#look her PAIN is VERY DEEP she can't be blamed for doing bad things!!!!

[nostalgia-tblr]

send help, can no longer tell if i actually do think sylvie was right to kill that guy and break the universe or if i've just spent so long proclaiming that she did Nothing Wrong In Her Life Ever that the irony has worn off and it's become real

[lains-reality]

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.”[source]

please give yourself the grace of forgetting, of being sad, of failing, of fearing. you are allowed to. all is Self. you are okay now and here.

allow yourself to look at the insecurities, shame, guilt and fears.

give yourself the chance to respond, not react.

let vanessa be. vanessa is just a person like anyone else. thinks they are born and will die. every vanessa, no matter how well off they are, is scared shitless. but you treat your vanessa so badly.

you hate it. you want it gone. you see the body and mind as a cage without a key. it hurts. you curse it and nothing changes. you try to convince it and nothing changes. you curse it more.

It is not a matter of enduring, it is a matter of you being so crude to Vanessa, and expecting so much of her when she has no power. Do you feel the same way about the homeless man on the street corner? Do you constantly chastise him in your head, blame him for his circumstances? Even if you are the kind of person to judge based on appearances, you do for a moment and move on with your life. That's because you never thought he was you so how could you feel pain on his behalf? You may do the opposite and feel bad for his situation for a bit, but you still leave the matter alone as he's none of your business and you have your own things to worry about. - post source

vanessa is doing the best it can. it sings, dances, loves! it bleeds, it shudders, it hurts. all is the wide expression of Self.

and yet you hide from the pain, from the hurt, from the thoughts, the feelings. this is not the fullness of Self.

forgive yourself. let go of the shame and guilt. stop shaming vanessa for exsiting just like any other person in the street. stop carrying all responsibilities of the world. it's already taken care of.

you breathe with no help, you shit with no help, you eat with no help, you sleep with no help. and even if you do need help, the inability to do so, happens without your help. your amazon package comes through, your sibling grows 2 cm, the sun rises and falls, the seasons pass by. all by itself. what's orchestrating it all? Self. what other reason have we given ourself the world, other than out of love?

Leave poor Vanessa alone and stop assigning her the responsibility and accountability of everything that the dream shows. The entire dream is all an expression of the Infinite Being, not hers (the ego) which she is just one more creation of. And it doesn't have to be your (the Self's/I AM's) dream anymore when you stop identifying with it. - post source

its already out of vanessa's hands. vanessa can't do anything. let that be a celebration: all is taken care of. unconditonally.

"why is it all taken care of?"

"why not!"

"but why should *i* get the world?"

"why not?"

"but-"

its already all here for you. its already as it is. what is vanessa gonna do to change the infinte? why would the infinite need changing anyway?

Treat it with compassion, stop bullying it, it's not its fault you're not where you should be. You think he's in the way so you get mad, you get frustrated it's not following instructions or refuses to step aside. But the ego is not the problem, nor in the way. Your attitude toward it is the problem. Let it be, it doesn't know any better! - post source

give yourself the permission to exist as you are. give yourself permission to be as you are, right now. start asking 'did i give permission for this?' you'll find how much stuff is not even your choice. as ada said its just tolerance and endurance of the forced vanessa.

now you realise you don't have to be a forced vanessa. so you go completely the other direction and try to (forcefully) change the vanessa. you're still holding up standards, ideas & roles to yourself. the things that made you hate vanessa in the first place. just maybe, for this moment hold nothing. drop the knife.

“Stop trying to heal yourself, fix yourself, even awaken yourself. Let go of letting go. Stop trying to fast-forward the movie of your life. It gets so exhausting, doesn’t it, always trying to get there, chasing futures that never seem to arrive, living on second-hand promises. Instead, bow deeply to yourself as you actually are. Be here. Honour this present scene in the movie. Your pain, your sorrow, your doubts, your deepest longings, your fearful thoughts, are not mistakes, and they aren’t asking to be healed. They are asking to be held. Here, now, lightly, in the loving arms of present awareness…” — Jeff Foster

[queseraone]

What are your top 5 favourite vulnerable moments for Tim? 😊

Oooh! (Why do I start every one of these answers with that hahaha)

1. Breakdown (4x09) - As if I could write this list and not include this episode (and this moment in particular). This is hands-down the most vulnerable we've ever seen him, and as painful as it is, it's so powerful and says so much about his character and his growth. We've heard him make offhand comments about his childhood before, but this episode (and parts of the previous one to a certain extent) really shines a light on his past. We see behind the armour, and in the scene with Lucy in the hallway, we see everything he's been carrying, and it's so important to his development.

2. Control (2x17) - This scene, the look on his face here?? I can't. I love that they carried the DOD arc over so many episodes, and this was such a great opportunity to show Tim's struggle in the aftermath. This man carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, blaming himself for something that was absolutely not his fault. And the fact that he voices this in what's initially a lighthearted conversation speaks volumes. Oof ouchie.

3. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1x03) - This man tries to hide his pain and put on a brave face in an incredibly dark period of his life. And without Lucy there to break down his walls, we probably wouldn't have seen this vulnerability. She stands up to him, calls him on his shit in a way that makes him feel like he can open up. He shares a hard and painful truth with her, and then just as quickly he puts the walls back up. And the way this scene is shot, the way we don't actually get them looking at each other? An incredible visual.

4. Going Under (5x21) - Look at Tim using his words. This is such a different side of him from the Tim of earlier seasons who pushed things down. And yes, we know he's very much still suppressing his feelings about Lucy going undercover, but the growth????? He's unbelievably vulnerable here.

5. The Collar (5x08) - Okay, look, there are so many other moments I could include, but I wanted some happier vulnerability, because it hurts my heart looking at the pain on his face in so many of these moments. So I'm including this moment. The pause, the deep breath, the way he puts it all out there... ahhhh

[zmediaoutlet]

you look like trouble (but i guess i do too)

for @wincestwednesdays - reputation

A motel, halfway between Washington and Kansas, cowboy-themed—or rather, cowgirl, since she's sitting pretty on the neon sign tipping her hat up and winking at people who'd be dumb enough to drive past. Cute enough to get past the almost rent-by-the-hour vibes, though it's not like those are unfamiliar, and inside the room Dean picks it's clean enough, and certainly cleaner than a lot of the places Dean's been staying in the last few months. No smell of sulfur, for one. That puts it pretty high on the list.

Sam's in the shower. Dean cracks the bottle of JD they got when they pulled into town and sits on the bed, and by the time the water creaks off—a long shower, by Sam's standards—he's made a pretty sizeable dent in it, and also into his current project.

The door opens with a decent billow of steam and a vision of Sam with a cheap white towel wrapped low around his hips, which is good enough to help alleviate the embarrassing skin-crawl Dean's been dealing with, the last twenty minutes, if not dissipate it entirely. He whistles and Sam rolls his eyes, going to dig one-handed through his bag. "Don't blame me for enjoying the show," Dean says, and Sam huffs but doesn't smile.

"What are you doing," he says. Kinda just saying it to say it. From his bag he pulls his pajama pants, that shirt he wears to sleep in. Rolls his right arm, free of the sling, and stands there holding his elbow, his face even in profile tight and strained.

Dean drains his glass, and sets it on the bedside table, and drops his phone on the mattress. "Texting hunters," he says. Sam's brow furrows and he looks over, and Dean shrugs. "Going through the rolodex, you know? Figuring out who we can still talk to."

Sam's brow clears and he stands up straight. His fist clenched in the towel. Too bad—but then, those kinds of shows, they don't always let you drink. He watches Sam's jaw flex and then also watches Sam clearly decide not to say the first thing that comes to mind. "You don't have to clean up my messes," he says, finally. Very even. Like Dean can't see his shoulders twitch. Only person Dean's ever known to throw more punches inside his head than otherwise.

They're not fighting, though. Ever since Dean's whole body washed clear, all the roiling smoke and salt and pain draining out of him like someone pulled the plug on a bath, so he was left just with the guilt and misery and Sam, six inches away, watching, desperate—Dean hasn't wanted to pick a fight. No matter what drags at the very back of his hindbrain, scratching.

"First of all," he says, easy, "that ain't true. You think the WC in the bunker just gets all sparkly by magic? I've seen things, Sam. Horrors." Sam's face kind of flinches and Dean smiles at him in the most annoying way he can muster, but then he shrugs, relaxed back against the stacked pillows. "But you aren't the only one who makes messes. Not sure you heard, but I was a demon."

Like acid in the throat to say. It's never actually funny, no matter how many times they repeat it.

Sam takes a deep breath. "I didn't tell anyone," he says.

"Doesn't mean word didn't get out," Dean says, and Sam's eyes close. Like he really didn't think about it. Singleminded, where Dean's concerned. Sometimes Dean can't believe it, the cold shock of what it means that Sam loves him back—but sometimes it's worrying, too. Like whatever demons Dean met or that Crowley used would just clam up and keep it under lock and key, or wouldn't tell whoever had them in a trap ringed with salt and holy water any nasty, humiliating, evil thing that Dean did—that he'd chosen to do—that had come up out of him, some place he didn't look at, that he'd kept closed in a box and refused and never wanted to believe he could ever even think of, much less put into action. The things that could be done to a person. Things you could do to yourself.

"Hey," Sam says, and Dean blinks and looks up and Sam's—there, sitting on the side of the bed by Dean's hip. His hand heavy on Dean's thigh, hot through the denim. "No one will believe it, man."

Dean tips his head back against the headboard. "You remember Walt and Roy?" he says, and Sam's mouth gets thin and flat. "Or—that girl, Tracy? People can believe a lot, Sam. Especially when it's true."

Sam turns his head. His hair's already curling at the ends, around his ears and at the back of his neck. Damp down his back. Even like this, thin from the months Dean was gone and pale with working too long through the night and tired, Dean just—can't get tired of looking at him. Starved after the months without and he can't get his fill.

"Before I stopped drinking," Sam says. Careful. Dean refocuses and Sam's looking at the half-empty bottle of whiskey. "I mean, before I stopped getting drunk. When you'd been gone… three weeks, maybe. I couldn't get a line on Leroy Baldwin. Remember him?" Takes Dean a second, but yes: white guy, hunted mostly crossroads demons, mostly in the bible belt. Asshole but got the job done, and you couldn't expect much more of most hunters. "I went out and found him. Alabama. He was working a job and didn't want to talk. Told him I was trying to track down the demon who'd killed my brother, and he said if I was that cut up about it, maybe I should get someone else to fuck me."

Dean's whole body flinches. Sneaking through the dark until a floodlight snaps on and catches him in his tracks. Sam swallows. "He was one of the ones I punched," he says, after a second, and Dean sits up and gets his hand on Sam's face and Sam closes his eyes, and turns in, and ducks his head down against Dean's shoulder. All damp-warm and smelling like mint from the shower. The curve of his neck hot against Dean's lips.

Crowley joked about it. In bed. Sucking Dean's dick and then lifting up and saying, not quite the same without those down-home charms, hm? and laughed when Dean kicked his shoulder and demanded he get back to it. After the triplets, when the scuttling sycophant demons cleared the bodies away, Crowley covering his back and whispering pretend it's whoever you want, darling, and Dean hadn't been thinking about anything other than getting off one more time but then he couldn't help remembering, and it was worse because Crowley was good, he'd made very sure of that, but it wasn't the same, and even if Dean's heart had been scabbed over and discarded he sure as hell knew the difference. Wondered if Crowley did. Or could.

Sam's hand slides from Dean's thigh to his hip. "Okay, so maybe we won't call Leroy," Dean says, and Sam kind of laughs and then he picks his head up and he kisses Dean, no pussyfooting around, no second-guessing. Dean grabs Sam's shoulders and opens up for it, flipped over. He thought Sam was—freaked, or upset, but he should've known better. All these years of knowing his brother. In short order he's on his back, hauled down with jeans slicking against the polyester comforter, and then there's—Sam leaning over him, and then his mouth dragging down the side of Dean's throat, and then—teeth—

"Christ," Dean puffs out, and feels Sam smile against his skin before he bites again, harder. Makes it hurt. He spreads his knees and Sam settles heavy there—his hand sliding up under Dean's shirt, making his stomach shudder—and the towel's pretty well given up the ghost but Dean tugs it out from between them anyway, and feels Sam's dick thick and getting thicker up against the inseam of his jeans, and his nuts heavy in his sack. Palms them there, feeling. God, how much he loves them. Just how soft, and tender, and full. What he'll give up, under Dean's hand. Although—he drags his heels up, bracketing Sam's thighs between his, and gets his other hand in Sam's hair, and tugs, and asks, "Hey—hey—your arm—?" Not wanting it over before it starts.

Sam pushes up over him, his eyes dark and his hair half-dry and wild around his face and his teeth bared, almost, his grin looks so wild. Dean's dick aches in his jeans. "My arm's good," he says, and grips Dean's crotch whole-handed and tight, defiant. Makes Dean arch into him, proving how much he means it. How much he always has.

[morgansunflower]

Worst Anniversary

Jason Todd X Wife! Reader

Warnings:suggestive content, explicit language.

Words:1234

Arthur's notes! Third P. O. V

Bruce and Jason become at odds with each other as the anniversary of his death nears.

Jason came inside. He was exhausted. He wanted to change his clothes and then lose himself in his spouse. He walks into their room seeing Y/N's head resting on her pillow. The moonlight shined through the windows onto her soft skin. She looked perfect. All he wanted was to lay with her and hold her. She opens her eyes and gives him a kind smile that faded to a saddened one. His eyes were heavy, shoulders slouching and his jaw clenched. Bad night.

"hey.. You ok? You look drained" she asked with a soft tone it blankets his heavy heart

Jason sighed heavily running his hand down his face "Bruce and I got into it, again"

"that's the third time this week. What's going on with you two?"

Jason began to rid of his clothes piece by piece "there was a bomb, I tried to diffuse it.. I did. He wasn't exactly proud that I didn't follow his exact orders" he lays on the bed wearing a fresh pair of underwear "Bruce lost his temper and grabbed my collar.. "

Jason lifts the covers and laid in the bed beside her. She lays on his chest laying close to him.

'go ahead and swing at me old man!! We both know you've been thinking about doing it for the last week' Jason had said with a glare

Batman had glared in anger of his sons recklessness and then he remembered.. He remembered Jason in his arms as he cried that his little boy was no longer with him. It was the very reason Bruce had been harder on Jason.

"we all know the day is nearing. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes but Bruce does love you. I'm sure he's scared of losing you again"

It was in 2 days now that it would be the anniversary of his death. Even though he was back, Bruce could never forgive himself. Every year on the day of the anniversary. He still would go to his room and look at Jason's favorite book. By the end he would be in tears. Guilt that he couldn't save him and now he had guilt that Jason hated him... He had no reason to harbor any less blame for what happened that day. Jason was anything but at ease. His anxiety was even more intense as the day became closer. Y/N accidentally dropped a cup and Jason flinched in fear. Y/N tried to help him unwind but he still was having trouble.. Coping. His panic attacks were becoming more frequent. Their son Tyler would often sleep with them worried about his dad. Every year was like this. Jason sat in the bed as Y/N took a shower. He hears his phone ringing he looks -Wonder-Mom-

He answered "hey D.. Everything OK?"

"I wanted to check on my son before the new day.. Your father told me of your troubles with with each other. I don't want to inflict pain to the already the difficult day.. However you should know.. He blames himself, son. Now I know he should be the one telling you this. He is soo proud of the man you are and he is only scared of losing you again"

Jason took a deep breath not knowing what to say. "thanks D.."

"I love you son and so does Bruce.. Please don't forget that" her voice was so genuine it made his heart wrench.

Why couldn't things go back to the way they were? Why can't they just move on? He just wanted to let it go. As Jason got off the phone. He sighed heavily running his hand down his face in frustration. Y/N stepped out of the shower drying herself with a, towel. She walks into the bedroom her husband still in great turmoil. She dresses herself in Jason's shirt and her pants. She crawled into the bed laying on his chest. Jason held her close fighting the need to close his eyes. Though she was just too comfortable or comforting.... Jason wakes early in the morning Y/N was still laid on his chest asleep. He gently rubbed her cheek. As she slowly began to wake up she squeezed him into a tight hug. She lifts her head to him kissing him. He kisses her deeply wishing he could escape the day while loving her immensely. He only parts so they could breath. He lays his forehead against her own.

"what do you want to do with the day?" she said optimistic trying to ease the inevitable of toady

"I don't know" she kisses his neck and forehead "I know I sure as hell don't want to sleep but I don't want to go through" he takes a deep breath hugging her "today"

"I know I wish I could help you more" she said genuinely.

Jason moved to look her in the eye "what?.. Y/N--" he scoffed at himself in guilt that she didn't realize "fuck babe. You do so much to help keep me at peace. You're the most amazing beautiful person. You think I didn't notice how hard you're trying? I genuinely appreciate you so much.. I'm sorry I didn't make that more clear"

She kisses him deeply "thank you for saying that and I know you appreciate me" he held her close as they look at each other in bliss. She held his face "you do a lot for me to, you know? Cooking me a delicious meal after I have a bad day. You make me feel so safe and secure. You make me feel so much better when I get upset.. I'm sorry if I ever didn't tell you that enough"

"I think it's safe to say we genuinely love the shit out of each other" he smirked to which she softly laughs.

Y/N's phone rings. She answers seeing it's Diana. Her heart wrenches as she hears Diana's voice shaking. Jason's face falls recognizing that look. Someone was hurt.. Bad.

"Diana, what's wrong?" Y/N asked holding Jason's hand

"I don't know how to really say this so I will get straight to the point. Bruce was ambushed last night.. He's stable now however his injuries were quite severe.. He's in a coma"

Jason could hear, what she said. The words sends chills down his back and made his heart heavy. He grits his teeth as his eyes shake. Who did this to his Dad? Jason got up and grabbed his red-hood uniform. As Y/N got off the phone with Diana she leaves the bed to stop her husband. He puts on his pants.

"Jason what are you doing?" she asked

"what does it look like I'm doing?!" he snapped putting on his shirt "I'm finding the bastard who did this and I'm taking care of it"

She takes his hands into her own before he could grab his helmet "Jason you're not going on some revenge hunt, especially not right now"

"and why the fuck not?! I'm thinking clearly! I'm fine!" he shouted on the verge of tears "I.. I" he stammered as he couldn't hold the pain away. As a tear fell down his face soon more follow by.

She hugs his neck as her own tears fall "it'll be OK I promise"

"I'm fine" he repeats shakily

"shhh" she mumbled as he buried his face in her neck

Requested taglist@too-strong-to-lose @asrainterstellar

[polyamorousmisanthrope]

Polyamory Can't Come From Cheating

From: https://polyamorousmisanthrope.com/wordpress/2017/05/14/polyamory-cant-come-from-cheating/

I’ve been getting several letters that look like this lately:

Dear Polyamorous Misanthrope,

My husband has had an affair and now wants to have a polyamorous relationship.  She is pregnant, and wants him to live with her.  How do I get over my jealousy and stop being so inadequate as a wife?

Any poly person who says that being angry at being mistreated is a symptom of inadequacy or that being jealous is somehow a personal failing isn’t someone you need to listen to at all.

Cheating and Polyamory

I’ve got some advice for both sides of the coin here.   Maybe you’ve cheated on your partner and want to be openly poly.  Maybe you’ve had a partner cheat on you and then decide poly is the thing to do.  In both cases, I’ve got some less than pleasant things to say.

If You are the Cheater

To repeat to the people who have cheated and think polyamory is going to be their Get out of Jail Free card, please understand that polyamory does not work if you are:

Lying to your partner.

Insensitive to your partner’s needs and desires.

Breaking agreements.

Expecting your partner to be convenient.

If you have cheated and want to save your marriage, you are going to need to earn back your spouse’s trust.  That is almost certainly not possible while still being involved with the person you’re cheating with.  It may not be possible at all.

If You are Being Cheated On

If have been cheated on and are being told that you’re to blame because of your “insecurities…”

You are being gaslighted.

Everyone’s behavior is always their very own fault.  If you slap your partner for cheating on you, you’re being abusive.  Your partner didn’t make you do it.  If your partner says you were too stifling and that’s why the cheating happened, the partner is still lying and breaking agreements. You didn’t make them do it.

Maybe you are insecure and need to work on that.  Fair enough.  Still not an excuse for breaking agreements.  The only ethical options available are re-negotiating the agreements or breaking the relationship off.

What Good Relationships Look Like

I’m not trying to paint relationships as throw-away things, by the way.  My shortest current relationship is celebrating its ten-year anniversary this summer.  The relationships I have survive happily because of three things that are really important:

We genuinely care about each other’s feelings.

I had a Bad Thing happen to me recently and the pain of it will hit me at odd moments.  The last time FWB visited, let’s just say I wasn’t feeling all that sexy.  He understood that and was fine with cuddling.  Do I realize and like… care about the fact that he might have felt disappointed?  Yep.  Very much so.  The point is that in good partnerships, there is mutual compassion. 

I cannot overstate the fact that in a good relationship, the mutuality of care is crucial.  You cannot abnegate yourself to earn the cookies of being cared about, though.  If it’s not mutual, if it’s a one-way street, you are genuinely better off without that relationship.  Love, deep down, is really what it’s all about.  I say it over and over and over again.  Without love, forget it.

We are honest with each other.

This has to be the most important part of the whole thing.  My husband and I really did nearly divorce because of a lack of honesty in communication.  We learned to be honest about what we wanted to do or not, and never to agree to something we didn’t want.  We found that where we disagreed, because we knew there were no hidden agendas, workarounds could easily be found that everyone could deal with happily. (Were that not so, we would have parted).

We recognize duty exists in relationships

Duty is not a popular word and I have been in relationships that eyeroll duty.  Never, ever again.  It is my duty to be honest about what I think and feel as well as volunteer my emotional state.  It is my duty to do what I say I am going to do.  It is my duty to tell my partner if my feelings have changed and I want something else.

I do not consent to relationships in which people do not feel the same way about the paragraph above.

This makes it sound all harsh and cold and no fun, which is, I am sure, why the word has fallen out of popularity.  But that’s not what my life looks like.  It feels secure and comfortable.  I know my partners will not grudgingly stay with me if they are unhappy.  I know they’re in my life because they want to be. 

I recommend a few articles, though, if you are dealing with a partner who has cheated on you, and you’re trying to decide what to do in the face of it.  Yes, this is stuff I’ve written, but I think it’s important.

Boundaries

How to Rebuild Trust

Vetos (Hint:  Hate ‘em and think they’re crap for learning appropriate boundaries)

The Emotional Bank Account

[dirtytransmasc]

Are yyou team green or black? And why?

team green, though I'm not in support of every green character (namely Otto though my opinion of him is complicated. I also have opinions on Aegon and his characterization that makes it even more complicated)

[I have only read bits and pieces of the book, so my opinion is based almost solely on the show. keep this in mind]

I'm team green for 3 big reasons. they're more complex, thought not perfect by any means, more morally "right", and are simply more my vibe when it comes to characters. now this is very simplified and not at all nuanced, so stick with me for a minute.

Firstly, they're more complex. the greens have very deep, detailed, and nuanced lives and stories that lead to them being very complex characters that can't be put into a box. Alicent was a child bride who had lost her mother young became a mother young and suffered at the hands of power and men all her life. her children were affected by this and the world they were forced to grow up in throughout their lives. even individually her kids are drastically different; aegon the child who was forced into a life he did not want and suffered due to his father neglect and mother pain. Helaena who was never understood and grew up treated like an oddity. Aemond who was never seen to his full potential, always ignored or looked over, angry throughout his life. each of them has strengths and weaknesses, flaws and benefits, they're imperfect but never completely horrid. they're also never simplified (not entirely, even when the plot and writers seek to simplify them) to the point that they put on a moral pedestal or made straight evil (i'd even argue that the attempts of the writer to oversimplify them as evil and in the wrong makes them 10x more fascinating). I find TB characters tended to miss the mark on that, always put in the moral light, not even allowed a moment to reflect on their actions, lives, or positions in any nuanced or meaningful way, so they always just feel dull. they're also out on a moral highground that they can never be budged from, which makes them harder to like and honestly, really boring. they get away with everything instead of being emotionally and morally nuanced.

secondly, they're more morally "right". I will never say that any of the greens are perfect, they are far from it (with the exception of Helaena and her kids, who have done literally nothing to anyone, but I digress). what I will say, 9/10 times there is some level of reasoning that has some level of reasoning. Alicent always tries to do whats best for everyone, all throughout the series she tried to do best by the court, the king, her children, the realm, and Rhaenyra. did she always succeed? no, but she always tried and her mistakes were almost always honest. I will say she held resentment towards Rhaenya, but honestly, I can't blame her. Rhaenyra's lies and behavior hurt Alicent over and over again so for her to be angry is expected.when it came to succession, Alicent backed Rhaenyra until it was made clear she and Daemon would be a threat to her children's lives and even than she held mercy for Rhaenyra. Aegon's drinking can be blamed on the abuse and neglect he suffered at Viserys, Otto, and Alicent's (though the abuse and neglect from his mother is insanely different and nuanced. she perpetuated her pain onto him because she couldn't heal herself. so I hesitate to call it abuse, cause its so much more complicated than that) hands. though nothing will justify his rape of Dyana, I personally think it was a bad add in on the writers part, and leave it at that. Aemonds rage after years of being ignored doesn't entirely justify what he did to luke, but he had reason for his cruelty after years of Luke (and jace tbh) being cruel just because they could. TB characters tend to do terrible things in response to either A. nothing B. their own terrible things. Daemon kills who he wants when he feels like it, even for stating facts. Rhaneyra will lie and hurt those around her to protect her bastard children. both of them conspire to protect themselves and allow themselves to be wed, really just cause. while there are times they have their reasons, its a lot less of the time, and typically the backing to their actions, is they were trying to unbury themselves from within their own graves. (to preface, I don't care about rhaenyra sleeping around, it doesn't bother me, but its the fact that she will hurt everyone around her to protect her lies, allowing a child to be maimed and people to be murdered)

thirdly, they're my vibe. I like morally complex character, who are, to be frank, pathetic. I like characters with complex trauma's and issues, who aren't perfect people but its not entirely their fault. I would much rather watch a whole show about alicent, a child bride who tries so hard to be a good wife, queen, and mother while not prepared for any such role. Aegon who is a boy with severe mommy and daddy issues, a drinking problem, a flawed past, and constantly wet eyes. Helaena an ignored girl who has suffered for no better reason then her family. and Aemond, a boy who was tormented, bullied, maimed, and made stronger by it at the cost of his compassion and emotional stability - over a nepo baby who was coddled by her father, her murderous husband with a knack for unneeded violence, and her similarly coddled children (the show boiled them down to this, in my opinion). one is simply more up my alley than the other. I want character that need to be dissected, who have suffered, who hurt me to look at.

also, team black created almost all of their own problems. seeing as the main source of contention had to do with Rhaenyra's kids being bastards, which was Rhaenyra's problem, which she caused, and kept digging and digging that grave (faking Laenors death just so she could marry daemon, turning the blame on aemond when luke maimed him furthering the divide amongst the house, trying to wed Helaena to Jace putting her in danger, trying to take the driftmark throne and killing Vaemond for a claim her sons did not have, etc,) till viserys's death, earns her a lot less pity from me. at the end of the day, her being a woman was only a needle in a haystack worth of problems she caused herself that hurt her claim. if she had just strived to create to connection with ancient and her kids, and didn't make herself look like a threat to everyone who lessened her claim (which alicents kids would be the first people to be taken out) alicent would have backed like she had all season and there would have been no war, maybe conflict, but no war.

theres also the effect of the fans on my opinion. I have faced more cruelty, terrible media analysis, and outright ableism/misogny/(blood and sexual based) purist ideology/etc. from the TB fans then I have ever witness by TG fans. TB fans have ruined almost all of the TB characters for me in more ways than I can count, so I will say I am very biased.

thats why I'm team green. as a whole they are simply more appealing, their stories are more interesting, demand more attention to detail and emotional understanding, and from my point of view were the "right" side to be on in the war (the war was wrong on both sides, but my chips lie in the favour of the greens).

[starter-library]

BLACK FRIDAY LYRIC STARTERS feel free to change phrasing/pronouns as you see fit

“Wiggle your way through life!”

“Anything that he wants he can have it”

“Even now, it's a dream the kind that makes you question reality”

“I couldn't hold him still to teach him guitar”

“All I need is a break from the madness”

“He still lights up a room it's just less frequently that you catch him in bloom”

“I hit replay on that night over and over again ‘till it gives up the fight but there's no end”

“All I know is you”

“I'm scared you blame me for your luck”

“I'd give up both my arms to get you on track”

“My mom’s a bitch”

“The past's a virus, babe”

“What the use of wages ff you can't afford a smoke?”

“We survived the crisis, babe”

“It's been real - real bad. I’d say you did your best but I'm not a liar”

“I'd give you an address but I don't want. To don't write, don't call, don't ask”

“I think they dated in high school”

“She's not as hot as she used to be”

“What do you say when you love each other”

“Oh, God, it's a trainwreck. My favorite!”

“We're slashing prices cause you've got vices”

“Did you know if you spend money your kids will love you, maybe”

“You could've shopped any day but you chose today”

“I'll gladly take your money now”

“Remember all your cheques are null and void”

“Your net worth is in my back pockets”

“Do we have any morality?”

“It's my little boyfriend”

“You never should settle for the lifetime that is handed to you”

“If you should find that you're about to get the short of the stick take what you want return what you get”

“No need to raise the stakes when you're on the wall”

“There are monsters that live in your head”

“It's the only chance we have”

“You'd better align your soul with what's good and right”

“Look me in the eye now, sir and make a solemn vow to become your best self now”

“I know it’s hard. The world is pain and distraction”

“It's only a matter of time 'til Christmas Break”

“We're here to make sure you don't screw up Christmas”

“You look just the same as I always remember”

“You and I were meant to be something more than a faded memory”

“Take me back in time to love you”

“You don’t look the same at all as I remember”

“Take me back in time to love you, hold me closer than before”

“It gets exhausting, everyone looking at me”

“You will adore me I just know. You'll kneel before me”

“I demand your love and worship too if I don't get it I will end you”

“You thought that you could outsmart the very thing that runs the blood of your kind?”

“Behold the depths of depravity and decay”

“I'm sorry, [name], I fucked it up!”

“Now the end is nigh, the apocalypse here”

“Is this what I lived for?”

“There's something that's beautiful being awake for my funeral”

“Is there some lesson to learn? Should I never have wanted?”

“Were the decks always just this stacked”

“I don't want your half-baked sympathy. When did it save those in need?”

“Only my ashes will see the sea”

“Did I need her more than she needed me?”

“There are monsters that we all should dread”

“Everyone's dying and that includes me too”

“If I fail you one more time the punishment won't match the crime”

“There' no pain that could ever explain how I let you down”

“I failed you once and I will fail again”

“Maybe he's happy I wouldn't have any idea”

“But deep down it didn't matter I was with him”

“You're not that cute, are you? In fact, you're real fuckin' ugly”

“That I'm the one who wronged what's right”

“Do you all see the memories?”

[dustyoo10]

Very tired and I can't sleep, this thought is stuck in my head and normally I just bottle it up and let it fester but I have an outlet now where I can talk about these sort of things, so might as well. Hopefully it'll help me sleep.

Warning for discussions about death and some pretty serious stuff:

In 2022 I lost my cat Bailey. This was easily the most painful time in my life, and it was my first real experience with loss. I had lost relatives before, pets too, but never like this. It was about 2 months of excruciating pain and anxiety.

We would let her out and she would usually hang in the backyard or front yard. She loved to sunbathe. Part of me blames my dad for her death but I feel any one of us could have made this mistake, I still struggle with it. I should have looked, too. He didn't check to see if she was inside when he set out her dinner. She was stuck out there all night during a heatwave.

When I woke up in the morning and noticed she wasn't inside, I tried to see if she was outside, I found her at the side of the house on the hot concrete, barely awake. She was struggling to breathe and her skin was loose and saggy. I picked her up and brought her inside and told my dad something was wrong with her. He insisted she was fine and that her raspy breathing was actually "purring". She could hardly move. I woke my mom and told her what was happening, and I had to convince her to take her to the emergency vet. It felt like no one saw she was dying except me.

After a checkup and some shots she appeared to be doing better, I believe they said it was dehydration. I had stayed up all night and I stayed up even longer watching her. That's what hurts the most. I was awake during the night when she was out there on her own.

Regardless, this marked a complete turn in her health. She was in good shape for 14, but that drastically fell after that day. I didn't go to our family reunion so that I could watch after her. Honestly, I don't know how my family was fine with her being alone for several days whilst dying. Even if I didn't care for her as much as I did, I wouldn't leave anyone like that.

I struggled to get her to eat anything other than sips of tuna water, and it seemed like she never slept. She couldn't, she was too weak. I couldn't sleep either. I've always had bad insomnia, but this was much worse.

A few weeks later I convinced my mom to take her to the vets again. I was adamant that if we just took her to the vets they could fix her, even though a part of me deep down knew that wasn't true. The morning we were supposed to go I was in the restroom when I noticed that I didn't feel anything in my chest. my heart wasn't beating. I had a vasovagal response, it's when your blood pressure drops rapidly due to immense anxiety, which had never happened to me before. It was a good minute before I nearly collapsed downstairs. I was pale and struggling to breathe while my mom was trying to help me recover.

The vet ended up being closed that day, and we only learned whilst we were in the car with Bailey, who was extremely distressed. I think it was a good thing. If they were open it would've served no more than to prolong the inevitable and to keep her suffering. There was no fix for this. I believe she had air in her lungs, from the post-mortem scan. Some sort of cancer or disease she had from being a barn kitten. So there really was nothing we could do. Well, there was something I could do.

When we got back home I sat and thought, and I decided to take initiative for once rather than waiting for something to happen, or hoping some miracle would fall down from the sky. I went to my mom and told her she needed to be euthanized while tearing up. My mom didn't say it, but she already knew this. She went along with my idea that something could help her so as to not upset me. At the vet she'd either have been euthanized there, or told that she doesn't have long regardless.

She called a mobile vet so that she could be put to sleep her at home. We brought her out to the deck for the last time, and I sat with her, constantly wiping snot from my nose, and trying my best to enjoy that last moment with her. At this point she was falling apart, she could hardly keep herself concious.

The vet came and put her to sleep. When the syringe went it she bit down on my hand, leaving a mark that's still there. Then her eyes just sort of glazed and she began to drift. She couldn't get the euthanasia needle into the right spot in our house, so she took Bailey to her RV and did it there. She let us come see her one last time and I regret that. I put my ear on her chest and felt nothing, so I left really quickly after that. My mom came over to me while Bailey was leaving our driveway to be cremated and hugged me, and I started sobbing while she held me.

I went inside, got in the shower, curled up and started crying harder than I ever had in my life. I wasn't good enough to her, there was a lot of things i didn't do right, and that was the first day in my 19 years of life that it truly dawned on me that people will die. You don't get an infinite amount of time to make up for your mistakes, and you don't get infinite time with them.

In a way it was both sad and relieving. She was in pain for so long. Now she could finally sleep, and so could I. I no longer had to worry about waking up and finding her dead, or laying in bed restless because I didn't want to leave her alone. She died on September 6th, 2022.

Over a month later, I got B.B. after much convincing from my mom. Bailey was originally my sister's cat, but my mom ended up taking responsibilities for her since my sister was only 14, although i had to convince her that I was older and more responsible. I had lived the majority of my life with a cat, and a part of it was just empty without her. B.B. wasn't meant to fill that hole in my heart that Bailey left, but to give me something else to love, and this time I would do everything right.

Apologies for anyone who didn't want to read something like this.

[descendinginto-madness]

awake.

word count: 1073

content warnings: mentions of injury, medication & hospital(ish) setting

summary: after being seriously injured during a mission, march finally wakes up.

author's notes: ermmm hi :3 this is a sequel for the thing i wrote for day 2 and i kiinda feel like i'm cheating because today's prompt is barely in here but,,, for the sake of continuity it's gonna be this way LOL also march didn't deserve this tbh. i'll admit i'm evil

When March wakes up, she's confused. 

She registers a few things all at once, too, and it's not really helping: she's lying down on something soft, there's something else covering her body, her chest feels weird, and the light in this… place, wherever she is… It isn't very strong, but still too bright for her eyes, and she has to squint for a moment. Once they adjust, though, she can finally look around - and what she sees is the Astral Express's infirmary. She's lying in bed, and there's someone sleeping on the chair next to it.

Dan Heng.

…Right.

It's when she recognizes him that she also remembers what happened. The fight, the injury… Then Stelle and Dan Heng's worried faces above her, Dan Heng picking her up, asking her to stay awake?... 

Maybe.

She isn't entirely sure about these last few things, they're all blurry in her mind, as if engulfed in thick fog. She remembers that she was in pain and shock and scared, though, so it's probably because of that - but even when she knows the reason, it's still a little frustrating. She doesn't like not being able to remember things. Even when it comes to a situation like this, she's pretty sure she would've preferred the details, no matter how terrifying all of that was for her at the moment.

She doesn't want any more black holes in her memory.

Now that she's awake, though, she will surely be able to fill in the blanks with the help of her friends…. If they want to talk about this, of course, and she has a feeling they won't. Not like she can't really blame them for that - it must've been quite scary for them as well… Especially if she has been unconscious long enough for someone else to fall asleep waiting for her to wake up.

“Dan Heng?” she says, and her voice is so weak it almost scares her. She doesn't really feel this weak - sure, she's still tired, and sleepy, but that might also be due to some medicine she might be under the influence of right now. To prove to herself that it’s really not that bad more than anything else, she attempts to pull herself up - and immediately fails.

Oh.

That's… Not ideal. 

She waits for a moment, but nothing happens; either Dan Heng's sleep is too deep, or she was too quiet, even with her attempts to move. She tries to speak again, this time a bit louder.

“Dan Heng?”

…

Still nothing.

Alright, third time's the charm.

“Dan Heng!”

It's still not loud, and almost makes her cough, but it does the job; her friend flinches, suddenly awake, and for a moment looks startled - it almost makes her giggle. His eyes finally land on her, though, and then his expression instantly changes into a mix of… everything, really; worry and relief, surprise and happiness, before he manages to somewhat compose himself. Only his voice isn't quite as serious and steady as usual, the relief clearly present in there.

“March.” The way he says her name is so soft that makes her feel oddly warm inside. “March,” he repeats. He seems… Unsure; about what to do, what to say, and clearly struggling to find the right words, and she smiles. 

“That’s my name alright,” she says, but it only takes a few seconds for her to remember something and for that smile of hers to fade. 

“Dan Heng?” This time it's her who's hesitating. “I’m sorry.” She looks away from him, suddenly a heavy feeling in her heart. It's… Not very nice, obviously, but it's best to apologize as soon as she can.

At the very least, Dan Heng seems to be genuinely surprised by her apology, and it makes her feel a little better.

“What for?” he asks.

“I… must’ve made you terribly worried, right?” she replies, letting out a quiet sigh. “If I was more careful—” She doesn’t even manage to finish the second sentence and he's already shaking his head.

“No,” he says, and his voice is slightly more firm, but still gentle. Reassuring. “You didn’t do anything— if anything, I should apologize. If I was more careful nothing would’ve happened either, and now, if I got here even slightly too late…” His voice trails off, and March's expression softens when she hears that, her eyes filled with worry. Of course he feels responsible for that. Of course he feels like he should have protected her better. Dan Heng, who treats her like his younger sister and who would give his life for her without a second of hesitation.

But the most she can do right now is smile reassuringly - at the very least, she hopes it’s reassuring and not mostly tired.

“It’s not your fault either,” she disagrees and he nods, but still doesn’t look convinced, and… Ah. Maybe it's not the most appropriate thought at the moment, but March already knows that in a while, when all the emotions caused by this incident are dull, she’s going to tease him about how worried he was, even if just so slightly. 

Not right now, though; especially since something else catches his attention - for the best for him, probably. 

“You look tired,” he notices, and she can't help but feel like he's so glad to change the topic because he's afraid she might be about to try and start blaming herself for everything again. “You should rest more.” 

Normally, she would’ve argued with him about that, but right now, she really does feel tired, she too can hear just how quiet her voice is, and… honestly, all this talking is draining her much more than it should.

“It’s alright.” Because it really is, even despite all that; in the end, she doesn't mind talking to Dan Heng at all, but by the time he says these two words, he has already stood up from his chair.

“I’ll— let the others know you're alright,” he says. “And I can get you something if you need anything.”

She thinks for a moment and shakes her head gently.

“I don't.”

“Okay. I'll be back soon, but please rest.” He gives her one more worried look before heading towards the door.

In a slightly different situation, right now it would've hit her how lonely this room is about to get, but it doesn't happen right now.

She falls asleep before Dan Heng even leaves the room.

divider by @/cafekitsune

[rosewould]

cynics; jns

part v

masterlist

words; 4.7k

genre; angst

warnings; gross description of feces, graphic descriptions gore, mentions of non-con elements (not with johnny or mc), mentions of disturbing bullying, self-deprecating thoughts, let me know if I missed anything

preface; The whole Dream thing is a coincidence... not a reference. Should be 2-3 parts left now. Just an additional warning that this will not be an easy read. Even without the gore and shit, it's just a bit depressing lol. Also I hope that people don't hate mc-

Johnny was rigid with horror as he stared down at the feces in the toilet bowl. 

"This is- you can't!" Johnny blubbers through tears as Hyojong grips him firmly by his hair. His fingers are laced so tightly within his locks that he can hear a slight ripping sound. Johnny shudders, pleading with the boy pathetically. 

"Those should be happy tears." Hyojong rubs harshly at Johnny's cheek, "I could be stomping your brains into the pavement. Be happy I'm not." Hyojong pulls his head back so far that he feels a sharp pain in his spine. Johnny cries out.

"I-I'm sorry! I won't do it again! I promise!"

"You should've thought about that before you put your hands on my girlfriend."

The smell...

Johnny still remembers it vividly to this day. For about a month, he threw up at the thought of the incident. That was the day that solidified Johnny's fear of Kim Hyojong. Even after said incident, thinking about how all of that transpired still made Johnny burn with rage. Hyuna had forced you to follow her around like her pet. Johnny tried to snap you out of it but you were so happy to fit in. He couldn't get you to tell him exactly what happened, but he walked in on Hyuna fuming about something. Her kicking you in the stomach over and over. She must have been doing it for a while since when Johnny walked in, you coughed up blood. In a fit of rage, Johnny shoved Hyuna onto the floor and ran to your side. 

It would be a very long time before Johnny could forget about those two, if he ever would. Still, he hadn't had nightmares about them since sophomore year. He had no clue why they were back, but he decided to blame it on your interaction. Everything that happened yesterday didn't sit well with Johnny. After you accused him of being worse than Hyojong and Hyuna, the two people that abused you physically, mentally, and emotionally, he was already in the wrong mindset. Then he had to deal with YangYang and his dubious motives. Johnny even waited by your door until every single person funneled out of your house. It was hard to find an excuse, not that he was proud of feeling like he needed one. 

The way Mark looked at Johnny before he left made Johnny feel sick. 

"You didn't, did you?" He asked quietly, the fact that he even had to ask filled him with dismay. 

The words sat in Johnny's stomach like a brick. He'd like to think the shock from Mark's words was the reason he hesitated to deny that he took advantage of your vulnerable state. So bad, he wanted to. But deep down in the depths of his soul was a sordid, merciless, and demanding voice. 

Sacrifice it plead. Or risk regression.

"No. How could you even ask me that?" Johnny shouted, trying to block out those thoughts. 

Maybe the nightmares were a reminder. A reminder of what he sacrificed you for to escape.

-

How pathetic were you? You let them into your home, almost let YangYang have his way with you, and then Johnny? You wanted Johnny to feel pain so he could know what he put you through, but your stupid fucking heart was resentful. Over what? You refused to give it the time of day. You were already fucked up as it is.

"Did something happen? Did you talk to Taeyong?" Jisoo questions, growing impatient with your lack of urgency.

"Soo, I have it under control, I promise." You didn't mean for the exasperation to seep through in your voice. Before you could apologize she was shooting up from your couch.

"I'm not an idiot! Something happened, meaning you clearly don't have it under control!" Jisoo balls her fists, eyes sharp as she stares at you. It was beyond stressful for Jisoo to see you like this. You haven't spoken to her or Jungwoo in a week, you look like you've barely slept, and your house is a mess.

"If you truly think I'm not okay then why are you screaming at me right now?" You stand up as well, matching her volume.

"I just want you to talk to me about this! It's literally what I'm here for! I-" Jisoo cuts herself off with a defeated sigh. "I'm so worried about you I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so scared that they're gonna do something to you-"

"Oh please. They won't actually do anything other than talk shit." You say dismissively, waving your hand as a visual representation of how baseless you thought her claims were.

"Are we talking about the same people here? The same people who made you run to us sobbing because they were so awful? They put you through hell, and you're standing there trying to convince me they're harmless?"

Her words make you pause. You never considered how pathetic you must've looked to Jisoo and Jungwoo. "What, were you annoyed you had to help your friend through a hard time?" You ask, caution evident on your face despite how sturdy you tried to appear.

"We were annoyed at your carelessness." It wasn't easy for Jisoo to admit and it was even harder for you to swallow. "One day you'd be torn up over the horrible things they say to you and the next you'd happily show us a picture you took with them. As if nothing ever happened."

Embarrassed was one way to put it, but ashamed was more apt. Your crumbling confidence didn't deter Jisoo from adding salt to the wound.

"Think about it. We were just building you up so they could topple you over again like it was nothing. It was exhausting, ___." Jisoo's shoulder drop with a sigh. She didn't want to hurt you, but she couldn't deny how freeing it was to get that off her chest. You stand there, rigid as you contemplate how to respond.

"I'm gonna go, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I think you need to be alone for a while, including Taeyong and Mark. Everything happening all at once has to be overwhelming." 

Jisoo reluctantly turns to leave. She wants to stay with you and keep you company so she won't have to worry about those imbeciles taking advantage of you, but there's no doubt in her mind that you aren't very fond of her right now. A hurt smile stretches and distorts your features as your next words get caught in your throat.

"You think you know what's best for me? You must think you know everything, little miss perfect- hey!" Jisoo stares blankly at you as you chase after her, closing the door in your face. Her expression says it all. She wasn't affected by your words because of your pathetic state. What could a damaged, sad idiot like you say that was actually significant? You, the person whose only source of dick was a taken man who pitied her. Only friends were people who looked down on her or saw her as a nuisance. An undesirable chore.

All you needed was half an hour with Jungwoo to make you feel better. You weren't even going against Jisoo's advice to spite her. You might even take it, but all you need is for Jungwoo to sneak over and help distract you even for a little while.

Jungwoo: ___... I can't.

Jungwoo: I'll call you when I'm not so busy, yeah?

The dark thoughts jabbing at you for the past week were cackling. Splitting their sides as they pointed and mocked you. An undesirable chore.

Though you wouldn't dare bring those thoughts to the forefront or god forbid speak them out loud, a stubborn part of you was screaming 'Fuck Jisoo's advice'. When Mark came over the next day, you let him in without hesitation. The two of you played video games while you listened to him rant. About the boys.

"Nayeon constantly being around is bad enough. Don't get me wrong, she was pretty cool at first, but even she became unbearable around the other guys. They're just so negative all the time. Ugh! Now listen to me, whining like a little baby."

Jisoo had no clue what she was talking about. This was a great idea. 

"You're not, I understand exactly what you mean."

"And god forbid I speak for a second. They're constantly mocking me. Or even worse, biting my head off for interrupting their perv time. I looked over and Doyoung, Lucas, and YangYang were looking at pictures of naked girls. Doyoung even got a boner." Mark's face twists in disgust as his eyes flicker around your TV screen. "I just can't fight this feeling that they're up to no good. Planning something bad. Do me a favor and be careful around them. Especially Johnny."

Your eyes tear away from the game to gawk at Mark who kept his eyes trained on the TV. "Especially Johnny?"

Mark sighs, searching for the words to express his concerns. "He was getting better after the incident-that-shall-not-be-named... but I don't know." He looks troubled, all the fire snuffed out at the thought of the person he was closest to being malicious. "I-I just get this feeling."

Watching him, you couldn't stop feeling the deja vu. His passionate drive to protect you. A drive that only faltered when he thought about something that deeply worried him. It was all too familiar.

"I'll be careful, I promise."

Mark cheers when he wins after continuing to fight your defenseless character. He sets the controller down before raising his pinky toward you. "Pinky promise?"

You both smile as you wrap your pinky around his, pressing the pads of your thumbs together.

"Good, because I really want you to come to my friend's party. He's cool with YangYang, so all of them are probably coming. I was so bummed about you possibly not coming, but as long as you're aware of how creepy those four are acting, it should be fine." Mark sounds like he's convincing himself as he unlatched from your pinky.

A party couldn't hurt. You'd probably just drink and talk to Mark the whole time anyway. Jisoo would be fuming if she knew you accepted his invitation.

-

The cracked door window. The nightmares. His fucking pansies. Now this. His friends were over again, loud and obnoxious as he swept up the debris of his shattered air conditioner. His living room was as hot as sin, only adding to his sour mood. 

"Renjun's a really popular streamer, so a lot of famous creators will be there." YangYang raises his eyebrows with a silent implication. Lucas and Doyoung look up from their phones.

"D'you think that Naeun will be there?" Doyoung says quietly, leaning toward the other two.

"Who cares. She's so stuck up. The only games she plays are stupid. She's just there to nab a quick buck from sad saps stupid enough to fall for her schemes." Lucas spat, slouching further down on Johnny's couch.

"Aw, did she reject you, bro?" YangYang laughs as he nudges Lucas with his elbow.

"Who fucking cares. Is Johnny's girl coming or no?"

When Johnny looks up from the mess at the sound of his name, the three stooges were staring expectantly at him. "I dunno. She's not my girl."

"Who ___? She's coming. Little tiger invited her." Mark's eyes blow wide as Nayeon ruffles his hair.

"I-I don't know actually. She just texted me today saying she might have to cancel, so I wouldn't bet on it."

Johnny couldn't tell that Mark was lying, so he had the displeasure of feeling the hope draining from his chest. 

"Bummer." YangYang mutters.

"Why? I thought you hated her?" Nayeon asked in genuine confusion. 

"I dunno. I guess I might be warming up to her." YangYang shrugged with a smirk. Johnny didn't miss the way his eyes quickly flitted in his direction.

Whatever got into YangYang was a mystery, but it made him more antagonistic toward Johnny. He didn't have the energy for whatever he was up to. Everyone was always at his house and things keep going wrong. Now he has to worry about YangYang and his games.

-

"I didn't think you'd come since your girlfriend wasn't coming." YangYang approached Johnny from behind, muttering into his ear. Johnny rolls his eyes. He was already getting a headache from the loud music and the strong drink in his hand.

"My girlfriend? You're the one getting weirdly close to her."

"Weirdly? Aw, is little Johnny jealous?" YangYang's hands shaking Johnny's shoulders drew him ever so close to burning with rage.

"YangYang I'm not in the mood." He spat, shrugging his hands off. The shorter male gasps as he turns toward the door.

"You're gonna be in a minute." He turns Johnny's head toward the front door with hands on either side of it.

Before Johnny could blow a fuse, his eyes landed on you. You look as stunning as you could underneath the obvious distress. Eyes sporting dark circles that no amount of concealer could hide. Still, the long-sleeved black dress you were wearing hugged your body nicely. It had a bit of lace lining your collar and the end of the skirt. How could he possibly miss the slit on your left leg that your upper thigh peeked through? 

You were always so stylish, so it wasn't unusual to see how well you paired jewelry with your look. It's been a while since Johnny saw you dressed up like this.

"Go ahead. Go talk to her."

Johnny ripped his head out of YangYang's grasp. "No. Why would I?"

"Fine. Then I will." He pushes past him, in hot pursuit of you. He was walking too fast for Johnny to stop him without yelling across the room. Johnny had to do something. He started making his way toward you, but to his surprise, you were walking past YangYang in Johnny's direction. 

Johnny opens his mouth to greet you but you breeze right past him. He tightens his grip on his drink. 

-

"Hey! Guys, this is ___." Mark beams when he sees you, sporting freshly dyed blue hair. You wave at each of the six boys standing around him. You recognized all of them from Mark's streams. They called themselves the Dreamies and were gaining popularity fast. It was kind of intimidating to be in their presence. Them being potential Twitch celebrities and all.

"It's nice to finally see you in person." Renjun pushes forward and extends his hand toward you. You accept his hand with a smile. Jisoo was wrong again. This was going to be great.

The sheer number of boys bickering and cracking jokes was daunting at first, but by the time you migrated to Renjun's couch, everything felt a little more natural. 

"Let's ask the expert then, shall we?" Jaemin theatrically proposes, gesturing at you. You sit up, always up for talking about your favorite game. "Who is the best at being a survivor?" All of the boys look at you hopefully before they start chaotically pleading their case.

"I have never gotten hooked twice in my life!" Jeno announces.

"That's because your builds are toxic. I can run laps around any killer without crazy perks." Renjun explains.

"We've all seen how bad you are at looping. Let's not be silly, now." Jaemin condescends. "It's obviously me."

They begin to argue with each other about their strengths and weaknesses before you stop them with a loud 'Hey!'.

"From what I've seen on Mark's streams, Jeno is the best survivor."

Jeno smiles triumphantly as the boys all groan in protest. You get nervous for a moment. This is usually when people try to convince you that you don't know what you're talking about, despite being one of the best players in the country. It's very seldom that other streamers give you props instead of trying to tear you down to make themselves feel better.

"___... don't tell me you're about to defend toxic builds." Jaemin pinches his nose bridge.

"Never. But Jeno is very calculated. It's very interesting to watch him examine his surroundings and plan for the killer's arrival. I was shocked to find out he doesn't play often." You explain, trying to convince them that you're reasoning is sound.

"Alright, you guys heard her. She's better than all of you combined." says Haechan.

"Jeno's never going to let us forget this, is he?" Chenle sighs defeatedly.

"I don't think I would either." Jisung shrugs.

"Me either. We've got to play with her on stream one of these days."

Perhaps it's stupid, but you never ask anyone to stream with you. You always wait for them to ask first. It's probably the reason you're still not that big. The last thing you wanted was to seem like was a leech, but by avoiding that you've never streamed with anyone else but the boys. So the fact that the Dreamies were all nodding their head in agreement to let you stream with them made your eyes light up with excitement.

"Wait, really?" You sit forward, examining all the faces looking at you.

"I mean... yeah. I never get to stream with you because we don't play the same games. I think our audience would be excited to have someone so good." Mark suggests, checking his friend's reactions. "Why don't we start planning now?"

To say you were flattered would be a gross understatement. You knew you were good at all the games you played and had awards to prove it, but you never really got much recognition. It was finally happening. You paced back and forth in one of the bedrooms as you pressed your phone to your ear.

"Hello?" Jungwoo sounds slightly irritated when he picks up the phone.

"You'll never guess what just happened-"

"Where have you been? Is that music in the background?"

Your smile falters at the bite in his tone. "Uh, yeah. I'm at a party."

"I've been waiting at your house for ages now."

You got whiplash from the speed at which your emotions shifted. Why your stupid heart was filling with hope, you'd never understand. You shouldn't get your hopes up at the thought of him sneakily visiting you despite what Jisoo wanted. But dammit, it felt good. 

"When are you going to be back?"

Was he really going to keep you company against Jisoo's wishes? You wondered how many more surprises today had in store.

"I can come back now if that's what you need."

"That would be great, Jisoo said her bracelet might be here. She's really worried and I need help finding it."

Of course you thought as the crack in your ego broadened. You hung up, chest hurting as you desperately tried to distract yourself. You had just received great news. This would significantly bolster your career. Everything was fine. And the guys are so nice to you, this was going to be great.

They're only nice to you because they want something out of you.

No, that's not true. I can tell they're genuine.

I guess we'll see.

The voice bellowed at you, only getting louder as you visibly shrink.

Nobody actually loves you. When they've had their fill, they'll toss you to the side. 

"___?"

The nasty feeling brewing in the pit of your stomach only grows when your eyes land on YangYang. He watches you with a strange expression as he closes the door.

"I was looking for you."

"I'm not in the mood right now, YangYang."

He mutters something under his breath about getting deja vu before focusing back on you. "Why don't you tell me about it?"

"Look, that night I wasn't in my right mind. What we would've done was a mistake. A mistake I'm not looking to repeat tonight." You explain carefully, hoping you didn't have to expand on anything and he'd just leave.

"I saw you talking to the Dreamies. Seems like you were getting along."

"Yes, we were. They're kind and funny."

"They make you feel good, huh?" YangYang presses nearer with a lust-filled look on his face. You scoff, extending your hand to stop him from getting any closer.

"Funny how that works. You make someone feel good and they want to be around you."

He chuckles and you feel it rumble in his chest against your palm. "What's funny is how that's all it takes. Just a little flattery and you're all over them." The malice in his voice makes your smile fall. "Don't be like that, baby. You know I only tell you the truth to help you. To help you see the truth."

You marvel at the man before you. "Wow... you get the timing right and everything..." 

It was almost impressive, his ability to manipulate. As if he knew exactly what you were talking about, he smiles. But it's cold and uninviting. 

"If feeling good is your goal, I could make you feel good in a way that's actually beneficial." His voice felt like worms entering your ears and settling under your skin. You push against him with the hand that's still on his torso. "Come on baby. A little fun wouldn't hurt."

The female voice calling for YangYang was your knight in shining armor. 

"He's in here!" You shout. YangYang's attempt at an unassuming disposition ceases, the real him on full display as he scowls at you.

Lee Naeun opens the door and looks around before her eyes land on his annoyed face.

"Oh! There you are! I was looking for you everywhere. I was beginning to think Lucas was lying about you being here to get rid of me." She laughs awkwardly, her crooked brows expressing her embarrassment. 

"You were looking for me?" YangYang is already exiting the room and slowly shutting the door behind him. Before it fully shuts, Naeun's inviting facade drops for a moment to make way for worry as she looked at you. 

For a moment it felt good. You successfully avoided doing something incredibly stupid. But just like before, you were alone in a dark room.

-

Naeun flicked open her compact to reapply her lipstick. "You owe me one, Suh." She says, regretful over her actions.

"For sure. Let me know if you ever need anything." Johnny responds quickly. If it weren't for Taeyong, Naeun wouldn't even know he existed, and now they were acquainted enough to do favors for each other. He should be thankful for all the opportunities he's been given by his friends, but it just feels unfulfilling in a way he can't put his finger on.

"Nah, forget about it. I'm actually kind of glad I could help out. You're a pretty great guy, Johnny Suh." She punches his shoulder with an impressed smile. Johnny nods silently as she walks away. Though YangYang had seemingly been subdued, chatting in the corner contently with another girl, Johnny still felt uneasy. The bedroom door down the hall still hadn't opened. You were still in there.

As he made his way to the bedroom, he wondered if YangYang had already done something. Naeun said it didn't look like it so why were you still cooped up in there? That wasn't the only thing carrying him toward the door and he knew it. He found himself following you like a moth drawn to a flame, chasing your warmth in a time of frigid loneliness. 

"Hey." A stern voice causes Johnny to stop reaching for the door. He turns around to see Mark's disapproving glare. He looked at Johnny as if he caught him red-handed doing something nefarious. 

"I just want to check on her." Johnny wants to be annoyed with Mark, but he knows deep down that he has every reason to be suspicious. 

"I do too. Don't you think it's better if I do it?" Mark asks. Johnny could tell he felt shitty about not trusting him. There was regret behind his eyes. After a few moments of silence, Mark can't find it in him to look at Johnny's hurt expression anymore. He turns the doorknob and disappears behind the door.

That night after Johnny left the party, he had the worst nightmare he ever experienced. Johnny's face was hovering over the dreaded toilet bowl again, feeling his stomach turn. 

"Please Hyojong! I'm sorry!"

"Look at you, crying like a little baby. So pathetic. Have you no dignity?" Hyojong's voice was weird, it wasn't his at all. "Let's see just how pathetic you are. Repeat after me. I'm a waste of space and nobody loves me."

Johnny was suddenly watching himself being held over the toilet bowl. Except, it wasn't him. The person turns their head and horror fills Johnny's body as your eyes meet his. You look horrified as you plead with him to let you go. The words leave Johnny's mouth against his will.

"Say it or I swear to god, I'll bash your face against this fucking toilet." Pure venom poured from his lips. His heart was pounding in his ears. It was his hand gripping at your hair and holding your head in place.

"I'm a waste of space and nobody loves me." You sob, face soiled with tears, spit, and snot.

"Again!" His loud voice echoes, bouncing off every wall in the bathroom. The pain that filled his chest as you repeated it over and over again was unbearable. It felt like someone taking a dull knife and carving out his heart. You kept repeating it until all the emotion drained from your face. It felt like ages of Johnny sitting there. Pure torture. Your face was reminiscent of that night. Void of anything. Robotically repeating the phrase. Johnny's eyes sting with tears as a younger version of you stares back at him. 

"I'm a waste of space and nobody loves me."

The words claw at his heart as they're spoken in your smaller voice. Dried fluids distort your image as you peer up at him. "Good. Almost perfect." He spoke as if on autopilot, and he couldn't switch it off. He strengthens his grip on your hair. What was about to come next crossed his mind before it happened and he was screaming for it to stop. His mouth never moved, the words never came out. He just shouts in silence, no use for the dominant voice.

"Just one more thing." His face contorts into a wicked smile as he sends your head crashing into the porcelain. The viscera left only your mouth intact. Johnny watches in horror as you cough up blood. Blood, so much blood. Blood seeping through your shirt at your stomach that looked like it had caved in. To his horror, you began to speak calmly as if your face wasn't completely destroyed.

"Are you happy now?"

Johnny gasped violently, hands clenching his bed sheets as he shoots up from his pillows. He shouts your name, tears already coating his face. "No!" He cries as the image of your crushed skull was still vivid in his mind. He could see it in every dark corner of his room. The moonlight did little to soothe his frenzied state. His hands fumble along the neck of his lamp, rushing to flick it on. As light floods his room, Johnny heaves in silence. 

His phone rings and fills his empty mind. He looks over at his phone on his nightstand. It was Naeun calling at 4:18 am. He picks it up, voice wavering as he speaks. "H-hello?

"Were you fucking in on this?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You're sick!" Naeun continues to loudly berate Johnny as he attempts to collect his thoughts.

"Naeun... what..."

"I can't believe you did this!" Naeun's voice cracks as she shouts before ending the call. Shaky hands open google and type in Naeun's name. Johnny looks numbly at the flood of articles. 

-

"Did..." You can't even finish your sentence. Partially because you'd be proving Jisoo right. Mostly because it made you sick to think about. You scrolled among countless articles with blurred pictures accompanying the headlines. 

"EXPLICIT PHOTO OF POPULAR TWITCH STREAMER EUNPRIL LEAKED ONLINE"

Passing so many articles with similar names, your mind kept flickering images of her worried look. Your heart ached for her.

"Poor girl."

"And you were there. Did YangYang try anything with you?" Jisoo asked, sitting on the edge of your bed. You grit your teeth as you lean further into your pillows.

You were sick of people asking you this. Naeun asked with just a look alone. Mark asked when he came into the room that night. Jungwoo asked you in a text when you woke up. Now Jisoo was asking you. If you were honest, you'd admit it was because you felt like an idiot. But the reality that this could've been you filled you with unease. 

"No. Nothing happened."

Plus, knowing Jisoo, she'd make it into a huge thing. That's the last thing you needed right now.

"Good, because look at this." Jisoo turns her phone toward you.

"ANONYMOUS SOURCE CLAIMS EUNPRIL'S PHOTO WAS LEAKED FROM AN EXPLICIT MATERIAL TRADING GROUP CHAT. A POLICE INVESTIGATION HAS COMMENCED"

"...I looked over and Doyoung, Lucas, and YangYang were looking at pictures of naked girls..."

There are more...

[goddevouringserpent]

1 and 9 for Yunia and Kaija, from the Edgy Ask :3

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

OOOH this is a fun one because the answers are so different :3

Kaija does not want to forget anything. She's been through some tough shit in her life, but she takes all of it as a lesson—she's very much the "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" type, and that involves remembering everything that hurt her so she can carefully examine it, be it to make sure it never happens again or to be prepared to deal with it if she can't avoid it. (She may not look like it, given her personality, but she's actually quite shrewd and clever.) Moreover, and WATCH OUT HEAVY SPOILERS FOR WOTR AHEAD, Kaija knows forgetting. Worse than that, she knows what it's like to forget crucial parts of yourself, something that makes you you; even worse, she knows what it's like to be forced to forget. As a result, even if she was inclined to lean towards oblivion as a respite, she would lean away out of spite.

Yunia, on the other hand… Yunia is, um. Not in a good spot mentally. So Yunia is deeply, deeply devoted to Ranni—almost obsessively so, in a frankly very funny way because she has designated herself Ranni's Protector, her Knight in Shining Carian Armour, which, let's be honest, Ranni does not need that. Ranni can take care of herself. But Yunia needs to dedicate herself to someone's cause and so she falls at Ranni's feet, runs herself through with her own blade and promises all of me is yours, lady Ranni, my arm and my flesh and my blood and my mind all yours to take. She fights tooth-and-nail for Ranni's vision of an Age of Stars, and ultimately succeeds. But the problem is… in getting there, a lot of people Yunia cared about—people she fought alongside, people she respected, friends of hers—died. And, due to the Way She Is, Yunia holds herself responsible for every single death. There is little truth in that, but she always thinks that there must have been something she could have done to prevent that (even if there wasn't) and so survivor's guilt gnaws at her, with the added pain of knowing that, no matter how much it hurts, she would do it all over again, for Ranni's sake. She would do anything. But the guilt, the teeth on her heart eating her alive, that's harder to deal with. So I feel Yunia, unlike Kaija, would embrace oblivion. She'd want to forget that her friends died. Not about her friends as a whole, mind you—just about their fates. Give her something that'll let her fool herself into thinking everyone's safe and happy back in the Lands Between, and she'll take it without hesitation.

Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

DO I EVER

Lyric for Kaija: Either "Drowning madly in deep blue seas / Waves of sadness swallow me / No soul can hear me beneath the weight / No gods or saviors, no hands of fate" (from Only Love Can Save Me Now by the Pretty Reckless) or "My darkest soul unfolds / I embrace this rage / Bad things hurt so good / Bad things dig deep inside you / You still feed the monster / With these endless lies / Gonna crush your empire down / 'Til it fades away" (from Bad Things by Lacuna Coil)

Quote for Kaija: "I often see how you sob over what you destroy, how you want to stop and just worship; and you do stop, and then a moment later you are at it again with a knife, like a surgeon." - Anaïs Nin

Lyric for Yunia: "I feel alone in my body / I feel a silence underneath / In these valleys of blood / In these rivers of rust / Shoulder all the blame again / Mirror locked until the end" and "And I've always been ashamed that I want to / Fall into a dream with my honour desecrated / Blood is jaded" (both from Jaded by Spiritbox)*

*fun fact this song came out very recently, I just found out about it today—despite it being by one of my favourite bands, smh at myself—and I am losing my MIND at how good it is and how much the lyrics fits several of my characters for various reasons

Quote for Yunia: "Sometimes I feel skinless, raw, like I don't have a face. How can I be sure that I have any coherence unless I outline it?" - Kate Zambreno

[bahngray]

I JUST WANNA BE YOURS

Disclaimer This work is for mature audience.

Pairing - bangchan x reader

Parts - Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 , Chapter 3

Synopsis - The reason why we can't let go of someone is because deep down inside we still have hope.

Chapter 4

Hyunjin - We all knew y/n would be devastated seeing him like that. We warned him not to drink off his limits again, but he wouldn't listen. Chan hyung wasn't someone you could control he would do something if he wanted to, doesn't matter what it is he'll make sure he does it perfectly till the end.

Han - His drinking was going really uphill at that time. He was always wasted. Maybe our tour had been stressing him out because he could not see y/n for that time being but then again I didn't see him contact y/n anyday since we did our tour which was honestly weird.

Changbin - We all had been noticing him acting weird ever since our tour started and we assumed he and y/n, they had a fight but when his drinking went flying up to the sky we knew something was very very wrong.

Leeknow - He wasn't the type to really share his personal concerns with any of us nor did he like if we wanted to give him comfort. He was a perfectionist in that way but it wasn't always good trying to be an perfectionist.

Seungmin - I was dead worried about him. But I would never cross the line and go ask him why this sudden behavior. I watched him form a distance and I could clearly see he was aching.

Felix - I couldn't see him like that. I just couldn't. It hurt when I saw him like that and knowing that I could not do anything made me feel sick. That's the thing about pain it makes u feel insanely crappy about yourself.

I.N - I didn't know how we would fix his drinking because it was getting worse everyday and we all knew we had to stop him but we also knew that no one had the ability to stop him, no one but y/n. But we had to make him stop somehow and fix the mood because it wasn't good for our team. And honestly it wasn't good for any of us.

Y/n - As I opened the door to my apartment to head out for work I meet his brown eyes at the entrance and a part of me wanted to fall into his arms but then there was that part of me which urged me to stand my ground.

"Y/n, I can explain" he moves forward to hold my hand but I move away just as he does so.

He looks up at me with just hurt in his eyes.

"Y/n please?" He motions to hold my hands again but I backup again.

"DONT TOUCH ME!" I yell at him tears streaming out of my eyes. He shivers as though he was not being able to process the situation.

"We can fix this y/n, please listen to me" he says giving me a soft look while his brown eyes drew in sincerity.

"No, go home Chan please" I say clutching onto my bag so hard it feels as if my hand is going to tear apart.

"I'm not in the state to talk to u or face u right now" I say wiping my tears. "Go home and wait for my reply, wait for me that is the only thing I'll ask from you" I say finally looking at him.

Chan doesn't say a word but backs away and heads out of the front door. I feel sick to my stomach. I almost felt as if I was crumbling down when I was infront of him. I would almost give myself in to him and I was scared knowing that he had that amount of control over my feelings, over me.

Bangchan - A week passed but there were no calls or texts from y/n. I had been waiting since that day for her reply, for her to rush back to me. I know I sound extremely disgusting but that is how much I loved her. I was losing my mind.

I was losing my focus. I couldn't concentrate in work, we were falling behind and as a result Stray Kids weren't doing any good at the time too.

I blamed myself for all this. For letting our fans down, the members down and most importantly for letting y/n down, for hurting her so bad.

I deserved nothing. But I still wanted her. I needed her. It's crazy how much she had made me hers.

I was about to head out of my studio when I heard a knock at the door and thought it was my manager. But then I turned around and was shocked as well as happy to see, y/n.

The room filled with her fragrance and I took deep breaths to take her in, to believe she was finally there, infront of me.

I was scared too, I honestly thought she would dump me and I know I deserved to be dumped but there was still that tiny hope inside of me that said she would come back.

"Hey how are you?" She says as I lock my eyes with hers and suddenly everything started to make sense again.

It felt as if I was alive again, that I was breathing again.

"Good I guess" I said scratching the back of my head.

"I was umm waiting for your reply" I say ashamed of how disgusting I sounded.

She walks up to me and intervenes her hands with mine as she asks me to sit down on the sofa beside her.

"Chan I love you, I love you so much it feels as if I'm drowning, sinking in your love, living for you"

"I don't want to leave you"

"I don't want to end this and I'm sure you don't want to too"

"I have made my decision,

"your going to rehab, to fix that drinking habit of yours"

She says as my mind starts to go over all sorts of things at once and I'm unable to think straight.

I couldn't say a thing, it was as if someone had sowen my mouth. All the feelings inside me lingered and I felt as if the world was rotating around me.

"You don't have to answer now" She says as I look up at her.

"Think about this, okay, and if anything comes across and you have to choose between me and your work, always, always choose work, hmm?" Tears roll down my eyes as she wipes them off, brushing her thumb across my cheek.

Y/n - it was quite late at night and there weren't many people in the company so I took the elevator nearest to Chan's studio to get down.

My heart ached seeing him like that but I knew my decision was only taken for his better future. For our better future, for the kids to do good and I wasn't going to risk the kids for us.

I honestly loved them, the kids they were like my friends and really good ones and I didn't want them to endure anything bad, at least not for my relationship with Chan.

My thoughts were interrupted as the elevator stopped on the 13th floor. As the doors slid open, his brown eyes met mine at the entrance, he was gasping for air while he stood there.

We stood there for a moment looking at each other, the elevator made a noise announcing that the doors were closing, I held the button to stop the doors form sliding shut and Chan walked inside.

"What's wrong? Why-" before I could finish his lips crashed on mine.

That gentle familiarity struck me again, the feeling that told me I loved him, that I was his. His hands made their way around my waist as i put my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss.

Our bodies pushed against each other and his hands going inside my shirt. His warm hands touching my skin, sending shivers down my spine.

Our tongues dancing together while our lips overlapped each others with dominance. He lifted my up and cornered me at one side of the elevator. My legs went around his waist and he broke the kiss and looked at me, gasping for air.

"I'm going to rehab,"

"I love you, I love you, I really do" he said as my cheeks started to heat. He pecked my cheeks and I'm sure I looked as red as a tomato.

Our lips intervened with each other again and I kissed him as if there was no tomorrow. I could feel the movement of his veiny hands around my back as he kissed me hungrily but passionately.

He pulled out and put his head under my shirt as he pecked on my breast and I held onto him tight at the amount of pleasure.

He unclasped my bra and put his lips around my hardening bud. My body lost all its control as I shivered under his touch, as I could feel all the movements of his veiny hands on my body.

"Chan....mmmh....w-we...a-are...mmhhh...still.....in..the company...ahhh" I said as he suucked and but on my hardened bud.

Removing his head from underneath my shirt he looked at me and smirked,

"Shall we continue this at your apartment?"

And this concludes the last part of this series. Let me know if u guys want a part 2. I'll go on a hiatus for a week as I have my exams knocking on my door. I'll be back soon. Love you guys.

Let me know if u guys have any ideas and I'll turn them into ffs.

♡ R

[cassynite]

7, 10, 16 for sparrow :D

Thank you so much for the ask!!!! These were some really good questions, I enjoyed them a lot.

7. Do they have any unusual fears?

Hoo boy. She's got a lot of fears...unusual ones? She doesn't like being looked at too much--being the center of attention is terrifying to the point of painful for her. Related to this, she has a fear of dancing or singing in public and won't do it unless coerced. In terms of like...innocuous phobias? Sparrow gets anxious in small and tight spaces, and will freak out if the back of her neck is touched.

10. Do they have any regrets?

Haaaaa yes. Should they be listed chronologically or by intensity? She constantly blames herself for things that were outside of her control--like the circumstances that led to her brother's death and her capture (she always wonders if she could have done something to prevent it. She was like. Eleven). Even more deep-seated, she has the belief that her parents left because raising her was too much, which is why they're dead (this is partially correct). In terms of things she actually did that she regrets, Sparrow wishes she hadn't put her trust in Evaethi. If she hadn't gotten close, and believed that Evaethi cared for her as a person and not as a servant, she might have been able to escape without a tracking rune branded in her skin. She could have been free for years. As Knight Commander, especially in the beginning, she second-guesses her decisions and regrets every loss reported to her, even if the battles were victories. Some decisions, like how she handled Wintersun and Morveg, become instance she turns over in her head, wondering if things could have been better if she handled them differently. She will also eventually regret how she closed the door on her friendships with Seelah and Lann, once she has the distance and emotional maturity to recognize that her perception of rejection and betrayal with both of them was based more on her own fears than anything either of them did. All bad things in the end feel like her own fault to one extent or another and she carries them with her. It takes a long time for her to come to terms with the fact that some of the things that happened to her were outside of her control, and that she can't do anything to change the mistakes she did make--she can only move forward.

16. Do they have or want kids?

She does not have children. Does she want them? That's...complicated. On one hand, the thought of having family, of raising a child, is very appealing to her; she genuinely enjoys the company of children for the most part and she's always had a desire for a larger family. On the other hand, she does not believe she would be a good mother and is terrified of trying. I'm still not sure if she ever overcomes this fear to the point where she actually tries for children.

[queenofwandstarot]

Tarot Reading Meghan Markle

Question: What is happening with her marriage to Harry? Will she attend the Coronation?

Answer: The marriage is over, and She won't be attending the Coronation. Karma is knocking on Meghan's door.

Reading February 20, 2023.

7 Pentacles (R) 5 Cups (R) 6 Swords 5 Swords (R) Wheel of Fortune (R) 6 Pentacles 10 Cups (R) Fool Hierophant + Ace Cups (R)

7 PENTACLES (R) Taurus (May 11 to May 20) Meghan is reaping what she has sown. Her consistent work is without results, and she is making bad business and financial decisions, resulting in cash flow problems and financial setbacks.

Her marriage is strained and She is considering if all the effort is worth it, while thinking about bailing because things have gotten so tough.   

Unfortunately, Meghan continually repeats the same mistakes in relationships, by not learning from past failures, and running from one relationship to another. She is afraid to be on her own and lacks the ability to commit to just one person. Meghan is always looking for quantity and not quality.

5 CUPS (R) Scorpio (October 23 to November 1) Meghan is full of hatred and negativity. Meghan has a reluctance to heal, as Her hurt and pain is carefully nurtured. Apportioning blame on others is paramount, while taking no personal  responsibility for her involvement. She wears her trauma like a badge of honor and thinks or talks of nothing else.   

The ship has sailed where family re-unions are concerned, and no amount of wishful thinking on Meghan's part will change this. Her exile from the family, or being shunned by friends due to her words and deeds, will see her continue to play the victim, not realizing that negativity attracts more negativity. Most of those who have been involved in her drama have moved on, and do not want the past dredged up again. Meghan is the Mother of Sorrows, and a deep depression is manifesting. 

Meghan has concerns regarding inheritances because there may be little left to inherit, or others who lay claim to it. After the death of a loved one, surprises or family scandals will come to light.

Its time for Meghan to forgive and let go - at this stage, nobody but her gives a damn anymore - she needs to stop wasting time and energy on things that aren't working for her.   

6 SWORDS Aquarius (January 30 to February 8) Meghan has put a lot of effort into making her marriage work all to no avail. She is feeling deflated, and will run away from responsibilities, possibly by leaving without notice, as she has done in past relationships.

Psychological issues need to be dealt with and can't be ignored. Meghan needs to stop carrying past hurt and negative attitudes into future relationships. 

5 SWORDS (R) Aquarius (January 20 to January 29) Meghan has decided that Harry is not the right one, and is leaving him. Paranoia and suspicion sees Meghan triggering rows and causing discord wherever she goes - this is caused by psychological conditions which need to be constantly monitored and medicated.

Her marriage is very abusive. One partner may be a dangerous bully who uses psychological or physical abuse to control and get their way.  It is an extremely dominant/submissive arrangement.  However, those close enough to the couple will have seen the obvious signs, and sensed the tension and control in the air. If either partner has been unfaithful, or underhanded in the marriage, they will be publicly exposed.

A ceasefire will be called to allow for communications and solutions to become a reality, but only where those involved in hostilities are prepared to listen to the views of others.  It has taken a lot of effort to bring things to this stage of negotiation, and it would be wise for Meghan to take this brief window of opportunity to sort the situation out as peacefully as possible before it goes beyond the point of no return.  She will have to make some personal sacrifices in order to retain her integrity, and allow her to put this sorry mess behind her and move on.  

Complete reconciliation will be very difficult and nobody will win, even if one party does seem to get more than their fair share, or feel they have emerged as the Victor. 

In the workplace, Senior Management are aware of the conflict and hostility. Warnings have already occurred, and there will be future multiple cold and callous job losses with little notice.  

If resolution and peace talks have not taken place or have failed, then all out war will be declared with Meghan being too entrenched in the situation to escape. Hostilities will be fought to the bitter end, and Meghan will pay a very high price, because pride would not let her walk away, and she did not listen to the advice of others who told her to get out when she could.

There is no escaping the damage that has been done. The fallout comes home to roost and Meghan may be shocked into realizing that she is directly responsible for the disaster and misery that surrounds her due to the consequences of her actions.  

WHEEL OF FORTUNE 10 (R) Sagittarius  (November 21-December 20) Meghan faces negative and unwelcome change. It will be a challenging time, and may be difficult for her to adjust to.  She thought things were going well, but they have suddenly and unexpectedly fallen apart. Meghan has no control - what goes up, must come down, and Karma is knocking on her door. 

Things are not going as planned because of the decisions and choices Meghan has made. She is trapped in her own shortcomings, and will use resentment and guilt to justify her situation.                       

6 PENTACLES Taurus (May 1 to May 10) Finances are tight, and both Meghan and Harry are relying on help from a generous friend, benefactor, investor or employer to make ends meet. 

Meghan thought she married into money, but instead of changing her life for the better, it has made her feel miserable and inferior. She also finds it difficult to fit into her new social circle.

10 CUPS (R) Pisces (March 11 to March 20) The honeymoon is over, and Meghan's dream has turned into a nightmare. Meghan and Harry appeared to have it all, but its not the life she wanted. The marriage is falling apart at the seams and Her unrealistic expectations of Harry is the stuff made of fairytales.

Meghan is always chasing dreams and, even after she receives everything she ever wished for, nothing will ever be enough. She will be offered something of great worth, but will turn it down in the hope of something bigger and better. She needs to be careful, as refusing this offer will see her get nothing. 

Meghan and Harry have secrets they want nobody to discover. They pretend nothing is wrong to keep up appearances, but are barely holding it together.  Hostilities are fueled by resentment, anger and jealousy.  It is a broken home with a dysfunctional family situation.

Family Events or re-unions may be cancelled or postponed.  Old family arguments and bickering may surface causing disturbances and uneasy feelings. Meghan has been turned out of the family due to scandals and arguments. There may also be the loss of a family home which is sold or repossessed. Meghan feels alienated and alone. Her children may have never met their relatives or grandparents.

THE FOOL 0 Aquarius (January 21-February 20) Meghan is childish. She has difficulty in committing and not knowing what She has until its too late.  She will lose interest in things after the initial excitement has worn off, because she is impulsive, and at times irresponsible. 

Meghan can betray her partner and start a whole new life with someone else as soon as their back is turned. Meghan does not have Her own personality, doesn't know what she wants, and is influenced by those around her.  She knows how to say all the right things, but rarely does the right thing. She often believes She deserves more or better than what She has, and will run from one relationship to another, rarely being single.  Meghan has an over-active imagination and day dreams of flights of fancy. Meghan often runs a fine line between spontaneous and clueless.

THE HIEROPHANT  5 Taurus (April 20 – May 20)     The card of traditional values and Institutions (BRF).   It is associated with preserving establishments and rules/codes of conduct that promotes security and tradition.   The Hierophant can signify that now is a time for Meghan to conform to convention or tradition. It’s not a time to rock the boat. 

ACE CUPS (R)  /  Clarifying card. The card of emotional loss, heartache, divorce, fertility and conception issues. Although ties bind both Meghan and Harry together, Meghan feels totally disillusioned that a once promising relationship has failed, and she was wrong about Harry being "the one". News, gossip and rumors will cause more problems in an already volatile relationship. There will be bad or upsetting news, cancelled social events and celebrations. Meghan's constant emotional over-reacting to incidents sees people around her behaving in a negative way.

[holocene-sims]

7, 8, 34, and 50 for mary <3

thank you so much for the ask!! i assume you mean grant's mom mary, which means this is going to be hilarious 😭😂 but fun because i've never gotten asks for her before!

but really that woman is a nightmare

reminds me, i gotta post her mini character intro later. it's been sitting in my drafts with a few other ones

7. do they have any unusual fears?

not really unusual, i suppose, but she is afraid of being alone or abandoned. too bad her behavior created that situation for her...no one wants to be around her except her fellow obnoxious rich white women 💀

8. do they collect anything? if so, what and why?

does it count if she's collecting all of her dead daughter's items? 🥴

34. how well do they deal with grief?

poorly. very poorly. case in point, her favorite golden child died of cancer at eighteen years old, and mary has never recovered. she never dealt very well with the grief, though. she internalized it, then lashed out at everybody else.

she blamed her husband for not noticing elizabeth was sick. she blamed grant for her dying (specifically, grant was in the hospital room alone with her when she died, and mother mary accused him of not getting a doctor to come "help"). she blamed her parents for passing on the shitty genetic susceptibility to cancer.

and she didn't really just stop there. she then expected her other kids to step up and try to be elizabeth 2.0 and 3.0, putting impossible expectations on them (but that's a story for another day). she treated the other sister well because she was the other favorite child, but she took most of her grief out on grant. she refused to let him celebrate his birthday because she said it was disrespectful to elizabeth, etc. so much bullshit.

and these days, like i said, she still hoards all of elizabeth's things. not once since she died almost twenty years ago has mother mary let a single person in the family look at or touch elizabeth's things. not even her (ex)husband or her kids.

mother mary just can't heal or let any of the past go.

50. what is your favorite thing about them?

i will try and pick something positive about her. she's a pretty terrible person in the story canon but i'll give her a break just this one time!

about the grief thing...part of that is the whole "narcissist loses favorite child" thing and part of that is true, genuine grief. she lost her oldest child, the girl who made her a mother, the girl who was a straight A student and prom queen and MVP of her high school softball team.

so i guess my favorite thing about her is that somewhere deep inside, there is a heart there. of course, she only extended that love to her daughters, not her son or her (ex)husband or her parents or her siblings, but there is one in there and she really and truly felt pain over the loss of her oldest child. and she really did love elizabeth outside of the whole weird narcissistic attachment thing.

it's a horrible thing to lose a child, especially when you yourself and your husband are both doctors and you know that you cannot do anything to save her. and i have to give mary that as well. she did feel immense guilt that there was nothing they could do to help.