#ld be less scared I think. . ….

[lost-and-ephemeral]

Could you please do LDS boys +

Caleb reacting to reader being injured/severely injured?<3

HCs: You're Injured (ft. main trio + Caleb)

Pairing: Xavier x reader, Zayne x reader, Rafayel x reader, Caleb x reader (seperate)

Tags: hurt/comfort, reader is injured but won't die

A/N: Thanks for your request! First time writing for Caleb, yay. Sorry if it isn't good enough, I'm not feeling so good since morning.

-`♡´- MASTERLIST -`♡´- 

Caleb

"Hold on, pip-squeak, I'm right here."

Your exhausted body, covered in wounds from the battle with Wanderer, was ready to collapse to the ground if Caleb hadn't caught you in time.

He knew how dangerous your job was, but that didn't make him any less worried.

You protected him but got hurt in the process.

He's frustrated and angry because there's no way he could've protected you in that situation.

And Caleb just hates this feeling, but trying to stay calm for your sake. His emotions could only make everything worse.

"Sometimes even big girls need someone else's help. Right? And I'm here for you."

Concern was written all over his face, he couldn't hide it even if he really tried. The last thing he wanted was to see you hurt, especially like this.

He was supposed to be your main protector back then. But now things have changed.

You had really grown a lot, not just physically, but mentally too.

It was just hard to accept you're no longer a little girl.

Yes, you are strong and mature. But Caleb kept holding you like you were the most fragile being in the world.

He will give you first aid as quickly as he can, while calling an ambulance. Caleb is not the kind of person who would risk your life trying to handle this situation on his own.

Definitely going to the hospital with you while holding your hand and talking to you. He'll be around as long as it takes.

Probably will fall asleep on the chair near your hospital bed.

No doubt he'll continue to look after you like he did when you both were younger.

Rafayel

"No, no, no. Don't even think about leaving me like this!"

Maybe sometimes Rafayel was overly dramatic, but he's actually afraid of losing you again.

When he saw that you were injured after not-so-pleasant encounter with Wanderers, his facade of self-confidence instantly cracked.

Rafayel started panicking and it was clear from the look on his face as he crouched beside you, seeing how you trying to cover the wound by your bloody hands.

Not again. No.

All these years he had to watch you die over and over again, losing all memories of him.

Rafayel instantly began to examine your wounds, holding you close. He didn't care if his perfectly white shirt will be covered in blood as well.

He needed to be sure you won't die this time.

And his playful attitude is gone completely.

"Don't you dare to die on me, you hear? I won't forgive you. Ever. Promise me. Promise me you won't die."

He tried to remain calm and ignore the suffocating feeling of anxiety that has been slowly rising in his chest. But he couldn't.

Will do everything to stop the bleeding while help is on it's way. You can feel his hands trembling.

He'd better die for you himself, not vice versa.

I swear, this man is gonna get the whole hospital on alert. Nurses and doctors can be mad at him as much as they want. It doesn't matter to him.

Rafayel won't rest and eat properly until you get better. He just physically can't.

"Don't scare me like this ever again, please."

Xavier

"I failed you."

You accidentaly got injured during your mission. And poor Xavier decided it was totally his fault.

You both found yourself surrounded by enemies and before he could even react, one of them attacked you, leaving a deep wound on your side.

Needless to say, in the next couple of seconds all Wanderers were completely destroyed, and Xavier was fully focused on you.

This isn't the first time you've been injured during a mission. But each time Xavier is as worried as always.

Especially when your injuries are so severe.

Will administer first aid on the spot, even the bare minimum, before carrying you to safety.

With Wanderers around, it's not going to be easy to get you out of this dangerous zone. So Xavier needs to stabilize you a little at first.

"I won't let you get hurt again. I promise."

He is already experienced in these situations, so he's able to keep his emotions under control. But that doesn't mean that deep inside he isn't worried sick about you.

Will be looking for anything to treat your wound and avoid infection.

Guilt will slowly eat him up from the inside no matter what. He had to protect you, but he failed to do so.

Even if you assure him it's just an accident, Xavier just shakes his head in response.

As soon as you can get out, he'll take you to the hospital. It is unlikely that his skills will be enough to make your wound heal properly.

Better safe than sorry.

He still has a lot of work to do, but he'll come to you whenever he has a spare minute.

Will probably act like a guilty puppy for a long time.

Zayne

"You're constantly putting yourself in danger."

Zayne has a hard time showing his feelings openly, especially when it comes to you, so it's no surprise that his display of concern felt like he was scolding you.

But in reality he's really, really worried about you every time.

He knew right away that you were in the hospital after another accident.

And as soon as Zayne had some time off between surgeries, he came to you.

Looking at you in the hospital bed, he felt his heart ache.

While he was desperately searching for a cure for your heart, you kept getting hurt again and again.

Even when you smiled, like if trying to reassure him everything's fine, Zayne only sighed and shook his head. You have no idea how hard it was to see you hurt and vulnerable like this.

He's already been informed of the severity of your wounds and how much blood you've lost.

And he could've lost you.

But Zayne can't let his emotions take over. There are still a few more difficult surgeries ahead where he cannot afford to make a mistake.

And if he starts panicking right in front of you, it's not going to speed up the healing process.

"I'd be happy if you took a more responsible approach to your health. Then I wouldn't have to be so worried."

He moved his chair closer to your bed and sat in silence for a while, squeezing your hand.

Zayne will stay around as long as his job lets him.

Don't be surprised to find candies or plushies you wanted on your nightstand.

You can ask him about these little gifts.

And watch carefully as a faint smile appears on his lips.

"Usually only children get so excited about toys. So it turns out you're not that far from being a child?"

[squeakintothevoid]

Bohemian Rhapsody hits different after you go through an existential identity crisis.

I wanna explain what I think of when I listen to this song. (TW: religious trauma, cptsd, and an overabundance of gifs)

"If you can see it there, darling, then it's there."

-Freddie Mercury

This song is an epic hero's journey of a song that deserves to be overrated. 11/10. Freddie is an artistic genius.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide No escape from reality

So when you grow up in a traumatic situation (I was abused and neglected by mormon parents) you live in a detached way and learn to never trust yourself. You inevitably get some doubts in the back of your mind about how great and perfect the situation you're raised in actually is, but you don't dare confront these thoughts because that would risk crumbling your sense of security.

But real life comes through and crumbles your foundation anyway like a landslide. You get doubts upon doubts. Oh crap, reality is scary! Santa isn't real! Mormonism sounds a lot like a cult! And I think everyone can relate to realizing that their parents and adults in general are just grown-up kids.

Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy Because I'm easy come, easy go Little high, little low Any way the wind blows Doesn't really matter to me, to me

So you've realized that your security is not a guarantee in life. Now all you can really do is appeal to whatever holds power over you, be it god, your parents, the skies.

"Don't worry guys, I'm no trouble. I'll be good. My feelings don't matter. I'm good with anything you want."

You end up convinced that the people pleasing mask is who you really are. And in this state of being detached from your actual self, you become less capable of feeling much, high or low.

Mama, just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

But at some point your soul just can't take it anymore, it's been pushed to it's limit. The mask slips, the shelf breaks, the walls come down. You start to realize that what you think might actually be important. You begin to accept the truth. And when you realize you can no longer be this version of you they want you to be, well, it feels like you've died.

Because your whole identity was built on something that wasn't real. Your world's been turned upside down and now you're terrified of disappointing all those people who you've been so desperately trying to please this whole time. Despite everything, a part of you may even care for them and hope their worldview doesn't get shattered for their own sake. Let them carry on with their ways.

Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooh (Any way the wind blows) I don't wanna die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Freddie writes like he's walking to his own execution. I felt a similar way when I was taking my last flight out of BYU as a fresh nonbeliever to see my mormon family. My anxiety must've thought I was escaping North Korea or something. Because I really didn't know if I was about to lose everything or not. And that last line was way too relatable, which scared me. I actually avoided this song for years because of it.

I also got physically sick several times that last year at BYU from living the double life. Definitely ached all the time, and still do. The body really does keep the score.

I still remember how I felt when I finally faced the truth by reading the CES letter, subconsciously hoping it would shatter my testimony of the LDS church. It felt like walking straight into hell. Which brings us to...

I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning very, very frightening me (Galileo) Galileo (Galileo) Galileo Galileo Figaro Magnifico-o-o-o-o

...my SPOOKY MORMON HELL DREAM!

Time to feel guilt like no other! Because part of you still isn't entirely convinced you aren't going to hell! Or at least end up homeless from being kicked out and disowned.

So I see this part of the song as demons taunting you. The demons being your own self-hatred and the subliminal or even direct messaging you got from your authority figures. If I were to transcribe what I hear in these lyrics...

Hey look, a shell of a person!

Keep dancing for me, little bitch! (Scaramouche)

I am so scared of getting punished and hurt!

Ha, loser! You little heretic! (Galileo) You think you're so clever (Figaro) and important (Magnifico)!

So the Galileo, Figaro, Magnifico part is name-calling. Which you fall for because you're sense of self only just sprouted out of the sidewalk that is your mind.

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Still not used to being confident, you attempt to defend yourself, but you're kinda just wallowing in self-pity.

"I swear I don't think I'm better than anyone! I just want to do my own thing! I don't hate the mormon church, I just disagree with it! And you're definitely not the reason I'm in therapy, mom & dad, but I totally understand why you asked! (Aw man, I can't trust my parents at all! I'm hopeless!)"

Wow, real confident.

He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity

But the deeper, more real, compassionate, and self-confident part of you knows the truth. It says, okay sure, you are a poor kid. But does any other poor kid deserve to be treated like this? No! Stand up for that kid!

You have to treat this self-assured part of yourself almost as a different sort of being because you don't trust yourself so much. It's not you asserting yourself because that would be selfish of course! So instead, it's god or a little voice or a call that is directing you to be confident. Or it's you being confident but for the sake of a little kid in your exact situation.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let me go!) Will not let you go (Let me go!) Never let you go (Never, never, never, never let me go) Oh oh oh oh No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Because you're not self-assured yet, the self-doubting & self-loathing parts of you war against the self-confident parts that know what's right for you. So you feel like you're doing mental gymnastics. What's wrong and right anymore? Is it really okay to drink coffee? Is it okay to throw out spoiled milk? Do I deserve a raincoat? Might my parents actually be...bad at parenting?

Notice that the high-pitched angel-like voices that were standing up for him transform into his own voice. "Let him go" becomes "let ME go." It's like those parts are integrating into a whole and you're realizing you genuinely think you deserve better.

Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia (Mamma mia, let me go) Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me

You want your parents (mamma mia!) or whoever is holding power over you to just change and accept you so you don't have to stand up to them. But that ain't necessarily happening. You cannot control them. You can't control anything but you. Not having control is scary! You can lose everything!

But with everything lost, you're the only thing left. Just you. But you can still think for yourself, control yourself. For the first time in this search of who you're supposed to be, you realize that you were there all along. And that feels powerful. You might even wanna stand up for yourself.

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die? Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Cue permission to be ANGRY. You aren't being fooled anymore, you see what they've done to you. And now that you actually see yourself as valuable, you're not gonna take that shit anymore. "Yes dad, I am an exmormon. Yes, that does convey a sense of animosity. I did buy new shoes for myself so that I don't hurt my feet. And I like drinking tea and watching R-rated movies." I'm such a rebel.

Ooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Any way the wind blows

Before, nothing mattered to you because you were only shown how to be a doormat. Now, nothing matters to you because you're only doing what you want now, nobody else's opinions really matter. I know what's important now, so life can come at me bro. I'm not what other people think of me, my talents, my failures, my achievements, nada. I'm just me and I'm gonna do whatever and quit worrying about being worthy all the time. You do you. Leave me to me. Any way the wind blows.

Of course, trauma means you fall back into the same patterns a lot and keep having to remember your worth, so life's not all wrapped up with a bow now. But, once you realize your opinions and feelings matter, it's hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. There is nothing that can convince me to run back to the Mormons. But I do keep finding time and time again more ways in which I still don't fully trust myself. It's hard feeling like I'm going in circles finding shortcomings I didn't even know were there, but I feel like I'm spiraling up now.

So that's my exmormon/cptsd-fueled interpretation of Bohemian Rhapsody. It really is such a great song with so many interpretations. Some songs you remember the first time hearing it and even fewer songs get even better as you go back to it, you know? Anyway, thanks for reading and tolerating the gifs!

[whatareudoinginmyhouse]

ramble warning below↓

I've had this thought kinda just sitting in my head for a while but I was feeling to lazy to post about it but I kinda feel like this song

kinda fits/describes Peepers' character development/arc in the show

So basically the song how I interpret it is about a person who constantly bends over backwards and sucks up to someone to please them finally snapping and standing up for themselves

This heavily reminds me of Peepers his character development throughout the series when it came to his Dynamic(idk if that's the right term) with Lord Hater

In the beginning of season 1 Peepers can be seen basically sucking up and doing whatever he can to stay on Lord Hater's good side + in the beginning of season 1 Peepers was kinda scared of Lord Hater and didn't back talk him at all.

But as season 1 progresses Peepers gains more of a spine and stops sucking up to Lord Hater as much and starts actually talking back, a good example of his character development in Season 1 in my opinion is in the brain storm where Lord Hater and Peepers quite literally butt heads over which plan to use to conquer a planet, in the episode Peepers can been seen arguing with Lord Hater, an example of this is when near the end of the episode when Lord Hater and Peepers were going back and forth about various ways Wander and Sylvia could ruin their plan and in the end of this bit Peepers ends up snapping at Lord Hater where as Peepers at the beginning of the season probably would've been to scared to even think about talking back to Lord Hater. But despite this Peepers still kind of sucks up to Lord Hater during the beginning of the episode by discarding a plan when Lord Hater finds out a way Wander and Sylvia could ruin the plan.

In season 2 is where we start to see more of Peepers' character development and we start see him really define himself as a character and start taking less of Lord Hater's disrespect, for example in the greater hater when Hater sees all the cool weapons Lord Dominator has Lord Hater yells at Peepers basically blaming him for the fact that they don't have all the stuff LD has instead of apologizing and sucking up to Lord Hater like he would've done in season 1 he instead yells back at Lord Hater blaming him and explaining that they could've had all the cool stuff Dominator had if he didn't need(want) all the stuff he mentioned in his rant. This only one of the many times Peepers has shown this development in his character.

+as the series progresses and we as viewers see Lord Hater become more incompetent we see Peepers fear Lord Hater less and less, and by the time Lord Dominator comes in season 2 all that fear Peepers had towards Lord Hater in the beginning of season 1 is pretty much gone (+ he becomes pretty sick of lord Hater's bs when he's trying to date Dominator)

Quick summary: I believe the song the contortionist by Melanie Martinez describes Peepers' character arc because the song is about someone who's constantly kissing up and bending over backwards to please someone finally snapping. And this reminds me of Peepers because he goes from sucking up to Lord Hater and being low-key scared of him before he had finally enough of Lord Hater's bs and stopped sucking up to him and actually started standing up for himself

(I'm so sorry if you decided to read all of this 😭)

[wastelandkatze]

ENTRY 1: First Time [NSFW]

ft. child!Mortis (my Dark Urge Mephistopheles tiefling), her unnamed foster father, and Mur'sser (eventual mentor of Mortis)

Dark Urge spoilers! CW: Graphic violence TW: cult, cann!bal!stic tendencies, descriptions/scenarios similar to ch!ld ass4ult/gr0om!ng, g0re if i missed out any tws, pls let me know!

click here to visit the actual docx! i coloured it to be more immersive!

“Somebody, help please!”

The apathetic crowd refused to turn an eye for the pleading blue tiefling. It was the district’s slums after all; a single cry for help had never been an irregular occurrence there. It’s just another day for the rest of them. One snarky lady almost pushed him out of her way, if not for the sorry little tiefling he held in his arms. He paced his walking, desperately looking in every corner he passed by. In his head, he repeats what the merchant from Rivington said: ‘a dark elf named Mur'sser, who used to be a cleric, lives near the docks’, ‘charges for less gold’, then ‘a graffiti of a spider with a missing leg’.

His eyes fled towards every wall packing the street until the heather-skinned girl wrapped around his arms groaned. Her face was scrunched and damp with tears, “The noises… they hurt, papa.”

“Shh, remember what I taught you, little Morg,” he whispered, slowing his pace down, not wanting to contribute more to her pain, “Think of that one shell you liked to play with: Imagine you’re holding it to your ear. Hear how gentle the ocean waves kiss the shore.”

“I’m trying, but everything’s too loud,” she winced, her small, quivering palms cupping her ears to mute her surroundings.

“I know, Morg. Don’t worry, we’re almost there.” Though the promise seemed empty for the meantime, her father assured her, “We’ll make sure that your headaches will go away. For good, this time.”

“Promise?”

He paused from his urgency, taking a moment to smoothen the worry of his face, then beaming a tender smile towards his beloved daughter. Though the light at the end of this tunnel is nowhere to be seen, he will cling onto hope. He won’t let whatever curse take Morgana away from him, not like how he lost his baby boy to an illness in the past. No more.

He sneaked a kiss on the gap between her furrowed brows, “I promise, my little Morg.”

As the setting of the sun dimmed the sky, torches started lighting up each block, and sketchier people with hoods and glinted daggers slowly littered the pavement. With no desire to be entangled in trouble, he took this as an initiative to search harder, being more wary of his surroundings until he passed by a dark nook with a striking insignia. Retracing his rushed steps, he finally exhaled the breath he was holding. There it was: a menacing spider with only seven limbs, the missing one’s paint– or is it blood? - seemingly scratched off, encircled by painted crimson droplets. He stared at the door by the end of the descending staircase. No friendly invitation, except for the warm light the hooded lantern above the door emanates.

“See, little Morg? We’re here,” he told her as he dismounted the cold stone steps. The child, Morgana, huddled closer to her father, feeling more fear now than pain. “I’m scared,” she whimpered as they arrived at the front door. “Me too,” he answered, hovering his fist on the door, “but we can be scared together. I won’t leave you alone,” then knocked.

A small panel slid open, revealing eyes as red as the symbol above. Eyes that gripped his chest. Eyes that screamed danger. But then he is reminded of the few gold coins that had been jingling in his pockets, then of the countless clerics who abandoned them after learning of Morgana’s unexplained curse, then of his son who died because he lacked the money to compensate. He knew that he mustn't hesitate with this opportunity.

Panic spilled from his lips, “I-I’m looking for Mur'sser? I’ve been told that he could cure my daughter. I don’t have that much gold, b-but I’ll do anything you ask to pay the rest! Just please, please help my little girl.”

The eyes that stared through him now shifted to his sobbing daughter who is still hiding her face on his chest. These eyes widened, followed by a succession of bolts being unlocked. The door swung open, a strong whiff of astringent and iron welcoming them, “Head inside.”

Each tap of his boots eerily echoed, giving him chills that ran down his spine. The room is almost pitch black, especially with the door now closed, yet he could ascertain that the jars lining up the shelves contained grisly articles he shouldn’t have noticed. He’s unsure whether it’s him who is trembling in uneasiness now or Morgana, but to his surprise, she’s oddly calmer now, slowly unveiling her face from his shirt and subtly sniffing the room’s sickly aroma. It’s strange, but maybe it’s the scent of some exotic Underdark medicine. Pushing all horrific thoughts aside, he settled with the possibility of his daughter getting better at this healer’s hands.

With a snap of fingers, floating blue flames now illuminated the room, revealing two wooden stools that faced each other, a small table with basic medical tools on top, and a rickety chair that faced the furniture. A male drow in a militaristic posture gestured both tieflings to come closer. “Please, sit down,” the drow said. Not said– ordered. The father obeyed, finally relaxing his body on the chair, making it creak. Morgana sat on his lap, her eyes returning the gaze that the drow is uncomfortably holding towards her. This itched him to wrap his arms around Morgana’s waist, keeping her close just in case.

The healer noticed his caution, smirking in hidden satisfaction, then flit his attention towards playing with his tools, “I must say, you are bold to approach an under-elf in the slums of Baldur’s Gate.” The tiefling’s brows knit together, which Mur'sser found amusing, “You do know that the hospital’s just by the opposite direction.”

Whatever type of icebreaker he’s playing does not calm the father down. In fact, it’s filtering his fear with frustration now. Fuming heat fogged his head as he shamelessly confessed all the struggles he had gone through, “None of them can do what you do. We’ve traveled far, searching for a cure that could help her, been kicked out of multiple temples, and…” his head hung low, shaking from remembering all the foul words young Morgana has been called. Their kind is no stranger to awful names for simply looking hellish, but for a meek child like her… Those words the so-called “followers of god” spat, she never deserved to receive. It’s not her fault that she was born with such a curse. If there is anyone to blame, it is whomever bestowed such a cruel thing upon her.

Mur’sser sat on one of the stools, prompting the father to come back to this hopeful reality with pitiful eyes crying out to the drow, “Nevermind. What’s important is that we found you,” then his hand fished out a miserable coin sack from his trousers, gripping it tight in front of the drow, “I swear to hold onto my word and do anything you want. The only thing that matters is my daughter getting cured for good.”

Mur’sser’s eyes sharpened, fully enticed with how the poor tiefling worded his desperation, “Of course. It’s only natural for a father to wish what is best for his child.” Portraying the friendliest smile he could manage, Mur’sser extended a hand towards Morgana, “May I look at you, little one?”

She tilted her head to face her father. After receiving a nod, she hopped onto the floor, minding her balance, and shyly placed her hand on top of the drow’s. Mur’sser reciprocated her touch with the same gentleness, guiding her unsteady self towards the opposite chair.

“What is your name?”

“M-Morgana,” she mumbled.

“Morgana,” he softly repeated, “What a beautiful name for a lovely girl.”

The compliment was effective, the drow noticed, obvious as to how lenient her posture became. She played with the hem of her dress, “But my papa calls me Morg. I like it when he calls me that.”

Mur’sser was about to ask whether she wanted him to call her with the same pet name, but he had been sensing the glare of the tiefling—this filthy hell-blood who claims to be her parent. Ha, what a jest! But somehow, the horned mortal deserved credit for bringing back the girl in one whole piece to her rightful home. And that credit he deserved will be due sooner than he thinks.

“I see,” he simply answered, producing a scalpel from his medical kit. In one swift motion, Mur’sser slit his palm open, causing blood to ooze from it, then smearing it onto Morgana’s lips.

“What the—'' The tiefling shot up from his seat, but Mur’sser was quicker; with a flick of a wrist, the worn-down chair projected barbed tendrils that latched and dug into his limbs and mouth. Mur’sser tutted, wagging his free hand’s finger. A muffled scream rumbled from the man’s throat as thorns pierced his skin, decorating the air with more notes of iron—of fresh blood.

The deranged drow chuckled at the tiefling’s aggressive wriggling, “I will never tire of seeing a worm that embraces its true form.” The restrained man grumbled again, this time like a captured animal insisting that it is still the predator. Mur’sser’s smile dropped, looking down at him, “I’d suggest you stop squirming. You’ll only make things more painful for you. Besides,” then his bloodied hand caressed Morgana’s cheek before turning her to face him, “There is nothing wrong with her. Those low lives know nothing of her potential—of who she really is.”

The father shuddered under the sight of his daughter: her faint pink eyes turned darker than ever, and her small frame shivered… as if she was drugged. His precious little Morg’s lack of reaction to his state hurt him more than the spikes digging into his skin. What did he do to her?

“I assume you have questions,” Mur’sser quirked, “and answers you shall have."

Keeping her blank expression, Morgana shakingly faced the delicious-looking flesh in the form of a hand that was offered to her. Like a lost puppy, she tilted her head towards Mur’sser, just waiting. Mur’sser nodded, “No biting. Just your tongue, little one.”

To the father’s horror, he witnessed his little girl lap the blood on the drow’s palm, like she never had a drink in her entire life. Her tiny, once innocent hands even pulled her treat closer through the fingers, lips suckling on the open skin with the intent of draining the blood out of it. To further mock the puny mortal watching this spectacle, the drow stroked the girl’s hair over and over again.

Tears streamed down the tiefling’s face, salt mixing with the blood seeping from his forehead, changing the scent of the air once again. He is violated by how this grown stranger disgustingly touched his daughter like she is his pet. Oh, how he wanted to lunge at this lunatic, if not for his helpless state.

As soon as Morgana started frantically rubbing her cheeks on the gaping wound, Mur’sser retracted his hand, careful to not accidentally hurt the girl. “No more,” he said, setting his foot down before she completely gets lost into this guilty pleasure. She breathes rapidly, mouth clumsily stained with crimson as drool dripped from her lips.

The drow unsheathed a unique dagger from his side: a knife with a crooked, red blade held by a ring furnished with teeth-like projections in its center, then a handle with serrated grooves, akin to the anatomy of a tiefling’s skin.

“Do you want more, little one?”

Morgana nodded, more excited than ever.

“As you rightfully deserve,” then he opened her palms to place down the dagger that’s as long as her arm. The girl discovered a strange familiarity with the blade, taking a moment to scan it with pure, youthful curiosity. Without fazing, a voice only she could hear cordially welcomed her back to its embrace, introducing itself once again through the way Morgana easily adjusted to the weight of her family’s heirloom. Bloodthirst, it whispered.

“Blood… thirst…” Morgana repeated.

Mur’sser knew that Bhaal had reunited with his child, almost dropping to his knees to worship the demigod that now stood beside him. He digressed, noting that there will be a proper time and place for that, unraveling the vines around the shocked tiefling while leaving only one firm tendril on his mouth. The mortal had long ceased from writhing like a pathetic wimp, traumatized by what he had witnessed. His lacerated body remained frozen, even when the little girl he once carried in his arms as a quiet babe raised the dagger at him.

“You need not do anything for me. In fact, you will be the cure, if you want to call it that. You should consider this an honor: to be the one to shepherd the lost back to her true father’s arms.”

“I… thirst…” Morgana muttered.

As the tiefling shed his last peaceful tear before his vision completely blackened, the last words he heard from Murr’ser were, “After all, it’s only natural for a father to wish what is best for his child,” then the cold blade ultimately plunged his abdomen.

Morgana stabbed the man she called ‘papa’…

Over, and over again until blood sprayed her lavender face with splotches of red and eventually puddled the floor.

And over, and over again until shreds of darkened, blue skin cluttered around them like autumn leaves on a park’s ground.

And over, and over again until the glistening walls of his guts gradually brimmed the wide opening.

And over, and over again until the engorged length of what remained of his intestines uncoiled onto the open surface.

And over, and over again until it matched the artistic vision her father expects of her—of Mortis, Bhaal’s beloved little artist.

divider by @saradika-graphics

[outragedtortilla]

I think for the longest time I didn't want to document my journey in exploring whether I'm autistic or not because I was really scared of "being wrong" after using the wrong terminology when I first started (e.g., accidentally using person first language than identity first language and getting some nasty dms about it, even if grounded in advocacy). I want to smash that fear FOR THE REASON that it's not binary. Some people think they're autistic, seek a diagnosis, and get diagnosed. But there are more nuanced situations too. Some people think they're autistic, and are never able to get a diagnosis for different factors; or sometimes don't want one because of the barriers included. SOme people think they're autistic, seek a diagnosis and the clinician just doesn't know what autism CAN look like for people who are high masking, and the result is that they don't receive the diagnosis despite really fitting the picture of autism; that's a weight to carry when subsequence services you access aren't really tailored to those needs. Some people got assessed when they were kids and were told they aren't autistic, but the CRITERIA CHANGED sometime in their lives to be more inclusive and less specific and they have no idea that what they experienced are now INCLUDED in that diagnosis. Importantly, given all of these situations are important to acknowledge, you can also think you're autistic and not be, but experience social difficulties or RRB-like behaviour for other reasons. Autism advocacy is strong, with a supportive community, and for that reason thsi diagnosis might be the first time someone with any characteristics that aren't well-supported might stop internalizing these characteristics as a person failure, but as something they can advocate for help with. It doesn't mean that it's specifically autism, but it's a starting point as well. I really soften that last point because I never want it to be taken out of context to mean that people who seek diagnosis, especially when high masking, are WRONG; but that the situation can be less binary than that. It's always a starting point, and it highlights that someone needs help with something and they're not fitting in with their environment. I think that's where I am right now with that. I don't know that I'm autistic; I support the concept of self-diagnosis, AND, for me, it's not enough to self-diagnose; I wish I knew, for sure. I also noticed a significant change in my social behaviour and whether I felt like I belonged once I was out of a shitty racist community. It doesn't mean that my social difficulties were gone, but a lot of it improved, to the point that it was before (which was not great, but also functional enough that no one would ever question). I think that's a really hard complexity to hold in a binary world. And I'm holding it, because I can't be the only one holding complexity in a binary world.

LD / July 2023

[lifewithoutmeds]

may 17, 2023

Day 4 of AH’s routine, and i think it’s going pretty well.

i don’t have a lot of difficulty getting up around 6/6:30 and i’m kinda used to morning walks but they’d become less regular now that i don’t have a dedicated dog to walk, it’s not hard to walk 10-15 minutes on my own. it’s kinda nice because it’s like the streets are mine, the world is mine. also i kinda like drinking electrolyte/lemon water so that’s not a chore. and i’ve uh sorta started to like my cold showers too, so .... so far so good.

today i did all the things. the morning routine, the full shower, the checking off of the checklist, and hit all my marks with my weight loss: 15k steps, 80-100 grams of protein, 20 minute strength training, and caloric deficit. i didn’t sleep too well last night so i’m going to try and wind down a little earlier and see if i can stay off my phone starting at around 8 and i’ll try to just read before sleeping.

i have noticed though, and maybe it’s not causal, but my sleep has been better for the past couple days (with last night as an exception.) i also feel less inclined to nap during lunch and because i need my 15k it’s almost impossibly without at least a 30 minute mid-day walk.

excited to be camping next week. trying to carve out a bit of time each day starting today in preparing for it, writing my lists of what i need to bring, going over my fishing rods/tackle. rhi won’t be able to make it so i’ll be on my own, until LD and her gf meet me later. it’ll be my first time camping alone! a little scared and a little excited. i also started listening to a podcast about how much diet affects the brain/mood/psychological disorders. apparently ketosis, fasting, and many drugs were first used to help epilepsy, and there’s starting to be studies on how they can help with major psychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia, anxiety, and depression. people with chronic disorders who are “treatment-resistant” have found themselves much improved by changing their diet and i’m wondering whether i’m just psyching myself out or there really is a causal nature to how i’m feeling these days and my limiting my intake of sweets/refined carbs and looking to load up on protein. i’m finding that i almost have to supplement my protein and/or eat More because i’m just not getting enough from my normal foods. i think i have to eat some combination of chicken and eggs daily to get my requisite protein needs.

anyhoo. feeling hopeful. 

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

243 of 2023

Another TMI since I got into the subject.

PART 1:  LDS Sexual Experience and Attitudes--Childhood thru College

General Background What is your gender?

Male.

What is your current marital status?

Married.

What is your current status in the Church?

No.

What is your current age?

32.

Childhood At what age did you learn about sex?

Quite late, I think. I didn’t understand things yet while being abused.

Did you receive "The Talk" about sex? If so, who gave you "The Talk" about sex?

Not from my parents, but from my grandma.

What was your experience with "The Talk"?

I was embarrassed.

How did you expand your understanding about the basics of sex?

Never went into it further as a kid.

Were you exposed to explicit sexual images as a child?

Not really.

Were you sexually abused or touched by another child or another adult?

Yeah, but as an early teenager.

Puberty At what age did you go through puberty?

I think it went at full blast when I was 14.

What was your experience with puberty?

It was kinda nightmare. Alml these changes in my body, omg.

Did you experience a change in your sexual drive after passing through puberty?

Yeah, it went higher, which is apparently normal for guys. I’ve never been happy about it.

Teenager As a teen, how would you categorize yourself sexually?

I didn’t have sex with anyone because I didn’t want to.

As a teenager, what information did you consult to learn more about sexuality?

Self-esearch lol.

As a teen, did you have an adult that you could trust with confidential questions about sex?

Yes, my grandma.

Did you make comparisons of yourself to others?

I did, mostly in height and weight. Not in the size of genitals, though.

How did you consider yourself in comparison to others?

Fat. Thze thing is, I’ve never been really fat.

As a pre-teen/teenager, were sleepovers an outlet for any of the following sexual experimentation?

Didn’t have sleepovers.

Did you masturbate with frequency as a teen?

Yeah. I hated myself for doing it, but at the same time I was frustrated that the relief after releasing the tension was so short-lasting.

Did you make an effort to stop masturbating?

Yeah, but my body was scaring and annoying me.

Did you break the Law of Chastity as a teen?

WTF is that even?

As a teen, did you engage in any of the following sexual activities with another person?

Never engaged in any because I didn’t want anyone to touch me.

Were you comfortable discussing sex with friends?

No. I’ve been always shy about such things.

Did you participate in any kind of same-sex experimentation as a teen?

NO, but I discovered that I like other guys, not girls.

Did you look at pornography as a teen?

Yeah, but just for lolz. I’ve never been turned on by it.

As a teen, did you view masturbation and/or pornography a violation of the Law of Chastity?

What is Law of Chastity?

As a teen, did you confess to a Priesthood Leader regarding violations of the Law of Chastity?

I don’t identify with any religion and I’ve never felt the need to confess it to others.

Did the Priesthood leader take disciplinary action?

N/A.

Looking back, what do you wish you had understood about sex as a teenager?  What would you want teens to understand?

I wish I had the chance to understand that sex is nothing wrong.

College Did you go to an LDS-sponsored College or University? (i.e. BYU, Ricks, LDS Business College, etc.)

No, never heard of it.

Were your roommate(s) LDS?

I don’t even know what it is.

Do you feel your exposure to sex drastically increased at college?

Yeah, everyone seemed to be more open about it.

Was masturbation an issue for you during college?

I was still doing it in private.

Did your masturbatory habits change in College?

No, it stayed more or less the same.

Was masturbation a common practice for a roommate?

I’ve never had a roommate.

Was sex a topic of discussion with roommates?

N/A.

Were you and/or your roommates comfortable with nudity and/or limited clothing in your dorm or apartment?

N/A.

Were you ever sexually aroused or did you fantasize about a roommate?

N/A.

In college, did you engage in any of the following sexual activities with another person?

I’ve had my first boyfriend, but we’ve never had sex. Just kissing, which I wasn’t into.

Did you participate in any kind of same-sex experimentation in college?

As I said, I had a boyfriend.

Did you look at pornography in college?

Just for lolz, but I found it boring.

In college, did you view masturbation and/or pornography a violation of the Law of Chastity?

What is even that question.

During college, did you confess to a Priesthood Leader regarding violations of the Law of Chastity?

Nope lol, I’m not even religious.

Did the Priesthood Leader take disciplinary action?

N/A.

As a college student, what do you wish you had understood about sex?

That it’s okay not to want it.

[now-we-say-c0ral]

March 16, 2023

This day has been very eventful to say the least.

Woke up at around 7am today. Beat Eddie in Wordle today. Was a tad bit late at work. Ate my lunch around 8am because I was scrubbing for an open septorhinoplasty. It's one of my favorite ENT procedures to scrub in. During closure, I had a needle stick injury with a used suture from the patient. It was completely my fault to be honest. Did protocol but was kind of bummed. That really caused my mood to decline for the rest of the day. On a happier note, my VISA application that I did on Tuesday was accepted and my new BRP ID will be sent to my via courier in 7-10 days. Even with that, my mood couldn't be restored. Went to OH and had adamantly requested to the OH nurse that I take my own bloods and I did it in one go. They'll be monitoring the blood sample taken from the patient to see whether he has any bloodborne infections. Bought Goodra in Pokemon Unite during my free time and did a Plastic list with sister Leela in the afternoon. It was an okay list. After my shift I went upstairs to Main Theatres because I was on a LD shift and good thing there weren't any emergency procedures that came. We were sent early in the evening around half past 7 in the evening. Planned to do some home workout but decided to go the gym but when I tried to do squats I got a bad headache. I got a foreboding feeling that if I continue this I might pop a vein or something so just walked back home.

Tonight's intrusive thoughts when I was walking to and fro the gym was how I feel like I'm not loved the way I need to be loved. I get it. I shouldn't be his sun that he revolves around and he has other things in his life too but I'm just not used to this feeling. I'm making this all about me. I'm actively, and the keyword is actively trying not to give him any more than I should. I'll just feel disappointed when I don't get the same energy. All I really want is to be seen, to be spoken to, to be looked at with eyes that understands that there's a poor boy inside me and how he can't help but feel insecure and scared. Conversely, I don't want to ask for more from him. I've done it so many times in the past and I don't really want to hope and get disappointed yet again. So, for now, less is better. I have so much to give it's actually physically painful, like chest pain and shit painful, to not give him but I think I shouldn't.

I'm grateful for friends who ask me if I'm alright and who notice when I'm silent. I see you guys!

[nerdygaymormon]

i keep hearing people at church and seminary talk about how the world talks about how you can marry whoever you want like men with men and ladies with ladies, and trans people existing in the mix too. it hurts to hear it from the presidency but i don’t know them much, and it hurts even more to hear it from leaders i really liked and from friends and teachers i liked. they say it like it’s bad to marry who we want, and like we’re crazy to want something like this, and it’s making me really doubt myself and my gender and sexuality. i don’t know if i want for them to be right, and for me to just be able to get over it, or if i want them to be wrong, and still not be able to do anything because of the rules in the church. i used to imagine that if the church really does finally have an open pro lgbtq talk, and they changed all their policies, everything would change for the better, but now i struggle to imagine my leaders and friends talking about it, i can’t imagine them ever having something positive to say about me or anyone else. im scared that if we did finally change the rules, people would still hate us and think we’re crazy, and the church would change back.

Yes, they mock the idea that two people who love each other should be allowed to get married...unless the couple is a cis male & a cis female. They like to claim allowing queer people to marry will somehow destroy marriage and destroy families and lead to the downfall of civilization.

I still haven't heard any explanation behind those dire predictions. If anything, queer people fighting for the right to marry showed how important and valuable the institution of marriage is.

A lot of them repeat what they've heard the apostles say and what the lesson manual says to teach. If the Church does eventually have pro-LGBTQ+ policies and teachings, many of these individuals will get in line. 

There's many who won't and that may be part of the big resistance from the Church to move forward, waiting for them to die off or catch up to the culture (aka, 'the world') around them which is becoming increasingly queer affirming.

Because the 'official' and 'approved' messages are what we usually hear at church, it's easy to not see that a big shift is taking place.

In a 2007 U.S. poll, only 24% of Mormons agreed that "homosexuality is a way of life that should be accepted," less than any other major religious group in the survey except for Jehovah's Witnesses, and 2 out of 3 (68%) Latter-day Saints said it should be discouraged.

A similar poll in 2014 showed 36% said homosexuality should be accepted and 57% said it should be discouraged. Not terrific but that's a 50% increase from 24% to 36% in 7 years. Only 27% supported gay marriage.

According to a poll three years later in 2017, support for gay marriage among Mormons was at 40%. Among Mormons between the ages of 18-29, 52% supported gay marriage, which is up from 43% in 2014.

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who are 65-and-older have the lowest rate of support for gay marriage at 32%, that’s up from 18% in 2014, which is a 56% increase in support.

I haven't seen any polls since then that break out support for gay marriage by Mormons, but I'm certain it's increased over the past 4 years and likely is above 50%.

Here's the other things, the number of queer people in the church is far larger than people think. Given the greater social acceptance of queer people, the legal protections we've won, and more access to knowledge about queer identities, far more people feel safe enough to come out than has ever happened before.

A 2020 poll shows 23% of Gen Zers who identify as LDS say they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or other. The generation following Gen Z is even queerer. As you can see with previous generations, queer people tend not to stick around so much. In the past it was the individual who left, today their family tends to exit with them. Is the Church willing to lose such huge swaths of its membership to hold onto its bigotry?

Change is inevitable. One, because the numbers of members who support change is growing. Two, because there's no doctrinal basis for forbidding gay marriage among members or denying gender identities. Anyone who says otherwise, it's on them to produce the revelation that says the Church shouldn't allow gay marriage or should oppose transgender transitioning, and what years those were received.

It's easy to feel alone, that you're the only one in your ward and maybe even your stake who feels different from the message being taught. I have seen that when someone comes out, a number of teachers suddenly become much more sensitive in how they discuss these topics, as if they weren't really committed to such a hardline all along.

Meanwhile, I'm glad you have queerstake on Tumblr and queerward on Discord. We love and support you and believe God wants the best for us.

[ryuichirou]

Aren't you afraid of antis?

Oh we used to be.

It’s so bizarre to look back now and think about how we were discussing whether we should post Ereri at all or not.  Or whether we should tag it as Ereri. Or whether we should post only not romantic interactions with them. Or whether we should post it on our main acc or maybe post it on our nsfw acc instead, just in case.

When you see all these stories about people being harassed, bullied, kicked out of fandoms and threatened for just shipping something wrongly, you start to get super paranoid, especially when you don’t post very often and don’t know what to expect. We expected a fucking disaster lol We were actually wrong and expected Tumbl to be a hellhole before we found out that it moved to Twitter.

We were so sure that the moment we post Ereri the world would end. And then we thought that maybe it’s ok to post Ereri, but we shouldn’t tag it, or the world would end. And then we thought that maybe posting 19 y.o. Eren is ok, but if we post 15 y.o. Eren with Levi, the world would end. It’s fucking sad how sure we were that someone would think that we deserve to be condemned for this and that we’ll instantly get 10 callout threads and stuff. I remember that I was pretty upset and angry back then, because it felt so unfair and stupid. Why would a bunch of random people decide what we can and cannot post for us?

At the same time we saw that there were people who post Ereri, and it seemed like it was ok; this ship had its own fandom, active fans, etc… And we kinda wanted to throw our Ereri on Tumblr and Twi because we haven’t seen their dynamic portrayed the way we draw it in the western fandom tbh?

So we had a choice to make: either we don’t post anything, don’t risk it and as a result don’t get to share our take on Ereri (which I still consider interesting and not so popular...) or we post it and take the risk of becoming a target for loud and aggressive antis who want our blood. It didn’t really help that we like multiple ships and a lot of other shippers (esp Eruri shippers) hate Ereri too, they still despise us.

And then we started posting it and nothing happened. A couple of peeps complained about Zevi I guess, but that’s it for now lol

Of course there are still people who go “you can ship anything BUT don’t ship Ereri” and “if you ship this you support irl criminals” when they see this type of content, and there certainly are people who think drawing Ereri is a waste of talent and that harassing artists online is somehow fixing irl problems with c**ld p*rn*graphy and that it’s better to protect the feelings of 2d boys even if it means they end up ruining a real person’s mental health. But at this point ehhh I’m not as scared of them. Being able to block the most vocal antis (not even from the snk fandom lol) and mute certain words helped a lot to calm me down.

Of course, there’s still stuff that we’re not comfortable with posting and idk if we’ll ever be.

But I personally worry about antis much less right now. Maybe I just got used to this feeling that at any second someone can think that we’ve had enough of that sweet fandom attention and try to cancel us lol

It sucks though.

[lokbobpop]

Child children childhood

Biologically, a child (plural children) is a human being between the stages of birth and puberty, or between the developmental period of infancy and puberty. The legal definition of child generally refers to a minor, otherwise known as a person younger than the age of majority.

From Middle English child, from Old English ċild (“fetus; female baby; child”), from Proto-Germanic *kelþaz (“womb; fetus”), from Proto-Indo-European *ǵelt- (“womb”).

Child c hild chi ld c hill d

Writing the word child

You know id rather the use the word child children than i would kid even though i do right out kid probably because i cant be bothered to think about how to write out children out thinking ill get it wrong when speaking i usually use kid also but would like to use child children but see i think i might be judged as old fashioned or sill for going so. So thing brings to mind how i let myself be manipulated by what others think what i say which i most certainly do most of the time as not to get judged but as something as most simple as this do i really need to know i dont hey i just need to be authentic me.

Children writing the thoughts of children young innocent thoughts of how it was in the sixths seventies and being a child

Childhood i thing my childhood was ok my dad wasn’t drinking to get angry as much then thanks fully that started a few years later

Reading the word child or children childhood

Yes much better im not a baby goat lol

Or am i really being old fashioned nothing wrong with the word kids i could use both when ever i wanted as lone as it wasn’t within energy like would i say it in from of some people and not others as then I would be manipulated within it interesting thought

Children’s books are lovely great pictures i looked to look at the pictures hey and nowadays the the picture are so amazing i think i would of loved to see the pictures if i was a child now.

My childhood i think of school play outside playing in the fields being disappointed in myself at school why could i read why was i behind the others I couldn’t understand ho wit was so easy for others and not myself it felt unfair nice teachers horrible teachers

Saying out loud child children childhood

Your just a child what do you know thoughts of being called a child as in not being very mature and being immature comes up or saying something to some one your a child grow up judgement of an event.

Children playing in the play ground fear came up of a girl that was horrible mean i think she’s dead now well i hope so not a pleasant person any way she picked on my friend and I didn’t stand up for her i even moved away and left her in the situation she was scared and so was i but i left her and i felt guilt, also to my friend i was mean i made her put some crap on a stick and took it outside the toilet I know until this day she felt ashamed of this but so do i we cant now be close she has this underlying anger i hope she can let go one day as not to bother her adult life anymore with thoughts of being upset towards me. When we went to big school i missed her friendship as i had no one int he class i had.

My childhood i think was pretty good as i said dad wasn’t purposely getting drunk and angry i mean it did happen but not everyday under 10 years of age

I child called Jeremy mills hitting me with a book on the head I remember it made me cry it hurt a lot he was an angry kid but i was surprised when the girl Michelle dean stood up for me as i thought she didn’t actually like me at that moment because i used to copy everyone when we did class work and i think it annoyed them me coping all the time they would hide there work so i felt left out not liked i feel now i sat nest to dawn i a class before that i see it annoyed them to share what they did but with Angela she didn’t mind shed copy my math not sure why as when we got higher her math was better than mine.

Watching the women’s open tennis match at Wimbledon maybe 76 when Virginia wade won the hole class got to watch it with miss Queensborough

Ok so babysitting and making the little girl jump off the stool knickers less wasn’t a good idea got me pushed down the bank on the way home from school a bit of a fuck up there but i think it had to do with being flashed at an early age i was like whats these feeling are about its just a shame it came out like this but im sorry it obviously upset a family what i did do i how this also makes my childhood not so great with doing these things what was i thinking i affected what people thought of me and then that made me feel bad about myself and with not being very good at school. How do you feel right now ? Im in regret of what ive done im sorry for what i done but also it wasn’t a bad thing what i done just wrong and definitely not something i should sentence myself to feeling bad for the rest of my life over which i have seem to have done as it has made me feel dirty about myself we are so affected by our childhood we need to be safe feel safe we need to be better parents. How can i help myself get over my childhood your ok it’s alright it wasn’t that bad and it turned out alright your ok you can let it go you dont need it anymore it doesnt have to define you anymore you dont have to feel yucky dirty not good enough its ok your good now let it go its gone breathe.

Sf

Does this definition support me no lots of polarity here of my childhood being good scary and being mean to my friend and knowing how are childhood affects us my biggest problem was not being like others at school and being as in reading and writing and really upset at myself and not understanding why I couldn’t do it.

Child ch i held

Children child run

Childhood child hood

Child a young person learning life

Children young persons learning life

Childhood when you try to make sense of the word and your place in it anything can happen but you get over it you move on past and you dont take whats not needed with you you let stuff go and do whats best fro you and others at all times by apply sf breathe self love but see realizing and understanding that things happen which must be forgiven to lead a healthy adult life

How will you live this word ?

I will live this words to support me in letting go of my own dislikes of my own childhood my regrets with self respect self love to move past so the me now can move on be whole

[riot-dog]

I don't know where else to turn. Just to warn, nsfw. I'm a 21 year old trans man, been with my cis male partner for less than a year and I think I'm pregnant. Nobody knows. I'm pre-t but I've only had anal and oral sex, protected everytime. I haven't had a period since early may and I've shown every symptom except vomiting. I haven't taken a pregnancy test. I thought I couldn't get pregnant. I thought I was intersex. I can't have a child, LD's run in both fams and SIDS runs in mine. What do?

Okay sorry for taking so long to respond. I’m trans myself and I’ve had plenty of pregnancy scares so I know exactly what you’re going through, stress can make a lot of things scary, during my pregnancy scare (3 months) I didn’t have my period and I also showed plenty of the signs. Believe it or not stress can cause a lot of side effects including loss of period stomach pain and cravings. Please buy a pregnancy test, dollar store pregnancy tests work well if you’re on a budget! Also please go see a doctor and prepare for every outcome, I hope I helped and I’m here for you.

Also please try to contact @whoneedssexed they can offer a lot more info then I ever could

[rainbow-scarab]

It’s fanfiction time!!

A mini crossover between @kuttiesstuff​‘s Human Candy AU and LanternDay AU (but mostly LanternDay).

I found out about LD Sans's story a few days ago looking through Kuttie's art tag (I had seen him in the Twitchy Timeloop comic but didn't really know what he was about). Aaaaaaaaand somehow a fanfiction happened XD

I've taken some liberties with the AUs, especially since there's only so much revealed about LanternDay (as well as some things I didn't notice went against canon until it was too late WHOOPS), but I hope it's fun anyway. ...Pretend everyone speaks German lol I don't want to butcher it with my attempts

(Also....this is the first fanfic I've actually completed since like....2009 o__o;;; I'm not much of a writer. But I still enjoyed myself c: )

Title: Tastes Like Home

-------------------------------

Chance wasn't used to the stares he was getting from monsterkind on his long trip back to Snowdin from the surface. In fact, he wasn't used to any part of the journey--that's what teleporting was for! But today that wasn't an option. Not for a human.

Of course, he had been human all along! But now it was visible to the outside world (even if no one recognized him anymore as "Sans"). Ever since he found that one universe with its unique candy... Well, it had only been a day, but already it was a new chapter in his life--he just knew it! He'd finally be able to go home, whole, in his body... The universe had promised him.

When it would happen, he didn't know. But in the meantime, he explored the surface. This time, where other humans could recognize him as such, and he could fit in! Malls, movies, food........he could be just another human teenager.

But human teens had to sleep eventually, so it was back to his house in Snowdin. A big grin spread across his face as he walked. He couldn't wait to tell Papyrus about his day.

---

Papyrus pounded the bread dough with all his might. And again, and again. It made an odd crunch each time.

It had been two days since Sans came home from another universe, ate some strange magic food, turned into a human, and ran off excited! Leaving the Great Papyrus behind!!

He punched the dough so hard it flew off the counter, joining half a dozen others on the floor. He sighed and started on another. At least one loaf of his surely soon-to-be-famous spaghetti noodle bread had made it to the oven.

Sans had seemed so happy in this human form. But there was no reason he had to go off by himself. He would have gone with him, if he even knew he was going somewhere! It frustrated Papyrus to no end. But most of all, he was worried. Worried at how long Sans had been gone. Worried that he was alone as a squishy human. And worried that....

That...........

Papyrus didn't want to think about it, and he threw himself back into breadmaking. Grillby was out there looking for him anyway. Sans would come home one way or another.

Then came the sound of the front door.

"SANS!?"

---

The moment he opened the door, Chance was swooped up in a huge hug. "papyrus!" He smiled and wrapped his own arms around the taller brother. Before he could get out any more words, Papyrus spoke up at his typical volume.

"SANS!" Papyrus, stern, put him down quickly (but gently) in favor of putting his hands on his hips, and stomped his foot down. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?"

"oh, uh..." He should have expected to be taken to task for something like this. "sorry paps, phone ran out of power. i didn't think too much of it since it was only a day--"

"TWO DAYS!"

His good mood was slowly deflating. Had he really lost track of time that badly? No wonder he was so tired. "sorry. i guess i got too excited at the thought of going home."

"H....home?" He realized his mistake immediately. Papyrus's shoulders sagged, and his face looked less angry than....scared.

"i, um, papyrus..." His mind struggled against the twinge of pain in his heart. Of course he'd be going home! That was how it always was gonna be. Papyrus knew of his origins too, so...so....why was this so hard!? Not being able to bear the look on Papyrus's face, he looked to the side. Leaving him staring at the house he'd lived in for so many years now. But...not for much longer, right? He'd have to say goodbye to it.

"Sans?" Papyrus was waiting on him. Looking back at his little brother just made his heart hurt more. For years, he hadn't wanted to think about it, but with the promise of going home closer now than it ever had been, the fact was unavoidable, standing in front of him. If he wanted to go home, he'd have to leave Papyrus behind too.

Tears welled up in his eyes and he shot forward to hug his brother. "don't worry about it, paps..."

Papyrus returned the hug. "I'm going to worry about it if you......" There was a strange pause. "Sans, your body!"

"...huh?"

"YOU'RE BACK TO NORMAL!"

A quick glance at his hands confirmed it. Skeletal, again. Back into the strange magic costume he'd been trapped in for years. "....oh."

He pressed back into his brother, tears flowing in earnest. Somehow this wasn't a shock to him. It made sense. Despite everything, he was too attached to this place and the people who came with it. In this moment, being here, as Papyrus's brother, even in monster form, was more important than going home. That was what what his heart told him. But it still hurt.

---

Papyrus held Sans until he calmed down. There was a lot he didn't understand. Sans's mood had changed so quickly. Was it related to where he went? Did it have to do with being human? Was it all those "mood swings" teens were known for? He didn't know. He was still worried about what Sans said, about going "home"...but it could wait for now.

Sans's breathing finally evened out. "you're the best, paps."

"NYEH??" That brought a smile to his face, and some of his usual attitude. "Well...OF COURSE! I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS."

A loud beep sounded from the kitchen. "...MY BREAD!"

---

The brothers sat on the couch with a plate in front of them, as Papyrus put on the finishing touches. Bread, full of spaghetti noodles, marinara sauce on top, and a sprinkling of herbs.

"MY CREATION IS COMPLETE!" Papyrus sprang to his feet for dramatic effect. "THE FIRST SPAGHETTI BREAD!" He cut off a slice and held it out for Sans, looking at him expectantly.

Sans took and bit into the slice, bits of dry crunchy noodle crumbling out of it. The bread's contents scraped against the inside of his mouth, and he found out the hard way an entire bay leaf made it into the bite as well. "it sure has a lot of texture, paps."

This pleased Papyrus. "NYEH HEH! BUT OF COURSE! TEXTURE IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT COMPONENTS OF A DISH."

"yeah you always know what a dish kneads." He took another bite.

"OH MY GOD SANS. DON'T START."

"what? my puns are the yeast of our problems." Another bite.

"SANS!!"

"just roll with it paps." Crumbs and sauce were getting everywhere.

"SANS! NO MORE...HALF-BAKED PUNS OUT OF YOU! NYEH!"

Sans burst out laughing, and kept laughing, until tears streamed down his face. He kept grabbing more bread, and shoving it in his face as best he could through the laughter and tears. Papyrus had to wonder again if he was okay.

Was he okay? Sans really wasn't sure. He so desperately wanted to go home, but it just wasn't happening. He felt like he was given an amazing opportunity, and he missed his chance. He couldn't prove to the universe that he wanted it enough, and so not only could he not go home, he couldn't live life as a human either.

All he could do was laugh, cry, and eat more and more of this bread. It hurt. But somewhere inside him, he didn't want to admit, he couldn't help thinking maybe this was what home was like. A home anyway. The taste of the bread...the old couch...a little brother. And, maybe home hurt sometimes. A reminder that he couldn't have everything to make him whole. Torn between his origins and his current life.

At least this life came with a cool brother.

He curled up against Papyrus, still slowly attempting to munch on bread, and drifted off to much needed sleep.

-------------------------------

The end!

.....Papyrus eventually remembers to call Grillby to tell him Sans is back.

I didn't know how much canonically Papyrus knew about Chance's past as a human, and how Chance expected to go "home" someday. I just kinda made him know here....and be low-key anxious that someday his brother would leave D:

I might have seen too late that Papyrus doesn't make his own bread, but.....it's spaghetti bread??? XD Which I found out after writing IS A REAL DISH!? ...WHY XD I thought for sure I was making it up but no...real life beat me to it. But at least the version in this fic is a true Papyrus original 😉 Also going under the assumption here that these skeletons can taste cuz...why would they love bread so much otherwise?? Well, doesn’t matter so much in the actual fic anyway.

I had Chance stay human for so long, longer than in the Human Candy comic, cuz of the magic that makes up the candy. Using hypnotism to trick the soul into thinking its human. Chance already believed he was human so strongly it enhanced the effect.

In fact I wonder if it could possibly work so well he could be in that form for weeks, or indefinitely, so strong is his conviction. But, well.... Some things are more important to him. (Yeah, this picture was a big inspiration for the direction the fic took).

Because the candy would have naturally run out well before he actually turned back, this wavering in his conviction was enough to end its effects. So...while Sans wasn't correct in thinking the universe had something to do with it, he was a little correct in that his mindset had an effect.

[duskdragon39]

dust can’t settle: Commentary

I thought you were done with credits and notes and commentaries, I hear you say. You had an entire chapter dedicated to credits and notes. Why do you have more notes?

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, @stellarfoam​ and I wrote a thing for @pod-together, got a whole ton of talented people to help us read it, and created the first ao3 relationship for the tag “Original Fear Entity Avatar Characters & Original Fear Entity Avatar Characters (The Magnus Archives)” except the tag was too long so the “the” got dropped. You can find that here. If, however, you have already read/listened to/somehow otherwise experienced our oc/self-insert-heavy original statement fic, welcome! I assume you’re here because you wanted to listen to me ramble on for yet another thousand words. If you’re not looking for that, well, here it is.

Under the cut, anyways

The World of DCS:

This is, very technically, the Magnus Archives fanfic.

I say technically, because nowhere in this does canon appear. It appears in the inspiration and base worldbuilding, but other than that... yeah no.

So this started when Kai and I looked at the worldbuilding TMA has for the U.S. and went “yeah there’s got to be more than one institute.” Thus the San Francisco Institute for the Unusual and Paranormal was born, along with its satellite offices in Denver and Chicago. Those same satellite offices also serve The Usher Foundation in DC. The branch offices collect statement, both written and recorded, and other research on the paranormal. Every five years, SFIUP sends along a couple of archival assistants to go and transfer those files to long-term storage in San Francisco or DC. The relationship between the branch offices and SFIUP can be best summed up as follows:

Chicago & Denver: Bigger archives are always bossing us around :( San Fran & DC: Alright but can you like, actually store your statements Chicago & Denver: No.... San Fran & DC: Okay, so...? Chicago & Denver: DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO

Also, we said screw you to Smirke’s 14. There’s every chance that by defining and putting boundaries on the 14 he actually helped shape them into those roles, and we figured that different places would have different mergers and interpretations of those 14. Most of our statements merge or ignore the defined fears- Something There is Dark/Hunt/Eye, Hung is Vast/Buried, Beauty is Eye/Vast, Shasta Lake is just a weirdly big fish, Dragon’s Cauldron might be Hunt? It’s more just a “alright but wouldn’t it be COOL if...”

We also have another giant document about how the fears might manifest in different parts of America.

Because there is never an end to the worldbuilding.

The Car:

Some random facts about the car for your enjoyment: - It woke up because something something knowledge = power and Lee and Dusk (LD) kept reading it statements - So now the equation knowledge = power = energy = matter = mass applies, which is to say that the trunk is a transdimensional space that LD primarily use for storage of random things. - Also a flesh monster. - It’s just back there. - It tried to kill them at one point while crossing through Minnesota. They shoved it in the trunk. It just sort of. Remains there. For awhile. - The car did not approve. - In case your wondering, the car is more or less a traveling archive, and LD are its archivists. - However LD did not sign up for this, and so their road trip culminates eventually with them killing the car. It is a long and terrible battle, and the two of them nearly die. - I have, somewhere on this computer, right now, a recording of the Car’s lovely voice actor Lynx doing a variety of absolutely terrible voices, including petulant teenager and valley girl.

Statements:

We have two pages worth of statement ideas still that we’ll get around to writing someday. If we stop adding to them. Here’s the stories behind some of the ones that made it into the fic, and some other general things I wanted to talk about.

Chapter 1: Archivist’s Note, San Francisco, Shasta Lake:

The recording classification system does not have much thought put into it, but follows the following format

[Media type];[Supernatural Classification].[Year].[Month]:[Employee(s) responsible for the case]

So in the case of [S;F15.2015.06-09:LD)], it’s: Statement(s);Multiple fears.2015.June-September:Lee & Dusk

Is this a perfect system? Hell no. Did this get as deep into archive classification systems as I wanted to go for a 15k fic? Yes. 

The Shasta Lake statement pulled heavily from several sources, including the Shasta Lake fishing website, Wikipedia, and an actual news story about a couple of guys who saved a sturgeon from choking on a catfish. It’s kinda an amazing story, especially since the fish was actually about 8 feet long.

Things I don’t want to run into, thank you.

Chapter 4: Empty City, Gas

Empty city was, as mentioned in the fic, inspired by a statement @laurenbrightwing​ gave to us. And yes, LD absolutely have gone and explored graveyards and abandoned buildings for the Aesthetic of it. 

Gas, however, came from The Car, an absolutely beautiful TAU fic by Feneris. Don’t ask what it runs on. You don’t want to know. Chapter 6: Greenway

Fic-Dusk used to work for the Denver Branch Office before going to San Fran. The branch office never forgave them for their treachery.

Chapter 7: Hung

Eastman Chemical Company is an actual company stationed in Tennessee, and this statement was very heavily modeled after Mag 124: Left Hanging, except with more buried vibes.

Needs more buried should be a motto.

Chapter 9: The Dragon’s Cauldron

Guess who went down a research hole? It me. 

Research notes for this statement can be found here. 

Sources: Debunking the Myth, Fear of Yellowstone (U.S. National Park Service) Native Americans and Yellowstone National Park: Hot Springs, Legends and Sacred Places Explore the Fort Yellowstone Historic District (U.S. National Park Service) Whittesly Yellowstone Myths.pdf Timeline of Human History in Yellowstone - Yellowstone National Park (U.S. National Park Service) Legend of the Sheepeater Indian Tribe in Yellowstone - My Yellowstone Park The History of our Local Tribe: The Sheep Eater Indians - Bitterroot Ranch Dragons in Yellowstone - Yellowstone National Park (U.S. National Park Service)

Chapter 10: Something There, Archivist’s Note 2

RIGHT. This is a fun chain of events that have taken about three years to mature into this story. 

Something There started off with a nightmare about something stalking me through my house. I was thoroughly creeped out, and then promptly forgot about it for the next day until I went to walk through my house at night and thought I heard something moving behind me. 

About a year later, my composition teacher told us to write a speech. I think the prompt was truth? 

So I went off about the thing supposedly living in my house, how no one would believe me if I told them, and implying that I absolutely was lying about the entire thing. My teacher loved it, and I got the highest grade I’d gotten that year for that assignment. (“They lauded me for that, did you know?”)

If that sort of vaguely existential crisis sounds like something you’d have fun reading, the full speech can be found here. 

A bit later, I read the same speech for an open mic. One of my friends there yelled out that she believed me- something that did make it into the final version. (“One of my friends told me she believed me, once. I… I just shrugged and told her that there wasn’t actually anything there.”)

It eventually made its way into this project via me trying to figure out what the hell to use for a more spooky statement and stumbling across the speech sitting in my google drive. 

I managed to scare myself to the point of not being able to go upstairs in the dark for about a week with the updated version.

 I wrote it. 

This seems counterintuitive.

Does this make this a self insert story? No. Statement giver here does not in any way respond like I would have in this situation, and they’ve since drifted even farther into full OC territory.

The “they can’t hurt you if you’re watching/if you see them comes from the lovely tma time travel fic “Strangers in the Dark” by Mayarene Rose. 

MouseK also gave us the closing line for the fic! It wraps it up so nicely, and I’ve already squeed about this in the fic itself, but they deserve more because the line’s amazing and I love it. Conclusion:

Thanks to everyone who gave us statements, inspired us, and helped us with the project. It’s been an excellent time, and there have already been discussions of either statements collected on this journey or short stories set in the same universe being written. 

Thanks for reading!

- Dusk

[beclynn-herondale]

"Love can destroy just as much as hate"

"Happy can hurt just as much as sad"

"Words can hurt like a million stabs to the heart"

"The light can be just as scary as the dark"

"Blood doesn't mean family"

"Sometimes being broken is the only choice you have"

"I could say so much about you and it still wouldn't be enough, there's to much you're the the rock to my land, you're the sea to my beach, you're the gold to my silver, you're the book I could never read enough times"

"Those who say words can't hurt are foolish in their own way, because they do hurt it's true you can let them hurt you and you can stop them from hurting you too but it doesn't mean you should say the things you do and think it's okay. If you're words hurt others and you think they're just words you are foolish for they can hurt more then anything else"

"You know I needed you and you weren't there, I needed you more then anyone and you failed to he there and the worst part is I still want you here and I still want to be here and that's not okay but.. I can't seem to leave even though there's no reason to stay"

"What you thought meant the world to me and then you said cruel things about me and I took it to heart and that shouldn't have been how it was, what you think shouldn't have meant everything and shaped my thinking, it shouldn't have made me question myself and think I was horrible and disgusting. You know why because that's not me! I know now who I am and what I contribute and my worth, you are nothing compared to it and the manipulation you had over me is gone for now I am stronger then I was before and you could never have a hold on me again"

"It's not our choice necessarily to go back to our abusers, I mean yes they hurt us and broke us and made us feel worthless, they destroyed us yes. But a part of us still loves/loved them because even in their cruelness they had moments when they were nice. And that's the thing we think that it's us because if they are nice sometimes maybe we're just overreacting and imagining things right? Even when we aren't and they are bad people we still feel it is our fault why? I do not know the answer perhaps it's because over the time of our abuse we grew to hate ourselves and feel and think it's our fault but it's not, It was never our fault that they choose that path and choose to be cruel and destroy us, it's there's but for some reason even though some know this we still go back sometimes and I do not know why. Except that maybe we feel as if they are the only ones who truly love us because who else could love someone so broken and scary, so hurtful and destructive, so fragile and chaotic, so painful and scarred, so traumatized and tragic, so strong but so weak, so lonely and done, so sharp but so dull, so bright but so dark, so kind but so mean, so serious but so uncommitted, so loose but so tight, so vulnerable but so much mystery, so full yet so empty, so empathetic yet so not understanding, so childish yet so mature, so rebellious yet so submissive, so much like a soldier yet so scared, so beautiful yet so terrifying, so firery yet so calm, so wild yet so tamed, so fake yet so sincere, so honest yet so deceiving, angry yet so happy, so sad and dark yet full of life and sweetness, full of flaws yet seeming to not have mant. Who could love someone who is so much to handle and who doesn't deserve it because they have done wrong and so has their abusers".

"You know I grew up having to be perfect maybe they didn't think they were raising me like that but they were if I did a perfect job o was good and amazing and they were so proud, If i made a mistake well there was anger and disappointment and they would never let it go. And perfection is not easy to be be because as humans we imperfect and have so many flaws but we're still expected to be perfect. Why? You may ask because we put unrealistic expectations on others and ourselves."

"You know they say love is unconditional but I don't think for some it is, for instance they say a parents love is but what about abusers they don't have unconditional love for their children, or people who say they do but when the person they claim to have unconditional love for mess up they don't have mercy and forgiveness for and all of a sudden they are less? So no I don't believe all parents and people have unconditional love I think for a lot love is conditional."

"You claim to love me but you break me so often and hurt me, if you love me so much why is it so east for you to hurt, break and destroy me?"

"I believe happiness is like sadness it comes and goes and there's nothing you can do about, they say it can be achieved but that is a way of thinking that will pound you in the end. It is best to accept that feelings and emotions come and go even happiness, it doesn't mean that we are never going to be happy it simply means that we are human and humans can never keep something forever, it's not in our nature to."

"At the end of the stroy everyone leaves right?"

"Everything leaves a scar they say and sometimes those scars are physical"

"Parents huh I wouldn't know what loving and kind, non manipulative and unconditional loving parents are like hell I don't know if I even know what parents are really like"

"What broke you? she asked, my Hope's, my loyalty, my kindness, How deeply I love, my gentleness, my forgiveness, my compassion, my empathy, my expectations. the other girl replied, oh.... but I thought those were good? She said, They are but not when you give them away as freely as you breathe. The other girl replied, is....that what you did? She asked, Yes I loved to hard and to deeply, I forgave to easily, and in return I was broken so many times that eventually you aren't left with enough pieces to put yourself back together again, I mean sure you put yourself back together a million times and more but eventually my dear there isn't enough left anymore to put back together the other girl replied."

"How many times? How many times? Do I have to play this game? This game of manipulation and hate and pain and hurt how many times do I have to get broken before it's over? I barely have enough left."

"Have you always been this way? He asked what do you mean? She replied, I mean I see it in your eyes the pain, the rage, the loneliness, the hurt, the brokenness, I see a girl who has cried so much that she wonders if the next time she cries will she even have tears to shed, I see a girl who's gentle and kind but has been used and misunderstood so many times that she has stopped trying to get close to people, a girl who has gone through something that has changed her entirely and she's not sure who she was before, i see a girl who just wanted to be picked for once, who wanted to be first choice not second or third or fourth or tenth, I see a girl who wants to desperately to be touched and held and kissed and taken cared of but is to afraid to let someone do it because what if it's fake? What if they use me?, I see a girl who wants to be held through the entire night for someone to wrap their arms around her and not let her go, I see a girl who wants to love and be loved but doesn't know how and is terrified to let anyone in and love, I see a girl who has so much trauma and sadness, I see a lack of love that has been there for so long, I see a heart that has been broken and put back together so many times but every time it is broken you lose a piece and you don't know if it will go back together again, but I also see a beautiful girl who has a kind heart and has the deepest love I have ever seen, a girl who has so much to give, a girl who saves others and stands up for them, a girl who gives herself to make others better but who does that for you? Who stands up for you? Who loves you? At the end of the day who gives you back your pieces? You know what? I think you are one of the most beautiful and unique beings I have ever met. How....how? She asked her voice shaking and her throat feeling tight and her eyes wanting to relapse those tears and her heart aching and hurting how do you know all that? She asked because your eyes say everything, if you look at them hard enough they tell a story one that has been tragic but is not over yet. He replied *and she broke down, how dare he she thought how dare he make her want someone so bad and how dare he see through everything, see through all her walls and act like it's okay and now she fears it's over that's it the last piece is going he's gonna walk away and take it with him* and she let the tears fall and started sobbing but something happened for the first time someone wrapped their arms around her and kissed her forehead and she realized not someone it was him, he was holding her and wasn't walking away and she wanted to fight him because now she was sure after this year of working together she is starting to love him and it's not fair because she told herself she wouldn't let this happen, she wouldn't let anyone in but here she is holding on tight to him and not wanting him to ever let go and he let her cry on his shirt and cry for so long she couldn't tell how long and he never left and didn't say anything just let her and when she hit him a couple times he took it like he didn't care even when she tried to pull away he held her and she thought he isn't going anywhere is he? And once she looked up at him after being there for a long time he finally said something he said would you like to stay with me tonight? Or me stay with you?, I wou..ld like that...can I? Her voice breaking, Of course I offered didn't I he said, and took her hand and led her to his apartment, and held her all night and told her I am here now if you'll let me be here by your side until the end, and she looked at him and he was dead serious, yes she said stay please..... she said, I will stay. He replied."

"You know they say that the loneliest things are the most beautiful, but loneliness can be ugly to can't it?"

"They call your scars ugly and tell you to get rid of them, but for me they aren't just scars they are a story and every scar has a reason behind it, they tell a story of someone with things she can never change or take back, but they also remind her of her strength and struggles and she loves her scars, but they say to get rid of them."

"I am but made if moon and stars and people call them beautiful but they are in a dark sky and there is darkness and it's not as bright as the sun or the day, so can it truly be as beautiful as they claim if it's not what they want."

"You have a heart of gold they said, I don't feel that way she told herself, o feel as if I am always in the wrong and a disappointment, I feel as if I am a terrible person and an ass, I feel as if I no one could love me ever, I feel as if I am darkened with a black heart, I feel as if I have lost so much hope, but they say I have a heart of gold."

"Maybe I'm not good maybe i have been lied to, maybe i am a monster, a dark thing, a demon who deserves all the pain in the world, but they say you're kind and good and don't deserve all this, then why do people tell me I am wrong all the time? and say I want to destroy? Maybe I really am a demon?"

"You're an outcast the woman said you'll never be anything else if you don't change, who said I want to change? Replied the girl, No one will like you or love you if you don't change. The woman said, Perhaps it's better to be an outcast then what others want me to be yeah I would rather be an outcast then betray myself and be what I am not the girl replied."

"I have never been what anyone wanted not even what my own mother wanted in a daughter, so I can't blame anyone for not wanting me and perhaps it's better that way because they won't be destroyed by the hands of a girl from hell."

"She keeps her heart behind a wall, a wall of thick stone and covered with thorns and danger so you won't try to approach her or get close or love her, because every time she opens up it hurts, every time she gets close they leave and leave her broken on the ground, every time she loves they never love as much or as deeply but she can't be mad she knows she isn't good enough for any of it and that's okay, she'll never make anyone do that so she'll push them away before they try."

"You scare me she said, why the other girl asked I have never tried to do anything that should scare you? The beautiful girl said, not because of the reasons you think my dear you scare me because you see through me, you see my darkness and brokenness and all the bad and you still stay, you scare me with how I need you, how you can tell when I am not okay and you love me no one has done that and it scares me. She said, oh the beautiful girl said I don't just see the bad and darkness I see the beautiful and the good and a heart of gold, I see someone has been made to believe they are bad and evil because they are as bright as the stars and as mysterious as the moon, I see someone who I want to love and give everything to but only if she'll let me do so. The beautiful girl said, why? She asked, because I Love you. The beautiful girl said, I Love you to she said."

( my writing and quotes so don't steal )

( I write how I feel sometimes or what I want )

[arodrwho]

cr 2.90 lb

it’s critrole time!

yea man why have u wasted all that time,,

out-of-universe i Know WHy, but in-universe……..,

...huh. is there any chance the beacon the empire is still hiding still has any souls in it? or has it been too long

“my GOD you mean??” o damn jester

wait what were u saving it for cad???

“the first performance of yasha & the orphanmakers” lskdjglkduhg

balls my internet told me to die

tumblr says the piano sounds like a nightmare

i’m delighted

“dope” “dope” autistic caleb……………………….

“it was a little sexy…?”

matt oh my god

is matt ok

“i mean,, pelor clerics have their own unique ways—” lksdghldfkjghiquehrgihe MATT

“i object. u absolutely can put sun on your butthole, in dungeons and dragons” odhglkdjfhgsirhjgliaejhrvliajehgliaushdi

please,

p l e a   s e

“stationery” [squints at nott] is this for letters or for wizarding OR are u being a liar.

u go fjord. have a good time fjord.

...cardstock? cards?

…..2 big posterboards?

what the fuck are u planning nott.

“beacons. task at hand. stay on task, wi-do-gast” i am so happy. caleb is big autism tonight

caleb, a few seconds too late: ..break

i love.

oooooo space rocks

aw barnacles. sry beau

“ohhhh. jester just starts crying” :(((((((

taliesin how cOU LD YOU

MAKING ME FEEL MOLLY EMOTIONS IN 2020

yea but they left the moon at molly’s grave taliesin

they LEFT THE MOON CARD TALIESIN

whatever u know what

it just magicked itself back into the deck

i’ve decided it now.

“i’m gonna go find help bc i don’t understand anything that’s happening here. is, is there a help desk?” o caduceus

i do love u

oh jeez here we go

goddamn that’s a good roll

oooooo on the zenith

neat!

“i was being a little too literal, a little too straight-on” he’s SO AUTISTIC

i love him,

“i pull her into a sort of slow awkward hug” “i hug back” “thank you for coming with me so far” “well thank you for for going this far i know it’s hard to be here and um but i’m proud of you you know? this is you won’t ever get fully better unless you confront these things, so, this is, it’s a step. you should be proud of yourself too” “what about you you still want this road. no i know, this, but everything else?” “yeah i mean” “all of this travel and danger” “the danger & the travel it distracts me an awful lot which is good. it’s either i find the distraction at the bottom of a bottle or in adrenaline fueled danger or i have to go back and think about it more” “and if all of this works, that will change things?” “i guess it will. ..i’ll need a—” “insight check” oh gos  h.

that is a 27

“i mean i think u get a sense from nott that she is very scared of what the future may hold for her if we continue down this path” damn dude

SAD.

ohhh tarot cards!! nott ur so sweet

ily

“can i buy u like a corndog to make it up to u” ksdhgkuhdrgliuehrgihelrghsdljgh

god i love this guy,

“carpe diem, as the zemnians used to say” slkdgd

ooohohohohoho did they finally go or WHAT

ok it’s the next day & i’m back

caleb that’s rude!!!!

less rude than it seemed last night tho i was under the impression caleb did that when they were already in front of officials,,

anyways

wow ppl rly will call anything flirting huh

literally caleb seems 2 me like he was just belatedly remembering his manners

but sure

whatever

flirting

“it has been your specialty in the past” lksdjgkjdhfgkj someone acknowledged the accent shift

jester that is so soft

kldgdkjgh nott i love you so much

yea i read abt this on tumblr last night

def sounds like mind control? to me? modify memory at least

ok so we’re forgoing the accent altogether huh

“do u care about prisoner welfare? i’m just making sure he’s alive” god i love fjord

but also they don’t care about prisoner welfare fjord u goddamn dingus

i love you

blease a disabled essek…………………….

blease………………..

“yasha was mind controlled... we think?” “...yes, nott” lksjdglkjdfhg oh yasha

“he smashed his face against a wall.. he’s dead now” “what” “yes it’s a great tragedy. … no he’s alive” sdlkghdhgsljkh fjord i love you.

oof caleb angsts as promised re: jester knowing modify memory

fjord why

don’t be a bastard fjord

see sprinkle is ok

jesus

so THAT’S what the sprinkle comments were about

i thought it was just fjord’s nonsense

o boy let’s go talkity talk 2 the bq

hi bq

bruh u need to tell them it’s not the actual beacon they lost

caleb this is a great speech but uhhh

please tell her it’s not the same beacon

caleb. please.

i’m gonna die bro

TELL HER.

it’s gonna go so bad if she finds out that u knew it wasn’t the same one

“9” : (

“how perfect” lmfao that’s t rue

mmmmgmgm please tell her it’s not the same fucking one dude

PLEASE TELL HER IT’S NOT THE SAME ONE

PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN

y’all

“might be a useful tool in this negotiation” yeah but like

how though

i was curious about this before

why do u want them there

what do u expect to come of that

i do not. understand

hhhhhhhhhh they must’ve forgotten abt the offered beacon not being the one the krynn lost : (

or else not telling her is a tactical decision

in which case i can respect that, but am strongly disappointed about

“what’s his mother’s name” lksdhgldjhg

“i’m not very interesting” : ( essek, buddy, are u just saying that or do u rly mean it ??

“you’re definitely redeemable” hey gosh

“i’m a little bit worried” “tell me” i love them so much

“i was impressed” [fond/pained smile/laugh] i love. them

“this is our biggest con ever. i hope it pans out” “oh yeah” kshdglkjhdlg i love them.

jkdfhibusherpg9haerighawhg

this is very good