#like imaginary friend: extreme mode

[zipzaptoastainthebath]

So had a really fucking bad panic attack today (doing better now! 👌)

I very much know it wasn’t real or anything, all in my head- whatever. However, imagining comfort characters around me (I’ve always had a ‘very strong/vibrant imagination’ or whatever) was so so helpful. I somehow ended up with two characters each from a few fandoms.

Patton and Virgil (Sanders sides); Luz and Hunter (The Owl House); Will and Mike (Stranger things)

And it was so…idk it was kind of nice, stupid fictional people in my head making me feel loved for once in my life. Situation ended up like this:

I was curled up in a ball hiding in a small corner of my backyard, hyperventilating and sobbing. Some part of my brain was then thinking abt comfort characters for who fucking knows what reason. Next thing I know I have my eyes closed and I’m desperately imagining them there with me. So I sat there, Patton and Virge talking me through breathing (thank you, Patton’s kind words and fatherly-ness) + calming down. Luz and Hunter sitting nearby for moral support. Will’s just pure empathy, also crying a bit (the whole situation, which I would not like to get into, reminding him of growing up with Lonnie) Mike’s sitting next to me, one hand on my shoulder and the other in Will’s own hand. (God this whole thing sounds so weird looking back at it maladaptive daydreaming or whatever the fuck is so fucking weird)

Anyways, I ended up calming down (after 1.5 hours and it getting dark out) and this sounds literally fucking insane. Idk. Something’s probably severely fucked in that noodle up there but hey, at least it helped. :/

[yoihino]

Inspired by @noodles-and-tea Gravity Falls x Phineas & Ferb crossover, an extremely cursed AU where Bill goes to Dr. Doofenshmirtz for the portal instead of Ford. (More under the cut because this got long).

This involves Stanley and Ford having more or less made up somewhere in the last 30 years after the reunion which didn't end in their separation (because there was no portal) and Phineas and Ferb and possibily the whole gang going for a week stay at Gravity Falls while the Pine twins are also there (going through the show, except the author is there and both grunkles are more willing to help them learn about the supernatural).

I don't know how Phineas and Ferb would get in contact with Bill. Presumably he isn't confined because he never contacted Ford, so maybe he would just visit them in a dream (most likely Phineas, because Ferb is much less impulsive and so probably wouldn't initiate the building of a portal incited by a possibly imaginary possibly malignant entity). The other possibility is to make this a fusion with the Phineas and Ferb: Across the second dimension, except in Gravity Falls because Dr. Doofenshmirtz concludes the only place with enough weirdness/magic to fuel the portal is there. This would then mean that Bill conctacts Dr. Doofenshmirtz, incites him to build a portal making him believe it would accomplish what it does in the movie, and instead when fixed by the brother's creates the rift. This then could lead to all kind of fun things such as extra bonding time between the brothers and the twins, perfect for angst for when Bill inevitably tricks someone into giving him the rift.

Other fun ideas I had while writing this:

Perry and Waddles befriend each other. This involves both pet shenanigans with the twins and the brothers and Waddles following Perry and finding out about his secret agent job, most likely joining in. I think it would be very funny if Mabel saw them but just went along with it as a game. Otherwise you could follow the Phineas & Ferb movie plotline and make it really angsty for everyone, your choice

Perry is here on a mision to stop Dr. Doofenshmirtz from building the portal, and is probably why the brothers got to go on a vacation to gravity Falls in the first place. Bill obviously is just using Dr. Doofenshmirtz, so when this is revealed Doofenshmirtz will align with our heros, if only to spite the evil triangle. Also the portal is now called portalinator and it still has a big red button to stop it but it also blows up and dissapears as is normal in the Phineas & Ferb world

Stan and Ford befriending Phineas and Ferbs mom and dad (I don't remember their names :( ). I think Stan would appreciate the mom's no nonsense but still willing to have fun attitude, and Ford would like the dad's more reserved but still nerdy disposition.

Mable and Ferb sharing dating advice. That's it

In addition to the brother's parent never finding out about their inventions, they also now can never seem to see anything of the supernatural stuff going on. Candace would think she has gone crazy if it weren't for Soos and Wendy

Weirdmaggedon is more or less the same but we get to see Candace taking on the responsability to help/save her brother's and their friends (the movie's character arc, basically), the parents possibily mantaining their chill attitude while going full on apocalypse survivalist mode, and the final battle mecha being even better because now they have the brothers and Doofenshmirtz also working on it.

Possibly mixing and doing something with the fact that both the Phineas & Ferb movie and the Gravity Falls finale have an 'erasing the memories of a loved one' plotline

After the finale they stay friends through the year through letters and make plans to meet up again next summer

[seeminglyseph]

I know everyone hates M Knight Shyamalan's The Village, and "oooh it's modern day all along" seems like a lame twist, but consider:

A) wool cloaks fuck and that's always a cool look and I won't apologize for the fact that I definitely just wanted to wear cloaks instead of coats even though I live somewhere that experiences winters in Hardcore Mode and that was not viable

And B) the concept that your parents decided for you that you had to live in a dangerous and reductive environment and raised you on fear and punishment and secrecy because they hated the way society was developing and didn't want you to have access or choice was like. Extremely real fore as someone raised Catholic with multiple friends raised either Jehovah's Witness or Mormon. Like, obviously, it was extremely exaggerated as a 2000s horror-thriller type movie, but like.

It's no Lady in the Water. I honestly haven't seen The Village in a bit, but in concept, I think it does make sense as a cult movie. It's just that too much is like... "oooo it's a twist!" Rather than, like... "damn, the adults of this movie have a cult compound that they have used to isolate, indoctrinate, and control their children, literally creating and becoming monsters that haunt and torment them to keep them in line to maintain a way of life in line with their own moral values"

And like. If you look at it through the lens of like. The emotional impact of how much betrayal goes on within the film in the families and the cult and for the children who had no choice to be there and no information, like. That's much more impactful than simply "it was modern day all along"

It's "your parents have been lying to you all along, and all of your pain and fear has served no greater purpose. Half of these rules were not to keep you safe. They were to make you obey, and you have no way of knowing which are which. The people you trust have deeply and intentionally fractured your relationship with reality as a way to keep you contained and docile and under control. You have been betrayed on the most fundamental level by the people who were supposed to raise you and guard you and keep you safe."

And that's like. That's good horror that sticks in the back of your brain forever? Idk. Maybe my imaginary Village is better than the real Village but like. I think it's a better movie than it gets credit for.

And I want more excuses to wear wool cloaks, like damn.

[aristocrating]

My (maybe not so) hot take: Jack and Parse never actually loved each other in a serious way. Ngozi once said in a live stream that Jack had never been in love before bitty, and while I think he and Kent loved each other in the puppy-love-between-two-close-friends way, I don’t think had they actually had a chance, it would have been a long term thing. Jack’s hockey robot mode would have made him emotionally unavailable for half the year unless Kent could get him to talk about his feelings, and while we don’t know much about Kent, he also seems to let his feelings bottle up too (ref: the year two fight when he told Jack he is worthless when Jack refuses to hear about the Aces offer).

I think you get at something very interesting here, because I think it's the "easy" route to assume that Jack and Kent would've been together if not for that pesky little incident that drove them apart and made them stop talking to each other. But that's not what's happening here, is it?

Ultimately, we can't actually know how well they would've worked because we have to reconstruct their past from scraps and pieces and then it's still filtered through Bitty's lens, who gets deeply protective of Jack and that influences how he sees Kent.

But when we put what we know together, I think you are right.

Jack was struggling with anxiety and substance abuse

Kent was driven to succeed at any cost to the point where he was likely unaware of the extent of what Jack was going through (and also he was 17 so it's no surprise he didn't catch on)

They hooked up and had, like you said, that young puppy-dog love for each other that never had the space to blossom into anything real

And like, that's the tragedy of it, isn't it? Jack and Kent were never about what was, but always about the what could've been. That imaginary future where they both play in the NHL and could maybe secretly be in love. That never happened. And it will never happen. It's over. That future is gone.

And that's what makes me so obsessed with these two and their dynamic. They're not linked together because they're soulmates that are perfect for each other, they're linked together because they both experienced extreme pressure and a traumatizing event when they were both teenagers, and neither emotionally equipped to handle it. And the Kent we see during Check Please seems convinced that he needs Jack to process this trauma, while Jack seems convinced that he needs to remove Kent from his life in order to process his trauma. They're both lost, and neither of them has the answer.

So yeah, I think you're right, I don't think Jack and Kent ever really had a chance. And I think that's exactly the reason so many people are obsessed with them lol

Love this take, lots to think about! I'll give it 7/10 doomed teenage hockey romances

🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒🏒

[hexagr]

Notes on Narcissism

I’ve been reading Freud and Lacan’s theories on narcissism. But I also stumbled over some writings by Sandy Hotchkiss, whose position is that narcissism is a “personality flaw,” rather than a sexual perversion. I appreciate this framing, as it is a more modern and cognitive description.

She claims, rather precisely, that narcissists exhibit seven co-morbid qualities: shamelessness, magical thinking, arrogance, envy, entitlement, exploitation, and bad boundaries; each problem feeding the next.

The narcissist’s avoidance of reality and refusal to feel shame requires magical thinking. Thus, their distorted perception of the world shields them from reality, while arrogance generates envy. The narcissist has a stunted childlike psyche.

She goes on to claim that the true victims are the family, friends, and co-workers of the narcissist. But this is where I disagree with her. I think this is only partially true. The engine of narcissism makes much more sense if you invert this relationship. Rather, it is precisely the family, friends, and coworkers of narcissists that help enable the narcissist.

The family, friends, and coworkers can never tell the narcissist how childlike, naive, or infantile they may be. They may not know. The ordinary person is not thinking like an analyst. And narcissists themselves may even deliberately surround themselves with only extremely similar people, because while they may even be of adult age, they largely retain a childlike mindset and see only themselves in the world. Even in romantic situations. They might feel safest being in love with someone who is exactly like they are. There is a struggle to appreciate difference.

So any peers of the narcissist who are different must dance around them, so as to not cause disturbance. Peers may even feel obligated to show kindness, but not a sincere kindness. A sort of kindness so as to not disturb the narcissist’s fragile reality.

But this is a perverted kindness, intended to foster stagnation, rather than promote intellectual progress—inevitably dooming the subject to stay in a sort of dangerous comfort.

It's similar to what Lacan called jouissance—or a space of surplus enjoyment. And we should ask: how does this affect individual development and societies?

In this way, as Lacan described very well in his research, there is a very narcissistic dimension to love. Especially when we are driven by our unconscious—avoiding any discomfort, attempting to fill a void, and/or not allowing ourselves time to introspect about the ordeal. But there are tradeoffs. When we avoid or run from that which initially appears horrifying—we often in turn get trapped by the Symbolic representation of desire which exists in our mind—which is to say, in that mode of thinking, both our model of nature and desire itself lack conscious awareness and intellectual understanding. So it follows that sometimes when endeavoring to love, we might instead fall prey to emotion and shortsightedness, and instead deliver ourselves into folly and false comfort.

For Lacan, love is largely an imaginary phenomenon, although it has effects in the symbolic order. Love is autoerotic, and has a fundamentally narcissistic structure since "it's one's own ego that one loves in love, one's own ego made real on the imaginary level."

And to make matters worse, as researcher Sam Vaknin points out, those afflicted by narcicissm tend to take mental snapshots of others and then interact with the symbolic representation instead of the person, which makes devaluation inevitable because a mental snapshot is static, while human beings are dynamic.

Narcissism, in my opinion, can be observed in close relation to Freud’s pleasure-principle. Those who are unable to defer gratification—being primarily driven by blind desire for familiar pain or pleasure and thus falling prey to repetition compulsion—are often the same who develop variations of this sort of neurosis.

[sumechiayuu]

I'm now ready to talk about how awful the episode I Only Have Surprise for You in Foster’s is.

[[MORE]]

Disclaimer: These are just my opinions, NOT facts. Respect my opinion and I will respect yours. And I love this show with all my heart, it’s one of my favorites. But even the best cartoons have their sour moments. Let’s begin, shall we?

The only episode I hate the most, and I mean THE MOST so far in Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, is I Only Have Surprise for You in Season 4 Episode 5.

I’m just going to get this horrendous episode over with. Because this episode-goodness gracious-is downright AWFUL. Literally unbearable. Before I scream and rant, let’s talk about the plot.

So the beginning of the episode is Mac going to the house. He sees Bloo acting weird and suspicious and realizes that today Bloo has a surprise party ready for Mac. Mac hates this because on these days, the parties Bloo makes always humiliate him, as seen in these three clips. First, I’m gonna point out a few things wrong I see with these scenes already.

First clip: To start, why would ANY normal kid-especially 8-year olds-laugh and giggle in delight seeing their classmate naked? In real life, most kids in elementary school would be covering their eyes and going “Ewww” at the mere sight of nudity. It's just a strange scene in general. What's so funny about an eight-year-old boy being naked with his ass out? I will never know.

Second clip: This is an issue with the third clip too, but I would like to point it out here early on. So in this clip, alongside Bloo and the group of kids, you see Terrence AND the mom ganging up on Mac.

The problem with Terrence being included in this scene is that it weirdly implies that he WORKED TOGETHER with BLOOREGARD Q KAZOO out of all people to help humiliate his brother. If anything, Terrence would just beat up and humiliate both boys, as he beats them up in the PILOT EPISODE OF THIS SHOW.

Now the problem with his Mom helping out with the prank is that his mom is a no-nonsense kind of woman who doesn’t deal with childish things like the pranks Bloo did on Mac. Why in the world would she help Bloo out with such stupid pranks? Especially a prank where it involves MAKING A THIRD-GRADER’S MOUTH BURN WITH HOT SAUCE DISGUISED AS KETCHUP? Mac’s mom may have done stupid things like making a young child give up his imaginary friend, but she's not dumb enough to purposefully harm her kid. She still clearly cares about her two sons.

Third clip: I don’t have a lot to say except that Mac could've avoided being humiliated in a way. He could've either wrapped the ballet dress around his waist instead of wearing it, or he could’ve used the shower curtain as a towel.

After that little montage, we see Mac getting increasingly more and more nervous about his party before he goes Rambo mode after eavesdropping on the gang planning a party and decides to destroy and ruin the party in the only funny parts of this episode.

But then he finds out that the party was actually for Artie, a toddler that Goo “created”. Feeling bad after everyone chews him out for ruining a toddler’s 4th birthday party, Mac decides to make it up to him by fixing up the party. During this, I’d like to point out one funny scene that made me laugh a bit before I head on to the worst parts of the episode.

While planning the party, Bloo says that Artie likes clowns. Since it’s Mac’s “fault” he ruined the party, he has to dress as one to cheer up Artie.

Now we get to the most frustrating part of the episode; the ending. While Mac entertains the toddler, it’s all revealed that the party was a prank after all. And then Bloo makes the most punchable face imaginable as he rubs it in his face that his best friend-his CREATOR-is an idiot and that Bloo will always be one step ahead.

Incoming warning for an anger-induced rant here now. Viewer discretion advised, hehe.

First of all, let’s talk about the extreme out-of-character moments in this episode. Why would WILT-a character who gets so guilty about just LYING FOR A DAY in one episode, FRANKIE-a character who literally can’t stand Bloo and his annoying antics, and MR. HERRIMAN-a character who is strict and has a no-nonsense attitude, decides to participate in this mean-spirited prank?

Second of all, what did Mac do to make Bloo so spiteful to even think of doing a prank like that? Bloo may be a bratty jerk, but he still cares about his best friend. In The Bloo Superdude and the Great Creator of Everything's Awesome Ceremony of Fun That He's Not Invited To, even in a sick and delirious state he still tries to see his best friend have his birthday party. In the same episode, in Bloo’s fantasy Mac is a SUPREME OVERLORD in his eyes, showing that he respects his friend even though he doesn't outright show it. In Bye Bye Nerdy, though he was a little bit mean, despite eventually failing he does try to help Mac gain human friends, before the events of Go Goo Go. Bloo may be a brat, but he still cares about his friend.

So who’s idea was it to make Bloo THAT insufferable? The fact that there’s no real reason for Bloo to even prank Mac is a big problem with this episode. Onto the third thing!

And finally, the biggest problem is that there’s no established reason, not even a HALF-ASSED one mind you, that Mac deserves to be humiliated TWICE in one day. There’s no real reason behind it, and it’s frustrating.

See the episode Pranks for Nothing in Season 6. The reason why Bloo got pranked by his friends multiple times is because Bloo was misbehaving and acting out in the hotel room. He was ordering stuff messing around and doing things Mr. Herriman specifically told everyone not to do while they were there. He got his just desserts, AND he got punished for a reason that makes sense.

Like, there’s nothing Mac does to deserve the treatment he gets in this episode. Even in episodes where he acts out and goes wild, like Squeeze the Day and Crime After Crime, his evil crimes are…jumping on the bed and his version of a prank call is saying “this is a joke”. In this show, there’s nothing Mac during and prior the episode to even deserve the shame and humiliation he gets (I’ll give you a cookie if you understand that reference). The worst thing he did was ruining the party, and even then he had a reasonable justification to doing so (he thought he was going to be HUMILIATED BY HIS ONLY FRIENDS! How could that not be reasonable?)

In conclusion, THAT’S why I cannot stand this horrendous episode. It’s the only horrendously bad episode that makes my blood boil. EVEN THE BENDY AND GOOFBALL EPISODE HAD ME LESS ANGRY. That really makes you think.

And while I do recommend this awesome show, please, I beg you, just. Skip this episode. It’s not worth watching and it’s not worth your time. Don’t be like me when I was nine.

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High: The Seven Ep 5

Through a Glass, Darkly

Welcome back to the Temple of the Earth Defiant where the girls and their magical horses (and one pony!) have found refuge from the strange, twisted, fae creatures that have been chasing them. The statue of Asha Hammerheart that Ost animated last episode is still alive and wrecking house on the remaining harpies and beasts that are foolish enough to keep fighting and the rest soon get the hint and flee. 

Ost does some healing (boosted by the ambient Hallow effect of the temple which gives everyone a short rest) and then, seeing the damage to the temple caused by erosion, starts using Mending to fix things up. Her friends help out too with Sam and Yelle being most effective--Sam by repairing water damage and Yelle by creating tree cover and other druid-y tricks. But of course, we can’t overlook Katja’s crucial addition of carving “A Horse is a Home” into one of the walls of this sacred temple. 

Anyway, the girls are nesting super hard, the horses are having their scrapbooking reviewing club (an insane thing that was established last episode) and then Sam asks a question. Did y’all mention something about a photo of me going viral? Everyone’s like yeah, but don’t worry, you looked super hot. That’s not the part Sam was worried about. What she’s worried about and what all the girls except Zelda don’t really seem to know is that Sam doesn’t really have a social media presence. So like, 180k and climbing views (as decided by a dice roll) isn’t really what she wants. She scrolls through the comments really quick and sees that they’re not awful but one person is like, “Hey that girl looks a lot like that character from that old show”. Which Sam doesn’t love. She says that she’s fine but also that, even without an Insight check, she’s obviously not. 

Sam kind of looks to Zelda to bail her out and Zelda is like, “Hey, I’m gonna delete this video.” The other girls follow suit, even though they don’t quite know what’s happening. When they have to split up to investigate, Sam has Zelda kind of bail her out again and they split up to go check a nest outside--Zelda waving off Danielle when she wants to go with. Ant and Yelle decide to check out a cache of some treasure they saw earlier and Ost and Katja stay with the horses to keep fixing the temple up. Penny initially goes with Ant and Yelle but rushes back to be with Ost and Kat when Ost discovers a hidden lock while she’s fixing a wall.

So, the girls are split up, let’s run all these scenes.

Antiope and Yelle

Ant and Yelle go see the pile of treasure (near the statue of dwarven paladin Yvonna) which they learn is like a “take a penny leave a penny” situation for weapons and items. They were left by adventures who were similarly chased here and you can take what you need as long as you leave something to help others. Like, “Oh no I only have an ice sword and I need flaming arrows.” It doesn’t have to be equivalent exchange, you just need to leave something useful.

In this space, Yelle feels a weird melancholy and like they’re within the watch of something vast and powerful. She tries to check for TK’s presence but rolls low. Antiope leaves her Kalvaxus killing shortsword and takes some really nice, white feather fledged arrows with mirror tips and an ax Kat wants as a present for her dad. Danielle takes a bandolier of potions (3 healing and 2 mystery I believe) and leaves a bunch of mushrooms. Some of them are psychedelic and Ant takes one because this is probably a good time to be high, right?

It’s not messing with her competence obviously though because she rolls a 25 on Primeval Awareness and gets a weird sense, like something is closing in on this place. And like something very powerful is bleeding, which combined with the chaos of the mountains might explain the weird harpies and the cat/dogs. But she’s high so she explains this is a very spacey, stoner way. Probably a good thing she’s with Yelle.

Sam and Zelda

Sam can fly and Zelda can basically walk vertically with her goat legs so they check out the nest. Well, ostensibly that’s what they’re doing. Really they’re just having a heart to heart. Sam thanks Zelda for saving her ass and apologizes profusely for being so short with her. Zelda gives her a huge mid-air hug and says it’s not a big deal because she knows Sam is just lashing out because she’s hurting but Sam says it’s not a good enough excuse and she’s truly sorry. It’s been her coping mechanism for so long but she doesn’t want to be that way. She tells Zelda that the Everpetals are divorcing and that she’s living alone and Zelda says that any one of the girls would be happy to have her stay with them. Sam further explains that this is a big part of the reason she’s been so broken up about the possibility of their group splitting up and Zelda immediately takes out her crystal and texts her “I’m in” in the thread, breaking Sam again. 

Since they’re in heart to heart mode, Sam tells her that she talked to her bio-mom and an agent and she’s not sure what to do. Zelda says that she’s gonna be spectacular no matter what she does and she doesn’t have to do any of them but it’s cool doors are opening for her but also Antiope and Penny are gonna be PISSED that she’s out here making side plans after she gave them so much shit for theirs. Lol, well it’s a nice moment in the meantime and we cut to…

Penny, Ost, and Katja 

While Penny is lockpicking (and also trying to teach one of the horses to lockpick because sure) Katja and Ost go talk to the statue of Asha Hammerheart. It seems to be animated with at least some level of her true consciousness from beyond the grave and that she can kind of woge into her statue when she wants, which is cool. She’s been there for like 250 years so that’s a lot of history to see. 

Ost is maybe the most polite we’ve ever seen her talking to Asha (at least to begin with lol) and they ask her about TK. Asha says she saw TK show up 12 years ago but she never left, at least not through the front door. And then about 2 years ago (right around when they were in the crystals) that’s when the harpy queen showed up. At first they were normal and then they started mutating. Also, recently, Korra (one of the other statues/heroes) saw a woman in the mountains--not TK. 

Ost then takes a page from the book of one St. Kristen Applebees and asks, “Hey. What’s the deal with our god? He never talks to us, does he just suck?” Asha--who has never talked to him even though she’s a martyred hero and literally in dwarf heaven makes some excuses for the guy but Katja scoffs at them. “If people wanna take care of you, they do.” Ost then straight up asks if Logran Soulforger is even real which sets Asha off but Ost isn’t mad AT her, she’s mad FOR her. You go and do all this cool shit to the point where you have this cool ass statue, you fully DIE for him and he doesn’t even say hi? With a 21 Persuasion check, Asha admits that yeah, she would have liked some recognition. She decides she’s gonna go do some talking to some people and leaves after getting Ost’s number but before they can ask more about the woman Korra saw (who they think is Charity). 

OK, that’s all the small group stuff! Everyone comes back as Penny finishes up with the lock and they go down into this room that’s full of polished, precious stones. This is probably where people who were upkeeping the temple stayed. While everyone else is going down, Sam feels some powerful magical pull--much like her episode 1 Lightning Lure--calling her from the top of the stairs so she goes back up. We’ll get back to her in a bit. 

Penny rolls a high check to clock what’s going on down here. First off, she finds flintlock bullets and airship uniform scraps which makes it seem like there was a battle here involving some airship guys from the Baronies. Which is not just the place of origin of Riz’s imaginary Romance Partner. It’s a cluster of nations known for high rates of monarchical turnover and renaissance style intrigue. I’m picturing just a nation of [REDACTED]s from Crown of Candy. 

With all of this stuff, Penny finds an emblem of a billionaire airship mogul named Lord Talcidimir Tallbreeze who is a friend of her dad’s. Yelle is immediately like FUCK billionaires which isn’t plot relevant but it’s nice to know she’s always on brand. 

Oh also, Penny just casually finds the Legendarium so that’s neat. 

To be safe, Ost casts Protection from Energy on Ant (who is the one who knows how to use it) and brings out her Spirit Guardian (who is a combo of her mom, nona, and Asha, with her dad’s rings). Ant checks it out and sees that there are currently no A, B, or C quests in all of Spyre. While Penny cross references the bylaws to see if there’s a way to get around this, Yelle does some druid BS that I still do not understand to use the crystals in the cave to jailbreak this super powerful magical Artifact so they can just have copies on their crystals. While that’s happening, let’s check on Sam. 

Sam goes back up the staircase where she sees Ending who doesn’t look menacing at all, just extremely sad. She’s looking out the mouth of the cave and, when she turns, Sam can see she’s crying blood. 

“What’s wrong?” asks Sam, the acid-tongued but good-hearted. “Can I help you?”

With a 25 Persuasion check to get her to talk, Ending apologizes for scaring her and her friends before. She didn’t mean to. She sometimes forgets that her very nature can be frightening and dangerous to others. She says that when she escaped, she tried to rejoin her sisters but found their mirrors shattered and them gone. Sam thought they escaped but that doesn’t make sense to Ending. If they had, why wouldn’t they have freed her as well?

Sam asks who her sisters were and we finally get true names for Ending and her sisters:

Chrona, Terra, Pyrria, Nira, Zefira, Anima, and herself, Talura (which is what I’ll be calling her now that we know). Talura is the baby, the youngest. Sam realizes she’s talking about the Eidolons and Talura seems surprised and a bit pleased that Sam recognizes them. 

Sam asks if she can hug her and Talura hugs her tightly in a very cold embrace that doesn’t hurt. Downstairs, she hears her friends (Penny specifically) freaking about about the lack of quests but she doesn’t break the hug. 

“My own sisters are struggling right now but I’m gonna stay with you because you don’t know where yours are. But maybe we can find them.”

Talura clocks that the way that Sam is being is her true nature, not the bitchiness she often uses as a shield. Then she starts to talk about her history. That she and her sisters were sealed away when the gods were done with them (Sam can relate to being used and set aside) and the only way out was death. Talura has been crying and looking for her sisters to no avail. Her tears of blood leaking seems to be what caused the monsters to mutate which is in line with what Yelle and Ant were sensing. 

Talura doesn’t think anything could have destroyed her sisters so she’s very confused. Sam offers Talura her Mirror of the Past because it almost knocked out Sam to get god-tier information but Talura presumably won’t have that problem. Talura offers her a boon in exchange for this great kindness but Sam says she doesn’t need any quid pro quo. “This is just because you’re hurting.”

Talura is supremely touched and still wants to do something for her new...friend? Sam accepts the title and says that what she needs is some help on her GED quest. Once she explains what she means, Talura again recognizes Aguefort and is like, Oh, you need a quest? I can totally help with that! As we learned earlier, these guys are kinda genie connected so it’s not super surprising when Talura very happily goes full your wish is my command.

Downstairs, a Class A quest suddenly appears in Spyre on the screen. 

Back upstairs, Talura says that it’s been too long since she got to grant a wish and seems really happy about it. Sam gives her the mirror so she can check what happened to her sisters but when she does, she totally flips out and gets super angry--not at Sam, just at whatever she’s looking at. She can hardly believe it. Sam tries to figure out what’s wrong but she just gets super big and then disappears into a puff of smoke, leaving Sam's mirror on the ground, covered in frost. 

Downstairs, the Class A quest expands across the entire globe and then the Legendarium cracks. Ost’s spirit guardian disappears because of alarm bells ringing in the afterlife. And the girls learn that a Class A quest is a quest that affects the whole MULTIVERSE. Yikes!

So anyway, they girls go upstairs to check on Sam (on a bear that Penny makes because sure) and they see that something clearly just happened with Sam. Yelle asks if she’s good and Sam is like yeahhhh I don’t think ANYONE is good right now. Sam seems like she’s about to cry and Antiope instantly forgets all the petty bullshit going on between them and rushes to make sure she’s not hurt. 

Sam gives the girls a rundown of what happened and Yelle concretely puts together what I said earlier about Talura’s tears messing with nature. 

Sam wants to check her mirror to see what Talura saw and Brennan says she can do it the safe way with risk of failure of the surefire way with risk of personal harm. She, of course, picks door 2 and rolls a 13 on her con save which means she rises into the air like Storm from X-Men, eyes wide, and then instantly passes out and goes into shock. Antiope is there to catch her as she does. 

Also, she looks SUPER hot while falling on a 31. Honestly, it’s a shame she doesn’t allow herself a social media presence. 

Anyway, we’ll get to what she sees in a bit. Yelle and Ant make sure she’s OK (she is, but the has to be knocked out for this or she won’t be able to handle it). 

Penny tells them what she knows about each Eidolon from her earlier research which is what element each goes with:

Chrona: Time (Related to astral and elemental planes) 

Terra: Earth

Pyrria: Fire

Nira: Water

Zefira: Air

Anima: Life

Talura: Death 

They also talk about TK never leaving via the front door and all this airship stuff being around. Maybe she left out the top of the mountain on an airship? Katja has the hookup with this Tal guy (she’s met him when she was younger) so they decide they need to check it out once Sam is good. 

The girls fix the Legendarium and Ost, when she goes to pray for her spells for the night, doesn’t pray to her usual god. She prays to Asha. And not only does she get her spells, she also gets a new one--Commune. 

And now let’s get to what Sam is seeing in her Vision Coma. 

She was told by Talura that the only way out of the mirrors given to them by the gods was death. And what Talura saw that drove her to do whatever multiverse threatening thing that she did was every one of her sisters walking out of their mirrors and choosing death. I will specifically highlight that the oldest sister leaves almost immediately with a small, “Oh,” of realization and Anima, the closest sister to her seems terrified before coming to a joyful realization and leaving.

And that’s the end of the episode! Join us next week when apparently there is talk of a masquerade ball?????? Brennan, you shouldn’t have!   

Superlatives 

Sam: Most Likely to Accidently Snag a Brand Deal

Did you guys ever read the Greek myth of Cupid and Psyche? Where Psyche was born so hot that it was basically a curse and she was miserable because she was so hot that Aphrodite hated her? That’s Sam. She is incapable of almost dying in a non-aesthetic way. It’s like a Pantene commercial every time. This is my favorite running gag.

Random Thoughts

Man, I have so many feelings about Sam. She’s such a BITCH in so many ways but it’s so obvious that she has a good heart. Every time she has an opportunity to be nice with no gain--helping Lola find her dog, magically turning the pages for the horses during book club, fully refusing a boon from Talura--she does. And I’m glad she gave Zelda such a sincere apology and didn’t let the extenuating circumstances absolve her because she said some pretty uncalled for things. But at her core she’s so kind and I want only good things for her. 

Also those of you who know me from my FH recaps know I’m a messy bitch for sister stuff so Talura and Sam both referring to the other maidens as her sister had me dead. You can tell when something in this show is f’ing me up when I just start directly quoting instead of paraphrasing. 

Katja being richer than Helio but having no idea what any of the brands Ost is mentioning are is peak comedy.  

As is Ant’s response to the take and penny leave a penny translation from Ost, “No, Penny didn’t come with us.”

Ost: I get service in the afterlife.

You could really tell which of the players watched Sophomore Year because the Baronies came up and all of them went into fight or flight immediately. 

Very Elsa vibes from Sam during the top of the scene with Talura. (Sam is, of course, a better sister but we simply do not have time to get into my feelings on Frozen 2 right now).

I was wondering why this season was called just “The Seven” when it dropped initially. Like, was it snappier? Did they not want to use the word “maiden”? But they still call themselves the Seven Maidens in the show so it’s probably not that. Now I’m wondering if it’s just to parallel the 7 of them w/ the 7 Eidolons. 

So it seems clear based on the reactions of the first and sixth sisters that they didn’t just “go gently into that good night” as Ant would say and ditch Talura. It seems like they figured something out. Also Brennan isn’t really a “and then they all died, the end” kind of DM, you know? Credit to my friend @camwritery for getting here before I did but the gods said the only way out was death and she is death so you know? Those def seem like puzzle pieces that go together. 

The only crit rolled this episode is a 1 by Penny which she gets to reroll as a halfling. 

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 11 first part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Goodness)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Okay! This episode is a real slice of healthy family dynamics, not triggering in any way. [Uh if this is your first Restless Rewatch: that is sarcasm, dear readers]

Goodbye to You, Goodbye to Everything We Knew

Nie Huaisang asks why Meng Yao has to leave and Meng Yao says "I killed a guy without permission, so your brother fired me." 

Ha ha ha ha no he doesn't. But he does give Nie Huaisang a sweet, sad smile; he seems touched by NHS's distress. 

Meng Yao carefully removes Nie Huaisang's hands from his shoulders and bows to him, wordlessly signaling the change in their relationship from intimate friends to formal strangers, while Nie Huaisang looks crushed. 

They will return to intimate friendship in the future, but falsely. Meng Yao believes that truly loving a person can include destroying their family and using them as an instrument in your murder plots as long as you don't directly harm them.  Nie Huaisang eventually learns to use people just as brutally, but he doesn't lie to himself about what he's doing. This farewell may be the last harmless moment between these friends. 

Jiang Cheng is distressed by what's going on, while Wei Wuxian crosses his arms and watches, fully in Sherlock Holmes mode, instead of his more usual concerned-for-my-friend mode. This may signal mistrust of Meng Yao, who refused his initial attempt at friendship, and not in a sexy, slice-your-face-off way.  Or it may mean that he's reserving judgement on a complicated family situation. He maintains his uncharacteristic reserve through the entire encounter. 

(more behind the cut!)

Nie Huaisang runs in and asks his brother WTF happened. Nie Mingjue says "he killed my subordinate without permission, when he knows perfectly well power must flow from the ruler; it's like he didn't even read that Foucault book I gave him."

Ha ha ha actually he just yells at his brother, as if NHS doesn’t have his own relationship with Meng Yao after being wonder twink powers with him for probably a couple of years now. NHS has to sit and process his loss and confusion in silence.

As a younger sibling who would make friends with my older siblings' girlfriends and then lose those friends if they broke up, for reasons having nothing to do with why I liked their girlfriends, I super feel Nie Huaisang's pain here.

OTOH, older siblings are entitled to have break ups and not explain themselves to anyone besides their lover because that's the nature of intimacy. The moral is, uhh...don't have a family curse that makes you unreasonably angry. 

Jiang Cheng steps up to advocate for Meng Yao, because Meng Yao is injured, and because Jiang Cheng is actually a born leader who knows better than to throw away a useful subordinate. For example, even when Wei Wuxian is at his drunkest and most defiant, Jiang Cheng tries to reform him, not kick him out, only drawing the line at having unpopular zombie friends.

Wei Wuxian continues to keep his mouth shut, waiting for Nie Mingjue to calm down, and speaking only about the tactical situation. He clearly knows there's more to this story but he's pretty good at keeping his head down in a family ruckus, and we're about to learn why.

Yunmeng Town

The Yunmeng bros go home to Lotus Pier, where they are greeted in town with bows, smiles, and free stuff.

We've mostly been seeing them in their roles within the cultivation community, where Jiang Cheng is grumpy and anxious, and Wei Wuxian is sassy and iconoclastic. Here among common people, they are both charming, friendly, and polite, like the imaginary good kind of gentry.

They hear the news from a local lotus seller that the small clans are coming to the Jiang Clan for shelter, but that otherwise everything's ok, which doesn't sound like everything is ok at all. He gives Wei Wuxian a giant bag of lotuses for his sister to make soup from.

Home to Lotus Pier

All the disciples practicing in the courtyard at Lotus Pier are excited to see them, and one girl goes running to tell Jiang Yanli. Thanks to the admittedly beautiful design of Lotus Pier, she is running for a long time.

A long, long time. Getting around on all these insane walkways must be a real drag if you're not the flying sort of cultivator.

Discipline and Punish

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian immediately go and kneel while they wait for their official punishment. Jiang Cheng is kinda worried about the punishment and Wei Wuxian is like, I'm good at being punished, just let me do it. 

Much later, and for a really long fucking time

He also tries to get Jiang Cheng to stop being mad, even giving him skritches while he says they should be brothers after they die.

Which they will, as it happens, although Jiang Cheng after the Wen torture is only mostly golden-core dead, while WWX dies for real.

When Jiang Fengmian shows up Jiang Cheng starts to explain that they were with Lan Wangji, but Wei Wuxian hushes him; he is still keeping the secret of the Yin Iron. Although he's keeping it in exactly the manner that a teenager keeps their weed stash secret: immediately tell literally every teen friend about it, but keep it extra secret from everybody's parents. 

Happy Families Are All Alike

Now we get to meet Yu Ziyuan, who is generally styled Madame Yu but who I'm going to call by her name just as if she was a male character. More on that concept in a minute. She rolls up looking, smelling, feeling like a million yuan, with her two murder bitches in tow.

Her marriage is an unhappy one, and her husband does his best to avoid her and avoid conflict, lying to the kids that she's tired and then sending her away later with the same line about being tired, which is a particularly gendered kind of gaslighting. She is obviously not tired, other than being tired of Jiang Fengmian's shit.

I'm not going to say she's the worst mother ever, because parenthood in a feudal society entails a wide range of skills, many of which she has in abundance. She starts off with a relatively tender greeting to Jiang Cheng, tuning up his always-amazing sartorial style, which is exactly like her own. They are all ready for the mommy & me fashion show.

That said, she dishes out hellacious verbal abuse to everyone in her family. She targets each one in turn, making Wei Wuxian the focus of most of her ire, but without ever directly speaking to him. He is not, in her view, part of her family. 

The Stages of Family Dinner

1. Try to fix it and defuse the situation

2. Yeah no

3. Just keep your head down and be glad it’s not your turn in the hot seat

This family meal hammers home how much Wei Wuxian is not, actually, part of the family. Jiang Fengmian adopted him into the clan, and told A-Cheng and A-Yi to treat him as a sibling, but he didn't give him the Jiang name, and he didn't get his wife's approval. He also doesn’t expect him to dress like any other clan member, apparently. 

Compare this to how Lan Wangji, actual good parent, fully integrates his own adopted son into his clan and family, starting with giving him the Lan surname.  

The hits just keep coming as she goes after Jiang Cheng for being less gifted than Wei Wuxian, Yanli for performing labor for Wei Wuxian, and Jiang Fengmian for possibly begetting Wei Wuxian.

On first watching this scene I took her question "Is this how you raise someone else's son?" to mean that she thought Jiang Fengmian was being too nice to a kid who was actually an outsider, taking resources away from the real kids. But on rewatching, it's pretty clear that she's saying his favoring Wei Wuxian is evidence that Wei Wuxian is NOT someone else's son; that he's Jiang Fengmian's bastard. 

Jiang Fengmian doesn't say a thing to this, or to her mentioning WWX’s mother. This shit is why WWX is running around in the world desperate for any crumb of info he can get about his Mom; he hears about her all the goddamn time at home, but only as insults to her character.  

A Bitch is Not Wrong

Here's the thing, though; a lot of what Yu Ziyuan says is correct. 

Jiang Fengmian should be a lot more concerned about the danger to the children, and should not leave it up to the kids to decide who's going to bear that danger.

Yanli does a lot of food=love, which is ok in the right doses, but causes her to pretty extremely lose face during the whole "soup for Jin Zixuan" debacle. And her doting on Wei Wuxian is...kinda excessive. I mean, yeah, she’s more like a mom than a sister to him, but still. Running out onto an active battlefield to look for him, frex, will be a skosh too much. 

I have a dictionary too, mom

Jiang Cheng, as the future clan leader, shouldn't let his attachments affect his decision making, and should let Wei Wuxian, who's the superior cultivator, fend for himself more often. We love Jiang Cheng for those moments where he puts himself in harm's way to protect his loved ones, but it's not a good strategy. He constantly yells at Wei Wuxian for the exact same thing he does all the time himself; he just limits who he does it for.

After she roasts the shit out of everyone for these failings, she leaves, and everyone sits around being miserable and not talking about what just happened. 

Not to be gender studies-y on main but: the awful things she says to her children are really not very different from the things that Jiang Cheng says to Jin Ling, although her targeting is more adept. JC also says a lot of mean things to WWX when he’s angry. When a man says cruel or insulting things, it's often presented as real love hidden under a rough exterior. When a woman does it, she's a monster.

If you enjoy this sort of interaction you should definitely have a look at Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and the plays of Eugene O'Neill.

Road Runner

Oh thank god, moving on

Lan Wangji is headed back to Cloud Recesses, and gets ambushed by the roadside with the most ridiculous trap this side of Wile E. Coyote.

Wen Chao thinks the "rug over a hole" trap is a good idea for someone who can literally fly.

Lan Wangji doesn't faff about with sword riding, he just fucking goes up in the air and stays there until he is good goddamn ready to come down. A hole in the sidewalk is really not going to be a problem for him. 

Wen Zhuliu does get in one kick before Lan Wanji yeets backwards away from him, in a moment that's scarier on rewatching, now that I know what Wen Zhuliu is capable of.

Wen Chao talks some smack to Lan Wangji, hilariously complaining about "your patronizing tone" to a man who has literally never spoken a word to him, IIRC, and certainly isn't speaking now. Maybe it's a mistranslation and should be "attitude," or maybe Wen Chao is just that dumb.

Apparently Wei Wuxian made a stack of talismans for Lan Wangji to take on the road with him. This talisman is a twin to the one Lan Wangji brings out way, way later in Yunping, when Wei Wuxian says "you even have kept it until now." Missing scene alert! What else did he make for him?

In Yunping this talisman is used to distract some random harmless street bullies. Here it is used against a seven-man murder squad.

This works.

Assault on Cloud Recesses

Forgettable disciple #1, Su She, comes rushing in to tell Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen that Cloud Recesses is under attack.

I'm pretty sure these dudes already know it, because they are meditating extra hard with a buttload of incense, and Lan Qiren is about to cough up some blood. So I think they're trying to hold the ward, rather than just, like, chilling while their disciples get stabbed.

Cloud Recesses is super on fire, you guys; it's going to totally burn to the ground; look at that conflagration, oh the humanity, etc.

Lan Qiren Rises to the Occasion

Ok, I like to rag on Failmaster Qiren and he is definitely an authoritarian dick a whole lot of the time, but in this scene he is fucking amazing.

He starts off worrying about Lan Wangji, not just out of affection but out of strategic planning, probably in equal parts. All three of these Lans take their clan responsibilities extremely seriously.

Then he calmly assesses the situation while imperturbable Lan Xichen freaks the fuck out. 

Lan Xichen is right to be alarmed, because he knows his uncle, he knows one of them is likely to die, and he knows that Lan Qiren will choose to take the hit.

I love, love, love Lan Qiren's physicality here; how centered and assured he is, as he holds his nephew steady and explains what is required of both of them.

Lan Xichen knows Lan Qiren is right. He is utterly fucking devastated, and all he can do to show his love...

...is to obey. 

This whole scene just. kills me.

Su She and forgettable disciple #2 are in the room for this whole conversation, and they join Lan Xichen in this deep bow. Note: I will be reminding everyone of this fact in Part 2.

Whew. This episode is a LOT. Part 2 Coming Soon!

Writing Prompt: What other goodies did Wei Wuxian put in Lan Wangji's care package before Lan Wangji hit the road without saying goodbye?

Soundtrack: 1. Michelle Branch, Goodbye to You 2. Ludacris, Stand Up

[kerorofrog-imagines]

Some frogs having snowball fights.

This one is kinda silly but it’s very hot here in Spain right now and i wanted to feel cold >.<

Keroro platoon:

Keroro

- He is the one who starts the war, probably coming up with the idea trying to hide the fact that he didin’t wanted to work on a real plan and claiming this to be some sort of new invasion tecnique.

-Gets very into it very soon, saying to be the legendary snowball fight sargeant, the one who won the interplanetary snowball war so many years ago, his fasts movements and worked tecnique makes it imposible for anyone to even think about hitting him. 

-Gets inmediately hit on the face.

-Child mode activated, starts complaining that everyone is cheating as soon as he starts to lose, makes an alliance with Tamama and builds a fort. 

-Uses Dororo as shield from time to time.

-”Sorry Dororo, someone had to sacrifice!” “Y-YOU’RE SO MEAN KERORO-KUN!”

-The fort gets destroyed as soon as Tamama uses one of his attacks.

-Being cold, hungry and kinda injured, goes into the house to chill and forgets about the snowball fight.

Giroro

- Initially says he doesn’t wants to play.

-”THE HELL HAS THAT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE INVASION?!”

- As soon as the words “militar” and “training” scape from Keroro’s mouth, the fire of a hundred suns is lit in Giroro’s soldier heart.

-The worst person (frog?) to play anything remotely related to war with. Is it even allowed to use weapons here?

-Gets extremely competitive and realistic, not caring if he has to hurt somebody on the process, this is war after all. Gets super cocky everytime he hits someone, giving a speech about how much they still have to learn as a soldier.

-It’s Giroro vs everyone now, as the rest have come togheter for revenge.

-Gets obsessed with having the biggest fort in the galaxy and forgets about the whole point of the game, that is to hit people.

-Is hittened often randomly by someone he cannot see at all and gets paranoid thinking about some hidden enemy being there trying to take him down.

-His fort is destroyed by one of Tamama’s attacks, and he goes quikcly to hide into the deeps of the snow.

-Everybody is gone now as he waits  there, hidding, winning an imaginary war. It takes him days to come back, freezed to the bone.

Tamama

-Suuuuuper exited about it. Getting to play in the snow with his beloved sargeant? hell yes.

-Him and Keroro unite and become a team of jerks, starting to win by simply cheating and using Dororo as an armor.

-Gets way to competitive, wanting to show of to Keroro, causes several injuries using his Tamama impact (most of the injuries happening to Keroro himself).

-Helps his Sargeant build a fort, they hide behind it for some time, being trapped by Giroro’s merciless attack.

-Things seem to have gone for the worst, Keroro complains and wishes Mois was there with them , maybe with she here they could actually win.

-This gets on Tamama’s nerves, as his jelouasy starts to build up inside of him.

-”DON’T WORRY MY SARGEANT, I’LL FINISH THIS!!” “Kero?...K-KERO!!!!!”

-The biggest Tamama impact ever seen (today), burnes them both and takes the fort down.

-The good thing? He’s destroyed Giroro’s fort, The bad thing? He’s burned and laying uncouncious in the snow now.

Dororo

-So happy about the fact that he was even asked to play with them that doesn’t even thinks about it.

-Doesn’t wants to hurt anybody and honestly just wants to have a good time with his friends, the poor thing.

-As soon as the fight starts a bunch of awful chilhood memories come to his mind.

-Remember how when ,as a child, Keroro used to hide behind me an let the snowballs hit me instead? Yes, just like he is doing right now.

-Gets into trauma mood quikely and gets forgotten in the middle of the battle field at some point.

-When Giroro comes out of his hidding spot days after, he finds him there, still crying about the past, and takes him home.

Kururu

-Doesn’t fights at all.

-I mean, he says he is going to, but dissapears as soon as the fight starts and sits somewhere away to ate curry and look at the spectacle.

-Has build a machine that throws snowballs from time to time, they all seem to be directed to Giroro for some unexplained reason.

-Basically does the bare minimum and wins by default.

-His curry gets cold and goes inside to get more, kukuku.

Hope you liked it! Please feel free to give me any feedback you might have, specially on my english  ^.^ Garuru platoon coming next!

[not-wholly-unheroic]

Viewing Disney’s Peter Pan Through the Eyes of an Adult

Recently, I’ve seen several posts floating around talking about how Disney’s Hook is difficult for people to take seriously and is much too comical for what Barrie had intended. I grew up with Disney’s Hook. He was my first introduction to the character and the reason why I became interested in reading classic literature, writing fanfic, and seriously delving into the analysis of complex villainous/antagonistic characters, so he has a very special place in my heart and I’m prone to be quick to defend him. Rather than writing a long-winded reply to these individual posts, I decided to just make my own explaining why Disney’s Hook can be viewed as just as tragic and sympathetic as any other version. (You can also read some of my earlier posts defending Disney’s Hook here and here.)

*takes a deep breath* *cracks knuckles* Buckle up kiddos! You’re in for a long ride!

My view of Disney’s Hook as a tragic character lies primarily in my sympathy for him when he switches from a proud, elegant, dangerous character to a shivering mess of a man when the crocodile comes around. Let me attempt to elaborate--but first, a bit of a necessary digression.

Every film/book/play, etc. can be viewed from several perspectives. Typically, there is one character that we are meant to like and who becomes the primary focus of the story. Anyone who opposes that character is automatically an antagonist, if not a villain. Usually, even if the point of view is omniscient, we can still tell that it is not, perhaps, entirely objective in its portrayal of certain characters. This sort of situation happens all the time on the evening news--the interviewer is, in theory, supposed to be a neutral reporter on an incident, but it is often obvious that they favor one side of an issue over another, and as a result, the public's view of the situation and those involved is skewed. The lens through which we view a certain character tends to do the same thing. For instance, in Les Miserables (another favorite story of mine), Javert is viewed as an antagonist because the book is primarily concerned with the redemption story of Valjean; however, if the story was flipped and instead focused on the inspector's character and his transition from a strict legalist to a man so broken by the idea of morality that he commits suicide, he would, perhaps, be viewed instead as a tragic HERO instead of a tragic ANTAGONIST. Javert likely does many GOOD things in the name of the law as well during his career, but we don't see most of them because he isn't the main focus of the book. Similarly, I think Disney’s Hook can be more greatly appreciated as TRAGIC instead of COMICAL when we consider the lens through which we are viewing him.

Disney has always been geared toward children, so naturally, when they tell a story, they want the material to be attractive to a younger audience. This means not only that certain more frightening or upsetting elements of a story may be left out, edited, or altogether changed, but also that WE VIEW THE CHARACTERS THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD. (For example, in The Little Mermaid, King Triton's opposition to Ariel going to the surface world is presented in such a way that he seems extremely harsh when, in reality, he is father trying to keep his daughter safe. True, he DOES overreact, but remember, Ariel is only sixteen--not even LEGALLY an adult--and wants to run off with some guy she hasn’t even had a conversation with. But kids can relate to overbearing parents who, in a moment of disagreement, seem like they are being "mean," so that is how the audience sees Triton.) Peter Pan, especially, with its protagonist(s) as a child/children, really magnifies this perspective to the point where, unfortunately, some of the characters become almost caricatures of themselves. When children are legitimately afraid of something, they react one of two ways: Either they run from it/avoid it altogether, or they make-believe that whatever is frightening them is actually a lot less terrifying than it is so that they appear brave. I remember when I was younger, I used to be TERRIFIED of Monstro, the whale from Pinocchio. I couldn't watch the film without getting nightmares. But I didn't want to be afraid of watching the movie, so with my overactive imagination, I decided that I could fix that by turning him into a less scary version of himself and making him into an imaginary friend who more closely resembled Willy the anthropomorphic opera-singing whale from Make Mine Music than the terrifying creature we see in Pinocchio. Anyway, getting back to the point--I overcame my fear of the character by choosing to imagine that he was less scary than he was. This is what a lot of children do, and I think it's why Disney's Hook comes off as being comical.

The first time we see Disney Hook on screen, he actually comes across as pretty terrifying. He literally shoots his own crew member just because he didn't like the guy's singing! Rarely do we actually see Disney villains successfully kill another character on screen, but Hook does not even five minutes into his introduction. Immediately, we get the impression (or at least, a child should get the impression), that Hook is a genuinely dangerous guy. He also seems to regard his loss of a hand as "a childish prank," which further gives us the impression that he apparently has a pretty high pain tolerance and isn't afraid to do horrible, gruesome things to his enemies. If chopping someone's hand off is "childish," then what sort of serious damage does he inflict on his victims? However, this is Disney, and rather than having Hook gut someone or do something else which might scar a kid for life, we soon see he has a weakness...the crocodile. At this point, the Darling kids have been watching Hook for several minutes from their perch up on the cloud and are, probably, starting to have some second thoughts about fighting real pirates when they seem so scary...so what do they do? They do the same thing I did and turn him into a less-scary version of himself. They find his weakness and latch onto it. And since we're viewing things primarily from their perspective, that's how WE start to see Hook too. Hook's fear of the crocodile becomes comical for the audience because the Darling kids are trying to focus on that aspect of him so that they are can forget how terrifying he really is. We see this more frightening side of Hook come out a few more times, such as when he plans to blow up Pan's hideout...and at this point, we even catch a brief glimpse of the more sinister part of Smee when he asks Hook if it wouldn't be more humane for them to slit his throat...AND THIS IS SMEE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE!!! The LEAST frightening of the pirates in ANY version. But I think Disney throws this in just to remind us that Smee is still a pirate, and if HE'S willing to do something THAT bad, Hook is a thousand times worse. However, for the most part, Hook still remains a rather softened, comical version of himself because we are viewing him through the child-lens. Remove that lens, though, and things become more complicated.

Forget, for a moment, that we are supposed to be rooting for the Darling children and Pan, and look again--not as a frightened child who is trying to laugh in the face of danger but as an adult who can feel Hook's pain. I remember one time when I was driving back from the airport in a busy city in the dark and the road was icy...I'm not used to driving in ice, and I'm a naturally nervous driver...At one point, I skidded into the next lane... I literally spent about the next hour hyperventilating, practically rocking myself back and forth, praying, and trying not to cry because I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to see the road. It was horrible... Take that sort of feeling, and I believe it's what Disney Hook is experiencing when the crocodile shows up. Through the "child-lens" it may be funny to see a frightening character in a vulnerable situation, but viewing it as an adult who understands just HOW helpless and terrified one feels in such a situation, you can't help but empathize with Hook. Every move he makes, every tremble in his voice, every look of absolute horror in his eyes tells you that he is not mentally or physically really functioning at the moment. He's on autopilot--he's in survival mode like a wild animal that freezes in hopes that it won't be seen by the approaching predator. Take away the crocodile's obviously silly "theme-music" and Hook's slightly overdone expressions, and you're left with something similar to what we see Hook experience in the novel near the end of the chapter, "The Pirate Ship." ("Very frightful was it to see the change that came over him. It was as if he had been clipped at every joint. He fell in a little heap...he crawled on his knees along the deck as far from the sound that he could go...'Hide me,' he cried hoarsely.") Now we can start appreciating him for the tragic villain that he is supposed to be.

Viewed through the eyes of the Darling children, Hook represents all that is frightening and bad about the grown-up world. If Peter is ice cream parties and summer vacations and catching fireflies in the dark, then Hook is cancer and broken dreams and being worried about being able to make enough money to put food on the table. Barrie, however, tells us that there is much more to both characters than that. Peter has a dark side--a selfish streak that forgets all pain at the cost of never learning from the past, never growing from his experiences and becoming a better person. He is stagnant not only in physically growing up but also in mentally facing reality, which is just as damaging as Hook's attitude of regretting a childhood apparently gone too soon. Hook, too, has a lighter side that loves soft music and flowers and other such things (representative of the good things about being an adult--falling in love, pursuing one's passions in a professional sense, having children of one's own). Disney, of course, doesn't quite do this to the same extent as Barrie since we're given a skewed view of the characters, but it DOES still make a few points which, when stripped of the "child-lens" effect, gives off a similar impression. Peter, for instance, brags to the mermaids at one point about cutting off Hook's hand and feeding it to the crocodile. Though we never get to hear him finish the tale, it is rather unsettling to think that Disney's Pan is capable of such horror. (Personally, no matter WHAT the circumstances of the situation were, I think any real-life child who took such great pleasure in slicing off a body part of another person and then having the presence of mind to feed said body part to a dangerous wild animal would probably be considered a psychopath in need of some SERIOUS counseling.) Disney, of course, glosses over this little inconvenience by having Hook show up before he can really get any further into the story. Again, the child-lens is going up; Wendy doesn't want to see this side of Peter, and neither does the child-based audience, so they choose to look away. However, we see a brief glimpse of this side of Pan again at Skull Rock. First, we see it resurface when he hands Smee a gun and then flies up directly in front of Hook--knowing that he can move out of the way in time. Again, through the child-lens of the audience, it seems funny to watch Smee doing his best (and failing terribly) to aim at Pan...but when you think about it from an adult's perspective, it's actually pretty disturbing. Peter legitimately wants Hook dead and doesn't care if it happens to be at the hand of one of his own crewmen (and arguably, in the Disney universe, Hook's only real friend). When Hook "dies," Peter simply takes the hat and says nonchalantly, "What a pity, Mr. Smee. I'm afraid we've lost the dear captain." It doesn't even phase him that a man might have just died and poor Smee is probably feeling absolutely HORRIBLE because it was (sort of) his fault. Even Wendy's child-lens falters a little here... While Peter is celebrating Hook's death, she at least, has enough of an adult's heart to have compassion on their fallen enemy and turn her face away with an, "Oh, how dreadful!" It happens again a few moments later when Peter is getting ready to kick Hook's hook off the ledge so that he falls into the waiting jaws of the crocodile. (The captain, at this point, is of course, squirming like--to use Peter's phrasing--"a codfish on a hook.") Again, Pan has no sympathy, but Wendy, who is starting to gradually open up her eyes to the truth that maybe staying a child forever isn't all it's cracked up to be and maybe adulthood isn't entirely bad, is losing her "child-lens." Not entirely. Not to the point where she doesn't continue to view Hook as comical to keep from being afraid. But enough to know that what Peter is about to do is wrong. She expresses this verbally when she shouts, "Oh, Peter, NO!"

It is at this point, shortly after the crocodile chase, that we start to see Hook become more of a legitimate threat (and a legitimately sympathetic character) again. Why? Because Wendy, as the protagonist and the one whose eyes we are looking through even more so than Pan, is starting to grow up and face reality for what it is--scary or not. As she sings "Your Mother and Mine" and tells her brothers that they NEED a mother--that Neverland has been fun but they NEED to go home--Hook is throwing Tinkerbelle in a lantern and planning to kidnap the kids and blow Pan to smithereens. And then we get the "slit his throat" reminder (mentioned above)... Also, as a side note, when Hook is ill after the crocodile chase, we hear him lamenting how Pan has made him look like a fool yet again. This is also something that I think we can appreciate more as adults. All Hook's crew wants is to go back to haunting the Spanish Main, but Hook refuses to leave Neverland because he feels that he has to remain there until he can regain his pride...which in and of itself is admirable, since many people who have been played the fool simply hang their head and walk away in shame. Here's this guy who has been bested by a child no more than twelve or thirteen--and possibly much younger... How must that feel? I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship where I was constantly reminded how I couldn’t do anything right, and it felt SO degrading. I literally just wanted to go hide away in my room and cry because I felt so incompetent and useless and just plain stupid. So how does Hook feel? Probably the same way. But he doesn't give up. If there's one thing we can say for sure about Disney Hook, he's a fighter. So, I guess you could say that, in part, one reason I find Disney Hook so sympathetic and tragic is because I can identify with him in his crippling reaction to fear and admire him for his bold attempts to reclaim his pride.

Anyway, getting back on track with the storyline... As we near the end of the film, Hook once again appears to lose face at the final showdown. At first, this doesn't seem to make sense if Wendy is, in fact, beginning to lose the child-lens. However, although Hook is defeated, we are never actually shown that he dies (and obviously, from the second film, in the Disney universe, he doesn't). I remember reading somewhere that when they were originally working on Peter Pan, Walt Disney chose to keep Hook alive and just have him "going like hell" rather than actually dying because, "the audience will get to liking Hook." And by this point, we have...those of us still looking through the child-lens love to hate him as a character we can laugh at, and those of us who are more grown-up love him for being just like us--an adult who is STILL growing up, in some ways, who is STILL afraid of certain things and hasn't always learned his lessons and isn't perfect but also isn't willing to give up even when everything is against him and everyone is laughing at him and nothing seems to go right.

Now, I said that at first, it doesn't seem to make sense for us to view Hook in a comical light in this scene if we are viewing the movie primarily through the eyes of the Darling children--particularly Wendy, who is starting to grow up and realize that adults are supposed to feel things like compassion for one's enemies. However, Wendy is still a child. She IS still afraid of growing up. In fact, she's terrified. And that comes out when the kids are all mocking Hook. He's still frightening to them. They still need the security blanket of pretend sometimes, of focusing on his more comical, vulnerable side...but they don't defeat Hook by killing him in this version, and I think that's significant. As representative primarily of the "scary" parts of growing up, Hook is temporarily cast aside and shoved to the back of their minds, but he IS NOT DEAD. The kids (and even Pan) know he may come back. They know he isn't gone for good. One day, they will have to face adulthood. One day, Hook--in the guise of mortgages and taxes and wars and sickly older parents--will return. But for now, they have defeated him...not just by pretending but by choosing to accept the responsibility of growing up eventually, in their own good time. Even Peter starts to reflect this theme by beating Hook, "man to man" without the use of flight. Wendy, who wants to be the good grown-up but who isn't quite ready to let go of childhood, warns Peter against it, thinking that it may be a trap. She even goes so far as to shout at him to fly when he has the chance even though he has promised not to. But Disney Pan is a bit more mature than some (maybe Wendy's better judgment is wearing off on him), and he keeps his word. He beats Hook "like a man" NOT like a boy. Pan's victory here symbolically reflects the Darling children's decision to face adulthood by going back to London. Thus, Hook is defeated because adulthood is no longer an obstacle which causes a fear is so crippling that the kids can't face it. When Wendy returns home, we get one last glimpse of this truth in Mr. Darling--the real-world representative of all things frightening and frustrating about growing up and, as I'm sure you know, also (significantly) voiced by Conried--who has done some "growing up" himself. Mr. Darling, it seems, is willing to allow Wendy a bit more time to enjoy life as a child, remembering his own childhood fondly, even as Wendy has chosen to accept the responsibility of growing up. Mr. Darling, who much like Hook, was viewed previously by the kids (and by extension, the audience) as a bit of a bully and an object of ridicule, is now the object of Wendy's affection as a mutual understanding is reached. Adulthood is frightening in many ways, but Wendy has also come to realize that it is necessary to take responsibility for one's actions and feel compassion for others just as Mr. Darling has realized that sometimes, it's okay for kids to be kids and enjoy the moment. Essentially, what I'm saying is--borrowing the idea that Hook and Mr. Darling are two sides of the same coin--Hook in Neverland, chased away by the crocodile, appears as comical in the last scene only because he effectively gets one last serious scene through his London counterpart, staring wistfully out the window with a loving wife and child by his side. Wendy isn't quite yet grown up, so she still sees through the child-lens on occasion, but she is learning, gradually, to embrace that which she once feared. She no longer needs Hook, an imaginary figure, to personify that fear. She now has her father back, and though she now RESPECTS what he stands for, she is no longer so terrified of growing up that she can't appreciate the GOOD side of the future (such as having a husband and a family of her own someday) and look forward to it.

[bee-side-of-myself]

Crying in the club right now over my annual rewatching of my favorite movie, Jaws. I never realized before that Quint, thr boat captain, is a survivor of the sunken ship USS Indianapolis during WWII... It fucked me up so hard realizing he survived days of shark attacks, watching his friends and shipmates be picked off one by one, just to be violently eaten by Bruce (spoiler alert) at the end of the film. For those that don't know about the USS Indianapolis, here's a summary of the nightmare hellscape the sailors faced after their boat was sunken:

"The Navy did not know of the sinking for a few days, when an anti-sub patrol airplane spotted an oil spill and survivors bobbing in the water.

Edgar Harrell recalled the desperate scene to National Geographic.

“At any given time you could look out and see big fins swimming around and around around. All of a sudden you heard a blood-curdling scream and you look and you see the shark had taken him under.

Day after day went by. Skin began rotting, and Dick Thelen recalled seeing “a lot of guys just crack, or drink the water, or give up, or swim off to an imaginary island.”

Hulver said most of the crew were able to get life jackets, but many of the vests became waterlogged or would tend to slide down the body, increasing fatigue. Some sailors grabbed on to floating nets, or the extremely fortunate got into a life raft.

“It was survival mode. Pulling away from the group almost meant certain death. Those who pulled away were picked off by the sharks, or drank saltwater and they floated off.”

-Phil Gast, CNN July 29th, 2016. "Sharks, Secrets, and the Sinking of the USS Indianapolis"

This is the first time I've put the pieces together and it really got me the way they did Quint like that... I know it's just an old movie but the horrors of the USS Indianapolis sinking are real. Of the 800 men that went into the water, only 316 were rescued after 5 days. It's just like Quint says, "...At least we delivered the bomb... 🙄"

[r3almellow]

MLQC Boys and The Babysitter’s Club

Thank you anon for the request! The guys being dads is such a cute concept to me! 

Please enjoy! 

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Kiro

You need Kiro to babysit for the day?! Say no more!

Super dad Kiro is on the job!

Takes your child to all of his photoshoots and might even do an impromptu father and child shoot. Ends up being on the cover of a famous magazine. 

The child is literally Kiro 2.0! 

A total cutie, a little mischievous and a complete glutton! 

Completely charms the entire staff on set with their adorable looks while giving trouble. 

Almost broke a camera worth thousands? Kiro 2.0 will just charm their pants off with a cute smile and all is forgotten. 

“Please don’t break the nice people’s expensive equipment! Daddy’s wallet can only handle so much trauma!”

Give them food and you’ll never hear a peep out of them for the rest of the day. 

Kiro will attempt to help the child eat since you know...a baby can only eat so much food. 

Savin won’t put up with it and will shut that down fast! 

Speaking of Savin....he is a master when it comes to dealing with your child because its basically like dealing with Kiro. So when Kiro is off taking pictures, Savin steps in. 

Once shooting wraps up, Kiro will find the child passed out in his dressing room with a jacket covering them.  

Gavin

Since Gavin’s line of work is too dangerous for a child, he will only take their child to work whenever he’s on desk duty and doesn’t have a lot to do. Worst case scenario Uncle Minor to the rescue!

Gavin’s colleagues absolutely love when Baby Bai comes in. They made the adorable toddler an honorary officer and even gave them a police hat, so every time Baby Bai comes in they’re wearing the hat. 

They’ll tell the child stories of how cool Gavin is. When they try to tell them the more dangerous stuff, Gavin shuts them up immediately.  

“Your dad is a real badass! He ever tell you about the time he...” #CueBirdCopsStareofDeath

They find it interesting to see Gavin in daddy mode since Gavin is almost always the stoic type. Watching him crack a smile or go as far as make silly face at the toddler is a sight to behold.

Baby Bai will get their hands on some handcuffs and accidentally cuff themselves to a chair. 

If Gavin takes his eyes off of them long enough they will try to make friends with the people locked up in the holding sell. 

“One-eyed Johnny does not want to play hide and seek!” 

When its finally time to go home, Baby Bai happily waves goodbye to the fine men and women of the Loveland Police Department as Gavin carries them to the car. 

Victor

Whenever the prince or princess of LFG spends the day with their father, everyone can rest easy. 

Victor’s strict nature lightens just slightly whenever in the presence of his child. 

Mainly because the toddler starts to cry if they see their father upset, so Victor finds it extremely difficult to lay down the law with his employees. 

Mini Li is pretty quiet and plays with their easy-bake oven in the corner of Victor’s office.

Likes to offer Victor imaginary pudding while he’s on the phone. 

Sometimes tries to be a part of important video calls because they want to know why daddy is talking to a computer screen.

If Victor has to run off to a meeting, Goldman plays babysitter for about an hour.

When Victor returns from his mid-day meetings Mini Li is almost always fast asleep on the leather sofa clutching their cat plush. 

Lucien

Tiny Xu spends most of their time either in their father’s office or at his desk during Lucien’s class coloring.

The students practically adore them! 

Will sometimes wave at the class as they walk in. If they’re lucky they might even get a small “Hello.” 

The adorable little bean is so sweet and quiet! You barely know they’re there. 

Lucien sometimes likes to use Tiny Xu as an example for his lectures.

“The human brain takes years to develop. Take this child currently coloring on my lecture notes for example...”

Tiny Xu likes to listen to their father’s lectures and will watch with wonder in their eyes. 

“Dad, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but it sounds cool.”

When in their father’s office they create their own “lecture” with their stuffed animals as the students. It will be babbled nonsense, but nonsense that has Lucien’s heart soaring.

Best believe Lucien has videos of these moments to show you. 

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Honestly, I’m such a sucker for domestic shiz! Like MLQC guys being dads just makes my heart swell! I love it! Sorry for the typos and mistakes! Almost out of requests so send in whatever you got! 

You can find the rest of my work here! 

[sweatersexual]

In Gravity Falls, You Abduct the Aliens

Read on AO3

Read the previous work in this series

“This,” proclaimed Stan, “is not a house.” He waded through the piles of books, papers, and weird gadgets. “Seriously, who keeps a chalkboard in their living room? This is more like some kind of nerd lair.”

“I prefer to think of it as my own research lab that I have all-hours access to, but the term lair does lend a certain ambience,” said Ford.

Stan picked up a deformed skull that looked like it belonged to some kind of rodent. “This feels like the intro to a horror movie. With a plucky pair of teen heroes to terrorize and giant switches to a zappy doomsday device, you’d be all set.” He started playing with the skull’s jaw hinge.

Ford reclaimed the skull from him. “Well, it’s no doomsday device, but once I get the portal in the basement working, it’ll be plenty ‘zappy,’ as you say.”

Right, the portal. Ford had talked about it a lot on their drive up from Vegas, where the two of them had happened to run into each other and ended up reconciling. Ford seemed preoccupied by how he’d build the thing without his old flame, Fiddleford McGucket. Ford had invited him to join them in Gravity Falls as well, but when the two nerds realized they still had the hots for each other, Fiddleford had decided to do right by his wife and kid and stay in Palo Alto.

Stan, on the other hand, might be no mechanical engineer, but he was smart enough to realize there was more to this portal business than Ford was telling him.

“Man, you really have a one track mind when it comes to that portal, huh? You were even talking about it in your sleep while we were driving up here. ‘So sorry, shouldn’t’ve let my personal feelings get in the way. . . . ‘S only a temporary setback . . . won’t let all our hard work go to waste . . .’ Has somebody else been helping with the portal?”

Ford nervously spun the skull around in his hand. “Really, Stanley, it’s silly to read too much into sleep talk. I could’ve been talking about anything.”

“Come on, Sixer. If you’re gonna lie to me, you gotta try harder than that.”

“Don’t you trust me, Stanley?”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“I do, but . . . I don’t want you to think I’m crazy.”

Stan put a hand on Ford’s shoulder. “Listen, bro. I’ve been all over the world. Whatever it is, I’ll understand.”

Ford sighed. “All right, I’ll try to explain. But first, let me go get something. A visual aid, if you will.”

A few minutes later, he returned, having replaced the deformed skull with a ceramic jar in his now gloved hands. “I was lucky to get my hands on this,” Ford told him. “The Northwests hoard just about all the artifacts they can find. Please avoid touching it, I don’t have any disposable five-fingered gloves to protect it from the oils on your hands.”

He presented the design on the jar to Stan, who was doing his best to show Ford he didn’t think he was crazy. The picture was of a man with an animal pelt on his head talking to a triangle with one eye. “Don’t tell me you got recruited by the Illuminati or something,” said Stan.

“No, I haven’t joined any secret societies,” Ford assured him. “This depicts a man named Modoc from three thousand years ago, seeking wisdom from an ancient being. From time to time, this being presents himself to truly singular minds, giving them divine insight and knowledge. And now this Muse has chosen me.”

“Okay,” said Stan. “So you’ve gotten into some kind of niche religion. It’s not that weird. Just don’t drink the Kool-Aid, all right?”

Ford set the jar down on what little empty space his dining room table had left. “I haven’t joined a cult, Stan. I mean, it is a kind of spiritual experience, talking to my Muse, but there’s no organized religion involved. Ever since I summoned him, he manifests himself in my dreams. I never could’ve gotten this far in my investigations of Gravity Falls without him. And he’s helped me come up with the plans for this portal. I know it sounds strange, but there really is something otherworldly about him. And even if he is somehow all in my imagination, the inspiration has never steered me wrong.”

Stan’s bullshit-o-meter was going off, but not because he thought Ford was lying to him. Stan knew his twin’s tells, and Ford was definitely sincere about this muse thing. He couldn’t take Ford’s words at face value, but he could tell that Ford was really going out on a limb here, being honest about something that could get him called a quack at best or institutionalized at worst. So what if the guy was in his thirties and had an imaginary friend? Let him have his weird triangle dreams if it made him happy.

So Stan simply said, “Hey, whatever floats your boat, poindexter. But now that I’m here, you’re not just some weird hermit living in the woods. We’re a family. And families live in homes, not nerd lairs.”

Ford blinked, seeming surprised that Stan had changed the subject. But he went along with it anyway. “Right. Well, I have been meaning to organize everything for awhile now. My research keeps getting ahead of me. But I’ll probably be able to think better without so much clutter around.”

It didn’t take long for the twins to settle into a routine. Mornings were for cleaning and organization. After lunch, Stan would run errands while Ford struggled building his machine in the basement. Stan never imagined he’d get so excited about yard sale curtains and other furnishings, but after so many years never having a permanent place of his own, he relished the chance to decorate his own living space. Afternoons and evenings were dedicated to finding and studying anomalies, then Stan tried to persuade Ford to go to bed rather than get back to work on the portal again. He was rarely successful.

“I owe it to myself to at least stumble along with the limited mechanical knowledge I have,” said Ford. “And maybe I’ll find someone or something else that can help.”

Stan did try to help, but it took so long for Ford to even explain what he was trying to do, and it was so boring listening to him speak nothing but jargon, and Ford just didn’t think the way Stanley did. Stan would probably have better luck just taking Ford’s plans and trying to decode them himself, either way it would take ages. Instead he simply figured out how to use a welding torch and applied it where Ford told him to.

But Stan’s favorite hours were spent running through the woods with his brother. He had never expected to see a gnome for himself, or play with magic size-altering crystals. About one week into his stay, Ford was over the moon to find a sleeping gremloblin. “I don’t know when I’ll get another chance to study one up close like this!”

Stan helped take samples and measurements (it really was remarkable how heavy a sleeper this gremloblin was), then helped himself to his favorite toffee peanuts while Ford finished scribbling in his journal. Rustling in the bushes behind him turned his head, and before he knew it a red and black creature was running away from him, and the toffee peanuts that had fallen on the ground were gone.

Ford snapped to attention, too. “Did you see what that was?” he asked Stan.

“Something with a duck bill.” Stan held up his snack. “It was trying to get these.”

Ford grimaced. “I suppose there’s no accounting for taste.”

Stan rolled his eyes. Ford was so dramatic about his distaste for Stan’s favorite snack.

“Can I try to lure it back out?” asked Ford, reaching for the toffee peanuts.

“Fine.”

Once they had gotten the creature to reemerge, Ford was back to scribbling in his journal. “So the plaidypus legends are real! Fascinating, fascinating. Is it just me, or do you think it smells like maple syrup and bacon?”

They were able to track the plaidypus back to its burrow on the marshy banks by the creek, where they found a clutch of flannel-patterned eggs. To improve upon their fantastic luck, they had arrived in time to watch the eggs hatch.

“Look at that! They only have the horizontal stripes now, the vertical stripes must come in as they grow - did you get the measurements on that last one, Stanley?”

“Yeah, but what do you think the deal is with that one?” Stan pointed to a blue egg that hadn’t yet hatched.

“I have no idea. I’m not even sure that’s a plaidypus egg.”

Ford turned out to be extremely correct when the blue egg did hatch and a slimy white monster popped out.

“What the hell is that thing?” asked Stan.

Ford replied, “I’ve never seen anything like it,” then gasped when the monster mutated into another baby plaidypus. “It’s a mimic!”

“Wait - which one is it?” asked Stan.

Ford cursed. “I should’ve been paying closer attention.”

The shapeshifter soon revealed itself when instead of latching on to the mother plaidypus’s lactating glands, it sank its teeth into another baby plaidypus. “No!” cried Stan as he picked up the imposter and pried its jaw open. “Bad shapeshifter thing!”

Ford tended the baby plaidypus’s wounds while Stan wrestled the shapeshifter into a containment jar, where it resumed its original pale, slimy form.

The study of this creature quickly set Ford into what Stan liked to call Full Nerd Mode. They hardly seemed to get through a conversation without Ford bringing up how “Shifty”, as he’d nicknamed the thing, changed his DNA when he changed forms, and how the implications from that would revolutionize the field of genetics, or asking for suggestions for safe forms to add to Shifty’s repertoire. Stan had to admit it was nice to see his brother obsess over something other than that portal for once, though if he had his way he could think of several ways for Shifty to aid with some under-the-table schemes.

“Stanley!” Ford had chided him when Stan had joked about the idea. “You have a job with me now. You don’t need to get into more trouble with the law.”

Yeah, that had been weird, getting an actual, legitimate paycheck for once, and with his brother’s signature no less. And it really was quite a lot considering that Stan didn’t need to pay rent or anything. But Stan couldn’t help that niggling doubt in the back of his mind questioning whether he had enough, whether Stan’s luck might still run dry and he’d better get as much as he could while the getting was good -

Stan had simply shrugged at his brother. “A side hustle never hurt anything,” he said. “And with Shifty’s help, we wouldn’t get caught.”

“I’m afraid it’s out of the question,” Ford had insisted. “We wear masks around Shifty for a reason, you know. It’s too dangerous to have him impersonate humans.”

And Stan could see the wisdom in that, but even so, he thought he did a good enough impression of his brother to recognize the second-rate performance Shifty would put on. The little monster couldn’t even talk!

That last assumption was proven wrong one afternoon while they were working on the portal and a high-pitched voice called out, “Beans!”

Ford’s head perked up from his schematics. “Did you say something?” he asked Stan, who shook his head.

Stan pointed to the dog kennel where they kept Shifty. “I think it was -”

“Beans!” the voice repeated, and it was definitely coming from the kennel.

“Remarkable,” said Ford, replacing his mask as he walked over to kneel in front of the kennel, where Shifty could see him. “Are you hungry, Shifty?”

“Beans,” he repeated, “for me.”

“I’ll go get him some,” said Stan. As he climbed the stairs up to the house, he heard Ford ask, “What else can you say, Shifty?”

When Stan returned with the beans Shifty liked so much, the little monster was repeating the brothers’ names. “Stan,” said the little voice. “Ford. Sixer poindexter knucklehead.”

Ford laughed. “Very good, Shifty. Those are some other names we call each other.”

“Who am I?” asked the shapeshifter. Stan felt his mouth drop open. That wasn’t the sort of question a parrot asked . . .

“Why, you’re Shifty,” said Ford without a trace of the trepidation Stan was feeling just then. “Stan has brought you those beans you wanted, Shifty.”

“Beans!”

When he was done eating, Shifty went back to asking questions. “Who am I? Who is Shifty?”

“Speaking in full sentences already,” said Ford. “This is really quite incredible.”

“He’s asking if he’s a person, Ford.”

“Stan, don’t anthropomorphize him. Even parrots can repeat phrases -”

“Parrots don’t ask existential questions like that! And besides, when have we ever said anything like that around him?”

Ford frowned. “I’ll need to collect more data -”

“This isn’t about data, Ford!” Stan gestured to the kennel. “That’s a kid! A weird monster kid, but still a kid. And we’re keeping him in a cage. Take it from someone who’s been to prison.” At that, Ford glanced up at him in surprise, and Stan looked away. “It does things to you.”

Ford stammered, “Stan, I - I didn’t know - you never said -”

“I don’t like to talk about it,” said Stan. “And anyway, this isn’t about me. This is about him.”

Ford nodded. It was a moment before he answered, “Well, I will need to do more tests, and we do need to keep his abilities under control, but -” Stan opened his mouth to argue, but Ford placed his hand on Stan’s shoulder in a calming motion - “but . . . your concerns have merit. Even a parrot would need a more stimulating environment than this. Will you help me whip something up for Shifty?”

Stan grinned. “Of course.”

With Stan’s help, Ford was able to construct a walled-off enclosure in the basement, which Shifty took to happily. When Ford was able to determine that the burrow Shifty made in the corner was a bed and not an escape route, he found he could breathe much easier.

Ford spent an increasing amount of time in the enclosure, testing Shifty’s language and cognitive skills. Soon he had an impressive amount of data confirming the shapeshifter’s intelligence. Shifty was always eager to participate in the “games,” as he referred to them, and responded very well to Ford’s praise. Ford had to admit he also enjoyed designing activities to keep Shifty occupied while Ford was working on other projects. These activities usually took the form of a puzzle or scavenger hunt, with chicken nuggets as prizes.

Shifty was also making great strides in learning to read. Ford had picked up a number of secondhand children’s books, but only ones that contained no illustrations of humans or dangerous animals for Shifty to take the forms of. This still left him with a wide variety of benign anthropomorphic animal characters like Frog and Toad, Frances, and Little Critter, many of whom became common forms for Shifty to take.

Eventually Ford felt comfortable enough for Shifty to have supervised playtime in the house and walks around the yard, but he and Stan always stayed masked and kept Shifty from seeing any people or dangerous animals.

On one such occasion, Stan was keeping an eye on Shifty upstairs while Ford was getting in some work on the portal. A loud thump from the floor above broke Ford’s focus, and a second had him scrambling up the steps, adjusting his mask as he went. The last thing he expected to find in the living room was two elephant seals.

“You didn’t tell me humans can shapeshift too!” said one of the elephant seals.

“What? Shifty? Are you saying Stan turned into this elephant seal right here?”

The other elephant seal groaned, a grumbling, braying sound.

“Elephant seal,” Shifty repeated. His high voice sounded comical coming from such a blubbery monster. “I like being an elephant seal. I’ve never been this big before.”

This was a disaster. Ford had never intended to have Shifty turn into such a volatile creature. “I’m afraid elephant seals are too big to be in the house, Shifty. Would you please turn into something smaller?”

“But how come Stan gets to be an elephant seal?” Shifty complained as he morphed into Arthur Read, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

“I don’t want him to be an elephant seal either,” said Ford. “Stan? Can you try to turn back? What were you messing with, you know a lot of the artifacts I keep are cursed.”

Stan made a series of grunting seal noises, none of which were in the least helpful.

Ford sighed aggravatedly. “What happened before he turned into an elephant seal, Shifty?”

“Well, we were gonna build a blanket fort, so we got some blankets out of a trunk, then I put one of the blankets on my head and pretended I was a ghost, and Stan did too, only he used the -”

“The sealskin?” asked Ford. “The heavy one with the decorative beading?”

“I think so. He turned into an elephant seal after he put it on.”

“But that one’s cursed!” said Ford. “This is not good. We need to turn him back soon, or he’ll stay an elephant seal forever.”

Stan let out a series of angry honks and grumbles which, if translated to English, would probably be the kind of language Ford would not want Shifty repeating.

As it was, Shifty shrank into a field mouse, his ears meekly tucked behind his head. “What can we do?” he asked. “How do we change him back?”

“I’ll need to consult my journal,” said Ford. “I think I found a curse breaking spell somewhere . . .”

Ford tried to flip through journal 2 quickly, but had to pause every time Shifty climbed up to his shoulder, trying to get a glimpse of the pages.

“Cut it out, Shifty,” he said, setting Shifty back on the ground for the third time. “You’re slowing me down, and time is of the essence.”

“Why don’t you trust me?” asked Shifty.

“Come now, you know my journals are off limits,” said Ford. “Why don’t you make sure Stan doesn’t wreck the coffee table, hmm?”

A few minutes later, Ford found the page he was looking for. “Vis maleficiis expello. Fundere atque fugare in pacem. Purgare. Purgare. Purgare,” he chanted over Stan’s blubbery form.

Nothing happened.

Ford rechecked the journal entry. “Did I miss something? Let me try that again.”

The second attempt was no better than the first.

“This curse is clearly more malignant than I thought,” said Ford. “A simple spell is simply not up to the task. We’ll need to try something with a little more oomph to it.”

“Can I help?” asked Shifty.

“You can,” said Ford, “by waiting very patiently in your room while I take Stan to meet an acquaintance of mine.”

“But I can do more!” Shifty protested. “I’m sure I can.”

“I’m sorry, Shifty, but I’m afraid the risk is too great.”

“But what if he gets stuck as an elephant seal forever and it’s all my fault?”

“Shifty . . .” Ford was surprised Shifty had developed such an attachment to Stan, and a sense of responsibility. Though as far as Ford was concerned, it was entirely unwarranted. “I don’t blame you for any of this. If Stan had been more careful -” Stan snorted at that - “or if I had clearly labeled which items were cursed,” Ford conceded, “that is to say, this was just an accident. You don’t need to feel guilty.”

Shifty seemed to accept that, “But I still want to help. If you let me go with you, I promise I’ll be good. I’ll do what you tell me, I promise.”

Ford shook his head. “Shifty, it really will be more of a help if I’m not having to watch out for you while we’re undoing the curse. Don’t worry, I’ve dealt with phenomena far more malignant than this. Why don’t I refill your octahedron puzzle, hmm?” It was one of Shifty’s favorites. “By the time you’re done with it, we’ll be back, and Stan will be in his right shape again.”

Once Ford had started a reluctant Shifty on his puzzle, and gathered a few materials he thought might be helpful for curse breaking, Ford and Stan started hiking over to the lake. Well, Ford was hiking. Stan was doing more of a hobble. Ideally they would drive over, but the El Diablo wasn’t built to cart around elephant seals, and Stan wasn’t too keen to try.

“We’re going to summon a siren I’ve had some dealings with,” Ford explained to Stan. At his questioning look, Ford added, “She’s safe, don’t worry. We may have had . . . some miscommunications, at first, but we’re on good terms. Doripea’s been an excellent source of information. I just hope she’s not too busy.”

To their good fortune, she wasn’t. “Well, if it isn’t my favorite gentleman caller,” Doripea greeted Ford. Her angular face and pointed ears add to the mischievousness of her grin, aided in its brightness by the afternoon sun reflecting off her turquoise scales. “Here for another interview date?”

“Ah, sort of?” said Ford.

Stan’s snorts sounded an awful lot like laughter.

“Oh, I figured out Ford was gay pretty quickly,” she told Stan, apparently in response to a comment Ford hadn’t been able to understand. “What I couldn’t figure out was why he kept trying to summon me with a suitor’s call.”

Ford groaned. “The summoning instructions in Eatherena Aquatica didn’t specify -” He was cut off by Stan’s repeated laughter. “Anyway, I was hoping I could get your input, Doripea. You see, we’re in a bit of a pickle.”

“Aside from the shapeshifter stalking you?”

“What?” Ford whirled around, zeroing in on a deer which had frozen in place with a wide-eyed, panicked expression. “Shifty, I told you to stay in your room!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” cried the deer. “I just wanted to make sure Stan was okay! Please don’t hate me.”

With a sinking feeling in his stomach, Ford realized he wasn’t wearing a mask, meaning Shifty could now take his form if he wanted. Who knew how many people or dangerous animals Shifty had come across while tailing them to the lake? How could Ford possibly do damage control on this?

“You don’t have to panic,” said Shifty. “I said I’d be good if you let me come. I’ll do what you tell me, just please, I couldn’t just wait around doing nothing.”

“Amazing,” said Doripea. “You tamed it. I didn’t even know their kind could talk.”

Ford turned to her, curiosity suddenly overcoming his concern. “You’ve seen other shapeshifters before?”

She shrugged. “Not in a long time. It’s been, what, a century and a half? I saw it come out of its burrow to feed every now and then, but for the most part it kept to itself, I think.”

“Strange,” said Ford. “Shifty has tested well when it comes to social behaviors. It’s hard to determine such things with only one extant specimen, but I would’ve guessed his kind to be pack hunters.”

“As far as I know, only one of them has existed at a time. Can’t pack hunt without a pack,” said Doripea.

“Hmm.” Ford would have to examine the implications of this later, but for now, “Shifty, you can stay, as long as you keep close to me and stay in deer form unless I tell you otherwise, got it?”

“Okay.”

“Now, Dora, the reason I came to call on you. My brother here mishandled the selkie’s revenge and I was hoping you could help me change him back to human form.”

“How long has he been in seal form?”

“No more than two hours.”

“Oh good, you caught it early. Stan, you don’t feel any strong urges to swim in this lake, do you?”

To Stan’s grunts she replied, “Well, if you get any, resist them. This curse is designed to turn you into an elephant seal in mind as well as body. Swimming in the water will kick start that process. You’ll be drawn to the other elephant seals, and before you know it you’ll be on the wrong side of a territorial beachmaster. You’re lucky we’re so far inland, and that it isn’t mating season.”

“I tried a simple curse breaking spell, and when that didn’t work I thought we would need something more specialized.”

“You got that right, Stanford. Did you bring any material we could use as a taglock?”

Ford nodded and produced some hair he’d removed from Stan’s hairbrush. Doripea listed a few other ingredients, some of which Stanford had on him, and another she could harvest from the bottom of the lake. She sent them off to gather cedar leaves while she retrieved it.

“See, Shifty, you had nothing to worry about,” Ford reassured him as the three of them set off on their short trek through the forest. “With Doripea’s help, Stan will be back to normal in no time. You didn’t need to break out of your room.”

“I guess,” said Shifty. “It’s just that you and Stan never let me go anywhere. And maybe I didn’t have to come, but now that I’m here, it’s not so bad. Why do you think I’m so dangerous?”

Ford hesitated. How wise was it, to let Shifty know how powerful his shapeshifting abilities were? How easily they could be misused? How much of Shifty’s good behavior was due to his innocence?

Before he could start parsing out his answer, something caught his eye. “Look, there! A cedar grove. Shifty, why don’t you change into bird form and help me gather the leaves?”

Shifty was sufficiently distracted by leaf collecting for the time being. But as they made their way back to the lake with their spoils, something seemed off about Stan. He would stop moving periodically, his head cocked to the east. Then he would shake his head and catch up with Ford and Shifty.

The third time Stan stopped, Ford asked, “What is it, Stanley?” but Stan didn’t seem to hear him. Instead he took off in the eastern direction.

“What are you doing?” asked Ford, running alongside him. “That’s not the way back to the lake!”

“He can’t help it!” said Shifty as he glided through the air above them, still in bird form. “Something is drawing him that way!”

“The river,” Ford realized. “It must be closer to this spot than the lake is! We can’t let him get in the water!”

“Can I turn into an elephant seal now?” asked Shifty, and he whooped gleefully when Ford gave his assent. With an extra burst of speed, Shifty flew several feet ahead of them, then dropped to the ground in elephant seal form. The two bull seals collided, and Stan looked even more frenzied as he tried to evade this new obstacle.

“Stan, don’t hurt him!” cried Ford. “You know Shifty, he doesn’t want to hurt you! Stan, look at me, you know you can’t get in the water! Snap out of it!”

Stan paid no attention to this. Clearly the call of the water was too strong. Was Stan hearing the water? Were there lower vibrations from the gallons of rushing water that elephant seals could pick up, but humans couldn’t? Ford could only think of one way to find out.

Grateful he’d thought to bring an infrasonic transducer, Ford quickly set it to the needed specifications. “Shifty, cover your ears!” cried Ford, demonstrating with his hands.

Shifty found a hole in the ground to duck his head into, just in time for Ford to press the button. Ford couldn’t tell by the sound if it worked or not, because it was far too low for human ears to detect. But Stan let out a cry and dropped to the ground, rubbing his head in the dirt.

“I’m sorry, Stan,” Ford said to the writhing elephant seal. “It was the only thing I could think of.”

“He’s mad at you,” said Shifty, pulling his head out of the ground. “But at least he’s not crazy anymore.”

“And what about you? Are you hurt?” Ford asked Shifty.

“I’m okay. It was kind of fun, wrestling like elephant seals.”

Ford sighed, relieved that Stan had snapped out of his frenzy, and that Shifty was unharmed. “You did very well, Shifty, thank you. I suppose it was good you came after all.”

Shifty turned into a dog, the way he always did when he was happy, and moved as if to lick Ford’s hand, but he paused. “Sorry, I didn’t ask if I could change -”

“It’s all right, Shifty,” Ford assured him. “You got excited. It happens.”

For the rest of their hike, Ford kept his infrasonic transducer handy, just in case the sound of the water got to Stan again. Luckily he didn’t need it. Doripea helped him grind all their gathered ingredients into a thick paste, which they applied to Stan’s body. Then, and only then, was Stan allowed to get in the lake. Ford couldn’t think of a time he’d been happier to see Stan’s face as he watched his brother resurface from the lake. He helped Stan wring his wet clothes out and put them on, then hugged him, unconcerned about getting soaked himself.

That evening, the three of them all ate dinner together, something they’d never done before, since Stan and Ford had always worn masks around Shifty. Eating at the dinner table was new for Shifty, but he took to table manners well enough. Ford could tell it would take some doing to cure him of talking with his mouth full, though.

“Why didn’t you want me to see your mouths and your noses?” Shifty asked around a mouthful of beef.

“We were trying to protect our identities,” said Ford.

“What’s an identity?”

“Your identity is, well it’s who you are? How do I explain this . . .”

“Let me show you something,” said Stan. He ducked into his room briefly and came out with a shoebox. He pulled a few driver’s licenses out of it. “These are fake IDs. Basically they tell everyone that I’m someone I’m not. They’re lies. And they’re illegal.”

“What’s ‘illegal?’” asked Shifty.

“Only the fun stuff, kid.” With a look from Ford, Stan added, “Kidding, I’m kidding! Lots of illegal things can hurt people. Like killing, that’s bad. So the government will punish you for doing those things. If I stole someone else’s ID, I could steal their money, or do bad things under their name, so they would get in trouble and not me. It’s called identity fraud, and humans take it very seriously.”

“So that’s why we didn’t want you to see any human faces,” said Ford. “Because stealing someone’s identity like that is wrong. Do you understand?”

Shifty nodded. “You don’t want me to lie and pretend like I’m a human.”

“Exactly,” said Ford. “You’ve seen our faces now, so it can’t be helped. But if you want to meet other humans, we need you to promise you won’t take their forms, all right?”

“Okay, I promise,” said Shifty. “I won’t turn into you, or Stan, or any other humans. I won’t lie.”

Ford realized he had every confidence Shifty would keep his word.

The following week went much more smoothly, now that Stan and Ford didn’t have to wear masks so much and could take Shifty with them on field expeditions and into town. It started to feel like Shifty was a third, junior member of their team.

Shifty made it clear he thought of it differently, when one night he asked Ford, “Are you my dad?”

Surprised, Ford put down the Little Critter book he’d been reading to Shifty. He shifted uncomfortably at the beseeching look from the red eyes of Shifty’s true form, which he always reverted to when tired or sleeping. “Ah, not biologically, no. I assume you’re referring to my social role as your caregiver?”

“Yeah. You tuck me in at night, like Little Critter’s dad. And we play during the day, and you take care of me. We love each other.”

Ford was surprised at Shifty’s word choice. He’d always found Shifty interesting, at least, and Ford couldn’t deny he’d become quite invested in Shifty’s welfare, but love? How did you quantify such a thing? How did Shifty even know what that meant?

“Isn’t that how human families work?” asked Shifty.

“I - yes, I suppose. I’m afraid it’s not my area of expertise. I never expected to make a human family of my own. I’m still just trying to be a better brother to Stanley.” Ford adjusted the cushion he sat on, next to the opening of the den Shifty preferred to sleep in, rather than a more traditional bed. “But you, Shifty, you’re not human. Why would you want a human family?”

“I dunno. I thought it would make me happy. We don’t have to be family if you don’t want to.”

Shifty curled around himself, rolling deeper into his den, and Ford felt his heart sink. “I do want you to be happy,” he told Shifty. And that was when he knew Shifty had become more than an experiment to him. He had more than a scientific interest in helping this creature learn and grow. He had felt that way for a long time. “You can call me Dad if you want.”

“Really?” Shifty scrambled out of his den, morphing into a dog as he went. His paws rested on Ford’s shoulders, and he nuzzled his soft, furry head into Ford’s neck. Ford reflexively hugged him back, stroking his pelt. “Thanks, Dad.”

The enormity of it hit him then. He was a father now. Another being depended on him, loved him. He was Shifty’s whole world. And Shifty was his.

Ford hugged him tighter. “I love you, Son,” he said.

“I love you, too. Dad.” said Shifty.

When Shifty called him Dad the next morning at breakfast, Stan raised his eyebrows. “Shifty’s your kid, now?” he asked Ford.

“Last night, I asked if I could call him Dad, and he said yes,” Shifty informed him.

“Really?”

Ford tugged at his collar. “Well, he is a sapient child whom I have grown to care and take responsibility for, so. It is appropriate.”

“Huh. Well, Shifty, if Ford’s your dad, that makes me your fun uncle!” He clapped Shifty on the back. “It’s Uncle Stan from now on, all right, kid?”

Shifty smiled back with Little Critter’s buck-toothed grin. “Okay, Uncle Stan.”

“Mazeltov, Sixer!” said Bill. He summoned some lavender balloons that read, ‘It’s a shapeshifter!’

“Thank you, Bill.”

“Hey, I’m just grateful you’re able to make time for me now you’re a working parent and all.”

“I’m sorry, Bill. I know between Shifty and not having the mechanical help I need -”

Bill waved off his excuses. “I told you, a solution for that is in the works. I just don’t want you getting lost in the weeds with individual specimens while your Grand Unified Theory goes unpublished!”

“Yes, of course. I’ll try harder.”

“And anyway, once you get the portal up and running, you’ll be able to find the dimension Shifty comes from. Think of how much you could learn about his species then! Things you should probably know if you’re trying to raise one of them.”

Ford hung his head. “You’re right. When it comes to figuring out Shifty, and what he needs . . . I’m stumbling around in the dark. He’d probably be happier if we made contact with some of his own kind . . .”

“Yeah, well, for now he’s stuck with you, isn’t he? With any luck, he won’t end up resenting you the way you do your dad, right?”

“Of course not! I would never treat him the way our dad treated us.” Despite his indignation, Ford was forcefully reminded of the inhumane way he’d treated Shifty all of a few weeks before, and was ashamed.

Bill clapped a reassuring hand on his back. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll do your best, Sixer.”

The deep midnight blue of the mindscape abruptly faded away, and another voice called out to Ford.

“Get out of his head!”

“Shhh, Shifty, let him sleep, he never takes a minute to rest like this . . .”

Ford opened his eyes and found Shifty in the form of a badger, scrambling to get out of Stan’s grasp. “Dad!” he said. “Did you tell the monster to go away?”

“He thinks something was attacking your brain while you were asleep,” Stan explained.

Ford shook himself awake, annoyed at himself for messing up his schedule like this. He’d only meant to sit on the couch for a minute or two . . . “Come here, Shifty,” he said, and extended his arms to Stan, who handed Shifty over.

Ford stroked his pelt and assured him, “I’m fine. Nobody was trying to hurt me. I was simply speaking with my Muse.” Really, it was quite extraordinary that Shifty seemed able to sense Bill’s presence. “Sometimes he enters my dreams and helps with my research. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Shifty looked unconvinced. “He made you feel bad. Bad shame wrong. He’s yucky.”

Ford gave an explanation that was close enough to the truth. “We were just talking about some of the obstacles setting back my project. It’s not his fault. How could you tell what I was feeling when I was asleep, anyway?”

Shifty looked confused. “You . . . smelled? No, not a smell. I just felt the, you know, the little waves, they tell you what the feelings are. I can’t feel them when I’m asleep, but I was awake. You were asleep.”

“You have a psychic sense for other people’s emotions?” asked Ford. Of course he did. Looking back, it was so obvious. Shifty had always been so confident when talking about how people felt. Ford really should have noticed sooner. “And that’s how you could sense my Muse’s presence?”

“Yes? Is that not something humans can do?”

Ford shook his head. “We can read facial expressions and body language, but otherwise, the only way we can tell how someone is feeling is if they tell us.”

“Is that why you didn’t trust me at first? Because you couldn’t tell I didn’t want to hurt you?”

“Well, yes,” Ford admitted. “I didn’t realize you were a sapient being and I didn’t know what your abilities were, or how you wanted to use them. So I kept you locked up. I’m sorry.”

“Oh. I thought I had done something wrong. I tried to be good.”

“Oh, Shifty . . .” Ford hugged him closer. “You are good. You’re a wonderful kid. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

Shifty must have sensed how guilty Ford felt, because he said, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know. I know you love me now.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t deserve to be mistreated,” Stan cut in. “You don’t have to take care of Ford’s feelings. He’s a grown up. We should take care of yours.”

“You’re right, Stan,” Ford agreed. “I know we’re at a disadvantage, Shifty, when it comes to supporting you emotionally. I’m bad at dealing with feelings, even by human standards. But I’ll do my best for you. Will you tell me your feelings so I can help you?”

“Okay,” said Shifty. “I wish you had always been my dad. I wish you had never been mean.”

“Me too,” said Ford.

“I’m glad you said sorry, though. I still love you, anyway.”

“I love you, too,” Ford assured him.

“And I still don’t like your muse. He’s mean, and he’s sneaky.”

“I’m not sure I like him either,” Stan concurred. “When you first told me about him, I didn’t really take it seriously. I’m sorry, it was just really weird. But if Shifty can sense him, and he’s actually real, well, all that stuff you said, about how he only picks one brilliant mind a century and all that? If I were trying to con you, that’s exactly the angle I’d go for.”

“But he’s not a con,” Ford said reflexively. “I don’t think I did a good job of explaining him. If you met him in person, you’d see, Bill is amazing.”

“No no no no no,” said Shifty. “I don’t want him in my head! Promise me you won’t let him in my head.”

“Okay, I promise,” said Ford, alarmed by how much this agitated Shifty. “He won’t hurt you, he won’t hurt any of us. Ever.”

Shifty was still wary, but he accepted Ford’s comfort. Ford could tell Stan had more to say on the subject, though, and he did, after Ford had put Shifty to bed.

“Ford, I’m just saying, your mind is a powerful thing. Letting some supernatural creature inside it is no small potatoes. Whatever you’re getting out of this arrangement you got, make sure he’s not short changing you.”

“Of course he’s not! Look, Stan, if you want to see the truth for yourself, there’s a simple spell you can use to follow him into my mind, next time he’s there. You’ll see, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“All right,” Stan said tentatively. “I might do that. But just ask yourself this, Ford, what is this Bill guy getting out of this? Why does he want you to build the portal so badly?”

“Well that’s simple, he . . .” Ford realized he’d never asked Bill that question before, and he’d never volunteered the information himself. But clearly that just meant his motives were pure, right? “He’s a being of the mind, Stan. Scientific discovery is its own reward.”

“Are you serious?” asked Stan. “You’ve never questioned anything he’s said, have you? I thought you were smarter than that.”

Anger flared in Ford, quick and intense. “You have no idea what the hell you’re talking about! This is just like you, to barge into things you don’t understand -”

“Hey, don’t try to turn this around on me. I’m just looking out for you, like I’ve been doing since day one.”

“I can think of at least one glaring exception.”

“Seriously, Stanford? Are you going to hold that one mistake over me for the rest of my life?”

“It just shows you have a history of ruining my work right when it’s about to pay off. You never cared about the things that are important to me, you’re only interested in chasing your cheap thrills.”

“I never cared about what was important to you? I thought I was important to you! You think I went to prison in three different countries just for the fun of it? I did what I had to, just to survive. Which I’ve had to do for over ten years, while you never bothered to stick your nose out of a book long enough to check on your brother.”

Ford’s seething response melted away at the thought of Stanley shivering, Stanley hungry, Stanley alone. “Stanley, I - I didn’t mean to imply that I don’t care about you. These past weeks with you have meant the world to me. You’re right. I should’ve tried to reconnect with you sooner, and - and I shouldn’t still be blaming you for something you did in high school.”

Stan’s gaze shifted down to his feet. “It wasn’t that I didn’t care about your perpetual motion machine. I really didn’t mean to break it, and I should’ve owned up to what I did and told you instead of trying to fix it myself. I may not understand everything about this portal, but I really do want to help you. It’s just that this Bill guy seems fishy to me.”

“And I told you, you have a chance to talk to him yourself. Will you at least try to keep an open mind about him until then?”

“I will, if you try to keep your mind open to the idea that he may not be what he seems.”

“I . . . suppose that’s fair.”

“Now will you please get some sleep? Between the kid and the portal you’ve been running yourself ragged.”

“It’s not so bad as all that.” Ford tried to shrug it off. “I think if I change the alignment on the oscillator I might get a better charge on the clux fapacitor -”

“It can wait until tomorrow.”

“It won’t take that long to test out. Anyway, I got a nap in earlier, I’m fine.”

“Yeah, a ‘nap.’ Looked more like you passed out from sheer exhaustion. You definitely need more sleep.”

“I can sleep when I’ve published my Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness.” And with that, Ford escaped to the basement before Stan could respond.

Ford didn’t want to admit it, but this whole business unsettled him. Stan was the one person he trusted best in all the world, but Bill was his Muse, the one who not only saw what Ford could be, but gave him the tools to achieve it. Now the two seemed to be setting themselves against each other. Ford didn’t want to think of what the outcome would be, should he be forced to choose between them. He could only hope it wouldn’t come to that.

Read the next work in this series

[ao3gingerswag]

Dean’s freakouts get worse for a while and he keeps trying to hide “mistakes” (real or not) that Sam makes extremely frantically trying to protect him. He gets into these like extremely paranoid fits and starts trying to “fix” everything and hide what he thinks are mistakes, with the goal of appeasing Cas’s imaginary anger and disappointment and with the direct goal or stopping him from hurting Sam. Like. It gets to the point that he starts confessing to shit he hadn’t done, and didn’t happen, because he’s trying to “distract” from Sam’s theoretical mistakes. (Like, he’ll be like I DIDN’T FEED LUNA ON PURPOSE when he very obviously did feed her. And he does this with the goal of like distracting from the fact that Sam left a dishrag in the sink.) Sam is like constantly trying to argue with him and reassure him that Cas isn’t gonna hurt them (not that he totally trusts Cas but this is post Cas and Sam emotional cat breakthrough, and post realization that Dean is like. Not stable/rational. And the talk with Cas about that. So he doesn’t trust Cas totally but like he trusts him enough to be like. Dean. Cas isn’t going to literally throw us out to die because I left a dishrag out. He’s not gonna beat you or me because I rolled my eyes at him this morning.)

Sam tells Cas about how this is happening but neither of them really know what to do about it. Sam is exhausted and frustrated, sick of seeing Dean freak out and feeling helpless, sick of trying to argue with him when he’s in a total panic mode and just have his words go completely unprocessed despite being totally true. Finally he just. Smashes a plate or something in front of both Cas and Dean, with the goal of proving once and for all that Cas isn’t gonna hurt him over nothing and Dean can stop panicking. Like he doesn’t plan this ahead of time or anything, he’s just 10/11 and impulsive, so he does it.

Dean FREAKS OUT though, throws himself in front of Sam, crying, arms out jesus style, is like begging Cas not to hurt Sam, waiting to be hit instead. Cas, very sad, comes over and is like :( Dean no. Its ok. i wont hurt you. He gently tugs Dean by his torso into a hug and Dean just collapses, just flings himself into Cas’s arms.

He sits with dean sobbing on his lap for a while, calming him down. While Dean cries into his shoulder he’s like. Sam. Why did you do that. Sam’s like. Well he wouldn’t listen to me about how he doesn’t need to be scared that you’re gonna hurt me. So now I’ve proved it. And Cas is like (insert meme) I guess! He’s like :/ I mean I guess but Sam that was not the most delicate way to go about that now Dean is in hysterics.

At first Sam is like no I’m right. See Dean everything is fine it’s all fine Cas isn’t mad at you or me (lowkey Cas is like uh Sam I’m a little mad at you you kinda set Dean into a panic attack. But that’s not the time to mention it so he doesn’t). But then Dean just keeps crying and shaking and Sam is like Dean. Dean. You don’t have to be scared. Dean it’s ok. Dean stop crying look. It’s fine. I proved it’s fine. Didn’t I prove it’s fine? But Dean doesn’t answer, still hysterical. And slowly Sam is like oh shit. IIIII don’t this worked the way I thought it would. So he starts to be like.  :/ Dean I’m sorry. But Dean doesn’t look at him he’s so overwhelmed and like maybe close to mad at Sam for the first time ever. Maybe Sam gets kinda insistent cause he’s freaked out and is like I SAID I’m SORRY did you hear Dean. Dean Dean did you hear me. :( ;~; and Cas is just like *sigh* Sam leave your brother alone. I’m gonna take Dean to bed he’s had a long day. So he helps Dean up the stairs and puts him to bed.

And Sam is alone and all shaken bc he was just trying to help but like obviously he’s realized he fucked up pretty bad. And he’s just sort of hanging out alone and freaked and then Cas comes back down like. K he’s asleep. And Sam is like :o cause he didn’t expect Cas to come back, he thought he would just stay up there with Dean and ignore Sam. But ofc Cas comes back, bc Sam needs to talk as well.

Sams like :/ is Dean mad at me. And Cas is like. :/ maybe. I’m not good with people. But I think he might be. He has the right to be, that wasn’t great Sam. and Sam’s like ;~; I wasn’t trying to hurt him i was just trying to help. And Cas is like I know. And i think Dean knows too. But like. You cant do that shit. It’s not fair to him. You cant trigger him on purpose to prove a point.

And Sam is like! But I wasn’t just being a jerk, the point I was trying to prove is that he doesn’t have to be scared!!!! And Cas is like Sam. I know. But Dean doesn’t get scared and freak out because of rational reasons. Dean freaks out because he’s traumatized. He can’t help it. It’s like an instinct. And you can’t explain it away or prove it wrong dramatically in one night. It’s going to take time for him to heal. A very long time. And it never will totally. Like we talked about. (aka the conversation comparing Dean’s mind to a scar that aches sometimes.) I know you want to help him. But you ARE helping him, every day, by being his brother and being continuously kind and his friend. You can’t help him heal more or faster by pulling stunts like that bc you’re frustrated and want him to get better quicker. The only thing you can do to help him more is be patient and understanding about his irrational fears, and not get angry with him for not being able to think the way people who haven’t been through what he has do.

And Sam is like ;~; ok. Should I say sorry. And Cas is like. Yeah, probably. And Sam is like. ;~; ok I will.

And then he does the next day he’s like I’m sorry Dean I’m sorry i hurt you. I was trying to help I wanted to prove you don’t have to be scared but instead I just scared you really bad. And it wasn’t my intention but it also wasn’t on accident, I knew you would get upset and I did it anyway bc I thought I knew better and could prove that you were wrong about being afraid. But that was really dismissive of your feelings and made it seem like I don’t think they matter. And they do matter. And I know you have real reasons that you get scared the way you do. And it doesn’t really matter whether the way you feel is “wrong” or “right,” it just matters that you’re feeling that way. I’m sorry and I will never ever scare you on purpose again. And Dean is like ;~; Sammy I love you so fucking much. 

[tryingtobeclassy]

choi san . . . how real is your love : part I

part ii.

genre: San x female!reader, college au

description: While trying to get rid of an obnoxious ex you end up in a sort of unusual situation. A fake relationship. With none other than the biggest player on the campus - San.

word count: 4.3 k

warnings: swearing, alcohol

.         .         .          .          .

“Okay.”

…

“Yes. Alright.”

…

“Just fuck off.”

You finally ended the call and for a few seconds just stared at your phone feeling the anger still going up inside of you. Absolutely furious after the conversation, you slammed the notebook you were holding into the floor and giving yourself the freedom of letting out a scream as you thought you were the only one in the college hallway at that moment.

Turns out you were wrong.

“You good?” a male voice asked you, making you freeze in your spot. Anger washing away as embarrassment replaced it.

You turned around to see a guy sitting on the bench under the window, a somewhat worried expression on his face. You immediately recognized who it was and felt even more like just dying in the spot and letting the bugs eat your body. There probably wasn’t a single girl on campus who didn’t know who he was. Probably one of the best-looking men you ever had the chance to see up close and everyone seemed to agree.

San. From all the people who it could’ve been behind you, it just had to be San.

“I’m,, fine”, you barely pushed words out of you as your mind was in chaos.

It wasn’t even because you had a crush on him or anything. You kind of settled with the fact you’ll never get a chance to kiss him or anything despite his growing reputation of a player, you just didn’t think an average you would get to beat some other way prettier, but also pushier girls on campus. But you also didn’t want to just be one of the many on his list. It wasn’t really worth it. Your sudden lack of knowledge on how a human should hold a conversation was more because of how truly gorgeous this man was that it felt almost intimidating talking to him, but also because everyone freaking knew him, it felt like talking to a goddamn celebrity. You didn’t want to make a fool of yourself, but of course when you don’t want that, it’s when your brain usually collapses to only a few last braincells.

“That was some intense phone call”, he commented, a quiet chuckle escaping his lips.

As he mentioned the call, all the anger suddenly starts piling up again and your face instantly frowns. “Yeah… I guess some exes just like to be unnecessarily intense.”

…..

“Come on, babe. Just come to the party it will be fun”, your ex, Jonah, insisted on the other side of the phone.

“Three things. I said no. Don’t call me babe. And for the love of god, stop calling me!”

“Give me one good reason.”

You roll your eyes so hard they could’ve gotten stuck at the back of your skull. He truly was as persistent as a cockroach. It’s been a few weeks since you broke up with him and since then he never stopped being obnoxious and trying to convince you that you did a mistake and how you two were actually meant for each other.

“I have a boyfriend”, you suddenly lied. You didn’t really think too much about it, but as you said it, you didn’t regret it. You even thought it might actually be a solution to your troubles.

There was a short moment of silence from the other side before Jonah finally replied, “Oh really?” At the same time he sounded pissed as well as not really believing you. “Bring him as well then.”

Well shit. Gotta try and figure a way out of that one.

“Why the hell would I bring my current boyfriend to an ex’s party?”

“Because it’s a hot party everyone from campus would like to go to”, he said while sounding completely full of himself.

You sometimes really didn’t know what you saw in that douchebag.

“And also because I ain’t buying that crap”, he added.

“I don’t have to prove anything to you.”

“I’m guessing you’re saying that because he doesn’t really exist.”

You were angry by that point, but now you could just feel your body heat up from the amount that was building up. You knew you didn’t have to prove anything. In normal circumstances he would’ve backed up by now. Hell, in normal circumstance you wouldn’t even be having this conversation, but something inside you felt like this might actually be the solution. Even though a bad one. Just as bad as the whole idea.

“Fine”, you say aggressively, “I’m coming to your stupid party.”

“And your little imaginary boyfriend as well.”

“Okay.”

“Ten o’clock.”

“Yes. Alright.”

“Try not to lose him by then since he is invisible after all.”

“Just fuck off.”

…..

You somehow ended up telling San the entire story once he got curious and said he had experience with crazy exes and he might be of help when it comes to advice. So it was one of those ‘why the hell not’ moments. It’s not like you get to lose anything. He’ll know some personal info about you, but you’ll live. You might even get some piece of advice that could actually be helpful.

“That’s rough”, he says after listening to your story.

You felt good after venting to him for a bit. Feeling all the anger slowly calming and your mind not being set into ‘smash anything in sight to feel better’ mode.

“Yeah well, now I have three more days to find a fake boyfriend.”

“Have any plans?” he asked, looking insanely invested into the drama of your life. As if he’s watching a movie going live in front of him.

“I had a short thought that I could take my friend, but Jonah already knows him. He’s not stupid enough to believe it.” You let out a deep sigh, feeling annoyed from the situation you got yourself in. “Don’t really have a plan B yet.”

“I can act as your fake boyfriend if you want to”, he suddenly said. Just throwing that offer on the table. There. It’s here. What you gonna do about it?

“What? Are you serious?” you got extremely confused by how quickly he offered that and because of the fact he actually did.

He just shrugged his shoulders as if he just offered you to keep a pen you borrowed or something. No big deal for him. “Why not?”

You suddenly got really suspicious. “What’s in it for you?” you asked while squinting at him.

“I want twenty bucks…”

Sounds like a reasonable price.

“…and I want us to go to this one pizzeria near campus one Friday evening cause then they have a couples offer where you get free drinks.”

That one’s kinda unusual, but okay. Doable.

“You want to act as a fake couple just to get a free drink?” you asked, a bit of judgement crawling into your voice.

“I want to feel the satisfaction of getting something free. And doing something illegal.”

“I really don’t think fake dating to get a drink is against the law, but sure we can do that”, you said while doing your best not to laugh at someone who just offered his help. “Is that all?”

San seemed to think about it for a second before adding one last thing, “I want you to come to a family dinner.”

“Uh, why?”

“I have an older sister who constantly fucking ridicules me how I need to stop messing around with so much girls and try and be serious for once.”

“Kinda stupid. You’re like twenty. If you ain’t gonna mess around now, when will you?”

“That’s what I told her”, he yelled being all dramatic over it. “But yeah, those are my terms. We gonna do it or no?”

He suddenly turned serious starring at you with those dreamy eyes of his and you suddenly got hit with realization that the most desired guy on campus offered to be your fake boyfriend. You weren’t quite sure how you felt about it, but one thing you were sure about is that once Jonah sees him, he’s gonna get jealous. As in jealous. And that moment is the satisfaction you want.

“It’s a deal”, you say as you shook his hand, a smirk forming on your lips.

“How about we write a contract?” he suggests. “I want to have it written that you owe me money.”

You rolled your eyes, but still agreed because of which you ended at the nearest café. It was late afternoon by that time so the café was pretty empty. Everyone was either already done with classes or currently in one so it felt pretty peaceful as you drank you black coffee and kept writing down the discussed terms.

In the end the contract said:

This is a contract between San and y/n who have agreed to fake a relationship. Their fake relationship will be built on a few rules:

1.      San has to go to Jonah’s party with y/n

2.      y/n owes San 20$, a pizza date and attendance at one of his family dinners

3.      If needed the relationship may last longer

4.      neither side is allowed to have any  other relationships during this one

San wasn’t too happy about the last one, but as you assured him this entire act most definitely won’t last long, you both ended up singing it so it was officially settled. You stayed in the café for a little while longer just talking for a bit, getting to know each other a bit better. To your surprise, San wasn’t really what you imagined he’d be. He wasn’t all that full of himself or cocky and annoying for someone who was so popular and wanted. He was definitely confident, but he also had a somewhat softer side that only showed up for a second when he excitedly talked about a plush he sleeps with, but he immediately after changed the topic and asked you for your discretion and not to tell anyone at which you just laughed.

“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe.”

Once you both finally finished the coffee, it was time to finally go home and prepare for tomorrow’s classes. Leaving the café, you said your goodbyes and prepared to go each in their own direction. But just as you wanted to turn around and leave, San suddenly grabbed your arm and pulled you closer to himself, your lips crashing against each other. You felt like your entire body decided to stop working, like your heart stopped beating and your lungs stopped taking in air, the moment you felt his soft lips against your own. His other hand wandered behind your neck as he deepened the kiss for a moment before letting you go.

“What the hell was that?” you scream at him completely flustered while his lips just turned into a shape of a satisfied smirk.

“I wanted you to know what it’s like to kiss me”, he said as if it’s the most obvious thing. “It would’ve been suspicious if I kissed you for the first time in front of someone and you got all embarrassed and weird.”

“I’m not embarrassed and weird”, you complain despite feeling your face turning as red as a tomato.

“Whatever you say, babe”, he said through a smirk, putting weird emphasis on the word babe.

You wanted to yell something back at him, but thought it would probably be better to just leave it and finally go home. The dorms weren’t that far away from the café, but instead of going to your own room, you set off to a different floor and knocked on a door that didn’t belong to you. Few seconds later, Yunho opened.

“You won’t believe the day I had”, you said as you let yourself in and plopped down on his bed.

Luckily his roommate wasn’t there so you could freely tell all about your dramatic day to your friend.

“I literally feel like you won’t believe me.”

“What happened?” Yunho asked, sounding only half interested as he was occupied with a cup of instant ramen on his desk.

“I got myself a fake boyfriend.”

That sentence alone was enough to get his full attention. “I’m sorry, what?”

“And the wildest part is”, you stopped for a second to make a dramatic pause even starting to swing around with your hands, “it’s San.”

“You’re right, I don’t believe you”, was the only thing Yunho said after that.

You started to explain him the story from beginning to end. The phone call with Jonah, how San saw your angry tantrum and how it led to making a pact with his to have a fake relationship. Even the unexpected kiss at the end.

“Is he as good of a kisser as everyone says?” Yunho asked as his eyebrows were wiggling playfully.

You rolled your eyes for a moment. “I mean, you know. He’s decent”, you said trying to act cool.

“You think it will work?” he asked finally.

“I don’t think Jonah is smart enough to realize it so, yeah, I think it will work.”

You two talked for a little while longer before it was seriously about time you go to your own room and prepare for tomorrow.

You tried to occupy your mind with studying and all the college stuff you had to take your mind away from the party and Jonah, but also away from San as well. As much as you hated to admit it, you were kinda excited to act as his girlfriend. Not many girls manage to get that so you did feel a little bit special, even if it was all fake.

The three days went by too fast and it was already the day of the party. You haven’t seen San ever since the day you made the contract. Only texted to agree on a place and time of meeting each other. You were getting kind of nervous as you were rummaging through your closet. With a hot boyfriend, you wanted to look just as hot and not like some kind of gremlin next to him, so a seriously good outfit was needed. When you almost gave up on deciding on what to wear cause nothing seemed good enough and right after you threw yourself on the bed with an extremely loud and dramatic sigh, your roommate, Liv, exited the bathroom and found you in your despair.

“Still haven’t figured out an outfit?” she asked.

You let out a whiny ‘no’ to which she just laughed teasingly before opening her own part of the closet. “I can lend you one of my dresses.”

You immediately jumped in your spot as that was a wonderful idea. Liv had way more style than you and putting on any of her nice ass dresses will for sure make you look bomb.

“I think you should go for a classic nice black dress”, she commented while going through the hangers with clothes, you still just seated on the table as if you’re five years old again and waiting for your mom to pick an outfit for you.

With both of your strengths combined, you managed to make you look just like your goal was - hot as fuck. So you were finally ready. Liv was also going to the same party, but somehow she always starts getting ready when these kinds of things already start and shows up two hours late, but that’s fine. She wasn’t your concern right now. You were more worried about the actual party and how things will go. Will Jonah really believe your fake relationship? Well, there was only one way to find out.

You met with San on a little square nearby the house. In some nice pants and a simple shirt that he tucked in he looked casual, but still like he could walk the runway any moment. When you got close enough to him, he gave you a subtle scan from head to toe and added a nice compliment, “you look hot.”

“Thank you”, you said while flipping your hair like some kind of diva, but still felt your cheeks heating up a bit. “You look pretty nice too.”

The two of you had a nice little chat as you were walking towards the house. San turned out to be someone really easy to talk to. You somehow never had an awkward silence to get between you and the conversation would constantly just keep flowing. Something you didn’t expect, but you actually enjoyed talking to him. You always kind of had a prejudice that he would be insanely boring or that you just wouldn’t have any common topics to discuss. But turns out you were wrong.

“You ready?” he asked when you were so close to the house, you could hear the music blasting.

He slid his arm around your waist and pulled you closer to himself to which you almost let out a surprised squeal, but thankfully it managed to stay inside of you.

“I hope so”, you said as you could feel your heart start to beat up and it was hard to tell if the reason was San’s arm or the fact you’re about to face Jonah.

You were about half an hour late, but to your surprise the party already picked up. Music was so loud, you could barely hear anyone talk in certain parts of the house. Some people already managed to get drunk. And it was already so crowded that it was hard to move. You and San split up for a few moments since he settled for beer that was in the kitchen, but you wanted to find something stronger to get you through this night. And just as you were mixing yourself a drink, you felt a hand on your back. At first you thought it was San who came back after getting his beer, but unfortunately you found yourself face to face to Jonah. Already. And you couldn’t even get a drink to make all of this a tad bit more tolerable.

“Well, hey there, babe. I couldn’t help but notice that you’re alone”, he said, the nastiest smirk forming on his face.

“How many times do I have to repeat not to call me babe, asshole?” you asked, anger getting into your voice as you seriously weren’t having it.

“That’s harsh”, he said in a mocking kind of way. “So where’s this boyfriend of yours?”

He really wasn’t wasting no time before getting straight to the point, but it wasn’t enough to make you lose your cool.

“He went to get a beer.”

“How convenient.”

He seemed so full of himself. You could tell he was so convinced you were lying and probably convinced he’d have you in his arms again by the end of the night. An absolute idiot if he really did think you’d stoop so low.

He continued teasing you, subtly implying the whole time how your boyfriend story was obviously fake and you were just about to say something when San suddenly showed up next to you, sliding his arm over your shoulder and surprising you with a short kiss when you turned your head to look at him.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, sweetheart”, he said casually before turning to face the man in front of you.

Your entire body felt like it was on fire for a second and you had to quickly collect yourself not to seem suspicious in front of Jonah.

“Who’s your friend?” asked San, despite being well aware of Jonah since you showed him pictures to be prepared.

“Not a friend”, you said, trying to make your voice sound as cold as possible.

The look on Jonah’s face was exactly what you hoped for and was the only thing you looked forward to that night. Complete surprise as he stared at San not knowing what to even say.

“This is the boyfriend you were so eager to meet, San”, you said with a mocking tone in your voice. “And San, this is my ex Jonah.”

“Oh, dude, sorry didn’t want to make it weird”, San immediately said and pulled his arm away trying to look like a decent guy who doesn’t want any trouble. “I’m gonna go dancing, so just find me after, okay?” he added and disappeared.

You were once again left with Jonah, but at this moment, you weren’t the slightest mad about it as Jonah still didn’t quite know what to say.

“Can you finally leave me alone now?” you asked while crossing your arms on your chest.

“San?” he asked with the most confused and almost angry look on his face. “From all the guys on the campus, how the fuck did you get him?”

“Are you saying I’m not good enough for him?” you asked and tried to seem mad although it was fairly amusing for you.

“I’m just confused.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is jealous.”

He let out a loud pfft to try and make you think how that was the most absurd thing you could’ve said. “Sure thing”, he said sarcastically before just walking away without another word.

Mission accomplished.

With a satisfied grin on your face you went to find San.

“How did it go?” he asked enthusiastically when you found him.

“Perfect. He looked like a little kid about to throw a tantrum and it was beautiful.”

San answered with a soft laugh, two cute dimples showing up that you didn’t notice before.

“I didn’t really have a plan from this point on”, you admitted.

He took a few gulps of his beer as he got lost in thought. “We definitely can’t break up after tonight, it would be too soon and suspicious.”

You kinda didn’t hate the idea of fake dating San for a bit longer, but you tried to play it as cool as possible. “You’re probably right. Jonah is an idiot, but I don’t think he’s an idiot of such a scale.”

“Well… Let’s not worry about him anymore and just have a good night. How about that, babe?” he asked and shoot you a playful smile.

“Sounds good to me.”

The rest of the night went great. You finally got your hands on a drink and the moment you stopped thinking too much about Jonah and how this whole situation you got yourself into is quite odd, it got even better. San was extremely flirty the entire night. You were showered with attention, compliments and soft touches. It all felt a bit too real at some points. He even introduced you to his best friend Wooyoung as your girlfriend and didn’t give any further explanation.

“Who would’ve thought you’d actually stick with only one girl”, Wooyoung teased him a bit.

He was quite a character. Very charismatic, but also very funny and silly – almost like a little boy.

“Anyway, I don’t feel like third wheeling any longer so you two have fun”, he said. San tried to convince him to stay a bit longer, but soon enough you two were left alone.

Well not really alone. There was still a bunch of people around you in the hallway just trying to get away from the loud music for a second. And as it seems some people you didn’t want there as well.

“Okay, don’t look, but your little ex has been sort of following us half of the night”, San said as he subtly eyed one end of the hallway where Jonah probably was.

“Jesus, I thought I was crazy when I kept seeing him”, you said as you rolled your eyes, anger once again crawling back into your voice.

You were about to say something else, but you were surprised by San suddenly leaning a lot closer to you. You were already standing with your back against the wall and once he leaned his forearm on the wall above you and leaned forward, the space between you was almost non-existent.

“I’m pretty sure I know how to get him away.”

He was so close you could feel his breath on you and it made your body heat up once again that night. Before you could even say anything he moved into a short kiss. It was so short, you weren’t even sure whether it happened and once it was over he moved a few inches, just enough to see your expression, as if he was evaluating your reaction.

“Is that all you got?” you suddenly asked, confidence you didn’t know you got pilling up inside you and a playful smile stretching on your lips.

He didn’t give you what would be considered a usual answer. But instead you were met with his lips once again as this time he wasn’t holding back. They were soft and tasted like alcohol. He grabbed you by your waist to pull you even closer to him that you could feel his entire torso pressed against yours and a wave of heat suddenly washed over you. Your hands wandered around his neck and into his hair. It was soft. So incredibly soft.

You don’t know how long you stayed like that. You were completely immersed into the moment. Kissing him felt like nothing ever before. It felt so passionate. Like all he wants is to keep you in his arms and kiss you forever.

Once the kiss broke and you both gasped for air, you just let out a half awkward laugh and lightly smacked him on the chest.

“Not bad for the biggest player on the campus.”

You stayed at the party for a little while longer before complete tiredness got the better of you and you made your way home. The rest of the night and probably the whole weekend, you spent in constantly thinking about it. About Jonah, about San. Especially about San and this whole fake relationship that he really devoted himself to the part. You weren’t sure what to think of it, but one thing was for sure. You can’t catch feelings. And that’s final.

[takoyakitenchou]

meddling; the good kind

i decided to clear up a few questions abt how Marui Zenji became Bookmaster of WGO in Genesis so ig this is also my commission payment/holiday gift for @polar-stars 

in which a double shot of jager (with some help from the nakiri cousins) pretty much cements marui zenji’s future.

If nothing else, Yoshino Yuki knew turkey. Like, really well.

Much to Zenji’s chagrin, the only takeaway he’d gotten from the American history seminar he and the rest of the PSD gang had enrolled in was that the Pilgrims rode a Dutch fluyt to Virginia back in 1620, but they’d decided to turn Christmas into a Polar Star tradition nevertheless. Wait. Massachusetts? Thanksgiving?

After losing pitifully in a game of hangman to Yukihira Souma of all people — seriously, how was the English lang and composition seminar supposed to prepare him to guess “#tarkeyshet” — Zenji had retreated to the corner of the kitchen to sulk and drink Sakaki Sake while Yukihira paraded around fixing an imaginary pair of glasses and knocked back a shot of Smirnoff Watermelon from Kurokiba’s locker at Legislation.

“Those specs really were for nothing,” Yuki grinned as she pulled him to his feet, took away his solo cup, and handed him a masher. “Come on, Marui. You can vent at the potatoes.”

Zenji aggressively articulated his ire at said potatoes to the point where Yuki had to yank the bowl from him. “The hell, are you trying to make extract? Go kill another turkey if you’re feeling murderous.”

“I’m fine,” sighed the dark-haired chef, massaging the bridge of his nose. “It’s out of my system now. But the sake is not.”

Yuki leaned in and whispered in his ear, “Sacrifice one battle and you’ll win the war.”

“Now since when have you been all philosophical?”

Without missing a beat, Yuki countered, “Since you got all mopey. Now help me bring the turkey out.”

Just then, Nakiri Erina entered the kitchen after knocking on the doorframe. The first seat took one look at Yuki with her mouth basically on Zenji’s ear and dropped her vodka. “I apologize for the intrusion!” 

She was already halfway out the door when Yuki and Zenji bellowed, “This isn’t what you think it is!”

Erina glanced doubtfully at the space (or lack thereof) between the Polar Star originals. “Um… in that case. Yoshino-san, do you mind if I talk to Marui-kun for a moment?”

“Not at all,” Yuki replied, and Erina was too distracted to notice the slightest inflection of irritation in the teal-eyed girl’s voice as she took the turkey out of the kitchen.

“How may I be of assistance, Nakiri-san?” Zenji asked, shifting his glasses and sitting on a kitchen stool. 

“I was talking to my mother earlier today,” Erina said after picking up her cup, a diplomatic air automatically washing over the area. “She was wondering when you would be available for an interview sometime in the next few days over winter break.”

Zenji gave a prominently uncharacteristic “Eh?”

With a thin smile, Erina continued, “My mother would like to have you intern with her so she can judge if I was right when I told her you’re going to be the next WGO bookmaster. I remember you mentioned something about memorizing all of the WGO guides in first year?”

Zenji blinked once. Twice. “You’re kidding me.”

“No, I am not,” the heiress replied. “I never kid.”

He gestured at her. “That was a kid just now.”

“Besides the point, Marui-kun. My mother would like me to give you her phone number so you can text her your schedule availabilities directly.” Then she added, “Also, that’s more convenient for me because I don’t have to be a mediator.”

At this, Zenji’s eyes bugged out to the size of his fucking glasses. The WGO bookmaster — and Nakiri Erina’s mother to boot — wanted to give him her phone number?

Marui Zenji needed medical care hella fast. 

“Um… I’m available whenever she is…?”

Erina shook her head. “I wouldn’t get used to it, but she’s catering to you.”

A sheen of sweat broke out on Zenji’s forehead. He pushed back his bangs and gave a long, pronounced exhale. “In five seconds, Nakiri-san, I will wake up and be so disappointed that I miss classes for the first time in my entire life.”

“You have a perfect attendance record, don’t you?”

“Yes, actually.”

“Perfect. That means you can afford to skip a day without getting detention. Unlike me and Yukihira.” Erina tapped her chin thoughtfully as Zenji made an indignant noise, then as if to deter any individuals that may have been eavesdropping, said in a low voice, “The one stipulation for giving you my mother’s phone number is that you ask Yoshino-san on a date.”

Zenji promptly fell off the stool. “Say what now?”

The eavesdropping individual made her debut just then. “Yes, well, as official relationship counselor of Nakiri Mansion and Polar Star, I am privy to some very public confidential information that you and Yoshino-san are both absolute nuts for each other. So I am prescribing you the following action: get the hell on with it already.” 

The Nakiri cousins looked extremely pleased with themselves.

“I agree with Alice,” Erina said primly. “It’s pretty obvious how much she likes you. And since we’re both extremely well-versed in the subtleties of romance, I do believe we’re more than qualified to make this diagnosis.”

“Oh, and look, Marui-kun. Your ears are turning red. Actions speak louder than words. Your silence speaks volumes.”

Zenji squinted at Erina. “Nakiri-san, am I correct to assume that even if I already had the Bookmaster’s phone number, we’d still be having this conversation?” “Duh,” said Alice. “Now’s your chance, Marui-kun.”

“I think I’d rather lose to Yukihira in another game of hangman,” he said nervously.

At this, Alice gave a sympathetic smile. “You, my friend, do not have the emotional capacity of a brick, unlike Ryo and Yukihira, so you should have nothing to worry about. Come on.” Alice grabbed Zenji’s wrist and yanked him to his feet. “She’s in the dining hall. Have a shot if you need the liquid courage.” She passed him a cup of Jager.

The scholar ran a hand through his bangs in an attempt to organize his hair, despite the fact that he already had the neatest cut in like… a ten-mile radius.

“This is for the Bookmaster,” Zenji said, trying to convince himself more than the cousins.

“No, it’s really not,” Alice replied. “Now get to it. Clock is ticking.”

“Also, every second you spend stalling is technically another second you’re ghosting the Bookmaster.”

Zenji exploded into action. He threw back the Jager and sprinted out of the kitchen at a velocity nobody would’ve dared imagine possible for someone of his figure… or his alc tolerance.

“That worked better than I thought it would,” Erina mused.

“Yukihira’s rubbing off on you,” Alice intoned. “You sounded a lot like him just now.”

Rolling her eyes and fighting the blush, the first seat waved off the statement. “As if I would ever be associated with anything influenced by his plebeian mouth.”

“Like… your tongue?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Alice grinned and tapped her cup against her cousin’s. “Damn right I will, Erina. No need to emphasize the truth.”

The others were all gathered in the dining hall by the time the Nakiri cousins emerged from the kitchen. Zenji was — as expected — sweating as he attempted to approach Yoshino Yuki.

Souma and his strangely acute senses noted exactly what was happening (read as Erina had already filled him in on the details of the plotcounseling session), and he vaguely motioned for Yuki to turn around. 

“Yoshino-san,” Zenji began, and those that knew what was going on were all surprised at how steady his voice was despite the fact that he’d just drank what had to be two normal shots of herbal liquor at an ungodly speed. “If you’re available, I was just wondering if you’d like to go on a date with me?”

Yuki’s eyebrows disappeared behind her bangs. “Wait, what?” The rest of the dorm gave an excited whoop.

“… to the Polar Star garden…?”

“GODDAMMIT, MARUI,” they all squawked. Yuki managed an awkward grin and the will to live utterly disappeared from Marui Zenji.

Erina and Alice exchanged a glance. “Call the jet.”

“Gotcha. Ryo, can you fetch the Eclipse, please?”

“It’s on the roof already,” drawled Alice’s former aide. “Come on, Marui,” Ryo continued. “You’re gonna be like the rest of us by the time the sun comes up.”

“The hell does that mean?” sighed the dejected erudite as Ryo dragged him to the rooftop staircase in the back of the building.

“We’re destroying your perfect attendance record so you don’t have more honors cords than all the Elite Ten members combined at the graduation ceremony. Don’t even think about complaining. This is for our—I mean, your—good.”

The Nakiri cousins herded Yuki out of the dining hall after him, and the rest of the social club followed.

“In you go,” Ryo ordered once they were in front of the jet. He damn near picked up the chef who was probably half his weight and chucked Zenji through the hatch. Yuki was prodded on board after him, bleating timid complaints the entire time.

Ryo briefly entered the jet and they heard him instruct the pilot, “Take them to the Nakiri resort in Kobe. Don’t let them come back until tomorrow evening, am I clear?”

“Yessir,” replied the pilot, and then Ryo jumped out and the engines roared to life.

The inhabitants of Nakiri Mansion looked rather pleased with themselves as the jet departed Totsuki campus.

“You think that did it for their first date?” Ryo asked the heiresses.

“Duh,” Alice said with a flippant wave. “Erina and I are professionals. Now, we should start planning for their wedding. It’s Yoshino Yuki getting married, so teal dresses for the bridesmaids should do it.”

Erina nodded seriously. “I’ll start tasting cakes and contacting florists. The wedding’s going to be in Malibu, right?”

“You read my mind, Erina. Turns out we’re the same person after all.”

“Hell no.”

Ryo watched the cousins dive into all-out wedding prep mode over Christmas dinner and held back a smile—whether this was out of the mellowed amusement that arose from watching them bicker like five-year-olds or out of sympathetic pity for the involuntary fiances was up to debate, but it was a smile nevertheless, and that was all that mattered.

And the rest, of course, was history.