#my brain feels fried

[the-ace-with-spades]

So I'm at the F-14 joyride part of (sometimes I feel) like a monkey pilot and I obviously wrote the very very rough skeletal draft of that scene when I was in the depths of fic research and don't remember shit rn so I was just going to check one detail about take off procedures

somehow I'm now 400 pages into a 1000 pages of NATOPS

[updatingranboo]

hi guys im doing great

[thorns-in-daisy-fields]

I used to dream 

about a person

who's features 

never carried 

over with me

in the morning. 

I couldn't tell you 

what they looked like, 

sounded like, 

or anything in 

relation,

but I can tell you what

it was like 

to be in love

with them.

It was foriegn,

but not strange.

I was cozy and safe,

right at home

by their side. 

It was to be 

full of embers,

and magnatism, 

to be a moth 

drawn to flame; 

so innate,

so inhesitent,

with such a perfect,

quiet 

mind. 

They were almost hypnotic

with how they had me 

hanging 

onto their every word.

They knew exactly what to say,

what to do,

effortlessly giving and 

endearing,

leaving no room

to question

their love.

To wake from those dreams

was to wake in 

grief. 

I would cry and ache 

with loss. 

I thought it was strange

to feel this way over 

a silly, little dream

until I met them.

I try not to think

too superstitiously,

but sometimes I find it

harder than I think 

I should. 

I think I've met

the person 

from my dreams.

Elated as I am,

there's still something 

missing. 

I feel

I'm in the right place

with nothing but my fear

holding me back.

They don't let me feel bad

for my anticipation.

To them,

it makes sense.

They don't push me inward, 

so I stumble after them

on unsteady legs,

still a little seasick

from my past 

because

I want to abandon this fear,

and find freedom in my love,

so that I may sink into

what I already know

I'm capable of.

-A love unshackled by fear

[chemicahs]

Doing some hardcore muscle memory and dexterity training today and making amazing progress

[haylee-bb]

Aggressive Elder: Kids these days have no common sense! This generation has no critical thinking skills!

Me(19 and suffering from cognitive dysfunctions such as heavy brain fog, delayed reactions, memory issues, etc.):

Yes.

[girldadbuckley]

i just spent like five hours on another buddie gifset i'm so glad i go back to work on monday oh my god

[generaltrashshecox]

So I probably won't be posting kinktober today sorry y'all (if anybody cares lol) but I will be posting tomorrow so don't worry! My brain needs a little rest because shit have I been writing constantly 😅😅

Anyway I'm sorry (not really) for the person I'm gonna be when Fridays sketch and BTS drops ✌️✌️

[yesterdayiwrote]

.

I really do feel completely lost sometimes, like the whole world exists in a different language and there's no subtitles...

My dad suddenly asked me if I wanted to go to a musical with him and my mum in London on a specific date and to decide NOW because there were only 2 blocks of seats left. So I said no because a) I was at work and in the middle of doing something and couldn't make the decision fast enough, b) I'm not that fussed about seeing the specific musical and c) with trainfare and ticket it's expensive when you're not that fussed.

And now they're ANGRY with me for saying no because they were 'only doing it for my benefit' despite there being no previous discussion of this happening and me never having expressed an interest in going to this show. I just feel... so lost in how I was supposed to have picked up the cues on this, and how my response warrants them being angry at me?!

I just assumed they were going and were inviting me to tag along, but according to my mum they're not going without me because they've seen it but she thinks I should see it too... so basically they're annoyed at me for not agreeing to do something they think I should do?

[littlekiara96]

Haha. Hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

. . .

Guess who has finished the 2.1 storyline.

I still want to marry "them". Eventhough "they" stand for the exact opposite of a principle that I value very much.

"They" stands for one specific character. And what a "character", right?? AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA~

[deadlynyghtshayde]

How do I continue to pursue all of my creative interests, but get paid to do so? Every time I think I've decided which path to follow I end up veering off down another, I'm at a point where I can do so much - I have done some really cool things! Both professionally and personally. I don't know where to go that will allow me to do a bit of everything and hone and refine skills..

I'm also terrified that I can't do anything well enough because I can't keep focus long enough to develop past some kind of block. Not to mention the ice cage of fear that comes when I consider letting anyone see what I've created

[silverior968]

Alright, once again: long post ahead. Here's part 1 of that Anton Shudder hc list I promised. And as last time, @theathefool deserves like 50% of the credit for these since we came up with a lot of them together, especially everything to do with Anton's siblings. This one deals exclusively with his life before joining the sanctuary.

-Anton's parents were both sorcerers, his mother was an adept specializing in linguistics and etymology (or as I like to call it, linguist supreme) and his father was an energy thrower. His mother was a messenger between sanctuaries during the war and that's how his parents met

-His father later moved to Ireland to be with his now wife, but kept fighting in the war

-His mother decided to stay home, she had never much liked fighting or being a part of the war and now she had 4 children to take care of. Her husband tried to spend as much time home with his family as possible though, he loved his wife and kids more than anything

-Anton's the second oldest, he has a twin sister, Iris (who's only older by a few minutes) and two younger sisters, Arnica (2 years younger) and Ivy (5 years younger). Anton's given name was Aspen, they were all named after plants

-He was the closest to Iris. She was the more grounded one, she knew how to talk to people and had realistic goals. Anton, on the other hand, was the opposite of that: quiet and always lost in daydreams

-He also absolutely adored his younger sisters, he would brush their hair and cut apples for them and let them give him weird hairdos

-When he was about 8 years old his father died, killed in the war. His mother's health began declining soon after, her hair started going gray from the grief and she didn't take as good care of herself as before. In the end, all it took was a particularly nasty sickness and she was gone as well

-Afterwards Iris and Anton both started doing odd jobs to support themselves. One thing that Iris would do was give people advice on planting crops and caring for livestock based on things she'd foreseen, which would unfortunately earn them the attention of the forces of Mevolent. She was a child of two Sanctuary members, and very clearly a powerful sensitive even at her young age. It would be easiest to get rid of her

-The two soldiers sent to take care of it never came back, however. When further inquiries were made to the townspeople, they responded with something vague about a wolf attack incident with two local children and two strangers. The children were fine, they assured, but there wasn't really enough left of the strangers to send anywhere and they didn't know where they'd come from, so they just dug them unmarked graves

-Of course, that's not what really happened. There was no wolf, it was the first time Anton summoned his gist-Iris made him swear not to ever do it again as soon as he'd come to, frightened by her brother seemingly getting possessed by some foul entity. The visions she'd had regarding her brother didn't exactly help either, and she might not have gone about it the right way, but she was 11 and scared of losing anyone else

-They didn't go anywhere without all their siblings present after that. Iris couldn't go out alone, and the younger sisters couldn't be left on their own either, so they came with them to town

-To Anton's credit, he kept the promise of not using his gist for as long as he could. He took up sigils and was quite good at it-After about 4 years of relative peace they were attacked once again, severely outnumbered, and Iris was fatally wounded. Anton was forced to use his gist to save Arnica, Ivy and himself

-Anton struggled a lot with the grief, especially knowing that he'd broken his promise to Iris right after she'd died. He became a lot more grounded, and instead of becoming lost in daydreams, he'd spend hours trying to think of how he could've prevented all of it

-This marks the start of a several centuries long battle with depression

-He ended up deciding that the best thing he could do to protect Arnica and Ivy would be to have his sisters go to school and stay there until he'd pick them up, so he could work during the days without worrying about them being all alone

-At this point you already know where this is going. He's 16 years old and comes back from work one stormy day to find his sisters missing. He asks around and everyone is confused: he had come back an hour prior and taken them swimming. He hurries to the river and almost drowns trying to find them, but it's too late, a bystander pulls him out and tells him they'd been found. Both of them had died

-The town was mostly inhabited by sorcerers so when the people he worked with confirmed he'd been at work the whole day, most people accepted that it had probably been a shapeshifter. Anton never knew if his sisters found out it was a shapeshifter or if they thought their older brother had betrayed them, which would haunt him for the rest of his life along with the guilt of not being able to prevent it

-He'd had occasional night terrors his entire life, which got worse after Iris died and became a common occurrence after Arnica and Ivy died

-He also developed a fear of water. Swimming in it is fine but not preferable, but being completely submerged or falling into water are horrible. He dislikes being on ships and whenever he has to go on one he's guaranteed to have a bad time

-Whoever had been in charge of getting rid of him and his siblings had done an absolutely terrible job of it. They might have thought leaving Anton last would've made the job easier, but what they'd actually done is create a horrifically powerful teenager with no regards for personal safety and who now connects anyone allied with Mevolent as an immediate threat to be terminated on sight

-What's worse is that immediately after his sisters' deaths he left with no trace, meaning he could be anywhere

-He had his surge pretty early, settling on the gist. Even when he hadn't been using it, he had been vaguely aware of its existence, so he just gave up and gave in. Besides, with it he actually stood some sort of a chance of making a difference

-After leaving his hometown he decided he was going to either help people by scaring off or even killing those hurting them or die trying

-He has always hated violence, but he never really had a choice on whether to partake in it. It was either that or losing everyone and dying

-I like to think that as a teenager he didn't look anywhere near as threatening, so the way he'd make himself scarier, and also clue people in on his discipline (in hopes they'd be less likely to actually make him fight them) was by darkening his eyelids with like. Soot or something. He did the emo teenager look 400 years before it was cool

-Like he'd just make his eyelids completely black. He had to stop at some point because his eyes started to get irritated, but at that time he probably already looked a bit more threatening

-He met Saracen at age 40, and became his adoptive guardian? Brother? Saracen came from a noble family that got on the bad side of Mevolent's army and were then killed, except for Saracen who was about 10 and was saved from the same fate by Anton. Anton takes him with him because there aren't really any other options

-At first he's looking for someone to take Saracen in instead, but he quickly realizes that while being under his guardianship is dangerous, anyone else would be even more so

-Technically speaking he'd be Saracen's guardian, but they consider each other brothers

-Oh also notice how Anton's sisters were all named after flowers? And how one meaning of the name 'Anton' has to do with flowers? That's right, after Saracen taught him to read he named himself after his dead sisters. Fun fact: rue is also a flower

-Now that he once again had someone to look after, he started taking a bit better care of himself as well, to make sure he'd actually be able to take care of this recently orphaned child he'd suddenly become the guardian of

-Not that he had much of a choice, after a while of traveling together Saracen started to pick up on his unhealthy habits and proceed to annoy the hell out of him until he'd quit. Like refusing to shut up and sleep until Anton went to sleep and such

-Saracen never learned what Anton's past was like, all he knew was that he was weirdly insistant on choosing codewords that only the two of them knew and only answering the door to those who said it

-And that he hated boats, went into a panic whenever Saracen got injured yet had no care for his own wounds and sometimes cried at night when he didn't realize Saracen was still awake

-But their life wasn't all bad, they'd do all kinds of fun things together too, like going on adventures and cooking together

-And Anton was great at coming up with bedtime stories

-The reason why Anton doesn't ask about Saracen's discipline is that when Saracen was younger he saw Anton use his gist and said he wanted to do that too and Anton was just like ",,,,please just choose literally anything else, you don't have to tell me what as long as it's not a gist" and then stuck by that promise

-He probably knows what it is though. He wasn't born yesterday

-Whenever they interacted with mortals they pretended to be brothers, or half brothers if people asked about how different they looked from each other

-Because Anton ages so slowly due to the power and everpresentness of his gist that by the time Saracen was 18, Anton still just looked like a very tired and beat up 20-year old. At one point I did some calculations and decided that in my hc Anton physically ages one year every 12 years

-They end up joining the Sanctuary when Anton's in his late 70s and Saracen is in his early 40s

That's where I'm leaving it for now, this is just the first part because I have so many thoughts about him

Links to the other parts to be added:

[dickotomia]

ok i think i watched too much yellowjackets

[starrazorr]

hi i hit the craziest milestone in my novel writing journey tonight<333

[inphierno]

I feel like if my art classes were at night I’d be more productive but whatever

[heartilywrites]

my brain goes brrrrrrrr while im trying to write requests

[bpdrug-addict]

lowkey regretting trying to kms yesterday bc it did absolutely nothing and now I have way less of my meds :/ and I talked it out with my partner but that doesn't change the fact I make stupid decisions in the short term when im upset. didn't burn or cut myself yesterday which is a win tho