#man reliving this all again after it went downhill makes me go insane

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

love how much perspective i've got with doctor who. i knew i loved the tenth doctor in a lot of ways, even with how his serious and emotional scenes can rip me into several pieces and set me on fire and then burn my ashes too. thought i was just a girl loving a fictional man but 15 years later i'm sobbing in the least heterosexual ways possible experiencing tennant's doctors as an ND traumatised gay aspec trans man

[highstwildflower]

Skinny Skinny

TW: eating disorder/ Anorexia. You are very beautiful just the way you are and worthy of love. Have a good day precious <3

The warm rays from the sun tingled the fragile skin on your leg as you laid in your bed. Slowly your body woke you up, already when your eyes open for the first time your heart ached. As if all sadness of the world rested in your heart. It had been like this for a long time, every single day. Your life so unbearable that sleeping was the only escape, so you slept. A lot. In your sleep you had it all, the perfect body, the perfect education, the perfect job, the perfect home and most importantly the perfect man. Him. But than you woke up to real life. Your life was empty and meaningless you thought to yourself. Slowly realizing that you weren't able to fall back asleep you got out of the bed. Bare feet making their way to the bathroom to relive yourself. Steady gaze upon the floor, ensuring that you avoided the mirror, your own reflection the biggest enemy. Picking at the strong band around your wrists you did your business before making your way to your kitchen. All you needed was some what. That was all the body really needed. Eagerly you gulped down the big glass of water, feeling the familiar feeling of content take over your body. Reaching for your phone you groaned as your realized today's date. Your anniversary. A little more pain felt your body, the idea of more pain filling your body felt impossible. The only thing you wanted to do was sleep, but you couldn't so the next best thing was the gym. Moving back to the bedroom you picked out black yoga pants and a black hoodie. Ensuring you were as hidden as possible. The last thing you wanted was attentive. You spent hours at the gym, everyday. Today was no different, the girl at the front desk offering you a polite nod as you entered the gym. Cardio being you go to, you went for a run. The wheezing feeling as air left your lungs faster than your heart could work the oxygen back was everything to you. You could run forever, or at least until the black dots began to dance infront of your eyes. Today it was extra hard for you to leave, the image of Ashton leaving you hunted you. "y/n we can't do this no more, you need help. You cannot give me what you don't have. Because you get so tired of you try to do that. When you forget about you and stop taking care of you. You become empty. With nothing to share. I can't do that to you" his words were printed into your brain. A broken record playing again and again. You had always been a thin girl, and one to take care of what you are as well as staying fit. But when Ashton had left you alone because of tour it had went downhill. You stepped on the scale the day after he left. A gasp had left your lips as the number had risen with 13 pounds. You mind played back all the beers you had shared, all the junk food sitting at you hips now. So you had gotten into the habit of weighting yourself everyday, and progress was made. You lost more than 13 pounds tho. Leaving you sickly skin. Ashton has left a beautiful curvy girl at home and came home to a boney fragile shadow of the woman he loved. Black in-sunken eyes had stared back at him as he told about tour life, no life left as your mind slowly was calculating how much running it would take for the cold beer to be out of your body again. He had tried for about a year, slowly encouraging you to eat some more. For a moment you saw it, you wanted to eat but you wanted to be thin. So you allowed your second face to win, the one who always told you how disgusting you were and how fat you were. The ridicules insane thing being that you adored larger body, found the beautiful. Naturally you had just always been thin, but you also enjoyed filling your body with healthy nutrients. He had left you when he felt as if he was doing more harm to you than good. He made sure that the other boys cheeked up on you, the weekly messages being like salt in your wounds slowly you had stopped answering. Wanting to break from everything. Ashton wasn't to blame for any of this. Maybe you heartbreak but you weren't even sure that he was to blame for that. You were both two halo trying to make a whole, both

observed with your self image. Both haunted by being nothing and everything at the same time. You missed him, you really did. But maybe he was right, that is what you had chosen to believe at least. Breaking yourself from your thoughts you were confused as you saw a black Range Rover in your driveway. You weren't expecting any guest and you sure as hell did not want any guests. Slowly making your way to the house, you saw his brown curls before anything else. You didn't stand a change as his eyes meet yours. The ground grumbled beneath you, crying you felt to your knees. How embarrassing but you just couldn't stand it, not today. "y/n honey! Are you ok?" His voice was concerned but you put out a hand, indicating you need time and space but that you were ok. Surely you gained composure over yourself again and stood to meet him again. "Hi what's up" it was way to casual for the welcomest you just had offered him. Way to sluggish for the man whom you lived with every fiber in your body. Pushing beside him to unlock the door you left him plenty of time to answer, his strong voice breaking you apart slowly "I just wanted to swing by, make sure you were good" mentally you were figuring out how to make him run away, but you were also contemplating how to make him stay forever. "I can see that you aren't doing to well y/n. I'm worried" he words were like a slap. You were doing excellent, loosing more weight than ever before while feeling heavier that every before- everybody dream right? "You lack of response isn't going to push me away y/n. I thought about it a lot before I came today, and I still standby what I said." You looked dumbfounded at him, did he really come all this way just to rub it in? The anger began to boil inside you along side the strong overwhelming feeling of sadness "what the fuck do you mean Ashton!?" Your anger took him back, his eyes a little more alert now" I'm here for you no matter what. I'm here as a friend until you are ready to be lovers again" his words hit you like a truck, failing at standing tall you collapsed into his strong arms as uncontrollable sobs left your mouth. He tried to collect his beautiful broken girl in his arms, so desperately wanting to put her back together. But this was beyond him, as it was beyond you. In agreement you went to treatment, as you had almost finished Ashton admitted himself to another treatment center. Both of you struggling with the balance of love and mental health. But as of right now you as individuals were more important, and every day the strong vow of friendship healed your both as you tried to break the mean cycle of skinny skinny thoughts.

[aingealcethlenn-archive]

The Best Of Me

Characters - Dean, implied Reader

Pairing - None

Summary - Reliving heart wrenching memories.

Word Count - 538

Warnings - Angst!, Language, Drinking, Abandonment maybe? Kinda? sorta? (If you spot any other warnings I should add, please let me know so I can edit this post to include them!)

A/N - All in Dean’s POV. No dialogue. Based off Brantley Gilbert’s song Best of Me.

Tags (Want on or off? Send a message/ask!) - 

Story:

I pulled the box out from under my bed. Shifting through everything, not looking for anything special. Instead, just reminding myself how much I fucked up. I pulled out a few pictures of us. Both smiling, both happy. She was perfect. In absolutely every damn way.

Spotting the folded up pieces of paper, I pulled it out and unfolded them. I’d read this damn letter time and again. Never failing to throw myself even farther over the edge.

No matter what, I will always love you Dean Winchester. But I just can’t watch you destroy yourself any longer.

Who could blame her, right?

I watched as a tear fell from my eye and landed on the paper in my hand. Smearing the ink ever so slightly.

It always started this way. Reliving the past with her, reliving all the times I’d royally fucked up. Reliving all the feelings that ran through me when she walked out that door. And it never failed to end the same way too. I always end up in a bottle, screaming her name, punching walls. Anyone who might happen to see, would no doubt think I’d gone insane.

Looking into the mirror hanging over my bathroom sink, all I see staring back at me, is the man who shook his head with no remorse whatsoever. I see the man who stood there, and watched her cry as if he had done nothing wrong. All while she stepped over the empty beer cans and the empty bottles of whiskey, that had been strewn across the floor, as she made her way to the door one final time.

I remember the night clear as ever. I made my way down 281, heading back to the bunker after Sam and I had finished our latest hunt. I couldn’t wait to see her beautiful smile waiting for me like usual, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go. That’s not what I found when I walked through the door. No. Instead, I walked in to see her surrounded by my stash of alcohol I’d tried to hide. No smile to be found, just tears filling her beautiful eyes, and that said it all.

Everything went downhill from there. Words were said, most that I regret. The only ones I will never forget, were when she looked me dead in the face and said, “Baby, please don’t give up on me. Don’t you dare give up.” Now all I can do is lie in the bed I made.

I want so badly to make her proud, and not give up, but it’s hard. It’s hard when her memory comes on so strong, like a damn hurricane. At times, I try to figure out how a love like we had could just up and walk away, but then I remember everything I put her through. Everything she put up with. It kills me.

So I pour myself another drink, and let the whiskey hit me like a goddamn freight train. My back against the wall, the tears falling without a bit of hesitation. It’s always the worst of her memory, that gets the best of me.

[waywardsons-imagines]

The Best Of Me

Writer - Aingeal @aingealcethlenn

Characters - Dean, implied Reader

Pairing - None

Summary - Reliving heart wrenching memories.

Word Count - 538

Warnings - Angst!, Language, Drinking, Abandonment maybe? Kinda? sorta? (If you spot any other warnings I should add, please let me know so I can edit this post to include them!)

A/N - All in Dean’s POV. No dialogue. Based off Brantley Gilbert’s song Best of Me.

Story:

I pulled the box out from under my bed. Shifting through everything, not looking for anything special. Instead, just reminding myself how much I fucked up. I pulled out a few pictures of us. Both smiling, both happy. She was perfect. In absolutely every damn way.

Spotting the folded up pieces of paper, I pulled it out and unfolded them. I’d read this damn letter time and again. Never failing to throw myself even farther over the edge.

No matter what, I will always love you Dean Winchester. But I just can’t watch you destroy yourself any longer.

Who could blame her, right?

I watched as a tear fell from my eye and landed on the paper in my hand. Smearing the ink ever so slightly.

It always started this way. Reliving the past with her, reliving all the times I’d royally fucked up. Reliving all the feelings that ran through me when she walked out that door. And it never failed to end the same way too. I always end up in a bottle, screaming her name, punching walls. Anyone who might happen to see, would no doubt think I’d gone insane.

Looking into the mirror hanging over my bathroom sink, all I see staring back at me, is the man who shook his head with no remorse whatsoever. I see the man who stood there, and watched her cry as if he had done nothing wrong. All while she stepped over the empty beer cans and the empty bottles of whiskey, that had been strewn across the floor, as she made her way to the door one final time.

I remember the night clear as ever. I made my way down 281, heading back to the bunker after Sam and I had finished our latest hunt. I couldn’t wait to see her beautiful smile waiting for me like usual, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go. That’s not what I found when I walked through the door. No. Instead, I walked in to see her surrounded by my stash of alcohol I’d tried to hide. No smile to be found, just tears filling her beautiful eyes, and that said it all.

Everything went downhill from there. Words were said, most that I regret. The only ones I will never forget, were when she looked me dead in the face and said, “Baby, please don’t give up on me. Don’t you dare give up.” Now all I can do is lie in the bed I made.

I want so badly to make her proud, and not give up, but it’s hard. It’s hard when her memory comes on so strong, like a damn hurricane. At times, I try to figure out how a love like we had could just up and walk away, but then I remember everything I put her through. Everything she put up with. It kills me.

So I pour myself another drink, and let the whiskey hit me like a goddamn freight train. My back against the wall, the tears falling without a bit of hesitation. It’s always the worst of her memory, that gets the best of me.

[auburnfamilynews]

Photo by Daniel Dunn/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Relive every beautiful touchdown from Auburn’s big win last Saturday.

Auburn punched Texas A&M in the mouth this past Saturday afternoon and by the time the Aggies regained their senses it was a little too late to make a difference. The Tigers’ offense put two quick touchdowns on the board in the 1st quarter, capitalized on a short field to start the 2nd half and then drove it right down A&M’s throat to put the game away for good in the 4th quarter.

Here’s a closer look at each of those big time drives.

Surprisingly, it was Shaun Shivers and Harold Joiner with the early touches on Auburn’s opening drive. An ineligible man downfield penalty put Auburn in an uncomfortable 1st & 15 early but a nice gain by Joiner followed by a penalty by A&M trying to substitute while Auburn used pace got Auburn out of the early hole. That set up a 2nd & 3 on the far hash mark which is where Gus Malzahn decided to spring his first trap of the day.

If you watched any of A&M’s games so far this season, it was really easy to notice how aggressive their defense plays. They specifically love to shoot gaps when an offense pulls their offensive lineman. If it jumps off the screen to me then you know Gus Malzahn and Kenny Dillingham saw the same. They came prepared.

The Tigers are showing Buck Sweep to the boundary. Boobee Whitlow has just checked into the game and with it being 2nd & short, A&M’s defense is in attack mode hoping to force a 3rd down. Watch #1 come screaming downhill when he sees Marquel Harrell start to pull. The backside defensive end also crashes hard. Nix gives it to Whitlow who follows his pullers to sell the sweep play but then tosses the ball to Anthony Schwartz who is coming back around on the reverse. Bo Nix throws a nice block to spring Schwartz free and after that it’s an Olympic calibre athlete just out running everyone on the field.

Tendency busters are always beautiful. They are even more beautiful when it breaks your own tendency while capitalizing on your opponent’s. It was a heck of a way for Auburn to kill some of that early energy in Kyle Field.

After going nowhere on their 2nd drive, Auburn’s offense got rolling again late in the 1st quarter. The Tigers faced an early 3rd & 2 so they brought in Joey Gatewood to try and get the conversion. Again though Auburn was looking to break tendencies.

Auburn did not give it on the jet sweep once against Kent State two weeks ago when Joey Gatewood came into the game. Given the short yardage situation and past tendencies A&M was likely expecting Gatewood to keep it. Auburn shows GT Counter towards the boundary but instead of keeping it and following his pullers, Gatewood gives it to Stove on the speed sweep.

There are two critical blocks that make this play. First, Prince Tega Wanogho is lined up the to the right of Jack Driscoll and does an outstanding job of sealing his man inside after getting pushed back on the snap. Second, watch Sal Cannella dart in and pick up the crashing the safety, washing him completely out of the play. With those two blocks, Stove can turn up field and pickup the first down.

On the very next play, Auburn goes speed sweep again the opposite way with Anthony Schwartz.

I wanted to highlight this play to shout out Malik Miller. The veteran doesn’t have the most glamorous job on this team but when he’s in the game it’s usually to block and this is why. Again, A&M’s defense is extremely aggressive and when they see Schwartz coming across the formation the safety to the play side comes flying downhill. Miller though gets out wide and is able throw an outstanding block pushing knocking the safety out of the play and allowing Schwartz to get free for a nice pickup.

Two plays later Auburn was back in the endzone.

Once again, Auburn breaks a tendency with great success. We knew at some point Joey Gatewood would get to throw it but apparently A&M’s defense did not think it would be this play.

Auburn is in a tackle over look again with Prince Tega Wanogho lined up alongside Jack Driscoll. John Samuel Shenker is in Tega’s place and since he’s the end man on the line of scrimmage and isn’t covered up, he’s an eligible wide receiver.

The Tigers send Schwartz in motion across the formation which draws plenty of attention but most of the Aggies’ eyes are on Gatewood. The cornerback to the boundary chases Schwartz across the formation while the safety comes flying downhill (noticing a theme?) which leaves Shenker all by his lonesome in the endzone. Spencer Nigh throws an insane block to give Gatewood just enough time to plant his feet and deliver the TD pass to his tight end.

The endzone view gives you a better perspective of both Nigh’s block and how much A&M bit on this play.

After a not at all good 2nd quarter by the offense, Auburn’s defense hands the O a present when Daniel Thomas forces and recovers a fumble on the first A&M offensive play of the 2nd half. The Tigers’ offense went to work, quickly finding themselves just inside the redzone.

Malzahn apparently was a fan of Kent State’s pre snap motion circus as he breaks it out himself on this play. The shift works though because it gets Auburn with numbers to the far side of the field where the Tigers have three wide receivers. Looks like Nix wants Seth Williams up the seam but quickly reads the Aggie defense is sagging back to take it away and finds Anthony Schwartz on a nice comeback route.

I continue to be impressed with the speed at which Nix processes things. He’s not been as accurate down the field as you would like but he’s doing an outstanding job getting through his progressions and getting the ball out. Each week I see him stare down his first read less and less. Now he just need him to hit some of those bombs over the top.

AUBURN THROWS A SLANT FOR A TOUCHDOWN! AUBURN THROWS A SLANT FOR A TOUCHDOWN!

Auburn is in a 2x2 look while the Aggies are in some kind of 2 high safety coverage that I think is Cover 2. Nix is reading the flat defender. If he sinks back into zone then this ball goes to Jay Jay Wilson in the slot. He chases which opens a wide throwing lane to Seth Williams.

AuburnSports.com’s Jay Tate did a great job breaking this play down earlier this week and pointed out that Williams uses a skip on his release here just like he did when he ran the fade last year for a pair of touchdowns. A&M was clearly respecting his ability to get outside and make a play thus the soft coverage which in turn opened things up for the slant for a touchdown.

Auburn’s final TD drive was a thing of beauty. The Tigers traversed 69 yards on 12 plays eating up 6:01 of game clock. Even more beautifully 11 of those plays were on the ground meaning Auburn lined up, ran the dang ball and stuck it in the endzone to respond to A&M’s first touchdown of the day. Consistency might not yet be there but this group steps up when they have to.

But things almost got off to a bad start.

Here’s that Kent State like pre snap shift they ran earlier with great success. This time though Auburn is late getting on the field so the play clock is already winding down. Nix notices it, abandons the timing of the motion to get his guys lined up in time and gets the snap off just as the play clock hits 0. Boobee makes a nice back side cut that goes for a big 1st down gain.

Again, Nix has to get better pushing the ball down the field for Auburn to really morph into a championship contender. But it’s plays like this that make you so hopeful for the future. The true freshman plays with outstanding awareness and continues to do the little things that help you win. The timing with his wideouts will click but to already be aware enough to make decisions like this on the fly to avoid putting your team in bad situations is a rare skill to possesses at his age.

Later in that drive, he again showed he’s got the clutch gene.

This was the only 3rd down Auburn faced on the drive and the only time the Tigers went to the air. Auburn has trips to the near side with Stove running a go route to drive off the cornerback, Wilson running a speed out and Cannella running a ��Stick” route. Nix wants Sal initially but doesn’t like what he sees. He takes a quick peak at Wilson who is also well covered before working back to Seth Williams who is running a dig on the backside. Williams does a great job getting inside leverage and separation. Nix sees it, gets the ball out quickly and on target for the first down.

The biggest issue I had at times with Jarrett Stidham is it felt like he was a second slow getting off his first read. Against Oregon, Nix seemed to have tunnel vision at times but as the season has gone on, he’s gotten better and better at working through his progression. As a result, he’s come through a few times with some big 3rd down conversions working to his 2nd or 3rd read.

There are still moments where his first read isn’t there and he panics in the pocket but the frequency of those occurrences are dropping dramatically. It’s becoming more standard for him to stay in the pocket, work through his progression and find the open man. It’s been fun to see his development so quickly which is why I believe the deep passing game will soon get clicking.

The final score of the day was on Auburn’s favorite new play - GT Counter.

Auburn opens with an empty backfield trying to spread the Aggies defense out. Whitlow motions into the backfield just before snap and you can see A&M actually has numbers on this play inside the box. Horton and Driscoll pull around with Horton fitting on the DE. Driscoll was going to pull around and take the scraping linebacker but Boobee Whitlow shows 0 patience and instead explodes through the hole before Driscoll get around. Tega does an outstanding job getting to the 2nd level to seal the linebacker while Shenker drives his man out of the play. Whitlow breaks the one tackle that could have ended things and dives into the endzone.

I thought we saw better patience overall by Boobee but not on this play. I suspect he will receive some correction to give this a half a second longer so his 2nd puller can get around and fit. Still, given the aggressive downhill nature of this defense maybe it was a good idea to take advantage of the open running lane while he could before there was any penetration backside.

Either way, Boobee found the endzone and reminded A&M fans that their greatest tradition of all is losing to Auburn inside the “Hate Barn”.

Never try to out barn a barner ya’ll...

War Eagle!

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2019/9/27/20886350/touchdown-auburn-texas-a-m-edition-bo-nix-anthony-schwartz-seth-williams-boobee-whitlow