#listen I am never a suffer in silence girly

[littlespoonevan]

always so wild to me when u can actually feel medication working like I have a really bad headcold rn and when I dragged myself up off the couch earlier to brush my teeth I Truly felt like I was going to collapse I was so weak but then I took my little cold and flu tablet and now, legit less than half an hour later, I feel almost human again???? Remarkable

[harry-hollands]

my boyfriend’s boyfriends

(a potential au stemming from ‘who does it better?’)

a part two to ‘who does it better’ but can be read as a stand alone.

part 1

alex turcotte x fem!hockey player reader

*PICTURES ARE FROM TWITTER, INSTAGRAM, AND MY OWN PERSONAL ONES I TOOK (10-28-2023)*

(inspired by faithlynn’s @babydollmarauders series media management and kaylin’s @starsandhughes series penalty box. if you haven’t checked them out, PLEASE DO THEYRE AMAZING)

yourusername

liked by quintonbyfield, _alexturcotte, and 42,752 others

yourusername: on today’s episode of “i had a day off at work and my boyfriend and best friend and son had team bonding today so i was left alone because my other roommates had a game tonight”, i decided that i, was going to support my boyfriend’s boyfriends—i mean roommates!

how generous of me right? i was in the upper bowl to watch the game so no one saw me but as is my job to be a professional nuisance to centers and defenders to keep the lethal flying piece of rubber out of my pretty net, i had to humble them somehow during warm ups.

for those wondering why i’m wearing my boyfriend’s boyfriend #2’s jersey, i lost a bet with him. for those also wondering what the bet was, it was on my boyfriend. i THOUGHT my boyfriend was a sweet person but apparently he took a page out of the enemy of silence’s book (@/trevorzegras) and got TWO penalties last game.

turcs was not impressed as you can imagine, and neither was homewrecker (@/jordanjs224) because apparently “homewreckers need to stick together and that comes with wearing my jersey” idk man im just their roommate that willingly has pieces of rubber shot at me at lethal speeds

despite my works of art, i also included other works of art from the professionals. (im legally obligated to make them look good like 3.8% of the time)

as much as i’d love to say that the boyfriends came out victorious, they did not 🥲

my boys played v*gas and lost in shootout but at least we got a point!

my cutie patootie laffy @/alaf14 (kings’s version, not to be confused with the rags’) SCORED HIS SECOND GOAL OF THE SEASON ON HIS TAYLOR SWIFT BIRTHDAY! you made me so proud 🫶🏼

next up, the infuriating maple leafs; auston matthews, I HAVE BEEF WITH YOU (i will be watching from home because it’s where my job is)

buckle up babes, turcs baby (@/_alexturcotte), my son (@/brandtclarke55), and my best friend (@/francesco.pinelli71) play tomorrow against the baby canucks and i don’t know if i’ll have the right mental state to watch them (i have to im their emergency goalie 🤠)

(ps m*rk st*ne, nicolas hague, brayden mcnabb, and ivan barbashev i hope you all suffer a 10 game losing streak you fucking bitch babies. DONT GO AFTER MY CUTIE PATOOTIE!!!)

tagged quintonbyfield, jordanjs224, lakings, anzekopitar, kevinfiala22, duber18, alaf14

view comments

quintonbyfield: WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT PICTURE OF ME?? HOW—?!

yourusername: @/quintonbyfield oh q baby, it’s all over twitter

quintonbyfield: @/yourusername oh, so you got it from twitter, got it

yourusername: @/quintonbyfield how do you think twitter got it? 🤭🫡

quintonbyfield: @/yourusername YOU LITTLE BI—

jordanjs224: oh my god. i look ATROCIOUS

quintonbyfield: @/jordanjs224 good. suffer.

jordanjs224: @/quintonbyfield alright listen here you little asshole—

_alexturcotte: @/jordanjs224 @/quintonbyfield babes, there’s no need to fight! cant we all just get along?

jordanjs224: @/_alexturcotte shut up, this ain’t about you

_alexturcotte: @/jordanjs224 🥲

quintonbyfield: @/_alexturcotte i would never treat you this way

yourusername: @/_quintonbyfield @/jordanjs224 if y’all are gonna fight, at least do it when y’all get home please? i need some entertainment in my life

francesco.pinelli71: @/yourusername am i not enough for you? 🤨

yourusername: @/francesco.pinelli71 YOU’RE LITERALLY LEAVING FOR COLORADO MONDAY 🤠

fan23: she’s feeding the jordan girlies 🤭

fan55: oh my god?? q?? holy fuck y/n KNOWS what she’s doing taking these photos

alaf14: y/n you didn’t need to threaten them, im okay 😭

yourusername: @/alaf14 you were practically thrown to the ice like a ragdoll and then you got HIGH STICKED and were BLEEDING and you’re telling me you’re “okay”??? dude…

alaf14: @/yourusername it’s hockey it happens. besides, YOU WILLINGLY HAVE PUCKS FLYING AT LETHAL SPEEDS AT YOUR FACE AND YOU STOP THEM WITH YOUR BODY

yourusername: @/alaf14 why are you YELLING?? im making sure everyone knows that if they hurt you that they are on my hit list. i will do what flower did to bedsy and trip them up

alaf14: @/yourusername that’s a sure way you don’t make it in the nhl

yourusername: @/alaf14 i will trip you up if you don’t shut the fuck up

alaf14: @/yourusername YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE KEEP DOING YOU 🫡

yourusername: @/alaf14 that’s what i thought <33

fan15: wait y/n is their emergency goalie?? how did i not know this information?

yourusername: @/fan15 it’s not widely advertised but im tryna be a big girl in the big leagues 🫶🏼

fan15: @/yourusername OMG THANK YOU

francesco.pinelli71: thank you for humbling them. clarkey and i have been dying of laughter for five minutes and turcs is looking at us like a disappointed father

yourusername: @/francesco.pinelli71 i live to serve, but i think it’s been established that turcs is disappointed father and im eccentric mother

francesco.pinelli71: @/yourusername YOU’RE SO RIGHT

_alexturcotte: @/yourusername @/francesco.pinelli71 i regret introducing the two of you

francesco.pinelli71: @/_alexturcotte i dont !

yourusername: @/_alexturcotte @/francesco.pinelli71 i don’t either!

fan12: y/n’s friendships with alex’s best friends >>>

brandtclarke55: MOM I WANNA BE LIKE YOU WHEN I GROW UP

liked by yourusername, francesco.pinelli71 and _alexturcotte

_alexturcotte: thank you for humbling my boyfriends. they’re not allowed to have their egos inflated.

yourusername: @/_alexturcotte of course, my love! expect nothing less!

quintonbyfield: @/_alexturcotte @/yourusername FUCKING OFFENDED???

jordanjs224: @/quintonbyfield @/_alexturcotte is this what betrayal feels like?

quintonbyfield: @/jordanjs224 fuck you.

jordanjs224: @/quintonbyfield time and place

_alexturcotte: @/quintonbyfield @/jordanjs224 without me?

quintonbyfield: @/_alexturcotte @/jordanjs224 never babygorl

yourusername: @/quintonbyfield @/jordanjs224 @/_alexturcotte 💀

_alexturcotte: i love you, my darling <33

yourusername: @/_alexturcotte i love you more, my love <33

~

a/n: i hope you enjoyed this little installment! i have a halloween one planned and am working on a blurb about worlds!! there will also be hopefully a blurb on turcs introducing her to the boys. I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING

as always, reblogs, likes, and comments are always appreciated 🫶🏼

~soph <33

[restlessfandoming]

campfire in the snow (chilumi)

hey friends back again with that fanfic writing :^)

this is my headcannon that childe absolutely suffers during the colder winter months as a hydro user (based on this post here) so SOMEONE’s gotta take care of him

in other words, a chilumi...chilumine? lumichilde? CHILDE X LUMINE sick fic !!!

thanks for reading as always <3

[Fic Masterlist]

“campfire in the snow”

“Ahchoo!” 

Lumine glanced at Childe, watching him sniffle miserably as they walked through the woods towards Mondstadt. 

The sky was overcast, giving the land the hazy gray glow of winter, and the chilly temperature felt stiff against shivering bodies—their coats only warming them slightly. Their shoes crunched in the snow from last night’s snowstorm; the promise of another snowfall hung in the air. 

“Are you sick?” Lumine asked. 

Childe gave a weak smile. “Of course not. In top shape as always.” Then, AHCHOO! Another sneeze. 

Paimon popped up in front of the Harbinger’s face, staring directly at his red nose. “You don’t sound so good to me. Paimon thinks you’re sick!”

“Hate to say it, but I definitely agree with Paimon,” Lumine said, ignoring the guide’s flailing arms of anger. “I think we need to get you somewhere warm.” 

The orange haired man playfully scoffed. “All I need to do is speak with the Grand Master of the Knights. Easiest mission of my—sniff—life.”

The traveler stopped in her tracks, and took off her own scarf, holding it out for Childe. “Then at least take this. I think you need this more than me.”

He looked at the scarf, eyes almost glazing over from yearning. He shook his head. “I’d never take something from a lady in need.” 

Lumine almost threw the scarf at him. “I’m not in need.”

“And she’s not a lady; have you seen her eat?”

“Paimon.”

“Paimon only tells the truth!”

“Thank you, really, but it’s just a little reaction to the colder weather. No big deal,” Childe assured, walking past Lumine’s offering. 

“What’s his problem?” she muttered, as he walked ahead. She heard him coughing in the distance. Why won’t he just take it? 

“He doesn’t seem so threatening now, does he?” Paimon said. “Paimon’s never seen him so weak…”

“Weak…,” Lumine echoed. 

Of course. 

Childe was a member of the Fatui. A Harbinger. A deadly fighter. Someone who used a bow despite it being his weakest weapon. 

He would never accept help like this, not when it made him feel weak. 

Lumine groaned in frustration. Stupid, stupid man. She continued on the path, picking up her pace to try and catch up to him. 

Except he was nowhere to be seen. The cold set into her body a little more. 

“Childe?” she called out. She ran down the path, eyes scanning every inch of the snowy road and fields. Then—

“Lumine, look!” Paimon shouted, speeding over to Childe’s body laying in the snow. 

The blonde traveler quickly scrambled to his side, flipping him over so his face wasn’t buried in the snow. He was drained of color, and his body felt ice cold. There was barely air leaving his nose. 

“Childe!” she called, shaking him. Wake up; please, wake up! 

He didn’t move. Lumine cursed. 

“What should we do?” Paimon asked frantically. 

Lumine took a deep breath in, then took off her own coat and scarf, placing it on Childe’s shoulders. She shuddered as the winter air nipped at her skin. 

“Now you’re gonna freeze to death!”

“It’s okay, Paimon,” she said, beginning to pick up the unconscious man. “We need to find somewhere to stop and start a fire.”

Paimon nodded worriedly, trying to (unsuccessfully) help Lumine shoulder Childe. The traveler eventually had his arm slung across her shoulders, and her arm gripped his waist. 

The three shuffled down the path, searching for any sort of shelter or firewood. As time went on, Lumine felt colder and colder, her whole body beginning to ache under the weight of Childe. Every so often, she would call out his name, hoping to hear a response, but there was nothing. 

As she crested the top of the hill, she spotted a tiny cabin at the base. Her ragged breath became concentrated as she mustered up the last of her energy to drag Childe there. 

“Almost...there…,” she strained out. No response. 

“Come on! You can do it!” Paimon cheered, though her scared expression betrayed her positivity. 

Lumine was mere feet away from the door when she heard a familiar high pitched and distorted laughter ring out behind her. 

An Abyss Mage! 

She turned to see it prancing around in its bubble, icicles swirling around it. 

Great, a Cryo Mage at that.

She set Childe down gently, then drew her sword. The blade shook in her hand, her teeth chattering. And she still felt winded. But I have to protect us. 

“Try to wake him up,” she told Paimon. The tiny fairy nodded and started tapping his shoulder.

Lumine charged the mage. Her blade scraped against the frozen barrier. She slashed frantically, making miniscule scratches. Around her, icicles fell as the mage chanted spell after spell. It took all of her will to continuously dodge the attacks. Charging enough energy, she unleashed a Palm Vortex. The shield cracked considerably. 

I can do this. She leapt at the mage, striking a few times, then casted a Gust Surge. The bubble crackled. A few more hits and the shield will be down. Then, it’ll be a piece of cake. 

She started concentrating, trying to summon another Palm Vortex, when an icicle came unexpectedly from the side, slamming into her. She crumpled to the ground. 

Nononono. She tried to get up, arms shaking, fighting the exhaustion in her body. 

The sinister laughter drew closer as the mage floated towards her. It raised its staff, ready to deliver the finishing blow.

“Hey!” 

Lumine looked past the mage. 

There stood Childe, hunched over, gripping his side, but standing. She almost cried out in relief. 

The mage made noises of anger, blinking away, then reappearing closer to Childe. 

The Harbinger raised his hand, droplets forming from his palm. 

No, Childe wait—! His Hydro elements didn’t stand a chance in this battle. 

The beginnings of his spear formed. But then, the water quickly crystallized, turning into shards of ice, and dropping to the ground. Childe winced painfully. 

Lumine jumped up on her feet, her energy renewed, and raced towards the mage. 

The mage raised its staff again, forming a huge icicle above Childe. He wouldn’t have enough time to move, especially in his condition. The shard started falling. 

“Childe!” Lumine screamed. 

He closed his eyes. The mask sitting atop his head began to glow. It crackled with purple electricity, and spiraled out, creating a barrier. The large icicle shattered on impact. The mage shrieked in confusion. 

Lumine took the distraction, and destroyed the Abyss Mage’s shield, then stabbed its critical point: right through its head. It vanished into the air. 

“Good job...traveler…,” Childe said between heavy breaths. His voice sounded distorted, his eyes and expression darker than before. The electro-shield came down, and Lumine watched as he fell to his knees, before rushing over, and catching him before he fell down completely.

She felt his forehead on her bare shoulder. “You’re burning up,” she whispered. 

He laughed weakly, before descending into coughs. “I hate to say it, but I think you were right,” he murmured. 

She saw Paimon opening the door to the cabin. “Okay, c’mon, we only have a little bit to go, then we can rest.” She felt him nod. 

When the three finally got into the cabin, Lumine laid Childe down, folding their scarves to make a pillow, and covering him with their coats. Paimon helped carry some pieces of wood to her, and soon a small fire was started. The guide disappeared back into her world to let Lumine rest. 

Lumine finally let out a sigh of relief. She looked over Childe, making sure he didn’t have any injuries she didn’t notice before. Her eyes fell on his mask, the mask that created the electro-shield earlier. 

Two elements? That shouldn’t be possible. Was he different, like her? Not of this world? There was certainly something dark about the mask, lurking beneath the surface. 

She reached for the mask. Childe’s hand weakly sprung up, catching her before she could touch it. His eyes were still closed.

“Now, now, we don’t touch things that aren’t ours—isn’t that right, girlie?” he teased quietly. His voice was hoarse, strained. 

“Even on the verge of death, you love teasing me,” Lumine responded. He still hadn’t let go of her wrist. “And anyways, I dragged you all the way here. You could at least tell me what that thing is.” 

He opened his eyes, narrowly. “Sorry, sweetheart, Fatui secret.” Lumine tried pulling her wrist away, but he held onto it, then shifted it so he was holding her hand. “Thank you, Lumine.” 

She blushed. “I couldn’t just leave you out there to die.” She looked at their intertwined hands. “Why did you take this mission anyways? You know it’s dangerous during the Cryo months for a Hydro user like you.” 

There was a long pause of silence. She almost thought he had fallen asleep. 

“It was for Mondstadt,” he finally replied. “I knew you would be here.”

She was feeling warm. Too warm. Is it the fire? Am I getting sick too?

“You should get some sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up,” she said, completely avoiding what he said. He nodded and closed his eyes, a faint smile on his lips. 

Lumine observed his sleeping face, how harmless he seemed right now. None of his antics. None of the mystery surrounding him. None of that lurking darkness. Just a sick, lonely boy. A sick, lonely boy completely vulnerable to the world. 

She started to get up, maybe to go cook some stew for him, but to her surprise, Childe held tightly to her hand. 

“Stay,” he said, hazily. His eyelids were fluttering, like he was struggling to open them. 

“...Okay.” Tired herself, she laid down next to him, tucking herself under the coats as well, glad for the warmth. 

He pulled her closer, letting go of her hand, and instead wrapped his arms around her waist, tucking his head under her chin, like he was listening to her heartbeat—a heartbeat that was surely beating way too fast right now. This sickness is making him delusional…

She was about to start protesting when he started speaking. 

“No one ever stays,” Childe whispered. It had been no louder than a small leaf rustling in the nighttime wind; Lumine might not have heard it if she wasn’t listening. Her heart broke a little. 

She wrapped her arms tightly around him. You’re not alone.

“I’m here,” she whispered back. “I’m right here.”

[jasmehraj]

Stuck in my soulmate's body

What's going on with our lives?

Chapter 1

If you are sheet at me..... HEY! HERE'S AN UPDATE! I SUCK! THERE'S POSTERS/HEADERS WHATEVER THEY ARE CALLED ARE MINE! BUT THE ARTWORKS ARE NOT MINE! LOVE YOU! HAVE FUN!



I opened my eyes but I never got the time to defend myself. Pain rushed through my abdomen spreading like a ripple from where his fist connected with her body. She went flying to the other side of the room. She groaned. The groan came out in a boyish voice as she lifted her big boy hands to cover the area that had been hit. 

She opened her eyes to look at the person who hit her, or rather, him. She was in Jason's body again. This time in workout clothes, sitting on a sparring mat as her sparring partner gave her a hand.

"Jason. You need to pay more attention to your surroundings. Our life is very dangerous, we cannot take risks like this-" Marinette cut him off. She may be in Jason's body but she refuses to listen to the lecture meant for him. 

"SAVE IT Mr. Wayne!" Recognition shone in his eyes as he gave her a smile.

"Aah. Mrs. Dupain Cheng. Don't worry I have a lecture for you too." This caused her to groan again, as she stood up and dusted her clothes. The pain had subsided. Almost. She could still feel the dull throbbing from the punch. 

"No need to groan Marinette. We cannot guarantee-" She cut him off again.

"-if I ever ended up in Robin's body in the middle of the fight and got seriously injured. Bla bla bla. I know everything Bruce. You just caught me off guard." 

Alfred's voice echoed throughout the cave. "Welcome again Miss Marinette. I'm sure you said something about baking Macarons the last time you came." She brightened at that.

"Yes! I'm coming!" In her rush she tripped on her own feet and rolled quite painfully.

"Ouch. Jason's very tough. I'm very surprised he isn't dead even with all the bruises you give him while you are in his body." She turned to the newcomer. 

"The Dick is here!" She jumped and hugged him. He was an adult now. A young adult. But he doesn't like being called that.

He ruffled her or Jason's hair. She really needs some word to mention this without confusing her own conscience.

"So how's it going?" 

"Good. School's nice except Chloe. She just-" She groaned and threw her hands in the air. "-I hope she doesn't end up in my class next month. We are starting the new school year." 

Dick chuckled, "Good Luck then. Jason looks funny doing that." He pulled out his phone. "Please do it again. I'm falling short of blackmail material." 

She gasped. "Are you trying to BlAcKmAiL my soulmate?" Her tone was low and dangerous.

Dick gulped and threw the phone in a random direction. "NO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU! PLEASE DON'T CUT MY COOKIE SUPPLY-" 

She put a hand up to stop him. She started again, in the same tone as before.

"You will send them to me. I am on shortage of blackmail too. And the first time I meet him in my own body, I will need them." 

His jaw flew open as he pointed at her and his eye twitched, "YOU SCARED ME! I THREW MY PHONE SOMEWHERE!" 

There was silence for some time and then Marinette wheezed, which caused both of them to start laughing loudly.

"Let's go make some Macarons and then we'll go collect some blackmail stuff." They both went to kitchenette.

He opened her eyes still in a defensive stance. But when the painful amount of pink struck his eyes, he relaxed. He looked in the mirror. He looked at his, more like Marinette's hair, which was wet, then forehead, then eyes, then nose, then lips and when he went a little down the neck. He screamed and ran away from the mirror, covering the lower half covered with the towel with his arms. He closed his eyes.

"NOPE! NOT HAPPENING BRAIN! DON'T!" Nobody came up, so he assumed that her parents must be busy. He sighed and went towards the closet. 

This that this that. Too short. Too long. Not cute. Too pink. How can that be comfortable? Too girly. 

He sighed and took out the shirt he had given her and put some shorts with it. If she was here, she would have smacked him hard. He laughed at the thought of her smacking him. They have never met each other in person. Only through phone calls, and their personal diary. 

He looked at himself in the mirror. She was cute. The first thing he will do when they will meet in person would be pinching her cheeks.

His mouth formed an 'o' when he looked at the mirror. His throat made a weird sound which was similar to choking as he covered his chest with those small hands. How can she leave him with this? Why? Now he will have to figure out how to wear th-that thing! The thing women wear! YES BRA! He can't go to the bakery to ask help like this. She will pay for this. He huffed and looked for that piece of cloth.

Okay. Maybe it wasn't so hard. WHO WAS HE KIDDING? IT WAS SO FU**ING HARD TO PUT THIS THING ON! IT HAS BEEN 20 MINUTES AND HIS ARMS ARE SORE.

He accomplished his goal after 45 minutes and let himself fall on the bed. He doesn't care if she's angry that he put on clothes when they changed…. Wait, that doesn't sound offensive at all. He's at advantage. It's not like he saw that. He covered them with napkins and then put on that idiotic clothing them removed the napkins.

"This is my home now. I'm not going anywhere but sleep here after a f***ing struggle for one f***ing hours. I will sleep till I change back even if it means five days. Now I'm rambling to myself." He shut his mouth and laid there.

The sound of the clock was the most annoying thing he had ever heard. He started counting. 

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

"F*** IT! YOU KNOW WHAT! I QUIT!" He stood up and went towards the board. She always pins small notes on what to do. 

Dress 

"Nope can't do that."

Shopping

"I don't want to suffer her wrath if I get something ugly."

Baking

"I can do that. But I'm not in the mood."

Homework

"I can do that!"

He went to the desk and got to work.

Permanent taglist: @nathleigh @jalaluvsu @togetherwekill @stackofrandomstuff @qualitypeacepainter @greatcatblaze @shewhorises-tjyj @myazael @jjmjjktth

Taglist: @damnaged-princess @abrx2002

[obsidianfr3sk]

Rise of the Renegades (Chapter 8)

Summary:  Heroes come from the most unexpected places. Heroes sometimes feel a little too different, a little too scared, a little too alone. But heroes also know when enough is enough, and that before saving the world, they need to save themselves. And they cannot do it alone.

They were going to be the hope of the world. They were going to call themselves the Renegades. Even if they didn’t know it yet.

AO3 Link

Hi!! I honestly didn’t expected to update today, but here we are:’) I hope you enjoy this chapter!! If someone wants to be added or remove from the tag list, tell me haha.

Tag list: @nodrianbcyes @dawniebb @healing-winston-pratt @cerenoya @ marissagustrerbenson

Getting cold hands?

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,

and how you suffered for your sanity,

and how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen, they did not know how;

perhaps they'll listen now.

Simon

“YOU DID WHAT?”

Hugh put his hand over his mouth to shut him up and Simon felt his cheeks turn red when he realized a couple of older boys had turned to see why the hell he was yelling. Their faces contorted in disgust and continued with their chat.

Because prodigies were disgusting.

He immediately regretted his decision to come back to school.

Hugh removed his hand from his mouth. “Don't be mad at me,” he whispered.

“I'm not mad at you,” he replied in a lower voice, “it's just that I'm surprised you did something so impulsive and so, so… so stupid.”

Hugh bit his lip but couldn't hide his laugh. “Wow, Simon, watch your language.”

He kicked him to silence him. “I am serious,” he replied. “You gave my address to a complete stranger—"

“Georgia.”

“—To make a plan for which we have no ideas—"

“I do have many ideas.”

“—and who will bring a friend we don't know.”

Simon went silent, waiting for Hugh to answer with the friend's name. But he did not.

That only further proved his point. “From the beginning, your plan was very wrong.”

And I should have been there to warn you.

“No, my plan was golden from the beginning,” Hugh argued, “because Georgia is not a stranger. I met her at Joe’s Basket and she turned out to be a really nice girl. She likes mystery novels, wears white pajamas to sleep, and can fly. I consider that a very specific profile.”

“I consider her a stranger. You don’t even know her last name.”

“Rawles.”

“Does she has a middle name?”

Hugh ignored him completely. “If you just had heard her speak, Simon. She was absolutely right about everything,” he continued. “Georgia is a good person. She returned my notebook even though she didn't have to. And look what she did.”

Discreetly, he took a sheet of paper out of his back pocket. It was the drawing he had been working on a couple of days ago. Propaganda. “She repaired my drawing with washi-tape. It’s… kind of pretty, isn’t it?”

It was the most adorable washi-tape Simon had ever seen. “Too girly,” he growled.

“Girly? The— the washi-tape?”

“Yes,” Simon answered. “It’s too girly. I don’t like it.”

“Oh, no, I don’t like it either,” Hugh answered. “I just thought the contrast was… funny.” 

Simon said nothing more. Hugh put the drawing back before anyone else saw it. “Look, that’s what would make us a great team. We all have different strengths. And also… she’s a girl. An older girl. And she likes Wonder Man.”

Simon decided to draw the line there. To hell with her pretty washi-tape. “Why does it matter she’s an older girl who likes Wonder Man? I like Wonder Man too.”

Hugh adjusted his glasses, confused. “But… you don’t like it,” he reminded him. “You say Wonder Man is an idiot.”

I do say that.

“What I mean is,” he said evasively, “like ... I mean, what does strengths does she has? Because being a girl is not one of them.”

“Her vision,” she replied. “She has a way of seeing things that are surely different from ours. Not just because she's a girl, but also because I bet she has experienced the world in a way we haven't and has more experience with certain things that could help us. How many times have we talked to someone who isn’t part of the school?”

Simon rolled his eyes. “We don't talk to anyone at school,” he muttered.

They hate us. They really hate us.

Or do they fear us?

Is there a difference?

“Well, when have we talked to someone... other than the two of us? Or your dad, or your sister—” and he smiled playfully “—or my aunt.”

He immediately realized he was trying to make him laugh. But at that point in the conversation, Simon was fed up with the entire female gender and he wasn’t even willing to smile at him.

Hugh hugged himself. For some reason, he was not wearing a jacket that day... “Where’s your jacket?” he asked in a soft voice.

“I gave it to Georgia,” he replied. “The one she had didn't protect her from the cold.”

Then Simon remembered that they were arguing and that Hugh was an idiot who gave his address to strangers and did not deserve his compassion. “Well, it's her fault. Why does she wear a jacket that looks cools but doesn't protect you from the cold?”

“Maybe she’s… passionate about fashion?” he said, half-joking.

Simon didn't find it funny. “Maybe she puts fashion above basic needs.”

Hugh realized that it was useless to keep trying to make him laugh. He put his hands in his pants pockets. “Simon…” He glanced at him. “You... that someone you mentioned last time—“

“What’s with that someone?” he asked sharply.

“That someone still wants me to believe in him, right?”

At that moment, Simon realized that throughout the entire conversation, he had had his arms crossed as if he were throwing a tantrum.

Stars. How childish Simon looked. And how worried Hugh looked.

The last thing he wanted to do was worry him.

Simon wasn't even quite sure why he was reacting like that. Like, of course, he had been annoyed that Hugh had made a move without first consulting him, especially one involving his home.

However, it didn't take long for him to realize that that other emotion he felt, in addition to the obvious annoyance, was fear. Fear that he was going to leave him for that new friend he had made. Which he knew didn't make sense because Hugh wasn't the one who abandoned others.

That one was Simon. Simon had abandoned him the other day.

Simon was the bad person here. 

He leaned against the wall. “Yes...” he acknowledged. “That someone still needs you to believe in him.”

Because that someone needs you maybe a little too much.

Hugh seemed suddenly calmer. “Good,” he sighed. “I was starting to get a little worried.”

“Sorry.”

“You don't need to apologize.”

“Sorry,” he repeated.

“Simon, stop.”

But he couldn't. “Sorry.”

Hugh just laughed and leaned against the wall too. “Well, you know, since we're on the apology thing… I'm sorry I didn't consult you before giving the address to someone who is a stranger. For you,” he added quickly. Simon kicked him. I told you that she is a stranger. “It's just that… I got excited. I have never met someone like Georgia.”

Simon nodded and felt a lump in his throat. He knew what Hugh was talking about.

He had never met someone who believed in themselves because the only person Hugh hung out with was Simon, and Simon…

Simon didn't believe in anything. Not even himself.

“Are you sure we can trust her?” he asked in a small voice.

“She promised me he would be there,” he replied. “And I had to promise her that I would be there too. Simon… can you promise me that too?”

Simon scoffed. “You will be at my house.”

“You know what I mean—“ he tapped his hand with two fingers. “Can you promise me you'll be there?” he repeated.

Simon ignored the feelings that light touch gave him.

He had always been good at ignoring.

So he nodded.

The bell rang and the few students in the courtyard began to enter. Hugh chattered his teeth and hugged himself again.

“You are cold, right?” Simon asked him.

Simon didn't want to go to class yet. He wished he could stay out a while longer. Simon loved cold days because he could put on a lot of layers of clothing and people saw less of him.

But the truth was that he didn't want to go to class yet because he wanted to stay talking with his friend a bit longer.

Even if he made him angry.

“I’m freezing,” he answered. “Look, feel my hands.”

He put a hand on his cheek. Simon could feel his face turning all red again.

Ignore it, ignore it.

“Yes. They’re cold,” he answered.

“Told you. Cold can’t kill me, but is surely a pain in the ass.”

Simon gave him a lopsided smile, trying not to look like he was doing his best not to imagine… that.

Don’t think about his ass.

In a desperate attempt to distract his mind, he searched his pockets for the gloves his father told him last night to wear when leaving the house. He stood up and handed them to Hugh. “Put them on. I don't like wearing gloves anyway.”

They headed for the school entrance while Hugh struggled to put them on. They were a little too small for him, but if he didn't move his hands a lot they would surely cover them well. “Thank you,” he mumbled with a smile.

Simon shrugged. It was the least he could do.

The rest of the day, he was the one whose hands were freezing because his school had no heating since always. Yet the thought that Hugh was wearing them and that his hands were warm made him better able to ignore the cold.

That and the fact his cheeks were still red.

I'm not abandoning you again, Hugh.

I’d rather be dead.

Georgia

When she arrived, she did not make her classic introduction. She didn't say "Honey, I'm home!" nor did she hold Molly in her arms and ask her how school went. She only greeted Tamaya, gave her the bag with the few provisions that she could offer her, and dropped onto her mattress.

It was more comfortable than one would expect to. She didn't understand why Tamaya said it was uncomfortable.

Tamaya didn't seem to notice that change. And if she did, she said nothing. Georgia would dare to say that she was just as quiet as her.

She lay down beside Georgia. They were shoulder to shoulder, staring at the old roof of the abandoned store. Tamaya fiddled with her broken locket.

“Who goes first?” Georgia asked leaning on her shoulder.

“Huh?”

“Who tells her problem first,” she clarified.

“Oh.” Tamaya dropped her locket. “You. You go first.”

Georgia wanted to refuse. She knew that if she started talking, there would probably be no one able to stop her. And it was already difficult to get Tamaya to open up…

But she had to tell someone. She couldn't hold that secret inside her for another second.

She turned to see her. “I met someone.”

Tamaya did the same. “Someone?”

“A boy.”

“A boy,” she repeated. Sharply.

“Not like that,” she clarified quickly. “He's a literal boy. So yeah. It would be kinda gross, to be honest.”

Tamaya relaxed her expression. Only a little. “What did he do to you?” she asked.

“Stars, Tamaya,” Georgia laughed. “He did nothing to me. But he gave me this.”

She reached into the pocket of her jeans. Georgia hated wearing jeans because her legs were too wide and she could never find jeans that actually fit her. However, that day all her skirts were too dirty to wear. And she also had to keep that paper in a safe place.

They both straightened up as Georgia unfolded the paper with her fingers.

It's made of glass, Georgia. Like your hopes. Like the future of the world.

Be very careful.

She opened it without breaking it and passed it to Tamaya.

To a very confused Tamaya.

It's made of glass, Tam. Please don't break it.

“Is this his address?” she asked, confused.

“No, it's his friend's address.”

Tamaya crumpled the piece of paper rolling her eyes. “What the hell do you want to tell me, Georgia?”

“Be careful!” she screeched, snatching it away.

She put it on her leg and began to try to flatten it with all the strength of her hand. Luckily she had rescued it in time...

It’s made of glass! It’s made of glass!

Tamaya hid between her wings. Immediately, Georgia could recognize what he was trying to tell her by that.

She was afraid. Altered. She didn't like being yelled at.

And Georgia knew it. “Sorry...” she mumbled.

Tamaya nodded.

Why did she have to be so loud?

“Tamaya... who are you?” she asked.

Tamaya rolled her eyes. “I think you just answered your own question,” she mumbled, annoyed.

“No, I mean ... what are we?” she asked. “Look where we are—” she pointed around her “—look where we ended up.”

“I don't know if it's time for you to make me feel bad about where I live.”

“No! It's not that, Tamaya, it's just that…”

 And she stopped.

“Is it just what?”

The same question was in her head.

What's your excuse now, Georgia?

She fought the urge to cry that suddenly washed over her. “It's just that I haven't stopped wondering if we've been on the right side of history,” she replied, standing up. “And it's something that I hadn't really asked myself until yesterday, you know? Until they gave me this address.”

Tamaya's shoulders hunched more. She was still hidden behind its wings.

Jeez, Georgia, can't you lower your voice a bit?

Georgia knelt beside her friend and put a hand on her shoulder. She did not reject her or bite her. Good. “Tamaya, what are we?” she insisted. “Are we women?”

“Well... yes,” she replied with a frown. “Or at least you are.”

“No, Tamaya, I am not a woman. I'm a girl,” Georgia said. “I am a girl who continues to live in the fantasy world that she designed to survive all the trauma she went through. It doesn't matter I have grown physically, on the inside… on the inside all I have done is hide my head between my books and my dolls and your friendship, because I am too much of a coward to do anything for the outside world.”

She covered her mouth with her hands as she turned her back to her. Don't cry, don't you dare cry.

Georgia did not cry.

Tamaya stood up. “Are you... are you okay?”

“Yes,” she replied with a sigh. “All good. You? Are you okay? Do you forgive me for yelling at you?”

She did not reply. For a second, Georgia thought she was going to hug her. How childish of her to think that. Tamaya never hugged people. She didn't know how to do it.

So Georgia hugged herself.

She always hugged herself. There was no one left to do it.

“I still do not understand—”

“These kids—” she showed her the slip of paper “—these kids are not cowards. And they are children. How are they braver than us? What has happened in their lives that have made them so brave?”

Tamaya pushed her fist away from her face. Georgia had accidentally put the paper on her to just below his nose.

She looked into Tamaya's eyes and realized that many things had happened to her in her life that had made her brave. Because yes, Tamaya was brave for the sole fact of her existence.

Tamaya was born with wings, which although Georgia found them wonderful, for her they were the constant reminder of everything that was “wrong” with her. Her parents despised her, she lived locked in a cage, like...

Like a bird.

But Tamaya was not a bird. Or a monster, as she called herself. She was none of those things. She was a woman.

And a brave one. Georgia wished she could see herself the way she saw her. 

No, there was nothing wrong with Tamaya. Who was wrong was the rest of the world.

And that world was so different from the one Georgia had created when she was little. One that writhed in pain and hurt whoever dared to help it. Georgia was so scared of pain.

But she was more afraid of continuing being the coward in the story.

Coward. Coward. Coward.

Last night, intoxicated by the smell of vanilla and the taste of freedom, it had seemed easy. As if giving the notebook back to a child was going to make the difference the world needed at that moment.

However, as the effects of adrenaline left her body and Hugh began to speak more and more, she realized that things were more complicated than she had initially imagined. That a simple act of kindness was not going to take away the suffering from the world in which she lived. She wished it did though. I want to help you, but I'm not sure how.

Was she going to have to take the pain for the world?

Coward. Coward. Coward.

She turned to see her friend again. “Tamaya, I want to stop being a girl,” she whispered, taking her by the shoulders. “I want to stop being a coward that hides in her own imaginary world.”

Tamaya grabbed her wrists. “And what do you want to be then?”

“I want to be a woman,” she replied. “One that goes out into the real world and does something to save it.”

She nodded. Georgia decided to venture out to ask her a new question. “What do you want to be, Tamaya?”

Tamaya held on tighter to her.

Although she wasn't hurting her Georgia wondered if she was holding her tighter so she wouldn't hurt herself. “I just know I want to stop being a monster, Georgia.”

Georgia wrapped her in a hug. Tamaya reciprocated by surrounding her with her wings.

Yes. This is better than a hug.

Then a putrid smell suddenly hit her. She discreetly sniffed Tamaya's body. It wasn't her.

Good. She wasn't quite sure where she could have found a soap that could remove that.

"What’s that smell?" she asked.

There was a foam plate right behind her friend. Georgia broke away from the hug and took the foam plate in her hands. She opened it, and the retching she felt was enough to make her realize that it had been a horrible decision.

The smell was of rotten fried rice. “Tamaya!” she screamed “Why do you have this here? It's disgusting.”

Tamaya came up behind her and closed the foam plate. The scent lingered in her nostrils still, but Tamaya seemed unaffected. “It is my reminder.”

She sounded so distant, so empty...

Had she sounded like that?

She put the foam plate at the other end of the room quickly. When she returned, Tamaya was sitting on the mattress, hugging her legs. Georgia took Molly and held her out. Tamaya took her doll and put it on her lap.

Georgia sat next to her.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Tamaya shook her head. She undid one of Molly's braids and started doing it again. “Give me ideas.”

“Ideas for what?”

“Ideas for what I could be. I don't know anything else.”

Georgia undid Molly's other braid. “How about... being a superhero?”

[transette]

Each of these pictures are about a year apart! 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020.

It's been just over 2 years since I rediscovered myself. It's been a long journey, and not an easy one, but well worth it. While my life is infinitely more complicated than it was, I'm infinitely more happy with who, and where I am!

(Part 1 from last year)

Long post:

When that first photo was taken, I had just dropped out of college after a major mental breakdown, I was lost and confused. I did not feel right with any part of my life, I did not feel right in my mind, body, or career. I did not know why at the time.

I spent the next year out of school, just working and trying to find out who I wanted to be. I thought all my problems would go away if I just switched schools and career focus, and started going to therapy. Just a week before my 20th birthday, on February 20th 2018, I was tumblr, when I came across the account of trans girl on here. I'd never been to this side of tumblr before (the LGBTQ+ side, I'd only ever been on the cishet side), but I somehow I found it, and stumbled upon her blog. She had a her story of coming to realize who she was, and I read it out of curiosity, and the more I read the more her story leading to her coming out sounded so similar to my life up to that point, and in that moment, I came to the realization that I was not doomed to my terrible existence, and that what I was feeling was ok, and there were others like me out there, and I realized who I truly was! I spent the next few days excited about the possibilities, but also terrified of what it would mean to my life, and also trying to suppress those feelings, telling myself they weren't real. But oh were they! I eventually accepted myself fully, and slowly started to come out, first to my therapist, then to my dearest friend (who a week later came out to me as nonbinary!) and finally to my parents. I was terrified of what they would do, so I prepared myself to leave if things went wrong. It was not perfect at first, it took them a few months to really accept the real me, but finally they did. My mother was the first to truly accept me, taking me to do as many girly things as I would allow her to since she had always wanted a daughter, not a son.

The third photo was taken on my 21st birthday, 1 year and 1 week after I discovered myself, and things had started to get a bit rougher again. 4 days before I had quit my main job, it had become abusive (I was never out there, but they hated me none the less). It was getting harder to stay in the closet at school and my other jobs. The pain of lying, suppressing myself, and since my school and other jobs are dominated by conservatives, also the pain of listening to them talk about hating people like me.It wouldn't be until August that I'd be out at school.

I suffered on in silence, but in July I was able to start HRT! And in August I came back to school as me. I got looks and some hard times from those in the class that had known me from before, but eventually even they came to accept that I was still me, I looked a bit different, but still me, and they even came to use my correct pronouns and name! In October I went to my first pride parade, which was amazing, and wonderful, and had a great time meeting a number of new wonderful people!

On another note, over the summer I also started my first real business, my jewelry and home goods store, Iron Horse Creations (theironhorseshop on etsy), and in December I even had my first booth at a craft show! Also in October I also started up my current main job, N.A. Carel Mobile Welding and Repair, and have since started doing various welding and fabrication jobs around Atlanta!

Which brings me to today! On last Monday I finished up the welding program I started 2 years ago when I was trying to find my way at the top of my class! And I'm currently in the process of getting a legal name change! I am finally starting to love how I look, I have discovered who my true friends are, I have been in love, and done things I never had done before, and never would have in my past life! I've never been happier! Coming out was the best decision I've ever made, it was not easy, but well worth it! I can not wait to see what the future brings!

[harryfeatgaga]

THE FUCKING LOOK AT THE END? THEY HAVE TO BE FUCKING OMG THIS ISN’T A JOKE THIS IS MY LIFE

MEEEEEEEEE

Anonymous said: The way they walked to the stage and sang and how me always sits with her 😔 they are in love 😔

when he went to go sit with her.......

Anonymous said: It literally took me 5 minutes to speak. I’ve been sitting here in dead silence with tears on my face trying to collect myself. FUCK THAT MOVIE

MEEEEEEEEE

Anonymous said: Are Bradley and Stefani kidding with that!? Wheeeeew LORD! The FIRE.

I AM GENUINELY SPEECHLESS RN..........

Anonymous said: I genuinely thought Gaga and brad were gonna fuck on stage just now. WOW. That’s called chemistry, folks 🗣

THEY MAY AS WELL HAVE

Anonymous said: If they hadn’t had gotten a standing ovation I would’ve turned off the TV

MEEEEEE

Anonymous said: That was beautiful!

SO BEAUTIFUL

Anonymous said: I am triggered. Suffering. Will never recover from that fucking movie. PTSD INSTANTLY

MEEEEEE

Anonymous said: In that moment we all including Bradley forgot he has a gf. Her time is running out!

FJNHFIKMNJHJIKLV

Anonymous said: WHAT HAPPENED IM DENSE

Anonymous said: DID THEY ADMIT THEY ARE IN LOVE CAUSE A BITCH WILL DIE IF THEY DID

Anonymous said: WHAT HAPPENED IM NOT WATCHING

THEY LITERALLY ALMSOT KISSEKDJHJDFNHJ

Anonymous said: Listen I’m sure Irina is a great lovely woman but like girly it’s time to accept that Gaga and Bradley are meant to be. Acceptance is the first step bb

SPKOFOPTLKGJTIOKG

[rosymaplemoth]

Aether Voicemail

A prompt in my 30 Day Journal was “a voicemail that your protagonist will never delete”.

I went a little overboard and had most of the cast of C:R (plus a few OCs) leave her voicemails. The one she’ll never delete is the last one.

Aether Transmission “Voicemails” for Aronnax (Non-Canon due to voicemail not existing... duh... takes place after Chapter 32: Diver’s Fatigue).

Arsene Lupin

A warm greeting to my fellow outlaw! So you’ve finally landed in South America, have you? I’m certain that a grand adventure awaits you!

…

How is Cardia doing? I’m certain that by now she and Impey have… well, do me a favor and give them my well-wishes! …I know that he’ll make her happy. He’s my partner, after all.

…

Well, it’s time I’m off! I’m in the middle of stealing the hearts of Paris for you, so be ready for it!

[BEEP]

Abraham Van Helsing

What did they expect me to say into this…? I’ve never even met this woman.

[sigh]

… If you let anything happen to her, I hope you know what will be waiting for you when you return.

Oh, and tell Impey that he doesn’t have to worry. I’ve been keeping the others well-fed.

[BEEP]

Victor Frankenstein

It’s been awhile since we last met. I’m glad to hear of your continued success. I’m sure that Impey is keeping things exciting, too. Cardia is probably having to put up with a lot right now.

Ah, but… that’s not the purpose of this message. Um, listen, can you… can you keep this to yourself?

…I really wanted to thank you, Professor Aronnax. I suppose it doesn’t really make sense, but… I feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted off of me.

Nobody deserves to be alone.

I guess what I’m saying is that… I’m glad that Nemo found a friend, too.

U-Um… you will keep that to yourself, right? For my sake? Ahaha… ha… ha…

[BEEP]

The Count of Saint-Germain

Oh? There’s still room for more messages? Well, you were a part of humanity’s first submerged trip across the Atlantic. Please, take a moment to congratulate yourself for this accomplishment. You have certainly earned your place in the history books, Professor.

Hm, there is much more that I need to tell you, but I will be seeing you shortly. It should wait until then. I only wish I could… … well, you will say hello to Miss Cardia for me, won’t you?

Farewell.

[BEEP]

Delacroix II and Sisi

Huh? But I’ve never met Aronnax, why…

[Arf!]

Sisi, you want to say hello to Professor Aronnax?

[….]

Huh… Oh, I get it! You miss Cardia, don’t you?

[whine]

I understand, I miss her, too. Hey, Professor, you’ll tell her that we miss her, right? Ah, Sisi, did you have a message for Impey, too?

[growl……………..!]

[BEEP]

Finis

Huh? Aronnax? I thought I would be able to leave a message for Sister here. Tch… what a waste.

…

Between those two boneheads, I suppose you’re really the one I can trust the most… though, trust me, it’s not a position I want to be in. … Protect Sister. If you make her cry… I will make that weird creep of yours suffer ten times as much!

[BEEP]

Queen Victoria

Oh? All of this secrecy, and yet you allow me to leave a message? Aren’t you cheeky…

Even though I can’t claim you as a child of England, I still feel somewhat of an obligation towards you. Perhaps it’s because you’ve gotten yourself tangled with that scientist… hm. Well, your friends have certainly made things interesting around here. I must thank you for sending Doctor Frankenstein back into my midst. He’s so stubborn, though, still rejecting my invitation into the Royal Society.

…Just how much do these boys think they can accomplish? It’s rather frustrating how much they’re standing up to me. These rebellious streaks, can they stem from anything other than your beloved prince charming? Ha! No, I suppose everyone has their own reasons. Lost homes, their dreams, a desire to belong… what was your reason for rebellion? When I catch you, I hope you’ll give me a fun answer, Pauline Aronnax.

[BEEP]

Ned Land

Oh! Got the signal! Knew I could get that twisty-thingamajig working! Hey, Pauline, why’d you have to run away so fast? You made my sweetheart really upset, you know. He stayed up all night looking for any trace of that damn submarine. Had to knock him out so he’d finally get some shut-eye. … Don’t be stubborn, girlie. Let Ned Land take care of you. I promise I’ll reunite your princey with his lost family quicker than you can blink. He won’t feel a thing! Of course, if you keep on resisting… it might be fun to see how much he can squirm on the end of my harpoon, hahaha! Oh, you all can hide all you want, but the Great Hunter always finds his quarry! Always!

[BEEP]

Conseil

Ah… Professor…

…

How does it feel to be back in South America? We were there for your 20th birthday, weren’t we? Yes, that’s when we went to the Amazon River. You shone like the sun on that expedition.

And then you fell in with those piranhas, remember? You were leaning out too far over the boat to get a better look… I jumped in after you and got you away from those beasts. You looked so confused. I’ll never forget—“Piranhas aren’t inherently dangerous”. “Piranhas have a bad reputation”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!

… It’s the same now, isn’t it? You say the man isn’t dangerous, but everybody knows the truth! London was a sea of fire because of him! I know that if you stay at his side, he will strip you to the bone! I swear I will be the one to save you, Professor, I will make you come to your senses! Please, please come to me!

Do it for yourself, do it for Paris, do it for your Grandfather—

[BEEP]

Jimmy A. Aleister

Aronnax-kun. Have you made it as far as you wanted to go? I’m sure a voyage like this has merely whet your appetite. I’m also sure that there are many things you want to say to me right now. Hold on to that anger, let it settle inside of you until it becomes a part of your very existence. That way, when we meet again, you can show me just how far you’ve come.

I truly, truly look forward to that day.

[BEEP]

eH4o?aaJt+?nhrnts

Good day to you, Professor Aronnax.

We haven’t met yet, but I’m afraid I’ve let my impatience get the best of me once again. It’s one of my greatest vices. I’m sure you understand, right? After all, you couldn’t wait to begin your journey. You couldn’t wait for your friends, your family… you had to leave it all behind to chase after a dream. We’re a lot alike in that way. Oh, Professor, I cannot wait until we meet. You were blessed with a mind capable of piecing together fragments that nobody else could begin to comprehend. You, of all people, will appreciate what I am doing.

Ah, your lover, too, I’m sure… but you have a greater appreciation for peace, do you not? Yes, the peace of silence, of a quiet world where true contemplation can thrive. A kingdom under a sky dancing in rainbow hues… the place I was born to rule… I cannot wait to show it to you.

[BEEP]

Nemo

Bwahahahahahaha….! Now, the greatest message of them all, left by your beloved genius scientist NEEEEEEEEMOOOOOOOOOOOOO---!!!

Are you exciiiiiiited? Hmm, I could talk to you in person, but… your sleeping face is so cute… so I’ll leave this message of iiiiiiinspiration as a surprise instead!

Have you really let it sink in? What the Harper has accomplished? What this meeeeeeeeeans for the world?! A new way of travel! Expanded horizons! Perhaps even a new era, hmmm? Ahhh, sensei would have been so proud of meeeeeee… and what about you? Hee hee, are you just as proud? Of course, you’re very lucky to sleep in the arms of the geeeeeeeeeenius who will change the world!

……. Ahhh---

I shouuuuuld say… I’m pretty lucky too. ❤

Have you realized what you are to me yet? Me, the greatest disciple of science--! What would that make you, the one that humanity is beginning to call “the Bride of Science”? Ohhh, I can’t wait to tell you… the beatification of a still-living scientist—no, apotheosis!! Ahhhhh--- there is a goddess lying in my arms tonight--!! Won’t you allow me, the most devoted of all scientific acolytes, the pleasure of worshiping you?

Hmmm~ I can’t wait to watch the expression on your face as you liiiiiisten to this… you’ll come and find me, won’t you? Now, embrace your beloved and let him use science to lift you to raaaaaaaaaaaapturous delight!

[BEEP]

[sachi-pon]

free! dive to the future episode 6 liveblog/review thing

HEEEYYYY WHAT'S THIS?!?! I ACTUALLY DID MY LIVEBLOG ON TIME?!?!? yes, i actually did it!! i squeezed this into my schedule. also, i wrote a lot this time for my thoughts after the end of the episode. i wrote an essay!! so, um, please read??? well, i really want someone to read it!! ;__; i kept rambling because i was imagining myself lying down on a couch talking to a psychiatrist about all of my complicated emotional issues THAT WERE CAUSED BY THIS EPISODE. o__O *eyes twitch*

my previous liveblogs:  (episode 1) (episode 2) (episode 3) (episode 4) (episode 5)

see this episode here!! http://www.crunchyroll.com/free-iwatobi-swim-club/episode-6-the-mermaid-of-the-abyss-775637

***

the first thing i see is a VERY REALISTIC image of a telephone pole. o__o what do you mean it's not a photo?!?!?!?

wow, that girl is impatient. XD

he has been making that sandcastle the whole day and all he can come up with is just a big lump??? maybe if you had better sandcastle-making skills, other kids would want to be friends with you.

he read "the little mermaid" for a reason... is he reading about himself?!?!? he's a merman????

awwwww ikuya is precious ;__;

THAT YODEL!!!!! MY GOODNESS!!!! IT WAS PERFECT!!!! he needs to make an album immediately!!! XDDDDD

"haru really is gone." well i'm sorry he didn't follow you to america to continue his lifeguard career???? lol

i feel like ikuya's constant thinking "i need to be stronger" and "i can't become weak" is actually making him weaker somehow. o__o

"what can i do for him???" you have to stop and realize that you can't fix everything, hiyori.

i love how he clearly heard ikuya speak japanese and he responded in english! kawaii desu!! XD

"we've met somewhere before, huh?" wait, you guys forgot about it?? -__-

abrupt scene change... o__O

"there is one book i like." HMM, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS.

yes, ikuya, it's girly. just admit it. XD

"what can i do for ikuya?" i just told you, you can't always fix everything. just because you saved ikuya before, you think you always have to be the one to "save" him from everything? but that's not realistic. you can't control everything, so you shouldn't feel like it's always your job to save ikuya.

...aaand i'm talking to a fictional character. moving on!!

HOW ARE THEY JUST HAPPENING TO ALSO READ THE LITTLE MERMAID TOO?!?!?!? i guess everyone in this area has a little mermaid obsession. okay, now i seriously want to go watch the little mermaid movie. that was not a joke. i actually feel like i want to watch it sooner or later. free! gave me the idea!!! <3

HOW IS THAT MOM JUST HAPPENING TO DESCRIBE HIYORI'S SITUATION?!?!?!?!? what the... is she psychic?? i am scared of her now. what other powers does she have?!?!?!

oh man, hiyori now has that classic look where you can't see his eyes through his glasses. that is never a good sign... lol

makoto's swimsuit <333333 i love it so much. when i think about makoto in that swimsuit, i feel like all is right with the world. i can breathe easy. i can go to sleep happy. i know that there is peace and hope in the universe.

MAKOTO'S LITTLE BLUSH!!!! <3 did you see that?!? did you all see that? he is such an angel!!!! ^___^

"what's ikuya up too? have you kept in touch with him?" OH NO, you done went there. you done went and asked the question. you done messed up, my friend.

**** AWKWARD SILENCE ****

makoto is trying to explain everything but it's not working ^__^UUU

"it's my fault." OMGGGG HARUUUUU NOOOO. STOP. NOOOOO. i'm done. i'm dead. his little quiet voice broke my heart. he feels SO guilty about all this!!! i want to give you a hug, my precious baby. <33333

oh now he's telling nao about the "suffering" thing. i thought i was already dead but now i have died again. this show is TOO PAINFUL!!!! .>___<.

"makoto and i haven't suffered at all!!" don't say that!!! the writers of this show will hear you say that and they will try to think of a way to make you guys suffer!!! that's how writers are. writers like to brainstorm ways to make our characters suffer. it's what we do. XD

having watched ikuya throughout this whole season so far, he seems to be feeling worse and worse, to be honest. =(

haha, ikuya is so clueless. um, hiyori is talking about YOU, dude!!!

haru doesn't even want to eat mackerel?!?! WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE IS THE REAL HARU??????

oh it's that shady guy again. i forget about him all the time!!!

*pauses to read all the crunchyroll subtitles for Shady Guy's blog*

haru is COMPLETELY COOL while the shady villain guy talks right into his ear. XDDDD

#cafeteriasoba #hidakauniversity #tanukisoba #sobarules

ryuuji??? he has a name? but i don't want him to have a name. i want him to continue being Shady Evil Villain Guy.

WHO IS HE?????????? now i want to know!!! >=(

i'm pretty sure you made up all those provers but whatever

wait, what?!? wait!!! what just... they are all talking about ryuuji?!?!

"he suddenly quit swimming competitively." why? i bet the reason is something bad...

haru has his excited face on, i see.

"he probably missed your calls because he's busy focusing on the next competition." sure, okay, i believe you... you've been 100% honest all the time, of course!!

hmmmmmm okay i can kinda see one reason why hiyori feels such a strong need to "fix" ikuya. natsuya has assigned that job to him!!

haru's been thinking about why he only swims freestyle... uhhh you're just now thinking about that after how many seasons/episodes??? lol

i love how makoto and haru act like this kid is a genius who just revealed a brilliant scientific discovery

*mysterious person appears* wait who is that???

i knew that wishing star thing would come back eventually. (well, duh)

"even if i sink, no one's going to save me anymore." he's talking about swimming? or... his emotions???

i had a feeling someone would start yelling soon. this scene was too quiet!!

"i couldn't become human." ha!!! that proves it. ikuya isn't human. he is a merman. like i have said before, free! is a fantasy anime <3333

hiyori??? i think that ikuya knows how to come down the slide on his own. it's not that difficult. little kids do it all the time. XD

he's on top of him. WELL THIS IS AWKWARD

that scene with their feet looks so weird o__o

"can you just forget about nanase??? i'm way more attractive than he is, so why don't you love me instead????"

ikuya finally gets aggressive toward hiyori!! i felt like that was going to happen!! but wow o___o you guys. just continue being friends already. ;__;

hiyori!!! you just told him to "forget about nanase." it didn't work the first time so obviously it's not going to work the second time!!

"sorry i just assaulted you. whoops"

omg, i want this episode to be over. it's too sad. ;__; *looks at time* uh-oh. there's time for another scene...

looks like Evil Shady Villain (i don't care what his name is) has evil plans for haru with his evil smile!!! haru... you've got to escape!! get away now!!!

that's all!!! now here are my thoughts: i was very emotionally destroyed by this episode because like i said, i noticed that ikuya kept getting worse and worse (not just his swimming times, but his feelings) and then he got into a fight with hiyori at the end. ;___; ;___; ;___; i'm so upset because hiyori is GENUINELY TRYING TO HELP and it's just not working. you saw the flashbacks where hiyori and ikuya's friendship formed. so you can see that ikuya means a lot to hiyori, which is why i said that hiyori is genuinely trying to help. plus, i pointed out that natsuya wants hiyori to watch over ikuya. so that's something that adds to the pressure on hiyori. so i felt so bad for him when first, he tried to invite ikuya to a cafe and he didn't want to go, and then, he tried to tell ikuya "stop thinking about nanase" and ikuya got mad at him for it!! remember, from hiyori's perspective, haru is just a bad person who's causing trouble. so from that perspective, it makes perfect sense that the solution to ikuya’s problem would be to stop thinking about haru. so i think it was surprising for hiyori that ikuya got mad at him. =( remember how earlier in the season, ikuya tended to be agreeable with hiyori? he went along with most things hiyori said/did. that's what hiyori's used to, and so that's why i think it was surprising for hiyori when ikuya got mad. he thought ikuya would just agree with his suggestions as usual.

ikuya actually has a positive view of haru and he does want to keep thinking about him. he is grateful for haru's rescue of him, and he wants to be "strong like haru." at the same time, he's angry at haru. but his true feelings toward haru are actually positive, which is why he rejected hiyori's advice to stop thinking about him. i don't think either of them are listening to each other. hiyori wants to fix ikuya instead of listening to him, and ikuya feels that doing things alone gives him strength, so he's not interested in trying to be fixed by hiyori or anyone else. he just wants to be "strong" on his own. ...it's not going well.

i loved the part where ikuya was on the slide and hiyori was on top of him. XD it was so dramatic. hmm, maybe i am beginning to ship them??? i don't know though, because they really need to work out their problems first. they're not quite at a point where i'm like "YEEAAAHHH I SHIP THEM, HIYORI x IKUYA 4EVER!!!!!!!" they'd be so cute if they weren't... you know... in a pretty damaged relationship right now. ^__^U actually, it's not just about this fight. even before that, their relationship was "off" to me. (not when they were kids. i'm talking about the present day) something about their friendship wasn't quite right. and so i'm not surprised that they ended up fighting.

...still, i'm hoping that they will soon work everything out and have some heartwarming moments!!! <3333

wait, i'm not done yet. i also want to say that it was so painful to me when haru said "it's my fault." there was something so broken in his voice. i could hear it. i think that every person has had situations in their lives where something that someone said or did bothered them and it continued to bother them for a long time even though it shouldn't have. you know that feeling when you can't stop thinking about something even though that thing keeps weighing you down??? it really shouldn't make you so upset, and you should let it go and not let it get to you, but you just can't stop thinking about it because you're taking it too seriously. what haru is going through right now is so relatable. 

honestly though, asahi and makoto don't seem to fully grasp how deeply this is hurting haru. asahi said that he and makoto swam with haru and were fine, and makoto agreed, but i was thinking, "haru's not going to instantly feel better just because you guys said that." when you're feeling that bad about something, one quick and simple answer isn't going to fully heal you. i expected makoto to understand how hurt haru is right now, but i'm not sure if he does!! (...which is weird.) the good news is that nao seems to have a plan, i guess. i don't have a clue what he's thinking of doing, but i'm sure that haru and the others will get through to ikuya somehow. right? RIGHT???

[legendofzeldaalinktothepast]

Pathetic, Clinging Poetry - Chapter 16 (of 25)

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter 

Maybe one day, You'll understand the way I feel When she's by my side. Maybe one day, You'll understand that God put us here To experience love in sincerity. Maybe one day, You'll feel it for yourself. 

* 

With a glittery gel pen in one hand and her brand new notebook sitting in her lap, Pearl had everything she needed to start writing. She'd drawn a column of bullet points on the left side of her paper -- of course, that was the easy part. Filling in the bullets, on the other hand, was a different story. Pearl tapped her pen on the notebook, flicking little dots of sparkly ink on the sheet of paper. Glancing over towards Amethyst, she felt a slight twinge of guilt. She wanted to put her new birthday gift to use, she truly did... But her writer's block was hitting her harder than ever.

Back in high school, when her writing skills were at their peak, she'd start off with a list of words-- words that sounded pretty, or words that rhymed with each other, or new words she'd learned in school that day -- and use them as inspiration for a poem. A simple task for sixteen year old Pearl, but at twenty eight... It was more or less a chore.

'How did it come so easily to me back then...?' Pearl placed her gel pen in the notebook's spiral and set it aside. With a sigh, she laid her head against the pillows, deciding to watch Amethyst work on her painting instead. Perhaps her girlfriend's art could inspire some creative words.

Amethyst turned to Pearl and gave her a warm smile. "How you feelin', cutie?"

Pearl shrugged. "Tired. But I know I won't be able to sleep... And if I do, I'll probably have a nightmare."

"I don't blame you." Amethyst turned back to her palette and dipped her brush into a puddle of white paint. "Stay up with me and join me in the night owl club."

"But there's story time tomorrow... I need to be well rested if I'm going to be around those kids." Pearl whined.

"You don't have to go. It's not like you work there or anything, you're just doing it 'cause you can." Amethyst said.

"Ugh, I know, but the kids will miss me, and Mrs. Fluorite really needs my help sometimes." Pearl continued, burying her face into her arms.

"They'll deal." Amethyst said, pressing a kiss to Pearl's forehead. "Promise. They've survived without you before, they can do it for one day."

"But... But what if something bad happens tomorrow, and it's because I wasn't there? S-sometimes those kids really get out of hand, and Mrs. Fluorite's voice is too soft to really quiet them down, and she's so old, she'll probably get so overwhelmed, and..." Pearl's voice cracked, and she trailed off.

Amethyst cupped Pearl's cheeks. "Pearlie girlie, you're projecting like crazy right now. Do you hear yourself?"

Pearl blushed; was it really that obvious? "I guess I am a little." she admitted.

"Not just a little." Amethyst snorted. "Look, they'll be fine. And Peony is probably fine, too. And you're definitely gonna be fine as long as I have anything to say about it." Amethyst said, gazing right into Pearl's eyes. "I promise."

A long, but comfortable silence filled the room. Amethyst crawled up onto the bed beside Pearl, running her fingers up and down her spine. Slowly, she could feel herself beginning to relax, even if it was just a little. Something about Amethyst's presence was so soothing... As strange as she could be, she really knew how to quiet down Pearl's racing thoughts.

"Sometimes..." Pearl sighed, closing her eyes. "I can't help but wonder if she was right about some things. She'd always tell me and Peony that we'd never survive on our own... That we're too fragile to handle the real world. She'd only ever let us move out if we were moving in with a man -- and one she approved of, too. I was always told that women shouldn't be out on their own... And me and Peony especially so, because of our 'demons' -- that's why she believed we were autistic, by the way. Because of demons."

"Pearl... you really don't believe you have demons inside you, do you?" Amethyst raised an eyebrow.

"No, no, that's not the part I was taking seriously, just -- the part about us not being able to survive on our own." Pearl said, realizing how silly she might've sounded.

"I mean... you've never really had a chance to prove her wrong, but it doesn't make her right, either." Amethyst said. "But like... even if, for whatever reason, it was impossible for you to live on your own, you don't have to. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have run away from her, either. I mean, you're doing pretty well living with us... A lil setback here and there is normal."

"I guess you're right..." Pearl mumbled. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't still feeling uneasy, but Amethyst's words were at least somewhat reassuring. Amethyst could sense the anxiety still lingering in Pearl, and ran her fingers through her hair. "I love you a lot, Pierogi. It's gonna be alright someday."

'I hope that's true.' Pearl thought. Rubbing tears from her eyes, she shifted her position and laid back against the pillows. "I think I'm going to try and sleep."

"Alright. I'll be right here if you need me." Amethyst reassured, pressing a kiss to Pearl's cheeks and draping the blankets over her. "Sleep tight, babe."

"Good night.” 

* 

It wasn't empty nest syndrome; no, mothers suffering from an empty nest at least said goodbye to their daughters before they went off to college, or to live with their husbands, or some other bright, hopeful future. This was far worse; perhaps there wasn't even a word for it. Not just one, but both of her daughters slipping away in the middle of the night? Running off to live a life of sin and heresy? It was unheard of. It was something no mother should ever go through -- especially not one who'd dedicated her life to following God!

Whitney pounded her fist on the table; that damned voicemail message. Pearl's accomplice must have been protecting her by avoiding her calls. She should've seen it coming, but the rage boiled in her chest nonetheless. "After everything I did for those two... They just leave me behind to rot?" she hissed through gritted teeth. Standing up from the kitchen table, she stormed into the living room and approached the fireplace. Facing the wooden cross with clenched fists, she shouted, "What are you even doing up there?!" Tears of frustration and grief welled up in her eyes. "I've done everything to keep them in line! I prayed, and I followed you and you alone! I trusted and obeyed your word! And this is what I get?" Bursting into tears, she fell to her knees and buried her face into her hands. 

"I just... Don't understand. Why did they stray, Lord? Why did those demons have to take them away from me?"

Silence. Whitney didn't know what she expected; maybe if she begged hard enough, God himself would come down and tell her that it's all okay, that the demons dwelling inside her daughters were just too strong, and that no amount of motherly love could have changed that... But the longer she waited, the more she began to realize that it just wasn't going to happen.

Whitney finally lifted her head from her hands. Brushing the tears from her cheeks, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the glass door of the fireplace. 

* 

A few days passed; every time Jasper's phone rang (which, considering her social life, wasn't too often), Pearl immediately went into panic mode, which faded as the conversation went on and it became obvious that it definitely wasn't Whitney calling again. That, however, seemed to be more concerning... Now that Whitney had a way to contact Pearl (even if indirectly), it would seem like she'd utilize it as much as possible; but perhaps that wasn't the case, for whatever reason...

"Do you think she might've gotten it through her head?" Pearl asked one morning during breakfast; she sat on the opposite side of the table from Jasper, sprinkling a dash of cinnamon into her steaming bowl of oatmeal and slowly stirring it in. "Maybe... Maybe she finally realized that she's better off leaving me alone, and that I'm not going to come crawling back to her."

Jasper simply shrugged, keeping her gaze lowered to her cup of coffee. "Who knows what's going on in her head." she said, taking a sip. "I'm guessing she didn't get any less crazy after she took you away, huh?" she continued, trying to change the subject.

Pearl snorted. "Of course not. If anything, she got worse... But maybe it's because I got better." she said, eating a spoonful of her oatmeal. It was still a bit too hot, so she pushed the bowl aside. "When I was younger, I at least pretended to be brainwashed by that church. But over time, especially after we moved, I just... stopped caring. I stopped apologizing for things I didn't have to be sorry for, and I stopped listening when she threatened me with eternity in hell. And as a result, she got more strict... More threatening. I spent a whole night locked in one of the bathrooms, once, because I talked back to her." Pearl let out a sigh. "But - but that's in the past. She can't hurt me anymore. I'm not going to let her."

Finishing her cup of coffee, Jasper pulled herself to her feet. "That's what I like to hear. The past is in the past, and you can't let her control you." she said with a warm smile. "You're gonna be just fine, girlie. I'm still pissed that she ruined your birthday... Seriously, if you need me to kick her ass anytime, I'll gladly do it." she joked.

Pearl burst into laughter. "Thankfully, I don't think that'll be necessary. Even at her worst, she never once got physical with me or Peony -- unless you count shoving us onto the floor to pray, or locking us up in closets. She rarely ever raised her voice, even. She was... oddly calm for someone so manipulative."

"Necessary or not, I'll shove one of her fancy bedazzled sandals up her ass. Just watch." Jasper smirked, giving Pearl a playful nudge.

Pearl rolled her eyes. "Alright, I give you permission to do that if she tries to harm me. But I doubt she'll even leave the state."

"Aww, no fun." Jasper teased, rinsing her dishes off in the sink. "Speaking of fun, is Rose having her family game night thing tonight?"

"As far as I know, she still is." Pearl said. "Do you think you'll be coming along?"

"Duh." Jasper said, placing her coffee mug in the dishwasher. "It was pretty fun last time we went. That Steven kid is the cutest little shit. He has no concept of personal space, though."

Pearl giggled. "Welcome to my world. Imagine ten Stevens, some of which have snotty noses, and that's what storytime at the library is like for me."

"Grooossss." Jasper said. "I'm surprised you don't have Amethyst come along with you. It takes a lot to gross her out, so maybe she'll do good with the little rascals."

"I mentioned it to her once, but she said she wasn't a big fan of kids..." Pearl said. "Of course, I wasn't when I started volunteering there, either. So perhaps I could convince her to give it a try. Maybe next week, so I'm not springing it on her all suddenly."

"You should. She's probably bored, not having a job and all that." Jasper said. "Anyway... I should be heading off. I'll be lookin' forward to the game night, though."

"Aww, already?" Pearl glanced at the time on the stove; it was later than she'd thought. She rose to her feet and pulled Jasper into a tight hug. "Alright, well... have a nice day at work!"

Blushing, Jasper returned the hug. "Yeah, I'll try. Have fun at the library, girlie."

"I'll try my best." Pearl smiled, holding the hug for a few more moments before finally pulling away. 

* 

Peony wove her dainty fingers through her long amber hair, twirling the locks around and around. She fidgeted with the pair of scissors in her other hand and snipped aimlessly at the air, as if in preparation for what she was about to do. 'It's the only way. Once it's gone, I won't be able to change my mind again. Back and forth, back and forth... How was it so easy for her?' she thought with a sigh, caressing her soft hair in her hands. It was still a bit damp from the shower she'd taken earlier. 'It's so pretty... I'm going to miss it so much.' she thought. 'But it can always grow back.'

Taking a long, deep breath, Peony placed a chunk of her hair between the blades and began to cut. It was tough at first; 'Kitchen scissors aren't made for hair, that's for certain...' she thought, watching as the strands of hair fell to the ground.

Before she knew it, a pile of long, ginger hair laid at her feet. Peony looked herself over in the mirror; the bottom of her new hairstyle was choppy and messy. She definitely would have to get it touched up sometime, but that wasn't her top priority right then. She heard tires in the driveway; someone was waiting for her outside. Peony dropped the pair of scissors onto the floor and made her way down the stairs with no intention to come back up. 

[slut-for-fandoms]

Little witch (Part 11)

Pairings: Peter Parker x reader

Word count: 2 039

Summary: The reader is raised by Hydra but manages to escape after they kill her parents. She is emotionally unstable and can’t control her powers. The Avengers rescue her and give her everything she missed form life and wanted to feel. But would her new found love be enough to extinguish her desire for revenge? What would be the side she would choose to rely on? Will she be ready to face the real her?

A/N: I thought that this part would be the end of the story. Since the next chapter will be officially the last one, please tell me what you think, like, dislike or expect to happen ♥ I’m begging you because that’s what inspires me to write and right now i don’t think i have an inspiration... (And so so so sorry for the mistakes ♥)

Part 1// Part 2// Part 3// Part 4// Part 5// Part 6// Part 7// Part 8// Part 9// Part 10

Part 12

Dying wasn’t that painful when you were in the hands of your beloved one. And it was way longer than (Y/N) thought. Her shoulder was aching and her muscles were on fire but the feelings were in the reality while her brain made her believe it was some kind of a dream. She had buried her head in Peter’s chest listening to his fast heartbeat which made her relax. She was supposed to scream, shout for help not to feel blessed. A smile appeared on her face as their bodies were flying towards the lake below them together with the building. Tons of cement and metal were surrounding them as though to protect them from survival.

“I love you Peter.”, the girl whispered.

“I love you, (Y/N).”, in his estimation whatever he was going to say wasn’t enough to express the feelings he had towards this girl. She broke into his life like a bolt from the blue. She came and changed his life although his intention was to do the same with her. Peter desired to make her the happiest person in the world because she did deserve it... but now? They were going to die and no one could have changed that. He tightened his grip around her.

He was crying yet smiling. That girl gave up her life for her. If he wasn’t going to give the best to her in this world, he was going to do it in the other one they were heading to.

Tony and Vision landed on the landscape above the whole structure.

“What the hell is Thor eating?! He weighs tons.”, Tony complained as he let the god on the surface. He was still unconscious but Wanda was slowly returning back.

“Where are Peter and (Y/N)?”, Natasha asked cutting in the conversation.

The two flying avengers were about to turn and fly in order to take the two teenagers before the building had dived but as soon as the question escaped Nat’s mouth they all heard the noise. The sound made them all look at the shaking ground beneath them.

“No!”, Tony screamed as he activated  his suit and went straight to where they used to be but the falling structure prevented him from it.

“Tony, wait!”, Steve screamed to the avenger but Tony couldn’t hear anything. He was frozen in shock. Tears appeared in his eyes as everything splashed into the water. The boy he had to take care of, the boy who was like a son to him, died. (Y/N), the strange and dangerous girl who appeared more than a month ago, the girl who had been though hell just like him, the girl who he tried to help to recover because he knew about her nightmares, about the insomnia which was about to appear if it wasn’t the avengers and Peter, died. Many people had asked him if he had had a heart…At that moment he knew he had, because he felt it breaking. Breaking into million pieces as the two teenagers were being drawn in the lake. If it wasn’t the suit he would break down, too. He would have jumped into the lake and kill himself. His hands and lips were trembling. He bit the bottom lip and felt a taste of metallic, taste of the blood which he had felt several times. But this time he deserved it or at least that was what he thought.  

All of a sudden his body was filled with rage. ‘They are not going to die!’, he spoke to himself and within seconds he was above the ruins left from the building. The lake had increased its lever but only part of the structure had been underwater. Tony exploded part of them but it was vain. There was too much cement covering their bodies. He couldn’t save them on time.

“No!”, he screamed again in desperation. He fell on his knees and removed his mask throwing it away. The man couldn’t control his emotions anymore as he tended to do a lot. The tears were rolling down his face. When he felt an arm on his shoulder, he didn’t dare to look up.

“I had to protect them.”

“We all had to protect them, Tony.”, Steve knelt next to the mourning man, “And we all failed.”, Finally Tony gave up and lifted his head to see the blue eyes of the blond man. He was crying, too, “Come.”, Steve gave his hand to Tony and once he took it, the captain helped him to stand up.

Tony saw the helicopter near the water. All avengers were around it but nobody dared to get in. Wanda had opened her eyes but was still too weak. She had tears in her eyes and her muscled were tensed as she tried to use her power and remove the ruins from the water. They were slightly moving but it wasn’t enough. Her sadness was an obstacle for her powers to work. Vision was next to Wanda trying to calm her down as the witch suffered for her lost sister.

Clint was near Thor who was lying on the ground. The father had buried his head in his hands while they were resting on his legs. His body was shaking.

Natasha, who had seen many people dying, was crying near the helicopter’s entrance in Bruce’s arms. They had all lost not only partners but also members from this strange family.

They all got on the flying devise. Natasha turned on the autopilot and they all sat down in silence. Death can never be forgotten. It takes. Destroys. Tempts. Rules. Obsesses. Binds. The loss was painful, an agony for the Avengers. But it didn’t destroy them, didn’t obsess them to seek revenge…They would never be the same but what happened that day was going to keep them together as the family they thought they were.

(Y/N) slightly opened her eyes and felt a splitting headache. She groaned in pain and tried to take breath. It was difficult but somehow she did. ‘Why am I alive? I had to be dead…’, the girl thought and looked around. There was water everywhere and ruins over her and Peter. She looked at the boy, who was unconscious.

“Peter!”, the girl wanted to shout but the words came out as a whisper, “Peter, wake up.”, but no response. The little witch made all her efforts to move her right hand and once she did she saw it. It was dry. They were in something like a ball of air while the water was surrounding them. But the oxygen was ending as the girl had difficulties in breathing.

Moving Peter’s hair away from his face, she saw the blood on his forehead.

“Pete!”, shaking him a little didn’t work, “No! No, Peter! You can’t die you bastard!”, tears were forming in her eyes. Was that how everything would end? She wanted to be with him and now she would die in agony as the tons of cement over her and a dead body in her hands… ‘No! That’s not how I would die.’

The ruins of the base had pinched her and Peter’s legs, she was barely feeling them. The wound on her left shoulder wasn’t hurting anymore but the blood was covering the surface below her.

“We’ll live Peter.”, she stated and concentrated on the stones and metal. “You’ll live.”, as she opened her eyes they were shining in bright brown and green with parts of water. ‘Come on, (Y/N)! You destroyed it, so you can fix it.’, the air wasn’t enough, her blood was leaving her body way faster than before as she stained her muscles. Her body was on fire, screaming, dying, ready to give up.

The stones moved, she felt the weight of the water and the ruins pushing her deeper and deeper but thanks to the cement behind her back her body wasn’t moving. It was too heavy for her to get all the stuff out of the water, so using her left hand too she tried to at least move the cement away from them – in left and right. The visions became blurry and at moments dark. She was losing consciousness but the desire to save the boy she loved was her anchor. She was going to save him willing to give her life for his.

Wanda stood up. She couldn’t bare sitting in silence anymore. She needed to scream, to push, to break, to get the emotions out of her. They were tearing her apart, choking her. She went to the place where the pilot was supposed be and looked though the glass.

Wanda had lost her brother some years ago. She felt a thread tearing then. Part of her died with her brother. Now, the feeling was the same. (Y/N) wasn’t her blood but she felt it closer than anybody from the avengers. Shopping, although the little witch was against it, talking about boys, the girly nights, the teasing…everything was a dream that would never become true.                                                                                                                            She looked back at the lake where Peter and (Y/N) sank. They weren’t that far away so the woman managed to see a movement. Seconds later the ruins were getting up above the water.

“Steve!”, Wanda screamed in both excitement and fear. They had to help them or if the ruins fell on them, they would be smashed. The avengers turned to look at her, all of them with red eyes, “Turn the helicopter. Now!”, she demanded and Steve, as a good soldier, sat on the chair, turned off the autopilot and tried to follow Wanda’s order. The others were shocked because of the movement and stood up. Tony was the first one to go next to Wanda and see what was going on. When he saw the moving object, he filled with happiness.

“They are alive.”, he breathed out and went to open the helicopter’s gates.

“I’m coming with you! You’ll need me.”, Wanda ordered and Tony took her by the waist. Then both of them jumped and flew to the lake. When their feet touched the ground, Wanda inhaled and exhaled deeply several times in order to take control over her powers.

“Clear the way, I’ll get them.”, Stark announced and took the Iron man mask which was some meters away from him. Putting it back, he heard JARVIS’s voice.

“You must hurry, Mr. Stark!”

Wanda lifted her hands and the ruins followed her movements. It was way easier than she thought, maybe because (Y/N) was moving them. She then felt the stones weren’t obeying her magic because they wanted to separate in different directions.

“Smart girl!”, Wanda beamed and did the same in order to help the little witch under the water. But soon it became too heavy and Wanda understood why.

“Tony! Hurry!”, the way wasn’t cleared as he needed but the man used his small bombs to destroy the ruins. He didn’t need Jarvis to scan where the teenagers were as he saw them on the bottom.

(Y/N) had succeeded. The stones were moved and now Peter could be saved. The girl’s eyes were slowly closing as the blood in her veins wasn’t enough to keep her alive. Her body was cold but the girl didn’t care. The shield keeping them from drowning was becoming smaller and smaller. Maybe that was the end. She and Peter were dying and probably not going to the same place. She was sad…not because her life was leaving her but because Peter had left this world without deserving this. She had stormed into his life and because of her mistakes, past, parents…nature, he died. There was nothing holding (Y/N) back. She had been desiring for this day since she was eight years old. Her parents were killers, her life – ruined, her soul – taken, and she – a disaster killing every single thing on her path.

The light streaming through the water once the heavy things were removed was actually giving her hope, a small one, but still that the boy would be saved. And when she saw somebody swimming towards them she knew the pain was worth it. When Tony came closer, the only thing which escaped her mouth before passing out was:

“Save him.”

PART 12

If you want to be tagged, just ask ♥ :) 

@thevanishedillusion  @philautia-love-of-self @purplekitten30 @itscalledfandombitches @legendarydazekitten @spookymaddie@sammysgirl1997 @1akemi5 @ichbinannaaa  @livegreater-loveharder@briannareneea985 @nyu-kun69 @b-orderline @lucifersimapala @fav-fan-fic @devilsdaughter1225 @ora-la-few @alaskayoung-x @myurlhere @xameliax66 @flammy-whater @shadowmaiden1618 @rainbow-pandacorn @kat-rivalle @thesaraaaaahpfan @laura2280 @rainbowcherios @b0byyy @shannonxgabriela @coolmarvelgirl @permanent-lines @thefallenbibliophilequote @yummyphoenix39 @kaitlynthehuman @justcuchu@lovingrevolution @also-known-as-me @reddie-freddie-is-deaddie @ashleykh@m0ck1ngjayl0v3 @pastelbronagh @tomxhotland @legitgirl15@funsizedgremlin @onceuponateenpanwolfian @seilamigliorcosacheabbiamaivisto @kawaiipanda2005 @isnow-0r-never@kenziecole-green @brokenwingsxix @thatcrazywhovian09@charlotte-of-the-enterprise @bitchhstopp @rory-is-in-ravenclaw @winchester-15@shadowmaiden1618 @baka-chanismyname @ugghhjessica @superflashallen@isnow-0r-never @siriuspadfoot14 @-lilacnialler-  @lunastarwatcher @the-rad-mad @mysanityisgone27 @follwing-the-shadows @kenziecole-green@thatcrazywhovian09 @bethabear12@ekjane @johnsonxstilinski @africanqueen2002 @alitmelati @ too-many-fandomfeels @sai-kida134 @babyhollands @shmeebee94 @jeanneir@awesomehappypirate @danielisnotonbranding thequeerishere555 @pigwidgexn @canciones-que-salvanvidas@lannanu @laura2280 @kidensdouble88 @kenziecole-green @bethabear12 @kawaiianime03 @somixedbasic @whyrallthegooduserstaken

[theaspiescribe]

Trans Pride (content warning)

The 28th of December marked the 5th anniversary of Leelah Alcorn’s death. 

Since it’s pride month I wanted to write a few words for Leelah, who if not for a transphobic world would still be here and living as she was always meant to be. When Leelah died, I wrote about her and how things needed to change.

If you’re unfamiliar, Leelah was a trans girl who lived with parents that harboured transphobic and regressive views. Her parents wouldn’t allow her to transition and instead sent her through the excruciating ordeal of conversion therapy. They made her life a living hell, merely because they couldn’t accept her true gender. Leelah felt desperately alone and struggled to see that things could get better for her. She knew exactly who she was and did find some love from her friends when she expressed to them who she was and when they respected her pronouns, but the rejection and hate from her family was so overwhelming that it no doubt would have been a tortuous existence to live every day. 

Leelah would often post on trans subreddits on Reddit. The internet was like a sanctuary for her at a time when it must have felt there was no escape from her transphobic parents, but it wasn’t enough, she needed this love in her real life and it was sorely lacking. It could have been different if she was given the love she deserved.

Leelah had a tremendous talent and she loved to sketch. Her potential was plain to see in the detailed drawings she posted on Reddit. I am convinced that if we lived in a world full of love she would now be a successful artist. 

Some of Leelah’s work:

I was deeply affected by Leelah’s story because I myself felt closeted and reading of how painful her life was, even after she embraced who she was, it was extremely demoralising. The sense of fear I had about being true to who I am had always been acute, but reading of how much Leelah suffered, it convinced me that it would be safer to keep how I felt private.

Leelah’s death sent me into a deep depression for the first few months of 2015. I became obsessed about trans issues, the scourge of prejudice we face and so angry about the injustice of being trans and living in a world where at best you were shown a few crumbs of acceptance and at worst you were abused, ignored, bullied and even killed. I felt so helpless and of course there was a part of me that doubted it would get better. When it’s dark, you desperately cling onto the hope that it can get better, but when you’re surrounded by the darkness each and every day, that voice gets a little weaker and weaker. 

I will always feel a close connection to Leelah, because it was through remembering her that I found my first internet friend, who was at a vigil in London. We have remained very close since and she is super supportive of trans people. I love her so very much and wouldn’t have made it to this point without her.

source

I want to pay tribute to the two black trans women, Riah Milton and Dominique Rem'mie Fells who were killed in the last two weeks. Riah was a home health aide and studied at the university of Cincinnati, she loved her family and the photos she shared of them. She had a love of traveling and wanted to see so many more places in the world. Dominique was very close to her mother and her close friend said of her ““She lived her truth so loud that you could hear her a mile away.” She had dreams of becoming a fashion designer and she loved to dance. 

The black trans community have suffered to an extent few of us will ever know of. They need our love not tomorrow, but today. The LGBTQ movement needs to ensure that trans people of colour are being recognised and listened to. 

My favourite trans author is Janet Mock, her impactful book Redefining Realness was incredibly meaningful to me during a time in my life when I was struggling to see many signs of hope. I read her book a few months after Leelah’s death and it was very therapeutic to read from an incredibly powerful trans woman who was telling her story to the world. It gave me cause to nurse the dream that things could be different. 

Words and actions matter. Transphobia like any prejudice is sustained by silence, I have faith that most cis people will stand up to love trans people and non-binary people but there’s always been a tendency for people to avoid standing up for marginalised communities because for a lot of people, they’re just not a priority and other things often take precedence.

Anytime that I see a cis person show their vehement passion for trans rights it makes me warm, because it helps me to see a world where trans people are valued and cared for, and where any hate is drowned out by the stronger force of love. When you have people so open in their love for trans and non-binary people it makes you believe that you will be loved for who you are. 

Since today, the 18th of June is autistic pride day I want to talk about my gender too. Over the last few months I have been working as hard as ever on my self-esteem in the hope that I can finally live as who I want to be. I have made mistakes, and there have been setbacks, but I have tried as hard as I can to get a little stronger every day. I have found the strength to write about my trauma, my mental illness and my pain and through that I feel as if I’ve emerged a much tougher and loving person. 

When I was in school I got called names like “f**”, “bender”, “girly” and a “wimp”. I wouldn’t describe it as bullying because it was never persistent but anytime I was true to myself it would inevitably invite scrutiny and hurtful remarks. I have always been quite feminine but I became so ashamed of that side of me that I would conceal it. 

I now feel enough love to say proudly that I am trans. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not a man. Part of the reason adolescence was so rough for me was because I was developing physical features that I didn’t want. I hated the powerlessness of it and being so lonely to have no one to tell. My BDD made me believe that I could never be my true self because how could I do makeup/hair and develop my own style if I hated to look at myself in the mirror. For a long time I became resigned to the idea that this would be life. 

But in the last two years, something within in me has changed. I have found my love for life again and the love for myself, I’m starting to really believe in a way that I haven’t before. This pandemic has been a time of intense worry for me because it feels as if the three rocks in my life, my Mam, Dad & dog Jack are all running out of time. Mam & Dad are in the at risk group and Jack’s age is starting to show. I have used this time to try and make something positive come from something incredibly scary and I’m starting to really believe that I can make it happen.

I am a strong person but I am afraid and I also am extremely fragile. My trauma has made me feel like I’m broken at the worst of times. But I don’t want to be trapped by it anymore. I want to be true to who I am, so, so badly. What I have discovered is that trying to get my life back on track will not work unless I embrace every aspect of myself. I don’t know when quarantine will end, but when it does, I will be ready; there is no turning back now.

This was a big step for me, but I couldn’t have made it this far without the help of some very special people. I need to say a few words because I’m so thankful:

To Aisling: We have become so very close in the last year. You have helped me become more open and hopeful. Few things bring me more joy than seeing you and your bros together and happy. 

To Ellie: You always know what to say. I am one hundred percent sure that I couldn’t have gotten this far without your kindness and compassion. You know how things were so you’ll understand why our friendship means everything. Could talk about anything anytime.

To Jordanne: Having an autistic friend that I can confide in about my worries and challenges means a lot. You are strong and your friendship makes me feel stronger. I will always be rooting for you.

To the precious two that have a splendid and ascendant radio show, thank you for making me see that I can be who I want to be. Love your style, sense of justice and how you’re both so strong & soft. Everything feels right when you’re together every Monday.

Somewhere out there, I hope Leelah is proud of me today. I hope someday we can make the world the place she wanted it to be. For trans people and non-binary everywhere.

https://marshap.org/about-mpji/

https://www.theokraproject.com/

[sheismelinda]

(out)Growing.

I honestly think I’ve just outgrown things. I’ve outgrown drinking myself under the table until my head hurts and the room spins. I like my wine and my fruity drink and why not, a drinking game at New Year’s Eve. But I’m not the party girl anymore, the one who soley purpose of the night is to drink and forget how heartbroken I am. I’m still the same girl, the scars I have are still there and still hurts sometimes, but I’ve started a path to heal myself more than a year ago and apparently that does not include revolving my entire night out (or in) around drinking.

I’ve outgrown keeping toxic people in my life. I’m best known for giving second chances to people who have done me wrong. And sometimes it works out for the best, as my best friend and I reconnected after a three-months silence and now we’re even closer than before. But most of times, I just end up being let down. I am not okay with being around people who make me feel judged and insicure and ugly and wrong. This is NOT how friendship is supposed to be. I know if I feel anxiety rising up in my chest every time I have to go out with them, because I know that someone at one point will comment on my outfit and say that it’s not flattering for my figure or that my hair color does not suit me, or that “why are you eating that, aren’t you supposed to be on a diet?” I should not be around them. Constructive criticsism is one thing, and I can work with that, plain critique and judgment is a whole other deal. Friends should not talk HURTFULLY behind your back, intentionally keep you out of conversations or outings and most of all, walk away when you need them most. Friend should not pick on you because they are pissed off by something or someone else and they can’t let it out on them so they pick the weakest one and drag them down. And firend who KNOW that all this behaviours are wrong should not shut up because otherwise it would cause a fight, should not pretend that everything is okay because it’s not. People who hurt people are just as bad as those who see it and don’t say anything. I got tired of chasing people and begging them to like me back, shifting my own persona into something that would “fit” their box just because I’m so afraid of being alone.

I’ve outgrown having to justfy myself when it comes to my interests. I’ve been in realtionships and friendships where the fact that I love fanfictions or binge watching TV series or listening to commercial music, would make me “look dumb” or “childish”. I would lie when it came to telling what I was reading because I would feel ashamed of it, so much that I sometimes even stopped alltogether. I like fanfictions and I like nerdy stuff and collecting things and playing with legos, and if someone does not like it, well too bad.

I’ve outgrown putting myself in a box and sticking a bunch of lables on it. Yes, I’m a lesbian and I’m proud of it. No I don’t wear “boy clothes” or have short hair and drink beer or other fucking stupid stereptypes you think all lesbians are. Yes I have the tendency to like more tomboy-ish girls No that does not mean I need a man in my life or a super buch girl. Yes I’m insicure about myself and my body. No, that does not mean tha t I’m “afraid a men would not like me” so I’ve gone for girls instead. (There are more men hitting on me actually and sorry, but I like girls so very much) Yes I love makeup and girly dresses and burning candles and fruity drinks and romantic cheesy stuff. No that does not mean that I’m just pretending to be gay (because yes, people have told me I’m actually not a lesbian just because I like those things). Yes, I’m out and my family supports me. No, that does not mean that “I’ve had it easy” or that coming out wasn’t a struggle or that I’ve not suffered or that my WHOLE family is okay with it 100% or that it’s easy for me to tell new people I’m gay. I’m sick of people who lable me as a lesbian and stop at that, I’m so much more than just my sexuality and you have no right to tell me who I am or who I’m not because I don’t fit in your stupid ass stereotypes.

Still, there are many many thing I still have to outgrown. My constant insicurity of not being enough for the people that I love. That gutting feeling that they would be better off without me and I do not deserve them. The pressuring hate I have for myself when it comes to my appearence, my body, my many flaws and all the times I tried working on it and I miserably failed. The insicurities I have for my future, as far as my carreer and where would I be. The fear of so many things that I do not know or cannot control. The lack of focus or want that so many times takes over entire projects I have started. And yes, the depression that I overcame about a year ago that still comes back to hunt me when I’m at my lowest.

But I’m working, I never stop working on it and that is making me feel like a better person. Sorry for the rant if someone is actually reading the whole thing but I had a few thing I had to take off my chest.

[agilenano]

Agilenano - News: How Men Can Feel Shame in Relationship

  Sexual and gender narratives are complex and fluid because human beings are complex and fluid, my personal philosophy tells me that every person has a mixture of masculine and feminine traits in their nature. The names are helpful sometimes, other times they perpetuate a sense of otherness and estrange people from the ‘opposite’ gender, I can observe that the LGBTQIA+ community actively question these narratives in some ways, and embrace them in other ways; I feel like we all need to do that.

Awareness and acceptance of different sexuality has progressed a lot in some communities, but in others, not so much. I’m fortunate that I don’t spend much time with men who shame each other anymore however that’s largely due to my own decision to not allow that in my life. No matter how many times we say this is wrong, it continues. Why does it continue? Because there’s an accepted model of masculinity that celebrates shaming other men, and women, into silence for the sake of dominance. The underlying system that keeps these narratives in place, and the ways that they are perpetuated, is explored in Mark Greene’s book The Little #metoo Book For Men. This was born from men’s inability to accept and embrace the #metoo movement.

Greene took his inspiration from an experiment in the early 1980’s called the Oakland Men’s Project in which they developed a theory called: “The Act Like A Man Box”. They worked with adolescents in public schools in the San Francisco bay area. Kivel documented their workshop process in his 1992 book: Men’s Work: How to Stop Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart.

Kivel stated:

We invited boys and men to explore the cultural rules by which they had been socialized to conform to narrow definitions of masculinity, police each others’ manhood and use their power and privileges to enforce gender-based exploitation, violence, and abuse against women, LGBTQ[I] people, and other marginalized groups.

This work was expanded by Tony Porter, founder of A CALL TO MEN, who’s work includes work in penitentiaries. The Compassion Prison Project are an amazing organization working in this area.

The theory has been termed ‘The Man Box Theory’ and it insists that men grow up in an environment that discourages feelings, and actively suppresses love, relationship, flexibility, and recognizing woman as equal. As boys we are taught that:

“Real men” don’t show our emotions.

“Real men” are heterosexual, hyper-masculine, and sexually dominant.

“Real men” never ask for help.

“Real men” always have the last word.

“Real men” are providers, never caregivers.

“Real men” are economically secure.

“Real men” are physically and emotionally tough.

“Real men” are sports focused.

Boys are also taught that:

Their desire for close relationship is “girly”.

Being “girly” is less.

As a society, we tell boys to “Man Up.” We tell boys that “Boys don’t cry.” We tell boys “Don’t be a sissy.” Then we are exacerbated and punitive with men who are violent. Greene says that what we are really communicating to boys is :

“Don’t be female, because female is less.”

Wrongly gendering the universal capacity for human connection as feminine then coaching boys to see feminine as less is how we block our sons from the trial and error process of growing their powerful relational capacities, leading to a lifetime of isolation.

At a time when boys should be expressing and constructing their identities in more diverse, grounded, and authentic ways, they are brutally conditioned to suppress authentic expression and instead cleave closely to the expression of male privelege as identity. And so, men brag about hook-up sex and ghosting women, seeking to bond via the uniformly degrading and contemptuous narratives of locker-room talk.

So what does this look like in real life?

Personally, I’ve always found the narrative around male sexuality extremely daunting and uncomfortable. It comes with a huge pressure to perform, and an insistence on power plays, I’ve suffered my fair share of performance anxiety on dance floors. Pretty much every single time I looked over at a woman that I found enticing and beautiful, I would try to seem cool; aloof, uninterested but also interested — how is that even possible?! I would try to dance in the rhythm of the music so that she would make an approach to me, although I was so shy that I often couldn’t make eye contact with her, and I couldn’t dance in the rhythm of the music because I was awkward with my own body, so she’d assume that I wasn’t that interested after all.

I also experienced developmental trauma as a child, a trauma that happened and was kept silent because of these structures of the masculine. The trauma kept me from having the self-esteem to make eye contact and be confident; the trauma kept me from questioning the narrative. I couldn’t play the aggressive man’s role in that environment, so I lost out. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have waited and waited for signs of consent from a woman, waited until I was alone at the end of the night. I was unable to see the subtlety of most of the consenting glances or affirmations of feeling. I simply didn’t know what I was looking for, and I was unable to recognize the reflection of that in myself. I remember one time that I was in a European city for a weekend break and I met a woman hiking on the slopes of a nearby mountain, we chatted and laughed, I asked her if she wanted to go for some drinks and so we went out drinking and dancing. We left the dance floor, it was early in the morning and we were on the street and I still wouldn’t make the advance. I remember her grabbing my shirt, dragging me over to her and saying in her foreign accent: “Jesus! Come here.”

If i’m honest, I’ve been frozen by the fear around consent.

I have always been a sensitive man and i’m willing to bet that there are many of you out there too, I am largely introverted. In a strange way I resonate a lot more often with the narratives that women speak of, because of my history of trauma but also because I feel very deeply. I’m intentionally focusing on men’s work now to build the observance of that narrative within me in the positive masculine, there are some wonderful initiatives out there: ManKind Project, and some amazing facebook forums like the ManTalks Community. The more I engage in this work, the more I realize men feel as deeply as women do, of course we do, it’s just that the shame exists specifically around feeling weak, and the narratives tell us that all emotions that aren’t anger are weak. A lot of my friends talk of having depression because they’re not recognized for their gentleness, their kindness, and their sensitivity.

I remember a conversation with a really close friend recently about the comparison to who I was eight years ago when we first met; the words he was using were: “quiet, gentle, kind.” It’s always been in my nature to be contemplative, gentle, and kind, I can thank my parents and grandparents for that. However, the quiet part was not so much me, it came from confusion of how I felt and the inability to recognize how I could express that alongside a burning fear of what others would think of me.

Men have to play the man dance between friends. Who’s the alpha, who gets to be dominant. The issue is that dominance is reached through ridicule and shame, and weakness is considered through not being strong enough, being vulnerable, or failing at certain things. Manly things.

There were elements of conquest that were sewn through the narrative of dating as a young man. I’m 32 now so I’d say I’m still young however when I was an adolescent the language was: “Let’s pull a bird.” Like it was our decision, taking a woman home was like a prize, she was seen as an object of that conquest, like a trophy, one that I couldn’t wait to brag about. Being turned away by a woman was shameful. Men dismissed women as “girls” or wrote of their refusal as some personal deficiency on their part: “uptight”, “Frigid”, “That time of the month”, “Lesbian”. All aggressions. That drove some pretty disgusting and disgraceful behavior for me. It always made me wince slightly to say those things, though I said them because I wanted to fit in. Whenever I didn’t say it I was isolated, I felt alone, and I was ignored as the quiet one. Some women celebrated this behavior, others found it disgusting, some saw through the face I had on to my sensitive side, I feel like the latter was the most dangerous scenario because they didn’t hold me accountable for the actions that I took. They saw the good in me and ignored the bad. Having said that, I wasn’t very good at dating because I just couldn’t be aggressive enough in that environment, I could only get so far before my gut and my heart took over and I’d end up wandering off or listening to them talk about their life in the friend zone, don’t get me wrong, i’ve shared some wonderful moments being the a trusted friend to actual friends, but these cases I was looking for more and I left feeling frustrated and confused. Now I see dating very differently and I’d never consider dating someone that I haven’t found a deep and loving connection with first, that’s where trust blossoms from.

The phrases of my youth seem so degrading now and I understand a lot more from the literature that I’ve read that calling women animal names is pervasive as a way of disempowering them. I suppose this is where the narrative of men in charge was played out, in these scenarios; ready to ride in on our horses and snatch someone from the dance floor to take them home. A narrative that has almost seeped into our modern language unnoticed because of it’s continuous existence throughout history. Looking at these narratives, writing these narratives down feels obvious, uncomfortable, wrong. I don’t wish to perpetuate them, I wish to bring light to them so we can all understand the nuance, where it is we need to change, and to challenge our own and other people’s behavior. I’m not suggesting you go and put yourself in danger with an aggressive man, but if one of my trusted friends acts in these ways — albeit subtly, I do feel like it’s our own responsibility to say: ‘hey, can we talk about how you acted back there? I find that uncomfortable.’ That’s where change builds from.

Women have been in on this narrative for a long time, it’s time for men to wake up to it. I would never suppose what women have felt about this, just from the feminist literature that I have read I know that the issue of safety in public, and in social situations has been a huge issue for women, amongst many other things like finding identity amongst a system that deems them second-class. From the things that I’ve observed in my life: women sticking together in groups, and having to rebut the advances of some cocky guy who is being inappropriate in a way that doesn’t put them in physical danger. That’s a fine line. Why should they have to live their lives with that danger to perpetuate this culture of manhood?

Being the friend of a woman in that position, I always felt the need to meet the cocky guy’s aggression, I’d always wait to see if my friend could handle the situation and what she wanted from it, but if she was uncomfortable I did feel the social need to step in and scare him away so to speak. That got me into a few tense situations. Luckily because of my height, the anger that I had from the trauma, and my sharp intellect, I’ve always been good at the man box game so i’ve never had to fight anyone. It wasn’t so lucky for me in the long term.

I lived in terror of advancing towards a female in a social situation, I always sat and stared at them hoping that they wouldn’t be put off, and that they would come over — no it didn’t work, and yes it was creepy. I remember feeling isolated, ashamed, alone, sometimes desperate for a companion. I directed that violently inward, in self-loathing. Some men direct it violently outward, in domestic abuse and violence. This is one of the biggest issues of our age. This doesn’t just show up in dating by the way, it can show up in our careers.

I ended up getting a job in a bar just to be legitimately in that environment, to give a natural conversation starter.

I’m fortunate in being a sensitive guy because I’ve always been surrounded by other sensitive guys, and initially i’d have that implicit sense of knowing with them; our sensitivity was unexpressed, it went without being said because of the shame around being emotional, not wanting to feel vulnerable, or being embarrassed by having tender feelings. The more I resolve my trauma in therapy and the more I work around expressing emotions and the shame of weakness, the more I have wonderful conversations with men. Men who feel deeply, men who express that feeling with confidence and safety. I know environments where I can share in safety now, I hope that they’ll expand into wider society. I love the hashtag #strongmenfeel because it takes courage to combat this shame and speak and I think it’s very necessary for us to build a new cultural narrative in which men own their feelings and in doing so become able to respond to life’s emotional challenges; responsibility. The leaders of our time are all so quick to blame others because our culture doesn’t allow people to fail. That’s dangerous. We learn through failing, and we learn through expression, and relation to others who might not have the same view. Once these things start to change, I think we’ll see a vastly different cultural and societal situation.

I’ve also started bringing that respect for my own feelings and expressions to conversations with women, and although I’m not dating right now, I’ve had the most satisfying conversations with female friends recently around emotions. These can only happen in trusted and safe environments, and I’ve learned that aggression, even in micro form, in relationship leads to the breakdown of trust.

We have to make the link between what men are taught is socially acceptable in our friendship groups, the roles that it is acceptable for us to play in society as a whole, and the problems we’re seeing in society in relationships. These are the selves that we will show up as in relationship to our partners, wives, mothers, sisters as well.

I remember playing the man dance in my friendship groups so often and feeling squashed and resentful, then angry. I’d cut my friends down viciously. It always received a laugh. I’ll always remember a time that I was so cutting with my insults that one of my friends left our friendship hangout early and went home. I was celebrated in that moment as clever, funny, aggressive, punitive, angry. He was written off as not strong enough to survive. I didn’t recognize or realize, but I believe he was struggling through the grief of losing his father at the time. That’s heavy. It felt good to be acknowledged, it felt wrong to inflict pain. I did later apologize. Perhaps I’m being harsh on myself, perhaps I need to forgive myself for those times, but who knows how many times it went unspoken. Now I think about it I can remember giving and receiving this state of affairs frequently; hourly, daily.

The fact is that these things are encouraged. Men stand around and rip each other apart because it’s a laugh. Because it’s expected. Men are shamed into the perpetuation of these narratives by men; our biggest shame point is weakness. We’ll shame our own sons in front of our friends just to avoid being vulnerable and express feelings, to seem strong. When really we are only serving to isolate ourselves. Feelings are considered weak unless their anger. If someone challenges that they’re dismissed, and isolated from the friendship. All the while, we repress our feelings.

Now, I celebrate a constructive challenge, in love, to something that is holding me back from loving myself, from loving other people. I can see the value in discomfort sometimes or self-evaluation.

The antidote to shame is expression and empathy. Let’s be encouraging, let’s hold space for each other to talk, let’s be active listeners and celebrate hard feelings without the need to fix them. Sometimes in life, there isn’t a fix, and trust me I know how hard it can be for a man to not ‘fix’ a problem. Some things in life are just hard, sometimes we all need someone to just listen and allow us to feel without guilt, embarrassment, or shame.

At school, we were called ‘sissy’, ‘little b@*ch’, ‘pussy’, ‘gay’ if we expressed vulnerability around emotion. That does three main things:

Represses emotions in men.

Tells men that women are somehow wrong and inferior.

Tells men that homosexuality is somehow wrong and inferior.

That’s negative association. There are many other things that these rhetorics do.

Repressing emotions is a terrible thing because it leads to the depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies that we are struggling within western societies today. It also leads to violent outbursts of aggression coming from the emotion, like a volcano bursting open from the pressure build-up. I’m not sure how other societies are fairing with this, but I’d love to know. I know through my trauma journey that once you get to the point where you feel your emotions are futile then it’s a slippery slope towards anxiety, depression, and if you don’t have anyone to talk to who celebrates your emotional expressions in a safe space it can lead to suicidal tendencies. Suicide is an awful, and tricky subject, it feels uncomfortable to even go there, yet some men (and I respect that women go through this too) see that as the best, and most practical, option to stop their suffering. The truth is that there is a process to recovering your self and it involves honoring your feelings. Step by step. Little by little.

We are losing too many men to this issue, and the underlying cause is the shame around weakness; failure, vulnerability.

Men are simply not taught how to feel, they’re not given the environment to be vulnerable and to explore their feelings in safety. They’re not encouraged to explore vocabulary, there mostly told to shut up, be a man, chin up, boys don’t cry, you’re a good boy, be a good boy.

I heard Mark Greene, from the Good Men Project, speak to this on the ManTalks podcast; an excellent podcast run by Connor Beaton. He said that the masculine image of the provider really started around the industrial revolution of the west in the 19th century, that’s a relatively short time in history. It was then that we became disconnected from the family unit and became the people who provided materially for the family. This is one of the reasons that men were disconnected from their feelings. Disconnected from the role as a care giver in the family. As a society, we have been recovering from this disconnect recently, but there are still issues here. The man box theory really is an excellent exploration into that subject if you want further reading on this.

This alienation from being a caregiver in a family merely because the factories were started in that time and it was the men who generally went to work in them. The celebrated model of masculinity was strength, hard work, utility, sweat, progression due to this cultural identity. Men needed to work physically, work hard; blood, sweat, no tears. That suited the former role of hunter-gatherer too.

Before the industrial revolution women were the first nurturers and, of course, they gave birth but men were also integral to the caregiving environment.

The knowledge-based society that we are approaching — or are already in depending on what your perceptions are, is challenging the concept of masculinity again. The provider is no longer as celebrated, the manual labourer who goes out to work hard, sweating, and working machinery is largely a thing of the past in the west. Mostly, men had a physical advantage with that, it was part of our identity. Strength, not weakness. That has disappeared very quickly and we need to find a new narrative that allows and celebrates men to feel empathy and vulnerability, because that’s about the most courageous and strong thing we can do now.

—

Previously published on Medium.com.

—

***

If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.

Talk to you soon.

— Photo credit: By Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

  The post How Men Can Feel Shame in Relationship appeared first on The Good Men Project.

Agilenano - News from Agilenano from shopsnetwork (4 sites) https://agilenano.com/blogs/news/how-men-can-feel-shame-in-relationship