#late post i forgot and im sick rn

[skylarraeart]

happy ENA day!!! 💙💛

[karamazovanon]

been in SUCH a bad art block lately but i want to post art so here is a rough kirillov WIP i've been working on...........ive been obsessed w the idea of drawing him like an icon/saint/etc but im not satisfied with any of my attempts so far T_T

[izzy-b-hands]

My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.

[sku11s1asher]

hi! i loved what you wrote for my request 😭 it was so cute, i didn't really specify it bc i forgot but yeah u did it amazing <33

and yeah u can totally make a part 2! actually i was thinking about it bc i can imagine a meeting between furina and the natlan archon while neuvi and reader are just giving glances to eachother 😭 reader looking like a total meanace but in his mind like "damn he's handsome" almost burning his cheeks and the seat lmao

neuvillette x m! reader (part 1)

note: ngl i feel like i do good at posting then smth with school pops up and i don’t post for like a month.. sorry y’all. also please tell me im not the only one who’s been on and off sick for the past month, rn i have a runny nose and a sore throat AGAIN. i just got over that like, barely 2 weeks ago.

tw: y/n is a bit of a weirdo with his thoughts since he doesn’t understand anything w/ love, internal homophobia (not really but kinda?), y/n is all over the place

After centuries of fighting, killing, and not showing emotions to anyone, all that can end because of a guy with beautiful long hair. The more y/n thinks about it, the more embarrassed he gets. He’s known for being a fearless and intimidating warrior, just for that whole facade to disappear just over a man out of all things.

This whole scenario came into place because his nation archon just had to have a meeting with Fontaine's archon, Furina, at least y/n thinks that’s her name. The meeting consisted of figuring out how to make the justice system within Natlan better and a way to make transportation easier between the two nations. y/n didn’t pay attention to the little details, he was only there to ‘protect’ his archon and make sure things went smoothly.

However, he didn’t realize that the other archon would be bringing a guest with her until a day before the meeting. It did tick y/n off a little bit that he would get notified so late but does it really matter? All y/n is doing is protecting and making sure everything doesn’t go south.

Well, it did go a bit south, as soon as Furina's guest arrived, y/n's mouth went dry. That man did things to him that he didn’t even know could happen. Maybe it was the long hair on the other man that made y/n feel warm inside, it definitely couldn’t have been the slight scent he had. No, definitely not.

Okay, y/n takes that back, he feels like he’s getting intoxicated by the proximity of the other male. It wasn’t hard to figure out that the guest, was a dragon, all it took was a quick look and a secret deep breath to figure it out. He had it figured out, his body wasn’t used to being by another dragon, and he hadn’t seen one in what, centuries? This feeling would go away in maybe 20 minutes, hopefully.

20 minutes later and y/n feels like he’s going to light the whole place on fire. His whole body feels like it’s melting, and to no one’s surprise, it’s all due to the long-haired man in front of him. The stranger might genuinely be the hottest person y/n has ever seen in his entire life. That long hair makes y/n want to run his fingers through it, maybe brush it, but that might be a bit too much to think about.

Once y/n saw the man look at him, he quickly looked away, how embarrassing.. he got caught staring hardcore. He took a deep breath before listening back into the conversation, “Ah, yes, I suppose it would do both nations good to do something like that. Maybe combining a bit of power.” the lovey talk of archons, always talking about power; like it’s the only thing that matters to them.

Power is important though, y/n is in the position he’s in right now because of how powerful he is. In complete honesty, he’s probably too powerful for his own good, only knowing how to use it to protect his nation from people deemed as enemies; even if they aren’t in the public eye. Power rules everything at the end of the day, nothing can function without power.

The more he listens into the conversation, the more he realizes he was glad he was never born as an archon; he’s been around one most of his life and it’s always been boring. Listening in did provide small details though, like the mysterious man’s name.

While y/n was somewhat able to keep his focus off of the other dragon in the room, he managed to not burn anything. But, he had a feeling his archon caught on as they gave him a questionable look; it was a very subtle one that only he could catch onto but it was obvious they knew something. Nothing is going on though, right? The man can’t help it if he gets a bit flustered whenever he remembers Neuvillette is near him.

Gosh, y/n probably looks like a blushed teenager who just confessed to his crush. Well, he at least thought he did. To everyone else though, he looked like he was on guard and was going to fight anyone who even took a step too close to his and the Natlan archon's bubble. y/ns hand accidentally gazed at the chair near him, which caused the leather to burn where his touch was. Good thing no one was looking, right?

y/n couldn’t wait any longer for this meeting to be over, his brain was thinking too many things while he was focusing on every single move everyone else did. It would be overwhelming for anyone who wasn’t trained and as skilled as he was, but that tiny overwhelming feeling didn’t compare to how fast his heart was beating. y/n hoped the other male couldn’t pick up how he was feeling, thankfully Fontaine's archon seemed to be happy with the deal she and the other archon came up with.

In Neuvillette's mind, he could tell that the fire dragon was on edge. He could also tell how much the dragon was staring at him, it was a little nerve-racking. Once Neuvillette caught a glance at the chair that was touched, it made him a bit surprised but he didn’t show it. Maybe he would talk to the other male after the meeting, for work-related things of course!

[whyse7vn]

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS -

[ ot7 x reader ]

LOSERS 😟

8 participants - 8 online

———————————

y/n: ass or tits?

jk: tits.

y/n: oh?

jk: preferably yours

in my face

all the time

y/n: not all the time

jk: all

the

time.

jimin: is he dunk??

when have jungkook ever been that forward

yoongi: right.

anyways ass

namjoon: what happened to hello

how was your day?

miss you?

jin: tits

y/n: fair

tae: both

i say both

do i?

yes i do

or do i…

um

wait

nvm

okay both final answer

y/n: booo pick one

tae: come back to me

y/n: jimin?

jimin: ass 😌

jk: wrong the answer is tits right y/n?

hobi: is jungkook drunk omg

jimin: RIGHT I WAS SAYING

y/n: hoseok ur answer?

hobi: i have no answer because i’m a feminist 🙏🏻

tae: liar

because i am a REAL feminist i say ass #womenarethebest

y/n: ur all so predictable

thought i would be shocked and surprised

tae: are shocked and surprised not the same thing?

jimin: no?

jin: yes?

yoongi: who cares?

jk: i’m crying

hobi: LMAO

sorry i’m not laughing at you i’m laughing with you

jk: but i’m not laughing

i’m crying

namjoon: why are you crying??

jk: i think i’m drunk

jimin: i could of told you that

jin: who let the loser drink omg

tae: jungkook is borderline an alcoholic and we need to talk about it

yoongi: i prefer not to

let him suffer in silence

y/n: yoongi omg?!

yoongi: *yeah let’s help him 👍🏻

jk: i am nojt and alcoholick

tae: see now he can’t spell

look at the alcohol poisoning his mind the youth these days

namjoon: jungkook had been drinking a lot lately

jk: NO

ony

olly

onl

onlyyy

only every saturday

jin: it’s tuesday?

jk: what

yoongi: hes a grown man i say let him drink his life away

#freewill

jimin: rip bro

jk: rest easy i’ll miss you 💗😭

who died?

y/n: yikes!!!

jin: jungkook this is an invention

hobi: don’t you mean intervention??

jin: didn’t you fall at the grammys??

y/n: HELPOEODO

hobi: WHAT THE FUCK????

jk: what did you in

vvent jin?

jin: THIS IS AN INTERVENTION JUNGKOOK

put the alcohol down you are a light weight and a loser when you are drunk

jk: wJAHT

WHAT

NO

NO

NO

who told you i was dRunk

yoongi: i say this is a problem beyond us guys #letssleep

y/n: now i agree

#movingon

jimin: do you believe that jungkook is princess diana reincarnated?

tae: what is princess diana

y/n: i believe in the jungkook first life theory

jin: jungkook not british wtf

yoongi: no

jk: ipad

namjoon: what the fuck

jimin: i think jungkook isn’t real and we all made him up because we needed someone to bully

jk: i’m am a real

y/n: standing with the first life theory

jin: i stand with the not real theory

yoongi: he’s dead

hobi: robot boy built in space by tiny ants

jk: some times i thin k ants are iN my braiN

hobi: see

yoongi: who ate my pizza?

tae: who would do that omg 😭😭😭?

y/n: was tae

yoongi: figured

namjoon: i am genuinely concerned for all of you

y/n: namjoon is an ass guy

jimin: real

namjoon: ???

hobi: imagine we got jumped by all of nct and seventeen at the same time

y/n: hot

jk: 2 baddies 2 baddies

jin: why would they want to jump us

are we not their idols?

namjoon: you can’t just assume we are everyone’s idols jin

jin: why not?

tell me mr kim namjoon

…

right

stfu

don’t talk to me for the rest of they day

tae: imagine getting stomped on by all of them

y/n: i’m sick of pretending i’m okay with taehyungs freaky little foot fetish

yoongi: agreed

hobi: i say let’s kick him

namjoon lowkey got one too and no one talks about it

y/n: REAL

jimin: SO GLAD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHOS NOTICED

KICK THEM BOTH

jk: wwweowowowwwww

jin: omg forgot about jungkook

where even are you rn bff

namjoon: i do not have a foot fetish

jk: i with my otherR friends Butte dw im nottt replacing u guys

yoongi: he has other friends?

jk: yoongi my BIGGEST HATEFR LRTS TALK ABUTTT UIT

jimin: namjoon you literally post pictures of your feet on the internet for fun like

y/n: just like tae but make it aesthetic

jk: yoongi just saY ur in liove with y/n and go

jin: OMGhwhdhdhdhd

hobi: WOAHSHSHDHHSHDNDND

y/n: NO CUZ YOONGI ME PERSONALLY I WOULD HAVE ITTTT

tae: i have love i want to share

jin: this is not about you tae

omg yoongi typing

hobi: kinda nervous

namjoon: that does not mean i have a foot fetish wtf?

jin: someone tell namjoon to stfu we have bigger problems rn

hobi: namjoon jin said to stfu cuz we have bigger problems rn

yoongi: if i wanted her i could have her just saying

you should be thanking me tbh ur little crush isn’t that much of a secret

y/n: NEHHEHDBFBFBFBBF

hobi: I SCREAMEDDDDDDDDDDD

jimin: DAMNNSNDJ

jin: YOONGI ATE SORRY

tae: i have a crush

jin kicked tae from the gc

jin: he can come back after

jk: wjat I HAVVBBBB Njko nncrudhj

jimin: someone translate i beg im too invested

hobi: fight i say

to the death preferably

yoongi: going to bed

gn y/n

y/n: ur so evil omg

gn yoongi

jimin: NO CUZ JUNGKOOK GONNA CRY WHEN HE READ THIS WHEN HES SOBER

jin: YOONGI JUST DID JUNGKOOK SO FUCKING NASTY OMSHSHSH

hobi: YIKES LAMSKDKOD

namjoon: damn

jin: jungkook wya????

jimin: express your thoughts rn this is a safe place

jk: i canTttty sea

hobi: he’s so fucked up

jin added tae to the gc

tae: let’s run away together

forget all the drama bae just you and me against the world

jimin: omg ok 🥺

tae: ew not u wtf

was taking to y/n

jimin: EW???

tae: ew.

would rather kms

xoxoxox

y/n: you know you can just open a mcdonald’s if you have the money like that’s so crazy

jin: i don’t care for that type of food

they are serving you horseback and pig feet

hobi: did you not eat it yesterday?

jin: don’t let me get you again

hobi: this is a toxic friend group

namjoon: do you guys really think i have a foot fetish?

y/n: come on now…

jimin: 10000%

hobi: there is no doubt in my mind

jin: YEAH

tae: it’s okay bro

namjoon: you are the last person i want comfort from

tae: WTF???

last time i’m ever being nice

fuck you

kys how about that?

hobi: how you like that?

that that that that that that

y/n: where did jungkook go

jin: dead

jimin: crying

tae: idk

namjoon: he probably fell asleep it is like 2 am??

tae: namjoon kinda annoying guys

jin: someone had to say it!!

i agree

namjoon: sorry i am the only functional one in this group?

jin: look at him getting all defensive omg

tae: you cant even cut food right so how functional are you really?

jimin: no cuz remember when he was cutting that fucking carrot omg

namjoon: bye it’s late and u guys are annoying

tae: loser

y/n: cheer up joonie

jin: pussy

…

HELP i feel so bad cuz i was writing an individual one and i just couldn’t think of shit to say writing the gc ones are so much easier but i promise i’ll fix up and write more individual ones i just wanted to release something cuz i’ve been posting consistently lately and don’t want to break the streak so sorry if this one feels a bit rushed love you all comments reblogs and likes are always greatly appreciated and TY for being sosososo nice to me in my inbox entirely grateful love u xoxox

( also pls ignore any mistakes if there are any it is literally almost 2 am and i cant see straight will go fix it later love u )

[circular-bircular]

hello! im currently questioning whether I am disordered or not. I was wondering if you would be willing to share your experiences if you're comfortable or maybe share some good resources about what its like being disordered because im really lost rn. this blog is great btw! take care of yourself <3

Hey there! Glad you enjoy my blog, sorry it took a bit to get to this. This is the first night in like a month that I have any free time whatsoever (and that's cause I'm putting off grades, lol...)

I hope you don't mind a bulletpointer on this one!

Disordered experiences...

Firstly, I cannot overstate how fucking everything about me is impacted by trauma. Physical health? I get sick more often because my body has fought as hard as it has to survive -- it's an actual thing that traumatized people get physically sick more often. Mental health? Shit. Depression's comorbid, anxiety is comorbid, and I've even seen discussions about the connections between autism and DID, and those two do not mix well in me. All of my everything is constantly fucked.

I cannot goddamn sleep. Sleep is a goddamn hellscape. I run from somewhere between 2 to 6 hours of sleep most nights, and have to take plenty of naps just to survive. That makes it next to impossible some days to get the energy I need, or if I did get enough nappies, to get the free-time I need.

In terms of my actual DID... Amnesia is the biggest one. I constantly have gaps. I have to write every single thing down. I have plenty of accomodations, sure! But even those fail from time to time, and then it's just a spiral. Like, today at work, I had a surprise meeting I did not write down, because I just forgot to. I forgot about the meeting until 10 minutes prior, when I got an alert in my email about it. This meant I skipped lunch, and had to try and focus without having eaten since 9am. This made my day harder, which led to...

Dissociation!!! God fuck. It's so hard to focus sometimes. I am so spaced out. Today was one of those days where I had to cling to my phone for survival and grounding. Not the healthiest coping mechanism, but it's better to be writing posts on tumblr during class than forgetting I'm in class at all. And none of the kids snitch on me -- just get a little pissy if I don't call on them quickly enough.

Trauma flashbacks. Ough. If I get stuck in one, goodbye ability to think for awhile. It's been happening more and more frequently at work lately, so there goes my 30 minute lunch spent in the bathroom forgetting I exist because I feel like I'm going to my parents house after school.

That ties into paranoia. I have to convince myself more often than not that, when I get home, my abusers won't be there. I'm 26 and haven't directly lived with them in 3 years, and I cut them off close to a year ago. I still wake up thinking they're breaking in.

That's about all I can think off quick, off the top of my head. Basically... owie owie my brain is a big ol bruise.

[sentavoarts]

tober challenge d5

HII SORRY IVE BEEN GONE BUT HERES MY OC TOBER D5 AND INK TOBER D5 PIECE inktober list is by intober and the oc tober is by inked_wing on tt (askanslostfin)

a bit late cuz of a trip and i don't have my d4 because my pc where the file is saved is kinda broken rn sooooooooo. ANYWAYS BOUT THIS OC.

Raina- their basically the gate keeper/ map guide of this world. The map on their back is a map of the final destination that will end it all. I haven't given them much lore cuz i kinda forgot about them. They have been faceless in all my drawings of them. Surprisingly my weakest oc since their actually very fragile of a person and their body acts as a vessel for messages by their "Gods" (takes a lot out of them which makes them sick and weak) THATS ALL IM NOW GONNA SPAM POST.

[khmarrenian]

☁︎a small-silly-sorta abt + tag system pin post (will be edited as i feel the urge to silly return)

hey there; i do stuff and like lot's of stuff and have trouble doing things on time. a bit busy atm so i might respond late (sorry abt that!!)

i go by any pronouns (not including neos, ie just he/she/it/they), and i forgot what my name was!! (can't wait to get one ehehee-)

☁︎ ukr/eng + learning latin and polish (im trying (help) ☁︎ ∞ minor (late teens) ☁︎ creeps, westsplainers and vatnyks dni (if dni lists are still a thing) ☁︎

i'm sick of my old tag system so HERE YOU GO

#%иїо, for most reblogs

#art-rbyay, for reblogs of art by others

#queueeey, queue tag

#aCtualoriginalstufftent, for =} once in a blue moon (original posts, includes text posts)

#.ao, for a variety of things from 3am-postin' to 10 braincell posts and random thoughts

#khmartdump, an art archive sort of thing. posting old art or other such creations that may or may not be quality but sure are ~memories~.

#khmarrkin, for wips, discussions about them and whatever project i feel urged to work on at the moment

#khmarrawrings, - sillier doodles and some (often unfinished) sketches

i generally tag spoilers with the format of *titleacronym*S#E#spoilers (eg tgammS2E1spoilers) for tv shows, and "*fulltitle**year*spoilers" (eg thestepfordwives1975spoilers) for films. if a thing is tagged as a spoiler for the episode of a tv show assume it's spoilers for every following episode/installment. I'll often use 2 spoiler tags eg #tgammS2E15spoilers and #tgammS2E7lightspoilers where S2E15 is a brand-new episode that is the main concern of a post, but the post may still be a spoiler if you haven't watched S2E7 - it may be a smaller spoiler (say, a new character) but is still a spoiler, and you might want to steer clear. In all cases I'll be using variations of "*titleacronym* spoilers" (eg tgamm spoilers) alongside the aformentioned tags. I'll try to stay consistent with my spoiler tagging (and use more spoiler tags in general) so you hopefully don't get spoiled, and I apologize for the confusion caused by this fairly convoluted system!!

you can check out my old tag system in the about page - some of my old posts use that old system so if you stumble upon them, checking that might be useful. Here's some stuff I'm into and which you may find on this blog (depending on how things go and whether i,, yk, actually post:

Wander Over Yonder

The Ghost and Molly McGee

Amphibia

The Owl House

Bee and Puppycat

ENA

(+Gravity Falls, OtGW, Steven Universe, She-Ra and SVTFOE but i'm not too into them rn)

Keytars, if that counts

Lemon Demon

Tally Hall

Jack Stauber and Will Wood to some degree. Although I'm not too well-versed on either to be fair.

The Beatles

The Stepford Wives (1975)

Stranger Things

Horrible Histories (+the six idiots themselves)

that's it for now. I'll update this whenever I please, mbyeeee *have a great day whoever you are btw

[jiangwanyin]

actually lately my toxic trait is being too happy to sleep. i'll be laying in bed at 5am smiling for no goddamn reason sleep deprived as FUCK but feeling really good besties what's wrong with me

[youn9racha]

helo my sweet! how are you lately :3 (i can't emoji because i'm on laptop but anyways) I FORGOT TO TELL YOU DJGNSKDNFS finals ended and i'm free at last (but for like a few weeks only because enrollment for the next semester is starting TT-TT)

but yeah! i got a new phone btw! i'm still using my tablet, but since i finally got a new phone, i'm planning on doing an smau sooooo 0-0

also hhhhhh since i'm free now, i might finally finish that fic i've been working on as a surprise (not a surprise anymore lmao TT-TT) for you! YEY!!! \(>w<)/

but also, the engagement on this platform really is hard ;-; i've published fics and yet i only been getting like and not much comments or tagged reblogs ;-; it's kind of discouraging to look at honestly ;-; i mean i'm thankful for the likes and all, but most of all i want to know the thoughts of the readers about the fics ;-; though i might not reply to some of them (especially since i don't know how to really form a reply sometimes ;-;) i'd actually appreciate how they'd still let me know their thoughts :( i actually thought of giving up tumblr after maybe finishing the series i'm currently working on

but hhhh yeah that's how i feel atm ;w; a bit dizzy/nauseous if we're talking health or physical-wise! since i'm going through my period ;w; but yeah, i've also been going out a bit more than before, trying to get used to travelling since i have really bad motion sickness and i heard we might have a face to face class at the start of the semester (omg i'm sorry i'm rambling again to you ;-;)

HI BESTIEEE !!!!! IM DOING GREAT !!!! ALSO CONGRATS ON FINISHING UP YOUR FINALS !!!!!! ALSO CONGRATS ON THE NEW PHONE !!!!

ik that feeling about the whole engagement thing, especially since i also had a rocky start from when i came back from my hiatus, where i had little to no engagement even after posting like three fics since my return.

it was only my recent felix fic where i started to get more engagement and traction. lino’s was a close second because i had engagement at first but then crashed literally the next day lmfao. but even so, for some reason there has been a rise of blank accounts and just liking posts without givibg their feedbacks 💔 it’s disheartening really, and it really demotivates us.

i have been thinking of leaving as well but idk i kinda like being here despite everything y’know ? but thats just me. although it’d suck to see you leave, but i won’t entirely blame you, all i can say is just think about it before you decide to leave or not.

anyway, while im hyped that you have the free time to write that “surprise” fic, please put your health first and rest when you can. you’ve been through enough health wise its only fair you rest rn. the fic can wait and im not going anywhere anytime soon, so don’t feel rushed and always take care of yourself 🫶🫶

also ramble all you want thats okay !!! im always here to listen (or in this case read lmfao)

[xsnowybunni]

monday 28.06.2021

i’ve decided that im gonna start writing small posts about my day, kinda like a diary but then not secret lmao.

today was a weird day, i got into a big fight with my boyfriend but after we talked about it we were closer then before, which was strange. we had a fun day but when he had to leave everything went wrong for him, he forgot his medicine at my house so we had to go back, then his boss got extremely mad at him for being late and then everything jus became too much. he has adhd and autism so when things are getting too much he panicks a lot and i couldnt help him because he was on a train about 2 hours away from me, which made me feel bad because normally i am the one who helps him when he starts to feel that way. his sister had to call his boss to tell him that he wasn’t comming anymore because he couldnt even talk normally. now he is just feeling bad that he had to call in sick at the last moment. 

its almost 7 pm rn, he gets home around 7.30 pm. when he gets home we’re gonna call a bit so i can help him calm down so we can play some games togheter to make him feel better. 

i know no one cares about this but this is just for fun.

xx Bunni

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

[izzy-b-hands]

God I'm excited for Adam's concert tonight. Today has been... something, but the concert is gonna make it better

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[ocdhuacheng]

fyeahmajorscollection replied to your post “szinnie replied to your post “People are saying tahoumaru was...”

dude gave up his body for the demon contract, demon contract got mega broken, I don't think he was gonna live...

his soul looked fine even after the demon was killed tho. like hyakkimaru can tell if people are dying (like with mutsu when she was sick) but his soul was. completely fine. i dont have the screen cap rn and im lazy sorry :p

i could either be overthinking this and giving mappa too much credit and that they just forgot that souls fade as you die and yall could be right, or i could be right and mappa actually followed through with that detail. but imo even though its less disturbing than a situation where he was literally neglected to death, the He Was Killed By The Demon theory just seems like speculation like is there any actual evidence for it? because to me it seems like there was more evidence that mappa was like he had a chance to survive but he just. gave up. and i hate it

but my point is, regardless of if he was dying to begin with, the whole scene was unnecessary, the ending was unsatisfying, and having him die was unfair and a disservice to his character. also either way doesnt disregard the fact that he was being completely ignored by his own mother until it was too late to save him anyway. she cant see souls, he wasnt bleeding that much, for all she knew he could have just been unconscious, and she didnt try to do anything at all

like i know its not that important its just !!!! it really grinds my gears!!!! that he died at all!! and it was done so vaguely and thats why theres all this speculation in the first place. also im mad with the writers because i think both options suck. but if they just HAD to kill him off id rather them have been explicit that the demon killed him so that maybe some of those disturbing vibes i got from his death scene would be cleared up

[planetdream]

HELLO HELLO I FORGOT I SENT YOU AN ASK???? AND I WAS THE ONE ASKING IF IT GOT DELETED? VERY RUDE OF ME

okay no but yes I just got sick for another week 😭😭😭 life is not kind to me,,,,I JUST finished an essay and it's 6:19am rn and the sky is lighting up this is homophobic </3

I'm trying to get to terms to losing it but mannnnn I'm so pissed and upset because I had three kpop photo cards in it 😭 (along with other very important stuff ofc like my old student cards and I, obviously, alr graduated)

What can I say I'm just someone who loves the dark too much sksksksks jokes aside tho the dark is nice cos it makes me less guilty to be depressed - it's so weird to see it still light outside at 7pm rip

DREAMIE I WAS LOWKEY KIDDING BUT YOU ACTUALLY SAVED A SPOT FOR ME ALDHFJSJSHDJSKKDDK I LOVE YOU HELLO?? Okay but yes I will Sit Down and Think About It and come back to you with an MV uwu

Also Maniac omg,,,,Felix is such a queer king with that skirt and his HAIR as always a fashion icon. Hyunjin with red hair?? Chan with blue hair?? Changbin with green highlights?? Freaking LEE KNOW with purple hair?? These boys are here to slay and they aren't leaving anyone alive oh no. And Han with that slicked back hairstyle </3 I'm sorry Seungmin but Han is killing me there I can't skskkzsksksksks Also erm no hate but I didn't like the song at first? But it's so catchy?? Like does it sit at the top of my skz playlist? Not really. But is it so catchy that it makes me want to loop it so many times my brain explodes? Yes.

(also sorry if everything looks incoherent I've been writing a 2k essay for the past seven hours and I desperately need sleep)

Bestie SAME on the touch starved end 😭✋ and yes physical emotional connection desperately needed here as well pls 😭😭 I think my friend's constant complaints rubbed off on me because he's always like omg I want a boyfriend and there can only be one touch starved hoe between us so I have to be the bigger person ☠️☠️ but yes much love needed here as well

SCREAMING CRYING MOANING AT THE MENTAL IMAGE. just,,,,seungmo trying to not betray his feelings but ultimately man is a human as well and at the end he's not even scrolling through his phone,,,,the screen is black and it's just something to anchor himself onto </3 absolutely insane with that idea

Also that anon who said Lee Know <3. Massive vibes <33

How are you doing dreamie? Hope all is well hehe :)

-seong

ok first off—get some sleep (maybe u already are idk) can't have u out here sleep-deprived AND sick omg.

and the wallet 💔💔💔 three pcs and important things oh baby i really feel for u...tbh i dont think i'd be able to come to terms with losing it...

as for the collab—there's not a set deadline for posting the fic at the moment (and there probably won't be lol) so you can take your time choosing the fic, but that seungmin spot is 100% yours, babe!

maniac—the boys all look so good and im proud of what they've accomplished this era so far. i was talking about this with moon the other day but it's so fun to watch all of this happen in real time. like bb200?? so sexy of them, really. and yeah, at first listen i wasn't vibing with maniac like i did the other songs on the album (chalking it up to my general occasional dislike of singles) but after the second listen i liked it a lot more ahaha

— apologising for things seeming incoherent?? welcome to my entire blog fr

i've been going outside more and more lately since it's getting warmer and idk im just so...starved of different types of connections. i think i want a romantic connection lol, but that's a lot of work rn and i can't put someone through the stress of dealing with me atm rip

how am i doing? well it's pretty late now and i had a pretty busy day and im finally settling in at home fr and im just....so emotional for no reason?? wanna cry a little bit but other than that im doing good. upset bc i don't have any weed rn but it is what it is lol