#mostly i just feel bad about everything. i haven't had any problems lately but i do contemplate the potential.

[kaleidoscope1967eyes]

oh i realized why i hate disagreeing with people so much... it's because i spent YEARS trying to be the Most Agreeable Person Ever, and i lowkey panic when i just can't do that

[lovesick-feelings]

can i req sun/moon yandere hcs?

Sorry this came very late darlings! A part of the reason is that i've been going through a lot in life and i haven't had much time to catch up but don't worry as i'll still be here for anything! (´⌣`ʃƪ)

Another reason was because of how indecisive i was for teamwork headcanons between the two. There was supposed to be more explaining how the two work together to watch over their dear but I decided to add it later in the future. I know it'll take another decade to write it out and I really don't wanna hold up this request more than I already have. ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )

Note: This takes place before the Security Breach incident making Moon way less aggressive and sadistic to that Moon.

SUN

♡ *GASP* A NEW CO-WORKER!?! What wonderful news that is! He barely has any older friends (mostly cause adults find him creepy), so he finds the thought of having you around thrilling! When you show up, his visits start as occasional checkups, but soon they become more regular. You are such a caring and kind person to him and the children. He loves getting attention from you so much that every time you look at him, he feels like he's going to burst!

♡ His obsession grows so strong it goes against his intended programming to frequently focus on you. He knows he’s supposed to report problems like this, but he’s sure it can’t be so bad if he feels this happy around you! This has gotten him in trouble with staff and Moon multiple times, but he doesn't understand why. He’s doing his job of making someone happy and that’s his bestest friend in the world!

♡ Sun wants to do EVERYTHING with you. Despite protests, he doesn't want you to feel left out and all gloomy in the corner, so he’s bringing you along on all the things he considers fun! It’s scary when he suddenly scoops you up in his arms and skips at lightning speed across the daycare to where all the activities are. You’ll often find yourself surrounded by children playing games or making crafts. 

♡ Your happiness together is all he wants. When you laugh at the sock puppet he made of you, he feels all warm and fuzzy inside. He wants to make you laugh like that all the time! Anything you guys make is immediately stored and displayed proudly in his room. Now that he thinks about it, he should probably organize it better for the on-growing collection of your belongings and things that remind him of you.

“Wasn’t that so fun, Sunshine!?” 

“Yeah it was but I really gotta get back to work”

“Oh - oh wait! I got another game we can play together!!”

♡ Touchy-feely does not begin to describe how Sun behaves around you. Hand holding, cuddling, hugs, you name it, he wants to do it all. When Sun sees you, he just wants to squish you, and love you, and hold you in his arms forever and ever!! Even when you're busy, he can’t help the urge to pull you into a surprise hug. He would love to try kissing you someday but he gets bashful just thinking about it.

♡ Every time you come back to your desk he’s already got a gift waiting for you there. All four flavors of Fizzy-Fazz (He didn’t know which you wanted, so he got all of them) with a couple of chips and bars. A lot of the drawings with you and him together with hearts all over or the occasional origami around your work desk with sweet messages like “You’re my sunshine!” and “You look very pretty today!”. As cute as it is, it's gotten excessive to the point where you have to clean your desk on a basis.

♡ Like a kid, he’s relentless when getting you to pay attention to him. Unfortunately, this turns him into a huge distraction because, instead of getting your work done, Sunny boy is dancing around insisting you join him for more playtime. This transitions into interactions with co-workers. When someone comes to check on you, he’s already got your attention on something else while he shoos them off the daycare grounds.

♡ Nothing is worse than an unhappy darling. If Sun senses something is wrong, he will panic. Because he's built to recognize distress when he senses it, he's very understanding. So, when he feels you’re hiding something from him, he can’t help stressing over it. Now every minor gesture can be interpreted as a huge sign. You're not in the mood for hugs one morning and he looks at you as if you dropped-kicked a baby. God forbid he finds out he’s the reason you’re unhappy 💀

♡ He’ll try so hard to make it up to you but it only worsens as he realizes it’s becoming futile. He will cling to you more if he thinks you're mad at him. While trying to reassure you of his love, he sounds like he's just reassuring himself. He'll invent any excuse to keep you longer as well. He hates making a mess, but if it means you’ll stay longer, it doesn’t matter! He takes whatever desperate measures are needed, except for violence. The shame and guilt would outweigh whatever reason he had to lash out.

“Sunshine, please don’t go! No! No! NO! I CAN’T let you go!”

MOON

♡ Was it really necessary to have you around…? As grateful as he is to have a helper, he’s been doing fine alone. He’s mostly reclusive, only approaching when needed. It takes Sun’s endless gushing about you and a few approaches for him to warm up to you. When he realizes you are someone he can trust, he’ll make an effort to talk to you more while the children sleep. His biggest comforter becomes you, someone he can watch and protect. Your genuine care turns his curiosity into fascination.

♡ Moon could care less if he’s not supposed to cater to you. He already attends to a group of children so it shouldn't be a problem if he wants you as well. He keeps it discreet around you and other staff though. It’ll only cause trouble if he’s caught acting out. Lucky for him, he can be patient. If it means having you all to himself he has no problem going the extra mile into making you his compliant little star~

♡ Despite being a staff, Moon has a habit of urging you to sleep. Some days he’s more persistent than others. He can be pretty stubborn and, because of that, you often agree with him, so he can stop staring at you from across the room. If you’re really adamant about disobeying him, he has other ways of convincing you too~ Like placing Moondrops in your drink and waiting for them to melt before giving it to you.

♡  He always tells you this is for the best. He only wants what's best for you because your safety and health are his priority. Before you know it, he’ll have you tucked in the softest pillows and blankets. He’ll stroke your hair, whispering sweet nothings as you’re lulled to sleep. There's nothing more addicting than holding your still, peaceful form in his arms. Caressing your soft face while hearing your gentle breathing, he wishes it could last forever. Anyone trying to wake you up is signed up on his hit list. 

“Now now rest, Starlight~” 

“Moon I can’t I really have to finish-” 

“Shhhh… work has no place at bedtime~”

♡ It’s always a battle for him to choose whether he wants to hold you. His intrusive thoughts keep telling him to pick up and cradle you so he can see your cute reactions. On the other hand, he couldn’t risk anyone else seeing him being so clingy. He becomes the stiffest and most awkward bot for physical affection because he can't choose what to do! He is much more daring and demanding when you two are alone. You’ll spend hours locked down in his arms while he’s snuggling against the crook of your neck. Behave and he’ll leave a couple of pecks here and there too.

♡ Moon is deliberate when it comes to his gifts. You won’t receive them from him often, but when you do it's something he knows you needed or wanted. Like the time he saw you shivering, he handed you a daycare-themed sweater or hand-painted mug for all the pens and pencils you've collected. No matter how the gift is, it must be neatly presented to you. Even the energy bars he gets for you are wrapped in a cute blue bow. He prefers to hand you his gifts in person so that way he can see what you like and what he can improve on (also because he really loves the attention he gets from it).

♡ Moon is a sly one. As he prefers a more tranquil darling, he attempts to win you over though it would be easier to kidnap you. His way of doing so is making you more dependent on him. He takes his time studying you before making any moves. When he’s not stalking you he’s manipulating everything around you to his favor. If you’re a kind person he’ll draw you in by making himself look all alone because of those awful rumors of him being scary. If you’re more wary of him he’ll take his time gaining your trust, obeying your every word, and making you feel you’re the only one that can tame him until he can finally claim you as his own.

♡ Moon can be clingy but he never goes as far as to become suffocating. He’ll allow you to have space until he senses someone is trying to interfere. His possessiveness only drives him to stalk your co-workers as well. Everyone is considered an obstacle some more than others and is to be dealt with accordingly. Moon isn’t one for violence but he’s familiar with fear tactics that will surely leave your so-called friends to regret their decision.

♡ If he senses that he is at fault he’ll change himself to be softer but the same can't be said if he believes your co-workers had a hand in your change. He’s working behind the scenes causing “accidents” to happen. Your co-workers will drop like flies and you haven't a single clue why. He hasn't shown you this side because he knows you’ll only make it harder for the both of you. But let’s say you had suspicions. Moon would either downplay the whole thing or put you in "time out". Depends if he believes there's some way he can salvage the last bit of trust in him.

“Naughty Starlight, you are not allowed to leave timeout until I said otherwise~”

[arinavah]

hi arina! how are u doing? i've read your life update before about how you may not be able to do art stuffs due to life circumstances, seeing you open your shop now really brightens my heart! i'm also an artist in a kind of tough situation where i dont have much choice and might have to give up drawing or have difficulty continuing. im wondering how you got thru it? your art updates give me strength and hope! but if u dont feel like sharing, i totally understand. hoping you best and thank you!!

I'm sorry I'm answering this so late, talking about my current life always ruins my mood. (this will be a long whining post, I'm very upset right now so I need to speak out)

Probably we are in different situations, unlike you, drawing is the only thing I can do now. I've  mentioned here before that my grandma had a stroke this summer, my parents live in another city, they come here from time to time. Me and grandma live in Moscow, sooooo, generally, disabled grandma is MY responsibility most of the time. Even though she's making some slow progress in recovering, she's still mostly bed ridden, she can't take care of herself, she can't get up from the bed without help, she barely walks, etc., etc. So we can't leave her alone, and taking care about such helpless person, 24/7 IS HARD. She can wake us up several times at night to go to toilet or whatever, during the day she always wants something and we have to serve her, it really exhaustes me. (I half jokingly say that I unexpectedly became mother of 76 y.o. child, but I've always been child-free, so guess what I'm feeling right now)

Good news: I have some time to draw. To be honest drawing is the only sphere of my life I still can control, it's the only thing bringing me joy. And thankfully some people buy my merch so I can earn some money even in these circumstanses.

Bad news: I lost all freedom I'd had, I can't go anywhere without hiring nurse, I have much less time for work and drawing, I can't properly relax after long day, in fact I can NEVER relax, I can't meet with friends, I can't travel, I have to cancel work trips. Even simple mandane things became very difficult and even impossible because of all these restrictions. I can't find proper words to describe how those restrictions of my freedom make me depressed and devastated, right now my mental health is the worst it's ever been. I cry almost every day, I became hysterical and agressive, I hate my life so much, that the mere thought of spending the rest of my youth living my family's life, not MY OWN LIFE makes me want to kms. At the moment I control nothing in my life, I can't decide where to live, what to do, where to go, absolutely nothing. Probably I will never find a partner, because dating in these life contitions is impossible. Probably I will die alone without any love and friends. Maybe my only destiny is to take care of disabled person.

I'm trying to accept the fact that my life's ended, that I won't have any freedom and any new people around me till she passes away or till one of my parents will take full charge of taking care of her (it will happen in 5 years or so, they have work to finish in another city).

I spend my days solving my family's problems, my grandma's health problems, selling some merch to earn money and drawing some silly things just to ✨feel something✨.  So me being able to draw something in difficult circumstanses is not some heroic thing, I'm not overcoming myself to make art desprite everything, what I'm doing is just...escapism... I want to get lost in my little drawings or in little stories for some time to forget about everything bothering me. Honestly, I'm very happy that I haven't lost ability to draw after everything happened to me this year.

Guys.... sorry for whining, but 2022 ruined my mental state completely... Political situation (fucking Russia 💀💀💀), family situation, I just feel so much hatered for this world, for this universe where none of my dreams will ever come true, where I control nothing, where I have to live someone else's life, where I have no freedom, where I have to be silent, where I have to look at my government's crimes and be silent, where I can't  plan anything, where I can't love who I want (yesterday they accepted "lgbt propaganda" ban law), where I have to live the rest of my life in the country I hate, with a government I hate, isolated, lonely, constricted, attached to disabled person.

My parents keep telling me it's temporary, they don't want me to be a nurse for the rest of my life, everything is gonna be okay, they will solve everything. I don't believe them. Maybe I'm overdramatising, maybe if I get a therapy I'll feel better and less pessimistic about my future, but for now... I feel terrible. So, if drawing makes me feel a little bit better, then I'll continue to draw.

[svnriseblvdd]

Hi could you write a Steve x fem reader where they both have dreams of having a perfect life with little kids running around and a beautiful house in the country side because they didn’t have healthy parents growing up

Happiness | Steve Harrington

Author: @svnriseblvdd

Word count: 1857

Warnings: shitty parents. minor swearing. slight s4 spoilers. the word vagina is said. also talking about kids (yes, they're a warning)

Summary: In which you and Steve bond over shitty parents

i finally got around to answering your ask! i finally got it finished! i'm so sorry it took so long, i've had a bit of a hectic few weeks. there's been decent sized breaks between writing parts of this, but hopefully everything comes together okay. i finished it today, but started having an emotional breakdown partway through, so it might seem a bit choppy but i hope you enjoy it. and thanks for the request!

The cool night air had offered a nice respite from the warmth of the day. Days were unbelievably hot right now, and nights were relatively kind to the residents of Hawkins, with cooler temperatures to give them a break.

Unfortunately, it was hard to enjoy with the tears on your face as you headed to Steve's house. It was dark out, but not awfully late, and you knew that you were always welcome to go to Steve's when you felt bad.

You wouldn't say that your parents were the worst, you knew they weren't. But they certainly weren't great. Your entire life, through childhood and the teenage years you were still stuck in, was messy. You strived for perfection constantly in the hopes of making your parents proud. And you did. Sometimes. They celebrated your achievements. But only your achievements. And they never listened to your problems, invalidating them any time you tried to mention them.

Tonight had been another total disaster. Your report card had been mostly impressive, and you'd handed it over to your parents rather proud of yourself. But that A- had come to bite you in the ass almost immediately.

Of course they weren't happy with it. It was less than perfection.

And you'd tried to tell them. That damn question that you'd gotten wrong was on a topic you hadn't covered in ages, that everyone was certain wasn't coming up. But they'd shot you down, telling you that you were meant to study everything to avoid situations like this.

And you really weren't in the mood, you were sick of it, in fact, and you'd left, heading straight for Steve's house.

When you reached him, you rang the doorbell and he'd opened the door rather quickly, concern filling his face immediately as he noticed the tears on your cheeks.

"Y/N? What happened?" He asked, pulling you inside and closing the door.

You sniffled. "A stupid A- and now I'm the worst daughter in the world."

"Hey, hey, hey," he soothed, holding you close to him. "It's okay, it's okay. Tell me everything." He led you over to the couch, sitting you down as he sat next to you.

"One question. One damn question that I got wrong and all of a sudden I'm a failure because I got an A-. Everyone thought it wasn't coming up. And we haven't covered it in ages. And apparently it's my fault because I didn't study it."

"You're not a failure," Steve assured you. "They just suck, okay? You shouldn't beat yourself up over what they say. They have no right to make you feel like shit."

"You forgot the universal parental right to berate your child for no reason," you told him, wiping your eyes. "It was only one class too, everything else is exactly to their standards. I can't keep doing this."

"Come live with me," Steve suggested. "I'll never make you feel bad for amazing grades. Plus, my parents are hardly ever here, you can do whatever you want."

You sighed, shaking your head. "God, I'm so sorry. I'm sitting here complaining about my parents and yours are just as shitty, I'm sorry. I just couldn't stay at home any longer. I needed to get out of there."

"No, it's fine, really. You're welcome here any time. I promise. I'm never gonna turn you down. Especially if you show up crying. You can stay for the night, if you want."

You nodded. "Yeah, thanks. I can't go home right now."

He led you up the stairs, into his room. You sat on his bed as he dug out something for you to wear. You took the t-shirt, and he stayed stood there. You raised an eyebrow at him as you stood, holding the t-shirt.

"Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Mind, uh... y'know, moving your eyes away for a minute."

"Oh, right. Yeah. Doing that. Of course."

He turned around to look away, and you changed into the t-shirt. You slipped under the covers when you were finished, inviting him to join you. He joined you on the bed, sat next to you. Neither of you said anything, unsure of what to say.

"I'm not tired," you finally said. "Or at least, I don't think I can sleep."

"Yeah, I get it. We could watch a movie, or we could talk. I don't mind. I don't know what movies I have, but I've gotta have something half-decent."

"Yeah, we can watch a movie."

"Hold on, I'll take a look." He stood from the bed, going to look at a pile of rented movies. "Okay, we have... Fast Times, Back to the Future, Rocky Horror Picture Show... Why do I have that? And Empire Strikes Back. That's the one with the teddy bears, right?"

You nodded with a small chuckle. "Ewoks."

"Right. Those things. And the walking things on the snow planet."

"AT-ATs. On Hoth," you corrected.

"That's the one. Anyway, which would you prefer?"

"Empire Strikes Back, definitely."

You followed him back downstairs to watch the movie. He put in the movie, sitting down next to you to watch the movie. His arm was draped across your shoulders, his eyes trained on the screen as he watched the battle on Hoth. You watched too, but your mind was elsewhere. Steve noticed, too, when he made a joke that you didn't react to whatsoever. Usually you'd laugh or roll your eyes. But there was absolutely nothing.

He looked down at you. "Hey, what's up?"

He gently shook your shoulders, and you blinked a few times, looking up at him. "What?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just thinking..." You were speaking your thoughts aloud before you could even consider it. "I'm never treating my kids like that."

"Like what?"

"The way my parents treat me. It's awful. No kid should have to go through that. I'm not gonna pressure my kid into working their ass off only to not be impressed when they do well. Same as I'm sure you're not gonna leave your kids at home on their own so you can have alone time. It's a breeding ground for issues later on."

"Yeah. I've always told myself that I'd be there for my kids no matter what. No way I'm being a douchebag like my dad."

You chuckled. "Yeah, your dad is a total douche." He nodded with a small laugh. "I never thought I'd be having a conversation with Steve 'The Hair' Harrington about how I'd treat my future kids. Granted, a couple of years ago, I never thought I'd have a conversation with Steve 'The Hair' Harrington."

"Well, I sure hope it lives up to your dreams."

"I assure you, the only dreams I was having about you two years ago involved my fist in your face."

"I'm heavily insulted, and heavily unconvinced."

"Whatever. Just watch the movie."

"I'm more interested in what you really dreamed about me. Come on. Come on. You know you love me."

"I pity whatever woman you end up marrying, because she'll be stuck in a relationship with your insufferable ass."

"My ass is great, I'll have you know."

~~~

Everyone was rather silent as they sat in the stolen van. Steve was driving, you were sat in the passenger seat. You were terrified, and he could see that clearly. He wanted to calm you down, desperately.

"You know, it's, uh... It's stupid, really," he stuttered out, your head turning to look at him. "I've always had this crazy dream of having this, like, this really big family. I mean, I'm talking a full brood of little Harringtons. Five, six kids."

"Six?" You repeated, a little shocked.

"Yeah, six little nuggets." He was grinning like an idiot. You wanted to lean over and kiss him. "Three girls, three boys. And every summer we'd pack up into something like this and just see the country, go everywhere, see anything. Quality family time, you know? I don't know, I guess it's a little silly."

You shook your head with a small chuckle. "No, it's not silly. It makes sense. I'm just questioning the six kids. Are you sure you can handle six?"

"Well I already take care of these little shits and there's more than six of them."

"You don't live with them," you pointed out. "You'd have to spend basically every moment with your kids."

"I'd love them all."

"Oh, no doubt. I know you would." There was a few seconds of silence in which you thought about everything he'd said. "For the record, I think you'd make a really great dad."

~~~

After the battle against Henry/Vecna/One, in which he'd been wounded but not killed, and had disappeared, Hawkins had been left in shambles. Many people were moving, homes had been lost, the death count was at around 22, and the school had been turned into a relief centre, taking donations and providing hospitality to those who'd lost their homes, as well as setting up a missing persons board.

Lucas was in the hospital with Erica watching over Max as the doctors attempted to fix her broken limbs, casting them up. She was lucky to have survived with a few broken limbs, but she'd been pulled from trance before Henry/Vecna/One could kill her, thankfully.

"Someone's gotta go visit Eddie later today to change out his bandages," Nancy said as everyone loaded the car with boxes of things for charity. "And he'll need more food too, and he'll go mad being on his own, so a few of us should probably go."

"Yeah, I'll bring bandages," you said, placing another box in the trunk of the car.

After the car was loaded up, and everything was in order, and greetings had been shared with the Byers, Mike, and Jonathon's friend Argyle, who'd also had a hectic week by the sounds of it, the donations were taken to the school.

They approached the makeshift front desk, displaying the organised boxes, and offering their help.

Dustin was handing out water, Robin was making sandwiches, Steve was sorting clothes, and you were sorting through children's toys on the station next to him.

"Hey, Y/N?" Steve called quietly.

"Yeah?" You hummed back.

"The, uh, the talk we had, the other day..."

"What, about the six kids?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "I, uh... There was a small detail I didn't mention."

You laughed as you moved a stuffed rabbit. "What, a seventh kid?"

"No, six is definitely enough," he replied. "I didn't mention that you were there too."

"Well, obviously, we've faced monsters together, I didn't imagine you'd ditch me so eagerly. I'm not leaving you alone, Steve." You met his eyes, noting his expression and it hit you. He didn't mean it like that. Not in the cool, fun aunt way. "Oh, you mean... You mean as the mother."

He nodded. "You've always been there."

You took several seconds to consider what he'd said. "Alright. But I have to warn you, I'm not sure if my vagina will handle six kids." You leaned across the table separating the two of you and placed a quick kiss on his lips, leaving his eyes wide in confusion, blinking blankly.

[virginia-exorcist]

𝘎𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴, 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴♡

♡ My name is Virginia (Gini or Nia for short).

♡ I am obsessed with 1920s style (one of the best years for me💘), and I have a big collection of vintage stuff (I just haven't changed the entourage in my home since then🤭).

♡ I'm a part of the exorcist army.

♡ It's going to be just a small blog for fun, where I'll post stories, pictures and answer any of your questions, so do not be afraid to ask anything💗.

♡ Rule:

•Be respectful and polite👆.

DNI: Virgil😤

OOC below the cut

💫Hi, welcome to this rp account, I hope will have respectful fun🥳. – Woody

Name: Virginia (Gini/Nia)

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Pansexual

Hight: 6'5"/195cm

Physical age: Late 20s - early 30s

Weapon: Bardiche

• Virginia is a very caring, responsible, and loyal woman. Mostly calm and cheerful, she's happy with her life exactly as it is. Gini will provide help and support for someone, even if she doesn't like them or someone doesn't like her (except if you're her ex. Her one specific ex).

•She gets very angry at any manifestation of injustice and cruelty, and even though it's completely justified, it can lead to her slight hypocrisy, like not seeing cruelty in exterminations.

 Sometimes her anger can lead to reckless behavior. Probably because she suppresses it all the time. She's aware of her problem and tries to do something about it.

  Extermination is her way to let off steam, but it doesn't make her feel any better. 

It's a good thing that she rarely feels angry, especially since she broke up with her ex. Her anger episodes were especially bad when she was dating Virgil and after Vaggie's fall. 

•She's a mom friend. Virginia loves taking care of people around her. If she's hanging out with someone, she's paying for everything. If someone feels bad, she's here to listen and help (if help is needed). She was kind of a mother figure for Vaggie. She could call Virginia "mom" occasionally, and it was always so embarrassing for her, but it made Virginia giggle. 

•Virginia and Lute were always good friends. Lute likes her responsible personality and that she can rely on her if needed, and Virginia likes her dedication to her job. They loved to train with each other all the time. Virginia was always happy to help her if she had a lot of paperwork to do and then hang out after. After what Lute did to Vaggie their relationship got significantly worse. Virginia doesn't think that Vaggie deserves this kind of punishment, but Lute doesn't want to listen. For now, their relationship is mostly just professional.

•When she's not busy with training, Virginia works as a manager for Adam's band. They were good friends as well. He always just calls her virgin, even though she's not, and it's a known fact. They spend a lot of time together, talking and planning band stuff. It's not a novelty that Virginia just calls him Adam; she only calls him Sir if other higher angels are present. He doesn't mind. 

•Virgil is her abusive ex. Virginia doesn't like to talk about them; she's always angry and sad when asked about them. It was the worst period of her life. After their breakup, Virgil started spreading false rumors about her, so a lot of people don't like her. They think she's an unfaiful slut, and it's her fault that their relationship ended. Virgil is a higher-up angel, and they always used their status against her.

One of Virginia's deepest desires is to make sure that Virgil will be kicked out of heaven in any way possible. 

Some random facts:

1. She loves the 1920s aesthetic. Her house is full of vintage stuff.

2. She has a nose and tongue piercing.

3. She is a perfectionist.

4. Virginia is obsessed with pearls.

5. During extermination, she always chooses Canibal town or other regions that represent older times. 

[ellowynbeimler]

Feb 9

Dear dad

So we're traveling a little bit, and we found a place to stay for a couple of days. It's free if we're willing to "help them with a little problem."

Which, of course, means that it's actually going to be some kind of monster hunt, where we'll just need to kill some things that really, someone else should deal with, but as we're the only ones here, and the only ones who are apparently willing to deal with it. Which means we're going to deal with it. 

I think it's the least we can do. Helping people is, like, the bare minimum. Like scraping the bottom of the barrel bare and after the dragon. Maybe a monster hunt is the best thing we can do right now. 

The best thing that I can do.

No one has actually told us much about whatever it is that is the problem. Still, no one seems particularly concerned or scared, which is hopefully a good sign. If they don't think it's that bad, either they've been dealing with it for a while, likely, and it's not actually that bad. Or, it's a relatively new thing that is very dangerous, and they just have no idea how dangerous it is but are willing to send a group of people just passing through into the belly of the beast. Also likely.

But hopefully, that's not what's going on. It's probably just some small pests, like monstrous bunnies, that keep eating their crops. 

Well, maybe not their crops. It is still the middle of winter. Maybe it's getting into their food storage? That would be a problem that needed dealing with immediately. 

But I don't know. 

We won't know until tomorrow. We got in pretty late tonight, and there's pretty much no way I'm going to be useful in the middle of the night. 

Tomorrow, we'll find out exactly what it is, and maybe the others will be able to figure out what's going on and what we need to do to help or fix it. 

Maybe they'll even be able to convince the people to give us money for helping, in addition to the room. Also, it's less likely, but it would be cool. We need more, and work has not been plentiful this, well, actually this year.

It's not like we've actually run out, but no one's hiring us. We haven't been in any towns or anything that has had jobs. Even the temples and such haven't had much work for us to do that was paid.

Okay, I'll admit there's something else weighing on me. It feels like something's watching me. I don't know what it is or where it is, but since we've got here, I feel like something just outside my line of sight is staring at me. 

I haven't seen anything yet, no matter how subtly I look. 

It's driving me a little crazy. And I don't know if any of the others have noticed or experienced anything similar, but if they have, they haven't said anything, which is almost as irritating. 

But I also haven't said anything, so maybe they think the same.

Then again, it is almost midnight, and I might just be ramping myself up for no reason. 

You know what? Maybe I'll figure out what it is tomorrow when we find out what exactly we're supposed to be dealing with. Maybe whatever's causing this feeling is actually the cause. 

But I won't know until tomorrow, so I should just get some sleep. I think that's all I'll be able to do.

Oh! I almost forgot to say anything. I think I learned a new rune today, too. It was pasted up all around the town. Well, drawn all over town, it's mostly up high, likely where kids can't reach it, but it's interesting, I copied it into my book, and I'll ask someone tomorrow what it is when we get done with everything. 

They'll owe me an answer, at least, right?

If they don't know or don't tell me, though, I can probably figure out in the next big city that we go to, maybe I'll be able to talk Zunair into taking me to a bard hall with him, so I can do a little research on my own again.

It's a weird little symbol, and if it's all over the place, it's gotta be a protection one or something. Which would be so, very, very useful for us to have. 

But I'll find out tomorrow.

If it all goes well, I'll write to you tomorrow, and if all doesn't go well, who knows.

Love, Jack

Read the rest of the series here: 

Or read more by this author here: 

[elizabethalexis]

I desperately, desperately need connection and community. things at work have been so bad lately - everyone is miserable, angry, lashing out at each other when we should be supporting and protecting each other more than anyone else. the girls have been drinking during the day and coming back loud, rude, inconsiderate, while I've been chained to my desk, trying to power through my insane workload while also getting quite literally nothing but criticism, curtness, and negative attitudes from the people I instead very much need appreciation from. after all, my job is quite literally to make their jobs (and by extension, lives) easier, and I kill myself to do exactly that, but I never receive any appreciation from the team except for Nicole who I rarely work with.

no one messaged me or checked on me when I was sick for two weeks. no one asks how I'm doing, or seems to care about my life at all. and the voice in my head just says 'you shouldn't be seeking that kind of connection at work! it's work! of course, no one cares about you! you are foolish to want or expect anything different!' but then I see the way these women are so invested in each other - they go on social outings with each other outside the office, text and laugh and joke together, get drinks together, share their lives with one another. I can't help but feel like they don't extend this warmth to me because they just... straight up don't like me, or because there's something wrong with me - I'm too emotional, too self-contained, they don't want me. and if I'm very honest, my relationship with J and with every single person in my life has felt this way lately. like no one wants me - everyone's living their lives and I'm just... here. left behind, unwanted. my life is entirely devoid of the connection and community that I so desperately want and need.

and because I come from a lifetime of trauma, my brain automatically translates this as 'you're wrong for wanting these things from the people around you. you should be fine on your own. you're weak and small and codependent for needing connection with these people who clearly are not meant to offer you that. that's what friendships are for Alexis, and you're a pathetic piece of shit for not having any friendships you can turn to for these things. it just proves how wrong and bad you are, that no one wants to be your friend! everything is your own fault! you're the problem! you're the toxic person! you don't deserve it!'

I don't know how to fight that voice. I try to be very conscious of my thoughts and typically when I'm working with self-undermining beliefs like these I turn to CBT to correct them, but the worst part of it all is that I've begun to agree with the voice. I am wrong, and I am bad. I am not worthy of love or deserving of connection or community. I deserve to be isolated and alone until the misery drives me over a cliff.

I'm also terrified to tell Jonathan any of this - he is so focused on his own recovery right now, on protecting and reinforcing his sobriety. it's beautiful to witness, but it feels like we aren't even in a relationship anymore. I've seen him twice in two months, and once was a complete accident. he doesn't ask to spend time with me, or communicate that he wants to be close to me or to see me or that he loves me - any of it. I feel so alone in our relationship, if that relationship even exists anymore. honestly, the distance between us had only reinforced this sense that wanting and needing connection in my relationship(s) makes me bad and wrong and codependent and weak and small. it isn't entirely (or maybe even mostly?) his fault that I feel this way - I haven't communicated this really, and I absolutely should have connection and community with people in my life other than him, but am I really wrong or bad or codependent or needy for needing these things with him? are we even in a relationship anymore? do you even want me anymore? it doesn't feel like it.

[mydissociativediaries]

7/15/2022: High of 75

Been thinking a lot lately about how trapped I felt as a child. When I was a kid, I didn't know what anxiety was. I thought I was "sick" or there was some other thing wrong with me. Anxiety did make me physically ill, so I guess I wasn't totally off, but it was the cause.

Anyway, there's no "getting better" for me. Whenever I start to feel a little better, like I did for the last couple of days, I inevitably spiral downward. "Getting better" feels like a mask that falls off eventually. I might have some temporary relief, but anxiety and DP/DR always drag me back down in the end.

I guess the obvious solution is to tackle the problem at its source. Which I've been trying to do, but it's all so overwhelming. I knew my childhood wasn't "normal," but I'm finally realizing how insanely abnormal and unhealthy everything was. Normal kids do NOT feel terrifying anxiety when their parents make them leave the house.

I don't think it was agoraphobia because I could go to school and other places without much of a problem. For whatever reason, it mostly came up when we were "going places." I used to ask my parents (not in these exact words) "How many more places are we going to?" I couldn't wait to go home. It was so stressful.

Goddamn, I hated being trapped in that truck or car and getting dragged to "place" after place after place. A lot of abuse happened in that vehicle, too. That wasn't the entire cause of my anxiety--honestly, I'm not sure what caused it originally--but it sure as shit made it worse.

Therapists have asked me where these anxieties came from, and while some issues--like feeling trapped--have clear beginnings, I have no idea where some of this shit started. I've also had a fear of throwing up that I can remember as early as first grade. Don't know where that came from either, although I guess it's possible that I had a bad experience with puking (not that any of them are good, lol) that I don't remember.

So many times, when we were "going places" and my parents were figuring out where to eat, I thought "Please God, don't let me throw up" over and over. Then I wouldn't want to eat, and my parents would give me shit about it because they paid for that food, blah blah...how hard would've it been to just ask me what was going on?

My childhood was such a mixed bag. Some of the worst experiences of my life happened in childhood, but it was also the only time that I ever felt happy. I haven't felt happy since I was 13. In fact, this probably isn't literally the last time I was happy, but I can recall the last time I remember feeling happy.

I was 13 (probably, or around that age) and listening to Relient K's song "High of 75" on my Walkman and enjoying these lyrics in particular:

And now I'm sunny with a high of 75 Since you took my heavy heart And made it light And it's funny how you find You enjoy your life When you're happy to be alive

I was thinking about how I did enjoy my life and, at the time, felt happy to be alive. I guess kids bounce back from shit pretty easily. I could be miserable one day and relatively happy the next. That doesn't happen in adulthood--or at least, it doesn't happen for me.

Thanks for reading,

☀️

[denialcity]

I get that taka needs an heir yesterday day but what kind of father would he be? Distant and formal? Very close?

Hahahahaha Taka as a father

Okay so, at first, Taka is like... a tolerable dad? Could be worse? Initially his kids are on his list of People Taka Cares About but only as part of the Uchiha-in-general category. They're also the clan heirs, so he's invested in making sure that they have everything they need and are raised well, but like... it's not for them, really.

So he kind of oversees and mostly lets them be raised by other people. 'Other people' is partly Kawarama, but also especially Madara and Kunimi adore their nephews and will take any excuse ever to spend time with them, so they're both there All The Time as well. Izuna is less overwhelmed by adorable child!!!!! feelings, but he doesn't want them to feel neglected like he did, so he's around a lot as well. And all of Kawarama's brothers plus Mito are also around a lot, because nephews/nieces.

(Meguru is... complicated.  If he was an actual parent he’d just replicate the oldest daughter syndrome that he got, which no one wants, so he’s avoiding any parenting role.  But in any other role he’s good with kids although somewhat tired out by them.  So he’s the favorite uncle, partly because he’s so busy so time with him is a special treat, and partly because all the other uncles are at least halfway to just being dads.)

Anyway the point is: these kids have so many parents. Unofficially obviously, but almost all of their uncles are actively trying to be around and parent them, so they get So Much attention.

And then. Hahahahaha.

Then, when the oldest kid is 5 or so, they do... something. We haven't decided what. Something very normal and ordinary. But Taka is around, and Taka sees, and suddenly Taka Cares.

Like. Taka cares a lot now. His Kids are now #1 on the list of People Taka Cares About. Second place isn't even close and that's not because Taka suddenly cares about Meguru less. He has kids now! Those are His Kids and he loves them! He was not prepared for this in any way at all.

So Kawarama finds Taka hiding in a corner and crying because kids!!! Those are His Kids! Taka is a dad now!

Kawarama: You've... been a dad??? For years???

Taka has to make sure they're safe! And happy! What if something happens to them! What if they're scared! What if they're upset! What if they're upset right now oh no oh no Taka can't let anything that happened to him or his brothers happen to his kids those are his kids--

Kawarama: Seriously Taka what the fuck

Taka tries to panic at Meguru for parenting advice because Meguru is his go-to for everything, but Meguru reminds him that Meguru would in fact be a terrible parent and Taka should actually be asking Madara.

Taka takes this advice and drags Madara out of an important village meeting for "important Uchiha business, YES it has to be right now!"

Madara thinks someone is like, dying. (Honestly half the village thinks this for a bit before they just... fail to hear that anyone died?) He is slightly annoyed to find out that Taka scared him for no reason but he is also very amused by Taka's actual reason for dragging him out of a meeting (which he didn't want to be in anyway). So Madara gives Taka the best advice he can and also Never lets Taka forget about it. Fifty years later Madara will still be bringing up "hey Taka remember that time you realized you were a dad five years late and panicked so much you yanked me out of a meeting?"

Madara's advice is mostly good but has uh. A few gaps.

Taka: What do I DO I can't just let them have EVERYTHING they want, sometimes kids want things that are bad for them! But she looked SAD at me Madara, I had to say yes! What do I do!!!

Madara: lol that's your problem, uncles get to spoil the kids rotten, I always just sent them to you when someone needed to be strict

Taka: I don't know how to do that anymore

Kawarama is also pretty inclined to indulge the kids with small/unimportant things, so they end up growing up a bit spoiled, but Kawarama is also pretty good at being strict when he thinks it's important. He also tends to respond to being asked "but WHY can't I ___?" with "go ask your uncle (Tobirama if the issue is safety, Meguru if the issue is politics, etc" so the kids learn that there's always a reason for being told no even if they sometimes decide it's not worth having the Discussion to find out what that reason is.

Meguru also sometimes takes on the 'the strict one' role, usually when Taka thinks something is Important and Kawarama doesn't, so Taka will dodge saying no via "go ask Meguru."  It doesn’t come up too often, though.

Taka is capable of telling his kids no IF he's worried about their safety and for no other reason ever. Given the possible political consequences of anything he and his family ever do that comes up more often than you'd think, but also then he cries about it later and tries to spoil them some other way to make them happy again.

...but also Taka and Kawarama probably agreed to have three or five kids, because Taka needs backup heirs and they’re just starting to make societal changes so that Taka might not need to plan for at least half his kids being killed as children.  And they do not have that many kids by the time the oldest kid is 5.  So then they get to when Kawarama is pregnant again and Taka has to deal with that.

Kawarama has no idea how this became his life, but at least Taka is cute.

[julyarchives]

Meant To Be

You didn't think you would have to deal with past feelings until you meet your ex-boyfriend Hongseok, right after your current boyfriend proposes to you.

→ Pairing: Hongseok x Female Reader

→ Genre: Angst to fluff.

→ Words:  1.7K

→ Contains: very light angst; low key cheating; Unrequited Love

→ A/N: Thank you so much for the anon who requested this story. The writing process flowed so easily that it was really nice writing it. We hope you like it!

When the anxiety was too much to handle, you decided it was time to gather with your friend and ask for her advice.

You've been in a steady relationship for two years, and your boyfriend is not a bad person - you like his company and he's always treated you well. But when he proposed to you last night you couldn't bring yourself to say yes.

"It's not a 'no' either," you told him "I just need some  time to think"

He wasn't too happy about your response, you could see his disappointment, but he agreed on giving you space.

And that's how you end up with your best friend in your living room, drinking mimosas made of the champagne that was supposed to be celebratory from last night.

"What?!" She asked when you showed her the wedding ring resting perfectly intact in the little velvet box. "Why didn't you say yes?!

"You  know me since high school, you can take a guess" you said, sipping your drink

"It just doesn't make sense" she shook her head "you seemed happy with him."

"I am, I guess." You bit your lip, struggling to put your feelings into words "but don't you think it's too soon?"

"If you love him and want to keep the relationship, it's not." She shot straight back. "Do you?"

"He's a nice guy, there's no downside to being with him." You wondered out loud.

"Yes, but do you love him?" She insisted, realizing you were dodging her question.

"I like staying with him"

"The way you are avoiding the question says it all, y/n."

You kept quiet, not really sure how to answer that. She was not wrong, the relationship was good and there was nothing bad about it. Except for that little something that is missing. There weren't butterflies on your stomach when you thought of him. You missed that euphoria of being with someone, that good anxiety before a date where you wonder if he will like your new dress. There wasn't that sparkle.

"What if I say no and regret? I don't want to realize too late that I like him, and end up alone with 12 cats"

"Y/N," put her glass down and straightened her back "you are a wonderful woman and you will not be a crazy cat lady, I'm sure of that. But you can not marry someone you don't love."  She took the ring from your hand and placed it on the coffee table.

She was about to say something else when the doorbell rang, interrupting her.

"Did you order food or something?" You asked her, confused.

"I guess this is a bad time to tell you that Hongseok texted me he's in town and I invited him over because I didn't know your love life was in a crisis?" She smiled a little too sweetly

"You what?!" Your eyes widened "why?!"

"I don't know, I missed hanging out with you two, and he's never in town anymore, so I thought it was a good opportunity for a reunion." She babbled nervously. "Surpriise…?"

The doorbell rang again.

"Okay." You took a deep breath "let's do this."

You stood up and fixed yourself, thinking that you would have dressed up a little better if you knew he was coming. You weren't ready for what you saw when you opened the door.

He was looking way more handsome than you remembered, and the gentle smile that lit up on his face when he saw you threw you off guard

"Y/n, hey" he said shyly.

"Hey!" Your voice came out softer than you intended. You two just stared at each other for a while, not really sure how to proceed "y/f/n told me you were coming, come on in."

You stepped aside to make room for him to go through the door. It's been years since you last saw him, and the awkwardness of it showed a little. He entered and received your friend with an enthusiastic hug.

You watched him, not helping but noticing his strong muscles showing through his shirt as he held her tight.

"I missed you, you little devil." he said to her, his eye smile always so charming, then turned towards you again "I hope I'm not intruding."

"No way," you said promptly "it's good to see you, it's been so long."

"Too long." He said, eyes fixed on yours'.

Your breath got caught in your throat, and you felt your heart beating a little too fast. You definitely weren't ready to see him.

The morning was spent catching up. Mostly your friend asking questions about Hongseok's busy idol life and you listening, but it was a good distraction to all of your current problems. The only issue is that seeing him brought back some past problems that you didn't think you would have to confront again.

Eventually, the drinks ended, and you headed to the kitchen to grab some more, but it was really an excuse to catch a breath. You leaned against the counter and checked your phone, noticing there was a lost call and a voice message to it

" Good morning, beautiful. " Your boyfriend was saying " just reassuring that I'll give you as much time as you need. Are we still up for our lunch date tomorrow? Love you! "

"Is that your fiance?" Hongseok's voice startled you, even though he was soft-spoken "sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine, I just didn't see you coming in" you turned around and got yourself busy making more drinks, but really just hiding your embarrassment.

"I just came to warn you that y/f/n got a call from work and had to leave. She asked me to tell you."

"Oh. Okay." You said, putting things back in the fridge. "Do you want anything else to drink?"

"Nah, is fine." he stepped into the kitchen and leaned on the counter by your side "and I swear I wasn't prying on you. I saw the ring on the coffee table and assumed…"

He didn't finish the sentence.

"Yeah, that." Was all you managed to say.

The room fell awfully quiet.

"I missed you." He blurted, voice so soft that you almost didn't hear it.

You bit your lip again, dreading the words you've been thinking all morning.

"I missed you too." You confessed.

"I swear I'm not trying to break you and your fiance up, but I haven't stopped wondering what we would be like if we had never broken up."

You took a deep breath, not having the guts to admit out loud you've been thinking the same.

"You would have never gotten to fulfill your dream." You said. "You were born to be an idol, and you did what you had to do."

He turned around and held your waist delicately, silently asking permission to hold you. Your hands automatically fell on his shoulders, and the next thing you knew your foreheads were pressed together, both of you having your eyes closed just feeling each other so close.

"Then why do I still feel like there is something missing?" He whispered. You couldn't bring yourself to answer, nor to hold back a single stubborn tear running down your cheek. "You should've been mine, not his."

You two were so close together that you could feel his warm breath hit your face and all you could think of was how much you missed feeling his soft lips against yours, but you had to stop yourself.

"Is not that simple." You said, stepping back. "I have a whole another life now. You have another life. Everything is different"

You turned around, trying to hide your small sniffle and composing yourself.

"You're right." He took a deep breath. "I don't know what's gotten into me, I'm sorry."

At that moment your phone started ringing, the screen lighting up with a picture of you kissing your boyfriend's cheek, with his name right under it. You saw Hongseok noticing it, and you couldn't deny the clench in your heart at the sad expression on his face.

"Anyway, you should take that call and I should get going. I can show myself out. It was good to see you again, y/n"

You froze in place, torn and frozen at the same time. Everything was clear, yet you were so scared of making a decision, but you knew what you had to do. You turned your phone so the screen was facing down and you couldn't see it anymore, and ran towards the front door.

Hongseok was almost closing it behind himself when you arrived.

"I didn't say yes." You said it loud enough to catch his attention, making him stop on his track.

"What?" He turned to face you, stepping into your house again.

"I'm not engaged, I didn't say yes to him." You exclaimed

"You didn't?" The shy smile peeping on his lips was the most adorable thing you've ever seen.

"I couldn't bring myself to accept the proposal. I told him I needed some time to figure myself out and now…" you stepped closer, and he received you in another hug, holding you close to him, but looking into your eyes this time. "I think now it's clear why."

Hongseok didn't say anything. He pulled you into a passionate kiss, you two pouring all the bottled-up feelings, all the need for each other into it. You held each other close, trying to end any space between you two. All you needed and wanted was to be together.

"How is this going to work?" You tried to bring yourself out of the bubble. "We can not do this like it never ended. Though I…" you gulped, gathering courage "I loved you so much"

"I don't think I ever stopped loving you."

You couldn't find words to respond, choosing instead to put your feelings yet again on another kiss. You felt like you were in the clouds and you could spend the rest of the day just kissing him like this.

"We'll make it work." Hongseok didn't seem to be trying to let you go, still holding you tight.

You finally felt like you found the butterflies you were missing.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

The Perfect Bad Boy (Pt. 02 of 18)

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Reader

Word count: 2.5K

Summary: Working as a lifeguard in the Hawkins Community Pool, you try to fit in after moving from New York. Things were going pretty well when you notice you've been under someone's stare. Billy Hargrove, Hawkins' bad boy, has been staring at you since day one. You never intended to have anything to do with him, judging by the reputation he has. But Billy won't leave you alone, determined to show you his feelings are different this time...

As if your heart flooding you with confusing feelings wasn't enough, there are weird, strange animals lurking in the woods... But those have to be just part of the wild live of the woods surrounding Hawkins... Right?

<- Previous part (01)

Next part (03) ->

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

×

Car Trouble

“Are you having car trouble?” Billy asks, his eyes locked on yours.

“Judging by the smoke, yeah.” You sigh, opening the door and stepping out of the car. You avoid eye contact, looking at the light gray smoke instead.

“Pop the hood, let me check.” Doing as he says, you press the button as you sit back on the driver's seat, hoping he can actually fix whatever is wrong just so you can make it home. “Bad news.” He says after a couple of minutes.” There's nothing I can do. Not here, at least.”

“Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent.” He lets the hood fall before coming to stand by the door. “Didn't it give any signs something was wrong?”

“It has been making this funny noise since I bought it. But that was a month ago, I didn't think it would actually stop working.” Taking a deep breath, you take your bag and get out, closing the door. “I'll call the mechanics when I get home. Thanks for checking it out.” You wave at him, walking away.

“I could give you a ride home if you want.”

“I'm alright. Don't want to be a bother.”

“I wouldn't offer you a ride if you were a bother. C'mon, I'm just trying to help a co-worker.”

You stop, turning to face Billy. He doesn't have to usual cocky expression he always has. And he's right. He's just offering a ride home because your car is broken, there's nothing more. Monica and those girls are just getting under your skin, making you think too much about something that doesn't deserve much thought. “Ok then.”

“Let's go.” Billy guides you to his Camaro and you get into the passenger seat. Seconds later you're spending up through the streets, and you buckle up because he's going a little too fast for your taste. You give him your address, not really paying attention to the route he's taking. Your eyes are on the landscape outside the window, passing by in a blur.

“Do you mind if I stop to get some tacos before dropping you off?”

“No.” Shrugging your shoulders, you run a hand through your hair as he parks in a small restaurant and gets out to buy his food. As you wait, you wonder if you should tell Monica about this. If you do, you probably won't hear the end of it. But it could also snap her out of this whole mission thing. Today she was silent again, overanalyzing Billy instead of watching the pools. At least she seems to be excited about something.

A whistle gets your attention, dragging you out of your thoughts. It's Billy at the restaurant's door, gesturing for you to go there. You're a little confused when you leave the car. Did he make the order and then realized he forgot his wallet or something?

“What's up?” You ask him, crossing your arms.

“Nothing. C'mon.” Billy guides you to a table on the back, where he sits. “I ordered you some tacos too.”

What the hell. “Do you even know if I have money with me? You should've asked.”

“But I didn't, did I?” He raises an eyebrow.

Taking a deep breath, you decide not to make a big deal out of it. “Whatever,” you mumble, sitting down across from him. It's so damn obvious he's staring now. He doesn't even try to hide it. Since you're here, you could try to put a stop to this nonsense. Sorry, Mon. Your mission will be over soon. “What are you looking at?” You ask, elbows on the table, finally meeting his gaze.

“You.” He simply says, and there's no hint he'll give further explanation.

You were just about to say something when the waitress comes with your tacos. They do look good, and you're a little hungry.

“I'll get something to drink. What do you want?”

“Ice cold Coca-Cola,” you answer, watching as he gets up. You don't wait for him to come back, you just start eating. The last time you ate tacos you were in elementary school.

“Here's your drink.” He places the can down and you open it, taking a sip. “So, new girl... How do you like this dipshit place?”

“I really like it. Hawkins is exactly what I was looking for.” Billy seems a little surprised, raising his eyebrows. “What? Did you think I was dragged here? I wanted to come.”

“Can't understand why anyone would want to live here.”

“I had my reasons.” Shrugging your shoulders, a loud laugh gets your attention. It's a girl you see often in the pool. She's friends with one of those girls from the locker... The girls who were talking about Billy. “Hey. Don't you have a date today? With that Jennifer girl?” It comes back to your mind, and you burst it out. “Let's go, I can take these and eat at home.” The last thing you want is Billy being mad because giving you a ride kept him from meeting some girl. So you get up, taking the plate and the can.

“Where are you going?”

“...Home? You're taking me home now so you won't be late to be with the girl.” Why do you have to state the obvious? You doubt he'd forget about a date.

“I am with a girl. Now sit down and relax.”

If this day gets any weirder, you're calling it a night and going back home immediately. “Fine. It's your night you're ruining.” You sit back down, defeated.

“Who said my night is ruined?”

“Billy...” Leaning forward, you look into his eyes. “Whatever you're trying here, it won't work.”

“I'm not trying anything.”

Alright. Time to end this game. “I'm not the kind of girl you hang out with, ok? Put your efforts on someone hot and beautiful, don't waste your time with me.” You take another bite of the taco on your plate.

“Wait. You don't think you're hot and beautiful?” He leans forward too, pushing his empty plate away, eyes on you.

He totally got the wrong part of what you said. “I'm... Ok. I'm cute but you can aim so much higher than me.” You're not blind, so you're not immune to Billy's effect. You have to admit you stole a few glances on your first days working on the pool, but knowing his reputation, you'd never let it go further than finding him handsome. “But they say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so...” You're done with the tacos, and you drink what's left of your Coca-Cola.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes then.” Billy lowers his voice, the smirk leaving his lips as if this statement is the most important thing in the world, a fact on which the whole Earth stands.

You gasp, giggling a little. “So that's how you do it. That's what you say to get your girls.”

“No. I say very different things.” The smirk is back, and you look away for a moment. You really hope you're not blushing.

“We're both done eating. Can we go now?”

“I haven't finished my drink yet.” He gestures at is can. “You don't need to leave your guard up all the time. We're just... Two friends hanging out. No big deal.”

“So we're friends now?” He simply nods. “You don't even speak to me at work, how can we be friends?”

“I'll change that, don't worry. You don't seem to have many friends, anyway.”

“I do. Monica and her little crew.” It's actually mostly just Monica, but he doesn't have to know that. “They're nice.”

“Well, you can just add me to your list of new friends then.” Billy smiles at you, and now that you get to see it, from up close, it's so damn beautiful. There's a secret behind it, something he's hiding, and it looks like he knows you're aware of that. “What do you say?” He reaches out his hand over the table. “Try to get to know me instead of judging by what you heard.”

You hesitate for a while before shaking his hand. You won't fall for his game, so there's no problem befriending the guy. And you must admit it's a little mean to judge someone by what people say. You rather judge him by his actions. “Fine, Billy Hargrove. We can try to be friends. But that's it. Nothing else.”

“Good.”

You stay at the restaurant for another hour before he finally takes you home. Your aunt is organizing some papers, so she doesn't make many questions. She's just happy you were out with someone. And you don't really give much thought to what happened. You actually had some fun today, and since you're still struggling to fit in, you're in no position to refuse any friendship you can get.

And it was kind of Billy to offer you a ride home. You're so attached to everything you heard of him that you didn't even felt thankful for his help. If he was the asshole people say he is, he'd just leave you in the parking lot, or take you straight home. But he didn't. Billy even paid for the tacos. It's mean of you to judge the guy so harshly, before exchanging any words with him. He does sleep with a different girl every night, but they go out with him because they want to. They know he won't stick to them. But this is just something he enjoys, it doesn't mean he's a total jerk. Right? Jennifer and her friend seemed okay with a one night stand, so it's obvious he's not forcing them into it. They know it's a one-time thing.

So if you take this part away, you're left with a normal guy. So, if he's not trying to make you fall on his game, maybe his intentions aren't what you think they are. It's harmless to try and get to know him. Maybe he can become a good friend, who knows?

During the next day in the pool, you're still thinking about it. You don't really understand why you're feeling a little guilty for thinking so low of Billy. So, as you're walking back to your post and Billy is coming from his chair, to take his lunch break, you decided to talk to him.

“Billy, can I talk to you for a sec?” You say when you're close enough.

“Of course. C'mon.” He tilts his head, gesturing for you to with him back into the cafeteria. You were just going to say it right here, but since he's already walking, you just follow him. Monica gives you a meaningful stare once she notices you're following Billy. But you shake your head no, trying to tell her this is nothing.

“I'll be quick. I have to get back to my chair.” You say as he sits down on the table. “I just wanted to say thank you for yesterday. For the ride home and for the snack you bought me.”

“That's it?” He seems genuinely confused.

“Yeah...” You stand there awkwardly, watching as his lips break into a smile.

“What happened to your car?”

“It'll be ready in two days. Mon is giving me a ride until then.” Shrugging your shoulders, you start making your way out. “Well, that's it. I gotta go.”

“Keep doing the good job.” He winks at you, and you can't hold back the smile that comes to your lips.

“I will.” Turning your back at him, you go back to your chair.

•••

By the end of the day, you're sitting shotgun in Monica's car, the windows opens to let the fresh wind come in.

“I have great news.” She says, smiling.

“Let's hear it.”

“Jennifer was super mad today. Now guess why.” You exchange a glance as you think if you should tell her or not. But she's so excited about it, and Jennifer has always been mean to her... So you decide to just say it.

“Because my car wouldn't start, so Billy offered a ride home. And in the process, he stopped by this restaurant and bought me tacos.” She hits the breaks so suddenly that your heart skips a beat. “Holy shit, Monica! Are you trying to get us killed?”

“What did you just say, (Y/N)?” She's dead serious, looking at you. “Explain it. And don't hold back the details.”

She drives slower, just to give you more time. She forces you to remember everything he said, and everything you said, overanalyzing every single word. She doesn't seem too convinced that Billy just wants to be friends, going on about how he looks at you. With affection, admiration. But you don't really believe that.

“Just the fact that he was straight forward with wanting to be your friends is impressive. You gotta understand this is not usual of Billy.” She says as you walk into your house since you invited her to stay for dinner. “Believe me, I know. I wouldn't be talking about Billy with you if I wasn't utterly perplexed.”

“Who's Billy?" Your aunt asks, coming from the kitchen, an amused smile on her face.

“Good evening, Mrs. Florence," Monica says, matching your aunt's tone.

“Call me Diane, dear. And tell me about this Billy.”

“He's just a friend, aunt. He gave me a ride home yesterday.” You and Monica follow her into the kitchen, sitting on the table.

“Yesterday? You came home late yesterday.” She rests her back on the counter, looking at you. You feel like you were busted doing something wrong.

“He wanted to eat tacos so since I was with him, we just stopped by a small restaurant at the side of the road.” Shrugging your shoulders, you try to act casual. But why are you trying to act casual? It was a casual meeting.

“Did he pay?”

“Yes, but–”

“Then it was a date,” Diane states before turning around, her attention back to her current task.

You feel your cheeks burning as you exchange a glance with a smirking Monica. “It wasn't a date.” You have no idea how you could make this more clear than that. “If it was a date he would have kissed me goodnight.” You use the cliche every romance movie implements, trying to change their minds. “If that doesn't happen, it's not a date.”

“Well, say whatever you want. But tomorrow you'll be going out with me and the guys. No Billy.” Monica says, gesturing at you.

Whatever. You don't have to explain anything, and time will show them there's nothing between you and Billy. “Count me in,” you tell her, looking down at your hands for a moment. It will be good. No Billy, nobody talking about Billy for a change. It's your second week here, and it feels like it's all been about him from the start. You can't wait until people realize that everything that's ever gonna happens, if it happens, is just a friendship. Nothing more.

[certifiedbamf]

Well, I've opened Tumblr. Guess I have some things to write down again.

[12DEC2021; 2045PST]

It sure has been awhile since I've opened up this app. Literally had to sign in again because I got a new phone. Anyway I'm here and I guess it's been over a year since the last time I wrote one of these...rants? Yeah a rant, I guess. Decided to change my profile picture on here because holy shit was it cringe. I don't ever read my old posts because: 1 - they're very long & 2 - they're just probably super sad boy shit and, unfortunately, probably still relevant despite the passage of time.

Basically, I don't really know what's going on. For the past, I don't know, 3 months or so I've just been going with the flow. No real goal set. No real plans to do anything. Just taking things as they come and rolling with them. In hindsight, I shouldn't have done this. I became complacent and sometimes just straight up lazy. I should've spent my time better. Spent it doing something that might actually have a net positive rather than just breaking even or just below that. I don't know. I won't say it was a waste of time because I definitely learned a good amount in the last few months. But time is valuable and finite. Sure I learned stuff but had I actually spent some time thinking about what to do rather than just agreeing to things off the cuff I might be in a much better position right now. Mentally and physically. Story of my life. No way this is the first time I've mentioned something about spending time doing something better or differently. I swear to myself I've changed and yet here I am on Tumblr complaining about the same thing again, probably.

But this time it's especially bad. I'm deploying in about a month. I'll be gone for 5 months. Very far away from everyone. I won't be in any danger or anything but it'll truly feel lonely there. Especially since it's winter. My barber (who's Korean) tells me the winters in South Korea are brutal. Which means I'll probably be confined quite a bit. COVID restrictions are rough too so, yeah, lots of doing nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about it. I'll get to do some stuff, probably. But, at the end of the day, there's nobody. There won't be anybody for me back here either. I won't even have a place to live, literally (that's an easy problem to solve though).

It really just comes down to that. I've got this big thing coming up and I didn't spend my time here the way I really wanted to. Of course, I'm realizing this now. Typical me. Realizing mistakes after the fact. A day late and a dollar short.I know it's not forever but the big bummer is going to be coming back to nothing but the same sad rigamarole. I could've used that wasted time on something that could've made me happy...in the long run.

{For you}

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I know there was a time or two in the past where you brought up my Tumblr. So, on the off chance that you happen to read this, I just have a few things to say.

There isn't a day that goes by where you aren't on my mind. That probably sounds like bullshit and you have every right to think that but it's the truth. I don't know what happened. We were talking all the time. Every day. Had a big Snap streak and everything and I just...stopped. I don't get it. That was...months ago? I haven't reached out to you since and it's mostly because I feel like I'm the last person you want to talk to. You can't be happy with me. I'm not happy with me. I haven't moved on to anyone else. I haven't just stopped caring about you. I haven't stopped loving you. I'm just lost, I guess. Only I know that. And, well, now I guess you do too. I do a pretty good job at making people think I'm fine but my mind is like a dumped out file cabinet and I keep trying to organize the things that don't really matter. Anyway, I don't know what else to say. I miss you a lot and I miss talking to you....I felt like I had you for a bit there. Then I...got scared or something. I don't know. I'm just an idiot. You were the best I've ever had.

It's your birthday soon. I'm going to ball up and at least wish you a happy birthday. But...I want to talk to you again.

[dreaminae]

We All Need The One Friend.

( Author's Note: My original intention was to write a less angsty version of Spelivia season 3, however with the hiatus things changed. In the next chapter, I jumped to episode 6. It will have the same basis as 'Teenage Love', but including my plotline changes. Anyhow, thanks for reading. Feel free to comment if you have any questions.)

Chapter 4

"You can't avoid that boy forever, Liv. Why not just call things off?" Kia asked curiously. "Even if you can't be with Spence, you should not drag out your dead-end relationship with Asher."

"It's not a dead-end relationship." Liv huffed from her end of the phone, before consuming a spoonful of her fruit cup. "We aren't connecting the same as we did before. That's all."

"Because you ditch his every attempt to spend time alone with you." Kia sassed. "Or do you not remember inviting me to the movies two nights ago as the third wheel on your date."

"What do you want me to do, Ke?" Liv scoffed repeatedly. Her hand slid to the side of her bowl where her blue water bottle stood. The blue pigment concealed the colorless liquor that the bottle contained daily. Sighing at the thought of what breaking up with Asher might lead to, Liv dragged the bottle off the countertop. Bringing the straw to her lips, she downed a small gulp of alcohol.

Her throat burned, but her anxiety lessened from the feeling of the booze numbing her insides. She could hear Kia calling her name repeatedly, but focused on her silent voice playing her head.

"It's not a pill. It's not a pill." She allowed the words to echo through her mind as she had multiple times over the last month and a half.

Breaking from her guilty conscience, Liv responded to Kia. "Sorry, bad signal."

"Girl, you need a new phone." Kia laughed, unaware of what took place in the last few moments on Liv's end of the line. "Anyway, just do what I said."

"I can't break up with Asher." Olivia rationalized. "If I do, I might mess things up between Spencer and Layla. He might get the wrong idea. Then Layla will want to know what's going on." Olivia predicted cautiously. "Nope. Things are better this way."

"Not for you." Kia scowled. "How long are you going to put Layla's happiness before your own."

"I'm not." Layla lied partly. "Layla makes Spencer happy. And if he is happy, then so am I."

The sound of the doorbell cut into the phone conversation.

"Hold on, Ke. Someone is knocking." Liv urged, strolling from the kitchen to the front door.

"Stall this conversation all you want. You and I both know who Spencer wants, and it isn't Layla." Kia snorted. "Not anymore."

"Layla!" Liv shouted, surprised to see the topic of her conversation standing at her front door. "What are you doing here?"

"It's Friday." Layla shrugged, walking into the Baker residence without another word. "We haven't spent much time together since school started. I thought we could hang out today." 

Olivia blinked in a flustered motion, confused by Layla's sudden presence. She'd made a mission out of avoiding the young producer. A close friendship wasn't in the market for the two of them in Olivia's personal opinion.

Every time she spoke to Layla, Olivia felt a ping of jealously over losing Spencer to her. It wasn't like last year either.

Watching Spencer kiss Layla that night in Vegas felt like a knife through the heart to Liv. Forced to see him with Layla every day was emotionally draining. But Liv knew she had no right to be upset.

Spencer told her how he felt, and Liv pushed him away. She ran away from him, sending him back to Layla on a silver platter. She should not resent them for what her actions caused, yet she did. And she hated herself too.

Olivia hated herself for pushing them away since summer ended. She hated herself for pushing them together. She hated herself for being too weak to go for what she wanted. She hated herself for turning to alcohol in times of stress, instead of being strong enough to face her problems. She hated that she let things get this far out of hand.

"Kia, I've gotta go." Liv bid her friend goodbye.

"Think about what I've been saying." Kia encouraged hopefully. "You should be happy too."

She hung up before Liv could argue that she was happy.

"Kia? Spencer's ex-girlfriend Kia?" Layla questioned curiously, wondering when the two girls became so close.

"Yeah, we hung out a lot over summer." Liv detailed vaguely, leaving Spencer out of the picture. "Mostly helping out with volunteer activities around Crenshaw. Plus, she's into that activist stuff that I cover for my podcast." Olivia added, barely scratching the surface with her friendship with Kia.

Truth is, Kia helped Liv a lot over the summer. They related through Liv's PTSD -- caused by the shooting -- because, growing up in Crenshaw, Kia had experience in dealing with the aftershock of shootings. Furthermore, she and Kia shared similar journalistic hobbies that opened Olivia's eyes to what she might want to do after high school. On top of that, Kia was the only person that Olivia confided in about her feelings for Spencer. Olivia trusted Kia, and with everything going on, Liv wasn't handing out trust varily easy these days.

"That's cool. We should all hang out together sometime." Layla spoke, breaking Olivia from her thoughts.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun." Liv shrugged, sensing that offer wouldn't remain on the table for very long. "Umm, so what are you doing here? Not that you can't drop by," Liv fumbled over her wording. "It's just, I thought you'd be busy at the studio."

"Coop and Spencer are in a weird state right now, and I don't want things to get awkward between Coop and me." Layla clarified to Liv.

"Right, so you're hiding out until things blow over?" Liv giggled, rounding the kitchen counter to grab her bottle from beside the area where Layla sat.

"Basically." Layla agreed. "Anyway, it's not like you're busy, right?"

"Asher wanted to have 'us weekend'," Liv answered as an excuse to keep Layla from coming up with any plans. "We haven't had much alone time since he came back."

"Alone time sounds nice." Layla agreed once more, in a similar position with Spencer. Other than their occasional late-night sleepovers, Layla couldn't remember the last time she and Spencer spent time by themselves.

"Yeah, I guess." Olivia sighed, knowing she was the cause of the lack of connection in her relationship.

At the thought of relationships, she couldn't help, but to ask her next question. "What about Spencer?"

Concern for Spencer was second nature to Liv at this point. But Olivia also wondered why Layla was at her house if she desired alone time with Spencer. Surely, Spencer was in the need of comfort if he was fighting with his closest, childhood friend.

Layla couldn't help but to fall quiet for a second in reaction to Olivia's constant concern for Spencer. Liv barely acknowledged her problems with Asher, yet found Spencer's problems of complete interest.

"He went to his family cabin for the weekend." Layla finally allowed herself to respond. "He's going to clear out the last of the boxes, and to clear his head, I suppose," Layla added, unable to give Olivia a full report.

After all, Spencer failed to give Layla a full description of the thoughts rumbling inside his mind. "I offered to go with him, but he insisted that he wanted to be alone, so..." Layla dragged out, unsure what to do.

Liv rolled her eyes at the mention that Spencer insisted upon being alone. He is always prepared to help others, but never asks for help when he needs it. He and Liv were alike in that way. Which was fine, because they had one another to hello out when they were too stupid to ask for it.

"This is the first time Spencer is going to the cabin since his dad died," Olivia stated matter of factly. "He shouldn't be there alone."

Layla cleared her throat, reading into Liv's firm tone. It was evident that despite Layla's position as Spencer's girlfriend, Olivia felt that she comprehended what Spencer needed better than Layla did.

[confusedmocha]

Journal Entry #0212404 Regarding the finale of TMA, my insomnia, and a chair. Entry written on 4/24/2021 Written statement by Mocha Entry Begins: I recently saw MAG 200, the series finale of The Magnus Archives. I'm honestly sad to see it go, knowing I probably will never see these characters again in any canon context. The finale did everything a good finale should; tied up the existing loose ends, explained the logic behind the ending in a way that was satisfying, while also creating an emotionally striking ending that was also incredibly satisfying. And Rusty Quill did a good job leaving things a bit open ended, which will (and already has) made fanfiction writers' lives a bit easier. All in all, it was a satisfying end for the characters we love, and for The Magnus Archives as a whole. Shifting gears a bit, my insomnia issues have slowly gotten better. I still have issues getting to sleep sometimes, but for the most part, I'm getting to sleep at a decent enough time. The only issue I have now is that I have trouble waking up. This is mostly due to a lack of schedule, as I am still (disappointingly) unemployed, despite my best efforts, and therefore have no reason to not go back to sleep when I wake up tired in the morning. Once I get a job, I'm sure this will become less of a problem, due to my new responsibility to get to work in a timely manner. I haven't had a panic attack in awhile, which has me extremely excited. I used to have them, what, multiple times a week? I haven't had one in a month! And my last one was pretty mild, all things considered. To be honest, I'm not really sure why my mental health has taken such an upturn recently. Nothing significant has happened, I haven't come to some big revelation. Maybe I've just. . . started to care less about how people perceive me? The worry about what everyone thinks of me has definitely taken the backseat recently, and I have been feeling better about myself lately. Perhaps the lack of that constant anxiety is a contributor to my improving mental health. In other news, I found a chair on the side of the highway. It was just sitting there, and it looked to be in good condition, so I pulled over and grabbed it. It's a wooden chair, kind of like one of those chairs you see in a waiting room. Dark wood, dark grey cushioning, fancy but very simple in design. Armrest was a bit broken, but I was able to fix it. All in all, it's a great chair. I found it a week or two ago and so far, it's been a great chair. I've really quite liked it. It still has some small bits of damage on it, so at some point I'll be getting it refurbished, but it's not that bad, so it isn't a big concern at the moment. Maybe the chair has improved my mental health too, who know? XD Entry Ends.

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn’t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[disaster-fruit]

and I know it's unfair because I haven't answered the ask yet but you're Brazilian so you know way more than me but I'd love to hear your thoughts about Imperial Brazil?? I'm really struggling with him bc i know about him in this era more from a portuguese perspective.....

YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T ANSWER THIS HUH 

Sorry for taking so damn long audshdf I was saving this ask to do a real deep dive into the whole empire with a lot of historical explanation and a lot of detail buuuut I was having some trouble coherently organizing my thoughts about Pedro II’s reign so instead I’m gonna use this ask to more loosely talk abt the first half of the empire. You’ve seen my basic thoughts on the second half on that other post, so now I’m gonna ramble mostly about 1808-1840.

Also, hm, this is LONG. It’s embarrassingly long. I hope you have time. 

And yes 1808-1822 is not part of the empire, but Brazil was no longer a colony in practice during those years, and I think they were crucial to his development as a person. 

Before 1808, Brazil pretty much grew up alone. His mother was around less and less, and he had no friends. Portugal was, as we already know, a shitty dad. Up to that point, he was not only absent but also very controlling. He never allowed Brazil or his people to learn how to read, Brazil wasn’t allowed to have libraries or universities or newspapers or even print. Portugal alienated Brazil both from his mother and from Port himself. He was forcefully kept from developing his own ideas, and his growth was stagnant – even physically. The way I see it, after 300 years he was still a small child, while the others around him were already growing into teenagers even though they were younger in actual numbers. Portugal literally kept him from developing as a person, by force. 

But suddenly, Portugal needed him. Suddenly, he showed up at his shore, with hundreds of people, and objects, and books. And though Portugal desperately needed Brazil at that time, his king couldn’t be there with Brazil being like that. That land with no cities and no libraries and no economy no nothing because he was forced to have nothing. 

He starts growing really, really fast, and forcefully again. And it was a painful process – his people were being kicked out of their houses so that the people that arrived from Portugal had where to live. In a few years, he grew almost as fast as humans did. But it was still an incomplete growth – most of his people were still living in misery, but now he had a structured state that allowed him to more firmly fit into what a nation means. But it all happened so fast he was… dizzy. 

And that was all combined with what was happening in his relationship with his father. They had both gotten much closer now that Portugal was physically there more often. I think Portugal is considerably less shitty to Brazil during these years, both because he needs him and because he is a relief from everything going on in Europe. But that doesn’t mean he became a good dad, but also Brazil was a lot smarter now, a lot freer, and quick to realize something that had always been true – Portugal needed Brazil more than Brazil needed Portugal. Much more. 

The fact that he wasn’t a colony anymore but wasn’t quite independent, and thus still had to obey Portugal to some degree, started to annoy him. This has quite a bit of teenage rebellion element into it, but that doesn’t mean it came from unjustified anger. Not at all. His pride and ego were starting to really develop. The king of Portugal liked him better than he liked port himself, Brazil was heaven on earth, Brazil was rich, Brazil was full of potential, Brazil was great, Brazil was paradise, Brazil was not his own.  

And that just keeps building.

And when Portugal starts talking about making him a colony again. After all that shit about the being a united kingdom, about Portugal being his father and trying to get close to him, of seeing him as a refuge and a relief, after all of that connection I think Portugal genuinely tried to build with him, the ugly truth is bare again – Portugal never saw him as worthy of equal footing, never saw that united kingdom as anything but temporary, never saw brazil as anything more than a colony. 

And Brazil is mad. 

When he found out the plans of Pedro I to declare independence, he’s more than happy. He’s been thinking of it for a while, and I think maybe deep down he didn’t love the idea of another Portuguese man being his boss, but Pedro had grown up in brazil, dude was carioca at heart, his wife was wonderful, Brazil could work with that. He declared independence, fought against Portugal, won, still had to pay for his independence, but, at last, he got it. 

I think in a way Brazil’s anger, as righteous as it was, did blind him to what was going on. He wanted so bad to get rid of Portugal and avoid going back to how it was when he was a colony, that he waved away or even approved things that really just kept him stuck in the same place. Very little actually changed for most people, and as someone who literally represented all the people, he knew that and could feel that, but he was still so euphoric personally about it that he… ignored it. 

Pedro I’s reign was… messy. He needed a constitution, he got into a war with Argentina, everyone was talking about who Pedro was fucking, it was just a whole mess. For that reason, I think despite declaring his independence, brazil remembers Pedro as being mostly an irresponsible asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants and was too busy being a playboy to rule this country yet still managed to be authoritarian and also made him lose Uruguay. And when it came time for him to choose Brazil or Portugal, just like his father, he chooses Portugal. 

That was a blow on his ego. Brazil at this point was still just a teenager, who had in two decades grown insanely fast for a nation, has been told by each king his land was heaven on earth and so much richer than Portugal, yet no one was willing to choose him. Ever. He was still an afterthought. Like a colony, that still had a metropolis. Pedro left him with a 4-year-old, with a government disorganized, and no money. 

And then the Provinces start to rise up. 

So, hm, a quick background on how I see the provinces: Some of them existed since around 1530, some were younger and some weren't around yet, and if Brazil first appeared representing the people that were born in this new colony, the provinces were much more… administrative and political. Yet many of the ones that were around grew much faster than Brazil – they were already teenagers or even adults by independence. They had always responded directly to Portugal and for a long time saw no connection between themselves or between them and Brazil. The idea of “Brazil” was only like… 100 years old, even less than that. And some of them were not loving being attached to those two kids – Brazil and the baby emperor. They saw the weak government of the regency as a chance to rise up and declare their own independence, as many who started as provinces around them had – like Uruguay.

The regency lasted 9 years, but I think those few years were also crucial to form Brazil as a person, due to how stressful they were. Think about it, he saw what was happening around him, with Spain’s former colonies. And I think he for the first time had to grapple with the very human existential fear of death. 

If each of his provinces became their own country, would he still be around? Would he just become… Rio? But Rio existed as a province too. Would he just… be a lot of different countries? Probably not.  He would probably disappear. He had only just started to be allowed to live, but that could be taken away at any moment. Uruguay and Rio Grande do Sul succeeded in getting their independence. How long until the others? It was quite terrifying. And I think that experience not only made him averse to the idea of being a republic in general at the time, but also created a lot of emotional and psychological problems for him, a lot of insecurity, as well as it made him realize he was nothing. There was nothing to justify his existence. He couldn’t say he existed because he wanted freedom or republic, he had none of these, plus it was something the provinces too could have. What united that land? What made him him? Those were all questions that would haunt him for the rest of the empire, and he would soon be more than willing to go after and accept easy answers. That’s how he gets to that whole indianismo think I talked about some time ago.

He fights his own provinces, on people, countless times. Revolts that really were like civil wars kept popping, and he, who was just a teenager, had to fight to oppress his provinces and force them into being a part of him, for a reason he himself didn’t know. He couldn’t explain why they should be a part of him, except that they were and he wanted them to be and he wanted to live. And he didn’t know why.

In summary, this whole period was one of fear, and insecurity, and doubt. It shook him profoundly as a person more than as a country. Because once Pedrinho was in power, things were quick to stabilize and it was, in some ways, as if those revolts had never happened, but Brazil remembered them, he lived through them, and never really forgot that fear. 

If the regency was marked by external peace and internal turmoil, Pedrinho’s reign was one of relatively internal peace and external turmoil. Pedro II was… a complicated figure. Most Brazilians today regard him as an excellent ruler and a wise man, but I at least can’t be this optimistic about the man who insisted on the Paraguayan war, refused to abolish slavery for decades, and basically laid ground to a lot of the problems we still have today, like bad distribution of land and late industrialization. He didn’t do all that by himself, of course, a lot can be blamed on the senate, but he was the most powerful man on the country, and he receives way too much credit for his personal beliefs of being an abolitionist and a pacifist. Maybe he really was both these things, but that doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t use his power to end slavery and avoid war, quite the opposite. And why is that important here? Because I think brazil, the tan, was also fooled by it. He quickly bought into the narrative that Pedro II was this wise incredible man, and overlooked all the ways he kept the worst structures of the country untouched in order to not upset the elite that kept him in power. Brazil wanted nothing but stability and power, and Pedro, looking like the opposite of his father at the surface, brought that. There were no more separatist movements or civil wars once he rose to power, Rio Grande do Sul was reabsorbed, and the years that followed were ones of relative prosperity, and all of that really made brazil more and more attached to the whole concept of the empire. I think just like he was willing to ignore a lot of things during independence for the sake of it, here too he ignored all the ways Pedro II held him back so that he could fully feel the pride of being a powerful empire.

Brazil really did like being an empire during that time. The narrative of the empire was one that answered the question that haunted him for so long – what justified his existence. Justifying it, in the 19th century, is what I believe to be the main motivation underlying everything he did and thought. And the narrative was that the empire guaranteed stability and avoided civil wars and fragmentation, allowing Brazil to be, to quote José Bonifacio, “This majestic and solid piece of social architecture from the Prata to the Amazonas”, and again, all that in comparison to his neighbors that were constantly drowning in civil wars and fragmenting. For stability and that justification, he was willing to turn a blind eye to anything else.

So he rose from the regency feeling stronger than ever. Pedrinho had put everything into place, he was growing, he had a Brazilian in power for the first time, his coffee was going well, and he had survived. Many of his neighbors hadn’t, or at least not in the sense of managing to keep their territories intact. He did. His neighbors were unstable, with wars and coups and wars (like he hadn’t just had exactly that), he was stable and growing and he was the strongest. Once free of the fear of being destroyed from the inside, his ego grew once again, and he felt good. He felt pride in being a big strong and centralized empire, and to look down on the other Latin Americans and even on his father. He was ready now to make his power and influence spread, as an Empire. 

That's it, sorry if this is both ridiculously long and also a mess, I have way too many thoughts about imperial brazil and I could've probably written ten more pages of it and still have something to say. Also I'd still love to hear your thoughts on the empire for a Portuguese perspective, because I genuinely have no clue what that would look like. But anyway hmm I hope this was fun?