Incase someone somewhere would have their day (even slightly) made better by seeing a cat blep:
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it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
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it's gon' be a long ride home tomorrow
from tennessee to texas to la
well if i could i'd never leave you
i'd come home to stay
another night from home
away from you it ain't easy i know
(baby, don't you want me)
the bucktommy cowboy au nobody asked for part three (parts one and two)
thinking about rancher!tommy who goes on long two-month cattle drives and dreams of the gorgeous cattle hand back home...
(song insp.)
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