#my favorite eldritch radio show host

[southern-shithead]

Goodnight Night Vale, goodnight.

Long time no post! Me and my BF have been listening to Welcome to Night Vale (I got him into it), so I figured I should post the 2023 tumblr sexyman winner to his home turf. Enjoy!

[transbookoftheday]

Trans Horror Podcasts

My post about trans horror books last year was much more popular than I expected, and since I've recently fallen in love with fiction podcasts and audio dramas, I thought I'd make a post about trans horror podcasts as well.

If you like trans horror, please give these a try - especially if you enjoy listening to audiobooks!

Hello From The Hallowoods:

Come walk between the black pines! In this award-winning queer fiction podcast, an eldritch narrator follows the increasingly connected residents of the forest at the end of the world. It's a bittersweet story that explores queer identity, horror genre tropes, and finding hope in humanity's last moments.

Hello From The Hallowoods is my absolute favorite podcast! If you only listen to one podcast from this list, please make it this one - it's so beautifully written and super queer! Also: season 4 starts today!

Trans main characters include:

our nonbinary eye-affiliated podcast host

a nonbinary "Frankenstein's creature"

a transmasc ghost

a genderfluid storm witch

a trans woman who can visit other people's dreams

multiple characters using neopronouns

Camp Here & There:

Good morning, campers! Camp Here & There is a weekly horror comedy podcast tuned in to the loudspeakers of a small midwestern sleepaway camp plagued by supernatural terrors and natural disasters. Sydney Sargent, resident camp nurse, cheerfully reports on all the terror we must face with a big smile. Let’s hope there’s nothing weird about that!

Sydney is a trans man.

Dos: After You:

Things have changed. Deck has fallen in love with someone who isn't human, and leaves a hungry house behind to see him again. Will he be waiting for you? The world has changed… but what about him? Dos: After You is a queer urban fantasy/horror audiodrama available in both English & Spanish

Deck is a trans man.

Jar of Rebuke:

Follow Dr. Jared Hel's journey as he works to re-discover his forgotten past and finds his place within the small Indiana farm town of Wichton and the cryptozoological organization he works for called 'The Enclosure'. These audio journals, and other recordings, dive deep into Midwestern US cryptids and folklore while also telling a mystery about identity, queerness, neurodivergence, and community.

Jared is nonbinary.

Spirit Box Radio:

Spirit Box Radio is an award winning, horror audio drama podcast about a radio show for enthusiasts of all things arcane. Follow Sam Enfield a former postboy with no experience in the arcane arts, who finds themselves forced to take over running the show, following the disappearance of the previous host. Sam soon discovers there are more than ghosts haunting the show, and finds himself amidst a mystery which threatens everything he knows about the world beyond his tiny basement broadcast studio, and maybe even himself.

Sam is a trans man.

The Silt Verses:

Carpenter and Faulkner, two worshippers of an outlawed god, travel up the length of their deity’s great black river, searching for holy revelations amongst the reeds and the wetlands. As their pilgrimage lengthens and the river’s mysteries deepen, the two acolytes find themselves under threat from a police manhunt, but also come into conflict with the weirder gods that have flourished in these forgotten rural territories. This is a world where divine intervention takes place through prayer-markings scratched into stumping-posts, and offerings are left squirming to die in the flats of the delta. This is a world of ritual, and hidden language, and sacrifice. This is folk horror, and fantasy, and a dark road trip into the depths of unusual faith.

Faulkner is a trans man and Paige is a trans woman.

The Magnus Protocol:

The Magnus Archives 2: The Magnus Protocol is the prequel/sequel/”sidequel” to the internationally renowned Magnus Archives podcast. The Magnus Institute was an organisation dedicated to academic research into the esoteric and the paranormal, based out of Manchester, England. It burned to the ground in 1999. There were no survivors. Now, almost 25 years later, Alice and Sam, a pair of low-level civil service workers at the underfunded Office of Incident Assessment and Response, have stumbled across its legacy. A legacy that will put them in grave danger. If this intrigues you then it is our pleasure to welcome you to the Office of Incident, Assessment and Response. Make sure you pick up your badge at desk and report to your line manager before sitting down. Oh and stay away from I.T., seriously.

Alice is a trans woman.

[equalseleventhirds]

"I don't understand how I'm losing," Reigen said, his hands flying over his keyboard. It was so late now—too late, maybe—if only he'd used the same technique as with the Player Killer from the beginning, he might have stood a chance, but he hadn't seriously thought he'd lose—

"Shishou," Mob said, "why is this so important? You already have second place from Twitter."

Reigen laughed, not at all nervously, and splayed a hand across his forehead. "You don't understand, Mob. The publicity from something like this, even a rematch, would do wonders for Spirits and Such. This is about business."

(He would never admit to his pride being on the line.)

"And anyway, who is this guy? A radio host? I've been on TV, you know."

Mob carefully did not bring up what had actually happened when Reigen made his television debut.

Ritsu had no such qualms. "When they exposed you as a fraud? That was publicity too, right?"

"Hey—!"

Serizawa leaned over Reigen's shoulder to see the computer screen, careful not to spill the tea he placed on the desk. "Oh, Cecil from Welcome to Night Vale? It's been a while since I listened to that, maybe I should catch up."

Reigen stared at him. "You? What? Serizawa?"

"Ah... yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Back when I was... well, when I didn't leave my room much, the podcast was popular. I guess it gave a sense of... community? Feeling less alone, even when you are." He shrugged. "Plus, hearing another gay man in a show like that was comforting."

"He's gay? Canonically?" Why can't I be gay canonically?

"Sure, he got married in episode 100. It was very emotional."

"I nearly died in our chapter 100—"

-- -- -- -- --

Well, listeners, there's still a few hours left on the poll, but I'm now leading at 56%! I must say, I did not expect this, especially after Twitter users so clearly forgot—or perhaps never knew—about my Tumblr Sexyman Origins.

But, that's neither here nor there. I certainly am grateful, if a bit bemused, about all of this, but let us not forget that this is all a friendly competition. Unlike the annual War On Christmas—and let us all take a moment to remember our fallen allies against that terrible holiday foe—this is a battle of kindness. Love, even. The love we feel for Tumblr, for our favorite sexy men, for pressing a button on a meaningless internet poll. The love we feel, listeners, for each other.

And in the spirit of that love and friendliness, I figured I'd get to know my opponent a little better! A bit of googling, which of course you know means searching via every search engine but Google, what with the Town Council imposing the Google Search Tax and getting all Night Vale IP addresses shadowbanned, has led me to... oh my, listeners. I do not know who made this, but Reigen Arataka has the single most beautiful professional web page I have ever encountered. It's... words do not do it justice. I am tearing up. This... I could not make anything better myself.

A-hem. Listeners, now that I've wiped away the tears such beauty inspired in me, I can now see that Reigen's website advertises his business, one Spirits and Such Consulting. Well! We may be rivals in this moment, but I am overjoyed to learn that Reigen runs such an innovative and important business! I am nearly ashamed that, while my opponent works to make the world a better place, I, a mere community radio host, am winning the sexyman contest.

Nevertheless, we must respect the polls. Not respecting polls could get us in hot water with the Town Council, or with the demigods of numbers who lurk in the sharp edges of percentages. So since I can't hand my victory over to him, I think I'll do what I can as a community radio host, and promote Reigen Arataka's important business!

So if you're a spirit in need of counseling, a ghost in need of therapy, or an eldritch beast in need of a shoulder to cry on, head on over to Seasoning City and pay our good friend Reigen a visit! I'm sure he'll be pleased as anything to see you.

[hellsgreatestshow]

Verse; Friends on the other side

This is lore for my muses built with the help of @hellsgreatestgame. We have carefully worked together to build a verse around Maia, Alastor's mother. This world was carefully thought out to bring a new side to our favorites. This will break down the info for this verse and the characters in it. @hellsgreatestperformance can share any lore in this verse. This lore can not be used by anyone else without permission but there will be open characters if you are interested in. Anyone with an (*) by it is already taken.

This verse is set in the roaring 20s in New Orleans. This post will cover the characters involved:

Maia (*) - Mother of Alastor and former Slave for Theodore Pancratius. She was bought and served the man until Alastor killed Theodore setting her free. She is a young single mother whose entire world revolves around her son and being his biggest cheerleader. She is a skilled Voodoo Priestess and guide to the shadows. She is a kind but free spirited woman.

Alastor Pancratius (*) - The child of Maia and Theodore. He is the center of the verse along with his mother. A young rich socialite of his day. He came from influence and is a local celebrity hosting his radio show and acting as a philanthropist.

Niffty (*) - Maid that serves Alastor. Her past is a mystery but it's very clear she suffered and doesn't really fit in. She is a little crazy.

Lucifer Magne (*) - The youngest of 7 boys and star of the Magne family. His family is one of the Wealthiest in the world and have ties to the free masons and other powerful organizations. It is rumored his family made a deal with the devil. He ran away from all of this to move to New Orleans. He is a single father of a toddler, Charlie Magne.

Charlotte Magne - A young girl who is positive and the light of her father's world. She is the apple of her father's eye.

Carmilla Carmine - A demon that serves the Magne family. She specifically serves as Lucifer's butler of sorts.

Michael Magne - Lucifer's older twin brother. He is the opposite of Lucifer. He is the heir to the family and follows the rules no matter what.

Zestial - Another demon in service of the Magne family. He serves Michael as his personal butler.

Gabriel Magne - He is the third youngest of the family.

Velvette - A demon that serves the Magne family, specifically Gabriel.

Uriel Magne - The middle child of the Magne family.

Zeezi - A demon that serves the Magne family, specifically Uriel.

Azreal Magne - the third oldest Magne son.

Mammon - A demon that serves the Magne family, specifically Azreal.

Raphael - The oldest biological child of the Magne family. He is just a few months older than Adam but they were born the same year.

Satan - A demon that serves the Magne family, specifically Raphael.

Adam Magne - The adopted oldest child of the family. He and Raphael are considered the same age.

Eve - Adam's girlfriend and soulmate.

Emily Magne - Adam and Eve's daughter.

Sera - Eve's mother.

Lute - A demon that serves the Magne family, specifically Adam.

Charles Magne (*) - Charles in origin is shrouded in mystery. He is one of the most powerful and influential men in the world. No one fully knows how but he has managed to have 6 male heirs and adopt a son with no wife. He has a very large staff and each child had a butler assigned to them from their conception. Those sworn to protect the Magne family.

Bethesda Von Eldritch - Matriarch of the Von Eldritch family. A rival of the Magnes but also allies.

Frederick Von Eldritch - Patriarch of the Von Eldritch Family.

Helsa Von Eldritch - Daughter of Fredrick and Bethesda.

Seviathan Von Eldritch - Son of Fredrick and Bethesda.

Archibald Pentious - A young socialite of the Pentious family. His family has moved from Britain to New Orleans. He has many siblings and sees himself as Alastor's rival. Alastor does not know he exists.

Vincent Vox - An up and coming engineer and designing working to innovate the world. He is a bit of an odd man and is out to partner up with Alastor.

Stolas Goetia - A young socialite that moved to New Orleans after a very messy divorce. He was shunned back home and fled with his daughter to America. Now he has settled in the bayou.

Octavia Goetia - The young daughter of Stolas. She is around Charlie's age and often has playdates with her.

Valentino - A notorious pimp that runs a brothel in town called Vee's Loveshack

Rosie - The owner and proprietor of Auntie's Bistro. The best restaurant in the city. Everyone knows Auntie Rosie. She is often around the place making sure everyone feels at home. She knows everything going on. The hottest spot in town. Always open with rotating chefs.

Millie (*) - Sous chef at Auntie's Bistro and Moxxie's wife.

Moxxie (*) - Host at Auntie's Bistro.

Sallie May - Server at Auntie's Bistro and Millie's sister.

Vincent (*) - Head chef at Auntie's Bistro.

Susan - Dishwasher at Auntie's Bistro. An old kook Rosie took pity on. Nobody likes her.

Asmodeus (*) - Owner of Ozzie's, a cabaret that serves New Orleans. He is one of the fist black owners of a club.

Fizzarolli Buckzo (*) - Runaway circus act turned performer at Ozzie's. Asmodeus' partner and is the adopted brother of Blitzø

Vagatha (Vaggie) - Ozzie and Fizz's adopted daughter who is around Charlie's age.

Blitzo Buckzo (*) - Runaway circus act turned security guard at Ozzie's.

Loona Buckzo - Blitz's adopted daughter.

Verosika - One of the performers at Ozzie's.

Husker Wesker - A employee at Ozzie's who runs the speakeasy. He also is a gambling addict that often does odd jobs for Alastor to support his habit.

Anthony Dinozzo(*) - Former low ranking mafia member who got excommunicated. He now performs at Ozzie's.

Molly Dinozzo - Anthony's twin sister and mafia princess.

Cherri - Mafia princess and friend of Anthony Dinozzo

Beelzebub - Owner of the Cotton Candy Club, a jazz and smoking lounge that serves New Orleans. She is the daughter of a mob boss and this is her first sort of job.

Vortex - Beelzebub's boyfriend.

Mimzy (*) - A worker for the Cotton Candy Club. She is a singer and cigarette girl that works for Beelzebub.

Rose Lane (*) - Owner of Madam Faucheuse Oddities, a shoppe to gather various trinkets and special items often used in witchcraft and voodoo.

Rachael Lewis (*) - Performer at Ozzie's and animal tamer that lives in the bayou.

Note: For Lilith I have two possible ways she could play into this verse so for now she is left as open.

Honorable mentions to the pets of this verse:

Jambalaya - Jamby is a stray feral cat that is a absolute menace to everyone around him but a select few. He was saved by Maia and lives with them.

KeeKee - Charlie's black cat and best friend.

Razzle - Red nose pit bull and guard dog for Lucifer's family.

Dazzle - Blue nose pit bull and guard dog for Lucifer's family.

Abyss - Black void of a cat who will just appear when she wants, she is Ray's cat.

Bubba - Gator that Ray befriends.

Apple - Fluffy white cat that belongs to Rose. She is the most regal and majestic cat.

Fat Nuggets - Tea cup pig that Anthony looks after and taught to dance.

Many chihuahuas names after various constellations that are the pets of Ozzie and Fizz. There is one albino chihuahua who can't walked named Arty that is Fizz's favorite and goes everywhere with him.

[tlbodine]

Pandemic and Pandemonium: Sickness in Horror

Well, it’s official: Novel Coronavirus, COVID-19, has been declared a pandemic -- ie, a new and widespread infectious disease actively infecting people throughout the world. For most of us currently alive, this is the first time we’ve seen a pandemic. It’s certainly the first time any of us have seen the kind of city-wide or country-wide quarantine measures currently being employed. 

It’s an anxiety-inducing situation for sure. And people are dealing with that fear in different ways. Some folks are hoarding bottled water and toilet paper. Some folks are checking the news compulsively. Some folks are finding 20-second-long songs to sing while washing their hands. 

And some of us are looking for horror fiction that might just mirror our anxieties and give a momentary but welcome catharsis. 

Germs have existed since, well...the beginning of life as we know it. And for as long as humans have been alive, we’ve sometimes gotten sick from these microscopic invaders. It’s just a part of being alive. Everything gets sick sometimes, and humans -- who live in large complex groups and have a lot of casual contact day-by-day -- get sick a lot. 

There’s a lot to fear from widespread illness: 

Germs are invisible to the eye, so you can’t necessarily see the threat coming for you

Because infection is carried from person to person, mistrust and even hostility can grow toward people who appear ill (whether or not they really are sick)

Controlling the spread of disease often requires social isolation and can invite a loss of rights (ie, confinement)

The disease itself can have terrifying effects, from gross symptoms to death 

If enough people get sick, it can disrupt the machinery of society, causing problems with food, electricity, healthcare, law enforcement, you name it. 

Now, in real life, things don’t usually get that bad, especially in modern times when we have advanced healthcare and science and great communication. History’s greatest pandemics, from the Black Death (bubonic plague) of Europe in the 1300s to smallpox in the US in the 1700s to the worldwide Spanish Flu epidemic in the early 1900s, have been devastating -- but obviously, humanity has survived them all, and the numbers have been less terrible each time. With the power of antibiotics and vaccines and anti-virals and advanced medical interventions, we can save a lot of lives. 

But we can’t save all of them -- which is why anxiety still lingers, and why stories about pestilence remain compelling. 

The Magic of Fictional Viruses 

When it comes to fictional illness, viruses usually end up in the spotlight. Some of the nastiest diseases in history have been bacterial infections -- Bubonic Plague, syphilis, typhoid, tuberculosis. Now that we have antibiotics, these once-deadly illnesses are essentially wiped from the modern consciousness. 

But viruses are trickier. We have not yet developed a singular treatment as effective against all viruses as antibiotics are against bacteria. Instead, we rely on vaccines to immunize us against them. But vaccines are individualized, working only for the specific disease they’ve been developed to treat -- and if a new virus pops up, it takes time to craft the response against it. 

Viruses also function in ways that make them especially attuned for horror: 

They are smaller and less complex than other microorganisms, and it’s debatable if they are even, strictly speaking, alive.

Their only method of reproduction is by invading a cell and injecting it with its own genetic material; viruses cannot reproduce without a living host.

Because they reproduce quickly and rely on their host cells, viruses can swiftly mutate and change 

Some people can be carriers, able to spread the virus without ever knowing that they’re sick or showing any symptoms 

It’s little wonder then that viruses in fiction can cause all kinds of things -- zombies, werewolves, insanity, infertility, even turning your body to stone. In modern horror fiction, viruses often fulfill the role previously occupied by magical curses. 

Horror Recommendations for Disease Fiction 

With a global pandemic currently active, the CDC is recommending that people self-isolate whenever possible -- working from home, avoiding large crowds, and abstaining from touching people. So do your part to protect yourself and the vulnerable people around you by staying home and watching movies or reading a book instead. Here are some thematic lists. 

“Realistic” Contagion Stories

If you’d like to watch a tense medical thriller rooted at least partly in realism, try one of these: 

Outbreak - A california town is quarantined to stop the spread of an Ebola-like virus.

Contagion - A woman brings home a deadly virus that triggers a quarantine, complete with social upheaval and looting.

Pontypool - A radio disc jockey reports on a dire, apocalyptic pandemic while in isolation in Ontario

Containment - A TV series about a city that falls under a quarantine to prevent the spread of an Ebola-like disease; it's partly medical drama, partly commentary on social conflict

Apocalyptic Stories 

Curious about what happens after the fall of mankind? So are a lot of authors and filmmakers. 

The Last Man - Did you know Mary Shelley wrote an apocalypstic novel about a world-ending epidemic as a way to process grief about her husband's death?

The Stand - Perhaps Stephen King's greatest epic, the book details the fall of civilization as we know it and its brutal, power-struggle-fueled rebuilding in the wake of a devastating flu.

Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood conceived of a trilogy of near-future dystopia focused on genetic engineering, a plague, and the horrors of technology. Start with this one and read all three if it grips you.

I Am Legend - Richard Matheson's short novel is often adapted, but you can't beat the original. A plague novel, a zombie novel and a vampire novel all rolled into one.

It Comes At Night - A story of isolation following a deadly outbreak, and also a question of sanity and the choices people make in difficult positions. (full disclosure: I didn’t like this movie much, but it’s very well-reviewed so you might like it more) 

Weird Chaos Viruses 

I’ve talked about zombies before at great length, so I won’t recommend anymore traditional zombie tales -- just go read my other list for those recommendations! But sometimes apocalypses come by not-quite-zombies, so let’s talk about those: 

Bird Box - The novel by Josh Malerman or the film starring Sandra Bullock, take your pick. Both are about a woman trying to survive in a world torn asunder by a an eldritch evil that drives you to madness if you see it.

The Happening - One of M. Night Shyamalan's more ridiculous films, but one I can't help but guiltily enjoy. An unexplained event drives people to commit suicide (in increasingly ridiculous ways), creating a world-threatening pandemic.

The Crazies - The original 1973 film and the 2010 remake both deal with an outbreak of a bizarre illness that causes people to go, uh, crazy. In a murder way.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut, this is a classic gross-out film franchise about a flesh-eating virus that chews its way through a bunch of young campers. 

Dreamcatcher - Basically exactly the plot of Cabin Fever, except with aliens and some It cross-over cosmic horror. A decent Stephen King novel and a fun, if cringey, film, take your pick. 

Mimic - A sci-fi approach involving cockroaches, genetic engineering, and bad ideas. Did you know this was co-written and directed by Guillermo del Toro and was the first Norman Reedus movie? 

Cold Storage - A wonderfully gross debut novel by David Koepp featuring mind-controlling fungus. 

The Troop  - Nick Cutter’s gross-out novel is billed as “28 Days Later meets Lord of the Flies” which is basically everything you need to know. Monstrous tapeworms + boyscouts = bad times for all. 

The Thing - A research team encounters a terrible alien parasite in an isolated frozen wasteland. 

Historical Horror

The Black Death is one of the oldest, best-known, most-historically-significant illnesses in the Western world, so lots of people have told stories about it -- but it’s not the only epidemic in town. If you prefer your disease horror with a side of history, try one of these: 

Black Death - Not a great movie, but it has Sean Bean and Eddie Redmayne and some exceptional gore, so it gets a vote just for that. It’s not about the plague so much as it’s about witchcraft, but it fits. 

The Masque of the Red Death - One of Edgar Allan Poe’s finest stories, in my opinion. You can read this online in multiple places if you don’t have a Poe collection handy, and there’s a lot of audio and short films for it too so take your pick. 

Love in the Time of Cholera - Like it says on the tin, this is a book about life and love and a cholera epidemic. Gabriel Garcia Marquez is a masterful writer, so this is well worth picking up for the quality of prose and storytelling alone.

The Plague - Part social commentary, part plague story, this Albert Camus novel is heavy on philosophy, if you’re into that sort of thing. 

Cabin Fever and Isolation 

A lot of the stories already mentioned touch on themes of isolation, quarantine, and cabin fever, but if you’re staring down the long barrel of social distancing and want more stories about going crazy in enclosed spaces, consider adding: 

The Shining  - The Stephen King novel and the Stanley Kubrick film are both excellent in their own ways, and I recommend both. A family makes the unwise decision to stay alone in a haunted hotel through a long snowed-in winter. It ends badly. 

Devil - However bad your life is, it’s probably not as bad as being trapped in an elevator with the literal devil, which is the premise of this film. 

The Cabin at the End of the World -- You didn’t think I’d write about apocalypse scenarios without finding a chance to plug my favorite Paul Tremblay novel, did you? Part home invasion, part psychological horror, part cosmic apocalypse, 100% terrifying. 

Now, go forth and enjoy many a movie night, or curl up and treat yourself. Social distancing never felt so deliciously spooky ;) 

[kathyprior4200]

The Shadow and The Microphone

Alastor’s Shadow (Rotsala) and Alastor’s Microphone (Dave) have been a part of the Radio Demon since he arrived in Hell. Nobody except Alastor knows their actual names…and their names are ones they gave themselves. After Alastor made a deal with Kalfu and evil spirits in his human life and shortly after his death, he was granted with enough raw power to topple dominant overlords and spread terror to the denizens of Hell.

 Alastor’s shadow was born of dark Voodoo magic. He first remained in human Alastor’s subconscious as dark matter (courtesy of Kalfu’s magic and Alastor’s mother wishing for Alastor to not be alone after death)… until he was free when his owner died. After gathering some ingredients and retrieving Dr. Facilier’s spell book, Alastor painfully separated his shadow from himself. After briefly feeling vulnerable in the dark, and almost attacking Alastor, the shadow submitted to him and became his body guard and companion. He helps Alastor control the other shadow demons and acts as a second in command in battle.

 Like Dr. Facilier’s companion, Alastor’s shadow has a mind of his own and manifests as a dark apparition of Alastor’s most sinister thoughts and desires. He usually makes growling and cackling sounds (like Facilier’s shadow) but can communicate telepathically with Alastor. He frequently appears as a tall dark man with Alastor’s tuff ears, a wide grinning mouth, and glowing eyes. His eyes and mouth can change color from deep red to bright blue, to yellow and anything in between. He can switch between an Alastor form and a more sinister wendigo-like form with large fangs and a rack of antlers extending from his head. Alastor can also see through his shadow’s eyes, thus he also acts as a spy. Alastor’s shadow gains strength by eating the shadows of other demons, preventing them from moving and making it easier for Alastor to kill them.

 Alastor’s microphone staff is a living part of him. The radio voice that comes from it is actually a radio version of his human voice. It first manifested as a non-magical microphone staff decorated with golden antlers around it that human Alastor had made to show off his famed radio host status. Alastor had used a bit of magic to gather more listeners around their radios. Sadly, it was broken and burned after his death. A dark entity merged with the red vintage microphone staff created for Alastor by the dark spirits/Loa. The microphone spoke “I heard you loud and clear!” in the first episode. Like Alastor’s shadow, the microphone has a mind of its own.

 The microphone staff has a single red eye that glows when it is turned on. The microphone is what allows Alastor to broadcast his murders…the eye shines a light from the microphone. The microphone has other unique powers that could be an extension to Alastor’s many Eldritch powers of tentacles, teleportation, portals, blood magic etc. When the staff plays music mixed with static and demons stare at it too long, they can become hypnotized, eyes turning to red radio dials. Powerful radio waves can be blasted from the microphone with three taps of the staff to the ground. These waves can push demons back and blast their eardrums and brains. Alastor can swipe the staff to make things appear, as shown when he used it to make clothing appear on Vaggie. When Alastor goes full demon/wendigo form, the staff is used to mimic voices, sounds, and music to lure victims in (like Siren Head). But the microphone’s main purpose is to assist Alastor in his broadcasting.

 Without those two beings, Alastor would’ve had more of a challenge taking over areas of Hell…and it’d be far less entertaining!

Chapter One: That’s Entertainment

 “Well ladies and gentleman, Happy New Year and happy survival to all the lucky ones out there! The twenty four hours of the Extermination have passed and man, was it quite the show! The princess is shooting fireworks from the balcony as we speak, which means it’s safe to head out and try to claim new territory. Though if any of you sinners go near my radio towers, you’ll wish that the Exterminators had ended you right then and there. I hope you enjoyed this long and lovely broadcast. Until next time! Stay tuned.”

 Alastor’s microphone soon blinked off from its glowing red state. The microphone let out a low mechanical groan of relief. Sure it was the microphone’s job to allow Alastor to broadcast massacres and music whenever he wanted, but even a device needed proper rest after a while. The microphone closed its single red eye and faded to sleep.

 Alastor had spent the majority of the time broadcasting from within his lair, located underneath Hell and in the realm of shadow spirits. It had gotten the nickname “Deer Den,” by other sinners, though he liked the name as well. Soon though, he quietly arrived to the surface via portal to enjoy the finale of the screams, shrieks, and slaughters of the Exterminators cutting down demon after demon. Turning around from the wall-length glass window he glanced back toward a darkened corner of the studio.

 “It’s alright, you can come out now,” he said in a radio voice.

 A brief slither of movement in the dark space.

 “Come on,” he coaxed. “No Exterminators, nor angelic spears to hurt us.”

 Ever so quietly, the darkness inched forward to reveal a head poking out from within the wall. Out emerged Alastor’s shadow. He stood the same height as Alastor and had the same fluffy deer ear tufts and tattered dress coat that he wore. He even had a deer tail and antlers branching out from his head. The antlers shrank back as he opened his blue mouth an inch. There was a row of sharp dark teeth, and his eyes glowed blue. A chittering sound mixed with static emitted from the shadow as his eyes looked around for any sign of danger. There was only his owner standing in front of him.

 “Good,” said Alastor as he looked at him. “Come along, we have work to do.”

 The shadow obliged and pooled into the floor out of sight as he followed Alastor out the door.

 As Alastor was walking, the shadow briefly floated up into the air, surveying the scene. There were bloodied bodies everywhere. Many of them had weapons pierced through their skulls or spilled organs. Alastor may have been a little hungry, but he was humming happily along the street instead, keeping an eye out for any useful angelic spears. He found one and happily plucked it from a horned demon corpse. The spear vanished in his hand, reappearing back in his lair.

 Alastor ignored the brief pangs of hunger from his stomach. Just the smell of blood and decaying flesh in the air was beginning to make the demon’s mouth water a little as he hummed.

 His shadow, on the other hand…

 The sound of crunching came from behind the Radio Demon. Alastor’s ears flicked before he turned around. He cleared his throat and glared.

 The shadow was on his knees in front of a dead demon, his mouth chewing on flesh and muscle like a starved wolf. He saw Alastor and froze, a piece of flesh falling from his mouth. It looked like a child being caught in the act of stealing a snack.

 “What do you think you’re doing? You’re supposed to be looking for spears and watching my back.”

 The shadow let out a deer bleat mixed with static. His voice sounded like snippets of different voices together.

 “But I’m hungry!”

 “There are more important things to focus on, dear fellow,” he said. “You’d be wise to learn some self-restraint.”

 Reluctantly, the shadow wiped his mouth and hovered closer to Alastor.

 “That’s better, now let’s be off.”

They soon arrived at one of the looming radio towers. The top of it had a blinking yellow eye that always peered in every direction like an all-seeing eye. It was constantly humming and retaining energy that lurked within the metal beams. There was a nearby cabin that served as one of many studios that Alastor had made for himself. It reminded him of his family’s summer cabin back when he was alive.

 “Go make your round,” Alastor ordered. The shadow flew into the air, searching above and below for any intruders. There were no signs of any demon trying to cross the boarders or break in. After a few minutes, he returned by his owner’s side and chittered in affirmation.

 With the areas clear and safe, Alastor made his way further into Pentagram city, his shadow vanishing again.

 With his shoes clacking against the pavement, Alastor walked over behind a flaming blue deer overlord and Crymini, the Hellhound. Charlie was on TV, talking about her plan to open up a hotel to rehabilitate sinners.

 Alastor stood behind two hellhound twins wearing crop tops and a hanging jester. Next to him was a poster that showed him in his demon form terrorizing the circus, demons trapped within flames inside the tent. His army of voodoo horned imps carrying knives and skulls on pikes surrounded the tortured sinners. The words were bold and full of warning: “BEWARE HIM!” “DO NOT FUCK WITH HIM!” In tiny letters off to the side on the wall read: “for a good time: 666-373-9494.”

 Alastor tilted his head to the side in curiosity. His shadow appeared off to his right, morphing into a snarling wendigo deer-like creature. He couldn’t help but tap his foot and hum along as she sang.

 The shadow stared in curiosity as well, his mouth open in hunger. He was anxious to witness Alastor mess with other demons again. He just hoped that if he happened to kill some that he’d get a good share of the meat. Sharing Alastor’s love of singing and music, the shadow swayed his body from side to side, even trying to sing along.

 After Charlie had finished singing, Alastor laughed out loud. That was quite the performance he had seen! He particularly enjoyed Charlie’s demon transformation and her conjuring of fire for the special effects. And he had to admit that she was a good singer too, despite her ridiculous idea.

 But his favorite part came up next.

 In the blaring red lights, Charlie and Katie fought each other on the desk. Katie was in her insect demon form, crawling on her hands and limbs. She briefly held Charlie down, who dodged and then leapt at Katie, knocking both of them off the table.

 “She’s pretty and has a feisty spirit,” Alastor thought.

 “Why won’t anyone help me?” Tom Trench yelled as flames rose from his body.

 “You’re on fire, Tom Trench!” Alastor exclaimed, while laughing at his own joke.

  Befriending the princess, and doing something different seemed like a good idea. He glanced over at a faraway Happy Hotel building.

 He knew where he would go next. His shadow vanished again.

  After following the white limbo to the hotel in his car, he got out and made his way up to the double stained glass doors with the apple designs on them. Upon further inspection of the hotel, he noticed it was a unique design if not a bit under wear and tear. From the Titanic-like ship off to the side to the hanging carousel that made up a balcony…and perhaps his favorite part, the circus tent overhang in the front decorated with eye designs.

 He had never actually met Charlie before but he heard that she was powerful and different among the demons. For one, she was born in Hell, and two, she was the daughter of Lucifer and Lilith, king and queen of Hell.

 He would have to tread carefully around members of the royal family. Though he thought of them as amusing, he knew how powerful they were.

 Sweat formed on his forehead and he found himself glancing around.

  Why was he suddenly…nervous?

 Somebody like him couldn’t afford to let any sign of weakness show. Of course He wanted to make a good first impression, plus he was sort of curious as to why she would pursue this rehabilitation idea. His nervousness faded away when he imagined Charlie as naïve. Maybe he could easily trick her and not have to be caught by anyone?

 The best thing he could do for the moment was be polite and offer to help. As any good charmer and manipulator knew, first impressions and the process were everything…

 And a nice big smile was the crème de la crème.

  Puffing out his chest, he knocked on the door.

 It was a very slow “Shave and a Haircut knock.”

  The knocking from outside interrupted Charlie’s thoughts. She opened her eyes.

  An ice cold feeling of dread spread through her veins. No other demon would ever do that kind of knock.

 Unless…

 She tentatively reached out her hand to the door handle, and quickly pulled it open.

 Sure enough, the most feared demon in Hell was standing right outside her door. A couple of shadow spirits poked their heads through.

 Charlie’s face morphed into sheer terror, eyes wide as saucers.

 Yes, there she was, right in front of him. Alastor opened his eyes as they glowed red, a radio sound emitting from him.  His staff turned on with a red glow. His eyes dilated playfully as he raised a finger in greeting.

 “Hell…”

 The door abruptly slammed shut.

 Brief silence.

 Charlie opened it again…

 “…oooo!”

 Slammed it again.

 Alastor could hear Charlie’s muffled voice from inside.

 “Hey Vaggie!”

 “What?”

 “The Radio Demon is at the door!”

 “What?!”

 “Who?” asked Angel.

 “What should I do?!” Charlie asked.

 “Well, don’t let him in!” Vaggie said.

  A growl formed in Alastor’s throat.

 He stood there, shocked in front of the stained glass door, smile still plastered on his face, hand and curved claw in the air.

 “Well… that was…rude,” he thought. “Usually people are too sacred to answer when I come by. Or they rush to try and please me because they know I could slaughter them at any time. I’ll just wait here then…or maybe break this door down…”

 He had been turned down not once but twice by her! If she had been an average demon, she would’ve been a bloody heap on the floor. The princess should know better than to reject anyone like that, especially a prideful demon like himself.

 Any offense to his pride would not go unnoticed.

 Charlie opened the door again.

 “May I speak now?” Alastor asked, hiding his anger.

 “You may,” said Charlie.

 Alastor held out his right hand to her, which briefly glowed. He half expected her to reach out and shake it right away…which would’ve proven her naïve nature…but instead she just stood there.

  “Alastor, pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart, quite a pleasure.”

 He eagerly grabbed her wrist and leaned his face close to hers before strutting inside. Charlie stood, dumbfounded, her hand still out.

 “Excuse my sudden visit,” he went on, “but I saw your fiasco on a picture show and I just couldn’t resist. What a performance!”

 Audience cheers came from his staff as he turned around.

  “Why I haven’t been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929!”

 He bobbed his head side to side and burst into laughter. He glanced back at Charlie who was by the door. “So many orphans!”

 A sharp spear was suddenly pointed at him. He froze in fear, his smile still on his face.

 “Stop right there!” It was Vaggie.

 She swore in Spanish under her breath: “Carbon hijo de perra! (Idiotic son of a bitch!) I know your game. And I’m not gonna let you hurt anyone here, you pompous, cheesy, talk show shitlord!”

 Alastor’s eyes narrowed and glowed. He made a low noise of warning.

 “You have a lot of nerve to stand up to me like that, girl,” he thought. “You don’t know anything about me, and you certainly aren’t going to stand in my way.”

 Alastor merely laughed slightly and nudged the weapon away with his fingers. Charli and Vaggie were in front of him.

 “Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here…”

 He added in a low creepy tone, “I would have done so already.”

 His red eyes briefly turned to red radio dials and radio static filled the room. He tilted his head slightly, letting his chaotic magic roam. Vaggie and Charlie were frozen in fear as they caught glimpses of red Voodoo symbols, static, and warped reality.

 Then just as quickly, the noise and magic ceased and Alastor shook his head, eyes back to full red. For a brief moment, they had been small red pupils inside black sockets.

 “That scare should teach them to remember their place,” he thought.

 He bowed. “No, I’m here because I want to help!”

 Charlie was sure she hadn’t heard him right.

 “Say what now?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

 “Help!” he responded with another laugh, leaning in close before moving back.

 He held up his microphone staff.

  “Hello?” he asked with a laugh. “Is this thing on? Testing, testing…”

 He tapped it and a glowing red eye appeared in the center. “Well, I heard you loud and clear!” the microphone responded, eye shaking in fear.

 The microphone didn’t take kindly to be shaken out of its stupor.

 “Um…you want to help?” Charlie asked.

 Alastor appeared behind the demon girls, hands on their backs, switching from a shadow to his regular self. Both Vaggie and Charlie flinched.

 “With…” he mentioned in an imitation of Charlie’s voice,

“…this ridiculous thing you’re trying to do!” finishing in his normal voice. “This hotel!”

 Charlie could hear the call bell ding twice on the table, even though no one was there to ring it.

 “I want to help you run it.”

 “Uh…why?” Charlie asked, confused.

 Alastor laughed again. “Why does anyone do anything? Sheer absolute boredom! I’ve lacked inspiration for decades!”

 He placed his elbow on an annoyed Vaggie’s head.

 “My work became mundane...lacking focus…”

 He then shoved Vaggie aside. She was clearly an inferior little doll he could push around.

 “…aimless!” he continued. “I’ve come to crave a new form of entertainment!”

 He laughed again.

Charlie looked downcast. “Does getting into a fist fight with a reporter count as entertainment?”

 Alastor laughed again.

 “It’s the purest kind, my dear! Reality! True passion! After all, the world is a stage! And the stage is a world of entertainment!”

 Charlie brightened a bit. “So, does this mean that you think it’s possible to rehabilitate a demon?”

Alastor help up a hand and laughed. “Of course not. That’s wacky nonsense! Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! Nononono, I don’t think there’s anything left that could save such loathsome sinners!”

 He glanced at Vaggie and Angel Dust sitting on the sofa, mischief in his eyes. They would be fun to mess with.

  “The chance given to them was the life they lived before; the punishment is this!”

  He spread out his arms, turning away. “There is no undoing what is done!”

 His eyes glowed red, pupils constricted. There really was no way to change the past. All the sinners were destined to suffer in a matrix of pleasure, illusion, and the threat of a second death. For Alastor, every demon was a lost cause…and paradoxically, that also included him.

 He had dealt with authority figures before in his previous life…those racist religious folk who believed that God and the elite had complete control over his fate and the fate of everyone else. Now here it was again, in the form of God, the angels, Vox, Lucifer pretty much anybody he hated. It wasn’t his fault he killed and ate all his victims.  If certain people hadn’t pushed him over the edge…

 He glanced over when he heard Charlie’s voice.

 “So then, why do you want to help me if you don’t believe in my cause?” Charlie asked.

 Alastor smirked and looked at Charlie over his shoulder. “Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself!”

 He pulled her close to him with his arm and twirled her around in a quick dance. Charlie narrowed his eyes at him and gave him a look. He ignored her. “I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment! Only to repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure.”

 Off to the side, his shadow appeared and cackled.

 Alastor’s eyes glowed red and his left eyebrow raised slightly. Just the thought of having the fates and lives of demons in his hands was enough to get him excited…or perhaps even aroused.

 “Right…” Charlie began, slowly removing his clawed hand from her shoulder. Alastor’s hand flinched at the sudden touch.

 Alastor chuckled and took her aside for a walk. “Yes indeedy! I see big things coming your way, and who better to help than I.”

 He impressed her further with some charm and making his staff appear in his hand.

  Vaggie walked up to Charlie and pulled her aside.

 “Charlie, listen to me. You just can’t believe this creep! He isn’t just a happy face! He’s a dealmaker, pure evil! He can’t be redeemed! And is most likely looking for a way to destroy everything we’re trying to do.”

 Alastor drummed his fingers against his palm, listening in on their conversation with a grin.

 “I…” Charlie began. “…we don’t know that. Look…I know he’s bad, and I know he probably doesn’t wanna change, but the whole point of this is to give people a chance! To have faith things will be better! How can I turn someone away? I can’t. It goes against everything I’m trying to do. Everything I believe in.”

 Alastor stared in fascination at a family picture on the wall. It showed Lucifer dressed in white, Lilith in a dark purple dress, and Charlie as a little girl wearing a brown and white dress in the middle. The picture border consisted of branches and yellow eyeballs and a dried rose in the upper right hand corner.

 “Such a lovely portrait! A picture of perfection! It’d be such a shame if something awful were to happen to them…”

 “Just trust me,” Charlie added placing comforting hands on her girlfriend’s shoulders, “I can take care of myself.”

 Charlie,” warned Vaggie, “Whatever you do, do not make a deal with him!”

 From a distance, Alastor opened up the palm of one hand, claws curled inward, hand glowing. From his viewpoint it looked like he was grabbing onto both girls. They glanced in his direction, worry on their faces.

 “I’ll have these two in the palm of my hand…”

 “Don’t worry, Charlie replied to Vaggie. “I picked up one thing from my Dad…” she spoke in a manly voice, “Ya don’t take shit from other demons!”

 Gathering her courage, Charlie marched over to the Radio Demon.

  “Ok, so…Al. You’re sketchy as fuck, and you clearly see what I’m trying to do here is a joke. But I don’t.”

 Charlie turned away. She was so close and so vulnerable. It took all of the shadow’s restraint not to lunge at Charlie and sink his teeth into her.

 Red Voodoo symbols floated around Alastor as his eyes glowed.

 “If you could stay turned around so I can knock you out…” he thought.

Charlie narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously and the symbols vanished.

 “So close,” he thought in frustration as she turned around to face him.

  Charlie continued. “I think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be better. So, I’m taking your offer to help. On the condition that there be no tricks or voodoo strings attached.”

 Alastor twirled his cane and held out his hand. “So it’s a deal then?”

 Flashes of eerie green light surrounded him, electricity snaking up the walls. The shadow’s eyes turned green, his smile growing wider.

 “Nope!” Charlie yelled, holding out her hands. The energy stopped. “No shaking! No deals!”

 Alastor’s eyes constricted, and the shadow moped in the distance out of sight. “She rejected my deal,” he thought. “This will be more challenging than I expected.”

 He walked forward a step.

 Charlie continued.  “As princess of Hell, and heir to the throne, I uh, hereby order that you help with this hotel, for a long as you desire.”

 The shadow and the microphone hid in laughter. Her request was so vague, it left room for so many loopholes. That meant that Alastor could leave and betray the hotel whenever he saw fit.

 A moment of pause…Alastor brushed his hair back.

 “Sound fair?” she asked.

  “Hmm. Fair enough. Cool beans.” Alastor shrugged, walking on and making his cane disappear. Charlie breathed a sigh of relief and even did a thumbs up.

 Alastor stopped and spotted Vaggie off to the side. How pathetic she was, frowning like that. He smirked in a way outside observers would describe as lecherous. He tickled her under her chin with a finger.

 “Smile, my dear! You know you’re never fully dressed without one!”

 Alastor hummed happily on his way, while Vaggie growled in disgust and rage.

 “So…where is your hotel staff?” Alastor asked.

 “Uh, well…” Charlie began. Alastor peered at Vaggie through his monocle. “Oh ho ho ho, you’re going to need more than that.”

 He walked over towards Angel.

 “And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?”

 Angel grinned. “I can suck your dick!”

 Alastor could almost scream in disgust after hearing that.

 “Ha! No.” Alastor deadpanned.

 “Your loss,” Angel said with a slight laugh. Alastor summoned his cane.

“Well, this just won’t do!” Alastor exclaimed. “I suppose I can cash in a few favors to liven things up!”

 The spell came easily in his mind: “dife sèvitè, reveye.”

  He snapped his fingers and a fire sparked to life in a small circular fireplace. Animal skeletons decorated either side of the wall. The wall and fireplace were repaired.

 A dark figure plopped down onto the chimney floor.

 Alastor walked over and picked up the creature with his hand. A large single yellow eye was revealed. Angel, Vaggie, and Charlie peered at the creature. In a puff of smoke and a squeak, the creature revealed herself. A cute cyclops girl was wearing a pink dress with a poodle on the front, her short wide hair dark magenta with a streak of yellow.

 “This little darling is Niffty!” Alastor introduced, before dropping her. She landed on her feet. She was an adorable little thing.

“Hi! I’m Niffty!” she greeted with a wave. “It’s nice to meet you! It’s been a while since I’ve made new friends!” She laughed slightly and her pupil grew smaller, darting in circles.

 “Why are you all women?” she asked. “Have any men here?! I’m sorry, that’s rude.” She missed the fact that Angel was male, for obvious reasons.

 She briefly picked up Charlie, while Vaggie held her spear defensively at her.

 “Oh man, this place is filthy!” she exclaimed, running around and lifting up couch cushions. “It really needs a lady’s touch, which is weird, because you’re all ladies, no offence.” She chewed on a black spider she found, then rushed toward some stained glass windows.

 She darted around, using a dust ruffle to clean them. “Oh my gosh, this is awful! No, no, no…Nope!”

 She raced around, removing cobwebs, then poking at a piece of a voodoo doll. Well, it was actually a live blue beetle doll that Alastor had stabbed with a clothing pin for Niffty to play with. Alastor looked amused, while the others stared in disbelief.

 “So fortunate of me to have met her in Hell. A former chimney sweeper in the 20th century. Heard she died from too much smoke. Services are still good! Though, I didn’t give her much of an option to begin with…” he thought.

   Meanwhile, at a casino, a cat demon placed a joker, an ace, a 2, and a fourth card down on the table. He had black and white fur, wore a black top hat and had red wings with card suits decorated on them. He also had long red eyebrows and wore a red bow tie.

 “Ha!” he declared in triumph. “Read ‘em and weep, boys!”

 He suddenly felt himself being forcefully pulled out of the room through space and time.

  “Full…whoa!”

 “Transpòte ganbadeur la.”

 He ducked as a curtain of red energy surrounded the existing space. Voodoo symbols flashed in the background along with eight yellow eyes, a creepy voodoo skull and a purple skeleton of a worm-like creature. Another voodoo skull with horns appeared for a moment not too far from tan ghost-like spirits with creepy faces and a row of jagged teeth.

 The cat demon figured he must have had too much booze to drink.

 “…the hell?”

 As the images faded, he soon found himself at the hotel bar, not in the previous room at the casino. A large “Come and play Blackjack” sign took up much of the wall behind him. Most peculiar, the gray wood walls were missing halfway up, replaced by the red themed décor of the hotel. Husk was sitting in a portion of the casino he was in. It felt like he was in a house with no roof surrounded by the outside world.

 “What the fuck is this?”

 He saw Alastor and pointed an accusing claw.

 “You.”

 “Ah, Husker, my good friend!” Alastor cheerfully greeted. “Glad you could make it!”

 Husk could have at least been polite for once, but Alastor decided to let it slide.

 Alastor’s head briefly had the appearance of large antlers sticking out from either side. When he moved it, it was revealed to be an antler skull with glowing green eyes hanging in the background. Snakes were wrapped around one of the white curtains supporting a bar stand. “Big Booze,” “Welcome” and “Big Soul” signs were placed overhead on the stand. Neon green card suits consisted of the designs at the bottom of the stand.

 “Don’t you “Husker” me, you son of a bitch!” Husk spat, and swiped Alastor’s hand aside from his shoulder. “I was about to win the whole damn pot!”

Husk stared in anger as the stacks of money and chips on the table vanished in static.

 “Good to see you too!” added Alastor.

 Husk face palmed. “What the hell do you want with me this time?”

 Alastor grabbed hold of him, startling him so much that cards fell from his hands.

 “My friend, I am doing some charity work, so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services! I hope that’s okay.”

 Husk was taken aback. “Are you shittin’ me?!”

 “No, I don’t think so,” Alastor replied. He casually brushed off his sleeves.

 Husk shoved the Radio Demon off him. “You thought it would be some kind of big fuckin’ riot just to pull me outta nowhere? You think I’m some kinda fuckin’ clown?”

 “Maybe.”

 Audience laughter emitted from the microphone.

 “I ain’t doin’ no fuckin’ charity job,” Husk protested.

 Alastor appeared next to him, startling the cat demon. “Well I figured you would be the perfect face to man the front desk of this fine establishment.”

 He pointed toward the bar stand with the staff. The sound of audience clapping came from his radio staff.

 “With your charming smile and welcoming energy…”

 Alastor spread the corners of Husk’s mouth upward into a demonic smile of yellow teeth. Husk frowned seconds after he let go.

 “…this job was made for you!”

 Alastor strutted over toward the bar stand, the soles of his shoes revealing red hoof prints as he walked.

 “Don’t worry, my friend,” Alastor continued, “I can make this more welcoming…if you wish.”

 With a curve of his fingers, a green bottle of cheap booze appeared on the counter.

 Husk stared with wide eyes, suddenly very thirsty. He swore he could hear the sound of a slot machine.

 “What, you think you can buy me with a wink and some cheap booze?!” He took the bottle on anger. “Well you can!”

 He immediately guzzled it down and walked away.

 “Too easy,” thought Alastor.

 By this time, Charlie, Vaggie and Angel Dust had arrived to see what the commotion was about. Vaggie rushed toward the bar, furious.

 “Hey, hey, hey, hey!” yelled the moth demon. “No, no bar, no alcohol. This is supposed to be a place that discourages sin! Not some kind of…mouth, brothel, man-cave…”

 Angel lunged himself into her, knocking her to the floor.

 “Shut up! Shut! Up! We are keeping this.” He pointed at Husk with multiple gloved hands.

  He slid up to Husk. “Hey,” he said in a flirtatious voice.

“Go fuck yourself,” Husk deadpanned, drinking his booze.

 “Only if you watch me,” Angel retorted.

 To make matters worse for Husk, Charlie leaned in close to him, excitement and red stars in her eyes.

 “Oh my gosh! Welcome to the Happy Hotel! You are going to love it here!”

 “I lost the ability to love years ago,” Husk replied, gulping down more booze.

Alastor walked in, an ever-present grin on his face.

 “So, what do you think?”

 Charlie ran over to him. “This is amazing!” she beamed.

 Alastor’s eyes blinked rapidly at the sweet sight of Charlie rubbing her cheeks and smiling at him. He could watch it all day.

 “It’s okay,” Vaggie said from nearby, arms crossed.

 Alastor laughed and pulled the two girls close to him. “This is going to be very entertaining!”

 He shoved Vaggie again and his laughter mixed with the sound of an old radio.

 Alastor conjured fire in his hand…Charlie stared in wonder at the flames and the voodoo symbols. He threw the flames in the air, distracting Charlie from him shoving aside her friend hard. Alastor then changed his attire with magic. He now wore a fancy red suit with a white undershirt and a black bow tie. A red top hat appeared on his head, complete with small spikes along the black band and two needles sticking out from the top. He twirled Charlie around in a dance, the princess looking stunned. Pointing his finger over her head, he transformed Charlie’s outfit. Her blonde hair was now short and wavy. She wore an elegant black and red dress, black gloves, a pink hat with a small black bow and black heels. She looked like a dapper lady from the early 20th century.

 Charlie stared at her conjured clothing in amazement.

Vaggie was on the floor, fuming.

 Alastor began to sing as he danced with Charlie, a new spring in his steps.

 “You have a dream

 You wish to tell

 He turned to the fuming Vaggie on the floor, letting her know that he thought Charlie’s idea was silly.

 “and it’s so laughable…”

 He turned back to Charlie.

 “But hey kid, what the hell!”

 Alastor picked Charlie up and threw her into the air. She yelped in delight and landed gracefully next to him. Two glowing apples and a skull with deer horns flashed in the background.

 Reality had been altered to the Radio Demon’s liking. The entire room was lit in psychedelic colors. Voodoo symbols and shapes were etched in every nook and cranny, including a pair of pink claws reaching for the door. Alastor and Charlie waltzed in the spotlight as electro swing music began to play in the distance. The all-encompassing noise, though, was the signature radio-static sound.

 Charlie found herself sliding down one of the apple-etched railings, Alastor leading the way. They landed on the lower floor as Alastor continued his reprise.

 “Cause you’re one of a kind

A charming demon belle!”

 Deer statues and painted antlers were everywhere.

 Back at the bar stand, Husk sat looking bored. Vaggie hissed at Angel grabbing onto her shoulder, while Niffty stared in wonder. Alastor snapped his fingers and their outfits changed as well.

 Angel was wearing a neon pink suit, Husk a pink bow tie, Vaggie a dark dress, with her hair now smooth and long, and finally Niffty, with a cute top hat with small flowers.

 “Now let’s give these burning fools a place to dwell

(Take it, boys!)”

 Alastor snapped his fingers once more and shadowy imps rose to life from a hole in the ground. The happy spirits played a trumpet, a tuba, and a drum set. Charlie snapped her fingers to the beat, while Vaggie watched with worry. She reached out to her friend but was pulled away by Alastor. He enveloped the group into a tight hug with a laugh, followed by glowing images of dark spirits staring at them. Niffty watched in amazement, but not the other three.

 “Inside of every demon is a lost cause…”

Alastor pulled Husk and Angel close again. He rubbed Angel’s head with a white hat and went on his merry way. Husk gave him the bird as he left.

 “But we’ll dress ‘em up now with just a smile!”

(With a smile!)

  Vaggie stood, annoyed in the spotlight. Using his cane, Alastor added a feathered peacock hat and a white fox fur to her outfit. She looked ridiculous. Then out of nowhere, he slapped her butt.

 Vaggie seethed in rage after he walked away.

 Alastor danced some more, kicking a horned skull to the side. In the background, Niffy happily swept up the bits of bone.

 “And we’ll chlorinate this cesspool

With some old redemption flair

And show these simpletons some proper class and style!

(What’s in style? Oh!)”

 He made his way to the circular fireplace, where he waved his staff. Shadows arrived to join the party, including his own shadow, with large antlers and fangs.  The shadow grabbed onto his shoulders and grinned, his mouth and eyes blue. Alastor made him disappear in a poof, then snuck toward Charlie. He led her in an upbeat dance, spinning her around, helping her match her steps to his. Charlie blushed when Alastor toyed with her cheeks. As Charlie was led away, Vaggie stood in the background, horrified and disgusted. What was happening to her friend?

 Charlie and Alastor laughed as they danced, the princess locked in a happy trance. Alastor was in his element, his pupils dilated, a joyful demeanor.

 Maybe this could turn into something more? Could it even be…love?

 “Here below the ground

I’m sure you’re plan is sound!

They’ll spend a little time

Down at this Hazbin Ho…”

  Alastor was about to finish his song, when an explosion burst apart a window behind him. He stood frozen, pupils constricting, his body going alert.

 Whatever, or whomever had interrupted his song was going to pay dearly.

 Niffty stared in amazement, shouting “Whoo!” before she was blasted backwards, the door hitting her in the face.

 Alastor’s spell soon wore off and everyone was back in their regular clothes. Alastor, Husk (still drinking), Niffty, Charlie, Angel, and Vaggie, peered out of the hole to see what was going on. Vaggie had her weapon at the ready.

 Looking skyward, the group saw a cracked blimp in the air. It had a small random band aid with a sad face on it along the rim. A familiar snake villain popped out of his hideout.

 “Ha!” Sir Pentious laughed. “Well, well, well, look who it is harboring the striped freak! We meet again, Alastor!”

 Apparently, he was also rivals with Alastor.

 But Alastor simply asked, “Do I know you?”

 The snake boss looked disappointed. Then he said in anger, “Oh yes you do! And this time, I have the element of…surprise!”

 The villain raced toward his pink velvet chair and pulled a lever. A metallic cannon lowered to the ground. The cannon fired up with pink energy as pink smoke appeared around them.

 “He laughed manically. “I’m so evil!”

 Then he added, “I have an Egg army!”

 “Well, we have an Alastor,” Charlie responded.

 Alastor snapped his fingers, red tendrils of smoke rising from his hand. The weapon froze in mid fire and a fiery portal opened up below the blimp.

 A horde of black tendrils rose from the hole, latching onto the ship. One tentacle ripped off the cannon and threw it into another smaller portal, causing it to explode in pink smoke. One of the tentacles had already smashed a hole in the large round window.

 Sir Pentious looked on in shock as his Egg Bois slammed against the wall (one of them read #Ouch.) One of the eggs cracked open, spilling out yellowish brains and small organs among the stains of yok. Sir Pentious and another minion were thrown against the wall.

 “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” he screamed before he was slammed against the ceiling by a black limb.

 “Oh, that hurt!” he cried.

 Sir Pentious screamed as he was dragged along the floor and lifted up slightly. He was held in place, surrounded by the wrapped up tendril. At once, the tendril shrunk and squeezed the helpless snake. The Egg Bois ran around screaming as black cracks appeared on the floor and walls.

 From the outside, more black tendrils were closing in. Red voodoo symbols appeared around the blimp.

 “Ede m 'sèrviteur.”

 Four horned shadowy spirits with red auras floated around, wearing toothy grins.

 The tendrils were now wrapped around the entire blimp, holding it in place like thick black vines.

 Red radio waves filled Alastor’s eyes as he circled his fingers and worked is magic. Voodoo symbols appeared all around him as he altered the state of reality. Radio static consumed the air.

 The vines thickened and completely enclosed the blimp. The spirits swooped around it in excitement, with echoing shrieks. The aura around the tendrils glowed a fiery yellow, the same color as the portal rim.

 “Kalfu! Destriksyon pa bra nwa.”

 Alastor closed his four-fingered hand which began to glow. A red drop of blood fell from his glowing hand. The tendrils proceeded to crush the blimp. Pink rays of light shot from the center and the blimp exploded in a loud BOOM!

 Pink smoke spread everywhere as the spirits sped away. The tendrils broke into severed bloody pieces that rained down to the ground. Alastor smiled victoriously, while behind them, the group of five stared in utter terror and shock. (Save for Niffty who had a small smile on her face).

 Alastor’s angry, bloodlust eyes spoke volumes.

 “And stay out of this hotel and from my friends you pathetic excuse of snakeskin.”

 A sharp pain throbbed on his hand and bags appeared under his eyes. Magic had taken some work from him…and it also made him hungry.

 “Well, I’m starved!” Alastor exclaimed, turning around to face the group, happy again. “Who wants some jambalaya?” He spread his arms out. “My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for jambalaya! In fact, it nearly killed her!”

 He laughed as he led the way back to the hotel. The others followed.

 “You could say the kick was right out of Hell!”

 He added while laughing at his own joke, “Oh, I’m on a roll!”

 From up above, the hotel looked like a mashed-up haunted house. An old dark train was perched on a balcony, with some monstrous faces carved in. A ship, reminiscent of the Titanic, was leaning upwards against the building as part of the structure. An old carousel served as part of the upper balcony and windows. Skull designs decorated the small windows in a row. Finally, on top of a giant yellow eye, was the sign “Happy Hotel” supported by pillars of worn wood.  

Alastor continued, “Yes, sir, this is the start of some real changes down here! The game is set! Now…”

 He glanced up and pointed his finger toward the sign. Pink electricity shot out and made contact with the sign.

 The sign now read “Hazbin Hotel.”

 “Stay tuned,” he finished with a low sinister laugh.

[smallmediumproblems]

Big List of Podcast Recs

I felt a need to share. I’m going to skip over Penumbra and all the Nightvale Presents shows simply because I feel like everyone has either heard of or tried them at this point. I’m also going to assume that if you’re near my blog you listen to the Magnus Archives and at least one other Rusty Quill podcast, so, if you don’t, do that. Do that right now. Tags used as follows: Completed (💯), Is it gay (🌈)

I put the full descriptions under a cut so it doesn’t clog your dash but here’s the short list:

Note: These are mostly in alphabetic order except for Wolf 359, which is at the top because it is one of my all-time favorites. As much as I love all the other podcasts on this list, I would recommend it over any one of them.

Wolf 359 (💯,🌈) - Sci-fi, comedy, mystery elements

The Alexandria Archives - Mild horror, comedy, fantasy

Archive 81 (���) - Horror, sci-fi/fantasy, adventure and some dark comedy

Ars Paradoxica (💯,🌈) - Sci-fi, comedy, political thriller, drama

Arden (💯) - Comedy, “true” crime mystery

Blackwood (💯) - Mystery, mild horror

The Bridge (🌈I think, don’t exactly remember) - Horror, mystery, light comedy

The Bright Sessions (💯,🌈) - Sci-fi, drama, occasional suspense

Congeria (💯) - Thriller, mystery

Death by Dying (💯) - Dark comedy, fantasy, mystery

Girl in Space - Sci-fi, comedy, drama

LifeAfter (💯) - Sci-fi, mystery, drama

The Message (💯) - Sci-fi, mystery

Midnight Marinara - Horror

Our Fair City (💯) - Sci-fi, comedy, drama, horror elements

The White Vault (💯) - Horror, found audio

Wooden Overcoats (🌈) - Comedy, drama, more comedy, seriously this show is really funny

Wolf 359 (💯,🌈) - Sci-fi, comedy, mystery elements

In the deepest reaches of space, research ship Hephaestus is staffed by a hapless communications officer, his uptight boss, a computer program with a chip on her shoulder, and a doctor with the worst bedside manner possible. Do they get along? Absolutely not. Are they an effective team? Also no. Is it funny to listen to them try? Most definitely.

The Alexandria Archives - Mild horror, comedy, fantasy

A college radio host chronicles the misadventures of her variously occult peers. Features “selections from the archives,” short-format scary stories that, while lightly referencing a consistent lore, mostly stand on their own.

Archive 81 (🌈) - Horror, sci-fi/fantasy, adventure and some dark comedy

A newly-hired archivist at a shady government facility stumbles across an entire parallel dimension’s worth of occult magic, science fiction, and high conspiracy. His bosses suck, but the monsters are surprisingly chill, which is good for our archivist, because he seems to be one of them.

Ars Paradoxica (💯,🌈) - Sci-fi, comedy, political thriller, drama

Time travel shenanigans set in America during the Cold War, following the misadventures of the scientist who accidentally invented the technology and brought it back in time from the 21st century. I’d say she struggles to fit in despite her incessant wise-cracking and thirst for pop-culture, but she makes absolutely no attempts to stifle either, ever, under any circumstance.

Arden (💯)  - Comedy, “true” crime mystery

An overzealous journalist and a private investigator with a flair for the dramatic try their hand at a true crime podcast, investigating the closed murder of a teenaged celebrity. Their biggest challenge lies in putting aside their personal differences and putting up with the bizarre whims of their boss, who is both obscenely wealthy and absolutely out of touch with reality.

Blackwood (💯)  - Mystery, mild horror

A crack team of teenaged detectives investigate a cryptid from their hometown, but uncover a much larger mystery that they are all much closer to than they first realized.

The Bridge - Horror, mystery, light comedy

A remote outpost providing traffic reports and sweet, sweet tunes for the trans-Atlantic highway (which is a thing) is staffed exclusively by people with dark and mysterious pasts. Especially the DJ. Features eldritch sea monsters, a scary amusement park, and what I’m pretty sure are ghosts.

The Bright Sessions (💯,🌈) - Sci-fi, drama, occasional suspense

Plenty of people lead healthier lives thanks to their friendly neighborhood therapist. Some of those people have superpowers. Granted, that’s not the only reason they’re there, but it helps to have a specialist.

Congeria (💯) - Thriller, mystery

A private investigator is called on to find a missing girl who isn’t what she seems, facing off against mad scientists, rogue assassins, and a death cult who are after the same target.

Death by Dying (💯) - Dark comedy, fantasy, mystery

The obituary writer of Crestfall, Idaho finds himself doing a good deal of detective work for his job, both to satisfy his own curiosity and to ease the minds of his surviving clients. Fortunately, Death herself is there to help.

Girl in Space - Sci-fi, comedy, drama

After being stranded alone on a research vessel for most of her adult life, the surviving scientist of an apparently doomed mission is accosted by the outside world in just the worst way possible. She’s forced to simultaneously confront a corrupt paramilitary complex, navigate unstructured social interactions, and uncover the mystery of how exactly her former crewmates - who happen to have been her parents - met their demise.

LifeAfter (💯) - Sci-fi, mystery, drama

A young software engineer is coerced into committing corporate espionage by the digitally recreated ghost of his dead girlfriend. Unsurprisingly, greater things are afoot, and he grapples with the decision of whether to dig further or keep his head down.

The Message (💯) - Sci-fi, mystery

A team of scientists try to decipher the meaning of a mysterious signal from outer space. A little later than any of them would have liked, they discover that exposure to the signal can cause devastating brain damage, meaning that they have to work under quarantine and on a bit of a time crunch.

Midnight Marinara - Horror

Dramatic readings of a broad variety of creepypasta and similar internet horror. The twist is, they’re adapted to real-time narratives in the style of your favorite radio shows; no narrators here!

Our Fair City (💯) - Sci-fi, comedy, drama, horror elements

In the distant future, in the city of Hartford, Connecticut, mankind - or, at least, as much of mankind will fit into Hartford, Connecticut - lives in a gothic, campy, 1950′s-style steampunk dystopia that is about to be turned upside down. The city struggles not to collapse under the weight of its several mad scientists, a rebellion led by plumbers, and no fewer than three separate apocalypses.

The White Vault (💯)  - Horror, found audio

A repair team heads to Outpost Fristed, located in the most remote portion of the polar icecap. The darkness that they find there threatens to destroy them in every conceivable way.

Wooden Overcoats (🌈) - Comedy, drama, more comedy

A funeral home director struggles to keep his spot on the island of Piffling Vale against the competition of a second funeral home that has just opened up. His nemesis is handsome, charming, and all-around almost irrationally likable, but our hero is ready to pull out the stops on as many hare-brained schemes as it takes to beat him.

Honorable mentions:

Bubble (Lighthearted sci-fi comedy)

King Falls AM (Drama, comedy, mystery, sci-fi)

Mabel (Fantasy, suspense, romance??)🌈

Spines (Horror/sci-fi, mystery)🌈

Within the Wires (Sci-fi, horror elements, suspense, romance)🌈

[dappercritter]

what are your favorite lemon demon songs and why :D ?

Glad you asked! I’m always happy to talk about Lemon Demon music. (Even though it took me forever to respond. I am sorry about that!)

So without further ado, my favourite Lemon Songs are:

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. This is basically one of those big, increasingly insane, multi-franchise mashups mega battle everyone made up when they were a kid set to a funky beat. How can you not love it? Another thing is that it all starts with Godzilla and Batman showing up and ticking each other off—not only is it hilarious imaging two of my childhood icons going at it, but it reminds me of a plan for an actual Godzilla vs. Batman crossover! …Okay, maybe I’m reading into things here.

The Only House That’s (Not) on Fire Yet. This is one of Lemon Demon’s more chill songs and I like that. It has all the fixing of your average LD song (snappy wordplay, musing on life, aloof singer character who may or may not be in his right mind,) but it has a calmer energy. When I listen to it, it feels like I’m wandering the house on a cool autumn evening, looking out on the neighbourhood, which is currently on fire, while plotting what to do next…

Reaganomics. This resonates with me for a couple of reasons: 1) I love me some criticism of short-sighted economic policies! 2) The lyrics of the song, while obviously making fun of how Reagan’s free-market economics were a nice idea that went nowhere (or at least nowhere good from what I heard), tell the story of a man who wants to save his love and his country from the oppression of a faulty capitalist economy that suffocates its citizens, when really he’s just making promises that he hopes everyone will believe. I’m no government official, but sometimes when I see everyone I know and love being run into the ground as the world seemingly plummets in an economic freefall brought on by rampant capitalism, I just can’t help but want to jump and help them. Oh, and this song is another slapper.

Touch-Tone Telephone. The hook is so infectious, I love the instrumentation, and it has a cute story to go with it: paranoid conspiracy theorist tries to get in touch with a radio host. What I love about it is how you can read into it. Is the theorist trying to prove that he’s actually onto something and not some crackpot, so that he can save the world and hopefully get some respect at long last? Or is he trying to admit his feeling for the radio host without sounding like a hopeless lunatic? …while also trying to save the world. It’s great fun to listen to, and it reminds me of some of the awkward conversations I’ve had with my friends as I try to get my convoluted point across.

Knife Fight. You can’t talk about this one without giving away the surprise, but let’s just I like how well it matches my two sides: edgy and silly.

Brodyquest. This song makes me want to watch Adrien Brody movies, dress up as Adrien Brody, and then parade through the streets with a keytar and an Oscar. Sometimes that’s all you need in a song.

White Bread Boyfriend. I’m a cishet white dude and this song is tailor-made to insult me, and every guy like me—and by Jove, it makes it sound good! Seriously though, this is literally the anthem for all the crappy, “mediocre” white guys who think they’re the most romantic human on the planet when, in reality, they’re self-centered D-bags with some obnoxiously low standards. Trust me when I say there’s nothing more cathartic than listening somebody make fun of these wankers. Not to mention it’s a helpful reminder for what not to do for if and when this wanker meets a girl who actually likes him. (*wink, wink*)

No Eyed-Girl. If there’s one thing I love it’s a good love song. If there’s another thing I love it’s the love between two people who come from two different worlds, and/or two people of different species. Especially one’s where one loves the other even though they’re an eldritch creature whose world can melt our brains. Wanting to be with someone, even if physical contact with you results in total vaporization, is beautiful. It’s the kind of devotion you just don’t see in love songs these days.

Cabinet Man. Without a doubt one of my favourites. It’s a fun song with a catchy beat about a horrible thing that happens to a man who loses his humanity as he turns into a hideous half-arcade-cabinet-half-human zombie. It’s a great showcase of Neil’s ability to write something that reads like a Stephen King story but plays like an absolute banger. It’s black comedy at its finest as the singer goes through the ups and downs of becoming a living arcade cabinet. Also, I will never get the chorus out of my head.

Aurora Borealis. This was the first Lemon Demon song that I listened to, and since I have a habit of making my first exposure to something my favourite, this is probably my all-time favourite. That and I’m a huge sucker for Christmas stuff. I love how it’s so sweet and so creepy at the same time, with a (dubiously human) guy trying to enjoy a romantic Christmas Eve with his lover amidst the end of the world. The ending tugs at my heartstrings, too, not just because Christmas is being marked by an eldritch apocalypse (actually that’s kind of cool), but because despite his best efforts, the singer’s plans falls apart and he’s left alone in the Yuletide hellscape. The electronic instrumentation and the sleigh bells make for a great sound, too.

Honourable Mention: It’s About to Get Weird. Remember what I said about firsts and favourites with “Aurora Borealis”? Well, I have a confession to make: Although that was my first Lemon Demon song, it wasn’t my first Neil Cicierega song—this was. I’m a huge Gravity Falls fan and when I first heard this song, I was genuinely disappointed they didn’t use it. In addition to being a great villain song for Bill, I love that it mixes gleeful showtunes with the most demented imagery; it’s not just Bill’s kind of song, it’s my kind of song, as well as a perfect introduction to Neil’s talents as singer and songwriter. Well, even if we didn’t hear it Weirdmaggeddon, at least we can listen to it whenever we want.

[theradioghost]

I really trust your podcast opinions, so: What would you offer to someone whose favorites are The Penumbra Podcast, Starship Iris, Wolf 359, and Greater Boston? (I've listened to many more, but those should give a sense of what I like. Also, despite 3/4 being set in space, space is not that important. LGBTQ+ rep is).

Anything by The Whisperforge production company is gonna give you lots of diversity of every kind and some damn high-quality writing but currently I’m just in love with Startripper!!, a kind of wonder-filled feel-good sci-fi Diners Drive-ins and Dives. It’s about Feston Pyxis, a former office worker traveling the universe in search of adventure. The very third episode features Feston helping a guy elope with his boyfriend (as played by Scotty Shoemaker) to escape an unwanted engagement, there have already been loveable space pirates, and there are only five episodes out so I’m willing to bet there will be more of the wonderful same. For their other shows, if you want gentle, loving magical realism and soft healing, try The Far Meridian, aka the audio equivalent of a hug on a bad day. If you want to cry about everything from the horrors of American patriotism to a gay interracial couple reaching out across time itself to find one another, try ars PARADOXICA.

If you feel up for some horror, The Magnus Archives rests somewhere in the space between a typical narrative and an anthology show: featuring readings of “statements” by people who encountered the supernatural, set beside the story of the poor, poor people who are trying to figure out the connections between these encounters. The writing and acting are top-notch, and it honestly feels like just as much of a mystery as a horror show, as you try to figure out the answers right alongside the archivists. At least half of the main characters as well as quite a few of the minor characters in the various episodes and several of the actors are LGBTQA+ (the writer is also the frontman of The Mechanisms, a band specializing in spectacularly queer musical retellings of myths, and also in being really, really good).

The Alexandria Archives is a much more lighthearted take on a horror anthology but is also super LGBTQA-friendly and I love it to bits. Half of the show is southern gothic Lovecraftian horror short stories, half of the show is the goofy late-night antics of the students of Alexandria University (Miskatonic’s southern rival, for the cosmic horror fans out there), as chronicled by “Morning Wood,” host of the student radio station’s 12 AM show. MW herself is ace and just off the top of my head there have been lesbian and agender characters.

If you like Starship Iris, try Procyon’s other podcasts, Station to Station and Under Pressure! Station to Station is a sci-fi mystery set on a scientific research vessel, as Dr. Miranda Quan attempts to figure out her best friend’s disappearance using a mysterious recording he left her, detailing the truth of the time-travel experiments they’re doing. Under Pressure is a slice-of-life story about personal lives and workplace tensions in a research station at the bottom of a deep-sea trench. Both are good. Both are gay. Science abounds. 10/10

MABEL. Haunted houses are not fun. Fairies are not friendly or pretty. Some eldritch lesbians are going to burn the world down hand in hand, and I am so very thrilled to hear them do it. (Or, a social worker leaves answering machine messages, trying to reach her client’s granddaughter.)

Violet Beach! @yahooanswer writes a good ass podcast, you guys, and imma copy her description which is that VB is “a soft-horror sci-fi dramadey, which is a lot of words mashed together, because genre is annoying. it centers on seven friends in their teens & twenties in a small maryland college town. when they start seeing weird occurrences all around them–bright purple skies or people who aren’t quite there or a really cute new girl at school who may or may not be a ghost–they start investigating. and while they might not be the heroes of the story, per se, they sure do want to know the truth.”

(It’s very good and I love it and I’m obnoxiously excited for season 3)

& of course there’s the very well-known The Bright Sessions and all of Night Vale Presents’ shows. I don’t think NVP has had a straight protag yet. Crossroads Stations also make really fun, diverse shows.

Also, so far there’s been no romance whatsoever and I honestly don’t expect any, but Girl In Space is a fantastic show that has helped a whole lot with filling the void left in my heart by Wolf 359. The writing is similarly engaging, the characters are great, and the story has gripped me instantly. The heroine, known only as X, is a scientist living alone on the spaceship that is the only place she’s ever known after her parents’ disappearance, orbiting a strange star called Ra. Then some people arrive who claim to own both the ship and X, and everything gets complicated.

(I also wrote a lesbian ghost romance podcast about the meaning of home and nostalgia and connection and episode 4 comes out Sunday and if you would consider listening I would be very, very happy)

[starbuckshux]

I got tagged

@el-eldritch tagged me

Rules: Answer the questions and tag 20 blogs to get to know them better

Nickname: Magster, Dark Betty

Gender:???: a concept

Star Sign: Libra

Height: 5′2

Time: 5:39pm

Birthday: October 10

Favourite Bands: The 1975, Twenty One Pilots, Knuckle Puck, The Wrecks, Bastille, The Lumineers

Favourite Solo Artists: Michael Lee Brown, Harry Styles, Blackbear

Song Stuck In My Head: Anybody Have a Map? from DEH 

Last Movie I Watched: The Crucible in English and Catfish at home

Last Show I Watched: Catfish the T.V. Show

When Did I Create My Blog: Maybe about a month ago? I wrote on my other blog but I got really caught up in aesthetics and it didn’t get a lot of user traffic.

What Do I Post?: Fandom writing, lots of reblogged edits; Marvel and Star Wars

Last Thing I Googled: Did Charles Lindberg kill his son? (for a history project)

Do You have Any Other Blogs?: @drxgxnslxyer

Why Did You Choose Your URL?: I love Hux, so it put in a rhyming generator and starbucks popped up.

Following: 51

Followers: 38

Favourite Colours: Blue, Black, Yellow, maybe pastel pink depends on the day

Average Hours of Sleep: Usually about 5, I wake up a lot during the night

Lucky Number: 7 or 13

Instruments: I played a lot of harmonica when I was younger and I’m learning ukulele

What Am I Wearing?: Dark blue joggers, a chest binder, hi top vans, and a Back To The Future shirt

How Many Blankets Do I Sleep With?: 3

Dream Job: Probably something in the music business like a radio host or a tour manager

Dream Trip: Ireland and Scotland with my Dad

Favourite Food: I literally have no idea but right now I like Tiramisu or Spinach Artichoke Dip

Nationality: American but my Dad did that Ancestry DNA thing and we’re apparently extremely Scottish, like our own crest and tartan colour

Favourite Song now: Ophelia by The Lumineers (really good piano flourishes) or Favorite Liar by The Wrecks

@kyloholic @kylo-renne @lunalhovegood @grungeplusme @theway-youhurtme @lovelouis-onedirection @dehfics @robot-anon @cooltranspan @theheadcanonsawakens @le--ia @eggoel @landoftheodd @mattstraightupsucks @itsbvckybarnes @baensolo @parkerscupcake @forforevan @vanillaparker @adarmdriver

[bramblepatch]

Surreal Bullshit Content That Gives Me Some Kinda Feel

It's pretty safe to describe my aesthetic as "weird af," and today I'd like to share a few of my favorite pieces of surreal bullshit content that gives me some kinda feel, in no particular order.

(Please note that this is all weird and a lot of it is dark, and I'm not going to be able to comprehensively trigger warn. There's a lot of unreality and a fair amount of body horror, though.)

If you enjoy these and would like to physically inflict them on people you know, many of them have print editions or merch. Artists that get paid are artists that continue making weird bullshit for us to enjoy!

Alice Isn't Dead - A podcast by the same people that brought us Welcome to Night Vale, although it doesn't exactly share its predecessor's sense of whimsy. A woman takes a job as a long-haul trucker to search for clues in the disappearance of her wife, the eponymous Alice. A mysterious coverup, a flesh-eating monster, and also a lot of liminal weirdness around being alone on the open road.

Shitty Horoscopes - A zine by Amrit Brar, featuring... worryingly aggressive horoscopes paired with beautiful illustrations of bones. The collected paperback kickstarter edition is one of my most prized possessions, but you can still read and enjoy most of it on tumblr.

Fallen London - A text-based browser game with rich, wry lore and excellent LGBT inclusion. London was relocated to the Neath, a vast subterranean cavern adjacent to Hell, thirty years ago. Londoners have mostly adjusted to the lack of weather, the way death doesn't quite work right, and the mushroom wine. The eldritch horrors, too, or at least the fun or profitable ones. Become a monster hunter, learn spycraft, gamble with your soul or sell it outright. Befriend bohemians and government functionaries. Don't go North.

The Birthday Unending - A weird little tumblr passion project of author Seanan McGuire (who writes excellent urban fantasy), although I've linked the third-party archive because Ms. McGuire doesn't tag them on her own blog so it's hard to backread them there. HERE IS YOUR PLACE AT THE TABLE. HERE IS YOUR CONICAL HAT. WELCOME TO THE BIRTHDAY UNENDING.

99 Rooms - Very simple point and click browser game/art piece built out of photos of eerie abandoned industrial buildings with beautifully weird graffiti. There's a jumpscare mid-way through, so be careful of that.

The Hidden Almanac - A podcast in the form of magical realism public radio: Reverend Mord just wants to talk about gardening, historical anecdotes, and the lives of the saints. His miracle-working colleague Pastor Drom won't stop publishing self-help books and asking what's under Mord's plague-doctor mask. The show's sponsored by, among other things, blood-feuding used car dealerships and the Silent Night Club, which would like to reassure you that they're still not a front for the underground mime cult.

Normal Horoscopes - A screaming skeleton interprets the stars for us via a tumblr blog. If you want a personalized fortune, you'll need to bring the Caretaker an offering. Something intangible will do.

Evil Supply Co. - The tumblr page for the Evil Supply Co., a provider of actual IRL whimsically spooky paper goods (they even have a subscription service!), but also posts a lot of adorable microfiction from the haunted village of Peyroux. Easily one of the fluffiest things on this list - it's more "cute halloween aes" than "surreal bullshit" - but I love it enough to throw it at you anyway.

The Strange Log - A twitter account of interesting excerpts from patch notes and changelogs, without context.

A Softer World - Disjointed existential musing paired with beautiful photography in a three-panel format. The webcomic has ended, but there's over 1200 strips to browse in the archive. One of the premier pieces of surreal bullshit content on the internet, honestly.

The Book of the Gear - An unfinished and abandoned web serial by Ursula Vernon, the writer behind the Hidden Almanac. Still one of my favorite examples of her writing. A fantasy travelouge chronicaling eccentric naturalist Eland the Younger's exploration of the Gearworld, an extradimensional space of bizarre maintainence tunnels and monolithic clockwork. The story's hosted on Livejournal, so you'll need to page to the back of the archive to read it in order.

Cultist Simulator: Behold Our End - A new game project from Alexis Kennedy, creative director and lead writer of Fallen London. You can download the alpha now, and there's a kickstarter planned for September. Surreal, dreamy occult horror: scour used bookshops and your own dreams for forbidden lore, indoctrinate followers, undertake rites of sacrifice and self-destruction to usher in a new age. And try to get to work often enough you won’t starve to death in the process.

Listing to Port - Another weird tumblr. Lists of things. All kinds of things.

Rabbits of Downtrodden - All of @theveryworstthing's work is beautiful and eerie, but the Rabbits of Downtrodden world is amazing and extensively fleshed out. Matter of fact survival horror with cute, pragmatic necromancer bunnies. (Ok, they're not all necromancers. But the civilization of shape-shifting fairy brood parasites on the next continent is kind of weirded out by how many of them are necromancers. There's no accounting for taste.)

Gunnerkrigg Court - A long-running webcomic by Tom Siddel, following Antimony Carver as she attends school at Gunnerkrigg Court, uncovering secrets of the Court's founding and her own family history. Weird, dark, compelling. Also frequently adorable, and with art that starts a little rough but develops beautifully.