#list hr policies

[qandle1]

Crafting an Effective HR Policies List: A Comprehensive Guide

Human Resources (HR) policies are the guiding principles that shape an organization’s culture, define its employee-employer relationship, and ensure legal compliance. These policies provide a roadmap for managing human capital effectively. For more details visit our blog

[laurentidal]

Monitored Activity

The email had come from IT right at the beginning of the workday with the subject line "Attn HR. Problematic Monitored Activity."

Dear Miss Villanova, In accordance with company policy, we are writing to inform you that employee Joseph Ulish was found to be acting in violation of the company's internet usage policies during our last audit of online activity. We are attaching evidence for your review and action. Thank you, Martin Shore, IT Dept. Head

Lily gave a long sigh. It was the first time an employee had been caught looking at porn on company time, though it was certainly bound to happen eventually. She took a breath and gave herself a little hope. Who knows. Maybe it wasn't porn at all. Maybe Joe was on poker stars or he was shit talking the company on social media.

But as she opened the attached list of websites, she knew that those hopes were false ones.

Sixty-two websites were enumerated and organized by the date of first access. Accompanying the list was a breakdown of how many times each site had been visited and how long he had spent there. Lily whistled softly to her empty office. With these kind of numbers, it was a miracle Joe had gotten any work done. At the very least, he should be getting fired for theft of time.

She opened the first site and was shocked to see only text. Only a glance would tell you that it was almost certainly smut, but still. If he was going to try to get away with porn at work, text was certainly the most effective method for staying under the radar. And what exactly was "erotic mind control?" Out of curiosity, Lily found herself reading the whole way through the story. She wasn't too prudish to admit to herself that he might have been onto something here. Certainly not appropriate for work! But this was certainly… having an effect, shall we say. Perhaps there was some unidentified fetishes still hiding in that brain of hers.

Site number two was actual porn. Just straight up pornography videos. She closed it quickly, lingering just long enough to catch sight of a few choice body parts. She was human after all.

Sites three through eighteen were all social media pages once again dedicated to this mind control stuff. It seemed there were an impossible number of sub-genre's to this already incredibly niche thing. Lily was fascinated. The pages were stories and videos and audio notes. Most fascinating were the pages seemingly dedicated entirely to flashing gifs and spinning graphics. She found herself scrolling through them slower and slower.

She never noticed when her left hand had left her keyboard.

More porn. More smut. More porn. More spirals. More spirals. More spirals.

By the time Lily reached the fiftieth website, her pants were around her ankles. She didn't know how many times she'd brought herself to completion. Her eyes were glassy and unblinking. The words in the stories and the images and comics burned into her psyche. And oh. The spirals.

The spirals.

She wished she could stop and stare at each one forever. But she had a job to do. She had a list to complete. Link sixty-two opened to a website that Joseph had accessed just this morning before she'd arrived. The site was a full screen spiral. Black and white with streaks of red and blue that made it seem more real than reality. And in the middle there was a button that simply read "Submit?"

She clicked it immediately. The button disappeared, leaving her staring at the spiral alone. She had no more work to do. The list was complete. She could just stay like this forever.

The door to her office opened and Joseph entered, followed by Martin.

"I'm so happy you were the one who got to review my file, Miss Villanova," Joseph said. He snapped his fingers and Martin locked the office door and began to undress. "Martin here was the first to comb through my activities. He did just a good job cataloging everything, don't you think? He had to look so long and so close to compile that report. He was shooting his first load before he'd finished reading that first story, weren't you?"

"Yes, Master," Martin said dully as the pair approached.

"He tastes quite nice, Lily," Joseph said right in her ear as she helplessly masturbated to the spiral. "You'll see."

Thanks for reading! If you are a fan of my work, consider buying me a coffee. Any contribution is insanely appreciated. 💖

[fuck-customers]

To the one guy I rang out last night who bought a Funko Pop exclusive to our store with a reward certificate and admitted he was a Funko reseller AND would be making a listing once he got to his car as he grabbed his bag.

Good look trying to resell that Funko at a higher price to scam people. We got in 12 and you're the first and only person to buy one all day. It released everywhere yesterday in store and online so anyone can get it at retail price (or cheaper with rewards). Not to mention that we now have your name and account number and I alerted my coworkers that you're a reseller so they can keep an eye out for you now, too. Also did I mention no one else bought it but you?? It's now been available for 24 hrs online and I see it's still in stock on our website.

Also on one final note. I lied to you. You actually had several rewards available (and could have gotten the pop for free), but you failed my vibe check and I said you only had one. I'm glad I did and I'll do it again if it means making the life of a reseller more miserable.

Okay one more final note. Fuck all resellers. You're the reason we have such wild policies in place for collectables.

And a brief PS to buyers of modern collectables who are NOT resellers - always do your research on the item to make sure you really are buying at a fair price. Just because that Funko is listed at $40 on ebay doesn't mean that's as cheap as it goes. The original retailer is probably still selling it for $15 ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Posted by admin Rodney.

[pareidoliaonthemove]

A New Policy

Part 1: Memo

Memo

From: Scott Tracy, CEO

To: All Employees, Tracy Industries and Subsidiaries

Re: Service Blacklist

Due to recurrent events, Tracy Industries and all Subsidiaries Companies are now exercising their right to refuse service and custom to certain potential customers and suppliers.

As such the Service Blacklist is now online for all employees to access and view, the Blacklist outlines the reasons why persons and organisations have been Blacklisted, along with a comprehensive list of known aliases and affiliated organisations.

All Public-Facing Roles, Sales, Accounts and Warehousing, will receive training in the new Service Blacklist, and how to integrate it within their daily routines. Your Section Manager will provide details of when and how this training will be presented.

The Blacklist is now integrated into all accounting and ordering software. Any attempt by employees to deliberately circumvent this restriction without appropriate authorisation will be subject to immediate and stringent disciplinary action. HR will begin rolling out the information packages on how this infraction will be dealt with within the week.

If employees encounter a situation where they believe the blacklist has been erroneously applied, or if blacklisted persons or organisations attempt to force employees to act against the strictures of this memo, employees are to use the in-house DM system.

Address request for assistance to ‘Blacklist: Situation’, and detail your name, section, and link to the order/correspondence relevant to the situation, and a representative with the authority to resolve the issue will contact you within ten minutes.

Thank you for your assistance in maintaining the ethics and integrity of Tracy Industries, and your part in making the world a safer place.

Scott Tracy

Service Blacklist Quicklinks:

Blacklist: Situation DM Channel

Francois Lemaire

Langstrom Fischler

Howard Yost

‘The Hood’

[darkmaga-retard]

Kamala Harris is requiring that everyone who works on her presidential campaign receive the COVID-19 vaccine – even though the pandemic peaked long ago and the vaccines have since been proven to be ineffective in preventing spread and potentially quite dangerous – demonstrating yet again that this is much more of a political issue for liberals than something done out of a genuine concern for public health.

On the official Harris-Walz presidential campaign website, a list of job opportunities appears on a page entitled “Work for Us.” The page lists several job opportunities and their requirements, with a disclosure at the bottom informing potential candidates of the vaccine mandate. They stop short, however, of explaining why the mandate exists. While many COVID-era vaccine mandate policies claimed they were enacted for the “safety” of employees or clients, it’s getting a lot harder to convince the public there is any benefit in such mandates these days.

They write: “Harris for President requires all employees to be "up to date" on COVID-19 vaccination status as prescribed by the CDC as a condition of employment, unless otherwise prohibited by applicable law,” they write.

“If you seek a reasonable accommodation in relation to the campaign's COVID-19 policy, you should speak to the HR Department prior to reporting to an office location,” the listing adds.

Just what does the CDC “prescribe” these days? A message on their website says that they recommend the “2023-2024 updated COVID-19 vaccines” from makers such as Moderna, Pfizer-BioNTech, and Novavax.

Meanwhile, they define “up to date” as getting “1 age-appropriate updated COVID-19 vaccine” for those aged 5 to 64; for those 65 and older, “2 updated 2023-2024 COVID-19 vaccine doses” are required.

It’s a laughable requirement for a number of reasons, not least of which is the fact that Harris tested positive for COVID-19 in 2022 after receiving the jabs and boosters publicly.

There’s also the fact that Harris likes to insist on platforms like X that women should be trusted to “make decisions about their own body, health care, and future” – except, apparently, when it comes to decisions about putting poison into their bodies if they want to be employed.

[violettavonviolet]

Multifandom Fic Rec's

Fandoms on the list are Spn, James Bond, Harry Potter, Sherlock and Twilight.

All fics are finished and fantastic, the word count goes up as you scroll and the rating is noted. Def do check the tags though!

James Bond

Dramatic Arts

scioscribe

Summary:

In which Spectre is actually Bond's poorly written attempt at falsifying a mission report. Q wants a flight simulator, Eve wants more lines, and M wants a drink. Everybody's a critic.

2.9k teen 00Q humor

Love and Other Hazardous Materials

luchia

Summary:

"This is just getting ridiculous," M says when he finds Q trying to put motorized circular saw blades into a briefcase.

(Or, Q and James Bond love their jobs so very, very much.)

3.5k 00Q

Employee Relations, Friendly Workplace and Team Building: A Guide to Successful Relationships in the MI6

Rosslyn

Summary:

Because even MI6 isn’t exempt from British administrative features and its assorted exercises.

--

“Ah, bollocks. It says that all departmental heads have to attend or their annual budget won’t get approved. Can they do that?"

R finally sets down the iron and pats Q on the shoulder. “If they can make the Double Os take lessons in health and safety,” she says ominously, “They can do whatever the fuck they want."

6k 00Q crack gen

Q's Favourite

IBegToDreamAndDiffer

Summary:

How the double-ohs found out that James Bond is Q's favourite.

6.6k 00Q teen

Handle With Care

winterhill

Summary:

It’s not exactly a secret that Bond and Q are dating. Most people in the agency give Bond the shovel talk; everyone who doesn’t gives Q the “are you sure you know what you’re doing?” talk. Q and Bond ignore them all and have a lovely time, right up until an exploding pen explodes.

10k 00Q

The Mating Dance of Wolf and Fox**

epithalamium, TheCatOnTheMoon

Summary:

In which Moneypenny despairs of her boys, no one in MI6 is the least bit sane, Bond complains to HR about MI6's workplace policies, Q insists that he is not a fainting maiden, and he might have to sleep with 007.

Strictly for professional purposes, of course.

22k 00Q my favorite

Mistletoe

dhampir72

Summary:

She sits down at her chair, coffee in one hand, folded paper in the other. She is just taking a sip when she opens the paper...and promptly spits her coffee back into the cup. 

The paper reads: 

James Bond

That can’t be right. It’s impossible. It has to be.

Right?

10k 00Q teen

dawn

kiyala

Summary:

Bond honestly doesn't begin with the intention of courting Q.

17k 00Q teen

Yours, J

swtalmnd

Summary:

Bond sends letters. Q is vexed. Q-branch starts a betting pool. There are an appalling amount of sweets. Also, 002 is a bit of an arse.

40k 00Q explicit

 Ordinary Numbers

BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria

Summary:

More than anything, Mike Taylor wanted to be ordinary. Being a genius, he learned early in life, meant people expected too much. A career at the MI6 Help Desk seemed the perfect way to guarantee a lifetime of obscurity, until he got a very unusual tech support call.

44k 00Q humor

Nodus Tollens

Only_1_Truth

Summary:

Nodus Tollens: the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore

Q's life at the technical help department of MI6 was decently quiet and paid reasonably well - it even gave him vacation time, although he rarely used it. So when Q was finally coaxed to leave work for a bit and relax, he thought that Paris might be fun. 

Of course, that was before the gunfight, witnessing a shooting, and being kidnapped by a strange, blue-eyed gunman named James Bond.

88k 00Q teen

Ulysses

girlbookwrm

Summary:

“Paperwork for the new head of Q-Branch,” Tanner said.

“Of course.” The words were like glass in his throat. Smoke inhalation was a bitch. His brain felt slow and foggy, like it was full of smoke too. “Who shall I take them to?”

M lifted one white brow. “They’re for you, Quartermaster.”

Bond and Q are drawn together by names, work, and a certain Aston Martin. In which Q is kidnapped once, Bond is poisoned twice, and Eve is a badass on at least three occasions. AKA that time I tripped and wrote 80,000 words of 00Q.

All titles unapologetically stolen from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

89k 00Q teen

Twilight

you woke the lion up

Tsume_Yuki

Summary:

Travelling through England and attempting to adjust to this 'vegetarian diet' that Peter had heard about, Jasper Whitlock comes across a pretty girl abandoned in the woods with far more despair than should be appropriate.

And really, as a Southern Gentleman, he can hardly leave her on her lonesome, can he?

20k Jasper/Harry Potter

The Future Mrs Jacob Black.

JessalynMichele

Summary:

Nobody told Jacob how utterly perfect it would be when he finally imprinted on his soulmate...

“I could kill you in ten seconds flat.”

... or how the moment could be completely ruined the moment she opened her mouth.

27k jacob black/harry potter

The Boyfriend

AverageFish

Summary:

"I like the trees here," Harry said, his accent placing him far from home. "They keep my wrackspurts away." It was twilight, and he wasn't wearing any shoes.

"You can stay at my place," Charlie said.

One night turned into teaching Harry to use the coffee machine, and then he grew used to fresh pancakes every Sunday.

Until Charlie realized one day, while calling Harry down from the old oak out back, that he didn't want the man to leave.

29k Charlie/Harry Potter

Green & Gold

JessalynMichele

Summary:

Harry Potter is a traumatized war veteran in a body that won’t die and a mind that won’t rest.

Jasper Hale is intrigued by this new student who looks so vulnerable but sends off such overwhelming waves of angst.

Everyone else is just concerned.

Set post Battle of Hogwarts, starting in the summer before Bella Swans junior year.

144k Harry/Jasper

Harry Potter

will you walk into my parlor (and ne’er come out again?)

Ellory

Summary:

Heiress Pleione Potter is sure she will not get entangled in the web Mister Mycroft Holmes weaves about himself. He proves her wrong.

11k mycroft holmes/harry potter

Magnificent

esama

Summary:

The birth of the Ministry of Magic and his relationship with the British Government.

20k harry/microft holmes teen

to refuse the givens

snark

Summary:

Daphne Greengrass makes a tidy sum selling contraband at Hogwarts, and a nihilistic Harry Potter wants to buy cigarettes.

33k Daphne/Harry

In Evidence of Magical Theory

bixgirl1

Summary:

When a hex meant for Draco accidentally catches Harry as well, they're forced to learn to understand each other in ways they previously might have thought impossible.

In which Harry and Draco can't fight, so they fall in love instead.

43k drarry explicit

Whispers in Corners

esama

Summary:

Everything started with a stumble - his new life in a new world as well as his surprisingly successful career as a medium.

64k mycroft holmes/harry potter teen

Hermione Granger's Hogwarts Crammer for Delinquents on the Run

waspabi

Summary:

'You're a wizard, Harry' is easier to hear from a half-giant when you're eleven, rather than from some kids on a tube platform when you're seventeen and late for work.

93k drarry teen

Harry Potter and the Welcome to the World of Grey

sobsicles

Summary:

When Harry fails to keep his anger at bay and Voldemort possesses his mind, the events that follow lead him down a long road to realizing the world isn't as black and white as it seems. 

Chaos, hilarity, and tragedy ensue with a Dark Lord being honest all the time, a rival becoming something else, and a world demanding to be saved. Featuring frightened Death Eaters, deep conversations with a monster, Pureblood traditions being ridiculous, and the fight to do the right thing with no true options. 

Harry's life just gets more and more bizarre with each passing moment. 

~~~

Or, the one where Harry's life gets split in half, and he has to figure out how to bring it back together.

456k drarry explicit

Sherlock

Illusory Correlation and Confirmation Bias

VanillaBegonias

Summary:

Looking back, there were a few things that should’ve tipped Greg off long before that night at the pub. A few things Sherlock left fairly obvious, that on reflection, made Greg question how he’d gotten his job in the first place.

10k johnlock

Son of Mine

simoneallen

Summary:

Wilson shrugged. “Well, you’ve met him,” he pointed out. “What do you think House’s kid would be like, if House had a kid?”

13k crossover house md johnlock explicit

Working on the Edges

earlgreytea68

Summary:

No matter where you put Sherlock and John, they click. Including the Winter Olympics.

56k johnlock mature

Nature and Nurture

earlgreytea68

Summary:

The British Government accidentally clones Sherlock Holmes. Which brings a baby to 221B Baker Street.

203k johnlock

Supernatural

I Like Batman

DarcyDelaney

Summary:

Dean's got enough on his plate, what with doing his damnedest to make sure that Sam has the best Christmas possible; the last thing he needs is to figure out a Secret Santa gift for another kid in Sam's class on top of it all.

3.2k weechesters angst

At the bottom of his glass

Mademoiselle_A

Summary:

It was perfectly normal for a Hunter to drink. John's sons were worried for nothing.

At least, that's what John Winchester thought at first.

3.7k genfic angst

Thumbnail Ridges

whiteraven1606

Summary:

As a child, Dean made sure Sammy got feed, even if that meant Dean didn't eat. It was hard work, right up until it wasn't anymore.

4k genfic angst

i drew our car for you

Septembers_coda

Summary:

Nothing kindergarten teacher April Huxley has ever learned can tell her what to do when adorable, troubled little Dean Winchester falls into her life—or when he vanishes abruptly back out of it.

5k angst weechesters

Runaways

keerawa

Summary:

We lost seven teenage boys from the shelter in the summer of '97. The last were a pair of brothers so wrapped up in each other that I never had a chance to save them. Their names were Sam and Dean.

10k gen angst

"I Need a Favor"

alas_horatio

Summary:

Sam agrees to drive a stranger across the country to join Cas while their brother is in the hospital, only to find out that his new road trip companion isn't so much a stranger as the most haunting one night stand of his life.

15k Destiel Sam/Gabriel teen

Neighborly

Spooks, thesuninside

Summary:

There are two kids living next door. They gotta be surviving off ramen noodles by now, and Christ, but it's none of Frank's business.

22k weechesters crossover

Dies Irae, or Something

AlchemyAlice

Summary:

It starts with headaches, and it ends in a clusterfuck. So, business as usual, Apocalypse-wise.

51k Sam/Gabriel Destiel teen

Angels, Alcohol, and Marriage: Awesome

Akira_of_the_Twilight

Summary:

For Sam waking up next to a supposedly dead archangel was shocking enough, then he learned that aforementioned angel doesn't remember him, and they may have gotten married. From there everything spiraled.

78k Sam/gabriel accidental marraige, mature

[koncodes]

ATLAS OBSCURA (60$)

ATLAS OBSCURA is a fully flex skin optimized for Chrome but has been adjusted for compatibility across Firefox and Safari. A low contrast, dark background is recommended. A live preview can be requested at any time through my support discord. PURCHASE HERE: https://ko-fi[DOT]com/s/740013f3a4 WEBPAGES HERE: https://ko-fi[DOT]com/s/07654e42a0 TEMPLATES: https://ko-fi[DOT]com/s/020489ee5a

Includes:

light/dark toggle sidebar that auto transitions to a module for mobile custom forums, topics, memberlist, posts (optional larger post avatar with sticky) tabbed, popup application profile member group colors set up across the skin css variables set up for images, fonts, and colors for ease of editing guest to member links on login for easy navigation various indicators for messages/alerts customized tooltips tabbed header basic post template with all basic styles (bold, italics, h1 through h7, blockquote, hr, lists, etc)

Files:

full xml file html templates xml file easy to import field set json file general installation guide pdf skin specific instructions with member group prefix/suffix codes and user fields

Policies:

credit must remain intact and unchanged you may not claim my codes as your own at any point, nor may they be used as a base for other projects I offer unlimited support for bugs present at purchase

Please review the rest of my my policies prior to making any purchases: koncodes[DOT]tumblr.com/policies For questions or a live preview, you can contact me through ko-fi or my support discord: discord[DOT]gg/MXD5nDgDzq

[thelightsandtheroses]

Secret Smile: A Tale of Two Reunions (Chapter Seven)

Secret Smile | Javier Peña x female reader

Summary: Before returning to Colombia to get things right this time, Javi’s childhood best friend asks him to keep an eye out for his sister while they’re both stationed in the embassy. Only you don’t need Javier to keep an eye you her. Your role as a new legal advisor is all about keeping an eye on him after all Sparks fly, lines will be drawn and broken and there’s everything to lose.

Word Count: 5.9 k Chapter Warnings: 18+ blog, language, mentions of alcohol, reader has a nickname (Blue) but no physical descriptors are used, depression, past sexual harassment and sexism, past toxic workplace with pretty terrible HR management, un beta’d. Author's Notes: Thanks, as always, for all your lovely comments and reblogs to this fic so far. It means the world to me. I've been very nervous about this chapter but I hope it works?

Previous | Series List | Next

Javi’s never spent much time in Florida before. Besides growing up in Texas, most of his working career has been spent in Colombia, or briefly Mexico at the start. He’s had a couple of meetings in DC, most notably the time he thought he would be fired and instead was offered this promotion. 

Perks of the job, he supposes. Join the DEA and you’ll get to explore new places while stopping the bad guys; that was how it had been sold to him back in the day.

It’s draining though. Today he’s been in three different countries, taken two flights, plus he chased Jurado across a town like he still thought he was in his twenties.  At least there’s only an hour time difference here. At least they get tonight to reset. You and Javi can’t fly back to Colombia until the morning so Javi and you have been booked into a nearby hotel.

You’re still with the lawyers from Justice. In fact, you were the one who had suggested he go back to the hotel, that why didn’t he check in with Steve while he was here, make the most of the unexpected delay? There isn’t anything else he can do right now.

So now he’s at the hotel bar, having just finished a decidedly average burger and fries that was the only meal that met the new expenses policy limits, making sure to pocket his receipt while he remembers, and you’re probably still working.

Since he came back to Colombia, since you came back into his life, he’s only really seen you working in the embassy. He’s watched you make calls, plans, smooth paths and write paperwork. He’s never seen you like he has today though; in full lawyer mode.

You’re impressive.

There were other lawyers there and waiting but it was you Javi was watching, you who took control of the situation and pushed for solutions. You who spoke to them to prepare the testimony from Jurado, who had written the deal out already.

Then when Javi walked back in the room some time later and saw Jurado’s lawyer, he knew. He saw your face, the frustration clear, but you still tried.

He watched you dodge and weave through Starkman’s arguments, to try and make the deal still happen. You were calm, methodical, collected. Every now and then you’d meet Javi’s gaze, looking desperately like you wanted to roll your eyes at him over some unwelcome road bump and then turning your attention back to the moment as thought you had never looked at him.

You’ve both changed so much since Laredo; he remembers you there as shy, nervous, passionate about the things you loved, yes, but never like this.

It’s not enough though.

All that effort, running around Curacao in the sweltering heat and damn near falling of a roof like an idiot, all of it is for nothing. Javi has a feeling it doesn’t matter how skilled you are as a lawyer; it’s all going nowhere without Christina. Jurado won’t talk until she’s safe. Javi doesn’t even blame him.

Javi wonders what that’s like, loving someone that much. Though he wonders how much love there is to expose your wife to that situation, to use her passport to further your work. She was clearly unhappy when Javi spoke to her, he could see the loneliness in her eyes. The Jurados are truly in a sorry mess now.

Javi’s time in Colombia is one step forward and five steps back. Franklin’s wife still hasn’t arrived at the embassy. Javi swears Christina was on board, she was ready when he spoke to her on the runway - she was meant to be on her way so he can’t see her going to  Jurado’s employers instead. No, there’s a rising sense of dread and worry coating his skin like sweat. Things are only going to get worse. Stoddard and the team are trying to find where she might be in the city, to see if they can get her and bring her to the US.

There’s nothing he can do from here right now though.  He’s a passenger right now, until tomorrow, until they land back in Bogotá.  He’s powerless and he hates it.

He notices Steve instantly as he walks over to Javi’s table in the smoking section. Javi moves his empty plate to one side before standing up to greet his old partner.

Steve looks well - being away from Colombia suits him. The last time they’d spoken, Steve had said that things were a lot better with him and Connie, that Olivia was in preschool and happy, that being home was working for him. He’s a DEA consultant now; he trains new agents, provides case studies or advice on how to approach a case. 

He’s not in the field though.

Steve fought his battle. He was there when they took down Escobar.

They order drinks and make the initial small talk before Steve proudly shows Javi the latest photo of Olivia in his wallet.  If anything is a stark reminder of the years that have passed, the sizeable amount of Javi’s life dedicated to this war, it’s seeing that Olivia isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a child with her hair in bunches and a wide toothy grin on her face. Javi wonders if she even remembers Colombia now, if she would remember him or any of her time there.

A few minutes later, Steve takes a gulp from his beer and looks at Javi carefully. His expression is one Javi recognises; this is the moment when Steve is getting to the crux of whatever he wanted to raise.

“I can’t believe they wanted you back,” he says lightly.

“Me either. Thought I was being fired when I went to DC after it all went down.”

“You’re a good agent, Javier. You know we couldn’t have - we couldn’t have done what we did without you. I just still can’t get over that you actually went back there,” Steve continues and Javi gets the sense that Steve means a lot more than just that the DEA had invited him back. “That you’ve spent months back there again and what - you’re in for a few more, another year of this?”

He’s not sure how to respond that, what he’s supposed to say about the albatross of obligation and redemption that’s bound so tightly around his neck that it’s become a noose.

“Job wasn’t done, Steve. The Cali godfathers, all of that - I want to get it right. Besides, I’m not sure now I’m back that they actually did want me back.”

“What do you mean?”

Javi stubs out his cigarette. “They wanted a poster boy.”

Steve laughs at that, shakes his head. “And they thought of you?”

“Hey, of the two of us, I am obviously the better looking one.”

“In my first week in Bogotá, you asked me to sneak papers down my trousers out of a secure lock up.”

“And I stand by that, Steve.”

“How the fuck would they ever have thought you’d just sit there and take that?”

Javi lights a cigarette and shrugs, offering the packet to Steve who shakes his head.

“I quit.”

“I did try the gum,” Javi admits before taking a long drag of his cigarette.

“That seems to be working out well for you,” Steve says dryly.

“Fucking brilliantly,” he says, raising his eyebrows.

“So, they wanted a figurehead, not - not you. How’s that going? You didn’t answer me. I know you, Javi, I know you wouldn’t do that.”

“They have tried to make it harder - fucking Stechner’s been - himself. Um, there’s a lawyer who works in tandem with Justice and the Ambassador and is my - unofficial liaison? I don’t know. Unofficially, they wanted her to keep an eye on me.” It feels like a terrible way to describe Blue, to introduce who she is to Steve.

Steve puts his glass down and meets Javi’s gaze straight on.

“What the fuck?”

“Yeah. It’s fine though. It turns out I knew her so -”

“Oh god, Javi. She’s not someone you slept with before, is she?”

“Wow, do you really think so little of me?”

Steve raises his eyebrows at Javi and yeah, maybe he knows where Steve is coming from. The thing is, despite his reputation, he doesn’t feel like he was as much as a rogue as people wanted to paint him.

“No, she’s from Laredo,” he says.  “Actually, I was good friends with her brother growing up so I’ve known her a long time. Still am friends with her brother. She’s a good person, Steve. She wants the same thing as me. Blue wants us to get the godfathers, shut it down. We need to get real justice for the people, so that’s what we’re going for.”

“Blue?”

“Oh, fuck, it’s just her nickname from when we were kids.”

“So, you’re just working with her, Javi? This woman from your hometown, you’ve known for years you’re telling me? Who you call by her childhood nickname?  Who is your friend’s sister? And you’re just … working together on this?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You forget I know you Javi and I’m hearing how you’re talking about her.”

“Fuck off.”

“Too close to home? Tread carefully, Javi, please.”

He doesn’t know the half of it, Javi thinks, immediately thinking of the moment he almost kissed you.  He takes a deep drag of his cigarette and doesn’t answer letting silence be his answer.

“How’s it down there now anyway?“ Steve asks after a moment. His voice manages to convey both a desire to be distanced from Bogotá and a sense of wistfulness at once. Javi gets it.

“It’s the same but different, Steve. The godfathers aren’t like Escobar. It’s a whole different type of battle down there right now.” Javi can’t tell Steve about the surrender deal he’s blown up, about the way everything is working out, or rather how it isn’t, about how fragile and terrifying the odds feel right now.

“So, what are you going to do when it’s done?”

“No fucking idea. You’re the one who said I was a lifer.”

Steve pauses and takes a sip of his own drink.  “Yeah, I did say that didn’t I?”

Javi shrugs, raises his beer to his friend in a mock salute.

He’s not sure how to truly answer Steve. He’s not sure what’s next for him; he can’t see himself in Laredo but the job is weighing on him, the job is changing. In all honesty, he has no clue what will come next. Home? His dad’s ranch? The life he originally wanted to escape? It’d be kind of poetic, he supposes. He’s not sure what else there is for him except DEA station after station for the rest of his life, watching his agents take part in missions while he sits in a suit and argues with other people about it.

“Anyway, tell me what’s new with you,” Javi asks instead.

The paperwork and handoff with your Justice colleagues takes hours. A part of you almost enjoyed the discussions with Starkman, the back and forth and chess moves to try and get what you needed.

You’re still not there though and that’s frustrating, draining even. You’re used to getting through a problem, but this one worries you.

Still, Jurado is in custody, the team have a solid case against him and that prosecution will proceed. Javi just needs him to talk and maybe he can get Christina back at the table too.

You’ve done as much as possible right now.

��All you can think about right now is how desperately you’re looking forward to getting to your hotel room and changing out of these sticky, creased clothes, having a shower and then sleeping until you need to get up for Tomorrow’s flight to Bogotá. You’re past the point of wanting food, of wanting anything other than this day to be over and for you to crawl into bed.

You’re finally on your way out of the building when you bump into him.

He looks just like he did all those months ago, back when you were last in DC. An expensive suit, intricately coiffured honeyed hair, wafting overpriced cologne that follows him with every step.

“What are you doing here?” you ask, a mix of surprise and horror in your voice when you watch his eyes take you in.  Your palms are becoming sweaty already and you’re desperate to get out of this building, to get as far away from here as quickly as possible.

This can’t be happening. He can’t be here.

“Oh, just a Justice case I’ve been working on. I can’t really -“ he says after a pause.

“Right, of course.” You’re wondering if you can get away with stamping your heel through his overpriced Italian shoes before you run out of the building.

“Why are you here? The last I heard you were working in Mexico?”

You feel a pang of annoyance; frustration that he knows enough about you to know you were working abroad, that he assumed it would be in Mexico. You’re outraged that his tone is as relaxed as it is, almost lazy. How dare he? How fucking dare he?

“Colombia,” you correct. “That’s why I’m here - it’s for the case we’re working on.”

“Damn, that’s intense.”

“It’s fine,” you say, your voice unfamiliar and sharp. It’s the same tone you used to employ in the courtroom against particularly difficult attorneys. It’s your ice queen voice, the one that other lawyers used to dread, that earned you your steely reputation for excellence.

The memories flood you; good, bad, somewhere in between. It’s like an avalanche, as though everything you’ve been avoiding has just hit you all at once and your chest is tight and you’re not entirely sure if you’re even breathing correctly right now.

You left DC to avoid having to go through this. You fucking moved country to avoid this.

How can he be here? What forces have you upset to bring such an awful, obscure coincidence into your day? And if he’s here, what if …

Their names freeze on your tongue. You swallow, even though your mouth feels bone dry. You can do this, you think. You can.

“You took the job I was going for, after everything,” you say, folding your arms around yourself. The hate, rage, and devastation tastes sour like bile in your mouth. “Even after what happened?”

You remember everything.

“It was a promotion. Did you honestly expect me to say no? You wanted that job too, remember? You can’t honestly tell me you have said no if our positions were reversed.”

“Of course I would have.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You’re kidding yourself if you think that. I know you; I remember what you were like in court. You’re ambitious.”

It’s not a point worth arguing. You know the truth and you know you’ll never know what could have been. You’re sure you wouldn’t have though, you’re sure your moral code would have prevailed.

 In another world though, maybe the positions are reversed and you’re standing in Simon’s shoes. If that had happened then you’d never have bumped into Javi again, you’d be in DC going about your old life with your old friends. It’s unimaginable.

You feel like that version of yourself is dead.

“So, what? Now you work with them?” you probe, because now the wound is open you can’t stop the outpouring, “What, do you all sit in the office together? Have a good laugh and joke about it - about me? Do you join in?”

He whispers your name, gaze fixated on the floor. All you can think is that this man used to be your friend and now he can hardly meet your eyes. You can barely even think of him without your blood pressure rising.

“Nothing actually happened,” Simon says after a moment, “he didn’t actually do anything to you, didn’t even touch you. That’s what you said to me, remember? Look, everything got out of hand, it didn’t need to go down like that.”

There’s an uncomfortable silence as you take in his admonishment. It’s on you then, you’re the one who rocked the boat, who blew the whistle. No, that’s not right.

“Fuck you. I never want to speak to you again, Simon.”

You spin on your heels, eager to get away, get out of here. Your heart is racing, your body feels numb and the voices of the ghosts that haunt you whisper in your ear the whole way to the hotel. 

“Hey Shelley, it’s Jamie …I don’t think she’s doing so well. I think you should try and get a flight out … I know … I know … Shelley? I don’t know if she’s coming back from this. I think we’re losing her.”

You sink your head deeper into the bath water as though the water has the answers. Maybe Jamie’s right.

You’re not sure who you are anymore, who you can trust.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s all you. Maybe you’ve misinterpreted and twisted it all. You’ve been through it a thousand times and each time the details get hazier, less clear. You doubt yourself more by the day. Some days you’re not even sure what’s real anymore.

You have so much more empathy for any witness you’ve ever put on the stand now.

Maybe Jamie’s right too. You’re not sure how you come back from this? How do you ever go back to the office and just pretend it hasn’t happened?

You’ve prided yourself on being a strong lawyer, on being one of the best in your office. You never give up. Not usually.

This is different though.

You’re so tired. So drained. You feel like there’s nothing inside you anymore, like the process of the last few months has shucked the life out of you leaving only a shell behind.

Your promotion is over. You’ll have to continue to sit opposite them day in and day out and just - pretend? Every day, hour after hour, you’ll just sit there and know they’ll be talking about you the second you leave the room. You’ll be given all of the lousy cases, never progress further. You’ll be the cautionary tale to any other woman in the office who would dare speak up. You’ll be judged, you’re already being judged.

It’s only been two weeks and you can’t do it a day longer.

You’re done.

Your ex-boyfriend is sleeping on your sofa because he’s the only person you have left in this city. Because every other friend you have in this city you have either just realised is not your friend, or you have quietly just shut out until they stopped calling.

Except for Jamie, and that’s only because of Shelley and Carlos. Only because they called him out of worry, out of fear. Only because Shelley wouldn’t let you cut her off and leave you to your loneliness.

In her last call, she had gently suggested changing jobs, seeking a change of scenery - was that how she phrased it? It wasn’t running away, she said, it would be prioritising yourself.  She mentioned that Laredo needed a new ADA.  It felt too close though. You can’t go home broken like this, you’re not ready.

You heard from an old law school friend there was good legal work available in some of the embassies a while ago, that he’d got to travel to amazing countries for his job before he’d settled down in California last summer. Maybe something like that would be far enough away. He’d offered to recommend you for a post if you were looking for something new. You were going for the promotion then though so you put him off. But now?

You rise up from the bathtub, rest your arms either side of the bath and think for a moment.

Maybe Shelley’s right. It’s time for a change.

He sees you in the lobby just as he’s leaving the bar with Steve. Javi feels a little lighter; catching up with Steve has helped. For an hour or so, he’s been able to forget about Christina, to forget about Jurado, to remember when the job was more active, when he had a partner with him on this and he didn’t have to wear a suit and sit in stressful meetings.

Before Steve turned up in Colombia, Javi had felt like he was treading through molasses, every step infinitely harder than it should be. No one cared enough, he was fighting and it felt futile.

Javi scoffs at the memory. Yeah, why is that familiar again?

He waves you over with a casual smile as your paths are about to cross.

“Hey, Blue, this is -” Javi begins.

“I’m so sorry, I have to go,” you say, brushing past him.

Javi looks at your retreating form in surprise. “That was weird.” He’d thought you want to meet Steve, after all you’d encouraged him to meet Steve in the first place.

“She’s upset,” Steve says quietly.

“What? No, she isn’t, Steve.” You’re clearly not upset; Javi knows you, knows how tough you are. No, Steve has to be wrong.

“Well, she looked upset,” Steve persists.

“How do you - you don’t even know her, Steve.”

“I have a wife, Javi, and she looks like Connie when she’s upset. ”

He thinks back to your face as you walked back - everything in your body seemed tightly coiled like a spring and were those tears in your eyes? Your voice was so distant too. Maybe things had been more stressful with the Justice guys than he thought.

He’s not sure where you are in the hotel though; whether he should even try and talk to you right now.

Steve’s right though, something’s wrong and Javi needs to know why.

You make your way to the plane quietly, noticing Javi standing by the gangway, coffees balanced precariously in your hands. He’s wearing his DEA jacket and yellow aviators that he’s clearly had for a while.

He nods in acknowledgement when he sees you.

You wordlessly hand him a coffee before you both walk onto the plane.

The coffee served at breakfast was terrible; maybe the worst hotel coffee you’ve ever had. You’d taken full advantage of a five-minute window to get coffee at the airport; it was a need not a want. You’d bought one for Javi without a thought.

He smiles when he takes the coffee and your fingers brush very slightly in the handover.

“You saw the breakfast coffee then?” He asks lightly, giving you the out. In this moment you think he might be the best person you know.

“That wasn’t coffee. No idea what it was, but it wasn’t coffee.”

The two of you sit opposite each other, your coffees on the table in front of you.

“How was Steve?” you ask politely as the plane begins to move down the runway, “I’m sorry I had to uh, go straight to the room. Think I ate something off.” You hate that such an embarrassing lie is your excuse, that you prefer the idea of Javi thinking that than knowing you were upset, than running the risk of him asking why.

“Are you okay now?” Javi asks before sitting opposite you on the plane.

“I’m fine.”

“Steve thought - I thought … ”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

No, you think, no I have hardly slept and I feel ridiculous that last night took me back like it did.

“I’m fine,” you repeat.

Javi nods at you but his furrowed brow tells you that he doesn’t believe you.

“Still no word from Christina?” you ask, automatically squeezing your knee as you feel the plane ascend higher in the air.

“No,” Javi says, pinching his brow. “Are we fucked without her?”

“We need to find her to secure Jurado’s testimony, yes. But if you have something else, another angle for this case then … maybe we’ll be okay.”

“What is really going on with you?”

Perhaps it’s because he’s persistent, perhaps it’s because he is meticulously trained in extracting truths from people, or perhaps it’s because he’s from home and he feels safe right now. You feel the words rise up though.

“I saw someone I used to work with.”

“And that upset you?”

“Yes.”

“Did they say something to you? Was that why were you upset?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“So did the bastard break your heart back in DC or something?” Javi jokes and then pauses when he sees your face.

You could let him have this misunderstanding. Pin it all on his assumption. You can see the cogs turning, the maths in his head, your near kiss makes sense to him now and your subsequent rejection.

You should let him believe this.

“Javi,” you say softly, “you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“So tell me,” he says bluntly, looking at you with plaintive eyes. “Help me understand.”

“He was a friend and now he’s not. It’s simple. No big drama,” you say, looking out of the window at the cerulean sky all around you.

“Well, something clearly happened.” Javi shifts forward towards you, his elbows on the plastic table between you, hands closer to yours. “Blue, did something happen yesterday? Do we need to -” You can hear a hint of alarm in his voice and quickly realise what he’s assuming.

“No, no. He didn’t - please, it’s nothing. It’s honestly not - I’m just - it’s nothing, Javi.”

“It’s nothing? Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

“It’s a long story.”

“Well, we’ve got time.” He shifts, moves his hands across the desk that divides you; the distance between your bodies feeling more like a chasm with each breath.

“It’s stupid, don’t worry about it, Javi. Nothing happened,” you say, aware you’re just repeating Simon’s own words and excuses to you. 

“Blue?”

There are wars in your head. Arguments screaming and competing to be the loudest. You want to tell him. You can’t tell him.

You have this overwhelming desire to bare your soul right now though, you would like him to know and to understand.

It’s pathetic though, you think, so trifling to someone like him. He’s worked for the DEA for around a decade; Javi’s heard and probably seen far, far worse things happen to people. Simon’s words repeat over and over in your mind.

“Nothing actually happened … he didn’t do anything to you.”

If nothing happened though, why did it affect you so much? You’ve prosecuted far more evil men in your career: murderers, rapists. You know how the world works. That office, those men, even without touching you they broke you down. Sometimes you hate yourself for that, that you let that happen.

“It’s okay,” Javi says suddenly, breaking you out of your thoughts. “I’m sorry I asked. You don’t have to -”

“I was applying for a promotion, for the same job Simon has now. I would have been running the department I worked for and I was ready for it. I was so ready for it, Javi. I - there were always comments and I’m used to that. I’ve been the only woman in my office many times before. I know what to expect, how to ignore it and block it out. I know people say about me behind my back.”

“Blue -”

“There was this guy though, not the guy from yesterday, not Simon. It was someone else.”

You pause, unwilling to say his name and wring your hands. Just thinking about taking about this has made your throat feel dry, your palms sweaty and there’s a slow building sense of dread.

You steal a look at Javi who’s calm and solid and you realise that right now you do want to explain it to him. You do want to tell him.

You’d like him to understand.

 It’s just finding the right words. The ones that don’t make it sound worse than it was, because you always worry that if you do that somehow you’re taking something away from the people who’ve really been through it. But it’s about finding the words that don’t lessen it either. You’re balancing on a tightrope of trying to convey the right tone, the right intent. You want to be dispassionate when you tell him about something you can never be dispassionate about.

“He made me feel uncomfortable,” you say after a moment. 

Javi furrows his brow at this. You notice the way he fidgets with his hand on the table; a tic you’ve noticed throughout the past few months. He flutters his fingers before clenching them together, it’s a telling physical manifestation of his nerves you’ve picked up over the months.

“Don’t look like that, Javi, he didn’t do anything, not really.”

“So he did do something?” Javi asks, his eyes have become so intensely dark they’re almost obsidian and his gaze is completely focused on you. You notice how he scans you over, almost checking as though there’s some type of physical mark or scar he can find and appoint to this story.

“Hey, who’s the lawyer here?” you ask, desperate to break the moment, shaking your head. Javi raises his hands in mock defeat and you take a deep breath.

“He made comments, a lot of them and they were - nothing unusual at first, but then maybe they felt almost a little sinister and I - I started to feel really vulnerable in the office. I had to work with him on this important case, we were alone and - and I know it was only words but still. Anyway, I made a complaint.” You regard the dark varnish on your nails, notice the chip on your left index finger before you look at the floor. “That was a mistake. Big mistake.”

“Blue,” Javi says sadly.

“I know, it doesn’t sound all that relevant yet. It will. Anyway, it didn’t go well. They just - closed ranks. My promotion was cancelled. I uh - everyone in the department talked about what had happened openly in the office. Everything I’d spent years working towards for slipped away from me in a second.”

“And what happened to the guy?”

”He didn’t face any consequences and uh, that’s where Simon comes in, I guess. He got my promotion. And uh, to do that, he sided with the guy when he spoke to my old boss. They all did. Only Simon told me beforehand that he believed me. Didn’t stop him from going after a promotion though.”

“Fucking asshole.”

“That was the worst part of it all -  Simon was my friend, Javi. I thought he was my friend.”

Even now you can hear the heavy pain in your voice when you say that, the way his betrayal had just been too much and had cut you open deeper than any knife could have.

“Oh, Blue. It’s okay, you don’t have to -”

“So obviously, I couldn’t stay there after that. When this opportunity came up, I figured I should just do it. Seize the day, right?”

“Seize the day,” Javi repeats flatly.

“And I ended up here.”

You don’t feel relief at your confession; you feel embarrassed. Javi’s DEA - he’s probably heard of far, far worse things happening to other women. Here you are, a mess over seeing someone who let you down once. Here you are, the woman who clearly just couldn’t take a joke.

“Stop that,” he says gently, reaching for your hand and gently squeezing it.

“Stop what?”

“I can see those thoughts going through your head. Don’t.”

“I just -”

“What a fucking shitbag,” he mumbles, “I’m sorry that happened.”

“Wasn’t you,” you say quietly. “It was a while ago, I’m over it. It just bought some stuff up.”

“If you’d told me last night -”

“What, you would have found out where he was and confronted him?”

“Maybe,” he says with a crooked smile and shrug.

“Javi.”

“Blue,” he says, teasingly matching your tone.

“How was Steve?” you ask, desperate to divert attention from yourself. Javi looks at you for a long moment and then nods.

“He was okay,” he says, “It was good to catch up. Hadn’t seen him since I was last in Colombia.”

“Well, I’m glad you got to see him.”

A comfortable silence falls that is only broken when the pilot announces you’ll be landing shortly.

You strain to look out of the window, at the lush greenery and dramatic topography of Colombia.

“It’s a nicer plane than when I first came here.”

“Yeah?”

“I was stuck next to this guy who took up far more room than he should have, so I had to virtually hang over the aisle and then he had the audacity to spend the flight loudly snoring. He also had gas.”

Javi scowls in sympathy. ”Jeez.”

“I know.”

The plane lands smoothly and before you know it, you’re both standing up, ready to get back to the embassy and world.

This flight, this whole trip, has felt like a strange interlude from reality. One filled with ghosts and memories; welcome ones for Javi and unpleasant ones for you.

You’re ready to get back into that open plan office, to hearing meaningless gossip from Linda.

Javi takes your bag from the locker without a word, balancing it precariously with his own suitcase.

“Hey, Javi?” you ask as he hands your handbag when you finally descend the gangway.

“Yeah, Blue?”

“None of my family knows. I told my parents, told Rafa, it was a change I’d been planning for some time.”

“Understood. Thanks for - thanks for sharing that with me, cariño.” Javi nods at you, an unspoken message passing between you.

You’re nervous when you head into the office next day. While you spent most of your working day with Javi yesterday and nothing else was said about what you discussed on the plane, it’s plagued you.

What if he is different with you? What if this is another mistake and he judges you - or worse, what if he pities you? You don’t think you could stand to stay in this job if he looks at you with pity.

He’s standing in his office when you arrive. Arms folded onto his hips, staring at a pile of papers on his desk.

“Hey Javi.”

“Hi.” He looks at up and smiles. It’s a rare sight and you’re glad you’re a professional because his smile could floor you. You have a feeling Javi’s not really struggled for company over the years; that between his puppy eyes and soft smile, the low dulcet tones of his voice, he knows exactly what he is doing.

“So  uh, what’s the plan?” you ask, taking a long sip from the mug of coffee you dutifully took from your office kitchen to Javi’s. You’re very glad the embassy safety representative didn’t see you, no doubt they’d tell you off for wandering around with open topped hot beverages.

You needed the coffee though, needed the defensive barriers you knew it would provide.

You didn’t really sleep much last night.

Jurado is a mess, the deal’s off and no matter how hard you tried, he just won’t talk without his wife.

“We’re going after Miguel Rodríguez,” he says after a pause. “That’s the next step.”

“Have we got a plan?”

“Yeah, we do. Feistl’s got an informant, we can get him, Blue. It’s not over yet.”

“It’ll need some thought, Javi - you don’t want to tip him off. Right now, from what I hear from the local prosecutors, things are not looking great. Miguel’s a loose cannon. It’s a worry. ”

“So, let’s stop him,” Javi says simply. “We’re nearly there.”

“Okay,” you reply, “Okay, Javi. I’m with you.”

Tag List

Secret Smile tag-list @darkroastjoel @sullyosully @catsickyellow @spishsstuff @casa-boiardi @living-for-jesus-and-telenovelas @pastelnap @babeincolor @iamskyereads @angelofsmalldeath-codeine

Everything Pedro tag-list: @harriedandharassed @pedrostories @hiroikegawa @pedrosaidsheispunk

If you want to be added to (or removed from) one of the tag lists, let me know or you can get notifications for @thelightsandtheroses-fics if you prefer. If you do not have an age or age range showing you are over 18, I will not add you to this list. I block ageless and blank blogs.

[tsukimefuku]

Human resources, tasukete!

You're concerned and decide to ask your friends about Jujutsu High's HR policies regarding romantic relationships.

Tags: Implied/Past Nanami x OC/f!Reader. Higuruma x OC/f!Reader. Slight jujusanpo vibes. Crack taken (somewhat) seriously. Slice of life vibes. Humor. Angst. Fluff. Gojo, Shoko and Ijichi are at a loss. Reader is terrified of Shoko.

This is part of my "Jujutsu Partners Canon Divergence AU". A sequence of short stories and random drabbles for a Nanami x Reader x Higuruma long fic I might write. To see the ever-growing list of one-shots and short stories, please visit my masterlist :) 

Disclaimer these stories are NOT written and posted in chronological order of events. To see where this story fits in the timeline, please check the masterlist mentioned above.

"So, Hiromi, I have some concerns." You said, sat beside him on a bench, as you both took a break from strolling around Tokyo. You had a bag of sweets to bribe Gojo the following day, and licked mindlessly at your popsicle.

"You always have concerns, my dear." Higuruma answered, sipping on his soda through the straw, glad the cold beverage provided him with some relief in such a hot day. "What is it?"

"I have no idea if we should be publicly involved. I mean, I don't mind keeping it to ourselves, but-" You stopped to ponder for a moment. "Does Jujutsu High even have some kind of policy regarding relationships in the workplace?"

He looked at you and shrugged. "Whichever you decide is fine by me." He took another sip. "They might, given there are some missions involving two or more parties."

"Yeah, but there are those two weird siblings that usually go together on every mission, so I don't know, really." You paused. "Do you think they need to follow labor laws of any sort?"

Higuruma snorted at the sheer absurdity of it, grinning sardonically. "Well, I really don't think so. And if they do, any sensible lawyer would refuse their case. I mean..." He vaguely gestured in the air.

You smiled, a little embarrassed at the stupid question. "Yeah. Probably not. But it is a possibility they have some sort of internal policy about it, so I'll try finding out about it, okay? Because they barely tolerate me, and your sentence is merely suspended, as far as we know."

"Well, if we make our relationship known," he said, pulling you from your waist to press against him. You chuckled, and he planted a small kiss on your lips. "I'll get to kiss you whenever, wherever. I'd like that very much."

***

"Spill it." Shoko said, turning around and looking straight at you, while holding her cup of coffee. You were both seated at the morgue, as you helped her with her reports, having nothing else to do today. She clearly noticed your eyes burning a hole through her back, choked up on words.

"So, if someone hypothetically had a relationship with a co-worker here in Jujutsu High, how should they proceed?"

"What?"

"I mean, paperwork. What should they do?" You explained.

She was silent for a few moments, a little taken aback by your question. "Are you and Nanami-"

You sighed. "Shoko, the question is hypothetical."

She walked towards you, putting her coffee cup over one of the gurneys, and hovered, ominously. You involuntarily made yourself smaller, pinching your shoulders, as you sat on a small bench.

"Well, hypothetically, are you and Nanami together?" She inquired. 

Shoko had seen the glances, smiles and eventual hugs you two had shared in vulnerable moments. On top of that, she was familiar with Nanami ever since high school, and knew for a fact he wasn't the smiley-huggy type of person. The tension between the two of you was palpable to anyone whenever you and him were both in the same vicinity.

"I don't know what you're talking about." You answered, slightly scared.

The ominous energy grew dire. Shoko wanted her tea and she was going to have it one way or the other.

You leaned back, defeated. "No, it's not Nanami."

"Say what now?" Shoko asked, surprised. "Who is it?"

"Can you promise me not to talk to anyone about this, please?" 

"Yeah, yeah, fine." She dismissed your concerns, shaking her hand in the air. "Now who is it? Don't tell me it's Gojo-"

"What the hell, Shoko!? Ugh, no, never." You answered, shivering, and not in a good way. A great friend, but a man child, after all. "It's Higuruma."

"Oh..." She let out, "He's kinda brooding, I can see the appeal. But... I always thought you and Nanami-"

"Me too. I was wrong, clearly." You replied, sharply, feeling a knot bubbling up your throat.

"What do you mean?" She inquired.

"Ask him." You spat out, grabbing her cup of coffee and taking a sip. You grimaced. How does this woman drink this with no sugar or sweetener whatsoever?

Shoko noticed your face twisting, taking the cup back from your hands. "Sugar is for the weak."

"Then, I'm a weakling." You retorted, getting up. "I'll try to find out if there is anything I should or not do about this regarding Human Resources, or whatever the hell you have in place here."

"I mean, if I were you, I'd just keep it to myself." She pointed out, earnestly.

"Well, I thought about it, but I'm worried that saying nothing might be detrimental to me or him, given our... Particularities."

"Hm. Maybe you're right." Shoko answered, as you made your way out of the morgue.

Nanami how tf did you let that happen?! Shoko chastised him, texting as soon as you left the morgue. 

Ieiri, I have no idea what you're referring to. Could you please be more specific?

The woman you so clearly love is dating what's-his-face black suit.

The typing icon appeared and disappeared on Shoko's screen around six times. It disappeared for a minute, and then came back, lasting a long time.

It's for the best. I hope she's happy.

On the other side of the conversation, Nanami was splayed over his sofa, staring at the ceiling, trying to not feel too sorry for himself. His efforts weren't working as well as expected, as he drowned in a mixture of jealousy and longing for you. But at least, like this, he'd surely have no other chance to slip up and hurt you like he did ever again. 

At least, he tried muttering to himself, willing this fantasy into existence.

At... Least. He covered his face with his forearm, sighing deeply, as he picked his book up to resume his reading session. The words on paper were no longer making any sense.

***

Gojo saw you approaching him in the dojo. He had his casual on, white long sleeve shirt and glasses, after training one of the first-years. 

"Hey, Satoru! How are you?" You said, walking towards the sorcerer holding a paper bag. "So, I remember you liked this particular type of kikufuku-"

"Stop right there," Gojo answered, leaned against the wall, tilting his head to the side with his frivolous smile plastered on his face. "I know bribery when I see it."

You sighed. "I mean, do you actually care that this is bribery or not?"

He chuckled, extending his hand and motioning you to proceed. "Of course I don't. Give it to me. What flavor are those?"

"Matcha."

"Oh, yeah. Very nice." Gojo said, satisfied, as he took the paper bag from your hands. "What do you want from me this time? Saving somebody else's life? Just my fantastic company? Tell me!"

You chuckled, sitting on the ground, looking up at him. "Human resources."

"... The what now?" He answered, pushing an entire kikufuku inside his mouth, looking very pleased. "Wow, I need to know where you bought these. Is it a new store?"

"That's unimportant right now." You shut down his rising antics. "If someone has a relationship with a co-worker here at Jujutsu High, do they have to report it?"

Gojo looked at you, surprised, swallowing his sweets. "Hm... Seriously?"

"What?"

"Why would I know the answer to that question? Do I look like I have a secret sorcerer affair or something?"

"... Huh? This isn't about you, Satoru. What the hell." You retorted, incredulous. "I just need to know if there is any paperwork involved."

He simply shrugged, munching away. "Beats me. No idea."

This was useless.

You got up, in frustration, and that was when Gojo actually processed the words you just had said. "Wait, what do you mean 'you need to know' anything about that? Are you-"

"Bye, pretty boy!" You said, leaving the dojo completely empty-handed. What a waste of money on those kikufuku. Gojo seemed happy to receive them, at least.

***

"Ijichi, you're my last hope!" You jumped him, almost yelling, and the man nearly passed out when you left the bushes looking like a maniac. He thought Master Tengen's shields could have been compromised, and he was being lunged at by a curse.

You were walking around the campus relentlessly, like a predator in the middle of a hunt, trying to catch Ijichi before he left, considering most of his days were spent at home office, from what you had gathered.

"Y-yes, Ms.? H-how can I help you?" He asked, shaking briefly like a frail twig, before recomposing himself and adjusting his tie.

"How do I report a romantic relationship to whatever you guys have for human resources? Or I don't have to?" You asked, holding his shoulders, looking intently at the man, while taken by some kind of desperation.

He was, indeed, your last hope, before you had to speak directly to Yaga in order to inquire him about it.

Ijichi blankly stared at you, buffering your question before he could muster up an answer. "We don't really deal with those kinds of things administratively. So you don't have to report anything, I g-guess." Are she and Nanami-san...? He began pondering, mentally.

Ijichi never got to finish his thought, though.

You sighed, relieved, and pulled him into your arms, hugging the assistant tightly, almost jumping like a schoolgirl. "You're my hero, thank you!" 

His face faintly blushed at the sudden appreciation received from a sorcerer, with no back-handed innuendo. "Y-You're... Welcome."

You let him go, smiled, and started frolicking your way out of the campus, glad there was nothing to report to any kind of higher authority other than your own anxiety due to this whole situation. 

[good-chimes]

Performance Evaluations

---start file---

From The Desk Of His Majesty’s Most Private Of Areas: A True And Accurate Evaluation Of Growth Opportunities For The Knights Of The Square Table, The Loyal Court of Ren the King, As Suggested By The HR Department

(Note to self: when did we acquire an HR department? Ask Bdubs.) {We have always had the Royal HR Department, your Majesty! It consists of your loyal servant Bdubs.}

Scar:

Title: h0tgUy! (Note: is this even a real rank?) {Your Royal Heraldry Department (Bdubs) has declared it a rank, your Majesty!}

Good Points:

Intense and disturbing masculine energy

Unhinged (on second thoughts, move this to Areas for Improvement)

Star power? Think I saw him in a movie once. Keeps being mentioned. {If your Royal Cinematography Department may come in with a point here, your Majesty, I think Scar made that movie up.}

Areas for Improvement:

Late

Unhinged (on third thoughts, move this back to Good Points)

Cub:

Title: Sir Cubalot (Note: cannot say this without Scar laughing, order investigation into reason)

Good Points:

Magic

Very magic

Shining purple eyes!

Magic awaits!

Areas for Improvement

{Your Majesty, we have yet to witness Sir Cubalot actually do any magic} – Note: Don’t be silly, Bdubs, magic takes time. Add to his file: brought cake.

Joe:

Title: Sir JoeHills of the Says (Note: work out what a ‘first name’ is, people have been commenting)

Good Points:

Strong supporter of our cutting-edge fiscal policy

A positive attitude towards responsibility

Folksy idioms show that I, Ren the King, have the Common Touch {A WONDERFUL common touch, your Majesty!}

Areas for Improvement:

Please teach him how doors work {Note: send to Training Department (Bdubs)}

Cleo:

Title: Lady Cleo (Note: this does seem to be a real title, congratulations to my impeccable heraldry talents)

Good Points:

Has assured me several times she is not working to depose me and I believe her

Intimidating aura

Intimidates the enemies of the Crown

Areas for Improvement:

Also slightly intimidates his Majesty the King

Refuses to wear very fashionable glasses

{Very hurtful about Bdubs’ Command and Conquer skills}

Bdubs:

Title: {Royal Secretary, Royal Treasurer, Royal Architect, Royal Laptop Owner, Royal Impulse Skull Manipulator, please see annex for other titles}

Outstanding loyalty is a shining example which no one else seems to be following

Positive mindset ditto

Is the only person around here who can work a computer, must get him to show me how {To be actioned by the IT Department (Bdubs)}

Areas for improvement:

Was at party {for excellent reasons I do not need to enquire about and I fully pardon him and am sorry I let Scar threaten him}

Playing computer games during official meetings {which I find to be a charming quirk that brings levity to official business, and for his great work I should give him a substantial raise}

This will now be proclaimed with speed and splendor to my knights of the square table. {Note: send to Communications Department(Bdubs)}. My knights: go forth with an accurate understanding of your opportunities for personal growth, and make your king proud.

---end file---

false@eagle.craft: why am I on this mailing list? Bdubs, do you know what a ‘cc’ field is?

impulse@soup.group: no, no, please continue

grian@stillnotresisting.craft: OH MY GOD YOU ARE ALL MAKING THIS SO HARD

[queerdiazs]

summarizing my wips (poorly)

(swear to god i'm writing but work was hard today and i'm beat into the ground + this sounds SO fun, lol)

the pipeline from fucking in the backseat of your truck to solving an arsonist case is so real, says mr diaz

eddie cosplays as buck's boyfriend and it blows up in his face but it's okay because they still fuck really nasty about it

now why the hell is hr interrogating eddie for buck's life insurance policy

that man is a WHORE take him off the frontlines before he falls to his knees and starts sucking buck's dick!

OKLAHOMA where the wind comes sweeping through the plains

"that bitch deserves to die and you can tell them i said it" written by e. diaz, 2024

buck emotionally edges eddie and it ends in a fight but it's okay they still get married

buck, shaking like a 23 yr old chihuahua: where have u been

buck's dick breaks eddie. not clickbait.

if these police officers do not let eddie go right now he swears he's gonna start crying

(there's more but we don't have to get into them right now so we're stopping at 10)

tagged by @tizniz, @honestlydarkprincess, and @wikiangela, mwah

tagging @spagheddiediaz (who has IDEAS if not wips that she needs to share because her brain is fuckin gorgeous), @jeeyuns (i saw the list of gifsets you want to create), @puppyboybuckley (i am eyeballing u so hard right now), @devirnis, @exhuastedpigeon, @actualalligator, and @daffi-990 if any of you wanna share anything!

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Kathleen Stock

Published: Apr 14, 2024

It is a cliché that when the US sneezes, the world catches a cold. Thankfully, when it comes to the phenomenon of wokeness — loosely understood as a box set of holier-than-thou attitudes about race, gender identity and sexual minorities, with accompanying punishment beatings for dissenters — many now appear to be reaching for the antivirals.

A friend of mine who teaches in a famous North American liberal arts college, full of achingly cool rich kids, tells me her undergrads are “so over” pronoun rounds, eye-rolling whenever staff try to introduce them in the classroom. Taste-making East Coast broadsheets are dipping nervous toes in the water on subjects such as unfair male advantage in women’s sport and the experimental status of medicalised child transition, having avoided or spiked such stories for years. The once ubiquitous hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has fallen out of favour with many, after accusations that the founders of the namesake organisation misused donations and enriched themselves.

Meanwhile in Britain, football players taking the knee are an increasingly rare sight. Organisations such as Sports England and the Arts Council are quietly exiting Stonewall’s Diversity Champions scheme, and the once-ebullient charity no longer feels confident enough to advertise the list of members on its own website. Free speech societies are forming with renewed vitality in British universities; and last week even saw those bellwethers of middle-class humour, the blokes on Have I Got News For You, pluck up courage to make a tentative joke about gender identity flags in NHS hospitals.

So can the rest of us — the ones who knew all along that wokeness was a pseudo-progressive hobby for guilty rich people, role-playing as meaningful political action — relax? Unfortunately not yet. For I’m afraid the demise of woke won’t be like the end of toothbrush moustaches, indie folk music or any other temporary behaviour supercharged by the whims of the young and the hip, then dropped without consequence. Wokeness, in contrast, is a bit like a hulking great boulder launched into the middle of a calm lake: waves will be crashing on the shoreline long after the epicentre bears no trace.

The most obvious difference between wokeness and other passing fashions is that nobody working in HR ever decreed that moustache-wearers or indie folk-listeners be considered uniquely oppressed minority groups. In contrast, thanks to wild and unevidenced claims made at the height of wokemania by lobbying groups, thousands of organisations have been left with unfair, illiberal and sometimes even illegal policies that blatantly cater to the special interests of a few: rules about how social spaces can be accessed and by whom; what data can and cannot be collected; what conversations are allowed and which are not. Policies tend to dictate organisational behaviour long after those who first championed them move on ideologically; and especially when propped up by a raft of specially created career positions, whose occupants have a financial interest in maintaining the momentum.

And alongside such policies, superficially moralised gestures have become embedded in many workplaces, embraced by senior figures for no better reason than they think everyone else is doing it too and by junior figures because the boss is doing it. Students at liberal arts colleges may no longer be listing their pronouns but the head of MI6 currently has his in his Twitter/X bio. Activist-sanctioned holy weeks and days are carefully observed by blue-chip managers. Hospitals, construction sites, police stations, council buildings, banks and hotels are festooned with the visual monstrosity that is the Progress flag. None of this happened with the craze for platform shoes or Agas.

In effect, the storm-surge of wokeness throughout British institutions from 2020 onwards was what the political scientist Cass Sunstein has called a “reputational cascade”: a relatively small number of people started acting in a certain way, each for roughly independent reasons; then at a certain point, a wider group of people started observing the behaviour of the smaller group and copying them, each privately assuming their reputations would be damaged if they did not. Before long, this pattern expanded exponentially, helped by the odd bit of public witch-burning.

Here again is a difference with more benign aesthetic crazes: if you don’t keep up with the moral version, you risk losing your social circle or even your job. But the reputational cascade that was wokeness didn’t just deter dissent from those frightened to swim against the perceived tide. It also incentivised opportunists, who actively used the surging tide to swim further ahead than their competitors. Many organisations latched on to it as a positive marketing strategy, thereby creating workplace structures and habits that, from the inside, now seem very difficult to unpick.

Perhaps, though, we shouldn’t be too gloomy. For of course, the existence of a reputational cascade doesn’t require sincere belief in the rectitude or wisdom of whatever behaviours you are copying, only the sincere belief that nearly everybody else thinks such behaviours are good ones. And, while no doubt depressing as a fact about human nature, this also has an upside: it only takes widespread realisation that other people don’t actually believe what you thought they believed for a reputational cascade to collapse. As organisations start to cotton on properly to the fact the tides of fashion are turning, it will be interesting to see what happens next.

[ Via: https://archive.today/z6ilh ]

==

This feels like it belongs with my "decline of religion" tag.

We're going to see a lot of historical revisionism, lying, ass-covering and gaslighting as the hold of "woke" falls apart, first gradually, then very, very quickly.

The Salem Witch Trials ended almost as quickly as they began once people in charge stopped pretending that they believed the crazy little girls and their theatrics.

The fallout and damage is going to be with us for a long time to come, though.

[dollsonmain]

I did not sleep at all last night. I even went and laid down in the guest room after That Guy got up where I usually pass right out but I didn't sleep in there, either.

I feel like All the Shit.

Long morning ramble.

Sleeping in a night cap is annoying but it's keeping my ends from being fried for longer. My hair's texture was already chef's kiss, now it's double chef's kiss.

-

That Guy said that he has to run the car tax payment to town on his way home from work today but DO NOT try to walk home if he's not there when I get off work because it's going to be nearly 100F and wait for him to pick me up.

He also said he'll have to start looking for another car, which should have been done a very, very long time ago because I could have been working as soon as Son expressed and demonstrated that I wasn't needed by him anymore. Don't take that the wrong way, I don't mean he said "I don't need you." he said things like he'd like to go to the bus stop by himself and has shown that he can be trusted on his own, etc.

I did intend to get my own car (or a truck), but if he buys one and doesn't expect me to pay for it (though he may expect me to pay for it) that lets me put more into savings for later.

I think That Guy is suddenly aware of how difficult he's made it for me to work all this time, which is interesting because I really did think he did it on purpose and then was blaming me.

He was saying that to drop me off and pick me up at the mail room job he'd only be able to work 4 hours a day. Granted he'd earn more in that four hours than I will in 12 hours even with this moderately big pay rate. And I was like yes, that's why I'd been limiting my job search to positions on your normal route (as he'd demanded), but this job pays much more per hour than any of the others I can do locally and I have experience which makes it more likely I'd get in, so it's worth the extra time and effort in my opinion.

$19.23/hr is THE highest income I've seen locally for almost ANY job, actually... There was one federal job that requires a TS clearance that pays like $65/hr, most are paying around $15 with some management positions offering $17 - $24. The gas station I'm at is actually one of the lowest at $10 though there are some places offering $8.50. Because they can.

He did say he'd thought it was a federal mail position and I'd get the Big Bennies and retirement but I'd just be an employee of Goodwill so not get the USPS packet. I'm not the only one that's been confused by how the job was listed.

The actually bennies:

50% Company-paid Health Insurance After 30 days of employment and begins the first day of the first month after employees’ first 30 days.

Company-paid Life Insurance

Company-paid Long-Term Disability (LTD) and Accidental Death and Dismemberment (AD&D) insurance

Dental Insurance – Guardian Dental

Vision Insurance – Davis Vision

Supplemental Insurances – Colonial Life and Legal Shield

401(k) – The company matches up to 4% of salary and is available for enrollment after six months of employment.

Employee Assistance Program (EAP)

Resource Assistance Program (RAP)

Direct Deposit

Vacation Leave – Twelve days of vacation available after 3 months of employment.

Sick Leave – 6 days that can be used after 30 days of employment.

Personal Days – 3 days that can be used starting on your first day.

Holiday Pay – 8 paid holidays after 30 days of employment.

That's not as good as federal, but is pretty good.

-

It's like he's only just now understanding what telling me to get insurance, which meant getting a job because he won't let the insurance companies look at his finances to prove that I can afford insurance and won't sell a policy to someone with less than $1k in the bank and no income, MEANS.

It means me being even more physically exhausted, in more pain, chores not getting done, falling asleep at the dinner table while eating....

He really did not expect me to throw myself out into the world like i have, and does not seem to have understood just how much of an inconvenience me working would be for him.

Like, he was crunching the numbers because he doesn't want to be thrown into a higher tax bracket even if it means more money coming in overall, but I think I'd be filing separately anyway so I can get back as much as possible without it being on a check in his name.

I wonder if the mail room folks get any sort of tax preparation deals since we're working IN an IRS office... Wouldn't that be nice to be able to say "It's my turn" and go sit down with an IRS prepper and do your taxes in person to be sure they're very correct?

So, I think I mentioned already the hours are 6:30-3 which is kind of nice as I do like getting my day over with early and I'd still be getting up at 3:30 with That Guy anyway so it's not like I'd have to change my sleep schedule at all.

The lady on the phone also cleared up some confusion for me about why the job listing said Goodwill, then IRS, and talking about custodial jobs????

So, I'd be an employee of Goodwill, and Goodwill contracts out those employees to other places, specifically the local Goodwill contracts out to federal and military establishments (the IRS building is on a small National Guard base so I do have to go through a checkpoint and get the car searched which is annoying and I hope I don't have to do that EVERY day, like I hope I get an ID card I just scan and can get in or something...) and their contract has been running so long with this IRS branch that Goodwill's sign is on the building.

The custodial job mention was them pointing anyone that IS severely disabled toward that job instead of the mail room position because the custodial job is slow paced which makes it suitable for people with developmental delays who may need more time to complete a task. But the whole job listing was a mess.

I do need to ask when the next bid is, because I could get hired on, the contract be rebid, and Goodwill lose which would leave me with no work until another contract was picked up, or could also mean a pay cut if they have to undercut another contractor to get the lowest bid and it's good to know what to expect.

She also said that some of the small mail crew, which is about 5 people (to me that is a lot because I'm used to being alone in the mail room) bring in knitting or crochet projects because it's slow now and then. That's generally when I would pick up a broom or a bottle of cleanser but I wouldn't mind crocheting at work :P

Also need to ask about lunch because the work day is exactly 8 hours so unless lunch is paid, I'd not be getting paid for 8 hours of work every day.

-

Anyway I've been feeling the guilt about maybe jumping jobs so soon (my start date would likely be mid August if not a little later), but I also helped find a vendor for something the gas station needed and that helps two people [who aren't me make more money... hm....] so I guess I don't feel too bad.

Manager asked me if I bake because people have been asking for fresh baked goods and I said no, I hate cooking and you can't make me do it, BUT I know that one of Son's classmates' moms bakes and is selling things through the local 7-11 so I'll ask if they'd be interested and they are. They should get in contact with the gas station any day now.

My suggestion is that the baker take some samples to the gas station and go talk to Manager in person, but I'm not the one running the business.

[whumpster-fire]

25 Exciting Phrases to Spice Up Your Next Business e-Mail

1: "Dear Motherfucker,"

2: "To whom it may concern, as well as the entire company directory who I am cc'ing because none of you care about my time so I don't care about yours,"

3: If you'd like to know why I am sending this e-mail, please consider reading it for fucking once."

4: "If I do not see conclusive evidence of your head being out of your ass in the next 3-5 business days, I will remove it from your shoulders."

5: "Please attach a current headshot and resume: the latter so I can laugh at your alleged qualifications, the former so I can print it out and put it on a dartboard as advised by HR's Anger Management Seminar"

6: "Due to the considerable destructive forces at my command,"

7: "Cc'ing The Pope on this one to keep him in the loop since the magnitude of this clusterfuck is nothing short of Biblical,"

8: "This is the fourth e-mail I have sent asking you to do your goddamn job. The fifth will be attached to a brick hurled through your office window. You do not want to know what the sixth will be, so get your shit together ASAP please."

9: "Please keep in mind that refraining from inappropriate use of the Reply All button is the only thing separating us from descending into complete Lord Of the Flies anarchy."

10: "All, please review the selection of Dilbert cartoons attached below and reflect on how they might be relevant to the current situation and your role in it."

11: "The Carpool Committee has unanimously voted to play exclusively Alvin And the Chipmunks songs in any vehicle you are a passenger in for a month the next time you schedule a mandatory meeting before 8 AM."

12: "The potted Ficus tree by the 4th Floor break room will be taking the lead on this project from this point on since it is more qualified than any of you."

13: "I didn't think I needed to inform everyone that 'accidentally' stapling your balls to get out of Company Spirit Meetings early is against company policy. However,"

14: "Due to recent events, any personal office supplies brought from home, e.g. paperweights, must now be checked with a Geiger counter."

15: "Please be advised that if you reply with a question that indicates you have not read and understood the list of action items below in its entirety, I will kick you in the teeth so hard you will chew with your appendix in the future."

16: "We regret to announce that Sean is now an outlaw and no longer protected by our Workplace Violence Policy. This decision was not made lightly, but the current situation re: the break room microwaves has forced our hand. Cc'ing Sean to keep him in the loop."

17: "Please keep in mind that you are neither the most profitable nor the most important of our clients, and your disproportionate share of billable hours is due primarily to your whininess, entitled attitude, and inability to give a straight answer."

18: "If you feel the need to contact me outside my scheduled hours, please write your issue on a piece of letter sized paper, then roll it up, seal it inside a glass bottle, and cast it into the ocean. This will get a faster response than emailing, calling, or texting me at 1 in the fucking morning."

19: "Team, As a result of employees being bombarded with hundreds of e-mails after inadvertently hitting reply all, we are now instituting the following change to our e-mail communication policy: to help prevent duplicate corrections, when admonishing a coworker who you feel has used Reply All inappropriately, please make sure to use Reply All as well so the other recipients can see that the responsible party has already been notified of their mistake."

20: "Cc'ing you on every e-mail about this issue due to your record of not giving a shit about a problem unless your time is being wasted."

21: "Please do not disturb the protective circle of salt around the 2nd fridge from the left in the break room, and do not under any circumstances open it without appropriate PPE and an escort from an old priest and a young priest."

22: "After consulting with Legal and HR, we have determined that the ficus tree by the 4th floor break room dispersing pollen into the office environment does not constitute a violation of our sexual harassment policy. Also, please be advised that the ficus tree is female and is not the source of your pollen allergies. No disciplinary action will be taken against it. However, your repeated complaints targeted at the ficus tree based on its status as a plant may constitute a hostile work environment. Please meet with HR ASAP to discuss this further."

23: "Team, Placing an 'Elf On the Shelf' in any location on company premises or within your home office where it may be able to see, overhear, or access proprietary information will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination of employment. Company proprietary data may not be divulged to any unauthorized third parties, and that includes Santa Claus."

24: "Cc'ing Santa Claus to keep him in the loop on this one."

25: "Sincerely, The Only Guy Who Does His Goddamn Job Around Here."

[ioletia]

You know what I hate about capitalism more than anything? That corporations can just steal. Steal from you, steal from me, steal from everyone and get away with it.

Recently I had an interaction with a District Manager that left me going, "Well, fuck this job, I'm finding a new one." And I did, but not before also being physically assaulted by a coworker. Fun. I resigned immediately, wrote up a fancy letter detailing the assault, the harassment, and the literal legality of paying me my due compensation. What happened?

Well, HR tried to contact me to get more information, to which I declined. I no longer worked for the company and so their investigation into any of this was really none of my damn business at that point. They refused to talk about my compensation at all to the point of saying, "At that time, we’ll proceed with next steps of accepting your resignation." We were at a standstill. I refused to comply with their investigation, and they refused to talk about my final pay.

TO WIT, we, and most other Americans, live in an at will state, meaning that employment can be terminated for any reason at any time barring contract or protected status. The company might have some internal policy regarding resignation notices, but you are under no obligation to respect them. The moment you resign a clock begins ticking. Depending on what state you live in, the company in question has a set amount of time to pay you your fair compensation. There's a list here, although it's always best to check your state's labor department website for more accurate information.

In my state they had until the next payday to pay me. Today is that day. And they didn't. I even contacted them yesterday when I saw the balance pre-deposited into my bank account was incorrect. I literally pointed out the exact state statute detailing what wages consist of, how long they had to pay me, and that they had by the end of today to pay the correct amount or they were in violation of the law. And they didn't even bother responding, or paying me. Almost $400 of vacation and PTO I'm owed. They just stole it.

So, I had to spend two hours today gathering up all of this information, putting it into a easy to read summation of events, and send that off to the labor department to investigate. And what sort of punishment will the company receive once the labor department decides they were in the wrong... Nothing. Nothing. Corporations can just get away with this shit. This is why wage theft is the most common and well practiced type of theft out there.

It took me nearly two hours of gathering all the documentation up to support my claim. It's going to take I don't know how many more hours for the labor department to investigate. All for what amounts to pocket change for a multi-billion dollar international company known as Sherwin Williams.

These corporation cost America money. Period. They steal money from their workers and then force tax payers to subsidize the labor departments to fight those wages out of these greedy corporations' hands. Corporations are parasites that need to be heavily controlled. I mean, what else would you call something that literally exists off the back of someone else if not a parasite?