#my parents have been away for less than 10 hours and somethings gone wrong lmao

[luminous-faerie]

dealing with a power cut on your own is the worst actually

[sortasirius]

Programing The Winter Soldier

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, heavy angst, this is seriously big sad hours

AN: This is so very sad and I definitely cried writing it lmao.  I love Bucky Barnes so much. 

Pairing: Steve/Bucky

Words: 3873

Read it on AO3 here

January 23, 1945

General,

Sgt. Barnes has undergone an initial mind wipe.  Dr. Zola has succeeded in attaching the weapon to his shoulder.  He has been put in the cryo-chamber as a test, and after some initial pain it looks as though it has worked.

We will begin reprogramming shortly.

Longing

Bucky wakes up in pain.  His arm hurts.  After a few moments of long, deep breaths where he decides he’s not, in fact, dead, he tries, experimentally, to move his fingers.  To his relief, he finds he can, but something feels different, wrong.  The clicking in his index finger, from where he had broken it when he was twelve defending Steve from some guy he had tried to fight in an alley after the creep had tried to grab at a woman on the street, was gone.  The pain is gone there too, in fact he can’t feel anything below the burning where his shoulder meets something cold, something foreign.

He tries to look around, but it’s pitch black wherever he is.  It’s also brutally fucking cold.  He shivers violently, trying to get away from whatever cold metal is touching his skin, but no matter how far he leans, he can’t seem to get away from it.

Suddenly, without warning, fluorescent lights above him burst into life, and Bucky screws his eyes up against the sudden brightness.  Blinking away the mild pain, he sees a man he vaguely recognizes coming toward him.  He’s a shorter man, wearing round glasses…

Like another switch flipped, Bucky suddenly remembers this man, remembers a saw taken to the shattered remains of his arm, remembers being tied down, with a rag stuffed in his mouth to keep him from biting off his own tongue.  He remembers the arm that doesn’t belong to him attached to his left side.  He remembers throwing someone across the room as though he was weightless.

“Sergeant Barnes,” the man looks him up and down, ignoring the way Bucky shied openly away from his gaze, “Let us begin.”

They don’t release Bucky from the restraints while the doctor, Zola, measures him from head to toe, has him flex his new arm, takes his blood pressure and heart rate, checks him for infection.  He only occasionally stops to speak to an assistant, who all keep their distance from Bucky, or say something in German to a soldier watching everything.  He makes Bucky watch a grainy video of ever-changing shapes, and sticks him painfully with a needle whenever he tries to look away.

“Now Sergeant,” Zola addresses him after nearly an hour of poking and prodding, “Can you tell me a memory of yours?”

Bucky doesn’t even consider, just says the first thing that comes into his brain.  Whatever this guy wants, it’s going to be easiest to just give it to him.

“Steve and I were walking along Rockaway beach two years ago.  I remember it was nearly dusk, summer, we were watching the sunset and Steve brought some bread to feed the birds.  I remember they were swarming us, you show them any kind of food and they all come swooping in.  Steve kept laughing because they were trying to land on me.  I remember the smile on his face and his eyes matched the water.  It was the first time he really laughed since his mother had died.  He told me later that he really needed that laugh.”

Zola looks at one of his assistants and gestures to the red book on the table next to him.

“First word: Longing.”

March 10, 1945

General,

We have had limited success reprogramming Barnes so far.  Zola has been working extensively with him, and while we are now seeing less incidents of outward aggression to staff or soldiers, his rate of noncompliance has skyrocketed.

Please advise on any alternate methods we should attempt.

Rusted

Bucky tries not to think about his new normal, but the repetition of each day makes that difficult.

Each morning, he’s awoken by a prison alarm and the instantaneous switching on of all the lights in his cell, followed immediately by his first meal of the day served through a slot in the door.  Steel door, reinforced, at least four feet thick.  Even the new arm doesn’t make much of a dent in it, though he’s tried.  God knows, he’s tried.

After breakfast he’s led to the combat cage where he meets with Zola, before being led through drills that he must comply with.  Noncompliance leads to pain.  Stepping out of line leads to pain.  Not eating leads to pain.  Not answering a question leads to pain.  His whole life revolves around inflicting pain and trying not to get pain inflicted on him.

On bad days, when he’s been too slow or asked one too many questions, they wipe him before lunch.  He wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy.  There is nothing else to say.  It’s beyond unbearable.

On good days, they’d give him lunch and Zola would run his usual tests.  Ask him about a memory, ask him about his family, his parents, his sister, his friends.  For some reason, it always came back to Steve.  Every time, no matter how Bucky tried to steer his brain away from him, it always came back to Steve.

This time he tells Zola about an old motorcycle they had rescued from the junkyard one summer.  It was more scrap metal than anything, rusted out from the wind and the rain and the New York winter it had suffered through outdoors, but they had scraped together pennies from odd jobs and had gotten it to run again.  It was a blast, to go zipping through the streets of Brooklyn in the dead of night, looking for trouble or whatever they could find, having to stop what felt like every ten minutes to fix some part that had fallen off or sprung a leak.  A total hassle, but totally worth it.

After his tests, Zola would send him back to the unnamed soldier who was responsible for his physical activity, this time to put him against enemies.  In the beginning, Bucky would refuse to fight them, but in his new quest of not putting himself through more pain if he could help it, he had started obeying the commands given to him, even if that meant using the strange attachment to his body that he hated looking at, that was welded to his skin, the burned and tortured flesh above it just a reminder that he used to be fully human.

After his second round of drills, they either send him to bed and give him dinner an hour later, or they put him in cryo.  He longs for the cold metal of the room they keep him in on the nights when he goes to cryo.

It’s the same every single day.

Zola starts saying a new word to him: Rusted.

May 7, 1945

General,

After three weeks, Barnes’ hunger strike has ended.  He can barely stand anymore, let alone lift the arm, but he is willing to eat.  Zola has suggested that we put him back in cryo and get his weight up so he can at least stand.  Your suggestion of a controlled shock each time he refused to eat worked perfectly, we always appreciate your input in the construction of our new weapon.

Seventeen

They let him out of cryo after what they tell him is four weeks.  When he looks down at himself, he can’t see his ribs or the sharp definition of his hipbones anymore.  They make sure he can stand, that he can punch, that he can shoot a gun.  They work on the strength of the punch.  Zola is angry that it’s been weakened.

The hunger strike was a stupid idea, it was too much like what Steve would have done, and Bucky would never be Steve, or be with Steve, no matter how much he would like to.

His body is littered with burn marks from the shocks they gave him when he wouldn’t eat, and Bucky winces at the memory of the pain, the memory of his body seizing up and being outside his control.  He supposes he should be used to the out-of-control thing by now, but he isn’t, he can’t, because then he’d really have lost.

Bucky hates cryo, he hates cryo almost more than he hates the mind wipe, because at least when his mind was wiped he could still dream.  They couldn’t control what he dreamed about, and they didn’t know what he dreamed about.  Rather, they never asked him what he dreamed about, therefore they didn’t know.

Bucky thinks about his last dream, the one where he and Steve were on a beach somewhere.  Not the Northeast, somewhere tropical, maybe California.  They have their toes in the sand and Steve remarks that the sand is so hot here, how do people walk on sand this hot?

“Sergeant Barnes,” Zola breaks him out of his thoughts, “Tell me why you stopped eating.”

Bucky looks up at him, he’s so tired.  He doesn’t want to fight anymore but he has to, the skinny little kid from Brooklyn with blue eyes and a blinding smile would want him to.

“When I was seventeen my family couldn’t afford food for the week,” the words pour out of him of their own volition, and he’s too tired to stop them, “Dad was out of work, we were desperate.  Steve and his mom brought over dinner and made us keep the leftovers.  It was a pot roast, best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I don’t want to be a weapon.  I don’t want to be your weapon.”

Zola leans back and considers him.  A smile spreads across his face.

“What you want doesn’t matter.  It never did.”

Bucky wants to hit him with the weapon on his left.  He wants it more than anything.  But he can’t.  He’s not allowed.  He really just is a lapdog for them now.

Zola adds a word the next day: Seventeen.

June 15, 1945

General,

It has been noted recently that Barnes is unwilling to lash out or attack any combatants that fit the following profile: blond, blue eyes, male.  Zola has insisted this weakness is an asset in his reprogramming and that it will not last.  We have brought in two soldiers that match this profile at Zola’s request, I will report any findings.

Daybreak

He’s not Steve, Bucky tells himself over and over as the handsome blond solider smiles at him when he brings him his dinner.  They open the door now, just so Bucky can see the man clearly, just so he can see his smile and the slight edge to his light blue eyes.  They’re lighter than Steve’s but something in Bucky simply doesn’t care anymore.  The eyes were wrong but they were something he could cling to.  The hair was just a shade too dark but it reminded him of a different time.  The smile was just a little too wide, but he remembered one that was a little softer, a little more slanted.

“I remember watching the sun rise in Germany during the war,” Bucky tells Zola blankly in their meeting that day, so used to the stab of the needle in his skin that he doesn’t even feel it, “Steve told me his favorite time of day was this early in the morning, right at daybreak.  He told me that before, too, before he was Captain America, but we got to just sit quietly and watch it, watch the colors.  I don’t remember them.”

“Very good,” Zola stands, beckoning to the blond solider to take Bucky to his next assignment.

Bucky walks along silently, head held high as he approaches the cage, where a larger soldier is waiting for him, outfitted head to toe in combat gear.  Shouldn’t be a problem.

“Soldat,” Zola stares through the bars of the combat cage minutes later, where Bucky has paused, fist raised above the quivering man in front of him, “Don’t hesitate, you wouldn’t want to disappoint your audience.”

Bucky looks over to Zola, the blond soldier who smiled at him the night before is watching.

Zola’s right, he can’t disappoint him.

“New word,” Zola mutters as Bucky straightens up, shaking his hand to get rid of the red on the metal knuckles, “Daybreak.”

July 4, 1945

General,

Barnes had an unfortunate breakthrough during today’s training.  He seemed to remember something from prior to his fall and was unable to complete the mission set in front of him.  I am becoming frustrated with Zola, he insists that this is all part of the process, that to break a man down there will be moments of pure weakness, but Barnes is looking less and less like the man we thought he was.

Furnace

Steve is the only thing he thinks of when he has a clear mind anymore.

He doesn’t remember little details of his memory anymore, but he remembers Steve.  He doesn’t remember his birthday, but he knows when Steve’s is.  He doesn’t remember the smell of spring in Central Park, but he remembers the way Steve wore newspapers in his shoes.  No matter what, he knows Steve.

Zola knows this, he uses it against him.  Every day, the talks get longer, the punishments get more painful, and the amount of times he’s wiped go up.

“Tell me a memory,” it feels like Zola’s asked this a thousand times now.

“Steve’s furnace in his building broke last winter.  We had him over for two weeks until the landlord could be bothered to fix it.  Mom loves him so much, she would have him around all the time if he’d let her.  He always thinks he can do everything himself.”

“You speak of him as if he’s here.  Why?”

“I don’t know.”

That’s the truth.

Zola adds Furnace to the list of Bucky’s words.  He can feel himself slipping away every time they’re uttered.

August 12, 1945

General,

Thank you for your visit last week.  Your insight into our project is much appreciated.  I agree that we must continue to press on, we have no put so much man power and energy into the project it would be a shame to shut it down now.  Zola believes that we are close to a breakthrough, despite occasional noncompliance by Barnes.

Nine

It’s starting to get harder and harder to fight against the constant onslaught of change they were forcing on his mind.

He can’t dream anymore, so the cryo chamber at least lets him rest, because the only dreams he has are dark and shadowy.  He’s losing his already tenuous grip on himself, his memories becoming indistinct, with only a few bright spots left to cling to in his mind.

“Tell me a memory.”

It takes him a second to think of one.  He cowers as Zola stands over him.

“When I was nine we went on a field trip to the Met.  Steve made me read all the little cards next to the paintings, even though it made us lag behind everyone else.”

“Do you still think of him?”

Always.

“No.”

“Good.  Add Nine.”

September 1, 1945

General,

Zola chose to move forward with giving Barnes the news of Steve Rogers’ death last week.  So far, it has proven an excellent tactic in breaking his resolve.  After an initial disruption in his usual pattern of behavior (consisting of a violent outburst that left his entire holding cell destroyed followed by a complete emotional collapse), Barnes has been much more compliant in the process.

I believe we may be close to a breakthrough.

Benign

Bucky has been unmade, strand by strand, bit by bit, atom by atom, he has been unmade and put back together for the purposes of following orders, of being a human weapon of mass destruction.  There has been so much pain in his unmaking, so much unrelenting physical and mental pain from being ripped apart and put back together over and over and over again.

And yet, none of that pain was like the pain of knowing that Steve Rogers was dead.

Bucky would take it all over again, spend a thousand lifetimes in this room, in the cell, in the combat cage, in the cryo chamber, having his mind wiped like a problem on a chalkboard just so he could unlearn that Steve was dead.

Zola is the one that tells him.  He shows him a newspaper in English, then Russian, then German, all with the same headline: Captain America Dead!

Bucky feels like a feather caught in a windstorm, torn to shreds by the whipping downdraft of mother nature’s power, by the power of his own grief.

Bucky knows better than to move while Zola is in the room, but the second that he leaves, the rage, red, blind, hot, overtakes him, and he uses the weapon attached to him, which has become a part of him, to destroy everything he can.  The metal table, reinforced with steel, comes apart like wet paper in his hand.  He destroys the sink, leaving nothing but powdered ceramic and plumbing hookups behind.  He gouges marks into the walls with his fingers, he slams his arm onto the floor.  And then?  He collapses in the middle of the cold metal room with his cold metal arm, just a cold metal soldier who’s lost the only reason he wanted to get out of here, to stay who he was.

“Come on Buck, we don’t have to do this.”

“When was the last time we snuck into a Dodgers game?  It’ll be fun, I promise.”

Steve rolls his eyes, pausing as they waited to cross the street to cough into his jacket.  Bucky, almost subconsciously pats his jacket pockets.  Good, he’s got an extra one of Steve’s inhalers in case it’s a bad night for his asthma.

“Come on Steve,” Bucky nudges his shoulder as they approach the stadium, “I know it’s been hard recently, but hey, at least we have baseball.”

Steve laughs at that, and gives Bucky an almost radiant smile.  Whatever it was, it makes Bucky feel like he has the sun in his chest.

“You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say this was a date,” Steve jokes as they sneak in behind an older couple, heading up to their favorite spot to watch the game.

“Who says it isn’t?” Bucky is glad his face is hidden in shadow as they make their way up the stairs of the stadium to the very back row, “But don’t think I’m gonna buy you a hotdog or anything.”

“Come on, what kind of girl pays for her own hotdog?” Steve winks at him, and Bucky can’t hide his wide smile at the words that settle themselves right in the middle of his beating heart.

“Soldat.  Stand up,” Zola’s voice comes through the speaker, and Bucky can’t comply, he tries, but he’s crushed by the weight of the loss of Steve Rogers, the only person that could pull him out of this, that could undo the work of HYDRA that had been inflicted on his mind and body.

He hears the stomping of boots outside the door, but he still can’t stand, he still can’t make himself be the good lapdog he’s supposed to be.  He’s broken, empty, unusable, unloveable.

“Steve,” Bucky gasps, not even thinking about fighting as the soldiers pull him up to standing.

Zola’s voice comes over the little speaker they have in the room, the one that Bucky couldn’t reach to rip to pieces.

“Next word: Benign”

October 29, 1945

General,

Zola had a long conversation with Barnes today.  The loss of Steve Rogers is still affecting him.  Zola tells me he has a plan, that our work is almost finished.

Homecoming

They take him to the combat cage again.  There’s someone waiting for him.

“We have a test for you today,” Zola swings the door open, and he sees that it’s the blond soldier who reminds him of Steve, tied up and bound and already bloody.

Bucky takes a step forward, staring at the terrified man.  He feels something, he can’t identify what it is.

“Tell me a memory.”

Bucky doesn’t take his eyes off of the soldier as he speaks.

“When Steve brought us back from the HYDRA base, they called it our homecoming.  I wasn’t used to him yet, him being taller than me, being okay with being the center of attention.  I wasn’t used to him being different.  But sometimes I saw flashes of the old Steve, when he looked at me, when he was drawing on a scrap of a napkin, when he made a joke that everyone laughed at.  And then, sometimes I thought he forgot about me.  He didn’t need me anymore.”

He looks down at the soldier.

“Kill him, soldat,” Zola tells him, “You don’t need him.  You never did.”

The cowering blond soldier might as well be Steve, Bucky can’t tell the difference anymore.  He snaps his neck anyway, pretending that he doesn’t feel the shattered remains of his heart split just a little bit more.

“New word: Homecoming.”

December 15, 1945

General,

Only a few more weeks I believe, Barnes has become more and more compliant, completing missions with ease and without hesitation.  We put him in front of a live target yesterday, the man captured at the border three weeks ago.  Barnes did not even seem to hear his pleas, even though we have been assured he can hear and understand them.

One

He kills easily now.  He does it without thinking.

“Tell me a memory.”

“I don’t have one.”

“Good.  Add One.”

January 23, 1946

General,

Congratulations.  The asset is ready to begin service.

Freight Car

The Winter Solider does not hesitate.  He does not disobey orders.  He pulls the trigger as easy as breathing.  He’s a ghost story, a legend, the new fist of HYDRA.

Zola speaks to him, he answers.  A soldier speaks to him, he answers.

“There is one last word to add,” Zola tells him, walking around where he stands, straight, like a steel rod.  He’s more metal than man now, anyway, “Tell me about the day you fell.”

“I ziplined onto a freight car.  I took out the targets.  I fell.  I was found by HYDRA.”

Steve was there.  He tried to save me.  We joked about Coney Island.  I miss him, I wish I was with him.  I wish I had died when I fell.  I wish I could just be Bucky.  I don’t want to be a weapon, I just want to be Bucky.

“Very good, soldat.  Final word: Freight Car.”

As each word is read, Bucky departs his mind, taken over by The Winter Solider.  Each word takes away a layer of memory, a layer of who he was, who he had fought so hard to stay.  Now it doesn’t take weeks of time, or months, to unmake him.  All it takes is ten words, ten words that connect him completely to Bucky Barnes, yet somehow, ten words that remove him altogether.

Zola finishes the list.  Bucky Barnes is long, long gone.

“Ready to comply.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #349

“we’ll meet again, when both our cars collide”

When was the last time you had a PopTart? It's been many, many months. Do you like hot chocolate? Well duh. Who made you laugh the hardest today? I haven't really laughed today. Who was the last person to promise you something, and what was it? Hmph. Would you ever jump into a fire to save your bestfriend? I know I would. Do you have a callus from writing too much? No, I only have calluses on my feet from when I used to walk for hours on end. They just never permanently went away, even with grooming. Who is someone you’ve made a bad first impression on? I dread to guess what the girl Jason dated after me was told about me. I shouldn't care at all, but I do. I have every reason to accurately be defined as "the crazy ex," and I fucking hate it. Who is your best guy friend? Girt, a friend from high school. Do you read cereal boxes while you’re eating? I did as a kid, but now I don't. I just kinda stand and eat. What’s the last thing you accidentally (or purposely) burnt? I kinda burnt the roof of my mouth on pizza the other night. Do you know anyone with a lip piercing? Me, haha. I know others, too. What did the last tattoo you saw, look like? I don't remember. Have you ever given birth? NO FUCKING THANK YOU. Do you enjoy making out? I mean if I'm in the mood to and I love you, yeah. Why exactly do you take surveys? "I genuinely like doing them and they’re great for venting and sorting out thoughts and whatnot. I can just ramble and get things off my chest." <<<< This right here covers it. As well, it's just a boredom killer. And I happen to be bored very, very often. Rockband or Gutair Hero? Both are great, why choose just one? What are you listening to right now? Halocene's cover of "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. It's beautiful. What kind of energy drinks do you drink, if any? None, because I just can't do energy drinks. They taste like pure poison to me. Have you ever been swimming in a river? No. Swimming in a river sounds pretty dangerous... Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. When you broke stuff in the house as a child, did you blame it on siblings? I'm hoping you don't mean breaking deliberately, 'cuz I wasn't that kind of kid. But anyway, I don't believe I did. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes. I was obSESSED with those games as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? Tigers, probably. They're so stealthy and, while I may be entirely wrong, seem like the top candidate of the three to attack a human, be it for food or defense. And have you SEEN the muscles on a tiger? Christ. Describe the best use that you’ve found for duct tape: Uh, taping things lmao. Do you wrap gifts or use gift bags? I use gift bags, because I can't wrap for shit. What fast food place do you avoid at all costs? Arby's is really gross to me. Are you afraid of deep sea creatures? Just giant squid... *shudders* Have you ever agreed to purchase something on Ebay and got scammed somehow? No. I did, however, purchase something on deviantART and never got the product. It was going to be a present for Jason. In dA's defense though, I've bought like... two or three other things from there, and there were zero issues. It's really about the people you trust. If you get a call that says “Unknown”, do you answer it? Nnnnope. Do you have any bobble head figures? No. Have your parents ever left you somewhere without realizing it? I don't think so. Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. Did your last kiss mean anything to you? Well yeah, I wouldn't have kissed her otherwise. Would you say that you have a nice smile? No; I've been self-conscious of it since I was a kid, mostly because one of my eyes looks more squinty than the other, but they both are to me. I've always said I look high when I smile lmao. Is there an ex you want to make up with? My mind immediately screams "Jason," but I know that's a horrendous idea. Our last talk ended peacefully and even with care and good wishes, and I need my fucking impenetrable head to accept that's where it needs to end. He does NOT need to re-enter my life. It would be so bad for me. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I have no memory of it, if I'm being honest. What outfit makes you feel the most attractive? None. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Really? Whoever reads these lmao. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core and how every student's school experience was not tailored towards their unique goals. Like they try to cram a shitload of identical and usually useless information into a kid's brain to make them a jack of all trades, you could say, but not enough information they need to properly pursue their career future. It causes such an unnecessary amount of frustration and stress. I have many, many complaints about the education system, but this one tops the list. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? Back in college, I would just do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Well, considering I'm bisexual... Do you remember life without the internet? No. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've gone my entire life thinking I'm ugly, if I'm being real. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 a fucking hour. :'''''') Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? There's a few people. What is your first memory of being in a hospital? Considering my mom worked at the local hospital when I was a kid, I remember being there quite, quite young, playing with my older sister in Mom's and her coworkers' room. I think Nicole was too young to really "play." Do you have any relatives with red hair? No. What is something good that has happened to you in the past week? I got my first Covid vaccine. My arm hurts like a motherfucker now, but to protect my mom, it's worth it. Please get vaccinated. How much was the rent/mortgage at the cheapest place you’ve ever lived? That's never been my business. Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? No, but I would go to a local one if I could actually walk five feet without being in serious pain and sweating like a pig. Do you still keep in touch with your very first best friend? We're friends on Facebook, but that's it. What was the topic of the last conversation you had with your dad? I can't remember, but it was recent, because we all met at Ashley's house for Nicole's birthday celebration. How often did you visit your grandparents when you were growing up? Pretty much never, given they all lived no less than like, 10 hours (via car) from where we lived. My immediate family are the only people in NC. When two family members are fighting, what do you usually do? Stay out of it, but admittedly try to listen just to know what's going on. Do you like the smell of men’s cologne? Yeah. What’s your all time FAVORITE freezer food? Do you eat that a lot? I survive off of microwaveable freezer food, so this is very hard... uhhhhh... perhaps this Banquet bowl meal that's mac 'n cheese with spicy chicken. It's absolutely delicious, like you'd never guess that sucker was just popped in the microwave. I'd say I eat it a moderate amount; it's a reliable option if Mom's not cooking and I'm really hungry, because it's super filling. Do you like documentaries? Have you ever watched one and find it boring? I enjoy them, particularly when they're about animals. Were you ever a fan of macaroni & cheese? Do you like Kraft dinner? Ha, speak of mac 'n cheese. I love it, and Kraft makes it fine. Do you burn incense? Not as much as I used to. I love the smell and just general vibe, though. What would you consider an unacceptable first date? Going to a bar or something. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? In the head, anyway. Is there anything currently bothering you? Multiple things. Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? No. Do you like things vampire-related? I don't really have an opinion on vampire stuff. Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I don't care. Have you ever been to a casino? No. What’s the last thing you wore a costume for besides Halloween related events? Back when I still took dance classes and we had the yearly recital. What does your father do for a living? He's a mailman. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? Haha, I re-downloaded this ollllldddd game I had before, Nyan Cat: Lost in Space (or something like that?) for my niece to play. She's hooked on it now. Are you in any discomfort right now? Yeah; as I mentioned, my arm really hurts. What do you know the most about? Of all things I know, almost certainly meerkats. Are you seeing anyone? No. Have you ever hooked back up with an ex, just for sex? Was it a mistake or no? No. Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class? No, because I didn't use my phone in class. Have you seen all the Shrek movies? No, which is a fucking crime. I need to see the last one. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty plenty plenty. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Yeah, myself included. If you had to live in an extreme environment — think Sahara, Antarctica, under the sea, on the Moon— where would you want to live? Why? Probably Antarctica. I'm sure it would be unpleasant, being that cold, but I feel there's more you can do about being cold than being in the scalding heat of, say, the Sahara. Living on the moon or in the deep ocean sounds super sucky. How was your day overall? It's been okay. Not as bored as usual, at least. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Like... zero. I want to say my dad, and I almost do, just... nightmares make that very, very difficult. Plus his past. What does your mom call you? Normally just "Britt." Write a sentence in another language: Oh god, my German is so rusty... uhhhh... Hallo, ich heiße Brittany, und ich bin 25 Jahre alt und wohne in North Carolina. I think I got the grammar right? Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Even if I was comfortable with my body, I would be way too paranoid to at any point have a naked picture on my phone, even if I deleted it. Like, hello blackmail, but also, nothing you delete is ever really gone permanently. What big city do you live near? Raleigh is like an hour away. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? omg YES Is there a Sonic in your area? Yes, it's my favorite fast food joint. You have GOT to try the pretzel twists with cheese dip. Have you ever gone to a thrift store? Yeah, I love 'em. Do you think Johnny Depp is attractive? I do. Are you happy with the state you live in? No, not at all. I hate this place. Bunch of homophobic, racist rednecks. How many times have you seen the opposite sex naked? It's not like I counted every time I saw my ex naked over three and half years lmao. How many times have you seen the same sex naked? A few times. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? I don't use a calendar. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! :''') I know I can't stop talking about it, but ugh I'm so excited. May 19th, c'mon already. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I used to as a kid. Not so much anymore. Are you in debt right now? For what? Oh god, I don't want to think of this. Would you ever work night crew? I really, really wouldn't want to. Humans are diurnal for a reason. Being awake in constant darkness would depress the fuck outta me, and it'd feel so lonely, with everyone I know asleep. Who was the last person that lied to you, or that you can recall lying to you? What did they lie about? How did you find out they were lying? I don't remember. Has anyone ever called you ugly, straight up, before? How did you react to this? No, not to my face. Who is the most stubborn person you know {excluding yourself}? MY MOTHER.

[bondsmagii]

2, 8, 26, 37, 38, 57, 72, 91, 94, 100

> questions to ask at 4:02am meme 🌕🌃

thank you! 

2: Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known?

yes 😩 I can’t even adequately describe what’s going on here, but there’s a lot of people and a lot of places that feel familiar even if I don’t know them, if that makes sense? and there’s also a lot of people I could have become, and a lot of places I could have been, and I do have moments where I kind of mourn them even though I have no proof that they would have even existed in that specific way. I do think this is normal to an extent, but also I do this a lot, lol.

on a slightly less philosophical level, I of course mourn my older brother, who’s quite literally a person I never got the chance to know.

8: Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation?

oh man definitely. the love you feel for your friends isn’t the same love you feel for your spouse or your parents, and so on and so forth. there’s lots of different kinds of love, and lots of different levels within those types, and you’re also more than capable of feeling several different types and levels towards the same person, in my opinion. I don’t know if I would try and categorise everything, because something like love doesn’t really suit being shoved into boxes, but there are different types of love and I find it’s constantly shifting and changing along with you and the object of your love, which is cool.

I should add that I don’t find any one type of love more or less important than the others. seriously, destroy the idea that romantic love is the One True Love, and all other forms are somehow lesser. that’s just garbage.

26: What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far?

this is kind of embarrassing but the truth often is: almost eight years ago I decided to make a sideblog on here that has... something to do with writing, let’s say, and something to do with... a certain character... and anyway that decision led to me meeting a certain person and going from awkward messages on Tumblr to awkward messages on Skype, to eighteen hour conversations and constant texting, to living in a car together for three months on a roadtrip and then living in a car together for many more months while homeless (and a million other places in between), to moving in together and then holy shit we got married.

so I guess that one impulsive decision to make a shitpost sideblog at stupid o’clock in the morning when I was bored one summer has been the single most life-changing choice I’ve ever made.

37: Do opposites attract?

eh. I mean, yeah, sometimes? but similarities attract, too. I think for any kind of relationship to be successful you’ve kind of got to have an element of both, and I think that “opposites” usually refers to something very specific. for example, I don’t mind cleaning the bathroom and you hate it. that’s a useful kind of opposite, because it means a compromise neither of us feel cheated by. you’re unshakable when it comes to slogging through bureaucratic minutiae, and I’m a beast in high-stress quick-thinking scenarios. together we make a pretty unstoppable team, for being opposites in that regard. I think that’s kind of what’s meant by this saying, but unfortunately it seems to have been appropriated to mean “yes honey, I know you work 10 hour shifts and come home to find your partner hasn’t cleaned the house or done anything to help, but opposites attract!” or “my partner supports Trump and genuinely believes that vaccines and masks are a government conspiracy to control us all, and I am a normal human being, but opposites attract so I guess I’ll have to put up with it”. like no, kings and queens. that isn’t what it means. dump them.

38: Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago?

lmao no. not in the slightest. five years ago it would have been... just into 2016, and yeah, no. there is not a single thing about me right now that I would have predicted, aside from the general stuff that’s never changed about me. I had different ideas about what I would be doing for work, about what I’d be working towards; I had completely different levels of commitment and discipline to various tasks, and I certainly wasn’t planning an international move. I can at least say that I’m happier with my current plan than the one I used to have (it wasn’t a bad plan, it just no longer suits me) but there’s no way I would have expected this.

and of course, there’s the whole issue with the pandemic. five years ago I had no idea I would be living through a global natural disaster, and if you’d told me, I would have thought it would be something like a supervolcano eruption or a nuclear winter. like, I’m glad it’s not, but also “you have to stay in your house for over a year” still kind of sucks.

57: Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing?

I think we are sometimes, when things are tough and there’s a need to wish to escape (see how many books I read over quarantine in March, for example). most of the time, however, I think humans just like stories. I don’t think it’s any deeper than the fact that humans love stories, we’ve always loved stories, we’ve always loved telling and hearing stories, before we had books and archives we passed our stories down orally and we drew them on cave walls with our own fingers, and this love for the story has never changed or altered in the hundreds of thousands of years since. I think that’s the major driving force here.

right now I’m looking for an escape 24/7, because I’m sick to death of the real world. I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. without books, without the fictional things I love, without reading and writing and music, I would have gone absolutely bonkers in 2020. being able to fall into a book or play around in the worlds I’ve created, both my own and things I’ve co-written with you, has literally saved my ass over the past eight months. escapism is never a bad thing. like anything, it only becomes troubling when it starts creating problems. but I do not think there’s any shame in occasionally saying “fuck it” and going to worry about someone else’s fictional problems for a while. 

72: Should people be prosecuted for crimes that weren’t considered crimes at the time?

this is a tough one. on the one hand I want to say no, because it could easily be abused. some asshole could get into power and make something illegal, and then round up all the people who have committed that now-crime and lock them up, and oh, would you look at that! all the people who have committed the now-crime just so happen to be the dictator’s biggest critics and threats, how convenient. 

at the same time, dictators are going to wipe out their enemies no matter how legal it is, and I also have to consider the fact that before WWII, for example, words like “genocide” and “crimes against humanity” didn’t exist. how could we decide that these things are crimes, but then not try those who literally gave cause for the crime to be acknowledged? we can hardly say “alright, genocide is now a crime against humanity, but because these guys did it before this was law they can’t be tried”. that’s just... not really a great precedent to set, you know?

so I suppose a tentative yes? I think it would probably depend entirely on the severity of the crime. for example, if they found out that... I don’t know, some normal everyday substance was something that people could suddenly get high off, and they declared it a drug, I don’t think everyone who’s ever sold it or used it should be rounded up and jailed. but like, if the act of cannibalism itself became a crime (and not just murder or desecration of a corpse, which is what “cannibalism” usually falls under in terms of legality) we should probably go round up all the people who are stealing human legs to eat, yanno?

91: Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate?

sick totheark reference bro. anyway yeah, hate is as strong as love, though it appears and reacts in different ways. hate and love are two sides of the same coin, if you ask me. the deeper you love somebody, the harder you hate them if things go wrong. hate is betrayed love. something something, a tree’s branches cannot reach to heaven unless its roots reach to hell, and all that. something so powerful is going to leave a lot of damage if it goes wrong.

I hate a few people. I don’t want to go into detail as to their specific identities, because I’m sure that if you know me well, you’ll know who they are. both of them were people whom I loved very deeply, and who betrayed that love in ferociously cruel ways. both people taught me very difficult lessons about the nature of love, and how sometimes it really cannot conquer everything, but while this would be a nasty lesson to learn it’s compounded by the fact that I learned this not out of any kind of extraneous circumstance, but rather through their cruelty and their refusal to work with me, listen to me, or love me in the way I deserved to be loved. my hatred for these people will never go away, even though it certainly doesn’t dominate my life. it is there, though, and I can easily draw on it whenever I need it. should I get the opportunity, I have no doubt in my mind that I have the capacity to be very cruel to these people in my own right, and I won’t feel bad about it.

94: How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately?

oh damn. forcefully, conditionally, stubbornly, and probably slightly possessively.

I don’t show love in conventional means. I’m one of those stereotypes, I guess. I don’t like declarations of love, I don’t really go in for physical affection, and I’m not sappy at all. my love language is more subtle, but it’s there. I like to do things for people, I like to create things for/with people, I like to have adventures with people. that’s how I love, and I can be pretty forceful about it. I also want people to improve themselves as much as possible -- I think the greatest thing I can witness someone I love doing is becoming the best version of themselves, and I will support them 100% in this effort -- also very forcefully. I don’t think there are many people who could put up with that level of intensity for so long, if I’m honest. I demand a lot of the ones I love, but I also like to think I give a lot, too.

my love is never unconditional. while I believe unconditional love exists, I have never seen it. my love always comes with conditions -- conditions about how I expect to be treated, about ideology, about worldview. these are all huge deal breakers, of course -- my conditions aren’t vague, or petty, or small in any way. but there is nobody on earth, nor will there ever be, who I will not walk away from if I feel the relationship is harmful in any way. I might not stop loving them, but I sure as hell will not assume that my love for them will protect me from them.

at the same time I’m a very stubborn person when it comes to love. people will do things they think must break one of my conditions, but I’ll see something else in it and I’ll stick around even if we both think it’s useless. I’m never wrong, so I suppose I have that going for me. but I am very, very stubborn when it comes to love. I have a high level of endurance and I know how to nurture love; how to stop pessimism from setting in. I’m also slightly possessive, so I don’t let go of anything easily -- and this includes the people I love. I’ll never stifle a person, but I’ll definitely fight for them, and something something everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.

100: What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

I suppose something like this could never be logically grounded because there’s no logical proof at all, and “I Just Know” is apparently not a scientific argument (it should be), but I know I’ve had past lives. I just do. I have no solid proof for this, only gut feelings and Just Knowing and weird memories and some crazy shit that I can’t explain -- like being able to find my way around a strange city because I remembered it from a past life, for example -- but I just know I’ve had many different lives before and I will have many more to come. this is just an unshakable belief and it always has been.

[shhhhyoursister]

hey could u maybe do #3. “please don’t cry” for davenzi? I seriously love you for writing so much 💜

okay so lmao i just spent like 45 mins writing a parent!davenzi thing for this and i left the app to look for a baby name and just came back and that fic is gone so i guess i’ll start again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also i hope you like the name i chose i didn’t know what to do so i went with something cute and vaguely italian!!!!!! also i hope it’s okay that i took it in this direction i was feeling inspired!!!!!

David loved being a father. He had technically only been one for a month (a months and 11 days, to be exact), but he could already tell that it was going to be his biggest accomplishment. Isabella was perfect, somehow managing to look as if David and Matteo had conceived a child together; hair that they could tell was going to grow in dark blonde and a little curly, a button nose that David had actually cried over multiple times, and dark brown eyes that were so beautiful that David could’ve spent hours staring into them (and he did).

It made more sense for Matteo to stay at home with her, and while David loved his job, directing and filming and editing was way less entertaining when he had a sweet, soft, cuddly baby at home, and a husband who he knew was exhausted because of her. The only thing that got David through the work day were the multiple pictures and texts that Matteo would send, of her or about her. He would get updates on her eating and health (David didn’t think he needed to know everytime Matteo changed her diaper and the contents of it, but he appreciated being kept in the loop), anytime she did anything particularly cute (he had gotten a text once that said she smiled!!!!!! i think it was just gas but still!!!! and he had immediately made the attached picture the new background on his phone).

He also got the not so nice updates. One night, he was staying late to finish editing something so he could have the whole weekend just for himself, his husband, and his daughter, when his cell rang. When he saw it was Matteo he panicked, and fumbled with the phone, because Matteo almost never called him at work.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Is Bella okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, she’s fine,” Matteo said, and David sighed with relief but he could hear the exhaustion and defeat and tears in Matteo’s voice as he continued, “I just can’t get her to fucking sleep.”

“You’ve fed her, and changed her, right? Have you tried sitting in that chair and singing? What about one of the books?” David ran through all of the ways they had managed to get her to sleep before in his mind, trying to think of a helpful suggestion for his obviously overwhelmed husband.

“Yeah, obviously, I fucking know what I’m doing David, I’m the one who spends every night with her.” Matteo snapped, and David snapped his mouth shut.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. How do you want me to help, baby?” David could tell that Matteo wasn’t actually angry, and that responding angrily himself would only make things worse. He wanted to help, but also knew he had at least another hour before he could get home.

“Fuck, sorry, don’t apologize. I’m sorry I yelled. It’s been a long day,” Matteo said, and David could hear the beginnings of what he thought was going to be Matteo crying, before he heard a sharper wail in the background, and an exasperated sigh from his husband, before he heard, “oh my god, I can’t even fucking sit down for a second.”

David tried to calm Matteo down a little as he heard him walk down the hall to Bella’s room, and he heard the door creak open the tiniest bit before Matteo was cooing, “No, piccola mia, please don’t cry.”

He heard Matteo grunt as he lifted the sobbing baby to his shoulder, and David could hear the cries get louder as the her mouth got closer to the phone. He listened to Matteo speak to her in a gentle voice, switching between German and Italian like he tended to do (David could tell that he didn’t even notice he was doing it), and after what felt like five minutes of David sitting silently on the phone, the crying stopped.

“Oh, thank god, she fell asleep again.” Matteo said, and David could hear just how relieved he was about that.

“Why don’t you try to get some sleep? I’ll take over when I’m home, but you know they said to sleep when she’s sleeping.” That was a piece of advice he knew Matteo took to heart, and his nap schedule was almost as organized and planned out as the baby’s.

“I still have to clean up from dinner, and she spit up on the couch so I have to deal with that too, and there’s still laundry to fold,” David heard Matteo collapse onto a couch before laughing a little humorlessly and saying, “being a housewife is much less glamorous than I was expecting.”

“I’ll be sure to get you some flowers and a bottle of champagne on my way home, I can’t have you leaving because of a lack of glamour.” David grinned against the phone, wishing he could be there to see the exhausted chuckle that Matteo let out.

“Yeah, flowers and champagne would make up for the puke and the shit and the drool. None of that is particularly glamorous.” Matteo said, sounding a little happier than he had at the beginning of the call.

“I’ll be sure to do that, but if you don’t need me I’m going to go, okay?“

“I always need you.”

David felt his cheeks blush, embarrassed that he was still so affected by the things his husband said often, and he laughed a little before saying, “Me too, babe. But I’ll be home in an hour, an hour and a half tops, okay?”

They hung up after exchanging their usual I love you’s, and David started working again. He stopped for a second to respond to the text he got about 10 minutes later that just said she woke up again, and he finished editing as fast as he could so he could get home, kiss Matteo, and send him off to bed. He was dead tired but looking forward to being able to hold Isabella again, missing her in a way that made him twitch.

The house was warm when he got inside, and he shrugged his coat off and toed off his shoes as he called down the hall, “Matteo?”

He started walking in, surprised when he didn’t hear crying or other general baby noises, and he tilted his head when the kitchen was empty. He wandered more, getting a little nervous, but when he reached the living room and looked at the sight on the couch, he felt tears gather in the corners of his eyes.

Matteo was splayed out shirtless on his back, because they knew how important skin-to-skin contact was for babies, with Bella lying in the middle of his chest, her tiny eyes open and blinking around the room. Matteo was knocked out, snoring a little with how heavy he was suddenly sleeping, and David grinned before walking in, and scooped the baby off of him.

“Hey, trouble maker,” he said, trailing a finger down her tiny cheek before leaning in to kiss her on the forehead, “you’ve been driving him crazy today, haven’t you?”

He cooed at her for a few minutes, kissing her cheeks and letting her tiny hands wrap around his fingers, and he pulled her in tight and breathed in the new-baby smell before he heard, “Oh, hey, when did you get here?”

David looked down and saw Matteo blinking up at him, rubbing a hand across his eyes, his other hand coming up to tug on the hem of David’s shirt. David switched Bella onto his shoulder, and cradled the back of her head as he leaned down to kiss Matteo on the forehead.

“A few minutes ago, now get up, you’re going to bed.”

“Wait, wait, I haven’t finished cleaning yet,” Matteo tried to protest as he got up, but in the same breath he was collapsing against David’s unoccupied shoulder, and yawning loud into his neck. He lifted a hand and placed it over David’s on the baby’s back.

“Matteo, you’re about two seconds away from passing out,” David said, wrapping his other arm around his husband’s waist, “let me finish up, I’ll come to bed when I’m done.”

Matteo pulled back and smiled at him, and leaned in to kiss him and poured so much love and gratitude and relief into it that David could feel it, before he looked down at the baby against David’s shoulder.

“I don’t get it,” he said, moving Bella’s hair back into place and stroking her cheek like David had.

“Don’t get what?” David whispered back, noticing that the baby’s eyes were sliding shut a little bit, and that she didn’t seem to be fighting it, and he held a finger up to his lips to warn Matteo to be quiet as she started breathing deeper, and more evenly as she fell back asleep.

“I’ve felt like ripping my hair out and jumping out the window all day,” Matteo whispered back, shaking his head, “but I still love her so fucking much.”

David smiled, looking down again at the baby sleeping baby in his arms, and the man smiling softly in his arms, and he was filled with so much that he felt like he was going to explode.

“I’m pretty sure there’s some brain chemical that stops people from throwing their babies when they don’t stop crying,” David said, and he grinned when Matteo snorted and rolled his eyes, “evolution is a beautiful thing.”

Matteo took a step back and shoved him gently, before walking back and bumping his head into David’s shoulder before kissing him there, and then his cheek, and then he moved so he could cover Isabella’s face in kisses.

“Are you sure it’s okay if I go sleep?” Matteo said, looking dead on his feet, and David gently shoved him toward their bedroom as he looked around the house, making a mental checklist of things he needed to do to make Matteo’s night end faster.

“Yeah, it’s probably better that you do. Can’t have you passing out when you’re the only one home with her, she’ll get into the booze!”

Matteo laughed from where he was leaning against the doorframe to their bedroom, smiling wider than David had seen in a few days, and he looked back up with a smile to say, “Yeah, and the weed, too.”

They both laughed at the horror of their statements before Matteo yawned, walked over to give them each one more kiss, and then went off to bed. David looked down at the sleeping baby on his shoulder and walked to her room as quietly as he could, placing her in her bed, and sighing when she didn’t start crying again.

David cleaned as thoroughly but as quickly as he could and managed to finish pretty quick, and he was almost falling asleep as he changed out of his clothes from the day, and he sighed when he slid into bed behind Matteo, and curled up against his bare back and wrapped his arms around his waist. He let a hand rest on Matteo’s stomach so he could feel the deep, steady breaths, and after a few minutes David was knocked out too.

They were both woken up a couple of hours later by another wail, and they looked at each other for a second before David realized that there was no way he could make Matteo get up and do it, so he swung his legs over the side of the bed, and got up with a “I’ve got it babe, go back to sleep.”

[nostalgiabones]

hi pumpkin, can you 9 and 14 from the dad!sos prompt list with like any kiddo from the family of 8 pls? i wanna cry lmao thank you lauren❤️❤️

09. “I think it’s broken.”

14. A child getting injured whilst under one parent’s supervision and then needing reassurance that they aren’t a bad parent.

Luke was confident in his parenting skills. After 13 years of being a parent to six different children, he felt like there was nothing that would faze him or surprise him, as he’d literally experienced everything that he thought he could as a parent.

But one thing that never got easier as a parent, was seeing any of his children in pain. Especially if it was something that he couldn’t easily fix, and all he could do was reassure them that he was there. And this was made even worst when he was taking care of the kids alone, as he didn’t have you to help him when he was freaking out about them being in pain.

The day was going smoothly so far; he had been alone with all six children for at least three hours, and nothing had gone wrong yet. Theo was down for his usual nap, and he’d managed to get all of the children in the garden to burn some energy. It helped him out that Grayson and Poppy were a little older and they could take charge of the games too, as it took a little pressure off of him, so he could also keep an eye on Theo.

They’d taken to playing a game of tag, which was fairly harmless, but Luke had already warned the twins to be careful with Willow, as they tended to forget that she was little and didn’t like playing games as rough as they did. But he trusted them, and knew they’d never intentionally hurt their little sister. At the same time, Theo’s cries had started up through the baby monitor that he had brought into the garden with him. He knew he shouldn’t really leave them unattended, but he trusted Grayson to keep an eye on them, and he’d only be gone for a minute.

“Hi, Teddy. Did you have a good nap? Come here, bubs.” He cooed to the sleepy bundle, lifting him into his arms and resting him again his chest. He kissed his temple, grabbing the blanket from the crib to wrap around Theo’s back, making sure he wouldn’t get too cold when they went outside. “Shall we go see what your brothers and sisters have got up to?”

It wasn’t until he heard a cry of pain, that went straight to his heart and made his blood run cold, that he was suddenly very concerned.

“Daddy! Willow’s hurt!” He heard the voice of Oscar, making him look over in the direction of where his children had ended up, at the other end of the garden, and it was then he noticed that Willow was curled up on the floor and crying. With Willow being his softest baby and the biggest Daddy’s girl out of all of the children, Luke’s heart broke as he made his way over to her, still with Theo in his arms.

“Hey, what’s happened, baby girl? Come here, it’s okay.” He tried to soothe her, even though his heart hadn’t stopped racing since he realised she was hurt. He hoped so badly that it was minor, that he could easily fix it, and that he wouldn’t need to call you and distract you from your day out with a friend. “Gray, can you take Theo?”

He passed his youngest baby into the arms of his oldest child, as he tried to focus on seeing what was wrong with Willow. She was sobbing, almost hyperventilating, and it made his heart ache as he panicked at what could be wrong. “Show Daddy where it hurts, baby.”

“Ouch, daddy.” She kept crying, and his heart hurt more with every word. It wasn’t until he sat her up properly and she yelped out in pain as soon as he touched her arm. She was holding it close to her body, and wouldn’t let him look at it.

“Can I see your arm, Willow? It’s okay, bubs. Just let me look at it.” His stomach turned at the sight when she reluctantly held it out to him. He wasn’t a doctor, but he didn’t need to be to know that her arm definitely didn’t look right, and a feeling of panic took over him, knowing she’d need to go to the hospital.

He could just about handle looking after six children when he was at home. But taking six children out to a hospital alone, when he knew they’d be waiting around for a long time, was just not going to happen.

“Okay, sweetheart. I’m gonna call Mumma and your Uncle Ash, then we’re gonna go and make sure your arm is okay, yeah? Come here, we’ll go sit inside.” He tried to stay as calm as he could, trying to ignore the sick feeling that had taken over his stomach. He couldn’t help feeling that if he hadn’t gone inside for Theo, and would’ve been watching, it wouldn’t have happened. Kids always had accidents, and he knew that, but he couldn’t ignore the guilt knawing at his mind.

“Is she gonna be okay, Daddy?” Arlo asked, as the rest of his siblings followed Luke back to the house, with Willow in his arms, crying against his shoulder.

“She’s just bumped her arm Arlo. But we’re gonna go get it all fixed up, and she’ll be just fine.” He reassured his son, as much as telling himself that she would be okay.

He got them all settled on the sofas inside, Willow still whimpering into his chest, her uninjured arm wrapped around his shoulder and playing with the curls at the back of his neck to distract herself. Luke pulled out his phone, first dialling Ashton, hoping he was available to watch the kids whilst he took Willow to hospital.

“Luke? Hey, what’s up?” Ashton’s familiar voice came through the phone and it calmed Luke down a little immediately - he felt less alone. He explained the situation, that you were out for the day and he was in charge of the kids, and that Willow had gotten injured. Ashton agreed to head over as soon as he could, leaving Luke only one job, to call you.

“Babe? There’s been a bit of an accident.” He admitted, as soon as you answered the phone.

“An accident? Who? What do you mean, Luke?” You asked, your heart rate increasing immediately at his words.

“They were just playing in the garden and Theo was crying so I went to get him, and I was only gone for a minute, but then I came back and Willow had fallen and landed on her arm.” He explained, his heart heavy as he recalled the events of the last 10 minutes. “I think it’s broken, babe. I’ve called Ashton to take care of the kids whilst we take her to get it checked out.”’

“Oh my god, we need to take her to the hospital. I’m closer to there than home, can I meet you there?” In your heart, you knew they were only children and accidents happened, but you were upset knowing Willow was injured and you weren’t there. The tone of Luke’s voice broke your heart, knowing how guilty he would feel that this happened under his supervision. “She’ll be okay, Lu. And bring Theo with you, we don’t want to end up taking Ashton to hospital too.”

Moments later, Ashton arrived at the door, sensing the stressed atmosphere in the house. “Look whose here, guys! It’s your favourite Uncle.” He was greeted with lots of hugs from his nieces and nephews, but he felt sad seeing Willow hiding against Luke’s shoulder.

“I’ll keep you updated, Ash. Thanks for coming over.” Luke told him the main things he needed to know, but as the twins were old enough to know where everything was and there were no babies left in the house, he knew they’d be fine. He bundled Theo into his car seat, making sure he had everything he needed as well as balancing Willow in his arms, trying not to move her anymore, to avoid causing her anymore discomfort.

She cried more as he settled her into her car seat, gently shushing her and promising that they were going to fix her arm. He felt uncomfortable and anxious the whole car journey, knowing she was in pain, and hating that he couldn’t do much about it. He couldn’t wait to see you - although he felt awful that he had ruined your afternoon with your friend, that you much deserved. He hoped you’d understand, and that you wouldn’t be annoyed at him, even though he felt annoyed at himself.

“There’s my baby.” You felt relieved seeing them enter the hospital waiting room, where you had already signed in to tell them why you were there. It was just a waiting game. Luke handed Willow to you, letting you comfort her as he got a better grip on Theo’s car seat, in which the baby had remained unfazed and managed to fall asleep in. “I already told them why we’re here, Lu. We just have to wait.”

It wasn’t long before her name was called, and the four of you made your way through to the doctors room. She confirmed it was broken, and after painkillers and many more tears, Willow found herself with a yellow cast fitted onto her arm.

“It looks funny, Daddy.” Willow commented, not taking her eyes away from the bright yellow cast that adorned her broken arm. “It feels funny too.”

“I know, baby. But this will make it feel better.”

***

A few hours later, all of the commotion was over, and after the children’s excitement of “wow Willow! Your arm is yellow!” and finally releasing Ashton, you’d managed to get everyone into bed. Luke had wanted Willow to sleep in your bed for the night, wanting to keep an eye on her, and mainly just wanting to hold her - so he knew she was okay. Her pain medication had worked and she had crashed in between the two of you, her head in Luke’s neck.

“She’s okay, Lu.” You reassured him, answering all of the worries in his head, without him saying a word. You could see it all over his face. He felt so guilty, that under his supervision, she had gotten more injured than she had in her whole little life.

“I should’ve been watching them.” He replied quietly, running a hand through her soft curls that were tickling his jaw.

“We have six children, Luke. That’s a lot of kids to handle when there’s two of us, never mind on our own.” You told him, trying to ease the guilt in his mind. “Theo was crying, so you went to get him. If you’d have stayed to watch them, no one would have got Theo. You can’t be everywhere at once, love.”

Your words eased his anxiety, reducing the fears in his mind that he was a terrible dad, and Willow would blame him forever. He felt much better now that she was calmly sleeping against him, no longer in pain.

“We’re both doing the best that we can, Lu. She loves you. She won’t even remember this, I promise.”

He reached over, careful not to jolt Willow, who was using his chest as a pillow. He kissed your lips softly, several times, which always calmed him down. “I love our crazy family. Even if we can’t handle them a lot of the time.”

You laughed softly at his words, and it made you happy to see him smile a little, the worry seeming to leave his expression. “Goodnight, superdad.”

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Masterlist

[astrozones]

Sanders Behavioral Health, Chapter 4: Mother Logan

three hours bouta be gone

discord for only the truest Lads. gender dont matter- Astro’s Zone

Three hours.

Fifteen minutes.

Another hour.

Another break.

And so on and so forth, until it was exactly 8:45 p.m. and Logan would get ready for bed, and when 9:00 came around he would ideally be sleeping, no electronic devices in sight.

It was the perfect schedule for a weekend of study. And Logan sure did need it, he was only a couple months ahead in the curriculum, which was a month less than where he should be right now.

But just as Logan sat down to start, his phone chimed. Logan was 100% prepared to ignore it, but the voice told him he had to pick it up. The metaphorical voice, of course. Now that he knew how to identify it, he knew it was either his OCD or anxiety, and oftentimes both.

Logan stared at the book in front of him, not moving in the slightest. He knew it was stupid, he didn’t have to check anything. But, he could still anxiety rushing through his body.

He picked up the phone and went through his texts, feeling relief almost instantaneously.

FamILY!

{ We should all hang out today!!! }

[ Wait whend the chat name change ]

| like last night roman where were you |

[ Sleeping??? ]

| sleep? who’s she never heard of her |

[ And going back to Patton i am free today ]

{ Yay!!!! }

| my parents are gonna force me to do homework if I don’t, so sure |

{ !!!! }

{ Logan? }

{ We can see you’re online!! }

( I’m afraid I am busy today. I’m studying. )

{ I thought you were ahead in the class?? }

( Yes, I am. But I am not where I want to be. )

{ Aw, Logan!! You should take time to not overwork yourself!!! }

( I do. And I was under the impression that you were busy this weekend. )

[ And i oop- ]

| i can’t believe roman’s a vsco girl |

[ sksksksk ]

| that wasn’t an invitation. |

{ I am for most of the day!! I was thinking we could have a sleepover!!!! ^-^ }

| wait so i do have to do my homework? |

| i’m willing to do it if it means i get to punch roman when he acts like a vsco girl again |

[ Id like to see you try ]

{ I would very much prefer there to be no punching, but it’s great to see you’re both in!!! }

{ And Logan? }

( ... )

( I suppose I can think about it. )

{ OMG YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }

{ We have the whole famILY :3!!! }

| huh I thought roman would’ve had something to say about that. |

{ I do have some bad news though ;-; }

{ My parents are repainting our living room and don’t wanna risk anyone messing it up :( }

{ So I was wondering if either of you were willing to host? Not Logan because he’s still considering it }

| ugh i should’ve been more picky about it and I wouldn't have to go through this |

| well my room’s too messy and it’d take more than the day to clean |

{ Well, Roman??? }

{ Roman?????????? }

[ Wait what ]

[ Sorry one of my posters fell down and i had to fix it ]

[ Lemme read through the chat ]

| lmao |

[ … ]

[ asdkfldsaihateyouvirgildksfl i suppose i can do it ]

| hey i see that |

[ My parents are out for the weekend so yea ]

{ !!!! YAY!!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }

-- --

Logan’s anxiety was yelling at him once more, telling him he needed to put the phone down. Ever compliant to the voice, he put it in a drawer under the desk. A little unnecessary, sure, but it made him feel better.

Logan shook his head, the voice driving into him once more. He was off-schedule! That’s 10 minutes of studying, wasted . He was certainly going to fail, all it would take was one set off his system and he’d get addicted to the freedom it promised.

He took out his pencil, and arranged the books around him to be exactly how he wanted. If it wasn’t, it would be unbalanced, and that certainly wouldn’t do.

Because everyone knows you can’t study unless you have a perfect workspace.

Right?

--

Logan was outside his house, door in front of his face. He huffed.

His parents had kicked him out for a couple hours, telling him he had to go outside for once instead of staying holed up in his study room.

They didn’t get it.

They didn’t get why it was wrong .

According to them, Ramona Steers, a staff from Sanders, had told them all the ins and outs of what they needed to help Logan get better, and that making him go outside was one of them.

Originally, they said he’d have to be out for 5 hours, but once he told them about the sleepover situation, they had agreed to take an hour off.

So, he was going to a sleepover, he had 4 hours outside, $100 to spend as he wished, and nowhere to go.

--

Logan walked into the popular local café, The Lolapad, known for it’s fantastic drinks, welcoming aesthetic, and it’s kind owner, Lola Adams.

Lilo was at the counter today, alongside her coworker… Patton?! Logan narrowed his eyes, Patton had never talked about a job, and Logan was a frequent visitor to The Lolapad. Logan knew he had to question him about it.

Well, once he got through this excruciatingly long line, anyway.

The only downside to The Lolapad was its popularity. With it being this early in the morning, it was full of daytime workers preparing for the long day ahead of them. Logan sighed.

He admired the decorations. The floor was a deep blue, to mimic water. The tables were designed like lilypads, and the chairs had a flower pattern. The walls were purple, with painted vines crawling up in some corners of the room.

The ceiling decor was the most impressive, though. Soft, blue lights and glass hung on wires from the ceiling, almost like bubbles flying towards the sky. There was no competition that would ever pass The Lolapad, at least not anywhere nearby.

He recognized a few students lounging in chairs, mostly consisting of the upbeat, extroverted club members.

And, if he was right, one Vanessa Cordill, with her boyfriend, Jace Lendell.

God, he despised Vanessa. She had been a huge bully in the past, only stopping after he stopped reacting to it. Logan hardly had anything to do in class, having learned all of this in his own time, and his teachers would yell at him the moment he picked up a book to study ahead of the curriculum. So, seeing what his classmates were doing was the only interesting option.

And oh, Logan saw .

He was never one for gossip, but he remembered so many things.

And most of it had to do with Vanessa.

Like that time she had snuck a gun into the bag of the boy beside her- Victor Jackson. Victor was taller, and larger, and had a mean-looking face. For anyone who got to know him, though, he was very sweet, and hated hurting people.

Victor was expelled the next day.

Logan had, of course, defended Victor. But Vanessa was convincing, lying her way through her nice girl act until the principal was convinced.

So, Logan did what he did best. He collected evidence. And, once he felt as though he had enough, he would report her.

But until then, he was forced to stand by and watch as Vanessa got to do whatever she wanted.

She was like a villain out of a bad movie, or a crappy fanfiction.

“Oh, Logan!” Patton’s voice dragged him out of his thoughts. Logan was at the front of the line, apparently. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”

“Neither did I,” he responded. “When did you start working here?”

“Oh, no, I don’t usually work here! Jessalyn asked me to replace her today, well, she asked last week- so I’m working here for a couple hours! Lola was okay with it, she’s really nice y’know? And-”

“Are you getting paid?” Logan asked. It would be rather selfish of Jessalyn to keep all of the money, at least in his opinion.

Patton shook his head. “Nuh-uh. But I’m okay with it though! I like helping people. Now, what can I get ya?”

--

Logan found himself on a swing at an empty park. He had finished his drink, and was now letting himself go back, and forth, back, and forth. He wasn’t the biggest fan of attempting to do anything… potentially dangerous, but he found softly letting himself go back and forth was a good way to collect his thoughts.

The birds chirped in the background as the sun shone above him. Everything was as it should be, but he couldn’t stay too long at the risk of getting a sunburn.

He heard a text come in, and he pulled out his phone.

FamILY!

{ If your son gets burnt by the sun, is it a sonburn? }

-- --

Logan smiled slightly as the replies came in from his friends, all exclamations of distaste as Patton sent a plethora of emojis, that mostly being-

Oh.

Wait.

His friends .

…

Hm.

Not that he was against that, of course, but the immediate reaction of calling them his friends was, well, a little unnerving. He had always been the quiet one, and had a few friends in the past, though they had all moved away to other towns or cities or whatever . He didn’t care.

And if his new friends did the same, he would be okay with that. Yes, he would definitely be okay with that. If they cared, they would contact him, and if they didn’t, he was okay with that. There was no use fighting it, after all that would only give him more time to study.

As it should be.

He put his phone away, no use replying, as he had already agreed to go to their sleepover.

He heard giggling from behind him. He was brought back to the real world, only to find that he had slowed to a stop. Logan turned his head around.

There stood a small being, maybe 6-7 years old, and definitely a child. He had a light brown mop of hair on his head, and donned a red-black-green coat and tiara. He stood to face… it.

“Hi! I’m Adrian!” the kid said, stuttering over the ‘r’. “What’s- did you just get done from a- a-

‘businesses’ meeting or somethin?”

Logan looked down at himself. He wasn’t even wearing a tie today… he had a simple black button-up shirt, and jeans. What about this screamed ‘professional’?

“No,” was all he said in response.

“Are you- are you gonna go to a businesses meeting?”

“No. I’m still in high school.” At this, the miniature human named Adrian grinned, and he could practically see the metaphorical sparkles.

“That’s so cool! I’m only in firs’ grade, but Mommy says I’m gonna be 7 in-” Adrian started counting on his fingers. “15 months!”

“What… do you mean 15 days?” he asked, it was either that or 15 weeks. Adrian nodded excitedly. What he was excited for, Logan couldn’t tell.

“YEAH! I’m gonna be so smart!” Adrian boasted, causing Logan to smile slightly. “Do you wanna come play wif me?”

“I- er-” he was cut off as the 6-year-old grabbed his hand and tugged him along towards a large willow tree.

“I’m gonna show you my friend- her name is Joy! She has two dads, isn’t that so cool! Some people make funs of her for it- but I find it cool! She’s really funny, there she is!” He pointed towards a girl, presumably 6 as well, in a princess costume, and very red hair.

“JOY! I FOUNDS US A FRIEND FOR OUR TEA PARTY!” hold on, tea party ?!

“It’s Princess Joy now,” the girl stated, surprisingly strict for someone so small. “Who is he?”

“Dis is Logan!” Adrian said, adding in a whispered, “he’s a buisnesses man”

“Hold on-” Logan tried. He suddenly found the purple princess in front of him, eyebrow raised. Was he about to get judged by a child?

“Hmm,” Joy said, looking him up and down before nodding. “He may stay.”

She turned around and strutted back to where she was sitting before. She dusted off her skirt before plopping down on the ground, gesturing for them to sit near her.

“We don’t have an actual table, so we gotta pretend.” Adrian whispered to him before skipping over and sitting near Joy. Logan reluctantly joined them.

“Princess Adrian, may you please pour the tea?” Joy instructed. Adrian nodded, miming the actions of pouring.

“Princess?”

“Yes, Peasant Logan,” Logan jerked his head back, this kid - “Princess is longer than prince so’s it’s better than a prince. Princess Adrian and me are both princesses.”

“Prince and princess are equal titles.” Logan said. Joy actually looked offended .

“Impossible.”

“Yeah!” Adrian chimed in, sitting himself down in his spot. “Everyone knows that.”

“But-”

“Princess Adrian! That’s rude, Logan’s a peasant so he didn’t know.” Joy said, taking a ‘sip’ of imaginary tea.

“Oh! Sorrys Logan.” Adrian’s voice lowered, and if Logan was right he was on the verge of tears?

“Er… It’s okay Adri- Princess Adrian.”

Adrian brightened. “YAAAY!” he cheered, getting up and bouncing around him. Logan didn’t know what to do-

“That is not princess behavior, Princess Adrian.” Joy said, turning up her nose. Adrian looked confused.

“It isn’t?”

“Princesses are more quiet. I’m 7, so I know better.”

“I’m 17,” Logan cut in. Joy turned to him.

“And? You’re still a peasant, Logan. I don’t makes the rules,” Joy put her cup of tea down. “I only knows them.”

Logan was about to respond, when-

“Woah, hey what’s going on here?” another voice said. Turning around, Logan saw Roman enter their little… area behind the leaves. He sighed.

Adrian gasped from beside him, nearly tripping over his feet in order to get to Roman. He peered up at him.

“Are yous a prince?” He asked, practically vibrating where he stood. Roman scoffed.

“Of course I am, I’m Prince Roman! I just lost my crown.” Roman announced. Adrian glanced at Joy, who nodded, causing Adrian to smile.

“I’m Princess Adrian! That’s,” he turned back around to point at Joy and Logan. “Princess Joy and Peasant Logan.” Roman, the bastard, hid his giggles behind his hand. Logan glared.

“Peasant Logan didn’t knows that princesses are higher than princes cause princess is longer. That’s true, right?” He asked, dragging Roman along to sit with them. Roman looked at Logan, smug.

“Of course! It’s common knowledge! For shame, Logan!” Roman exclaimed as he sat.

“For shame!” Adrian repeated. Logan groaned, shoving his face into his hands. This is not how he thought his day would go.

He felt a small hand pat his knee, and he looked up to see Joy looking at him with a sympathetic frown.

“It’s okay, Logan. Not all of us can be royalty.” She said, before returning to her princess persona and commanding, “Princess Adrian, would you may please pour Prince Roman some tea?”

Adrian nodded, standing up and dashing around the ‘table’ to give Roman his… ‘tea’.

“Thank you, Princess Adrian, I am forever in your debt.” Roman mock bowed from his sitting position. Adrian giggled before returning to Joy.

“Once we are done with our tea, we shall help you find your crown, Prince Roman.” Joy said before taking another sip.

“Of course. Thank you, Your Highness,” Roman faked taking a sip of his tea. “I must say, this tea is quite delicious! I commend your skills, Princess Joy.”

Joy preened at the praise, resituating the tiara on her head. “Thank you, Prince Roman. It is greatly appra- appre- appreciated.”

Minutes of his free time went by as they all mimed sipping tea and making small talk. Well, all except Logan. That quickly changed once Joy prompted him to start drinking, with Adrian and Roman piping up in agreement. Begrudgingly, Logan followed through.

Eventually, Joy stood up and announced that they had all finished their tea, and had to search for Roman’s crown. Logan argued that Roman’s crown didn’t exist. Joy said he was just a peasant and didn’t know what he was talking about. That shut Logan up pretty quick.

So, he was dragged around on the search for a crown he was certain didn’t exist. Joy separated them into teams, Roman and Joy on one, Logan and Adrian on the other. She said her reasoning was ‘one to search and one to protect’, with both her and Adrian on the search side.

Logan silently followed Adrian around as he set out to find it, looking in the places it couldn’t even be at times.

“Logan!” Adrian whispered, tugging on his sleeve. “Logan look! Issa bunny.”

And it was. A cream colored rabbit was frozen staring at them, ready to move at any sudden movement. Hm, that reminded him of Virgil… or was that rude?

He watched as Adrian slowly crept up on the rabbit. Logan looked around to find Joy and Roman. He saw Joy’s bright purple dress… in a tree? Roman was right next to her, carefully following to catch her if she fell while she was searching the tree.

He turned once more to Adrian, only to find him cuddling the bunny. Odd… if it were wild, it would have bolted the moment he came too close, so this one must be socialized. He walked towards Adrian and the rabbit.

Adrian smiled at him as he approached.

“I named him Jerry!” Adrian whispered, extending the rabbit towards Logan. “Wanna pet ‘im?”

Logan reached out to Jerry, only to jump back when it tried to bite him.

“Bad Jerry! Don’t bite people!” Adrian reprimanded the animal, as if it were a dog and not a clearly aggressive rabbit.

Well, at least when they brought it over to the other two it attempted to bite them, so at least it wasn’t exclusively Logan. It seemed to only like Adrian, to Adrian’s delight and Joy’s distaste. They were quickly corralled into a game of House by Joy, the quest for Roman’s crown forgotten.

Joy claimed herself as the father, saying, “I have two dads so I have to be the dad!”. Both Roman and Adrian nodded in agreement at her claim. She pointed to Logan.

“You shall be the mom!”

“ What- ”

“You act like a mom so you are a mom.” She cut him off, turning to Adrian and Roman for confirmation. They both agreed, Roman looking amused at Logan’s sneer.

“I’ll be the kid!” Adrian announced. Joy nodded and pointed to Roman.

“You can be the dog! Because you remind me of the golden dogs.” She said. Logan would’ve laughed if he hadn’t been put in a worse situation. Roman nodded, looking determined.

“Woof,” was all he said. Joy nodded once more.

“Perfect.”

—

So Logan found himself playing a game of House, something he hadn’t done in years . He interacted as little as they would let him, dear god if another student came and saw him like this, he wouldn’t survive.

He ended up there for far longer than he had wanted, a total of 6 hours since he was kicked out. Yet he was reluctant to leave, he knew it would break the kids hearts if he did.

He was finally freed from his metaphorical prison when a voice called,

“Adrian! Come on, we gotta drop off Joy at her dads’ house!” A woman called. Logan glanced at Adrian.

“Is that your mom?” he asked. Adrian nodded, turning to the two older men. He gave them both hugs, first Logan, then Roman. He even gave Roman his tiara, saying he was sorry they couldn’t find his crown, and he had more tiaras at home. He turned as Joy stood up and they both sprinted towards Adrian’s mom, well, only after Adrian had picked up Jerry.

Both of the remaining boys watched, amused, as Adrian seemed to argue with his mother before she gave up and let Jerry in the car. Before Adrian got in the car, though, he turned to the boys.

“Bye-bye Logan! Bye-bye Prince Roman!” he shouted, before disappearing into the car.

“So,” Roman started, and Logan mentally prepared to be poked fun at.

“See you at my house in a couple hours?” Logan blinked, once, twice, before he realized that he wasn’t being made fun of for playing with children for several hours. Well, he supposed that made sense, as Roman had done the same.

“Uh… sure.” Was all he said before making his way back home.

—

Logan was stressed, to say the least, when he got home. His parents were happy that he stayed out for longer than they had offered, but all Logan’s mind would acknowledge was that he went off schedule. He was going to be so behind, this is why you don’t go off schedule, Logan! You get looped into it, and you’ll never get out of it.

He dedicated the rest of his free time to studying.

As it should be.

[joyxsoul]

han jisung as ur boyfriend

-lmao there’s so many of these, but here’s another !! (highschool au rlly lol)

-okay, so u two met at school in ur senior year. he was a class clown type, always making jokes, being loud with his friends annoying every one of his teachers along the way.

-bUt, you made him soft !! like the instant he saw you, a little smile was on his face, making his friends (especially his best friend Felix) tease lil jisung, wondering who, or what could have made him this flustered

-i mean, he stopped talking for a full two hours after he saw you, your power

-anyways !!

-you had a couple of classes together, being history and english, and jisung just loved to watch you whenever there was free time between lectures

-it sounds hella creepy (it kinda was), but the way you scrunched your nose when you were concentrated, or your smirk when you finally figured something out or finished a project made his heart jump in his chest

-you were making THE han jisung shut up

-(like i said, your power :3)

-eventually, he grew the courage to talk to you (which included a pep talk from all of his closest friends, making him stand in front of the mirror and scream, “YOU ARE THE SHIT !!”)

-his tactic was to start with a pick-up line, a very classy, “on a scale of one to america, how free are you tonight ?” 

-hyunjin cringed listening to that one, seungmin was sure jisung had blew it and was gonna beat his ass after

-you were a bit surprised; you two weren’t in the same friend group and you hadn’t been seated together at any point

-but you DEFINITELY knew who he was bc who in this school didn’t know his group (a weird combination of crackheads, intellects, and stoners)

-i’ll let you decide who the stoners are in skz ;)

-being as easygoing as you were, you just laughed, responding with “are you from tennessee ? because you’re the only ten i see”

-jisung thought he was going to piss his pants he was so nervous 

-glad that he hadn’t completely ruined his image in front of you, he pulled out the empty chair beside you and struck up a conversation, most likely something related to the substitute asleep at the teacher’s desk

- you guys began to talk more often, working together on various projects, “studying” in the library (all it was was him pointing out random people in a textbook and saying, ‘that’s you’), and sitting together at lunch

-one night, he was facetiming you about homework for your history class. it was probably around 10 pm, and he spent most of the call complaining about how the pizza place messed up his order and gave him pepperoni instead of cheese 

-he had this gray hoodie on; he looked so tired and you constantly fussed over how he should get some more sleep, but he looked so cute in-

-wait did you just call him cute

-you couldn’t lie, jisung was attractive; his almond shaped eyes, his heart shaped mouth, his fluffy long hair, how his nickname was ‘quokka’ due to his face and his personality, how he texted you every morning and night, the way he said your name-

- “y/n ? is something wrong ? stop staring at my face.”

-oh shit you have a crush on han jisung

- “i told you to stop staring !! what, you have a crush on me or something ?” you shook yourself out of it, staring at him through the screen with wide eyes

-he was playing with the strings of his hoodie, his hair being messy with all the times he ran his hand through it. it was a habit you always rolled your eyes at; he’d obviously spend time in the mornings to make it look nice, only for him to ruin in ten minutes into talking about the cold war

-your other friends (wendy and lucas in particular) always teased you about your relationship with jisung

-”DO YOU SEE THOSE PUPPY EYES ?? LOOK AT HIM STARING AT YOU! !”

-”lucas please shut up.”

-but when you did look, jisung was staring at you, his smoothie straw hanging out of his mouth

-you couldn’t help but laugh at how dumb he looked

-and wow, you almost thought you saw his cheeks turn pink when you giggled 

“i know i wasn’t the only one who saw that.” lucas was looking like he was going to cry, wendy just looked fed up

-you didn’t know when your crush on him started. in those seconds of silence where you and jisung were just ogling at each other through the phone camera, you reflected on where it could’ve all gone wrong

-was it the time he held your hand when he was walking you home when an older man got too close for your liking ? or was it the time you were hanging out at his house and he fell asleep on your lap, only to smile in his sleep when you began running your fingers through his hair ? or was it the time when you two went out for boba tea when the waitress said you were a cute couple, only for him to smile and say, “thank you.”

“..y/n ?”

-”jisung, i have a crush on you.”

-silence

-pure silence

-oh my god, you messed everything up. the screen had gone black, you didn’t hear anything. building up your courage, you actually saw that he had hung up the phone, the numbers taunting you. 

-call ended  2:29

-you didn’t know what to do. your body felt numb, all sounds muted. you could only focus on a car passing by, a bird flying against the wind, the soft raindrops against the window.

-what are you supposed to do ? you had just lost the one person who you cared about the most. you two had known each other for a little over two months, but you'd already grown extremely close. you told him everything, he trusted you.

-and you fucked up a perfect, amazing friendship.

-the rain was getting heavier now, but you didn’t mind. it was always comforting to listen to, especially when you felt upset. your parents weren’t home until sunday, and as it was a saturday night, you had plenty of time to cry it out.

-”Y/N !!”

-god, you were going crazy, you swore you just heard jisung’s voice

-”Y/N !! PLEASE LET ME IN ITS RAINING AND I’M TIRED”

-dumbfounded, you looked out your bedroom window to find jisung, still wearing his gray hoodie, a little drenched, with pebbles in his hand

-oh wow he rlly went full rom com with this one

-rushing downstairs, you pulled open the front door, only to be attacked by a hug from jisung, giggling to himself in glee

- “i got here as fast as i could, i need you.” with that, he pressed his lips against yours, still wet from the rain. he smiled into it, letting out a chuckle when you kissed him back. you pulled away quickly though, the blush on your cheeks turning into a full on tomato. jisung pouted, you poking his face as he flushed pink

- “in case you couldn't tell, i like you too. thought it was obvious.” he elbowed you, leading you up to your room while muttering “this isn’t real, this isn’t real”

-”you sleepy ?” you asked, making room for him on the bed. he just nodded, saying the homework could wait

-it was a little past midnight, and all you wanted to do was sleep. you climbed in, turning off all the lights, feeling jisung’s arms snake around your waist. he put his head into your neck, humming a song that wasn't familiar. just feeling his breath on your neck was making you drift off

- “goodnight sunshine, i’ll see you in the morning.” he placed a lazy kiss on your cheek, and drifted off.

-when it came to you two actually dating, no one was surprised (except mark, but he was oblivious at the best of times). the rest of skz couldn’t care less about what you looked like; they all knew how happy you made jisung and really, that’s all that matters

-jisung was always clingy, but dating him made it worse. he was always nearby, wanting to hold your hand, wanting to play with your fingers; basically any excuse to touch you. if you don’t like pda, he would definitely respect that, it made all those moments you shared with him that much more special

-he always had a nickname for you, but ever since you had first met, ‘sunshine’ had stuck. you never knew why, but jisung just thought you glowed, even at 3 pm on a school day or 7 am on a weekend because wow he loves you

-more than anything, he loved when you played with his hair, whether you were just touching it, or running your hands through it

-he might have liked it a bit too much, but uh you were not ready to venture down that path

-jisung would also spray his cologne on all of the hoodies he gave you because he knows how much you love it

-you have SO MANY OF HIS HOODIES IN YOUR HOME

-it’s not funny

-you keep telling him to take them back, but he doesn’t want them ?? “cooties bro. can’t.”

-you aren’t complaining, they’re comfy >:((

-jisung teases the ShiT oUt OF yOU

-like one day you came into class with your friend acting cute in an attempt to steal some of her hot cheetos

-only to have HEADASS just stare at you blankly, exclaiming “you look mentally unstable” while he laughed at you

-this along with doing middle school boy shit

-i’m talking taking your notebook and hiding it in another spot of the classroom, scaring you in the hallway, making you pull worksheets out of his hands while he passed them out

-think of ANYTHING that gives off middle school boy energy, he’s done it

-as annoying as he is

-he loves you. a lot. like, his main goal in your relationship is to make sure you’re happy with him, that you aren’t going to leave him because he isn’t putting the effort in

-you keep assuring him you love him, that you’d never do that to him. but no matter how many times he nods, or smiles

-there’s uncertainty in his eyes. because of that, he always assures you how beautiful you are, stays up all night if he has to when you pull an all nighter to study, gives you all the hoodies he can provide

-not only because he feels like he has to, but he’d do anything to see you happy; no matter how tired he feels 

-it breaks his heart to see you upset

-one day, you had gotten a test back while hanging out at jisung’s house, trying to help him study. you opened your score and your heart dropped. a 59%. that’s the worst you’d ever done. you had stayed up multiple nights to study, putting off your own personal needs in order to success

-it wasn’t enough. and that hurt

-jisung saw you start to cry and he  f r e a k e d

-oh god, his precious sunshine was crying and he didn’t know what to do

-he fumbled for a bit, saying, “it’s going to be okay !! it’s just one grade !!” only for you to cry harder and him to freak out even more

-eventually, he just hugged you from behind, laying you down on the couch. you were shaking so bad and it was making jisung tear up; he really hated seeing you like this 

-he knew talking wouldn't help, so he let you cry, wiping away your tears and rubbing small circles into your back. 

-”you’re okay sunshine, just hold onto me.” you always thought you didn’t deserve someone like him. someone so loving, so supportive. 

-but you love him. you’ve never loved someone like him; how dumb he sounded but always gave the best advice, always teasing you at any time during the day but shows up in front of your door with flowers just because

-and so when he sings “i smile” while caressing your cheek, you know there’s no place you’d rather be. in his arms, the vibration of his voice lulling you to sleep and just how warm he was

-and when you got to see him perform with the rest of his rapping group, your eyes just couldn’t leave him. his charisma, his confidence, how he’d always wink at you when he spotted you in the crowd. he was truly ethereal there, almost angelic in whatever he wore, because look at him

-almost nothing was better than seeing him backstage after a show to see him; him smirking when he’d pull you into his arms still sweaty when he’d whisper “missed you babydoll”

-no matter how much he’d nag you for staying up too late and not putting enough time into yourself, and no matter how much you’d nag him for not eating enough, you wouldn’t trade each other for the moon and all of her stars

-if soulmates existed, you were lucky enough to find yours in a shitty high school at 9:40 a.m. with a cheesy pick-up line

-but you wouldn’t have it any other way

AGHHHHH i really hope everyone liked this ?? ugh, it feels so rushed, but it’s really late here, so i hope i did sungie justice :((

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: Afternoon Janis: ugh, been here that long? 😒 Jimmy: Flown by, has it? Janis: been delightful Janis: must get back more often Janis: what are you doing, tell me its something equally as shit Jimmy: 🐕🏃💩 Jimmy: and trying to ask you a question Janis: go on then Janis: just make sure it ain't stupid Jimmy: Do you know owt about this fair that's about 'cause Cass won't shut up saying she's gonna go in a bit Janis: oh yeah Janis: up on the big playing fields Janis: every fucker goes, probably why she wanna Jimmy: Alright so every dickhead like there'll be kids she knows from school there or every dickhead like she's gonna get murdered? Janis: awh Janis: like the cool kids are allowed to go down with a fiver on their own and the less cool kids have their parents hovering in the back Janis: she'll be good, won't kidnap her make her work the rides, like Jimmy: 👌 Janis: kid would probably like it and all though Janis: and I wouldn't advise letting him go alone, or with Cass to be promptly dumped when he ain't tall enough for the decent rides Jimmy: I'm not my dad Jimmy: @ him with that advice Janis: don't remind me Janis: 💔 Jimmy: Well you're uninvited now so 💔 is right Janis: don't be like that Janis: you know you want me to win you a 🧸 Jimmy: Don't be trying to butter me up 'cause you know Ian couldn't win owt Jimmy: proper fickle you Janis: called keeping you on your toes Janis: but if you can't keep up, like Jimmy: and this is called putting you in your place, dickhead Jimmy: 🥇 and 1st choice me, tah Janis: not that I don't love the self-worth Janis: but don't be tearing me down for it Janis: I'm 🥇 forever Jimmy: you'll need to get used to it if you're planning to be with him Janis: not the plan Jimmy: You coming with us then or what? Janis: sure Janis: anything to get out of here and it sounds vaguely wholesome so they'll get off my case Janis: when you going? Jimmy: Tell them you have to so it don't look like I'm on Cass' case Jimmy: then she gets to be 😎 an' all Jimmy: How soon can you get here without being in more trouble for it? Jimmy: Can't be a really late late one if Bob's coming Janis: yeah, that'll swing it Janis: vaguely irresponsible childcare is their shit Janis: gimme 10 to convince them and like, 20 to meet you there Janis: be quicker Jimmy: 👍 Janis: she got a group of mates she hangs with or what Jimmy: or what Janis: still a laugh Janis: get us in for free too Jimmy: I didn't realise Grace was a paid 🤡 Jimmy: all that makeup makes loads more sense now Janis: 😏 Janis: she just shares foundation with her white friends #aspirationalshades Janis: nah but I know how to avoid the entrance/fee so don't go in without me Jimmy: I wouldn't dream of it, babe Janis: 💕 Jimmy: You gonna wear a 🌹 for me, Juliet or am I gonna have to try and remember what you look like? Janis: no way to go about getting me to wear anything for you, boy Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: might get a few 👀 and 😳 if you turn up with nowt on, girl Janis: you got dad jokes now Janis: every day we get further away from 😎 boy Jimmy: 45 and single would be more depressing, don't you reckon? Janis: no one's 😂 at that, fair Jimmy: See, know what I'm doing, me Janis: master planner, yeah Jimmy: Not done a bad one yet, like Janis: depends on your definition, that Jimmy: Depends on yours Jimmy: I said what I said Janis: hot Jimmy: that your plan is it? Janis: hm? Jimmy: Challenge accepted Jimmy: I've got the stamina for all night 😍😍🤤🤤 easy Janis: don't need to fake it Janis: 💀👑 and co aren't gonna be there chowing down on a dirty burger to go pukeup on the waltzer Janis: probs Jimmy: now that's hot Jimmy: warn me next time if you're gonna throw around words that paint such vivid pictures Janis: you're the poet 'round here, got it 😏 Jimmy: not any more 💔🎻 Janis: awh come on, you like it when I'm on top really 🏆 Jimmy: You're just on a roll then, yeah? Jimmy: Couldn't stop with the poetry if you wanted to Jimmy: Alright fine, keep talking Jimmy: You've got me all 👂 Janis: if I was really rolling with it, I'd say that's not the part of you I most wanna affect Janis: but we're being wholesome this evening Jimmy: Oi, I signed nowt agreeing to that Janis: 🥇 brother, babe Jimmy: 😒😒😒 Janis: I know Janis: but that'll be Cass if you don't give her space and what the kid don't know won't hurt him so Janis: not all doom and gloom Jimmy: I know an' all Jimmy: she's told me every chance she gets how shit her hols have been Jimmy: but I don't remember signing owt that makes them my problem Janis: wouldn't be a kid if she didn't say that Janis: never live up to the hype of not being stuck in a shithole for 6 hours a day, like Jimmy: she needs to delete her socials even more than I do Jimmy: all them dickheads putting 💡 and #s in her head that I can't compete with and Ian ain't trying to Janis: it's the worst Janis: either in some all-inclusive in spain or having shopping sprees and sleepovers every day, yeah Janis: when in reality they're filling their pockets with bread rolls for lunch at the breakfast buffet or stealing hairbands from penneys Janis: can have a word, if you want Janis: girl's shit, really Jimmy: she'd deck you, mate Jimmy: Tah from me though Jimmy: do my best to protect you and that gorgeous face Janis: 😏 Janis: I have tact, you know Jimmy: I know, but you don't know her Jimmy: she's Janis: no worries Janis: not like I'm dying to Jimmy: that'll be mutual Jimmy: had to stop her sending 💀💀💀 threats to my ex Jimmy: only allowed to laugh about it when she's out the room Janis: it's nice Janis: that you're all close like that Jimmy: it's necessary when your dad's a bellend and your mum ain't about Jimmy: it'd be nice if she had some mates Janis: it'll happen Jimmy: not if she keeps holding her fucking breath on us going back Jimmy: she won't get it through her head that it ain't gonna happen Janis: pretty standard too ain't it Janis: when you don't wanna be somewhere Janis: sure someone can deal with being her 'temporary' mate and break through Jimmy: We could be gone tomorrow and it won't matter Jimmy: problem for another place Jimmy: and different kids Janis: you reckon Jimmy: ? Janis: well, ain't that the same idea Cass has got Jimmy: I said, she's keeping hold of the wrong one Janis: yeah but what's the difference Janis: she reckons you're going back, you reckon you're going on Janis: fact is, you're probably stuck for the forseeable Jimmy: Difference is, she'll get 💔 Janis: and you wont Jimmy: Why would I? Janis: Don't know Janis: asking you Jimmy: I'm not the one expecting my old mates to put themselves on pause or my mum to be waiting with open arms to fix owt Janis: no Janis: it's fucked Janis: but what can you do Jimmy: move on Janis: right Jimmy: How much 💰💰 should I actually give her for this bollocks? Janis: tenner? Jimmy: 👍 Janis: what did your ex do then Jimmy: For a job? Clothes shop Janis: to warrant 💀 threats, idiot Jimmy: Does owt warrant death threats? Janis: loads Jimmy: There you go, she did loads then Janis: alright Jimmy: What you asking about her for? Janis: said it was 😂 Jimmy: What Cass reckons she can get away with always is Jimmy: usually does an' all, to make it funnier Janis: see, nice Janis: outside a shop, you want anything or should I keep 🏃 Jimmy: crack on Janis: 👍 Janis: you're excited to get your vom on, I get it Jimmy: Gotta keep 💀👑 #invested Janis: you know your 😎 went through the roof when you deleted Janis: just part of the master plan, not stupid, like Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: you're meant to say you did it for me Janis: 💔 Jimmy: Baby Jimmy: everything I do is for you and you know it 💕 Janis: better be Janis: can report on how #ungoals you've become at any time Janis: be warned Jimmy: That meant to scare me? I ain't the one who easily does, my dear Janis: 😑 Janis: such a dickhead Jimmy: you Jimmy: I still like you though Janis: never done anything wrong, thank you Janis: 'cept liking you, maybe Janis: such a bad boy after-all Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: not tonight, you said Janis: that don't sound like me Janis: you sure? Jimmy: have a read back if you don't wanna take my word Janis: maybe you're not you Janis: sounding a lot like a 🤓 rn Jimmy: Piss off Janis: prove me wrong Jimmy: come here Janis: [does 'cos always saying shit when she's nearly there ofc] Jimmy: [soz siblings he's got something to prove so look away] Janis: [just like ewww lmao, at least she's gonna sneak you in the back so earning some points back] Jimmy: [Cass will be impressed by that deffo] Janis: [prove you ain't lame babe] Jimmy: [#notlikehisex] Janis: [just denying he has siblings 'cos not got the time lol] Jimmy: [mhmmm] Janis: [we all know the sort] Jimmy: [soz that you're too busy fucking half the north including your dad's mate, babe] Janis: [oosh, not a mood, unlike playing all these funfair games 'cos competitive] Jimmy: [I love it, he should win her a bear to go with the one he stole lol] Janis: [yasss, also Bobby needs to have a go on the hook a duck 'cos easy and be buzzin' about it] Jimmy: [my fave and yeah they should both help him do some of the other games cos team effort] Janis: [lil squad] Jimmy: [win him over so casually Janis, love that for you] Janis: [kids are easily won over if you aren't OTT/or just plain rude either way] Jimmy: [nevertheless Jimmy would be hardcore 😍 cos nobody else has bothered] Janis: [what a gay old time, what should happen, should anyone else be here ooh possibilities] Jimmy: [oooh fair point, we could always have Grace be if we don't wanna the drama of the others cos her and Mia had that domestic so] Janis: [why not although why are you here girl, just straight chilling lol] Jimmy: [feasible she could be with a lad and we know it wouldn't be goals so makes them more goals] Janis: [awkward, at least you can't fully doubledate it 'cos there are children here also but could put Bobby on them for a sec so they can go on a decent ride alone] Jimmy: [that was the thought I had cos Grace loves kids that's heartbreaking true facts] Janis: [poor babe] Jimmy: [and if Bobby don't hate her we can use her as a babysitter when we need at other points too haha] Janis: [shameless] Jimmy: [I dread to think the lad she is with ugh honey no] Janis: [ditch him for this child lowkey] Jimmy: [she would and that's the tea] Janis: [go on all those big kid rides lads] Jimmy: Do I need to pick up our kid and leg it?  👀 Janis: she'll be fine Janis: got enough around that you have to be semi-competent, like Jimmy: 🥇 recommendation that, babe Janis: you want her to give you references Janis: like I'd let her if she was gonna fuck it up Jimmy: and what if that twat she were with comes back? Janis: doubt he's a child snatcher, even if he is a twat Janis: can go back, if you're worried but seriously, it's fine Jimmy: Alright, shut up Jimmy: it's just Jimmy: I have to look out for him Jimmy: no fucker else is Janis: I'm not taking the piss Janis: honest Janis: I promise she knows what she's doing, yeah Jimmy: At least if 💀👑 appears we'll have a valid excuse to finally kill her Janis: yeah? Janis: wouldn't be caught dead saying she's got sweets in her car though Janis: 🐶s maybe but definitely have a dog walker and just take sweet 'grams of it Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: surrounded by bitches, her Janis: always, just don't let babysitter hear you Janis: bit rude Jimmy: You better shut me up then Jimmy: [pulling her into a kiss obvs] Janis: [just have your moment, I like to think they're on a ferris wheel which 100% they could all go on so you didn't need to do that alone but you did for the romance] Jimmy: [that's so cute though, I like to also think about how before they would've taken so many pics for the fans but now it's either none or just actually for them] Janis: [truly, we love the fake time but it is a cluster fuck for yous] Jimmy: [just have a nice time making out to make use of your alone time you two, I'd say bang but too many peeps would see you] Janis: [like when someone got a beej on the coachella one and the clip was everywhere lmao] Jimmy: [omg what really!? amazing] Janis: [yes and everyone thought it was james charles, giving, I think and he had to be like no lol] Jimmy: [iconic] Jimmy: [then get on them cray rides and try not to 🤢 your candy floss boyyy] Janis: [imagine, sexy] Jimmy: [he won't he only voms when other peeps do so as long as nobody else does when they get off lol] Janis: [just running so you don't see 'cos peeps always do, bless] Jimmy: [gotta be tough and impress the bae] Janis: [know they're having a lovely time] Jimmy: [I'm glad we chose this now, v them but also Cass and Bobby would be living for it so] Janis: [it's a good idea, and like a reasonable everyday life vibe like not everyone is living lavish or being wild as hell it's not a thing, don't wanna be those bitches] Jimmy: [and even Grace would be having a good time so that makes me happy cos I'm so mean to her haha] Janis: [poor grace, bobby should give her his prize 'cos janis has that massive bear] Jimmy: [when a 6 year old is nicer to you than any lad you've been with, god bless] Janis: [don't cry girl] Jimmy: [so glad you've made a real friend babe even though he's a bub] Janis: [meanwhile don't get carried away you two, can't leave him with her forever] Jimmy: [do get a bit carried away though cos you're still you] Janis: [obvs, should go on some funhouse vibe thing, you know where the floors move and mirror mazes, that kinda vibe] Janis: [get lost for a bit] Jimmy: [a mood] Janis: [just being shameless in those dark corners honey] Jimmy: [you gotta cos these kids are gonna have had too much sugar, they ain't going to bed early lol] Janis: [oh ian, if only you were about to dump that mess on] Jimmy: [omg what if he is about with a lady friend and we ruin it] Jimmy: [casually trying to have a glass of wine but think again] Janis: [hahaha why not, any chance to piss him off] Jimmy: [my thoughts exactly] Janis: [plenty of places they can do if he throws a strop later] Jimmy: [yeah true and that could be a mood in itself if we want, plus Cass would let y'all back in eventually cos you are in her good books rn] Janis: [gotta gang up on Ian always on principle] Jimmy: [the real squad goals] Janis: [truly, is there any other shennanigans we want at the fair that we should document in here] Jimmy: [he should be a 🦋 cos such a basic white girl thing lol] Janis: [yasss lmao] Jimmy: [what are you gonna pick girl?] Janis: [hmm 🐍] Jimmy: [gonna have to shower together later to take that off, what a shame] Janis: [oh no 😏] Jimmy: [not soz about your water bill Ian] Jimmy: [oh they should get food so they can sit for a bit] Janis: [yas, there's all the trash food at the fair] Jimmy: [we all know they could eat it walking but they wanna be cute] Janis: [make the most of that time kids] Jimmy: 👍? Janis: [when your mouth probably is that full so you can't talk lol] Janis: 👍 Janis: 😋🤤 Jimmy: were talking about the grub but go on 💕😏 Janis: 🙄😏 Janis: you're alright too, I guess Jimmy: 🥇🦋 me Janis: better put the grwm up asap Jimmy: [looks around dramatically as if Grace is gonna be summoned by the phrase GRWM like shhh] Janis: [lols] Janis: don't tempt fate Jimmy: you Janis: [mimes 🤐] Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: I'm trying to talk to you Janis: a bad date, you know that Jimmy: cheap ain't bad to me, rich girl Jimmy: you're alright Janis: [a look] Jimmy: [always keeping that eye contact going] Janis: ['I-'] Jimmy: ['yeah, you'] Janis: [nudges him like oi but shakes her head] Jimmy: [nudges her back and nods] Janis: trying to talk to you, you know Jimmy: Go on then Janis: can't Jimmy: Why? Janis: [mimes 🤐 again but we know that ain't it sis] Jimmy: [mimes unzipping her lips and does the thing where you brush your thumb over the bottom one at the same time] Janis: [goes to kiss him like let's do that instead tah] Jimmy: [leans in like he's gonna let it happen but then whispers in her ear instead 'say something' but is then loving upon her 👂 cos love a throwback and a mood] Janis: [when that took you by surprise and you're failing to hide that so you just kinda blurt out 'I've had a really good time' then you're so 😒😳 at yourself] Jimmy: [actual kisses that she can feel him smiling during because same] Janis: [being appreciate af for all the reasons tbh but mainly that he didn't take the piss then] Jimmy: [It's a MOMENT for all the reasons] Janis: [between kisses 'I didn't just come to help you, you know that, yeah?'] Jimmy: [kissing her harder because you know but that don't mean you know what to say, tables have quickly turned lol] Janis: [can always rely on a makeout sesh when words fail] Jimmy: [live your best lives kids] Janis: we should probably go back yeah Jimmy: [when you shamelessly don't wanna so you're just keeping the love going like you didn't read that] Janis: ['Jimmy' hardly making him stop though 'cos you're not dying to go yourself] Jimmy: ['just gimme one more...' are you gonna say minute or second or kiss or what boy?] Janis: ['I'm not going anywhere'] Jimmy: [this boy is actually DYING like the noise he would make we can only imagine because that was so the right thing to say] Janis: [shhing him with your finger but you're 😍] Jimmy: ['let's go somewhere-' getting that finger in his mouth like he did when he was drunk but drunk in love instead honey 'for a bit'] Janis: [your turn to make some noises, just nodding like we gotta, 'they'll call if they need us, yeah'] Jimmy: [just lowkey dragging her away but still kissing so watch out crowds of peeps] Janis: [always causing a scene] Jimmy: [not even trying to this time, ILY you two] Janis: [just that highkey] Jimmy: [they should probably go back soon though fr] Janis: [sad but yes] Jimmy: [Grace will be gutted to lose her new bestie] Janis: [we should do a convo with them] Jimmy: [why not tbh] Janis: [by which I mean grace and janis, not grace and bobby, soz babe lol] Jimmy: [hahaha don't worry babe we'll make sure you stay in touch with that lil man] Janis: [going to need to find cass] Jimmy: [start sending those texts boy] Janis: [you know she gonna be cheeky and try and stay out longer tis her prerrogative] Jimmy: [mhm it'll be like in Euphoria when they have to search for her sister but less drama lol] Janis: [yes don't need to be that concerned, yet] Jimmy: [put Bobby on your shoulders so he can look for her like that scary grass movie] Janis: [that was a time] Jimmy: [I'VE JUST REALISED TWIX IS ALL ALONE AT HOME AND NOW I'M FORLORN] Janis: [my boo says noooooo lmao] Jimmy: [I hope she's destroyed Ian's stuff tbh] Janis: [start the hate train honey, they'll be back soon] Jimmy: [we can probably assume that its not far if he lives near school cos usually on the field like] Janis: [my thoughts, it won't be far] Jimmy: [I like to think that Bobby is chatting the whole way cos had the best time and is buzzing] Janis: [he deserves that, also Jimmy to not be getting an earful, thanks kids] Jimmy: You had a good time then? Janis: oi Jimmy: What? Janis: don't take the piss Jimmy: ? Janis: I told you I did Jimmy: So what that's all you're gonna say about it? Janis: what would you like me to say Jimmy: Why don't you have owt to say to me today? Janis: I've said loads to you Jimmy: Alright Janis: what Janis: soz I'm not known for my conversation Jimmy: I said alright Janis: 'cos that means it is Jimmy: if it weren't, I'd say Janis: alright Jimmy: No need to be a dickhead Janis: can't win with you Jimmy: Bollocks Janis: do you wanna say something or what Jimmy: Are you waiting for me to say something? Janis: for god's sake Jimmy: Don't have a go at me Janis: Well this is just stupid Jimmy: Obviously Jimmy: forget I said owt Janis: whatever Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 👌 Jimmy: [lets get them in the gaff cos that won't be awks hi Ian] Janis: [already in such a good mood, least he can't do shit if he's got a bird in, pretend he ain't raging like] Jimmy: [Cass just asking if he paid her to be here like she always does] Janis: [just there trying not to lol but not trying that hard like 😏] Jimmy: told you she were funny Janis: didn't doubt it Janis: boy's on one too with his sugar high Jimmy: never a bad plan me, told you that an' all Janis: you can't claim credit for this Jimmy: Why? Janis: let him have his moment all to himself, you diva Jimmy: don't sound like me, that Janis: stage mum vibes, tbh Jimmy: If that's your way of bowing out of karaoke night down the local Jimmy: so subtle you Janis: just 'cos I ain't Beyonce, don't mean I couldn't own you Janis: and likewise Jimmy: come on then Jimmy: I fancy a drink even more now you've promised me a show with it Janis: seriously Janis: drink, fine Jimmy: 🙀? Janis: 1. I doubt the local even has a karaoke night Janis: 2. are you gonna as well Jimmy: 1. it does and it's happening right now Jimmy: 2. What you scared for? All paddys have the voice of a 😇 so I've heard Jimmy: 3. like a choir boy me Janis: 1. just kill me now, romeo Janis: 2. not scared, just not a MASSIVE show-off like you 🤷😉 Janis: 3. more like the priest, perv Jimmy: Stop stalling, girl Janis: ugh Janis: get your coat then, mate Jimmy: [grabs his jacket but throws it at her because he's tough obvs lol] Janis: ['hide in it when you embarrass me' and mimics as much] Jimmy: ['hide your blushes when you embarrass yourself more like'] Janis: ['given you no reason to doubt me, deny that'] Jimmy: ['You can piss off if you reckon I have'] Janis: ['did I say that?'] Jimmy: [pushes her along like come on but playfully not like #problematic] Janis: [pushes back but when they're out the door pulls him back into her 'you gonna still fancy me if its really bad?'] Jimmy: ['You were warned that you'd be dumped for not keeping shit goals' but pulls her even closer to him] Janis: [pouts, 'knew you were just waiting for an excuse'] Jimmy: ['an excuse to stay off the socials for a bit maybe' does the biting of the pouty lip kiss thing for what I think is the first time omg 'you still gonna cheer me on if you're the only dickhead watching?'] Janis: ['won't livestream it' 🤞 and into that, a lot 'I'll have to get over my heartbreak, real fast but yeah, you're a mate'] Jimmy: [🚬 even though its not remotely far to the pub, we know the drill she's getting one lit first even though he didn't ask if she wanted one] Janis: ['get me a couple shots of whiskey when we get there and my voice should be-' does the chef's kiss thing] Jimmy: [gives her a look like what'll take for you to believe in my best laid plans #cheeky cos he didn't plan that vocal advantage at all lol] Janis: [shakes head 'nah, you like winning too much...' pauses like she's working it out then gasps dramatically 'OH MY GOD- ARE YOU PETE'S SINGER?! If he's there, all bets are off, need at least 2 weeks to rehearse my number properly'] Jimmy: [lols before he can stop himself even though the jealousy of thinking she wants to fuck Pete is so real] Janis: ['you should know how long stage costumes take to make, mommy' pushes into his side but kisses his cheek whilst she's at it] Jimmy: [😏 to hide the jealousy 😒 mood 'oi, it's daddy or nowt, tah'] Janis: [lols 'yeah right'] Jimmy: [get in that pub and order that whiskey boy its really not far] Janis: [i need to think of a song damn] Jimmy: [he is blatantly doing romeo and juliet by dire straits cos MUST] Janis: [i so knew hmm] Janis: [have to do some prince, go off honey] Jimmy: [let's say he goes first so he don't have to follow her after she's slayed the game] Janis: [we all know it's gonna be adorable also excuse me i think they still have their face paint on Janis: lmao the pub peeps like oh god] Jimmy: [omg yes because fled from Ian so haven't showered yet] Janis: [oh boys i love that for you] Jimmy: [when he's gonna be so 😍😍😍 at her talent though bye] Janis: [when you wouldn't think you were anything special 'cos your role in the fam ain't that, same with art, like there's always someone that's better than you] Jimmy: [literally also Grace's mood even before she had Mia as a friend to put her down but she's GOOD and I'm mad at Cali for having so many talented beautiful kids tbh] Jimmy: Pete's fucked up if you ain't his lead singer, Jules Jimmy: 💔 we didn't livestream now to @ him and all his bandmates Janis: I ain't Janis: no accounting for taste but don't reckon his love of rock chicks goes as deep as face tats Janis: 💔 you look so pretty Jimmy: [lols and genuine smiles] Jimmy: Oi, I'm serious Janis: and I ain't? Janis: psh, think the auld fella in the corner was 😢 at your rendition Janis: probably thinking 'bout the ex, and the kids Jimmy: Seriously take the compliment then Jimmy: I don't mean it like my ex shattering the shower glass and reckoning she's Mariah when all she is is a menace to local 🐕s Jimmy: You're Jimmy: proper good Janis: [is 😳 but trying to play it off for both their sakes] Janis: if any pint glasses hit the deck, that weren't me Janis: back me up, yeah Jimmy: we're a team, I don't get to do nowt else Jimmy: [goes to get her celebratory drinks because swag bitch] Jimmy: I'll take your well subtle hint though brb Janis: is that your subtle hint you ain't happy being my backup singer? Janis: it's an important if overlooked job, babe Jimmy: not to you Jimmy: I'd have to go full poltergeist to get noticed at all Janis: but baby Janis: always shared the spotlight before Jimmy: I meant what I just said Janis: I know but Janis: idk what to say so Jimmy: shut up and let me get a word in then Jimmy: or just drink this Jimmy: [boy returns] Janis: bit rude Janis: [but takes drink happily and takes big swig like okay let's hear it] Jimmy: bit fuming that you've been sitting on a talent that massive Jimmy: [takes a swig of his drink too which I like to think is something he made up like when my brother put shots of apple sours in a pint of strongbow and got one for me so I started doing it too on nights out and blew my friends minds] Jimmy: [casually made it up on the spot just then for her and her victory cos he's that bitch] Janis: [yas, love that for you guys, just doing a 'not bad' face 'cos you can't place what it is fully but you like it] Janis: why? Janis: should we monetize it, like 💰💰💰 Jimmy: You ain't in owt for the cash, always hearing it from you, rich girl Janis: don't remember putting it like that tah but alright, you can still be 😠😠😠 Jimmy: Tah for giving me permission to out diva you, babe Jimmy: give it my best off the stage anyway Janis: [😏] Jimmy: hit more high notes then an' all Janis: [lols] Janis: shh Janis: make me 😳 Jimmy: Best laid plans Jimmy: you know that one's my fave Janis: you're mine Janis: [pop off sis, you must be tipsy, but quickly drink some more to be sure] Jimmy: [when you were taking a drink and nearly choke to death] Janis: [when you wanna die but are casually smacking him on his back so he don't like oh god] Jimmy: 💀💀💀 me you will Janis: don't Jimmy: don't is right, we're meant to go together Janis: then focus on breathing Janis: preferably when there's 🚱 Jimmy: No need, I come alive for you remember Jimmy: I only stop breathing when you ain't about Janis: still the poet Jimmy: still got a 🥇 muse Janis: 'course Janis: say I'm the Cher to your Sonny but no need to throw those allegations around Jimmy: Do throw me a warning if you're gonna go around being that stunning and good at loads more things though, yeah? Janis: should've got a ⚠ not a 🐍 noted Jimmy: [traces along the 🐍 with a fingertip lightly and oh so casually] Janis: [sighs blissfully and closes her eyes 'cos touch but also a mixed sigh of that and frustration 'cos-] Janis: am I ever gonna be able to tell what you mean and what you don't Jimmy: You could ask me Janis: every five seconds, that'd get old fast Jimmy: I've got a little brother and a puppy, it's nowt I couldn't handle Janis: Yeah, well want those to be the comparisons you go to Jimmy: Baby Janis: don't worry, it's a me problem Janis: not you Jimmy: I like you, that makes it my problem too Jimmy: if you don't know Janis: It's like Janis: I know you wanna fuck me Janis: and I know we have a laugh too Janis: there's just lots of stuff that doesn't strictly fit into either of those catergories Jimmy: Alright so gimme an example Janis: we're gonna sit here and sort it all out, are we? Janis: ain't there anything else you'd rather with your night of freedom Jimmy: Why not? Janis: [shakes head] Janis: we could fuck Janis: or have fun Janis: or a combination of the two Janis: easy Jimmy: If that's what you want Janis: well not if you don't Janis: not the point Jimmy: I never said I don't Janis: you didn't say what you do wanna do with tonight though Janis: think about it, imma go take a piss Janis: [run girl run] Jimmy: [downing that drink, fun times] Janis: [takes a bold amount of time for a piss and when she comes back she's taken the snake off] Jimmy: [he's at the bar ordering more drinks obvs but gotta NOTICE like the whole world stops honey, just staring at her not at all casually from across] Janis: [just looking back for the longest time] Janis: a good choice Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Janis: pisshead Jimmy: You're one to try and talk Janis: psh Janis: can't take back singing your praises about mine, honey 🎤 Jimmy: Oh I weren't Jimmy: if owt it makes it more impressive that you can carry a tune Jimmy: still 🤐 Janis: love a backhanded compliment, you Janis: not gonna shout across this bar Jimmy: not gonna say nowt Jimmy: you can save your excuses Janis: what you being such a dick for Jimmy: [comes back with the drinks as if that means he isn't a moody hoe okay then] Janis: [just looking at him like go on then] Jimmy: I don't get you Janis: what don't you get? Jimmy: sometimes you're so with me it feels like taking a massive breath Jimmy: and that I could live off it for days Jimmy: but then Janis: [looks away] Janis: I can't always be here Janis: that's how it's been long as it's worth remembering Jimmy: Do you wanna be here? Jimmy: this now Jimmy: do you even want it? Janis: wanting shit is Janis: dangerous Jimmy: [gets up to go without finishing that drink even] Janis: ['hey'] Jimmy: [ignoring her in a not at all casual manner] Janis: ['stop' and getting up to follow] Jimmy: [outside and lighting a 🚬 but none for you Janis cos ultimate shade] Janis: ['are you gonna fucking talk to me or even look at me?'] Jimmy: [a stare down moment like] Janis: [holding it 'I didn't say I didn't want it, just that it's dangerous, I still do'] Jimmy: [just giving her such a look because he knows how dangerous it is to want anything too obvs] Janis: ['and it ain't just about wanting either, I told you, sometimes I can't, even if I'm physically here...and that's not 'cos I don't wanna be, it's just-' shrugs 'like I said, how it's been, from before you were here'] Jimmy: [passes her the 🚬] Janis: [just the longest drag of all time 'a me problem, I told you'] Jimmy: ['I've got my own, I ain't standing here crossing my fingers that you're some perfect lass or reckoning that I'm world class enough to cross all yours out'] Janis: ['I know, like I know you're meant to carry on and do things in spite of but that don't mean it's as easy as it sounds does it'] Jimmy: [shakes his head cos again #relatable and he does know. Takes the 🚬 back and takes his own big drag 'I just know that I want you, as much of a challenge, or not, as it is to keep on dating you'] Janis: ['You know I want you too, I said it first, not changed'] Jimmy: ['do it properly with me then'] Janis: ['are we dating then?'] Jimmy: ['Do you want to?'] Janis: [a look like why do I need to answer always, boy 'I don't know, what's it like?'] Jimmy: ['Dating me? Hang on, I'll give my ex a bell and you can hear it from her'] Janis: [🙄 'Well, she'll obviously put me off, wants you back'] Jimmy: [🙄 back] Janis: ['would it be like this?'] Jimmy: ['Are you gonna get more or less jealous when you're my real girlfriend?'] Janis: ['What do you mean?' Jimmy: ['Are you gonna send her death threats or a sorry for your loss card, like?'] Janis: ['Cass has got your covered, ain't she'] Jimmy: ['So?'] Janis: [squirming 'cos you are jealous but don't wanna say but don't wanna lie and 'come on'] Jimmy: [up in her grill as he likes to be 'you'] Janis: [ just staring at his lips so hardcore and biting her own 'it is her loss but I'm not gonna bother with the card, alright?'] Jimmy: [touching her bottom lip like he did earlier but pressing harder with his thumb than he did then 'just bother with me, no-one else'] Janis: [the noise she makes would be unholy 'cos the sheer tension 'that's already how it is, you're the only one I give a fuck about' ang gotta put that thumb in your mouth for the parallel] Jimmy: [a likewise unholy sound from him because of what she said and more noise because of what she did, trying to say fuck or something but its just a legit moan how he always does] Janis: ['you're so fucking hot' actually completing that sentence for once well done but the butterfly is gonna be ruined by how hard she goes in for this kiss 'I've never wanted anyone this bad, okay'] Jimmy: [shamelessly going hard up against the wall of this pub which anyone could walk out of at any time, love that for them] Janis: [safe to say after your performances lads, you do not give a fuck to begin with, never mind now Jimmy: [all he cares about is showing her that he's never wanted anyone this bad either, not soz passersby] Janis: [you've seen worse, you'll live everyone, they might die however] Jimmy: [they are gonna die cos you know he's gotta say her name and we know what that does] Janis: [rip, how do they go so hard but stay so soft too] Jimmy: [#goals 5ever] Jimmy: [like picture the scene, they are already going off dry humping against this wall cos god forbid you stop for a few mins so you can walk back but like of course he's gonna make it more extra by just slipping a hand so subtly under that waistband- stay inside for a bit please pub peeps- cos again god forbid you have some chill boy when you can stop kissing her at that exact moment to hear everything as you do. RIP to you both and ILY]] Janis: [arching her back and pushing into his hand 'cos 'fuck, Jimmy!' when you gotta turn your head to the side and bite your lip even harder 'cos trying to be quiet as standard] Jimmy: [How beautiful she'd look though bye, gotta bite her lip too and anywhere else you want so you don't get too extra with your words as well as your actions] Janis: [just putting your arms around his neck so you don't die] Jimmy: [we know he's dying too girl it's okay] Janis: [making eye contact to be like 'I missed you' don't know where either of you has been but okay] Jimmy: [we can assume he's had at least some time as a barista so it's fine lol 'I-me too'] Janis: [she probs means when she mentally goes away so I get it babe it's okay but probably kiss him so you shh] Jimmy: [all the kisses always tbh] Janis: [doing a lil lol at his face when you pull away 'cos they'd both be covered in paint now] Jimmy: [shameless excuse to touch her face and hair with his free hand though which is his soft boy fave so] Janis: [just having a time how are you ever gonna find the will to move lmao] Jimmy: [they so won't we might have to say some peeps come out of the pub, but imma let you finish or bit rude] Janis: [that would put an end to anything, drunk dickheads] Jimmy: [at least you don't have far to go home fr] Janis: [good luck getting straight in your room tho] Jimmy: [do finally have that shower tho, state of yous] Janis: [let's hope ian is dealing with the kids] Jimmy: [he'd have to unless that woman left then it's a free for all/Cass is sorting it] Janis: [want both him and them distracted ideally so make it happen world] Jimmy: [agreed]

[eldritchsurveys]

347.

1. Can you remember what you were doing at 8:15 this morning? >> Yeah, I was taking a walk.

2. In your phone’s contacts, who is the first person listed under the letter ‘R’? When did you last see that person? >> ---

3. If someone is sticking their nose into your business where it isn’t wanted, how would you deal with that? Would you say something to them? >> I just refuse to indulge their curiosity. I mean, I’m assuming this is my business we’re talking about. If they’re nosing into someone else’s business, well, it’s that person’s business to stop them, not mine. Otherwise then I am also nosing into their business by butting in, lmao.

4. What did you have for lunch today? Or, if you haven’t had lunch yet, what do you think you will have? >> I didn’t have lunch. I don’t really eat concrete “meals” per se, I just eat when I’m hungry / when I have the chance.

5. Is there someone you desperately want to see/speak to atm, but you can’t? >> No.

6. Do you and your significant other have a special song? What is it? >> No.

7. If you HAD to sing something on karaoke, what song would you choose? >> You don’t have to force me to sing karaoke, lmao, I’ll do it willingly. What I choose depends on what’s available and what kind of energy I feel like bringing to the [metaphorical... or literal] stage.

8. Can you remember the last time you felt ill? What was wrong with you? >> No.

9. What time is it now? Are you tired? >> 4.40p EST. No.

10. If you wear make-up, do you take it with you, to reapply throughout the day? Does your make-up stay for a long time after you first apply it, or do you find that you need to reapply often? Are you wearing any make-up atm? >> ---

11. What if you found the last person you kissed, in bed with the last person you texted? >> The last person I kissed was an inworlder, so by default there’s no way this is possible. But if it was, the last person I texted was Sparrow, and I think it’d be pretty cool if she and Can Calah had a night together, lmao. As long as she shares Ulfric with me. ~*

12. The last person you held hands with - have you ever kissed them? >> ---

13. Can you remember what your parents bought you for Christmas last year? >> ---

14. Think about the person you fell hardest for. Why do you think your feelings for this person were so strong? How is he/she different compared to everyone else you’ve had feelings for? >> ---

30. Have you ever caught your friend cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend? If you have, what did you do about it? If you haven’t, what do you think you would do? >> I haven’t been in this situation, no. I don’t know what I’d do about it, because I can’t even imagine being in the situation.

31. When your last relationship ended, how long was it before you felt ready to think about being with someone else? >> I mean, he wasn’t my only relationship at the time, so I just... resumed life as it was before he wrecking-balled his way through it.

32. Has any of your friends ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend that you found attractive, and you would secretly have liked to have for yourself? >> Yeah, and you know what happened? We ended up having a thing on the side. And then I eventually told my friend and she went the fuck off on me (actually when I told her she didn’t go off. she went off the next day when I least expected it. I haaaaaate it when people do blindsiding shit like that, lmao, just go off the first time) and we stopped being friends. After like 8 years. So, definitely not my finest or most intelligent moment.

33. How many guys do you know named Matthew? >> Right now, none.

34. Think about the last person that made you cry. Would that person be there for you if you needed help? >> I’m pretty sure that people who hurt me badly enough to make me cry about it are definitely not the kind of people who would be there for me if I needed help. I wouldn’t even want them there, at that point.

35. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to sleep last night? Do you remember what you talked about? >> ---

36. Has someone of the opposite sex made you cry at any point during the last 24 hours? >> No.

37. Is there anything you would like to say to your most recent ex? >> Absolutely not. I’m perfectly happy with him having the last word forever if it means I never have to deal with what I dealt with again.

38. If your friends are sexually active but you aren’t, does that bother you? Have you ever felt pressured to have sex before you were ready, because your friends had done it? >> This is, like, so inapplicable.

39. In your opinion, what is the difference between having a crush and being in love? Have your own experiences helped you to realise that there is a difference? >> I don’t know what the difference is, this isn’t something I have a whole lot of knowledge about in the first place. 

40. Did the last person you hugged have any of these letters in their name: T, R, K, P, J? >> ---

41. What’s the most unhealthy thing you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours? >> Uh... I’m not sure. A bag of Sun Chips? Not terribly unhealthy, but nothing else I ate was either, so.

42. What was the last compliment you received from someone of the opposite sex? >> ---

43. Who did you last say ‘I love you’ to? What colour are that person’s eyes? >> ---

44. If you took away the first and third letters of your name, what would you then be called? >> Odred.

45. Name 7 things that make you happy, and explain how it might affect you if you had to give them up. >> Getting to pet dogs I see when I’m out in public, reading really interesting books, having an engaging conversation, listening to music, curling up in bed with my plushies and Netflix when it’s cold out, remembering when I saw The Phantom of the Opera on stage earlier this year, being in line at the store or something and someone’s kid interacts with me. Obviously, I’d have less happy moments if those things didn’t happen anymore, how else do you think it’d affect me...?

46. Think about your Facebook profile photo. What kind of assumptions do you think a stranger might make about you, from seeing that photograph? Would any of these assumptions be correct? >> ---

47. You buy a bar of chocolate, but you decide that you don’t want to eat it now, and put it in the fridge. When you go back later, half of it’s gone - someone else has started eating it! Who are you most likely to blame? >> I mean, the only other person I live with is Sparrow, so I’d assume she ate half of it. Which is fine, because it takes me like 2 years to finish one bar of chocolate and I’m fine with sharing with someone who likes it more than I do.

48. Choose 5 friends, and talk briefly about each person’s longest/most serious relationship. Who was the relationship with, and how long did it last? >> ---

49. Do you think it’s wrong for someone to commit themselves to a long-term relationship at a young age? Explain. >> First of all, why would I even bother having an opinion about this...

50. Is there something happening in the near future, that you’re looking forward to? >> Not really. All the exciting stuff will be happening in October and December.

[jksmoongf]

Lovesick Fool (part 1)

Pairing: Jungkook x reader

Warning: angst, stalking, smut

Wordcount: 917

A/N: I wasn’t planning on starting a new series but oh well, I blame @agustdearsanta for unintentionally planting that idea in my head. Still love you very much S. 💖 Also a very special thanks goes to my baby angel @jaxonah for planning out the series with me, even if she hates me when it ends lmao LOVE YOU TO INFINITY AND BEYOND! 💖💖💖

------------------------

2017 10 02 – Monday

Fall was just around the corner, the days were still warm in Seoul but it finally got colder at night.  It had been a typical Monday for Jungkook and the boys; they had spent the day practicing choreography and then they had a fitting for their new stage outfits. Nothing was out of the ordinary, just an ordinary day in his life. The only thing he was excited for was going out to a part of Seoul that evening where he hadn’t been in a long time. He wanted to test out the new lens for his camera and that part of the city was particularly beautiful in the fall when the leaves changed color and streetlights gave everything a mysterious glow in the dark. He got out of the taxi after swiping his t-money card. The air was chilly, so he put on his bomber jacket over his black hoodie and shouldered his camera bag. Sometimes he seemed to forget how much he loved it when the streets weren’t filled with people and his mind instantly stopped going at a hundred miles an hour. Here it was quiet, occasionally people passed him as he walked down the street taking pictures of everything that caught his eye, before the night was able to swallow the last remaining bits of daylight. He was kneeling in front of a small convenient store, taking pictures of cat who was playing with a scrunched up paper ball. “You’re too cute.” He quietly giggled and the cat looked at him, as he reached out to gently pet her head, she backed away and ran down the dark street. “You’re just as shy as I am.” He whispered, almost inaudible before getting up. Carefully he dusted off his black skinny jeans and then made his way into to the store. He had completely forgotten to bring something to drink and his throat was getting dry. Just browsing the aisles, he slowly walked through the store waiting for something to catch his attention. Some days he didn’t know what he was craving and today was one of those days. He stood in front of the refrigerated drinks, looking for his favorite soymilk but they seemed to have run out. His eyes darted to the banana milk he loved and he then realized that he hadn’t had one in a few days. Grabbing two from the shelf, he decided that he wasn’t particularly hungry so that would suffice until he got home. When he reached the register, the cashier was talking to a girl who was buying one of the pre-packaged ramen boxes that could be heated up in the store. “Do you want me to heat them up for you?” The cashier asked and she shook her head. “No thank you, I’ll do it at home.” Jungkook found himself eyeing her every move, the way her fingers delicately reached into her bag to pull out her wallet. Her hair was in light waves and cascaded down her back. When she turned around to leave he saw her smile and it was like a wildfire started burning in his chest. Excitement rushed through his body, as he hastily paid for his drinks. She was already gone but something inside him couldn’t just let her leave. He wanted to look at her, to see that smile again. He rushed out of the store and stood in the middle of the street. She couldn’t just disappear but it was dark and it was hard to see anything. His heart started to race, as she walked under a streetlight to his left. He didn’t know why but he started walking in the same direction, not too quickly so he wouldn’t catch up with her. They were walking with some distance between them for less than 10 minutes before she made a turn  and walked up a small set of stairs to a small family home. He quickly darted into the shadows of the stonewall fencing in the house next door. His back was pressed up against the stone, he held his breath and heard her call out for her mother before the door closed. He just stood there waiting; making sure she wouldn’t come back out. To him it felt like an eternity before he was sure that it was safe to leave his hiding spot. There were no lights on in the house across the street and no one was out. Quietly he walked closer to the house, trying to look inside. What was he doing? This was not something he would usually do but he couldn’t stop himself; he was so curious and the fascination that had taken over his mind had gotten the better of him. In the living room he could see a middle aged couple, probably her parents, sitting on a sofa watching some variety show on tv. The lights in a room on the left flickered on. His heart was hammering hard against his chest as he slowly tiptoed to the window. There she was. She had changed into more comfortable clothes and her hair was up. With wide eyes he watched her as she heated up her food in a pot. He knew this was wrong but he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Why was he drawn to her? Why couldn’t he just walk away? He had no answers; the only thing he was sure of was that he was experiencing something he had never felt before.

[hero-of-burning-courage-blog]

Some personal shit to be ranted about below. This is just me venting into the void.

So for those of you who don’t know, I was physically abused and psychologically tortured by my older half brother within my memory span from ages 3 to 16 (which was when he was kicked out of the house). This happened behind closed doors when we were supposed to be playing when dad (our shared parent) was off to work, and my mom was busy doing things around the house. He would vent his anger and frustrations out on me. He’d hit me in places that would be covered by my clothes until it bruised and I was crying, but I wouldn’t be allowed to make a noise. I quickly learned to adapt to pain and pretend everything was okay, otherwise, he’d kill everyone I loved before he would kill me. Now, he was only 2 years older than me, but as a child, I couldn’t rationalise that he couldn’t do that to my parents just yet. How could I? I was 3 when it started. 

I hated summer time because it meant he’d be living with us instead of his mother.

When he turned 8, my parents gained full custody over him, and I cried myself to sleep every night, silently... but I had already been trained to not show it outside of my locked room at night, and I was only 6. A 6-year-old shouldn’t have to worry about their parents knowing they are in pain or scared for their own life. A 6-year-old should be playing, and be okay with telling their parents anything... but how could I? He’d kill everyone I loved before he’d finally kill me.

By no means were my parents perfect. They had their flaws. They could be emotionally and mentally abusive at times. It definitely got worse as I developed my own sense of self. Now I’m an adult, and I’m no longer their little girl... I’m a grown man, and they seem to hate that, but won’t say it anymore.

To them, family must always be forgiven, no matter how egregious the actions of a member... even if said actions were directed at another family member. You must do all you can to paint the picture of a happy family, despite how broken you are on the inside... despite how broken another family member made you.

I kept my mouth shut until November of 2015. I had just turned 21 the month prior to finally telling my parents why I hated my older half brother so much. It took me 5 years to summon the courage to say something about all the horrible things that had happened. To be brave enough to go against what I had been tortured into believing for so long... to know that he couldn’t kill everyone I loved before he’d finally kill me. 

As I write this, I’m biting back tears. I shake with fear that somehow he’d know it was me writing this, that he’d make good on his promise, but I need this to be known... because after this horrible secret being spilled to my parents (and he most certainly knows because they confronted him)... not even 2 years after the truth being known, my dad invites him over to my younger brother’s graduation party, and he sneaks up behind me to say hello. I knew he was coming and was already orchestrating how to leave with Kara and Tyler before he showed up, but he was early. I fled to my room and locked the door. I was having an anxiety attack. 

My other younger brother (have 3 of them), was the first to notice I wasn’t upstairs for the party. He was sent to ask me if the peach cobbler I was making was finished, or if the collard greens were done. I had finished both just as my abuser had surprised me. I regrettably snapped at Kevin (the one who noticed I wasn’t around) when he couldn’t hear me and knocked hard on my door and tried to open it and found it to be locked. I apologised later for that... 

My mother was next. She called my phone to ask me where I was and if all the food was done. I told her I was in my room, trying not to panic (despite already panicking), and that my friend Tyler was on his was to pick me up and take me somewhere safe. She didn’t protest this, accepted it, but informed my dad... who was not okay with this.

My father came down and didn't’ say anything before trying to force my door open, causing me to panic more. How could I not know that it was my abuser? I cleared my throat to make myself sound okay and tentatively responded, asking who was there. Dad said it was him and demanded I open my door. I did as I was asked and he forced his way into my room... only to yell at and reprimand me for wanting to leave and for panicking. He berated me and tried to humiliate me for being scared. He tried to invalidate my gender identity, because years of torture left me frightened and crying... and real men wouldn’t let something like that get to them. Mind you, my father has been to war and also has PTSD. He can’t get in his vehicle without checking under it to make sure no bombs were planted there. Guess he’s not a real man either, based on his shitty definition of a real man -queue eye roll here-

After seeing that he “couldn’t get through to me” by yelling and humiliating me and making me panic more, after an awkward silence for a good 5 to 10 minutes, he quietly asked me what I would like him to do, I responded barely above a whisper, “I’d like for you to get out of my room please.” And this pissed him off further. He called me a selfish asshole and “That’s what you’re going to say to me?!” Then got up and slammed my bedroom door on his way out. I cried and waited for all to go quiet before I fled. My shoes had been hidden, but I found my flip flops, ignoring my strict rule of no socks and sandals, put those on, and proceeded to leave. My mom saw me head out and caught me just as I got to the sidewalk in front of our yard. She asked me where I was going, I told her I was going to the park and Tyler would be picking me up soon. She asked if I’d be home that night, and I said I wasn’t sure, but dad was pissed off and probably didn’t want me home anyways, and I definitely wouldn’t return until my abuser was gone. She let me go without further protest.

My calves burned as I rushed to the park, only to then decide to go further, walking all the way to the high school in my neighbourhood. The walk helped my nerves, but only enough to calm me from my anxiety attack. I was still a paranoid wreck, trying hard to not dissociate. Tyler texted that he was 5 minutes away. That was the longest 5 minutes of my life. I jumped at every sound that wasn’t a bird, kept scanning around and stayed hidden until Tyler’s car showed up. I was safe. 

The car ride was mostly silence, with the dull hum of the radio. Tyler kept changing the station, but I mostly couldn’t pay attention to what was on. I could barely focus on his words whenever he spoke. I was safe, but I was still scared. There were several times where I wanted to grab his hand as an anchor, but he was driving, and I dunno if that’d be awkward or give the wrong idea, so I kept my hands to myself. 

We made it to a mutual friend’s house, spent the evening with a handful of friends who were aware of the situation, they helped me calm down and get my mind off things. I tried hard to focus on what we were doing, my mind drifting every so often, but someone always managed to pull my attention back to reality and away from all the what ifs and paranoid thoughts of the future when I’d have to return home. 

I then received a text towards the later hours of the evening that my abuser might be staying the night in my home. Cass, Adam, and Derek offered to let me stay at their house for the evening, and I definitely stayed. My abuser didn’t leave my house until almost 1 in the morning. Mom asked me if I was coming home, and I told her that everyone already left or went to bed, so I’d be back in the morning.

I did return the next morning, having barely slept and was plagued with night terrors, only to receive a cold shoulder from my dad... which I suppose was better than him deciding to yell at me more. I have been bouncing between apathetic and on the verge of tears since that happened... which was just this past Memorial Day weekend. Dad has barely spoken more than a couple sentences to me since it happened. 

I’ve been depressed since then... nerves on edge because now my abuser knows exactly where to find me. I’m hoping to be gone to finish school by next spring, but that feels ages away and it makes me sick thinking about having to wait that long. I feel like I won’t be able to truly get better until I have my own place away from here, a place that my abuser has no knowledge of. Rent is too expensive in Colorado to find my own place now, especially since I’m trying to save my money to move up to Minnesota to finish school. 

I have had the impulsive thought to shave my head, change my glasses, put a rush on my top surgery, pick a different name despite how much I love my name now, and move to a different state now... but I don’t have enough to do that. I like my hair and glass and name... I don’t even know where I’d go right now... so I’m stuck. I work 45~ hours a week as a baker, and I’m stuck right now. I’d pick up on commissions for extra cash, but I don’t even have enough of a following for anyone to care enough to pay me. I’m shit at advertising myself on social media. I’m barely capable of running an RP blog. I’m hardly active on Facebook. I go generally unnoticed. Sometimes I prefer to be that anonymous despite my wildly coloured hair and spunky personality (when I’m not feeling like utter shit)... I dunno... I’m working hard now, and I’ll get there. I gotta work on my portfolio to get into the school I’m planning on anyways. I may open up commissions when I’m feeling less frazzled and ready to bolt at the mildest sign of danger.

I’d like to thank my friends Kara, Tyler, Cass, Adam, Derek, and Nate (who was the only unmentioned friend in this, lmao, despite his humour helping me along too) for being there. I’d probably be in a lot worse of a state of mind if y’all didn’t kidnap me. I’d also like to thank my online friends Yuki, Psyco, and Inu for keeping me calm through that anxiety attack while I waited for Tyler to come get me. 

I will be okay, I just need time to recover. It’s been one thing after another lately, but I feel like things will get better soon, at least for now.

He can’t kill everyone I love and then me, because he doesn’t live in this town, and my family now knows, and so do you, dear readers. I have survived this long, and will continue to do so for many years, because his threats were probably empty. I am stronger than my mental illness. I am stronger than the torture he put me through. I may hate him for all the horrible things he did to me and my family, he may terrify me still, but I am stronger than him.

I am stronger than him.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #130

“when it’s gone, it’s gone; i’ll fight ‘til the bitter end ‘cuz life won’t wait for you.”

How late did you stay up last night and why? Before 10, which is incredibly rare for me.  I was in an awful mood and wanted out of it. Has anyone ever hung up on you? Not intentionally. Are you dating the last person you kissed? On the lips, no, cheeks, forehead, etc. etc., yes. Has anyone ever asked you if you were bi-polar? Yes, because I am. Did the last person you kiss have tattoos? No. Is the person you texted last single? She's my girlfriend. Would you rather drink tea or coffee? I hate both. I can't pick. Have you kissed more than ten people this year? No. Do you prefer hot or cold weather? COLD. What is something you are NOT looking forward to? Hm... nothing much. Well, I guess the heat of the season. Have you spoken to your mother today? Yes. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check the time. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes. Is your cell phone fully charged? No. Small or big dogs? I don't really have a preference. Do you smile often? No. Does the last person you hugged have any importance in your life? He's my dad!! Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Always. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? Hot. What are you going to do after this? Probably another survey. What is your favorite song at the moment? The one that towers above all others is "False Flags" by Massive Attack. When it's not summer, what do you miss most about it? Like. Nothing. Who taught you how to swim? Myself. When playing truth or dare, which do you choose? Truth. Are you satisfied with how things are going? Eh, mostly. When’s the last time you had gummy worms? I couldn't tell you, but Sara and I had gummy sloths in March but they looked like nothing more than blobs. Can you do push-ups? HUNNY. Can you read other people's expressions? Yep. Do you like the idea of promise rings in relationships? If you're VERY serious about it, yeah. It can give the couple a sense of security. Do you believe that there's beauty in everything? No. Is there beauty in, like, murder? What side of a heart do you draw first? Uhhhh... I think the right? On average, how many times a day do you think you swear? O-OH BOY. What is the closest thing to you that's blue? My blanket. Can you balance a spoon on your nose? I haven't tried? What do you think about abortion? It's sad, but I don't see it as "wrong" if your mental health or life is at stake. Do you shower daily? Every other day. What is your favorite number? 13. Which smiley face do you use the most? Probably :> Do you have a pet? Four. Where is your mother? She's getting her nails done with my sister. Is your great-grandmother still living? No. Do you like doritos? Ye. Do you know a vegetarian? Me. Are your parents still married? No. Are you afraid of the dark? Nope. Where is your cell phone? Beside me. How old is your computer? FUCKING OLD. Who was the last person you spoke to in person? My mom. Is your hair up or down? My hair's too short to go up. What is your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne, Metallica, Marilyn Manson, Otep, A Day to Remember, Korn, Rammstein, and Cradle of Filth. What color is your phone? Navy. Who is the closest friend that you live by? I don't know. I have like one friend here and idk where he lives exactly. What is your favorite food? Jalapeno pizza. Are you a loud person? I can be, but ordinarily no. Do you like skittles? Yep. What is your orientation? Bisexual. Did you ever eat glue when you were little? No. Have you ever banged your head against something? Try the floor and getting a concussion. What do you do when you're angry? Cry lmao. Have you ever jumped on a trampoline? Yeah, we had one for years. Do still watch cartoons? I don't really watch anything. Are you interested in more than one person at the moment? No. How old were you when you learned to ride a bike? Don't remember. Have you ever felt completely lost? You have no idea. Who do you talk to first when you're upset? Sara. Are you dating the same person you were 3 months ago? Yes. Do you ever wonder what your life looks in someone else’s eyes? Yeah. Have you ever felt like you were dreaming even though you were awake? Yup. How many concerts have you been to? One.  But I'm hopefully seeing P!atD in July!! Do you blowdry your hair? No. Do you have any action figures? No. Are you a dare devil? Eh, depends... How do you like your eggs? Cheesy and scrambled. Or in the form of an omelette. What do you order at Subway? Well. Now that I'm vegetarian, good question lmao. Did you climb trees when you were younger? No, we only had tall pine trees. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Yes. Is it alright to curse in front of your parents? Dad could care less, Mom doesn't like it excessively or when I say "fuck." How many people do you 100% trust? Two. Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else? No. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? Nope, that's my dad! Do you smoke? No, never will. Has someone ever made you a promise and broke it? Yup. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Do you wear eyeliner? If I wear any makeup, it's that. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? No. When's the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? *shrugs* Would you ever smile at a stranger? If I had reason to. Is there someone mad because you're dating/talking to the person you are? No.  Well, I have homophobic family members who disagree with us dating, but I don't think any are mad. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? No. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? I never wear jeans anymore. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter 'A'? No. What about 'R'? No. Can you drive a stick shift? No. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Yes. Are you going out of town soon? Well I have therapy Thursday and it's an hour away, if that counts?? If you could change your eye color, would you? I'd make them a more sapphire blue. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? Sara. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn't have? Yes. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? Sara. Do you get a lot of colds? No, my immune system's made of steel. Do you like watching scary movies? Yep. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? 2016 CAN GET THE FUCK OUT. Did you have a dream last night? I think you do every time you sleep, but I don't remember it. Can you commit to one person? I'm strictly monogamous. Do you have someone of the opposite gender you can tell everything to? I mean I can, but that doesn't mean I do. Did you wake up cranky? No. Last person you cried in front of? Mom. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? She's very protective of me, and that's reciprocated. Don't tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? She's gorgeous. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes. Ever kissed under fireworks? Thanks for adding that to my bucket list.