#like seriously do any of you know how transplants work at all

[headspace-hotel]

i'm...thinking about writing a book?

I mean. I feel really silly at the thought because i'm not like a scientist or anything, i'm barely at the beginning of my knowledge journey, but...being a writer was what I always wanted to do. It's what I've been doing ever since I could remember. And I'm constantly, constantly just so full of things that I want to tell the whole world. I will have a realization or idea and think, oh my god. Everyone needs to know this. But I can't tell everyone. I'm not good at talking.

I'm good at writing. But I will sit down to write a post on my silly little blog and get so overwhelmed by the SCALE of everything I want to say.

I think I've already started to write a book. I think the space for these ideas to fill is already the size of a book and it will never have any smaller of a size, and no one else will come along to write the book, and no one else CAN write the book, and IT HAS TO BE WRITTEN.

I want to write about the ways of the plants, of course. I want to teach how to transplant and how to gather seeds and the properties of keystone species...but more importantly, I want to write about how to learn the ways of the plants. I want to promote the habit of insatiable curiosity and intense observation. I want to show everyone that everything everywhere is infinitely interesting and mysterious, and if you pay attention to the plants, they will teach you.

I want to write about Symbiosis. I want to write about how we are connected to every other thing, how we have our own ecological niche as Caretakers, and our own special adaptations of curiosity and love. I want to write about how the ecosystem needs us to participate in it, not to cut ourselves off from it, and how our powerful influence on ecosystems can be for good or for bad. We are not a disease. We are a Keystone Species.

I want to discourage this Euro-centric idea that sees humans as separate, and recommend more reading from indigenous points of view that understands ecosystems better and sees humans as participants in nature, engaging in a reciprocal symbiotic relationship. I want to speak against all this talk about removing humans from half of the Earth or reducing the human population, and show other people that despair and fear make you paralyzed and powerless, but hope is powerful.

The most important and powerful thing you can do for your ecosystem is to love it. It is necessary to have hope for the future—to learn to imagine a future of restoration and renewal, and to build community with other people working toward that future.

If we don't imagine a future for our ecosystems, imagine them boldly and audaciously in ways that feel crazy and impossible, those futures will not happen. But just the act of saying, "This WILL happen. We WILL be okay." gives you the strength and energy to fight and it gives you the creativity to come up with solutions you never could have thought of before.

And I feel I have to explain, how did I end up listening to plants? And how did the teachings become so important that I had to write about them? There's this black, swallowing abyss underpinning all of who I am, some intimation of a reality so terrible the human spirit breaks beneath it. I had a mental health crisis back in 2021 where I was pulled deep into that abyss, and when I started rescuing little plants and caring for them, I was basically re-learning how to be human.

I feel like I was seeking answers to "How am I supposed to live in this world?" in the natural world because the human world of poetry and books and articles and think-pieces had utterly failed me in that regard. I had taken multiple poetry classes where I had read all the best contemporary poems, and all the poets just wrote flat, plodding, blunt descriptions of their trauma and despair. Nothing is wrong with these topics, but the worst part was how these authors didn't even take themselves seriously; they had to be detached and ironic about their own pain, like a snarky dystopian novel hero who jokes casually about the horrific reality they live in so the reader knows that this reality is normal and unremarkable to them—and even more importantly, that the hero is ironic and cool instead of responding in a vulnerable, human way.

And speaking of dystopian novels...there were a lot of those! It was like all the visions of the future I had read were dystopian. Even I had been writing a dystopian novel. But I realized that I wasn't wise enough to tell that story yet. I didn't know why at first. But then, as I was reading everything people were writing about climate change, I began to realize.

I saw a lot of patterns between the way people wrote about climate change and the tendencies of self-harm and self-defeat that gnawed inside me. Suicide was something that I had never struggled against, but I understood that suicide was only the most striking manifestation of a self-annihilating way. Sometimes you feel like by hurting yourself, you are being transgressive, exercising autonomy against an absolute, crushing reality. It doesn't have to be physical hurt; it can just be deciding no one will like you and denying yourself love, or thinking "Well, there's no use hoping for anything good to happen."

This is how people talk about climate change. They fantasize about extreme, horrific scenarios and talk as if the Earth is already dead and destroyed, and they talk about humans hatefully and as if they were a disease, and then congratulate themselves for seeing how bad it REALLY is instead of being in denial. It is easy for people to get attached to this and even get mad when someone suggests there might be hope, simply because self-harm can be very psychologically reinforcing.

It is common to call these responses "climate grief." But as I came into this very simple and quiet yet profound encounter with Nature, she had an answer to this philosophy that was perfectly gentle and placid and yet caustic enough to strip paint:

"HOW CAN YOU WISH FOR THE STRENGTH TO GRIEVE THE EARTH, WHEN YOU WERE NEVER STRONG ENOUGH TO LOVE IT?"

I realized, with a breaking heart, that I had always hated and resented my back yard and my home town, because it was an ugly place that seemed to me "Already destroyed," and my soul ached for woods and wilderness.

It had taken me 20 years to fully admit my love of nature, because I felt like there was no point in acting upon it—everything would get destroyed anyway.

I had not been brave enough to love the woods across the road, the creeks and the hills, because they were so fragile in a world that didn't respect them, they could be destroyed by some housing development at any time. So I just accepted that it was already a lost cause.

But it was time to be brave enough—not to accept despair, but to choose hope.

To grow up, first we had to become strong and get rid of silly beliefs like hope and fairness and love. But now, we have to become even stronger and start believing in those things again.

[miheartsedthings]

Song: Until I Found You by Stephen Sanchez

Billy x Shy (slightly) Nyctohobic Reader SFW (Minors DNI)

Summary: You and Billy only met a week ago (the day you started community service) and you never talk to him, that is until the night you're cleaning the community center and the power goes out. 

My submission to @corroded-hellfire Valentine's event! ;)

Words: 3,365

“It's your own fault, but 500 hours for parking tickets is fucking bullshit.” 

Carmen takes a generous pull from her cigarette, a bright red cherry glowing in the dark. She draws the smoke in deep and lets it billow from her nostrils like some great dragon. As if it were purer than the air around you. The baseball field is dark, an orange lamp post on the little street beyond the fences. You sit on the ice-cold bleachers, chill biting right through your thin sweatpants and pullovers, numbing you to the bone. 

“I can't believe you're going.” 

You say to the dark. You reach for the bottle of crown between your sneakered feet and take another swig. 

“Yeah well, no one told you to get community service right after graduation. Otherwise, you could start with the rest of us.” 

“Who knew Hawkins took parking so seriously.”

She chuckled, her face obscured by smoke and darkness. She chuckled and didn't even cough.

“Talk to Hargrove yet?”

You took another long drink and cringed a little. 

“Nope.” 

She chuckled again, but louder, blossoming into a full-hearted laugh. 

“Seriously? You lost that bet fair and square. If you don’t tell him, it’s friendship treason.”

“I swear, I’ll tell him.”

“How?” 

“I’ll figure it out.”

She shook her head, then put out her spent cigarette and grabbed your hand. You walked that way; hands clasped, joints stiff with cold, the way you had every night since graduation a few months back. Be it from parties or hours on the bleachers talking about any and everything. Carmen had been your best friend since moving there from Chicago mid-semester. In the morning, she'd be going off to college and you already missed her so much it made your throat ache.

You stopped on her darkened lawn and she turned to you. 

“Do me a favor,” she said, fishing her crumpled pack of lucky strikes from her front pocket and slapping them into your hand. “Keep my last lucky.” 

You look at the white and red pack, it's plastic crinkled, the integrity of the carton broken down into a soft, malleable thing. 

“For luck?” The question isn't a question and you smile when you look at her, pocketing the pack. A slow grin spreads across her face. 

“Hell yeah. Good fuckin luck.”

 

. . .

The clouds are dark and low, threatening rain at any minute. 

“It’s child endangerment having us out here in a storm.” Ricky, one of the other ‘volunteers’ sneers this at the probation officer, interrupting his speech about your assignment. 

The officer cuts his eyes at him. 

“A, you’re working inside the community center. B, you’re 23. All of you are old enough to know better.”

You're messing with the pack of cigarettes in the pocket of your orange jumper. The sky does look sinister, and you’re here much closer to sunset than normal. The community center wouldn’t reschedule their afterschool program, leaving the group to wait until dinnertime. 

“You’ll work in teams of two. Two on the second floor, two on the main, two in the basement.” 

The girl beside you raises her hand, her pink manicure glittering in the sun. 

“My doctor says I can’t be in dark, dusty places. I have a note.” 

The officer regards her with annoyance. 

“Jess and Thomas, take main,” he says, “David and Ricky you two have the attic, and.” 

It’s then that he looks around, realizing you're the last person there. He rolls his eyes. “Anybody seen Hargrove today?”  

Of the fourteen days of service, Billy has only shown up about 8, and only half of those was he on time. When you’d first moved to Hawkins, Billy stood out immediately. The California transplant who took over the school. It’s a shame he insisted on acting like a dickhead because he was a serious hottie, and there was a lack of eye candy around here. In any case, your paths never crossed. However, that didn’t stop you from admiring him from afar and developing a strong, embarrassing crush. Then, there’s the thing only Carmen knows about. The it you're required to confess to him. Somehow.  

The probation officer goes inside to make a phone call and the rest of you relax. You and Jess hop up to sit on the railing along the wheelchair slope. 

“You think he’s coming today?” You ask her. She’s adjusting her jumpsuit, trying to make it look more flattering somehow. 

“If he does can we switch partners? All Tommy talks about is friggin Dukes a Hazard.” 

You laugh. 

“Be my guest, his energy is a bit much for me, anyway.” 

“Oh, yeah.” her eyes twinkle mischievously “It’s a lot, right? But in a good way. Like a mouth full of hot pizza.” 

“You like that feeling?”

“You don’t? It’s nice to be a little overwhelmed sometimes.” 

Just as she’s saying this, you get a whiff of smoke, and then she yelps, scrambling away from the rail and grabbing her buttcheek. Billy stands on the other side, grinning, a mostly-gone cigarette hanging from his mouth.

“What?” he asks “Too much?” 

His jumpsuit is hanging down, bunched around his waist. His white tee shirt is taut across his chest. Jess giggles and goes back to lean against the bar, she and Billy getting close. 

“You like sneaking up behind girls and pinching their asses?” 

“Only the cute ones.” 

“Mr. Hargrove,” The probation officer is making his way over and you hop down from the railing “Nice of you to join us. You’re in the basement.” 

“Um, actually, mister," Jess says "Y/N said she doesn’t mind switching partners.”

“Well, actually, I mind. Hargrove and L/N, in the basement.” 

. . .

Billy is whistling while he lazily pushes a skinny vacuum across the short blue carpet. It had started raining the moment we got inside and it raged against the little storm windows near the ceiling. The basement is a small space with a chunky green couch in front of an old TV. Shelves of board games line one wall while on the other is a shelf of movies and an old stereo. You're dusting off the shelf and then move to the stereo, its buttons are all dirty and gross. 

“God, this thing is old.” You say, not expecting Billy to hear you, but he does. He switches off the vacuum and comes over, leaning down over your shoulder to look at it. He's close enough to feel his body heat. You smell his cologne and the familiar cigarette smoke. 

He glances at you, and even though you look away quick you know he caught you staring.

“Let's see what we got.” 

He flicks on the stereo and navigates to a station blaring metal.  

“Fuck yes,”

He cranks the music up and starts bopping his head and swirling his hips. You can't help but laugh, and when he sees you looking pleased he smirks and hams it up even more. 

“This is not a party!” The parole officer yells down the steps as he comes down. He rounds the corner but Billy doesn't bother to stop dancing, in fact he turns and aims his rolling hips at the officer. 

“What's wrong with a little party?” He asks.

You turn the radio off and Billy looks at you like he's surprised you're obeying. You look away. 

“Thank you, Ms. L/N. Now, I'm gonna step away for a little while, I'm needed at the courthouse. Can I trust you two to stay down here until the job is done?” 

“When exactly is that?” You ask. “I mean, are we supposed to be dusting everything? Cuz that's gonna take all night.” 

He sighs. 

“Look, just straighten up, clean the windows, make it look nice.” 

“Do we have glass cleaner?”

“Are you gonna sass me all night?” 

The officer’s tone clips, suddenly, stinging. It makes you look down. 

“We got it covered, why don't you run along?” Billy says, already turning his back on the officer, who stares angrily after him for a moment before leaving. 

You get back to dusting, embarrassed into silence. Billy wasn't even pretending to work anymore. He rifled through the board games and then sauntered over to the movies and did the same. 

“What’d you do, anyway?” He asked, coming up beside you. You looked up at him, and he smirked down at you like he expected something bad. 

“Parking tickets.” 

His face fell. 

“Fuckin tickets? Damn, and here I thought you were interesting.”

Your stomach dropped. 

“Sorry to disappoint.” You moved over to the TV and started brushing it off with a paper towel. “What'd you do? Fight somebody?” 

“Is that what I look like, to you?” He teased, following you, “You think I'm some jerk who goes around lookin for fights?” He circled in front of you, still grinning like a Cheshire cat. You rolled your eyes, but couldn't help smiling. 

“Ya know,” He leaned against the TV, looking up at you with those ocean-blue eyes. “I remember you.” 

You stare at him in disbelief for a moment, flustered by his undivided attention. 

“Yeah?” You got back to dusting, nervous about the way your blood was rushing. “Well, I was around, and you were around,” you rambled. He closed the distance between you again and snatched the paper towel from your hand. Balling it up, he tossed it around his back and caught it over his shoulder like it was a tiny basketball. 

“You gave a speech at that assembly.” 

“You remember that?” 

You try to hide how pleased you are.  

“What, among all the other thrilling shit going on at Hawkins High?”

“I thought you were more of a ‘parties and babes’ kinda guy.”

“Yeah, well. That shit gets boring, too.” 

He takes a step closer, trailing his gaze up to your eyes and lingering there with intention. He can tell that his presence makes you nervous, and in the quiet moment that settles, he smirks a little. Thunder claps, making you yelp and jolt, you’re so close to Billy that you can’t help bumping into his chest. He catches you, his hands on your arms. 

“Whoa,” he says with a chuckle “Don’t tell me you’re scared of a little storm?” 

You push away from his touch. 

“Of course not.”

You went to the little bucket of cleaning supplies near the vacuum to look for glass cleaner you already knew wasn’t there. It was dark out, and you were trying not to make it obvious that you were worried about getting home. The bucket offers paper towels, wet wipes, and a couple of sponges. What exactly are you expected to do with this?

“I thought you’d be back in Chicago by now.” 

Billy was settling onto the couch, his feet up on the coffee table. Wind howled against the building and you looked to the storm window just in time to see a flash of lightning. Good, this time when the thunder comes you won’t jump like an idiot. 

“Yeah, me too. But we’re residents now, and there’s no way my parents can afford out-of-state tuition.” You sigh and look back to the bucket, eager for something to keep you busy. “Not like I miss it, anyway.” 

“Not a big city girl?” 

“The weather sucked half the year, and people were weird. Maybe it was just my school but it seemed like everyone wanted to take advantage whenever they could. Just trying to use you and get to the next best thing.” 

“Sounds like LA. Buncha wannabes.” 

“I thought you came from the OC?”

A slow smile drew across his lips. 

“Torrence,” he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. “What else do you think you know about me?” 

Your secret flashed through your mind. 

“I’m sure you know what kind of reputation you have.”

“Fuck,”  He grumbled, half a broken cigarette between his fingers. 

“Your last?” 

“Wouldn’t be my life if it wasn’t my fuckin last.” 

Your hand went to your pocket. Thank you, Carmen. 

“Here.” You went to him and offered the pack. He looked up at you, the split cigarette hanging from his perfect lips. He smirked and accepted the cigarette.

“Look at you, bein unpredictable.”

You gave up on cleaning and sat next to him. Just as he was lighting the cigarette, the room went dark. You jolted, letting loose a little yelp. Upstairs, Jess shrieks. The room is so dark for a moment you can’t see anything, then Billy flicks his lighter and you can see a little of his face. 

“Knew it. You’re scared.” 

“We should check on Jess.” 

You stood, but there was barely any light coming in from the two storm windows and you could barely see in front of yourself. Billy’s hand came to your waist and you jolted again. 

“It’s just me,” he said calmly, wrapping his arm around your waist, which you allowed. Let’s face it, you're creeped out and his body feels solid and warm. The two of you make your way to the stairs, only to reach the top and find the door locked. 

“Jess?” 

You knocked hard, hoping she could hear you. 

“Y/n?” Her voice came to the door. You heard her try the handle. “I can’t open it!” she yelled, on the verge of panic. 

“All the doors up here are locked,” Tommy added. “Dave and Rick are stuck in the attic, too.” 

“Dammit! I can’t be under this pressure!” Jess cried. 

“Do you have to yell?”

“Shut up Tommy!” 

 The two went on bickering on the other side of the door. 

“Why don’t you two freaks break a window or somethin?” Billy yelled, shutting them up. 

“We-we’ll give it a shot,” Tommy called back “Give us a sec.” 

Their voices receded, Billy groaned and the cherry end of his cigarette glowed as he took a drag. you were close in the narrow stairway, his arm still around you, as if it belonged there. 

“Since when d’you smoke?” He asked. 

“I don’t. That’s courtesy of Carmen Bailey.” 

“Ah, yeah. I remember her. Her mom’s at the pool every day in the summer.” 

The thought makes your stomach fall.

“Did you ever…?”

Even though you can’t see him, you know he’s smirking. 

“Just another rumor.” 

You wonder what would happen if you told him right now. It could go well. If what the woman said so long ago had been true, then it had to go well. But what if she was lying? A shiver ran through you. 

“You cold?”

“Hm? No. I’m fine.”

He pulled you closer, your shoulder against his chest. God, he’s so warm. A loud bang made you jolt again and Billy stroked his thumb against your side, filling the stairwell with lucky strike smoke. What a thing when cigarette smoke becomes comforting. Another loud bang. No shattering glass. 

“It didn’t work!” Jess cried with desperation in her voice. 

“Fuck,” Billy mumbled. 

“What do we do?” Tommy asked. 

“Just wait for the officer to come back.” You said. 

“Have you seen what it looks like out there? He’s not coming back. Fucker just left us.” Jess might’ve been crying real tears. 

“At least you’re not in the basement,” You added with a little laugh. 

“As if I wouldn’t kill to trade places with you.” She said. 

You and Billy went back down to the couch and settled in. Officially stuck. He kept his hand on you in some way, on your hip and then on your thigh when you sat down. You sat together in silence, and you watched the glow of his cigarette wind down to his lips until it was gone. You don’t know where he put it out. Then there was just the sound of the storm. The rain and an occasional flash of lightning. The thunder which made you tense for just a moment each time. Billy could feel that tension, you knew because every time he would message your thigh, reminding you he was there.  

“I’m really glad you never hooked up with Carmen’s mom. She’s my best friend and it’d be really awkward.” 

He laughed. 

“Best friend, huh?”

“Yeah. Since day one. You weren’t here the first couple of days I started but it was weird. This town treats new people like aliens.” 

“Think I don’t know? Weirdass cornfield fucks.” 

You belly-laughed and he chuckled a bit, too. 

“Well, to be fair they didn’t stand a chance against you. Nothing could’ve prepared them for hurricane Hargrove.” 

“Hurricane Hargrove,” he said, testing the nickname “I like it. You came up with that?”

“It was here when I arrived. You’re the best thing about this place.” 

You hadn’t meant for it to sound so intimate, but suddenly there was just the sound of the rain and something fluttered in your chest. Billy’s hand moved a little higher on your thigh, kneading the muscle. 

“Anyway, Carmen’s great. That’s why I hate not starting classes with her. We’re supposed to share a dorm.” He doesn’t answer, his hand is still feeling your thigh and your face is getting hot. “Are you excited for school?”

“Did you hear the question you just asked?”

You laughed nervously. 

“I just mean, aren’t you looking forward to getting out of Hawkins? Starting your life somewhere else? I mean, what do you wanna be?”

He sighed. 

“Uh, fuck, I don’t know. I wanna…not be a prick.” 

“Decent goal.” 

He scoffed. 

“Should be easy, right?” He was quiet for a moment, and in the quiet, your hand came down over his. Your eyes were adjusting and you could make out his outline. That curly hair. “I’m here ‘cause of my dad. We got in a fight…that asshole started it but the second I fought back he said ‘You’re a man now, you’re gonna face real consequences for your actions’...called the cops. Charged me with assault.” 

You stroked your thumb over his knuckles. 

“Sounds like a piece of shit.” 

“Biggest I’ve ever met.” he said, “So, I don’t know where I’ll go, what I’ll do. I’m just not stayin here. And he’ll be lucky if he sees me on his deathbed.”   

You're filled with the urge to lift his hand to your lips, to kiss the length of his arm, and find his mouth in the dark. Would you get that far? Would he stop you? 

“There’s something I should tell you.”

The words popped out on their own, setting in motion this confession you couldn’t hold in. 

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice smooth and low, “Tell me.”

You took a breath. 

“Promise not to laugh.”

“That bad?”

“Please. Promise.”

“I swear.”

He squeezed your hand with a reassuring firmness.

“My parents took me to Navy Pier when I turned eleven and I saw a psychic there. She told me,” A rush of nerves made you cringe “God, I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”

“Just spill it.”

You groaned, dying of embarrassment.

“The psychic told me I’d meet my soulmate one day and until that day I’d suffer nightmares every single night. And she was right. I had nightmares that night and every night since then…until I found my soulmate…” quiet stretched out between you as you found the courage to finish, “Until I found you.”  

The lights flicked back on, making you squint and cover your eyes from the sudden flare. Then you saw him. He looked at you like he was seeing you for the first time, recognizing someone. 

“How d’you know it's me?”

After a moment’s silent embarrassment, you swallowed spit. 

“You're in my dreams now. All the time.” 

He looked down, and you're so nervous you wanted to chew off your lip. You stood, only to have Billy stand with you. He kissed you, and his tongue was smoke and spearmint. His lips were soft, and he took you around the waist, pulling you into a distant, smoky cologne while your arms were slung around his neck. Nothing had ever felt so perfect. He pulled back, though not far, and there was so much tenderness in his cool eyes. 

“D’you think it’s stupid?” you asked. 

“Y’know…all kinds of crazy shit happens around here. Someday I’ll tell you about it.”

[abybweisse]

hello! i hope you are well ☺️

after this chapter i am genuinely so confused as to why the undertaker (who i presume revived doll as a bd since he was present when sebastian killed her) would allow her to attempt revenge on ociel and the servants. doesn’t he not want any more phantomhives lost? even if no harm could ever reach ociel because of sebastian, doll does still pose somewhat of a threat to him as he is only human and she is this enhanced creature with potential abilities to harm him. also why is doll referring to the servants as ‘phantomhives’, i mean sure they work for the master of house phantomhive, but they aren’t; why is she calling them that when her master who is rciel (i think) is also a phantomhive? last but not least, who do you think will leave victorious, doll and the maids or finny and the kids.

thanks in advance for your reply and have a wonderful day😊

Conflict of interests

Undertaker does a lot of things that seem to go against his own interests. He's been figuratively shooting himself in the foot. I guess it's because if he told our earl what he really wanted to do, ultimately, then our earl would not agree. Instead, Undertaker has decided to try to force our earl into a situation where he's more willing to accept his terms, whenever he eventually gets around to stating them; that would be whenever our earl is most vulnerable. That would definitely hold true, if, say... Undertaker wants to transplant our earl's soul into real Ciel's body, as some last ditch effort to "save" them both. Our earl (or Sebastian) would likely only agree to that if our earl's body were severely damaged in a fight or something. Until the contract is fulfilled, Sebastian can't let him die.

I can envision scenarios in which our earl is injured to the point that the only way to keep his soul from departing would be to place it into another vessel. Sebastian previously offered to place him entirely, soul and body, within himself to keep him safe, but our earl declined. That would be separate from devouring him, but if his body is too injured to survive, then putting him inside Sebastian might be the same as devouring him. Can't do that until the contract is up. Undertaker would step in saying something like "What to do? What to do?! Oh, I have an idea! Hihi!" Removing our earl's soul and placing it into real Ciel's body could break the contract, because real Ciel doesn't have a contract seal. This became an issue in s1, when the contract temporarily breaks because Ash/Angela cuts off Sebastian's left arm, which has the contract seal on that hand. That's how Claude steals his soul before Sebastian can devour it. Undertaker is a tricky fellow, and I'm sure he's looking at every opportunity he can find, even if it risks lives he wants to protect.

Doll sees anyone associated with our earl as a "Phantomhive", which is seriously ironic, because she's working for a Phantomhive and Undertaker, who wishes to not lose Phantomhives. If Polaris was once a Phantomhive butler, as I theorize, then he's another. Tanaka would count, too, regardless of which brother he serves. Doll herself is a "Phantomhive", in the same way that Finny and Snake are.

In a recent post, I said that I hope Snake and Finny point out to her that she's working for her enemy's twin, the real Ciel Phantomhive. I don't know whether she's actually met him. Would she mistake him for the younger twin who had her and her family killed? Or does she have some sort of doublethink going on, where she refuses to accept the obvious; it's all just a feud within the same family. She's being duped and used by the Phantomhives, either way.

I do expect Finny and most of the kids to survive, but there might be some casualties on Finny's side. We could lose some kids, besides the candidates that have already "fledged", because that's how dark the series has become. Snake could lose a snake. Even Snake could end up dying, but I sure hope not. We have to remember that Yana-san has no qualms with killing off a beloved character that's been in the story for many years. I can't even promise that Finny makes it out; I just think he probably will. Mother3 theory says Finny should survive, but 🤷🏻‍♀️.

[if-you-feel-lonely]

hi!! i was wondering if you could write hcs about wilbur soot falling in love with and eventually dating a shy baker girl? like, she's super sweet and shy and isn't super loud or outgoing and she just kinda likes to do her own thing and bake sweets?

aaaaaaaaa this took me ages to get to but hey, better late than never!

I did assume this was cc!wilbur since you didn't specify, so I went with this. do correct me if I'm wrong, though! I love this prompt, so I'll happily redo it :>

Wilbur Soot falling in love with the sweet baker girl!

Oh my god when he saw you

He physically went 😳

It starts with him coming in every day

He literally has no reason to come in as often as he does, he doesn't have a sense of taste

It's not the pastries he comes for, though

It's the baker behind the counter that's even more sweet than her treats

Sooner or later, the daily visits turn into flirting

Well, him dancing on the line between flirting and joking whilst you listen and laugh

And later on, it blossoms into friendship. Well, what friendship you can see for seeing each other for maybe half an hour every day.

In a burst of confidence, you finally managed to respond to his hopeless flirting

"Do you have an extra heart? Because someone just stole mine." "Heart transplants? Already? At least take me to dinner first." "Happily. How does dinner at my flat sound? Maybe half six tonight?" "Sounds like a plan." "Great. Pick you up here?" "Sounds good!"

You know that clip from the "Wrong Number" comedy skip where the comedian suddenly sighs and says, "OH MY GOD THAT WORKED."?

That.

Both of you.

He seriously didn't expect you to respond like that. Not that he's complaining, though!

That evening, you go to his flat

Upon seeing his guitar, you start asking various questions about if he plays and what songs he plays - that sort of thing

Something between the two of you starts to click, and you both notice

Without realising, you start going on more and more dates

It starts off as once a month, then maybe every two weeks, then every wednesday evening, and then lunch at yours every friday afternoon

It's not something that you really discuss, it just happens

The fact that he has a girlfriend only really sinks in when he's discussing relationships with Tommy on stream

"Wilbur, how many dates have you been on recently? Are you getting many women?"

"Actually, I've been on quite few, recently."

"Getting all them hoes, eh?"

"Jesus Christ, don't say that to anyone, please. It's been with the same person; we've been going out for a while now."

He never goes any further than that, though

Chat knows he has a girlfriend, but they don't know much more than that

He wants you to have privacy, and broadcasting you across the internet is not the way to go about that

He might talk about your dates or the things you do together, but other than that, he tries to avoid talking about you while streaming

ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE-

He's very shocked to discover that you're genuinely just that nice

He always assumed it was one of those things where you act differently around strangers, but when you warm up to them, that changes

But no

You're just an absolute sweetheart!

Occasionally you might have days where, after a long day of work, you don't want to go out

On those days, you sit in either of your beds, and just exist with each other

Maybe you read or watch a film or something like that

all in all, 10/10 relationship

would recommend

[wonderlandleighleigh]

MidgeLenny “I don’t know if you know but I’m new to town, you wouldn’t know a tour guide by any chance”

Midge tries hard not to laugh. "Really? Never been to New York before?"

"Nope," Lenny responds, grinning behind his hand. "New transplant from LA. Never even been to the Empire State Building."

"Don't bother, it's just cold up there," Midge waves a hand.

"Really? Not even to spit off of?"

"You could kill someone like that."

"Something new to add to the rap sheet."

Midge does laugh then. "How long have you been back?"

Lenny shrugs. "Couple days. Just...working a little. Apartment hunting a little."

"Well, Papa asked about you the other night," Midge tells him. "He's very concerned that he hasn't heard from you lately."

"That man loves me, and I do not know why."

Midge shrugs. "He has strange taste."

"So I suppose I should stop by," Lenny says slowly. "To see Abe."

"He's not home at night a lot anymore," Midge responds. "Working at the Voice."

"Hm. Interesting. And what about your mother? Is she home often these days?"

"Very busy," Midge responds seriously. "She sometimes even spends weekends upstate for her matchmaking."

"Very interesting," Lenny nods thoughtfully. "So if I stopped by, say...Sunday night..."

"It's very likely I would be by myself," Midge shrugs. "All on my lonesome. Big bed all to myself."

Lenny nods slowly. "That would be a shame."

"A damn shame," Midge agrees.

[totally-not-deacon]

[tw: parental death, terminal illness under the cut]

Don't like, worry, or whatever y'all. This is more just me musing and warning to others than anything, just happens to be a sadder one. I'm good in this department nowadays FYI, so please don't worry or anything, but as you can guess you don't really stop missing people.

Pretty sure this was all brought on by simply finding a funny video/meme I think she'd have liked.

It's hard to believe my mom's been gone for almost 2 years now. Like, I had acted as her primary caregiver since 2017 until '21, so it's not like I didn't know what was going to happen. But I still think you can only prepare yourself so much, I guess.

IDK, it's just her birthday wasn't too long ago, and I've had a lot of spare time to sit and ruminate lately.

Seriously guys, whoever's reading this and needs to see it: Don't. Don't fucking smoke. For the love of fucking GOD and every single one of your loved ones, do NOT smoke. You have no idea what you could be putting your family through, let alone YOURSELF once you start losing yourself to full-on COPD.

And I don't say that figuratively. It's not just wheezing, or shortness of breath. It's not that whole "emphysema is like breathing thru a straw" thing. It's not just Asthma But More. The chronic hypoxemia and WILL cause brain damage - you will start to lose your memory, you WILL slowly lose yourself, and so will anyone else that cares for you. And yet, you'll stay completely aware of what's happening well after it's too late to turn around.

I watched her die for years. I was holding her fucking hand when she took her last god damned, struggling breath. I can't think of a worse way to do die.

You'll stop caring about anything other than surviving. And the sad part? You will NOT survive. COPD is terminal, no if ands or buts. And if you're banking on it? Goooood fucking luck trying to get approved for a lung transplant as a smoker, cause you're gonna need it.

I don't even WANT to get into the details - but let's just say it takes a good amount of therapy to even be able to deal with it firsthand.

Like, I know this probably won't change any minds, gods know it didn't get me to kick the habit until she'd passed. I get it, it's how addiction works. It's not some "well just quit then" bullshit. And I'll be real with you - you'll probably still have occasional cravings for years afterward. But just maybe I can be that last straw for someone out there who actually wants to try.

Because fuck man, it's worth it. If not for you, your loved ones. It's so fucking worth it. Even if you don't give a shit about yourself, think about those you care for. Please.

Anywho, there's my oddly personal, likely wine-fueled, bit of advice/ramble.

[scum-belina]

I don’t think this job is going to work out. If you have the patience to read through all my concerns and problems with my work, then please tell my your opinion on it I’m actually really wanting some advice or thoughts on what to do here.

So, last week was my first week, and they trained me 3 days as a dietary aide (what I applied and was hired for.) and on day for they just let me work on my own along with my fave cook, we’ll call her “K” for this post. I did good on my 4th day, but still had a lot I needed to memorize bc it’s really important to learn what each patient likes, dislikes, can have, and can’t have. I felt decent after my 4th day and practiced memorizing more stuff on my 2 days off, and felt like I’d do even better as an aide on my 5th day.

Well, my boss had me come in at 4am today and showed me how to do breakfast all by myself as an aide AND cook. Then when the actual cook “T” showed up, my boss told her “I’m gonna have you train liz to be a cook today. Try to have her trained completely in the next 3 days. And cook T was like “what!!!!!!” she wasn’t prepared at all to train me. I felt so awkward and in the way, but made a roast, cut up and roasted abt 40 potatoes, made a massive tray of garlic bread from scratch, and a cake all by myself. all of it was a success, but I really am not confident enough to be a cook here.It’s very hard to get all of it ready on time and again this is NOT what I was hired to do!!!

Another thing is that cooks make more money than the aides, but I am not being paid a cook’s wage when I’m cook, I just get paid my aide wage. They don’t see what the big deal is but umm...I DO! I’m supposed to go in again at 4am tomorrow and do it all again, then the day after that it’s just going to be me in the kitchen doing everything by myself! Two jobs at once! 

I am already dreading work now and it’s only my 5th day. The kitchen is small, sweltering, and just...not good. all the other aides and cooks are unreliable except for K, and I really do like her but my boss is already talking about making me and K head over the kitchen bc my boss is trying to get a kidney transplant asap, and when/if she does, show won’t be able to work for at least 4 months. I understand her desperation to have me be able to do both jobs, but it’s all too much too fast. I have not been trained properly except for one day by K. I take any job I do seriously and want to do it right and they don’t seem to care about me doing it right, they just want me there to cover their shifts.

I still feel apprehensive about putting in my two weeks notice so soon despite having no schedule, never knowing what I’ll be doing each day or who I’ll be working with, not being paid accurately, etc. bc I really do like K and don’t want to leave her with everything on her shoulders, and I feel bad for my boss bc of her kidney transplant struggle. Plus I’ve already gotten to know some of the residents and so many are so funny and precious.

But in all honesty, I do not see this job getting any better for me. They’re already piling on so much and I still don’t even know where half of our damn ingredients and utensils are bc no one will show me and if I ask they rarely have the time. I hate the absurd ordeal they make you go through every time you sign in, clock in, sign out, clock out. and so much more that’s a whole bunch of nothing. Their covid safety stuff is all for show none of them actually take the proper precautions. 

There’s so, so, so, SO much more messed up with my job and the entire company. I’m already so sick of it. I want a steady stable schedule. I don’t want to have to text my boss 5 times a day every day asking if I work tomorrow and what time, and then wait 6 hours to get response from her. Plus, my grandparent’s and a couple of neighbors I help are needing more and more care lately and now I don’t have enough time to do their shopping, clean heir houses, etc. I feel so low. I would much rather work at a store or something than here. I’m just so nervous and flat-out afraid to put in my two weeks notice so soon. I’m really agonizing over this. :(

[odinsravendutchess]

2nd Bariatric Surgeon Fired…

So I had to have a special swallow study done for my bariatric surgeon. It was no walk in the park.

I live 2 hours from the hospital it was going to be done at. So I made the appointment and was told to be at the hospital for an 8am appointment. I was supposed to be mailed paperwork but they didn’t do that.

I drive 2 hours 1 way to be told my appointment was at 11:30 so I had to wait. Not happy, but fine! I was going to at least get my info so I could look at my chart. So I got all the info to do that.

I look in my chart to find the labs I did 2 months ago were low. It was my iron. I have a medical history of a rare bleeding disorder that pairs with anemia. It’s called immune thrombocytopenia purpura aka ITP.

I had a hysterectomy and I’m 37. There is not explainable reason as to why I have low iron other than something is going on that we don’t know about causing this.

I had my swallow study done. Everything was normal.

The bariatric surgeon didn’t think it was a big deal and the surgeon’s nurse lied about what she communicated to me in my chart.

Every call or email is saying I had a call or email with the surgeon. I didn’t talk or email the surgeon. I called or talked to a receptionist or nurse. I have only talked to the surgeon once. The hospital did that to bill my insurance more.

So I told the “bariatric coordinator “ what happened. She disregarded me entirely and was acting like I was the problem so I hung up on her and emailed the bariatric nurse to tell her I was firing them.

Then I filed a grievance with the medical facility explaining everything that happened. They called me back and they want me to report it to the hospital campus, which I am going to do here in a moment.

The bariatric nurse emailed me back and tried to say she didn’t falsify anything even though she did. She also tried to say she didn’t call but emailed it to me, which I didn’t ever get an email over my iron levels.

And now I am upset with the bariatric surgeon because she wasn’t taking my health issues seriously.

If my iron gets any lower I will be in serious trouble, we’re talking being admitted, (I don’t get to be in med/surge, I am a direct admit to ICU), and transfusions. I currently can’t have surgery at all because I have a high risk of complications just from my low iron levels alone.

I got my “Dream Team” of doctors on it though. I have my PCP (internal medicine), Endocrinologist, Gastroenterologist, and my Immunologist looking into it.

My Immunologist will figure it out in like 2 minutes. He is crazy super smart and has worked at a transplant hospital before starting his own practice. My labs indicate low iron due to chronic illness (from my research) meaning my iron needs to be monitored closely for the rest of my life. I see all my “Dream Team” doctors in the next 2 weeks.

Why am I posting this;

CALL OUT THOSE WHO WRONG YOU, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO HAVE YOUR LIFE IN THEIR HANDS.

As health care professionals, we are human. We are not gods. We are not above you. Every life is worth caring for and supporting. Every life matters. Patients are not pay checks and to treat them as such is beyond despicable and unforgivable.

I am a very aggressive health care professional because I treat my patients like family so if someone tries to give my patients or their families (I’m specialized in pediatric high acuity more specialized in rare illnesses) a hard time, I will have it out with them.

As a patient I am very aggressive to get on top of things and to be compliant because at the end of the day, how can my patients and their families trust me if I don’t practice what I preach?

[thefirespiral-blog]

I haven’t had a drink since Tuesday, May 18, 2021. I didn’t even have a good last hurrah - it was cheap saké that I warmed in an oversized bottle in a small pan of water - y’know, like syrup - and local hard cider. I know I drank all the cider (a tall can, maybe more than one) and I think I drank most of the saké. Some people plan that last drink with some ritual, but I, well, I didn’t. I passed out fell asleep just like any other night. I’m sure I told myself I was done drinking, or something like it before I drifted off. No ritual at all. Just the same ol’ same ol’. I had no idea what was coming in the morning.

For some people, my decision to stop drinking and using cannabis seemed to come out of nowhere. I’d actually been working on it - mostly without awareness - for decades. Every spiritual thing I’d ever done, every therapy session I attended, every moment of insight, every book about trauma, body love, self-love, growth, every political awakening, every experience, every lifequake, every deep conversation I’d had to that point - these things and more all led me to sobriety. 

In 2021, I woke up on Wednesday, May 18th at 8 AM. After snoozing as much as I could, pushing through feeling like absolute shite (as usual), and winning the debate about whether I felt up to going to work (mostly usual), I followed the rest of my morning routine. That consisted of reviewing how much I’d drank the night before, how terribly I’d slept, and how awful my stomach felt.  I checked my phone and social media to make sure I hadn’t said or posted something I regretted. Somehow, on this particular day, when I swore to stop drinking, it was like an oath to the godds. I knew I was done. I was never going to drink alcohol again. 

Prior Attempts

I was newly 40 when my dad died unexpectedly in 2011. He was only 61, and there is absolutely no doubt that a lifetime of hard drinking, many drugs, and a two-pack-a-day cigarette habit had a lot to do with that. For the first time, I felt my own mortality, the sense that I really don’t have forever to do the things I want to do or to live the life I wanted to live. I entertained the idea that I had a drinking problem, though not for the first time. 

The first time I realized my drinking was not normal happened years earlier, in the wake of losing Jasmine. Jasmine was my 10-year-old daughter, lost to complications from a lung transplant in 2004. By late 2005 I was drinking up to 2 bottles of wine per day, and somehow still managing to hang onto a full-time job - just barely. I had no PTO and my attendance was a regular talking point in reviews. I was not, however, doing a great job of hanging on to my marriage, parenting, being a friend, or much of anything else. My life was an absolute train wreck, the proverbial hot mess. My playlists often included hits such as “Where is My Mind,” and “Something Is Not Right With Me,” and “I Need Some Sleep” and endless replays of the entirety of The Fragile. (Pixies, Cold War Kids, The Eels & Nine Inch Nails, respectively)  When I look back now, I often feel like I need to apologize endlessly to the people who loved me in my 30’s and early 40’s. I was seriously out of my fucking head with grief and figuring out who I was. Thank the godds for you all, you know who you are. From the heart, I wouldn’t be here without you. Especially Jeff.

I did a month without alcohol at the behest of my counselor in 2006 or so. I was successful, but it was challenging when I visited my family and tried to explain why I wasn’t drinking. Generally speaking, it was a dynamic in my family that drinking and smoking weed was a group activity.  To not do so was not only a betrayal of how we interacted but also an indictment of the decision to drink. If I said I wasn’t drinking, that was like saying I didn’t want to be part of the family and that I was judging and insulting their drinking and drug habits. I managed to do the time my therapist and I agreed upon… and not much more than that. Between my mental and emotional health and my social situation, it was too hard not to drink. 

Fast forwarding to my dad’s death in 2011, it became harder to ignore my drinking. I “experimented” with AA in early 2012 - trying it for six months for a class project. I again left myself an “option” of starting to drink again at the end of that time if I “felt like” I could do it without having a problem. Naturally, that means I was drinking again as soon as my class project ended. I totally hung in for that entire six months, didn’t drink, attended 2-3 meetings a week, hated most (all) of the program literature. I learned that AA was (and is) not a good fit for me, but also to be completely honest? I wasn’t ready to quit yet. I especially wasn’t ready to quit if AA was the way I had to do it - all I wanted to do after I left those meetings was have a glass (or let’s be real, a bottle)  of wine.  I looked into SMART Recovery at the same time, but I couldn’t find any meetings that I could attend. Remember this was pre-Zoom era, so in-person was really the only way to go for support meetings. I also really worried about my relationships and what would happen if I dropped out of social drinking. I was afraid no one would really think sober me was much fun and I would end up isolated and alone.

In December 2020 I received some bad health news - I was starting to show signs of liver damage, signs that made it so I could no longer ignore or deny the impact my drinking was having on my health. Not just my physical health, mind you, but emotional, mental, and spiritual health as well. So I tried to stop drinking on my own. 

I tried moderation first, making rules and agreements that didn’t even last a week. I always had a reason why any given day was exceptional and I should “bend” the rule and drink. While I didn’t always get drunk when I was drinking during this time, it had been many, many years since I’d gone more than a few days without a drink. Even when I was really sick, I would rationalize reasons why I should drink anyway. “The alcohol will kill the bad germs in my gut.” “Whiskey toddies are just the thing for a cold!” “I have a sore in my mouth - definitely need to clean it out with some whiskey.” The lies I told myself - that I knew were lies - were ridiculous. When I think about it now, those lies make me cringe, but mostly I recognize them as a symptom of struggling to come to terms with alcohol use disorder.

2021

Back to that particular day in 2021 -  I knew I was done but that I couldn’t deal with it on my own, especially not while working full time and managing a house full of people. I looked for a local treatment center and found Awakenings By the Sea, a women-only in-patient facility that was less than 20 miles from home. I called and spoke to the intake coordinator before I went to work that Wednesday morning. She assured me I could participate without having to use the 12-step model. I got the logistics in order, took some books and other tools to work my own recovery program, and told my family and coworkers that I needed to be gone for a while. My boss moved heaven and earth to make it so I could enter for a 30-day visit within 4 days. I will forever be grateful to him for helping get my Self back. I checked into treatment on Sunday, May 23, 2021. I was terrified. I needed to be there. And I was, in the end, awakened.

Reflections on The Work

I have spent the past 12 months doing so much work - hard work - on myself. Work that honestly? I think anyone could benefit from regardless of their alcohol/substance use status. Plenty of other behaviors arise from the same roots as addiction - workaholism, orthorexia, codependency, etc. They’re called process addictions, and they’re just another way of coping that becomes harmful. I think these are ubiquitous and especially lethal because they are often rewarded. They destroy relationships, lives, health, finances… all the same things that substances destroy.

I stopped using cannabis and psychedelics at about the same time as alcohol - my last day of using was May 20, 2021. I wasn’t sure if I would continue to use cannabis after I stopped drinking. I hadn’t made up my mind completely even when I left treatment. While I had some spiritual experiences with cannabis and some mushroom/LSD microdosing, I realized that mostly, I was using these things to cope (badly) with trauma. I know that for the foreseeable future, I cannot guarantee that I wouldn’t start to use them to do that if I were to try them again. I have not ruled out future use for spiritual journeying, but I have to say I can’t currently see my way to doing so safely.

Between 2021 and 2022 I have surprised myself over and over. I have felt feelings that I’d rather not feel, but NEEDED to feel. I have taken an unflinching look at myself and that shite ain’t easy. I have touched my shadow, shined a light on it, healed what I could, and honored the rest. Getting sober isn’t easy. But I can’t believe how much better my life is for doing it. I would never have believed it before going through this past year myself. I remember scoffing, again and again, at people’s stories of how sobriety changed their lives in miraculous, magickal ways. What I know now is that it’s not a miracle and it’s not magick. It’s not an act of God or godds. It’s me giving a fuck about myself. Loving myself. Working hard. Seeing that I am, in fact, pretty awesome. Healing. Wanting to be clear for myself and only myself. It’s me knowing why I don’t drink and never questioning that decision.

One year later there has been so much change. Even as the external world feels like it’s falling apart (and it is, in many ways) my life has become different in all the RIGHT ways. I learned that being 100% present, living my life the way I always dreamed was actually possible. I learned (and am learning) so many things.

5 Incredible Things About Being Sober

I love and experience wonder about the person I am. In the past 12 months, I have learned more about myself and how to build the life I want to live than I learned in the last 12 years. I built a platform for sobriety and for truly loving myself in my work with Reclaiming Tradition Witchcraft and Diana’s Grove. My sobriety rests solidly on that work, and I continue to experience and learn in that spiral pattern, coming back to old lessons and learning new things over and over. I’m remembering and discovering what brings me joy. I’m figuring out what actually matters instead of what “should.”

I discovered that there are mental health diagnoses that were hiding under alcohol use disorder - things like bipolar II and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I learned that what has long been a diagnosis of major depressive disorder is actually a component of bipolar II disorder. I’ve been having hypomanic cycles for years, masked by alcohol. My bank account can definitely testify to this, and so can my life partner. Though C-PTSD was diagnosed well before I stopped drinking, I have a fuller sense of how the trauma has impacted and continues to impact me. Learning about trauma, how it lives in the body, and how it was part of my alcohol use disorder helped lay the background for healing my disordered eating and alcohol use. I’m still learning about trauma and will be for the rest of my life. I think being trauma-informed is as necessary as critical thinking in both my personal world and the world at large.

Thanks to DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), I’ve gathered many tools for emotional regulation, mindfulness, and generally processing my emotional reaction to things. I’ve successfully learned new ways (and gotten better at old ways) of feeling my feelings, honoring them, and giving them space before I engage with anyone or anything. I used to believe I was hopeless - never going to be able to be good at dealing with my emotions. I drank to drown them. These are the most important tools I’ve honed (and continue to hone) for sobriety. I’m learning how to advocate for myself, and how to know something is true for me without needing it to be validated by someone else. The concept of standing in my truth used to be nebulous to me, but it’s become more and more clear and defined since I decided to live without alcohol.

I take better care of my body. I take my prescribed medications and supplements on a regular schedule. I practice intuitive eating and enjoy delicious, nourishing food. I move my body more: fitting in little walks, being more physically active at work, taking the long way to get to things. My sleep - which is critical to, like, everything about my health, improved considerably. I’ve known for a long time that alcohol really fucks with your sleep, both from reading about it and experiencing it. Even still, I had no idea how much it would improve over time when I stopped drinking. I have sleep issues related to trauma anyway, but my sleep is 100% better than it was when I was drinking, even if it’s not 100% as good as most people’s.

I still have an aging body with some diagnoses that will likely never go away. Gravity is real, aging is a bitch, things fall apart, you know the drill. That said, all of those diagnoses are much improved. My liver, after sounding the alarm with pain and swelling, is now healed. I have more energy. I don’t forget as many things, and when I do, I know for damned sure it’s not because I was under the influence of alcohol or anything else. My brain healed tremendously after decades of drowning in wine. And it’s still healing, as is the rest of my body. It takes a long time to recover from alcohol use disorder. 

I’m more honest and thoughtful in my relationships and interactions. I have a buffer between my emotions that comes from a deep peace and wisdom I never had. My reaction is more balanced and in alignment with my values - I am more grounded than ever before. While I still have moments of wishing I’d dealt with a situation differently, most of the time I feel good about how I handle the hard conversations. I stand firmly in my truth these days, even as I can be receptive and compassionate to other truths. I take my time before I respond to situations, especially when they’re emotionally charged. I speak now with conviction rather than self-doubt and a lack of clarity. I am more accountable and less flaky. I’m a better friend, a better partner, a better parent, a better aunt - better at all these things because I don’t feel so fucking unhinged and reactive.

My marriage, well. Jeff is either crazy or a saint for sticking with me through this: ::flails wildly at the past three decades:: Maybe both. Aren’t most saints crazy? Anyway, the guy stuck around despite my best attempts to drive him away. I wasn’t coping with trauma well, or at all, actually. I was just trying to drown it. Glad I’ve learned better. I’m hoping to spend the rest of my life showing Jeff it was worth it to stick around. Not drinking has made our relationship better in about a million ways. For me, that means we’re closer and our conversations are more balanced. I have been relinquishing the need for power and control for many years, but when I stopped drinking, I cut the last bits away. Part of this story is Jeff’s, and he can tell it - or not - as he wishes. I love you so much, Jeff. Definitely don’t deserve you, am glad I regained my sanity for the rest of our lives. We both know that a relationship that lasts long is rarely, if ever, easy. They take work. We’re pretty muddy from it, aren’t we? But look what we have created, this kintsugi of a relationship.

I have made new, wonderful friends in my journey and/or have renewed or deepened existing friendships. The power of community always prevails, even for us introverts. As is often the case, a few relationships changed and some kinda fizzled out. Some relationships have been ended because they were toxic. I don’t love that, but also, I am not willing to sacrifice myself to change it. And…this is a tiny number of relationships. Mostly I’ve made some authentic connections with people that I just wouldn’t have been able to make when I was drinking. My life is just so much clearer now. And of course, I had also damaged - sometimes irreparably - many relationships while under the influence. At least now I know if I’m the asshole it ain’t ‘cause I was drinking.

There are SO many more ways to get sober besides the 12-step model. Thank the godds I have always remained an active, avid reader - it was a book that showed me the way to the program that ultimately worked for me. I started with a book/program that was a feminist, empowered modification of the 12-step model (“Many Roads, One Journey'' by Charlotte Kasl). I found something even better while I was in treatment - the Tempest program (it’s online). This program was created by Holly Whitaker, who wrote “Quit Like A Woman,” and it is a very trauma-informed, science/evidence-based and progressive program.** 

There’s never been a time of more choices to reach sobriety than now. It’s pretty fucking fantastic. At one point, I was participating in meetings from The Luckiest Club (based on Laura McKeown’s work), Soberful (based on Veronica Valli’s work), Recovery Dharma and SMART Recovery. All of these have robust online presences - no local group is required to participate and benefit. And there are SO MANY great podcasts out there! If the 12-step model works for you, that’s great! But it is so very important that people know that isn’t the only way, nor should it be the default setting for how to get sober.

I am creating the life I’ve always wanted. Since I quit drinking, I have rediscovered the facts that I live in the place I always wanted to live in (the Pacific Northwest), that my house is the home I always dreamed of (an older two-story with lots of trees and green growing things all around), and that I now am doing the work I always wanted to do! Way back in 1996 I responded to an interview question about where I saw myself in 20 years. I said that I would be finished with my college degree and working in a women’s shelter where I could help women rebuild their lives following violence and substance abuse. And here I am! My 20-year timeline was off - mostly due to my drinking - but I made it. I fucking made it and the naysayers… well they don’t deserve the energy of me calling them out. 

Some details have been modernized - the DV/IPV center where I work helps people of all gender identities and orientations. We are rooted in being anti-oppression and trauma-informed, empowering survivors to find the best solution for themselves. I share deep values with my co-workers. And now with the new position, I live openly as a polytheist, animist Witch. I don’t censor myself or worry about whether it’s safe to talk about what matters most to me. I can claim my sexuality. My work environment is trauma-informed, caring, and incredibly supportive.  I get to do meaningful work every day, work that supports the change I’d like to see in the world. Fuck yes! I did it! Here I am! And most of the time, I have the presence to remember and revel in it.

…

**Right after I wrote this essay, I received an email that Tempest is being acquired by Monument, which feels a lot like it’s going to lose what is really special about it. Monument – well, the name kind of says it. Bigger with more medical services, but less in the way of individual support and less in the way of all the things that made Tempest my lifeline this past year. That makes me sad, but in learning that, I also learned that Holly Whitaker was basically forced out of being part of Tempest last year, and now I’m having all kinds of feels about that too. All of that said, there is a wonderful FB group that revolves around “Quit Like a Woman” - complete with regular meetings and insightful community providing support no matter where you are in the process of quitting. I highly recommend it.

Also, it says a lot to me that while I am having feels about the end of this particular resource, I am not having concerns about finding other communities and ways to support my sobriety. I am not having worries about keeping my sobriety because it is based on a very individualized program that I created for myself using their framework. Meetings were essential at the beginning, and are nice now, but they are not the core of me keeping my sobriety. And if I want to find a meeting, there are plenty of options out there.

[lifeafteratransplant]

Health Anxiety & Trying to Get Into a Routine

Life, is hard. No doubt about it, and having a crazy, stressful schedule is not making it any easier, obviously.

No I don't have kids, but I have a husband, two animals, and myself. Lab/blood draw appointments every Monday, grocery shopping, taking my photography classes, taking my dog to vet for whatever reason, taking him to the groomers, making sure I visit with my mom, and talk to my family back in Iowa, it all comes down on me, and yeah it might not seem as hard as raising a kid, but it is hard for me.

I am double organ transplant recipatant. Which means that I have health anxiety through the roof sometimes. I have to check my blood levels every week just tp make sure I am ok. I hope that it isn't like that forever but I have been through 3 rejections in the 2 years since I had my transplant. Every time was terrifying. This last time was the scariest thought, cause it wasn't just my pancreas it was my kidney too. The thought of loosing my kidney made me sob, and my heart jump out of my chest. My pancreas has been touchy since the get-go. If I loose that I would become diabetic again, which I can handle. Loosing my kidney would me I would have to go back on dialysis and for me that isn't an option. They have used the strongest rejection drugs on me as the possibly can, 3 times now. Meaning that I cannot take them again. Imagine that in the back of your head 24/7, not fun.

This anxiety that I carry makes it hard to make plans, be in public, affects relationships, and causes deep depression and loneliness. I live in a state where this not a lot to do. With my multiple rejections, I haven't been able to hold a job, So basically I am a stay home wife, and that is not something I thought I would ever be. I'm not saying that is bad by any means, but I NEED to have a job to feel like I am contributing to society some how. It becomes very lonely and I fall into a state of depression where it is hard to get out of sometimes.

That is where the second half of the title of this blog post comes in. Trying to have a routine is so important. You have better sleep, which helps your mood, and you energy levels, which helps you get done that shit that needs to get done. I wake up about 8:30-9 every morning, and as of recently try to have breakfast. Whether it be a smoothie, toast and fruit, eggs and bacon. Something in my stomach always helps. Also I take a lot of meds so that is important to have food in your system when taking those. From there, I usually get on the computer check my emails, scroll Facebook, and then look at what I need to do around the house. I am ALWAYS cleaning it seems, I have two pets, both who shed like crazzzzy! Vacuuming every day or every other day is a must, and moping at least once a week. I cooke a lot so constantly loading and unloading the dishwasher, and cleaning the stove and counter tops. The list goes on. After the cleaning is done, I watch my photography courses, do some laundry, make myself lunch, and as of recently I had to put together a whole list of documents for my husband's immigration lawyer so he can get his 10 year green card. Some days I run into town to run errands, like doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, pick up medications, and as of recently furniture shopping. (I'll explain that in another post) I find that just having a list of things to do and crossing them off really helps me.

Everyone's life is different, so that means every routine will look different. Don't model your life after someone else's, you do what works best for you and your schedule. Know your limits, take the time to rest and take care of yourself and life will start to get, maybe not easier, but let's say peaceful. Find solitude and happiness in the little things, and don't take yourself so seriously. Always take care of YOU first, then you can give your best self to the ones you love.

Much love,

Karli

[no-one-picked-maris]

Preparing for An Organ Transplant is Exhausting & I Hate How All the Resources are for People Who Weren't Born Sick and Aren't Used to it.

It's SO SO SO exhausting. I'm sick all the time from vaccine reactions (fever/chills in an hour, ALWAYS). I got woozy after bloodwork and fainted (22 vials! the phlebotomist accidentally dropped one and I nearly cried).

The largest issue for me, tho, is the fact that all of the resources, community, and connection are people who haven't been sick in this way before. This is often their first time being seriously sick and they feel a sense of novel fear I don't relate to. I've been chronically ill my entire life, I don't know any other way to live.

I don't have the time or energy to teach people how to be chronically ill. I learned how by myself, as a child. It's possible. It's not fun and it's hard. I don't feel supported or listened to in these transplant spaces, I just feel like a teacher. I get no support because I'm considered an "expert" at being chronically ill - I just support everyone else. "How do I this?" "How do I that?" "Do you have any helpful tips?"

I also feel wildly condescended too because the organ transplant team and my nephrologist don't actually work together, so the organ transplant team (I guess rightfully?) assumes that I don't know things I know.

I'm just so statistically unlikely they don't remember or account for my past experience.

Oh, and I got poked up the wazoo today and of course I have a fuckin fever.

[stuffromymind]

Canada’s Top 20 Bands (Excludes Solo Acts)

I stumbled on this list but it pissed me off so much, I was gonna share it with some friends but the email got outta hand soooo...

This list is hurting, definitely in the wrong order, but it's TOTALLY invalidated by #20 and #8.

20: Simple Plan: F-. The plan is quite simple: "Let's SUCK!". Pedo Pop. They sang love songs to 10 to 14 year old girls at their gigs. I met Bob Rock, who produced one of their albums, at a bar once during a set break. I went up to his table, said hi and asked: “Can I buy you a drink Bob?”

“No thanks, I’m good.”

“Okay, I just thought you might be hard up for cash since you took a gig working on Simple Plan’s last album......”

The whole table burst out laughing, Paul Hyde, (his partner and lead singer in The Payollas/Rock&Hyde), burst out laughing, slapped me on the back and said: “OH HE GOT YOU BOB! Good one mate!”

Bob smiled at me and said: “Fuck you, man.”

He gave me a wave later that night as he walked out to his black Escalade, smiled and said, “Have a good night.”

He knew I was right.

I’d need money for lung transplants for an orphanage full of kids who grew up next to a trash incinerator before I’d help to unleash more Simple Plan on the world. Seriously.

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19: Saga: C.  The fashion says it all. Bar band who wrote mostly ok songs. I don’t remember any. They weren’t bad... just..... “eh?”

Nice Eddie VH, “No Bozos”, shirt for stoner dude, Mr. Zebra Pants. I think the guy beside him mighta been dealing with a chubby. The dude playing pocket pool, who came directly from his shift at the car wash? That’s rock.

I’m making this up as I write.....I’m going to bet that the guy in the white suit is the keyboard player. I’d bet on it. I’ve always been able to walk into any venue and spot the keyboard player immediately.

No lie. This just occurred to me.

In fact, I’m gonna go on a hunt and see if I’m right. brb............

HAHAHHAH!! I knew it! I don’t know how I always know, but I DO!

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18: New Pornographers: ?. Respected by their peers. Not my kinda thang.I couldn’t even I.D. one of their songs if you played it to me. Def other bands that should bump them from this list.

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17: Sum 41: B. Was better than a lotta pop punk, (damning with faint praise), but $$ and substances made them flail. Their first album and promo clips were catchy as Hell. Got pretty metal AF towards the end though, dammit. They were good enough to record with Iggy Pop so you can't say shit, really.

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16: Metric: D+. Considering the bands that are missing here? Geddafuckatta here! Never failed to leave me vigoursly unimpressed.

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15: April Wine: B-. Had some undeniably good songs. Worked a gig they played in the 90s. Mercer on drums may have been a reincarnated Viking. Hella nice guy. Good dudes. Unlike Trooper who were unrepentant, 'rawk star' pricks.

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14: Triumph: B+. Def had some memorable melodies. Killer musicians. Not my cuppa tea ultimately. Rik Emmet could rip. Watched him play a solo album show in a university cafeteria, from 10 feet away, 5 years after their famous US Festival gig in front of 300,000. Crowd was smaller. A bit.

-

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13: Cowboy Junkies: C. Nice. If you like whispering and don't belch too often or have a cat that likes to purr, (you'll miss hearing the songs if you do). If you like dynamics or being conscious? Best in small doses.

They tried to rock up their sound.  Kinda like getting nuns to dress in lingerie and work the pole in church: Didn't take. 

I did have a crush on Margot though. Quirky is cool... 

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12: Loverboy: 1st Album: A. After that D+. "Hey! Ballads make money! Cheese is tasty! Let's crank out soft fromage!” Large mistake. Almost as large as Mike’s bandana.

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11: Barenaked Ladies: B. Yeah, talented. Yeah, apparently put on a good live show in the early days. Yeah their Bruce Cockburn cover that got them started is quite exswellent. But tried too hard to be "wacky!" and I could never stand Page. Just.....no.

Just one of those people that utterly rubs one the wrong way through no intent of their own.

-

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10: Voivod: A-. A minus only cuz I just don't digg'em. Trailblazers, original, inimitable: Yup. Just not for me. Jason Newstead played with them for a while, (the nicest Metallicat), so that's says sumpin'.

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9: BTO: A. I can play a snippet of 4 of their songs that I guarantee anyone with ears and a few ounces of skullmeat between those ears will recognize at least one of them. Not many bands can say that. Plus, one of their biggest songs was a joke song by Randy Bachman making fun of his brother's stutter, (which is honestly kind of a dick move but it works).

-

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8: Nickelback: F- - -  Times Infinity. Are you fukking kidding me?! Whoever* made this list eats a bowl of dirt with cheese for breakfast, a plate of shit with cheese for lunch, and a block of mouldy cheese garnished with melted cheese and seal vomit for supper. He has no taste.

Canada and Oilberta should apologize for this stain. If the logic is, “Popularity = Greatness”, then the author of the original list should be in the local dog park on his knees with a fork 'cuz 3 trillion flies say shit is good eating.

I mean, what kind of DICK kicks out a member of the band you all started in highschool and then sues him for his royalties? A dick like Chad, that’s who.

I saw them open for Big Wreck in a bar in 98 when all we knew is the ‘Guy who looks like Jesus is a hack and the band is 4th rate Nirvana.” That was our appraisal.

When they broke world wide and Big Wreck didn’t? I gave up on the music industry and any chance there’s a Sky Friend. Chad Croaker even made Ian Thornely’s songs sound generic as producer. That is some Hellspawned, evil “talent” right there.

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7. Skinny Puppy: A. Never been a rabid fan but is one of those bands you might not be aware of, but that bands you love totally love them! Kinda like there's no Nirvana without Pixies sorta thing: No Ministry without S.P.

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6: Blue Rodeo: C at outset. Don't much know 'bout last 30 years of output, honestly. They wrote a classic song called “Try". Every band would like to write one song that hits like that.  #6 Though? Nahhhhh.

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5. The Guess Who: C. I'm sorry. I just can’t stand their "hits". Burton, in the 60s before they made it big - was a rawk star twat to 2 members of my family and everyone else in the joint. I met him 3 decades later, introduced by a radio DJ who liked my band.

He was SO deep in his gambling addiction, plugging Twonies into a slot machine like it was the Titanic and he was trying to stop it sinking, that he didn't even look up. Just said, "Hey how's it going?", while staring at the screen and pulling coins from his plastic bowl like an automaton.

At least this lead to B.T.O. which should be WAYY higher than The Guess Who.

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4. Arcade Fire: C-. Yeah, No. I've tried. If you needed a group you can sum up in the phrase, "Up their own arses”? This is your band.

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3. Tragically Hip: A+. If you don't own Fully Completely, (recorded at Abbey Road)? You're a dick. Were they WAY overrated as a live band? Hell yeah! Except for Gord pushing his imaginary lawn mower around the stage, doing laundry and being generally odd -as I recall from the 1994 Another Roadside Attraction tour with Danny Lanois, Midnight Oil and The Pursuit Of Happiness- the band was Nyquil for the eyes. They rocked your ears but visually, they’d have been the ideal live band for Ray Charles or Helen Keller.

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2. The Band: A. Another of those bands that if you erased them from existence, another 40 bands would vanish instantly. Don't own any of their music but you can't deny talent and influence.

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1. Rush: A+. Well, duh. I will say that Ged's vocal style kept me away for the most part till their last 3 albums when his tone and timbre changed/dropped from the registers he resided in and he started projecting less from his schnoz.

They're each cool, down to earth blokes and most exswellent Hoser ambassadors. Would have liked to have met Neil.... wish I'd mailed the letter I wrote after I read his Ghostrider book. They don't deserve to be on the same list as Simple Plan and Nickelhack, speaking of which:

* "A Chicago native, Jeff Mezydlo has professionally written about sports, entertainment and pop culture for nearly 30 years....If he could do it again, he'd attend Degrassi Junior High"

That explains it! A meathead, jock himbo! Nickelhack's core fanbase.

Fuhk me running!

This list should have included:

Big Wreck, (Never put out a bad album in 2 1/2 decades). Ian Thornley has pipes for days and can flay the skin from your skull with his guitar playing.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLE672AEDCFAD9B04B

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Headstones, (You won't find many rock/punk bands with more pointed, well written lyrics delivered with more piss 'n venom). Hugh followed me when I was on Twitter. Like minded, nice guy’d who prefer people at a distance I guess. I especially enjoyed seeing him on the last tour deal with an iZombie staring at his device, front row:

“Okay! You got your picture? Put your goddamn phone away!”

iZombie just smiles at his screen while pointing his device/appendage at Hugh’s face. Hugh simply SWATS the phone away, sending it slamming to the floor. Show continued. Aces.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2NAU6h-pv4UbxUpNSAn5yKUeTrGH_vpZ

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Red Rider/"Tom Cochrane & Red Rider", As Far As Siam....Neruda. Come on....

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLA0256E754745F02C

and...

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Danko -Fecking- Jones. Hello? Degrassi boy puts some of the stains he chose on this list and not Danko? Twat. Stood 4 feet away at a small club in a backwards part of the country many moons ago. I was spitting the words back as loud as the PA. caught Mr. J’s eye and a smirk a few times. Ripping live band. They’re Big in Europe.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL23C355E32E0D8BA9

Any and all of these just mentioned instead of #20 and #8, and a few others should be on any “Best Canadian Bands list. Seriously.

The author, like I said: Himbo, jock, Fuh. Kup.

If you wanna see the original commentary of the sports writer and teen drama fan?

https://www.yardbarker.com/entertainment/articles/the_best_canadian_rock_bands_of_all_time/s1__37691537#slide_1

[niennandil-me-writes]

Fragments of a Cybernetic Mind: Chapter 8 - Plausible Deniability

Summary Half a year has passed since the events of Christmas of 2064. The world is slowly adjusting to sentient ROMs. But Turing is distracted from their task as ROM-kind’s leader and ambassador by another obligation they carry. They want to deliver Leon Dekker’s last words to his daughter. But first, they’ll have to find her, which doesn’t prove easy. They ask their journalist friend for help, who seems less than thrilled.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 (final) Epilogue

cn: dehumanization, discussions of suicide

Melody Flores expects us at her villa with the small couch table laden with delicate pastries, cakes decorated with little marzipan flowers, and tea with milk. The doors to the garden are closed, air conditioning running on high power for the sake of Pat the polar bear. Coming inside after traveling through the hot streets of Neo-SF, it truly does feel like stepping from summer into winter.

Melody was very excited when we asked if we could come over. She seems happy to see Turing again, who she has asked all sorts of questions, like one would a child relative. She seems to take the aunt role she assigned herself very seriously.

I sit in one of the comfortable cushioned chairs, a plate in my hands and the robotic cat sleeping on my lap. Pat is eyeing me suspiciously, and I wonder if I took the last piece of his favorite cake. I take a sip of tea and consider how I can broach the topic we came here for.

"But oh, where are my manners," Melody says as she turns from Turing to me. “I’ve been talking to my favorite nephew/niece for an hour and completely ignored my other guest.”

“It’s alright,” I say politely. “You two have a lot of catching up to do.”

“But let me ask you, how is your writing coming along?”

I really wish people would find any other thing to ask me about. “It’s coming along fine.” Which, for once, isn’t a lie. Last week, I started on that chapter I’ve been putting off for ages, and for the first time in a month, I actually made progress. 

“I was wondering if you would let me read through it before it gets published,” Melody says while playing with a lock of white hair. “Just to make sure I’m getting a nice treatment by your text, after the help I provided.” She winks at me. The words are meant as a joke, but something about the way she says it catches me off guard.

“That shouldn’t be a problem,” Turing grins. “After all, they’ll let me proofread the entire thing as well. Not that I know much about writing styles and narratives. My gifts are more in the visual arts than the written word.”

“And what gifts they are,” Melody chimes. “I do adore the painting you sent me for my birthday. I had Pat hang it up above my bed.”

Pat growls lazily.

“There is something we wanted to ask of you, Ms Flores,” I interject.

“Please, darling, call me Melody.”

“Alright, Melody. We wanted to ask you something regarding the combat android who worked for Dr Fairlight,” I say.

“Ask away, darling, though I don’t know if I will be of any help,” Melody says. “I do owe you my thanks for disposing of it.”

I notice the discomfort on Turing’s face screen and decide to get right to the point. “We are trying to find his family. His family before the brain transplant, that is. And since it was your company that conducted that transplant, we assume you have access to that information?”

Melody thinks for a moment. “I fear that won’t be possible.”

I falter. “But... his family signed a contract with your company to give consent to the procedure. Their contact info must be saved somewhere in your files, right?”

“Sadly, all that data got deleted when our servers malfunctioned some years after the international ban on BACs,” Melody explains. “There might still be a way to retrieve that information, but it would take weeks, if not months, to find it, not to speak of the work I would have to put into that. It would cost a small fortune.” She thinks again. “But how about we make a little deal. One that will be little effort on your part. I just want to look through your manuscript and read that flowery description of the help I was to the uncovering of the Big Blue project.”

“Wait a second...”

“It seems only fair,” Turing says. “After all, Aunt Melody did get us in contact with Vincent Mensa. And without him, we wouldn’t have been able to put the pieces of the puzzle together.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not giving up my journalistic integrity for you.” My whole body is tensing up. The cat wakes up and jumps off my lap. 

“Not even if I could find out the name and address of Wilson Dekker’s family?” she asks. 

A cold stemming from more than the air-conditioning runs through me. I look over at Turing. “I’ll consider your offer.”

“And since we are already discussing this,” Melody continues. “If you are planning to get in contact with the deceased android’s family, it seems like a good idea if you left out the part about his involvement, right? Spare them that connection to this whole ordeal.”

I stare at her. She just keeps twirling her hair, smiling, as if we both didn’t know what she’s asking. 

“Your connection, you mean, Ms Flores?”

“Please,” she laughs. “My company hasn’t been producing BACs for quite some time now.” She makes a throw-away gesture with her hand. “It was under the leadership of my mother that they were created, and as soon as I took over – “

“The use of BACs in the military was banned within the year,” I interrupt her. “You cannot take credit for stopping their production. You were already on the board when they were mass-produced.”

Melody Flores fixes me with a cold stare. “I always worked on demilitarizing Flower Cybernetics and turning our attention to medical applications of the tech instead. If I could, I would have done it sooner, but I did have to wait for my mother to move out of the picture. She ruled the company with an iron fist.”

“That is true,” Turing chimes in. “Aunt Melody is very well known in tech circles for the changes she made to the company as soon as she acquired it. I feel you are being a bit unfair here.”

I look down, embarrassed, but still agitated. “It doesn’t change the fact that your company made its profits from military tech for years, Ms Flores, and on combat androids in particular. You might not have personally done that, but your money - the money that paid for this house - came from the exploitation of economically disenfranchised people who couldn���t afford healthcare or student loans.”

A smile cracks the ice of Melody Flores’ face. “Is that something you assume or did you do your research?”

“I did.” I spent a lot of time on the meshnet these past days, looking up articles on this very topic. “There is a lot of fear on the mesh of combat androids, Ms Flores. Is that why you don’t want me to add my account? Is that why you had your company’s data destroyed? So any crimes connected to brain-controlled combat androids couldn’t definitively be traced to Flower Cybernetics?”

“Even if those accounts were true, I can hardly be held responsible for that.”

“But people will,” I say. “It’s still your company, and with the shares comes the responsibility.”

“Be that as it may, most references to rogue BACs committing crimes of any kind are nothing but rumors and exaggerations,” Flores continues. “As a journalist, you should know how to check your sources.”

“During my research I found countless articles from trustworthy sources on those ‘rogue BACs’ as you call them.” My hands are trembling, like they did last night when I read up on this. “Just for one example, right after the war, there was an android returning home and proceeding to kill his own husband with an axe – “

“Isolated exceptions blown out of proportion by the scandal-hungry media,” Flores responds.

“Was Leon Dekker an exception?” I ask.

“Leon Dekker was paid by Yannick Fairlight to murder anyone who stood in the way of his schemes,” she says. “Which is what you should be focusing on. It was him, not me, who ordered that monster to kill you. I feel you are forgetting that.”

“He didn’t kill for money, and we both know that.” I’ve risen from my seat, standing in front of Melody Flores. Behind me, Pat the ice bear grumbles, but I ignore him. “You thanked us for killing that monster your company created, Ms Flores. Did you know that he did as well? That he screamed out in joy when he was finally allowed to die?”

My hands are shaking, blood running cold. I stare at her. Something in her face clears up, she relaxes back in her chair. I want to throw something at her.

“I understand now where that anger comes from,” she says. “Though I still don’t think I deserve to have it taken out on me. You’re not angry at me for letting the killing machines I had no hand in creating run wild, are you? You are angry because you empathize with them. With him.”

I stare at her, and I realize she is right. I look over at Turing like I’m asking for help, but they have turned away, obviously uncomfortable with the whole situation, like a child watching family members argue. 

Before I can think of anything to say, she continues: “Well, you can’t have it both ways: If you see them as humans worthy of empathy, then they must also be responsible for their own decisions.”

I force out a dry laugh. “I’d like to see you make good decisions if your life had been made a cybernetic hell.” I sigh and turn to Turing.  “We’re leaving.”

“But what about – “ They seem close to tears, as much as a ROM can be, anyway.

I cut Turing off, turning to her again: “I’m not writing a propaganda piece for your company, Ms Flores. And I’m not signing that NDA you no doubt had your lawyers prepare the moment we asked to come over for tea.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she chuckles. “I had that thing written ages ago. I was about to contact you myself when you asked for this appointment. I thought if you were suddenly so eager to come by, I might have something that interests you enough to be a bargaining chip. I was wrong, and I accept that. Though my offer still stands.”

“We’ll find the information ourselves, thanks,” I say, taking Turing by the hand and leading them to the door. 

“Good luck on that.” She chuckles again. 

I remember Lexi’s words about Dekker’s records being heavily redacted. Now I know that wasn’t just Fairlight, or the military. We are going to need that luck.

[heretherebedork]

Are there any specific BL shows you would recommend to someone just getting into the genre?

Hmmm. This is always a hard one for me! Because there are so amazing ones but so many of them should come with warning and also if I start on the really good ones what happens when you finish those and realize the rest aren't that great?

Also, how do I give advice without knowing who I'm advising and their taste? That's the biggest issue for me with an 'intro course' because you never know what people like and don't like. There are people who hate every. single. show. I've recommended here.

Now, to clarify, I started on what I call the Netflix route. I watch The Untamed and then SOTUS and then found Viki and watched Love By Chance and that got me into the fandom. Would that work for everyone? Not a chance. But it just goes to show you that anything can get someone into a fandom if that's what they like.

So this is a list of BL shows i feel show the best of the industry... and a few on the list that are there because they show you what MOST of the industry is like as well. Take a sampling. Try a few shows. Don't limit yourself to any single country or genre. Sample.

There's SO much out there. You never know where your taste may take you. Search BL on My Drama List. Ask multiple people for where to get started. Look at gifsets on here and see what appeals. My taste may not be your taste, my idea of amazing may not be yours, my idea of the best of the best may not fit in with what you like.

So... ANYWAY. Disclaimer out of the way! Here's my list of where to start based on what I think is a good intro to BL itself through amazing shows and also trope-filled shows.

1. A Tale of A Thousand Stars: The story of a rich young man who needs a heart transplant, gets it from a young woman who was a volunteer teacher in a poor village and falls in love with one of the soldiers in the village. Absolutely lovely. Just fantastic. Gorgeous characters, amazing setting, fantastic story. Seriously. This will spoil you for a lot of lesser shows but if you start with it you'll know how good the genre can get.

2. Cherry Magic: Adachi is an office worker who considers himself awkward and boring and not very good at anything... until he turns 30, gains the power to read minds from being a virgin and discovers that the top worker at his office, Kurosawa, has a huge crush on him. The softest, sweetest, most gentle BL and just fantastic. Highest of the high recommendations. Seriously. A great place to start.

3. He's Coming to Me: Mes is a ghost. He's been dead for a long time. And Thun has been visiting, and seeing him, since he was a child. When Thun is going to University, he ends up taking Mes with him and their real adventure begins. Warning for death but holy shit is this one good. So good. Absolutely amazing and wonderful, plot-driven, a need to watch show.

4. Until We Me Again: WARNING: SUICIDE AND DEATH. In and Korn were forbidden lovers 30 years ago. Dean and Pharm dream of them every night and recognize each other on sight. Fate brings them together but can fate really lead to true love? An amazing show, absolutely beautiful, deep characters, deep plot, filled to the brim with emotion and highly recommended but heed the warning, okay?

5. Be Loved In House: I Do: When Shi Lei's new boss, Yu Zhen, takes over the jewelry store and introduces a rule that everyone working there must be single, Shi Lei is ready to throw hands for his friends. So what happens when he slowly finds himself falling in love with that strange man? This is just such a soft little show, filled with joy and softness and idiots. Absolutely a great place to start yourself on Taiwen BL.

6. All the Korean BL movies: I know that this is just a label but, like, literally all of these are soft and short and a great place to start to just get a feel for the shows coming out of Korea. Not as trope-y but just generally... good. ALWAYS watch the movie version.

Wish You: Tiny musician catches the eye of someone working for a record label

Where Your Eyes Linger: Bodyguard and the boy he guards

To My Star: Puppy movie star (who's more neurotic than he lets on) meets stiff chef (who's softer than he lets on)

Color Rush: In a world where a portion of the population can only see in shades of grey until they meet the person that lets them see in color... and are considered dangerous for this... a mono meet a probe. The best of the bunch!

Mr Heart: A marathon runner has stopped winning and another young man is hired to help him get back to winning. Honestly the weakest of these in my humble opinion.

Nobleman Ryu's Wedding: Historical Idiots being historically soft and historically stupid. That's is. Young man dresses as a woman to cover up that his sister ran away from an important marriage but the groom ends up loving him regardless.

7. Light on Me: A student who's never had a friend is convinced to at least give it a try and joins the student council where he meets a sweet young man, a jokester and an awkward and confrontational young man... and there's a lover triangle because what else would there be? Oh, this one is SO good and so soft and very emotional and sweet and has a fantastic love triangle and introduces you to tropes very smartly. Definitely a good place to slip into the genre and see how the tropes get played.

8. Ingredients: A chef lives with a musician and takes care of him every turn. Yes, it's an extended ad series. But it's also soft BL filled with every trope imaginable and it's a good place to just let yourself get used to Thai BL and how it feels.

9. Oxygen: When a rich young man who can't sleep finds himself at a coffee shop in the middle of the night, there's no way he expected to meet the love of his life. But when the barista offers him warm milk to help him sleep? He's lost. I put this one on here with a few reservations because there's a side pairing that is just horrible (skip all scenes with the doctors and the coffee shop coworker for your own good, okay?) but the rest of the show is just so good and so soft and I love it so much.

10. My Engineer: A sassy freshman meets a senior engineering student who is SERIOUSLY into getting sassed. A quiet introvert meets an extrovert who refuses to give up. One friend has been pining for years and has decided friendship is good enough. This one, again, goes on with reservations. It's a good start for getting into most of the more typical Thai BLs. Gives you the regular tropes, gives you the more typical relationship and friendship things... This is a good place to start if you want to be prepared for most of what you're going to watch, frankly.

There. I'll stop there. I think that's a good set. @absolutebl may have some more ideas? I kinda went basic on this list, no denials. And maybe a bit weird as well. No denials.

[vvienne]

XICHENG FIC RECS

hold my hands by Snooze (Chiruka)

Transplanting a core into a new person isn’t without repercussions. One year after the events at Guanyin Temple, Jiang Cheng found himself once again faced with the possibility of losing everything he had. Reconciling with his brother, learning to let Jin Ling go, and dealing with his blooming emotions toward the First Jade of Gusu — will Jiang Cheng accomplish what he wants before time runs out?

it all passes someday by screamlet

A week before the anniversary of Wei Wuxian’s death, there was a commotion outside Lan Wangji’s house.

*

Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji over the years.

The Unlikely Expression of Love by manamune

When everything has settled, when everyone else has moved on with their lives and their friends, Jiang Cheng has a realization which shouldn’t actually be a surprise:

He’s lonely.

Indigo, lavender, and violet (I don't wanna be red) by ohwhatevrewhatevr

It, in the pale colors of the late morning, is the closest to perfect Jiang Cheng will ever reach. He strokes Lan XiChen's hair and presses a light kiss to where his ribbon and hair meet. The sky is a pale blue, and the pastels of flowers and clouds are spread out through the window, a brilliant world waiting for them, them in the gentian house, safe from stronger breezes - there is the clutter of birds fluttering and chirping outside. It is a warm, perfect, spring morning.

Jiang Cheng and Lan XiChen have been together for an year. In which, no one ever really gets over things, Jiang Cheng has the misfortune of interacting with his brother, the juniors help out with the proposal, and there's a marriage.

Altitude by starknjarvis 

When Jin Ling lures Jiang Cheng to the Cloud Recesses under false pretenses, he finds himself out of place among this new family Wei Wuxian has formed.

Lan Xichen, at least, seems pleased to have his company.

Perhaps there is still a chance for Jiang Cheng to make amends and move forward.

[Modao Zushi Online] GLITCH REPORT: My Brother Got Chased Down And %$@*$&@ By Gusu Dungeon Boss??? by oh_fudgecakes

Modao Zushi Online is a virtual reality MMORPG. Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian are top ranking players in its new server, currently tied with their arch-nemesis from their previous server, Wen Chao. In an attempt to defeat him, they take on the Gusu Dungeon Boss, Zewu-jun, to win the reward of a legendary weapon. Ever the cheat, Wei Wuxian tries to take advantage of a glitch to defeat the seemingly undefeatable boss. It backfires. Jiang Cheng gets fucked by a boss monster.

He can't get enough.

Meanwhile, Lan Xichen, the unwitting staff member in charge of controlling Zewu-jun, absolutely did not sign up to be pulled into a secret virtual reality fling with a player. Mod Ji, who has to deal with Wei Wuxian's incessant glitch reporting of his brother's sex life, is long-suffering.

Mulberry by xxdz

Jiang Cheng grits his teeth and pushes harder. He feels like torn silk, the embroidery needle sinking in again and again and again; patiently, desperately, endlessly trying to make something beautiful out of something broken.

Jiang Cheng builds his sect, learns embroidery, and raises his nephew.

we can raise a little family by lanyon

“Well, brother,” says Wei Wuxian, leaning against the outside of Jiang Cheng’s chambers. “I had heard that you and Xichen went on a night hunt and came back with a baby, which is not the order I’d choose to do things in…”

In which Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen acquire a baby of unknown origin, and are the very last to know what it means.

Beyond the Impossible by Silverine

Summoned by Lan Qiren, Jiang Wanyin goes to the Cloud Recesses to drop his nephew Jin Ling, expecting to discuss relevant matters with his old master. Instead, he's asked to take with him no other than Sect Leader Lan himself, all the way back to Lotus Pier. If the reason why he accepted such an outrageous task is indeed a mystery, he's about to be surprised by how this entire trip, their encounters, and his warm company, suddenly feel fated.

Incrementally by xxdz

Jiang Cheng is trapped in a day on repeat where he begins by waking in Zewu Jun’s bed at dawn and ends by dying painfully at dusk.

It’s getting very irritating, and he has the sneaking suspicion that his chances to solve his own murder are rapidly running out. Soon, his death will be much more permanent.

All in all, worst birthday ever.

Audience of One by WinterDreams

“Then let an established star go first,” Lan Xichen interrupts again before Lan Wangji can give a stubborn reply. Both men twist toward Lan Xichen, and he smiles at Wei Wuxian’s tilted head. “If I publicly date a man for awhile first, your engagement shouldn’t receive as much backlash.”

Or, that AU where everyone is famous in some way or another, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji have been dating in private for years, and Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng pretend to date publicly for their brothers' sake.

A Bit of Ruthlessness by jirluvien

When Jiang Cheng hears that Lan Xichen went into seclusion following Jin Guangyao’s death, it’s almost as if he can see the grabby hands of a restless ghost, reaching out for something to keep him company. For something warm and living and devastated. And as history has proved time and time again, the Lans are perfect victims when it comes to giving in to ghosts.Yeah, no. Not on Jiang Cheng’s fucking watch.A story about grief, determination, unexpected friendships, abandoned watchtowers, and letters. So many letters.

All Tied Up In You by Clearpearls

Yet again, the night had come to this:

Jiang Cheng on the floor, kneeling, Zidian wrapped around his wrists.

Alone.

Thank You, and I'm Sorry by Hamliet

Jin GuangYao might be dead, but his story is not. Taking advantage of the chaos he instigated, someone makes an attempt on the life of the young new leader of the Jin Sect. When Jiang Cheng takes Jin Ling to the Cloud Recesses to have him study while he attempts to work with Wei WuXian and his husband Lan WangJi to eliminate the threat, he encounters a mourning Lan XiChen, lovestruck teenagers, and a persistent corpse--and both pairs of brothers find themselves struggling to move on.

saturn's rings (don't be a heartbreaker) by iskendaris

Set after the seige of burial mounds, Yunmeng rebuilds as they hold the first Discussion Conference at Lotus Pier. Sometimes the night is a gift, a refuge for loneliness. "So stern, Sect Leader Jiang," Lan Xichen murmured, "So glacial... What will it take to melt that icy exterior? What can I say?"

"Nothing. There's nothing you can say or offer."

reciprocity by jukeboxhound

There’s a pause before Lan Xichen says, in a tone that’s a little more neutral, “I would like to paint on you.”

“…What?”

“Of course, if you say ‘yes’ but then change your mind at any point, for any reason, you need only say so and I will stop immediately,” he adds.

Well, silver lining: Jiang Cheng is feeling much more awake than he was a moment ago.

Talent Hunt Crew Finds Angry Guy Shouting On College Campus, Recruits Him For Vocal Projection Abilities by oh_fudgecakes

Jiang Cheng, resident Angry Guy and heir to a conglomerate empire, has never been the apple of his father’s eye. Quashed under the shadow of his brilliant brother, the music prodigy Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng sees his chance to turn things around when he is recruited by the All-Stars Lan Talent Hunt. One problem: he can’t sing to save his goddamn life.

As he struggles to develop his nascent singing abilities, Jiang Cheng finds himself sucked into the whirlwind drama of reality TV, helped along by his adoring siblings, his irritable vocal coach Wen Qing, and strangely enough, the unfairly attractive host of the All-Stars Lan Talent Hunt, Lan Xichen. Somewhere in the glare of the stage lights and an unexpected first love, Jiang Cheng stumbles upon the thing he was searching for all along: the courage to dream — and to attempt the impossible.

Marginal Costs by ohwhatevrewhatevr

“You think you know what you want, Er-Ge,” A-Yao says. “But you should consider what you’re willing to give first,” he says wryly, taking Lan XiChen’s chess piece with slim, skilled fingers.

Lan XiChen looks up at A-Yao’s concentrated expression and the hint of contentment on his face that he is special enough to be allowed to see.

“It’s not just one decision, but the lead up to many more. One decision decides what else you’re going to have to pay, and each time you have to ask yourself, ignoring the sunk costs, if this time it’s worth it as well.”

When his sworn brother looks up at him with those clear, amber eyes, waiting, Lan XiChen feels the pull and gives in: he asks.

“Are you happy being in love?”

(First half is two sad sworn brothers talking, internally mourning how unfortunate their other sworn brother’s death was :/ and second half is when a mopey boy in blue meets an angsty boy in purple whilst chasing a demonic cultivator, and a lil bit of sexy dual cultivation happens.)

Somewhat Tender by theherocomplex

There is no defense against kindness; it has always undone him.

I didn't expect you to be lonely (too) by bettydice (BettyKnight)

Jiang Cheng's life is a mess, he's a mess, and he doesn't miss his brother at all. So when his sister gifts him ten sessions with a massage therapist, who turns out to be someone he was crushing on for a hot minute as a teenager and is still as hot as ever... yeah, that might as well happen. It won't have to mean anything.

This feels intimate to Jiang Cheng in a way that's probably very inappropriate and maybe even pathetic. Nobody touches him like this, right where he’s hurt the most. There's no one who handles him so gently, so carefully.

It's the gentleness that's his undoing, he thinks. He would be able to deal better with it if it was painful.

Life for Rent by yodasyoyo

“Yeah well. You’re not taking me seriously. This guy is my soulmate!”

“Soulmate.” Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

“Just because you don’t believe in them—”

“I believe in them!” Jiang Cheng says. “I’ve never denied they exist.”

“Just last week you said that it was an evolutionary quirk that had been used by greetings card companies, movie makers, and corporations to exploit lonely and vulnerable people.”

“And I stand by it! That doesn’t mean that soulmates aren’t real. Just incredibly unlikely and probably pointless.

-

Or:

Xicheng vs Soulmates. Fight!

Halfway Around the World by theherocomplex

Normally, Jiang Cheng would be seething, jaw clenched tight, if someone sounded like that while they were talking, but — Lan Xichen has the trick of always making you feel like you're in on the joke, whatever the joke is. That you're laughing together.

Whelmed by yodasyoyo

For months now Jiang Cheng’s been idly fantasizing about how it would be if something were to come between Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. Mostly those daydreams have been simple enough — they break up (probably because Lan Zhan is boring or Wei Ying is annoying), Wei Ying is sad for a couple of days (Jiang Cheng’s willing to allow some space for feelings, he isn't a total monster), but then Wei Ying realizes he’s better off, he gets over it, and Jiang Cheng gets his brother back.

Unfortunately the fantasy version of events has only proven partially true, so far. They've broken up. Wei Ying has been sad.

Now weeks have passed, though — and Wei Ying is still sad, every. Single. Day.

It’s like Jiang Cheng's stuck in a looping GIF, and it’s driving him insane.

Or:

Jiang Cheng plots, Lan Huan pines, and, unfortunately for Lan Qiren, Wangxian are inevitable.

[the-phoenix-heart]

10 Amazing Futurama Comics

There is a severe lack of Futurama content on this and other sites (seriously, the Night at the Museum movies have more fics than Futurama). And, nobody posts about the Futurama comics. So I’m posting 10 of my favorites.

10. Attack of the 50-Foot Amy (Issue #33)

It’s actually not as sexual as the cover makes it out to be. The basic premise is that Amy mistakes the can of growth spray (that Cubert and Dwight want to use for their science fair project) for hair spray and sprays waaaay too much before her anniversary date with Kif. Meanwhile, Bender teaches Fry the wonders of video piracy, but after he gets scared by a movie home alone style he eats his disc of pirated movies and starts uncontrollably acting them out. You can probably guess how these two plots connect.

While I do list this one as one of my favorites, it’s far from perfect. The artwork is good, but the scaling on Amy is very wonky so she looks more like a twenty-foot Amy (also Dwight’s eyes are drawn weird in this comic, he looks blazed out the entire time). But I cannot help but be charmed by this comic. It’s got some sweet Bender and Fry friendship moments and actually makes me believe Kif and Amy’s relationship for a little bit. They are very sweet in this comic, although Kif does go through some pain in this comic.

Best moments: They way they resolve the plot is actually pretty funny and clever, plus Bender hopped up on pirated movies is a joy. At one point Fry gets shoved by Steven Spielbot (don’t ask) and Bender goes all Rocky on his ass saying “No one talks to my gal, Adrian, like that!” It’s very sweet and...subtextual if you understand my meaning. This one also has anti comic book piracy message at the end which was ironic for me to read.

9. Doctor What (Issue #32)

The Professor creates a time traveling port-a-potty so that you can pee in whatever time and space you want, although it’s completely random. However, Zoidberg accidentally breaks the potty, so him, Leela, Fry, and Bender have to keep randomly flushing to get back home. On each of these new worlds Zoidberg keeps accidentally saving the citizens, getting medals, and ends up becoming addicted to the fame he keeps winning. Which leads to them getting stuck in a post apocalyptic New New York.

This is the infamous Leela-Bender-Fry fusion comic, Leelan von Fry-Bot. His backstory is actually a little sad, but I won’t spoil it here. This one is pretty good, because it has Zoidberg as the hero. Actually quite a few of these feature Zoidberg as a fourth member of the delivery crew which is weird, but not entirely unwelcome. It’s also fun to see these other worlds, and now that I think about it it’s actually a little similar to The Late Phillip J. Fry, what with the time travel to different interesting worlds.

Best Moments: I actually liked Leelan’s backstory, and his interactions with his “parents” (you’ll understand when you read it) are actually pretty funny and a little cute. Fry really wants to be a dad you can tell.

8. The Simpsons Futurama Crossover Crisis II

The professor creates a device that takes characters out of their stories into the real world. Trouble is, he tells the mayor that this invention is useful because you can get slave labor out of the characters because they technically have no constitutional rights. The Simpsons end up working with the Planet Express crew, but an accident leads to the release of ALL FICTIONAL CHARACTERS EVER.

This is a sequel comic to the Futurama Simpsons Infinitely Secret Crossover Crisis (fun fact: a reference to several famous comic book arcs). I chose this one above it though because I think it understood the assignment better. The original is funny, but I just don’t think that Springfield is a good setting for a Futurama crossover. Springfield for all its zaniness, is not the future. New New York, however, is great for this crossover. We get several scenes where we see the Simpsons going through space and fighting off monsters. We even get to see the other residents of Springfield in the future, Mr. Smithers becomes a space pirate and Mr. Burns falls in love with Mom, it’s great.

Best Moments: Some of them I already mentioned, but I cannot stress enough how hilarious the Burns-Mom romance is, it’s especially good when you can hear their voices in your head. I also like the friendship the Simpsons have with the Planet Express crew.

7. Six Characters in Search of a Story (Issue #14)

This is a very interesting comic. The Professor falls asleep, so to pass the time the crew decides to look through his old failed inventions, and well, that’s a very bad idea. The most interesting thing about this comic is it’s designed so that if you want you can only read certain panels to follow one person’s story. The Futurama comics do this a lot of the time and it’s always interesting.

The shenanigans that occur in this one are really funny, and there are some great looking pages in this. Also the Futurama crew clearly took ideas from the comics, and this is one of them. You can tell from the cover art that this does have elements of “Benderama” in it, what with Bender cloning himself ad infinitum. I also really like the climax, it’s a little schmultz-y for Futurama, but I don’t mind.

Best Moments: Fry gets stuck with a Spanish speaking Bender and I don’t know why but it’s really funny to me. The professor also gets some funny moments in this one. And Scruffy. Scruffy is always a delight.

6. Igner-ance is Bliss! (Issue #63)

Yeah this is the infamous robot Leela and Fry comic. Don’t worry, like the cover says, it’s not as dramatic as it looks. The crew has to go to a world that’s too dangerous for humans, so Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg all have their consciousnesses put into robot doubles so they can make the delivery. However, it turns out this planet is a sort of getaway spa for robots, and the crew decides to party it up there, at least until Bender discovers that this is a front for an evil plot by Mom. The subplot is mostly about how Igner is not respected by his brothers.

This one is fun, and I love a comic where Bender has to be the voice of reason. It is clearly killing him to be the responsible one, but I love it. Also, I have a soft spot for Igner, so it’s nice to see him get thrown a bone for once. This also has some really fun jokes with everyone, but Zoidberg in particular gets some bangers. I think my only problem is it ISN’T as cool as the cover makes it out, but like I’m happy with what it is.

Best Moments: Fry beats up Bender at one point and wins, I think he deserved it. Also, y’all know Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars? He makes some cameos in this one. Also all the robots (sans Bender) make a Japanese style mecha and it’s the coolest thing ever. Plus everything I’ve said about Igner I love in this one. Oh also Fry beats Calculon at poker and I really love that.

5. Who’s Dying to be a Gazillionaire? (Issue #5)

This one is sweet. The IRS is threatening to bankrupt Planet Express, and if they can’t think of a way to make a million dollars they will go out of business. No one really has any ideas and doesn’t even really care, except for Fry who is determined to save Planet Express. He gets the idea to go onto Who Wants to be a Gazillionaire to make the money, even though it’s a trivia show and if he loses he will die.

This one really warms my heart, it’s Fry at his best, just doing what he can for the people he loves. Even the professor is great in this one. I don’t want to spoil it, but trust me when I say it’s good (god I hope I’m not building this up too much).

Best moments: The end panel. But also the resolution of the story is great, and I really appreciate this comic for Fry as a character.

4. Rumble in the Jungle (Issue #38)

This is a fine comic. Leela is mad that she’s not being respected by Fry and Bender, and it’s bad enough that they don’t believe her when she says they’re going to crash into a planet. They end up parachuting down and getting separated. Leela ends up as queen of some workers in the “Amazon,” meanwhile Fry finds Bender’s corpse and goes off to avenge him.

This one is fun, and another fun one for Fry, because he’s determined to avenge Bender and works hard for it. This also includes the original Frender, not the ship but fusion. Leela and Fry even have a fight scene against each other and it’s honestly great.

Best Moments: Fry is great throughout the entire comic, and Leela spends most of her time beating up random animals. Bender also using a lead parachute he made out of toys he stole from children is funny, especially because I’m always a sucker for Bender doing dumb shit.

3. Don’t Go Taking My Heart! (Issue #69) (nice)

Mom only has a couple weeks to live, unless she can get a heart transplant. It’s revealed that Mom uses the cryogenics lab to get new body parts for herself, and that Fry was supposed to be her heart donor! Unfortunately, because he was unfrozen she now has to get him to work for Mom Corp to make sure his heart stays intact for the procedure.

If you can’t tell I love the Fry-centric comics, and I also like the comics where Mom is the villain. Of course this comic doesn’t go completely how you expect it to go, it’s actually REALLY sweet. I also love the fact that in this comic Fry actually makes a great intern. He basically has the job of a secretary and he’s GOOD at it. And I love seeing when Fry is good at things. The reason why I put this at only 3 is because it doesn’t really have a subplot. Bender gets a job at mom corp to but it’s only there for a couple pages, and Leela’s new crew gets two panels and that’s it.

Best Moments: The moments with Mom and Fry, but also guess who Mom’s doctor is? I’m actually not going to reveal it because it’s so random but also hilarious.

2. Boomsday! (Issue #58)

The Professor builds Bender his own parents, as a way to placate/discipline Bender. However, these parents decide that Fry is a bad influence on Bender, leading to them kicking him out. Meanwhile, the Professor’s doomsday devices are all stolen, and he has to go find them.

Both of these plots are funny and good. Bender’s plot is also really sweet what with his friendship with Fry, and his wish for parents. Meanwhile the Professor’s plot is just really funny and I do love seeing the Professor in his element. The ending is mostly heartwarming.

Best Moments: Everything with Fry and Bender, and Bender has a sweet relationship with his fake parents. Also, the Professor uses Issac Asimov candles on the robot mafia which I found a great joke. Oh, and the Professor’s first doomsday device was made when he was four years old and I love that. The end of the comic also has very nice message.

1. Rotten to the Core (Issue #27)

The world’s weather has gone kerflooey, and the Professor has figured out that his invention that can drill into the center of the Earth has been used. It conspires that Bender sold it at a yard sale to some aliens call the magmoids. The magmoids are trying to steal magma from the Earth’s core and the crew has to go and stop them.

This is my favorite because it’s a great character comic. All of the main three have great moments, and it’s also a great science comic. The Earth’s core is incredibly magnetic so of course Bender starts spouting out folk songs, and also SECRETS. I can’t believe no one has used the fact that canonically magnets make Bender incapable of telling lies. Anyway, it’s just really fun.

Best Moments: Way too many to count. Bender and Fry are told to cut out the “Brokeback Moanin,’“ Leela and Fry are bitter at the end, Fry tells story about his childhood, Bender has some great secrets to tell, the Professor gets a really fun ending, Bender has a rare moment of generosity, and the entirety of the climax is all kinds of fun and sweet.