#live shit: binge & purge

[k-i-l-l-e-r-b-e-e-6-9]

Metallica - Wherever I May Roam

[ungoliantschilde]

Live Shit: Binge & Purge, 1993.

This is Metallica’s first live album, and it’s a doozy. It was recorded over a couple of dates during their massive tour for the Black Album that went on for like 3-4 years.

Different versions have different concerts. It was released in 1993, so it was initially released on CD and VHS tape, and the tapes each had a full concert as well. For the sake of brevity, I only included the playlists on the 3 CDs.

They played basically everything from their first 5 albums here. And they played the Black Album songs like they still enjoyed it. There’s an interview clip out there where James and Kirk both say that they’re tired of playing Enter Sandman. They didn’t sound unenthusiastic on this recording though.

I’d recommend it as a live record, to be sure. It’s like a live greatest hits performance.

If I have to pick standout parts, Jason and Kirk get solos at the end of disc one, which is cool to hear them both be given time to show off.

And, the 18:08 long version of “Seek and Destroy” is probably my favorite part. James interacts with the crowd (Mexico City), and the whole band seems to kind of enjoy themselves.

[alexcita]

Metallicas Live shit: binge and purge box set that my dad had in our garage. But it’s missing a vhs and the cds :(

[doubletalkingmaeve]

Metallica live in Mexico >>>

[myvinylplaylist]

My Metallica Albums

[rastronomicals]

5:46 AM EDT March 18, 2023:

Metallica - "Creeping Death (Live)" From the box set Live Shit: Binge & Purge (November 23, 1993)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

File under:    Bands that were, like, really into Cthulhu

[duranduratulsa]

Metallica - One (Live Shit: Binge & Purge) [San Diego '92] (Part 20) [HD]

90's Fest Live Track of the day: One by Metallica from Live Shit: Binge & Purge (1993) #Metallica #one #liveshit #bingeandpurge #liveshitbingeandpurge #90s #90sfest #durandurantulsas4thannual90sfest

[deadly-nightshade]

Metallica - Live Shit: Binge & Purge - Seattle 1989

[badnewswhatsleft]

total guitar #160 march 2007 [joe's video]

transcript below cut:

You voted Dance, Dance in at No 57 in TG’s 100 Greatest Riffs, so we managed to collar the dual guitar talents of Fall Out Boy’s Joe Trohman and Patrick Stump to ask them how they write riffs, who they think is the ultimate riff-writing machine and what they deem to be the top five greatest riffs ever written…

Words: Claire Davies, Images: Joby Sessions

When you look at Fall Out Boy or listen to any one of their albums, it’s easy to dismiss them as pop punk scamps who like to mess around on the guitar but don’t take it that seriously. In some respects you’d be right, but singer/guitarist Patrick Stump and his talented co-guitarist Joe Trohman know quite a bit about writing insanely catchy riffs and playing guitar.

Patrick, for instance, doesn’t respect players who wail unnecessarily over a song. “I like restraint in guitarists,” he says. “It’s easy to go overboard and try to be Eddie Van Halen. But here’s the thing: you’re not.” Joe, on the other hand, is completely obsessed with vintage guitars. “I was really into vintage Gibsons, but I just used to break them all the time and it turned out to be kind of expensive. Now I play Washburns ‘cos they have that same wide-neck feel and pickups as some of those 70s Les Pauls.”

One thing they’re both passionate about, however, is writing great riffs and how you - by expanding your musical horizons - can write one with as much groove as Pantera’s Walk…

So guys, why did you choose guitar and when did you start playing?

Joe Trohman: “I started playing guitar because of Metallica. I used to listen to them loads and when my grandma got me the Live Shit: Binge And Purge video I couldn’t stop watching it. I used to play viola and trombone in my school band, but watching bands like Metallica and Smashing Pumpkins made me wanna play guitar. From the moment I got a cheap $50 guitar, I played it all the time.”

Patrick Stump: “I chose drums to begin with, but my dad was a folk singer in the 70s so he always had a guitar lying around. I’d mess around and write songs on it, but I never fancied myself as much of a player. When the band started I ended up singing, even though I was supposed to be a drummer. Then one of our guitarists quit, I had to fill in and it went from there.”

When you were starting out, which guitarists influenced you?

Joe: “Kirk Hammett and Dimebag had a huge impact on me, as did Billy Corgan. I was into a lot of lead players, I guess, but as I got older I realised how important it was to play rhythm as well. People don’t realise how good a rhythm player James Hetfield is. I also love Johnny Marr, who has probably been my biggest influence so far.”

Patrick: “I’m not a huge Stones fan, but I appreciate Keith Richards’ playing ‘cos it’s all about his riffs. Outside of that, my favourite shit as a guitar player is funk; everyone from James Brown to Prince. I also love jazz player Joe Pass, who is one of the only people good enough to noodle on guitar, and Jesse Johnson who was in a band called The Time from the Prince movie Purple Rain. My favourite solo of his is just one note, but the crazy shit he does with that one note is unreal.”

Moving on to riff-writing, how would you describe a guitar riff?

Joe: “It’s a cool guitar part that catches you instantly. It’s something you can play over and over without it losing its edge.”

Patrick: “Yeah, it’s four bars that are simple and that grab you immediately, like the riff from Janet Jackson’s Black Cat. I think a good riff comes down to a good rhythm section. When you look at a guy like Dimebag, he always got right in there with the bass and drums. Pantera were built on a groove as strong and simple as any R&B groove.”

Joe: “Yeah, Walk has to be one of the simplest riffs ever but it grooves, and that’s what matters: what you do with the riff and how much it grooves.”

So how do you come up with riffs, such as the one on Dance, Dance?

Patrick: “We just fuck around until we come up with something. You’ll come up with a gazillion riffs when trying stuff out, but every so often something will jump in front of you. Once you’ve got your four bars, stuff will start happening. With Dance, Dance I was just sitting in the van and we were all talking about The Cure, and I had this idea of a Cure bass line that they never wrote, which ended up being the riff in Dance Dance.”

What’s the best riff you’ve written?

Patrick: “I really like the riff on Of All The Gin Joints. But The Take Over, The Breaks Over from our new record [Infinity On High] is easily one of our best riffs. I wrote it after reading something Bowie said: that he was sitting around one day and decided that he really wanted to write a riff like Keith Richards did. So he wrote Rebel Rebel. After reading that I thought, ‘Fuck! I wanna do that!’”

What, in your opinion, makes a kick-ass riff?

Joe: “A great riff comes from being part of the rhythm and acknowledging that you’re not gonna produce something totally original. You should listen to loads of different music and put your own spin on it. Like on our last album we wrote a riff that was like Panama by Van Halen. We’ve obviously taken influence from them on that song, but we’re not ripping them off wholesale. Instead it’s like paying homage to them.”

Patrick: “When you’re writing a riff you’re part of the rhythm section and you keep up the tempo and rhythm as if you were the drummer. You have stabs as though you were the snare drum and you’re hitting low notes as though you’re the bass drum, but you’re also controlling the melody. At the end of the day, a riff is something that you can hum and it’s a rhythm you can play on drums. If you have both those qualities in your riff then you’re onto something good.”

What do you think are the Top Five greatest riffs ever written?

Joe: “I love the start of This Charming Man by The Smiths, and Black In Black by AC/DC. Walk by Pantera is probably one of the best riffs ever, same as Battery by Metallica, but if you can’t do triplets and haven’t got tons of stamina then it’s hard to play. I also love South Of Heaven by Slayer just ‘cos it’s so evil sounding.”

Patrick: “Satisfaction by The Stones is the be-all and end-all of riffs. I’d also go for Rebel Rebel by David Bowie, Janet Jackson’s Black Cat, the second section of Bohemian Rhapsody and Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath. That one riff alone changed metal as we know it. I also wanna throw in Owner Of A Lonely Heart by Yes ‘cos it’s a great example of having really talented guitarists who still keep it simple.”

Who do you think is the ultimate riff-writing machine?

Joe: “I’d go with Randy Rhoads, just ‘cos I love that riff in Crazy Train. That guy was a genius.”

Patrick: “Angus and Malcolm Young have written so many phenomenal riffs that you can’t do any better than those guys. But I come from an R&B background so I wanna say Prince, just ‘cos Let’s Go Crazy is so awesome. And I also wanna know who wrote the riff to Michael Jackson’s Beat It [TG mentions it was session musician and Toto guitarist Steve Lukather]. Was it Lukather? Yeah, of course it was: he played the riff and Eddie Van Halen played the solo. I wonder why Lukather doesn’t get more recognition? Now you’ve mentioned Lukather, I wanna change one of my Top Five riffs to Toto’s Hold The Line, ‘cos that’s one of my favourite riffs ever!”

How did you approach the guitars on your new album, Infinity On High?

Patrick: “We’re both playing a lot more rhythm on this record, but if there is lead then it’s in much more of a BB King way where there’s a call and response.”

Joe: “My favourite thing about the guitars on our new songs is that I can ad-lib when we’re playing live. I know scales well enough and understand the fretboard well enough to do that. I could never tell you what key something is in, but in my head I know what it is. The cool thing about being in this band is that Patrick and I play guitar really well together, and I’ve learned a lot from watching Patrick and playing guitar with him.”

So can we expect a lot of guitar interplay from you on this album?

Joe: “Patrick also plays piano on this album, so he’s not always on guitar, but we split up a lot of the guitar playing. There’s a solo on The Take Over, The Breaks Over that we split in half when playing live, even though on the record it was done by Chad from New Found Glory and Ryan from Panic! At The Disco. We thought it was cooler to have guest guitarists than guest vocalists. So yeah, we split a lot of the guitar stuff up and switched between rhythm and lead. The weird thing is that I’m always pegged as the lead guitarist of the band, but we always switch back and forth.”

Patrick: “I think in general, I play a lot of the single-note leads and Joe plays a lot of the octave and chord leads.”

Which tracks on the new album best exemplify you guys as guitarists?

Patrick: “The end solo of Don’t You Know Who I Think I Am? Is how I love to solo. It’s real bluesy, which is what I’m about as a player. I’d also say the solo on You’re Crashing But You’re No Wave.”

Joe: “Yeah, that one had a lot of Johnny Marr filler guitar in there, and also Don’t You Know Who I Think I Am? It's filler guitar that doesn’t really jump out at you, but it’s atmospheric and it changes the vibe without you really knowing it.”

Finally, how proud are you as guitarists of your new album?

Patrick: “This is my favourite record because it’s restrained and funny. It’s basic rhythm playing, which is my favourite kind of guitar playing. I’m much happier playing a strong riff 100 times over than playing a kick-ass solo once. We do have kick-ass solos, but the way we write doesn’t always leave that much room for them.”

Joe: “I learned from playing on this album that I don’t need to play solos all the time. I’m proud of the record and proud of the cool riffs and songs that we’ve written together.”

Patrick: “I’m less impressed when someone shows off, and on this record we don’t show off a lot so obviously you should be impressed… I’m kidding!”

[bunnidid-reviews]

DID book Reviw - Identical by Ellen Hopkins

Facts:

Date of publication: 2008

Fiction or Nonfiction: fiction

Was there a diagnosis of DID? Yes, near the end

Was the person with DID presented as evil for having DID? No, just a flawed and struggling individual

Major trigger warning list:

Alcoholism

Drug use

Incestuous rape by the father (mostly non-explicit but implied enough to be obvious)

Lots more uncomfy incest things (kissing, wanting to see his daughter in attractive clothes/getting changed)

Denial from the mother

CSEM being made (mentioned much later and not very explicit)

Bulimia (lots of binging and purging)

Grooming by a teacher

Inebriated sex with fawning into it

A dubiously consenting BDSM scene? (Nonexplicit)

Self harm

Suicide attempt and idiation

Abusers being in positions of power

There may be more that I’m not remembering. Shits fucked.

Subjective Review(this is how I felt about it)

Personal triggering scale from 1 to 10 (1 being not triggering at all, 10 being a badly overwhelming experience that might cause personal harm): ???5-7? (Unsure if its very triggering or not because of my current sense of being disconnected from most things. Still its def not been the worst/most difficult ive read, and its not explicit)

Personal relatability scale from 1 to 10 (1 being unrelatable, 10 being OMG THAT’S ME!): 6

Personal avoidance scale from 1 to 10(1 being eager to get on with it, 10 being impossible to finish): 3 (extremely easy to just keep reading, part of its probably because of the easy format)

My interpretation of the media(Includes spoilers):

I went into this with trepidation because the cover looks like it would be an edgy triller type of book, so I was half expecting the evil alter trope. This is especially common when its ‘just two’ alters, because the assumptions are made around the ‘split personality’, which is a term thats usually used negatively, associated with evil alters or used as an insult, etc.

And it can sorta seem like that, especially on the surface premise of ‘one of them is ruining their life!!’, which is also how this book seemed the be advertised. Except.. neither of them are trying to ruin their life really, they’re both coping just as poorly as eachother, and surviving just as well as they can. Does that involve self destruction? Majorly, but I read it more as trying to do anything she can to get out of the situation she’s in.

the premise:

Kaeleigh and Raeanne are 16-year-old identical twins, who live the idyllic, picturesque american household: their mother is a politician rising through the ranks, and their father is a judge. They’re both incredibly well-respected and have a lot of reach in their community. Their family looks perfect on the outside..

But is not so pretty just inside. Both parents are alcoholic in their own rights, influencing their daughters to take after them to cope through living together. Mom’s barely home and never wants to be there when she is. And dad.. controls every aspect of their lives through his unpredictable temperament and drunkenness. He’s lonely and pathetic and feels beat down by his cold wife, so the only person he can turn to for comfort is his daughter(s)

Which he does, frequently. He’s been raping Keileigh since she was 9, after a near-fatal car accident that broke her mother’s ability to feel love. Since then he’s been using Keileigh in this sick, twisted way, and controlling her so she’d never get away.

Keileigh and Raeanne’s means of coping are intense, but they’re not as opposite to eachother as it may seem. Keileigh is binging and cutting and shutting down and fawning. She’s in denial and always has a sense of being crushed under the weight of her father’s control.

Raeanne purges and seeks out her vices in getting high and having risky sex with guys who will never love her or treat her right, the more dangerous the better. She fawns just as much as Keileigh actually, just in a more subtle ‘this is what I deserve anyway/it’s too late to say no’ kinda way.

Both of the girls use alcohol and pain medications as a means to get themselves to sleep or get through the day.

As the book goes on, and the election draws near, the intensity and frequency of the abuse is driving Keileigh and Raeanne further and further into their breaking point. They want it all to end already, especially when her mother wins the election and is fully out of the picture, and the grandparents start showing up mysteriously to uncover the past. Something they knew about, something the parents have tried so hard to hide.

It takes Keileigh’s suicide attempt to make Raeanne say enough is enough. She sneaks out to meet with her grandfather on her father’s side to learn the story of what happened to make her father this way. It turned out he’d been the victim of CSEM, and deeply traumatized from the abandonment of his alcoholic mother.

This diddddnt super help her crisis, Raeanne couldn’t have just gone back into it all. She attempts to escape at least mentally with one of her drug hookups Ty, who likes sex rough and forcibly consenting. The drug trip is hitting her badly already when Keighleigh’s boyfriend shows up, mixing her and Raeanne’s world. Everything all together is enough to fracture the heavy wall between the twins, and..

All along they were one person. Raeanne was Keileigh’s twin sister who died in that fateful car crash, and from the trauma of that and being raped so soon after, she split off an introject of her sister to be a step outside herself.

The sisters wake up in the hospital, having to stay until the drugs and the withdrawl wear off safely. She ends up telling the doctor about her symptoms and shes able to get diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

But how do you go home after that? In memories that came back, it turned out that her mother knew all along and intentionally turned a blind eye. Nowhere is safe.

It turned out that the grandmother knew and was scared into silence by the father’s influences. She had witnessed sexual abuse long before the accident, making her turn to alcoholism to try to forget what she saw, to cope. She showed up in the end to make ammends, and Keileigh and Raeanne were able to go home with her.

The ending is bittersweet but hopeful. Six months in, the girls are getting therapy. They have a loving boyfriend who doesn’t know the whole story yet, but he’s endlessly supportive. The father put himself in rehab and basically out of reach of his daughter. The mother works in DC now, shes not really in the picture as much but that’s probably for the better.

-

For a story told in poems, there was so much that was said in so few words. It was really hard-hitting and felt like a realistic approach of what happens when you’re coping with incest, just how much isolation it entails, how much control goes into it.

Like I said before, the sisters are a mess. But she’s also 16 and still getting raped at home, and literally no one was there for her, or at least allowed to be there for her until nearly the end. It’s heartwrenching really, and the whole time I was going Yeah, of course they’re like this, what else can they do?? It hits just very very honestly, and I don’t feel like any of it was written with pure disdain for the victims in the story, even if the tone could be very dry and callous in the point-of-views.

The poetry was really good too. The ‘chapter ends’ where the switches were happening had a very distinct way of formatting it, so there were two poems on opposite pages using some of the same words, with the spaced apart words revealing the truth of what they were both feeling. It was a fun read and very very well executed.

I don’t remember if I’ve read from this author before, but I feel like she handled a story about DID and incest and coping really well. It’s not a light read, but I also couldn’t put it down.

What they got Right in my opinion:

Diagnosis of DID being called Dissociative Identity Disorder

The entire structure of isolation and power dynamics ensuring that incest could happen and not be spoken about felt scarily accurate

Loosing time was not always so black and white it seemed. Of course I’m just going off poems, but theres mentions of what the other twin is doing in reference to themselves (usually in Raeanne’s point of view)

Introjection of a real person felt very correct and not in some weird ‘the ghost of your sister lives within you’ kinda magical bullshit way. She is an introject. They dont use that word specifically but its really obvious

The fawning is so fucking real, man

Keileigh often feeling ‘miles away’ or spacing out frequently

Neither part was better or evil compared to eachother, they were both coping in very messy ways

The thing that got me to notice that it felt more like an alter thing than a sister thing was in this very subtle thing of, when Raeanne found that her ‘sister’ had started self harming, or had a suicide attempt, it wasn’t like.. a normal person’s level of concern like ‘oh my god i could loose my sibling’ as much as it was this almost callous way of treating one’s self the day after deciding to live or having a major self harm episode. Just sigh, clean it up, forcibly make yourself carry on. Am I making any sense? It just felt very much like taking care of yourself vs another person.

The ending not being sunshine and rainbows happy ending, everyone wins. Idk, if you read my review for Pieces of Me, you’ll notice I was pretty upset about the fact that everything worked out extremely well, over the top idyllic. When we all know that healing is actually really messy, its not comfortable, not everyone’s on the same page and not everyone can safely know about the DID always. This felt very real to me

What they got Wrong in my opinion:

I think having full blackouts to the point of having an entirely different life from one another is pretty rare(if its not let me know, ive not heard of this happening much)

Umm I was a little disturbed by one of the healing things she had to go do was apologize to the teacher for leaning into him showing Way Too Much interest in her. The only goddamn reason he didn’t go through with it was because they could be caught?? That is the teachers responsibility, is it not????? Am I being too tumblr??? Am i missing something here???

I did not super understand the logic of Keileigh’s at work but Raeanne is going and doing drugs. How are they doin that, or is she very quick? Just little attempts to hide the big reveal didn’t super make sense to me

Would I reccomend this to someone with DID to read? Yes! But carefully, and keep in mind all the TWs. You might find it very relatable and idk if thats a good thing or not

Just so you know, there is a lot to this book that I didn’t talk about, a lot of little traumas that stacked up into it getting heavier. I just couldn’t possibly write about everything, so bear🧸 in mind if you read it yourself

[k-i-l-l-e-r-b-e-e-6-9]

Metallica - Whiplash

[therealcalicali]

Metallica - Live Shit Binge & Purge Tour (1989)

[ungoliantschilde]

Metal Up Your Ass/Kill ‘Em All, by Metallica. 1982-83.

Metallica was formed in the early 1980s when Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield met through the want-ads section of the newspaper. They were soon joined by Ron McGovney on bass, and Dave Mustaine on lead guitar. McGovney’s garage is where they rehearsed in those early years, and it kind of grew from there.

“Metal Up Your Ass” was their demo album, and the track listing and personnel would soon change along with the debut album title.

Lars and James heard Cliff Burton playing what would eventually become the bass-guitar intro to “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, and quickly recruited him to replace McGovney.

Accounts differ based on who you ask, but the basic story is that Metallica, as a unit, is about James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich in the front seat, and the lead guitarist and bassist in the backseat. They also all drank HEAVILY in the early days. Mustaine is many things, but he’s not to be fucked with, and he is a smart dude. He is too good of a player and riff writer to play behind James Hetfield. It just would not have worked. They’re both riff-writers and song writers, and it would have caused more trouble than it created had the band stayed together. Dave, by his own admission, likes to fight when he drinks. And even for a band nicknamed “Alcohollica”, Dave drank too much. They fired him, he took bus back to LA from NYC, and Metallica hired former Exodus lead guitarist, Kirk Hammett.

The lead off singles for Kill ‘Em All were “Whiplash” and “Jump In the Fire”. Both great tracks.

My picks for standout tracks are Cliff’s bass solo “Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth)”, and “Seek and Destroy”.

The bass player had a solo track on the A side of their debut album. Yeah, Cliff rocked.

And there’s an almost 20 minute long live version of “Seek and Destroy” on the “Live Shit: Binge & Purge” set. It’s a great live track. I even saw a video where a guy on YouTube played it in the style of ZZ Top, and it totally works.

Kill ‘Em All is the most punk/thrash album of Metallica’s catalogue. And it holds up really well. It’s a classic for a reason.

[stonerskinny]

why does alcohol have so many cals 😭

weighed at 277 just now, it really is crazy what a single 💩 and a nap will do for you LMAO

now do i want to risk ruining that w alc and possible binging or do i just go back 2 sleep and be good

i’m 22hrs into this fast meaning if i skip going out and having fun i can take my sleep meds and probably get to 36hrs easy but i can also see the scenario where they just don’t kick in and i end up binging anyway plus i just was aiming for 18hrs

ugh why are there so many ways this could go

the switch is flipping actively, i think. who knew i just needed to get out of the cycle for a night.

i feel like i have something to prove. which i hesitate to admit, but it’s true. apparently when all your friends are restricters and your entire ed is just you failing at restricting, theres some interesting shame stuff that comes up LOL sometimes i just feel like a lazy gross piece of shit compared to everyone in my life because i am like this unhinged fucking glutton and everyone else has the discipline i’d commit war crimes to have

i feel like a wannarexic sometimes which i basically am

i just want to do something right and the only thing i care about is this which i am royally terrible at. sometimes it’s like all i know how to do is eat, doesn’t matter that i purge because im so big.

you know i’m gonna have to lose just over 2/3 my body weight to get to where i wanna be. that’s a lot of fucking weight and there’s no way i end up without loose skin so basically im fucked if i lose to where i wanna be, and fucked if i go crazy and decide to recover because i’ll still be huge. maybe if i actually worked out i wouldn’t end up w so much loose skin or if i did this slowly but slowly pisses me off because my brain is all about that instant gratification

the longer i’m awake the more i want to binge fuck

but i know i will regret it. i knowwwww i will. because ill feel bloated and ill gain and it’ll fucking suck. or ill purge, one of the two. there’s no excuse for it though. this body does not need food, it has PLENTY of natural resources to live on lmao.

i wish i didn’t most likely have the hellscape combo of hypothyroidism + PCOS which both individually make weight loss hard and weight gain so easy. but at the same time i can’t erase my failure by crying about genetics, if i really wanted to get there i’d already have gotten there long ago so now im just wasting everyone’s time.

can u tell the suicidality came back so strong tonite lol

i wonder how many ppl actually read these monstrosities that i write. how many ppl actually absorb my thoughts. trippy

sometimes i think i don’t actually have an eating disorder at all because i am just so inconsistent with anything besides binging. which i know is its own ed but let my silly little rat brain have its moment.

also apparently i literally sleep like the dead bc my hr was 40 when i was sleeping earlier so that’s fun no wonder i wake up feeling like a fucking corpse every day

okay that’s all for now i’ll spare y’all the rest of my brain while i lay here and mentally debate the pros and cons of both trazodone and tequila

[foxilayde]

Danny!!! I just binged Season 2 of Case 63 last night! I'd love to hear your thoughts on it (if you're willing to share them)! 💕

You want to hear my thoughts on case 63? Oh dear sweet lovely anon, please buckle up because I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS

I listened to season one probably 4 times in the past year and season 2 twice already (I have a lot of down time this week) and i took notes on the timelines because i thought i was going crazy and it honestly turned me into Charlie Day a little bit with the red string and notes and maps on the wall, “And i march down to Eliza’s office and say “Beatrix!! Beatrix!!’”

Anyway, spoilers below the cut.

I kind of want to start with season 2 episode 9, that thing that Vincent says to Eliza “peter didn’t send you here to save the world, if you’re his wife in one of the timelines and if peter lost his wife in 2060 when she was 38 because of Pegasus, his wife has to be born in 2022. And if you were, or will be, Peter Roiter’s wife, for her to be born in 2022, then you Beatrix should have died in 2022, but you didn’t. He knew you had to die, but he couldn’t lose you. Think about it, why did he need YOU to do the injection? He needed to get you to the extraction point. He tried to hide you and protect you from your death. He sacrificed millions to send you to the past to delay your death.”

That part reminded me so much of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that movie, but the protagonist, Joel, is running through his memories with his ex girlfriend Clementine and trying to hide her away in places she doesn’t belong, just so she can live in his brain for a tiny bit longer. It’s just so romantic and it makes sense why then Peter didn’t sound upset when Eliza told him that she couldn’t inject Marie, he doesn’t even give a shit about the timeline anymore. He just wants her to be able to LIVE and be happy adfdskjas;defsdfk

But i can’t talk about this without talking about the inconsistencies…. **play Serial theme** One of which here is Helen Vince, Peter Roiter’s wife From the future, is supposedly born in 2022 in one of these timelines, yet in the 2012 timeline she’s born in 2012? Did i miss something here? The only theory i have on that is related to that thing Peter says about “time protects us” and that’s why travelers can’t KILL Marie. I think it works in reverse as well, that you can’t escape your time coming, things will shift and bounce to fit your time clock. Which is super tragic when you think about how that’s Peter’s only goal, to give Eliza more time.

That bit IS confusing, but ALSO so is the inconsistencies with Peter’s age at some points. Like when he talks about the Egregor and being 9 years old and people dying by their own hand because of it, yet the math says he was 6 when the Berlin Purge happened and he says it was 2030 at one point and 3035 when Eliza asks for clarification.

And some other things too, he gives two separate dates for “the end of the world” (unspecified event!) and despite the Great Deletion happening, he claims that the Garnier Malet effect is “taught in all schools” since 2034, but the great deletion happened in 2033, and at another time he said it was actually in 2053???

and there are several more inconsistencies but what I’m trying to SAY is that he’s obviously not lying…. Right? Because the time travel is real, we have seen that. So the thing that he MIGHT be lying about is that “a traveler can only travel once” rule. I have a feeling this Peter Roiter has been alllll over the damn place. Probably unsanctioned missions? In order to hide Beatrix in one time or another to avoid her death.

And let’s TALK ABOUT THE NAMES OK. So we are introduced to an “Eliza Beatrix” and Peter straight up calls her Beatrix, so I THINK HE’S MET HER BEFORE and I’m not Fukin talm bout Helen Vince here. Roll with me, because when Eliza goes to Vincent’s timeline and meets herself, she tells her ten years younger self that SHE should start going by Beatrix! THAT’S PETERS BEATRIX. And that 10 year shift? Would explain a lot of the TIME INCONSISTENCIES ARE YOU WITH ME??

Let’s also not forget that i suspect that Beatrix is the Beatrix from the recording at the end of season 2, the one that Oliver Collins gives to Marie Caldwell. ALSO A STRANGE HAPPENING for him to be giving that to her because he was hysterically telling Eliza to discredit herself to Marie… very interesting.

Also super weird of Vincent to be acting the way that he was after Eliza DIED. Odd. Hmmm. Yes lets talk about Vincent Caldwell. The photo on the wall that made the bedroom look like Rome! To close the loop on the Garnier Malet! Such a cool twist in that. And when Eliza says, “By sending me here, he ensured the continuity of the dream” GUTPUNCH. There is one thing that bugs me about closing the loop and that would be the “take a flight to Rome on December 31st. Platform 23 at 4pm” thing that Peter said. Because BRO KNOWS THAT HELEN VINCE IS GOING TO BE BORN DECEMBER 12 so really and truly what the fuck was that about?? He knew that shit wasn’t ever going to happen, right? IT BUGS ME.

Also, bonus heartbreaking tidbit:: in the recording that he gives Eliza he makes it sound like “I’ll have 40 years to contact the organization to get this information to you” but bro knows that little baby Peter Roiter is going to be born sometime in 2023 (or 2024 depending on the inconsistencies) so he’s got 2 years max to live. And he doesn’t want Eliza to know.

Interesting tidbits, in the 2022 timeline, she’s in a bathroom in jfk terminal 4, but when she wakes up in 2012 she’s in terminal 8, so it’s not the “exact same spot” like she was telling herself. (Truly don’t know if that’s relevant.) And just a fun fact, when Peter is talking about his wife Helen he mentions that he did most of the cooking in their relationship and when Vincent talks about his late wife he says he did most of the cooking as well. So Peter is canonically skilled in the kitchen in every universe lmao.

I loved the tidbits about our sci-fi movies being influenced by The Project ever since 1948, i thought that was a thought provoking parallel to our current time.

I really love Marie so much. She hears and accepts all this stuff from Eliza and then she says you know what? I’m going to prevent covid from ever happening. And she does! I mean, she couldn’t prevent the nuclear war, but i thought that was pretty badass of her to change the world like that, way to go, Marie!

Biggest mystery i can’t wait to have solved: how is it she’s able to co-exist alongside herself and have a conversation with herself when “one entity must die in order for the other to be born”? Hmmm? And I’d like to add, Peter cautioned her against interacting with herself saying “meeting yourself WILL create a vortex” MEANWHILE daddy Vincent says it’s okay. In FACT Vincent just drops his own little “oh btw i had a Garnier Malet that you needed to talk to yourself, byeeee” i love him— such a goober. But it all seems very key.

I’m very struck by Peter’s repetition of the phrases about broken timelines and having to travel all alone and be invisible, it sounds very personal. Idk maybe I’m projecting. But i think there’s a lot to his story that he maybe couldn’t share with Eliza.

I loooove the way Peter explains time travel, “to go into the future, the key is speed. To go into the past, the key is gravity.” I love everything about that and the “circular beams of light” I WANT TO EAT HIS WORDS and lets not forget “They call it entanglement which is a way of saying I’ve always loved you.” NOT TO MENTION the infamous, “I don’t CARE about 7 billion people” monologue. It’s like what Vincent said, this is at its heart— a love story.

I will be thoroughly shocked and impressed if anyone decided to read all that. But if you did, thanks for sticking around and please let me know about your thoughts/speculations about any and everything regarding the story!!

[im-just-cam]

Hello. My name's Cam.

This is my last post ever. I'll be honest, the past few weeks have been really horrible. To me, Ana is like a persona, another version of me. All though I've tried to love and embrace Ana, she hasn't been that good to me. My hair has been getting thinner and thinner, my nails more brittle, I can barely stand without feeling dizzy and I'm always weak. I've been trying to romanticize Ana but there's nothing fucking romantic about it. It's honestly so miserable. And on top of that, I'm not even fucking skinny. I just thought "what's the point of starving myself and working out for 3 hours a day if no one can even fucking tell". I'm honestly angry and annoyed at myself. To think that I wasted all that time, obsessing over body image and calories, and I'm still the fat friend. I'm still fucking overweight. I'm not skinny. I'm fucking ugly. I hate it. I hate you Ana. I'm annoyed that I wasted so much time glorifying and romanticizing ana when I was so miserable. When most of the time I just wanted to disappear. I'm so mad that I wasted all that time believing that food was my worst enemy. I can't believe how hard I made it to enjoy living. I can't believe how much internal torture I put myself through. I can't believe I thought something as horrible as ana was part of me. I can't believe I just accepted that and never questioned myself. instead of hanging out with my friends and enjoying life, I was at home, in bed because I was so tired. What was the point of all that? I didn't gain anything from it except pounds. Yes, I gained weight instead of loosing weight. What the fuck man. Why would I do that to myself? I just can't believe how much fucking misery I put myself through, all for the sake of being 'beautiful' and skinny and perfect. You know what? Fuck being beautiful, fuck being skinny, fuck being perfect. I'm gonna live life like a normal fucking human. I deserve to be normal. I deserve to live life. Why did I make myself think anything different? So yeah, I'm just gonna stop caring. I don't fucking care about how many calories im eating anymore, I don't care about how many calories in burning. I don't care if I think I need to purge. Shut the fuck up ana. Honestly, shut up. Ana ruined my life. Fuck Ana, fuck eating disorders, fuck being pretty, fuck being perfect, fuck being skinny, since I can't fucking succeed at any of those, I'll just stop trying. What's the point? I'll never be pretty, I'll never be skinny, and I'll never be perfect. I'm disappointed in myself for ever thinking I could. I'm so disappointed because I thought ana was the answer. No it fucking wasn't. I'm done. I'm done trying. I give up. I give being obsessed with calories, I give up starving, I give up purging, I give up all of that ED shit. I'm fucking done man. I'm so tired of trying. I've tried so hard but never succeeded. I'm done. Fuck anorexia, fuck bulimia, fuck binge eating, fuck restrictive eating. Fuck it. I'm done. I can't keep living like this. I'm sorry to anyone who followed this blog for the ED stuff. I hope you can find your way in life. But as for me, I'm done. I choose recovery. This is Cam. Not 'kc4l-cam'. I'm done with that kcal shit. Fuck it. I'm out man. This is my last post ever, goodbye ED Tumblr. Goodbye.