#like literally 20 minutes after and me explaining my symptoms they were like: | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mental-illness-bingo · 2 years

Text

Content Warning: Venting about ableism against ADHD and Autism in a book; mentions of emotional abuse, repeated mentions of elitism within the autism community, "corrective" surgery for mental health disorders, demonizing of medication, encouraging young adults to refuse their medication etc. Note that I haven't finished the book yet, but I intend to, so I suppose it could get better, but what it's done already is abhorrent, and I'm grossed out.

Book in question: The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily by Laura Creedle

This. Book. Is. Killing. Me.

I saw this recommended as a "really good book about autism and ADHD" from someone but I *really* hate it so far (I'm on Chapter 27, about 2/3 way through the book) and it's honestly just blatantly ableist in so many ways. I do not know if Laura Creedle is autistic or has ADHD, but if so? Internalized ableism everywhere. If not then yet another neurotypical asshat who wrote an ableist ass book.

Context: Lily is diagnosed with ADHD and Abelard is diagnosed with "Asperger's".

And let's start there. This book was written in 2017, years after the switch from that N*zi doctor's name to Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is problem #1, and the reason is not that they use that word for it. I can and have enjoyed books while suspending my disbelief around the fact that they maybe didn't know because a significant number of people still don't in 2023.

However, Abelard is the poster child for elitism. He is this super smart kid who just so happens to have trouble with verbal conversation, being late, and sometimes being touched. He is worse than the savant trope because he is literally talked about like a genius. He is inhumanly good at chess, robotics, old literature, video games, just everything he touches, really. In fact, despite him supposedly having serious communication difficulties, when he is texting, he is suddenly able to communicate just like anyone else, with occasional long pauses between texts being the only issue he shows.

And his sole meltdown that has been shown is honestly so toxic and borders abusive to Lily. She is late to their date due to her ADHD, something any of us with it can relate to, and Abelard knows about her ADHD in advance as well as having had seen her symptoms multiple times in person. There is 0 way he didn't know about her having ADHD. Anyway, she's a little late (I think 20 minutes or something but I can't remember tbh with you) and he is visibly angry with her, and she immediately apologizes, explaining that her ADHD causes her issues being on time. Rather than be understanding of his girlfriend's disorder the way she has tried to be with his, he pretty much ignores her. His mother babies him about it, working on setting up everything for him and getting them into the movie wherein he seems to relax (but only after forcing his mother to go get popcorn right this instant because they're watching a movie and he needs popcorn). Then, after a bit, his father is trying to explain the movie to Lily and its history and Abe does NOT like people talking during movies. He yells at his dad, who continues to try and talk, and then has the meltdown in question. Lily tries to touch him to help comfort him and realizes immediately she shouldn't have when he makes a noise as though he is in pain. He begins slamming his head off the table, which is reasonably off putting to Lily, and she asks his father for help. His father mentions his mom would usually be here and that Lily "shouldn't have been late", basically accusing her of causing the meltdown even though he kept pushing when his son told him they were watching a movie. Lily panics and exits to the kitchen because she feels helpless and upset that she can't do anything for him.

All of this is relatively understandable behavior, I guess. I don't really love that he yelled at his father and mother both in this scene for normal things because it paints autistic people as unreasonable and irrational, but it is true that sometimes meltdowns are caused by people continually doing normal things that happen to really get under our skin. His parents should know his triggers and avoid pushing them because they are his parents. Lily, on the other hand, is a child and one with her own neurodivergent struggle, and should never in any way have been strapped with the blame both because it is not her job to tiptoe around a boy she has been dating for a few days with triggers no one warned her about, and because the issue at hand is a symptom of her own disorder and is equally as in her control as Abelard's reaction to her being late is in his.

BUT THEN while panicking in the kitchen, Lily breaks something on accident as she often does and tries to leave and Abe's mom makes a whole thing out of it. She becomes physically intimidating to Lily, smashing a glass on purpose to "help" the situation, which obviously makes Lily uncomfortable, and half-threatens her to go back into her son's room even though she wants to go. Throughout the entire next scene Lily mentions in her narration wanting to go home and while I think it's important that Lily learns coping skills outside of running away, it is equally within her right to be too stressed by Abe's reaction to her being late and choose to break up with him. Lily is not required to stay with Abe just because she's the only girl he has brought home, and intimidating her into staying is disgusting.

To Abe's credit, he mentions that his mother used his sob story to make Lily stay. Then he loses 100% of that credit in the most entitled scene I've read in a long time where Lily is pressured to not only stay in that house and in that relationship, but also promise to NEVER be late again even though it is a symptom of her own disorder. She mentions that this seems to be the only way to make him happy and that "promising to try harder is not enough". So, more or less, she is in a relationship where she cannot ever show symptoms of her disorder without him giving her the silent treatment, yelling at everyone around him, and smashing his head into a table.

No one ever mentions at any time during this or after that Abelard also should be learning positive coping skills or teaching her how to help with his meltdowns or anything like that. She should just be expected to never show a symptom of her own disorder so that he doesn't react in a very toxic/honestly kind of abusive way. Cannot stress enough that he does not treat her kindly again until she promises she will literally never be late ever again. Not try - NEVER late again.

Abe strongarms multiple people like this throughout the book. His mother with the popcorn, his father with talking during a movie, his robotics teacher where he literally stands there and repeats "I invited my girlfriend to robotics" over and over again until, despite safety concerns, the teacher gives up and allows Lily to stay if she signs a waiver (which she doesn't read and is not the legal age to sign anyway), and Lily when he wants to tell her something but tells her she is not allowed to speak until he has finished then gets visibly angry (as noted by Lily) when she answers a question he asked her out loud. His meltdowns are used as a threat of sorts to the people around him and a manner of controlling them. It is worth noting I have only in my entire life met one autistic person who did this and surprise surprise, they were abusive and had a history of using meltdown threats to R word multiple people. That is not autistic behavior. It is abuse being hidden behind the excuse of autism, and it's gross in every context, including this book.

So, onto Lily's ADHD. Lily is constantly breaking things, constantly late, runs out of any even slightly uncomfortable situation, does not care about the emotions of her mother or her sister, and is overall a really gross ADHD stereotype. But that's okay! Why? Because she will be fixed via corrective surgery. Yes, you read that right. But let's go into why medication didn't work for her first.

Lily lists throughout the book her hatred of her current and all past medications, of which there is a number she lost count of. Because the author treats this ADHD character like a goldfish who was just given access to a human body for the first time and therefore cannot remember anything (or walk two steps without smashing something valuable), that number could still be relatively small. The book doesn't treat it as a small number though, so we're going to assume she's tried most ADHD medications, and is currently taking an antidepressant as a manner of treating ADHD which is so far in the past as far as treatment goes that I don't even know which medication they're talking about.

The typical antidepressants (SSRI's) are not used to treat ADHD at all to my knowledge, and SSNRI's are only really used if every other form of ADHD medication has failed you and even then are rarely used as far as anyone I know with ADHD. Why? Because there are actual medications that help ADHD, and a good amount of them. Realistically, the concept that 0 of them worked for Lily is statistically improbable. The only antidepressant really used to treat ADHD actively is Bupropion, but the emotional blunting the surgeon Lily sees says is a side effect of her medication is not a side effect associated with Bupropion. In fact, Wellbutrin/Bupropion is often used for people either in combination with or as a replacement for other antidepressants to counteract the emotional blunting they cause.

The demonizing of medication in this book is dangerous. Lily hates every medication because all of them have stripped her of her ability to feel anything positive. The book does not mention any other ADHD character that tolerates medication well, or even speak about it as though it is just not working for her. It does not explain that if Lily went to the doctor and told them her side effects, that they would *immediately* taper and remove a medication that is causing emotional blunting and sui thoughts. The book doesn't mention that this is an abnormal side effect - in fact it's says it's a common side effect of antidepressants. It also treats medication as some sort of weird muzzle that is put on people with ADHD so their loved ones (in this case Lily's mom, sister, and teachers) can tolerate them. The book does not mention any positive effects of any medication for ADHD at all. I hate to think how many kids were made afraid of or resentful of their meds by this book.

The book details specific ways to avoid taking your medication, and even how to hide it so you can (tw sui mention) take them all with vodka to hurt yourself. This is not something Lily attempts in the book, but was just thinking about, and therefore did NOT need to be described in detail. The book even acts like sui watch is stupid and unnecessary, and does not detail the dangers if Lily were to take all of these medications at once with alcohol. So basically they wrote in a non-precautionary sui method for kids with ADHD that also involves months or years of medication non-compliance. Great. /sarcasm

But like I said, that's not the worst of it. What upset me enough to write this whole rant is the next part. Lily's mother finally giving up on the neurologists (which... weird because everyone I know with ADHD was treated by a psychiatrist not ever a neurologist), and going to a literal brain surgeon for some sort of electrodes to be placed in her brain that is supposed to permanently change how her synapses fire.

This is the ableist buffet, and for a while Lily feels the same and by a while I mean 2-4 pages. Then she decides that she will see the doctor if her Mom does something for her, and forgets all about the upset of having her mother feel the need to cure her.

In fact, when Lily meets the doctor, it takes him almost no time to convince her that she not only needs but also wants the corrective surgery, spouting about how she could go to college right now if she does it, when college would not have even been an option before.

It is gross on every single level and I looked up this surgery and ITS FAKE ITS NOT EVEN REAL. This author literally made up a fake corrective surgery for ADHD, I wanna puke.

I literally do not even want to read this for the story anymore I just have to know how much worse it can possibly get. If it's bad maybe I'll reblog and add on to this.

Edit: HOW could I possibly forget Lily's Dad? A total deadbeat who cheated on her mother and ran off to Portland, who was only able to interact with his daughter while actively drinking when he still lived with them, who is constantly switching what he wants to do in his life to the point that he can't hold a job, and who refuses to talk to let alone see either of his daughters in the years since he's been gone because he "can't keep a phone". And why is he like this? As the books tells you very explicitly about 2/3 of the way in, he is like this because he also has ADHD. Lovely. He had this apparently entirely inspired, amazing, never-been-done idea for his dissertation in college. But then he more or less got bored and overwhelmed with the idea so he just dropped it, left college and his family, and ran away to Portland. All because he has ADHD, because the author thinks that's what this disorder is - an inability to have any responsibility or finish anything ever no matter what it is or how important. The author treats ADHD like it's a lobotomy and I hate it here.

Maybe don't read The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily.

Edit: see reblog. It got so much worse, not better.

43 notes · View notes

apollo-zero-one · 1 month

Text

I have just had what genuinely feels like the longest and most harrowing work shift of my life, and that's comparing this regular 8hr break-including shift to the 16 and 18hr shifts I have ended up working in the past. I seriously feel like I was at the goddamn hotel for over a week within those 8 hours. I cried 3 separate times. I threw up at some point. I had a panic attack in the bathroom. I thought I was going to get fired for taking too many bathroom breaks after I accidentally consumed milk and got murderous diarrhea for hours. Some old guy told me he thinks schizophrenics deserve to die and that having any hallucinations at all makes you schizophrenic, after overhearing me mention to a coworker that I get auditory hallucinations sometimes. This old guy then revealed himself to be the president of the fucking company. I then was convinced I would be fired for being mentally ill and cried for a full hour. On two separate instances I forgot where I was and what I was doing and got irrationally scared. I found a dollar in my pocket and realized it was a tip I had received that same day, which was weird because by that point I genuinely believed the events of that few hours ago had occured a few days prior. I took a beta blocker which I was prescribed as an as-needed anxiety medication and then got to experience what it feels like to have a panic attack without any of the physical symptoms, and learned that even without the shaking and chest pain and heaving and sweating and shivering it still sucks monumentally. I did online training at some point and while doing so looked around and tried to think of how I might kill myself within the office. The only reason I didn't walk out in the middle of the shift was because I would have had no way of getting home, but I thought about it anyway. I was fully convinced I was going to spontaneously die for the entire last hour of the shift. I made a woman an americano and she gave me a $10 tip on her $4 coffee. I answered no less than 20 phone calls from various people warning us that we had a gas leak or a sewage leak and developed a new script for explaining that unfortunately the hotel is located within a mile of a literal dump and the smell they were smelling was literal burning garbage and natural gas from the dump. A guy gave us a $20 and suggested we (the front desk staff) buy tequila for ourselves with it. The night auditor who I had a whole conversation with yesterday claimed to have never seen me before.

I'm not sure how I got home because both of my headlights (bicycle) broke and my phone died so I rode home in pitch dark and silence, sobbing the whole way. When I got home I laid on the kitchen floor and immediately passed out for 20 minutes, and when I woke up I emailed my manager begging to never work an evening shift again. I then ate some microwaved chicken nuggets in bed while my roommate made origami.

It is 2 in the morning and I have to wake up at 6:30.

I have had a lot of bad days but this one is in the top 3.

1 note · View note

messers-moony · 3 years

Text

King and Queen | S.B

Paring: Sirius Black X Fem!Potter!Reader, James Potter X Fem!Twin!Reader

Summary: James goes through a lot during his time at Hogwarts but his sister is always by his side.

Inspiration: Click

A/N: If this comes off insensitive to anyone please let me know and I will remove this.

James Potter was a handful. From the minute he was born, he had this gleam in his hazel eyes that raged and burned with trouble. His twin, Y/n Potter, was almost the opposite. The soft smile that laid on her features and the glitter of calamity in her eyes. Euphemia and Fleamont were in for a lot the minute their twins were born.

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder is most comparative to having a web browser up with one too many tabs. James had always been unable to focus and was naturally messy. Truth be told, he thought it was normal, just as everyone else did. It wasn’t until his second year at Hogwarts did he realize something was genuinely wrong with him.

Remus told him that he had this muggle thing called “dyslexia,” which was a difficulty in interpreting words, letters, and other symbols. However, it never affected his overall intelligence because everyone knew that Remus Lupin was indeed and wholly brilliant. It got James wondering, did his inability to focus, be organized, and hyperactivity have a deeper meaning?

His twin - Y/n - was quite the opposite. She made quick friends with Remus, Sirius, and Peter, who were close friends of her twin. Y/n was top of their class, creating a friendly competition with Remus, but she was always able to focus. Often she would hyper-focus, which would leave her working for over five hours at a time without realizing it. In those times, James would have to snap her out of it.

Over the summer, James expressed his concerns to his parents. He was talking about how this could be a real issue he’s facing using Remus’ dyslexia as an example. Eventually, they gave in, letting James go to a muggle doctor. James had to fill out a questionnaire that would come back with his results in one week. That week was probably the longest week of his life. Nonetheless, his test results had come back positive.

Fleamont and Euphemia would be lying if they were surprised. After hearing about the disorder, it was almost the definition of their eldest son. Fortunately for James, the muggles had come up with a cure - no, not a cure - dammit, what was it again?

Impede the symptoms! That’s what those muggle pills do. James was required to take two pills a day, one in the morning and once at night. Y/n was in charge of making sure he did so because - more times than he’d like to admit - he would forget everything if it wasn’t for Y/n.

In third year, James was as energetic as ever while getting on the Hogwarts Express, “Aren’t you excited, Y/n?!”

She chuckled, “Yes, but Merlin, you don’t need to literally jump with joy.”

“But I’m excited!”

“I know that.”

They made their way to the compartment that held Remus, who was reading a book. James sat in front of him while Y/n took her seat beside Remus, “‘Ello Remus.”

“Hey, Potter pair.”

Y/n sighed, and James groaned, “That nickname needs to go away.”

“I quite like it.” Remus stated smugly, “Suits you both.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?” Y/n accused falsely, “It means that wherever one of you are, the other isn’t that far behind.” Remus replied.

James had zoned out already, and Y/n snapped in his face, “Take your pills?”

“Forgot.” James muttered guiltily, “Oh Godric.” She whispered.

“Pills?”

“James went to a muggle doctor this summer.”

Remus quirked an eyebrow, “Did you now?”

“Got diagnosed with ADHD.” James informed, and Remus looked amiss, “Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.”

“Ah, I’ve heard of that.” Remus said, and James smiled sheepishly, “I feel kinda odd, like out of place.”

“Why?”

“Dunno, just, why can't I be normal?”

“You are normal, James.” Y/n reassured, “And anyone who says differently obviously doesn’t care about you.”

The compartment door slammed open, “Who doesn’t care about who?”

Remus snorted, “Ever the dramatics, huh, mate?”

“‘Course.” Sirius flopped down beside James, “It comes with my charm and devilishly good looks.”

“Ah, yes.” Y/n said, chuckling, “Don’t you see how I’m swooning for you?”

The back of her palm was against her forehead, “Come off it.” James swatted at her and then elbowed Sirius, “Better not make my sister swoon.”

Sirius chuckled and shrugged, “Can’t help it. I’m just that irresistible.”

The four of them laughed at Sirius’ dramatics and continued talking about the new term. Remus and Y/n were talking about books they couldn’t wait to read. Remus was even kind enough to gift her some muggle books he bought over the summer holiday. Sirius and James bickered about what pranks to do this year, along with which ones were better.

Third-year was fun. It was a year of flooding corridors, turning Slytherin robes red and blasting music in the common room after a Gryffindor victory. James was a brilliant Quidditch Chaser, and Y/n was a fantastic Seeker. Nothing was quite like the Potter pair. Something about them was just unforgettable.

Maybe that’s why Sirius was so fond of her. Something about the Potters made people around them smile on the hardest of days. They made sure that every moment was a night to remember. Every memory was worth reliving. So adventurous, so reckless, yet so kind and loving.

By the time fifth year rolled around, Sirius Orion Black had fallen off a cliff into a lake called love. Sirius completely submerged himself in love for Y/n Potter. The younger twin by just 20 minutes, but something about her was so divine. Was it her silk and glittering h/c hair? No - maybe it was her gleaming e/c eyes. Perhaps it was for her strive for adventure and extreme kindness.

Nonetheless, Sirius fell hard.

And who better to tell than James Potter himself?

Causally - as usual - Sirius opened the door to the Marauders dorm. It was empty aside from the brunet boy with glasses on the bridge of his nose. His hazel eyes were focused on a textbook - Potions textbook - maybe it was to impress Lily. Sirius couldn’t care less, so he pulled the chair out in front of the desk and sat before James.

“Mate, I need your help.”

“Running from Filch?”

“No. Something- Something worse.”

“Something worse?” The textbook shut loudly.

Sirius nodded, “Way worse.”

“Alright then, come into my office.” James teased, and Sirius grinned.

It was silent, “I’m in love with your sister.”

James sputtered, “Excuse me?”

“I’m in love with Y/n.”

“No, no.” James waved his hand horizontally, “I heard you.”

“Then what else would you like me to say?” Sirius asked.

“Literally anything else.”

“Sorry, mate.” Sirius muttered, “I- I really didn’t mean to.”

James chuckled and wiped his hand across his face, “I suppose you can’t really stop love, huh?”

“You really can’t.” Sirius agreed, “I tried. I promise I tried.”

“It’s not that big of a deal late.” James assured, and Sirius looked at him with wide eyes, “I trust you just-“

“Just?”

“I’m worried about her.” James completed, “I- I worry about her every night.”

Sirius softened, “It’s like you with Regulus-“ James continued before Sirius could interject, “And don’t pretend. Your silencing charms are bloody terrible.”

“I know you still care for Regulus, you worry about him every night, and I do the same for Y/n, except my silencing charms are better.” James teased sightly, “I trust you, Sirius. You’re the brother I never got but always wanted. You know, the brother I can play Quidditch with, rough around with, the brother who’s just as sneaky and mischievous as I.”

“But Y/n is still my blood. She's my twin, my best friend, my partner in crime. She was the mind behind my pranks before Remus.” James elaborated and then smirked, “Remus and Y/n make a great team, ya’ know?”

“They are quite brilliant.”

“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, take care of her?” James looked like the eleven-year-old boy again, “Don’t make her a fling and don’t make this temporary.”

“Y/n is a strong woman, and she isn’t for weak men. I’ll be honest,” James chuckled, “She doesn’t need a man. She doesn’t even really need me. I need her more than she needs me. Regardless, take care of her. She deserves a man worthy of her. Someone that’ll get her ice cream at 4 a.m. because she’s craving it. Someone that’ll go on sporadic trips with her. Someone that’ll understand that after a hard day, all she wants is a book and coffee.”

Sirius was appalled; he’d never seen James look so passionate, “Growing up, mum always told me to be a gentleman. I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but she always raised me as one. To hold a door for them, push and push in their chairs for them, give them my jacket even if I’ll freeze.”

“Those kinda things. Dad said I should practice on Y/n, and I did. From then, Y/n always got treated like a queen, and she deserves no less. I won't lie, my parents treat me like a king too, and I don’t want any less either.” James explained, “Be the king that’s worthy of my sister.”

“That’s all I ask of you.”

Sirius nodded, “I’d be honored to serve her as my queen.”

“And if you show her no less, she’ll spit you out like chewing gum.”

He shuttered, “I hate how accurate that phrase is.”

James laughed, “I know her more than you think.”

By sixth year they were dating. Sirius would be lying if he wasn’t eternally shitting himself when Y/n said yes to going to Hogsmeade with him, alone, as a date. In fact, James almost wanted to throw him a party for finally not being a little bitch and asking out his sister. This party consisted of a bottle of firewhiskey and chocolate because that’s all that was in the boy's dormitory. But a party nonetheless.

When Lily rejected James for the last time before graduation, he was utterly heartbroken. He’d spent and dedicated seven years of his life to this gorgeous woman. Despite all his efforts and all his charms, she still wasn’t interested. James tried. He really tried. He wanted Lily so bad. His heart broke when she said her final words of goodbye.

“I’m sorry, Potter. Maybe in another life, just not this one.”

Tears had ebbed at the corner of his eyes as he made his way back into the castle from the Black Lake. In the common room, where he felt like he had just got dowsed in water. James made his way to the girl's dormitory. His hand curled into a fist and knocked lightly on the wooden door. Shuffling was heard from the other side, and the door finally opened, revealing his sister.

Without warning, James crashed into her arms, forcing his nose in the crook of her neck, “Woah.”

“Are you okay, James?”

His body shook with sobs as he shook his head no, “It’s okay. Let’s go lay down, okay?”

Gently she led him to her bed. He curled up beneath the navy blue comforter and placed his head on the silk pillow sheets. If he tried hard enough, he could forget the way Lily’s hair smelt today or the way her green eyes glistened in the sun. Now engulfed in his sister's scent, trying to remove every feeling for Lily possible, he dug his nose deeper into the comforter.

Y/n sat beside him, her back to the headboard, and ran her fingers through James’ already untied hair, “What's got you so worked up?”

“It’s done.”

“What’s done?”

“L- Lily and I.” James choked, “She- She really doesn’t want me.”

A new wave of tears overcame him, and Y/n continued to try and soothe him, “Well, she’s a tosser.”

James narrowed his eyes, “James, you know I love her. She's my best friend, but if she can’t see what’s right in front of her, then she’s an idiot.”

“Can I- Can I stay here tonight?” He asked hesitantly.

“You sure you don’t want me to stay at your dorm?” Y/n questioned, “Because you know who sleeps here.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“Till the end.”

After a couple of minutes, Y/n and James made their way down the steps to the boy's side. They walked up more steps and finally made it to the boy's dormitory. James collapsed on his bed in the left corner of the room, and Sirius perked up at seeing his girlfriend enter the room.

“Whatcha doin’ here, love?”

“Staying with my brother.”

Sirius nodded and stood up to hug her, gently pecking her forehead, “If you guys need anything, let me know, ‘kay?”

“Thanks, Siri.”

Gently Y/n pulled back the maroon curtain and sat down beside him again. James reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers. Something they used to do as kids. When a thunderstorm would go by, James would always seek sanctuary in his sister's comfort.

He fell asleep that night, knowing he was safe, loved, and knew that someone cared about him. Even if Lily didn’t love him, at least someone else did. He had his boys, and he had his sister. Right now, that’s all he needed beside him: Screw Lily and her idiot decision skills. Y/n was right; she was a complete tosser.

When Hogwarts was over, James and Y/n got a flat together. Sirius, Remus, and Peter got one only a floor above. Realistically this wasn’t the plan. James always planned to buy a house with Lily, but he was still healing, and after everything going on, it was vital for him to hold his sister close to him.

Euphemia and Fleamont barely lived to see their children graduate. Not too long afterward had died due to the horrid dragon pocks. It devastated both twins and Sirius. While Sirius wasn’t their true child, he very well could’ve. Euphemia noticed Sirius’s lingering stares on Y/n and the loopy smile that graced his features.

She was the one who got Sirius to man up. She was the one who gave him advice. She was the one who told him what books were her favorite, which chocolate she liked the best, her favorite quills. Euphemia was one of the main components in getting Sirius to date her daughter, and when it finally happened, the parents couldn’t have been happier.

James’ ADHD still remained even in his adulthood, making regular everyday tasks much harder and twice as long. Most of the time, the pills were able to help him complete those tasks. But sometimes, when Y/n wasn’t there to remind him, he would miss his days. When Y/n got home from work, she had barely taken off her shoes to see the apartment spotless.

It was a pleasant surprise, but James was never really one to clean, not that she really minded, but the apartment didn’t have a speck of dust on it. Hesitantly she put her keys on the island along with her bag.

“James!”

“Yes, Y/n?”

He appeared in the kitchen where Y/n was, “Um, did you clean the apartment?”

“Yes, I did!” James nodded enthusiastically.

Y/n sighed and gave her brother a sweet smile, “What did you not do today?”

“So, you know how you told me to go to the pharmacy?”

“Mhm.” Y/n nodded, “Indeed I do.”

“Well, they were out of my meds.” James informed, “I have to wait a week.”

“Oh, Merlin.”

“On the bright side!” James was already causing her a headache, “It’s gonna be a fantastic week! I’ve got so many things planned for us! We’re gonna go-“

James continued to ramble as Y/n grabbed her keys, bag and slipped back on her shoes, “I’m going to Sirius’!”

“Thought you were my sister.” James faked pouting, and Y/n smiled, “I love you, but you’re crazy.”

“I love you too!” He yelled as she closed the door.

1K notes · View notes

newhologram · 3 years

Photo

This Health Update™ is dedicated to Keith, a grown man who for several years now has accused me of faking my illnesses in order to *check notes* "doc shop for drugs and make money on YouTube." Thanks for reminding me why it's important for me to tell my story, silly ass. 😉

4.1.21 I haven't had a follow-up yet but I did get biopsy results, so I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what caused my official Worst Flare-Up Ever. Good news: the biopsies came back fine. Nothing scary, just confirmation that this was not only an ulcerative colitis relapse, but an acute gastritis and esophagitis flare too. Inflammatory bowel disease is cute. Endoscopy showed lots of inflammation in my stomach/esophagus, but thankfully no ulcers or perforations. But, surprise! I have a hiatal hernia (pic 6 in the scope slide), which I'd actually been suspecting for years. This is when a portion of the stomach pushes up past the diaphragm (eew!). This explains a lot of my other symptoms over the years. Luckily it's not huge or dangerous. Still painful and a hassle but nothing I need surgery for. It's probably there as a result of all of the years I've spent vomiting from these diseases. 🤷

Below this cut is my endoscopy pics, a timeline, and more thoughts

I'm sharing this timeline in order to show just how quickly things can spiral out of control for someone with chronic illness, no matter how stable or "healthy" they may seem:

3.15: Period starts. Literal worst of my life*. My cramps are only eased by ibuprofen (worst thing for IBD), but I ONLY take it during my period, so I usually avoid anything terrible happening. But this time I had to take way more than usual because of how bad it was, and periods already cause "mini" colitis relapses because of the wacky hormones. *The CT scan later revealed an ovarian cyst on my right side, with them also noting that my right kidney tubes are kind of prominent. This may explain my rough periods and also why I've been having so many bladder/kidney issues the past few years.

3.17: Miserable, exhausted from period + colitis, I treated myself to some ramen. It didn't seem too spicy for me (and I dilute my ramen with coconut milk) but I had an instant reaction that was very out of character.

3.18: The bad flare started at 1am and from then until 10pm I had 40+ painful, bloody BM's. I knew something wasn't right. I was getting up every 20 minutes and shaking so hard from the pain. I went to the ER.

3.19: Since the docs and I thought it was just the colitis, I was prescribed steroids. I don't normally take them because I don't like how they make me feel, but since this attack was so dramatic I tried to be a good hologram and take my medicine. I should have listened to my gut (lol) and insisted on further investigation before taking anything, because--

3.19-3.28: I took the steroids every day, which instantly calmed my colon, but only made the inflammation in my stomach way. Way. Worse. Basically fried off the protective lining. Imagine you scraped your whole leg against asphalt and then kept pouring acid on it for ten days straight.

3.28: After suffering all those days and barely able to eat without intense pain and bloating, I knew something else was up and didn't want to keep waiting for my GI referral. I went back to the ER and was admitted until the evening of 3.30. The pain was so bad they were giving me morphine every 4 hours at one point. When they heard that I was on steroids with my stomach in that condition they were like OH NO.

I've only been home a day and a half. I'm weak and tired and the pain of my poor screaming stomach is still the worst I've ever experienced in my life. I have all kinds of often debilitating chronic pain that I deal with daily from fibromyalgia, myalgic encephalomyelitis, narcolepsy, osteoarthritis, atlas subluxation/spinal pain, colitis, etc. But this takes the cake. Even with the pills they sent me home with, I'm still in too much discomfort to get much sleep. It feels like my stomach is a hard bloated rock inside of me and I can almost feel it shivering in pain. There is no comfortable position to be in, food is still very painful and the bile is excessive, like a FOUNTAIN coming up my damn throat.

I have no idea what this recovery is going to look like, especially if I'm still in this much pain and barely eating. I'm doing everything I can to support healing right now, including a very minimal mostly liquid diet (probiotics!), gut-soothing supplements, and letting myself off the hook with my content creation and projects (well I do a little bit of editing when I can >.>). Just hoping that as my stomach calms down and the lining rebuilds, I'll be able to eat and sleep normally, which will then make healing faster.

I've officially never been sicker in my life than I am right now. Always things to learn with chronic illnesses, even when I thought I was a veteran. The past year made it hard to make healthy choices 100% of the time. A lot of comfort food that wasn't good for me. I always backed off and went back to my IBD-friendly eating habits, but stress and the need to self-soothe made it harder to keep up. I was already having bloating issues before this flare, so it was all just waiting to snowball into this. I'm taking this as a chance to not only reset my gut but to reset my relationship with food and my rituals around food. I wasn't horribly unhealthy about food before, you guys have seen all my rice porridge and veggies, but I definitely had more "cheat days" than I should have in 2020.

I just... miss... food. So much. My routines are such a big part of my daily and weekly schedule. And now without mealtimes accompanying certain activities like clockwork, I feel a bit lost. I find myself so bored and realizing I would normally be enjoying one of my favorite snacks at that time of the day.

I still have some tests I want to do with my GI when I finally see them, so there is a possibility of there being more to the story (usually is with chronic illness). But for now, I have a plan. Just gotta try my best and REST.

Thanks for the messages, holograms! My healing is supported by your love. Please learn from my story and take care of yourselves too. Start sipping on miso soup daily. No, seriously. Gut magic.

#inflammatory bowel disease #ulcerative colitis #colitis #gastritis #chronic illness #spoonie #persona #teku #seruka

27 notes · View notes

fairy-space · 3 years

Text

Man going through the add tags on this site kinda sucks bc...like...im trying to find people talking abt having add the same way i do but bc i don't have the same severity as i used to i feel like i dont "fit" even though i have it?? Like i don't show severe enough symptoms

It's weird. I definitely have OCD but my symptoms are manageable and i??? Still have that regardless??? AAAA

last night i LITERALLY was in my kitchen getting ready to eat dinner, unlocked my phone to track what i was going to eat, and sat there on social media for 20 minutes and forgot why i even had my phone in my hands in the first place. My bf walked out into the kitchen and was like "uhh...i thought you were gonna make food" and im like damn!!!! Yep!! Forgot!!!

Also with the whole hyperfocus thing...im just confused by some of the terminology. So like. The closest thing i can think of is when i did my Ember drawing. I made 3 different sketches and listened to her song for 4 HOURS STRAIGHT over and over and then dipped into the comments and discovered the whole Andrew Blaze thing and that was another Deep Dive AND THEN i finished the drawing and realized i hadn't had any food or water the entire time!!! That would happen a lot when i was a kid too - I'd get so into a drawing/recording that i wouldn't eat or i would stay up all hours of the night working on it

These last couple of years I've had big problem with my short term memory and completing adult tasks. If it wasn't for my bf helping me then i wouldn't be doing as well as i am. There have been multiple times where my bf and i agree to go get groceries after work on my day off and i show up not prepared to shop. Or i show up to shop on the wrong day. I've cried numerous times in frustration over my forgetfulness because i couldn't figure out why it had gotten so bad. It honestly has embarrassed me and hurt my self esteem because i can't control it. I've been trying to find a way to explain it. There is so much happening in my brain at any given moment that if you tell me something important, other important stuff gets deleted because my capacity is that of a peanut

Idk where im going with this or what im trying to prove...it just makes sense. I used to be in the gifted and talented program. Growing up i started failing classes when we all started having different teachers for everything. I excelled in art, music, and drama but everything else suffered and i would get punished for it. All the time in math and science it was "why can't i pay attention im not understanding this" but in American History my teacher banned me from raising my hand to answer questions about 80s/90s pop culture because i kept getting every one right. I couldn't write essays because they required us to use a certain organization formula to write - that didn't work for me either (fuck outlines and fuck common core for making me feel dumb)!!!!! Im so frustrated by this honestly. I've gone my whole life thinking im stupid when im not

ty for reading im Big Emotion rn I've got a lot going on in my head

#long post #text #add

12 notes · View notes

azuresins · 4 years

Note

10, 16 and 20 for the Valentine's asks please :)

Thank you, Chrome! 💙💙💙 10.) favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate or Cookies n’ Cream, for sure. 16.) favorite love story? Oh, ... Ever... love-story... Hmm. To be completely honest, I’m not sure. Honestly sometimes I think my favorite ‘love story’ is the same one being retold a lot of different times and different ways over and over again. Two individuals overcoming near-impossible obstacles, especially fate, but still loving each other; even if they don’t necessarily get to be a couple and live a long happy life. The friends, to enemies, to lovers specifically, really gets to me. 20.) sweetest romantic memory? I think my husband wins this one. It’s stupid without context and becomes a long story, so I’ll put it under the cut. It’s. Honestly one that probably deserves to be typed out anyhow.

I apologies for the length. Keeping specifics out, C-ptsd is a bitch, and my now-husband and I both have it. My now-husband got some bad very Problematic™ symptoms and in was in relation, to sleeping at night. His entire family got involved and even some of my own. At the time, around 2010, my now-husband and I were on the verge of separating, 3 years into the relationship. I was living with him and his family at this point--his family loved me and understood I needed a little bit of time if I was moving out for good, as I had literally run away from a cult and broke ties with a lot of my own family to live with them, instead. After a week apart to address things, and give us both space, I came back, tentatively, and at that current time was sleeping in a separate bedroom. It was completely up in the air if we were staying together, or not and we were tense. I knew it was out of necessity that we take things very slow, but we both struggled with it... a lot. It was heartbreaking knowing things were happening with him at night and I couldn’t be involved, and there was nothing I could do to help him. I know I came off kind of cold without meaning to. It was definitely new territory and it felt like we were starting over, having to ‘fall in love again’ without actually doing that. It was...really something. We got into a spat during this time period, and I honestly felt like we were over for good, and things would never get better. I went to bed angry; slammed doors, declarations of its over-- the whole nine-yards. We can both be pretty dramatic people. What can I say. The next morning-- One of the many cats, jumped into my open window with a live bird in it’s mouth and it woke me up. It was a song sparrow. I have... a huge soft spot in my heart, for birds, and I couldn’t STAND that it was still alive making those sounds. I shoo’d the cat out (very nicely, after pretending I accepted the present). And I remember it was almost six in the morning, and just gently knocking on my now-husband’s door and explaining what happened, with a shoebox in my hands I found in the closet, and the bird inside and just asking him, nicely, begging honestly, if we could take it to the wildlife shelter that was a 2 minute drive away at the bottom of the hill, where we lived. For more context: we lived in an heavily wooded area; on one side of the house there was wild-woods, and then on all the other sides there was a Christmas Tree Farm, 40 acres of pine trees in all other directions. So wildlife was treasured, it mattered. It’s not like when a cat brings you “a gift” in the suburbs or in a city; because your cat is the invasive species, where we lived, and birds mean a lot to me... sometimes too much. I told him if he didn’t want to, I’d understand, and I’d just walk to it as I did NOT have my own car. He must have been really... confused by the whole thing. I remember feeling really embarrassed and emotional, worried that his answer would be a resounding, “fuck you and fuck that bird, I’m trying to sleep go away” or something, because he can be a dick like that. And I thought he was still mad at me. That we’d never get better. He’s not a morning person, but... he surprised me. I think he knew my feelings concerning this bird. He didn’t complain and he just said “ok” and took me and the bird, to the wildlife shelter within five minutes and I remember just... The feeling in my heart that I had, on the way there. We coasted most of the way down that hill, I just felt so... happy during the car ride even if we weren’t talking. Once we turned the bird in and were assured it was okay, that we did the right thing (the volunteer there let us feed it some blueberries, before we left) I just felt ... so relieved. I remember on the way back to the car, he took my hand, and he said something and I can’t remember for the life of me what he said. He kind of mumbled it but it was something along the lines of ‘it’s alright’ and then he kissed my knuckles and I just, fucking lost it. I could tell by the way he was acting that he was sad and probably accepted that I was leaving but...for some reason-- This specific memory sticks out in my mind, really hard. Apologies came, floodgates; kisses, holding... telling him I wasn’t afraid of him ( a big deal at that time ) and I wanted to stay and I didn’t care what it took, and I didn’t care if he was ‘crazy’ because I was also just as ‘crazy’ as he was with my own baggage (oh boy do I) and that I loved my silly hot-headed owlish flamboyant man, and I wanted to be with him, he’s not like anyone I’ve ever met, I like who I am when I’m around him and I want to be a good person for him and just... fuck-- on and on I just exploded. I wanted with everything I had to hold onto that feeling in my heart, that I knew-- I had to stay, and I had to keep fighting for us. I didn’t want us to be over, I didn’t want to give up on us, and just let him go and live his life without me in it. I wanted a place in his life, and I didn’t want that place to go to someone else after he had gotten better, the idea made me... sick. So I didn’t leave, I stayed; and I loved him and I love him, still-- and now we’re married and the symptoms of our trauma aren’t a fraction as bad as they once were. For some reason him being kind to me and the bird that morning -- was the tipping point that we both needed and I honestly can say since that morning, we’ve never had a struggle like that, that big, again. In a cosmic sort of way I think I owe a lot to that bird; but also to that god damn cat. I think about that cat... a lot. tl;dr my relationship was saved by a cat.

#asks #azure #chromehoplite

4 notes · View notes

itshardcandy · 4 years

Text

The Ramen-Noodle Incident

Min Yoongi x Reader

1870 Words

Genre: Fluff, Crack

Warnings: Friendship, Clumsiness, Swearing, Reader is dumb, Yoongi is equally dumb and also a sweetheart, Hospitals

Summary: You were meant to spend a chill evening with Hobi at his place when Yoongi kinda burns your plans to the ground.

Preview:

“No one, except us and the reception lady, knows what happened, so keep cooling your skin and let me finish this, ok?”

You pouted but didn’t talk back until he had given the registration form back to the lady and led you to the waiting area to sit. He sighed heavily when his butt met the chair and pulled his beanie off to ruffle his hair, before putting it back on,

“that sounds awfully strained, considering you’re not the one cooling her ramen-burned-boobs right now”

You said, annoyance definitely obvious in your voice,

“Don’t remind me of my ramen… I still haven’t eaten anything”,

You had to bite your lip as to not laugh, he was unbelievable,

"I'm on my way, I'll be there in 20 minutes, ok?"

You sent the quick voice message Hobi's way before you clicked the door shut behind you. Apparently, he didn't live that far away. You'd never been to his place before, so you didn't know if taking the car was the best idea, but it was certainly the most comfortable. Hopefully parking wouldn’t be a problem, wherever he lived.

Turns out parking wasn't a problem at all, since the building had its own underground lot. You asked Hobi just to be sure it was the right one. It seemed more like a business complex with lots of office space, than a housing unit. He was waiting for you down by the elevator, dangling a set of keys in his hand. He greeted you with a big smile and a quick hug,

"How are you? Did you have any trouble finding the place? Are you hungry?"

Hobi asked and swiped a card against a pad next to the elevator to call it,

"Good, no and not yet"

You answered with a smile and when the elevator announced its arrival and opened its doors Hobi ushered you inside,

"I'm sorry to spring this on you but I've got to quickly take care of something and then I'll be back, ok? This is the key, it's the first door on the left. No one's home, so just get comfortable. I'll get take out on the way back"

He explained and before you could even say 'what the fuck' the doors closed. Well, you thought, at least he's getting you dinner. And then the elevator transported you to Hobi's floor.

_____

After getting the key stuck in the wrong door and profusely apologizing to the people, who live in the apartment and opened the door on you to try and find out who was trying to break into their apartment, you found the right door and let yourself inside. You left your shoes and coat by the entryway and then walked further inside to find a big, open living space and kitchen combination. It wasn't really what you expected, since it was way bigger than the bachelor's place you imagined Hobi living in. You realised it was way bigger, when you explored around the corner and found 3 locked doors and the bathroom down the corridor. Of course, you didn't mean to be rude and snoop around but... He did leave you alone, so... There was even a staircase leading upstairs. How much space does one man really need? You decided to just take a quick look upstairs and you discovered more locked rooms and another bathroom. Nothing spectacular here. You heard the sound of a door clicking open and shut. Must be Hobi. You climbed down the stairs and rounded the corner to the kitchen and living room only to bump right into Yoongi and the bowl of hot ramen he was carrying,

“Oh sorry!”

You exclaimed and Yoongi stumbled backwards a little, a bit of the soup dribbling over the edge of the bowl and onto his hand,

“Fuck that’s hot!”,

“Let me help y- oh fuck that’s really hot!”,

“Oh no, I’m so sorry”

You tried to help him stabilise the bowl but ended up rocking it again and scalding your own hand in the process. Yoongi tried to pull the bowl away from you, so you wouldn’t hurt yourself again but you didn’t realise it and when he pulled, your hands snapped the bowl back and its contents spilled all over you,

“Shit, shit, shit”

The empty bowl clattered to the floor and Yoongi stared at you with wide eyes,

“Fuck, I’m sorry, YN, are you ok??”

Before you could answer, he pulled you to the sink and let cold water run over your hands and arms,

“Why do I have to be so fucking clumsy…”

You muttered to yourself,

“Don’t say that, it’s not your fault, I was the one with a craving for ramen…”

You chuckled and looked at Yoongi from an awkward angle,

“I ran into you! I should have been more careful…”

He ignored what you said and gently lifted your hands out of the sink to examine the damage. You winced and he pulled his hands away immediately,

“Ok, this looks bad, and it got all over you… we should get someone to look at it, I don’t think cold water is gonna do much more to help”,

“I don’t know, it’s not that bad…”,

“I can literally see you biting your lip and holding back tears, YN, I’ll get you a new shirt and then we’re leaving”

He was already zooming to his room before you could protest. Ok, maybe letting someone have a look at the burns was not a bad idea. They kinda hurt. A lot.

_________

“I thought you meant a normal doctor, not the fucking ER!”

You were agitated when you whispered in Yoongi’s ear, while he filled out some form to get you registered. You had already received some cooling packs after you showed the nice lady at the reception your reddened skin,

“Well, this is the easiest and fastest way to get someone to have a look at you”

He was stating calmly, the sound of his voice muffled by a face mask. He’d given you one, too, after you had changed out of your soiled clothes agonizingly slowly, as to not irritate your skin even more,

“I guess you’re right but I feel so exposed in here, this is super embarrassing…”

You could probably still find some cooked noodles in your hair if you tried hard enough. Yoongi chuckled and looked away from the form in front of him,

“No one, except us and the reception lady, knows what happened, so keep cooling your skin and let me finish this, ok?”

“that sounds awfully strained, considering you’re not the one cooling her ramen-burned-boobs right now”

You said, annoyance definitely obvious in your voice,

“Don’t remind me of my ramen… I still haven’t eaten anything”,

You had to bite your lip as to not laugh, he was unbelievable,

“Sorry, next time I’ll try and not get scalded by your soup, so you can enjoy it”,

“Ah thank you… but it’s no use… I can feel myself growing weaker… maybe I should register, too, for malnutrition”

He made his voice sound gruff and held a hand to his chest to look more dramatic. You didn’t hold your laughter this time and smacked his arm with the area of your palm, that was not burned,

“You’re unbelievable! Get a snack from the vending machine if you’re hungry”

He snickered next to you, the evil fucker.

You let out a long breath and relaxed as much as possible. With boredom slowly settling over you, you let your gaze travel over the other patients waiting in the area and that’s when you noticed a group of two girls and a boy checking you and Yoongi out. You looked over to Yoongi, who had pulled out his phone held it close to his face, like he wanted to hide behind it. Then you looked back to the group; they couldn’t be older than 16-17, they were still teenagers. Still, how they looked at you and started giggling and whispering made you feel uncomfortable. Sure, it didn’t help that you were wearing a shirt, that didn’t fit you, and some noodles or vegetable pieces showed it your hair but that didn’t mean you appreciated being made fun of. You wiggled in your seat and then got up, deciding to go to the restroom for a break. Yoongi’s head shot up when you stood,

“What are you doing? Do you need something? You know I was just joking about the food, right? I didn’t mean any—”,

“Relax, I was just going to the bathroom”,

“Oh, sorry, don’t mind me, then…”,

“…”,

“You want something from the vending machine?”,

“Yes, please, get me those shrimp chips, pleeease”

You rolled your eyes and smiled at his pleading. Sure, you’d get him the chips on the way back.

_________

It didn’t take long for your name to be called after that and the doctor who examined you, didn’t comment on your ramen-accident, although you could see, he desperately wanted to. He put some lotion on your arms and hands and gave you a tube to take home and apply to the rest of the burns and then he discharged you.

Yoongi was waiting for you in front of the main entrance, ready to take you home and probably more ready to prepare a new serving of ramen, not minding that you were now experiencing PTSD-symptoms just thinking about them.

You walked back to the car and after you settled inside and fastened your seat-belt Yoongi spoke up again,

“I just wanted to say, I’m sorry, again”

He was pouting a little and drumming his hands on the steering wheel,

“Don’t worry about it, I burned myself at home more times than I can count”

You tried to laugh it off but he looked a little serious all of a sudden,

“I’ll make it up to you, ok? Give me your number, I’ll send you the money for your clothes, or the cleaner, if they’re salvageable…”

He had pulled his phone out already and you blinked at him in confusion,

“Ah… ok”

You pulled yours out carefully, as well and went to look up your own number when you spotted the missed calls and messages from Hobi,

“Oh shit, I completely forgot to text Hobi and tell him what happened…”

You made an expression that said yikes in Yoongi’s direction and he copied it,

“Better let him know now, I’ll text him while you look for your number”

He said and was engrossed in his texts a second later, so you did as you were told. Quite frankly, you didn’t need him to send you any money, since the shirt had been an old one and your pants were barely even hit by the soup but you figured he felt a little guilty still and so you didn’t object. And also, judging from the things Hobi told you about all his friends, they were loaded and you weren’t, so there was that,

“Ok, he said he’s waiting for us with food”

He probably said a little more than that, knowing Hobi and his dramatic ass,

“Alright, sounds good. I could really use some food now, too…”

Yoongi smiled at you expectantly,

“Not ramen!”

You added with an even bigger smile and he held up his hands in defense,

“Fine, fine, I won’t be coming at you with ramen for a while. Now, gimme your phone”

He snatched the phone out of your hands and typed your number in his before he called yours and saved his number in it,

“Now let’s get back and not keep Hobi waiting”

#bts #bts fanfic #bts reader insert #bts x reader #bts suga #bts min yoongi #bts suga & reader #fluff #crackfic #crack #hardcandywriting

17 notes · View notes

aetheriumwar · 4 years

Text

ben is such a great guy and it really just hits me sometimes how lucky i am to have him because he really would adapt to anything if it would make life easier for me. he stayed up so late with me to make sure i was okay, and he gently encourages me to eat all day long even when i get snappy at him. he'll cook me food and listen to me so patiently while i explain exactly how i want my food in particular because of my ed/texture issues. he asked if i wanted to play a podcast tonight even though we both know he doesn't like falling asleep while anything plays. he asked if i wanted to keep the lights on tonight even though we both know he'd rather sleep w the lights off (who wouldn't tbf?) & i know if i'd said yes he wouldn't complain about it. he lets me wake him up 20 times a night if i need a hug or a kiss because sometimes i just need that to help me sleep. he sat so patiently while i scrolled through literally over a hundred movies today because i couldn't decide on a movie, and he didn't complain when i said "can we just watch the vampire diaries instead?". if i mention i want something he always gets it for me or plans to get it for me even if i'm just mindlessly talking. he helps me all the time when i need help and he never gets annoyed about it. he notices when i flinch for no reason & checks on me. he listened to me talk about movies for like 45 minutes today — while we were in the middle of a completely unrelated movie. he knows i get scared to go to the bathroom after horror movies so he'll sit w me to make sure i don't die in the bathroom (lol). he listens to all my delusions and helps me do whatever weird compulsive thing i need to do to help me feel better. if i jokingly tell him to stop doing something he does and says sorry and checks on me even if he knows i was joking. he makes me milkshakes at 4am even though it's probably really annoying to wash the blender that late. he was sleeptalking earlier and said "i'm so sorry i'm sleeping and you're not". i know someone out there is thinking that the bar is too low and that ben just treats me w respect (& respects my mental illnesses & symptoms) but like. i've only ever been treated badly in relationships before him. and i've never been with someone who is so kind & patient & loving & willing to sacrifice or compromise for me. and i wish i had seen more people talk abt how well their partners treated them so i could know what good relationships looked like. he's just my best friend and he treats me so well and I don't talk enough about how amazing he is. he is the most amazing person to be in love with & i just feel so lucky to have him

#hayden shut up #ben #ok to rb idc

7 notes · View notes

meismalis · 4 years

Text

*TW* This post contains details about drug use, abuse and rape.

Just listened to the otherside by macklemore and Ryan Lewis for the first time again since my before my addiction

It was my favorite song in grade 12 but man it hits different now.

I started with Percocet, on to oxy 20s then 40s then 80s, then morphine (eslons, hydromorphs) then started shooting the morphine. Eventually ended with heroin and fentanyl. At the end of it I was shooting 5 points of fentanyl laced heroin a day.

I remember meeting up with a guy I never really hungout with before and we went a picked up and he did half a point and I did a 2 point smash of fentanyl and he would not let me do anymore than half a point. I was like listen, I'm not going to die, that will take away the withdrawals but I will barely feel it and I had to literally give him my narcan to get ready to revive me because he didn't believe me. He was stunned at the fact that me, a 98 pound girl at the time, could smash 2 points of fentanyl laced heroin.

My habit was a MINIMUM of $100 a day, and that was just to not be sick. I wanted to actually get high? At least $200-300 that day.

One day, my bf and I were driving after picking up and pulling into an empty parking lot to do a smash and he looked over at the passenger seat and I was passed out, white as a ghost, barely breathing, making gargling noises. He later said it sounded like a drain draining coming out of my throat, the life literally draining out of me. He couldn't call 911 because we had one shitty phone cause we sold our phones for drugs, and that phone didn't have a sim card, only on free wifi would we be able to use it. We were on a long country road too with barely anything around. He ended up pulling into a Tim Hortons after a while and dragged me out of the car on the ground crying and screaming for someone to call 911. 911 arrived and pulled me away in the ambulance and the last thing he heard them say as we pulled away was "I'm not getting a pulse" the cops didn't press charges on him, I guess because they thought he was just about to lose his girlfriend, and took the needles and stuff out of the car and let him go to the hospital.

Meanwhile I'm in the ambulance unconscious with barely a heartbeat, and woke up violently with a massive needle in my chest. They gave me narcan and it didn't work so they jammed an adrenaline needle in my heart, then the narcan started to take effect. I immediately went into precipitated withdrawals, it was hell. The first thing I did was scream at the paramedic for ruining my high and started crying. When my bf came to the hospital and saw that I was okay, he came running up to hug me and the first thing I asked was if he got the drugs out of the car. I was relieved when he said yes. I was about to be released but I was in horrible withdrawals and couldn't wait even one more minute, I went to the bathroom and grabbed the needle and cooker out of my underwear and did a shot right there in the bathroom of the hospital after nearly dying.

When I say you lose all sanity and everything about yourself when addicted to opiates, I mean it. You are chemically a different person. You are physically dependant on something to keep you okay. If you don't have it, the worst pain and symptoms you have ever felt in your life take over. It feels like you need to open up your chest and itch your heart, it feels like your skeleton needs to burst out of your skin, your skin is full of pins and needles, the burning kind. You're sweating buckets, nauseous AF, migraine galore. Every single part of your body is extremely uncomfortable and painful. Your eyes, your fingertips, your fucking hair follicles. Everything is on fire. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. The way I describe it isn't dramatic enough, it's 10000x worse than what you can imagine. And one little pill or shot takes it all away immediately, and puts you in the most warm, cozy, state of euphoria you have ever felt. Going from death's door to that feeling, I can't describe it. Now as I'm writing this, I have the urge to break 3 years of full on soberness and shoot heroin up my veins. I won't lie, I would love it. Its orgasmic......but I know it isn't worth it. Well, that's actually half a lie. To part of me, anything is worth it. Which is why I had to hit absolute rock bottom and have some pretty horrible things happen to me to get sober.

It's very difficult for me to talk about but there was a 3 month period were I was held hostage by a trafficker and couldn't escape because my bf would of literally been killed. I was forced to break up with him and go with him. He constantly had his "buddies" with me if he wasn't there. Those months were full of pain and numbness. I wasn't trafficked myself (he "loved me so much and didn't want that life for me") but I helplessly watched as he would bring me everywhere to keep an eye on me, including the sketchy hotel rooms where girls would be meeting guys and supplied with their drug of choice and he would pick up the money these girls made, leaving them with like 15% of what they made. Some of these girls were so young. Barely turned 18. Some may have even been 16, 17. It was horrid.

Everytime he would kiss me or touch me, I wanted to throw up. I was high AF every single time, it was the only way I could deal with it. Its very difficult for me to talk about what he did to me in details, I can barely tell my therapist. Anyways, I ended up getting away, I ended up getting a note to my bf and explained everything, and I had to beg him not to react, not to basically kill him. He went to the police and they knew his name, and he had the police come and find me. They ended up fake arresting me and putting me in a cop car so I could get away without suspicion. The cops took a statement from me and ended up raiding the hotel I told them about. Unfortunately no charges came about as the girls were "willing" and "consenting" and "gave the money they made willingly". It makes me sick to my stomach that nothing happened regarding that.

I ended up getting a restraining order (to this day, I'm terrified he will find out where I am) and leaving Oshawa with my bf, and we ended up in a different Town and got clean not too long after that. Since then, I have gotten back to a semblance of myself. I have been COMPLETELY clean about 2 months over 2 years. I started my journey of being clean 4 years ago essentially, I was clean for a majority of those 4 years, but about 2 years in, I relapsed and ended up doing it for a couple weeks after the relapse again, but since then I have not touched it once. My bf and I moved back to our homeland (Newfoundland) and we have made extreme strides at rebuilding our lives. We both have stable decent paying jobs, a beautiful apartment and cat, amazing relationships with our families again, I'm getting my full driver's license in March and my bf paid off his DUI fines and got his lisence back and we're getting a car in a couple weeks, my step mother is giving us her 2014 ford and I am going back to school starting night classes this winter while working full time still, and then in the fall I am going back full-time for Marine Environmental Technology (essentially marine engineering and environmental sciences together :))

I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I would make it out. I was convinced I would die in that state and period of my life. I am NEVER going back there, mark my words.

Oh my, that was way heavier and longer than I expected it to be, though it was nice to get all of that off my chest and out into the open. If you made it here to the end, thank you for listening. I your image of me hasn't been ruined too badly..........

3 notes · View notes

insanelycooljk · 4 years

Note

You mentioned ⚡⚡⚡was the worst for angst so now I Have To Ask

send me the title of one of my deh wips and I’ll share an excerpt/tell you a bit about it

Ok I definitely only mentioned that because I was hoping someone might ask about it lmao. I’d argue that this is more like... hurt than angst, but it’s gonna be hurt/comfort, so hopefully the sweet moments make up for it. You can expect a lot of soft kleinsen lol.

This one it was like 3am and there was a huge storm outside. I was sitting by my window watching the lightning, I’d just finished reading Trying Through the Trauma and a particular scene was on my mind (if you’ve read it you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t I highly reccomend it because that fic is wonderful, the world-building is INSANE).

So given all of that, plus my apparent desire to just hurt all the characters I love, my brain was like “hey... what if Jared got struck by lightning?”

Which I KNOW sounds absolutely ridiculous and like some kind of crack fic, but just bare with me here ok.

For maximum angst, the fic begins with Jared storming out of Evan’s house after a fight.

I haven’t worked out all of the details of the fight yet, but basically there was an attempt at an apology/discussion of Evan’s letter that didn’t go so well and things got a bit heated.

Jared’s hurt and angry, so he runs away because that’s what he does.

It’s absolutely pissing down, it’s at least a 15/20 minute walk back to his house, but Jared’s a stubborn bastard and he just needs to get out of there.

Evan’s stuck in his head trying to process how the hell that went so badly, because he’s hurt and angry too, but then a particulary loud clap of thunder snaps him out of his thoughts. He’s not sure why the hell Jared walked here instead of drove (it was because he wanted the extra time to try and plan what he was going to say to Evan), but Heidi will kill him if she finds out he just let Jared walk all the way home in this weather.

So he runs outside after Jared to tell him to stop being an idiot and at least just wait until it stops raining so much

And of course Evan catches up with Jared just in time to see him get struck

Evan is just frozen in absolute horror because what the fuck. What the fuck. Who the hell gets struck by lightning!? That just doesn’t happen in real life. What the fuck.

His brain finally catches up to him and he rushes over to Jared who’s just convulsing on the ground.

Evan’s hands are shaking but he manages to call 911. Once the ambulance is on their way he’s just staring helplessly at Jared still seizing on the ground, and all he can think is Jared is going to die and the last thing they did was fight.

Another minute or so passes and Jared’s seizure suddenly ends. Evan’s just holding his breath because he has no idea what he should do. Being a nurse and all, Heidi’s taught him how to do basic CPR incase of emergencies, but Evan’s in such a state of panic that he can’t do anything

And then Jared opens his eyes. It takes a second for the pain to catch up to him, the ringing in his ears is loud and oh fuck everything hurts his whole body is on fire

Evan is freaking the fuck out now that Jared is awake and crying, and he’s desperately trying to comfort him and is begging the ambulance to hurry the fuck up. And god this is so much worse now that Jared’s conscious, because Jared just doesn’t break down. The last time Evan probably saw him cry was when he stacked it on his bike when they were kids (unless you count the unshed tears shining in his eyes during their gfy fight and most recent fight, which Evan is pointedly NOT counting lmao, he can’t deal with that right now)

Anyway, the paramedics finally arrive and give Jared some serious painkillers and take him to the hospital because honestly they’re not really sure what to do either. It’s not like there’s a special “lightning strike survivor” class in the paramedicine curriculum lol. Jared didn’t go into cardiac arrest or anything so that’s a good sign, but he’s obviously in pain and he’s got some really nasty burns that need looking at so he’s clearly not fine.

And of course, for more maximum angst, they take him to the hospital Heidi works at. Because of course they do. Heidi’s had a fairly quiet night at work, or at least as as quiet as it can be working at a hospital. But then she overhears something about a kid who got struck by lightning!? And Heidi is like damn… well that doesn’t happen every day. She’s currently on her break but she’s understandably pretty curious, so she decides she’ll just go see what’s going on.

Which of course leads to her finding an extremely distraught looking Evan who is absolutely drenched, and any other thoughts are gone from her mind instantly.

Evan all but collapses into her arms. She’s holding him tightly as he just sobs and sobs and he’s shivering and so cold and why is he so wet? And obviously Heidi just wants to be there for him but the she’s starting to panic and she needs to know what’s wrong. She pulls away, still holding his shoulders tightly, to look him in the face.

“Evan, honey talk to me. What happened?” And he just manages to choke out “It’s Jared, it’s…. he,” but he can’t get the words out because he keeps being interrupted by his own sobs. And now Heidi is really worried because what happened with Jared? Is he ok? “He…” Evan can’t continue because he just lets out this choked cry and breaks into even harder sobs. Which causes Heidi to promptly pull him close again.

Evan is just, exhausted. Like, he was so tense and upset after the fight with Jared, and then THAT happened, and he’s been doing his best to not completely fall apart so he could explain what happened to the paramedics, but it’s just all so much, and all he wants his mum to hold him and tell him everything’s going to be ok.

“He’s hurt,” Evan says finally once his breathing is bit more under control and he can finally speak again. “He…. there was lightning and, and-”

And Heidi’s heart just stops because she suddenly remembers the boy that supposedly got struck by lightning and she does not like where this is going.

Jared’s mostly ok physically. He’s got some really nasty burns and he’s in a lot of pain, plus the strike was super loud so he’s got some bad tinnitus, but nothing that really needs monitoring. So he’s only in the hospital for a couple of days.

However, the thing with lightning strikes is it can do a lot of weird neurological damage that scientists and doctors don’t really understand yet. So a lot of survivors suffer from things like personality changes, mood swings, memory loss and chronic pain.

So in terms of symptoms for Jared he struggles with chronic pain. It’s not like a low-level constant pain, it’s more episodes where he’s in extreme pain for a short period of time and then it fades away again. He got struck on his shoulder, so the pain flares up on his shoulder and down his arm on that side of his body.

His burns take a while to heal, and whilst his tinnitus gets much better it’s always there to an extent. He’s also got some issues with fatigue, it’s not terrible but he definitely gets tired more easily than he used to.

Jared doesn’t really have any issues with like, personality changes or anything, but the whole experience was pretty tramautic, so his mental health definitely isn’t great right now.

Obviously, Jared’s pretty fucking terrified of thunderstorms now. He pretty much just refuses to leave his house if there’s a storm.

One time he’s driving himself and Evan home from school and it starts raining and he just – refuses to leave the car. There’s not even thunder but the sky is dark and it’s raining pretty heavily and Evan’s all like “It’s ok, come on. It’s two metres. Just take my hand and we’ll run inside together ok?” And poor Jared is having a panic attack, just gasping for air, and he’s shaking his head and saying “I can’t.”

And Evan kinda tries a couple more suggestions to coax him inside, because like they literally just have to walk from the driveway to Evan’s front door. There is a 0% chance that anything would happen in the 5 seconds it would take to get inside, and there isn’t even any thunder, it’s just raining heavily.

Eventually he gives up and they just sit in the car together waiting for the storm to pass. Evan can’t help but think how ironic it is that he’s the one who has to help Jared through his own panic attacks now.

But the main complications Jared struggles with are the cognititve issues. Jared’s always been pretty smart and has done well in school, so he finds it really hard to deal with.

He REALLY struggles with his memory at first. Mainly short-term memory. He’ll do things like make lunch multiple times because he forgot he ate already. He struggles with reading and writing and keeps tripping over his sentences. It all improves a lot over time, but it never quite gets 100% better.

But yeah, that’s kind of the hardest part for Jared because it’s just frustrating and confusing. It causes him a lot of distress because it makes him feel so stupid.

One time when he’s really struggling with it, maybe whilst trying to do work for school, Jared just breaks down about it because he just feels so frustrated. He ends up crying into Evan’s shoulder and going “I just want to be better”

Evan says nothing, because he’s been doing an obsessive amount of research and the truth is Jared might not ever be “better” again, and he doesn’t want to lie to Jared. Well, he certainly wants to, we all know about Evan’s lying issues lmao. He desperately wants to tell Jared comforting lies like “it’s ok” and “there’s nothing wrong with you” and “of course you’ll get better” but he holds his tongue because he knows he can’t lie to Jared, not about this.

ANYWAY ahahaha, I got a little carried away with this one but I’ve got a LOT of feelings about it. It will end up with kleinsen because I couldn’t resist, so on that note I do have just one last point I HAVE to share 🥺

So a lot of people who get struck by lightning end up with these really kind of beautiful looking scars called Lichtenberg figures. They normally only last a day or two (although I did read about one guy where they lasted like a month) but uhh.... I will be taking some artisitic liberities there lmao because imaging Evan gently tracing over Jared’s scars when they finally get together? Good shit.

#⚡⚡⚡#anyway thank you for indulging me with this one #it's been fun but sad researching for it #also Jared definitely like… tries to make this his Thing #like he’s not coping well so he just pretends it’s actually awesome #he keeps making jokes about being the flash and not even god being able to strike him down lmao #oh boy and if he ever has to do icebreakers? one of those 'tell the class a fun fact about yourself' things?#he's just like everyone else stfu and go home because there is no way in hell you can beat this #but yes lots of soft kleinsen for this one #unfortunately no super speed or lightning powers though lol #deh wips prompt #zoe writes #deh #jared kleinman #kleinsen #evan hansen

8 notes · View notes

xproskeith · 4 years

Text

For those interested, this was the post I made:

“So, I really don't post much beyond personal stuff and pictures and I haven't really chimed in on masking and precautions for COVID-19 beyond a few comments on other people's posts. However, in light of the rising number of cases, the shutting down of businesses again, the statewide masking mandate, and the absurd amount of anti-mask nonsense I have seen lately, I feel I have an obligation as a nurse to make a statement.

It would seem that a lot of you don't understand what's actually going on, disease process and transmission, and how to analyze and interpret data (which in all fairness is something you have to learn to do and is rarely taught outside of science based degrees, so your ignorance isn't entirely unreasonable I suppose). As such, please allow me, someone with two bachelor of science degrees, who has assisted in conducting research in multiple fields including medicine relating to disease transmission, and who has been working the actual front line of this pandemic (and yes, we are absolutely in a pandemic. This is textbook definition) as an RN on the COVID-19 units to educate you and explain things.

First of all, there seems to be a completely incorrect belief that the flu is more deadly than COVID-19. Based on the most recent numbers as collected by the CDC, the COVID-19 survival rate in the US is roughly 95%, meaning 5% of all people who get the virus die from it and the complications it causes. The seasonal flu survival rate based on the current numbers from the CDC is roughly 99.99%, meaning only 0.01% of all people who get the flu die from it and complications that it causes That's not even remotely close. You have a much higher chance of surviving the flu.

The other major problem with just looking at the raw "survival" numbers is that it doesn't tell you about how fucked so many of the people who survive the virus are. Sure, they may survive, but their lungs are now mostly scar tissue thanks to the virus, not to mention the trauma from being on a vent for so long. As such, they often can't walk further than 5-8 feet without getting severely winded and fatigued. Many of these patients end up on dialysis because the virus destroyed their kidneys. Many have lost toes and/or fingers or had pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in the lungs) because the virus causes hypercoagulation of the blood and damages the endothelial cells that make up the inside of your blood vessels. This causes blood clots to form more easily inside the blood vessels, cutting off oxygen to the toes or fingers involved, ultimately killing the affected finger or toe. This is just what we have seen so far. We do not know the full extent of the lasting and permanent damages this virus will have on people

Which brings me to my next point. We do NOT have a true treatment plan for this virus. No current anti-virals are effective. Or at least not enough to be considered a real treatment. The use of typical/standard of care medicines to help with symptom management (such as ibuprofen for pain/fever and steroids to help with breathing) actually make things worse in the presence of this virus. So, we are learning as we go and doing our best to keep people alive.

There is a huge misconception that this virus does not hurt/kill/effect younger people. This is not true. We have had many teenagers, people in there 20s and 30s, who had no other health history prior to this die. We're seeing it more now thanks to people going to the beaches and bars in droves and doing these dumb "COVID parties". They're literally getting themselves killed and spreading it to others, both young and old.

Lastly, I will address wearing a mask. There is literal DECADES of research on masks and their ability to reduce the transmission of disease. That's why we use them in surgery and in the hospital in general. To prevent the spread of disease. We have been doing this long before COVID-19 and will continue to long after it's over. If that giant body of research is still not sufficient for you, you only need to look at the rest of the world where they issues masking mandates and their citizens listened. Those countries are largely reopen and not experiencing spikes like we are. That's because they're wearing masks and following recommendations. Funny how when you listen to the people who spent their entire educational career and actual career on these very topics and considered experts, things work out. It's almost like they know what they're talking about. Anyway, point is, we can see in real time how everyone wearing masks is stopping the spread and allowing these countries to reopen. Meanwhile, the US's cases continue to rise and we are forced to shut down again. Even Trump himself wore a mask. Everyone wants to complain about them shutting the economy down, but no one wants to be bothered to do something that takes ZERO effort to do so that we don't have to. The experts have told you what to do to reverse what is happening, but y'all won't listen. I mean, in some countries, they were a mask on a normal day just because they feel a little sick and don't want to get others sick. It's common courtesy.

And if you wanna argue that wearing a cloth or surgical mask makes it hard to breathe, you're wrong. There's research on this too. oxygen absorption and saturation in the blood is not impacted at all by wearing a mask, even for extended periods (y'know, like surgeons and the surgical staff do for upwards of 8 hours depending on the surgery). Any sensation or feeling that it's harder to breathe with a mask on is all in your head because you're not used to wearing a mask. Then, my favorite piece of evidence: if my fat ass can do chest compressions on a patient for 20 minutes while wearing a true N95 mask that's covered by a surgical mask, scrub cap, thick isolation gown, and eye shield and be just fine, you will be fine walking around the store and such in a simple surgical mask.

In conclusion, wearing a mask works. The research is there. The direct observation from other countries is there. There is a reason healthcare workers and epidemiologist (people who explicitly study and research diseases, disease transmission, and how to stop it) keep making these recommendations. There is literally no justifiable reason for you not to wear a mask.

One more thing worth noting is what has been the most taxing on the nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists. These patients, both young and old, deteriorate so fast. I have watched several patients who were seemingly stable and doing fine on maybe a little extra oxygen through a nasal cannula suddenly start to desat (oxygen levels in the blood dropped) and by the time we were in the room, they had already stopped breathing. During the peak of it here, we would have at least 2-3 Code Blues and another 3-6 Rapid Responses called throughout the hospital each night. And what was so shitty is that often times despite you doing everything you knew how to do and everything that those more experienced knew how to do, you could not save them. They still deteriorated. They still died. This shit is very real and very serious and y'all need to stop pretending it's not.”

All of this is based off of data and actual observation from the front lines. This is not opinion. Nothing I said is incorrect. I don’t understand.

#long post

5 notes · View notes

tbhwhocaresanymore · 5 years

Text

Nancy Drew 1x10

SHE’S BACK BITCHES. DEAD LUCY IS BACK.

Ahem. Sorry, had to get that out of my system.

Okay so I finally had time to rewatch the new Nancy Drew ep and it is just as fantastic as the first time. When you look at it in comparison to episode one you can really see just how much the characters have grown, as individuals and especially as friends. Bess being very obviously in George’s office so she’s not alone with Ryan? Watching George go from hating Nancy’s guts to trying to break open a door with poison on the other side just to get her out? Nancy very resignedly saying to Claire “yeah but they don’t ever listen to me.” Beautiful. And Ace is back from his coma, and it sounds like Lara Tandy also soon will be. The writers are just juggling so many storylines with such a huge cast, and they are doing such a great job which is a nice change of pace from the other shows I watch.

This episode had some phenomenal jump scares, mostly involving Dead Lucy (my literal favorite character). When they entered the gym and the lights and buzzer switched on with no warning? I physically fell out of my chair. And the plot was really good too. It was written like a stand alone episode, but also in a way where it still tied into the overall plot. Nancy hanging all the ghost traps, mentions of her dad’s arrest and her arraignment, the Bonny Scot stuff. As for Claire being the murderer? The second Nancy started showing symptoms and not Claire I grew suspicious, but the plot twist was still wonderfully done, and Claire’s actress did an amazing job for only having like five minutes of lines. Also, Ace’s dad? Huge plus. He seems like a cool character and I am always down for deaf/ASL representation, and they did it so well.

I don’t trust that the Bess being a Marvin storyline is fully wrapped up, it could just go so many different ways. And for it to have been the point of like six episodes only to be wrapped up in thirty seconds? Maybe Bess is not really a Marvin and Owen is playing her to get her to help him with the Bonny Scot case because I still do not totally trust him. But I may be biased here, because the book fan in me is still rooting for her and George to turn out cousins somehow, and if she’s cousins with both George and the Marvins? That’s pushing the suspension of disbelief a little bit.

I also truly do not know where they’re trying to take Ryan Hudson’s character. Maybe going for some sort of morally grey character, or an anti-hero? He told Bess and Owen he wouldn’t help them but he also has an artifact that was clearly from Bonny Scot, and wants to get together with his dad. If I had to guess, and I love to guess, I’d say he’s planning to blackmail his family with it. Whether to just get out, or maybe get recompense for Lucy all those years ago, I don’t know. But I do love that George does not buy his bullshit.

Nancy did a really amazing job this episode. Seeing what her father’s arrest has done to her, how much it has taken away her confidence and made her question herself. I am very much looking forward to her coming out the other side of this stronger than ever. And she is honestly so brilliant. Realizing Claire must have taken an antidote and that it was the ring on her finger because one of the pearls was missing? Are you kidding me? And even though she’s dying, using her possible last breaths to try and find out if this is the woman who killed Tiffany. And then seeing Nancy Drew, badass, crooked cop catching, murder solving, take no prisoners Nancy Drew, asking for mercy, saying she doesn’t want to die, because after all she’s only 19 years old? Spectacular.

All the Nancy and Nick moments? I am officially deceased. When he was performing CPR, his voice cracking as he yelled “come on Nancy!” And then when she woke up and he gave this little sort of half-sob and just held her into him, saying “got you, I got you.” I am dead and these writers have killed me. Then at the end, when they were leaving, and Nick left and Nancy sort of turned around and rested her head against the door. The shipper in me was hoping they would get back together right then, but I also think it’s good that they didn’t. Nick broke up with her because he feels she just doesn't have room for him in her life, I think he’s going to stick with that for a while, regardless of his feelings for her. In the meantime, still pretty sure the writers will go in the Nick x George and Nancy x Owen direction, or maybe Nancy x Ace? This episode definitely showed off their chemistry.

Now I have to talk about this, you know I have to talk about this, I am so looking forward to talking about this.

DEAD LUCY.

As I said, she’s BACK. When Nancy was walking toward the light and you could just sort of see her standing up? Poetic cinema. The second I could sort of see her silhouette I was like “FUCK YES.” Nancy is literally about to die and she’s just like “not today” and screams her back to life. I have two possible reasons. This plays into my Nancy is Lucy’s daughter theory, or it could be that she knows Nancy is her best chance of her murderer getting brought to justice after almost 20 years. And then at the end of the episode, when the camera pans, I legit sat up straighter and leaned toward the tv, all ‘come on where is she’. And then she was there in the closet doorway and I felt so vindicated.

The one downside of having a cast full of amazing characters is I want all of them to be on screen all the time. (Except Owen and Ryan, they can go get married and move to Europe and be shady husbands only mentioned in passing and I would be fine with that.) Chief McGinnis, Lisbeth, Victoria who I am still waiting on, Ace’s dad, Lara Tandy. I want them all to come back.

A few final thoughts moving forward. Is Nancy ever going to get arraigned for breaking and entering? This happened all the way back in episode one or two, and it keeps getting mentioned. I mean at this point Dead Lucy better show up and kill the judge, like I need something important to happen at this thing. I am also now even more invested in my ‘Nancy’s mom killed Lucy’ theory. Her dad isn’t explaining any of the evidence against him away, and the only reason he would do that is to protect Nancy. Now either he is protecting her from the Hudsons, because they told her dad to take the fall and he knows they’ll hurt her if he doesn’t; or, he is protecting her from the knowledge that her mom is a murderer. And because I feel like we’re supposed to think the Hudsons killed Lucy, it makes me think the mom killed her. Speaking of Dead Lucy, I’m hoping there was a specific reason Simon threw her very far away, and it’s not just chalked up to ‘he’s evil’. Still hoping that George eventually becomes psychic like her mom.

Super excited for 1x11 the promo and summary look promising. I have no idea how Carson’s arrest relates to the Bonny Scot sinking, but I can’t wait to find out. And Dead Lucy will be present, which immediately improves any episode quality by five thousand percent. And the episode title, the Phantom of Bonny Scot, makes me think we might be getting another ghost. Fingers crossed.

#Nancy Drew #Nancy Drew cw #Nancy Drew 2019 #George Fan #Bess Marvin #Ned Nick Nickerson #Nancy x Nick #episode analysis #I analyze things #or try to #Dead Lucy #my theories #the mark of the poisoner's pearl

23 notes · View notes

siren-theories · 5 years

Text

The Siren Song

(ICYMI: Here is an index with the previously published analyses. My previous piece was “Repeating the past - Ben and Ryn as modern parallels to Charles Pownall and his mermaid?”)

The Siren Song is probably the most important part of the Sirens’ abilities besides their ability to transform from water into land forms. So let*s take a look at what the song is and what effects it has on humans.

TL, DR.: There is most likely not one Siren Song, but three different versions. These are differentiated by which frequencies in the song are accentuated. They all have different effects on the target of the song and also have an effect on the siren singing it.

A big thank you to @imaginejolls for allowing me to bounce ideas off them.

Common facts about the song

The song can only be sung by female Sirens as confirmed by Levi in Episode 212.

In Episode 211 “Mixed Signals” we get a direct look at what the song consists of, namely hundreds of frequencies and layers which the Sirens can produce with their vocal cords.

SCIENTIST: “One song composed of hundreds of frequencies and layers.” BEN: "This many layered frequencies from one voice. How is that possible?" SCIENTIST: “All different levels, polyphonics, amplitudes. I've never seen anything like it, not even from whales or dolphins.”

In a later scene in the same episode the range of those frequencies is revealed.

SCIENTISTt: Incredible. NICOLE: What? SCIENTIST: Most humans can hear frequencies between 20 hertz and 20.000. Sea creatures, like some dolphins, can hear frequencies of up to 100.000 hertz, while some whales can hear infrasonic sounds as low as seven hertz. The range of these frequencies, they're unlike anything I have ever seen.

The song works by stimulating the brain with the sonic frequencies, but causes Brain damage in humans.

(Damage from Ryn’s song to Maddie and Ben’s brain as seen in Episode 211 “Mixed signals”).

This damage is reversible by exposing the damaged brain to the sound of the echo chamber as shown in Episode 212 “Serenity”.

We see the effect of the frequencies on the human brain when Ben plays test subject for the military in Episode 211 “Mixed Signals”:

(Bens Brain under the effect of the full song. Notice how the whole brain is stimulated.)

By testing several of the layers on Ben and witnessing his reaction to this the military (and we, the audience) learn more about the song. While the song as a whole caused him to relax, some of the layers when played in isolation caused Ben immense stress, causing him to relieve his drowning in Episode 110 and Ryn attacking him in Episode 101.

(The Brain when only aggressive frequencies are played)

Had Ryn not stepped in it is quite possible he might even have suffered a brain hemorrhage right there in the lab.

RYN:: ”Ben is in pain! Stop this!”

I would therefore argue that the effect of the song on the person is likely dependant on what layers of the song are emphasized by the singer, thus explaining the different versions of the song and the different effects on humans that we see in the show.

However, there might also be a visual component to the song.

It is noticeable that every time Ryn sings - no matter what variant - the camera zooms in on her face and focuses especially on her eyes, suggesting there is an almost hypnotic pull associated with the song. Ryn also looks the target directly in the eyes at all times.

Episode 101: “The Mermaid Discovery”:

Episode 108: “Being Human” (note how far she looks up to maintain eye contact with Ben, suggesting this is a required element of the song):

Episode 203: “Natural Order”:

Episode 211: "Mixed Signals”:

Maddie for example clearly reacts to this visual element in Episode 203 “Natural Order” even though she cannot hear the song. Maybe the missing visual element is what makes the recorded version of the song somewhat less stronger than the live version.

Throughout the show three motivations of singing the song are depicted (with different singing techniques and effects). I have classed the different versions of the song according to the motivations of the mermaid singing. - the defensive, the curiosity and the love variant.

The defensive variant of the Siren song

The Defensive variant is the strongest version of the song and the one most detrimental to the human target(s). It is the first song we see in the show.

I would posit that the defensive variant consists of the siren emphatizing the most "harmful" layers of the song.

It is the only version of the Siren Song that has an area affect and can target more than one human. It does not require visual contact between the target and the siren (unlike all other variants).

Donna first demonstrated this when she sang to the North Star crew from inside the hold of said ship in Episode 101 “The Mermaid Discovery”. Even with multiple layers of steel seperating her from Xander&Co the song was strong enough to lure them from the inside of the ship to the deck. She even nearly caused Xander to lift the hold cover and freeing her, an action that was only stopped by the timely arrival of the US military.

(notice their similar body posture, signifying them being under the thrall of the Siren)

Donna later used the defensive song on Chris in Episode 107 “Dead in the water”, using it to lure Chris towards her.

The effects are profound - despite Calvin's pleading, Chris drops his speargun and starts walking towards certain death.

In Episode 211, no longer in control of herself due to stress hormones taking over, Ryn reverts to her basic predator instincts and views Maddie no longer as her mate but as a tasty snack.

(when your lover looks at you and thinks “literally yummy”)

When Maddie points a gun towards her, Ryn starts using the defensive variant against Maddie, rendering her into a cataconic state.

(It is worth noting that Ryns hormone imbalance even caused her pupils to widen. At first I thought this was due to the song but as @imaginejolls pointed out they were like that even in the previous episode.)

The defensive version of the song has the most detrimental effect on humans out of all three versions. As we see by the examples of Chris and Maddie it is strong enough to render a human completely enthralled and defenseless. Both Maddie and Chris drop their weapons and walk towards certain death.

If left untreated, single exposure to the song can be strong enough to destroy a Human's brain to the point that the memories are affected.

Chris for example was exposed to the full defensive song only once. When first we see him in Episode 207 after an abscence of about a month he is a human wreck, barely coherent and all he can think about is the song. After another month or so (don't @ me on this, the timeline in the later half of Siren Season 2 is confusing and weird as @imaginejolls covered in their post) the situation has gotten so bad that he does not even remember his friends in Episode 214 “The Last Mermaid”.

Chris’ situation has by that time deteriorated to the point that his brain is almost completely covered with lesions.

KYLE: "His EEG showed disturbing changes from that song. It was devouring his frontal cortex."

Maddie does not suffer quite the same effects in Episode 211. However, she - unlike Chris - immediately manifests symptoms. Considering that Chris acted normally at least for one or two days after exposure and Maddie immediately saw visions and lost impulse control. This leaves us with three possible explanations for this difference:

1) Maddie experienced an immediate effect because she had already heard a recording of the "love" version of the song 2) Ryn is a stronger singer than Donna. Which might be the case considering that Ryn is stronger than the other sirens in other physical aspects on the show as well,, most notably being the fastest (Episode 103) and strongest of the Sirens (Episode 109 and 203). 3) The strength of the song might vary according to how much stress the Siren is under. As Ryn was probably "maxed out" on stress hormones and adrenalin her song might have become stronger as well

Without more information it is impossible to figure out which one of the above explanations is true, it might even be a combination of those. Based on the arguments below however I would lean towards explanation C.

Maddie’s symptoms - visions and immediate lack of impulse control - were stronger than Ben’s in Episode 109 “Street fight” and Episode 110 “Aftermath”. Ben touched Ryn a lot but it did not develop into something sexual whereas Maddie would have kissed Xander had he not stopped her and kisses both Ryn and Ben later on. It took two full days for Ben to see visions when awake (unlike Maddie who experienced visions the day after). Maddie also experienced two different visions immediately after each other with only a few minutes between them, the second resulting in quite probably the most memorable dinner scene in a TV show from recent memory.

youtube

This again speaks to the defensive variant being the strongest and most harmful one.

The defensive version also impacts the Siren singing it, however besides reducing the effect of stress hormones (as with Ryn in episode 211) we do not know of any other effects.

So, to recap:

- the defensive version has an area effect and can be sung without visual contact with the target - its effect can reach the target even through multiple layers of steel - single exposure can destroy a brain within 2 months if left untreated - the effects on the victim seems double that of the love version in intensity

The curiosity variant of the song

On the other end of the spectrum is the curiosity version, which is the lleast impactful on the human.

RYN: "The first time I sang, I am curious about you. It brings us close" BEN: "It did"

(dialogue from Episode 110: Aftermath)

Curiosity is maybe the weakest category with only one observed instance. Yet I would argue that the possibility exists that the Siren can change the intensity of the song according to the motivation. And this definitely seems a version that has almost zero impact on the human target.

Ben first meets Ryn when she steps in front of his car. His behaviour here is important to note for it establishes a baseline for later comparisons. In this instance he behaves how any decent person would behave when a vulnerable, naked and scared person collapses in front of them.

youtube

(The scene starts at 00:50, here is a timestap link for you. )

When Ben first meets Ryn he immediately covers her up without even giving her naked body a once-over. He then calls a doctor, clothes her and when she wakes up he gives her plenty of personal space. She then sings to him.

youtube

His behaviour after Ryn sings to him and they meet again mirrors his earlier decent behaviour. Ryn, who had earlier been the victim of an attempted rape, is at this point naturally distrustful of human males who tower over her. She hisses at him in multiple short, panicked breaths. Ben immediately adopts a non-threatening pose, lowering himself so that Ryn has the height advantage. He does not touch Ryn without her permission.

“It’s okay...I’m not gonna hurt you. My name is Ben.”

Likewise his behaviour in the following episodes is unaffected, especially when Ryn moves to kiss him in 103 and he declines said kiss despite there being a clear attraction.

All of this speaks to somebody who is in full control of his actions and whose judgement is unaffected. The only thing out of the ordinary would be his night-time trips on the water between Episode 104 and 105 and not being able to sleep for a few nights.

The song does create some sort of addiction - albeit one that a human can control rather easily. Ben was fine for over a month and a half until the unique stress situation of Sean’s death, Decker messing with his mother and him having insulted Ryn arises, which causes him to request Ryn to sing to him again.

Therefore I would argue that given the overall direct lack of effect on Ben I would classify this as the least harmful and least impactful version of the song.

To recap:

- the curiosity version does not change the behaviour of the target - it causes a slight addiction but overall is the least impactful variant of the Siren Song.

The Love variant of the Song

The love version is different from the defensive version in that it does not render the target cataconic but causes strong feelings in the target which mainly manifest in an intense need to protect the Siren. It is by far the variant which we know the most about.

1. The Love variant needs direct visual contact and close proximity

One requirement for its usage is that unlike the defensive variant it needs direct visual contact and close proximity as confirmed by Ryn in Episode 203 “Natural Order” when our trio runs into a slight problem recording Ryn’s song.

RYN: “Ben will be safe when I sing?" BEN: "Uh, we're not gonna be in here. We're gonna set it to record, and then we're gonna leave the room. RYN: If you leave, who do I sing to? MADDIE: The Machine. It captures sound. RYN: Song only comes when I sing to a human.

This also confirms there are different versions of the song - because otherwise Ryn could start singing despite them being in another room (as Donna did with the North Star Crew in Episode 101 “The Mermaid Discovery”)

[Speculation: This version might also need some sort of existing feeling to function (with Decker it was his scientific curiosity and sympathy for the suffering Donna, with Ben it was his developing feelings for Ryn).]

This version is used multiple times in the show:

Ryn used this variant on Ben in Episode 108 after he requested that she sing to him. It is this instance which cause the most lasting damage and which will be the focus of the analysis from here on.

Also, recordings of the song are used by Decker throughout Season 1, Ben in Episode 204 “Oil and Water”, Ben in the time period between 208 “Leverage” and 209 “No North Star”, Maddie and Ben in 209, by the military on Ben in 211 “Mixed Signals” and again by Ben in 214 “The last mermaid”.

Donna used this variant on Decker to get him to stop experiments on her and thus allow her to recover enough of her strength to survive.

[Sidenote: The version Donna used on Decker could not have been the defensive version as Decker did not become entranced and did not adopt the typical body posture that Maddie, Xander, Chris etc. did. Decker also was the only one affected.]

What are its effects on humans and how does it differ from the other two versions already covered in this article?

2. The love variant causes addiction in Humans

This can be as strong as driving somebody to suicide in case the human loses permanent access to the song. Decker was the poster child for this. Likewise, Ben struggles with addiction to this version of the song and unlike his previous exposure (with the milder curiosity version) he cannot control it even without extenuating circumstances in Episode 203/204.

3. The love variant affects how humans feel about the Siren

The song affects the humans feelings, but it cannot cause genuine love between Human and Siren as Ryn explains multiple times.

A snake and our favourite mermaid discussing the effect of the song on the relationship in Episode 211: “Mixed Signals” :

Nicole: Ben and Maddie are very close to you. Very protective of you. Does your song have anything to do with that? Ryn: Not just song. With Ben and Maddie, it is more. Nicole: More? Ryn: Yes. Ryn loves Ben and Maddie. Ryn makes love with Ben and Maddie.

This of course echoes earlier conversations Ryn had with Ben, for example in Episode 202 “The Wolf At The Door” and 204 “Oil and Water”.

BEN: It’s not just the song. It’s more. RYN: “Yes. More.”

Which to be fair makes sense - after all in real life drugs exist that can cause other people to behave a certain way but those are not genuine, lasting feelings as Maddie and Ben develop for Ryn (and vice versa).

However, while the song apparently cannot create lasting feelings of love it can have several other effects on the human target. Let us review those effects on the human by looking at its effects on a specific person, namely Ben.

4. The love variant of the song causes lowered impulse control and lowers the inhibitions of the target

In Episode 108 Ryn asks Ben to sing to him.

BEN: “Will you sing to me? Again?”

The effects are immediate. In Episode 109 Ben has nightmares about Ryn having sex with him, then attacking him and drowning him.

(Whelp, that dream escalated quickly.)

[A caveat: It is not exactly clear whether this is a normal nightmare due to his past experiences and conflicting feelings about Ryn. I would imagine falling in love with someone who tried to literally eat you would cause some weird nightmares in any case. But I would classify it as another effect of the song based on how he acts the rest of the episode.]

We see an immediate effect the next morning when Ben is completely fixated on Ryn. And what we can see over the course of Episode 109 are definitely changes in behaviour.

The first one are lowered inhibitions and lowered impulse control as Ben constantly touches Ryn. Ben previously did not mind Ryn touching him and he definitely reacted to that kiss in Episode 106 but in all those cases Ryn was the one initiating contact. Here, over the whole episode Ben constantly seeks to be close to Ryn, touching her as often as he can.

The touching is light - nothing sexual, just touching her back or holding hands. However this is definitely not normal behaviour for Ben.Donna immediately notices this and tries to step in to protect her little sister, only to be told by Ryn that she does not mind (and might even want the touch).

RYN: "It's okay. Ben is love." DONNA: "Love?" RYN: "Yes.

Honestly I am not sure how to classify the physical touch here. I would argue that it is more troubling for Sirens than it is for Humans to have people in their personal space (cf, Ryn hissing at and later attacking Helen in Episode 102 just for coming near her). But while it might only be slight touching it definitely is a departure from how Ben normally acted around Ryn before this episode. I don’t think he would have enough self-control to resist a kiss from her in this state as he previously did in Episode 103.

Even more troubling than the touching however is way the song changes Ben Judgement.

5. The love variant of the song alters the judgement of the human target, creating an intense need to protect the siren

It is hard to describe but it seems as if the song gradually rearranges his priorities, resulting in an intense need to protect Ryn. See for example the following discussion in Episode 109 “Street Fight”:

BEN: "They're after Ryn, Maddie. And Donna, too. They want to kill them. MADDIE: "Maybe you should take them somewhere?" BEN: "Where?" MADDIE: "I don't know. Somewhere out of here." BEN: "And if we get them away, what then? Those two are still here. We let them murder people, destroy the town? These two are dangerous. They're the ones who killed Sean. We need to keep Ryn safe. Whatever it takes. MADDIE: I'm here with my dad, I am gonna talk to him. Get the police involved. That's what makes sense here. You guys just wait. Nobody's hurting anyone".

To be fair to Ben, none of what he says is illogical or even a bad idea. He clearly wants to protect the town and other humans too. However it is the "Whatever it takes" part that signals his impaired judgement. Yet Ben still tries to follow Maddie's advice and tries to calm Ryn down when she gets tired of waiting, only to be interrupted by Xander. The following conversation reveales how much his judgement has shifted by that point:

XANDER : “Aw come on man. All I'm asking is to go after the thing that killed my dad. You could at least pretend to give a damn. “ BEN : “Of course I give--"

It is at this point when Ryn interrupts.

RYN: Maybe this is what we need to do. What Xander says. Maybe this is the only way. DONNA: Yes BEN: Ryn, you sure about this? RYN: *to Xander* We will help you find him. XANDER You down with this? BEN: Yeah.

Ben previously would have trusted Maddie's judgement more than Ryn. He would not agree to a plan that involves violence as the only tool, especially not with Xander who cannot think straight at this point. Remember this is the same person that rejects a life in luxury to save unintelligent sea life - and suddenly he is ok with killing two Sirens?

Again, to be fair as the events showed Ryn’s plan was sound as she was able to defeat Katrina. But the Ben before 109 would not have just gone along with Ryn and certainly would not have agreed to let Xander tag along. At the very least he would have informed Maddie about it.

Ben's changed priorities due to the song are even more evident wen talking to Maddie later on. Here Ben flat out accuses Maddie to not caring about Ryn because Maddie wants to call in more cops to help with the Mermaids. It is quite clear that the only thing on Bens mind at that point is to protect Ryn, something Maddie accurately calls out as his judgement being totally screwed up.

(I have to confess that I kinda wanted Maddie to slap him at that point.)

BEN: "If we call the cops now there's no way we will ever contain that thing" MADDIE: "It's already out of control. We have no choice." BEN: "Okay, and what happens if the cops find Ryn? What happens then? Look we can solve this on our own. We can protect her." MADDIE: "No, we can't. It's too late. What is going on with you? Your judgement is totally screwed up." BEN: "Don't you care about her?" MADDIE: "Of course I do. Of course I do. You're the one putting her in danger, going out with Xander like some crazed vigilante. You're acting insane." BEN: "*grabs shotgun* "Yeah." MADDIE: "Hey. Where the hell are you going?" BEN: "To help Ryn."

So what we see here is a gradual shift in priorities until it arrives at the point when he completely prioritizes Ryn over his girlfriend Maddie and where nothing else matters except protecting Ryn.

6. The love variant of the song can cause dangerous (and sometimes helpful) visions

Ben’s condition deteriorates in Episode 110 “Aftermath” to the point where he has a vision of Ryn being in danger. He dives into the water and would have drowned himself if Ryn had not arrived in time to save him.

(probably the closest to the original siren song mythology we got to in the show - thankfully Ryn did no longer see him as a foud source in her water form though)

BEN: “What were you doing down there?” RYN: “I came to help you” BEN: “No, before that. I-I heard your voice. That's why I went down there. You were there, right?” RYN: “No.“ BEN: “No, I - I heard you. I know I heard you. You were there.” RYN: “Ben, I wasn't there.” BEN: “What does this mean?” RYN: “I didn't know my song could do this.”

In episode 201, which takes place three days after 110, Ben loses his footing after hearing Ryn's voice in his head when rock climbing.

In episode 203 the Song appears in his head again when Ryn is in mortal danger as she fights Katrina for leadership of the merpack.

This causes Ben to launch another futile attempt to protect Ryn.

In Episode 214 “The Last Mermaid” Ben listens to a recording of the song again as the sudden relevation of him being a Pownall causes Ryn to almost break up with him. While Ben is very protective of Ryn throughout the episode it is unclear if it is being caused by his normal feelings for her or by the song (I am leaning towards the former).

However, the intense vision he experienced during the night was definitely not caused by his normal feelings for Ryn.

The horror vision he experiences shows a dark version of him injuring Ryn with a harpoon, causing Ben to try to attack the dark version of him and then being extremely distraught at the sight of an injured vision-Ryn.

However the vision in itself has more positive than negative effects on Ben - and especially on his relationship with Ryn. He realizes he loves even her nonhuman traits and even in nonhuman water form. As soon as he and Ryn reconcile, he suffers from no more visions and experiences no changes in his behaviour.

However there are multiple, long stretches of time where Ben suffers no visions at all and no impact from the song manifests in his behaviour. In episode 202 he is not affected by the song at all, nor is he affected in any other episodes of Season 2 besides episodes 203 and episodes 214.

Curiously this even includes episodes where he and Maddie are exposed to the song multiple times. In Episode 204 Ben hears a recording of the song with no effects.

In episode 209 Ben and Maddie both listen to Ryn's song yet it does not modify their behaviour. If anything it restores them to their normal behaviour as listening to the song lessens the effect of them missing Ryn.

In Episode 211 Ben listens to the whole song and then is bombarded sveral times with the aggressive layers of the song. The attack on his brain is so bad that he would have likely taken permanent damage had Ryn not stepped in.

(Note that this is the only time a human is shown in pain when listening to any variant of the song. This signifies just how intense the bombardement of his brain is.)

The question immediately arises - why does the song cause such different effects at different times? Wy does Ben experience effects from a recording of the song in Episode 214 but suffers no effect in episodes 204, 209 and 211 - and suffers no effect after being bombarded with the aggressive layers? Why does the song cause Ben to try to protect Ryn in 203 but he has no issue with Ryn risking her life in 208?

Ben can get blasted by the song multiple times in a row - even the harmful layers of the song - in Episode 211 and nothing happens to him. No vision, no change in behaviour, nothing. If the scenes did not show his exposure to the song you would believe nothing had happened at all by his behaviour in this episode.

Was Ben maybe building up a tolerance to the song and getting the cure in 212 removed that tolerance buildup? That is one possible explanation for the experience in 214 but not a very convincing one for the different reactions before - especially not why Maddie did not suffer visions in 209 even though she had no such tolerance at all.

7. The love variant of the song might have a feedback loop

The other possible explanation is that the effects of the song vary according to the stress levels the human is under at that point. Yet subscribing to that theory would effectively mean that Ben would be under less stress when Maddie is in danger of permanent brain damage (as in 211) than when Ryn is in danger. This argument leads down a very dark path for what it implies in terms of the relationship between Ben, Ryn and Maddie, one that I am not prepared to follow as I see no basis for assuming that Ben cares much less about Maddie than about Ryn.

The theory I would favour instead would be a feedback loop, aka the need to protect or to help the siren causing the human brain to go haywire whenever the human notices the Siren is disstressed or in danger.

Which might explain why Ben suffers a vision in 110 (with Ryn being deeply affected by Donna's death) and in 203 when Ryn herself is in mortal danger as she fights with Katrina (note how the vision happens only after Katrina seems to gain the upper hand).

In contrast Ben might suffer no vision in 209 and 211 (not even from the aggressive layers) because he can see that Ryn is safe and well.

Note how in 211 he spends the entire episode by her side and keeps constant visual contact with her. However in 214 Ryn is clearly in disstress over the mating situation and the Pownall situation, maybe the most stress we ever see her under in the entire show. Ben fears losing her while Ryn tells him that she fears him going bad like his ancestor - the exact situation the vision depicts.

This would also explain why in Episode 109 Ben initially still follows Maddie's advice and only gets more and more irrational as Ryn starts getting more and more stressed out by waiting, something Ryn voices her displeasure at and something that Ben clearly notices as he tries to calm her.

And a feedback loop of that sort would also neatly explain why - despite still exposing himself to the recording of the song - Ben’s visions disappear after Ryn is safe and/or in a relationship with him and Maddie (Episodes 208-214 and then again 215-216). It also explains wihy he has no visions in Episode 202 when Ryn is around him all the time and why the visions only reappear in 203 (when Ryn is in actual danger) or in 201 (when Ryn and he have split up).

[Speculation: If we assume that the love variant evolved due to Siren-human relationships then - if we assume a feedback loop - we would also have an evolutionary reason for the song to exist in the first place. ]

I fully admit that this is a theory that is only supported by observation and not direct evidence. However it is the only satisfying theory I can think of right now that explains the different reactions to exposure of the song.

8. Singing the love variant is not something a Siren does lightly

Unlike the defensive variant which is regularly used in fights against humans, it is quite clear that the love version is not sung lightly by the Siren. Part of that might be some residual cultural barrier, maybe a holdover from the times the sirens and humans lived on land.

We hear the motivation for a Siren singing the love variant expressed clearly by Ryn in Episode 110, when Aldon Decker tries to convince Donna to sing to him again.

DECKER: "You sang a song to me before. Could you do it again? Your voice is so beautiful." RYN: *looks shocked* DONNA: *twists away from decker* HELEN: "You need to leave!" DECKER: "I just need to hear it once." RYN: “She sang to you to escape from you, not because she loves you." DECKER: "But -" RYN: "She will not do it again."

I really wish I had managed to find a video capture of this scene so I could show you just how shocked Ryn is at hearing this.

Donna meanwhile twists her whole body as far away from Decker as possible despite being in considerate pain.

Donna's reaction to Decker annnouncing the fact and Ryns immediate protectiveness suggests that what Donna did was out of the ordinary. I for one could not help but notice the reaction was similar to movie portrayals of victims of rape or forced prostitution. Take note that Donna initially kept that she sang to Decker from Ryn (she never mentions it in 106 when discussing what Decker did to her) and Ryn is absolutely crestfallen when she hears Decker mentioning this.

It might very well be that singing this love version of the song is one of the most intimate things a Siren can do with a human, one that is ordinarily reserved for people they love. Which again would make sense for the time Siren and human tribes lived together on land as limiting the usage there would serve to protect both humans and sirens.

9. The love variant creates an addiction in the Siren singing it

One simple reason for this song having this special status is the effect it has on the Siren singing it. Much as in the human hearing the song, singing the song also creates an addiction on part of the Siren singing it.

Ryn describes this in episode 203 “Natural Oder”:

MADDIE: "What does it feel like when you sing?" RYN: "Makes me feel good. After I sing to Ben..." MADDIE: "What is it?" RYN: “I need it. I want to sing.”

This is a direct parallel to Ben's explanation how he felt when Ryn sang to him. From Episode 106: "Showdown":

MADDIE: "What did it feel like?" BEN: "Honestly, like a drug. I can't explain it. It's like something I need".

Ryn echoes this in Episode 204 “Oil and Water” when she tells Ben about this while they dance with each other and discuss their relationship.

BEN: You said that, uh, that you have dreams about me. I've had dreams about you too. RYN: Maybe something Ben must know. BEN: What? RYN: You say when I sing my song, you like how it feels. BEN: Yeah. RYN: When I sing to you, I like it, too.

[Sidenote: Geez Ryn cannot keep a secret when it comes to Ben and Maddie. Here she goes telling Ben despite promising just two or three days before that she would keep it a secret. I present to you Ryn Fisher, Queen of the Sirens, Slayer of Big Oil, Keeper of Secrets. I get why she told him as they needed to address it before moving onto the next stage of their relationship but still, nice going there Ryn.]

Therefore, not only does the Human become addicted to the Song, the Siren also becomes addicted singing to that Human. .

[Wild speculation: It might also be that the song originally worked as a link to guarantee the stability of a relationship between humans and sirens in order to protect the Siren. Given the difficulties a relationship between humans and sirens brings with it there needs to be absolute commitment to the relationship for both parties. Which might be the evolutionary reason for the song. Biologically evolution has attached pleasure to things that are necessary for a relationship (like for example sex) and this might be the case here too.]

In closing, I would summarize the capabilities and features of the Love Variant thusly:

- Unlike the defense variant the love variant needs direct visual contact and close proximity to the target. - The love variant creates pleasant sensations for the human target and causes an addiction - It affects how humans feel about the Sirens but cannot create genuine feelings - The song causes lowered impulse control and lowes the inhibitions of the target - It alters the judgement of the human target, creating an intense need to protect the siren - The love variant of the song can cause dangerous (and sometimes helpful) visions - It might have a feedback loop, causing the human to get more visions and act more erratic according to the level of stress and danger the Siren herself experiences. However as long as the human sees the Siren is safe and in no danger the effects are minimal to non-existent. - Singing the love variant of the song is not something a siren does lightly. It is usually done only for people the siren cares deeply about. - The song creates an addiction to sing for the Siren - The Siren experiences pleasant sensations when singing the song - It might originally have been used to guarantee the success of the relationship between Siren and human.

Thank you for reading. As always, feel free to disagree or offer additional info in the comments.

#siren freeform #freeform siren #ryn #polymarine #siren song #analysis #long post

70 notes · View notes

empaths-hsp · 4 years

Text

How to Deal With Emotional Flooding in the Workplace

If you ever feel like you’re drowning in your emotions, you’re not alone.

It happened again. I was in an online team meeting discussing a project idea I’d put forward. Although a fairly new team (born through Covid-19), we’d built a good degree of trust between us, and it had been a typical meeting, similar to one we’ve had each week for the past two months.

However, it was not typical for long. After initially framing up my idea and questions in my open and honest style, my colleagues started offering their own interpretation of the project idea — different applications and perspectives. I felt the conversation had traveled in a different direction and I got lost. I sat back and wondered, What are they talking about? Did they not hear me?

With the three of them firing off ideas and questions, it felt like we were speaking different languages. As a highly sensitive person (HSP) — someone who’s a deep thinker and more aware of subtleties, but also someone who’s prone to getting easily overwhelmed — it all suddenly collapsed.

I had made the mistake of not hiding self-view on Zoom (I usually hide myself), and I could see my face redden and my eyes narrow. Literally. It was strange. My heart was racing, my chest felt heavy, my throat tight, and my eyes watered. Then I went blank.

I couldn’t figure out what I thought and had absolutely no way of articulating words. My survival brain had taken over and my thinking brain had shut down. When they asked me for my thoughts, I could not respond. I could hardly talk, let alone have anything remotely intelligent to say.

I was experiencing emotional flooding — I could literally feel the flood of my emotions drowning me. I was embarrassed, too, which created a ghastly doubling-down effect. Science has shown that emotions hit HSPs harder, but this was new to me.

“Fight-or-flight” kicked in next. At least I knew it and hoped that “flight” would be enough of a circuit breaker. Still drowning in my emotions and unable to speak, I put my hands in the time-out position as though I were playing basketball and needed a moment to catch my breath. The latter was true. I weakly uttered “five minutes,” left the meeting, and went to the bathroom and cried.

Has this ever happened to you, too?

Signs of Emotional Flooding

Even though I’m a professionally credentialed coach (ICF) with almost two decades of experience working with executive and HSP clients, my flood of emotions was so overwhelming that I began to research the term “emotionally flooded” more.

Symptoms can include:

A flood of stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol)

A flight/flight/freeze response (we want to run, get aggressive, or we go numb)

Increased heart rate (over 90-100 beats per minute) and rapid or shallow breathing

Chest tightness

Sweating

Flushed face

Narrowing of eyes (tunnel vision, looking for an escape)

Throat constriction

Severely diminished ability to think or speak clearly

Heightened anxiety

Stomach churning

Psychologist John Gottman explains that the difference between flooding and other more manageable emotional reactions, such as an amygdala hijack, is one of magnitude. It’s overwhelming.

That’s how it felt for me, too. I could literally do nothing: I couldn’t speak and couldn’t think about anything other than getting out. I tried the five-finger exercise — a simple breathing technique where you trace your fingers — to help quell my breathing, but it was hard to move my fingers and challenging to breathe regularly or deeply. As researcher Elizabeth A. Stanley, PhD would say: My “thinking brain” had shut down and my “survival brain” had taken over.

What Triggers Emotional Flooding and Why It May Affect HSPs More Than Non-HSPs

Daniel Goleman, arguably the kingpin of emotional intelligence, found that the five most typical triggers of an amygdala hijack in the workplace are:

lack of respect

unfair treatment

being unappreciated

not being heard

unrealistic deadlines

In general terms, we feel triggered when we sense that something is threatening. In today’s world, those threats are often not physical threats, but social threats which impact our “social brain.” So, on my Zoom call, you can see how some of these triggers triggered me, like not feeling heard or appreciated.

In addition to the five factors listed above, triggers may also include things like rejection, not feeling seen, and feeling of lesser status. And, as an HSP, all this means that I’m likely more susceptible to heightened emotions and overwhelm than non-HSPs.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Subscribe here.

What You Can Do to Support Yourself When You Feel Emotionally Flooded

When you feel emotionally flooded as an HSP, there are many practical tools you can draw on to support yourself, both in the moment and afterwards.

In the moment:

Notice it’s happening. This seems so simple, but it’s difficult to be fully aware of when your emotions are high.

Give yourself permission to exit; if you can’t talk, use a time-out hand signal like i did. Then, walk away and give yourself a break.

If you can’t leave the situation, give yourself permission to be still and quiet. Tell yourself: It’s OK. I know it feels embarrassing, but the surprising reality is that other people are usually not thinking as badly of us as we imagine (and they probably aren’t as uncomfortable as we imagine).

Immediately afterwards:

Take a deep breath, which will calm your parasympathetic nervous system. Breathing is the only thing we can do to physically tell our bodies that we aren’t literally under threat. There is no lion chasing us — everything is alright.

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe; if that’s true for you, consider using a grounding exercise, such as the MMFT® Contact Points Exercise, Mindfulness-based Mind Fitness Training, which aims to increase psychological resilience or “mental armor.” It does so by strengthening mindfulness through exercises like focused attention on the breath and mindful movement.

About 20-30 minutes later:

Once you have calmed down a bit, if you can, go back to the people you’d been in the meeting with and let them know you are OK. You can do this by talking to them directly or via email to explain what happened so they don’t make any assumptions.

For example, you can say something as simple as: I felt overwhelming emotions earlier, but it’s a great learning opportunity for me personally, and perhaps for our relationship professionally, and I would very much appreciate exploring this with you in the next couple of days.

Until then, you can try some of the introspective ideas below.

Over the following few days:

You then have a few days to analyze your emotions, and here are a few tactics that worked for me after my Zoom experience.

Journaling is a great self-care exercise for HSPs, so I’d recommend writing about your experience. Externalizing your thoughts like this is an excellent way to vent frustrations, release energy, and clarify thoughts.

Talk to someone you trust and feel safe with, whether that means picking up the phone or joining a Facebook group.

Build your skills in self-compassion and mindfulness. These two skills alone are like super powers, I’m not kidding. Mindfulness apps some of my clients appreciate include: Headspace, Smiling Mind, Calm, and Insight Timer.

Take a “Balcony View,” which is a metaphor for taking an observer’s perspective on yourself and your life. Imagine your life as a dance floor. You are a dancer, moving with the music, with others around you. One day, you notice a stairwell and walk up the stairs and out onto a balcony that overlooks the dance floor and you can see yourself on it. Play with using this perspective when you are journaling and discussing with others. They’ll probably be impressed! This is a powerful tool for self and team development.

Just keep in mind that growth requires the willingness to face uncomfortable situations. It takes courage to be honest and vulnerable and discuss the situation that happened, but it’s worth it. You are worth it.

How My ‘Flooding’ Experience Worked Out

As embarrassing and uncomfortable as it was at the time, my “flooding” experience turned out positively — I did many of the ideas above and was able to make more sense of things. My colleagues and I even had a “Balcony Session” and I’m happy to say it’s made us a stronger and even more purpose-driven team.

I’m also recognizing that it’s been a big year for many of us (actually, a tiring few years for me). I’m reaffirming my work and what’s important while also dialing back the self-pressure just a notch.

Just know that when you’re feeling emotionally flooded, at work or otherwise, it’s OK to take a time-out and just do you. Afterwards, you’ll come back more cognizant and refreshed, which will not only benefit you, but those around you.

If this article helped you, you might like the author’s website — and the coaching services she offers specifically for highly sensitive people. Learn more at Joanne Ostler Coaching.