#like it's not even that I'm scared of side effects or risks or anything

[thethingything]

finally processing that we're probably gonna have to have these teeth removed with either sedation or general anaesthetic and unfortunately I have a phobia of both of these to the point where just thinking about it gives us panic attacks and I genuinely don't know what to do because I absolutely want to avoid this at all costs but we also might not have any other option

[turtlecleric]

I Know Now

late as usual ~ nsfw, rise!donnie x reader (cw: altered state of mind)

---

“Dearest?”

“Yes, Donnie.”

"Tell me again."

You blow out a slow breath, closing your eyes and pushing down the hint of exasperation that's starting to bloom in your chest. He's worried, you remind yourself. Unsure. Hesitant in a way that you simply aren't. You can be patient, for him. 

"It will be disorienting and confusing," you say once more. "I may feel overwhelmed or scared. I may not be able to control my thoughts or actions. I may hate it."

Donnie searches your face, brows furrowed. "And you still want t-"

"Yes."

The movement of his free hand tapping rapidly against his thigh catches your eye. It makes you soften further, seeing how worried he is about this. About you. You step forward to wrap your arms around him, and his own slide around you immediately, making the bottle of pills in his hand rattle as he does. His cheek rests on the top of your head, and you bask in the comfort of his hold for a long moment before leaning back to catch his gaze. Somber, anxious eyes look back at you. 

"I trust you,” you murmur. “I understand the risks. And I still really want to do this. Okay?"

His mouth opens, but he closes it without saying anything. When he opens it again, it's with a firmer, more resolute expression.

"Okay," he says, nodding and pulling away fully from your hug. "Let's get you set up then."

He leads you to the bed nestled in the back corner of the workshop - one that he put together specifically for this. Sturdy, with a mattress that has just the right amount of give, an absurd number of pillows, and the softest blankets and sheets you've ever had the pleasure of running your hands over. The memory of when he'd first shown you the finished product makes you smile. 

It's perfect, Donnie!

Of course it is! I made it to your exact preferences based on the data I've collected over the past few weeks, and - oh, let me show you how the heating function works!

God. You love him so fucking much. 

Settled amongst the pillows now, with him kneeling on the bed beside you, your heart sings thinking about how much work he's put into this. The pills, obviously. The bed. The lectures and pamphlets and reminders that you don't have to do this - despite the fact that you were the one who requested it in the first place. Wanting to experience a taste of what it's like for him, so you can understand better but… also because you're a little selfish. He's told you countless times how much better his season is now that he has you. Alone, it had been miserable. With you… it's something incredible. And he always seems so content during his season - relaxed and satisfied and so goddamn happy. Giddy with it, even. You want to see what that feels like. 

"The effects should last approximately one hour," Donnie says, pulling you from your thoughts. The bottle rattles again when he gingerly shakes a single pill into his hand. "Don't forget that your heart rate will increase, and you'll start to feel really warm. That's normal. Oh, and don’t forget that-”

"Donnie," you call softly, cutting him off. You take the pill from him with one hand and use the other to weave your fingers around his and squeeze. "As long as I'm with you, I'll be fine."

His eyes soften, and the tiny smile on his face bolsters you. Before he has a chance to make you repeat the warnings (again), you reach over to one of the cup holders jutting out from the side of the bed and pick up a water bottle. 

(It's important to stay hydrated, dearest. Ooh! Watch this, there's a hidden cupboard for snacks that raises up when you press-)

The pill goes down easily, and Donnie immediately starts to ramble again. Reminding you of what to expect, of the contingency plans in place should you decide this really isn't for you and you need to stop. You half-listen, smirking when he falters for just a moment as you start to strip. 

You'd thought you might get a bit chilly since he keeps it relatively cold in here, but you're feeling okay even without your clothes. You get comfortable on the bed, lying down and… about to ask how long it will take for… hm.

Hm.

He's still talking, but you're a little distracted by the way his throat moves as he speaks. The way his tendons stretch and pull when he shifts, when he turns his head, or... the glimpses of his tongue, his teeth, as he talks. 

Wait. Focus. 

"-feeling?"

You blink up at him. "...Huh?" 

He looks like he can't decide between worry or amusement. It's not an unusual expression to see on his face - you evoke that in him pretty often - but something about it mesmerizes you. 

"How are you feeling?" He says again.

Feeling. How are you. Feeling. 

It's hard to focus when you're staring at him. Looking away feels impossible, but you manage to close your eyes and think. 

You feel... warm. That's right. He said that would happen. You feel… hazy. Like your thoughts have to drag themselves through molasses to make it to the surface. Hungry? No, hungry isn't quite right, but it's... similar. Like a craving. You want. You want. You feel your pulse in your throat, hear the blood rushing in your ears. You miss him. He’s right here, but you miss him. 

When you open your eyes and see him there, you feel yourself relax. His gaze is intense. Heavy. It makes you shiver, goosebumps rising along your arms and legs, and you try to focus. Focus. Try to… 

Why aren’t you touching him? It seems stupid to not be touching him. More than stupid, it feels wrong. You reach out, resting a hand against his plastron, feeling the vibrations there as he speaks.

Wait, what is he saying? You see the movement of his mouth, and you hear the words, but… the meanings slip away like smoke in your hands. Your name is the only thing you recognize, and oh, the way he says your name has you shivering again. Shivering - but you're so warm. The thought makes you smile, but it falls when you suddenly become aware of every inch that separates you from him. You place your other hand on his arm, curling around his bicep, pulling him closer, because he’s so far away. Even when he moves where you pull him, letting you wrap around him and press your face into the crook of his neck, he’s still too far away. 

He says your name again. Quiet and gentle, and you love the sound of it. It echoes in your mind, a layered whisper that soothes something you can’t put a name to. You breathe him in, nuzzling into his neck as the both of you lie down together. Arms around each other, your legs entwined, he’s right here but you need him closer. You need… something. You need…

Hands massage your back. Your shoulders. Someone is moaning and you think it might be you. You want to say something, but you can’t, can’t, can’t - there’s an ache in your chest, a burning in your stomach. Your thighs are sticky. You need- you can feel your cunt throbbing.

A brief moment of clarity. Suddenly you can understand his steady murmuring, can fully remember what's happening and how you got here. 

“-okay, I’m here. I’ll take care of you, okay? You’re safe, I’ve got you.”

You need him. You need him, you need him right now, and you have to tell him. You don’t even care, don’t have the capacity to even be embarrassed by how whiny your voice is when you finally manage to speak. “Donnie. Donnie, please. Please, I need you. Please fuck me, please, Donnie, please, I need-” 

The moment he kisses you, all of your thoughts slip away. There is only him and you and him and you and him but then he pulls away, and it hurts. You miss him. You try to tell him, ask him to come back, but someone is whimpering, and you miss him, and it hurts, and you can’t think. 

You miss him. 

His hands find you again, his lips pressing against your own, and the relief is overwhelming. Your entire body shudders, shaking apart beneath him. You can't differentiate between the touches, his hands and mouth here and there and everywhere, everywhere, everywhere at once. Someone whines again. 

Donnie lies on top of you then, arms pressed between you and the mattress, holding you close against him, and oh. The weight of him, the smell of him, the taste of him - it’s enough to make you go boneless. Something, something - his knee, you think - slides between your legs, pressing against you. You can't help but grind against it as his tongue just barely glides against yours. It’s so warm. Everywhere, everything, warm and good and safe.

You’re trembling, chills running up your spine, lighting sparking along your skin. You’re flying, you think. Weightless, somehow, with only friction and pressure and Donnie Donnie Donnie. He adjusts, his knee moving away, but before you can protest something slips inside of you. His finger, you realize after a few pumps, and it's better, so much better, but it's not enough and you need more more more-

Donnie is whispering something that you don’t understand, but his voice alone is like a balm. Soothing your impatience. Your desperation. You focus on the rumble of it, then on the rub of his jaw against yours, then on the slick circles of his thumb against your clit, then his fingers - two, now - pumping easily in and out of you. Your hips are in constant motion, your arms clawing at his arms, and you can't stop seeking him in every way that you can. Time warps - there is no time, only feeling as you fight to somehow have him closer. 

He lifts himself up, and you miss having his weight press you into the mattress, but then you feel him start to press something bigger inside of you, and fuck yes this is it. His cock - this is what you were craving, what you need more than oxygen itself, and it feels so fucking good. The feeling of him inside you, filling you up, full, so full of him. And then he starts to move and - no, this is what you need. This delicious, wet friction, the feeling of him spearing you open again and again as you pull apart at the seams. There is only him and here and now, and it’s all you've ever wanted and it's yours. 

Are you coming? You can't tell if you are or if it just feels that good to have him pumping into you. You can't seem to think past each thrust, your mind going blank after every... Fuck, are you coming? Or does it just feel that good-

One of his words slips through the mist that's replaced your mind. Mine. It makes your skin spark. You've never felt more safe, more content, more full. It's almost too much. Just the brush of his scales against your skin is enough to overwhelm you, and fuck, fuck, are you coming or does he just feel that good inside of you?

You want to tell him… something. Something. You don't know, couldn't put it into words even if you could manage to control your mouth enough to speak. You might already be speaking. You’re not sure. His voice, though, you are sure about. It's a constant echo in your mind, and you can’t understand the words but at the same time you do. You understand. Safe, pretty, good, mate, mine. Yes, yes, yes. You’re his. Forever. 

Your heart is beating so fast. Your entire body is one big heartbeat, pulsing with every movement he makes. It’s almost scary - would be scary if you didn’t feel so fucking good and so completely, utterly safe. You're an imploding star, a burning, writhing, blissed-out thing that used to be a person and that may not ever be one again. You think you might be okay with that. 

God, are you coming or does it-

That thought is abruptly disintegrated when you do come. Your eyes roll back into your head, waves and waves of shimmering pleasure lighting up every nerve. On and on and on, it doesn’t stop. It doesn’t stop, and you’re sure now. This is you coming, and it isn’t fucking stopping. Someone is crying, and this shouldn’t actually be possible. It shouldn't be possible for a person to feel this way, and it isn’t fucking stopping, holy fuck. The wave swells in a way it never has before, cresting and cresting and cresting, and- oh. You’re crying. That's you. 

breathe, darling. got you, beautiful, mine, doing so good. breathe. that’s it, pretty girl

He’s comforting you, you think. What is there to comfort? There has never been anything that feels as good as this. You’re still coming and he’s still fucking you through it, and thank god, because if he stopped you might actually die. You reach for him, but he's already there. 

mine, mine, mine

You think you might be starting to come down from that insane high. The trembling seems permanent, but you can think a little, can take in more of what he's saying now even though it's a little slurred in your ears. 

“- got you. All mine, so pretty and perfect. Smell so fucking good, taking my cock like you were made for me, like the perfect mate. So good, pretty girl, you're doing so good. I love you so-”

He's happy with you. You're being good. You're good. You're good and safe and warm, and he's here, and this is where he belongs, always. Deep inside of you, fucking you, always, always, with his fingers in your mouth and his teeth in your shoulder. You can't separate pain from pleasure. It's all one swirling, overwhelming cacophony of sensation until you feel him release inside of you, coating your insides with his come, marking you as his in every way - and it does something to your brain. You think you really are talking now, thanking him, maybe, or just- fuck, you can't concentrate, you're so full. 

Part of you mourns, even through the thick haze of your mind, knowing that he will pull out of you soon. But you're surprised to find that he doesn't, that he only needs a few moments before he's hard and pumping into you again. More sweet, incomprehensible words fall on your ears like so many shooting stars, and time continues to warp, and oh, fuck, the wave is cresting again-

---

--

-

When you wake, the first thing you become aware of is the fact that you feel so unbelievably relaxed. The second thing is that Donnie is holding you, stroking your hair and speaking to you softly. 

You take a slow, deep breath, and his words stop, then start again. This time you push through the haze enough to actually listen. 

“You haven't stopped smiling,” he says, his own smile audible in his voice. 

His hand continues to brush through your hair, while the fingers of his other hand tap absent-mindedly against your thigh. It's nice. You bask in the feeling for a moment before you respond. 

“It was like… like you said. The way you feel now, during your season. I just felt really… connected to you. Safe. And happy.” You sigh, snuggling in closer. “And really, really good. I don't know why you were so worried I would hate it.”

His hands stop. Then start again. When he answers, you can't hear the smile anymore. “It's only like that when- when you're with the person you…” 

He trails off, and you wait for him to elaborate. He doesn't. The silence grows heavy. You pull back to look up at him, but he avoids your eyes, his lips thinning and his brows pinching together. You finish his sentence for him. 

“The person you love?”

His throat bobs when he swallows, and his tiny nod makes your chest ache. To think that - even after everything you've been through - he was still unsure. Worried that the pill would not only make you miserable, but also that it would confirm your true feelings. 

Or lack thereof. 

“Donnie,” you start, but he cuts you off with a kiss. Slow, gentle, and intimate. He kisses you until you forget how to breathe, and when he finally pulls away you have to take a few moments to remind yourself of what you were going to say. “You thought I wouldn't-”

“I was wrong to worry,” he says simply, cutting you off once more. “I know that now.”

You consider pushing further, but the pleasant fog that still clings to your mind makes it hard to think. You close your eyes and breathe, trying to focus past the memory of his lips on yours. It’s hard when his hands still trail through your hair. When you open them again, he’s still avoiding your gaze. 

“You know I love you. Right?”

His eyes finally meet your own, and you see something there. Something that’s too big to put a name to but that relaxes your concern nonetheless. He leans toward you to press a quick kiss to your forehead, and when he pulls back his lips have settled back into a soft smile. 

“I know, dearest. I know.” 

---

tag list: @yorshie @khayalli @thejudiciousneurotic @luckycharms1701 @mxalmighty @thelaundrybitch @justalotoffanfiction

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT: ??? Months “Your choice”

“There you are! I was getting worried, your directions were awful for finding this café.”

“We both know I suck at directions, hope you didn't get rained on too much. Sorry for making you visit me over and over. I remember you said you’re not a fan of Hyper city”

“You know I like the rain, and this place makes it easier to visit you anyway. Now lemme just get the seat closer to you…

So how are you hun. Is the recovery going alright? Have you gotten any memories back?”

“A couple, yeah. I remember the name of that other slime I met a while ago. Sandy I think.”

“You think?”

“Memories are hard, please don't push me.”

“Sorry. Well it's good that you're healing, and you're not taking that stuff again right? 

… right hun?!”

“I'm not, I'm not. Tomorrow is the last day I have to wait before I can legally take it again. Right now I'm just wondering if I should wait longer or not.”

“Don't do anything that isn't safe hun. I know this means a lot to you, I can't say I know what you're going through, cause I'm not a therian or otherkin or whatever like you. But please be safe, I don't like worrying about you… What's that on your phone? You're clearly hiding it.”

“It's nothing, I'm just running a poll, I want to see what the internet would do in my circumstance.”

“Hun!…”

“I'm not going to make my decision based on what random people have to say. I'm probably not even going to post it. I mean it's a pretty cool, textbook grey choice. Survive less happy than I could have been, or risk everything to finally feel normal and free… Please don't look at me like that.”

“You sound a lot happier about one of those choices hun, and it makes me scared.”

“...Y'know I've actually been thinking about moving into Hyper city. Roommates are ok with it as long as I give them a few months to search for a new place. We could also visit each other whenever. There's still a lot of problems here, but it still feels like there's less discrimination here than back home. I even have a good idea for what I want to do here! I'm studying to become a psychiatrist and work for Dr. Erian. He could really use someone who has a positive amount of bedside manners. There's a couple other doctors there but-

“I thought the plan was for us to live together?”

“...We will, when things get better back home. At least here it's easier for us to see each other, and I don't have to pretend I can't hear people whispering I'm a freak. At least, not as much. Nothing's changed long term.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure, you don’t have to worry, everything is going to be fine. I’m not going to do anything stupid, but I don’t think it would be a bad thing if I started my HRT again after tomorrow. I know I can regain my memories slowly, so there shouldn’t be a problem.”

“There is a problem! You think it’s fine if you forget everything? Look, it's great that some of your memories are back, but that doesn’t mean all of them are gonna come back. You’re being reckless again. Your life isn’t something you can keep tossing around without expecting us to hold you down. Hun, you need to stop hurting yourself.”

“...I’m not hurting myself. I’m just trying to live my life. I don’t want to upset you, but you have to realize this is the most important thing for me right now. If I mess this up, then nothing is going to go well. I understand that you’re scared, but please think about how I feel. I’d be having heart palpitations if that were still possible. This choice needs a clear head to figure out. I don’t think either of us have that.”

“Maybe. You’re going to be fine right? You won’t die from this or anything right?”

“No, I’m not going to die. The doc made sure it’s going to be safe at this point. We just have to hope he’s wrong about the side effects, and before you go saying he’s a trained endocrinologist, you haven’t met him, and I don’t even think he knows all that much. Trust me, you’d realize what I mean if you met him.”

“But he knows more than you do hun.”

“Ok, yeah, but it’s clear this is still all new to him too. He’s never been right about when any of the changes will happen or what the side effects would be. He made me sign an NDA about slipping into a three day coma. He’s clearly more afraid his medical license will be revoked than any actual permanent damage he’ll inflict."

“Aren’t you breaking that NDA right now?”

“I don’t have to listen to that. Besides, as long as the internet doesn’t hear about it, then it’s fine. It's not like you're gonna shout this conversation to the rooftops… don't actually tell anyone else, I'd rather not get in trouble again.”

“So, where are you staying anyway? You said the houses here are pretty expensive right? Do you have enough savings to find a place?”

“There's a non-profit place called T.H.E.M.S, they can find me a place to stay while I try to find a more permanent residence here. They have an on-site doctor too, so you don't have to worry even harder now.”

“Hey, you can't fault me for worrying about my girlfriend! That's good there's going to be a doctor nearby. I'm glad. Stay safe hun.”

“I will, don't worry. Now come on, less talking about depressing medical stuff, more pictures of tiny foods! Right now I want to show you the cute cupcakes this place has!

“Oh they’re shaped like little dragons!”

“It's so cute, right?”

...

Click… Post sent!

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Mention list: @a-shramp , @calliecwrites

Thanks for reading slime HRT so far. It's been so much fun for Navi to write and we hope you enjoy it. This marks about a third of what we plan to do. If you're confused about the terms Hyper city or T.H.E.M.S you can check out information about them. Pretty important since this is gonna be the location for the rest of the series. Anyway, thank you for reading. It means the world to us. bye-bye!

-Sweetheart💖

[the-spaced-out-ace]

okay okay hear me out. hatchetfield/ever after high au

i maaaaaayyy have been thinking about this since. the day i saw abstinence camp. in my defense dexven and lautski are the same ship and nobody likes either of these things more than me (/j) so like. rundown of ideas i had (and one piece of inspo from a gc i'm in)

Stephanie Lauter, daughter of the Evil King: Yeah, I'm just fully reusing Raven's backstory here. Steph's born into wickedness and expected to one day inherit her father's throne and oppress her people and possibly curse the future Snow White. Which earns her respectful fear from her fellow "evil" peers, fearful respect from most of her classmates, and dread from herself, because she doesn't want to be anything like her dad, for better or for worse, even if it means risking going poof. Doesn't really help she's just not a good student in the classes assigned to her and her father keeps telling her she'll be a terrible Evil Queen anyway. Would absolutely prefer to write her own destiny. Her current plans involve doing fuck-all as an adult.

Peter Spankoffski, son of one of the Generic Charming Families: More specifically, the ones from Beauty and the Beast. One problem. He wasn't exactly planned. His big brother has already lived out being the beast and a noble lady named Jenny broke Ted's curse yeeeeaaarrrs ago, so Pete's already seen what should be his story play out in real time. And given the assumption that Ted and Jenny's kid would take on one of their roles, Pete's not sure he even has a destiny. Pretty much ostracized by most of his peers for so obviously not having a destiny. He's the only non-villian not inherently scared of Steph, and when they talk it's all like "god, you're so lucky your story isn't a shitshow" "at least you have a story" and eventually they kinda further break destiny by dating because they are literally just Raven and Dexter in another font.

Ruth Fleming, daughter of The Mad Hatter: @mythuzalasheir3 suggested this one to me and I was so inclined to agree. Ruth is so Wonderlandian to me. She's theatrical, she's eccentric and not willing to turn it down, will just say what's on her mind as she sees it. Taking a bit from the books canon, she does sorta resent Steph at first for her father going off-book and poisoning Wonderlandian magic, but after Pete urges her to actually talk to her as they start hanging out more, she sees Steph isn't as scary as she thought and very quickly gets comfortable turning up her madness and speaking Riddlish around her like she does with her other friends. Speaking of which.

Richie Lipschitz, son of the Wizard of Oz: Yes. I really am making Pete the odd one out. Ruth is Wonderlandian, Richie is an (honorary) Ozian. Sue me. This basically stems from how Richie was in charge of taping the prank in the Waylons/putting on the music, so knowing he has special effects know-how, he is going to have a blast doing the hologram head thing in the Emerald City for a few decades. He also plans on introducing pop culture stuff to Oz, too, not just more science. Nerd. I think he's iconic for it.

(Side note: neither Ruth nor Richie can believe that they're just casually best friends with a prince, even though Pete really doesn't want it to be a big deal).

Grace Chasity, daughter of the Temple Woman from The Little Mermaid: Right. History time. If you're not familiar with the original version of TLM, after the mermaid brings the prince back to shore, a girl from a Christian monastery finds the prince, and he believes she saved him instead of the mermaid. And also she and the prince are married by the end. I chose this fully because she's very proud of the fact she already has an immortal soul, and doesn't have to do anything for a happily ever after other than be in the right place at the right time. She does not give a damn about who her prince is as long as they stick to the script. Basically, she's a Royal out of necessity more than anything.

Max Jagerman, son of another Charming Clan: More specifically, he's destined to be the Rapunzel's prince. He's in with Steph because he thinks it's a good idea to be on the good side of all royals in his class. But not Storiless Spankoffski. He does NOT fraternize with people whose existence could poof away a whole story. For as much as he tries to fit the example of Perfect Royals Accepting Their Destiny, he does still have a target of affection not in his story: Grace. Being much more stereotypically Royal than him, she keeps rejecting him due to not being interested and not even part of his story. Doesn't stop him from trying.

The Lords in Black, the heads of Ever After High: Everyone has a destiny. They're here to run the school and enforce them, and also dictate the destinies of the more ambiguous cases like Charming Number Twenty-Seven or "how do we find a replacement for a character who is dead." They say there's a spider in the basement but don't even worry about it, they'll take care of it eventually.

Webby, the Weaver in the Basement: Basically taking the place of Giles Grimm, her brothers have let her have less and less involvement with destinies over the years, so she's spinning up happier endings that hopefully won't go poof in solitude. Would definitely encourage Steph to follow her heart instead of her destiny.

Henery Hidgens as the Magic Botany teacher, and also former Jack of Jack the Giant Slayer fame: man I just think this would be funny

[weebsinstash]

y'all gettin fancy with all this y/n story stuff. personally i'd just be happy to have miguel chase me down through some seedy city alleys, corner me in an abandoned building, rough me up a little, and finally pin me down and bite the back of my neck to keep me still while he's Busy. ya know, standard stuff

But like, as much as I need to practice cranking out more fics that just kind of jump into it, I also like DETAILS. I like my drama to have some MEAT on its bones.

Is he chasing you like, the day you meet? Is it an ON SIGHT kind of attraction? Is he yandere or just a possessive boyfriend? Has he known you for some time and you've finally got him all figured out and are scared of him and trying to get away? Has he been stalking you for a while and you have no idea who he is? Are you a Spider? Are you even aware of him or is he haunting you like a ghost? How crazy is this man? Does he just want sex or does he want a wife? Or are you just a pretty thing with a nice scent and like he's basically got weird side effects of his nanomachine whatevers that make him go into heat or that's Just A Spider Thing or it's ABO, who really gives a fuck idk.

But like goddamn is the, choreography? For the chase scenes and swinging through the cities so fucking good in this film, it really is an art watching how frantic things can get when you've got people who are like agile with super strength and also crazy flexibility, invulnerability, etc all running around and like, parkouring off of buildings and swinging by cars and defying gravity like some Naruto Chakra control shit like. It really does open up some real pred/prey opportunities, whether you're a Spider or an unlucky civilian

But ughhhhh 😩❤️ the helplessness of being completely paralyzed, maybe only able to talk or make grunts while he explores your body and you're helpless to stop him. Having to watch as he peels off your clothes, exposing your bare flesh to him for the first time. Anything he wants to see, anywhere he wants to touch, anything he wants to do, nothing is stopping him, and he's probably gleefully purring to you as such, either to try and be sexy as a devoted "partner" or to intimidate and scare you into being a good little hole for him and not resist. Would he enjoy a little bit of a struggle because it unlocks a dominance in him, or would it pain him because he loves you and obviously you're just a little confused but 'hes gotta do what hes gotta do' 🥺

I dunno why but I was just hit with the inspiration of "youre coworkers or whatever and Miguel designs you a suit with like nanotechnology and bullshit like his own and obviously this means he can hack the 'removal/bathroom compartment' feature to just expose you and fuck you whenever he wants". I'm picturing he's literally got you up on a skyscraper or like a construction crane or you're in some crazy place and suddenly he's pinning you down and opening your suit to shove his fingers or tongue or whatever he pleases in between your legs and like, there's not exactly a risk of falling but you're flustered by like, the time and place and URGENCY of how bad he seems to need it, and especially if it's up on a building in the city you're squirming and whimpering to him that he has no idea if anyone can actually see you two or not, but he almost doesn't even care, too preoccupied (obsessed?) with taking you right then and there. Spiderwoman, more like HIS woman, Spiderman, more like, spied on by this man, Miguel, more like..... get me pregnant 😩❤️

[dangerously-human]

The thing about this week's primary doctor appointment is I did walk out with almost everything I asked for - a referral for sleep testing, an appointment for blood work to get back on my existing meds, a suggestion for a nutritionist to meet with as a first step to sorting out my recurrent weight issues (I do not trust that field and the likelihood that I'll go is pretty low, but we'll see), even a script for Strattera... but based on the doctor's reticence and tbh kind of nastiness around the Strattera, I don't know if I should actually take it. The thing is that nothing in this world scares me worse than a depression relapse. I can do minor ones, I do those all the time in fact, but the idea of that as a med side effect scares the shit out of me, because now we're putting me back in the place I was when I was on antidepressants, you feel? And I'm very very scared of the effects of going off of mental health meds - knowing that I usually can't stay on anything consistently - having done my fair share of suicidal spins in college accidentally going off SSRIs cold turkey. And then when I tried to express that and ask what I should do to keep an eye out for it, and she said I should just be able to tell if my mood gets bad and I said well listen, I know I have a history with anxiety and depression and being autistic, I don't always notice a change right away, for her to then say, you have to be in therapy again, and you should probably go back on Lexapro, and probably your symptoms are just depression and I shouldn't even be giving you Strattera in the first place, that's when I really melted down. So you can understand where I might be a tinge concerned about taking this. Even though I actually think it will make my life a lot more manageable, on multiple fronts. Even though I'm old enough that the risk of depression as a side effect isn't so high anymore, and in fact this medicine works as a low-level antidepressant anyway. Even though I've gotten much better at staying on meds where there will be an immediate impact to quitting - I haven't had any issues with propranalol, for instance, just the ones that need blood work. And I guess, even though I'm scared, I'm also really excited by the prospect of being able to focus again in a way I haven't had for 10+ years, and maybe even keeping up with life outside of work and school. If I treat the ADHD, theoretically it would become much easier for me to stay on top of all my meds anyway. My mom suggested that I make an appointment with my old therapist to ask for her advice, and she also thought I should get back on thyroid meds first to see how that helps my attention - but the executives were dysfunctioning even before I went off that, and also it'll take a couple months for the Strattera to kick in, which would be minimally helpful for grad school purposes if I don't start now. So, where does that leave me? Idk, honestly. I guess the first step is just to pick up all my pills from the pharmacy, and then I think and pray about whether and when to take them. I wish I had a doctor I trusted enough that this didn't feel like a big decision.

[whumblr]

Escalation

Continuation from Stop. Thinking of turning this into a small series/short story.

-

Well, a fighting Caretaker who practically had to be dragged in to the compound shouting and screaming their head off was to be expected. But the little thing that meekly followed was new. Whumper watched as the two of them were brought in, his eyes lingering over Whumpee. He didn’t recognize the small figure. Caretaker’s team had been a thorn in his side for years now and he’d had his… altercations with most of the members. But this one… a new recruit? No… they were too slight, too scared.

"Where did you pick this up?" Whumper asked, casually strolling past the still fighting Caretaker. He stopped in front of Whumpee, who clung limply to the arms of one of Whumper's henchmen. They cowered back in their arms as Whumper leaned forward. He didn’t do anything, just made an exaggerated show of examining them; bending over to them, tilting his own head and Whumpee’s. And it worked:

"Don't you touch them!" Caretaker snarled and their focus on fighting off the two men dragging them to a table wavered, anger now redirected at Whumper. "They've got nothing to do with thi—” They cut off with a grunt as the two men took the opportunity and lifted them by both arms, and their back smashed into the surface of the table.

Whumper hummed. “Always so protective…” He nodded at his men and they let go of Whumpee’s arms.

Whumpee fell to the floor and immediately scuttled away from the men, scooting backwards until their back hit a wall and they cowered in on themselves.

“Well, that’s fine, I guess.” Whumper shrugged and focused on Caretaker.

"Sir?"

"Just leave them there," he waved a hand at Whumpee who sat there hugging themself, wide eyes peeking out over their arms. "They won't make any trouble."

-

Whumper now turned away from the bloodied Caretaker, ignoring their begging and he leered at the struggling mewling Whumpee. The little thing didn’t even put up much of a fight, didn’t even dig in their heels to the floor. His henchmen easily lifted them from the floor and with their soft flailing and begging, carried them over to Whumper and Caretaker.

“You know how you can make this stop,” Whumper said in a sinister voice and took a step away from Caretaker.

“Don’t you—hey… Hey! I’m still not out! If you want answers you try me! Leave them—!”

“But will you answer my questions?” Whumper mused.

“No!”

“There you go then.”

“They don’t know!”

“But you do. Are you really going to let me hurt this little thing?”

Caretaker made a soft mewling sound, a mix between their anger and helplessness. Risk the whole base? Risk everyone’s lives? They knew that once he had the coordinates, Whumper would bomb them all. Logically, yes, they should let him hurt the little thing. A complete stranger. But to actually watch that happen? After everything they had done to protect them…

Whumper peeked back and grinned at the obvious despair. He reached out to Whumpee, who pressed themself back against the henchmen. Softly tutting and shushing, his hand lingered over their cheek in mock comfort and slid back to the neck of their jacket. A familiar jacket… Caretaker’s? Probably. His henchmen let go, surrendered them to their boss, who easily took over.

"Now you know I'm going to have to ask again," Whumper almost purred this time and he pushed Whumpee in front of him, facing Caretaker. His hand tightened around the collar of Whumpee's jacket, holding them up like a dangling kitten as he reached for his knife. "Where did you pick this up?"

Whumpee squeezed their eyes shut as the bloodied knife danced into their line of vision. Whumper however didn’t hurt them yet, just slid the tip of the knife over their throat without breaking the skin, leaving a thin line of red, of Caretaker’s blood, across their windpipe. A hint of what could’ve been.

With effect; Caretaker whimpered at the sight. "Don't,” they whispered. “They have nothing to do with this--"

"So you said."

"This is between you and me!"

"You and your team and me. So if you've added someone to your ranks, they've got everything to do with this."

"They're not! I didn't! I just... found them."

The knife stilled. “Found them,” Whumper repeated, a light scoff in his tone.

“In the forest. They were lost, they were hurt. They’re confused, scared, they’ve got nothing to with this. Leave them alone!”

“A poor soul lost and hurt in the forest…” He exchanged a glance with his two men and pulled the knife away. “How far from here?”

“Gee, I don’t know because your goons blindfolded me and dragged us—”

“Yeah, yeah, okay…” He turned Whumpee around to face him, hoping to get his answers there. Even now that Caretaker was a little more forthcoming about this… little creature, they weren’t exactly cooperative. Might have something to do with the fact that they were still strapped to a table. And bleeding. And just overall hostile… after years of, well, ‘healthy’ competition.

Whumpee however hadn’t said a word yet, besides some begging. They just whimpered and stared at Whumper, wide eyes frantic. Still, scared stiff and silent was better than stoic and clamped-up. A little threat could do wonders here.

So instead of sheathing his knife as a gesture of good faith, he brought it up again.

“So where did you come from, little one?” He had his suspicions… and he didn’t like this.

Whumpee just shook their head frantically and backed away.

Whumper followed slowly, closing in on them until Whumpee bumped against the table where Caretaker lay bound. They scrambled their hands over the surface, trying not to lose balance. But when their fingers slipped in something warm, they went completely rigid and paled. They brought a trembling hand to their face, watching the blood drip down their fingers.

Their eyes bulged at the sight of it. Their mouth fell open and for a beat, their face was frozen in an expression of absolute silent terror.

Until they started screaming.

Caretaker flinched hard. Whumper actually jumped back.

“What did you do?!” Caretaker bellowed over the screams.

“Nothing! I—"

Whumpee didn’t stop. They just stood there, completely frozen in place, almost as if they were in trance. It wasn’t as much of a scream. It was an agonizing, desperate wailing. Their eyes were frantic and their pupils constricted as they stared at the blood on their hands.

“Hey.” Whumper stepped towards the frozen figure. “Hey, stop that, just—” He raised a hand in threat, but he completely stopped in his tracks when Whumpee’s eyes snapped up from their bloodied hand to him.

The bloodshot wide eyes made him actually fall back a step. “Stop them,” he croaked, looking at Caretaker. But when their shushing and ‘please calm down’s’ just drowned out in their screaming, he signalled for his own men. “Stop them!” he said again.

But as soon as just a single hand clamped over their shoulder, Whumpee transformed. They spun violently on the spot and slapped the arm away. Their screams shifted from desperate long wails, to shorter primal yelling. Almost in warning. And when two arms snatched them around their waist, they erupted in angry howls.

They kicked both legs at the man lunging at them, bucked and fought against the man holding them, their body twisting and turning in almost unnatural ways in order to break free. And Caretaker watched in shock as the tiny Whumpee went completely berserk.

With a massive display of force, seemingly too much for such a small figure, Whumpee managed to break free of the man’s grasp and at almost the same time shoved the other away from them with an uncharacteristic strength. The man crashed against the table where Caretaker screamed their own head off.

“Stop! Stop it! Leave them alone! Don’t hurt them!”

“Hold them!” Whumper yelled and joined the fight with another of his men.

The men scrambled to get a firm hold on the small and still screeching Whumpee. Arms flailed, men fell back with grunts of pain as they were kicked away, and Whumpee fought tooth and nail to keep them all off them.

With the four of them, they barely managed to get Whumpee to a knee and finally pin them down to the floor. Two pairs of hands clamped over both arms, one keeping their face smushed to the floor, two knees pressed into their back with two men big enough to dwarf them holding them down.

Still they snarled, they howled and pulled and bucked as they were pinned down. Then a hand tightened in their hair and smashed their head to the concrete floor.

The howling stopped for a second, then slowly and gradually started again in loud grunts of pain.

“Handcuffs! Cuff them!” Whumper gasped and gestured wildly, trying to take this opening.

A rattle. Two arms forced onto their back. A final click. Another as they cuffed their ankles as well to be sure. And a collective sigh of relief.

It didn’t calm Whumpee down in the slightest, though. Even restrained, they still surged and tried to break free. The blood trickled down their hands where the handcuffs dug into the skin as they tried to force the metal apart only sent them into a new frenzy. But this time, a more desperate one where they slowly seemed to accept they couldn’t break out of this one, and their screaming turned pained.

Whumper let himself fall back to sit on the floor and catch his breath. He too was bleeding and he wiped at his temple. “Take them away,” he wheezed, watching the figure on the floor bucking like a fish on dry.

“No! Hey!” Caretaker shouted as they watched two men carry Whumpee off. “What about me! You can’t leave me here! Untie me, let me take care of them! They trust me! Let me—!”

“Both of them!” Whumper almost cried, exasperated, and hurried to untie Caretaker. “Shut them up,” he hissed as he pulled Caretaker off the table. He pushed them away, after Whumpee.

Caretaker stumbled, their head reeling and swimming after their ordeal and getting dragged up so fast. But they pushed through and ran after the guards, willingly ran into the prison cell where the still wailing Whumpee was deposited none too gently.

And the cell door slammed shut behind them.

-

Continued here

@firewheeesky @myfriendcallsmeasickwoman19 @hold-back-on-the-comfort @whumpawink @painsandconfusion @mcjcxx @kira-the-whump-enthusiast @cursedscribbles

[noellevanious]

hello saw your post asking for experiences with lupron—lupron is just GnRHa (gonadotropin-releasing hormone agonist), ie puberty blockers, so anyone who's been on puberty blockers will have experience. i was on decapeptyl, another GnRHa, for a while, and it does the same thing, ie stop your pituitary gland from releasing LH and FSH (which then tell your gonads to produce sex steroids). i would personally recommend GnRHas above actual AAs (which prevent androgens from binding to receptors, eg spiro bica cypro, unlike GnRHas which prevent your gonads from producing T in the first place, and have no effect on androgens in your bloodstream from eg your adrenal glands, which cis women also have). like first of all you can normally get GnRHas as 3-monthly injections which is a lot more convenient than taking AAs which all have to be taken more frequently afaik, secondly spiro and cypro have side effects, whereas GnRHa is literally just an analogue of GnRH, which your body naturally produces, and all it does is agonise the GnRH receptors in your pituitary gland to make them insensitive to GnRH and therefore stop producing LH and FSH. ie all it does is essentially put your endocrine system into a prepubertal state where your gonads are not getting any signals to produce testosterone, it has no side effects except for the side effects of just being in a prepubertal (or postmenopausal if you like) state, ie without taking HRT you're at higher risk of osteoporosis, loss of muscle mass from lack of T, etc, doesn't have any side effects except for just the effects of hormones/lack thereof.

it's the standard for pre-op feminising HRT in western & northern europe, so if you ask a bunch of european trans women you'll likely hear more people's personal experiences with it. afaik the only reason why it's not the standard in the US is stuff about private insurance; in europe where public healthcare is the standard it's provided bc, i mean, it's just the most logical choice to prevent T production instead of using a diuretic with weak antiandrogen effects... i don't really have anything to say about my experience, it was just a 3-monthly injection i took and didnt have to worry about, basically just set my hormone levels to a blank slate so i could determine my hormone levels by just taking hrt.

thanks for all the info! i had a big scare cause like. i took spiro and was hti by the side effects in a major way, and even teh similar side effects occurred a day or two after i got my first luprine injection (a general sense of like "i feel really bad. just generally emotionally shitty. and i have no idea why: and having to pee CONSTANTLY)

but from what i was reading, people said luprine was like. a t BOOSTER until it literally cancelled out testosterone which meant side effects unless you also took something to cancel it out and i've been on e for over a year so i was really worried my progress wouldve been fucked up a bit by it

for now lupron is doin its job, no side effects rn aside from peeing a bit more than usual (and i know its a side effect because i'm VERY Hydrated these days) so i'm glad it's actually "better" for my needs :)

[bluebunnyears-08]

A Deep In-Depth Analysis Of Nine 1/9: Warped Isolation Part One

I'm going to talk about my boi again! This time it's about the harsh effects of isolation, trauma, abuse, emotional neglect, and a desperate emotional attachment that leads to a toxic and harsh cycle. Hahaha...ha...?

Now, I'm going to split all of this up into nine topics split in parts, in separate posts. Just so I don't overwhelm you all with buckets of information, and to make sure I get my point across in each of them.

Sorry guys, I'm full of angsty thoughts that I'm going to drag you in!

Now let us begin with the unhealthy effects of isolation he shows, well part of in this post, that's why it's called part one:

Section One: "I Have no Friends!"

Let's start with what his life started out like in New Yolk. It's already established that Nine has always been alone in this corrupt and overpowering city. Tails' parents are unknown in the canon, and their whereabouts are unknown. So it can be assumed that Nine's parents are the same. I think they didn't include Tails' parents because they aren't important to the game's lore or Tails' character, not as much as Sonic is.

Nine's situation is slightly more different but no less the same. While Tail's parents weren't ever mentioned or seen due to how Sonic influences the character, Nine's parents aren't mentioned to show just why Tails needed Sonic to rely on and confide in. But due to this being a world where Sonic doesn't exist, and a world where Eggman succeeds, Nine's lack of a guardian to take care of him made his world views extremely warped.

While Tails had Sonic to protect him and teach him right from wrong, Nine had nobody and learned to protect himself due to nobody showing any care for him, and as a result, doesn't have a clear idea of what's right and what's wrong. All he knows is pain, misery, and survival in this horrid place.

'Do whatever it takes to survive, doesn't matter what happens to anyone else, caring for anything other than yourself is a guarantee to be hurt, to be in pain.'

That's his mindset from what we've seen him so far. Nine only looks out for himself, he has no friends or companions and lives in isolation. It's not just out of his dislike for people, it's a firm coping mechanism.

Many studies involving isolation state that isolation can be good, however, there are deep signs that isolation is becoming unhealthy. When the isolation starts to lead to cutting yourself off from others or not interacting with anyone, it can lead to a deep toll on your mental health.

Unchecked isolation can lead to more anxiety when suddenly in contact with others, it can also lead to very aggressive behavior and higher risks of depression (which Nine doesn't have...yet.).

Now I know you guys are wondering what I'm talking about when I put that Nine has social anxiety. "He's a sassy, 'emo', mean, confident Tails", but he's actually so much more. Notice how frazzled Nine is when Sonic turns him around after breaking into his lab. I also want you to pay attention to Sonic here as well. He's excited to see what he thinks is Tails, only to be concerned and confused when he sees Nine's bad reaction. I also find it interesting how Nine's left-hand goes near his tail.

Then we get a close-up of Nine, his eyes are wide and he's breathing quickly, for a split second Nine's terrified, most likely scared and startled at another person, he also has the wrench raised as well to defend himself, which really helps with explaining the trauma I'll get to later.

Then it quickly turns into anger, not only enraged at this new intruder but also quite defensive at this new possible threat.

At first, Nine only intimidates Sonic to leave, going on walls and making himself loom over this new intruder, then he kicks him into some barrels, and tries to stab him with his tail. Some of you might be saying that Nine wanted to kill Sonic, but he only stabbed the sides of his head (and even then it would've only grazed Sonic's cheek) and legs, not his chest. They are warning attacks.

Then Sonic fights back and his attacks become more lethal, more deadly because the threat is beginning to fight back and continues to stay. Nine could've just thrown him out on the subway and returned to his lab, but he followed, wanting to make sure the threat was gone. Which makes me even more scared to know what he did to his bullies.

Things eventually lead to Nine being saved by Sonic from an oncoming train. Notice how it was because of his own metal tails he was stuck in that situation, and this stranger saved him. This leads to our next section.

Section Two: "No One Has Friends Here!"

Now we begin our next part, Where Sonic has just saved Nine from an oncoming train. Nine of course is shocked and surprised, confused about why this blue hedgehog would save him. This is another way the city has affected Nine, in a way where he was expected to help himself.

This is a moment that most likely resonates with Nine, as well as the rest of his interactions with Sonic. At this point though, Nine still holds some distrust but doesn't attack anymore. As he stands he firmly rebuts Sonic's attempts to get close to him.

To Sonic, this is a chance to get through to who he thinks is Tails, to Nine this is merely a standstill. As he states that 'fabricated stories won't keep him from fighting back', calling Sonic an intruder. That's when Sonic pleads with him to stop, obviously hurt. I find it interesting that we don't see Nine's face as he does, when I watch that scene, you can clearly tell that Nine is reacting, but you can't see his face for some reason.

Then the backstories come. To Sonic, this is still tails, so he still says 'you', he explains that Nine was 'a happy little fox' doing 'brainy little fox things'. The bullies picked on tails, he came by, and Tails was saved and became Sonic's sidekick.

To Nine, this is a deeply personal experience, so he's shocked and confused about how this guy knows that. The way he says it, he was a 'kid minding his own business but not minding his surroundings', then some 'creeps' picked on him and beat him until he did something about it.

Sonics is light and simple, but it also shows that Sonic saw it, but he doesn't know how it feels, and he doesn't understand how it could've affected Tails and in turn affected Nine. Nine's is deep and harsh, Nine knows how it felt, and it affected him badly, but we'll get to that later.

After revealing that Nine firmly states that 'nobody has friends here', and this quote holds so much meaning. Nine doesn't seem to just be stating it to Sonic or to explain things, he's also stating it to himself. It's clear when he states that that's why he hides down there, to avoid everyone, even Sonic.

He doesn't say it in a sassy way, or an angry way, the tone in his voice is rather melancholy, and his face is sad. He isn't happy in isolation. That tone, that simple line, told so much about Nine.

Sure, he's safe when he's isolated, but that doesn't mean he enjoys it or finds it fun. He sits as he does this, in a fucking fetal position not to mention, which hammers in his deep desire for love and care.

Then, as Sonic thinks, Nine's face changes from cold and hardened to rather meek and scared. Then he asked, with hesitance, "So...what else did we do?"

He states 'we', not because he immediately believes Sonic and his whole "I'm from another world thing", but because not only does this person know he was bullied, but they state they saved him and became friends.

Friends. Something he clearly wants no matter how much he denies it. He lives in isolation to protect himself, to protect his mental state, then comes this person who tells him that he was capable of being happy of being loved.

Notice how Nine treats Sonic from now on after Sonic tells him what they did. He isn't as cold with him as he was before, he's slightly more open with the hedgehog, and it's understandable, Sonic was the first person to treat him with a sliver of kindness. And Nine finds he likes it.

Sonic tells him how he and Tails beat Eggman multiple times, and Nine stands up, clearly amazed and joyful at the thought of beating what was to him, a horrible dictator who brought him nothing but misery.

As Sonic walks towards him continuing, Nine still takes some steps back, cautious. Then Sonic touches his should and:

He's surprised, and after he processes it, a little smile makes its way onto his face! D'aww...

Then Sonic tells him that when they stick together they never lose, which visibly touches Nine.

After that, Sonic's shoes smolder, and as Nine points this out, Sonic whines and pouts, leading Nine to state he hates whiners more than people. He pulls out a gun, and Sonic panics, only for Nine to calmly tell him to stay still, smiling at the hedgehog as it scans him.

The lighting is all wonky so you can't really see it here, but it is there. They head back to Nine's lab, and Nine works on making something to regulate the energy within Sonic. Sonic, after glancing around, compliments Nine's tails, stating that he's amazing.

This surprises Nine, before he simply says 'sure', not knowing how to respond to that. When he's finished he goes on to explain how the doodads work, and puts them on Sonic, being surprisingly mindful of his tails, not actively hurting Sonic, and makes sure they don't poke him.

They're both surprised to see Sonic's shoes and gloves change, Nine pondering how that's possible as Sonic zips around in his usual bubbly excitement. After that, Sonic races out of his lab, wanting to test them out, with Nine for a split second panics and goes after him, explaining it's not safe.

I'm surprised that Nine went after Sonic instead of just going 'welp that was weird now that that weirdo went I can go back to what I was doing', he goes 'oh shit...I gotta protect this guy', and goes after him. Some of you might say that he went because Sonic has all this weird energy and he wants to test it, but I disagree because if it was, Nine wouldn't have cared to make the gadgets that regulate it.

Welp, that was a long post, HOWEVER, this is just part ONE of the isolation exploration effects on this broken fox kid's mind and just a fraction of the overall exploration analysis in all, part two will most likely come tomorrow. See y'all then!

[crazykuroneko]

The Newsreader S2 Ep 5

a.k.a where I'm clutching my fist the whole time because Rob's family are racists to Noelene, and, let's be frank here, Dale got raped by a stranger

OMG THEY'RE STILL ACTING THEY'RE TOGETHER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE 😭

Helen has been thinking about going overseas I see

They used a lot of overhead zoomed in shots on objects at the start of The Walters school scenes

The score when Evelyn saw Helen and ran up the stairs is 🤌

LINDSEY IS KAY'S GODFATHER???! omg they really have no life beside work, don't they?

Oh Helen. She did say if something happens they  have to tell the other, but she didn't say anything about Charlie 😔

Reminding your child you're also her landlord and not respecting her space is NOT the way to do it Geoff

Gerry wants to be the middle man when he hasn't known Helen/Dale has broken up and knew they're monogamous is kinda 😅

They really should have chosen the more private area 

Tim is such a great guy, but Dale keeps only using him as a rebound or to scratch his itches. If I were him, I wouldn't want to see Dale anymore

We hate to say it, but Dale is basically just got raped. Like, he definitely looks like he doesn't remember anything from last night with that guy. That, on top of his existing trauma, heartbreak, and his self-worth being crushed knowing Helen has been going to Charlie is insane. oh baby

NOT ROB'S FAMILY BEING RACIST TO NOELENE. "we're okay eating chinese" SHE IS KOREAN! "is there MSG?" CHINESE PEOPLE ALSO HAVE TRADITIONAL FOOD YOU SINOPHOBIC 

thank god Rob spoke up. but KONNICHIWA?? okay

yeah, her potential sister-in-law IS def racist.And expect her to be a stay-at-home mom like her. Noelene is definitely what Helen's running from. The thing is I think Dale and he mom would love her to keep pursuing her career. But it's very understandable for her to get scared about that and the children

"I intend to stay clean with or w/o my parents' support" GO KAY

God, the scene where Helen and Noelene hear Kay's words is so powerful. "A model daughter" is about three of them. And the directing. UGH beautiful 

And the words about the parents and children. Parents who choose the children, or choose each other. Powerful

Good portrayal of an addict

Thank god Rob is asking Noelene. But his words are kinda... he needs to stand up for Noelene more in front of his family and others if he wants it to work out. 

I think this episode is also a foil to Helen's mistake in Ep 1 when she didn't really care about the side effect airing the shooting location. Here Kay shows her that the news will affect her even when it's herself giving the story. 

LET'S GO HELEN. this is insane. she's only doing this because Dale aka her voice of reason has tapped out. But it will save Kay (which The Walters don't deserve).

I remember my take away from watching S1 is that Helen/Dale has a power imbalance and they're codependent. And this episode really shows us the risk of that codependency. They both go off the rails now omg

[lordmushroomkat]

hi sorry to place a mild rant here i just cant do journaling to myself. So i got diagnosed with pcos and i just got birth control to take. And i dont know how to feel about it. Im genderqueer but not ready to come out and like E was the only option they gave me and since im a teen i didnt know, still dont know, how, if, when i can tell these people that i dont think this is what i want. Im writing this right before im supposed to take my first pill and im scared. Scared i will hate it and will have to live with that because i just cant come out. But im also scared it will make me feel better. Do as my mom says and make me less tired, less cranky. Im scared that when she says that she is doing this because its the best for my health, that she is scientfically right. And my dr even mentioned how i didnt seem to care about anything they were talkin about (pills-side effects, “benefits”) but like after the fact i realized that i could have said that i didnt care because all that she wasnt going to improve my life in any fucking meaningful way. Like body hair? Love it. Or well i would like to remove some not all of it, and not feel like in removing like stomach hair that i was agreeing that i was a women or that hair is disgusting. Because i would remove hair for myself ya know. Not for the preconcieved idea of who i am and how i should look. And acne? If i cared id actually put my acne cream on. Fertility? Dont want children, and they talked about unwanted random fertility but im ace and sex repulsed. Beyond the first visit they didnt even mention cancer. Ive been telling myself im going to take these pills to prevent cancer in uterine lining. And im scared to look up how true thag is. I mean on how e decreases these helath risks. Im scared theyre right. Im scared their wrong. I will fucking riot if they are lying because that means this is for nothing. Im scared it wont give me gender dysphoria, scared i will have dysphoria because it wull peel layers off the dissasosiation i face. and before all this i was planning on making my mom a presentation about intersex people and gender. Because shes supportive just a littl confused and not radical, im radical because grief has made me angry and i want to let her in on it ig. But i dont think i can do that anymore. Because i would have pointed myself out as intersex. Imply she could be too if she liked the label. But im scared that her being cis, and having struggled with weight and eating when she was a teen (and that pcos effects weight) would mean she would hate the idea. Would call me wrong or cite drs. She told me to shave under my arms once, for the convience when traveling light on vacation so that deodorant worked better?? And hours after she said it i realized if i existed for ease i would crase to exist. But im worried whats a good ease for her would be a killer for me. Idk anymore. i guess any advice? But that will probably be to come out and i dont think i can do that. any research or resources that proves im allowed to be angry? I think im just looking for people to tell me im normal for feeling this way. Having a bad day. Thanks for any.. help? Hope this wasnt triggering or anything, i just saw that you were nonbinary with pcos too- and yea. Okay bye

I really don't know if I'm the right person to answer this. I was already out as non-binary for years before I got my PCOS diagnosis. When they said "take these pills" I asked about the other options and they gave me none so I simply refused to take the pills. But I'm like,,, I don't super care about the negative affects of PCOS. I'm casually suicidal all the time and I'll keep living for my family but if something kills me I'm pretty alright with it. I don't really expect to live much longer than like, a handful of decades and like honestly the world is on fire so it'll probably be shorter. So like, my perspective on this is not necessarily a super healthy one? I'm fairly apathetic about my own existence.

But like, I understand your struggle here with wanting to explain the PCOS=intersex connection to your mom but knowing she'll respond poorly because she also has PCOS.

I really don't have any solid advice here. Just... I guess, consider really carefully how you want to feel in your body. If you've been enjoying the superficial changes the PCOS has done to your body with this weird little second puberty, maybe you should consider advocating for yourself a little more firmly about it. Your future health is important but so is your current comfort in your body.

[self-loving-vampire]

Would you still get robo-bits if it was the kind of future where you need to buy a lifetime's worth of immunosupressants (to keep them functioning) that are produced by a megacorporation known for lacing their products with orphan tears and rat hair or whatever?

With the disclaimer that this isn't really how prosthetics seem to work in real life:

It would depend entirely on the calculation on one's quality of life.

A lot of people are really scared of having to take medicine for life, but for a lot of disabled (And trans) people that's just part of their routine and far better than the alternative of not having access to said medicine.

Even for conditions that are not immediately lethal or anything, using medicine regularly to manage them can make your life better.

For example, a lot of people in intense and frequent pain would have a better quality of life and ability to function if they used painkillers, even if their issue was chronic and they ended up needing them for life.

It's all about what makes your life better and more satisfying, not about using medicine as little as possible.

And of course, if the trade-off looked like the prosthetics would not improve your life enough to be worth it then you can just not do that as well. Just like how after I had surgery I decided to use regular painkillers rather than opioids after analyzing the list of risks and side effects provided for them. It was fine.

(Also I did 80 squats immediately after surgery one time because I was just so happy about not being in constant physical pain. Probably a concerning sight for all the nurses but it was fine. I'd like to say I'm just built different but since I do have chronic fatigue I was really tired and sore for days as a result.)

[these-written-reveries]

I'm genuinely avoiding getting out of bed bc that means I have to get going with my day which means I have to make the call to my gyno to schedule an iud insertion which I still don't even want, but I have to bc I have endometriosis -that which I had a surgery for 6 months ago and I've been avoiding making a decision on this iud ever since bc it scares me. Not just because of the obvious side effects/scary things that are rare, but can happen with iuds, but also bc I'm chronically ill and I have GERD, which is a fucking monster to tame on a daily basis, but it can be made worse by birth control (I've already experienced it with the pill and it was hell). Idk if this one is gonna do that or not, but if it does, that means I will either have to take a PPI full-time for my GERD (which I don't wanna do bc I'm young and it's linked to bone density loss when taken for long periods of time) OR I will have to have the iud removed and just pray the endo doesn't grow back very fast and cause me to need another surgery in the next year or 2...which...if I'm being honest, I'm already starting to feel slight pain that I have associated with endo in the past, so that's not really reassuring. This iud is thought to be the best option for treatment bc it's supposed to slow down the growth of endo by thinning the lining of your uterus and preventing you from having periods. It is also basically the only option for treatment besides surgery so...yay me!

I care a lot about my health and I've developed a lot of anxiety surrounding my health as well. I don't like doing anything that risks ruining the balance I've worked so hard (and am constantly working hard) to maintain. At the same time, I know I need to at least give this iud a try, as it is my only option and who knows? Maybe it'll work great for me? That doesn't mean it's not scary as shit though.

Even though it's technically my choice at the end of the day, I feel like I don't truly have a choice at all. If I wanna take the best care of my body, I have to try this. Because, it's all I have, other than trying to go with basic natural treatments which I'm already doing and aren't really backed up by any solid science/tests. So...this is it for me. I have to be brave and try, but I'm so tired of being brave all the time 😫 I just wanna live my life and not have to think so fucking hard about my health 24/7. I don't wanna make decisions anymore lol. Can someone else just like...take the wheel? That would be great.

Anyway, I'm gonna do it. It's already 2pm, so if not today, then definitely tomorrow. I can't put this off any longer.

[fact-anonymous]

I'm an introject of a historical figure who was, undeniably, on the wrong side of history. I've mostly accepted that my source was an awful person, & don't feel too bad about it. The only thing that gets to me still is how I can't be open about myself as an introject. I'm too nervous about how others will perceive me. I know many people who say they accept introjects "of all sources", even "problematic" ones. But I'm scared that, even if they won't admit it, there's a limit to how "problematic" my source can be before they start to disrespect me & my system. I fear that people will accuse me and/or my headmates of sympathizing with my source or his beliefs, as if all introjects are formed out of adoration, or because their sources bring comfort to the system. I formed because my system was exposed to information about my source while we were stressed due to new responsibilities. Our brain felt we needed someone new to cope with all of the new stuff we had to due, felt it would be easier to copy something than to make someone from scratch... and now here I am. But of course, people won't assume that. They'll assume someone in the system must like my source, why else would an introject form? And I shouldn't have to prove that that's not the case, I shouldn't have to explain my formation to someone to avoid accusations of sympathy with my source. What caused me to split should be my business & my business only.

It's not just the fear of what others will assume from me that's keeping me from being open, though, it's also the fact that my existence will make people uncomfortable. I've accepted that that's not something I can change, that there will always be people made uncomfortable by me, and they have just as much a right to be uncomfortable as I do to exist. But how I wish it wasn't the case! How I wish I could just say who my source is without having to worry if I'm making those around me uncomfortable! But it's too much of a risk in most spaces. Maybe some all Fact- spaces will be fine with me, but I still worry that others will be uncomfortable, even if they don't mention it to me. Of course, I want to believe that everyone does & should have a right to be open about who they are, but I feel as though I'm an exception.

The most specific I've ever benn about my source with anyone outside of the system is saying that my source is "a historical figure who was a bad person". Once I sent an ask to an ask/submission run introject themed blog (not saying who, I don't want anyone angry at them for this. They didn't mean anything by it, I'm sure.) in which I mentioned that my source was a bad person. They deleted the ask, and then made a post about "how bad they felt for fictives of villians, how hard it must be, poor you, but I accept you!, e.t.c. e.t.c." I had mentioned how my source was a bad person in a lighthearted manner, and I felt my tone demonstrated that I am no longer bothered by this fact. So what's with the pitying? And why did they assume that I'm a fictive? Is it just because fictives tned to be more common (or at least more visible) than factives? Or worse, is it because they didn't want to accept that the person sending them asks had a source whose actions have effected real people, not just fictional characters? Do they, even if it's just subconciously, see introjects (or, if we're being more specific, factives) as their sources, and assume that I must have, at some point, shared morals with my source? I ended up sending in a second ask clarifying: My source is a real person, & denying that he was wrong is irresponsible & just plain wrong, so I had to learn to accept it, which I have. Other than the ask I'm currently typing, that's the only time I've been that open about my source. And I fear that if I had to explain myself after only mentioning that my source was a bad person, how much more will I have to explain if I say how exactly he was bad? If I mention him by name? If I use my real first name, his first name, in the same place I mention anything about my source, & someone figures out who I am?

I'm sure there are people out there who I can be open around. But I believe it's too risky for me to find them. If I try finding people irl, & they don't accept me & decide to tell others, it can effect my life. If I try finding people online, & they don't accept me, they can screenshot it & there will always be a record. Hell, even if they don't take a screenshot there will likely always be a record on some server somewhere.

I don't know how to end this... essay? ...confession? It feels too personal to be an essay, but too long to be a confession, and I don't know what else it would be. Tag it as you see fit, I suppose.

-Blue

hi, Blue, thank you for your patience. accepting yourself is the first step to being comfortable with your existence, and i'm proud of you, happy for you, for doing it 💙

i understand, even if i can't relate, that it's difficult to show yourself in factive/plural spaces when your source has done atrocities. it's valid and really reasonable, imo, to be nervous about it. i'm sorry to hear that people haven't been accepting to you. that even "problematic" spaces haven't respected you. it's not fair that your sheer existence is so risky to show, and I wish it was easier. ;_;

They deleted the ask, and then made a post about "how bad they felt for fictives of villians, how hard it must be, poor you, but I accept you!, e.t.c. e.t.c." And why did they assume that I'm a fictive? Is it just because fictives tned to be more common (or at least more visible) than factives?

as for that blog thing. i don't understand why people use "introject" only for fictives, as if factives don't exist. and yeah, they're more visible, for sure. but people still shouldn't assume that introject always equals fictive.

Or worse, is it because they didn't want to accept that the person sending them asks had a source whose actions have effected real people, not just fictional characters? Do they, even if it's just subconciously, see introjects (or, if we're being more specific, factives) as their sources, and assume that I must have, at some point, shared morals with my source? I ended up sending in a second ask clarifying: My source is a real person, & denying that he was wrong is irresponsible & just plain wrong, so I had to learn to accept it, which I have.

It could be. and a lot of people think it is, i think it might be the effect of capitalism (and stereotypes). where consuming media defines your identity and morality. it manifests in people saying "you're a bad person if you buy from amazon" "you're immoral if you like villains" or "you can't be gay because you don't listen to music that white american gay people like". so they always see introjection as based on media/source consumption, and consumption is based on interest/fandom/comfort, and thus based on support. because that's the stereotypes of plurals - "hyperfixation means introjection". which is NOT true for so many systems!

(we don't split as we're walk-ins, but know you are not alone. a lot of us don't come here based on fandom/interest/comfort... hell, some don't even come from consumption of the associated sources - as in, the brain doesn't know the media/person. we're just here. some of us even make the brain extremely uncomfortable.)

also,, a lot of people have this thing about shame. that we have to be ashamed for existing, have to beat ourselves up for our source's actions to be a Good Factive. but that is a very unfair thing to enforce. you shouldn't have to be ashamed for yourself or be pitied or patronized for your identity. i think it's good that you've accepted yourself and the fact that your source has been harmful to others 💙

They'll assume someone in the system must like my source, why else would an introject form? And I shouldn't have to prove that that's not the case, I shouldn't have to explain my formation to someone to avoid accusations of sympathy with my source. What caused me to split should be my business & my business only.

you are right. introjects do NOT only from from likes/interests/fandom/comfort/support. you are, and do not have to be, like your source morality-wise. your system's morality isn't like them. and you should NOT have to justify your existence and explain why you split. no one else but you is entitled to that info, and i'm glad you know that.

i hope this helps a little. also, I suggest @problematicfactive - they might be able to assist you more on this topic.

all the best, Blue, and please take care of yourself. know that you and your system deserve respect, no matter what.

-mod espresso

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

Well, Kamado already is like "yeah we might have to kill them if this doesn't end soon. Just in case they're the ones causing it." So at some point he seems to have just stopped caring that Ingo wasn't his, though he'd probably kill Akari first since he can do whatever the fuck he wants with her and the clans can't really say shit about it. And then if killing Akari doesn't work would he kill Ingo too.

In a fic where he orders only Ingo's leg(s) be broken, it could be that the commanders asked for leniency on Akari's behalf, and rightfully said that she'd be too scared to cause problems after that. Iirc he'd easily kept hold of her too, even though she was flailing all over the place, so it's not like he'd need help subduing her if she put up a fight. This could be right after he gets back from seeing the frenzied gods, since he literally catches them in the act of trying to escape in OoP. He'd already be freaked out and more paranoid then ever like he is in the fic, but he just takes it a step further. He can't risk them getting away, not if they're the key to stopping this. What's a little leg breaking in the face of the looming possibility that he might have to kill them both? Correct me if I'm off the mark, but it kinda seems like at this point in the fic he has stopped thinking about possible clan fallout if he goes through with killing Ingo. If he took a second to think about it he might care more, but he's got paranoia blinders on.

In a fic where he breaks one on accident by jumping off the cliffs once he gets to a safe height, does he just ride around in Lady Sneasler's basket? Sure Cabala could probably fashion something like crutches, but he's got an handy ride already at his side. Plus, if he's got stress fractures in his other leg too, which is likely, crutches could exacerbate them. Best to keep him off it. He'd still want to do his job though, so he could do it while traveling with his noble.

As for chronic psychosomatic pain/nerve processing fuckery, perhaps it stays with him when he goes back to Unova. Emmet gets to be horrified that Ingo is occasionally in near debilitating pain and just powers through it without letting anyone know.

YEAH THAT'S TRUE. i guess i was thinking of like, an even more divergent version where he decides to do it before anything else happens, but if he's already in the middle of his seeing-god-induced paranoia spiral and just saw them try to escape then yeah breaking his leg would actually seem very reasonable. he mentions that some of his captains feel an "undue attachment" to akari which could even be another justification for why he chooses ingo, not akari: at least all the people who care what happens to ingo are (he thinks) far away and not an immediate problem. if he injures akari that seriously cyllene will not be happy, and at this point in time he's still hopeful that he can convince her that the murder idea is a necessary course of action, which will get significantly harder if he pisses her off now.

conversely, he knows akari well enough (since he acknowledges that she's "kind and helpful to a fault") to know that he doesn't actually need to hurt her physically—seeing someone else injured in a way that can be blamed on her will deter her just as effectively. so if he just has beni keep ingo out of the cell when he throws akari back in, and makes her watch from the other side of the bars while they do it...

re: other scenarios, i imagine they'd weaken over a long period of time and then he'd break one doing something really stupid and uneventful like, yeah, jumping five feet to the ground or something. which calaba would probably grump about. how long have we known about stress fractures for? does she think this is a completely isolated incident. only man she's ever met who can survive a faceoff with a frenzied alpha but breaks a leg falling off a ledge shorter than he is. i can't imagine riding around in a basket is very conducive to correct healing though, like it'd be all folded up and jostled around that doesn't sound good. really the best thing would be for him to Stay Off It but he has a JOB

and oh yeah it's for sure permanent. ngl i'm imagining this as some kind of pladoption postcanon event and akari's the one who rats him out, as part of an ongoing debate where akari's like "if you're in pain all the time that's probably bad i think" but ingo insists this is just how having a body and aging is, he's fine it's normal it's just a thing you gotta Learn To Live With, so she just has to be like :/ that doesn't sound right but i don't know enough about humans or aging to refute it. and then she brings it up when they're home bc he's visibly having a bad day and emmet sides with her and she is VINDICATED. which she cant actually be that happy about bc it also means there IS in fact something very wrong with him

[sawtrap]

i hope it's ok for me to offer up my experience w T and hair genetics, but if you're in contact w your bio mom and can ask about it or at least know what any of her male relatives look like, that can be a really good idea of what will happen hair wise bc afaik hair genes and specifically male pattern baldness are carried on the X chromosome, so you're going to be looking at either your mom's male relatives (especially your uncles and maternal grandfather) or your paternal grandmother's brothers. my paternal grandmother had literally no male relatives, and while all of the men on my dad's side balded early and severely, my mom's dad had super thick hair his whole life that never even receded and i realized after a while on T that i basically have his exact hair genetics (down to sharing the same cowlick.) i also don't know any trans men who started balding at all after they went on T, outside of someone whose hairline receded slightly but still looks good (if anything it's more masculinizing,) and one guy who was also a heavy tobacco user and lost all his hair almost immediately, and afaik tobacco use WILL make you bald immediately on T and is the biggest risk factor for balding on T more than anything else, so if you dont use tobacco or quit before you start you'll probably be ok. take all of this w a grain of salt, but also my biggest advice might be to keep an open mind? there were a lot of things about T that i was really scared of and didnt want, but i ultimately decided the pros outweighed the cons and now those things i was afraid of are some of the parts of my body i love the most. and it's also ok to never go on T!! YMMV no matter what you decide to do, but no matter what i wish you the best of luck with it

thanks so much for this it really helps a lot! i definitely inherited the hair i have currently from my dads side of the family, as my moms family has much thinner hair, but while i don't believe my grandma has any brothers or discoverable male relative photos she never talked like baldness would be an issue for my dad i guess? so hope 🤞

i'm sure you're right that if the other effects help this won't really matter in the end and i'll quickly get over it if it does happen, i've just always had this spiky blonde dream </3