#kaz Brekker angsty imagine

[jahayla-parker]

Foolish One : Kaz Brekker x Reader

Description: 4.7k wc, angst set to the tale of Foolish One by Taylor Swift. Reader has feelings for Kaz and her wishful thinking results in her suffering from a heartbreaking realization when Inej returns.

Warnings: angst, heartbreak, sadness, crying, unrequited? feelings, SoC standard triggers/topics, no happy ending

Y/n stifled her hopeful smile as she knocked on Kaz’s door. Upon hearing his gruff voice express she could enter, y/n took an anxious breath as she turned the doorknob leading to his office. “Morning, Kaz,” y/n greeted sweetly, stepping into his workspace.

Kaz looked up from his desk. While it wasn’t a smile, the edges of his lips did curl up faintly in response to y/n’s greeting. He knew of her feelings towards him. Normally that would mean pushing her away, but since Inej had left them, he’d been trying to be better at these things. As such, Kaz had been working on being warmer and less harsh towards y/n. He figured if he could, maybe he had a chance of one day being in a semi-normal relationship.

Y/n gracefully crossed the room and sat in the chair across the desk from Kaz. She was always careful to respect his boundaries. As such, y/n kept her hands in her lap instead of fiddling with the new set of pens on his desk.

Kaz picked up on y/n’s gaze and a smirk took over his face. “You can play with them if you’d like,” he offered civilly. “There’s no need to drool over pens,” Kaz joked in a monotonous tone.

Y/n felt her cheeks warm rapidly in embarrassment. She gave Kaz a small grateful smile before she reached across the space between them to grab one of the pens. As y/n spun one of the new pens in between her fingers -her eyes scanning the shiny device-, she couldn’t help but wonder if this was a sign from Kaz.

Y/n had developed a crush on her boss -and friend- Kaz Brekker about a year ago. She never acted on it, assuming it was one-sided and fruitless. But, over the last few months, things seemed to change. Kaz was friendlier, more open about things (albeit minor things, but it was still progress), sought her out to help on things she suspected he didn’t actually need her assistance with, and overall made it seem like maybe, just maybe, he was interested in her too. Y/n’s foolish heart clung onto that hope and belief from the very first sign. Now she was in too deep. After all, Kaz was only simply letting y/n play with the pens on his desk, and she was taking it as a small gesture of his affection.

Jesper had tried to keep y/n’s crushing heart more grounded, worrying her feelings towards Kaz wouldn’t end well. While he’d have to admit that he had seen the way the Bastard of the Barrel was softer towards y/n than he was to the other Crows or Dregs, Jesper didn’t want y/n to get her hopes up. He knew Kaz wasn’t capable of being clear about his feelings and didn’t want y/n to get caught up in all of that. He’d seen it happen to himself and Inej already.

Jesper knew y/n was an incredible person, and it wasn’t that he didn’t think she was worthy of Kaz’s attention or romantic interest. Instead, he didn’t think Kaz was worthy of y/n’s affection. Wylan had kept Jesper from interfering with whatever was transpiring between Kaz and y/n as of late. But, that didn’t mean that Jesper didn’t see it and worry about what was going on.

As great as y/n was, Jesper knew she wasn’t the exception. He knew Kaz would never be able to offer y/n what she was looking for, what he and the other Crows knew she deserved. Nevertheless, he saw y/n’s hope lift anytime Kaz showed her any attention or consideration. Jesper tried to warn y/n not to stitch her happiness to someone like Kaz, much less to Kaz’s cold and distant heart; but she didn’t want to hear it.

In fact, even when there were warning signs that something wasn’t right, y/n’s wishful thinking took over and brushed those fears away. For example, in the last few days, she’d been getting less and less from Kaz. Y/n had heard from Inej that she was returning to Ketterdam in the next few days. She knew Kaz was aware of this as well as their group had discussed it the other night over dinner. Yet, instead of connecting the dots between Kaz’s sudden shift in attention and this simultaneously learned fact, y/n ignorantly disregarded it.

Y/n didn’t often fall this hard. In fact, she had started to move past her crush on Kaz until he began treating her as if she had a chance. By now, he’d manage to give y/n just enough attention to keep her hopes too high and block out the voices of reason in her mind. She wasn’t usually known to be foolish, otherwise she’d likely have never been part of the Dregs; much less made a Crow. But, when it came to Kaz, things were different.

No amount of reasoning voices in y/n’s mind could keep her from falling harder and harder for the Bastard of the Barrel. She didn’t need Jesper’s friendly -yet protective- warnings about the situation. Y/n’s own mind had told her all of those same sentiments already. Yet, she nonetheless found herself sinking further into her wishful thinking more every night.

“You can keep that one,” Kaz offered, his rough voice cracking through the thoughts in y/n’s mind.

“Huh?” Y/n mumbled as she tried to refocus on the present moment. “Sorry, what?” She asked, looking up from the pen. Y/n’s eyes met Kaz’s for a brief second before he looked away.

“It’s nothing special,” Kaz muttered casually. “So you can have it,” he said, waving his gloved hand dismissively.

Y/n’s heart flittered with hope at the notion. Even if he claimed it wasn’t special, y/n knew Kaz only offered her the pen because of how she’d been staring at it for so long just now. The fact Kaz was freely offering her something of his, something so new and shiny no less, made y/n’s chest feel warm.

“Oh,” y/n smiled lightly. Truthfully, she didn’t care about the pen. It had merely been where her eyes had chosen to land as she daydreamed about her situation with Kaz. But, she cherished the sentiment from Kaz. “Thank you,” y/n replied, hooking her fingers around the pen tightly.

Y/n sighed to herself as she watched the sun set. She rubbed her arms aggressively with her cold hands in an attempt to stay warm despite the chilly air. Y/n should’ve known she’d be alone tonight. She had invited Kaz to join her, hoping watching the sunset would help him decompress after their failed heist earlier today.

Kaz had agreed to meet her, but didn’t say when he’d be out. As such, y/n had been sitting out here for awhile before the sun began to set. Normally she wouldn’t have waited so long for someone to show up to an agreed upon event. But, Kaz knew how to keep her waiting. In fact, he actually said he’d come tonight. So, even as y/n watched the sun disappear behind the horizon, she told herself maybe something came up that prevented Kaz from joining her like he’d said.

When y/n made it back to the Slat, she quickly learned she was correct; something had come up. Y/n rounded the corner near Kaz’s office and heard Inej’s voice. She was back earlier than expected. Normally this would’ve made y/n happy as it had been awhile since she’d last seen her friend. Only, she could see the agonizing closeness between Inej and Kaz.

It wasn’t just a metaphorical closeness either. Kaz allowed Inej to stand mere inches from him, his gloved hand resting on Inej’s clothed arm. Y/n knew the two had been close friends, or what amounted to a close friendship for someone like Kaz. But, she couldn’t help but feel jealous as she witnessed the two sharing a look as if silently communicating something with just their eyes. As metaphorically and literally close as y/n had gotten to Kaz lately, both achievements were easily outdone by the scene before her.

Y/n went to back up, hoping to quietly flee the scene. Only, her heel smacked into the corner loudly. She winced as Inej and Kaz parted instantly and looked her way. She pasted on a fake smile as Inej grinned upon seeing her.

“Y/n, oh hey!” Inej exclaimed. She stepped away from Kaz and neared her friend, a smile gracing her lips as she did. Inej watched y/n’s eyes flicker to Kaz for a split second before looking away and then back at Inej.

Y/n hugged Inej as she acted like she was fine. It wasn’t the first time she had to seem bulletproof around Kaz. But, this time it hurt more as it involved her friend as well. She didn’t feel like she even had the right to feel this way. Y/n knew she couldn’t call Kaz hers. Yet, these last few months had her thinking one day he’d come around and that maybe, someday, when they were older, the miscommunication and longing was something they would laugh about.

Y/n ignored the way she could feel Kaz’s eyes on her as she greeted Inej with faux enthusiasm. She couldn’t wouldn’t show weakness or sorrow. She didn’t have the right to. And y/n had seemingly misunderstood the connection she felt she and Kaz were forming these last few months. So, she would act as if as if she were fine.

“We need to catch up!” Inej exclaimed, squeezing y/n’s arm lovingly. She slid her hand down until she reached y/n’s palm and then interlaced their fingers. Inej looked over her shoulder as she offered Kaz a soft smile before guiding her friend from the room.

Y/n kept a false smile painted on her lips as she silently walked with Inej. She felt bad for not being super excited to see her friend. But, she couldn’t help it. Kaz had once again given y/n just enough to keep her guessing and waiting, but not enough to know where she truly stood.

Was Kaz interested in y/n? Was he interested in Inej? Saints! Was Kaz even interested in anyone at all? Y/n didn’t know. But the voices of reason in her head kept trying to warn her that something’s really not right. Nonetheless, y/n’s foolish heart allowed her wishful thinking to cloud those warnings. Kaz simply missed Inej. Besides, Kaz and Inej had been friends much longer than Kaz even knew y/n, it made sense that they’d be closer. Surely it didn’t automatically mean anything more than that.

Or at least that’s what y/n’s foolish heart allowed her to believe. Even as she laid on Inej’s bed -the one Kaz left unoccupied even as the Dregs grew in size- listening to her friend catch her up on her adventures, y/n ignored the mention of how Kaz had written Inej multiple times during her trip. Kaz didn’t write or try to communicate with y/n when she’d been gone on a few week long trip for a personal matter. Y/n assumed it was because that just wasn’t Kaz’s thing. But now, it seemed like he was perfectly capable of doing it, he just hadn’t. At least not when it came to y/n. Y/n’s mind screamed at her that Y/n clearly wasn’t the exception to Kaz’s shutdown persona. But once again, she let her foolish heart and wishful thinking mute those voices of reason. Kaz was new to this whole romance thing, that’s likely all it was.

Y/n stuck to that notion even as she laid wide awake in her bed that night. She could faintly hear Kaz talking to Inej, their muffled voices seeping through the old floorboards of the room above hers. While she couldn’t make out what was being said, y/n could tell by her friends’ tones that they were both interested in whatever the discussion was. Y/n could tell they were both too intrigued with the conversation to even consider saying goodnight to her much less keep her company tonight. So, once again, the way she had during various times when Kaz would inexplicably shut her out again for a bit, y/n talked herself to sleep again.

Unable to fall back asleep, y/n rubbed the fatigue from her eyes and rose out of her bed. She’d woken up to yet another nightmare. They weren’t foreign to her at this point, so she knew how to handle it. As such, Y/n groggily tiptoed down to the main level in search of some water and maybe a snack.

In her exhausted and still slightly on edge state, y/n hadn’t paid attention to the fact that there were a faint amber glow showing underneath the door to the kitchen. This meant, she unexpectedly came face to face with the scene on the other side of the door upon sleepily entering the kitchen. Y/n’s eyes widened and her hands instinctively lifted up in surrender as she took note of what she’d walked in on.

Inej was standing before Kaz in a tank top, her back to him. Kaz was behind Inej, a wet washcloth in one hand and a needle in the other. Both of Kaz’s hands were uncovered; he’d removed his gloves, for Inej. The slight maroon tint staining the washcloth told y/n that Kaz was attending to a wound on Inej’s back.

Y/n quickly glanced away from her friends, her eyes dashing to the grungy floor beneath her now shaking legs. “I-I.. I’m sorry,” she mumbled bashfully.

“It’s fine y/n/n,” Inej assured her.

Y/n could hear the slight disappointment in Inej’s voice loudly in the otherwise quiet room. It confirmed for y/n that whatever she’d walked in on was as intimate as it had looked. Y/n shook her head, trying to keep her tears away. She could do this, she could act bulletproof. She’d done it countless times now, surely she could do it again now even after witnessing how Kaz had pushed through his boundaries for Inej.

It wasn’t that y/n wasn’t proud of Kaz for being able to tend to someone’s wound, especially without his gloves no less. But, it was only a few days ago when y/n had gotten hurt on their failed heist and had to be patched up by Nina when Kaz refused to even look at her wound. So, seeing he and Inej like this tonight stung y/n more than any physical wound ever had.

As y/n glanced up from the ground, she chose not to look Kaz’s way. She didn’t want to see the indifferent and likely even frustrated look she expected to be on his face at her accidental interruption. “Sorry…” y/n whispered again, giving Inej a remorseful look.

It was the same look Jesper often gave y/n wherever Kaz would give y/n just enough attention to keep her foolish heart hanging on to a thread of hope. She knew what it was like to be in Inej’s position. Theoretically that is, since Inej had only been back a day and was already in a better, more romantically intimate situation with Kaz than y/n had made it to in the last several months. Nonetheless, y/n knew what it was like to be teetering on the edge of what felt like a moment where Kaz just might actually confess his love only for something or someone to interrupt and burst that moment. So even though her heart was breaking with every second she stood there in the kitchen, she still felt for Inej. Kaz wasn’t one to offer such a confession, but he knew how to keep someone on the ropes in search of one.

“Y/n,” Kaz’s voice echoed through the empty kitchen. When y/n’s reluctant gaze landed on him, he offered her his equivalent of a sympathetic expression. “Did you need something?” Kaz asked, making a show of looking at his pocket watch.

Instead of her eyes landing on Kaz’s golden pocket watch -he one she’d gifted him-, y/n’s eyes were focused on the paleness of his bare hands. Kaz had never so much as removed his gloves around y/n unless absolutely necessary. Yet here he was, practically touching Inej with his bare hands in the dimly lit kitchen in the early hours of the morning. Y/n swallowed thickly, hoping to ease the lump in her throat as she willed her eyes away from Kaz’s hands.

“I.. I umm…” y/n mumbled, panicking more when she saw Inej’s unspoken concern as to why she was so nervous. For once, Y/n let the voices of reason in her mind guide her tonight. You are not the exception, she told herself as she steeled her facial expressions. “I had a nightmare, I just came down for some water,” she explained, adding a ridiculously stiff nod as she sidestepped her friends.

“Are you okay?” Inej asked sweetly, moving away from Kaz to check on y/n.

Y/n gripped the glass in her hand tightly to keep from showing how much her hands were shaking from what felt like betrayal. She flicked the handle on and held the glass under the faucet for a few excruciatingly long seconds. “Yes, thank you Inej,” y/n replied shortly, turning the water off. She silently took a few sips of her water as Inej and Kaz watched. “I’m fine,” y/n added, boldly braving a fleeting glance at Kaz.

Y/n gritted her teeth with annoyance as Kaz wore what almost seemed like an attempt at an apologetic expression. She shook her head wordlessly before taking a few more sips of water. Y/n was still excessively thirsty, but every second she spent in the kitchen like this with Inej and Kaz was too much. She quickly dumped the remainder of her glass down the sink and mumbled a hushed goodbye to Inej before quickly departing from the room.

Y/n threw herself onto her bed, the tears bursting through the temporary dams she’d built minutes before. She didn’t even bother wiping them from her face, instead simply letting them cascade down her skin in all directions. By the time her mind had tired enough to let her sleep, her pillow was damp. The dampness only made y/n realize just how thirsty she still was, even more so after having cried for so long. But, she refused to leave her bedroom. While she figured Inej and Kaz likely had left the kitchen by now, y/n didn’t want to risk it.

Y/n wasn’t sure how much more she could take. Inej had only been home for a little over a day now and y/n was already crying herself to sleep. Truly it wasn’t Inej’s fault. Saints, it wasn’t even Kaz’s if y/n was being honest. Jesper and the others had tried to warn y/n about this. Y/n’s own mind tried to warn her about this. But it wasn’t until tonight that she truly started to realize those thoughts might be true.

Y/n knew that Kaz wasn’t a love confession type of person. And as much as she wished for one from him, she believed she’d somewhat accepted that it would never come. In reality, she just hoped to be the exception. Or, at a minimum to get a clear sign from Kaz that he authentically felt the same way y/n did when it came to this situation between them. She was foolish enough to think that maybe, just maybe, he’d come around. But as she felt her exhausted eyes drifting closed against her damp pillow, the voices of reason in y/n’s head amplified until there were louder than they ever had been before.

Y/n rocked on her heels as she waited for Inej to answer the door. She knocked moments ago, but still hadn’t heard anything from the other side of the door. Y/n looked at the plate of waffles she managed to sneak away from Nina as they grew colder on the plate in her hands. She leaned her ear up against the door to listen carefully for any sign Inej had heard her. Only, the door creaked open from the pressure of y/n’s head resting against it.

Y/n cautiously pushed Inej’s bedroom door open the rest of the way. She quickly examined the room, promptly noting that Inej wasn’t there. Nothing seemed out of place or as if something bad had happened. So, y/n figured her friend had ventured out for an early morning walk along the rooftops of the Barrel.

Y/n sighed softly to herself as she set the plate of waffles down on the ratty desk by Inej’s window. That’s when she saw something was out of place. On Inej’s windowsill, there was… a handpicked collection of y/f/f. While it struck y/n as peculiar, the writing on the minuscule note tucked into their stems made her freeze in place.

There wasn’t any explicit confession of love for Inej on the note, but y/n would know that handwriting anywhere. She blinked through her now watery eyes as she re-read the note again. “The Crows are glad to have you back,” y/n whispered, her lip trembling. It was Kaz’s writing and the flowers and note were as much of a love confession as one could expect from Kaz.

Y/n’s cheeks dampened with tears as she hastily exited Inej’s room. She couldn’t believe it. Kaz had actually given someone flowers. He’d actually even seemingly utilized his Barrel-learned skills to sneak into someone’s room to do so.

But the worst part for y/n wasn’t any of that. It wasn’t even the indirect note Kaz had written to Inej. Although, that hurt too as y/n could easily read past his words and how he tried to cover up his own emotions. She could see the note for what it was. And Kaz had never said nor written anything of the sort to y/n.

Yet, it was the specific type of flowers Kaz chose that served as the final blow. The fact Kaz picked y/f/f to gift Inej was the kill shot, the bullet that pierced through y/n’s façade of a bulletproof heart and erupted once it made contact with her soul. After all, it was less than a full 24 hours ago when Kaz had asked y/n what the best type of flowers were.

Y/n had foolishly let herself read that inquisition as a sign. Her wishful thinking also had her momentarily believing that the fact Kaz had remembered it enough to bring it up in a later conversation with her was proof he cared enough about y/n to not just ask questions and listen to her response, but to actually memorize her answers, her likes and dislikes, her favorite things; her favorite type of flowers. If y/n was honest with herself, she’d even been foolish enough to think Kaz might one day get some y/f/f for her. In fact in her mind, y/n had foolishly seen it play out the way it seemingly had in real life to Inej; a vague note -not directly confessing Kaz’s feelings but enough to make her feel loved, her favorite flowers making her realize he cared about her interests and took time to show it -even if he tried to cover it up as to not be too vulnerable, the flowers and indirect love note left casually for her in her room unsigned and unannounced.

That’s what made it hurt so much, y/n hadn’t gotten kaz so terribly wrong. She just wasn’t the exception. Y/n hadn’t learned her lesson in time to prevent her foolish heart from shattering into an infinite number of tiny shards. She should’ve walked out a long time ago. She should’ve listened to her friends’ warnings and her own internal voice of reason. Y/n should’ve never expected anything from Kaz. She should’ve known that even though she made headway, she’d never be Inej. And she’d never get his heart.

Y/n only made it a few steps before she felt her miserable body crumpling towards the floor. She let gravity slide her down the wall just outside of her bedroom, her right shoulder grazing the corner of the doorframe. Y/N’s head dropped into her shaking hands as more tears poured from her tired eyes. “How could I not see the signs?" She sobbed quietly, her nails poking the skin on her forehead as she shook.

Y/n had been a stepping stone, a lesson, a pointless heist one uses to gauge their ability and the threats the real heist would entail, and nothing more. She wasn’t Kaz’s exception. Inej was. Inej always had been. As far back as y/n could remember, Inej was the exception. Yet somehow while Inej was away, y/n had let herself believe it was her; that maybe y/n was the exception. When in reality, Kaz had been trying to better himself for her; for Inej. Kaz’s exception was Inej; not y/n. The love confession from Kaz was never going to come. Not even in a Kaz-like manner. Not to y/n at least. Inej was the one who got Kaz, the one who he wanted by his side and maybe one day on his arm, donning his ring on her left hand. Not y/n.

Y/n had finally learned her lesson, but in the most painful way possible. Instead of walking out when she first started getting mixed signals from Kaz, she’d stuck it out. She held out thinking he was the one. Thinking she’d be the one to be able to get through to him. But she wasn’t.

Y/n learned the hard way that she wasn’t the exception, Inej was. And somehow, y/n now had to act as if her foolish heart hadn’t ever lead her astray. That she never had fallen for her friend and boss. That she never once believed her wishful thinking was anything more than that. Y/n cared deeply for Inej and so, she’d have to keep these painful lessons to herself.

Epilogue:

“Oh,” Jesper sighed heavily, sharing a knowing look with Wylan. He frowned and slid out of his boyfriend’s embrace as he slowly made his way to y/n’s broken form. Jesper slid his back down the wall to the left of y/n, resting his head in her shoulder.

Wylan gazed lovingly at Jesper for a moment before joining him and y/n. He sat on the other side of y/n, in front of her door. “Are you okay?” He asked rhetorically. It was obvious from her red eyes, tangled hair, and chapped lips that she was wanting but okay. Yet, Wylan didn’t know how else to see if she was okay talking about it without making it worse. He suspected mentioning Kaz would only drive the knife in further.

“I’m so….,” y/n whimpered, pinching the bridge of her nose. She sniffled and shook her head. “How could I not see the signs?” Y/n whined again. “I actually let myself be foolish enough to think that one day…,” she trailed off as more tears left her eyes.

Jesper sighed sympathetically, intertwining y/n’s fingers with his own. “He doesn’t deserve you,” He declared. “It’s not foolish to want someone to shout from the rooftop their feelings for you,” Jesper encouraged, “he just isn’t the one.”

“Or,” y/n’s voice cracked, “maybe I… maybe it was wishful thinking to believe I would ever earn someone’s confessions of love”. She wiped her wet face on the fabric covering her shoulder since both boys were holding one of her hands.

“The day is gonna come for your confessions of love,” Wylan encouraged with a sweet smile. “Don’t give up hope just because he wasn’t the one,” he added quietly.

Jesper smiled at Wylan and nodded in agreement. “Exactly!” He exclaimed, tenderly nudging y/n’s shoulder. “When all is said and done, he just wasn't the one,” Jesper told her.

Y/n nodded quietly. She appreciated what her friends were trying to do, but she could still feel her heart breaking. They weren’t wrong, Kaz wasn’t the one, not for her anyways. That much y/n had learned the hard way. But, it didn’t erase the pain in her chest and the self blame echoing in her mind. Hopefully time would.

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Price to Pay

Kaz Brekker x Fem!Reader

Part Two to Useful Skills

I have spent forever trying to come up with a title so settle for this very bad one. I also can't tell if I hate this or not but the plot is so fucking bad.

synposis: Kaz learns what you mean when you say your power is your weakness.

warnings: not proofread or edited, mentions of stalking/following someone, Kaz being an asshole to others but not you bc cute, Injury and talk of Pain, reader passes out, kind of generally angsty crap for a minute and then fluff

There were pros and cons to being a crow and one of the big cons was stakeouts in the freezing cold.

Kaz had ordered you and Jesper to stake out one of his chosen targets, a lawyer who had a mistress in the Lid. Mostly it meant that you and Jesper had followed him from his cushy apartment in the financial sector to a gambling den and then to his mistresses. Keeping Jesper out of the gambling den had been the hardest, but now as you trailed behind him in the barrel's bustling streets, you were cursing the cold and damp Ketterdam weather.

You and Jesper were dressed in Komedie Brute costumes, Jesper had on Mister Crimsons' cape and mask, hiding his well-known face from those in the barrel. You were covered in the Scarab Queens dress, the shimmering green catching the lights of the barrel. Although the costume was meant to keep you hidden in the crowd of faces, you couldn't help but curse it for how cold it was. Jesper didn't look to be faring much better, his hands were tucked tightly in his pockets, trying to keep them warm. You had no pockets, having to rub your hands together occasionally.

Your wrist had healed more since the incident at Hellgate, but the cold brought out a phantom pain that you were sure would never quite go away.

"Look," Jesper stopped on the sidewalk, pulling you along with him to look up at a building. Like most of the other buildings in the barrel and the Lid, the house was leaning suspiciously into its neighbour. You could almost imagine how damp it would be on the inside, with wallpaper flaking and steps creaking dangerously.

You couldn't see exactly where Jesper was pointing, "What am I looking for?"

Jesper rolled his eyes, moving your chin to make you look at the window he had in his sight.

"Oh."

Standing in the light was the lawyer you had been tailing, he was without his hat and coat, smothering a woman in robes.

"Kaz was right," Jesper mumbled, leaning back on the wall while you both watched.

"Kaz is always right," You replied, joining him against the wall. You would have to wait for a while before asking questions. It would be too suspicious to walk straight in after him.

Jesper looked you up and down, "Aren't you cold?"

You fixed him with a glare, "What do you think, Fahey?"

The sharpshooter chuckled.

"Why in Saint's name did Kaz have to give me a disguise without a coat," you grumbled, crossing your arms so you could tuck your fingers against your side for more warmth.

Jesper gave you a smirk, you knew what he was going to say before he did, "Because you look gorgeous, love."

You huffed, "I'll look less gorgeous when I'm frozen solid."

You and Jesper stayed until the crowds thinned and the lawyer made his way home for the night. You had snuck into the foyer of the building and learnt the woman's name from the mail, pinching one of the envelopes to give to Kaz. After that, there was nothing more to learn. You and Jesper had made the trek back through the barrel to the Slat. Jesper wrapped his arm around your shoulders as you wandered past the pleasure houses and dens. At this time of the night, men were drunk with pleasure and wine, boldened in their crude behaviour. They would stumble out of brothels with sickly grins and harass any woman who dared to walk alone. You quietly thanked Jesper as he held you close.

Entering the Slat, you made your way through the Dregs to where the crows were sitting. You fell into a chair next to Nina, tossing the mask onto the table and stealing a piece of her food.

Jesper joined Wylan in the booth, secretly leaching his heat off him.

"Well?"

You pulled the envelope you had stolen from your dress, ignoring the surprised looks from the rest of the Crows.

"That's where you hid it?" Jesper said as he watched you hand it over to Kaz.

You shrugged, "I didn't have pockets."

Nina grinned, knowing the struggle herself, "I do it all the time."

Matthias tried to hide how he choked on his drink, coughing dramatically. His face was turning bright red as everyone stared at him.

Kaz ignored the Fjerdan, focusing on the paper in his hand. "Did you have any trouble?"

"No," Jesper answered for you.

"Although next time I would like a disguise with a coat," You added, "My hands have never been so cold."

Kaz glanced from the paper to you for the first time, silently taking in how you were flexing your freezing fingers. He nodded once, then disappeared towards the stairwell.

The next morning you were surprised to find the Bastard of the Barrel at your door. He held a brown paper package in one hand, leaning on his cane with the other.

He handed the package to you, "For the job tonight."

"Thank you," You replied, staring down at the package slightly confused. Kaz let out a quiet hum in acknowledgement, then turned and walked away, his cane clicking as he made his way down the stairs.

Your curiosity got the better of you, and you closed the door and sat on your cot gently opening the paper. Neatly folded in the package was a pair of gloves, completely black like Kaz's. You were shocked, gently unfolding them to reveal the cuff's black embroidery.

Like your shadows.

You couldn't help the grin, slipping your fingers into the gloves and stretching your hands to feel how they reacted. They were almost perfectly fitted, just tight enough where they kept you warm but not so tight that you lost movement. You tried to keep the butterflies in you at bay; he brought me gloves.

Saints, if you couldn't keep your schoolgirl feelings at bay you'd be useless on the job.

When you climbed down the stairs to meet with the other crows, they all noticed your new gloves. It was impossible to hide anything from them.

Wylan grabbed your hand, looking at the small details, "These are new."

You rolled your eyes, pulling your hand back, "Can a girl not get new things?"

Wylan grinned, "Did you get them? Or were they a gift?"

"From a certain Mr Brekker?" Nina pressed, joining in on Wylans teasing.

"I have no idea what you idiots are talking about."

Kaz had decisively paired you with him on the upcoming job. You had frowned and asked if you were better suited to help Matthias and Nina lay the trap, but he had simply ignored the suggestion.

You tried not to be frustrated, Kaz hardly ever explained himself to anyone, why would he do so for you?

So you followed along with him willingly. He was dressed in his usual sharp clothing. The tidy waistcoat and dress pants with his usual black coat. He ordered you to dress similarly, like a wealthy woman. So you put on the nicest skirt you owned, borrowing a white blouse from Nina and pulling your coat over it all. You wore the gloves Kaz had given you, trying not to overthink about what was probably a harmless gesture.

You stood to Kaz's right, watching the shadows around the square as you waited patiently for the lawyer to fall into Kaz's well-laid trap.

Wylan and Jesper would be somewhere beyond the square, watching your back in case anything went wrong.

"Do you like the gloves?" Kaz broke the silence.

It took you off guard, "Oh, uh, yes." You flexed your hands, "Thank you."

Kaz nodded, "I had them made by a fabrikator so they would not hinder your summoning."

So that's where he had slinked off to last night.

You had to compose yourself, biting your tongue to ground yourself. Kaz Brekker was not some crushing boy giving you his favour through a gift, it was no doubt a strategic move as part of his plan. Then why did the butterflies in your stomach refuse to cease?

Get a hold of yourself.

You brushed down your skirt, pretending to be distracted by making yourself look presentable rather than looking at the boy next to you.

Another few minutes passed and the lawyer came stomping around the corner into the square. He was joined by two other men, no doubt enforcers he had paid to protect him.

"Mister Herling."

The lawyer looked torn between being afraid and irritated, "Brekker."

When you first found work in the Barrel, you were surprised that everyone seemed to know who Kaz Brekker was. After a week in the pub, you heard almost every rumour that the barrel had spun about the bastard of the barrel. The whispers that barmaids told, Dirtyhands doesn't need a reason.

Herling looked the two of you up and down, "Your muscle, Dirtyhands?"

You smiled sweetly, "Is that so hard to believe?"

The man on Herlings left chucked, his eyes lingered on your body. You shuffled your feet, trying to hold back your disgust at the man. You spared a glance at Kaz, who had noticed but chosen to ignore the man. Instead, he lifted his cane and flexed his fingers, like a silent challenge.

The lawyer waved his hand, "What business?"

"You work for Geels," Kaz stated, "I need to get a message to him."

Herling's face morphed from passive annoyance to one of outrage, "What makes you think I would do that for a barrel rat like you?"

Kaz lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug, "Everyone has a price."

"You think you can bribe me?" Herling cried, clearly insulted and angered by Kaz's comment. "Respectable men do not take bribes."

"Good thing there are no respectable men here."

You held back a laugh, this was not the time to appreciate Kaz's dry humour.

Herling let out a noise, halfway between a growl and a huff. "You are a special kind of messed up, boy."

Kaz didn't seem at all phased, he calmly explained what he meant by 'price'. The women you and Jesper had learnt about last night, proof that Herling was not a respectable man and had something to offer unless he wanted his wife to know.

"I don't know who that is," Herling hissed, but he couldn't hide his panic.

Kaz stretched his fingers that held his cane, the leather of his gloves flexing with his fingers.

"The thing about the Lid," Kaz spoke, "Is that no one cares if people disappear. This is Ketterdam, after all, space is valuable."

Herling put it together, he stepped forward and raised his fist, "If you lay a hand-"

Kaz smacked his hand away with his cane, Herling recoiled, stepping back and cradling his hand like a child.

"Stop making empty threats, Herling, and start making deals."

Kaz struck a deal with the man and you both waited for him and his men to leave before turning and walking out of the square. As you both exited under the arch, Wylan and Jesper fell into step beside you.

"You think he'll follow through?" Wylan asked, his hands clutching the straps on his satchel.

Kaz didn't have to explain himself, "Yes."

As the four of you picked your way through the streets back towards the slat, you started to become aware of something moving in the shadows. You were so focused on the movements, you didn't even realize Nina and Matthias had joined your group.

Finally, you couldn't stand the feeling of being watched anymore. You stopped, turning around to search the street for the two figures you knew were around.

"Y/N?" Nina asked, standing next to you.

The others stopped a few steps ahead, frowning at you.

"Someone's out there," You said quietly to Nina. The heartrender reached out, searching for heartbeats to verify your feeling.

She frowned, turning back to the others, "Y/N's right."

Kaz joined you both, looking out over the silent streets. Kaz didn't have to say anything, two men came slinking out of the shadows to face him.

They were the same two men the lawyer had at his side, but now their sleeves were rolled up, guns in hand. You realized they weren't just paid goons, they were black tips.

"You don't know when to back off, Brekker," One of them hissed.

Kaz looked indifferent, "I could say the same for your boss."

One of the men cocked his pistol, pointing it at Nina, "Move your hands and you die, witch."

Nina rolled her eyes, holding her hands up dramatically.

Two more men drew out of the shadows to join the other Black Tips. They too held up guns.

One of them held his gun trained on Jesper and for good reason. Jesper would be able to get you all out of this with a spin of his pistols, with a gun trained on him he couldn't help anyone.

"No getting out of this."

You spared a glance at Nina, who stared back at you with a silent response. Don't do it.

You knew you shouldn't, Kaz would be able to get you out of this. He was at your side, so you turned to him. He had his scheming face, trying to put together a plan.

"Stadwatch?" You whispered.

"Probably paid off," Kaz replied.

You looked back to the four men, who were arguing over who would get to drag Kaz to the boss.

"Y/N," Kaz saw straight through you, "Don't."

You didn't have a choice, Kaz knew that.

Without dwelling on it too much, you reached out. You could feel the shadows bending to your will, they pulled towards you, amassing around your feet and climbing towards your hands. You drew your hands up in a loose arc when your hands were almost touching, and the shadows formed a loose line. The four men looked up, shocked silent at the view in front of them.

You raised one of your hands, then threw it down in a fast slash. Your shadows formed into a shape blade, reaching out and cutting all four men down. Although not the first time using the cut, it felt the same. A rush of exhilarating power, like nothing could stand in your way. Then there was the crushing pain like your body was trying to repel your powers. The feeling was always there after summoning, but it was mostly bearable, a sharp pain behind your eyes or a dull ache between your shoulders. The cut always took the most out of you, your mother had called it unnatural, merzost. No Grisha was supposed to have such power.

You watched the men's bodies fall, split cleanly in two. Then the pain was too much, you fell to your knees, gasping for breath.

Nina and Wylan were at your side instantly, Nina quietly reminding you to breathe as she held your hand tightly. She was paying close attention to your heart rate, it was beating so fast she could only wait for you to pass out. She pulled you close when you lost consciousness, your body going limp on the damp cobblestones.

You were in and out of consciousness the whole walk back to the slat. Jesper and Matthias were holding you up, trying to make it look less suspicious than it would if they had you strawn over their shoulder. You could hardly keep your feet moving, Jesper and Matthias were mostly holding you up.

When you finally got back to the slat, Jesper dragged you to your room, a tiny sliver of space on the third floor. He lowered you to the bed, dropping you less than gently.

You were still consumed with pain, not sure of what was going on, "Thanks, babe." You muttered.

Jesper laughed, "You are very welcome, love."

Jesper left the room, letting Nina take his place at your side.

"Tell me what I can do to help," She pleaded, pained by seeing you in such a state.

"Nothing, Nina," You replied, letting out a sigh.

"Are you sure?" She tried again, gently brushing the hair off your feverish forehead.

"I'll be fine, Nina," You replied, "I just need to sleep it off."

Nina nodded, knowing she wouldn't be able to get much more from you. She stood and quietly left the room, passing Kaz in the hall.

Kaz lingered for a moment before stepping into the room. You could feel his presence, not bothering to open your eyes to see him.

"Boss."

When Kaz didn't reply you opened your eyes, looking at his face. He looked almost concerned, you wondered if you had imagined it in your state because as soon as you made eye contact the look was gone.

"You said that your abilities were your weakness," Kaz said after a long pause.

"And now you see why."

Another long pause.

Kaz nodded once, "Thank you."

You might have appreciated those words more if you hadn't been half asleep. Kaz never said thank you.

"Don't thank me," You said, "I need to be gone by this time tomorrow."

It didn't take a genius to see four bodies cut in half and know what it meant. Only one summoner could use the cut and by exposing yourself tonight you had no chance but to run.

"You don't have to," Kaz spoke so quietly you almost didn't hear him, "You could stay."

"If I stay," You replied, closing your eyes and covering your face with your arm, "I will be hunted, killed."

You could hear Kaz move, the click on his cane. He had stepped closer. "I won't let that happen."

The rational part of you knew that Kaz would be powerless to stop however came after you. But you were exhausted and slightly delirious, so the only thought that passed through your mind was, he wants to protect me.

"I guess I can stay," You drawled, finally losing the fight to unconsciousness.

The next morning when you woke up you were tucked under a blanket, your boots by the end of your bed and the gloves Kaz had given you folded neatly on the bedside table. You had the same butterflies, but this time it felt more real. You weren't imagining things, at least you had hoped you weren't. Surely that hadn't been some kind of terrible dream.

You needed to be sure, forcing your tired body to rise from the bed and slip on your shoes. You hesitated at the door, knowing climbing upstairs to Kaz's room in the attic would be gruelling. You forced yourself to do so anyway, taking the stairs slowly. When you reached the top, you felt lightheaded, your body betraying you after last night's show of power.

You knocked once on Kaz's door, entering after he allowed it. When you stepped in you had to reach for something to hold on to, your head swimming.

"You should be resting," Kaz spoke, watching you hold yourself up on the metal bedframe. He could see how pale you looked, your face was full of colour not long ago. He thought briefly about how he wished to see you back to yourself again. Then he was shutting that thought out of his mind.

"What you said last night-" You ignored Kaz's order, trying to stand a little taller and feign strength. Kaz could see through the cracks easily.

"Was the truth." Kaz stood, leaning on his cane as he got a little closer to you, worried that you might just keel over, "I won't let anyone hurt you."

Relief crashed over you, washing away some of the panic that had clouded your mind.

You and Kaz held each other's gaze for a while longer, content in the silent company of one another.

You knew you should rest, your body was screaming to sit or lie down. It would only follow your orders for so long. But you weren't sure you would make it down the stairs without falling, which would definitely make the pain in your head worse.

Kaz seemed to come to the same realization. He gently grabbed your arm, holding tight to your bicep to lead you to the side of his bed. He helped you sit, then returned to his spot at his desk. There was something unspoken, Kaz didn't have to tell you to stay because you could see the question in his eyes. You let out a small sigh, nodding and deciding to lie on Kaz's bed.

Kaz clearly didn't mind, his attention returning to his papers. You watched him work, taking in how his eyebrows furrowed as he read over reports and expenses. You hadn't realized until now that he wasn't wearing his gloves. His slender fingers flipped through the paper like a dealer would cards.

His hands are stained with blood.

What a ridiculous rumour to believe, you thought. Sitting at his desk before the morning light, he looked like any other businessman. An honest man with no worries about the harshness of this world. You didn't much care for honest men, because there were hardly any. You had done terrible things in your lifetime, last night had not been the first time you had killed and without a doubt, it would not be your last. You did not deserve an honest man. With the powers you held, no one could be fully trusted. You had known that your whole life.

But lying on Kaz's bed, watching him work, you were struck by something much scarier than starting to trust him. You were starting to feel safe.

taglist

@unicornfairytail @winstonthecow22 @mxtokko @lonelywitchv2 @kazbrekkers-gloves @intoanothermind @dontstopxx @beautifulbows924 @lu123sworld @slutforcoffein @u-wakatoshii @yujyujj @swhispererr @khaleesihavilliard @nyctophiliiiiaaa @thedelusionreaderbitch @adorawritesalot

[crowsnqueens]

Bibliophile; Pt. ii

Kaz Brekker x Bibliophile!wife!reader

Summary: After Jesper watches a display of affection between his boss and his co-crow (hehe) he talks to Nina about it, eventually involving Inej and the heartrender in an investigation

a/n: this part of the storyline takes inspo from @undiscovered-horizon’s fic “Four Crow Investigation” which you can find here! i rlly recommend their stuff you should check them out!

Warnings: Mostly the same stuff as last time, you will need to read pt. i so go check her out first, Kaz is less angsty bc he’s married blah blah blah, (i’m just going to copy and paste the ones from pt. i tbh lmao) Kaz can tolerate reader’s touch, mentions of alcohol and drinking it, fluff for DAYS, reader uses she/her pronouns and is described as female, marriage??, the crows are about 22 in this (which is what i imagine to be in the show), OOC Kaz (i tried y’all)

Pt. i !!!

“I’m telling you, Nina! He kissed her forehead! There’s something going on here.” Jesper’s hands flailed about wildly as he expressed his concern to the girl across from him.

“I don’t doubt you, Jes. We just need to go about this carefully. Tell Inej.” The heartrender sipped her tea and waved the boy to go find their friend.

~

“Oh, I’ve known. I just can’t tell whether they’re just dating or married, it’s hard when they go about it so delicately. It’s really sweet, actually.” A soft smile lit the Suli girl’s face.

“Argh! I need to know! The anticipation is killer, I need to tell more people about this. Wylan!” The Zemini boy sauntered out of the room shouting.

“Saints, Jesper, carefully also means quietly! They’ll know we know if they hear us shouting.” Nina cautioned him.

“Who’ll know you know?” Y/n entered the kitchen gracefully and quietly. Even Inej was slightly taken aback. “What do you know that’s so secret? Can I have some of this Nina?” She gestured to the tea pot.

“Sure! And nothing too important, just the usual barrel gossip.” The Corporalnik laughed cooly as Y/n began to ascend the stairs.

“Alright. See you guys.” She giggled and waved to her three friends.

“That was too close.”

Inej and Jesper nodded together, all eyes falling on the boy.

“Stop yelling about top secret information, idiot.” Nina whispered.

~

“They know, Kaz” Y/n entered his office and sat in the chair opposite himself.

“About us together or our marriage?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Probably just us together, but I wouldn’t put it past Inej to know. We should just tell them, love.”

“How do we tell without telling?” Kaz questioned his wife as she used her best impression of his famous scheming face.

“I have an idea.” She smiled

“Do you know?” The boy smirked back at her, ready to listen.

~

“Oh, Demjin left some papers out.” Matthias walked past the kitchen table with a buttered piece of toast in hand, eyes rolling and head shaking.

“What do they say?” Jesper rushed the table with vigor and looked through some of them.

“Nina, they’re married! For three years! They’ve been wed since they were nineteen! Their marriage certificate is right here! Can you believe it?!”

“I really can’t.” Y/n’s voice carried from the bottom of the stairs to Jesper’s ears as he whipped around and pursed his lips.

“Morning, Y/n.” the boy waved a little and scrambled to the couch to attempt to disappear.

“Mrs. Brekker. Thats her official title, anyway.” Kaz waltzed in and placed a kiss to his wife’s cheek and continued to his arm chair in their living area.

Nina ran a hand over her face and gave the sharpshooter a look.

“Good going, Jes.”

The group laughed, Y/n sat on the arm of Kaz’s chair and linked their pinkies.

“Tell us everything. How did he propose?” Wylan leaned toward the two.

“Well, we were on a job…”

[agent-tempest]

My favorite fanfics!

Loki Friggason [Marvel]

Dancing in the dark (with you between my arms) by @holymultiplefandomsbatman [Fluff]

Paper rings by @cherryrogers [Pure fluff]

Back in your arms by @sarahscribbles [starts angsty but happiest fluffiest ending]

Remus Lupin [Marauders Era]

I don't want them. I want you by @theemporium [Fluff, Marriage, Drunk!Remus]

You are in love by @starstruckmoony [fluff]

Red by @jamespottersdaisy [Banter, fluff]

Gold Rush by @jamespottersdaisy [pure fluff]

Hiccups and hijinks by @dreaminginpastels [Plus-size!Reader, fluff, mutual pining, mentions of insecurity and self-doubt]

Jealous Prof!Reader by @turvi [Fluff, wife!Reader]

Let me help by @jamespottersdaisy [bad mental health, eating disorder?, angst]

Remus saying "I love you" to the for the first time by @theemporium [xReader, pure fluff]

Remus taking care of Drunk!Reader by @theemporium [Potter!Reader, Drunk!Reader, Soft Remus]

Remus being soft only with reader near fullmoons by @lizard-onawindowpane [Pure fluff]

Calm after the storm by @earthgirl616 [enemies to lovers, swearing, kissing, mention of blood and wounds]

Pinky Promise by @jamespottersdaisy [Pre and Post Moon!Remus, Remus and reader have a fight]

Our Band Part 1 Part 2 by @wzrd-wheezes [Marauders Band AU, Barista!Reader]

Kaz Brekker [Grishaverse]

Deadly fever by @webslinger-holland [mentions of severe illness, mentions of traumatic childhood, mentions of needles and bloodletting]

Book Club by @rainydaymiscellaneous [fluff, Kaz is in love]

There was this boy... by @mcntsee [Fluff]

Schon by @mcntsee [Kinda ooc Kaz, kaz is ok with y/n’s touch. Stabbing, blood, killing]

Peter Parker [TASM]

Worth Saving by @fettuccin-e [Hurt/Comfort]

Sirius Black [Marauders Era]

I think he knows by @theemporium [potter!reader, fluff, James being a Mood]

Words that slip through by @padfootagain [Fluff, tiny bit of Angst(?)]

For your family by @padfootagain [Fluff, Arrange marriage trope, Soulmate au]

Forced by @sirisuorionblack [Fluff, Arrange Marriage trope, toxic household]

Sirius wants a hug, but doesn't know how to ask by @gtgbabie0 [Fluff, touchstarved Sirius]

Everything has changed by @once-upon-an-imagine [Fluff, Lupin!Reader, Jilly Wedding]

Sirius being jealous of a cat by @theemporium [fluff, jealous!Sirius and *in steve's voice* Language]

A cozy rainy night with Sirius by @theemporium [pure fluff]

James Potter [Marauders era]

Stop flirting with the nurse, it's embarrassing by @perpetuallydaydreaming [Fluff, Siri & Pete being melodramatic]

First Impressions by @jackie5656 [Fluff, Descriptions of assault and attempted assault]

Just to Kiss by @chrryhrt [Frat!James x Reader, Idiots to lovers, friends to lovers, small mention of alcohol]

Regulus Black [Marauders era]

Coward by @sirisuorionblack [Hurt/comfort, Arrange marriage trope, acedemic rivals]

Moon Boys [Moon Knight, Marvel]

Jake Lockley- Cucumber face mask and fist of vengeance by @wysteria-clad [Fluff]

Jack Lockley- dlz by @ichorai [Angst, mild fluff, marriage au]

Marc, Steven and Jake- Clumsy by @marvelsswansong [fluff]

Marc, Steven and Jake- Secret Identities Part 1 Part 2 by @bensolosbluesaber [Fluff, reader is an Avenger]

Benedict Bridgerton [Bridgerton]

Matchmakers by @siempre-bucky [fluff]

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Second son by @fayes-fics

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July 19th by @frostandflamesfanfic [Fluff, Strange being a dad to America]

[kaylasficrecs]

kaz brekker recs - part 2

bruises and scars | one shot, flangst | @kasagia

his love language | one shot, fluff (some angst) | @moonstruck-poet

life could be a dream | au, imagine, fluff | @thekingdomsfiles

nothing more, nothing less | imagine, fluff | @byeol-ssi

burden | imagine, flangst | @theonewithbrooklyn99

four crows investigation | two shot, fluff | @undiscovered-horizon

i don't understand you | imagine, fluff | @lady-ashfade

blue | imagine, fluff | @maliciousbrekker

kaz x chronically ill!reader | headcanon, fluff | @ashessonfire

magic on a canvas | imagine, fluff | @bey0nd-1he-stars

schön | imagine, flangst | @mcntsee

sunrise | imagine, fluff | @ashessonfire

dirtyhands and his songbird | imagine, fluff | @mysoftboybensolo

flowers | one shot, fluff | @violetrainbow412-blog

domestication | imagine, fluff | @amsgrey

three moments | imagine, flangst | @redamancyys

lovey-dovey | one shot, fluff | @mcntsee

passing the baton | imagine, fluff | @raz-writes-the-thing

my reason | imagine, flangst | @parkersbliss

dense | imagine, fluff | @reve-writes

diamonds | imagine, fluff | @parkersbliss

tough | imagine, fluff | @parkersbliss

what do you want from me? | imagine, flangst | @rubysunnday (tw)

dark days | imagine, angsty flangst | @rubysunnday

[sophierequests]

looking out for you // fingers crossed part two

Navigation┃Main Masterlist┃Requests

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x f!Reader

A/N: Quite a few of you guys wanted a part two, so here it is! I'm so glad that you liked this fic so much, because I am a sucker for angsty writing. Some of you even wanted to be tagged, so the question is, if you'd like me to establish a tag list? Where I'd just tag you whenever I post a fic about this certain character? I'd love to do that, you just have to comment, and I'll do it!

You can find part one here!

Summary: Kaz goes to confront the reader about hiding their wound, but it does not go as planned, leading to a fight and also confessions that were regretted immediately after.

Genre: Angst, Comfort

Word Count: 2.5K (how the hell did I write that much again???)

Warnings: A bit angsty, feelings, mention of past injury and pain, slight callback to a previous panic attack, if you squint and a lot of profanities

You didn’t wake up for almost one whole week. And when you did, you had one of the worst headaches imaginable. Even though you weren’t back in action yet, you still felt a lot better.

Jesper was more than relieved to see you fully awake, sitting upright and smiling at him. Kaz, however, didn’t come to see you when you first woke up. Which didn’t surprise you, but left you with a sinking feeling of disappointment.

“Oh, I’m so dead.” Jesper sighed, throwing himself next to you on the bed, before giving you your dinner. You turned your head to smile at him sheepishly, taking the dinner gratefully.

“Why now, Jes? If Kaz wanted to actually kill you, he would have done it by now.”

“Isn’t that just fucking comforting, love.” he said, whilst chewing his own food.

 “You can be glad that Wylan loves you because I think I saw a glint of murder in his eyes after I told him what happened. I’m pretty sure his wrath would’ve been worse.” you joked, nudging the sharpshooter's arm with a grin.

“Ha ha ha, very funny, Y/N.” Jesper mocked, “You have no clue how mad he was after that. He almost forced me to sleep downstairs!”

The both of you laughed, enjoying the time without any distress or missions thoroughly.

“How’s Kaz?” you asked, immediately regretting it after seeing Jesper’s facial expression.

“Ugh, if I would only know. This man is starting to become a ticking time bomb.” he said, toying with his rings nervously, “I don’t think he’s sleeping. At least not really well. And I think he’s only really talking to Inej. I haven’t heard him say a word, since he called me to help Nina fix you up. I don’t think you’re allowed to almost die again anytime soon, or he’ll go completely mad.”

“I’ll try my best.” you chuckled, however, the weight of his words still heavy on your shoulders, “Do you think he’s mad at me?”

“What? Are you being serious right now? Please don’t tell me that you care about what Kaz I-can’t-express-my-feelings-properly Brekker thinks about you. Love, he’s not mad at you, why would you think that? You’re probably one of the few people on this team, that he could never be mad at.” he told you reassuringly.

You snorted.

“You should’ve seen the look on his face when he went into my room that night. If I wouldn’t be one of his valuable investments, he would’ve killed me on the spot. I think you think a bit too highly of his opinion of me. I could’ve finished the mission on my own. But no, he needed you to join me, because I am not allowed to go on these missions alone. He thinks I’m not useful on these sorts of missions, and it is driving me insane. He’d never send you to go on a mission with Inej!” 

“Oh Y/N, you are one of the smartest people I know, but during times like these, you can be so bloody dense.”

“Hey!” you snorted, giving him a slight jab in the ribs.

“I’m being serious. Have you ever thought about the fact, that he might care about you? I’ve known him for quite a while now, and he never acted like that with any of the Dregs. We all have the sneaking suspicion that our dearest boss might have a little crus-”

“Don’t finish that sentence, or I won’t be able to look him in the eyes anymore.”

“Why? Scared of someone actually returning your feelings?”

“Shut up!” you chuckled, slumping against the headboard and closing your eyes, the half-eaten dinner sitting on your nightstand was already forgotten.

“I don’t get what you see in him anyway. You’re way too good for him.” Jesper commented.

“I know. But so are you.”

“Aww, you’re so sweet.” he grinned, leaning his head on your shoulder.

He was right, of course, your crush on Kaz Brekker had been one of the most embarrassing gossip topics that the Crows could bring up. It was just such a bizarre thing to everyone. You were lovely and kind, never failing to comfort the team members if they needed it. And Kaz, well, Kaz was Kaz. You always told yourself that you were friends and that he wanted nothing more than that from you. But hearing it out loud, that he might have a crush on you too, gave you a complicated arrangement of feelings.

“Love, as much as I enjoy our little talks, I should get going. Because my boyfriend should already be waiting for me downstairs. We planned on going to the market, want something?”

You shook your head, waving him off with a smile.

The silence that Jesper had left you with didn’t stay too long. As soon as you closed your eyes, you heard the faint clicking of a cane doming from the corridor. Internally, you prayed that he would just walk right past your room, but if the Saints were actually real, they didn’t seem to like that idea.

Before you could think about what to do next, the handle turned and Kaz slipped inside the room.

“No knocking this time?” you asked, a soft smile on your lips.

The man let out a huff, and you knew that you were in for a lecture.

“What were you thinking? Hiding a gunshot wound? That could have got you killed. No, it should’ve killed you. You were more than lucky that Nina was here. If she hadn't been here, you would be dead by now! And Jesper lying right into my face will also be something I’ll have to keep in the back of my mind from now on.”

“Jesper lied because I told him too. I really didn’t need you to give us another talk on team safety.”

“Oh, so you probably also told him to shoot you then?” he snarled, visibly aggravated. 

“You can be such an ass sometimes, do you know that? Jesper didn’t mean to shoot me. It was my fault. I didn’t assess the situation properly and got hit. That’s it. He couldn’t have done anything to stop it.” you retorted, getting angrier and angrier, “And you know if you only came here to yell at me, I’d like you to leave, Kaz. I get that you’re angry, but that gives you absolutely no right to be such a bloody prick.”

“I’m not leaving. What you did was stupid and reckless, and I have every right to hold you accountable for that.”

“You have no right to anything, Brekker. This is the first time you visit me since that night you checked on me, and without showing the slightest bit of concern, you just start lecturing me? This is the last thing I need right now. You are the last thing I need right now.”

He tried to hide the way his face cringed, after hearing that statement, but this feeling was soon replaced as he saw you flinching, whilst trying to straighten your position. Nina helped you as best as she could, but the pain would stick around for a while.

Without a second thought, he moved towards your bed, handing you one of the vials, filled with a disgustingly sweet liquid to ease the pain.

“Here.” he said, his voice now way more regulated than before.

You sighed, taking it from his hand and downing it in one go.

“Are you going to do something else, other than just standing there like a lost dog?” you asked, patting the empty spot next to you as a sort of pathetic peace offer.

With a glint of hesitation in his eyes, he sat down next to you, avoiding eye contact as best as he could.

“Why did you try to hide it? I don’t understand.” he said again, but now in a much softer tone.

“You said it yourself. A hurt crow is of no use.” you huffed, closing your eyes, “I just didn’t want to bother you with that. You said it was important that you got to take a look at the blueprints as soon as we were back, so I thought it would be best to follow that.”

Kaz stared back at you, a conflicted expression painted on his face.

“I haven’t looked at the blueprints yet.” he confessed, “I only wanted you to bring them to me, to make sure that you were safe. I knew that it would be of risk to go into Pekka’s territory. I needed to actually see that nothing happened to you.”

“You already sent me a babysitter for that, though.” you snorted.

“He was just a backup safety measure.”

“Why do you trust me so little? I could’ve done the mission on my own and I would have been completely fine.”

“Y/N…”

“No, Kaz, you asked me to tell the truth, and now it’s your turn.”

“I do trust you. More than you probably know.” Kaz admitted, running a gloved hand through his messy hair, only now you realized that he looked like he hadn’t slept properly in the last few days, “When Jesper brought me the blueprints that day, I was more than worried. You wouldn’t make Jesper finish miniscule things like that.”

He paused, pondering on what to say next.

“We fought, Jesper and I. He told me things I didn’t like to hear. That’s why I only checked on you after he was gone. I should’ve just swallowed my pride.”

“What did he say to you, Kaz?” you asked, slightly confused by where this was supposed to go.

“He told me that I was just a boy too scared of his own feelings. And…”

“And?” 

“And he’s right. The reason why I always send Jesper with you on these missions is because I can’t stand seeing you hurt. I care for you. In a different way than I care for Inej, Jesper or any other team member. I just never though that this would influence my judgement this much.”

This confession left you speechless. Coming from Kaz this was basically a love confession. No, it definitely was a love confession.

“Why didn’t you come to see me earlier? I’ve been awake for a few days now. I genuinely thought you were mad at me.” you inquired, testing the waters slowly, “I mean, I don’t know how out of it I would’ve been, but still.” 

“I was mad. Not at you, but at myself. Nothing of that should’ve happened, I should’ve known better.” he rolled his head back to stare at the ceiling, his hands now only a few inches away from your legs, “I did come to visit you. When you were still unconscious. Nina said that you were going to be fine, but you didn’t look fine. Well, not what I understand under the word fine.”

An awkward silence settled between the two of you until Kaz groaned, moving to get up.

“I’m sorry, this was more than ill-fitting of me Y/N. I shouldn’t have said that. You shouldn’t have to be aware of these kinds of one-sided feelings. I’m sorry.”

Before he could stand up, you lunched forward, clutching his sleeve tightly.

“Wait, what if I told you that I may or may not feel the same?” you stammered, realizing that you were still holding onto his shirt, only a little bit away from accidentally touching his skin.

His expression turned from a look of irritation, and he pulled his sleeve out of your grasp.

“No.” he replied in a stern voice

“What? What do you mean no? You can’t just tell me about your feelings and then deny mine!” you answered, now standing, or rather sitting, completely helpless against his words.

“I could never give you what you want. You know that.” he shot back, now meeting your gaze harshly.

“What do I want, Kaz? Tell me?” 

“Someone that doesn’t have to retch when you touch them. Someone that can actually show you affection. Someone you can kiss. Not me.” 

“I don’t need all that. There’s more to love than just that.” the mention of the word love made Kaz shudder, since none of you said it out loud up until now, “I enjoy your company and the conversations we share. I enjoy you. The rest really doesn’t matter. You’re not a lost cause.” 

He turned around, his back now facing you, his hands wiping over his face anxiously. For a moment, he just stood there, not saying anything. Then he walked over to the door, his hand resting on the handle. This made your stomach drop. You really thought that things could work out between the two of you.

However, something inside him stopped him from turning the handle and leaving. The moment felt like a déjà vu, him turning to run off to his office like a kicked dog and her just helplessly sitting on her bed. He thought about the following hours, Inej telling him that she was alive and him thanking every supernatural force for granting him another chance. This was it. And what was he doing? Running away again. 

No, not this time.

Meanwhile, there were tears building up in the corners of your eyes. You didn’t know what to do, and even though the hurt was possessing every inch of you, you wouldn’t run after him this time.

“I can’t and won’t promise you anything.” his voice broke the silence, causing you to look up at him, “But if that is what you want, I’d be willing to try.” 

You felt like someone just waterboarded you, just to pull you out right after.

“What?” you stuttered.

Kaz crossed the room again to get back to your bed, sitting a bit closer to you than before. After taking a deep breath, he set one of his gloved hands on yours, eyeing you carefully.

“I can’t promise you any sort of physical affection. To be frank, I’ll have to get used to any sort of affection, too. But I’d like us to try, Y/N.” he repeated slowly.

You nodded hastily, the weight of his words hitting you like a freight train. He wanted to try. That was more than enough for you. Tears were still running down your cheeks, just for a different reason now.

“I’d like us to try, too.” you answered softly, seeing the hint of a smile form on his face.

“Good, it’s settled then.” Kaz added smugly, now genuinely smiling, “And please stop crying, love. Don’t waste your tears on things like that.”

Much to your surprise, he didn’t wait for you to do it on your own, but moved his hands to cup your cheeks, wiping the tears away with his thumbs.

Before any of you could say anything else, the door opened suddenly, Jesper and Nina walking in to your room without any announcement. They took in the scene, you, sitting next to a startled Kaz, leftover tears still gliding down your cheeks. 

“You made her fucking cry, Brekker?” Nina shrieked, her expression changing into one of annoyance.

“It’s not how it looks like!” the both of you tried to clarify in unison. 

None of you knew where this would take you from there on, but both of you wanted to try. And at least for you, that was the only thing that mattered.

Taglist:

@b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @kitty084

Thank you so much for the positive feedback, I really do appreciate every comment and request I get <3 If you want to be added to a taglist, just tell me in the comments!

[unrequitedloveletter]

Louder than Words- Kaz Brekker

Okay, hi! This one was requested by @ell0ra-br3kk3r​ about a week and a half or so ago? My notifications say it’s been about two weeks since we discussed it, and El, I promise I didn’t forget about the discussion! I just got sidetracked with editing a few fics I’m getting ready to post on ao3 and that took up a lot of my free time. 

On another note, though, this one is inspired by Louder Than Words sung by the cast of Tick, Tick, Boom! I was going to do a songfic but then I couldn’t make it work in my head, so the result instead is a fic very heavily inspired by the hopeful and cheery-ish vibes I got from the melody with a few allusions to the lyrics! El, if you want me to rewrite it and try to write a song fic, please let me know and I’ll do my best!

Fic type- this one is fluff with an angsty element or two?

Warnings-mentions of cages in relation to birds being trapped in them

Kaz often felt like his life was an amalgamation, of sorts. An amalgamation of every result to every decision he’d ever made. The reckless, the less than reckless, the smart and the ones that made people terrified. 

He hadn’t regretted a moment of any of it, though. The Ice Court, fighting against Jan Van Eck, watching as he was arrested, doomed to spend the rest of his days in Hellgate. 

Fighting against Per Haskell, forsaking him and watching as everyone else in the Dregs did the same, forcing Haskell out of the gang he once took so much pride in, crediting himself as the one who’d done the work, when all of it had fallen on Kaz’s back.

In the days, the weeks, and the months after everything surrounding the Ice Court had been said and done, Kaz often found himself feeling like a bird freed from a cage, allowed to take flight once more. There was no more running things by Haskell, losing out on money to make sure that the old man got what he thought to be the keep he’d earned. 

Kaz was almost grinning as he walked into the Crow Club and caught sight of you as you finished your shift behind the bar. 

“Chipper today?” You asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen get close to smiling as you are right now.” 

Kaz shrugged. “It’s just a bit of a good mood, is all,” he said. “Things always get that way this time of year. I tend to get a bit more optimistic with the cold.”

“Ah, is it the weather at last matching the image of your heart that makes it melt? How inopportune I imagine it must be to have a heart that melts with the drop in the temperature.” 

But Kaz’s words had been only half true. He’d been feeling lighter, truly. Some part of him worried less as the business grew, as the Dregs continued to expand and grow, reaching into even the corners of the city farthest from the Barrel. He was leaving a mark, leaving a legacy behind. 

It’d made him worry less, though he was still as analytical as he’d once been, still as much of an overthinker and, perhaps driven by greed more so than he’d been before the heist, but it just seemed that that day was destined to be decent, a day wherein he could just drink coffee, review plans. 

It was a day full of inaction, a day wherein you picked up a shift at the bar and helped Kaz make sure nobody was doing anything stupid, one of the few days without much to do, and it was one you both cherished.

“You’re lucky I tolerate your company.”

You laughed, and Kaz ignored the way that it made him feel--terrified, helplessly in love, like the luckiest man on the earth--and ordered a whiskey. 

“I love you too, Brekker,” you said. “Joining me for the last ten minutes?” 

“We’re to meet with Jesper and Wylan after your shift is done. I was coming around to notify you, but the whiskey and your company are just added bonuses.” 

You scoffed, shaking your head as you poured a shot of kvas, sliding it across the bar counter to the customer who waited.

Kaz took a sip of his whiskey, confirming it internally. He regretted nothing from the day he’d agreed to the Ice Court job and forth from there. Least of all you. 

He was a bird freed from a cage, allowed to fly once more, blazing a new trail rather than walking the path he’d walked whilst under Haskells employment. 

[astressedwriter]

Trying// Sneak Peak

“Inej!” Jesper called, making everyone turn their attention to her, “You look as beautiful as ever!” A smile tugged at her lips, but something interrupted her before she could respond,

“I wish I could say the same about you.” A voice said smoothly. And that’s when she heard it, the tapping of his cane as he stepped out of the shadows.

Inej’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t look any different. He wore the same suit, carried the same cane and had the same haircut. But his hands were bare. She saw the familiar scar running through his top lip, the little white line above his eyebrow, and the one running along his jawline. It was him.

“Kaz.” Her voice was soft, and was laced with shock. He turned slightly to face her, and his eyes studied the new scars on her own face. She could tell the second he spotted the one on her collar bone, a particularly nasty one, because his hands tightened around his cane. And finally, his eyes met hers. You’re okay, his eyes seemed to say. I am, she responded. His posture relaxed slightly, and she swore there was a ghost of a smile on his face.

“Hello, Inej.”

[yesimwriting]

The Promise of Rain

A/n finally writing that Kaz Brekker x reader angsty-fluff where the reader is all sunshine-y and Kaz is dramatic as always lol 

Might make this a blurb series bc i like this dynamic so much lol

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x sunshine-y reader 

Summary: After a mission gone wrong, Kaz has a conversation with the reader (who’s a runaway princess) about what happens to people who stay near him. 

-- 

He once said that he didn’t believe in Saints. A moment later he conceded that perhaps they existed in order to appease Inej, but he was quick to tact on that if Saints existed they didn’t care about him. Inej and I had exchanged a look, she pleaded with me in silence to let him be. I opened my mouth despite the look in her eyes, but he had walked away before I could get any words out. 

He believes that the Saints don’t care about him, but as soon as he was dragged in by Jesper, bleeding and more broken than usual, it had started to rain. The rain is a promise. The rain is a sign that he will wake up. 

I tap a finger against the forgotten book on my lap, ignoring the dried blood I’ve been too anxious to wash off. When Kaz wakes up he’ll either scold me or partially tease me for waiting here by his bedside. The rain continues, cascading down invisible hope. 

“Save your prayers, even for you the Saints won’t regard me.” Kaz. His voice is raspier than it should be and his slight condescension is blighted by the tired flatness of it. But it’s him. He’s speaking. 

I tear my gaze away from the window, almost forgetting to tamper down my relief before finally looking at him. I haven’t known him long enough to see him in any level of defeat, but I’ve heard enough stories. The fictional exaggeration of those that fear him have made him seem so immortal. Some part of me must have internalized that because to see him like this, to see him so human is too intimate. 

“Don’t be so narcissistic.” Something about Kaz always leaves me feeling challenged, like each comment is some kind of dare. I adjust my posture. “I wasn’t praying because I knew you’d be okay.” 

His expression is unchanging. “So much faith in me?” 

There’s a soft edge to his words, an attempt to twist some kind of awkward denial out of me. Some days I don’t think Kaz enjoys anything and then other days I think he enjoys any misstep in my words. 

I shrug, pushing down the flood of relief still attempting to crawl out of my chest. “You’re always okay.” I scratch the back of my wrist idly. “It seems the safe bet.” 

“Don’t tell me you’ve been taking gambling advice from Jesper.” 

I half roll my eyes. “No--Jesper and I don’t play together anymore.” I let out an easy sigh. “Last time I beat him he bordered on a hissy fit.” There’s the slightest hint of upturning at the corners of his lips. “I should go tell Jesper and Inej you’re awake.” 

“I think you should change out of that dress first.”

He was more likable when I thought he might die at any second. “Wow--Kaz Brekker the professional stylist.” He has no right to judge the formal gown I’m in. Yes, my outfit is ridiculous, but I’m only wearing it because the Crows needed someone they knew at a merchant’s party for a part of some scheme they wouldn’t share the details of with me. “Yes, I’m aware that this dress is more tulle than anything else, but I’m only wearing it because I was helping you.” 

I wait for some retort about how he could have managed without my assistance or some kind of comment about how I didn’t need such a large dress to flirt and distract the guards as the Crows snuck into the merchant’s private office. “You fit in there more than you said you would.” 

From anyone else, I’d consider this an insult. “I was making an effort for the sake of your plans.” 

“I saw you before I went into the office, you knew the dances, the man took your hand.” 

That’s the weirdest observation I’ve ever witnessed someone reflect on. “That’s how those dances tend to work.” I don’t hide the confusion in my expression. “How much blood did you lose?” 

Kaz’s piercing gaze drops to the blanket on his lap. “Not a concerning amount.”

“Why do I feel like we have different definitions of ‘concerning’?” 

His eyes flit upwards, a partial smirk playing at his lips. “We define a lot of things differently.” He pauses, “You defined the life you slipped into so easily tonight as something you could never do.” 

“I can’t.” What is his problem? “One dance is different than an eternity of planning teas and marrying some man who only keeps me so I can rear his children.” 

“You’d end up marrying someone who could give you things.”

He better not be implying I should be having children. I’m seriously starting to hope he did lose a significant amount of blood because that would be some kind of explanation. “I don’t want anyone to be giving me children right now, but I guess your concern is ni--”

“No, no,” he screws his eyes shut for a long second, “You know what I meant.” I stay silent. “You’re technically a princess, y/n, you could have more than the Barrel.” There’s an odd silence as he pauses. “Someone like you should have more than the Barrel.” 

He speaks like his word is law. That’s the one habit of his I can never seem to forgive. Is Kaz telling me to go home? To go back to a mother who dreams of marrying me off and a father with a temper that often leads to violence? He may be Dirtyhands, but he is no one to tell me who to go back to. Not after I risked my anonymity to get him into that merchant’s office. 

I shut my book and stand in one swift motion. “I’m going to tell Jesper and Inej that you’re awake.”

“Y/n.” I ignore him. “Y/n.” Again, I ignore him, approaching the doorway. The rustling of sheets leaves me frozen, hand on the doorknob. “Y/n.” 

Without thinking, I turn on my heels while glaring. There’s no way he’s proud enough to have climbed out of bed wi--and he’s standing. Standing almost directly behind me. 

“Kaz Brekker, I am going to say this one time and one time only.” I keep my words measured and my tone flat. No room for argument. “You just had nine stitches put in near your heart, get your ass back in bed before that is no longer your only injury.” 

He pauses, lips pressed together into a tight white line. And then his mouth opens, pried open by an oddly light sound. Did he just--Did Kaz Brekker just laugh? He doesn’t laugh. I didn’t think he was physically capable, and now he laughs while I’m threatening him? I should hit him on principle alone and damn the consequences. 

“Did you--” I’m gaping at him with a rage I am not accustomed to. “Did you just laugh?” 

Kaz is quick to shut his mouth. “You did swear you’d get me to laugh one day.” 

Saints--now he chooses to have some kind of sense of humor. “Not while I was threatening you for being an idiot after saying my lineage means that I’m meant to be trapped in the life I desire least.” 

“I didn’t say that.” I raise an eyebrow. “You don’t deserve more than this because of your family, you deserve more than this because--” He cuts himself off with a sharp sigh. “Do you remember what happened the day we met?” 

He had wanted to return me to my father for the money. I had managed to convince him I could be more useful working for him without profit. The first day had been tense, I had sworn to myself that I would hate him forever. 

“I remember really hating you.” I remember thinking him beautiful despite his darkness. “I remember it started raining on our way here.” 

“You had a hood, but you pushed it off your head to feel the rain.” I don’t remember that because indulging in the rain is instinctual to me. “You looked at the rain, and you smiled--and then you saw a woman with a child and you took off your hood and gave it to them.” 

“What does that have to d--” 

“Watching that felt like intruding on an intimate moment I had no business knowing about, but it wasn’t that to you. That moment was nothing to you because that moment was who you are.” 

I don’t understand what he sees in something I can barely remember. “Kaz, what does that have to do with anything?” 

“I’m the monster that children believe live under their beds, I’m the bastard of the Barrel, I’m someone who gets blood on everything near them.” His gaze is harsher than I’ve ever seen it as he focuses on the dried blood splotched across my hands and arms. “And then I can’t even help you wash it off.” 

Those last words are the closest to broken I’ve ever heard him sound. “Kaz--”

“And you’re the girl who looks at the rain like it’s a gift from the Saints.” 

Is he implying what I think he’s implying? Even if I believed him such a source of evil, even if I felt like touch mattered that much--why would he care? I keep the much more frightening implication at bay as I exhale. Clarity will only make this conversation worse. “That doesn’t matter.” The words leave me in a low whisper. 

I stare at the ground until his silence is something I can no longer bear. Looking up as cautiously as possible, I take in his expression. I’ve never seen him look so--so enraged. “It doesn’t matter?!” He doesn’t bother hiding the fact that he’s practically seething. “I’ve viewed your presence here as temporary since you first came and despite that, when I saw you there…” The breath he lets out is practically pained. “When I saw what your life is meant to be--I didn’t want you to go.” 

The admission breaks something hard in my chest. “I never wanted to go.” My eyeline drops to the ground. “I didn’t want to go when you were trying to make me, I didn’t want to go when it was only for that evening.” I swallow a lump of emotion restricting my throat. “When you were bleeding out and Jesper had to carry you back here I let myself imagine what it’d be like if you died. And it hurt. It hurt so badly I asked myself if I would rather never know you than feel that pain.” 

“Would you?” His voice has gone hollow. 

I finally look up again. “No.” That word leaves me more bare than any physical touch ever could. 

“I stain everything that stays with me,” his voice has seamlessly shifted back to a tone meant for business, “Me wanting you to stay is more than enough reason for you to leave.”

My chest aches as emotions I’ll never be able to place a name to pound against my chest. “I’m a princess that ran away from her family and tried to befriend her kidnapper--you can’t possibly be narcissistic enough to believe that you’re what’s corrupted me.” 

“Y/n,” his voice is gravely again, the way it was when he first woke up. 

“No. What could you possibly think I’d say to that?” He’s insane--I’m not even sure I understand what he’s implying. “You know I’ll never agree with what you’re saying, so I have no idea what kind of reaction you’re looking for.”

“Maybe a genuine one.” 

The comment is so frustrating I can’t help but roll my eyes. The irony of Kaz Brekker asking for a genuine reaction to an emotionally heavy comment is almost laughable. “My genuine reaction is that you’re acting like an idiot because I don’t agree with anything you’re saying, but calling someone an idiot after they’ve been stabbed in the chest is a little insensitive so I can’t give you my genuine reaction.”

Kaz half-scoffs, “You don’t agree? Y/n--are you hearing me!? I want--I want you to stay.” Even angry, the admission warms me. He lets out a frustrated sigh. “More than that I want--” 

“What?” 

He shakes his head once. “I want something that can never be because I can’t give what needs to be given to get it.” 

“Kaz, if it involves me staying you don’t need to give anything for that because I don’t want to go.” 

“I-want-you-to-stay-with-me.” The admission is pried from him by some invisible force. He speaks so fiercely the sentence comes out as one angry word. 

He speaks so quickly a part of me is convinced that I misheard him. I watch him as he moves back to the bed, sitting down in a way so resigned I wonder if I blurted something out on instinct. 

“Kaz,” this is embarrassing, “I wanted to stay with you even when I wanted to hate you.”

I take in his measured expression, the only thing implying any kind of reaction is the way his eyebrows draw together. “Don’t say that, you don’t understand what that means.” 

“Why? Because you’re convinced you’ll ruin me?” 

“Y/n, we’d be together with a wall between us, keeping us from ever touching.” 

“I will tolerate any amount of damage you’re so convinced staying with you will bring, I will stay with you and never touch you and think nothing of it--but I will not stay with you just to stand in front of a wall.” I let out a tired breath. “I will stay with you but my one condition will be that you have to let me know you.” 

Kaz’s intense gaze wavers. “The first thing you’ll know is that me allowing you to stay is a testament to my greed.” 

I give him a sharp look, “It’s not greed if I want to be here.” 

He half sighs, leaning against a pillow as he turns to look out the window. “It’s raining,” he muses, “The Saints must have done that for you.” 

The sentiment is so soft my heart feels like it’s constricting. “I thought you didn’t believe in the Saints.” 

“If they exist, they do so for people like you.” 

I push past the emotion in my chest as I move to sit in the same chair I was in earlier. “I was honest when I said I didn’t pray for you.” I scratch the back of my arm, a coldness passing over me. “I didn’t pray because I knew you would be okay because you had to be.” 

“They wouldn’t have saved me,” he mumbles, “Or maybe they would have for you.” 

I shake my head once, staring at the rain with more fascination than before. 

--

General Taglist: @theincredibledeadlyviper @grishaverse7 @lonelystarship

[anordinarymuse]

Could I possibly request a Kaz imagine where the gang needs to split up and you end up severely wounded. Kaz gets extremely furious, an understatement, at whoever put you in this position and also really worried since you are very special to him: you guys are still in the early stages of your relationship so Kaz is still a little new to the whole comforting and being there for you part but you can bet that he is not leaving until he knows you’re okay

Just a lil’ angsty but super fluffy at the end 🥺🥺 Thank you so much if you want to write this.

fluffy kaz w angst is like the best duo it makes me feel so warm hehe

stairs.

Kaz Brekker x Fem!Reader

Summary : hehe the request. also this was fun to write.

Warnings : swearing; unedited.

Word Count : 868

A/N : my hand keeps trembling and it won't stop what is happening.

the masterlist.

request here.

"How far's my flat?" You grimace as you hold tightly onto Kaz's arm each step staggers after last. You can feel Kaz beginning to feel the weight as he limps, holding his cane with a ferocious firmness.

"I can see the sign," he replies, you can feel him almost shake as you hold onto him. You'd told him you were fine but he insisted after everybody had left in the alleyway.

The two of you had been trudging for a solid five minutes now, making slow progress.

"We're here," Kaz states, doing his best to help you stand up straight, but you can feel his hesitance as he touches you.

Desperate to get inside you push open the door with your elbow. Your face falls when you see steps of stairs. You had completely forgotten that your cheap flat was four stories high.

"Saints," you whisper staring wide-eyed and in dismay at the staircase.

"I'll-" Kaz starts, he also stares at the treacherous staircase. "I'll carry- carry you...?"

"No, it's fine Kaz, don't worry about it," you reply, hopping over to grasp the railing, feeling sick when your skin makes contact with the cold iron metal.

"I'll carry you," Kaz repeats, this time more certain.

"Kaz, your leg. You should be going back anyway,"

"I'll carry you," Kaz once again repeats, though, this it's demanding. You know there's no point in arguing, so you shift yourself into Kaz's arms.

You had been afraid that he'd accidentally drop you from the pain in his leg, however he's quite strong and you can feel the tense strength in his arms.

Slowly but surely the two of you ascend up the dingy staircase that could fall apart at any second. You were about to suggest that you could walk up the final story, but one look at Kaz's face silences you. His eyes are narrow with perseverance, so you don't bother.

He only let's you stand back up when he carries you to your flat door. You had expected Kaz to leave as you search through your pocket for your key, but he doesn't.

"Kaz, you don't have to stay if you don't want to," you assure him as you enter the flat, stumbling around to any object you can hold on to.

"I'm not leaving until you're in bed," he objects, closing the flat door behind him and following as you hop around.

"It's fine Kaz," you argue, not wanting him to go out of his way.

"No it's not," he snaps, which takes you by surprise. "Your stomach is impaled and you're hopping around Ketterdam like a bird with a broken wing. I'm going to get Pekka Collins if it's the last fucking thing I do."

"It'll just leave a scar. I'll be fine," you assure, making your way to the bedroom. Kaz follows.

"I should've known better than to let you guys go down the east wing. I knew it, I knew there'd be people down there," he paces around the bedroom, speaking through gritted teeth.

"Kaz, it's late you should go home," you suggest as you try and find pajamas that you'd let get ruined with blood.

"No, and how could I let Jesper use the- the- whatever he calls them," Kaz continues with his tangent, his cane hits the wooden floor with every step. It was beginning to give you a headache, "I should've been by you at the beginning not at the entrance while you guys were getting-"

"Kaz, we're all ok, ok?" You reassure, hobbling as close as possible to Kaz without falling, looking him in the eyes.

"Ok," his gaze relaxes as it meets yours.

"Alright so-"

"I'm not leaving until you're in bed," he shakes his head at your impudence.

Begrudgingly you stumble to the bathroom to change into the pajamas you decided on, and then you slip into bed. Kaz just stands by the bedroom door, watching as you get comfortable under the covers.

"Kaz-" you begin, snuggling under the mildly scratchy blankets.

"Go to bed Y/N," he directs, his eyes flicker from you and the bed.

"But-"

"Goodnight," he silences you with one word, and you ultimately surrender.

Grumbling, you flip over in bed, immediately regretting the decision as you've fallen on a sore spot. You return to laying on you back and when you take a peek, opening your eyes, Kaz remains standing by the bedroom door.

You let out an exhausted sigh before closing your eyes again, and for the rest of the night you don't open them again.

*****

Your eyelids flutter open as the a sliver of sunlight shines in through the drawn curtains.

You wince when you try and sit up, forgetting the events of last night.

Exhausted and sore you grip the covers tightly as you push yourself up. It's only when you turn your head you crack a small grin.

To your left Kaz sits in a chair, slumped down and snoozing away. His cane is still in hand and his fedora is tilted a bit too much to the side. The sight makes you giggle and Kaz slowly wakes up, his eyes lighting up when he sees you in a good mood.

**********

taglist : @marimorena06 @missryerye @agirlwholovescoffee @nicole198205 @blackpinkdolan @gabitanaka47 @psychowanarchist @siriuspvdfoot @hufflepuffflowers @thatguppienamedbae @peachykeen3502 @missryerye @kaslupin @ayla-1605 @chazzyb73 @youngblood199456 @oranee @silly-little-bl0g @bobbyjohnsonbeat @jasgreen101 @will-to-live-who @erinblack003 @bellatrixscurls @krishavania @wh0re4blaise @thegirlwhocriedlupin @mrsaliciamalfoy @wwweasleystan @modernvellichor @westantheweasleys @lolaperezb @savagelysarcasticslytherin @zaraskyla @v4l3nt1n44 @sirisuorionblack @rinbyo @xdancinggurlx @lupinsravenclaw @hogwarts-boys @inglourious-imagines @siriuslyslyslytherin @grishaverse7 @aus10-matthews @losers-club6 @chewiethecatus @i-padfootblack-things

[swanimagines]

For the Freddy Carter event,

Can I request a imagine with the prompt “Look, I know we don’t know each other very well, but I’m still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone,” with Kaz Brekker?

By the way, your writing is beautiful! You’re so talented <3

Thank you so much for your compliments and support 💞 This kinda bases itself to the time before Inej or Jesper, but Kaz still isn't a very young anymore. Kinda like an AU where they either don't exist or will come into the picture later?

Also I know I said no dialogues for the event but this immediately ignited an idea so.

FREDDY EVENT, send in requests for any of Freddy Carter’s characters!! (Other requests are open too, but they go to my normal to-do list which I’m not able to start doing til March at earliest)

Warnings: kind of angsty, but kinda also hurt/comfort, mentions of alcohol consumption

Word count: 722

It was a stormy day at Ketterdam today, unbelievably windy paired with freezing rain. Most people were inside in their houses, but Kaz had stubbornly made his way to the club to do some paperwork, where he found you to be sweeping the floors. And now, you were waiting for the storm to pass, sitting at the bar counter with a bottle of kvas beside you, but you hadn't even finished the first glass during this whole hour, barely even talking.

"Can I ask you something?" you suddenly blurted out, and Kaz slowly nodded. "Um... you have seemed... different this week. It looks like sadness and... if you want to talk about-"

He stiffened suddenly and clenched his jaw, and you muttered a quiet "sorry" in fear he'd bark at you. You sat in silence for a moment more, before Kaz took in a deep sigh.

"It's... nothing. You imagine things," he said, his brows furrowed and the leather in his gloves creaked when his hands shifted.

Maybe you should have known better, but you still decided to ask more. "Okay, I understand. Do you have any friends to talk to? Someone you trust?"

"No. I don't have friends. It's better to be alone. I learned that the hard way." Kaz rasped out, sighing as he turned the glass in his hands.

You cocked your head. "What do you mean?"

He didn't answer, just staring at the glass in front of him. On that moment, you kind of hoped to get inside his head and see what he was thinking, but on the other hand... you weren't sure if you really wanted to know.

“Look, I know we don’t know each other very well, but I’m still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone,” you then quietly said, still being met by silence. It was strange sitting at the empty club, the walls creaking slightly in the wind. You sitting with Dirtyhands himself by the bar counter, foolishly hoping he would open up his heart to you.

You were known to solve problems, being a part-time therapist within the Dregs. You liked to help people and had this ability to get people open up about their problems. But Kaz Brekker was a tougher nut than most, you had sat there for an hour, Kaz still had the same drink he poured to himself when he sat down with you.

But at least he hadn't left. If he felt uncomfortable or frustrated on someone, he'd leave. That was a good sign, at least you believed so.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to," you softly told him when silence had continued for several minutes and you were sure he wouldn't open his mouth at all. "But I want you to know that I can listen if you ever want to talk about anything."

Kaz nodded slowly again, maybe not even noticing it, but he nodded, and you offered him a soft smile as you stood up and returned to cleaning the place up for tomorrow.

You had been right though - Kaz was sad. He just thought he had hidden it well, but your observant eye probably didn't miss anything.

It was the anniversary of his rebirth. When the old Kaz died with his brother. He would have thought that after all these years, he would learn to forget that night, get over his nightmares and traumas - the little Kaz Rietveld abandoned completely. But Brekker was still reminded about him and his brother every time his skin brushed against someone else's skin, demons in his sleep and as ghosts whenever he saw those stairs he had stumbled up after making it out from the Reaper's Barge. He avoided looking at those stairs, and fortunately he hadn't had to look at them either - it wasn't like he'd want to go on a morning swim sometime.

Maybe someday he'd get rid of Rietveld. Maybe he'd even use your help for it - but it would be a long way to get to that. He hadn't even talked to you properly after hiring you, but you still had an aura around you which made him want to trust you... and it oddly gave him hope. Even when hope was dangerous.

Maybe it would get better eventually, and he'd get rid of his demons.

---

FREDDY EVENT, send in requests for any of Freddy Carter’s characters!! (Other requests are open too, but they go to my normal to-do list which I’m not able to start doing til March at earliest)

Kaz's tags for the Freddy event: @scandalous-chaos @brekkers-desigirl

[luna-writes-stuff]

Day 22: Imagine, Kaz Brekker

Quick fyi: This song was so incredibly difficult to write with Kaz. Honestly, I never struggled with a fic more, because, if you genuinely know this song, you’d know that Kaz is the last person you could pair this up with. But alas, it got requested and I serve that what you want. I gave my own twist to it, so I hope it kind of makes sense! I gave it my best shot.

Song link

Fanfic, gender neutral! reader

Confession, bit of angst, pining

Word count: 2160

Tw: Kaz pining over reader. Mention/description of Kaz’ PTSD and haphephobia. Your average angsty teen love confession? Maybe a tiny but ooc Kaz, but it depends on the eye of the beholder, I guess.

Summary: Kaz has been pining over the reader for a while now, but they continue to remain oblivious to his attempts, so he confronts them one night, being clear on his intentions. And confessions ensue.

“Step up the two of us, nobody knows us. Get in the car like, "Skrrt" Stayin' up all night, order me pad thai. Then we gon' sleep 'til noon.”

To Kaz, everything had always been easy to get. People listened to him, while others feared him, but it always got him right where he wanted to. He got exactly what he wanted, never once thinking about the consequences, as he knew they’d be of little issue to him later.

If there was a painting he needed to sell, he’d get it. If there was some problem with a person, he’d get rid of them. If someone was bothering him, he’d straight up tell them.

But when it came to you, everything became difficult. He did not know what to say or what to do. Or, even worse, he did know but he could not do anything about it.

You had always been so distant, yet so close to him. And every time he thought he finally had you, you let go again. And it wasn’t necessarily that you rejected him, it was merely because of the fact that you had no idea what he was trying to do. His attempts to make any move on you went completely unnoticed. It was nearly as if he didn’t even want you to find out.

And it was driving him insane.

“Me with no makeup, you in the bathtub. Bubbles and bubbly, ooh. This is a pleasure, feel like we never, act this regular.”

Each and every heist, he tried to keep you by his side as often as possible. And it was not always just to keep an eye on you. Usually it had only been to make himself feel better. Because he simply felt more comfortable with you around. The idea of you with him just made him indescribably happy, whether you were conscious to it or not.

At night, he would lay awake, thinking about what could have been as he mentally scolded himself for his actions throughout the day, knowing he could have done more. It had even gone to the point where he would lose sleep simply thinking about you.

Everything had just been so overwhelming to him that he no longer knew how to handle it. And he could not talk to anyone about it. He would not even know what to say.

So he wallowed away by himself, trying to catch back his grip on hisself, forcing him to be bigger, and every morning, he would believe he was. But the second you walked in, with that distracting voice and those beautiful eyes. After all, the eyes were the windows to the soul. And they’d show him exactly what he needed to see. It provided him with more information whether to drop more hints or simply let the subject be.

“Click, click, click and post. Drip-drip-dripped in gold. Quick, quick, quick, let's go. Kiss me and take off your clothes.”

But, of course, one day, enough would be enough. And Kaz found it hard to draw that line for himself. He had to convince himself you were simply rejecting him and that he should stop. He should just forget the entire matter.

But the problem was; he couldn’t. He could not simply convince himself you were unattractive one day. That would be both a miracle and a lie.

Perhaps he should’ve sought out help when this became a problem. Because now he was terrified. He was overthinking way too much than he should have. And Kaz knew it. He even told himself it wasn’t a big deal, but it had appeared as though his brain was arguing with itself. It was completely pointless and only left him exhausted.

He had to take more obvious action, and he would no longer dwell on it for too long.

“Imagine a world like that. Imagine a world like that. We go like up 'til I'm 'sleep on your chest. Love how my face fits so good in your neck.”

The Crows had just returned from a successful heist, and - truth be told - they were ready for some good night rest. Thankfully, no one got seriously injured, besides some bruises and cuts, so there had been no stress left in the air.

Save but one. Kaz had been a wreck. The nights of him imagining you had been there beside him, his haphephobia long forgotten. He knew it was too good to be true, but a simple daydream would never hurt anyone. It merely made him think about what could have been.

And that what could have been, would no longer be words and thoughts. He had finally prepared himself to speak with you. Even as his heart had been racing (and Nina had thrown him all sorts of looks), he would act on his feelings.

And if they were not mutual, at least he’d know.

“Why can't you imagine a world like that? Imagine a world.”

You were the only one left downstairs, helping yourself with a warm cup of tea from behind the bar. This had nearly become a daily routine for you. Every time before going to bed, you’d make sure everyone had left the bar and you could get your own drink.

You were pretty sure Kaz was the only one who knew, as he’d mention it from time to time, masked, but still visible. Yet, if he minded it, he didn’t say so.

You were halfway through boiling your water when you heard those familiar footsteps enter the room, the clicking of a cane following every so often.

“Should I prepare you a cup too?” You asked, without looking up, already adding water to the boiling pan.

“Chamomile.” Kaz spoke up. “No-“

“No sugars, no honey, no milk. Let the bag sit for three minutes. I know.” You interrupted, looking up at him as you showed him a short smile. He offered you a nod in response, before sitting down on the stool on the other side of the bar.

“Knew you were perfect after the first kiss. Took a deep breath like, "Ooh". Feels like forever, baby, I never thought that it would be you.”

“Only tea?” You asked, grabbing a second mug with a bag of chamomile.

“Yes.” The boy answered, curt and abrupt, as his answers had always been.

As you continued boiling the water, you could practically feel Kaz’ eyes drill holes into your head, shamelessly staring at your working figure. And you grew concerned at the feeling.

“Are you sure tea is all you needed?” You wondered, raising your head to make immediate eye contact with Kaz, something that seemed to scare both of you, as you simultaneously drew your eyes to the bar.

“I have something to confess.” He sighed. You let out a breathy laugh, trying to relieve some of the tension.

“If you are going to confess your sins, we could be here all night.” You began.

“Not confessing my sins.” Kaz specified. “I have some weight on my shoulders and I need to get it off.”

“Tell me your secrets, all of the creep shit. That's how I know it's true. Baby, direct it, name in the credits. Like the movies do.”

You nodded in assurance, letting the pan sit while you rested your arms on the bar, leaning forward to hear him better, making sure there was still a relative distance between the two of you.

“I think Inej might be a better person to talk to, but if you want me to hear it, I’m fine with it.” You admitted.

“This is not for Inej.” The boy defended. “This is for you. Specifically you.”

And that’s when you grew worried. Friends or not, you had technically been working for Kaz, and right now, it felt as if you were being interrogated by your boss and not having a good old conversation with a friend.

And Kaz seemed to notice your drop in mood, and for once, he knew what he was doing wrong. So he forced his usually stone cold expression to a more casual one, trying to make himself look more approachable.

“What am I doing wrong?” He suddenly questioned, catching you off guard.

“You’re gonna need to be a bit more specific there.” You tried to brush off.

“For weeks - no, months - I have been trying to get your attention, but you keep ignoring it. Just like you did only two seconds ago.” He scolded, trying to keep his voice steady.

“What am I doing wrong?” He repeated.

“Click, click, click and post. Drip-drip-dripped in gold. Quick, quick, quick, let's go. Kiss me and take off your clothes.”

You were quiet at his words, not even knowing how you could possibly respond. Sure, there had been times you wondered where his intentions laid, but you just thought it was his way of communicating. But apparently it had not been. And, to be completely honest, it now left you completely confused, for you did not even manage to recall any of the words he had spoken to you in months.

“I figured it was your way of communicating.” You confessed, stating your true thoughts as you placed your hands flat on the bar, pushing yourself up slightly.

“Do you think I’d tell Jesper I liked his hair yesterday?” Kaz tested, mentally biting his tongue as his words ran freely.

You shrugged at him with a frown, yet again, completely speechless.

“Or that Nina happens to have a natural aura of trust?” Kaz continued.

“What do I need to do to get your attention?”

“Imagine a world like that. Imagine a world like that. We go like up 'til I'm 'sleep on your chest. Love how my face fits so good in your neck.”

You let out a heavy sigh, reality setting in as you realized you could not lie your way out of this. If you were going to be honest for once, it had to be now. Or you might lose him for the rest of your life.

“This.” You answered. “This is obvious.”

“Then this is where I say to you that I have not been able to get you out of my mind since the day we met.” Kaz mumbled, shaking his head as the words climbed out of his mouth. He could not nearly believe it had been him to speak them. It did not even sound like him. Yet, it was his voice. And those were his thoughts.

“And every day, it just worsens. Until I cannot even sleep anymore. Not until I’ve said these words to you.” He explained.

Absentmindedly, you began to you with the bag of chamomile, tugging at the ropes of it.

“These words?” You dared to utter, nearly feeling bad for not understanding him.

Kaz swallowed thickly, his pride and reputation already king forgotten. This was it. He had to be clear and honest now, or he was going to regret it for the rest of his life.

“I fear….” He began, but the words got stuck in his throat, leaving him incapable of finishing his speech. He let out an uncomfortable cough, trying to get the lump in his throat out.

“I fear I may have fallen for you.” He whispered. “And I don’t quite know what to do with it.”

“Why can't you imagine a world like that? Imagine a world.”

And at that exact moment, you could swear you heart your heart drop. Those words did things to you that you had never even expected. It felt so foreign, yet so pleasant. It could only be described as a weird, yet intoxicating feeling.

“Why not?” You managed out.

“Because I cannot give you the love that we both know you deserve.” Those words rushed out quicker then he had expected, nearly as if they had always been ready.

“I cannot hold you when you’re feeling sad. I cannot hold your hand as we wander Ketterdam. I cannot kiss your sorrows away when you need it.” Kaz sighed, crossing his arms on the counter as he found himself quite ready to be swallowed up into the ground.

“Kaz….” You whispered, setting down the tea bag as you finally felt the courage to look back up to him.

“Love is not only physical affection.” You reassured “It’s words of encouragement. Acts of service. Some quality time together.”

When Kaz’ eyes met yours again, you let out that desperate breath, your body heating up thanks to the thousands of miles your heart had currently been running.

“Touch is not a necessity.”

“Can you imagine it? Can you imagine it?”

Now Kaz grew confused at you. It was rare for him to show himself vulnerable, but never once had he heard reassuring words. Not since a long time. And the nostalgic ideas of it made his heart flutter, instead of weigh a hundred pounds as it did earlier. It truly did feel as if something had been lifted off of his shoulders.

“What are you saying?” He rasped out, trying so very well to not keep his voice from jumping over.

“I’m saying we could try.” You answered. “If that is what you want.”

Kaz let out a nod at your proposal, grabbing the tea bag that had been placed on the counter, even as he didn’t know why.

“I want to try.” He agreed.

“Imagine.”

[hauntlikeaghost0]

an angsty kaz brekker imagine inspired by bite the hand - boygenius.

am i a genius or am i genius?!

[parkersbliss]

Hello, I'd like to request a Kaz imagine where reader is so obviously head-over-heels in love with Kaz but she also isn't sure about their situation so she ends up sending mixed signals by outwardly shipping Kanej 😭😭 and Kaz is just like,, confused because "wait I thought we liked each other, why are you teasing me with someone else 🥲🥲" it can be as fluffy or angsty as you want it to be! ♡

I love your fics by the way, they warm my heart! And also, don't worry i'm also watching freddy's horse show like a total simp 😔💖💖

anon, the way you requested this with all your emojis is the funniest thing ever!! I can’t explain how hard I laughed when I saw this. I live for you energy <3

and I’m on season 3 of freddys horse show 😭 but like… I cant anymore ITS SO MUCH

but here’s your request!! I hope you love it as much as I do

Not a No | K. Brekker

[dregstrash]

So I think we all know that if Inej were ever to die, Kaz would completely lose it. Right? I’m not going that far, don’t worry, but I’d love to see a painfully angsty fic where Kaz hears that the Wraith capsized and *thinks* Inej is dead.... only to have her turn up at the Slat a few months later. How does he react? What did he do in the meantime, when he thought she was dead?

ooooh i’m in an angst kind of mood and I love this a lot. Thanks for sending this in!!!

Kaz was familiar with death. It had birthed him. It nursed him to health. It filled him with a dark purpose that poisoned his veins so that he only sought to build things to tear them down in the same breath. Kaz thought that he was familiar with its cold breath, for you couldn’t be a gang boss without suffering losses, and he thought that he knew what it would feel like to hear a name spoken for the last time.

But he was wrong.

He was no reincarnated demon. He was no rebirthed likeness of the End. He was merely a young man who had grown so callous to the loss of life that when it mattered, he had felt the sharp sting of it being ripped off by a simple missive from his regular shipping reports. The words “Lost at Sea” and “The Wraith” pouring salt on the opened wound. 

Kaz hadn’t believed he could feel the sharp sting of death. He foolishly thought he might be immune to the veil of dread that claimed most people. But the days–months– that followed the news of Inej’s ship going down had proven him wrong. 

The members of the Dregs would look back on those black months and decide that someone must have wronged their fearless leader. That’s why he went too far with the tortures of their captured rivals. That’s why he stayed out later than usual, by himself, prowling the streets of Ketterdam, daring anyone to cross his path. That’s why he seemed more unhinged and merciless than usual. 

No one would know the disquiet that had sunk deep in his bones. The way the silence echoed through his mind, whispering her name over and over again. Drawing forth every thought, every imagination, every memory that he had tried to shove away. In that dark silence, in the space between his tiring bones and the suspended cover of night, he’d conjure her light feet, her lithe form, her dark tumbling hair, her warm brown eyes. The ghost of who she was would stare down and tempt him with a voice that he’d never hear again.

That’s when Kaz would bolt from his bed. He’d shake his head and push through his screaming muscles and dress quickly. He would rather push his body past its own limits, than to stew in his own thoughts that mulled over up his pain in a constant spiral.

He should have known better than to let her in past the careful guard he had kept up for so long. It was a mistake to ever let himself believe that the caring and loving that she introduced into his life made him stronger. It only made him weak, like an injured animal that was willing to chew its own leg off to save itself from further torment.

On his worse days, when he could barely lift himself off his desk because of his bad leg, he’d turn to the bottle. He’d do anything to keep the memory of her barred from the forefront of his mind. And he’d drink until the blackness took him. 

It was after one of these nights, when the inevitable headache beat against his temples, that a very familiar shape darkened his doorway.

He had slept on his desk again, his neck cramp and twisted from the awkward way he rested on it, and his eyes were bleary from the lasting effects of the alcohol. He was exhausted beyond belief. He was hallucinating. His mind finally left him. 

Those were all the reasons that he could think of to explain the very realistic illusion that stared at him with concern and weariness etched into her face.

“Kaz?” 

Her voice was a siren’s song, a perfect melody that didn’t belong to the natural world. And if he wasn’t so shocked, he would have waved his arms to cast the vision aside.

“Kaz, are you okay?” The ghost stepped further into his room and shut the door behind her.

Could ghosts shut doors?

Kaz said nothing even when this wraithlike version of Inej continued forward on small, unsure feet.

It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. 

His mind berated him with this simple fact, but Kaz had always reveled in the details and the details were contradicting his chants. She brought in the smell of the sea and dirt. Her hair was a gnarled mess, and her clothes were ripped and torn. She looked like she had fought an entire tempest just to get behind his desk and tentatively reach a hand out.

He tensed as he saw the fine lines of her hand. The brown skin that glowed richly and perfectly. He saw the callouses that he had traced over and over to help him get used to the feeling of her skin on his. 

Could it be that this was real after all?

Her fingers brushed his cheek gently, and he hissed when her warmth penetrated the armor of cold grief.

Nothing could have been faster than him shooting up from his chair and gathering her in a hug that was sure to have cracked her spine.

Everything else was irrelevant. His headache. The sudden sensation of her warmth against his. The way that she gasped in surprise as she felt the full force of his embrace. That was all irrelevant.

What was relevant was the bone crushing relief that zipped through his body as he felt her figure against his. The way he could feel the air push through her chest as it beat against his own. His nose being filled with her intoxicating smell of salt, grime, and Inej. 

He could practically feel her heart through her back where his hands had rested, and it beat out the happy rhythm of alive, alive, alive.

He hadn’t let go (though part of him thought he never would), and so Inej talked into his shoulder, her breath a comfort that spread down to his toes.

“My ship went down because of some pirates, and threw us off course. We sailed straight into a storm, and it tore the woods from their frames. I managed to sail to an island where I was able to flag down a merchant ship. I had to--”

Inej stopped talking as Kaz drew back far enough to put her face in his hands. 

“I don’t care.” He growled. His voice was hoarse and unfamiliar. He felt as if he had not spoken since he had received that terrible letter. “I don’t care if the very saints had plucked you out of the sea and flew you here. I care that you’re alive.”

“Are you saying that the mighty Kaz Brekker, the bane of Merchers and Tourists, actually mourned for me?” She tried to tease lightly. She tried to deflect the intensity that rested in those shark eyes of his. But he wouldn’t have it. 

“Yes. I mourned you. And I would have mourned you till my black heart stopped beating.”

It was Inej’s turn to reach up to him. To rest her hands against the flat of his chest, right above the heart that felt too big for his chest. She drew small circles in a sort of soothing motion.

“I’m alive, Kaz.” She assured him, trying to breathe those words out like a prayer.

“You’re alive.” He affirmed dropping his forehead to hers.

She smiled then. A smile that spoke more volumes than any word that could ever be spoken. It was a smile that Kaz would die to keep. 

[emjenenla]

T or F for the ask meme?

Thank you for the ask!

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Okay so I managed to find something that’s not from one of my original WIPs:

“Do we have a screwdriver?” Kaz asked Inej.

“Yeah,” Inej said still focused putting the last of the money into Kaz’s backpack. “Why?”

Kaz grinned as his heartbeat sped up. This was going to be great. “We’re taking the painting.”

Now she looked up at him, confusion on her face. “Why?”

Kaz’s smile got even bigger. “Why not?” (I’m Holding On; Why is Everything so Heavy?, May 2018)

This fic is part of a Modern AU series I’m calling the heavyverse where Kaz leads a double life as Kaz Rietveld, an ordinary if slightly troubled high school kid, and as Brekker, the lieutenant of the Dregs. In this scene Kaz and Inej are pilfering the contents of Jan Van Eck’s safe.

What I love about this scene is that this is how I imagine Kaz and Inej decided to steal Van Eck’s DeKappel in canon. Van Eck mentions that since the painting wasn’t sold he thinks the thief just took it to prove they could and its highly implied that’s exactly what happened. I’ve always imagined the theft as Kaz being like, “Inej, we’re walking by Jan Van Eck’s mansion, let’s go take something from him!” and Inej being like, “Okay, let’s do it!” and that being that. I liked getting to nod to that headcanon in this fic even though its a Modern AU.

(Side note: I really should get back to the heavyverse, but I think the fightingverse takes precedent right now, so we’ll leave it on the back burner for now.)

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

I would say that in general I’m not a fan of tropes that usually end up in crack fics. That said, I love it when people take tropes that are usually ridiculous and do serious things with them. For example this one Star Wars the Clone Wars fic I really love is a deaged fic, but its done in a way that’s serious and a little angsty and sheds a lot of light on the characters. It’s a great little fic; the link is here if you want to read.

I’m also not particularly interested most common romance tropes (probably because I’m not a huge shipper). I also don’t really like high school AUs, which is hilarious because the heavyverse (as discussed above) is technically a high school AU. I do really love the Literal Sleeping Together trope.

The only things I really dislike to the point that I’ll probably refuse to write them if someone asks are Major Character Death (I love hurt/comfort and angst, but there’s nothing cathartic about the character dying before anything can get fixed) and cancer fics (family history, don’t ask; this one is less that I wouldn’t try and more that I’m exceedingly bitter and you probably don’t want to see me do it).

(Disclaimer: Obviously I don’t think that because I don’t like these tropes no one should. Like what you like.)