#literally every day for 3 weeks I've been talking about the lunch I planned to have today

[emometalhead]

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[astrxsee]

FALSE GOD chap. 3

(chap 1) (chap 2) (chap 3)

percy jackson x child of demeter!oc

𝑰𝑵 𝑾𝑯𝑰𝑪𝑯 Rose St. Claire sets off on a quest to save the goddess in chains.

𝑶𝑹

𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑪𝒀 𝑱𝑨𝑪𝑲𝑺𝑶𝑵 learns to see what is right in front of him.

!CONTENT WARNING! gore, romance, swearing, blood, heavy themes

OMG ITS HAPPENING STAY CALM!! LITERALLY SO EXITED FOR THIS. i love you all and i really really really hope you like this

Whoever's idea it was to send us here, should rot in hell. I plop down onto my designated cot, the poles poking at me through the bottom. My eyes scan around the dull room, the darkness of the interior instantly ruining my mood. Dark green cots were lined up in rows along the edge of the room, with the students things stashed neatly below their respective bed. With nothing on the walls and only one tiny window, it was a dreary place.

I sigh, my head tilted to the side as I glance over at Bianca. Her dark curly hair fell off the back of the lame excuse for a bed. Dark brown eyes scanned the pages of some fantasy novel she held in front of her face. Her dark Westover Hall uniform thrown haphazardly on, with wrinkles lining the button down shirt.

"You know, if you keep your nose in a book all day, you'll fall behind in your classes." I jokingly poke at her, a slight laugh following my words. Her eyes begrudgingly move away from her book to look at me.

"Rose, you have absolutely no room to talk," She snarks back, "You've already fallen behind and we've only been here for three weeks!"

I roll my eyes at her, as I dramatically fall back into my cot. I huff and throw my hands in the air, "I mean, can you blame me?"

She seems to consider my words, "No, not really." Setting the book down on the ground next to her and rolls over to face me, her eyebrows furrowing in concern.

"Like, we were literally living in a casino where times was fucked up and now we're living in the future?" I say incredulously as my sentences quickly turn into ranting. "It's 2007 for crying out loud! The last year I remember being in was fucking 1976, and don't even get me started on y'all! Bianca, there has to be something wrong with us to be stuck in this shit show."

She lets out a small giggle, my ranting not even phasing her. After three weeks of hearing it, I doubt she even pays attention anymore.

"I know this is all so confusing and weird, but there will be an answer. But for now, let it be." Bianca giggles. I groan, catching onto her reference. I crack a smile, her corny play on the Beatles' classic easing my anger.

"Bi, I love showing you my music, but never say that again."

She laughs again and gives a mocking sort of salute before turning back to her book. I stand up from my makeshift bed, smoothing the wrinkles out of my own uniform. I lazily make my way over to the bathroom, wanting to freshen up before Bianca and I went to grab lunch.

The other girls in the dorm were all out making last minute plans for tonight, the annual school dance. As the only little sliver of fun they allow us, the dance is a big deal. All I heard about for the last couple of days was who asked who and who dumped who, blah blah blah. Dances back in the 70s were my favorite thing. I always met up with some of my friends and spent the whole night dancing to our favorite bands. But, to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to tonight's dance.

The last three weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Confusion and unanswered questions clouded my mind every waking second. Weird things that I can't begin to explain happen almost every day. Like the horse with wings I saw on the quad a couple days ago. It seems like I was put on an alien planet.

I feel lost. Memories of my home and my past come back to me like puzzle pieces. Bits and pieces of the same memory keep coming back, screaming at me to put them together. I've seen flashes of a large creature; a larger than life lion with wings and a scorpion tail. A monster you can only find in fantasy books, like the ones Bianca reads. Other flashes of a man, tall and burly with a gruff beard, haunt my dreams. His screams echo around in my head every moment of the day.

The one vision I can see most clearly is vines quickly crawling up the legs and arms of the unknown creature. Vines quickly take over the creatures body as I hear it begin to bellow out, and that's when it suddenly stops. Every night since I left that godforsaken casino, Ive had this eerie dream. I have no idea what it could mean or if it's even real, but I couldn't stop the constant nervousness I felt. My anxiety was at an all time high with the feeling of somebody watching me nagging me every second of the day.

I take a deep breath as I look into the mirror, my mind racing. I lean on the counter to take in my appearance, God was I a wreck. My blonde hair looked greasy and unkempt, the stress of the past couple weeks taking a toll on my body. My green eyes had deep bags underneath them, the usual luster gone. Now they just looked empty and sad. I sigh as I look away, not able to take in the sight of me right now. It's nothing that a shower won't fix, I decide.

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

I could feel the excitement in the air as everyone made their way to the dance. Giddy laughter rose up from the girls who finally got to put on their nice dresses. Dark blue streamers lined the entrance to the gym as throngs of students made their way into the gym. On the inside of the dance, there were lights and lasers pointing every which way.

I smooth out the wrinkles in my flowy dress. It was orange and pink and ended right above my knees, it is some of the only clothes I still have with me from home. I didn't miss the mean remarks made from students about how I looked straight out of Dazed and Confused.

Our new friend, Grover, came with us to the dance as well. He asked if he could tag along with us as he doesn't have many other friends. Grover joined Westover Hall only a week after Bianca, Nico, and I joined. With us being all new, it was only right for us to become friends.

"Woah! Isn't this cool! I've never been to a dance before." Grover exclaims wistfully as we walk into the gym. I giggle as he looks around like a kid in a candy store.

"You've never been to a dance before?" I ask, a teasing lilt to my voice. My eyes scan the room, trying to ease into the overwhelming atmosphere that comes with dances.

"Nope, I've only ever gone to boring schools." I scoff and give him a look.

"Grover, this is the definition of a boring school."

"I don't know. I'd say this is pretty fun." He exclaims as everyone begins to dance along to the music. I roll my eyes at his antics, starting to make my way over to the bleachers. I quickly feel Grover wrap his hands around my wrist and pull me out onto the dance floor.

"Grover!" I exclaim, my eyes wide. "What are you doing? I don't want to dance."

"Come on! Have fun!" He smiles, letting go of my wrist gently. I stand awkwardly in front of him, not knowing what to do. My eyes dart around the gym hoping nobody was looking, until I realized everyone was in their own world enjoying this small night of freedom.

The next thing I know Grover has Bianca and I dancing to songs I've never even heard of. We were talking and dancing as if we were in some movie. Grover excuses himself to go get a drink, leaving Bianca and I alone on the dance floor. We giggle as we spot Nico alone on the bleachers.

"Nico! What are you doing? Shouldn't you be dancing?" I tease him, as we walk up to his spot on the lower level.

"No!" He quickly exclaims, "I hate dancing. I don't even like this mu-"

"Children, would you please come with me. There is something we need to discuss." A gruff voice cuts Nico off, instantly filling my body with chills. Dr Thorn. What could he even want? Isn't this supposed to be our night of fun?

I roll my eyes before reluctantly nodding, he is the vice principal after all. I notice a nervous aura around the man, his eyes glancing around the gym and suddenly stopping to stare at a boy dancing. I look back to Dr. Thorn as he became more noticeably angry. My eyebrows furrow in confusion as he quickly orders us to follow him.

My eyes land on the boy on the dance floor. He seemed to be having fun, I don't know why Dr Thorn seemed to be wary of him. The raven haired boy peered over at me, our eyes quickly meeting. I slow down as his blue eyes seem to put me in a daze, he sends me a sheepish smile before looking away. His eyes seemed to be looking around in panic. Bianca quickly grabs my hand and tows me along behind her and Dr Thorn.

"Rose, come on." Bianca's chides.

We quickly follow Dr Thorn outside, the cold breeze biting at my nose. I wrap my arms around myself as I subconsciously take a step closer to Bianca. The pit of my stomach begins to turn, like something bad was about to happen.

As we make it about a football field away from the edge of the cliff Westover Hall was perched on, my gaze falls onto my shoes. I begin touching the tips of my fingers together, something I do when I'm nervous. Bianca's shriek of horror quickly draws me out of my anxious state.

My eyes go wide as Dr Thorn begins growing bigger and his hands grow into giant paws with claws like knives. His off putting face morphs into a giant lion's head and from his back grows two giant gargoyle-like wings. I let out a guttural scream as I quickly try to get away from the creature, scurrying back in the wet snow.

He lets out a deep, evil laugh. His wings spreading out to his full span, casting a darkness over my friends and I. My breathing becomes quick and shallow as I desperately try to get away from Dr. Thorn. Was he even Dr. Thorn anymore?

I scramble backwards, as my eyes dart around the vast field next to the school. The raven haired boy from the dance comes running around the corner, out into the freezing wind. My eyes grow wide as he uncaps a regular pen and it instantly turns into a long, bronze sword. What the actual fuck was happening?

Why was the monster in my dreams right in front of me? Was it even a dream? I fall to my knees as I turn back around to face the monster. He laughs, an evil grin spreading across his face. His giant maw opens to speak.

“Rose St. Claire, so nice to see you again.”

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

taglist: @cxcilla

[sketchystalker]

Okay. This is going to be the semester that kills me

First up, my literary criticism class has an essay due every. single. class. And hey it's a class that starts at 1:30, so plenty of time to do it in the morning, right? Nope! Due at midnight the night before. So I have to fully understand these complex texts talking about things that already go over my head enough to write a paper about it and somehow get it done way before the normal time I'd get it done at (because I am a big homework after midnight do-er). I have like zero time this weekend (because hey, it's my birthday and it's the first week of classes so you'd think I'd be able to have some time off) and my professor decided to add on a 25-30 minute video lecture to the assigned Plato reading (due with an essay Monday at midnight) that she already advised us to start two days ago, and another textbook reading on top of it.

Second, the class I had to beg to get into because my other class dropped last-minute apparently is 8 weeks, and is designed just like an online class, except I have a mandatory in-person lecture twice a week at 8:30 AM. I literally could have just taken the online class and saved time probably. It'll be nice I guess when it's term two and I don't have 17 credits going but it's going to be so much to balance initially.

Third, my grantwriting practicum. It's only three credits, but I'm spending 6 hours in the lab every week working on it because they want us to do all of our work in the lab. But I am such a slow writer that I know I'm going to have to do work outside of that time too. And the issue is that I don't get to use that time to prioritize something that may be more important at the moment, I'm stuck writing grants on all three of my most busiest days (which are right next to each other, giving me little time to do any homework for the classes that meet Tuesday/Thursday. And guess when my lit crit class meets? My Tuesday/Thursdays are literally 8:30 AM-5 PM with only an hour off for lunch. And then I have homework right after).

Fourth, I decided to take a piano class because "oh it'll be fun" and "who knows if you'll have space to take it senior year. Just do it now while you can" and yeah it should be fun, but I'm supposed to practice 30 minutes every day? There's no way. It'd be doable if I had a piano where I lived but I don't so there's no way.

And then my other two classes would be fine and doable if I literally just didn't have lit crit. But they're both English as well, and one is a 3 hour night class meeting on Wednesdays (once again giving me no time to do my Thursday homework), requiring about 150 pages read every week. And the other is variable speech/story/poem/etc. lengths but, knowing this professor, they'll have to be closely annotated. So no skimming for me if I'm short on time.

On top of that I have work, where I am now going to be one of two people among a sea of new hires (and that second person only started like three months ago and apparently makes people really uncomfortable). And I'm in charge of certifying all of them. And until that day happens, like months from now because the process actually takes forever, I and that other guy are the only ones who can give the hour-long tours. So that's 9 hours of my week right now (a majority happening during my Tuesday/Thursdays)

And I'm also the president of a club that I have no idea how to really run. There's so much shit I have to do up-top, like getting certified, making a whole budget that's extremely complicated and I don't know how to do, and start planning and holding meetings, all by a really soon date.

Plus I still have boxes I need to unpack and lists I need to research and send to my mom and apply for studying abroad before September 12th and my oven takes over an hour to pre-heat to 400 degrees which makes cooking anything impossible so I have nothing I can easily make and eat and I still need to confront a professor I've been avoiding and someone wants to interview me and I'm avoiding that email and I'm worried I'm not going to be making enough money this semester because I don't have that many hours and if I don't see my friends I get sad and lose all my motivation to do anything especially schoolwork and I have a stupid fucking 4.0 that I've maintained for this long I literally don't know how to lose it like how do you do an assignment and turn it in that isn't all of your effort ever and how do you know if you miss assignments that you aren't actually going to get a negative 500% grade in the class and I'm trying so hard to have a good semester I need a good semester after last semester I need to stay academically minded and excited to do it but I'm not going to get any exercise which naturally is going to make me sad because moving your body is good for you and feels good and i just don't have time and I said yes to a dnd campaign this semester?????? what the actual hell when i am going to have the time to do that and i want to start reading the illiad right now and i want to watch a movie every week and I think I am actually going to die

[kart0]

August 15th - My 22nd Birthday

Can't say it was a perfect day, or even a good day. It went pretty shitty, as it usually does. Nothing too bad, but small things added up and then I just couldn't hold myself together anymore. I've been dealing with pain in my arms for quite some time now, went to the doctor twice, and now started physical therapy. Haven't been able to draw and had to postpone some commissions which took a toll on me. Can't draw to relax, nor play games, nor cook, nor do literally anything.

My dad got mad at me for a mistake he did.

Tried to bake some cupcakes to give to my friends at uni but everything went wrong, I worked so hard on it, left my wrists burning in pain only to just fail.

My classmates sung happy birthday to me, which would've been nice if we were in a private room, instead of being in class with every single colleague of mine and even the professor. Whom which I highly dislike. It was very embarrassing and I felt weird.

I wanted to walk alone home to wind down but one of my friends insisted on walking together because it was my birthday and I shouldn't be alone, but I really needed some alone time to get myself together.

Couldn't find my favorite comfort ramen ( neoguri ) for weeks and it's been driving me crazy.

I didn't have lunch bc I was stressed with the cupcakes, only to end up deciding not to take them with me, so I was hangry and sad.

Some people I considered dear friends didn't even send me a happy birthday message, and even planned a birthday party to a different friend whose birthday is in a few days.

I was so upset, we went out for dinner and just seeing my dad made me start crying again. I didn't get to enjoy any of the food because I was crying and couldn't taste anything and that made me even more upset. And it was very painful to hold chopsticks so I ended up only having 3 slices of sashimi for dinner.

I couldn't stop crying at all and ended up sobbing for two hours straight, even though I was trying my hardest to stop. I couldn't control myself.

We went to the movies and watched Coraline, and I managed to distract myself and just pay attention to my favourite movie ever.

We got home, cut my cake and talked a bit about silly things and funny stories and that's when I finally felt content.

I think I don't really like celebrating my birthday. I don't like being the center of attention, and I create these high expectations that people will do these crazy things and love me and it'll be fun and amazing and perfect. Which obviously just makes room for disappointment.

I like the day before my birthday, and the day after my birthday, but never my birthday. I always, always get sad.

I do think it's no one's fault, tho. Just unlucky, and a coincidence. But it does make me wonder if I will ever have a good, happy birthday celebration.

Idk, I hope so. I mean, at least one, c'mon.

Anyways, I cried a bit more writing this, but I feel way better. My eyes are super puffy and sore and burning, and I'm just tired. At least I don't have classes tomorrow... I still need to wakeup early for my physiotherapy tho. Anyways. This was definitely a year... Very bad things happened, but also very good things. It balances out.

I'm happier than before and honestly, I think it's been a very long time since I've felt anywhere close to this. I'm glad I'm still here.

Hoping I will have an even greater year next.

[budgetbuildsystem]

I'm just a ball of anxiety right now. So I got a new job cleaning aisle in a wearhouse, pays well and the hours are pretty good. Me and my cousin both work there but she's janitorial.

Needed context: In one building there is a breakroom, a male and female bathroom, and offices that need to be done. Depending on the building, these places get dirty much faster than other buildings. Buildings 2, and 3 are the most trafficked areas. My cousin does buildings 1, 2, and usually 3 and is expected to lap them twice in 8 hours. Today she didn't do 3 at all because the manager and supervisor were going to work on it. The other janitor does building 4 and another area. Which task wise only equates to doing building 2 as both are low traffic areas.

Our manager has given her FAR too much work and has now written her up for not finishing it all. Today 2 people, our manager and our supervisor, worked solely on building 3. Well... it took them 5hours to make 2 laps. Yet my cousin is expected to make 2 laps of 2 buildings in 8 hours? And she works alone often skipping breaks and sometimes her lunch because she get reprimanded for not getting everything done (she often skips tasks in order to move on in a timely manner and has begun writing down minute accurate time stamps for every task she does to prove she physically can't get everything done.) I wasn't feeling good today and told my cousin I may need to take a point and go home.

Well my cousin messages asking where our manager is because she's not responding, I mentioned to my manager who was nearby that someone was trying to contact her and she actually was annoyed when she saw my cousin called (mind you she is awful at responding in a timely manner. Everyone struggles to contact her during the day.) . And rather than just responding told me to tell my cousin if she needs the manager she can come to building 3. I was already anxious because I could see and feel the annoyance. And I literally heard her talking crap about my cousin to the supervisor.

Well after that break I finally got sick and lost my breakfast. I let my manager know I needed to head home and her whole demeanor felt annoyed and pissed off. Her face just screamed annoyed despite her words being kind. Well I've been home a while now, still struggling with the anxiety and had told my cousin everything. Well my cousin texted a but ago saying there was a bit of an argument about their work load and our manager tried to compare buildings 1, 2, and 3 to doing 4 and the other area. MIND YOU HER AND ONE OTHER PERSON TOOK 5 HOURS TO LAP 1 BUILDING TWICE. She actually asked my cousin to leave the room after they attempted to explain that no the other guys workload is more equivalent to building 2. I was already planning on calling out tomorrow due to mental exhaustion (and now sickness) but now I'm both scared to call out and scared to go in.

That argument had been building for weeks as my cousin has desperately tried to explain that the work is too much for her but the manager never listens.

[fxllen-rxse]

//The frustration is so real.... Here comes a work vent... If it's not you're thing, just ignore. I'll delete later, but I'm desperately needing to get this off my chest.

I've never been so utterly frustrated with work.

We have a young clerk that we hired back a little over a year ago. She's 21 now, has a one year old and is dealing with the kid's father, who is younger and cheated on her. So he's not really in the picture, so to speak. She lives with her mom right now.

She worked here when she was in school, but when c/vid hit, the owner "furloughed" her and someone else. Both ended up quitting. She was hired back when we had someone else quit last year since she was already somewhat trained.

Was fine at first, but her attitude towards others, we have learned, isn't the best. We've had mentions that she has been rude and at least 1 customer literally said that she has the personality of a tree. She has also been "written up" once or twice before.

She is currently less than part time so she can keep her state health insurance.

I've given her the benefit of the doubt, of course. Maybe it's just being blown out of proportion, but as time went on, she's become more and more flaky and undependable. Almost every pay period since she's been back she has missed a day a two. Either due to her kid or herself constantly being sick, which I get. It happens, but it's become such a regular thing anymore. Sometimes she'll also say she has some kind of emergency and is very vague about details and when or if she will be at work, which gives us little time to get coverage for her, if any. One time she was supposed to cover for someone on Saturday, but the day of, she was suddenly sick. This has happened on more than one occasion.

When she does mark herself off, she tends to either forget to tell anyone or just assumes it's fine. For example, a couple days prior, she half heartedly mentions that she won't be in on a Monday because it's her son's first birthday and it's special. Mondays are normally busy and she didn't even mark it down.

On top of this, she is supposed to take 30 minute lunch breaks. She marks herself down for such, but spends an additional 20 or so in the restroom afterwards. It might as well be an hour, but it's clearly not marked that way. Let alone the fact that she just randomly disappears in the middle of stuff for the same amount of time without saying anything multiple times per day.

So recently, several of us has voiced our frustrations with her. My husband, who is mostly in charge of the scheduling, talked with the owner, who already isn't fond of her because she has a nose ring, among other things. Supposedly he just wanted to fire her, but they're going with another approach. Getting fazed out, in a way. She will get her hours cut starting next week when school is out and two of our other employees can actually show up and work.

My husband informed her of this last Wednesday, after she somehow suddenly became sick and wanted to leave at 3. Afterwards, she left upset, and later texts him asking if she were to "accept" these new hours, which would be 3-6 m-f (because she doesn't want to work Saturdays, which is just 9-1), if she could get a raise...

When I was told about this, I couldn't wrap my head around it.... So she wanted more money for less work?!! And the fact that she assumed it was a choice?? I'm just.... I don't....

I have worked here for more than ten years and I don't think I've ever dealt with this amount of stress with another clerk. I am also a clerk. I am full time and, anymore, I feel like I'm babysitter when she's here just to make sure she isn't rude with people.

Maybe this is selfish of me. I'm older than she is, obviously. I have no kids and don't plan on having any, but as someone who doesn't and has had to work since I was 18, lost 2 parents at 20, and moved out shortly after to get away from my abusive step mother, I've been fortunate enough to work my way up to this point where my husband and I are stable with money and stuff and still have some luxuries sometimes. It wasn’t easy by any means.

And to some extent, I have some of my mom's leftover life insurance money to thank for a few things, but aside from that, neither of us were never just handed anything. We both have had to work our asses for this.

I will admit, her situation sucks all around. We have at least one tech who is against the idea of cutting her hours. He told my husband that it's "evil" and she's just a kid.

Maybe I am selfish. I have no kids and I don't know what it's like, but it's increasingly difficult for me to feel sorry for someone who's work ethic is almost nonexistent and just thinks she can get away with being paid more for doing as little as possible. Let alone made some poor life choices. I hate that I have think of it this way and I feel terrible, but I'm just frustrated to no end anymore.

[moongoddessmox]

alright so, im finally on my computer so i can type this all out. remember the introduction of B from work? yeah, well things have developed in a way that's........ugh but also not ugh. let me explain, this is gonna be long.

The last two weeks have been very....interesting. Things have moved pretty fucking fast ngl. So we left off on the second day B and I had ever interacted, back when it was just a simple awkward Hello at work. Well, after that I told B that I was gonna invite him to breakfast with my dairy crew and asked for his number, he told me he dropped something on his head and that's why he went home early. After that we kind of texted but he's like, really bad at responding. Like, it would be a day or more with no response so I was like, ughhhh.

Well, I finally got him to talking about plants because he loves them, and we looked at the plants at our store after work, then we walked to his car and talked. He told me to pick three things and he'll choose one for us to do outside of work. So we made a plan to go hiking. At this point, we're talking more and he's responding better. I'm still doing most of the talking but he's actually saying things now. (He also said he's gonna make a powerpoint to answer all my shit because I talk so much lmfao he never did but whatever)

Anyway, he tells me about his life and that he's divorced, that was a shock tbh. He seems too young to be divorced already but whatever, nbd idc. Anyway, he then tells me he's not sure if he's emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship because he doesn't want to put his remaining issues onto someone so he said "is it okay if we're just friends for awhile?" and ya know, that immediately put up a red flag because i've been told that before. But he seems sweet and we vibe literally so fucking well. So it's okay, I'm cool with being friends with him. He's great. So the next day he invites me to Lowes to look at plants and he bought me starbucks, then we went to the park and walked the trail and to the dog park with his cute ass DOGGGGGG. He's literally so adorable with his dog, yall its tough not to fall for him.

So we hang out like 3 hours or so, and have been texting so much since. The day after that, he facetimed me and showed me all his plants and garden and we made a spontaneous plan to go hiking at the state park, so i got ready and he picked me up and we went out there and hiked. I've never been hiking yall, but it was fun. We talked a lot, joked around, and it was great. We have the same energy but he's more extroverted and goofy. He also kept looking at me and I was like "what" and he said "nothing just figuring things out" and he claimed he was just being weird but like, why would you say that smh lmfao

So, we were texting later that day and about crushes and things and he asked if I wanted to be FWB, which kinda shocked me like, ok so he does like me, but here we go again. I've had a FWB before where they didn't want a relationship but just wanted to use me. So I was like, red flag #2.

However, he's so fucking cute, so hell yeah im gonna do that wtf. Anyway, so we've basically hung out every single day, and we talk rapid fire now, there's no issues with responding. We haven't done anything but kiss, and we don't even sext or anything. Its just kinda flirty sometimes, its like starting to date someone rather than a FWB.

But on Thursday he asked if he could come over on his lunch break and hang out, because we're off on different days, so i super cleaned and he came over and was so kind and gentle with my cats and we talked and hung out and he fucking kissed me and it was so nice. We didn't like, full on makeout but we kept kissing and hes so playful. He snooped around my apartment and had knocked over my painted as I tried to stop him from going upstairs, and it knocked my Castial pop vinyl into my candle and melted the box lmfao yikes. But it was all playful and fun and very touchy. And he's just so sweet and kind...

Then he came over Friday on our lunch break and we hung out in my bed and he literally grabbed me from behind and walked me to my bed and kissed me, pulled me down on top of him and kissed me on the bed. like bro......BRO

He didn't try to do anything else, hes been very respectful and im just like, bro fucking take me, TAKE ME RIGHT NOW BC THIS TEASING IS TOO MUCH, HOW IS THIS REAL

and today he told me his best friend who we work with invited me to their Sunday Football hangouts like.....B told me he wasn't gonna tell anyone bc he didn't want people hounding him about it but he's talking about me enough that his friend is personally inviting me????

So today he's gonna come over and hang out, hopefully lmfao and god. GOD. Yall this is such a mistake because hes so kind and sweet and cute and we match each other so well and I feel like maybe i'm reading into his looks and behaviors too much but hes so genuine and sweet to me.

LIKE yesterday we were talking about favorite starburst flavors and we both said pink, and today at work he held his hand over mine and dropped a pink starburst into my hand. Then when i went to my car on break, he had left a starburst on my door handle........and he gave me veggies from his garden, OH AND HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS PLANTS yall.............this isnt real.........this is so fucking insane............

i'll add some pics of what i can for proof bc this is crazy

[yuichi-ro]

i love how i woke up at 3 AM, wrote this down in my notes and immediately went back to sleep but-

tr/jjk crossover; if reader learns how to cook/bake so getou has something nice tasting to look forward to, what if getou learns how to play an instrument or reads something for reader so she can relax and only focus on him after a long day??? thanks 3 AM sleep deprived brain, i love it.

getou needs less daddy dom content and more softness istg i will scream otherwise that man is made for twisted love and hurt/comfort i have said it before and i will say it again

also i caved in. i now have an inui/vampire! reader nsfw story planned😩 stupid ass blondes istg. idk if you have seen it or clips of it (god the clips, i recommend em) but there is this newer anime called “The Case Study of Vanitas” and the protag is like… super into his vampire love interest manhandling him and biting him despite him “hating” vampires and that just screams inui i am sorry. he would so be a vampire hunter for the sole purpose of fulfilling his kinks and i am equally unamused and equally here for it tbh

and! new owlhouse/amphibia episodes yesterday! they were both sooo fucking good man. can’t believe amphibia parodied midsommar tho, one of my fav horror movies it legitimately made me wheeze

welp thats all my chaotic brain can offer rn. man i should sleep more

take this hanma art whose artist i didnt see instead

-🌌momo

the way i just vividly imagined you snapping awake like squidward having a crisis, jotting all this down, then passing back out in a sea of pillows like you were possessed by the spirit of a literal ghost writer 😂

ok but reader who learns to cook with really strong flavors or unconventional dishes purely in search of something to mask the taste of curses?? Only having what Getou (poorly) explains eating them taste like. So you studious look into every flavor group there is. Switching them up often, sour to sweet to savory to salty and so on, so Getou's tastebubs never get use to it. In an attempt give him something to think about instead of the lingering taste of nasty curses. Leading to making him cute little bento boxes for lunch, elaborate baked goods and dishes that are ever testing your cooking know how but in a good way. Getou almost ending up pavlov'ed to expect your treats after a mission. Just shaving away the little bit of wretchedness his technique comes with. I'm sorry cooking/baking is my love language and Getou deserves it all 🥺🥺🥺

stupid blond libras not like I've been staring at Rindou or anything I hate blond libras so much I hate em

I've never heard of the show but tbh you know what that seems like canon Inui at this point. He's like those god awful clips of ghost hunters antagonizing ghosts on tape but he's trying to find a vampire basically to fuck. Vampire lady? Vampire dude? Doesn't matter if they suck his blood Inui is ready to do it for anything. This. This is the crap Koko is talking about. We were all scornful towards him for being homophobic. Nope, Koko just got tired of being the camera man to Inui's bullshit as he went to a cemetery at 3 am like "It's me, ya boi Seishu, and my neck is looking mighty tasty if there's any vampires out here." This, this is the reason Koko keeps telling him to leave him alone I know it 😐

THAT'S WHY THOSE STUPID GOWNS AND SHIT LOOKED FAMILIAR I KNEW IT WAS A HORROR MOVIE BUT I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE (bc i am a weenie and do not like scary movies) ok but real talk? The way I almost snapped my neck and spit my coffee out when young King Andreas started talking and I realized it was Zeno Robinson. And he was using his Hanma voice 🥺 So great now I have to root for Andreas to not really be a bad guy and hope that he does the right thing in the end. Thanks a lot Zeno Robinson 🙄

Owl House though? I was surprised to see Rain (probably) working with Darius. Like I got him in a different light sure when he was tolerating/being kinda nice to Hunter in last weeks episode. But I 100% didn't see him possibly being a good guy honestly. Terra on the other hand every time I see her I hate her more. And if Eda and Rain don't reunite and kiss at the end of this bullshit I'm gonna flip my very gay table 😶

that's actually one of my favorite Hanma artist ♡ I found all their art via pinterest and I just really adore how they draw his face and his stature and all of it ♡ asdfghjkl idc if I'm having a rindou brain rot air. Hanma is my ride or die and I will move several different countries for this man 😤

[twisted-writing-mess]

Get This Right

Song fic.

Characters: Rook Hunt, Reader

Notes: Rook deserves more love so here is my participation in the “time for Rook to get what he deserves” squad. This idea came up while I was listening to the Frozen II soundtrack. Hope you’ll enjoy! Have an amazing day, wherever you are!

Also, @jangmi-latte​ you said something about wanting to be tagged on Pomefiore related stories so I did! (I hope it doesn’t bother you)

Please also note that English is not my first language, sorry for any grammatical mistakes.

Usually, Rook was not the shy type. He was the fambloyant type. Every person in this school was aware of his shiny presence. He was known for his theatrical enters, his French nicknames, his hunter habits, but also for being such a colourful yet nice person. The only one who could keep up with the strict Vil Schoenheit without any problem. He had more than one admires.

Yet, there was one person who always managed to surprise him and, I dare say, to make him flutter.

You.

He met you on his very first year here, at Night Raven College. You caught his eyes right away, with your beautiful hair, your cute face, your shiny eyes... But most importantly, with your wonderful personality. No matter what your qualities and flaws were, for him, every single part of your being was perfect just the way it was.

At first, as usual, it was a hunting game for him. He would look at you from afar, analyzing your every move and habit, taking mental notes of everything. Your physical abilities, your way to speak, your attitude toward your friends, your reactions when meeting an obstacle...

“Just go and talk to them already,” Vil sighed one day, while Rook was looking through the window with a longing look in your direction. That silly smile and blushing face... The beautiful yet poisonous student was getting tired of it, since Rook was not paying attention to their current experiment.

Yes. He is right. He should. And he wanted to. But when he finally decided to make the move, you beat him to it.

“Why are you stalking me?” You asked, as soon as you spotted him. And that was it. It was as if Cupid shoot him an arrow right into the heart. Since he was not reacting, you waved your hand before his eyes.

“Are you free for lunch?” were the first words he ever said to you. And without really knowing why, you accepted his offer.

This was how you became friends. Rook quickly grew closer and closer to you, until finally asking you out half way through your first year. This day, you made him the happiest man in the world. Until now.

Third year. It will soon be the end of your shared third year among Night Raven College. And it was also your third year of relationship. Rook was starting to have troubling thoughts. When this year will come an end, then what will happen? Will you stay here and try the fourth year? Will you go back to your homeland? The hunter was scared. He could not be separated from you. He refused to. And suddenly, a bright idea. The right thing to do. He knew it was what he wanted. But will you?

“You want to ask for their hand?” Vil asked, absolutely stunned by his friend’s announcement. “Mon cher roi de poison (1), you heard me right,” Rook exclaimed, “I can’t stand the thought of losing them, I want to be together with my sweet love for my whole life!”

This exclamation was so Rook. The hunter came to his trusted friend, and hopefully one day wing man, for advice. He wanted to get this right. It was such a rare vision, the flamboyant Rook being unsure about how to act. But his eyes were burning with determination and dedicated love. Vil sighed. He could not go against his Vice Dorm Leader.

“I will help you with the ring,” he finally said, “I can’t let you ridiculed yourself by choosing something unfitting.” A large smile appeared on Rook’s features. The Pomefiore Dorm Leader was really the best friend he could ever ask for.

Weeks passed. Weeks during which Rook rehearsed his love speech, the on-one-knee position, the ring showing moment... With the participation of a tired Vil.

And finally, he felt ready. Today was the day where Rook will propose to you.

“Mon rayon de soleil! (2)” Rook exclaimed, running to you. You stopped in your track to wait for him to catch up with you. “Hello, Rook,” you smiled before giving him a kiss on the cheek once he was next to you, “I haven’t seen you the whole day. Where were you?”

“I was quite busy, unfortunately, but just seeing you now was enough to brighten my day,” he smiled sweetly. Always so smooth. "Then, if you're less busy, let's walk together," you offered. And he gladly accepted. Now, it was the perfect opportunity for him to strike.

He made sure the walking led you away from people's eyes. He wanted to make his move away from people, just the two of you for this magical moment.

"Mon ange (3)," he called, suddenly stopping. You stopped soon after to look at him with curiosity in your eyes. You were caught off guard by the look on his face. Your lover, Rook Hunt, actually seemed unsure. Troubled. Nervous.

"Rook, are you alright?" You asked, your voice full of worries. Oh no, here, he worried you. The hunter looked down, not looking at you anymore. It only made things worse.

"Oh, Rook, I'm sorry," you hurriedly say, "you're tired and I made you come with me, I should have let you go home and rest."

"It's not you!" His outburst surprised even him. He calmed down, noticing your own troubled look. "It's me... I..." He hesitated, his cheeks turning a cute shade of pink. You really were the only person able to make the flamboyant Rook bashful.

"Mon amour (4)... You always manage to swip me off my feet, and I hope I make you feel as happy as you make me happy," he started, "there was times where I wondered if you didn't deserve someone better than me."

"What? Rook, why would you think-" "Non, non, let me finish, please," he cut you off. If he did not get it out at once, he feared he might lose his words again. He could not believe he rehearsed his proposal for hours with Vil only to stutter in front of you. This was unlike him.

"I want to get this right, to be the right one for you," he admitted. "You are the most extraordinary person I've ever met, and I am so grateful I was offered the blessing to share my everyday life with you for three years now."

You listened to Rook with absolute attention. The more he was talking, the faster your heart was beating. You could feel your cheeks grow hotter too. His words were making their way to your heart, squeezing it lovingly. You could squealed out of happiness, but you kept control over yourself, not daring to interrupt him again.

"And I would love it if you would make me the honor of... Of..." Rook patted his pocket, only to feel nothing there. "Wait..." He checked every of his pockets. Nothing. "I forgot the ring..."

"What is it?" You asked, not understanding his mumbles. Rook looked panicked now. "Rook?" You reached out to him, only for him to run away from your touch. Literally. Rook suddenly ran away.

"Rook, wait! Come back!"

The hunter ran away from his one and only. He did not dare to look back. "Good job, Rook," he thought to himself while running, "you just ruined the moment."

He could not believe it. How could he forget the ring?! He did not get this right, in the end. How would he come back to you after running from you like this? And how would he face Vil after ruining both of their efforts? Going back to Pomefiore now might not be the best idea. But the ring had to be there, in his bedroom.

Rook took some time for himself, to calm his nerves and his panic, before heading back to the Pomefiore Dormatory. His plan was to take the forgotten ring before going to search for you. He was still in time to save the situation. Right?

But everything stopped when he opened the door, only to see you in the Dorm Hall, talking with Vil. Maybe it was still time to run away again.

"There you are," your voice called out. He understood he could not run from this. You made your way to him with a determined walk. He was already planning an apology. You stopped just a foot away from him. The hunter was about to open his mouth to apologize, but once again, you beat him to it.

"Mister Rook Hunt, will you marry me?"

He was stunned. You were looking right into his eyes. You had the confidence he lost. And at this very moment, you were more beautiful than you have ever been. A large goofy smile made its way on his lips. It was as if he was falling for you all over again. What did he do to deserve such a magnificent being?

"It would be my honor!" Rook took you in his arms, turning around with you cradled against him. He stopped, setting you back down. His forehead against yours, his adoring eyes were looking right into yours.

"I'm going to be the man you deserve," he smiled. "You already are, silly," you replied.

"I will make your life the most beautiful one in the world," he added. "You're doing pretty good so far," you chanted.

You wrapped your arms back around his neck to bring him down to your level. He gladly accepted the physical invitation and planted a sweet kiss on your lips. When you parted away, Rook longingly stared into your eyes and caressed your now red cheek. "We got it right."

"No, you did not." Vil finally manifested himself, showing the ring box he was holding in his hand. Oh, yes, the forgotten ring.

---

(1) Mon cher roi de poison: my dear poison king

(2) Mon rayon du soleil: my ray of sunshine

(3) Mon ange: my angel

(4) Mon amour: my love

[random-blfan]

Alsar 65: I'm Holding my Stomach

"Then, is this design okay?" (It’s a bit more like “Can you do this design?” )

"Oh, leave it to me! I'd like to change some things, so please drop by sometime."

The carpenter who was introduced by Ally-san seems to be a designer too, and when he told us what he wanted, he took notes and asked questions such as "What do you want to do here?" And "How many children's rooms do you want?" In regard to the arrangement of the rooms.

Thanks to that, I had lunch on the way, but today the rough floor plan was decided and we were also able to finish the draft up to the last detail.

"Then please!"

"Thank you"

"We’ll be back in a couple of days." 

The carpenter sent us off and we left the store.

Now Fer-san is holding my left hand and Chris-san and Sig-san walk behind us while talking.

I’ve been thinking, when did it become a rule to always hold hands with at least one person?

They normally hold my hand and I don’t say anything and there’s no opportunity to refuse, well it's not like I hate it so it’s fine but…

"I didn't expect that it would take this long. It's already evening, so let's go home,okay?"

"Yes, but are children’s rooms that necessary ...?"

As I walked home, I looked up and listened to Fer-san, who said with a smiling face.

Children's rooms, 5 rooms ...

Me bearing that many children! ?? Is what I thought, though I was told that wasn’t a problem.

In the first place, it feels strange to talk about children even though we really haven’t talked about it in depth...

"Well, even if you don't give birth to that many,a storeroom would be useful, right? If you give birth to five children, we’ll be able to raise them, so don't worry?"

"Hmm ... that's right ... and the servant's room ..."

I was told it would be a good idea for there to be an extra room, and it was incorporated into the floor plan.

"Ren-chan isn't going to quit being an adventurer, right? Then you have to have a room for the person who will take care of the kids while you're away? It's essential for an adventurer with all your companions, so even if it’s small it’s necessary "

"Well, I understand that but ... I didn’t grow up in that kind of environment, so it feels strange ..."

I’ve been through a lot to become an adventurer, so I want to continue after getting married, I was told that if I couldn’t look after my child then there should be a room for a babysitter. I feel torn.

When I heard that, I thought I should quit being an adventurer for a while, but as a support magician who can support three people, I should be able to reduce the risk of injury and death by doing subjugations together, so I want to continue. So I agreed to make a servant room.

Malik would think! I don't feel like saying that …( I really didn’t get this one not even when my friend explained to me, but Ren is worried about Malik’s opinion on the matter it seems)

"Oh, I will move to that house two days after tomorrow, but I have some furniture, so I wonder if I can leave it as it is? I still don't know if it will fit the new house even if I buy some."

"Ah, but why not just renew the bed in the master bedroom? I think the bed there is too small for us and Ren-kun."

"When you say that, it's certainly impossible for four people. Okay, let’s go to the furniture store tomorrow?"

"It should be as big as possible, right?"

When the three of them talk, it becomes a conversation above me and it is difficult to get into it, so I usually just listen to it.

If there is no particular problem, I won’t try to interrupt them

Besides, they talk to me properly, and even now, Fer-san's is still holding my hand, so I don't feel like I'm out of the group, and it's fun to see the three of them having fun.

"Oh, I can see Malik's house. Today I have to give Ren-kun back to Malik."

"Is Malik already at home?"

"Well ... today his shift should end by evening, so I think it's about time for him to come back."

Yeah, I’m sure.

I have a table with his shifts because the shift changes every month, but I can't confirm it because I keep it at home.

"Let's say hello. He let you stay yesterday ..."

"Really? You think it wasn’t a problem letting cute Ren stay with you?" 

"Fugu !?"

"Wow !? Malik-san!? Sig-san is falling! Please let go!"

I think it happened while Sig-san said that, pointing at the house, from behind, a hand extended to Sig-san's solid neck and wrapped around it as if squeezing.

I didn't notice him, but it seems that Malik-san is strangling Sig-san with all his might.

I ask him to let go immediately! 

"Oh, I can't help it if it’s Ren's request. Fine."

"Goho ... haha ​​... Mari ... ku-san ..."

"Sig-san, are you okay !? Doesn’t your neck hurt? If it hurts should I use 「Heal」? "

Malik-san relaxed his grip and released Sig-san with a look that as if he couldn't help it.

I hurriedly approached Sig-san who was coughing violently while kneeling in place.He shook his head so it seems there’s no pain.

"It's okay. I wouldn't be as careless as to hurt him .... Anyway, you guys come in, also there’s something I need to say to Chris, okay?" 

Malik-san, who is quietly angry and looks unpleasantly sullen, says to the three of them, but why does he want to talk to Chris-san?

But ... before that ...!

"Malik-san? Please apologize to Sig-san? It may have been bad to stay without permission, but it's terrible to go for his vulnerable neck from behind, understand?" 

"Ah…"

It was fine because Sig-san has training, but an ordinary person would have been strangled in the blink of an eye,  why did he strangle him anyway!

When I got angry with that in mind, my pout turned into a troubled expression, and I was scratching my head. ( My friend told me that while the “scratching my head” here can literally just be that it’s also used when someone is embarrassed or suffering) 

"If you don't apologize, I won't make lunch for a while!"

"What!? ... I'm sorry."

"No…" (This no is more like “it’s fine...”) 

This is the only way I can express my anger, so when I declared that, Malik-san made a terribly surprised face and immediately apologized.  I reach my hand out to Sig-san who is crouching to help him stand up. (しゃがみ込む = to squat; to crouch down completely  generally with face looking through knees)

It seems he really said  "I look forward to Ren’s bento everyday" before.

"Hmm ... I'm home for now let’s go in ..."

Malik goes into the house while sighing so those three follow suit.

"Well, sit down"

As we enter the living room, we are asked to sit on the rug, so we do so obediently.

"Malik-san, yesterday I suddenly stayed somewhere else, I’m sorry ... were you angry because of that ...?"

"Ah ... well, Ren is an adult too? So it 's fine. The problem is Chris. If you want to contact me, please contact me directly.Because I wasn’t there at that time I was ridiculed as I had to rely on Hugo to pass the message !? " 

"Eh…?"

He isn’t angry because of the overnight stay?

Eh, Chris-san, didn’t you contact him directly! ??

Thinking so, I look at Chris-san who is sitting next to me looking at Malik-san as if nothing happened. 

"Eh ~? Malik wasn't there, but if you got home, wouldn't you be surprised if Ren wasn't there, I thought you would worry, so I asked them to pass on the message ~? Are you angry? "

It doesn't sound like Chris-san's way of speaking ...

Well, if he  wasn't there at that time, it can’t be helped but ... What does he mean by ridicule?

"... Ku. That's right. You're not in the wrong. The problem is Hugo."

"Right?"

"I don't care about perfection ...?  ...? He didn’t deserve to be strangled ..." 

It seems that Malik-san admitted that Chris wasn't in the wrong,  dropping his shoulders.

And poor Sig-san (愁傷様です=しゅうしょう = shuushou, my friend explained to me that this expression is used to when someone dies or the situation is just to pitiful)

"Hmm ... I can make tea. Malik-san hasn't eaten yet, right? I'll make something, so you three eat too and then please go home."

"Oh, yes"

Apparently that was all, so I decided to make dinner after brewing tea.

There should be various ingredients in the refrigerator, so I wonder if I should look inside and decide on the menu.

"Yes. Today is a simple grated pork rice bowl, miso soup, and salad."

"" "Itadakimasu" ""

Everyone seemed to like what I made and ate quickly.

The grated pork bowl is made by dropping daikon radish on top of boiled and sliced meat then adding seasonings such as soy sauce and lemon juice. It's a solid but refreshing taste, so it's perfect for hot summers. When I was in Japan, I used to make it in the summer.

"As expected, Ren's food is delicious .... Oh, that's right. You guys, do you intend to not take quests for a while? "

"It's really delicious, isn't it? I intend to accept something once I've moved to my temporary residence ..." 

Malik-san, who was eating ravenously, says as he remembered.

The three of them said we’d look for a house and wouldn’t take quests for a week.

I wonder… if there’s something good to accept.

However, since I became B rank, it is one rank up and down.

In other words, it seems that you can only receive quests from A rank to C rank,I can't take the F rank Lulu leaf collection quest anymore. 

"That’s good then, some quests arrived that only you can take, 3 solo quests and one for a party, If you can, why don't you take them? "

"We still have a month before we go to the royal capital .... I'll decide after returning to the guild and checking the contents of the quest. Can Ren do the party quest too?" 

"Ah, yes"

Sig-san  answers, mhh but a party quest...

What is it like?

Are solo quests impossible for me

I’ll have to go to the guild and take a look tomorrow...

The three returned to the guild after getting permission to stay when Malik-san isn’t at night.

TN: Poor Sig...

Ahh It's here ＼(￣▽￣)／ I actually finished translating  yesterday at like 5 AM (Because who needs sleep… ) but I was waiting for my friend to reply to my messages and it’s hard because of the time difference.  

The previous translator liked to put food pictures whenever Ren cooked and as a foodie and someone who loves cooking, I really liked that so I decided to do it too!

I hope you liked it, I really like translating and it is fun also I learn so many new things. 

Take care and if you see typos, grammar errors or whatever feel free to tell me, I want to do my best but English isn’t my first language and I’m still learning japanese. 

[dxmedstudent]

I'd really like to know a little about the logistics of hospitals adjusting to the current situation - would you be able to tell us a bit about that - how are wards being rearranged, staff being redeployed to different roles etc? It sounds like the hospitals look quite different to how they did several weeks ago if I've understood correctly. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, hope you're well soon!

Sure, I can try. Changing how we work:We receive regular updates via internal email. First, teaching and group sessions were cancelled. We were warned that some of our shifts would be adjusted - clinic sessions became clerking suspected covid patients.  There are now no elective surgeries, no clinics (though some depts like mine can run phone clinics), and a lot of outpatient services are closed. We were soon told leave would probably be cancelled and we’d be likely to have our rotas changed or be redeployed. This was more than a month ago.

In my hospital (and I’m sure many others), they recently cancelled all leave for April, in case they need the staff. Bank holidays are now normal working days - presumably I won’t get time in lieu for the Bank Hols I’m working.  I felt that this is risky - you need the staff capacity, but also you don’t want people to fatigue too early, or to become too demoralised. We try to socially distance as much as possible at work - not always easy given most offices are tiny and cramped, and it’s hard to run a ward round miles away from each other. We’re at risk of catching it from each other as well as patients because we’re constantly touching computers and equipment and  having to get in close to talk to each other or help patients. We’ve moved where we hold handover, and we try to encourage people to leave if they don’t have to be here. Some ‘bright spark’ took out half the computers in the office to ensure people socially distance, though that just means more waiting for computers.

They’ve redeployed a lot of juniors, particularly from teams (like surgical teams, psych, GP, weird academic jobs where not much was going on) to clerking or the covid-19 wards. Between that and outpatient clinics being cancelled, there are more doctors of every grade of seniority that have been mobilised. It actually meant that when I was on take this week (seeing mostly suspected covid-19, not gonna lie), we were very well staffed. This is great, because it means we have spare capacity to deal with the peak when it comes. Plus I was still dealing with fatigue after my week off for likely covid-19 myself, and it really helped that work was unexpectedly manageable.

They’ve given us some sleep pods, and they’ve made arrangements for more staff to be able to stay over - with transport reduced, and people isolating away from families, more people are choosing to stay in hospital accommodation. We,  keep getting donations of food and stuff from people, which is really nice, though I wish it’d go back to how it was before - less donations, but because people were happy.  I guess it does improve morale, though. Hospital staff are motivated by food.

Reorganising the hospital:

They’ve basically split my hospital into ‘hot’ and ‘cold’ zones - places where we have patients with suspected covid-19 symptoms, and places for patients with no such symptoms.  This means having two ED/A+E departments. Each hot zone has donning and doffing rooms - places to put on and take off PPE. Plenty of places where you have to wash your hands. You  have to wear PPE (surgical mask, gloves, gown) even in ’cold’ places.In hot zones all patients wear a mask as a precaution and you usually have to wear more substantive PPE. I hear from friends that their hospitals operate pretty similarly - it’s standard to try to reduce contact between patients who could have covid-19, and those who don’t.

The corridors are quiet and eerie, rather like being oncall at night. Many staff wear masks between departments. Most of the admin staff are now working from home, so there are less employees in hospital than usual. The cafes are all now only take-aways, though you can still sit in the hospital canteen. Given how hard shopping is, it’s a great comfort that you can at least eat at work if the worst comes to the worst. I miss having spaces to sit - I don’t really want to eat my lunch on a covid-19 ward, and it’s important to leave your office to gain some separation from work mentally, for a short while.

They have turned some of the wards (often surgical - as there are now a lot less operations happening)  into suspected covid-19 wards. Where our teams had extra capacity (i.e. weren’t at minimal staffing), people were randomly re-allocated to the covid-wards. This happened to me weeks ago. I didn’t mind it, but at the time it was still chaotic because they hadn’t quite formalised a plan for who was being re-allocated there, when. The system is now a lot more slick, at least in my hospital. This kind of thing is unprecedented - we’ve never reorganised entire hospitals or how we work, and certainly not under short notice, and it’s been evolving with the crisis. As it stands, most wards are either hot - suspected covid patients, or cold - patients which tested negative or are not suspected of aving the virus. My regular ward is one of the few cold wards, but we still test and diagnose covid pretty often. For what it’s worth, I feel my hospital have generally done the best job that they can. They have expanded ITU’s capacity extensively, and are coming up with all sorts of ways to ensure they have enough equipment and oxygen.

Almost all outpatient departments have shut, apart from dialysis. We no longer allow as many visitors in hospital  - 1 visitor per day for  patients who are seriously unwell or dying. Stable patients are not allowed visitors. For people with covid-19, household contacts usually can’t come because they are meant to be self-isolating at home. This means a lot of phone calls to relatives updating them on their loved ones. That’s one of the main ways this has affected us - we’re having a lot more of those “I’m sorry but your loved one is very sick” or resuscitation decision discussions on the phone, and that can be hard.

Equipment and clothes:

In my hospital, I’d say that fit-testing was departmental - it was down to individual departments to organise. And although they said they’d prioritise at risk departments and staff, with re-mobilisation that clearly wasn’t taken into consideration at first. It takes a while to fit test a ton of people - and a some people are failing fit test. I passed, but not necessarily with the kind of mask that’s available. Unfortunately, people like me were on ward cover or on the covid wards pretty early, so I had to do a lot of running around to get myself adequately tested and protected. We have PPE right now, and some clear guidance on a national level, although that doesn’t necessarily line up with PPE guidance in other places. There’s a lot of criticism of PPE policies across hospitals - people fear inadequate protection and inconsistency, and they fear exposure to a virus that can kill them, their loved ones or their patients. Guidance on what kind to use, and when, has changed over the weeks.  We try to be sensible with how we use it.

They caved and gave us all scrubs to wear on the wards- 3 pairs each. Unfortunately there are no scrubs that aren’t a size large, so we are all swamped. I’ve bought some comfy but ugly clog type shoes that are easy to clean, and I plan to chuck them when this sorry episode is over. If it’s ever over. My scrubs are far, far too big (they’d be big on my 6′3′‘ dude, so on me they are like a literal tent that has to be rolled up) but I won’t get given an appropriate size when they order more. There was no other way to get scrubs - places like endoscopy or theatres refuse to help people from other departments, even if you literally tell them you’ve been deployed to a covid-19 ward. So it’s either work in tent-like pajamas or your home clothes which may not be as suitable. Dresses and skirts are fine normally, but too flappy in an infection-laden situation. I’m happy to be wearing scrubs, I just wish that they fit. But overall, I feel that we’ve been coping where I am.

[astras-world]

WHAT MAKES IT WORTH IT- V

Here's chapter 5! Leave some feedback for me.

Series Masterlist

Warnings: None

When you woke up you immediately felt the throbbing pain of your head and the offensive light burning through the lids of your eyes indicating that the curtains are open

You groaned in pain slowly attempting to sit up and get something to help nurse the aftermath of last night's drinking opening one eye lid first and turning to bedside stand where you found Tylenol and a glass of water sitting atop next to your glasses.

Deciding that glasses won't help you see any better in this condition you opted to drink 2 Tylenol pills and washed it down with some water  giving it a few minutes to take effect as you sluggishly made your way to the bathroom to fix yourself up, washing your face, brushing your teeth with the free toothbrush that came with the suite deciding to take a hot shower to ease up some tense nerves and wrapped yourself up in a bath robe right after

You spotted a plate of waffles and some coffee on the table in your room as you got out of the bathroom, it looked like it has been sitting there for a good 30 minutes but you eat it anyway and drank all the coffee, even making yourself a new one right after

Your hungover was slowly getting better and you could hear a faint sound of laughing and music but you weren't sure if it were coming from right now or if you were imagining it from last night's events

You looked around the room only to realize that it wasn't your room at all. It was very similar but had different shoes and different baggages, a little more messy

You tried to recall the events of last night trying to remember who you had come back with, you were clothed so nothing could have happened

And then it hit you like a lighting strike.

The bar. Drinking. That stranger. Dancing. Tom. Punching. The car ride and the conversation from last night

You couldn't remember if you kissed or not, you couldn't even remember falling asleep. You were freaking out at the possibility of him finding out your feelings

"Oh my god, y/n how are you so stupid?!?" you whispered angrily to yourself

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, what did i say? What did i do? What even happened?" you said nervously

You went to pick up your phone to see if any messages could give you a clue as to what happened last night only to be greeted by a couple messages from Zendaya, haz and Tom that gave you absolutely zero clues as to what may have happened last night.

You groan miserably trying to think of what you could do next. You definitely can't leave the hotel room, the only way out is to face them.

You can't even call for help cause youknow that they'll just convince you to talk to Tom and you weren't sure how to do that just yet

So decidedly you stayed in that room, you had everything you needed anyways so you dug up one of Tom's shirts he'd wear on a normal day and one of his boxers cause you refuse to wear the dress you wore last night.

You clean up your surroundings to occupy yourself a little, fixing up Tom's clothes on the gound, folding and sorting. Fixing up the bed, cleaning up the table littered with disposable coffee cups and paper plates.

You finished that task quickly and grew bored as you sat on the bed thinking of what you could do next when you heard the door open, snapping you out of your trance and quickly turning to see who it was

Tom was there leaning against the door frame with a sly smirk on his face

"When do you plan to come out?" he asked teasingly

"We'll hopefully, never if I'm gonna be honest." you muttered quietly

"hmm well if it helps they went out, got lunch I think" he said walking in and closing the door behind him.

"Why didn't you come with?" you asked

"Well, I couldn't exactly leave you here to starve now can I?" He said amused

"I could've take care of myself after you left you know." you replied

"And risk not talking about last night? You're not getting away that easy, darling" He said walking closer to you stopping and the foot of the bed

You shivered slightly at the pet name, god ypu missed being called that with his voice

"What's there to talk about?" you asked nonchalantly 9.30am

"Ah, so we're gonna play that game are we?" he said raising an eyebrow.

"why are you avoiding me?" he asked blatantly

"I'm not, how can I, I'm your personal assistant" You said

"Exactly, you're my assistant so why are you avoiding me? " Tom asked expectantly

"What does it matter anyway?" you asked giving up

"It matters to me." Tom said simply

"It's not that important anyway, I'm still doing my job correctly." you respond avoiding the question

"It's not about your job, y/n. I don't care if you decide to book me for the same thing 3 times or if you decide to not let me show up on set for a week, you'd keep your job if I had anything to do about it" Tom said cooly

"Then what is this about?" You asked looking at him in the eyes

"You and me." He said simply.

"You and me? Wha—What you and me?" You asked surprised

"Don't act like there's nothing going on between us, don't pull that on me." He said his jaw clenched

"Elaborate" You said inching closer

"Do you remember nothing from last night?" He said walking towards the side where you were sitting.

"I remember some of it." you confirmed.

"so you don't remember coming here?" he asked

"Nope. I've been trying to" you answered honestly

"huh." Tom stepped closer in your direction and lowered his head at your level, your faces inches away from each other "Maybe this will jog your memory."

Memories of last night came pouring in, your faces inches away from each other just like right now but still you couldn't remember if you kissed just the way your heart was beating out your chest and the overwhelming feeling to pull his face towards you and his hot breath reeked of beer but turned you on nonetheless.

"I remember this part, but not what comes after." you said so quietly it almost felt like a soft gasp

"Interesting" he said smirking "Do you wanna find out?" He asked his eyes locked on your lips

"I wouldn't mind too much." you said almost panting your eyes drawn to his lips your mimd littered with his soft curls between your fingers and his lips locked on yours.

"Care to guess?" He asked daringly

"No, it's hard to make assumptions" You said tilting your head just a little

"Hmm, I don't think you want to know that badly" he hummed tauntingly

"Hmm but you do." You fired back.

"You have a point" He admitted

"I know, I always do" you said

He pulled away from you and walked 2 steps back

"I think I'll keep that information to myself a little longer." He said.

"Hmm, can you live with yourself that way?" You asked jokingly

"We'll see." he shrugged his arms crossed

"What were you doing out there by the way?" you asked curiously

"Oh, deja was just teaching me a few dance moves" He answered

"You still dance?" You raised a brown at him amused

" 'Course I do, love. Why would I risk losing a talent like that?"  he said exaggerated

"I dunno, Movie star. Why would you?" You teased

"Don't call me that" Tom groaned pulling his head back

"Aw don't like being called that, tommy?" You said teasing him even more

"Enough, Princess. You've had your fun, let's get some lunch."

"I'm wearing your boxers." you deadpanned

"we'll order in." he said

"Then why can't I stay here" you pouted

"Cause, the dining room is outside not here" He reasoned

"But it's comfier here and a table is right there." you convinced

"We can always come back later, darling"

"Why? am I staying the night?" You asked

"If you want to" he shrugged

"I'll decide later. Show me those moves first" you said biting your lip

He rolled his eyes at you but pulled out his phone from the pocket of his sweatpants and unlocking it

He sat next to you and handed you the phone

It was a video of him and deja dancing the controlla challenge

"Damn boy, what them hips do?" You laughed

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He said suggestively looking at you

You turned your head to face him and you immediately felt his breath fanning your face

"Hmm, I think I could just ask one of your girls." you said thoughtfully

"I don't have any girls." He said

"sorry, don't believe it" you shrugged

"You are literally with me all the damn time, you know the ins and outs of my schedule." He says flatly

"your schedule doesn't cover every minute." you pointed out.

"Those minutes are spent with you. On the bed. Or with Harrison out drinking." He deadpans

"And whose to say you don't pick up some chick when you're out drinking?" you ask

"You. You pick us up when we're drunk off our asses or not." he states.

"True." you nod

"see, now c'mon I'm hungry." He says pulling you away from the bed.

"Fine" you let out an exaggerated sigh and Tom rolled his eyes playfully at you.

You decided on Thai takeaway and turned on a bad romcom for the both of you to make fun of.

"Why were you avoiding me?" Tom brought the conversation up again.

"Did we kiss?" you countered the question.

"If I answet your question, will you answer mine?" he asked

"If you answer two of my questions, I might."

"Now that's just unfair."

"All is fair in love and war" You shrugged

"Fine." he said turning slightly to face you.

"You gonna tell me, pretty boy?" you ask holding his chin up with one finger

"thinking about it, actually" he muttered. "What's your second question?" he asked.

"Hmm. Why'd you wanna kiss me?" you asked tilting your head curiosity filled your eyes

"You really have to ask that?" He asked raising a brow an amused smile playing oh his lips.

"Well, I wouldn't if I knew the answer?" You fired back

"Have a guess?" He ask

"A few." you replied.

"How many exactly?" he asks

"Hmm, around 2 or 3?" You hummed

"Care to tell me?" He answered

"Nah." you say shaking your head slightly

"you really wanna know?"

"Yes."

"I can't be the only one who sees it."

"See what?"

"I mean, Z noticed it, Jacob too, Even Haz!" He said raising his hands in disbelief

"See what?" you ask curiously

"I'm pretty sure everyone sees it." he said unbelievably

"What?" you ask again

"I think I like you?" he finally says.

What.

Shoot me an ask if you wanna be included or removed from this taglist! Please leave a like, send feedback and reblog Thanks for the support on this series, yall are A M A Z I N G.

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[not-poignant]

Do you happen to have any tips or resource recommendations for handling mental fatigue? I'm training for a new job and I do love it, but a couple months in, boy do I feel kinda like I've been hit by a freight train!

Hmmm, offhand, not especially. I mean mental and physical fatigue is common for me, because I have a billion multiple disorders and mental illness issues that were severe enough that I’m on a Disability Pension and can’t work official hours. So I’m like, the last person to give advice on this in some ways, because the government took one look at me and said ‘yeahhhh you shouldn’t be working a 9-5’ and my number one way of dealing with all kinds of fatigue is like...rest. Because I literally can’t get through the day without sleeping for 4 hours of it.

Basically I’d be fired for being me. I have to sleep a lot or my body shuts down and I (literally) collapse in kitchens and it’s not pretty.

And obviously that’s not something that’ll work for people who are working more conventional jobs? But I have never worked a conventional 9-5 job. I’ve done it hard in retail (60 hour weeks), but...

I’m trying to think of what I suggested to Glen / what he found for himself (who does work a conventional 40 p/w job) in the beginning, since mental fatigue was like... a big deal, and these were the following things that helped:

* Remember it’s temporary. In the first 6-12 months it tends to be the hardest while your body literally adapts to a new routine it’s never been in before. This is the first thing Glen tells other people who are new to full-time work.

* Make sure you zone time for leisure activities and things that stimulate your brain in different ways. This doesn’t mean zoning however many hours of uselessly trawling the web and social media every night, but actually putting time aside for hobbies or listening to music you’ve always loved, or watching a show you’ve always enjoyed. Even if you fall asleep during it, it’s worth making the attempt to show the other parts of yourself that you still value them.

* Rest. And decide what that means for you. It’s not always ‘sleep.’ For extroverts, it might be gently socialising. It might be meditation. It might be going outside and going for a hike on the weekend. It might be planning a day off to watch Netflix on one of your days off. It might be learning a new skill to remind yourself that your life isn’t entirely work (some people find this restful). It might be reading fics. Sometimes rest for our mind isn’t always the same as rest for our bodies. I find hiking very restful for my mind, but my body will be tired afterwards. I find lying down very restful for my body, but my mind needs a bit more than that to really rest.

* If it persists, get a bloodtest for your nutrition / vitamin, especially vit D and iron. It never hurts to sometimes try a B-vit supplement like Berocca on the hard days.

* Glen made a list of the things that helped him. One of his things was ‘talking to people about non-work things’ and so at work sometimes he just finds someone to talk to for five minutes about non-work things (this isn’t always possible). He also goes for walks on his lunch break sometimes. He said he keeps the list on his phone and always refers back to it.

* Find ways to not give your whole self to work, because you’re more than just your job. (Glen said ‘don’t try so hard at work all the time, it is not the place you should be giving 110% of yourself every day’ - idk how I feel about this but he’s the one doing it and so I’m putting it down!)

Also find other people who work the kind of hours you do who have a lot of experience and ask them for advice too! I am not a good example because of my mental fatigue is bad (which it often is, though rarely as bad as my physical fatigue) I am able to switch gears a lot more easily. It’s one of the ‘privileges’ (ha) of being so disabled that I can’t work a conventional job. It’s not very productive to suggest my stuff to other people, because I cannot be productive like other people can, that’s why I have to work in the weird ways that I do.

But hopefully Glen’s methods help! He’s a smart fellow, and we’ve talked over this stuff a lot, as he has chronic depression and mental fatigue is something he gets just re: existing sometimes, and full-time work definitely made it a lot harder. So we had to actively really search for things that help. Hopefully passing them on does some good

[rinadesu-blog1]

~ To Meal Plan Or Not To Meal Plan, That Is The Question ~

I'm back bitches~

Sorry I was gone for so long, I've been filming and editing a lot and just changing my lifestyle.

I go to the gym every day for an hour and a half now and I'm starting to eat better, having more veg and fruit and I've cut out all sugar and fat things in my life, and during the first four days I lost 4kg so I'm kinda proud of myself lol.

Anyways, I'm not sure if this will be a two part series but for now I'm just gonna type away and inform all you guys about the cafeteria's in EWHA.

So, ewha has many cafeteria's and places to eat. Now restaurants are another story so we'll save them for later, but at ewha, I have eaten at six of the eight cafeteria's on campus. It's like a fucking mission of mine. There is the ECC Cafeteria, The Human Ecology Cafeteria ( that's where most exchange students go), The Posco Building Cafeteria, The Nursing Building Cafeteria, The University- Industry Cooperation Building Cafeteria ( fuck me that's a mouth full), Hanwoori Cafeteria and E-House 201 & 301 Cafeteria.

I have been to all but the University Industry cafeteria and Hanwoori Cafeteria ( which will change as I am in Hanwoori next semester).

So I would love to talk ALL about the multiple cafeteria's around EWHA, but I'll keep it short and sweet. ECC is the priciest, Human Ecology is cheap but only serves two options or less a day, The nursing building is fine but can be disgusting, Posco is always crowded and noisy but serves ok food. So I'm going to tell you about my favourite; E-House Cafeteria 201.

I currently live in E-House 202 and I lived in 204 during the fall semester, so I ate ( and still do eat) at the E-House 201 Cafeteria.

My Cafeteria serves four options everyday breakfast, lunch and dinner. We have Korean style meals, Western Style Meals, Asian Style Meals, and Snacks.

I personally like the Korean and Western Options. Actually, as I'm writing this, I just ate the Korean style lunch which was so good and healthy.

The meal options change every mealtime and they have different ones everyday, so there's always loads of choice. The meals estimate between 3,000-4,000 WON per meal, so that's around $2-$3 or £1.50-£2.50 so it's insanely cheap for what you get.

When you get a meal, you are given the main dish, side dishes, soup, salad and a drink ( which may be drinkable yogurt like I had today, or apple juice, orange juice, etc).

The meals are usually very hearty, with the Korean and Asian options being extremely healthy. You pay such little for fresh and delicious meals. Now just note that the cute Ahjumma's that cook here don't speak English so they'll just point or plainly speak fast Korean to you whether you speak Korean or not so prepare for that. I've haven't eaten there for so long due to school and friends and now filming that one of the Ahjumma's saw me yesterday for the first time in weeks and she held my hand between her hands and said I lost weight which made me happy. Today, more of the Ahjumma's recognised me and told me to smile ( I had just finished working out and I was exhausted) and when I smiled she said I was pretty and I literally love those sweet Ahjumma's.

Anyways, there's this thing at E-House that is offered to all students. It's called the Meal Plan. Now, here's why I think you SHOULDNT go with the meal plan at E-House or Hanwoori. The meals cost around 3,000-4,000 WON per meal. The meal plan tells you a semsterly price to pay. After calculating the average price of each meal and split it per day and how many meals were offered per day, I found that they add a 0.50 cent/ pence or $1/£1 more on to each meal, so at the end of the day, it's a waste or money.

Also, due to class schedules, you won't always be at the cafeteria during the time for each meal. You will more than likely miss breakfast and lunch and dinner depends on when you finish classes, so it's a waste to pay for meals you might not even be able to eat due to your major's schedule.

What I love about this cafeteria is how modern and light it is. Never too warm or too cold, with an easy paying system. You can pay by going to a machine, seeing the meals that are offered and paying by cash or card for whichever one you want. You then proceed to take your ticket to the area marked as Asian, Korean, Western or Snack for whatever it is you ordered.

They also don't just serve warm meals, they also offer pre-packaged salads, Ramen ( with cheese or an egg) you cook yourself in the cafeteria, sandwiches, cakes and fruit. It's great for when you are hungry but you're on the move to class or a club or you just don't feel like eating something really heavy during that time of the day.

Also note that SNACKS and WESTERN can be kinda different from what you are used to.

I've seen things from toast to omurice ( which is Japanese), to a jar of Jam ( literally just a jar or jam), to fried spam to just hotdogs, spaghetti or burgers. So it can be very wild sometimes.

And snacks are not really snacks all the time. Sometimes they offer cake or fruit but then other times snacks are huge meals of chicken and fries or kimchi fried rice or even types of jjigae.

So snacks can really fill you up. (the bigger snacks are usually called limited menu for some reason, I don't know why, they aren't limited by time or anything like that but anyways, KONGLISH I guess).

Also the Ahjumma's do a mean Tteokbokki, Soondae and Kimchi Fried Rice~ it tastes just like eating it at a vendor outside of campus! Also, you can bring friends who don't live or attend ewha to the cafeteria, or family members, and eat together there as you don't need an ID to enter or purchase food there, so it's great, and there's plenty of space.

The meals are tasty, huge, cheap and I love them. (And depending on what the food is like at Hanwoori, I may just go to E-House Cafeteria next semester as well lol).

I hope you enjoy this little post of E-House and Ewha Cafeteria's and I will see you guys soon when I post another post... yeah, that was weird, anyways..

나중에 봐요~~~~

[modellecitizen]

worst day I've had in years

20 years have come and gone since my mother committed suicide.  every year, her birthday comes around on april 20th and I think of her fondly, miss her as much as I can though I have few memories of her that are still clear in my mind, and basically move onto the next day.

not this year, though.

I should preface this with the fact that since my mother died when I was 9, I never daydreamed about her helping me plan my wedding, or meeting my future husband, or seeing our home or the life we'd build together.  these kinds of things don't pop into the mind of an average child, so really, I felt lucky at times that I didn't know what I'd be missing out on.  I felt losing my mother at 9 was better than at 19.  who knows now, maybe I was wrong.

in the months that have gone by since sean's father ray passed away last October, I've realized how lucky the rivard family is to have known him so well, and have had so much time with him.  they do things I simply can't do; they play voicemails from him that he left on their birthdays, they go through pictures on facebook tagged with the whole family in them, they review old social media posts he left for them, etc.  I'm so happy they have these outlets.  I can't imagine what it'd be like if they didn't have a visual way to see and remember him.  they love him so much, and for good reason.  he was an amazing man.

I think what I'm most jealous of is their ability to speak for him in certain moments; to be celebrating a birthday and know in their hearts that he's wherever, with a bag of oreos (his favorite snack) and some champagne (he loved celebrating) cheering the birthday person on and singing along with the family.  they know this of him because it's how he was his whole life. they can speak from experience, because they knew him so well.

I can't do that.  I never realized how little I knew my mother until I see a beautiful family dynamic full of people who know every piece of one another.

I have no idea what our relationship would be like - I have no clue if she'd even be helping me plan my wedding.  maybe she'd hate that, or maybe I wouldn't want anyone's help because I'd still be the total control freak I am today, in real life.  Maybe she'd be forcing me to wear some version of her old wedding gown (she was married in the 80s so that's obviously a no-go!) or maybe she'd be telling me stories from her perspective of her wedding day with my dad.  I have no idea if she'd validate my anxieties, or tell me to grow a pair and enjoy the process.

anyway, when april 20th rolled around last week, all of the above hit me like a ton of bricks.  really shitty, heavy, devastating bricks.  I didn't know what to do with all of my emotions, so I wrote the first 'detailed-ish' facebook post about her I've written.  it was an honest insight to what I thought I was missing, and how it kind of broke me.

I wrote it around 10am at work that day, then proceeded to literally sob quietly at my desk for about 3 hours.  around 1p my girls cindy and emily took me to lunch to try and get some fresh air, distract myself with pho, and get moving around a little bit.  this was so necessary, and I love them for getting me out of my head, even for just 60 minutes.

then I came back to the office around to the sweetest thing; flowers from Katie.  she was one of the first to see the facebook post and gave me a chance to open up about it a little bit, and being the super intuitive mind-twin that she is, she knew a vase of daisies would bring a little light into my day.  it absolutely did, and I'm so thankful for her.

that being said, of course my colleague asked me what the occasion was, and because I'm a shit impulsive liar, even when its in my best interest TO lie, I couldn't.  I burst into tears and just explained it was my late mother's birthday, and that getting married this year without her made it surprisingly difficult.  she then told my manager (they're both women in their late 50s-early 60s) and they proceeded to remind me that they were my work moms and I could come to them with anything I needed.

obviously I cried, and stayed crying until I left work early around 4pm.

got home, sat on the couch, and my god I couldn't remember the last time my eyes hurt so bad.  I was so dehydrated and worn out, who knew crying could really take that much out of you.

my aunt Katie (who basically took over as my mom-figure when I was 10 and never let go, for which i'm SO thankful) asked if I would be up for a phone call that night.  we've been doing weekly/bi-weekly Thursday night calls for the last month or two, talking about wedding planning and anything else in our lives. I originally said probably not, because it had already been a long emotional day, and I knew talking to AK would make it harder because she has always had so much information about the day my mother died, and I've never asked to hear it.  This was the first time I found myself wanting to..

I eventually decided the day couldn't get much harder, so I called.  We talked about a few things, how my post made her feel, how we both missed her.  And then I finally asked what happened the day my mother took her own life.  I'm not going to go into the details because it's not really my experience to share, and it's a little more real than I feel like getting right now.  Nonetheless, it really shed a lot of light on everything for me, and gave me a really great amount of respect for my family, how hard they fought for her, how long they supported her in her attempts to get help, how much they rooted for her, and how they continued to love her when she had no more fight left, and they felt out of options.

My aunt said the most difficult part of 'supporting my mother's decision/to stop opposing it' was that I was only a little kid, and no one asked me.  No one could, a child can't be allowed to have a say in something so heavy; I understand now and honestly, I understood even then.  I knew what my mom was doing on more than a few basic levels, and I remember when my dad came to my grandma's to get me, and tell me she was gone, I already knew.  I was expecting there to be a day where she finally got what she wanted - to leave this life behind. 

I knew none of it was my fault, and still know that.  Depression is a terrible thing that robs beautiful, bright people of their most all-encompassing qualities.  I'd lost my mother years ago, before she ever stopped breathing.  I knew that.

I'll end this with the fact that I'm glad I have the people in my life that I do, I'm so thankful to be marrying into an amazing family to only add to the love in my life, and while I will always wonder what my life would be like if my mom was still here, I have no anger toward anyone. 

I can't harbor any feelings like that, I just can't.  It's no one's fault.

[ithilien-writes]

I know this is a stupid question, and I know the answer is probably just see a doctor, and I don't know the proper terminology, but how did you go about figuring out you have anxiety? I've been feeling a lot lately like I should probably try to talk a therapist or something but I can't afford it right now.

not a stupid question at all. sorry for the super late response!! (more under the cut to save people's dashes and in case anyone wants to avoid)

i have basically had anxiety my whole life, partially due to heredity i guess because my mom has it as well (and maybe my dad to a lesser extent). but then i think it got worse because of some trauma in my childhood, so :/

BUT i have always hated medication (like it's one of the things that causes me anxiety) so i always told myself i was handling it without. and you know, i think i sort of was for the most part, although looking back it's hard to say what things might have changed if i'd gotten help sooner?

so anyway, when i first moved out on my own after college, it was hard for me to be in a new city and trying to make friends and i had pretty good insurance through my job so i decided to try talk therapy .. and i hated my therapist. :/ it was like talking to a wall basically. everything i said was turned back to me and not in a way that felt helpful. i wanted advice, not a bland sounding board. so i stopped going when my insurance changed

then maybe 3 years ago or so? i was having lunch with a coworker and it was super fun - good food, good conversation, literally nothing stressful there (or waiting for me back at work either). but as we started driving back to work this feeling of sheer panic just started to come over me. before, i'd always been able to point to something and say 'this is making me anxious' but this time? there was nothing. i just was.

long story short, i ended up in the emergency room twice that week. to this day i have no idea what might have triggered it, but it was one of the worst weeks of my life. (plus you want to talk expensive.. do not EVER go to an emergency room in the US unless you are legitimately dying oh my god..) so after that, i talked to my regular doctor and she prescribed me some lo-dose xanax on the condition that i would also try talk therapy again. i see a therapist every 2-3 weeks depending on how i'm feeling and i like this one a lot better. she's very motherly lol and she gives good advice. it's hard for me to talk about some stuff still, but we're working on it. and to your point, it's no er visit but it definitely still is not cheap, which is why i don't see her every week. if you think it might help, you might start with just once a month and see? also sometimes i think there are programs that help with cost or offer for free, so if there's some kind of public assistance office in your city it might be worth a call to them to see if they know of anything like that

anyway, that's kind of how it went for me. so my basic advice would be that if you can get ahead of it before you end up in the hospital like this idiot, that's a wayyyy better plan lmao