#not that i hated them all but i havent been close enough with anyone to call them friends

[jonny-b-meowborn]

Dude I miss the feeling of being in love. Like no one ever loved me back and I've never been in a relationship, so I can't miss that, and while I'd love to date someone, I just really miss the feeling of having a crush on someone

[angsthology]

Pay Attention to Things That Most People Ignore ☆ LS2

logan sargeant is most definitely not most people. it was time he started learning how

characters/pairings; daughter of poseidon!reader, chiron, mr. d, son of apollo!logan, theo (oc), son of athena!oscar.

warnings; monsters, typical pjo-type violence, logan is hopeless but that’s okay! some chb innacurracy sorry i havent read the books in a while, err very rushed writing im sorry, LAWD this is a mess i tell u 😭 perhaps i hate it — 3k words.

a/n; is the title... an all-american bitch lyric? yes. why? im not good and titles and i went to that song in instinct... for no reason. also this was based on a request — though i do admit its a little bit different as i would (hopefully) be making a part 2 hehe. by now im realizing how this title prob has nothin to do with the story

Over the years, she’s come to accept her life. Did it hurt when it felt like her entire life ended? Of course. Does it still hurt when she turns on the television to see them basically rubbing it on her face? —Whatever.

In theory, she probably could’ve gotten away with it had she not been a daughter of one of the big three—thanks a lot, dad. —but it was proven one too many times that it was not safe for her or any of the other kids. If it didn’t put anyone else’s life at risk, she would’ve disobeyed her mother, she really would (she was a child, she really hasn’t grasped the full concept of what other people would feel).

But, you know, oh well.

It’s sixteen years later and she still has that lingering grudge in the back of her head as the screen plays another Grand Prix — another Grand Prix she could’ve probably been a part of.

She tried, she really tried so hard to forget about it, to let go of it, but again, it was proven to be way too hard to let go of something she had an actual chance of, an actual good chance.

Though it might be hard to let go, she couldn’t really complain much about the life she actually had now.

Sure, it gets pretty lonely sometimes being a forbidden child, there weren’t exactly much of them (that are known and living at camp). But she had everyone else, despite practically being an only child at camp, to her everyone else there were her little siblings—of course, that probably has something to do with the fact that she was the oldest camper and the one who has been there longest.

When she heard a set of the all-too-familiar clops her heart dropped from its current fast-paced beating.

She quickly closed your laptop shut, cringing when you heard how loud of a sound it had made. That was it. She didn’t even try hiding her disappointment in herself. She slowly emerged from under the blanket with her lips tightly-wound shut, bracing herself with whatever the Centaur will have to say, her mind playing a quick telepathic farewell to her laptop.

“Hello, Y/N.”

She sighed, “Chiron.”

“Where and how?”

She swallowed the pre-existing nerves in her throat, “Mr. D.”

He hummed in response, so she continued.

“A pack of Heineken and two bottles of Jack Daniels.”

“Hm, good picks.” She responded lowly under her breath with a small ‘yeah’ as Chiron walked closer to the head of her bed near the bed-side table—his hooves making clopping noises each step.

The silence was taking too long to her liking so she just went to get it over with, “So, you’re gonna take it away from me?” she paused, then mumbling under her breath for herself, “—it’s probably another Red Bull win, anyway.”

Apparently, it was loud enough for the Centaur to hear, making him chuckle.

Surprisingly, he didn’t mention anything else about the laptop, “Who do you support?”

Hearing the question quickly made her look up from her fidgeting hands to see the smile on his face, she screwed her brows in confusion as she continues to look at Chiron for—something. Then, realizing that he was still waiting for an answer, she shook her head.

“Uhm—well, uh—”

“You think that Lando will ever get a win?”

That seemed to loosen her up, “Ugh, Gods, I hope. I’m getting exhausted over here—you know, sometimes I really wish I could ask the Oracle about it.”

He chuckled then which made her crack a smile.

When it died down, Chiron looked at her smiling face. He couldn’t help but frown a little, he knew how she felt about racing, he knew how she still feels about it.

“Y/N.”

She looks up at him, “Yeah?”

“So, I am aware that your birthday is nearing…”

“I mean… why wouldn’t you be? I’m here all-year-round.”

Chiron cleared his throat at her interruption, giving her a look.

“Sorry.”

He acknowledged and continued, “I am also aware that it lines up with a certain event…”

She raised an eyebrow it that, almost guessing what that said ‘event’ was.

“So,” he stopped, initially had her thinking he was just pausing but when he left out the door of her cabin she raised her hands as if saying ‘what gives?’

Seconds passed and it seemed like Chiron wasn’t going to come back any time soon so instead she stumbled off of her bed to quickly catch up to the Centaur that was headed to a building—the girl almost caught up to him, almost following him into the building but he was already back out in a good few seconds, stopping her right in front of the set of stairs, raising both her hands in question once more, “You just left. ‘So’, what?”

“I have it arranged that you will be attending the Miami Grand Prix.” He smiled as he handed her a lanyard.

She swore her eyes looked like it could’ve popped out of their sockets in a matter of seconds. She couldn’t believe what she was holding; a paddock pass. She couldn’t believe Chiron had done this for her considering how careful of a man (well, half-man) he is especially with her being a forbidden child. This was about to turn into the best birthday yet.

When she looked up to the smiling Chiron, her mouth still hung open in shock but her arms immediately wrapped around the man’s body in a bone-crushing hug.

She didn’t know how many ‘thank you’s that spilled out of her mouth but next thing she knew he was hugging her back with a chuckle escaping his lips.

After a few more ‘thank you’s from her, she pulled away smiling at him, “I thought you’d rather keep me here forever, why now?”

He cleared his throat, “Well, you are turning twenty-one, not many of you reach that kind of age—don’t tell them I said that—so I’d like to make it a bit more special.”

Still smiling, she looked at the paddock pass in her hand again, “You don’t know how much I appreciate this, Chi. Thank you, again.”

Being there felt… odd… unnatural.

She always thought if she were ever walking through the paddocks she would be walking as a driver.

What was even more odd was she felt her senses tingling, like she was being watched.

It was a bustling crowded place with many more interesting people compared to her, so it was weird to her that she felt like she was being watched of all people.

But alas, she brushed it off. It didn’t feel like anything bad—if it were, she would know—so she’s just going to have to save that thought for later.

She had to remind herself why she’s here; daydream in real-time of what could’ve been.

Yeah, she weren’t really keen on letting that go.

That is, until she was into her head she failed to notice the person—and group of people that came with said person—she was running into.

Before she knew it, a strong arm was holding her back with too much force for her liking, the action itself almost kicking in her self defense instinct until the person she did bump into pushed the hand away.

He was now talking to her, she assumed, but she was too focused on the person who had pushed her away.

Something about him felt… off. He was what she would count as freakishly huge for a normal human being, her eyes couldn’t help but recalculate the large man over and over until eventually the person that has been trying to get her attention snaps her out of it.

“Sorry, that’s Theo, he’s like that. I swear he doesn’t mean any harm.”

The scowl she hadn’t realized that made it’s way to her face slowly dropped as she slowly move her gaze to the person that was talking to her.

When their eyes met, she swore she saw a flash of something pass by his expression.

“Yeah,” she finally let go of this ‘Theo’ person and found her words, “Sorry I bumped into you.”

“That’s fine.” There was a brief silence across them until he cleared his throat, “I’m Logan, by the way.”

“Yeah, I know. You drive for Williams.” She replied flatly.

He cleared his throat again, scanning her for the shortest moment, “Do I know you?”

She looked to his eyes again with a small squint. “Most likely not. Good luck, bye.”

Before he could say anything else she was already speed-walking away. And for some odd reason, Logan found himself watching her walk away before getting pulled away himself just in the same time as the girl turned around to give a watchful eye.

It was getting annoying. This was supposed to be a weekend to enjoy but she could not help but feel that uneasiness creeping up on her. Over the years she had somewhat mastered the ability—well more the ability mastering her—of sensing bad things, whether that was events or creatures alike.

So, to simply put that together, that’s how she found herself sneaking around the Williams garage. Not hospitality, garage.

From years of quests here and there, many hours of weapons training, and not to mention capture the flag schemings with other campers, she had mastered the skill of being sneaky. It really did work well in her favor.

What she didn’t expect was to be completely entranced the moment she got into the busy garage; it was the first time she was seeing a real life-size F1 car in real-time.

Everything was so enchanting to her, it felt like she was reliving her childhood dreams all over again. When she had gone through with her plan, she didn’t really register the fact that she was going to go face to face with an actual working Formula One garage.

She really tried to stay focused on the task at hand but it really was in her blood to be unfocused.

“Hey!”

Somehow, just somehow, she had heard his voice over the loud noises around her and just somehow, she knew he was addressing her.

Immediately, she tried to hide or duck behind something—anything just so she didn’t have to face him.

Before she knew it a hand was gripping her upper arm and pulling her somewhere quieter and she was met with green eyes that looked at her with suspicion.

“Are you like a fan or something?”

She was taken aback by his words.

“…what?”

“Are you following me?”

“What—no. I mean not you specifically—why did I say that.” she whispered the last part to herself. If she was being honest, she hasn’t really been brushing up her skills in socializing with anyone else that weren’t the campers.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing! I—”

Their conversation—if you could’ve called it that anyway—was interrupted by the same man she had been suspecting from earlier.

“There you are.” It was the first time she was hearing his voice and just by that she already knew that they were going to be in big trouble. His voice was low and unnerving, saying the words as if he’s been searching for them not for worried purposes rather unfortunate ones.

Logan didn’t seem to have the same feeling as her as he looked more relieved among other things to see the man. “Theo!” he greeted while throwing his hands in the air, “What’s up, man?”

Fortunately for Logan, Theo wasn’t exactly paying attention to him instead looking at the girl in front of him instead.

When he noticed he tried to interfere, “Oh, no, don’t worry about her, she’s not harmful.” He then realized he didn’t exactly know this girl so he looked at her with questioning eyes, “You aren’t, right?”

Except her focus didn’t waver from the big man that looked at her with a stare that tried to kill.

Logan, still clueless, looked between the two back and forth in confusion until Theo said something that really caught his attention.

“Daughter of Poseidon.” Theo growled.

Logan’s head couldn’t snap towards her faster.

“Shit.” She mumbled under her breath.

Before they knew it, she had grabbed a hold of his hand and running away with it, Logan still very much in shock at this new information he attained.

Through empty places and crowded ones, the girl forgot that the man she had ahold of weren’t just anyone but a very real and hard-to-miss Formula One driver. Sure, he was a rookie but a driver nonetheless.

But she couldn’t care less about the attention she was gaining; she was far too busy running for her life than think about cameras and the public.

“What the hell was he talking about? Poseidon?!” she didn’t answer his panicked question so he continued instead, “Are you a half-blood too?”

The ‘too’ in his question was what finally caught her attention but still, she didn’t answer him, only cursing herself for not noticing one when she saw one.

Just when she thought they had lost them, the monster once disguised as Theo was standing there at the end of the opening, she and Logan had slipped in.

Next thing she knew she was fumbling around trying to fight off the apparent Giant that was Theo.

“What the hell are you doing there, mind a little help over here?” she yelled over at Logan who was pretty much… useless in the corner.

He continued to panic, looking for anything he could use to get the Giant off of her.

Suddenly, while she was struggling to get the Giant’s grip off of her, the force stopped as a cloud of mist poofed where the monster was once before. She quickly scrambled herself up and was met with a figure in McLaren clothing holding a gold-dust colored weapon pointing at her.

“Oscar Piastri?!”

He didn’t answer her, dagger still pointing at her direction, “Who are you?”

Putting her hands out in defense she explained herself, “I respect that.” she commented, “I’m Y/N L/N, I am the daughter of Poseidon,” then she cautiously pointed at the Australian, “I’m assuming you’re a half-blood too.” she nodded at him, “Who do you belong to?”

Oscar then slowly lowered his weapon, his trust building by the minute, “Athena.”

Then both of them turn to Logan simultaneously.

“No!” he got defensive immediately, “I want to know what just happened!” he pointed accusingly.

All of a sudden, it just finally hit Oscar, “Poseidon?!”

The sea god’s daughter made a face and ignored the Australian, “What do you mean what just happened? Typical demigod stuff!”

The look on his face made her double-take, “You… do have occasional encounters with monsters here and there… right?”

When Logan’s expression doesn’t change, she turns to Oscar.

“I have this for a reason.” He said slowly, showing her the dagger. “—and, well, if I’m being honest, that has never happened before.”

“Shit.” she shakes her head in disappointment then pulling out her phone, “I need to make a phone call.”

She left the two men by themselves and went ahead as the line rings a couple of times before getting an answer.

After a brief conversation—that will continue later for details—the girl locked her phone and walked towards the two drivers.

“You’re coming with me this summer. It will not be up for debate and don’t worry about your… duties, I have it covered.”

Logan was quick to stop her explanations, “Wait—what—no! At least explain what the hell that phone call was about. You can’t just drop all that on us and expect us to be okay with it.

She rolls her eyes, “I’ll explain later, right now, you two have a job to do.” They didn’t object to that, the three of them walking out the pretty-hidden space the Giant had decided to corner them before.

Oscar stopped just outside, “I can take care of myself if anything else decide to come out and attack me, you should probably go with him. And uh, I actually need to talk to you,” he pointed at her, “—later. Not exactly letting you off the hook that easily.”

She didn’t complain.

The two walked in silence, every once in a while getting stopped for a picture and such, until Logan speaks up.

“Apollo.”

She turned to him, eyebrow raised.

“My dad.”

“Oh.” She paused then comments, “Fitting.”

He didn’t know what it was in her voice, it didn’t sound exactly like a compliment but he wasn’t sure if it was an insult.

Whatever, he shrugged it off.

After that, they both went into their own train of thoughts.

Without noticing, they both sucked in a breath in unison.

“I’m sorry for—”

“I think you should—”

The two quickly stepped back from whatever it was they were going to say, heat rushing up their necks. They kept walking on the awkward silence that fell upon them until Logan re-focused his attention and remembering what she had said—well, what she almost said earlier.

“Wait—‘sorry’? What were you apologizing for?” he turned to her who was now ducking away from his eyes, her own focus stayed on her fidgeting hands.

She made a noise before finally finding her words, “It’s just—this always happens, you know. I’m a forbidden kid, I attract the worst kind of trouble there is for half-bloods. And earlier; I had brought it to you and Oscar.” he was going to say something to ease her guilt but she beat him to it, “I’m just glad that monster didn’t hurt any of you.” She threw her hands in the air, “I mean, it’s qualifying day for Gods sake! —maybe I shouldn’t go to the race tomorrow.” She mumbled the last part to herself, though not quietly enough that the driver didn’t hear.

Logan was taken aback by her statement, giving him an opening on his almost-offer.

“What—no! Why not?” he asked.

“Look, it’s bad enough that there’s two demigods in one place; adding a forbidden kid in the mix won’t really make it any better. I still want everyone to have a safe race. Who knows what kind of other monsters I could attract.”

From every point of view Logan could gather, it was simply a fact that this girl knows about their world far more than he did, far more than Oscar did, so he couldn’t really be the voice of judgement in whatever she had to say. But… he wanted her to stay.

It calmed him down for some reason, knowing someone shares the same—if not, worse—fate as you.

So, he tried to find a reason, a good reason to make her stay. Of course, he wasn’t a pro at this half-blood thing so he offered something that he was familiar with. He gave her a more… human reason.

“I think you should stay.” He blurted.

“Logan—”

“Dude—is it alright if I called you that?”

“Uh, go nuts.”

“You deserve to have some fun, watch a race! I’ll even have you as an official Williams guest!”

She hummed with a smile creeping up.

“And if you’re worried about trouble, that’s fine. We can always handle trouble! We are all trouble-bound any way, better face them now than later! Plus, I think it’d be good if you could teach us the basics early.”

She felt the warmth spread through her chest. It’s been a while since she felt someone so welcoming that wasn’t anyone within Camp Half-blood. It was nice. He was nice. Almost made her forget that she was in the place she was meant to be in.

Her heart felt wholesome, but didn’t make it show, her mouth couldn’t stop the comment from escaping her mouth instead.

“You really want me to stay, huh?”

[sageryuri]

BETWEEN HIS FINGERS, JAKE SIM.

pairing jake sim + fem!reader.

genre i’m not really sure what to class this as, they’re just friends who can’t seem to talk about their feelings.

summary jake always knows you'll find him, and you know he can always make you feel better.

word count 0.9k

warnings alcohol usage, marijuana usage,

an sorry for those waiting for the sunghoon fic, i’m so busy atm and havent had time to attend to it :(

There's nothing you hate more than house parties.

People are bumping into you from every corner; their hot, drunk breaths on your neck bother you more and more with every second. It was barely twelve yet, and people were already out of their minds, you couldn't tell who were incredibly drunk or had taken pills because they all seemed to act exactly the same.

You look around trying to find your friends, but it appears they have been dragged into the chaos as they break out moves in the centre of the living room. You've already lost them in the storm, there's no turning back now.

Drinking wasn't the go-to, not for you. With a lack of control once you start drinking, it always leads to bad decisions and tears. Instead, you stuck with the delicacy of dried leaves crumbled into a thin paper- or a bong.

It was never your friends taste, so it was rare you ever had any at parties, considering strangers would be begging you for it. You just had to keep an eye out for one person in particular.

You're sure he's locked himself in someone's bedroom, making himself comfortable with the open window with a well-rolled joint resting between his fingers. That's if he had even turned up, feeling similarly about these parties to you, only being there to babysit.

"Hey, Leah! I'm gonna go and find Jake, you all going to be okay by yourselves?" You shouted across the room, waving your arms wildly for your friend to see. Leah sees you, albeit with a headache-inducing blur, she grins widely and offers a thumbs up while bopping her head to the music.

That's enough for you to wander off on your own adventure to find your trusted companion who's sitting on a goldmine of desired goods.

You watch your step while you walk up the stairs, avoiding the light-weights that are loitering so they don't trip over their own feet. There's a deep red stain on the top step which makes you wince knowing this is in fact Mark's parents house, and he's going to get more than a slap over the head when they come back home in the next week.

There's multiple doors, as you would assume there would be in such a house. So many doors, yet none seemed to stick out to you, apart from the one that had been slammed shut by a couple as soon as you took your last step.

A sign that writes 'Mark's room' with 'DO NOT ENTER' plastered underneath seems plausible and you find yourself laughing at the superhero stickers spread across it. To be polite, you knock four times and await the sound of Australian twang behind the door.

"I've been waiting for you!" He shouts, and you take that as an invitation, opening the door and shutting it just as quickly. As expected, Jake has perched himself on the window ledge, smoke falling from his lips.

He has always been so hypnotic. You'd never admit it to him no matter how close the two of you were, no matter how many times he would say you could tell him anything, but you could stare at him for hours and hours.

There was an unusual time where the two of you were so high you could barely move, having to lay next to each other in silence. At one moment, you had only examined each other, and your finger began to trace every detail of his face. After that, neither of you really decided to speak about it, leaving things how they had always been.

Confusing, frustrating- yet blissful.

"I was hoping you would be around here somewhere. I wish I'd come up here earlier, it's a complete mess down there." You sigh, sitting down on Mark's bed and closing your eyes. The music is not so loud, and you can hardly hear anyone outside the door, just the quieter whispers in the back garden.

"That's why I've been up here, knew you were gonna come up here eventually." He stands up, makes his way over to you and passes you the joint; which you happily take, "You look really pretty, by the way. Never seen you in that dress before, I like it."

The dress had been forced upon you by Leah, who insisted it would fit you perfectly. You weren't really opposed to it, but sometimes the lingering eyes, both lusting and judging, were too much. It was tight around your waist, where it then flowed down to your mid thighs, a deep red colour.

"It's not mine, but I like it too. Thank you." You smile at him, taking a drag from the roll. Feeling calmer, your head falls onto Jake's shoulder and his arm sneaks around your waist to hold you up comfortably, "Do you think Mark will be angry we're smoking in his room?"

"Nah. He's got bigger things to deal with than a little marijuana in his bedroom. You see that red stain on the carpet?" He responds and you can't help but laugh after seeing it on the stairs those few minutes ago before you walked in, "It's huge. There's no way that's coming out- they're gonna make him buy a whole new carpet."

"He can afford it, he'll be fine. One hell of a stain though, I'm horrified for him." You murmur, you find yourself snuggling against him a little worse and slip the joint back into his hands. His face isn't visible to you, but you can imagine the sweet smile he always had spread across his face.

A comforting silence falls over both of you and his free hand soothingly rubs your waist. The unknowingness of your true feelings of each other leaves a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach, but you try to enjoy the moment as you can.

[mimikoolover]

https://www.tumblr.com/mimikoolover/758285045353136128/i-havent-seen-any-hate-or-negative-comments

Hard agree on all this🙏

If anything, i expected more “awkwardness” than we got, and not because they aren’t comfortable with each other but because of the filming. It’s a weird experience to be on camera like that. Sure they’re used to it but at that point it had been a long time since they filmed something like that, and they never did it just the two of them before. Plus them both being kinda sick, it wasn’t ideal.

Despite that though I think it was super clear how close they are and they’re really giving old married couple who know everything about each other and are used to dealing with each other’s quirks and habits, mixed with goofy best friends. Which honestly, if they are in fact a couple and have been for a long time, that dynamic makes a lot more sense than them being all lovey dovey or whatever some expect. Not that I would expect them to show anything overly romantic in a show anyway because duh, but most couples who have been together for years are a lot like them. Obviously their situation is quite unique, and I’m not even saying I believe they’re comparable to any conventional relationships, but still.

Also, as an Audhd’er it often saddens me to see people misunderstand Jungkook. I can’t diagnose him with anything ofc, but his brain seems to work similar to mine in a lot of ways. And Jimin seems to understand how he functions. Of course he’s gonna still be annoyed with him sometimes, that’s human, and they clearly have a dynamic where they’re very okay with joke roasting each other and teasing and just laugh it off. But at their core it’s super clear that they have a deep understanding of each other and accept each other the way they are. It’s beautiful to see. People being offended for Jimin because of how Jungkook expresses himself or how he appears in certain situations always rubbed me the wrong way. @ those people: Jimin gets him and loves him, you don’t, shut up.

And the other way around, well anyone hating on Jimin for anything in that show or any other time he’s around Jungkook can choke. Nothing they ever said about him makes sense. So I won’t even get into it lol

It’s funny how jimin saying he had to push for the show to happen or it wouldn’t could be taken so differently than how I see it. To me it’s the same as when Jimin said Jungkook wouldn’t have travelled around if he didn’t come, or when hobi and namjoon said Jungkook doesn’t like going places but Jimin always drags him along, in BV. Seems like Jimin knows some things that are easy for him might be more difficult for Jungkook. And he doesn’t seem to mind taking the leading role when it comes to these things. It seems to work out perfectly for them. If Jungkook is anything like me, he’d just be happy these types of bigger plans are being set up without him having to take charge himself. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love spending time with Jimin lol those are two very different things.

oh I completely agree with you on everything.

I feel it's funny for people to say that jikook were awkward when you have them sit on a sofa holding hands right at the start. I'm lowkey convinced the awkwardness was cause jungkook had to reel himself back a bit for the cameras. he should share whatever he's comfortable sharing with us and people have no right to demand more. idk if people expect him to for example say how much he missed jimin and how sad he was without him etc. this could be what he tells jimin in private. he doesn't have to tell us this cause it's none of our business frankly.

jikook totally understand each other and are in tune with each other's emotions and you can tell when for example jungkook was upset after kayaking, jimin was speaking to him in a way that helped him get over it and not only that but jungkook was receptive to that which is lovely to see. atp they know each other well enough and how they treat each other is for the other's sake not to make fans happy or show fans what they want to see.

I also think if we think back to their Japan trip in 2017 that was organised by jungkook so it's not like he doesn't want to travel with jimin or anything like that. but going to the company and getting the travel show rolling is a lot different to that and jimin was happy to take it upon himself to start the process of the show so I don't see what anyone's issue can be. jungkook probably appreciated that loads and he was so enthusiastic about it, I think that will be even clearer in future interviews they did where they talk about where to go but even him saying they should do this until they're 50 shows it's not a chore to him and that he really enjoys it.

[sodamors]

to be demon

DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT.

read at your own risk. it is bad.

this fic is in the povs of Karaku and Aizetsu, being reunited after years of separation.

> recollecting them took a while. maybe I’ll write about it in the future.

> recollecting them took a while. maybe I’ll write about it in the future.

> I recommend skimming through that post before you read this one, since it provides a little more context. And angst.

his muscles ache with weariness; the day before had been full of struggle. unfamiliar figures grabbing him from everywhere, a sharp pain on his neck and chest, an overwhelming sensation of lethargy. karaku vaguely recalled getting his bounds removed, and scolds himself for having not attempted to escape. and now he is shackled once more, albeit with stronger, more reinforced chains.

his muscles ache with weariness; the day before had been full of struggle. unfamiliar figures grabbing him from everywhere, a sharp pain on his neck and chest, an overwhelming sensation of lethargy. karaku vaguely recalled getting his bounds removed, and scolds himself for having not attempted to escape. and now he is shackled once more, albeit with stronger, more reinforced chains.

the door slides open. even if he wanted to, he couldn’t bolt out and escape. his entire body felt so heavy — what had they put in him? this was maybe the worst sedative he’s been dosed with yet.

a figure steps into the room, but their voice is only muffled to his ears. he couldn’t even try listening. hazily, his eyes threatening to close, he looks up at them. they have gloves on, reeking of the same antiseptic causing him a headache. as they touch him, he flinches, their cold fingers biting his skin. they speak again, but he doesn’t catch anything.

soon enough, they turn away, only to return with a new item in hand. it’s the same colour as his bounds, a circular shape.

they click it around his neck.

oh. his heart sinks. he knows what it is, and he hates it. the collar buzzes quietly against his skin, not having been activated, but threatening to. karaku can’t help but let out a whimper.

soon enough, the figure leaves the room, the door shutting with a click. he lays there, cold and alone, for what seems like an eternally. the air conditioning blows icy air onto his bare skin, biting him, making him shiver. huddling against the lifeless metal wall does nothing to warm him. his chains restrict his movement, and every time he tries to get a better position, his collar hums, reminding him to behave.

but i am behaving. right? i havent disobeyed anyone. karaku drowsily thinks to himself, as he sticks closer to the corner of the room. his stomach grumbles, but he ignores it. he always does.

aizetsu whines as another needle pierces his neck, never getting used to the stinging sensation. he tries to writhe, but the straps bind him tightly to the table, holding his limbs in place. a cold metal disk presses against the skin over his heart, his heartbeat resonating in beeps from a nearby monitor. his breaths are short and panicked, eyes darting everywhere, pleading with all the onlooking scientists.

but as usual, they don’t care. one steps forward to inject an all-too-familiar purple substance into him, the needle pricking the soft flesh of his chest. aizetsu hisses, tears starting to form, as the same burning feeling grows from the needle.

what even was the point of repeatedly injecting him with wisteria? they already know its effects. it burns his insides, makes him scream and squirm, body shivering and trembling from the horrible feeling of getting melted from the inside to out. his back arches off the table as he tries, even if absolutely impossible, to shake the white-hot sensations ripping through his being. aizetsu screams and cries, tears streaming down his face, unintelligible sounds resonating from his throat.

he sounds so weak. from the esteemed rank of upper moon four, he’s been reduced to near nothing, by horrid humans and their blasted plant. aizetsu gasps for air even if he wishes dearly to just suffocated, die, and for this all to just end.

as usual, the pain lasts days. his intestines rip and tear, flaring wisteria rupturing his tired body. scientists come in and out the room to take their notes, nodding away as if he wasn’t wailing for them to spare him. as if he was a document of some sort, and his agony was of no existence.

and when it does stop, he’s left gasping, heaving for air, cheeks damp, throat raw. they’ll put the shock collar back on him, and toss him back to his cell, where he belongs. the cold ground greets his sensitive skin with a bite.

a piece of meat is tossed before him. he must eat it, or risk electrocution. the scientists make him regenerate fully before they use him again — it’s an endless cycle, and he can do nothing about it.

as he slowly chews on the thick, tasteless meat, he catches a scent.

it’s terribly familiar.

that’s strange.

slowly, he looks over to where he smells it from. The medical white corridor, outside the bars of his cell, looks back at him. there’s nothing to look at — only other cells, which he’s been shown are empty. he’s in one of the more reinforced holding areas, because of his demon rank. even if it clearly meant nothing anymore.

the scent still remains. a rusty, familiar tinge to a whiff of matcha leaves. he has smelled this before, because his head says it’s a sign of solidarity. solidarity for what? no idea. but it’s something.

aizetsu continues chewing on his rubbery food, looking down dejectedly. maybe this was another of the more psychological experiments the scientists had planned.

those were always the worst. they’d make him watch some weird animation, and suddenly he was seeing nothing but live eyeballs in the corner of his eyes. they’ll play a strange noise, and soon enough, whenever he heard it again, he’ll instantly vomit. the worst part about them was he never knew what was going to happen. at least the wisteria injections had a routine.

the smell is too vivid. aizetsu stops eating completely, head more raised, body on alert. why is it getting stronger? why does he care, anyway?

out of a rare instance of curiosity, he brings himself closer to the bars as much as his chains allow. straining his arms and raising his neck, he looks over at the cell across his.

someone does lay there, and they stare back at him.

the voice is hoarse. “zetsu?”

“k-karaku?” oh my god. oh my goodness, oh my. oh my god. aizetsu brings himself further, pulling against his restraints. he wants to shout so bad. karaku, are you alright? karaku! But if his voice were to go any higher, his collar would spare him no mercy.

“hey, ‘su,” karaku says groggily, eyes half open, but desperate. his poor blue baby brother, stuck so close yet so far, shivering and cold. it’s been far too long. he had so much to say — so many apologies, wishes, screams and cries. so badly did he want to just rip away from his shackles, run over and embrace the other, apologising as much as he could. promising protection and care.

but his body refuses to move. the sedative is too strong. Karaku curses himself for being so useless.

“karaku, don’t shout or move too much,” aizetsu whispers a warning. he caught the familiar shade of black latched to karaku’s neck, and feared for the worst. “it activates with loudness, and a high heart rate. okay?”

“okay,” karaku replies slurred. “thank you.”

“please don’t thank me,” aizetsu feels tears threatening his eyes again. “don’t. i really don’t deserve it. I’m so sorry.”

“no,” karaku does his best to shift closer, seeing how much aizetsu was straining, despite how heavy his body feels. “don’t… apologise. ‘s not your fault. been too long. miss you.”

“I… i miss you. I miss you too.” and so the tears fall, and he cannot wipe them away. the corridor is soon filled with aizetsu’s strained sniffs, and karaku’s soft coos, doing his best to assure the other everything would be alright. even if it hasn’t been, for 17 years.

[easy-revenge]

we need more on the easy revenge and how himeno plays a role in aki’s development please i love her <3 give me the meta i love u thank u

the way y'all are enabling me to be insufferable on main? i love it. its me and my problematic fave against the world. buckle up.

honestly i cant believe i havent talked about easy revenge on here? its my favorite part from himeno's arc and one of my favs for aki as well. so... essay incoming.

gonna start a bit from further back and make some himeno haters mad right off the bat. himeno, in my humble (and correct) opinion, was the person who knew aki better than anyone else. and it has very little to do with how long they knew each other.

himeno knew. she knew that aki wouldn't make it. she knew since before we, as an audience, started observing this story. she knew the harsh but very realistic truth was that aki ultimately was just some guy, and i say that with the unimaginable love i have for him.

he was never special enough. he was never talented enough, strong enough and against popular belief, never driven enough either to kill the gun devil. he gave away his lifespan, he put his life on the line for others every day. he offered to use his sword to save denji, whom he allegedly despised at the time. that's not the behavior of someone who lives for a singular, selfish purpose.

himeno saw him and knew. she knew that if aki was to stand against the gun devil with a sword in hand, he wouldn't make it out alive. she saw him and knew that there were other things he wanted as well.

she was also selfish about it. she wanted him alive and close to her. she wanted them to leave public safety together. she wanted to cup her hands around the dancing little flame that was his shriveling life span and protect it with her life. but selfishness aside, she knew that ultimately it would be the best case scenario for aki as well.

she was proven right. multiple times. after her death. aki admitted to not looking at himself objectively shortly after he lost her, bc he wouldn't have been able to go on otherwise. aki had always been trapped. he'd been set up to fail by the narrative and by makima all along. and even though that was something himeno couldn't know, she was proven correct again when aki died before even getting to look at the gun devil and have a chance to go down fighting.

himeno never told aki that she didn't believe in him. it wasn't something he'd ever be ready to hear, especially while she was still alive. aki wouldn't be able to live without a goal to strive for. he'd clutched at that pipe dream and held on for dear life for too long, gave up too much on his way there. he didn't know how to exist without a finish line to run towards.

but himeno saw him stick gum to a woman's coat for her. she saw him being happy about it. she saw him taking care of power and denji, even though he was aki hayakawa, the devil hunter who hated devils the most. she saw him stare longingly at makima. she felt his breath against her own face as they shared cigarettes.

it rly isnt that hard to see, if u care enough to look. and himeno cared more than enough. aki thought he wanted revenge. it takes a lot of hate in a man's soul to dedicate his life to that. aki was kind. aki cried for his co-workers' deaths. aki wanted to be the big brother he never got to be. he wanted the family he lost. he wanted to save people from things similar to what he went through.

aki deserved to lead a life where his kindness wouldn't put him at a disadvantage.

and that's what himeno wanted for him. even if it wasn't a life he would live by her side, she wanted him to be fulfilled. with her dying breath, she herself left him with a wish he could make come true.

later she'd leave him with a wish he'd at least try to.

easy revenge. small victories. moments of fulfillment. she probably put that cigarette upside down in the packet she died with, for good luck. it's such an honest wish. such a caring one. maybe something himeno would've lived by too if she didn't find her brief fulfilment in addiction.

it seems utterly pointless now. bc aki did die in the hands of the gun devil. he didn't get to protect denji and power. he didn't get to protect angel either. he failed in every way a man can fail bc he didn't escape the narrative. would never have been able to.

personally though, i dont think he would've gotten as close as he did to taking something back if it wasn't for that cigarette. if it wasn't for the remnants of himeno, the mere essence of her having the power to give it to him before dying alongside ghost.

bc he did get a family. he got to be an older brother again. he gave two months he couldn't really spare to save a devil. took the same devil out to eat with him.

he ASKED to leave the gun devil mission to protect his family. to not lose anyone else the way he lost himeno. to not see another loved one of his go in the little time he had left.

he did everything in his power to honor both of himeno's dying wishes. he cried for her when she died and got his easy revenge. at least as much of it as he could.

to me, himeno was vital to aki's development and storyline, both alive and in death. aki deserved a person to know him. to see him. and himeno wasn't perfect, but she was that for him, even if it took him a bit too long to fully realize.

[s-sunnydays]

things left unsaid in artist’s depiction

i dont know if anyone checks this blog since i havent posted, but i guess i could share the things i never got to share since i discontinued artist’s depiction!

also, warning: there are trigger warnings!

iris was the one who reloaded the SAVE file and had gone insane since the mc had died in the fire. she was the one who also caused the accident, but she didn’t mean to; it was supposed to keep the mc from leaving since the machine was really close to being fixed and such.

faye had died at around six to nine years old because she’d gotten too sick and the mc couldn’t afford to enough money to keep her alive or to buy her any sort of medicine.

victor and sierra did run away because they were chased by debtors and all of that since they always messed with the wrong people in their lives. though, they don’t care about that as much, they didn’t want the others to get involved. i didn’t think much about how they died, but i would say that they ended up dying far away and no one knew since the mc couldn’t contact them – lost all contact with them.

sans never liked iris and iris never liked sans, they both just liked the idea of being in a relationship. and, sans gradually learns that iris liked mc the most – the best. even if she treated them horribly

there weren’t any sort of coherent thoughts about how the ending would go, but i assumed that there would be a polyamorous relationship with the mc and the skelebros aus where they could visit the original timeline any time they wanted since the machine and the tear was fixed.

iris’ feelings were never reciprocated

iris was mc’s childhood friend, and learned everything from them – how their life worked, how they had three siblings (never knew about oliver).

the mother ended up dying without oliver knowing – she died from overdosing on medication.

oliver vaguely remembers faye, but doesn’t know about the rest of the siblings. mc never told him until later, where he finds a picture of the other three – he asks why he looks related to victor and sierra and why faye looks so similar to the mc

the mc’s past is eventually revealed by iris or someone else, but other than that, it was basically mutual agreement to tell

the reason why oliver was taken away in the first timeskip was because the mistreatment that the mc had received ended up putting them past their breaking point. and then they started acting like a terrible brother, so they had to let him go – they had to take him to some other place; somewhere where he would be safe.

i have the next chapter, though it is unfinished.

WORK IS TIRING.

You suppose that since Iris pays you to work for her, you’ve been going to your job a lot less — within schedule, at least. Not many days are assigned to you.

“Hey, [Name],” Iris coos from her spot in front of you, sitting at the counter. “Do you wanna go shopping with me and the boys? I’m sure you’ll need something there. It’d the mall, after all! Who wouldn’t want to, like, you know — go shopping with me? I’ll pay for whatever you want.” She sings like a witch—or a siren, depending on the person—and you make a face inwardly.

At first, you would’ve said no. Just a simple no and everything would’ve been fine.

You suppose that no is also not in your vocabulary most of the time.

”…Let me ask my brother,” you mutter in response, pulling out your phone begrudgingly. You send him a message, waiting for his response.

If he says yes, you can only hope that the others don’t start causing problems with him around. You don’t mind the hate, the stares, the faces — just as long he can’t see them; hear them; you’re okay with it. As long as he can’t witness it, it’s fine. That’s all that mattered to you.

——

“Okay~”

Iris looks excited for some reason, but you don’t question it entirely.

You stare at the group of skeletons with a squint of your eyes, wondering where more came from. You should’ve known that the trip to the mall was basically restocking for the rest of the alternates stuck here — though you’re not sure if any of them really need anything. They seem to be more well off than you.

“Malls’re so big!” Your brother whispers to you, stunned by the size of the shopping mall you’re in. You have to agree. “What kind’a stores do they have in here?”

You have to agree with him.

To say that malls are huge is an understatement, you think they’re bigger than most mansions you’ve seen. Then again, you probably just don’t know what malls are like because your mother always told you that they were too expensive and a scam. You always did like sticking to every word she said to you, but that’s in the past. You could care less nowadays.

”I dunno,” you answer honestly. Your eyes scan your surroundings, squinting them when you realize just how large the building is. “Never gone to ‘em either, bro.”

“You haven’t taken your brother to the mall before?” Iris asks loudly, eyes wide with surprise. She glances between you and your brother curiously, obviously shocked — but you don’t even know how she heard you two whispering. It’s not like the others care enough to try and overhear, so why was she trying to be nosy?

Some of the skeletons turn to you, some glance at you, and the rest ignores you (out of pity, you don’t know).

”No,” your brother answers, confused. “We only go to the small ones ‘cause [Name] doesn’t like big stores.”

Well now.

Iris turns to you, frowning at you — you have to say, you don’t know why she’s looking at you like that because it’s not her business — and tells you, “You haven’t taken sweet little Oliver to a mall, [Name]? Shame on you! Malls are great, they have everything you’d need!”

You don’t know how to tell her off without calling her a spoiled brat.

”He already said why I don’t take him to big stores,” you point out, somewhat embarrassed that she had to call you out in front of everyone. “And, uh, malls are expensive… and, y’know, big — he’d get lost.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust your—“

You give her a look of irritation, and for once, the skeletons with you don’t seem too upset about it. Probably because they understand your situation or probably just—the conversation isn’t necessary.

“Are we done?” You don’t care if you interrupt her or get on Sans’ nerves because of it. “If we’re done, I can take Oliver shopping then. See you later, just call me when y—“

And Iris just loves thinking it’s her turn for everything. “We can hang out like old times! You know, when we were in high school together and stuff. Plus,” she shoots you a wink, “we have a lot to catch up on — we haven’t been, like, talking to each other at all! Come on, Sans, let’s go.” You don’t say anything when you see the flickering of his pinpricks or the not-so-subtle glances to your brother from the girl.

You stare at her, narrowing your eyes.

”It can’t be that bad,” your brother tries to soothe your vexation. “‘S okay! Maybe Red ‘n Edge can come with!”

Iris’ face twitches.

Sans’ smile falters. “since when were you buddies with ‘em, kid?”

Red grins widely, almost as if taunting the poor guy. “what’s wrong with bein’ friends wit’ a guy like me? i can come with, i got nothin’ to do anyways… maybe the, uh, boss can come with if he oh so wishes.”

“CAN IT, S—RED,” Edge catches himself and corrects himself. He ignores the looks given and clears his throat. “I SHALL GIFT THE HUMANS WITH MY PRESENCE, SINCE THEY ARE SO DESPERATE TO HANG OUT WITH ME. AND, I AM CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT SORT OF… STORES ARE IN THIS SPECIFIC MALL!”

Your brother shoots you a smile.

You squint your eyes.

Rus puts a hand on your shoulder and nudges Mutt. “‘ey, maybe we can finally get that thing wallet owed me. dunno what it is, but it’s gotta be somethin’.”

“…whatever you say, rus,” Mutt mutters and shrugs his shoulders compliantly. He looks like he just wants to sleep, and you can’t say you blame him. It’s not like you want to be here either, it was obvious that most of the monsters here didn’t want to be here either. You’re sure there’s some other meaning behind it.

”I don’t owe you anything, Rus.”

”sure thing, wallet.”

”They’re not your wallet!”

[idontliketomatoesleavemealone]

honestly I don't wanna read all 70 questions cause I have to get ready for work soooooooo

fuck it, all of them. 1-70

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

I suppose so. I don’t think I’m really close because that’s just how I work but we’re all good with each other

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my guinea pig I think

03: Do you regret anything?

bruh that’s a shit question I regret everything I’ve ever done that’s how life works

04: Are you insecure?

hahahahahahahaaha yeah

05: What is your relationship status?

….its complicated

06: How do you want to die?

hopefully in my sleep of old age if I make it that far

07: What did you last eat?

uhhh two laugenbrötchen a few hours ago

08: Played any sports?

used to yeah, PE, fencing, horseback riding, swimming etc

09: Do you bite your nails?

no and I do not like it when other people do

10: When was your last physical fight?

does shoving my head against berry’s shoulder like an angry ram count

11: Do you like someone?

Obviously

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

nope and don’t plan to; I don’t do full nighters

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

so many people you have no idea

14: Do you miss someone?

also so many people. I have a lot of feelings about people.

15: Have any pets?

yeag the dog two cats three guinea pigs

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

bored :( tired, it’s 23:31 as I’m typing this

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

nah I haven’t kissed anyone romantically yet 😔

18: Are you scared of spiders?

yeah but like a reasonable amount

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

the void

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

reading, maybe going outside, I have a very exciting life

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

not really but like, if I’m financially emotionally socially stable enough at some point in like 10+ years I wouldn’t be absolutely opposed to it? Like I wouldn’t just say no. …under the condition that I am NOT the pregnant one fuck no

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

none, I could’ve gotten ear piercings but never did

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

idk like arts? Officially, arts religion and physics

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeag many people HOW AM I LIKE A THIRD THROUGH

26: What are you craving right now?

any meat. I’m literally craving meat 24/7 it’s so bad (I haven’t eaten meat since December)

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I mean probably? Not on purpose and/or that I know of?

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

No

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

yeah :( accidentally, I was making a joke but she didn’t pick up on it and it was like the straw that broke the camel‘s back I think

30: What’s irritating you right now?

Everything man, I’m answering this rn

31: Does somebody love you?

….yeah?

32: What is your favourite color?

red and blue :3

33: Do you have trust issues?

I don’t think so? I don’t trust a lot of people tho

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

hm. Good question? I have a lot of dreams. Probably mutuals or friends or my pigs

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

depends on the person, some I have never given a second chance some should’ve been out of my life ages ago but I’m weak

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive, aka just ignore and hope it doesn’t happen again

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

nah. Arguably, it’s probably one of the best so far; everything kinda went downhill since May, but I can’t really rate years

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

havent 😔

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

as a babe prolly

51: Favourite food?

I don’t really have one but I like chocolate cake and Bratwurst and Klöße :3

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

nah it’s the universe shit just happens

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

idk, brush my teeth?

55: Are you mean?

I can be but not seriously. My teacher once said I can make comebacks too well.

57: Do you believe in true love?

not necessarily in the fairytale form but yeah there’s something like that

58: Favourite weather?

extremely rainy and thundering and shit

59: Do you like the snow?

yeah but we don’t really get any

60: Do you wanna get married?

legally yes but not at a church that’s too much stuff to deal with

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

no, not a fan.

62: What makes you happy?

These are TOO UNPRECISE

63: Would you change your name?

tbh probably not? Like I hate my name but idk what to do about it like it’s still my name

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

yeag cos I don’t remember

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

….that would be a problem bc I’m a lesbian (we could stay friends obv but like. That’s it)

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

hmmm you

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

like how do you define talked to. I talked to the boy at tutoring I guess? In passing?

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

how do you define deep. I had a chat with berry and rice on Monday?

69: Do you believe in soulmates? Sorta, I think for the vast majority of people there’s someone right for them out there

[pacificwaternymph]

Anything with the kid xornoth au you havent gotten to write/wanted to write but couldnt quite fit in the main story?? :0

Spoiler alert below the cut:

(It doesn't have anything to do with the actual story but it does have to do with Scott and we haven't talked about Scott all that much in the fic yet)

Sometime in the future, when Xornoth is not quite in his little shit era yet but has moved past the "terrified by everything" stage, Shrub decides that a good way for Xornoth to reconnect with his brother is to have him live with Scott on his own for a month. He has his communicator and a wolf or two with him just in case something happens, but Shrub has decided it would do Xornoth some good to spend a bit of time away from her.

Xornoth absolutely hates the idea. He's never actually been away from Shrub for that long and it makes him nervous. Plus, he and Scott have had a ROCKY relationship to say the least, and even after the worst of it is over, things are very awkward between the two of them.

Xornoth locks himself in the room Scott gives him for the first few days, only coming out to eat. Everyone thinks it must drive him mad, being cooped up like that, but he's happy to just bundle himself up in blankets and stay in bed all day. If anything, it's a nice break from farmwork. And as for Scott, he tries to put aside time to eat dinner with Xornoth, but being a king, he's pretty busy.

Shrub and Xornoth text near constantly, though half the time it just turns into Xornoth asking to come home early. Shrub asks him to give it a little more time, because that Scott has made it clear he wants to be a part of Xornoth's life, so he should try to give him a chance. If, at the end of the month, the two of them are still stiff and uncomfortable around one another, then they can rediscuss how involved Xornoth wants Scott to be with him.

After about a week of this, Jimmy comes over and tells Scott enough is enough, they're never going to make any progress if they just avoid one another all the time. He is probably the only one qualified to give this advice, considering he has also been in the position of "oh shit I have a sibling I never knew existed." He tells Scott to take some time off and actually spend some time getting to know Xornoth instead of just spoiling him with gifts based off of information he managed to get out of Katherine and the WRA.

Because giving expensive shit is the only way Scott knows how to show his affection towards anyone who isn't Jimmy.

It feels... extremely forced at first. Xornoth isn't quite sure how he feels about the pretty transparent attempts to hang out with him, he's not sure if he's flattered or extremely uncomfortable. I mean, good intentions or not, Scott's face was plastered all over his nightmares for over a decade. That's not exactly easy, even with the things they'd been through together by that point.

But, by the end of the month, the two of them have actually grown quite close. It actually ends up helping Xornoth grow into his "little shit" era as he becomes more comfortable around other people, and mocking his brother MERCILESSLY for how utterly smitten he is with his husband.

[voidwritesstuff]

Long Way To The Truth

Cw:Lucas has a paranoid spiral, killing off an npc,guns,mentions of ptsd..

♡Chapter Five: Utah

♡summary; Lucas has various run ins with the law,some pleaseant and others...

As he drives into the state of Utah,theres something that had been picking at the back of his mind. That damn black SUV, it may be his paranoia but hes been dealing with these goverment spooks his whole life.

He rolls back his shoulder,trying to shake off the bad feeling thats clinging onto him like a leech. A sigh falls past his lips as he turns on the radio,and for a second time in his journey, Black Sabbath plays,same song.

Finished with my woman 'cause

She couldn't help me with my mind

People think I'm insane because

I am frowning all the time

Lucas hisses in discontent at the recognition of the song, but leaves it on. With a scowl he keeps Driving, a resting bitch face that could scare anyone.

All day long I think of things

But nothing seems to satisfy

Think I'll lose my mind

If I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me

Occupy my brain?

Oh yeah

He hates how much the song fits Him. In any other context he'd be singing along,but after being chased by some weird SUV,yeah no thanks.

One of his "quirks" is that he overthinks,he does that a lot. Hell,that SUV was enough to send him to the edge of a paranoid spiral,hes so damn close, he cant be caught before ever reaching Milton-Haven..

I need someone to show me

The things in life that I can't find

I can't see the things that make

True happiness, I must be blind

See,this is the thing thats making him consider seeing a therapist again,hes used to his paranoid spirals,hes lived with them his whole life. But just because hes gotten used to it,that doesnt mean its easy.

On bad days,he couldnt even leave his house, he'd cover up all Windows and entrances And just bunker himself into his house for days at a time.

He hates It, he hates the feeling of paranoia,the Fear,the anxiety. God,he does need help.

Make a joke and I will sigh

And you will laugh and I will cry

Happiness I cannot feel

And love to me is so unreal

And its not only the paranoia,he feels happiness like its muffled,filtered out. He could laugh,he could find things funny,but the happiness didnt last long. And as much as he wants to hold on to that feeling,there are days where its as brief as the passing breeze.

And so as you hear these words

Telling you now of my state

I tell you to enjoy life

I wish I could but it's too late

The song ends shortly thereafter. He sighs in relief and lets the other songs play out until he reaches a café. There he orders breakfast and sits on a quiet,lone booth in the back.

Paranoid,hes paranoid, he knows that. But he tries to play it off so he doesnt stick out like a sore thumb.

Lucas tilts his head to the side,stretching his neck muscles with a deep sigh. He feels the bones in his neck pop and a lot more relaxed he grabs his Journal

"Already in Utah, ive been paranoid and panicky all day. I havent felt like this since my last paranoid spiral a week ago,the Day I decided I needed to chase this mystery.

God,i can still remember the feeling of having my house in complete shutdown. All the Doors locked, it was GODDAMN awful.

I need a break before I actually have a public freakout and draw more attention to myself. I dont want to be even more of a target...or feel that way ever again.

Thought this trip would help me get out of the house and feel less paranoid. Having to be on the edge of yet another spiral is a Real gut punch to the Morale. Its just a few days more, I think I can hold out.

Hopefully."

Post breakfast,he resumes his Driving,checking his outside mirror more than he should. He double checks that his rifle Is at hand more than he normally would.

Oh he can already feel it setting in,the cold sweating, the anxious bounce of the leg, the way his fingers tap on the Gear shift in an uneven,inconsistent rythm. Its like a melody falling appart.

Hes out of synch,hes out of rythm,like a drummer messing up the beat of the song over and over again.

Lightheaded,his heartbeat is a drum in his ears,blasting and breaking his eardrums. Its awful, asphyxiating

With shaky,irregular breaths his eyes look for a motel nearby. He spots one in the map,one of the things he highlighted before the trip, and on the way there, he decided he needs to calm down.

It starts off with breathing excersices,deep inhales and exhales. Then,grounding excersices, 5 things he can see,four things he can touch,That sort. And slowly but surely,his breath Evens out,his heartbeat returns to normal and he feels back to reality.

Yet,it takes a toll on him. His body feels s lot weaker,more tired.

He hates it,he Hates that he knows whats the right thing to do. And so,he keeps Driving.

As he reluctantly pulls into the parking lot of the motel, Lucas mentally curses that stupid paranoia spiral that led him here.

The door to his van closes rather loudly,usually he is carefull with car Doors, but today hes pretty pissed, so he slams the door shut,catching the attention of a person leaning on the entrance to the motel.

But he doesnt notice them until he hears them go-- Damn,Rough Day.

You wouldve thought he could have broken his neck with the speed that he Turned to see the person talking to him.

Hes met with a rather short woman, around 5'3,short Bond hair,grey eyes and dressed in pretty comfortable normal clothes.

--You could say as much-- he replied, a little annoyed but trying to not lash out.

This girl can tell though, she notices the way his jaw sets and his eyes almost burn a hole through her head.

--You might want to find someone to look out for your van, shit's been crazy as of late.

Lucas squints at her,checking for anything that might confirm his suspicion.

And he does, he sees the glimmer of a badge poking out from the pocket of her jacket. But she looks a lot younger than him and hes too tired to throw down with anyone.

--Tough chance kid,now ive had a very,very,bad day so far. So,if you dont mind-- he starts before the woman stands infront of him. He snarls and hisses a growl,annoyance building up.

--look- I know what youre trying to do

--Youre a fed,'course y'do

--n' I think its the right thing-- she added,which made him back off just a little.-- I wasnt lying about stuff getting crazy,ill Keep an eye out on the van.

--And me

She rolled her eyes, pursing her lips and giving him a blank stare-- you wish. Im on your side and I think it would do you good to listen to what I have to say. Youre a Smart Man,arent you? So quiet down

Fine, hes playing along. Hes too tired to protest-- fine,what is your wisdom, oh great fed.

God,his sarcasm was really taking the wheel,huh?

--I am on your side,I dont think our little friend from the 60s should make a comeback,its too effective,too inhumane -- she explains,relaxing her posture a little since he is not an active threat.-- so you go sleep,hey some rest and get ready. Because theyre comin at you with everything that theyve got

Lucas sighs, nodding-- 'kay, fine so do I have to pay a bribe or something

--dont tempt me. But no-- she replied-- And also,theres this therapist in Milton-Haven,I know a guy whose sister is a patient of his,told me hes a great guy. His names something Wales. I think you could use the help

Oh,so he looks THAT traumatized,huh?

--Good to know I look that fucked up-- he snapped back.

--Brother,we have a whole file on you

--'course y'do

--I know you have PTSD. Trust me- ive bee-- im right there with you, theres help out there for you.

At that,his gaze softens,his heart feels like its being squeezed and his face changes. Hes no longer angry,he feels...sorry.

She can tell,and hes quick to recompose himself and scoff,trying to play it off by walking into the motel as he says-- Hide yer damn badge,yer Fed's showing.

The agent only chuckles at his flusteredness and adds-- sweet dreams,Mr.Cole.

Lucas books a room for the night. He gets set into bed,actually enjoying the comfort of the bed rather than be put off by it.  Hes that exhausted. With a deep breath,he allows his conscience to be taken over by sleep.

He finds himself in the barracks of the place they were stationed at. Hes enjoying the mildly Cool breeze that flows through the few Windows.

--Bored much,lieutenant?--Wheeler asks, with a smirk on his lips.

--oh hey Al-- he replied,as his friend sat down beside him on the bed.-- not bored its just...jetlagged

--yeah ive had that happen to me,itll take a few days to get used to it

--Its like ive been steamrolled-- he murmurs,rubbing his eyes-- im so damn Tir-- he yawns,cutting his sentence in hair--ed

Alphonso chuckled-- welcome to the world,kid. Hey,you wont Belive what I sneaked past the guards

A little curious he asks-- What?

Like a kid in christmas,his Friend pulls out two small Hershey chocolate bars-- the good stuff,kid.

--How did you even--He grabs one of the bars,its Cool to the touch-- how is it cold?

--i have my ways-- Wheeler answer with a shrug as he peeled open the chocolate.

--Who did you even have to bribe to get these past,well,everyone?!--Lucas asked, impressed,confused and slightly worried that this will come back to bite them in the ass.

--A true magician never reveals his methods,'n also you'd be surprised at the ammount of shit ive Snucked in-- his captain answered,taking a bite out of his chocolate-- Get rid of the evidence before it melts. Cmon

Enthusiastically,he mows down that chocolate,laughing along with Wheeler to some of his tales of Shenanigans past.

He awakens with a groan as he rolls on his back, his body feeling a little sore. It takes him a second to stand up,spending a few minutes laying on his back with one hand on his stomach and the other behind his head.

When he does eventually sit up,he rubs the sleep out of his eyes and a sleepy whine escapes him,sounding Like a half asleep kitten rather than a fully grown 55 Year old Man.

"13:05"reads the clock on the nightstand,he sighs loudly and gets ready to leave to get lunch. But when he opens the door he finds a cardboard bag with a mcdonalds emblem printed on it,and on it a note "Its not poisoned. YES this note Will make you think that it is, if I wanted you dead I would've Killed you in your sleep. Anyway I hope you had a good nap. -S.V."

And once again,just when he thinks his life couldnt get any weirder, life proves him wrong

Hes not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth,so he takes the food and eats. It disturbs Him a little that she got his order right too, but hes also not that surprised.

Once hes done eating, he goes to check on his van through the Window of his room. Still there,nothing out of place from what he can see, but Parked right Next to It  is a black SUV. He looks low key OFFENDED that she would park the very obvious fed vehicle right Next to his white van.

But then he stops and thinks about the absolute insanity that is having a white van Next to an unmarked SUV. Both of the most suspicious vehicles to ever exist on this planet,Next to eachother just hanging out.

For his peace of mind he figured its like negative plus negative equals positive. If people saw those two things there they'd think nothing of it because who would actually do that.

Yet before he backs off to Keep sleeping, he notices the Agent go into the SUV with what seems to be a happy meal box, and just sit there and eat as she listens to the radio.

He knows that federal agents are people just like he was,but actually seeing an agent jam out to aqua's "Barbie girl" was defenetly an experience. But he feels moved and only scoffs playfully,to then Grab a fresh pair of clothes and get into the shower.

Because of the day he was having,he didnt do his whole routine. He just did enough so his hair didnt look like complete shit and left It as it was,whatever happened to it was between him and god.

Tiredly,he hops into bed only to hear a rattle come from the cardboard box that was still on the bed. He reaches over only to find a green tamagochi in the bag,theres a note taped on it "a token of peace for when youre stuck in a traffic jam"

He snorts and decides to kill of some time by playing with the tamagochi. He'd have to look for tracking devices later,but that was an issue for future Lucas.

Current Lucas spends his time playing with the tamagochi for a few hours until hes ready to leave. He packs up his stuff,puts the little Toy in his pocket and goes to his van to shove all his shit in there.

But before he leaves, he goes to the store by foot, gets exactly two Hershey chocolate bars and returns.

--No wonder I caught your badge--He mutters,noticing the Window of the SUV rolled down half way. He grabs the Hershey chocolate that has a note on it and lets it fall on the drivers Seat, then he goes into his own vehicle and just as he closes the door he notices something.

Theres a small bundle of notes on the passenger Seat tied together with an elástica band.

He takes a few seconds to take a quick look at them, they're mayer documents, theres a list with adresses of buildings, a few with redacted notes.

And a little post it that says "if anybody asks,I didnt get them for you. This never happened,I dont exist. Also itll do you good to find Dr.James. safe trip"

Lucas raises a brow but sets the papers down, and just as he pulls away from the parking lot,his fed friend comes from the inside of the motel and watches him leave. He salutes her and she salutes right back, leaving her to Snicker to herself.

She gets into her car only to notice the chocolate bar with the note, she takes it and it reads "thanks for looking out for my van. Consider this your Bribe- LT.L.C." and underneath it theres a small Killroy drawn with the phrase "get killroiy'd" ,The agent snorts and gets into her car.

She needs to think for a damn good lie to tell her assigned battle buddy,a guy by the last name Dwight,who she left on the dinner they had breakfast at whilist waiting for Lucas to show up. She knew it had to be good,if not her fellow agent would go and check it out, and she did not like his odds against Lucas.

They werent particularly close. Hell,shes never heard of the guy before this very day. But both were there to hold eachother accountable just in case, and the guy had a reputation for taking matters in his own hands If he wasnt satisfied with the results of others.

For some reason,the mere thought of that left a sour taste in her mouth. She had to be careful about this to not out herself,or hey anyone in trouble or worse.

Regardless,Most of Lucas' night drive goes by without any issue,most of the night though. He catches another loose interaction in that no longer dormant frequency.

He stops the van on the side of the road,nothing but Rolling fields of wetlands around him. Theres cicadas and grasshoppers serenading the moon that night as it peeks from the dark clouds. If you were to stand there for a bit, you'd feel very alone very quickly. Its really unsettling.

Theres a bit of static but not enough to the Point that its a garbled mess, he hears a female voice, has to be early thirties.

《Confirm arrival of shipment,over》

And a male voice answers 《confirming arrival of shipment. ETA a few months,still waiting on the ship. Over》

That same female voice replied 《ten-four.》 Then theres a brief pause,he hears an impatient sigh from the woman and then she adds 《Lets hope the ship doesnt crash or else we're all in big FUCKING trouble. Romeo Mike Julliet out》

He knew the shipment was a big deal but- hearing that Lady sound that impatient for it really Honed in the idea.

Lucas writes down what he heard and closes his Journal,and just as hes about to tuck in for the night, he hears the rustling of Grass and semi quiet footsteps approaching his van.

"Why is nothing ever allowed to be simple" he thinks,getting his gun ready and cocking it as silently as he could. He turns off the lights on his van,making it seem like hes going to sleep, he lays down,hiding himself between the dark shadows of the van as the moon gets covered by the thick stormy clouds.

When the head of his intruder is peeking through the half opened Window of the Man's back door he shoots.

Even if the rifle wasnt suppressed, nobody wouldve heard the shot in the middle of that field Clad road. The body falls and he waits for a shitstorm.

But its quiet.

And then his mind goes to that agent he met,his blood freezes and he tenses up. The Sky gets struck with thunder so loud it might break the heavens in two, the rain pours down on the earth.

Oh no

The doors SLAM Open as he looks at the short figure laying limp on the road. His breath quickens as he steps out and hovers over the body.

Blood gets swept by the rain,the thunder illuminates the fields in brief flashes of white light,like a roar from a celestial lion.

On the side of the road,the green Grass gets stained crimson and as his heart beats to the rythm of a thousand drums,to the Point that it drowns out the storm...

He sighs in relief as he sees its another agent,a guy,pretty short in statue. His eyes catch the guy's CIB badge strapped to his belt --OH THANK GOD

But then the reality sets in, he just Killed a CIB agent.

Oh.

Shit.

Like a bat out of hell,he hops right back into his van and drives the whole night through,soaked in rain and checking his back every four minutes. By sunrise he makes it to Nevada and stays in the most hidden,most inconspicuous cheap motel he can find. He just fucked up. Big. Time.

[puphoods]

hi!! tell me more abt dahlia cooper and elliot?

omg the sillies

so the basics of their story is theyre in a post-apocalypse zombie setting... its been 5-10 years ish things havent really gotten under control all that much society at large is still very much broken down etc. etc.

cooper dahlia and elliot are three people sharing a large plot of what used to be farmland- dahlia lives in the main house, elliot lives in an old barn reconstructed to be a viable living space before the outbreak and cooper is... also nearby somewhere. its a little out of the way but close enough to a frequently used main route that people will come across them every now and then

cooper is a freak of a man whos sense of morality + justice has been twisted due to a relatively isolated upbringing + violence witnessed during the outbreak + subsequent downfall of society and he now believes he is the only one capable of rational morality. he sees himself as judge jury and executioner and anyone who he deems a bad enough person he kills and- i cant stress enough- feeds to the zombies, as he sees them as no longer being bound to human morality + therefore above it. he has a weird sexual relationship with elliot* + an... obsession with dahlia where he sees her as the only one able to pardon him for his actions

dahlia was a nun sometime before the outbreak and spent the first few years taking in and looking after lost and orphaned children. unfortunately being just one woman she was unable to really protect them and after some unfortunate events they were killed and as a result she has become bitter and hateful towards most other people. she views herself as weak while also believing shes the only one that knows what needs to be done and how to do it and as a result has taken refuge with the others, despite resenting + distrusting them, seeing them as a means to an end. she knows cooper is deeply unwell and knows the way he sees her should not be encouraged but tells herself it has to be done to protect everyone. i dont really have a solid dynamic for elliot and dahlia yet sorryyyy ive never been able to work it out >_< also she has a small vegetable garden + the vegges are used to trade with the others and w other travelers passing through for other things they might need

elliot is a social recluse who had agoraphobic tendencies pre-outbreak and the isolation + constant danger during the outbreak ahs made them extremely paranoid to the point of near delusion. they spent a lot of time traveling with other people for protection, having little to no allegiance with anyone + caring less + less about the actual people they were with as time went on, prioritising only their own life + safety. they eventually took refuge with cooper, but over time has grown to fear + resent him more than the people he kills, and in an attempt to keep themself safe is manipulating cooper to be more rash and less careful about the fights he gets into. cooper is aware he is being pushed into more fights but is unaware its in an attempt to get him killed so elliot can find someone stronger to travel with. they have weird + manipulative sex also. elliot is very handy + helps out with upkeep of the buildings + technology (filtering water etc.) in exchange for the food + protection offered by the others

[ankhisms]

ok i didnt take a lot of screenshots while i watched but i did write down some thoughts as i was watching so heres episode 41-44 thoughts

ep 41

really fucked up that ZECT has a like gas bomb that makes worms lose their mimic abilities and then they go in and kill them like honestly in that scene it seemed like the worms were like hiyori and rich boy and reina like just living normal lives not harming anyone. frankly im on the worms side here that was fucked up

tendou really climbed an entire mountain just to be dramatic on the top because of course he did

theres a new goth guy in town with a trench coat that hes got the hood pulled up on so you know he means evil business

"what does it mean that i am the top of zects son" kagami how have you gone this long without knowing that your dad is the boss of zect. like i know youre estranged. but you work for zect.

aw rich boy is so worried about his besties being hurt

kagami has admitted that it was a lavender marriage

tosses glitter and falls over, dead

KAGAMI HAS BEEN TACKLED AND HANDCUFFED FOR TRYING TO SEE HIS DAD. I HATE HIS DAD..kagami we need to kill your dad

renge voice how did you get an entire huge bed with a canopy over it inside our tiny ass cafe. did you really have to sleep here. tendou voice who cares. have breakfast. dont question anything that happens anymore

POURING SUGAR ALL OVER THE TOFU WHATRE YOU DOING

"the end is close" ok thats not ominous at all. normal things your dad says to you

"father why was i born" kagami..... kagami my friend kagami )): i havent seen anything about the end of kabuto but i do genuinely have a bad gut feeling about how everything might end for kagami like im concerned about him

the hoppers looking at rich boy and going god i wish someone would call me young master and spoil me and rich boy going hahaha so true. who the fuck are you guys again is so funny. and then theynjust start fighting for no reason like ok yeah sure

"please dont hold a grudge against my son" "i dont hold any grudges against kagami" dont worry mr zect president tendou is holding something else entirely against your son. as in hes holding him in his arms and um

"im not doing this for zect im doing it for someone i trust" aw kagami. i still think its a bad fucking plan

OK SURE HE WAS A WORM THE WHOLE TIME. SURE. WHY NOT.

"i wont trust anyone anymore" GOD. KAGAMI. IM VERY WORRIED ABOUT HIM LIKE WOW. HIS LIFE SUCKS CURRENTLY

THEYRE PUNCHING KAGAMI REALLY FAST HASNT HE GONE THRU ENOUGH

i get kagami might be a bit shocked that the guy hes been working with at zect and really trusted is a worm but like. i dont understand him having such a violent and like disgusted angry response to him like kagami knows that hiyori is a worm and knows that tsurugi is a worm and he has no issues with them?? and like his team mate guy was trying to protect him and help him and rushed over to see if he was ok and tried to help him up so its just kind of like. kagami i get you might be shocked but this is still the same guy youve always known and respected and trusted its just like. cmon now

ep 42

"time only flows for me" ok sure! whatever the fuck! i just am accepting every single thing that happens now because like yeah why not. this might as well happen enough bizarre unexplainable shit has happened already we might as well through something else in

watching a hostage tape ransom message on a projector

ok the zect counsel is like hooded mysterious figures. makes sense

TOFU DUEL......... TWO!!!!!!!!

i can not believe i forgot about kagami having a brother which was a whole thing in the beginning which was very tragic and sad it feels like the whole direction and feeling of the show has changed so much since then

baseball with feelings

"i kept seeing my sister in her" UM. DONT SAY THAT

i love kagami pushing open his jacket and touching the gattack belt in the same kind of movement an old wild west cowboy would do to reach for his gun holster in a shootout its very fun

misaki why did you say yes to going out with him suddenly. misaki please

it feels meaningful to me that tadokoro comes to save kagami and fight the other worm in his human form.... and then him reaching out to help kagami up and kagami taking his hand vs how kagami reacted when he first found out. cries

you may be able to stop time but consider this: im the fucking sun

not gorou chan is so mad about not being able to launch a missile attack. typical government behavior

TENDOU DITCHED THEIR TOFU DUEL

uh oh the other tendou is here

ep 43

other tendou skips into the cafe and is like lalalaaa im going to kill tendou. okay byeeeeeeee and skips out

"hiyori doesnt want to see you any more" DONT SAY THAAAAT HES HER BIG BROTHERRRRR

i do enjoy tendou two as a character so far hes fun

"how did you come here from the edge of time and space" "lol not telling you"

help this really is like this universe isnt big enough for two tendous

tendou two, while beating tendou up: whyre you hitting yourself stop hitting yourself

why must we fight the goth evil worm guy why cant we kiss him

cant visit your boyfriend in the emergency care ward of the hospital unless you look hot

the evil goth worm guy being able to copy any attack he gets hit with is a fun twist

IM NOT MISAKINU. IM MISAKI. YOU TELL HIM GO

"when my mimic defeats me" tendou. dont fucking say that. but also it makes sense. hes the kind of big brother who would sacrifice himself to save his little sisters. but like tendou. tendou your sisters need you alive. kagami needs you alive

"keep it all a secret from kagami" STOP!+!!!!!!! NO. YOU KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BREAK HIS HEART YOU KNOW HE WOILD DO ANYTHING TO STOP YOU FROM SACRIFICING YOURSELF

crying and sobbing about tendou teaching jyuka to cook. he loves both his little sisters so much but also he misses hiyori and cooking with hiyori was their sibling bonding activity

aw tendou two loves hiyori in his own way and doesnt want hiyori to be sad ):

the scene with tendou saying i have to die to save hiyori and kagami trembling and yelling AND I HAVE TO WATCH AND DO NOTHING WHILE YOU DIE?? they were in love there

yknow what i cant even blame hiyori for saying shes not returning to the world ever again. its her choice she should be allowed to make that choice. but also. sad

ep 44

i kind of wonder if hiyori was written out of the show because her actress was needing to do something else but i could always be wrong it just is kind of what the whole deal felt like

NOT MY RICH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!

did not at all expect kageyama to stop his hopper-isms and put on a suit and be THA BEE again but im proud of him

oh he fucking got his ass kicked. well he tried

LETS GO HOME.... WAAAAAA... I LOVE YOU SIBLINGS...

i do feel bad for tendou two like it kind of seems like his entire existence was made to revolve around pretending to be tendou to keep hiyori there or whatever but also they had him fucking chained up and locked away tortured and now hes all alone. that sucks so bad for that guy

oop kageyama took off his suit hes back on the path of hell

OK TENDOU TWO IS GOING CRAZY. OK. DID HE JUST FUVKING KILL HIYORI. HOLY SHIT

[lawtistic]

tier lists uhh woohoo

“who uses emails anymore” me. because i had to email one of these to myself so i could get it on my computer. now here we are

i went a did a shit ton of death note tierlists and now that i have the urge to shit myself i will post them because i need an excuse to post something on my masterlist when i get around to making that

characters:

i know who that manga guy is but i forgot his name and he is funny and sexy despite being present for 2 pages and thats why hes up there

im a certified sidoh hater btw

there is a number of characters i ranked pretty high just because theyre hot (mello [partially], namikawa, gevanni, lidner, nameless manga guy, wedy)

characters (adaptations):

i didnt watch the 2006 live action because i havent gotten to it, couldnt finish the 2017 netflix version because of the gore, and havent watched the korean musical because i am superstitious and the circumstances of that are triggering so yayyy! so the characters that are on here from those are ones i have seen clips of and feedback and such

and some characters werent on there??? like mikami was in the jdrama and was an important enough character why would u not add him

characters kind of deviate from their og rankings but that is either because i have gotten 8 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours or something stirred in my brain and i was being smart but i no longer remember it

adaptations:

i probably shouldnt have even ranked the 2006 live action and 2017 netflix ver at all but i probably thought the list was looking pretty empty when  was doing this

theres also a lot missing but those are the main ones so i dont care that much

(i would have personally added the add-ons like L change the worLd, another note, and the video games but like i said those are specific additions. i would have also added the one shot, the c-kira story and a-kira story, as well as the relights, light up the NEW world, differentiated the different versions of the musical but but but its okay. i know im rambling but really i do get it [”make it yourself!” no i already made 1 tierlist for this post and also i havent consumed enough of that media for it to be worth it])

ships:

gonna be honest when it comes to L’s successors (excluding B and A) i feel weird shipping them with anyone else BUT each other

i would have ranked b x a higher if a wasnt a briefly mentioned character with little dynamics or personality talked about, and i havent seen enough collective fanon of them to rank them anywhere other than mid

the first 2 tiers are preeetty closely ranked i just put lawlight in the first one because i consume more of it, also i probably would have moved some of these around (like moving kiyomisa down to ohio) but this is pretty old so thats my excuse (i was also kind of hard on matsulight i am so sorry)

musical songs: 

i dont hate any of the songs enough to put it in hunchback 2

also i need jarrod spector to sing an english version of the way things are i would cry. i put that in (the cheap, joking version of) my will but i accidentally said the way it ends and since it was an image that has since been plastered on multiple places its too late for me to fix it despite my efforts to correct it so oh well

ones i just genuinely cant remember were put in ohio (alongside the actual ohio songs) so if you see one in there that should definitely be ranked higher or lower that is why

i know a lot of people liked borrowed time but to me its just the simp version of titanium so i dont care that much

if i could rank the individual parts of secrets and lies i would be so grateful because the first part is pretty ohio but the last section is so boobs tier worthy that i just ended up averaging it out

i listen to the way it ends on loop every single morning

character themes:

this is the tier list i made and since i am very bad at making tier lists there are like 2 useless and unused images and its irritating but tiermaker says i cannot delete them so rip

kira’s theme is my favorite and while i know the three L themes up there are essentially the same thing they are also the same thing and i just put them next to each other

i played mello’s theme c while riding go karts once it was great

[normalestgirlblog]

UPDATE

so i kind of have a new boy

hes older which scares me in a lot of ways

not that much older like 2 years im being dramatic

but obviously like high school me is flipping shit bc i was so in love with so many of the boys 2 years above me like i was actually obsessed with them and they were kind of like the last era of boys i was obsessed with when i used to be boy crazy

and when i say i used to be boy crazy I USED TO BE FUCKING INSANE AND DELUSIONAL

like a boy would ask me the time and i would think about it for a month type delusional

and atp all my friends were like hooking up / like fucking and everyone thought i was a lesbian, which may have been my fault whoops. i ruined my chances with girls because i may have been a little pyscho to my first girl but she was also fucking crazy in my defense. and then i ruined my chances with guys because everyone thought i was a lesbian bc bitches did not know that bisexuality was an actual thing

anyways

i was just obsessed with boys without even knowing them and it was always the ones like 2 years above me, 3 years was too far, and 1 year was too close plus they were not nearly as cute as the boys 2 years above me. like my art class was fucking incredible for me. although as soon as u get to know them it gets like problematic and i lose feelings. like i was properly obsessed with this boy in my art class, and one day we did this exercise where basically we had to talk about people that we hated. and literally out of nowhere he was like I hate Colin Kaepernick, which like is just so inherently horrible on so many levels. i get that he was like an army boy, he ended up going to west point and like whatever army boys are really sensitive about that stuff. But wtf like 1 that was the first name u came up with and 2 you are so fucking dense that you cant see how thats a problematic thing to say and 3 if you are so invested into this hatred did you at least take the time to understand why he did it. the answer to that last one is def not, because if he did he wouldnt have said that. i didnt even know that people like werent on his side. maybe im close minded to conservatives but like what the hell. Either way my crush was kind of obliterated into a million pieces, i would argue that my heart broke that day during art class.

obviously i would have heart wrenching crushes on people in other grades, but that grade was so good, so mysterious, so like lively and just very obsessable. People in my grade were so outwardly horrible that it was very hard to sustain an obsession on anyone.

however, the reason i havent had an obsession like crush on anyone since then except for this boy and he who shall not be mentioned, might be because i started smoking consistently after this era. and it kind of filled the hole where obsession existed and fed off my romantic ideals and delusional mind. weed like just made me not think or delude myself into liking people that were not good for me or anyone. and honestly if it also filled the hole of insecurity and all of the other stupid reasons i got suspended that wouldve been great too. it made me not care about delusional shit but did not fix me in the ways that i needed. it was never enough. fuck. and now that i dont smoke im getting fucking obsessed with boys again. it feels good but obviously also feels horrible because of the amount of panic attacks and insecurity that comes with liking a fucking boy.

liking a girl isnt much better, i also went crazy doing shit like that, but i havent done that in a while either. its worse to have an obsession with a guy that you know and are actively talking to. because you are just as delusional while they are making u feel bad about yourself to your face, and its not intentional but its not accidental. men are just manipulative creatures that have developed methods of getting what they want from women by playing into these fucking fantasies. that we are socially bred to have. like if i wasnt surrounded by notions of romance and loving a man despite his many many faults, and that my self-worth comes from having sex and being with a man, i would not be this fucked up over a fucking man.

And it honestly makes it worse that I know all of this, and I am still behaving like this. like i see the problem, i understand it, where it came from, why it exists, how it subjugates me and the women even gay women around me. there is still this compulsory subservience of men that is translated into this want and need for their attention and approval and validation. its so fucking twisted. and yet i find myself wanting them, needing them, allowing them into my heart and stomach and blood and brain and just letting them fuck all of my shit up. WHY. its not like i am stupid. i think. but like why. im miserable with them and im miserable without them. maybe im the problem?

i wonder what its like to be a man, to have this much power over women.

wait i got so off topic im just realizing. idk how it is possible but every single one of my posts turns into something depressing and existential. but i am actually happy. i do feel like im going a little bit crazy over the situation, and i am also still leading on the other girl bc i just cant bring myself to break her heart. but new obsession helping me get over old obsession and thats all a girl can really ask for.

however

i am not sure how in detail i can get abt sexual things on this app these days, but i need to get this out because it is bothering me. we were hooking up whatever and he was like i dont have a condom. obviously because i am easy and didnt suspect him to be a whore i was like oh lol thats fine idc. but then he was like oh i dont want to without a condom. which i know is normal and like very healthy but my mind is like a fucking maze of possibilities. one, that he thinks i have an std which is possible since i told him i havent used a condom in a while whoops. two, that he has an std, but we did other things that would make me not believe that. three, that he is really that nervous about getting me pregnant or stds in general, which in that case i would begin to question how nervous he is as a person and whether or not hes being really normal and im the freak, or the cautiousness of that act means something else. either way, im a fucking psychopath and no matter what anyone does im going to think of all the worst possibilities of what something could mean. this is why i like doing this and like unloading all of my thoughts because i get to see how anxious i truly am like i feel so fucking self aware right now its almost turning me on.

i dont think hes a freak, i think hes really normal. i am probably the freak that i find that really odd. also his body is so hard. its nice. and his face, but the beard scruff thing going on left my face RED.

im also completely overthinking all of it becasue it is unfortunately impossible for us to continue whatever has just been started because he is MOVING TO FUCKING SPAIN. fucker. its like he doesnt even care about me. im having a salvatore moment i suspect, and after its over a california moment. if i reference all of my romantic inclinations in terms of lana del rey songs it helps me like process them. still waiting for my groupie love <3

[cyanlastride]

kinda crazy how i can just lie in bed and be tired for hours at a time without falling asleep. just like. thinkin.

i wonder quite frequently how well i can trust my memory. when it comes to people's emotions and attitude toward me especially. like, im pretty sure on one of the last days of grade 12 my close friend of six years said to me that they didnt think they had been a very good friend. and i remember brushing it off, and reassuring them that they had been a perfectly good friend. i was in a good mood that day. in truth, i do wish that they hadnt pushed me away as much as they did, but also i was a weirdo and a creep in highschool and my friend was well within their rights to distance themselves from that. despite that, i do still think they were quite a good friend. and i hope they know that. i hope they know i still care about them. i hope they dont hate me for doing what i did to one of our mutual friends. i wouldnt blame them for hating me, but still.

but see, i have no idea if any of that is actually true. its the way i remember things happening, but maybe thats just what i wanted to remember. maybe there was some other context that ive since erased, that completely changed the vibe of the conversation.

maybe we never ended up understanding each other. i just wanted to understand her, and be understood myself...

and then its gone completely, if im not careful. an entire bond, lessons, moments, joy and pain spanning 6 years, decontextualized. left to drift. i lose what that person thinks of me, and start losing the parts of me that are theirs. its horrible.

so i try to hang on to my little story. id rather keep them in my mind as a lie than lose them. and slowly, over time, that story shifts and changes and blurs and falsely sharpens, until its a completely new ship, and i havent noticed a thing.

i think my mind will die before my body. it terrifies me how fragile both are.

i hope, my friend, that you are doing well. i hope that i get to see you again someday, and that our paths cross for long enough for us to become friends again. perhaps, this time, without all the pain and confusion. please know that i dont blame you for any of it. if it was anyones fault, it was mine.

i suppose, in a sense, i hope you dont think about me the way i am currently thinking about you, like ,this. you owe me nothing, least of all your time. but then again, i do want your time. i hope that i am thought about by others. its selfish. selfish.5,c,i,io,,

[lukiren]

god the feeling of being fucking worthless garbage is back. im so alone again. my friends hate me again. I cant be adjusted and normal for 2 fucking seconds of my life. i cant stand any of it when their gazes pity and somber on seeing me like i cant even escape being the failure here in front of people who have never worked a part time job and never needed it and never wondered how they would feed themselves im outclassed, lower class pretending to be middle, they exclude me now not because they hate me but because they hate hearing me have to dejectedly back out of something thats too expensive because i cant fucking cut it. im a poor bum on the fucking street to them.

im just so full of ire today. I cant fix it. I dont want to either, im tired of pretending like im not actually mad because im fucking enraged all the time. god im so lonely. i dont want to be alone right now but im incapable of asking for help, and i know in my heart my friends would never turn out for my suicide attempt. thats what burns the most. no one would get together to discuss my safety. one person cares and i cant even see them because of how busy they are these months but god do i need to see them do i need to curl into their arms and close my eyes and wont anyone comfort me or reach out to me this is a cry for help ive been screaming for help all this time and no one will do anything no one cares enough to do anything and to offer me your meds??? like im a dog again. begging for scraps. rich fucking asshole would rather offer me meth than just ask as a friend ONCE IN ANYONES FUCKING LIFE IF IM DOING OK. OR OFFER TO SEE ME WHEN I HAVENT SEEN ANYONE SINCE I FORCED THEM TO GET TOGETHER WITH ME. TALK TO ME. PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME ALONE I CANT EVEN BREATH MY OWN AIR ANYMORE PLEASE PLEASE GOD I WANT TO CRY SO BADLY BUT IM SO FUCKING HOLLOWED OUT RIGHT NOW IM A HUSK I CANT TAKE THE DEAD END JOB AND THE RACISM AND THE AIMLESS ABANDON OF THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND THE SUCCESS OF MY FRIENDS ONLY REMINDS ME HOW MUCH I FUCKED UP I JUST SAY SHIT JUST TO HEAR ANYONE SPEAK TO ME LIKE IK A PERSON AND NOT JUST COMMUNICATING IN VIDEO GAMES