#literally every year its just so miserable and i think i do it to myself bc i make sure every form of

[nomairuins]

bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏

[salsflore]

going to sleep soon ～ let me get some things off my chest here.... my eyes are super itchy again (fell into the trap of snuggling my cat even when i swore i wouldn't do it again)

[playingonedchess]

really feeling the fomo with those last two posts arent i why now i wonder

[pears-trinkets]

.

[auspiciouscat]

god i hate the birth of day

[sailor-aviator]

Hey.

Go ahead and get settled because this will be...long, in true Liz fashion.

So, by now I'm sure most of you have heard what's happened. If not, you can search this blog for some answers or others for more.

I joined this fandom offiicially at the end of September after being a long time lurker. I had just lost my job and times were uncertain for me. I felt inspired to write, and as someone whose formative years were shaped by the fandom experience, I wanted to feel that sense of belonging again - to feel like a part of a community. I've talked about it on here before, but I started my fandom days in the original Hunger Games fandom when the first movie had just come out, and then I shifted gears towards the SuperWhoLock fandom. If you know anything about SuperWhoLock, then you know you had to have pretty tough fucking skin to be a part of any of it.

Of course, this was back in the day when fandom was an actual community and not authors having to beg for scraps of engagement and people thinking its a numbers game. I was a fairly large blog within the SuperWhoLock community (Waywardly-Carrying-On was the username), but I left fandom for a few years because life got hectic and I felt like I had outgrown the fandom itself as I was no longer watching any of the shows. As the years went on, I started to yearn for the fandom experience again, which is how I found myself dipping toes into several different ones.

I was so excited to publish my first fanfic. I had convinced myself that I wasn't a good writer (much to the chagrin of my irl friends), and I had put a pause on writing my original story. I wanted to write this idea about a cowboy and a girl using characters that I had grown to love like I did way back in my older days. So, I started posting, and I was so excited for the story, that I kept posting almost daily. MamaMay was one of the first people to embrace not only my story, but me as a person into the fandom. She made me feel welcomed and wanted.

Pretty much right off the bat I was already getting anons telling me that I was being too much and that I needed to calm down with all the posting. I was confused because...this is Tumblr. It's literally a blogging website? Why wouldn't I post? I decided to ignore the mean words (not before giving my opinion, of course) and kept on doing my thing. Well, the anons got continually worse and worse. I had a suspiscion as to who the anons could be, but I never had concrete proof. So, I experimented with blocking suspects until finally it worked. I'm not naming names because that's not my style, so don't even bother asking.

The fact of the matter is, some of you have entered fandom spaces for the first time, and you don't know how to act. You don't care to learn fandom etiquette as you've made abundantly clear by calling fandom olds every name under the sun while utilizing the anonymous feature. Newsflash, you're part of the problem. You're the reason why authors don't want to publish anymore. You are the reason that something that's supposed to be fun is starting to feel like a goddamn chore.

How many times can authors on here say that we aren't machines? We have lives outside of this website: family, friends, jobs, school, etc. Some of you really are just hellbent on making everyone around you miserable, and it's sad. You can't just leave well enough alone and let people enjoy something, no you feel like everyone has to enjoy it the same way as you.

Some of you go after authors on here because of some weird sense of jealousy too. I don't know why my shit blew up, babe, I really don't. But I started out with no followers and no support just like everyone else. I'll tell you what helped me though: following fandom etiquette and reaching out to other creators to build an actual community. None of this "I've reblogged three of your things and now I'm messaging you so that you return the favor." No, I reached out to make actual friendships which is what fandom is SUPPOSED to be. If someone was clearly not interested, it was fine!! I backed off and kept doing my own thing.

Some of you think being mean on the internet makes you big and bad. Guess what! It doesn't! It's loser mentality and I feel genuinely sorry for you. I'm sorry that people in your own life made you feel so small as to feel like you had to lash out at strangers on the internet who are just trying to have fun.

Anyway, this is my really long way of saying that I am taking a break for a little bit. I have no idea how long it will be - could be the weekend, could be a couple of weeks, could be forever. I need time to decide if this is something I want to keep persuing. If I come back, I don't know if I will remain a TGM blog or if I'll shift gears and hop into another fandom with a rebrand. Guess we'll just have to see.

To the people on here who have been a constant source of joy, laughter, and support: thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Your presence has meant everything to me, and I hope that my break sees me wanting to come back and giggle about the silly plane movie with you all again.

Nothing but love,

Liz 💛

[royalsweetteaa]

Child’s play

Pairing: bully!Johnny Storm x teacher’s pet!reader

18+ ONLY | MINORS DNI

WARNING - the following fic contains: explicit smut/dub-con, public sex, oral sex (male & female receiving), high school AU (Johnny & reader are 18 in this story), Johnny is an asshole, other character appearances (Wanda Maximoff & Jake Jensen), mild dark humor, blackmail, dom!Johnny, dom/sub, daddy kink, stubborn!reader, needy!Johnny.

Summary: As a teacher’s pet, you take it to your advantage of making Johnny - the bully of the school to stop his torment against others. You later discover the reason why he bullies in the first place.

Y/N’s POV

Grade 12 in High school was probably the chillest year. While it had its challenges with harder exams and tests, I found myself acing those easier than previous years as I had found an efficient way of learning and memorizing the needed subjects.

In the beginning, puberty and finding our place was the hardest part of settling in, but now we were finally past being teenagers and going into adulthood at our last year, - which meant more control over ourselves.

Most of us changed for the better, while others….didn’t.

Johnny Storm was a perfect example of someone who had gotten worse from when he first started high school with the rest of us.

He has been viewed as a huge bully since year 2, first doing the ridiculous old school low blow of throwing 8th graders’ backpacks over the rooftop, which recruited him a group of boys who also seemed to enjoy being a huge menace.

He had recently been more active with his ruckus, and today wasn’t much different from that. I left my classroom, and the first thing I saw was Johnny picking up Jake’s sunglasses, swaying them around as he threatened to loose them to the floor.

“Guys, please stop messing around….these are expensive.” Jake pled, but it went deaf to their ears.

Johnny’s and my eyes met for a split second, and he grinned before he continued mocking the shorter guy who was desperately trying to get his glasses back while the group of guys behind Johnny laughed their asses off.

I looked over my shoulder at my friend, Wanda, and we rolled our eyes in sync. “Here we go again…” I muttered, before I walked over to Johnny to stop his nonsense.

“Johnny, stop it. Give his glasses back.” I demanded, but he didn’t seem to be paying attention at first. I was about to open my mouth again, but he finally tossed the glasses over to Jake, and thankfully Jake caught them without crushing them.

I sighed in relief and turned to Johnny again, “Can you please stop picking on Jake? He has literally done nothing but exist and you keep taunting him every chance you get.” I stated, scolding the taller blonde.

Johnny scoffed at my attempt to reason with him. “Maybe him existing is the problem, sweets. His only solution might be to jump off the school balcony if he wants me to stop, right boys?” He looked over his shoulder where his friends stood behind him, laughing and snickering at Johnny’s edgy humor.

I wasn’t amused in the slightest though, and I shook my head with full disapproval. “That’s just low. How less pathetic can you be to say something like that? It’s easy to tell you have nothing interesting going on in your life if this is all you do, - making people miserable.”

Johnny huffed, but didn’t say much else as he began walking away with his friends, calling me names above whispers as they followed him.

My focus was quickly shifted to Jake, and I held his shoulder as I asked out of concern, “Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah I think so…” Jake responded as he adjusted his glasses onto his face. He then turned to me and gave a smile of gratitude. “Thank you for saving me, Y/N. I can always count on Johnny’s tyranny to be put to a stop when you’re around. Something tells me he likes you with how he actually listens to you.”

I laughed at Jake’s theory, “I don’t know about that. I think it has more to do with the fact that my aunt is the principal. Not to mention I’m known as a notorious teacher’s pet, but I don’t mind the title as the benefits overweigh of being one.”

Jake snorted as he nodded his head. “Yeah, I don’t mind you being in the school council’s favor either when you’re using it for the greater good. Makes us feel a little more safer. Like uncle Ben said to Peter once in Spider-Man issue #15, - With great power comes great responsibility.”

I giggled at the reference Jake had provided through his share of thought. He is such a nerd, but in a cute way.

“That’s right.”

It was just another Wednesday again, and Wednesdays were the days where my class would be done and leave 2 hours prior to most of the students at this school. I was looking forward to arriving home earlier than usual.

As I was walking down the hallway, I heard a familiar series of sniffles and sobs come from the girls restroom, and I was too curious to continue walking out.

I quietly entered the restroom and saw none other than Wanda, my friend crying by the sink as she wiped her tears with paper.

I immediately rushed over to her and held her by the shoulder, urging her to tell me the reasoning behind her tears. “Wanda, what happened? Why are you crying?”

“Johnny, h-he…” Wanda paused as she sniffled again, “he took my phone during science class while I was distracted with working on our project, and he went on my private messages with Vision and found nudes I had sent…and then he airdropped them to his own phone and teased me about sending them to his other guy friends when he gets home…”

I was mortified to hear this, almost questioning how Johnny could steep that low. But considering how he usually is, I shouldn’t be too surprised.

Johnny had done plenty of things that wasn’t acceptable, - such as setting up a full bucket of water over the gapped door to have the hot substitute teacher be soaked through her white shirt, causing her breasts and bra to be more prominently visible. He was a mixture of being perverted, way too curious and provocative.

“Wanda,…we need to tell someone, - either the principal or one of the teachers. They can confiscate his phone and make him delete them.” I reasoned.

She shook her head, “Are you kidding me? If we tell them and it becomes a case, my parents will freak out once they find out I’ve been sending inappropriate pictures to my boyfriend! It doesn’t help that they have been disapproving our relationship since the beginning.”

That I have been aware of, and I wanted anything but to have Wanda split from her boyfriend, the guy I was sure she will end up marrying one day because he was just that good for her despite what her parents thought.

An idea came to mind of how we could solve this. A risky but easy one nonetheless.

“What class does Johnny have right now?”

Wanda furrowed her eyebrows but answered anyway. “I-I think he has P.E.? He goes in the same class as Steve,…why?”

My face lit up, “That’s perfect then. If we could get Johnny’s phone, I could ask Jake if he could hack the phone and get the password so we can delete those pictures. Jake’s good with that stuff.”

Wanda slowly shook her head in disbelief, “Y/N, you can’t be serious…are you suggesting on sneaking into the boys’ locker rooms? That’s insane! I still have classes anyway, I won’t be able to make time for it.”

“But I have plenty of time. I’ll quickly rush inside, find Johnny’s bag, and boom! Phone snatched! We don’t have to make this complicated.”

“But — couldn’t we ask someone else to do it? It’s too risky! Why don’t we ask Jake or some other guy to do it?”

“We don’t have time!” I reasoned. “Jake’s god knows where and we’re not about wasting precious time. Now please listen to me and only keep for a look out for as long as you can while I get the phone. I promise you, it’ll be okay.”

“O-Okay,…thank you, Y/N. I owe you so much.” Wanda said, shedding a happy tear.

With that, we ran towards the locker rooms.

Second person POV

Sneakily, you entered the boys’ locker room with quiet steps while Wanda stood by the door to keep lookout.

You looked through the shoes placed in front of the lockers, trying to see if you could recognize Johnny’s shoes to save time from going through each locker. You spotted the dirty white Nike Air Force 1 shoes that were a match to what Johnny usually wore, and you opened the locker and rummaged through what you recognized as his bag.

You went through every zipper, one by one, only to be disappointed to find nothing. Where could it be?

“Well look what we have here…” your head snapped behind you where the voice came from and you stiffened as you saw Johnny, standing there naked, bare chested with only a towel covering his manhood.

“Looking for this, sweets?” He asked mischievously, as he raised his hand where he held his phone. “Somehow I knew Wanda would send someone to show up and try stealing my phone from my locker, so I left P.E a bit earlier. Didn’t expect the teacher’s pet to show up though. Not that I’m complaining.”

You straightened your posture, nose flaring as you glared at him, “Delete Wanda’s pictures, Johnny. You have no right keeping them.”

Johnny only laughed at your attempt to make him listen, and you grew irritated, - angry even at how much less he could care of terrorizing a girl. “Fine! You leave me no choice. I’ll report to the principal about how you’re keeping nudes without consent. It’s an invasion of privacy, - a crime.”

Johnny’s face fell and turned sour at the thought. He tried to hide it as he chuckled darkly before he said, “Oh yeah? Well if you’re going to report me, I’ll send in a report of my own…” Before you could predict his next move, you heard the sound of a picture being taken as Johnny held his phone up.

Your eyes widened as you realized what he had done, and he amusingly snickered. “Wait until everyone hears how the teacher’s pet snuck into the men’s locker room and tried to get a glimpse of me naked. I’m sure it’ll make headlines on social media if that principal aunt of yours doesn’t do shit about it. It’ll ruin the school reputation if they don’t take invasion of privacy against boys seriously too.”

In shock, your mouth remained open and eyes almost popping out as you realized what situation you had gotten yourself in. You didn’t know what to say.

“Now you decide to shut your mouth, hm? What, the teacher’s pet has nothing to say anymore?”

“Johnny, please don’t…” you pleaded. He was right, - you had nothing else to say as you weren’t prepared for this to be the outcome at all. You were stuck, and now Johnny had a clear image of you in the men’s locker room, enough evidence to get you kicked out of school. This was such a bad idea.

Johnny had caught on your distress, and condescendingly added, “Hey, don’t look at me like that, baby. You don’t have to be sad. We can come with a compromise….”

You glared at him with suspicion, “What do you want?”

His eyes dropped down to your body, and he bit his lip as his mind went through a dirty path. You grimaced as it was visibly obvious what he was thinking, and you started to shake your head immediately. “No.”

“Baby, I haven’t even said anything.”

“But I do have an idea of what you will say. It’s not happening.” You said sternly.

He sighed, “Come on, no need to make a big deal out of it. All you gotta do is drop on your knees and give my cock some attention. After that, I’ll delete Wanda’s nudes and the ones I took of you just now. It’s so easy.”

You thought about it for a moment. Oral sex was never a big deal to you, but you weren’t exactly used to handing out blowjobs in exchange for something. You hated the idea of giving the bully pleasure for him to do something right, but it was in exchange of saving yours and Wanda’s future.

For once, you came to the conclusion of giving him head just to save yourself from more trouble.

“Fine. I’ll give you what you want if you delete those pics as soon as we’re done. And you better not tell a fucking soul about this.” You said the last part through gritted teeth.

Johnny smiled victoriously. “Deal.” He then put the phone in his locker securely, and made you move in front of him. “Follow me, baby. I know the perfect spot where we can have more ‘privacy’.” Johnny said, as he began to walk and have you follow him to the shower stalls. He picked the one furthest to the corner, and he gestured you to walk in first. You did hesitantly before he locked the door after him.

“On your knees…” Johnny ordered as you turned to face him. You did as he said, carefully placing yourself down on your bare knees, your face now in front of the tent that had formed around Johnny’s towel.

Johnny turned on the shower, and you shrieked when you felt a few droplets land on your head.

“Ugh, I’m going to get wet..” you complained through a whine, and Johnny snickered.

“I’m sure you will,…we don’t want anyone to come by and get suspicious of what we are doing here, do we? Now go on. We don’t have all day..”

You peeled off the towel he had wrapped around his waist, his cock springing free as you did so. You wanted to gasp at how big he was than you had anticipated, but you knew it would only stroke his ego more, and you didn’t want to give him that satisfaction.

“Liking the view?” He asked smugly, and you rolled your eyes.

“Shut up.” You muttered as you began to stroke him, making his head dip slightly back as his hand landed on the towel handle. You quickly began working by using your mouth, wrapping your plump lips carefully around his tip before you bobbed your head around his shaft. You spat on his cock once to make it more slicker for you to suck on properly.

“There you go…what a good girl. You take care of everything and help everyone when they are in need of aid. Now it’s time for you to help me, pet.” He purred, and started to buck his hips forward, fucking your mouth. You gagged at first, but got the hang of it after a few thrusts.

He grunted and closed his eyes with his mouth agape, enjoying the feel of your hot and wet mouth. “Mmh, fuck yes…so fucking good..” he moaned, trailing off the swear word more than usual.

“You’re the reason I keep harassing people, did you know that?” Johnny suddenly confessed, and you pulled a frown through your daze. “Yeah, I got bored from doing it a while back, but It’s the only way I get your attention. To be honest, I get kind of horny when you tell me off. You’re a feisty girl…I knew you would be good at this.”

You grew flushed at his confession, not believing your ears. While you weren’t obliged to do it, you cupped his heavy balls and massaged them, making him suck in a sharp breath as he took in the new sensation.

“Fuck, you’re a good friend for doing this…but I bet a part of you is enjoying this. You like sucking my fat cock, don’t you?”

You whimpered around him, and Johnny didn’t need an answer to that. “I know you do…I’m going to bust my nut and you’re going to swallow it all. Don’t want to make a mess on your pretty face.” He pulled your face forcefully and facefucked you until his grunts and gasps grew louder, finally orgasming and letting his cum shoot down your throat for you to have a taste of his substance. He tasted bitter, but it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. You gulped down every last drop with little effort.

“Drink it up, slut. That’s it,…such a good fucking pet.” Johnny grunted with a low voice. Once his grip loosened, you pulled away and wiped your mouth, giving him an annoyed look as you wanted more than anything to step out of the shower and complete Johnny’s part of the exchange.

Just then, you heard the noise of a door opening, and several male voices speaking amongst each other. Johnny held you back against the wall, his arm around your stomach with his other hand on your mouth.

“Damn, that last session was intense!” One of the boys exclaimed, and your stomach dropped as you realized it was the rest of the boys coming back from P.E.

Fucking damn it.

The steam from the hot water was getting thicker, and your baby blue top was becoming see-through from the moisture. Unbeknownst to you, while you were concentrated on keeping quiet, Johnny watched over your shoulder to take a peek at your breasts, your white bra being visible to his eye.

He bit his lip lustfully, and without warning he grabbed a handful of your breast, squeezing it through your bra. You whipped your head back with a glare, and Johnny had to hold back a snort.

Your glare was quickly replaced with the face of someone being sex dazed, with your lips being parted as he put his hand underneath your shirt, getting a handful of the soft flesh of your breast when he pulled your bra down below.

“Let me return the favor...” he whispered quietly into your ear as his hand left your breast and hoisted up your skirt. He began doing a circling motion onto your clit through your panties, making you throb with pleasure.

You nearly moaned, but Johnny’s other hand which he had placed on your mouth was a reminder that you couldn’t make a sound, - not when a whole bunch of other men were now occupying the locker rooms.

On top of that, his hot breath against your neck gave you tingles, and you put your arm around his neck as you lost all feel in your legs from the stimulation he was providing you with.

“Johnny, are you the one in there?” One of the guys asked, - you assumed one of Johnny’s buddies. “You’ve been in there forever..”

“Sorry guys, I’m going to be in here for a while. Been trying to find some good MILF porn to jack off to. Think I found the right video, and now I’m really going to enjoy myself…” He responded out loud as he began rubbing harder on your clit, and you let out a weak whimper involuntarily.

The whole locker room started bursting out laughing, and you internally rolled your eyes at how childish they were. You could hardly make a face though as he continued to stimulate your clit, his mouth on the skin of your neck as you could feel his smirk.

“Have fun with that, dude. We’re on our way out to catch an early bus. See ya tomorrow.” They greeted, and you heard the foot steps of the boys heading to the exit, the door finally shutting, leaving the two of you alone again.

Johnny proceeded to sneak a finger through the outline of your underwear, rubbing directly onto the sensitive skin of your pussy which made your head snap back onto his chest.

“Are you gonna cum, sweets? You probably haven’t had an orgasm in such a long time with how tense you always are…” Johnny claimed mockingly as he began sucking the skin on your neck, not for too long to leave hickeys but it felt certainly sensual. “You’re so fucking gorgeous. I always admire the view you provide, - showing off your pretty legs when you wear a skirt.”

“Johnny…” you moaned, almost babbling his name with how close you were getting off. His finger found your quivering hole, and with the use of his arm, he hooked one of your legs up to get better access.

His finger entered inside of you, and you let out a strained cry as your mind went almost blank before you.

“Call me daddy, baby girl. Only then I’ll let you cum…”

You shook your head and whimpered, denying his order in efforts of keeping your dignity.

“Say. it.” He commanded through a sharp whisper. He inserted a second finger, and he dug further in until it hit the spot, making you unravel completely.

“A-Ohh, - D-Daddy! ~” you moaned out desperately as you felt the pressure in your abdomen increase. “Please make me cum!”

He smirked, satisfied with your answer, and he granted your wish by continuously fingering onto your weak spot, until your body trembled and you came, your juices oozing out and onto his finger. You let him hold you up until you got down from your high, and with a shaken breath you stood up on your own, wiping your sweaty forehead as you looked behind you. You quickly put your bra and undies into place, suddenly feeling shameful even if there was no reason to as he had already seen everything.

Your eyes widened in shock when you witnessed him sucking off his finger clean, - the one coated with your stickiness.

“That was unnecessary.” You remarked breathlessly as you stepped out of the shower stall, and Johnny laughed as he followed you out.

“I think it was very necessary actually. You taste delicious.”

You were far too gone to be humored by him, you threw a dry towel at him as you took out his phone from the locker again. You stood there, with his phone in your hand. “The photos, Johnny. Delete them. Now.” You ordered firmly, and Johnny raised his arms up in defense.

“Okay, okay, calm your tits…I’ll do it now.” He said as he took his phone from you, typing in the password and let you with your very own eyes witness him deleting the images in his album before he deleted them permanently from the ‘deleted images’ folder.

“There. I deleted them, just like I promised you. I can be a good person when I want to be, baby.”

“Knock off calling me that.” You spat at him as you tried to straighten your wetted skirt. “And that doesn’t put you in a better light.”

“I can be good permanently, - but only exclusively to you, babe.” Johnny said huskily as he walked past you to go to his locker and put on some clothes. “Let me take you on a date and I’ll consider apologizing to the nerd you always rescue.”

You scoffed in response as if it was a dumb joke. “Not a chance, Johnny. Just so you know, if you tell anyone about this, I’m going to bring hell upon you.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. You can trust your daddy to keep his mouth sealed, baby girl.” Johnny responded while winking at you.

“You’re not my -! Ugh, you’re unbelievable!” You bursted out, before you angrily left and slammed the boys locker room behind you.

All in the meanwhile, Johnny dried his body with the towel, muttering to himself ‘you sure are,’ as he grinned with pride.

You walked out of the school building from the back entrance, avoiding being seen as you were still soaked from head to feet. Luckily it was a hot day, which helped you in getting dry before you reached home.

You stepped into the house and went straight to your room where you plopped into bed, groaning into your pillow as you realized what had went through today.

Minutes later you checked your phone, opening your messages to see what Wanda had sent.

♦️Wanda♦️

Hi, did you get the phone? A teacher caught me in the hallway and sent me back to my classroom, so I couldn’t stand for long. :(( Hope everything turned out well.

Y/N L/N (Me)

Hey! The phone wasn’t in the locker room, so I waited for Johnny to walk out and I told him to delete the photos, to which he did. :)

You’re safe! ♥️

♦️Wanda♦️

Oh, thank god. 😪 For a moment I was worried you were caught in there…

Anyway OMG that’s great!! 🥹♥️ Thank you so much for making him delete them. You’re a life savior!! Coffee at Starbucks is on me next time!

You owe me so much more than a Starbucks coffee, was all you could think, but then again you had agreed to Johnny’s dirty agreement when you could have maybe come with a different solution.

Finally you put your phone down as you let out a defeated sigh. You felt bad for lying to Wanda, but you would rather be caught dead than admit what had actually happened in the locker room.

Y/N’s POV

As I walked through the hallway to my locker in the morning, I could already eye something unusual. A pink bag with a rose taped onto it was tied around the locker, making my face scrunch at the unexpected romantic gesture.

There was no name tag but I already knew who could have put it up on my locker.

Johnny.

It just has to be him, I guessed confidently.

The note that came with it further proved my suspicion right.

‘Cheers to being each other’s dirty secret.’

I quickly shoved the note into my pocket, embarrassed I had even read that.

Jake came by just then together with Wanda, and both of their jaws dropped when they eyed the package.

“Oooo, a secret admirer!” Jake teased over my shoulder, and I groaned as I lowered my head.

“Please, just don’t.” I almost whined, not wanting to get into it but I knew Wanda and Jake wouldn’t leave it there so easily.

We started to walk towards our classrooms, and they were already keeping the topic afloat.

“So, who do you think it’s from?” Wanda asked, seeing as there was no note, - not to her knowledge anyway.

“Probably some weirdo.” I replied with a shrug.

“Aren’t you going to see what’s in the bag?” Jake asked, wondering why I hadn’t given it a glance.

“I don’t want it. You can keep whatever’s in it.” I said.

He opened the package with care, and brought out the item. “Chocolate,” Jake mumbled as he studied the heart shaped box. “…sure you don’t want it?”

“Yes. I don’t eat chocolate unless I’m on my period. I get acne all over my face otherwise.” I explained, and Jake shrugged, convinced enough that he could have a piece.

“Give me some of that too. I want some.” Wanda pleaded, and Jake gave her the box once he had a handful in his palm.

As for the rose, I felt too bad to throw it out. I ended up putting it on an empty vase by the window of my classroom.

While I worked on our given exercise of the day, I couldn’t help but feel flustered every now and then as I glanced at the rose.

Was it really true what he had said yesterday?

The part where he said the only reason why he bullies is to get my attention?

It was the least I had expected to be the reasoning behind his taunting. All this time I had thought maybe he had it bad back at home, — that he had major mommy/daddy issues. Come to think of it, he might have that if he was craving attention of someone like me, - where our only interaction with each other was through my scolding.

Regardless of the psychological reasoning behind Johnny’s crush towards me, I wasn’t going to entertain the thought of us becoming something, knowing he was a remorseless asshole by the end of the day.

At least, he would remain that way until he proves otherwise.

Luckily I had been able to avoid Johnny as he had been out of sight. When the school hours ended, Wanda invited me to have Starbucks coffee like she had promised.

A few hours passed by and I returned home late in the evening. I hadn’t checked my phone since the last hour of school, and when my Lock Screen lit up, I frowned at the several messages I had received from an unknown number.

I sat down on the couch comfortably and checked out the messages.

Unknown number (possibly Johnny Storm)

Hey, TP. ♥️😏

Why did you give the chocolate to the nerd? 😑

I saw you kept the rose tho. Nice place to put it by the window where you’re sitting. Glad you liked it. ;))

I groaned tiredly. ‘TP’? Really?

I began to type my response.

Y/N L/N (Me)

🙄🙄🙄🙄

How did you get my number?

Johnny Storm

I might have sneaked into your classroom during break and taken a peek at the student phone catalogue inside your teacher’s desk drawer…

Keyword: might have. 👀

Y/N L/N (Me)

Sure. 🤨 I’ll just block your number then.

The three dots were fast to appear on the screen, and before I could put my phone away, a new message appeared from Johnny.

Johnny Storm

NOOOO!! - C’mon, don’t be mean. 🥺

Y/N L/N (Me)

You’re one to talk. 😒

What do you want?

This time he took longer to type out, - assumingely writing a longer message this time.

Johnny Storm

Just wanna know if you’ve changed your mind about that date. There’s this really nice place I want to take you to. You’ll like it, I promise. 😘

I’ll also apologize to your friend - regardless if you accept my invite or not.

I was being a noisy prick, - I’ll admit that. Boredom makes me do dumb things.

But hey, at least it led you to me. ;)

I held back a snort.

The confidence of this guy. It was baffling, but I couldn’t lie and say it wasn’t a smidge charming. His self reflection was also somewhat refreshing.

Y/N L/N (Me)

Apologize to Jake too and I’ll consider it.

Only then I’ll let you speak to me. But first you gotta go through your part of the agreement.

Johnny Storm

Okay, cool! I won’t let you down, TP 😚

Nightie, baby girl 💫♥️

I smirked as I bit my bottom lip unknowingly, butterflies swirling in my stomach as it was unfamiliar yet pleasing to receive a farewell message from a boy who was interested in me. Someone who was actually willing to correct his wrongs to have a chance with me. Why did it feel so good?

Yet, despite the cute message he had sent me with the heart emoji and a wishing star, I replied dryly, not wanting to give him the impression he had won my heart just yet. He had to prove himself.

Y/N L/N (Me)

Night.

The morning after I met Wanda by the main hallway as per usual, though this time it looked like she had seen a ghost with how shocked of an expression she wore.

“Y/N, the strangest thing happened this morning…” Wanda began. “Johnny…he -“

“Y/N, you won’t believe what happened to me just now.” Jake interrupted our conversation as he came over to us, but we let him with how his bewildered expression intrigued us. “Johnny apologized to me. Like, he said he was sorry for treating me like shit these past years and said he hopes I forgive him. Can you believe that?”

“No way! He said that to you too? I was just about to tell Y/N how he said the same thing to me this morning…” Wanda said.

While Jake and Wanda shared looks of complete awe, I held back a smile of pride.

He actually did it, I thought.

When class started, I sent Johnny a quick message.

Y/N L/N (Me)

Meet me behind the building after school.

Johnny Storm

That sounds suggestive.

Gonna reward me? ;)

I grumbled under my breath, aggressively typing my response.

Y/N L/N (Me)

No you idiot. 😑 We’re gonna talk like we agreed.

Johnny Storm

Sounds good either way. :)

I quickly put my phone away, blushing a little as I tried my best to suppress my excitement. This bastard was really making me feel things I usually don’t feel, and I stubbornly held a grudge against it.

I was aware it was childish, but it was too much in his favor, and that I disliked. Still, it interested me in getting to know this side of Johnny who wasn’t mean nor influenced by his so-called buddies.

The final bell rang at 03:00 PM, and I excused myself away from Wanda, walking the other way out to meet the tall blonde.

Johnny stood behind the building like we agreed, staring at his phone expectantly. Then he looked up and made a toothy grin as he spotted me.

“Proud of me, baby?” He asked smugly while I made my way over to him.

“Come on, what you did was the bare minimum of human decency…” I replied unbothered. He pouted, and I quickly added, “- but a deal is a deal. I’m giving you a chance.”

His pout was replaced with a smile, and he leaned in with his face, his lips approaching the closest, making my eyes widen as I pushed him back.

“Woah, not so fast. You gotta take me on that date first.” I said.

Johnny’s eyebrows furrowed, “I literally fingered you in a public shower after you gave me a blowjob. I think we’re past that, don’t you think?” He asked, finding my limits to be confusing.

I narrowed an eye, as if I was beginning to question my decision of giving him a chance, and he immediately retorted with, “You know what, - Nevermind. We can go slow.”

Truth be told, I felt a little awkward as he wasn’t wrong. It could come off as strange to be so carefree about sex and not want to kiss at the same time, but I did have a reason.

“I just…I like to think kissing is the most intimate thing two people can do. Sex isn’t of much importance to me as it can go without passion but you can’t like kissing without feeling something, you know?” I tried to explain.

He nodded his head, “No I get it. You’re scared of how easily you’ll fall for me me once I show you how great of a kisser I am. Don’t worry, - I like you playing hard to get anyways. Gets me horny.”

I gasped at his audacity and hit his shoulder, “You perverted asshole! You’re always thinking with your dick!” In response he laughed, finding my reaction to be hilarious as I started to walk away. He followed and caught up to me by jogging.

“C’mon, I’m just playing with ya! At least partially!” He defended himself. “I’ll walk you home. We can plan out our date on the way.” Johnny offered.

At that moment, I hadn’t considered how far this relationship would go. Let’s just say it wouldn’t be the last time Johnny walked me home.

N/A: Public sex & Johnny goes so perfectly well together, I can’t even begin to explain how much. Thank you for reading!

Hearts & Reblogs are very appreciated! <3

[meruz]

Lightbox Expo 2023 is over!! Thank you to everyone who stopped by the table. I can't believe I sold out of both my sketchbooks AND my digimon fanbook... (multiple prints too?!)! I'm incredibly grateful... I will have a 2nd print run of both sketchbooks and online orders for the digimon book up in the next couple weeks so please keep an eye out for that!

More gushing abt the weekend under the cut

I sell at an average of idk... 3-4 events a year? So I would consider myself a frequent congoer though not necessarily full time lol. I'm a little jaded like it's not that I don't enjoy going to cons but theres definitely a bunch that feel like just-another-con-weekend to me lol, sometimes it's more work than play I guess. But this con felt really different! For the first time in a while I left a convention feeling really thrilled and giddy that I had been there. The kind of feeling I used to get when I would table at anime cons in highschool! And I think a lot of that is the people I met and talked to and the overall vibes at the event. Oh also I literally just had surgery and going to this con is like the only thing ive done this week besides lay in bed and play Story of Seasons on the nintendo switch and I thought I would be in pain and miserable but actually I HAD SO MUCH FUN...!!!! even when i skipped after-hours socializing every night to go home early and sleep 12 hours lol. SO ANYWAYS. YEAH. IT'S CORNY. BUT I wanna say thank you again to everyone who stopped by the table. Especially all the coworkers and long time mutuals who I met in person for the first time this weekend!! And the long time followers who told me they have been following me since homestuck or naruto or whenever. And college classmates who I haven't seen since graduation, crazy talented underclassmen who I'd never met but stopped by to say hi... So many people who absolutely made my day. SPECIAL thank you to my table partner Emi who is the best and such a good sport and accommodating to the point that I feel ridiculous when she thanks me for anything. And um also thank you to the artists who were cool and nice when I went up to their tables and blurted out 24917596 compliments in rapid succession. or only got one really awkward compliment out to LMAO... I felt so inspired and awe struck by everyone's work! God it was just so cool to be there. I LOVE ART....

Ok yeah thats it. its been a while since ive written a post-con blog post so earnestly lol.. here's my obscene haul photo I was buying stuff at this con like I was dying and couldn't take it with me LMAO.

I'm not gonna go tag everyone because I don't think everyones on tumblr but if you dont mind doing a little google search legwork: big x-men prints from chase conley, prints from jacki li/bguavas, azusa tojo, xanthe bouma, nicodaboy, susan yung, hormstuck, nessa tweneboah, linda liu, ash tahilan, zines also from jason dwyer, ash tahilan, aprilyn cunanan, veggiecakeface, deb lee, dune5and, uhh yoichi nishikawa art book and parakid calendar, stickers again from ash, marie lum, hormstuck, chiou, and emi hartana/crowlets OKAY I THINK I COVERED EVERYTHING THANKS FOR READING

[p0rkbun]

APACHE TEARS┊❝Happy Birthday.❞ Chapter 01

─ Sam Carpenter x OC

Synopsis: Alexis forgets her birthday, but she didn't forget to visit her childhood best friend.

Content warnings: bad writing, slow burn, mention of being chased by a dog, original characters, not proofread, other than that there's nothing too serious.

Word count: 3.4k

Before Alexis left Woodsboro, she lived her childhood in the town that was known for its murders in the 90s. Something like that—you don’t expect to live an ordinary life, would you?

A very slim chance you would have a life with no mishaps in a town like that. Even though it has been eleven years since the last murders happened, some crimes occur every now and then. People doing drugs, accidents, assaults, attempted murder, and more. Despite these occurrences, Alexis had gone on with her life, trying to avoid anything that might make her life miserable, and she did. She was smart enough to avoid anything suspicious, including not answering calls from strangers, not going out late at night, having protection, and knowing when someone is planning to mug you.

It was common sense; even a half-brain would know this!

But Alexis wasn’t lucky. Her efforts were all in vain, because not even intuition could stop any misfortune sent to her. Not only did she never felt safe, but she never had any expectations for her own solace.

One day, she caught a blue butterfly around the playground when she was a young girl. The insect had beautiful blue wings—not something you’d see every day—along with its rapid wings that Alexis almost failed to keep up with. The young girl stared at the insect with interest and fascination, wanting to take it home. She didn't, since she knew keeping a butterfly would not last, so she released the creature.

It wasn’t long until a stray and horrifying dog plunged its canine teeth onto the butterfly, ripping its small wings in an instant. The wrecked beauty was nowhere to be seen, already evaporated and chewed by the rabid animal.

Alexis only stared in shock before she took off, frantically fleeing from the dog chasing the poor girl.

Before she knew it, the memories of her first sight of horror were nothing but a faint memory that left her story of how she has cynophobia. Thinking about it now, she thought about how easily a dog can rip a small creature to shreds, thus scaring another one. It was the same thing with humans.

You can easily take someone’s life; for what cause? For your own survival? Pleasure? Revenge? A relief for your buried anger erupting within yourself?

No matter the reasons, the act of killing someone was immoral and will always be something that’s kept with you until the day you breathe your last breath. Even after death.

Years went by in the blink of an eye. Alexis was no longer a little girl but a drowsy looking freshman in college in Modesto, California. She felt like going back to her dorm to sleep, feeling regret seeping in after she accepted the offer from a friend to hang out.

“Aw you already cut your hair? Lame, I already miss your long hair." The charming-looking boy gives Alexis a teasing grin. “You told me to do something new for myself, didn’t you?” Alexis replies with a sigh to Jesse.

Jesse was the first person she met when she moved to Modesto for her college, he was smiley and handsome-looking, and he knew how to dress neatly even for casual hangouts. Coincidentally, the boy was assigned as her roommate. If you met him, he’d be someone with a bit of an obnoxious exterior, but he’s not a bad guy. He’s pretty considerate, Alexis honestly had thoughts of him liking her because of how abnormally nice he is, the other part is him possibly being an asshole underneath that grin. Not the case; however, he's just... slow sometimes.

“Yeah but I didn’t know you were gonna cut your hair!” He exclaimed, “Dude, everybody was literally telling you how long and pretty your hair looked, they’re gonna be devastated if they see you now.” Alexis glances at Jesse “I’m sure it’s not that serious. It’s a matter of time anyway. I don’t know why I kept my hair that long, I feel so much light now.” 

“Really? Did having long hair feel heavy?” Jesse asks with genuine curiosity.

“Of course it does,” Alexis said, her face contorted with irritation. “Could you leave the questions later? Where are we even going?” Jesse lets out a sheepish chuckle at the girl’s response.

“Okay, alright! C’mon grumps” He held Alexis’ sleeve and led her to wherever their destination was.

She didn’t pay attention to where Jesse led her; in an instant, they were at a small shop. The sign was detailed in black, and the exterior was full white. They both stepped in and met with the sight of accessories and items. All of them are for school, studying, or just for looking nice via keychains, pins, desk lamps, and more.

“Woah, i didn’t know they had something like this here,” Alexis says with surprise. She looks back up to Jesse “Is this some kind of thing you’re doing to get a date with me?” Jesse snorts. “No way! I know you’re not into me.” 

“Then what’s the occasion?”

"C'mon, Al, it’s your birthday!” Alexis blinks at him.

“....It is?” The younger girl thinks, and finally realization hits her. "Shit, I forgot...”

Jesse lets out a small laugh and nudges her arm “That’s kinda funny, how’d you forget your own birthday? Did you not celebrate a lot?” Before Alexis could answer him, Jesse drags her to a shelf and picks out a keychain of a cute looking brown bear. “Cute, right?”

She stares at the pin, rubbing the surface a bit as she inspects it. "Yeah," she mumbles, a wave of nostalgia washing over her. “Weird…I remember getting something like this on my birthday.” The taller boy hums. “A pin?” Alexis shakes her head lightly. "No, the bear.” Jesse stared at her with a perplexed look before he spoke, and his words made Alexis laugh. “You got a bear for your birthday?”

“No, it was a..." Her voice trails before she hums as she tries to recall what it was that reminded her of years ago. 

"Actually, I’m not so sure.”

“Happy birthday!” A young girl exclaims with a small gift box in her hands. Ten-year-old Alexis accepts the gift by taking it in her hands. She lifts her head to look at her friend. “You remembered my birthday?” The girl nods and smiles.

Tara was Alexis’ friend, her first and best friend, and she still is as she grows older. She met Tara at the playground when they were about six or seven. Alexis was a year older than Tara, but that didn’t change their close relationship with one another. Tara was the only friend who wanted to talk to her and hang out with her almost every day. 

“How could I forget?” She giggles; she holds Alexis’ hand while walking her back into the house. “You got me a bracelet a few months ago when it was my birthday; I wanted the both of us to match!” She beams with happiness when she sees Alexis’ small smile. “But that bracelet was pretty expensive; how’d you manage to buy the same one?” This causes the shorter girl to stammer a bit. "Well….I kinda begged Sam to buy it."

“Tara!”

“What?” Alexis sighs at her. This girl…

“Why’d you have to bother your sister?” She puts the bracelet on her wrist. The bracelet had small fake pearls on it, along with the green-colored string. Honestly, Alexis would consider it a scam since it was too expensive for its looks; it looked pretty, but it didn’t match the price. She only realized that after buying the thing. “It’s fine! Sam didn’t mind, i think...  besides she likes you; she even bought you your favorite soy milk on the way home.” Tara says this and hands her friend a soy milk box.

Alexis looks at the box and feels a small burst of joy in her heart. She rarely gets to see Sam, her best friend’s older sister, but she always made her feel comfortable when they were together. She found the older girl cool and sweet; she was a little quiet and scary at times, but it felt nice knowing Sam didn’t mind her. Things have been different for the last year for some reason. She was more distant, but that wasn’t weird for Alexis; she knew people change and get busy sometimes.

Alexis sends Tara an appreciative look before speaking “Could you tell her thanks?”

Tara frowns at the girl. “Hey! You didn’t say ‘thank you’ to me!” She huffs.

“Thank you, you brat.” Alexis rolls her eyes and receives a pinch from Tara for her response. “Ouch stop!” She hisses and pinches Tara back, earning a squeal from the shorter girl. “Ow! I got you a gift and this is what you repay me?!” Alexis dodged Tara’s hand when she tried to pinch her again.

The two ran back to Alexis’ house while giggling and squealing; it wasn’t rare when Tara visited her house. She seems to like being there more than her own home, especially nowadays. Alexis always got her to watch movies or play together.

Alexis snaps out of her daydream and finds herself resting her head on the desk. Memories of her childhood lives fresh in her mind; the ones she could remember vividly were with her best friend. The only memories she wished she could have visited again, being a kid again at least. Everything used to feel so much lighter. Only now, Alexis didn’t wake up and rode her bike around the neighborhood without any worries. Everything was so different; she feels like it was yesterday when she was spending most of her time watching horror movies and hanging out with her best friend. Crazy huh? You never thought time would pass so fast.

The next thing you were a happy kid, not knowing much about the world, until you grew up feeling bitter about things. Sometimes you wish you were a dumb kid who doesn’t know any better again.

Tara sent you a message.

Tara ♥️: Happy birthday lexi

Tara ♥️: I wish I got you something :( I know you’re busy and stuff. You gonna come to visit?

Alexis smiles at the text.

Lex: Yeah I will dw

Lex: Now stop being sad, be ready tmr Im gonna visit my dad first before you

Tara ♥️: Im not first? Wowww i thought im your first in everything. Finally over your best friend huh

Lex: Cmon you know I love you, I just love my dad more

Tara ♥️: You’re an asshole come quick before i hate you forever

Lex: You won’t

On the other side of the screen, Tara's lips curled into a bright smile. After a few months, she finally got to see her best friend again. It hasn’t been long, but it felt like a while for Tara, and it made her anxious. Alexis knew Tara wouldn’t like this distance between them, especially after…

No, let’s not.

But Alexis didn’t have a choice nonetheless; her dad didn’t want her in that town, and deep inside, she agreed with him. She could have brought Tara with her, but she doesn’t really have the requirements currently. So they both settled, visiting Tara once or twice every few months until she could kidnap her and put her in her pocket to live with her in Modesto. Doing it in a friendly way, of course.

Before leaving, Alexis decides to take a trip to the convenience store to buy some things for her ride. Driving came to mind, but she brushed it off, thinking it was too much of a hassle, and decided to take the bus instead.

Upon arriving at the store and stepping in, her mind wonders as she browses through the shelves, picking up a drink and a small snack. She thinks about how Tara’s been doing without her for the past few months. Alexis had the tendency to worry about the younger girl, even if she had others with her back at Woodsboro. Her thought was cut short when another person came to mind.

“hm…I wonder where Sam is and how she’s doing now.” She mumbles to herself; eventually, she purchases her drink and snack before exiting the store to wait for the bus.

How long has it been since Alexis saw Sam? She doesn’t know; she forgot when the older girl disappeared so suddenly. How did she even feel? She doesn’t remember.

With each passing day, Alexis would sometimes wonder what Sam was doing. Probably living her life peacefully without any disquietude. Or not.

The sound of a text message makes her stop halfway to the bus station. Alexis pulls out her phone to see Jesse’s message pop up.

Hey sorry but I left something somewhere and I’m a bit busy right now to get it.

I know you’re going to visit your family today but could you get my headphones and hold on to them for a while until you get back? Its at the bowling alley, you know, the one next to the gas station. Thanks 😀

This little…

Whatever, only 15 minutes remain until the bus arrives. This wouldn’t be so bad; make it really quick.

Alexis jogs to the bowling alley and enters through the door while receiving a greeting from a tall girl at the desk. “Welcome to Cardinal Lanes; how may I help you?” As Alexis approaches the desk, she takes in the tall girl’s appearance for a moment.

She was tall and had her black hair with brown highlights tied into a bun. Her eyes were dark brown, and she had tan skin, along with a rather expressionless face when Alexis entered, but a small smile formed on her face to be appealing and polite.

"Hi, sorry, a friend of mine left something here. Headphones with light-green and grayish colors?” Alexis rushed, not wanting to miss the bus; her voice was breathless from running.

The tall girl nods. “Oh yeah sure, I think I know what you’re talking about. Wait for a moment, miss.” She disappears into the back room for a moment before coming back with Jesse’s headphones.

“Here–” Alexis cuts her off, “Thanks so much—sorry I’m in a rush." She takes the headphones from her and pauses to look up at the woman.

Alexis can’t help but feel sympathy for the stranger; she looked tired as if she’s been working all day every day. Yet she tried to put on an expression to look winsome for the place’s policy and pleasing customer service—something like that.

A rush of thoughts swirled in Alexis’ mind. Funny how she was in a rush, but for some reason she wanted to make this stranger’s day a bit better. This always happens; at the most critical moments, most times, Alexis has this thing of wanting to cheer a stranger up when she sees them down. She knew she needed to mind her own business about whatever miserable thing was going on with somebody unknown to her in their lives. But would you cheer up this tall, pretty, and downhearted-looking girl even if you’re in a rush?

Shit what the hell do I do? What am I doing? I don’t have any time for this. But she looks kinda sad. What the hell…okay stop staring at her like a weirdo.

The tall girl furrows her brows in confusion at Alexis, feeling a bit anxious and flustered at this random Asian girl staring in silence.

“Is there something wrong, Miss?” She asks while her dark brown eyes linger on Alexis.

Alexis blinks and averts her gaze for a split second. “Um yeah, sorry uh…” She stammers before swiftly pulling out a bear pin that she bought that morning and placing it firmly in the stranger’s hands. “Sorry uhm, here’s something of my gratitude for your service—thanks again, bye!” Before she could reply anything back, Alexis had already bolted out of the bowling alley.

The bowling alley attendant frowns at what just happened. She looks at the pin in her hands, her expression puzzled. Weird girl…. she thought. Unknown to Alexis, she probably made someone’s day a little better with her small act of kindness.

Upon arriving at Woodsboro, Alexis feels a sense of familiarity with the town. As much as she doesn’t like it, she misses some of the aspects of the place.

Throughout the ride, Alexis felt the need to jump out of the bus and into a ditch because of her awkwardness earlier. Being back at the place where she grew up took her mind off that for a while.

“Hey dad,” Alexis says to the phone with a bright smile, feeling excited to see her father again after months.

“Lexi? Honey, hey, how are you?” Dewey’s voice was heard through the phone, his soft tone making Alexis smile wider.

“I’m doing fine; I’m visiting you today.” Silence fell momentarily; this made Alexis a little nervous before Dewey spoke again.

“Honey…I told you not to come here.” He sighs through the phone, making Alexis feel a little guilty. “I know but I just wanted to see you." She responded as she walked along the sidewalk; it still brightened out as the sunlight hit Alexis’ face, causing her to squint. “I’m only visiting for a few days; I’m planning to stay at Tara’s house.”

“Oh Alexis…  you know I don’t like that.”

“What’s wrong? I thought you like Tara?” Her response causes him to exhale deeply. "You have to understand that even though I like her and she’s nice for you, I find it difficult to get a good night's sleep knowing that you are here at someone else's house." Alexis lets out a small sigh as she listens to her father’s words.

“I’m not staying at ‘somone’s’ house,” “I know, I know." "Dad, c’mon...”

Dewey goes silent for a bit, waiting for what his daughter has to say. “Dad… I know a lot has happened here, and a lot has happened with you and me as well, but things aren’t like that anymore. It’s been ten years, and nothing strange has happened—no ghostfaces, no killers. I’m not blaming you for being paranoid, but I want to spend time with you without the thought of another murder happening.” 

“I just wanted to see you. Don't you miss me, dad?” Alexis’ words hit Dewey like tree logs crushing a brittle shed. He lets out a sigh before chuckling a bit.

“You didn’t have to say that to your old man; of course I missed you.” He smiles on the other side of the phone before continuing, “Alright, I’ll let you stay, but you’ll leave first thing in the morning on your last day, and make sure to see me.”

Alexis hums. “I will. I’m going to go see you right now, later, Dad.”

“Stay safe, sweetheart.” With that, Alexis hung up and was about to continue walking until she was met with familiar black hair in her sight.

The girl stood in front of her with a grin—Alexis could recognise that smile everywhere. She didn’t expect her to be the first face she'd see once she stepped into this morbid town.

“Well, look who’s back in town.” She laughs, grinning wider, and steps closer to Alexis. “Haven’t seen you in a while; it’s nice seeing you again.” She said in a low tone, her voice sounded sweet.

Alexis gave Amber an acknowledging and surprised expression. She feels a tingly feeling in her stomach—not a good one. It’s a feeling similar to when someone you aren’t that fond of meets you on your way to your destination. Or when a teacher calls your name to ask a question about the lesson you learned but didn’t bother to remember, feeling like your heart stopped for a second. She feels dread for some unknown reason; she always has bad energy whenever she’s with Amber. It’s not because she’s sort of got this bad girl's agenda or that she has a violent way of expressing anger.

Amber is awfully nice to Alexis, and she doesn’t like that. 

If somebody is nice to you, you wouldn’t be feeling a sense of dread. So, why?

It’s always been like this with them; Alexis always felt something was wrong with that girl, and it’s a little messed up to think that.

“What’s with that face?” Amber tilts her head, her eyes lingering on Alexis.

Alexis needed to make this quick before she vomits from anxiety.

— Note: thank you if you managed to read this whole ridiculous thing 🥹 You're probably wonder about Amber and Alexis, they have a complicated relationship which will be revealed more into the story. I'll have to make a new character biography for Alexis soon lol.

[artfightdramaconfessions]

unimportant rant i need to get off my chest and throw to the void bc i think my friends are tired of hearing me complain lol but i think the thing about the tag search that gets me is how disheartening it is to even FIND other people's characters within a certain tag now. i do understand where its good in the sense that any "new" ocs wouldve automatically been first with a chronological search burying others that have been there for years, but im looking in a specific fandom tag and ill have to refresh the page 2-3 times sometimes just to get a new set of characters. which i know there is a lot of ocs in the tag too its not one with like 5 people it just feels incredibly limiting? like its just rng at this point and i have to wonder how many cool characters are being buried underneath the ones ive seen 5 times in the last 7 refreshes. and (admittedly my very selfish) other thought is wondering will anyone see my characters either. (i dont think so highly of myself that im assuming if someone sees my ocs theyll draw them, but it feels like there isnt even really a chance anymore for that to happen) literally a test of patience now also it kinda sucks for those of us that dont use the discord or have a social following or something. i know the easy answer to this problem ill be told is just "apply to hitlists" or "talk in the discord" but i dont want to have to play a social game and navigate a place people are always complaining about for good reason or do basically oc job applications (and i dont think anyone should HAVE TO) just to have their ocs found on the actual website. that they submit them to. and tag to be found. for people to be able to find and view and draw. i do intend to attack people first (and i dont expect revenges back or anything like that, i know that the point of artfight is to have fun drawing other peoples characters and i absolutely will even if i get 0 art in return) but thats not the point. it just feels bad you have to jump through hoops to even find other characters to have fun drawing and giving people art in the first place. straight up miserable to get to the fun part at this point. not gonna let it ruin it for me but i get frustrated every time i go looking to find ocs i want to draw (and im always proved right because i keep finding new ocs when i check on different days so im sure im still missing more)

.

[character-of-all-time]

Now that the submissions are closed, were there any funny submissions that topped the previously stated funny submissions?

I might end up publishing the full response list to browse through at your leisure and so that someone else can seek out the hee hoo funny ha has rather than making myself go through all 1522 again, but I would like to highlight a few submissions that stuck with me:

character: Sam Winchester

from: supernatural

why?: oh COME ON. ur gonna make me defend sam fucking winchester as the most character of all time?? he literally has bangs. he died at 23. he died at 26. he died a lot of other times too but those are the most important ones. he's jesus and he's the antichrist and he gets placed on a visual crucifix too many times to count. he's an addict and he's a christian and god is making his life miserable on a personal level. he is wholeheartedly convinced that there are other people who "have it worse" than him (he was tortured by satan for centuries). again he HAS bangs. he's been possessed too many times to ever feel like his body is his own. he's in a constant cycle of being beaten down and KNOWING he shouldn't get back up, and not wanting to get back up, and getting back up anyway like a kicked puppy who thinks maybe this time they won't get kicked. never ever gives up but in a sad and pathetic way that makes u feel vaguely nauseous. he's psychic. he bought a ring for his girlfriend while they were still in college. he went to stanford. he's unclean in the biblical sense but he prays every night. he had a queer allegory arc spanning multiple seasons that people ignore so they can claim he's cishet. he totally fucked a 300-year-old witch while studying under her to become a witch himself. everyone he has ever loved is dead and he knows it's his fault. he spends the first few decades of his life angry -- SO angry -- at everything he's been put through, full of rage at the things he's suffered and the people who caused them. he is punished for this fury, taught to never be angry again, and after a while he just lies down and takes it. he is a serial killer and on the fbi's most wanted list. he uses "low sodium" as an insult. he's a vegetarian. he never drives his father's car. he has demon blood flowing through his veins and his best friend is a literal biblical angel. he's an abomination. he thinks that hope is kind of the whole point. he has BANGS. he killed his brother several times over, and he destroyed the world to bring his brother back to life a few times too. he spent time in a psych ward. he thinks he is terribly hard to love. his mother destroyed his life before he was even born and he still calls her "mama." he died at 23. he was kicked out of the house when he was 18, and then was kicked out of basically everywhere else for the rest of his life. his only family locked him in a panic room and left him to die. he forgave them for that because he doesn't know how to do anything but forgive. he's got bangs. anyway

what do you want?: u KNOW what i want. if my best friend sam doesn't win this bracket i'm crashing my car into the world's tallest and thickest tree

--------------

character: jesse pinkman

from: breaking bad

why?: Well.Well. i. so. hes THE character okay he was created in gods eyes only to be sculpted and changed by the wrath of satan (or the other way around). Its jesse pinkman. have you ever watched 5 seasons of a grown man with cancer abusing another grown man in order to support his family who hate him because of the way hes trying to support them (drugdealing)?No? well i need you to and then come back to me. jesses relationship with the aforementioned Grown man with cancer (walter white) is so multidimensional you could refer to jesse as walters affair, student, victim, partner in crime, son figure etc and it would be RIGHT because they are all encompassing and fucked up. and jesse loses everything and he cries and hes so emotional but he PREVAILS. he prevails and he precedes walter and all the toxically masculine men who hated him, who convinced him was less than who he was. and the dog motif!!!!! hes a loyal dog but his owner has been slowly feeding him poison, to break him down slowly, and its killing him so he BITES because it hurts and they all talk about the rabid dog he is, how badly the owner needs to put him down. and then his owner gives him away to much worse men, owners who wont feed him the poison slowly, but will beat and use him relentlessly. and then his old owner is going to die and he knows it and he needs to secured his reputation and put everything in place. he saves the dog and kills the dogs new owners. he BEGS for his dog to kill him, to kill him like he had done to the dog. but this dog is not like any of his owners, hw will never be. so he barks and says that he should do it himself and he RUNS. hes crying and whimpering but hes not getting beaten or poisoned anymore, hes a free dog and its up to him to make his own future without the influence of evil owners. THAT'S jesse Pinkman. hes the bride of heisenburg hes the dog motif and he loves and loves and protects animals and kids because he couldn't protect himself and he wins with tears in his eyes. um also hes trans so ^ hasnt watched this show in like 7 months i have mo idea what im talking about

what do you want?: one billion dollars

------

who: Victor frankenstein

from: Mary shelley frankenstein

why?: I don't remember anything about this book except for the incredible and relatable line of 'I raveged an oatcake' cos God man me too

what do you want?: An oatcake

-----

who: sphagnum moss

from: real life

why: Love that bitch. They are light and hold moisture well. and they also form peat bogs when they die which is swag

what do you want?: To be turned into a zebra mussel and sleep in a Marimo moss ball and not have to worry about relationships or taxes

-------

who: Guy Montag

from: Fahrenheit 451

why?: he kills his boss with fire which i think is pretty cool and something we can all aspire to. i also want him to be in an online popularity contest because i want ray bradburys head to explode from beyond the grave

what do you want?: prove life after death so i can destroy ray bradbury’s soul

[frecklystars]

i still feel absolutely fucking nothing for my f/os and im so depressed and i wanna die and my birthday is friday and i hate my birthday and i just. rahh. i wanna self ship again. thats it!! i just wanna self ship again thats literally all i want to do!! but instead ive been in and out of the hospital every couple of weeks bc i'm having so many panic attacks that make me feel like im going to die

i am so fucked up from all the bullshit i was put through these last 2 years that i cannot fucking function, i am so paranoid all the time that anyone who interacts with me is out to get me because they [redacted reasons i cannot publicly state]. it doesnt matter if ive known someone for 1 day or 10 years, i dont trust anyone online anymore. i dont trust anyone who's nice to me because so many times it was people with malicious intentions. i dont fucking trust any TF blogs, ive been blocking any TF blog who interacts with me On Sight from all the shit that ppl from that fandom put me through.

there's 600 new inbox messages now and i havent opened any of them. people are sending me dms every single day and i havent opened any of them. i hate that my distrust towards irl people has bled into self shipping and now i am just Too Depressed to self ship. it is my anniversary w/ a character who's supposed to be such a comfort to me today and i feel Nothing. driver used to be Everything to me. driver used to make me feel so comfortable and safe. i feel so numb when i look at my f/os, there is just nothing there. it is my birthday soon and i should be so proud of myself for fighting through all the bullshit my abuser has thrown at me but i feel Nothing. self shipping used to help me at least cope with the depression. i just want to have my comfort characters again. thats it. i wouldnt care how many people are trying to kill me or stalk me or attack me if i just had my f/os to help me cope thru all of it

i genuinely think i'd feel better if i tried to be online and make edits and draw more and interact with the sweet people in my inbox. i used to feel so so so much better when people would send me nice asks, F/O reassurance, fics, fanart, etc etc but at the same time i will see a nice ask and immediately believe "oh. this is a trap. this person is going to pretend to be nice to me, try to get closer, but it's a trap" based off of MULTIPLE traumatic events my abuser put me through the last 2 years. this is such an unhealthy mindset to have, to not trust anyone kind to me, and i wish i knew how to turn it off. ive never been paranoid like this, ever, until a series of events happened this entire last 2 years and i just. i cannot fucking trust anyone on this stupid website, my god, someone sends me "hi keri! how is your day?" and my brain is like "oh hey look out, that person is pretending to be nice to you but they're actually trying to harm you!!" i will look at a group of online friends i've had for OVER a DECADE and that paranoid voice in the back of my head who worries from experience "oh cool this person is after me now. this person is out to betray me. this person wants to hurt me. it doesnt matter if we've been best friends since childhood, this person absolutely is out to get me now"

i hate everything i was put through these last 2 years and especially these last few months, one day im gonna spill my guts and tell everyone what has been happening to me bc its so goddamn unfair what ive been put through day after day, and i am sick of letting all of it fester in me without being able to tell anyone whats going on. i dont even know if its still ongoing rn bc every time i think "oh, maybe it's over" it just fires back up again. the stalking, the harassing, dude dont even get me started on the fucking stalking, do you know how fucking Not Normal these people are who have been trying to physically harm me irl and online? do you know how fucking psychotic someone has to be to spend YEARS of their life trying to make me miserable when i dont even know these ppl, im just fucking sitting here? the stupidest goddamn shit possible. i have never met these ppl in my life but they're following the orders of someone else and just. being fucking insane. if you knew what someone was putting me through, what a large group of toxic disgusting people have been putting me through these last 2 years, you wouldn't even fathom how dangerous it's been and how shitty it's been. ive had to call the police on a few of these people. you have no fucking clue what i've been going through and how exhausting it is to feel so unsafe every single second that you're alive. this shit eats at me constantly. i don't get any peace of mind. i think one day this really will kill me but at least i won't have to deal with it anymore if i'm dead. and!! i hate that i have that mindset! i hate that every time i drive to work, i hope beyond hope that a car is going to obliterate me. that isnt normal!! i should not be hoping to die!! but genuinely i dont think im ever going to be safe ever again and im so tired of dealing with this fear every single second every single day for years. years!!!! every second!!! every single second im awake i am fucking stressed out of my goddamn mind!!!!

months ago, i queued so much driver stuff for today, and i almost want to delete all of it bc its so. useless. dude i feel Nothing for my f/os. i feel unsafe with my f/os because i feel so unsafe with 99% of the people i interact with online because of all the horrible things ive been put through all this time. it's all pointless. i dont know if im ever really going to come back to blogging regularly. i just wake up, i go to work, i have panic attacks and i throw up, and then i go to sleep. sometimes i come here to vent and then refill my queue, but what is the point of refilling my queue anymore tbh. i keep trying to go through the motions to see if i can reclaim self shipping one day and then i can just bounce back, but god its been several months and ijust cant do it. i cant wait for this to kill me, ic ant wait for this to finally make me snap bc im so so sick of going through this every day. im tired

whatever ill delete this later and it wont even matter lol what else is new. keri makes another vent post about feeling depressed and unsafe. fork found in kitchen or whatever

[feyspeaker]

Picked up two prints! (And a sticker!)

Just so you know, I would legit pay for, like, a collection of your prints in a size somewhere between the mini and 11x14.

Like, I just want to put a *bunch* of them in a binder and just look at it sometimes lol

thank you so so much!!!! ;A; I have considered other sizes, but I live in a tiny place and my printing room is already full of too many sizes of paper/mailers/tubes/etc for what I do offer. I will keep it in mind but the sizes I have now are probably going to be pretty set for now.

About to go off on a tangent, so apologies for hijacking your sweet ask.

honestly this is still so crazy to me, thank you. I have been illustrating for years and years now, but really only found proper footing this year after taking a huge break from commissions and just hammering in what I really want to do with my life.

I've always preferred rendered painting but I felt like the market was so saturated and that I'd never be able to make a living doing it. Many of my older followers will know that for a couple of years I was really on this digital watercolor kick, doing more stylized work. It was extremely grueling despite being faster, bc I forced myself to work entirely on 1 layer with no eraser. It was faster for me to do and felt more "lucrative" as far as timeliness, but I was not very happy doing it, and did a lot of rendered painting studies in my free time, it was basically my "fun time" where I was doing one style for work and a totally different one for private pieces. Literally, I would be painting realistic block of cheese as my downtime.

I was so convinced that stylized stuff was what people wanted, and I have had boxes and boxes of prints I've bought and thrown away because they didn't sell.

Now that I am doing the kind of art my heart wants to do, I am so much happier and completely overwhelmed by how there are actually people who want to art I make for myself on their walls.

This is probably coming off so random but I've been thinking about it a lot, it really is true that you HAVE to paint what makes you happy. If you try to box yourself in to what seems the more "marketable" I promise you are going to be miserable. (Never stop challenging yourself, though. seriously.)

I have never been happier about the art I have created in the last 6 or so years of doing this professionally than I am now that I just said "fuck it, I am tired of painting anime-ish stylized stuff because that's what's in." It's like I've been forcing myself to jam a square block into a circle shaped hole for years. Not to mention that doing line art on literally over a thousand pieces (yes, I've counted, absolutely insane; comic artists please take care of yourselves) for years has well and truly fucked my hand up permanently, I fear.

Other artists, please listen to that little creature in your brain that's telling you it doesn't like painting anime girls or cats or thick chunky line art because that's what you think is popular. If painting nothing but hyperrealistic swords is where you heart is happiest, just do it and stop forcing yourself because I promise there are thousands of people out there who want to see your swords. Just make sure to throw in some jewels or filigree or whatever every once in a while to keep yourself challenged.

Sorry again for hijacking your message, I just am regularly blown away that somehow people actually like my art now that I like it. (Not that my older pieces are regrets btw, I think every single thing you paint no matter the style is worth its figurative weight in gold)

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls Season 2, Episode 15, "Lost And Found", Aka The Bracelet Has Breached Containment, Aka BraceletGate, Aka QuarterOnAStringGate, Part 6

Five minutes to go. We've finally arrived at the rotting meat of the episode. Since I won't watch Teach Me Tonight (or the episode that comes after it), this is the last episode for a good long while solely focused on Lorelai Gilmore's paranoia. Thank Gawd. I am drained.I have nothing left in me. She has sucked out my life force the way she sucks the lifeforce out of Dean Forrester. Parts 1-5 (!!) and all other episodes can be found in my pinned post.

Out of context, this looks terribly ominous.

Sweaterpaws.

Jess was seriously going to just go home and not even bother to ask for any money (well, he did say "I'll be back to collect it later, I know where you live", like the old timey Italian mobster he is). But he could have used that $5 (I do wish I could tell how much she's holding). Even though Jess must wait on Lorelai's table at his place of employment at least once a day every single day, I wager this is the first time Lorelai has ever paid him or tipped him squat. The boy was too stunned to speak. Better make sure its not Monopoly money or something.

I love how cautiously he takes it. He's such a smart boy, he knows this is a trap.

Time for my favorite #SadBaby joke, one I made up myself many years ago: Why does Jess Mariano love Santa Claus so much? Because unlike his father, at least Santa Claus visits once a year.

You dropped this, my king.👑 The fact that he's so utterly unbothered by Lorelai, making this a completely one-sided argument by an adult with a minor child will always be hilarious to me. Lorelai: Why would you do this? Oh, the DRAMATICS! I would never be dramatic.

WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER!!! How you like them apples?

"Don't whatever me, you ittle jerk! You let Rory run around PANICKED! Thinking she lost her boyfriend's bracelet! She was MISERABLE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?"

You ever wonder if Dean Forrester is perched on a rooftop somewhere with a sniper rifle and if Lorelai doesn't say "Dean is great" "Dean is tall and pretty" "Dean is the best lover I've ever had" out loud at least twice a day, it's lights out for her? It's either that or he's blackmailing her and is going to spill their illicit relationship if she doesn't kiss his ass on the regular, or maybe he used some advanced brainwashing techniques on her (this one is highly unlikely, he's barely literate) there are no other possible explanations for this behavior.

Way to go Lorelai, that's four rapid fire lies, exagerrations and falsehoods in the span of mere seconds. I'm impressed. I think Jess has to be dying of laughter on the inside right now listening to this crazy bitch's lunatic rantings. Actualy, in the second picture, from that angle it almost looks like Milo is smiling lol

Baby, you're so smart. I know you didn't finish high school, but you should still win some kind of award for smartness. #AdmireTheBaby

Lorelai can't call Dean "son", it would clash with his other title, "Rory's Future Stepfather."

Lorelai's face after Jess pointed out Rory didn't miss the bracelet for two weeks. SHE KNOWS HE'S RIGHT. Come on, just admit this kid is right and we can move on with our lives!

Lorelai goes back to the living room to contemplate how Jess Mariano is right about everything all the time.

Okay, since we know Luke isn't getting a new apartment, I'm intrigued. Ahhh, a second Nuclear Luke rant in one episode! It almost makes up for the rotting meat of the previous scene. "Taylor is systematically buying up the whole town! He's gonna turn it into Taylorville! Everyone will wear cardigans and have the same grass height! He's gonna buy the building next to the diner and turn it into a plate shop for freaks without enough brainpower to buy stamps! I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate. But I didn't eat it, I'm upset, not suicidal." LMAAAAAO. Oh Luke Danes, I love you so fucking much. "I had your voice going around and around in my head, I heard you saying, "take a chance Luke, make a move! Can't have a single bed! So I bought the building!" Told you Lorelai's nagging wields tremendous power, leading men to emotional and financial ruin.

For a few brief moments, Lorelai is the voice of reason and rationality. She suggests he could back out of the purchase, or barring that, expand the diner or rent the building to someone Taylor really hates, which is an idea I could get behind. Luke has 100k to spend on real estate, huh. I've said this before, I envision an au where Luke signs the paperwork to just get Jess his own seperate apartment. Even he had to wait until his 18th birthday. Jess could contribute to some of the rent and bills and Luke could pick up the rest. Everyone would be happy. I just want Jess to thrive and be happy. I'm going to imagine him thriving and happy.

A moment later, Lorelai is back to her old self. Holy hell, woman. The fuck is wrong with you? Poor Rory! Can Luke front some of that 100k to pay for Rory's future therapy bills, that she'll surely need after the damage you've caused?

I honestly have no idea what the fuck she's talking about. When have they been "thrown together"? When you think about it, Rory and Jess so far have had minimal interaction aside from some brief conversations, the majority of which Lorelai isn’t even aware of, and we're 10 episodes in after Jess' arrival. Do you mean the Bracebridge Dinner? The thing you set up and invited him to? Literally, Lorelai doesn't even know that Rory and Jess interacted in her backyard this afternoon. Or do you mean the picnic basket auction? Where Jess committed the unspeakable crime of having lunch with Rory?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Luke thinks Rory and Jess would make a good pair. Lorelai is so in awe of the power of Jess Mariano that she fears coupling him with her daughter might rip a hole in the very fabric of space and time.

Luke is my favorite Literati shipper.

"If Rory dates Jess, my shnooky-ukkums Dean will stop coming over to my house. Jess Mariano must die."

At least the last minute of the episode brings us one of the most splendid endings in Gilly Girls history.

Promotional poster for my horror movie called The Hollow: Luke Danes' Revenge. He's got a sledgehammer, a troubled nephew, and a thirst for Taylor Doose's blood.

I LOVE how hard Milo flinched when the hammer went through the wall. THIS EPISODE IS OVER. I SURVIVED THE ENTIRE THING. Where's my cookie?!

[jils-things]

happy new year! ; my farewell letter to 2023.

last year, ive written a similar farewell letter to 2022 and i want to make this a little tradition - so here's my second one <3

okay, so - wow. first of all, just wow.

this might be incredibly bold to say, but i think this has been my best year to be alive (i promise you i do not want to sound corny about it, but i really think 2023 was amazing for me.) of course, many things happened. im at my last year of senior high before i go to college, which is very scary but i hope i can be brave for it. school has been actually very generous to me recently, despite a few minor setbacks that looked very major when i was going through it, but overall it was very generous to me. but irl rambling is boring, so let's talk about my selfshipping blog!

last year, i had a verrrry firm grip on a previous f/o that im 100% sure old followers know - though im a little sad I can't find that spark to focus on him again - the shift in media has helped me find new f/os that i can say has been incredibly memorable to me. as we all know, im in a very INSANE pokemon brainrot since november or october(?) of 2022 and it has still remained heavily active in my head right now - which i honestly didn't even know i had the full capacity of doing! I don't know what magic this game did to me but i promise you im so happy i revisited this game again.

i would talk about how grateful i am to everyone has been supportive and sweet about my romantic f/os but i think the best highlight of my blog is my newfound love for my familial f/os - before that, i never had a single one on my list because i was simply quite disconnected to the family love concept, but after indulging myself in pokemon - i would come to discover pokemon adve.ntures, or poke.spe for short hehe. i have so many fond memories of finding myself wanting to read more and MORE - i would have every chapter downloaded beforehand just so that i can read it in my spare time, not even school that demanded my attention would stop me from sneaking my phone to quickly read through the manga LMAOO - but consuming the media itself wasn't enough, i needed people to understand the ROLLERCOASTER of emotions i had while reading and well, i think its very clear who those people were, the ones who came to save my miserable ass from (insert shocking scene in poke.spe) AHSJHSHSJSJS you know who you are and i appreciate you forever and they - i kid you not, helped me create something wonderful!

but of course, the video games were just as amazing. would you believe me if i told you i played gens 1 to 7 in one year? that's how much i adore the game and i still have yet to catch up to other games like the spin offs :] im not sure how to end this statement but. im so happy appleshipping and memoryshipping exists 🥹 i usually don't like thinking that they'll be with me forever because i believe nothing lasts for eternity but i just wanna say that they were just ... im just so contented 🥹 again, all of this actually would not have been so impactful to me if it weren't for my awesome mutuals hearing me out about it and supplying me with even more ideas - these mutuals would also end up becoming such loving friends of mine that helped me get out of my comfort zone and im still happy they're around (hi guys!) 💚

oh! and, what a surprise, i never thought id have an oc f/o! i initially thought that this was so impossible to do but?!??;?! it just happened i guess!!!! i keep surprising myself this year 😭

ok now here's the obligatory art summary for the year 💥

literally the best thing i ever done with my art is try using csp and it actually really helped me change the way i draw, and i even managed to cross out a few items in my last year's resolution thanks to it! i still bounce between using ibispaint and csp but i certainly improved!

the last thing im forever grateful about are the people who has been consistently supportive of my art - especially the commissions, i can't stress it enough how much it has helped me outside and it allowed me to go beyond my comfort zone when it comes to my drawing skills :']] thank you all so much

and finally, big thank you to everyone who sent me nice letters to my tree 🥹💚 its a gentle reminder that im actually ... pretty cool ig 🥹 and if you didn't send one, that's also ok!! you're still cool for reading this mwamwa

again im so bad at ending posts like these but cheers to a new year and let's hope it'll be better for everyone. 💚🫡 goodbye 2023!

[borderline-gays-club]

12/17/23 12:16 AM

I feel like I'm always playing catch up. And this has been an ongoing problem for a very very long time. At least since highschool. possibly before. And I now know its because of all my fun mental problems that work together to make my life a chaotic mess (less so now). But now I'm in a place where Im asking myself: how do I just exist without feeling like I need to get everything done right now. Like i cant fucking relax. And the problem is that there is some level of reasoning to it, but at the same time I need to find a balance, cus either way working crazy all the time is just gonna burn me out and cause me more problems in the long run. I have gone through so many periods in my life where I'm severely depressed and incapacitated and then hypo mania kicks in and I can do everything. So in the time periods of mania I would "make up" for all the time I lost and it was a vicious cycle. Even though my bipolar symptoms are currently managed with medication, I look back the past 10 years or so and I'm like wow. I lost a lot of myself bc of my BPD. and I guess thats where alll my current urgency is coming from. BPD took a lot away from me. Time that I can never get back. And I can't say I regret it, because with the tools I had back then, it just wouldn't have been possible to have made different choices. I will say, with every step of this journey in my life, I really have always been trying. Even at my worst I was trying to find ways to not be so miserable. I really wouldn't give up. Its in these moments of reflection that I can really say that my will to live has actually been very strong this whole time. Even when i wanted to die. I still tried. The times that i basically gave up on myself was when my miserableness was being blanketed by obsession/FP shit. That was the perfect way to completely lose hold of myself and dedicate every fiber of my being to that other person. and it would feel euphoric and would get me out of depression. Its terrible. literal addiction shit. These are the times that I mourn because it really does feel like regression. And as much as i dont want to treat myself like a project that must always get better over time, it really just feels tragic how much of my 20s I've lost to losing myself in other people. But this is all time i cannot get back. There is no point in regret. And also, I cant regret decisions I couldn't really make. A lot of this lost time is really due to lack of care that I needed. From my parents, from doctors. I was simply emotionally and medically neglected, and I did my best with what I did have. All I can do now is to strive to live in my truth. but first i must figure out what my truths are. Because I still don't really know what self means. Im figuring it out tho. *last note: mayb i just need to view time differently. I'm viewing it as a linear thing, but I know that time is not really linear. Life is certainly not linear. I think I still view my value with what I do and what I create. This is something I'm working through. I think the question is also: Who am i if I did not make things? Where would I place my self worth without being able to make things? theres always a lot to work thru.