#maybe I should have a chapter-by-chapter resource that goes into the triggers so people can go in prepared

[justmenoworries]

Not Up For Interpretation - An Essay On Nonbinary - Erasure

(Trigger Warning: Misgendering, Transphobia, Nonbinary-phobia)

If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably know this was a long time coming. I’ve made several posts about my frustrations concerning this topic and how much it hurt me just how socially accepted erasing an entire identity still is. While representation marches on and things have become better for nonbinary people as a whole, we still battle with a lot of prejudice - both intentional and unintentional.

In this essay, I want to discuss just how our identities are being erased almost daily, why that is harmful and hurtful and what we all can do to change that.

Chapters:

What does Non-binary mean?

Nonbinary- representation in media

So what’s the problem?

How do we fix it?

1. What Does Non-binary Mean?

Non-binary is actually an umbrella term. It includes pretty much every gender-identity that’s neither one or the other so to speak, for example, agender.

Agender means feeling detachment from the gender spectrum in general. If you’re agender, you most likely feel a distance to the concept of gender as a whole, that it doesn’t define you as a person.

There are many identities that classify under non-binary: There’s gender-fluid (you feel you have a gender, but it’s not one gender specifically and can change), demi-gender (identifying as a gender partially, but not completely) and many others.

Sometimes, multiple non-binary identities can mix and match.

Most non-binary people use they/them pronouns, but like with so many things, it varies.

Some nonbinary-people (like me) go by two pairs of pronouns. I go by both she/her and they/them, because it’s what feels most comfortable at the moment. But who knows, maybe in the future I’ll switch to they/them exclusively or expand to he/him.

There is no one defining non-binary experience. Nb-people are just as varied and different as binary people, who go by one specific gender.

There are non-binary people who choose to go solely by she/her or he/him and that’s okay too. It doesn’t make them any more or less non-binary and their identity is still valid.

If your head’s buzzing a bit by now: That’s okay. It’s a complicated topic and no one expects you to understand all of it in one chapter of one essay.

Just know this: If a person identifies as non-binary, you should respect their decision and use the pronouns they go with.

It’s extremely hurtful to refer to someone who already told you that they use they/them pronouns with she/her or he/him, or use they/them to refer to a person who uses she/her.

Think about it like using a trans-person’s deadname: It’s rude, it’s harmful and it shows complete disrespect for the person.

Non-binary people have existed for a very long time. The concept isn’t new. The idea that there are only two genders, with every other identity being an aberration to the norm, is largely a western idea, spread through colonialism.

The Native American people use “Two-Spirit” to describe someone who identifies neither as a man nor a woman. The term itself is relatively new, but the concept of a third gender is deeply rooted in many Native American cultures.

(Author’s Note: If you are not Native American, please do not use it. That’s cultural appropriation.)

In India, the existence of a third gender has always been acknowledged and there are many terms specifically for people who don’t identify with the gender that was assigned to them at birth.

If you’re interested in learning more about non-binary history and non-binary identities around the world, I’d recommend visiting these websites:

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/History_of_nonbinary_gender

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Gender-variant_identities_worldwide

https://thetempest.co/2020/02/01/history/the-history-of-nonbinary-genders-is-longer-than-you-think/

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/gender-variance-around-the-world

Also, maybe consider giving this book a try:

Nonbinary Gender Identities: History, Culture, Resources by Charlie Mcnabb

2. Non-binary Representation In Media

The representation of non-binary people in mainstream media hasn’t been... great, to put it mildly.

Representation, as we all know, is important.

Not only does it give minorities a chance to see themselves in media and feel heard and acknowledged. It also normalizes them.

For example, seeing a black Disney-princess was a huge deal for many black little girls, because they could finally say there was someone there who looked like them. They could see that being white wasn’t a necessity to be a Disney princess.

Seeing a canonically LGBT+ character in a children’s show teaches kids that love is love, no matter what gender you’re attracted to. At the same time, older LGBT+ viewers will see themselves validated and heard in a movie that features on-screen LGBT+ heroes.

There’s been some huge steps in the right direction in the last few years representation-wise.

Not only do we have more LGBT+ protagonists and characters in general, we’ve also begun to question and call out harmful or bigoted portrayals of the community in media, such as “Bury Your Gays” or the “Depraved Homosexual”.

With that being said: Let’s take a look at how Non-binary representation holds up in comparison, shall we?

This is Double Trouble, from the children’s show “She-Ra And The Princesses Of Power”.

They identify as non-binary and use they/them pronouns. They’re also  a slimy, duplicitous lizard-person who can change their shape at will.

Um, yeah.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Did I mention they’re also the only non-binary character in the entire show? And that they’re working with a genocidal dictator in most of the episodes they’re in?

Yikes.

Let’s look at another example.

These three (in order of appearance) are Stevonnie, Smoky Quartz and Shep. Three characters appearing in the kid’s show “Steven Universe” and it’s epilogue series “Steven Universe: Future”.

All of them identify as non-binary and use they/them as pronouns.

Stevonnie and Smoky Quartz are the result of a boy and a girl being fused together through weird alien magic.

Shep is a regular human, but they only appeared in one episode. In an epilogue series that only hardcore fans actually watched.

Well, I mean...

One out of three isn’t that bad, right?

Maybe we should pick an example from a series for older viewers.

Say hello to Doppelganger, a non-binary superhuman who goes by they/them, from the Amazon-series “The Boys”.

They’re working for a corrupt superhero-agency and use their power of shape-shifting to trick people who pose a threat to said agency into having sex with them. And then blackmail those people with footage of said sex.

....

Do I even need to say it?

If you’ve paid attention during the listing of these examples, you might have noticed a theme.

Namely that characters canonically identifying as non-binary are either

supernatural in some way, shape or form,

barely have a presence in the piece of media they’re in,

both.

Blink-and-you-miss-it-manner of representation aside, the majority of these characters fall squarely under what we call “Othering”.

“Othering” describes the practice of portraying minorities as supernatural creatures or otherwise inhuman. Or to say it bluntly: As “The Other”.

“Othering” is a pretty heinous method. Not only does it portray minorities as inherently abnormal and “different in a bad way”. It also goes directly against what representation is actually for: Normalizing.

As a general rule of thumb: If your piece of media has humans in it, but the only representation of non-white, non-straight people are explicitly inhuman... yeah, that’s bad.

So is there absolutely no positive representation for us out there?

Not quite.

As rare as human non-binary characters in media are to find, they do exist.

Here we have Bloodhound! A non-binary human hunter who uses they/them pronouns, from the game “Apex Legends”.

It’s been confirmed by the devs and the voice actress that they’re non-binary.

Nice!

These are Frisk (bottom) and Chara (top) from the game “Undertale”. While their exact gender identity hasn’t been disclosed, they both canonically use they/them pronouns, so it’s somewhere on the non-binary spectrum.

Two human children who act as the protagonist (Frisk) and antagonist (Chara), depending on how you play the game. (Interpretations vary on the antagonist/protagonist-thing, to say the least.)

Cool!

......

And, yep, that’s it.

As my little demonstration here showed, non-binary representation in media is rare. Good non-binary representation is even rarer.

Which is why those small examples of genuinely good representation are so important to the Non-binary community!

It’s hard enough to have to prove you exist. It’s even harder to prove your existence is not abnormal or unnatural.

If you’d like to further educate yourself on representation, it’s impact on society and why it matters, perhaps take a second to read through these articles:

https://www.criticalhit.net/opinion/representation-media-matters/

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/arts/why-on-screen-representation-matters-according-to-these-teens

https://jperkel.github.io/sciwridiversity2020/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2019/05/22/why-is-equal-representation-in-media-important/?sh=25f2ccc92a84

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/why-representation-the-media-matters

3. So What’s The Problem?

The problem, as is the case with so many things in the world, is prejudice.

Actually, that’s not true.

There’s not a problem, there are multiple problems. And their names are prejudice, ignorance and bigotry.

Remember how I said human non-binary representation is rare?

Yeah, very often media-fans don’t help.

Let’s take for example, the aforementioned Frisk and Chara from “Undertale”.

Despite the game explicitly using they/them to refer to both characters multiple times, the majority of players somehow got it into their heads that Frisk’s and Chara’s gender was “up for interpretation”.

There is a huge amount of fan art straight-up misgendering both characters and portraying them as binary and using only he/him or she/her pronouns.

The most egregious examples are two massively popular fan-animated web shows: “Glitchtale”, by Camila Cuevas and “Underverse” by Jael Peñaloza.

Both series are very beloved by the Undertale-fanbase and even outside of it. Meaning for many people, those two shows might be their first introduction to “Undertale” and it’s two non-binary human characters.

Take a wild guess what both Camila and Jael did with Frisk and Chara.

Underverse, X-Tale IV:

(Transcript: “Frisk lied to me in the worst possible way... I... I will never forgive him.”)

Underverse, X-Tale V:

(Transcript: “I-It’s Chara... and it’s a BOY.”)

Glitchtale, My Promise:

(Transcript: (Referring to Frisk) “I’m not scared of an angry boy anymore.”)

Glitchtale, Game Over Part 1:

(Transcript: (Referring to Chara) “It’s ok little boy.”)

This... this isn’t okay.

Not only do both of these pieces of fan-art misgender two non-binary characters, the creators knew beforehand that Frisk and Chara use they/them-pronouns, but made the conscious choice to ignore that.

To be fair, in a video discussing “Underverse”, Jael said that only X-Tale Frisk and Chara, the characters you see in the Underverse-examples above, are male, while the characters Frisk and Chara from the main game remained non-binary and used they/them (time-stamp 10:34).

Still, that doesn’t erase the fact that Jael made up alternate versions of two non-binary characters specifically to turn them male. Or that, while addressing the issue, Jael was incredibly dismissive and even mocked the people who felt hurt by her turning two non-binary characters male. Jael also went on to make a fairly non-binary-phobic joke in the video, in which she equated gender identities beyond male and female to identifying as an object.

Jael (translated): “I don’t care if people say the original Frisk and Chara are male, female, helicopters, chairs, dogs or cats, buildings, clouds...”

That’s actually a very common joke among transphobes, if not to say the transphobe-joke:

“Oh, you identify as X? Well then I identify as an attack helicopter!”

If you’re trans, chances are you’ve heard this one, or a variation of it, a million times before.

I certainly have.

I didn’t laugh then and I’m not laughing now.

(Author’s note: I might be angry at both of them for what they did, but I do not, under any circumstances, support the harassment of creators. If you’re thinking about sending either Jael or Camila hate-mail - don’t. It won’t help.)

Jael’s reaction is sadly common in the Undertale fandom. Anyone speaking up against Chara’s and Frisk’s identity being erased is immediately bludgeoned with the “up for interpretation”-argument, despite that not once being the case in the game.

And even with people who do it right and portray Frisk and Chara as they/them, you’ll have dozens of commenters swarming the work with sentences among the lines of “Oh but I think Frisk is a boy/girl! And Chara is a girl/boy!”

By the way, this kind of thing only happens to Frisk and Chara.

Every other character in “Undertale” is referred to and portrayed with their proper pronouns of she/her or he/him.

But not the characters who go by they/them.

Their gender is “up for interpretation”.

Because obviously, their identity couldn’t possibly be canonically non-binary.

Sadly, Frisk and Chara are not alone in this.

Remember Bloodhound?

And how I said they’d been confirmed as non-binary and using they/them pronouns by both the creators and the voice actress?

It seems for many players, that too translated to “up for interpretation”.

(Transcript: “does it matter what they call him? He, her, it, they toaster oven, it doesn’t matter”)

(Transcript: “I’m like 90 % sure Bloodhound is a dude because he could just sound like a girl and by their age that I’m assuming looks around 10-12 because I’ve known many males who have sounded like a female when they were younger”)

(Transcript: “I don’t care it will always be a He. F*ck that non-binary bullsh*t.”)

(Transcript: “Bloodhound is clearly female.”)

(Transcript: “I’m not calling a video game character they/them”)

(Transcript: “exactly. The face was never fully shown neither was the gender so I’d say it means that the player is Bloodhound. So it’s your gender and you refer to “him” as yourself. It’s like a self insertion in my eyes.”)

So, let me get this straight:

If a character, even a player character, uses she/her or he/him, you can accept it, no questions asked.

But when a character uses they/them, suddenly their identity and gender are “up for interpretation”?

This attitude is also widely prevalent in real life.

Many languages only include pronouns for men and women, with no third option available. Non-binary people are often forced to make up their own terms, because their language doesn’t provide one.

Non-binary people often don’t fit within other people’s ideas of gender, so they get excluded altogether. Worse, non-binary people are often the victims of misgendering, denial of their identity or even straight-up violence when coming out.

People will often tell us that we look like a certain gender, so we should only use one set of gendered pronouns. Never mind that that’s not what we want. Never mind that that’s not who we are.

Non-binary people are also largely omitted from legal documentation and studies. We cannot identify as non-binary at our workplace, because using they/them pronouns is considered “unprofessional”. We don’t have our own bathrooms like men and women do. Our gender is seen as less valid than male and female, so even that basic thing is denied to us. I’ve had to use the women’s restroom my entire life, because if I go into a male restroom, I’ll be yelled at or made fun off or simply get told I took the wrong door. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me and I wish I didn’t have to do it.

And since non-binary people aren’t seen as “real transgender-people”, we often don’t receive the medical care we need. This often renders us unable to feel good within our bodies, because the treatment and help we get is wildly inadequate.

It’s especially horrible for intersex people (people who are born with sex characteristics that don’t fit solely into the male/female category) who are often forced to change their bodies to fit within the male/female gender binary.

And you better believe each of those problems is increased ten-fold for non-binary people of color.

We are ignored and dismissed as “confused”, because of who we are.

Representation is a way for Non-binary people to show the world they exist, that they’re here and that they too have stories to tell.

But how can we, when every character that represents us is either othered, barely there or gets taken away from us?

We are not “up for interpretation”.

Neither are the characters in media who share our identity.

And it’s time to stop pretending we ever were.

For more information about Non-Binary Erasure and how harmful it is, you can check out these articles:

https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/common-non-binary-erasure/

https://www.dailydot.com/irl/nonbinary-people-racism/

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Nonbinary_erasure

https://traj.openlibhums.org/articles/10.16995/traj.422/

https://medium.com/an-injustice/everyday-acts-of-non-binary-erasure-49ee970654fb

https://medium.com/national-center-for-institutional-diversity/the-invisible-labor-of-liberating-non-binary-identities-in-higher-education-3f75315870ec

https://musingsofanacademicasexual.wordpress.com/2015/05/11/dear-sirmadam-a-commentary-on-non-binary-erasure/

4. How Do We Fix It?

Well, first things first: Stop acting like we don’t exist.

And kindly stop other people from doing it too.

We are a part of the LGBT+ community and we deserve to be acknowledged, no matter what our pronouns are.

Address non-binary people with the right pronouns. Don’t argue with them about their identity, don’t comment on how much you think they look like a boy or a girl. Just accept them and be respectful.

If a non-binary person tells you they have two sets of pronouns, for example he/him and they/them, don’t just use one set of pronouns. That can come off as disingenuous. Alternate between the pronouns, don’t leave one or the other out. It’ll probably be hard at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get used to it pretty quickly.

If you’re witnessing someone harass a non-binary person over their identity, step in and help them.

And please, don’t partake in non-binary erasure in media fandoms.

Don’t misgender non-binary characters, don’t “speculate” on what you think their gender might be. You already know their gender and it’s non-binary. It costs exactly 0 $ to be a decent human being and accept that.

Support Non-Binary people by educating yourself about them and helping to normalize and integrate their identity.

In fact, here’s a list of petitions, organizations and articles who will help you do just that:

https://www.change.org/p/collegeboard-let-students-use-their-preferred-name-on-collegeboard-9abad81a-0fdf-435c-8fca-fe24a5df6cc7?source_location=topic_page

6 Ways to Support Your Non-Binary Child

7 Non-Negotiables for Supporting Trans & Non-Binary Students in Your Classroom

If Your Partner Just Came Out As Non-Binary, Here’s How To Support Them

How to Support Your Non-Binary Employees, Colleagues and Friends

Ko-fi page for the Nonbinary Wiki

The Sylvia Rivera Project, an organization who aims to give low-income and non-white transgender, intersex and non-binary people a voice

The Anti Violence Project “empowers lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and HIV-affected communities and allies to end all forms of violence through organizing and education, and supports survivors through counseling and advocacy."

The Trans Lifeline, a hotline for transgender people by transgender people

Tl:DR: Non-Binary representation is important. Non-Binary people still suffer from society at large not acknowledging our existence and forcing us to conform. Don’t be part of that problem by taking away what little representation we have. Educate yourself and do better instead. We deserve to be seen and heard.

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Life After Snowpiercer: Finally Free

Summary- 6.2k. Matt is finally contained and you have a moment. Curtis taking control of the situation and starting to step into his role of the leader of this new group with the help of Edgar. Maybe some trauma warnings? violence. 

Chapter 8 / Masterlist 

Oh Fuck

Matt stumbled back and behind Matt the front end lifted there rifles, the audible sound of clicks sounding down the line, but Matt held up his hand to stop them, Claude rushing to his side and he spat out a mouthful of blood, smirking as it smeared across his lips and around his nose. “Enjoy that Curtis, only one your getting.” 

“Well fucker you should watch your mouth. Its your god damn sister your talking to like that.” Curtis spat out, and Matt rolled his eyes at him. Claude handed Matt a cloth, him wiping his face clear and tossing it back to Claude instead of handing it to her. Your eyes narrow at the dick move he just did. That little shit! It was hard for you to accept what your brother had become in the years hes been gone. 

“Fucking hell Curtis, you are so. FUCKING. STUPID.” Matt stressed, shaking his head. “I told Wilford you were a waste of resources when he got it in his head to make you the next Minister of the train. You still think its all about working together, family, friends, blah blah blah. I told you before you can have so much more. We all can have so much more. People had it good on the train.” He looked over his shoulder at the group supporting him. “Wanna know why? Cause they fucking listen and know whos in charge. Took care of them. Now... enough of this shit.” He looked past Curtis at the large group standing behind him, the last of the end of the train. They took the worst of it, but there was still more then the people supporting Matt. Ultimately they were survivors. 

“So heres my deal, join me or die.” Matt grinned, rolling a shoulder up in a sorry. “Those we dont kill will be banished to go out onto the snow and ice alone. So who wants to stand a chance at least?” He looked so cocky standing there that if infuriated you, after all of it, all the years of pain and guilt you felt, it all bubbled up to escape in a ear shattering scream. The sound piercing like a siren, jarring Curtis next to you in shock and Matt took a step back towards Claude. The only one who had frame of mind to take advantage of the momentairy confusion was Edgar, giving off a war cry of his own and it just surged them all forward. Curtis himself was pushed forward and loosing his hold on you. There was a clash of metal on metal, those that carried axes smashing against rifles,people screaming, guns firing. 

Curtis pushed through the people but couldnt see a sign of you, feeling himself being tackled, he swung the axe he carried behind him and felt the thud of it sinking in a body, jerking it loose, he swung the gun he did have off his shoulder, and looked to find Johanna. She had the sniper skills to use this thing that he simply didnt. Quickly looking around, he spotted her not to far away. Currently Johanna was unarmed, using some trained skills she possessed, fuck she fights like Grey, slamming her hand against the mans nose to whip his head back, covering her in blood. In another barely to be seen move, her hand slams against the windpipe and he goes down, gasping, trying to drag air through what Curtis now assumes is crushed. “Jo! Heads up!” 

Giving a toss, Johanna reached up and grabbed it, checking to see if there was ammo in it. She glanced at Curtis who pointed to the top of the train car. She gave a understanding nod and scrambled for the train, dodging people and launching herself up a ladder. Higher ground, good girl. Curtis thought as he hefted his ax and went into the mess of it, still looking for you as he repeatedly hacked at those around him. “Y/N!” He roared while pushing through, where the hell were you, Y/N? Edgar came up beside him, both men panting from the exertion, Edgar still healing from his last ax fight, and Curtis had busted ribs and a half mangled arm. “You seen Y/N?” Curtis focus at this point is locating you, and he gave a shake of his head. “No man, I thought she was with you!” 

How you got seperated from Curtis you didnt know, one moment your senses were swarming as you couldnt stay focused, the building up screaming from your lungs to dodging clashing axes and firing rifles. You scrambling to find a way out, not having any way to defend yourself when you feel a set of hands grabbing you by the collar of your coat, strands of your hair getting caught and ripping out. “Stop!” you scream as you get slammed against a chest, snarling in your ear “There you are sister dear, his prized bitch.” 

“Matt stop! fucking hell let me go” You try twisting out of his hold, but hes got you tight, Claude following along behind as he drags you with him. “Curtis! CURTIS! COME AND GET HER!” Claude has a rifle pointed right at you, snickering at the sight of you in her crosshairs. “Everybody fucking STOP!” Matt yelled right near your ear, leaving your head throbbing and your hearing buzzing. You try to twist out of his hold again, reaching behind you to try and claw at his hand in the collar of your jacket, but he gave you a whiplashing shake to stop you, kicking the back of your thighs till you went to your knees, “Come get your little cunt whore before Claude decides to get trigger happy again.” 

Curtis and Edgar were scanning the crowd when Edgar saw Matt kick you down, grabbing Curtis coat to get his attention and he whipped around to see where you were, your fighting against it, but Matts got you twisted around, yanking you back and forth, and Edgar grabs Curtis coat to keep him from lunging in someones line of fire. “Fucking let her go!” Curtis rages out. Matts voice screamed over the din, and people pulled away from each other when they saw what was going on, The casulties scattered in the pink red snow all around them, but that wasnt what Curtis was seeing. No, he saw Claude looking right down the barrel at your head. And that alone spurred Curtis into action, covering the distance with long gaited steps, the bloodied ax at his side rolling in a complete circle with a twist of his wrist to test his maneuverability to put force behind his swing, Matt smirked coldly at Curtis, thinking he had gotten the better of him. How wrong he was. 

“Better stop right there, or else I blow her pretty little head off” Matt snickered, and wavered a bit when Curtis didnt slow down. “Shit Claude!, shoot him!” The man suddenly coward, yanked you back to your bottom, dragging you backwards, making you yelp at the sudden sting. Claude swung towards Curtis, who was close enough now to see the promising smirk on his face, that cold steel blue glint of his eyes. Claudes finger started to squeeze the trigger on the man who promised her death in a single look. You started screaming, kicking your heels into the snow and twisting to wrench Matts hold loose. “Curtis! CURTISSS! You fucker, lemmego!” your words are spat out run together, and your shoulder hits your brother in the stomach, making him drop you. And all you can do is see your lover in the aim of fire, and for the second time in days you swear your going to see his head get blown apart. 

Claude never gets the chance to squeeze, a POP and shes jerked backwards into a heap, and your looking around wildly, now sobs escaping you as all your fears are dashed again, looking up, you see Johanna sit up from the top of the train, giving a thumbs up to Curtis, who nods in anowledgment, and turns towards the two of you, your trying to ungtangle yourself to a stand, and Matt is looking over at Claude, in horror. The woman stared up wide eyed, but unseeing. She was dead before she even hit the ground. Matt steps a few steps back, and then bolts as if he had somewhere to go. Curtis doesnt even care anymore, rolling his shoulder and throwing his ax after the fleeing man, your hands come to your mouth in shock, wide eyed following the way its spinning.

It does nothing more then trip him up, tangling in his legs, and he landed hard on the ice. Two tail enders had bolted after him, jerking him to a stand, and those remaining front enders set down any weapons, and backing away with hands up. Curtis rushes towards you and falls to his knees in front of your, grasping your face in his hands searching you. “God your okay, right? Y/N, tell me your okay.” Your nodding in his hold, shaking. It was all to much, so much, and his arms fold you in close so you can press your face in his chest, sobbing. “Curtis I cant, I cant keep doing this...” he knows, your eyes we're pleading for it to stop and this was what Curtis had feared, you seeing Matt after all this time. It was just like all those years ago, where you shut down on him.."hey I got you, I got you" He drew you in, whispering it in your ear. No one said a thing, all of the survivors, prisoners remained silent at the couple. Not all of them could understand what was happening, but none would dare defy Curtis in this moment. His hands rubbed you deeply and when you quieted, he lifted you away from his chest to look down, checking you over. “Just a little more, okay babygirl? I really need you with me right now.” 

Your listening, sniffling to yourself, and under his hands you started to calm from your panic attack, his voice was deep and soothing, and selfishly you didnt want it to stop, but you nodded, and he kissed your neck, his voice soft as he spoke against your ear. “Good girl, come on.” And he pulled away, holding his hand out to help you to a stand. A bit shaky, you brush the snow off your pants, and his arm is around you, till hes sure your steady. “Wait here” he rumbles out and heads over to where Claude is laying, his hand reaching to close her eyes and collecting the rifle she had aimed at him, he shouldered it. Let her stay here, the snow and ice could claim her now, his strides long and ground eating the return to you, and tucked you against his side, leading you towards the train. 

The group of remaining tail enders gathered the discarded weapons, and Edgar pulled up alongside Curtis “What do you want us to do with these people?” 

Matt was being trussed up with chains someone had found on the train, he hissed at Curtis and you, fear, anger, hatred all aimed at the two of you. "I swear it, you will pay for what you did to Clau-" a rag firmly stuffed in his mouth, cutting off his words.

Hard blue eyes stared Matt down till the man glanced away, weakly jerking his shoulders as if to try and escape. Curtis resisted the urge to kick him while he was down, having no sympathy for Matt's loss. Claude threatened you, she got lucky her death was that quick. His hold tightened slightly around you as the two of you stepped away.

Curtis looked over the group they just disarmed, most of them looked lost, and unsure of what to really do as they were herded together. Silent You watch them willingly gather together, ready to accept whatever they are told. Your hand tugs on Curtis shirt to get his attention as he to is seeing what you were. “They were only following Matt cause they needed a leader, look at them. They need help.” Your face was still red from earlier, your eyes puffy. Before we take care of them, I need to take care of you. Curtis nodded and pressed his lips against the top of your head. “We will, but not till were sure about them.” 

“Pick a car, and put someone to guard entrances and exits, and him.... “ he gestures towards Matt, whos been dragged along behind them, feeling you tense up next to his side at what his next words would be. “Secure him in one of these rooms alone, I will deal with him later. Everyone else, get them inside, settled in. Kids need to be fed, the sick need a place to recover. I will come find you in a bit.” Edgar nodded, and turned away, rallying everyone up. Curtis continued to lead you up the stairs to one of the cars, hoping it was one that had the small apartment rooms in it. 

“Curtis wait, what do you mean deal with him?” You try to get him to stop as he led you down the narrow hall with a gentle tug of your hand, Curtis wouldnt be deterred even though you tried to get him to answer you. He shoved open doors to various different rooms till he found one that seemed to fit what he wanted. Leading you inside, he loosened his hold and searched while you stood there, shaking slightly, your nerves, shot. Seeing Matt and the long hike here had exhausted you to almost breaking. 

“Just as I said Y/N, I was going to deal with him.” He stepped out of the small bathroom the room had and pulled the rifle off his shoulder and set it near the door, turning back towards you to rub your arms. “and right now, youve had enough.” He drew you to sit on the edge of the seating area and you looked up at him with a look he was familiar with. One that was ready to challenge him. 

“You cant kill him Curtis.” Your eyes narrow at him as he shakes his head at you. Seeing that shake of the head, you grab his coat to keep him from pulling away. So tired, you were just entirely drained and you couldnt bare the thought of him going to take another life, any life. Youve had enough of worrying and trying to hold everyone together, finding out some hard truths, not to mention the abuse you were still sore from. You felt like all youve done was cry and breakdown. Enough was enough. You just wanted him to stay with you, Please dont go. 

Curtis moved to a kneel in front of you and unbuttoned your coat, swift fingers taking you apart in a intimate caring way that he needed to take care of you. Letting him, cause he was trying to ease you, and it kept him busy so you could study his next answer. “Promise me Curtis.” 

“No, Y/N, I cant and you know that. If he is a danger to you, or anyone else on this fucking train, im not going to hesitate to end him.” his eyes avoided yours for a moment, until his hands drew into your coat to ease it away, looking up at you finally. He could see the tears still brimming softly and his hand lifted to use the pad of his thumb to wipe it away. “Baby, you know Im not gonna do anything unless there was a real danger, Okay, trust me.” He huffed that last part out, his thumbs sliding along your cheeks as he cupped your face to look at him, 

Giving a small nod, you had to trust him. Youve trusted him with your life all these years, and now it was Matts you trusted him with. “I do Curtis... and I know hes not okay. What happened to him?” Curtis hands moved to rest on your thighs, rubbing lightly back and forth as he listened to you, his eyes showing his own weariness. 

“Manipulation on Wilfords part... But I need you to stay here and just chill for a bit, okay?” he said and your brows furrowed at that, his hands tightening a bit on your thighs. “Your shaking, look at your hands.” You take a glance down, and without even knowing they were shaking, fists twisted in the sleeves of his jacket, white knuckled, and shaking uncontrolled. Loosening your hold, you pull them back and his hands encase yours. “Please, I will be back to check on you in a little bit. Just stay here till I make sure everything is settled.” You give a nod, it was easier to give him what he asks and Curtis gives a gentle smile, a silent thank you Babygirl. As he stands, he kisses your forehead. “I promise it wont be long” and he left you sitting there, in probably the nicest room you have seen in seventeen years, and you didnt know what to do in it besides sit there looking around. 

Curtis closed the door firmly behind him, taking a breath to steady himself. She will stay, cause I asked her to. Trusting that you would, he straightened out and strode down the train car to see others taking advantage of the rooms, exploring and shedding clothes, as it was still warm in here somehow, was that running water? A rushing sound above him made him look up, and a stretch of his good arm braced against one of the pipes running, and sure enough it hummed enough to tell him that there was running water. How in the hell? he wondered as he moved to leave that car and search out where the prisoners were taken, where Matt was placed. 

He didnt have to look far, as Edgar was talking to Johanna, who nodded at Edgars request. “Yea, that shouldnt be a problem, we can take some shifts on and off, there are others from my car who are just as sharp.” Before Curtis could even inquire, she took off, calling out a few names searching these people out. 

“What was that about?” Curtis asked and Edgar looked over his shoulder, turning towards his friend, and beckoning him to follow, well aware of what he needed to be filled in on. “People who can actually use these damn rifles. The front enders said that they are all here, but we dont know whos out there, who might be coming.” Curtis nodded, listening to Edgar, he was right, they really didnt know, not to mention the ex guards that tried shooting them all out earlier. “Where they stationed?” 

“Johanna will take care of all that, shes ex- military, and trained for this kind of shit. She was the one to actually bring it up to me first.” Edgar shrugged as he led them a few cars back and swung up. “I put the front enders in the car ahead, and Matt, well hes in this one. I figured you wouldnt want him near his group again and start some shit. So separated for now. Might be easier to bring him up to the luxury cars were gonna be staying in. Keep him under better surveillance.” 

There was a reason Edgar was Curtis right hand man in all this. The kid was smart, he was always thinking ahead, and Curtis was thanking all that was holy the kid survived. Darkening a bit remembering the circumstance, he pushed it away and gestured Edgar to bring him to Matt. There was the business of how big a threat was your brother going to be. Going back to a steel door, Edgar pushed it open, and inside was Matt along with a tail ender guarding him, bound and gagged, the man knelt in the center of the room. Curtis stepped towards him alone, The other two men holding back. Curtis didnt even bother to bring himself down to his level, his hand just fisted in the mans hair and tipped his head back. 

“Im gonna be real honest with you Matt, and only going to say this once. If I think your in any way a threat to these people, to your sister, I will slice your throat.” Matts eyes darkened and he gave a muffled response. Curtis jerked down the cloth enough so his mouth wasnt stuffed with it. “You wouldnt dare kill me, Y/N wouldnt let you. She would detest and hate you for the rest of her life.” Curtis gave a cold smile, and nodded. 

“I know, and yet I can live with her hating me if it meant you wouldnt hurt her, or any of us again. Its a life Im willing to live with.” Matts eyes looked doubtful at Curtis, but he stayed silent. “There is no situation here Matt where you win. So were going to do this my way. Lock and key, maybe in time you will get some freedoms. Maybe. Your ass has a long way to go if ever, and the only reason your still alive is because of Y/N. So better not piss her the fuck off, cause like I promised earlier, I have no problem killing you.”

“You going to end me like you did Claude? Shoot me without being able to defend myself.” He spat a bit. “You know Claude wasnt going to shoot Y/N, you think Im that heartless. Are you entirely sure that rifle wasnt loaded and just for show?” Matt smirked at Curtis in the smug way of his. “As you keep pointing out, she is my sister after all. I have some obligations to her safety after all.” 

“Claude was Wilford whore, and had Y/N in her sights. Im not fucking playing anymore of the games, yall had 17 years of it. Things are changing. You still have to prove you have any loyalties to her. So untill we decide if your even worth keeping around.” Curtis brought the rag back up to stuff it back into Matts mouth, his protests going muffled. “This is your life now.” Ripping his hand back to release the man, he fell back and Curtis turned away. Done with his shit for now. Leaving with Edgar, the door slammed shut, closing Matt in the dark once more to simply wait. 

“You think he is ever gonna come around?” Edgar asked as they left the car, Curtis feeling better knowing Matt was secure till he knew what the fuck to do with him. 

“Maybe? He was once one of us after all. Although hes spent more time in Wilfords care. Show me what else has been started.” 

The next hour Edgar showed him what they set up, people were setting themselves and family up in the luxury cars, beds, clothing. It was even found that they had things such as electricity and hot running water. “But how is this possible” Curtis asked, flicking the lights on and off in a empty room, Edgar shrugging next to him. “I have no idea, maybe someone in the front end knows how its running still now that the train has stopped.” 

“Start asking them, im not gonna look a gift like this in the mouth, but I would like to know how long it will last.” Curtis flicked off the lights again and they continued on. There was an extensive medical unit, that a few people occupied, including Sara who seemed even worst. Y/N is going to need to see to her soon, Curtis left her to her rest, the woman shaking endlessly. The kids all came tumbling down the aisle, laughing and seeming to play a game. Timmy, why he actually seemed normal once more. They half collided with Edgar and Curtis, weaving around the men. 

“Git on outta here you pains in the asses! I already told ya once this wasnt for running around in” Edgar yelled, Curtis drew away to where he saw Yona sitting near a window in one of the rooms. 

“Hey, you okay?” He asked the young woman. She broke out of her trance and smiled looking at Curtis. 

“Oh yes... just thinking. He didnt make it you know.” 

Curtis’s hand rested on her knee. “I know Yona, Im sorry. But I promise you always have a place here with us.” 

“He would have liked this, going outside. No more tail end, front end.”Tears of mourning formed in her eyes for her father, and Curtis to shared in her sorrow. The man was a pain in the ass, but he got them to the front, saved his life as well as his daughters. She turned to look at Curtis, a guarded expression on her face. “Its not over though, we have to be ready.” 

“Ready for what.?” 

“I dont know yet...” she drifted off and turned back to the window seeming to get lost in her thoughts. Edgar raised a brow at Curtis in question. Although Edgar thought she might have a few screws loose, Curtis had started to trust her instincts, to the point he took them to heart. She had been right several times, forewarning Curtis at various points. It sunk in what she was saying. “When you know more, let me know. And anything else Yona, if you need something ask for me. Okay?” She gave him a nod, and a reassuring smile, pushing against his good arm gently. “Go, she waits for you.” 

That made him smile, maybe you were feeling better. 

While Curtis was gone, you did everything you could to relax, but it just amped you up worst, tugging at your clothes as the room felt warm. Real warmth you werent used to. Piling most of your clothes in a chair, your mind just keeps going through the days events, and the one that was making you choke up, try not to cry was your baby brother. How could he be such a monster... You couldnt understand what happened, how he could ever become that. All those years of guilt bubbled in your chest, and it hurt. Fucking hurt that you werent able to protect him, and now if given the chance you were sure Matt would just kill you all. Or worst. The coldness in his eyes, glee filled when you had looked at him in fear. Whatever Wilford done, he killed the boy you knew. 

Sitting on the edge of the seating area, you drew your legs up and hid your face in your knees, waiting for Curtis to return. There was nothing else, no way to escape the thoughts swarming, there was no way to let yourself sink off into oblivion, which sounded like the greatest relief, although impossible, There was nothing more to do then wait for the next metaphorical axe to bury itself into you and your people, you lifted your head when you heard the door click to see Curtis return. 

A glance at your face showed that you hadnt truly calmed down since he left you in here, and shrugging off his coat and hat, he approached you and taking your hands, he brought you to a stand. Unfolding yourself, he waited until you were right in front of him and he wrapped his arms around you gentle to not make you pull back in fear like you have been doing and kissed your shoulder. “Theres hot water still, I want you to go take a shower, and tonight we will stay here.” 

“Hot water? How.... “ He shushed you and eased you into the bathroom. “Do as I say Baby” And he slipped the door half closed to give you privacy, and while you were undressing and testing the water, once it was full blast hot, you sunk into the stream of burning water with a sigh of relief. In the room, Curtis searched out the cupboards and found stuff of luxury they never had. Plush robes, more toiletries, some clothing, even a half full bottle of brandy that he took a swig off, and pocketed. Fuck that burned in all the best ways. He took the robe and set it on the bathroom counter, the room was full of steam, and he could see your silhouette swaying back and forth in the water. Fuck he wished he could join you, but not today. 

There was a knock on the door leading out of the room, and Curtis slipped the bathroom door shut further for your privacy before opening. It was Tam, and she had a bundle in her arms. “Whats all this Tam?” Curtis asked while stepping back to let her step inside, which she set it down, he could see food that they had packed up from there journey. She flipped open the blanket she carried it in so he could see properly. It was things like more crackers, and peanut butter. God damn peanut butter, now that was a sight for sore eyes. “I figured you were busy and needed to be fed.” 

“Thanks for this Tam, It was something I was going to go for next.” Curtis confessed and Tam smiled and patted his arm. 

“I know, figured I would save you two the hassle.” In the bathroom you cut the water and listened to the exchange before deciding it was safe to step out of the stall, on the counter you found a robe Curtis must have found, and wrapped yourself in it, waiting till you heard his “thank yous and I will come find you later” When you opened the door, he tilted his head, smiling at you. Consciously you tried to run your fingers through your hair. “Feeling a bit better?” He asked you and you nodded. Drawing you into his hold when he sat down, folding into his lap, he dragged the blanket over. 

“Look what Tam brought us... whens the last time we had something like Peanut Butter?” Your eyes widened as you picked up the plastic jar, rolling it in your hand. “Did you like it before the train?” Curtis asked as you pried off the top, a excited nod made him chuckle, and he took it from you to peel off the paper seal, and tipped it to you. “Go ahead, try some.”

“This used to be my favorite before, could eat it right off the spoon.” Your finger tip dragged through the smooth butter, and brought it to your lips, closing your eyes to savor it. Curtis wedged the jar in your lap and also pulled the sleeve of saltines over, using his teeth to split it open, and drag a cracker through the top and popped it in his mouth. It was fucking better then he remembered, and you did the same as he did. It was probably the best meal either of you shared, and before the end you two were laughing softly and feeding each other, until you shook your head. “I cant anymore... but thank you.” 

Cupping his face in your hands, you kissed him with a soft sigh passing between the two of you, soft kisses with peanut butter taste, you leaned your forehead against his for a minute. “Stay long enough till I fall asleep?” You ask when you pull back and screw on the top. You know that he wont be staying for a few nights all night until he was sure that you all were established safe. You wouldnt ask him to cause you know he would be torn between wanting to remain with you and going to be sure the rest were safe. 

“Of course, tomorrow I will find us a more suitable room. I dont think we could make this couch work, our bunk had a bit more room.” He confirms as you moved out of his lap and set the stuff Tam brought on the counter running along the opposite wall. This time you curl into his side so when you drifted off he could slip out, his hand trailing along your side while you settled in, your gaze looking out the windows the snow glowing from the incredibly bright stars overhead in the inky blackness. Letting yourself think about the day, relaxing from his touch, it was firm through the robes fabric. “How was it... your talk with Matt?”

Curtis had expected you to ask him, and he was silent a moment, not really wanting to break this first real at ease moment you two shared. But finally he spoke when you to remained silent, waiting for him. “I told him the way it was Y/N, that I cant tolerate danger to any of our people, and that until we all decide what we want to do with him, he will remain in his current predicament. Tied and gagged.” He felt you wince, but didnt protest to any of it.

“Do you think he will talk to me?” You ask next, tipping your head back to look up at Curtis. 

He swallowed and his face became guarded, it was no real secret he didnt want you going around Matt. His eyes fell down to you, and he knew he really couldnt keep you from your brother. “How about we take that one day at a time? Youve been through alot baby within these past few days.”

“Speaking of that... “ You shift enough to sit up next to him, rubbing your arm. “Curtis, there could be the very real possibility that im... “ Your hand moves to rest against your stomach. “I have no idea, and its not just me, there might be others.” Curtis jaw tensed thinking about what you were saying that your personal hell might have resulted in making a life. His hand moved over yours and he made eye contact, his words a promise. 

“Listen Y/N whatever you want to do, thats what we will do. You decide to have a baby should you be pregnant, then that will be my child to. If you decide that its not the right thing to do, we will figure that out to. They have an extensive hospital wing here, and possibly still a doctor. Im going to find out later if anyone is medically trained. As for the others, they will of course have the same choices. They are free to do what they need to.” 

You breathed out, one hand it was a relief that Curtis confirmed what you already suspected. “Even if its another mans baby?” 

“Of course, I dont care who the bastard biological father is, I cant say I would be a good dad by any means. But fuck if Im letting you do that alone. Especially since you should have never had that happen in the first place.” His face clouded, and you frowned, nudging his shoulder. “Hey! It isnt your fault, youve protected me more times then I can count in the tail end, and I made it out. We made it out. We will with this to, right?” 

You needed him to believe it, that it wasnt on him. He could lie to you about it, but not himself. He messed up, with you, Edgar, hell the train. Now they were stuck in who the fuck knows. But for now it all just simmered below the surface. “Get some sleep babygirl. We will take all this one day at a time.” 

You would have kept up the conversation till you heard the words, but it was hard to resist his request, but not to you placed a soft loving kiss on his lips, and rubbed your nose against his. “And Mr.Everett, you would make a perfectly fine Daddy, when the time comes.” He gave a doubtful grin and roll of his eyes. You can think that all you want, Curtis knew the truth. You would make a wonderful mother, regardless of all the times you claimed it wasnt for you, that the trains orphans were enough. Him though... he would just mess up any kid of his and this life, it was day to day survival. You settled down at his side, and his hand rested protectively against your hip, rubbing gently. 

When you finally drifted off, a few more regular nights, and Curtis suspected you would feel like yourself again. He eased gently away and shook out the blanket Tam brought, settling it over you. When he left, he collected the rifle he had left behind when they first settled in the room, and checked the rifle while walking down towards the exit. Just as Matt said, empty. Sighing to himself, he clicked it back together, and shrugged it off. Oh well, Claude had it coming. 

Edgar appeared at his side, and followed along once he saw Curtis. “Whats the next move?” 

“Were going to sort out our prisoner situation. First, this...” He motioned to the rifle he carried. “Lets store it away with the rest, we need to be careful with them, take inventory. See if they have some kind of bullet maker.” Curtis was thinking out loud while Edgar led him off the train and walked around small fires people built, Curtis suspected people couldnt stand the enclosed space anymore, and standing under the wide open sky, he inhaled the cold air deeply, counting his blessings. For the first time it really sunk in. 

They were free. Actually free from the tail end and Wilford. 

Tags-  @jtargaryen18 @what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @p8tn0lish @stardancerluv @princess-evans-addict  @that-damn-girl @curtisbbq @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @thatweirdwalangpake @imanuglywombat @patzammit​

[green-eyed-whumpster]

My OC Universe: Rowan 59

Chapter 59 Summary: Everyone thoroughly enjoyed Rowan taking William down a few pegs. Except William, of course. And it may have been the most beneficial time to snap. (Taggarinoes: @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi, @much-ado-about-whumping, @abitefullofeverything, @whump-me-all-night-long, @sky-or-something-idfk, @tears-and-lilies)

Trigger Warnings: Verbal abuse, dehumanisation, William throws a hissy fit

“My lady,” Cordelia said in a soft voice, breaking through the silence of the others, watching as Rowan curled in on himself in soft sobs. “This certainly does not sound like a creature who will support William or his peers.” The man in question was seething, unable to find any words and so simply growled at the boy in tears.

“Well, what do you suggest?” Marie whispered back. “Too many of the castle staff could recognise him here, especially because he is branded with William’s crest.” Cordelia murmured her plan under her breath to Marie, while Merek stepped in front of them to the two prisoners. “That was certainly a revelation,” He said interestedly. “Do you regret having tasked me with punishing him, now?” Rowan looked up as William snorted. “I regret not letting him die in that den of savages like I should have.” He snarled, spitting at Rowan. “I’m not even surprised.” Rowan gasped as his chest shuddered. “Of course, you were behind it.” “For your information, I do regret having had to do that,” Merek said to him. “He was quite insistent that you wouldn’t be able to function without him.” “You traitor!” William hissed. “You were nothing but a snivelling, spoiled child that cared about nothing but your own pleasure and how to maintain it.” Merek turned, spouting poison at William. “Our nation would have collapsed under your rule like a sandcastle at high tide. We needed a ruler who cared about the future, and was intelligent enough to undo all the damage that you and your father did.” 

Rowan could almost feel the nerves on his hip tingling. His scar had become just that, a scar, but he could still feel the pain as easy as remembering it. “Did you like seeing me scarred with your crest? Was it empowering, to know that among all your treasures and silks and other possessions, that you had managed to claim a person as your own as well?” William met his gaze with a wry smile and Rowan resisted the urge to scream. “It was, for a time,” He admitted, glancing away and shrugging. “Then I realised you weren’t actually a person, you were a pet. Humans have real emotions, personality, opinions. You were like a dog, licking at my heels and wagging your tail every time I gave you a pat.” 

It was true. Rowan didn’t want to admit it. Didn’t want to let William believe that he was right. Even though he was. “You made me that way –“ “You were like that when I walked into the cell you were cowering in! Whining like a needy animal and kissing my boots! I saw a pitiful creature in the barracks and they remained like that for the entire time they doted on me.” 

Marie watched the exchange and sighed softly, looking at where Rowan was resting, fresh tears welling in his eyes. A pitiful creature he was. But not through his own actions. She nodded to Cordelia and turned her attention back to the prisoners. “It’s incredible,” She began, moving out from the makeshift privacy of the corner to stand between them. “You have absolutely no friends left, due to your selfish and cruel actions, and you still decided to turn away the one person who may have still been under your spell.” William glowered at her and she shifted her shoulders uninterestedly. 

“I approached him before we put our plan into motion, and offered him a kindness completely foreign to him since he was first kidnapped. If not longer. And he remained a loyal little lover. Refusing me and swearing by you and after watching you both for longer than I would have liked before chaining you in your dungeon and leaving you to starve, I found it quite convincing that his feelings for you were legitimate. And you destroyed your final ally, the most loyal of them all, despite all the torture you put him through, purely in favour of your self-preservation.” 

Rowan suddenly realised that when she caught him in the servants’ hallway she was testing him, it was a test he had failed. He didn’t like being called William’s ally. He didn’t like having it mentioned that he truly did feel some sort of fondness for William, even after all the torment. “What use is an ally with no resources or skills?” William spat. “He’s too far away to suck my cock so he may as well be dead.” I hate you. “Company is a talent within itself when one is locked away. I’m sure he can speak for that. He tried to comfort you and console you while you were screaming like a petulant child and you respond by kicking him in the face. And degrading him even more.” 

William’s eyes were immediately drawn to the bruise over Rowan’s cheek, and he felt the distinct urge to do it again. But maybe, in the back of his throat, there was a twinge of regret. He was so unused to seeing those dark eyes of Rowan’s not looking at him favourably. A scowl looked positively out of place on his soft features. 

“You made our lives far easier, in fact! With your consort realising he despises the thought of you we have one less body to care for.” William and Rowan looked at her unsurely, the potential of what it meant could have been drastically different. But either way, Rowan would be put out of his misery. “What do you think you’re implying?” William asked tensely. “I’m saying that, without the potential for your lover to rally a rebellion, or garner sympathy for you, he’s useless to us.” This is it. I’ve always been useless, now I’m going to pay for it. “So, what? You’re going to drown him in a bucket like people do to puppies?” William asked, smirking at Rowan. “Oh, William,” Merek sighed, looking at the King in disappointment. “Don’t you pity me!” The man in question snarled and Rowan shook his head softly, seemingly the only one interested in his future as was about to be revealed by Marie. “Lady Thornback will be dealing with him.” She said once William appeared to be quiet for the moment. “I don’t care what it means, but she has assured me that it means I won’t need to think about him ever again.” Cordelia nodded and turned her head to the guards. 

Rowan felt his stomach flipping at the idea that he was going to be released into Cordelia’s care. After begging her for help, she would hopefully let him disappear into the throng of alley cats and street urchins of one of the neighbouring towns. Or even if she did kill him, it would surely be more kind than anything William would have earned them both. William watched in fury as the guards removed the chain from the loop it was resting in, allowing Rowan to lower his arms fully again. “He’s not that dangerous,” Cordelia offered, fingers trailing against her belt, were a slender knife was scabbarded. “I don’t think he needs the shackles.” William only became angrier as he watched the soldiers release Rowan from all forms of bondage. He had become a man with more freedom than the King had. “You can’t leave me here!” He roared. “Not while the whore goes free!” Marie offered him an indifferent glance before shrugging. “I don’t see why it matters,” She replied. “I thought you wanted him dead.” Rowan barely hid his smile as he struggled to his feet. “You can’t leave me here!” William repeated. “He is mine! You have no right to take him from me!” If he hadn’t been made explicitly aware of William’s complete disregard for him, Rowan might have thought it was through affection that William said that. Not just from the pure rage that not being in control was doing to him. “Try and stop him.” Merek chuckled. “Don’t worry, William, I’ll always be yours.” Rowan whispered, turning his gaze to him as his knees trembled. “You made sure of that.”

[lonsdalewrite]

(VERY OUTDATED) Writeblr Introduction Post (posted 14/06/21)

Hello, Writeblr! I’m a writer of predominantly fantasy who goes by the pseudonym “P. Lonsdale”. (She/her in general, but I don’t care too much.) I’ll be using this blog to:

Share progress on, and post sneak peeks at, my writing projects

Post the occasional short story that I write

Give tips and maybe share resources

And sometimes reblog art I do for my stories from my main.

I’ve been making up stories and characters for basically my entire life, but it’s only in the last year or so that things have really started to come together for me. I’m glad to be able to share my writing with the world!

I have a long-standing interest in biology, which shows in the majority of my work. A fair few of my stories have themes of transformation and reflection on humanity / personhood / existence. Another thing you can expect from my works is diversity of various types in the casts: I believe it is extremely important for people of all identities to see themselves represented well, so that is what I strive to do.

And without further ado, here are my current projects!

CURRENT WIPS

🪴 Unfolding Summer 🪴

For over a hundred years, the world of Andanos has had its shots called by the Thaumageny, a mysterious phenomenon that reshapes the biology of multicellular life-forms in bizarre, yet often beneficial, ways. Taryn Viato, an aspiring biologist studying in the city of Eopolis, seeks to understand how the Thaumageny can so selectively and harmlessly change organisms.

Her hypothesis? It has something to do with the soul.

With a batch of especially mutation-prone ferns and an apparatus that can detect vital energy in hand, Taryn sets out to work. As the experiment progresses, the tempo of her life accelerates: a rapport with Eopolis’ resident immortal, an expedition into a lost city surrounded by chaos-jungle, and the possibility of romance all wait around the corner. But difficult memories start to make her question whether the truth behind the Thaumageny is a truth that should be uncovered at all...

Current progress: Finished with the second draft / first round of edits! All I really have left to do is go over a few chapters again and draw the cover.

Genre: Science-fantasy

Age group: New Adult

Length: Novel (current version is 67K long)

Romance?: Eventual F/F

Series? / Wider universe?: First book of a planned series

Three bonus points: Autistic protagonist written by an autistic author,  no terrible oppression allegories (and set in a land with no bigotry in general), lots of neat life-forms and fantastical biotech (telephone flowers! Lamp fungi! Bioplastic manufactured by algae!)

Content warnings: Stuff that could be considered body horror (although, with one exception, it’s not actually played for horror), mentions / discussion of animal death (all wild animals & in the context of taxidermy), brief arachnophobia-triggering scene + gun use + alcohol use

🏘 The Sideways City on the Rooftops 🏘

Senia often feels like the world is overwhelming and nonsensical. One night, after an argument leads her to slip away from home, she winds up in possession of a strange object - and when she accidentally breaks it while walking home along the rooftops, it bursts open into a secret world of her very own, where she finds she can escape from the pressures of daily life.

Then Senia learns there are other kids like her, for whom the regular world is also often unaccommodating. She invites them into this “Sideways City”, and they form a group of their own, where all the rules are different. But when the authorities of the city below begin to catch on, will space-warping magic be enough to save their sanctuary?

Current progress: About 2/3 done with the first draft

Genre: High fantasy (post-industrialization setting, roughly equivalent to the 1920s or 1930s in terms of technology)

Age group: Young Adult

Length: Novelette (goal is 15K)

Romance?: Eventual M/F, though it’s not a major focus of the story

Series? / Wider universe?: Technically standalone, part of the Sinirin setting

Three bonus points: Multiple autistic and ADHD-having characters written by someone who’s both, touches on a number of matters relating to neurodivergence + ableism + activism, magic cast through pieces of amber

Content warnings: Ableism (mostly against neurodivergent people), verbal abuse

I’ll be posting little snippets from the beginnings of both WIPs soon, so stay tuned for that!

[keepcalmandreadfluffinpublic]

Coyote Ugly part 3

A/N: soooooo I know I haven’t finished I hope you’re the last, but this was too good of an idea to not write. ;) This was so long overdue!!!! I’m sorry for such the long wait I made the mistake of grabbing a snack and came back and the whole chapter was deleted :( (the pain I felt). However, to make up for the wait I should be posting the other 2-3 within tonight or tomorrow!! As always I do not own the gif.... credit goes to moviewhorexo :)

Warnings: cussing, more ptsd (may be triggering), angst, things start to build!!

Pairings: Plus! Sized reader x Bucky, Steve x Natasha

Imagine: Running a bar was not ideal in your mind. However being able to invoke complete privacy for your clients was. All you had to do was lie about them and yourself, but what happens when your lies come to the surface and fate takes you on a whole new path? What happens when Earths greatest hero’s force that path?

An annoyed groan left my lips as I looked back at her picture. Her bright (y/e/c) eyes that were sparkling from earlier, now appearing dull through the screen. Her hair dull and lifeless, resembling the emotions held in her face. Her face was hollowed and thin, dark circles apparent under her eyes. I couldn’t wrap my head around how this was the same girl. If anything I would have thought they were twin sisters, and one fell into the wrong crowd. Shaking my head I placed the tablet down and pinched the bridge of my nose. the only thought crossing my mind was, who are you? 

The silence was cut short by the slam of the door opening. I didn't need to open my eyes to know it was Tony. “Are you fucking serious?” he yelled. I turned my head towards Steve who was looking right back at me. Great. “Now Tony before you start a fight-” Stave began to try and defuse the tension building, but Tony wasn’t having it. “I said to drop it! How hard could it be to just drop it? But no you went behind my back and invaded someone’s privacy, might I add a someone I love like a sister!” roaring he stepped further into the room. 

“She lied to you at the party.” I replied flatly

“The fuck did you say?”

“She lied to you, hell all of us back there!” I began feeling my own anger rising. “Tony how well do you know her? I mean there isn’t a shred of paper on her, no one has that little of information on them!” I say standing, while subtly crossing my arms over my chest. The metal turning and shifting was the only thing distracting me from losing control. 

Tony stared at us for a second, before shaking his head. “Friday call a team meeting, NOW!” he said eying both Steve and I. “Right away Mr. Stark. Is the living room ok?” the system responded earning a curt ‘that will do’ from Tony. “You want to know more about her? Well first we’re going to discuss serious matters, before we get to that part Barnes.” Tony fumed, before storming out. I took my chances looking at Steve, he looked just as confused as I was. “Did we just start something?” I questioned hoping he would provide me the clarity I was searching for. Steve stood there for a second before looking at me. “All I have to say is she better be worth what Tony is about to do, because Nat will freak if we did this without a good reason Buck.” was all he said before following Tony. Shit. 

The living room was in full chaos by the time Steve and I arrived. Wanda and Vision were arguing with Clint and Thor over what this ‘meeting’ would be about. Loki sat across from Natasha and Bruce who looked focused in their own conversation. Sam sat in his love seat with popcorn. He was smiling like a kid on Christmas. Tony was in the front setting up the screen. I felt out of place, don’t get me wrong I love the team (well most of them). But right now I felt like a fish in a shark tank and I was about to meet a very slow death. Steve strolled over to Natasha, who upon seeing him smiled. “What the hell is going on?” she asked watching Steve for any sort of hint. He looked down at her and smiled. “I guess we’re about to find out soon.” was all he said before joining her on the couch. I took my chances on the wall behind Loki, who seeing me knew this was going to more of a scolding then a meeting. “What did you do now Barnes?” he harsly whispered, with a smug smirk on his face. I just rolled my eyes and stayed on the wall. 

“Well now that we are all here.” Tony began, “I want to bring something to everyone’s attention.” he paused and scanned the room. No one moved an inch, but stared back at him confused as to what this was all about. “Invasion of privacy is a big deal! Now I know I’ve dealt in invading people’s privacy, but I want all of you to know right now. If you are going to try and dig information on anyone without my knowledge. Do not use my resources, I will not permit anything of the sorts. Now why is this relevant Tony? I’ll tell you why. Wanda put your hand down.” he snapped. 

Wanda taken by surprise lowered her hand and waited for him to continue. “Now as you all know I have very few people in my life who are dear to me!  People who are like family, besides all of you. I take it very personal when I let some of you meet someone close to my heart and for you to try and invade their privacy.” he stopped again, eying Steve and I. This caught everyone’s attention, causing me to shift my weight between my feet. “So I have decided to tell all of you about this special person and some general information, and I hope this will end curios minds from continuing their search.” Tony stated before tapping the screen. Her picture appeared replacing the once black screen. Her eyes still as emotionless as they were before. I couldn’t keep my gaze off of her. 

“This is my ‘adoptive’ sister Lea Black. She is 23 years old and owns her own Business, Coyote Ugly. This picture was taken 3 years ago when I first met her. She is my family and frankly I could use some. Here.” he said tapping the screen again. “is her today.” The image was completely opposite from the previous one. Your (y/h/c) shone brightly in the sunlight. Your delicate (y/e/c) eyes were squinted just a bit from your smile. Your eyes alone held so many emotions and life in them, I felt myself getting lost within them. Forcing my gaze from your eyes your smile welcomed me like a warm summer day. It was effortless and raw, truly beautiful. You were standing in the middle of a sunflower field with a bright yellow dress on. You looked content and at peace. 

“Now like I said she does own Coyote Ugly, a few of use have had the pleasure of being clients there, but if I find out that there is anymore invading her privacy there will be hell to pay.” as he finished everyone slowly looked around the suddenly to small of a room. There was a brief silence before Sam’s voice broke through. “So that’s why y’all were in a hurry to get back.” he stated throwing more popcorn into his mouth. “What does he mean by that Steve?” Wanda asked knowing no one was gonna let her in their minds. Steve lowered his hands into his hands, releasing a long sigh. “Well I-” but before he could continue I interrupted him. 

“I was the one who invaded both Lea’s and Tony’s privacy. She said something back at the club and I caught her in a lie. I forced steve to help me and againsts his better judgment he helped because he is my best friend. I am sorry Tony for doing what I did, but I will not apologize for trying to find the truth. There is something more you won’t tell us about her and I’ll be damned if I don’t figure it out.” I said my voice slowly lacing with venom as I spoke. Before anyone could say anything else, I stormed out of the room. Leaving them all in confusion and my head swarming with questions. 

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How could I have been so foolish? I let a dry laugh pass my lips. How did he find me? Why hasn’t he come for me directly, Brock wasn’t a patient man, what’s his game?  Releasing a frustrated groan I stand up, deciding it was best if I left my home for a bit. Maybe going to see Maci would help. I glance at the clock seeing it was only 11 am, I normally would be getting up at this time, but I haven’t slept at all last night.

 I tossed and turned before caving in on the fact I wasn’t going to be getting any sleep. I spent most of the night sitting on my balcony embracing nature’s tranquility; while silently wishing I was as peaceful. The moon shone high above me, almost proudly. And with every pass of the night breeze sent a shiver up my spine causing me to nestle further into my blankets. My mind soon wandered over when I was little and everything was so simple. But simplicity is a luxury only few can afford. Around dawn I made my way inside for some coffee before resuming my silent contempt. Living a life mine, caffeine was the only consistent thing in it, besides Maci and Tony. The sun rose emitting soft orange hues, making the almost pitch black night turn into a shade of vivid lilac and pink. 

At that moment I wished for once time would freeze and let me relish this a few seconds longer, but all good things must come to an end. I finally made my way back inside, and began pacing back and forth once more; leaving a permanent trail in its wake. I don’t remember when I had decided to take a shower, only when did the scalding hot water hit my skin did my overly tense muscles relax. I stayed there for well over an hour trying to escape my reality. But all to soon the familiar worrying and unsettling feelings started creeping back in. 

Forcing me back to reality. I proceeded to get ready in an almost dazed like trance. I hadn’t even realize I was downstairs till I was grabbing my keys. The drive was around 15 minutes, surprisingly short for New York traffic. Maci had been by my side since we were little. She knew everything about my past and still stayed with me. I didn’t knock when I reached her house, using the key she made me I opened the door. I began to shrug myself up the stairs and slowly make my way to her room. 

I noiselessly open her door, her room was barely lit. Her shades were almost drawn closed allowing the only light to enter from their small cracks. I quietly made my way to my side of the bed, before taking off my shoes. Double checking for any one night stand stragglers, before easing under the covers. Minutes passed and the only sound in the room was her soft snores. Slowly I positioned myself to face her, while trying to make sure she didn’t wake up. “Don’t be quiet on my account. I heard you when you opened the front door dumbass.” she said in a airy laugh. I laughed as well party at her response and the other out of relief. I hate silence. “I was trying to be considerate moody Judy. What’s got you so cranky?” I ask genuinely curious. Maci is normally and angel when she wakes up. “I met tequila, and tequila knocked me on my ass.” was all she said before we were taken by a fit of giggles. 

Maci got out the bed with an urgent need to go pee. She left me still silently shaking my head and laughing. She wasn’t gone long as soon enough we were facing each other again. “What’s bothering you gorgeous. Normally you don’t come over here till after lunch. And I can practically hear your thoughts turning around in there.” she said tapping me lighting on the head. I pursed my lips not know where to begin, and eventually giving up while rolling onto my back. I let out a long frustrated groan while my arms covered my face. “I don’t know if that was angry frustrated or sexually frustrated, but I will gladly help with either.” 

Maci said earning a heartfelt laugh from me. Maci was something else, and the complete opposite of me. She was 5′7, thin and toned in all the right places. She had long blonde hair that fell to her low back and sparkling green eyes. She was the equivalent of sex on legs, she slept with anyone and everyone. No matter size, gender, or sexuality. Not only that but she was extremely intelligent and witty, maybe that is why Shield hired her.

“Definitely angry frustrated, but I’ll let you know about the other.” I said jokingly. she said something along the lines of ‘you better’, but I was still too busy laughing. She got out of bed to put her hair up as she waited for me to talk. “Y/n? What’s wrong?” she persisted standing in front of the bed. I sat up running my hands through my hair. “Yesterday there were a couple of kids who snuck into the club. Nothing out of the ordinary until we started to interrogate them. Someone had paid them to sneak into the club. Me being curious as to why kept persisting on the topic.” I said before pausing to release a sigh. I looked down at my hands before meeting her waiting gaze. “Well one of the kids, she said he paid them to come and find out if there was a y/n y/l/n there. I was stunned because only a few people know my real name M. So against my better judgement I asked who sent them. A-an-and she said he was a man who went by the name of Brock.” I finished looking at my best friend. 

Minutes of silence passed between us before Maci spoke again. Her gaze was fixed on the wall behind me.  “Fucking bastard will wish he was dead, before I ever get the chance to find him.” she fumed catching me off guard. “M I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop living my life, and so far there has been no more contact attempts.” I said her stare was hard and cold, before softening when she looked at me. “You know I will have to tell Fury Y/n... I would much rather you be safe than in the hands of that bastard again.” she replied softly while sitting next to me. I let her words sink in for a moment, while trying to come up with some answer. 

“Then tell Fury. I was foolish to think I could out run my past...” I said while the memories clawed their way back into my mind. 

“Come now it’s not that bad see?!” Brock said while bringing the needle too close for comfort. I flinched back only to earn a hard slap on my left cheek. The room he held me in was white, but not the pretty, pure white. No this white was dirty almost yellow, close to turning brown. The lights were bright as if knowing they were going to burn themselves into my memory. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve this. I stopped fighting him a long time ago, so why did he keep treating me this way? His hand came around to my arm, jerking harshly for me to move. When I didn’t move fast enough he dug his nails deeper into my delicate flesh, causing me to bite down on my tongue. Tears brimmed my eyes, while metallic filled my mouth. He led me down hallway after hallway, my tears causing me to trip earning more punches or kicks, whatever Brock felt like doing. When we reached the last hallway there was only one door at the end of it. It was all black and metal by the way the light reflected off of the steel. And as if to make it worse there was a large red x painted in the center of the door, making a shiver dance up my spine. My head was pounding and I began to think this is how I will die. I began to feel betrayed, betrayed by my family for abandoning me the way they did, betrayed by my brain for it won’t cooperate with my body, and lastly betrayed by heart for ever being able to love a man like Brock; and worse of all for still loving him. He released my arm to start unlocking the door, and my body came alive. I had a minute tops to start my escape and if I were to die, well I’ll be damned if I don’t go down with a fight. I turned on my heels and sprinted down the hallway. My blood felt like it was going a billion miles an hour, my ears were ringing, and natural instinct took control. I rounded the first corner and kept going, I heard the footsteps getting closer, but I kept pushing. As I went to round my 3rd corner a hand grasped my hair and flung me back, forcing me to land on my back and head. The air that once fueled my lungs to escape completely vanished and I was left a coughing mess. My head began spinning as all the blood rushed to the injury. Brock came into view and leaned over my body. He swayed his finger in a ‘no’ motion while tutting at me. “Now sweetheart, why’d you go and get yourself hurt like that? I haven’t even shown you my surprise yet and here we are with you hurting yourself again.” he said with a dark smile. I gasped for a few more minutes trying to gain the strength to crush his heart like he did mine over and over again. “I-I-I” I stopped to inhale a breathe, my breathe coming back to me. he leaned forward before grabbing my hair and pulling my face close to his, our lips no more than a hair apart. “What was that?” he asked a scowl forming on his once handsome face. The face I used to trace and love with every fiber of my being. “I-I-I was going to sa-y... I’m not your swee-eetheart no more!” I said before spitting in his face. His eyes clouded with fury I have grown to know all too well. He dropped my face and stood up motioning for whoever that was coming to wait. “We’ll see about that Y/n...” was all he said before I felt the feeling of his foot kicking my face and everything went black. 

It tooks me a while to remember I was at Maci’s and not at that horrific place. My breaths came out uneven and short. “Y/n? I need you to breathe okay? You are having a panic attack, hands over your head. What are your favorite things in the world?” Maci asked kneeling in front of me. Tears blurred my vision, but I refused to cry. “Y-yo-you....” I paused to raise my hands over my head to allow myself better access to breathe. After a few seconds I got a deep breathe allowing me to continue. “To-ony.. m-y job... a-and.” I paused again finally getting my breathing to return back to normal. I slowly lowered my hands and looked at Maci. “And cake.” I said with a small smile. “There ya go. See, you are ok? Now how about we get that cake and a stronger concealer for your dark circles.” she said with a smile. I laughed before pushing her slightly. “Hey!” I laughed getting up and slipping on my shoes. “Well babe I don’t ever hide the truth and the truth right now is we need food in our bellies! And some new makeup!” She said before throwing her hair into a messy bun. I gazed at her for a second, before glancing at her full length mirror. “Ooo God! You’re right, I look like a racoon.” I said laughing followed by a very loud ‘mhm’. 

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Tags: They are open so if you want to be tagged when a new part comes out just let me know :) @mccloudchloe​, @buckysthing​

[buckybarnesbingo]

BBB Week 23 Roundup!  

We have exactly 450 fills so far in this round of the BBB, which is just AMAZING!  Make sure to leave some love for our wonderful participants!

Title: Guarding You - Chapter 8: Guardian Angel Collaborator: Fighting_for_Creativity, Purple_ducky00 Link: AO3 Square Filled: B5 - Letting go (for Ducky) Ship: WinterIronHusband Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Shooting, Violence, AU Bodyguard, AU College/University, College Student Tony Stark, College Student Rhodey, Bodyguard Bucky Barnes, Fluff, Angst, Happy Ending, Dorks in love, Falling In Love, Fade to black sex, slices of life, Mention of alcohol, creep tries to creep on Tony, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Pining, Minor Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau/Nick Fury, mentioned dog, betrayal, Violence, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Injury Recovery, Clint Barton Trolls People    Summary: Though he was fired, Bucky saves Tony's life. Word Count: 12,353

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Title: Laying in wait Collaborator: kalee60 Link: AO3 Square Filled: Y4 - First Time Ship: Stucky Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, First Time, Getting Together, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, Implied Sexual Content, Puns & Word Play, Light Pining Summary: When Bucky’s sister gets engaged and has a destination party, he’d never imagined that they’d overbook the hotel and he’d be stuck sharing a bed with his best friend. Which of course wouldn’t have been an issue, not at all, except that pesky part where Bucky had been in love with Steve his whole life. But maybe, just maybe this rooming oversight might just be the push he needed to see what was right in front of him the whole time. Word Count: 1599

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Title: You better make sure you put me in my place Collaborator: call-me-kayyyyy Link: Tumblr Square Filled: U3 - Till Death Do Us Part Ship: Stucky Rating: Mature Major Tags: art, no serum bucky, no serum steve, wedding Summary: No-Serum AU where long-haired mechanic!Bucky and skinny artist!Steve tie the knot. ❤️

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Title: Here come the champs Collaborator: abitnotgoodiebag Link: Tumblr Square Filled: C1 - Paintball Ship: BuckySam Rating: Gen Major Tags: art  Summary: Paintball isn’t just recreation for these two, it’s a lifestyle.

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Title: Perfect Soldiers Collaborator: phoenixgryphon Link: Tumblr Square Filled: U3 - BAMF Bucky Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art, Jurassic Park AU Summary: A Jurassic World crossover; Russians had interest in purchasing the Indoraptor, what if those Russians were the Russian branch of Hydra? Hydra took immediate interest in the specimen, it was strong, fast had no metal arm and deadly, making for a fine counterpart to work alongside their existing Asset. Of course there was the whole issue of making it comply, but to Hydra that’s nothing a little programming can’t fix.aka you don’t get any more bamf than TWS working with a dinosaur.

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Title: Guarding You - Chapter 9: Guarding You Collaborator: Fighting_for_Creativity, Purple_ducky00 Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - Forgiveness, Ducky Y3 - Take the Shot, J_Gun_I Ship: WinterIronWar Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Shooting, Violence, AU Bodyguard, AU College/University, College Student Tony Stark, College Student Rhodey, Bodyguard Bucky Barnes, Fluff, Angst, Happy Ending, Dorks in love, Falling In Love, Fade to black sex, slices of life, Mention of alcohol, creep tries to creep on Tony, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Pining, Minor Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau/Nick Fury, mentioned dog, betrayal, Violence, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Injury Recovery, Clint Barton Trolls People Summary: The boys do what they have failed to to so far, talking it out. Word Count: 13,650

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Title: gentle and soft Collaborator: plutosrose Link: AO3 Square Filled: Y4 - Kink: Gentle Sex Ship: Stucky Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Gentle Sex, slightly pwp, Established Relationship Summary: Bucky tries to understand why he wants Steve to be so gentle with him. Word Count: 1288

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Title: Missed Dance- Second Chance Collaborator: fightingforcreativity Link: AO3 Square Filled: Y4 - Surprise Dancing Ship: WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: Soft, Fluff, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Soft Tony Stark Summary: A mission delayed Bucky's plan to go out with his boyfriend. Thankfully said boyfriend was nothing if not resourceful. Word Count: 980

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Title: I Thought You Were Smaller Collaborator: ariasfandom Link: Tumblr Square Filled: C3 - Free Square Ship: Stucky Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Smut, WWII era Stucky, dirty talk, size kink Summary: It’s the first night Steve and Bucky are together since Bucky was shipped out months ago, and Bucky wants to make up for lost time, and show him how much he loves his partner and his new body. Word Count: 1975

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Title: Kill List Collaborator: shadow-ravin Link: AO3 Square Filled: B1 - Kill List Ship: Bucky & Steve, Bucky & Natasha Rating: Mature Major Tags: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, 5+1 Things, Friendship, Killing, Character Death, But only bad guys die, Torture, Revenge, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence Summary: 5 times Bucky killed someone and one time he didn’t have to. Word Count: 805

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Title: Snowed In Collaborator: steves-on-a-plane Link: Tumblr Square Filled: U2 - Sharing Body Heat Ship: Bucky/Reader Rating: Gen Major Tags: not listed Summary: The last person that Reader wanted to be paired up with on a mission is the quiet and elusive Bucky Barnes. When the pair get snowed in together during a mission they have no choice but to warm up to each other. figuratively and literally. Word Count: 1373

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Title: bruises make for better conversation Collaborator: nightwideopen Link: AO3 Square Filled: K1 - AU: Supernatural Ship: WinterHawk Rating: Not Rated Major Tags: Blood/Gore, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comics/Movie Crossover, Supernatural Elements, Vampire Clint Barton, Pain Kink, Lovers to Lovers    Summary: “Jesus Christ, Barnes, what the hell is that?” Bucky let Clint feed off of him last night, and it got kind of… intense. To say the least. But he can’t exactly tell Tony that because he doesn’t know where Clint’s at with their whole… sexual blood sucking thing. Also, no one knows that Clint is a vampire. Word Count: 4331

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Title: Speed Dating Collaborator: arrowsandmixtapes Link: Tumblr Square Filled: Y5 - Speed Dating Ship: Bucky/Reader Rating: Not Rated Major Tags: A few poorly placed easter eggs. Summary: Your desperation pays off when you meet a handsome man at a speed dating event. Word Count: 820

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Title: Vacation Gone Wrong Collaborator: jurassicworjd Link: AO3 Square Filled: K3 - Going On Vacation Together Ship: WinterHawk Rating: Teen Major Tags: swearing Summary: Marvel meets Jurassic World. Bucky knew from the beginning it was going to go wrong when Clint told them that he bought tickets to the famous Jurassic World theme park. Yet somehow, he allows his boyfriend to drag him out there anyways. Word Count: 3183

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Title: You Alone Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Squares Filled: Chapter 1: C2 - IMG: Tony working on Bucky’s arm Chapter 2: U4 - Take the Shot Chapter 3: U5 - Abandonment Issues Chapter 4: Y2 - Kink: BDSM Chapter 5: Y3 - Last TImes/Farewells Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - No Powers, single parent tony stark, Omega Tony Stark, Alpha Bucky Barnes, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, Protective Harley Keener, Meddling Kids, First Dates, First Kiss, Past Tony Stark/Tiberius Stone, Panic Attacks, Sex, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Anal Sex, Light BDSM, Multiple Orgasms, Knotting, Weddings Summary: Life as a single parent isn’t easy, but Tony is proud of what he’s accomplished over the last fifteen years. He has his own electronics repair shop and has managed to keep his son Harley away from his toxic ex. So what if every alpha he sees puts him on edge? Most of his customers are omegas, anyway, and he’s content never to date again if it means never again having to go through the shit that Harley’s sire put him through. Bucky is more than intrigued by the smart and beautiful omega who’s repairing his arm, but Tony smells like fear, and Bucky doesn’t want to make things worse. He has to put a lot of effort into making sure not to trip Tony’s triggers -- made doubly hard by the fact that Tony doesn’t want to talk about them -- but he thinks it could be well worth the effort in the end. Word Count: 14,938

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Title: The Red Star Collaborator: startrekkingaroundasgard Link: Tumblr Square Filled: U5 - AU:Pirate Ship: Bucky/Reader Rating: Explicit Major Tags: m/f explicit smut, choking, public sex, exhibitionism, prostitution, name calling Summary: Pirate captain Barnes of The Red Star makes port and goes directly to the reader, his favourite prostitute, for some release. Word Count: 1305

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Title: (my hair) Through your fingertips Collaborator: darter_blue Link: AO3 Square Filled: C5 - “Kiss me.” Ship: Stucky Rating: Mature Major Tags: emotional hurt/comfort, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Canon Divergence - post Captain America: The Winter Soldier, hair washing, first kiss Summary: The asset left Steve by the river. Damaged. Broken.The asset himself is both of those things. But Steve should be neither.The asset needs to find Steve to makes sure he’s okay. Needs to right his wrong (just one of so many). And he needs to find Steve because he WANTS to, though he may not fully understand what wanting even means.Something inside him feels peace at the memory of Steve’s face (the only memory the asset can hold onto) and he maybe just wants to FEEL things again. Or for the first time…He just can’t remember… Word Count: 3651

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Title: Between a Rock and a Hard Place Collaborator: queen-of-the-avengers Link: Tumblr Square Filled: U4 - Rebecca Barnes Ship: Bucky/Reader Rating: Not Rated Major Tags: minor angst, crack fic, fluff and implied smut at the end Summary: ou and your two best friends are fighting, and you’re caught in the middle of it. The only person who will listen to you is your boyfriend, Bucky. Word Count: 1.1k

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Title: Aria in B♭ - Chapter 8 Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Square Filled: B4 - Alcohol Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Historical, opera singer Bucky Barnes, nobleman Tony Stark, Prostitution, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Dubious Consent, Pining, Dueling, Gambling Summary: Lord Stark has his faults -- a bit too fond of a drink, a little too reckless at cards, and entirely too happy to flout his good fortune in his rivals’ faces. But a man as wealthy and powerful as Tony Stark is bound to have a few peccadillos. What he is not, is the sort of man who would force himself upon another unwilling, unlike Lord Killian, who seems to have taken a particular shine to an opera singer in the troupe Killian is hosting. Tony rescues Mr. Barnes from Killian’s untender mercies, moves the troupe into his own home, and takes Mr. Barnes as his bed companion for the season. The arrangement provides protection for Bucky and the troupe from Killian’s spite, and tweaks Killian at the same time -- a win all around, as far as Tony is concerned. He wasn’t counting on Bucky being so utterly charming and wonderful, or for the possibility that he might actually, after so many years a bachelor, fall in love. Word Count: 28,643

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Title: Siren - Chapter 3: Roundtable Rival Collaborator: Writing_mermaid Link: AO3 Square Filled: B5 - language Ship: Bucky/Reader Rating: Mature Major Tags: Language, mention of injuries, Steve is an asshole Summary: Y/N is a mutant, a Siren, the last of her kind, with deadly dangerous powers and a hidden past. If most of the Avengers likes and get along with her, Steve doesn’t, and it’s getting worse when Y/N and Bucky become close. After all what can bring two broken souls together if it’s not a dark past. Word Count: 5564

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Title: Obnoxiously Perfect Collaborator: plutosrose Link: AO3 Square Filled: B2 - Alpine Ship: Stucky Rating: Mature Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Teachers, Alternate Universe - College/University, Developing Relationship, Coffee Date, Brief Mentions of Grief, Self-Esteem, Finding Your Crush and His Ex on Social Media, Brief Mention of Past Sharon Carter/Natasha Romanov Summary: After hooking up with Steve at a faculty reception, Bucky consults Alpine for advice. Word Count: 2899

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Title: It's Only a Paper Moon - Chapter 1 Collaborator: SierraNovembr Link: AO3 Square Filled: B3 - Bucky/Tony Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Depiction of a mental asylum, established relationship, Edwin Jarvis Summary: Fighting aliens alongside Captain America? A loving, supportive fiancé who overlooks the many flaws of Tony Stark? Tony often thought his life was too amazing to be real.  He might just be right about that. Word Count: 831

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Title: We Shall Be Monsters - Chapter 2: Dead All Day Collaborator: tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: Y1 - Hallucinations Ship: WinterIron Rating: Mature Major Tags: mentioned torture, Frankenstein inspired, reincarnation, rise from the dead, gross, dead bodies Summary: This is your 6:30am Rise from the Dead call... Word Count: 1370

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Title: Worth It Collaborator: darter-blue Link: AO3 Square Filled: Y4 - Pet rock Ship: Stucky Rating: Mature Major Tags: Modern Bucky Barnes, Fluff, Romance, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting Summary: Bucky is not having a great time here, speed dating was not the ‘opportunity to meet someone great’ he had been promised. This was just a faster, more efficient way for Bucky to get dumped. Until someone new sits down gracefully into the seat opposite him. Bucky’s looking up from where tight blue jeans around thick thighs have slid into the seat, up to a broad chest in a t-shirt that has to be two sizes too small, up to shoulders so wide they could carry a bus, and up, up, up to the most beautiful face Bucky has ever seen in real life. And he’s smiling. A real, enthusiastic smile.At Bucky. Word Count: 2051

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Title: Moments with You (Part 2 of 5) Collaborator: shield-agent78 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: U1 - Confessions Ship: Bucky/Reader Rating: Mature Major Tags: angst, anxiety, stress Summary: Both you and Scott Summers yearn for a beautiful remembrance that cannot be reached. Scott, in the form of Jean Gray, and you in wanting Scott to move on with his life and realize that love can be found again. Word Count: 1285

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Title: 5 Times Bucky and Winter Courted Tony, and 1 Time Tony Realized He Was Courting Back Collaborator: newtypeshadow Link: AO3 Square Filled: K1 - Steve Rogers Ship: Tony/Bucky/Winter Rating: Mature Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Domestic Avengers, Avengers Tower, 5+1 Things, Flerkin Shifter Tony Stark, Wolf Shifter Bucky Barnes, Symbiote Winter, Bucky Barnes & Winter Soldier are Different Personalities, Courtship, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Tony Stark, Kidnapping, Rescue Missions, Canon-Typical Violence, Dead animals, fresh meat, Cannibalism, technically, flerkins and symbiotes don't understand why eating delicious human meat is bad, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, murder fluff, Crack Treated Seriously, Getting Together, First Kiss, Aliens, Alien Cultural Differences, Polyamory, Flerkin Tony Stark, Cat Tony Stark Summary: There's a dead bird next to Tony's coffee maker. Gross. Except when Tony shifts into a flerkin. Then it's a delicious gift. Doesn't explain why Bucky and his symbiote, Winter, left it in Tony's kitchen though. Word Count: 10,630

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Title: They Never Went Further, They Never Went Back Collaborator: eachpeachpearplum Link: AO3 Squares Filled: Y2 - rescue mission (chapter one) C3 - free space (chapter two) C1 - recovering Bucky (chapter four) U4 - shoot first, ask later (chapter five) Y1 - hurt/comfort (chapter seven) Ship: Stuckony Rating: Teen Major Tags: identity porn, vigilante Iron Man, polyamory negotiations, asexual Bucky Summary: Steve and Bucky’s truck breaks down while they’re out searching for the vigilante Iron Man. Fortunately, mechanic Tony is willing to offer them a place to stay for a few nights. Word Count: 26,893

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Title: Hallucinations Collaborator: ShakespeareanQueer Link: Tumblr Square Filled: B2 - Hallucinations Ship: Stucky Rating: Teen Major Tags: Induced hallucinations, angst Summary: When Steve doesn’t make it back on the time travel platform, Bucky asks Wanda for a weird favor. Word Count: 3223

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Title: Better the Devil you know Collaborator: Kalee60 Link: AO3 Square Filled: C4 - Wings Ship: Stucky Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Bottom Bucky Barnes, POV Bucky Barnes, Idiots in Love, Light Dom/sub, they should really just talk..., Demon Bucky Barnes, Angel Steve Rogers, Denial of Feelings, Misunderstandings Summary: Attending work conferences was never Bucky's idea of a 'good time' - especially when the rival company was Heaven and he happened to be a demon from Hell. Even more unbearable, he'd been tasked to present a seminar (against his will) - Bucky was more about doling out punishments, less about educating his peers.So of course, while Bucky is already down, Steve Rogers turns up, an angel Bucky had been trying desperately to forget for the last millenia… for an array of reasons. Bucky now finds himself in close quarters with his feathery nemesis, and after living multiple lifetimes, was maybe finally learning that there really was a fine line between hate and lust, and an even finer one tethering it all to love? Word Count: 19,912

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Title: Know Your Enemy, Know Yourself Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: B1 - Mexican standoff Ship: Bucky & Winter Rating: Mature Major Tags: blood and violence, Winter is a separate personality, graphic depiction of violence Summary: The fight between Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier might happen in his head, but that doesn't make it any less real. Word Count: 771

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Title: Unshackled - Chapter 2 Collaborator: LiraelClayr007 Link: AO3 Square Filled: C1 - through a scope Ship: WinterHawk Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Amnesia, (of the short term), Sharing a Bed, Fluff, Angst, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Deaf Clint Barton, Hurt Clint Barton, Hydra (Marvel), Slow Burn. Will add more tags and characters as they come up, Escape Summary: Nausea roils in Clint’s stomach, and he’s suddenly glad there’s no food in his stomach. Mind control. HYDRA’s perfected brainwashing and mind control. He needs to get out of here, he needs to tell… But of course it doesn’t matter. Because he’s shackled to the wall across from the fucking Winter Soldier, deep within who knows where surrounded by who knows how many HYDRA goons, and he hasn’t eaten for...how many days now? Even if he could get to his bow, he’s not sure he’d have the strength to draw it.In other words, he’s well and truly fucked. Word Count: 5970

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Title: Aria in B♭ - Chapter 9 Collaborator: tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: I3 - Disability Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Historical, opera singer Bucky Barnes, nobleman Tony Stark, Prostitution, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Dubious Consent, Pining, Dueling, Gambling Summary: Lord Stark has his faults -- a bit too fond of a drink, a little too reckless at cards, and entirely too happy to flout his good fortune in his rivals’ faces. But a man as wealthy and powerful as Tony Stark is bound to have a few peccadillos. What he is not, is the sort of man who would force himself upon another unwilling, unlike Lord Killian, who seems to have taken a particular shine to an opera singer in the troupe Killian is hosting. Tony rescues Mr. Barnes from Killian’s untender mercies, moves the troupe into his own home, and takes Mr. Barnes as his bed companion for the season. The arrangement provides protection for Bucky and the troupe from Killian’s spite, and tweaks Killian at the same time -- a win all around, as far as Tony is concerned. He wasn’t counting on Bucky being so utterly charming and wonderful, or for the possibility that he might actually, after so many years a bachelor, fall in love. Word Count:31,979

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Title: [Art] Bingo Clusterfuck - Chapter 11: come on with it, come on Collaborator: call-me-kayyyyy Link: AO3 Square Filled: B5 - Kink: Vibes in Public Ship: Stucky Rating: Explicit Major Tags: art, semi-public sex, bottom bucky, top steve, fun-ishment Summary: Steve was done. He was absolutely sick and tired of Bucky riling him up on purpose in front of their tower-mates. Bucky loved making him blush with dirty comments during Avenger's meetings. Flustering him by "accidentally" brushing against his crotch in the community kitchen. Steve had had enough and it was time to teach Bucky a lesson. He sees his moment while their making out like teenagers in front of the big open windows in their apartment. "You like everyone watching Buck? You like it when I get all flushed and hard in front of our friends?" Bucky whined and kissed Steve harder. "Well lets see how you like it, huh sweetie? I'm gonna take you apart, right here where anyone can watch," he growled into Bucky's ear. "Rub your sweet spot till you beg for my cock. Let all of New York see how much you love being on all fours for me." Bucky was gonna learn his lesson alright, maybe twice.

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Title: Dog Days of Summer Collaborator: hddnone Link: Tumblr Square Filled:  K5 - “Oh, hell no” Ship: WinterIron Rating: Mature Major Tags: temperature play with ice Summary: Summer was the worst season to have a metal arm.Fortunately Bucky had a boyfriend who would fix that for him. Word Count: 997

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Title: something like home Collaborator: nightwideopen Link: AO3 Square Filled: C4 - Canon Divergence Ship: WinterHawk Rating: Not Rated Major Tags: Graphic description of injury, mentions of brainwashing Summary: After the fall of the Triskelion, Clint retreats to his last refuge, the farm house in Iowa that he grew up in. On the way there, he finds an injured dog on the road leading to the Barton farm. Spoiler alert: it's not a dog.It's Bucky Barnes. Word Count: 13,048

[timeoutforthee]

Like it or Not-Chapter 22

Taglist: @itsausernamenotafobsong, @sea-blue-child, @iaminmultiplefandoms, @princeanxious, @uwillbeefoundtonight, @zaidiashipper, @arandompasserby, @levyredfox3, @falsett0, @error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong, @scrapbookofsketches, @podcastsandcoffee, @helloisthisusernametaken, @amuthefunperson, @michealawithana, @yamihatarou, @heck-im-lost, @unlikelynightmareconnoisseur, @idkaurl, @bubblycricket, @fnp-alizay, @neonbluetiefling, @comicsimpson, @a-little-bit-of-ace

Summary: Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil are all struggling in their recovery. Their doctors, Thomas Sanders and Emile Picani think they can help each other out.

Aka Group Therapy AU

Trigger Warnings:  disordered eating habits, general ignorance, parent/child fighting

Read it on AO3!

“Oh, Jesus Christ, not this again,” Logan heard from the doorway.

He turned. “Hi, Dad.”

“Logan, are you cutting your food again?”

Logan looks down at his grape, evenly divided into four pieces. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because…,” because I need to control my food somehow, “Because I need to.”

“You need to?”

“Yes.” Logan says, simply, turning back to his grape.

“People need air. They need water. They need food-”

“Yes,” Logan says, immediately latching on to that, “And this is the way I need to eat my food, ergo, I didn’t misspeak.”

His dad doesn’t say anything for a while, so Logan turns back to his grape, trying to focus on it. His goal this week was to eat a variety of foods, namely a grape, a strawberry, and an apple. This was the first step.

“You realize it’s stupid, right?”

Logan pauses with the piece of grape halfway to his mouth. “What?”

“I mean, you’re a smart kid, Logan, you have to realize that cutting your food the way you do is pointless, a waste of time?”

That almost sets Logan off. You’re a smart man, he thinks, why can’t realize it doesn’t matter how I’m eating as long as I’m eating?

“It’s not pointless to me,” he says, throwing the grape in before he can change his mind. For something that’s barely there, it sits oddly heavy on his tongue.

His dad sighs and heads down the hallway. Logan can hear him tell his mom “He’s doing it again,” before the door shuts and he’s blocked out.

Logan is used to being alone, is used to the familiar chill in the air. But every once in a while, that chill goes down into his veins and he’s not alone, he’s lonely.

The three pieces of grape stare back up at him, laughing. Normal people can eat a whole grape all at once. Normal people don’t have to fight with their parents over useless things. Normal people ate fruit without worrying about whether they were healthy.

Logan was positive he could do this thirty minutes ago. Now it seemed next to impossible.

Now, a voice in his head said, would be a good time to reach out.

No, Logan thought back, I’m not in crisis.

But you’re lonely, the voice said, and you’re struggling to eat. You’re heading to crisis, you need to do something before you get there.

Logan blinks, dumbfounded. Maybe these psychology classes were benefitting him, after all.

He pulls his phone out of his jeans’ pocket. His inbox is empty, as it always is, but this time it causes a weird twist in his heart. He tries to ignore it as he scrolls to Patton’s number. It’s only then that he realizes he has no idea what to do. Does he talk to him like normal? Does he say he needs help? Does he need help?

He stares at the phone for a while, almost putting it away when he hears shouting coming from his parents’ room. He can’t make out what they’re saying, but if he had to guess, it was still about him.

Hello, Patton, this is Logan he types out. Then, without giving himself time to second guess, he sends it.

He gets up and walks over to his grape, allowing himself to have a second piece. Then his pocket buzzes.

Hey Logan! How are you?

He finds himself staring at the phone again. Is this the part where he opens up? Does he tell Patton that he’s struggling to eat? He had the second piece, so is he struggling? Does he carry on conversation normally? He must have been staring a little longer than he intended, because the phone buzzes again.

Everything okay?

My parents are fighting, Logan types out, before he can stop himself, That’s all.

Aw, I’m sorry, Lo :(, Patton responds. Do you wanna talk about it?

I don’t know, Logan types, honestly. I’m not even sure why they’re fighting. Logan pauses, then continues. But I think it’s about me.

About you? Why would they be arguing about you?

My dad...has issues with my eating. Logan pauses, but pushes himself to continue, I know it’s illogical, but sometimes I cut my food really small. To try and get the least amount of calories. To try and control my intake somehow. I think Thomas and I are going to work on it eventually, but right now I feel like as long as I’m eating, it doesn’t matter how. My dad has different ideas. He thinks it’s weird.

You’re right, Patton responds immediately, It doesn’t matter how weird your habits are as long as you’re eating. And your dad shouldn’t care about that. I’m sorry he does.

I just don’t understand why it matters. Logan sighs. He goes back to his grape and eats another piece. One more.

What does your mom think about it?

I don’t know. I can hear them yelling, but I can’t hear what they’re saying. But I don’t think she’ll be happy about it.

Why?

Logan stares at the phone for a while. Well, if he’s going to do this open and honest healing thing, might as well go all in.

I don’t think they’re very happy with anything I do lately.

^

Patton stares at the phone. He wants to be caring and not too harsh, but he also doesn’t want to leave too much time in between texts, so he finally settles on

Are you happy with what you’re doing lately?

No

Patton’s stomach drops, but Logan isn’t done typing.

I think I could be, eventually, which is more than I thought last year or even a few months ago. And I think the decisions I’m making, like going to therapy and group therapy and taking Psychology, they’re all contributing to that. But they don’t understand that. They think I’m just messing around.

Patton breathes a sigh of relief, then he starts typing.

I think that’s the most important thing for you to remember, that these decisions are for YOUR happiness, because you’re the one who has to live with them, not your parents. And also, I’ve known you for a few months, and I know you don’t take these sorts of decisions lightly, as your parents, they should definitely know by now.

Patton waits for the next message. He sees Logan begin to type over and over again.

Okay. That is...helpful, Patton. Thank you for listening.

No problem! I’ll be here any time you need me!

Also, Patton?

Yeah?

I ate a grape.

!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D !!!!!!!!!!!

Logan I’m so proud of you!!!!!!!!!

Yes, well. I am too, I think. It took me long enough, and caused all this, but I did it.

Hey now, none of that >:( It was challenging for you and you rose to the challenge and YOU SHOULD BE PROUD!!!!

Okay. I am proud.

You better be.

Patton and Logan say goodbye just as there’s a knock on Patton’s door.

“Come in,” he says, and his mom enters.

“Is your friend okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine, he was just having trouble with his parents,” Patton sighs.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“It’s just...everyone in group is doing so great and they’re rising to all these challenges, and I just feel like I fall short.”

“You’re not falling short,” Paisley says, adamantly, “You’re doing great, and I’m sure they would say the same thing.”

Patton snickers, humorlessly. Paisley raises her eyebrows, waiting.

“I...haven’t been the most honest person,” Patton admits, “And I think if I told them they would all be disappointed.”

They sit in silence for a while, before Paisley says, “Well...there’s a way to find out.”

“I know,” Patton closes his eyes, “I know. And I’m going to tell them this week. I am. I just...it’s going to hurt, you know?”

“It might not,” Paisley says, smoothing Patton’s hair back out of his face, “They’ll still support you, I’m sure.” Patton looks skeptical, “Dr. Sanders has to, at least, that’s his job.”

“Yeah, but it was nice having friends,” Patton says without thinking. He immediately regrets when he sees his mom’s face fall. “I’m so-”

“No, don’t apologize, it’s fine,” Paisley says. “It just...hurts. To see you in so much pain.”

“I’m fine,” Patton lies.

“Mmmhmm,” Paisley says, unconvinced. “So what is this thing you’ve been lying about?”

Patton’s face goes pale and his mom kisses his forehead.

“It’s okay, sweetheart, you don’t have to tell me-”

“I’m still purging.”

She pauses, staring at her son with her mouth open. She...never expected a confession.

“I’m sorry,” Patton says, immediately, “But I just couldn’t stop, but Thomas has come up with some new resources and skills-”

Before he can finish, he’s pulled into a hug.

“Oh, honey,” she says as he hugs her back. “I knew.”

“You knew?!” He tries to pull back in shock but she’s not letting go that easily.

“Of course I did,” she almost smiles. Almost, “Mother’s intuition. And I could hear you sneak down at night.” She finally lets him go, and holds him at arm’s length, “But guess what? I still love you. And I’m sure your friends will, too.”

Patton smiles, albeit shakily, “I sure hope so.”

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

...well... I have news. Kind of scary news. But good news.

Long story short, I have an opportunity to move out. On my own. I don’t know where yet, but... the program lets me choose, as long as it’s under a certain rent amount. I have a decision to make.

I Got Accepted into the Housing Assistance program, and once I find a place to live, I’m going to have help with rent and utilities.

A lot of things had to come together to make this happen; this wasn’t just something I could’ve applied for and gotten at any time, like food stamps or medical. I was on a waiting list for a year (some people wait for THREE years-- my name got Randomly Selected to make this happen! Or, as I see it: The universe was like, “It’s your time.”)

I have 6 months to find a place, or I start all over, back on the waiting list.

I’m a little afraid, because I’m not making enough money right now to feel Totally Financially Secure if I do move out. But I’m investigating resources to help out, and there are... a lot of resources. My mother offered to help me with things like paper products and food. I’m already enrolled in a food bank, though that particular one is hard to get to on the bus... ;;; But if I get a bike, that won’t be such a problem.

That’s another concern, getting around. I’d have to find a place on a bus route, that lets me access downtown easily because I’m in the midst of a job search, and if you need to get anywhere that’s not On Your Own Bus Route, you have to be able to get downtown to catch a transfer.

So there are all these factors, these worries, these legitimate concerns. Things to consider.

But I also feel like... I need to move out. That night, when there was no one else home, and it was just me and the animals... I felt so unburdened, so unafraid, so free. 

Even today, things like the Phobia Triggering Event and Anxiety Attack that Ensued: I didn’t want anyone to know, anyone to hear what was happening, because I never know if I’m going to get the Nice Gentle Huggy Stepmom, or the Mean Angry Accusative Screaming Name-Calling “I don’t care how sick and hurting you are, you’re pathetic and selfish for staying home from work” stepmom. She has always used me as an outlet for her anger and frustration at things that have NOTHING to do with me. (By her own admission! Not in so few words, but she always called it “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. Even for things that shouldn’t have been a “straw” at all.... like, you know... suffering. Having vulnerability. Having an Emotion. Being human.)

Not to mention, the empathy. I’d gotten used to it again, forgotten how heavy it was to carry. Maybe, when I’m not constantly weighed down by the depression and anxiety of self-enabling family members who refuse to accept, confront, and combat it, maybe I’ll even be able to handle my own depression better, too.

Everything I said in this post still holds absolutely true: https://beyondthetemples-ooc.tumblr.com/post/187698373222/im-home-alone-the-parents-are-away-for-the

I can only get assistance with a 1-bedroom apartment, or a 2-bedroom if it falls under the price allowance (which, in a halfway decent neighborhood around here, is... unlikely). But what more do I need, really? Hell, I could make do with a studio apartment! I could use my bookshelves to section off areas for meditation. And wouldn’t that be so precious, such a relief, to have a space for meditation again...

I think I already have everything I need to move out. Bookshelves. Pots and pans, silverware and mugs. Cleaning supplies that are safe for me and the pets. Not to mention, a veritable fuck ton of books to make the place really feel like home.

maybe i should invest in a toilet plunger. but aside from that...

The only question would be whether the place comes with a stove and refrigerator... but most of them do, and even if they don’t, I can get by with a mini-fridge and a microwave. (I hardly have the energy to Properly Cook lately, anyways... but, again: Maybe if I’m not constantly in Survival Mode for PTSD and empathy alike, maybe I’ll? Actually Have More Energy???)

And the job search. I know there’s a better-paying job out there, available to me, it’s just a matter of FINDING it! (And maybe, it won’t even require three 12-hour shifts a week! How wonderful would THAT be?! Maybe, I’ll be able to... SIT DOWN! And maybe I’ll even be able to... utilize my skills? Gasp?!)

The hospital cafeteria job is still on the table, I’m just waiting for them to call me back... again. (They said they WOULD, again, but if it reaches the two weeks mark again, I’ll be calling again. I interviewed almost a month ago, I think I should’ve heard back from them by now...) It would pay $14/hour, I’m just REALLY hoping it goes through! Because that would be such a blessing, such a help, such a great thing for me!

And, when I got caught up in doubt and fear last night, I opened my book to a chapter with the tagline “letting go of the need for certainty”...

Signs from the Universe All Around, I guess.

(Now I just have to work up the courage to actually LOOK, and trust that the place I find won’t have bedbugs or fleas. 8P )

[fivewrites]

That’s Not How Child Abuse Works: Todoroki Enji Edition

Let’s talk about character design and child abuse in BNHA.

Let me be clear: Enji Todoroki is a bad person. Full stop. This is not a defense of him, or an excuse of his behaviours in any way. This is, however, an examination of the specific ways in which he is a bad person, and why I feel a fair portion of the fandom gets him and his relationship with Shoto Todoroki wrong.

So, who is Enji Todoroki?

Trigger warning for discussions of physical, emotional and sexual abuse, as well as domestic violence under the cut

Also, spoilers

Alright, let me start off with a preface. It should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. This is not a strict do-and-do-not of writing. No one is stopping you from writing whatever you want. If you want to write rape as a plot device or cheap shock-value characterization for your villain, I literally cannot stop you. No one can stop you. Go ahead. 

As well, this post contains hypothesis and conjecture that are not proven as fact by the canonical text, but may or may not be inferred through examination. In no way am I trying to state that my assumptions or suggestions are true or canonical, they are merely that - suggestions on how to write realistic portrayals of familial abuse.

Thirdly, there is a very good resource out there for examining abusers. I have found the text Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft invaluable to understanding the patterns of abuse. You can read the whole PDF for free here.

Have fun and be creative, pals.

From what we know of the story, Enji Todoroki is the #2 hero in the world, and has been for quite some time. He is deeply jealous and insecure about this. About the fact that he has never, and probably will never take the number one spot away from All Might. And so, at some point in his life, Enji came up with a plan. He was going to have a son who would do it for him.

Flash forward a bit; Enji paid off the family of Shoto’s mother in order to marry her and have access to her quirk. He was going to produce what would be, in his mind, a perfect heir. (This is bad. He is a bad person for doing this. Full stop.) Enji had several children before Shoto, whom he considers to be “failures” and presumably has little to no relationship with them. However, Shoto’s mother was eventually able to bear a child hybridized with both their powerful quirks. Happy with the result, Enji has since taken it upon himself to form Shoto into his perfect heir.

Enji has done this through abusive means of control and dominance, and in doing so has created a highly toxic relationship between himself, his wife and his son. Much of the problems in the Todoroki household are because of Enji’s actions. He is an abuser. But what kind of abuser he is is not random, and the abusive acts he performs are not random, either.

So who is Enji Todoroki?

Simply put, he’s a Stage Mom. He’s an asshole, abusive, controlling stage mom who treats his son more like a Pokemon than a person.

He is the kind of parent that will drag Shoto out of bed for practice, force him to eat and study, control every minute of his schedule and make sure this kid is going to become, by any means necessary, the man he could never be. That is Enji’s logic. He wants Shoto to succeed where he failed, by any means necessary. 

However, Enji has a logical plan for his son. All of his abusive actions have a purpose. He’s not going to meet his desired goals by harming Shoto to the point of total physical and emotional destruction. He would only be sabotaging himself.

What does Enji Todoroki want?

Power - Enji wants to be the number one hero instead of All Might. Barring that, he wants his son to be #1 in his stead Respect - from his family, and the general public, Enji wants to be seen in a positive light Control - Enji wants to be in control of himself, his family, his work and his destiny Legacy - Enji wants to extend his power beyond just himself, into his children so they continue projecting his power even after he dies

What is Enji Todoroki afraid of?

Losing power - physically and professionally, Enji cannot handle being seen as a weak man, or have Shoto be seen as a weak son. Losing respect - Enji needs his family and the public to treat him as the man he sees himself as Losing control - Enji cannot allow his son or anyone else to disobey him and prevent him from realizing his goals Losing legacy - If Shoto does not become who he wants, Enji will have wasted a huge portion of his life and resources on a failed project

Enji, being a logical and sane* person is going to pursue actions that lead him towards his desired goals. He is also going to avoid actions that will cause him to lose his desired goals.

(*Sane in this case simply meaning “capable of rational thought”. Not moral or ethical thought. Sane people can choose to lie, steal, murder, rape, etc. They are deliberately choosing bad choices, but they are still sane.)

At this point, I would also highly recommend reading the section in Bancroft’s book on the types of abusers in chapter 4, page 219. You can decide for yourself which one (or several) Enji fits under.

Knowing Enji’s goals and mindset, here are a few common tropes I see in Todoroki fic and why I feel they’re not all that logically plausible

Enji beats Shoto within an inch of his life

Simply put, Enji has no reason to do this. Enji sees his son as an extension of himself and his own accomplishments. Shoto is, to him, a prize pig. Physically brutalizing Shoto would be Enji brutalizing himself.

Remember, Enji has an image that he wants to project to the outside world. He is a public figure. A celebrity. He wants the public to see him, and by extension his family, as powerful, united, untouchable and also a traditionally conservative Japanese family. 

The media and public would likely become suspect of Enji’s power and likability if they saw his son consistently covered in bruises. Or worse (for Enji) they might assume that Shoto has been losing a bunch of fights and is a weak hero. Enji absolutely would not want the world to think this, and would not let his perfect son be seen as weak or defeated.

While it is reasonable to assume that Enji might use corporal punishment for misbehaviour, there is no reason to assume that he assaults Shoto to the point of hospitalization or death.

It is also reasonable to assume that Enji overtrains Shoto, and pushes him beyond his physical limits in pursuit of shaping him into the perfect warrior. We saw him train Shoto until he vomits as a child. However, this still follows Enji’s logical purpose of making him “better”. It is unlikely that he would physically attack Shoto for frivolous reasons, like his own amusement or anger. It would undercut his goal of turning Shoto into a miniature version of himself.

Enji starves Shoto

Again, there is no reason for Enji to do this. He wants to project to the world that he is strong, and by extension, his family is strong. Starving Shoto would seriously harm Enji’s plans for him.

Shoto would struggle physically and mentally in school, and Enji wants a top performer

Shoto wouldn’t develop properly physically, and Enji wants a big, strong son to prove he is a big, strong father

Enji wants to project to the world that he is powerful and in control. If the public saw Shoto as small and shrimpy, they would seriously question his strength and authority as a patriarch. What, this powerful man is so broke he can’t afford food for his son?

Now, as an asshole stage mom who tries to control his son’s life, it would probably make more sense to put Shoto on an extreme health food diet in order to improve his performance. But outright starvation? It doesn’t make sense.

Besides. Have you seen this 5’9” 155-pounds-of-muscle kid? He is not starving.

Enji locks Shoto in his room for extended periods

Maybe when Shoto was younger and misbehaved? It’s not an unlikely punishment by an abusive parent, especially for a younger child, but Shoto is a teenager now. And, as we can see in the current story, Shoto has fairly free movement, both inside the household and out. 

He regularly visits his mother in the hospital, is out long after dark in the hideout raid arc, and basically goes wherever he wants whenever he wants. At 15, Shoto isn’t being locked up anywhere by his father. He is a dutiful and obedient son and Enji doesn’t seem to worry about him running away from home.

Another point to consider is that a lot of this freedom is still predicated on Shoto’s conditional obedience to Enji overall. Enji allows Shoto freedom because he believes that Shoto is following in his footsteps, even if he deems his son “rebellious” at times. If Enji decided that Shoto was at risk of running away or betraying him, his punishments may become much more severe.

See: Why He Stays section below

This is also why Shoto’s rebellious compromise in the first two seasons is an incredibly clever survival mechanism. He is, technically, still following his father’s plan for him. However, by choosing to ignore his fire side, he is still disobeying his father. But his father cannot reasonably punish him for that since Shoto is still a top-ranking student and a powerful quirk user overall. It’s a brilliant power-play when all the power rests in Enji’s hands.

Enji verbally abuses Shoto to make him feel bad about himself

Yes and No? It’s likely that Enji does say a lot of really terrible things to his son. The way he speaks in the manga and anime suggest a man who has very little respect for those he considers to be beneath him, and only begruding respect for those who are above him.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Enji insults or even threatens Shoto. But he does it for a purpose. As stated above, Enji wants to maintain control and power, and to continue his legacy through Shoto.

He doesn’t want Shoto to feel weak or degraded or to become a pushover in life. He wants Shoto to become strong and impenetrable, a perfect recreation of toxic masculinity. If Shoto were to break down crying from insults, Enji would have failed in creating Shoto into someone who is hard and emotionless. Therefore extreme verbal abuse to the point where Shoto is crying is less likely than just casual bullying.

Shoto is untouchable and has never, ever been touched or hugged

His mother loved him. When Shoto was a young child, we see her in the anime hugging and cuddling her son. So that’s out.

In the present, Shoto lives with other people than just his father. In the anime, we see that Fuyumi still lives at home, and cares about what Shoto does, as shown when he goes to visit his mother in the hospital. I find it highly unlikely that siblings in a reasonably amicable relationship never, ever hug, even if they are generally busy in their separate lives.

It is unclear if Shoto still lives with his brothers, or the older woman who was taking care of them in the flashback panel of the manga, but again, it would be stange if these people, who are presumably not abusive, never, ever touched Shoto in any affectionate way ever. Shoto isn’t cursed.

While it is reasonable to assume that Enji is an old-school patriarch who doesn’t show much, if any, physical affection to his son, he still gives him some attention, and provides Shoto with everything he needs to be a successful hero. (whether Shoto wants to follow this path or not is another story. Fortunately, Shoto does)

Enji likely still trains with Shoto, sparring with him and showing him fighting technique. He may not hug his son, but he doesn’t ignore him. He might even pat him on the back if Shoto does something that Enji approves of, such as boosting the family profile in public. 

We saw at the sports festival how proud Enji was of Shoto using his fire half. Yes, it was a selfish pride, and Enji was really more congratulating himself than his son, but we saw that Enji doesn’t just hate Shoto for the sake of it. 

Is Shoto touch-starved? Possibly. He has probably seen less physical affection than someone with loving parents like Izuku or Ochako, but I doubt it is so extreme to the point of him breaking down into tears because he’s never had a tender hug.

Any form of sexual abuse

No. Look, I get it, Enji is an asshole and we hate him. I won’t deny this. But you can be an asshole and not be a child molester. And it is, quite frankly, lazy writing to take a character whom you want to show is an Evil Bastard™ and just write him off as “child rapist”. Because that’s not who Enji is. Enji Todoroki is a lot of things. He’s a bad person. But he is not someone who molests his own son.

Now, if you want to talk about marital rape, there is certainly enough evidence to believe that Enji’s relationship with Shoto’s mother was non-consensual, and probably violent. I will not argue this point. But Enji feeling entitled to women’s bodies and using Shoto’s mother to produce the perfect child still doesn’t make him a child molestor. These are two very separate forms of Evil Bastardry.

Enji’s pattern of abuse follows a logical train of thought. It’s not ethical, and it’s not kind, but it does make logical sense for his character. What doesn’t make sense is him trying to create a perfect superhero offspring, and then seriously damaging that child with sexual abuse. That’s not Enji’s purpose or plan. Enji used Shoto’s mother to produce Shoto. He has no reason to attack Shoto in this way, beyond “hurr hurr I’m evil”. It would sabotage Shoto’s chances at becoming the national hero that Enji desires

Ways to accurately examine and portray the abuse that happens in the Todoroki household

Because, absolutely, there is abuse. And it is serious. Just because Shoto isn’t being locked up or starved or beaten doesn’t mean he is not being abused or hasn’t been abused in the past. But the abuse needs to follow Enji’s logical train of thought. He has a very specific goal in mind, and he is willing to do anything to accomplish that goal, even if it means everyone in his life suffering for it.

This following section contains my own opinions regarding portrayal of domestic abuse and violence. It is not a set of must-follow rules, merely suggestions based on personal and professional experience.

Physical abuse

Physical striking as a form of specific discipline for misbehaviour make sense, but not random, extreme violence

Enji wants Shoto to be obedient, but also strong. He would not be not above using violence to control his son, but it would need to be in connection to direct misbehaviour, and relative to the infraction Shoto has committed.

Abusers, despite what they claim, generally do not “lose it” or not understand their own strength. They know what they are doing and how hard they can hit. A professional fighter like Enji especially knows how hard he can hit a person and what damage he can cause. Any damage done to Shoto would be deliberate, and Enji would have to deal with the consequences of extreme violence.

Shoto cannot continue to train under Enji if he is constantly dealing with serious injuries and needing hospitalization to recover.

Overtraining Shoto and ignoring his physical and verbal needs for rest

This is actually more emotional and psychological abuse than physical, because it shows Enji cares about his own trajectory for Shoto more than Shoto himself. 

And again, the physical abuse needs to follow the logical sense of making Shoto better in Enji’s eyes. For example, he’s not going to make Shoto scrub all the floors in their house, because he takes pride in his creation and likely believes Shoto would be above such menial tasks.

Controlling Shoto’s diet

While I don’t think it’s logical for Enji to starve Shoto, It would be more reasonable for him to develop Orthorexia, a condition similar to anorexia where someone is obsessed with health and purity of foods. He would make sure Shoto is eating entirely healthy food that he approves of, while prohibiting anything he sees as unhealthy, like sugar or candy.

Controlling Shoto’s rest schedule

Same with food, in his household, Enji probably controls when Shoto trains and sleeps. However, by 15, Shoto is probably used to this and sees it as completely normal and not abusive. Human beings are amazing at normalizing the worst things.

Controlling Shoto’s study and free time

In order to min/max his Pokemon son’s fighting stats, Enji probably wouldn’t let Shoto waste his time with things children do like “hobbies” or “fun”.

Not allowing him to play with his siblings

Not allowing him to play with friends outside the family

Not allowing him to pursue anything that isn’t about becoming a hero, such as art or video games. Part of Shoto’s awkwardness is likely because he’s not terribly up to speed with pop culture references, seeing as how he likely has very little time to consume these things that Enji would see as frivolous

Using any and all free time Shoto has to train him into becoming a hero

Verbal Abuse

When abusers use their words, they use them very specifically. While they may make excuses like “I didn’t mean it” or “I didn’t know what I was saying at the time” this is a lie. They know what they are saying and they know why it hurts. They specifically want to instill fear or shame in their target in order to keep control over them. When giving Enji Todoroki dialogue, it is important to remember what his (fucked up) goals and values are, and how he is trying to achieve those (fucked up) goals and values.

Instead of just calling Shoto names randomly, Enji would likely make everything about himself.

“You’re no son of mine”

“Why can’t you be more like me?”

“You’re my son, Shoto, act like it.”

Enji would likely try to shape Shoto’s world view to be extremely similar to his own, giving Shoto biased information, no matter its accuracy

“Your mother was a weak woman who didn’t raise you correctly”

“All Might is a fool and you’d be a fool to admire him”

“Those kids at school are just trying to drag you down. Don’t spend time with them.”

Praise and affection would be given in relation to how Enji personally feels and how Shoto is living up to his father’s demands

“You’re becoming the man I knew you could be”

“I’ve worked so hard to create you”

“You’re strong, like me”

Psychological Abuse

This is probably the biggest factor in Enji’s abuse, far more than anything physical he does to Shoto. And while writers may think physical acts such as beating and starvation make for good story, I would argue that these more subtle acts in the relationship are more realistic, and can prove far more damaging in the long run.

Enji treats Shoto like an object, not a person.

This is the biggest single factor of abuse, and is the core of their relationship’s toxicity. Enji does not see Shoto as his own person with his own thoughts, opinions or desires. He sees Shoto as a miniature extension of himself that he can use and control in order to be more successful as a hero, and eventually take the number one spot from All Might.

Enji does not allow Shoto the freedom to grow and develop as his own person, and pursue any interests beyond those interests of himself.

Enji only supports his son’s confidence in relation to him becoming a hero.

Shoto has been denied a normal childhood and normal development in pursuit of his father’s goals

Shoto can see his friends at school hang out and talk and laugh and watch movies and play video games and be kids. Shoto was likely not allowed to do any of that and he can feel incredibly isolated, lonely and bitter about not being able to relate to his peers

Shoto can have confidence issues, even when he is #1

Enji has built a kind of fragile confidence in Shoto. He needs his son to be #1 all the time. #2 just isn’t good enough. Many child prodigies have spoken out about how parental pressure crushed their self-esteem and destroyed whatever passion they had for their chosen subject (art, music, dance, sports, being a hero)

Being raised in an environment of constant pressure and criticism can lead a person to develop a highly critical self-image and OCD tendencies. They constantly feel “never good enough” because to the parent they looked up to, they never were. There was always something that needed improvement.

Enji is living through his child

Because Shoto has been denied his own childhood, he is being used, physically and psychologically, by his father as a way to live out his own unfulfilled dreams of success. This is incredibly damaging for Shoto because he cannot feel like a whole person in and of himself. Children who are used b their parents in this way often feel like a kind of mask that the parent wears, rather than a child who is loved and nurtured.

Children who are used by their parents also tend to have a poor or underdeveloped sense of self-image, and Shoto may have difficulty separating his own choices and desires from that of his father.

Unable to mature emotionally

Because Enji controls so much of his son’s life, Shoto is unable to grow emotionally and unable to make important decisions for himself, from picking out his own clothes, to saying no to peer pressure

Shoto will probably have difficulty forming intimate relationships (romantic or platonic) because he has very little reference of how to behave in a non-abusive way.

He may unconsciously replicate his father’s abusive behaviours with a partner

Even if Shoto can recognise abusive behaviours and not want to replicate them, he would struggle because he does not know what else to do

Potential psychological things Enji might do

Ignoring / Discouraging Shoto from pursuing anything Enji does not approve of

“Hey dad, look, I drew a bird!” “That’s nice son, how many criminals have you fought today?”

Forgetting important milestones like birthdays or good grades

Enji is self-absorbed with his own goals and does not take interest in his son’s personal life beyond how it would benefit him, personally. Shoto has grown up feeling like he owes his father and his family success and that a lot is riding on him to be the best. Shoto does not get a reward for getting perfect grades, he gets a “This is what I expect of you.”

Imbalance of power amongst siblings

One very common tactic amongs abusers is splitting the power dynamic of the household in order to maintain and control power for themselves

Abusers will often pick a “golden child” that they place all of their expectations upon, and then compare all other children to that child.

“Fuyumi, why can’t you be more like Shoto? He’s doing great and you’re doing terrible.”

This builds resentment between siblings and prevents them from allying with each other against the abuser.

It places the “golden child” in a difficult position of conditional acceptance between allying with the abusive parent, or allying with the rest of the family and risk losing their ascended position.

(See Azula from ATLA: Azula’s power came from the fact that she was “not a failure like Zuko” and saw favour in her father’s eyes only when compared to the child he did not like)

Refusing to acknowledge the relationship Shoto had with his mother, or misrepresenting it to the public

Enji knew that Shoto loved his mother, and saw her psychological breakdown / attack on Shoto as her own failing, and not related to his own abusive behaviour. Even when abusers absolutely know they are in the wrong, they do not take responsibility for their actions, and find ways to shift blame to someone or something else so that they are never forced to change their behaviour. This would build huge resentment in Shoto if his father never acknowledged that his mother’s breakdown was his fault

To the public, Enji still wants to project that powerful, traditional family ideal. He probably either didn’t say anything to the media and they don’t know that Shoto’s mother is gone, or he lied, making it again sound like her breakdown was some sort of freak accident and not a direct result of his abuse.

Why does he stay?

Why does any abuse survivor stay? Why not just run away and go live with Midoriya or Aizawa? The simple answer is, it’s safer to stay than to leave.

The truth about abuse is that there is no easy solution. There is no adoption rescue. Even calling the Japanese equivalent of child protective services is not an instant fix, and cases can take months, if not years to resolve.

For Shoto to be taken away from his family, Enji would have to prove he is unfit as a parent in the court of law. Unfortunately, courts very often side with the parent. If Enji is not starving, beating up or molesting his child, the court system would likely justify his custody of his child. Being a terrible asshole is not enough of a reason to be taken away from your parent, in a legal sense

If Shoto leaves, who becomes the target for blame?

In abusive relationships, there is often a protector, a sort of shock-absorber, who mediates the abuse. This may be the spouse / wife, or an older sibling protecting the younger ones. If Shoto leaves, his other siblings, including Fuyumi may be at much greater risk for Enji’s retribution. Abusers are often at heir most violent and unpredictable when their victim is trying to break away and leave

Shoto does not love his father, but he does grudgingly respect his skill

Shoto has his own goals. He wants to be a powerful hero, just as Midoriya and Bakugou do. And, in Shoto’s mind, his father is part of that goal. Shoto willingly chose his father’s agency to intern with, because he acknowledges that Enji is still an accomplished professional, even though his methods and attitude are shitty and abusive.

Is Shoto brainwashed / gaslit / controlled? Probably not insignificantly. If Shoto had been raised in a different environment, he may not feel compelled to apply to his father’s agency, but his choice shows that he is still actively attached to his family and not yet ready to leave.

Shoto may have an inheritance, or other resources at risk if he disobeys

Abusers often use financial control as a way of keeping their victims in line and unable to escape. If Shoto were to run away, he might very likely have no financial way to support himself, and may even have to drop out of an expensive school like UA, preventing him from achieving his goals of becoming a hero.

Enji has a lot of friends and resources

Enji, as a professional hero, has been working within the justice department for decades. He probably knows a lot of police officers, DAs, prosecutors, judges, etc. It is well known that cops are willing to commit crimes in order to protect one another within the system. If Enji’s son tries to accuse his father of child abuse, he is facing a hugely biased system where his father could influence or bribe the outcome. 

And as we know with his mother, Enji is not above corruption or bribery. Shoto is at great risk if he goes to the cops.

In Shoto’s case, the best solution in his mind seems to be to “bear it out” and wait until he comes of age in order to leave, rather that running away or getting the courts involved. This is not an uncommon strategy for many abused children. Whether or not it is the best one, no one can say. One can only hope that Shoto has the strength to make it through until he ages into legal adulthood and is able to move on from his abusive situation.

Other considerations: Dabi

If you a believe in the theory that Dabi is actually an older Todoroki child, there are other factors to take into consideration with Enji’s behaviour.

If Dabi was Enji’s first attempt at creating an heir, and Enji lost him, this means that Enji has already spent considerable time and resources on his plan to create the perfect son.

If he has already failed once, Enji might possibly not be as extremely harsh on Shoto if he believes that Shoto might run away or turn against him

Enji could see his failure with Dabi and try to correct his “mistakes” with the way he is raising Shoto.

Enji may still be in his prime, but not for long. He is aging, and probably doesn’t have much more chance for success to raise a child from birth if he is not successful with Shoto. Shoto is pretty much his final big investment, and after losing Dabi, Enji is going to take every precaution to make sure Shoto turns out the way he wants, for better or worse.

In conclusion

I feel like a stronger take on the abuse that Shoto survives is one that takes his father’s goals and neurosis into account, rather than just relying on the shock of extreme physical behaviour in order to draw empathy out of the reader. Shoto’s situation is bad, but it’s also sadly common and relatable in our world. Portraying Shoto’s abuse as more realistic is better writing than putting him in an easily solvable fantasy world here he is hit or molested and then adopted by a rescuer. 

Part of the reason I wrote this is because I see a lot of extreme examples of physical abuse in fiction and fanfiction, but few that go into or validate the subtleties of psychological abuse. Rather, these dangerous behaviours are often obscured or treated as tolerable or even romantic. I often walk away from a story feeling like the only “valid” abuse is that of the extreme kind.

But I want to press to readers and writers: subtle abuse is abuse. You don’t need to be beaten or starved or raped to be abused, to speak up, to pronounce that relationship as toxic and try your best to leave. It can be incredibly difficult, feeling trapped in a family that suffers from the generational trauma of abuse, and I can only give those of you who are living and surviving in these situations my deepest empathy and support.

http://www.thehotline.org/ https://ncadv.org/resources http://makeitourbusiness.ca/resources/internet-resources-for-domestic-violence

[sibilantly]

hi, sib. i sent you an ask about writing a while ago and you were super helpful, but i have found myself in yet another conundrum - i'm blocked. it took me some time to figure out why, and i'm pretty sure it's 'cause i'm supposed to be starting my mfa this fall and i'm just scared shitless. i'd really appreciate some advice on how to unblock the block. i just feel so useless right now. this nonsense in my head is honestly wearing me down.

You sent this several months ago, dear writing anon (as I now dub thee), and I’m terribly sorry I haven’t replied before now. RL got in the way of my online/fandom time again, but, more than that, I’ve been musing and reflecting on the situation you described, and I’ve only recently been able to marshall it all into semi-coherence. I assume you’ve started your MFA already (CONGRATULATIONS, BY THE WAY!), so all this navel-gazing and advice may be moot, but on the off-chance you’re still stymied, here’s my take and (for what it’s worth) my advice:

The thing about ‘writer’s block’ (air quotes), which you seem to have figured out already, is that it’s really emotional block. And the most common emotion is fear.

It’s not surprising, really, when you consider the fact that writing is both a craft and an art. (Well… alright, every art form is a combination of craft and art - of technical skill and vision - but we’re just going to focus on writing right now). And, just like every other art form, the very best writing requires self-expression. Think of your favourite authors, both published and in fandom. Could you ever mistake their writing for another author’s? I’m willing to bet my last dollar that your answer will be ‘no’.

However, self-expression also means baring yourself. It means producing a piece of writing that says, in effect, ‘this is what I think, this is what I feel - this is how I see the world, this is my perspective on this trope/theme/topic, this is me’, and putting it out there to be looked at and judged by strangers. Strangers who may then have all sorts of reactions and opinions - negative ones, even - about not just your work, but about you.

And for the vast majority of people (myself included), that is fucking terrifying on a visceral, lizard brain level. In prehistoric times (or… whenever… anthropology is not my strong suit), being rejected by others meant isolation, which in turn meant increased risk of starvation or death by megafauna. We’re not in prehistoric (or whatever) times anymore, but rejection and negative judgement still hurts and looms large in our psyches because… well, the lizard brain is a powerful motherfucker that has gotten our species this far. It’s like that douchebag in your social circle that you just can’t drop entirely because they’re handy/annoyingly right in certain situations.

Anyway.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is: take heart, writing anon. You’re in good and numerous company. This fear - this emotional block - you feel is common. It’s unbelievably common. I personally grapple with it every week. Like, literally every week. From a certain evolutionary perspective, you could even say the fear is reasonable (DEATH BY MEGAFAUNA).

…however, that perspective is severely unhelpful in motivating one to write, so let us acknowledge said perspective like it’s an acquaintance we’re on nodding terms with, and move on.

The fact of the matter is, we’re not in prehistoric-whatever times anymore. Rejection will not kill us, no matter what the lizard brain keeps shrieking. And while the lizard brain is powerful, it’s also primitively dumb. Which means we can trick it.

There is a reason why pretty much every notable book on the art and craft of writing will have a chapter or a section which says, essentially: half the battle is getting your arse in the chair.

It’s because, a great majority of the time, getting started really is the biggest hurdle. Once you’re actually slapping some words onto a page? It may be painful, it may present its own challenges, but it usually doesn’t require as much effort as just. Getting. Started.

As the number of days you spend not writing builds up, the act of writing - even the mere thought of it - becomes more and more psychologically loaded, more threatening to your sense of self. ‘YOU’RE GONNA BE REJECTED AND STARVE TO DEATH IN THE DESERT,’ says the lizard brain. The more rational part of your brain says, ‘You’ve spent all this time not writing. When you finally summon up the power to do so, by some act of God, it’s going to come out mediocre, at best, because you’re out of practice. Why bother?’

And, look– to be honest, rational brain will probably be right regarding your restart writing attempts coming out mediocre. But it’s wrong about it being pointless to start.

Because here is something else you should tell yourself: writing is not just the words you publish. It’s not even just the words you publish plus the words you wrote in draft and then killed because you realised they were darlings. It’s not even all those words and the time you spent brainstorming and outlining. It’s all those words plus that planning plus the emotional work you go through - in character and as yourself - to get those words and ideas out.

Don’t get down on yourself if you have only one hour to write and you spend fifty of those minutes psyching yourself up to write. Psyching yourself up to write is part of writing. You’re getting your arse in the chair.

So, sure, maybe on day one you’ll spend just ten minutes getting some words out. But on day two, when you sit down again, you’ll remember: I did this for ten minutes yesterday. I can do it again. It’s like a gradual stretching and strengthening of a muscle. You should– no, you need to take your time, because writing is a years-long (ideally, lifelong) journey. You’ll need to pace yourself accordingly.

I’m not saying it’s easy. I have spent years devising weird tricks, strategies, and schedules to fool my lizard brain into viewing the act of writing as non-threatening (and sometimes I still fail and will stop writing for a couple days). I know it’s not easy. But it’s doable - you just need to find the right set of tricks and strategies that will fool your lizard brain.

EVERYTHING THAT I, SIB, HAVE PERSONALLY DONE TO FOOL THE LIZARD BRAIN

1. Automate that shit - COME UP WITH A VERY, VERY SIMPLE PRE-WRITING ACTION

Okay, so at this point, you might be going, ‘Great, Sib, but how do I get myself to start?’

And I say: ‘Automate that shit’. You can make the initial action (usually the action that requires the most effort) more likely to happen by making it very, very simple.

For (a non-writing) example, I have a weird thing about dishes. I don’t like doing them. What I don’t mind doing, however, is clearing the dish rack. But what tends to happen is, once I’ve cleared the dish rack and find myself standing beside the sink, I think, ‘well, since I’m already here…’

That’s what you need to trigger with writing - that casual thought of, ‘well, since I’m already here…’. The point of the pre-writing action is to trick yourself (or, at least, your lizard brain) into perceiving writing as being so simple, so easy and non-threatening, it’d be almost silly to not do it. This is especially important if you haven’t written in so long that writing has come to resemble a nigh-insurmountable mountain or a time bomb strapped right against your heart and your sense of self-worth.

Even if you don’t do anything else that I suggest (seriously, you don’t have to, I’m just listing everything I’ve tried on the off-chance that it might work for you), I’d say this is the strategy to try. The whole point of it is that it should require almost no effort to perform. Why not do it?

My personal pre-writing action is fifteen minutes of free writing/journalling (‘I’m not writing, lizard brain, I’m just talking to myself’). You don’t have to do that. But whatever action you choose to go with, make sure it’s easy and flows on automatically to writing. The point isn’t to force yourself. If you’re forcing yourself, the action is too complicated. You’re removing the automaticity of the process, and the whole point is automaticity.

Examples of pre-writing actions you could do:

1. Sitting in your dedicated writing spot. Just sitting there. You don’t have to write. But since you’re already there…

2. Summarising the last scene/chapter you wrote. You don’t have to write anything new. But since you’ve already picked up that pen or typed out that sentence…

3. Making a cup of tea (or coffee or whatever) and thinking about your writing as it steeps. You don’t have to do anything with the idea you came up with. But since it’s already formed… ;)

I know it can be embarrassing to set your bar so ‘low’, because it feels like you’re admitting you’re incapable. But you’re not incapable. You’re just human. You have multiple responsibilities, coupled with limited time and limited resources, both physical and mental. You’re doing the best you can with the time, ability, and energy you have. No one can expect more of you than that. You, especially, should not expect more of yourself than that.

2. Grab a notebook or open a document, and DESCRIBE YOUR PROCRASTINATION BEHAVIOUR(S) IN SPECIFIC, OBSERVABLE TERMS. Don’t just say ‘I avoid writing’ - be specific (says Arthur).

For example, here are some things from my list:

I open up my WIP, stare at the cursor, and tap the page up/down/delete/backspace keys for thirty minutes

When my reminder alarm for writing goes off, I open up my WIP, then open tumblr in another browser

I do all the household chores when it’s time to write

3. Take that list of behaviours and WRITE DOWN AT LEAST ONE SPECIFIC, ACTIONABLE SOLUTION FOR EACH BEHAVIOUR. You may come up with more than one solution for each behaviour. It’s fine. Write all of them down.

Here is what I came up with for the above:

Staring at the cursor: 

Pull the page up/down and backspace keys off the keyboard (this didn’t work for me.)

 Free write for fifteen minutes before starting ‘real’ writing (which has, yes, become my pre-writing ritual. It works beautifully for me because, after 5-10 minutes, it tends to segue into ‘real writing’. As in, I’ll start off writing like I’m telling a friend about what should happen next in the story - complete with tangents and sentences full of ‘and then he’s like, you know, completely aghast’ - and then as I relax and get more into the story, I drift into draft prose and dialogue.)

Opening tumblr at the same time as my WIP:

Install Clear Focus on my phone and StayFocusd on all browsers, and put a strict limit on tumblr

Write longhand in a notebook and then transcribe (this is my go-to solution these days)

Doing household chores instead of writing:

Schedule writing time only after I finish all chores (this is a meh solution for me - I can always find new things to clean, if I’m really, really trying to avoid writing.)

Write one hour before bed/when exhausted (this is like the non-alcoholic version of the apocryphal Hemingway edict ‘write drunk, edit sober’. Exhaustion gives you all the benefits of writing without your conscious filter with none of the cirrhosis or other alcohol-related diseases!)

Stick these lists up wherever you tend to write. Now whenever you catch yourself engaging in one (or more) of these procrastination behaviours, you also have a solution (or solutions). Again, it will not necessarily be easy. But in knowing your bad habits and being prepared for them, you’re setting yourself up for a much better chance of success, and reducing the likelihood that you’ll slip down the procrastination shame spiral. The rest is the unglamorous process of trying, maybe failing, and then trying again.

4. On the cognition side of things, ASK YOURSELF: WHY DO YOU WANT TO WRITE?

Why, given all the frustration and fear and isolation (because writing is a bit of a lonely thing, at times), do you keep trying? Write every reason you have down, and be honest about it. No one is going to see this list but you.

The reason I suggest you do this is because there will be days (or weeks, or months) where it feels like all you’re doing is eking out paragraph after paragraph of dreck. It’ll feel awful. And if you don’t know why you’re writing - if you have no goal to set your sights upon, or no internal touchstone to remind you why you’re putting yourself through this - it’ll be so much more tempting to give up.

5. I’ve said this to you before, but I’ll say it again because if you’re anything like me (and I’m still riding on the assumption we’re at least a little alike, because every message you send me I’m like, ‘ah, man, yeah, I feel you, I feel you’), some advice requires repeating before it sinks in. Especially when the advice is unglamorous. So. SET YOURSELF A SMALL, ACHIEVABLE WRITING TARGET, be it a word count or a set amount of time each day.

And when I say small, I mean small. If writing 100 words a day feels uncomfortable, set your target at 50. If writing for one hour is exhausting, set your target at 30 minutes (or 15, like I did! :D).

ONE MORE THING

Writing requires discipline.

There is the discipline of sitting down and doing the work, every day, even if you’re not feeling it, of course. We’ve all heard that advice, and we’ve all (at some point or another) gotten royally pissed off at it.

But there is another sort of discipline, one that flows on from doing the work every day. In working through the fear, you teach yourself that these periods of mediocre writing or zero writing are temporary, just little halts in your overall writing journey. That’s a kind of discipline, too - training yourself to believe, heart and mind, that the fear will pass, and the words are always with you, even if they’re not coming out the way you want. It’s just going to take time. Be patient, and be kind to yourself (which I know can be hard).

You’re not useless. You’re not failing at anything by being afraid, because the fear - and learning to work through the fear - is as much a part of the writing process as getting the words down. And the value of writing for a writer is not in the finished result, not really. It’s in the act of creating, in being willing to start, to try. If you’re psyching yourself up to try, then hey. That’s half the battle already.

You can do it, anon! I’m still rooting for you!

(P.S.: You’re more than welcome to message me off anon using tumblr’s chat function

[invinciblerodent]

Cullen is triggering for me personally because he reminds me of this guy who stalked me and then convinced a portion of my friend group that he was actually a shy, good person when he still had some major issues. It's probably nonsensical but I can't help but think of him when I see Cullen; I played a female mage Warden and they both have curly, blonde hair. So I would really rather not have him in DA4. But death threats?? Death threats over a fictional character?? That's...oh man. Not good!

I’m sorry that happened to you. That person is/was utter garbage, and you didn’t deserve any of that happening to you. But, if you’ll allow me to expand on this a little bit, now that you’ve reminded me…

My homeroom teacher in primary school had a mantra that she said every time she was criticizing or scolding us for something, as a group, and it went like (in rough translation) “Whose shirt it is not, needs not put it on”. Meaning that if it doesn’t apply to you, if you aren’t the one responsible, the following is not directed at you, and you shouldn’t feel bad or like you’re targeted as well. She said that every single time, and to this day, even 15+ years later, it’s so ingrained in my head that it is my automatic response to messages such as yours.

You needn’t explain yourself. It’s perfectly okay. You can dislike something or be triggered by something, and you don’t owe me or anyone else a reason why. You don’t have to have an explanation ready, and I -and I’m pretty sure most other, decent people- never intend for you to have to unfold your whole life story and show us all your scars, just for us to believe you when you say that something is not for you. :)

(EDIT: of course, some contextual cues are to be taken into account, like if the reasons for one’s dislike are homophobic, sexist or racist [coughLIAMcough] then they should be examined, but those people are generally very defensive over it and raise points and flaws they themselves usually excuse on straight, white male characters… but that’s beside the point. Consider this a “some restrictions apply” asterisk.)

…. but yeah, I was talking mostly about how odd I found that more than a thousand people at this point would get so upset that they would scream bloody murder in the tags and immediately jump to conclusions and blame the developers, but still not upset enough to even try to check if their outrage is justified. That, that is the kind of person that I think only WANTS to be mad. And that coupled with a loose treatment of violent threats (and frankly very much entitled and biased expectations)… that’s the kind of person that makes my eyes roll so far back into my skull that I can pretty much see the wall behind me.

… And now that I’m at it, even without fact-checking it’s pretty much obvious that Cullen’s chances of returning as anything more than a character barely mentioned in conversation are very slim. (Please allow me this, I KNOW I have said this before but as long as these attitudes continue to prevail I’ll continue to repeat myself even if it makes me want to tear my hair out.)

I don’t remember the quote exactly, but I bring this up often: I THINK it was Laidlaw who once said that with returning characters, they try their best to eliminate uncertainties. Like, he said that if you didn’t complete Cole’s personal quest in Inquisition, then he won’t show up in Trespasser, because they would rather reward the players for the things they HAVE done, than to waste their time on content they don’t care about, and if a character has a chance to be dead, they would rather focus their efforts and resources on making content the majority of their players are likely to see. There are exceptions of course, such as Leliana, but most of the time, when a character has a chance to be dead, they are assumed dead in the main plot.

Since Leliana has a chance to be dead only if she was in the Warden’s party while they defiled the Urn of Sacred Ashes (and lbr the kind of person who would roll with Leliana is, imo, usually not ALSO the kind of person who would defile the Urn for personal gain), she had a good chance to return. But in Inquisition, Cullen’s main personal story arc revolved around the Big Choice that eventually decided whether he lived or died. And, fandom-wide consensus aside, if a choice HAS to be made knowingly, by every player, it’s only reasonable to assume a bigger division. Maybe not 50-50%, but I’m SURE that the number of those who kept Cullen on lyrium is greater than that of those who ended up having to kill Leliana in Origins, and didn’t roll back to a previous save to avoid it.

This is why I’m almost 100% certain that Dorian is going to return (there is no opportunity for him to die in the main narrative, and regardless of player choices, whether he was romanced or not even recruited, he IS invariably in Tevinter by the end). Same reason why I would be surprised if any of the DA2 characters or Zevran showed up, like people seem to want.

I mean. I’d like to see him return as much as the next person, but Zevran has the chance to die(?) both in his personal quest in Origins (depending on his approval which is more difficult to correct than just rolling back and choosing a different party member to come with you) and in a war table mission, and there is not even a tile in the Keep to confirm whether he survived Inquisition. Depending on whether people have even read all the mission statements AND made the correct choices, his chances of being alive or dead(?) are now close to 50-50%. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that the writers don’t really have anything else planned for him at this point.

And largely the same goes for everyone in DA2. Popular choices seem to be Fenris and Anders- there is a touch more uncertainty with Fenris since he has the chance to be in Tevinter as a slave, hiding, or killed by Hawke’s hand, but Anders (and Bull)… his death was based on ONE dialogue choice (that is deemed canon in the default worldstate), and Bull’s is decided by a choice that wasn’t prompted AS a life or death decision, but rather as a choice that’s as close to being gray as they get.

(Not to mention I have seen people wanting Alistair back, and to be frank I just do not know how many skins they still want to pull off that poor boy. He has had his fair share of near-death experiences, not to mention that 1.) in the default worldstate he’s king and even in Inquisition they seemed to be just about done with king!Alistair, and 2.) if he’s a warden his chances of being dead are about as close to 50-50% as one can get. He can be 1.) a despondent king, 2.) ten years dead, 3.) a living Warden that’s either a senior warden in Weisshaupt or exiled from Orlais and Maker knows where, 4.) two years dead, or 5.) a civilian who could have died in the Kirkwall uprising. If a character has a chance to be five different things, three of which involve them being dead, I don’t think they’re likely to be a major character.)

tl;dr, I wouldn’t worry about Cullen being back. I like the guy just fine, got no real problems with him, but his story has been rounded off pretty nicely, pretty cleanly, and there is logically little to no reason for him to return in DA4. Which is all the more reason why those people crying bloody murder over an obviously phony rumor putting him IN THE SPOTLIGHT of a game about which we can only reliably know that it’s going to exist sometime in the future… I feel like they’re little more than a stampede with Blinkers of Hate on, neighing their unfounded displeasure at the moon for no reason whatsoever.

Now, Scout Harding, I want back. She has enormous potential, as does Charter and Maevaris, both of whom would make EXCELLENT additions to the squad (a sapphic elven rogue and a transgender woman of immense magical AND political power, sign me tf UP). Sutherland is almost certain to make a cameo if he survived, too. But Cullen, Zevran, and Fenris, I feel like their chapters in the story are finished already.

now if there was a chance for Solas not to be back, that would be ideal. would save everyone a helluva lot of headaches.

Cheers.

[skyesentinels]

Voltron Youtubers AU Part 3

Part 1, Part 2, Part 4 As promised, here are the collabs for the Shallura channels!

On Allura’s channel:

Shiro appears on both of Allura’s channels

Allura loves to coordinate outfits for Shiro

Shiro is resigned to it. But he has this grin on his face in every video so everyone knows he loves it

They’ve also done a few videos on styling each other’s hair

Shiro’s little white tuft of hair does NOT look good curly

Shiro attempted to braid Allura’s hair badly as payback

He did not succeed. The video ended with a beautiful waterfall braid.

Jk he practiced for hours on Keith before recording so he could get it right

Shiro and Allura do Princess and Paladin roleplays on her ASMR channel

Shiro is a little TOO good at it

These roleplays are some of her most popular videos on her ASMR channel

Allura loves to collab with Shay, another up and coming ASMRtist

Their videos are usually spiritually oriented

Crystals are also a big thing in their videos because Shay is known for them on her channel

Allura tells Shay that she has a friend *wink* who collabs with her that would compliment her style

Shay already knows who she’s talking about and is subscribed to his channel

The fandom knows and now they ship Hunk and Shay

Hunk has only appeared on her ASMR channel so far

He’s got such a soothing tone that subscribers love him

He takes ordinary objects from his own videos to make the best trigger sounds

Videos with him are usually targeted for people with anxiety or nervousness

Allura says he should start his own ASMR channel or at least collab with other ASMRtists *wink*

Hunk declines saying he is an amatuer at this but he’ll consider it

He’s seen who Allura collabs with and is interested

Surprisingly Keith appears frequently on her fashion channel

He can pull together hauls and outfits from the weirdest of places

He and Allura always end up looking punk chic

There’s A LOT of flannel

Especially Keith’s iconic Red Flannel™

Allura has to beg for weeks but eventually Keith lets her style his hair

During the video she says multiple times how soft Keith’s hair is

She gives a Look to the camera every time

It’s for Lance. And he chokes on his drink when he watches the video because now he wants to know if Keith’s hair really is that soft

Pidge will never admit it but they love it when Allura styles their hair

But Allura finds it INFURIATING but also fun???

Because Pidge’s hair is just FLOOF and canNOT be tamed

Allura tries. She really does.

There has been ONE “success”

“There. It is done.”

“Uh, Allura? Is my hair supposed to feel like concrete?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Lance and Allura just leave the cameras on and see where it goes

Usually they end up talking about skin care or boys

Lance also braids hair (growing up with so many sisters made it so he learned quickly)

Lance and Allura are Bros but Lance can’t go one video without flirting

Allura plays along because she knows he doesn’t mean it

The fandom ships them as a BrOTP mostly

Because the Shallura and Klance ships are STRONG

They usually end up having sleepovers after recording collabs

Commence comparing beauty routines before bed

Coran is very enthusiastic to be on Allura’s channel

He’ll talk for hours about mustache wax if Allura didn’t stop him

She doesn’t and lets Coran have the spotlight

Allura wonders on camera what Shiro would look like with a mustache

Fanart appears on all of her and Shiro’s social media after that

Shiro is still confused to this day about all of the #DapperSpaceDad art that resurfaces in the fandom every three months

On Shiro’s channel:

Lance loves to collab with Shiro to do Q&As

Sometimes Lance gets a little too real but Shiro makes it better

Space Dad to the rescue

They talk LGBT+ topics because Lance is an Icon™

Shiro and Lance have resources for subscribers about every orientation/expression under the sun

Lance particularly likes to advertise the website GettingBi.com *fingerguns*

There are t-shirts. Lance has one.

Keith also does Q&As on Shiro’s channel

Shiro takes the opportunity to be the Embarrassing Big Brother

Keith retaliates in full

There’s A LOT of blackmail in these videos

Pidge and Lance take full advantage of it

One video ends very abruptly after Shiro asks if Keith has a crush on anyone

Viewers get one second of a violently blushing Keith before the video cuts

But seriously, they have great energy on camera

Subscribers have dubbed them the Broganes

Shiro loves it. Keith does too tolerates it.

Allura guest stars on the channel often and they do relationship advice

They have earned the title of YouTube’s #PowerCouple

And #SpaceParents. And #RelationshipGoals

Shiro posted a My Girlfriend Does My Makeup video

Allura tried okay but Shiro’s eyeliner will ALWAYS be better

Allura can’t handle how gorgeous her boyfriend is on a daily basis

Allura also voiced over one of Shiro’s makeup tutorials

It was mostly just her screaming over how talented he is

Shiro loves to do her makeup

Fun fact: Shiro does the makeup for Allura’s Altean role plays 

Hunk comes on and they do cooking and diet advice

They work well in the kitchen together

The atmosphere in these videos is super chill

Shiro likes to bring up all kinds of diets and they cook something that follows it

Their vegan mac&cheese is to DIE FOR

So are their gluten free pancakes

Basically everything they cook is delicious

So says Allura

Surprisingly, Pidge appears on the channel to talk makeup

Not so surprisingly, they built Shiro a makeup robot

It mixes eyeshadow colors to create new shades

Pidge is currently trying to upgrade it to mix lip colors

Shiro is very anxious excited

And there we go Part 3! This was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. And the Klance one will probably be longer. (Expect that soon-ish by that I mean today) I’ve also got some one-shots in the works too and maybe a multi-chapter fic? Ahhh so many ideas! *fingerguns away*

[flowerfan2]

Winds of Change - Chapter 1

Stucky, 46k total, A03. Post CACW.  This fic is fully written, and will post 2-3x a week.

Bucky’s still got some healing to do after the doctors in Wakanda rouse him from sleep and make sure there are no more deadly triggers lurking in his brain.  He decides it should happen where he can have some peace and quiet, as well as a little distance from Steve’s overwhelming presence.  When he sees an ad for a “Winter Caretaker” he takes the job, but it turns out to be not so peaceful after all.

Or, how Bucky realized that while he still needs to heal, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing for him and Steve to do it together.

Chapter 1

“You may stay here in Wakanda as my guest for as long as you like,” T’Challa says, once the doctors have roused Bucky from sleep and made sure there are no more deadly triggers lurking in his brain, “but I did promise Steve Rogers that I would keep him apprised of your status.”  The “it’s only fair” is left unsaid, but Bucky hears it anyway.

“Let me tell him,” Bucky replies.  Now, several hours later, he is in his room, staring at the computer screen, trying to figure out what to say.

It has been two weeks since he came out of cryo, two weeks full of poking and prodding both mental and physical, two weeks when the thought of Steve has never been far from his mind.  T’Challa has gone along with Bucky’s wish that he be allowed to get through this process without anyone else knowing that he was awake.  He wanted to make sure it would work, first; that he would no longer be able to be used as a weapon against his will.  Now that part of him, at least, has been healed.  He can’t put this off any longer.    

 Bucky opens up a new email, too chicken to call Steve on the phone like a grown-up.  

 “Dear Steve,” he begins, the vibranium fingers of his new left hand clicking on the keys as he goes.

It’s me.  I’m okay, according to the docs here.  T’Challa can fill you in.  I’ve given him permission to give you the details, if you want them.

I need to thank you for everything you did for me.  I hear things are better between you and the Avengers, which is good.  I didn’t mean to come between you and your friends.

I know you are going to want to see me, but maybe wait a while?  I need some time to-

Bucky gets stuck on this part.  He doesn’t know what excuse to give Steve for why he can’t see him right now.  Part of him would love to let Steve drop everything and come get him, as he knows full well he’d do.  He thinks about the way Steve smiles at him.  How he claps Bucky on the back, eyes full of affection.  It would be so easy to let Steve shepherd him around, take care of him through whatever confusion is still haunting his abused mind.   But the thought doesn’t sit right with him.  

It’s not only that he thinks he isn’t worth Steve’s time, although there’s some of that in the mix. It’s something he can’t really put his finger on.  Whatever it is, he knows he doesn’t want to be swept up into Steve’s orbit, not right now. He just wants some peace and quiet.

This is the first time he’s woken from cryo without pain, without more than a momentary twinge of fear. Without someone giving him orders. He’s not sure what he wants, but he wants to be the one to figure it out.

He returns to the email, deletes a few words, and finishes writing.  He reads over the end of the message, changes the closing a few times (he finally settles on “yours always, Bucky”) and then, his stomach clenching, hits send.

There’s a shower in his suite nicer than any he’s ever had at his disposal before, so he shuts himself in there, using every ridiculous bath product in the room.  He tells himself not to expect an immediate reply back from Steve, he’s probably asleep or out on a mission, or busy with his friends. And even if Steve reads his email right away, he might be too annoyed to write back.  Or, worse, he might tell Bucky to go fuck himself.

Bucky drags out his shower for as long as he can, cleaning every nook and cranny.  He dries himself carefully, slathering lotion on his body, even the tender skin where his metal arm attaches to his shoulder.  Leaving the bathroom he pulls on some of the white lounge pants everyone seems to wear for comfort here, and gets into bed. Filled with trepidation, he opens the laptop and checks his email.

There are two messages, both from Steve.

The first is heartbreakingly short:

 Dear Bucky,

 I understand.

 Steve

The next message was sent fifteen minutes later, and Bucky sighs with relief as he reads it.

 Dear Bucky,

 I can be an ass sometimes, but you know that already.  Natasha told me that if I didn’t send you a better message immediately she was going to beat the crap out of me, and she wasn’t kidding (she says hi, by the way).

 I’m so very grateful that you are alive.  I can’t pretend not to be disappointed that you won’t let me come see you, but that’s just selfish of me.  When I stop to think about how lucky I am that you are out there somewhere in the world, well, that will have to be good enough for now.  (You do want to see me again at some point, just not right this minute, right?)

I have so many ideas, so many things I’d like to do with you.  But they can wait.

Please keep in touch. I miss you, but I swear I’ll respect your wishes no matter what they are.

Yours always,

Steve

Bucky reads over the message a few times, a lump forming in his throat.  Steve is so sweet.  It’s not as if he really believed Steve would shut him out.  He trusts Steve more than anyone, but then again he has little idea what’s been going on in Steve’s life since he’s been in cryo.

He hates that he made Steve feel sad, even a little bit.  Logically he knew it would happen, although it’s hard for Bucky to fathom why he means so much to Steve after everything Bucky did as the Winter Soldier. But Steve’s question about whether he ever wants to see him again is honest, and he’s glad he asked it, even if it stings.  

He hadn’t planned on getting into a back and forth conversation with Steve, but there’s no doubt in his mind about the answer to his question.

 Steve,

Punk.  Of course I want to see you again.  Now go off and save the world and let a fella get some sleep.

Bucky

He closes the laptop and sets it off to the side of his ridiculously big bed.  Bucky knows Steve will respond, probably with a lighthearted joke, and he smiles in anticipation.  He’ll save it for the morning, something to look forward to, before he starts on the gargantuan task of trying to decide what to do with his mess of a life.

*********

It takes Bucky almost two months to make plans.  Wakanda is pleasant enough, but he doesn’t want to stay here permanently.  For one, although T’Challa is unerringly polite and generous, he’s putting Bucky up out of some good Samaritan sense of obligation, not due to any actual knowledge of Bucky himself.  And Bucky’s not always comfortable with how people look at him, knowing his history.

Mostly, he wants to go home.

He realizes this as he hikes one morning through the rainforest.  There’s a clearing leading up to a little waterfall, and he stops and crouches down, splashing water on his face.  It’s beautiful here, no question.  People probably pay bundles of money to travel to places like this.  But it doesn’t feel real.  

Later that night, he starts looking for a job.  Nothing fancy, nothing spooky.  Nothing that requires him to speak any language other than the one he spoke as a kid.    

Bucky knows he could return to government work – a guy named Phil Coulson offered him a spot in intelligence in whatever group has now taken SHIELD’s place – but he’s not really interested in that kind of thing right now.  He’s free to do whatever he wants, and he can do it legally, too, thanks to a presidential pardon, a U.S. passport with his honest to god birthdate on it, and a bank account with seventy-something years of military back pay, which is quite a stack of cash.

 (He tries not to think too hard about all the effort Steve and his friends went to while he was under, getting the mechanics of his life in order for him, not knowing when he’d wake up – or if he’d wake up.  Yet another good deed he can’t repay.)

 Sam Wilson had sent him some links to resources for veterans, and it’s one of those that leads him to the job opening.  It’s titled “Winter Caretaker,” and he has to laugh at the fitting irony of it.  

 Winter caretaker needed for Martha’s Vineyard home.  Must be willing to do routine maintenance, snow removal, water plants and care for three (very shy) cats.  Car for local use, moped and bicycle provided.

 It doesn’t pay much, but then Bucky really isn’t in this for the money.  He does some quick research, confirming that Martha’s Vineyard is an island off the south coast of Massachusetts.  It’s a popular summer destination, but its off-season population drops dramatically.  Without overthinking it, he emails the owner.

 Within a few days, it’s settled.  Nora, the owner of the house, is an artist who seems to be a little paranoid about leaving her home unsupervised while she travels, and keeps throwing out more reasons why having someone stay there is such a good idea.  Bucky is quick to agree with her, as he knows from way too much experience how easily an uninhabited building can be used for something unsavory, although he has his doubts about whether this particular location (“it’s kind of rural, actually,” Nora writes, “the island is bigger than people realize, it can take half an hour to drive from one end to the other”) is going to be in demand for criminal activity.

 After Nora assures herself that Bucky is the right person for the job (“you won’t get scared out there by yourself, will you?” is Bucky’s favorite question so far) they plan to meet at the house in two weeks, and it’s done.  He may not know where his life is going, but three (“really, they’re ridiculously shy”) cats are counting on him, so off he goes.

 **********

Bucky may be many things, but he’s not stupid, and he knows full well that the fact that he is moving back to the U.S. is probably of interest to Steve.  Except for a brief email exchange a few weeks ago which sounded disturbingly like something Bucky would have written to his old Aunt Ethel (“Hi Steve – just wanted to let you know I’m still doing fine.  T’challa’s docs have tinkered with my arm a bit, it’s quieter now.  Hope you are well.  Yours always, Bucky.”) he hasn’t communicated with Steve.  It would defeat the purpose, he thinks, although he’s not still clear on what the purpose is.

 He misses Steve, though. It’s an ache that’s always there in his chest, and as he sits in his appointed suite, duffel packed with his few belongings, he lets himself feel it.  He’s flying to Boston tomorrow (by way of Berlin, which makes him squirm with discomfort), then taking a bus to Woods Hole to catch the ferry to the island. It would be the easiest thing in the world to give Steve his flight information and meet up with him for a few hours, or even a few days.  

 But that’s not the plan, and for better or worse, he’s going to stick to the plan.  

 He starts typing out an email, biting his lip in concentration.  Because not hiding, telling the truth when it matters, is also part of the plan, so he’s got to walk this middle ground, and it isn’t getting any easier.

 Steve –

 I’m coming back to the states.  Please thank Sam for sending me all that info about jobs (and tell me honestly, is he pissed about me breaking his wings?  Because I still feel terrible).  I’ll keep you posted.

 Yours always, Bucky

 The response comes after he has gotten into bed, but he’s not anywhere near asleep.

 Dear Bucky –

 I’m really glad to hear you’re coming back, although I imagine T’Challa will miss your sparkling wit.

 You ass, Bucky thinks, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

 Don’t worry about Sam.  As soon as we all kissed and made up Tony built him a brand new set of wings, even better than the old ones.  It helped make up for the fact that Tony never got a chance to examine your arm – he’s still convinced that the Russians had help, that there’s no way they could have pulled off something that impressive with their “pathetic lack of technology.”  Don’t get me started on how he feels about you having a Wakandan engineered one now. He keeps trying to weasel an invitation from T’Challa but I guess the King has more important things on his mind than a play date with Tony Stark.

But seriously, Buck, thanks for telling me where you’ll be (although don’t think I didn’t notice that you actually didn’t give me much of a clue – it’s a mighty big country, Bucky). I’d love to see you, pal. Hopefully you know that.  And if you ever need anything, anything at all, just call - wherever you are, I’ll be there (have you listened to James Taylor, or Carole King?  Coulson put them on my list, they’re great.  Call me a sap, if you want – everyone else does).

Yours always,

Steve

It doesn’t make Bucky as uncomfortable as he would have thought to know that Steve and his friends are talking about him.  He’d actually gotten a long and rambling message from Tony, declaring a “permanent truce” and attaching a file of research on how his father may or may not have been involved with a plan to create more super soldiers.  “I still can’t tell,” Tony’s message concluded, “what side my dad was on.  But he was in control of his own mind.  You weren’t.”

[thisdaynews]

Scotland v England: Old rivals set for fresh plotlines in Six Nations battle

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Scotland v England: Old rivals set for fresh plotlines in Six Nations battle

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Watch: Stanger’s try to win 1990 Calcutta Cup for Scotland

2020 Guinness Six Nations: Scotland v England Venue:Murrayfield Stadium, EdinburghDate:Saturday, 8 FebruaryKick-off:16:45 GMT Coverage:Watch on BBC One; listen BBC Radio 5 Live & BBC Radio Scotland; live text commentary on the BBC Sport website & app.

When a fixture has been played for longer than any other in its sport, you can feel its weight and the history of it chasing you down the years.

Scotland against England is 149 years old. It never feels tired because beneath the great narratives of rivalry and animosity and friendship lie the fresh plotlines that light up every new chapter.

There are maybe more cliches to lose yourself in around this game than any other in rugby, not least because it is so familiar.

Old enemies. Brutal battles. An atmosphere unlike anything else in the rugby world.

Sometimes, but not always. It’s a match where the expected result usually comes to pass. Only one of the past 10 meetings between the two has gone Scotland’s way. It often falls flat. It’s a day that can feel predictable until the moment it isn’t.

And then it’s alive. You can wait an age for the one that no-one forgets, and that’s almost the point. It’s the hope that thrills you. It’s the damp squibs that keep you coming back.

Strolling out of town west along Haymarket Terrace, it’s scarf sellers and cans in hand. One for the road at Ryrie’s Bar, on towards Roseburn Street and the little bar on the corner. People piling off the tram from the city centre, others coming in shared cars and Range Rovers up the A703 from Peebles or the A7 from Selkirk, Melrose and Galashiels, those Borders towns like a tour round memories of the Grandstand vidiprinter as club results used to come in on a Saturday afternoon.

It can feel just as cold as the most northern Six Nations city should do when the wind comes in off the Pentland Hills. The stadium itself has changed so much since the last Scottish Grand Slam, those metal girders creeping over the top of the stands, so much grey concrete to go with the dark blue seats and the white saltires, but there are still old quirks too – the cricket pitches in Roseburn Park to one side, the train tracks without a stop on the south side and the ice rink out back. Even those expensive grandstands have given the ground an idiosyncratic lop-sided feel.

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Inside everything is cramped and cosy. The press box is narrow and tight, and dangerously close to the two greenhouses where the coaches and analysts sit, cut off more than any others in the stadium from the noise and ferment.

For the well-heeled in that stand it is tartan blankets on knees and hip-flasks to hand. Elsewhere are the beers and the noise and the abuse.

For England supporters up for the scenic weekend the journey out to the south-west suburbs of the Scottish capital is a rousing one rather than a walk on the wild side. When it’s bitterly cold you just spend more time in the bars. The sunny days just mean you can spend more time gawking at the impossible city-centre scenery.

Fear and loathing? 1990 had a fair amount of that, off the back of the Poll Tax and the Conservative government that introduced it north of the border before south, but there have been so many stale years since, seasons when England came and went with bodywork barely dented.

All the way to 1989 the anthem played before kick-off for the home team was God Save The Queen. Only when David Sole led his team out on that famous day did Flower of Scotland take hold.

Lewis Ludlam kicked up headlines this week when he talked of sport as conflict. “We want to be brutal. It’s going to be a war, and it’s something we’re excited about. They hate us and we hate them.”

He’s a young player early in his international career. You can maybe forgive the easy descent into hyperbole. But something else he said told you almost as much about this fixture: “For my second cap away at Wales there were old ladies and kids giving you the finger going into the stadium.”

Scotland’s first match against England at Murrayfield was in 1925 when the home team won and went on to secure their first Grand Slam

That doesn’t happen at Murrayfield, a more genteel place even for this fixture than Cardiff can be, partly because rugby union does not have the same hold over as great a proportion of the nation as it does in Wales, partly because the stadium is a 40-minute stroll from the middle of town rather than unmissable in the guts of the city like the Principality.

Wales have won four Grand Slams in the past 15 years. Scotland have been waiting as long for their next as Liverpool have a league title. Unlike at Anfield, there is no realistic end in sight any time soon.

The cliches will tell you too that Scotland need the weather to unleash hell if they are to upset England, as when Duncan Hodge dived through the puddles for the winning try in 2000, as in those narrow six-point squeakers in 2006 and 2008.

But when Scotland ransacked England 25-13 two years ago it was on a flawless afternoon, all golden winter sun and unbroken blue overhead. The gales and deluge forecast for this Saturday will do little to help a home side who like to put the ball through hands with pace more than any other team in the championship.

Atmospheres can leach away at Scotland v England. Sporting logic takes over. One side has the playing and financial resources to gradually steamroller the other.

That day in 2018 it didn’t. It began loud and got louder. Scottish turnovers were celebrated like tries. Supporters were leaping in their seats when England were penalised at the scrum. White-shirted knock-ons triggered wild choruses.

Centre Huw Jones scored two tries in Scotland’s victory at Murrayfield in 2018

And so history taps at English ankles once more. England have won on only three of their last seven trips to Edinburgh. Eddie Jones’ men have lost five of their last seven away games in the Six Nations. When they lose at Murrayfield it can never not be a heart-breaker, as with the lost Slams of 1990 and 2000, and it can lead to an unravelling, as when they plummeted to an eventual fifth in the final table in 2018.

They should win on Saturday. That’s the point. It’s not stepping into a Cardiff bearpit and it’s not taking on the unholy noise of Dublin.

But no-one is sure, because all those years of fighting and posturing and wondering have left an indelible mark.

“I wouldn’t be able to tell you the history. It doesn’t really affect me,” England centre Ben Te’o said in the build-up two years ago. “You’re always going to have an away fixture with a hostile crowd. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

Te’o had changed his mind by nightfall. And so you listen instead to Scotland’s number eight this weekend, Magnus Bradbury, and all the old stories and fables that you absorb down the years.

“It’s hard to explain, but it has more of an edge to it than any other game,” he said. “It seems that everyone in Edinburgh goes a little bit mental when it’s up here.

“If you’re not up for this game, you’re not going to be up for anything. Playing England at home at Murrayfield, it’s the biggest game you’ll ever play in.”

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[universallydonutcollectiont-blog]

The Big Manager (Flavor Shan Da Xiong) ( 1972).

Structure is a collaborative open resource task committed to structure as well as supporting the platform. TESTIMONIAL: IN CHARGES Quantity 3 is the 3rd installation in Cari Quinn and also Taryn Elliott's serialized story concentrating on billionaire glass entrepreneur Blake Carson, and also glass artist Poise Copeland. Research 1 examined whether students' thoughtful and also self-image objectives forecast a cycle of predicted as well as mutual responsiveness between roommates with implications for both individuals's connection objectives. Given that its beginning in 1999, Keen has actually been a relied on, trustworthy source for individual real-time advice. Contrasted with their fun, sexy new partnership that was slowly constructing in today day were heart-breaking glances into Chase's heartbreaking past that revealed simply just how much discomfort he was hiding. A part of the earnings from the sale of the cd will certainly most likely to the Hello Pal Structure, which was established by the Cosby household to promote recognition, understanding as well as education and learning for people with dyslexia and language-based learning differences-conditions that Ennis Cosby conquered to earn postgraduate levels. His acknowledgment of Ms. Nathan as a buddy came as his disease was producing much public sympathy. Nothing in the definition needs a peer-to-peer relationship, only one individual with viewed power over one more," specialists create in a write-up released Monday in the journal Pediatric medicine The coach-athlete relationship includes an intrinsic inequality of power." Bullying is greater than an inconvenience. Problems can arise when both companions really feel that they're right as well as the various other is completely incorrect, triggering warmed debates. Left alone in a downstairs area of the expansive San Fernando Valley home of close friend Robert Kardashian, with Simpson's attorney, Robert L. Shapiro, as well as several other individuals conferring in a conference room upstairs, the pair got away. I likewise frantically should leave where I was living-- I could enter into the details of why, but to summarize: I wanted to die every single day of my life and it took me several years to understand it was because of the environment I remained in. So, I selected the following finest place: somewhere near to my daddy, given that we've never reached have much of a connection and also I such as the weather up below. Your good friend talks frequently regarding her life as well as her troubles, as well as you can't seem to obtain a word in edgewise. I was not surpr A buddy informs you concerning the moment in Mr. Lincoln's life most background books skip over: Honest Abe's years as a boy in Springfield, Illinois, ending up being a legal representative as well as satisfying his fiancée. I have actually been attempting to connect to European leaders to say we desire the closest feasible connection with Europe in the future while valuing the outcome of referendum," he informed Sky Information. It was a real magnetic connection, and we are still with each other, our relationship expanding stronger with every encounter. It behaves to recognize exactly what you desire and having goals provides you a sense of direction and objective. If you are in an authoritative placement in the firm, it is exceptionally vital to continue to allow your employees understand that you are the boss which you require that the work be done, however there is the right way to deal with this, as well as the wrong way. One close friend balanced a sausage between his teeth while the other attempted to cut it in half with a razor-sharp sword. He uses a contract, nothing too binding," as well as guarantees to return the following day when the family has believed it over. But Liz quickly found that parties aren't constantly great areas to meet brand-new people since many partygoers have the tendency to continue to be in the team they arrived with as well as do not distribute. Investigating the partnership in between art as well as health uses some fascinating methods to link these 2 crucial areas of query as well as perhaps offer timely and crucial understandings right into each. New study accomplished by Coupon Codes Pro shows that practically a quarter of pregnant moms intend on welcoming their best friend to their kid's birth. He cast upon me a look not entirely enjoyable, but tramped off through the bushes without reply, and for a number of moments we heard the strong fluctuate of his earnest supplications, often interspersed with hearty groans, since one in all the pain of deep remorse. Whatever Offered You That Concept!" The piece, which Benjamin created in cooperation with his friend Wolf Zucker, provided a strikingly lucid however semi-satirical take on the everlasting inquiry of how you can request a raise-- or, rather, ways to request for anything when there is a power dynamic included between giver and also receiver. It provides students' a great begin to what makes a friend and exactly what makes a not so good friend. In this case, you program yourself to see as well as hear your manager but not really see or hear them" Your boss can be yelling at you, however you purposely allow it glide as if you did not listen to anything. Scott sees what does it cost? this pleases Rachel as well as decides maybe he must have a virtual good friend too. However, after a brief introduction to Meesha in the first chapter, the book returns to Boss aka Malcolm Clark. Alluring Her Friend is the story of buddies crazy with each various other, but neither recognizes the various other loves them. In these instances, the close friends possibly parted on good terms, as well as bring back the connection simply suggests reaching out to re-establish get in touch with. His resistance to technology was a running motif (as well as a method of maintaining some personal privacy in a very public life) until he finally hopped on e-mail, in 2010, explaining himself proudly as a new computer specialist". There click site was familiar with routine Prince Harry and his buddy Individual Pelly, who drew Jack to run the trendy Mahiki bar where Jack functioned 12 hr days. This sort of goes together with not requesting your new call's assistance prematurely, so keep in mind that this partnership you're building is supposed to be one of shared benefit. Her initial strategy was to rope him into choosing her to Vegas for a romance convention, but after his response she chooses rather that it's time to surrender on him and also she is mosting likely to go after her very own cover version to Aly as well as Dillon are the very best of friends without the advantages. Studies reveal that people that hold a position of power, whether in a personal partnership or in the office, lead happier lives compared to those with less authority. I noticed that he wasn't that over protective as well as over attempting good friends with me anymore.

[wesleycurr-blog]

An Impetus for Change

Hello dear reader. I’ve never blogged before, nor have I casually written in any large capacity. I felt this journey is important to blog. What journey you ask? The journey to diagnose the meaning of life. Just a casual attempt to find reason to keep living and living fully. Afterall, there’s got to be one right? Maybe there isn’t? That’s just one of the questions I hope to answer. My writing isn’t going to be particularly strong or poetic. I don’t know a lot of good adjectives (hah) and will not be able to produce what your high school teacher told you to do. Nor will I try. Sure, I could revise my posts over and over, or dedicate a lot of brainpower to each sentence, but why do that? It’s the content that matters. Plus, there’s a good chance I’m the only one that ever reads this, so I know what I meant. Given, there is a chance others do read this, likely at my recommendation. And if that is the case, first off, welcome, and second off, I apologize for any major syntax or grammatical errors. So anyways, you get the point. I am writing for speed and content; more of an outline of what I find I suppose. I am not here to entertain I am here to provide my discoveries. 

Wow, you never really realize how many times you use “I” in a paragraph until you blog like this. Guess I’ll just let it happen.

Anyways, I suppose I should provide a little more detail as to the point of this blog. My name is Wesley Currence, and I am looking for meaning in life. If there is no meaning, life is pretty sad, largely pointless, and frankly not worth living if you don’t want to. If life is meaningless, suicide is one of the bravest choices. You are committing the ultimate action to escape a life you don’t like. Some may say it’s the cowards way out, but I say committing suicide is the scariest thing you can do and trumps any tough thing you have to do in life. So, if you have a family of 5, barely make any money, are a single mother, and might have to throw up kids for adoption, and suicide is the other choice, I still think suicide is scarier. And as a result, I guess “braver”. Although I don’t like the connotation of bravery mixed with suicide all that might. But you get the idea. I don’t frown on it, IF LIFE HAS NO MEANING.

However, if life does have meaning, that’s another ball game.

Freshman year of college I spiraled into a pretty deep depression. Since then, I have climbed out (for the most part). This depression was brought on by a since of meaninglessness in the world and the realization that the atheist’s perspective truly renders life pointless. I wouldn’t have considered myself an atheist at the time, nor would I have considered myself religious. I was just kind of there. I grew up in a Christian home, but never really understood it or embraced it. And when I had more time to myself to think about things (in college), that’s when it hit hard. I didn’t bounce out of it due to finding hope, but just through the passing of time. Funny how that works. Throughout that time I always hung onto the hope that I’d be passionately inspired into a Christian life, almost at random. Perhaps a certain quote or meeting a certain person would trigger it. And then I would have hope and live a meaningful life. But that never happened and it was quite naive of me to think that would happen in retrospect. 

Today, I’m in a pretty stable mental state. I have a daily schedule that I stick to and it has anchored my sanity and general well-being. However, I know there is no bigger question to answer than that of religion and hope. Sure, career choices loom and big questions in my personal life need to be answered, but again, with perspective, it’s obvious that they are just drops of water compared to the ocean that is finding the reason for life. 

So, I hope to answer it. First and foremost, I hope to answer it to find a reason to exist. Something to fuel me when I’m down and something to live for and hope for. A reason to love others. Secondly, I want the answer to conquer my fears in life. I have personally struggled with insecurity and fear of other people for the last few years. Job interviews terrify me, I struggle to pursue girls, I worry that I converse awkwardly with people, I hate talking to adults and professionals as I fear I’ll mess up or they’ll think I’m weird. The list goes on. The fears improved a little with my climbing out of depression, but they still exist. And I know they will limit me forever if I can’t tackle them.

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m pretty biased on what I hope to find. I don’t want to find a hopeless world when I’m done with this journey. And this is a bias I just can’t deny. It exists. However, I will try my best to objectively examine the arguments for atheism. It will be hard but I will try. It’s just a matter of who I am - the bias can’t simply disappear.

I plan to read the books I choose slowly and (reasonably) meticulously. I want to actually understand it. P.S. that’s another one of my fears, not being able to retain knowledge or articulate it. So, I hope that by going slowly I will have a better personal understanding AND be able to retain/explain if the time ever comes. 

This blog has already become quite long .  . . I plan to take on Richard Dawkin’s “The God Delusion” as my first read. This is a first for me as I have rarely come at atheism through the first hand perspective of an atheist. It’s going to be a tough read. I plan to note the major arguments used by Dawkins in favor of atheism and compare them with counter arguments prepared by religious folks. This will either take the form of internet research or another book that then goes against Atheism. The religious counterarguments are going to be coming from a Christian perspective. For a few reasons. First off, I’m most aware of the Christian side of things and their arguments, so I want to be able to contrast the arguments from 2 sides I actually understand (Atheism and Christianity). If I were to look up Islamic refutes for Atheistic arguments, I would be lost. Secondly, the resources favoring Christian apologetics are much more abundant than those of other major religions. Thirdly, I already have preconceived beliefs that Christianity holds the strongest arguments, and I want to see how they hold up.

I will be blogging the outline of my findings. Likely chapter by chapter. Since I’m renting from the lib, I can’t outline in the book itself. So typing will serve as an outline I guess. 

After I contrast Atheism and Christianity, I will move onto the comparison of major world religions. That is, if Christianity can hold up. Cue cliffhanger music.

That’s the introduction. Here goes nothin.