#ive vented to two people and it made me feel more better each time

[skyeateyourdonuts]

pooooo

[kh4]

why are you on a twitter byf?

hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.

im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.

TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.

this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.

then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).

after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.

8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.

i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.

i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.

she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.

i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.

thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.

[sky-forest-inn]

okay a serious genuine vent post but like

im already well aware of anti-endo systems and like... how hateful and violent a lot of them can be but like... a huge part of me felt extremely torn once seeing posts about traumagenic pro-endo systems and being looked down upon for supporting our endo siblings and it like... literally ENABLES the feeling we had prior to our syscovery which made us deny being a system ENTIRELY.

i know we rambled about it in the tags of a post once but to those who never saw it, we are a TRAUMAGENIC system that was in denial for two and a half years. we were surrounded by so many systems, so we always believed "if i'm surrounded by so many systems, i'd have caught on by now if i was a system or not via symptom sharing or whatever."

well we never did. because we were surrounded by ANTI-ENDO systems and their strong hatred for endos and the severe GATEKEEPING made us repress our systemhood ENTIRELY. it got so bad, we were triggered into severe panic attack when anyone even SUGGESTED it, including by other traumagenic systems too.

this was because of how anti-endos were so strict on systemhood. it made us feel watched. if we came out as a system, we feared we'd be stared down at, watched, observed, stalked, for the slightest chance we do something even ever so slightly outside of standard systemhood and get torched into flames for "faking it."

We would sob for days when someone suggested we were a system. we lashed out on our closest loved ones because of it. Any sort of systemhood we experienced made us mentally unstable all day. and it wasnt because we were against the idea of being a system, it was because we feared how we would be viewed... not just by singlets, but by our own people. our own community. the people who were supposed to share their safe space with us.

two and a half years. two and a half years.

around about december 2023/january 2024, we met the first ever traumagenic* system who was pro-endo we knew in our life. we actually felt comfortable with then. we were always endo-neutral, but masked as anti-endo due to our surroundings, but this system in particular showed us a much better view of endogenic systems, made us feel safer being around endogenic systems, and surprise surprise, made us feel safe seeing ourselves as a system for the first time of our life

*(formerly perceived traumagenic at the time, now considered mixed origin)

that system is our partner system now. we dated before our syscovery, but all the way through it, they supported us, aided us, gave us the resources we needed, and the love and patience for us when stepping into actual systemhood. a pro-endo system supported us. a pro-endo system made us feel safe. and you'd think at this point, that'd imply we were endogenic, but we're not. we're still traumagenic, yet it was a mixed-origin pro-endo system who made us feel safe as a system at all

they then showed us the pro-endo side of sysblr. how everyone was so kind, loving, understanding and supportive of each other. ive seen so much more joy on the plural tag filled with endos than i have in the anti endo tags. it made us feel even more safe. a community of plurals that would support us as a system no matter what. (pro)endogenics made systemhood so, so, so much safer for us

and yet the anti-endos go around hollering how endos were ableist, disgusting, revolting, how theyre all "delusional" and should all die. and they claim endogenics as the unsafe people. it hurt, as a traumagenic system. a traumagenic system, whose only safe space was amongst endogenics. and it only stung further once pro-endo traumagenic systems were called out as bad systems. how we're bad guys too, solely because we support the people who are valid, but also validating to us.

they hurt their own people. they hurt other traumagenic systems. they already hurt us by gatekeeping systemhood... and then they hurt us again for supporting our endogenic siblings. it hurts. yet they claim endogenics the unsafe plurals. it's ironic, painfully ironic, that they cannot see that. they hurt their own people solely to "prove" that they're always "right."

systemhood is terrifying, but it's significantly more terrifying because of the anti-endos who do these sorts of things. i feel like the call out on pro-endo traumagenics truly stabbed our heart the most on a personal level, but every anti-endo remark already pains us enough as it is.

... we will always be pro-endo. we will always support each and every plural. we are family, we are community, we are one. endogenics gave us the safe space anti-endos couldnt give us. always know you will have the heart of a traumagenic system for the rest of your wonderful lives. i love you all, especially our dearest and most beloved partner system. our lives were changed for the better because of them, and we would not have it any other way.

the future is plural

i love you all

[bunnygirlaltar]

aphrodite worshipper confession/vent post: sometimes i feel guilty to her because im not very beautiful, havent really dated anyone, ive been so fearful and uncomfortable with romance for a lot of my life because i just was not at all emotionally available growing up, and im still struggling to try to be.

ive never really been called pretty. other than the women in my family complimenting me when i dress up for some formal event and i look uncharacteristically feminine, saying i look nice. or my friends have complimented specifically my eyeliner skills and my hair before since i always dyed it, but i genuinely cant remember anyone telling me just truthfully and unprompted that im pretty, that they find me pretty. if anything i hear that little things about me are cool, as if my appearance is interesting or something, but not attractive.

sometimes that really hurts, but then i feel guilty about it hurting my feelings, especially trying to worship aphrodite, i feel like i should know better than to care about external validation like that and i generally dont care about things like that but, am i so evil for wanting to be called pretty? i feel like everyone deserves that..

the only exceptions are two moments that always stick out to me. one time was an all-nighter playing truth-or-dare-esque games during a sleepover, and at one point we had to exchange compliments. and one of my friends in sleep-deprived delirium told me i had a nice face and i was so taken off guard because.. i just had never really heard that before. the other time is something i actually associate with aphrodite, i was in a really bad place mentally but i tried to force myself to at least wear something other than pajamas in public and one time i bumped into a stranger which happens a million times in my busy school campus but they said a quick 'you are so pretty' before we were past each other. i know random compliments to strangers like that arent that uncommon, especially college-aged queer people like us but it was genuinely something i had never experienced before and especially that day my brain was so foggy and i felt so gross and i just felt so taken off guard. i see my friends get random compliments like that all the time, but never me. that was also a time where i wasnt fully paying attention to aphrodite yet but considering her, and i feel like that moment was a little bit of her influence somehow and im so grateful for her and that stranger when i look back.

even then, i remember i told my best friends about it cuz it made me that happy. they said something like 'you are pretty! people should say it more!' trying to validate me but.. idk they say that but its not like they actually do it. if anything they make little jokes comparing me to people who like, they obviously think are ugly, becuase we share some traits like have the same hair or wear the same glasses or something trivial like that but the difference is they clearly, clearly find the other person weird-looking.. and i guess thats the joke? that i look like someone they think looks weird? and i dont understand why they feel comfortable jokingly implying that i look weird when they are also aware that they dont compliment me a lot.. i try to give them the benefit of the doubt that of course my friends dont think im ugly, but my god sometimes it really does feel like they think that. its not even like our friend group shys away from compliments like that, we love hyping each other up like that. people just dont really do it to me. or theyll comment on the parts of me that are more unconventional as if theyre trying to validate it for me but it just makes me feel weirder, especially if i wasnt even self-conscious of the thing before they tried to 'compliment' it.

is this whiny? am i vain? it feels vain to care so much but it also feels like the opposite of vain, i dont know. sometimes it really really eats away at me, and i feel like its deeper than just vanity. im not sure vanity is even all that much of a crime anyway.

sometimes now when i look decent or when i say some off-handed vaguely self-deprecating thing about myself one of my friends might be like 'omg stop youre fine trust me' as if like, i was fishing for compliments, or like i already knew i was pretty and was trying to be humble, except like, thats not at all what im doing. and it bugs me that they can both admit that i dont get called pretty enough and then dismiss me in moments like that.

i also think.. as queer as my friend group is i think femininity is equated with beauty to them, well to the world to be fair but still. and ive always been a bit genderless in my self-expression. and i feel like they find me ugly, like they see it as a shame that i dont present myself right or put in 'effort'. sometimes theyve had the chance to help me dress up or find clothes and theres this tone of trying to get me toward feminine clothes and being playfully upset with me for not picking them as if im being stubbornly choosing to be ugly.. but i find the things i choose pretty. they just dont. because they dont understand how non-feminine things can be pretty. maybe im being unfair in accusing them of that but thats just how it feels to me sometimes.

i know theres people who have the same concept of beauty as me out there but im realizing that i dont really know any of them myself. i dont even disagree with what my friends find pretty, i find everything beautiful tbh. im just sick of.. i feel like they assume i dont have beauty in my life, that i dont see beauty, or dont care about it, or dont want to have it in myself, but thats the opposite of the truth. i just wish people would find the beauty in me the way i find the beauty in everything but instead i feel like they see me and see no beauty and then write me off entirely.

in high school senior year i shaved my head. i was already used to not being pursued by people at that point, to not being someone people perceived as romantic or pretty. but i didnt expect how much more it hurt after that, i thought id be used to the feeling but i genuinely felt absolutely invisible to every single man more than i already did, as if the moment i dont seem like a potential lover i am useless, not deserving even basic acknowledgement or respect. and even with girls i felt like i was being excluded or assumed to not be interested in the things they did, as if they thought i was denouncing the gender or something.

i know they were all just humans and kids too and they couldnt have known how i was feeling if i wasnt saying it but i cant help but be a little bit bitter and resentful, as much as i hate feeling it. but how could you just leave someone out, how could you assume a young girl didnt care about being complimented, how could you assume there was nothing more to me just because you didnt find me attractive.

if i had to find a silver lining though, im glad i at least didnt attract the people that have those fucked up prejudices or views on beauty so i guess i saved myself, im glad it was sort of self-respecting of me. but i was also just a kid, and i needed to be loved, and sometimes i wonder if it would have been better if i traded the self-respect just for a little love or attention. i know its so fucked up, i have so many friends that say now that they wish they were a bit more like me growing up so they couldve avoided really shitty exes and i believe them, i kinda wish they did too. but i dont have the heart to tell them that im jealous of them actually. that even if their hearts got broken they at least got to love. even if it was fake or short-lived or painful. at least they got it. they got to emerge from it and learn things about themselves. and this is so fucked up but when i see them finally healing from toxic loves and ideas of love, im so happy for them but a little part of me is devastated and says look, they also learned the lessons you did, they also developed the self-respect you did, but they also got to live and love. while you were a coward. while you were ugly.

i always worry that this level of honesty will disappoint aphrodite, that shell be upset to hear me talk so bad about myself or talk so desperately about love. but i hope that the honesty is at least appreciated. i know so much of it is wrong, but i admit it, and i want to feel better and think better, im open to changing. im really trying. i hope that effort is worth something at least.

[tavvattales]

Is it ok if I request hcs for Bennett with someone that gets a lot of mental breakdowns? Ive been having a lot lately and wanted to think abt my comfort character so I could get my head out of it :/

Hihi lovely! Of course you can. I hope you've been feeling better and that you smiled today <3 Know that my DMs and Ask Box are always open if you need someone to talk to or vent.

TW: Talk of mental illness

For those that suffer with anxiety, depression, or other mental illness, my page is a safe place for you to freely talk about your feelings(as long as you put a TW before the post). I know the feelings all too well and it can feel so lonely, that you have no one to lean on. But with my page, I support all of you 100%, never be afraid to reach out. Each and everyone of you are valid and your feelings DO matter. It's okay to feel all the feelings! It doesn't make you weak to let them all out <3

---------------------------------------

GENSHIN IMPACT Character x gn reader fluff stories~♡♡

Scenario: Bennett guides you and comforts you through a panic attack

Characters: Bennett

Pairings: Bennett x gn reader

Warnings: Detailed descriptions of dissociation and panic attacks, please read at your own risk.

SFW ❤

Click below if you want to keep reading and be comforted by Benny boy 🥰

BENNETT:

● You never met someone who radiated such positive energy before you met him. You always looked up to him for being able to pick himself back up so easily after a bad day. You fell in love with his strength and resilience to keep pushing on no matter what obstacles got in his way, but also his kindness.

● Bennett never met someone who was so in tune with their emotions. He was so used to people bottling up their feelings, but with you, it was different. Someone made you mad? You would let them know. You discovered something exciting? You were all for it and let everyone know with such joy and enthusiasm! He fell in love with your softness and ability to feel all these emotions.

"Y/N," The voice rang in your ears, yet it felt distant. You recognized it, but for some reason your brain wouldn't register and respond. Your vision was blurry until those dreaded words brought you back to reality, "Y/N. . .are you okay?"

No, you were the furthest from okay. It was like your world shattered into a million pieces, like pesky shards of glass that whenever you tried to pick them up, your wounds would only get deeper. Your eyes refocused, glossy, and bubbling over with tears, "I can't breath, " You manage to say between broken sobs.

The silver haired young man's emerald eyes softened with worry as he sat down next to you. He gently pushed back strands of your hair that clung to your tear soaked face, wiping your never ending tears away in the process, "Shh, shh, take deep breaths with me," He spoke softly, breathing in a deep breath and holding it for three seconds before letting it out.

You tried to follow suit, your breath shaky and raspy, your heart still pounding fast, but with each deep breath you could feel your heart beat slow, "Take it nice and slow, as much time as you need, Y/N," The young man said, giving your hand a gentle squeeze.

He continued to breath with you until you could formulate words, "B-bennett. . .thank you," you gave him a weak smile, your eyes and face flushed red and puffy. Your body was still in fight or flight and you felt light headed, but you managed to stop crying and your heart stopped racing a mile a minute. Bennett softly cups your face with his hands, pressing his forehead against yours as if he was giving you his positive energy.

You press back into him and the two of you stay like that for a while before he speaks up softly, "You are never alone when you're with me. When you're having a hard time and it feels like your world is crumbling apart, I will be here to help you pick up the pieces and bandage you back up, no matter how long it takes. I love you, Y/N, through your good days, and especially your bad days when you need my love the most, I will be here." He places a gentle kiss to your forehead before pulling away, "But also, remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. You're doing the absolute best you can each and every day. Be proud of that. I know I am. I am SO proud of you, Y/N"

With those kind words you couldn't help but tear up once more, but this time for a happier reason. You didn't feel so alone anymore.

[theanimesideblog]

hello! i discovered ur blog recently and omg i rly love ur writing!! can i pls request hc w Bakugou, Todoroki and Shinsou with a crush that has a devil quirk? she can summon all kinds of demons to battle, she even has like little horns and is super fast and has this axe like zack from angels of death and kite from hxh? but over all she’s super skilled and rly playful/childish, and how would they confess? sorry of this is hard i’ve had this idea for a while now 😅 Thank you sm in advance!❤️

Bakugou, Todoroki, Shinsou x Demonic Quirk!Fem!Reader: Little Devil

TW: cursing

A/N: ive never seen hxh or angels of death so i’m so sorry if it’s not what you expected. hope you enjoy it!! and no need to apologize!!

Bakugou

Okay Bakugou definitely thinks you’re hot as shit

You must look like raw power itself and he definitely has a thing for powerful women

He loves your aesthetic and how scary you look to some people

Honestly was flabbergasted when you showed your true nature

I imagine you and Mina are really good friends since you’re both rather goofy but can look odd at first

Seeing you two joke around makes his heart flutter but he won’t tell you that

He loves your smile. It looks so sweet, but your whole aesthetic is evil looking. He loves the contrast and tries to make you smile by making fun of Denki

You know that “My Axe” song that has been blowing up on tiktok??

Yeah he’ll show you that song and be like “reminds me of you nbd.” LIKE BRUH

He asks you out during a training exercise

You just mess up the competition with the biggest smile on your face and he can’t help it

He wants to be romantic but in that moment he can’t help but blurt out “I wanna take you out on a date so bad.”

You’re like “oh??? oh okay!!!” And all the little devils you spawned to help you are blushing

He finds it hella cute

Todoroki 

Todoroki didn’t realize he liked you

I know I always say this, but he definitely wouldn’t be sure if he actually liked you 

Tsu notices and is the one to point out that Todoroki stares at you a little longer than he should

He brushes it off but he slowly realizes that she’s right

He loves your energy. You’re always able to go the extra distance and make jokes to make him smile

He loves that you’re able to do long distance attacks (the devils) and close range attacks

Being paired up with you means he’ll always succeed 

He knows that making all the devils is draining though so he usually has some extra water for you 

Probably asks you a lot of questions; you do most of the talking, but that’s okay. You’re able to keep the conversation flowing and you don’t make Todoroki feel awkward for not talking 

He notices more and more about you after Tsu mentioned that he liked you, and it finally became clear

He goes simple, because he’s still awkward, and gets you some of your favorite candy. He’ll give it to you when only the two of you are going to hang out and ask if you want to go on a date with him

When you say yes, he feels the weight of the world come off his shoulders

Shinsou

He fell in love with you slowly

You came up to him after the sports festival and gushed to him how much you liked his quirk

He felt so awkward and at first thought you were joking since you made it farther than he did

He can’t get rid of you, no matter how he tries. You’ve decided you’re buddies

It’s hard not to like you; you understand what it’s like to have an “evil quirk” better than anyone else

You two definitely vent to each other about how people react to your quirks

Your romance is slow and lazy. Shinsou wasn’t looking for love, and yet he found you. You dragging him to do fun things ended up dragging his heart with you in the process

Watching you run around quickly with endless energy became endearing over time

Whenever he feels sluggish but needs to be energetic, he’ll call you up

Your own energy is infectious, and he’ll find he has that extra bit he needs to pull through

I imagine Shinsou as a very causal person, so he casually asks you out during lunch one day

A bright smile lit up your face as you eagerly agreed. Shinsou felt his heart melt ever so slightly

[its-chelisey-stuff]

i def cant look at those two and not feel angry and sad anymore. it did seem the writer wanted to keep her doomed vision even when how things were shown didnt support it. we rly only got one episode of them as a couple and things went to shit. all the regrets in older heedo makes me sad cause it didnt need to happen. it seems shes gonna regret that her whole life.. her life shouldve been with him. im tired of people saying first loves dont last, its how things work! like first, whose first love was built up like theirs? second, who wants the show full of hope to end in such a sad note? esp this day in age in the pandemic. cant we have anything nice? like i get she had a vision but even the actors knew it wouldnt make sense for the characters. i respect taeri and njh so much, they brought them to levels beyond her writing probably, so much she couldnt contain them in her original story yet she didnt change it and the aftermath feels like a very underwhelming end to one of the most beautiful couples ive seen in awhile. im just venting. i was more angry before but now im just sad i cant rewatch this knowing the end 😞

Oh anon, first of all, thank you for sharing this! It helps to know that I'm not alone at how much i hated the ending and how bad it makes me feel lol

Also, you're right! This show was full of hope, it was our comfort show! I was going through a hard time the week i started watching this drama and it made me feel a thousand times better so to see it all end the way it did, wtf? It felt cheap and wrong and like was the writer drunk or high? I just can't make sense of it. Can't reconciliate the story we had for 14 eps with those last 2 eps. It felt like a different show to me.

And yes. Heedo and Yijin's love was wonderful, so beautifully built, theirs wasn't a simple "puppy love" the kind that you look back on and have a little laugh remembering how silly they were. NO. It was so much more than that and everyone who saw the show knows it. Also, Yurim and Jiwoong were each other's first love, were they not? And they worked out in the end, which I'm happy about, kinda but mostly I'm angry. If they did work out in the end, why couldn't Heedo and Yijin as well? Ugh

Tbh I couldn't even bring myself to watch the last ep. I just can't. I saw the spoilers and that was enough for me. Reading all these things about old Heedo having regrets just makes me angrier lol at least writer should've made her happy in the future. What was the point of showing us such a depressing version of the Heedo we all fell in love with?

[ellovett]

list of people that made this year pretty neat :)

Hi all

Ok so 2020's almost ending (it just ended i started writing this post like....5 days ago??) and i just wanted to do this thing where i have a message towards everyone who supported me/who i think are just very cool and very epic, i only really got into the twst fandom just at the beginning of the year and im just gonna get straight to the point now messages are under the cut :)

@permanentlyexhaustedowl - AYAAAA ;;;;; bro you're literally one of my first long time friends here in the twst community and i just want to thank you for everything, our convos in either public servers or in pms, your love and support for my content,,or whenever i vent to you,,,,,just- your love and support man i appreciate it so much and i cannot thank you enough, you're just so sweet and caring and supportive and friendly just aghhhhhh ;;;;; even your reblogs make me smile uncontrollably and i explode, also all the brainrots i have about my interests ;;; thanks for listening to all of them,,even tho you really didnt have to ;;;;;; I love how we make our twst ocs interact and the little brainrots we have with them ;;; You've helped me so so so much and in so many ways, I am beyond glad that we're bestfriends, you're one of the nicest most caring people ive ever met and i love you so so so much, beyond belief ;; 💕 pls never stop being you?????? You quacking amazing person??????? 😎🤙💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕

@shoujoqueensstuff - AYYYY SHOUJOOOO!!! 😎🤙🤙 hhhh you're also one of the first people ive ever had a long time friendship with here in the twst community, and seriously bitch i love you so much ;;; so so much..i cant go a day without talking to you about literally anything and just vibing, the support and love you've given me over these months is insane i cannot thank you enough for that, all of our rps, convos or just pure brainrot have been so much fun, and i fucking love it that we built our own little world outside of canon,,all the aus we built with our ocs???? I love them. I love them all to death, including your amazing ocs, and even tho we live on literally opposite sides of the world you're always there for me whenever i vent or when im feeling extremely down or insecure ;; ,,im just so so so happy and glad that i met you and that we're bestfriends, i care about you so so so so so much- hhhh i cant put it into words my brain is dying i just- i LOVE YOU BIITCH, I AINT NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH.😎💖💕💖🤙🤙💕💕💖💕 TAKE MY LOVE BITCH 💕💕💕💕💕 thank you so much for sticking around ;; i love you and support you in everything you do so much I could never ever thank you enough for the friendship you've given me..

I can literally go forever on how much i love and appreciate the both of you, i can just scream into the void for all eternity,,but i cant put it into words anymore. You both made my year so great and so epic ;;; i love you guys so much

--

-

--

Now the chaddams 😌

@thetwstwildcard - hi ma :D you're just so cool and so epic lizz ;;; i cant- all of our conversations and brainrots have been super fun and i enjoy your company very much;;; you are just so nice and friendly,, and your ocs (especially staff ocs) are god tier amazing, i will love the nrc mom squad to death. I am honored to be ur child and i love you and father claude (and my four (?) other dads you married) very much 💕💕💕

@alpyssketch - bringer of father claude,,,,i owe you my life alpy,,,,,,but no seriously you're also a very epic person and you're honestly so nice and sweet!!! You never fail to make me feel welcome in any conversation and you're just so damn friendly!!! We may not talk that often but I very much enjoy your company ;;; ily!!! 💖💖💖

@multi-ankin - another very cool and epic person!!!! you're very fun to talk to and you're also pretty funny in the vc fjfjfj, your ocs are all so amazing too! (djdjjd although my staff oc bias makes me go for kas) we should totally talk and make our ocs interact more in the future tho!!!!!! 💖💖

@just-patchy - pATCHYYY!!!! :D hi!!!! you're also a very cool person!! our interactions have been so much fun and i hope we can have more in the future ;;; the ideas you have for your ocs and how you put them into writing is so good!!! like really good!!! And your art has been greatly improving too!!! Never ever think that i dont see you as a friend because i do!! 😤😤💖💖 i care about you bro!! Never forget that!!

@bakujho - :D hi jho!! you're a lot of fun! And I THINK YOU ARE SO DAMN COOL AND BADASS it's unbelievable,,i look up to you jho i wish i could be almost as cool as you when i grow up ;;; the things you've done for this fandom are also very admirable! like the whole gravedigging (jellyfish) situation! But we're not gonna talk about it now- hhhhh you're just so epic jho ;;; seriously 💗💗

@Kurui - hhhhh you're probably not gonna see this ;;; and i cant find your tumblr (if any of the other chaddams could possibly show this to her thatd be so great ;;;) but nonetheless i still think you're just so fun and cursed ;;; and you give so many amazing ideas!!! Your ocs are all also so cool too! Your art is just so detailed you clearly put a lot of thought into them i just admire that sm ;; (also your edits are extremely cursed and epic i love them dearly-)

@twst-the-royals - JULIE :))) HELLO,,,you were actually the first ever person i spoke/interacted with in the fandom! And you were just so nice and friendly and patient with me ;;; im glad that i got to talk to you,,and we dont really talk that much now but pls pls PLEASE know that i care about you so much and that i support you in everything you do ;;; 💖💖💗💖 ill do my best to make you proud!!

@girl-in-the-tower - hey Az!!! ;;;; you're so epic and cool,,honestly i admire you so much, the lore/writing you have for your ocs/fanschools are just so well thought out and so well written ;;; i hope to become a better writer like you in the future, but for now ill just take notes and learn from you ;; you're super encouraging and supportive too!!! I know we dont talk much but i could never thank you enough for all those little yet meaningful moments ;;; 💖💖

@rikanoctrix and @mirrored-pomefiore - hi!!! i know we arent that close but just know that you two are huge inspirations for me when it comes to art, the both of you draw your styles so incredibly well and i admire that so so so much ;;; 💖

@ocean-water-tea - FATHER TEAAAAA QAQ okay so first of all,,,,how can you draw so well using ibispaint, i ask for tips, specifically on how to draw hair and tits 🤲 but seriously though you are so fun to talk to!!! So cursed!!! So ☊⊑⏃⍜⏁⟟☊!!! You encourage me to my true cryptid self (despite aya's protests 👀) and i thank you kindly,,,you are also very funny 😌 a funny little clown simp, and you're super friendly and cheerful too! I almost never feel nervous when reaching out to you ;;; I hope we can have more wacky adventures in the future 💖💖

@zonamemoryverse - HEYYY ZONAAA!!! you're a fairly new person and you've already come so far ;;; you're a very chaotic person to talk to and i enjoy all of our conversations!!! Also our interactions with our ocs were super fun too, and i love hearing any shred of content i can get from ur epic ocs,,,dont stop being epic!!! 💖💖

@namelessfish - Hi fish!!! :DD you've been a very supportive friend to me over these past few months,,and im happy i have someone i can relate my not-so-great experiences with ;;; please know that i care about you dearly and that ily ;; 💖💖💖💖

---

--

-

--

---

@wondersbeyondcompare - JFFJJF BRO DONT THINK I DONT SEE YOU WHENEVER YOU REBLOG MY CRINGY ASS POSTS 👁👁 I SEE THEM AND I CHERISH THEM ALL I REREAD THEM ON SAD DAYS. All the little tags and comments you put on them always make me smile so hard ;;; im just very happy to know that you like whatever the hell im doing and it pushes me to do more!! You're incredibly sweet, dont worry!!! Ill be sure to make you proud!!!! 😭💖💖💖

@circuscarnage - Anna!!!! We dont talk that often but whenever we do it's always so much fun ;;; you're so sweet and i appreciate you so much ;; all the stuff you drew for my ocs are all so incredibly cute and i really have to give back- jUST YOU WAIT ANNA. IM GONNA MAKE FANART OF YOUR LOVELY OCS AND YOU CANT STOP ME- 💖💖💖💖

@twistedapple - hi crow!! :DD again we dont really talk that much but i support you greatly in everything you do!!! You're another epic and cool writer ;;; your writings for your ocs are just sooooo well written and are just so good!! You're also super good at art too!! And i hope to see more from you in the future!!! ;;; 💖💖💖💖

@not-twst-enough - Ellie!!!! ;;; bro you've been supporting me from the very start, from lillet's old ass bio to now, and i very much appreciate it!!!! You're also super friendly in the twst server too ;;; and all the content you have for your ocs is just so exciting! Good luck with the fandorm and all future stuff ;;; ily!!!! 💖💖💖

@fumikomiyasaki - FUMI. DONT THINK I DIDNT FORGET YOU DKDKDK,,,Another cool and amazing person!!! All our brainrots and conversations have been really fun ;;;; thank u for that,, You are very fun person to interact ocs with tho!!! Especially with ships!! MadScientist² will forever hold a place in my heart.,,,💖💖💖

@oiseaunoir11 - hey Al!! :) you were one of the many people i admired and looked up to when i first joined the fandom, your art is something im deeply inspired by and your shitposts at like...4 am in the morning always give me the big funny,,one thing i really admire about ur art tho is how you'd draw backgrounds :0 you've gotten so good at them!! And your poses look super natural and effortless, i hope to be almost of a better artist like you 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♂️ also i cant wait to see ur animatics 👀 they look dope- hope we can talk or maybe even interact ocs more! 💖💖

@leonasbitties - luuuu :))) hiiii,,,we dont usually talk on servers that often but that doesnt mean that i dont consider you as a friend! You have a lot of super cool ideas for ocs and your art is just getting better and better and better with each piece!!!! i look forward to seeing more from you ;;; 💖💖💖

@peteza-mozzarella - PETEEE :DDD another very cool and friendly person, you're literally the sweetest person ive ever talked to and i love our little chats!!! Hhhh you're just super nice and your ocs are super cute,,please never stop being you you epic bean ;;;; 💖💖💖💖

@the27th - Hi Andhra!!!!! You've been quite the long time mutual,,and your reblogs always make my day ;;; you're just so sweet and kind and i always feel at ease when talking to you, the hunger games sessions you host are always super fun even though im often asleep to even participate 😂 thank you sm for the love and support ;;; ill be sure to give them all back to you 💖💖 starting now 💗💗💗💗💗

@mamushroomoracorn - MAMUSH :DD we've only really started talking recently but you're just so nice and friendly ;;;; all of our talks have been so wholesome and great and im so happy about that, and your art is really really really good!! Ur art style is just so unique and so cool!!! ;;;; and dw mamush,, ill show the froggies like i promised soon 😔💖💖💖

@rookvonhunt - HEYYYY 👉😎👉 hi hello i would die for your ocs. If theyd ask me to perish then i will 200%,,ur so epic and cool and all of your ocs are just god-tier, i cant wait for what else you have to offer!!!! 💖💖

--

@lawlessofdusk - lawless ;;;; aaaaa honestly you're just so kind and sweet, i couldnt thank you enough for all the love and support you've given me!!! And i desperately need more content of ur ocs bc they're all so cool and interesting 😤😤😤💖💖💖 i hope to talk to you more soon!!!!

-

--

Fkfjfjfj i think that's all!! Id like to thank you all for sticking around with me with my first year in the fandom ;;; you guys make all the bullshit and drama here worth it 💖💖💖

If i forgot to include you in here then PLEASE DM ME I AM SO SORRY-!!!! I dont want to leave anyone behind!!! So please feel free to confront me about it ;;; happy new year everyone!!!!

[dimonds456]

What was “A Picture Perfect Hollywood Heartbreak” Really About?

What was Zach Callison’s A Picture Perfect Hollywood Heartbreak really about?

Hey all you people out there! How are you surviving quarantine? I had a bunch of spare time, and so I decided to write an essay that focuses on Zach Callison’s album, A Picture Perfect Hollywood Heartbreak. The album has been out for a while, but most people either only know Interlude IV or are really confused about the story it tells. I think I’ve finally got an answer, and I wanted to share it with you all.

If you’re only here to better understand Interlude IV, you can skip down there if you want, but you’ll still be pretty confused. Besides, you should listen to the rest of the album. The whole thing bops. 

Personal favorite song is Phantom Love, but I’m pretty sure no one cares about that.

Anyways, on to the show! One song at a time, in order.

WARNING: REALLY, REALLY LONG POST UNDER THE CUT!!

Phantom Love

Phantom Love sets up the whole story for us. Juanita is Zach’s old GF, who appears to only have dated him so she could get ideas for a music album she was writing. However, she had no ideas and/or is a masochist, and so wanted to get Zach to either break up with her, do something horrible to her, or just create drama in general she could write about. Whatever happens happens, and she is successful. 

Juanita seems to be suffering from some form of depression, but whether that’s actually the case or she, again, just wanted something to write about is up for debate. But either way, it’s hinted at several times that she slit her wrists and other self-harm-inducing activities. 

Many people follow her- she seems to be popular enough (which makes sense, due to the album being about two celebrities dating each other, just like Zach’s irl relationship). However, she has two different faces- her showbiz the-cameras-are-on face and her real face. Zach seems to have the same thing, as hinted at in She Don’t Know, but we’re not there yet. Point is, Juanita used Zach to try and get a tragedy out of the whole deal.

It was a phantom love- it never existed. 

“Made me promise I would never break your heart

How was I to know that’s what you wanted from the start?”

Both people got into Hollywood from a young age and grew up with it, and so were surrounded by drama constantly. This takes a toll on Zach, but he tries to deal with it whereas Juanita actively wants to partake in it. She causes drama- little triggers to get him to snap- until one day, he does.

Interlude I - Frantically

This one is pretty straight-forward. After the two break up, it’s the perfect excuse for Juanita to start spreading rumors and stirring tension. She’s quick to make Zach out to be the bad guy, when in actuality, he was the one who was being loyal in their relationship.

We’re clued in that these rumors aren’t true from one line: “I heard he got fired from that cartoon he does. (Nooo wayyy…)” We, as the audience, know for a fact he didn’t, but things get shaky as we realize that some of them are also true. 

“I heard he does coke now and, like, screams a lot.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

[laughter]

Zach overhears them talking about them and runs away, going off somewhere to be alone. Once he’s alone, we get the disturbing audio of him sniffing some drugs, implying that he actually does, indeed, do coke.

DISCLAIMER: Irl Zach Callison did NOT turn to drugs! It’s a metaphor for how many people he knows who have decided to do so, and so he;s aware of what it does to one’s mind. Don’t worry; Zach is okay in that department.

She Don't Know

After gaining the following knowledge, this song is easier to understand. Zach really did love Juanita, and he misses her, even though he knows at this point that she used and abused him. 

“There ain’t no drug in all the world like loving you

Cocaine and cigarettes will have to do

Won’t somebody save me? My heart’s beating outta m’ chest

I just wanna hold you with those hands I once possessed.”

Juanita isn’t aware of the effect she had on him, and he laments this quite strongly (hence the title). Once she had her heartbreak, she ran off, leaving a broken lover behind. 

Trigger warning: there are hints of suicidal thoughts in this song. They get more prominent as the album goes on, which becomes important later. This is where we really start seeing them, though.

“F***ed up on my bedroom floor

And my first thought’s ‘let’s do some more’

They say it all kills for thrills

And I hope it does!

Can you hear me, love?”

He speaks about “where did I go” later on, meaning that he is losing himself/doesn’t feel like himself. He still wants to be with her, and her absence has utterly destroyed him. He’s still in love with her, and wants her to know that. However, Juanita doesn’t give a bat of the eye in his direction, only caring that she now had the material she needed to write her album.

Interlude II - Christie Only Knows

Here, we are introduced to Zach’s make-believe sister, Christie. Only she is aware that he is going through this, and we find out quickly that she isn’t supportive.

“It’s getting late now, but to me, it’s just beginning

‘Cuz life’s tearing me to pieces and I know I’ve been defeated

Oh, no

And Christie only knows.

Never seen someone like this before

An eight-ball power on the floor

And I’m staring at the ceiling 

Wondering if the reaper’s close

But Christie only knows

That there ain’t no drug in all the world like being you

\Glory on the silver screen just had to do

Won’t somebody save me? I am screaming out of breath

And my shadow, he’s holding a gun…

With those hands that I once possessed…”

This is the only time I’ll put all the lyrics in here, I swear. However, this one is important as it paves the way to Nightmare, bridging the gap between the two moods. She Don’t Know is angry, stressed, unsure, and frustrated, whereas Nightmare is just… depression. Interlude II is the middle ground, showing us that once Zach got all that off his chest, he feels… numb. He doesn’t know what to do. 

Now, who exactly is Christie? I don’t think she really exists, in the context of the album, that is. I believe that Christie is someone he’s hallucinating, an embodiment of all his most negative thoughts, sugarcoated into something pretty and worth listening to. We’ll explore her character later on in Interlude IV - Showtime, but for now, what you need to know is that his suicidal thoughts are getting more and more intense now that she’s here.

A sister is someone who you’re bonded to, whether it be in blood, relationship, or cause. In this case, I think it’s more relationship. She is telling him to let go, to accept that things are this way and won’t get better. It’d be easier to end it. And Zach is listening to her. We know this because of the line “And my shadow, he’s holding a gun with those hands that I once possessed…” He is seriously thinking about it, and the fact that it’s his shadow shows that the thought is always in the back of his mind. The same thoughts that led him to love Juanita are now ready to kill him- those same, once-steady hands he used to hold her with. And he’s done. He’s holding on by a thread.

Nightmare

This song is told in the 3rd person as Zach really explains what he’s been going through each and every day that lead him to this fateful decision to end it. He is done. He’s decided it. 

Every day, he cries. He hates himself, he hates looking at himself, he hates all of it. 

“Prosecutor at his own trial, 

The floor below him becomes so fertile 

by his very own vile, Nile, and exile source 

By the pitter-patter of his tears on the bathroom tile… 

...you’re nothing more than your feelings 

from your floors to your ceilings 

and out the all-bloodshot ocular faucets… 

Boy vs brain, white noise vs the sane, 

always vs the same, cries for help exclaim 

that he’s beyond repair. He’ll swear, he’ll despair, he’ll stare 

straight ahead in the mirror at the source of his waking nightmare.”

There’s an instrumental break, during which he says “Are you writing this down, Christie? Yeah…” This shows that he’s lamenting to himself, as again, Christie doesn’t really exist. He’s venting to her, jotting down everything that’s wrong with him.

This tells me that he’s writing a note. He is telling someone where he’s going and why he did what he’s about to do. Remember, Christie is in Zach’s head, and so if she is writing this down, that means that Zach is writing this down. His worst, most negative thoughts are writing all this down, showing him that this was the right decision. This will end all his suffering, and whoever reads the note will understand and be happy for him. This was his solution.

“He’s standing on a bluff overlooking the city

The city’s biggest bluff is making itself look so pretty

He tells himself to be tough, isolated and gritty

But gritty’s kinda hard when his brain’s run by committee”

This is how he decides to die. Now with a gunshot like Interlude II hinted at. He is willing to jump for it.

Look at the album cover. Did he go for it? I don’t think so, but we’ll get to that.

The song concludes with him saying this:

“So who do I speak of and why is he grey?

He rejects all his love, see the prices he pays

To his vices he caves, in a crisis of fates

No tragic history, only a mystery 

So I say to you, ‘who?’

Why don't’cha tell me?”

This is him confirming to us, the audience, that this is Zach’s character speaking about himself. He’s been hinting and clueing at us to this song all along, and now he is making sure that we know what’s going on in his head. He’s ready to end it. 

His love for Juanita broke his heart so severely that it left him broken and bruised beyond repair. And if you can’t fix it, it’s time to throw it away.

So he heads back out to the bluff to jump.

Interlude III - Second Thoughts

He’s standing on a bluff overlooking the city. The bluff’s height is making itself not so pretty. Is this being tough? Or just being petty? But petty’s not likely, it’s a selfish, single entity…

Doe she really want to do this? Looking down, Zach thinks about what made him come here. The drugs? They’re messing him up. He’s aware of it, he’s been aware of it. Would jumping be giving in to their influence? Or Juanita’s? 

“We put his record on until he’s bleeding on the needle

And he’s weeping in the street

Cut down on his curtain call

That’s where he’s gonna sleep.”

Standing on top of the bluff now, he looks down onto the road. He can see that there is where he could die, but he’s suddenly not so sure. The idea just slammed into him, reality slapping him in the face. “Do you really want to do this?” 

“Take aim with these hands he once possessed

A dozen roses on the pavement laid the rest

Oh, my dear sister Christie, will I feel some remorse?

She says ‘no, pull the trigger, ‘cuz he’s left us no recourse.

His brain has a sickness, so kill it at the source.’”

He steps closer. He can see, in his mind, the image of his dead body lying on the road, forever resting. But, was that the right call? To just throw in the towel like that? So, in true metaphorical fashion, he turns and asks Christie. His inner demons. They’ve been straight with him before, right? And, of course, they say “yes, go for it.”

But Zach still isn’t sure.

I believe he backs off for now, leading the way to Curtain Call.

Curtain Call

This is where it really starts to get difficult when it comes to dissecting this album, and from here on out, I guarantee that I got things wrong. However, stay with me, because I’m open to and want to discuss what everyone else thinks it all could mean. I’m going to share my ideas, and if you have a better one, tell me and I can either agree or argue it with you. Point is, like English class (in high school), if you have the evidence to back it up, you’re not wrong. Let’s have a serious discussion about this.

On with the show! Now, it appears as though Zach is arguing with himself in this one, one wanting to show people that he’s hurt so he can get help- the side that wants to live- but on the other hand, his other half knows that there’s nothing they can do if he does. He’d just weigh them all down. Because all of him agrees that he’s useless and hopeless. 

He sends up a prayer (I think Zach is Christian, so this makes sense), asking for, basically, karma of some kind. He’s done feeling this way, and wants it to stop. So he asks for “some price to pay,” hoping that there’s a solution, but knowing that the solution isn’t going to be handed to him on a silver platter. He’d need to work to get better, and this is him saying that he’s willing to do that. He WANTS to live, but he’s just not sure he can anymore. And that’s his main argument. Can he do this? Was it even worth it?

Obviously, with Zach being a famous actor (both irl and in the album), he has a double life. One is bringing joy to others, while the other is a constant internal struggle. The world is a stage, and at this point, Zach is basically admitting- through metaphors- that he has been acting. Pretending. 

Consider this lyric, put there- side by side- very intentionally:

“I find that I’m anything but fine.

No, I’m okay. Oh please just look away!”

It’s all a mask. And it’s one he’s tired of wearing. Notice how tired he sounds when he sings those lines. He’s done. He’s been done.

“Bourbon to kill my pain

Curtains to hold my shame

No, they can’t look away

Cannot contain my rage…”

These lines are telling us that people around Zach have started to notice that he’s off, but he wants to believe that he’s okay, that he’ll be okay. So he continues his career (“curtains to hold my shame”), even though it’s hurting him to do so at that point. And people are starting to notice. And that’s making him frustrated. At himself. At them. He’s tired. Let him rest. He just wants to rest and forget. Bourbon, alcohol, kill the pain. Make it go away so they can’t see. But they already see. The mask is old and withering in decay.

Towards the end, Zach’s voice becomes more echoey and distant (discluding the Italian that I have no hope of understanding, which is why I’ve yet to mention it). This shows that he’s distancing himself, running away, if you will.

Running back to the bluff.

And this time, he jumps.

Interlude IV - Showtime

Okay, meme time. This is the one everyone knows. However, we are not going to be talking about a Connverse fight that honestly makes no sense given the limited context of the song (as cool as those animatics are). We will be talking about, however, Zach facing and challenging his inner demons. Christie does not exist. Why should she rule over his life?

Let’s break this one down, since this one is the hardest to fit into the story.

He jumps, but survives the fall. Maybe dazed, maybe broken. Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe this song IS the dream. We can’t be sure. Everything is metaphorical in this one. Perhaps he didn’t jump at all. We can’t be sure.

Christie congratulates him. She tells him that he’s free. He did the right thing, and now it was just the two of them. They could do whatever they wanted without feeling so weighed down!

Zach disagrees, coming to a realization.

He jumped. Christie had said that it’d make everything okay again, that it’d be bliss. Well, he jumped, and it wasn’t. It was worse. He felt anger and fear, and this leads him to finally, for once, counter her. 

“The world is ours!”

“No it isn’t.”

“Get in the car.”

“This isn’t finished.”

“...What?”

She’s shocked that Zach openly argues with her, and as their bickering goes on (which I’m sure a lot of you reading this can hear perfectly in your heads, so I won’t write the exact lyrics down), Zach gains more confidence. He accuses her of murdering him. “And they’ll all think that it was suicide, but Christie, I know that it was you inside.” Remember, she’s not real and therefore didn’t really “kill” him, but he blames her as he allowed her to control and manipulate him. 

Christie is shocked, stating that everything she did, she did to comfort him. ”I saved him! I held him ‘til the moment he [Zach’s “innocence”] died!”) However, Zach realizes what she really is now, and decides that enough is enough. (“You choked him out of his goddamn mind! Promised the world to him, a goddamn lie!”) He knows what she is, and won’t let himself be manipulated by her again. 

Now, the whole time, they’re talking about someone who is dead. Who is that someone? Zach. However, it’s all a metaphor. When Zach jumped, a part of him died. The last of his humanity? His sanity? I think his “innocence,” which I say in quotes because I’m sure there’s a better word for it out there somewhere. He’s done being blind to the truth, blindly following Christie around. The part of him that was naive enough to do that, to listen to her influence and complain about the world, is gone. He’s dead.

And that means Zach isn’t taking anymore s***. 

C: “I won’t help you take [Juanita] down.”

Z: “Fine. I’LL DO IT BY MYSELF!”

C: “You don’t need it!”

Z: “Oh, I know that I need it.”

C: “She’s been gone for years, I know you can beat it!”

Z: “Oh, look in the mirror, you know we both fear her…

But you let me kill him, you’re WORSE than Juanita!”

Juanita herself never killed him. She never physically harmed him, not in any way that counts here. However, Christie did. She pushed and pushed him, taking a fragile boy and breaking him even more. Zach is now his own worst enemy, not Juanita, and this is him realizing it. But he doesn’t want to be his own enemy.

C: “I won’t help you take her down.”

Christie doesn’t want Zach to face her, because she knows that that would be him really facing his demons and starting down the path to healing. Juanita is Zach’s biggest obstacle, aside from himself. He has to face himself first, and that’s why this song is so powerful. Zach is taking a step back and realizing what he has to do, who he is, and why things are like this.

Z: “Oh, look in the mirror, you know we both fear her. 

We’re one and the same, we’re afraid to be near her!”

There’s that mirror metaphor again, except that he’s not looking at himself with hatred; he’s looking at himself with understanding (and a side of hatred). He’s ready to face her. He’s ready to get everything to stop.

“1, 2, 3, 4

Is this what love is really for? 

Is this all I get for being yours?

The kid in front of me in blood and gore?”

The kid is, again, Zach’s “innocence.” He understands, he’s ready to not only move on, but also confront her.

5, 6, 7, 8

Years left to waste for all I hate

They’ll all know Juanita’s fate!

Show’s about to start; don’t be late.”

He knows that it’s going to be a showdown, a big, epic throw down. And Christie isn’t coming with him. He’s leaving her behind. He’s leaving his demons behind, breaking free from them and moving on.

War!

The ultimate throw down begins!

“A wise man once said, ‘time is money’

So how much money did I lose to you, honey?

Find it kinda funny you wanna keep this feud runnin’

But I’m glad I’m on your mind, keep that canon fire coming, woah!”

This is 100% a diss track. Zach confronts Juanita in front of a lot of her friends (we hear multiple girls go “huh?” as they realize that Zach’s here and he’s ANGRY), and immediately starts in. No introductions, no “hey it’s nice to see you again”s, nothing. He’s here to make a statement, and he’s gonna do so.

He realizes Juanita for who she is now, and she has done so many horrible things to him. Spreading rumors and lies to ruin his life, after dating him just to get a story to write about. He’s sick of it and done. He calls her out, and it’s important that he does this in front of other people so they see what she’s really done. He’s hurt, he’s been hurt, and it’s because of Juanita, this amazing person a lot of people looked up to and liked (“I know, Juanita deserves so much more [Interlude I]”. “Step inside the life of the men weak enough to follow you [Phantom Love]). 

Juanita also appears to be dating someone else by this time. This is really important, because now due to context clues we got from before, the only reason Juanita dates is to get a heartbreak out of it so she can have the motivation and drive to write her own album. That’s why she dated Zach. So, if she’s dating again, that means she either lost the motivation and drive again, or she never had it in the first place since it wasn’t a real love between them. She didn’t truly experience a heartbreak at all. This is further backed up by the claim that “we’ve been waiting on your album for ages, no traces, and baby, we’ve already run out of patience!” She’s only dating to get that experience again.

This means that, at least in Zach’s eyes, she hasn’t changed. “To your new boy, let he be warned: you’re her new toy for blood and gore! What, you didn’t know?” She is going to destroy him emotionally, and he’s going to go down the same path as Zach, ending in death- blood on the pavement. The gore part is to emphasize how horrific the whole ordeal was.

“Sit down with me and sign this armistice

Get your big proboscis outta my s***, miss”

A proboscis is the butterfly equivalent of a tongue. They use it for sucking nectar out of flowers. So, what he’s saying here is that they need to settle this between them (“sign this armistice”), and that she needs to mind her own business. By her talking about Zach like that, she ruined his life and he’s sick of it. She literally sucked the joy out of him like nectar. 

“Welcome to the new me!

Paint your nails black and unscrew me

But that’s okay, Juanita

Know my business is booming”

His business is a reference to his own album, the very one you’re listening to. His music career took off now because of her and the fact that she broke his heart, not the other way around. Juanita can never understand that because she “only loves to be broken [Phantom Love].” 

“That’s alright, that’s okay!

You barely wrote them anyway

Half your songs got thrown away

Like ballets on voting day

All my ballads had more to say

Like a bullet through a motorcade”

In a twist, Zach got the story Juanita had wanted. He experienced a heartbreak, while she never really did. So he writes an album instead of her. It’s a cool kind of karma that Zach- or, at least, his character- can’t resist. 

The whole song ends with him forcing her/her friends to sing along with him, repeating her name, then yelling. She screams, and it cuts out. 

I think he’s lost his sanity (or again, his “innocence”) here. He gets carried away, and either attacks her or makes like he’s about to. I think he makes like he’s about to, but stops. This is the final song; if Zach killed her, there would more than likely be another song depicting the consequences and an Interlude V to show the aftermath of the incident. But because he stopped himself, he’s satisfied. Juanita learned her lesson, Zach got everything off his chest, and the people around them know the truth. 

That’s all he’s wanted for longer than we can possibly know.

Final Observations

Zach Callison has gone on record to say that “Juanita” has finally published an album of her own, but that happened months later. I don’t have any specific dates for anything, though. No one knows who the real-life “Juanita” is, which in my opinion, is noble of Zach. He had a lot of anger to get out, but unlike her, he wasn’t going to ruin her life to try and get something out there. He can make a statement without ruining someone else along the way.

With that knowledge, let us all stand and clap for this man.

Not only is the album just a really good listen, but each song tells a cohesive story. The tones each song sets, as well as the far under-appreciated interludes (or over-appreciated in terms of Showtime), really shows how his emotional state changes. Phantom Love is a lament, She Don’t Know is a classic “I’m sad bc my gf broke up with me :(“ which is how Zach perceives that incident at that point in time, whereas Nightmare is him falling into depression stronger than anything he’s ever felt before. Curtain Call is him arguing with himself about whether or not he should even live anymore, and it all comes back around with the upbeat, heavy-rock literal song of War!. The interludes take the tone of the next song and combine it with the lyrics of the previous to show that smooth transition between emotions as he grapples with his mental state, the only exception really being Interlude I, as it has an overall bouncy tone to it.

Zach not only made every single song enjoyable, but also unique and heartfelt. Just listen to how his voice shakes during Christie Only Knows. He is genuinely upset and lost, and because of this, he’s better able to convey the HUGE emotion dump that was his album.

Do I recommend it? Yes. I think there’s something in there for everyone, even if you only enjoy one of the songs. However, doing a review is going to be an entire post in and of itself.

Thanks for reading, guys. Now go listen to the album and tell me your thoughts. Does my explanation make sense? Do you have a better idea? Let me know. I want to have a real discussion about it with other people who have listened to the whole thing, not just Interlude IV.

If you haven’t listened to it yet, it’s on YouTube and ITunes. Do yourself a favor and check it out. The whole thing is ~45 minutes long.

Have a link to the playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_n1rA_1uUBtxoATot0ixiTgvdEHhj3lAn4

[wychive]

𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨

summary // you found your pile of ‘letters’ to hyunjin that contain thoughts that have never been said and decided to write to him one last time.

pairing(s) // hyunjin x gn!reader, hyunjin x oc, slight minho x reader

genre(s) // angst, letter fic 

warning(s) // mentions of food, themes of being forgotten, vulgar wording, humiliation, overthinking

word count // 2.0k

author's note // happy birthday @noya-sannnn​ !! im sorry this was so late hhh you know how i am irl,, but i hope you enjoy this! i love you so much, jane <3 i apologize for the many grammar mistakes gn. i recommend listening to iu’s ending scene while reading this! btw y/n/n means your nickname.

[10/01/14, 3:55am]

dear jinnie,

hi there! it's y/n <3 i hope you're doing okay - i mean of course you are pfft anyways, just writing this short letter (more like paragraph)  sort of as a venting mechanism? for things i cant tell you about lol  im not so sure how you would call it, since you're so much better at words than i am. basically were like:

hyunjin: ow a brain freeze!

me: haha brain go brrrr

anyways haha yea <3 it's 4am so like,, ill see you at school!

signed,

your loser,

y/n/n

[15/02/14, 12:34am]

yo heartthrob!

im back with this kinda stuff haha it's been a whole? week? since ive written one of these so like yes..hi! i just wanted to say thanks, for today. you really know how to cheer me up huh? you really outdid yourself by setting up that little picnic for us. congrats on making the strawberry cake so perfectly <3 this day will always stay as a core memory in the back of my brain. you're too caring sometimes,,, istg you'll pay for this [maybe hugs?] >:) 

signed,

your partner in crime,

y/n/n

[30/02/15, 01:29am]

jinnie-senpai~~

LMAO you hate me calling you that, doesn't change a thing though. hehe,, nways i hope you enjoyed your birthday present :) i got you that really cool skateboard that you wanted. i worked my ass off for that in my mother's garden so like,, you gotta thank me for that a thousand times :D nah jk, its a sincere gift, from me to you. i rarely do this for ANYONE so consider yourself lucky to have a best friend like me -3- also, seungmin is like….kinda the cutest person ever. introduce me to him pls, thank!

signed,

<your bestest friend3,

y/n

(p.s. you're kinda cute too,,,, ig,,, still stinkee tho)

[13/04/15, 9:04pm]

hey 'baby' (HAHAHA ihy for this)

i hope your day was okay! i didn't see much of you today (which was sort of a bummer but wtv) so like…. uh yea. you told me you were doing okay over text, which kinda surprised me because like?? we always video call lol this is kinda the first time,, but its okay, i trust you! (i really hope youre doing alright tho, i'll beat anyone up if they make you sad >:( ) you also called me 'sweetheart' today which was like…. omg wtf haha????????? that was so weird to me for some reason… a good kind of weird :D we haven't done those kinds of nicknames in a while so…. happy to know that they're back in session <3 i talked to the new girl today, she's really cool! like she knows the bean song on tiktok so like its a total win heh, ill introduce you to her tomorrow! you'll love her a lot

signed,

your 'lover',

y/n/n

[08/06/16, 10:23pm]

hey howl (hehe go back to that movie night we had)

this spring break sucks so much,, esp because youre not here (you still couldve brought me along :'[ ) but wtv i hope youre enjoying yourself. ive been hanging out with yeonnie lately and i found out she likes conan grey too like pls i love her sm. can we adopt her?? please???? she told me you guys have been video calling too and that makes me so happy!! you two are getting along so well aaa my precious babies </3 

what if you developed a crush on her? haha…..jk unless?? (no jk dont shes all mine, stay away >:) ) anyways, i hope the three of us hang out soon. maybe go to that ice cream parlour where they serve the best cookies and cream?  

signed,

your daisy,

y/n/n

[19/07/15, 01:23am]

peepee poopoo hello

heyheyhey!! (heh, haikyuu thingz) i hope youre doing okay! i mean sure you are, with everything going so well. also i feel like you're not telling me something. maybe it's just me? is it? i hope it is because you tell me everything,, we've been talking less these days but its okay! i know how busy you are, especially with your dad always bugging you,,

also, i think yeonbin likes you :0,, she keeps talking about you whenever we hang out. don't get me wrong, its not bad that she likes you but...something doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm being the third wheeler here and like ugh idk. haha laughs yea i think its just me.. im sorry, i didnt mean to do you like this,, anyways, ill see you soon + her too ofc- yall are inseparable lmao

signed,

your moonlight,

y/n/n

[23/07/15, 01:56am]

greetings, kind sir

lol more like mean sir but like aight KSKSK,, anyways,, how have you been? we haven't really talked in a while,, our convos are always so short with it being one-sided :/ i wish you were online more. yeonnie is ignoring me,, do you know why? i think you do,,, but when i asked you just said you didnt know. did i do something wrong? pls tell me.. 

she blocked my contact the other day and she won't even smile at me when i pass her in the hallways. its,, sad and stressful especially because she was the only one that would genuinely talk to me. i hate to say this,, but i miss you. us, hanging out like the best trio we are, yknow? but i dont think you miss me the same way. sorry, im getting out of hand. i know im just overreacting. im just gonna sleep ig,, good night! sweet dreams,,

signed,

your pink lemonade,

y/n/n

[25/07/15, 03:25am]

hi there

i heard you and her got together?? congrats, jinnie! im so proud of you,, especially because you never had even considered getting a girlfriend a few months earlier lmaO you really woo the ladies huh? anyways,, i hope you've been well since we last talked,, how many days has it been?? i would say nearly a week or so but honestly it feels like a hundred years,, considering you and i used to talk every day. but you have her now to keep you company.

keep this a secret but can you possibly tell me why it hurts when i see her? or when i mention her or even think of her?? is it because she's connected to you? but.. you're my best friend, so why? is it because i miss you? is it because im alone now? is it because you left me with a simple 'i have to go now,, bye y/n/n.'? im not sure either. im being silly, i apologize. ill figure it out sooner or later. sweet dreams, jinnie

signed,

your asswipe,

y/n

[25/07/15, 04:30am]

jinnie

it's because i love you. 

signed,

your butterfly,

y/n

[??/08/??, 05:??am]

you

i miss your lame jokes. i miss your smile. i miss your laughs. i miss your funny faces. i miss the way your eyes twinkle. i miss th way you would make me happy just by doing the bare minimum. i miss the disaster you made when cooking breakfast. i miss the night when you snuck me out just to go to that pretty lantern event. i miss when you would call out my name everytime we met. i miss when we would share earbuds in train rides. dont you get it, hyunjin? i miss you.

[??/??/15, ??:??am]

asshole.

please tell me that isn't true, please. you're too kind to do these kinds of things, right? + i was your best friend,, then, why, why did you hurt me like this. i didnt do anything wrong.. you couldve just told me you didnt like me,,, why did she have to tell me? out of all people. 

youre so pathetic for this,, i thought you were brave, bold - but youre just a fucking coward. i loved you, i really did. and i realised too late… im sorry. she,, i shouldn't have talked to her in the first place, right? i bet you knew she humiliated me, in front of everyone. of course you did, you were the only one that knew. you told her. fuck, i hate you so much (yet why do i long for you on a night like this?). you know how much that'll affect me and yet, there you are, laughing about it with her.

signed,

fuck off,

you know who i am.

[31/08/15, 03:41am]

ah, jinnie

please tell me this is just a nightmare. please, please. stop just reading my texts, please answer them. jinnie. i miss you so much. i dont care bout her, please just let me be in your arms. i dont care if you love me back, please just talk to me at least. tell me what i did wrong,, jinnie,, please,,, clear these tear stains on my cheek with kisses.

signed,

your fuck-up,

y/n

[15/09/15, 04:59am]

jinnie

why do i keep crying because of you? its been a few weeks since everything has happened. please, nothing has changed. i still love you the same even with all the hatred i have pent up in this stupid brain of mine. i wish i could just walk back in time, to where it all began.

when i first met you in third grade and you pushed me while playing soccer or maybe when we took those ridiculous prom pictures, remember those? i hope you still have them,, because i do too. i hope the pictures of us on your wall still hang there,, it'll remind you of the happy times. hm,, maybe you don't need them. 

you already have millions of pictures with you and her,, i bet you printed some and replaced those with ours right? sly dog. 

signed,

friend,

y/n/n

[04/02/16, 12:57am]

hey

i went to the park today and saw both of you being happy. it's nice to see your smile again. im sorry i didnt go up to you,, i just thought it would be awkward. when i heard that adorable laugh of yours, it made me realise that i lost something special. but it's okay isnt it? as your happiness matters more than mine. 

signed,

y/n

[06/01/20, 08:00pm]

dear hyunjin,

im doing fine here. how about you? gosh,, how long has it been? years? since we last talked to each other. i havent heard from you since. i would just like to say i still think of you sometimes, when watering the plants or dancing while making pancakes. sometimes i think you're here with me too, just being the pals we were. 

sometimes i'd see you out, just reading a book in the park or buying pasta sauce at the grocery store. it's nice to see you having a stable life. im not sure if you're still with her or not, but its good to know that you still have that large friend group. also! you're never gonna guess who im dating--

it's minho! do you remember him? the one that i used to hate,, uh yeah. he asked me out the other day- you may wonder how tf,,, i too do not know how tf but he gives the best hugs ever. he gave me the love i wanted from you. he stitched my heart back together after it broke,, i love him so much, jinnie..

it's snowing,, do you remember when we would skate on the frozen lake in front of your house? are your parents well? i wonder if your mother still has those earrings i bought for her birthday. i never told you this but your laugh and hers sound so similar. 

i would just like to say thank you, for everything. you were a big part of my life, up until now. when we see each other after this, we would just be strangers. maybe flash a little smile or give a little wave whenever we greet each other but nothing more. some memories of us would flow in every now and then but it'll just be a short teaser. well, i'll be going now. smile for me, okay?

signed,

the one that loved you the most,

y/n.

taglist // @/noya-sannnn, @crvgio​ , @neo-shitty​

reply to be in my gen taglist!

[kookicat]

When You've Walked My Road

None of the others have been to this safe house, and if he has his way, it'll stay like that, because it's less safe house and more medic station, with cupboards packed with every supply that they might need. There's a sturdy wooden table that he keeps scrubbed, and five camp beds, because if they ever have to retreat to the place, he's making sure the whole team is there and locking the place down.

He pulls out the big medical bag and dumps it on the table, flipping it open to inspect what's left inside. It's still almost full, missing just a few bandages and dressing packs from their last job, but they're going up against Damien Moreau -Damien fucking Moreau- and while Nate seems blissfully unconcerned about the potential for danger, Eliot can't let himself fall under such illusions. He knows intimately just how dangerous the other man is, and if he can't stop Nate running them up against him, at least he can make sure they're as ready as they can be. Mitigate some of the damage when things go bad, because he honestly can't see how this ends without bloodshed. God, I hope I can keep them all safe, he thinks, and rubs the back of his neck, feeling the tension there. Let me be the one bloody, if it comes to that.

The thought brings him neatly back to the medical supplies and he grabs an empty tub, pulling everything out before he wipes the inside of the bag with sanitiser spray and spools up his mental checklist of what needs to be inside. Dressings, band aids and bandages are a simple staple, along with tape, and he adds in two more packs than he hopes they'll ever need, following them with wound cream and wipes, because it's an easy first step in avoiding an infection. He pauses, then tucks another tube in, because between him and the minor injuries Parker gets, they go through the stuff with frightening speed sometimes. He drops in a couple of slings and splints, rubbing his wrist in reflex, because he'd picked up a nasty sprain a few jobs ago and a splint would have made the drive home a lot more comfortable.

He knows it surprises people that he knows how to heal as well as how to bust heads, a dichotomy they can't quite reckon, but it makes perfect sense to him. His whole unit had learned basic medical skills, because if the guy next to you is shot in the gut, you don't have time to wait for help. And anyway, in his line of work, knowing how to patch yourself up can be the difference between life and death, because bullet holes and stab wounds tend to attract the wrong kind of attention at an ER.

He flips open the trauma shears, checking they still work and tucks them in, next to a smaller kit that includes single use scalpels and suture packs. On a whim, he adds a couple of disposable tweezers, because Parker had got a nasty metal splinter climbing through a duct on their last job and Sophie's still moaning about them using her expensive tweezers to get it out three months later. It makes him smile, just for a second, before the tension in his gut takes over again. Some jobs just feel wrong, and this is one of them, doubly so because of Moreau's involvement. Eliot's no coward, but you don't take down a guy like Moreau; you either put a bullet in his skull, preferably from a distance, or you keep the fuck out of his way.

He pokes his mental checklist and digs through the tub, pulling out a handful of hemostatic dressings and elastic bandages. The items are on the list of things he carries but hopes never to have to use, because uncontrollable bleeding isn't something he can fix in the field and anyway, the damn stuff burns like fuck. There's a neat round scar on his bicep to attest to the fact, and he can still remember the terror of watching his blood pour out of him like water from a tap. He tucks the items in the bag, because if his life had taught him anything, it's that it's better to be over prepared than under prepared.

Rain lashes against the windows, and the sky is filled with dark and looming clouds that match Eliot's mood perfectly. He adds a bag of IV supplies, the plastic catheters incongruously cheerful in the dim light. He's pretty sure his arms are still bruised from teaching Sophie and Parker how to place them, but it'll be worth it, if this goes down how he thinks it will. Three bags each of normal saline and Lactated Ringers solution go in next, along with a couple of banana bags. If they need more fluids, they're in hospital territory, and the thought sends a weird little shiver through him. It's not exactly a premonition, but it still reinforces just how bad an idea this job is.

Maybe I can get Nate to listen, he thinks as he packs the drug case back in the medical bag, adding Zofran as an afterthought, because he knows he'll puke his guts up with a bad enough concussion and going through that once was awful enough that he never wants to do it again. There's a couple of types of broad spectrum antibiotics in there, just in case, too. He knows Nate, knows that now he's got the scent, nothing will stop him, but Nate isn't the only stubborn one on the team and maybe, for once, they can get him to listen to reason. The rest of them have the choice of going along for the ride or getting out of the way, but the thought of leaving Nate to handle Moreau alone makes well hidden anxiety worm through his gut. He's committed and that means being prepared, so he heaves a sigh and tucks a couple of tourniquets under the webbing on the outside of the bag, where they're easy to get at quickly. If they have any luck left, they won't need them, but anything involving Moreau feels like a curse.

Just the sound of his name makes Eliot's hands feel sticky, coated in drying blood, because God knows he'd shed enough of the stuff in the man's employment. He flips the bag back open and adds in a box of gloves, then walks around the table to drop heavily on the seat there, exhaustion hitting him suddenly. It's well down in the AM and he's been awake this best part of twenty four hours. It's not the longest he's ever been awake, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel the drag of tired muscles, the dull throb of a headache that's been with him since Nate announced the plan. The safe house is chilly, because he hasn't bothered to kick the furnace one, and he shivers, forcing himself to his feet because the job's not done yet and he wants the bag finished before he sleeps.

Silver foil emergency blankets go in next, along with heat and cold packs. He runs warm, but Parker and Hardison both tend to get cold easily and that's bad if they're also nursing an injury. Shock is no joke and he's run that gauntlet enough times to respect it. He adds burn gel and dressings, just in case, because Parker has no fear of climbing through steam vents that any sane person would avoid. The bag is bulging and he runs through his checklist one more time, satisfied that he's got everything he might need.

A quick glance at his watch tells him that he has three hours to grab some sleep and he heads to the ratty but comfortable couch in the small living area, dropping down onto it with a sigh and bending to unfastened his boots before he swings his jean clad legs up and tugs the ugly knitted throw down over himself. He blinks, yawning, and knows if he wants to function properly in the morning, he needs to sleep, but his mind is buzzing with what if's that he just can't shake. He forces a breath out through his nose and shifts a little, getting more comfortable. Every time he closes his eyes, all he can see is his team, broken and battered and bloody on the floor. After what seems like an eternity, he gives in and reaches under the table next to the couch for the bottle there, lip curling in self disgust as he downs a good mouthful. It's a crutch, and a crude one at that but any port in a storm and he's facing a big one. The booze takes the sharpness off everything and he settles back down, eyes closing, and finally lets himself rest.

[hitsuackerman]

What in the World? (Akaashi Keiji x Reader) pt.17

a/n: aye. please read the authors note at the end :)

Akaashi’s lineup: @alluring-akaashi @oikawalmart-hq @extrasugafree @bbykiyoomi @apricotjihyo @awings @simpformiya @sayakaaaaaa @colorseeingchick @demursv1ogs​ @chrisrue15 @beanst0ck  @parttime-simp​  @kit-kat428​ @ntimacy​ @something-that-idk (i have no idea why i can’t tag some of you :( huhu )

links: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 16, part 18

The last thing you saw, before being eaten by whatever Deku projected, were Akaashi’s wide opened eyes. After that, it was nothing but darkness. If it weren’t for Bakugo gripping tightly onto your uniform, you swore you would have experienced a heart attack despite such a young age.

Yet, the sensation of opening your eyes to bland white walls and beeping machines was foreign.

“(y/n)? Darling?” A familiar voice caught your attention. “Are you alright?”

Attempting to sit up, you were assisted with a pair of warm hands. Looking at the owner, your breath hitched upon seeing the face you had been trying to communicate many months back. Scanning the room, you accounted your parents, all your classmates, Bakugo, and Deku. The latter two being assisted by two nurses.

“(y/n)...? Drink this.” Shoto said as he handed a glass of water. Holding the glass to your mouth, he watched as you gulped down the liquid.

“Wh-why am I here?” You muttered. Looking at Bakugo and Deku, seeking answers from them would be useless. Both boys were still groggy and coming to their senses. Only to be met with silence, your eyes tried to meet whoever would dare answer your question. “Why isn’t anyone answering me?”

With the heart monitor picking up your increasing pulse, Shoto carefully placed his arm around your shoulder. Instincts came in as you immediately held on to his hand for support.

“Calm down.” He whispered. “If you want to cry then it’s alright. Giving yourself more stress isn’t good for you.”

Knowing he was right, you leaned on his arm and stared at your palm. Activating your quirk, a small gasp escaped your lips when you felt its power once more. The usual effort of having to use it seemingly vanished. With the glow brighter than ever, you quickly clenched your fist and let out a sigh.

“Shoto?”

“What is it? Are you in pain?” He leaned in closer and held your hand.

“I don’t wanna be here.” It was barely audible but he heard it enough.

“(y/n)-chan?” It wasn’t new for you to hear people calling you by that name but it felt different. Used to hearing Bokuto or even Konoha, your lips twitched upon recalling that you were not in the same world as them. Glancing at the source, Recover Girl had prepared a syringe with some sort of glowing liquid. “This’ll help calm your nerves and prevent your quirk from going haywire.”

Extending your arm, you barely winced as the needle pierced your skin.

“Would you like some privacy?” Recovery Girl asked. Though she knew that there was no need to question, it was only out of respect towards the visitors. Once she received a nod of confirmation, she began to shoo the people out of the room. Save for Shoto, Bakugo, and Deku. “Now that they’re out of the way, how’re you feeling?”

“I feel…” How did you feel? It was bad enough that you were forcibly taken back to where you belonged. If she was talking about your quirk then you were definitely sure how you felt. However, if she meant about the gaping hole developing in your heart then it was something you’d rather not dive into. “I’m not really sure how I feel.”

“Would you like to know why you came back here?”

“If it doesn’t bother you, then yes please.”

“Initially, you were supposed to be back after 4 days. At least that’s what we had initially agreed on.” She began. “But, the machine carrying Bakugo and Midoriya over to your location malfunctioned. Instead of your quirk going haywire, it was Midoriya’s that did. However, it would be better for you to take into consideration.”

“That what?”

“Midoriya and Bakugo were supposedly, in theory at least, to be transported and thereby encapsulated to those tanks over there.” Using her syringe cane, she pointed to the rather large mechanism. “That IV hose on your chest targets your arteries. Because of the nature of your quirk, it was a gamble on our part to see if that was the core of your power.”

“This medical talk is only confusing me.” You let go of Shoto’s hand and massaged your temple. “What is the point of all that?”

“It means that everything that happened, everything you felt and experienced, was nothing but a product of your mind’s unconscious effort to create a paradise.”

“P-pardon?”

“Because we were using your quirk as a means of bringing you back, it was expected that once the both of things were good to go, they would become as little as atoms and be enclosed in those capsules. Once they were stabilized, they would then take a small trip inside that IV hose connected to your chest. Merging them with your quirk, it would open the path to your neocortex and thalamus.”

“I wasn’t asking about the procedure.” You were more than aware you sounded rude but that was beyond you. “Did you say everything was a product of my i-imagination?”

“The effort of saving you could have gone two ways. The hypothesis was that if these two boys shrunk and turned into the size of atoms, then the possibility of another universe was very high. Yet they never did. Their bodies were not affected yet the green light indicated they had safely traversed to where they needed to be.”

“So... “ Feeling your fingers grow numb, you held on to your blanket and relayed all the events that happened. From having to adjust and get to know your surroundings, learning more about whatever life you had before you woke up in that version of Tokyo, to growing closer with the people there, and to eventually finding solace in the skilled hands of a setter… was nothing but a product of your imagination. “None of it was real?”

With no answer coming from the small nurse, you let out a silent cry towards Bakugo and Deku.

“You guys were there right? You saw how each person had their own train of thought? How big that area was?” Blinking the stinging sensation away, you felt tears rolling down your cheek. The heart monitor gradually beeping faster.

“I get that you’re panicking but what Recovery Girl stated, we were informed about it.” Deku explained. “In all honesty, Kacchan and I were putting it into consideration that something was off and that all of that was real. But the more we thought about it, the more it dawned to us that nothing really made sense.”

“Think about it, extra. You told us you’d be reaching 8 months there. I bet your mother there doesn’t even have a damn clue as to who you really are. Don’t even think about foul mouthing me cause I spend a handful of my time debating whether or not that's true or not.”

“Maybe it was a side effect of that villain’s quirk.” Shoto finally spoke up. He had a ton of questions but he knew it would all be left unanswered. “It happened right after, did it not? Perhaps it wasn’t water but something else and that the records were wrong.”

“We rechecked the criminal’s records and can confirm that his quirk was just water.” Recovery Girl added. Standing up, she fixed her coat and walked closer to you. “I know your thoughts are rampant and in a mess but don’t strain yourself. You just woke up and are still in an unstable position. Let me know if you want some Temazepam. Sleep would help.”

Watching her leave, you stared at the large window.

“Akaashi Keiji. Bokuto Kotarou. Konoha. Fukurodani Gakuen. Other Mother. Asami. Akiko.” You began to roll call each person you knew. At least the very important ones.

“Are those names?” Shoto asked softly.

“Yeah.”

“I have a lot of questions but I know you deserve to rest.” He carefully placed his index finger on your cheek to make you stare at him. Seeing how pale and spaced out you were, he motioned for you to scoot over and give him space. Giving him enough room to lay down, you allowed him to pull you into his arms. “I’m all ears if you want to vent it out.”

“I…” Making yourself comfortable, you nuzzled into the crook of his neck. The warmth his body gave was as comforting as ever. Closing your eyes, you began to absentmindedly play with his shirt. “Am I going crazy, Shoto? Everything felt real. There’s no way I’m capable of creating something that vast in my head.”

“Were those the names of the people you encountered?”

“Yeah. A few of them. Shoto?”

“Hm?”

“What did my mom and dad do?”

“Well…” Blinking his thoughts he wasn’t sure whether he should share it or not. “They were planning to get you back forcefully after 3 days. Whether Bakugo or Midoriya were fine with it or not.”

“Hm… I guess nothing’s changed. Truth be told I was kinda expecting something like this to happen.” Wrapping your arm around his body, you allowed your mind to wander what was happening on the other side. Did they remember you? Now that you weren’t there, did the you from the pictures emerge?

“Don’t overthink. Nothing good comes from that.” Turning to face you, he began to pat the back of your head. Despite the countless times he’s done that gesture, he had to admit he was still stiff as a board when it came to affectionate cuddles. “Go to sleep. I’ll see what I can do to help when you wake up.”

“I’m sorry for bringing more drama into your life.” You chuckled as you savored the safety Todoroki Shoto offered. “You have more than enough on your plate.”

“I don’t mind. Just don’t go on by thinking you don’t belong here.” Resting his lips on the crown of your head, he took a moment and blinked his thought process. The slight increase of his heartbeat was a bit off. Thinking it was due to the coffee he had a few hours ago, he shook his head and closed his eyes. “I’ll always be here. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know.”

“I know~”

You weren’t sure how many hours you slept but it still hadn’t sunken in that you woke up next to a sleeping Todoroki. Still in the nurse’s office, you sat up and examined your body. It was only now how you saw the amount of tubes and hoses that pierced your rather weak torso.

Looking across your bed, the machine that had transported Bakugo and Deku stood out like a sore thumb. You could tell it wasn’t the handy work of any of the support students. Staring at the capsules, your eyes followed the connected hose till your vision rested on your chest. It did occur to you that perhaps your heart was the center of your quirk, you just never took it seriously.

“How ironic.” You commented.

Feeling the bed shifting, you glanced over your shoulder and admired how fast asleep your friend was. Remembering that BakuDeku were still in the room, the hospital curtain prevented you from searching for them. Recovery Girl must have given you privacy when you two fell asleep.

Focusing on your palms, you activated your quirk. It truly felt amazing to know your powers were back to the way they were. Yet, being used to not having to rely on it was a whole different story. It may have been 2 months on this side of the world but it would probably be much easier to be relying on your quirk than not.

Slowly laying back down, you rested on your side and stared at the sleeping Shoto. Fixing his bangs, an image of Akaashi sleeping flashed in your mind. Compared to Shoto���s soft features, Akaashi was gifted with rather sharp ones.

What was he doing now? Were his thoughts or memories wiped clean? The last words you said before waking up was his name to add to your growing list of problems.

“Don’t cry.” Drowned in your thoughts, you hadn’t realized that Shoto had woken up. Meeting his eyes, there was nothing but sadness and sincerity.

Wiping the tears with his sleeve, he kept his right palm open. Using his quirk, he began to form little snowflakes.

“You’ve gotten better~” You sniffled. A small smile resting on your tear stained face. If there was one thing you two kept a secret, it was how Shoto couldn’t create detailed snowflakes. On a good day, he could form a few lumps of soft snow but this time, he had managed to create intricate patterns large enough for the eyes to see.

“Found some spare time to practice. It took a while but I realized that I had to incorporate a bit of heat into the mix. It’s pretty, is it not?”

“It is.”

“I won’t ask why you stopped trying to communicate with us here.” He began. “Bakugo and Midoriya managed to send a message about what was happening to them. I was honestly relieved that you were doing fine. But it annoyed how I couldn’t do anything.”

“You did what you could, Tododorky~” You poked his cheek. “Just give me a few days and I’ll answer your questions alright?”

“Alright.”

- - - - -

a/n:

I’m back :D

I posted much later than anticipated and I’m really sorry to keep all of you waiting :( My schedule was just so jam packed and I just couldn’t insert the time to write. If I did, I only managed to squeeze in a few sentences before I gave up due to stress and hatred of whatever the fuck is happening to the company I’m working in -_-

I’ve been feeling quite low these past few days and it’s really making me question whether or not the stories I make are worth reading :( I’m still tired as it is but it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t try to make things better than they are :]

that being said, the next upload date is a bit blurry but I will do my very best to upload back to my original schedule! :)

i hope all of you enjoy your day and this chapter! :) it ain’t much but i tried T.T

[twistytwine]

No-reblogging-please.

Vent + mental health question because I need some:

So it’s been two years since I cut off an ex-friend and just a few weeks ago they messaged me out of the blue and basically taunted me. And for these two years my brain hasn’t shut up about them and because of it I get unwanted thoughts about them everyday. They used to be so intense to the point where I would get nightmares of them, but now the thoughts are sort of quieter now and the nightmares have instead been reduced to once-in awhile dreams surrounding them.

I’ve gotten... less angry, thinking about them, I guess. I’m less angry now and just kinda indifferent to it all. Like I feel upset but more in a hollowed out, empty way. Like “I feel so disconnected at this point that this is the default emotion I have to them.” I think I’m less angry because Ive told myself that we hurt each other when we were only 13. Seriously, 13, and I was just around 12 when I first met them. Of course, we still vagueposted and we guilt tripped, but after that I did my best to get better and mature. They still vagueposted instead of confronting me about things they wanted to say or whenever I messaged them about something I wanted to say. They just ignored me and went to make a venting vaguepost about it and never messaged me back until I reached out first. So no problems were solved. I was impulsive and got more impatient back then, but Ive forgiven myself for that immature behavior, especially when they were just... so fucking neglectful and talked shit behind my back. I was so happy talking to them one time but then I checked their blog and they made a vaguepost about how much they hated me. After we got into an argument, they got upset and then proceeded to vanish from the internet for 3 days without giving any warning to any of their other friends or me and expected us to not have any worries at all when they returned, like if anybody else made a mistake they’d vaguepost about it instead of telling us but when they made a mistake they’d expect us to baby them and care for them and be so forgiving and never be mad, because if we got mad and tried talking to them about it, they’d say we were being toxic and scary, even when WE wanted to tell them about something they were doing that hurt us, they ignored us and never replied and would vaguepost about that shit instead and expect us to be fine with it.

Okay, maybe I’m not that less angry than I was before. But... I’m coping the best I can. I’m not toxic anymore, like how I was when I was 12-13. I’m older now and more mature, and I’m being more healthy about how I cope. I’m still upset about how I continue having intrusive thoughts about them pretty much everyday or keep relating everything to them everyday. Like how a friend of mine might not reply to a message right away and I’ll get anxiety thinking that they’re ranting about me to someone else, or making a vaguepost about me on their blog. No matter how kind that friend is, my brain will always think, “But what if they’re like them?”

It took so long for me to get the courage to stop checking their blog after I unfollowed them because I was horrified they were vagueposting about me every single fucking day. I used a browser extension to literally stop me from going onto their blog site, and that’s all that could make me stop. It also took me so long to not cry after seeing a literal anime profile pic because it reminded me a lot of their art style.

I feel... better, after typing all this out. I might make some positive vent art later. But now I’m just... what do I do? For the rest of my teen years? Do I just... wait until all the bad thoughts go away? This all happened when we were literally 13-14 fucking years old, but... I don’t know. They hurt me and others. People say forgiving someone can make you feel better, but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. I don’t think I am. I spent one of those years wanting to stay with them because I was convinced, “Maybe they’ll get better. They’re acknowledging how they’ve hurt people before. Maybe they’ll stop.”

But it’s kinda like watching a bad TV show. And you’re not watching it because you like it. You’re watching it because you keep saying to yourself, “It’ll get better. It’ll get better. Maybe if the audience gives the show feedback and support, it’ll get better.” But it never does. And when it’s all over, you think to yourself... “Why didn’t things get better?” They just kept hurting me, and my friend. They just kept doing it.

Because it happened when we were so young, I do wish them to have a good life. I wish them to be happy and to be okay and safe. But... what do I even do to help myself heal? I know recovery is a slow process, but... how long is it gonna take until I can live without having thoughts of them constantly haunting me?

[sahbibabe]

Ignoring The Obvious

Soulmate AU

Sephiroth/Fem! Reader

Part Eleven

Your hospital stay is short. Your training commences. Reno has serious problems with being... well, helpful. Or encouraging. Especially with a giant Shinra dog chasing you through vents.

THE BED WAS HARD, YOUR knees were killing you, your abdomen was on fire, and the nurse was steadily refusing to give you morphine no matter how much you begged. You had spent the better part of two days as high as a kite, blissfully unaware of the train wreck of memories about to hit you the moment you were weaned off of your medication. The file─your unfiltered, raw test subject notes and classifications─sat innocently on the nightstand as if it was completely separate from the emotional turmoil you were facing.

       It would be easy, so easy to slip into the mercenary's mindset and ignore the pain. To shove the emotions aside and bury them so deep you didn't even have to acknowledge their existence. All you had to do was will them away, and they would be gone. But that was unhealthy and the moment you did that, all of your progress would be ruined forever and you would start from scratch once more.

      But did it really matter? You asked yourself the same question over and over again as you watched the Chocobo documentary on the one-channel television network. You would be going back to that life anyways, with that same mindset and habits, without anyone to stop you from doing otherwise. You would be killing people for Rufus Shinra in the name of eliminating competition; a petty game was what it all came down to.

        And you were the knight who guarded the King.

       You looked away from the television to your food. It was plain hospital food, rich in protein to help you replace all of the blood you had supposedly lost while you fought the doctor tooth and nail when he tried to get a needle in your arm for an IV. Reno had laughed when he told you about the resident's injuries, but it only made you feel sick to your stomach when the nurses had to strap you down like a wild animal.

      Other than Reno, your only other visitor was Rude, and he had been thoughtful enough to bring you a bouquet of real flowers. He wouldn't say where he had gotten them from when you asked, just sat in silence, so you asked him instead how Hojo was doing with that stab wound, as smug as you might have sounded.

       "You didn't stab Hojo," Rude told you bluntly, a slight hint of confusion in his voice. Your smugness was wiped from your face. "You stabbed an assistant doctor who had come in to check your new vitals."

        "No," you had whispered,"no, that… That was Hojo. I remember it like it happened seconds ago…"

       "It doesn't matter. The doctor has been treated and compensated out of your salary. You'll be fifty thousand gil short."

     And that had been the end of that.

     Now, you picked at the cheap, plasticky roast beef on your plate and pushed your asparagus around in circles. You weren't getting anywhere without the alarms sounding on your bed, so you were effectively a prisoner until they turned them off. Add that to the iron they were slowly feeding into your IV and you felt like a rabbit confined in a small cage, pacing a few steps at a time.

       Out of the corner of your eye, sitting right beside the file you were desperately trying to avoid reading, sat the Book of Colors: a book that translated all of the different colors soulmates might see, their specific combinations, and surprisingly, origins.

       The strings felt snug against your fingers as you weighed your options, kneading your fingers into your palm. There was a lot you could learn about the authenticity of soulmate bonds through that book. People followed it like gospel, spoke of it as something holy. You had never had a reason to read it until now, or the money to, but now you had prime opportunity and the eyesight to help you do it.

      You picked up the book and pushed your lunch tray away from the bed.

       It was a hefty leather thing, dyed black and sewn with gold thread to display the title: The Book of Colors. One could easily take it for a children's book, but it was so much more than that. A quick glance at the spine showed it was the newest edition.

       The first page you opened it to described the various types of soulmate bonds, everywhere from bonds to the literal soul to telepathic communication. It depended heavily on the people bound to determine what kind of bonds they got. Cynical, unfair people walked around without color vision until they met their soulmate; quiet, shy people got telepathy; and people like you, a mercenary gone civilian, got strings.

       "Strings guide the lost home," you mumbled, tracing your finger over the plain description beneath the header,"and return hearts to where they belong."

       One of the authors theorized heavily that strings meant involvement with the lifestream personally, or some kind of way to identify past soulmates with one another.

       "It's a very unique thing, the strings," the author wrote,"just like anyone else's, but this means that the two souls have already connected before in the past. Eons or two hundred years ago, who can say?"

      You skimmed over the rest and flipped over to the colors, the part you had been dreading and also curiously dying to read. There were sections to different soulmate types, some colors meaning different things, so you found your section and settled down in your springy hospital bed.

       "Identify the weave of your strings," the book told you. It offered a small chart of different weave types. "You may have two types or you may have four. Find yours and look at the pairing chart to determine the intent of your bond."

       That was easy enough. You shook the threads out and looked closely at their weave; there was a single double braid, what looked like a dutch braid, and an elaborately woven pattern that repeated halfway through the string on each one.

       "The double braid signifies a union between two people," you read, following the lines with your finger. "If there is a child born from that union, two becomes three on this specific line."

        You didn't have a third thread, like you expected, so you moved on.

      "The dutch braid signifies a match with power and darkness. Don't worry yourself, though! Darkness can be equated to many things, such as self conflict, a trouble within the body, or even a mental disconnection from stress."

      Sephiroth didn't seem to be mentally disconnected, but you didn't even know him that well. You messed with the threads for a few moments, stuck on that phrasing, before finding the last section where the more elaborate braids were.

       "This gorgeous flower patterned weave means that you have reunited with your soulmate several times in various past lives. Much like additional colors to the vision discussed in the previous soulmate identification, the different petals on it connote just how many times you have been with your soulmate in past lives. Count them! How many do you have?"

         You raised an eyebrow and counted the individual petals. One, two, three, four, five, six, and… just burgeoning on the final petal, weaving itself before your eyes, was seven.

         But there wasn't a number for that─there wasn't even a color combination or weave combination for the mess around your hand. You checked several times, but to no avail; no one had ever had gold, purple, and green and black threads.

       You slammed the book shut and tossed it back on the nightstand just as the door handle turned and popped open. Reno sauntered past the threshold and made himself at home in the guest chair, eating popcorn and humming an odd tune.

       "So, how's the chocobo documentary doing?" His eyes sparkled with mirth. "Making you bored yet?"

       "Sure. If you count restlessness as bored." You crossed your arms and fixed him with a hard stare. "When can I get out and do my job?"

        "In an hour." Reno threw a handful of popcorn in his mouth dismissively. "Doc says you're cleared to start training and work off that excessive energy you have."

        "Good." You ripped your blankets back and hopped out of the bed. The floor was still cold beneath the cheap socks the hospital had given you. The world swam around you for a moment and you steadied yourself against the nightstand. "Good. That means I didn't pass the exam?"

        Reno shrugged. "You never finished it. Tseng pulled some strings. As long as you pass training you should be fine."

       "Why do you sound like you doubt me?"

       "You'll find out in… oh, about an hour."

      And oh, find out you did.

      "Reno, I'm going to murder you for this."

       Sweat traced rivers down your face as you shimmied your way through the ventilation system of the training barracks, a guard dog snapping at your heels. He didn't answer over the comms system, but you knew he had to be laughing at you somehow.

       "Shit," you yelped, feeling the dog's teeth sink down into your shoe. You kicked back on reflex and it cried out, releasing you instantly. You moved a little faster, relieved at the sight of a vent, and slammed your elbow down on the grate. It didn't budge and there was a very pissed off hound breathing down your neck. "Oh, fuck me."

       "Keep on moving, [Name]!" Reno chortled. You scowled and got on your knees, moving as fast as you could given the cramped space. "Three minutes left!"

        "You and your three minutes can go to hell!"

       "Yeah, but then who would sic hounds on you then? You'd fail your training no problem."

      "Reno," you growled, shoving your fingers into another grate just ahead and pushing down hard. It swung open. The dog got closer. "I'm going to kick your ass."

       "Get out of the vents and then we can talk!"

        You dropped neatly onto a bench, the leatherwork groaning beneath your feet. You hopped off and opened the door right as the dog dropped out behind you, hightailing it down the hall at full speed.

        "Gotta take out the dog, too, [Name]!" Reno reminded you.

        Feet skidding into the marble floor, you whirled around, cursing Reno for his snarky reminders and tackled the dog head on. It flailed as you wrapped your arms around its neck and cut off its breathing, barely keeping purchase by pinning your knees to the over muscled thighs. It growled and tried to bite you, the struggle slowing second by second, until it flopped down on the floor, tongue hanging.

         Unconcious, but not dead.

      You reclined back on your haunches with a sigh, wiping sweat from your forehead, and when you opened your eyes, you found the full brunt of Reeve Tuesti's gaze staring you down.

       Your hand dropped from your forehead. Not even your labored breathing helped you forget that you had somehow ended up in a completely different building than Reno had told you to go to.

       "Damnit."

[whitmore]

Ok hang on. Everyones going crazy with this move. Any changes will probs be negligible. CW doesnt have some team of writers with quotas to fulfill. Every show has their own production and team behind it. Obvi some exec crossover with the arrowverse, but point stands that each show has made their own choices/mistakes/whatever anyones opinion of them is. Unless GJ leaves I dont see any major story style changes (any changes to staff writers is normal, they can come and go between seasons). 1/5

As far as budget/aesthetic goes it’s not like stargirl (or any other show) uses cameras/lights that are any different or more $$$ than “CW shows”. Everyone rents the same type of expensive ass cameras (arri alexas, red 1s, etc etc). It’s how they’re used by the DOPs and directors—a specific “look” that’s designed and agreed upon—and then how they’re cut in post. Those ppl are not going anywhere (and tbh there are already some that have worked on stargirl that also worked on cw shows before). 2/5

Costumes! Are already made so there should be no worry about that (and imo there have been better “cw” costumes than wildcats cheekbone mask and beths potato sack for example—stargirl and hourmans are great tho). Location/sets is also a funny one bc first of all sg shoots in ATL. A very tax friendly place to film and where a few other cw shows already film as well. And I’m pretty sure stargirl has even reused some old sets from when vampire diaries filmed there (not 100% on that tidbit tho). 3/5

The only thing I see being affected are CGI and possibly cast. And cgi is more of a time issue than just budget. Other CW shows have had super tight shooting to air schedules which gives post less time to work. Plus if theres more episodes, also less time (but there are cw shows with ~15 eps so I don’t see that changing either!). Cast would be the two big names in Courts parents. But even then I think itll be ok. We arent privy to those negotiations but looking at supergirl for example. 4/5

it wasnt just money (tho im sure it was a contributing factor), but also location. LA to VAN is huge, pretty sure flockhart didnt wanna move her whole family. Anyways im so sorry for this rant but ive seen all this negativity and tons of misinformation floating around all over the internet and it just kills me. We all need to take a breath. s2 is great news! I get if ppl have concerns/reservations, or even if theyre done and wanna jump ship. But in all likelihood, everything will be fine. 5/5

if u wanted a place to talk abt this u probably shouldn’t have came to me, eleanor cosmicstaff, who LITERALLY has a tag for hating the cw but like. yeah maybe it will be but it probably won’t we LITERALLY don’t fucking know. “we all need to take a breath” bro i made an ENTIRE post about me being positive please don’t come here thinking i’m being entirely negative about this because i am very vocally NOT !!!! i know u need a place to vent anon and that’s fine but like. a lot of the changes u mention are NOT okay with me (changing luke & amy, the cgi (which isn’t a TIME ISSUE it’s literally budget bc the time accounts for the amount of hours people get PAID FOR), the costumes which i think are GREAT there was SO much effort put into them down to the STITCHING details joel has said they cost SO much money, also stargirl uses SO much more expensive lighting & cinematography than any cw show, idk where ur getting this information but johns has STATED they use expensive shit. it SHOWS u can see it in the quality of stargirl) like. man i have been really stuck responding to this because i want to remain positive i do but u can’t come in here and like spread YOUR misinformation and expect me to like,, post it and agree and let it slide??? idk anon. y’all have ur own blogs and i don’t want to be used a springboard for people to get their opinions out there u feel? and i respect ur opinion and all and if u think it’s all going to be fine then sure, think it, but critically evaluating the seasons past of shows on the cw or that have moved to the cw, this doesn’t bode well for stargirl at all?? i’m literally just looking at like the evidence and show quality decline,,, it’s facts

please please please look critically at cw works and how the cw mistreats source material and uses shows as cash grabs. stargirl was created for dcu exclusive, not for wider viewing, and it SHOWS. stargirl wasn’t meant to be tied to some wider cw diet coke dc universe. and the changes that will come WILL impact the show and i’m not expecting them to be good changes.

[greatcomettexting2]

the thing about the mod steph and mod nero of greatcomettexting is that i never got to parse out how icky they made me feel whenever i drew boundaries but i really want to because i still feel icky about it so ill warm myself some cawfee and do it now

nero talks a lot about how “none of us what REAL callout worthy things hes done!!” but i figure so long as my skins crawling about how obsessed they both were with me then i can risk his constant talk in every new server he joined about how he “has attempted literal actual murder” even if it was just him having an episode in high school and lobbing a brick

mod steph’s already had a huge history of not knowing when to draw boundaries with people and theres a dozen fucking people who can vouch for this because they all stopped talking to her once she started this weird shit. whether it was suicide baiting people into pitying her and listening to her for like all of 2017 or copy pasting other peoples vents to send herself(wild?) in the Vent Channel. clara talks a lot every one or two years about how much shes “changed” but she continually tests these boundaries to fuck around with people and nero isnt better in this respect at all. it felt like sometimes theyd realize something was a boundary for someone and then trigger it on purpose 

like. the first and biggest and weirdest thing is that nero and clara would take entire conversations i’d had years ago and roleplay them out WORD FOR WORD in text or on call. sometimes id get uncomfortable with how clearly they remembered each word in the conversation. this wasnt a one off thing, this went on from 2018 to today, and it really really disturbed me, but i had no idea how to talk to either of them about it, because when i did clara would act like she had no clue what i was talking about, and say shit like ““listen jules, i feel like this is one of those instances where you think somethings happening, but it isnt.” the excuse nero used for this was that “ive always thought jules was so cool” but that doesnt explain copying out entire conversations i had that he shouldnt really remember from as early as 2017. it did feel at times like he enjoyed taking on the role of me in these conversations and saying the things i said out loud. this got very very creepy very very fast

that brings me to the next thing which was this. weird obsessive fascination mod steph had with my approval. there is just so much shit.  she picked up her other name “clara” from a friend i have named kai who used to go by clara--the reason steph picked this name was because i would gush a lot about kai to her (which made me really happy because clara would have borderline suicidal breakdowns when i talked about my other friends.) she got really really fucking uncomfortable whenever i gave approval to anyone else too and would act like. a petulant child if i couldnt give her compliments she wanted. the most recent example of this was that i complimented someones selfie that wasnt hers she stayed cold to me for two days. i finally decided to ask her what was wrong and she admitted she had felt “kind of bad” when i ignored her selfie and when i asked her why she didnt communicate this to me, she explained she gets kind of “mean when shes high” (she doesnt, she has a bpd break for julesyboy’s approval when shes high.) she would also get super uncomfortable when i expressed attraction to Anyone, (romantic OR platonic) and begin comparing herself to them (why do this) on text and on call. a most memorable recent experience of this was when i explained to her in detail about a guy i like who’d bit his knuckle, and then she posted selfies everywhere of her blushing profusely and. biting her knuckle (and it really really wasnt the same, poor thing, she really did try.) theres dozens upon dozens of examples of this

and i realise that whole paragraph is wild and kind of funny if you think about it in the context of... like, a kid who admires the attention of their friend. but clara and nero would try their hardest all the time to test everyones boundaries to the point where it got way too weird. if nero knew something was specific to someones abuse he’d make sure to push them about it or make posts about how “weak!” it was for people to deal with “x and x.” or if someone were to expressed a self harming behaviour he would jump in w “OMG! LISTEN! I DO THIS TOO!!.” or he would make jokes about him “selling pics! this is just a reminder! :3 happy valentines day!” (same post, all platforms) before three of my friends who were sex workers approached me asking if this was a weird little joke. it really did feel like at times he said things he knew would shock people the most. and it really did feel like at times every time someone said something out of the ordinary he would. go out of his way trying to say he did that too, it wasnt a big deal. “it doesnt matter if youve self harmed yourself a lot, have i talked about how i once attempted murder yet. does that sound too edgy? i know people are scared of me... omg... omg omg.” and like this is all fine because if you hear his tinkly baby voice on call none of this shit is all that scary, no matter how much he talks about “how his friends think hes really really tough” (where are his friends.) but it does get a little weird when you think about how much of my trauma i confided in both of these two only to have nero blow it off, and how much they enjoyed doing that thing where they would roleplay out my conversations  from 2017 with nero in the role of saying the things i responded with.

the reason ive typed out this long ass post is bc it literally just made my skin itch a little. it still does. when nero and clara would Do The Thing where they played out jules’ old conversations and . when they would post a lot of selfies with captions like “ahhh i love myself! i promise!” only to see my pictures from 2017 and go “ughh... i was REALLY ugly back then, but i promise im pretty now! clara/nero was ugly too, not gonna lie!” before venting about how they were never satsified w their reflections in the mirror it was weird. when clara would vent every night i didnt compliment like. a fucking selfie of hers. about how Unloved She Truly Was it was weird. like bros i am an abused neet living at home and after im done college im fucking out of here forever... u have nothing to be weirdly obsessed about, and copying out conversations i had with you and things i said to years ago won’t make u love yourself any more

tldr: mods neroratio and stephclara were very microobsessed with my attention and with attention in general to the point where they would literally roleplay being me and act like i was “making things up in my head” when i asked them wtf was wrong. and if you remember them from greatcomettexting and admired them for speaking their truth then like. this is what they were like