#kinda feel like I’m screaming into the void

[panicismydefaultstate]

I scream out for help, that I’m drowning, and my hand waves frantically as a signal and my limbs flail to keep me afloat while waves crash over me. I can hear their voices, sometimes I can see them on the shore standing and looking at me- why are they looking at me! What aren’t they helping me? I scream louder and they tell me I’m fine, to stop being dramatic, all while water fills my lungs and my will to keep fighting begins to die.

You’re gonna be fine, they say. But I’m convinced they only say it so they can convince themselves that they didn’t need to take my cries seriously.

[bitfruity]

i have never been so obsessed and in love with a man before in my life

like as a teenager i liked bands and thought some members were kinda cute but NOTHING has prepared me for the teenage girl in my 20’s level infatuation i have for this man

and then he had the AUDACITY to bring another one into the mix

words cannot explain the amount of gender envy tommy gives me do i want him or do i want to be him?? i look at some pictures of him and go THATS ME THATS HOW I SEE MYSELF

[twyz]

dude, growing up on the internet on 2016 was absolutely awful. everyone was so critical with eachother, especially in art communities. like some of the things people did back then kinda sticked with me, and i’m kinda realizing i still (subconsciously) hold those kind of values? which SUUUCKKS

[peaches2217]

My new binder came in yesterday! I panicked and freaked out and had a dysphoric episode, but now that I’ve sat on it for a bit… I think I’m happy with it. My chest is too large to ever look flat without surgery and that’s something I just have to accept. But if I hold my breath and angle myself a certain way, I almost look good with this one. Plus it’s comfortable!

Now to just… deal with the stiff pokey fabric around the neck and armpits. If not for how awkward it looks both on its own and beneath other shirts I think I’d be perfectly content.

[ratwithahatonamat]

Microwave gets personal oh my

For Like 8 ish years give or take I suffered w sh on and off and only recently like in the last year and a half did I finally ween myself off of it and now that the depressive episodes are coming about I’m just thinking about how bored it’s weird to think about but sh gave me something to do but now I just what do I do? It’s a odd feeling but we are getting through it and I’ll probably post here about all this shit

[thecorpseinthisbed]

no i am not a woman yes i sometimes call myself a woman bc i am one god bless <3

[shellyseashell]

.

[arklay]

:)

[starsbugsbones]

[ * Hihi! I saw the tags from the post you reblogged from me, and I think I'd like to hear the rest of the 'Nonsense'™ ]

[ * if you post this and respond chances are I'm gonna continue this from my alterhuman blog, @purring-io ]

[ * also... I feel as if I know you, but it's just a hunch. A strong one ]

[ * and yknow probably a correct one ]

[ * So trying to remember what on Earth I had written out that got deleted yesterday— I think I’ll just segue into talking about also thinking I might be a skeleton monster…….. and why I’m hesitant to call myself either thing (dragon or skeleton) ]

[ * Tbh the skeleton one is a lot less evidence based to me, it more of a ‘seeing myself as it brings me unbridled joy’ ]

[ * And is also generally a comfort when I’m feeling general body dysphoria around gender (It kinda feels like I’m stuck in an ecto body all the time, the way I (and others?) view gender for the AU skeletons being very weird/not super important/it doesn’t matter really what bits they have they still stick with roughly the same perception) ]

[ * I worry about how fandom related it is though— like going to find out I was only thinking I was one because I’ve been into UTMV for a hot minute ]

[ * And in the same vein, how voluntary. Like yeah I keep coming back to thinking about it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am or that it’s something involuntary. Just that I keep thinking about it. ]

[ * Aaaaaand also about how tied into gender it is, and if I’m causing myself more trouble to realize myself as this when it’s something else going on ]

[ * ….it really doesn’t have to matter though I think? Maybe? Even if I’m wrong later, it doesn’t make it any more real or important now ]

[roseytoesy]

this is a vent. A scream into the void and I expect nothing out of it and I’m sorry to my followers. I just need to get this out somewhere.

it’s under the read more. Again sorry for all this. Just skip it cause I’m just a confused scared bean in a big scary world.

hehe long space

alright that’s probably enough…

1 just… the us of America doesn’t feel very united. Our candidates for presidents are jokes and way too old to deal with modern day issues. 2 it seems that unless you get lucky or make something successful by lying and bullying and doing anything but work hard then you’ll make it in their capitalistic hellhole that we’re creating. 3 how is a 20 year old supposed to survive in this world if I wasn’t even taught how to do taxes?! How am I supposed to be expected to just find my own job when most employers send our things begging for workers then ghost so often you’d think they were dead! 4 how am I supposed to be myself and be quirky and silly and enjoy myself when the grind is normalized? When I’m expected to sacrifice everything for others and just let myself die quietly in a corner cause otherwise I’m selfish? 5 go get therapy. Go get a job. Go to collage. For what in the end?! To be another semi better cog in a machine that will die one day and be forgotten forever?! To be a nothing for a short time. Cause that’s all that the working class is to corporations. That all we are to governments so focused on control that they erase individuals with a click. With a bill. 6 I honestly wish we could do more to change things. But there’s so many hoops. So many tests where if you aren’t tough enough you’ll fail and never be allowed even close to making any difference anywhere. 7 I want to live in a world where I didn’t have to worry or fear for my future becuase I don’t want to have to work the rest of my life until I’m to old to move. Then be let go and die as what little I did make drains away like my fleeting time on earth that I wasted for that which I can’t keep or even use. 8 will I be shunned for not wanting kids. Will I be hated for not having or ever wanting any? In this crumbling economy it wouldn’t be worth it. Especially with mental health already a struggle. 9 safe spaces. Places to physically meet and hang out are fading. Social adaptability is harder and harder. Everything is online and insane. 10 I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost and feel pretty alone. That despite everything. I’m just a fish gasping. Trying to live. But will still die slowly as someone in a better starting place than me gets to watch. 11 I don’t know who I am because I’m so burnt out and numb some days/nights that I just want to start over. But I can’t. I don’t want to either. It’s just hard, hard to exist when it seems everything is on the verge of breaking. 12 and due to burning out I’ve lost myself too. I haven’t drawn in a very long time… I don’t write often, and when I do it’s vent poems or messages. I can laugh or smile but it doesn’t last long. Is it too much to ask for an escape? To be whisked away and told I’ll always get food water shelter and stimulation. Hell I wouldn’t even mind being a glorified pet for some other being. So long as I’m taken care of well I’ll be happy. 13 just scary times. A constant thing after another. Needing a break from school, getting home to renovations, living without a kitchen for a month, dealing with winter, job and internship hunting, months of NOTHING but eh maybes and ghosting, cleaning up other peoples stuff for those many months, being the taxi service, nearly crashing and having a car breakdown in zero service on vacation, grandparent passing away and that side of the family dragging in their drama. Mental breakdowns as I struggle to just desist in a space that I could try and call my own. Burned through a game and now just numb again

[cosmo-the-overseer]

Gender/sexuality struggles below I’m pondering the Frivolities again and it’s not going well I’m inscrutable even to myself

it’s long be warned

What is gender. What does it feel like to yall

same goes with attraction

Cause like. I’m not sure if I’m feeling it

I know that I like women more than men but like. It’s in a way that I’ll see a guy everyone is calling hot or attractive or handsome and it’s like. Wow that sure is a guy. He looks. Neat. I guess? Idk and then I’ll see a woman who everyone is calling beautiful or hot or attractive and I’ll say something like wow she looks very pretty :) and I’ll see someone androgynous or something and I’ll be like wow they look so cool and. Idon’t know what I am anymore? And also I’ve never had a crush??? So no help from myself there and with gender it’s. ????? Not there????? i want to look androgynous or slightly more masculine and fuck up what people think of me as, but yet I try to ask myself what gender I am I come up with nothing. I’m used to being female, but it feels flimsy or nonexistent. and so does being male. And yet I feel too gender to be non binary and yet I also am not gendering???? And yet I still typically go by she/her??? But also not????? Smh my head I’m getting confused over the trivial again 😔

in conclusion I think I’ve just written a better paragraph than what I’ve ever written in English class with the whole 2 points of evidence and stuff and yet it’s still disappointingly mid smh my head😔 anyways this has been my tri-yearly identity crisis- gender edition! Am I aroace? Am I gay? Am I agender? Am I cis? Who the fuck knows! Certainly not me!

[panicismydefaultstate]

I was locked inside my body, I couldn’t move and I screamed as people passed me for help but no one noticed. I woke with blades in my throat from torn out screams, with muscles locked as I bolted upright. Footsteps came running, but my cries got lost in translation. And so they believed it was simply a nightmare, a dream twisted by a creative mind and oddities, and I realised that I never truly woke up. Or maybe I never truly fell asleep.

[professionaljester]

googling: is there something wrong with me bc when i wake up i’m so depressed in the morning i wanna kms

[tsireyqs]

i’m on a medical leave of absence from work and i’m on break from school and this is genuinely the most chill i’ve been in forever

[peaches2217]

I went to Dillard’s yesterday after work in order to procure some sample vials, but I was informed they “don’t do that anymore” and they instead offered to spritz a few cards for me instead (but only a few, because paper is a precious commodity, and having worked in a printing department for a few years I didn’t question that mindset). In discussing this with one of my coworkers, who herself is an opulent and well-dressed middle-aged woman, I discovered that this was, in fact, a lie; Dillard’s DOES give you sample vials of perfume if you ask. The catch: you just have to look like the kind of person that could actually afford a few bottles of $200 perfume when you show up.

Having waltzed in in a pink Mario hoodie and smelling like a mix of Tobacco Vanilla texturizing spray and off-brand Tuscan Leather, I can see now why I was deemed unworthy. 😅

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah]

Good god who fucked up this house like this

I’m literally rotting alive.

I haven’t seen a doctor or a dentist in what has to be years now. I don’t regularly take my psych meds. In fact I go long stretches of time without them then take them for 2 weeks before entering another long stretch. My bedroom is full of dirty laundry and old dishes and trash. My hands get tingly and numb sometimes because I spend copious amounts of hours holding my phone. I ricochet between all-nighters and sleeping 15 hours a day. I am obese and continue to gain weight because I’ve developed some convoluted ass eating patterns. I spend money I don’t have on things I don’t need to the point where it’s impacted my quality of life. I keep buying healthy food to eat and I let it rot. I get tired easily because I’m in such poor physical shape. I can no longer wear certain footwear because of how painful it is in my legs and hips and I don’t know why and probably won’t see a doctor about it. I don’t brush my teeth. That is not an exaggeration, I no longer brush my teeth. It’s a once-in-a-while thing now, much like the meds. I get occasional tooth pain and I just try to ignore it until it goes away. I’ve already had one root canal and I’m certain I always have terrible breath. I have no savings. I am always one emergency away from complete ruin. And I keep buying things I think will make me feel better. And it doesn’t even work!! What’s worse is I know it might not work and I do it anyway. I sleep on this uncomfortable futon with too few pillows but won’t buy more pillows because I’m too busy spending that money on low nutrient foods that I have delivered to my house instead of cooking the ingredients in my fridge (that are on their way to being spoiled). I see a therapist and psychiatrist and nutritionist (none of which I can afford) and I’m only ever half honest with them. I know what they need to hear and I say it. I don’t even want to lie, I just do. They give me the space to talk about all this and I clam up. I can’t open up about it no matter how much I want to. I hate my job. I no longer get any joy from it, only anger, disappointment, dread, exhaustion. In place of joy I get slightly less of the aforementioned negative emotions. I’m also bad at my job. I think of death everyday, often multiple times a day, specifically how and when I’m going to kill myself.

I want someone else to take over. I want someone else to be me for a little while and unfucken my life. I know that I have the power to do it myself. But I don’t want to. That’s the worst part of all of this. I’m complacent in my own suffering. I know what needs to change and I’m unwilling/unable to do so. I’d rather rot and die and rot again after that