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hotrod2007 · 3 years

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i wrote a buddie fic abt buck being reckless and eddie being stressed <3 i owe all my thanks and love to robin for encouraging me to write it she owns my heart mwah! (here is the link if u would like to read it on ao3 maybe n drop a kudos or a comment even 😳)

Bobby’s hand slaps against Eddie’s back as he hurries them towards the exit. He’s sure Bobby is yelling at him to move faster, hurry, but over the building collapsing behind them, Eddie can’t hear much else besides his own labored breathing. Hen and Chim are ducking their heads, barreling forward in front of him, and he trusts that Buck is following closely behind Bobby. They’re so close to the exit, he can see the flashing lights of trucks and engines from the other stations, and the closer they get, the more the smoke thins, and breathing gets a bit easier.

Bobby practically pushes him out of the small exit when they reach it, and he slams into Hen’s back, and they both fall through the opening with a shout and then take several deep breaths as they inhale fresh air as much and as quickly as they can. Eddie’s staring up at the sky, mask off, letting himself breathe before remembering he has to get up and move farther away from the building, but as he gets up he sees Bobby arguing with Buck at the threshold of the building. Before he can think he’s on his feet and walking towards them as fast as he can – he knows what Buck’s doing.

“I heard someone, Bobby!” Buck shouts, his voice is raspy from the bad air and it cracks. “I have to go back!”

“Buck, no! It’s too dangerous! The building is becoming less and less stable the longer we stand here. Come on!” Bobby points towards the line the police have marked off, Chim and Hen stand by it, watching them, trying to decipher what’s going on.

“Exactly! So I should go now!” Buck counters and Eddie wants to pick him up, throw him over his shoulder, and march back to the safety barrier.

“Buck do not–” Eddie steps towards him and reaches out, but Buck cuts him off.

“You know I have to do this, I’m sorry.” Buck gives them both a pained look before turning and running back into the haze of smoke and fire.

“Buck!” Eddie hears two other voices yell in unison with him, but he’s the only one Bobby is dragging away.

Hen and Chim are trying to push past the officers at the barrier, stressing that they need to get to Eddie and Bobby. Eddie distantly hears them arguing, but he’s too busy trying to break free from Bobby’s grip to pay attention to what exactly is being said. He’s yelling and twisting, but Bobby won’t let go of him, and he watches the rectangle Buck ran through getting smaller and smaller. In a last-ditch effort to get out, he stills and feels Bobby’s hands relax for a second, and in that second Eddie throws his full body weight forward and just barely slips through Bobby’s fingers.

He takes maybe three steps before he stops in his tracks, staring forward in horror.

The building gives a giant moan. Eddie freezes. The front collapses. Time stops. The sound of the flames gets louder. Time begins again.

In his peripheral, he sees Bobby grind to a halt next to him, he imagines a similar look of horror sits on his face. The only exit now sits in front of them, burning, and smoke billows out of the windows surrounding it.

Before he can process what’s happening, police officers are pushing him back, shoving at his shoulders causing him to gracelessly stumble backward. His eyes don’t leave the building. Buck is in there. Buck is in there. With no way out. The last thought makes him want to be sick.

He’s guided to the 118 engine where he meets Chim, Hen, and Bobby gathered around a radio, exchanging worried glances.

“Buck?” Hen says into the radio. “Buck?” She tries again.

“Anything?” Eddie bounds up to them, breathless, pushing down the sick feeling in his gut and trying to focus on what he can do at this moment.

Hen opens her mouth, presumably to say no, but the radio crackle interrupts her.

“-en? Hen?” Comes Buck’s voice through the tiny speaker. “Hen, I can hear you.” Buck’s voice sounds tired and worse than it did the less than two minutes ago Eddie had seen him.

Hen briefly rests her forehead against the radio and lets out a small sigh of relief. Bobby and Chim both look up and give short relieved breaths. Eddie stays focused on the radio, watching the red light blink. As long as that light is blinking, Buck is okay. That’s what he keeps telling himself. Red light means he’s alright. It becomes his new mantra that he chants in his head over and over again.

“Are you okay?” Hen asks, biting her lip with worry after letting the talk button go.

It takes a second, but Buck replies, “I’m okay. I was right, though. Tell Bobby I was right.” And Eddie can practically hear his shit-eating grin, which makes him relax a bit.

“You can tell me yourself when you get your ass out of the building,” Bobby replies, leaning forward a bit so he can be closer to the radio while Hen holds it.

“Yeah, yeah,” Buck replies. “Hey Eddie, I found a new best friend,” Buck jokes, but his voice is tighter than it is when he’s usually joking around. Eddie knows this tone, they all do, he’s trying to play it cool for whoever he’s with.

Eddie plays along. “Oh yeah?” He tries to sound light and happy when he says it, but his voice gives out at the end and he knows he’s doing a shit job of covering up his stress.

“Yeah. Her name’s Audrey, and she’s the coolest third grader I’ve ever met.” Eddie imagines Buck gently kneeling with her, letting her use his mask and air.

Bobby leans back in, so Hen presses down on the talk button again for him. “Hey, Buck,” he begins, “The exit collapsed.” There’s silence for a moment, and they all hold their breath. Then comes the crackle from the other end.

“Yeah.” Buck sighs, his voice closer to the radio and quieter than before. “I heard it.”

“What’s your exit plan?” Bobby responds.

“Uh, right now, I’m trying to get to the other side of the first floor and find a window, and get,” Buck pauses to take a few slow breaths, “Audrey out, and then I’ll follow her.”

Okay. He has a plan. He knows where he needs to go, and a general sense of direction. That’s comforting to know.

“Be safe, Buck,” Chim tells him and his voice is hard, and they all know it’s more of a command than a well-wish. Briefly, Eddie wonders if he’s told Maddie about what Buck did.

“You know me, caution is my middle name.” And that time Buck sounded like himself again. “I’m gonna start moving Audrey and me towards the other side of the building. Radio me if something changes.”

Eddie’s stomach sinks at the thought of not talking to Buck on his radio for several minutes, but instead pushes it down and takes Hen’s radio into his own hands and says, “That goes the same for you.”

“We’ll be extra careful for you, Eddie.” Buck radios back. He hears Audrey muffled in the background, and then Buck says, “Audrey made me promise her that we won’t get hurt, so now I’m going to be extra safe.”

Eddie hands the radio back to Hen and they all turn to face the building, the fire spreading despite having hoses from three different stations trained on it. All he has to do is get from one side to the other.

The captain from one of the other stations jogs up to Bobby and asks for his help on something, and Bobby gives him a clap on the shoulder and a head nod before he heads off with the captain. Chim peels away from him and Hen to go call Maddie and update her about what’s going on, and Eddie’s selfishly glad he won’t have to listen to Chim talk Maddie out of coming down here and storming in herself – he can’t handle the added stress.

“He’ll be okay, Eddie,” Hen says, giving him a soft look. “He’s done shit like this before, he’ll be okay.”

“I’m gonna kick his ass when I see him again,” Eddie says and he bites the inside of his cheeks to keep himself from crying. His eyes are stinging and his vision is blurring, and the last thing he needs right now is a meltdown.

Hen laughs a bit, and she looks down at the ground and kicks at some loose gravel. “You two are gonna be the death of me.”

They fall into an easy silence for a few moments, and Eddie opens his mouth to say something in response to that – to shrug it off, to point out her poor choice of words – when they hear shouting, and they both run out to stand in front of the trucks and engines to try and get an idea of what’s going on. He hears the creaking again, but before he can register what’s happening, Hen’s radio crackles to life.

Buck’s voice comes through, “Eddie–!” and just as soon as Eddie was flooded with relief, dread replaces it as Buck is cut off and the line goes silent.

They both hear a crash and their heads fly up from the radio, and they watch, panicked, as another section of the building collapses right in the direction Buck was heading. A truck turns its water on the newly collapsed part, and people are shouting directions around them. He and Hen both look down at the radio at the same time.

There’s no red blinking light.

Eddie feels the color drain from his face. Hen looks up at him, her eyes wide with fear and brows furrowed. Chim runs up to them and before he can say anything, Hen just lifts the radio towards him.

“Maddie’s driving down.” He sounds as if he’s realizing she might be driving to the scene of her brother’s death. “I couldn’t stop her.”

Bobby rounds the corner of a truck and his eyes catching on the radio Hen is limply holding in her hand. “I know you guys are worried about Buck, I’m worried about him too, but we’re still on the job and there’s still people to look after and care for.” He’s using his Captain Voice and Eddie knows his heart is as close to breaking as theirs if just one more thing goes wrong. The three of them look at Bobby, exhausted, but ready to listen. “Hen, Chim, go to the ambulances and help them attend to the people there.” He nods at them and they split off, hustling towards the few ambulances remaining to take care of those with minor scrapes and bruises. “Eddie,” he turns his head to Bobby at the mention of his name, “You need to be here, present, mentally. We aren’t any good to him just standing here, staring at the building, okay?” Eddie mutley nods at him. “Good. I need you with me. We’re going to talk to the other captains about what to do next.” Bobby turns and walks away from Eddie without looking back, and Eddie hurries after him.

There’s so much noise going on all around him – news choppers, reporters, police yelling at people to stay back, people shouting, the fire, the hoses – but all Eddie can focus on is the clear and heavy absence of Buck. He pulls his radio out of his jacket pocket and clips it to his shoulder, watching for that blinking red light.

The other captains are gathered around the back of one of the engines, slightly hidden from view of the building, but Eddie adjusts himself so he can still see it. He doesn’t know how long he stands in the circle with Bobby and the others, just staring at the fire, trying to will Buck to stumble out of it, but he rejoins the conversation when Bobby slightly shoves his shoulder with his own.

“We need more water. More engines, more trucks, just more.” The woman who’s saying this has a patch on her jacket that reads PARKER. “The whole building could come down soon and then we’re really at risk of it spreading.”

“So what do you suggest we do?” Asks a man with the name HARRISON patched onto him.

“Radio other districts for help. We need to douse this thing.” Parker explains and Harrison and Bobby nod in agreement. “Then, we move everyone back and prepare for building collapse.”

Eddie frowns when he sees Harrison agreeing again, and shoots a look at Bobby. “But wait, we still have a man in there, Captain Parker.”

“Diaz is right. There’s a firefighter and a little girl still inside.” Bobby calmly explains and Eddie thanks whatever God there is that Bobby’s there to back him up.

“Any word from him?” Harrison asks after a brief silence.

“Not since the second collapse, but–”

“Where was he when it collapsed?” Harrison interrupts him.

Eddie falls silent, so Bobby speaks up, “He was in the general area of it.” Eddie catches the other captains shooting each other knowing looks.

“He’s not dead!” Eddie exclaims and they all turn to him.

“Look at the facts, Diaz. He was near the collapse, you haven’t heard from him in minutes, he was in the area, and he’s probably out of air by now.” Parker tells him matter-of-factly, though her eyes are sad. Her tone softens as she says, “I know this isn’t easy. But we can’t put two lives above everyone else’s.”

Eddie knows she has a point. He knows she’s right. But it’s not just any person, it’s Buck. “We can’t just… we can’t leave him – them – to burn!” And Eddie feels his eyes stinging again. “He’s alive! He has to be.”

Parker turns to Bobby, softness almost gone and commands, “You need to get him in check. This isn’t an easy decision, but it’s what we have to do, and you know it.” She puts her helmet back on, and Harrison follows her lead. “I’m going to make a call to another district. Harrison, I want you to help the police back everyone up.” She gives Bobby one more serious look, and then she’s gone.

“Eddie, what did I tell you earlier.” Bobby turns to him once they’re alone.

“Bobby, I know, but it’s Buck,” Eddie says again like if he keeps saying the words, it’ll explain everything.

“Eddie, we all want –”

“No! No, because it’s different for me!” And Eddie grits his teeth as he feels tears run down his face. “It’s different for me.” He repeats, but softer, and his voice cracks. He’s staring hard at the ground as he leans against the engine.

Bobby pauses before responding. “Eddie, we have to start moving back.” He’s using his Dad Voice on him now and Eddie might laugh if the situation was anything but this. “We don’t have to move fast, we can lag behind. We can stay here as long as we can, but if Buck isn’t… but when the building comes down, we’re at risk.”

“He has to be alive, Bobby.” Eddie knows how he sounds – defeated, worn down, desperate. “Because if he isn’t… if this is the time that…” And he trails off, knowing Bobby understands where he was going with it.

Bobby doesn’t say anything else, but he leans against the engine with Eddie, watching police move the barricades and moving people back. They’ll have to drag Eddie kicking and screaming from where he’s standing.

Eventually, Parker makes her way back to them and fixes Eddie with an unimpressed look, and only addresses Bobby while she talks, “You have to move. We’re backing everything up now, and last to move is apparently this engine, a truck, and you two.”

Eddie opens his mouth to argue with her, ready to lament about how he won’t move unless she can pick him up herself when he sees a shape moving in the smoke and haze. He doesn’t let himself get his hopes up, not yet, it could be someone that was doing a last-minute look at the building to assess it. But then he sees a smaller figure slide off the first figure, and then they’re both running towards the lights as fast as they can, and Eddie’s so relieved he wants to scream. So he does.

“Buck!” He shouts and Buck takes Audrey’s hand and leads her towards Eddie and Bobby.

Parker’s head twists around fast and before Eddie can be smug about being right, she’s yelling for someone from the ambulances to come get the girl. Hen and Chim are heard before Eddie can see them, he’s zeroed in on Buck.

His face is covered in ash and there’s a sizable gash across his left cheek and his chin, but he’s smiling and telling Audrey something as he runs over. It finally clicks into place that Buck’s coming towards him, the little girl in tow, and he starts walking towards Buck without a second thought. Bobby’s telling Parker that they’ll move back in a second and agrees to help her move the engine and truck to appease her, and she takes him around the engine.

Hen and Chim are getting closer and yelling out Buck’s name and some phrases a child probably shouldn’t hear, but Eddie gets it. He’d be yelling too if he wasn’t on the verge of sobbing.

When Hen and Chim get to him, they call him a dumbass before dropping to their knees and asking Audrey if they could pick her up to take her to the ambulances. She nods at them and when they pick her up, Eddie notices that her feet are cut up and she’s wearing a nightgown and feels a pang of sadness. He doesn’t realize he’s stopped walking until he looks at Buck who has also stopped walking and is just staring back at him. He flashes Eddie a smile, scratches the back of his head awkwardly, and that sets Eddie back in motion.

When he’s within arm’s reach of him, Buck throws his hands up and opens his mouth, “Look, Eddie–” But Eddie will never know the end of that sentence.

Because he walks right up to Buck, ignores him trying to talk, and kisses him. He’s gripping the front of Buck’s jacket in his hands and holding on tightly as if he’s worried the fire will pull back in. Buck makes a surprised sound in the back of his throat but quickly wraps his arms around Eddie, pulling him in closer. Buck tastes like the mint gum he was chewing earlier and ash, but Eddie doesn’t care.

Eddie screws his eyes shut as he presses in closer to Buck, and he can feel his face getting wet again from his tears, but it doesn’t matter because he has Buck. He has Buck in his arms and he’s kissing him. He feels Buck’s hand move up to his face and he smiles into their kiss, Buck’s hands cupping his face, and Eddie never thought he’d enjoy feeling small, but right now it’s the best feeling in the world.

Unfortunately, there’s still a burning building at risk of collapsing, so they break apart, Eddie wipes at his eyes and pretends he doesn’t see the fond look Buck is giving him. For a moment, it’s just them standing in silence before Bobby comes over and drags them both back to the new barricade.

“Nothing is ever easy with you two.” He grumbles, but there’s a hint of a smile on his face. He unceremoniously dumps them at the edge of the barricade before he walks off to talk to Athena.

Eddie keeps his eyes staring straight ahead because he can feel Buck smiling at him with his megawatt grin, and he’s trying to play it cool. He glances over at Buck and finds himself grinning back. Playing it cool is overrated anyway.

“So,” Buck says as Eddie turns to face him. Buck’s jacket lays haphazardly at his feet now, and he’s got his arms crossed in front of his chest, eyes bright and smile wide. “Is that gonna happen every time I do something reckless now?”

Eddie rolls his eyes, dropping his jacket to the ground too. Feeling bold, he says, “It doesn’t just have to happen then, you know.”

Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up as if he hadn’t considered that. “I’d like that.” Is all he says.

“Good. Me too.” Eddie feels his cheeks flush a bit.

“Are you blushing?” Buck exclaims. “I made Eddie Diaz blush?”

Eddie tries not to smile, trying to look upset. He fails. “Shut up.”

Buck’s expression schools itself one of confidence, and he drops his arms, taking a step towards Eddie. “Make me.”

If Eddie wasn’t red before, he sure as hell is now. Still, he leans in and whispers, “Okay, Buckley.” Before connecting their lips again.

#buddie #911 #911 fanfic #eddie diaz #buck #evan buckley #ok :) i will post this and run away thank u

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rant-2-me · 3 years

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i feel like im getting notthing done these days, like my life just going to complete waste. i should be doing something with my life by now i think, like im studying enough and im not rlly been feeling happy lately either cause i feel so much stress. i have exams in like 3 weeks and i dont know what to do for that either.

oh my sweet nonnie, listen,

There’s no set time frame for doing anything.

you can do things in your own time without having to worry about being “behind.” Sometimes it’s the things we do that feel like “stalling” or “getting off track” that end up being the most helpful for our growth.

theres a lot of sugarcoating advice on the internet that might say you're not wasting your life, and don’t get me wrong, that’s true — but it doesn’t help your situation at all.

You don't need to be "doing anything" with your life right now, maybe right now you just need to

Success is not measured by the rate in which we accomplish something, but in the fact that we have accomplished something

What you need is action.

you need to do something that makes you happy and is easy(ish) to do.

The best way to find direction is to trust your instincts instead of forcing yourself to do things because you think you “should.”

Your intuition is a powerful compass, and even if you think you aren’t making progress, if you’re following your instincts, you are.

There are always going to be opportunities that look good on paper, and that little, scared voice within may tell you that your life will only matter if you take them.

Other people may also tell you this, if not directly, indirectly; or you may assume they’re thinking this when really they’re too immersed in their own confusing journey to pass judgment on yours for long.

But sometimes the best opportunities are the ones you don’t take, leaving yourself open for choices that better align with your own values and priorities.

I know this may sound as impossible as growing wings and flying, but try not to worry so much about what other people might think. They may have expectations, but you aren't responsible for the vision of you they've made up in their minds.

The only one who can make wise decisions for you is you. And even if it makes you feel anxious at times, you will eventually thank yourself for being brave enough to follow your heart, not someone else’s head.

When it comes to creating purpose, there truly is no “wrong” decision.

You may think you only have one purpose and that you need to push yourself to find it, you can continue thinking this, if you’re okay with feeling pressured and scared.

Or instead of aiming to discover the one thing you’re supposed to do with your life, you could focus on discovering the one thing you want to try right now,

you can change direction any time. And that changing direction won’t be something to be ashamed of; it won’t mean you failed at discovering your purpose before. It will mean you had one purpose then, and now your purpose has changd—evolved.

It will mean you’re brave enough to let yourself evolve, repeatedly undertaking the sometimes terrifying process of discovering what else you can do.

Maybe that in itself can be a purpose—to live life in that vulnerable, uncertain place where you’re not boxed into one way of being, free to roam when it would feel much safer to tether yourself to one role.

How to get things done

1. before you actually do anything, take a whole day to shamelessly do nothing. its just one (1) day to relax,calm down, do something that makes you happy, let your entire body take a breath before it springs into action, an arrow draws back before it hits it target

2. when you wake up the next morning, dont reach for your phone. dont scroll social media or check the news. in fact, before you start your day, (if its possible) switch off your phone or put it on do not disturb put it somewhere your mind wont wander towards. give it to a friend and tell them not to give it back until u sit down and finish your work.

3. start by finishing tasks you figure will take less than 2 minutes.

need to water the plants? it'll take less than 2 minutes; do it. need to feed the fish? takes less than two minutes; do it! get all the easy work out of the way first.

4. check what your most time sensitive tasks are. finish them first.

5. try and figure out whats stopping you from doing something. most of the time it isn't just "laziness" that stopping you from doing something, sometimes its because the perfectionist in you is worried that if you try hard on that you'll fail. but the thing is, you can try again. and again. and again, and again until you get it right. try chipping at it slowly

for example, say you have to take notes for a class, and you have 10 pages to copy down, before you start watching a tv show, just write 2 pages of notes. you can also try the pomodoro method: do work for 25 minutes, then take a 5 minute break. repeat.

but something like studying and having hobby is something that needs to be repeated, over and over again, like a routine

How to add something into your routine:

start easy. the first time you do the hobby, it should be a cake walk

e.g:

exercise every day first day: 5 push ups.

1000 words every day first day: 10 words and so on.

try to do the activity after or before or even during a hobby you already do e.g.:

read 20 books in a year and you already: drink tea every day so you should: read 5 pages as you drink tea

you want to learn a language and you already: plait your hair before you sleep so you should: watch a video teaching you about that language before you plait your hair

mountains are easier to climb with a friend, so you can get someone to do it with you!

How to study

Get a good night’s sleep: A recent study found a positive relationship between students’ grades and how much sleep they’re getting. However, this doesn’t only mean getting a full 8 hours of sleep before a big test. What matters, even more, is getting enough sleep for several nights before you do the bulk of your studying.

Switch up your study environment: Studies show that switching up your study environment can increase recall performance. Instead of studying at home every day, try checking out a new coffee spot each week or heading to your local library. A change in scenery can improve both your memory and concentration levels.

Stick with an environment that works: If you have a good space at home or a café that is reliably a productive place for you, it makes sense to stick with this when you are under pressure.

Listen to calming music: You can listen to any music you like, but many agree that classical, instrumental, and lo-fi beats make good background music for studying and can actually help you pay attention to the task at hand. Songs with lyrics can be distracting.

Eliminate distractions: Eliminate distractions by silencing your phone and any annoying background noises such as the TV or radio. Make a pact with yourself to avoid checking social media until your study session is over.

Snack on smart food: Coffee and candy will give you a temporary boost, but then you’ll have a damn sugar crash. For energy that is more focused and sustainable, try healthy snacks such as edamame, apples, or nuts.

and most importantly!

grades and test scores =/= your value as a human being

aight nonnie, that is all, *mwah* i believe in you, i believe that your strong and wonderful and you can handle this, *hugs you (if youre ok w it)* please take care of yourself

dont forget to drink water, get some sleep, eat some food, and please take care of yourself!! have a nice day,

mod peppermint out B)

#ask #anon #mod peppermint #rant #school #exams #student life #student motivation #motivation

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meichenxi · 3 years

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For langblr asks: 7, 10, 11, 18, and 49

Thanks!! This may get long, so I apologise in advance! I’m learning German and Esperanto alongside Chinese, but since my German is fairly advanced and I don’t really learn actively any more (I just read, listen to talks etc - mainly because I have no reason to actively speak German sadly) and my Esperanto is basic I’ll just talk about Chinese.

7 - What are some things that you learned about language learning that really improved your studying?

- Hands down learning about the role of attention in language learning. In an ideal situation, you are exposed to the target feature, then have your attention drawn to it/figure it out yourself, and are then exposed to it in natural language again. I think we all know the wild experience when you learn a word and then magically the universe provides it - and suddenly you know that word forever. I now like to think of word ‘learning’ as incremental rather than binary: recognising a word in a familiar context, an unfamiliar context, and then finally using the word are all different levels of ‘knowing’ that word. What this means in practice is that I worry less about not being able to use all the vocabulary actively that I recognise passively, because I know once I do use it actively that item will be easier to access. So there are two things here: first of all, that I don’t worry if I’m watching or reading something and don’t actively extract vocab from it, because I know that hearing it will make it easier to remember later on; and secondly, that if I ‘pay attention’ to a word but don’t ‘learn’ it because I haven’t seen it in context, that state of not knowing is temporary. The moment I see it in context - sometimes months later, when I had completely ‘forgotten’ that word - I know what it is. So I don’t stress as much about not being able to remember words from flashcards or whatever, because I know that seeing/hearing them in context is what cements that word, not just repetition.

10 - What are some thing that you love about the language you’re learning?

Oh my goodness. So many things. I love characters; they used to absolutely drive me crazy, but the ability to read after so long being unable to read now just feels wonderfully exciting every single time. I love learning about different components and how they combine together. I love too that the idea of ‘the word’ is tied so intimately to characters: there are psycholinguistic experiments showing that Chinese native speakers learning English show interference effects when two words are presented in English that have the same component (not even whole character!) and it slows down decision making. I love the way that tone and intonation interact and I love seeing how far I’ve come from not understanding how I could express emotion at all. I love what Chinese shows about the power of the second language learner: it’s incredibly homophonous because of limited syllables even with tones, and it’s radical pro-drop, the more formal you are the shorter/more concise sentences tend to be, and when you’re in a different dialect/Chinese language even those useful initials or finals can change and still you know what is being said. It’s incredible. I love the sound of <q> and <j> and <x> and especially the final <ing>.

The thing I love most about Chinese is its conciseness and elegance. I love learning about different systems of politeness and register and Literary Chinese is just so incredibly concise: if learning modern standard Mandarin is interesting, Literary Chinese is just...it blows my mind. It’s very unique: and I don’t mean this in the sense of ‘oh look how Exotic and Different’, I mean this typologically: it’s arguably the most analytical language in the world and is regularly used in linguistics papers to exemplify phenomena found in such highly analytical languages. I also think the encoding of order-based pragmatics into actual linguistic implicature is absolutely so cool.

I love the difference registers it has, and I love that it feels such a good language to moan about the bus being late in and also, you know, that kind of poetry which just takes your breath away. I love how the same sentence can be expressed in different registers and how grammar patterns from literary Chinese can be used in modern Chinese. I love how compounding and derivational morphology work in Chinese (it’s absolutely nuts?? and so versatile??) and I love how names carry so much meaning. I love it for its ambiguity and conciseness and completely *shrug* lack of need to express tense or person because you know, if you know you know.

And from a synesthete’s point of view, Chinese is beautiful too: it’s a crisp clear dawn-like language, cool and misty.

Finally, I love it for what it has taught me. It’s the first tonal language I’ve ever learnt, and the learning curve has been huge. Parts of it have been massively frustrating (we’ll get to that). I remember the week before I went to China for the first time hurriedly trying to learn some phrases, and I just couldn’t get them to stick in my head. I think I practiced ‘good morning’ about 10,000 times and I still couldn't say it right, or remember it. Languages were sort of my thing - I had taken my German GCSE early, done French and Spanish 0-GCSE in one year each, done three language A-levels (Spanish in five months because I dropped out of another A-level, self-taught German) as well as an extracurricular Latin GCSE. I was cocky!! And so not being able to do it was crushing at first and also just, what?? So learning Chinese has taught me patience, and it’s a useful bench-mark now if I ever feel like I can’t do anything. It’s taught me that you just need patience and determination, and that you'll get there in the end. Genuinely, that’s the most useful lesson I’ve learnt in my short life.

11 - What are some things that you don’t like / find frustrating about the language you’re learning?

Originally, I found both the pronunciation and characters immensely frustrating. I think I’m over those hurdles, and now what annoys me most is the grammar - and if anyone says there is no grammar in Chinese I may just murder you. Chinese grammar is hard because, as I’ve talked about before, a lot of rests on sentence patterns and a lot of it seems to shift in ways that, say, Spanish grammar doesn’t, depending on context, formality and so on. But the reason Chinese grammar is difficult is again because the categories it manipulates are ones that don’t map perfectly onto what we think is being manipulated. So we build representations in our mind and try to learn structures without realising that a lot of it is patterns, not something set in stone. This includes phenomena like topic-marking, fronting, emphasis and so on. The most ‘grammar’-like of Chinese grammar actually is based in large parts in implicatures and the pragmatic-semantic interface, which is very hard to teach. This is why I think that input is especially crucial in Chinese.

Also, embedded wh-questions are hard.

As I’m learning more, though, this is all gradually becoming less frustrating. I don’t want to jinx anything and I still have a lot to learn, but I’m feeling cautiously optimistic that the worst is behind me. Things are making a lot more sense now anyway!!!

18 - Have you had any conversations with natives of your target language/s? How did that go?

Haha, of course. I lived in China for six months and then visited again for two months. I also work as an English teacher online and have a lot of Chinese students. I also sometimes chat with other Chinese students in the German classes I was taking. I’m really excited though to go back to China though now that I’m a little bit better and see how I can improve from there!!! I feel like last time I wasn’t really at a good enough level to improve quickly; I think this time would be really hard, but I can communicate well enough that I hope people wouldn’t switch back to English.

One of the problems I have always had though has been that my pronunciation sounded better than my knowledge of the language - because of immersion. So people always assumed I understood way more than I actually did which was always terrible because I never knew wtf was going on.

One really really nice conversation I had recently: in my English class, a young girl’s mother asked if I could explain the present simple vs present continuous to her daughter...in Chinese. And regardless of what nonsense I said, the little girl understood! Ahhhh that warm glowy feeling of human connection and accomplishment.

49 - What are your language goals for 2021?

Since I’m learning quite intensively at the moment, these goals will be appropriately intense. Gulp.

1) Pass HSK5 (March). This is my biggest goal, and the first time I’ve ever worked towards a language exam so I’m a little nervous. I think it’s do-able (especially with the help of the course that I’m taking, HSK Online), but still large enough to be scary.

2) Be able to write all words up to HSK5 by hand (July). I have a little more time for this one - normally I don’t think handwriting is particularly important, but since I’m going to be studying in a Chinese university next year with the dreaded 听写 I need to be able to do it. They sort you into groups depending on your exam results, and if I can’t handwrite more than 我 then I’m not going to get very far. How do I plan on achieving this? I’m planning maybe on buying a subscription to Skritter again and working through (I really like them), but most importantly, just handwriting freely in a notebook and building up the habit.

3) Be able to read at the same speed as the subtitles. I know, I know, most people can. But I can’t lmao so let me practice.

4) Be in a good place to take HSK6 in early 2022. I don’t actually know if I’m going to take the HSK6 exam: maybe not. HSK5 is only important for me because I need it for a scholarship. But as random as some of the words are, it’s a very good benchmark and a useful list. Considering I’ll have from March until the end of the year, and from the end of June onwards I’ll be in a Mandarin-speaking environment (and be in a Chinese university from August/September) I think it’ll set me up well. It’s way too much to do by the end of the year though, so this goal is just to do as much as I can before 2022.

5) Read the first Harry Potter in Chinese. Guys, I’m not looking to understand the descriptions of the moat or Hagrid’s beard. But I want to be able to read the dialogue with ease, and be able to dip in and out of the book with ease.

6) Complete my literary Chinese textbook (mid-year).

7) Be able to watch shows like Streetdance of China without subs. I can watch some shows already without subs, but I often feel that’s more to do with galaxy-brain thinking, ‘reading the room’ and being lazy than actually understanding all the words. Despite shows like the Untamed having more ‘difficult’ vocab, I find them a lot easier to understand than variety shows etc because the audio is extremely clear and not too fast. Watching Nirvana in Fire without subs will have to be a goal for 2022 lmao; no way will that happen by this time next year.

8) Learn the top 1000 traditional characters and practice reading traditional more. This is not as hard as it sounds: past about the top 500, many of them differ in very predictable ways.

And here are three long-term goals I have no time limits on:

1) Read MDZS and TGCF in Chinese. Ahhh. The dream.

2) Read lots of wuxia!!!!!!! All the wuxia!!!!!!!! Be able to read actual books, imagine.

3) Use Chinese for academic research on Chinese dialects and Tibetan languages. This is kind of...my career path...so!

Thanks for the ask!!

11 notes · View notes

jungxk · 5 years

Text

just one (vi)

notes: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

warnings: smut (f recieving), protected sex

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 5.3k

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x

you watch sadly as you tip your case of empty paint tubes into the bin. they were your absolute favourite, a birthday gift from jimin almost two years ago. you had been so careful and stingy with them all this time to preserve as much as possible - at least to get you to the end of the semester - so it was disheartening to have to finally throw them out. oils were always your favourite. still, there wasn't much time for moping; if you were to get your next piece finished by the deadline you better start now because of the drying period between layers of watercolour.

"maybe jungkook has a hairdryer..." you mumble to yourself before padding over to his room. he's sitting at his tiny little work desk with his back to you when you peek over his shoulder. "kook, do you have a hairdryer?"

he points without removing his eyes from the screen. "the bottom drawer over there."

"thanks," you do a double take as you pass him with the appliance in tow, his eyes a little bloodshot and face twisted into what looks like terror. usually you couldn't so much as clean a paintbrush without jungkook all over you while you were at his place, but he barely spoke the whole afternoon. you take a tentative step towards him, because if he was anything like jimin when he's stressed he might get rabid. "you alright?"

"i dunno, am i?" he collapses back into the chair, threading his fingers through his hair which was getting wonderfully long. but the only thing you can pay attention to now are his panicked eyes and jittery knees. "i don't know what the fuck any of these numbers mean! why do i even need this for photography-"

"what is it?" you smooth your hand over his back, muscles stiff.

he deflates under your touch. "i agreed to peers taking questionnaires about my portfolio so far and i fucking regret it, noona. this stats software looks nothing like minecraft. i dont know what this all means. my prof said it'd help with cohesiveness - whatever that means - but he's off on one if he thinks this has done anything other than confuse me and ruin my life."

you try your best to hold back a smile, but jungkook is so cute when he's pouty and frustrated. "okay, well what are your variables?"

"my what? baby, i'm not in the mood right now-"

"no you dipshit, like," you gesture with your hands. "what are the things you're measuring? in the questionnaire?"

jungkook stares at you blankly. "i'm...what?"

you roll your eyes, grabbing the back of his chair to swivel him and plop onto his lap. "let me see."

jungkook has no idea what's going on, both because he doesn't know what you're talking about and also because you're covering the screen so he's spared of having to follow your clicking and tinkering. all he knows is that you fit nicely on his lap and that your bare thighs are warm on his, and it's much easier to focus on that anyway. especially since you aren't wearing underwear. after a few minutes he hooks his chin over your shoulder to at least try to keep up. "what are you doing, noona?"

"just cleaning up your dataset," you mumble. you finally perk up after a few more minutes. "oh, okay! so all you want to know is if the people who like the first half of your portfolio like the second half just as much, and whether that opinion affects the other? like a correlation, right?"

he sits up excitedly. "yeah! yeah, that's it," he stares at your profile in disbelief while you waste no time in running the analyses. "how do you know about this stuff, noona?"

"i did stats in my science major. the software i had back then, now that was a real pain in the ass. but this one isn't so bad," you reply absently while jungkook keeps staring at you like you're an angel that descended from the heavens especially for him. he has yet to believe otherwise. "hmm, you know i think you can skip all the sample level descriptives and cronbach's alpha scores and go straight to pearson's r if all you're looking for is a correlation. what would you prefer?"

he breathes in your hair; coconut, jasmine. his cologne. "you’re so sexy when i don’t understand what you’re saying."

jimin's face twists when he tests the contents of the pan. "can you tell me why this tastes like tae's dirty socks?"

“can you tell me why you know what tae’s dirty socks taste like?” you lean over the counter, swiping a finger over the ladle before bringing it to your mouth. you always used to cook for your family when you were younger, and although you had gone off it after what happened, you didn't mind when it was with jimin. with him, you didn't think about the memories of cutting onions with your father or grinding chillies with your mother and sister. it all felt new again, something that was never tarnished. which is why jimin is the only one you can stand to cook with even if he's unable to make anything but mojitos and a single pasta dish. "not enough garlic."

he squints at his phone while you manoeuvre him out of your way. "but it says two cloves in the recipe?"

"it's never two cloves," you take the knife and start to crush and peel more. "always start with four, maybe five."

"can't we just order takeout?" jimin pouts pathetically. he just washed his hair so its still damp, cheeks a rosy from the bathroom steam. you only wish his long line of hookups could see their ladies man now, bundled up in a powerpuff girls sweater that he stole from you months ago.

"no," you pluck his phone from his hand before he can dial, replacing it with more cloves for him to peel. "you've been having takeout all week! all that oil can't be good for you, what's the point of sweating your tits off in that gym if you're just gonna eat shit?"

"i don't always eat shit!"

"jimin. we share a just eat email account. i know the chinese place isn't sending me customer loyalty codes," he rounds the stool where you're sat in the small place between your back and the wall, his palm skirting behind your waist to move you gently aside. "just let me see you eat a vegetable today, i'm begging. so if you keel over tomorrow from IBS i'll feel less guilty."

"alright alright," he huffs, rubbing at his puffy eyes with his sleeve before picking up the knife again. "i don't see what the big deal is, if i was breaking out then that'd be another issue but my body can clearly handle it. maybe it's like that episode of drake and josh where his body becomes accustomed to all the junk food he eats and-"

"please don't use drake and josh as a marker for your health."

"fine," and then without missing a beat, "but what about kenan and kel? all that orange soda and kel was totally fine. healthy even."

"physically, maybe. but did you see the screw in the tuna episode? don't tell me he didn't have inner demons that may or may not have been increased by an overly processed diet," you pause. "wait, am i the kenan in this friendship?"

"depends. i want to say you're the brains but i've also seen you try to open a can with a fork, so."

"hey! that wasn't my fault!" you exclaim, but jimin ignores you purposely. "taehyung told me you fucked yeri in the kitchen, how was i supposed to know what was and wasn't contaminated?"

"___, the fork was plastic."

"well what else would you have me do, starve?"

"what is this, the fucking famine? you said it yourself, we share a just eat email so the smart thing to do would be order. besides i dunno what makes you think i'd fuck a girl with a can opener in my vicinity anyway-"

"um, you're you," you chastise. "so i rest my case."

"then i'm definitely kenan," jimin laughs when you swat at him before your phone vibrates, one after another until it almost falls off the kitchen counter if you didn't grab it in time. you don't dare to unlock your phone when you see the contact name on the screen, too hyper-aware of jimin eyeing you over the chopping board. even he sees the gist of the messages jungkook sent you.

[jungkook 7:13pm] u left ur shirt here again noona

[jungkook 7:13pm] at this rate ur never gonna get it back are u :)

[jungkook 7:14pm] i'm free all day tomorrow

[jungkook 7:16pm] wanna come over?

[jungkook 7:16pm] i still haven't washed it btw so

[jungkook 7:17pm] we can do laundry together :))

[jungkook 7:18pm] or maybe later tonight ? i can pick u up ?

you don't even get a good read of the messages - all those smiley faces gave you enough of an idea. it wasn't a surprise or anything, but you still switch your phone to do not disturb and leave it face down on the counter like you have something to hide. which you don't. so why did it feel so wrong? so disrespectful, here in jimin's kitchen? you gnaw at your cheek.

jimin has his back to you so thankfully you're spared of having to gage his expression. he's probably sent a million thirsty texts so he knows what they look like, knows that he shouldn't be surprised. still, he shifts from foot to foot uneasily. the only thing that makes him stop is you leaning wordlessly over him to lower the stove to a simmer, turning the tap on to wash some rice and hum quietly. here was jeon jungkook, arguably the biggest stud on campus blowing up your phone on a friday night but nothing felt different. you'd always choose him and jimin knew that.

"what do you think of egg fried rice?" you ask over your shoulder. "i haven't made it in ages. the one with the veggies?"

jimin smiles. "i love that one,"

"he's not back yet?" you ask when yoongi lets you into the flat, shoulders deflating childishly. he gives you a lazy shake of his head before nudging you to the sofa to take up your usual spot on the matted cushion in the corner, kicking your shoes away and sitting cross legged. yoongi and namjoon's flat was only round the corner from jungkook's, a worn down little two-bed that smelled rather questionable at times, but it quickly became a familiar place. a safe place. especially because of how often you'd come over while jungkook was running late at class or the gym or photo-hunting. coming to terms with the fact that you were sleeping with jungkook wasn't that hard, but being friends with his friends was.

"it's leg day. you know how jungkookie feels about his chicken calves," yoongi says before flopping down next to you. namjoon was tucked into the other side with a book, effectively squishing you into yoongi with his big shoulders. if jungkook was here he'd pout about having nowhere to sit and the thought only makes you more pleased. "he'd be there until sundown if you weren't waiting for him."

"are you sure you're one to talk about chicken legs?" you reach to tickle yoongi's knees and he barely manages to flinch away in time.

"i love my chicken legs the way they are, thanks. can't say the same for your boyfriend though."

you freeze. "i told you to stop saying that, yoongi. you know he hates the b word. one more slip up and you won't ever see me here again. last time he avoided me for two weeks!"

"never see you again? doubt it. your hair clogged the shower drain yesterday so you pretty much owe rent at this point," yoongi keeps flicking through the channels on the television. "besides, i know what a man with a monkey on his back looks like. kookie just doesn't like being reminded of it because unfortunately for him there's no rehab to quit you."

a rush of blood goes straight to your cheeks. yoongi loves to tease you and you know that, second only to jungkook who actually does get off to it, but you still tap nervously on the carpet with your toes while desperately hoping for namjoon to step into the conversation with a weird conspiracy theory or black hole fact he read on an astronomy blog. anything to dig you out of this metaphorical hole you and jungkook are hellbent on ignoring. yoongi sees the way you curl in on yourself slightly, a sensible and collected flower like you reduced to a fidgety school girl. it's cute.

"hyung," namjoon says with his eyes still glued to his book. "stop winding her up or her face'll explode and then jiminie will come for your throat."

yoongi scoffs. "and? what's that short-ass gonna do, cry on me to death?"

"you're like two inches taller than him."

"two and a half, actually."

"so he really was a crybaby?" you scoot to fold your legs under you. "jungkook told me before but i didn't believe him! i've tried everything but i can never get a reaction out of jimin...i mean, if horny isn't an emotion."

"oh yeah, totally," namjoon puts an arm on the back on the back of the sofa behind you when he looks up. his silver hair brings out the beautifully rich undertone of his skin and it's difficult not to stare, being so close. "if the patriarchy hadn't fucked him up he'd be a real tree hugger, i'm sure of it. but the last time i saw him cry was...hmm..."

"five years ago," yoongi chimes. "when jungkookie got caught."

"ooooh yeah," namjoon nods. "but jimin and jungkook were super close back then. he was so protective of him, waited in the custody office for hours until they finally-"

"wait," you look between them. "caught? what do you mean?"

the boys exchange a glance between them. it's not like you didn't know that yoongi sells weed and often with namjoon's help. in fact, they often told you about their wild stories and close calls. but they had never mentioned jungkook being involved with any of that stuff, and neither had he. you always just assumed that he'd kept his head out of it, being a college student and all but yoongi's shrugging and namjoon's pursed lips tell you otherwise.

"jungkook got charged with possession as a minor," yoongi says. "i mean, seventeen but still. too baby-faced."

"jungkook sold for you?" you repeat, not quite believing your ears. he had always been the better off out of his friends that often did shadier things, but the more you got to know him the more you felt like the jungkook you heard about and the jungkook you knew were two different boys. it really shouldn't have come as a surprise, since he had practically grown up with yoongi, namjoon and jimin. his hyungs were his family and he'd do anything for them, there was really no reason he wouldn't take up their trade.

"oh yeah, almost a year. he was good at it too," namjoon laughs. "our kookie's good at everything if you give him enough chances."

"so what happened?" you press. "does he...does he still sell?"

"are you kidding? we got him out of all that shit the second he stepped out the office," yoongi rubs the back of his neck. "jungkook isn't like us. he's a good kid with a lot of talent and he didn't need to be doing all that you know? we convinced him to go to school instead but even then, jimin made us swear to look out for him because he left earlier than kookie."

"wow, jimin really hasn't changed," you lean back. "in like, taking care of people i mean. so is that when jungkook got into photography? he did talk about getting his first camera when he was like eighteen or something..."

namjoon nods happily in recollection. "yup! we were so proud when jungkook got accepted into university, especially after jimin and hobi. people from our town don't usually pursue higher education-"

"especially with kookie's record," yoongi laughs.

"why?" you blink at him.

"the weed was one thing, but jungkook also got a strike for violence."

namjoon winces. "hyung, he's gonna throw a tantrum if you tell her..."

"i don't care. she's fucking him, she has a right to know," yoongi retorts evenly, dark eyes swivelling to meet yours. his light hair is matted from under his beanie, barely missing his lashes. "a few years ago jungkook beat a guy so bad he had to go into emergency. it was pretty gross. broken nose, missing teeth, you name it. he's been on thin ice since but he doesn't act like it."

you take a second to digest the information. "do you...do you know why?" you waver, unable to keep the horror from your voice. "knocking a guy's teeth out? people don't just do that!"

"kookie did," namjoon sighs.

"but why? it's so...i just can't imagine jungkook doing something like that..."

"something like what?"

your head snaps to the doorway where jungkook can be seen only partially when he bends over to unlace his shoes, namjoon and yoongi simultaneously pinching your legs to wipe the wide-eyed look off your face. it was one of the many times when wearing your heart on your sleeve did not do you any favours. you just about manage to look normal enough within the half a second it takes for jungkook to come in, hair mussed from his post-gym shower and tee wrinkled from being stuffed into the bottom of his bag. his eyes look extra big today, nose and knuckles blushed pink from all the lifting. he couldn't look farther from the violent offender yoongi and namjoon described. in fact, the sudden urge to kiss him hello was near suffocating.

"i was telling her about the time you wore hyung's underwear for two weeks," namjoon explains, years of lying paying off with how smoothly he returns to his book.

"what!" yoongi splutters. "are you kidding?! a whole week, jungkook that's disgusting-"

the younger boy winces. "not the same pair!"

"wait. you took more than one?!"

"um..."

"how many. tell me right now you little shit."

"i promise they were clean!" jungkook says defensively, but his buck teeth show in a defensive little grin. it's impossible to be mad at him. "my washing machine broke, remember? and i never have change so i didn't go to the laundrette's and-"

"which ones?" yoongi's voice becomes obnoxiously loud with dismay. "tell me right now so can go upstairs and burn them. jesus jungkook you could have at least asked me, now i have to live with the knowledge that your bollocks is acquainted with mine until i die-"

"hyung they were clean," jungkook insists. "and if i asked i knew you wouldn't have let me borrow them!"

"yeah because it's gross! why didn't you just take joonie's?"

"i did. but he caught me and told me to take yours instead."

you just about manage to insert yourself between yoongi before he can grab a fistful of namjoon's hair while jungkook throws back his head in a loud cackle.

[jimin 7:58pm] you dont mind do u?

it's hard not to roll your eyes at his message, momentarily leaving your phone on the bed while you unclasp your bra. it wasn't the first time jimin had bailed on you last minute because of some girl he'd picked up for longer than expected. you're just thankful that this time he had the courtesy to tell you before you got to his house and burst into his bedroom without knocking only to see areas of your best friend you really did not need to see. even though you shudder at the memories - yes, plural - the sinking feeling of disappointment can't be masked. it's movie night.

[you 8:01pm] yh its fine

[you 8:02pm] but u owe me one i put on a bra for you asshole

[jimin 8:04pm] ofc babe

[jimin 8:04] just skip it next time :)

you snort before locking your phone and throwing it on the bed, padding over the room in your knickers to select some sleeping shorts off the floor. jisoo went home for a family birthday and seulgi had a deadline for monday, so it was safe to say you were alone for the weekend. you were used to being alone but you didn't like it; it was the reason why you'd always trudge to jimin's if the girls weren't home or even yoongi and namjoon's, even if it was just to take a nap on their sofa. you needed the noise, the background bickering. that's why there's only so much paint brush washing and kitchen cleaning you can do before reaching for your phone and messaging jungkook.

or at least that's what you tell yourself when he's in your bed within the hour, head resting on your stomach and his leg thrown over your ankles. you trace along the tattoo on his bicep closest to you, admiring the cohesiveness and line placement while jungkook dozes off, like he often does after sex. he's had a long week so you let him sleep, hair sticking up and mouth open like a toddler, so impossibly cute you can't help combing through his nape. jungkook doesn't often spend the night at yours so this was a rarity, and you had to admit he did look a little out of place in your tiny little room. he was far too big for your bed, one foot already hanging off, clothes and jacket hurled into the corner with only cheap fairy lights to rely on so you don't go tripping over his shoes at the door.

you could draw him like this. jungkook's eyelashes are short and pin-straight, eyebrows angled and distinctive. quick, sharp pencil strokes. he's got the faintest shadow above his top lip from where didn't have time to shave today. you'd use charcoal for his hair, black with a slight wave. a swooping curve for his nose, a more gentle line for his jaw. he looks harmless like this: not at all resembling the boy yoongi described.

"why are you so quiet, noona?" he grumbles into the duvet, eyes still closed. "you should be snoring my ears off by now."

you pout. "i'm too busy wondering how i'm gonna get your river of drool out of my pillow."

he snorts. "throw your sheets in on a fast cycle and voila."

"what fast cycle? i just press every button on the machine until it starts."

he opens his eyes. "you're an animal."

you laugh, tugging on the roots of his hair where your hand is still nestled inside. "how do you know so much about washing machines anyway?"

"my mum worked a lot growing up," jungkook yawns. "hyung did the cooking and i did the laundry."

you freeze. "you have a brother?"

"i swear i told you that," he scoots across your stomach, taking the pillow with him to position it over your hip so he can look at you properly. his eyes look glassy in the lights, lids hooded and hair pushed back. a real dreamboat wrapped in a hello kitty duvet. "two years older, same as jimin."

"no wonder jimin cares about you so much," you keep playing with his hair, watching his eyes droop closed. "he may as well be your brother." jungkook hums in reply, growing more and more drowsy from all the petting. "so...how come your mum worked so much?"

his eyes open to look at you, hesitating. "dad left when we were young. she didn't really have a choice."

"i didn't know that jungkook..." you pause. "that must have been hard."

he rolls to face the ceiling, like he's thinking twice before he answers. "not really. eomma's a badass, there's nothing she can't handle. yeah money and stuff wasn't easy, and it sucked when i was younger and didn't understand why hyung and eomma were so upset after what happened, but it's whatever. the three of us are so good together, you know? i like it like this."

you nod. because you do know. or, did. you wonder now if that's the reason jungkook got involved with yoongi and namjoon in the first place, to help out his family, but even you know some questions are better left unasked. instead, you chip away at jungkook while you can, since you know barely anything about him beyond student life and his friends. who knows when he would be in the mood to open up again. "so what does your brother do?"

"an accountant. for some fancy law firm in the city," he smiles. "hyung is super smart. like you."

you laugh. "you know i didn't finish my first major, right?"

"by choice. not because you weren't capable," he finishes, and to that you have no choice but to shut up. no one had ever put it that way before. "he's super quiet like you too, keeps to himself. gives really good advice. oh my god, and his kimchi pork stew - amazing!" his teeth gleam take up his whole mouth when he smiles, lines creasing around his eyes. "so many times when me and mum would argue, hyung was the reason why we'd stop. guess i got her temper."

you watch him closely. "you argued often?"

"at one point, yeah. not because we didn't like each other or anything, just..." you can see him hesitating again, cheek sucked in from where he chews it while staring up at the ceiling as if the memories are playing back at him on a projector. you keep quiet, let him get there on his own. "mum went through a phase where she dated a lot. felt bad that neither of us had a father figure and all that bullshit. she brought home some real dickheads, some top tier cunts i'm telling you. and i...wasn't exactly nice to them. ever since then i just hate seeing girls be pushed around by assholes, you know? it does something to me, i dunno. here," he lays a hand over his stomach. "i can't just watch. i can't. it's like i'm gonna be sick."

it's hard not to cry listening to him, seeing the lines in his forehead appear along with the crinkle above his nose. it made sense now, what yoongi told you about before. thinking back to the whole escapade with jinyoung in your kitchen, the whole thing hit you differently.

jungkook was exactly the kind of boy your old family would have frowned upon, reckless and thoughtless and emotionally-driven in the face of adversity. absolutely everything you were taught not to be. but you admired him for those very reasons. before you can start crying you sit up, silencing jungkook with a kiss before he can ask you what's wrong. it's firm and deliberate, your hands holding both his cheeks. he's breathless. "you seriously fucking worry me, slick."

"oh?" his eyes stay focused on your lips while he moves to you, positions you underneath him on the foot of the bed, pulling your thighs around his hips so you gasp at the feel of his semi on your soft inner thigh. he dips his head to kiss along your sternum, hand ghosting over your breasts before closing his mouth around your nipple.

"i nev-never know what you're gonna do next," you exhale shakily, arching into him involuntarily at the sensation. jungkook takes the opportunity to rub the pads of his fingers against your cunt, using the remnants of your arousal to help you along. sure enough you accept his fingers greedily, but he takes his time in stretching you out and easing in further, further.

his thumb gently passes over your clit and you shake. "never? not even now?"

you have to forcibly yank his face away from your tits to kiss him, slowly and with passion. his skin grows damp under your hands, muscles rippling under your touch from where he holds himself up on his forearms. he likes feeling the softness of your tummy against his, your thick thighs cushioning him snugly against you. just like always, it's torture having to pull away from you for a brief second to grab a condom, but the familiar chuckle you breathe out to see him speed back into your arms almost makes it worth it. you take the packet from him, about to tear it open before he grabs your hand with a cheeky smile. "in a minute."

before you can question him about it you yelp he tugs you by the hips, sliding up to angle your ass so your knees have no choice but to hook over his shoulders. jungkook's arms wind around the top of your thighs, thick and secure, nails scraping gently through your coarse curls before he pulls your legs apart as wide as they'll go and lowers his mouth onto you. the noise you make is just as embarrassing as always, so loud and uncontrollable, hysterical even. you've gotten used to being jungkook's fourth, fifth and sixth meal of the day but he steals your breath away every time, leaves you squirming and trembling and this instance was no exception. today he was feeling indulgent so he eats you out messily, makes sure he's loud enough for you hear every squelch and slurp. you physically shake when he sucks a gently kiss to your clit, proud of yourself for not screaming. jungkook, however, isn't happy about that and keeps sucking until you do. harder, harder, and then filling you up with his fingers so you have something to clench around when you cum all over him in a rush.

your back is still off the bed when he reaches your eye level again, the family sound of the foil wrapper ripping from the condom packet making you lift your head up to look at him. he's already rolling it down his length when he peer downwards, and even though you only get a glimpse of his blushing head he's sticky and hot with pre-cum. you wiggle in anticipation and jungkook laughs at your cuteness before leaning back down, taking your hands in his for a change. he can see the appeal, interlocking your fingers with his palms against yours and using only his hips as leverage to push into your sopping center, letting you move against him so he's lodged in as deep as he can fit before he starts rocking into you.

your moans are his favourite song, maybe that's why he wants to listen to them all day. he'd like to make you cum again but it's difficult for him once his hips start stuttering uncontrollably, no matter how much he tries to slow his pace. you let go of his hands then to take his face, his eyes closed when he feels you press your smooth lips to his cheekbone; an encouraging kiss. a go on, i want you to kiss. the moan he let's out before giving in is fragile and wispy, nose digging into your neck while he ruts against you to his end. you clench around him harder just to hear jungkook whimper again, pliant and weak in your arms. all of a sudden, out of nowhere you wish you could feel the rush of his cream spilling from you when he pulls out to discard the condom. he nestles back into your breasts afterwards, smelling himself on your skin.

jungkook falls asleep smiling.

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biopsychs · 6 years

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What I Learned From University (2nd Year)

See what I learned in first year here

Adjust how you study → I have a different study method for each class. Even if the content is similar to another class or you’ve had the prof before, you have to personalize your learning.

You can skip class sometimes → My introductory microbiology class was the worst class I’ve ever taken and I love microbiology. The prof sucked and I found I could just catch up on notes on the bus and have extra time to sleep in. I rarely skip class but I realized my time was much better spent working on other things. Only skip classes if catching up on notes is more efficient/a better use of your time than actually going to lectures. Also, don’t be afraid to take a day off (when you can) if your mental or physical health is suffering.

Group projects suck → I knew this already but nothing could have prepared me for what I had to deal with in my one semester long research methods class. I wish I had talked to my TA or prof earlier to explain what was going on and how I could fix it. (Side note: Use Google docs for group projects!)

Mentoring programs are a great thing to be involved in → I got involved with a mentoring program for women in stem at my university and it has been such a valuable experience! I have access and connections to upper year students and women working in academia and industry who are there to provide help and guidance. My only regret is that I was too timid to ask for help at the start -- take advantage of the opportunities you have!

Get larger projects like reports and essays done as soon as you get them → My organic chemistry lab reports always took so long to write so I would delay working on them. However, I eventually got into a routine of finishing my lab report (or at least 95% of my report) on weekends (my labs were on Fridays) and it made my life so much easier! Just get it done and you won’t have the looming stress of a big project or report hanging over you.

Go to social events on and off campus → You can be social in so many different ways at university! Find something you’re comfortable with or go just outside your comfort zone. I went to a pizza party for psych majors and it was chill. I also went to a pubcrawl and it was so much fun. If you’re hesitant, drag a friend along the first time but make sure you talk to new people!

Apply for summer jobs early → Lots of good summer jobs for university students are posted early! I check my university’s job board and also look for jobs that are meant for students (where I live the government will provide funding for summer students to certain organizations). Make sure you send in your applications in as soon as possible too! Even if the deadline to apply is in two weeks, some places will get in touch with applicants (and could potentially hire someone) before that deadline. Find out if your uni has a career advising office (or something like that) and check it out, if you need help with resumes, cover letters, interviews, etc.

Leave your options open → If you’re unsure about your major or career path, leave your options open as much as you can! Use the time you have now to explore what you really like. Last year I made the decision to do a double major in biology and psychology, because I wanted to go to med school but also wanted to leave the option of research (in bio or psych) open. Now, I’ve decided to major in psych and minor in bio, with the intent to pursue clinical psychology. I took classes and got research experience that helped me make an informed decision about what I really like and want to do.

Get involved in research and use your connections → Get research experience as early as possible. This will help you figure out if you actually want to pursue research or not, and will be so helpful with applications if you end in a position where you’re doing your own research! I have found it much easier to get involved with research by having connections (like talking to a prof, grad student, or upper year undergrad student who is already involved with a lab) rather than sending out cold emails to profs and hoping they’ll reply. If you are sending an email to a prof/lab you don’t have any connections to, make sure your personalize it -- mention any prior experience you have and why you’re interested in that lab specifically.

Check your email constantly → As a general rule, you can never check your email too much. Make an effort to reply to emails as soon as you get them, because otherwise you might forget about them. In general, reply to emails within 24 hours anyways.

Take a summer class → I took a summer class on the psychology of motivation and it was totally worth it. I knew I would have to take a summer class at one point and I knew I would prefer to do it earlier in my degree (taking a summer class in my last year does not sound like fun). It was refreshing to see how well I could do when one class was my only priority and I was able to learn/retain the content so much better. It was also nice that I was able to take an upper level course (my previous psych courses had been only 1st or 2nd year level) by itself so I could get used to the increased demands. One thing to note is that summer classes go by really quickly (in my case 3 lectures were equivalent to 3 weeks of classes) so make sure you’re keeping up with the material.

Find your optimal level of stress → One thing I learned in my motivation class is that we all have an optimal level of stress. Think of it as an inverted U shape, with performance on the y axis and stress on the x axis. The highest point, the top of the U, is your optimal level of stress, where stress is helping you perform to the best of your ability. If you move past that point (either less stress or more stress) your performance is going to decrease. If your stress levels are high and anxiety-causing your performance is going to suffer. I found my optimal level of stress when I was studying for my first motivation midterm -- I was cramming the night before but because I had no other pressing responsibilities (like 4 other classes) I was able to feel stressed without feeling panic or test anxiety also. Find your optimal level of stress and see how well you perform. Remember that feeling when your stress levels are rising so you have a baseline to get back to.

Don’t get stuck as “premed” → Being premed is completely okay but don’t close yourself off from other options. I know so many people who are premeds and are also biochemistry majors. Some of these people don’t even like biochemistry but stick with it because they think it will make their application look better. Please study something you’re actually interested in. Med school is a great option but just make sure you have a plan B (and a degree that is going to suit this plan B). I know someone who graduated with their biochemistry degree and regretted it -- by the end of their degree, their plan was no longer med school and they wished they had done a general biology degree, w classes they liked, while taking a few biochem classes they liked. I used to consider myself premed but I realized clinical psychology is a much better fit for what I actually like/am good at. Just make sure you want to be a doctor for the right reasons is all I’m saying.

Morning classes are actually kind of okay → Everyone talks about how bad morning classes are, but I actually prefer them. I have a hard time paying attention in later classes and it’s really nice to have all my classes done by mid-day. Just make sure you keep a regular sleep schedule (i.e. try to go to bed/ wake up at reasonably early times so your body can recover better on the nights where you get less sleep)

Always come prepared → This applies for so many things. Bring a snack, don’t forget your charger, do your readings. You’re never going to regret being prepared but you may regret not being prepared.

Be ready to register for classes → Know your time and date to register for classes and be ready to click register right at that time! I always make multiple schedules b/c often the lab times or classes I want to take are full. If a class is full, make sure you know what to do. Register on the waitlist. If there isn’t a waitlist, find out who you need to talk to (usually the prof or department head). Check back a few times a week to see if spots open up in classes, because a lot of people change their schedule. Don’t wait to talk to an academic advisor if you’re not sure which classes to take or have any concerns.

Quizlet is a blessing → Quizlet is an app/website that lets you make flashcards and view other people’s flashcard sets. Study flashcards while you’re waiting in line for coffee or on the bus. You may also be able to find flashcards from people who took the same class as you -- use those! If you make your own flashcards be a nice person and share them with your friends :)

A bad grade is not the end of the world → In one class I got 35% on my first midterm and never managed to get a midterm grade higher than 68%. I was absolutely destroyed when I saw that mark on my first midterm and was ready to give up. Please don’t give up! I talked to my prof and was able to have my other midterms weighted more and I used my lab reports to bring my mark up. If you show your profs you’re working hard they’ll do what they can to help you out. It’s really easy to feel like your hard work is not making a difference, especially if you’re continually not getting the results you want -- this doesn’t mean you should stop working hard, it just means you may have to study differently, review material daily, and ask for help! If you fail you need to remember that you will have to work harder -- you have to keep up with the new material and relearn the old material. I wasn’t overly happy when I saw my final grade in the aforementioned class but, when I compared it to my first midterm and my feelings of utter confusion, I was satisfied with my grade because it showed my progress and improvement (and I also used it to motivate me to never let it happen again).

Realize that everyone is at university for different reasons → Some people have big goals, some people are still figuring it out, and some people just want to get their degree as soon as possible. There’s nothing wrong with being any of the above, just don’t expect everyone to have the same goals as you.

Know the deadlines for dropping courses → Even if you don’t think you’ll be dropping or changing any courses, write the dates down in your planner. My friend waited a few days too long to drop a math class that turned out to be extremely difficult and, even though she passed it in the end, she was stressed out all semester and her performance in other classes suffered as a result.

You’ll always be meeting new people and making friends → I lived off campus first year and felt like I had missed my chance to make friends. I shouldn’t have worried so much. Second year was much better in that there were a lot more familiar faces in my classes and I got to know other people much better through smaller classes and labs! Other people are always happy to make friends so just take the first step by starting a conversation :)

You can’t give 100% all the time → Some of the best advice that I was given this year was that you can’t give 100% all the time. You only have so much time and energy (mental and physical) you can give. For some tasks, the outcome from 70% effort and 100% effort may not be too different. Figure out what tasks those are so that you have enough energy to give 100% when you really need it.

#studyblr #university #studyquill #elkstudies #intellectys #etudiance #studyplants #studybuzz #briellestudies #mine

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japanessie · 5 years

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Hi Shelly! I'm sorry you're feeling blue! I was going to ask that about Taka and Hiro, too, but was worried I'd get too upset but since someone else asked anyway...It just kind of made me wince with hurt for Hiro when a few years ago Taka ranted on instagram about privacy (for his own life, not about his family). Like, where was your voice when your own fans were BULLYING your baby brother or when they posted on a forum after the ONE time Tomohiro finally showed his face, they asked if he was...

[2/3] Adopted! He already had issues being on camera (hasnt been on since, cant blame him). So, Hiroki looks too much like Taka but Tomo doesn’t look enough? They’re his little brothers, I think bullying BOTH Little brothers is when the time to speak up is. I’m not saying the bros cant handle themselves but I just feel Hiro, aside from mfs, has been on his own. It would be nice if his eldest brother took responsibility for his so called “fans” who attack his family and stood up…

[3/3] Sorry it just hits close to home. I know what it’s like 2 not have your older bro there when u need him most. When he leaves u in a house burning with hatred (i got to hear my parents accuse each other of cheating while my bro was out smoking & drinking. It makes me wonder what Hiroki heard when no one thought he was listening). I dont mean to take it personally or anything, I just feel like Hiroki & I are very similar. It’s why I like mfs. I’m sorry, I just have no one else to talk about it to.

−−−−−−−−−−−−−− −−−−−−−−−−−−−−

Hi 😊. I combined your messages together into one for easier reading

First of all I’m sorry for the pain that you personally had to go through. I hope you’re doing okay 🤗. At the same time though, I see uniqueness besides similarities in everybody’s situation.

1. Someone who is broken can’t be a crutch for someone else

In a traditional family setup in many cultures, even more prominent in Asian cultures, the eldest child is always the one assumed to carry responsibilities of looking after the younger ones. In a family crisis situation, while the younger ones theoretically have the one they can turn to, the eldest child has nobody and is usually left to fend for himself and everybody else.

Some elder kids have the inner strength and maturity to carry it at young age but some really struggle with it and only develop at a later age. Your brother and Taka seem to be in the latter category. Like Taka, your brother walked out because he was hurting and that was the shortcut way he knew how to surpress it and to stay away from what was troubling him at home. He couldn’t be your pillar when he was broken himself. Just like Taka who took the quick way out and his story had been well documented.

Also, a lot of times, someone who feels worthless doesn’t understand why anyone would feel hurt to see him walk away. I’m sure Taka himself only fully began to understand NOW, as an adult, the hurt he caused Hiro when he walked away back then. In his mind, he was a loser. Not doing well in school, stressed out over the parents’ marriage breaking up, not getting along with their father, very unhappy and not knowing where his future was heading. Certainly not someone for little Hiro to look up to. How would he look after Hiro when he could barely take care of himself?

* The Moriuchi brothers in those days when they used to be around each other a lot, before OOR moved out of Japan 😊

2. Some people need to pull themselves together first before they can love others

That dark period in Taka’s life was not something he’s proud of. He acknowledges it in interviews and his lyrics. Even OOR members admitted that Taka wasn’t exactly a pleasant person to deal with when they first found him. But once he got his life on track, things fell into places. He made amend with his father and got back the Moriuchi name. While Taka couldn’t give back the years with him that Hiro lost, he let Hiro hang around his friends and be a part of his life back in that way.

Even Hiro never denied the perks of being Taka’s brother. The most significant was when one of Taka’s close friends K from Pay Money To My Pain befriended Hiro and how that friendship led to the formation of MY FIRST STORY.

Think again, would Kei Goto a.k.a the late K simply befriend a random underaged high school kid just like that? I highly doubt it 🤔. Hiroki Moriuchi was NOT some random high school kid. K and Taka were buddies and Hiro the high school kid was Taka’s little brother. I doubt Taka would let his little brother hang around someone he didn’t trust. He knew Hiro was in good hands. All these happened only after Taka got his life back on track and was able to be the big brother figure he was meant to be for Hiro.

3. Taka publicly standing up for Hiro would be bad for Hiro’s image

Yes, it would be counter-productive for Taka to do so. You see, the ROOT of the hate and cyber-bullying towards Hiro stemmed from how easy things happened for him because of his family connection. If Taka had spoken out, it would make Hiro appear weak and ultra-dependant on his big brother.

“Duh! Not only he got a band because he’s Taka brother. Now, he needs to be protected like a baby!”

Hmm … does that sound good to you? We also need to see things from the haters’ perspective too, you know. Oh, with Papa being a multi-millionaire? Trust me. Hiro would get even less respect if any of his family members had spoken out for him. The bullying might get even worse.

As for Tomo, anything his family members say would bring unnecessary attention to him. He appeared on TV that one time because of his job at the station. Otherwise, he’s very private. It’s unfair on him if his famous family gives more reasons for the public to scrutinize his life when that’s the last thing he wants.

4. Being seen publicly as a brave independent fighter would be far more beneficial for Hiro

It worked well for Taka. He only started displaying his bonds with his parents AFTER he had firmly made a name for himself even though they had been on good terms since the early days of OOR. Likewise, Hiro would be less relatable to many fans if he is constantly being taken care of by his more famous and successful family members. Isn’t that the public perception Hiro is still trying hard to break away from?

Not just the Moriuchi, I have never seen being publicly defended by family members work well for ANY celebrity in the world. It may work for ordinary folks but things work differently for famous people.

I do support Hiro but I think even his most ardent supporters would agree that he somewhat gives off these “baby” vibes. MFS members themselves seem protective towards him. They let him be mischievious, loud and boisterous with them but they’re always there to hug him when he cries. Therefore, independence from his family would balance that out nicely.

5. Taka made a conscious choice to speak only for himself because he knew any reaction to it would be directed to him and ONLY him

As opposed to Taka speaking out for any of his family members, whom the public might hurl the hate and negative reaction to instead.

Things just work differently for celebrities. In a way, to minimize the bullying towards their loved ones, staying out of their public battle a lot of times is the better way to go. By not bringing more attention to it.

Likewise, none of Taka’s family members said anything when Taka had to face a barrage of criticism and angry reactions at the time. The ones who publicly defended him were his friends and peers. Guys like Mah (SiM) and Masato (Coldrain) among some. For celebrities, somehow testimonies from people they have worked with or even strangers they have encountered hold much higher values than family members.

With their chosen careers, backlash and criticism come with the territory. That’s what their parents want to instill in the two brothers. “You have chosen this path. Learn to deal with it.“

6. Rude fans are rude fans nonetheless

Rude people don’t suddenly become angels just because their idols ask them to. Just look at the backlash against Taka. It was quite brutal. Just like how Hiro got pictures of a woman pooping by his haters, I saw a photo of a “hairy ding dong” for Taka among some, along with truckloads of really scathing words. By his own fans (or should I say “ex-fans"?). If this kind of fans are willing to treat Taka like that just from ONE social media post, then nothing good can come out of it if Taka had said or done anything about Hiro’s haters. The ones who would cheer him would still be the same ones who already support MFS anyway.

Remember when fans were speculating that OOR’s song Right By Your Side as being dedicated to Hiro? Those who like MFS thought it was a sweet gesture but those who don’t like MFS used it as an excuse to say, “Look! Taka wrote a song for Hiro. Yet he still wants to call Taka his rival. What a low life!”. Yes, I’ve personally seen comments like that. So, see? Whatever Taka does regarding Hiro, mean-spirited people will still find a way to set fire to it.

7. There must be more than meets the eye

Fans went nuts when the brothers wore this pair of pants. I doubt it’s a coincidence that Hiro suddenly is comfortable wearing Taka’s look when he used to be sensitive about being called Taka’s copy before.

But that’s not even something new. in January 2018, Taka posted a photo of himself wearing this Monster’s Inc hoodie at Disneyland. That same month, Hiro was wearing that same Disney hoodie at his 24th birthday party.

Heaven knows what Taka had said to Hiro in private especially after MFS Budokan show 🤔. At the end of the day, they are family and though I also know many families who cut ties from each other, Taka and Hiro clearly are the ones who keep theirs 😉.

2 more cents

I feel that Taka is doing the right thing by staying away from Hiro publicly. Not responding to the negativity surrounding Hiro but still letting fans know that his little brother has his full support.

#reply #my first story #maifasu #マイファス #hiroki moriuchi #takahiro moriuchi #one ok rock

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horndog-millionaire · 5 years

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chibioniyuri · 6 years

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So, I wanted to share my current medical status with y’all, but only if you want to actively read it, so I’ll be throwing it behind a cut. Plus it’s pretty long. So there’s that.

So, I have a brain tumor.

Only, technically not. It’s within the skull but outside the dura mater, the protective membrane around your brain itself. So, technically not a brain tumor.

But let’s start from the beginning.

Starting around summer of last year, my grandmother was in and out of the hospital. Falling without being able to get up on her own, leading her to spend the entire night sitting on the floor waiting for someone to visit her because the phone was out of reach. Pneumonia extending her hospital stay. Getting home and refusing the home health care my uncle and aunt set up for her. Falling again. Repeat.

Around August-ish, my aunt was cleaning her apartment for her and found pain killers stashed all over the apartment. In bottles. Free pills on her walker. Next to the phone, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, stashed in both nightstands. Turns out she’d been asking nearly everyone who visited her to bring her bottles “because she was running low.” Including us. We could get large bottles of Excedrin from Sam’s Club for cheaper than were available in her country. We’d bring over two extra large bottles. We didn’t think anything of it; our visits were spaced roughly four years apart. But concurrently, some tests were showing the beginning stages of liver and kidney damage that could be caused by self-medicating in the way my grandmother was.

Cut to me. “Wa-oh,” says I.

For like two and a half years, that I could remember, I’d been having trouble sleeping. Beyond the normal, that is. Taking over an hour to fall asleep, sleeping roughly three hours at a time, eventually needing to take naps on my days off just to function safely on my work days. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I was finishing school. Looking for a house. Moving back into my parents’ house so I wouldn’t have to break a lease when I finally found “the one.” Exposing myself back to my dad’s special brand of tough love. I figured it was just stress, and that it would go away when things were less hectic.

They didn’t.

Right around April of last year, my headaches starting spiking. Again, I didn’t think much of it. For most of my life, I’ve dealt with headaches. I’ve become a pro at the art of ignoring the headache away. But suddenly, I was having migraine-level headaches, frequently. I explained it away as lack of sleep. This was about a year and a half into the lack of sleep saga. It seemed reasonable to me. And I was more concerned about the nearly-falling-asleep-while-driving and the crying on the way to work and the endless feeling of “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

But these new headaches were debilitating. So... I started self-medicating. A lot.

I really should have been more aware; I mean, as a medical professional, there were so many red flags. But nothing like that could ever happen to me, right? I was just weak. Attention-grabbing. I just needed to suck it up and get back to work. My dad, after all, had never taken a sick day in twenty years, even if he was sick. He’d had some baaaad headaches, too, and he just powered through. I needed to do the same.

My grandmother was a wake-up call for me.

I finally convinced myself to do something about it September of last year. I thought it was just my thyroid. It controls so many things: your sleep cycle, your metabolism, your temperature regulation. My doctor initially agreed with me, and blood tests corroborated it. My thyroid hormone was low.

Something must have niggled at my doctor though, because she ordered more tests. Then more. First blood tests. I was stuck so many times, it was ridiculous. I counted 9 vials in one sitting, which.... personally, is a record. I can’t speak about the standard levels for anyone else. Then an ultrasound of my thyroid. Nothing too abnormal. Some nodules that were enlarged, but nothing alarming. An MRI of my brain. Just a precaution, she said. Some of my medical history meant that she wanted to fully rule some things out.

I had my MRI on a Wednesday. That Friday, her nurse called me. Said that my doctor wanted to talk to me about my results. That I should just name a time that day and she would make sure it was available.

Oh shit.

I called my mom. I remember thinking that I wasn’t reacting the way I thought someone who received bad news should. I was acting like I had a particularly juicy piece of gossip. Jovial, almost.

“Hey mom,” I said. “That thing I was joking about, back when she first mentioned the MRI? Tumors and cancer? The thing I said wouldn’t happen to me? Pretty sure she found it.”

“What?”

“Her nurse just called. Told me to name a time I can come in today. Whatever time, and it would be available. That only happens with bad news, right? She found it. Mom, I have a brain tumor.”

My mom told me that I had to hear the actual words from my doctor’s mouth before I could worry. And that if it was real, we would deal with it. And that I should call my dad so he could come with me.

So I did. He told me roughly the same thing, that I couldn’t be sure until the doctor said it herself. And that I should schedule it so my mom could go with me.

“I scheduled it for roughly an hour from now.”

“Oh. I guess your mom can’t go with you, then.”

No mention of him going. I was too afraid to ask.

I found out later that he had already started drinking and was too afraid that someone would figure it out. He’s the type of alcoholic that feels like, since he named himself an alcoholic, that’s it, kumbayah, crack open a cold one, but instinctively lies to medical professionals about his level of intake. He excused it away by saying he wasn’t really an emotionally supportive guy anyway, and he didn’t offer because he didn’t think I wanted him there. Plus, he said, he would’ve started crying and that’s not being emotionally supportive. I agree that he would’ve. I also think he fell into a mild depressive state because his employer declared bankruptcy and he was without the job he’d worked at since being honorably discharged from the military in 1995 and was having an identity crisis because so much of his personal identity is tied up into his work, and without it, he’s nothing. But you’re not here to read about my analysis of my dad.

So I sat alone in that room while my doctor told me I had a tumor on my pituitary gland. That it was pretty large and probably the cause of a lot of the lethargy and difficulty sleeping. That I should let her know if I start having headaches.

“I’ve got those,” I said.

“You didn’t mention it to me?”

“No. I mean, I’ve had them since puberty, really. They were more frequent, recently, but I thought it was the not sleeping thing.”

She made sure I walked out with a referral to the neurosurgeon in my hand and advised me to call him right away. Well, as soon as my insurance cleared.

Since October, I’ve struggled to feel it was real. I’ve sort of stepped aside from it, I guess. I’ve viewed it as one of those interesting case studies from nursing school. “Mary’s MRI results show a 2cm growth on her pituitary gland. Her growth hormone levels are __. She complains of headaches, lethargy, insomnia, and weight gain. What nursing diagnoses would apply to this case? What interventions would you consider implementing?”

I’ve analyzed my reactions and compared them to the stories I’ve read, fictional and anecdotal, about others dealing with serious medical issues and found myself lacking. I’ve thought of how I would write this situation. Definitely dread, I decided. Fear. Worry. A sense that suddenly, the world is crashing down around you. And alternately, a sort of freeing feeling. Suddenly, you can go out into the world and really live like it’s your last day.

And then I looked at my bank account. I looked at my insurance paperwork. I decided that I couldn’t afford the surgery to remove it until next year. Definitely couldn’t take the time off to process it. Gotta make that money, pay those bills.

“You’re so strong,” one of my fellow nurses tells me. I want to tell her I’m not. I’m just incredibly aware that I’m financially precarious and that I can’t afford anything else. And it’s so much easier to fall into routine and focus on caring for someone else. Avoidance at its best.

So why am I sharing this all of a sudden?

My surgery is in less than two weeks: April 4. And it’s definitely real now.

Suddenly, all that stuff that I imagined writing is happening to me. The closer that date crawls, the worse I feel. At first, it was mild concern. It’s approaching absolute terror now, though.

I’m about to let someone send some tools up my nose, poke around in my brain, and remove some bits of myself that have gone renegade. I’ll be in the ICU in case of complications. I’ll need someone with me for a while afterwards, when I finally get discharged. I have absolutely no idea how I’ll pay for it, considering my credit card has wracked up a truly impressive balance due to my car breaking down last year, and then all the lab work, diagnostic tests, and specialist visits, which let me tell you, are a special sort of expensive hell. Add on my mortgage and my student debts, and I squeak by every month. I’ll probably pick up a second job to help out with whatever costs I accrue.

One good thing about this is that my dad has stopped asking me “do you want mine?” when I mention I have a headache. But now he’s joking that I’ll be in the hospital for ages because, “I hate to say it like this, but you don’t do so well with the pain thing.” Fuck you.

The truly good thing: my brother got leave from the Air Force to come home for a week. We haven’t seen him since last July, when he came home for our it’s-been-four-years-time-to-go-to-Germany trip. I’m so happy about that, I could cry. I probably will before this whole thing is over.

So, there you go. The full update.

I’ll probably be typing more things up to work through this. Typing all this out has been oddly cathartic.

#personal #personal medical stuff #K's brain things

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jenroses · 7 years

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If you’re feeling disconnected, if you are having a hard time engaging in the world and it feels like no one sees you, if you are having a hard time finding joy or finding the will to strive towards goals you have wanted, here’s a little refocusing pep talk.

First of all, it is no great mystery right now why you are having a hard time connecting. I don’t know who you are and I don’t know your life, but I know if you have a soul and are aware of what’s going on in the world as a compassionate person, you are probably stressed, worried and afraid, even if you are leading a sheltered and/or privileged existence.

And if you aren’t leading a sheltered existence, if you’re struggling with pain, illness, financial stress, housing stress or discrimination, the past year has made all those things a lot worse.

It is this way for pretty much every compassionate soul I know.

There are things you love to do, things you are very good at, things that usually provide you joy, and if you were NOT under a huge amount of stress, they’d probably still be working right now.

Because I’m a giant nerd, I’m going to put this in computer terms.

When your system is new, and hasn’t gotten bogged down, you may have plenty of emotional resources on top of what you need to get out of bed in the morning. That 8 gigs of RAM is great when you haven’t loaded all your worries.bin and intrusivethoughts.dll and Politics.exe.

When shit gets real, your entire processor, RAM and disk drive get completely sidetracked by dealing with the cognitive and emotional demands of dealingwithcrap.html.

EVERYTHING slows down. Nonessential processes get ignored. Essential processes don’t work very well.

I’m not going to tell you there’s a magic solution, but I can tell you where the problem ISN’T and give you some strategies for freeing up resources in the short term.

The problem is not you. This shit is genuinely, objectively hard. Literally everyone is struggling with it. Rich celebrities are struggling with it, and they can literally buy all the stress relief that money can buy… but they can’t just fix the problem.

Just because it’s hard for everyone doesn’t mean that your struggle is small or irrelevant. Survivor’s guilt or “Privilege guilt” from not having to struggle with EVERY issue will not help the people who are dealing with worse, and it will not help you. It is understandable to have thoughts about “But other people have it worse!” But please do not use that as a reason not to give yourself a break for struggling with what is, objectively, hard, even if it isn’t objectively the “hardest”. (Literally everyone thinks there’s someone worse off than them. And they’re right. It doesn’t MATTER in the triage of “Do you get to feel bad.” Yes. You can feel bad.

“Other people are coping better! If someone who is disabled can cope so well, why can’t I?” First of all, that idea can fuck off. I can tell you that for me, a disabled person, one of the reasons I can do some of the things I do is that my inability to do all the things that people normally do means that that stuff has been picked up by a support system I am lucky to have, If you see someone on a prosthetic leg running marathons, it’s because they had the support system to get that prosthetic leg, the physical training to learn how to use it, medical care, etc… they did not just magically wake up in the morning as an amputee with no resources and run a marathon. I’m not out running marathons because my disability precludes that kind of exercise and it’s not a reasonable goal for me to have.

There are a fair number of accomplishments which can bend to sheer force of will, but even force of will (read: sustained focused effort) is a RESOURCE that not everyone is good at, and some people who sometimes have a strong force of will, do not ALWAYS have a strong force of will in every situation.

So, how to free up resources?

Forgive yourself up front. It’s hard enough dealing with all the shit without having to deal with your own self-flagellation. It’s a hard habit to get out of. Use self talk. “This is legitimately hard. Anyone would have a hard time with this. I’m not a bad person for having difficulty with a difficult thing.”

Break things into manageable chunks.

If your phone has a calendar function, put everything into it. Operate under the assumption that you’re having a hard time and let yourself lean on the tools available to keep track, even when your brain is not registering everything. You do not need to store your entire calendar in your brain. Set up reminders.

Look for ways to streamline. I fill a pill-minder with my meds every two weeks, and the ones that don’t go in the pill-minder are literally the first thing I see when I sit up in bed in the morning. This saves a lot. If you have an elaborate hair and makeup routine, if it is too much, look for ways to simplify. When purchasing clothes, look for ways to minimize your decision-making. Don’t waste cognitive function on trivial shit that can be managed structurally.

Block out specific time to check on current events and pay attention to the national shitshow… and ONLY that time. Don’t wallow for 8 hours at a stretch on the national news, it is NOT good for your mental health. It is possible to take in the full horror in under an hour per day. You can’t fix it all, but you can pick which issues you devote time to and what kind of time you spend. Aggregators like WTF and even Late Night hosts can help streamline the process of checking in with less stress than watching national news.

Allow yourself down time. It’s hard to be social when everyone is so stressed.

If you need connection, sometimes structured activities, volunteering, church if you go (there are very progressive churches available) are easier than casual social events.

Reach out online. You are not alone.

Now, there are going to be times when you really just have to get shit done. When you need your brain to shut the fuck up for a bit and let you DO.

Here are the SHORT TERM tricks to get your brain in gear.

Compartmentalize. Need to go have a job interview? Need to take a test? Time for some visualization. Picture all the shit that is weighing you down, every intrusive thought, as things that you can pack into an envelope or a picnic basket or hell, a U-haul if they’re big enough. Put ‘em all in. Every one of them. Close up the basket and set it down inside your front door. When you walk out that door, all that stuff stays at home. It will be there when you get back, we’re not throwing it out. Just don’t take it with you to school, to your job interview. DO pick it back up when you get home. We’re not burying it, we’re just giving it a time and place.

Some of the intrusive worries may be livelier than others. If they try to follow you out the door, or show up when you don’t want them, give them the name and voice of someone you don’t like or trust and would dismiss out of hand. “You’re terrible at this.” “Shut up, Kellyanne, no one trusts you.” “Just hit the snoozebutton, it doesn’t matter.” “Fuck off Chad, I’m getting up.” It just needs to be someone you would roll your eyes at. (h/t to the Check please fandom for this one, IDK who posted it first, but it stuck with me as one of the most useful things I’ve ever learned online.)

Be nice to your future self by taking care of literally everything you possibly can the night before. Pick out clothes. Decide what you will eat. Have a checklist if you need to. Find everything that needs finding while you’re awake. I know this sounds overly organized but it’s something I’ve had to do because if I didn’t, mornings were hell and involved me driving people places when I wanted to be asleep because we missed a bus. It is ten times easier to find clothes when you’re not supposed to be out the door in ten minutes. This is all done cognitively. Some people do these things instinctively? I guess? I don’t. I have to think about every single step every time. But it’s worth it to not have a panic attack when I’m trying to get someplace important and am ending up late. When I was still responsible for getting my kids to school, I could get my middle child from sound asleep to the bus in about 7 minutes because everything was completely set up ahead of time.

Anyway. I hope some of this helps. If nothing else, remembering that this is a reasonable response to unreasonably stimulus has helped me immeasurably.

#Mine #mental health #politics #fucking 2017 #sometimes depression and anxiety are adaptive responses to an intolerable situation

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dayoung-remade · 6 years

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tea on all moon signs 👀 ,, and also i !! really !! love !! your !! blog !! my heart flips everytime u post ajhssjsjdj 😤💓💘💞💖❤

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lukevhrqvbfi4things-blog · 5 years

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Big Ole Alphabiography

A for AR

When I think back to my elementary school AR tests I shuter. These things taught me to use spark notes on almost almost all the books I “read” in lower school. I was required to meet my quota of “accelerated reading” tests or risk failing my english class. This caused a great deal of stress in my reading life to a degree that I did not read a single book between my third and seventh grade years. These tests were probably helpful to some, but they were extremely detrimental to my resolve to read anything of length. I recognise now that they might be helpful on a grand scale and if so they should continue without much concern for those such as myself who simply go around the tests.

B for Beowulf

I loved reading Beowulf somewhat because of the teacher I had that taught it, but also because it’s just such a ridiculous tale that was probably based on true events at the time of its birth. The style of the epic is so extremely different from what I am used to reading for school. It is a simple story about a comically powerful hero that seems remarkably similar to super heros of present. This is so refreshing after being bombarded with complex stories that are well written and decent at sending a message, but generally require that the reader think a lot in order to be entertained. Sometimes simple makes the best.

P is for Procrastination

I do not believe that I have ever completed a school paper before the day it was due. This has never gone badly in my experience but then again they probably could have been much better had I at least started to research before the due date. Never the less my papers were always towards the top of my class despite my procrastination. I probably could have been in the top ten of my class in English had I ever started a paper before the due date. Well if the papers had been worth more on the grading scale anyway.

Q is for Question

Q is for all the questions I’ve asked over the years. I believe asking questions is generally a positive thing in the pursuit of knowledge. Looking back I think I use to ask a lot more questions about English but as I’ve aged I’ve become more custom to all the facets of the English language as ridiculously over complicated as it is. Well it might not be over complicated maybe just complex enough to describe all the things that we need it to describe. Most questions about English I ask now a days I ask myself or a book as I have reached a level that most people would not know the answers to my questions off the tops of their heads and would have to do the same.

U is for Unfortunate Events

“A Series of Unfortunate Events” had a rather large influence on me as far as reading is concerned. It helped me to greatly increase my vocabulary and knowledge of the wider world. I liked reading this series a lot or listening to it at least as I used audio books on almost the entire series. As I’ve said before I don’t really care for reading in the traditional since when its for pleasure. This series was no doubt crucial in the development of my mind as I couldn’t put them down when I got a hold of them and they seemed fairly educational too.

V is for Variety

I did not use to read a very large variety of books as a kid in fact I didn’t even read a vary large quantity of books. I did read just not books because I discovered online summaries of the books that I was being made to read for no reason that I could see at the time. As I’ve said before I kinda cheated the AR tests in this way. I may not have liked reading before elementary school but after it I hated it. I recognize the utility in doing this as a kid now but educators should recognize that their students will not necessarily complete their assignments as intended but will do it in the easiest fastest way they know how.

W is for Writing

Writing as a child was not pleasant to me even if it is a good thing I did not like it possibly only because I had no choice in the matter. I hated it especially when I had to hand write something long and tedious that could easily be typed at a much faster rate. I just really didn't want to do what I was being told to do despite me it helping to improve the strength in my writing hand. As a child I must have been very spoiled to not appreciate what the teachers were doing for me in making me write things repeatedly.

X is for MalcomX

MalcomX is a very interesting character that have done only a little reading on, but I intend to do much more to have a better understanding of where he is coming from. He only lived publicly for a very short time in comparisons with some others, but he did a lot with the time he had. Reading him has made me want to read more. His writings have peaked an interest in understanding the civil rights movement much more than my gym teacher who taught history back in high school ever could have.

Y is for Yams

I remember recently be made to read some African folk tales in which yams were a key point of the plot. It can be said without complete uncertainty that this was a collection of stories that followed the adventures of Annuncy the Spider. These were some interesting stories to be sure and they were my first exposure to literature from subsaharan Africa. They are a window into the past of these placing helping to explain how those from that area in olden times thought. This collection helps to illustrate how even thousands of miles away humans will write similar stories with similar themes.

Z is for Anglo-Zulu Wars

As a child I liked to read a lot of history one of the things I read about was the Anglo-Zulu wars. This encouraged me to read more about this subject and learn about all the little details that are associated with this period in history. I don't think this was the most sophisticated thing to read about but its what peaked my interest as a kid so I read all I could get a hold of. This was probably a positive influence on my literacy because the mentality that I've been taught is that all reading is good no matter what its about.

N is for Nerds

The stigma of nerd did in fact keep younger me from reading a lot as I was afraid of acquiring the reputation. I know it seems silly in the face of the hardships of some, but I was asked to write a literary history of myself and I deem this to be a notable event. This seemingly insignificant label kept me from experiencing the great joy that is reading until my high school years were I stoped caring about the opinions of my classmates nearly as much as I did in middle school. I can't even begin to imagine what I missed as a child from being afraid of being labeled a nerd.

O is for October

October is the spooky month and thus encouraged me to consume lots of spooky literature in my more formative years. I loved Halloween and that love extended to all the things concerning it including the unexpectedly large amount of literature surrounding the subject. I read all the old tales from days gone by during this season. Truth be told though I really listen to most of them as reading takes substantially more effort to do than listening. It should always be remembered that one should always take the easiest path the goal that still keeps some mind for the consequences of the actions to achieve the goal.

C is for Cucumber

One of my english teachers of the past was called Ms McCumber and she gained the nickname Ms Cucumber because she was not liked well by her students and we weren’t that creative with our nicknames. I’m pretty sure she was the head of the english department while I was in high school and possibly solely responsible for the horror that was writing Wednesdays as I think I disgust in an earlier in an earlier installment. I also remember doing a lot of crossword puzzles in her class which was kinda strange in this authors humble opinion. Her class just kinda bored me so I stopped paying attention in it after a while. This was just kind of a gap in my english education not really that detrimental because it was high school English, But I wish had done something worth remembering in that class.

D is for Donald

There are many well knows donalds in this world, but by far the most influential to me is donald duck. I used to be obsessed with him and his exploits. He was always so angry which made him such an intriguing character which caused me to read more about him. This was a very healthy experience for my literacy life. It got me to read if only for a brief time for pleasure. That has been deemed a great good by most of my english teachers so i shall say this is a healthy reading experience.

E is for Elephant

When I was young I became fascinated by the elephant and all the things about it after reading an article in an encyclopedia about them. This magnificent grey beast captured young me's imagination for a few weeks and caused me to read all manner of information about the creature. I would venture too say this is unhealthy literacy because of the lack of variety in the material. This experience did teach me a lot about the elephant and about time management as I failed several tests during this period. I learned that obsessions can lead to academic failures if left unchecked.

F is for Father

My father was a great influence on the development of my reading abilities and my character. He taught me that you just need to stick with it and it will get easier. Well this wasn’t so much about reading as it was about the use of hand tools, but I think its applicable here. I’ve heard many call it grit which has gotten a little bit cliché, but regardless of clichèness this concept still applies and in more than just reading. It is necessary for success in any skill.

G is for Giles

I had a religion teacher called Mrs Giles my freshmen year of high school. This was a private school and theology was pretty much a bible study class unworthy of the name theology. The reason this woman was so influential in the development of my reading and writing skills is because of how she taught. She had a less ridged approach to teaching than most of my teachers. Her methods were more focused on interpretation of the material rather than getting the "correct" interpretation that all the other teachers that required reading seemed to be after. You could not outright oppose the "correct" interpretation as it is a private school, but you could get pretty close.

H is for Hughs

I once had a gym teacher called Mr Hughs and you may ask yourself what could a gym teacher possibly teach about literature. He taught perseverance in a way that stuck unlike most teachers who preached it endlessly, but were never really all that convincing. What he did differently was lead by example which is hilarious if one thinks about it to much because most gym teachers have grown far beyond being able to do what their students can do. He was just inspiring and seemed to practice what he preached in stark contrast to almost all others.

J is for Jolly

I once met knew a priest called Jolly. He had a tremendous influence on my literacy as I was first learning to read and write. We did not know each other by most peoples definition of the word, but he was inspiring that he was from such a far off land and had learned a different language just to come here. I think he was the first true foreigner I encountered in my life at the time. I remember My mother hating his thick accent because she could not understand what he was saying. I was young though and thus more able to understand new things so I liked when talked about growing up in India. If he could learn two languages then I could certainly learn one.

I is for Ignorance

Being ignorant is very often thought of as a terrible thing. Well I believe it is at least to be ignorant of thing that one ought to know already. In that case it is a sign of laziness or at least lack of intelligence meaning here the capacity for learning new things. I have a deep love of learning new things mostly on my own as I find it more entertaining that way. Dialogue is a necessary test to see if there is truth to what I have learnt on my own. As is apparent in class I am probably ignorant for the most part when it comes to race. I would love to learn more about it and see if there is any truth to what the the classes general ideas on the subject are, but I must not trouble myself with such things as much as I enjoy it because it would distract me from my major. This is the new frontier of my literacy narrative.

K is for Kathman

I once had a theater teacher called Mr Kathman. He didn't really teach us a whole lot in the traditional since. He gave us a task to complete and didn't really tell us how to complete it he just told us how not to complete it ie safety. For most of the class it wasn't really theater or even really a class it was a source of labor for the construction of play sets. We were not opposed to it as we got to get out of real classes, but I think it taught many some important skills in working together that group activities in legitimate classrooms just don't. This relates to my literacy because this working together to come up with solutions can be applied to the interpretations of writings.

L is for Leviticus

Leviticus was a very influential book of the bible on me as a child. It was a great source of misinterpretations for young me to try and interpret correctly. It was a large source of frustration for my various religion teachers who just wanted me to obey them and parrot what they say. I make a bad parrot and thus did not do terribly well in those class without receiving an explanation for things that were apparently "universal truths" that were aperient to all creatures. Going through this book in class is one of the first examples I can think of of young me questioning what I was reading.

M is for Morris

The principal at my old high school was called Ms Morris. She was not a very present principal as it was rather difficult to find her and she was rarely seen at school events. I'm really not completely sure what kind of effect this had on my literacy, but I know it had an effect. I know this by the fact that one year we went though three different English teachers. This lack of a continuous teaching style proved hugely detrimental to the performance of the class and the development of my literacy. It distracted us from learning in favor worrying about the instability of the environment we were in.

R is for Red

Red specifically referring to Clifford the Big Red Dog who I grew up reading and watching on PBS. It was such a simple story in every single book, but it taught me a lot about how to persevere through tougher reading. Clifford was always so optimistic and did his best to overcome his problems. He always did which may or may not have been a good influence on young me as if I had failed a lot I would have wondered why a great red dog could do better than me. I did not prove to be bad at school though so this was only a confidence booster that helped me to not be anxious ever.

S is for Source Citing

Citing sources was probably the most painful part of formal writing that I did in high school. I don't really have an objection to crediting people for there work, but I had to meet a quota of direct quotes from the works. This was just a little bit ridiculous to ask for the students to quote sources that were already secondary. It might have been a little bit different had the audience been familiar with the source being cited or the source was primary and genuinely contributed to the integrity of the paper, but they were just forced with little purpose other than to fulfill the quota.

T is for Tumblr

I have always shied away from Tumblr in the past because of its sketchy reputation. From what I’ve seen in this class it’s reputation of being porn is only a slight exaggeration of what it really is. Hopefully this writing project will serve to dilute the filth that is Tumblr if only for a very small amount. This is probably healthy writing as its much need practice for one such as myself who hasn't written an academic paper sense 2018. It also helps to highlight to me all the things that have influenced my literacy over the course of my life. This is a very good exercise in self reflection that I am unlikely to have done without it being mandated by my English class.

#BigOlePost

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anime-matchmaker-blog · 7 years

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match up with a haikyuu, knb and ao no exorcist male pls? I'm a 160cm cancerian ambivert-NFP girl with long black wavy hair, curvy body, who loves cuddles n getting spoiled but i have my mood swings. Im a very romantic, cheesy n friendly person, loud, cheerful, can be extremely weird once u get to know me. I wear my emotions at my sleeve and is VERY easy to please. Despite being a fun-loving, carefree girl at times, im mature enough to lend my older sisters a shoulder when they need it. (cont-)

(-cont) I love dancing, reading/writing poetry, swimming, extreme sports, beaches, animals n going in road trips. Im adventurous but have my lazy days where i spend the whole day doing nothing in bed. Im a strong girl, i survived chemotherapy bfore. I dont judge, read people like an open book and try my best to be kind to everyone, im a very emotional n sensitive person. I have adult ADHD which comes with depression n anxiety. I have days where i breakdown n need constant reassurements. (cont-)

(-cont) im polite and respectful to people esp elderly people. I love talking, i can talk about a lot of things, ranging from stupid topics to questioning the world’s existence, to cheesy/sappy shit to deep life conversations. I get along with ppl of all ages. I LOVE my friends (note most of them are childhood friends and are guys, bcus guys have less drama), they spoil me which will prob make my bf jealous. THANKS GUYS!

Sorry for the wait! Thanks for your patience and I hope you’ll like your matchups C:

Your matchups are…:

Haikyuu!! - Sugawara Koushi

Suga’s first impression of you is that you’re no stranger to guys. He sees you around school often, always with an entourage of guys who you appear to be friendly and close to. At first, he’s just someone in the background and you don’t notice him - he’s just another pretty boy, after all. You don’t see him completely until you run into him on the street and he reaches a hand out to you as he introduces himself. You remember who he is and you let him walk you home. The silence is awkward, but you keep a steady stream of questions flowing and by the time you reach your home, both of you are laughing and friendly to one another. Suga says he’ll see you around before heading off.

Somehow, Suga gets sucked into your existing pool of friends, but he manages to stand out because of his attractiveness and charm. He enjoys your weirdness and your playfulness, but he can also sense your serious side, especially when it comes to touchy subjects with your friends or in school. He walks home with you when he doesn’t have practice and you make every walk last longer by taking detours or alternate routes. Suga contributes to this by making his own journeys through the neighborhood and the two of you begin to discover elements about the community you never knew existed. These walks are never quiet now - you’re always talking, always engaging in Suga in a variety of topics. His range of knowledge helps when it comes to the random subject changes.

There are days when you and Suga are at one another’s houses simply working on homework or reading, days when you two are out and about running rampant in the city, and days when you’re planning road trips to get out of the city. Whenever you seem to have a bad day, Suga drops everything and marches over to you to make sure you have company and necessary essentials. Sometimes he won’t be able to make it because of volleyball so your other friends take charge, but their care isn’t the same as his. Suga is the team mom, after all.

Your closeness with Suga appears to be the same as with your other guy friends so when the shift occurs, neither of you notice. Suga is first to confess his feelings though and he insists that no matter how you feel about him, he’ll always love you.

OtsuboTaisuke (Kuroko no Basuke): His height and appearance might makehim appear rather intimidating at first, but he’s actually pretty friendly andisn’t that hard to approach. Your talkativeness actually makes it rather easyfor the two of you to get friendlier with each other since there’s always some mundanetopic you can use as conversation fodder. While at first, Otsubo will merely greetyou upon seeing you around the school since that’s the polite thing to do, butafter having a few conversations with you, those casual greetings will turninto longer talks between the two of you. He won’t mind listening to whateverit is you have to say, finding the majority of the topics you decide to bringup to be interesting though sometimes he can’t help but wonder how those sort of topics end up beingchosen. Your politeness and respect towards others definitely is a part of youthat Otsubo finds admirable since that can’t be said about some people. Plus,with how easy it is to get along with you, you’re certainly someone Otsubowants to hang out with more.

While it’s not like the two of you have a lot in common, it’ssimply entertaining being around you and that’s more than enough for Otsubo towant to be friends with you. Though basketball is the main sport he’s into,learning about your interest in extreme sports does intrigue him and prompt himto ask you more about it and that might lead to you inviting him to try it withyou one of these days. He also wouldn’t mind going swimming with you if you’reinterested since that’s a good way to get in some exercise too. If you’reinterested and asks him, Otsubo would totally be up to teaching you or playingbasketball with you too! Since Otsubo is the captain of the basketball team, hehas responsibilities he has to tend to and practices to attend of course, sothere are often days where he can’t spend much time with you. He’d love to hearabout your adventures that you go on with your other friends though, or he’d chastiseyou a bit for lazing around in bed being unproductive but he won’t mean that ina negative way much. It’s also really refreshing how even with your fun-lovingand carefree side, you can be pretty mature when time calls for it. Sometimesbeing the captain will lead to Otsubo feeling rather stressed and it’d be niceif he could talk to you as a way to let off some steam. On the flip side,Otsubo will also be willing to lend you his ear and shoulder when you need it.

It surprises Otsubo how you wear your emotions on yoursleeve and it sort of contrasts with him. Not that he has a hard time showinghis emotions or anything but he just keeps them in check more often. It doesmake seeing how you’re feeling that day easier though but with how sensitiveand emotional you are, it can also be a bad thing since you might end up beinghurt easily. When Otsubo notices that you’re upset or feeling down, he’ll tryhis best to cheer you up. If you need someone to listen to your problems andrants, he’ll lend you an ear. If you just want someone to be there with you, he’llquickly offer to stay with you. He isn’t super affectionate or used to beingaffectionate but if it’ll help make you feel better, he could learn to enjoygiving you cuddles. Otsubo is good at lifting his teammates’ spirits on thecourt and he hopes that works off the court too since it’ll certainly come inhandy in helping you. He might be at a loss regarding what to do when yourbreakdowns occur and will turn to his friends, your friends (if he knows themor have spoken to them before) and probably the internet to help him figure outhow to help you. He wouldn’t mind providing you with the reassurance you needto feel better, as long as it helps you. Your anxiety and depression also hashim stumped since he hasn’t friended people like you before, but Otsubo isdefinitely willing to learn.

Your cheery personality rubs off on Otsubo the more he’saround you and he finds your romantic cheesy side to be quite adorable. Hedoesn’t know much about romance at all and will probably resort to the Internet(after asking Takao once and getting teased in response) to see what sort of “romantic”acts he can do for you to make you smile. Giving you chocolates and flowers arethe first thing he tries, and then if you seem okay with him being close toyou, he’ll attempt holding your hand and giving you hugs. He does feel jealous at times at how closeyou and your childhood friends are but will understand that that’s just howyour relationship with them is and won’t interfere. As long as you’re happy andyou make time to spend with him, that’s all he needs.

Ao no Exorcist - Suguro Ryuji (Bon)

At the beginning, all of your guy friends will protect you from Bon because of hos frightening he appears. You insist that it’s just his face and not much can be done to fix that…but after a while, you realize you really shouldn’t approach him. He’s loud, rash, competitive…yup, you should definitely keep your distance. Despite this, you still run into him in the halls sometimes and he doesn’t pay you attention, so you try to not look at him either. Still, when he accidentally runs into you and makes you drop your supplies, he takes the time to help you pick them up and make sure you’re okay before continuing on his way. Maybe he isn’t so bad after all.

His academic prowess is outstanding and you’re surprised to hear that he’s at the top of his class. Since none of your friends can rival him, you decide to approach Bon and ask him to tutor you in your weaker subjects. He tries to shrug you off by recommending you to another student, but his own friends persuade him to take you on. You can tell he’s serious about the schoolwork so you keep your playfulness down during the tutoring sessions. Afterwards, you do what you can to loosen Bon up by taking him to your favorite stores or on walks to your favorite hiding spots. He’s still uptight and serious during class, but once school is over and no one else is around, he relaxes around you and even though he doesn’t quite admit it, he loves the playful side of you.

In your downtime, the two of you can be found reading a lot. You can’t get Bon to read anything other than bibles and holy scripts, so you read poetry to him in exchange for listening to him recite fatal verses. Bon is capable of keeping up with your shenanigans, which makes up for his lack of talkativeness - he’s a big-mouth, but when it comes to nonsensical things or philosophical subjects, he tends to be quiet. He’s also great at perceiving emotions so he’ll be able to tell if you’re having a bad day or not. He’s still working on comforting you though, so your other friends will have to school him in that department.

Relationships and friendships are pretty much the same to Bon, so his friends have to help spell out his feelings for you. He doesn’t exactly confess and when he does, he stutters and mumbles the words. It doesn’t matter too much to him if you don’t return his feelings…so long he’s able to remain as your friend, he’s happy to be whatever you want him to be.

#Haikyuu!!#Sugawara Koushi #Kuroko no Basuke #Otsubo Taisuke #Ao no Exorcist #Suguro Ryuji #beautifulstrnger #matchups #request #request collsb #sara's stuff #Stella writes

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cas-tellation · 7 years

Text

Not What You Thought (I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Know) part 8

Last chapter - Masterlist - Read on ao3

A/N; Firstly; I just wanted to say that I have this fic pretty much mapped out, BUT there's a big empty space between now and the ending -- just because i need some filler stuff that i can use to add some ~development~ that being said, if you want anything specific to happen in this fic, please, please leave a comment telling me as this is the perfect time for me to maybe fit some of that stuff in. Nothing too big, just lil things. (do you want phil to get a pet? do you want more flashbacks from dan? flashbacks from phil? more about their family & all of that?? literally anything little like that that i can write a little bit about)Secondly; here a playlist of all the music i listen to whilst writing (i mean theres other music i constantly forget to add songs whoops) so if you wanna really ~get in the zone~ whilst readin you can go listen to that if you want i guess here it is And finally; lots of people who read this fic are ftm trans and thats great!! all the feedback that i've gotten back from them is so nice, and im very, very happy that this fic is at least somewhat realistic. I, myself, am not trans, however i am agender (demiboy? idk lol im figuring things out still) so i do have ~some~ experience with dysphoria and all that stuff, but at the same time its also amazing to hear what people say(a huge thanks to everyone's who's left comments on this fic so far... they really are greatly appreciated.)

Dan’s tired. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. Doesn’t want to do much of anything, really. The dysphoria is there; strong as ever. Maybe that’s the thing that he hates the most about himself: The dysphoria. Some people say that they understand that; understand the self hatred that comes with being stuck in the wrong body. But really, how could they, if they were cis?

When his mum claims that everything will be okay and that she understands, and that what he’s going through is something that every teen goes through-- isn’t she lying, because he’s not every teen. He’s Dan, not Yazi. He’s trans, not cis. He doesn’t know anybody who is trans - save for a couple of youtubers that he watches, more for the education aspect of being trans than anything else.

He feels alone. He can’t go to someone. Say, Phil. He couldn’t go to Phil and have the other boy comfort him, and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. Because how would Phil know, if he’s cis? How could Phil possibly know? How could anybody? Sure, they could have little glimpses, but nothing tangible. They wouldn’t feel dysphoria.

They wouldn’t feel this tired.

There’s a certain level of self hatred, but a lot of it was just the dysphoria. It makes him want to physically claw off his own skin.

School is stressful. He feels like he’s falling apart under the pressure of it. He’s doing too much and yet he still feels like he’s not doing enough. He stops doing his homework completely because whenever he hands it in and gets anything less than a perfect score; he feels like he’s failed somehow.

Of course, he hasn’t failed just because he has gotten a lower score, but still.

His mind is constantly messing with him and he’s so tired.

Phil’s embrace is more than welcoming after a long day. Dan melts into his arms, taking a long, shuddering breath and burying his face into Phil’s chest.

Take another deep breath. Now, close your eyes. Feel, where are you?

In, and out, darkness. Phil’s arms, Phil’s body, Phil’s heart, beating slowly and steadily beneath Dan’s cheek, further calming him. Phil’s saying something, maybe asking if Dan’s okay. Or alternatively, what’s wrong.

God, it feels like everything is wrong.

Everything, and it’s all piling up.

It’s too much. It’s all just - too much. He doesn’t know if he can deal with it anymore. He misses the sharp kiss of the blade against his pale skin.

But he’s here in Phil’s arms, safe from physical harm.

Only for the time being. Phil would leave and then - and then.

God.

Since when does the world spin like this? Since when does the world hurt like this?

Phil’s arms are drawing tighter around Dan’s thin body, one hand coming up to comb gently through Dan’s ever-so-slightly curly hair.

“It’ll be okay, Danny,” Phil’s saying.

But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay. Because everything hurts but at the same time everything’s so empty and heavy and full and painful. In Dan’s eyes, it’s not going to be okay. Not by a long shot. He feels so broken, and used up, and thoroughly useless.

He’s none of those things.

But his mind refuses to think of himself as anything but that.

Phil’s arms are around him, holding him together. When all Dan is doing is breaking apart.

Phil’s gone. He hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d been worried about Dan. They’re all worried, all the time. Phil, the teachers at school, Dan’s parents.

But Phil had to leave.

And Dan is now alone. Feeling the worst that he has in a long time. And he doesn’t know what to do.

Everything’s hazy. It’s like he’s looking at his life through a keyhole. Not really there. It’s almost as if he can’t feel anything. Is he dreaming? He can’t remember going to sleep but he still doesn’t feel like he’s properly awake. Through a keyhole. Hazy. Dream-like. Sitting on the edge of a bathtub, rolling up his sleeves.

Numb.

A razor, in his hand.

And god is he really going to do this?

Sleep is laced through with unease.

The feeling’s not gone the next day. He had hoped that after a good night’s sleep that the hurt would go away.

He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it through the day.

The binder fits too tight. His hair is growing out a little and it only adds to the dysphoria. Everything feels too feminine. Too much. Way too much. Make it stop, please.

He walks to school, the overcast sky reflecting his emotional state perfectly.

He pauses, in front of the school door, weighing his options.

Then, he turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Fuck school.

He doesn’t go home. God, he doesn’t want to go ‘home’ ever again. He goes to the park instead, where he and Phil had been. Except that now Phil’s not there. Instead, there are countless children and their parents. He almost regrets coming but sits down on the edge of a bench anyway, pulling a book out of his bag and trying to lose himself in the story. At least for a little while.

It’s weird, how invisible he is.

Nobody seems to notice him.

Nobody bothers him.

He almost wishes that he could do this everyday. Until he remembers how much school he’s missing and feels his throat choke up. Too much, this is all too much, and yet not enough.

Phil texts him just after noon, when Dan would usually meet him.

Dan doesn’t reply.

Everything is falling apart at a steady pace and there’s nothing that Dan can do to stop it.

That night, Dan lays in bed, his hands resting on his stomach, tears racing down his cheeks. He thinks, ‘I need Phil’, and then, ‘I need Nicole’, and after that he hates himself a little bit more.

The amount of notifications that Dan wakes up to is absolutely horrifying, in his opinion. Dozens from Phil. Even one from Nicole. He breath catches in his throat as he sees it;

Nic: where have you been ive missed u

He doesn’t know if he can reply to it. He does anyway.

Dan: i miss you too.

And he does. Fuck, he does.

He locks his phone again before he replies to Phil. A sick feeling settles in his belly.

At lunch the next day, Dan’s almost disappointed to see that Phil isn’t yet sitting on the dusty patch of ground behind the building. He pulls out the same book that he had started yesterday, and begins reading. He’s hoping that Phil will show up.

But scared, too, because he’s so unresponsive. He’s scared that Phil will think that Dan doesn’t like him and he’s scared that Phil won’t see how lost Dan is.

But fear isn’t helping him so he pushes it down and tries so hard to focus on the words in front of him. He doesn’t know if it’s working.

Phil does show up. He’s not mad that Dan hadn’t been there the day before, instead, he was worried about how Dan was feeling.

Phil says, “Hey Danny.”

And Dan says, “I told you to stop calling me that.”

And then Phil hugs him again and all Dan can think is: Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Because what did he do to deserve someone like this? Since when did he get to be with the Good Guy? Since when did someone who actually cared about things pay any sort of attention to him?

Usually it was someone looking for a good fuck.

Or Nicole, who simply didn’t have her life together enough to care.

Dan lets Phil hold him and is scared that Phil will leave once he realizes how well and truly fucked up Dan feels.

Feeling good is something that takes a long time. Dan feels a spark of it that night when Phil texts him saying:

Phil: Goodnight dannyyyyyyy <3333

The spark being Dan’s stomach flopping around happily. Happily. Happiness. It’s something that he has a hard time feeling.

But with Phil, it seems to come easier.

Dan wakes up feeling a bit more awake than usual. He tells himself that this means he’s getting over the depression, though he can still feel it lurking there, right under his skin, waiting for the worst time to make it’s re-appearance.

It’s horrible, living like this, but at the point that Dan is now at, it’s impossible to avoid.

#phanfic #phanfiction #myfics #ftmtrans #ftm #trans!dan #phan fluff #phan angst #phan smut #phan

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traumabrained · 7 years

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Tw for abuse So my parents abuse me, mostly physical from my mother, mostly verbal from my father. I've always coped with the abuse by acting calm and taking it, hiding, or attempting to descalate it and hoping I don't piss them off further. But recently I've started to act out with anger. Not just with them, with my little sister who yells as much as my father, and with animals. Not the ones I own, though. I'm afraid. What's happening to me? I shouldn't be angry. Being angry gets you killed.

while its certainly frightening, its also (as far as i can tell, with my own experiences and the experiences of others i’ve talked to) a normal response. essentially, either your brain thinks it’s safer and is deciding to start processing trauma (which doesn’t seem likely), or else you and your brain are both fed up. there’s really always a limit to how much someone can take, and it looks like you’ve reached that limit. since that can get you in trouble and also cause collateral damage (to the animals, or to your little sister, though “collateral damage” doesnt include self defense), i’m going to give you a few tips that might help you deal with the anger in a way that won’t make your parents abuse even worse.

(please note that since i dont know your exact situation, some or all of these might not be feasible; if that’s the case, you can message me again with more details if you want? and i’ll look for some different things)

exercise: i know this sounds like everyone’s irritating neurotypical relative but i promise you that if you can do it, it will help. exercise:

decreases stress and anger

helps you feel in control (even if you’re not. but it gives you hope, which is very valuable in abusive situations, right?) and

prepares you for physical attacks, if they get so bad that your options are fight back, run, or die.

im going to assume that you don’t have equipment that you can use, but if you do, use it. if not:

running--can be done anywhere, and it costs no money. if you think you will need to hide it from your parents, then go out very early in the morning, if possible (or late at night, but the morning is usually a lot safer, and no-one will be paying attention to you. literally anyone you pass will be pre-ocupied with going to work or school, and they will usually be too tired to even look up from their coffee). also try to use a specific pair of clothes--t-shirt, shorts if you have them, one sports bra if you use those, to minimize the amount of sweaty clothes you’ll be putting in the wash. during exercise is a good time to maybe think about your abusers--let yourself get mad. let yourself get pissed, if you can, and use the anger to run even harder. i did this a lot when i still lived with my parents, and it probably saved my life.

weights--you can often buy them pretty cheap on amazon or in a store, but if your parents are monitoring your purchases then you can use gallon jugs of water/milk (if they dont buy galons of water/milk then u can buy 1 gallon of water for around 1USD in most stores, which would be easier to hide and explain than any purchase of exercise equipment). fill the gallons with water, and lift them--you can google “dumbbell exercises” for some exercise routines. do this in the early morning if possible.

push-ups/sit-ups--these are probably the least satisfying to do, at least for me? but also the easiest if you aren’t able to get outside early morning, or if you’re absolutely not going to be able to buy any kind of weights. if you can’t do a full push-up, try working up to it by putting your weight on your knees, instead of your toes.

i recommend that you look into proper technique before you do any of these--im just trying to give you ideas.

if exercise isn’t feasible for any reason, then art is the next way to go. a lot of trauma survivors (especially child abuse survivors) write poetry. visual art is also a good outlet but i’ve found that it’s usually a bit less cathartic. if your parents go through your things regularly, then either make a new tumblr account and tell nobody about it, and write your stuff there, or (if tumblr isnt safe) write only on single sheets of printer/notebook paper and burn or shred them immediately after you’re done.

if you think you’re not a good enough writer to do this, then listen: you’re not writing this for it to be good. you’re not. it doesn’t matter at all. no-one else will ever read it. you don’t even have to read it again. it doesnt have to look or sound good. the only objective is to process your trauma and anger. the plus side is that no matter what, you will improve your writing by doing this, so if you are interested in being a poet, or already are, then writing trauma poetry will only help you. i recommend poetry instead of prose (prose is anything that isn’t poetry) because you don’t have to worry about structure, or about it making sense/having a plot. it can be really hard at first, especially if you don’t usually write a lot. if you need to, you can try using these prompts (they probably arent all applicable but if you can finish any of these sentences in your head, then you can write a poem about it) (possible trigger warning, skip the bullet points if you need to)(i’m just going to use “they” because any gender of person could do this and i don’t want to make assumptions but you can swap out the pronouns if necessary)

they wouldn’t stop ...

i don’t feel safe ...

they hit me when ...

i feel like i stopped existing at [age]...

i don’t want to be here ...

when you are writing, let yourself get mad, if possible. nothing you write will have any consequences if you burn the page, right? nothing is out of bounds. write anything and everything. write about how they’ll burn in hell. about how you hope they get murdered gruesomely. about how you’ll rip them into pieces the next time they touch you. anything. if you can’t summon anger, that’s okay. you can also write about how you feel like you’re rotting. you can write about how you miss when they were good to you. or how they were never good to you, but you miss it anyway. about how when you get out, you’ll have a nice apartment with someone you love (platonically or romantically, it doesnt matter), and maybe a pet, and how you’ll go to the bakery down the street sometimes and get croissants and sit in the sun and how it will be okay. how you’ll never have to see them again. how safe you’ll be. how happy you’ll be.

any of that will be cathartic, i promise you. i started writing poetry at the age of 12, and all of it was about my abuse. it was bad--i went back and read it a few months ago, and i’ve improved a hell of a lot since then. i’ve worked through a lot of my trauma, partially with a therapist, but mostly with my writing. it’s easier than therapy for me, because no-one else can see me while i do it. it’s easier to break down every part of the abuse, to analyze it. and after writing a poem, i always feel drained, like i just lanced an infection or something. i dont know. but writing works. i promise.

therapy is the last thing thing on my list here because its very inaccessable to a lot of people. minors, anyone without insurance, or anyone in a rural area is going to have a hell of a time getting therapy, you know? so that’s why its last. if you have a good therapist, it’ll probably be the most helpful of all of these, but even that is a hit and miss (i’ve seen at least a dozen therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, and mixtures of both, and i always seem to get the people who don’t believe me, who think that yelling at me will fix problems, who report everything to my parents. but not everyone’s like that--i just have some incredibly shit luck).

if you can get a therapist, do. they can help immensely. if you can’t, then try the other things until you can get to a position where therapy is accessable for you.

i hope this helped, im sorry its so long? and im sorry it took like a week gah

#also i hope theres not too many spelling mistakes #my spellcheck is set on french and i have dyslexia so i really cant spell for shit #though i read over this a few times and caught a lot so hopefully its good #anonyme #child abuse #actuallyptsd

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