#i feel unwanted and undesired
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pooooo
#i do whatver i want#anyways#today sucks and it just begun#its my bday#and i feel unwanted#ive vented to two people and it made me feel more better each time#and im thankful that i got to do that#and i Know they care about me and love me#but i spent the whole weekend and especially today feeling ao unwanted#so its a little hard to get over#its just a lingering biting feeling#i feel unwanted and undesired#i Know intrinsically there are people who want me around#like ava and allan and brooke and my cousin#but. idk the feeling is still so unmoving so firm#its a giant wall and i cannot go under and i xannot go over and i cannot go through#the worst part is it has eyes that are angry and a mouth that is mean#and despite saying i am unwanted it also ridicules me for being insecure at all#'why wpuld u say that? what the fuck?' 'u know no pne wants u around right'#'whu would u say i dont want to be around u?' 'can u just get over it already?'#and tho i dont say anything theres One (1) guy in my brain fighting for me#its v small and it isnt loud but it echoes somewhat#'do u think anxiety takes off day wall? do u think it gives up around a special time'#'why would i Want to think that? why would i subject myself to that viewpoint if i had the choice?'#but!! honestly that voice is wrong sometimes and is so angry its blinded by hurt#and i have so little strength and confidence at times like these#why do i habe to face this fucking wall??? why is it ao personal???#do we really need to do this??? i just want to be happy and feel loved and wanted#if u cared about me walk ud move out of my way#:((((!!!!!!
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You can't put puppy Machete in a box and not expect your whole follower count to adopt him, this boi is about to be raised by a village and experience so much love.
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#I think someone pointed this out in the tags#but it's so sweet how in canon he feels unwanted and undesirable wherever he goes#and was abandoned as a kid for being weak and sick and a burden and a drain on resources#but here he wouldn't have to stay in that cardboard box for very long#answered#anonymous#it's just a fictional character but it's hard not to feel sort of mushy about it
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How do I go out and be social and meet people and stuff if I don’t drink anyway. I guess public clubs or other events? How can I ever hope to fight loneliness when agoraphobia controls my stupid life
#ignore me.#it’s a cloudy gloomy day so my mood has become sad and negative#which was then made worse because I opened tinder lmao#now I’m feeling especially undesirable and unwanted idk
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btw in case you're wondering if, after reaching adulthood, you finally escape the horrible pain of always being picked last for sports/games: unfortunately, it does still happen, and it still hurts as much as it did when you were a kid
#did i cry about it? i am embarrassed to say yes#listen. i know i'm short and slow and don't know how to play most sports#but still.#also i may be used to this#but being the last to be chosen means you're not chosen at all because you're automatically part of the team#that didn't choose you either. so there's that!#anyway you guys everything feels really heavy right now and so something as small as this feels like so much#i couldn't help for a little moment thinking. well y'all SAY you like me and want me around. but clearly none of you wanted me on your team#not a single one of you! what's up with that!!!!#and i understand that i really do. i'm not aggressive or intimidating on the field. but the point still stands#anyway that is something i would like prayer for. even though community building IS going well#and there ARE bright spots#but the general feeling of this season is feeling unwanted and undesirable and in some capacity unlovable#so would really appreciate prayer in the larger as well as the smaller things#the small things like this accumulate SO quickly and i really.....hate that actually#the waiting room chapter
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i wish that I was a girl. I wish I wasn’t so unhappy with myself. I wish I could be happy and fine and make myself look beautiful in my gender assigned to me at birth. I wish people didn’t view me as undesirable. I wish I didn’t have to transition to pass in order to actually be seen as somewhat attractive. I wish that even then people still would find me desirable. I wish I was skinny. I wish that I didn’t feel like my youth was wasted away. I wish I didn’t feel like I am falling behind in life. I wish I didn’t feel like the people around me were leaving me behind
#vent post#cw vent#personal vent#been thinking lately#been lonely lately#literally feel like i have no friends#i have no one to talk to except my mom and maybe a coworker#all my friends are going off and getting with their partners and doing things i want to have and experience so bad yet i’m stuck being left#behind as they seem to be too busy for me now#idfk#and of course i’m a trans man who has barely transitioned and i hate feeling like i HAVE to do something in order to even be perceived as da#datable. that is until they learn i’m trans and have a vagina and then all of a sudden i’m undesirable again.#i feel stuck#i’m tired#i’m lonely#i’m trying sometimes but it’s just so much#how is it so easy for others yet i’m stuck feeling unwanted and forgotten#anyways
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I am a normal man who is obsessed with Alfonse Fire Emblem. Come closer -- wait nevermind don't worry about it 🧍👍
#one thing about me is i have always felt undersirable and unwanted and burdensome and the only time i HAVE felt desired#is when i was not myself. i am also deeply aware of respectability politics being a sham and#if your spirit dies you die in real life. BECOME UNPALATABLE. BECOME UNDESIRABLE.#spikes on my shoes and jacket ... save me...... save me spikes on my shoes and jacket.#take back your narrative! take back control! become the monster you were made to feel like become the monster they fear!#the circumstances are not circumstances if you make them your choice.#AND when everyone is put off by me and hates me and wants me dead. well! that's for the best!#in the face of love i feel nothing but the fear and confusion of an injured prey animal.#ANOTHER thing about me. is that i stay silly 🥰🥰🥰😇😇💝💘💓💖💝💞💞💝💖💕💗💘💖💞💖💘💞💕💗💖💞💕💖💘💘#anyways therapy is going really well. YAAAAYYYYYYY 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉#fe alfonse#ok to rb btw this is a shitpost at heart. i just needed to blow off steam in the tags LMFAOOO
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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Yeah i might be one of the most empathetic people on earth but what about 1) thats not a fucking good thing its destroying me and everyone in my life hahaahayaya and also 2) does it even fucking make a difference anymore
#im so ficking stupidnand unwanted and ugly and gross and bad#lile evetthint abt me#eberything#is undesirable#is bad#is geoss#ugly#wrong#annoying#too much TOO MUCH FOO MUCH ALL THE FUCKING TIME ALL THE TIME#i domt know how much longer i can stand feeling this way#actually borderline#su1c1d4l#vent blog#988blr#beansblr#bpd#bpd vent#su1c1d3#su1c1dal#pro healing
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i think my tolerance for moe (ie the anime stuff) is in freefall rn
#(very long tags just a warning)#once you start realising how ingrained the idea is of youth as the ultimate ideal is you see it everywhere and it gets annoying#the way most popular media is about teenagers doing stuff. the way all the popular art is conventionally attractive people#people calling porcelain doll-faced anime girls in gachas ''milfs'' and ''grandmas''#and in the same way the moe ideal is of youthful characters you can find ''cute'' or you're meant to feel you want to protect#something that's more about what they make you feel rather than anything seen as an actual person#and ''moe voice'' anime girl samples/vocals are everywhere in some the genres of music i listen to#so of course this shit is everywhere online. you go to discuss a certain game and nobody gives a fuck about the female mc as a person#they just want to share sanitised art where she's cute or in a maid outfit or whatever#they never have to think about the female characters in a story when they can just call her cute and share said art#they don't want a person they want something cute#age lines and anger and low periods and certain body types and other facts of life considered ''undesirable'' have no place in moe#people don't want that stuff. and that's what gets me. it's internalised and ingrained EVERYWHERE#and that's transformed into something very ugly in that it's being taken as an ideal rather than a character type#and it means a lot of the things i think are part of the experience of living are cut out and ignored and treated as unwanted#as well as manifesting as ageism and racism and xenophobia at worst when taken as an actual ideal#why do you think there are so many far right wingers who love all that moe stuff and have anime pfps?#anyway back to my main point of irritation with youth as an ideal: that's just an extreme case#i consider moe a form of crystallisation of youth as an ideal as well as what Certain People want from women#and that's why i find myself. tolerating it less.#i don't want a small anime girl to find cute and ''protect'' and otherwise not think about i want a PERSON#anyway ik nobody's gonna read this i just. i tried to listen to a mashup album from 2011 today#i got annoyed with the constant high pitched moe voice samples and had to turn it off bc i was thinking about all of this#i've never really gotten annoyed w it like this til now tbh
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8 more days till start of Pride Month YIPPEE
#Cade.Txts#I say as if I haven't felt so disconnected from the community lately.#or that i feel like the community seems me as nothing but a joke. haha man being a fat- queer person is so#isolating.#I love feeling undesired and unheard and unwanted.#sorry 2 be sad but I just haven't been feeling welcome for a while or like i belong.#anyways. i will maul people if i have to see some Stupid Shit on my dash.#we support all queer people here. we support contradicting labels here. we support mspec gays we support lesboys here#if u dont take ur shit n go fuck off.#wish i had the energy tyo do things. wish i was confident enough to try n participate in pride stuff where i live.
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,
#i can't stop thinking about it and i feel so undesirable#like okay maybe you only made out with me because we were drunk and not thinking clearly and you never had and don't have an interest in me#which i honestly get like i wasn't hurt by it and we continued to be friends normally and i got over it#bc at most i was vaguely interested in and attracted to her but i was never /into/ her you know#but WHY was it necessary to rub it in my face like that? to completely umpropted talk about how you've done some crazy things#like make out with someone that you wouldn't ever ever EVER make out with while sober!!#and to put such emphasis#i feel stupid because maybe i was too intense that night#and i embarrassed myself and this whole time she's been regretting it because obviously she would never never touch me otherwise#i swear i was feeling fine about it until two nights ago when she said that#now i'm hurt and i feel unwanted and undesirable and dumb and etc etc#worst (or maybe best??) thing is that my instinct is to try and avoid her but we're the only two of our friends doing our masters#and i have most of my classes with her and we do group projects and i just#don't know how to behave#i want to be cold but i don't want to explain and also it's not her fault and it would be absolutely humilliating#i'll just bottle it i guess
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It's a very odd position to know that you're only desirable under very specific conditions to very specific groups of people
#like before I came out being undesirable to men was such a relief. I've never had to experience that kind of attention and I'm grateful#but now I'm lesbian spaces and whatnot I'm still not. enough I guess. I'm so much happier with my body and my mind- like I feel fantastic.#most of the time el oh el#but I struggle with the fact that I've found myself#in a subsection of gay stuff that still leaves me as a non desirable person to the majority of people#I love being fat but I'm not like. cute fat. so already I'm fat removed from most gay shit lol. but then being butch and THEN being b4all#and switch who prefers bottoming like. I feel like I'm stuck just waiting for the hyper specific group of people who want someone like me#I've forced myself to be a way more go-gettem kind of person then I am naturally because otherwise I feel like I'd never get any attention#that isn't dictinctly negative and or unwanted lol#um anyway lol who said that
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But where do I put all this love? It's inside of me, growing and festering and threatening to explode out of me. Who do I give it to now? Where does it go? Where does it go to fade away? Where does it go to die a quiet death? There isn't a pair of familiar hands to receive it anymore, and no longer a welcoming mailbox waiting with its mouth open. Where does it all go and where should I put it? Who do I love now, the way I loved that boy?
#what a headache this is. i dont love him anymore which is just as well because oftentimes that ish HURT.#but whose hand do i hold who do i cook dinner for who will turn to me with laughter in their eyes#like they know i understand the joke who will hold the umbrella so far over my head their whole sleeve gets wet#who do i send letters to while full knowing i'll never get a response but still hoping for one who will wink at me across#the dinner tablr who will walk me home who will i think of while im dancing in the kitchen#who will i make tea for who will i agonize over while planning birthday and Christmas gifts#who will i love the same way? where do i put this mountain of love#what do i do with all the little specific ways i learned to love#and who will love me when the only person who has ever looked and me and said i love you and i want to cherish you#was also the person who made me feel like an afterthought a sincere but directionless fling#who made me feel undesirable and unseen and unwanted? i have never felt so unwanted the way i felt at the very end#anyway this is probably a sign that im up way too late anyway what is the point in wondering lol#since breaking up with the boy i have shot my shot with four other friendly candidates#and have been gunned down by disinterest or unfortunate barriers#since breaking up with him four of my friends have gotten engaged and one has begun a new promising relationship#and four others are pregnant. when will i not have to examine my heart#and see the ugliest kinds of covetous resentful thoughts and feelings and be like#ah yes this is not a healthy response#also no wonder the only boy who ever thought you were worth loving never loved you fully and completely#he signed up for what he thought was a beautiful heart a beautiful mind a beautiful soul no wonder he was disappointed
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#i love feeling unwanted#i love feeling secondary#i love being forgettable#i love being undesirable#i love not being worth the effort#i love it
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i hate when i talk about smth to you fuckin cunts and one of yall is like "oh my god you didn't know that? you didn't know about that? you never thought about that?" like no i didn't and now i mever wanna tell you anything again cause i didn't know and it was new to me and i was happy to tell you and you had to fucking call me a moron. fuck you put yourself in a clothing washer
#vent#fucking assholes talking to me like i'm the stupidest person they've ever met#this is why i left those fucking servers i feel so fucking unwanted and undesired by everyone and i feel like everyone thinks i'm an idiot#and maybe i am at least dont treat me like one give me some dignity at least. fuck
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It hurts being pushed away by you consistently
#i feel disgusting to you#you NEVER want my skin touching yours and i know it's not me it's your own issues but god#it hurts really really bad sometimes#i feel so undesirable#so unwanted#i'm not wanted anywhere near you physically and sometimes that hurts more than anything#will i ever feel enough?#my skin will never touch yours again if that is what you wish#i don't know how to say this because it's not something you can help and rationally i KNOW it's not me#it's your trauma and the current state of your life and relationships#another reason why you even tell me you can't and don't want to be in a relationship#but i don't need or want a relationship i just want to be able to even at a friend level be close to you#without you going ''get off'' in disgusted tones and expressions#it hurts and i don't know what to do or say#i'm never going to force you to WANT to have even a centimeter of me on you somehow whether we're sitting together etc#so it's like how do i say it hurts?#when it's not her fault and it's not mine either#it just is#personal#sorry
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