#my big desire is always to provoke thought and get people to think about why they think things

[jacksprostate]

Treatise on why No, the doctor just giving the narrator of Fight Club (full name) his requested sleep medication or sending him to therapy would not have Fixed Him

Firstly, saying giving him the insomnia meds would’ve fixed him ignores the reason he has insomnia in the first place. He is so deeply upset by his place in society that he literally cannot sleep. Drugging him to sleep would not change that. That, of course, is the easy, quick response.

But with regard to therapy? The biggest flaw is that it ignores a central tenet of the book. Part of what tortures the narrator and drives him to invent Tyler is that his feelings about this collective, systemic issue are constantly reduced to a Just Him thing. His seatmates ask what his company is. He’s the only one upset at the office. He gets weird looks if he says the truth of what he does. People will do anything in their power to pretend he is the issue, as an individual, because it is far scarier to consider the full implications of the systemic issues implied by what he is saying. Everyone treats it as if the issue is him, so he goes insane. He does anything to get someone to say, holy shit, that’s fucked up, what you’re a part of is wrong. In an attempt to feel any sort of vague sympathy and catharsis, he goes to support groups to pretend to be dying, because then at least people don’t habitually blame him for his anguish. 

Saying therapy would fix him ignores that his problems are not individual. They are collective. It’s the reason the entire story resonates with people! Something deeply, unignorably wrong with society, where people would rather blame you for bringing it up than try and address it, because it feels impossible. I don’t blame people for this, really, because it IS scary. It’s terrifying to sit and feel like you’ve realized there’s something deeply, deeply wrong, but if you say something, people will get mad at you since it’s so baked into everything around you. Or, even if they agree, it’s easier to deal with the dissonance by pretending it’s individual.

And it’s not like that’s not the purpose therapy and medications largely serve, anyway. Getting into dangerous territory for this website, but ultimately, the reason the narrator was seeking medication was because it’s a bandaid. A very numbing bandaid. For these very large, dissonance causing problems, therapy does very little. Medications do what they always have, and distract you with numbness or side effects. It’s a false solution. He is seeking an individualized false solution because he has been browbeaten with the idea that this is an issue with him alone, when it's plainly clear it's not. 

Don't get me wrong. Obviously he has something wrong with him. But it's a product of his situation. It is a fictional exaggeration of a very real occurrence of mental illness provoked by deep unconscionable dissonance and anguish.  There is a clear correlation between what happens and his mental state and his job and how isolated he is. 

The thing is, even if he were chemically numbed, I do think he would’ve lost it regardless. Many people on meds find they don’t fix things. For reasons I’ll get into, but in this case because even if numbed or distracted, once you’ve learned about deep, far reaching corruption in society, it’s very hard to forget. Especially if, in his case, you literally serve as the acting hand of this particular variety. He’s crawling up the walls. 

So why do people say this?  Well, it's funny I guess. Maybe the first time or whatever. But also, often, they believe it, to a degree. Maybe they've just been told how effective therapy and meds are for mental illness, they believe wholeheartedly in The Disease Model of Mental Illness, maybe they themselves have engaged with either and have considered it successful. Maybe they or someone they know has been 'saved' by such treatments. 

But in all honesty.... What therapy can help with is mentality, it's how you approach problems. For issues on a smaller scale, not meaning they are easier to deal with my any degree, but ones that are not raw and direct from deep awareness of corruption; these are things that can be worked through if you get lucky and get an actually good therapist who helps build up your resiliency. But when your issue is concrete, something large and inescapable? It's useless. At best it can help you develop coping mechanisms, but there is a limit for that. There is a point where that fails. To develop the ability to handle something like this requires intense development of a comfort with ambiguity and dissonance and being isolated and a firm positioning of your purpose and values and and belief in wonder and all the other shit I ramble about. The things that the narrator lacks, which lead him to taking an ineffectual death knell anarchist self-destruction path. Therapy, where the narrator is, full of the knowledge of braces melted to seats and all the people that have to allow this to happen? It fails. 

And meds — meds are a fucking scam. We know the working mechanism of basically none of them, the serotonin receptor model was made up and paid its way into prominence. We have very little evidence they're any better than placebo, and they come with genuinely horrific side effects. Maybe you got lucky. I did, on some meds. On others? I don't remember 2018. The pharmaceutical industry is also known for rampant medical ghostwriting, and for creating 'off-label' uses for drugs that have gained too many protests in their original use, then creating a cult of use to then have 'grassroots' campaigns for it to be made a label use (ie, legitimize their ghostwritten articles with guided anecdotes). 

The DSM itself is basically a marketing segregation plot. It's an attempt to legitimize the disease model by isolating subgroups of symptoms to propose individualized treatments for subgroups that are not necessarily all that separate. But if the groups exist, you can prescribe more and different medications, no? Not to mention, if you use the disease model, you can propose that these diseases are permanent, or permanent until treated, considered more and more severe to offset and justify the horrific side effects of the medications. Do you know why male birth control doesn't really exist? Same reason. They can justify all the horrible side effects for women, because the other option is pregnancy. For men, it's nothing. 

And they're not bothering to invent new drugs without side effects. When they invent new drugs it's just because the last one got too bad of a name, or they can enter a new market. Modern drugs don't work any better than gen1 drugs. They still have horrific side effects. At best, the industry will shit out studies saying the old one was flawed (truth) so they can say this new gen will be better (lie). They're doing it with ssris right now. 

Fundamentally, the single proposed benefit of any of these drugs is that they numb you. To whatever is torturing you. It's harder to be depressed if you can't feel it, or if you just can't muster the same outrage. Of course, there is people who find that numbness to be helpful, or worth it. But often, it's stasis. For the people who have problems that can be worked on, it serves as a stopgap to not actually work on said problems. The natural outcome of the disease model is stagnation for those whose need is to develop skills and resiliency. It keeps them medicalized and dependent on the idea that they're diseased and incapable. Profitable. Stuck in the womb. 

I’ve been there. It’s easier, to wallow, and resist growth because it’s difficult and painful and unfair and cruel and you can think of five billion reasons to justify your languishing. But don’t listen to anyone who tells you you’re just permanently damaged, no matter how nicely they word it, no identity or novel pathologization, no matter how many benefits they promise, especially if they swear up and down some lovely expensive medications with little solid backing and plentiful off-label usage and side effects that’ll kill you. Some days it feels like they want us all stuck in pods, agoraphobic and addicted to the ads they feed us to isolate the markets for the drugs they’ve trained us to beg them to pump us with. Polarization making it as easy as flashing blue light for go, red like for stop, or vice versa. I worry about the kids, for fucks sake. That’s a bit dark and intense, and I apologize. But I want you (generic) to understand, there is a profit motive. Behind everything. And they do not mean well. They do not care about your mental health or your rights or your personhood or your growth. They care about how they can profit off of you.

For those struggling with immovable, society problems, like the narrator grappling with how his job fits into and is accepted by society while his rejection and horror in the face of it does not, it can work about as well as any other drug addiction. Your mileage may vary. From what I've seen, recovering from being on prozac for a long time can be worse than alcohol. They put kids on this shit. They keep campaigning for more. Off label, again. A pharmaceutical company’s favorite thing to do has to be to spread rumors of someone who knows someone who said an off label use of this drug helps with this little understood condition. Or, in the case of mental illness, questionably defined condition. And like, damn, I know I'm posting on the 'medicalization is my identity' website so no one will like all this and has probably stopped reading by now, but yall should be exposed to at least one person who doubts this stuff. Doesn't just trust it. Because I mean, that's the thing right?

It's so big. What would it mean, for this all to be true? Yeah, everyone says pharmaceutical companies are evil and predatory and ghostwriting, but to think about what that really entails. Coming back to the book, everyone knows the car lobby is huge and puts dangerous vehicles through that kill people. What does it mean if the car companies all hire people to calculate the cost of a recall and the cost of lawsuits? No one wants to think about the scale that means for people allowing it or the systems that have to be geared towards money, not safety like they say. Hell, even Chuck misses the beat and has the narrator threaten his boss with the Department of Transportation. And shit, man, if every company is doing this, you think Transportation doesn't know? That they give a fuck? You're better off mailing all the evidence to the news outlets and hoping they only character assassinate you a little bit as they release the news in a way that says it's all the fault of little workers like you, not the whole system. Something something, David McBride, any whistleblower you feel like, etc. 

So I don't blame you, if your reaction is "but but but, that can't be right, people wouldn't do it, they wouldn't allow it" or just an overwhelming feeling of dread that pushes you to deny all of this and avoid thinking about it. Just know, that's in the book. That's all the seatmates on the flights. That's all his fellow officemates. It's easier to pretend, I know.

But think about, how the response fits in with the themes of the book. The story, as a movie too. What drives the narrator’s mental breakdown? How would you handle being in his position? How would you handle being his seatmate? It’s easy to say you’d listen. But have you? Have you had any soul wrenching betrayals of how you thought society worked? How about a betrayal by the thing that promised to be the fix of the first? Can you honestly say you wouldn’t follow that gut instinct, saying follow what everyone says, that person must just be crazy, evil, rude, cruel, whatever it is that means you can set what they said aside?

For a lot of people, they can do that, I guess. Set it aside. Reaching that aforementioned state of managing to cope with the dissonance and ambiguity and despair is very hard. The narrator made the Big Realization, but he couldn’t cope. He self-destructed. Even when people don’t make the big realization consciously, they’re already self-destructing. It’s hard to escape it when it feels easier than continuing anyway. When it feels like the only option,

Would therapy fix the narrator of Fight Club? Would meds fix the narrator of Fight Club? No. He knows too much. All meds will do, by the time he’s in the psych ward, is spiritually neuter him. A silly phrase, but really. Take the wind out of his sails. 

Is he fixed if he doesn’t try to blow up town? If he just shuts up and settles in and stops costing money? If he still can’t cope with the things he’s unearthed? Do you see how this is a commentary in a commentary in a commentary?

Fight Club is an absolutely fascinating story because of this. The fact that it addresses the fallout of knowing. The isolation. The hopelessness. The spiral that results from a lack of hope. This is, I think, what resonates most with people, even if not consciously. Going insane because you’ve discovered something you wish you could unknow. It’s a classic horror story. Should our society be lovecraftian evil? I don’t think so. 

Do I think changing it will be easy? No. Lord knows a lot exists to push people who make these sorts of Realizations towards feelings of individuality and individualized solutions and denial and other distractions and coping methods. And to prevent people who make One realization from expanding on it and considering further ramifications. Fight Club itself gets into this; the isolation of men being a strict part of the role society shapes for their sex leaves them very vulnerable to death fetishes, in a sense, and generally towards self destructive violence. It helps funnel them away from substantial change and towards ineffectual change. Many things, misogyny, racism, serve to keep people isolated from one another, individualized, angry, and impossible to work with. Market segregation; god knows even appealing on those fronts has become such a classic ploy that companies do it now, the US military frames its plundering that way, etc. 

I’ve wandered a bit but ultimately, my point is this: Fight Club is a love letter to the horrors of critical thinking, and the importance of not falling into the trap of self destruction and hopelessness in the face of it. The latter is why Tyler was an anarchoterrorist instead of anything useful. The latter is why it was a death cult. It’s important to work through the horrors of critical thinking so you can do it, and stand on the other side ready to believe in each other. It’s worth it.

[anthonsgi]

★’･ﾟ:｡･:*:First kiss with HSR characters PT.1:｡･:*:･ﾟ’★

【Note: Hello! I haven't written anything in a while, but I recently got a surge of motivation, so why not take advantage of that? :) There will be a few parts because I want to write for many characters and the process of writing each one is really long for me so I prefer to spread them out a bit, so if the character you would like to read about isn't here, keep an eye out for future parts, perhaps I will include them there! As per usual, English isn't my first language and I'm learning as I go, please be patient with me. Requests are open! (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧】

【Pairings: Kafka, Argenti, Blade x GN!Reader】

【CW: I may have added some angst here and there, but I couldn't resist (I tried to end it with a good, slightly bittersweet conclusion each time though)! I wanted to make the characters' traits as similar to the game's as possible, but a few things may still be out of character, sorry in advance!】

a lil note: this is literally just all of these characters being absolutely SMITTEN for you and them fawning over you, but every day is a good day to get praised left and right, no?

☆〜KAFKA〜☆

It shouldn't be much of a surprise that you fell in love with this young and exceptionally charming woman. As a Stellaron Hunter, she ensures that Elio's predicted plans are carried out. That being said, you were a completely unpredicted element in a series of missions; there was never a mention of you ever being included in situations that you always found yourself stuck in. Kafka always saw it as "the usual result of the unforeseen nature of destiny," as she liked to explain to you.

After a while of simple acquaintance, she has grown more fond of you than she has of anyone. Not only were you beautiful in her eyes, which was a big thing for a connoisseur of beauty such as herself, but she felt at ease with you. She may be a sly, unbothered criminal whose prize for capturing her is enough to provide many good-lived lives for a bunch of Vidyadharas, but she actually really appreciates the times when she doesn't feel like she's being chased by people or by time itself.

Being with you was as enjoyable as studying the waves—a peaceful activity, a thought-provoking process. She desired to look at the horizon and discover more than meets the eye, however, it was quite impossible. The job of a Stellaron Hunter is challenging not only because of the relentless pursuit of destiny and the never-ending dangers but also because it entails never staying in one place for too long, never forming more meaningful connections, and never attaching yourself to finite, frail matters. Even though she knew she was more unlikely to run into the same individual twice as a Devil Hunter than she was now, her options were usually limited.

Kafka isn't one to fully hide her true feelings; she spoke very highly of you, your way of being and thinking, your appearance, and your tendency to be the miracle of one's destiny (*cough* talking about herself there). She has developed a habit of complimenting you just to see you squirm away from her gaze and bite your lower lip to try and stop a smile from forming. These occurrences weren't rare; they always followed the same pattern: she said something = you discreetly reacted = she noticed and couldn't stop noticing.

A kiss from her would be more of an indication of her love than a reveal, showing rather than declaring it. It may have happened during one of your late-night chats where you slowly opened up to one another, or it could have happened in the early morning after she invited herself into your home after you had just woken up and weren't sure if you were still asleep. In any case, without having said much, she leaned in, rested her hand on your cheek, and left a tender and delicate kiss on your lips. It didn't last long, but it meant more than a decade of stolen glances and conversations with hidden meanings.

It didn't feel like a goodbye kiss, it never did, but it was clear it was some form of leaving you wanting more, leaving you yearning for her to come back and see you again, and leaving you wondering how long it would be before she does it once more.

☆〜ARGETNTI〜☆

Knight of Beauty, a follower of the fallen Aeon Idrila. He's constantly on the journey to honor the principles of beauty itself, spreading the grace of his Goddess all over the universe. Discovering numerous forms of beauty in the ordinary and in the extraordinary. When he first laid his eyes on you, it was as if time began to bend around you, a black hole in which the concept of time didn't seem to exist, trapping anyone and everyone residing in its proximity.

Recognizing refinement in people was second nature to him, admiring their souls that mirrored their personalities and beliefs. He wished nothing more than to convey compassion to those who possessed honorable qualities, pure hearts, and desirable traits. Your beauty shone with such radiance that it put the stars to shame; your existence was an excellent reminder of Idrila's presence in the universe.

To Argenti, love is a miraculous feeling that is a joy to experience; it reflects a person's deepest desires and is an act of care so poetic that it almost brings a tear to the eye. In a way, having never experienced it before and having no opportunity to try due to his commitment to traversing in solitude, he decided it wasn't he who was supposed to feel it and that he was merely destined to admire the beauty of it from afar.

Meeting you meant the world to him; you made him feel love for another person for the first time—the all-consuming love from every classical novel he had read. The purest form of it is tragic love, one that breaks down the foundations that hold one's life in perfect balance. He spent several days and nights with you, staying in one location longer than he ever did since becoming a knight—the place where he started to ponder his destiny and his vocation.

He made every effort to push these thoughts away, thinking such things felt like a violation of the universal code of chivalry he upholds, yet when he gazed at your gentle smile as he held your hand, it was a tougher battle than that of a wax candle facing the sun. He was melting into a pitiful puddle as your very being formed him again, never to be the same as before.

One beautiful night, when the birds had gone to sleep, no expectations were laid forth, and no secrets were to be unveiled, Argenti took you by both hands, kissing each knuckle as if they would break if he put pressure on them. He spoke of you as if you were the one he had devoted his life to worshiping, his lips singing silent praises; perhaps it was a prayer, perhaps an apology. His eyes met yours, a nonverbal plea, and you leaned in, connecting your mouths in a passionate kiss, electricity coursing between each soft teeth clashing.

What an outstanding farewell kiss that was. The thought alone made you gulp down the lump growing in your throat. Argenti has to leave, or rather, ought to leave; otherwise, he's afraid he may decide to stay. He's certain your paths will cross one day; it's just the way of the world. Either way, he always finds himself drifting towards beauty. Behind him, he will leave a timeless tale of a wounded and repaired heart, as well as a dose of fate that makes no mistakes.

☆〜BLADE〜☆

The undying man who became a blade, a shell of a person, a mara-stricken monster with no hope for craved demise. His story is one of endless agony and misery. In this everlasting life, Blade's abilities are used in matters including bloodshed, spreading the pain he felt himself, and only then would he feel himself disappear, even for a moment. As bitter as that was, it was reality, his burden to bear. Blade didn't have "companionships" and never needed attachments. The closest he had to an acquaintance was Kafka, whose voice managed to calm the monsters who grew inside him relentlessly, and possibly Silver Wolf. However, he didn't understand her, nor did he wish to.

How you were able to capture his wounded heart remains a forever-unsolved mystery. He, of course, didn't decide one day that the way you laughed made him feel emotions so intense that he wondered if what he was feeling was some form of suffering he'd never experienced previously or that his intensified urge to protect you wasn't just due to the fact he was always nearby when danger struck, but because he genuinely cared. It was a lengthy process imbued with a myriad of understatements and denial. An "I love you" leaving his lips was as bizarre as the prospect of hell freezing over... yet when it did happen, you only wished to hear it again.

He frequently wonders why he finds himself faintly grinning primarily in your presence alone (and obviously during combat). When you resided in his vicinity, everyone could feel a shift in the atmosphere surrounding him, as well as a change in his usual behavior. It was almost comical to observe, especially to his fellow Stellaron Hunters, who never missed an opportunity to tease him. Nonetheless, love expressed by a presumably loveless man is as fascinating as it is arduous. Your existence was curative, helping him to rediscover parts of humanity he thought he had lost, yet healing is a part of him he has come to loathe with every fiber of his being. At one point, he distanced himself, as if limiting your healing influence on him was the sole thing that he could control about his 'condition'.

That didn't last long, and he scurried back to you like a moth to a flame. Blade didn't grasp the concept of physical touch as a kind of comfort; it never failed to remind him of how many times he had been hurt. You, once again, were the exception. Gentle arm touches, random lacing of fingers, your scent, and that insufferable (not really) look in your eyes whenever you stared at him drew him in. As much as he despised life, he did not detest the idea of living simply to be with you; that paradise that always seemed to be out of his reach, a mere push away, appeared to be standing right in front of him.

A minor brush of your body against his made you excited, but a kiss? It's overwhelming to even imagine. You'd have to initiate it, subtly steering the conversation to a topic where it wouldn't be too odd to inquire about moving to the next step in your relationship, acting as lovers. If Blade didn't wear a stoic expression on his face more than half the time, you could tell by his nervous swallowing that he would be at least blushing a little. He wasn't an adolescent, and he didn't think of a kiss as the grandest gesture of intimacy; nevertheless, that didn't free him of hesitations. Being vulnerable and helpless in the hands of another, all of his shortcomings could be easily revealed.

Kissing Blade had to come naturally when you were alone and indulging in small talk; there was no need for a perfectly timed gust of wind or a captivating blanket of stars above, just two imperfect people pouring all of their desires, yearning, and passion into a single imperfect kiss. Your lips met, linking your souls and creating a sensible spark deep within. There was no distance between you, and you were both entirely defenseless against the other's will. After you moved away, it was as if a thousand sentences were pulled from your mouths, yet no one spoke a word. With swollen lips, you were unable to resist a grin while Blade leaned in for another kiss.

lil ending note: hope you enjoyed! also, I have to mention that I know that both Kafka and Blade are Stellaron Hunters so the main problem portrayed in Kafka's part (the never being in one place too long) could potentially be brought up In Blade's part as well, but I decided that would be pretty repetitive so I wrote about Blade's history instead :D

[thatseventiesbitch]

I need to hear more about why Jackie/Eric is a NOTP for you! I’m always fascinated by why some ships are or aren’t compatible and why they do or don’t resonate with fans :) As I mentioned, I’m totally with you on the first seven of those eight UOs, so you’re never alone :)

Thanks for the ask! And I appreciate that 🧡

So, I think the first and most obvious reason I don't like Jackie/Eric is because obviously if Eric is with Jackie then he is not with Donna and that is just not gonna fly. Eric and Donna are my OTP, and I am not open to other pairings. That's... I mean, that could be the whole post. 😂

But I do have some further thoughts.

First of all, I actually think Eric and Jackie do have things in common (and I think it's a reason they could be friends). They're both into dolls/roller disco/they have similar hobbies (they would totally go antiquing together), I would describe both of them as kind of traditional, and I think they had similar desires for a long-term relationship. Not a similarity but a compatibility: Jackie likes to boss people around, and Eric likes to be bossed around.

But like - with that last example. I just prefer Jackie and Hyde's dynamic, where Jackie learns that she can't just be a bossy, steam-rolling bitch and she has to learn to ask her partner rather than telling him what to do. Jackie grew and changed there, it made her a dynamic, more likeable character, and that's a more compelling story than, well, the opposite. Likewise, I preferred how Eric goes to Donna at the end of "Do You Think It's Alright?" (the wedding registry episode) and was like 'Okay tell me what to do, I'm ready for some marching orders' and Donna was like 'No I don't know what to do either! We're gonna have to figure it out together.' Again, to me it's (1) a more compelling love story and (2) the characters actually grow and change and become better versions of themselves when together. I just don't think Jackie and Eric would provoke that kind of growth from one another.

Here are the rest of the reasons I'm team NOTP for Jackie/Eric:

Jackie and Eric like... barely interacted throughout the course of the show, *lol*. I even hesitate to call them friends. So any sort of romantic interaction between them just feels unearned, implausible, and random to me. I can't imagine them in a relationship when they could barely stand to be in the same room.

Jackie was not physically attracted to Eric. Canonically. Consistently, throughout the entire series. And we know now thanks to That '90s Show that he looks the exact same for at least the next 20 years 🤣

Eric was not attracted to Jackie's personality. Canonically. Consistently, throughout the entire series.

Jackie was also not crazy about Eric's personality. She puts him down for who he is, over and over again, throughout the series.

Eric was the love of Donna's life, and Jackie is Donna's best friend. She wouldn't date him, hard stop. Off limits. Likewise Jackie was the love of Hyde's life (even if he'd never admit it, Eric knows), and Eric is Hyde's best friend. He wouldn't date her, hard stop. Off limits.

I do not think they have any chemistry.

So as you can see, Jackie/Eric are not for me 🤣

I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere!

That said, the internet is a big enough place for everybody. There are plenty of folks out there who do enjoy the pairing, and I will leave them to it. My 'ship is not for everybody either. I get it.

[rcksmith]

Desire — Kaz Brekker

(Photo not mine)

Requests: “Hello there! I've been around this blog for a bit now and you are an amazing writer! I was wondering if you would be ok with doing something with 21 28 & 29 from the smut prompts and kaz brekker? If you are uncomfortable please just ignore this!”

“Kaz brekker Smut prompts 28 66?? Love you💖!!”

“I can request Kaz smut prompts 29?❤️”

Smut prompts:

21. “Look at you, I’ve only started using my fingers and you’re already shaking.”

28. “Such a needy little thing, aren’t you?”

29. “I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

66. “You know I don’t like to be teased.”

Couple: Kaz Brekker/ Fem!Reader

Warnings: swearing, mention of shot, mention of desire, desire, mention of smut, explicit smut, NSFW.

Word count: 3k

A/N: All smut requests for Kaz must follow these rules.

I hope you like💕 English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are open. Love you ❤️

— — — —

There was something about you. Something impossible to decipher, with a glow hovering around you like a electrical energy. Wrapping your whole body in a cloak of magnetism. There was something about the way you spoke, walked, laugh. Something about what it was like to be you, in your beauty and mysteries like a sphinx.

Something that made Kaz Brekker completely furious.

You couldn't be more distorted from the image, in Kaz's mind, than what was to be a peaceful woman. Calm, controled, with steel emotions and wit in eyes. Someone who, like him, knew how to dance the waltz of negotiation, manipulation, who could blend in with the shadows and know the best time to listen more than speak.

You were not like Inej, you were not like Jesper. Hell, you were like nobody Kaz has known in all of his 28 years.

Nothing reminiscent of calm and control would be used to describe what it meant to be you.

Your soul are stormy, loud, obstinate, too stubborn and too talkative. You needed to speak loudly, laugh, move, expose your opinions to the seven winds and to whoever listened the most. You needed to question, inquire, doubt and test the limits of any situation. A direct order for you would be an affront to your free and independent spirit. A command that would curtail your freedom or tame your strong genius was almost like an invitation for you to do exactly the opposite of what they had ordered you to do.

So, for a man of trained reasoning, subtly balanced world, and who was used to his every command being followed vehemently and promptly in blind obedience, such a personality like you was like introducing a disturbing factor capable of shaking all his judgments. Sand in a watch, or stone in a shoe, would be no more a nuisance than a strong nature like your.

The extraordinary stubbornness and mania to counter his orders - when, in your words, they were unreasonable - had made you different from all the women Brekker had ever met. Kaz liked challenges and responsibilities, a good puzzle, but you were on a level far beyond that.

You were a danger to his peace of mind. And you knew that. All his aversion to your indomitable spirit only served as fuel for your own mission in to piss him off. Few men were like Kaz Brekker, you knew that, with a strength of character too powerful to be ignored. He was not just comfortable in his position of authority as he was obviously unable to act in any other way than as a leader. His stoic figure and always so contained in a wall of indifference made you want to ruffle his hair to see if you could remove any emotion. And being a girl who hasn't always liked leaders, Kaz Brekker was a huge temptation. Few moments had been better than those that you managed to piss him off beyond what he could handle.

However, all the reasons why the two of you were so exasperating for each other, did not explain why the air crackled in ambiguity when your eyes met. The hemisphere was adorned in a thought-provoking, poignant veil, like a warm honey flowing down its throat, and there was something else in the way blood flowed like flames of fire through veins of you two.

Jesper said that the sexual tension between you was so tangible that it could be cut by one of Inej's knives, but you refused to think of Kaz that way. At least until that moment.

Not pure images of what the infamous Brekker could do to you between four walls swept you like the strong Arabian wind. Making you be surprisingly breathless. Kaz was not a man whose private life was exposed, nor was he involved with many women, but you have heard two or three of them when they were drunk saying that Kaz Brekker in the room could be incendiary.

Everyone knew that his touch reserve didn't limit him to anything, but that his job was at the top of the priority list and that sexual encounters were almost never on that list.

"It was not my fault!” Jesper defended himself one night, slightly drunk, sitting at the club's round table next to the other crows “I didn't know he was married to another man! That damn pretty face seduced me!”

"Did he seduce you?" You asked, skeptical and playful.

"I swear to God! And it had been a long time since I had sex with anyone, and I went… ”

“But you did sex last week." Inej laughed, chocked.

"Exactly!" Jesper said, as if he were obvious.

You laughed with your beer glass in your hand, taking another sip.

“Is a week a long time to not sleep with anyone?" Matthias retorted, trying not to laugh.

“Are you going to tell me that is not?” Jesper and Nina spoke at the same time.

“If a man has time for sex more than once a week, he clearly doesn't have much to do. And I'm sure I gave Jesper a lot of tasks that would keep him busy.” Kaz narrowed his eyes at his friend, and Jesper hid his guilt behind the rim of his beer glass, looking to the side.

"So you are saying that you are a very busy man?" You teased, trying not to laugh at the scathing look Kaz sent you.

"I disagree. The values ​​of hard work and discipline cannot match the hot body of a woman in bed.” Matthias said, exchanging a brief conspiratorial look with Nina, who winked at him.

"There are more important things." Said Kaz.

"Like what?" You rested your chin on the back of the hand whose elbow was on the table, the playful look of a rebellious student.

"Progress." Kaz held your gaze.

He wasn't going to take your bait. But you didn't give up easy.

"Tell me, if God gave you a deal: all the hunger in the world would be extinguished in exchange for you never being able to have sex again, what would you choose?" your eyes had a teasing feline glow.

At that moment, Kaz felt a shiver up the back of his neck, like a warm breath of autumn. Something crawled, like a snake, across his rib cage and down to his groin, pumping blood like fire through his veins.

He held your gaze, but the feline glow in your eyes promised to contain the most ardent sins. Suddenly, Kaz's mind was flooded by the wave of obscene images of you, on his bed; moaning, squirming, shouting his name and being very obedient with every order he gave you.

He would make you such a good girl...

"I don't believe in God." He replied succinctly, the predator's eyes still in your eyes audacious feline's.

A big, satisfied smile spread across your face, and you said: "As I thought. Bad luck for hungry people.”

Realizing that he had fallen right into your cunning trap, Kaz got rid of your diabolical magnetism and cursed.

“I didn't say…” he stopped, impatient “It doesn't matter. I have more important things to do than waste time here.”

But the smile you hid behind the glass was noticeable to Kaz.

After that night, the crackling, gasping flame that circled the two of you intensified to alarming levels. Kaz could feel you holding your breath when he was too close, and you could see him squeezing his cane harder when you sweetened your voice for him.

However, regardless of Kaz's wanted to fold you at a table and put an end to your brat girl pose, enjoying the groans he was sure you would let out, the two of you still fought like dog and cat.

Just as it was now.

“What do you mean, I'm not going?!” You looked at Kaz, amazed, when he told you that you would not participate in the robbery that week “I know that security system like the back of my hand!”

It was true, what you had of stubbornness, you had of technological intelligence. There was no computer that you would not hack, a program that you would not hack, and a system that you would not unlock. Your genius with technology made up for all your lack of obedience.

But Kaz ignored. “I've already told you. It's a more dangerous mission than you're used to and we don't have time for the plans you come up with right away.” He needled you.

“Are you referring to Switzerland?” You were never anything short of direct and inquiring. It was logical that you would question every orden. “But I already told you that when the alarm went off your plan didn't work anymore! I was more useful inside to deactivate the alarm than waiting outside.”

And stubborn. Holy God, how stubborn you were!

"And it cost you to get shot."

"But it was just a shot!"

Kaz looked at you, puzzled. “Just?! And wasn't it enough ?! You put the whole team at risk!”

“But if I hadn't deactivated the alarm, we would all be arrested! And only I knew how to do that!”

"My fucking God, isn't there a speck of common sense in you?!"

But you answered boldly: "Not when you impose clueless plans on me."

Mortified would be an understatement to describe how he was now. What an unbearable creature! Kaz felt the anger spread from his neck to his face, igniting his breath and squinting his eyes in annoyance.

Why was it so difficult for you to follow a simple goddamn rule?!

“Besides, your initial plan was flawed and there was no reason for me to be out when it was necessary inside and...” And you kept talking!

If you had noticed Kaz's completely enraged state in front of you, you would have been scared, shut up and ran. But, truth be told, Kaz suspected that even if you knew how to read the murderous humor in his eyes, you wouldn't have left that office. Much less be afraid. You could argue with the demon. And you would probably beat him out of tiredness.

However, regardless of the desire to shake you up, to see if that put any good sense in you, in that second, watching you gesture with your hands, defending your point of view as if it were the england queen's crown, something swept Kaz's body from the top of his head with dark hair to the tips of his illustrated boots.

The sound of the world was drowned out by the flow of blood itself in his veins. His heart hammered hard in his chest and, in that instant, a sharp sting in his groin and the pit of his stomach set him on fire.

His gaze went down to your mouth, which kept moving. And when it came up to your eyes, your stubborn and defiant gaze sent Kaz's rationality into space. He dropped the cane abruptly, which toppled to the floor with a hollow crack, and advanced towards you in firm and determined steps.

Gluing his gloved hands to your face, Kaz silenced all your protests with a strong kiss. Hot, fiery, domineering. The kind of kiss that held years of camouflaged desire, years of irritability, years of an unnerving desire to make you shut up with all the perverse forms that existed.

You weren't afraid of him. But you should. You should if you knew everything he wanted to do with you.

However, as if you have been burning in the same desire for years, you responded to that kiss with the same urgency. The same hunger. Kaz slipped his hands into your hair, closing his fingers there and deepening the kiss with ferocity. He felt beside himself, like a hungry wild animal that had been denied food for years and that only now had its teeth set on its prey. You moaned against his lips, bringing your hands to his lean, strong biceps, squeezing your fingers there.

You both needed air, but neither seemed to give a damn about that. Misted of desire that burned like a fire in their bodies, Kaz pushed the two of you backwards, slamming your back against the wall and swinging a frame beside. You gasped, and the gesture made it possible for Kaz to invade your mouth with his tongue, hunting every piece of hot meat. You two fought the same battle in that kiss: invade, dominate, conquer.

They both wanted to take the waltz, but Kaz would never let you conduct the show.

He pulled your wrists up, pinning them with one hand against the wall, leaving you immobile while sinking his mouth further into yours. Kaz felt you try to get rid of his tight grip, but he was stronger than you. And much more when he have a objective.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." He murmured against your mouth, the tip of his tongue playing with your bottom lip. “You know I don’t like to be teased.”

Was impossible for you to control the loud moan that escaped. Your body trembling with desire, your legs wobbly, your wet core vibrating with his words. Kaz Brekker was a fallen angel. With a beauty and charm you've never been immune to.

How can you think you'd win the dominance game with him?

And, like the fallen angel he was, his smug and arrogant smile painted the corner of his lips when he saw what his lines did to you.

“I didn’t know you were so sensitive.” Kaz mocked “If I knew it was only necessary to do this for you to shut up...” he brought his lips closer, his voice hitting yours “I would have fucked you like the naughty brat you have been a long time.”

If his caustic and maddening kisses hadn't been enough to break you in half, that statement would have done all the work.

In that second, you hoisted your white flag, biting your lip in a needy moan and closing your eyes for a second by the overwhelming vibration of your core. God, you needed more. Whatever he gave you. Anything he wanted to give you. You just needed more.

"Are you going to be good?" He played with the dough you were in his hands, his devilish mouth going down your neck, leaving a trail of fire and debris wherever he went.

You agreed, desperately. “Yes, Sir."

That title seemed to do things with Kaz. Because in the next second, his mouth was back on your. More urgent, more needy, more dominating. You shifted your hips for more friction with his, and Kaz rewarded your obedience by pulling one of your thighs forward, making your skirt go up, aligning your thigh on his hips and giving access for his member to fit perfectly against your pulsating core.

You moaned louder this time. Fingers clenching, heart pumping frantically. Kaz pulled his lips away from you for a second, taking his hand off your thigh and bringing it to your mouth.

“Pull.” He ordered, referring to the glove.

You murmured a low, excited moan, bringing your mouth to the glove and clenching your teeth on the cloth at the top of his middle finger. Satisfied, Kaz pulled his hand back, watching the alabaster skin peel away from the leather fabric. As soon as he was free, he removed the glove from your mouth, replacing it with his own and stealing all your breath in that fiery kiss.

His free hand wandered over your thigh, touching you for the first time with a touch that promised to show you all the most delicious and secret sins in the world. His tongue wrapped around your again, and the moan you let out was even greater when his long fingers brushed against your wet, throbbing core.

"S-sir!" You sobbed, your hips rocking against his hand, desperate for more.

"Look at you." His fire voice beat against your lips, the tightness against your wrists getting stronger, more possessive "I’ ve only started using my fingers and you ’re already shaking"

Your body cried out in unbridled desire, sobs mingling with loud moans and heavy sighs as Kaz tormented you with his fingers. He touched you, slid, opened and sank, increasing the volume of your pleas.

“P-please" You begged, the body in need, the urge too urgent.

Kaz looked you in the eye, a dark, malicious gleam burning in his Egyptian blue irises. "Such a needy little thing, aren't you?" He teased you.

But you no longer cared about his teasing. With your lips swollen and red, your heart racing and the core pulsing in despair on his experienced fingers, you were already surrendered.

"Please. I n-need." You mumbled submissively, rummaging your hips in his hand.

"I bet if I wanted to fuck you against my desk, here and now, you would be very happy to do it, wouldn't you?"

He was foisting all of his dominance on you, bending you to your knees for him. And you knew that. You knew he was taking years of anger out on you. But you couldn't care less. You wanted him. Ardently. Desperately. And if it was a good girl Kaz wanted, damn it, you would be a good girl for him.

You readily agreed, your eyes shining in supplication.

“Good.” Kaz pulled you brutally off the wall, turning you over to the table and pushing your chest against the icy wood, pulling your hips at him. “Because that's exactly what is going to happen.”

Suddenly, desire and hunger roared like a wild beast. Kaz watched you, bent over his desk, obedient, surrendered, offering every inch of your body to him.

His breath was burning in his throat and it was no longer possible to order his thoughts, contain his euphoria. He would fuck you so hard that it would make that memory the only thought when you remembered him. When you dare to rebut his orders.

Kaz pulled you skirt up and your panties down, letting out a groan that sounded more like a growl as he saw your wet core. Pulsing and desperate for him. For anything he wanted to give you. It sparked a fervent desire that Brekker had never felt in his life, devastating any possibility of thinking about anything other than fucking you.

Playing with your fingers in your slick, wet folds, you whimpered again, the core pulsing whenever he teased you inside, pressing his fingertips there but never entering.

"Do you want me to fuck you?" His voice came over the top of your shoulder, hoarse, animalistic, full of profane desires.

"Please." You were quick to beg “I do what you want! But just...please, please… ”

You already felt your eyes watering from over-stimulation, your heart burning so hard it was beating, your core aching from emptiness.

You sealed the end of the game between you. Kaz had won. In a triumphant checkmate.

And you didn't have to beg again. Barely seeing when he unbuttoned his pants, you just reasoned his hard, hot, pulsating member by opening your from the inside. Claiming everything that was yours as his in a strong, desperate, hungry lunge.

"S-sir!" You screamed, your nails scraping the wood from the table, the core pulsing overwhelmingly around his rigid member.

In a more badly lunge, Kaz sank completely into you, moaning loudly as he hit rock bottom. The gloved hand slid over your shoulder, propelled you to him while the bare hand tightened on your waist, hitting you at a steady, raw, animalistic rhythm.

The sounds were pornographic, dirty and loud, echoing off the walls. The air was hot like molten lava, pungent and muffled, driving you two lost breath. Their bodies clashed as if the world was going to end tomorrow, in aggressive, rough thrusts. These were thrusts that made half of his things on the table fall to the floor, mixing in a mess that would serve as a reminder later about the sinful activities you two did.

You screamed when Kaz took on more force, his fingers squeezing you so hard that they would leave you with marks on your shoulder and waist the next day.

"Fucking hell!" Kaz snarled between his teeth, feeling your flesh throb around him, squeezing he with such desperation that he knew you were close.

You sobbed, tears streaming down the corners of your eyes as you pushed your ass towards him, trying to bring him as deep as possible, as deep inside you as possible. But every time his pelvis smashed into your ass, a loud moan and the feeling of being completely full drowned you.

You begged, pleaded, for something you didn't know. But Kaz seemed to know. Taking both hands to your hips, your pace became even more unperturbed, pushing you to the limit until you cum in a scream in his name, your lungs on fire. Kaz came close behind, sinking as deep as possible and pouring all the hot liquid into you. Almost like a brand.

The air was filled with sex, lust and desire, filled only by the sound of their ragged breaths that struggled to stabilize.

You were still panting when Kaz's voice came after you: "Whatever I want, don't I?"

A deal with the devil.

[mandos-sluts]

The Visit

This is Part One of a three-part series

The Visit Part Two

The Visit Part Three

The Mandolorian x Fem!Reader

Rating: Explicit

Word count: 3.5k

Warnings: Smut, dubious consent, fingering, dirty talk, mentions of sex work

Summary: You are Luke Skywalker’s Padawan, training directly under him at his Jedi Academy. Din Djarin is staying at the compound for a few days to visit Grogu.

A/N: Please message us or comment if you want to be on our tag list!! Also we love feedback <3

“What does he look like?”

“He’s a Mandalorian. Big silver shiny armor. Can’t miss him.”

*************************************

Boy was he right. You spot Din as soon as you step into the cantina. He’s standing at the bar, leaning over it slightly. His visor catches your eye from across the room, and he stares at you for a while, looking you up and down, before turning his head back to the bar. He’s never seen someone so beautiful in this parsec before.

Your Master, Luke Skywalker, told you to meet Din at the cantina and escort him to the Jedi Academy. Luke had similarly informed Din that he was sending his Padawan to rendezvous.

You know all about Din Djarin. You know his whole deal with Grogu and the Darksaber, and his run-ins with the Empire and the Guild. The story of his miraculous rescue of Grogu made its way around the school after Luke brought the child back to the Academy.

The cantina that you’re at is located in the town that lies right outside the Jedi Academy compound. It’s a place that many students go to blow off steam and hang out.

You find yourself surprisingly nervous as you walk up to the tall intimating Mandalorian. “Excuse me.” You say.

“Not interested.” He says shortly without even looking at you.

”What?” You asked, confused.

“I said I’m not interested.”

“Not interested in what?”

”Your services.”

”My services?” You don’t understand. Is he wanting to travel to the grounds by himself? That’s not an option....he wouldn’t be permitted on the estate without an escort. Didn’t Luke tell him of this arrangement?

Din exhales, clearly annoyed, and finally turns to look at you. “Do I need to spell it out for you? I’m not looking for a whore.”

You stand there, completely dumbfounded, your mouth slightly open from shock. A whore? What the fuck?!!

In his defense, you are wearing a rather skimpy-looking outfit. You have on what is essentially a tennis skirt and a bandeau; it’s the hot season on the planet. Even so, this guy is an asshole.

You take a breath and put a fake smile on your face. “My apologies….Din Djarin.” You say in a suggestive manner. Turning around to leave, Din whips around and grabs your upper arm tightly, yanking you closer to him.

“How do you know that name?” Din loudly whispers in a demanding, low voice.

You’re not stupid, you know that his name is known only by a few. “My industry has very skilled people.” You respond, hoping he will get the hint that you are in fact not a sex worker, but actually the person he’s supposed be meeting.

”Are you telling me your brothel somehow got a hold of my name?” Din is pretty pissed. Is this what he gets from doing dealings with Jedi? His name gets leaked to brothels?

You let out a sigh as your eyes roll. You snatch your arm out of his grasp and move swiftly out the door into the street. What a jerk. This guy can find his own way to the compound.

Din tries to follow you, needing to know how a random whore got his name, but the streets are pretty crowded.

”Oh, Mr. Djarin!” Din hears someone say. He looks over his shoulder and sees Luke Skywalker approaching him.

“H-hi, Master Skywalker.” Din says, deciding to give up on his pursuit of you, after all, that’s not the reason he’s here.

“I’m surprised to see you here, did my Padawan not pick you up?” Luke asks.

“No. He never showed.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry about that. Let me take you to the Jedi Temple.”

************************************* You hear your Master’s voice and footsteps nearing the empty lounge you’re sitting in. It’s a pretty big, dark lit room. There’s a conference table on one end, and an arrangement of couches and chairs spread across the place. It’s always empty, and you often use the area to meditate or exercise or just hang out. You pretend to look busy, eager for what’s about to occur.

“It is strange that my Padawan did not show up to greet you.” You hear Luke say behind the wall. He pokes his head around the door. “Ah, here she is.” He says walking into the lounge.

She? Din walks a few feet behind Luke. He turns the corner and walks through the door, freezing in his footsteps as soon as he lays eyes on you. There you are, the woman who approached him at the cantina….Luke’s Padawan.

You stare into his visor with a smug half smile on your face and slowly rise from your seat. You’re reveling in how taken aback he clearly is.

“Y/n, this is Din Djarin. I thought we discussed that you’d meet him at the cantina and escort him to the Academy? He says you didn’t show.” Luke says innocently as he stands between you and Din.

“Oh. I did go to the cantina. I guess I missed you.” You say slowly with your eyes locked on his helmet. “My apologies, Din Djarin.”

Din clears his throat. “Um n-no worries at all.” He chokes out. Shit! Din can’t believe he called you a whore. How did he not see the laser sword on your hip?

“Alright, well I’m gonna get to my meeting. Y/n, show Din around, alright?” Luke says.

“Of course Master.” You say with a slight bow of your head. You plant your gaze back on Din’s helmet as it rotates to watch Luke exit.

He slowly turns his look back to you, staring at him confidently with your hands on your hips.

“I’m sorry.” He says flatly through his modulator.

“For being such an asshole?” You say tilting your head.

“Yes. And assuming you were a prostitute.”

“There’s nothing wrong with sex workers. I’m not offended that you mistook me for one.” You say. But….why does it kind of turn you on that he thought you were a whore? Ugh and why does it turn you on that he is such a jerk??

There’s an awkward pause as you both stand there examining each other.

“So, you’re also a…Pawa-don?” Din asks, trying to fill the quiet. He has never been uncomfortable with silence before, in fact, he more often than not preferred it. But right now for some reason he feels different.

“Padawan.” You correct him. “And yes.”

“So are you doing the same training as the kid?” He further probes.

“Kind of. Grogu is more in the elementary stages of training. His focus is mainly on developing and fine-tuning his sensation with the Force. Most of my training nowadays centers around my lightsaber mastery and combat.” You inform him.

“Hm. Wonder when you’ll be good enough to battle me.” Din says casually as he takes a breath.

“What?” You ask.

“I said I wonder when you’ll be good enough in combat to put up a fight against me.”

Is he serious? Is he trying to provoke you? Even after the predicament he just found himself in with you? “Ha….um….I was good enough to fight you years ago.” You declare

Din looks at you for a moment. “I’m a Mandalorian.” He says simply.

“.....”

“The Mandalorian who wields the Darksaber. So you’re either overestimating your own ability or underestimating mine.”

You take a deep breath and take a step closer to him. “I know most people think that Mandalorians are the greatest warriors in the galaxy, but that’s because they don’t know of the Jedi Order. My connection with the force gives me strength that you will never know, that you will never be able to comprehend.”

Din takes a step closer to you. “That may be, but I have decades of combat experience that is simply unmatched by you, not to mention the most imperishable armour in the galaxy.”

“So what I’m hearing is that you would like to duel.” You say as you remove your saber from its holster and activate its blade. It’s a light lavender color, thin and sleek.

“That’s cute.” Din says. “Just a reminder, little girl. You were given that light saber. I won mine in battle.” He proclaims as he detaches his saber from his belt. *see gif*

“I made it. But fair point. Now enough talk, Mandalorian, are you ready to duel or what?” You say as you get into a battle stance.

Din holds his hand out. “If, by some miracle, you do happen to overpower me, don’t touch the saber. Bo-Katan is already mad enough that I have it, I can’t imagine what she’d do if a non-Mandalorian gets their hands on it again.”

“Yeah yeah, I’m well aware of the bizarre way that the ruler of Mandalore is chosen.”

“Alright then, princess, I won’t hold back.”

You feel heat rush through your core at those words. Princess. He won’t hold back. Uggh... focus! This guy has been demeaning you since the moment you met him, show him how powerful you are!

*************************************

You and Din battle for a good seven minutes, the two of you are pretty evenly matched, neither one of you gains the upper hand for very long. Just as you’re feeling your strength falter, you’re able to knock his saber out of his hands, and you push him onto the ground. Din tries to get up and reach for his saber but you plant yourself on top of him, straddling him. He looks up at you in defeat.

He takes a deep breath as you stare down at him. That’s when you notice the tent in his pants. You’re sitting on his legs so that his bulge is right above your crotch.

Adrenaline is pumping through your veins from your victory and a smile stretches across your face. “I have another quality that puts me at an advantage that I forgot to mention: your attraction to me and your primal desire to fuck me.” You say as you slowly place your hand on top of his clothed erection. You lean down and bring your face close to his helmet. “I bet your face is just bright red underneath this helmet of yours. Not only did you lose the battle, but your urges got the best of you.” You say in a condescending tone.

Din stares up at you, his chest moving up and down as he breathes.

“That’s where you and I differ.” You say. “A real warrior has self-control and self-restraint.”

Din moves his hands to your thighs and runs them up to your hips. “Who said I was trying to restrain myself?” He says in a raspy voice.

You’re a little caught off guard. You were teasing him, and this was not the reaction you were expecting. You thought he’d be embarrassed, you thought he’d want to get out of this situation as soon as possible.

“Face it.” You say after a pause. “You can’t repress your arousal, and your lack of self-control is a disadvantage to you.”

Din’s hands are still on your hips, and he pulls you up his body ever so slightly. “So since you have such great self-control, your panties wouldn’t happen to be wet right now, would they?” He inquires in a low, sultry voice.

You’re taken aback at his shameless words. “O-of course not.” You stutter as your confidence recedes.

“Let me see.” He demands flatly.

“What?” Did you hear him right? Your heart beat is pounding, you can’t tell if he’s joking around with you or not like you were doing with him.

“I said let me see.” Din says moving his gloved hands to the bottom of your skirt. “C’mon, pull this short little skirt up just a tad more and show me that your panties are dry.”

“N-no I–”

“Fine.” Din cuts you off. “I’ll do it myself.” He says as he removes one of his gloves. He then moves his bare hand under your skirt up to your pussy, easily pushing the thin panties you're wearing aside and planting two fingers inside your sopping wet folds.

You jerk at the contact of his soft skin on your sensitive pussy. “Din!” You exclaim. You grab his hand, but don’t move it.

Din chuckles. “Looks like you don’t have as much self-discipline as you claim.” He brings his other hand and cups your cheek. “Awwww, your face is just bright red right now.” Din mocks.

“W-whatever, you still lost.” You say out as you’re overcome with humiliation.

“Mmmmm. Congratulations.” Din says lazily as he removes his hand from your cunt and grabs your hips once again. “So, y/n. You showed me how Jedi fight. Let me show you how Mandalorians fuck.” He says as he pulls your hips and grinds you against his bulge.

Your panties are still pulled aside and the friction of his clothed erection against your clit makes you whimper.

“You– you wanna fuck me?” You ask hesitantly.

“Ha. Of course I wanna fuck you. Look at you.” He says as he lifts you off of him to stand up. Standing tall, he towers over you and brings his non-gloved hand to your chin, pulling it up gently to meet his gaze.

The unexpected and prompt shift in the power dynamic has you all turned around. Just moments ago, your confidence was through the roof. You were giddy claiming your victory against him, making fun of him for getting a boner during a duel. But the tone between the two of you has completely changed. He has you weak and timid, he’s looking down at your wide doe eyes as if you’re his prey.

“Come on, little Padawan. Practicing self-control is great, but let me show you what it’s like to lose all control over yourself.” Mando says as he wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you closer to him. “Cuz I would just love to tie you up and have my way with you.” He mutters. Dins hands slide down to your butt as he gropes your flesh, pulling you flat against him. “Let down your guard for just a moment and let me show you how rewarding it can be.” Din slips his bare hand back under your skirt to find your cunt even wetter than before. You let out a whimper and bat your eyes at him.

He starts slowly circling your clit, and moves his other hand up to caress your cheek softly. “Come on.” He whispers in your ear. “I promise you’ll enjoy it.”

High-pitched breaths are escaping your lips as he gently runs his thumb up and down your cheek bone.

“Can– can you not–” you breathe, sliding your hands up his chest.

“What. What is it?”

You pause for a moment. “Can you not be so gentle with me?” You say with slight embarrassment.

Din scoffs, “Oh baby girl, you’re gonna regret saying that.” He says as he grabs a fist full of your hair and roughly pulls your head back, exposing your delicate neck to him.

This harsh action sends shocks to your pussy. “Didn’t you say something about tying me up?” You purr with a slight smile, looking up into his visor.

“So I was right about you being a filthy fuckin whore.” Din spits as he shoves a finger inside of you, his thumb rubbing against your clit.

“Y-yeah, but only for you.” You whine as your eyes fall closed and high-pitched moans begin escaping your lips.

“Ohh that’s right baby.” Din praises. He’s so turned on by the way you’re speaking and responding to his touch, and he loves the impact he has on you. How you so quickly went from a confident fighter when he lost to you, to a shy little girl when he started teasing you, to a dirty slut once he got his hands in your panties.

He starts pumping his finger faster and you can hear the lewd noises your obscenely wet pussy is making. Your mouth opens even more with your moans becoming more pronounced and your back arches. You’re standing pressed flat up against him, he’s basically holding you up on your toes with one arm as his other hand drives into your cunt.

You can feel your orgasm just beginning to climb when you suddenly hear a beep on your watch’s intercom. It jolts you back to reality.

“Y/n, are you at the lounge? I’m heading back there now.” Your Master says through the intercom.

“Shit.” You say as you push Din’s chest, pulling yourself off of him. “I should have shown you to your accommodation by now.” You say as you frantically start looking around your feet for your saber. By the time you grab it and look up for Din, he has already made his way out the back exit.

You attach your saber to your hip as you try to steady your breathing, disoriented from the abrupt conclusion of whatever it was you were doing with Din. You hear Luke’s footsteps approaching as you quickly try to put your panties back in place, growling at how soaked they are. You’re praying that your Master doesn’t notice the wetness that has been smudged on your inner thighs.

*************************************

You cannot believe what you did with Din. No one has ever done anything like that to you before. You get hit on all the time— you’re gorgeous— but you are almost never interested enough to give them the time of day. But Din? He had his fingers in your pussy after knowing you for ten minutes. How did he do that!?

It’s the early evening. You lie in your bed visualizing the events over and over again, heat pooling in your core as you replay the dirty things he said to you.

While it fuels your arousal, you also feel uneasy about the interaction. He left so quickly, and he left without saying a word to you, almost like nothing had happened. You hope that Din doesn’t think less of you, that he doesn’t think you’re some hussy who is easily persuaded into letting guys she just met finger fuck her.

You are pulled away from your anxious thoughts when you hear your intercom going off. It’s your friends talking about what they’re doing tonight. You don’t really care to pay attention, but you sit straight up in your bed when you hear something about that “Mandalorian who’s visiting the Academy,” and how he’s “at the cantina in town.”

You jump out of bed and without even thinking, you grab a sweater and head toward the parlor.

Your heart is beating on the chilly walk there. You hope he’s surprised to see you, you hope he’s excited to see you. You’re gonna act casual, yeah, like you didn’t even know he was there. No big deal! You’re just going to the cantina to hang with your friends. And then you see eachother, and bing bang boom, you guys are back in your room fucking while he calls you his little slut. Yes. This is gonna go great.

It’s a Friday night and the cantina is bustling. People are dancing, drinking, and gambling. It’s so loud that you can barely hear yourself think. As you make your way through the rowdy crowd, you spot Din’s helmet over the hordes of people. He is sitting in a somewhat secluded booth in the corner of the restaurant.

You proceed a few steps forward, lightly pushing people to get through the crowd, and then, your heart drops. He’s not sitting alone. There’s a girl, a woman, a sex worker, wrapped in his arm.

You stand there for a moment as everything goes quiet, you stare at Din and the beautiful woman in a tight short dress sitting beside him. She’s talking to him, saying things into the side of his helmet as he sits there looking forward with his arm casually draped around her, man spreading and all.

Din’s head turns and that’s when he notices you, standing there among the crowd of people in that same short high waisted skirt and a cropped sweater of the same color.

You feel something fall deep in your chest as you realize that he sees you. You blink a few times as the rest of your senses come back, humiliation and embarrassment overcoming you as you quickly turn around and stumble out of the bar.

You make your way into the dark street and take a few deep breaths before running back to the Academy. You're fighting off tears as you feel the cold air pinching every bit of your exposed skin.

You can’t believe that you let yourself become smitten by someone who was such an asshole. He mistook you for a whore, he insulted your combat skills, he pressed you to let him fuck you! You should have expected this.

A tear rolls down your cheek. Why did you think he liked you? He didn’t. He didn’t like you. And he didn’t want to fuck you, he just wanted to fuck someone, and you were the closest one to him. You let him use you. He must do this kind of shit all the time with women, you were nothing special.

You get back to your room and bury yourself under your covers, wanting to escape so badly from this reality.

TO BE CONTINUED

The Visit Part Two

The Visit Part Three

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Masterlist

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Taglist:

@pinkninja200 @raspberrymama @stevie75 @tacticalsparkles @kenoobiwan @shark-s @theamuz @blackrose8425 @beskarboobs @beskarboobs @smutslutz @princess-djarinn @spideysimpossiblegirl @riot-rotten

[just-another-blog-of-fluff]

A Difficult Question

Word count: 3000

Warnings: continued second-hand embarrassment? 😉 tickling, fluff as always

This is in response to a prompt from @sigyn-laufeyson0609 for a sequel to An Embarrassing Secret. Thanks for the idea friend! 😊 I snuck in a little soft Loki toward the end, just to switch things up a little!

* * *

You had avoided Loki for a solid week after he had revealed he knew about your blog. Although he didn’t seem to find it as strange as you’d have expected him to, you couldn’t help but feel a little exposed. Your writing wasn’t something you’d intended to show anyone, much less the tall, handsome, alien god who made you feel giddy every time he said your name.

Despite your concern that he would tell the others, no one else so much as breathed a word about your little secret. Either they were too kind to say anything for fear of embarrassing you, or he truly hadn’t told anyone else. You hoped it was the latter, although you supposed it couldn’t get any worse than Loki finding out.

You couldn’t avoid him forever, though. The first time you ran into him, other than those brief moments in passing where you ducked your head or turned the other way, you were sitting in the library again, this time actually reading something rather than typing on your laptop. (No way were you risking leaving that out in public again…) Loki had entered the library without your knowledge, having been engrossed in the novel you were reading while sitting in one of the comfortable armchairs. A sudden squeeze to your side alerted you to his presence, causing you to jolt and whip your head around to find the god smirking down at you. He shot you a wink before continuing on to browse the shelves.

Somehow, that brief interaction had eased your anxiety around him. You didn’t really want to stay away from him, after all. And it seemed like he was going to treat the whole situation as a game, which in a strange way made you feel better about the whole situation. You would much rather he use this little secret for some lighthearted flirting versus making a big show about it.

So, you went back to your usual routines, no longer trying to shy away from him. He rewarded you with the occasional poke to the side while passing by you in the hallway, or a quick pinch to the soft skin above your knee during movie night with the team. And, maybe, you started trying to provoke him a little more. Doing little irritating things like stealing the last cookie right from under his nose or changing the channel during one of the rare moments he was actually watching something on the television usually earned you a couple extra scribbles to the belly, or a fluttering of fingers to the neck.

It never lasted longer than a couple seconds at most, though. Most of the time that was plenty for you, just long enough to make your heart beat faster with adrenaline and for heat to prickle in your cheeks.

But not today.

No, today you were really in the mood to be tickled senseless. You were even making sarcastic comments to some of the other Avengers, hoping that someone might just decide they’d had enough of your sass. Although no one else knew you actually enjoyed it, everyone was aware that you were more ticklish than the average person. It was uncommon for the others to take advantage of it, but on rare occasions Thor or Tony would dig their fingers into your ribs to get you to stop talking if you were being particularly annoying. Today, though, no one was getting the hint.

You didn’t see Loki until later that evening, when you stumbled across him in the common room. He was alone, sitting on the couch with his back leaned up against the cushions and his feet up on the coffee table. He had a book in his hand, which he seemed pretty focused on, turning a page every few seconds as his eyes skimmed across the aging pages.

“You’re hovering again,” he observed suddenly, never once lifting his gaze from his book. Startled, you left your position from the doorway and entered the room, taking a seat on the other side of the couch.

“I’ll never understand how you know people are there without even seeing them,” you marveled.

“I’ve told you before – it’s impossible to sneak up on me.”

“Well maybe I’ll be the first someday.” You sat back against the couch, and silence blanketed the room, save for the occasional crinkling of the pages of Loki’s book as he continued to read. You realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to try to provoke the Asgardian to tickle you – you were alone in the common room, and he seemed to be in a state of focus where he would be pretty irritated if you broke his concentration.

You wanted to be subtle, though. You wouldn’t want him to think you were asking for it, after all, and as he was the only person who knew about your secret, you figured he would see through you pretty quickly if you tried too hard. So, you started simple by leaning forward and picking up the remote from the coffee table, turning on the television. You found a program he had previously expressed disinterest in and set the channel to that, settling back against the couch cushions, and turning up the volume.

Loki was silent despite all of this, so you stole a glance in his direction. His brow was furrowed a little, but his gaze was still fixed on the pages of his novel. Need to try harder, you thought to yourself. You cranked up the volume a little more and laughed a little extra loud at every joke. After trying this for a few minutes, you risked another glance in his direction.

Nothing. Not even a flinch.

You were starting to get a little desperate. The desire for someone to tickle you had settled itself like a flame in your belly, and it had been slowly building all day long. But you were too proud, too embarrassed to just come out and ask for it. You had to find another way.

You turned your body so you were leaning back against the arm of the couch and stretched your legs out across the couch cushions, your feet only inches away from Loki’s leg. This time, you didn’t even chance looking over at him, knowing he wouldn’t try anything if he thought you were expecting it. You sat still for a maddening amount of time without finding any success in your attempts. You stretched one leg out a little further and tapped his leg with your foot.

Nothing.

You tried again, this time with a little more force. At long last, the trickster looked up from his book to glare at you.

“Can I help you?” he asked, his tone flat.

“Uhh… no, sorry,” you replied quickly. He turned his attention back to his book, and you turned back to the TV, feeling a bit deflated. Your mood was still gnawing at your insides, though, and you weren’t quite ready to give up just yet.

You waited a few moments, trying to think of another way to get on his nerves. Maybe you just needed to try a different angle.

“So… watcha reading?” you inquired.

“Shakespeare,” he stated without looking up.

“Oh. That’s really old though, isn’t it?”

“’Old’ is a relative term. What you consider ‘old’ is actually quite new for someone my age.”

“Right. Because you’re old too,” you snickered. This got him to look up at you again finally.

“Pardon?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.

“Well, like you said, ‘old’ is relative. So, compared to me, you’re really old.” You held his gaze, a triumphant grin threatening to spread across your face.

“Yes, I am ‘old’ compared to you I suppose. And yet, you still seem to like what you see.”

Your face flushed hot.

“I- well- that’s not… never mind,” you huffed, turning away from him once again. You heard his book snap shut, the cover making a small thumping sound as he set it down on the table.

“You seem a bit off today. Is there something with which you require assistance?” You glanced up to find his blue-green eyes fixed on you. It was difficult to read his expression – he wasn’t annoyed, but he wasn’t overtly amused, either.

“What? No. Why do you ask?”

“Well, you’re watching a television show you and I both know you hate, laughing loudly and turning the volume up, and just generally trying to capture my attention,” he listed. “If I didn’t know any better, I would assume you were trying to get me to tickle you.”

“W-what!? Pshh. That’s… that’s ridiculous,” you stammered, folding your arms defiantly across your chest. “Just because I don’t mind it doesn’t mean I would ask for it.”

“I see.” Loki sat back against the couch again, picking up his novel and reopening it to his bookmarked page. “So, you won’t mind if I go back to reading in peace, then?”

“Nope,” you affirmed, popping the P for emphasis. You leaned back into your seat once again, your arms still crossed. You changed the channel to another show you were more interested in so you could try to forget about this whole thing by distracting yourself.

Once again, the room fell silent, with the exception of the voices on the television and the flipping of Loki’s book pages. Your heart sank deeper in your chest in disappointment. You almost had him there – why did he have to go and ruin it by observing out loud that you wanted to be tickled?

“Honestly, y/n, you look as if someone put something sour in your drink,” Loki said finally, placing his book back on the coffee table.

“I’m fine,” you insisted flatly, refusing to look at him.

“I’ve told you before – if you want me to tickle you, all you have to do is ask.” You observed him in your peripheral vision, your stomach swooping at the mischievous gleam in his eyes.

“No,” you stated.

“No? No what? No, you don’t want me to tickle you? Or no, you refuse to ask?”

“Just… no.” You pulled your feet closer to your body, sitting crisscross on the couch with your arms still folded across your torso. Loki chuckled, a smirk tugging at his lips.

“You sound like a petulant child.”

“Do not!” you argued. Loki didn’t respond – he merely held his hand out at you, silently noting that you’d proven his point. You huffed and turned away from him, pretending to turn your focus back to the television.

“I know exactly what you’re trying to do, darling,” he sang, scooting closer to you on the couch. “You are hoping to provoke me sufficiently to make me retaliate and tickle you. You’ve been doing so since you saw me from the doorway. Don’t try to deny it.”

Heat was crawling up your neck into your cheeks again, and you squeezed your mouth shut, shaking your head defiantly. He shuffled a bit closer, now only inches away from you. “I’m sorry to tell you, dear, but you’re going to have to ask me properly.” You let out an involuntary groan at that, your heart pounding at the sheer proximity of the god beside you. “Use your words, darling. What is it that you want?”

Your resolve was breaking. This whole exchange was only enhancing your lee mood, and he’d made it clear that you wouldn’t get anything out of him without actually coming out and asking for it bluntly. It was difficult to form the words in your mouth.

“I… erm… could you… uh…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” he teased, his smirk broadening.

“Could you… would you, maybe… couldyoutickleme?” The words finally came tumbling out of your mouth, and as soon as you said it you found yourself pinned down on the couch, the god of mischief hovering over you with a victorious smirk on his face.

“Now, y/n, was that really so difficult?” Before you had the chance to tell him exactly how difficult it was, he cut you off by digging his fingers into your ribcage. He knew it was a weaker spot, drawing rambunctious laughter from you as you grasped his wrists. You weren’t really making any effort to try to push him away, of course, but it gave you something to do with your hands. “For someone who wanted this so badly, you’re making it exceedingly difficult with your incessant squirming.”

“I cahahan’t help ihihit!!” you exclaimed, arching your back as his fingers darted down to your belly. He wouldn’t give you the chance to get accustomed to one spot, quickly moving to scribble into your sides or drill his thumbs into your hips. It was exactly what you’d been hoping would happen all day today, and yet still you could barely handle it as ticklish shocks wracked through your body.

“Let’s see, now – where else are you ticklish? I don’t have your little narratives open for reference this time, so I suppose I’m going to have to find out for myself,” he pondered aloud, tone laced with mischief. “Ah! How about here?” Loki slipped his fingers under your arms, causing you to clamp them down to your sides. That didn’t stop him, though, continuing to vibrate his fingers into your uppermost ribs. The sensation made you shriek, throwing your head back and laughing with abandon.

“Nohoho Loki! Not there!” you cried, feebly pulling at his wrists as much as you could with your arms pressed to your sides.

“No? On the contrary, dear, I think it’s a perfectly effective spot.” You twisted involuntarily, accidentally rolling off the couch and face first onto the floor with a thud. Loki was at your side in a flash, kneeling beside you with a hand on your shoulder. “Are you alright?”

“Y-yehehes,” you giggled, heart fluttering at the idea that he was so concerned about you possibly being hurt. You turned to roll onto your back to look up at him, but he pressed down on your shoulder, holding you in place.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked ominously, his fingers moving to dig into your ribcage with renewed vigor. Not being able to see his hands was so much better worse. You tried desperately to roll onto your side but each time he would shift both hands to the newly exposed side, forcing you to roll back onto your stomach to protect the sensitive skin there. “Shall I ‘go in for the kill’ as they say?”

“No! Don’t! Anything but that!” you pleaded, although you both knew your heart wasn’t really in it.

“Sorry, darling, but as I recall, you did ask for this.” With that, his fingertips scribbled into that wretched spot on the back of your upper ribs. You kicked your feet against the floor in ticklish agony, your laughter pitching up an octave. Before long, your laughter grew silent, prompting him to ease up on you and scratch lightly at your sides. You turned to roll onto your back, and he allowed it this time, chuckling at your disheveled state. You took a moment to catch your breath, chest heaving with exertion, and you twitched occasionally when his fingertips found an extra sensitive spot on your side.

Loki’s fingers stilled against your sides, and you frowned up at him, feeling a sense of loss without his touch. He laughed heartily at that, a genuine smile spreading across his lips.

“Silly girl, was that not enough for you? Do you need me to continue?” Before waiting for your answer, he reached down and fluttered his fingers behind both knees. You squealed in surprise, giggles spilling from your lips. Loki sat on your shins to avoid any accidental kicks to the face, shifting to knead at the soft skin just above your knee on your inner thigh. You hadn’t anticipated just how unbearably ticklish that spot could be.

“Wait wait wahahait!! Stahahap!!” you cried, trying desperately to yank your legs out from under the Asgardian.

“Ah, I see I’ve identified a new– what do you call it? ‘Death spot’?”

Your laughter was growing hoarse, and Loki took this as his cue to let up again, getting up off your legs and kneeling beside you. You were exhausted, but the endorphins coursing through your veins made you feel giddy.

“That… that was mean,” you said breathlessly.

“I’ll remind you once again, you asked for it,” he retorted.

Loki stood up and offered you a hand to help you off the floor, which you gratefully accepted. You stood there awkwardly for a moment, not certain what to say. For the first time, you noticed Loki was also at a loss for words; his hand moved to the back of his neck, and he glanced around the room, uncertainty in his eyes.

On a whim (or maybe it was just the residual adrenaline, you’ll never know) you leaned forward and wrapped your arms around the bewildered god in front of you.

“Thanks, Loki,” you whispered into his shoulder. He stood frozen for a moment before finally sliding his arms around you as well, squeezing you tight.

“Anytime, love,” he replied, his voice low and gruff, softer than you’d ever heard him speak. You hugged him for another moment before releasing the trickster and hurrying off to your room, hoping to hide away before you could say anything to ruin things.

And, you can bet, you would be doing some more writing tonight.

Part 3: A Cozy Evening

[funkymbtifiction]

Creativity in ESFJ and ENFP (2w1 216 tritype)

Hi, love your blog - I am reading it for months  - it's so interesting. I love how you explain complicated things. I'm not an English native, so it's a big plus for me. I'm interested in MBTI and Enneagram for years and I still don't know whether I am ESFJ or ENFP. Persistent depression with anxiety doesn't help. [...] I know I have Si and Ne, but I don't know whether I am FeSiNeTi or NeFiTeSi. [...] I am pretty sure that I don't have Te, but using cognitive behavioral therapy I stopped living all day with my feelings and started to act.

This sounds more ESFJ to me already, since an ENFP can step away from their feelings to be more objective and you don't relate to Te. Te is what I call "duh logic." The obvious kind where the solution is bluntly obvious to the person using it. Have you seen that hilarious dude on TikTok who mocks people who create 'hacks' that are ten times more difficult than the OBVIOUS solution right in front of them? This guy. That is what Te is. The "DUH, just use a can opener" function. The "the damn solution is obvious" function. Regardless of its placement in the stack, it always shows up as ".... why do you complicate stuff unnecessarily when the solution is obvious?"

Being totally lost in your feelings all the time is also very feeling-dominant, more so than an ENFP who is lost in their fantasies all the time (their idealism, their forward thinking, their living in their mind in terms of seeing how things might play out and being invested in that fantasy, but then abandoning it and moving on to some other idea). ENFPs can even struggle to locate their feelings sometimes.

I have two sides in me - one wants to be a writer and be the best. The other want to live in a peaceful place with my fiancée, have a dog, make a living as a content writer (which I am for 5 years and love it, but I wish I have more energy and earn more). I know the second side is better, healthier and more realistic and I am taking that route, but it's hard to not think about the first one. I'm 31.

If you are taking the more realistic second route, it might indicate ESFJ since they are more aware of practicality and being "normal" than ENFPs, who tend to live less conventional lifestyles.

Could you tell me how creativity looks in ESFJ and ENFP if they are self-pres 2w1 216 tritype?

ENFPs who are creative prioritize that as their highest goal, since they see the world in terms of sharing ideas and dialogue; they want to provoke change in the world, inspire people, and reach them through what they write, and many of them assume that they are going to get rich and famous doing this, but they have no idea about traditional publishing models and no patience for the "slow path." They just want to get their stuff out there. An ENFP 2 is going to be people/love/service oriented, but still feel a strong need and desire to follow their Fi need to be creative.

ESFJs on the other hand struggle a lot to let go of their sense of obligation to others and their feelings and to carve out time to be creative when it interferes with their connection to loved ones. It's fairly normal for ESFJ writers to love writing, but to find that "life" takes over for them, and so they don't do it for long periods of time while taking care of their kids / responsibilities, and then once that's all done, they can ease back into it. They are so bound to the needs and desires of others, it's difficult for them to justify carving out alone time to work on a novel.

I talk about how each type writes fiction (the thought process that it involves) in my book, so maybe you would find that insightful. :) It's called 16 Kinds of Crazy and you can find out more information about it on funkymbti.com.

[specialofficerlemons]

Malevolent and Plurality

I originally made this post on my main, but I wanted to clean it up and post it here and add more thoughts because I re-listened to part 22 and have more thoughts about that.

These are just the stuff that was bubbling in my head tonight so they're pretty rough and they contain spoilers up through part 22. These are only concerning John and Yellow. I'm very interested in what other plural fans think of this. All of this is just my onions so I'm welcome to hear other people's onions, just please be respectful.

Both John and Yellow start from the same place, so it's not a surprise that they are both survival oriented, trauma holder, persecutors. The big difference between them is the power dynamic in play. The first go around, with John, he had the upper hand. Arthur had forgotten everything that had happened and John had that knowledge. With Yellow, even though he had Arthur's eyes, Arthur had the upper hand in terms of knowledge.

John was given time (by the narrative) to grow and learn about humanity and, in a way, heal somewhat. He lived in The Dark World for an essentially timeless amount of time that on earth was about a decade (iirc). That's a serious ongoing trauma! Now, I'm looking at it from a human perspective and not the perspective of the fragment of an elder god, but work with me. In the beginning, John is motivated purely by survival and it just so happens that his survival is tied to Arthur's. He has a cool almost aloof exterior, but he's easily provoked to anger and easily triggered when faced with the possibility of more trauma, either returning to The Dark World or, later, being separated from Arthur and returning to The King in Yellow and losing everything that makes him him, his sense of self.

You can see this happen during Arthur and John's big fight in the temple in the Dreamlands. When Arthur starts hearing and listening to the voice of Frank, this is upsetting to him. In some ways, Arthur's accusations are accurate, that he is upset because this is the first time he doesn't have control, that he's out of the loop. But it isn't because he has some petty desire for power, it's because being cut off from this sensory information makes him extremely vulnerable, because he's scared. He's scared that things are going to go wrong because he can't be part of this conversation and that it will send him back to the trauma situation. John ends up lashing out and saying some really cruel things he doesn't mean out of fear and anger. He always tries to repair his relationship with Arthur though and there's a big difference in how he treats Arthur in the Dreamlands than at the beginning of the show. He may still be quick to anger, but he's also much freer with praise and when Arthur (*coughcough*the audience*cough*) makes a choice that he didn't want, but turned out to be the right or better choice he points out why it was a good decision.

Now let's talk about Yellow. Yellow starts from almost the same starting point as John, but not quite. John was somewhat aware of being in the book and then asking Arthur to read it, he was aware of killing Parker, and there were things he was able to put together about Arthur from context. Yellow is completely in the dark. The only thing he has of Arthur's is his eyes. He attempted the same bluff and manipulate gambit that worked really well on Arthur the first go around, but back then, Arthur had nothing. Now Arthur holds all of the cards, with the exception of his own eyes.

Here's where things get muddy. Arthur was hoping he could use the power of friendship or love or what have you to get this entity to remember memories he just didn't have, to essentially be somebody else, and when that didn't work, he was frustrated and upset. This causes him to lash out at Yellow for not being someone he's not. Yellow is back in survival at all costs mode except this time Arthur isn't just a tool for his survival that he's tied to, he's an active threat to it. From Yellow's perspective, he just got out of The Dark World and the first thing that happened to him was the person who's body he was trapped in told him a bunch of shit that he forgot, got really upset that he wasn't somebody else, and made (to the best of his knowledge) a credible threat to send him back to hell.

It is no wonder that Yellow is surly and uncooperative. He is in a really complicated position because he doesn't know where the boundary between being told to shut the fuck up and get sent back to the torture dimension are. From Arthur's perspective, it's him fighting with the voice in his head that's what John used to be like so he's familiar with it. From Yellow's perspective, he can't always control his mouth and he's mean and rude, but he doesn't know where the line is and he feels like he's walking on eggshells and he's terrified that Arthur will decide that he's had enough and will just say 'fuck it, I'll go without eyes, I'm sending you back to The Dark World'.

*Now that I’ve re-listened to part 22 I can say more about Yellow.

John had time to mature, essentially. He had time to learn about the human world from observing through Arthur’s eyes and observing Arthur’s own behavior, especially because John was trying his bluff and manipulate gambit. Yellow is called out immediately so he has no reason to pretend to know about human things. He is also forcefully made aware of the fact that he is a fragment of an elder god so he pretty quickly adopts the opinion that human things are, in fact, beneath him. This really limits the communication between him and Arthur, even after Arthur tells him the truth, because Yellow feels like why should he even bother understanding certain things, let alone communicating about them with Arthur. Even when John was lying to Arthur about things, he was more invested in understanding the world around him. Yellow, having been put in defensive mode from the get go is really locked up.

In some ways, I see a Little in Yellow. A lot of trauma holders and survivor oriented alters (in human systems) end up being Littles in disguise. Someone who experienced a trauma at an early age and was stuck there, often having to make themselves big and scary to try and survive. It’s only after they’re given time to heal in a safe, secure, stable environment that they are able to let their walls down and start exploring more of their identity beyond survival. The thing that reminded me of a Little in Yellow was the “what is philosophy” conversation. Yellow (and technically John) had no time to learn about things like philosophy and art, think about things like poetry and death, in The Dark World. Even if The Dark World had been a more mundane kind of human trauma and not an eldritch extra-planar torture dimension, when you’re in survival mode, things like that are a luxury that you cannot afford to indulge in. The difference (again) is that John had time to learn and mature after he was freed from the book and Yellow did not.

None of this is to say that Arthur is evil or an abuser or a “bad host” or anything like that. Arthur has gone through a not insignificant amount of trauma himself, even before he got tangled up in all this mess. And that’s kind of the way it goes in systems. System members don’t always get along. Sometimes they have different goals, sometimes they fight, sometimes they are afraid of what another will do if given the opportunity. I would even say that Arthur’s fear of his body being taken over is a good allegory for someone learning they have DID. It can be really scary to know that your body is being controlled by someone else doing things without your permission! Especially things that you don’t want to be doing! That’s something that also makes his cooperation and relationship with John something I really appreciate because they can model some really good communication and conflict resolution skills. We also see this when Arthur comes clean to Yellow: he tells him the truth and Yellow is understandably very angry with him. Arthur can even sympathize with Yellow and recognizes that the things that he says are the exact same things that he, in the past, said to John. He does try to justify his decision, but he doesn’t try to convince Yellow not to be angry with him because he understands that, even though he had his reasons for doing what he did, what he did was really fucked up.

I started to write some about Arthur, but it was less about plurality and more about his life and Lovecraftian horror and what it represents so I’ll save that for another post.

[animeyanderelover]

Omg it's been so long since I've gotten here in time when requests are open but here I am anyway I hope your doing ok and things went well with your visit with friends &Grandparents anyways I feel weird asking it but after reading your intepretation you caught my intrigue I'd like to request yandere Ging hc of him with a s/o who always tries to move b/c he annoys her but he keeps coming back !!! Feel free to make it soft 😊

It's been a while indeed since I've seen you so I'm happy you made it. Sorry that it took so long, but school enables me to only write one post per day😞. Buuut...I have only one week left before holidays and the last week we won't do much anything so I hope that by tomorrow I'll be able to write more again!

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, obsessiveness, stalking, Ging annoying the s/o, meltdown of the s/o

Annoying

🍎I feel you, darling. It has to be exhausting to never know when exactly this man comes back or not, the times he just pops up in front of your house or has already somehow broken in and acting like he is at home. Ging simply can't help making bad impressions on his darling due to his constant absence and the indifference he seems to possess whenever they're pissed and want to scold him for his behavior. As someone who would like avoiding such arguments, he either disappears yet again or at least tries to calm you down in a way that doesn't help in most cases.

🍎You think moving away will work, hmm? Sorry to tell you, but it won't. Despite the impression that Ging doesn't look like he cares much and is a rather messy person, he is a respected Hunter. Connections, the possibilities he has with the status of being a Hunter and his very own skills are nothing to be forgotten and so he will have the new location of his darling found out the moment he finds out that they've moved. It's not like he pushes you into a corner for it the next time he just appears in front of the darling's door, ignoring their flabbergasted impression and going inside.

🍎The Hunter has already figured out from the very first incident why exactly you wanted to move, you were happy in your old home with the only thing annoying you being him. Ging is aware of his behavior and that it often has you feel like you want to rip your hair out yet he never really considered it too deeply. That is the kind of guy Ging is and it makes him a horrible person in more than just one pair of eyes. It just feels like he is not taking his darling seriously and ridicules them and that hurts, not to mention that he is so often away.

🍎So maybe now is the time to start recalling his actions and that he's made you go livid to the point where you do not want to be with him anymore. It becomes more and more visible every time you move away, slam the door shut as soon as he knocks on it or just refuses to open it at all. Something he would call "overreacting" at first seems to only turn more and more turbulent until the very first time his darling has a complete meltdown in front of him whilst he was telling them to chill out. Hysterical screaming and yelling whilst starting to burst out in tears before pushing him with violence out, slamming the door shut behind him.

🍎That was the first time Ging shut up when witnessing all of this, freezing and not knowing what to do. Even after he has been kicked down he doesn't know how to act, only the cries inside the house accompanying his thoughts for a while until you seem to calm down a bit. Overwhelmed would be the word to use for him, the feeling of helplessness and confusion, the feeling of having no idea what exactly to do now. It is the very first time his darling has given him such a emotional reaction, a highly negative one. The turning point where Ging has to ask himself if things can really stay the way they are or if he has to do something.

🍎Obviously he acts like a horrible person, but maybe he just happened to hit the wrong nerve after pocking for so long at you, maybe you just had enough. And as much as he hates troubles like those, even he is not too dumb or lazy to think that he can just act like he always did. Not this time, you clearly despise him by now. And that is not the kind of relationship he wishes to have when with the s/o. But the biggest problem for him now is what he is even suppose to do. He's no expert and will never be. How does someone apologize to their loved one without ruining things even more?

🍎The sudden disappearance from this man is something you're used to and wish for and that is what happens after. But not exactly for the reason you think. Ging believes that what you need now most is time to calm down, visiting you right after your outburst is not a wise option. Additionally he himself needs time to think now on what he should do, how he can make things right again. Well, as right as possible at least. It's written all over his face that something is bothering him and some people actually speak to him because of it. And Ging...well, after some time he tells them in vague details what is on his mind.

🍎Such talks are what turns out to be a big help because some people are surprisingly helpful. Especially all those married people who somewhat sympathize with the Hunter tell him in return their stories and what they did to make up with their partners and lovers. Lots of different advices and stories and yet Ging finds himself still having troubles. He's never done anything like this before so he is more nervous than he would like to admit after he has been away for a bit, tracking down the new home of yours again. Something really has to change.

🍎Blocking the door with his foot as you try to slam it shut right in front of his nose again is within his expectations as well as the yelling and he endures it with the same angering calmness as he always does. It's all the same in his darling's opinion. Until the very moment where he actually pulls out a bouquet of flowers from behind his back, handing them in a somewhat shy manner over. The man is highly embarrassed about it, not able to look his darling straight into their confused face as he stutters out an apology he has practiced beforehand. The practice was useless though, in front of the s/o this is a completely different thing.

🍎Instant forgiveness is not what you give him nor does he expect this. He did go too far about this time and he knows that he should stay to fix this. And he does. Somewhere else of course but it is the very first time he stays for a really long time since the grudge you have against him is not easy. During this time he comes to realize something uite importantt himself, how much of your life he actually missed whilst being constantly away. There are new hobbies and new friends you didn't know you had before and some of those friends are people he doesn't like. Because they're too close and you ignore him for them.

🍎It's rather silly since they're the only ones who kept you company whilst he was always away and he deserves this, but karma is a bitter bitch as he experiences himself. The relationship you two once had is in your eyes probably no more, increasing the danger of you falling in love with someone else, someone who will actually stay with you. Maybe that is why Ging turns unusually petty, following his darling around and biting his tongue when he catches them with one of those people he has officially recognized as love rivals. What a nasty feeling jealousy is and how frustrating your grin is when you caught him jealous for the very first time in a long while. Seems like the roles have reversed, haven't they?

🍎Using his connections is an option, but by now Ging is far too much provoked to do this himself. Not like he was planning before to use it, another drama with you is the last thing on his list he wants. His darling is letting him dance around here for quite a bit to the point where he accuses them mentally for being a sadist since he is pushed to do so many things he never did before and for that feels extremely awkward. Yet he goes through everything with embarrassment burning his skin, the desire to want the relationship far greater.

🍎The s/o comes to realize that he is serious as well, though doubting it at first. But the constant small gifts and the fact that he apologizes whenever he sees themplus tehe valuable fact that he stays around for a very long time convince them after some time. But forgiving him sweetly right after isn't what you would want after all the emotional roller coaster. You'll get back at him for everything before you shall grant him the relationship back. It takes a very long time and by the end of it Ging has probably the most frustrating months of his entire life behind him so it's safe to assume that now he knows how you must feel. Believe me, he has learned his lesson of a lifetime to treat his darling better from now on.

[chisheya]

hanahaki disease [niragi x reader x chishiya] highschool au!

Summary: love is reckoned to make us powerful; not susceptible - as much as i tried to convince myself that. as much as i tried to stay strong; tough and heroic, enough to risk it all and let my emotions surge on the exterior. strong enough to be crushed yet again, to love and be loved again - knowing my fragility. 

 i’ve known the agony and lament sufficiently enough that it demolished my sanity, left my soul burning away, gradually fading into ashes and disappearing like dust under the moonlight’s breeze. and the funny unfunny part is - i wish i had told him, perhaps one day i will. 

‘‘I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you. My love bloomed like a flower in my chest.’‘

Tag list: (if you want to be tagged, let me know because the previous post got deleted for some weird reason lol)

Word count: 2.5k

The sun's soft twinkles crawl over house rooftops, and in an early hour, despite it, it still felt like a chilly morning. Early as it is, the neighborhood was caught up with parents rushing with their children, some going to work, some even rushing late. Thankfully, the riots of youngsters were vetoed by the sound of Supermassive Black Hole by Muse playing through my earphones. I was deliberately walking down the alley on my way to school, gripping the hem of my uniform and cursing to myself that this skirt was of no use to at least keep my legs warm. 

The reckless gust reaching from my left side provoked me to jump out of my skin, revolting me from my daydream. 

‘’God's sake-’’ I turn my head only to see Chishiya standing next to me, with a smirk on his lips. The sudden view of him caused me to blush, as my brain screamed oh-look-your-crush. Although you could rarely see this guy smiling and being friendly, his agenda was incompatible. Clever, crucial, and cunning as he is, he always had a special place in my heart. Why, you ask? I'd love to know that too... Maybe because he has been my friend since forever. 

''You must be that cold, huh,'' Chishiya says sarcastically. ''Y-yeah.'' I murmur, ''anyway, again one of early practicals at the hospital today?'' ''Correct.''

''Yikes,'' I add, clicking my tongue, ''good luck.''

''Have you decided if you'll stay here in Tokyo?'' Chishiya pops a question, clearing his throat, as his face remains immersed on the boulevard in front of us. ''Huh, what do you mean?'' I add, looking up at him, wishing he'd look back at me. But he never does... 

''For university.'' ''Oh, that,'' is all I say, before taking the next few seconds to think what to proceed with, ''yeah, Tokyo - I guess, still not sure yet.''

''It better be Tokyo or I'm disowning you.'' He says in a stern voice, delivering it with a smirk as he quickly runs his hand through my hair, resulting in becoming a mess.

''Hey!'' I chuckle, about to return the favor but he succeeded to grab my wrist and stop me just on time. Shucks.

Chishiya and I have been friends since childhood, as our dads have been friends since their early school days as well. He's in his third year in med school and I'm about to graduate in less than a month and enter university in few months. Not to mention, living close enough in the same neighborhood visiting Shuntaro's family every Sunday for dinner was a ritual that my dad, Aguni, and I couldn't stop doing. My mother has had enough of Tokyo so she decided to leave for England. Yeah, pretty simple...it has only been dad and me since. Not like I regret staying with dad, and if there was the father that would win The Dad of the Year award, it would be him. Playing cards meanwhile drinking wine was a post-dinner ritual for our dads, later through time, Chishiya joining them as well. In most cases, I'd end up just observing how they play and anticipating who's going to win. From Aguni being the best to, Shuntaro's dad, a few years later as Chishiya evolved enough his cunning games he beat them in it. He became a card game master, no jokes. 

I didn't notice it has come for the time for us to go different paths, as my school was in the complete opposite direction.

''So,'' I murmur, stopping and turning to face him, ''I guess time to say goodbye.''

''Good luck, kid.'' He says, giving me a soft smile. Ah, if he only knew how something so insignificant and minor to him has such a consequence on my heart. But he never will though. As I know, what we are and what we are not. 

I just smiled as I watch him turn his back on me and leave first. He always leaves first. I stayed few more seconds as his figure slowly fades of to distance I get ready to go my way.

                                                        ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ 

 After the last class, I choose to go to a nearby library to catch up on some assignments. The library is a soft of the enormous coffee shop yet one can stay all day and feel good even if one buys nothing at all. That's the discrepancy. It is a place of welcome for everyone rather than for "customers." This is not a money-nexus venue yet a love-nexus space, and that makes it a real treasure in this city.

I was relinquished and dazzled by the book in front of me, until the moment someone’s voice yanks me out of my thoughts.

''Since classes are over, want to grab lunch?'' I feel a hand placing softly on my left shoulder as a soft boyish voice peaks behind me.

''Niragi,'' my lips stretch in a smile as I embrace my best friend in a hug, ''of course, you mind if Chishiya tags along as well?''

''Oh,'' he mouths, providing it with a vague look, as I feel him stiffen up a bit and breaking the hug before proceeding, ''Chishiya..too?'' 

''Yeah!'' 

''Sure,'' he says, providing it with a soft smile, ''definitely..'' 

''Great, I'll let him know then.'' 

                                                        ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ 

Niragi and I walked after school side by side, on the way to Shibuya where we agreed to meet up with Chishiya. As we have arrived early, we stand by a big poster advertisement. I gently lean my back onto it, facing the industrious avenues of Shibuya wandering with people. Niragi, leaning as well, right next to me. 

''So, have you decided? Is it going to be Tokyo or London?'' 

''Hm,'' I murmur as his question breaks me out of my trance, ''regarding studies?'' He nods. 

''Honestly, not sure,'' I hesitate, before proceeding, ''but I'd love to stay in Tokyo.'' This was not a lie, but London on the other hand, was just an excuse in case my health gets worse. An agreement was made with my dad that it'd be best to stay there with my mom and focus on getting better. 

''Tokyo.'' I sigh, still caught up thinking what if I have to end up having to go back to London. What do I do then? And more importantly, what do I tell them? The minor, simple thought of lying to the people I deeply care about stings. 

''And you?'' 

''Tokyo,'' he says softly while looking down, smiling - as the thought if he had something that binds him to dwell in this city, ''I already got accepted in for game engineering.'' 

I knock him softly on top of his head, standing on my tippy toes. Though he was portrayed as the delicate and sweet guy he is, he was taller than both Chishiya and me. 

''Ouch,'' he exclaims as his hand rests on top of his head, my action catching him off guard, ''why did you do that?'' 

''Why haven't you told me, little idiot?'' 

''I planned to,'' he giggles, a wide smile as I've never seen scattering across his delicate features, ''I was waiting for you to confirm you got in your desired major as well.'' 

Yeah, I have, Niragi. It's just that I might not even be able to go because of my health. The phrases, the verdict, that I desired I could have mouthed out. But I couldn't, not now. Not when we're about part ways, and the way I want to remember these recollections is by them as their happy-selves, us cycling through alleys of Tokyo, eating noodles in the park during chilly nights, by city lights as the background noise of crickets was vetoed by our laughter. The recollections, moments I'll protect in my psyche permanently. 

I just remained silent, looking at my friend as he was smiling and looking off to distance till he started waving to someone. I shift my gaze only to see Chishiya's figure approaching us, hands in his pockets as usual. 

''Hello there, peasants.'' Chishiya teases, as he finally approaches us.

''Excuse me, lord Shuntaro.'' Niragi scoffs at him, crossing his arms.

''So where will we head to?'' 

''Whoa, Morizono, not even embracing your friend in a warm hug and you're already talking about eating,'' Chishiya says falsifying pain in his voice, ''I'm hurt.''

 ''Chishiya,'' I let out, rolling my eyes at his statement, ''I know you don't do hugs.'' I proceed, nudging his forearm slightly, hoping that the warmth I felt growing in my cheeks wasn't showing. 

''Fuunji or Ichiran Shibuya?'' Niragi says, clicking his tongue. 

''Fuunji,'' I mutter, at the same time as Chishiya adds, ''Ichiran.'' Our eyes met instantly as we both realized our choices were different.

Do I have to mention that I'm probably already blushing? No, because heck - yes I am. 

Oh boy, here we go. Let him have his way, Y/N. 

As you always do. 

''You know what, let's go to Ichiran,'' I exclaim, looking in between my best friends waiting for them to agree. 

''Ichiran it is,'' Niragi exclaims. 

A little while later, our food has finally arrived. The moment it lands on the table, Niragi digs at his sweet and sour soup and pulls out all the cubes of carrot. I don't say anything, I really couldn't care less about table manners and there's always something interesting going on in his head. Chishiya calm and collected as he is, starts eating at a slow pace. After swallowing his first bite, he breaks the silence, ''we must go somewhere to celebrate your birthday, Y/N.'' 

''I'm not sure-''

Niragi peeks up at me with sticky fingers in his mouth. Meanwhile, Chishiya adds, through the mouthful, that I could just about make out the name "Kyoto."

As my mouth was full of food as well, I just nod seriously. 

"That's a great idea, Chishiya. I never thought of that." Niragi grins, still with the fingers in his mouth, then he scoops them up and lines them neatly next to his stocking.

Chishiya holds out a cup of soju, "for Y/N." Niragi's hand comes over and snatches it up, his grin as wide as his cheeks will stretch, and scatters back.

Chishiya and I just exchanged looks, laughing at his silliness.

We drank soju, we were already merry and full, we told the most terrible of jokes. That was us. Casual, informal, yet caring enough to make the time we spend together joyful. 

                                                         ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ 

After grabbing lunch with Chishiya and Niragi, I headed straight home. The thought of visiting Kyoto for my birthday with them was still bouncing on my mind. The thing is, how to bring it up to Aguni? Hm? As loving and fond as he is of both of them, the thought of sending his only daughter away with two boys on a trip probably sounded far away from a brilliant idea. Sigh, I guess it'll take a lot to convince him. 

''Dad, I'm home!'' I exclaim, meanwhile closing the doors behind me and taking off my shoes in the hallway. 

''Someone's back home early, huh?'' Aguni says chuckling, as he plants a soft kiss on my forehead. 

''Yup, something smells delightful,'' I say, meanwhile slapping my hands in excitement and taking my seat. 

''Ah, you sneaky,'' He adds, taking the seat as well across me, ''it's your favorite - pad thai chicken wok.'' 

''So,'' I began, meanwhile randomly picking food with chopsticks in my plate, ''I have a question.'' 

''Yes?'' Aguni murmurs, mouthful, gazing up at me. ''So you know that my birthday is next week...'' I say awkwardly, placing my chopsticks gently on the table. 

''Of course, how would I forget my daughter's birthday?'' He scoffs, butthurt that his daughter thinks he's that forgetful. 

''No, of course not.'' I chuckle, ''but I did want to ask you something, uh...'' 

''Go ahead, silly.'' 

Just say it. Now or never. And I do - ''I've been thinking of visiting Kyoto with Chishiya and Niragi-'' 

''Not happening.'' 

''But-'' 

''You? On a trip? With two boys?'' his voice stern as he glares up at me, causing me to swallow, ''you must be out of your mind to think I'll let you, Y/N. Boys your age are wild.'' 

''No, there's going to be more of other friends...too, from school.'' I start, slightly panicking as I was also trying to think of the ways to get him to approve, ''not just Chishiya and Niragi, although you know they're my closest friends.'' I proceed further, looking around the food on the table, as I noticed he has almost cleared out his plate, and yet there was still chicken left in mine. Splendid, a perfect way to bribe him now.

''Plus,'' I mutter, as I start taking out the chicken from my plate, putting on his, his eyes now fully focused on that chicken, ''I know you trust them enough to protect me if anything happens, right?'' I grin, awkwardly. 

''Only because they are aware who's your father and someone not to mess with.'' He adds, still not convinced enough, but still taking the small pieces of chicken with his chopsticks. 

''Uh, yeah,'' I murmur, as I watch him, eating up those last few pieces of chicken as if they are his last, ''beside your protectiveness, what do you think?''

''Y/N, you've forgot one thing.'' Aguni says with a serious tone, placing down his chopsticks. 

''What?'' I question, acting dumb. Expecting him to answer, he just remains silent and gives me an even worse glare now, ''doctor's appointment,'' I add, ''come on, it doesn't have to be next week as well. Just check with them if they can postpone it.''   

He preserves silent, still staring up at me with a serious look on his face. Sigh.

''A trip with my friends is more important. Not to mention, it's our last as we're all parting ways soon because of university.''  

''To you. But to me, your health is more important Y/N.''

''I...understand, dad,'' I sigh, looking up at him, falsifying a smile, ''but look at me, I'm feeling fine. I've never been better.''

''Same as you claimed in the past, until it happened again and I was close to losing you forever.'' He asserts, this time his voice louder than before.

''Dad...cheer up,'' I exclaim, as I reach out my hand, placing it on top of his, ''it's...just because it happened then, doesn't mean it will happen again.''

''You don't know that. Your condition is serious-''

''I'll take care of myself. Alright?'' I murmur, squeezing his hand, ''please, can I go?''   

''Alright, alright. Under one condition, take care of yourself and as soon as you get back we're going to the doctors. Promise?''

''I promise.'' I holler, lunging from my seat to hug him before storming off to my room. As soon as I shut the door behind me, I lean my back on it. 

There was an eerie sentiment I felt within, a good sort though - just not sure for what exact reason yet. It felt like it was the calling card of an adventure, paths awaiting, what will transpire. Whatever was ahead could be a great challenge, and there could be tears, but it was an exploration to take and so I smiled. The inklings would come, perhaps when I’d least expected it, so I’m ready to take this leap of faith.

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

Anon: What do you think of Shi Mei/Hua Binan? I’m a Shi Mei stan too but I can't really explain why I like him so much so I was curious, can I ask for your thoughts on him (or both of them)? Especially Hua Binan - for a main villain he doesn’t get that much thought. What you think Meatbun’s message with them was, and how do you feel about their endings?

Oh, I’d be happy to answer, anon. Long, very long post and SPOILERS under the cut!!!

So. Shi Mei. Shi Mei is the character I obsess over the most in 2ha. Like, I like my favorite three (Mo Ran, Chu Wanning, and Shi Mei) about the same, but Shi Mei has many interesting implications to his character that cover stuff that I like to think about. He (both Hua Binan and Shi Mei 2.0) checks a lot of boxes for something that I, just as a matter of personal taste, really like in a character. (Not in a person, mind you; Shi Mingjing is not someone you want to be looking up to.) 

First of all, morally dubious. Extremely so, in this case. I tend to gravitate towards characters like that - I think because it provokes thoughts about the darker, messier side of the human psyche that I wouldn’t deeply consider otherwise. I mean, most characters, even the legitimately good ones, do that, but antagonists have a special flavor. 

Secondly, he’s canonically really pretty, and he canonically used that to his advantage to craft that kind, harmless, demure façade that, like, fooled everyone. (I prefer Shi Mei as a man because I think it’s interesting how he relates to toxic masculinity despite his delicate appearance - he hates being feminized or seen as frail - but the fact that HYX is making him a woman? The fact that she’s gonna blindside all the guys, the fact that she’s gonna have everyone dancing in the palm of her hand? *sweating* I tremble. Anyway.) I really like how Meatbun unraveled that mask of meek, helpless purity to reveal what’s underneath - an individual who is extremely calculating, ruthless, and capable of being shockingly cold-hearted. Shi Mei is someone who manipulates other people like they’re tools, someone who takes actual enjoyment from trampling over human beings. The juxtaposition of someone who looks so dainty and fragile and lovely yet is capable of being incredibly cruel and vicious... I love that. I always have, and I love it even more in this case because of how much of a point Meatbun made to let us know how beautiful Shi Mei is. 

Thirdly, and this is just personal taste, but there is something that I legitimately admire about Shi Mei: how determined he is, and how utterly dedicated he is to his goals. His plans were... horrific, obviously, but the fact that he even had the audacity to dream that big, the fact that he even decided to take it upon himself to rescue his people who’ve been brutally oppressed for thousands of years, complete with an evil chessmaster-esque plan, and all when he was a teenager, too... and then being able to maintain that determination, and actively continue working to further it, for years? It’s appalling and cutthroat, but takes such serious guts, and such an insane amount of willpower, that I can’t help but respect. If Shi Mei had dedicated that intense resolve to another, less homicidal method, I honestly would have loved to read about him as a protagonist.

Fourth, and this is what ties it nicely together: I can somewhat... understand where he’s coming from, despite how barbaric and cold-blooded he can get? His people brutalized and oppressed for thousands of years, used as sex slaves and literal nourishment for cultivation... this is in no way a direct “comparison”, and I’m not inviting anyone to start making “parallels” between fiction and actual history that real-life people had to suffer through, but as Korean diaspora, who learned about Japan’s occupation of the country, I can’t help but feel sympathetic to Shi Mei’s desire to end all that exploitation of his people. All the resentment and hatred and anger he has in regard to the suffering of the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts, is, in my opinion, more than valid and more than justified. He is furious about it and he has a right to be. (What’s not valid or justified is how he acted in response - I’ll get into it later.)

Aside from his outrage at the situation of the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts, I also I think that how sadistic Shi Mei can get also has some foundation to have gradually developed as a part of his personality, rather than just a cliché “Yeah he was just born dunking puppies under water and stuff.” I talked (at excessive length) about it in the tags of my reblogs of @moransumbrella​’s post about how it’s unfair to expect Mo Ran to never forgive himself, but I’ll explain in more detail here.

So obviously, Shi Mei went through it as a child, watching his own father kill and cannibalize his mother, and then he had to run like hell away from his home lest his father do the same to him. As I’m sure you can guess, that... will seriously fuck a person up. And it happened only because Shi Mei and his mother were Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts; they did literally nothing else wrong (at that point). It would be a horrible pill for anyone to have to swallow, let alone a kid. And he keeps seeing it and hearing about it around him; how other Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts are being r*ped and eaten so that people can raise their cultivation levels. How he and his mother and anyone like them aren’t people in the eyes of the world that they live in; they’re even less than animals. And this has been happening for thousands of years, with no one bothering to stand up to it, no one even questioning it. 

That is heartbreaking. That’s repulsive. And I can only imagine how bitter and hateful it would make a person; not just at the people responsible, but at the world in general - for letting this continue, for never raising a finger to help. Of course, it’s not everyone’s fault that the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts have to suffer. There are probably more innocents than there are guilty. But when you’re one of the people under the threat of being r*ped and/or cannibalized, with society as a whole deeming it perfectly acceptable that those things are done to you, it is... not easy, lol, to think, “Yeah but it’s not all of them, let me keep that in mind!” 

And I think Shi Mei’s cruelty, and the glee he shows at other people’s suffering, is a subconscious way of lashing out at everything around him. The world hurt him and his people horribly -> this person whom he’s hurting horribly is part of the world -> retribution. And he’s happy to think that he’s getting back at the world for everything that he and the other Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts had to go through. 

It’s an illogical thought process, obviously. The people who really deserve his anger, and the people whom I would not feel sorry for even if he happily hurt, are the people in the upper cultivation world, who promote all the brutalization of the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts. But Mo Ran? Chu Wanning? Xue Meng? Also people who were devastated because of Shi Mei’s plans? They don’t at all deserve what he does to them. (Especially Mo Ran. Jesus Christ. Shi Mei fucked him up.) But as unreasonable as that flow of thought is, it’s also not one that’s completely incomprehensible. There are legitimate explanations (not justifications) for Shi Mei’s sadism, and I certainly like it a lot better than just “well he was born that way.” 

Back to understandable motivations. Shi Mei was right to want change. He was right to think, “I have to put a stop to this.” What he wasn’t right in was how he went about it. The Path of Martyrdom is... terrifying, and it requires so many innocent deaths. And not only the Path, but the plan that Shi Mei had to build his corpse bridge; the Flower inside Mo Ran, twisting up his entire psyche, turning him into Taxian-Jun, and subjecting Chu Wanning to r*pe and abuse in the process... you know what I’m talking about. None of that is justifiable. It’s, to put it mildly, horrific. Ideally, what I think Shi Mei should have started by doing is talked to someone. Chu Wanning explicitly states that he sees the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts as people; he wouldn’t have just thrown his disciple to the wolves even if he knew that Shi Mei was one. At the very least, Shi Mei wouldn’t have had to stomach all of that trauma by himself, and he and Chu Wanning could cooperate, try to work out ways to start helping the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts. I’m sure it wouldn’t have been easy - and in fact it may have still involved violence, because horrible injustice in society, as sad as it is, doesn’t just go away. But it wouldn’t have needed to be as nightmarish as the 0.5 timeline became, and it wouldn’t have involved destroying the mental state of an innocent teenager (and that’s just brushing the tip of the iceberg). 

But here’s the kicker, and again the thing that I like most about the way Meatbun wrote Shi Mei: I can’t entirely blame him for believing extreme violence is the only option. I can, and do, still condemn him for the things he did to achieve his aims, but I also... really do understand why he never saw talking as a possibility. Because even if he heard Chu Wanning say that he believes the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Clan is human, Shi Mei has absolutely no guarantees. He has to simply trust that the people who care about him won’t turn on him when they find out about his origins. And when your own father was easily willing to murder your mother, how much does it seem to you like affection is worth? When the brutalization of your race has been going on for millennia, how likely would it seem that talking is going to change anything? As far as Shi Mei knows, he is in the same position with the people of Sisheng Peak as his mother was with his father, and his father immediately turned on his mother. I wouldn’t be too keen to take my chances, either, no matter how many times the other people have said/shown that they care about me. Fear like that is just not something that can be shrugged off. 

Shi Mei is a very nicely written antagonist - and a scary one, imo - because it’s not as if his actions, or his thought processes, are particularly confusing. In fact, there’s some really solid ground on why he acts, believes, thinks, the way that he does. I truly applaud Meatbun for doing that; I also think it makes Shi Mei scary because this is someone who orchestrated mass murder, was planning to orchestrate mass murder again (at least in Hua Binan’s case - I’ll talk about the distinctions between 2.0 and Hua Binan a little further down), and yet he’s not... alien. He’s not exactly relatable either (at least I hope not), but it’s not like you look at him and think, “Well, here’s a guy that was just born evil.” Even though his bad choices (and boy, there were a lot of them) are entirely his own responsibility, they didn’t just come from nowhere. Villains aren’t born, they’re made - even ones as horrifying as Hua Binan. 

Speaking of Hua Binan, let’s get into the distinctions between him and Shi Mei 2.0. When we get to Hua Binan specifically, he did some things that 2.0 didn’t, including trying to r*pe Chu Wanning, multiple times. Before I get into this topic: r*pe is r*pe, and it’s monstrous, regardless of the context, regardless of the situation, regardless of anything, and I am in no way going to be challenging that notion. No one should. 

So. It’s also been noted in one of the reblogs of the post I mentioned above that Hua Binan doesn’t seem to have any personal grudge with Chu Wanning; his only attitude towards what he’s trying to do is, “You’ve had him for a while, it’s my turn now.” Chu Wanning, whom he supposedly ‘loves’, is not a person in his eyes. He’s a thing, an object that can just be passed around regardless of what he wants. 

You might be thinking, “well, that just goes to show that Hua Binan doesn’t really care at all about Chu Wanning.” But I think that on some miniscule level, Hua Binan did. It’s nowhere near actually valuing him as a person, but he isn’t, like, easily replaceable in Hua Binan’s eyes. Let me explain.

When Mo Ran begs Shi Mei (0.5 and 2.0) to give him the Flower instead of Chu Wanning, his reasoning is that Chu Wanning has no resentment. Shi Mei takes it, and gives the Flower to Mo Ran, but it struck me as odd that he just. Listened. Because the idea that a human being has no resentments is unrealistic, imo. Shi Mei is pretty in tune with people’s feelings, especially the darker ones, as little as he tends to care about them - he wouldn’t be as successful a manipulator as he is if he wasn’t. And Chu Wanning does have resentments, as much as he tries to rein them in; so why did Shi Mei acquiesce so easily? Honestly, I think it’s because subconsciously, he didn’t want to spoil Chu Wanning’s kindness and righteousness. He “fell in love” (cough cough) with him because he was a good person, after all, and a part of him wasn’t eager to ruin that. So when Mo Ran offers himself instead, with the flimsy reasoning that Chu Wanning has no resentments for Shi Mei to twist, Shi Mei accepts it, and gives Mo Ran the Flower instead. (I could also get into how he disdains Mo Ran immensely, but that’s going off topic.) 

So it’s not like Chu Wanning means nothing to Hua Binan, and Hua Binan just wants to have him just to, well, have him. But he still tries to r*pe him with the incredibly, nauseatingly objectifying attitude that, “it’s my turn now.” He’s flippant about Chu Wanning’s agency and will, just like the cultivation world is flippant about the agency and will of the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts.

And I think that apathy that Hua Binan has towards Chu Wanning’s desires stems from the brutalization of the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts. (Once again - this is not an attempt to justify Hua Binan in any way for doing what he tried to do. There is never anything like a good reason for r*pe; there is never even anything like a reason for r*pe. It’s inexcusable, plain and simple.) 

Hua Binan lived the majority of his life knowing that he and people like him are objects in the eyes of society. It’s hard to get a healthy relationship, built on mutual trust and affection, with anyone, with that kind of knowledge. Hua Binan (and Shi Mei 2.0 too, but we’re focusing on Hua Binan here) does not know what a proper relationship is; since after his mother’s death, he has had no frame of reference for his emotional range to develop healthily, and no concept of love and/or affection. The people around him, such as Xue Zhengyong, Chu Wanning, Xue Meng, cared about him and wouldn’t have abandoned him if they knew he was a Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feast - but he doesn’t know that, since he never even tried testing the waters. He simply operates under the belief that they’d turn on him if they found out (and again, I don’t blame him for thinking this, or not trusting them enough to open up). If he’s honest about himself and who he is, then, in his mind, he’ll immediately become a thing to be oppressed to everyone around him, just like his people are things to be oppressed to the cultivation world. 

What I’m saying is, Hua Binan only knows objectification. It’s what the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts have gone through for thousands of years, and it’s what he thinks he’ll go through if he reaches out to someone. He doesn’t know how to connect with another person, only how to dehumanize and demean them. And this manifests in his attitude towards Chu Wanning, who is arguably the one person he cares about outside of the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts. Hua Binan treats him like an object, because it’s what he knows best, what he’s familiar with. His apathy towards Chu Wanning’s consent isn’t just “ah yes, let me disregard it to make things extra horrible and traumatic” - there is some extremely twisted reasoning going on there. 

This doesn’t mean that Hua Binan isn’t aware of how abhorrent objectification is. In fact, I’m sure he understands intimately on some level, being a Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feast and all. But he does not use that understanding and make the connection that hey, it feels horrible when you’re treated like this - as he should know, and knows, from personal experience - I shouldn’t do it to the person that I have romantic feelings for. Instead, he chooses to perpetrate the brutalization and dehumanization that was so unfairly brought on him and his people by treating another person the same way. 

That’s another reason why Hua Binan is a villain to me: he prolongs and carries on the cycle of objectification. No doubt he suffered; no doubt he’s a victim of an inhumane world that refuses to see him and his people as human. In the same way; no doubt he’s a perpetrator, who intentionally inflicts horrible inhumanity on others. Being a victim, with valid anger and valid resentment, does not excuse hurting people who don’t deserve it. And the fascinating nuance is that he does want to break the cycle of abuse - he wants to take the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts out of the human realm entirely - but he shows some massive cognitive dissonance regarding the abuse and objectification of other people who are not Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts. In fact, he actively works to abuse and objectify those people; his entire plan is hinged on disregarding their agency, purposefully ripping apart their mental state, and using them as tools to further his goals. And he doesn’t feel bad about it. 

That brings me into another point on why I consider Hua Binan a villain: the man is remorseless. Utterly, utterly unrepentant. He truly thinks that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing. When Shi Mei 2.0 brings up just how many blameless people will die in their endeavors, Hua Binan dismisses it as easily as breathing, saying that it’s “normal”. Once again, I don’t think this complete lack of guilt was always a part of Hua Binan; I think it developed with time. As you can tell by now, I see him as someone who became progressively colder and colder as time passed. Partially it was circumstantial, as anyone would become jaded and pretty ruthless if they knew they and their people were condemned to dehumanization and oppression just for being born, but he also just consciously dove right into his resentment and frustration and let them consume him. We can’t control what emotions we feel, but we can do our best to restrain them if they hurt other people, and pull them in if they start tempting us to do things that seem wrong. Hua Binan, though... I don’t think he ever chose to try to restrain himself. I think the second he had the thought, “What I’m doing is justified, the lives lost don’t mean anything,” he just took it and ran with it. 

His frame of mind started as “alright, I’ll do what I need to do for my clan; innocent lives might be lost, but I’ll try not to hurt people who aren’t involved.” But then, hey - what you’re trying to achieve seems like the right thing to do! (Hua Binan definitely believes that his goal is just, and in fact I can’t exactly argue that it isn’t, though the things he did to bring about that goal are, well. Lol.) Someone like Hua Binan, who doesn’t understand what true affection is, who has been bombarded with the implication that half-measures are unacceptable (his father went all the way and outright murdered his mother instead of, like, talking), who hasn’t had time to develop any extensive moral framework before his mother’s death - I think it would be easy for him to begin to see innocent deaths as an increasingly necessary part of his plans. His frame of mind became “whoops, looks like that family will die. Oh well, it has to happen.” And when you start thinking that, particularly when you don’t try to challenge it as I imagine Hua Binan didn’t, you get someone who thinks like he does by the time of the novel: “It doesn’t matter who’s hurt, or who dies, because of my plans. It’s only natural, so why should I feel bad?” 

Furthermore, I think it’s especially likely that you’d go down a moral slippery slope like that when the idea that “innocent deaths don’t matter” is reinforced by the society that you live in. Something like, “Clearly the world doesn’t care about the innocent Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts being r*ped and cannibalized left and right for existing, so why the fuck should I care that I’m killing and hurting people?” There is once again more cognitive dissonance at play here: rather than connecting the injustice of what’s being done to his people with the injustice of causing the deaths of blameless bystanders, Hua Binan instead uses it to reinforce his notion that innocent lives mean nothing, and justify the fact that he’s stepping all over others. It’s nasty and hypocritical, but I think people all tend to be that in some way or another - I’ve certainly found some hypocritical thinking from my part - and would be extremely prevalent in someone like Hua Binan, who responds to brutalization of his people with the intentional brutalization of other, uninvolved people. 

Once again, though, it being nasty and hypocritical does not mean there aren’t reasons for why he’s the way he is. I like that Meatbun did that. I like how she gives us a villain who, as a person, is monstrous, but you can see some kind of process in why he became so horrible. While Hua Binan is still responsible for the decisions that he made, and the blood of every death he caused is still on his hands, there were circumstances that pushed him into developing the views that he had, and making the choices that he did. If the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts weren’t treated as pieces of meat, if his mother hadn’t been killed by his father and he had to live with the knowledge that he and his people meant literally nothing in society’s eyes, what kind of person would he be? Would he still be as cruel, unscrupulous, spiteful, and brutal as he is? Honestly, I don’t think so. I think Meatbun is trying to say that human nature is something that’s shaped; no one is born inherently good or bad. The conditions that you’re thrown into influence what you become - and yet you are still making choices, even if those conditions are horrible, as Hua Binan’s were. Like, do I agree with him that it’s horrible and unjust, what the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts had to endure? Of course. Do I agree with him that it needed to be stopped? Of course. 

But do I agree with the choices he made to stop it? Betraying the people who cared about him, causing an enormous number of innocent deaths, violating people in such a personal and intimate way? And being so completely unrepentant as he does? No. Like, I might be more inclined to if he was something like, “I know what I’m doing is horrible. I still have to do it anyway.” But that’s not what he’s like - he does not even care to acknowledge how horrible his actions are. If anything, he knows they’re horrible, he knows that he’s hurting people, and he savors it. Which goes back to what I said about how I think he developed that cruelty - I understand why he thinks like that. It’s still atrocious. 

I’m no expert, but I don’t personally think that Hua Binan is a clinical psychopath. If he was, I don’t think he’d care so much about getting the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts to the demon realm. I don’t think he’d be so angry about what he and his people have to suffer. I think he would have just fucked off by himself, maybe did bad things for his own sake and for the sake of hedonism. Not all psychopaths are serial killers or mass murderers; they simply lack the ability to have empathy, and don’t see others as people, but that doesn’t immediately mean they start doing bad things. In Hua Binan’s case, he does seem to have capacity for empathy, but as I’ve said before it’s extremely conditional, extremely twisted, and extremely limited in a self-centered way as a result of the life he lived, and the choices he made. 

Speaking of being self-centered, I think that there’s a prevalent streak of sociopathy to Hua Binan’s worldview. I believe that he cares about the other Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts, and genuinely wants to get them to safety. Again, I don’t think you could muster up that much determination, and continue working for that long, doing things that extreme, if you were apathetic towards the people you’re trying to protect.

But I don’t think that he cares much about them individually. We see what he did to Song Qiutong - he used her and let her die in order to fulfill his plans of opening the gate to the demon realm. She’s a Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feast, one of the people whom he’s set out to protect, yet her life is just a tool for him. If it’s for the greater good of the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts, he has no qualms manipulating and discarding individuals. And that echoes the “sacrifices made for the greater good” mentality that is not only condemnable morality, but something that I personally have a problem with. Like, what is the good of doing things for the “bigger picture” when you’re throwing individual people under the bus? What “bigger picture” is there that’s not intrinsically built and dependent upon every single lone person? I have true sympathy for Hua Binan’s ultimate goal of getting his people to safety - in fact, I think it’s an explicitly heroic desire (though the man himself is... not heroic, lmao). But when your people are only a collective whole that you need to save, and you don’t see each of them as people in their own right, whose lives and desires matter... that’s a problem. That’s not okay. Does it mean you shouldn’t be trying to protect them? No, but it doesn’t mean you’re not wrong for using and throwing away the individuals’ lives to achieve your goals. 

And so, even the other Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts, who are, like, the driving motivation of Hua Binan’s life, are not people he entirely cares about as, well, people. *Honestly, the person in the world that Hua Binan genuinely, wholeheartedly cared about may have been his mom - and she died before he had a chance to interact with her after being traumatized and going down a villainous path. 

*Edit: I forgot to talk about Mu Yanli here, and Hua Binan’s relationship with her. Given his reaction to his sister’s death, I think it’s indisputable that Hua Binan cared about her a lot; Mu Yanli might have actually been the one single person that he legitimately loved, and she clearly loved him back. Which, to me, seems like further confirmation that Hua Binan isn’t a clinical psychopath, but his empathy and his capacity to value others as people have become extremely limited over the course of his life. 

I also think there’s another element of sociopathy in him in that he has absolutely no sympathy for Mo Ran, despite both of them having been subjected to horrible circumstances when they were helpless children. In fact, Hua Binan (and Shi Mei 2.0, at least referencing when he gave the Flower to him) seems to enjoy watching him suffer because he looks down on him. I think if Hua Binan was a kinder person, he might have been fond of Mo Ran for their similarities. But he isn’t. If there’s anything that’s really frightening about Hua Binan, it’s the sheer disregard and disdain that he has for someone who has unfairly suffered as a child, like he has. And it really makes me think that Hua Binan has absolutely no sympathy to extend to anyone who isn’t a Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feast (unless you’re Mu Yanli). Ironically and unbeknownst to him, Mo Ran actually is... they’re not exactly the same, since Mo Ran is the rare kind who doesn’t have golden tears and has a high cultivation level - but I think the point is that it doesn’t matter! Hua Binan should have sympathy, regardless, for someone who was once powerless and afraid like he was. He doesn’t. As far as he’s concerned, if your experiences weren’t exactly like his, if he can’t see a part of himself in you (the threat of being r*ped/cannibalized for your race), then you don’t matter. You aren’t a person, your life means nothing, and it’s all in a day’s work for him to trample all over you to achieve his ends. And once again, even if he’s this cold-hearted... you can see how he turned out that way. It’s fascinating.

Now, getting into Shi Mei 2.0. 2.0 can be similarly callous, but he does evidently have a stronger conscience than Hua Binan. Hua Binan doesn’t care how many people he has to hurt or kill in order to get to the Path of Martyrdom, and in fact has hurt or killed an enormous number of innocents (directly or indirectly) for that. On the other hand, Shi Mei 2.0 does feel guilt, for causing so much death, and for betraying the genuine kindness that Chu Wanning showed him. It eventually prompts him to free Chu Wanning and break away from his cooperation with Hua Binan. 

Shi Mei 2.0’s choice actually is, to me, reminiscent of the justification that the curse he put on Mo Ran ultimately didn’t matter, because Mo Ran always had that capacity for horror and violence inside of him, and the Flower just brought it out. Bullshit, baby ♫♫ Everyone has dark and violent thoughts, it’s just a matter of how well you understand that they are wrong, and choose not to act upon the - or in Shi Mei 2.0’s case, choose to stop acting upon them. Shi Mei 2.0 is motivated by the same hatred, bitterness, and anger that Hua Binan is - but in the end, Shi Mei 2.0 made the conscious decision that “no, this is wrong, and I’m not going to do it anymore.” That rage and acrimony doesn’t go away; he’s still furious, and he’s still right to think that the world has wronged him (although by that point he’s also wronged others maaany times over). But Shi Mei 2.0 suppresses it, because that particular expression of his anger is hurting innocent people, and he ultimately decides that he doesn’t want that. (I hope he finds a healthier way to relieve all his resentment. Like... scream into the night if you have to, Shi Mei. Punch a pillow.) 

Because he makes that choice, he has the opportunity to keep going, make amends as much as he can for what he did, and live a life not tied down by the determination to save his people. He’s out there doing good in the world and trying to atone, which I think will give him fulfillment in the end. And I don’t think Shi Mei 2.0 doing good things will all solely be for atonement? In his first appearance, he stands up to the people trying to pass off those children as some sort of demon species (I’m blurry on the specifics), subjecting the children to horrible objectification in the process. As far as I can remember, there really was no pragmatic reason for him to be doing that - no one else that they know was around, and Mo Ran didn’t realize it was him until some time later. Perhaps this is just me being a Shi Mei stan, but I think that Shi Mei had some sympathy for those kids, and powerlessness of their situation. (Which is an interesting contrast to Hua Binan and his complete lack of empathy for anyone who’s not a Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feast.) What I’m saying is, I don’t think Shi Mei 2.0 is a rotten, irredeemable person, or someone who has to force himself to do good things in the name of atonement. I think there was already some capacity for selfless kindness in him - insofar as it doesn’t jeopardize his plans, of course. And as there’s no longer any plan to jeopardize, means he can legitimately focus on doing good things.

And yet, it’s interesting that even with Shi Mei 2.0’s decision to abandon the destructive path he chose, I think Meatbun was still subtly pushing the message about the importance of circumstances. Shi Mei 2.0’s goal was also to get the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts to the demon realm, which is why he allied himself with Hua Binan. But even if he broke away - and he did - there is still someone else carrying through with the plan. Choosing a different path, for Shi Mei 2.0, does not mean that he’s necessarily abandoning his people to a sure fate of continued brutalization, because Hua Binan is already there, doing what is needed (at least in his mind) to put a stop to it. Hua Binan, though, doesn’t have someone else to leave the job to. If he stops, there would no longer be anyone making the moves to open a way into the demon realm. Now, considering Hua Binan, I don’t think he would have made a different decision even if there was someone else to take his place. He obviously thinks his actions are justified, and is single-mindedly dedicated to his goal. But I also think... Shi Mei 2.0 had the opportunity, the space, to think about the horror of what he was doing and ruminate on his guilt because Hua Binan was there directing things to a certain extent. If it had all been up to Shi Mei 2.0, would he still have stopped? Knowing that he’s letting his people’s last hope crumble? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t think he would have. 

All in all, though, I think Shi Mei 2.0’s message was fairly hopeful. He’s come a long way in his goal to save his people, enough so that you’d think there’s no turning back after everything he did - but he does turn back, he does decide to take a different path, and that decision gives him a future. While the bias in me is chanting “Shi Mei baby Shi Mei baby Shi Mei baby,” of course I know that he’s done abhorrent things, especially (imo) to Mo Ran. But he’s not, like, 100% irredeemable as a person. He admitted that he was wrong, rejected the path he’d been following for so long out of a sense of morality, and I do see eventual peace ahead for him. And since he despised having to fake being so frail and altruistic during his time at Sisheng Peak, I’m glad he now has the space to be his authentic self. While I do find it sad that he’s the only person who hasn’t found a home, I also think it makes sense. Shi Mei still needs to live for himself outside of his self-imposed goal to save his people, and make a life that doesn’t revolve around penance and penance only. I hope he’s able to understand, one day, what it means to have a genuine, loving connection with someone, and I hope he finds his place in the end. The only thing that worries me is the thought of what would happen if people discover he’s a Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feast... which wouldn’t really be that difficult, since he seems to be using bits of himself to make medicine... other than that, though, I’m pretty happy with his ending. He’s alone, he has no home, but he’s, as he put it, “finally free.” And he’s alive, which means there’s still plenty of opportunity ahead for him.

As for Hua Binan... all in all, I think Hua Binan has some traits and goals that you could ascribe to a traditional hero. I even think he’s capable of being truly selfless! He fought the demonic guardian and then held the doors open while the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts passed through, giving his life for them in the process. His last thought before he’s crushed is relief that all of them made it. So he’s: righteously angry at a rampant injustice in society, wants to protect his people and take them away from the brutalization that’s being forced upon them, driven and determined and diligent in his efforts to do that, sacrifices himself to ensure that his people all get to safety, and his last concern is even about them as he’s being squashed. 

And it’s not enough. He’s still manipulative, unabashedly remorseless, and astonishingly cruel. He still extends zero empathy to anyone who isn’t one of his people, he still has no regard for the consent and autonomy of the person that he’s supposedly in love with. You can have good, even commendable traits - the heroic traits I listed above are certainly things I find commendable of him - and still be a very, very, very nasty person. I understand why the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts see him as a hero - I probably would too, if I was one of them - but the narrative makes it very clear that he is a villain, and I agree with the narrative. You can have sympathetic goals, justified rage, and genuine selflessness; it doesn’t mean you’re good. The process is as telling, if not more telling, than the result. And I do think Hua Binan’s final result was a good, even wonderful thing - the Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts no longer have to suffer thanks to him - but the process was absolutely horrible. So did he do a good thing? Absolutely. Does that make him a good person? Absolutely not. 

As for his ending - honestly, I think the narrative gives him as peaceful an end as is possible for a villain like him. His death was brutal, but he does get closure, and he does get the satisfaction of knowing that he achieved his lifelong goal and his people are safe. I also think it’s quite fitting thematically for his character - someone who has never entirely been able to see other people, even other Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts, as people with their lone, individual lives, gives his lone, individual life to make sure that the other Butterfly-Boned Beauty Feasts make it to safety. For the terrible things he’s done, he’s never able to see the paradise that he envisioned and worked so hard for - yet he was okay with his final lot. I was always sure that he wouldn’t win - that would have just been bleak and probably made everyone punch their screens in rage - but a part of me was expecting him to cry and scream about the unfairness of being unable to pass through the gates, after all the work he did. (And it is unfair that the one reason for his denial of entry was his divine heritage, which was entirely beyond his control, instead of, you know, mass murder, betrayal, attempted r*pe, psychological manipulation, etc., all of which were entirely in his control.) He didn’t, and instead his concern was his people. Meatbun, imo, gave him a pretty graceful sendoff. 

[lilyrachelcassidy]

Birthday Cake

A/N: Suprise folks!!! *me laughing maniacally* The whole scenery for this fic somehow appeared in my head and I just COULDN’T let it slip away, so... My biggest inspo for that was @drawlfoy!! Remember her posting the fic where Draco and Reader work at McDonald’s and are total suckers in their job (arguing with the customers; preparing wrong orders; etc.)? Dee unfortunately, deleted this precious, but it’s stuck to my head ever since (lol lol, it’s the moment where Dee wants to get rid of something, but I kindly remind everyone it existed). Therefore I present to you the next Draco x Reader fic related to our fav fast-food rest. This time, however, they’re not working at the same workplace but... I'm going to stop here cuz I don't want to spoiler :P

**The second thing that triggered me to write this fic is the YouTube video I recently saw with a lady who orders the 'specials' appearing to be out of the menu list of McDonald’s, through the Drive-Through. She asked for a birthday cake, was laughed at a few times, but eventually got what she wanted. Applause for the attitude!!

About the fic (context, my bitches): ofc it’s the modern AU, non-magical world. Draco’s the worst boyfriend ever but always manages to turn things into their righteous place. 

Summary: The birthday is upcoming, and Draco is in a rush to think up an idea for a perfect gift. His ingenuity fails, however, and leaves Y/N very unsatisfied with a disaster that has been forged. 

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: my brain playing a total psycho, language, alcohol, sexual undertones/allusions to sex, Pansy being too much of her self... deal...

Tags: @drawlfoy @eltanin-malfoy

Such an unrestrained desire to strangle somebody you hadn't felt in a long time.

Really.

Today was your birthday, which you had been widely announcing for almost a whole month to people you might have accidentally forgotten about it. Having your boyfriend, Draco, on your mind in particular.

You doubted he would have the guts to omit your big day, though as repeatedly as he had done for a few years back. But something between foresight and the second sense of prevention told you to keep reminding him every day of the upcoming event, with a heap of birthday-themed emojis and uppercases in the messages.

Everything was planned out in your head: him picking you up from your house with the sharp-red cabriolet that he used only for special occasions; him driving the two of you to the fanciest restaurant he could find in town; him bestowing you with a nice-looking, golden necklace or a different piece of jewelry you had been suggestively pointing out in the store's exhibition; him booking up a hotel room for you two to celebrate.

Either way, that was much beyond your expectations, as it turned out. And now you were sitting in the front yard of your house, waiting for him to show up.

'If he was going to at all.' This thought invaded your mind for the last hour, try as might to subdue it. An hour you had been sitting tight, hoping it was only a delay caused by a traffic jam or other irrational explanation he could come up with. But you were deceiving yourself, you eventually presumed -- you had been checking up your phone every one minute, only to see if any message notification popped up on the screen, other than birthday wishes from friends who actually cared for you.

2.02pm: Nothing.

2.03pm: Susan 'Happy birthday bitch!'

2.04pm: Instagram notif. (Someone liked your photo, which you had posted before leaving your room, posing in front of the mirror in the best cocktail dress you could find in the wardrobe.)

2.05pm: Nothing yet again.

2.06pm: Still... Peace and quiet.

"Fuck it...Enough," you muttered under your breath, an annoying disillusionment falling like a heavy mile stone on your chest. Tears suddenly started sprinkling in your eyes at the regret, and you were very reluctant to admit that your friends were right -- Draco Malfoy was an egoistic, negligent, self-absorbed pri--

"Hi." You heard the raspy, panting voice says. "Sorry for the delay."

You blinked slowly, stupidly. You raised your head to assure yourself it was him. That his expression actually corresponded to his words and showed some kind of remorse for standing you up. But no... There he was: standing in front of you, plainly confident and unashamed, with his cocky smirk provoking you to slap him.

Oh, how much you craved to slap him right now. "Where to the fuck have you been?"

"I've tried to pick this up," he explained, simultaneously lifting up the paper bag he'd been carrying in his hand. The big, exclaiming letters 'McDonald's' with the brand's logo were printed on its exterior, and it was fully stuffed with something inside.

Not quite comprehending, you furrowed. You attempted to hide the venom in your voice, but somehow it found its way to leak out. "Couldn't you do that in advance?"

"Nope..." It was his turn to furrow, looking almost shocked with the question. And thanks to all those years of your relationship, you knew it was his piss-poor estimation of time taking over. "It was a last-minute surprise."

"Sounds like it," you commented irritably. "What's that?"

"Your birthday present, sunshine," he drawled happily, ignoring your remark. He sounded positively delighted and satisfied with himself at surprising you with that because he saw a slight crease of shock painting on your forehead. "Here you go."

You took his deposit out of his grasp, still quite unsure. What if his gift would only make a situation worse? Can it get any worse with Draco's total lack of tact? Yes. But it was only one way to find out.

Without even stealing a second glance at him, you ripped off all of the packaging that had been folded around, protecting the contents. You tried to do it carefully and without any impact of emotions revealing the way you felt inside, but your hands were shaking with rage, and you couldn't quite contain yourself. You had been highly aware you shouldn't have expected much from him, but still...

You wondered if the universe was playing against you.

There was a moment of tense silence as you struggled to deal with all the wrappings. Rather unfortunately, you wished you hadn't put so much effort in opening your so-called 'gift' because as you finally did, it only angered you more, seeing as the disappointment laughs at your face. And yes, as a matter of fact, the universe was against you today...

"Are you kidding me?" you asked in disbelief, fury reappearing in your eyes. "A birthday cake?! From McDonald's?" Ugly, little cake with the creepiest smiley face of a clown. It wasn't even fresh, you realized, when you smelled it and felt a musty reek of a freezer, it probably had been kept in. A confusing sense of sadness in your chest couldn't reach any higher at this point.

"Don't you like it?" he asked, detecting the wrath in your eyes. At that, you felt the dumbest urge to laugh and never stop. "I thought it'd be something original."

"Oh, I love it," you said sarcastically, a faint voice of hope telling you it was only a very bad joke was still lingering in your head. But it wasn't a joke.

"It's not just--" He struggled to form a coherent sentence. "I've been asking Blaise and Theo about any ideas. I told them, what you had said to me -- 'you didn't want anything fancy.' So we decided it's... something."

"Of course I didn't tell you I want anything, you dolt!" Your voice raised up almost two octaves, and the pulse sped up so fast it entailed a headache along. A neighbor from the opposite garden who was watering the flowers looked at you, startled, and eyes widened your exasperated tone. You didn’t care. "It's how it works: you don't tell other people you expect them to buy something!"

"But I'm your boyfriend. You shouldn't -- er-- feel uncomfortable to tell..."

"Exactly! As my boyfriend, you should have known!"

"Well... I didn't. If that's what's bothering you, we can...we can..."

"Stop." Listening to him and his pathetic excuses was the last thing you were going to do now. "What – why would you even – " You sputtered out, unable to process or express exactly what you were feeling. There was definitely anger and indignation. Curiosity, for another, as to why Draco would even fall for such foolish and ill-considered idea, and -- to the top of it -- hope it would make a good fit. And possibly, the last and most satisfying part, was the wicked impulse to throw the cake directly into his arrogant face, letting him taste his own medicine he had been serving you for years on each failed birthday.

"You know, for once, you could pay more effort and try doing something nice for me," you told him firmly, deflating to calm down your buzzing nerves.

"I've been tr--"

"Do you realize how much it costs me to pretend to be happy when you forget about me? Last year, I organized a big-ass party for your birthday, inviting over all of your friends and buying the best booze I could find to celebrate it properly," you said harshly and pretentiously, as you intended. "The best part is, you didn't even thank me." You stared at him, wringing your hands and expecting to perceive any trope of shame in his eyes. For the first time, you actually did.  

"Listen, about that--" he calmly attempted to cut off your monologue.

"No, you listen..." Did you really want what was upcoming next? Maybe it was about time. "Today, I decided I'm standing up for myself. So, for the last time, get out from my porch."

He bristled, the thunderstruck air hanging around him. "Because of the stupid cake?"

"What?! No! It's just... I feel like you don't give a damn about me anymore." Gulp formed in your throat, and the tears finally left your eyes at the consciousness of what was happening. "I think we both deserve some time."

Your eyes moved to his, and you almost wished you hadn't looked. He was watching you, with pursed lips and a pure mixture of every emotion: anger, sadness, resentment, pretension, dejection. The faintest of his flustered blushes appeared on his cheeks, and you suddenly wished you could hug him. "So you are putting us..." His finger pointed at him and you as if expecting clarification. "...on a break? Is that what it is?"

You were truly torn, to be honest. Becoming single on your birthday was the last wish you had for this day, but you felt a strong sense of adequacy and pride for building up the boundaries of tolerance. Besides, seeing as it was heading nowhere, it was only a matter of time that your relationship came to an end.  

Although, it hurt. A lot. "Yes."

You darted your eyes from him, not wanting to study his reaction in case it caused you to meltdown and jump to his embrace, apologizing endlessly for your words. You loved him. But you didn't regret what you had just said.

Something like a dry chuckle of disbelief escaped out of his mouth. "Is that what you really want?"

'No,' your thoughts prompted you instantly before you could even contemplate. 'I want you to say so many things you're never willing to say. But you don't know.'

So instead, you lied: "Yes."

All expressed, you spun around without peeking back and rushed into your room, already knowing there was no more sense in strives to make this day any better; all of it would bring only bad associations. It would be depressing, even more than it already was.

God, was it how the break-up pained? Because if so, you wanted to be deceased. The world spun suddenly, and you sank to your knees, shaking madly and doing your best to find your way back to your bed, located a few mere meters from you. Part of you felt numb, but your head was wide awake and alarming you that something in terms of a disaster had just happened. Because it did. The clutching in your chest was unbearable, and tears were dashing out of your eyes like a living waterfall, which made you bury your face in your hands. Never have you ever wanted to be so drunk before.

And so many questions rung up in your head at once.

Did you make a good decision? What if you are going to miss him, yet knowing you could never call? What about college -- are things about to get awkward?

No answers.

But you knew someone who would be able to reply to them.

With the blurred by tears vision, you struggled but managed to find your phone in the purse, and then clumsily scrolled through and tapped in your list of contacts before holding the phone to your ear.

Please answer, you begged. Please, please…

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Pansy's voice roared from the other side of a line, as always, enthusiastic.

"Pansy." You tried to sound less brokenly than you were, feeling marginally worse at the reminder of your birthday. "Is Daphne around?"

"Ouch, you're a really nasty bitch sometimes, you know. I'm not goin' to point out today, but since you didn't let me end my wishes, I'll note that for the future reference." You were sure she was grinning at the teasing, seeing as much as she liked that. Normally, you wouldn't mind, but... "How--"

"Pansy, please..." you sobbed out, almost desperate to have someone to consult and share emotions with. Daphne -- contrary to Pansy, who could be very judgy sometimes -- was someone you had especially on mind now. "I need to talk to her."

You heard her sigh; the kind of sigh she used to either prove her resignation or concern. But, as much as it surprised you, she suppressed her curiosity and, without a second word, obediently handed the phone over to Daphne. At least, that's what you assumed because you heard a pause and subdued mutters in the background.

"Y/N?" the milder tone spoke up, and you felt suddenly very strange as if submerged in water of relief; relief to hear the familiar voice. That released you from keeping a distant attitude, and yet again, a sadness washed over you, triggering a loud wail to come out of your mouth. "Y/N, is everything alright?"

"No..." you sniveled, unable to collect yourself together. "I-I... We br-brok-e up."

"You and Draco?" Daphne asked, astonishment evident.

You nodded but then remembered she couldn't see you nor read your expression. So instead, you forced your vocal cords to work again. "Mhm..."

"What happened?"

Restoring the story in your brain again, you told her everything, still tearfully but much more coherently this time. You avoided the details, briefly skipping from one utterance to another, as your conversations had gone, and you were very much thankful she didn't press for more information about the prospect of the situation. If it hadn't been her sporadic gasps or loud inhales of breath, you would have almost presumed she wasn't listening. However, she was, and as soon turned out, Pansy was as well.

"That's bananas!" Pansy shouted somewhere from the back as you had ended, and despite your gloom, you giggled quietly at her comment.

"Shush," Daphne tried to silence her, covering up the fact she had put you on the speaker. You didn't mind because you knew Pansy, who would definitely expect Daphne to cite the whole conversation if needed. But knowing Daphne as well, you could bet she flushed more than she would want to at that point. "So it all started because of the cake?"

"And the delay," you added. "But it's not just about that, obviously. It feels like... he completely stopped caring. And I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where everything is about sex and having fun only. Draco wasn't looking for a commitment, which..."

"Sucks,"ended this time Pansy unhesitatingly, who wasn't now screaming from the other part of a room but openly participating in the discussion.

"Yeah," you agreed.

"As for me, I think he might love you more than you know, Y/N." It was Daphne talking again, and she sounded positively convinced about her view as for someone who had hardly exchanged any word with Draco for the past few years. As if reading your thoughts, she continued. "I've observed you a lot. I know he might seem unemotional, but it's you who discovered him. That must require a lot of trust, you know."

You contemplated, and some of the memories and images from your first encounter run across your brain, try as might to suppress it: spotting each other at the party; binging some whisky shots together; flirty teasing; the very masculine scent of cologne; and then... more spicy recollections -- eager lips pressing against each other; against each others' necks; against other parts of the body; stripping off the clothes in the passionate haste...

Receiving a long moment of silence, Daphne took a second chance and asked. "And what's with you? Do you want to end it?"

It felt like standing before the oracle of truth. Therefore, you couldn't deny it in front of yourself. "No."

"So what're you still doing there?" commented Pansy impatiently, and you could imagine her rolling the eyes. "Get out and find him!"

She was right. You will.

XOXOXOXO

"I thought I'd find you here..."

No. Actually, you didn't. 

You had tracked Draco's phone with your own one with some help of an app that, as the two of you had established still in the relationship, would be a good idea in case of an emergency. That in itself proved to be more than helpful, believing that your argument may be pinned as something in terms of an emergency, right?

So having access to his location, you had found out he was in the park where he had taken you on the first date, shortly after dinner, to watch the sunset that, as he had described, 'was a typical cliche from every romantic movie.'

But you had fallen for that. So much.

You hadn't been aware the place had actually some meaning for him until now, and that... God, that he had even remembered it. Time showed, however, that it indeed did, to which your heart reacted with a happy jolting. But also with a nasty sting of nostalgia following shortly after.

Yet, that only had encouraged you to make up your mind and go looking for him, which hadn't been such a difficult task per se. He was sitting on the bench, in the shade of a tree, and hiding his a little too delicate skin from the sun rays. As soon as he had heard your voice, his gray eyes flew up to see you standing a few meters away.

"What are you doing here?" was the immediate question that tumbled out of his mouth. He arched his eyebrow, and to your surprise, he didn't even look angry or sad with you. Nothing near the edge; actually, almost something like the amusement was painting on his face.

"Aren't you mad with me?" you asked intrigued, completely forgetting about his question.

He frowned. "Why would I be?" His tone was so mild that you weren't sure if he was referring to the double meaning; but then he smirked playfully and said, "Besides, I knew you were coming."

"Wha-- How?" you asked, eyes dilating a fraction, in shock.

He smirked, pointing at his phone in an explanatory manner. After a moment, you finally figured out what he meant: the app must have registered he had been tracked and that your phone was trying to find his. At this notice, you reacted with a wave of flush, suddenly regretting your previous lie. His smile only widened at your expression. "Wanna sit? It's plenty of room here."

"Mhm..." You nodded, pleased to accept his offer, and walked over to the bench, doing your best to hide the evident embarrassment on your face. You felt strange he had taken you with such ease, seeing as merely two or three hours ago, you had burst at him like a cram-full volcano of unspoken emotions.

Draco shifted a package from his side, making more space for you to sit, and it took you a moment to realize it was a McDonald's cake from earlier. Everything started from that -- a stupid, little piece of cake which stood up between...

You shook the thought away, taking a seat next to him, close enough to smell his sandalwood cologne. "You didn't answer my question," Draco reminded you. "What's so important to make you track my phone?"

"I'm sorry, okay?" You rounded your face to him, flustrated, leaning at the backrest of a bench. "That's why I came. I wanted to apologize."

"Oh... Couldn't you call?"

You sighed. "I figured you wouldn't want to talk to me after...you know... our quarrel," you said half-despondent, half-desperate, watching your feet as if it were the most interesting thing to peer at now. "I didn't mean what I said earlier."

"I know," he said. Out of nowhere, he was gently grasping your palms which forced you to look up directly into his intense gaze. His eyes were swirling like molten silver at you. "But I should be apologizing, love. I made a mistake, okay?" His hands traveled all across to your tense shoulders, squeezing them lightly. "I know I should be more... affectionate with you. And this was...dumb. A dumb mistake. With that cake. But I'll try to be better if you give it another shot."

He looked so serious that you instantly believed him. You wanted to actually, with all force of longing, which grew up too rapidly in you when he wasn't around. Draco was a fool, you could easily say. But he was your fool, which was a thing you couldn't be more proud of.

Peeking slowly in the other direction, you asked, out of the topic, "You remembered the place?"

"Of course," he puffed jokingly, smiling. "Our first date. Officially our place from then on."

"Right..." You smiled back.

Honestly, the mere fact that he had called this spot 'yours' warmed up your heart, and you felt yourself grinning at his never-before-discovered emotionality. To assure yourself you weren't the only one caring, it was all you needed to hear.

The whole moment was intense, and now, you realized, is when you should have hugged him. Kissed him. Said something back at his sincere endearment.

But instead, spotting plastic cutlery next to your 'gift', you asked, "So what's the taste of the birthday cake?"  

And you knew he had caught the subtext of your playful inquiry. And you knew that soon you would work things out again. But, as for now...

"I thought you would never ask."

XOXOXOXO

A/N: Looooooool. Such a drama-comedy, right? And I could easily say It feels like 50% Draco-x-Reader / 50% Draco-x-BirthdayCake... But whatever (2am is working like a drunken bud, folks). Happy beginning of August :)

[kuekyuuq]

Praise and blind spots... (6x12)

I know, I wouldn't be able to do the topic justice, so I will refrain from going in too deep into 6x12′s plot. This is not my usual format and will focus more on the series as a whole, in light of this episode...

Azie Tesfai wrote a beautiful episode on a very important topic. And managed to tie it in to what Supergirl (the show) needed to be, among other things.

Yes, it's a superhero show. But that's the thing: While movies have the luxury to keep their focus on the big picture, series should also find the time to address the micro-cosmos, the consequences, the backlash, the whole canvas.

We watch shows these days, that are more and more departing from the olden format of episodic and towards the serialized - meaning, not only villain-arcs (vaguely) span over the whole of a season, but also the main characters' developments and evolution... and more importantly the stories and characters surrounding them. This should allow for interesting stories to be told in the background, without becoming background-noise. What saddens me, is that Supergirl only really started using this narration device in an effective way in its final season. With a very important topic, that while having been touched on before, deserved a good depiction, worthy of it's depth.

In this season we had two episodes before, that made me happy on that level - both also heavily featuring Azie's character, Kelly. The story about the young black man and his little brother was a heartfelt one, a relatable and thought-provoking story, given more depth by being picked up again. Being treated not as just another plot-device.

Oh, I wished we had a time-machine, cut out so many of the unnecessary and bland filler stories (that never really went anywhere) and got to dive in deeper into the many topics CWSG checked off it's PC list during its run and actually told something worth revisiting. Like this. Like what Azie did right here in 6x12.

Now, we’ve got this little gem. In the last season. Focusing on one of the secondary main-characters. The girlfriend of the sister of the titular hero... While the titular hero herself is and has been side-lined in the past 4 episodes. (If not longer... *sigh*)

I really liked this episode. I really love its format. And the topic is so very important. On all its depicted levels (and there were many).

...why did this have to happen only now?

On one hand, I feel, this is something the series can be remembered for. The last season's arc of Kelly and the story her character has to tell, the awareness this story brings forward. In a show, that should have so much impact.

On the other, I feel it's taking up room from our main character, when there should be time spend addressing Kara's traumas, her healing, her relationships.... her story. And in better hands, we possibly could have (had) both. But, alas, this is the CW.

We should have had this episode two seasons ago!

Now we have a new hero, build up before the series' finale, when we know the new Guardian will not get to shine or tell her stories (is there even talk about a spin-off for her?).

I hope, sincerely, that the last stretch of episodes will be able to balance its stories much better. That Kelly - now that her story and origin and drive has been told - will not sink back into the shadows, while we also get more Kara (and let’s not forget wrapping up the rest of the Superfriends’ arcs).

The show hardly felt like "Supergirl" in a while now. Kara is there, yes. And I get the behind-the-scenes reasons as of why they had to have her on her own separate adventure for the first 7 episodes. But... there are so many unresolved topics around Kara, herself. (IMO, the only character that continuously got this much attention is Lena Luthor, having almost more background-story, character build-up, -arc, emotional depth and consequences, personal and surrounding her, than Kara - including the horrible over-the-top mess that was season 5.)

Gosh, the show even made a point of having Kelly say, that it wasn't Kara's job to deal with these little things. Which is right and wrong at the same time. Supergirl is an over-powered superhero. Which brings conflict in its own right. Which - in a series - should leave room to explore her as a person and dealing with the chasm between her powers and her vulnerability, her character, her emotions, her traumas, her desires, hopes and dreams and wishes, her evolution and re-evaluations...

Kara Zor-El Danvers should be the - or at least a - focus in her (last!) season.

And on top of that, we should get to see what happens when the heroes dust off their hands and leave the scene after fighting the big bad.

Consequences. The show has been horrendously bad at addressing those before. The Children of Liberty arc tried to deal with that... but in a way that lead to extremists, and for the sake of a big bad - rather than in a relatable Everyman / Everwoman / Every..person(?) way.  This episode did that. The previous Kelly episodes did that. So very well...

...addressing the little people, the normal people, the minorities, the (unintentional) victims, the over-looked, the individual sufferings, the by-standers...

...but also unintentionally showcasing the shortcomings of the show in a very unflattering way. But I guess, for an episode titled “Blind Spots”, that attempts to cast light on things that have been ignored before, that’s rather fitting...

... I don't think, I can say much else without accidentally taking away from Azie’s master piece or her intent and thoughtful execution...

I did very much appreciate the "24h earlier" bit, showing Kelly's tale paralleling the 'grand adventures' of the Superfriends.

I did not think, Diggle needed to keep telling Kelly how proud her brother would be, as Kelly should not need her brother's thumbs-up or for the show to yet again inadvertently compare a female to their male 'counterpart'. Kelly's Guardian will (hopefully) not be like James'. Just like Supergirl is her own woman and comparing her to Superman is just inadequate.

...and I love how even the mail was quicker than the jet that brought Lena back to National City.

...

I love the show for its quirkiness. Not the unintentional one, but the funny and goofy bits. For Kara being walking (or flying) sunshine incarnated, but also relatable in her day-to-day struggles. For characters with so much promise that I got so much more invested in the show, than its average writing deserves. It is a series, that had so much potential. To tell big and small stories, important and impactful stories. Fun, sad, thought-provoking, entertaining, exciting, adventurous, soothing, real, fantastic... I never asked for the show to 'pick a lane' (I'd take Lucy...) because there has always been potential to meld so many themes and motives and ...moods together - that's what an ensemble cast is perfect for.

Thank you, Azie Tesfai, for a great episode!

Fingers crossed, the last stretch of the show will be able to keep up with a bar suddenly raised so very high.

[imagining-in-the-margins]

WIP Challenge Snippets!

Big thank you to everyone who requested something. I love hearing what ideas you all are excited for! I'll put each of the snippets below in alphabetical order. All but one are just dialogue - I'm currently at a point where that's all I have done for most of my WIPs.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, only smut fics were requested, so minors please DNI!

Hope you enjoy!

Centerfold*

I'm still unsure if this will be a mini-series or a oneshot. I have no freaking clue. Here's a snippet of dialogue, though! Starts with Derek.

“Alright kid, spill the beans.” “Did you know that phrase could stem from numerous possible practices? It could just be a reference to vomiting, but there’s an alternate explanation involving an ancient voting practice of dropping colored beans into a jar and—“ “Not gonna work on me, Reid.” “Fine.” (whispers) “That girl in that magazine? The ‘Vegas Vixen?’ I lost my virginity to her.” “You’re messing with me.” “No! I’m not! I swear that I am not messing with you.” “There’s no way.” “Would I make that up?!” “To mess with me? Yeah, maybe.”

Coquette*

This is a long work that has been heavily inquired about and a very long time coming, so here is a long snippet of dialogue to continue the trend. Starts with Spencer.

“Don’t sound so scared. I’m not going to tell anyone.” “I-I know.” “Do you?” “No. I just hoped not…” “What were you planning if I said I was going to?” “Where are we going? I never told you my address.” “I need to drive around in case someone is following us.” “Oh. That makes sense.” “Answer my question.” “I… hadn’t considered it.” “That’s a lie.” “Fine. I would make a deal with you.” “Tell me the deal. Maybe I’ve changed my mind.” “I won’t tell everyone how hard you got for me when I danced on your lap if you don’t tell them I’m a stripper.” “A tempting offer, although I’m not very ashamed of being turned on by a woman who’s made a career out of being tantalizing, Coquette.” “What’s your idea of a good deal, then?” “Hmmm… My silence in exchange for whatever you were willing to offer me before you found out who I was.” “What are you implying?” “I know a lot about that club… And that it was your first night in the backroom. But your nerves tell me you knew what you were there for.” “Are you seriously propositioning me right now? Through blackmail?” “You asked me what a good deal was, not what I would ask for.” “So what would you ask for?” “Your address. So I can take you home.”

H2M Epilogue*

This whole part makes me want to melt, but here is a funny dialogue snippet.

Derek: “Alright, I know you love to break rules, but Penelope made me doorman for a reason.” Reader: “You really want to pick a fight with me? On my wedding day? I know you know me, Derek Morgan. I know you know better than to stand between me and my husband.” Derek: “He’s not your husband yet, Princess.” Spencer: “Actually, we had a courthouse ceremony a few weeks ago, just in case something happened and we had to miss this ceremony.” (Reader tackles him as he walks up to the door) Derek: “Hopeless. And selfish. Penelope is going to kill me, you know.”

Lane Courtesy* (Franklin)

This fic is purely for my beta @sunlight-moonrise, but y'all can read it if you want. Starts with Franklin.

“Maybe it’d be easier if you bought clothes that fit.” “I think I look pretty good in what I’m wearing. And I think you think so, too. Besides... it’s all in the wrist, anyway. You wanna see?” (She grabs his ball, he grabs her arm) “Don’t worry, babe. I’m good at handling men’s balls.” “Oh, I bet you are.” “Plus, I promise I’ll give them back to you after.”

Practice Makes Perfect* (backburner)

This is a very old original idea I had. I'm not sure if/when I'll ever get around to it - if anyone wants it, I'd love to hand over the dialogue I have so far. Here is a snippet regardless! Starts with Spencer.

“Hey (y/n), what—" “Spencer! Can I come in?” “C-come in? Into my room?” “Uh... yeah.” “But you... you’re... you’re dressed like a...” “A stripper, yeah. Are you going to make me stand out here like this longer?” (He lets her in) “Is there something I can do?” “Can I dance on you?” “What?” “I want to give you a lap dance. Please.” “A lap— why?" “Who else am I going to ask? Hotch? Please, Spencer. You’re the only person I trust.” “Trust?” “Please stop rephrasing everything I say as a question.”

Shortbread (Chip)

Love me some Sub!Chip. This is honestly probably on the backburner. I've been in a very Spencer mood lately. Starts with Chip.

“Can I ask you something?” “What’s up, sweetheart?” “Why are you so nice to me all the time?” “What do you mean?” “You don’t really know me. But ever since I met you, you’ve always just been nice to me. I mean, I know you’re nice to everyone, but it feels…” “Different? It should.”

Seatbelt Safety* (Chip)

Gosh, this fic is so short, I really need to just write it. Uber Driver Chip. Starts with Reader.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry. I kind of needed to act a bit crazy.” “Why?” “I was trying to get out a super awkward date.” “By running into the street?” “Trust me. It was a bad date.” “Oh. Well, I’m sorry you had a bad date.” “It’s fine. You know how it goes.” “Not really. Haven’t had a date in a long time.” “Why is that?” “Idunno.” “Hm.” “What?” “You wanna go on a date with me?” “What?” “Let’s go on a date.” “... What?” “Most people say yes or no. ‘What’ isn’t very helpful. Is this why you can’t get a date?” “I can get a date! I just... haven’t been asked by anyone in awhile. And definitely not like that. That was weird.”

Study Session* (requested three times!):

I have a lot of this done already, so you get an actual sneak peek here!

“Listen closely, young lady,” he said like I had any other option. Like I wasn’t enraptured and enchanted by the feel of his warm breath once again hitting my ear. He could feel the way breath stuttered and my body stumbled straight into him with eager hands. I could almost feel his smirk against my ear when he concluded, “I would never... ever sleep with you.” And just like that, he was gone. He didn’t just drop me; he tossed me to his side like the very notion of being that close to me disgusted him. The desire that had been burning inside of my chest quickly shifted to rage. He could pretend like he didn’t want me, but there was no other justification for bringing me out to the back in the first place. There was no reason to allow me to confront him, nor for him to discuss my sex life in any manner at all. Seconds after we were both inside again, I grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back to me. Surprisingly, there was very little resistance. It was almost like he was waiting for me to do it. I tugged him into the small, dimly lit bathroom without a care in the world for who might have seen us or what whispers might follow. Spencer was already laughing, apparently amused by anger rolling off of me. “Say it again,” I ordered through heavy breaths, “Say it to my face.” I’d prepared myself for a number of responses — most of which were varying levels of humiliating. What I hadn’t prepared for, however, were the words that actually came out of his mouth. Casually, and without question, Spencer ordered, “Get on your knees.” He was so calm that I felt like it must have been a trick. It took everything in me not to fall to my knees, and instead I managed to ask, “Why?” His answer was equally unhelpful and alluring. “Because I said so.”

The Agent Assigned to My Webcam*

This is a beast of a fic, so it'll also be a while. There were so many parts I could show you, but I thought this one was the most thought provoking.

Reader: “Wait! Sorry, I-I... uh... Can I see your ring?” Spencer: “... Sure.” Reader: “Thanks. What did you say your name was?” Spencer: “I didn’t.” (He leaves, she follows him into the empty hallway) Reader: “Do I know you, Doctor Reid?” Spencer: “No.” Reader: “Are you sure?” Spencer: “I could ask you the same thing.” Reader: “Drop your pants and I’ll tell you exactly how sure I am.” Luke: (walks in) “Sorry. Am I... interrupting something?”

That's all for now, folks!

Thanks for reading. If you feel so inclined, let me know what you thought about any of the above here!

[pumpkinpaix]

*waves* Hi! New(ish) follower, I followed for your posts about translation which are beautiful (especially the one about the imagery of "Zewu-jun") and thought-provoking; I don't have a good segue so here are some Salty Asks I'd like to know your answers to concerning MDZS: 5, 9, 10, 12, 23

oh, that’s so sweet of you!! thank you I’m really happy you enjoyed them 💛

okay salt incoming let’s see--all opinions are my own, no one has to agree with me, etc! and in true cyan fashion, this ask meme response actually needs a readmore  l m a o

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

fandom has not ruined any ships in mdzs for me, but it has made me way more critical of both wangxian and xicheng interpretations. not in the sense that like, I think they are bad! i love wangxian and xicheng, but I have very very specific feelings about them that I rarely see reflected in popular fandom interpretations. (because i am a picky bitch lol) 

wangxian tends to get the “they did no wrong and their love is righteous” treatment which I find disingenuous and believe directly contradicts the point of mdzs. i think that wangxian is fundamentally a very selfish relationship, and that that is, in fact, a good thing. i love that about them. i care so much about the assertion that your desires do not have to be perfect and righteous to still matter and be worthwhile. i don’t understand the impulse to make wangxian into a pure ship that triumphs and “deserves” a happy ending because they were right all along. I always felt like the entire point of mdzs was that--you can be the most terrible person, you can do unspeakable harm, and still be loved and deserving of that love. i think wangxian is compelling and moving specifically for that reason, and I often have to back out of interpretations that don’t acknowledge it in the way that i want them to. a lot of interpretations tend to idealize wwx and lwj in ways that I disagree with, and I’ve seen a lot of vitriolic pushback over anything that’s seen as even vaguely critical of either of them, when the point isn’t that “wwx/lwj is a bad person because he is selfish” the point is that “wwx/lwj’s choices are selfishly motivated” -- that’s not meant to be a value judgment, at least for me.

(i understand that a lot of this has to do with CQL’s influence, in which wangxian IS narratively rewarded for their righteousness, but as I’ve discussed at length, I think that positioning undermines what makes mdzs so powerful to me in the first place. not that i don’t love CQL!! i do love CQL--they have made a beautiful thing within the constraints that they had. but I think the novel is much stronger thematically.)

as for xicheng: i think that their relationship could be extraordinarily interesting if done in specific ways--I do not think they are well-suited to each other at any point in the canon timeline, but that they could be something really good maybe 10 years post-canon. I used to really like the idea of xicheng romantically, but as time goes on, I’m leaning harder into friendship. I think they have a lot of uniquely shared life experiences, and that it would be really good for both of them to have a person that they knew understood those experiences intimately: the pressures of leading a sect before adulthood, the grief of losing your family in a massacre and being unable to save them, the betrayal of someone who was once so close to you--that’s a lot. and i think there are very few people in their generation who could truly understand that. (for this reason, I also think lxc and xxc would be a very interesting relationship to see many many years post-canon, if xxc were ever revived) but during canon? no, absolutely not. i don’t think lxc has the slightest interest in jc, and i don’t think jc is particularly moved by lxc either, beyond a distant “yeah i mean, he’s the first jade everyone loves him sure moving on” kind of way. they both have their own shit to deal with, and before lxc’s seclusion and also before the core reveal, i think jc is too angry and vicious for lxc and lxc is too soft and toothless for jc. for someone to really convince me on xicheng, jc has to move towards some kind of self-forgiveness and peace and lxc has to move towards self-assertion. then I think they can meet somewhere in the middle of all that.

and like, it’s not that i won’t read silly fluffy aus or like canonverse stuff with them in a ship, but i admit that because it’s grown so popular but not at all in the ways that i personally want, I’m frustrated with and have retreated from reading it. unless it’s done in the specific way i like, it has too much of a pair the spares vibe for me to get behind it anymore.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

jin guangshan, obvious reasons, next

ok well, i guess to elaborate even slightly: jin guangshan, to me, is the embodiment of the systems within mdzs that cause tragedy. he and chang ci’an are similar in that respect? like, the callousness with which they treat people they consider beneath them. what is nothing to them is ruinous for another, but why should they care? but jgs really had every advantage handed to him and chose to use that advantage to hurt others in really insidious ways and i can’t forgive that. jin zixun is also on this list, but like, still ahead of jgs bc he’s younger. -_- i suppose in that respect, i also very much dislike chang ci’an, but that’s a bit harder to quantify, given that we know almost nothing about him.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

huh. uhhhh. i think i actually really like all of them? in the novel anyways. if we’re talking CQL, yin iron plot ugh.

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

I think for similar reasons to 10, not really! I don’t see a lot of hate for any specific plot arc. Oh, maybe the incense burners? I completely unironically love those. people rag a lot on mxtx’s smut, but it’s very important to me for a number of like, personal mental health reasons lol.

23. Unpopular character you love?

xue yang! i think xue yang’s character raises a very interesting point about equivalent justice that kinda gets swept away in all the uhhhh murder. and it’s a point that has really big thematic repercussions, I think? but the way it’s worded makes it very easy to dismiss.

very briefly: xue yang is right when he says that 50 lives cannot pay back his finger, because there is nothing that can pay back that finger. no vengeance or sentence visited upon chang ci’an will ever be equal to the injustice that he visited upon xue yang. i think there’s a bit of naivety in the way xxc says “why didn’t you cut off his finger then? or his whole arm, if that wasn’t enough?” and the answer I think is very obvious--xy cutting off cca’s finger would not in any way be the same kind of trauma that xy losing his finger was, esp if chang ci’an knew who xue yang was. there would be an understanding in that: i am losing my finger because this man blames me for the loss of his finger. but to xue yang, a 7 year old? the pain he experienced was completely senseless and cruel and terrifying.

does that mean xue yang was justified? no jesus christ, but i do think it ties very neatly into the general themes of what it means to get vengeance, what it means to get justice, and how cycles of trauma eventually end. so i love him for that.

on a lesser note, but a similar one: i rather like su she, I think. there is something about like, jgy’s “all i had to do was remember his name and he was willing to die for me” that gets to me. there’s a huge tragedy in that somewhere.

wow i have no idea if any of that was coherent im very sleepy

salt asks

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

Was Ugetsu manipulative?

Some time ago, I posted my AkiUgetsu timeline thread on Twitter and was asked in the replies if I thought Ugetsu was manipulative. I had seen that discourse around, but I have never really pondered about it. So, I thought I’d take this opportunity to see if I thought he was manipulative.

Before I get more into this, though, a couple of disclaimers.

Firstly, this is merely an answer to a question. I am not responding to any piece of anti/pro-Ugetsu discourse out there. Also, this is just my personal take on things. I am not posing this as one and only correct interpretation. If someone agrees with me, great. If someone disagrees, that’s also fine. I’m not trying to tell anyone how to feel about Ugetsu’s character or the AkiUgetsu relationship.

Secondly, it’s no secret that I’m an Ugetsu and Akihiko stan and AkiUgetsu is my Given OTP. That disposition is good to keep in mind by whoever is reading this. However, I try to put my own biases aside when writing these kinds of analyses. Just because I love Ugetsu’s character doesn’t mean I’m only going to write things that my fellow-Ugetsu-fans like to hear. But I am interpreting things as someone who claims to understand his side of things, and I understand if that might seem like I’m already being too biased to someone.

End of disclaimers!

“Do you think Ugetsu was being "manipulative"? Many people call him that and it hurts me a little”

I found this a surprisingly challenging question when I wasn’t given any concrete examples of Ugetsu supposedly being manipulative. It was difficult to grasp that perspective by myself when I was going through the manga.

Usually, I don’t have big trouble putting my own bias aside for these things, but now I felt like I was questioning/second-guessing myself at every turn. Because I feel like you can see Ugetsu as manipulative if you simply take that point of view/stance. The answer is in the question.

But trying to make myself do that felt like I was going against my interpretation of what kind of story Ugetsu and AkiUgetsu are telling regardless of my bias. I really don’t think Kizu wrote Ugetsu as some kind of toxic/manipulative villain, so trying to take that stance felt untrue from the get-go. But on the other hand, if I was really this unable to see things from the manipulation perspective, was I just letting my bias cloud my thinking? Can you see my struggle?

In the end, I decided to go with what “manipulation” I myself can see. So, I’m sure many people will disagree with me on this reading.

Some time ago, I wrote another piece about AkiUgetsu when I was asked why do I think they stayed together for so long even though they were both suffering. In that, I explained how I tend to visualize AkiUgetsu in two ways: a circle/cycle, and two layers on top of each other. I think the layers might help me in explaining how I see the “manipulative Ugetsu” interpretation.

One of the reasons why I think AkiUgetsu got so bad was the ambiguity of their relationship. There were two layers to what they were. Officially and on the surface, they were platonic roommates. Both of them were single on paper and free to date other people if they so desired. In this regard, Ugetsu was in his full right to sleep with other people without that making him a “slut” or a “cheater”.

But under that “official”, platonic, and visible layer, there was another hidden layer that was what still bound them together. Under the surface, they were still emotionally and occasionally even physically involved with each other. They still had feelings for each other, and living together only kept those feelings lingering and tying them to each other despite how painful it was.

These two layers created a “yes, but…” situation in many ways in AkiUgetsu as roommates. The ambiguity gave room for very mixed messages from Ugetsu’s part which is where I think the “manipulation” interpretation can be found if somewhere. It’s quite easy to take a look at Ugetsu dating other people while also allowing Akihiko to stay with him as Ugetsu manipulatively stringing Akihiko along. He could have his cake and eat it, too.

And I’m sure that’s at least partly how it came across to Akihiko, too (vol. 4 ch. 20):

Ugetsu appearing to be hot and then cold was a painful game of hem and haw for Akihiko. He was confused and frustrated by Ugetsu not making a decision and sticking to it, especially since he knew Akihiko still loved him. It felt like Ugetsu was indulging him out of pity. Akihiko had never wanted to break up in the first place, so if Ugetsu was going to throw him a bone or give him some kind of leeway, Akihiko was unable to let that pass and stop holding on to Ugetsu. And I have a feeling that Ugetsu knew Akihiko would stay, too, if he gave him even a slither of hope.

So, yes, I do think that to some extent, Ugetsu was aware of how much his indecisive behavior was hurting Akihiko (vol. 3 ch. 17):

He knew his actions probably came across as cruel to Akihiko. I think he was aware of the fact that he was hurting him when he slept with someone else while not rejecting Akihiko properly. So, I’m not trying to say he was innocent or couldn’t have handled their relationship as roommates better. If he wanted both of them to stop suffering, he should have made up his mind and not allow himself to waver.

All in all, I’m also not surprised if this side of Ugetsu’s behavior can come across as manipulative and selfish to some readers. I could see that.

But I think if you leave your interpretation at that, you are looking at things only on the surface level and ignoring a lot of how Ugetsu feels. Ugetsu’s character is all about seeing behind what he says or how he behaves.

Just as Akihiko felt like he “can’t quit” Ugetsu no matter how much it hurt, the same applied to Ugetsu as well (vol. 4 ch. 17):

When Ugetsu slept with someone else, Akihiko took it as him ceasing the chance to finally get rid of Akihiko and to provoke him. And he kind of got it right, but the tone was actually different from Ugetsu’s point of view. He was trying to take the chance to end their relationship, but because he was unable to do it as such, he purposefully hurt Akihiko to push him away. Ugetsu made himself the bad guy when trying to break up with Akihiko for good because he himself couldn’t take that last step of walking away. He needed Akihiko to do that.

When Ugetsu told Mafuyu about why he had originally broken up with Akihiko but why he was so powerless to let go of him now, Mafuyu heard it as Ugetsu’s “scream”. He saw how much in pain Ugetsu was behind his words.

And that’s the thing. Ugetsu was suffering in the same cycle as Akihiko. His own indecisiveness was bringing himself pain just the same (vol. 5 ch. 27):

On one hand, Ugetsu couldn’t picture Akihiko not coming back and leaving him for good. Whenever he thought “maybe…”, he always arrived at “no…”. He recognized Akihiko might leave one day but couldn’t imagine his life without him. He was just as unable to let go as Akihiko was – probably even more – and yet, he also wanted the suffering to end. Try to grasp the level of the complex inner conflict of that.

And this is what I meant when I said that with Ugetsu, you need to see behind the surface. He wasn’t giving mixed messages (or being “manipulative”, if you want to call it that) out of some kind of malice. When he was seemingly willfully ignoring the second layer of his relationship with Akihiko by openly dating other people, he was trying to push Akihiko away and free them both. He wasn’t toying with him for his own amusement.

But he also lacked the resolve to go through with the last step of breaking up – just like Akihiko before the intervention of him moving out for a while – which came across as him indulging Akihiko’s lingering feelings cruelly out of pity. Under the surface, though, the truth was he also “couldn’t quit” Akihiko and was suffering from the same pain as him.

Ugetsu wasn’t innocent of any wrongdoings. He should have done some things differently. Just as Akihiko was ultimately responsible for not leaving, so was Ugetsu for not sticking to his decision of breaking up and not allowing Akihiko to linger. Personally, I don’t agree with the “Ugetsu did nothing wrong” discourse. They were both “guilty” in their prolonged suffering.

However, that is not to say I don’t sympathize with both of them. I understand why they couldn’t let go of each other despite all the pain. So, I honestly can’t vilify either of them. The way they were struggling and yet unable to stop was very human to me. “Should have” often isn’t nearly as easy as “could have”.

I think you can interpret Ugetsu as manipulative if you want to. You can interpret any character in a bad light if you want to. But in doing so, I think you’re only seeing the “what” and ignoring the “why”. You’re missing the complex, between-the-lines flip side of the coin that I think is at the very core of Given – especially regarding Ugetsu’s character and the AkiUgetsu relationship.