#life/work and my current hyperfixation are consuming me

[querido-eh-dump]

connor at the end of the book/show

[butyoudidthis4what]

You’re Okay

Jack Abbot x Doctor!Reader

5.4k || All my content is 18+ MDNI.

Jack Abbot was the man who broke me.

I genuinely never thought I would write fanfic again and even when new characters and hyperfixations came I didn't, no matter how much the urge was there. I just could never go through with it. I write for a living currently and so the last thing I wanted to do when I got home from work was more writing, even if it was a different style and all my own. And then Jack Abbot entered my life at a time and I went on vacation where I had absolutely no access to work and was refreshed while also emotionally going through it and really had the urge to write and so here we are. A perfect storm.

In typical me fashion I decided I was so sad and anxious that I just wanted some happy fluffy stuff and wrote the exact opposite. I'm just an angst with a happy ending girl what can I say. But also I just really want someone to comfort me like this and it was cathartic to write. However, I'm not going to lie that I started feeling a bit better when writing this so it became a bit harder to write, weave together, and finish and I'm just rusty. Read the CWs please, it's rough stuff and potentially triggering, so protect yourself, and if I missed any please (nicely) let me know.

I have a number of other ideas and thoughts for this man and am desperate to yell about him so feel free to send your thoughts in the ask box or DM me to yell about Jack.

Titles and summaries are unlikely to ever get better. Please be gentle with me as this is my first foray back into writing and posting in years. Please let me know if you like it. I thrive on positive feedback.

Again, please read the CWs: suicidal ideation; self harm ideation; extreme depression and anxiety discussed; discussion of anxious depressive attack; reference to rescue meds; self hate; reader is not okay; reader tries to push Jack away; abandonment issues and themes.

Summary: You have an anxious depressive attack for no readily apparent reason. Jack is the best and gets you through it. Happy ending. Established relationship. You and Jack live together. Age gap but not specified or referenced. No use of y/n or related. Absolutely zero proofreading, I mean none. No beta. This is also a bit open ended and could be conducive to a part two depending on reception and if anyone would be interested.

The sadness consumes you, sticks to you like the tegaderm you apply to patients. The most irritating part is how it just seemed to have come out of nowhere. Sure, you were feeling a bit more anxious and depressed than usual, but nothing horrific. And then it got a little worse towards the end of your first twelve hours. But then around hour sixteen it was like you just walked into a black hole and were totally consumed by it as you took a few minutes to yourself to use the bathroom. 

It was the crying out of absolutely fucking nowhere for no apparent reason kind of sadness. The kind that left you perpetually teetering on a ledge and unable to breathe. The kind that makes you think this is it, you’re so broken now you’re past the point of fixable. Makes you think you will just be here forever, stuck in this sadness, unable to move or enjoy anything, condemned to a life of faking it. Makes you itch to hurt yourself. The kind that is so consuming and distorting it makes you ideate and think that ending it all might be an act of kindness to yourself and your closest; you no longer consumed by the sadness and them no longer burdened with you. The kind that is so frustrating for you because one sliver of logical, rational brain large enough to understand what is happening and that your brain is manipulating you escapes, so you know that you’re being unreasonable, that it’ll pass and yet you can’t seem to believe it. Or maybe it’s that you do believe it, it’s just that surviving until it does pass seems so hard and you are so tired. 

Work keeps you busy. Busy enough to be able to push the thoughts to the side and just live with the feelings for now, both mentally and physically. You can focus on others, on fixing others, saving others, solving other people’s problems. It’s a good distraction, but just that. A distraction. It does nothing to fix anything and the second it’s gone you know it will all come crashing down. 

Jack’s eyes are scanning for you the second he walks in the ED. Something was off with you when he finished his shift and left you for the second half of your double. You’d assured him you were just tired and would get some more caffeine and be good and he hadn’t pushed you. He’d told you to text or call him if you needed him, that he would probably get some sleep but would sleep with his phone on loud and near his head in case you needed him. He could just sense it on you.

You hear him make some sarcastic remark back to someone before you see that he’s here and it makes your heart race. There’s a little burst of happiness at seeing him of course, but then even that is overcome again by the sadness that rules your mind currently. You don’t want to ruin his mood, don’t want him to have to deal with you. It makes you more anxious, threatens to rip you in half in deciding what to do, tell him or try and pretend. You know that would be pointless though and you don’t really have a choice. Not when it comes to him. One look at your face and he’s going to read you like a chapter book. You thought the time getting home and ability to take some meds since you wouldn’t be working might help you calm down enough for it to not be quite as bad once you got home. You look back down at your tablet but chew hard on the inside of your cheek, taste the iron of your own blood, and when Mel walks up to you with a question you shift your tablet so that you can dig your nails into the skin of your hand. Just something to ground you. Just a little physical pain to match the internal.

Jack clocks it from where he is, finding you just as you look back down at your tablet. Your nails and cheek. There’s something else about the way you’re holding yourself that’s off too. His own anxiety ticks up. Were you hurt? Did something happen? He turns back to ask Santos if something happened this shift but she’s already gone. When he looks back over to where you were standing with Mel he finds you and Mel gone. He thinks you just went with her until he spots her alone with a patient. 

You had to flee after answering her question and telling her you were off and to spread the word if anyone asked. You wouldn’t know how else to describe it other than giving into this urge to run and hide. Some sort of flight or fight thing undoubtedly, you’d just never had the feeling before. You had to get out of there before you lost it in front of everyone. 

Jack being here isn’t good. It wasn’t the plan, the one you’ve been preparing and repeating to yourself all day to get through it without losing it. You’d get off, go home, he’d be there and you’d be okay and not feel like this because he’d be there. Or at least if you still were feeling like this he would be there and that would make it a little better, a bit less suffocating. It would make it all feel survivable. 

But now he’s here and you can only assume that means he picked up a shift and you’ll have to go home to an empty place, something you’re not sure you trust yourself with right now. You try and tell yourself it’ll be fine, that you’ll take some meds at home and just sleep through it until he gets back and then sleep more with him and that the feelings will pass. And you know it’s true. Your logical brain knows that these feelings will pass. Your emotional brain that tells you you’re going to be stuck in this all-consuming sadness and anxiety wins, however, and the thoughts just won’t stop. The physical feeling of sadness and anxiety won’t leave. It’s enough to make you gag. 

You don’t want to ruin his roof for him but you don’t know where else to go and think maybe you’ll find whatever it is Jack finds up here that seems to help him. And really you know you want him to find you. Need him to. Need him to take one look at your face and know how to help you, how to comfort you, like he always does. You hate putting that on him, though.    

You don’t even consciously do it. You just look up and realize where you are. Right on the ledge. It’s so metaphoric it’s disgusting. It’s odd though, being on the other side of the guard rails. It feels like it should be scary or exhilarating in some kind of way but it’s just not. It’s nothing. Everything is nothing except that everything is also abhorrently and suffocatingly sad in a way you can’t explain. You let your hands come out a little and catch the wind. Some part of you hopes it’ll carry you away. It doesn’t and you’re so in your head you don’t hear the door or him as he walks over to you until he speaks. 

“You’re in my spot, Doll.” His voice is gentle, feeling you out and giving you room. He’s desperate to see your eyes, to read your face in the way only he can. 

You shrug. “I suppose I am.” 

He walks a little closer, rests his arms on the bar. He doesn’t know yet, how bad things are, how bad you are right now. You’re just a little too good at hiding it with your back to him when he can’t see your eyes or face. “Bad shift?”

It takes you a minute to respond and when you do it’s a single word and an iciness starts to seep through him. “No.” 

The way you say it is off. The way you sound, the way you’re standing, body leaning just slightly forward.

“What’s up? You don’t seem okay. What happened?” The genuine concern in his voice melts you but at the same time a large part of you feels bad for it, for making him concerned and worried about you. It’s unfair of you to do. 

You shake your head a little in response. “Nothing.” As much as it sounds like a lie, it’s really the truth, at least to his last question. Nothing happened.

“Did you pick up a shift tonight?” You ask him quietly. 

“No.” “Why are you here then?”

He gives a soft laugh, almost a touch of disbelief to it. “I don’t know, the way you seemed when I left and we said goodbye. I thought you were just tired but it sat with me, stayed with me when I woke up. I just felt, I don’t know, drawn to come pick you up. Get my eyes on you as soon as I could.” There’s a pause. “I’m glad I came.” 

You hum. You hate that he can pick it up off of you, that you can’t hide it better to protect him.

He’s never seen you go past the guard rail and combined with your demeanor and body language and the aura radiating off you it scares him, scares the fuck out of him right now. “Will you come here, please? Even if not to me, just to the other side.” There’s a pause as you consider. He leans back up off the rail to keep his hands free, ready to jump and grab you by the scrub top if he has to. 

You don’t want to scare him, to hurt him. That’s the whole problem. And then you end up doing so anyway. He deserves so much better. You hate yourself.

“I’m afraid if you touch me I’ll shatter. Just totally fucking lose it. And you shouldn’t have to deal with that.” The way you say it tells him you want nothing more than to be in his arms. He’s right of course. He recognizes it for what it is beneath your words, an invitation for him to pull you back to him. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

“Alright.” It’s his normal voice. Just Jack. He reaches and grabs your arm with his hand, gentle, but firm enough to keep you from going anywhere and show his seriousness. “You’re coming back on this side. Now.” It’s his Dr. Abbot voice, the one you know he must have developed in the service. “Please Doll.” And there’s your Jack, the tone he only uses with you, soft and sweet, empathetic, vulnerable in a strong way. Full of the love he has for you. You know if you pulled away he’d let you, but you don’t want to. You want him. Want to be close to him.

You don’t shatter from his touch. Not yet anyway. You let out a long breath but nod, let him help you back to the safe side. His hands are on your face, one thumb brushing over a cheekbone as he searches your eyes. You try to look away but he follows you. He hates what he sees, how sad and small you look and must feel, the nondescript anxiety coursing through you. 

“Doll,” he says a little breathless, aching to make it all better. “I need you to talk to me, please.” It’s desperate, on the cusp of begging. “Let me help. Let me in.” If anything the dialogue is normally reversed, but it’s been a good while since you’ve had to ask him to talk to you or let you in. You’ve been together so long now that it’s automatic for him. The only things he tries to keep you out of sometimes are his PTSD and flashbacks and phantom limb pain, but even then. He’s an easy lock for you to pick.

You scrunch your shoulders up hard for a few seconds as you take a deep breath and let them fall back down as you let it out through your nose. “And if I say I’m fine?” You give him a hint of a smile.

He gives a little scoff of a laugh. “Then I’ll be hurt by how much of a blind idiot you think I am.” It’s a little reassuring though. That you still have it in you to joke. It tells him you’re still in there. 

You give him the smallest smile before your face fades back into a heartbreaking sadness. “I don’t know Jack,” you say softly. “I… Nothing is even wrong. Nothing has happened. I just…” You trail off and he lets you, gives you the space to gather your thoughts even as he watches you with concern etched into his features. You look away from him, out at the city. He can still see your eyes get glassy though, the slightest tremble of your chin before you recover. “I’m too mentally ill for you. You deserve better.”

He has to give another laugh at that. “Have you met me?”

You look at him, and while he sees sadness and hurt he also sees terror. 

“I’m just… sad. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s all consuming and feels never ending even when I can sit and rationally tell myself I have nothing to be sad or anxious about. It just doesn’t fucking matter. It still feels like I can’t breathe except I am and I’m aware of it because I’m still alive and still thinking, still sad and spiraling. I’m almost like, fucking lightheaded it’s so bad, I shake, I can’t get that pit in my stomach and burn at my diaphragm to go away and over what? There’s nothing. There’s absolutely fucking nothing for me to be this sad or anxious or upset over.” You close your eyes and bring a shaky hand to your lips. “I’m just a huge mess for no god damn reason and I fucking hate it, Jack. And you deserve better, so, so much better, even if you don’t think so or want to admit it. You deserve not to be stuck with this, with whatever it is I am.”

He opens his mouth to speak but then shuts it. There’s so much he wants to say he doesn’t know where to start. He just wants to hold you. To hug you until all the pieces of you fit back together the way you’ve done for him so many times. He wishes he had a way to let you into his mind so that you could see how much he loves you, how much he needs you. 

“I feel so fucking melodramatic. The shift was fine. Nobody died. It was a good shift if anything. Life is good. I have friends who love and care about me. I’ve got you for christ’s sake, I’m the luckiest woman in the fucking world.” You shake your head a little. “And yet here I am. Like this. Feeling like the world is falling out from under me and so sad I almost want to jump for no reason. No fucking reason. And now I’m making you deal with it, with me. I hate it. I hate myself. You would be better off without me, you really would.”

“That simply is not fucking true,” he almost gasps out, just needing to get something out to you. “Jesus fucking christ I don’t know that there would still be me without you.” You shrug. “No. Don’t shrug, please do not shrug. This is not whatever. You are not whatever. It’s true, I don’t know if I’d still be here without you. I don’t know if I could go on without you. That’s just the truth. You’re not too mentally ill for me. You’re not too sad for me, or too anxious or too whatever. I can’t deserve better when I already have the best, regardless of whether you don’t think that’s true or want to admit it.” He sees you shaking a little. “I need you.” 

His voice cracks a little on ‘need.’ “Your brain is lying to you, no matter how real it seems in this moment, I promise. It’s okay to feel this way and to need to lean on me, to need my support. It won’t push me or make me go anywhere. I want to be here for you. I want to help you, help you feel better and not so sad. The depression and anxiety don’t care if the shift was good and nobody dies and you have friends and me. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel as deeply and as badly as you do right now. It doesn’t mean it’s melodramatic. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve your life or me. You’re struggling. That’s okay.” His thumbs wipe some tears away from your face and his heart cracks. He feels so helpless, this is one of the only things he can’t just fix for you, can’t protect you from. He wants to cry himself. “I’ve got you. This is an anxious depressive attack,” he reminds you. “You are so strong and you will come out of it. It will pass.”

“It’s just been happening more and more, Jack! I’ve been having this happen more and more. And one day you’re going to wake up and realize you’re exhausted by it. And I,” a few tears slip out as you take a shuddery breath, “I feel so fucking guilty making you deal with me and watching you deal with it, with me. How much it scares you and makes you sad. I just want the best for you, happiness and easiness and a calm, steady, good life. You deserve that. After everything you’ve been through you deserve that and more and I don’t think I’m that. I’m just more stress, more exhaustion, more to deal with. And that’s not fair and you deserve better.” The tears flow more freely now and your voice shakes with every word but you haven’t totally fallen apart somehow. 

“I get this exact same way too. I struggle too. I feel the darkness consume me just like you are now. I lean on you, ask for your help, or accept it when you have to offer because I can’t ask for myself. Why should or would I not do the same for you? Why would I give up on and abandon you when you’d never dream of doing it to me?” He asks, hands a bit firmer where they’re still holding your face. 

“It’s different,” you mutter. 

“How? How is it any different?”

You shrug. “I don’t know. It just is. You’re different. It’s okay when it’s you.” 

“Well that’s bullshit, Doll, and I know you know that,” he says with loving sternness. He softens again. “It’s okay when it’s you too, I promise. The way you feel about me when it’s me is the way I feel about you right now. It’s okay if you don’t know why you’re feeling like this and it’s okay if the reason is buried deep inside and it’s okay if there is no reason and you’re just feeling like this. It’s okay. We’re okay. I’m not dealing with you, even though your mind is telling you that. You’re not a burden. You’re not pushing me away by being like this. Your brain is lying to you right now. I’m not going anywhere. For better or worse you got yourself stuck with me when you agreed to that first date. Because I knew it was you then. And I won’t lose you and certainly not to this.” His thumbs brush over your cheeks again, one going to brush over your thumb. His eyes are so earnest it almost hurts.

You look at him for a moment and then he’s pulling you into his chest and arms as you’re falling into them. He lowers you both to the ground with you in his lap as you do finally shatter in his arms. 

You sob into him. Not soft tears that are silent or even heavy tears with some sniffing and stuttered words. It’s ugly, chest heaving. You almost seem to scream into his chest at times in between the huge breaths you try to take in. There are times where you choke, cry so hard you dry heave. But Jack doesn’t flinch, doesn’t try to get away or pull away with any kind of disgust at any of it. He just holds you, his arms warm and steady and solid around you, keeping you grounded, even if just. He rocks softly at times, shushes you softly but not to get you to be quiet, just to reassure. There are whispered words, “I know,” “It’s okay, you’re okay,” “I’ve got you,” “I’m not letting go,” “Let it out Doll, I’m here, I’ll always be here,” “I love you.” He kisses the top of your head and rubs your back, squeezes you tight to try and help you regulate, desperate to do anything he can to help. 

Eventually you cry yourself out and are reduced to small sniffles and hiccups. You go so still a couple of times he thinks you may have fallen asleep in his arms, knows how tired crying can make you, but then you let out a sigh. You pull your head from his chest a little, look up at him with sheepish eyes. It’s heartbreaking, how swollen and red your face and eyes are, how beautiful you look even this sad. 

“You don’t need to apologize,” he whispers when you go to speak. He knows you too well, better than he knows himself sometimes, you both swear.  

“I just hate it. Feeling like this. And having the rational part of my brain know at the same time that it’s ridiculous and unnecessary and all wrong but it losing to that emotional part of my brain that drags me into panic and all consuming sadness. I hate it.” You sniffle hard, try to wipe your face with your hand but it does nothing. Jack pulls his shirt up a little so that he can use it to wipe your face for you. 

“It just feels like it’ll never get better. Like I’ll be stuck in this darkness and sadness and anxiety forever.” Your words are muffled against him and make him hold you a little tighter. 

“I know. But I promise these feelings, especially at this intensity, will pass. I’m not dismissing them or saying they aren’t real, at all, but they will pass.” He kisses your hair a few more times, continues rubbing your back. He knows there’s not much he can say right now and doesn’t want to overwhelm you with words, just reassure you.

“Yeah,” you murmur. He doesn’t push you to accept it. 

“Did it help? The cry?” He asks gently.

You shrug in his arms. “I don’t know, probably.” You let the steady thump of his heart in your ear regulate yours. After a few moments you amend your answer. “It wasn’t the cry. It was you.” 

The corners of his lips turn up just slightly. He likes hearing he helped. “I’m glad.” 

“Thank you,” you whisper. He gives you a squeeze in response. A couple more minutes pass as you sit there just trying to recover. 

“I got your shirt all gross.” 

He shrugs. “It’s okay. I’ve had worse on me from people I don’t love more than anything.” He kisses the side of your head. “Plus it’s the one you like to steal anyway,” he whispers in your ear.

That makes you laugh, laugh enough that you start crying and let your head fall back into the side of his neck and shoulder again. “I’m sorry,” you almost squeak out.

“Oh baby,” he gives a sad little laugh. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got you, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”

This round doesn’t last anywhere near as long, largely because you’re just too fucking tired. A bit because he was right, it was an acute anxious depressive attack that’s starting to lift. You sigh into him. “I think I’m done.”

“Let’s get up and go home. Get some food in you, maybe some of your rescue meds if you want, and some sleep. It’ll help even though I know everything feels kind of helpless right now.” He kisses the top of your head, your forehead and then your lips. Nibbles on your nose just to pull a smile from you. He goes to pull away so that you can get up but you make a little whine of protest and just hold onto him tighter, nuzzle your nose against his neck. 

“I’m already home.” You murmur. “You’re home.” You’ve both said it to each other before and he knows how fucking true it is for him but it still makes him smile, knowing he’s that safe place for you. 

He gives a fake exasperated sigh just to see if it’ll pull anything from you. “Let’s get up and go to our house, then, little miss pedantic. Get in our bed.” 

You smile against his neck and it makes him relax a little, makes him feel good knowing he’s the only one who could pull you out of this and make you smile. “I’m not pedantic, it’s just the truth. And even if I am pedantic I’m your little miss pedantic.” 

You don’t say it as a question but he knows it is one, a subtle way of asking for reassurance when being direct is too hard. 

“Yes you are. All mine.” He squeezes you a bit tighter to drive home the point. “I happen to find pedantism so hot. Gets me all bothered when you get so concerned about all the little details.” He mouths at your neck, rubs his scruff against you lightly because he knows it tickles you and wants to draw a little laugh. 

It’s just barely successful, you give him a little huff of a laugh, but with how you were, he’ll take it. You finally let yourself fall out of his arms and stand up with him. He can tell by your face that while you might be feeling the slightest bit better in the moment, you’re not really. You’re still deep in that hole and struggling. You see the recognition of it flicker in his eyes. “I’m sorry.” You whisper. “That I made you think I wanted to… end myself and for scaring you. And that I’m not better. That I might never be better.”

He shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand. I really do, Doll. And I don’t expect it to be better with one conversation or two or three. And I’m not going to get tired of it, of you, as much as your brain wants you to believe that. I’ll be here and helping you through it just like you will with me until we’re in the ground together, okay?” You nod at him.  

He winds his fingers through yours and squeezes. “Let’s go home,” he says again, “to our house, the physical building where we reside together, where our bed is.” You go to open your mouth. “Yes, I still want you in my bed,” he cuts you off. “I could shower you first if you wanted.”

“Shower me? First?”

He holds the door of the roof open for you and you step in and hit the elevator button. “I know me washing your hair and body calms and grounds you,” he murmurs. He drops his voice a little lower, in volume and pitch and moves his face closer to yours so that his lips brush yours when he speaks. “And I say the shower is first because the second thing I could do for you, well, hopefully it would give you some oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin,” he smirks, gives you a teasingly light kiss on the lips. “Or if that’s all too much right now then we’ll just go home and get in bed and I’ll hold you while you sleep. Whatever you want. Whatever you need.”

You grin at him as he pulls away. It actually meets your eyes, even if it’s not the biggest smile he’s ever pulled from you. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve you Jack Abbot.”

“You were born.”

You start laughing. Like can’t breathe laughing, tears streaming, laughing. A smile pulls onto his face and he has to start laughing because yours is so contagious. “What?”

“I don’t fucking know,” you get out in between laughs, “just the way you said ‘you were born’ so seriously was so fucking funny. It was so… you.” You look up at him, eyes sparkling from tears but also love. “I’m so lucky,” you whisper, words a bit shaky. “I love you.” The laughing so hard you cried has brought you back to the precipice of tears. 

“I love you more,” Jack tells you as he wraps you back in his arms. The elevator opens though and you’re able to take in a deep breath and keep it together. 

“You wanna go out the side and I’ll meet you outside the ambo bay? I’ll swing back to the ED and grab your stuff.” He wipes a few tears from your face. It’s an offer to save some face and not look like a mess in front of everyone. 

“That bad?”

“You never look anything less than gorgeous, but the crying is obvious, yeah. It’ll draw questions.” He says it so matter of fact, that you’re never anything less than gorgeous in his eyes and that the crying is so obvious and people will gossip and it’s just another thing that feels so him that it helps tether you to reality. 

You nod. “Thank you,” you whisper. 

When you reach the door he squeezes your hand. You can see a little fear in his eyes. “You’ll be waiting, yeah? On the sidewalk?”

You give him a soft laugh and smile. “Yeah, on the sidewalk.”

“Good.” He leans in to give you a quick kiss. “I need you, you know? Just as much as you need me.”

“I know. I do, I promise.” As he walks away you call his name and he’s back by your side in a second. “I am sorry, you know. I would never actually do anything and leave you, and I’m sorry for hurting you by insinuating otherwise.”

He shakes his head slightly. “You don’t need to feel guilty for saying how you feel or felt. You don’t need to apologize.  I want you to talk to me, even if it is painful for me to hear. It’s the only way I can help.”

“It’s just hard to say, especially when I worry so much that it’ll make you go away. And I promise that’s not a reflection on you, or that I think you would-” He silences you with a kiss. It’s uncharacteristic for him at work, even if you’re not in the ED. That makes the fact of it happening a little better in some way, you think.

“I know. I understand, I promise.” He pulls back and looks at you. “I would tell you if it was becoming a problem or something I couldn’t handle. But I’m never going to have to tell you that. Now go wait for me.” He flicks his chin at the side door and gives you a little tap on the ass, flashes you one of his smiles that’s almost a smirk and makes you melt. You nod, do as instructed. And Jack watches you walk away until you disappear out the door, a whole piece of his heart out there existing outside of him. He knows you’ll be okay, that you’ll get through this. But it still scares him, still kills him to see you struggle like this. He wants to protect you from everything, does everything he can to, but always ends up trying to grapple with and accept the fact that he can’t really protect you from yourself. 

Outside, you wait for him on the sidewalk like you promised. Things are a bit lighter now that you’ve been able to speak to Jack, to just let yourself fall apart and cry. The guilt still eats at you even though you try not to let it. You watch him walk up to you, see the way he smiles when he spots you. It makes your heart ache. “I really love you, you know?” You murmur to him when he’s back at your side. 

“I do,” he nods. His lips pull up in a teasing smile as he starts up his favorite ‘argument’ you guys are always having. “I also know I love you more.”

[ningningsplushie]

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა This is How it Feels - OT5 txt's first admissions of love ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ

warnings: mentions of food, micro-angst in tae and gyu's parts but all is well <3 kissing, swearing, established relationship for taehyun and soobin. not proofread lmao. fem reader in hueningkai's part. a/n: oh hi...long time no see. I hope to post more often but university is time consuming but i'm also currently hyperfixated on txt and they're my emotional outlet so i'll post when I can!! i'm also taking fluff requests so please come on by :) masterlist

choi yeonjun:

Hmmmm he’d definitely realize he’s in love with you after a particularly harrowing day while practicing for a comeback or recording an album.

Having been friends with him for almost a year now and meeting him after he was filming a TO DO episode with his members at the cafe you worked at, you’ve kind of picked up on every little thing about him.

Lately, what with his upcoming solo comeback, he’s been unintentionally distant with you.

Normally, you guys text back and forth about your guys’ day, facetime, or meet up just to chill but for the past two weeks, you really only hear about him through the other members and so you decide to pay him a visit.

But now without preparing some homemade food for your guy, who you don’t really want to tell you have a crush on because he’s an idol and you think he’s out of your league.

You lowkey go all out: tteokbokki, some soup, fishcakes, and a bag full of his favourite sweets and you lug all of that to the dorms, knocking on the door and waiting patiently for an answer. 

The door swings open and it’s no one other than Yeonjun, you stares at you, the deep bags beneath his eyes and dry lips shifting from exhaustion to surprise to contained elation.

“y/n??? What are you doing here?” he asks, pushing you inside.

“Oh, well…it’s been a while since I’ve seen you last.” you begin, scurrying into the kitchen as you begin to unpack the food, commandeering his stove to heat up the food. “I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright. I know how you get during comebacks because I know you’re stressed but you usually tend to retreat back into yourself due to overthinking and stuff.”

He’s watching you as your floating around the kitchen, pouring this into that and plating all the foods you brought over for him, his head feeling the lightest it’s been in a while since you walked through the door. 

“And you don’t really need to worry cuz you absolutely crushed it when Ggum came out and you’re gonna do even better with this upcoming release, if that’s even possible. You’re the hip-popping king and the 4th-gen it boy for a reason! The people love you and you’re gonna deliver. As. You. Usually. Do!” you enunciate the last words by poking his nose.

You then nudge him towards the couch, getting him to sit down while you place his food in front of him on the table and at this point, Yeonjun is looking at you with googoo eyes and pouty lips, his heart pounding as you try to make light of the situation to cheer him up but your face giving your worry away as you chew on your bottom lip and the lines between your brows deepening. 

Yeonjun thinks back on his friendship with you: how you’re a steady weight for him throughout tumultuous storms within his life. How you always put his interests before yours. How you’re perhaps his biggest supporter, always ready to reassure and celebrate with him. How he’s able to be himself around you and let go for once as an idol and he suddenly thinks, ‘This is a person I want to stand by me for as long as possible and who I want to be with…’

You turn to get a drink for him before he latches a soft grip on your wrist, stopping you in your tracks. “Junnie, what is it?” you ask, cocking your head to the side and Yeonjun can’t help but think that you look positively adorable with the way you’re pouting and looking down at him concerned. 

“Thank you, y/n. This means a lot to me- you mean a lot to me…I love you, you know?”

You coo, sitting down next to him as you push back his hair, thinking he means it in a platonic way. “Aweeeee, I love you too!”

The way you say it so casually has him shaking his head. “No, y/n,” he says softly. “I mean that I’m in love with you.”

You gasp, bringing a hand up to your mouth as the tips of your fingers hide your lips. “You-you don’t mean that.”

“I do.” The way he says those two simple words is so determined and the way he gazes at you intensely, his mouth slightly agape…yeah, you don’t think he’s pulling your leg anymore.

“Where’s all this coming from all of a sudden?”

“I don’t…I just realized this. Like just now but I think I’ve always had this feeling lingering at the back of my mind. I just didn’t let it come forward in fear of ruining our friendship.” He admits, wringing his hands in anxiety.

“Junnie, can I be honest?”

“Please.” He’s desperate to hear your response but at the same time he’s damn near shitting his pants cuz he’s so certain you’re about to reject him.

“I think I’ve like you since I first met you but… Junnie, you’re an idol and i’m just-I’m just me. I thought there was no way you could like me back…but I guess I was wrong.” you smile slightly, biting your lip so you don’t straight up grin like an idiot. 

Now that the tension is gone, Yeonjun joins you in embrace the giddy feelings that envelope the two of you. “Dead wrong. Soooo…y/n, will you be mine?” He asks lowkey awkwardly, raising his shoulders while tilting his head to the side.

You lean back into the couch, cackling. “You’re such a dork!” When your laughter dies down, you look back at him, your eyes sparkling. “But yeah, Junnie, I’m yours so you’re my dork.”

He truly can’t hold himself back anymore so he pulls you closer to him, nearly onto his lap and clings onto you, leaving no space between you and him as he rocks you back and forth. Kissing the top of your head, his heart swells as he hears you hum in contentment, wanting to be nowhere else but his arms.

choi soobin

I don’t think it’s a moment that’s particularly special because I think Soobin���s all about the small, meaningful, and intimate parts of life that you get to share with him.

And it’s not a moment that springs in his mind suddenly, like an ‘aha!’ but it’s something that slowly unfolds and grows into something more as time passes.

You’ve been dating Soobin for about three months and you’ve known him way longer…like since pre-debut when he was still in high school. So I guess in a way you’re high school sweethearts :)) 

Comeback season has died down and the boys are now taking it slower, recording random content like TO DO and other interviews, meaning that you get to spend much more time with your boyfriend!

He’s come over to your apartment in the evening and you shared takeout with him, sitting on the floor around your coffee table as you listened to him yap about whatever anime he’s been watching. As the night progresses, he helps you clean the apartment up, connecting his phone to your speakers as he puts your favourite songs on a low volume, existing together in your own little bubble with him.

The two of you then do your own things but together!

You’re sharing the couch with him, with Soob curled up in one side and you with your back against one of the arms, your legs resting on his lap. He’s playing a game on his switch, his lips jutting in concentration as his fingers work at a rapid pace while you’re reading your book silently, occasionally underlining and tabbing your favourite parts.

It’s silent throughout your apartment, save for Soobin’s periodic groans of frustration or the flipping of pages. 

You’re so engrossed in your book you fail to notice when Soobin turns off his switch, placing it on the coffee table to lean back comfortably and trace patterns on your calf.

He lives for the intimacy of sharing each other’s spaces, of existing separately but together, always reaching out for one another through soft touches. He finds comfort in being his own person around you, of watching you do your own thing, and knowing you feel comfortable sharing silence with him.

However, he feels compelled to break that silence right now. 

“Whatcha reading right now, bunny?” He asks, sitting up to rest closer to you, peering over your shoulder to read alongside you.

Looking up from your book, your face glows with adoration as his pouty lips mouths out the words to himself and you close the book to show him the cover. “The Lady of the Camellias,” you reply, reaching a hand up to play with his hair at the nape of his neck.

“Oh? I haven’t heard of that one.”

“Yeah, it’s an older one from the late 1800s from France,” you explain, Soobin nodding along to your words.

“What’s it about?”

One thing about Soobin is that he loves to read and if it’s not a book he’s interested in reading, he still loves to learn about it, especially from you!

“It’s a love affair between a courtesan and well to do man. She eventually contracts tuberculosis and dies and there’s this whole thing of him thinking she left him for another man because she’s a courtesan and they part ways but then he returns to her but it’s too late, she dies in the end…it’s actually quite beautifully sad. This is just a reread for me.”

Aweeee now it’s your turn to yap about your interests and whenever you do this, Soobin listens, literally entranced. He listens intently, never missing a word and humming along while his eyes rove over your features, the way your brows furrow then you think about how sad the book is or the way your eyes light up talking about it.

“So she never got to hear that he loved her?”

You shake your head, putting the book away. “She knows it, she hears it but it’s kind of too late cuz they can’t properly be together because of her dying…he pledges to love her even after her death.”

Soobin frowns, getting lost in his own thoughts. He doesn’t know why but it makes him think of his relationship with you even though your situation is vastly different of that from the book.

He’s starting to get in his feels because he’s lowkey scared for the same thing to happen. For you to go on without hearing he loves you because he does, terribly so, he just hasn’t said it yet.

Taking your hand in his, his thumbs brushing over your knuckles as he remains silent, thinking, eventually bringing your hand to his lips to press a lingering kiss against the skin his thumb brushed over. “You know that-that I love you, right?”

You nod, eyes filling up with tears as Soobin doesn’t break eye contact with you because he’s serious, oh so serious with this confession. “Of course I do, Binnie. You didn’t have to say it…I mean it’s nice that you did but I already knew through your actions.” Leaning forward, you brush back the bangs that fall over his face and kiss both of his eyes. “I love you too.”

Ugh, it’s just a simple confession, nothing overtly grand but it just means so much to you and him. It’s so sickeningly intimate but you two have never felt more alive than now. 

Soobin blushes at this reciprocation, looking down at his lap before you hook two fingers under his chin to get him to redirect his attention to you. “I love you,” you say repeat, clinging onto him amidst the silence of the night. You say it so softly but to Soobin, it’s like you’re screaming it from the rooftops.

“Good, because you’re never leaving my side.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

choi beomgyu

I think when he realizes he can show you all the different sides of himself. 

You were part of the fashion team for Tomorrow x Together so you’ve always been assigned to work with Beomgyu and naturally, seeing him nearly every day, you’ve gotten rather close to him. Y’all exchange phone numbers and start hanging out as friends outside of company time, enjoying Beomgyu’s chaotic yet soothing nature. 

Sure, you’ve developed a little crush on him but you’ve never acted on it because you work for him. Wouldn’t it be a little weird? And shouldn’t Beomgyu like someone who’s also in his league. 

You really can’t help it though. There’s no one else who makes you laugh as hard as he does, who notices your dip in energy takes the time to talk you through it, reassuring you, or who you could confide your deepest worries, and vice versa. 

You’ve also noticed how buff he’s gotten and of course, as his stylist, you use that to your advantage to show off his arms for MOAs. 

Beomgyu’s standing in front of you as you hold up different shirts on hangers over his chest, seeing which one would suit him best before nodding to yourself, thrusting an outfit into his arms and ordering him to go try it on. 

He returns, looking down at the clothes with a smirk on his face as he starts flexing, holding up his arms to show off his muscles. “Oh hell yeah, all my hard work’s paying off. What do you think?”

Your eyes trail over his body, admiring him and lowkey working yourself up. “You, sir, look really good. I think MOAs are gonna lose their minds when you walk onto the stage in this outfit.”

Again, he smirk, crossing his arms as he rests on a table. “Be honest. If you were a MOA, would you lose your mind too.”

You roll your eyes at his subtle teasing. “I’m already a MOA but sure, I’d go crazy, probably more so for Yeonjun,” you lie, noticing how he looks down, pouting. 

Yeah no, he’s your bias but you won’t admit it in fear of him finding out your feelings for him.

“Yeah…Yeonjun’s pretty cool so I can’t blame you.” He can’t hide his disappointment at your admission, his mood shifting as his teasing disappears and is replaced with a calmer demeanour. 

He pulls out a chair, sitting down while he begins to pick at the skin around his nails. You approach him, kneeling in front of him as you place your hand over his to stop him from tearing off the skin. 

“Hey,” you say gingerly, looking up at him. “You’re cool too, gyu. I was just pulling your leg.” Genuinely this whole time you’ve told him Yeonjun was your bias so you take a shaky breath, ready to admit the truth. “You’re my bias…you kind of always have been.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m all sad and pouty,” he sighs.

Shaking your head, you give him a small smile. “That’s not true. Look.” Pulling out your phone from your back pocket, you show him the case, how there’s a decorated photocard of him nestled inside.

At this, Beomgyu sits up straight, getting excited like a puppy. “So that’s why you never wanted me to see your phone!”

Blushing, you nod without saying anything and put your phone away. “See? You don’t have to worry about anything. Plus, you have a shit tonne of MOAs who also bias and love you.”

“No, i know…it’s just different when it’s you.” He looks off to the side, embarrassment eating him alive. 

“Why’s it different?”

“Because I want you to think I’m cool. I want to impress you and stuff. I mean like, we’re friends. We’re always goofing off together and I want you to acknowledge my more determined and passionate side.”

You coo, rising up to your full length as you begin to play with his hair. “Oh gyu, I already think that. You think I don’t notice when you give your all for performances or how sucked into song-writing you get? How you break off from your silly self to be an anchor for your members and your friends? I notice every side of you and I love them all equally.”

Poor gyu looks like a fish, at a loss for words, looking up at you with a hopeful look. “Really?”

“Really! Ever since we’ve become close I’ve gotten to know the real you, all of you.”

Beomgyu gets up from the chair and puts his hands in his pockets, biting his lips as he debates on whether he should say what he wants to say.

“At first…I didn’t like getting all serious on you. I wanted to seem easy-going to you but you make it so easy cuz you never make me feel ashamed for feeling the things that I feel. But now…” he shrugs, trailing off. “Now I don’t mind, I think I just fully accepted that but that’s because-” he shakes his head, turning around.

Walking around him, you place a hand on his arm. “Because?”

“Because I love you.” He simply admits, biting the bullet. 

You really can’t reply right away cuz you can’t believe it so he clenches his eyes shut, groaning. “Sorry, forget I ever said that.”

“No! I love you too!”

Beomgyu whips his head towards you, eyes wide. “No, you don’t,”

“I do! Why do you think I kept letting you think Yeonjun was my bias? I didn’t want you finding out I have feelings for you because I was scared you’d push me away or we’d grow distant.”

He places both palms over his eyes, chuckling deliriously. “Seriously? You’re such a dummy sometimes but I shouldn’t be complaining now that we’re a thing.”

“Bold assumption for you to make,” you state, raising your brow.

“Oh, okay. Guess we’re not then. And here I was thinking I’d take you out for dinner.” he sasses, pulling you closer to him because he knows you’re joking. 

“You still can.”

“Trust me, I will. I’m not letting go of you know.”

kang taehyun

I feel like he’s a pretty chill guy fr. he doesn’t get jealous often nor inappropriately passionate. He just feels secure in his relationship with you!

But when he is passionate and protective…boy oh boy.

Like, he’s comfortable with having you be besties with the rest of his members, he goes out to clubs with you, let’s you do whatever because he trusts you so there’s really no reason for him to go all possessive and jealous on you.

But it isn’t until today, after seeing an old childhood friend of your try and flirt with you that something switches in him.

You went out to brunch with him, having a pleasant morning while he spoils you with food and his steady and comforting company.

By the end of brunch, while you’re finishing up your plate, you hear a familiar voice you haven’t heard in a few years call out your name. “y/n?? Is that really you?”

You turn your head around, searching around the restaurant as your eyes finally land on your old friend, his figure sauntering up to the table. 

“Oh my God, Juwon! How’ve you been?” you ask, getting up from your seat to hug him.

“Not too bad, just been busy with work and stuff.”

You’re having a yap session with him while you sit back down and this man has the audacity to slide into the booth next to Taehyun without asking and completely ignoring your boyfriend???

The whole time he’s deadass flirting with you, making comments here and there and you brush them off, never feeding in to his delusions. This is kind of what ticks Taehyun off cuz why are you not telling him to stop? Why are you not explaining to him that you’re on a date with your boyfriend.

After what feels like an eternity, Juwon leaves, leaving his number with you and telling you to stay in touch but Taehyun pockets the slip of paper, getting up to pay while you sit there awkwardly.

He returns to fetch you out of the restaurant and the drive home is so quiet, you’re honestly too scared to say anything. But when you return to his apartment, he tosses his keys onto the table, pushing back his hair. “What the hell was that, y/n?” 

“What was what?” you ask in confusion.

Oh.

Taehyun furrows his brows, biting his lips as he thinks of what to say. “Well, let’s just start off with the fact that he literally inserted himself into our date. He completely ignored me, never even asking who I was or introducing himself to me. He was shamelessly flirting with you. And to top it all off, you never told him to stop nor did you tell him I was your boyfriend. You completely ignored me.”

What have you doneeee :((( he’s literally looking at you with watery eyes, though he’s quite pisses. He’s really hurt and confused right now. 

“I-I’m sorry, Tae. I got too caught up seeing him again, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No. you shouldn’t have. I can’t help but feel like he’s gonna swoop down and take my place.”

You stand there with your mouth agape, not quite believing this confession because he’s normally so secure in your relationship. 

“That would never happen,” you reply. “I’m dating you, not him.”

“I know that but the thing that hurt me the most was you not even telling him that we’re dating!”

“You’re an idol, you’re not exactly vocal about our relationship either.”

“Nor do I keep you like some dirty secret.” His composure is honestly crumbling with each word, his voice raising with every reply but never getting to the point of yelling.

“Why do you care so much?”

He cups his hands together, almost beseeching you to understand as he cries out, “Because I love you, y/n!

You and Taehyun stand in stunned silence, staring at each other for about ten seconds. He continues with a hushed and shaky voice. “I don’t need you to go around telling everyone or make a big deal out of it but please, don’t ignore me.” Coming towards you, his fingers brush past your own. “I’m not usually this insecure, you know this but it doesn’t hurt knowing you’re proud to call me your boyfriend…I-I thought you were ashamed or something.”

You gasp, throwing your arms around him as you press your face into his neck, shaking your head. “No, Taehyun! Never! I love you too, Tae. I just got caught up in the moment but I swear, it won’t happen again!” You feel him shudder in your hold, his hands raking over your back. “You have no idea how much I love you, Taehyun. I sometimes don’t know what to do with myself because I love you so much. I’m sorry it had to get to this point for you to tell me that, though.”

Taehyun chuckles, breaking apart to kiss you softly. “Don’t apologize for that, honey. I probably would have went on not telling you for a while. I like to let my actions speak for me.”

Giggling, you lean forward to kiss him again, whispering a multitude of “I love you”s against his lips while he whispers them back.

hueningkai

I think he’d realize he loves you when he sees you interacting with his family!

I don’t know, like yeah all the members seem really family oriented to me but Hueningkai the most of all.

You met Hueningkai a little after debut and you’ve been attached to the hip as friends ever since!

Today, you went shopping with Hueningkai and his sisters Lea and Hiyyih and honestly, it was mostly girl time, plus Hueningkai, which he didn’t mind because he loves seeing you laugh and get it on with his sisters. 

You tried on outfits with Lea, tried makeup with Hiyyih, gossiped with the both of them and he can’t help but think you’re part of the family but not in a sisterly way?? Poor boy is confused at why his heart clenches when you walk out of the dressing room, doing a twirl for them and squealing in delight when his sisters tell you to get it before asking him for his opinion, giving you a curt nod because he’s starting to grow flustered. “You look really cute, y/nnie,” he whispers, blushing.

He’s confused as to why his throat runs dry when Hiyyih reveals she bought matching plushie keychains for the four of them and when you envelop all of them in a giant group hug. 

Sure, he’s always thought you were pretty but today he seems enchanted when you swipe your new gloss over your lips, never tearing his gaze away from your face and resisting all urges to launch himself at you to kiss you. Today, for the first time, he simply cannot keep his eyes off you as you strut around the mall in your new adorable outfit :(( 

You head back to the dorms and you start preparing ramen for everyone, balancing the bowls on a tray towards them, placing one in front of him and his sisters. “Eat up!” you chirp, bouncing to sit next to Hueningkai, your thighs brushing next to his.

You and his sisters have the bowls on your lap as you begin eating but poor Ning’s head is so clouded, too distracted by your close vicinity and your intoxicating perfume, he can’t find it in himself to eat.

Clearing his throat, Hueningkai rises from the couch and you look up at him with wide eyes, confused as you cock your head to the side. “Ning, are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he croaks out, failing to meet your eyes. “I’ll be back in a second, I just have to use the bathroom.”

LMFAOOO blud literally rushes towards the direction of the bathroom but you notice how he actually dips into his bedroom, hoping you wouldn’t see that. 

After like two minutes, he still doesn’t come out and the giggles and yap session with Hiyyih and Lea die down as you too get up, telling them you’re gonna go check on Hueningkai. 

You knock on his door and you hear a muffled, “come in.” Hueningkai thinks it’s one of his sisters so when he sees you opening his door, he fumbles with his phone, dropping it onto the floor. Picking up his phone, you offer it to him and ask, “Are you sure you’re okay, Ning.”

“Yeah, sorry…I just needed a breather.”

You frown, sitting next to him on his bed while you play with the hem of your skirt. “Oh, we’re we being too loud?”

Hueningkai shakes his head, fingers itching to hold your hand. “No, no, it isn’t that. I just…Just got overwhelmed I guess.”

He’s being awfully quiet, which is unlike him and you keep this in mind. He’s normally never nervous, especially around you so you feel like you’ve done something to upset him. “Did-did I do anything?”

Hueningkai is silent for a while, hanging his head as he stares down at his feet. “Do you want me to be honest.

You gulp nervously but tell him to go ahead.

“I don’t know where it came from but I’m just so nervous around you…like everything you’re doing is driving me crazy. In a good way, though! We’ve been friends for so long and I don’t want my feelings to affect our friendship but-but- God, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize this but I think I’m in love with you.” 

You lean down, peering up at him and smile. “You think? Or you are?”

He huffs, leaning back to prop himself on his pillows and plushies. He purses his lips, the habit you think to be the most adorable. “Are you really teasing me right now? I’m honestly quite confused so-” 

You shut him up by planting your lips onto his, your hands gravitating to play with his hair as you feel him gasp into your mouth. You pull away after a few seconds and give him a coy smile. “Are you sure now-”

Now it’s his turn to interrupt you. He kisses you once more and this time it’s more hurried and he drinks you in, his lips dancing against yours while one hand cups your cheek and the other finds purchase on your thigh. 

Your little kissing session is broken apart from the gasp of of Lea, barging into the room and finding the two of you kissing. “Finally, Kai! Hiyyih and I knew you liked her way before you did and it was killing us!”

Hueningkai pants from the kiss, letting his breath catch up to him while he blushes furiously, the tips of his glowing red. “You couldn’t help me figure it out?”

Lea crosses her arms, leaning against the doorframe. “Where’s the fun in that? Besides, we wanted it to happen organically, you know?”

Hueningkai throws one of his plushies at her, wanting her to leave. “Give us like 5 minutes, I need to process everything.”

Lea leaves, closing the door as she yells out, “more like so you can keep kissing her!” Hueningkai chuckles, squeezing your thigh before kissing you again, completely drunk off of you.

[delicateperspective]

Are you new here? How long have you been in the fandom?

tl;dr - I've been a fan since 2011 but this blog and me using my voice within the fandom is a newer thing.

I guess now is as good as time as any to tell my story. I didn't think anyone really cared... but if you're asking :)

I am an ancient forgotten relic from a teenage adolecence spent on SuperWhoLockian tumblr. By 2010, I was obsessed with everything British. My friends were too.

I was ALSO an 18 year-old single mom who had just moved into a big city to work as an admin at a recording studio and had dreams of becoming a songwriter.

It was a natural progression to fall in love with One Direction as a whole from where I was in life. I can't tell you exactly when I started paying more attention to Larry but by the end of 2011, I was all in.

But quietly. I never felt like I had anything to bring to the conversation. There were much smarter, much more talented people keeping the conversation going. And I spent most of my time working and trying to survive rather than being a large part of the fandom.

By 2015 when the band split, I'd decided that the songwriting thing wasn't going to work out. I took everything that I learned from watching 1D and Harry&Louis very closely and translated that into obtaining a second degree in Marketing/Public Relations. Once I had that, I started working in the book industry. (I can almost completely thank Harry, Louis (and one other famous celebrity that I won't name) for the hyperfixation that lead to my career)

For a decade I watched from just outside the fandom lines. I had my favorite blogs bookmarked and would check to see what the boys were up to. I streamed all the solo stuff. I bought the merch (I'm currently wearing a LTWT shirt haha). I wached every interview. I made friends with people in the fandom but only in my own head because they didn't know I existed.

I was a friendly ghost stalking around, afraid of being seen, not being sure there was anything I could bring to the table that wasn't already here. (And I promise there have to be hundreds more like me out there. They are watching, just not brave enough or have time enough to speak.)

As a way to deal with my own greif from Liam, I started a very cannon-compliant fic (I'd never written fanfiction before. But I burnt myself out on writing formulaic romance for profit and needed something JUST FOR ME that I could never try to publish to break myself out of the hole). This required me to search high and low for some of the media I remember consuming over the years to refresh my memory. As I did, I realized how much was being lost at an incredibly alarming rate.

That's how I met @fookinhellcurlyyy and then later @tonix3. These two, along with several others who always have such nice things to say and thank me for my stance on things, have helped give me the bravery to keep putting my posts out there when antis attack my inbox and when it all feels too overwhelming.

[ultrakill-confessions]

No idea if this goes against the rules, I re-read them a bit to make sure, though I'm not 100% confident. This post isn't intended as a vent, although it may read as one. ULTRAKILL has both helped and warped(?) parts of my life. I have a really horrible fixation on ULTRAKILL. I don't tend to scale things because trying to say "I'm a bigger fan than you are because X, Y and Z!!!1!1!" has always pissed me off and generally rubs me the wrong way. However, for me, I do feel like this is in a similar vein (vein like castle v-), and is GENUINELY to a worrying degree imo. Maybe someone else can relate? Unsure.

For context on some of this, I deal with a dissociative disorder, and I'm a split of V1. Even with that, I can only think of one other instance where it complicated an interest of ours this badly. I think about ULTRAKILL every hour on the hour, I'm not even sure if I go ten minutes w/o thinking about it. And I live a healthy (relatively) life! I'm able to do things, go outside, enjoy life to the best of my ability, hold a job, college, etc. and have gotten better w/ socializing (autism really messes w/ this one); I am just fucking insane about ULTRAKILL. This shit consumes a large chunk of my frontal lobe, hand to God. I constantly plan out and/or make fanfictions (though never post em because being an ao3 author is a little spooky, can't lie gehshe), drawings, animations. Dawg I even get GYM MOTIVATION from ULTRAKILL. Body goals? THE MACHINE. I listen to the soundtrack while I work out (my bias to Order, Death of God's Will, Colliding Stars and The Abyss and the Serpent really poke out here). In fact, ULTRAKILL even helped with my gender and sexual (not inherently trying to be NSFW here) identities! Legitimately made me come to the realization that we might align more with being agender than transmasculine, and that we have no idea what our disaster of a sexuality is collectively, so we just say queer! And even though it's still hard to express ourselves, that has helped so much in feeling more .. at comfort? Correct? I dunno. There’s also a lack of need for labels at all now. It feels so fuckin’ goofy to say this because it HAS consumed a part of my life to the point where I feel like I'm peak brain-rotting at times, however it's also really helped, too?? Like in the most oxymoronic way ULTRAKILL has helped me develop as a person. The imaginary scenarios and art I use aids me in my expression and thought and even brings out more of my creativity. Ironically, despite not really wanting to be perceived as a human being, it has made me feel more like a person. I have a love-hate relationship with it only for the intensity of how much I adore it. It makes me upset when I no longer feel like I’m “me” enough, and yet ironically it has helped me to be healthier in other areas. lowkey use it to cope w/ the religious trauma sometimes too haha I will say, though, for a while I thought (and still sometimes do think) it was ruining my mental state. The identity issues, artist envy, missing my source/individuals from it (+ pseudo-memories and heavy dissociation as a whole if I'm being real), and general hyperfixation woes get very heavy at times. Interest so bad I have to look away sometimes when I see voice actor work, SFM's, etc. Not very proud of that. I never express these issues heavily to anybody except my sibling and a few close friends, simply due to the nature of people, especially on the internet, along with the complexity of having to explain an illness that is so severely stigmatized. My current issue is just holding back from spending my money on merch lmao (I may just draw myself with it to cope /hj). I am cringe and I will soon be free! Apologies if this post is depressing and/or repetitive. uhh, I've seen some anons name themselves, so camaraderie anon here?? LOL sorry. (p.s shoutout to the sisyphus likers and people who hate his mischaracterization YOU ARE THE REAL ONES!!!)

-

[tinkspins]

🐺 Art Drop Interest Post 🐺

✍️: aqua_furlong on IG

Hey guys! I am still here (on IG) lmao, I'm currently recovering after being sick, and life has been a lot recently. I've also been hyperfixating on Josh Hartnett, so my brain has been fully consumed by all things him right now, which makes it difficult to focus on other creative things lol

But, that brings me to this design; Ethan Chandler from Penny Dreadful! A design no one but me asked for 😂 but it's absolutely beautiful, the artist did such an amazing and incredible job, and I'm looking forward to working with them again to get a matching Vanessa to go with it! I also do have a version without his hat, if people have more of a preference towards that. But when I was asking around originally, most seemed to prefer the hat lol

I was debating on waiting to post Ethan until I got Vanessa cause I wasn't sure if I wanted them to be a set, still not 100% sure; but I figured this would be a good way to show that I'm still active here (on IG), and also a good tease of what's to come 👀

I have plans to hopefully make this into a pin, stickers, keychains (3D keychain maybe?), etc.

If you'd be interested, please feel free to leave a comment! Thanks guys! 🐺

[aedynlikesgreen]

Intro post?!?!?!

Hello, I'm Aedyn (she/her)!!!! I am a minor but idc abt nsfw or adult blogs interacting. My pfp is my Hollow Knight oc bc I'm working on my persona. My Carrd is also a work in progress.

I like drawing (digital + traditional), painting, writing, coding (Javascript, Python, GDScript, Scratch), sleeping, gardening, running, and playing D&D. In terms of fandoms/content i consume, I like Hollow Knight (abrv. HK), Little Nightmares (all games), Murder Drones, Demon Slayer (not caught up) The Amazing Digital Circus, The Gaslight District, Grounded, Subnautica (yet to play Below Zero), Poppy Playtime, Minecraft, Celeste, Stardew Valley, FNAF (too weak to play the games) Slay the Princess (have not played), How to Train your Dragon (not including the live action...), Jentry Chau vs The Underworld, Gregor the Overlander (have not read all the books), The Unwanteds (only the base series), and The Magnus Archives (yet to listen to the magnus protocol). I'd love to hear abt new fandoms tho - the hyperfixations never end w/me lol.

I mostly post HK drawings, but I do lots of doodling during the day and post too. I want to post more digital stuff but my Clip Studio Paint is being mean again and I can't save pieces, so...

My asks and dms are open. Pls don't be mean. I probs will do little doodles of requests for fun, but I won't draw nsfw or gore. Reblogs are fine. I also don't object to any sort of fanart except for nsfw stuff.

I'm currently participating in @itsaboon 's #june art m challenge. I'm a little behind bc I'm on vacation, but I'm doing my best. Check the tag for all sorts of cool art others are posting. Here's the calendar for the challenge as well.

I'll also be participating in ArtFight!!!! I'm rlly nervous bc it went bad for me last year (had no time + the character I put a lot of effort into attacking got taken down the day I finished my attack) so we'll have to see. No link bc I have not committed to the idea of it yet...

If you made it here, congrats!!! As a reward, here's a secret: if you mention something from Aphmau's Mystreet series in my comments, I will cry in real life and you get one free full drawing of anything (that isn't nsfw/gore). You only get the drawing once, but I will cry every time.

[jelly-of-many-ships]

Intersting experience in math class:

I was doing some work while listening to the good omens soundtrack because it helps me focus and I love remembering which scene each track is from. Anyway, David Arnold (the composer) also composed most of the music for BBC Sherlock, which I don’t think too many people know (He’s amazing and I love literally everything he makes). And so when I finished the good omens album it started playing other music by the artist, which in this case, happened to be the BBC Sherlock intro.

I have not heard that song in almost a year in a half. BBC Sherlock was like a canon event for me, it was the first real fandom I joined and it introduced me to tumblr, fanfiction, and literally every concept associated with fandoms. Most pieces media Ive consumed, and definitely every fandom i’ve joined since then has been in some way because of tumblr, or other fandom spaces. Even good omens, which I am currently hyperfixating on to a frankly concerning extent, I was only introduced to via the domino effect of BBC Sherlock.

Why is this important? idk...backstory I guess? whatever, anyways, after awhile a fell more and more out of interest with Sherlock, and while I’d definitely still consider myself in the fandom, I’m just not really that into it anymore, especially since the rest of the fandom isn’t very active either. The year when my interest was the strongest was a very interesting time. I was really insecure and not very happy, but I had some amazing people in my life who I really miss. These two things, I think, are possibly the worst combination to have in terms of nostalgia, and I find that experiencing things that remind me of this period feels very strange. For example I physically cannot listen to some of the songs I added to my playlist around this time without getting really emotional, but I refuse to delete them because they really do feel like a part of me. From time to time I do remember the bad things and maybe feel a bit upset, and yet if I could go back, I know I would, just to remember what it was like to experience it all.

I don’t think I could ever fully explain it but BBC Sherlock genuinely felt like opening a very weird portal, and so when in the middle of math class, immediately after listening to the good omens track “the end?” and vividly imagining the end credit scene of season two, the Sherlock intro started playing, I felt such a strange mix of awe and nostalgia that I almost started crying. It sounds pretty stupid typing this up, but it was such a unique experience, and I don’t think I can really explain it. Good Omens is the only thing I’ve been even somewhat interested in to the extend of Sherlock, and after listening to possibly the most depressing song of the entire show, to have such a sharp reminder of who I used to be blast full volume into my head felt like diving headfirst into cold water. It really does sound stupid, but in that exact moment I remembered everything; the evening I heard that song for the first time, staying up for hours scrolling through pinterest and discovering the fandom, the first day I told my friends about it, the day i read my first fanfic, the day I was so convinced they were gay I accidentally discovered shipping (lol), the night I finished season 4, alone, at 2am, the day I joined tumblr, the week I learned how to play “the game is on” on piano, and the lunch period I wrote my first fic after daydreaming about it for weeks.

These things probably seem pretty mundane, but this was like a new world to me. They represent more than just discovering I new interest though. They’re some of the only memories I have of that time. I cut my hair, I realized I was queer, and for the first time in my entire life I had an actual friendgroup, one that I still care about so much. Life was, at the same time horrible, yet the best it had ever been, and I didn’t even know it. When I really think about It, I realize in actuality how little time has really passed, but everything feels so different. I think to myself that there’s no way that person was me, that the kid who had so much energy and enthusiasm for life, poetry and writing and had yet never felt so insecure couldn’t have possibly turned into the burnt out, powerless person I feel I am today.

At least I’m not so insecure anymore? I’m not so sure what to say. All I know, is I think that moment in math class made me realize how much I’ve grown, how much I appreciate those experience I got to have, and how much that song will always mean to me.

[hao-and-yoh]

A little reflection time… and no, none of my multiplying twins cast are going to gate crash this post - it’s just me this time.

Behind the scenes of my absolutely insane participation in this fandom, I have a lot going on in my life, some rather sad things, some that are rather stressful.

My hyperfixation and love for my work has really kept me going during a difficult time and my passion and drive to be creative has helped me keep my head above water. It’s amazing that others think the work I create is good quality and enjoyable - which is honestly truly amazing when I get that feedback. The kind of boost it gives me is euphoric, and propels me forward and motivates me more.

Though I think truthfully all along my motivation comes from deep within to tell the story I want to tell because it resonates so much with my heart and I love these characters so so much. Being in that cycle of wanting to read what’s next of your own work is difficult to explain. But without that - I don’t think I would still be here creating. Though at the same time, I really have to give so much love and appreciation to those who have stuck with me from the very beginning @ivycorp and @pisklekota. Your on-going support honestly means more than words. ❤️

I have so many exciting projects planned, some that are already in progress, but I have to recognise that I’m spread really thin - and it’s just not possible to produce the work at the rate I want to. As time goes on, I realise that my capacity to create at the same rate will begin to slow down - but I don’t think my passion is going to go anywhere any time soon. It just means the work I put out may come out a little slower over time.

Current on-going projects:

- Phase 3 of “Alt Universe”

- Mapping out FD “Volume Three”

- “Nobody Can Save Me” full art comic

- “Icebreaker” HaoxHoro Part 3

Planned projects:

- Phase 3 Cover Art

- Volume 3 Cover Art (with all the twin variants!!)

Exciting news! I reached out to a member of the fandom community who is now working on an FD Antagonist AMV for “Asakura Zeke” for me!! I’m so excited ahhh!!! 🔥🔥🔥

And I’ve started participating more in the active fandom community and reaching out to others and enjoying their works too. This has been so rewarding for me and expanded my horizons beyond FD - and it’s been so much fun getting to know others work! I’ve been consuming it all like a woman possessed!!

So last parting words for this post which is a strange mix of sad and happy news, FD and Shaman King as a whole will always be my favourite escape, and I’m excited about what’s to come in the future. The friends I’ve made during this journey are the best part of this whole experience, and I’m so glad that I have created this world that I will be able to return to again and again. ❤️

Alt Hao: are we really not allowed to gate crash?

Me: Oh go on then.

Zeke: Well that didn’t last long. 🙄

Yoh: (ZZzzz)

Alt Hao: Is he still asleep on a plane?!

Me: Yes! 🤣

[undeadfvckgirl-base]

Welcome to my spiral into insanity!

My name is Rubik and I am introducing you to God personally but in a tea party way

I'm a Poly Frag system (The Wither System) with a lot of fictives! Anything past that is not your business if I don't give it to you first

I'm officially 20!

Our host is actually a J subsystem so no matter what you do there will be J on this blog and yes I do own the JcJenson Pen and it's my wife

I am currently hyperfixated on Murder Drones, Minecraft, Roblox Pressure and just got into Welcome to Night Vale!

I'm Otherkin/Alterhuman collectively and individually!

Our collective kins are

Dragon Kin

Wither/Witherstorm Kin

and Cat Kin

My own kin list is short but it's primarily

Alternate kin

and Warden/Sculk kin

Some important things about me is I do not have a dni however I expect you to respect your OWN DNI and please do not follow me if you are uncomfortable by these facts about me otherwise I will just assume you don't care/don't mind as I am not a mind reader

I am Pro Endo. I have been Anti Endo and it ruined my life. If that upsets you that's not my problem

I am Pro Mspec identities and that does and will always include Bi Lesbians. Excluding these people is the same repackaged aphobia we had earlier on tumblrs life and you know it is

I really do not care what you ship. Please talk to me about your weird ships I enjoy exploring creative ideas about dynamics and relationships and moral debate on creative freedom is puritism (Fine I'll say it I'm proship)

I. AM. A. DSMP. FAN. I do not care what you have to say about whatever content creator because I am not their fucking parent. "That guy is problematic" you've been saying that for years I just want to consume the cool art people draw about my funny minecraft men please get off my lawn

I will never shut up about how Cyn is not childcoded and you can't make me

I'm Pro Para btw (Anti-Contact however) and if that bothers you that's also not my problem. It's a disorder don't be a mental health ally if you won't be an ally for people who have "icky" disorders

I suck at intros I know I do but I think this is everything about me that's important so here are some user boxes (more to be added as I go on) and then more information/links under the cut!

Links! (More to be added later)

Spotify playlists I've made X)

[ananke-xiii]

I've finally organized (the majority of) my posts with the proper tags! I'm so proud of myself, I genuinely thought I was never gonna do it but hey, miracles do happen after all!

It took me almost one year but now I've fully realized the importance of tags, this is what I call progress...

It was actually quite a helpful thing to do because I've identified what my major themes are and well, turns out I do write about a lot of stuff, don't I?

I'm sad to report that not all tags work for all posts, I don't know why this is happening and, honestly, I don't care right now. Things will sort themselves out... somehow... magically... in the future.... lol.

I like some of the names I've chosen, some others are too prosaic, what can I say? Inspiration comes and goes.

#the book of john: john winchester as a character is my current hyperfixation.

#myths we live by: general observations and/or criticism about the underlying myths that are prominent/popular in the stories I consume and that therefore play a part in my understanding of the world.

#movies in spn: it's not shocking news to anyone but once I've personally realized the depth to which movies in SPN are not just used as references but as foundational structures to write episodes on it was over for me.

#destiel and betrayal: dean and cas relationship as a marriage of (con)sorts based on betrayal.

#on resurrection: I see resurrections as rebellions against Time, a way to keep the past forever alive, which is the ultimate undead that must rise to be faced etc. And I use Supernatural to explore my obsession, thank you very much.

#billie won theory: I think Billie won because the weight of the role of Death in the narrative was eventually re-established. On one hand, it's a postive thing because Death is too much of a powerful symbol to be discarded the way it was in S10, it was bound to re-emerge. On the other, the way it was re-framed is quite... bad because it gives a problematic and conservative flavor to the finale where Death is glorified and romanticized. After all, let's all go back to the jolly old times that never were jolly, instead they're just old, and be content that there will be happiness in the after-life, yeah! No thank yewwwwww.

#phd in spn s12: I have a fascination with s12 which I can't really explain to be honest. I don't even like the BMOL storyline! But I love Mary and I LOOOOVE. LOOOOOOOOOOVE Kelly Kline so, you know. Maybe that's it.

#time travels in spn: I have a lot to say about time travels but I never manage to write down what I want the way I want so there's not so much in here for now. But maybe... somehow... magically... in the future... I'll be able to write coherently so that people can actually understand me etc.

#spn angels: I have. A.LOT.to say about them. I love them, they're the ultimate dysfunctional family. Apart from Cas, Metatron is my fave, be warned.

#spn s9 is complicated: well, nothing more to add. It is what it is. BUT, ALSO. S9 is kinda good, like... the episodes are, like, not bad at all. And the plot more or less makes sense which is a huge compliment for Supernatural.

#super-m/Others: mothers in SPN are my favorite thing. I mean, I know this is supposed to be THEE show about absent fathers but I honestly don't care, SPN mothers are wild and most of them are also dead. Lot to think about.

#spn lines: some lines that I like or that I want to analyze.

#jack the puer: I have this theory, you know, and it's about Jack and how he perfectly fits the imaginal archetype of the "Puer Aeternus" and one day I'll write more about it, hence the tag. It's like a promise to myself.

#b/w spn: this is about how SPN is a show about dichotomies and how sometimes the lines between polarities get blurred and some other times (too many times) are reinforced much to my chagrin.

Okay, soooooo, finally.... Order in my land of Chaos! Hope you enjoy it! <3

[wake-me-up-inside-imagines]

Who/what inspired you to come up with each character in MM? I love those cuties! 🥹

Thank you so much! I'm gonna focus on the origins of the main pack in this post since they have the most personality, but let me know if you want any more detail on some background characters!

Leo has always been around because at his base level, he's essentially a self-insert oc. His character grew and fluctuated as I grew up, so his personality really just became whatever my own was at any given time. Since I began writing for him he's gained a decent amount of his own character, especially since I write him to be older than I currently am, but a lot of his personality is still relatively similar to mine. Overall, he's been around since I started imagining myself as part of the media I consumed.

I can't remember exactly when Rain came to be, but I think he originally started out as a my hero oc. I remember I was creating a large group of ocs for a friend group, and Rain was part of that crew. I think it was a vigilante au where the hero's where prepping ua to go up against a newfound vigilante group that took out villains and corrupt heroes, only to realize that one of the members was Aizawa's adopted kid + that kid's friend group. I always loved alternative genres of style and music (still do), and I still carry a lot of angst from my warrior cat/nightcore/early 2010's youtube phase, so I created a stereotypical emo character to project my edginess onto (keep in mind I was like, fourteen, so please don't judge me). That character was Rain! He was actually originally much more of a quiet, brooding character, but as I began really spending time developing my ocs, he became the boisterous dude I write him as today. Not sure when that switch happened, but I'm glad it did.

When it came to Micah, he was somewhat of a joke character at first. He was inspired by mountain from GHOST, which i was heavily hyperfixated on at the time. I thought it would be really funny to have a comically tall character, and since both mountain and Micah shared that characteristic, I kinda just yoinked mountain's fandom assigned personality and slapped it onto Micah (I think part of why I did that was also because I was creating ghoul apprentice ocs for my own GHOST au, and I was basing the mentor/apprentice duos off of personality). For there he followed the same path as Rain; I started working on him more as a character, and his personality changed until it is what it is today. I always liked the gentle giant trope so Micah's kind, calm attitude stayed the same, but he definitely speaks more often (originally he only spoke when spoken to), and he has more depth to his traits than i originally gave him.

Ren started off as a Voltron oc. He was a galra soldier under Lotor's command, although he was never much of a fighter. I don't remember much of what the plotline was for that story, but I do remember that he was just as shy and awkward as he is to this day. I think that was the charm at the time, I enjoyed seeing characters in roles that contradicted their personality. Once I started creating my own universe of characters, I carried him over, and that's where his actual backstory and family life started coming together.

Fun fact: Ren's original name was Suka. There's a character in Super Danganronpa another 2 that had the nickname Suka (or at least it was part of her name), and I thought it was cute. I changed it to Ren when i googled what Suka meant and according to google, it means "to vomit" (if that's incorrect please don't crucify me, that's just what came up when I looked it up). not the greatest thing to name such a sweet character, so I took pity on him and changed it.

I can't remember exactly how Charlie came to be. I think he might have also been been inspired by one of the GHOST ghouls (specifically dew/sodo), but I genuinely can't remember if that's how he was created, or if I just shaped him to be like that ghoul after he was made. Either way, I always liked the "tough guy who's a softie for their s/o and friends" trope, so that's mostly what inspired Charlie. After that, it was just another case of working on his character and backstory, coming up with scenarios to develop him as a character further.

Rachel is the only one who doesn't have a fully developed character, mostly because she's a baby. I'm sure I'll write some stuff of her when she's older, but that won't be for a while. Having said that, she was the sole oc in Mate Madness that was created for that specific story.

I always liked larger pack dynamics in omegaverse fiction just because it's more fun to read/write, so I picked the ocs that I felt would fit the best together. I had already written a piece with the five mates getting together in the past, so I took that idea and made Mate Madness! I hoped that answered your question!

[siilverkey]

KhronEz hcs because it's currently midnight for me and my brain refuses to make me fall asleep until I consume more content of those two... @kokii-omii bless you for creating this wonderful ship and curse my autism for making this a hyperfixation that won't even let me sleep

- When they were kids they had sleepovers almost everyday because of how close they were - until Khron's mom died, they started to have less sleepovers but their friendship never ceased one bit

- Holding hands. Always. There's not a moment where they're together and not holding hands otherwise they'd both combust, especially Khron.

- Khron WILL praise Ezmond literally every day. Every second. It's always shit like "you're gorgeous" "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" "I love you" "My pretty boy" etc etc and all that. He knows Ezmond's language is words of affirmation - because he's probably very stressed by the expectations of being the young prince's advisor and wants only the absolute best for him

- Also I feel like after finding out he had to abandon the dream he worked so hard for, Ezmond became depressed and it got to a point once where he wouldn't leave his room unless it was necessary and would ONLY let Khron in. Because he knows Khron is one of the only people who understand him (as well as his grandpa but this ain't about him)

- Khron has an easy life - he's always happy, despite a slightly strained relationship with his dad he's never not smiling and a ball of sunshine. But he feels guilty, wishing Ezmond could live like that too - of course, still being himself, but also being just as happy as he is with himself.

- Khron has also started to hate the person who decided Ezmond would have to give up on his dreams, and that's the only person he ACTUALLY resents and wants the worst for them.

- The type of kids to make aggressive Barbie roleplays with the JUICIEST drama ever it got to a point once where the father was doing it w the dead grandma (they DID NOT know any better probably, also that's just me projecting because it's exactly how I used to play 😭)

Also as I finished writing this I fell asleep and now it's morning 🙃

- Khron DEFINITELY sleeps every night w a plushie that Ezmond gave him when they were kids and he refuses to sleep without it

- Probably canon but Khron will carry Ezmond bridal style out of nowhere when he's bored (sometimes even when he thinks Ezmond looks tired) and refuses to let go ever

- (this one is entirely sfw cuz I'm afraid sum ppl will think it's not based on real life experiences 😭) Khron's chest is probably very soft, and I like to think that it IS. Every time they're sleeping together Ezmond uses his chest as a pillow and doesn't think twice abt it like it's part of his routine (Khron likes when he does it, he just gets REALLY flustered each time)

- They literally almost never have arguments - only Ezmond yelling a bit but it's mostly not that serious. However they once had a big argument back when Ezmond was still depressed (like 15 before they got into NRC) - he started shutting out EVERYONE including Khron and his grandpa; snapping, yelling, irregular anger and much more and that led to a big argument with tons of insults (they both still feel horrible about it)

- (TW FOR THIS ONE) That phase in Ezmond's life got so bad, he was one snap away from overblotting so he decided he would just end his life but Khron was lucky enough to Walk in on Ezmond moments before he was about to hang himself and basically ripped the rope off of the ceiling with his bare hands. They ended up hugging each other and crying and Khron still feels like the worst boyfriend in the world, because he knows that argument was Ezmond's last straw.

But that's all for now!! I'll make more guys

Also I'm at my stepsisters' house and forgot my charger my phone is at 7% SAVE ME 😭

[dickt4tor]

all work and no play makes jack a dull (and demented) boy - pt. 1

Someone told me that my "problem" is that I'm too open minded. It was ironic because it came from one of the most narrow-minded people I know, especially when it comes to things she doesn't understand. I laughed when she said it. In the moment it was a "let's hear what this bitch is gonna say" kinda laugh, like yes, please tell me who I am with your unwarranted, limited scope of my life, oh wise nigga. But knowing who she is, there's always truth in what she says and she is pretty wise, so I took it into consideration. I like to think of it as more of a fatal flaw. I'm thoughtful and like to put the clearest and best intentions into whatever I create, but sometimes (most of the time) to the point where it paralyzes me. Every option, open and viable in my head, sucks me in and it's paralyzing. And when I get overwhelmed by so many possibilities, I become anxious and my imagination is hyperfixated on fear. I want to use that emotion as a springboard to understand myself and pursue my passions, and in doing so I can process the emotion, along with other intense emotions: confusion, anger, jealousy, etc., instead of being consumed by them. Whether it be through literature, culture, spirituality, sexuality, gender, visual art, performing (dancing, singing, martial arts, etc.), psychology, politics, biology, nature and other interests I develop along the way, the question I'm trying to answer is "who am I? " I used to ask that question to myself so much when I was younger because I never really felt connected to myself. And for many reasons, instead of exploring, I made myself small in fear that I wouldn't be accepted anywhere else. But as much as I feel for that part of myself, I'm no longer that child and I've learned that whatever makes me different, are the things I'm meant to share. I want to take charge of my life, so I'm choosing to release the part of myself I locked away, and see where it takes me. While it will take some time to fully let go, I can use this defense mechanism that shaped me into a deeply insightful and introspective person to my advantage. I'm figuring things out as I go and this blog is meant to be the real time documentation of my growth. And honestly, it'll help keep me from losing my mind. At this current point in my life, it feels very make or break, and I worried so much that I might break to the point where I did. But it was necessary; I aways saw it coming, not to the point of ending up at the psych ward (Story pending. I can't shut up about anything, sorry.), but being forced to a (less volatile) emotional breaking point where I wouldn't have a choice but to be more forward and confident in my self-expression, especially communication. But I have to keep reminding myself that I'm human and I need time to grow and figure myself out. I'm only 20. I'd probably have lived a hard knock ass life by now if I had everything all figured out. Life itself is already filled with challenges, so I don't need to rush the process, adding even any more resistance. This is the toughest lesson I've had to learn thus far. I want to be able to work through uncomfortable feelings and situations in order to come out of it with a stronger and closer connection to myself and my loved ones, but for a while I'd been running from myself. But at this point, my choice is a glaring green neon sign. I can't abandon myself in wonderland anymore. But was Wonderland ever a bad thing? I think that'll be covered in my next essay; there's so much to learn on the other side of what we've been taught is normal or socially acceptable. I don't think I'll ever feel whole or fulfilled if I don't face and understand the parts of myself that make me uncomfortable. Honestly, I think it's impossible for everyone. Embodying and sharing the knowledge I've gained about myself is my way of doing that. I have a lot bottled up that I want to say, so there'll be much more to come. I hope you enjoy (or don't, I'm not holding you hostage).

~

Musical Inspirations

Chasing Shadows - Santigold Self - Cleo Sol I'm Still Standing - Elton John The Bitch is Back - Elton John

[lastweeksshirttonight]

Lee is re-watching Sherlock for some fucking reason - Season One

I'm well aware that the crossover between "currently popular and loved British comedian in the US updates, thirst, and accoutrements" and "BBC show that went so off the rails that people now like to pretend Andrew Scott's breakout role was the Hot Priest in Fleabag" is limited, but weirdly, returning to Sherlock was one of the few things that was keeping my brain somewhat grounded and whirring during Work Hell.

We're in uncharted territory here. You're gonna learn a bit about the things I do when I'm not tracking John Oliver obsessively. I am nervous about this but hey, I'm guessing most of you knew I don't solely live and breathe John Oliver. (I know. I have multitudes. This is a shocking revelation. Please take time to process it.)

Firstly, a content note - there's going to be discussion about queerbaiting and queercoding villains, and the beginning of this goes into some of James Somerton's absolutely disgusting claims about the AIDS crisis. This post will only be focused on Season One, as that's all I've finished at this point.

Let's go.

(above image sourced from Writing Tips and Memes)

My sudden re-emergent hyperfixation started because of the hbomberguy takedown of James Somerton, weirdly. I don't follow many YouTubers - I like Bright Sun Films because he goes urban exploring, something I've always wanted to do but have never managed to make happen, and also Todd in the Shadows, whose Trainwreckords series is very well-done and expertly researched. Seeing that name, you might know where this is going. Todd dropped a video about James Somerton, who I had never fucking heard of and now wish I'd known about before, so I could scream bloody murder about what an absolute fuckwad he is.

(I don't want to get too in the weeds here, but the things James asserted about WWII, Nazis, and the AIDS crisis are so vehemently offensive that I'm still struggling with them. Claiming that only boring gays survived the AIDS crisis in particular is so vile that I have gotten anger flashes thinking about it almost daily since hearing it.)

Todd recommended watching all four hours of the hbomberguy plagiarism video, and I ran that in the background while working about two weeks ago. Eventually I had to stop doing that because the plagiarism revelations were so distracting and shocking. Todd's video was even more of a goddamn mindfuck, and even the smaller, less offensive things have taken up far too much space in my brain. Californians, does anyone at all deify Bob Iger??? Like... what the goddamn fuck??? Bob Iger????

After watching one hbomberguy video, the algorithm did its thing, and gave me a video called "Sherlock is Garbage and Here's Why". Posting it here for posterity:

Because my brain works in mysterious ways (-cough-ADHD-cough-), watching this... made me want to rewatch Sherlock.

I initially saw Sherlock for the first time thanks to someone I met in my last year of college, 2012. At the time, Michael (a nickname) was my neighbor in the dorms; over the past ten years, she's become one of my closest friends and a true rock in my life. One of the first things we bonded over that I introduced her to was the San Francisco Giants and the ghost I will always be chasing, Tim Lincecum; one of the first things we bonded over that she introduced me to was BBC Sherlock. The show was in the early months of its extended hiatus after Season Two, at the height of its fandom, and we were both completely obsessed. I read all the Doyle stories, took in a truly wild amount of fanfiction, wrote a not-very-popular AU fic, became part of a strange inter-dorm ARG based on Sherlock orchestrated by Michael... it consumed a huge part of our lives.

When Season 3 dropped, I almost stopped watching after "The Empty Hearse". I don't want to get into why it offended me so much before we get to a Season 3 post, but just know my enthusiasm severely dampened there. The rest of Season 3 I think of with blase emotions, especially the ending, which I found just dumb, save one part of it. I recall going to see The Abominable Bride in theatres with my mom (and maybe Michael?), and I think I liked it fine - aside, again, from the ending. But I had no interest in a Season Four, and when it dropped, Michael's long rambling phone calls describing the absolute shitstorm of a plot cemented that I was never going to watch it again.

Until now.

I definitely don't think the hbomberguy video is perfect. His insistence that Doyle canon never had Holmes pull answers to cases out of his ass is... something, lol, as is his opinion that changing the solution to certain puzzles in A Study in Pink disrespects the original canon. (Bro, these stories have been retold a bajillion times, they need to mix it up to keep it interesting.) But he put a finger on something that I'd wrestled with regarding Sherlock for a long time - that the show's writing often teased something big and new and conclusive in the horizon, but almost never delivered. That wasn't an issue in early days when there was less invested in an increasingly convoluted mythic story, or when they weren't fully blowing off the resolutions to cliffhangers, but the flaw in writing a story where you promise something huge on the horizon and never deliver should be obvious.

The first season doesn't trade much in that idea, and going back to it was something I found exceptionally enjoyable!

Before I watched:

I remembered bits and pieces of "A Study in Pink" and the whole plot in summary.

I truly didn't remember anything about "The Blind Banker" except that I found it fairly 'yellow peril'-y when I saw it in 2012.

I mixed up huge chunks of Season Two's "A Scandal in Belgravia" with "The Great Game" in my head and somehow forgot the main plot thrust was Moriarty kidnapping people and strapping bombs to them.

I genuinely forgot Sebastian Moran was a character basically hallucinated into existence by the fandom and didn't appear in the show at all until a brief appearance in Season Three.

In a way, it was like I was watching the show for the first time all over again. My partner also watched the first season with me, and it was interesting to get his thoughts on the show as we watched.

To start, his favorite character is Mycroft. Watching Season One, I had to agree that Mycroft has a depth of character that I'd forgotten about. Mark Gatiss plays him perfectly, aloof and smarter than you but unsure of how to deal with his natural feelings of concern and fear for his oft-spiraling, danger-seeking younger brother - and how those feelings magnify with the influence of extreme danger-seeker (at least in this season) John Watson. The show wants you to believe so badly that he's Moriarty in "A Study in Pink", which I don't think works even if you know he isn't Moriarty - there's a warmth to Gatiss' Mycroft that, even while he's doing incredibly ominous things like shutting off all cameras in a busy intersection, still comes through.

My favorite character is Moriarty. I haven't mentioned this very much here, because why would I, but my favorite character type in media is "theatrical abject shithead". It's why I cosplay Bakugo from My Hero Academia and loved everything about Akechi in Persona 5. Hell when I was a kid, I told teachers that when I grew up, I wanted to join Team Rocket. I love the theatrical shitheads. And boy, is Moriarty some sort of theatrical shithead. I don't DISAGREE with hbomberguy pointing out that, as written, Moriarty is a complete mess of a character, a queer-coded literal terrorist with no motivations besides "I did that because I'M CRAAAAZY!"... but he's my queer-coded literal terrorist, ok? I could write a whole paper on all the harmful stereotypes inhabiting this version of Moriarty... but I can't deny that the flamboyance and violence pulsing just beneath the surface of Andrew Scott's performance was the beating heart of that show for me. Sure, Sherlock and John, at least early on, were a compelling duo, but the show was at its best with Moriarty pulling strings for inexplicable reasons in the background. I love him.

(An aside: watching Sherlock made me remember how hilarious it was to see basically every major actor from the show in one of my favorite movies of all time, 1917, to the point that I actually kinda laughed in the theatre thinking about it.)

The entirety of the first season also is more devoted to actual crime-solving and detective work than I remembered the show being. I think that works strongly in its favor, and as I recall things from later seasons, drifting from that element definitely hampers the show greatly. In particular, while the lazy and uncomfortable Orientalism of "The Blind Banker" is still incredibly glaring, the actual mystery at the core of it is very excitingly tracked and easily followed while watching. The fact that John is treated like an equal (mostly) throughout only enhances my thoughts on that. "The Great Game" is a little more slapdash (and hurt by the fact that the entire Vermeer section would be solvable with a smartphone nowadays), but you can still make connections mentally with most of the cases and deduction/investigation is being shown logically. (hbomberguy cites the Golem as a problematic logical leap akin to some of Season Two's dumbest, and I can't agree. It's a reasonable suspension of disbelief to assume Sherlock knows about assassins and is followed by some more sensible investigation and inspection of the Golem's victim. The sequence of Sherlock fighting the Golem, however, is very, very silly.)

Related to that... the autopsy doctors on this show are fucking AWFUL at their jobs. Like straight-up negligently awful. How in the actual fuck did they not investigate the puncture marks on Connie Price's body? How did they not notice a highly distinctive heel tattoo on three recently-murdered corpses? Is Molly the only vaguely competent person in the mortuary? My partner and I were extremely amused that, while Lestrade and his police force are thankfully shown with much more intelligence than in other Holmes adaptations and BBC!Watson wouldn't think jam is a clue, the writers seem to have shunted the stupidity straight to the invisible autopsy doctors.

The first season also does a good job of making Sherlock seem like an overly intelligent if socially stunted human being, instead of the condescending prickish intellectual Ubermensch he ends up becoming as the show progresses. "A Study in Pink"'s ending being Sherlock throwing aside his deduction of the cabbie's killer when he realizes it's Watson, unconvincingly lying to Lestrade and insisting he's in shock before rejoining the other man and genuinely bonding with him, is remarkably compelling as fulfillment of a promise we get from Lestrade earlier in the episode - "Sherlock Holmes is a great man. One day he may even be a good one." My memory is admittedly faulty, but part of why "The Empty Hearse" turned me off so viscerally was Sherlock's (and to an extent, Mycroft's) insufferable growing smugness, particularly where explaining plans or mysteries to John. We get told often that Watson humanizes Sherlock and that the two have a strong bond throughout the series, but Sherlock gets much more dickish in general as the series progresses. One thing I do remember with stark clarity is that after being utterly chastised at a Christmas party in "A Scandal in Belgravia", Sherlock does visibly treat Molly MUCH better throughout the remainder of the show. So, uh, why did we lose that energy with the show's central pairing?

Speaking of the show's central pairing, the queerbaiting starts SO EARLY on this show. I want to make it clear that obviously the benefit of hindsight and knowledge of how the show ends really colors a lot about the Johnlock relationship now, and as a society, we're more aware of what queerbaiting is and what it looks like, which will obviously alter how I perceive these interactions now. I also want to make it clear that I never really shipped Johnlock outside of just kind of assuming that it would be canon because everyone seemed really convinced of it. (I was an absolute degenerate that shipped John with Moriarty. On top of enjoying theatrical disasters, I enjoy ships with an abundance of chaos and impossibility.) There's some biases at play here.

Even so, we are not far into the episode where John is protesting that obviously he needs a second bed in 221B to Mrs. Hudson, he's not gay! The scene in the restaurant has such an aggressively shippy energy to it (despite Watson's consistent denials) that I actively commented on it to my partner as it was happening, saying "the queerbaiting happens WAY SOONER than I thought!" It's distracting and has aged absolutely terribly. The worst by far is John quipping, after being removed from a bomb vest at a pool in "The Great Game", that people will talk because of Sherlock ripping his clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. Why is Watson's heterosexuality so fragile that he's thinking about gossip rags as he's actively recovering from a near-death experience?!

(Aside: I'm aware that last point is not as effective when you think about the fact that I shipped two characters whose sole canonical interaction was one man kidnapping and forcing the other into a bomb vest. In my defense, a) I love mess and b) John never quips about thinking people will talk because he got kidnapped.)

Moriarty's first appearance in "The Great Game" sees him as Molly's fake boyfriend slipping a phone number to Sherlock, which lead to my partner commenting about how distracting it also was, on top of the queerbaiting, that almost every single person on the show has some sort of deep metaphysical attraction to Sherlock. Those people aren't on the lighting and cinematography team for sure; Benedict Cumberbatch is lit ominously and sometimes demonically throughout the first season, highlighting his antihero and brusque nature effectively. But many, many characters in the show - just in season one, Molly, Moriarty, multiple characters of the day, the Cabbie, and John - are all drawn to Sherlock and his very special brain and his very sharp cheekbones. Signs of a big future problem come through in this way, where the show starts sidelining Watson as our central figure and puts Sherlock squarely at the center of everyone's universe and makes lesbians fall in love with him.

(My partner also laughed pretty hard at how obvious Moriarty's pratfalls were as Molly's boyfriend, noting that the show was pretty bad at hiding who Moriarty was every time it came up.)

Some of the seeds of Sherlock's destruction are sown in this first season, obviously. The big one I haven't touched on is the ending cliffhanger itself. Moriarty has John and Sherlock trapped in the pool, tens of sniper sights trained on them, and says that he can't let them escape. Amazing cliffhanger here! It is not fulfilled on at all, but because Andrew Scott can carry anything on his back (including Spectre, which I cannot start talking about because we'll be here all day), the scene doesn't feel like a total waste and makes you want to hang on to find out what happens later.

But there was so much here that was delightful. All the acting is uniformly excellent, and the overt physical tics that come to define Sherlock's mind palace and mental prowess being showcased are barely evident here. The actual detective work, like I said earlier, is really involving! I don't feel like I figured out the solutions for the mysteries I couldn't recall the answers for too easily and thought Sherlock's deductive reason largely followed and wasn't too obscure. I'm still such a sucker for the show's style - that opening credits sequence is so perfectly put together, the text messages that interact with the scene and at the time made this show feel so fresh and modern to me, filming the character's faces in taxis through panes of glass and obscuring material in "A Study in Pink" to give everything an obfuscating sheen... give me all of it.

The music, too, was something I'd forgotten about and truly ended up adoring. Taskmaster (and The Horne Section's score for it) really owes a debt to Michael Price and David Arnold. So much of Sherlock's score could probably be dropped straight into a Taskmaster episode and I would have to think pretty hard to notice a difference in the show's usual musical palette. I've been eyeballing the vinyl on eBay, to give you an idea of how much I love this score. "The Game is On" is a perfect piece of music, clockwork spinning noises emphasizing the jauntiness of Sherlock as he drags Watson on his latest case before sliding into the more subdued, vaguely ominous thrum of its second movement descending into the madness of the third part, violins shrieking as the action reaches its apex.

Normally, with such a degree of pleasant surprise, I'd be eager to move forward to Season Two. Unfortunately, I know the first episode of Season Two is... a doozy. To say the least. A doozy that may get its own essay because of how doozy-ish it is.

In any case, I ended up really enjoying going back to Season One of Sherlock! Super down to talk further about the show, future write-ups, and my horrible taste in fictional ships and men - shoot me a message, reply to this post, wherever, I'll be here! <3

[lanaevyssmoved]

NINE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW BETTER ❣️

tagged by @moonmothers @flymmcargo @kelemvorr @baldursgate2 !!!!!!! thank u so much.. u are all so sweet and thoughtful...

tagging @cetra @dandeyrain @princeofhags @mercymaker @lord-woolsley @hibernationsuit @alongtidesoflight @shadowcursedballs @tombtaker :D no pressure of course my friends! you may also consider this an invitation to talk to me more :3c

favorite color: wellow... ✨🍯🐝🌻💛⚡ i have loved yellow since i was very small my sister loved purple so everything she owned was purple and everything i owned was yellow.. and my room is still entirely yellow everything is YELLOW..... it just happens i gravitate

last song: uhhh spotify says i was last listening to last chapter in time, first chapter in eternity by VVN it absolutely fucks but bare in mind it might make you sad? tis music to make you feel and that shit always has different effects on people. OOP and spotify shuffle Just put on times change by umziky which is CUTE glitchpoppy stuff OH and spotify just put on higher by ia. which is vocaloid ur welcome.. this says how slow i am huh am i typing too much AND NOW ITS into the woods by phildel im making u a playlist

last movie: last movie i watched was godzilla king of the monsters with aisling teehee... every movie i've watched recently was with aisling... hehe.......

currently watching: WELL i was watching breaking bad but i burnt out around season 3 after i was binging it all day long and before that i binged all of desperate housewives all day long without any break so am i surprised i burnt out? no. also desperate housewives fucks

currently reading: uh i'm like always reading the six of crows by leigh bardugo i will open that book consume the Content and then close it whenever i feel like reading parts of it........ actually reading thru a full book currently no....not really but lets say crooked kingdom yeah

current obsession: mayhaps this question is pointless but i am deep in an autistic hyperfixation on bg3 which is showing no signs of dying down or stopping i will also say i am hyperfixating on gale himself and honestly my oc afhiri. and i think its safe to say illithids too i cannot stop myself from gobbling up information on them and i think about them just as much as the others ...........

sweet, savory, or spicy? i will sayy savoury!!!! i do like sweet but not as much . i am currently really obsessed with gravy..... not american gravy or whatever the bwi'ish kind.......... had to confirm that because i ain't got a fucking clue what american gravy is like . but i know its different!!!!!! due to my very english upbringing i never consumed spice ever in my life until i started to introduce it into my own diet a year ago and now i can eat things that say spicy just fine!! and they are very delicious. i really enjoy spicy noodles especially

currently working on: I HAVE TWO AFHIRI GALE FIC WIPS CURRENTLY ... :3c one of them is a cute domestic scene i'm writing through aislings influence and the other is a fat and large post game 3 years later fic that i cannot describe in any way than a psychological horror fic. :).....