#my life is about to fall apart | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

calpalsworld · 7 months

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i missed turning an assignment in on time for the first time this schoolyear 😦

#it may have been because i was drawing sexy windows. but it was also because i became mentally ill after drawing her #i did not quickly finish it before the deadline. instead i was just mentally ill... and layed there being mentally ill...#how could i let this happpen... this never hapoens to me....#and now idk if ill get tomorrow or fridays homework done because todays homework isnt done. so. what am i gonna do...#my life is about to fall apart #i feel it

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inkskinned · 1 year

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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

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baalzebufo · 2 months

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some additional doodles and a Lot of Headcanons... sorry if im spamming these a little bit. ive got so many thoughts in my head, lmao

theres my older pacifica- after weirdmageddon, her and gideon become friends. theyre both sort of ostracized from the town as a whole bc of their past attitudes/actions so they cling together and become buds. its nice having someone else who 'gets' it.

pacifica moved out as soon as she could to get away from her folks and has a job at a local mall. gideon enables her to enjoy at least SOME of her old luxuries by taking her shopping and to get their nails done together and stuff. also his prison buddies help ''kindly persuade'' her parents not to break her enforced no-contact rule from time to time. i know the two have the bitchiest gossip in the entire town together. sometimes when its hard to be 'nice' they know they can at least vent to the other and they wont get judged for it, yknow?

also some backstory doodles! he was a Normal Kid, Once. or close enough to it. gideon was a sickly child and was sheltered and homeschooled for most of his life. the gleefuls moved from texas to oregon when he was about seven (yes i know this breaks canon a little. its fine shh.) and he found journal 2 shortly after. things went downhill from there

other notes. he's always kept his hair long, but used to either let it down or tie it into a long braid. he very briefly attended a public school and he didnt fare very well there (fat kid + albino + 'girly' + general weird interests is basically painting a massive target on your back) he used to stay up and watch late night televangelists when he couldnt sleep in hospital and copped his aesthetic from there

sorry this post is so long i have a lot of thoughts about him </3

#alloyart #gravity falls #gideon gleeful #pacifica northwest #i dont think pacificas 'aesthetic' changes much apart from she allows herself to be more casual now bc she has less 'standards' to uphold #shes still learning what she actually ENJOYS. because shes had her whole life dictated by her parents up until now. its slow going #its funny how in my 'carrying on from canon' au/timeline basically everyone tries to become a nicer or better person #pacificas parents are not included in this tho. fuck em lol. she does NOT have contact with them if she does not absolutely HAVE to.#and having a pal who knows a lot of criminals is actually comforting. gids puts the wall of muscle between her and her parents #they got that upper-middle class solidarity goin on #anyway. sorry this is a fuckin wall of text. like i said ive got SO many headcanons ive not posted publicly #Talk To Me About Gideon Charles Gleeful [i am gripping my desk very tightly]#(in all seriousness if you ever want to hear more uh. idk. send me an ask or something. ask me about headcanons. i'll be happy)

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kindahoping4forever · 7 months

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AshtonIrwin: “We collide again, the moonlight on your skin, I feel your tidal pleasures“🌙 ✍🏻 🌊

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dorkicon · 1 year

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elite trine slumber party...?

#look im at the point in the semester where my life starts falling apart #how do i express 2 the masses that i got invested in tc/tb from a 20 year old fic i found on an old geocities website HAHAH #...well i can link it on request. wink.#im procrastinating on making a website for a class so my art output has increased. huge win?....eh?#g1 #starscream #thundercracker #skywarp #my art #you guys should read tcs marvel tfuniverse bio. ive been thinking about it a lot

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nintendont2502 · 1 month

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btw i will forever recommend just. refusing to engage in discourse. its free its easy and you literally arent missing anything LMAO - 99% of discourse on here is just on the most pointless petty shit that literally doesnt mean a single thing to anyone in real life (i am looking directly at you "pRo/AnTi" shippers), and the other 1% is genuinely important shit... that isnt going to be solved in any productive way by insulting '''the other side''' online. arguing with strangers online never changes anyones mind all youre doing is making yourself *and* your cause look annoying as hell :thumbsup: maybe chill out. find a hobby.

#dont even get me started on how apparently this entire fucking site has never heard of nuance in its life #im ngl dude i think if youre boiling down a complicated topic to 'well this is the good side (my side) and then the BAD EVIL SIDE'#and putting anyone who even slightly falls out of line with your beliefs on the evil side #like. thats not gonna be productive in the slightest right. you understand that right #if you wanna have meaningful nuanced discussions with people you actually know about serious topics then go for it!#just dont drag random strangers into it #if i have to see one more post with dumb bullshit acronyms that everyones expected to know that insults anyone who doesnt blindly agree wit #them i stg #'if you dont agree with this then clearly youre a [evil side] who hates [group] and does [bad thing]. theres no other logical explanation #for you possibly not agreeing with me'#and theyre talking about the most obscure insane discourse youve literally never heard of before thatll be flooding your dash for the next #month #had to unfollow a really good artist because they just kep reblogging the most aggressive 'every [evil side] sucks and hates [good side] an #doesnt care about them and wants to oppress them'#(said '[evil side]' wasnt even a moral stance it was literally just something you were born as. like. you get how thats fucked up right)#which uh. sucked! especially since i was part of that [evil side]#anyway midnight rant over tldr uhhh discourse stupid go get hobbies #and if i ever mention what discourse topic inspired this post ill probably get torn apart LMAOO #(hint: its one of the stupid pointless ones)#me.txt

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fairyreblogs · 5 months

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Scout can NEVER try cooking an omelet because Spy would walk in and see Scout's first ever attempt and since its not a perfect omelet Spy would give criticism and then try to teach Scout how to make a perfect omelet to honor his french heritage but Scout would be so outraged by what he perceives as Spy insulting his attempt and then trying to take over so he would just leave the kitchen and not eat anything for lunch, leaving Spy alone in the kitchen with all the omelet materials wondering why trying to teach his son how to make the french meal did not work

#look when you are an american and your father is french. shit happens #the second i moved out i made so many omelets. and yes some were burnt or falling apart. but you know what?#i had infinitely more fun making the omelets myself then i ever did with my dad grabbing me by the wrist and moving my hand like a puppet #french fathers who missed several years of their american childs life be like: how the fuck do you parent. this adult child of mine is shit #normal guy who totally isnt projecting onto Scout and Spy #this is so fun because if there was a venn diagram of me and scout it would nearly be a circle. im not a merc and im not boston #i can literally be like: here are things i hate about my father. but then replace father with Spy and it still matches. slayyyyyyyy #except my dad made me stop playing baseball because i have no depth perception and kept getting hit in the face :(#tf2 scout #tf2 spy #dadspy

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proudfreakmetarusonikku · 8 months

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not to make angst out of a fucking gag but also thinking about the silly au rei in the final episode makes me think about how different rei would be if she didn’t have literally the worst dad ever. like, no, she probably wouldn’t have been the upbeat adhd whirlwind in the high school au lmao. but it does just make me think. because while all the pilots lives are incredibly marked by trauma, rei's the only one to have never had access to any sort of normal life. her entire personality and worldview is shaped from being isolated, groomed, and taught to see herself as a tool and not a person. and then i just get so sad that she never had any chance of a normal life where she could discover herself and what she is. she went from being abused and manipulated by gendō (which is made even worse with the implications certain scenes leave about their relationship) to becoming god. she never had any chance of living a normal life. and just like. fuck.

#like when people talk about gendō being a bad dad it’s normally to do with shinji but like. he was an utterly abysmal dad to rei as well.#outside of the implications of csa even. like even outside of that she was isolated confined and used as a tool her whole life #like. it’s not like she can just leave. I mean none of the Eva pilots can just leave because they’re being groomed it’s horrible and awful #But like Rei specifically physically can’t leave. both bc she needs her medication which. I doubt anywhere else makes stuff to stop your #body from falling apart bc your at field aka like your fucking soul more or less just is failing.#but also bc like. she’s kinda literally vital for gendōs plans. there’s no way nerv would physically allow her to leave #god like. no wonder she was so insistent on her not getting better treatment than the rest despite the obvious favouritism of gendō #like. yeah maybe she gets scraps of affection but she’s also like. trapped. and also being abused.#fucking biting #free my girl she didn't do shit #Neon Genesis Evangelion

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edge-oftheworld · 7 months

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'shallow hearts for shallow minds that ache to be alive' the chokehold you have on me

#literally keep finding new relevance for this one line #like. in my life. in christianity; surprisingly. in the way it kinda resolves the bridge of starting line on luke's part #we fall apart and redefine what keeps you up at night->also that #basically this is just an incredible bridge all around. a true pivotal point #like. just existing in a world of people who prefer to stay in a fraction of the depth you (read: I) naturally do and trying to be myself #all through that. not letting having to conform rob me of my own existence and experiences and the fact that not everyone sees everything #it doesn't make it any less real #why are we not talking about this song more in our predictions for lh2?#take my hand #5sos5 #luke hemmings #5sos #5 seconds of summer

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icewindandboringhorror · 24 days

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sneepy cozy time....

#cats #longing to one day hopefully feel sleepy cozy like this again...#There was a pretty cool week here so I thought we had progressed closer to cool fall weather but... NO #..wrong!! It's like 80F in my room right now and was 98F outside yesterday. We get two more 'cooler' days and then #it starts going up again and will be in the high 90s possibly 100 something later this week #in my mind september should be COOOOOLLLL!!!!! or at least STARTING to get there.. Like mid 80s at the highest.#I am going to explode the world with evil wizard powers aaRGHaaHHHHHHHH #OR at least it should get down really low at night. I think thats the main thing is if it's 95 in the day and only 62 for like 3 hours in #the middle of the night then even leaving a fan in windows all night is not enough to fully cool down the house because its just not #enough cold air or cool for long enough. If it were 98 in the day but 15F outside at night then you could probably bring cool air inside al #night and your house would be at a relatively low starting point for the next days heat.#Like for example - in my apartment on a hot and sunny day. Even with every window #closed and blocked off with thick layers of reflective stuff and also not using the stove or doing anything to generate heat - the apartmen #will still go up on average about 6 - 8 degrees in one day. Peaking around 8 - 10pm night time. If I start off with the house cooled down #to 60F. then the highest it would get is 66 - 68 which is tolerable #.But if the lowest I can cool the apartment all night is still only 75F #then it's going to be 81 - 83F by the end of the day. So really it would be bearable (ISH)#for it to be warm as long as it was colder at night.#Though still the IDEAL is to not have to structure my life around envrionmental management and constantly be checking the #outdoor temperature so I can put the fans in the second that it's colder outside than it is inside and putting elaborate curtain systems #up and down at the exact right times and meal prepping 4 days in advance so I dont have to use the stove for 3 days and blah blah blah #Life in the colder weather months is so effortless and breezy in that sense. I can just have the window open all day and get natural light.#I can cook whatever I want. I can wear what I like. I can move around the house freely without needing to always #carry a fan around with me or douse myself in water.#ANYWAY.... oh if only that were me.... snuggled in a warm blanket ... a comforting wintery image...

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dizzybizz · 2 months

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im so

im so .. insane about him right now

I LOVE HIS BIG PEEPERS . HIS BIG PEEPERS WHEN HES SO DEEP IN THE ZONE !!! ITS ALMOST EERIE LIKE AUHGDJJFGGH

look at him hugging his bag. look at his sproing.

i love!!!!! when his eye goes

BOKUTO YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#YOU NEVER SEE THE CHARACTER HYPERFIXATIONS COMING IS THE THING #THEY JSUT HIT YOU OVE RTHE HEAD OUT OF NOWHERE #haikyuu #bokuto koutarou #i was gonna go to bed like. 2 whole hours ago and instead i gave myself a headache looking at my phone bc i need to see bokuto right now or #i will fall apart #forgive this incomprehensible post i need to get my love of him out everywhere. ranting on discord is not enough. tumblr must know as well.#if i was coherent and had a way with words i would write an essay about him as a character but alas art remains my only outlet #bokuto jsut makes me SO emotional??? its so weird idk. i will see him and immediately want to cry bc im so overcome w feelings.#hes jsut so good #hes so so mcuh larger than life that it makes me eant to cry like hes so and also so but also so and so like its crazy damn i cant yknow

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ginnsbaker · 5 months

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My missionary parents just came to my room to tell me that while they are away on a mission trip, my girlfriend can't sleep over at our house while im house-sitting it... The house that I bought with my own money....for them.

That's Christianity for you folks.

#Rambling about my life #Yeah i grew up in church #And the indoctrination of the bible is really something #I believe in God and a personal relationship with him #But no one's going to tell me im going to hell for simply loving another human being #Dad said he's not angry with my partner and i said then why do you and mom treat her like she's cancer???#Told me they are praying for me everyday to go back to them #Im never going back to church #Not even if this relationship falls apart #No not even then

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cerise-on-top · 4 months

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Cried on the train today, then thought of this! This is just me coping to the highest degree again, but I thought other people might like this as well!

Nikolai as a Father

First off, he’d likely be absent rather often. He was a soldier, he runs a PMC, he’s a busy man through and through. That’s why he won’t be able to see you as often as he’d like. He’d have loved to see all your accomplishments, meeting your first partner and intimidating them, your graduation, the first time you performed on stage, but it wasn’t possible due to work. He does feel bad about it, but he can’t help it. He will try to make it up to you somehow, though he’d understand if you couldn’t forgive him. He does try to be there for you whenever he can, visiting you whenever possible, but you will be apart from each other more often than not. However, if you ever have any suggestions regarding what you’d like to do together, he’s all ears. He has enough money to grant you any wish like that. You wanna go to Japan? You want a boat trip? You wanna go karaoke? It’s all possible, as long as he gets to experience those things with you. He really does wanna make up for the lost time.

He’s a pretty relaxed kind of father. The kind that would allow you a sip of beer when you were young. He’d have no problems with you drinking, as long as it doesn’t get out of hand. You should be responsible about that sort of thing. But if you ever wanted to invite a friend over to drink a bit, then he’d have no problem with getting the booze for you. Nothing too strong while you’re still young, of course, but he gets it. You’re young, you want to be stupid and do foolish things. He was like that too when he was younger, so he won’t stop you. In fact, he’ll even drive to the nearest fast food restaurant and get you and your friend something to eat. Sometimes he might cook himself, though. Nikolai’s food is downright godly, he can cook just about anything and cook it well too. As long as you don’t invite a friend over to get blackout drunk every weekend, all is good.

I think he’d probably lie to you about his job when you’re younger. You don’t need to know that he kills people for a living. You can know that he does paperwork, though. So he’d likely tell you he works an office job that has him traveling a lot. Speaking of traveling, he’ll always bring you a souvenir. That could range from a small snow globe to a nice T-shirt he found that you might like. He may be busy, but he does think about you very often. This continues into adulthood as well. If he can’t see you and give it to you in person then he’ll just mail it to you. Won’t ever allow you to work in the same field he does, though. You’re too sweet to work as a mercenary. You can become anything you want to be, but he’ll do what he can to not have you work in the military or in a PMC. He wants you to live and live well. There are no exceptions to this. He knows you might not listen to him, but he’ll tell you over and over again that those kinds of jobs are not what you might think they are. He doesn’t tell you what to do very often, but you should listen to him when he does. He’s an older man, who actually knows what he’s talking about. Besides, he only means well when it comes to you.

A very accepting father, in all honesty. You’re gay? You’re trans? He’s very supportive of you. Besides, it doesn’t matter who you bring home, he’s gonna try to intimidate them either way. Only the best of the best for you. If you ever find yourself some sleazebag, who won’t spoil you rotten like you deserve, then he’ll make sure that person will learn their lesson. He can be a very scary man when he wants to be. If you’re transmasc, then he’d delight in going clothes shopping with you and finding something that you look good in and that fits. He might even buy you a bomber jacket like he has so you can match. He’ll get you the fanciest suits too. Whatever you need, he’ll give it to you. If you’re transfem then he might not be the best suited candidate to go shopping with you. He can tell you what you look good in, but he might call someone like Laswell to help you find nice clothes that suit you well. However, he won’t save any money on anything. You know what you want? You can gladly have it. Nikolai will even pay for your surgeries as well. As long as you’re happy, he’s happy. No price is too high when it comes to your happiness. In fact, he probably has the means to get you a prescription for hormones as well. It might not be entirely legal, but it’s better than nothing if you have shitty doctors.

Likewise, if you come out to him as aromantic or asexual, he won’t mind. Sure, you might have to explain what that means, but once he understands he won’t make you feel bad for that sort of thing. Gives you a side hug and tells you that he’s glad he doesn’t have to worry about your heart being broken by some asshole who can’t appreciate you for who you are. Unfortunately, if you do come out to him as ace, he might make some puns about it. Nothing offensive, but he’s your father, he can’t help the urge to make awful dad jokes from time to time.

If you don’t know Russian then he’ll teach you. He’s a proud Russian, so he does want you to know the language. He can hire a teacher for you too, if you’d prefer that, but you won’t be spared. He’ll talk to you in Russian and compliment you on your progress. Besides, it’s never a mistake to know another language. If you do know Russian then he’ll speak it with you whenever he can. Yes, even when the likes of Price are around. Doesn’t matter if it comes off as rude, it just feels homey to him. It makes him feel at ease.