tim and bernard who break up and it's nothing big, no one cheated or anything. it's just their lifestyles didn't work out well together. tim cannot give up vigilantism currently and bear cannot handle the level of danger tim puts himself in. and on the other hand, tim cannot handle the fact that bear chooses to run into danger as an emt bc he already worries about everything but now he has to worry if he'll find his boyfriend convulsing from fear gas in a random alley but also bear who felt the life drain out of darla cannot stand the thought of not helping people and runs headfirst into dangerous situation after dangerous situation hoping that every person he saves can somehow make up for the fact that he could not save darla.
(he very pointedly does not think about the fact that there was nothing he could do because if he thinks about that, he'll spiral until they have to lock him in arkham too)
and so they break up but they were tim & bernard in high school and when they started dating they balanced out the worst of each other and they became tim&bernard. and everyone who knows them, knows that they're better together but they cant be together, they refuse actually because they cannot lose another person to the violence of gotham and by the time they figure out that they cant work together as long as the other is an emt or vigilante, it's too late for both them. they've already left too many pieces of themselves in each other.
tim still knows what bear means when he says "tim" in that exasperated voice. tim still goes boneless when he hears bear say "baby" in that firm tone. bear can still read tim like a book. he still knows the right way to massage tim's neck so that tim can go to sleep. everyone at the first responders gala knows not to bother ceo drake-wayne and senior emt dowd when they're talking.
(and if they're standing a little too close to each other than what is normal, who are they to judge? everyone knows that dowd and drake-wayne have history)
and if everyone on the night shift has caught red robin with his head tucked into the crook of emt dowd's neck as emt dowd runs a soothing hand up and down the vigilante's back, well then, they just quietly back away.
(after all, dowd's one of like, five, emts that can get the bats to receive medical treatment so if turning a blind eye to whatever the fuck they have going on is what allows them to give back to their heroes, then the night shift will do it every time)
and of course, tim and bear are practical people. they loved (love) each other sure, but when your lives are fundamentally incompatible, well, you cant get too stuck on the what-ifs, that's for sure. and so they do find love with other people and yeah, maybe it's not what they expected love to be when they first fell in love with each other. it's not the bubbly, stomach-swoopy, cant stop grinning, feeling that permeated tim&bernard's early days or the i Know you/you Know me that was their middle or the quiet despair that was their end but it is contentment. and in a life with as many losses as theirs, contentment is something they hold dearly
and they're happy! truly! but sometimes, at galas when they're making each other snort champagne out their noses or in darkened alleyways when their clothes are both stained with blood or at rallies for stricter gun regulations in gotham where they both sit too close to each other, fingers enclosed around each other in a death grip, when the presenters inevitably bring up grieves
(worst school shooting in gotham in decades, there's blood on their hands and blood in their mouths and darla is dead in between both of them and there is a chasm so wide that they are screaming to get their voices across and she will always be dead and maybe this had always been the problem that she is dead and there is no coming back from that and that there is blood on their hands and blood in their mouth and blood on their han-)
but sometimes, most especially on opposite sides of the street, as life pulls them in different directions, just sometimes, they see each other and just for a second, nothing too long, the flap of a hummingbird's wings, the time it takes to blink, an electron's orbital, they look at each other and for the briefest moment, blue on brown, a barely noticeable stutter in their steps, the space between heartbeats, because this is all they will give themselves because they do not dwell on what-ifs or what-could-have-beens, or what-should-have-beens, or delusions of a softer world, their eyes meet and they think to themselves, god, in another life, i would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with him.
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Here’s what I’d do if I made a Servamp hospital AU except that I have no plot, only vibes.
Mahiru – head nurse in charge of one of the wards, often working the shifts no one else wants. He’s beloved by some patients for being genuine and kind, annoying to others for his no-nonsense-attitude, and adored by young doctors for providing useful advice. In his locker there’s a stash of necessities for patients with no one to bring them – toothbrushes, phone chargers, a small selection of candy…
Kuro – nursing assistant, unwillingly provided with a job by his housemate and head nurse Mahiru. He spends most of his work day either complaining or hiding in the bathrooms, but is kept on the team for the soothing aura he exudes. Sometimes he lets terrified kids borrow his Nintendo Switch.
Hugh – cardiothoracic surgeon. He is absolutely brilliant at his job, but struggles with the parts of surgery that require a bit of physical strength. Though he cares deeply for his colleagues he’s known for his very specific demands regarding surgery preparation, and occasional bouts of arrogance that are rumoured to be an attempt at compensation. Working with Tetsu has made him mellow out.
Tetsu – surgical nurse, and everyone’s favourite. Among the surgical team he’s deeply appreciated for the help he provides with physically demanding tasks, like positioning patients, and being gentle and careful despite his strength. Hugh insists on having Tetsu assist him whenever a challenging surgery is coming up, even if he has to stand on a step to mitigate their height difference.
Lily – paediatrician who excels at handling fussy children and difficult family members. Outwardly he appears sweet and saccharine in advocating for those in his care, but he knows his rights well and will happily manipulate, lie or go behind a parent’s back should he find it necessary. He’s often called in for patients with suspicious bruises or injuries, and works closely with Misono from clinical forensics.
Misono – specialist in clinical forensics. He’s known for his meticulous, court-proof documentation, which not a single lawyer has managed to get dismissed yet. Though he can’t work long shifts and used to be called in for consultations only, he has recently campaigned to establish a small outpatient department he can run some days of the week. He works closely with Lily from paediatrics.
Mikuni – former member of the security team, now working in administration. Thus, he spends most of his days annoying anyone unlucky enough to catch his attention, preferably Jeje from radiology or Shuuhei from hygiene management, and seems to know everything about everyone. Sometimes Lily or Misono still call him to handle issues they’d rather not involve the actual security team in.
Jeje – radiologist who has not seen the sun in months. He chose his job specifically to avoid contact with others, but must frequently leave the dark, little room he likes to stay holed up in to help out with punctures and other interventions since no one else has hands as steady as his. He’s often visited by Mikuni from administration or Lily from paediatrics, who bring him vitamin d supplements.
Tsurugi – leader of the security team, infamous and mysterious to anyone who hasn’t witnessed him in line for lunch at the cafeteria yet. He only answers to one of the higher-ups among the administration team. Whether it’s a problem that security lies entirely in the hands of the administration is an ongoing discussion among the medical staff, but no one knows whether Tsurugi is aware of it.
Shuuhei – head of hygiene management, living off coffee from spill-proof reusable cups. He’s said to be pedantic, but that’s what makes him good at his job. Though it’s a thankless endeavour, he works tirelessly to make sure everyone knows when to use which disinfectant and how to properly put on rubber gloves. Only the resident microbiologist seems to take him completely seriously.
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how do you think in poems? i really enjoy the tags under your posts i've always wanted to write down my own thoughts that way bc in my head they feel so thorough and magical but whenever i put it in words i feel it just gets so much flatter and i no longer see a point and give up
oh oh oh, but lovely, can't you see that you've already started? it's a perspective that you hone, over time, something that is specific to you and you alone – that's the piece of it that makes it so special! you've already begun, and it only goes forward, up, sideways from here, wherever you wish to go!
think of it like a skill, for a moment, or a kind of muscle, if you'd prefer. you have to work at it, with it, over time and differing experiences, in order to progress.
(a quick important note: not progression as in the kind of quality-check of a grading scale, but progression as in evolution. shifting change. think of the leaves and their colors across the months of autumn, or temperatures rising with the sun and cooling with the evening dark. change isn't intrinsically a qualifying thing, it can just be, sometimes. this is difficult to remember, especially in the midst of frustration, but it is worth it. you are always doing better than you think you are – harshest critic, and all that.)
which is not to say that it's a simple thing to do! compare this to the vibe of me picking up crochet recently, with my shaking hands and too-quickly dwindling adhd focus – my first attempts at making a lil headphone sprout have not been going as well as i once hoped. my stitches are either too big and sloppy bc i'm not holding the yarn tightly enough to get clean ones, or i feel frustrated due to it not looking like how i'd like it to look in my mind when i started it, or even as i begin my umpteenth attempt.
but!! i know that it won't ever look the way i want it do if i set it down and never keep trying. it'll take awhile, like everything does, even the seasons take their time, the moon and its phases; but what i do know, is that, eventually, it'll resemble something i want it to. vaguely, maybe, but it is something. it doesn't have to look exactly like the guide i'm following, or the examples i'm inspired by, because it's mine – something made by my own hands, my own time and experience with every mistake and thrilling joy along the way to learn by.
take it from me: i want to be good at things i want to be good at so badly. and that excitement makes me want to be at the skill level i need to be at in order to do so right then and there, no learning curves or building blocks allowed. which is never how it happens, unfortunately, but –
i think, gently, that we tend to overlook what a pleasure it is to learn. to see the slow progression of things, to begin and change and continue and get better. and even if it's different as we go along, in a way it's our own little kind of magic, maybe, to create and never be done if we don't want to be.
which is all to say: it's already yours. why does it have to be anything else, anything more? why can't it just be good as it is now, where it might never be again? what is there to lose by enjoying the moment of where you are?
like everything, it will grow and shift and evolve with time, maybe into something you'd hoped for, or maybe into something you don't even have the words to describe right now at all. but that's the fun of it: how even now, even then, there, across time and distance and skill, there is a common thread of things; it will always come from your heart, your experience, where you are right then and there and now.
and if you think of that like magic, well, it becomes a little like magic, doesn't it?
also, something to consider: sometimes things you feel or think can't be put into words at that moment, or even at all! something else you could try (that i certainly do) is making something else with whatever it makes you feel - whether that's another form of art, or any other kind of media. if it makes you want to go outside and take a walk or get cozy and read or play a video game? that counts too! that's still an experience, you're still feeling.
i think that counts a little more than anything else, you know?
and as a little ending fun side-note, can i share something cool? i've never thought of it that way before, as thinking in poems. in my mind it's always been a kind of perspective of personal wonder, but you're right – it's poetry, in it's own way. you gave me that – so thank you, from the heart of me. i hope your journey finds you with every bright joy.
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