#mental health in relationships is tricky and messy

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

Can There Be Both Destiny and Free Will? If Not, Which Do You Believe to Be True?

 

  This question has me stumped! I've been coming back to it every other day to try to answer it. I've decided to just write and see where it takes me. This is a tricky topic because I don't think there is a yes or no answer for me, which is exciting. There's so much to discuss.

  Destiny is defined as 'the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future' or 'the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.' If those are the two definitions I get to choose from, I'd say I believe in the first one. I believe that humans need something to believe in, whether it's religion, astrology, family values, etc. It gives life a purpose and makes you want to do good things. Also, 'to a particular person or thing' makes me think about predator vs prey; some things just aren't meant to live very long. Predators need to hunt, and the prey are destined to be hunted. What I don't believe is that destiny is always to blame for why things happen; actions have consequences, and I don't think it was my destiny to end up in corporate banking or to end up in shitty relationships in the past. I have the free will to change those things in my life.

  Free will is defined as 'the power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one's own discretion. I get extremely overwhelmed by free will; I believe in it more than I believe in destiny. The reason I find it so overwhelming is because for the past few years I have not acted on it. Truly if I wanted to today I could quit my job and move to another country. Would it be hard? Of course but it is possible, I could buy a one way ticket to anywhere in the world. I don’t need to work a 9-5, that’s what I choose to do with my free will because I love comfortability and consistency. I use to give myself the grace to dream and dream BIG. That has diminished over the years, but I know I will get it back at some point.

  I use to act on my free will more often when i was younger. I am fortunate enough to lead a privileged life in most aspects. I was born into a family that would be defined as poor; my mother lived off the government due to mental health issues. Despite this, my mom still did her best to give us a childhood that I'd say was good. Of course, my mom did things that had a lasting effect on me, but I don't think it was ever intentional; she loved us. We moved from apartment to apartment as we were dependent on section 8 for housing. I've probably lived in six different apartment complexes and went to seven different schools; my childhood lacked consistency (which is why consistency is so important to me now). Sometimes we'd have food, and sometimes we'd have to wait a week for the food stamps to come in before we could eat a proper meal. However, I always went to bed with food in my stomach, laid my head down on a pillow, under a roof. My mom always figured it out.

 One thing that triggered me from living with my mother was the state of our apartments. They were always messy; I'd say my mom had a slight hoarding issue. There was always just stuff all around, always trash everywhere. In order to take a shower, I'd have to climb over what felt like a mountain of clothes on the floor or step on razors, old shampoo bottles, dried up soap before I was able to reach the shower knob. My mother was always home, and she didn't have many friends. The ones she did have were not great. We also didn't have a car, it was hard to get around, we always had to depend on someone.

  I love my mother, but I did not want to end up like her. She wasn't my role model. I wanted a clean space, I wanted a job, and I wanted a car. So I made the choice to work. From the age of 16, I got my first job serving chicken. It was life-changing to finally have money. I got my driver's license and soon after got my first car. I graduated from high school, which was something I didn't think I was able to do. I worked two jobs and was able to move out by 20. Somehow, I ended up in banking and worked my way up. I make more money than my mom would know what to do with. That doesn't mean I don't still struggle I do, but that’s the beauty of free will, I can do anything that I want. I made the decision with my free will to do better. I knew I didn't want to live a life like the one I lived growing up. I wanted to be able to order pizza any day of the week!

  Now, I understand that some people are born into a life that doesn't give them these opportunities. I know there are deep traumas that lead you down a dark path. I am not blind to that. That's why I find this question so hard to answer. That is why I believe in destiny, every deserves a chance to hope for more or hope that there is more to life. My human experience is not the same as yours and it never will be. I do know that we make choices throughout our lives, and we have the power to make those choices because of our free will. I also believe some people are destined to be life's prey. Apologies if this post seems all over the place. I just always have a lot to say!

Photo Link: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1070941986372239789/

[clairenatural]

I honestly think Cas WAS in the wrong though for leaving Dean in 15x04 because he knew Dean was hurting and he knew Dean had low self worth and extreme abandonment issues. Like I get why he did it and I don’t hold it against him but it wasn’t the right thing to do

this is a castiel apologist blog!!!!

so sorry, but i disagree. it sucked for dean but dean was not in a place where he could listen to cas or be receptive to his help, and it was just hurting cas to stay there and continue trying while being shut down. i don’t blame dean for this, because he has a lot of trauma and abandonment issues to work through, but nobody (fictional or not) is required to sit with their partner and help them work through their issues at their own detriment, especially when their partner is refusing help. of course cas wants to, every partner in this situation wants to, but it’s just more damaging to everyone in the long run. so yeah i do think it was the right thing to do to put himself first for once, even if it hurt dean. both of them were hurting deeply at the moment, and both hurt in the aftermath, but cas leaving was good for him and also their relationship and, arguably, dean, because it forced him to have the “you left but i didn’t stop you” realization which was such a breakthrough (and isn’t only applicable to cas but to all his relationships tbh).

[sacerdotessa]

mini pick a card interactive reading

What's waiting for you on the other side of fear? 🌈

by @sacerdotessa on tumblr | @sacerdotess4 on IG

Pile 1:

I sense that you're kinda anxious about something, your mental health could not be at its best, you might have troubles sleeping, a messy sleeping schedule, unhealthy habits, fears and worries. In this period, it's hard for yourself to let go of the past, I sense that those around you (maybe those in your group of friends, classmates or colleagues but this could include your family or partner as well) have recently deluded you and it's hard for you to let them go. I sense that this is not the first time that these people have deluded you (or maybe the same dynamics has happened in the past with different people), you're feeling stuck in a repetitive cycle. I sense that you should cut these people off and concentrate on something else.

I sense that you're kinda anxious about something, your mental health could not be at its best, you might have troubles sleeping, a messy sleeping schedule, unhealthy habits, fears and worries. In this period, it's hard for yourself to let go of the past, I sense that those around you (maybe those in your group of friends, classmates or colleagues but this could include your family or partner as well) have recently deluded you and it's hard for you to let them go. I sense that this is not the first time that these people have deluded you (or maybe the same dynamics has happened in the past with different people), you're feeling stuck in a repetitive cycle. I sense that you should cut these people off and concentrate on something else.

What's for you on the other side of fear? I sense that you're going to meet better friends, they're going to be supporting and helpful. I sense a strong earth energy here, the presence of Taurus/Venus/2nd house placements is prominent.

Pile 2:

This is a tricky pile. I sense that you've invested in a person that was not meant for you, this person was not invested in the relationship the same way as you. I'm sensing an impulsive and passionate individual, this person could have a huge quantity of fire signs in his chart or at least a fire sign in their big 3. I sense that the wisest thing that you should do for yourself is to let go this person. I sense that you're insecure of yourself and you tend to underestimate your talents, the good new is that around you there's a wise person that could help you a lot dealing with your struggles, you should open up more with those around you.

What's for you on the other side of fear? A renewed sense of self, an open mind and clear goals for your future. Warning: I sense that there's a lot of work to do here.

Pile 3:

Such a cool pile. I sense that you're kinda a trouble maker and that you have messed up things a lot in the past, you have put yourself in troubles, that's happened because of your impulsive and rebellious personality. I sense that you have matured a lot recently and now you're afraid to mess things up again. You're allergic to boredom, you're always on the run and you need new emotions in your life, last months were so boring for you, you need some fresh air but now you're afraid to mess things up in your life.

What's for you on the other side of fear? I sense that you're going to meet an altruist and generous friend and that this friendship is going to be important for you (for some of you this friendship could evolve in a romantic relationship), I sense earth energy here but is not so strong. You should give yourself a second chance, you should stop consider yourself a trouble maker.

[grimmichi-ao3-feed]

[New AO3 Fic!] Noxious Satisfaction

by poundcakecrm

After a few years abroad, Ichigo Kurosaki returns home and becomes the new restaurant manager of Los Noches – an upscale, fine dining establishment with an interesting staff dynamic. For example, the building owner, Nel, is such a constant presence that she might as well be co-manager; the restaurant owner barely ever present in stark contrast; and the head chef is… well, the head chef is something else entirely. Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez is unlike anyone Ichigo’s ever met before, let alone had to work with. He’s aggressive, arrogant, and without shame.

He’s also passionate, complicated, and the past is starting to catch up to him dangerously quick. Getting to know Grimmjow beyond the surface level is a tricky game. Messy upon entry. Electric and all-consuming in the throes of it.

Ichigo never stood a chance.

Words: 3264, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Bleach

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques, Kurosaki Ichigo, Nelliel Tu Oderschvank, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques's Fracción, Shawlong Koufang, Urahara Kisuke, Shihouin Yoruichi, Ulquiorra Cifer, Kurosaki Family Ensemble (Bleach)

Relationships: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques/Kurosaki Ichigo, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques & Nelliel Tu Oderschvank, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez & His Fraccion, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques & Urahara Kisuke

Additional Tags: Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Chefs, Chef Grimmjow Jaegerjaques, Professional Kitchens, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Drug Addiction, Mental Health Issues, undiagnosed OCD, Crocs

Read it now on AO3!

[comfy-whumpee]

Whumping Safely 101

Many people in this community have mental health problems, face various types of discrimination, and have complicated relationships with some parts or types of whump. In particular, I aim this at people who care about the experience of survivors and others with triggers – partially because I am an abuse survivor who often flirts with triggering content as part of my love of whump.

Keeping your blog safe is difficult, takes effort, and is never a perfect process. But as the community grows and grows, it’s really important that we hold ourselves to a high standard. I would argue that this is a responsibility of all content creators, but especially those of us in the messy playground of whump.

I’ve got three sections in here: content warnings, writing with care, and community interaction. I’ve tried to make it navigable. It’s about 1.8k words. Shorter than a lot of drabbles! I welcome good-faith criticism on this topic and further questions on my own views.

Content Warnings

The biggest responsibility, in my opinion, is empowering your reader to make their own decision on whether they want to expose themselves to your writing. This also happens to be by far the easiest way to help people whump safely.

What to warn

This is a big and ever-changing topic. Some things you should warn for as a rule of thumb are anything NSFW, pet whump and box boy whump, drugs and alcohol, medical and hospital content, graphic gore, intimate partner violence, and animal harm. It can be tricky to draw the line of what counts – what needs a warning? If you’re in doubt, just warn it anyway. It doesn’t hurt.

If someone requests a trigger be warned for, even if it’s something that feels obscure or tame, show compassion and agree to the request. This is someone who cares enough about being able to read your writing that they wrote in! They want to be able to read it and enjoy it. You’re being complimented.

Otherwise, look at what other blogs tag for. You’ll see some variation in styles and levels of detail, but it’s a good way to gauge what people think is warn-worthy, when we’re often writing stuff that would already be R-rated in mainstream media.

Read Mores

The easiest way to make sure people don’t see your triggering content is to use a cut. Tumblr is not a very functional website and likes to delete cuts, but a cursory check of your posted content will usually tell you whether it’s worked. With asks, cuts are very spotty, so don’t be afraid to post an ask response separately with a screengrab of the original question. People often then respond to the ask itself with a link to the post, especially if it’s a whole drabble. Tumblr is weird and bad so just do your best.

Content notices

I.e., a quick summary before the drabble, usually in bold, to state what will be coming. I like to distinguish between using content notes (CN) and trigger warnings (TW) to indicate severity. Others might use the old phrase ‘dead dove do not eat’ to indicate this is a heavy piece, and often you will see qualifiers like ‘intense’, ‘mild’, ‘mention’, ‘referenced’ (i.e. it is discussed but not actively happening), and ‘implied’ (as the opposite of ‘explicit’). I’ve also seen a couple of people use ‘vibes’, which is a really nice way of demonstrating that it’s there, but not the focus. A quick paragraph like this, or just a line, lets people make a quick risk assessment on their reading.

This is also important if you’re sending in asks or requests to people. If you want to ask about something triggering, send an inquiry first about whether the blog is okay to hear it.

Tagging

Tagging is a chore, but it’s your primary way of warning people about your content. The main benefit of tagging is that you can be as detailed as you want, because can be tagging for content in general, not just triggers.

In a best case scenario, you’d tag the kind of whump you’re doing, tag triggers, tag characters, and even your ‘verses, because tagging is your index for your blog. If you tag reliably, you help your future self and your readers find stuff, and you also make your blog really dang safe. People who have unusual triggers can blacklist tags, and will pick up on your content tags to help them.

Don’t just tag your own writing. Tag your reblogs, tag your prompts, tag your asks. Yes, edit your asks to add the tags. Tag your images and gifs. Tag your images as images and your gifs as gifs.

If you aren’t up for detailed tagging for whatever reason, just tag for triggering content, and add stuff to that list if you’re asked to. My usual technique is to make a mental note of tags while I’m formatting and editing before posting.

Be aware that your first five tags will be used in search results. If you’re using tags that are associated with kink too, such as ‘shibari’, you might want to rethink your tag order if you don’t want interaction from those blogs. Also think about what tags might come up in non-whump contexts, such as ‘collar’ or ‘PTSD’. Some tactics for getting around this I’ve seen are adding ‘whump’ after the content or writing the tags in past tense (i.e., ‘collared’).

It is also a good idea to watch out for when you might be reblogging something whumpy that is intended as kink / porn / fetish, especially in images. Tagging these as spicy / nsfw / kink is a sensible move.

Writing with Care

Okay, now for the harder stuff.

I mean here to lay out some guidelines for how to write in a way that helps your reader build good faith. This is a much more nuanced topic, and it’s different for everyone. There will always be differing opinions on what should and shouldn’t be written about, what a good depiction of a sensitive topic is, and how to discuss that topic. I tried to strip this back into absolute basics that I hope we can all agree on.

Maybe your whump involves abuse. Maybe it’s gaslighting. Maybe it’s severe mental health problems, or addiction, or slavery, or you write about or analogise real-world issues. Whump deals with the dark stuff, and that’s a big part of its appeal. But don’t ever forget you’re writing the dark stuff.

(Try to) Know what you’re doing

Some of us play fast and loose with plots, medical accuracy, worldbuilding, and other things that get in the way of the pain we crave. This is all well and good, but when we start using whump that speaks true to people’s lived experiences, we shouldn’t be careless with it. I’m particularly talking about things that get represented poorly in mainstream media, such as abusive relationships, issues around marginalisation, mental illness and disability.

Be critical of media that you’ve consumed. Think about how its depicted things that you want to depict in turn. Look for opinions on fictional representations of those issues. Be aware that you might be more ignorant of things than you realise.

Look at how others are writing these issues, particularly if they’re writing from a perspective different to yours. If you haven’t personally experienced what you’re writing about, e.g., if you don’t have PTSD and you want to depict a character who does, seek out stuff written from or with experience. Listen to the experts.

If you’re looking for stuff about representation specifically, I recommend this collection of posts about ‘Braving Diversity’ cultivated by Writing With Colour, who are in themselves a fantastic resource for this topic, and have recommendations for other blogs that deal with intersecting issues.

Listen to others

Missteps are inevitable. Nobody is perfect. If constructive criticism is offered, that’s also a compliment to your writing. Someone read your work and thought about it, and thought you’d care about improving it. They’re offering themselves as a resource for helping you see your work in a new light.

Criticism is hard and sometimes hurtful, but even if we don’t think it’s accurate, there’s often a grain of truth in it. If someone tells you that your writing is harmful, think about why they’ve said that, not whether or not they’re correct. This is an opinion! Opinions are subjective! But what drove someone to send that in?

You don’t have to respond to all your criticism and definitely don’t respond straight away. Being respectful to those who are trying to help you means taking the time to consider it properly. Sometimes, they don’t need a response. Others, you might want to learn more about what they think before deciding. You might have already discussed the topic, in which case, you might just want to reblog your previous posts.

If it’s sent in bad faith or is outright hateful, you’re well within your rights to just delete it and move on. You might get the same criticism over and over again, and that’s exhausting, and you don’t have to retrace your steps for everyone.

But if it’s new, even if it puts your hackles up, you can always stop and wonder why someone felt that strongly about your work.

Take a step back

One of my better-known characters is a pet whumper who conditioned his victim to adore and depend on him. It’s not always easy to represent how deeply messed up that is within the text – though I think that’s part of the challenge – but in meta-commentary, I am always describing him as a creeptastic bastard lacking compassion and self-reflection. I hope to always give the reader the confidence that I know just how wrong it is.

This is a really simple thing you can do just to give readers good faith in you. Show that you know what you’re writing is dark and messed up. Show your understanding for the issues you’re handling and that they’re complicated. It might seem self-evident, but when you’re writing the really dark stuff, or unhealthy relationships, or institutionalised whump, you can inadvertently create the impression that you just think it’s fun. The fact that it’s fiction does not automatically absolve you. Show that you care about doing it right.

Community Interaction

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet because I will almost entirely be preaching to the choir here.

Be polite to others. Imagine saying what you’re saying to their face.

Don’t send anon hate. Just don’t. If you can send criticism off anon, do so.

Nobody is obligated to interact with you.

Nobody is obligated to monitor their own reader base.

If someone says do not interact, do not interact.

If someone says do not interact, why they’ve said that is none of your business.

You don’t need to spread the word about someone’s bad politics.

Ask yourself if your input is needed, or if what you’ve said has already been said.

You don’t have to take a side.

Take care of yourself. Take breaks. Remind yourself that whump is a small part of the world.

That’s all from me, folks. Stay safe.

[winwxn]

ikon ideal type reading

requested by @snotgurl

jay/jinhwan

eight of cups: this card is really tricky for me but likely his ideal type is someone he was in a previous relationship with (platonic or romantic), but it wasn't a healthy relationship emotionally. possibly had a lot of emotional stress during that relationship. seems like that's his ideal type but it's really not a good idea for him. this could also be someone who is like that person he was with before. someone who is bad for him, water signs: cancer, scorpio, pisces with heavy scorpio

song/yunhyeong

wheel of fortune: someone he's supposed to meet and be with (soulmate energy lol, or part of a karmic cycle), someone that kind of pushes him to keep going even if things feel slow. night owl, he thinks about cliche situations where he'd meet his ideal type, he seems like a very romantic person, someone who is able to handle his messy/busy life, ready to uncover his secrets, ready to explore with him, fire signs: aries, leo, sag

bobby

nine of swords & eight of pentacles (came out together): someone who has a rough time mentally sometimes. this could be insomnia or depression for example. this is just what he falls for a lot, not necessarily what he looks for in a person. may feel more connected with this person because of his own experience with mental health (himself and others in his life). someone who is very skilled in their job or hobbies. love to work and complete things, usually creative types of things but doesn’t have to be. someone always ready to learn new skills and hobbies. crafty people. earth and air signs: taurus, gemini, virgo, libra, capricorn, aquarius w/ heavier earth energy

dk/donghyuk

nine of swords & seven of wands (came out together): again, typically falls for someone who has emotional or mental health issues, like bobby. with the seven of wands tho, this is someone who has overcome these issues already. obviously mental health issues can come back at any point, but for the most part, this person has been able to stand strong despite their problems. very strong and bright person, someone who shines brighter than anyone else. someone who radiates a lot of energy. fire signs: aries, leo, sag

june/junhoe

four of pentacles: someone balanced in terms of finances. someone who is smart with their money, but also a little bit controlling or possessive. this can be towards him or just other things in life in general. he may want to fix this possessiveness in this person, show them that it’s okay to not control everything. someone stubborn too. earth signs: taurus, virgo, capricorn

chan/chanwoo

son of cups: someone who is very artistic, likely in the music industry as well. very creative and emotionally available thru music. someone who is introverted and thinks a lot about everything. maybe gets lost in their own thoughts a lot. someone with two sides to them - their artistic and stoic side, and their quiet and intense side. likely someone who loves being around water/finds peace near water (ex lakes/rivers/ponds/etc.), water signs: cancer, scorpio, pisces w/ heavy pisces

special: b.i/hanbin

wheel of fortune, three of cups, and the world (all came out together): he’s looking for his soulmate, his life partner, someone who gets him on a spiritual level. someone who is able to help balance him out and help him feel comfortable. likely will start out as friends. wants to be best friends with his significant other and wants his friends to get along with his partner. someone bright energetically, someone that lights up a room. someone who makes him feel like his life is complete, makes him feel whole again. someone who likes to travel or someone he wants to travel the world with, night owl, likes nature, likes to take risks. water signs: cancer, scorpio, pisces but also leo and sag.

disclaimer: i do not mean any harm to ikon, b.i, or any one that i do readings of. this is just for fun and for me to practice tarot as i am a beginner. please be respectful to me, the people i do readings of/for, and others reading my spreads. thank you.

[heresince93]

Gillian Anderson Sunday Times Interview Transcript

There is a moment in the second series of Netflix’s Sex Education when Gillian Anderson’s character, Jean, sighs a deep resigned sigh as she is lying in bed one morning and spots the messy pile of small change her latest lover, Jakob, has left on her bedside table.

It’s my favourite moment of this uplifting show about the tangled love lives of British secondary school teens that manages to appeal to both parents and adolescents alike. Anderson plays the outrageously inappropriate sex therapist Jean Milburn, a stylish, confident single mother.

The sight of those coins will resonate with any woman of Anderson’s age and stage of life (she is 51), whatever kind of relationship they are in.These pennies, a symbol of how untidy life gets and the constant imposing presence of someone else even when they aren’t in the room, represent for Jean the gradual realisation that the excitement of a new love soon becomes tempered by the boring bits.

For those of us who have been married a while, the coins are perhaps the equivalent of the dull domesticity of picking up the shirt always dropped on the floor or the wet towels you always end up refolding after your teens have left them near but not on the bathroom radiator. Anderson and I chat about this a lot when we meet to talk about the second series of Sex Education, given that we are both working mothers in our early fifties.

The actress, who is most recognised for her role as Scully in The X-Files, is twice divorced and has three children, Piper, 25, Oscar, 13, Felix, 11, all of whom live with her in London. Her partner of three years is the playwright, screenwriter and creator of The Crown, Peter Morgan, himself a father of five.

In person Anderson is chatty and witty, aloof and friendly at the same time, a peculiarly feline trait that I often encounter in driven, confident women who have reached midlife. Tell me about Jakob and the coins, I say, what is it like starting a new relationship in your forties, compared with your twenties?

“It’s very different,” she says. “I think you are more fully formed, especially if you have taken time out of previous relationships to find yourself.

“Early on after the break-up of my last relationship and before my current one, somebody encouraged me to write a list of needs and wants in a future partner. Needs are non-negotiable. If you go on a date with someone and realise they won’t meet, say, three of those needs, then they are not the person for you. It may last as a relationship, but it won’t make you happy. Wants are easier, not more frivolous per se, but easier to deliver. Doing this made it clear to me going forward who would be good for me in a relationship.

“And there is a new creativity nowadays to what a relationship should look like, too. For instance, my partner and I don’t live together. If we did, that would be the end of us. It works so well as it is, it feels so special when we do come together. And when I am with my kids, I can be completely there for them. It’s exciting. We choose when to be together. There is nothing locking us in, nothing that brings up that fear of ‘Oh gosh, I can’t leave because what will happen to the house, how will we separate?’. I start to miss the person I want to be with, which is a lovely feeling. And it is so huge for me to be able to see a pair of trousers left lying on the floor at my partner’s house and to step over them and not feel it is my job to do something about it!”

I’ve never interviewed a celebrity who, even though she is wearing heels (little pointy white boots) is still shorter than me (I’m barely 5ft 2in), but Anderson is tiny. This is only important to note, I think, because her roles since Dana Scully have been so big and so powerful: Blanche in A Street Car Named Desire and Margo Channing in All About Eve on stage; Lady Mountbatten in the film Viceroy’s House; Stella Gibson in The Fall; and now Jean Milburn.

I wonder if she is perhaps filed under “tricky, unpredictable, charismatic, spiky, intelligent and fearless woman” in the casting director’s directory of suitable roles. After all, her next part is going to be Margaret Thatcher (in The Crown). And when she arrives for our chat in the closed Chinese restaurant of a central London hotel, she apologises for the sticky mess in her hair caused by wearing the Iron Lady’s wig the previous day. Her nails are manicured pale pink like Thatcher’s too.

“She had a condition that meant two fingers of each hand would curl around — Reagan had it too — so it affected her gestures and she would wear lots of rings and bracelets to distract. But she kept her nails long, which is how I have to keep them now,” Anderson says. She is fascinated by Thatcher, concluding, after studying her childhood, that “nobody ever existed like her. She was unique.”

Anderson might be unique herself, and despite giving many interviews (three last year), I see that she has been smart and managed to remain a bit of an enigma. When I listen back to the tape, she is very good at general talk, but not so hot on specifics.

She spent her early years in north London with her American parents before going back to Michigan for high school. She was a teenage punk plagued by panic attacks that have continued to trouble her over the years, particularly during her intense work schedule on The X-Files. She went into therapy at 14, then became world famous at 25, and had her first child at 26 (the same age her parents had her, before going on to have her two siblings 12 years later). She split up with her first husband three years after that.

In 2011 she endured the death of her brother, Aaron, aged 30, from a brain tumour, which she rarely discusses. She is an impressive activist, campaigning for a variety of issues including women’s rights in Afghanistan, Burma, South Africa, Uganda and South America. There are 10 charities she has worked with listed on her website, and in 2017 she co-wrote We: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere, a well-received book of advice for women. She has also designed two small fashion collections for Winser London, which include some gorgeous silky blouses. I found I had three in my wardrobe without knowing they were hers.

She is a Bafta nominee and Golden Globe winner, and Neil Gaiman, who cast her in the TV series of his book American Gods, said: “She is in this strange place where everything exists in the shadow of Scully, yet she is bigger and better than that.”

When I listen to her 2003 Desert Island Discs, though, she tells a darker story. In between Radiohead and Jeff Buckley, she talks of troubled mental health that she has worked ferociously hard to improve. She has been in therapy for more than 30 years.

Anderson tells me she has been teetotal since her early twenties and despite some mild probing on my part is reluctant to elaborate on exactly why. I understand. She has soon-to-be teenage children who don’t need to know about any of the “dangerous things” she has done, as she described them to Sue Lawley.

I’m fascinated by Anderson and can see why she was the perfect person to cast as the quirky, funny therapist Jean in Sex Education, which really hits its stride in the second series. While still a comedy at heart, the subject matter tackled by its fantastic young cast is revelatory. Sex Education is one of the first productions to hire an intimacy director to make the young actors feel comfortable and process what they were doing, often naked in front of multiple cameras, to be happy and authentic about what they did and feel they had input.

Anal sex, drugs, masturbation, STDs and nudity feature graphically in this show, which I would advise all parents and teens to watch, though not at the same time — only Jean would do that. When I interview Anderson I have yet to see the finale, but Jean’s journey is that of many women in the middle of their lives after divorce with teenage children.

“There’s a grief, isn’t there?” Anderson says as we discuss the menopause. “I haven’t quite got to the place where I don’t have my eggs, but your body is going to mourn that, isn’t it? I remember the very last time I breastfed and it was heartbreaking. I wept and wept through it.

“And I know people who describe particularly difficult periods at home without realising they are describing their mothers going through the menopause.

“We’re all at the point where we’re kicking off just as our teenage children are kicking off. I was looking at some home videos of Piper when she was three and wondering where all my patience came from in my twenties. I have forgotten that version of me.”

She says she doesn’t feel quite ready for her two boys to become teenagers, but sometimes Jean slips into their conversations at home.

“I find myself saying something embarrassing at the dinner table and I don’t know if it is me or if Jean has given me the licence to say that. Maybe I have always been that way, though. Some of what she shares is too much information. I wouldn’t share it, even with my eldest in her twenties. But my son came home after having a sex education class and I completely clammed up. I couldn’t bring myself to continue the conversation. I just let it die. I really don’t know why.”

Over the years Anderson has tried to schedule her roles to fit in with her children, but like many of us who have devoted much of our time to careers, she still lives with nagging doubts about doing the right thing.

How did you deal with a small child while filming back-to-back episodes of The X-Files for 16 hours a day, I ask, especially when you decided to go it alone as a mum. “I missed her, really so much. Those moments when you see a small child in the street when you are apart from yours and the conversation just drops, it’s hard. She was on a plane a lot when she was six and we moved production to the West Coast. I justified that, I mean it was selfish on my part. I just could not imagine being away from her for long periods of time.

“I became obsessed with schedules, and I still am because of that time. I would plan and colour-code everything, make a series of propositions about schedules so I could see her, and the show would either reject or accept them.

“With the boys the longest I have been away from them was during the two X-Files movies, but again I would be travelling constantly to see them.”

I ask her if she regrets working so hard. “Not yet,” she says. “I have a feeling that will come. I definitely feel like on a level I do regret Piper flying back [to her dad, when she was six] as an unaccompanied minor.” We sit in silence for a bit, mulling over the thought.

“But there’s another version of my life where I could have worked less, had a smaller life and been more present as a parent. I could have chosen that, that could happen. But sometimes it feels like why would you, if you keep getting work as an actor, doing things you dreamt of doing and being offered incredible roles at this age, while paying the bills, and you still get to see them a huge percentage of the time and they witness a mother enjoying her work?”

She has talked to her daughter about it, but says Piper is not yet at the place where the lightbulb goes on and she realises Mum was still up at 6am the days she faced 16 hours of work to be with her, or those days we all have when we are still on the edge of the sports pitch, despite the demands of a job.

But Anderson is an all-or-nothing personality. She tells me she is either on a healthy eating plan, meditating and working out or hiding like a hermit at home eating chocolate. She has been plagued by frozen shoulders all her life, leading to months of pain-filled insomnia and cortisone injections.

“My default position is sedentary,” she tells me when I ask about her meditating and yoga right now. “I like being in bed in my PJs. When I’m working, like right now, I seem to exist mostly on chocolate. Then I go through a stage when I feel dreadful and I review it all and start a food plan, torture myself counting shots of milk and all that.

“In the cycle of all or nothing, I am in the nothing phase right now. It has gone on for quite some time, but I think I am better to be around. I was having lunch with my daughter and we were just, you know, eating, not asking for stuff without oils or sugar, and she said, ‘It’s so much better when you are not in that place.’ ”

I’ve enjoyed my hour with Anderson; she is likeable and thoughtful. I sort of hope we’ll meet again one day. It’s unlikely she’ll read the interview; she has said before that she rarely does. So what do I think as I walk away from her? I’m impressed by her curious nature and, obviously, her sense of style, a blueprint for us all at this stage of life, but mostly I’m inspired by her strong sense of self. It has obviously taken quite a bit of work for her to get there, but from what I can see, it has been worth it.

@GillianA

Sex Education series 2 is available on Netflix from Friday

Hair: James Rowe at Bryant Artists. Make-up: Mary Greenwell at Premier Hair and Make-up. Nails: Saffron Goddard at Saint Luke using Sisley Hand Care

[monicalorandavis]

To the couples of “Temptation Island”: WTF

So “Temptation Island” is back. If you didn’t know, now ya know. And if you be knowin’ what I know, this show is a whole ass mess and these people are...

Well.

How do I put this?

I want to acknowledge first that love is a tricky thing. Love makes fools of us all. As does reality television. So that being said, and factoring in for two fool-ass variables, “Temptation Island” makes for the perfect storm of foolishness. These are people who have signed up to look like idiots. I don’t know why they’ve done it. There seems to be no cash prize. The only prize is the almost certain outcome that their partners will stray and bring to the table the baggage that comes with that. So, considering that, you’ve got two scenarios. If you’re scared and going into it looking to have your worst fears confirmed (your partner has previously cheated and you’re sure that he’s gonna do it again!) then you’re right. He cheated once and now he’s going to do it again. Better to cut your losses and run. And then the other side is true. Your partner can stray (because he will...everyone does) and then realize that you were the one he wanted all along and he’ll come running back. The freedom was a good thing. It taught them a lesson. They’ve seen the competition and they’re sticking with what they’ve got. Either scenario, your man or lady is about to fuck someone else. Now what? How you really feelin’?

And if you’re an asshole like me, this season does not disappoint. Looking for messy shenanigans and people to talk about??? Oh baby, “Temptation Island” is it. These folks are horned up, in shape, wearing bad clothing that somehow is from 2005 but at the same time, how? Everyone is 23 and should dress cooler. Why do people still dress like they’re in High School Musical on these shows??! People can’t possibly wear fedora’s this often. Why do they always bust out the damn fedora as soon as they’re on vacation? Keep it in the closet all the time. There is no right time! (And I’m looking at you too ladies. This hat is canceled!)

Also, a reality romance program lives and dies by its host. And in the case of “Temptation Island” the messiest bitch of all is Mark (I should’ve changed my last name twenty years ago but I kinda like being confused for the other guy) L. Walberg. Ooooo, he lives for the drama, honey. He pokes and prods and then offers a comforting frowny face when the tears start a-flowin’. And these poor,  emotionally-exhausted saps eat it up. (I also think we must consider the humidity on the island plus all the alcohol they’re drinking as a serious cause of some of their questionable decisions.)

But for a moment, if I may get back to the psychology of the show, some questions: What are these people thinking? How is this a good idea? Are any of these couples going to make it? We know the answers. And still we watch.

We’re all just human animals who want freedom. We crave the unknown, we crave adventure, we crave newness. But relationships get monotonous, repetitive and predictable. How do we reconcile the expectation versus the reality? Maybe we should be able to explore other people before we get married. The show does have some compelling points. But should we find that out on television with? On television with no mental health support no less? I don’t think so. And y’all are seriously trippin’ if you think you are about to leave this island with your relationship (and emotional health) in tact.

And guess what? I live. Yep. I sure do. I’m a mess for it. I know that and I own that and I’m here to corrupt you. But the best part is you don’t need my corrupting because you’re already trash like me and that’s why these shows keep coming back and will continue to do so for another 15 years.

Now, in defense of us, the viewers, the trash people. There must be some tribal component to the watching of the fools. We on the outside must be bonding psychically on the other side of the TV. Is our watching of them providing us with some of the feel-good emotion that these dummies are craving from the hotties on the island? Maybe. And we’re the lazy slobs without abs, eating chips at home while these goofs get a killer tan and a break from their real lives.

Shit. The more I think about it, the more this whole show makes sense. Stupid show. Stupid me!!!!

God damnit. Now I need a relationship just so I can fuck it up and get on this thing before I’m way too old (and I’m teetering as it is!!!!).

[writinginstardust]

is nikoli request almost done? or kaz?😔

Short answer? No.

Explanation (not that I’m obligated to explain but I’m nice and considerate) if you feel so inclined to read: there’s a multitude of reasons why but i’ll try to be as succinct as possible - 

1) I have and have had A LOT on my plate at the moment 

- I’m doing a shit ton of christmas fics which yes I don’t HAVE to do but it’s something that makes me happy and other people seem to be into as well so I am and obviously they have a bit of a deadline and there’s a lot to do there

- I did fictober where I posted a fic (sometimes 2!) every day for a whole month so that took a lot of time and effort and again I didn’t have to do that but I like writing as more than a hobby and it was a challenge that I really wanted to see if I could do and did

- I’m aware some of the requests were from a bit longer ago than the last couple of months but before that I was still busy as heck preparing to move across the country, on a couple of holidays (fine yeah that’s not a busy thing but a bloody needed them), and working quite frankly insane hours (6 days a week 8-12 hour days in fastfood) and that left me so physically and mentally exhausted that writing was just like not gonna happen most of the time

- I’ve started university and I’m a film student now and it takes up soo much time both with actual classes and all the work we have to do outside of them as well

- Unfortunately I have to be a proper adult now too and everyday household chores and stuff take up a surprising amount of time when you have to do all of them yourself and also clean up after a messy flatmate if you want to do anything else

- I also do a lot of drawing and it’s something I’ve recently got back into and honestly love doing so much so that takes up some of my free time too and yes this is another thing I have no obligation to do but I’m gonna do it anyway and I’m not gonna feel bad about it potentially making me take longer to write stuff

2) Specifically in relation to Kaz, I find him really tricky to write about generally especially in a relationshipy way due to the way he is in canon and how that does not translate well into a relationship setting. It takes a lot of effort to get him right and balance all the fic stuff with not writing him ooc or ignoring his trauma and it leaves me incredibly mentally exhausted so in general I’m more likely to write stuff for other characters if I have options. He’s also just generally not my favourite character to write about

3) Most of this year the books and stuff that I’ve been in love with and most excited to make content for are new things and not the grishaverse. I still love them but there’s just so much more I can and want to do in my new fandoms

4) I’ve actually received a lot of requests for fics when I have specifically said in either my bio or my request info - which I do ask people to check every time they want to request something because it changes - that i’m not taking any requests or only for a specific fandom or prompt list. I’ve been very lenient with people and agreed to take their requests anyway but have warned them every (or nearly every) time that it will take a while before I get to them.

5) Sometimes inspiration is just hard, y’know, and a lot of the fics people have requested, especially the Kaz ones, have been particularly difficult for me to figure out a plot or way to write it because words are also tricky fickle things to wrangle

6) This, I do for fun. When I stop having fun writing a fic, I’m not gonna force myself to keep going with it then and there, I’m gonna write something that I do enjoy. “But Amy, why don’t you just say you’re not doing it?” I hear people ask and it’s for one very simple reason: I still want to, just not right then. If I ever decide that I really will never manage to finish a fic, I’ll say 

7) I hope people remember that I’m under no obligation to write a request quickly or even at all. I don’t beg for requests (except sometimes with the prompt lists when I want to write everything but know I can’t), I just give you guys the option of suggesting stories you’d like to see

> Honestly I know there’s even more stuff than that but it’s late and I’ve wasted the last hour of my evening explaining all this and I’m tired and tbh I really shouldn’t need to explain any further than that. 

> Also I’m pretty sure I’ve said a fair amount of this a number of times before but whatever. I’m also sure I mentioned that most fics would be taking a back seat to fictober and ficmas for the time being and that it was unlikely much would be posted other than those until the new year.

> If y’all want to know if a fic is done/being done and when things might be uploaded there’s several places you can check on my blog very easily: If you go to my navigation section, there’s an update schedule there which I do change when I get fics finished and plan their post date, and if I have more than the 5 slots the blog theme allows then I make a post which gets linked in my bio and you can check out my ‘currently writing’ post which I keep updated and will show what’s been started and what’s been finished but not posted

Edit: Guess who just remembered another couple of reasons some stuff isn’t done?

8) I am so incredibly lucky to get a load of mental health problems which are officially undiagnosed and going untreated because my anxiety is so bad that just the thought of actually talking to a professional about it makes me feel physically sick. So quite often my headspace is just not good at all and if it’s alright enough to write, I’m gonna write stuff that I enjoy and isn’t exhausting. (it also gets worse during autumn/winter so that’s fun for now!)

9) My physical health is like really not the best either and especially in winter and especially lately I’ve barely had a day when I haven’t felt a little unwell so writing gets pushed aside and then when I am okay and write I have to prioritise and like I’ve said before, my priorities are/were fictober and ficmas

[maximumdenial]

henlo I’m still around

things been going on in my life. Lotsa emotional heavy lifting and stuffs

Personal stuffs below (Warning: BPD-related musings)

It was somewhat transparent on my old blog, I think at least, that I at some point in my life went through a pretty rough time - actually it’s more like my entire teenagehood was a bit of a clusterfuck of problems, because I come from a non-ideal home. I was neglected a lot as a child, emotionally and physically, I switched caretakers a few times because social services took me away from my parents (my mother was mentally ill herself, psychotic, in fact) and I lived with my grandma for a while, then went back to my parents when I was 6, where I still live now.

There was a lot of emotional abuse within the family, a lot of yelling, a lot of stuff I blamed myself for as a bratty 14 year old girl, a lot of things I had never adjusted to. I’m highly dependent on having someone else take care of me (currently, I am working on it) even though I am 22. My parents managed a strange split between neglecting my needs, both emotional and physical, while also doing tasks for me that kept me in a fairly dependant state for most of my young adulthood. I’ve come to terms with much of that, I have a fairly good relationship with my father, but I often clash with my highly volatile and nearly-as-emotional-as-me mother.

The result of that was, well, a lot of time spent online, a lot of self-harm a few years ago, (although it was a lot less dramatic for me than it is for many who go through that kind of thing), a lot of relationship drama. I was and still am an extreme attention-seeker, I know that - I thrive on attention, on having people listen to my problems, it’s when it comes to fixing them that I’m kinda, uhm, lagging behind a bit. 

I developed severe Hypochondria which is debilitating when I’m not medicated, as well as social anxiety, cripplingly low self-esteem, attachment issues and -apparently - BPD. If that one therapist who didn’t want to treat my Hypochondria because she believes I should get treatment through DBT instead was correct. It’s a list of words that shouldn’t really define me as a person and sometimes I wonder if I hold onto them too much, if they hinder my efforts of recovery. I’ve grown out of the idea that recovery from past pain is impossible, because that in itself was a defense mechanism to not get hurt any further, but sometimes I still curl up into that little ball and deny all help and criticism because it’s exhausting and painful and makes me feel vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable. I want to be in control at all times, because when I control things I can’t be hurt, right? 

But a few weeks ago my social worker - who is there to help me walk through things I struggle with, like going to a specific place and getting something done - told me that letting go of that control is crucial to being able to trust, and accepting that yes, you can be hurt, but you will never make good experiences if you don’t let go of control.

I hate the thought, because I can’t ever truly trust people not to hurt me. The notion of someone I have grown attached to leaving me makes me fly off the handle. Not as bad as it used to, but it’s still there. I never really realized how little I trust even those closest to me until that moment. I thought for a long time that I’m a fairly trusting person - because God knows i don’t struggle with letting anyone know about myself and my life story. I could talk all day long about that. It’s the emotional part where it gets tricky, because we’ve come to realize that I don’t let myself get attached to people more or less on purpose, and then when I do get attached, oh boy, it gets messy. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. That behavior lies in the past now, but it will never not be a part of me.

I always have to get reassurance that I’m not hated. That what I did was good. That I didn’t hurt anyone with my words and actions. I have no faith in my continued acceptance otherwise. I expect people to lie to my face and reject me behind my back. 

That’s really not trust. That’s the opposite of trusting anyone and anything.

The thought that I have to learn to accept that I cannot know what people think about me all the time, that I can be liked without constant reassurance, and that an argument doesn’t mark the end of a relationship, it’s hard to swallow, in a way. Because these things are so real in my head, it’s like someone’s telling me that I’ve been seeing it wrong all my life and the sky is actually green, not blue.

And I guess I struggle with that lately. How do I reject what’s reality for me?

Some of the things I took as reality three years ago have since faded from my perception, like the highly limited view of relationships I had at the time. (”If I am not the most important person in x’s life, I am meaningless, no one can ever love me and our relationship means nothing.”) It sounds ridiculous now but it was utter hell to exist in. My black-white thinking is no longer as bad, though it’s still there and still being a mess to deal with a lot of the time.  The problem is that I don’t know how or why they faded. What have I done to improve my mental health? I cannot link it to a concrete cause and I just have to assume that it happened because of all these small factors coming together to slowly pull me up from the hole I had dug myself into.

I just sometimes wish I could replicate it, because I sometimes feel like I’m going nowhere regardless. Life doesn’t feel as empty as it once did and I’m not as scared to be alone, but it’s still there and when I feel vulnerable, when I feel hurt or rejected, I still lash out. It’s not pretty.

But at least I’m on a good path, even though I’m not sure how, or where exactly it’s going.

[thehappymessproject]

77-79/100 - 5 steps to train our perseverance muscle

Yesterday, I forgot to write. My daily structure is very challenged at the moment, so things slip through. Between the 75th and the 76th day of my challenge, a week passed. When I sprained my elbow and was forced to physically rest, I realised I was in great need of rest, not only physically, so I decided to take the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve off. 

Some might consider this as a failure of my 100 days project. I call it self-perseveration and know it’s key to make change last. 

Perseverance is a tricky business when it comes to us regulating ourselves. There is only one way to truly and sustainably discipline ourselves : with love. And yet, most of us use mainly self-abuse to that end. 

Here are a few steps that make it easier for me to implement change in a sustainable loving way : 

1. Start with where you’re at 

Ok, you’re imperfect. Welcome to the human club, don’t worry, we are all in the same boat. You don’t have to change at all. But if you want to, you are going to have to deal with imperfection. 

It is very important that we start from where we are at instead of dwelling on where we would want to be. I started to change my relationship with writing bit by bit. 

I started by cultivating intention : I spent a few months trying to write more. And experimented from there. I would spend more time playing with my Instagram captions, telling little stories about my art, writing 6 words prompted stories... I journaled more and more, because I learnt that journaling liberates our writing. I wrote a couple of articles for my professional blog, started a project with an artist I know.

I only started this challenge when I felt so frustrated about not writing regularly that I kept thinking about it and being mean to myself about not doing it. And after I had done earlier in the year 100 days of creative living, after doing a few yoga and art 30 days challenges to first feel that I am actually capable of persevering in anything. 

As much as I wanted to write before that, I had to accept that I had to honour my pace, respect the rhythm of my process. 

We need to make sure we start where we are at, because it’s the only way that will give us the time and space we all need to grow (in any kind of way). Trying to fast track growth actually hinders it. 

2. Taking stock : mapping our weaknesses

Ok, here is a part that is as uncomfortable as it can be empowering. To actually implement change, we need to know how we are actively sabotaging ourselves. If you think you never sabotage yourself, think again. 

Maybe we set impossible goals, leading us inevitably to “I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it”.  Maybe we spend more time thinking about things than actually doing them.  Maybe we procrastinate.  Maybe we avoid any thoughts about what matters to us.  Maybe we’re waiting for “the perfect time”.  Maybe each time we would have time and space to do something important to ourselves we end up involving ourselves in drama (yours or others’) instead. Maybe we act as if our anxiety (”what if this terrible thing would happen to me? and this one? and that?”) isn’t about stories, but actual facts.  Maybe we agonise over every details so much that we never even start, or stop ourselves midway because it’s not as we imagined it would be. Maybe we use self-deprecation and criticism until we feel so bad that we don’t even try.  Maybe we keep looking and engaging in situations we know will make us give up/fail when it gets hard.  Maybe we keep yourself so busy that we can’t even think or feel what makes you suffer.  Maybe we numb ourselves each day with TV, food or substances.  Maybe we keep finding things you “need” to do to be more prepared to do what really matters to us.  Or any of the endless list of ways humans use to avoid facing who they are, what they feel and want. 

I am myself guilty of a few of those. Most of us are when we are honest with ourselves. We also can be guilty of them, but not in every circumstance.  Like : I will use excuses to avoid exercise (”it’s going to be too hard”, “I don’t feel motivated enough”...) that I would never accept from myself in an intellectual endeavour, where I would brush it off immediately (”yes it’s scary, it’s not a reason to stall, let’s go”). 

A few questions to start you off :  What do you think are the worst things to feel or situations to be in regarding change/doing new/hard things? What do you do to avoid feeling like this, even if it means you won’t achieve what you wanted? When you tried to persevere but didn’t : how did you stop yourself? What happened exactly before you gave up?  When you tried to persevere, what personal flaws do you link to your failure to keep going?

We often think that reflecting on our weaknesses will make us feel bad and discouraged from even trying. It is actually the opposite. When we avoid facing them, they sneak up on us and devastate us. When we know how we sabotage ourselves and accept it, we then can plan how we are going to use this knowledge to our advantage.

3. Make contingency plans 

This is SO SO important. Most of us start recovery or change as if it will be this perfect learning curve, without any mistake or hardship, or the need to change the way we do things. As if motivation was the only thing that matters. 

But recovery and change are both messy businesses. And they both include to change the way we react to triggering or changing situations. 

Since I started this challenge, I had to devise a few contingency plans. Instead of essays, when I am exhausted, completely depleted or very short on times, I will often resort to make lists that are helpful to me. That’s how you will find lists of things I love, for which I am grateful for the hardest days. I will write about topics that are more comfortable and easy for me, or require less brain power. I will start a longer essay so I don’t feel pressured to even reread myself since I won’t publish. I often write essays that 750-1000 words long. When it gets really hard, I don’t force myself to do more than 500 words, the minimum I decided to write everyday for that 100 days project.

All of those alternative plans have the same function : giving me a maximum of flexibility so I can persevere in a loving way, making permanent changes instead of performing change only for a while. 

4. Cultivate mindful flexibility 

This one is very linked to the former point. Anything that is too rigid is bound to lead us to failure. Life is messy, humanity is messy, therefore change can only be messy and chaotic. 

I am not advocating for a perpetual change of goals, which is often a sign of a lack of commitment and avoidance. I am advocating for a change in the way we go towards those goals. 

I started this challenge by publishing everyday, but since I am still writing long essays, it became more and more frustrating. Until I really couldn’t finish a post one night, was almost in tears about it, and realised that I had settle to write everyday, not post everyday. I then started writing each essay in 2 to 3 days, a rhythm much more adapted to my personality and current mental health and way of writing. 

Now that I’ve done it for a few weeks in this new way, I noticed that : I love having a couple of days to write and reread myself, but I also love to strive towards writing shorter essays. Both ways taught me important things about myself and my process, and by accepting to change “the rules”, I made sure to learn way more than by forcing myself into one unique way of doing it. 

That’s also why I chose to take a week off for the holidays : my last 100 days project left me exhausted and depleted. I clearly pushed myself too hard. I wanted to see what would happen to my momentum if I listened to my fatigue and made my process more flexible. I am so happy I did, the last month of the challenge feels so much more enriching that way (even if it was indeed a bit hard to go back at it). 

Each time we focus more on how we want those challenges to help us become the person we really want to be and to grow instead of solely focusing on the challenge, we make those structures work for us, instead of the opposite, we make those processes more human. 

5. Make it easy to get to the finish line

This challenge was so important to me, I wanted to write everyday about my job so badly, that of course, it was really scary to do so. As exciting as it could also be, and as satisfying as it can get get, doing things that matter to us carry a strong emotional charge.

Because of that, the more important something is to us, the more resistance we are probably going to have to fight on the way. Facing resistance can get really hard. We need to make sure we are loving towards ourselves to resist resistance on the long run.

If you want to set goals, start small, always. If I had tried this 100 days project even a few months before, I would have failed miserably. I created mini challenges and wrote about so many things I liked before this, for years actually. 

I didn’t set up for writing as much as I coud everyday when I planned this challenge. I chose instead a minimum number of words I thought would be doable on a very long term. 500 words takes me about 20-50mn per day, that seemed doable for me given my lifestyle (see #1). If I would have experienced a lot of difficulties, I would have cut the word-count to 250 words, less if necessary. It was more important to find ways to stick to it than to have an actual number of words down everyday.

And all those former points making it easier for me absolutely made it possible on the way. When we take on challenges as if we need to be perfect, we make failure happen each and every time. Those challenges, or anything we want to persevere doing on the long term will make us face our deeply human imperfection. 

Perseverance is hard because it asks us to face ourselves, often with a focus on our least favourite parts of ourselves. 

When we don’t take it easy, all this discomfort will force us to quit, burnt out and disappointed because we did ask too much of ourselves.  When we make it easier, we face our imperfection and tells it “it’s ok to be the way you are, now let’s find a way to make it work”. 

By persevering in a loving way, we learn to love ourselves just as we are, perfectly human and therefore imperfect. We also make our dreams happen, even if most of them will include fear, discomfort and hardship. One step at the time. 

Each mini goal we set up to attain and actually did will make us feel stronger, more confident and trusting our ability to create a life for ourselves that we actually enjoy. 

So... What are you going to work with next?

See you soon,  Love,  L. 

[agnesgoesadventuring-blog]

(1) I've been avoiding sending this cause I'm afraid it'll stir up shit but I really want to address it. A lot, even most of the people I know who ship widomauk are neurodivergent, mentally ill, and/or queer men. I know several who can check all those boxes and many more who can check at least a few (I can). And I find for a lot of us, the stuff others complain about being "romanticizing, fetishizing, etc" are us indulging our own fantasies about these issues.

(2) I’m not saying those with complaints are wrong. Things that are healing for some can be toxic to others and vice versa. I just don’t want the issue to be reduced to “cishet neurotypical women fetishizing a mentally ill queer male character” when sometimes it’s a case of people who relate to Caleb and his issues using his character to indulge their own fantasies of finding love and having all their problems go away. It’s unrealistic, but most fantasies are, it’s in their nature.

I took my time answering this because the line between presenting what I know as a psychology student and what I’m saying approaching the line of diagnosing or attempting to treat the person I’m talking to can be very tricky and blurry. I’m going to be pretty clinical in my language and presentation for a lot of this as a means of simply presenting facts.

There are two things I’m going to note here.

The first is that not all means of coping and catharsis are actually healthy in the long run. In fact, a lot of ways that people end up coping with things and seeking catharsis are incredibly unhealthy and harmful not just to themselves but to others.

In general, fantasy coping mechanisms aren’t particularly healthy. It’s classified as a Level II Immature Defense, based on avoiding the reality of the situation in a way that can provide short term relief but more harm in long term healthy coping, especially if it’s a continual behavior.

Coping mechanisms are separated into different categories. The two broad categories are “mature” and “immature”, with mature defenses being healthy means of coping that don’t lead to long term harmful outcomes and that allow people to engage in healthy behaviors in the present, such as humor, altruism, and sublimation. Immature defenses are things like projection and fantasy. Those broad categories are then broken down into four more specific categories.

Level I Psychotic/Pathological Defenses are coping mechanisms that are common in children and people suffering from mental illnesses involving psychosis. These defenses are about basically restructuring external experiences to create a reality where coping with these problems is unneeded. These are behaviors that will generally look “crazy” to outside observers. The two major defenses in this category are delusional projection and distortion, which are all about changing reality into what they want it to be in order for them to not have to deal with the issues they’re trying to cop with.

Level II Immature Defenses are present in both children and adults. They’re about the temporary relief of distress and anxiety presented by an uncomfortable reality (trauma, mental illness, grief, etc.). These are common defenses for things like depression and various personality disorders. Their use as a means of any form of continued coping is unhealthy as they’re about separating oneself from their issues. Passive aggressive behavior, projection, and fantasy are among the more common immature defenses.

Level III Neurotic Defenses are most common in adults, and are strongly based in denying and ignoring issues and pain. As such, they also have short term benefits, but lead to long term problems in many different facets of life. Neurotic defenses include displacement, dissociation, and repression.

Level IV Mature Defenses are healthy coping mechanisms that foster successful ways of dealing with issues and pain, and allow for the development of strong relationships and behaviors. They include altruism, anticipation, emotional self regulation, respect, mindfulness, and sublimation.

The process of coping and healing is messy, and it’s rare that you’re going to find someone who’s capable of utilizing Level IV defenses at the earliest stages. But the healthiest use of the defenses in other levels is the recognition of their long term unhealthiness with the goal of ceasing those behaviors and developing into healthier ones.

To put it all far more simply, just because someone says it’s a means of coping doesn’t mean it’s good or healthy.

Which brings us into the second point, which is that when something we’re using as a coping or defense mechanism is hurtful and harmful to other people, that usually means it’s time to start seeking different means of coping. Usually if our coping mechanisms and behaviors are harmful and hurtful to other people, that’s a pretty good sign that it’s not a healthy coping mechanism.

Recognizing that and seeking means of coping that don’t hurt others can, in and of itself, be something that does a lot of good in the coping process. Not just because it makes us seek out behaviors that are healthier, but because it appeals to our empathy and allows us to think of others, which is always an important part of coping and recovery. One of the most vital things to remember when we’re suffering is that our desire to feel better does not outweigh other people’s health and safety, and that if what we’re doing to feel better is putting other people’s health and safety at risk, then we need to find different ways to make ourself feel better. Both because it’s just not okay to throw people under the bus for our own needs, but also because any means of coping that hurts others is ultimately not going to be effective in the long term, as the fact that we’ve caused harm to people is yet another thing we’re going to have to learn to deal with and confront.

There are a lot of ways of coping, and unfortunately not all of them are healthy. Unfortunately, a lot of them can do harm to both ourselves and others. So when the topic of discussion is something that is hurting other people and/or contributing to societal and cultural mindsets that harm people, “this is how I cope” isn’t something that excuses it, because not only does it still hurt other people, it might be something that’s hurting you, too.

[phynxrizng]

DAILY ASTROLOGY REPORTS AND HOROSCOPES FOR, 2-3-18

Astrology Cafe Daily Astrology ABOUT TODAY DAILY MONTHLY CHART You are here: Home / Daily Astrology / Astrology of Today – Saturday, February 3, 2018 Astrology of Today – Saturday, February 3, 2018 Feb 1, 2018 by Annie Leave a Comment  The Moon is in Virgo until 4:46 PM, after which the Moon is in Libra. The Moon is void from 2:06 AM to 4:46 PM. The Moon is waning and in its Full Moon phase until 4:48 PM, after which the Moon is in its Waning Gibbous phase. The Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse occurred on January 31st in the sign of Leo, and the Last Quarter Moon will occur on February 7th. **Times are Eastern Standard Time (EST). Daily Astro Highlights for each Sign: Aries  Aries Watch for unusual reactions to others’ opinions early today, dear Aries. It’s quite fine to be disturbed by an opinion that is extremely different than your own, but today, there can be other underlying issues stimulated that need to be separated from what’s actually happening in order for you to deal with them appropriately. Watch that you don’t let out your frustrations on the job or in the public eye. Take the high road, but also aim to confront any emerging anger or tension. Fortunately, your ruler Mars also forms a sextile to Mercury, and this helps you channel your energies more constructively. As well, you’re expressing yourself with more confidence and vigor, and this helps you assert yourself effectively. The major key to successful communications today is positivity. Grab any opportunity that arises now that pulls you out of your usual routine and adds a dash of adventure to your life. Problem-solving or active involvement with a friend or group can figure strongly. Taurus  Taurus Early today, you can be especially resistant in the face of someone who might seem to be pushing or pressuring you, dear Taurus. You are in no mood to be manipulated — not that you ever are, but today, you are especially sensitive to tricky power dynamics. Confrontations engaged in now are likely to be no-win situations, so choose your battles wisely. Fortunately, you’re quick to tap into the supportive energies of the day. You have the stamina and energy to accomplish a lot now and your x-ray vision is strong, which is especially good for business moves or strategies for general life direction and next steps. It’s rather easy to drum up support for what you’re doing and saying when you’re acting positively and confidently. Gemini  Gemini It’s easy for you to become completely absorbed in your personal interests or even a relationship now, dear Gemini. People in your life can take you on a rollercoaster ride today, however. Keep in mind that you can choose not to get on, as difficult as this may be! Everything seems a little larger than life early today. Conserve your energy and aim to be helpful, useful, and productive. Others can challenge you, but what matters most is how you respond. If you do need to get frustrations out into the open, however, even though this can be a messy time to do so, you may need this extra nudge to air out problems. You have a Mercury-Mars aspect on your side today. You are motivated to pursue a learning endeavor or further a mental interest. This is a time for putting ideas into action, sharing thoughts and beliefs, and strengthening alliances through positive, encouraging communication. Cancer  Cancer You have more energy for work and health routines these days, dear Cancer, but you may disagree with someone close to you about methods or approaches today. Do your best not to lock horns with others now. For some, this energy can stir up frustrations over any imbalances of power in a relationship, and while it can emerge in a disruptive way, it can also serve to push a problem area into your awareness. The minor difficult energy with you today can help you to turn around a problem area in your life, ultimately. Helping you with this is a Mercury-Mars aspect that favors supporting others through practical help, or for receiving this kind of help. It’s also a great time for work and research, as you can feel more motivated than usual. You might become more aware of the need to take charge of health and fitness matters. Leo  Leo Early today, watch for latching onto an idea and pushing it without budging, dear Leo. It may temporarily feel as if you’re protecting or gaining something as you do so, but you’ll be in a better position if you aim to grow through your conversations. Circumstances or people can almost seem to be riling you up and stimulating hidden anger, particularly in your love and working relationships. However, this energy is about getting you into better touch with your heart’s desire. You might also be feeling driven to express your deeper feelings creatively or artistically, and this would be a good way to channel frustrations or anger – by creating something stirring. A Mercury-Mars aspect today helps you tackle difficult problems or take on a mental challenge. You are ready to act on your ideas, and although you’re self-motivated now, a partner or special someone can be encouraging as well. Virgo  Virgo There can be some tension early today revolving around memories or reminders of a frustrating past matter, dear Virgo. Reactions to frustrations can lead to confrontations. With respect involved, the results can very well be positive, but it can be a big old mess otherwise. Questions of ownership and power may be at the heart of frustrations experienced now. Aim to put resentment behind you by boldly addressing problem areas. Helping you with this goal is a Mercury-Mars aspect today. You can be driven to put an idea into action or to pursue a line of thought today, especially if it’s related to family, home, health, and work. This can be a time of organizing or reorganizing, and you’ll find it easier to get through things quickly and efficiently. Illuminating conversations can be had at your workplace or with people you deal with on a daily basis. Libra  Libra Early today, there may be some tension or power plays in your interactions, dear Libra, but it’s a temporary –and possibly motivating — disruption. There can be a battle going on within, and it might seem that almost anything can set you off. There is a tendency to become very frustrated if others are not seeing things the way you want them to. However, no matter how hard you argue, you may be only fighting yourself, ultimately, and your own vulnerability, as anger is a defense mechanism used so that we don’t have to feel hurt or rejection. Use extra boosts of energy to fix problems, work enthusiastically at your projects or current interests, and look for ways to clear up clutter in your life. Fix what you can and avoid stressing over the things that you cannot. If hidden anger is stirred, perhaps it’s a good thing to get it out in the open. Fortunately, you’re able to put a creative spin on whatever you’re doing, and decisions tend to be quick but practical as well. It’s a great time to take care of business or get clarity on a matter. Scorpio  Scorpio You can be filled with conviction early today, dear Scorpio, but there could be some disagreements about money or valuables. For some, this energy plays out on a non-material level, and you may be feeling a somewhat protective need to defend yourself and your self-respect. Others can seem a little controlling now, and this can be frustrating. You could feel the sudden need to test someone’s trustworthiness, but try to control impulses to manipulate or to investigate a little too deeply. Once you cross a certain line, it’s hard to come back! However, there is also divine energy with you today for healthy assertiveness, particularly as the day advances. You are willing to take the lead to get things done, but you’re also conscious of others’ input and needs. It’s a good time for solving problems at home or with business. Hopeful and optimistic feelings revolve around work matters and living conditions. This is a favorable time to work on a budget or to talk about finances and strategies. Sagittarius  Sagittarius With Mars in your sign and intensified by a minor but challenging aspect to Pluto, dear Sagittarius, your ambition is stimulated, but so is your anger if things are not going as well as you’d like. Try not to push others as you seek your own answers. There can be impatience and agitation over resources or money, or there could be a sense that you’re not treated with the respect you feel you deserve. Changes are needed, but it may be too early to identify exactly what needs to transform and grow. Observe and learn, and then take your time putting things together. Mars also receives a supportive aspect from Mercury today, and tapping into this energy can be very gratifying. It’s a good time for personal magnetism and influence, and it may be something you say or do that magnetizes opportunities to you. It’s a good day for making a proposal or presenting an idea. Be firm but positive for best results. You can more successfully put a plan into action today. Particularly with a recent Lunar Eclipse in your communications zone, an idea that you’ve been working on might blossom now. Capricorn  Capricorn If others seem to want you to prove yourself this morning, dear Capricorn, you may get better results if you quietly refuse to stoop to that level. Try to let go of a desire to control the smallest details, as this ultimately works against you. Some resentments can surface, seemingly out of nowhere, but in fact, they’re coming from deep within. Even issues that you may have thought were ancient history could surface under moments of duress. Don’t let them rule your behavior, but don’t ignore them either — if they’re returning, then they’re not truly gone. Your good humor can help you rise above it. As well, a Mercury-Mars aspect today supplies good energy for healing activities, as you are drawn to activities that are regenerative. It’s a good time for gaining new information through study and observation. You can more easily focus your mind and prioritize. You are ready to take on intellectual challenges, and your problem-solving skills are above par. Tricky issues or ideas can be tackled now with greater ease. Aquarius  Aquarius With a tense aspect between Mars and Pluto early today, dear Aquarius, you may be somewhat thin-skinned for now. Events tend to bring your need for impartiality and some emotional detachment to the surface. Frustrations with friends or long-term goals can surface somewhat disruptively, but the good news is that you’re in an improved position to identify those things you may have buried. You can also feel quite motivated to resolve problems so that you can move forward. It’s unusually straightforward to make a friend or to enjoy a current friendship, however, with positivity, boldness, and as you let go of the need to know or control. Express yourself and stay flexible — be spontaneous if you feel right about something in your heart. This can be a time of lending someone a hand or acting upon an idea with much satisfaction, in fact. Pisces  Pisces While the day should be quite useful for practical affairs, dear Pisces, interactions can be a little tricky early today. Pressing for an answer when you are not ready for one is bad news right now, so aim to steer clear of this. Know yourself and your boundaries before digging too deeply. You may want to avoid power games with people in your life, and especially friends and those in authority. When it comes to people today, it’s not the time to push or to be pushed! However, it’s just fine for driving a project forward. In fact, with a Mercury-Mars influence, you can feel considerably more optimistic and ready for action. You are motivated to fulfill your duties, and then some, and the positive feedback only serves to encourage you further. You may efficiently read between the lines, draw upon experience, or uncover information now that helps you advance. * Remember to read horoscopes for your Ascendant sign and Sun sign. If you don’t know your Ascendant sign (and you know your birth time), you can look it up here. Above are astrological event highlights for the day. Full Horoscopes are on Cafe Astrology. If Your Birthday is February 3rd, If Today is Your Birthday full horoscope here. Astrology of Today – The Details: If you’re astrologically inclined and interested in the details of the Astrology of today, here are some of the factors considered in the forecasts (for the astrology of the week, see This Week in Astrology): Planet Color Key: The longer the bar, the slower the aspecting planet and the longer the duration of the planet’s transit.     Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 4:46 pm Event: Moon enters Libra Description: The Moon in Libra This is a time for seeking out balance, harmony, and peace. It’s also a time to express emotions gracefully, diplomatically, and considerately. There could be a stronger focus on a relationship, partner, or potential partner. The ability to see both sides of a situation or story is a positive, but indecision can be a byproduct. This is a sociable, artistic Moon. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 2:06 am Event: Moon goes void of course Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 0:02 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Qnx Ven Description: Transiting Moon Quincunx Transiting Venus Love relationships or feelings can be unsettled. There can be a conflict experienced between family and friends/lovers, or between comfort and the pursuit of pleasure. Try to relax and not obsess, and show restraint. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 0:36 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Qnx Jun Description: Transiting Moon Quincunx Transiting Juno There can be some inclination to manipulate others to further our own goals, which should be avoided. There may be indecision regarding feelings about a relationship. Alternatively, there can be a conundrum regarding family and a relationship. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 2:06 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Sxt Jup Description: Transiting Moon Sextile Transiting Jupiter A great time to take up new feel-good opportunities. Show your confidence and optimism and reap the rewards. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 8:08 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Qnx Ura Description: Transiting Moon Quincunx Transiting Uranus There can be vague insecurity stimulated now, as we feel a little out of control faced with unpredictable events or feelings. There may be a conflict between a desire for familiarity and comfort, and the need for a change or excitement. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 9:37 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon SSq Cer Description: Transiting Moon SemiSquare Transiting Ceres Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 9:39 am Event: Tr-Tr Mon Opp Chi Description: Transiting Moon Opposition Transiting Chiron Hurt feelings are opportunities for healing. Now is the time to build bridges rather than burning them. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 4:40 pm Event: Tr-Tr Mon SSq Nod Description: Transiting Moon SemiSquare Transiting North Node There may be the need to pause to adjust things before moving plans forward. We could feel at odds with others on an emotional level. Public relations are not as favorable now. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 4:46 pm Event: Tr-Na Mon Cnj Lib Description: Transiting Moon Entering Libra This is a time for seeking out balance, harmony, and peace. It’s also a time to express emotions gracefully, diplomatically, and considerately. There could be a stronger focus on a relationship, partner, or potential partner. The ability to see both sides of a situation or story is a positive, but indecision can be a byproduct. This is a sociable, artistic Moon. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 4:48 pm Event: Tr-Tr Mon Sqq Sun Description: Transiting Moon SesquiSquare Transiting Sun What we feel and what we think we should do can be at odds with one another temporarily. There can be discontent or indecisiveness. We could be feeling out of sorts. Tensions will pass. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 2:59 pm Event: Tr-Tr Sun Cpl Nod Description: Transiting Sun ContraParallel Transiting North Node Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 3:00 pm Event: Tr-Tr Sun Opp Nod Description: Transiting Sun Opposition Transiting North Node This may correlate with a need to let go of a project, relationship, attitude, or conditions that have now become troublesome, outdated, or counterproductive. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 10:23 pm Event: Tr-Tr Sun Pll Ves Description: Transiting Sun Parallel Transiting Vesta Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 5:08 am Event: Tr-Tr Mer Sqr Pal Description: Transiting Mercury Square Transiting Pallas There can be mental tension and disorganization, making this a difficult time to get a clear message across. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 10:57 am Event: Tr-Tr Mer Sxt Mar Description: Transiting Mercury Sextile Transiting Mars Decisiveness. Mental assertiveness. Honesty. Practical solutions. Technical skills. Fast work, rapid progress. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 9:44 am Event: Tr-Tr Ven Cnj Jun Description: Transiting Venus Conjunction Transiting Juno We are seeking out equal, fair, and balanced relationships. There can be a stronger inclination towards togetherness and sharing, creating harmony, and sharing power. We may gain advantage in business or finances now. We might also gain advantage by promoting harmony and beauty. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 7:45 am Event: Tr-Tr Mar SSq Plu Description: Transiting Mars SemiSquare Transiting Pluto We may be looking for the upper hand and resisting others’ control. Resentments come to the surface. Our desires are intense and difficult to satisfy. A tendency to bully and confront may dominate. Date & Time: Feb 3 2018 8:14 am Event: Tr-Tr Chi Sqq Cer Description: Transiting Chiron SesquiSquare Transiting Ceres There can be a tendency to dwell on past problems, and to hypersensitivity about possible rejection. Strong Signs, Elements, Modes BALANCE OF SIGNS VIRGO STRONG Meticulous, discriminating, pure, practical, health conscious, hard working. Can be hyper-critical, petty and perfectionistic. AQUARIUS STRONG Humanitarian, innovative, group conscious, progressive, serving others. Can be rebellious, eccentric, aloof, emotionally superficial, overly extroverted. BALANCE OF ELEMENTS AIR STRONG We tend to favor rational, objective thought over emotions, impulses, and feelings at this time. We are more intellectual, fair-minded, and logical in our approach, Ideas flow easily and quickly, we are more communicative and guided by principles, and also somewhat dispassionate or impersonal. WATER WEAK There may be some insensitivity or lack of empathy now. We may be out of touch with what we’re feeling or with our emotional needs. We may be tougher than usual now, and more inclined to follow mental or practical considerations than we are to listen to our intuition. BALANCE OF MODES The modes are balanced. LUNAR PHASE: FULL MOON Moon 180 to 135 degrees behind the Sun. We are concerned mainly with the nature of relationships and are made aware of recent imbalances. Something can come to fruition. Our concern is not limited to personal relationships, but relationships of all kinds. Our cards are on the table. The following aspects (major only) and positions are at noon (EST) on February 3rd: Note that when an aspect is applying, it has not yet happened but is within orb – it’s pending. When an aspect is separating, it has already happened/perfected and is moving away from the aspect. Depending on the speed of the planet/body involved, the aspect will have perfected–or will perfect–in a matter of hours (often the case with the Moon), days, months, and possibly years in the case of the very slow-moving outer planets and bodies. Note that the Moon moves at a rate of approximately one degree every 2 hours so that if an aspect involving the Moon is applying and has an orb of 5 degrees, the aspect will perfect (be exact) in about 10 hours. If the Moon is separating from an aspect with an orb of 2 degrees, it has already formed said aspect approximately 4 hours ago (since the following are positions at noon today, then it would have occurred at about 8 AM today). **I suggest paying close attention to applying aspects. The energy of the aspect builds as it gets closer to exact. Once an aspect involving inner planets has happened, it’s over. Separating aspects are good to know for context, but in terms of energy that is with us today, applying aspects are most important. (This is the case for daily astrology influences involving inner planets, which pass quickly, and not natal astrology aspects, which are with us for a lifetime). THE MOON THE MOON IN VIRGO We have an emotional need for order with the Moon in Virgo. Diet, nutrition, health matters, work, and routines are in stronger focus. If we’re feeling out of sorts emotionally, we might also experience symptoms on a physical level now. 28TH DEGREE OF VIRGO Part of Body: Hepatic plexus Sabian Symbol: A bald-headed man dominates gathering of national figures. ASPECTS OF THE MOON TRINE MERCURY Orb 7°48′ Applying Our hearts or emotional needs and our minds seem to be cooperating, and we are able to communicate effectively. It’s a good time for publicity, marketing, writing, and studying. OPPOSITION CHIRON Orb 1°21′ Separating We may be projecting our own issues onto others now, and could be defensive or feel that others are insensitive to our feelings and needs. We might experience a conflict between wanting to be close to others and desiring to prove our independence, making intimacy a challenge right now. THE SUN THE SUN IN AQUARIUS You are unconventional, friendly, unpredictable and innovative. You like originality and may become rebellious. 15TH DEGREE OF AQUARIUS Part of Body: Lymph vessels of right lower leg Sabian Symbol: Two lovebirds sitting on a fence. ASPECTS OF THE SUN CONJUNCTION MERCURY Orb 9°45′ Applying Thoughts and communications about ourselves and our goals. We are expressing ourselves confidently, directly, and clearly. CONJUNCTION VENUS Orb 6°04′ Separating We take pride in our ability to relate well with others or to smooth over differences now. Graciousness, diplomacy, charm, and some superficiality are themes. This is a good period for social affairs, pleasure, amusement, and romance, all things considered. SQUARE JUPITER Orb 6°42′ Applying There can be exaggerated good moods or a tendency to go over the top now. Clashes of ego can occur. CONJUNCTION THE SOUTH NODE Orb 0°07′ Applying In past lives you have not expressed yourself to your greatest potential. In this life you are being challenged to use these talents. You have been given a second chance. MERCURY MERCURY IN AQUARIUS You are brimming with original and unique ideas. You enjoy exchanging ideas with other people, particularly friends and groups of people. You are an inventive thinker, and may rebel against old and traditional ideas. 6TH DEGREE OF AQUARIUS Part of Body: Nerve of left fibula Sabian Symbol: A performer of a mystery play. ASPECTS OF MERCURY SEXTILE MARS Orb 0°02′ Separating You are a quick learner and can be perceptive. VENUS VENUS IN AQUARIUS You enjoy unconventional and odd relationships, which give you the freedom to express your individuality. You enjoy talking more than touching. You enjoy being in a group of friends. 21ST DEGREE OF AQUARIUS Part of Body: Spinal nervous system Sabian Symbol: A woman disappointed and disillusioned. ASPECTS OF VENUS SQUARE JUPITER Orb 0°37′ Applying We are easily distracted, craving pleasure or leisure. We may be overdoing things, overselling ourselves, overbuying, or overstating our affections. There can be a lack of self-discipline now. However, we can also push ourselves to reach a little further than we usually do, particularly on a social level. OPPOSITION THE NORTH NODE Orb 5°57′ Separating We may be re-evaluating relationships in terms of whether or not they are contributing to our personal growth. There could be some superficiality in our interactions now. CONJUNCTION THE SOUTH NODE Orb 5°57′ Separating We may be re-evaluating relationships in terms of whether or not they are contributing to our personal growth. There could be some superficiality in our interactions now. MARS MARS IN SAGITTARIUS You are an inspirational leader, and have a strong desire for exploration and adventure. You may be one-pointed in your desires. 6TH DEGREE OF SAGITTARIUS Part of Body: Left femoral artery Sabian Symbol: A game of cricket. JUPITER JUPITER IN SCORPIO You are on an intense search for the truth. You have strong desires for sexual union and joint enterprises. You could be a transformative teacher. 22ND DEGREE OF SCORPIO Part of Body: Ethmoid bone Sabian Symbol: Hunters starting out for ducks. ASPECTS OF JUPITER SEXTILE PLUTO Orb 1°37′ Separating You have a chance to achieve a great deal. Your knowledge is broad as you are interested in so many things. You may make a career in the occult or studying the deepest mysteries of life. TRINE CHIRON Orb 4°21′ Applying You have the gift of wisdom. You trust your own intuitive nature, and are able to teach others on the spiritual path. You are able to encompass other people’s personal philosophies without feeling threatened, so that others trust you with their spiritual problems. SATURN SATURN IN CAPRICORN You are conservative and authoritarian, and have strong worldly ambitions. You are a responsible worker. 6TH DEGREE OF CAPRICORN Part of Body: Right adductor muscle Sabian Symbol: A dark archway and ten logs at the bottom. URANUS URANUS IN ARIES The urge to start fresh, to break free from restrictive attitudes or circumstances, to totally redesign an area of our lives (or even our personalities), and to gain freedom through independence is strong during this cycle. (May 27, 2010, to August 13, 2010, then March 11th, 2011, to May 15, 2018, then November 6, 2018, to March 6, 2019). 26TH DEGREE OF ARIES Part of Body: Skull Sabian Symbol: A man possessed of more gifts than he can hold. ASPECTS OF URANUS SQUARE PLUTO Orb 5°06′ Applying A time for making sweeping changes and for adapting to changes in order to progress. This is a time for revising, altering, overhauling, and purging. We can experience tension, fear, and pressure, but also a sense of liberation from over-attachments and situations that have been holding us back from growth. NEPTUNE NEPTUNE IN PISCES A long-term influence in which fantasy, imagination, compassion, and spirituality are in stronger focus. (April 4, 2011, to August 4, 2011, then February 3, 2012, to March 30, 2025, then October 22, 2025, to January 26, 2026) 13TH DEGREE OF PISCES Part of Body: Plantar artery of left foot Sabian Symbol: A sword in a museum. PLUTO PLUTO IN CAPRICORN Tests of our boundaries; breaking down and rebuilding structures and rules. (From January 25, 2008, to June 14, 2008, then November 26, 2008, to March 23, 2023, then June 11, 2023, to January 20, 2024, then September 1, 2024, to November 19, 2024). 20TH DEGREE OF CAPRICORN Part of Body: Tendons of right knee Sabian Symbol: A hidden choir singing. Chiron, Major Asteroids, and Moon’s Nodes: in Sign and in Aspect CHIRON CHIRON IN PISCES Strong awareness of our own vulnerabilities and humanity stimulates compassion for others. (April 20 to July 20, 2010, then February 8, 2011, to April 17, 2018, then September 25, 2018, to February 18, 2019). 26TH DEGREE OF PISCES Part of Body: Plantar nerves Sabian Symbol: A new moon that divides its influences. VESTA IN SAGITTARIUS You have the ability to work relentlessly for a cause in which you believe. You need to make sure you do not exclude other people’s points of view. You have visions and enjoy the adventure of discovery in your work. 10TH DEGREE OF SAGITTARIUS Part of Body: Left lymphatic vessels Sabian Symbol: A stage symbolization of the “goddess of opportunity”. PALLAS PALLAS IN TAURUS You have the ability to see the beauty in nature and the arts. You have much common sense and wisdom. You may become involved in either healing with your hands, or healing the earth through environmental movements. 5TH DEGREE OF TAURUS Part of Body: Pharyngeal cavity Sabian Symbol: A widow at an open grave. JUNO JUNO IN AQUARIUS You want the freedom to be your own person in your relationship. If this is not available you become rebellious and unreliable. You are unlikely to be comfortable in a traditional relationship. 21ST DEGREE OF AQUARIUS Part of Body: Spinal nervous system Sabian Symbol: A woman disappointed and disillusioned. CERES CERES IN LEO You feel cared for when other people play with you and praise you. You like to show others you care for them by encouraging their creative talents and sense of fun. 11TH DEGREE OF LEO Part of Body: Subclavian veins Sabian Symbol: Children on a swing in a huge oak tree. THE NORTH NODE THE NORTH NODE IN LEO This a quest to develop your inner strength. You may find that you experience times of loneliness. These times are part of your lesson to forge your own creative life in order to give generously to the world. 15TH DEGREE OF LEO Part of Body: Right atrium Sabian Symbol: A street pageant. THE SOUTH NODE THE SOUTH NODE IN AQUARIUS This a quest to develop your inner strength. You may find that you experience times of loneliness. These times are part of your lesson to forge your own creative life in order to give generously to the world. 15TH DEGREE OF AQUARIUS Part of Body: Lymph vessels of right lower leg Sabian Symbol: Two lovebirds sitting on a fence. **Conjunctions to Select Fixed Stars on February 3, 2018** Aspects to Ves 09°Sg00 -16°14′ Cnj 10°Sg00 ANTARES *** Success which can be obsessive Aspects to Nod 14°Le56 +16°21′ Cnj 15°Le27 DUBHE Loving but forceful SHARE THIS: EmailFacebookTwitterTumblrGoogleReddit Filed Under: Daily Astrology, Today  « Astrology of Today – Friday, February 2, 2018Astrology of Today – Sunday, February 4, 2018 » Leave a Reply   Search this website … Search Cafe Astrology Cafe Astrology Home Cafe Astrology Free Reports Recent Astrology of Today – Monday, February 5, 2018 Astrology of Today – Sunday, February 4, 2018 Astrology of Today – Saturday, February 3, 2018 Astrology of Today – Friday, February 2, 2018 Astrology of Today – Thursday, February 1, 2018 In this post Full Moon‌ Last Quarter Moon‌ The Moon is waning‌ The Moon is void‌ Tags Jupiter Neptune transit Mars-Pluto transit Mars Chiron transit Mars Jupiter transit Mars Neptune transit Mars Pluto transit Mars Saturn transit Mars Uranus transit Mercury Chiron transit Mercury Jupiter transit Mercury Mars transit Mercury Neptune transit Mercury Pluto transit Mercury Saturn transit Mercury semi-square Venus Mercury square Mars Mercury square Neptune Mercury square Pluto Mercury square Uranus Mercury trine Pluto Mercury Uranus transit Mercury Venus transit Sun Chiron transit Sun conjunct Mercury Sun Jupiter transit Sun Mars transit Sun Mercury transit Sun Neptune transit Sun Pluto transit Sun Saturn transit Sun sextile Jupiter Sun sextile Saturn Sun square Neptune Sun trine Neptune Sun Uranus transit Venus-Mars transit Venus Chiron transit Venus Jupiter transit Venus Mars transit Venus Neptune transit Venus Pluto transit Venus Saturn transit Venus square Saturn Venus square Uranus Venus Uranus transit  Previous  Subscribe via Email Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email. Email Address Email Address Subscribe Current Planetary Positions 2/3/2018 8:26:25 PM Sun 15° Aquarius 17' 39" Moon 03° Libra 48' 27" Mercury 05° Aquarius 49' 47" Venus 21° Aquarius 29' 32" Mars 05° Sagittarius 17' 58" Jupiter 21° Scorpio 34' 22" Saturn 05° Capricorn 09' 13" Uranus 25° Aries 01' 29" Neptune 12° Pisces 53' 16" Pluto 19° Capricorn 55' 15" Chiron 25° Pisces 54' 40" TrueNode 14° Leo 56' 17" R Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Email Address Email Address Subscribe Categories  Archives  February 2018 M T W T F S S « Jan 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 Copyright © 2018 · Astrology Cafe by Cafe Astrology

[dizexplainstheuniverse]

Internet dating in the apocalypse.

Ok, I know – I know. We’re experiencing a pandemic, NOT the apocalypse… However, a lot of what I’m currently feeling right now is very reminiscent of the depths of deep personal crisis and struggles with my mental health (particularly of those teenage years) which for me, is about as apocalyptic as it gets.

If like me, you make a habit of falling in love with strangers, internet dating can be tricky at the best of times. My insecure attachment and subsequent relational patterns play out in such a way that I can sometimes go F.U.C.K.I.N.G crazy when dating a new person whose desire I am desperate for. They’re charming, sweet and hot as hell – of course you want their attention. Though if needing their attention so badly causes you absolute despair when they take more than 20 minutes to message you back – you know you’re in trouble.

We all know that instant messaging is a messy and incoherent way to communicate, yet for some of us, we find safety and validation in the incessant stream of the scroll. Re-reading messages, finding the hidden meaning, projecting our hopes, fears and desires onto every full stop. Rationally, we know this is dumb. But, we’re addicted to the screen. I mean, that in itself is a whole other essay, so for the sake of my current sanity I’m just going to stick with the whirl-winding, universe colliding, falling into infinity thing.

So, it’s clear messaging is a shitty way to communicate, and if navigating a new relationship is the most complex thing in the entire ether – why the fuck do we insist on doing it?

Some of you might be familiar with the term NRE – New Relationship Energy. The potent cocktail of delicious chemicals that flood our brains and bodies when we’re tuned in, turned on and fancy the fucking pants off someone new. NRE refers to a state of mind experienced at the beginning of sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual feelings and excitement. We just can’t get enough, and that’s totally understandable – there’s literally a whole bunch of biochemical processes happening in our brains. The culprit? Serotonin. Moreover, a lack of. And since attraction and falling in love is usually marked by your brain reducing its serotonin uptake, if you’re someone who’s struggled with depression, drugs or alcohol, sex addiction, or you’re an adrenaline junkie… this may feel all too familiar. Serotonin is responsible for many body functions, including making you feel “full” or “satisfied” after eating and having sex, which is why low serotonin can be linked to many unpleasant phenomena. Falling in love can feel like you are “addicted” to the other person. You get the dopamine high when you’re around them, but without the dose of serotonin to make you feel satisfied. Dedeker Winston describes this with perfection:

“Your lips are locked with someone you’ve been wanting to kiss for a while now. You’re overwhelmed with sensation: their smell, their taste, the warmth of their body pressed against yours. Later on, after you say your goodbyes and start heading home, your heart may still be racing and your hands may still be shaky, but you feel as if you could fly. When you get home and get into bed, it’s hours before you can fall asleep. You feel too awake and energized. Over the next days and weeks, it’s extremely difficult to keep yourself from texting your new crush every ten minutes even though it feels excruciating waiting for them to text you back. When you see their name pop up in your phone notifications, you feel a flutter in your chest.”

All this is well and good if you’re able to continue to function like a rational human being whilst all this is going on inside of you. I, however, cannot.

As someone who continues to battle with anxiety, depression and PTSD, falling in love can sometimes feel incredibly traumatic. Even more so if the current object of my desire appears to be highly desirable to others, inconsistent in their behaviour, dismissive of my emotions or defensive in communication, I feel myself slipping into complete surrender to being and doing ANYTHING just to get their attention. I completely lose myself, my sense of worth and identity. All I can think about is how I get my next hit. This pattern of behaviour is incredibly detrimental to my self-esteem and mental health. Naturally, you can see why internet dating during a global crisis might not be the best idea…

I do a hell of a lot of work grieving the parenting and the love I needed but never received as a child and whilst that’s a useful strategy most of time, currently this doesn’t feel so easy. With absolute world chaos looming, Covid-19 is really fucking with my ability to stay above water. In desperate times, I find myself turning to social media and dating apps to find comfort, reassurance, validation, safety and that big old whack of dopamine that I crave so badly. But of course, this is not the case. I feel like a teenager again. Growing up in the late 90s/early 2000s I was part of the generation glued to the family desktop computer. Dialling up the internet after school, sitting online MSN Messenger waiting for my crush to ‘pop up’. Oh, those were the heady days... Today, as I sit staring at my phone, laptop propped up on my knees, those demons grin and bear their teeth at me once again.

I’ve had a variety of thoughts over the past few days, some of complete despair, some of excitement and anticipation, but mostly many of curiosity and intrigue. Whilst it feels tempting to want to dive headfirst into an online love affair with a complete stranger (for a moment, I really thought I had) I’ve got to remind myself of who I really am now.

This is not just about internet dating, it’s anything that gives you that high, the escape. You might feel tempted to drink the nights away, get the bags in and snort the nights away. For some of us, we might feel tempted by a variety of harmful behaviours. Fears of a much darker time might be surfacing for you, or maybe fears you’ve never felt before are starting to cloud your mind. Whatever your vice - yes, all this is scary. Yes, that escape is looking ever more tempting. No matter how you try to justify it – even in love – because of course, that person is charming, and sweet, and hot as hell - but remember, you’re feeling triggered, we all are. It’s not to say what you’re craving is wrong, or your feelings for this person aren’t real – it might actually turn out to be a really wonderful thing (and this time I’m referring only to the internet love of your life, not the harmful thing you want to do that is going to really hurt you or someone you love) but, right now, we’re in a fucking global crisis. We have no idea how long for, and the world around is changing more rapidly than in most (if not all) of our lifetimes. You’re bound to be feeling a little out of control right now.

So, just hold on a second. Cut yourself some slack - I’m here to remind you that you’re not that 14 year old anymore. You’re a real life adult, with passions and dreams, with beautiful friendships and resources, with tools and coping strategies that have paid off in times of desperate need and will absolutely work again for you now.

Remember who you are, remember your heart, remember your curiosity and compassion, remember how you dance and sing and read and journal and play and laugh and create your way through life.

Remember all the wisdom and strength you know is still sitting there at the core of you.

Remember to breathe.

You got this.

x

Instagram: @dizexplainstheuniverse | Facebook: /dizexplainstheuniverse

[ebenpink]

“Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations. https://ift.tt/2ImLxO9

What do you do when your fitness client asks you out for a drink? Or texts you at 2am? Or slightly recoils from your touch during an assessment? When you’re a health professional working closely with people who need your help, things can occasionally get awkward. Use this guide to set professional boundaries, while still creating a trusting coach-client relationship.

++++

The details: A Precision Nutrition Certified coach—we’ll call her Sue—reached out to our private Facebook group for advice on a serious problem. Her client, also a coworker, had developed feelings for her.

Sue didn’t feel the same way.

She cared about this client and his goals. He’d already lost 50 pounds with her help.

But she didn’t want to be a caregiver or caretaker. His behavior had become an emotional drain.

When Sue tried to distance herself from the client, he lashed out and became self-destructive. His health habits regressed, and he went back to emotional eating.

As a coaching professional, Sue understood the dynamics. She knew the client’s reliance on her had become unhealthy. And she recognized that she herself was becoming more and more distressed.

Understandably, she felt stuck.

She’d have to confront difficult feelings: The client would be upset.

He’d regress: Asking him to change his behavior would cause a health-damaging backslide.

She was also caught in conflicting close relationships: They work together every day.

Tricky situations like Sue’s are very common in health and fitness coaching.

Yet while therapists, psychologists, and doctors are formally trained to navigate the boundary issues that arise in client-practitioner relationships, fitness professionals often aren’t.

So consider this your crash course for conduct, complete with practical tools you can use now, no matter how where you are in your career.

++++

The relationship between a client and a health practitioner is inherently intimate.

This is true whether you’re a strength coach, a group fitness trainer, a psychologist, a massage therapist, or a yoga instructor.

Deep feelings are discussed. Bodies are touched.

It’s “closeness,” even if it’s not romantic closeness.

As a result of this intimacy, it’s quite common (and natural) for coaches or clients to develop feelings (negative or positive) for each other. Feelings of friendship, tenderness, protectiveness, jealousy, anger, and/or frustration spill into the professional arrangement.

Without honesty, clear expectations, and mature, open communication, stuff gets messy.

Defining and upholding proper boundaries ensures that feelings don’t confuse the ultimate goal: to help the client achieve his or her health goals through self-empowered action.

When we don’t have well-defined and well-communicated roles, everyone is kinda standing around wondering, “What am I allowed to do here? And how are we supposed to interact?”

Anxieties, frustrations, and old hurts emerge, often vaguely and vexingly, and we feel pushed and pulled in many directions.

That’s why we need boundaries.

Boundaries are the invisible lines of division between the service provider and the client or patient, the social (and sometimes physical) norms and practices that define:

who is playing what role (e.g. who is coach and who is client);

what those roles involve (e.g. who provides direction and how); and

what the limits of that professional relationship are (e.g. how available the coach is for the client, or what’s discussed in sessions).

Good boundaries mean that clients:

feel safe and secure with their coaches, trusting they’ll act in their best interests.

understand the care a coach shows is the universal care of an invested, compassionate professional, and not a sign of romantic interest (or some other attachment).

are obligated to show up maturely and responsibly; to regulate their emotions, own their behaviors, and be consistent.

Good boundaries mean that coaches:

avoid ethical breaches or working outside of our scope of practice.

don’t take on more than our share of responsibility for client progress and change.

show our clients clearly who is doing what, when, and how.

recognize the potential power imbalance that is part of coaching, and respect our clients as autonomous individuals.

With clear boundaries, we have fewer misunderstandings and awkward situations.

Which is always good.

With well-defined, strong, healthy boundaries, our “emotional bank account” is freed up to invest in a robust coaching relationship that keeps us as coaches safe and sane, while helping clients reach their goals.

Appropriate behavior is context-dependent.

There’s a green zone: Totally cool almost all of the time. Like smiling and making eye contact as you greet a client.

There are “gray zones”: A little more blurry, and depends on the context and nature of the relationship. Like hugging a client after they just did their first pullup.

And there’s a red zone: Definitely—and always—a hard “no.” Like, “Don’t steal from clients” seems pretty intuitive.

But in real life, boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Therefore (and to make things more complex), the same action can be “green” with one client and “red” with another.

With a client you have a secure, trusting relationship with, it might be totally cool to exchange the odd gift.

But that newer client you suspect might be crushing on you? Exchanging gifts may send the wrong message and confuse the purpose of the relationship.

Context is everything.

With more experience, trust, and maturity you have more freedom—to get close, to joke, potentially to do or say “inappropriate” things.

With relationships that are newer, more fraught or confused, play by stricter rules.

In terms of ethical codes, health and fitness coaching is a little late to the party.

Other fields of service provision, such as psychology or social work, have clear codes of ethics they abide by.

Many mental and physical health care service providers receive ethics training as part of their certification, but coaches often don’t.

Yet part of your job as a coach is to behave ethically, which includes defining and maintaining clear boundaries.

So Precision Nutrition wrote its own Code of Ethics for the coaches we certify.

You can start with our Code of Ethics as a template, and add to it as you wish, according to your own value system, and the nuances of your practice.

PN Coaching Certification Code of Ethics

In your professional role as a coach:

Act in the client’s best interest. Prioritize their wellbeing, safety, values, goals, and comfort where possible.

Respect the worth and dignity of the clients you serve. Treat all clients with professional courtesy, compassion, and care.

Protect your clients’ privacy and confidentiality. This includes that you:

Follow standard data security protocols, such as protecting your personal logins and storing client data securely.

Be careful what you discuss about clients, and with whom.

Do not disclose personal or identifying details of clients.

Ask permission before sharing anything on social media.

Act with integrity. Make yourself worthy of your clients’ respect and trust. Don’t exploit your clients, financially or otherwise. Don’t seek personal gain from your client relationship (beyond your coaching fees, obviously).

Act with objectivity. Know the rules, regulations, and procedures expected of you, and follow them equitably and appropriately for each client.

Set clear, accurate, and reasonable expectations. Define the terms of the coaching arrangement (e.g. payment, frequency of meeting, how coaching works, etc.) immediately and reinforce them often. Be upfront about what results the client can realistically expect to see.

Have clear professional boundaries. Avoid multiple relationships (e.g. coaching friends or family members; becoming friends with clients) where possible. If you must have multiple relationships, recognize the inherent power imbalance in coaching, and be very clear what hat you’re wearing in a given situation.

Know the limits of your skills and scope of practice. If you can’t serve a client for reasons of ethics or expertise, refer them to another coach and/or care provider if possible.

Keep your skills current. Pursue professional competence, excellence, and mastery. Seek to be a credit to your profession.

8 tools to define boundaries in your coaching practice.

For coaches, there are lots of ways identify, establish, and maintain boundaries in your professional practice. We’ve got 8 to get you started.

The more tools you use, the more clear, comfortable, and secure your relationships will be.

Plus, less awkward situations.

1. Pay attention to your “emotional radar.”

Often, when boundaries get pushed (or trampled on), your body will tell you.

For example, you might notice that around a certain client, you feel tense, “icky,” or even repelled.

If you observe those sensations, check in with yourself.

Are roles defined and contracts clear?

Are you being asked to do things (either implicitly or explicitly) that make you feel uncomfortable?

Are you being exposed to some “TMI” material, either through the content of your client’s words, or images they sent to you?

If you can identify what’s bothering you, work to fix the situation:

Model appropriate behavior.

Communicate clearly, assertively, and maturely. (Keep reading for ideas on how to do this.)

Inform others about your boundaries and expectations for the working relationship. Don’t assume people “should just know” what appropriate behavior is. They might not.

2. Use body language to manage the space between you and your clients.

We “say” a lot without actually saying it.

Humans have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to expressing and reading body language. What we do with our bodies, and what others do, is worth a thousand words.

That means you can actually use your body as a tool to shape the coach-client relationship.

You can use your nonverbal cues to steer or “lead” clients.

For example, if a client is getting a little too close, you can lean or step back a little to increase the distance between you, or put an object between you (such as a desk or bench).

Without using words, this suggests, “This is a better amount of space between us.”

Other times, you may want to encourage closeness.

One simple way to do this is by “mirroring” your clients’ movements (subtly), and making eye contact. This demonstrates your attention and presence, and can foster a feeling of connection.

To convey confidence and authority, stand or sit tall, with good, but relatively relaxed posture. You’ll look like someone worth respecting and listening to.

3. Use your voice to show the right balance of care and authority.

Voices are powerful.

Your voice can command, cajole, calm, or control—and it can help you set and maintain boundaries too.

Generally, a warm, yet professional tone will signify interest and authority.

Speak clearly at a moderate pace, and unless you’re actually asking a question, be careful of a tendency to use a rising tone at the end of a sentence. (Which will make everything sound like a question? And it’ll imply that you don’t need to be taken seriously?)

Match your voice volume and cadence to your client’s to show attunement.

You can also use your voice to steer someone gently if you feel things should be going in a different direction: talking slower and lower to a client who’s gotten worked up and is talking fast and loud; speaking gently to a client who’s intimidated, scared, or defensive; or speaking firmly and clearly to a client who’s gotten a little too… friendly.

4. Write like a pro.

Even if your main jam is one-on-one sessions with clients, talking in an office or on a gym floor, you’ll probably do a fair bit of writing too: in emails or texts, handouts, contracts, and signs on the wall.

Your professional image is reflected in your writing, so cover the basics: Use proper punctuation, check your spelling, and get your message across clearly and concisely.

Make sure signs are clearly displayed and contracts are reviewed and understood, ideally before you begin your coaching relationship.

Signs and contracts tell clients what to expect, what their responsibilities are, and what you’re here for (and not here for). Articulate this up front, and you’ll have fewer problems later.

5. Make informed consent an ongoing conversation.

If you’ve ever joined a gym, had a massage, received psychotherapy, or joined a sports team, you might have had to go through some kind of informed consent and waiver-signing process.

An informed consent form usually covers things like scope of services and liability, and the potential risks to clients. It’s a good idea for every coaching practice to have one.

But it doesn’t have to stop there.

If made an ongoing conversation, the informed consent process can be an awesome, useful tool that helps define boundaries and helps clients feel heard, respected, and comforted.

Check in with your client on consent topics every few weeks. You can organize the conversation around themes like:

What’s happening for you as a client right now? Can you give me a “status update” about how you feel / think about our process, or your current situation?

Are you OK with what’s happening now? Does this match what you expected or wanted? Would you feel more comfortable doing something differently?

Do you understand what’s happening now? Do you as a client, comprehend why we’re doing something, and/or what the risks and benefits are? Do you understand how this activity connects to your goals?

Do you want to continue in this direction? Or do you need a break? Informed consent includes the client knowing that they have the right to say no to anything the coach proposes.

6. Protect your time.

Pop quiz: If a client texts you at 2am, do you respond?

Clients may email, text, or even call at all hours of the day or night. While you can have your business hours clearly displayed on your website, contracts, or signs around your office, clients may still pop in when it’s convenient for them.

That’s OK. (So long as they’re not banging on the door of your personal home at midnight. That’s “red zone” material.)

When and how quickly you respond to clients signals to them what you will accept, and what they should expect.

For example, if you start answering emails at 10:30 at night, a client may expect you to be available during those hours. If you always respond to texts within three minutes, a client may expect nearly immediate answers from you.

You get to decide what your boundaries are here, and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want your evenings to be crowded out by client emails, then turn the computer off before dinner, and respond to them in the morning.

Similarly, you get to set the tone for how time is spent during your in-person time with clients.

If a client is consistently late or missing appointments, or if they keep directing the conversation to who they went out with on the weekend instead of how their food journaling went, then it’s your job to gently but firmly call them out.

Sometimes an adult conversation needs to happen.

Like:

“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been 20 minutes late for the last three appointments. Is this still a good time for you? If it is, let’s agree to start our session on time so we don’t have to cut into your appointment time.”

Or:

“It sounds like you had a fun weekend! But hey, I’d love to talk about your nutrition. I know one of your goals is to eat better, and I’m curious to know about how you’ve been doing. The more we focus our conversation, the better we can get both of our needs met.”

Approach these conversations as if you and your client are on the same team, rather than adversaries. Be friendly, and focus on the win you both want!

7. Dress sharp.

One perk of being a coach: You get to dress comfy!

One downside of being a coach: You get to dress comfy! Which means that sometimes, it’s hard to know what looks appropriate and also helps you demonstrate a squat or run a few agility ladders.

However, if you choose carefully, you can convey professionalism in athletic gear.

If you look professional, your clients will be less likely to treat you as a buddy or a potential hookup, and more likely to treat you as, well, a professional.

Make sure your clothes are clean and well-maintained, and that all your, um, parts are contained.

Your dress should also be appropriate to your environment. If you work at a gym, gym clothes are good. If you work in an office, “business casual” is likely the better dress code.

8. If physical contact is necessary, check in with your client’s experience of it often.

If you’re a personal trainer, massage therapist, yoga teacher, chiropractor, etc., body work is part of your job.

Make sure to have clients sign a form that provides consent to touch.

Even with contracts signed and squared off, always ask your clients for permission before you touch them, especially in potentially awkward or vulnerable areas. (This is especially important in situations where touch could be misinterpreted—for instance, a male personal trainer touching a female client’s glutes.)

If you’re a coach, here’s a handy checklist for considering boundaries when touching your client.

Does touching my client make sense in the context of our professional relationship? Am I, for example, a massage therapist or personal trainer legitimately touching my client in particular ways?

Does touching my client raise any issues given our social identities? That’s a fancy way of saying who are you, and who are they? Are you male, female, older, younger, the coach, the client (and so on)?

Does touching my client make sense in a cultural or social context? Different cultures have different norms on touch. And “culture” can be anything. For instance, your local MMA gym may consider it perfectly normal to choke someone with your thighs… but that’s not a good look at your average gym.

What are the benefits to touching my client? Am I helping teach them an exercise, giving them useful feedback, creating a genuine personal connection, and/or calming them?

What are the potential risks to touching my client? Might I be invading their boundaries, making them feel less comfortable, or sending signals that could be misinterpreted?

What are my motivations for touching my client? Is this to benefit them, or me?

Do I know my client’s personal history or level of comfort with touch? Some people have a history of physical or sexual abuse, or simply aren’t that comfortable being touched. Since you likely don’t know all clients’ personal details, start by assuming your client may have some kind of discomfort with touching. Proceed slowly with caution and assess their comfort as you go.

How am I letting my client know what to expect? A simple way to judge comfort is just to announce, then ask. For example, “I’m going to put my hand just underneath your left armpit to feel if your lat muscles are engaged. Is that OK?”

What feedback am I getting? Read body language, and ask. If your client gives you a hearty handshake with a bro-back-slap while making eye contact and smiling, you’re probably good to do the same. If you hug them and they shrink back or go rigid, quit hugging them.

Have alternatives handy. If you’re trying to give a client proprioceptive feedback, you can often use some neutral object (like having their butt hit a wall when you’re teaching a hip hinge). If hugging is a no, you may be able to do a less-threatening touch of the upper arm, or just work your smile and wave game.

And this should go without saying, but we’re gonna say it anyway:

For heaven’s sake, don’t touch your clients inappropriately. If you don’t know what constitutes consent or assault, educate yourself.

What to do next

When your “boundary radar” goes off, pay attention.

Don’t wait or avoid a situation that’s bothering you.

If you do, it’ll often get worse.

Prevention is the best option here, but if that hasn’t worked, then sometimes you’ll need to deal directly with an uncomfortable situation.

If possible, prepare documentation—such as emails, text messages, or a written summary of what happened from your perspective—or discussion topics in advance, and consider your overall strategy before having a difficult conversation.

Remember: You never have to work with someone who’s abusive, aggressive, or otherwise violates your boundaries.

Whether it’s a persistent series of misunderstandings and misalignments; someone who constantly gives you the “ugh” or “uh-oh” feeling; or outright harassment, you never have to tolerate a physically or psychologically harmful situation.

Get out or refer out.

Want strategies to level up your coaching?

It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.

Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.

And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019.

Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.

It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.

Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.

Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.

[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]

Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, April 3rd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.

Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.

//

References

Click here to view the information sources referenced in this article.

Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of Practice (5th ed.) [PDF file]. Ottawa, ON. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/StandardsOfPractice_en_June2015.pdf

Canadian Association of Social Workers. (2005). Code of Ethics [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/documents/casw_code_of_ethics.pdf

Bryson, Sandy. Understanding Professional Boundaries [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.dsc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Understanding-Professional-Boundaries.pdf

The post “Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

from Blog – Precision Nutrition https://ift.tt/2Ngdo1g via IFTTT https://ift.tt/2GyD4Wf

[mentalillnessmouse]

(tag as capybara) hi, so about a year ago my bf and his friend revealed to me their v intimate relationship. no sex, but a lot of touchy feely stuff like spooning and seeing eachother naked/shower etc. the news came after a bad year of long distance and very emotionally strained between me and my bf, so it kinda explained everything in the sense that he had some one else to be emotionally close with instead of me. The aftermath was v messy, i was very hurt, but me and my bf pieced things back

(capybara 2) together. Me and his friend have had kind of a strained relationship since, we dont talk as much as we used to. A year on, and i am still being affected by jealousy and a sense of betrayal. Recently my bf said if he had kids he’d name her as a godparent, and i felt very upset but didnt really show it. I feel like i should somehow be over what they did by now, and stop dragging it up, but i continue to be reminded and affected by it. I want to be able to get over it, but at the same

(capybara 3) time i want him and her to stop doing things that that, if they had a little thought, they know would upset me, like for example him saying that he wants her to be a godparent to his possible future kid with me. For a long time we’ve been this weird little trio, connected by this strange series of events that happened a year ago, that i’ve (unwillingly) been a part of, and i do not want to be tied to that in the future. I feel like i am making a big issue about something trivial,

(capybara 4) and that i should just move on and get over it, but again and again something comes up that makes me jealous and ignites this sense of betrayal and it makes me want to be really venomous to my bf and his friend. Am i making something out of nothing? should i just try and leave it in the past? or do you think that my being affected by this still is an issue that needs to be addressed? but how, and without causing friction? sorry for all the q’s, thankyou xxxx

hey anon, 

i strongly think you and your boyfriend need to fully discuss this situation. i might even go as far as suggesting that you two consider couple’s therapy if you really want to make this relationship between you two work out. i cannot offer full advice as i do not know you or your partner and it would be tricky while only knowing your view of the situation. 

talk with your boyfriend and ask him to consider seeing a therapist or counselor with you. 

Getting & talking to a therapist

This post on picking a therapist has some great tips.

This is a step by step on getting a therapist.

Psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counsellor?

50 Signs of Good Therapy

Having issues with therapy?  Here are 50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy

21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session

6 Ways to open up to your therapist

What should happen in a session

5 Tips on how to talk about yourself in therapy

Need to find a therapist by location? Psychologytoday lets you search by city or zip code

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

Here is a video Demonstrating what a first therapy session may look like made by a mental health professional

Relationship Problems

Mental Support Community A forum where you can talk about relationship difficulties such as how hard it is to make relationships work.

Mental Help A site that has basic information, resources, articles, and a list of books that might be helpful.

How to Stop Arguing and Actually Solve Your Relationship Problems

stay safe, 

kei