#lots of talks with therapist LOL

[chittychittyyangyang]

It's wild to me prior to this volume people joked about "therapy island", but when met with it don't seem to understand what Ever After has been on the whole?

Being your best self, and for Afterans fulfilling your purpose, has been there from the start. The Blacksmith outright said "The only thing that can happen to you here is what you want to happen the choice of what you become and where you end up is yours to make.... You don't know what you want, do you?" Everything they ask is not a judgement of Ruby, but a clarification of intent and goals. Some people have been real literal with the weapons, but their manifestation seems to come from Ruby "Weapons are extensions of ourselves" Rose. It is both a reflection of her, and being a Huntress.

In Herb's visions (which we know are connected to the tree and the leaves), they were all confronted with their old selves, which they'd all grown from. And it can be hard to here who you once were saying you can go back, more so if you're like Ruby and view your current self as a failure who is worse off than in the past while everyone else believes they are better.

In the Punderstorm they all had to face something they unconsciously or not want to address. Jaune tells them they can just wait it out and keep moving forward so they do, him never acknowledging his younger self and Penny, Weiss taking a moment to see Atlas fall but choosing to walk away, and Ruby trying so hard to focus on the task and her friends she doesn't see Summer. Even if they want to address their problems, they aren't ready in that moment. You can't force people to address things when they aren't ready (hence Ruby's breakdown later). The bees were never forced to confess either since, again, this was something they both WANTED to talk about even if Yang was scared and Blake was going to wait until she was ready. Sometimes there's no good moment, and sometimes you're already falling off that cliff so you might as well embrace it.

The Cat, while being unreliable in their intentions, never seems to have lied about more general aspects of Ever After and Ascension. It is a good thing for Afterans that is both a death and not. The heart still remembers even if they change into something else and change their purpose, something we get to see later with the Genial Gems. You can rebuild not only yourself, but rebuild from the ashes (or flood) of a destroyed home (Weiss).

"And how would you measure 'enough'?"

"Enough" for Ruby has always been living up the the idea of Summer. To Ruby, being Ruby was never going to be enough. Ascension for Ruby is finding out who SHE is, not necessarily making a choice to change. The choice to reaffirm who you are and that you are enough is always a choice. That Ruby Rose has been, and will always be enough. That the burden that needs to be laid down is the one you've (understandably) placed on yourself out of the idea of who your mother was.

"What is it to 'Ruby Rose'?"

[ark1os]

.

[plushieanimals]

aurora miyoni German Shepherd dog

[there-will-be-a-way]

My therapist had The best idea!

I struggle with naming emotions. If you ask me how I'm doing, I have to think about it for 12 hours to give a somewhat accurate answer, and my answer is a metaphor like "I feel like someone is scratching at the walls of my body" or "I feel like a stray dog wandering through dirty alleyways in search of something that never existed".

But I can draw emotions. For years I have been drawing emotions. And he suggested to print out my drawings as a card deck and simply hold them up. So simple! So awesome! I'll do it. I'll keep drawing emotions and I'll print them out and start carrying them with me.

He said that since I have such a perfect, always-smiling-friendly mask, other people literally can't know how I am actually doing. So this could help.

I've only started therapy with him five months ago (and I was hospitalized for three of these five months) and he has already helped me more than the other therapists I had before him. I'm more grateful than I can put into words.

[if-mirrormine]

First, let me just say that this IF is one of my favorites! I am so excited for the new chapters to come! 💜 Second, a question because I am curious and Grayson in particular is ripe full of character development potential; I love him. First a tiny bit of background to get to my question though:

Years ago, when I had a crush on a friend super hard, what happened to me was that I fell for the *image* he gave off; in reality he was an ass and used me as a second choice, and when I realized this I noped super hard.

Thinking of Grayson made me wonder if he is stuck on an idealized version of MC, especially with them being gone for so long D: Do we get a chance to express our worries to him about that? Last thing I want to do is hurt him more— he is so sweet and deserves the best!

Sorry for my ramble, and take care!

i've never actually thought about it before but it's a pretty good question.

grayson knows the mc better than anyone else so his version of them is the real thing but that doesn't mean they'll stay that way. gray definitely isn't the same person and mc wont be the same for very long either; he's had the time to grow and change whereas the mc (in their mind) has all of a sudden been thrust into a future they don't know how to operate in.

i think it would fair for them to express that worry to all of the ros, not just gray - that they (the ros) still perhaps view the mc as the person they remember them to be when they're not anymore.

[pillowenvelopchair]

Hey guys!! this is just my insane ramble on Still Waters Run Deep that's made by the lovely @un-local. I've had so so sooooo many thoughts about this fic and I decided to try and put it all coherently in a post :)

Probably not a lot of new insights, just many, many rambles

Magdalene analysis and her view on Rogier + some other stuff

Magdalene, at the start of the story, is aimless and refuses to follow any line of Grace, putting off whatever it leads to and going in the opposite direction. Yet Grace is fickle, and it all eventually converges, so she gives in. (aaaand a life-changing partnership ensues)

She wants out of the competition of becoming Elden Lord, and she wants nothing to do with it. Someone else to take lordship is what she wants. Magdalene, in her eyes, is not worthy to take the throne. But Rogier on the other hand…

Rogier is, quite literally, built different. He thinks differently compared to Magdalene (a STR vs INT user difference lol). He’s able to pick out all the details that she would miss. Be able to extrapolate and examine it all and be able to learn from it. Magdalene can't do that.

It's basically:

Rogier: says some fun facts about the most random thing in the room, saying all the history behind it, and what the tiny details could mean Magdalene: yeah, that's a rock.

So instead, she becomes a tool for Rogier to be able to use, because that's the least she can do for him.

“She can already feel the faint grin forming on her lips at the thought. She never wanted to be Elden Lord. She’d finally picked up and followed grace to... to get away, with no idea what it called her to do. When Melina told her where it led her, she felt only dread. But Rogier... To save Those Who Live in Death... Two birds, one stone. She meets his eyes, and doesn’t look away. In them, she doesn’t see pride, or avarice. She doesn't see a man who wants to rule the world. Not at all. The path forward is clear now.” -Chapter 22

For once, she really sees a light from the dark future she sees. She's hopeful that she won't have to take the throne, that Rogier can burden it instead of her. He's worthy in her eyes and because of that, she devotes herself to him with all she can do. (Ah but… I believe Rogier wants her to be Elden Lord? Not sure but her not wanting to be Elden Lord doesn’t quite fit with what he has planned)

Magdalene really holds onto Rogier, and his guidance (a comfort wizard, if you will). And so the idea that he won’t make it… that she’ll be left alone with Grace again, forced to join back into the competition for lordship... It's sickening to her. So she really clings to him, desperate to not be left alone with a destiny that she despises.

Magdalene is always pulled into different directions. Grace pulls her to one but she pulls herself to the opposite one. Fia and D are both on extreme sides of the spectrum on Rogier's survival, and Magdalene is caught right in the middle of it.

But for her, Rogier will survive, he has to survive otherwise... that light, that small hope she has will all fade into obscurity.

Ghosts from the past (Lorens and Ida)

I absolutely love how something, or rather, someone haunts both of them.

Lorens had been the catalyst of all of what Rogier does now. Why he’s so desperate to save those who live in death. He's literally devoted his body and mind to Lorens just to see him alive (maybe Rogier's devoting all of himself to finding a solution to death because he wants it to come back to the old times when it was just him and Lorens in the Rise, or maybe not!! I'm just rambling lol).

Every thought of Lorens is painted with a sort of bittersweetness to it. From Rogier's perspective, at the very least (I'm super curious as to how Lorens would view Rogier but we'll probably never get it because... you know...). He's almost obsessed with him, and it's all pretty unhealthy lol.

Magdalene, who’s haunted by Ida who's probably a sort of lover that hadn't been fully brought to fruition. Different opinions on what they have had made Magdalene leave with (from what I have seen at least, we have scrapes of her, people! I can't wait to see more of Ida though)

Now with Ida... Magdalene absolutely shakes herself out of every thought she has about Ida. Spurning every single thought or imagination she has of that woman.

"Nausea comes in waves. Fever. She can feel delirium taking her—she’s convinced she’s submerged in the very waters of creation, for a while. She vividly feels herself sinking deeper and deeper into a current; cold and dark and inescapable. As it pulls her down, she’s overcome with the instinct to breathe it in— Against her temple she feels a hand, with gentle fingers dragging softly through her hair. Suddenly, every layer of the dream collapses in on itself, and she jolts awake with a gasp.  Here, in Liurnia, she hauls herself up, rubbing at her face. Even the memory is a shock of cold water to her. She’s a woman haunted." -Chapter 23

(I just really love this part- I can't help it)

I think it's also really interesting how Magdalene leaves Ida due to their differences in what they have (?) while Rogier just absolutely hangs onto Lorens no matter what, despite him being... er... him. Not so sure about his personality with the small flashbacks we get of him but he’s probably not good for Rogier.

In short, Rogier venerates Lorens, while Magdalene absolutely rejects Ida. (Opposites!)

Rogier’s overthinking

Also found it interesting that when Rogier thinks he really thinks. He's a professional overthinker, even in the past

"He thinks of the labyrinthian etiquette, the way he’d triple-check every sentence for a double meaning. The secrets, the ruthless political schemes. It all felt like a spider’s web to him. He’d learned the game, and he played it well, but it had been nothing but paranoia and misery for him. Just like it was for everyone else." -Chapter 17

It's what's kept him alive (Ch. 17), and what's been able to pave the way for his findings Yet, it’s also his curse. He tries to pick out every detail that he can and think of every possible reason or motivation. Every single outcome he just needs to know so that he won't get caught by surprise again. He needs to be in control of the situation, he needs to be the master of the chessboard.

Oh and once this guy spirals, he really spirals. He starts thinking and looking at details, rewinding every single thing, every interaction, and trying to label a reason for every little thing. Yet... something emotional seems to break the surface of the water.

I personally think that he was raised to overthink. He was a noble after all, and he dealt with politics. He truly needed to check, double check, triple check, every single sentence and word in case it would have a double meaning. "He’d learned the game, and he played it well" (Ch. 17) . Getting worse after Lorens' death, being fooled by "Only a cut." (Ch. 25) and seeing the aftermath of it.

He can't not do it because if he doesn't, and he gets surprised it would break him (or at the very least, freak him out).

ALSO!! Rogier hating on "saccharine conversations" (Ch. 17) good lord. This guy cannot be real with anyone. Rogier refuses to show vulnerability because:

1. He was raised like that (the whole attachment theory thing) 2. He will absolutely break if he does

Do you guys remember when Fia tells Magdalene that "dear Rogier began to weep as he spoke" (Ch.14)? Fia saw through Rogier's walls through the cracks and he just absolutely breaks down. (Get yourself a man who, after "embracing" tells you all about this thing he's obsessed about and then cries because of it)

It's a mortifying ordeal, that someone's able to see through the walls you've meticulously put up. It hits something deep within that he’s tried to bury.

Despite the walls he puts up people other than Fia see through them. Magdalene (Ch.7) was able to see through the small cracks that have broken, and Roderika... hoo she really hit a nerve didn’t she? (But it also hit one of her nerves too, Rogier vs Roderika am I right?)

Chapter 17 analysis

Also, while we’re on the topic of Roderika, let's talk about chapter 17! Seems I have a lot to talk about.

I absolutely love this chapter so much, it gives us so much insight into Rogier's backstory and the way he thinks. His noble background really shines through here, with how he acts with Roderika who is a fellow ex-noble too.

"His grin is wide and carefree, but it rather feels like he's baring his teeth.  There’s no room for your pity here." -Chapter 17

This guy cannot accept any sign of sympathy/compassion with anyone. It's all pity to him, and he absolutely hates pity. Once Roderika starts to console him too it sickens him and it makes him bare his teeth like an animal, his baser instinct showing just a little bit.

He’s probably bore his teeth to other nobles in the court, or whatever meetings they have with one another. Small threats that get the message across by a vicious smile, is something he is all too familiar with.

I also think that it's a little bit funny how he gives advice to Roderika but then is also a little bit of a hypocrite about it

“It’s hard, to leave it behind. But the old world will keep its claws in you, if you let it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier while it's not his past life that he's stuck but rather, he is stuck on Lorens. Even though Rogier is no longer Lorens' student, even though Lorens is dead, he still has his claws on Rogier. It's his entire motivation, why he's in a "pathetic" state now. He isn't letting those claws go, he lets them dig deeper within him, and they dig in deep.

“You already have it within you," he says. "They were only trying to bury it.” -Chapter 17

Rogier immediately buries his own emotions in this interaction when Roderika tries to console him lol. Just based off of him being an ex-noble and his whole family thing, it's well established that he is very much used to burying it all down his gullet. I mean, is it really Rogier without emotional suppression?

Also Rogier tends to close off all the matters that relate to what he feels in his dialogue both in game and in SWRD. This guy cannot let out just a slight moment of vulnerability

A Color Theory Thing on my read on Rogier's garb:

Rogier, with his background being grounded in nobility has suppressed his baser desires in exchange for meaningless political schemes that have only brought him misery. Yet after coming to these lands, he finds himself with Lorens.

He wears a Raya Lucarian Robe and it has red on it. It's a sign of baser instincts being shown for once. He has grown an infatuation with Lorens despite being his student.

Yet, Rogier is still mostly blue, and he still suppresses that baser desire that he’s developed, that infatuation for Lorens. He never once builds up the courage to be able to tell Lorens what he feels. He would always bury those feelings down, and as a result he can't let go of it. It's far too deep to be buried back up.

But once Lorens has died, Rogier changes too.

He exchanges those garbs for yellow and turquoise (I think?). He's a mix of colors and beliefs.

He still has the blue in the turquoise, which symbolizes calm, intelligence, and emotional control (you can’t spell Rogier without emotional control) But turquoise isn't just blue, it also has green.

Green represents growth, life, and new beginnings. This is a new beginning for Rogier, who's set out for a new goal, to be able to save those who live in death (and perhaps give them life? Not so sure on that but in SWRD that seems to be the case with Lorens).

It's balanced by yellow. Creativity and originality, he's almost the only person we meet who wants to save TWLID. Not only that but yellow also symbolizes illness, which could be a foreshadowing of what happens to him later in his life.

It's not just sickness though, yellow also symbolizes deception. Rogier lies, but I necessarily think he's someone who is always deceptive. He's more like the type of guy who would lie so that an encounter would go well or not hurt someone else's feelings. I think he's like that from that whole ex-nobility thing he's got going on. Political schemes and lying through a smile is something that he's familiar with. (It also doesn't help that he keeps being emotionally suppressed too lol)

Cowardice is another. Rogier is scared to tell anyone about his emotions, to take that risk of being honest with someone. His background in nobility and his family definitely doesn't help either.

Rogier had been too scared to be true to Lorens and tell him his feelings, and because of that, he would never be able to. I feel like he's avoided it even more afterward. He refuses to take that jump of being honest with someone, whether it's about his emotions or his ideals, he doesn't let them go.

But when he does? With D, it completely breaks off everything they've had. Everything that they could have been.

"Beguiled fool. A rotten, sick bastard. Fouled by them. A wicked, two-faced user. Heartless. Loathsome parasite. How could he? Were they not supposed to set this crooked world straight? Profane. A perversion of honor. A madman." -Chapter 5

“Get out of my sight.” “I’m sorry.” He’d said, and he was. But Darian’s lips curled back, and he jerked his head away and locked his eyes on the horizon. His jaw twitched, in the moment he took to reply.  “Don’t talk to me.” There was nothing he could do to fix this. To undo his mistakes, to spare Darian his intentions." -Chapter 5

It's all gone because he had been honest about his goals (presumably). This experience probably strengthened that emotional suppression so as to not be hurt/caught by surprise.

So when Magdalene, someone who wholeheartedly accepts his ideals and sees his side for once, he's cautious. He can't believe that someone can genuinely agree with him because all the times that he has been honest, he's been punished for it. (though, he reminds himself that she's not like that)

In short, this guy's a mixed bag. A mixed bag with problems

(basing this off of the Elden Ring color theory video, it was an absolute joy to watch)

[EDIT]: Another thing I've noticed is that Rogier kind of views himself lowly (self-esteem issues ayyyy).

"He still doesn’t understand why. What did he do, specifically? Or was he just past his usefulness? Deemed unfit to rule? He never truly wanted to rule as Lord, but to be cast aside so indifferently—it had shaken him.  Every now and then he fumbles with this, again and again, but he knows. He does. He knows that grace has forsaken him for good reason. He’s a heretic. An apostate. He who does not obediently bow before a faltering, decrepit Order, so ill-equipped to handle the world as it is. " -Chapter 5

"All these years. Couldn’t change a thing. Rather pathetic, I’d say—what a fool, thinking that this crooked world could be made right by mortal hands. Sure, deathblight. Truly, a fitting end for a worthless, rotten bastard." -Chapter 12

Now, speaking from some personal experience, being raised in a family that's of nobility and expects so much out of you from a young age definitely breeds some kind of self-worth issues that really stick with you. Especially if you haven't had anyone to truly support you.

Because of that, I believe that Rogier, in a way, is trying to prove his worth. But not to the Order, I think that he's in some way trying to please Lorens. Even in death.

He puts everything into his studies of Death, searching and scouring for scraps of information just to give him a single lead on anything, and for what?

"Its fulfillment will be a selfish act of altruism. These crooked lands will set right, by his hands, for a reward of nothing at all. But make no mistake: he needs another day. And another after that, and another after that. He needs his questions answered with questions, he needs his notes corrected in an unreadable hand, he needs to hear one more “Well—” followed by the most opaque, convoluted tangle of sentences ever constructed. There’s no reward he seeks, but the warm smile of cold gray eyes and a scoff about just what he’s wearing nowadays. " -Chapter 19

Rogier devotes himself to saving TWLID (saving Lorens, in reality), but it's not because it's all for selfless reasons, he seems to want things to go back to the way things used to be. Back at the Rise, with just him and Lorens once more.

I don't think Rogier ever accepted Lorens' death. He's determined to bring back Lorens, desperately trying to find a solution to bring him back no matter what.

Rogier is a man who refuses to grieve and is desperate for a solution for a dead man who's probably not even good for him. Get this man some therapy

This entire post's summary is just me going:

Anyway, that's all for my crazy rambles! I can't wait to see how SWRD will progress, and how everyone will intermingle and grow with one another (Rogier and Mags)!!!! :0)

Have some doodles + a WIP that I'll probably never finish as a treat for reading this! (Mag's torso was wayyy too long on the second one oops)

(bonus boggart because I love him)

[pepprs]

hi update as of an hour ago i have a THERAPIST!!! an actual licensed therapist!!!! we have our first session on monday 😭💗

[viiinz]

I suddenly remembered this pinterest board I made a little over a year ago

[sysig]

VUXisms (Patreon)

[eebie]

like 10 people now have told me i should start customizing jackets for After seeing all the painting and stuff i did on mine . 'd love to do that and all but it would be so stupid expensive to unless i charged people for all of the materials . they'd have to mail me the jacket + patches and shit to sew on But i could probably get the paint stuff myself

[wispon]

i just wrote my letter of resignation for the retail job that's been sucking the soul out of my body for 10 years 😳😳😳

[kkoct-ik]

i can def relate to having an abusive mother, the worst part is that people always assume mothers to be good people. thankfully my dad and mother don't live together so i chose to stay with my dad permanently but my dad's girlfriend is constantly talking about how i should make up with my mother because "you only get one mom" and she completely ignores me when i try to talk about how abusive my mother was

yeah. ugh. sorry about your situation anon. it sucks and im sending sympathies

[werebutch]

My last few therapy sessions have just been me talking about really small things that have happened like honestly nothing is going on lately except for this bunny and like. I think my therapist wants me to talk about things that are actualy bothering me but I feel so cringe saying like “well when I was 9 my mom was really mean to me” LIKE. okay? I’d rather talk about my animals…

Anyways I’m so excited to show my therapist this rabbit and infodump about rabbit care for the next hour

[insecuregodcomplex]

been on a bad bad bad cycle of social anxiousness which has fueled fear and aversion to leaving my safe space/interacting with people I don’t know are safe and I had to leave my home for a bit today so I’m sitting in a Starbucks to do work and people are. Good??? Laughing at strangers’ jokes, engaging with them, no one’s gotten upset at me for existing (yet)… maybe I am making problems in my head

[notascreepyasyouthink]

i've reached the point where i'm just not super up for any kind of romantic or sexual relationship because i'm still recovering from the breakup, but at the same time, i'm yearning sooooo much and i'm really fuckin gay

[june-again]

two things. vent tw

one. apparently lying about not being anxious doesn't make you less anxious. it just makes people coddle you less, which is a blessing and a curse.

two. i'm starting to genuinely think my pain is anxiety induced. it has been soooooo bad recently, and this week has been hellish. it also was awful while i was at camp and that was the week of all time. plus it hurts more when i'm excited for something or dreading something. obviously i'm in pain all the time so i could be just applying new logic but. the fact that it hurts more when i lie down or receive pressure is just proof that it's not all in my head but rather caused by what's in my head, which, again, is a blessing and a curse to understand