#my social anxiety is terrible
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ANOTHER will wip i cannot stop painting this man.
#gave will a huge ass forehead and a terrible haircut i will cut that out later lol#not the first or last time say this but hannibal i get u for drawing will so much.#trying a new style for funsies#oil but digital#cuz this man(or hugh overall) deserves to be captured with an oil painting#but i am NOT bout to pull out a canvas drawing him with actual oils cuz first my place is not ideal for oils#and second my family will see it when its drying. and how do i explain this.#drawing a beat up bloody man. no#explaining my social anxiety topic to my east european immigrant parents was hard enough.#especially when u gotta translate ur meaning and words which u usually make up in english to ur mother tongue. I CANT EXPLAIN IT WELL ENOUG#ok this has become a rant#enjoy anyhow#i am procrastinating again#nbc hannibal#hannibal#will graham#fanart#wip#work in progress#digital art#hannibal fanart#will graham fanart#rumaiq art#my post
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Honestly I'm surprised my Discord friends aren't tired of my shit yet. I'm the only one yapping endlessly about stuff no one else cares about and I always feel so bad afterwards. I guess I'm just waiting for that one day they tell me to shut up.
#maybe i should stop that#i just get so excited i need to talk about my fav things with people#yeah going through it again sorry#turns out spending the entire midterm break stressing over internship#and then getting hit by social anxiety when the break ends#is a terrible combo for your mental health#gekko.txt#vent
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i honestly don’t hear enough people talk about how bad social anxiety gets post high school, particularly in work environments. Over the past two years I’ve become extremely hesitant to even speak in a lot of the spaces i'm in—classes, social events and especially workplaces. And as someone who has never felt socially anxious before I feel really alone in navigating this new obstacle.
like tell me why i have been at my workplace now for almost six months and can't muster up the courage to converse with my coworkers comfortably, while this guy who has been here for two weeks is already cracking jokes about Julie's terrible love life.
#like#i'm just extremely hyper aware now of how i express myself#and with newer acquaintances i'm not sure how welcomed my approaches are#so to avoid awkwardness and being annoying or offensive or whatever#i just don't engage in a lot of the conversations around me i just sit and listen#but then doing that can come across as offensive too bc like 'why is she being all uppity?' ukwim#as you can tell most of my trouble with this is at my workplace#but now i'm starting to see that feeling translate into other spaces too#i'm just scared this is going to set back my already terrible social life#bc i do want to have a social life#i'm rambling again#dilli rambles#social anxiety#mental health#anxiety#dilli rambles in the tags#mental health discourse
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#got an emergency dentist appt today at 14!!! T-T#sadly the dentist is a man but... beggars cant be choosers nd all that 🥲#they opened at 7.20 nd i woke up from a dream w a start nd was like ?????? if was 7.21#my alarm didnt go off T-T#luckily i woke up only one minute late omg what if i'd slept nd slept#but yeah have an appt now. i rlly dont wnna go lmao#now my teeth hurt a bit less nd im like hmmm... do i have to go ?? 💀#i should but it's just the money aspect that stresses me out#i might have to pay using the only $200 i have in my account#nd then get sent that money by my social wellfare worker#who has been terrible at replying lately so i might have to call her#it just stresses me the fuck out i wanna cry#if i had a job w my own money i wouldnt care at all i'd just pay whatever i needed nd then go when i needed#but now i made that appt nd my teeth do hurt so i'll just have to hope it works out ....#i have anxiety abt going to the dentists normally but now that i know it's a man im even more anxious T-T oh well... :((
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might be a bit early but im going to be on tumblr less. for my mental health and the upcoming school semester.
i love cotl i really do. i love the fandom youre all so talented and imaginative and i just cant keep up. breaks my heart that im unable to give everything the attention it deserves.
dunno if i will ever really "return". drawing has been difficult, i cant seem to find it enjoyable.
#update#ill be on discord if ya need me#fair warning my social anxiety is absolutely terrible#plus the content update! the content update im excited
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man work this past week really just fucking... wore me the fuck down for some reason. it wasn't even that bad. just long days and bad tips a couple terrible people.
#i shouldnt even say terrible people just#a nightmare of a toddler screaming that set off my anxiety really bad#and a couple old folk who were nitpicky before they even sat down#idk i wanted to like stream and shit today and i just do not have the energy in me to be social or do anything
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on the one hand I get why people are upset about the shorter s4 news but like as an ex mcu stan I am SO used to disappointment that it just doesn't phase me. like no matter how bad s4 is it will never be as bad as avengers: endgame.
#god what a terrible movie that was#every now and then I remember and just.. jesus christ hkjahksjah#I spent half the time in the cinema on my phone because I was so bored#I have social anxiety. I NEVER get my phone out in the cinema in case someone tells me off. and yet.
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being really brave today*
*going to watch football with some friends that i have never hung out with without jordan there for emotional support
#making plans when you’re in a social mood is a terrible idea#but i am trying to push through my anxiety
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Ok becoming an adult is understanding why it's rude to be a housemate who hides from their other housemates and never speaks to them
#idk if she has social anxiety or some other reason why she hides from us. and like i DO get it bc my social anxiety is severe as well#but it's so awkward living with someone who wont speak to u and avoids u and lives in a room directly off the communal room / kitchen 😑#we dont chill in the communal room anymore bc we're worried itll stop her if she wants to leave / use the toilet or something#which has made us less social with each other 😑😑#like we DON'T have to be friends just smile and say hello... dont make me feel terrible bc ive been cooking for ages#and when i finally finish eating and go up to my room you creep out to piss omfg 😭
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i love art, im very grateful for adderall for gifting me with the executive function, ease of prioritization, and clearness of thought <3
#seriously a blessing in my burnout recovery#i think i had 2 burnouts really#1st when i was 12 i burnt out academically#and fell into other hyperfixations like homestuck and anime#n cartoons also socially burnt after my friends got annoyed w myhyperfixes but got close w my husband which helped/distracted from burnout#then i did again injjjjunior year i would say#i was burnt out creatively and socially and i hated band for the first time and i met my first AP class that i couldnt just coast through#because we had to do checked notes and DAMN im grateful for that teacher!!!!!!!!!!!#genuinely led to me learning how to take notes on text when i never had to before#but i literally cried. because spent HOURSSS the first few times trying to do my notes before a classmate told me theres a website that#summarized the book#which helped a lot#but it was the first time since suspecting i have Something other than depression/anxiety that i was SURE i had adhd#it kinda just clicked so i got on a nonstimulant that helped a bit but had shitty physical symptoms that got worse as i got older#i was on it forrrr like 2 or 3 years before i stopped taking it#but i also got on a 504 which gave me deadline flexibility which like#great yknow finishing out junior and senior year medicated woo#but senior year last semester i had terrible senioritis lol#which i now realize was that 2nd burnout#and literally from march 2020 to the end 2022 i barely talked to anyone or engaged on any level with most people other than smoking weed#and being a therapist#and my beautiful wonderful husband ofc but we kinda enabled each other lmao#but yknow that gap of time when my locale cared about covid and stuff was just not going on i really recovered#i didnt draw much or do much hobbywise#i did probably too much weed and not too much but Quite a Damn Lot of acid#(which.. idk who follows me now... but acid isnt a evil scary drug it is not physically harmful and wholly dependent on mindset)#and i worked a lot#but... i quit my job at the end of 2022. which kinda directly correlates with me reconnecting with my friend group#and reconnecting with them... i decided to go back to college#re realized the path for my passion for psychology lies in academia and i LIKE that
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It's just that I feel like if someone says "I'm not very good at math" then that's generally acceptable in society and that person probably won't choose a math career and no one pressures them to practice and get better at math as if their life depends on it. But when I say "I'm not very good in social situations" people will give me all this advice about how I should do this or practice like this or start thinking like this in order to "get over it". And this isn't about me not having a good time in the club or something. This is about the fact that at this point it's like I'm virtually unemployable and unable to sustain myself because I am not a naturally social person.
#its not that i have an issue with practicing social skills conceptually because i very much would like to build that skill set#and i very much understand that a lot of it is based in anxiety that could probably be worked through in time#but. is it so much to ask that i have some viable path to stability and safety while working through deep seated personal issues?#i am a smart person!! i can do work! i know there are things i can do!#but!! i am simply terrible at interviewing! and with dealing with the general public!#like what do i do lol#oh noo look at me “using my mental health as a crutch” again :((((#personal
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Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much#im also just really snappy sometimes#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed#personal rambles#vent tag
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the universe knew i would be too powerful if i could talk to people normally i had to be nerfed to level the playing field
#i am simply afraid#of what you ask? it’s a mystery to me too#i’m sorry if my lack of talking and reaching out to people has made anyone think i don’t like them#i’ve got the really cool social anxiety and autism combo that makes me terrible to talk to and terrible at reaching out#i have warm feelings about everyone i have talked to i’m just very bad at showing it#oversharing at 3am on tumblr dot com
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btw to any of the mutuals who have my discord if you ever see me listening to still alive on repeat its because I just witnessed The Horrors
#also!!! if any of my mutuals want my discord u can dm to ask :DD#I would ask myself but it takes me ten years for me to I have terrible social anxiety(when asking for ppls discords)#but I do love talking to people!!aside from that lol#time to shut up bella
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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I need to get the hypothetical shitty friend who’s constantly talking shit about me behind my back OUT of my fucking HEAD. Who do you think you are saying that shit about me I don’t even like you.
#the hypothetical messy toxic ‘friend’ who’s keeping tabs on you is in my head constantly and I need to kill them dead#it is perhaps the worst and meanest way I self intellectualize and let me tell you!!! it triggers a lot of social anxiety !!!!!!!#no wonder I constantly worry over social interactions and talking to people when I harbor every terrible friend I’ve had over the years#who secretly hates me behind my back#when I actively have plenty of real friends who are veryvery good to me and love me very much#and also actually exist. in real life. and aren’t made up in my head by my mental illnesses
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