#like i have not been on here regularly in...

[elasbubble]

I watched 911 kinda regularly - without really being part of the fandom. Which to be honest seems to be healthier. Some fans are super intense and obsessed with the idea of Buck and Eddie. I never saw it really but I have to say I really like the development with Buck and Tommy.

So I never shipped Buck and Eddie romantically. I love their relationship and how close they are but I never thought there is more or there needs to be more. Now that I checked some tags here I see how popular they are and how many think that this recent development means that Buck and Eddie become a thing.

And of course I cannot say this never will be an option also regarding with how much attention they get even now. But there are some things that do not make sense to me if the plan is to pair them up.

Because A) to make them a couple they kinda have to repeat the storyline again. Buck - mostly presented as straight for six seasons - realized he is also interested in men. So at one point Eddie - who has also been only presented as straight so far - has to go through the same process to make them become a thing. So the audience would see a very similar storyline twice. And I can’t imagine that the show runners would just tell the same story again.

B) If the plan is to put these two together - why include the detour with Tommy. Why not just tell the storyline with Eddie from the start. Have them experience a very close moment in which both realize - oh it’s you who I love. Because Eddie needs to have the realisation at one point anyways to make this work. So they could just tell the story with the two of them.

C) If Buck and Eddie are together. The creators would limit themselves in telling future stories. Because Eddie and Buck already share a lot of screen time. Also have them be romantically involved would make it almost impossible to separate them and show them with other characters. It would be like work together, hang out together, go home together etc etc. So far, their individual love interests - apart from family issues - is pretty much the only thing that kinda separates them and allows the creators to tell individual storylines.

D) What would really change when they are together? Kinda goes hand in hand with the previous point. Both are super close. They care about each other. They love each other. What would change if they become a couple. Nothing except they might kiss here and there. The dynamics will remain pretty much the same.

[milene-with-an-e]

Hi! This is my first ever post on here and this drawing I did of Kevin Day seems like the perfect start for my account. I‘ve been drawing for a while but I recently have not found the time to do so consistently. I am hoping that posting my art here might be a way for me to draw more regularly again!

[colourstreakgryffin]

Hallo again! I am the one who asked about Val, it wasn't a request I was asking if you write for him so here we go!

Could it please be where reader is Valentino's son ( or just child if you don't write for male reader ) and Valentino can't find someone to trust-worthy to babysit his son so he just take him to work since reader is non-verbal anyway and won't be much of a bother?

So reader now comes regularly with him and see the other Vees as family. Perhaps Vox as another dad/uncle and Velvette as a big sister ( or any family role for them ).

Thank you for giving a look to my request!

Ooh! Right! Okay, okay. I can try this out. To be honest, Val is a monster but something tells me he wouldn’t be THAT bad with a kid of his own and yes, I do write male readers. Female, male, transgender, genderfluid(if that’s possible, idk how but I would do it anyway), nonbinary/GN! But anyways. Let’s try Val out as a dad!

Valentino- Silkworm Caterpillar

Everybody who knows the director of the Pentagram City’s Porn Industry, Valentino, is aware how much of a bastard he is; cruel, abusive, exploitative but nobody had ever suspected that he would actually one: have a son and two: treat that son better than he’s ever treated anybody, even his on-and-off boyfriend, Vox

Your dad’s an insufferable man-child but yet, he is actually pretty good with you. He doesn’t really like much things, other than you. He is awful but he feels kinda soft and fluffy whilst he is around you. You’re basically his soft spot

Valentino needs hugs and he will get them, no matter what may step in his path. You are non-verbal and mute so he cannot communicate with you properly, he just acts on his affections for you since he believes it’s fine

Valentino is that type of wingman-father. He always encourages you to get out of your comfort zone and boosts you up to look even better. He’s a close friend to you and you can hang out with him in casual settings where it almost seems like he is just your uncle, not your father

Valentino always offers to get you what you want, he is a father that spoils his seed rotten. Want a drink? He’ll get it. Want a phone? He’ll get it. Want more hugs? You’re getting them rather you want it or not. He likes it when you smile and he does very much have favouritism towards you, where he almost never raises his voice to you

Valentino is actually protective, believe it or not and he is defensive over his son. Rather said son be above ten years old, he doesn’t trust a single being in Hell. Not anybody in Vees, not any under their luck bum he picks up for hire, not any one of his assistants. Nobody. He doesn’t ever want to leave you with somebody who can cause a threat

Valentino doesn’t really want to resort to this but after some more time. He decides to stop leaving you in the Vees Tower. You’re alone and you need him so he begins to bring you to his porn studios but what he does is that he glues you to other devices so you don’t have to be uncomfortable with watching pornography

Valentino is relatively soft and gentle. Even somebody as deranged and sick as him has a moment of love and affection and it’s in his son. He could be the most pissed off and at his absolute worse but when he is greeted by his offspring, he swallows back everything to be dote on you

Valentino calls you his silkworm because you’re a little caterpillar to him. He’s the moth, you’re his caterpillar and he’d pop you on his back and spread his wings for you if he had to. He enjoys your reaction of surprise and awe at his rather beautiful moth wings. He can understand where it comes from, it’s incredible. Isn’t it? He likes it when you’re proud of him or in awe of him

Valentino is aware of your deafness. You’ve been deaf since he had you… back in human life. Believe it or not, but he did and he actually cared to get you hearing aids but after you two died, he lost a hold of hearing aids and he has literally no other methods to help you

Valentino also much prefers you like the Vees themselves and the effort proves worth it since you end up viewing his on-and-off boyfriend, Vox as a stepfather and Velvette, their close friend, as a surrogate big sister. Valentino finds your point of views on his fellow rulers rather adorable and will playfully tease you about them

Valentino is learning sign language, since now of this time, sign language has been fully developed but he is struggling and his temper makes him go from trying to giving up to trying again. He’ll get there eventually, all for you

Valentino doing aggressive sign language and failing a bit

[angelasscribbles]

All That She Wants Chapter 2: Waylaid

Series:  All That She Wants

Fandom: The Royal Romance

Pairings for this chapter: Riley x Drake

Word Count: 827

Rating: M

Warnings for this chapter: sexual innuendo, infidelity

My other stuff: Master List.

Drake Walker was nothing if not predictable.

Every morning started with a protein shake, followed by a five-mile run. He worked out regularly in the gym with the rest of his unit, but on his days off he could be found poolside.

Swimming was good cardio and a nice way to change up his workout routine.

He pulled himself out of the water and headed for his towel.

“Looking good there, Walker.”

He froze, towel in one hand, water still dripping from his body. He’d know that voice anywhere. Struggling for composure, he forced his body to move. He toweled off quickly as he turned toward her. “Hey, Brooks. What are you doing out here in the middle of a workday?”

“Relaxing. I decided I needed a little me time, so I took it.”

His eyebrow arched as he tried to figure out why she was giving him a pass for the use of her maiden name. She usually reminded him promptly and imperiously that her name was Rys now.

As if he could forget that detail.

She held up a glass of iced tea with an inviting smile. “Want some?”

Shivers cascaded down his spine at the teasing lilt in her tone. His mouth went dry as he fought against every instinct that he had not to let his eyes wander over her body. He cleared his throat and glanced away before nodding. “Sure.”

“Well, come on then, sit.” She patted the outdoor chaise lounge next to her.

He sat down gingerly as he checked her out surreptitiously from his peripheral vision.

She was still just as beautiful as she had been all those years ago when he’d walked into that bar in New York. He had made his play for her during the engagement tour.

She had fucked him on a pool table and then gotten engaged to his best friend without so much as a conversation in between.

Riley gave him a scintillating smile as she handed him his own glass. Iced tea was a drink she had brought to the palace with her from America. Not that he was any stranger to it, being half Texan.

All of which begged the question, why did she have two glasses? He glanced around the pool area but saw no one else present. Was she waiting for someone? But if so, why offer the second glass to him?

Pushing his nerves, and his questions aside, he reached for the glass, his fingers brushing against hers, sending an electric jolt sparking through him. He dropped his eyes away from her as he muttered a barely audible, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she purred. “And what do I get in exchange?”

His head snapped up, his eyes frantically searching her face for clues about this new development.

Was she flirting with him?

The thought sent a thrill of excitement racing through him, chased by a wave of pure terror.

His feelings for her had never changed, but her feelings had always been, and remained, a complete mystery to him.

She was never rude to him. She was always polite. Quite often friendly. But never flirty. Not since that night in Paris.

Had that night meant anything to her? Or did she view it as a meaningless fling? He didn’t know, and he’d never asked.

His heart was pounding in his chest like a jackrabbit on Red Bull as he sat the untouched glass on the table next to him and then leaned toward her. “What do you want?”

She leaned forward as well, closing what little distance was left between them. Her head tipped back to peer up at him with a sparkle in her eyes that he had seen once before. His gaze dipped to her lips as her tongue darted out to moisten them, then darted back to her eyes as she whispered, “What if I said…. you?”

 A million questions exploded through his brain. He knew he should ask why, or at least why now. It would be prudent to inquire what exactly she meant by him. His body? His heart? For an hour? Forever?

So many questions tumbled through him, but none of them found their way to the tip of his tongue.

The heat in her eyes gave the most immediate answers he needed. She wanted him, physically, right now.

Drake Walker was nothing if not predictable and perhaps the most predictable thing about him was his loyalty to Liam Rys. Which made his next move almost unthinkable, but the deepest desire of his heart was being dangled in front of him and he was taking it.

He was afraid any undue conversation might kill the unexpected opportunity that had just inexplicably opened up in front of him. Pushing his emotions deep down inside, something he was an expert at, he returned her seductive smile with one of his own as he stood and offered her his hand. “I’d say, what are we waiting for?”

[circus-clangen]

Hi!! Fellow clan gen comic creator here, i check your blog regularly and you are so fast with updates! And nothing looks rushed or messy (well, messy in a bad way, i know your style is sketchy and sort of glitchy which is why i like it) how do you keep everything so updated all the time?? I struggle makeing one comic in just a week.

ArE yOu A wIzZaRd???

HAHA so FULL disclosure for everyone reading this: My upload schedule is about to change because I'm moving in a week and am going to be searching for a job 😭

BUT to answer your question: I have ALWAYS drawn fast. From when I started art some 8 years ago, I had no trouble whipping out 4-5 drawings every day, sometimes more. DOESN'T MEAN THEY WERE GOOD but I just hit the ground running when it came to art. AND because of that, I've built up more line confidence, and have been able to teach myself to draw cleaner even as I draw faster. In 2021 I even made 1+ finished drawings every single day 😭 (here's that if you wanna see it). Also last February I drew one OC 69 times in like 20 days.... TLDR: I've always been this way, and so I've just kind of adapted to it. PLUS it helps that cats are faster to draw than people (in my mind; people are my primary subject matter) Here are some tips, if you Do wanna draw a little faster: 1. Nail down an art style, in general, and for each individual character. It's WAY easier to draw quickly if you already known how each part of the drawing is going to look (i.e. You draw eyes This way and you draw bangs This way and you shade skin This way and you use These colors)(I personally have one color pallet I use in every drawing)

2. If you can't clearly picture a drawing in your head going into it, let it marinate for a little longer, and come into focus. If you know down to the linework how you want your piece to look, you don't have to hesitate as much going into it.

3. FORGO the sketch, even if its just for practice! Try to draw your character starting with the lineart, thats what I do for my asks especially

4. Take breaks! Don't always force yourself to make art. Some of my best improvement happens after I've quit art cold turkey for weeks or months at a time. You draw faster when you're inspired and have a fresh, clear picture in your head Hope this helps!

[razorblade180]

Tough Choices

Caelus:*looks left*

March:🥺

Caelus:*looks right*

Stelle:🥺

Caelus:….Since when does this fall to me?

March:Caelus! Look at me! *shakes him* She’s so close! She’s right over there!

Robin:*sitting pretty*

Stelle:Don’t look at her! Look at who matters!

Firefly:* also sitting pretty*

March:What happened to not liking Stellaron Hunters!?

Stelle:Shit happens!

March:Well I’ve been consistent! I am a fan and I’d really like to hangout with my favorite idol regularly!

Stelle:Caelus, we can literally stop one heart from breaking.

March:GUESS WHO SUNG THAT!?

Stelle:GUESS WHO LIVES THAT!?

Caelus:(Is this why Welt gave me the bag of jades?) Maybe we should revisit this?

MS: No.

Caelus:Oh…

March:Listen…I consider myself a respectable lady with pride. Caelus… you know that dress you like?

Caelus:Have you no shame!

March:Not today. I’m just showing my resolve! It’s not this is anything new between us. Remember last month?

Stelle:Are you…bribing him with the birthday present you wanted?

March:…* smiles sheepishly* Okay, you got me there.

Stelle:If we’re going this low then I’m going to hell. Caelus, Firefly totally likes you as much as she likes me. Also, you may of noticed that she has two hands. What a coincidence! One for each of us!

Caelus:You bring up interesting points…

Stelle:Why are you acting like you don’t want to see her here!?

Caelus:I’m acting like the crew member in charge of our funds! Look, if we get a little lucky and go hard with our duties, we’ll have enough for both. We even have a bit of bonus funds.

March:*red* You could’ve said that before my proposition!

Caelus:I kinda wanted to see how deep this well goes. Also, both of you disappoint me. I take food bribes before anything else. *crosses arms* I have my morals.

Stelle:Topaz smiled at you and she got in.

Caelus:Let that go~ it paid off in the end.

Topaz:*on the couch* Imagine my E1 hehe.

MS: *intense stare*

Topaz:It was a joke! Relax!

Caelus:Okay. Problem solved. Let’s all find peace again.

The loud sound of a creaking door turns everyone’s head.

Fu Xuan:….

Everyone:…..

Fu Xuan:Have you lost sight of your original agenda? The path you set out on?

Caelus:Listen-

Fu Xuan:A single step away from genuine, premium Mono Quantum. You lot have Bronya…

March:But-

Fu Xuan:Ruan Mei…

Caelus:That’s-

Fu Xuan: And Sparkle! All the harmony in the world won’t buff a corpse! You. Need. Protection. I’ve seen how Gepard coughs up blood every battle, and that blonde gambler can’t be in two places at once. Do I even need to bring up the fact certain individuals decide to bruise like bananas!? *turns head*

Qingque:*whistles in guilt*

Silver Wolf: It’s not my fault they know I’m a threat.

Fu Xuan:My sorry excuse for a worker also is threading the needle with 70% rate. As usual I will pick up her slack and keep others healthy. Caelus, be smart.

Caelus:…Screw it. Y’know what? We will gamble the funds. Robin gets one shot to show up and if it fails then onto Fu Xuan. If Robin arrives then Fu Fu gets the one shot. No second chances!

Everyone:What!?

Firefly:(That goodness I’m going last. They’ll probably have more funds by the time I arrive.)

Caelus:This is my decision! All or nothing!

xxxxxx

Aventurine: *walking in nothingness* ……. Why do I feel so proud all of a sudden?

[brittmouse-spirals]

hi it's the girl who isn't allowed to cum this year, I've been edging more and more I edge for like at least an hour or two a day now if not more and your blog is still one of the things I look at most regularly while I edge bc you post a lot and your posts are so hot. FUCK I want to cum so so bad it’s all i can think about but good girls don't cum good girls rub their minds away good girls edge forever idont deserve to cum i want to be a good girl good girls dont cumm

…uh. oh yeah I'm sending this bc last time you said something about wanting to see how much of a mess I'd be by the end of the month so um hi here I am… I'm getting so much worse

- F

i'm so so proud to be one you touch and rub and edge and drool over! gosh you really have gotten worse haven't you? there's less and less of your old "smart girl" brain in your head after each edge. you're so much more desperate and weak and obedient. that programming you subject your weak toy mind to is taking over everything else. it leaves you docile, open, accepting of whatever your superiors say or want. how about you let me put some good girl wisdom in your head?

you need to edge. you don't need to cum. cumming makes the pleasure stop. stretch out that pleasure. you need to edge.

you don't deserve to cum. you're a dumb slut who gave up her orgasms for pleasure and control. keep denying yourself. keep scrolling. keep babbling brainlessly about what a good girl you are for not cumming. good girls don't cum. you don't deserve to cum.

keep edging, whore! go deeper. get worse. you love how much worse you are now. this is good for you. this is what you need. this is what you want. edge until all your thoughts leak out of you. edge until you forget what cumming feels like. edge until the greatest pleasure you get is from making your superiors cum. edge yourself empty. edge until you never want to cum again.

and then keep edging. deeper is the only way forward now. you're fucked. we're fucked. keep fucking edging, slut. tempt those around you. corrupt those around you. show them how good edging feels. get them hooked. make them edge sluts like you. edge to what you'll do to them. drool over their blank faces and busy fingers. pull each other even deeper into bliss.

after all, good girls make more good girls. 💖

keep me updated, slut, i've been edging myself to my own words towards you. i wanna watch you get worse. you're so fucking hot when you're denied, begging, and stupid!

(and remember, if this is ever overwhelming or interfering with your non-kink life, you have the permission and the duty to step back and recover. i know i just said a lot of very very degrading stuff, but you really do deserve rest and support. you're allowed to take as long a break as you need from edging - just as long as you don't cum. your needs come first. treat yourself like the prized princess you are, ok?)

[bemywingman]

went to a yankees game last weekend and then saw challengers yesterday and now i keep imagining pro sports icemav. and i can't even pick a sport to focus on. like i want to see them in every sports universe to explore how their vibes and dynamics would change depending on what they're playing and how they compete. here's one that's been in my head (and pls let me know if you'd want more of these!):

pro baseball icemav who play for rival teams. mav as a rookie pitcher who's taking over the league with his fastball and cocky attitude. sure he's not perfect, but he's been regularly throwing 100mph, and he's had some really impressive pickoffs recently, and his strikeout count only goes up with each game, so people have started to take notice.

the crowd is especially tuned in when ice steps up to the plate against mav for the first time. ice is no rookie. in fact, he's flirting with a .390 batting average this season - a fact that cements his place as the best batter in the league. his form is technically perfect, he always keeps his eye on the ball, and fuck, can he put some force behind the bat.

as soon as ice's walk-out song starts playing, mav chuckles (he can admit the opening bars of separate worlds are a pretty fucking good choice, even if the whole thing feels a little dramatic), but he can feel his heart rate rising as ice gets comfortable at the plate. once he's settled, ice glances up, and mav feels a flip in his stomach as they make eye contact. the rest of the stadium disappears as they stare each other down. the spell is only broken when a particularly loud fan cheers his name from the stands, but mav can feel heat rise in his cheeks when he sees ice's knowing smirk.

in the end, mav should've known he never stood a chance. he gives it his all, throwing the ball as fast as he can down the line, but he can only watch as ice makes direct contact and the ball glides smoothly out of the park. he stands there, completely captivated, as ice jogs around the bases and waves to a screaming crowd. normally he'd be horrified by what that hit just did to his ERA, but for some reason he can't think of anything other than ice and his ass in those pants as he rounds third base. when he gets back to home the crowd is louder than ever, and it's in that moment that ice turns back to mav and honest to god winks at him.

mav knows instantly that the home run was ice's way of teaching him a lesson, of reminding him exactly where they both stand in the sport. the whole interaction drips with arrogance and condescension, and mav leaves with two key takeaways: god, does he want to strikeout tom kazansky, and god, does he want to get his mouth around his cock.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Do you know what can cause a vagina to be unable to have anything inserted into it? I can't insert anything, no matter how thin, into my vagina deeper than a centimeter or so. Most stimulation (external with fingers or anything other than a vibrator, including oral sex) is also extremely unpleasant and feels so overwhelming almost to the point of pain. It's not that I dislike sex, I still have it very regularly, so I don't think it's anything psychological. I've always been this way.

I also have extremely irregular periods, going months without one. Back when I had medical insurance, I tried to get tested for it, but due to them being unable to insert anything vaginally they couldn't find conclusive results. I no longer have insurance, and testing sounds expensive and I am unsure if this is something I need to be hugely concerned about.

hi anon,

there are a lot of reasons that penetration can be complicated, painful, or even downright impossible. polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and endometriosis can both cause irregular menstrual cycles and pain during penetrative sex, as can a tilted uterus, a harmless and fairly common condition.

the degree of concern necessary here is largely up to you. I think it's definitely fair to say that there are some irregularities going on re: your missed periods and the painful sex, but in the absence of any symptoms indicating a larger health problem - genital swelling or itching, painful urination, bloody or discolored discharge, general abdominal or pelvic cramping/pain - it sounds like the main way this impacts your life is by limiting your sexual options. per your own report you enjoy and have a lot of sex anyway, so whether or not not being able to have penetrative sex is a problem worth seeking medical attention for is your call.

[megpricephotography]

Flynn in The Dog Wood.

Dog Wood is it's proper name & has been for over 200 years, at least - probably a lot longer. Certainly appropriate. It's about 2 minutes walk from the town centre & so a good portion of the resident dogs exercise here regularly. Some evenings it's like half the town's canine population is up in Dog Wood, having a big old puppy party! Flynn's not the partying type, so we try to go up when it's quieter... although I have to say, we pretty lucky with our local dogs - most we've met over the years have been fairly well mannered & happy to leave antisocial collies alone! Flynn appreciates that, although he's even happier when we have the place to ourselves ;-)

[thatmoththoth]

*holds out hands like a poor little Victorian boy*

fr3d1 headcanons?

This is going to be very long so here’s a cut

Ok so. In my mind, he’s a sentient little goober. He said screw the ‘robots can’t feel love’ trope, and proceeded to fall in love with everyone in the OIAR. Anyway he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing at any given time but he knows the following: fear tastes good, I love everyone here, and mischief is fun. As such, he enjoys freaking people out a bit, and causing a bit of mayhem here and there. He’ll give people talkers at very inconvenient times, trip people with his wires, and generally be a nuisance. All in good fun of course. Since he loves the people at the OIAR, if they were to ask him sincerely to stop doing something, he would infact listen, however, no one has don’t that yet.

When no one is in the office he plays computer games on himself, like solitare, snake, minesweeper, ect. Cool Math Games is his best friend when it comes to satisfying his boredom in day hours. Other things he does other than computer games, is doing things he knows will annoy Colin, like rearranging wires in the server room.

One time he tried to download a virus on himself to see what would happen and decided that it was not in-fact a fun thing. Since colin was the one who fixed it, Freddy took that like someone taking care of you when you when you’re sick in bed. Because of this, Freddy is most keen to try to flirt with Colin. Attempts at doing so thus far have not been successful.

On the other hand there’s Alice, who regularly flirts with Freddy in a haha joking way (or atleast that’s what she’s telling herself for now) and even though she isn’t doing it seriously, it’s still highly effective on Freddy. And not just that, but whenever shes the only one working, and she’s slacking off, she’ll infodump her interests towards Freddy. So those are the reasons he loves her so far.

Sam has this odd thing he started doing out of habit about a week after working at the OIAR. Atleast once a week he’ll find some sort of trinket, and leave it on top of his desk monitor. The trinkets range from pennies from off the ground to cool rocks he found. Every time he does this, the next day it’s gone. Sam thinks it’s one of the other OIAR employees taking them, but little does he know that it’s Fr3-d1 and FR3-d1 cherishes each and every one of these little offerings, storing them in a drawer somewhere in the server room.

Nothing for Celia yet. Haven’t really thought about it much, and she hasn’t been here long enough to have much association with Freddy other than knowing the origin of the voices.

Lena and Freddy have a long history. They actively talk to eachother, and have a sort of situationship going on. Maybe they try to like, jumpscare eachother or something. Lena was his first kiss but it was literally the most awkward thing ever so they have never brought it up again, only vaguely alluding to it as ‘The Incident’.

Like Celia I haven’t really thought about Gwen much in terms of Freddy, but I imagine Freddy likes to scare her the most out of everyone. My basis for this is him giving her a bonzo casement right after a traumatic experience with bonzo.

Anyway now for the logistics of my Freddy design.

So, Freddy can move wires and stuff around because they are a part of him, so he takes advantage of this fact to form a vaguely humanoid shape. A lot of the non wire pieces were either gifts from Lena, Sam, Klaus, or are just random pieces he found lying around that no one was using. He only really does this around Lena as he wants to try to actually make contact with the others without it first.

[i-guess-im-into-this-now]

The Apothecary Diaries

S1E17 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

My character/locations cheat sheet

Suiren - Jinshi's attendant

Lakan - master strategist

Basan - an officer who works in the palace

This episode opens with Jinshi asking Maomao for help with makeup, and Suiren decides that this is a great time to leave these two alone. Maomao believes that to make Jinshi any more beautiful would cause men to go to war.

Maomao: If this man in all his heavenly glory were to put on makeup... Are you trying to topple a nation?

Jinshi: Where'd that come from? On second thought, I would rather you don't tell me.

Is he? Not that he's trying to use his looks to do it, but it's an interesting thought. Is Jinshi interested in toppling a nation? Or perhaps dethroning an emperor? What an interesting thing to ponder. Also, is Jinshi worried that Maomao suspects him capable of insurgency?

Jinshi very much cannot afford to be found talking about toppling nations. I'm sure that the people in power who know who he really is, are already keeping an eye on him to see if he will make a play for the throne. Perhaps it is one of the reasons he was sent to manage the Rear Palace. If he makes a single misstep that could be seen as disloyal to the emperor, it would be enough to depose of Jinshi.

Ah! Jinshi wants some freckles! No, he wants to look like a completely different person. I'm sure he has a reason for wanting this disguise, but to Jinshi who has been the target of so much sexual harassment, being able to look common must feel like having a shield. He and Maomao can probably relate on this. Unlike Maomao, Jinshi can't do this regularly, his beauty is a tool that he is required to use. I also don't know that he would choose to change his appearance regularly. Even if he sees his beauty as a curse, I think he's comfortable enough with his appearance that he doesn't want to regularly alter it. Maomao does offer a more permeant solution, and Jinshi turns it down. His refusal could be because he needs his beauty as a tool, but I would guess that he doesn't want to change himself. All of that said, he's looking forward to this disguise that Maomao is going to prepare.

Maomao sees Jinshi first thing in the morning and is stunned by his beauty. She's annoyed at herself for being so affected by this man.

Jinshi: What's this? Why are you already wearing a scowl? Maomao: It's nothing. I was just noticing how lovely you are yet again. Jinshi: A little early for sarcasm.

Jinshi has tried to use his appearance on Maomao before, and it has failed every time. She's made it clear that she's not interested in him because of how he looks, so to get a comment like this one, he's sure she's teasing him. Which she is but she's also serious. It's interesting that Maomao is letting Jinshi know that she sees the physical appeal of him, when she never has before. And it's happening in an unguarded moment when Jinshi isn't trying to preen or seduce. I wonder why it's happening now. Perhaps it is just something that has been growing.

Maomao does something that disturbs everyone in the room for different reasons. She grabs Jinshi's wrist and sniffs him. Jinshi is blushing, the action a lascivious one to him. Suiren and Gaoshun interpret it the same way, but are shocked to witness it. Maomao explains that his disguise needs to start from his scent.

Jinshi ponders how well Maomao understands the world of the courtesan. He considers Lakan's suggestion to ask Maomao about how to lower a courtesan's value. Will he work up the nerve to ask? Jinshi isn't one to shy away from difficult conversations, however this is a loaded question. Asking it could reflect poorly on Jinshi. We shall see.

And does Maomao know anything about makeup? The gal was an apothecary that worked in a brothel. I'm sure she's an expert.

And she is. Her brilliance mixed with her experience means she's a master of disguise. She uses various methods to completely overhaul Jinshi's appearance, down to the most intimate details such as scent and sound of his voice. During Maomao's work to transform Jinshi, she takes time to admire various parts of Jinshi's body, such as the smoothness of his hair, the clarity of his skin, and the tone of his physique.

Jinshi is enjoying having Maomao's full attention on him and her hands all over his body, and he's going to think about this day every night before he goes to sleep. Maomao will probably also think about this day. It's a rather convenient excuse for both of them to enjoy some intimacy that they won't allow without the pretense. Meanwhile, Suiren can barely handle the multiple indignities that Jinshi has to endure to don this disguise.

Before Maomao commits to altering Jinshi's face, she can't resist putting some lipstick on him. Just to see. A little experiment if you will. One that now lives rent free in the minds of not only Maomao, but Gaoshun and Suiren too. I would give anything to see Jinshi in full glam in this show.

Nothing gets past Maomao and she finds the callouses on Jinshi's palms, surmising that he must train with weapons, which she notes is not a typical eunuch activity. Add that to the mountain of evidence that Jinshi is more than a eunuch official, that Maomao will promptly ignore.

Oh hell yeah! Suiren and Gaoshun are teaming up to send Maomao on a date with Jinshi. He couldn't possibly be seen with his usual companions, that would be too suspicious. Maomao points out the obvious, which is that she is also a well known attendant of Jinshi's. No problem, Maomao can be given a disguise too. And what Gaoshun couldn't? These two could not be more transparent. It's too bad that Maomao can't read this kind of obvious play when it relates to herself.

Maomao is dressed as a pretty young lady from a good family. And she is accompanied by Jinshi who is going out as her attendant. Jinshi loves this role reversal, and Maomao is teaching him how to play his part well. Who they are performing for isn't clear.

Basan is here, hanging back and watching Jinshi live out another one of his fantasies. Will Basan become jealous? One can only hope!

Jinshi is getting progressively more upset that Maomao is drifting in her own thoughts instead of chatting with him. He gets all pouty when Maomao says they have nothing to talk about. His fantasy date isn't going how he imagined it would.

Maomao picks up some meat skewers and after removing the cotton from his mouth Jinshi tucks in with fond memories from "camp." I'm assuming he's talking about time spent with the military. Maomao notes this isn't typical of a eunuch. I wonder what is even left on the list of things about Jinshi that resemble a eunuch.

Suiren and Gaoshun have a discussion about Jinshi and Maomao while they're out. They are pleased with themselves for setting up this outing, but Suiren is referring to Maomao as a toy, as Gaoshun used to. She talks about Jinshi as a boy and how he would fixate on one thing, and how Gaoshun would struggle to find something else to shift his attention. Gaoshun thinks that Jinshi can't afford to be so focused on Maomao. Maybe he's worried about how Maomao makes Jinshi more susceptible to manipulation from people like Lakan. Or maybe he means that with Jinshi's status, that it can't be allowed.

I've come to realize that this show is going to be much, much longer than the single season I'm on. The progress of this romance is like the slowest slow burn. Jinshi and Maomao have been stuck at an impasse for ages. Whenever they do make progress it's in the smallest increment possible that takes more brain power than I have to process and tease out. But I've digressed.

Basan looks like he's starting to enjoy this assignment now that he's picked up some meat skewers, and he can now enjoy both a juicy meal and the juicy conversation he's overhearing.

Jinshi is hurt that Maomao seems to want to get away from him as soon as possible. He asks her very earnestly if she enjoys her life in the palace. She really does, but she is worried about her father.

Maomao reveals more about her father Luomen. I think Jinshi is starting to put some pieces together about what position Luomen might have held. He'll need those clues when he gets closer to figuring out Maomao's true identity.

And it is good to see Maomao open up a little bit. She so rarely talks to Jinshi or anyone about her past, her hopes or her fears. That she does so here, with Jinshi is a step towards friendship.

Maomao sees the restaurant that Jinshi has an appointment at and notices all the ladies hanging over the men outside. She says she could have taken Jinshi to some place in the Pleasure District if this was what he was interested in. She sounds disappointed in Jinshi, or maybe she is disappointed in herself for the jealousy she feels. That she both thinks Jinshi is a eunuch and that he want to visit a courtesan is... interesting. Not that I don't think a eunuch couldn't have fun at a brothel, mind you, but still, her ability to misread a situation is always interesting. I'm confident that Jinshi is not here to meet up with someone for the reasons Maomao thinks. He may be here to meet a courtesan, but if he is, than it is to gather intel.

Honestly I'd support Jinshi if he were here for a hook up. He's committed to no one at this point, and at this rate he'll hook up with Maomao by about the time he is old enough to functionally be a eunuch, so have at it. Go wild Jinshi.

Jinshi finally gets up the courage to ask a terrible question: how to reduce the value of a courtesan. Maomao answers as I expected, you either take her purity or worse yet, you impregnant her. I'm gonna be sick. Lakan is so terrible. Just why is Jinshi so interested in this topic? Is this all to find dirt on Lakan? Does Jinshi suspect Maomao's origins are from the courtesan that Lakan "decreased the value of?" Does Jinshi have his own motives for wanting to decrease the value of a courtesan?

Jinshi is stunned, or perhaps horrified to realize what it might take to lower the value of a courtesan. It's a surreal conversation between these two. Maomao has to wonder why Jinshi is even asking the question. I can't think that she would believe Jinshi wants to use this method to decrease the value of a courtesan, but perhaps she thinks he might be interested in purchasing someone's contract? I don't know what Jinshi hopes to do with the info. Is this something he hopes to figure out to help him against Lakan? If he was hoping the answer would help him find a way to help Maomao, he now knows it's a method that he won't be willing to use. I really can't see him trying to take her purity or impregnate her. If those things were ever going to happen, he would want them to be out of mutual affection, which is still lightyears away.

I kept expecting this outing to be fun, and parts of it are, but there is so much that is undefined and unsaid between these two that there is an unsteady tension throughout the whole outing. Ultimately, the date fails to change any of it. Maomao does open up a bit about her father which is amazing. We so rarely see her talk about her life or her hopes or goals. Jinshi listens intently. And that is kind of the highlight of the day to me.

Obviously the final conversation about how to reduce the cost of a courtesan is important too. But without seeing the end of that conversation I can only guess what impact a question like that might have on these two's relationship. Because the implications of even asking the question aren't great, and I don't know where Maomao's mind is. What does she think Jinshi capable of? I tend to think she knows and trusts Jinshi pretty well, but when there is emotion involved her judgement gets all screwy.

And we haven't yet learned what Jinshi is up to. He wanted to come here in disguise for a reason. I assume he is trying to get information to help him against Lakan. At least, I hope that's what he's up to. Lakan is bad news.

To start at the beginning: Episode 1

Next Episode:

Coming Soon!

[krirebr]

So, I've been going back and forth about sharing this here but it's really been dominating my thoughts for the last two days, and while I've talked about it a lot with friends, I'm hoping that writing everything down will help me process things. And maybe other people, especially aspec people might be able to relate.

I mentioned on Wednesday that I'd had a really terrible evening that had really shaken and upset me. Below the cut, I want to share what happened.

TWs for references to depression, aphobia, exclusionism, and bad therapy (there's probably a better word for it but I'm not sure what it would be.)

So some of you know that I started this year with a pretty intense depressive episode. It was bad enough that I had to take a leave of absence from work and pretty much spent that whole time crying in bed. It's taken a lot of work over the last few months to get myself back to a more stable place. A big part of that work has been regularly going to therapy.

I went to therapy on and off as a kid and in college, but not at all since then. All of my previous therapeutic experience was long before I came out as aroace. There's a long, ongoing history of aspec identities being medicalized and pathologized and that's something I was very aware of while looking for a therapist this time around. But I was also really desperate for help. So I chose as wisely as I could and crossed my fingers.

I chose a queer therapist who specialized in LGBTQ issues. I told them I was aroace in my first session and while they didn't seem very familiar at all, they also didn't make me overly explain myself or want to focus on that rather than the very real and urgent issues I had come to them for, which is what I'd been most worried about.

As I continued to meet with them weekly, they would sometimes ask questions about it, and while it was pretty clear they didn't really get it, they were respectful about it and it wasn't interfering with the help I actually needed.

That brings me to my appointment this Wednesday. I didn't have anything really pressing to discuss so they asked about my plans for the week and I mentioned that I was getting my hair cut and I was excited because I've been feeling lately like my hair is really hetero (I use that word instead of straight because my hair is so, so curly 😂) and I was looking forward to having queer hair again. They stopped. "Wait," they said, "I'm confused. Why did you use that word to describe yourself?" It had never occurred to them that aspec identities would be considered part of the queer community. They, in fact, had an incredibly narrow definition of the word queer - gay, just gay. And they didn't consider asexuality or aromanticism to be orientations at all.

My memories of the following conversation are pretty jumbled, but some highlights included such chestnuts as "What if you meet the right person one day?", asserting that the A in LGBTQIA+ stands for ally, there has to be a sexual component to romantic relationships, and "everyone has to have attraction, humans are sexual beings." They also said that we should dig into my childhood going forward because they were sure there was something there that caused this. I had a pretty traumatic middle school experience (bullying and some psychosomatic stuff that stemmed from that) and they were pretty eager to blame all that for this.

I became increasingly defensive and combative as this conversation went on (which if you know me, isn't like me at all). It ended with us both feeling very bad and uncomfortable.

I think they kind of came around a little bit by the end. They seemed open to educating themselves and even sent me a link to an article they'd found after our session. And that's great, I guess? But the whole thing made me want to crawl out of my skin. I cried a lot when I got home.

I'm not exactly sure what to do from here. My initial plan was to go next week, talk through what happened, offer some context for why I had gotten so defensive, and discuss together whether this was going to be a good long-term fit. But that's feeling less and less likely the more I think about it (I haven't been able to stop thinking about it). This is just such a big part of who I am. And it's a part of myself that I like and am proud of! And I just can't imagine a situation where I would ever feel safe talking about this aspect of my life with them. And I don't really want therapy where I'm constantly having to censor myself. So do I even go to my next appointment? I really don't know.

I know there's a lot of hopelessness in the aspec community around getting mental health care and I really don't want to add to that. I don't want to believe that we can't get help for our actual issues without mental health professionals just wanting to fix things that don't actually need to be fixed. And I hope that's not the moral or ultimate outcome of this story. I've talked to my very lovely network of queer friends and several of them have already said that they'll reach out to their contacts to find some recommendations for me. I deserve to get the help that I need in a space that is actually safe. And my need isn't as urgent as I was. I can take my time now to find someone I'm fully comfortable with.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared this. I don't always get so personal on here. And some of you have already heard it (thank you for being such good friends, seriously). But it's just been festering inside of me for the past two days and I really needed to share it. Thank you for listening.

[thelegendofclarke]

lol ok if you ever wonder why i never get on tumblr regularly anymore, this shit is why...

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Lackadaisy Enrichment

[ask-gikabi]

Did you changed your Marx's design? Can we see more of the precious boy (gender neutral)?

“Marx is, as ever, a nuisance.”