#my mom went through my room and took all of my stuff and removed it from its place

[ame-chan-unoffical]

i wanna like use a wooden spear to rip my veins out of my arms like its noodles out an instant noodles cup

[ordinaryschmuck]

Full Family AU Part 15

Camila sat at her computer, rocking back and forth in her rickity, swirly chair that's probably older than her at this point. She had her hands over her eyes, letting out a long dragged out groan, frustrated to no end by the torment that is doing her own research.

"Daddy's home!" Manny announced as he stepped into the computer room. "I brought home pizza and, good news, Vee loves it. I gave her one slice and she gobbled it down in seconds. Bad news, her puppy dog eyes are as irresistible as Luz's, so she had to have three slices. Hopefully that's fine."

Camila said nothing. She just grunted, not changing her position in the chair. She barely even acknowledged Manny putting a plate with her slice of pizza next to the computer.

"Take a break," he told her. "Your brain is fried, so enjoy some pepperoni, my Pepperoni."

Camila removed her hands from her face and gave Manny a quizzical look. "Your Pepperoni? What does that even mean?"

"...It means I was trying something."

Camila groaned some more as she took her pizza. "I've hit a wall, Manny. I've hit a major wall..."

"What are you even researching?"

"Well, after that...heartbreakingly tragic backstory Vee told us, we agreed, we have to let her stay here. Because, I mean, where else would she go, right?"

"Right, I know. I was there."

"Well, I figured that if she stayed with us, people would ask her who she was. I can't say Luz's cousin because what if family visit? What do I tell them? So the only logical thing I could think of is daughter."

"Makes sense."

"But..." Camila paused to take a bite of her pizza. "Mm, that is good. But I would have to prove she's our daughter. Because then people will ask, 'Why isn't she in school?' And I can't send her to school without papers or stuff like that. And I'm not her birth mom, so I don't have her birth certificate or whatever. So I thought, 'Oh, maybe we could adopt her.'"

"I mean, I'm not opposed to that," Manny said. "We always talked about having a second kid and Vee...needs a home."

"Of course she needs a home, I want to give her a home, but unfortunately I can't give her a home!" Camila takes a bigger, frustrated bite of this pizza. "MAN, this is good! Did you go far from town to get this?"

"There's actually a place by--Actually, let's circle back to that," Manny said with a shake to his head. "What do you mean we can't give her a home?"

"Because to adopt a child you need adoption papers," Camila explained, sounding exasperated between her bites of pizza. "And to get those, you need to go to the county clerk's office, petition for adoption, get that in the system, go to the judge, and let the judge approve your adoption and--GAH!"

She leans further back in her chair, munching the rest of her pizza.

"Can you get me another slice?" Camila asked Manny. "Mami needs more stress food..."

"I think Mami needs a breather," Manny suggested. He then went behind Camila and started giving her his signature shoulder rub, Camila responding with a light hum because of how nice it felt. "You're overworking your brain, trying to figure things out as soon as possible. We don't need an immediate solution. Just gotta take things step by step."

"I know," Camila sighed. "But you heard what Vee said. All those horrible things that happened to her. She needs us, Manny. She needs to...be apart of something that shows her what love really is. And I want to give that to her. But...all those fictional stories that just show a child that had no home to begin with being adopted into a family tends to leave out all the paperwork necessary to make that process legitimate."

"Of course," Manny said. "All that stuff is boring."

"Manny..." Camila whined.

"But we'll get through it. Focus on stuff we can solve right now instead of things that we'll have to consider in the future."

"Of course we'll have to consider that future stuff. We can't just ignore the other steps."

"I'm not saying we ignore the rest. Just...look at what we have to do and focus on what we can do right now."

Camila hummed in thought. "I guess...I guess one thing we can do is make sure Vee can change into other outfits. That sundress is adorable, but she can't just wear the same thing everyday. This isn't a cartoon."

"And we can easily figure something out." Manny gave the top of Camila's head a kiss. "Until then, how about I get you that second slice of pizza."

"That'd be nice...Where'd you leave the rest?"

"On the kitchen table."

"You...didn't make it easy for the other kids to get to, did you? Especially the one kid who apparently loves pizza."

Manny was silent. Loudly silent. Next thing Camila knew he ran out of the room, quick as a flash.

"That's a no." She chuckled, shutting off the computer for now.

That's enough research for tonight.

[thebetawolfgirl]

Bonding Time part 5

Pairing: Timmy x Reader

Warnings: Smut.

Summary: The Best friend finds out.

Bonding Time pt5

A week later and they hadn’t heard anything from either of their parents again. After Greg walked in on them in bed together the step siblings thought they would hear from y/n’s mother, but they received only radio silence.

‘Well, to be fair how do you tell your new bride you walked in on your son and her daughter fucking like rabbits?’ Y/n asked over the phone hearing Timmy sniggering on the other end.

‘I mean it’s not something you blurt out at dinner while passing the carrots is it?’

Timmy hummed from his side, ‘True. But I thought we would hear something at least. You can’t tell me he walked back into that house all fake smiles and cheery ‘hellos’ after what he just came from? Now THAT’S unnatural.’

‘Yeah.’ She held up a dress in front of her standing in front of the mirror.

‘What are you doing? You’re distracted.’

‘I’m trying to find something to wear to this stupid party tonight.’

She heard him burst into laughter on the other side of the phone, ‘What is so funny?’

‘You got roped in to going to Chloe’s party tonight. Ha ha ha.’

‘Go fuck yourself Chalamet!’

She hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed when she heard her doorbell ring, she looked at the camera footage and saw it was Sarah and Emma and let them in.

She hung up the dress she had out and went to greet them.

‘Hey guys I’m in my room.’

The two girls came into her room kicking off their heels at the door and sitting on the bed, y/n grabbed her iPhone and put it in her dressing gown pocket, one so it wouldn’t break and two so they didn’t have a nosy in case Timmy messaged her.

‘So have you decided what to wear tonight?’ Emma asked flipping through a magazine she found on the bedside table.

‘No nothing yet, how about you?’

Both girls shook their head no.

‘Chloe is just losing her mind with this party, she really wants to impress her future in laws with this. Make them think she’s sophisticated and cultured.’ Sarah waved her hands in an exaggerated manner and y/n smiled and took out a dress from her wardrobe and held it up ‘Oooh that’s nice, is that Chanel?’ Y/n nodded and smiled.

‘Yeah I decided to treat myself.’

She didn’t tell her friends Timmy had bought it for her just because.

She knew her friends were wondering where she was getting all of this nice stuff and who was buying her it, but to be honest it was none of their business. Plus they wouldn’t get it either. They were also curious about the amount of time she and Timmy were spending together.

She removed her robe to try a dress on and heard gasps behind her, she looked behind her shoulder to see her friends staring at her body in shock. ‘What?’

‘Y/n your back!’ Emma stood up and slowly walked over to her. The fact she didn’t flinch from her convinced her friend she wasn’t being abused as she touched her back lightly.

‘I’ve been taking kick-boxing classes recently. It’s really fun.’

‘And the bite marks on your shoulders?! Are your sparring partners biting you?’ Sarah asked standing up with Emma to get a closer look.

‘They don’t hurt and there’s no internal damage so it’s no big deal.’

Y/n responded trying the dress on and looking in the mirror before shaking her head, ‘No good.’ Before removing and hanging it back up.

‘Y/n! We need to talk about this. Who is doing this?’

‘No one is doing this to me. Like I said I’m taking kick-boxing classes and it’s hardcore. Now let’s just get ready for this party.’

Y/n Heard her phone Ping in her pocket and grabbed it smiling at the message

“Apparently Stacey has been invited and insisted I go with her tonight.”

“This party just got a lot more fun.”

She locked the phone and put it back in her pocket seeing her friend’s faces.

‘What?’

‘Who was that?’ Emma asked casually.

‘My mom, why?’ Y/n lied.

Sarah shrugged ‘Just curious. You seemed to be spending a lot of time with Timothée lately.’

Y/n rolls her eyes walking over to the dresser ‘This shit again? He’s my step brother, our parents are married, so wether we like it or not, we need to try and get along with each other. Because according to my mother she’s in this for the long haul.’

‘We’re just concerned that’s all.’ Emma said calmly.

‘About what exactly?’ Y/n asks facing her friends.

‘Timothée said you tried to make a pass at him at Georgette’s 21st and he turned you down Sarah. So I’m getting along with him, and suddenly you’re so concerned about how much time I’m spending with him.’

Sarah’s eyes widened in shock ‘y/n that’s not the case at all. My god, we were stupid kids then, I’m completely over that.’

Y/n rolled her eyes, picking her things up off the floor and threw her gown back on as Emma piped in.

‘Y/n it’s just…. Whenever we’re all out together you and Timmy sit in a corner by yourselves whispering to each other and not getting involved in any conversations-

‘Oh I’m so sorry I don’t want to listen about the wedding that’s been happening for the past fucking six years. Jesus, I was bridesmaid at my mother’s wedding before I’ve even been asked to be Chloe’s.’

Sarah was about to speak again, when y/n’s phone pinged, she picked it up and looked at the screen. It was Timmy, apparently he was in the living room and he overheard most of what her friends had said to her about him.

‘I’ll be right back. Don’t go looking through my stuff you won’t find anything.’

She walked out of her bedroom closing the door behind her and went to meet Timmy in the living room.

She found him pacing in front of the sofa annoyed when he looked up and saw her approaching and walked over to her crushing his lips against hers in a heated kiss.

She kissed him back, before breaking away breathless.

‘Shhh. They’re in the bedroom still. We need to be quiet.’

He took a deep breath through his nose closing his eyes.

‘They have no right to talk to you like that y/n.’

‘I know. I know.’ She whispers stroking her thumb across his cheek, soothing him.

‘They’re the most nosiest people in my life. And I think Sarah is a bit jealous since you turned her down at Georgette’s 21st.’

‘Oh boohoo.’ He rolled his eyes feeling more calm and lay his head against her shoulder. ‘Are you going to the party tonight?’ She asked rubbing his back.

He nodded against her shoulder.

‘Stacey was invited, I’m very confused as to why though.’

Y/n smiles against his shoulder ‘Chloe’s way of showing off her kind side to her future in laws.’

Timmy chuckles against her and lifts his head to look at her.

‘I should go, but I will see you tonight.’

She nodded smiling when she heard her bedroom door open and her friends coming out to the living room.

They both parted and Timmy headed through to the kitchen, and y/n stood glaring at him with her arms folded across her chest.

‘Go and eat food at your own apartment.’

‘Why would I do that when I can raid your fridge?’ He smirks at her.

‘Seriously? You’re such a delinquent.’

Y/n’s friends came through and he rolled his eyes ‘Oh look, it’s Gretchen Weiner and Karen Smith.’

Y/n coughs to cover up her laugh as Sarah glared at him. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

‘Performing open heart surgery.’ He rolls his eyes eating a potato chip. ‘Mind your own business!’

‘Well this is y/n’s apartment-

‘Right, y/n’s apartment, I don’t remember seeing your names on the fucking lease.’ Timmy bit back glaring.

‘OKAY! We get it, you don’t like each other, move on.’ Y/n held up her hands becoming bored.

Timmy decided to say his goodbyes and told y/n he would see her at the party.

Later at the party, y/n was sitting with her friends when Timmy entered with Stacey and they both approached their table and sat down. Timmy remained standing offering to get in a round, ‘I’ll come up with you I need to go to the ladies room anyways.’

Y/n and Timmy walked to the bar together as Emma watched them from the table where she saw them chatting close together. It was dim lighting in the room, but she still saw how close they were standing to each other and how they were subtly touching each other.

She also noticed how when Timmy leaned in to talk in her ear she would lean forward and smile hanging onto every word then laugh.

When the music began everyone headed to the dance floor, Timmy stayed seated although Stacey asked him to come with her, he declined. Emma saw from the dance floor y/n return from the restroom and sit across from Timothée, she saw him lean in whispering something to her and she nodded.

Emma got Sarah’s attention and nodded subtly to the two at the table as Timothée played with her fingers on one hand as she pushed his hair back smiling.

Y/n noticed they were being watched and moved away from Timmy as he sighed following her lead.

‘Your friends need to get a life of their own, it’s pathetic how invested they are in yours. Especially Sarah.’

Y/n nodded running her fingers through her hair.

‘Tell me about it, you know when she saw my back today she actually came over and TOUCHED me. She didn’t even ask before she put her fingers on my body,’

Timmy clenched his jaw grinding his teeth.

‘She needs to learn some fucking boundaries that woman.’

Y/n shook her head and took his hand before standing ‘Dance with me.’

He followed her to the dance floor and took her hand in his as a slower song came on and swayed with her.

‘I think Sarah and Emma are onto us.’ Y/n whispered to him.

‘Who cares what those two think? Emma was caught getting taken from behind by her father’s nephew at her parents wedding anniversary so she has no right to judge us.’

‘And Sarah?’ She raised her eyebrow at him.

‘Sarah is a pathetic and nosy little wench who has nothing else better to do than to involve herself in things that’s nothing to do with her. If she did confront you about us she would be more devastated at the fact you didn’t tell HER rather than the fact that you’re fucking your step brother.’

Y/n chuckled against him as the song finished and they separated.

Timmy looked around and saw both women look away knowing they had been watching them and smirked.

‘We have an audience.’ Y/n looked in the direction Timmy nodded in and rolled her eyes.

‘They are unbelievable.’

Timmy pulled her into a corner and kissed her gently holding her face between his hands.

She kissed him back wrapping her arms around him before they broke apart breathing heavily.

After the party began to die down, Timmy offered to take y/n home and she immediately accepted even though Sarah had already offered to take her home.

Y/n went home with Timmy without hesitation. Both Emma and Sarah had been weirded out by both of their behaviour throughout the entire evening, even Chloe mentioned it at one point.

So Sarah decided to follow them home. Just to make sure he didn’t take advantage of her friend, because she didn’t trust Chalamet whatsoever.

Timmy and y/n were walking home talking about how decent the party turned out to be.

‘They could’ve had a better selection of beer, or any kind of beer for that matter.’ He complained as y/n chuckled finally entwining their fingers while they walked home.

‘I think she was going for sophisticated to impress the in laws so she had the finest wines and oldest ports and whiskey and scotch.’ He lifted their hands and kissed her knuckles nibbling each fingertip.

She watched him before he turned and kissed her gently before deepening it.

She kissed back and pushed him against the nearest building leaning into him as he wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her closer against him.

Sarah watched the entire thing in disgust as they broke their make out session and walked into y/n’s building together.

She walked home not believing what she had just witnessed with her own eyes and fathomed how they could do that? And why didn’t y/n tell her and what did their parents think?

Timmy shoved y/n against the wall with a thud shutting the door behind him and began kissing her neck sliding the hem of her short dress up he thighs and bit her shoulder.

Y/n gasped as he grabbed her thighs and lifting her up to wrap her legs around him and crushed his lips to hers in a rough kiss.

She ripped his shirt open letting the buttons scatter across the room as he pulled her dress off her body and carried her to the bedroom.

He dropped her onto the bed and removed his jeans and boxers in one go and crawled on top of her kissing his way up her body.

She breathed out his name as he nipped and kissed her chest as he slid into her making her gasp.

He entwined their fingers and pinned them above her head so she couldn’t flip them this time and took control as he began to move against her leaning down to capture her lips in a heated kiss.

He thrust harder and faster into her as she rocked against him panting into his neck, he freed her hands to wrap his arms under and around her waist and held her tighter against him as he slammed into her causing the full bed frame to hit the wall. She clung to his shoulders, as he rammed into her holding him against her, she grabbed his face and kissed him hungrily feeling his tongue slide in to her mouth and bit his lip causing him to slam particularly hard into her making her leap further up the pillows.

‘Timmy’ she gasped against his shoulder as he pulled her up to sit on his lap and let her ride him. She pulled him against her chest and bounced against him hard hearing him whimper and claw her back and even her waist this time as she rode him. They came together in a shaking sticky mess panting into each other’s mouths.

They fell back together landing at the bottom of the large bed tangled in the sheets damp with sweat and breathing hard.

They had no idea Sarah knew their secret now. All they knew at that moment was each other as they lay in each other’s arms kissing tiredly as Timmy drew circles on y/n’s damp skin where the sheet had tangled around her waist.

They fell asleep not knowing Sarah was in her own apartment telling Emma about what she had seen.

@sufferingstarlight

@gatoenlaciudad

@kteezy997

@lixzey

@tchalamss

[thefantasticreader]

We are here to help (Carlisle x 16 year old reader)

Summary: Y/n is best friends with the Cullens, but unfortunately for her she's been going through some hard times. After a month of not attending school and hurting herself she tries to end everything when it gets too much. but her plan is stopped when the cops are called. This time, Doctor Cullen Aka Carlisle catches her in a weak moment and agrees to help make sure she stays out of trouble after hurting herself.

Warnings: mentions of suicide, self harm, depression, the sad stuff guys, don't read if you don't like it or are triggered by it. And remember that there is a way out and there is always help you can get if you ever feel like the only way out.

Y/n swung her feet as she sat on the small table in the corner of the hospital room, the cop above her had a hand stuffed into his pocket and one hand on the gun holster. "Are the cuffs necessary?" Y/n asked from the spot as doors opened all around her. "Yes." He said sternly not daring to move his eyes from his post. "But I'm fine now. And I told you I slipped" This time he turned to her and sighed. "You slipped off the top of a building, you fell onto a fire fighter mattress (DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THESE ARE ACTUALLY CALLED?!) witnesses say you jumped, you're lucky you fell onto that and not your death. until we know you're not suicidal, then I will, so for now they have to stay on."

The door to the room opened and Y/n's eyes widened, Carlisle was looking at his chart and hadn't looked up from it yet. "So, a little accident, or a possibly suicide, how is the patient officer Carper?" "Minor scrapes, fell onto the mattress, couple bruises. possible broken bone, not sure. Witness said the girl jumped but she keeps saying she slipped." He nodded still looking down. Y/n shuffled in her spot to the point where she was halfway behind the cop, more so that her face was covered. Mentally she prepared herself for her testimony against the eldest member of the Cullen family, who unfortunately knew her like the back of her hand.

As Carlisle looked up from his clipboard he was shocked at who he had seen. If it wasn't for him already being dead he probably would have lost the ability to breathe properly. Letting out a small groan he stepped forwards to the girl sitting there uncomfortably while holding her arm that was in pain. "Alright y/n let's get that arm checked out. Officer you're released for now." he nodded and informed him he would wait in the hall. "So, the weather's nice." Y/n said after a long moment of silence. Carlisle nodded, "It is," he gently took the girls arm in his cold hands.

The cold felt comforting to the girl as he moved it about, little winces came and went as he moved it in certain ways. "By the looks of it this is a bad sprain but I'd like to get some x-rays just to be sure. Would you like to tell me what happened?" Y/n looked down at her feet. His voice grew low as he looked up at her slightly scarred face. "Did you jump?" her gulp was all that he had to hear to know his answer. "Why?" She shrugged a little. "I don't really know... I just...." her eyes glassed over and she sighed a little. "Come see me next time please. I'll do my best to get you out of this." Y/n smiled a little and thanked him as she sniffled. He patted her shoulder and moved towards the door.

The incoherent conversation on the other side of the door made the girl panic, but after a few minutes the cop finally came over and removed the cuffs. "Please be careful next time miss." he said as he left with Y/n nodding. Carlisle was stood outside the door waiting for her, "Let's go get that scan now." she followed him to the x-ray room.

THREE HOURS LATER

After getting her arm set she was put in a cast and had her minor scrapes cleaned and a few of the bigger ones cleaned up and cared for. Carlisle offered to drive her home after his shift since she wouldn't be able to drive and she agreed since she wasn't about to call her mom or dad to come get her. When his shift ended the air had gone rather cold and he helped walk her to the car as she climbed in. He shut the door behind her and buckled up, "Do you want me to take you to my place. Or go home? I'm sure your parents are worried." Y/n nodded at the pale man beside her but asked to go to his house.

She had known what they were for a little while now, but of course the concept was new to her, so things were still being put together here and there almost like a puzzle she was left to finish. When he pulled in he was greeted by his adopted children and his wife who helped open the door for Y/n.

Alice hugged her tightly, "Next time, come to us, we can help." she walked her inside. "You can stay in my room. It's cleaned up for you, and everything is put in place for you." Alice announced as you sat down on the couch. "Thank you, that wasn't necessary." Alice and the others shook their heads. "We are always happy to help." Esme said calmly.

After a few hours of watching movies and relaxing you thanked them for their help and went to bed.

Safe to say Carlisle will be watching over you the next few days as will the other Cullens to make sure you don't do what you did again. Throughout the whole thing they will always remind you that there is a way out and that everything will be ok and that they're there for you.

[andresmounts2]

Okay sooo Leighton Murray yap session incoming.

Rambling About How Much I Like Her

For starters, I love Leighton. I love her a little bit too much, but she's so silly & I think she deserves her own ramble post.

I really love the growth she went through over the show. She started off as this really nasty rich girl, and now she's a rich girl who knows & understands that she's privileged.

But I also love the little random scenes of her being a good friend & a good person, especially since she at the beginning she acted like she didn't like the girls. For example, her sneaking Kimberly her credit card so Kimberly's mom wouldn't have to pay for dinner. Or the way she did Kimberly's hormone injections, drove her to the procedure, and took care of her for a bit.

I also love that she's not just 2D, and her interests aren't just stereotypical for someone like her. Yes, she likes shopping & rich girl stuff, but she's also into math. (Which I think is cute, especially how she tries to deny it all the time) And her personality still shines through regardless, like making the professor make a big deal out of her being the highest scorer on that test.

Leighton & Alicia

I feel like these two dorks were a cute couple, but I don't know how I feel about them getting back together. Alicia claims to be this big ally of other queer people & she runs the women's center, but she constantly tried to make Leighton come out. Mind you, Leighton has only started exploring WLW relationships in college. She's known that she's liked girls for a while (she admits this when she's in the doctor's office with Kimberly & she says she was scared she was going to come out to her parents after her wisdom teeth removal) but she never "acted" on it until college.

Leighton has always been perceived as a cishet white rich girl. And one of her biggest fears is that coming out was going to other her & being queer was going to be her only personality trait (to others) instead of Alicia comforting her she basically says either come out or break with me.

I completely understand Alicia's concern about being closeted again, but that was no reason for her to treat Leighton like that after she knew she was Leighton's first real relationship. It blows my mind that Kimberly was a better ally to Leighton & she's not even queer. It was Alicia's right to break up with her, but bare minimum, she could've guided Leighton through this & gave her advice. Or she could've explained that being queer didn't have to be her whole personality & Leighton was still a 3D person despite her sexuality. (But I digress)

Leighton & Tatum

I feel like they were a less toxic couple & Leighton's little crush on her was extremely cute. Like the way she specifically went out of her way to play tennis to try to impress her. And I really like how Tatum treated the whole "coming out situation". She reassured Leighton that they could take it slow & validated her feelings. (Which is what Alicia should've done)

I also like that they chose that as an opportunity to show Leighton's growth. She finally stands up for what she thinks is right, and stands by her friends. I think it could've been a good time to have Tatum grow as a person along side Leighton, but they put her back with Alicia so whatever.

Leighton's Flaws

Leighton is like every other character & real person, she has flaws. She has done stupid stuff, but I feel like that doesn't take away from how much she's changed.

Like the first episode, where she berates her old "friends". Obviously, it was her fault they didn't want to room with her, it could've been nice to have her realize that she was the problem in that situation. Or reflect on it later in the season if she ever randomly bumped into them.

They also could've had a moment where she realized money can't fix everything. (Beside the community center thing, because she literally got a girlfriend out of that) Like she gets into trouble, or she tries to help somebody else get out of trouble & they sit her down & tell her that money can't fix everything in the world.

And the way she handled the disease situation sucked. Yes, whoever gave it to her didn't tell her, but she didn't have to do the same to another innocent girl. She definitely should've taken that girl aside, had an open conversation, and still paid for the meds.

[apomaro-mellow]

The Bright Side S01E03: Brace Yourselves

S01E02

Steve was watching some mindless tv when El came through the front door, bags in hand from the mall.

"Someone was busy", Steve commented as she placed them right on the coffee table.

"I went to the mall!", she exclaimed, exuberant.

"Clearly. Whatjda get?"

"I got some shirts, some new scrunchies, I'm basically revamping my whole wardrobe. Max said I should've when we moved."

Steve nodded along as he watched her take more stuff out of bags. He noticed two new bracelets on her left wrist. And then another two on the other.

"New accessory?"

"Some guy at a kiosk was selling them. And I couldn't say no."

"You gotta be careful around those kiosk guys. They're ruthless", Steve said. "Remember when me and Robin worked at a keychain kiosk?"

El got a haunted look in her eyes. "I'd never seen her so aggressively nice. But they're cute right?"

"Yeah. Cute. Just make sure you avoid their eyes. We kiosk folk can smell weakness."

"Aren't you working at a gas station now?"

"Once a kiosk guy, always a kiosk guy."

--------------------------------------

"You're still wearing that?", Max asked when El showed up to school with one of the four bracelets she had bought that weekend.

"I think it's a nice bracelet. And I don't have a ton of accessories."

"You know what that means? More mall time", Max decided.

"Hey El", Mike greeted. "Nice bracelet."

"Thanks", El blushed.

"Yeah, I really like the color, uh green."

"Smooth", Will rolled his eyes.

"Maybe I'll get more. They've got a ton of colors", El beamed.

"Cool", Mike said.

"Cool", she said.

"Okay, since we're all cool, how's about we get to class?", Lucas cut in before either one could trip over their words.

"I'm right behind you", Will said.

The bell rang and the whole group went into their classroom. El was determined to get more bracelets if Mike liked them so much.

----------------------------------------

After school, Jim and Hopper were in the living room, taking some planks out of a box when Dustin, Mike, Lucas, and Will all walked in without even knocking.

"Hello children who don't live here", Jim greeted.

"Where's El? Didn't she walk home with you guys?", Steve asked.

"No, she said she was gonna stop by the mall before coming back", Dustin said as he made himself comfortable on the couch.

"What are you guys doing?", Mike asked.

"Putting together a shelf", Steve answered as he removed the last piece from the box.

Will's eyes narrowed a bit. "Is this because of what my mom said?"

"No/Yes", Jim and Steve both answered at the same time.

"Little Miss Byers seems to think I can't put together a shelf as good as this Bob guy", Jim said, basically contradicting himself.

"It is a pretty nice shelf", Will said. "Now Jonathan had a place for his camera stuff."

"Yeah, well I can beat that", Jim said.

"I don't know", Steve took out the instructions and began looking through it. "This looks...not easy. Where'd you get this thing?"

"New place. Ikea", Jim said as he grabbed one piece. "It's a shelf. I don't need instructions. Just hand me that other piece."

Steve did as he was told and Jim started to hammer away at the shelf parts.

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, El was by the kiosk again, looking at the different selection of rubber bracelets. Not only were there several colors, but many of them combined colors. She wondered what Mike liked other than green. Maybe he'd like blue? Or yellow?

"Please tell me you're not thinking about which one Mike would like", Max said, arms crossed.

"What if I am?"

"He's a boy. And boys don't notice when girls do things for them."

El's face screwed in thought. "Like that time you wore your hair in a ponytail and Lucas didn't say anything?"

"Exactly! I spent like ten minutes getting it just right only for him to not notice! I was in the bathroom forever!"

"10 minutes is forever?"

"It's long enough. And too long for a guy who doesn't notice details. Like Mike."

"Mike noticed today though. Maybe he'll notice a new one. And maybe bracelets can be my thing."

"They most certainly can", said the employee, waiting for the right moment to strike. "These kinds of bracelets can make a statement. But if you want something more versatile..."

Some time later, El came through the door, five bracelets on each wrist and a suspiciously large plastic bag in her hand. All eyes turned towards her.

"...Whatcha got there?", Steve asked.

"Just some...stuff. Whatcha got there?", she gestured to whatever Steve and Jim were doing.

"Building a shelf!", Jim shouted from underneath a pile of shelf pieces.

"You know, eventually", Steve added.

"Why are you guys here?", El asked the boys.

"Enjoying the show", Lucas answered.

"Also, we agreed to hang here after school", Dustin said.

Will nodded. "Yeah what took you so long?"

"I was getting more bracelets."

"Well, we gotta be getting home now", Mike said. "Good luck with the shelf?"

"I don't need luck I'm an expert craftsman", Jim said.

------------------------------------------

The next morning, El jingled down the stairs, having evolved from rubber bracelets to beaded ones with charms.

"When Hopper said he needed to put a bell on you, I don't think that's what he meant", Steve said, already in the kitchen getting breakfast together.

"Where is he anyway?", El asked.

Steve pointed through the entryway towards the living room. El poked her head out and saw Jim sitting in his chair, staring pensively at an indescribable arrangement of wood that was supposed to be a shelf. El quietly went back into the kitchen.

"When did he get up?", she whispered.

"I don't think he went to sleep last night", Steve confessed.

El mouthed 'wow' and Steve nodded.

-----------------------------------------

Steve was in the middle of ringing up a customer while Robin restocked the candy.

"Okay, I've see another bag of Skittles I'm gonna puke the rainbow. Your turn to restock the shelves", she said.

"If I see another shelf I'm gonna puke. And it's not gonna be rainbows", Steve said.

"Your dad still hasn't finished the one he started. Hasn't it been days?"

Like on cue, the phone for the gas station rang. Steve answered it.

"Steve? Come home, I've had a breakthrough. But I need four hands for this."

Steve let out a sigh. "Four whole hands?"

"Today is the day this gets finished. I can feel it."

Jim hung up and Steve pinched the bridge of his nose as Robin walked over to the register.

"Uh, hey, isn't that your sister and her friends?"

Steve looked up to see El walking in the direction of home with another heavy looking back, bracelets up to her forearms and a few on her ankles as well. And if his eyes were deceiving him, some threaded friendship bracelets held her hair up. Steve held up a finger.

"One family member break down at a time."

-----------------------------------

Steve was aching and tired and Jim was sweating and the shelf was nowhere near being done.

"What are we even building anymore? A bedframe? A tv stand? I can't remember."

"It's a shelf and it's getting done whether it likes it or not", Jim said, holding his hammer threateningly at the object.

"You guys are obsessed", El said from the couch. The bracelets now went up to her elbows, up her calves, and there were even some tied to her belt. Rubber, beaded, threaded, charms and all.

"El...has anyone told you about your bracelets?", Steve asked.

"Mike said he liked my green one."

"Which one?", Jim asked, looking at her like it was his first time seeing her.

"Ummm, it'sss...it's around here somewhere", El said as she looked up and down her arms, moving other bracelets out of the way.

"I think you could stand to lose a few", Steve said.

"But bracelets are my thing!"

"Is not-standing your thing too?", Jim asked.

"I can stand!" El suddenly got to her feet but with her equilibrium off, she teetered before falling back onto the couch. "Well! Can you stand? You've been up for nights trying to build that thing."

Jim immediately shot up to his feet only to just as immediately fall face first onto the ground.

"Steve?"

"Yeah, Hop?"

"I'm callin' it quits with this shelf."

"Okay."

"Steve?"

"Yeah, El?"

"I think I should call it quits with these bracelets."

"Okay."

---------------------------------------------

"You don't need to ask Mr. Bob to fix it", Jonathan said as he snapped pictures of the mess of pieces. "It's actually a pretty good commentary about progress at the expense of tradition."

"Uh, yeah. Either way, make sure he makes it over here. I want a shelf. Not art", Jim said, swirling his coffee around. "What's happening out there?", he asked, gesturing to the backyard.

"A holy ceremony", Jonathan said cryptically.

All of the kids stood around El and Erica Sinclair.

Lucas stood as an officiator. "Do you, El Hopper, agree to relinquish all ownership over these accessories and transfer all titles?"

"I do", El said.

"And do you, Erica Sinclair, promise to care for these bracelets, so long as they are in your possession?"

"I do", Erica replied.

"Then let the transfer be done", Lucas ordered.

El and Erica shook hands. Then El slid all the bracelets on that arm onto Erica's. She did the same to the other arm. And then pushed a cardboard box with the rest towards her.

"What're you even gonna do with all those?", Dustin asked.

"Turn a profit", Erica said as she picked up the box. "Girl scouts go crazy for these things."

Episode 4

[rainderthesomeone]

Its official :>

I know I've said it here and there on a few posts on transgender stuff, but its a official, I'm trans :D

TW: I talk about abuse and body dysphoria in this post, you dont have to read the rest, this section is just me sharing my experiences in my teenage years with a homophobic as hell republican as a father.

I've known for a while like ever since I was in Middle School, I had a really hard time fitting in with other girls, I tried making friends with them but they were all into make up and dress's and talking about boys and other stuff, I made at least one friend in middle school but they left me for a group of girly girls, and I wasn't interested in what they liked, I was into a lot of things they were not interested in, I was a huge nerd, I liked games, Godzilla, movie production, comics, marvel, star wars, fnaf, dinosaurs, bendy, (not saying girls dont like these things, girls can like anything guys :D women are amazing I know a lot of amazing girls now :>) nothing they liked and when they saw that they weren't interested in me anymore, but I connected with the guys a lot more, but they always saw me as the girl who tagged along and needed to be treated gently, at first I had no interest in the lgbtq community or the idea of being something else other than what I already was, I couldn't even really talk about, since the topic of gay and gender ideology wasn't allowed in the house I used to live in, my father hated gay people, said they were wired, and shouldn't be his words not mine "frolicking around and being queer" da hell dose that mean? im still baffled by that, he's also that kind man who thinks lesbians are cool and gay men shouldn't exist, it was that level of misogyny and homophobia, looking at it now, it was really disgusting and disturbing, but I was 12 I didn't know any better.

but than as I got older I became more aware, and started questioning things, I was 13 in my room, on my phone, and I found this artist who was drawing deltarune characters, deltarune was also a huge eye opener to the lgbtq comunity for me, since kris identified as none binary, but I found one of the oc's the artist made and they identified as A gender, and I was like whats that and looked into it more and more, and than I went from I dont know who or what I am, to maybe im a demi girl, maybe im A Gender, maybe im none binary and than boom, it clicked, I went with they/them/there's for a while, but I began to feel uncomfortable, by being refred to as her, she, I started hating wearing a braw and how scratchy and annoying it felt, I began hating my chest, I stopped wearing shorts due to my legs being abnormally hairy and that girls arent supposed to be hairy, at one point my dad was going to put me through a hole body hair removal process which would have removed all my body hair, and he was going to do it without me knowing, until my mother told me, she was the most supportive person I had while going through this, I was litteraly terrified to say no to my dad, but eventully he didint go through with it, but I still wasnt allowed to have body hair, every time we went shoe shopping he tried to get me pink shoes, and brands women would only use, we went on a cruise and we had to dress up, but I didint want to since I would have had to wear a dress, blue jeans were the only thing I had that was close to guy clothes, I wasnt allowed anything remotley masculine, only my mom would let me have products like old spice, and she took me guy clothe shopping but it had to be in secret from my father, who would hurt me and my mother if he found out, not physically well he would probably slap me, but only yell at my mother, which still wasnt good, eventully we left his sad ass, and now me and my mom live in a apartment together, and from there I could freely explore who I was, a month later I came out as trans to my mother right after we left, and im in therapy with an amazing therapist and I have amazing friends who dont fully understand but support me in every direction, only triggering thing Ive experinced so far was not being able to change my pronouns to he him lol, Curse you school bored! XD

anyway sorry for the lenghty slightly depressing post, I just wanted to share my story here since I have the platform to do so now, the freedom of speech is very rewarding and validating lol, origanlly this was going to be a post about "guys I got my first chest binder oh and btw im ftm" but I wanted to get this off my chest no pun intended and open myself up more on here, the trans comunity on tumblr has been amazing so far, especially the tf2 comunity on here, I truly feel welcomed and comfortable being here.

lot of grammar issues in here, grammars not my strong suit plus its 11 pm for me right now, im heading to bed lol, good night everyone!

[dreamyquinn]

Día de Muertos

Día de Muertos (Day of the Dead)

Eddie Munson x Mexican fem!reader

Summary: It's November 1st and your neighbor and best friend shows up at your house only to find the strangest thing he's ever seen.

Warnings: Nothing really, maybe mentions of death, readers mom has passed away. Vague immigration mentions. Mentions of drugs, Some words in Spanish. Mostly fluff and a sad attempt at comedy. A bit educational on the holiday. English is not my first language so it may have some grammar errors. Sorry! Let me know if I forgot something.

A/N: This is a fragment of a way longer fanfic I'm working on that may or may not be included but because the day that I am posting is actually Day of the Dead I wanted to share this quick fic inspired by the holiday. I am Mexican an I wanted to take charge of the Latinas trope that love Eddie and firmly believe he would totally be into us. I haven't seen any other fic that is focused on that type of character so here's my shot.

------------------------------------------------------------

Your eyes squinted at the soft light of the sun peaking through your blinds. You heard some fuss coming from the kitchen on your way to the bathroom which continued while you were doing your thing.

Your dad was muttering gibberish as if he was looking for something, then you heard the heavy flush of water running from the faucet and your dad swearing. You finished quickly, washed your hands and hurried up to help your struggling father but as you approached the kitchen, a very distinct smell filled up your nostrils. It was a heavily perfumed scent, earthy and energizing, the peculiar memories coming to your head as you saw them.

Several bouquets of fresh yellow and orange marigolds rested on the dining table making your heart jump and a wide smile grew on your face. 

“Oh! Good morning, hija” your dad said, still struggling with a vase, his belly soaked in water and holding another bouquet. He smiled at your reaction to the flowers. 

“Where did you get them?” you asked, getting closer to the ones on the table burying your face in the blossoms and once more you sniffed deeply to experience that wonderful delight. 

“I was sure I wasn’t going to find any around here but your brother told me there was a flower store not far outside town so I went to check. These were all they had, so I had to get them all for her”

Your heart warmed up at his last statement and went to give him a tight hug, not caring if your pajamas got wet too. 

“Here, let me help you out” you said animatedly, taking the vase and the bouquet from his hands. 

Together you cut the long stems, removed the dead leaves and set little bouquets in the few vases you had. You needed a lot but only had four so you used whatever else you could find in the kitchen like bottles and jars you had around. Soon the entire living room had flowers everywhere and the smell had intensified, filling the entire trailer with the scent. 

Your brother came home almost as you were finishing up cleaning and he had brought a large box with other things. 

“Took me a while but I found mostly everything” he said, laying his purchases on the table. Colorful tissue paper, candles, oranges, candy, sarape fabric, ingredients for particular dishes and incense. You knew right away what was the plan for that day, you were building an altar. 

After your brother showed you everything and explained he had been all around town gathering things he immediately delegated tasks to everyone. He would take over the kitchen duties, your dad would be in charge of moving stuff around the living room to make space to build the altar and as the artistic one you were designing the layout. 

While all of you were working like the freaking seven dwarves, singing songs in the background, a loud knock broke the animosity of the family moment.

You got up to open the door where you found Eddie’s fluffy curls framing his usual smile as he walked in without asking as if he also lived there. 

Eddie was always welcomed at your house and he felt comfortable there. Your trailer wasn’t as messy as his, you seemed to have your shit together and there was definitely a sense of family and togetherness he never got to experience. A proper caring father and an older brother with whom to share a few things. Your dad at first wasn’t too trusting of him, not because of his looks or for what the rest of the town said about him but because as an immigrant he had learned to trust no one at all. 

But Eddie had gained his favor, after showing how much he took care of you. He became your very first friend when you arrived at Hawkins a few months ago, he drove you to and from school a lot of the time, he helped you to get by around town, always brought you home on time if you were out at a party and respected curfew times when you hung out at his trailer. 

Of course you both had been careful to not get caught in your little irresponsible adventures like smoking weed, getting wasted at the hideout when your dad and your brother worked the night shifts at the lab, or the occasional sleepovers where nothing beyond the occasional cuddle happened but you were sure that if your father found out he could probably pin Eddie down despite being significantly shorter than the boy. 

As soon as you closed the door behind him his smile dropped at the sight of what was going on. 

In the middle of the living room your dad had gathered three tables at different levels arranged as a ladder, and had a white tablecloth on them as a base. A lot of the flower vases and jars were placed on the different levels forming a frame, some blossoms were pinned to the wall to form an arch above the highest level of the altar. 

“Okay, what is going on here Y/N?” he asked suspiciously with wide eyes looking around. He sniffed and probably the scent of the flowers was too much for him as he had most likely never experienced it.

“You got here just in time” you said with excitement. “Welcome to your very first Dia de Muertos” 

“What?”

“Day of the Dead, silly” you translated and he turned like an owl to look at you, visibly unsure of what you were talking about. 

“It’s a Mexican tradition, Eds” your brother said as he opened up the oven to check on the bread he was baking, a rich, doughy and orangey smell reaching you. 

“What is that?” Eddie asked now curiously with his brown eyes shining at what your brother was pulling out the baking tray, looking like an excited puppy.

“Okay, okay, I think you gotta sit down first while we explain it to you, wanna help?” you offered. 

The holiday had some roots since the Aztec empire existed which were later combined with European influences of Spanish tradition during the conquest. You didn’t dive deep into detail on the history but you did cover the essence of the celebration. It was the time of the year in which the souls of your loved ones come back to visit you and the altar or ofrenda is a place where they can come to gather and be remembered, a moment to pay respects and honor them.

You explained to him the meaning of some of the elements included in the altar. The marigolds fill the air with a pure smell, their color represents the sun, a festive symbol which makes this a celebration more than a mourn. Lose petals form a path from the main entrance of the home to the altar as a guide for the souls. Water is placed to give rest and relieve their thirst to the souls after the long journey back home. Salt and the white tablecloth represent purity, so that the loved one’s soul is not corrupted and is able to travel among the living and the dead world. Candles also represent the light that calls them home. 

Eddie’s face was fascinated with everything, he thought it was pretty metal of Mexcian culture to celebrate death like that. You had asked him to rip out the marigold petals from a bouquet so you could make the pathway and he had been unexpectedly gentle with them which made you realize that behind that rough exterior of his hands he knew how to be delicate, after all he was a skilled guitarist.

“So, how do you say it again?” Eddie asked as he focused on a blossom.

“What?” you asked as focused as him.

“The flower’s name, in spanish?”

“Oh! It’s Cempasúchil”

“Cempa… cem… cempachills…” he struggled

“Cem-pa-su-chil” you repeated slowly trying to contain a laugh at his furrowed brow.

“Cem-pu-chill…” he tried again clearly frustrated as you let a laugh out loud “Oh Jesus H Christ I give up, I’m butchering the language”

“You’re a musician! Use that musical ear” you said playfully.

 “Nah, forget it. I’m now more interested in that good smellin’ thing your bro has over there” he asked, his mouth almost drooling while your brother sprinkled the golden buns with sugar. 

“That’s ‘pan de muerto’ or bread of the dead, don’t worry hungry boy you’ll have some” you assured.

“Yeah it’s made with the ashes of your loved one” your brother said in such a convincing voice that Eddie was about to say “Really?” when he saw your snarky smile.

You then gave him the colored tissue paper and showed him how to make papel picado, sheets of tissue with cut out designs that looked like little banners. You first folded the sheet several times to form a small square and then cut out shapes from each side and then showed him the best part came when you unfolded the tissue to reveal the final pattern. Eddie let himself lose with it and shortly he had a bunch already piled next to him.

“Ha! I win” he said, setting the scissors down looking at you with pride.

Once you were done with yours he helped you out to hang them across the ceiling of the trailer with the help of a string. 

As time went by the altar was getting filled with all the necessary elements you had been able to come by. Each level had sarape fabric spread across, candles, fruit, the flowers and you added a few cross figures. 

Your dad had disappeared a while ago in his room but was now coming back and you noticed that he had his eyes slightly red. 

“Now comes the most important element” he said, lifting proudly a beautifully decorated box that he placed on the dining table. He brought out a few framed pictures, clearly from different moments in time but with one protagonist in all of them: Your mother. 

He slowly approached the altar and placed them within the lower two levels. They had moments with both you and your brother as newborns, as toddlers, as teens, your parents wedding, family trips and some of her on her own. Then he stepped back and brought the biggest frame which held a picture of your mom on her own holding the flowers she got for her birthday. That picture had her purest smile.

Both you and your dad stood there and were joined by your brother, the three of you had a shared silence, pride and melancholy filling your chests. 

Eddie simply observed from the dining table and felt a clench on his throat that he suppressed by coughing but unintentionally broke you and your family’s trance. 

“I’m sorry” he said when your brother went back to his chores in the kitchen. 

“Don’t worry, Eds, that’s the whole purpose, remember? Honoring your loved ones” your dad said, going back to the box and pulling our other items. Their wedding rings, a little doll he had given her, her favorite record, other accessories, her notebook where she kept her favorite verses, letters and other trinkets she loved. All spread around the altar.

As your brother finished the meals he was making he passed you some other bowls with your mom’s favorite candy and cans with her favorite drink. 

“I’m assuming you added those because she liked them?” Eddie asked and you nodded.

“It is said that if the foods lose their flavor by the next morning after the celebration it means they ate it” you said mischievously.

“Have you ever experienced something like that? Have you seen them?”

“Well, we never had an altar before, we hadn’t lost anyone close to us. I only did this at school and generally you’d bring a picture of a loved one or if you didn’t have any you could choose a famous person to honor” 

“Who did you pick?” Eddie asked curiously

“Jimmi Hendrix” 

“Rock on!” he said, lifting the horns sign with his hand.

“Right?”

“They made her change it because he was a drug addict, so she picked a historical figure” your brother said, making you roll your eyes.

“Against my will, but I left Jimi’s picture on the frame behind the other dude. He was there” you reassured and Eddie laughed. 

All four of you stood again in front of your hard work. It was simple but bright and colorful, however something made you drop your shoulders and Eddie noticed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked 

“Dad, there’s no sugar skulls”

“They’re not like, super necessary” your brother refuted “I looked but nobody makes them around here” he added in defeat.

“We have her picture and that’s all that matters” your dad assured.

“What are they?” Eddie inquired, still confused.

“Back at home, there’s these human skull figures made of sugar and decorated with colorful sugar patterns and flowers, sometimes they add glitter or other embellishments. They’re fun, hard as hell to eat, but they’re an iconic symbol of the celebration.”

“This thing gets better and better each time”

“And, and it’s tradition that you can give them away as gifts that day, and you can write your name on the forehead of it, it doesn't matter if you’re still alive” you explained. 

“But we don’t have them here in boring Hawkins, yeah?”

“Nope” you replied defeated “C’mon, let’s eat before they leave”

The four of you sat together on the table and had a marvelous dinner of mole, a traditional dish of chicken covered in a sauce made with different types of peppers, spices like cumin, cinnamon, nuts and cacao. Rice as a side. 

Eddie wasn’t used to these kinds of wholesome meals so he felt like he could devour the entire thing in three single bites but kept control of himself to not embarrass you in front of your dad. He still stuffed his mouth on each bite, charmingly dripping some of the sauce by the corner of his mouth. 

Your brother never minded your cooking, he thought you had a decent touch but he made sure to show off how things should be done. You appreciated what he did because he got the closest to how your mom used to do it.

Once they were done, they packed some leftovers to take to work with their respective buns of pan de muerto and wished Eddie a good evening when your father and brother left for work. 

You hoped that Eddie would’ve stayed but suddenly said he remembered he had something else to do and would try to come by later if he could. With a little disappointment you still packed him some leftovers as well with another container for Wayne. Eddie ruffled the hair on top of your head playfully before leaving. 

You spent the next couple of hours cleaning around the mess in the kitchen and tidying up the living room so everything could be set by midnight. You also decided to dress up nicely, so you hopped in the shower, treated yourself with a facemask and afterwards you did your hair and put on a purple dress that matched perfectly with a black sweater you had buried in your closet. 

That sweater still had some hints of the peculiar perfume of your mom, you even noticed a couple of hairs still woven within the fabric, which reminded you of her beautiful curls. You also put on a flower crown you made with some leftover marigold blossoms.

You decided to take a minute to also do an extravagant makeup, traditional for the celebration. You painted your face with some leftover halloween makeup, tracing details and flowers around your eyes, cheeks and also added the distinguished elements of a skull, the nose, the sockets and the teeth. You also had some sticker earrings that looked like jewels so you popped those on. 

As you were almost finished it was around ten when someone knocked on the door. You were on your way to check who it was but Eddie had come in as always. He looked at you and stopped suddenly at the sight of you. He was surprised at first but then he felt fascinated at the artwork you had done on your face.

“Wow, what's that?” he said taking it all in, lost in every detail.

“This is a ‘Catrina’ face makeup. It’s another icon like the sugar skulls. The Catrina is a character illustrated by an artist, Jose Guadalupe Posada, but it was originally a satire to the upper class of the time. It is now a symbol of the holiday and mixes the paint patterns on the sugar skulls. Some people do this, they dress up”

“Looks pretty” he said looking at your eyes for a brief second “pretty cool, I mean” he corrected with a chuckle breaking the stare. 

You noticed he had brought a big plastic bag and his tin box. 

“What’s in there?” you asked as you leaned over the reflection of the window to finish applying some of the sticker earrings on your face. 

“Oh, I uh… I brought something that maybe could be up there at the altar” he said coyly and that spiked your curiosity so you approached him when he dropped the contents of the bag on the table, revealing small skulls painted with different colors that you were sure he had just made because the strokes of paint seemed rushed. Some of them had dots, others stripes, one had attempts of hearts, another had flowers.

“I don’t know what sugar skulls look like so I just painted them with the same colors as the little flags we hung up. I know it's not the same but I figured maybe they could work, I had these skulls from that one time Wayne and I decorated the house”

You didn’t say anything as you grabbed one and looked around at the details, your heart feeling warm. A smirk forming on your lips. 

“I also did this one, here” he said, getting a big purple one with stars that looked a bit more worked on. “I put your name on it. Also did these for your Dad, your bro and if your don’t mind I have one for me and one for Wayne”

“These are amazing, Eddie. Thank you” you said and closed the gap between you giving him a hug. When you pulled apart you shared a look and went to put them up in place.

Afterwards Eddie didn’t seem to take his eyes off you, mesmerized by the paint on your face so he asked if he could have his face painted because he wanted to match with you. You got excited at his interest and immediately sat him down, bringing your makeup bag and started to paint away. This was quite the moment between you two. You were pretty close to his face, his sharp features relaxed at the touch of your brushes, his soft breathing bringing you some sort of peace. Of course every now and then you would catch him staring at you, directly to your eyes. He found it cute that you lifted your right eyebrow each time you focused on what you were doing.  You were done pretty quick and as he looked at himself in the mirror he smiled big and complimented your work. 

“We look great” he reassured as you both stared at your own reflections in the bathroom.

“Hold on” you said running to your bedroom to get your camera and taking photos of Eddie then an attempt at taking one shot together. You would have to ask Jonathan for those prints later and he would be so confused.

You then went to the living room where you started to lit up the candles and incense. You brought some bread and hot chocolate so you could sit on the couch and wait for midnight. The time when the spirits actually arrive. Eddie enjoyed his third bun of the day and drinked half of his cup while the two of you curled under a blanket sitting on the couch, talking about random things.

He eventually turned quiet and distracted as you were babbling about something unimportant. 

“Y/N?” he finally interrupted you.

“Yeah?”

“So uh… I brought something else” he said as he stood up and went to get his lunchbox.

“Oh Eddie, I don’t think I’ll be smoking now, I don’t want my mom to see me doing it, she’ll drag me around by my feet to scare the habit out of me” you said and he giggled but you noticed that the joke wasn’t appropriate.

“Don’t worry, I’m not smoking either. I just wanted to ask… I know this altar is for your mom and I don’t wanna steal her thunder but, do you think there’s a little space for her?” he said and he pulled a decayed photo of a woman with a baby in her arms. She had big brown eyes, a soft smile, she had very pretty curls tied in a very voluminous updo. On the back there was a scribble “Eddie and Me, Indianapolis 1968” Your heart felt for him and his shy stare.

Eddie had mentioned her mom only once just to say that she was gone. You knew more about his dad, because he had ranted about him about four or five times and you never dared to ask anything about either of them. You didn’t feel you were there yet and it was a matter that only concerned him.

Without wasting any second you carefully grabbed the photo and looked around the bookshelf for a frame that could fit and once you swapped the pictures you set some space right next to your mom on the top level. Eddie didn’t move because while you did all that he was trying to contain the knot that was trying to explode on his chest. 

“Here” you said, grabbing one of the skulls he made that had flowers, and you also passed him a marker. 

“You do it, you have better handwriting. It’s Amelia” he instructed softly and so you did your best calligraphy to write her name elegantly on the skull’s forehead and then put it next to her picture. 

You decided to turn off the lights and let the numerous candles set a soft mood.You went back to the couch and under the blanket again, you were hugging your knees and he had his arms crossed on his chest. You silently admired your hard work of the day and the altar looked prettier than ever, the lights of the candles really giving a spiritual vibe around all the elements and colors. It smelled rich of many things, the flowers, some of the candles, sugar and the spice of the incense. Both of you had remained in a comfortable silence until Eddie broke it.

“I don’t think I’m ready to tell you about her. But I wanted to thank you for letting her be there” he said in the most serious tone he had ever used. 

“It’s alright, Eds. Whenever you feel like it” you reassured and another long pause took place.

“Do you really think they come over?” he asked as casually as he could but unable to hide some hopefulness. You looked at him and he looked back at you. 

There was a mutual reading between your gazes. You understood a few things from that: he had loved his mom tremendously, he also missed her and he trusted you enough to let you read that from his eyes, a boy trying to have faith.

“I hope so” you responded, picturing in your head both of them coming in together through the door and up to the altar where their children would be waiting. You felt the knot in your throat starting to form, Eddie’s apple going up and down and a glimpse of watery eyes.

None of you had broken eye contact, the longest you had spent like that ever, the soft warm light caressing your faces, both chests breathing a bit faster, you could hear your heart pounding in your ears, his lips parted slightly as you felt a force starting to pull you in and just as he had looked at yours, inches away from you, the flicker of a few candles blew off giving you both a jump scare that interrupted the moment, leaving you in more darkness. You both looked at the altar and only the candles next to your mothers were out. For a brief second you both felt chills down your spine, Eddie had uncrossed his arms and you let down your legs. 

It didn’t matter if it could be explained scientifically, in your heart you wanted to believe.

“They’re here” you said looking back at Eddie who was mixed between wanting to let go of his emotions and smile at the same time. He then took your shaky hand and held it but surprised you by intertwining your fingers with his as he squeezed tight, calming you down. You felt peace, you felt comfort, mutual company, mutual grief. But wait, were you about to?...You let out a sigh to shake that thought away, resting your head on his shoulder, staying quiet for the remainder of night. Both of you let some thin tears stream down your face until you fell asleep.

That night you dreamt of your mom and Eddie dreamt of his.

⚛ Feliz Día de Muertos! ⚛

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Ufff. What a day!

Mom’s not well. Seriously unwell. Yesterday I read to her for 2 1/2 hrs, but today I didn’t even get to speak to her because she was in so much pain. I am worried sick. Any day I don’t get to tell Mom I love her upsets me anyway, but this is obviously much worse.

For the fourth day in a row my right ear has been making irritating crackly/popping sounds. I’ve had tinnitus as long as I can remember, and I don’t mind that background hum too much. At least it’s steady. This comes and goes. This keeps making me look to see what I’m hearing, like it’s beside me. I go from “Is there a critter back there?” to, “Oh, wait. It’s me!”

I’d gotten up early to go do the shopping, a trip that did two things besides get necessities for the next two weeks.

First, I found out a guy I’ve been friendly with at one of the stores for more than a decade is probably racist. It was a vibe, a body language, a warmth shut down. Up until now I’d not seen him checking anyone out, since he usually was doing the grunt work of moving stuff. He’s always seemed okay with his coworkers, but the telling thing in life is how you treat strangers and those with no power over you. Not shocking for a white dude in the rural south, but depressing.

Second, I used up my money. Like all of it. I weighed buying kerosene for the hot water heater and getting gas for the pickup. I am so sick of boiling water, that I decided the pickup can stay parked for two weeks (after I move that big bookcase between houses.)

Putting the kerosene in the tank when I got home I discovered the work I did the other day had created TWO joints to leak, the settling filter to tilt too much to work properly, and the whole tank to lean too far.

Oh, and I’d forgotten to rebuild the cinderblock steps to reach the pour in hatch. Trying to fix it I squished a finger. It’s purple now. Like entire end of the finger is purple!

And the steps no longer got me high enough, so I needed a ladder.

I discovered that last bit when I spilled a LOT of kerosene. In my face. In my eyes!

My eyes aren’t happy, BTW, and are planning to remind me of this assault for a while.

The kerosene took forever to put in the tank. It shouldn’t take THAT long to go through the screen. That’s because it turned out to be full of junk, that I now hope hasn’t contaminated the tank too much more than it already was after all probably 70 years of non-stop use.

I went to Mom’s house intending to do little. Instead I moved the damn treadmill! It weighs a ton, has only two tiny wheels that barely turn at the front but legs at the back, and was an inch two wide to go where I intended to put it out of the way in the hall. I had to maneuver it out of the bedroom with no swinging room for all the stacks of books, and get it through the door even though the pole saw that I store up the stairs sticks across it. **

Okay, so it’s too big to turn the corners to any of the other down stair rooms, and’s WAY too heavy to carry upstairs (even if I had the space or someone to help me), so I get the brainstorm to move it into the shed. I only have to move everything in the front of the shed…

You know, stuff like the industrial pump and seeming miles of hose my brother got for working on the boat, a spool of rope for the boat that’s waist high, the broken lawnmower, three boxes of damn jelly no one will eat, and that sort of thing.

Then I just had to get it off the porch and across the yard without gashing the steps or wood of the porch, or digging a groove through the grass, or getting stuck, or….

The neighbor dog, the great dane that’s now my buddy came to help. By help I mean he went into the house while the door was blocked open and grabbed things to take away and shred in the front yard. Foam. Paper. Bags…

OMG! Is that the bottom of the lantern I was removing the dead batteries from??? NO!!!! Give it back!!! That isn’t a toy! STOP!!!

Replacing that lantern will cost me $40. If that dog broke it…

And I petted him. Because what does he know.

I “walked” the treadmill across the yard, waddling using the two tiny wheels. The dog ran over as it swung back and forth, and heavy as it was I couldn’t stop the swing. WHACK! Right into his poor head!

He seemed okay, and after a bit of comforting he was back to normal. Well, except now he had discovered a game of trying to leap over the swinging treadmill.

Lifting the front into the shed I hurt my back, though I wasn’t really aware until I was putting everything back in the shed on top of it.

Oh good. Now I just have to disassemble the shelves, haul them around, put the bookcase back together, fill the floor to ceiling bookcase, and then figure out where I can make space for another one.

I realized then something had gone with my ankle brace on the bad foot. I could barely put weight on it.

With the animals fed and the sun set I was ready to flop, when…the two pain in the ass cats stole my seat! Nony and Yow Yow are lovable as heck, or I sure as hell wouldn’t let them in, but GEEZ, I have one single chair to sit in in the shop house, and with the floor collapsed it will stay one. The least they could do is shove over….

Okay, my supper livened them up, even if it was nothing the would want to eat. I went to put them on the porch, and Yow Yow did her usual boneless flop, not even trying to put her feet under her, and letting her wet sack of a body block the door. Nony, being just the opposite, seemed to fly back into the house. This led to him running around the house, playing keep away, and chewing in the cord to the freakin’ space heater! I put him out and…

Yow Yow was back in the chair asleep!!!!

***sigh***

I can’t evict a sleeping cat. So I sit down by her and in seconds she is on top of me. Now I couldn’t reach the computer or my sculpey or go get a drink or… I mean, awwwww, she looks so cozy!

I’m worried, I’m tired, I’m hurting, and I’m grumpy.

And if I don’t get this cat off my lap I’m not going to get the hot water heater lit!

**It’s been “fun” carrying stuff out of that room stepping over the pole saw that’s knee level, unusually backwards because there was no space to turn around after I picked up the storage container. Stupid beloved books!

***I have four bookcases , three of them floor to ceiling metal ones like this, in my bedroom at the shop. But where can I put them in house packed with the contents of three houses? They need to go against a wall, since we are talking maximum filling. And it can’t be a wall that already has furniture against it or where that chimney leaks sometimes or near the heater. I’ve already got bookshelves in front of windows even, with paneling wedged in not to protect the glass like with a sane person, but to shield the books. Too many windows! I need a cave! LOL

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

I slept for 6 hours so now I have some energy to talk about how the SSI hearing went.

My hearing was in person on request of my lawyer because he said the hearings have better outcomes when the judge can see you directly. He also asked me if I could remove my mask during the hearing so the judge could see my face, which ended up being fine because the room was pretty empty and spaced out so we weren't breathing in each other's faces.

My mom and I arrived about a half hour before the hearing at a parking garage a few blocks away, and walked/wheeled to the courthouse. By the time we arrived and figured out where we were supposed to be we were about 15 minutes early which was the plan. My lawyer instructed us to be a little early so we seemed interested and prepared, arriving late is definitely a bad look in this situation. We were checked for weapons by a security guard and my lawyer took us back to a consultation room where we did a final look through of the information and asked each other any clarifying questions about the case.

My lawyer got called back first which was very stressful, I was worried the judge was rescheduling. What was actually happening was just some technical stuff about the onset date of my illness that didn't super matter to me. The judge felt he had enough information about my physical health but he wanted to hear from me about my mental health. He also decided not to have a vocational expert come in which was apparently both uncommon and a very good thing, my lawyer said it's usually the vocational expert that ends up giving him the most trouble.

When we went in the courtroom it was the judge up on a small stage with a railing, probably about 6 inches higher up than we were, a court reporter, my lawyer, and me. We talked for a little bit before going on record and the judge was very nice and understanding of how freaked out I was. He assured me that he just had a few questions and that my case was really well put together (thanks, lawyer! /gen). He told the court reporter to start recording the hearing and asked me to confirm on record that I was telling the truth to the best of my ability. From there on out the questions were about my day to day life and functioning. I really emphasized the social anxiety as my main psychological disability because it is the most disabling for me. I basically told him that even the hour-long meeting today was probably going to put me in bed for a few hours (which it did). I also mentioned my severe lack of self motivation and working memory as a reason why I would struggle to maintain a job. I think he was mostly convinced I was disabled and just needed to confirm that I couldn't do something customer-facing like reception or customer service.

After he asked all his questions we went off record, chatted with my lawyer for like 15min which felt like forever because I was so stressed and exhausted, then dismissed us. He also said that he thought I would be happy when I got his verdict in the mail which I think means he's giving me SSI?! But I won't know until I get the letter.

Tl;dr

If you have a lawyer who puts your case together well the hearing is actually not that stressful and I worked myself into a panic over like 20 questions that I already knew the answers to.

[chalterdh22]

Chapter 3: Am I Going Crazy….?

So, apparently, I’m crazy or something, because Grogu doesn’t speak yet.  And then I really think I’m losing it because when I’m close to him, I swear I see just little flashes of his thoughts.  I’m not saying anything to anyone about that though!  I don’t need any more third-degree stares.  It’s happened in the past before, though, just not this intense.

We walked into the kitchen, which is too small for 2 of us to sit in, let alone 3 plus a baby.  Nonetheless, we squish around the table.  I brought out 4 small bowls of soup and some bread.  I hand everyone theirs and sit.  We all started eating and then I realized Mando wasn’t.  So, I stopped, looked at him and asked if he was hungry.  “No, he can’t remove his helmet in front of people.” My mom states.  She continues to eat, not looking up.  I look over at him.

“That sucks.  So, do you just wait until we’re all done, or leave and eat by yourself?” I asked him.  I stopped eating at this point, feeling a little sorry for the guy.  Man, that really does suck, I thought.

“It depends.” He answers.  I sat there waiting for further explanation, realizing, nope, that’s it.  So, I pressed on.  This is fascinating and I always had a knack for getting information out of people.

“It depends on what?  Who you’re with, when, where?”  I asked.

“Yes.” He answers.

“I mean, you do actually eat, right?  You’re not a droid or something?  You eat, drink, go to the bathroom?”  Mom starts laughing as Mando looks back at me.

“Yes.” He states.  Ugh, seriously.  Take a joke.  He clearly has a decent sense of humor if he’s been able to tolerate mom. 

“Ok, ok.  Sorry.  I don’t mean to tease you.”  Yes, I do.  “It’s just very interesting is all.  So, you do remove your helmet to eat, wash and stuff, just no one can be around.  AND before you say yes,” I cut him off, “has Grogu ever seen your face?”

“Yes, and he has.  Just before he went away for….” Long pause here, “training, I showed him my face.  I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again.”  Sadness rang through his monotone voice.  “Now that we are a family, since I adopted him, I can remove my helmet around him.”

“Man, there’s a lot of rules being a Mandalorian!” I said.

He replied, “This is the way.”

After the three of us were done eating, I cleaned up, wiped Grogu down and showed Mando where his room was going to be.  It was tight.  A standard bed, a small cot and a little table were all that fits in it really, but it’s a place to sleep.  I didn’t think he’d mind either way.  “I’ll go get some blankets for the bed.”

“Thank you.  You’re very kind.”

“Not really.” I shot back as I walked away.  I grabbed some stuff and went back and started making the bed up.  “Let me know if you need anything else.  When you’re done eating, we’ll be in the sitting room.”

He nodded and said, “Thank you.”

I walked out and closed the door.  Mom was sitting on the ground with Grogu, and they were rolling a little ball back and forth.  They were both giggling.  It warmed my heart to hear this.  I sat down on the ground next to her.  Kids are funny.  They would stress you out one minute and become the most relaxing thing in the world the next.  “Can I have the ball?”  I asked.

Grogu looked up, and grabbed his little, metal ball.  He reached his hand out to give it to me and then pulled it back instantly.  He was laughing at me, making strange sounds like blowing raspberries.

“Oh, that’s funny, huh?”  I asked him.  He reached out again and took it away just as fast.  I got on my knees and crawled over to him with my head low to the floor.  I had a huge grin on my face.  “Can I please have the ball?”  I asked him, about 5 inches from his face.  He blew a raspberry right in my face!  Oh, it’s on!  I grabbed him and blew onto his neck and belly, making him squirm and squeal loudly.  I heard a loud sound as the door flew open from Mando’s room.

“Is everything ok?  I heard a scream!”  he asked.  He looked down at Grogu as I was holding him.

“I’m just torturing the little guy is all.”  I looked back at Grogu.  “He started it!”  Grogu blew another raspberry in my face, so I did it back to him all over.  He was losing it.  I finally put him back down.  He waddled away from me as fast as he could, right into mom’s arms.

“Was Suri tickling you?  It’s ok.  I’ll protect you,” she said rocking him as he cooed at her.  I looked back up at Mando who finally looked calm. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to cut your meal short.  You can go back and finish.  We were just playing.”

“I finished eating.”  He said standing there like he didn’t know what to do next.

“Have a seat.  We do have a chair over there, but I like the floor better.” Patting the floor as I said that.

“The floor is fine,” he said as he sat down across from me.  He seemed so uncomfortable, like he was unsure of how to be in a social setting.  I leaned my back against the wall and stretched my legs out, raising my arms, up, stretching and yawning at the same time.  I think he relaxed once he saw me do this, because he leaned back and straightened his legs out too.  Mom put Grogu down and he wobbled over to Mando.  “Hey kid.”  He said looking down at him, as Grogu climbed on his lap.  “You ready for bed?”  And just as quick as he asked that, Grogu’s eyes lowered heavily, and he was sleeping in his lap.

I was such a cute scene.  Things aren’t usually cute in my mind, but for some reason, this was.  Here was brutal, forceful, deadly man holding this tiny little critter.  I just couldn’t get over it.  “Good night, sleep well,” I whispered.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

'Shit Happens'

This is a post about parenthood and life philosophies and moral codes and how childhood experience (read: trauma) informs all of this stuff. It's also just an anecdote about Shit Happening yesterday. I know I always make this disclaimer, which is probably also born out of Childhood Experience, but I still feel compelled to, so...it's gonna be another rambler.

So I'll start way back in the day, when J and I were growing up. We were both poor. I mean, I didn't really register 'poor' when I was a kid, because everyone around me was also in the same socioeconomic place; my whole extended family; all the kids I went to elementary school with...because it was a small town/neighborhood school. But then we moved to a bigger district where there was a broader range of kids, which was good in some ways (more ethnic/racial/religious diversity; more resources because it's bigger and has more taxpayers paying in and some of those taxpayers are outside of 'poor working class'...), but that was when it became apparent to me that I was a poor kid. I lived in an apartment; the friends I was making in honors classes all lived in single family houses with yards and some of them had campers or boats parked around extended driveways and some of them even had in-ground pools in the back yard. Even if my emotional situation was better at home with my parents, I admit I'd have still been wary if not outright ashamed to invite my friends to my house (apartment), because they all lived in what I considered at the time practically mansions in nice neighborhoods (they lived in neighborhoods similar to the one J and I live in now, in homes like the one J and I live in now, and we have a camper now, and we're still not anywhere near 'rich,' but just for some realistic perspective removed from scraping by youth). J KNEW he was poor from his first sentient memories. His family used public assistance. He got free coats from charities at Christmas. He started working on his sixteenth birthday because he had to help his family, not just to save up for a car or work his way through college (which he did both those things, but I'm saying...J paid utility bills in high school). We both did without a lot of stuff as kids/teenagers. I remember when I got invited to Junior Prom (I know it was a pity date, because my friends who had dates for some reason wanted me to go, so a friend of one of their boyfriends asked me...like...I should have probably just stuck to 'no' but c'est la vie), I went shopping for a dress with my mom (I had to buy a dress; Pity Date bought the tickets and flowers and paid for dinner; we didn't get a limo of anything weird like that; he drove his dad's 1987 dark brown Cutlass), she said, "Jesus Christ, are they all over $100?!" I found a subdued, modest black dress for like $79 off the sale rack and wore it to every dance I got invited to, including the first company Christmas party I went to at my first job out of college. J never went to a prom. I didn't go to any extra-curricular stuff at school until I worked to pay the $2 admission tickets and $.50 Cokes in foam coffee cup concession prices myself. J didn't even do any of that. And when something happened that was largely or entirely out of our control that cost money (car accident, health problem, technology need for school like a scientific calculator, unexpected need to borrow a car/get gas, etc.), even though it was accidental or unpreventable or otherwise not really 'our fault,' there were consequences for us. I felt guilty when I was five and I broke my arm because I tripped over an untied shoelace. It was 'my fault.' I was careless. It cost my parents time and money going to an emergency room for x-rays and a cast. If J dropped his scientific calculator for high school higher math, and it broke, his choices would be to do without one now or find a way to fix it himself. We wouldn't get to borrow the car or the extra gas. If there was a problem that it took money to fix, it probably wouldn't get fixed, and if it did, we'd have been punished in some way for it; making up the expense somehow with work, hearing about it constantly up to and including verbal abuse.

Which brings me to yesterday. Our son's cell phone fell out of his pocket at school drop off yesterday morning. He didn't notice it. I didn't notice it. The school traffic monitors didn't notice it. Until our son was inside school. He called me on a friend's phone to check the car for it and please bring it to school for him. It wasn't in the car, or at home. It hit the ground in the parking lot, in the path of the line of drop off cars. It got run over at least once. Hell, I may have run over it myself. So The Boy spent yesterday at high school without a phone. J bought him a replacement and I picked it up for him during the day, so by pick up time, he had a new phone. And this conversation happened:

Boy: You and Dad already got me a new phone?! I should take the money (saved Christmas and birthday money for several years) in my wallet and pay Dad.

Me: No you don't. It's fine. You don't owe Dad for a freak accident.

Boy: It fell out of my pocket so there should be consequences.

Me: Not when it's not your fault, kiddo. ❤️

See, J feels good based on who he is and how he grew up that he could just take care of the problem for our son. And based on who I am and how I grew up, I wanted my son to know we're here to support and help him, especially when, as J says, 'Shit happens,' but even when he actually has made a truly careless or intentional mistake. We have made a lot of deliberate parenting decisions to try and spare and protect our son from taking too much responsibility or feeling guilty for things that aren't in his control...like accidents and the actions and behaviors and feelings of other people. But I realized that in spite of the choices we've made, our son can't help but have learned to model our own behaviors...where we take a lot of responsibility for not only ourselves, but events beyond our scope of control and the actions and behaviors and feelings of other people.

So now we're down to trying to help our son cope with and understand his tendency to do that while simultaneously dealing with understanding why we do it and coping with our tendencies to do it.

[gemstarb]

Well these last couple days have been eventful. The side of my bed frame that's fubar gave way as I was trying to sit up on my bed and plop it went on the floor. So I moved my mattress and box springs out the way, removed the metal brackets and moved my mattress and box springs on the floor. Told my sis this wasn't safe for me to be on them on the floor. Nearly had a spider come at my face that night. Told her and she was like "Oh Damn"! So I'm like fuck that shit back on my uncomfortable couch in the living room. Today was half rest day. Nap Queen Whoop Whoop! Got in two naps on the wrecked part of my hip. Don't know how I can sleep on that side. Then I finally put my Art Cart together in order to move all my art stuff to the living room. My sister and her hubby are trying to find a frame for me or figure out how to fix the one I have. This was my Mom's hand down after she moved out her apt and I took it.

P.S. we do have Brown Recluse's in our apts. They come down from the attics through the walls. I fuss and cuss at them. Like " You spying asshole get the fuck outta here"!🤣🤣🤣

Yes we have the Orkin Man spray up in here sometimes.

[okidenshi]

Saw your tags on the chronic condition post and I feel that so hard. I've been sick for the past month and haven't been able to eat much as a result. I've been able to do maybe 10 hours of work over 4 weeks and have only had a few days where I can sit and play video games for more than 30 minutes at a time because I've been nauseous and in pain every time I eat. I'm having an endoscopy done tomorrow and I hope they'll be able to figure out what's going on because lord knows the ER didn't do shit (to the point that the GI doc I went to was FURIOUS with how little they did. I literally got put in a corner of a room, alone, with a screen in front of me and the nurses forgot I was there (which wasn't even the worst part of it).) I have two more dr appointments this month after the procedure and I'm hoping that, between the three, they'll figure something out because I'm so bored and tired and sick of not being able to take care of myself (Plus I miss exercising :( ). Glad to hear you're feeling better!!!!! It also gives me hope that I'll wake up one day and not feel like garbage lol

Aw man i'm sorry you're going through all that anon :(( I've been/am in a similar boat of course, especially w/ GI stuff.

(lol ok i went on for a bit so read more it is)

GI isn't my main problem area currently (pelvic floor my detested), but since childhood my tum was/was been the BANE of my existence lol; and ohhhh I feel you about the ER man- one of the most acutely painful experiences of my life was at 1:00 AM where all of a sudden my upper stomach/chest was just. it felt like it was strangling itself to death- i could barely breathe, i threw up just because of the pain. Mom rushed me to the closest ER, a small baptist one 10 mins from the house. They rushed me back and took some blood/did an IV, but by that time the pain was passing. They kept me for 3-4 hours, but had no one on site that could do an ultrasound.... all they could offer me was an x-ray, which wouldn't show anything anyhow. Doctor I talked to said it could have been 1,000 things, was guessing it was some really bad food poisoning........ exactly a week later, same exact scenario ensued, Mom rushed me to a different ER.... they did an ultrasound and literally said my gallbladder was about to burst & was full of gallstones :))))

Unfortunately getting my gallbladder removed didn't really solve my GI health- if anything, it kind of harmed it... I developed heartburn, and later pretty sever constipation. I developed colitis, and then later proctituis. Doc put me on stool softeners & miralax, and now I literally cannot pass stool's w/o taking those regularly.

Though I will say, before getting my gallbladder out, I also had a LOT of trouble eating food- I lost like.... 40+ lbs without trying to. I also would get fairly lightheaded/dizzy/just not feel "right" a lot of the time. I'd defo suggest getting an ultrasound done if you can to rule out gallstones from the "list of 1,000 things that can cause GI issues" :'D

I also had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy done (which i hope yours went well btw!) within a few months from each other, even after the surgery cause I was still occasionally getting pains, some just as painful as before the surgery- I likely think I have stray gallstones just. fuckign shit up. in my body. lol. That or they're like. kinda stuck int he bile duct were my gallbladder used to be... at least thats what the sickos on reddit have said :'D

Anyway, this all to say is I FELL YOU ANON :(( And I also miss exercising!!! i literally developed such a great scheduel for morning walks when i lived/worked at home, and was so excited to continue doing that after i moved- but tbh walking/exercising was so triggering for me because it's usually my time to focus/relax and all I could think about when walking was how much pain i was in/how I couldn't focus on the music... now i'm unreasonably scared to start back up again :(((

Though on the brightside, even tho i still am in pain, I am defo in a way, way better place than I was a year ago. It was so scary being in an amount of pain where I just... thought about not being here anymore JUST because of the pain. That was scary for me, esp since I felt like I should have been ontop of the world after moving.

But yea, defo doing... better :'D I hope the trend towards a more painless future continues, and that you get some answers/relief of your own anon! You got this and you're not alone! :D

[medicinemane]

Well, spent like the last hour sorting the big box of paper I'd filled from a bunch of storage room boxes, and putting it into like... books, magazines, mail, shit I don't feel like dealing with right now

(The random shit box with like old drawings and stuff... it doesn't close, so I'll have to go and repack it, maybe sort it further)

Anyway, also went down and resorted the stuff I'd given mom to sort and instead of a box with just random mail and a box with random magazines, I removed the magazines all together back up to this floor, and I took out like... 20-50 pieces of mail, like less then a third of a much smaller box and I set that out

Fucking sucks having to like... artisanally arrange junk mail in the vain hope that my mom will finally feel up to sorting through a couple old envelops but... best fucking shot I have I guess

Also, found something I thought she'd really want. Years back one of the cats died who she was really close with, I know she's still upset about it (I am too, but... who cares, you know?). Anyway, I found an unopened little puffy envelope that items get mailed in

Inside I found this little pendant type thing that's something like... "I loved you then, I love you still, I always loved you, I always will, to my cat", going around in a circle around art of a cat

So I figure she's want it and I'm like "by the way I found this" (and for some context, she always fucking sits in the dark with nothing but the screen for light) and she recoils in disgust and it's like... what? Do you think I set some fucking dead bug on your thing you put your keyboard on? (No, she later said it looked like a parasite out of a star trek episode which... yeah, I totally have access to literal aliens from star trek)

So I'm just kinda like... no, this is something you want, and I got the light on and I read it for her cause I knew she wouldn't be able to read it, and she was just kind of like... "oh... ok..."

Man... I was trying to be nice to you, fuck me I guess

[destructive-ilya]

long ass messy explaining of today:

well he hit/choked my mom for just trying get our stuff to leave like he had a tantrum we do for leaving a light in our room on at night w us in it and didn’t like taht she barked AT HIS SCREAMING then because he got arrested when he came back (me and dog locked out could remove our stuff had to wait until officers came to like help/oversee) he screamed get out off property then started throwing rocks and bricks at me and nova , keep in mind busy city suburb she has no collar or leash atm (inside and also all of our stuff) so the only safe place is in gate until we can all leave together(either to take her seprate but safe which is why from 9/10am-2pm i was trying to find smth) if she was out that gate she’d be gone. his sister JUST lost a dog in a car accident at same time as he was trying to force open gate while i begged not to shes get out and officers and my mom onw that second to get our stuff and remove us someone else walking by had a dog get out of their leash and he was trying help them “cause i just lost a dog this way” EXACT SAME SECOND

then he like ran off, at the throwing bricks point called 911 (cause i was supposed to anyway so we could remove stuff ) when i was on phone i gave wrong street twice in the panic so it took forever at this point i’m at 2% then officers come plus my mom with water (have had none except the two i asked some guys behind their gate for eternally grateful) and guy has disappeared (hiding out friends place hoping we just leave (everything we own?)) my mom calls him and officers talk to him he says half hour doesn’t get there for a full one and while waiting trying to figure out what to do for nova that’s best for her and maybe we could see again, they decide we could put her in a car and take to station with us u til we could get a shelter, then he shows up and chucks like only a couple things out and when officers walk through HE JUST LIES saying all of ours is his. upwards of thousand dollar worth of food maybe more considering spices (he had border nothing except what we’d given before we even went just cause he had nothing) my toiletries?? a tub of irreplaceable items , photos of my papa who died, birthday card, pictures sent to me, art and drawings given to me/done in treatment, my mom’s computer, a water bottle, a sport bag with my stuffie in it, and some of my clothes and some other things cooking supplies, my dogs food what? for his cat? (he doesn’t deserve that cat, absolutely love not fault on)

and he can do that, they knew he was lying but it’s his residence and it’s like there isn’t anything to do besides sue, i wanted my things back. had to have officer go back for a back pack cause it had my wallet and a cash app card w my name and my mothers meds so i mean he gave that over eventually , and then with like a bunch of stuff just thrown in his back yard we needed to like figure out what had what’s gone and what throw away cause can’t bring that much, and as going throw officers are like we don’t want to stand rushing over you while you go through causing forgetting things, so just call 911 when your done and we’ll come escort you and dog then, they leave, maybe 5 or 6:30, phone is dead now, got rid kf two thirds then he did come out while sorting for his garbage , like yeah we’re in way but it’s almost 8 we were calling that second and finishing up, he’s screaming off property and shit talking again, we were where we were supposed to be i said i’d just deal with his trash if it was so heinous n he didn’t want us touching. he wasn’t supposed tp b there til we had left . so we wait for officers it gets dark and cold and drizzly 5hrs go by nothing i’m just watching creepyass bugs on pavement after i magiver a leashe waist harness thing for her anyway something happend and all cars were redirected no one came until 2/3 am and they were SHITTY mostly mom talked to upfront , nova had been laying falling aslee but she did bark at them cause ya know middle of night she has no food no sleep watched some shit w all of us taday, and they’re like no. and can’t at night anyway no resources too late. so now we’re back in old apt w border nothing comparitive go 24hrs ago just until morning and it’s 4am and i STILL HAVENT SLEPT