Just some Tuesday thoughts...
I've had the pleasure of getting to know a lot of great people via the internet these past few years. Sites like Tumblr, Fet Life, Double List, etc. have connected me with some pretty neat individuals.
But what spurred this little write up is the life cycle of those relationships. When you meet someone on a sex based website (or run a sex based blog) you see a lot of faces come and go. So many of us are on the hunt for something so specific. Some want a "one and done" situation... while others (like myself) want a drawn out scenario (call it dating, call it a FWB, call it what you call it).
I hate the part of the life cycle when I notice the change - the inevitable moment when a potential candidate has lost interest. Long essays and paragraphs turn into two sentence interactions (if that). Friendly/flirtatious conversation turns into a slightly degrative or judgmental interaction. In other words, someone shows their true colors.
I wrote a story over a year ago -
https://hotdamnmadison.tumblr.com/post/698363090093375488/and-ashley
It details a fictional, mostly toxic yet romantic interaction I might've had with a real person - if they hadn't experienced the change. (FYI the toxicity wasn't fictional, the romance sure was though.)
A character starts so eager and responsive - he knows that he has one shot at making a first impression with me. And then slowly but surely his excitement, his effort, and his desire all disintegrate in the matter of a couple weeks.
It is this part of the life cycle that I start giving up. I know the ship has sailed. I haven't changed anything on my end, so the issue is on the other side. And the moment I start to notice the change I tend to back away slowly. I'm not trying to get hurt again.
What causes this? Why is it most of the online relationships deteriorate? Is it the "cum and done" bullshit I've already written about?
Or did someone's wife catch them in the act? Or did I simply not give them my flesh soon enough?
Regardless, it stings so fucking bad when you think you've found someone who is different, only for them to turn out EXACTLY like everyone else.
I'm finally getting to my point. I'm tired of "online dating" and hookups. People aren't consistent enough for me and I don't know why they change. Maybe it is me, and I just can't see it for myself. I wish people would just come out and be honest up front....
"I don't want to date, I want to fuck... here is a pic if you're interested."
That person might not be my thing, per say, but at least we didn't waste two months while they lied to me about romance and dating.
Maybe I'm the only one dealing with this. Idk. It's aggravating and I'm tired of having the same convos over and over again - just to be let down at the end of it all.
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"If voting changed anything they wouldn't let people do it-" grabs your face THEY DIDN'T JUST "LET" PEOPLE DO IT, MOST PEOPLE COULDN'T VOTE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS. PEOPLE OF COLOR ONLY GOT THE FULL RIGHT TO VOTE 50 YEARS AGO IN THE US, THATS BARELY A GENERATION.
IF IT DIDNT MATTER AT ALL WHY WOULD THEY SPEND SO MUCH TIME GERRYMANDERING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYWHERE?? WHY CAN'T FELONS VOTE?? WHY CANT PUERTO RICO VOTE? WHY DO THEY KEEP SWITCHING DATES AND LAWS AND TIMES AND WHATEVER THEY POSSIBLY CAN TO STOP PEOPLE FROM VOTING?? WHY DO THEY MAKE EFFORT AT ALL??
BEING DISILLUSIONED IS A REASONABLE RESPONSE. BUT PEOPLE FOUGHT AND DIED AND ARE STILL FUCKING DYING FOR THAT RIGHT, DONT SPIT IN THEIR FACE.
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I need more of Astarion being an absolute undead fucking weirdo. No more suave charming elf man NO this man forgets to breathe for prolonged periods of time and randomly gasps or croaks because he can't speak without air in his lungs. He lurks in dark corners with weird reflective eyes and doesn't move until you notice him. He's SUPER into the scent of his lover and buries his face in their neck or chest while taking in a BIG snorf. He gets very affectionate when he notices his partner is on their period or is bleeding from other causes. He doesn't make noise when approaching someone and often scares the shit out of them because he just silently shows up behind them. He's addicted to the warmth of his partner and rubs his body against them like a cat. He makes animalistic grunts and moans while he feeds. He forgets to blink and just stares at people with wide eyes while they talk. He stares at his lovers pulse point instead of looking in their eyes. He growls when displeased. Sometimes he smiles just a tad too wide. He watches his lover sleep and waits for them to wake up for them to find him just staring them down, unblinking. He's a fucking freak and I love him to bits I need more weirdo Astarion.
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I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.
Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.
Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.
Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.
I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.
He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).
First, we get this:
Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.
They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.
It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.
We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.
What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?
He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.
In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.
Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!
...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.
Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.
And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.
I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.
And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.
Meals are the privilege of the living.
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dick grayson in fanon: sweet silly older brother, pretty but stupid, favourite child, happy robin, basically batman 2.0 but a nice person, his brothers are more skilled and could outpace him but they love him anyways, goody-two-shoes, good relationship with batman, responsible eldest child, mentally stable and supportive
dick grayson in canon:
became robin so he wouldnt commit first degree murder
like all of his appearances young justice season 1 are about how hes a maniac and a genius
leader and strategist of the teen titans
actually Murdered the joker
considered an equal by the worlds most dangerous and deadly mercenary
was literally fired by batman and only really continued working w him because of jason and babs
managed to keep up with angsty new-to-the-job batman
has had so many arguments with bruce its a miracle he hasnt cut him off forever (hes tried though)
can take down the entire teen titans if he wanted despite being the only one of them with no superpowers/abilities
was the definition of angsty teenager
inherits his insane paranoia from bruce
a thread away from breaking the no-kill rule, give him a rest
hes literally feral guys i mean cmon
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