#my only excuse is the very generic real life and mental health got in the way

[overanalysingfandoms]

It's Third Life/Scarian Robin Hood AU time!!!!!

If you want context, I've already posted quite a bit about this au

I should really make a masterpost

Anyway, I've had some ✨️thoughts✨️

Prince Grian is well known in the castle for enjoying going out on walks unaccompanied unless it's by his handmaidens Pearl and Lizzie, no guards are allowed on his private strolls

He says they give him some peace and time to think outside of the chaos of the castle and tends to go on more of them during stressful times, often in a crisis if he is needed he can't be found because he's gone on a walk at the worst possible time with his handmaidens

They're just something those in the castle accept as an oddity of their Prince

In reality, there is nothing relaxing about these 'walks' as they're merely an excuse Grian uses to go and visit Scar and either spend time with him, or warn him of the Red King's plans in a time of crisis, especially if Good Times is in danger

The walks started when Ren first devised a plan to capture Good Times and Grian claimed he needed some 'fresh air to calm his nerves' before such a special mission was carried out (depsite the fact his role in the plan was to stand by Ren's side and watch). As soon as he was out of view of the Castle, Grian immediately sprinted to Magic Mountain to warn Scar and the rest of The Resistance. He showed up out of nowhere, with Pearl and Lizzie on his tail, blabbering about Scar being in danger and the King trying to capture him and making no sense. It took Scar taking Grian to the side and doing breathing exercises with him to calm the Prince down enough to explain coherently while Pearl and Lizzie caught the rest of The Resistance up on the problem. Together they then sat down and formulated a plan which succeeded in preventing Good Times' capture.

From then on Grian would use the same tactic to warn Scar whenever Ren and Martyn were plotting. Prior to this The Resistance and their spies had to rely on 'chance encounters', hidden notes and safe houses but with this new tactic they were able to meet up far more frequently.

Ren of course was initially on edge about sending Grian out of Dogwarts' walls unguarded but Grian argued he had his handmaidens, combat training and constantly being surrounded by guards is suffocating. And the more Grian went on his walks the more ok with it Ren became.

Grian, of course, begins to visit Magical Mountain more and more frequently with worse and worse excuses that nobody questions because they all know he's just coming to spend time with Scar. The only one who doesn't realise this is Scar himself who wouldn't dare question the excuses lest he give up his chance to flirt with his handsome prince.

So yeah, feel free to send in an ask, I'm always happy to rave about this idea

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I break off an old friendship with someone who stayed by my side despite my mental and general life issues, after everyone else had left?

This friend from high school had been a great friend, kept me company when I was all alone, supported me through two bad breakups, we went to the same college and we were very close.

Until I started talking more openly about politics, being queer, mental health etc. She's the facebook liberal type, slightly left of center. She gave me the freedom to be more open with her by being cool with taboo topics, then turned sour when it extended beyond what she knew. Examples, she'd change subject if I talked about queer media when normally she's telling her friends how she had a sleepover with her "wife" and saw each other naked. She was surprised to learn that you're not supposed to out someone against their will. She believes cops are bad only in USA. We're not Americans.

She started being open with me too, she told me how she hated it when her classmates talked about their favorite music, how she hated any fandom stuff they talked about besides discussing fanfics with another fandom friend, how she makes excuses so she can go wherever she wants alone and not with friends. She told me she spies on my exes on facebook insta etc and tried to tell me what they've been up to and only stopped telling me about after many requests and explanations as to why that made me really uncomfortable.

A few months ago she and I had a fight, she exclaimed that my politics was too American (I'm just an average leftist like most of 30+ tumblr and my other friends), that my politics was too fandom oriented (she avoids fandom so much she has blocked activists for even hinting at being a fandomgoer, like discussion of racism in fandom is waste of time and silly to her, fan-anything can't be taken seriously), mocked me for having childish interests (just knowing pop culture in general) then we stopped talking.

After some months she texted that she really misses talking to me as I was her only "progressive friend" who understood her when she wanted to discuss feminism, movies, world politics etc. She said she needed me to be her gateway to pop culture knowledge as I knew so many cool new things. She begged me to be friends again, and since I missed hanging out with her a lot I started chatting again. But I told her that it was hard for me to forgive her and I'd leave for real if she hurts me again.

This time she let go of the normal daily stuff we used to talk about and only stuck to Topics of Debate. She asked me to teach her progressive thinking, educate her, but when I asked if she wanted to touch on lgbt+ topics or physical -mental health related topics outside of her comfort zone of basic sexual health, she danced around a lot instead of giving an answer. I snapped and asked yes or no, she said no.

I asked her if she understands that even if she didn't feel like those topics were her priority, I'd probably want to talk about them with her as a queer neurodivergent person and friend, would that be an issue? She kind of ignored it to say that basically her priority was just local political gossip, religion, and a little bit of solarpunk stuff, outdated at that. I was disappointed but let it go and we decided to talk later.

The other day she messaged me with her usual gossip about how her friends are being too excited about some music stuff and what book she thinks I should read (we have completely different taste). And I got a panic attack. Since then I've had multiple panic attacks at the thought of having to talk to her.

She has been one of my oldest friends, she supported me and took my side in every breakup I had and she forced me to go outside when I was severely depressed, she was practically family, but now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. If I bring up any topic she dislikes she's going to turn away, if I come out to her as trans she'll joke and start to avoid me, she doesn't want to learn anything new even though she takes pride in being a great learner, if I talk about things that make me happy she'll ignore it. I don't know if she'll go and tell others how cringey my interests are. Maybe she'll go to my exes and tell them I used her as support and threw her away when she didn't meet the standard as that's been a line of thinking among my exes.

I'm also struggling with BPD and anxiety, so maybe I'm hating her now and will want her back later, it's my brain being a jerk? I think I'm overreacting and she won't do any of these, but I also feel so drained after we talk these days. I need friends who I can talk to about mundane things, friends who share memes with me and tell me what anime they're passionate about, what new recipe they liked, instead I feel like I'm just there to drag her down with my issues and politics and dumb jokes. But multiple people think I used and discarded them for not agreeing politically, I'd usually disagree but what if I am the problem and I expect too much?

So I'm asking, am I being a jerk if I cut her off?

What are these acronyms?

[seaweedstarshine]

Hi! Long time no yap but I've been really bothered by this thing and I know you're just the person I can go to with this (even if we don't always end up agreeing at times).

I got into a tiff with someone in a comments section of a post that was about Amy (Which character do you think deserved to become a villain? or something similar). They brought up Amy's abuse of her boyfriend. I may have tried to defend Amy (key word is tried. I am officially rubbish at debating) but then I may have said something? Because they said that I (and apparently a lot of other fans) was excusing Amy's abuse because of her trauma. It got me stumped because isn't young Amy's treatment of Rory rooted in her trauma? Did I miss the memo where we separate trauma and abuse? Am I missing something?

That statement bothered me a lot because if there's one thing I never want to do it's defend an abuser. So here I am, humbly asking and hoping to clear the muddy waters.

Your really confused and disturbed moot, Tia 💌

TIA!!!!! Thanks for the ask 💌 , and I send you all the hugs.

Discussion of abuse, trauma, ableism, infidelity, and unhealthy relationship dynamics beneath the cut.

(First off… while I really appreciate your faith in my explaining skills <3 <3 <3 my passion for traumatized characters and mentally ill+neurodivergent rights doesn't make me especially qualified to fully clear muddy waters especially not knowing the full context, but I feel you, and what follows is my informed perspective!)

Speaking generally first, harm done in media is best examined by the impact on the audience, with a different lens than harm done to real people. While relatable experiences in media can be useful and validating and incredibly important, you can’t be “defending an abuser” when the abuse is fictional. It's actually normal for traumatized/ND/mentally ill people to project onto mentally ill villains, when villains are the only significant representation for those stigmatized symptoms in a media landscape that excludes and demonizes us simply for existing. RTD can't stop people who hallucinate from reclaiming the Master's Drums and projecting onto the Master, for example — 90% of the best Doctor Who psychosis fic by psychotic authors is about the Master, whether RTD likes it or not. It's not true crime.

(This is speaking generally. Amy Pond is very much not the Master.)

Abuse is a behavior, and there can be many reasons for it, but reasons based in trauma don’t make it not abuse (some forms of generational trauma can propagate abusive parenting styles, when the parent thinks abusive parenting is normal, or lives entirely vicariously through their child). This absolutely should not be taken to mean trauma correlates with abusive behavior; rather that abusive behaviors from traumatized people are more likely to present in specific ways.

Abuse is also a targeted behavior, based in control — not consistently displayed C-PTSD symptoms as seen in Season 5 Amy Pond through many aspects of her life. Mental health symptoms don't become abuse just because they hinder one partner from meeting the other partner's needs. Any life event can do that.

Without knowing the context of the arguments, this is the aspect of their relationship I've seen you talk about before (which I also feel strongly about), and what I assume is what you were debating? So, here I will talk specifically in regard to Season 5.

We all know Amy — she's never attached to Leadworth because she never wanted to leave Scotland, no steady therapist because none of them stick up for her, can't stick with one job yet her first choice is a job that simulates intimacy because her avoidant behavior (a known trauma response) isn't sustainable to her wellbeing. Rory knows her fears of commitment stem from her repeated abandonments, it’s why he’ll always wait for her, and it's why he blames the Doctor “You make it so they don't want to let you down.”, who apart from having caused a lot of her trauma, has actively taken advantage of her being the “Scottish girl in the English village” who's “still got that accent,” because he wants to feel important, so yeah, I think interpreting Amy's issues (and how Amy and Rory transverse them) as Amy abusing Rory indicates a fundamental misunderstanding of their relationship, as well as a misunderstanding of the (raggedy) Doctor’s role in Amy’s formative self-image (which of course she works through in Season 6, but I am sticking to Season 5).

Abuse is always based in control. That just doesn’t fit here. While Amy's detachment from her real life includes things like calling Rory her “kind of boyfriend” (which she is upfront about to his face; differing commitment levels isn't abuse, though it can be a relationship red flag for both parties IRL) — her Season 5 disregard of Rory’s feelings occurs only in response to the fairytale embodiment of her trauma. It's never a response to Rory; it's a response to the Doctor, who stole her childhood and led her by the hand to her death. She cheats on Rory with the Doctor in her bedroom full of Doctor toys, drawings, models, she made from childhood to early adulthood.

(And yes, like many repeatedly-traumatized people, Amy is prone to being sensitive and reactive. Take her “Well, shut up then!” line in The Big Bang; but given Rory responds to this by hugging her, clearly he doesn’t take it as her actually dismissing him. He knows her better than that.)

And by no means do I meant to imply this is fair to young Rory, poor Rory, who's left struggling with the feeling that his role in her life is in competition with the role of her trauma (aka the Doctor). But not every unhealthy relationship dynamic is unhealthy because of abuse. Labelling Amy's treatment of Rory in Season 5 more accurately isn't the same as excusing her harmful choices — but making mistakes is part of being human, Amy's mistakes are certainly understandable, and she works through them out of love for Rory.

If there's one thing to say about Moffat women, it's that Moffat allows his female characters the same grace that the male characters *coughTENcough* have always had, to hurt and struggle and make realistic mistakes and overcome those mistakes and to heal without being demonized.

Amy isn't perfect, but she is a fully realized character, and her story gives us a resonant depiction of childhood trauma.

[letmeinpplease]

Buckle in kids, the Barnaby Brooks, Jr. Defense Squad is holding a meeting.

So I gave up on the argument with my BIL. Below is, essentially, the essay I wrote trying to explain why his particular opinion of Barnaby sucks. I decided not to send it because I realized that frankly, even if I'm right, it's not going to change his view, so it wasn't worth my time. Instead I figured I'd send it out into the void that is Tumblr to hopefully get some good faith interaction.

-My BIL's best friend watched the show specifically to understand our argument and said Barnaby "had no signs of mental illness, maybe just some trauma."

Bullshit.

Bro has at least an anxiety disorder and, given that I have one and that man is showing every single fucking trait I did before being diagnosed, I will die on that hill (I did also check the DSM for non-anecdotal evidence related to my specific disorder, and I'm pretty sure he meets the GAD criteria). Regardless, PTSD is, in fact, classed as a mental illness (specifically subclassified as a form of anxiety), and you can't watch the show and tell me he doesn't have PTSD.

-BIL's BF also said that Barnaby has a shitty, unlikeable personality with very little to redeem him through the end of Season 1.

Bullshit again.

There's literally a slow progression of him getting steadily better (both mentally and as a person) throughout all of season 1 and into season 2. I don't have time for a full watch through to rip small details, but you can literally watch Barnaby change in real fucking time. He's not the same person at the end of season 1 that he was at the beginning. Maybe its the hyperfixation talking, but I genuinely don't understand how you can watch the show and not catch the little, incremental ways he changes throughout season 1. And on that note--

-You don't have to like Barnaby's bitchy, shitty behavior in early Season 1. You literally aren't meant to. It is bitchy, shitty behavior, and it's stemming from unrecognized and/or unmanaged mental illness of some kind (even if it's only PTSD) in combination with Maverick's upbringing. It's an explanation, not an excuse, and it's realistic as shit. His support network is literally Maverick and Samantha. I'm not even gonna get into how much fuckery the Maverick component added to Barnaby's mental health, social skills, and general world view, cause I really should not have to. As for Samantha, I always got the vibe that they loved each other, but they rarely communicated, so he doesn't have much going for him there.

Why is this relevant?

Because Barnaby doesn't know how the fuck to deal with Kotetsu's shenanigans or his own issues, so he lashes out. Once he actually has and accepts a support network (Kotetsu), he starts to improve as a character. Wanna know why I clocked that? Cause I did The Exact Same Fucking Thing. I had 0 friends in high school because I was a constantly on edge due to unrecognized anxiety and PTSD (obviously at the time I had no idea why I was so angry all the time), which made me a reactive, short tempered bitch. I got better in college, and that was because I was in a different setting and around new people, which provided me the exposure I needed to realize "something might not be right here." The little support network I formed at college helped me learn how to manage, how to interact with people, and how to manage my reactiveness simply through exposure (i.e. I figured it out as we went and apologized when I fucked up, they were not expected to take any sort of responsibility). Recognition of my issues later led to going to therapy and getting a diagnosis. We are literally watching this happen with Barnaby. Season 1 is the first time in Barnaby's life that he has a significant influence outside of Maverick. We are literally watching that exact same growth over the course of the show.

-And that brings us to Barnaby's motivation, which I have another post on, so you can totes skip this paragraph if you want. Once he gets past the revenge arc Barnaby is literally just trying to do what makes him mentally okay. That's literally it. That's what everything he does from then on boils down to. Granted, it's not as obvious early on, but it's heavily implied at the end of season 1, it literally feeds the plot of The Rising, and he outright says that's what he's doing in season 2, and it's backed by his actions throughout. He's still helping people while doing it, so it's not like it's to other people's detriment, but he's prioritizing what he needs and what could make him happy. You gotta put on your oxygen mask before you can help others, and that's a hard but important lesson to learn when you're mentally ill. Prime example is that I had to end a friendship last week because her mental health issues were worsening mine, and she would not accept any form of boundaries. I wanted to be able to continue to support her, but you can't save someone if you're drowning. Additionally, I think it's hard for people to get what it's like for your only goal to be to feel okay without the context of being mentally ill for Literally as long as you've had memories (and I'm not even exaggerating there, pls don't ask about my childhood fear of toothpaste). Seeing that shit reflected on screen is Refreshing As Hell. Barnaby's not in it purely ~to help others~, or to avenge his parents, or for the sake of justice, or anything like that. Barnaby is Literally just a guy trying to find something that makes him happy, and is clinging tooth and nail to keep whatever he finds (namely, his partnership with Kotetsu).

-Basically, my view boils down to this: You don't have to like Barnaby as a character. You don't have to like his coping skills, or lack thereof. But Barnaby is a fantastic representation of what its like for some (key word SOME, I'm not gonna claim my experience to be universal) people dealing with long-term unrecognized mental illness. You can hate him, but when the show outright gives you all this context showing you Exactly why he acts the way he does, and then shows you how he makes an effort to change, you should at least consider it before just saying "he's an asshole and that's that." Also, recognize that if you can't see the representation he provides, He's Probably Not For Your Benefit (why yes, this IS another "importance of representation" post). It's so rare to get realistic portrayals of mental health in the media, and even less so with genuinely Good characters, so frankly, it enrages me when people just disregard the Mountain of context provided in favor of saying "oh, he's just an asshole" (looking at you, CA: Civil War era Tony Stark hate).

[palettepainter]

(very brief spoilers to MHA)

I’ve wanted to make this post for a while now and the only excuse I have for not making it sooner is simply because I’ve just been busy, and whenever I’ve had free time I’ve just been too tired to want to make it. I recently had a panic attack, I got a horrid headache that’s only just started to go away - and now that I finally have a moment to just sit before I get onto commissions I decided to make this post 

This is more or less for my MHA followers, but to anyone else in general who follows me this could be just a general life update for you to.

As you have all probably figured I’m really into the Muppets right now, the Electric Mayhem are getting a new series on Disney+ in spring so I’ve been really excited about that and putting a lot of my energy into these characters when I’m not working. I’ve been keeping up with MHA loosely, I’m more or less up to date with the manga up until the fight with AFO and Kurogiri gets released again. The site I used to read the manga on I think got corrupt? One day it just wasn’t working so I haven’t been able to see anything about the manga past that point. I haven’t been able to catch up with the recent episodes for reasons mentioned above: I had a panic attack, I had a bad headache - just largely reasons related to mental health and my own emotional well being right now

I’ve spoken about my mental health before on here - mentioning anxiety and worries with money and probably other things too, but I’ve never been blunt about all the details. I’m not used to being an open book like that and when it comes to being online I try to keep my real life and my art life separate (that’s one of the main reasons why I don’t post pictures of myself to my art socials anymore). However my anxiety and other variables that weigh on that are such large points about my life that dictate how I act that it’s hard to not keep that a private - especially when it affects how I draw or how often I draw, when I post and so on

Anxiety at the moment has really been weighing on me heavy for pretty much this past month, a few days ago it came to a boiling point which resulted in a panic attack, and I’m still feeling a bit on edge after that experience. There are other things at play going on behind the screen, it’s not just anxiety and feeling nervous it’s a lot more then that (anyone who has anxiety will agree that anxiety is a lot more then just those two feelings). It’s stuff I discovered about myself that I don’t feel ready to share with many people, especially family, so sharing it online is something I’m no where near ready for and I don’t know if I ever will - but the main point with all this is that with how I’ve been feeling, I can’t bring myself to watch MHA at the moment with the current arc it’s in

I love MHA and it’s characters I LOVE Ectoloader, but MHA is entering possibly it’s most intense arc yet, there's a lot of themes in it with the characters I’m sure a lot of us can relate to in some way especially with some of the behaviours the characters display. I’ve got MHA stories in the works, I still want to make keychains of some of my MHA OC’s, potentially of the characters too if they sell well, but right now I’m just not in the right mood to be watching MHA right now. 

I guess you could say that, for now, I’m going on a break from MHA - I made a post about this but I mentioned how way back in June 2022 I hit a really low point, The Muppets was something new, silly and fun for me to focus on. And while they have helped, just being able to talk and draw these characters who are just trying to form one bit chaotic family unit, I don’t quite think I ever got out of that funk from June

That’s pretty much all I have to say, I don’t feel comfortable sharing too much of what’s happening behind the scenes, but I’ve been meaning to make this post for a while just to give my MHA followers an update on why theres been so little art for that fandom. If you managed to read all the way to this point thank you, and I’ll post another update whenever it is I feel ready to come back to MHA 

[ezziefox]

Writing this because idk what to do

My family isn't the best. We're black, if that tells you anything already. They're not the loving type. They're not the type to care about mental health. They're not the type to see rationally into anything. If you can't do this for them, then they don't know what to do with you, and they feel "sorry for you" when you grow up and have to go out into the real world.

Ffs, my mother literally admitted to her friend on a phone call that I was the first and only person in my family to go around and tell family members that I love them when I was younger. My family, especially my parents, are the type to be like "well I grew up this way so it's an excuse for my behavior and how I treat you".

You know, for the longest while, I thought my mother didn't know that she was wrong for certain ways she spoke to and treated me. But on that same phone call with her friend (we sleep in the same room as I'm visiting overseas and other family occupy other rooms, so I kind of have no choice but to hear her conversations), she said something along these words to her:

(we're Caribbean if the wording sounds weird to you, so I'm trying to put it into a way that would make sense in proper English)

"you see the way how you grew up? With your parents hugging you, and telling you they love you? I didn't grow up like that. So..." Blah blah blah, I don't remember. But it was then that I realized that she is aware that she hasn't been the best mother. But instead of using her experience to better herself, which she should've done from the very beginning when my brother and I were born, she instead uses it as an excuse for why she treats me the way she does.

For example, I was ill a few days ago, and I've never learned to swallow pills, so I usually crush them up if I can to take them. But since this pill was a gel liquid pill or sth, it wasn't supposed to be broken or anything. Instead of trying to support and help me like I guess any other parent would, she belittles me about it, even as her friend is on the phone. And I hear her friend trying to 'jokingly' tell her that it's common for people to just be unable to swallow pills and whatnot, and stuff basically trying to tell her in the nicest way possible to go easy on me. But she doesn't listen, and that's when she speaks to her friend about that whole "how she was raised" thing.

Recently, another issue came up that I can't be bothered to explain since I already did so on a different platform, and I'm feeling frustrated again. What she said and her tone with it completely ruined my mood. I didn't feel like to watch my yt videos anymore, and I also didn't know what to do. I debated coming on here and ranting about it versus staying in my head. But I knew it wouldn't do me any good to let this negativity stay in my head, so hopefully this at least does something.

I don't know what to do or what I want at this point. You never truly know better until you've got it. But idk if I would like a better relationship with someone who comes along, because then it would only drive me insane. It's not like I'm an adult and financially capable of leaving them and keeping them out of my life as much as possible. So if I truly do experience something totally different and better, it would drive me crazy to know that there's even better out there, but I have to be stuck with these people until otherwise. So I'd rather just be stuck with them until I can escape and give my head a break—when I can finally, actually, and more safely meet new people and reshape my life and the people I surround myself with.

So while I do want better... While I do wonder what it would feel like to have someone there for you, who understands you and whatnot, I also don't want it, because it'd be a constant reminder of what I don't have and will never have until I reach of age and stability on my own. And that frustrates and kills me.

It's not only my mother. It's a generational thing, so it's more than just her. But she's the one who pissed me off in this moment. I just wanted to capture my feelings before they capture me.

I may delete this in the morning when I come to my senses ig...

Sigh.

[astromechs]

Hopefully this isn't seen as too forward but I could hug and kiss you for explaining so eloquently how Vader was done well in a way Thanos wasn't. I don't want to get into my complicated history but it actually hurt to see people making excuses for Thanos when I and people I know have been in similar abusive situations as Gamora. It wouldn't have mattered if Thanos was decent every day pior, that doesn't excuse his actions in IW. The fact that some people not only found it acceptable but also retrospectively tried to sweep under the rug all the past treatment Gamora endured, was unsettling to say the least.

Another thing that made me uncomfortable is the fact that right or wrong to a large portion of the audience Thanos is white and Gamora isn't due to who plays/voices them. I do find audiences/fandoms are ready by default to side with or identify with characters based on those those traits. There were a lot of excuses for Thanos floating around different fandom spaces while scrutinizing the actions of characters that actually loved Gamora and whether Gamora was worth ressurecting at all. I've seen people surprised by some of the dismissal of Gamora after vol 3 but truth is people started doing it after Endgame. I saw suggestions of who could replace her on the team and it was always white characters or those played by white actors.

I'm still trying to sort out my feelings regarding vol 3 and how much I feel it did to support Gamora's character vs what could have been better. Either way more people should be seeing the strength in Gamora's character. She got dealt a crap hand twice over and still managed to be so much more than Thanos made her. There were some really great character beats and shifts for her in vol 3 that people are missing and I hope that changes.

that's really what was so unsettling about this, and about how all of it was excused or dismissed; there are too many parallels with the way abuse gets excused and dismissed in real life, and real life people are affected by this. i don't even have those experiences in my personal history directly, having only worked with that particular form of trauma secondhand as a mental health professional, and i was deeply unsettled by not only the portrayal within infinity war itself, but also the discourse after it and what has still endured in the years since — so i can't even imagine the full horror of what it's like to be watching all of this go down with that in your history. i'm taking you into my arms, dear anon 🫂

there really is that element, too, just like you said, of gamora being played by a woc and thanos being played by a white man, that plays into a lot of the racist tendencies of both general audiences and fandom specifically. as i'm white, i don't feel qualified to speak on all the nuances of this, but it's something that's very much there and something i've very much noticed with respect to, in this particular instance, how gamora's character gets treated. that also gives this whole... undercurrent to the story of what thanos did to gamora, taking her from her home and her culture and assimilating her into his own design for what he deemed she should be, that i think a lot of people aren't thinking about.

and i'm right there with you; i, too, am still sorting out my feelings about vol 3, especially with respect to gamora, because it's very complicated! there was good stuff there, but i also wanted a lot more and don't think she got nearly the amount of focus that she should have, especially with the narratively seismic events of infinity war and endgame. it really sucks to see people just... sweeping her under the rug. she deserves better than that.

[cannabisexual]

As a late 20s living in the early 20s, what's your opinion on this decade so far?

hoo boy, what a question that is. first off, thanks for asking! i guess it's kind of a tale of two lived experiences, because the contrast is just that extreme.

on one hand, i'm finally at a place in my life where i finally feel like i'm properly stepping into the world and living more or less how i want to. i've got a pretty solid teaching job, a loving spouse, four lovely pets, and the two of us were lucky enough to barely afford a down payment on a relatively cheap house back in 2021. also, i feel way more comfortable in my sexuality and gender identity than i ever have in the past, so that gives me great peace of mind as well. it has taken a long time to get to where i am today, and in that sense i'm happier than i ever have been before. i know my place in this world, and life is good.

...on the other hand, however, i have serious concerns about the future. we have all these fucking asshats in control all over the world, some literally older than TV, and all of whom seem hell-bent on ending all life on earth as we know it just because their precious feelings are hurt too much. these motherfuckers are gambling on a future they will never live long enough to see, and will never face the long-term consequences of their actions, such as they are. i have spent so much of my life working my ass off as a 1st generation immigrant to the US, always trying my best to do the right thing to get to where i am. in large part, i have greatly succeeded. i did everything that was ever expected of me and more, with the general expectation that i had a more-or-less guaranteed future ahead of me as I was guided through life early on. seeing these self-important dickheads callously treating other people like they're garbage makes me really angry.

i have always wanted children, and i still do, but at the moment i'm not convinced this world will be one worth raising them in anymore. or at least, one that will inspire the same kinds of dreams and wonder and excitement that i once had as a child myself, and to an extent still do. sometimes i consider what's going on around me and go "what is the point anymore", and that's a real fucking shame. we should all be looking forward to tomorrow, but unfortunately that is hardly the case for anyone.

none of this even begins to address current geopolitical conflicts/tensions, all of the systemic issues we have in the world, and the amount of discriminatory and racist legislation being shoved through much of the country i live in. all of it has had a severe impact on my mental health. i could go on, but i'd be here for hours.

so yeah, that's my general outlook on life and the world around me. on a personal level, things are going reasonably well, but in the grand scheme of things we probably are might be fucked. call me naive, but i figured that in this day and age humanity might have finally gotten its shit together long enough to secure our species's continued existence, especially as a survivor of an attempted ethnic cleansing/genocide. after what my people and i went through, i didn't think it'd be possible to see humans treat each other like that again. but no, clearly i was a fool for thinking like that. there are too many selfish assholes out there who clearly didn't pay attention to "sharing is caring" in school and want nothing but whatever benefits them and their sphere of influence. the only difference is this time some of them have nukes and are looking for an excuse to use them. and even if we don't blow ourselves up, we're actively destroying our planet and there's very little the average person can do about it, which is depressing as all hell. i genuinely fear what is to come for our species in the near future, but all we can do is keep moving and control what aspects of our lives we can. in general i try to focus my energy on the positives and less on the negatives, because devoting too much mental and emotional energy to the latter just leads to endless misery, and i can't handle it anymore. i've fucking earned some goddamn peace and happiness in this world after all i've been through, and saying that shouldn't be controversial.

thanks for the ask, friendo! it's rare i get to share my thoughts like this.

[sincerelyangelina12]

Letter # (1/10/24)

Dear Eliza,

The other day I saw that you had liked this post about people who'd essentially been ghosted by their friends, they'd tried to reach out and got crickets for months, or something like that. And I couldn't help but feel this pit in my stomach that you thought of me when you liked it.

There's also this part of my brain, the evil vile part that stole what was supposed to be the golden years of my youth, tells me that you A) hate me because of this in a way that's like you wanna curse my bloodlines for generations and you wish that I was dead and B) simultaneously couldn't give a fuck about me and you were thinking about someone else.

I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear or that it will make up for anything if you even care anymore. I never meant to be silence for this long. To become scared to leave the house. To be filled with this anxiety everywhere and anywhere I turn. For the first time in my life, I have to sleep with a fucking night light because I've gained a paralyzing fear of the dark. It happened sometime around August. I don't remember why, I just remember feeling this shift and being scarily aware that I shouldn't be feeling this way.

I know you don't want to hear that I was depressed. That I wanted to just not exist anymore. That I got so physically ill from my anxiety that I started losing my hair.

It's not an excuse. I shouldn't have hid away in isolation when you cared about me.

But I also feel that if you cared about me, why didn't you ever call me? Why didn't you make plans with me? You only did it when there was no one else around to be with you. Sometimes I feel like I was a void for a spot in your heart that is now filled.

You once told me your kinda-ex called you out on how you treated him like he was your boyfriend without any of the privileges of label of an actual relationship. I understand it. I remember exactly where I was when I understood. Sitting in English class, sharing a look across the table with my friend that you find annoyoing.

The petty part of me feels like it was justified. Yes, you reached out, but only a few times. You spent all summer hanging out with the rest of the friend group like you always did. You guys always hung out without me. I just tagged along because it would've been awkward if you made plans in front of me and didn't invite me, right?

You stopped giving me as much time once you got a boyfriend. Okay, fine, I understand you're gonna spend time with him. But to constantly cancel plans just to hang out with him or to lie about where you are, and don't act like you never did, so we wouldn't find out what you were doing?

He took my spot in all of your guys' cars, so I was never a thought to invite anymore when he was there. I didn't like him. Everyone else did. I never said a word about because I wasn't about to be the oddball out even more and lose the few friends I had. I was never jealous of him as a person. Just that he could have been anyone and everyone would forget about me in the blink of an eye.

You all probably hate me, don't you? A part of me feels like you always did.

It's justified. I still hate me too.

I spent so long rotting away this summer, you don't even know the half of it. My mental health has never been worse. Not to mention my rollercoaster of physical health. It's been a really rough year. There are millions of little things and big things I never opened to anyone about. I don't want to burden you with anything real. Because my reality is scary. I don't want to keep losing friendships and bringing down the ones I love. I'm feeling very TS Anti-Hero because looking back, I'm the main factor. Did I not try hard enough? Was I too harsh? Have my standards always been held too high?

I feel like my standards have to be when you spend your entire life getting bullied. I feel like I can't trust anyone. And once they prove to me that I can't or they let me down, I run.

SO I have commitment issues, FUCKING SUE ME THEN. You always talked about how you hate how people can't communicate but you didn't communicate to others how you wanted to be communicated to either.

I've never been my best friend's best friend. So I feel like it's justified when I leave. I'm sorry for ranting while I procrastinate my English paper.

Don't you dare think I just didn't care about you. I wish you knew the truth. I can hope and wish on every star all I want. I don't think you're coming back into my life. Not in the same way, not any day soon.

I still love you. And I miss you dearly, my once in a lifetime.

Sincerely your-probably-definitely-no-longer-best-and-maybe-not-even- a- kinda-friend,

Angelina

[everythingwritingg]

Writing Slow Burn Romances

@everything.writing on IG

Along with a lot of other romance tropes, slow burn romances are a common favorite among readers. It’s a lot more realistic than the insta love trope since no one falls in love instantly in real life (love at first sight is another conversation entirely).

Build the tension slowly. Let your readers scream for them to just kiss already. For example, Character A is showing Character B their cottage and on the way there, they brush hands ever so slightly. A month later, they’re about to kiss but Character B’s roommate walks in. Slowly, your characters should get closer to an actual relationship.

Show the little things. Perhaps Character B gets a little iffy when someone says anything critical of Character A. Or maybe it’s the long stares in math class. With romance in general but slow burn especially, your characters should not have to kiss to show that they’re in love. It should be the seemingly minor/little things.

Include events that slowly bring the characters together. This could include long car rides into the sunset, mall walks with coffee, stargazing and listening to crickets, or surviving nearly being eaten by a dragon. The events you choose to include will obviously be dependent on genre and plot, but your characters should develop a deep bond that could blossom into a romance.

Write body language adequately. Anyone who’s ever had a crush will understand the feelings of butterflies in your stomach every time you’re around them. Maybe even fidgety hands and difficulty making eye contact when you talk to them. When they’re not around, you’ll walk around with more spring in your step and anticipate the next time you’ll see them. Include body language cues in your novel!

At first, there’s usually denial. Character A may take a long time to admit to themselves that they like Character B, even if it’s obvious to the reader and/or other characters that they’ve got a crush brewing. They might claim they and the other person “are just friends” or some other excuse.

How do other characters react? Particularly if your character is an open book, other characters are bound to notice that two characters are falling for each other. Friends might start to tease, maybe even in the presence of the love interest. Most reactions tend to be positive, though some people will react negatively, for example, parents who want their kids to focus on school and not get sidetracked.

Don’t only focus on the romance. Slow burn can be frustrating since it can feel like things are going so slowly. You shouldn’t have to worry about adding subplots if the romance is a subplot, but if you’re writing a romance novel, consider adding other conflicts. This could be friendship or familial conflicts, or internal conflict with mental health.

So there we have it, how to write slow burn. It’s a commonly liked trope and doesn’t have a lot of toxic connotations to it. It can be done very well if implemented correctly! My favorite slow burn romances are Instant Karma, His Fair Assassin Series, and We Are the Ants.

[crimeronan]

Ok so I’m into the dreamer trilogy and haven’t read the Raven cycle...what is Declan’s characterisation/journey there?

THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST ASK I’VE EVER RECEIVED. IMAGINE I’M STANDING WITH MY ARMS SPREAD USING DIFFERENT VOICES AND HAND GESTURES TO REENACT THIS STORY FOR A RESENTFUL CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

also declan’s TRC storyline is like. equal parts horribly fucking sad and unbelievably fucking hilarious so. i will try to strike a Balance

FIRST OFF.  there is exactly one (1) declan POV chapter in the entire series. it happens toward the end of the last book. up until then, everything we know about him comes from the observations and narration of others.

he is also a very minor character.  his importance grows throughout the series, but almost all of his actions happen offscreen.  it’s not until the last book that we know exactly how much he’s been dealing with the whole time.

when he’s introduced in the first book, he appears as a plot device.  here is a two-dimensional horrible controlling hardass who doesn’t give a shit about anything but his future political career.  look at his fake, smug fucking grin.  how did someone like ronan end up with a brother like him??  doesn’t matter.  it’s a convenient excuse for ronan to live with his best friend in a drafty warehouse, which means more room for YA hijinks!

declan’s introduction scene is Embroiled in Capital-D Douchebaggery. according to the narration (from gansey and adam), he loves to fuck women and then never call them back, cozy up to powerful people, and bitch about how ronan’s ruining his life by being sad about their dead parents.  SOME people can just get over their dead parents, ronan!

this intro scene is also Extremely Funny i 100% recommend reading it even if u don’t read the actual series.  ronan makes a nasty comment, declan goes “why are you the way that you are” and tries to salvage his date, gansey utters the phrase “man whore”

then later that night things go like. actually bad.

declan shows up at the same pizza place where ronan is with his friends.  this scene is gansey pov.  gansey runs out to the parking lot to find the two of them Very Literally Trying To Kill Each Other.  you don’t see that violence in cdth - there’s only the TINIEST shadow of it when declan confronts ronan over matthew - so i Cannot Express Enough that someone is going to end up hospitalized at BEST. ronan’s already slammed declan’s head on the car, declan’s already grabbed ronan and beaten the shit out of his face, like.

you do not get good old-fashioned Declan Lynch At His Actual Worst in cdth. u might be thinking, THAT guy???? doing THIS????

oh yeah. things are real bad between declan and ronan.

after gansey breaks up the fight (and gets punched in the face for his trouble, albeit accidentally), declan tells ronan that their dad would be fucking ashamed to see him now & that he’s washing his hands of it & basically if ronan wants to go off and fucking die, he can.

this is like. just a couple months after the magical suicide attempt referenced in cdth

in the aftermath of that scene it becomes clear that ronan absolutely unequivocally 100% will kill himself if he has to live with declan. hence. why he’s living with gansey instead.  gansey spends that whole night petrified that the declan altercation will lead to another attempt, and for Good Reason

so like, that’s how we first meet declan. he’s an uncaring wannabe corporate asshole who does not give a fuck and who only exists to exacerbate ronan’s mental health issues.

but then the opening of book 2 gets real interesting.

book 2 is where we start learning more about the lynch family.  we learn that ronan’s father was a dreamer who sold his creations on the black market, we learn that that’s why he was murdered. we learn that ronan’s a dreamer too. we learn that there are very powerful people looking for the greywaren, an artifact that takes objects from dreams. those powerful people just don’t realize it’s a person, yet.

so here’s the assassin who killed niall lynch.

he goes to declan’s dorm.

with everything we know about declan, the kid should be completely unprepared.  he can box, but the assassin knows that, so there’s no real advantage.  he’s alone, and he doesn’t have an escape route.

declan pulls out a gun.

this is an unexpected turn of events.

unfortunately he ends up getting beaten half to death with the butt of said gun, because he loses the ensuing physical struggle for the weapon.  the assassin is like, i need the greywaren.  declan is like, i know it exists but i don’t know what it is.  i’ll find it for you.  i’ll get it to you.  then you’ll leave me the fuck alone

now with everything we know of declan at this point - his attitude toward ronan, his general demeanor, and this new knowledge that he knew about the black market - there’s one obvious question.

will declan sell ronan out if he finds out about the dreaming.

and like, okay. their relationship is antagonistic in cdth but it is NOT what it is in trc. believe me when i tell you that at that point, when you’re reading, you can pretty reasonably go, “oh, god.  oh god.  oh god please no one ever tell declan what the greywaren is.  oh god.”

declan has some other interactions with ronan and the gang throughout the book, mostly where he’s just a hardass who tells ronan to stop causing trouble.  adam’s the only one who notices that declan is scared.  like bone-deep shaking to the core petrified.  about Something.

probably getting beaten to within an inch of his life by the man who murdered his father.  that’s the reasonable reader conclusion.

so imagine how everything changes when you find out that declan already knows.  that declan’s known about ronan’s dreaming for longer than ronan has.  that declan knew exactly what and who the greywaren was, and he lied to a man who was ready to torture him for information, and he got away with it.

suddenly a lot of things recontextualize.

“keep your head down and stop making trouble”? people are gonna NOTICE your magic bullshit, ronan, we do not have time for this!

“stop hanging with that loser druggie friend of yours”? you mean the loser druggie friend who sells on the magic black market and doesn’t care about protecting himself or anyone else?

“i got super weird for no reason about ronan sleeping close to adam”? i don’t have fucking TIME to be homophobic i’m busy with your POTENTIAL TO MANIFEST NIGHT TERRORS IN FRONT OF WITNESSES IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

“i’ll find out what the greywaren is and bring it to you”? i’ll die. i’m making a bargain to die. i’m never giving you the greywaren and i know you’re going to kill me about it and that’s fine as long as my brothers are safe

ronan doesn’t know that he dreamed matthew.  declan knows.  he’s known the whole time.  declan tells ronan in book 3.  and then things recontextualize even further, because ronan’s death is also matthew’s, and matthew IS close to declan in trc.

but declan never tells the goddamn truth unless it’s his last option.  he doesn’t tell ronan that he knows about the dreaming and he doesn’t tell ronan what specifically wants to hurt him and the lack of communication fucking destroys both of them.

in the last book, ronan realizes declan loves him.

more than that, he realizes declan’s loved him the whole time.

this is when declan finally tells the truth.  things are getting bad, plot-wise, and declan is scared, so he comes clean.  he tells ronan that niall specifically tasked declan with protecting ronan from the market.  he begs ronan to run from the danger.  “let’s pour gasoline on everything dad left and start over.”

this is also when ronan realizes that declan’s childhood was very different from ronan’s own.  and that niall and aurora lynch were not the same people to declan that they were to ronan.  and that their father’s decisions are what’s driven the wedge between him and declan all this time

(he’s still struggling with the cognitive dissonance of this in cdth. i don’t think he knows how to adjust his perception of declan to fit this new information.)

aaaaand the final scene with declan makes me cry every time i read it so instead of summarizing, here’s the important part:

Ronan delivered a sharp tap to the object, and a small cloud of fiery orbs sprayed up with a sparkling hiss.

“Jesus, Ronan!” Declan jerked his chin away.

“Please. Did you think I’d blow your face off?”

He demonstrated it again, that quick tap, that burst of brilliant orbs. He tipped it into Declan’s hand, and before Declan could say anything, jabbed it to activate it once more.

Orbs gasped up into the air. For a moment, he saw how his brother was caught inside them, watching them soar furiously around his face, each gold sun firing gold and white, and when he saw the spacious longing in Declan’s face, he realized how much Declan had missed by growing up neither dreamer nor dreamt. This had never been his home. The Lynches had never tried to make it Declan’s home.

“Declan?” Ronan asked.

Declan’s face cleared. “This is the most useful thing you’ve ever dreamt. You should name it.”

“I have. ORBMASTER. All caps.”

“Technically you’re the orbmaster though, right? And that’s just an orb.”

“Anyone who holds it becomes an ORBMASTER. You’re an ORBMASTER right now. There, keep it, put it in your pocket. D.C. ORBMASTER.”

Declan reached out and scuffed Ronan’s shaved head. “You’re such a little asshole.”

The last time they’d stood on this roof together, their parents had both been alive, and the cattle in these fields had been slowly grazing, and the world had been a smaller place. That time was gone, but for once, it was all right.

The brothers both looked back over the place that had made them, and then they climbed down from the roof together.

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

As an Infinity Train fan, I know Simon's death caused controversy for the crew for both the violence, the fact that a worse adult with a much lamer excuse got redeemed, & the writer's ableist comments in regards to Simon saying people with NPD deserve to be killed. I don't want anything like that for Izzy or Our Flag means death in general, ableism and double standards aren't cool.

i didn’t know that abt the writer saying ableist shit, that’s fucked up. but also i’d like to see a source for that, if possible.

i was never super involved in the infinity train fandom, so i was only tangentially aware that there were ppl unhappy with simon’s ending and i didn’t really dig into why that was. if i'm being honest, what happened was i saw a few posts where people were downplaying or justifying what simon did to grace as part of their argument for why he should've been redeemed, and i decided i didn't want to hear what those ppl had to say. like "oh, you think the white boy who tried to kill the black girl (twice! or, once, and the other time he tried to trap her forever in a prison of her own memories) should get redeemed? alright, cool, well i liked the ending, and i don't want to hear your opinions. bye."

so yeah, didn't get close enough to the discourse to know about the writer saying shit or hear the argument that simon's death was ableist. i’ll admit that i’m not super informed abt NPD, but i wasn’t aware that he was written/coded that way. like, genuinely asking, i don’t know a lot abt the writer’s intentions, so WAS he written to have NPD, or was that somewhat accidental? if it was intentional, i’ll take this back, but if it WASNT, then idk how ableist simon’s ending actually is??? obviously, the writer saying ppl with NPD deserve to die is ableist as fuck, but in and of itself i didn’t see simon’s story as a damnation of ppl with mental health issues. the only disorder i would’ve guessed he had on my own would be PTSD, and grace had the same trauma he did but didn’t make the same awful choices.

either way, i don’t think the Ableism part of simon’s death would be relevant to izzy, bc as far as i know he’s Not written to have NPD or any other personality disorders. obviously i also don’t want ofmd writers saying ppl with personality orders should die, and i don’t want to be told by the writers later that “oh yeah, izzy DOES have NPD and that’s why we killed him off.” but as of right now i don’t see an izzy hands death arc as being inherently ableist.

ngl also my memory of infinity train is pretty hazy and i thiiink the “worse adult with a lamer excuse” ur referring to is amelia? (was that her name? the old lady with the braid). again, it’s been a while, but idk if i’d call her WORSE. morality is a nebulous social construct but imo the two of them are like, at about the same level of grey?? from what i remember, amelia was fucking up the train with no regard for anyone else, but she wasn’t actively trying to kill anyone. simon didn’t know the train guys were like, real living people, so i don’t REALLY hold him responsible for that at first, but the way he treats grace towards the end of the season is uh. bad. even BEFORE he throws her off the train. but yeah, throwing his bestie to her death kinda brings him about even to amelia, imo

more importantly tho, when it comes to redemption arcs, i don’t know that it really matters if one character is Better or Worse or if they Deserve to be redeemed. amelia's redemption wasn't so much a matter of "well, the things she did weren't that bad," or even about other characters forgiving her. it was about her realizing she was harming people, and deciding to dedicate what's probably going to be the rest of her life to trying to fix the mess she made. simon's lack of redemption wasn't about "he's irredeemable" or even about how "he deserves this" (i don't think he deserved what happened to him. i dont think ANYONE deserves what happened to him. but narratively speaking, it was a very satisfying ending). simon didn't get redeemed bc he refused to change, he refused to accept he was hurting people, and when his feelings were hurt he responded way out of proportion (your best friend lies to you to protect a child that she KNOWS you'll kill if you learn the truth, so you trap her in a catatonic state and leave her to die?? alright). and like, yeah, he's a fictional character, they wrote him doing those things. but the story they were telling with grace and simon in that season (and the bigger story about amelia that they didn't get to finish) was a bigger conversation that just "this person is Too Bad to get a happy ending." there are certain types of characters that i would never want to see redeemed, but usually for bigger reasons than just "the thing they did was Too Evil to be redeemable" (like, i don't need to see a story about a racist cop being redeemed, bc racist cops are excused from any accountability every day irl). truthfully, if the writers are good enough, i could be sold on a redemption arc for almost any character. i don't see simon vs amelia as a "double standard" bc the choice to redeem amelia and not simon wasn't about "who's More Evil," it was abt what kind of choices can ppl make with to rectify the harm they've caused.

as for the violence of simon's death: yeah actually that was rlly fucked up i can't believe they did that shit on a cartoon network show. i enjoyed the hell out of it, but if i was like... [NUMBER REDACTED] years younger, i would've had nightmares for months. but also the writer's didn't WANT to be making a children's show, they said they wished they could've targeted a slightly older age bracket. also, this one's not relevant to ofmd, bc ofmd' is not for children and it is plenty violent

anyway, point is that i obviously don't want the ableism (which i didn't know about) to be part of an izzy hands Death Arc. but the tragedy of simon's death (bc it is a tragedy; even if you don't like him, you are supposed to feel bad for him) and the way it happened as a result of simon's refusal to change, those aspects of simon's death would be interesting to see in a death for izzy hands. idk if it'll happen, especially since con says he thinks izzy "wants to get better but doesn't know how" (which imo is debatable, but i guess that's how con's played him so far). there's a good chance izzy will be shown how to get better and will choose to get better, and i think that ending would be very well-written and satisfying. however, i know ofmd is gonna be chock-full of happy endings, so my point was just that i would be interested in seeing how the writers would do a tragic ending. my reaction to book 3 of infinity train was one of shock and horror and sadness, and that more than anything is the vibe of tragedy i would want for izzy's character

[nitpick7]

Ayo anyone wanna see my essay on why removing Anybody Have A Map made the Dear Evan Hansen movie worse? It is slightly long

Disclaimer: I did like the movie (I cried three times), but I think they made some stupid decisions with it.

Dear Evan Hansen movie + musical spoilers under the cut, plus a fair amount of DEH neg/crit

Instead of Anybody Have A Map, they just have Evan's mom say "Hey are you writing those letters to yourself? Also you should ask the kids to sign your cast" before he goes to school and sings Waving Through A Window. They ignore every other part of the song and quickly insert the only thing from the song that's absolutely needed to understand the story so Evan can go be angsty at school. We don't even meet the Murphys until they meet Evan in the principal's office to tell him about Connor.

Disclaimer part 2 electric boogaloo: I complain about Evan a lot here. It's not because I think his experiences aren't valid and it's not because I'm trying to demonize people with mental illnesses or something. I know that his own struggles influenced his bad decisions. That doesn't mean they weren't bad decisions. He still did shitty things and he wasn't justified (listen to Words Fail), but I know it was influenced by his mental health.

On with the complaining!

First of all, the movie opens with Waving Through A Window? It feels like they're putting the most popular song first as a desperate grab for your attention to convince you the movie is good and like... they really didn't need to do that. Waving Through A Window is right after Anybody Have A Map, it's not like anyone's gonna walk out of the theatre after one (really good) song.

Anybody Have A Map establishes a few things: it shows us that both of these families are struggling so that we know immediately that the Murphys' perfect facade is fake, it shows us that Connor was a dick to his family (this is very important), and obviously it tells us why Evan was writing letters to himself. It also introduces us to the two main families at the same time so we know this story isn't just about Evan.

By starting the movie with an Evan solo song instead of the group song, they frame Evan as the one main character, the only person whose perspective we need to understand. But Evan is incredibly flawed, just like everyone else, and by making us think the story is only about him, it immediately makes us (the audience) more inclined to believe that Evan is always in the right and less inclined to consider everyone else's side of the story. Evan is an incredibly unreliable narrator, he's always going to frame his actions as correct, or at least excusable, even when he's actively hurting/lying to other people.

All of the Murphys get introduced through interacting with Evan instead of interacting with each other. This makes it seem like the Murphys only exist for Evan, but the entire point of the climax is that everything doesn't exist just for Evan! Evan is not part of their family, he can't just use everyone around him for his own benefit, and all of the Murphys have lives outside of him. When they're introduced through Evan, they're introduced as existing for Evan. Anybody Have A Map introduces them separately from Evan instead of attached to him.

Without Anybody Have A Map, we never actually see Connor being mean to Zoe, so she just looks like an asshole for not being sad about her dead brother. To make up for it, she's constantly having to tell the audience why she hated him, tripping over herself to talk about all the shitty things he did to her because we don't have Anybody Have A Map to show us their interactions. Zoe ends up complaining about her brother the entire time, so when it gets to Only Us and she says that she doesn't want everything to be about her brother, it seems out of character for her.

And with the removal of Anybody Have A Map, we don't ever see Connor interact with his own family in the movie. Anybody Have A Map is the only time we get to see Connor with his family. It shows us that Connor really was an asshole to his family, it justifies Zoe hating him, and it gives his mom more dimensions by showing her struggling to keep her family together even with everyone fighting against her. Without that, the writers ended up ignoring the most basic piece of writing advice - "show, don't tell" - to fill in the missing information from the song.

In the movie, all we get of Cynthia Murphy is... her being sad about Connor and refusing to admit that he ever did anything wrong. She's just boring and annoying in the movie, but in the musical, we get that bit at the beginning that shows her as an actual person with actual motivations! By cutting Anybody Have A Map, they made her into a more one-dimensional character.

So in a bit of a conclusion: Anybody Have A Map establishes the Murphys as main characters separate from Evan and shows us Connor's relationship with his family instead of telling us about it. It sets the scene for the story before just jumping into "Evan is sad and alone uwu anxious depressed soft boy" and makes everyone a better, more three-dimensional character. Getting rid of it meant that they had to do backflips to justify everyone's decisions during the movie instead of setting everything up at the beginning.

I do think the movie could've benefitted from Disappear but then again, it could've benefitted from the whole "Connor being the visual/vocal representation of Evan's justifications for why keeping up the lie is helping people" thing in general, but they got rid of that so Disappear wouldn't have worked. (I am salty that they got rid of that thing but whatever) The Anonymous Ones worked instead and it was a good song, so sure, why not I guess? /neutral

I could also complain about how they got rid of To Break In A Glove, Disappear, and Good For You, but none of those decisions actually impacted the story too much. To Break In A Glove and Good For You both got replaced with some tell-not-show cutscenes that gave us the same information in a less interesting way (and Larry got less character development without To Break In A Glove), and Disappear got replaced with an Alana song which was honestly pretty good so i'm fine with that one.

Now for some good changes that the movie made!

The Anonymous Ones was a good song, I actually really liked that. I'm disappointed that they got rid of Disappear, but they replaced it with another song that served the same purpose while also giving Alana more screen time and character depth! And it was a genuinely good song, I really enjoyed it and it made me like Alana more!

I really liked the ending of the movie. In the musical, there are literally no negative consequences for Evan, Zoe even forgives him at the end. She fucking forgives him for lying to her entire family about their dead son and and taking advantage of them because it "brought them closer together". And the internet never finds out what he did! He does all this terrible shit, lies to the entire fucking world, and gets away scot-free. And he never learns anything real about Connor. The movie changes all of that.

Connor's song was also a great addition! Every time we saw Connor in the musical, he was either being a dick or he was a fantasy version of himself made by Evan and/or Jared. Seeing that Connor can, in fact, be a nice person, that Cynthia's belief in him wasn't misplaced, was so satisfying. He really was just a meaner version of Evan a troubled kid lashing out at the world in self-defense. He wasn't an entirely bad person.

The Murphys still decide not to tell anyone what he did, but then Evan decides (on his own!) that he needs to own up to what he did. He records a video of himself admitting to what he did, shifts all the blame to himself, and then goes out of his way to fix his mistakes in any way he can. He says that his biggest regret is not getting to know Connor while he had the chance, so he goes online to find anything he can. He reads Connor's favorite books, tries to find anyone who might be able to tell him what Connor was like, and when he receives a video of Connor playing his song in rehab, he takes the time to send the video (through the mail, on a flash drive) to the Murphys, Jared, and Alana.

Evan doesn't contact Zoe at the end, she contacts him instead. She doesn't forgive him, and he doesn't ask for forgiveness. He knows what he did was wrong and he owns up to it and tries to fix it as much as possible, knowing full well that it could ruin his life. He does the right thing for the first time in the entire fucking movie (that's hardly even an exaggeration) and it's such a good ending. It makes more sense and is more satisfying than the musical.

The Dear Evan Hansen movie was not nearly as bad as the reviews say it was. It wasn't as good as the musical, it had its own problems, but it also made some good changes that I think made the story better. It wasn't perfect, but I enjoyed it and most movies aren't perfect anyway. It really could've benefitted from Anybody Have A Map, though.

[mellometal]

Is it time to tear ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to shreds? YOU BET.

I've been sitting on this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure I talk about this tactfully. The subject of parents abandoning their disabled children is a very touchy one.

Parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled is way too common. Like, I understand that not everyone has the resources to care for a disabled child (which is why you reach out for help, and why people like me, who work with disabled people, exist), but it doesn't mean you just walk out of their life. There are exceptions, like if you truly didn't want children or something like that, but just flat-out walking out of your kid's life BECAUSE they're disabled is fucked up.

I know someone personally whose biological mother abandoned her when she was born. Why? Because she's disabled. Physically, and mentally, to a point. I work with this woman on a daily basis. I don't really know WHY exactly her biological mother abandoned her, but I do know that her being disabled was part of it. It's sad. It doesn't affect her, thankfully. I'm happy that she's got her biological dad, her brother, and another maternal figure in her life, at least.

ANYWAYS. Before we get to the topic at hand, I need to put an obligatory trigger warning, like I do with EVERY Dhar Mann post:

This post will be talking about parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled, treating disabilities like they're tragedies (in this case, we're talking about autism...again), divorce, and some SPICY ableist bullshit from an allistic (nonautistic) PIECE OF SHIT.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. This isn't worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. I would never ask for any of you to put yourselves in that position all for a post. Put your mental health and well-being first. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

As far as my response goes, it's definitely more calm than normal. Funny....since this video is about autism spectrum disorder again. (Third time's the charm, huh, Dhar Mann? NOT.)

LET'S FUCKING GET IT.

The video starts off with these two parents (Gwen and Allen) in a psychologist's office. The psychologist tells the parents that their son (Chance) is autistic, and she tries to explain what autism is to the parents, but Allen cuts her off. Why? Because he teaches at a prestigious university, so he AUTOMATICALLY knows what autism is from that fact alone.

Um, excuse me? Just because you're a teacher at a prestigious university, it doesn't mean you're an expert in everything. It doesn't make you an expert in ASD or anything like that. Unless you SPECIALIZE in that area. Even then, shut the fuck up. The people who know about being autistic are AUTISTIC PEOPLE THEMSELVES! SHOCKER.

Hey, Dhar Mann! QUIT WITH THE VIDEOS ABOUT AUTISTIC LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND YOUNG WHITE AUTISTIC CISHET MEN! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. It's annoying, ignorant, and it feels like you're doing this on purpose at this point to piss people off. If you're so uninformed about autism in women and girls, FUCKING ASK AUTISTIC WOMEN AND GIRLS! DO BETTER RESEARCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AUTISM SPEAKS. The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN) are great organizations to go to for any kind of research on ASD in women and girls. STOP GOING OFF OF THE BRAINS OF AUTISTIC WHITE BOYS AND AUTISTIC WHITE MEN.

I don't feel I need to go too deep into the fact that autistic women, autistic girls, autistic nonbinary people, autistic BIPOC, autistic AAPI, autistic LGBT people, autistic teenagers, and autistic adults exist. Y'all already know.

Gwen asks the psychologist if that means Chance isn't healthy. (I understand not knowing about autism, but don't treat it like it's a terminal illness. Please.) The psychologist tells her that Chance is fine, but he just learns differently and might need more support compared to his peers.

Yeah, autism can affect how you learn about certain things (limited and repetitive patterns), but there are other disabilities that can affect learning as well. Like how dyslexia can affect your ability to read, dyspraxia can affect your ability to do math, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can affect your ability to focus or on impulse control. Autism affects how your brain is developed, it affects you socially, behaviorally, and how you communicate.

Allen is upset, says that he can't have a son "with a learning disability" (ASD is a neurological disability, not necessarily a learning disability), and treats Chance like he's stupid for being autistic. Gwen tells her husband that autism doesn't make you any less intelligent, WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE. ABSOLUTE FACTS. I was totally with her until she began that little monologue with "Just because a person HAS autism". SAY "JUST BECAUSE A PERSON'S AUTISTIC" INSTEAD! IT'S NOT HARD. PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE ISN'T WHAT EVERY DISABLED PERSON PREFERS. Allen says that "they could have another kid" and "put Chance up for adoption". Gwen obviously wasn't down with that. Allen gives his wife an ultimatum that it's either HIM or their son Chance. Gwen says that she can't choose between the two, but she will stand by her autistic son. Allen gets up and leaves the office, saying he wants a divorce.

Years pass by, Gwen is single and taking care of her autistic son Chance, and Allen has a new life with a ✨perfect son✨ (Samuel). He never mentions the son HE abandoned (Chance). He's completely forgotten about Gwen and Chance. (YOU OWE SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT, ALLEN.)

Hey, Allen, how much do you wanna bet that your ✨perfect son✨ Samuel is autistic too?

There's the SATs, they're announcing a winner, and guess who it is? IT'S OBVIOUSLY CHANCE, OF COURSE. He's got the highest score in the country, with Samuel in second place. Allen is PISSED.

Chance gives a speech about how his mom really helped him, he struggled with autism, how Allen LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM, and THE CROWD GOES FUCKING WILD. Samuel, instead of being a sore loser, APPLAUDS FOR CHANCE. Stay humble, Sam.

My thoughts on the video? If you cannot tell by my tone throughout this post, IT WAS DOG SHIT. This video was insensitive to the true reality of parents abandoning their disabled children just because they're disabled. What do I expect from Dhar Mann at this point?

Here's my response to his video below. Don't worry, I will fully type out my response soon for anyone who cannot read the screenshots easily. It's a lot easier for me to do that on the desktop site than it is for me to do it on my phone.

For anyone who can’t read my response, I’m typing it out for you. Like I said, it’s easier for me to type it out on the desktop site than it is for me to type it out on my phone. It’s a real royal pain in the ass. But because I’m trying to make my posts easier to read for people, I’m doing this anyway. /lighthearted

First, second, and third screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

Hey, listen, I appreciate the message you’re trying to go for, but can you please stop putting autistic people into a box? Can you stop treating being autistic like it’s a tragedy? Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school who’s considered “wild and unruly” or “super quiet and makes no friends”, nor are they a young white cishet man who’s a super genius or is how Chris Chan was before she came out as trans. (For anyone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan, there are many documentaries people have made on YouTube, and I highly recommend Geno Samuel’s docuseries, if you’re really interested in learning about Chris Chan.)

Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, BIPOC, APPI, LGBT people, teenagers, and adults all exist too. 

It’s very apparent now that you get your resources from Autism $peaks, a hate group that spends the vast majority of their money on funding eugenics instead of helping autistic people like they claim, claims that only little white boys and young white cishet men are autistic and ignores all other autistic people who don’t fit that description, have no autistic people on their leader board or on any board for that matter, have members who have actually fantasized about k1lling their autistic children, treat autism like it’s a tragedy or a disease someone can catch (completely false), act like autism should be cured (there is no cure, and ABA therapy is a total shit show in itself), and treats autistic people like they’re broken and need to be fixed. Also, not every autistic person is a Super Genius(tm). That’s so demeaning to autistic people who aren’t seen as intelligent in any way. I’m autistic and seen as smart; however, there are subjects I’m stronger in than others.

If you can’t handle the possibility of having autistic children, or just disabled children in general, DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can’t handle working with or alongside disabled people, including autistic people, maybe find a different profession. Even if you do that, you’ll never get away from disabled people. Disabled people aren’t a disease. We’re human beings just like neurotypical and able-bodied people.

Fourth and fifth screenshots (broken up into paragraphs): 

I would highly suggest getting resources from reputable organizations for ASD, such as the Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN). Talk to any autistic person who isn’t a little white boy or a young white cishet man. 

Instead of using the puzzle piece, which is a symbol that many autistic people, myself included, are offended by (because of Autism $peaks and other organizations before them using it, plus it symbolizes that only autistic children exist and that we’re “missing a piece” like we’re broken), use the rainbow infinity sign (for all neurodivergent people) or the red and gold infinity sign (just for autistic people). Instead of “lighting it up blue”, light it up red or gold. Do both if you want. 

I’m actually really sick and tired of seeing just autistic little white boys and young autistic white cishet men being represented in the media, and y’all manage to fuck that up too. 

Before anyone mentions Sia’s movie “Music”, that’s also very poor representation of autistic girls. Besides, the actress who played the autistic girl isn’t even autistic. She MOCKED autistic people. I know she’s a kid, but that’s still super fucked up. I hope she’s able to turn that around. 

If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or ask any questions, feel free to. I’ll answer as best as I can. Thank you and have a good night.

Before I get attacked for mentioning Chris Chan in my response, I bring up Chris Chan because allistic people think that every autistic person is like her (especially before she came out as trans). That person is part of why I wasn't open about being autistic or talking about my diagnosis until this year. I didn't want to be grouped up with Chris Chan because I do have very similar interests to her, I've been seen as cringey for having said interests, and just the way Chris treated autistic people who were formerly diagnosed with A$p3rg3r$ $yndr0m3 (like I was) really made me feel even more alienated.

Also, S1a supports A$ (Autism $p3aks). She's not a very good person to support. Some of her music is good, but her as a person....no. Her movie "Music" was gross, from what I've read about it and seen pictures of.

If you've read this far, thank you so much!

[ephemeral-afterlight]

quite whack of me to let myself be perceived online but scrolling through roughly 3 years-ish worth of some of my greatest hits has led me to a few realizations

me from 2-3 years ago was a dramatic fuck and cannot be held accountable for any crimes against cringe law committed during a time of high emotional vulnerability and also god complex

it seems like half of the badass people i used to be friends with here have deactivated and are lost in the wind and i am fucking devastated. where did kitkatz go. where is jelly. why can i not be confident enough to slide in the dms of the cool people who ARE still here

when i wasn't taking absolutely every fucking thing to heart and then spewing out emotionally-charged drivel like a perpetually online little bitch, some of my written analyses slapped. they were actually so articulate and coherent. unlike anything else i say ever

holy shit i am so glad i got off tumblr when i did because otherwise i might still be here now, unhappy as fuck, supporting purity culture 🤢 the amount of times i decided to make anti-remrom posts instead of caring about my mental wellbeing and dealing with my trauma in a healthy way is genuinely kinda hilarious looking back at it now. Weewooweewooweewoo I am going to cry on the internet to people who write fanfic about figments of imagination. Weewooweewooweewoo I am so morally superior because I echo all the rhetoric that my friends do and am scared to dissent. like shut the fuck up and try touching grass for once bestie 🥰 ur depressed and have no sense of self so u steal ur opinions from the nearest person who will give you attention, ur not special, get over urself

bro i am so much sexier now than i ever was when i was on here wallowing in negativity for hours at a time and that is a scientific fact

i do remember my interactions with my friends here extremely fondly but in general this fandom was an actual shitshow for a very long time and altho i can't speak to how it is recently, i refuse to make excuses for the absolute nightmare that was ts sides tumblr from clbg to svs era. reading through old debates and all the times i got pissed about tagging only speaks to that

loving note to my past self: tagging is very important in ways that i could go into a lot more coherently another time but it does not warrant all caps screaming and crying and pissing and shitting. calm down for once and turn your phone off

i am so "problematic" now according to past me's standards and i take pride in that actually. dark fiction fucking rocks and "problematic" writers have been some of the coolest, smartest, kindest people i've ever met. i think jasper circa 2019 would have keeled over if he knew i'd be saying this eventually, but—barring a few very specific examples, you can separate fiction from reality, actually, and Mr. 25-Follower-Tumblr-Nobody's remrom fanfiction will never have the real-life influence and power that ACTUAL propaganda in mainstream media has. the character growth from delusion to enlightenment on my part was absolutely legendary, pure poetry

man in general i'm so glad limiting my time on this account helped prompt me to grow up a little more. i've been an adult, but getting away from here and into healthier spaces in turn gave me healthier outlooks on life and made me realize that acceptance from self-righteous randos on the internet is absolutely not worth limiting my own creativity and destroying my mental health + confidence over it

past me predicted like the entirety of the pof video and i cannot believe i never fucking talked about it like WHAT that shit is crazy did y'all see that???? i recited some of the EXACT points and situations they brought up in that video i cannot stop thinking about this

anyway sexies i still don't intend to be active in this fandom because i just,. man i don't fixate on it anymore. i still appreciate the posts and will stay up-to-date on all the vids but i think for now i'm staying checked out of the ts sides fandom.

if anyone even sees this (especially if we were friends before!) and u have any desire to reconnect with me i am so down! current biggest interests are kpop (as always), mcyt, and mcu, but i've been in so many goddamn fandoms over my two decades of life that you could talk to me about most things and i'd be able to contribute something.

i actually fully expect this post to lose me followers bc my stance on purity culture has changed so drastically, but i actually think it will be incredibly funny more than anything. if u want a more in-depth explanation on my thoughts, motivations, and moral standings, you can always shoot me a message :*

[lovelivingmydreams]

The guy from the foodcourt

So @reddstardust made a few really cool doodles. And one made me want to write this. So show them some love as well! Enjoy!

This is part of this bigger story, first chapter here

Nico groaned in frustration and banged his head on the desk.

There were piles of discarded notes around him. Why was this so hard?

“Okay so change of medium didn’t help,” Félix relented. Nico could hear his creativity was getting frustrated as well, though he was trying to stay positive for his sake.

“All it did was desecrate some poor tree’s memory,” Alejo pointed out in dismay.

“I’ll recycle the paper,” Nico sighed. What to do?

“It’s cramped in here. And too dark,” Alejo complained trying in vain to get comfortable on the windowsill since there was literally nowhere else for him to sit.

He had a point. The window didn’t exactly let in a lot of light and the lightbulb wasn’t helping that much.

“That’s it! A change of scenery! Brilliant idea!” Félix grinned at his opposite/partner in crime.

“Hm… I don’t know about brilliant, but it’s okay,” the darker facet agreed.

Nico nodded. Maybe he could go to the mall…

“Who knows! The people passing by might yield inspiration!” Félix pointed out eagerly.

“But we gotta focus. No side trips, no distractions. We get there, we get inspired, we write the song and we’re out. No shopping. This song has to be done by the end of the week or Diego is going to get mad at me for not keeping you two in check!”

Alejo always turned just a bit darker and scarier when he drew a line in the sand.

Félix put a hand on his heart and raised his other, palm facing Alejo.

“I swear on my spectacular spectacles, my tense friend. No unneeded distractions.”

“By Aphrodite’s hairbrush!” Félix exclaimed, his star shaped frames shifting to hearts.

“Nooo!”

“Just look!”

Nico had just sat down and looked up under ‘mild’ encouragement from his creativity, who also covered his hormones. Well his desire for romance and other… Well desires in general. Success, love, happiness. All that stuff.

Right now his attention, and therefore Nico’s, was drawn by a handsome stranger ordering food at one of the shops in the food court.

“Just look at him! He’s so cute!” Félix gushed. And Nico couldn’t disagree. He was very handsome.

He also looked rather tired.

“We don’t have time for this. Besides he doesn’t look in the mood to be bothered anyway,” Alejo argued, though Nico could hear a bit of doubt. The guy was really cute.

“Maybe bothering him will get him in a better mood? Let’s take a chance, what do you say?”

“We don’t even know if he’s gay!”

Félix clapped in delight right as Alejo groaned at his accidental rhyme.

“No distractions, you promised!” his inner edgelord insisted as the man sat himself down at a table and Nico went back to his blank screen.

“But love!” Félix whined. “Can’t that be the only exception?”

“Not when we have people waiting for a new song! Maybe if we get at least an idea down, then we can think of talking to the guy. If we can find a non-creepy reason to do so.”

Félix groaned but relented his frames going back to star shaped.

“Very well! Brainstorming time!”

Nico wrote down at least a hundred beginnings of ideas already, but most seemed to be at least somewhat related to the cute guy sitting a few tables away.

“Come on royal pain! You are killing me here!”

“Maybe if I could just chance a glance at him? He might be our muse!” Félix pleaded.

“That makes no sense.”

Before the argument could escalate Nico’s food arrived.

He was honestly relieved. He could put the laptop away for a bit and just let his thoughts go free for a moment. Hopefully not drifting towards…

From the corner of his eye he could see the guy get up. Welp that didn’t take long.

“He’s coming over!” Felix declared triumphantly.

“You don’t know that! Don’t get Nico’s hopes up!”

Nico tried to focus on his food, but it was impossible not to sneak a peek as the guy passed by. Oh, he did not mind that view either. “Look away before he sees!” Alejo hissed.

“He looks so fine!”

“He could still be a jerk. Or already dating someone. Or straight!”

“Oh come on Misery Business. There is nothing straight about that guy. My gaydar is on point and he is 99% gay. And if he had a boyfriend, he would be here with him. Or he’d at least be in a better mood,” Félix argued.

“One, you do not have me convinced gaydar is a real thing. Two, there are a ton of situations where he could have a boyfriend while also being here alone and in a bad mood. Having a relationship does not join you at the other person’s hip and it does not get rid of all the bad things in life.”

Alejo had a point there…

“And again, we should try to work on the song!” Another good point.

“Please, my dearest Paramour. One more look.”

Alejo sighed. “Fine! Just one.”

And so Nico looked up and…

“Oh god! Eye contact he caught you!”

“He’s looking back! Maybe he wants you to be looking at him!?”

“Is he looking at us? Maybe there is something behind us?”

Nico looked back, he couldn’t see anything much of note. But when he looked back at the stranger he was no longer looking at him. It was like he never even really noticed him sitting there.

“By the frozen head of Disney!” Félix exclaimed. He was clearly upset. He only made morbid Disney references when he got really down.

Alejo sighed a little relieved, but put a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder. “It’s fine. Let’s finish our meal and maybe we can come up with a song idea? Then after we can try and talk to him?”

“Would you really?” Nico thought it was awesome that his creativity and his anxiety got along so well. They looked out for one another. And pulled pranks on him and his other facets. They were a terrifyingly efficient team.

“Of course. Now what do you say?”

Félix nodded. “Let’s focus.”

And Nico got into the zone. The whole mall seemed to disappear around him except for the food in front of him. He knew he wanted to make something about mental health. He just didn’t know what aspect of it yet.

Then suddenly he heard a loud crashing sound nearby.

He looked up and could only just see a figure in an upturned trashcan.

Poor soul.

“Same,” Alejo smirked as he returned their attention to their work.

But that… Was actually not a bad idea.

“It’s a metaphor for life!” Félix gushed!

“Like how not dealing with an issue head on can cause it to pile up and before you know it bam! Disaster.”

“Are you trying to say something about…”

“Order 96!? Anyone?” Nico’s head snapped to the food stand and then over to the table where the mystery guy had sat earlier.

“Noooo!” Nico shared the musician’s sentiment. The handsome stranger was gone.

“He left without his food?” Alejo frowned. Nico got up and approached the table, indeed, the number 96 was sitting there abandoned and forgotten. He’d missed his chance. Now he’d never know.

“Would bringing him his food be an acceptable excuse to talk to him?” Félix asked desperately.

“Um… Yeah, sure. That’s probably the only reason we can justify chasing him down,” Alejo nodded nervously.

So Nico claimed the food and started walking around hoping to spot.

“Adonis at 8 o’clock!”

Nico’s head snapped in the direction Félix had pointed out and there he was, looking like the day had somehow gotten worse since Nico first noticed him.

Should he…?

Félix looked pleadingly at Alejo who sighed. “Well? Are you waiting for a written invitation or what?”

At that Nico immediately ran up to the guy. “Uh, Hey!” he called out still not sure what he was going to say.

When he came to a stop in front of him he realized that first and foremost he needed to catch his breath. It took him a second, but when he did he righted himself and gave the guy his best smile.

“There you are,” he sighed in relief. “I was afraid you’d left.” And that would’ve blown.

“You almost forgot your food…”

“He’s even cuter up close,” Félix sighed dreamily.

“He’s staring at us like we have two heads. This was a bad idea,” Alejo cringed.

He was staring at him kind of funny. Come on something to talk about… He really whished the guy was wearing a bracelet or anything of note to start a conversation about other than a bag of boiled carrots. And his sad look from earlier.

“Brilliant! Ask about that! Show how caring you are.”

“Well… We don’t have anything better so…”

“You looked really upset so I figured it might be some kind of comfort food or something. You mind kind of telling me about that?”

Please?

Nothing happened. Still staring strangely spooked at him. “Abort mission. I’m sorry Félix but this is not going to end well if we keep pushing!” Alejo rushed.

“Oh, very well. Goodbye handsome stranger,” Félix allowed reluctantly.

“It’s okay!” Nico rushed shoving the bag of food towards the stranger before he could do something to embarrass himself more. “Uh, it’s probably a bit too nosy for me to ask anyway.”

“Uh… Yeah!” The stranger replied, god why did even his voice have to sound so pleasant? And that while he was clearly 100% uncomfortable talking to him.

“Super nosy!! What’s wrong with you…man?” Nico would take offence, but he could see that the stranger was desperate to get out of the situation as fast as possible.

“We made him feel worse,” Alejo sighed guiltily.

“We didn’t mean to!” Félix argued.

“Does the intention matter? Look at him?”

“Ahhh, yeah… sorry about that. Have a good night.”

And so Nico turned around and walked away a little disappointed.

Neither Alejo nor Félix had much to say now, just allowing Nico to feel for a minute. And then he heard shoes squeaking and a voice behind him. “Uh…”

He looked around. The stranger. “Did he change his mind?!” Félix squealed.

“Maybe he just realized he was kind of rude and wanted to say sorry?” Alejo reasoned.

“Hey,” he greeted the stranger expectantly. He still looked really tense.

But now he was at least smiling. And it was a real cute smile.

“Hey…” he waved before showing him the bag of carrots. “Do you want this food? I… don’t.”

“What?” Félix and Alejo chorused confused and Nico couldn’t help but laugh.

“Then why did you buy it?” he asked.

The stranger looked away nervously and rubbed at the back of his head as he stammered trough his reply. Sending Félix into a squealing frenzy. The words cute and precious and all kinds of variations could be heard.

“Oh y-…pah-uh…Well it’s probably… you know, maybe because I was trying to see your backpack…”

Nico blinked confused as Alejo was trying to figure out what was so special about it. “Just ask him!” he eventually hissed as the uncertainty got to him.

“Wh-uh, my backpack?”

The stranger was still avoiding his eyes most of the time, a slight blush showing up on his cheeks.

“Yeah… I-I wanted to see if you had any… pride pins…”

Nico could only half follow the strangers explanation about not wanting to bother him because Félix was screaming and Alejo was screaming.

“Gay! He’s so definitely gay!”

“He wanted to know… He is interested!?”

“Oh gods, oh gods, this is amazing! He is so wonderful and earnest and just look at him he’s so worried he’s being weird! Just aaaah!”

“Which would’ve been amazing because I think you are really… cute.”

And then everything went quiet. Cute… He thinks I am cute…

“Don’t just stand there say something!”

“Oh… my… gosh…”

“Not that!”

“You should’ve just said ‘hi’!”

And the shy hopeful smile he got was just the most beautiful thing in existence.

“Oh-oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I had writers block anyway.”

Alejo gave Félix a playful shove at that.

“Oh! Uh… w-what were you trying to write? Uh, Misterrrr…?”

“Shut up, stop being adorable, my heart cannot take it!” Félix gushed.

Nico laughed. “Mr. Flores. Very formal of you! Uh… You can call me Nico if you’d like.”

The man laughed back, still a little tense but much more at ease than earlier.

“Mr. Sanders! But you can call me Thomas.”

“Thomas,” Félix repeated with a sigh, clearly halfway a plan to write an entire song just around the name alone somehow.

“To answer your question. I was attempting to write a song,” he explained as he led them both to the nearest table. He was planning on staying for quite a bit longer.

“Oh! I like… songs.” Nico smiled a little to himself, he wasn’t looking at him but he could already discern the little mental ‘are you kidding me?’ Thomas was thinking to himself at that answer. Nico, or more specifically Félix, had a suspicion of what he meant.

“He’s an artist too!!!” the master writer exclaimed.

“We don’t know that,” Alejo insisted.

“What’s yours about?”

Ah if only he knew the answer to that. “Uh… I don’t know yet. I- I think I like the idea of someone’s life…” No not quite. “or an aspect of their life feeling like… a trash bin.” Thomas’ face at that wasn’t encouraging, but he wasn’t finished explaining yet so the idea wasn’t a complete loss yet.

“And- and the waste keeps piling… and piling up… until it inevitably… spills out… into the rest of their life.” He smiled at Thomas expectantly, hoping he’d like the idea at least a little.

His face became deadpan though and just as Nico started to worry…

“You saw me knock over that trash can didn’t you?”

Oh, my… “That was you!?”

“We could’ve been his hero?” Félix whined.

“He would not have liked us seeing him like that. Imagine if it were the other way around?”

Félix shivered and nodded in understanding.

As it was the realization that Nico didn’t have a clue until now, and he’d had outed himself as ‘the trash man’ was clearly embarrassing enough on it’s own.

“OH- gosh… yes. Dang it!” he confessed as he hid his face behind his hands.

“Are you okay?” Nico asked earnestly though he couldn’t keep the amusement out of his voice or face.

Thomas was laughing as well. “Nothing but a bruised ego,” he assured him.

Félix huffed. Nico knew that to him a bruised ego was a serious condition that should not be glossed over. But Nico kind of liked that Thomas was able to laugh at the situation already.

“Sorry if my song explanation… uh, hit a little too close to home.”

Thomas’ earnest smile melted his heart.

“No, it’s fine. It’s true! I do tend to… waste a lot of opportunities in my life.”

“Was that a pun?” Nico’s facets asked shocked.

“Well,” he smiled as he took the bag of carrots. “Let’s not waste this one,” he suggested.

Next chapter

Nico’s head and heart were buzzing with excitement the whole rest of the day when he came home he threw himself on the couch. 

“AAAAAAAH!” Félix and Alejo screamed in jubilation.

“An actor and a singer?” Félix gushed.

“And he has good taste in music and in movies,” Alejo pointed out.

“He did a tour with his own musical! Is he even real?”

“How was he so modest about it?”

“Would it be okay to look him up?” the boisterous facet wondered, phone already in hand.

“Well, he said it was fine if we did… but maybe not right away?” the usually restrained man was vibrating with a mix of happy and scared nerves.

“I need a minute…” Nico sighed dreamily.

“Oh. Of course. We’ll be right here when you need us,” Félix assured him as he and Alejo retreated to the mind to tell the others all the details they might’ve missed.