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cherriesradio · 4 years

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Poly! SFW alphabet Sero + Denki !!

Credit for the template to @the-coldest-goodbye !!

Warnings: slight angst

Word Count: 1.7k

A = Affection

Sero isn’t TOO affectionate, he like giving you + Denki affection but doesn’t really love getting it himself :/ which is fine, but both of you wanna spoil him SO BAD

Denki is VERY affectionate!!! Whenever he’s walking by he’ll kiss the others cheek/shoulder, and he’ll hug them from behind when their cooking, hold both of your hands in public, unless one of you ask him not too

B = Best Friend

Sero was first friends with Denki but eventually you got into their friendship, and he adored you since the beginning. You were so funny and cute and even if you aren’t smart he doesn’t really care, he’s friends with Denki after all.

Denki was friends with you since you were kids but you transferred to UA in the middle of first year. He introduced you to Sero :) he loves doing “favors” as he puts them, like buy you snacks and will get anything you need from the store if he can afford it (will likely use his whole allowance on you two)

C = Cuddles

Again, Sero isn’t to into getting affection. He’s mostly the big spoon but if he’s feeling bad that day/night/afternoon he’ll ask if he can lay his head on you or Denki’s chest

Denki loves cuddles, at first he would accidentally shock you two because he got to excited. Is often in the middle of all three of you are cuddling. All three of you mostly cuddle at night, most other times it’s just you and Denki, sometimes while Sero does work and play music in the background :)

D = Domestic

Sero cooks the most cause he’s the only one who wasn’t scared to cook with Bakugo. He’s not near as good as him but he can still cook. He hates cleaning but will remind you and Denki when you clean the apartment.

Denki doesn’t mind clean but HATES washing the dishes. If it’s his turn he just shoved everything in the dishwasher that barely works because he broke it ten times and tried (his best) to fix it.

E = Ending

Sero, if he broke it off, would break it off really gently. He would be really nervous and you both would try to hold his hand but he would shake them off, softly mutter “I’m not happy like this anymore.”

Denki would be overwhelmed. He would be fidgety most of the day, he’s the type who gets so comfortable he can’t imagine leaving. So he just keeps it in till you two start noticing that he’s fidgety and nervous a lot and then finally tells you two.

F = Fiancé’s

Sero isn’t very sure. He’s scared of commitment but in the end realizes that he wants to be with you two for his whole life, and that he is a better person because of you both.

Since the start Denki wanted to marry you both, but he thought of it as teenage bliss. But once you were out of college and hero’s, and you were still together, he brought up marriage.

G = Gentle

Sero is often gentle. He can play around really wild but at home when it’s chill he’s really soft and sleepy often times. But he does admit that he once gave Denki a bruise from playing to hard-

Denki is capable of being gentle. If he’s cuddling or comforting one of you, he’s really gentle and soft spoken. But other times he’ll poke your sides and zap you, or play wrestle.

H = Hugs

Even if he’s not too into affection, he’s really good at it. He does that thing where he wraps his arm around your middle and then the other is sat on your head, probably accidentally pushing you into his neck.

Denki loves to pick you two up and spin you around when he’s excited!!! When he’s a little more ~chillax~ he’ll pick you up wrap your legs around his waist and wzhrdkkeasjpifvfwqwonf

I = “I love you two.”

Tbh Sero said dropped L-bombs even when you were just friends. A lot of the time when you made him laugh is would get out and a few years into the relationship he admits that he meant it almost everytime

Denki says it pretty early into the relationship. Not like “we’ve gone on three dates and I’m in love with you” kinda thing but a about two months in he says he thinks he’s in love. You and Sero say that your not sure if your ready to sya it yet, and he’s completely okay with it.

J = Jealous

Neither of them get jealous of each other. There have been times before you all got together when they would get a little mad at other people for checking you out (and you would too lol) and start getting extra clingy but besides that their chill.

K = Kisses

Sero is the one more into on-the-mouth kisses. By that I’m not saying he needs them constantly, I’m saying he likes them more then Denki. He often uses quick pecks as hellos and longing, “you probably lay in bed tonight TJ knowing of it” kisses. If he’s bored he does those Spider-Man kisses, and if your a little to far he’ll use his tape to pull you over.

Denki isn’t as into on-the-mouth kisses. When you were only friends you had a inside joke where he would kiss both of your hands when greeting you both. As I said before he likes kissing your cheeks and foreheads, ADORES the “getting both cheek kissed at the same time” kisses!!!

L = Little Ones

They both LOVE Gravity Falls. There are way to many times they babysat Eri and either played Gravity Falls or sung the karaoke song. Basically their only experiences with kids is Eri???

M = Mornings

Denki and Sero and total bed heads and refuse to get out of bed before like, 9:59. You usually get up before them and make them both coffee, and I love the idea of getting sticky notes and labeling their mugs, a doodling on them. Like with Denki it would be little lightning bolts and with Sero it would be flex tape.

N = Nights

All of you go to bed at a pretty normal time, around 10 or 11, but… Denki. Denki is for sure the type who will not fall asleep in like ten minutes and then would get on his phones cause he “can’t sleep” and wake you and Sero up.

O = Opening up

When you were just friends you all got pretty close. You and Sero knew about Denkis ADHD, you and Denki knew about Sero’s insecurities about his quirk, they knew your past.

But when it turned romantic and even closer is when they really got how every felt, starts ranting for hours about how they felt and how it affects them now.

P = Patience

Neither of them get angry that easy, even if you do something that would upset them they end up thinking it’s a joke :/

Which does become a problem, but you all put effort into talking to each other about problems.

Q = Quizzes

Sero remembers really little things - like what your favorite emoji is and your favorite pop tart flavors - but it’s hard for him to remember bigger stuff like… your parents names :-/

Denki is the opposite. He’ll remember if you like the same thing, but it’s easier for him to remember stuff if you mention it more. Like, around you birthday Sero would remind him every day “hey Y/n’s birthday is in a few days.” So he would remember.

R = Remember

One of your favorite memories is going to this ice cream shop. It’s not like it was the specialist place or gloriously beautiful, but it shows your dynamic well. Denki kept poking you and zapping, and Sero pulled so many jokes and puns. You giggled and then showered them in attention as soon as you got home.

S = Security

Sero is pretty good at protecting you. If he feels a threat, he’ll just wrap his arm around your waist and hold his other arm to where you can clearly recognize him as a hero.

Denki is VERY protective. Because of his ADHD (a headcanon), he once hyper-fixated on how many people get robbed and how many girls get raped and how many poc get killed out on the streets. He used to be more worried about himself but now he gets really scared for you and Sero.

T = Try

Sero usually makes casual dates. Like quick walk before work, or a home cooked dinner. But sometimes he’ll plan out big dates for holidays and anniversaries.

He makes the weirdest excuses for planning big dates. “Its national national cream puff day we need to go to the fancy restaurant down the road and get some.”

U = Ugly

DENKI USES SO MUCH TEXT SPEAK I SWEAR

Sero always does his errands at rush hour???

They both where the ugliest shoes JUST to annoy you.

V = Vanity

Sero does not care to much for his looks. He used to be insecure about his looks as a teen but since then you and Denki shower him in compliments so all of the insecurities died away after a bit.

W = Whole

Sero wouldn’t. He’s become a better persona FB happier because of both of you. He can’t imagine losing you both. He has nightmares sometimes about you two dying or breaking up with him, and it’s breaks him.

Denki wouldn’t either. He thinks he would barely be able to function by himself without you two. He associates you both with his growth and how much you all have improved over the years.

X = Xtra

They randomly get obsessed with random things. One day you’ll come home to them trying to teach themselves the ukulele, or trying to bake but making a huge mess, or trying to code.

Y = Yuck

Sero hates pda. At least involving him. He doesn’t care if you and Denki heckin make out in public, just don’t do it in front of him.

Denki doesn’t like how much work you both have. He can make big hits and break off up to hundreds of people at once, so he didn’t have to stay at work to long. But you and Sero care a bit more than him (he still cares tho) and he hates just sitting at home alone.

Z = Zzzz

Denki stays up late a lot from staying on his phone, but if you and Sero really commit to ~cuddles~ than he’s willing.

Reblogs appreciated!!

#tw robbery mention #tw racism mention #poly mha #mha #sero x reader #denki x reader #Sero x Denki #Denki x Sero x reader #tw rape mention

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bondsmagii · 3 years

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I have to disagree with the idea that some autistic people are genuinely incapable of learning and respecting boundaries and consent, that's kinda infantilizing and honestly kinda ableist, even those who have low empathy and difficulty fully understanding boundaries can learn what's appropriate and how to respect people's boundaries (also most autistic people reject labels like "severe" "mild" etc bc of ableist implications, it's less a sliding scale and more like a salad bar of symptoms) (1/2?)

HOWEVER, in the case of Chris Chan it is true that she'd likely already have issues understanding boundaries and consent but what really makes the difference here is that, from the sound of things, she had so many people around her actively and maliciously destroying and distorting her conception and understanding of boundaries and consent which is an important factor in understanding the situation I think

(just to confirm this immediately -- "consent" is not just something for sexual situations. when I discuss consent, here as in the other asks, I am referring to all situations. I get the feeling that some people may be reading my responses through the lens of only sexual consent, which is not and has never been what I've been talking about.)

I gotta ask, just to clear things up: are you saying that when it comes to autism, there's no "salad bar" of symptoms possible that would make a person incapable of constantly and consistently learning and respecting boundaries and consent? I ask sincerely. I don't think it's ableist to say that when it comes to autism (and other things, like certain mental illnesses, personality disorders, or behavioural/developmental disabilities) there can arise situations where a person has symptoms so severe that they are incapable of acknowledging and understanding consent. this is not a malicious choice on their part, nor is it a conscious one -- it's merely an effect of a symptom. if an autistic person struggles with social cues and non-verbal communication, like Chris does, it's perfectly reasonable to assume that she cannot therefore deduce from body language alone that a woman does not want Chris to touch her arm. this is the kind of thing I'm referring to, by the way -- Chris is not groping or molesting these women. she's standing too close to them, looming over them too much, touching their arms, etc. I don't think it's ableist to say that her autism might have influence over why this was an issue for her.

going on from the constantly and consistently thing I mentioned before: this isn't a black and white thing. it's not "this person either understands consent and adheres all the time" or "this person doesn't understand consent and is incapable of respecting it". it's more a case of, to use some examples:

"this person understands consent most of the time, but when they get excitable they forget and become highly animated, grabbing their friends and pulling them around and being highly physical, despite their friend having told them in the past it makes them uncomfortable."

"this person understands consent most of the time, but when they become highly distressed they are prone to meltdowns, and this causes them to violate people's consent by, for example, barging into a sibling's room when they have been asked to stay outside."

"this person struggles to interact socially and has complex interpersonal issues which causes them to have difficulty relating to other people and understanding their thought processes, which results in them repeatedly doing something upsetting or harmful while genuinely not realising or understanding why it is upsetting or harmful."

"this person is totally fine with all issues of consent apart from one particular thing they consistently forget, despite their best efforts, resulting in them constantly interrupting their friends when speaking no matter how serious the situation is or how many times they have been told to stop."

"this person is aware that they don't necessarily understand social interactions or cues and has been trying to teach themselves how to improve, but because they have been self-teaching they make mistakes, such as always assuming you go in for a kiss at the end of a one-on-one interaction with a girl."

all of the above examples are ones I have witnessed or been guilty of myself (I am not autistic, but I have ADHD; the second-to-last bullet point about interrupting is a personal example). I really don't think it's ableist to acknowledge these things and keep them in mind, nor do I think it's ableist to point out that for many of us, the statistics on autism and associated behaviours are skewed. many autistic people on this website are... not like Chris. it's easy to look around and see your autistic friends and mutuals and safely say "no autistic person would ever act like this/have problems with that/misunderstand this". I know that none of my autistic friends and mutuals would ever act like Chris -- nowhere near. but there are many more autistic people out there who, while they might not necessarily act like Chris, they also might not be as capable of assessing situations like you do. there are autistic people out there who do struggle with such things, who will struggle to understand these things, and can and do cause people harm. it isn't ableist to acknowledge that with something as complex as autism, everyone's behaviour and needs are different. it is also not ableist to say that sometimes the symptoms of something cause a person to act inappropriately, or cause harm. at no time have I said all autistic people struggle with this -- just that some can and do. acting like this isn't the case is speaking over people who have been hurt by this kind of scenario.

as for the second part of your ask, totally agree. it's absolutely impossible to expect Chris to work out how to act appropriately when her entire world is being constructed by trolls encouraging her to believe falsehoods, advising her to always act in the worst possible way, pretending to be her friend, and taking absolutely everything she does in the worst faith imaginable. every time she tried to improve herself, they beat her back with increased ridicule and emotional abuse. it would be dishonest and outright malicious to view her behaviour without this context.

#chriscourse #anon #asks

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drake-the-incubus · 4 years

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Y’know. I feel bad for teachers, they struggle, but I’m not gonna bend over backwards about my trauma and the shitty teaching habits I grew up through, and say it wasn’t their fault.

I sat through struggling with the same social issues that got my cousin diagnosed with ADHD and got told I was just “disruptive”. I was doing book projects on complex books and reading through my homework with ease, only to have my teacher get mad and accuse me of cheating, to which my mom and I had to defend me.

I was accused of cheating my reading assignments because I didn’t have to take them home, it would take five minutes to speed through the books. Tiny little 12 page books were supposed to take us a week.

I excelled in English. Actually I was great in everything but math. When it came to math, I was put down by my teacher, “you’re smarter than this”. “If you really struggle, go ask your parents.” My parents weren’t home, neither had graduated and my step-father was god fucking awful. The solution wasn’t to offer me help when I broke down over not being able to do math, it was to get upset I wasn’t good enough, and get MORE upset when I figured something out that wasn’t an appropriate method.

This is elementary. I was 5-9. These years were fucking horrible for me. From being called the wrong name and being in trouble for correcting it (my name was written down the teacher just would not say it right) to being fucking harassed by students over my last names.

Gifted child with Autism and genuinely has the issues backed up.

School was fucking horrible and most of the time it was the teachers. I don’t care if “they didn’t get paid enough” that didn’t excuse the trauma.

Being a teenager was just as bad.

My nephew has given up on school because they don’t want to help him cope with his dyslexia. They’re cruel about it.

My cousin never graduated because they refused to give him assistance in anything and told him the same shit as me, he was barely passing and had no drive for school because of it.

Kids would receive sexual harassment and the teacher would shrug it off. We had sex in our movies which we should “just close your eyes” which was fun! I can’t tell you how traumatizing being forced to a sex education camp was when I was adamant I didn’t want to go, and being forced to pay the bus fee, when I told my teacher I didn’t want to and had my grades held over my head.

Didn’t matter that I was genuinely uncomfortable, ended up getting an infection with my stitches and was treated like shit for asking “stupid” questions.

I am 22 now, want to know how many times I’ve had sex? 0. Want to know what stuck in that course? Only how to put on a condom.

We didn’t learn consent, we learned some self defence. I was told because I was a girl I’d likely be assaulted!!

A camp that left me with more trauma that I was forced to, because I needed to know the information on STDs. Why? “Because you’re going to have sex before you graduate and I’m not going to be responsible”. Even when I’m saying I wanted to not.

Being berated for not entering science fairs, being pressured into a club where you had to know very specific things that other gifted kids knew and shit.

Being pressured to do the entirety of group assignments. Being harassed when I told a teacher early that I needed my homework tonight because I left at 4am the next day and wouldn’t have net, only to get it 10am the next day with, “you gave me no time”. Despite the fact that said teacher said she could do it.

The vice-principal who was our teacher, that sexually harassed students, was openly abusive and homophobic, who I think still works there! Because all the other teachers defend him, and so does the principal.

The other vice principal who fucking harassed me about graduating. “You need to graduate this year” and got mad when I returned the next year to do exactly what I was planning to before, and upgrade my courses. Same teacher that forced me to the camp.

Teachers literally are in positions of power over students, and are capable of immense trauma. I’ve been near forced to teach a teachers class for her, because she would not look into the subject she was supposed to teach, and even said she should look up the basic requirements for the class and try from there.

She was teaching Gr.10 Astronomy to 7 students. She was constantly giving us assignekents which boiled down to, “make a pretty art project.”

Anyone who wanted to take a serious elective transferred out, and she was adamant that I, the only grade twelve, teach her class for her, “because you know so much”. My knowledge was at a grade 6 level.

At one point I got fed up with this shit because I am there to focus on my studies not teach for her. And I was, “making it so hard on her because she didn’t know what she was doing”.

She tried to make us teach each other.

So when it came to my presentation, I used the appropriate scientific language and got in trouble for, “being too complex”. Mind you this is highschool and I was talking about atmospheric pressure on a planet.

Oh and I had points docked for not drawing a little character for Neptune. Even though I could blindly recite the facts about the planet.

I hate that, “this profession is full of women so it’s the misogyny” that makes people hate teachers. I had wonderful teachers. The majority of them were horrible and would scream at students or give no indication of what was expected from an assignment and would be frustrated.

I had a teacher who broke down to me, because I would do my work fast (and correctly) and she didn’t want me to be ahead of the class so she kept assigning me extra credit I had to complete. And her breakdown was because I told her that I’m not doing more work than was necessary.

Complexities I didn’t understand, my teachers would be upset and tell me, “you’re smarter than this” they would get frustrated at anything below an 80.

The one teacher I had, I met in grade 10, taught the next two years of my social studies. When I told him I hated his course, and why, he actually tried his best to get me to engage with the material. My grades shot up surprisingly, when I had someone who was willing in the side points of class or when he was available, talk to me over this course.

In a school with less than 400 students, for K-12, having the five teachers WITH the time to help me, because they would grade and be there otherwise, is what made me realize that I genuinely could have had help, and was denied it.

Teaching is a two way street, and some teachers leave a real fucking nasty taste in their students mouths, because they cause so much fucking trauma. School can be heavily traumatizing, but blaming the students and everyone but the teachers is a dissonance.

School was better than home, yeah, but not by much. It was hell there. The amount of bullshit teachers put students through, was ridiculous, and the shit they refused the deal with was insurmountable.

It’s not misogyny I hated those teachers, it’s the way they treated me and other students. Specifically, it was how they acted like I was “So Smart” that nay of my struggles were ignored.

I went through school with an undiagnosed neurodivergency, despite working closely with councillors and having them as teachers.

But even still, when I’m teaching the other smart kids in the class the basic mathematics because that’s how bad the teaching is, and the fact that our school was considered the worst of province, yeah I’m gonna be honest here, maybe the fucking teachers have a bigger impact than expected.

#school Tw #abuse tw #mentions of sex #a kid almost died bc she wasn’t allowed her inhaler #from a teacher #we faced misogyny #we faced discrimination #hating teachers isn’t a misogynistic approach and neither is hating school

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writingandmore · 4 years

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Hi! Could i get a homestuck and mysmes match-up? ✿ I'm a short, blonde, blue eyed straight girl. I have a pale skin, and i'm physically weak. I like to read various novels, and write. I'm social anxious because of my ADHD, So when i'm near pepole i act calm, when in reality i'm a bit more hyped. I love to wear sweaters and i get cold easily. Pepole say i'm too kind, and i get tricked by others for this. I have a high pitched voice, and i look younger than i am.

Homestuck: Jake!

- Jake is someone who would actually really enjoy feeling like he could protect his s/o, so he wouldn’t think it’s a bad thing for you to be physically weak at all. If you want to get stronger yourself, he’d certainly be willing to help you train, but he’d also be content with protecting you himself.

- He enjoys movies for the most part himself, but with your interest in novels, he would be willing to pick some up, and he’d really enjoy fantasy novels! He’d get very excited while talking about what he’s reading too-it’d be very cute.

- He’d understand your anxiety around other people-for a large part of his life, he didn’t really have any people around him to talk to face to face, so he feels a bit of that anxiety himself quite often. Just be patient with each other and hopefully things will work out.

Mysme: Jumin!

- This might be something small, but Jumin would always try to make sure you’re warm and comfortable in your home and while you’re both out and about. He would be quite used to offering you his jacket or things like that, and would purposely wear more layers than he needs to when going out with you.

- He would be wary about how easily you trust others, and he would often lecture you about being careful. Of course, if anything actually happened he wouldn’t blame you (after his initial reaction), and he’d help you however he can to recover.

- He would get slightly annoyed with being perceiving you as being younger than you actually are. It would make him upset for people to think you’re less capable than you actually are and treating you like a child. He knows you’re an amazing and talented person ,and he wants everyone else to know that too.

#Anonymous #homestuck matchup #Jake English #mysme matchup #mystic messenger #jumin han

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poppyknitt · 6 years

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Thank you.

All of you have done so much good, I can’t even put it into words.

However, since I do have a bit of a story to tell, to sort of explain part of why I say this, and also to show how far I’ve come since I made this account, back in august, 2016, I will give you that.

In the last two weeks of March, 2017, I was given medications for my depression. To help them work, my anxiety medications’ dosage was halved.

The medications I was already on had a possible side effect of causing twitching, with symptoms similar to, but not unlike that of tic disorders like tourette syndrome and chronic tic disorder, so I might as well have just walked in and said “hey! why not fuck up my head a bit?” or something, because that’s basically the consequence of those six weeks of hell.

By the end, I couldn’t get through the day without at least one panic attack over my grades, band class, or a sudden inability to think anything but the repeating thought of “I can’t think, I can’t think, I can’t even fucking think!” (which is apparently a symptom of anxiety, so I literally was panicking over my own fucking anxiety-). So, that, and the fact that my adhd medicines (the other meds with that side effect I mentioned) weren’t working anymore, I was taken off of them before we could even see if they were helping me. That incident vastly increased the speed at which my anxiety has been getting worse, and on top of that, after only three or four weeks on them, I’d developed a tic that I would go on to blame on my adhd from then until I finally researched what tics actually were- A sort of thing triggered by immense levels of fidgeting that made me hand sort of... spazz out. I wasn’t, and still can’t control it. Thankfully, though, that tic doesn’t come up as much as the others I’ve developed over these past (almost) two years.

After that, in late august that year, a close friend i’d only met a few weeks before, in june or july, found my discord account, and started harassing me and another friend, because we were somewhat crushing on each other, and he also liked me. This is another thing I loosely refer to as “The Incident”, though, a lot of times, i just call it the Stalker Incident, because that’s what it felt like at the time.

My anxiety and depression tanked.

But that was also because that school year, although I tried to pull myself together to get it right, was the worst one of my life so far. My band teacher, whom I would later, in the late weeks of spring of this year, discover could be classified as an emotional/verbal abuser of not only me, but everyone in his classes, was finally in his second year of working at my school, and he was even worse than the year before. That was really bad to me, because I had his class two times a day, and, even, before the end of the first two semesters, in November and December, three times a day.

Basically, what he did to teach was he would constantly look for even the slightest of mistakes, and with the students who were unlucky enough to not be his favorites, a lot of times even just ignore whatever minor improvements you made. I was the worst affected, probably because I was already technically being physically and mentally abused at home (though, I didn’t know, and I still sorta deny that it was abuse at all, because sadly, even though it’s a fucked up fact, that’s just how you react to being abused by a family member...), although not as often, and also because of the two previous incidents that increased my anxiety a shit ton and tanked my depression a fuckload. It didn’t help that my parents constantly turned blind eyes to the case I had at home, and they didn’t have enough education on the symptoms of non-physical abuse on the mind to be able to recognize that something just wasn’t right. But, of course, because of a lot of the shit that happened previously during my hellish middle school life, I’d learned not to trust the word of the adults in my life, nor to trust them to take action whenever I expressed that something needed a drastic change, because it just wasn’t right. So, of course, I wasn’t just about to tell them my teacher was abusing me.

Anyways, so, yet again, I found that by the end of March, last year, I was right back in the same place as I had been during the six weeks- Not going a day without at least one or two minor panic attacks. At that point, I basically thought it was normal to have a tiny bit of panic every day, so I didn’t really stop to think “Oh, fuck, this is really bad, I should get help for this”, until like, late April or early May, when I broke down in literal tears because I couldn’t get even one little, 4-beat rhythm exactly right every single time I played it, and I was afraid I’d be yelled at again over it. Keep in mind, I was the best percussionist, out of 4, so he was probably way harder on me than the others for that reason. It was at that point that my friends started offering for me to help them take him to court a second time in two years over his treatment of the students. The first time he went to court was because he allegedly strangled an 8th grader back in the 2016-2017 school year. Charges were dropped on the first case for some reason (I blame misogyny and white supremacy, especially because this was in a small community of narcissistic, racist southern white people who were mostly conservatives, even if they didn’t think they were. if you can’t tell, i hate my hometown.), but I haven’t heard anything on the more recent one, since I transferred to a school in the neighboring city to escape my bullies and the hellish band teacher, both of which usually harassed me in the band room, but some of whom also extended to the other classes.

I had to quit percussion because I can’t go into the setup of a band room anymore without having a minor panic attack. Percussion was literally the only thing I consistently looked forwards to in middle school, because I could never rely on my friends to be there every day of every week in those three years, and I also barely actually had a chance to see any of them and enjoy their company. So, uh, yeah, I was pretty upset that I couldn’t bear the thought of playing in a band room anymore.

Once I was out of school that summer, everything changed for the better, because I had gotten accepted into the highschool I applied to. No more unknowingly abusive band teachers. Hell, not even any unintentionally abusive brothers, either, because he was going off to college. I don’t think I should have to explain how my brother was abusive, seeing as he literally didn’t seem to care about me at all until he got bored, and would proceed to hurt or terrorize me for fun, and laugh when I looked like I was going to have a heart attack, for fear of getting seriously injured. Sure, he didn’t give that many visible injuries, but that doesn’t mean shit in abuse cases. Abuse is abuse, no matter how many physical injuries are involved. There’s a reason there’s shit categorized as “emotional” and “verbal” abuse, dumbass. (sorry to those who knew that, I’m just trying to give the ignorant fucktards a little subtle warning before they send me an aggressive “oh, but it’s not really abuse if-“ bullshit ask or something. though, considering that they clearly wouldn’t know abuse when they see it, and think that just because there’s no visual physical wounds, it isn’t abuse, I doubt they’d even get that I was telling them to fuck off.)

So, basically, last summer was like, a godsend. The school year had left me truly hating myself for literally the first time ever in my life, and so, since my appearance was one thing I hated, I chose to dye my hair black, and get a new hairstyle, one I’d never had before (t was unintentionally not what I had imagined, but at the same time, I still liked it better than my usual). That saw my depression leaving me alone to the point that for the first time in literal years, I finally wouldn’t be able to say “I can’t remember what happiness feels like” without it being a lie anymore. I finally made progress to getting better, because I was nearly free of the things that plagued me in every year of my life up until then.

For the first time in my life, it seemed, I was finally being shown that I was capable of happiness, which, of course I had started to doubt before then.

School started.

I met @chaoticcrimsonrose , and, I also finally managed to fall in love without loosing the feelings a week or so later, all in the same day (I still am in love with that wonderful girl, though, we aren’t exactly a thing yet). I’m not gonna go into that, though, because that’s not the point.

The point of this next section is that Crimson reintroduced me to the Jacksepticeye and Markiplier fandoms. I had sort of been in them since 2013 or 2014, but I had only ever watched Mark’s five nights at freddy’s videos, and Jack’s undertale, as well as a few other videos from their channels on occasion (Plus, I didn’t actually realize there were fandoms for the boys until then). Since then, I’ve met so many wonderful, amazing people full of positivity and love for one another, and really, I honestly had the most fun in the last four or five months of 2018 that I think I’ve ever had. Hell, even now, and back in early October, when my depression spiked back up, and came back to shoot me straight through the head, I’m still enjoying myself every time I go on tumblr or discord, because of the wonderful people in their communities.

Between finding my passion in life, and finally being shown that I actually have talents, and the ones I was ashamed of, such as my art, were so much better than I ever even thought they were, everything started finally going right for me in the end of 2018. And, even if PMA doesn’t help me very much when I’m down, I still love the idea behind it, and I’ll continue to try to spread it, even when I’m down.

I love the communities Mark and Jack have started, and I love the people they’ve become. They’re basically what I’ve been aspiring to be for literal years- that kind, caring person, who doesn’t care for money, and would much rather you help out those in need, than give them free money. On top of that, they’re also amazing storytellers, and have such wild, cryptic imaginations. (I’ve actually been told by Crimson many times that I remind her of their creating/writing styles, and especially of the cryptic bullshit they do, which I find hilarious, because of how long I went without knowing about those facets of their personalities. Quite the coincidence, don’t you think?)

Anyways, to sum it up, I guess i’m just saying I’m so glad I found this place when I did; there literally couldn’t have been a better time for me to start meeting more people on the internet who truly care, that i’m not worried about telling all this to, because I know no one here will judge me for things that are out of my control. (And, well, considering how unpredictable the environment I’ve grown up in could get at any moment, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve sorta learned I don’t really have that much control over my life anymore (Thus the cryptic “i have no control” post i made yesterday or something, when i sorta started realizing just how little i actually do have, just to see if i freaked anyone out)-)

Thank you all,

for being so kind and welcoming and accepting.

Thank you all,

for being supportive and helpful to those who need input or hugs.

Thank you, all, so much,

for just being so wonderful. I don’t know where I would be without these communities.

(though, knowing how low I’ve sunken since thanksgiving, I might not’ve made it to 2019... so... yeah, really, huge thanks to all of you-)

———

Extra special appreciation:

@chaoticcrimsonrose - Thank you, so much, for being the person to show me these communities, and help me get more invested in things. You’re basically the kind of sibling I’ve always wished to have, and I couldn’t thank you more for being who you are so much. Also, another thing: The SDS really was your greatest idea. We’ve all only been on it for a few days, but... Holy shit, man, we’re all basically a family on there, and I love that. I don’t know what it would be like for me if we didn’t have the server, but honestly, I don’t want to know, either.

@rorald-spooks - Thank you, for being such a goofy doofus and always being there to cheer me up with your stupid cryptic dumbassery, no matter what I’m saying or feeling.

@startschantingpma - connie you’re a hecking idiot but ily because you’re awesome at what you do and deserve all the hugs-

@tiny-septic-puppet - Good god, man, we’ve come so far. I still vividly remember the day Crimson told me she’d been sending you my fics, and you’d been really enjoying them. That was so amazing to hear. But, like, to think we’ve now gotten to the point that you’re basically like a father to me is... really weird, but also fucking awesome. Ily, dad, don’t stop being epic.

@doodle-min : Mom, holy shit, you’re like, so amazing. I’m so glad we met, and I’m excited to go into 2019 with you and the rest of our wacky discord family. I really hope you keep up your awesome streak of the thing you mentioned, and I hope life keeps getting better and better for you; you deserve every bit of happiness.

@oliverissad - OLLIIIEEEEEE!!!! ILY!!! START TAKING BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF BECAUSE OTHERWISE IMMA HUNT YOU DOWN AND HUG YOU TILL YOU UN-SADIFY OKAY?! that goes for the rest of you doofuses too!!! >:v

@og-wilford-warfstache-discord - Fuck you! Don’t you “heh” me! Ily wilf okay don’t ever doubt that or imma take a page from moms book and imma slap you with cheese damn it-

@singular-dorito - UNC SCHNEP!! what? yeah idk i’m running out of unique things to say to appreciate people, whoops. but ye same goes for you as it does the rest of the fam-

and the rest of the SDS family, because i didn’t get any tumblr tags from the others- i lOVE AND APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU PLS DONT HURT YOURSELF OKAY YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

@antis-loyal-puppet , as well as everyone on the jacksepticeye writing discord- Thank you all, for being so supportive of me, and being such a joy to have around. You’re all fuckin amazing, and I wouldn’t trade our friendships for the world.

And of course, I’d also like to thank Jack and Mark for being such amazing people, and being the whole reason I even know any of the dumb idiots I’ve tagged or mentioned in this post. You guys are killin the game!

i love all of you idiots. stay as pos as you can. i know way too well how hard it can be to do that, so, just,,, keep on tryin, mates, you deserve every bit of happiness if you’re reading this, even if I’ve never even once spoken to you or interacted with your stuff.

#jse community #markiplier community #happy 2019 #ily all #wholesome ramblings #i know it seems weird that i went on a tangent about myself #but i’ve literally been waiting two or three months to write the majority of this #the shit about discord is new occurrences but still

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madreckdoesrandomstuff · 3 years

Text

I absolutely hate my family.

My stepbro (trans male) is always getting into stupid drama that could easily be avoided if they weren't such a drama king & didn't handle drama like how teens do in those TV shows & movies.

My younger stepsis is extremely lazy & won't do her chores, which results in either me or my dad having to do them.

My stepmom plays favorites & is always getting mad over small things. She's over dramatic & always gets angry at my lil enbro (envy + brother = enbro) for stuff her children didn't do. She's always getting into arguments with my dad & she's wrong in most of them. She's always starting arguments with him & whenever he points out something & is right, she just says "I have to go" or "that's not important" when it absolutely is.

My mom & stepdad manipulated me into thinking I had no friends not long before I finished 4th grade & I continue to think that the friends I have aren't real friends because most of them are online friends.

All of my parents invalidate my online friendships since they're all online & that they're all probably just some 40 yr old creeps when my friends have proven that they're around my age range.

I'm constantly belittled & put down by my stepparents, mother, & lil enbro. I'm often called the r slur by my stepfather due to the fact that I'm autistic. I often get yelled at by my stepmom for stuff my stepsiblings didn't do that I did, such as chores. My stepsiblings always gets more privileges than my lil enbro & I do.

All of my parents say that they'll support their children no matter what. Yet my mom & stepdad are still in the "there's only 2 genders & 3 sexualities" mindset because any other sexuality & gender is "too specific". My stepmom & dad are religious & queerphobic & I can hear the queerphobia in my fathers voice each time my lil enbro sees something queer on TikTok around him.

My younger halfbro, who shares the same mother as my enbro & I, often hits & throws stuff at my lil enbro & I. Of course he gets into trouble since my stepdad & mom say that he shouldn't hit girls, yet they excuse it often because he has ADHD.

My stepmom & stepbro often bring so much stress back home because of work & drama at school. My dad is aware of the stress & favoritism & yet he doesn't divorce my stepmom because he loves her, even though they argue almost every single day.

I have trust issues because of the amount of times I've been lied to & manipulated & tricked by family, ex-friends, & strangers. I'm not sure if I'm capable of truly trusting others. I just know that I trust my online friends enough to vent to them about my problems, but it's never enough chz I can never spill my guts out enough. I don't even trust myself.

I've been living with my father since a few days before 5th grade started for me over 6 yrs ago after he won in a court case against my mom & stepdad after he saw them manipulate me into thinking I had no friends.

That's when the trouble began. My grades, mental health, & memory started to decline. Then stuff got better for me in 6th grade with my grades save for some of the bullying I went though in the after school program.

I knew that my grades would never be as great as they were in 6th grade & ever since then I've been expected to be a straight A student.

I've been getting intrusive thoughts since 7th grade as a result of stress & me bottling up my anger because each time I'd try to let it out I'd always get into trouble.

My grades remained the same for years after that. Something that worsened it was the stress & my bladder started to just act on its own from all of it. I ended up urinating myself often at home & never dealing with it because I'd forgotten how to.

When I was in 9th grade, I was forced to start wearing diapers to deal with the urinating problem during Labor Day weekend before quarantine started. I was forced to wear it for 7 months & I'd often get yelled at when I couldn't change my diaper after I urinated because I either didn't have an extra on me or there weren't any available restrooms nearby.

When quarantine started my grades started to improve due to everything being moved online & there being less stress for me to handle.

I was starting to improve. My mental health & grades were improving by the time I started 10th grade. I was even looking forward to 2021, believing that it'd be a great year for me.

Boy, was I wrong. I ended up getting a mental breakdown after getting overwhelmed by an assignment & my grades & mental health started to drop after that. My parents didn't understand why. They assumed that I was being lazy.

They didn't know about my mental health, even though I've tried telling them multiple times. They said they'd get me a therapist, but they never did & always forgot.

It wasn't until after I had that mental breakdown over that assignment when the suicidal thoughts started pouring in. I kept trying to think positive & the intrusive thoughts only intensified. I've been trying to stay positive since towards the end of 4th grade, but I've been struggling.

I've been hiding my emotions for so long that I'm numb to most besides anger & hatred. I continue to get yelled at & belittled by my own family.

I'm not sure much longer I can take it. Whenever someone upsets me, I twitch a bit & think about killing them or maybe even just running away.

Nobody other than my online friends have any ideas on how my mental health is, but even they don't know how bad it is. I don't even know how bad my mental health really is.

I'm too scared to ask for help. Every time I've tried asking for help for whatever I needed/wanted I was either ignored, told that I can do it myself, or that I was smart & mature enough to handle it on my own.

This is all too much for me, a pangender high school junior. I don't even know if I'll make it past 20 yrs old. I've even set up years for myself for when I'd finally end myself.

20 yrs old if life gets too rough for me to handle & I can't take it anymore.

30 yrs old if things are going better than expected & maybe things aren't as bad as before.

40 yrs old is for when I can decide if life is truly worth living or not.

I only haven't ended myself yet because I'd break so many hearts as well as my own for taking away someone I know others care about.

I honestly wonder how things would've been if I'd ask for legal help sooner. Maybe I would've been in a different family. Maybe I would've been happier or taking therapy.

I know my family & school isn't entirely to blame for my mental health since I know I'm playing a role in it as well.

I just feel so trapped. Trapped by expectations & reality & religion & school & family & oh so many things I don't have the will to type.

I just want the pain to stop, but I can't stop it. At least not on my own. I can't face my problems. Not yet. Not when I'm so weak.

I just hope that someday I'll be able to get the help I need & make sure that justice is served to all that have wronged me & any of my online friends.

I'm just holding out for karma by this point.

Until justice is served I will hold out.

I only haven't been driven to suicide or insanity yet because I know that there are people out there that love me & believe in me & care about me & believe that things will improve for me.

I hope the same for all of those who truly wish me well in life.

#tw suicide mention #tw r slur mention #tw queerphobia #tw bullying #tw intrusive thoughts #tw manipulation #tw mental abuse?

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welcometojoelsvoid · 6 years

Text

My ocs explained: Voidverse

A friend of mine asked me to tell about my ocs, and since there a lot of them and this will be long and tumblr messages won't let me send the whole thing, so I decided to make a post dedicated to it.

This post won't have pictures of my ocs because I'm lazy, but if you're interested there's a tab on my blog called "My characters", which has their pictures and their tags.

So, to get the more complicated things cleared out, I have this group of characters I call the "alts", basically, they're alternate versions of myself. One is always based on an aspect of my personality, which I then turn into said alt. A new one is usually born whenever I make one for a new fandom or universe.

Ps. This isn't all of them, there are a few minor characters and wips that I left out because this would become waaayyyy longer than needed. These characters belong in a group I call the "Voidverse", which are the characters that I consider to be the main characters of this storyline (some of my ocs live in different realms and realities, etc). I might make another oc megapost about the other verses if you guys want.

~~~~~~~

Classic the Demon (he/him), 24

My "main" alt, who is also my persona on the internet is called Classic the Demon (they all have nicknames since most of them usually share my name). Classic is kinda the leader of the alts, he's the one who usually gets to join a new verse if I haven't made a new alt specifically for that verse.

Classic's powers include telekinesis, teleportation, offensive spells and the summoning of a weapon (in this case; a sword) and a pair of wings. Classic has this so-called "pocket dimension" that he accesses via his magic. This dimension is where he stores a bunch of random stuff from clothing to food to sketchbooks. Also, because he's so extra, whenever he summons his sword he kinda swipes his right hand from left to right once while his sword materializes from dark energy, just for dramatic flair.

Like most demons, Classic is also capable of collecting souls through contracts, though Classic had "retired" from doing said contracts.

Classic was born in a Renaissance-era like time period in a small hidden village of demons. The village was very small with only a few houses and a post office. Classic's family consisted of Classic himself, his mother and father. Although his father had left when Classic was an infant for an unknown reason. Therefore Classic was solely raised by his mother.

Classic's only friends in the village was another boy his age named Eemeli and a person called "the Guard". The Guard lived at the edge of the small town, whose job was to protect it from the dangers of the grand forest right next to them. Classic looked up to the Guard, for she was one of the strongest people he knew. His favourite memory of her was when she fought a bear with her bare hands.

Eemeli, on the other hand, was an adventures child much like Classic, though not as reckless. He had a family of two (2) parents and four (4) siblings.

(But of course, because this is a character made by yours truly, there is a lot of edge and angst)

At the age of 13, Classic's village was attacked by a troupe of human soldiers. They burned the houses and slaughtered the people. With the help of his mother, he had survived. Classic had passed out during the attack and once he woke up he couldn't believe his eyes. Everything was destroyed and burnt to the ground, including the people he held so near and dear to his heart. Classic didn't know what to do, so he wandered aimlessly until he reached a town of humans. Traumatised and blinded by hate, he killed everyone and anyone he saw and when he reached the castle he stabbed the king to death with a dagger that had appeared in his hands, which would later on, as he got older, form into the dark sword that it is today.

Classic was "rescued" by a group of angels and was brought into their home in the sky. No, not heaven, but a floating island. He hadn't told them exactly what happened, not that he was all that able to because of the shock of it all. Though the angels did not press on the subject, clearly aware of his discomfort.

The family he was living with had one (1) child, Ale, a pink haired angel with greenish eyes. The two of them instantly became close friends and through that friendship considered each other siblings. Growing up in a community of angels as a demon was tough, but most of them were very accepting of Classic.

Though, with time he became restless. He wanted to go somewhere, do something. But he didn't know where nor what.

At the age of 19, Classic and Ale packed their bags and went to see the world. And through this adventure, they became face to face with Death, literally. On their adventure, Ale had been hurt severally and Classic in desperation tried with all his might to help them. He turned to soul stealing harvesting and contract work to earn currency, souls paid well with witches and faeries. Unfortunately, he couldn't earn enough in time or get any help. Ale had died of sickness and Classic ever since blamed himself.

His journey alone took him to many places, but he was always alone. Until he met a certain someone, but more about that later.

Classic himself is a cocky yet charming personality, not really in love with himself but absolutely adores praise and loves being in the spotlight (when he wants to, otherwise attention from a lot of people make him anxious). He's the one I made the most like myself, so ultimately he has the same issues; depression, anxiety, ADD and sociopathic tendencies. Of course, pretty much every alt have more or less these traits, some show them more, some don't.

He's a loyal friend and cares for his loved ones, good with a sword and has good problem-solving skills and critical thinking, but he lacks the sense of responsibility sometimes and gets very paranoid about not being good enough. He's very forgetful and has a hard time understanding complex things like math, geology and physics but has a talent for arts, language and philosophy. He's not in touch with his owns feelings but can tell when someone else is upset, anxious or lying. He's very unused to affection and compliments, often deeming himself not worthy of them but tries his best to stay positive.

Jojo (he/they), 23

Jojo is an easily excitable and reckless half-dead demon living in a post-apocalyptic setting. Jojo doesn't have magical abilities, though, they lost them alongside his horns and tail after committing suicide before he was brought back to life.

He likes brights colours, stuffed animals, motorcycles and most importantly; explosives.

Jojo had lost a part of their hearing and vision to a malfunctioning bomb, had been lucky that in a tight spot the last of his magical ability had protected all but a small portion of the side of his head, face and neck.

His left leg was lost in a fight. Jojo had seen a young girl being kidnapped, followed the kidnappers and fought them, rescuing the kidnapped children and losing his leg to an axe. This had happened before the war.

Even in crude conditions, Jojo believes that positivity can get you through anything. His blatant naïtivity can often cause him to trust the wrong people but make no mistake, Jojo is no fool and can quickly regain his composure and build up his walls. Jojo is a very social person and can easily get along with anyone, although can sometimes get a tad too excited and accidentally say and do something rather awkward. They always try to make up for hurt feeling, tough. Jojo is also big on taking risks and can often put themselves in dangerous situations.

As mentioned previously Jojo is a bomb fanatic and loves explosives and explosions. He taught himself to make his own bombs and frag launcher, many of which malfunctioned in various ways.

He doesn't remember much about his childhood, his memory fading alongside the scars on his body. He just remembers having a good family and he's fine with that. Jojo is also one of the only alts who drinks and smokes (they smoke pot, don't like cigarettes much). He's overall a pretty chill dude when he's not jumping from place to place and blowing stuff up.

He's also the one who shows the most clearly symptoms of ADHD.

He's a smart boy who's a bit clumsy sometimes.

A wholesome boy. A very sweet boy.

Invite him to every party because he's never been to one but really wants to. Good with kids, animals and knows how to make broccoli taste good. (Not good with elders and other fragile things that break easily)

10/10

282-J aka J/Jay (they/them), 22

282-J, the one that is actually not even a demon.

J's power is "teleportation" via light. They can turn themselves into light particles and move a few meters to the direction of their choosing. So J cannot use this power in places without some kind of light source, though the illumination of a phone or TV, etc, is not enough. J also cannot move through solid matter, like walls and doors.

J was born into "captivity" in a science lab (Oh, yes, it's "science labs are evil" trope time!). This science lab was fixated on mutants and mutation, so I relate J to the Marvel universe (because X-Men).

From birth J had lived in that facility, being experimented on every single day. Some weren't bad, like seeing how long of a distance J can teleport for example, but some are excruciating, as when J would go days without being fed or being locked in a dark and tight room for weeks, even months! It all took its toll on J's fragile body.

Once the lab crew injected an adrenaline type drug into J's bloodstream and locked him in a small room for three (3) days straight, when a staff member was sent to retrieve J's seemingly passed out body, they had bitten into the man's arm and in response got an elbow to the chest. J coughed up blood and couldn't breathe, actually passing out this time. When J woke up they were in their own room; padded, white walls and the one-way glass in front. J felt their own breath on their face and when J reached to touch their own face, they felt what seemed like a gas mask of sorts and tried to fumble with it to take it off. The voice from the speakers told that the gas mask had two (2) benefits; it restrained J from biting the staff again and it kept J, themselves, alive. Apparently one of J's lungs had received a lot of damage from the incident and the lab crew could not entirely fix it, so a special gas mask would have to do.

J is very timid and does not speak often nor raise their voice. They're very awkward in social situations and get overwhelmed by large groups of people and loud noises. Though J can be brave and courageous when they want to and they're also a quick thinker and rather clever.

Cappy the Capricorn (she/her), 300+

Ah, yes, Cappy the Capricorn- or Cappy the Zodiac demon. The one person you wouldn't invite to your family gatherings.

She is a Zodiac demon and her powers focus mostly on controlling the water element. Another skill of her's is knowing how to cut her own hair using seashells and other sharp objects found on the seafloor. She's a very calm person with a professional-seeming personality, but she can be a bit "inappropriate", so to say.

She's a siren-like creature and when underwater her legs turn into a fishtail. She very much enjoys tricking unsuspecting men into their tombs and seducing women into sleeping with her, though to the fair lass she shall do no harm (In other words; she's a lesbian). Her magic is very powerful, but she isn't a fighter- she doesn't want to waste her time on petty brawling. Although if not left alone when asked, she won't hesitate to use violence as her saviour.

Unfortunately, there isn't much to tell about her background, for it does not exist because I am a lazy sonovabitch who doesn't think through their characters' backstories.

But Cappy is not really that much of a "macho sex object with no personality" (I hope), for in actuality she's a real softy. She's all smooth and clever in seduction and all that sexy stuff, but when a cute girl compliments her, she blushes like crazy and gets all flustered. If she ever would develop a crush on some poor soul, that poor soul would have to deal with a very nervous and stuttering mountain sea goat.

From 1 to 10 I'd rate Cappy a 5/10 on the friendship scale. Not that she's an evil person or whatever, she just doesn't know how to properly act around people (living at the bottom of the sea for hundreds of years will do that to ya, I suppose...). She, however, is very supportive and helpful whenever the people she considers her friends are having a hard time (especially about their own appearance, she ain't having none of it).

The Voidkeeper (she/they), ???

The Voidkeeper, the eldest one- mostly because their age cannot be comprehended for it simultaneously does and does not exist.

The Voidkeeper is half-blind, half-death and selectively mute. She is also a sociopath and does not feel empathy nor sympathy (or feelings, at all).

And most important, they are dead. I mean no heartbeat, rotten insides, dried out blood kind of dead.

She was banished to what is called the Void when she committed suicide. See, demons cannot be killed, only trapped in artefacts or returned to the Underworld, but a demon has the ability to take their own life, but it is not without punishment. When a demon commits suicide they are banished and assigned to a task which they will carry out for the rest of eternity. This one was assigned to look after the Void, a fruitless task for it is empty and barren. The only thing that happens is that every millennia a new book appears in the Void to give some sort of entertainment to the Voidkeeper.

On very rare occasion a poor soul might accidentally either wander or be sent to the Void and it is the Voidkeeper's duty then forward to guide the wanderer where they were supposed to go. Every time something, or someone, appears in the Void the Voidkeeper is alerted by the soul stone they carry. This stone, as prompted by the name, is in a way the Voidkeeper's soul, which they cannot ever regain. It is their life source and their source of power. The Voidkeeper is not allowed to ever be violent, so the soul stone only grants them defensive powers. In this case the ability to heal and create protective forcefields.

The Voidkeeper cannot physically ever enter the realm of the living, but with the aide of someone very powerful, they are granted to walk amongst the living as a ghost of sorts. They, however, cannot be touched by the living.

The Voidkeeper is very silent and intelligent. They know more than you'd expect, but will never tell you what you want to know. Only what you need to know, which in itself is not much. She prefers to observe others as they go about their life whenever she isn't reading, other than that there isn't much to her.

Inquisitor Lotus Draqon (he/him), 23.5

The alt for the da:i fandom and my most recent alt.

He's very peculiar in the sense that he was born from the merged souls of Classic and a dragon called Jupiter. No one is sure how this happened but one-day Classic had disappeared. It took a long time to find where he was and the answer was very surprising.

Now with his soul living in as in another person's body, Classic was trapped in a frozen state in another pocket dimension with Jupiter. This meant that as long as Lotus was intact or alive, Classic would not himself be present and neither would Jupiter.

Classic's soul gave Lotus many of the abilities that he himself has, telekinesis, illusion magic, weapon and wing summoning, etc. And Lotus as a person is fairly similar to Classic, some of the differences being Lotus' dragon attributes; his scales, tail, the sword is rather different, bigger horns and bigger wings (and a bigger appetite).

Lotus is also more innocent leaning and shyer. And unlike Classic, isn't such a good swordsman (he gets better with time tho).

Similarly to Classic, Lotus isn't very independent and often depends a lot on the people around him for help and advice. They both also have a giant sweet tooth and love animals. And they both stutter, have trouble pronouncing some words and have motor and verbal ticks (whenever Lotus yawns, burps, gets excited, happy or is frightened he goes "woof!", Classic just makes weird demon noises. Their motor ticks are pretty much the same, twitchy hands, neck and whole damn body).

Though Lotus is more prone to seek out simulation, tapping his claws against a table, playing with his hair and tail and pressing his toe beans. Classic mostly plays with his hair and his shirt sometimes. Also because of dyslexia, they both often have jumbled words when speaking, though with Lotus it's stronger and for him, reading is harder. Lotus is more willing to take risks and go out on an adventure, he has very strong legs and wings that can carry him for hours. And in general Lotus' health is better than Classic's, he's learned to cope with his problems better and cares for himself more.

Also, laser pointers totally work on him.

~~~~~~~

Now, let's get to the other characters in my verse.

Katy Huerta (she/her), 38-41

A retired Special Task Force agent called back on the field after suspicious and unknown signals had started appearing out of nowhere. They were most likely of a supernatural origin and agent Huerta was assigned on the job. Katy is a skilled and headstrong woman with experience with supernatural forces. As a young child, her body is shared by her and a power fire spirit. She can control fire and use it as a weapon, as well as turn into fire herself.

Turns out that classic had been causing waves of magic which turned to signals as he made his way to this world and travelled around it. At the time he was 19 years old. Katy wasn't sure how to approach him as she found him walking around abandoned buildings but she knew she couldn't kill or arrest him, he hadn't done anything wrong. So she took him in. Taught him, mentored him, took care of him. Katy doesn't have much knowledge about magic but she taught him how to use his sword, how to use his mind and how to use his heart. Classic would follow her around like a puppy, mostly because HQ didn't fully trust a demon to walk around by himself. They respected Katy a great deal, but we're very unsure of this decision. Katy didn't care, though, she was sure. Katy's heart is as big as her muscles and just as strong, she never gave up on that boy and she's glad she didn't. She found a lifelong friend and a trusted partner. She was like a mother to him.

Katy is what I like to call the "bridger", she's usually the bridge between the different universes and dimensions. I gave her full knowledge of the different alts, what they are and what they mean. Whenever there's a new alt, she informs the others and looks over the new one, deciding whether or not they should be cautious and stay away or if they can be invited to the "inner circle".

The day when Classic had his soul transferred and himself trapped was something Katy wasn't sure how to take action, she had no idea who "Lotus" was and what kind of alt they were (you can never know, even the nice sounding ones can be mean and the world they live in might not be able to handle Katy's presence). She took a risk and bridged into the world of Thedas to handle the situation.

Coraline Daniel (she/her), 65.5

The pretty typical vampire oc, I'd say.

Coraline is a carefree soul who enjoys being a mysterious shadow in the back of people's minds. One day she's here, another day she's gone. She doesn't burn in the sunlight but her powers weaken a lot, which includes mind control, teleportation and flight.

A true lady and a primadonna; never settles for second best, Coraline is a beauty and rarity and uses it to her advantage. Many people are slow to notice she's already sucking the blood out of their veins, her victims helplessly falling into her traps and under her spell.

All except one.

Agent Katy Huerta; the STF's favourite puppet; a saviour; a righteous knight; a woman of high regard and the only one to catch Coraline's eye. She had been assigned to search for the reason behind recent murders (Coraline's doing, of course) and had successfully tracked the culprit down. Coraline was surprised that her normal tactics hadn't worked and this piqued her interest. Ever since their first meeting, they seemed to bump into each other quite often. It was a classic game of cat and mouse, with a lot more flirting though. And they both seemed to enjoy it.

Coraline could never trap her and she could never catch Coraline in return. Neither of them wanted to. Or did, but the meaning behind it had changed.

Katy would track the vampire to her next destination, catch her red-handed, they'd fight, steal kisses in between and Katy would watch her disappear into the night. It became routine, tradition. Routine was broken when Katy asked her for a date before she could run off again, caught by surprise but regaining composure Coraline accepted. Katy brought her a silver ring as a gift to their date, it was a simple gesture that meant something more to them both.

Akachi (they/them), 12

Akachi was found in Western-Africa, alone and unconscious in a cryochamber at an old hospital. The child was in a deep coma and appeared to have lizard-like attributes. Files showed that they were there because of an illness that threatened to take their life, but nothing else could be recovered.

The STF team took them back to America to take care of them, but no one was sure what should be done. Should they be given up for adoption? Surely that couldn't be safe for the child. Luckily STF's golden girl Katy Huerta stepped up to take care of the child, adopting them. The child's name is Akachi, was what she was told, they were found abandoned and appear to be intersex. And so the child was given in to her care. Once home, Classic had been very curious about the child. They decided to take care of Akachi together.

Back then Akachi had been just 4 years old and they didn't appear to have any memories before the hospital, so adapting wasn't the most difficult thing. Akachi is a gentle soul and a very curious child, very imaginative. Akachi was placed in a special program when starting school, normal school being a distant thought but they got there eventually.

Akachi is very excited about new things, very excited to learn and experience things. Although Katy tries to keep them away from tough adventures, sometimes by accident a certain demon cannot resist the puppy-eyes. Akachi is all too happy to meet new people, they always dream of having a big family and they do consider the alts to be family.

Elizabeth Hart aka Wolfy Heart (she/her), 27

Quite literally my oldest oc, I'm fairly sure that Wolfy was the first oc that I ever made and she's come such a long way since then.

Wolfy is the daughter of a rich German family, not that it matters but I'm just laying down random facts at this point, she grew up fairly similarly to everyone else though, she wasn't spoiled and her parents were very good at parenting and were decent people.

Wolfy is a very motherly person and takes care of her friends a lot, she loves socialising and cooking and is very good at playing the harp. She's very curious and blushes easily, she's very modest. She likes spending time with animals and children and is very creative and fashionable. She's compassionate and wants what's best for everyone, she's a little naïve in that sense.

Wolfy had been good friends with Katy (through a mutual friend) even before Classic came around. And Wolfy was more than happy to welcome him with open arms and warm cupcakes! Wolfy's also like an aunt to Akachi who she also welcomed with open arms and warm cupcakes.

Idk dudes I love Wolfy, she's been there for me through many years and seen some shit, she's amazing, she sometimes makes her own clothes and really likes turtles.

Quality werewolf, would bark again

Katja Storm aka Kstorm (mostly she/they but he is also fine), 30

Kstorm is also a very old character of mine (like Wolfy and Katy), she's been through many changes and I'm finally happy with where she is!

Kstorm is the oldest of (3) three children, she's half Spanish half Korean and she's a DJ and quite enjoys making music. I imagine her style is similar to Porter Robinson but maybe a bit more bass heavy (I just love Porter Robinson y'all)

She's dating a girl named Kayna (Kstorm calls her Kaykay uwu), who's best friends with Wolfy and by correlation, she got invited to the Cool Kids club B)

Kstorm herself is a witch and when Classic came around she got pretty excited (but like low-key, cuz she's cool like that), tbh Kstorm was a big help with assisting Classic to handle and control his magic. While Katy is very agitated about spreading the knowledge about bridging and the alts, but she trusts this group of people.

Kstorm doesn't go on adventures or jump through dimensions much, too busy working but she asks to get herbs and cool artefacts and talismans whenever the others do go.

Kstorm is a cool and collected person, she doesn't like drama and doesn't want to make a big deal out of things, especially if it isn't. She went to medical school to become a nurse before turning into a fulltime DJ and she often puts together charity events at the club she performs at. She's generally loved by her community, though there has been drama and people trying to ruin her name. She lost some of her fans after coming out as genderfluid and pansexual but regained a large following of very supportive followers and fans.

Taika (they/them), ???

Taika is a tall, cat-like forest spirit who came from a very monochrome and old realm, they came to the human realm to experience colour, loudness and life for what it could be.

They don't have a mouth (or nose) so they can't speak and when they were born their limbs were deformed so now they have prosthetic arms and legs (luckily the forest spirits are pretty handy).

Taika is a very innocent and optimistic creature, very curious about humans and other beings.

Taika especially loves a lot of what humans have created and relishes in their culture with loud music, dyed hair, ripped jeans and technology.

Now, Taika doesn't really belong in the Voidverse, but I love them so much that I had to mention them cuz they're literally so precious.

#classic the demon ((joel))#jojo ((joel))#282 ((joel))#cappy the capricorn ((joel))#the voidkeeper ((joel))#lotus dragon ((joel))#everyone's mom ((katy))#your sexy problematic fave ((coraline))#reptile child ((akachi))#she's a pony ((kstorm))#sweet cinnamon child ((taika))#oc #ocs #my characters #voidverse #jojowritesthings

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eurydicecostas-blog · 7 years

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Lost it all, I'm just a silhouette.

WHO: Eurydice Costas.

WHAT: Eurydice finally breaks down.

WHERE: Abandoned parking lot.

WHEN: Friday 9th June 2017.

WARNINGS: Sad. Mentions of the tunnels.

The months that had passed since the ‘incident’ in the tunnels had been the hardest months of Eurydice’s life. Despite the way she’d brushed it off to her peers, it affected her deeply. The need to shield the rangers from further upset and discomfort was far greater than the need to tell them how she really felt, though. Whenever they asked if she was okay, she’d just smile and nod, because it was easier. It was easier than explaining to them just how badly going up against Griffin had damaged her. It was easier than thinking back to that moment where all she could see was Rory’s blue helmet as she drifted into unconsciousness. It was easier than telling anybody that sometimes when she closed her eyes at night, all she could see was the sticky, warm blood on her own hands from the wound that almost killed her. Everything was just easier if nobody but herself knew how she really felt.

It wasn’t that she hated Griffin, no, she actually admired him. Not in the way she admired Rory, or Bianca, and even Sawyer. It was a different admiration. She admired him like he was a big brother, rather than a friend. He was their RA. She trusted him. He had the ability to put a whole room at ease whenever he entered it, and his smile could probably cheer up even the saddest person. That was what made the betrayal so damn hard. It wasn’t that he’d hurt her. It was the fact that someone she trusted had done it, or at least someone with the face of someone she trusted. Someone she looked up to. She could never hate him, though, even if sometimes she really wished she could. Maybe hating him would allow her to release some of the pain that was buried deep inside her.

Ever since she’d woken up in the medical bay, Eury had tried to look at life differently. She’d been trying to be better. Trying to make Aspen happy, and make her proud. She was trying to prove to everyone that she wasn’t some reckless teenager who just wanted to have fun. Eury wanted everyone to know that she was capable of being ‘normal’, and of being the leader that Kat had told her she was destined to be. She’d even talked to Griffin once or twice, and hadn’t completely blasted him when she’d done so. There was no point. It wasn’t his fault. It was Devone’s, and her own. Griffin wasn’t to blame. He was unfortunately just a pawn in a sick little game, and Eury couldn’t blame him.

Meeting Cody was like a blessing and a curse all at once. She made Eury happy, but the romance was also such a whirlwind. There had barely been time for her to breathe since meeting her. Things moved so quickly, and before she knew it, she’d ended up saying yes to being her girlfriend. Taking chances was something she wanted to do after almost dying, but sometimes she had to wonder whether she’d made the right choice. As much as she’d fallen for Cody, there was also that nagging thought in the back of her mind telling her she wasn’t good enough for the girl. She never would be. Cody was good, and she had a beautiful heart. Eury was dark, and her heart was dark, too.

Ranger training had been taking it’s toll, even though that was her own doing. Eury was pushing herself to her limit and beyond, just to prove to Kat and Tommy that she was going to be what they needed her to be - an unstoppable leader that could lead the team to victory. She’d fight the dino bots until her heart felt like it was going to stop, and she’d run the assault courses until there was no breath left in her lungs. While she was fighting to be the best, there was no room for her to dwell on the fact she was actually the worst, or dwell on what had happened to her. There was no time to sit and think it over in her head. She refused to give herself time to process, and time to feel the pain of everything that had happened ever since the island.

Syria and Aspen were on her mind, too. It wasn’t that she didn’t want her sister to be happy, or find someone new. It was just that she knew too much about Syria, and she didn’t trust her. She didn’t trust her with her sister, and she didn’t trust Devone, either. He knew where Syria was, and he could hurt Aspen at any time, if he really wanted to. If he knew that her and Syria were friends, or more than that, then he could use it his advantage. He could hurt her to make Syria do stuff, and the thought of that made Eury’s stomach churn. There was nothing she could do, though. Aspen never listened to her about Griffin when he was evil, so she definitely wasn’t going to listen to her about Syria.

There were just so many things to be stressed out by, and overwhelmed with. It was slowly killing Eury’s spirit day by day. It was chipping away at her, and soon there’d be nothing left.

“Don’t cry, don’t fucking cry,” she mumbled to herself as she wiped at her eyes with the sleeves of her hoodie. “It’s dumb, it’s not worth crying.” Despite what she was saying to herself, Eury knew that this breakdown was justified. It was to be expected when she’d been bottling up so many feelings for so long. She thought that maybe she could have lasted a few months longer, if it weren’t for the fact that she’d learned of Bianca and Griffin’s plans for a date. She wasn’t even mad at them, because she had no right to be. It wasn’t even because of her stupid friend crush on Bianca. It was just that everyone had moved past what had happened, but Eury couldn’t. No matter how much she tried, it was always there in the back of her mind. She couldn’t trust herself to make decisions anymore, and she couldn’t trust herself with Rory. Their adventures barely happened anymore, because she was too scared that she’d lead her into a whole world of pain again. Hell, part of her was even glad the power had been out for so long. It meant that she didn’t have to worry that she was going to get her team killed by making an idiotic, or reckless decision. But God even threw a spanner into the works when it came to that, because in spite, he decided to have her sister and Griffin be trapped in an elevator together. Life hated her. Karma hated her. The universe hated her. It wanted her to live in a constant state of worry, and torment.

Everything was just... No, it wasn’t everything. It was just her. She was broken, not everything else, or anyone else. Just her. And she had no idea how to fix herself. She could put on a facade, and pretend everything was okay, but deep down it wasn’t. Sure, she was in love, and she had good friends, but none of them could understand how she felt. Perhaps that was unfair to think, because she hadn’t even suggested to them that she needed them. No, she just held everything in like she always did, until she burst and the anger, upset, and pain came seeping out in the form of tears.

Eury wished she could talk to someone, and tell them that nothing was as okay as she was saying it was. But she couldn’t. People relied on her. They relied on her to be the strong, fearless, badass leader. They relied on her being the comedic relief who never took things seriously. Her pride also wouldn’t let her tell anyone she needed help. Why did she have to be so stubborn? She knew that if she told Aspen or Rory, they’d be there for her in a flash, and try and make everything better. But she wasn’t going to do that. She wasn’t going to be selfish and drag them down with her. Hiding it was the best thing to do. She’d allow herself a few minutes to cry, then she’d get up from the cold, concrete ground of the abandoned parking lot she always frequented, go back to the dorm, and smile and nod at when asked if she was okay.

Who was she kidding? She couldn’t do that. As soon as someone asked if everything was alright, her bottom lip would definitely quiver, and then they’d immediately know something was very wrong, because Eury didn’t cry. It wasn’t something she did. She’d even had people refer to her as emotionally stunted, because she never expressed anything other than hyperactivity, anger, or super, manically depressive episodes on a bad day. ADHD intensified most feelings Eury felt, and right now? Right now she felt like running into a busy flow of traffic.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she typed in her passcode with trembling fingers. “C’mon Eury, stop being stubborn,” she sniffed, pulling up her contacts and scrolling down until she found the number she needed. “She’s not going to be mad, she loves you, you’re not a burden. She wants you, she does,” she told herself, sucking in a deep breath before pressing the call button. Holding the phone to her ear, she closed her eyes as she listened to the rings. “C’mon, pick up, please...” When she heard the voice she needed to hear on the other end of the phone, a wave of comfort washed over her. “Mama, I’m coming home. I need you. I’ve fucked up again.”

#para003 #para.#para: self.#//sorry for the emo. blame stephanie!

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dreamchaservaile · 6 years

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CEN, Trauma, and Me

((((Reposted since I second guessed myself and deleted the first post, sorry about that, I just feel so guilty, selfish, and whiny for posting it. Thanks to a close friend who managed to read it before I deleted it though, I’ve been encouraged to stick it out. To that friend, thank you.))))

So for starters, let me just say it’s still really hard for me to believe that I’m being anything short of the psychological equivalent of a hypochondriac but in my quest for answers it’s starting to look like that’s less and less likely to be the case for me. That said, I took the CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) questionnaire found at https://drjonicewebb.com/ and found that I scored 100%. I’ve also taken childhood PTSD questionnaires with similar results. Unfortunately I cannot afford to see anyone about these things though so I’m hoping that just putting it out there in the open can help me in some small way.

So what’s the context?

Growing up throughout my entire childhood I was a victim of extreme bullying. I didn’t finally have my very first real friend until the 8th grade and from kindergarten through my senior year of high-school I would deal with things like being pissed on by classmates in the locker room, being pushed against walls in the hall, called things like “ugly”, “retard”, or “faggot” all the time. There were even times when teachers or even the principle would become a part of such bullying. Then when I would get home from school, I’d have to deal with it from my brother and my cousins too. My Mom, try though she did, could never quite handle or help me with the emotional needs this created in my life as she was chronically depressed and suffering from CEN and emotional abuse herself. Sometimes I’d come home from school and the electricity would be shut off and my Mom would be heard sobbing behind the closed door of her bedroom. When she was always so sad, the last thing I wanted to do was tell her how bad my day at school was. She wouldn’t have been able to handle it. It’s not that she never tried to support me emotionally either but I would always notice that when she did, all she could ever say was “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this” as she cried with me. I couldn’t stand seeing her like that so I eventually stopped trying to talk to her about my emotional needs and instead I would distract myself by focusing on hers. I became her counselor in a way out of a feeling of necessity. If I could make my Mom less sad, then home could be just a little happier.

While all of this was going on, I would regularly hear from other members of the family that I “complained too much” or always made “mountains out of mole-hills” or that no matter how bad I had it “someone else always has it worse”. This made me feel guilty about my emotions, like I shouldn’t have been feeling the way I did which made me a selfish person and I didn’t want to be selfish…

Then one day, after attempting suicide in the middle of 6th grade math class surrounded by classmates chanting “DO IT! DO IT! KILL YOURSELF! KILL YOURSELF!” I wound up in a mental institution. This place that was supposed to help me would only serve to make things worse for me though. Instead of any real help, I would never feel like the doctor’s listened to me, instead opting just to put me on a plethora of pills and medications for Bipolar Disorder, Depression, ADHD, Anxiety, and etc. If there were side effects, they would prescribe me with a new pill to treat those side effects then send me off about my way.

Despite always being told I was honest to a fault as a child and that no one believed I was capable of telling a lie with a straight face and everyone saying my brother was the complete opposite; I was still regularly not believed when I would tell the truth while my brother would lie through his teeth and still be believed at my own expense. This resulted in me regularly being in trouble for things I never actually did and no matter what I said or did, no one would ever believe me and when it would upset me I would be told to “quit with the fake tears” or that “no one feels sympathy for me”.

I would also find myself being punished for being the victim of assault at school. When another student would physically attack me, I’d just take it, not fighting back, waiting for someone to intervene and help me only to be punished just as severely as the student who attacked me.

I’ve even been the victim of rape by the hand of a group of girls younger than myself when I was a teen and they told me that if I ever told anyone that they would just say I raped them and then they asked me “who do you think will be believed?”. This only reinforced my sense of helpless vulnerability and the idea that there was no help out there for me. I started to believe that my very existence was to be one of humiliation and suffering and even started to just accept that as my reality and lot in life.

All of these things I’m only just now identifying as things that have dramatically impacted my adulthood in various ways such as avoiding conflict by any means necessary, always putting the needs of others before my own even at the cost of my health, always finding ways to invalidate my own feeling and emotions, not being able to know whether people actually like me or just tolerate/humor me, I even find myself completely devastated when faced with criticism over even the smallest of things. I also feel a sense of apathy towards friends and family, I don’t value people in my life at all the way I feel that I should since my family has always been separated and fractured as far back as I can remember. Having regularly been betrayed too by people I was supposed to be able to trust, I find myself completely unable to form any kind of emotional connection with other people now even though I really want to be able to.

As a kid, I always saw the good in even the worst people, but now as an adult, even if I still see that good in people, it’s overshadowed by the fear of the bad in them I now have. I don’t know how to trust or love anyone anymore, I’m too afraid to because I worry that a day will come when I can no longer see the good in anyone anymore if I do and that thought is the most terrifying to me. If I can’t believe in the good of others and I can’t believe in myself, what then is there for me to believe in at all?

Sorry for how dark and pathetic this post probably comes across as being, I just don’t know what else to do and I’m so tired of living and feeling like this, like I don’t matter and don’t belong. I want to fix this but I don’t know how or where to turn. I need help but I don’t know how and am too afraid to get it, as well as too poor to afford it.

I do have another goal in sharing this though and that is to raise awareness about CEN and childhood trauma by sharing my experience.

#CEN #childhood emotional neglect #emotional neglect #trauma #childhood ptsd #loneliness #am i selfish #i cant connect with other people #why do i feel so apathetic #you are not alone #i feel so alone #ptsdsurvivor #ptsd #i dont want to post this because i feel selfish and guilty in doing so but i think i need to

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fightingeachurge · 7 years

Text

Being Transgender

(2017) By: Beck Landry

It’s hard to imagine being transgender if you are not. That isn’t your fault, it just is a difficult concept to understand. I write this knowing that the vast majority of people do not understand this and explaining it is even harder. Being uncomfortable in your body and not exactly knowing why or even being able to articulate it is not easily imaginable. I am sure some people will stop and think about it and say that they have had some sort of insecurity about their body before, they totally get it! They don’t like their stomach, they didn’t like how their teeth were, and you’re right, everyone is insecure about something or embarrassed or shy about their body, but this is a different level of uncomfortable.

When I was in elementary school, there are many instances I can look back on and pinpoint why they made me trans. One I am going to focus on solely is when I was in fifth grade, and my gym teacher, principal, and mother, all had to have a talk about my breasts developing too much to not wear a bra at school anymore. I remember being miserable about it, feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and hating my chest more than ever. Now, one way to try and make sense of that moment is to say that being a developing girl is a difficult process for everyone and if you’re a “tomboy” then it is especially awkward. The problem with that is that my classmates that were also developing were excited and happy about their bodies, they took pride in their bodies. I felt different. I felt like it was the end of the world. I didn’t exactly understand why, but I knew I didn’t feel normal. I didn’t feel like this was a part of growing older, and I remember crying about it. This isn’t my only memory about being upset about my body, but it is the best example I have. It wasn’t about being shy, it was about my body and what it was developing and how that felt entirely wrong.

Realizing I am transgender was the biggest eye opener of my entire life, it changed everything about me, what I think, how I feel, how I look at myself, and it gave me the words to set to the feelings I had been having for years. I didn’t come to the conclusion on my own, truly, it was the help of someone important giving me little hints, pointing out little things, and lots of denial, but when it came down to it, I took a week to myself to think about the entire concept. There was a lot of crying, a lot of confusion, a lot of memories I never wanted to acknowledge or sort through. I spent hours upon hours in a incognito google window trying to research these feelings I had been having my entire life. Taking quizzes, reading articles, reading help pages, calling the TransLifeline and crying because I didn’t want to accept who I was. But after taking that week to mull over my entire life, I knew who I was, I knew my path. So then it started, my coming out process. I started with those closest to me, and then work, and finally, I talked to my family.

Coming out to my family was the hardest thing I had to do; I planned for weeks. I drafted emails, I cried, I was scared. So I started in the place I figured would be easiest; my dad. My dad and I didn’t live together, we barely spoke, and coming out to him was risk-free because our involvement in eachother's lives with minimal. My father is a conservative republican, and I figured that if he would take it poorly, it wouldn’t matter very much. I called him on an afternoon where I had the house alone. The man who once told me I wasn’t a person and had no rights, sat and listened to me explain myself, nervous and scared for a reaction. All he said was, “that’s it?” and it was the biggest relief I had ever heard in my life. If my dad could understand and support me, then the rest of my liberal democrat family could surely understand!

I came out to my brother next, I handed him my phone with his letter in the car one day, and he didn’t say anything and changed the subject, seemingly indifferent. He knew I had been questioning my gender, and I figured he just knew I had decided and I knew he loved me anyway. I talked to my aunts next, and with caution and concern, they kindly accepted me and said they wanted me to be happy. I left my mom for last.

My mom was the person I had been most scared to talk to, because I was afraid to hurt her. I was afraid that by me coming out, she would feel the loss of a daughter too heavily. So on my way to a work meeting one day, I sent her the long email with the combination explanation/apology, begging for her acceptance and love. Upon arriving home, my nightmare came to life. My mother did not accept or support me, she told me that I was confused and I would thank her later for her lack-of-support because I would see that she was right, she made nasty threats about taking me off the health insurance, about contesting any attempt at a name change, questioning who would ever love me or hire me. She said that this rejection was an act of love that I would thank her for. I didn’t sleep a wink that night.

Since then, our relationship had been strained. Her unquenchable aspiration for biological grandchildren, and complete disregard for my happiness has put us at odds. I cringe every time she speaks my deadname, every time she calls me she/her. Every time she tells my dog to go see his “mommy” (while he blankly looks at her, knowing that he has a daddy and not a mommy.) Each moment she ignores my happiness in pursuit of her own wants, and living in her own fears, I find myself trying to understand her and the rejection I face. This adversity was one I had never felt before. My family had always accepted that I was interested in women, my family had always supported my choices in happiness. In analyzing this, I have started to come up with a few conclusions, because there needs to be a reason. My mother is not typically a bigoted person, and accepts everyone as they are, she is a fighter for civil rights, she is an ally, she is a defender of the people.

Understanding my mother's adverse reaction to my gender seems to come from a place of selfish wants, a place of worry, a place of fear, a place of not understanding, and a place of mourning. She wants biological grandchildren, more than anything in the world, and hormones have the possibility of making my sterile, thus taking away that dream from her. She knows that being transgender is -- in it’s own -- a dangerous and difficult path to be on. She knows that people do not like transgender individuals and are trying to take rights away from them at the current moment, and having a child who is transgender is terrifying when you know that people in this country would like to murder transkids. She doesn’t think that I am transgender, just as she doesn’t think that I am ADHD. I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and despite being tested, she refused to ever accept that I am ADHD, and so I think this is similar. She has this idea of who I am in her mind, then she has this idea of what she wants, and the people she knows, and she wants to put me into a box she has the capability to understand. She doesn’t seem to have the capacity to understand that this has been a consistent and persistent problem in my life for as long as I can remember. She can accept having a tomboy for a child because she was a tomboy as a child, but she grew out of it. But the level of dysphoria I have experienced is incomprehensible to her because she doesn’t understand that when she gave me a women’s blazer to wear to prom my junior year, that it made me feel so wrong and so upset that it nearly ruined my entire night. She found my complete mental breakdown about the jacket -- which was just like a men’s jacket (in her mind) -- to be unreasonable. For someone who has never experienced dysphoria, I understand why she thought I was batshit crazy, and as someone who didn’t understand why I was crying about a jacket not being the right gender of jacket; I didn’t have any explanation. All I knew back then was that I felt ugly and wrong in a woman’s jacket. Now that I am older, have done research, and understand myself better, that was a moment of dysphoria.

If you don’t know what dysphoria is or feels like, it is an extremely uneasy feeling that can lead to extreme states of anxiety and depression. My feelings of dysphoria often feel like the action I am being forced into is a knife pressed against my jugular, and I am inconsolable until everything is “right.” “Right” for me, someone stopping their pursuit of attempting to make me wear/do/think/feel/look like any way that a female would. When I am dysphoric (which has not happened in quite some time now) I am reactive, I am anxious, I was incapable of explaining why doing what I was doing made me feel so violently sick to my stomach, and I would do anything to escape that moment, because it feels wrong. My whole life, I would cry and be “irrationally” upset at the things that people made me wear, the way they tried to make me look, the way that being called my deadname always felt wrong (so I gave myself an androgynous nickname to make it better,) the way I would have a total mental breakdown when I felt like my masculinity was being torn from me, when people called me a lady and I felt weird, when people treated me like a girl and I got angry.

My mother wanted so desperately to have the dream life she envisioned, with the family she envisioned. I think that she spent her whole life waiting for me to change, to do as she pleased, but the sad and most unfortunate truth of all is that though she gave me life, I am not her property. I am not a cattle for breeding, with the sole purpose of giving her a family she always wanted, because ultimately, this is my life to live, and not hers. I am a human, I am my own individual, and my life is mine to live. I want to live a happy life, a life where I actually have a future that I can imagine, where I am not miserable. Despite her best efforts, I cannot make my mother happy and give her the life that she wants to have. She gave birth to a human, and humans are of free will. When she asked me to delay, when she asked me to wait ten years and have children, I don’t think she understood that she asked me to put myself and my happiness and my will to live aside for her. I never wanted to birth children. It was never a future I saw myself having. I always knew I wanted to have children, but I never once had the desire to carry them myself. I could never see myself doing it and the idea of it always felt inherently wrong. But before I even came out I had explained that I did not want to, I couldn’t understand why, but it was an unfathomable experience that didn’t make any sense to me. My life is mine to live, and to not even see a future in that life, not being able to see a future self without immense disgust was not something I was going to live with for a moment longer.

The trials and tribulations that my mother and I are going through are not uncommon. Sometimes, they even more extreme. My mother chooses to ignore my gender, with the hopes that she is right. The unfortunate truth is that I cannot make her understand. She has to do that for herself, and see that living my life the way I am intended to is what makes me happy, confident, and that it is my job to do my best to make a change in perceptions and in the world. I cannot let fear run my life, just as I cannot live my life to make my mother happy, because in the end, I have to do what is right for me. I cannot make my mother understand or accept me, but I can stand up for myself. I can make the choice to be my authentic self, and I can make the choice to correct her. My life cannot be lived according to her desires, because I cannot cast who I am aside to make her happy.

The denial has long passed, and I have started to understand these unexplained moments from my past. Not having the words to convey what you are feeling and why you are feeling it is by far the most difficult and most frustrating thing you will ever deal with. The extremes of my childhood battle with being transgender, and the extreme emotions it made me feel is a story that I am very open and proud to share. I am proud to be transgender. I understand the risks, I understand the difficulties, and financial aspects of my transition. I am aware that this isn’t an easy path, and if you asked me last year what I thought I would look like in twenty years, I would have told you that I have no idea, but I hope to die before I get there, because the idea of being a woman, and living my entire life as a woman has always been so incomprehensible to me. Finally figuring out the missing piece of the puzzle in understanding myself has given me my future. I am no longer afraid of growing older, because I know who I am, and I don’t dread being the man I am meant to be.

#trans #transgender #trans issues #trans positive #trans journey #trans boy #trans man #transpride

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