#my religious trauma is showing oops

[mishwanders]

Devil’s Resting Place

Pairing: Vampire Leon Kennedy x Fem Reader

Genre: Adult/Smut

Warnings: Religious stuff, biting, blood, bondage, PIV. Minors DNI.

Leon was laid up in the church attic, trying to sleep in the old coffin he’d found up there. It was difficult this week for him though, the church was having their 24/7 prayer meeting that occurred annually. He absolutely hated it, but he had to stay, it was the safest place for him during the day - it was somewhere no one else would suspect a vampire to stay. It was the perfect spot for the devil’s resting place.

Plus the place was relatively quiet during the work days. The preacher had a day job, so he wasn’t here, like most people. The only person who he’d ever seen come in the middle of the day was you.

He’d heard you come in all week, listened to your weary prayers. You were a faithful patron, even in the midst of the shit you were going through. You never lost faith and he found that admirable of you.

It wasn’t the only thing he liked about you. He’d watch you through the slats in the hardwood, seeing your hair flow behind you, the way your hips moved - there was also a delectable scent that would waft off of you, making it’s way all the way up to the attic from the air flow.

Leon desperately wanted you. He wanted to know what you felt like under him, how you blood tasted. He was just waiting for the best moment to make his move on his prey.

And today was that day.

You came in, visibly looking defeated by the pressures weighing you down. You knelt at the alter this time, rather than sitting in the pew you always preferred to be in. Leon listened closely, hearing the absolute desperation in your voice. He smiled to himself, a gleam in his eyes.

Perfect.

He opened the attic stairs and made his way down, through the doors to the sanctuary and walking towards you. But you were to consumed in your desperate prayers, too consumed by them to realize that he had entered the room with you. He walked up behind you and placed his hand on your shoulder. You couldn’t help but jump in shock as you turned to look at him. Your eyes were wide with fear for a moment, but you were easily calmed by the hypnotic gaze he was placing on you. Your eyes glazed over as he called on you.

You stared straight into his blue eyes, captivated by him. You could see the light from the stain glass window shining behind him, making him look an angelic saint.

“Who are you?” You asked

“Just think of me as a saint sent from heaven, here to answer your fervent prayers.”

You stood up to face him, bring your hands to his face. He felt real - more than you expected of an angel or a saint.

“And what kind of saint are you?” You asked

He wrapped his arm around you waist, pulling you closer to him. You could feel his warm breath on your neck, making bumps erupt on the surface of your skin. He turned you, sitting in the place where you were fervently praying before pulling you down onto his leg.

“The best kind. I’m one of those who stay here on this earth to help with your woes and sorrows. I come to relieve you of them.”

His voice came out calm and sultry and was just as hypnotizing as those blue eyes of his. You wanted to be closer to him, you couldn’t help it. He was just so - infatuating.

“That sounds nice.” You sighed.

Relief sounded too good to be true.

“Then pray to me for it.” He whispered, “I’ll surely answer it.”

You couldn’t help yourself, your fell into his arms as he took hold of your face, his lips locked onto yours. He snaked his hand up to your soft hair, entangling his fingers in it and pulling your head back to allow himself entrance past your warm lips. You tasted so sweet to him, your scent intoxicating and filling his lungs. He wondered just how much sweeter your blood tasted.

He wondered if it was as pure as you were. The evil thought crossed in his mind at how much he wanted to taste and taint it, making you fully his.

Leon began to rip at the clothes that were hiding your body from him. He wanted to see every part of you, decorated in the colors dancing around you from the stain glass windows. He began to trail kisses down your neck. You let out a moan as he brought his hand to your chest, massaging the soft skin as you began to ride his thigh. Leon could feel your pulse quickening against his lips under your warm skin, but it was not quite to his liking yet. The blood was still bitter at this stage - cold as a wind sea breeze. He needed it to be sweeter.

You let your arms hang around his neck as his arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you in closer. He brought your nipple to his mouth, licking and teasing it with his teeth. Another moan escaped you as he continued to play with you, his dinner.

“I want more.” You muttered

Leon chuckled at the desperation in your voice.

“Then beg me for it.”

Leon pulled your leg over his lap now, holding on tightly to your hips as you began to grind down harder on him. You rested your head in the crook of his neck, panting impatiently.

“Please - I need more.”

You could feel him growing underneath his jeans as you continued to ride him, feeling the rumble of the chuckle in his chest as you begged for him to give you more. You desperately wanted him to provide you of some relief from your torment. You continued to pant, whimpering and begging for more, your nails digging into his skin as the rosary in your hand continued to hit his back.

He laughed at you.

“Look at you, begging like the god damn whore you are. I’ve heard Jesus likes them too, but too bad, you’re all for me.”

Leon hands began to wander all over your body, trailing from the curves of your hips to the soft skin of your chest and your neck. You were just so beautiful and breath taking to him. It was almost as if you were putting him under a spell as well. He wanted more of you - to feel more of you and be a part of you now.

He picked you up, placing your back down on the alter and ripped your jeans off. He smirked as you clutched your rosary in your hands closer to your chest. He trailed his hands slowly up the front of your body, finger tips gently gliding across your skin until he reached the rosary in your hands. He took it from you and forced your arms back, wrapping the roast around your wrists, tying you down to the pulpit.

He leans down closer to you, his stubble tickling your ear as he whispered to you.

“Keeping praying sweet heart, you’re relief will come quickly.”

Leon removed himself from the confines of his pants. He picked up your legs that were hanging over the edge and crossed one over the other. He then pulled your legs close, allowing them to rest on the left side of his chest as he held them there with his strong arm. You continued to let the prayers over flow from you, but you were shaken out of the prayerful trance when a cry escaped your lips at the sensation of him inserting himself inside of you, pushing past your tight walls.

Leon barely gave you a moment to adjust to him before he began to thrust into you at a harsh pace, his right hand gripping so tightly on your thigh, it left bruises. Your prayers became slurred now, moans now mixing with holy words and curses, at the rhythm of the sound of his skin making contact with yours.

Your mind was swimming with guilt and conviction, how could you do such a thing in the house of the lord?

“I may have to cleanse your mouth of those pretty sins.” Leon laughed

That made you blush. You tried turn you face away from him, attempting to cover them with your arms to keep him from seeing what his words did to you. But he noticed and gave you a warm smile. He released your legs from his arms, uncrossing them and laying them on his chest. He leaned forward, stretching your legs closer to your body. He pushed your arms out of the way, holding them down to the alter with one hand and the other holding your face to his, a hand resting on your chin.

“You can’t hide from me.” He whispered.

You stared into his blue eyes, and they were holding your gaze, doing their job just fine. Leon began slow down his pace, opting for longer strokes as he slammed back into you. The way he had you folded down, it made it so much easier for him to touch your cervix. You cried out as he continued this pace, cursing him now for the painful pleasure he was making you feel.

He trailed his kisses down your cheek, all the way to your neck. He could feel your pulse now hammering through your veins, the blood quickly flowing through now. He smiled. You were perfect for him now. Leon let his sharp teeth graze across the skin, ready to finally take a bite. But he stopped when he heard you whisper in his ear.

“If you must drink of me, take of me what you please.”

Leon was taken off guard by that. Did you know about his sin? Was it that easy to see? It didn’t matter, you were perfect now, and he wanted to have a taste of you.

His pace grew faster as he sunk his teeth into your throat. You let out a cry of pain, but it was quickly stifled by the euphoric venom that began to fill your veins. Leons continued drinking in more of you - your blood, your moans - every bit of it sweeter than anything he’d ever had before, even when he had been human.

He felt your body begin to quiver underneath him, your walls tightening around him as you began to cum for him. You felt amazing wrapped around him and completely under his control now. He felt his own high coming as he started to become drunk off of you.

He bit down even harder, his hips stuttering as he finally came. He continued to rock his hips slowly into you until he was finally done drinking from you. Once he was done, he removed himself and his teeth from you, licking up the remaking blood that had trickled down you neck. He didn’t want to waste such a delicious treat.

He looked over at you, seeing you blissed out and dizzy from what he had put you through. He released you from the binds of your rosary and helped you sit up.

“You’ve been so good.” He told you, caressing your face.

You gave him a smile. There was something about you that seemed different now than when he first saw you come into the building. He couldn’t help but get on his knees for you, looking up at your face lovingly.You pulled him in close, holding his head against your chest. Your hands entangled in his pillow soft hair, pulling on it to force him to look into your eyes.

There was definitely something different about you now. You eyes glowed as he stared into them, now hypnotized by you.

“You just sold you life away to be with me.” You spoke softly

“Here in the devil’s resting place.”

[wanderinggoddess]

gay father, lesbian daughter

[satorusluver]

I am so fucking sick of the word virtue being tied to the bullshit social concepts of purity and virginity. Not being sexually active does not make you a good person, waiting until marriage does not make you a good person. Sure, you can choose that for personal reasons and that's perfectly valid, but it doesn't make you more virtuous or righteous than someone who doesn't choose that. Virginity is not a moral high ground.

[pascalpvnk]

Pour Choices // You & I

pairing: bartender!joel x f!afab!reader

summary: Austin, Texas was never a dream destination for you, however your work trip there might’ve changed your perspective of the Lone Star State, and it absolutely was not work related.

word count: 6.6k words (oops…)

warnings: 18+ MDNI, fluff, smut (dubcon [both drank alcohol], handjob if you squint, oral [f receiving], fingering, unprotected p in v sex [wrap it up!], Joel has had a vasectomy, premature ejaculation, double creampie, alluding to aftercare), possibly ooc, no outbreak AU, Joel is 36 with no specified age for reader, reader described as a woman, use of she/her pronouns, minor body descriptions (reader described as having curves, reader has hair long enough to grasp/pin up, reader is shorter than Joel, he picks up reader for like half a second), time jumping (indicated by solid orange divider), religious euphemisms (?) from Joel (i know that man has religious trauma), alcohol consumption, food consumption

a/n: hello! I know this is a long time coming but she’s finally here. thank you for being patient with me during this writing process and thank you to those who helped and encouraged me! a special thanks to @delicaatefl0vver for beta reading and supporting and adding to my thots. welcome to the rebirth of my fanfic writing. I hope you enjoy xx (dividers by @/saradika)

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Sat in the corner of the rustling bar, you were sipping on your Manhattan. The drink tasted medicinal, not how you’d usually prefer it. You had watched the young bartender pour heavy on the vermouth, but chose not to say anything. Red lipstick stained the rim of your glass with each sip of the cocktail. The whiskey mixed in and the maraschino cherry garnish were its only saving graces.

A low hanging light illuminated a warm hue across your features. You were surrounded by classic Texan bar decor and architecture; high ceiling rafters, support beams strung with fairy lights, the walls packed with framed posters of all varieties, the occasional beer branded neon sign, and license plates tacked up behind the bar. Two televisions sat flush against opposing walls, both playing a pregame show of Rangers highlights as they counted down to first pitch. The air was thick as the feet of the patrons shuffled around and chair legs scraped against the wood finished floors. Groups of friends, couples, and everyone between flooded through the doors, ushering themselves to an empty table or stool at the bar. Being there on a Friday night right as the outside rush hour died down was a bold choice, but you had one goal in mind.

The moment the music changed from country to rock and roll, you knew it was time to set yourself out to accomplish it.

The click of your high heels contrasted from the stomp of sneakers and cowboy boots. Glass in hand and head held high, your heart was pounding so hard in your chest, you felt it in your throat. You sure as hell weren’t living up to your stoic, stone cold hearted reputation back home. It’s almost as though your heart thawed in the Texas heat. Though your heart changed with the state, your attire didn’t. You stuck out like a sore thumb among the other consumers in your black maxi dress and perfectly pinned up hair. Some eyes gazed towards you, but you were set on finding one pair in particular. The set of eyes that were darker than the coffee he brewed, but the same ones that looked like honey when the sun was setting. The eyes that were facing away from you at the bar as you found a stool. The ones that snapped up towards you with one word.

“Texas.”

You called for him like a melody. Your throat immediately felt dry as a lump formed. He either felt the same way you did or it was a one off fling. You were hoping it was the former. But…it had been two years since you met, so there was a decent chance he was the one that got away.

The way his muscles tensed under his tight Henley gave away that he recognized you simply from your voice. Those beautiful eyes met yours, and his jaw went a little slack, the corners of his mouth curved.

“Evenin’, Miss New York,” Joel drawled, leaning against the counter. “How are ya, darlin’?”

Joel’s mind was preoccupied before he had seen you the first time, filled with important nonsense that about drove him up the wall.

Gotta make the next schedule. What time is that birthday party Sarah wants t’go to? Wonder if Tommy would be willin’ to take her. No, he’s workin’ on a job site out of town. I need to find someone to cover part of my shift so I can take her. Gotta pay the rent for this month. Can’t keep running the bar if s’gonna be slow like this and that bastard won’t cough up his half of it. God dammit.

“Welcome in, what can I get for ya?” The southern man drawled absentmindedly, tossing a rag over his broad shoulder. The moment his eyes caught yours, his worries washed away. He was only interested in you and your big, beautiful eyes and bright, red lips.

“Whiskey on the rocks. Make it a double please,” you practically sang to him…or at least it sounded like music to his ears. Your ID slipped out of your billfold with ease, and you slid it across the bar as you took a seat. Joel examined the horizontally wide piece of plastic, deciding it was real, especially for a lady ordering a whiskey. A lady from New York, no less.

Joel took in your features for a moment, noticing the difference in your attire and even your accent compared to the other bar patrons. Your beauty was striking to him, making all of the women he’s seen come in flee his memory. He repeated your name over and over in his head, wanting to know how it felt on his tongue. To say he was intrigued would be the understatement of the year.

“You got it, sweetheart,” he said, his voice deep and smooth. He poured a generous portion of whiskey into a cut crystal glass and added several cubes of ice, then slid it over to you with a smile. He leaned forward to rest his arms on the bar, eyes lingering on your curves. "So, what brings you in here tonight? The Big Apple too small for ya?"

“Work,” you responded simply, taking a sip from your drink. He watched as your eyes raked down his frame. There was no visible emotion behind them, so he was unsure if you were checking him out or simply giving him a once over.

Joel’s eyes on the other hand drank in your features, not even attempting to hide his gaze. It lingered across your chest and the way your dress contoured your breasts so perfectly. He was damn near drooling at the sight of you taking down your whiskey better than he would. Your face remained expressionless, zero signs of your mouth twisting in distaste. The simple action had him hooked.

He cleared his throat and began polishing some glasses as he continued to have small talk with you.

“Care to elaborate?” He asked, lining the cups along the bar as he shined them one by one.

“Flight just landed. I checked into my hotel and dropped off my stuff. Wanted to take a walk around to see what this city has to offer and I landed here,” you shrugged, taking another drink of your whiskey. “Nice place, are you the owner?”

“Co-owner, yeah,” Joel chuckled. “So I take it, your work stuff starts tomorrow? Or are you drinking on the job?”

“The former,” you smiled softly. “I’m not trying to get fired, they barely trusted me to come out here in the first place.”

His head nodded gingerly. He couldn’t quite tell if you were shooting him down or just quiet after a long day. He wanted to know more. Wanted as much information that he could get from you without coming off as a creep. Deciding to take a minor risk, he continued conversing with you.

“What kind of work are ya doing all the way out here, hm?” He asked politely, restocking the freshly polished glasses back on their designated shelves.

“My uh…my peer, I suppose, is on maternity leave and she represents most of our buildings in Texas. I’ve been doing most of the work over the phone but one of the Austin buildings required a visit. A lot of incident reports to go through.”

The whiskey in your glass was almost gone and he could tell it was opening you up a little bit. First time in the whole conversation you said more than what his question asked for.

“Darlin’, that’s some big wig stuff, and yet you make it sound so inconspicuous,” he drawled, a low rumble of laughter rolling from his chest. “What field are you in? Or is it top secret?”

“Oh! I work in HR,” you let out a small laugh. “Probably should’ve started with that.”

He smirked at how you fumbled over yourself, admiring the way your smile folded the skin around your eyes and exposed a dimple. He could definitely tell he was breaking down your stone wall. His eyes took you in once more. Your lip prints stained red on the once clean glass, immediately grabbing his attention. Arousal shot through his body, directing into his pants. That’s not something he knew he was attracted to.

“Need another, ma’am?” He asked politely and swallowed hard, attempting to look anywhere but your chest. You accepted his offer and opened a tab. Joel was thanking his lucky stars that the universe brought such a beautiful woman into his bar that night. Thanking fate for having him cover this shift.

“Well, I’ll leave you alone, miss. Just holler if you need another drink or y’wanna close out. My name’s Joel,” he smiled with his boyish charm, flipping his towel back over his shoulder before reluctantly diverting his attention to another customer in need.

You stuck around for a bit, snacking on peanuts and watching the baseball game running on the television. Joel felt your eyes burn into the back of his head as he worked.

It was innocent to start. He popped tops off of beers, poured shots, and shook cocktails all while his cheeks burned pink under the heat of your gaze. Then he intentionally reached up to the top shelf more often, flexing his muscles and letting his shirt ride up his back to grab your attention again and again. It became increasingly difficult for you to peel your eyes off of him the more you drank.

And he noticed.

A couple hours passed, and before you knew it, the clock was nearing midnight. Joel walked around the bar, going to each empty table and wiping them thoroughly. He restocked everything as most of the small crowd filed out. He took a look at you from the front door, admiring the curves that were hardly hidden under your snug dress as you watched the TV mindlessly.

“Well darlin’,” he began as he approached the bar again. “I don’t know what time you have to work in the morning but it’s getting late. Wanna close out your tab?”

“I s’pose so,” you chuckled, copying his accent a little by accident. Your tired, drunken smile made his heart flutter.

A small smile plastered itself across Joel’s face as he ran your card. He let it process, grabbing both receipts and scribbling something on them.

“Can I call you a cab, sweetheart? They aren’t driving around all the time like they do back home for you,” he offered, handing you the merchant copy receipt. He crossed out all of the options to tip, just requiring your signature. You tried to protest, but he silenced your argument.

“Yeah,” you hiccuped. “That would be nice, thank you.”

Joel examined you cleaning up your peanut shell debris as he called for the cab. You signed the receipt, and slid his copy back across the bar. He noticed your subtle smile as you noticed ten digits written neatly on the customer copy.

The line went dead when the conversation concluded, and Joel put the phone back on its charger. He noticed how you folded the receipt paper and tucked it safely into your clutch along with your debit card.

“Cab should be here in ‘bout ten minutes. Um,” he cleared his throat. “If ya need someone to recommend restaurants or if you want a tour of any sort, I hope that’ll come in handy.”

Joel gestured towards your clutch, the current home of his phone number. He wanted to ask you out, so so badly, but you were intoxicated and he didn’t want to give a bad impression. If it was meant to be, you’d take the initiative, at least that’s what he told himself.

“I bet it will,” you openly flirted. Joel knew better than to return the sentiment, but it was so damn difficult. His mama would’ve smacked him upside the head if he had, and that was enough to stop him. All he offered was a smirk before turning away and gathering dishes to be brought back to the pile of other used utensils.

“D’ya need a water or anything?” Joel asked, already reaching for a clean cup. You nodded and he filled the glass first with ice, followed with water and a straw. Laying a napkin on the counter, Joel gently set your water down with a close lipped smile.

“Thanks for stopping in, darlin’,” he said just loud enough to be heard over the rock music he had playing. “Get back to that hotel of yours safely, alright? Don’t wanna hear about Miss New York on the news. They never show anything positive nowadays.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” you chuckled, gathering your things to leave after drinking most of the glass. He took these moments to really take you in, dramatically telling himself that this could be the last time he’d ever see you. Last time he’d witness your cherry stained, stunning, yet intoxicated smile, your soft skin, and those gorgeous eyes.

His admiration was interrupted by the honk erupting from the impatient taxi driver’s vehicle outside. You turned on your heel, offering a ‘goodnight, Texas!’ before walking out the door. Joel scrubbed a hand across his beard, huffing a self deprecating laugh and a muttered ‘shit’ before continuing to close up shop. He beat himself up internally while cleaning the dishes until his phone buzzed. He dug the device from his pocket, flipping it open to see a text from an unknown number.

“Didn’t end up on the news. What a bummer! Maybe next time ;)”

Joel smiled to himself, tucking his phone back into his pocket. He finished his closing tasks and made a little to-go Shirley Temple mocktail for his daughter. Before exiting the building for the night, he turned off the glowing ‘Pour Choices’ sign and locked the door behind him. His smile faded as he left his bar behind, remembering his life’s reality and his responsibilities. Those stressors sat heavy once more upon his shoulders until he fell into a deep slumber that night.

Your first full day of work was exhausting to say the least, and the small hangover you suffered did not help one bit. And whoever decided you should come to Austin in August had become your own mortal enemy. You’re used to your mild summers back home, not sweating so much that your clothes stick to you uncomfortably. But the thing that bothered you the most was the imminent, distracting thought of Joel, especially as the sun retired behind the horizon. The way the fabric of his shirt pulled taut around his thick biceps and how they flexed every time he mixed up drinks. You had watched him use his charm to get tips practically thrown at him by the other patrons, he really put that handsome grin to work. 

You were alone in your hotel. There wasn’t a scheduled dinner with your team, so you sat in bed watching Scrubs reruns and eating what constituted your dinner: cheese, crackers and pepperoni slices you picked up from the grocery store. A little disassembled charcuterie board if you will.

Beckoning your attention, your phone buzzed against your nightstand. The caller ID had your heart pounding against your chest. Joel. It was almost like he could read your mind.

“Hello?” You started, wiping the crumbs off of your fingers and lowering the volume on the show. 

“Evenin’,” he drawled out your name. His voice came across gruffer and frankly hotter over the phone than in person. The way it fed directly into your ears had a chill running down your spine.

“Night off?” You asked nonchalantly, a sad attempt of remaining mysterious, knowing if he was sat next to you, you’d melt into a puddle.

“Mhm,” he hummed, pausing for a moment and chuckling quietly. “Sorry for callin’ late. I’d text but that would’a taken me a decade. How was today? Hope that whiskey didn’t ruin your morning.”

The smile you sported grew in size. It felt nice having a normal conversation that wasn’t work related…even if it was with someone you just met.

“It was good! Busy but good. I had a headache but nothing I couldn’t handle. It’s stupid hot here though, didn’t appreciate that,” you hummed to yourself in thought. “Nothing much happened, lots of meetings. Now I’m just hanging out in my hotel. How about you?”

“Same here, nothin’ much. Are ya doing anythin’ or just wallowin’ in your loneliness?” He teased, testing the waters a little. You wish you could see his face. See whether he was sporting a shit eating grin or if he was gnawing on his lip nervously.

“Ha-ha,” you shot back, pressing your cell between your cheek and shoulder to stand up and settle near the window. “I’m watching TV and eating my nutritious dinner of cheese, crackers and pepperoni, thank you very much.”

“Dinner?” He scoffed. “Now I think you need'ta hustle on over here and have a real meal. You can’t possibly be callin’ all ‘f those HR shots with that diet, hm?”

You gotta give it to him, you aren’t that smooth on a whim, that takes practice. Looking out at the Austin skyline, you snickered to yourself and leaned against the window’s frame. 

“C’mon, I have almost all of my food groups in front of me, I don’t think that’s too horrible,” you retaliated jokingly. “What do you have to offer, huh?”

“Well you got me there, darlin’. I do have wine if you wanna round out your meal,” he offered. You could hear faint tapping coming from the line. He was nervous. 

Considering the proposal, you decided to take it, despite your early morning and full day approaching. Joel offered to pick you up so you didn’t have to pay for another cab and you gratefully accepted. You quickly got changed back out of your sleepwear into something almost equally as comfy and perhaps a bit more revealing. 

So you find yourself sat on Joel Miller’s couch. The ride was fine, you chatted like before, but with a bit more direct flirting. You observed his spaces. His truck was simple, a little, beat up pickup, but you were sure it got his work done. There were scuff marks from tennis shoes on his dash. Your mind wandered as you imagined if they were from a friend or former lover, but you didn’t let it bother you.  

There was a little pine tree air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror. The smell of its woody scent combined with his warm, leathery cologne and a hint of Irish Spring all flooded your senses. And god, he didn’t just smell good, he looked so good.

Joel looked perfect in the driver’s seat, his biceps straining against his smooth skin as he gripped the wheel, prominent veins popping through his forearms. Looked so cozy in his small kitchen, pouring both of you a hefty glass of rosé. His hands enveloped his cup entirely as he brought it to his plush lips. The way they framed his teeth when he smiled down at you gave you heart palpitations.

And even sitting comfortably in the corner of his L-shaped couch, Joel continued to look amazing. His leg was crossed over the other, creating the perfect shelf on his knee for his wine. Those arms stretched far across the back of the couch as he fidgeted with a loose string stuck on the cushion. Everything about him screamed disciplined. The way his spaces were mostly neat, organized and decently decorated added to your observation. He belonged here, and it seemed like he worked hard to get the things he earned.

The casual facade you had faded away the longer you chatted about your lives and sipped on your glasses. Topics like work and hobbies came into conversation, and you learned that Joel liked to play with guitar and sing a little—only when he was alone of course. Then you began talking about more personal matters, like your relationship statuses. 

“You’re kidding!” You exclaimed, feeling warm from the wine in your system. “You don’t have a girlfriend or anything?”

Joel chuckled and shook his head down at the couch. You watched as he observed the cushions-worth of space between you two. By that point, you were fully turned ninety degrees to face him in conversation, your legs tucked comfortably under you. Your face felt hot as you wielded the half empty, stemless wine glass.  

“What about the kid in your pictures? Is she your niece or something?” You were referring to the framed photos both nailed to the wall and decorating the table in his entryway. Most of them contained himself and the child, whether she was celebrating with a soccer ball and a trophy or blowing out candles on a cake, her wild curls spilling every which way from her party hat.

“Nah, she’s all mine. My Sarah turned fourteen a few weeks ago,” he smiled to himself, making your heart clench and pound against the confines of your ribcage. The proud look he had on his face told you about everything you needed to know about his relationship with his daughter.

“Fourteen? You don’t seem old enough to have a teenager,” you chuckle. “Where is she tonight? Seems like you got the house to yourself.”

“Why I'm flattered. She’s got a friend’s birthday party sleepover thing. That’s why I had to take the night off. I’m her personal chauffeur, of course,” Joel offered a curtsey jokingly.

Your smile widened as you brought your now second glass of rosé up to sip once more. You don’t care to ask about Sarah’s mother, it was a personal matter and possibly a sensitive subject. 

A comfortable silence fell between you as you looked at one another. You watched the automatic rise and fall of his chest and the way his cheeks burned from your gaze. His chocolate eyes bore into yours, melting your heart without even trying. His exterior was gruff and masculine but he had proven time and time again that he was probably one of the kindest men you have met. Must be that southern charm and hospitality, but man was it addicting. 

“What?” He barely asked above a whisper, copying your actions with his wine. His attempt to hide his smile behind his clear cup obviously failed. His blush spread down his neck and you could only imagine if it went any farther down. Your thoughts of Joel were beginning to become tainted by your blooming arousal. You wanted him. On top of you, under you, you’d take anything and the growing wetness pooling in your panties was evidence of that. 

“Can I be blunt, Joel?” You grinned as you sunk a bit further into the cushion against your side. He responded with a hummed ‘mhm’ so you’d continue, bringing his hand back into his lap. The fabric of his joggers barely contained his strong thighs, making it more and more difficult to contain your urge to see what else lied beneath his pants.

“I really wanna kiss you,” you admitted cheekily, fairly certain that he was thinking the same thing. 

“Oh, do ya now?” He smirked, leaning over to pluck your glass from your grasp and put it safely on his coffee table along with his own.

“I think you’re a little mind reader,” Joel continued. “‘Cause I was thinkin’ the same thing. Bet those pretty lips are real soft.” His hand found your waist after you confirmed he had consent as he guided you onto his lap. You hummed contently as you draped your arms over his shoulders, toying with the stray, chestnut curls at his nape. 

“What happened to Mr. Shy Guy, huh?” You teased, letting his calloused hands explore the expanse of your back as your lips ghosted over his.

“Not shy, just polite, sweetheart,” he rasped before closing the gap between you two. His palms were flush against your lower back, radiating heat through the thin material of your shirt. 

You melted into him, bodies pressed as close as possible without your knees sinking between the couch cushions. Lips slotted together and hands wandered as you filled all of your senses with Joel. His tongue was stained with a familiar smoky taste, which was definitely not coming from the wine

“Why do you taste like whiskey?” Your mouth formed a smile against his matching one. His hand cupped your cheek as a chuckle rumbled deep in his chest.

“Had some before I called ya,” he admitted bashfully. “Doesn’t matter now.”

In an instant, he was kissing you once more with increased passion, making you completely forgo the subject. His tongue flicked into your mouth, teasing the delicate skin on the inside of your lips. He gripped at your hips, trying to pull you closer to him but your legs protested against his furniture.

“Scoot forward,” you mumbled against him. And he did what he was told. His hips shifted forward, granting you more room to sit directly on his lap. Sighs were drawn from both of you as you settled back into each other, his cock already half hard under you. Your fingers messed with the hair behind his ears, earning a pleased moan from him.

“This doesn’t have to go anywhere if you don’t wan’ it to,” he panted between kisses. Just above a whisper, you uttered, ‘I want it,’ and Joel’s hands took it as permission to explore further down your body, palming at your ass through your shorts.

A whimper slipped between your lips into Joel’s, and he swallowed it whole. He pressed your body closer to his, your clothed sex dragging over his sweatpants. His cock twitched up in response to your mouth finding his jaw, his short beard scratching against you.

“Lemme take care of you,” you mused, bringing your hands up the sides of his face. He relaxed back into the couch, his blunt nails pushing under your shorts into the meat of your bare thighs.

You started by kissing his lips once more, then the two prominent patches of missing hair on his chin, and made your way down to his throat. His adam's apple bobbed under your touch as pants grew tighter on him.

“Knew you’d have the best lips, fuck,” he mumbled as you licked up the side of his neck, his pulse racing under your tongue. “Can’t wait to feel your pretty pussy ‘round my cock, sweetheart.”

“Patience, handsome,” you whispered into his ear, your breath sending chills through his body. He let go of your legs as you bunched his shirt into your palms, sitting up to help remove it. Hair scattered sparsely on his chest, pausing on his upper stomach only to come back thicker as it disappeared into his boxers.

Your palms dragged down his torso, skimming over his nipples and ribs as he naturally recoiled from the stimulation. You gently kissed and sucked at his collarbone so it could be hidden away under his shirt. Color rose to the surface of his skin the more you worked at it, flattening your tongue against it once you decided your mark was left properly.

Joel was breathing heavily under you, his hands snaking under your shirt to your breasts. Your nipples were already pebbled through your bralette, becoming unbearably hard the moment Joel started running his thumbs over them. He gently pushed your shirt and bra above your tits, leaning forward to bring one to his mouth as his hand toyed with the other. His tongue lapped your skin, rounding the hardened nipple and sucking it back slightly. An image of him doing the same to your clit had your eyes rolling back with pleasure.

“Joel,” you mewled as he switched breasts. He spread his saliva around your areola as he picked up his ministrations on the other. A groan vibrated against your skin as your nails raked down his happy trail.

“Wanna suck your cock,” you continued, holding onto the waistbands of his pants and underwear. His unused hand covered yours entirely, pushing it down to free his throbbing cock from its confines, the tip weeping with precum. Never in your life had you seen a dick so big before, and you couldn’t wait for it to split you in half.

“I won’t last a minute in your mouth, sweet girl,” he drawled, reaching back up to leave a chaste kiss on your lips. “Don’t wanna come before you.”

Spitting onto your fingertips, you mixed it with the slick seeping from his tip then dragged it down his shaft, squeezing it in your palm on the way back up. Joel groaned into your neck. He wedged his hands back under your top, lifting it over your head and forcing your hand to leave his cock.

“Need’ta taste you first,” he muttered, his amber irises completely eclipsed by his pupils. Joel removed you from his lap and laid you down onto the couch. You watched as he settled between your legs and hooked his thick fingers into your bottoms, licking his lips. Raising your hips, he pulled everything off of you, leaving you bare. Cool air hit your glistening pussy, sending a shiver up your spine. You whined out his name after he stared at you for a moment.

“What?” He cooed, smoothing his hands over your inner thighs. “Wan’ me to touch ya, hm? Fuck you with my fingers ‘n stretch that pretty pussy out? Maybe suck on your clit. S’that what you want, darlin’?”

You nod your head furiously, dying with anticipation to have his hands, mouth, something on you. Wordlessly, your foot hooked around the back of his leg as you attempted to pull him closer to you.

“Ah ah,” he tsked. “I think ya gotta ask for it, honey. Ask for it nicely.”

“Fuck,” you whined with desperation. You could feel your arousal dripping down your ass and ultimately onto the couch. “Please fill me up, touch me, taste me, whatever you want.”

“Good, so good f’me. Open up,” he encouraged, slotting his first two digits between your lips. He spread them on each side of your tongue. Saliva collected on his thick fingers as you swirled your tongue around them in figure eights. A groan rumbled in Joel’s chest.

“Yeah I’m gonna put my cock in this pretty mouth next time, baby. Feels perfect on my fingers,” he grumbled. His fingers came out of your mouth with a pop, a string of spit connecting him to you. 

Joel finally slipped his fingers through your swollen folds, teasing your entrance and collecting more slick. His fingertips circled lightly around your clit, drawing a broken moan from your throat. His free hand tapped against your hip, signaling you to raise them with an ‘up.’ He grabbed a throw pillow and positioned it under you. You relaxed your already trembling legs, and he had barely even touched you.

He settled onto his stomach, spreading your legs apart as far as they’d go. A pointer finger breached your entrance as he kissed the seam where your thigh and pussy came together. Soft moans escaped you as you carded your fingers through his curls. His smug eyes met yours as his tongue moved everywhere but your clit. He looked better than ever between your legs, and you didn’t know that could be possible. His teasing was deserved for what you were doing previously, but it was agonizing.

“Please, Joel,” you groaned. “Please gimme more, I need you.”

Obliging to your request, Joel added another finger into your cunt, curling them both and stroking your g-spot expertly. All of the air left your lungs the moment his flattened tongue finally found your clit. Joel’s groan vibrated throughout your entire pussy, adding to each sensation deliciously. It didn’t take much more for your legs to start shaking and squeezing his head between your thighs, a hot sensation bubbling in your lower belly.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come, don’t stop,” you cried, grasping Joel’s hair much tighter than before. He suckled your clit and flicked his tongue over it with a moan, sending you flying over the edge. Your walls fluttered around his fingers and he rode you through your high. He kissed your trembling thighs until they relaxed, his unmoving fingers still stuffed inside you.

“God, you’re even sexier when you come, sugar. Taste even sweeter too,” he hummed, shifting himself up your body until his lips found yours again. He tasted still of whiskey but with a mix of your arousal.

Joel brought his now soaked fingers back into your mouth to replace his tongue, urging you to suck all of your spend off of them. You hummed around his digits and wrapped your quivering legs around his waist.

“And you were preachin’ to me about patience,” he teased, removing his fingers and stroking his cock a couple times. He was sitting up and resting on his heels, looking like pure sex. His proportions were perfect, he was broad and you’d happily let him crush you under his weight. 

“It’s hard to be patient when you look at me like that,” you muse, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth. Joel snickered quietly, dragging his nails over your inner thighs. Goosebumps followed behind his light touch and your legs twitched when he got close enough to your sensitive core.

“So,” Joel began, settling comfortably on top of you and kissing your jaw. “I haven’t been with anyone since I was tested last n’ I’ve had a vasectomy. But I’ll gladly get a condom if ya want me to.”

“Hmm, a gentleman,” you grinned, your fingers finding their way back into his hair as you enjoyed his affection. “I’m clean and more than okay without it.”

Joel slotted his cock into your slit with a smirk, groaning at the new sensation. His tip nudged at your clit with each pass, earning moans from both parties. 

“Almost came all over this couch with you clenchin’ ‘round my fingers like that, honey,” he drawled. “Fuck, ‘m not gonna last long.”

You gave him a reassuring kiss as you wedged your hand down between you two. Lining up his tip with your entrance, you watched as he disappeared into your welcoming cunt. His face pressed into your neck as he slowly sank into you, anchoring himself with his hands planted on your waist and thigh. Strings of profanities left him as he stretched you out, the pressure you felt quickly morphing into pleasure. 

“Shit,” you hissed when he bottomed out. “Feels so good, Joel.”

You urged him to continue, and he complied. Starting slow, he pulled out halfway and pushed back in to test the waters. The drag of your core had his toes curling. He wasn’t lying when he said he wouldn’t last long. His cock swelled in you after a few minutes as he panted into your neck. 

“Fuck, fuck I’m sorry,” he grunted.

“S’okay, come for me, Joel. Please,” you consoled him, wrapping your legs around his hips tighter. He spilled into you, the sticky fluid coating your inner walls. Your nails dragged along the expanse of his back as he caught his breath.

His face emerged from the crook of your neck, flush and sweaty. He tried apologizing once more but you shushed him. Your lips met again as you grasped his dampened curls, pulling at his locks harder than before. Cock stiffening up again, Joel resumed thrusting into you slowly. A squelching sound emitted from your pussy as his pace quickened.

“Joel,” you gasped, tangling yourself around him tighter. He took it as an opportunity to scoop you up and change positions, sitting on the couch and giving you the freedom to ride him. 

“Wan’ you comin’ on my cock, beautiful,” he moaned. His calloused fingertips circled your clit as he fucked his load deeper into you. You bounced on him, his cock spearing you. The tip hit your g-spot with each thrust. Stars sparkled in your vision as you clenched down on him hard.

“C’mon, use my cock, make yourself come. That’s it, fuck.”

His hips bucked up to meet yours halfway, the sound of skin slapping echoing throughout his living room. You were a moaning mess, chanting his name haphazardly. Your walls clamped down around him and milked any remaining cum from him as you both reached your second peaks.

“Christ,” he groaned, stilling inside of you. The mixture of your fluids seeped from your fluttering hole. Joel smoothed his palms over your sweat slick back, peppering kisses along your shoulders and collarbone. Praises flew from his mouth like a prayer and you were his goddess, all his to worship.

Joel used his sweatpants to catch any leakage as his softened cock slipped out from you. He took his time with you, helping you regain your composure with more kisses and lingering touches. You followed him to his room where he properly cleaned you up and gave you a Texas Longhorns shirt and boxer shorts.

“You’re more than welcome t’stay,” Joel offered. “Or I can drive ya back. Your choice, sweetheart.”

Your arms snaked up and around his shoulders, stretching yourself up on your tiptoes. A smile crept onto your face as Joel held you steady by your ass. You peeked over at his unmade bed with only two measly pillows, one of them crumpled up in the middle of his bed. A shy smile adorned his face as you refocused on him. He was going to be the death of you.

“Set an alarm and take me to bed, cowboy.”

Late into the following evening, you found yourself back in Pour Choices. A lingering soreness twinged between your legs the entire day. You weren’t there to drink. You wanted Joel.

He started his usual greeting until he realized you had stepped through the doors, another black dress clinging to your body and lips stained a deeper shade of red than before.

“Hey, darlin’,” he smiled breathlessly. You sauntered over to the bar, leaning in close and cutting to the chase in a seductive whisper.

“I’m gonna sit in the corner and wait for you to close up. Wanna return the favor from last night.”

Joel can confidently say that was his quickest close of his career, and you can just as confidently state that you successfully returned the favor, covering that poor man with crimson lip prints. He’d never complain about the physical reminder of you, using it as inspiration on the nights he craved you while you were away. He never thought he’d go from having everything from you for a couple weeks to having nothing for over a year.

“Wasn’t sure if you were gonna remember me,” you smiled softly, a twinge of sadness in your eyes. He chuckled and shook his head, grabbing a new glass and some ice.

“I could never forget you, sugar,” he smirked, grabbing a top shelf whiskey and pouring it into the glass. The crackle of the ice drew your attention. You were always a sucker for whiskey. He remembered.

“On the house, darlin’. Want me to take your other drink? Doesn’t seem like you enjoyed it,” Joel pointed to the condensation lined cup with the half dranken Manhattan. “I know you’re not the sipping type of gal.”

“Yeah, thank you,” you smiled brighter as he took away the used cup. “Y’all don’t make Manhattans like they do back home,” you jabbed, taking a big gulp of the chilled whiskey. Those familiar lip prints stamped on the glass.

“But,” you continued, glancing at his bare ring finger. You observed the sprouting grays in his sideburns and deepened creases on his face, seeing the effect that the last two years had on him. “Y’all have something that New York doesn’t.”

You traced the rim of the glass, trying to pick up any emotion from his expressionless face. He did however crack a small smirk at your comment and leaned against the bar with both hands. Suddenly it felt like everyone else disappeared and it was just you and him in the moment.

“Hm, and what’s that, sweetheart?” He leaned closer and replied softly, but just loud enough for only you to hear. 

“You, Joel.”

to keep up to date on upcoming parts, follow @pascalpvnk-writes and turn on notifications. thank you for reading!! <3

[ofliterarynature]

AUGUST 2023 WRAP UP

[ loved liked okay no thanks DNF (reread) bookclub*]

Witch Week | A Perilous Undertaking | 2 AM At the Cat's Pajamas | The Last Sun | The Lives of Christopher Chant | The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo* | (The Angel of the Crows) | The Enchanted April | The Art of Prophecy | A Curious Beginning | Q's Legacy | The Grimoire of Grave Fates | Charmed Life | Ocean's Echo | (Band Sinister) | (Unfit to Print) | Camp Damascus | Wanted, A Gentleman | Translation State | The Mistress of Bhatia House

I’m late I’m late I’m late! Oops

It’s only a month late, right? ‘Only’ lol, work has been exhausting! Anyways:

At this point I wonder if Ann Leckie can ever do wrong, Translation State was good! I was completely enthralled, which is all I ask, even if I don’t get as passionate about it as the main trilogy.

I continued the KJ Charles reading, with these supposed stand alones that are also kind of related? Honestly it’s no less of a stretch than Society of Gentlemen to Lilywhite Boys, so I don’t know why she can’t officially list them together. Anyways, mostly fine, and Band Sinister is still a delight!

Camp Damascus…I’m thrilled for Chuck, really, and I think he’s a delight to follow, but this one wasn’t for me. Religious trauma is turning out to be a hard no.

Ocean’s Echo was good! In some ways I definitely thought it was better than Winter’s Orbit - miscommunication is the worst I’m sorry, this story was more consistently engaging! I just like the characters from WO a bit more.

Chrestomanci! I’ve been going by the suggested reading order on Goodreads, and while I wasn’t particularly enthused by Charmed Life, once I had a grasp on the world the other books have been fun! Im very sad this might be my last DWJ, as I seem to have exhausted my library’s collection of her audiobooks :(

Grimoire of Grave Fates had a really interesting premise that lured me in, despite my reservations - an anthology where all the stories work together to solve the mystery of a murder at a magic boarding school? I thought it worked fairly well (and could definitely spin itself out into a series of novels), but just ok for me. Maybe one day I’ll finally concede I can’t read YA or boarding school books anymore.

Q’s Legacy was the last (I think) of the 84 Charing Cross Road books, and honestly the worst. It had its interesting moments, but it lacked the cohesion of the other two, speed,-running the before and during of those stories, to then spend the second half on the adaptations. It was not at all what the descriptions led me to expect. Maybe worth a single read but not a revisit.

I will also be honest, I didn’t really like the first Veronica Speedwell! The plot felt a bit contrived, and Veronica was so blunt as to almost read as rude or mean. Also very unexpectedly…clinically horny? Does that make sense? I’m not quite sure what prompted me to continue, but I’m now several books in and enjoying it! To be blunt myself, the historic setting is just set dressing, the plots can feel contrived, the mysteries are mediocre, but the real draw is the Veronica and Stoker show once they get themselves settled in and comfortable with each other. It’s a hoot.

I’d heard good things about The Art of Prophecy, but I still didn’t know quite what to expect going in. It was wonderful. Maybe a little long, but if you’re looking for a fantastic fantasy with lots of fight sequences, no romance, and some fascinating characters, this is a great read. The sequel comes out soon and I can only hope it doesn’t take as long for my library to get the audiobook as it did for this one.

I don’t know where I first found An Enchanted April, but it’s been on my TBR for a little bit, and I thought it would be the perfect fit for my classics challenge I gave myself this year! It wasn’t what I expected at all - it’s entirely character driven and very focused on their flaws, and the entire first half I thought I was going to hate it. But the second half, there’s a twist, almost, born of some very  naïve optimism that nonetheless works out. Very improbably, but I was happy for them, you funky little weirdos. 

What can I say about The Angel of the Crows except that it is still very good! It’s maybe lost a little of the shine it held when I got obsessed with it for a few months last year, but it is definitely now one of my comfort books. I really ought to read more canon Holmes though lol.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo was, to be fair, one of my suggestions for book club. It was OK, but there were definitely parts that really did not work for me, the frame narrative in particular. The other members of the club really liked it but I don’t have any plans to read more of the authors work.

I’m almost tempted to put The Last Sun last just so I can yell more. I’d heard such good things about this series, but turns out my expectations were a bit skewed - it is not historical or secondary fantasy world, oops. So we got off to a bit of a rough start, not to mention all of the Capital Words. Not usually a good sign. And while I still wouldn’t say I love the worldbuilding necessarily, or that these are the next great work of fantasy, the action is really great, and the characters are flipping fantastic. You’ve got a pair of 30 year olds who are bad ass fighters, have a traumatic past, are immature assholes, can be so so kind, and accidentally adopt a posse of troubled teenagers? Sign me up, I love them, this reminds me so much of my days reading tons of Teen Wolf fanfic AUs.

My history with 2 AM At the Cat's Pajamas is that they cannot stop recommending this thing on the Book Riot podcasts. When I found a copy at Goodwill, I thought surely it’s meant to be! Well. It was not bad, but it was not great. I don’t know. It just wasn’t for me and I will not be keeping my copy. I probably should have DNF’d it, but I continued in hope.

Only one actual DNF this month though, The Mistress of Bhatia House - the newest Perveen Mistri book. I was actually fairly excited for it despite my reservations about the earlier books, but I hit a mental roadblock with this one. There was some contrived feeling tension with her sister-in-law, but really, I realized that one of my main problems with this series is that, despite being in a very precarious social position, Perveen is just incredibly reckless - usually in the name of doing good! - but it just hit all the wrong nerves at the moment. I’m hoping there will be a better time to read this, but not right now. 

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 1 - Side B

Propaganda below ⬇️

Kristen

Once known as a Chosen of Helio, Kristen lost faith, found out she was gay, escaped the abusive church, and helps a lonely abused goddess return from the dead and continue the goddess of mystery. She also ends up creating her own god in the middle there, but decides it's kind of super annoying and eventually nopes out.

Kristen might be skirting a couple lines here so I'll provide my reasoning for why I think she might belong in the competition but feel free to choose as you wish. Kristen used to follow Helio, and her entire relationship with religion and Helio is meant to show a story of a queer teen leaving an abusive Christian church (I'm not sure if it's specifically Catholic or not, I'm Jewish and don't really understand the differences very well). Throughout the story Kristen meets Helio, finds out how much of a dick he is, finds out how terrible the Church has been and becomes more aware of how her family and the Church are racist/homophobic/abusive/etc., learns more about the world and breaks her ties with the Church, and then goes to find her own faith and a god worth worshipping.

girl is miserable for so much of the first season. girl is battling the brain demons. girl is battling the actual demons. and the actual angels. and the football coach who she knows from church. girl has brothers named bucky bricker and cork. girl invents a new god and cannot get people to convert to her faith apart from a singular dude named craig because she is so visibly annoyed by her own god. girl is gay and has a werewolf girlfriend. girl is so kinky. girl has a dexterity score of 4. not modifier. score. i'm kissing girl on the mouth i love her a lot.

She was a chosen prophet of Helio but oops she’s a very lesbian and so she has to battle with her faith hating gay people as she realizes she is gay people. Early on dies and goes to heaven and discovers Helio is a frat bro and doesn’t really vibe with that. Eventually dies again and fights past angels to get to Helios office and finds her old principal (who died to resurrect her the first time she died, it’s a long story, watch dimension 20, shits wild). And so he makes a deal to help her if she helps him break out of heaven. And also while she’s in heaven she makes a new god whole cloth out of her current beliefs. (She later finds that god annoying because it’s the embodiment of “YES! WOW! YOU CAN DO IT!!” The god turns from YES! Into Yes? In her changing faith. She later resurrects an old god of dreams who was corrupted). But yeah so she has religious trauma out the wazoo. She went to church camp that was actually a front for a cult within the Helioic faith. Idk if it’s Catholicism exactly cause I’m not catholic but it’s clearly parallel so some real world Christ based religion.

At one point they drop 10 stories because they thought they could use their ribbon to fly. They couldn’t.

her entire arc over fantasy high's first season is realizing she was gay and also that her church and the people in it were basically a cult which like SAMESIES and she does end up going to heaven after dying by slipping on corn and getting incredibly disappointed by the jesus equivalent of her universe (his name is helio and he is a frat boy) and after she's resurrected she makes her own god (not very catholic sorry) and preaches about it (pretty catholic of her tbh.) aside from the religious trauma some other kristen fun facts and highlights are that she once ribbon danced down the center of a spiral staircase and lived, she carried a bible around for a good chunk of her freshman year of high school, and her last name isn't a reference to anything because applebees does not exist in the world of fantasy high.

View more propaganda in her tag

SCP-166

Catholic deer girl. She’s just nature themed. Wants to have access to a Catholic phone line. But is not allowed to due to it risking the possibility of exposing SCPs to the world. But she has a rosary. Just unhinged.

She was just left in a convent and was raised catholic. But I love her because she has the most unhinged father and she's close to getting there istg

[zkwoodrow]

I should probably make an introduction oops..

Hello!! My name is Khrisz but by pen name I go by z.k woodrow (or just z.k)!

I am a 16 year old genderqueer person with a passion for storytelling and art. I aspire to become a YA horror author someday in the future!! I've been drawing digitally for around 5-6 years.

SO! What is there to expect from me?

• I am currently working on my first YA horror book: THE NEW NORMAL which has started its official first draft on March 31st of this year (2023) and WILL include illustrations drawn by me! :) I don't go by a schedule, so the date for this books release is a mystery of the future! But fear not, for I will be giving out updates from time to time ^_^!

• On the side of art, I occasionally draw characters from my book(s) and I'm mostly original content centered. Though I also SOMETIMES draw fandom artworks (Current hyperfixiation is The Spirit Bares Its Teeth and Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White)

• My works heavily rely on symbolism! I like to work with animal symbolism the most. Though surely other topics will appear later on!

• And finally, A summary of all the projects I work on/will work on in the future:

- THE NEW NORMAL: Story about an autistic and intersex teenager who believes in monsters and looks up to "the humans" despite not being one. Her brother gets mysteriously kidnapped so she sets out into the world to bring him back. But her beliefs get challenged as the line between human and monster blurs... (YA HORROR NOVEL WITH ANIMAL SYMBOLISM ABOUT HUMANS THAT ARE TRULY MONSTERS AT HEART)

- KING OF CROWS(UNDECIDED TITLE): Story about a semi/non-verbal boy born into a strict (and somewhat abusive) catholic household who lives in a christian neighborhood with a few trouble making friends. Then the "angels" come and the world erupts into armaggedon...teens develop powers and everything they've ever been becomes a thing of the past as they try and not become 'saints'. (CONCEPT YA HORROR NOVEL ABOUT RELIGIOUS TRAUMA)

- TO ESCAPE BY A "HARE": Story about a boy with unusual rabbit-like ears who lives with his overly protective mother in an isolated house in the woods. His mother says the outside world is dangerous and he must stay at home. A few "bad apples" show up on his yard and tell him he's in danger living in his house. Then he starts seeing ghosts that beg to be freed and are thirsty for revenge. (CONCEPT YA HORROR NOVEL ABOUT THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MOTHER AND SON)

- BIRDCAGE (UNDECIDED TITLE): Story about a 16 year olds car crashing down in the forest so they are forced to stay the night in a strangers house who has dreams of becoming a well known artist. Soon they realize they can't leave, and find themself stuck in a cycle of torture with the painter who is mentally un-well. After 2 years of torture, a mysterious car pulls up in the driveway. It's the MC's car. (CONCEPT YA PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR NOVEL WITH A TIME PARADOX PLOT)

That's all there is for now! I hope you stick around!

-z.k

[childofwonder]

I finished The Path :D

Quick character and song analysis for Cal Roberts, Hugh Dancy’s character. So spoilers obvi but also TW! Sexual abuse, trauma and violence will be talked abt in this post.

When I was getting close to the season three finale I had listened to Two-Headed Pt. 2 and had the connections thrown in my face. Neutral Milk Hotel has always used religious or spiritual imagery in their music which is so fitting for a show about being in a cult. The way Jeff describes relationships and trauma, how he puts them all together can be healing and a little scary as it is a very raw look at the horrors of life. It reflects the way a victim may respond to their own trauma once they have started the healing process. This song reflects Cal’s experience as Jeff reflects on his family and childhood and the use of fatherly imagery.

As Cal’s story unfolds it’s revealed that he is a victim of childhood sexual abuse and it’s explored quite extensively. Cal isn’t fully aware of the abuse and has it is slowly revealed to himself and others. This trauma effects every aspect of his character and the relationships he forms within the cult. He believes that he has had something so important to him taken away and that if he can be the leader he can take all that damage back. This position of power he is so desperate for is to strip Steve of his agency (even after his death) which he believes will help him overcome this pain. Cal also believes that the darkness of those who hurt him is who he is and not the reflection of what happened to him and the adults who let him down. He has lost himself in this darkness.

In the season three finale Cal has reached a bottom. Eddie is going to reveal the secrets of Steve and the movement, exposing the abuse done to Cal in the process. Cal cannot see a future past this point and spends the episode planning a suicide attempt. He leaves the mother of his child two letters, buys a gun and goes to the hidden cave with painted flowers which he knows no one else knows about except him and Sarah. After finding the letters, Mary calls Sarah and begs her to help find Cal and she explains his plan. Sarah rushes to the cave to find Cal with a pistol preparing to take his own life. It is dark at this point and they are completely alone. Up until this point Sarah and Cal hadn’t been interacting much. In season one their childhood relationship is rekindled and in season two Sarah becomes co guardian of the light with Cal, leading the cult together because Cal had dug a huge hole for himself. To lead alone he probably wouldn’t survive but with Sarah she would be able to conceal his crimes (he kills someone, oops) and keep up the facade that Cal and her were “chosen”. As they continue to lead Sarah discovers more and more of Cal’s secrets, she comes to despise him. They also end up sleeping together and getting together during season two which doesn’t last very long because Sarah discovers that Cal had an unhealthy relationship with Mary and that she was pregnant. (I can not tell you how worried I was that Sarah was going to get pregnant) all this to say that Sarah is very important to Cal. They both really loved each other and their relationship had fallen apart. Sarah starts to leave the movement during season three so her and Cal never get a chance to reconnect till this point. Sarah talks Cal down very slowly and reassures him that the darkness put inside of him is not who he is, that he isn’t what those people did to him. He believes that putting it to an end will make it go away but she tells him it won’t. He starts to cry saying he wants to be over it already and he hugs him. He drops the gun and goes back with Sarah. The impact of this trauma has left Cal directionless and his only option is to stay with the cult. He sees it as home and wants it to change for the better and be apart of that change. He joins Eddie and Sarah as they continue the cult at the end of the episode. The show doesn’t get a fourth season but they wrapped up Cal’s storyline enough to give him a new starting point.

Cal’s original motivation for leading the movement is that he is the son of Steve and that Steve had promised him that he would lead in his absence. Cal takes this a step further in season two to try and strip Steve of his influence and placing the importance on who comes after Steve. Not only does Cal want to take away Steve’s influence and power to give it to himself, but he wants to prove that he is the rightful Son of Steve. His whole childhood he had been taken away from his alcoholic parents so the only father he knew was Steve. Steve even alludes to thinking of Cal as his son. When Eddie confronts Cal to tell him he’s the chosen son he is broken about it. He knew that he had lied about being chosen but it must have stung to have it confirmed that your abuser and the god you believe in chose someone else rather than you after you had been subjected to abuse, which he believes makes him worthy of being leader.

Cal has a confusing number of love interests and partners throughout the three seasons but the one who is most significant is Mary. She is the first one to approach him in a sexual manner and he consistently goes back to her. She disclosed to him that she was abused by her father as a child and that she is vulnerable and damaged. Cal not only can relate to that but takes advantage of that. Knowing that she has an interest in him and that he has power over her, he continues the relationship with her to extremes in secret. Cal and Mary’s relationship isn’t really abusive. He definitely has a position of power over her as he is her CULT LEADER but he never hurts her and restricts himself with her every time they are together. This early on shows how Cal has a victim mentality to sex and relationships. He struggles to be intimate or let others touch him and usually is acting on sexual impulses. The relationship between Cal and Mary has heavy marriage symbolism in season one and two, Cal encourages Mary to form a relationship with another cult member she met early on. Cal become jealous of Mary’s affection towards him so he jealously sends him away. After Mary angrily confronts Cal about him sending her bf away she realizes his feeling for her, he goes to get her bf back. When he’s brought back him and Mary have some struggles but Cal encourages them to move forward together and get married. On the night of Mary’s wedding she goes to Cal again. This is the first time they actually have sex. She goes through with her marriage to her bf and then discovers she’s pregnant. Right off the bat in season two it’s hinted to that the baby is Cal’s and after being abandoned in the woods by her bf Mary gives birth. The cult finds her outside of the compound with a newborn in which it is revealed that it is Cal’s baby. Then they begin having a real relationship for awhile. They start living together and raising their son but still never get married to each other. Cal never commits fully to Mary but takes on the role of father with a great amount of pride. During season three Mary and Cal have a scene together that I think shows how much Cal actually cares about her and in someway himself too. Mary gets a urge to make Cal “feel good” and Cal stops her to ask her how she would want to be touched. She’s thrown off by him asking the question so he asks again in a clearer way and they have a gentle scene together. Whenever they had sex it wasn’t violent or abusive. It was usually passionate and gentle. In the end Mary has much more control over Cal than she has over him because he is always putting himself down and Mary is just learning to build herself up. It’s an interesting progression and in the end Mary is better off. She becomes independent of Cal and the cult at the end of season three giving her a hopeful future. The lyrics “Two-headed boy, she is all you could need. She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires.” Reminded me of their relationship as Mary is the one person Cal comes to love and connect with most deeply throughout the series, she gives him his son and helps him connect with the trauma he had forgotten. Also in the first episode of season two which hints to Mary carrying Cal’s baby, he eats a tomato from the garden on the roof which I find funny.

Two-Headed boy Pt. 2 has imagery that reflects some of Cal’s story and matches the story of his life. Him coming into the knowledge of his abuse and his son, him finally connecting with people who love him and those he cares for. The lyrics “Love to be with a brother of mine” reminds me of his relationship with Eddie. How they are both orphans brought into the cult, just at different times, and how they were treated so differently. Cal being able to reconnect with Eddie in season three was really heartwarming. He isn’t really trying to be brotherly with Eddie but it happens naturally that he doesn’t notice it. He trusts Eddie and even helps him which is so different to the way Cal was with him in season one in which he’s trying to gain control over Eddie and steal his wife. Also “Brother we are one in the same” which highlights cal and Eddie’s reflective relationship.

In season one Cal and Eddie return from Peru at the same time and their conflict starts almost immediately. Cal has a relationship with Eddie’s wife Sarah because they grew up together, Cal and Sarah’s first interaction in e1s1 is him subtly flirting with her. Sarah had chosen Eddie over Cal and it sets up a competition between them. They are constantly competing for the love of Sarah, Steve and the cult.

In season three while Eddie is running the cult he keeps Cal close by at first only accepting him back on conditions. As the season goes by Cal proves himself worthy and Eddie begins to trust him again. At this time Cal knows abt his trauma and is in the process of initially working through it. When Cal uses the HC (it’s a thing from the show but it’s basically restricting breathing by using ropes) in the painted cave he confronts his trauma with Steve. The tighter and tighter he wraps his belt around his body the more Steve suffers infront of him. Steve at this point is dead and the person who is actually inflicted with the pain is Eddie. He comes to understand Cal’s pain and trauma because he can feel it. He can feel all the trauma as Cal restricts himself and understands what had happened to him. This connection between them is linked by Steve. Steve had chosen Eddie as the son and they became connected by the lightning that strikes them and Eddie clearly has some psychic abilities when he was having visions of the future so it really isn’t a far fetched idea. When Eddie comes to Cal to let him know that he now knows what happened Cal is shocked that he figured it out but he also accepts that he was the one who told him. Eddie had already been treating Cal differently at this point but after this they are more brotherly than ever. They work together, give each other advice and Cal even supports Eddie as a leader, he sees him as family. When Mary leaves Cal for defending Steve on tv, Cal tells her that he wants to stay in Meyerism because it’s the only home he’s even know and now he feels that he wants to stay and be connected to the people he loves. He doesn’t want to lead it or take it away from Eddie, he just wants to continue to help it grow. He wants to have his family.

These parts of his story reflect the song A LOT. Cal’s journey from broken boy to evil leader to broken man is all there in the show to see and the song felt so similar to the person Cal gets to be at the end of the show. By the finale he is stronger than he had ever been, he has a family and people who love him and want to protect him. He has gained so much of what he deserved as a child and now gets to raise his own son better than he was. It’s a very beautiful story. Even though Cal pissed me off A LOT it was a really beautiful story to watch unfold. I really had no idea his character would become so complex and complicated but the execution of it was amazing. His story was handled with care and thought which left room for him to grow and evolve from this arrogant liar to a trusted friend. There are even more details that I could connect to the song but they are all kinda obvious if you watch the show. Jeff’s writing style has always been spiritual and religious which is simple enough to connect it to this show but Two-headed boy pt. 2 really speaks to Cal as a character and his journey through childhood trauma and self acceptance.

[lovecoredeity]

11! You pick the oc but ideally all of them :3

11.) what do they have in common with you? how are they different? would you get along with them? blanket answer: all of my ocs have something in common with me because I project so much

Cashmere probably has the most in common, loves cute things and the colour pink, wants the best for others but not herself, family related drama and trauma, dumb of ass, etc. I’d most get along with Cashmere because Cashmere has a friendly relationship and as said, we have the most in common

Lanturn has the least in common, all we really have in common is poor eye sight and religious trauma. I think I’d get along with Lanturn as well, albeit tentatively because he’s smart and pretty and that intimidates me in a person

Trinket was made as a way to project like my feelings and the fact that I tend to shut down and push people away (oops) and ended up becoming an actual oc, I think what we most have in common is not wanting to let people to get close so we don’t end up getting hurt! Trinket would be the hardest to get along with because he doesn’t want to get along with others at the beginning of his story, maybe with persistence and showing that I mean no harm and genuinely want to be friends I could manage it but it would take time

I haven’t thought enough about Serenity to decide what we have in common

oc ask game

[emergingghost]

I showed people Julien music without coming out as Gay. I just gonna be in for the deeply introspective and analytical look at my flaws, tenuous relationship with being alive, religious trauma and self depreciation. I did have to come out as mentally ill, tho. Don't know what I would prefer.

that is very true, if anything is revealed about a person by listening to julien's music it's definitely more so the emotionality of the person and their deep deep self-critical nature haha. i find that whenever i speak about her to people or show them videos of her, that is when theyre like "wow you seem so fond of her" haha oops. also every time i show my dad an artist he googles them and is like 'huh! theyre gay!' idk how much longer i have until he starts connecting the dots haha

[mishwanders]

Adorn [Kinktober Day 31: Free - Hierophilia]

Pairing: Chris Redfield x GN Reader

Genre/Warnings: Smut. Adult content, minors DNI.

Summary: time to rid you of the horny (who am I kidding, we know that’s not going to happen).

“Please -“

There you were, unable to see the room from the blind fold, feeling the burn of the ropes around your wrist and ankles as they continued to keep you down and open on the bed. Your skin was warm and sensitive after being burned with the anointing oil that was spread about your skin. It had a scent of cinnamon and it lingered in the air around you, enticing your senses. In between your legs was a vibrating toy tied tightly to your tight, keeping it in its place against your sensitive skin. This torture had been going on for hours as you were begging for mercy and relief to be bestowed upon you.

Chris stood next to you, watching you come undone like the unholy whore you were. Hearing your pleading spurred something inside of him. Was it his need to save you? To free you from your eternal torment? He would never truly know. But seeing you in this state made him feel something for you that he’d never felt before.

Chris took the rosary in his hand and slowly dragged the cold steel figure of the crucifix across your body, along your sensitive skin, causing you to jump at the sensation. He continued to do this slowly until he made his way up to your neck, and placed it around it, adorning you with the most holy symbol of the lord.

“Pl-please, save me.”

Chris lifted your chin up, his face grew closer to yours. He was so close you could feel his warm breath dancing across your skin, intertwining with the smell of the anointing oil.

“Do you wish to be free?” He asked, barely even a whisper.

“Yes.”

“Then let me relieve you of the devils torment.”

Chris moved away from you and disrobed himself, making his way to the end of the bed. He stopped the toy, which provided you momentary relief as he removed it from your leg. He watched you visibly relax as a pained smile painted your face. All he could think about was how he was about to ruin it all.

He grabbed the lube that was infused with holy water and applied it to himself and you, watching you jump at the sensation, a gasp escaping you.

“Oh god!”

He chuckled at your reaction while he crawled up on the bed, positioning himself between your legs, caressing your thighs and sliding his hands up your naked body as he slid himself into you.

You let out a moan as he stretched you out, sliding all the way to the base. He took hold of the rosary around your neck and wrapped it around his hand, pulling up on it, so it would gently choke you.

“Fu-Chr-“

“Ssshh it’s alright, the devil can’t harm you, not while I’m here.”

He began to rock his hips back and forth into yours, picking up the pace with each thrust. You felt his broad chest rubbing against your own, each movement causing that scent of cinnamon to reawaken your senses, feeling the slight tingling pain on the surface of your skin once again.

You continued to choke out tears as moans spilled over like tongues of fire on your lips. Chris kissed your jaw tenderly, taking in the sweet scent of you.

“That’s right, let it out sweetheart, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

The tears continued to fall faster, moans increasing as he continued to fuck you in this state - completely at his mercy. It felt sinful and holy at the same time, being completely consumed by him.

You wondered if the lord would allow for someone else to have your heart, being the jealous god they were.

But regardless, they sent you a saint, and this was one you intended on keeping.

[hatsunerandal]

part ten of my playlist analysis!!

part 1 <;- part 2 &lt;- part 3 <- part 4 <- part 5 &lt;- part 6 <- part 7 <- part 8 <- part 9 <- right back in we go

stained glass and colorful tears - pierce the veil THE DIFFERENCE IN VIBES FROM THIS ONE AND THE LAST ONE IS SO FUNNY anyway. itd be funnier if lucy was american but i will stand by my lucy loves ptv hc.

careless whisper - george michael real ones have already heard this BUT THIS IS LITERALLY LOCKWOODS SONG CMON BRO HE LOVES IT SM HES LIKE IN THE KITCHEN ON LUCYS FIRST MORNING AT L&CO AND IS LIKE PUTTING ON ENTIRE PERFORMANCE USING A SPATULA AS A MIC CMON ITS SO FUNNY. hopelessly devoted to you - olivia newton john ok this one is a lucy george duo performance they both love this song sm and george absolutely can hit all the high notes. never ending summer - wes reeve RHRFHFHFHF FLUFFY SUMMER VIBES IN THE COUNTRYSIDE THEYRE JUST GOIN ON BIKERIDES AND PCINICS SOBS SCRESMS CREISA. to build a home - the cinematic orchestra, patrick watson shes reading to him in the library <3. could you love me while i hate myself - zeph the song fits the vibe less so but the lyrics are literally lockwood!!!!1!!!!11 stuck on us - claire rosinkranz, aidan bissett i am stuck on THEM theyre eating away at my brain fr. repeat until death - novo amor eepy library vibes (can u tell its my favorite vibe). sweet nothing - taylor swift lockwood is a taylor swift girly you can fight me on this. but yea this is more of him looking at lucy like <33. oceans - seafret oops angst now. lucy feels like theres oceans between them because lockwood is so refined and put together (or so she thinks until she hears him begging winkman to kill him) and shes so,,, not. she thinks shes messy, she thinks shes unprofessional and unfit for this job. stay live - jose gonzalez 'we'll do whatever just to stay alive' feels so lucy and george being the only things keeping lockwood alive. you wouldnt like me - sleeping at last RHRHFHFHFHFHFHFH lockwood feeling like if he shows lucy the real him she'll leave just like everyone else he just. hes so scared of being abandoned (me too homie). wildfire - seafret theyre so painfully in love i love them i love them i lvoe them eating drywall ilove them. hate to be lame - lizzie mcalpine, finneas lucy trying to deny her feelings for lockwood because/???? lockwood???? rteally??? tythat stuck up suit-and-tie wearing bastard?? LOCKWOOD???? type beat. glitch - taylor swift lockwood taylor swift girly agenda is spreading. this one feels relatively self explanatory? cognitive dissonance - sophie holohan 'get too close, build a wall' ok lockwood pack it up. summer 2019 - caroline culver feels like fight vibes. not a breakup fight but definitely a fight. sleep deprivation - chance pena lockwood insomniac part 769984580386. reckless driving - lizzie mcalpine, ben kessler this one is so close to being taken off the playlist actually i just. idk i need help deciding it doesnt feel right. did i make you up - half alive hes so confused because lucy is so??? perfect??? in his life???? impossible he has a hard time trying to figure out if shes real or not just because shes so perfect. agape - bears den lockwood song thats it thats the tweet yes i already make this joke bear with me. state of mind - sod ven more lockwood religious trauma methinks hahahahahahhahahahahahha. hot tea - half alive its even better since they all love tea sm. theyre so soft and fuzzy i love them sm. christmas kids - roar this one os very lucy centric/book lucy centric. its her sister (mary i believe?) watching her leave that tiny town and finally get rid of everything in it. WE'RE FINALLY FUCKING DONE THAT TOOK SO LONG </333

[strayslost]

possible ideas for a fyodor backstory, this is all brainstorming. i have not checked AT ALL to see if this lines up with canon yet so if it contradicts anything please let me know!!

he was raised by his parents, who were... well, they Tried Their Best?? he was isolated and stigmatized by other children and adults for his intelligence, and his parents were honestly scared of him too and encouraged him to repress it, but they at least tried to show him compassion. his mother was sickly, just like him, and passed away when he was young. this introduced him to the "problem of evil" in a religious sense - and the idea that illness and natural pain that exists in the world is there because of the sin of humanity, specifically original sin, a belief held by a fair amount of members of the christian faith.

anyway, his father is killed by a criminal, and fyodor witnesses it - where his own ability kicks in, and he ends up killing the culprit. this is extremely traumatic for him, and he wonders why he was given this ability to kill, especially as those around him stigmatize and reject him even further as a result.

in his teenhood, he begins considering the idea that he's special; above other people, that he's been given this ability for some kind of purpose - anything to ease the guilt and prove those who've judged him wrong. and at some point, he finds out that his father (possibly mother too??) was actually a terrorist - someone who planned on using his (and other people's??) abilities to do great harm/destroy the world/whatever, i don't know yet.

he also witnesses plenty of examples of abilities being used to harm as he grows up (if anyone has any ideas they're willing to share lmk!!), and both of those things together lead him to the belief that humans shouldn't have that much power, because it only causes them to sin further. essentially, ability itself is a sin and has too much potential to harm. he also comes to the conclusion that death is a way of saving people - i have an image in my mind of him talking to a priest who makes an offhanded comment that leads fyodor to completely the wrong conclusion, lol... but regardless, he's started to pity humans, who know what they're doing is wrong but almost "can't help it" in a sense?? and he sees death as achieving three things - a way of releasing them from a world that only causes them pain, a necessary step in achieving his forming ideas of creating a better world, and a way to also literally save souls by preventing people from sinning further and going to hell.

he both holds a genuine empathy for people's struggles, but also a deeply arrogant sense that humans are nothing but foolish and sinful - they can't surprise him, and will always make the wrong decisions, and need to be told what to do and what to think. it saddens him to know when people suffer as a result of his actions, but only in a distant kind of sense - because it's for the "greater good" in the end, and it's a natural consequence to their actions anyway. however, he doesn't so much view himself as superior - i mean, he does. like. he thinks of himself as smarter than others by far, but he sees it as something that was blessed to him by god, and he recognizes that he merely "got lucky" compared to everyone else, which is part of why he pities them.

i lost track of the backstory along the way and started rambling at some point oops... really though, his belief that he has this grand purpose, and the responsibility to save people, it's all a defense mechanism stemming from his trauma of being isolated by others and the trauma of killing someone as a kid. he has to believe it all meant something, that there was a reason for it, that he's special. i feel like i might be missing a few important details though, and i might not be placing enough emphasis on his desire to get rid of ability-users specifically... hmm.

what do you guys think, is this an okay backstory, what's good and what could use changing, etc??

[intrepidradish]

Media: NBC Hannibal

Year/my age: 2020/30

What drew me to the media:

I had long been a fan of Hannibal Lector. Silence of the Lambs was one of the first suspense thriller movies I watched, and it's so good. I think it's a perfect movie for me. It never gets stale. Hannibal is good too. Red Dragon is pretty good (but I think I liked Manhunter better). I haven't seen Hannibal Rising... oops. I wonder where that is playing. Guess I know what I'm doing later.

So it made sense that I was intrigued by the show. I didn't just launch from Farscape into Hannibal btw. I actually took a detour through some animated shows. The one I remember the most was the new She-Ra. That show rocked, but I always felt a little weird about the concept of writing porn for a show aimed at children. I had the inclination too, and then backpedaled. People that can do that are way more dedicated to the craft then me. Hats off to you.

Also REMINDER the shutdown happened in March of 2020. I was trapped inside. I watched Hannibal. Probably not amazing for my brain, but....eeeeehhhhh.... we were in an impossibly difficult situation and trauma be where trauma does. (that sentence purposely makes no sense)

What made me a fan:

I'd like to say I was already a fan as stated above. I love Hannibal Lector. I was already truffle snuffling for monstrous men. Mads Mikkelson is a weird babe, etc etc. I also really dug the religious imagery and over-the-top murders (but if we're critiquing, the dialogue was very heavy handed, perhaps too much)

I'm not a serial killer fan. I'm not particularly interested in true crime. Procedural television bores me. But season one was so refreshing for Hannibal! I think there should be more really fucked up detectives (looks at Disco Elysium, yeah! YEAH!) and that's coming from someone whose favorite detective is actually Poirot, the most uptight fussy ponce imaginable.

What drew me in is also what draws a lot of people into Hannibal. The romantic tension and the fooooooooooood. I love food. I love making love with a good meal. I love the flouncy, fantastical elements of expensive dining mixed with DEATH DECAY DESTRUCTION EAT EAT EAT DESTROY DEVOUR. Would you like some more wine with that? It's a three hundred year old vintage that cost $2K from a province that was burned in ww2 and never recovered.

Like...It's great.

It's also a very pretty show. It's also a very different show.

Like I watched Killing Eve too, and that show is fun, but it's like....not nearly as deranged as this one. Like Hannibal is a crazy show. I can't imagine what kinds of hoops people jumped through to get this thing made.

Have I written fanfiction for it? Why or why not?

I have written ONE fanfiction for it. Doneness is a very weird story. I had two people edit it. One being iterations, who said it wasn't gross enough and the ending was disappointing (she's very honest) and the other being Pierrot_dreams, who I know in real life and is a fantastic writer/editor but also writes insanely violent porn. We were talking recently and reminiscing on Doneness. She was like "that story was fucking weird."

It is.

But I wanted to write a fanfiction with the same tone as the show, which is difficult, because the show is, as mentioned, fucking wonky. The dialogue is intense. The symbolism is heavy handed. Food is really important. The romantic tension is like a cut vein, you're bleeding out, and in love.

I wanted it to be a procedural murder mystery like from the first season but with all the drama of the second season. I wanted it to be gnarly. I wanted the villain to be understandable. I wanted a lot. I think I deliver on that, but the fandom for Hannibal is also a little weird.

I'm not disappointed with the reception of this very weird story. I only wrote one story, so I never built up a fanbase for my own writing there. Every time I reread it, I enjoy it a lot. It's well written, and well edited, and also crazy (and the sex is hot).

Opinion on the fandom:

I think people want to make this show much softer than it is. I think people see these two violent insane characters and want them tamed. They want them in their coffee shop au, where there is no killing only fine dining. That's fine. I never ever want to be a gatekeeper to what people want from a media. I'm just not going to read it.

I liked the show because it was violent and vengeful and it was never going to be fixed. The situation was untenable. I hope those two bastards did die. I hope they aren't on their honey moon in Italy or whatever. I hope they got smashed against the rocks and took hours to die looking at each other with blood and salt water in their mouths, unable to move. I hope Bedelia got eaten by another food fetishist.

It's grotesque obsession and sometimes that's love. That's the story. I wouldn't want to change that. That's what stories are for, for me to live as someone else for awhile because WOW that's absolutely never going to happen to me. Hahah. Thank GOD.

Would I read it again?

Sure! Terror loves Hannibal. I really want to get in the mood to read all her stories because I bet they are amazing. Some of the best fanfiction I read for Hannibal were these quickies written by ScarletteStarlett. I'd read those again because wow they are great.

[iamkidfish]

Why Shelby’s teeth works so well as a metaphor for her sexuality

I know this has been talked about a lot but I got sent an ask that made me have a Shelby breakdown so I just thought I’d add my two cents :’)

It’s pretty clear Shelby’s sexuality is linked with her teeth. She says that her flipper is something that holds back all this “ugliness”-referencing the expectations of her life, her internalized homophobia from her father, and the guilt she feels over Becca’s death. That’s a lot of emotional weight packed into a tiny little piece of plastic, but it makes sense.

1. Expectations/Performance: Very quickly into Shelby’s episode, we see how ‘fake’ she really is. (By fake, I mean conforming to the expectations her family and life has provided to her as a means of self-preservation and survival) The pageants, the boyfriend, her teeth are all ‘given’ to her as things she is expected to perform under or with but Shelby’s compliance is a double edged sword: it allows her a safety net (to play a ‘role’ in her family/community but still have these feelings for her best friend) but it’s also the rope that’s constricting her

Does Shelby even like pageants? We know she’s good at them but why did she start competing in the first place? Was it Dave, who saw some early signs of Shelby liking girls and forced her to participate in one of the most gendered things in existence? Or does Shelby put herself into that environment willingly, knowing how she feels about Becca (or girls in general) as a way to shove down her feelings?

We know Shelby is perceptive of these expectations because she lays them all out in her argument with Toni in episode: “I’m not just talking about pageant stuff”. The first time Shelby kisses Becca she’s in a pageant dress (another thing symbolizing her expectations); the first time she kisses Toni, they’re literally talking about expectations in Shelby’s life-”You’re free here Shelby, On an island a million miles away from whatever bullshit expectations and if you’re not taking advantage of that, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you”. Also important: both of these scenes/kisses have a fallout; the first being the marker on Shelby’s dress (and her father noticing the mark and the kiss) and then Shelby literally running away from Toni in the second scene (and running back to expectations/role she’s known her whole life).

It’s also important to note: Shelby’s line to Martha in the pilot “I do family, I do jesus, I do pageants.” those are the three things that are actually harming her/forcing her into these boxes. 

2. Dave Goodkind and internalized homophobia: Oh Dave...nothing like giving your kid years of trauma

Jokes aside, this is the most obvious connection between Shelby’s flipper and her sexuality. It’s mentioned in the show that Shelby first gets her fake teeth when she’s 11 and that’s a long time for her to link all of her insecurities and doubts and negative self-image to her retainer. I’m not completely sure but I think it can be easily interpreted that’s when Shelby realized she liked girls (or at least Becca)

Remember, Dave tells Shelby “God only does beautiful” after her parents initially say no to getting the permanent implants and I’m willing to bet that’s something he started to tell her when she first realized she needed the implants at 11.

It’s only until after Dave catches her kissing Becca that he starts to talk about “fixing” things

(Another important note: the scene where Shelby confronts her father about the kiss, he’s on the treadmill and in the very first scene we see of Shelby’s flashback, Dave is leading the cycling class. Exercise is another motif that is present during Shelby’s episode that relates back to the idea of image/appearance/expectations)

Dave tells Shelby “I still pray for everyone even if they don’t deserve it, even if they can’t be saved” and this is the first moment where it all crashes down. This is when his narrative changes and he changes what he’s telling Shelby to fit the narrative he has constructed.

So he decides to attack Shelby at her most vulnerable: the night she wins the pageant competition which, subsequently, is also the night she finds out that Becca has died. I’ve decided there is no way that Shelby’s parents (at least Dave) don’t know about Becca’s death. Other than the fact that they’re living in a small, conservative, religious Texas town, Shelby’s mom mentions Becca’s ‘mental health problems’, making it clear the news got out into the community, even if Becca’s parents tried to keep it under wraps.

Dave only mentions the possibility of Shelby getting permanents after the pageant competition, when he knows that Becca is dead, which is interesting to me. Obviously there could have been other times he mentioned it, but the writers’ specifically chose to include it in that scene, emphasizing the metaphor of Shelby’s sexuality being linked to her teeth. Dave is telling her “look, Becca’s death is your fault, the relationship that has been broken to the most extreme, these things are fixable. and you will be fixed.”

Again the metaphor is basically confirmed with the order of scenes in Shelby’s episode. Dave continues to push Shelby into getting the permanents, even after Shelby’s mother looks shocked and protests, saying “if it can be fixed, the pain is worth it”. I think in the very next interview scene Shelby tells Faber and Young that she had “very different plans” for the summer and she also has her flipper still (and it’s still cracked), signifying Dave’s plan for her conversion didn’t work. Assuming that’s how Gretchen marketed it to him for him to agree to send her.

I know there are also some theories around saying that Dave is also gay but went through some kind of conversion therapy, from the way he talks to Shelby, and with all the metaphor about the teeth being genetic-I couldn’t find the post but thought that was interesting to add. 

3. Guilt about Becca’s death

Oops this is getting long so I’ll make this short. 

But Shelby tells everyone that know one else knows about her flipper, except in the flashback scene where Shelby kisses Becca, Dave invites her to stay for dinner. Obviously this had a double meaning, but what’s important is that it’s casual and feels authentic, like it’s been happening for a long time. And why shouldn’t it, Becca and Shelby have been friends for years, of course Becca is going to eat dinner with Shelby’s family. So she has also seen Shelby’s flipper/knows about her teeth. 

There’s a lot to be said about the parallels of Toni and Becca both telling Shelby that they “see” her in someway but for me, the most important part is after Leah accuses Shelby of being the spy in ep 7. Both Toni and Becca, the only two people who Shelby has confided in her feelings with/kissed and know about her teeth, say that “see” her. 

Shelby tells Toni, it’s “just another reason to hate me, not that you need any more” connecting back to the conversation she had with Becca on the porch, and you realize that, through the connection, Shelby fully blames herself for Becca’s death and feels as if Becca hates her, because, she believes, Toni does too.

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 2 - Side B

Propaganda below ⬇️

Dracule Mihawk

Okay so he wears a cross necklace and his sword looks like he has a cross on his back. Like yeah hes a gothy bitch but got that Catholic vibes trust me also got that catholic vampire 18th century facial hair

his weapon is a giant bedazzled cross sword and if he held up his arms he’d look like he was being crucified on it. he’s spanish *and* dracula coded. puss in boots has been accepted and this is his human counterpart.

he keeps sipping red wine, what’s that if not the blood of christ?? also his hobby is gardening and he adopted two orphans. catholic mom.

a vote for mihawk is a vote for all of the forgotten one piece characters

Kristen

Once known as a Chosen of Helio, Kristen lost faith, found out she was gay, escaped the abusive church, and helps a lonely abused goddess return from the dead and continue the goddess of mystery. She also ends up creating her own god in the middle there, but decides it's kind of super annoying and eventually nopes out.

Kristen might be skirting a couple lines here so I'll provide my reasoning for why I think she might belong in the competition but feel free to choose as you wish. Kristen used to follow Helio, and her entire relationship with religion and Helio is meant to show a story of a queer teen leaving an abusive Christian church (I'm not sure if it's specifically Catholic or not, I'm Jewish and don't really understand the differences very well). Throughout the story Kristen meets Helio, finds out how much of a dick he is, finds out how terrible the Church has been and becomes more aware of how her family and the Church are racist/homophobic/abusive/etc., learns more about the world and breaks her ties with the Church, and then goes to find her own faith and a god worth worshipping.

girl is miserable for so much of the first season. girl is battling the brain demons. girl is battling the actual demons. and the actual angels. and the football coach who she knows from church. girl has brothers named bucky bricker and cork. girl invents a new god and cannot get people to convert to her faith apart from a singular dude named craig because she is so visibly annoyed by her own god. girl is gay and has a werewolf girlfriend. girl is so kinky. girl has a dexterity score of 4. not modifier. score. i'm kissing girl on the mouth i love her a lot.

She was a chosen prophet of Helio but oops she’s a very lesbian and so she has to battle with her faith hating gay people as she realizes she is gay people. Early on dies and goes to heaven and discovers Helio is a frat bro and doesn’t really vibe with that. Eventually dies again and fights past angels to get to Helios office and finds her old principal (who died to resurrect her the first time she died, it’s a long story, watch dimension 20, shits wild). And so he makes a deal to help her if she helps him break out of heaven. And also while she’s in heaven she makes a new god whole cloth out of her current beliefs. (She later finds that god annoying because it’s the embodiment of “YES! WOW! YOU CAN DO IT!!” The god turns from YES! Into Yes? In her changing faith. She later resurrects an old god of dreams who was corrupted). But yeah so she has religious trauma out the wazoo. She went to church camp that was actually a front for a cult within the Helioic faith. Idk if it’s Catholicism exactly cause I’m not catholic but it’s clearly parallel so some real world Christ based religion.

At one point they drop 10 stories because they thought they could use their ribbon to fly. They couldn’t.

her entire arc over fantasy high's first season is realizing she was gay and also that her church and the people in it were basically a cult which like SAMESIES and she does end up going to heaven after dying by slipping on corn and getting incredibly disappointed by the jesus equivalent of her universe (his name is helio and he is a frat boy) and after she's resurrected she makes her own god (not very catholic sorry) and preaches about it (pretty catholic of her tbh.) aside from the religious trauma some other kristen fun facts and highlights are that she once ribbon danced down the center of a spiral staircase and lived, she carried a bible around for a good chunk of her freshman year of high school, and her last name isn't a reference to anything because applebees does not exist in the world of fantasy high.

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