#literally about to write my grad school thesis about this

[grey-ves]

Especially with the release of The Unwanted Guest, I feel like I see too much focus on the “romantic” (as in idealized and regarding any type of love) message of the series and not enough on what I personally think tazmuir’s actual thesis statement is. We forget that she is a horror author, and I think that is her entire goal. Every set of relationships we’re presented with are codependent, unhealthy, consumptive. Someone is consuming someone they love, someone is being consumed by someone they love. Even if they claim not to, even if they try to find a more “fair” way to do it (ex.: Paul), it’s still what is happening in the end. (Abigail and Magnus are the only exceptions I can think of.) Pyrrha is the only character who seems to recognize this, and she tries so hard to call it out, but no one listens because they think it’s romantic. Because every relationship is either seen as romantic or wretched, both by the characters and by the readers, even though they are all so bad. I think tazmuir is trying to make readers question this. Why do we find certain toxic relationships - like Harrow and Gideon - romantic, but others - like John and Alecto - horrifying? Why is one acceptable but not the other? Where do we draw the line? In regards to TUG, why do we jump from changing each other with love, to consuming each other in its name?

I think this will be even more clear in AtN.

[crowleyanthonys]

.

[complexedandfruity]

writing an "about me" for my website/glorified portfolio & i've literally never wanted to commit crimes more than i do in this moment

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

Hey other Grad Students: I would not suggest cramming your final paper for your class into three days. 

However, I’m glad to be done. Hope my professor likes the paper. 

[itsclydebitches]

Any tips for new grad students? I'm about to start in the fall and I'm curious how it'll be different/hopefully better than undergrad!

Congratulations, anon!!!

Let's see... some alphabetical tips based on my own experience:

Ask for help. You'll likely have a million questions and, unfortunately, the designated people who can answer them are often crazy busy and may take a while to get back to you, or forget entirely. So don't be afraid to ask for help from whoever might even feasibly know the answer -- including tumblr blogs! You're off to a great start lol

Be on the lookout for advisors early. Whether you're just in need of a singular advisory for a thesis, or if you'll be putting a whole committee together, approach every new instructor with the question, "Would I want them to mentor me through my research?" in the back of your mind. Pay attention to not just their specialties and teaching methods, but who they are as a person. Do you like them? Are you comfortable with them? Do they treat you respectfully? Do they seem to have everything well in hand? I loved my advisor dearly as a person, but he was often waaaaaay behind on his work. Looking back, I would have at least considered choosing someone with better organization/time management skills.

Get good at writing emails. Can you write a succinct, professional sounding email? Great! Get comfortable doing that throughout the whole day. Feeling a little iffy? Practice over the summer. There are a lot of templates online that can help, but you'll want to ensure you're not going into grad school still writing "k thx" from your iPhone at 3:00am. (For the record, your professors may do this, the students should not lol).

Have designated, scheduled downtime. Literally if you don't plan to take a break... you won't be taking a break. Not until your body decides to take one for you, anyway. Friday nights were always my couch potato time. Absolutely no work allowed and no strenuous activity unless it was something I was legitimately excited about (so no getting pressured into outings I didn't actually want to attend). Friday nights were sacred, a time for takeout and only whatever else I felt like doing, usually TV, video games, and vegging out with my cat.

Imposter Syndrome is a BITCH. Luckily, pretty much everyone's got it to a greater or lesser extent, we all just need to acknowledge it more. You know those boards some schools have celebrating places where students have gotten in and other achievements? Yeah, we put one up for failures in our department. Literally a giant, glittery, "CONGRATS YOU DIDN'T GET IT!" board where we hung proposal rejections, grant rejections, school rejections, scholarship rejections, job rejections, and on one memorable occasion a date rejection. I highly recommend it. Nothing lessens the sting quite as much as seeing that you're a part of a sea of similar disappointments and remembering that you're all in the same, often luck-based boat.

Pick a non-academic hobby. Your mental health will thank you, trust me. Like the designated downtime, you need to be doing something that's not reading/writing/researching 24/7. Pick a hobby that in no way relates to academics or your chosen field, preferably something hands-on and creative. Grad school is when I picked up crocheting alongside knitting.

Prepare to hold down two jobs. This really only applies if you're going to be teaching while you get your degree (or if you have an outside job for the paycheck), but I was pretty blindsided by what it took to be a full-time student and a half-time instructor. I don't really have good advice beyond "Figure out your time management skills now" and "Don't pour all your energy into one or the other because the one you've neglected WILL come back to bite you in the ass," but even just being aware of how difficult it is going to be would have staved off the initial shock.

Read strategically. Perhaps this is different for someone not in the Humanities, but you will be reading a LOT in grad school. Like, an absolutely stupid amount. There simply will not be time to cover everything from title to footnotes (I know, it hurts), so get comfortable with reading abstracts, chapter summaries, skimming, and otherwise summarizing lengthy works to figure out what you should prioritize. Unless a whole article is assigned for class, figure out what you need from any given text -- or what you think you may need -- and hone in on that. You can always return to read more if you have the time.

SAVE EVERYTHING. Do not delete emails. Get copies of everything even remotely official. Print everything out. Buy yourself a couple of cheap file boxes, stick them under your bed, and keep it all just in case. What kind of things have I unexpectedly needed to dredge up weeks, months, or even years later? The printed paper with hand-written comments to justify a grade I gave. An ancient email from a committee member proving that they did in fact sign off on a certain chapter choice. A copy of the publication forms I signed for a book collection after those got lost on their end (somehow). Seriously, save everything. You'll never know when you may need proof of some communication you've had.

Take naps. That's it. That's the advice. Someone gives you shit for being "lazy" or tries to make you feel bad for "wasting" a sunny afternoon? Make them step on a Lego and then both of you take your nap outside. Naps are beautiful and sacred and life-saving. Just set a good alarm for whenever your next class/meeting is.

Work at making friends. Unlike high school or even college where you'll be spending the day with a core group of people, in graduate school (unless your school is really small) the students are a lot more spread out and there aren't as many built-in opportunities to socialize. So plan to put in more effort at connecting with others because you will want that camaraderie, both for practical help and your sanity. I didn't realize how much more I needed to do to get to know my peers until I was nearly finished my Master's. Luckily, my PhD threw me into an office with seven other grads, so I didn't have a choice about getting to know them lol

You're responsible for your own learning. You've gotten a taste of this in college, but grad school cranks it up to 11. You're an adult (not an "adult" adult like a college student) and you've committed to putting forth 2-7 additional years towards your education. The expectation is that you want to be here and will showcase the necessary effort without outside influence (unless you require accommodations, of course). Be prepared for your instructors to treat you like a peer, both when it comes to the fun stuff - intense debates about your field! - and the responsibilities they expect you to follow through on. In some ways grad school is nothing like college because you are now focused on one subject, you are working collaboratively with people who were once solely authority figures, and 95% of the work will occur outside the classroom via self-teaching. You're a professional now. Still being mentored, but well on your way to that equal standing. The sooner you realize that you are responsible for your own education and future career -- not your teachers, your parents, your BFF, your roommate, etc. -- the better.

Most importantly:

[catboybiologist]

Random actual vent that is probably more venty than my usual random little things, but occasionally I have to step back and think how asinine the salary system for PhD students can sound to people outside of academia. I really just want to like... lay it on the table, because it really is fucking dumb and I occasionally want validation that its fucking dumb.

Note that this is all coming from a traditional lab sciences, in the US perspective. Also, I'm really fucking ADHD and have a really, really shitty brain for bureacracy, so this is a rant and isn't really intended to be informative and might be wrong in places, its just me word vomiting.

Let's start with something straight off the bat- grad school isn't really school. It's work that creates value for the university, and you happen to take one or two courses on the side that the university has determined will make you better at that work (your mileage may vary). It's an entry level job, essentially. You create value for the university in one of two ways- you either contribute to research that gets them grant money, or you teach undergrads that pay tuition. We'll get back to how that affects you later, but first lets talk about something else: what the university claims they pay you vs what you actually get paid.

On paper, my income is approximately 3 times as much as my actual, take home income. There's two reasons for this. The first is that I am technically charged tuition by the central university, which is then immediately paid off by the source of my income. In official job titles, that's technically included in what you're getting paid, although most universities don't even bother advertising that. The other confounding factor is that you're literally always considered part time. The exact % time varies depending on your exact schedule, and of course your university, but its actually weirdly consistent even between universities. Technically, the work you do on your thesis isn't "work", and the university doesn't technically pay you to do it. Even though the work you do on your thesis literally generates revenue for the university in the form of grant overhead. But we'll get to that. If you're a researcher for a given appointment term, you're expected to also do research activities that are unconnected to your thesis- which is ridiculous, because there's no lab in existence where the work isn't all interconnected in some way.

Half time appointments are common, but lots of different percentages exist.

So, if you ever see a figure that says that a grad student position is paid at about $80k a year, that's whats going on. The highest take-home income I have EVER heard of in the US for PhD students is $54k, at Stanford neuroscience. I think its a bit higher now, but that at least gets you a ballpark. Most STEM PhD students on the high cost of living coasts are paid 30-40k ish, and in cheaper areas you can expect to take 5k off of that. These are for degrees that usually make six figures on the job market.

And then there's the other convoluted problem- the source of the funding. This is where the academia salary model really has a unique brand.

Basically, when you're a PhD student, you're not working one job for the full 5-7 years. You're constantly flipping between job titles within the university, and who exactly is paying you changes as a result.

The most basic distinction is researcher vs teaching assistant. TA is easy- you work "part time" (but oh my god those workloads are not part time sometimes [although the class I'm TAing now is very chill so its w/e][fuck you molecular genetics at my master's uni tho]), and the department you're teaching for pays for your tuition and your salary as a result.

Researcher is a bit weirder. Basically, each lab is conducted as its own independent financial unit, managed by a Principle Investigator (PI, or to any grad student, the professor/boss/research advisor/liege/monarch/authority of the lab). The PI is constantly writing lab wide grants to supply the core funding of the lab, including the salary of the grad students. Grants can be pretty general, but there are also very specific ones that check in how the money is being spent. These include training grants/fellowships/tbh the name is arbitrary for a lot of these. Those are grants that are written to supply the salary of a specific grad student.

Couple things to note- the university charges the PI in a lot of ways on this. Notably:

They charge tuition on every grad student, as mentioned previously, which under a researcher appointment is paid from the PI to the university.

They charge overhead on grants- basically, they take money out of every grant the PI gets.

If the previous two sources aren't enough, oftentimes universities will pay rent on the amount of building space a lab takes up (although this is very inconsistent between universities)

Researcher appointments are considered favorable to teaching appointments, because they mean you can spend more of your time on your thesis. But, its dependent on whether your PI has the funding to pay you all that, which is a big if. So, every quarter or semester or year or however much your university decides to renegotiate it, you essentially switch jobs, in a way. Obviously its a lot more simple and streamlined than actually switching jobs, but your title, responsibility, source of income, and sometimes your actual pay changes constantly.

And to anyone who has been through a PhD, you're nodding along like this is all the basic stuff, because all this is so NORMAL. Like this is all the normal system, and this is the bare basics of it as well. And it's weird that it's normal, right? Like, most of my career has been tied to academia, so I don't have a fantastic benchmark for this, but this isn't how it works outside of academia like... at all.

Over the course of late last year and bleeding into this year, multiple graduate student unions have had strikes or negotiations regarding pay scale, but its been a very difficult situation for the average grad student to untangle because of how weird the source of pay is. Because technically, even though you functionally work a single, salaried job with slightly changing obligations, what's happening behind the scenes is that you're essentially hopping between jobs every couple of months. In an ideal system, those jobs always have the same pay, but that's increasingly becoming not the case. Sometimes that means getting paid more overall, sometimes slightly less. Union negotiations have made this pay slightly higher overall, but its still a mess of a system.

And obviously, there's paperwork associated with so many of these steps.

So in my last post, when I said "getting a grant", that was what I was referring to- applying for training grants that will guarantee that I don't have to teach extra or get extra money from my PI for the time I'm here. I'd love to get more teaching experience, but ofc I want to do it when I want to, not when I have to. I'm applying for multiple training grants over the next couple of months that will hopefully fund my salary specifically, and hopefully I'll get at least one of them. And tbh, I don't even care that much about teaching, I more want them because it'll dramatically simplify all this for me.

I love what I do to death, but untangling this shit is what gives me imposter syndrome more than anything. I think my arrogant streak shows when I can genuinely say that I've never felt imposter syndrome based on my scientific knowledge. I have felt it over two things- my motivation/productivity (which is a different rant entirely), and the fact that I am really, really bad at untangling the level of bureaucracy required to just... exist here. Just give me my fucking paycheck and let me do my science, and tell me when you want me to teach.

[cowgurrrl]

yay you‘re an aries, too 💕

ugh i‘ve gotta write my term paper and i‘m sooo annoyed because i really hate one of the the authors whose work i‘m analyzing (it‘s about 16th century art literature) but i gotta do it because i‘m only two assignments away from my masters thesis and i‘m sooo exhausted ;_;

okay sorry for the rant. i was just wondering if maybeee you‘d like to write a cute lil’ drabble or hc about joel supporting a reader that’s struggling with their assignment for uni? >_<

anyhow, love you & your writing. keep up the good work & take care of yourself 💕

Congratulations on your master’s thesis!! You’re going to do amazing things! I took this in a little more of preoutbreak!Joel hc so I hope you enjoy 💓

Joel as your study buddy headcanons

Pairing: preoutbreak!Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author’s note: the lovely Joel “fractions” Miller gif is by @loregifs also I am slowly working through requests!! Thank you for sending me so many fun ones! 🫶

Warnings: school stress, fluff!!

I don’t think Joel would’ve gone to college and if he did, I don’t think he would’ve finished it out because of Sarah but when he meets you while you’re in the midst of your grad courses, he’s in awe of your work ethic and determination

He likes to look over your shoulder when you're transcribing notes or reading for class

Definitely would stop by campus to have lunch with you if he had a job nearby

One time Sarah had an early release day on the same day Joel had a rural site forty five minutes away so you picked her up and had to take her to lecture with you

She loved every minute of it. She liked roaming the campus and listening to your professor, even if she didn’t fully understand what she was talking about, and asked you a million different questions about college

Will literally listen to you ramble about the newest thing you’re learning because he likes seeing you get so excited/engaged

When finals roll around, he’s not quite sure what he can do to help the blanket-covered, ink-stained, stressed heap of grad student in his living room but he’ll occasionally walk by and kiss your temple, saying praises into your skin

“You’re so smart.” “You can do this.” “D’you need anything?” “You’re gonna do great.” “I love you.”

He’d definitely be the type of guy who would cut up fruit and wordlessly leave it on the table in front of you with a glass of water

When you’re crying because of the stress, deadlines, readings, he’s always there to soothe your anxiety and offer you a break

Sometimes you two will sit and watch some mindless reality show or talk to Sarah about her day or go for a drive, pointing out the wildflowers on the side of the highway. He’ll do anything to get your mind to reset so you can come back to your studying

He’d help you run through your flashcards so you can study but not before trying to make a stripping game out of it

“Joel, I need to pass!” “That’s why it’s effective!”

When you eventually do pass all your finals, he takes you and Sarah out to dinner and tells the waiter about how smart his girlfriend is when the poor guy asks if you’re celebrating anything

Joel takes any opportunity to gush about you

When you graduate, he makes the BIGGEST DEAL

He’s the loudest person at graduation and showers you with flowers, kisses, and attention. You and Sarah just laugh at his theatrics but love him for it anyways

He would definitely splurge and buy you the nice frame for your diploma and you very quickly tell him he doesn’t have to because they’re so expensive but he just kisses you to shut you up

“I wanted to. ‘M proud of you and I want everyone to know,” he mumbles against you. “Besides, when you make me a trophy husband, it’ll balance out.”

[swords-in-space]

You once mentioned you have a thesis about fanfiction as a genre of literature and its value to genre fiction. I reallyyyyy would like to read your thesis. If that's okay for you

okay so i don't actually have a thesis about it. like, i think about the topic a lot but writing a thesis would require a lot of research and interviews and compiling information and i am far too adhd to do that on my own, and i'm not going to grad school anytime soon to have an excuse to do it

however

some thoughts include:

-genre fiction can be (often is, arguably) a metaphor for current cultural fears. the popular tropes in sci fi particularly and fantasy to a lesser extent are often a reflection on current global events. (well, i say current. usually it's about 3-5 years behind due to the nature of, yah know, writing and publishing a book.) this ties into the first point too, a little, because genre fiction allows the author and reader to put some space between you and the fear/trauma/event -- you're not actually reading a story about someone who could be alive right now and suffering, you're reading about a guy with a name straight from Fantasy Name Generator and his life in the post-apocalyptic future. we can confront our fears about nuclear war and censorship while we read about a dude named Guy who burns books for a living. then -- to pick a non-random example -- how many fics have been written in the last several years that are sickfics, zombie aus, or just straight up about quarantines and isolation?

-fanfiction is already a massive part of genre fiction. just because it's licensed doesn't make it less fanfiction -- i dare you to go into your local bookstore, find the sci-fi/fantasy section, and take a look at how much of it is taken up by star wars, star trek, warhammer, dungeons and dragons. how many video games have licensed novelizations, how many popular movies. i was a bookseller for 6 years, i can tell you that easily a quarter to a third of the section is just this. so then the question is -- how is that functionally different from fanfic on ao3 or whatever other site you frequent? just because they have an editor and a publishing contract doesn't mean they can't also be writing fanfic. i know several published authors here on tumblr that i've found through their ao3 pages

-how many times do you see posts talking about people using fanfic as a way to process trauma? the posts are usually explaining away dead dove fics, but i was a child with a library card and no oversight in what i read and i have to say i've never come across a dead dove fic that broaches a topic that i've not also seen in an obscure fantasy novel

-all art is worthwhile and all art means something to someone. all art has the ability to be beautiful and moving, and you cannot gatekeep what will be to someone. i've cried reading fanfic before, i'm sure you have too. sometimes it's even mostly smut and it's still emotionally moving. i think we do a HUGE disservice to those authors who have touched us if we say that what they're writing is somehow lesser than just because they're writing naruto tentacle porn or whatever the fuck

-Wattpad is owned by HarperCollins. the company takes a look at the most popular fics on that site and offers publishing contracts. this isn't hearsay, i was literally told by a HarperCollins rep while i was at a work dinner with them. it's how the After series was published, to name the most famous example. if you look in YA and romance, you'll spot more than a few "Wattpad originals" too. if publishing houses think that fanfic has enough value to be financially beneficial to them, then we can't sit here and say it's not culturally or emotionally or thematically valuable. if someone is making money off it, then it has influence whether we like it or not

-Fifty Shades of Grey is infamous at this point. we can't deny that it's had a huge influence on the romance genre -- there are so many books being published today that are fanfic with the serial numbers filed off, and more that are from well-known fanfic authors who have an existing fanbase. it seems to be more and more, too, that if an author wants to publish an original romance novel, to have a loyal readership already is a huge point in their favour to win a publishing contract. this is less about fanfiction specifically a genre of literature and more about the influence it has within the publishing sphere already

-so: what makes a genre? they have specific tropes, sometimes unique to the genre, they have specific structures and themes. genre is hard to define, too, because the lines are so often blurred -- what makes The Woman in the Window, for instance, be shelved in general fiction instead of mystery. (the answer is usually "the publisher thinks it will sell better there.") so what do "legitimate" genres have that fanfiction doesn't? i've debated this point with my gf before, and she was on the side of "fanfiction is a type of fiction, mostly serial fiction, and encompasses a variety of genres" and i was on the side of "fanfiction is a specific genre unto itself". we never came to a conclusion, and i think that there's merit to both arguments -- my point here is that this is one of the things that would require a lot of research to make a compelling argument, and i don't have that research (yet. there's always hope.)

-there's historical basis for fanfiction too. for all that the term is a modern one, and fan culture as it is today being born out of women's star trek writing circles and the internet, people have been writing derivative works for centuries. what is Milton's Paradise Lost (and Paradise Found) but Bible fanfic. what is Dante's Inferno but self-insert rpf. what is Virgil's Aeneid but a historical au of the founding of Rome

anyway! there's probably more thing that i haven't mentioned and will wake me up at 3am, but this is long as it is

[13uswntimagines]

Sorry if I'm being nosy but what is a PhD qualifying exam?

So every institution does is differently.

At my university, you take it during your second year. I have to write a proposal about what I want my thesis work to be, more specifically the aims I want to answer. I’ll present this proposal to my committee, defend it, and answer questions about it and other general knowledge things.

So my proposal is focused on neuron migration, so I have to know literally everything about it, the techniques I want to use and the genes that I discuss. It’s a lot of information, and the committee’s goal is to find the limits of my knowledge. If I do well, I pass and “qualify” to work on my dissertation. If I don’t well, I won’t be in grad school anymore.

[glamorouspixels]

I'm really sorry but I need to make a post about uni again. This is only the third week of the semester and I'm struggling so much I can't even articulate it, I'm in constant physical pain from being so stressed and miserable and I have no fucking clue how I'm supposed to survive this until February. I'm only taking three classes, but they're grad school classes and I also need to write my BA thesis and pass the second of my final oral exams this semester. The classes have been so much work even though three is only a tiny fraction of how many you're supposed to take in a semester. They're taking up all my time, which means I have no time left to work on my thesis and I feel like I can't anyway because everything I have so far is shit, but I have no energy to fix it let alone write the rest because I burned myself out during the lecture-free period. All because we officially have six weeks to do research, read all your texts, and write the thirty pages that make up the thesis. Which is completely and utterly impossible if you have a job on the side or have literally any other responsibilities, not to mention if you're disabled, so I've been preparing for it in advance and making my burnout worse in the process. I haven't slept properly in over a month because I hate uni so fucking much that I experience debilitating dread for at least a few weeks every semester before classes even start. I'm one negative emotion away from breaking down at all times and I do cry every night and sometimes more often than that. I don't want to do a master's degree but I genuinely do not have a choice and I can already tell it's going to be even worse than my undergrad. I just want to drop all of my classes and focus on the thesis but if I do I won't ever make it through grad school (twenty classes, ten papers, two big oral exams, and an 85-page thesis, all of which you're supposed to complete within two years). I don't know what to do, and I'm also really struggling with something else on top of that (if anyone would ever be willing to be rambled at about said thing, I would appreciate it so much). I know how devastating the consequences of a burnout can be when you're neurodivergent so I know it's absolutely crucial that I fix the situation somehow, but if I drop my classes now it'll just make things worse for me in the long run.

[excelsior9173]

anyone want to write an apa formatted term paper on why retirement is not detrimental to the health of older adults for me 🥺

this is literally the last assignment i need to do before graduating. and it is kicking my ass why can’t i do this?

i have like two sentences written. i want this paper to be at least 4 pages (not including my title and reference pages. our max page limit is 15. it’s fucked) but i genuinely don’t know if i can get it that long. i’m so tired of writing and researching. i am not doing a thesis in grad school! i don’t want to be a researcher!! this class is killing me 😭

but also i only have one week. one more week and i will never have to think about working for a bachelor degree again

[zet-zets-blog]

Spring 2023- one of the darkest periods of my life. Why didn't anyone warn me of how much of a rollercoaster ride entering your 30s would be?! This was also my last semester in grad school. I did a very expensive and not really worth it (tbh) urban planning degree from Columbia- a university that truly sucks the life out of you. I am describing that feeling here as: imagine yourself living in an ongoing gentrified neighborhood that's OVER policed, a food desert with alot of New York transplants that also happen to be very wealthy and have huge egos. YEAH- that was the start of my 2023.

Broke off my engagement because my ex partner had the audacity to ask me for an open relationship BEFORE our wedding this year?! AND HOOKED UP WITH MY BEST FRIEND IN GRAD SCHOOL literally after a couple of days of us being broken up?! Him and this ex bestfriend were there during the funeral I held for my sister. Sooo, Yeah no...

Ended up starting the year with a broken heart, that's still grieving their sister's death WHILE ALSO writing a thesis so I can graduate my grad program! I honestly cannot emphasize how stacked life felt like during the beginning months of this year. I was in a really REALLY dark place, and its interesting too because these were the moments where I learned SO MUCH about myself and just life and love in general.

Grief has a way of asking you your whys. Why are you living here? Why are you in grad school? Why columbia? What are you doing with your life? Are you even happy? Is that prestige really worth it? What ARE your values and are you living by them? Do you like yourself? What do you truly want? What is life? Like seriously, what is life? Its as if, you had to answer every question all at once or else you just fall in an eternal abyss.

And yet, the journey of grief is SO WORTH IT. The amount of peace you find at the end of that dark dark tunnel is euphoric- A NATURAL HIGH.

Hello dear readers (well whoever you may be!)

My name is Zet, I'm a storyteller that's currently living the 3rd decade of her life in this charming neighborhood called Sunset Park. I LOVE IT HERE! After being surrounded by ivy league kids and out of touch professors I have officially got myself out of the hellhole that is Manhattanville. I'm living in a majority immigrant enclave now, where I can wheel my granny cart to TONS of ethnic grocery stores! I live in this prewar apartment building, where I will need to climb three flights of stairs everyday. Finally living a life where I am completely... alone. I've also become that JOMO (joy of missing out) Tita- I just like smoking with friends at my fire escape, I schedule 10-year plan video-call hangouts with friends that live in other cities. At 30, I am WAAY more reflective, chill and genuinely content with how life feels and looks like right now. <3 It's funny how much can change in just a year. How much CAN HAPPEN within a year. How your life can completely turn a 180, be at your lowest point where you truly let the darkness take over you to a period in your life where you're seeing the magic in life's everyday.

If you would've asked me when I was 16 if I see myself living in this CONCRETE JUNGLE new york city, living alone in a 1 bed apt. , and still pursuing my writing? I would laugh so much and might also tell you to pray for me. Yeah, how can this Palayog girl live a life just like in the romcom movies and tv shows that she grew up watching? It's WIILD! I think I really did underestimate myself back then. You see, I've always felt like I was just existing since I was four. Life has always felt so random and too dramatic that I had convinced myself that I am in just a VERY LONG life simulation. Yet, here I am, existing and thriving, surrounded by so much love and genuine friendships. <3 Still living a full life, working for that true post-colonial world that's driven by community care.

[the-one-who-lambs]

So, it's been a year...

...since I wrote and posted my first Cult of the Lamb fanfic on AO3. I know I probably say this kind of thing a lot and I'm almost sorry if it's annoying (not really), but I'm so so so glad to have stayed so active in this fandom. Just for old time's sake I reread my first CotL fic, Present, and... Wow. GOD, I've improved a lot. (Gritting my teeth to put a positive spin on this instead of cringing at it. Benicetoyourselfbenicetoyourselfbenicetoy--)

Thanks for all your support. I really am thankful for everyone who's stopped by my stories and left kudos and comments. I write because I enjoy it, but having such a supportive community makes it so much more fun! More than 7000 kudos and 75 THOUSAND reads on my work????? I literally cannot comprehend that. Absolutely bonkers. Where are you people COMING FROM. And it makes me so excited to know I've made y'all almost as happy as I've been while I write and see how I can challenge myself next. I've made friends because I kept going, and I've been told that other people have become friends over my works too which makes me want to cry for real. There are so many talented creatives in this fandom and I'm so grateful y'all have welcomed me wholeheartedly. I hope all of you have had the same experience too.

Over this past year, I've totaled... Uh... More than 150,000 words. Somehow, my most productive year for creative writing ever so far coincided with my first year of grad school. I doubt I'll be able to keep THAT word count up a second year, because I've just started writing my master's thesis and that'll probably take a lot of my writing brainpower. But, creative hobbies such as this give me energy, so you can definitely expect more stories from me this year, too.

There's no point to this post other than me spinning in circles about how excited I am that I've stuck around this long and how stunned and thankful I am that I've received so much support.

................................I'll probably edit this later.

[shepherds-of-haven]

Hi Lena! I was wondering, which of the characters are most popular among your friends/family who have played shoh?

Hi anon, you might find this a bit weird, but I have never shown ShoH to any of my friends or family--they all know I'm working on a game, but I won't tell them what the name is or anything about it! 🥹😂 This is my modus operandi as an author and has been since I was young... I'm an extremely solitary writer, to the point where my professors and thesis directors would comment on it: even when I was in grad school, they knew I just sort of put my head down and did my own thing once left to my own devices, and that's when I do my best work! My creative process just tends to be really introverted and independent: I know what I want to accomplish and, while feedback always cheers and motivates me, I don't feel inclined to share with my non-writer loved ones until the whole thing is done! Even my editor and agent are aware that I don't talk about or share snippets of in-progress stuff; they just get the whole behemoth in its finished form at the end, or they get nothing! 🤣

So I don't talk about what I'm working on or show it to anybody in my offline social circle until it's completely finished and published! I can't explain exactly why, but I hate talking about my work or am very shy when it's the main topic of discussion (except in workshop/class/professional settings), especially when it comes to friends and family--even though they are beyond supportive, loving, and encouraging! It's a me thing, not them. So I avoid sharing it at all costs until it's done, set in stone, polished to its best form, and there's nothing to influence/change/doubt anymore because it's out there and pretty much out of my hands! (For example, I don't think I could write Chase or Tallys's thirst trap FWB routes as freely if I think there's even a chance of, like, my little sister or something reading along as I write it, so I just treat them as completely separate, divorced worlds and do whatever I want with total freedom until it's too late to worry about it!) It's worked out so far!

The only one who really knows about Shepherds is my partner, but he hasn't read beyond the Prologue because he always gets stuck reading the first chapter of something and then having to wait literal years on the edge of his seat until I'm done with the whole thing (this is happening with my current novel, too); because I always want to see his reactions to the final product rather than being "spoiled" while it's a WIP! But that means he gets teased with a really tantalizing beginning and then has to wait on agonized tenterhooks until I decide to end the torment. 😃 The only exception was when I was writing We Have Always Been Here: after several months of writer's block and tearing my hair out over it (and before I'd gotten my agent or editor), I finally caved and asked him to read what I had, we hashed it out, and I had an epiphany and completely burned that draft to the ground and started over. (Its main premise was fundamentally flawed, hence the writer's block: if you've read WHABH, you'll be interested/similarly mortified to know that the first version had aliens in it.) Then he read the new manuscript before I submitted it to my agent, and then read the book again when it came out, so in the end he had read three versions of the same story by the time it was published. So there were no surprises left for him, which wasn't as fun for me! He was thrilled to do it, but I wanted to see his awe and excitement and 'wow!' reactions when I was finally finished and proud of the final product, not when I was in the weeds with a draft I was ultimately going to slaughter anyway. 😂 So for Shepherds and everything else moving forward, I'm not letting him read anything until it's done!

We have joked here and there about livestreaming his reactions when he finally gets to read the whole thing for the first time, because I just know he's going to be shook and his reactions are always the best 🤣 I've kept all the big story details quiet to really get the most out of his patience, so he will be going in pretty much completely blind... All he really knows is that Blade's stock was initially the highest among fans, and his character went 👀 when meeting Tallys for the first time, but I truly don't know what else will happen with him beyond that... I'll be sure to keep a log when that time comes, if people are as curious as me!

Thanks for your question!

[grimmywrites]

10 Things About Me

I was tagged by the talented @patiently-burning. I’m happy to welcome you to the Ghostsoap brainrot, especially with @valiants amazing art. My favorite Ghostsoap artist! Their work makes me feral; I’d kill for them -- or at least write for them. Below for random facts about me!

1.) I double majored in Archaeology and Creative Writing in college. I idolized Lara Croft and Indiana Jones and then, luckily, fell in love with the *actual* science of archaeology and Roman history so I’ve managed to stick with it. 2.) I’ve lived on and off in Italy (semesters where I taught abroad) since 2017; and a couple times before that for my own study abroad program and archaeological digs/dives. 3.) I’m a runner! I usually run an hour, but sometimes I run up to 9 miles a morning not only to stay in shape but as meditation. I listen to audiobooks while I do it!

4.) I worked as a dog bather for a couple years to get money to go to grad school and then in a dog ‘boutique’ because I love dogs so much. I love all animals, dogs just happen to be my favorite.

5.) I’m a huge Resident Evil fan. I’ve been playing the games since they first came out (I was a little kid and had no clue what I was doing lol). I can literally rant on and on about the lore and timeline; og re4 and re2 are the best but I love the remakes and all the new fans!

6.) I’ve been published for scholarly writing, but it’s my dream to write fiction, primarily historical fiction.

7.) I’m an oddball who likes nerdy things *and* sports - I played varsity softball in high school and I’m still on an adult co rec team!

8.) I stopped writing fanfiction for a couple years while working on my thesis for grad school. I started writing again for Nellis because I reread some of my old stuff and wondered why I ever stopped with these characters. Writing them feels like slipping on my most comfortable shoes or a favorite shirt. After I read that stuff I got metaphorically slapped upside the head with the idea for Retread (the ending in particular)... and let’s just say it’s grown a lot from what I had envisioned; but I’m a gardener writer, so that makes sense.

9.) Besides RE, my favorite game in the world is an obscure RPG called Shadow Hearts. It’s a Lovecraftian horror game set in China and Europe just before WW1 breaks out - it deals with horror, the occult, and some zany characters. I cry every time I play it and its sequel (Shadow Hearts: Covenant). Most people like the second game better, but I find the first one to be creepier, have better music, and the characters are more interesting. The sequel IS a good game, though.

10.) I secretly wish I had more time! I often feel guilty because I’m more of a writer in fandom than a reader because I’m so busy with life smacking me every which way. I also wish I could output more, but alas, we can only do our best, right?

Thanks so much for tagging me! I’m not apologizing for the love of Soap or Ghost. That was a well written campaign! I’m going to tag more than one person: @peculiarreality-main and @ohlookapan!

[thefloorisbalaclava]

Hey just seen your post about your writing. I write a lot for theatre and tv and honestly I've been in that creatively drained boat.

This could be helpful to you, or not but, what I found helped me was, firstly putting no judgement or pressure on myself to create anything. I took a little time away and found other creative things I loved that wasn't writing. I literally kinda used that as a justification to buy a lot of Mandalo and Star Wars Lego. But making that was fun and creative and so low pressure. Just doing fun activities, just for myself.

And then after a bit ideas started popping into my head, but I still didn't write anything for a bit, until one day I like HAD to write this idea I had and I felt like I was back in the creative zone (this could have been zero help to you)

But creativity isn't a constant flow, and that's totally fine.

But please be kind to yourself with how you are feeling

I really appreciate this. It is almost exactly what another friend told me about backing away from writing for a while and finding something else to fill that space for now. I know deep down I won't be able to leave writing for good but it's been bringing me down lately and becoming very toxic for me and my mental health. I need to focus on other things right now. Happy things like graduating from grad school and having my professor tell me that he's officially sent my thesis to the dean to be signed and getting a new job that starts in August. I just need time for myself. I just need time to explore other things until the joy of writing comes back to me. I need to learn to be kinder to myself and I will. I just need time.

Thank you for this!