#like knowing that they didn't even rehearse? that they were crying from the first read??

[wordsarelife]

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧: 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐳𝐲

pairing: theo nott x fem!reader

summary: the night of the concert is here. will theo be able to fix everything between him and pixie?

warnings: bit angst, idiots in love, a bit cheesy

note: not really happy with the outcome of this chapter, but whatever..

you tried not to think about it too much, but despite everything, saturday did not feel normal. it felt like you were missing something.

after you had ignored his messages, your dad had called you several times. you didn't want to speak to him, but you had to admit that it felt good being wanted by him for once.

you didn't know when he last tried to reach out to you.

you spent your day ignoring the time, staring blindly into your book and reading the same page over and over again. you were tempted, but you didn't open the curtain.

your mind had run in circles after what your mother had said last night.

you had worried that everything she said had just been a temporary state, but today she had gotten up before you to make you breakfast. she had still looked a bit sick, but colour was slowly returning to her face and today the had a meeting with her doctor.

she was trying to find a therapist too. not only for her but also for the both of you. she wanted to repair your relationship and she was slowly becoming her normal self again.

she had been right, if you could forgive her, you would maybe eventually be able to forgive theo too.

the pain and fault that had rested on your shoulder had slowly evaporated into thin air, lifting everything that had made your and theo's relationship hard in the first place.

the doorbell rang at around six and you wondered who it was. your mother was still at the doctor's and your friends were already all at the concert hall. or at least that was what you had thought.

"what are you doing here?" you asked as your eyes fell upon enzo and april. "shouldn't you be there already? it's an hour drive"

"that's all enzo's doing" april rolled her eyes jokingly "you would think for someone that has claimed yours and theo's relationship to be none of his business, he would act like it wasn't, but here we are"

enzo ignored his girlfriend's words completely. "you have to forgive him, y/n" he almost begged "you should've seen how distraught he looked at rehearsals today. he's hating himself for what he did"

"enzo, i really-"

"i'd do anything, y/n" he interrupted "he's not himself without you"

"you should've seen him" april pointed to enzo "i let him drive my car this once and he turns it around in the middle of the street and drives back here. we were also already fourty minutes into the drive!"

you had almost laughed, if enzo hadn't been nearly crying in front of you.

"you're everything to him" enzo continued unfazed. "he has loved you for years! all of us saw it right before our very eyes, even your brother! theo loved you from afar for so long, don't you think you can love him back?"

all colour suddenly disappeared from april's face as realization dawned on her. "repeat that!" she said.

"what?" enzo turned his head at her confused "don't you think you can love him back?" he repeated, but april shook her head.

"i mean what you said before that" enzo and you looked both confused now and she rolled her eyes "theo loved you from afar!"

"what?" you asked, but it looked like enzo had realized what she meant.

"yeah!” he threw a fist into the air and turned around himself, loudly screaming.

"am i being filmed?" you looked around for invisible cameras.

"y/n" april laughed as enzo continued dancing behind her. "you're daisy"

"i'm what?" you asked with a dry laugh. "are you alright?"

"daisy buchanan" enzo said loudly "you're daisy buchanan and theo is jay gatsby"

"no, that's-"

april interrupted you, before you could tell them how crazy all of this sounded. "he loved her from afar" she quoted in a deeper voice, obviously mimicking theo.

as if that wasn't enough enzo chimed in, spotting a high-pitched voice, undoubtly quoting you "then he could've stayed on his fucking side of the lake, instead he threw these gigantic parties, just hoping for one single person to show up. is that what it is to you? having an unhealthy obsession with something that could lead to your death and calling it love?"

"he loved her because she wasn't easy. he loved her because being with her meant not knowing what's to come, because being with her meant to never grow bored" april continued.

"did we read the same book? because i read a book in which a foolish man spends his entire time obsessing over a woman who doesn't love him, atleast not as much as he loves her and later he dies, because he wants to save her and she doesn't even bat an eye, before she goes back to her husband" enzo rattled that down like he had learned text for a whole musical.

april smiled. “that’s why he defended daisy as if his life depended on it. because she is you!”

they both looked at you expectingly.

"i don't know what is weirder about this" you shook your head "that you both can effortlessly quote something theo and i said weeks ago or that you decided enzo should play me. that was the worst girl voice i ever heard, april's mimicking of theo was at least believable"

"that's what you took from this?" april sighed.

"she said we effortlessly quoted them" enzo pointed out "that means she remembers" he tapped a finger to his head.

"wait, you're right" april laughed "oh, you're so smitten!"

"we should really go now" enzo reminded with a look to his phone. "well, are you coming or not?" he asked.

"i don't know, guys"

"as is said before” she pressed “theo was obviously talking about you" april reminded "you're daisy! what's there not to know?!"

enzo seemingly had enough, as he massaged the space between his eyebrows. "why are you and theo always making it so unnecessarily hard? do you love him?"

you smiled "i do"

"do you want to see him?"

"yes"

"then what are you waiting for?!" he took your arm, pulled you out of the house and closed the door. "come on!" then he pushed you and april to the car.

"first he has time to come and get you and now we have to run like someone is chasing us" april muttered under her breath and you giggled.

enzo was really reminding you of a family father right now.

he started to drive just as your arse had hit the seat. you were able to close the door just in time, before it could make contact with the stone wall.

"enzo!" april scolded "that's still my car!"

"hold on tight, woman!" he screamed "we're not going to miss this concert!"

and he was right, because he turned the car as if he was testing at how much speed he could take the turn.

to your surprise, you made it in time, with all your body parts still attached.

"that was—"

"awful!" april interrupted as she opened the door and got out "you're never driving this car again!"

"sorry, sweetheart" enzo was close behind her and you followed suit, unsure if you could come inside without them.

inside the venue, enzo kissed april goodbye before he headed behind the stage. “let’s find a good place to watch them, yeah?” april smiled and you nodded.

you walked through the crowd, not too close to the stage, but good enough.

“hey” a voice said and both you and april turned around. “you’re y/n?” the guy was wearing a headset and clipboard. he looked like he belonged to the venue.

“yeah?” you asked surprised. were you not allowed to be here?

“mr l/n told me to come and get you” the guy explained “he has a vip place on the right side of the stage. he said you both were with him?”

you looked around the people in front of you until your eyes caught the space he was talking about. there was your father, staring right at the stage.

april followed your line of sight. “we don’t have to” she said to you, before she turned her head to the unfamiliar man “we would rather stay here”

“are you sure?” he asked and looked to you expectingly.

“no” you said quickly and were surprised by yourself “we’re coming”

you followed the man through the crowd of people.

“what are you doing?” april muttered, clutching your arm.

“i can’t always run away from difficult feelings”

“okay” she nodded “just give me a sign and i’ll knock him out”

“thank you, april” you smiled “you’re the greatest friend i ever had”

she smiled and you could see how much your compliment flattered her. “i’m glad that you are coming back to normal” she giggled, as she wrapped an arm around your body.

“hey april” your father greeted when you stood in front of him. april said a hesitant hello, before she nudged your arm and told you she would wait for you.

once april had left you alone, both of you didn’t know how to act.

“h-hey” your dad said, before he opted for an awkward side-hug.

“hi dad”

“how have you been?” he pushed a hand through his hair. you could see him struggling, he didn’t know what to say, just how you didn’t know.

you smiled and shrugged. he nodded.

“can we stop doing this?” you finally asked “this feels so forced. we haven’t talked in a year and that’s shit, but we don’t have to ignore it happened, okay?”

“i’m sorry” your dad shook his head “i thought all of this would be easier, but you’re not little anymore and-“

“-i’m not as forgiving as i used to be” you interrupted “what you did and what you said was actual bullshit, dad. you messed everything up and i think you’re responsible that i have such a hard time trusting people”

“peanut” he muttered.

“why didn’t you call?” you asked as tears fell over your cheeks “why didn’t you want to be my dad anymore?”

he couldn’t look you in the eyes. “what happened wasn’t your fault”

“i know”

“yeah, but i made you feel like it was” he admitted “i said horrible things and i brought you back home like i didn’t want to see you. i was ashamed, i thought you didn’t want to see me after what i had said to you that night”

“i needed my parents. there’s no excuse for you not atleast trying to be there” you shook your head “you could’ve tried” you added, crying.

your father didn’t say anything. he nodded, before he softly touched your shoulder. “i would love to try” he said gently “if you still want me to”

“yeah” you nodded “but i don’t think i can just forgive. it’s gonna need a lot more than a promise from you”

“i know” a tear slipped over his cheek. “i want to make it alright. theo made me realize what i did to you and i’m so ashamed, peanut” he gulped “i just want to be your dad again”

“i want you to be that” you softly hugged him and it felt more normal than before. “but we have to fix a lot for that to happen”

“i know and i will try to make it work again”

“hey, sorry” april leaned around the body of your dad “they are starting now”

you smiled at your dad, before you loosened the hug and all three of you walked further up to the barrier.

“hey guys!” theo said into the microphone “we’re cursed legacy. this is cheap wine!”

you watched him closely, how he gripped the microphone. his voice flew through the speakers, making you shiver. the veins on his necks were more obvious when he came to the chorus, pouring his heart right into your ears.

now you’re dancing along,

to his newest song,

laughing like you did when you were mine,

and it hits me, cause i can’t fix it,

on the bottom of your lip,

reminder how it is,

but there’s still a drop of my cheap wine.

the song ended and you opened your eyes. april was jumping up and down, loudly screaming.

your father smiled impressed. “they’re really good”

“i know” you nodded proudly.

after cheap wine, cursed legacy played eight packs of cigarettes, you get me so high, only angel and neon nights.

before theo could announce the next song, dave fraser entered the stage.

you and april exchanged a confused look, when you noticed theo and dave eagerly discussing something. theo shook his head, more than once, before he sighed.

“and now” dave had grabbed the mic that had been standing next to enzo unused. “make some noise for pixie dream girl”

you clenched your teeth and noticed the look on theo’s face. he looked about as happy as you did.

enzo started playing the chords, blaise and mattheo starting right after him, before finally draco joined.

theo‘s eyes wandered over the crowd, before they finally landed on you.

no, you thought, as you saw the conflict in his eyes. then he did what you had feared. he didn’t start singing.

the band exchanged confused looks, before they repeated the same progression of chords. the crowd hadn’t noticed that theo missed his cue, but they would if he would continue to not move and just stare at you.

“is something wrong?” your father muttered beside you.

you didn’t take your eyes off of theo, but shook your head.

“i’m sorry” theo finally moved and started speaking. the music behind him died down. “i can’t do this” he sent his bandmates a regretful look, before he jumped down from the stage and started making his way through the crowd in the direction of the door.

you started walking at the same time. but not to him.

“y/n?” april called confused.

you walked behind the stage. maybe theo really wanted to throw everything away because he had been an idiot and wrote that dumb song, but you wouldn’t let him.

“hey” you said into the spare microphone, when you entered the stage. the crowd, who had been turned in the other direction as they looked after theo, turned around.

and so did theo.

you could almost hear the sigh of relief that escaped mattheo‘s lips. the rest of the band seemed to be relieved to see you too.

“ehh, i’m pixie” you smiled and you were as confident as if pixie really was your name. “and this is pixie dream girl”

you nodded to enzo, who promptly started playing. after a few seconds of confusion, the rest of the band joined in.

i’m an average girl, with tangled up hair,

my laughter's like nails on a chalkboard, it's more than he can bear.

i flutter around, like a clumsy old crow,

leaving chaos behind me, wherever i go

if you had to sing that stupid song, you would at least change the lyrics in a way that was fun.

he‘s pretty average too,

a thorn in my side, believe me it’s true,

he‘s up all night, screaming his songs,

i‘ll stay awake, and sing along!

you could see the smile enter theo‘s face.

the rest of the band seemed pretty impressed by your spontaneous ability to change the lyrics. you could also hear enzo add a few improvised riffs.

you raised your arm, waving for him to come and join you. he walked his way back through the crowd, as you sang the chorus.

but oh, as she dances and sings to her favorite song,

in nothing but a long shirt, dancing all night long,

she’s enchanting, in her rhythmic twirl,

oh in her eyes, she‘s a pixie dream girl.

he entered the stage and his laughter was reaching your ears through the loudness of the crowd and the instruments. you laughed with him.

he smiled to his bandmates, shaking each of their hands as if to apologize, before he walked up behind his own microphone stand, a few feet away from you.

you nodded for him to start the next line. it seemed that he had caught on to your lyric changes.

she's a pixie dream girl, and i get the hype,

she sings in the shower, it‘s just my type.

she talks too loud, and she never shuts up,

but i’m pretty sure i won‘t ever get enough.

you turned your head and smiled at him. he looked so beautiful as he was illuminated by the stage lights. his hair seemed to glow and you felt the sudden need to touch it and push it out of his eyes.

you started singing the pre-chorus.

he's a daring challenge, a relentless test,

but i need him around, never giving me rest.

theo added the last two lines, before the chorus began again.

she'll chatter and flirt, driving me mad,

i'm losing control, it's really too bad.

it was the first time that you guys sang together in a long time. your voices harmonized perfectly and you could see enzo and matt smile at each other when they noticed.

theo smiled his typical smile, the one you grew to despise, but could not love less right now.

you got rid of the pullover you were wearing (deciding that it wasn't the right piece of clothing for a rock concert) and were left in just a top. the stage lights were hot.

you pulled your microphone from it's stand, walking across the stage. draco winked at you when you put the pullover down next to his keyboard stand. you smiled at him, as you started laughing.

you walked back to the microphone stand and continued singing the bridge.

but oh, she turns behind the window glass,

It’s not the first time, but maybe it’s the last

I just hope she’ll never stop her twirl,

oh, in my eyes, she's my pixie dream girl.

before the instrumental part of the music started, you turned to theo, who was already looking at you. he took a step in your direction. you did the same.

"i'm sorry" he said "about everything, i should never have-"

you weren't even angry anymore. you had already forgiven him everything.

"no" you shook your head "i'm sorry for pushing you away at a time where we both needed each other"

"we both are idiots, huh?" he muttered over the music and you nodded laughing.

the band started playing the same set of chords again, dragging out the instrumental part.

"i love you" theo finally said. his words made your heart flutter. and up here on this warm stage you couldn't have been happier.

"i love you" you replied, the same sincerity in your voice.

theo's smile grew impossibly bigger, before he softly took your face in his hands and connected your lips. the crowd roared. you both turned to theo's microphone as you sang the chorus together.

but oh, as she dances and sings to her favorite song,

in nothing but a long shirt, dancing all night long,

she's enchanting, in her rhythmic twirl,

oh, in my eyes, she's my pixie dream girl.

the last few chords of the song rang out the crowd started cheering. you smiled down on all the people who were before you, before your eyes turned to the barrier, where april and your dad were still standing.

april was holding two thumbs up, while your dad looked a bit confused.

theo outstretched his hand and drew you close to his body. you hugged him tightly and he pressed a kiss on your head.

the crowd was still cheering and you could hear nearing footsteps. a second later, mattheo threw his arms around the both of you. it didn't take long for enzo, blaise and draco to join your group hug.

you laughed loudly as they began jumping around on the stage, loudly celebrating their very first official concert.

you were sure you could not have been happier than in that moment.

taglist: @7s3ven @madi-potter @shereadsandcries @getosbeloved @mischieftom @wolfstar-jpg @t00thfairy20 @chcrrysblog @aestramjackson @elina3011 @kr1nqu @hopeless-y @mitskiswift99 @fallingblackveils @ahead-fullofdreams @helendeath @schaebickel @chubbychasermattheotruther @punkprincess03 @subparslytherin @girlbooklover555 @sakanelli-afc @cobrakaisb @ellen3101 @simp-for-fantasy

additonal note:

this is cursed legacy's debut album. i was supposed to upload this in chapter four, but actually forgot..

leo is the one in the middle. (mattheo mentions it in chapter four)

[yan-lorkai]

hellooooo I would like to request hdcsn yandere for vil schoenheit plsss, this can be general or whatever you like, I just want to read more about vil yandere >^< tkm

*･゜ﾟ A/N: Yan!Vil is adorable, isn't? I did some general hcs for him awhile ago (link's here) though I probly gonna redo it when I have time since I wrote that when I first enter the fandom. For this headcanon I focus more on the platonic side, so I hope u like it!

*･゜ﾟ Warning: Very soft yan!Vil cuz I really love him, platonic yandere, overprotectiveness, stalking, poison and potions, implied manipulation and fluffy. Rook and Epel have a slight appearance too!

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ In a platonic relationship some things are off the table: kidnappings or punishments are unlikely to occur but not impossible. And it's true that Vil isn't as demanding of you if you're just friends, despite that he would still like to take care of you.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ He would like to do your skin care, take you to lunch or just be there for you when you need him, you are like the little sibling he wished he had so much when he was younger. He's been known to be a bit possessive of your time and overprotective of you especially if you're a few years younger than him, but Vil tries hard not to be suffocating or maybe it will push you away from him. And he couldn't stand it, your friendship is very important to him.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Even though he is jealous and will passive aggressively criticize your other friends and/or lover behind your back, none of them are worth much in his opinion. And you certainly don't believe it when they come to you to tell you that Vil is a big meanie, how could you? He is always attentive and sweet to you. Vil is strict, of course, but he wouldn't do that. And you believe him more than you believe them.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ So many friendships and relationships fall apart because you can't see that he was pulling you away from the people he didn't think was right for you. In his eyes, you deserve more. Someone who will love you unconditionally with all your flaws and strengths, someone who will treat you like a deity, but there's no one else worthy of you and even if there was, Vil wouldn't approve of them.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ He wants to be someone's hero and if you happen to like his movies Vil will be sure to take you to the set so you can see how things work behind the scenes. He likes to hear your thoughts on the character he's playing now and would like to rehearse some scenes with you, and if you were an actor/actress he'd pull some strings to get you offered a role in the same movie.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Your presence is comforting for him and the simple attention he receives from you is enough to make him calm down in moments of anguish or anger, especially if he sees magazines and news comparing him to Neige or if he has to put up with grueling hours of modeling.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ One of his favorite pastimes is teaching you about poisons, any kind of poison, and potions. He knows a lot about them and while he loves seeing your curious eyes and hearing your questions about this or that, Vil also thinks how ironic it would be if he used those same potions on you just in case he needed to, just enough to make you sick and for him to care for.

.⁠｡⁠ * ⁠ ♡ At Vil's behest, Rook is always watching your movements and protecting you from dubious influences. But he is unable to tell you that Vil's behavior is abnormal because he loves watching the two of you interact with an almost dreamy sigh, getting a free pass to walk you to your classes and help you study Rook absolutely adores your innocence and he knows why Vil tries so hard to protect you.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ You are a precious little thing and he would love to see you shaking and crying if he could hunt you down, one can always dream. Even though he knew his queen would poison him if he tried anything against you.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Sometimes Vil invites you to etiquette sessions to teach you about posture, table etiquette and the like - while it's boring, you've gotten used to it by now. And usually Epel is always present at these sessions, trying to get away from them or mumbling under his breath the whole time and you can't stop yourself but try to help him, Vil's expectations are high but you know how to meet them perfectly.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Or, distract him enough that he doesn't notice how sloppy your movements are or that you've already forgotten how to behave at an important dinner. However, he definitely notices your distraction btw, he just can't get mad at you when all he wants to do is pinch your cheeks. Epel, on the other hand, is not so lucky but at least the boy has someone to spend time with during these tedious lessons.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Like I said before, he sees you like a little sibling so of course Vil always takes you to his place during the holidays and he shows you all the coolest sights there if it's your first time in his hometown. A friendship with him is comfortable and full of affection, and Vil will make every second of your time count.

[soothinglee]

even if my heart stops beating⏤✰

seungmin x reader | 1.6k✔︎

my notes⎯ hello everyone ! I know it's been a while since I've actually wrote something ! I actually got hit by a bus! yeah I had to sue this company called "writers block" and I finally got a settlement! (also happy new year!) I recently (like a week ago) got into Kpop, specifically Stray Kids ! I've read some fan fictions (shameless) about some of my favorites and got inspo to write one! thank you @soobnny . also I haven't wrote anything in a while so i'm a little rusty, i'll be as good as new soon!

warning⎯ mentions of vomit (used as word vomit) and crying.

genre⎯ angst to comfort.✔︎

songs⎯ six feet under; billie eilish | pretty boy; the neighborhood

the old rusted clock that came with the condo you and seungmin bought sits perched on the top of the fridge. Its old, wooden frame slowly caves in on itself as time goes on.

not even an hour or two ago you had happily entered your home to start cooking dinner, not even worrying about showering first because you were so excited to have dinner with your boyfriend.

even going out of your way to spend a hundred dollars over the amount you usually spend to give seungmin the greatest 'welcome home' feast. he and the rest of stray kids had been on tour for the last couple months, traveling all over the world to perform at concerts and do collaborations with other idols to promote their new albums.

sure, it had been lonely, being by yourself all of the time, the only glimpse of your boyfriend you could get is when he could facetime you for 2 minutes or when he responded back to a text 4 hours later. but you understood, you knew what you were getting yourself into even when you started becoming friends with him.

if anything, you were strong, understanding, and flexible to when he couldn't make it to something like a movie night or date when his plane arrives later or practice runs over.

the only thing now, is that he had promised you that he could make it on time to dinner. sending countless 'I swear ill be there' texts and swift calls ensuring his presences at the dinner table during his dance rehearsals.

but now you were sitting at the table alone. a cold jajangmyeon sits in the platter in front of you, a similar on across the table from you. looking up at that old clock the hour turns to 10 and he's officially 2 hours late. it wasn't unknown for him to run a little over his time but this was unbelievable. you curse yourself for being naive and truly thinking he would keep to his word.

as you get up and clean the meal that you created you feel a little piece inside of you break, watching your hard work spill into the leftover containers like your tears. this was embarrassing, waiting around like a puppy in hopes your owner comes home. you were loyal and hopeful to a fault but wasting time and money like this was just unacceptable.

by the time seungmin walked through the front door it was half pass midnight and you had situated yourself infront of the t.v watching a new drama a colleague from work recommended.

"(name)." he calls out, you hear his shoes hit the wall as he takes them off, and then theres a shuffle as he organizes them on the shoe rack. you hear him leave his keys in the bowl on the desk that was by the front door, his footsteps growing louder as he nears the living room.

"(name)." he calls out again, seeing you lay in a cocoon of blankets in the dark, he think maybe you're sleeping so he quietly discards his winter coat on the back of the couch. he flicks on the lamp on the other side of the couch to bring in some light. though when he comes around to sit down he finds your eyes wide open, "why didn't you answer me when I called?"

"why didn't you come on time like you promised?" you quipped back quietly, suddenly too exhausted to have any conversation with him. you try and sink further into the thick blanket as you watch the Netflix symbol load and the next episodes intro plays.

you can't see his face but when he sighs and shifts in his spot you can hear the hesitance, "you already know why, practice ran late, like always."

"whatever."

"'whatever?' what's going on with you?"

"nothing." your tone is snipped but honestly you couldn't care less. somewhere in your soul you feel as though this might be a little extreme of an reaction but there is only so much patience you can give one person. you constantly make time for him and this relationship, so why couldn't he move things around and do the same for you? your eyes remain on the television.

seungmins eyes dart quickly to the t.v and then back to you, noticing that your full attention isn't on him, so he leans over you and goes to grab the remote from your hands. at the sudden loss of contact you make a move to try and get the remote back from him but he effectively powers down the t.v and discards in on the coffee table.

"I'll only repeat myself so many times, what's going on?"

it was like a newfound energy fizzled at your toes and pushed itself up and towards your head, your body springs up from its sideways position and you angle yourself to face seungmin.

though the light was somewhat dim due to only the lamp being on, he could see the red-rim of your eyes and the dried streaks of tears sticking to your cheeks. obviously, it had been evident that you had been crying.

seungmins eyes soften for a moment, he reaches out to try and smooth out the puffiness of your cheeks but as soon as you see his hand coming you push it away, "you were crying?" it comes out more of a statement than a concerned question, but the worry was still evident in his tone.

"duh," you start, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in the tense space, you find comfort in the carpet on the ground. you were feeling...nervous. you didn't want to cause anymore problems but things won't get solved unless they are discussed, which in all honesty, the thought of confrontation in the first place is feared.

you need to get it out, you can't stop living like this. deep down you know he cares but you have to stop going off of assumptions. either he's going to show up or not, it was clear already that you showed up no matter how busy you were.

"do you even still love me?"

the question tumbles from your lips before you could even process what you were saying. maybe it wasn't what you wanted to convey exactly but it was definitely a start.

"what?" his airy voice sounds dumbfounded which makes sense. the intense look you're giving him plus the profound, out-of-the-blue question throws him off guard.

of course he loves you, why would you ever think anything different? "where is this coming from?"

"well it's just that every time we have something planned your work gets in the way. I spend hours and hours getting ready, trying to look my best, just to waste the day sitting on the couch waiting for you to come home. sometimes I'm waiting so long I fall asleep! I put so much effort into being a good girlfriend! hell, I even spent over 100 dollars on dinner tonight because I knew you had a hectic day, it took me two hours to make it just for it to go cold and put into a container,"

your voice chokes up, full of exhaustion and disappointment. you feel the tears pooling in your eyes but have no energy to stop them. you really want to quit the word vomit but there's no point, theres more to be said.

"I try so hard to not get disheartened but it gets so hard when you don't even try. sometimes I feel like you don't even care about this relationship anymore, like you don't care about m-"

just as you were about to finish your words were muffled by hands on your face, and lips on yours. seungmin had kissed you to stop your rambling. you couldn't help but to feel relieved and somewhat offended.

"stop." he whispers as he takes a breath, his hands still on your face, foreheads connecting, "please stop." his voice crack under pressure, its subtle but at the lack of distance between you two you can hear it so well. your eyes are closed, trying to get your own tears at bay but hearing how emotional he's becoming breaks you. a sob teeters at your bottom lip but you force it still.

"don't you ever think that I don't care. I always have." he pauses and wipes the stray tears on your face with his thumbs, "I'm so sorry I've made you feel like this. god I'm such a bad boyfriend, this is my fault."

you try to move away to comfort him but he holds you in place gently, you sniffle and reach up to brush the bangs from his face.

"I promise you I'll be more attentive, ill take you out everyday, spend as much time with you, cook for you, miss practices all the time just to make sure you know I care about you."

"you promised earlier but you didn't come!" you cry, recounting how long you waited.

"I know!" his voice quivers as his hands tremble, lightly shaking your head, "I know...and i'll never forgive myself. you don't know how much you've shaped me into the person I am now and I- I have no clue what I would do without you. I just have a poor way of showing it."

you grip on his wrists, mimicking him with your eyes squeezed shut, you stopped trying to keep the tears in awhile ago, letting them fall freely into your covered lap. "how do I know I can trust you? I'm so sick of feeling like this."

"I promise you I will prioritize you more than anything, Idol life, dancing, singing- whatever, does not come before you. I won't leave you hanging like this anymore, i'm sorry I didn't pay more close attention to your feelings," his bottom lips shakes as he takes another deep breath, he opens his eyes and you can see pass the tears and sorrow a new found determination.

"even if my heart stops beating, you're the only one I need."

past your wary judgement...you believe him...

[oursecretescape]

Forgotten

words: 7.5k

genre: angst

If my fate is to disappear like this, then this is my last letter - Let go xx TW: Mentions of anxiety, panick attack. Trad: anjinho = little angel. a/n: Hello, my babies. This story is the translation of ''Forgotten'' that I recently posted. I tried to make it as angsty as possible, hope I have achieved my goal. My apologies before hand for any grammar erros. English is not my first language. I suggest you all read it along with the saddest song you like. Well... with all that being said, I wish you a happy reading (or sad? lmao. dunno). Tell me later what y'all thought. ♥

"Hey! We'll be there soon. Sorry for the delay. Today's rehearsal took longer than expected. We're leaving now."

Received at 5 in the afternoon.

I take a quick glance at the clock, and it shows eight in the evening. A heavy sigh escapes my lips as I feel my heart drumming slowly in my chest, each beat amplifying my growing sense of unease.

I get up from the couch and reach for the umbrella swaying gently in the wind coming from the window. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath, attempting to manage the sudden surge of fear and despair growing in my chest. My heart is racing, and my mind is in overdrive. A sense of mortality and suffocation, all rolled up into a single emotion: anxiety.

I sit down, sliding along the corridor wall. I try to control my breathing while attempting to steady the pounding of my heart. I think that dying in the hallway of a building would be so pointless and dull that it makes me laugh. A laugh, strained and devoid of emotion, but functional.

Heart rate normalizing. Labored, but controlled breathing. Mind stabilized.

I feel my face wet with tears. I wipe them away with trembling hands. When did I start crying? I rise from the floor, swaying a little. I take another deep breath and press the elevator button.

Dad always said that thinking of ridiculous things in difficult moments would help distract me. He was right, as he always was.

The cold, damp breeze of Seoul's streets warmed my soul. Its black skies, like darkness, covered with thick clouds, carried heavy raindrops that, upon impact, met my umbrella, creating beautiful melodies. It was comforting to hear the drops hitting the hard concrete; they reminded me that I wasn't crying alone.

It was thundering when I arrived at the destination. Bright streaks in the sky made the monument even gloomier. I found it ironic how everything matched my feelings. As I entered through the doors, I could already hear muffled cries. Sadness and suffering permeated the air, leaving me melancholic.

After a few more steps, I could see the person I love the most in the world greeting me with a beautiful smile. His eyes were shining like true rays of sunshine. I sit in front of him, sliding my fingers where his name rests. Lee Joon-Ho.

"Dad, I miss you so much," I say aloud, my voice cracking with emotion. "It's been incredibly lonely without you here. You have no idea how much I long for your company," I said, feeling the salty taste of tears. "I'm sorry I couldn't bring my friends to meet you like I promised. They're all caught up with their own lives, you know how it is. But don't worry, I'll bring them next time when they're less busy," I chuckle, with no emotion.

I hear footsteps behind me. I stand up excitedly, my heart pounding, but this time as a sign of comfort. They didn't forget. I feel my face stretch into a small smile, which is quickly dissolved.

"Hello, young lady. Good evening," the guard gives me a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I need to ask you not to linger too long on your visit today. The rain caused some minor leaks, and we'll have to close a little earlier."

"Oh okay, I understand," I responded in a whisper.

"I'm sorry. You have 10 minutes. I'll leave you alone," he said, bowing and leaving promptly.

I turn again, sitting on the floor.

"Dad, today I have to leave a little earlier. But don't worry, I'll be back soon," I feel the tears fall like the drops falling from the sky. "I love you so much," I say between sobs. "I miss you."

I stand up in desperation, running out the door, feeling the drops fall freely on my body, without the protection of the umbrella. It was as if I was washing away all the bad feelings flowing from my being.

Arriving home, I take a hot shower and change into comfortable clothes. The room were in dense darkness. It was just the rain and me. And my cat, who was rubbing against my leg, lay on my lap."

I feel my chest inflate with comfort at the presence of the little being and smile at the gesture.

With the phone in hand, I try to distract my restless mind. I see the Twitter icon and feel my heart pounding as if I shouldn't do this, but I do it anyway. The blue screen shining amidst the darkness of the room soon turns into white, leaving my vision blurred. I switch to dark mode and continue scrolling through my feed.

Within a few seconds, I see something that breaks my heart even more. Among the bursts of excitement from Armys, there are videos of the boys, my boys, having fun in a restaurant with her. They forgot about the visitation day because of her. Again, the reason why I was put aside is her.

Knocks on the door make me forget the feelings of jealousy and anger that burned in my body like fire. I hesitated to remove the furry creature from my lap, as it seemed so comfortable. With a little effort, I get up and walk to the door. Upon opening it, I see Adora's face in a comforting smile. Seeing a friendly face, I feel my tears fall freely on my face once again. She immediately drops the bags she was carrying and envelops me in a loving hug.

I can't say for how long we hugged. What I can say is that it was exactly what I needed at that moment. I feel my chest getting lighter as if all the bad feelings had been carried away by the embrace, and I feel grateful to Adora for that.

Slowly I pull away, and I can see her smile return twice as big.

"Better?" she asks, making me nod.

I step aside, and she enters, placing the food bags on the coffee table. I close the door and follow her.

"What did you bring?" I ask curiously, making her laugh.

"I knew food would cheer you up," she laughs. "I brought a lot of junk food. Sweet and savory cookies, ice cream, sweet and sour pork, hamburgers, and sodas."

"Soda?" I wonder. "Since when do you like fizzy drinks? You always said they gave you gas," I hold back a laugh.

"The soda is for you. For me," she reaches into the bag, pulling out two green bottles of soju. "I brought alcohol," she says sticking her tongue out as she shakes the bottles.

I smile at her little dance, but seeing her gummy smile reminds me of him. I feel the sadness wanting to return when I remember the videos, but I cast aside any bad feelings as I grab the ice cream container.

"I didn't want to bring it up, but I'm really sorry I wasn't there. You know how it is at BigHit. I couldn't leave the production until the work was finished," she explains, and I smile.

"It's okay. I understand," I whisper. "The important thing is that you're here now."

"About the boys..." she starts to say, but I quickly cut her off.

"No, it's fine. I don't want to talk about it."

"But you need to, Cassie. You know that. Keeping it all inside will only make it worse. You know you can trust me. Vent it out. I'm here," she holds my hand.

I close my eyes, nodding. I search within myself for the strength to let out everything I'm feeling. Everything that's hurting me. I bite my lower lip and open my eyes. It's going to be okay.

"It's been some time since my friendship with the boys started cooling off," I begin, feeling her squeeze my hand in comfort. "You know I met Tae before he became famous, and he's the one who introduced me to the rest of the boys. Since then, we've had a very strong friendship. We weren't always together, especially with the tours and my work, but we were close, like a real family. No matter how long we went without seeing each other, nothing changed, until recently," I sigh. "Park Ji-Hye showed up about 2 months ago, a few weeks before my dad passed away. She auditioned for the dancer position and passed the test," Adora nods.

"Yeah, I saw her audition," she says.

"So, since that day, I saw her getting closer and closer to the boys. They were always talking about how cool and funny she is, and, you know, I was happy for them. A new friendship is always good, especially for them, who are famous and always have to be careful with opportunists. But it never crossed my mind that she would take the place I had in their lives," I smile sadly. "They started visiting me much less. Calling me much less. Inviting me to the dorm or out much less. Until the day I literally became nothing to them," I look at Adora, whose face is red with anger.

"These..." I interrupted her.

"You don't want to lose your job, right?" I ask, laughing. "And you can't blame them either. She became their official dancer, which means wherever they go, she's with them," I shrug. "She's with them all the time, and that surely made them closer to her. Even more than me," I feel my eyes welling up. "I don't want to lose them, but I feel like I already did."

"Hey," she shakes me. "Calm down, breathe. I know they messed up. And they messed up badly, but it doesn't mean they've forgotten about you," Adora says, trying to comfort me.

"They forgot me the day my dad died, Adora. I'll never forget that. I feel like on that day, I died twice. I remember calling them in desperation, crying, not knowing what to do, feeling like my world was falling apart," I pause as I feel all the emotions returning. "And they said they were coming, but they never showed up," I continued after a few seconds of silence. "After that, they sent me a message explaining that Park Ji-Hye had gotten hurt dancing and they were with her at the hospital," Adora nods.

"Yeah, I remember. She just fell on her butt, but she made a scene like she broke her back. Everyone was freaking out at the company, even Bang PD. But in the end, it was just drama," she laments.

"After that, they didn't even visit me. Not even once," I laughed with no emotion. "Right after, they forgot my birthday. I understand that I wasn't excited at all because of my dad, but it wouldn't hurt to receive some supportive or congratulatory messages from them. I was so upset that I sent some sad texts. In less than thirty minutes, they were knocking on my door. We cried a lot, but I felt like a part of me had come back to life and that everything was going to be okay," I sarcastically laughed. "I couldn't have been more wrong, could I?" I asked.

"Cassie..."

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. After today, I finally understood," I grab a spoon. "They found someone better than me. Someone who can be with them all the time and help them when they need it. I'm just sad that person isn't me. Not anymore," I shove the spoonful of ice cream into my mouth, to prevent the tears stuck in my throat from coming out.

For the rest of the night, Adora didn't bring up the subject again, and I was grateful for that.

A random movie played on TV, but my mind was far away. I looked to the side and saw Adora sleeping with her mouth open. A piece of cookie rested on her cheek while her hand lay above her head. I silently chuckled, covering us and then turning off the TV.

A distant ringing sound caught my attention. I tapped around the couch until I found the phone under the cushion. My eyes automatically closed from the sudden contact with the bright screen, but just as they closed, they widened.

After the first notification, thousands started to show up. My heart throbbed in my chest as my body was flooded with nervousness.

"Min PD: Cassie, please tell me you're there."

"Joonie: Please respond. We're sorry. It wasn't our intention not to show up..." The message appeared cut off because I hadn't unlocked the phone yet.

"Hobierto: Believe us, Cassie. Please, we know you're awake. Answer us."

"Jinnie: Cassandra, we would never do anything to hurt you. Please let us explain."

"Mochi: Answer the phone."

After that message, a group call popped up on the screen. I stared at it, battling the urge to answer. I sighed deeply and threw the phone back onto the couch because no matter how much I wanted to talk to them, I was still hurt. I didn't want to answer and end up fighting. Saying things without thinking and ending up in a worse situation. The best thing to do now was to rest.

I made myself comfortable on the bed we had arranged on the floor, and put the pillow over my head to block out the notifications. When I didn't see any changes, I pressed the power button on my phone and confirmed it right away. I lay back down and took a deep breath. Tomorrow is a new day. Everything will be okay. ——————————————————

It wasn't even dawn when I heard knock after knock. Disoriented, I got up, searching for where the noise was coming from until my feet led me to the front door. I looked at the clock hanging on the wall and got irritated to see it was six past two in the morning.

I swung the door open, ready to argue with whoever had woken me up so early after going to bed so late, but I lost my voice when I saw the seven people I loved most staring at me ty forlornly.

I felt two arms embrace me tightly, followed by two more until I lost count. Desperate whispers for forgiveness echoed in my ear, making me feel loved... until a certain moment. Memories of what had happened the night before made me wake up from the sleep I didn't know I was in. Slowly, I distanced myself from the seven, able to see the tears streaming down some of their faces and sadness emanating from the others.

"Cassie..." Jimin starts. "I'm so sorry. It wasn't our intention to leave you alone in such a difficult time. Please, believe us."

"We didn't come here to lie to you, Cassandra..." Namjoon says. "It really wasn't our intention. I know this is going to sound completely wrong, but we made a promise to Ji-Hye. We promised to take her out to celebrate her birthday since she's far from her family and would probably celebrate alone," I try to hide a grimace.

They couldn't miss her birthday, but could miss mine.

"As soon as we finished eating, we were going to come straight here. And we really were, Cas, really. But the company called saying we had to go there to finalize the last details for the album. It was then that we sent several messages in the group, but you didn't see any."

"That's why we're here," Taehyung says, interrupting Namjoon. "Cassie, listen to me. You're one of the most important people in my life. Sorry if lately my actions haven't shown that, but please, please, Cas, don't be mad at us. I couldn't bear to know that you're upset because of me," he whispers.

"Go to the dorms tonight. Let's talk about this calmly," Hoseok suggests.

I remain silent for a few minutes.

"Come on, please. Hum? Hum?'' Tae shakes my arm. ''You'll go, right? Say yes," he asks.

"Okay," I sigh deeply. "I'll go."

I feel arms wrapping around my body again, and I relax, enjoying the contact. This time, the hug lasted only a few seconds. The boys said goodbye, saying they needed to be at the company in a few hours. 

"Tonight at 7. We'll be waiting for you," Yoongi said and then left. 

I closed the door, trying to contain my excitement and the obvious smile on my face. As I turned to go back to bed, I was startled to see only Adora's head peeking out from behind the couch. She had a radiant smile on her face as she looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Shut up," I say, making her laugh. ——————————————————

I look at the clock on the wall. It's 8:07 in the evening. Damn, I was late. I could already hear Adora's voice slowly emerging in my mind, saying that I should have listened to her and picked out my outfit earlier. Shaking my head, I focus on finishing getting ready. The last thing I needed right now was a lecture from my own mind.

I hear knocks and the doorbell ringing repeatedly.

"Shit," I mutter as I hop over to the door.

I try to put on my sock while walking to the door, but my unfailing plan soon becomes fallible when I trip over my own hand and fall on the floor. The knocks and the doorbell grow louder, and I feel irritation creeping in. "ALRIGHT, I'M COMING," I yell and pick myself up.

I walk back to the door with a pout and my hair completely tousled, covering my face. I take a deep breath, fix my hair, put on a fake smile, and finally open the door. As I see the seven people I love most in the world looking at me with confused faces, I feel my smile turn genuine, and the earlier irritation vanish as if it had never existed.

"Is everything okay? Why didn't you come?" I hear Taehyung ask as he scrutinizes me from head to toe."

"What happened? Something serious?" Seokjin asks, and I shake my head.

"No, guys, sorry. I almost died trying to choose a good outfit to wear and ended up running late, sorry," I explained laughing.

''What do you mean you almost died?" Jungkook asks as I watch their faces turn into a grimace."

"It was nothing, really," I reassure, taking a quick glance at Jungkook, who was holding back his laugh.

He knew it. I am sure he did.

"Are you sure you didn't... you know... fall on your ass?" he smirks. "I'm sure I heard a huge..."'' 

"Hobi," I said excitedly, "What do you have there?" I pointed to the bags he was carrying while Jungkook laughed.

That little prick.

''Food," he says, shaking the bags. ''We know how much you love eating''.

I chuckle and make way for them to enter. In a few minutes, the food was already on the coffee table, and an improvised bed was set up on the living room floor. I change into more comfortable clothes and join them.

"Look, before we start, we want you to know how sorry we are," Yoongi says.

"Yes... Sorry for not being there on the visitation's day," Jimin adds. "If there's anything you want to say, anything that's bothering you, please let us know. We'll fix it all, Cassie. ''he holds my hand.'' We want things to go back to how they used to be."

"We're here for you, Cas," Jin finishes, and I smile weakly.

I pause for a moment, feeling that it still wasn't the right time. So, I just sigh and shake my head.

"It's okay, guys. Really," I open with a smile. "Let's just watch this movie already. I'm dying to see who'll be the first one to cry and shake in fear like a little kitten." I say, trying to change the subject, and smirk when I realize it worked.

"I am sure it won't be me," Hoseok says with confidence. "Cause you know..." he shows off his muscles. "I'm a man," he pauses for a minute.

It doesn't take long until Hoseok's laughter fills the room, making everyone laugh.

"Who listens to him talking like this, doesn't even think the Gladiator sandal outside belongs to him," Jungkook says, making Hoseok look at him flabbergasted.

''Hey, what do you mean by that?'' he asks shookedt. ''It's fashionable''

"Yeah, Hobi. Sure is," Yoongi says, patting his shoulder.

''Why I don't believe you are being honest?'' Hoseok asks putting his finger under his chain. ''I'm going to expose you on Twitter. Or should I say X?''

''What? Are you into Xvideos?'' Namjoon asks as he returns. 

Everybody stops and looks at him. When did he even leave to begin with?

"What were you doing, Joonie?" I ask, smirking at him. "Were you in the bathroom?" he nods as the rest of the boys laugh.

''Now we know why you are thinking naughtiness'' Jimin says.

Namjoon's face turns red as he shakes his hands nervously. He tries to sit down on the couch but somehow ends up falling on the ground. We can see his cellphone flying around the living room as he throws his arms in the air in an attempt to regain his balance, but it doesn't work, as expected.

''No need to be nervous, Joonie'' I say. ''Everybody masturbates once in a while.''

''Do we?'' Yoongi looks at me suspiciously.

"I mean," I chuckle nervously. "How did we even get to this conversation? Let's just watch the movie for God's sake."

"Nah, nah. Don't you try coming up with excuses," Tae says abruptly. "What do you mean by that? Are you dating someone?" Jungkook seems to be having fun as he opens a beer can.

''What? Me? Dating?'' I laugh. ''Not even close. But I can't say the same about Jungkook, can I?'' he chokes.

''Uh? What you on about?'' he asks as he cleans his mouth. ‘’Seven days a week, huh?’’ he burst into laughter. He pauses for a minute before smirking. "Hm, why's that, baby girl?" he says, leaning in my direction. "Are you jealous?" he asks, putting a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Do you want me to…" he bites his lower lip. "You know," he says putting his finger on my lips. I can already feel the cringeness and second-hand embarrassment traveling throughout my body as the rest of the boys laugh. This prick. ‘’You really need to get out from twitter,’’ I say, shoving him away. ‘’The next step is to put up a black and white profile picture and call yourself a webdom’’ He raises both of his middle fingers in my direction before turning his attention back to the beer can. ‘’Are you guys done? Can I finally play this damn movie?’’ Yoongi asks, making everybody nod.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Time passed quickly, and before I knew it, it was time for them to leave. Unfortunately, they couldn't stay overnight. They had to leave very early the next day due to their schedule. 

I hesitated to get up; I didn't want to accompany them to the door out of sheer laziness, and feeling Taehyung shaking me with his foot made me even more sluggish.

"If you keep doing that, I swear I'll fall asleep," I say, making him huff.

"Come on, sloth imitation. Take us to the door," Jimin says, but gives up when he sees Jungkook lying next to me.

"Jungkook, I'm sure you really like your video game, right?" Seokjin asks, and in a jump, Jungkook gets up.

"Are you really not taking us to the door?" Yoongi asks, and I remain silent. "Okay then."

When I open my eyes to see what he was going to do, I feel an arm gather and squeeze my legs while a hand starts tickling my feet furiously.

"JESUS!" I scream in surprise.

I heard laughter as I fought for my life. The strange feeling that tickling brought made me confused if I was laughing because I found it funny or if it was fear messing up my nervous system. The laughter increased as I writhed and screamed for help.

"YOONGI, YOU JERK!" I said without realizing that I was actually yelling.

"Weren't you sleepy?" Yoongi asks. "So, I'm trying to help you."

"WAIT UNTIL I GET UP, YOU PIECE OF BROWN SUGAR, I'M GOING TO END YOU."

"Are you going to take us to the door?" he asks.

"OKAY, OKAY, I'LL TAKE YOU, JUST STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD," I yell.

I feel my body calm down and my brain start functioning again as the tickling ceases. I looked at Yoongi who was laughing while sniffing his hand.

"Ew, you have smelly feet," he says, and I get up.

"Come here, you little jerk," I chase after him as he runs away mocking me.

After a few seconds, I could already feel that the 70% of water in my body had evaporated and the air in my lungs was scarce. When did my body become so sedentary?

"Idiot," I curse Yoongi who laughs. "I hate you."

"I love you too, beautiful thing," I hear him say.

Finally, I accompany them to the door. After a lazy farewell, I see them about to leave, but a click in my mind makes me stop them.

"As you know, I graduated from college, but since it was at the time when my father died, I didn't have any enthusiasm to celebrate. Adora recommended that I have a celebration the day after tomorrow night, since it's the weekend. Just to not let it go unnoticed. So... you guys are invited."

"We'll be here, don't worry," Namjoon says, and I smile nodding.

We say goodbye again, and this time, I see them leave. Seeing the elevator door close, I go back inside the house. The smile on my face never leaves me for a second, and finally, after so long, I could feel that things would really be okay.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Thanks to Adora, everything was organized on time. The food was ordered since neither she nor I wanted anyone to die from food poisoning. The time we ended up in the hospital the day we cooked for each other was enough. No need to repeat the dose.

I check the time on my phone and see it's 8pm. They would arrive at any moment, so I sit next to Adora on the couch to chat until then.

☂ ☂

Some time passed, and the boys still hadn't arrived. I look at the time again and see that it's 9:46. I try not to think the worst and choose to believe they would be here soon.

☂ ☂

I sigh deeply at seeing what time it is: 11:14. I try to ignore Adora's pitying look and get up from the couch. I suppress the tears once again. I am tired of crying. And more than ever, I realize that they don't deserve my tears.

"Cassandra..." Adora calls me, and I look at her. "I'm sure there's an explanation for this. Something must have happened at the company, and they couldn't let us know." I shake my head.

Something inside me told me that wasn't it, and I decided to trust my intuition.

"Adora, can you take me to the dorm?," I ask softly. "I don't think I'll have the courage to go alone," I weakly smile, and she nods.

"Of course, my love. Of course..." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

The car journey lasted less than I wished. My mind was constantly clouded by memories, anxiety making the painful memories hurt twice as much. I laughed in disbelief. I wondered what I had done wrong to deserve this.

"Thank you for bringing me," I look at Adora. "And thank you for always being by my side in difficult times. If I felt supported and loved, be sure that it's all because of you. You're an amazing person, Adora, and I hope you know that." she smiles.

"Regardless of what happens there, remember that you are enough. Not for them, but for yourself. Don't belittle yourself for them, Cassie, and don't let the love you feel for them speak louder than your self-love. If you survived two hellish months without their presence, be sure that you can live your life and be immensely happy in the future without them. I guarantee you that," I feel her hand squeezing mine for comfort, and I smile. "I'll be waiting for you here," I nod.

I get out of the car, feeling Adora's words take effect. I walk bravely towards the towering building, ignoring every feeling of nostalgia trying to invade me. I couldn't lose focus now.

Arriving on their dorm's floor, I feel my heart skip a beat. I pause for a moment and try to put my thoughts and feelings in order. Seeing no result, I lean against the wall and try in every way to avoid a panic attack that was about to come. As if it were a heavenly help, I feel my phone vibrate. With trembling hands, I pick it up and see a message from Adora.

"Don't forget, you are strong and capable. And never for a moment think you are alone, because I'm here for you."

I clutch my phone tightly. Adora is right. I am strong and I am capable. I can do this because regardless of what happens, I will be okay.

I take a deep breath, gathering all the strength and courage from my being, and knock on the door. I freeze when I realize what I've done, but I quickly compose myself. I will be okay.

A few seconds passed and no one answered, so I knocked again. But just like the first time, there was no response. After the third attempt, I decide to enter. Typing the password on the door, I entered the dormitory.

Upon realizing that there was no one in the main hall, the pounding of my heart calmed down. I begin to walk through the dormitory, recalling every good moment I had with my boys. I feel the sadness emanating in my chest once again.

I really didn't want to lose them.

As I walked down the corridor, I heard voices coming from the kitchen. I started walking with firm steps, but I felt my legs waver when I heard a female voice among their voices. It was her.

"Jungkook-oppa, you're so silly," I hear her delicate laughter, feeling jealousy burning in my chest.

It should be me there.

"The silly you love," I hear Jungkook reply.

I could hear the happiness in his voice. It was as if they didn't need anyone else at the moment but her. And that made me hate her, but my own mind scolded me. She is not worthy of my hatred. She is as innocent as I am in this story. She did nothing to hurt me, so why would I hate her?

"Hinnie," I hear Hoseok's voice.

Hinnie...

"Try it and tell me what you think."

There was a moment of pause until applause and sounds of appreciation were made.

"It's amazing, oppa," she says. "You really keep improving in the kitchen every day."

Unable to bear it anymore, I think of simply turning around and leaving, but something catches my attention. And it was precisely there, in that moment, that I regretted staying.

"Why do I feel like we're forgetting something?" I hear Taehyung say, and I feel my body tremble.

Once again, there was a pause until someone shouted.

"Shit, really," Jimin said. "We forgot to take the drinks out of the freezer."

I feel my heart break, as if that were possible. I let out a disbelieving laugh and finally come out from where I was hiding.

"And try more of this," Hoseok suddenly stops. "Cassie..."

I hear the sound of something falling to the ground. Soon, everyone was staring at me wide-eyed. I repress the urge to laugh. I realize how messy my whole body was the moment I wanted to laugh and not cry.

"Oh no," Jimin says, as if remembering something. "The party."

With that said, everyone becomes even more desperate. Seeing them approaching, I panic.

"Don't come near,"

They quickly stop. I see them not knowing what to do. And it wasn't just them. I end up getting disoriented with so much pressure. Where did my courage go when I needed it most?

"Um... what's going on?" she asks, and I close my eyes.

It's not her fault. It's not her fault...

"Ji-Hye, could you leave us alone for a moment?" Namjoon asks.

"Yes, of course. It's time for me to leave anyway," she gets up. "I'll see you later," she says bowing both to them and to me.

After she left, silence hung in the air. I tried to hold back my laughter, but when I saw everyone's confused faces, I knew I had failed. When I noticed that no one was going to say anything, I took the initiative.

"Do you know what's more disappointing? It's that I really thought this time would be different," I shrug. "I guess I was wrong, wasn't I?"

"Cas..."

"Do you remember when you asked me if I had something to say, Jinnie? If something was hurting me? Well, I do, and I hope I won't be interrupted."

With no response, I continue.

"I feel like I died. It's been a while since I am just surviving," I start. "The fact that you didn't come to the visitation isn't the part that hurts the most, it's that you weren't there when my father passed away. I remember how desperate I was, and the only people I could think of were you. But you weren't there. Damn, you didn't even call." I whisper as tears fall freely down my face. "When I found myself alone in the hospital, realizing that the person who adopted me and chose me to love had died, that was my first death. The person who loved me, who looked beyond language or race barriers, and who taught me everything I know had suddenly left, without even giving me a chance to say goodbye. Do you know how I felt? Devastated."

I pause for a moment. Melancholy takes over my body as I recall all the feelings I felt that day, and for a moment, I allow myself to cry all I needed. I sob so much that I thought I might choke. Without caring about looks or pity, I just allowed myself, knowing that everything would be okay.

"When I called the only people I thought I could count on, and they told me they were coming, I didn't feel so alone," I let out a humorless laugh. "Until I realized that those people never arrived. The people who always said they would be there for me weren't there when I needed them the most. That was my second death," I look at Jin. "Don't say these things to anybody if they are not coming from your heart. Don't hurt anyone else by saying you have their backs or that you will always be there for them when in reality it's not the truth."

I look at each one. Their gazes were distant, as if they were reliving every moment. 

"You know, I don't want you to think I'm mad at Park Ji-Hye. Actually, quite the opposite. I was really happy when you said you met someone nice. Someone who really cared about you and genuinely wanted your friendships. I know how tough it is for you to find real friendships with all the fame, so I felt fulfilled too. I remember telling daddy excitedly, and he laughed at my excitement, happy for you and for me. Right after that, I lost him, and little by little, I lost you too, like I was meant to be alone," I smile weakly. "I am sorry if I'm being selfish, but that's how I feel. You guys forgot my birthday. Forgot the visitation days, and to top it off, you forgot my graduation party. It's like you replaced me as if I never even existed in your lives, and that really hurts. Really.''

I finish, and only then I realize they were crying with me. Some didn't have the courage to meet my gaze. We spent a few minutes without anyone saying anything. The only thing filling the air was the sound of our sniffles and sobs.

"On the day your father died," Namjoon begins. "We felt like we had lost a family member because he was, in fact, one. I am truly sorry, Cas, but for me, Park Ji-Hye's fall was an escape. I didn't want to face reality. I wouldn't know how to react to the loss of someone so special, and I also wouldn't know how to act with you," he looks at me.

"On your birthday, we thought you would like to be alone. It would be the first without your father, so we didn't know what to do, Cassie. We panicked," Jimin sighs. "But now I realize how you felt," he laughs humorlessly. "My God, I never thought I'd be such a horrible friend. What a disappointment," he whispers, covering his face with his hand.

"On visitation days," I look at Hoseok. "I confess that I clung to any opportunity not to go, Cas," he cries. "Not because I didn't love you. I love you, and I love you very much, but I never knew how to react to death. The only two times I entered a cemetery, I spent the rest of the week feeling bad, with depressive thoughts. I also couldn't let Armys worry. I didn't want their 'Sun' to lose its brightness. I am so sorry for not being able to tell you this before. I didn't want to seem selfish."

I suppress a disbelieving laugh.

"Hearing all this, I realize how futile our apologies seem," Yoongi laughs weakly. "But they are true, Cassie... I understand what Hoseok says. You know about my history with depression, don't you?" he asks, and I nod. "It's the same thing for me. If I enter a cemetery, my thoughts don't stop. Some come in a worse form, and I feel like I'm going crazy."

"We were selfish, Cas," Seokjin says. "I was. I didn't want Armys to see us sad because I knew the chaos it would be. I have no words to express how special you are to me," he pauses. "Cassie, you are my sister, my family. You weren't crying alone; I cried with you. I just couldn't show it. I knew it would be worse if I saw you cry, just like I am seeing now."

There was a moment of silence. Until his voice broke.

"I am sorry," Taehyung says. "Damn, I don't even know what to say, Cassie. You are one of the most precious people I have ever met. I remember how you stayed with us through thick and thin. I also remember how happy you were for us at the beginning, and I know the genuine happiness you felt when we received our first award. You stood by my side when my grandma passed away. How could I not be by your side too? My God," he puts his hand on his head in an act of despair. "You stayed by our side when we thought about disbanding. It was you who helped us see why we are here, who helped us find reasons to stay," he looks at me anxiously. "How could I be so selfish?"

"We thought that regardless of anything, you would always be by our side. That you would understand us, even with our deplorable attitudes. We always thought we would have you next to us, so we neglected you," Yoongi shakes his head. I feel like he answered more to Taehyung than to me. "Damn, anjinho, I'm sorry," I lower my head as I hear him call me by the nickname I loved so much.

"The fact that we started a new friendship also influenced us," Jungkook says. "We were so excited that someone, besides you, wanted a friendship without interest that without realizing it, we put aside the one that had been with us from the beginning," I hear Jungkook say muffled, as his two hands covered his face.

"We don't deserve you, Cassandra. We left you at the most difficult moment of your life, and yet you never stopped loving us," Yoongi pulls his own hair, a habit he always did when he was nervous. "We can't let you leave thinking that we don't care about you because, Cassie, that would be a complete lie. With the stress of the comeback, things only got worse. It was rehearsal, recording, agendas to fulfill, productions, trips, tours. Our minds were a mess, and Park Ji-Hye tried to help us from there. We know she's not the one to blame, and it's not your fault either. It's ours and only ours. I know this will seem like a lame excuse, but I didn't want to let you go thinking that you aren't precious to us. You are Cas. And you always will be."

I close my eyes and try to control my breathing. If before I felt bad, now I feel ten times worse. It seemed like I didn't even know them anymore. The feeling of comfort they made me feel was replaced by anguish. By sadness.

I open my eyes, and for the last time, I look at my boys. I realize that Taehyung understood my gaze.

"Cassie, please... Please don't..." Taehyung starts, but is interrupted by Seokjin.

"Don't you dare say what I think you're going to say."

"But I can't lose her, Hyung. I can't lose her," Taehyung says, crouching down.

I think about going to him, but then I retreat my body. If I do that, I know my heart will weaken, and at the moment, the only person I need to think about is myself.

"I'm sorry, hyung, but I'll be selfish," Namjoon says to Seokjin, and I look at him confused. "I don't know what your decision will be, Cassie. I'll support you, even if you choose to leave without our friendship. But I beg you... Cassandra, I implore you, try to find in yourself a little piece that doesn't want to give up on us. It doesn't have to be now. I want you to heal, and I don't care how long it takes. The only thing I ask is that you don't forget us and don't give up on us. Come back to us when you feel ready. I don't want to lose you, Cas. I..."

"I really hope you find a way to forgive us, Cassie. But understand that if you don't, we'll understand. You, more than anyone else, have every right to hate us," Yoongi says, interrupting Namjoon. "I hope you don't forget about us because, with all my heart, we won't forget about you."

I feel my heart shattering with every tear that falls on their faces. I smile weakly. I will really miss them.

I bow in a sign of respect, and as I return to my normal position, I raise my hand to my heart.

"Thank you, my boys. For all the good moments. You were a very important part of my life, which I will carry forever. I will never forget about all of you," I smile faintly. "How could I forget my first true friendships? My first loves?" I whisper.

I take a breath and smile. A true smile. A smile of gratitude.

"Regardless of what happened, you guys deserve nothing but love and happiness. Don't let anyone say otherwise. Even far away, please remember I will always be cheering for your success. And whenever you feel unloved, remember I love you. Very, very much.'' I can hear their sobs getting stronger. ''Don't think I blame you for what happened; I think I finally understand that life has its ups and downs. People come and unfortunately go," I see Taehyung desperate, trying to find something to say. I look away. I need to be strong. "I hope that every day your friendship with Park Ji-Hye grows, and that you take from all of this a lesson.''

I take a deep breath, looking at them for the last time.

''From the bottom of my heart... I wish you to be immensely happy."

In a gesture, I send thousands of kisses. I see Tae wanting to approach, so I turn around and start walking towards the exit, and this time, I don't cry. I feel the weight of sadness in my chest, but the weight of peace for having put everything I felt out was greater. And for the first time in two months, I believe it when I say that everything will be okay.

[xxlemon-chanxx]

Ok, what about if philip/belos has a partner toxic as him but they still love each other?

Now—there are a LOT of relationship dynamics that fall under the general “toxic” umbrella. I'm going to go ahead and explain the one my mind went to first when I initially read this ask, so it might not be the same version of “toxic” that you're thinking of. I'm sorry in advance!

Also, this is going to be more or less the same between Philip and Belos, so I'm not going to do two separate sections, and I'm just going to explain the one that I'd find more interesting narratively.

So—here’s the “toxic” relationship that I first imagined:

⚠️⚠️TW for suicide baiting and general emotionally abusive behaviors!⚠️⚠️

overly dependant, insecure SO who constantly needs reassurance and hangs off of Belos’s every action because they worry he’ll grow bored of them and leave them, and is overall very possessive of him to the point of being incapable of wanting to leave Belos’s side for even a moment + overly-controlling and manipulative Belos who revels in the idea that his love is too desperate to ever want to leave him despite his flaws.

S/O can barely stand it. Their husband constantly talks to countless people every day—its part of his job description as the annihilator of an entire populous! And there are so many talented, intelligent, and attractive witches that make up the castle staff. They can't help but feel that rush of anxiety in their chest when one of said witches needs to talk to their husband—seriously, why not give the news to them? They'd be more than happy to pass along the message to their husband if it was really THAT important.

Even when Belos tells them countless times that he'd never trade them for a witch, no matter how much venom is in his voice as he practically spits the word, there's that lingering doubt. They're so much prettier. Does he think those witches walking the halls are prettier than them? His gauntlet lingered by that coven head’s hand for a few moments too long for their tastes, surely that means he's having an abhorrent love affair with that witch.

Whenever their anxiety flares up like this, it inevitably ends in a freakout and breakdown. They’ll fall to their knees at Belos’s feet, clutching letters that were strictly business but had just enough reverent language from an underling for S/O to misconstrue as romantic or intimate feelings between them.

They’ll scream, they’ll cry, initially demanding to know why he'd trade them for a witch, after all they've given him. What do they have that they don't? What could they possibly offer him? Is it their body? They're prettier than me, is that it? Are they smarter than me? What is it, damn you? What? What? WHAT?

Then, after Belos manages to calm them down, that rage turns to sorrow as they realize that they snooped through their husband's possessions, his private, confidential letters to find evidence that didn't even exist. They’ll apologize incoherently, clutching at his robes, spewing promise after promise that this was going to be the last time, that they were never going to snoop again and please don't leave them because they can't imagine a world where he doesn't want them, and please, if he doesn't want them, they might just die. No, scratch that. They WILL die. They. Will. DIE. If he tosses them out like trash.

And as they fumble out their apologies and half-baked, empty, rehearsed promises, Belos simply wraps them in his arms, tucking their head under his chin as a soft, tired smile graces his lips. He knows this will not be the last time, but he can't bring himself to be too annoyed by it. After all, he does partially enjoy a few of the behaviors his beloved exhibits.

He loves the way they're practically attached to his hip. He loves the way he never has to worry whether or not they're truly loyal to him or if they genuinely love him. That desperation is so thick he could cut it with a knife and spread it on toast. He doesn't need to constantly have his hand in them like a sock puppet because they follow him around like a lovesick puppy, staying quiet and out of the way while he does the important work and then swooping in during down moments to squeeze in some affection and much-needed fishing for reassurance.

He still lies to them, obviously. His dishonesty is probably the biggest trigger for S/O’s insecurity. Nevertheless, S/O would never leave Belos because—well…who else would willingly put up with that level of inconvenience? And Belos would never want them to leave because that's the most loyal and devoted to him someone could possibly be, and they're a human who accepts him despite his issues. Why in the Hells would he ever give that up?

[alwayshappyhoursomewhere]

Compilation of translation snippets I did about interviews published on kiss&cry magazine vol.49, all about Shoma and One Piece on Ice (also posted on twt and here as backup)

Keiji and Koshiro on Shoma:

Keiji: Shoma isn't really Luffy's type, but you can tell that he's trying his best to become Luffy, and that he's enjoying it. He is absorbing more and more and trying to overcome the "wall" of doing moves that he has never done before, moves that are unlike him. When I see that, it makes me want to work even harder.

Koshiro: at the beginning I couldn't imagine Shoma doing Luffy's "full of energy!” movements, so I was like "Do your best (laugh)”, but during rehearsals there were many scenes where I thought, "Oh, it's Luffy! (laugh). I am sure that everyone will be satisfied with Luffy. There are music, dialogue, and people other than himself, so timing is important, but he writes down the flow in his notebook and reviews it. He is taking Luffy really seriously.”

Do you feel any change in Uno since the rehearsals for "One Piece on Ice" started?

Keiji: "Yes, I feel it, he seems to be enjoying it. I think things are going to get harder from now on, but one of the things I'm looking forward to is seeing how Shoma changes as a result of that. I want to be by his side to support him, because he is under the heaviest pressure as the leader.

Shoma’s interview:

How did you feel when you were offered the role?

I have performed to music before, but I’ve never played a story or a character, so at first I thought, "Am I really the right person for this? I was puzzled, but I was happy that they chose me out of so many people. Now that I've been given the job, I will continue to search for what I can do to make it as great as possible, and I will give it my all.

How long did it take you from the time you were offered to the time you decided to appear in the show?

I didn't need think about it for very long. I'm relatively good at figure skating as a sport, as an athlete, and I think I'm doing a good job at it, but I think I'm far from the ideal figure skater that everyone has in their mind. Of course, figure skating is fascinating as a sport in itself, but I think one of its charms is that you focus on one skater and watch their performance and growth, which in a sense is like treating them like idols. I am not good at that part, so I don't know what kind of figure skater I will be when I leave competition someday. I hope that the experience I will gain from One Piece on Ice will give me a clue about that.

Did you get that idea from winning the World Championships for the second time?

There are many reasons, but I think that is one of them. I used to compete with my eyes fixed on the ‘top’, but now that I've achieved results, I asked myself, "What do I want to do next?”, and I thought that I wanted to embody more strongly the charm of figure skating. I have been able to do things my own way in both competitions and ice shows, and that will never change, but I've also started to think that I want to show the audience what they want to see. One Piece on Ice is a show in which I play a character that I’ve never played before, and that’s a new challenge for me. I would like to develop my ability of expression, where I feel I am lacking the most.

Do you feel more "excited" or "pressured" in anticipation of this new challenge?

I would say it's 6:4 in favor of anxiety (bitter smile). Of course I am very much looking forward to it, but I am not sure how much of my accumulated experience I will be able to put to use. I think that because fans love "ONE PIECE" so much, they will look at it more harshly than non-fans when it is adapted into something other than a manga or anime. I am a fan myself, so I understand how they feel. I know I can't satisfy all of them, but I still hope that I can show them something as good as possible.

In "ONE PIECE ON ICE", the " Alabasta Arc" will be depicted. Do you have a favorite scene?

I have read the Alabasta Arc many times. I think my favorite scene is the story of Crocodile and Bibi, and my favorite part of the story is when Bibi faces various conflicts and stands up to protect what he wants to protect with a strong heart. It makes me think about a lot of things."

Your rinkmate from Champéry, Switzerland, Koshiro Shimada, plays the role of Sanji. Have you talked to him about being cast in the show?

I was really happy he was cast. I think Koshiro likes "One Piece" the most out of all the skaters, and back when the rest of the cast had not yet been decided, I had hoped that he would be cast, so I was happy when he was chosen to play the role. He has very long legs just like Sanji. Koshiro also said, "For the first time, I appreciated the length of my legs" (Laughs). I believe that Koshiro-kun is good at playing characters, so I am not worried about anything.

What do you think you and Luffy have in common?

I am not the kind of person who can make people smile like Luffy, so our personalities are far apart. The only thing we have in common is that we both like meat (laughs).

I thought that Luffy's proactive attitude toward difficulties seems to overlap with yours.

I think that a life without difficulties would be boring. In order to get something that you think is unattainable you have to practice a lot, and then you finally get it, and that's when you feel happy and satisfied, I think. So, I am forcing myself to say this, but I would be happy if I could compare myself with Luffy in that way.

You mentioned that in your figure skating programs, you express the melody or sound itself, not the story behind the music. This time, you will be playing a character in a story with a plot, how do you approach it?

I've never really done this before... Fortunately, it's a work that I know well and love, but I'm not sure how I'll be able to express myself in it... I don't know. I think my job will be to take the intentions of the director, Ms. Kahori Kanaya, and the choreographer, Mr. Kenji Miyamoto, and see how faithfully I can reproduce them. I can't see the whole picture yet, but I will just give it my all and do my best.

Knowing there will be many people who don't usually watch figure skating, what do you want to convey to them?

"I think it is important to reproduce the ideal of Mr. Kahori and Mr. Kenji, in terms of the distinctive appeal of figure skating. I hope to be able to show no less than what they envisioned, but it's really unknown.... First of all, I would like to concentrate on the daily training in front of me.

Thank you very much. Finally, do you have a message for the fans who are going to see "One Piece on Ice"?

I don't know how I will be feeling right before the show, but I may be more nervous than at the Olympics or the World Championships (laugh). Because this is something I don't usually do, I am sure I will feel things like anxiety and impatience, but I hope that I will be able to feel a sense of accomplishment as I take on this challenge with all my might. And on top of that, I would like to polish my expressiveness. think this will be a new challenge for all the performers. I hope we can all work together to create a good show, so please come and see it."

from Kenji Miyamoto’s interview:

How do you work on the choreography?

I listen to the scene Kanaya-san [t/n: the director] wants to create, think about how to incorporate it into the skating on the spot, and improvise the choreography. If there is a difference from Kanaya's image, she will politely explain to me that she wants me to reduce the speed more, or that her image of the emotion is different, so she is very helpful.

Shoma Uno plays the main character, Luffy. What do you see as the similarities between the two of them?

"Maybe that he walks in a straight line towards the goal. He doesn't give up, doesn't compromise, keeps his eyes on one point and pushes forward. This is my impression of Shoma's usual practice, and I think the same can be said for Luffy.

How is Shoma Uno doing?

He is trying his best. From the choreography on the ground (off-ice?), he is moving his body as hard as he can, almost to the point of falling down, as if he were trying to reach his limit. I also feel that his facial expressions are becoming more expressive, so I am looking forward to seeing his growth in the future.

I watched the rehearsal of the "rebel dance scene". What did you pay attention to?

“It's a choreography full of speed that conveys the sense of dynamism that is unique to skating. Also, the rebels led by Koza share the same anger, so I was particular about expressing that they seem to be moving separately, but on the other hand, they are somehow in sync with each other. We also expressed the battle scene and the emotions of the characters in the center of gravity shift and edge work of the skating.

[eteisvalssi]

i promised to post some thoughts from both of the concert days at kulttuuritalo so i'm gonna be putting them under a read more :)

saturday 2.3.

i arrived at the venue some time before 9 am

i feel like i always say this but the people that i hang out with at concerts and while queueing are always super nice. i got to know new people, meet mutuals and hang out with so many people i'd gotten to know at previous gigs i'd been to

just remembered that i think i forgot to thank @king-krisu for letting me tag along to their apartment to warm up my pizza that tasted like cardboard so i'm doing it now, kiitos!

buying hand and foot warmers for the queueing was the best purchase ever

when we were let inside, the staff was apparently not informed on where the cloakroom was actually open and if people who were over 18 but didn't have the ticket could go to the +18 side and everything was just a mess and ppl were running around and didn't know where to go

i did get front row on kris' side and it was actually my first time there, i'd always been on jan and nace's side before that

i've listened to pilvet pilvet for a while now and i was so happy to actually see them live, couldn't ask for a better opener

jc stewart was also very good! i'd never heard of him or his songs before but i tried to learn some of them before the gig lol

i feel like we've all seen so much from the soundcheck and gigs from videos and photos that i don't really have that much to add

when kiki came to put the setlist right in front of us we were like no it can't be this short they're definitely gonna play more songs. and they didn't 🥲

it was so nice to see them all actually move around a lot more now that they could

kris kicked straight towards me multiple times during the show and i kept thinking what have i done to deserve this

i completely fell in love with šta bih ja and bluza was so good too!!!

jan and bojan playing the piano <3

as the first gig on tour i kinda felt like they were still warming up after not performing for a while but still it was so good and i loved this concert so much

after the concert i went out with some friends i first met at the gig in tampere on the nordic tour :)

sunday 3.3.

i was supposed to go hang out in the queue for the day but i slept so bad and i was honestly in a bad mood because of that so i just stayed in bed for the whole day until it was time to leave to the venue with my friend and we were there just before the doors opened

i already posted my friend's thoughts from the show as a non-fan and you can find it here

i have a lot of thoughts that i wrote down on monday about going to a concert as a fan with a non-fan vs. alone but i'm not gonna be yapping about it in this post

i was kinda far back and i'm short so i didn't really see that well and i made the mistake of wearing a hoodie instead of what i was planning to wear so it was also extremely hot

this setlist was more to my taste with barve oceana and padam

the new song took me straight on a cruise ship to sweden

when they announced ruisrock the response of the audience was so loud!

i had a fan with me and i was fanning myself during vse kar vem and i just saw bojan looking at me kinda worried but when he saw me singing along he smiled and i almost started crying

i feel like they were more relaxed during this concert and that's understandable with the first concert being more of a rehearsal as the first concert of the whole tour

when we got out literally everyone was freaking out about everything that happened and saying how much better it was than yesterday

i was so tired and felt kinda sick that we just went to get some food after sitting down for a while and then i went back to my hotel room and that was it

overall i had a such a fun weekend! thanks to everyone who i spent time with <3 would've loved to talk to even more of you guys! next up is london and of course ruisrock in the summer :)

[akiyamanemu]

💔.Samuel, Goo, Gun when he found out that his daughter was rejected and humiliated.

Samuel:

Samuel was mad with rage, he had just welcomed his daughter home, his little girl came in crying, he almost couldn't understand what she was saying between crying and sobbing. He held his daughter against him squeezing her.

-Who did what, tell your dad. Seo said through his teeth, he was seething with hatred because apparently his daughter had been humiliated at school in front of everyone, his little girl that he always kept with the biggest treats and best things, he couldn't accept something like that. But he couldn't just hit immature teenagers, as much as he wanted to, he was already an adult and had to act like one, but there would be no harm in giving a scare in which he got his daughter. The next day Seo went to school at the end of the day, the close-fitting suit marked his muscles, the tattoos caught everyone's attention, but soon he spotted his prey, it was enough for Samuel to pass him and whisper that the boy simply froze.

-I think you'd better stay away from my daughter from now on, if you think you're someone who can humiliate her and get away with it, you're wrong, now get out of here before I disappear with you... The insane expression on my face. Seo's face was just like old times, that scared anyone.

Goo:

What a bad experience it is to mess with JoonGoo and make him serious, even worse when they mess with his daughter. Some time ago Goo had noticed that his daughter was eating poorly, didn't want to play with him anymore and was missing classes a lot, so like a worried father he decided to play detective a few minutes after his daughter left for school. school he followed her, attentive to every thing on the way, the girl muttered under her breath as she walked looking at the ground, and soon her father could understand what was going on. When approaching the surroundings of the school a couple approached the girl, the boy said to Goo's daughter that she was pathetic for having declared herself to him, that he thought she was a disgusting girl. Dad owl's nerves were already running high, he was very, very serious, but he held back a little longer until he saw what that boy was capable of, Goo's daughter cringed when the cowardly boy raised his hand to hit in it, almost in a split second Joongoo was there to receive the slap in his daughter's place.

-Hey are you crazy bro? The boy exclaimed angrily, Goo was smiling from corner to corner.

-I ask you, who do you think you are to raise your hand to my daughter? JoonGoo looked the boy in the eye, his hands were in his pockets just waiting for the boy to give the first sign that he was going to attack, and as soon as the boy raised his hand again Goo hit him with a punch, a single punch and the boy was on the ground .

-If you weren't interested in my daughter, just say no to her. Goo said in a good-natured way putting his arm around his daughter's shoulder. -By the way, next time I'll tear you to pieces.

Gun:

JongGun's daughter had spent the whole week rehearsing to ask her father for help, but she was afraid of what he might do when he learned that she had been humiliated by classmates after confessing to a boy, and has since been harassed by other students. JongGun already suspected something, he had noticed that the number of notifications from his daughter's cell phone was increasing but that she didn't smile when reading the messages as usual. He just waited for her to leave her cell phone lying around and picked it up, when he read it he can't believe it, people were making fun of his daughter, there were pictures of her with grotesque edits, name-calling, it was kind of shocking. He didn't quite know how to deal with that other than strategy, threats and violence, and even though he knew his daughter wouldn't like that, these were the weapons he intended to use.

After looking at the account of one of the boys who was making his daughter hell he found out where they used to gather, it wasn't long before the man was there dressed head to toe in a stark white suit, his sunglasses reflecting the moonlight. JongGun's hand landed on the shoulder of the boy who was holding his daughter, Gun knew it was him.

-So you are the boy who is sending those messages to my daughter... Gun took off his glasses putting them in his pocket. The boy felt a chill down his spine, only JongGun's voice was enough to put him in despair, and Gun didn't need much to finish off all those kids, at the end of it all he took the opportunity to leave a message on social media, using the boy's phone he took a picture of the boy and posted it with the caption

"I got my ass hit after messing with the wrong person, I'm dumb".

[Sorry for not doing Jay too but he's hard for me, but I hope you like it]

[zombie-rott]

Of Mortal Flesh and Bone; Part 2

Relationship: None. Sorry.

Trigger warning: You might cry?

Synopsis:

Phantom doesn’t know how to find his place in the band because how can he replace Aether.

Notes:

Inspired by Sleep Token, 'Spillways', overwhelming emotions (on my part) & a conversation with a fellow Ghoulie on Discord.

Part 1

~ ~ ~ ~

They'd long since crossed the border into Southern France and were making their way to the next venue when Papa decided to take a break at a local camping stop. There was time between shows, that evening being dedicated largely to travel, therefore taking a few hours to recharge within the peace of nature was a great way for everyone to decompress. It was their first full day and night that they’d had off in a while, and the other ghouls were excited to spend the time relaxing and enjoying their respective hobbies. 

But Phantom felt lost. He hadn’t been on the surface long enough to find a hobby he enjoyed, and every other moment of his waking time had been spent rehearsing. Some of the ghouls were reading, while others spent time playing video games on the television or frolicking in nature. But he remained in his bunk, with the curtain pulled across and his mortal body curled inward. He’d spent a lot of time between shows resting but never quite sleeping. At least not as much as his mortal body needed. And the effects were becoming evident. He could feel the muscles and bones aching, and he couldn’t remember what it was like not to have a headache. 

Was this how they all felt? 

“Phantom, sweetie?” 

It took the multi-ghoul a moment to register the sweet sound of Cumulus’ voice from behind the curtain of his bunk. But instead of feeling comforted by her soothing tone, he wanted to disappear completely. 

As much as Phantom tried to keep to himself, there was always one ghoul daring enough to press further. Even more so than Swiss. 

That ghoul was Cumulus. She was one of the few members of the pack to approach Phantom when he took himself off to his bunk. When he refused to join them for dinner before a show or to decompress afterwards, she could often be found hovering by his specific quarters. She was the one Phantom found himself shooing most often. 

Cumulus either didn't get the message or simply preferred to ignore it. 

“Would you like to join us for something to eat?” She queried gently. 

Phantom could feel his stomach tighten and twist at the thought of food. He wasn’t hungry but he knew that he needed to start making some sort of effort. As much as he hated himself, he pulled back the curtain and shifted himself from the bunk. 

Cumulus smiled at him from where she stood, her hands together in silent applause. 

He felt dread. 

“Oh good!” she chirped as she led him from the bus, “We’ve got lots of different treats for you to try. Have you had watermelon yet?” 

He took in their makeshift campsite from the top of the stairs. Some of the ghouls were spread out on the grass enjoying the sunshine while Swiss manned a smoking barbecue. Beside him, Dewdrop chewed on hot coals and across the way Papa could be seen lounging beneath a tree with a book.

Phantom felt ill.

There were so many of them and yet he felt more alone than ever before. Even more so than when he was in the depths of a pit. 

“Apples are nice too. Oh and these beautiful crunchy treats called Doritos! They were quite lovely.” Cumulus continued, oblivious to Phantom’s silence.

He nodded as her eyes met his. This, apparently, was the wrong response. Her smile gave way to concern as she laid her hand on his bicep. 

“Are you alright? You’re very pale?” 

Phantom clenched his fists and bit back a snide remark. She was concerned, nothing more, and it would be cruel to be so harsh. 

He could feel the bile coating his mouth. 

“I-I just-I’m not that hungry,” he answered, forcing a small, feeble smile. 

The smell of cooking meat stung his nostrils and his stomach flipped within him. 

He needed to go back inside where he was safe.

“You haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday, sweetie. Your mortal body needs fuel to function.”

He nodded again, not sure what it was he was responding to. He could barely hear her anymore over the sound of his own instincts. 

Inside. Safe.

Quickly Phantom moved back towards the bus, ignoring Cumulus’ calls. He could feel his stomach heave as he bolted towards the bathroom. 

Safe.

Phantom was shaking as he gripped the edges of the small sink. Bile rushed up his throat and forced itself from his body. What was this? 

“Phantom?” 

He shoved his foot back against the door, stopping Cumulus from following him. The last thing he needed was for her to see him like this. 

“Phantom, sweetheart, are you alright?” She called as she gently knocked on the bathroom door. 

He didn’t respond, instead focusing on the uneasiness in his stomach, and the sweat dripping from his forehead. Another hushed voice joined Cumulus on the other side and shame washed over him. 

When had he become so weak?

~ ~ ~ ~

Somewhere around the fifth week of the tour they were allowed the luxury of a hotel room. Sister Imperator had treated them all to a night in a four-star hotel, complete with breakfast in the morning. But when it came to checking in it became quickly apparent where the tyrant had saved on money. Everyone, even Papa, had to double up. The ghouls began pairing themselves off one by one when Phantom heard his name. 

He was sharing with Mountain which, if he was honest, was no issue. The earth ghoul was almost as quiet as he was and had barely spoken in the last four weeks. Phantom was eased by the silence between them on the way to their room, and even more so by the silence that followed once inside. He enjoyed the absence of immediate sound. 

But unease spread through his gut when he spotted the single, queen bed. 

“Oh.” He breathed. 

“It’s fine. This always happens when Sister books our rooms.” Mountain instinctively set his bag down on the side of the bed closest to the door, “I like to be close to an exit if you’re okay with it. Something left over from the pit.” 

Phantom nodded and followed suit, setting his backpack over by the window. He sat on the mattress and unlaced his boots as Mountain busied himself with a shower. 

He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be back in his bunk, protected by his tiny walls. 

“Hey, you okay Sprout?” 

Phantom jumped at Mountain’s voice. The earth ghoul was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, freshly washed and dressed in civilian clothing. His dark eyebrows were knitted together with concern. 

“Sorry - yeah. I’ve just never been in a hotel room before.” 

“It’s pretty much the same as the quarters back home. Instead, we’re sharing a bed.” Mountain forced a chuckle as he sat down beside the smaller ghoul.

“Yeah.” Phantom’s voice was small, almost a whisper. 

“You know, if you need to talk I can listen? I’m pretty good at it.” Mountain gently laid a hand on Phantom’s shoulder, “Leaving the pit for the first time can be pretty hard, Sprout. And it’s been kinda hard for you, huh?” 

Phantom swallowed back his shame, remaining silent. Mountain continued to wait for a response for a few more moments before sighing and moving from the bed. 

  This was so embarrassing.  

“I’m going to meet a few of the other ghouls for dinner. Why don’t you get some rest?” 

The earth ghoul didn’t even wait for a response, and Phantom was thankful. Finally, he could be left alone for the first time in four long, agonising weeks. 

He concentrated on the simple sounds around him like the dripping of the shower head or the whirring of the air conditioning unit. There was no snoring or outburst of laughter from the pack. Nor the roaring of the bus engines. Phantom could feel his mind grow calmer, his fists unclenched and his jaw relaxed. But his flesh still itched to be unzipped. 

Finally, after what felt like months, the multi-ghoul allowed himself to unglamour. The whole process took moments, and soon he was able to chew tenderly on the tuft of his tail in an act of self-soothing. His vessel tingled from top to toe and, suddenly, he found himself bawling, overcome with emotion. 

Lucifer he had missed the feeling of his own skin, the leathery pads of his palm, and the tassel of his tail. But with it came the overwhelming notion that it would be ripped from him tomorrow again, boxed up until they were back in the abbey. 

His chest heaved with sobs, his body shaking as he gnawed on his tail with reckless abandon. He wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to quell the ache in his soul, but it was no good. 

Mountain can’t see him like this. 

Fearing the return of his fellow ghoul he dragged himself into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. There he finally allowed himself to stretch out and take in his reflection in the mirror. 

Even back in his own skin, he looked horrid. Fresh cuts littered his biceps where he’d gripped a little too hard onto his own flesh. His face was slick with tears and hair, wild. He hated this version of himself. This overstimulated, tortured version that he didn’t even know existed prior to climbing from the pit.

Lucifer below , it hurt.

Even now, undone and back in his own skin, everything hurt like nothing he’d ever felt before. Physical pain he was used to, you didn’t grow up in the pit and not learn to manage it, but emotional? That was outside his remit. 

Phantom knew he needed to drag himself back from the brink before Mountain returned lest he be found in a mess of tears and dried blood. He forced himself to the shower where he found the coolest setting, and prepared himself for the numbing of the frigid waters. The droplets hit his skin like thousands of tiny needles piercing him over and over. 

He tried to clear his mind, he desperately grasped for any ounce of reserve he had left. Then his throat began to burn, his eyes brimming with familiar tears. 

It wasn’t working. He didn’t feel calmer at all. 

Phantom dropped to his knees and tucked himself into the corner of the shower tray, the water thundering down from above. Despite himself, he wailed, louder than he had meant to. Cries ripped through his throat and his claws found their way into his long hair. 

He couldn’t catch his breath between sobs. 

The thundering of the water was so loud, his senses so over-stimulated, that Phantom hadn’t noticed the bathroom door swinging open, nor the panicked voice of Mountain. 

It wasn’t until he felt a strong arm looping around his shoulders and his body being pulled against cedar-smelling skin that Phantom was even aware of anyone else in his presence. And, by then, he was so overcome by his own distress that there was no strength left to fight. All he could do was allow himself to be comforted in the arms of the earth ghoul. 

“It’s okay little sprout.” The earthly ghoul hummed as he gently rocked Phantom, “You’re safe here.” 

Oh Lucifer . Phantom felt the heat of shame blooming in his stomach, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. It was the first real feeling of comfort he’d felt in months and he wasn’t ready to let it go. 

Above them, the water was turned off, leaving only the gentle ‘ hum ’ of Mountain's voice behind. But Phantom wasn’t much concentrating on that, he was more concerned about bringing his own breathing back under control, and stilling the trembling of his bones. 

“Should I get Papa?” A hushed whisper asked. 

Phantom felt heat rise into his cheeks at the realisation of yet another ghoul seeing him this way. He pulled himself tighter inwards and against the earthly ghoul in a bid to hide his face. 

“No, it’s fine. I’ve got this.” Mountain answered, his grip visibly tightening around the smaller being.

“Is there anything more I can do?”

“I don’t think so, Swiss. Only discretion. You know how it is.” 

Swiss hummed in agreement before taking his leave. 

Phantom couldn’t bring himself to uncurl, he didn’t know how to directly face the ghoul who currently held him like a kit in his arms. Lucifer below , how had he allowed it to come to this? 

A whimper escaped his throat as he struggled to stop his cries, now so loud in the still of the bathroom. Mountain gently squeezed his shoulder in response. 

They sat like that for what felt like hours; Mountain, fully clothed and soaking wet, curled around the unglamoured, broken shell of Phantom. The earth ghoul could feel his own heart breaking for his new packmate, memories of his own rescue from the pit plaguing his mind. He knew, in a sense, exactly what the younger ghoul was going through. They all did. Climbing from the pit head-first into the world of the Emeritus clan wasn’t an easy one. Glamouring was exhausting, and while life was pleasant for the most part, nothing felt right . At least for the first while. But until then, it was a shit show at best. 

Phantom wasn’t the first ghoul he’d held crying and bleeding in his arms, and he wouldn’t be the last.

~ ~ ~ ~ 

They didn’t talk about it. No one did. Phantom and Mountain fell back into the same routine and barely broke breath to each other.

From then on Phantom withdrew further. In his mind he was heading towards a finish line and, in order to get there, he had to keep looking ahead. It was the only thought that stopped him from breaking further. They'd just had a few more shows to go, that was it. He could do that and then he’d be back at the abbey, where he could unglamour and figure his shit out.  

Despite his mood and crippling anxiety, Phantom played surprisingly well on stage. Or at least he played the game well. He copied the mannerisms of the other ghouls while shrouded in his mask. The crowd were pleased, Papa even smiled at him on occasion or patted him on the back. He was a different and slightly less broken person on stage. He always had been.

Yet it was their penultimate show where the first signs of his outward unraveling began. Phantom, ever the perfectionist in the pit, never missed so much as a beat while up on stage; Until he did.  And while it was barely noticeable to the crowd, Phantom could feel himself grow flush beneath his mask.

And it wasn't just once. 

With each skipped beat or misplayed chord, Phantom bit harder onto his bottom lip. His eyes stinging with tears. 

Papa will kill him. 

But Papa Copia didn't so much as breathe a sharp word to him after the show. Instead, the clergyman threw his arm around his shoulders as they exited the stage, smiling at him gently as he guided him back to the bus in silence. And just as Phantom prepared himself for a bombardment of warnings and cross words,  Papa spoke softly to him in a tone he often reserved for the ghoulettes when they were struggling. 

"You did so well tonight, mio amico. You know this, si?”" 

Phantom didn't know how to respond. Was Papa seriously not aware of the several mistakes he'd made during the set? 

"Ah-um-thank you?" Was all the ghoul could manage. 

"Won't you take off your helmet for me? I would like to talk for a bit if you have time." 

Cautiously Phantom did what he was told and removed the mask from his head. There was no hiding the tell-tale sign of tears, their spillways evident through the black makeup. Or the dried blood left over from where he'd worried too much at his bottom lip. And, worst of all, Phantom knew how disheveled he looked because he was faced with it after every ritual. Except this time he didn't have the opportunity to wash the evidence away. 

Papa furrowed his eyebrows in worry. He brought his hand to rest open-palmed on the ghoul's cheek. 

" Mio poverio Phantom. You have been so sad, and yet you continue to hide instead of speaking to your Papa." 

"I-I-um. It’s -" Phantom gently turned his head away, the words turning to dust in his throat.

This is a conversation he didn’t want to have. One he thought he had avoided back in the hotel room. One which was, no doubt, prompted by the other ghouls. 

Instead of pressing, Papa rose to his feet and moved to busy himself in the kitchenette of the bus. Phantom did his best to wipe off the remaining makeup with the sleeves of his shirt. If they were going to continue this conversation, he didn't need Papa looking at him in such a sorry state. 

Phantom wanted the pit to swallow him whole.

Before he had much more time to overthink his situation, Papa placed a mug of hot tea gently onto the table in front of him. 

"I don't want you to be angry, mio amico, but Mountain came to me. He's very worried. As is Swiss and Cumulus. Even Dew has expressed his concern for your health. Will you confide in me? I'm a clergyman after all." 

Phantom sighed, allowing his head to lull downwards defeated. Despite the fact Ghouls didn't, traditionally, partake in confessional, Phantom couldn't find the words. There was nothing he felt like saying, yet there was nothing he wanted more than to let someone help him. 

He so desperately wanted his falls to crumble. 

"You're in such deep sadness, my ghoul. It pains me to see you like this, but not nearly as much pain as I suspect you're in, si? Please lay some of your burden on me."

Phantom's throat began to hurt with the familiar burn of tears. He picked at the edges of his claws and gnawed on his bottom lip. All the while contemplating his next words. Papa didn't rush him, instead, he sat forward, elbows resting on his knees as he quietly listened. 

"If anyone should be obligated to help you, it's I. I chose you and -" 

"You summoned me blindly." Phantom snapped, his eyes suddenly glaring holes into the Papa's. His blood was tingling with the spark of anger. 

He was dragged, kicking and screaming from that pit. He was torn from his kin, from his kit and his pack. When an Emeritus called you to serve them for the lord, you were left with no option. It was conscription at its most wicked.

"That's not how it works, mio amigo. We choose all our ghouls specifically for their purpose. You're perfectly matched." The clergyman was taken aback by Phantom's sudden outburst, but he didn't waver. He'd seen this before. He'd sat with his brother, Terzo, as Omega reacted in the same way. 

This wasn't the first surface sickness he'd seen among ghouls, nor was it the worst. Dew alone took almost six months to adapt, spending large portions of his time sulking in the baths of the abbey, his element being strictly water at the time. He was unglamour and take to the lakes for hours, sometimes days, making rehearsal almost impossible. 

"No." Phantom spat, shifting backwards in his seat, "That's not true. That's not what they say in the pit." 

"They lie in the pit. They cheat in the pit and would do anything to keep you down there. But you - Phantom - were chosen just like Aether before you." 

At the mention of his predecessor's name Phantom felt his throat tighten. He was not Aether, not going by word in the pit. He wasn't even half the ghoul he'd been, and he had been pushed back. Thrown back to the hounds like a bone. What's to say he wasn't next?

"But I keep fucking things up," Phantom whined. Despite his efforts, tears rolled down his cheeks. 

"No, Phantom. Never. You have never fucked things up for us." Papa reached across and laid a gentle hand on the ghoul's knee. 

"B-but tonight -"

"Ah! It was nothing! Barely noticeable! We are all flesh and bone, none of which are perfect. Fuck ups happen." 

Phantom wiped his cheeks and looked towards the clergyman. He was met with an expression one could only describe as pure empathy and compassion.

"Y-you aren't angry at me? You-you won't throw me back?" 

"No, Phantom. Never." 

That's all it took for the spillways to overflow. Phantom broke into heavy sobs, his shoulders shaking, his tail tensing and wrapping tightly around his waist for comfort. He felt Papa shift and before long, an arm was wrapped around his shoulder. 

"There, there. Va bene." 

Papa squeezed his shoulder and gently coaxed him through his tears. Phantom didn't even feel embarrassed, he just felt an overwhelming weight being pried off his shoulders. He felt his walls shattering around him.

No one had ever cared like this before. 

No one had ever told him that he was just flesh and bone and that it was okay to be imperfect.  

Eventually, his tears subsided and Papa laid a blanket around his shoulders. It's as if the man knew exactly what he needed to feel comforted. As if he himself had been there before. 

"Thank you, Papa." Phantom whispered softly, "I'm so sorry. I-I don't know what that was." 

"Please don't apologise for something outside your control. Emotions are strange little things, like mico-sized ghoulies running riot in the mind and soul, si? I've long since learned that it's impossible to control them completely. Instead, we need to let them visit and then send them on their way. Capire?" 

Phantom nodded in response, even if he didn't entirely understand it. 

"Do you feel better, mio amico?"

"M-maybe? A little, yeah." Phantom nodded and allowed himself to smile.

"You just needed a listening ear si? To leave that part of yourself behind." 

Papa gently patted the ghoul's back and returned his smile. 

"Never be afraid to ask me to talk. That is what I'm here for. You're all my Ghouls, and who would I be if I let you suffer so?" 

They sat like that, sipping their tea and talking for what seemed like hours until the other Ghouls came home. And for the first time since joining the mortal plane, Phantom felt confident enough to spend time among the pack.

His pack.

[justabtsblog]

Hi i love you've story I just follow in here i have request can you do namjoon having high fever really really high namjoon threw up multiple times namjoon head was really really dizzy namjoon can't stand up and walk properly and namjoon having no appetite to eat bts members take care of him and keep eyes on him

Lots of people have been requesting Namjoon with a fever so I combined your request with another I hope that's okay, I tired to combine all the elemnts from each request. This can be read as Namjin or platonic.

For  Balqisbeauty on Wattpad and bluepeacelove on Tumblr, thank you for requesting. I'm sorry I'm soooooo slow.

under the cut due to length (1376 words)

NAMJOON'S PERSPECTIVE

My head has been foggy all day, I'm even more clumsy than usual and when I snuck away to take my temperature it was 39 degrees (102.2 fahrenheit). I know that's not good but I don't feel that bad so why worry everyone. I can't disappoint ARMY, I have to do the show tonight.

As we rehearse I keep treading on Jin's foot. "Ow! That hurt. That's the third time today Joon, are you alright?"

"What oh, yeah I was just distracted." I change the subject, "Is your foot okay?"

"Yeah, just be careful we don't want anyone getting hurt tonight, including you."

I nod, feeling a bit guilty. I should just go on and tell him but, what if they make me sit out of the show? I can't do that. I notice my vision getting slightly blurry and panic for a moment but the thought of seeing ARMY and impressing them lets me calm down and gives me the will to continue on.

When we get out on stage the fans scream and the sound assaults my ears leaving them ringing but slowly, I get used to it, the ringing gets louder and blocks out the screams. The first few songs go alright but I find myself struggling to keep up with the choreography. Despite being okay during rehearsal, I'm not able to match the frantic energy of a concert.

I just have to hold on until we have an outfit change so I can get some water and maybe some medication. But I don't think I'm going to make it that long.

Black dots obscure my vision, warping the image like snow on an old television or a crack on a computer screen slowly spreading until the entire screen is black and fuzzy. I stand helpless and dizzy as the once small dots consume everything. I'm sure I look like an idiot. I feel hot with embarrassment and then I hear a thump and then . . . nothing.

JIN'S PERSPECTIVE

The energy on the stage is everything we all look forward to. Wild and crazy, a long awaited get together between us and ARMY. Namjoon looks a little dazed at first but greets the audience with enthusiasm. 

—

I almost don't remember I have a mic on and I struggle not to cry out in pain when Namjoon's boot clad foot stamps down hard on my own.

I shoot him a look, he doesn't seem to notice. He doesn't look like he's noticing much of anything. He's at least three steps behind in the choreography. What's going on? He looks around with an almost desperate look on his face, blinking intensely.

He begins to sway on his feet, crap! I break the formation and reach out to him, we both fall to the floor as he faints.

Jimin who was next to me looks over and lets out a confused squeak only amplified by his mic. Screaming erupts through the arena, this time in fear not excitement.

Luckily we've all been trained on what to do in this scenario. "Medic!" I shout and then more quietly to Hoseok, "Tell them he's just fainted."

He nods and uses his notoriously loud voice to reach over the screams and inform the crowd.

The medical staff appear and we all follow them backstage.

"He has an extremely high fever. Were any of you aware of this?"

"He was a bit out of it at rehearsal but other than that no, he didn't say anything." I say, feeling honestly a little mad. Mad at Namjoon for hiding this and not looking after his health, mad at myself for not noticing sooner.

"Okay, he'll need rest and fluids right away."

I nod and we step back letting the medics do their work. The medics have to stop a few times to allow Namjoon to throw up. I wince each time. Namjoon does drink some water but then falls asleep. At least he's getting some rest. He doesn't wake the entire time we're bringing him back to the hotel, letting me and one of the staff support his weight.

—

When he wakes up I instruct everyone not to crowd around him. I have to hold back my own frustration at his stubborn self-endangering behaviour.

He blinks his eyes open. I can't resist hugging him tightly.

"Jin?"

"Yes Joon-ah. You gave us and ARMY quite a scare."

I can see his eyes beginning to sparkle with tears, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

He sits up and wraps his arms around me, returning the hug.

"Is there anything I can get you? Some water, food?"

"No, I'm not feeling very hungry." He gives a small smile.

"Of course not." We stay hugging for a while.

—

I open my eyes to a morning sky out the window of the hotel, we must've fallen asleep together. A warm body shifts under me, Namjoon. 

"Oh sorry."

"It's okay." he says softly, voice almost nonexistent.

"Oh crap Joon, your voice. Is your throat okay?"

He nods then clears his throat heavily, "but my head feels funny."

I put my hand to his forehead worriedly luckily it isn't nearly as warm as before.

"Your temperature is down but you're probably going to be feeling pretty bad."

He just nods again. I can hear footsteps outside, it must be the others. Finally our surroundings register with me. We're in Joonie's room. Memories come back in flashes of the staff helping both of our sleepy forms into the hotel room for the night.

"Can we come in?" Hoseok asks softly.

"Yeah, could one of you also bring some tea for Joon, his voice is gone?"

"Oh, of course, Yoons will go." At his words I hear someone shuffle off, most likely the aforementioned man.

Namjoon starts to stand, probably to get the door, but he falls back on the bed clumsily. He looks embarrassed and I offer my arm. We walk slowly to the door and open it. 

The remaining members stand in the hall, all holding different things. Tissues, blankets, an extra bin. I cringe remembering Namjoon's horrible experience last night. He threw up five times. Hoseok had to leave the room. Namjoon blushes at the attention.

We all sit with our leader, who leans his head on my shoulder seemingly only moments from falling asleep again.

When Yoongi returns with the tea, I help Namjoon sit up.

"Thank you so much, hyungs, maknaes."

"Of course, how do you feel, hyung?" Jimin asks, taking the cup from Joon's slightly shaking hand.

"Woozy, I just want to lay down."

"Yes, you need rest. Do you think you could stand to eat something, Joonie?" I ask

He shakes his head vigorously paling a little at the mention of food.

"Understandable."

We both laugh a little. I hesitate. I don't want to scold him but we need to make sure this never happens again.

Hoseok must have read my mind. "Namjoon. Why didn't you tell us you weren't feeling well?"

"Oh. Uh . . . I-I" He looks down, avoiding our eyes or maybe to hide the tears forming in his own, "I didn't want to disappoint the fans. I'm the leader, afterall."

We all have the same thoughts and it's a mess of hands patting his back and shoulder and head, consoling him.

"Joon," Yoongi looks our leader in the eyes, "You're the youngest hyung, our baby, as much as Kook, Tae or Minnie, it's our job to look after you."

"You're never a bother, your health is more important than any show." Hoseok adds

"Yes, please next time tell us, you gave us and ARMY a big scare, poor Hoseok almost had a heart attack when you started puking."

"Ah, please don't mention that." Hoseok looks embarrassed and vaguely disgusted at the same time, he steps behind Yoongi. "Sorry, Joon. I know it isn't your fault, I just can't."

Namjoon nods, still a little teary.

"The medical staff said that if you'd said something earlier you may have even been able to take medication and be on stage with us at least. They think you should be able to do the next show or at least the one after that, besides, ARMY is happy to have you there, whether or not you perform. Next time don't push yourself so much, okay, hmm?"

"Okay."

We all nod, forming a large mass of bodies in a seven person group hug. We'll definitely be spying more attention from now on.

(A/N: I'm bad at endings, sorry.)

[worriedvision]

Here's part 2 of this Gorou fic! Gender neutral reader, angsty (sorry not sorry), Heizous there as well

--

The vision hunt decree was finally abolished. Thanks to the work of the resistance and the traveler who was brave enough to challenge the Shogun, you could finally get your vision back.

Throughout the months of unease due to being stripped of your vision, Heizou had been there to support you. After some interrogation that went nowhere as to any of the resistances plans, he was oddly adamant on making sure you were safe. Heizou, being smart, figured that if you were to be left alone, you'd fall back into the hands of the resistance, only painting a target on your back.

He was also the one who handed your vision back to you. Looking down at the vision that slowly started to glow when reaching out, a small part of you didn't want to grab it. It felt like you would lose the progress you had made the last few months, the progress in finding the small slithers of what you could.

But a large part of you screamed for getting the vision back. You knew you must have had some seriously significant memories that were taken away by your vision being confiscated.

The vision resonating once you grasp it, out of Heizous hands, your eyes widen.

You remember the day Gorou proposed to you. How it wasn't rehearsed at all, Gorou cutely stumbling on his words before straightening up his tone and posture and giving your hands a firm squeeze, a look of determination in his eyes as he asks you to be his. You excitedly nod, pulling him in for a right hug and a light kiss before he has to run back to work, tail now excitedly swishing from side to side.

The ring in your pocket!

To your relief, you still feel it there. Smiling to yourself, you look at Heizou, and it's like he reads your mind.

"Are you ready to see your fiancé?" Heizou asks, a friendly smile on his face.

You nod eagerly, and Heizou laughs before escorting you to Watatsumi island.

--

Heizou had been sending letters anonymously to the resistance, Her Excellency responding to each and every one regarding you. She thanked him for keeping you safe, understanding that this would be a difficult adjustment for both yourself and Gorou.

Heizou had sent a letter to Kokomi the day before you got your vision back, but he didn't know for sure if the news would make it back.

But a part of Heizou has a hunch that, good or bad, you needed to see Gorou.

Arriving at Watatsumi island, you see your beautiful fiancé. His complexion glowing with the sunset, smiling to himself out of contempt. It was clear he was glad the height of the vision hunt decree was gone, only the scraps and aftermath to deal with.

You get out of the boat to run to Gorou, but Heizou gets a bad feeling. Holding you back, he gets you to watch on for another few seconds, just to guage this hunch of his.

Another figure comes up to sit next to Gorou and intertwines their hand with his. Gorou sighs out blissfully, telling the other person how much he loved them.

"When my first love left, I didn't know what to do with myself." Heizou furrows his brows when Gorou says this. Surely Kokomi must have given him more details about your situation? "And then, you came into my life." Gorou turns to the person, pulling out a small box.

Before you can hear the rest, Heizou pulls you away, hastily stopping the person operating the boat from leaving without the both of you and swiftly getting you back into the vessel.

Looking down at your hand, you can't help but wish you didn't get your vision back. That way, you couldn't get hurt by Gorou finding someone else in the months you were gone. Then you wouldn't have seen him propose to this other person. Then you wouldn't have had to remember that night he proposed to you as if he didn't have any other choice.

You don't even realise you're crying until heizou pulls you in reassuringly for a comforting hug. He whispers reassurances into your ear that you were going to be okay, that you had more in your life than the doggy general.

The logical side of you knew it was true, but your heart just was not buying it.

Not if Gorou was going to be out of your life.

[sunlit-tickles]

Comfort

Arashi / Leo / Izumi

Ensemble Stars

Summary: Leo just wasn't feeling his best today as he's slowly getting demotivated from lack of inspiration, causing him to break down.

T/W: I'm not writing the breakdown in detail but it still is implied, so please read this with caution if you're sensitive to these topics!

---☀️

This was…a mess. The practice room was dark with barely any light. Crumpled papers were scattered, pencils broken in half, laptop opened yet unresponsive, and Leo lying down on the floor without saying anything. He was extremely uninspired, and normally you would think that it’s no problem as ideas can just come another day, but not for him. He had a tendency to doubt his own worth by his crafts and his purpose, and with no inspiration comes no ideas for an outcome. Slowly his motivation, mood, and his current state couldn’t handle it anymore.

He was still laying down, his arms numb from staying still for so long. Tear stains covered his face and silent sniffles and hitched breaths kept coming out of his mouth. He was having trouble breathing but he didn't do anything to stop it but stayed there in despair. Well, that was until he heard knocking on the door.

“Oi, are we allowed to finally go in? Rehearsal starts in a minute.”

Izumi didn't mean anything harsh by it, he thought that Leo was just busy inside composing his heart out as per usual. No response. “Hm, alright. I won't disturb you but you have around five minutes left.” He left and Leo continued to weep silently, thinking that, that was the final interruption and he can pick himself up before rehearsal starts. Unfortunately, that didn't happen as suddenly the door to the practice room opened and a shadow revealed itself “Leo?” A gentle voice called out. Leo looked towards the door and saw Arashi, the very first witness to this…mess of a person.

She gasped, running her way to Leo immediately “ah!? What happened!? Did something hurt you?” She assumed, not being able to process everything just yet. The ginger tried to explain, but only a few words came out as his voice was currently…not in the best condition as he had to forcefully try to stop crying when she walked in. Arashi sat down beside Leo before slowly lifting his body and putting his head on her lap to support him while she took a breather to observe their surroundings, and then it clicked. Oh no. “Leo…you can ask for help y’know …?” She said, cradling him in her arms a bit while rubbing his head “it's one of those days, huh?” He couldn't reply as he was trying his best to stop the tears from flowing so he just nodded and planted his face on her chest. He really did his best not to cry since he didn't want them to feel like he's a burden, but be couldn't help letting out some sniffs and soft sobs around her.

He didn’t even notice that several minutes had passed and the door opens once again “Are you done yet? I have to contact Suou and—” “Sena give us a minute.” “What’s going on anyw— ah.” Izumi looked at the situation at hand and saw Arashi gently cradling Leo in a tight hug, trying her best to comfort him. He moved closer and sat beside them, leaning to peek at the ginger’s face that he quickly hid away. “…we’re cancelling practice.” “You changed your mind quickly, you had a change of heart too, Sena?” “You make it sound like I’m so cold. You should know me better than that.” Leo looked up with tears in the corner of his eyes, watching them bicker a bit. It wasn’t exactly the ‘fighting’ kind of bickering, it was playful and just full on friendly teasing. It changed the mood of the atmosphere entirely and he immediately felt a bit better with it.

“You aren’t like this most of the time.”

“You make it seem like it’s rare for me to be kind, how painful…!”

“It is rare! You're always so bossy!”

“No I'm not!”

“You're just kind when you're impulsi—”

“..ehehe..!”

A small giggle came out and the other two stopped bickering to look at Leo who had a tiny smile plastered on his face. When he realized that they're both looking at him, he hid his face on Arashi’s tummy again to hide his face heating up. “Hey don't hide…! It's nice that you're smiling now!” The blonde said rubbing his head while the other moved closer to Leo. “Why are you hiding? You're always smiling outside, what makes it so embarrassing now?” He couldn't explain it, but being taken care of by two of his friends felt…oddly comforting yet embarrassing. His flushed face wasn't calming down anytime sooner and it was still messy from the aftermath of his breakdown. He wasn't entirely better but it was still better than earlier. They just wanted to see him smile again.

Arashi pondered and came up with an idea “Leo, would it be alright to touch you…?” He looked at her confused about what she meant until she placed her hand on top of his side, it tickled a bit that he flinched before a small panicked smile revealed itself. “I know you're not…comfortable enough to talk about it or to even speak but, maybe this’ll help. That is, if you let me.” Izumi doesn't really understand what's happening but for Leo he felt conflicted. On one hand, he's a bit tired and he wants to rest but he also wants their efforts to help him not to go waste and let them. Shyly, he tugs on her jacket sleeve and nods, finally allowing her to do what she wanted, watching a smile grow on her face. “Ehehe~! You won't regret this I promise!”

Arashi wasted no time and started turning her hand into a claw and lightly scribbling Leo’s side, causing him to curl up in her lap while hugging her tummy “ACK—! Ahahahaha…!” He wasn’t protesting but he did have a hard time staying still. She was one of the most skilled ticklers he’s ever met so his sensitivity with her ability made it pretty hard for him to hold back his reactions. “Oh? Is tickling common for both of you?” Izumi asked genuinely as he used one hand to gently skitter the ginger’s nape, making him fold and giggle more. “Well, yeah but I don’t get to do this often to him for these. He’s so cute though isn’t he?” That was so embarrassing…! Leo was still there just giggling on her lap and they’re just casually discussing this…! He blushed from the words and hid even deeper into her.

“Hm? He gets shy from this?” Izumi was really just asking from inexperience, but his words keep on coming out as teasy and it did not help since he turned even redder! “Sena keep your mouth shut! You’re making him focus on those instead of this…!” On cue, she dug her fingers into his ribs, vibrating one by one “EEHEHEEK—! AHAHARA— EHEHE—! WAHAHAIT!” Leo started squirming around like crazy! He clamped his arms a bit and started kicking frantically while rolling around her lap. The gray haired one retracted his hand a bit and she just moved back to his sides “Oops-! I forgot you were really ticklish there. I’ll save that for last my bad…!” She said as Leo nodded, not really wanting to stop but he really can’t handle it there. It was unbearable!

Instead, she slipped her hand under his shirt and started tickling his stomach, making him curl up and cover his mouth to suppress his giggles, making Arashi get a playful yet pouty face. “Hey! You can’t cover up now!” She said, not stopping her tickling but huffing her cheeks pretending to be disappointed while Leo shook his head in disagreement. “She’s doing you a favor isn’t she? Least you can do is let her see your face, no?” Leo did not expect Izumi to start teasing him out of nowhere, and didn’t even expect him to suddenly grab his hands and pull them away from his face! That’s not all, he started to gently walk his fingers on his palm too! “EEEHahahaha…! Wahahahait—!” he giggled, cheeks puffing up while he turned his head side to side “Ihihit tihihickles…!” It caused both of the ticklers to laugh along with him with his obvious statement “Leo we’re tickling you! Of course it’s going to.”

The tickling went on for quite a while with both of them just randomly switching spots, causing Leo to squirm repeatedly. It didn’t matter though, he felt loved and he felt happy despite the sensation being unbearable! He was blushing, hiccuping, and even squealing all throughout and Izumi and Arashi would be lying if they said they didn’t find it cute.

After a few minutes, they stopped, leaving Leo tired and breathless but with a permanent smile on his face. He closed his eyes to try and catch his breath but he started to get sleepy and doze off a bit.

“Oi wake him up, he should at least walk back to his dorm before dozing off…!”

“Hush—! You might wake him up. I’ll just carry him back.”

“Don’t start crying to me about any complaints when doing so!”

“Honestly, I’ll most likely complain about you than him!”

Leo may have looked like he slept but he was still listening and couldn’t help but smile. He had a horrible start, but he was happy to end the day this way feeling loved and appreciated no matter his efforts! He shortly slept right after the bickering calmed down while the other two just carried him back to get him some rest.

A/N: This was a request by @ticklish-n-stuff and I did my best to write this! I hope you feel better and hopefully this makes your day slightly brighter! I'm not so sure if I did justice to the knights but I just hope this brings a smile to your face!

[honeyhellsbells]

Hi! I saw you haven't wrote anything about closing match ups so I'm sending it. If it's a problem just delete it, but if you'll do it thank you so much! (Sorry if it's too long)

I'm an hetero girl quite reserved, in big groups of people I am very quiet and airheaded, a lot think of me as boring or too serious at first. When I'm alone with someone however, especially if that someone is shy, I talk a lot more and try my best to put them at ease.

In general even with people I'm more confortable with I tend to be calm and chill (got called "piece of wood" once by my best friend) though I get my rare hyped moments when I talk about things I love (books, anime, movies, japanese culture and italian culture since I'm proudly Italian). I do theater, but I'm terrible at sports, I'm too lazy.

I can be a bit defensive at times, I like reading romance but I get embarrassed easily irl so I cope with it by sarcasticly insulting people I like. (It just feels like a weakness to like someone? What if they don't like me back, I would look so stupid- I'm trying to get better with this, really). I never mean it and I think people who really know me get it since I also have private moments where I'm honest with my feelings and quite sweet. I need hugging moments, though it's ok if it's only in private. If I feel bored I can and will say weird/random things making myself look like a clown, I love it when I make someone laugh. When I'm alone I will also do little bring-me-luck things even if nobody will notice. I have a terrible fashion sense, would like to get better but I hate going shopping.

I daydream/think too much on things (I'm VERY indecisive) and I love to write, I find easier to express what I think that way than when I talk. I almost never get angry, only irritated. I don't like to shout/being shouted at, but I also don't cry easily in public.

TL;DR reserved personality with a little defensive side and too many thoughts but actually more stupid and affectionate than it seems.

Hi, I knew I forgot something… Match up reserved italian anon from before here, I forgot to say the fandom, I would like to see an Obey me! Match up. Thanks again if you'll write it, but if you won't it's totally okay. Have a great day! -----------------------------------

A good Match Up for you would be…

Asmodeus!

He can be a little vain and might also seem like he doesn't care much about the actual people he interacts with, but something about your demeanor intrigues him to no end. Asmodeus loves mingling with large groups of people, the attention thrown towards him energizing him. But after yet another party and some faceless person leaving his room in the morning, his mind flickered back to you.

When he had first met you, his opinion on you was much like that of most people who met you for the first time under the wrong circumstances. Quiet, serious and almost blending into the background due to your discomfort. It wasn't until later in the evening, when most party guests had converged into one big pulsing mass on the dance floor, that he caught you by yourself, nursing a drink you couldn't remember the name of.

The handsome demon didn't expect much talk from you, as he invited himself to sit next to you, and was quite alright with merely sitting in silence for a few minutes when he suddenly heard you speak up. I wasn't the best attempt at small talk and he could feel the slightly nervous energy coming from you as you tried your best to start a conversation despite not knowing where to start.

The next time he met you was when he was invited to a rehearsal of the theater group you were a part of to help with the costumes. The play was a sweet and passionate story of lovers that were separated by their families, with you and a colleague in the main roles. It was easy for the Avatar of Lust to sense your trouble with the subject and he named himself as your personal tutor in all things romance.

Yet he did not anticipate the fact that he would suddenly become an active participant in this study instead of being the one to teach. What started with him lecturing you with novels and his personal experiences turned into him listening to your passionate rants about the things you enjoy with a barely contained look of adoration on his face.

He takes his time learning your habits and quirks and adapts to them quickly. He never pressures you to change your way of thinking, and once he got used to it, he happily waits for you to put your thoughts into writing, even if it may take a while.

And while it is no shock for either of you two to see how your relationship develops, it baffles most of those who do not know you. Flirtatious Asmodeus, who is very open with his affections, both verbal and physical, ready to gush over your looks and personality, and then there is you, sometimes still so defensive about your feelings that one might think you were allergic to love.

But they don't know about the private moments between you two, snuggled together in private as Asmodeus confessed his many well hidden insecurities, or the two of you in a clothing store that was closed for a private shopping session, with him modeling in more and more ridiculous outfits to make you more comfortable to try on the clothing he had picked out for you.

Your relationship is a perfect example of opposites attract and over time you realized that you had not just attracted, but completed each other.

I hope you like your Match Up!

[howtosingit]

It’s knowing that it’s not just TK and Carlos crying because they’re so happy and in love, but Ronen and Rafa crying because of how happy and proud they are to be telling this story, how much it means to them personally.

And it’s me crying and knowing that, as queer men, we’re all basically crying for the same damn reasons. 

And it just feels like a fucking love-filled communal experience each and every time I watch it.

[gretavansteph]

home remedy | j.t.k

no bc we're going to HELL for this omg but this was a request based off of this ask i'm blushing I hope y'all enjoy

Let me know what y’all think and don’t be a stranger, leave your requests in my ask!

----------------------

Your breath caught in your throat as another wave of pain hit you, this time stronger than the last. You were trying to keep yourself together, you didn't want to interrupt the bands rehearsals even though all you wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry.

This morning when you woke up you were feeling great, even more so because Jake had invited you to come watch him and the boys rehearse. You agreed instantly, and everything was completely fine and dandy until you got there. It was just your luck that on this particular day, your period swarmed you. And when you say swarmed, you meant swarmed. It hit you like a truck as soon as you had walked into the studio, and you immediately excused yourself as you felt the impossible to ignore wetness between your legs. It wasn't even the good kind, and it definitely put a damper in your mood.

Thankfully you were always prepared, so you dug around your purse and pulled out a tampon. You went about your business and popped some ibuprofen before the inevitable cramps hit, and once you washed your hands you made your way back into the studio. It was all going great, the guys sounded amazing and you loved watching Jake in his element with the people he loved most in the world. The way he would furrow his brow in concentration, his tongue poking out slightly as he made sure to hit all the right notes. He looked hot as all hell, and he looked good enough to eat. You wouldn't mind licking the sweat off his face that was a result of him putting his whole jussy into his music. You had read that on twitter somewhere and hadn't stopped saying it. Jake didn't understand it no matter how many times you explained it, but you thought it was hilarious.

You giggled to yourself at the thought, giving Jake a smile and a wave as he looked at you through the glass as if knowing you were thinking of him. He returned the smile and got back to work. You relaxed against the comfy couch you had set up camp on, taking a few pictures of the guys and of Jake. You were having a great time, you really were.

And then you weren't.

The first wave of pain caught you by surprise, but it was barely there. More so a small ache than anything, so with a small sigh you relaxed once again and trained your attention on the band. They were running through a verse of Safari, and you were singing along with Josh when another wave hit you.

"Holy f-"

You bit down on your lip, stopping the rest of the word from coming out. The pain was slowly but surely getting stronger, but you really wanted to ignore it. You were enjoying your time with the guys, and you knew Jake enjoyed you being there too, so upon taking a few breaths you resumed your singing with Josh. It worked for about a good twenty minutes, but now it was to the point the pain had you sweating.

This was the thing about your period, some days you would get lucky and have an easy cycle. Maybe some light cramping on the first day or maybe the second but nothing more. Or sometimes no cramping at all, but then there was those other periods like the one you were currently experiencing where you imagined dying would be less painful. It hurt so impossibly bad, and you knew it was only going to get worse. These types of periods would normally bound you to your bed for the entire duration, and you hated it. But you hated it even more when it occurred while you were away from home, like now. It made you even more uncomfortable, especially because you weren't wearing your comfy period panties. And you didn't have your heating pad or your blankie.

You tried holding back as much as you could, but you couldn't do it any longer. So when Jake looked up at you with a smile, it immediately left his face as he took in your state of distress. You waved him over and he rushed to put his guitar down before he all but ran out of the booth and over to you, taking a seat next to you on the couch.

"Baby, what's wrong?" he asked. "Are you hurt? Do you need me to get you anything I can-"

"Can we go home?" you asked, voice shaking as another wave of pain hit you, this time lingering longer than usual.

He took hold of your hand and without meaning to you squeezed, hard, eliciting a hiss from his lips.

"I'm so sorry I just- my fucking period and- ow fuck!"

He nodded in understanding, helping you up from the couch and leading you out the door after gathering your things. You were able to make it to the car before your tears fell, the pain becoming impossible to hide.

"I know baby, I know, I'm gonna get you home." Jake spoke, putting the car in reverse and all but flooring it away from the studio.

The air was flooded with tearful apologies from you, for pulling him away from his practice, but he quickly dismissed them, saying the guys would understand and that the main priority was getting you to a more comfortable spot. He let you hold his hand on the way, trying not to let it show how much your squeezing hurt.

"I know you're hurting, love," he began, letting out a wince. "But you're squeezing the money makers."

You released his hand with an apology, opting out for gripping onto your knee instead. You let out a sigh of relief as he finally pulled into your driveway, rushing over to help you out of the car and leading you into the house.

You went straight into the restroom to change, discarding your clothes and replacing your tampon. You realized you had forgotten to grab some clothes and you mentally cursed yourself, but a knock at the door interrupted your self scolding. The door cracked open and Jake's hand poked through, your clothes dangling in his hand.

"You forgot these," he said.

You took the clothes from his hand, thanking him before he closed the door once again to give you some privacy. Your heart melted at the sight in front of you, and your tears fell onto the articles of clothing. He had picked your favorite pair of period undies, some soft and comfy shorts and one of his t shirts that was a few sizes too big on you but you loved to wear it anyway. You quickly got dressed and made your way into bed, crawling under the covers. You took notice of Jake's missing figure from the room, but you quickly forgot about it as the pain took over your thoughts.

You groaned in pain, curling up into a ball as you disappeared under the covers. After a few minutes they were pulled back and you felt yourself being pulled into a warm body.

"Move your hands, baby." Jake spoke softly, lightly pulling your hands off of your stomach.

You felt the warmth of a heating pad on your skin, realizing that must've been the reason he wasn't in the room. You curled into the heating pad, your legs pulled up close to your chest, pushing the pad into your skin. It helped to a certain extent, but the pain was so strong it took over your lower abdomen and your lower back. You let out a small sob in pain, wishing it would stop, causing a frantic Jake to speak up.

"What do you need, love?" he asked. "What do you need me to do?"

You knew he just wanted to help, and you adored him for it. But in instances like this there wasn't much to do except wait for it to run it's course. You reached behind you and took his hand, placing it under your shirt on your lower back, silently asking him to rub the area. He caught on and began rubbing your back, and you let out a sigh as he applied pressure.

He held you for a while, switching spots with the heating pad to rub your front as the heating pad warmed up your back. You were able to stop crying after a while, the little routine he had come up with proving to help. You were able to relax into his arms, at one point dosing off to sleep for a few minutes. You woke up not long after, and you were grateful the pain was mostly gone. You leaned into Jake, pulling the heating pad from between your bodies to really feel him.

"Thank you, baby." you mumbled, placing your hand on top of his as it laid on your stomach.

He placed kisses on your cheek, trailing down to your neck and your shoulders. You shivered, and you felt him smile into your neck.

You loved him like this, you loved him all the time but when he was soft like this he melted your heart. Everyone was used to seeing the crazy sex god on stage, working his magic on his guitar making everyone in the room, including you, swoon. But when he was home with just you, he let his soft side come out. You loved that he reserved it for you, even when he sometimes tried to act tough around you you knew he was really just a big softy.

You cuddled up with each other for a while, and you were enjoying these pain free moments. With a groan from Jake, you peeled yourself away from him and climbed out of bed.

"Where are you going?" he asked, sitting up with a pout.

You smiled at how adorable he was, trying to fight the urge to crawl back into bed and kiss the pout off of his lips.

"I'm gonna take a shower," you replied, making your way towards the restroom door. "While I can."

He sighed dramatically, flopping back on the bed with the same pout. You laughed, waving your hand at him before you disappeared into the restroom. You started the shower, setting the water just how you liked it before discarding your clothes.

Back in bed, Jake listened as the shower turned on in the restroom. His mind wandered back to the state you had been in earlier on in the day, and he hated seeing you that way. He especially hated not knowing what to do, he felt helpless as you cried due to how much pain you were in. All he wanted to do was make it all go away, but he didn't know how. That was how he found himself nose deep in his phone as he read different articles online that were filled with all sorts of remedies to help cramps at home.

Over the counter medication, applying heat, massaging with essential oils?

He furrowed his brows at that one and continued on. He was so invested on how certain foods apparently play a part in the cause of menstrual cramps, that he almost missed the last one on the list.

Having an orgasm?

He smiled to himself as he read over that segment of the article. Once he had gathered as much information as needed, he threw his phone on the bed and made his way into the restroom, stripping himself of his clothes.

In the shower, you relished in the feel of the hot water on your back, taking turns to switch and let the water hit your tummy. The cramps were slowly coming back, and you were annoyed at the fact that you only had so much time to enjoy a nice hot shower. That was until Jake stepped into the shower with you, closing the door behind him as he stepped towards you.

"What are you doing in here?" you asked him, eyeing the smile that lingered on his lips.

He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you flush against his very prominent front. "Just missed you," he mumbled, leaning down to press a kiss to your lips.

You returned the kiss before pulling back and giving him a look.

"I know that look, Jacob," you began, placing your hands on either side of his arms, running them up and down as the water washed over the both of you. "What are you really doing in here?"

He gave you a shy smile, dipping his face into your neck as he mumbled a response.

"What?"

You felt him kissing on your neck, nipping lightly at the skin.

"I said," he spoke, pulling back to meet your eyes. "I read that having sex helps with period cramps."

"Oh,"

Oh.

He blushed under your gaze, and normally you would've teased him but you were more focused on the heat that was making itself known between your legs.

"Is that so?" you whispered, toying with the hair behind his neck.

He nodded his head yes, pulling you closer and under the water. He pressed you tightly against his body, his hands wandering all over your backside as you slipped into a sloppy mess of kisses that mainly consisted of tongue.

You felt your body growing hot, so incredibly hot and it wasn't just from the warmth of the water. You moaned as he released your lips, biting at them before trailing kisses down your neck once more. Your breathing became heavy as he got down on his knees in front of you, eye level with your hard nipples, and you watched as he latched his lips onto one, toying the other with his fingers. You were dripping with excitement, you could feel it despite the water coming from the shower and he hadn't even done anything yet.

Moan after moan slipped past your lips as he continued his assault on your breasts, nipping and squeezing just the way you liked. You tangled your hands in his hair, pulling him back up to your lips. It probably wasn't the smartest idea trying to walk with your eyes closed in the shower especially given the circumstances, but you somehow managed not to fall as you pushed Jake down onto the bench in the shower, right bellow the shower head. You thanked whoever and whatever came up with the idea of putting a bench in the shower as you took your place in his lap, pressing your lips against his one more. You felt one of his hands reach behind you and grip your ass, keeping you in place while the other one went who knows where. The realization of where it went hit you as you felt the warm shower water hit your back as it ran down and disappeared in between your bodies. He had adjusted the shower head to hit the both of you.

Your hands trailed all over his body, teasing his hard cock by dancing your fingers around it, barely touching but never quite grabbing hold. His other hand met the spare spot on your ass, pulling back to deliver a hard smack at your teasing before he pulled you closer until you were flush against him. Your throbbing core rubbed up on him, and you were thankful for the water as it washed away any signs of your period. You were a panting mess as you nipped and sucked on his neck, moaning when he pushed you down onto him as he guided your hips to grind down on him.

"Fuck," you hissed, soaking in the feeling of a sting as another slap was delivered to your ass. "Did you- fuck, did you bring a condom?"

A nod of his head was all you needed as you practically begged him to slip it on so you could take your seat on your throne. You kissed him like your life depended on it as he blindly reached for the condom wherever he had put it, slipping it on once he found it.

You felt your pussy throbbing, you were so unbelievably turned on and your period hormones amplified the feeling by a thousand. You let out a string of whines as he teased you with the head of his cock, rubbing it through your folds and over your entrance but never pushing in.

"Jakey," you whined. "Please, baby."

He shushed you, wrapping one arm around your waist as the other held his hard cock, continuing his teasing.

"There's no need to beg, pretty girl." he spoke, his voice coming out much lower and raspier than before. "I'm gonna give you what you need." he promised, teasing his tip at your entrance. "I'll take care of you."

A small yelp left your lips followed by a loud moan as he slipped in without warning. You loved how full he made you feel, it always lingered even after he finished ravishing you. You grinded your hips onto him, feeling his cock moving inside of you.

"I want you to fuck yourself on it," he spoke, wrapping his hand around your throat as he pulled you down, his lips instantly going to your ear. "Fuck yourself on my cock, take whatever you need to make that pussy feel better."

You moaned at his words, and you immediately secured your knees on the bench next to him as you started bouncing up and down on his lap. All sorts of moans and whines left your lips, his own moans falling into the mix. You were a mess above him though you had only just started, but your period had you feeling all sorts of sensitive all over your body.

"How does it feel, hmm?"

You moaned, bouncing yourself a little harder. You loved when he talked to you while he was buried deep inside of you, he was like a whole other person. Outside of your pussy he was sexy, yeah and he was nice and soft and mushy, but when he was deep inside of you with his balls constantly slapping against your ass he turned into the dirtiest version of himself and you loved every single second of it.

A slap on your ass brought you out of your thoughts, and you felt your pussy throb at the feeling.

"I asked you a question." he demanded.

You slowed your movements, not being able to do both as you spoke.

"It feels so good, baby." you said into his ear. "So, so good."

His hands gripped your hips, holding you steady for a moment before raising you slightly, only to slam you back down.

"Fuck!"

Your eyes were squeezed shut as he delivered blow after blow, showing no mercy as he repeated his actions. Your legs trembled beneath you, and you were glad you had him to rely on as you could barely hold yourself up.

"What was it that you said? How did it feel?"

You knew what he was doing, and you wanted to give him what he wanted but he just felt so good, slipping in and out of you with ease. You loved how vocal he was in bed, but he also expected the same from you. Normally you were better at it, but right now you were putty in his lap and he knew it, which is why he continued to press for you to speak.

"F-fuck," you stuttered. "Your cock feels so good, so fucking good Jakey oh my G-"

He cut you off with a hard thrust into you. He loved how he could make you turn into a puddle of mush just with his cock.

"Yes!" you cried, pushing on his shoulder to meet him halfway as he thrusted in to you. "Fuck yes, right there."

He fucked up into you as hard as he could from the position he was in, and you dug your nails into his shoulders as he did so. He knew just how to please you, he knew just where you liked him to touch, so when his tip brushed against that bundle of nerves deep inside of you, you lost it.

"Oh my god don't stop," you begged. "Please don't stop,"

A string of 'please' continuously left your lips, your throat becoming sore at all of the vocalization. His hand delivered another slap to your ass, and he all but growled as he fucked you harder, if even possible.

You felt the heat building in your stomach, though you didn't want it to end. It grew stronger and stronger and you tried to hold it but you couldn't. You pushed your hand in between your bodies, reaching for your clit to encourage your orgasm.

"You gonna cum?" he asked, but he knew the answer.

By the way his moans were becoming more consistent you knew he felt your pussy tightening around him, bringing him closer to his own release.

"Are you gonna cum on my cock?"

All you could do was let out a pathetic whimper as you nodded.

"Use your words, princess. Tell me where you're gonna cum."

You picked up the pace on your clit, your forehead coming down to rest on his shoulder as you moaned.

"I'm gonna cum all over your cock," you repeated. "I'm gonna cum all over your cock, baby."

He let out a mixture of a moan and a growl as he picked up his pace.

"Fuck yeah you are, you're gonna cum all over my cock like the good girl you are."

You felt your body begin to shake even more as you felt your release getting closer.

"Baby," you panted. "Jake I'm gonna-"

"Cum, baby. Be a good girl and cum on my cock."

That's all it took for you to reach your release, your moans echoing through the bathroom as they bounced along the walls. You were so entranced by your orgasm that you almost missed the 'fuck!' coming from Jake as he spilled himself inside of you. He continued to fuck into you as you both rode out your orgasms, eventually stopping all movements once it became too much.

You slumped over his shoulder, clinging onto him to not fall off of his lap. You felt incredibly drained in the best way possible.

Jake took a hold of your hips, lifting you up to pull out his now soft dick from inside of you before he let you back down to rest on his lap. He wrapped his arms around you, holding you close as you shared a mixture of 'I love yous'. He placed a kiss on your lips, tucking some of your hair behind your ear as he spoke.

"How's that for pain remedy?"

--------------------------

[evanshacker]

loverboy 2

part 1, 2, 3

vinnie hacker x fem!actress!singer

warnings: cursing, mentioning smut

summary: y/n and vinnie hang out a lot. vinnie admits that his feelings for y/n are not friendly at all.

a/n: hi everyone! I didn't except that loverboy would get so much likes, so here it is part 2. I did not proof read it. will probably edit it later on. I think I am going to make this into a serie, let me know what you think :)

enjoy! x

vinnie knew that his feelings for you were nothing but friendly. he just did not want to admit it. the two of you have a rare friendship and telling you how he feels makes him nervous. he was sure that you did not feel the same. right? well the last couple weeks you did give him a vibe that you felt the same way. but vinnie did not want to take any risks. after all it is very rare to be so close to someone you have known for three months.

it has been three months since the party you and vinnie met. the morning after the party you stayed the whole day. you and vinnie had so much to talk about that you got lunch and dinner together. when you came home you could not stop thinking about earlier and the past night. how could someone make you feel so safe?

you never gave your number to vinnie. stupid. how were you supposed to talk now? you already followed him on instagram, tiktok and twitter. but you were to scared to sent him a text. what if he was just being nice and did not want to be rude and kick you out? you decided it was up to him if the two of you would ever talk again. to keep your mind off you went to the gym. but it was hard to not think about him.

before you went to sleep you checked your phone one last time. you had an instagram dm from vinnie.

@ vinniehacker: hey I had a great day today :)

@ vinniehacker: if you ever want to see me again you should definitely call me #***

you immediately face timed him and the two of you talked the whole night. you had the first filming day of The Kissing Booth 2 the next morning. but you could not care less.

and now you were sitting in vinnie his room again. your fans loved that you and vinnie became besties and vinnie his fans did too. you made tiktoks together and sometimes like today you streamed together. everything with vinnie was so natural. the conversations, the joking, the flirting, the pranking. you two did not even notice how much you looked like a couple. but everyone else around you did notice it.

just like today vinnie and you were streaming. 'okay @ vincentswife says tell us something about y/n that we do not know.' vinnie starts laughing. you looked at him. knowing what he was going to say. 'y/n is the worst at losing games.' you start laughing. 'vinnie that is so not true!' you playfully slap his arm. 'it really is, remember when we were playing monopoly and you stood on my ground with four houses. you had to pay so much that you needed to sell one ground and you almost started crying.' the chat went wild because of your bad habit. you really were the worst at losing, you just could not stand it. 'well you were also really mean to me. you made so much fun of me. plus I already told you how bad at losing I was.' vinnie gave you a hug. 'loser' was all he said. you pushed him off. 'you see guys? he is such an asshole.' the two of you started laughing again. 'y/n are you filming again for The Kissing Booth 2?' was a question in the chat.

'yes I am! and I am so excited for you guys to see. you know vinnie helps me rehearse my lines.' vinnie starts shaking his head. 'that was our secret.' he said fully focused to his game again. 'aaaah you're the worst actor ever no one cares.' you started laughing at the idea of vinnie acting. 'he is not much of a hulp though. I always end up laughing at vinnie.' vinnie laughs. 'I am the best actor, do not say that nonsens y/n.' 'you know what vin, come to the set with me tomorrow. I will show you what acting is.' vinnie looked surprised when you said that. he loved watching you act, you were so passionate about it. 'hmm I have to think about that.'

'come on loverboy,' you gave him puppy eyes. 'even the chat agrees with me.' 'fine I'll be there.' you gave him your biggest smile. and he rolled his eyes and smiled back at you. how could he ever say no to you.

you continued answering some questions from the chat and vinnie continued playing his game. you could do that all day.

the next day at set you were rehearsing lines in your trailer. 'hello beautiful.' someone walked in your trailer. it was Jacob. your co-star. 'hi Jacob. how are you?' you smile at him. 'better now I see you.' he gave you a kiss. you kissed him back. you and Jacob were not together. just co-stars who have sex with each other so now and then. no one knew about it. not even vinnie and you told vinnie everything. it was just not worth telling anyone. you liked Jacob as a friend. nothing more. and the sex is amazing. you have your needs. he has his needs. so it was a good solution. and the quickies on between filming were even better. it would not hurt anyone.

'we have a half hour before they start filming another scene.' you said looking playfully at Jacob. he kissed you again. the sweet kiss turned into heated kissing. Jacob his hands everywhere. your hands underneath his shirt. ready to get messy. you hear knocking on the door. 'y/n are you in there?' you heard a voice saying.

the door opens and you see vinnie standing in the door. Jacob standing now beside you. vinnie gave you a weird look. he looked you up and down. your hair was wild and your lipstick was messed up. 'vin, you are here!' you walked up to him and gave him a hug. you 'I thought you were not going to show up.' vinnie looked at Jacob. he saw a bit of your lipstick shade faded on Jacob his cheek. 'vinnie this Jacob my co-star playing Noah.' vinnie shook Jacobs hand. who were a few minutes ago on your ass. 'and Jacob this is vinnie. my best friend.'

'nice to meet you man. y/n told me a lot about you.' Jacob said to vinnie. vinnie laughs uncomfortable. you knew vinnie was disappointed in you not telling him. there was an awkward silence. 'y/n I have to go. I will see you in a bit' Jacob gives you another look. 'it was nice to meet you.' he said to vinnie and walked out of the door. you looked back at vinnie. he stood there speechless. just staring at you.

'you never told me you were with him.' you scratched the back of your neck. 'oh it is nothing vin. we just have sex sometimes.' you laugh it off. 'why didn't you tell me.' vinnie said. you were surprised by vinnie his reaction. he was so serious. you knew he would be disappointed when he found out. but you did not expect him to act this way. 'were just friends with benefits vin, nothing crazy. if it was really serious I would have told you about it.' you said to vinnie. vinnie shook of the jealous feeling he had. he starts laughing. 'oh oh oh y/n' you also started laughing. 'come on loverboy,' you grab his hand. 'lets start the tour before we start filming again.' you showed the set to vinnie but his attention was not by the tour. he could not stop thinking about you and Jacob in the trailer.

and seeing you and Jacob on set made it even worse. the scene was at the airport. noah had a sign in his hands that said elle evans and on the back i missed you more. you run to him and he picks you up. with his hands on your ass. your faces to each other. you start kissing. and despite it being played. vinnie was jealous. he did not want to be jealous because he is your best friend and he should be happy for you. he never felt jealous seeing other girl friends kissing a boy. but he was with you and jacob. it was because it would never be you and vinnie together. and then vinnie realized. no matter how hard he tried to deny it.

he had fallen for you, very very hard.

he knew that he was in love with you.

and you were not in love with him.