#not that im helping the matter bc im not contacting or telling anyone bc that would be out of line and bad so im just

[mrfoox]

except that im mentally dead, i’m good

[updownlately]

i'm the definition of 'wreck' (if you look into my soul)

| leah williamson x reader | angst | 2.4k | inspo: time by nf / everywhere by niall horan | a/n: i tried to write angst, no idea how that went but here's what i got. technically since no names were named you can imagine any player from the arsenal wfc as 'her' but i wrote this with leah in mind bc well im a lw6 simp

~~~

It's been like this for weeks. This push and pull. The little things that work just a little harder each time to knock you over the edge. To be honest you don’t know how much of it you can take. And what’s worse is you know you’ve got nobody but yourself to blame. 

It’s when she’s leaving your shared bed early in the mornings, long before either of you need to be up. It’s the way she’d retire to bed later than she probably should, long after you’ve headed up, risking less sleep just to avoid contact. 

It shouldn’t be like this. Love shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn't be missed date nights, keys grabbed after every fight, doors slammed, sometimes more nights a week spent at hotels than your own bed.  Yet, it’s all you’ve ever known and the only thing you carry in your heart. This sad, broken, pathetic attempt at love is really all you have to offer.

In all honesty, you were shit at this relationship thing, though no one could blame you. They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and yet you’ve begged and prayed that it would. And yeah you technically have control over your actions and should better yourself, but you’ve tried and failed over and over again. You’ve tried to improve, work on yourself, create a better version of you, but in the end, when everything’s burning and there’s napalm in the air and rubble all around you, all you’ll ever know is to grab your weapon, fire, and run. 

It’s left you alone, failed relationship after failed relationship. You swear you’ve tried. Tried to work on communicating, on breathing deep breaths before your anger builds up, on talking about your fucking feelings. Regardless, it’s never enough for yourself. You run, you hide, you lock yourself away until there’s nothing to find.

So when weeks and months pass and you see her each day with the light finally returning to her eyes you can’t help but be glad that she got rid of you. 

And when you feel so broken seeing her and her family after a game won at your home pitch, you quietly gather the shattered pieces of your heart and make your way toward the locker rooms with nobody but yourself to blame.

It's only as you pass the friends and family section that you can pick out her mother’s voice and your name being said in conversation, with a follow up question on how you’re doing, something you really don’t deserve after how you’ve treated her.

You’re very much aware that no matter how many times you fix your damaged heart and dull all the sharp edges, that you’ll still end up hurting those around you. So you speed up ever so slightly, shielding your already broken heart, cradling the pieces that had fallen ever so gently as they break further in your hands, careful not to cut anybody along the way. You swear you drop some pieces in your hurry, but with your rush you tell yourself you’d come back later to grab them (spoiler: you never do).

~

You end up showering and changing before anyone else has even made it back inside. Making a pit stop to confirm your departure and the following days’ schedules with your manager and coach, you check the time and head to your car.

It's late afternoon and while that helps expand your options for lunch, it also means you have one too many hours left in the day to survive before you can let yourself head to bed. Contemplating on how to spend the rest of your day, it’s your tiredness that makes the final decision. 

You grab a quick lunch, choosing to not head home and instead to the gym for a workout. It may not be one of your wiser decisions to have an extensive training session today, but with the free time on your hand and the voices in your head, there’s really no better option. 

Meeting up with your trainer, which by the way bless his heart for booking you at the last minute, you gather your gloves and handwrap and head towards the equipment. It’s as you run through your normal warm-up that you reflect on how pathetic your life’s become. 

For the past three months, you’ve damn near ceased to exist. Yeah your body’s still here, you’re waking up in the mornings, attending practices, playing in games, all the good stuff really, but you know you’re not there. A feeling you’re all too familiar with. The lack of care of what happens to your body, the way your slide tackles and play gets just a tad bit more dangerous each game, the way you keep training, choosing to ignore the idea of a recovery period, the way your car’s more comforting to you than the apartment you own. You’ve been here before and it wasn’t a good place then and it sure as hell isn’t now, but it's all you know and the only thing that’s never really left, so you’ll cherish it for as long as you can. You know that if anything and everything leaves, as they always seem to do, you’ll still have your companion in the darkness.

The sane part of you realizes how far gone you are, it tries, tries so helplessly hard to pull you back, remind you that you can be okay, but this time? This time you’re sure you’ve given up on trying to remember that. So you’ll do what you know best. Let it consume you. Let it destroy you. Pick you apart piece by piece. Let you slowly forget the feel of a sunny day and a good practice with the team. Rid you of the joy that comes with the pretty sunsets London Colney sometimes has to offer. And this time you’ll let it all happen with open arms, truly, honestly, finally exhausted.

An hour later when your trainer’s calling it a day and forcing you to take a break, you listen, if only to spare yourself a lecture. You grab your stuff, shower, change, and head out. You’ve still got a couple hours left to kill, and with your training bag and boots still in your car, it’s not a difficult decision of where to go. 

Opening your car door and entering, you can feel the day catch up to you, your body readily sinking into the driver's seat, almost protesting against your mind. You know you’ll be feeling these workouts tomorrow, but your mind’s not done racing yet. 

Lacing your boots a short while later, back at the training grounds, you grab your spare ball and warm-up once again, going through the motions. With how many hours you’ve spent at the grounds alone, you’ve developed a pretty consistent solo training session. It's the peace of being alone, a football at your feet, and a near-perfect grassy pitch at your disposal that your mind slowly begins to slow, finally tiring.

You thought you got lucky, a finally tired mind and the hour changing to one acceptable enough for sleep, but then your phone rings, an all too familiar caller ID flashing the screen.

Eight pm after a match in the afternoon is an odd time for your coach to be calling you and with curiosity getting the best of you, you scramble to answer the phone. Running through the pleasantries, you gently prod the reason for his call. 

The answer you get isn’t what you were expecting really, but then again, it was a miracle it had taken this long for it to be said.

“Your contract’s ending soon. wrapping up the third and headed into the final year. Any thoughts on your future?”

The tone in Jonas’ voice causes your heart to sink. This club had been home to you since you had left your own. Arsenal had accepted you with open arms from the start, being your saving grace when you had thought you were going to be subjected to living a broken life at a place that never felt like home. When they had renewed your initial two year contract into another four, you had been elated for your future. You had never felt more excited to be tied down to a place before. taking a silent deep breath, you push back the memories of that day and swallow your emotions effortlessly.

“Depends. What's my future at Arsenal looking like?”

“You tell me. You of all players know that chemistry in a team is what makes a team run, what makes a team successful.”

His response tells you everything you need to know. You know he wasn’t oblivious to what had happened. How your outgoing personality had slowly stopped being exactly that. The way that you had pulled away from your teammates, treating them like nothing more than colleagues rather than friends, treating your job as what it simply was, your job. But you never expected him to have let it impact your presence on the team. You knew what you were worth and what you brought to the table. You weren’t a goal scoring machine, or defensive unit, a tough protective wall. You were you. You played all your minutes like they were the last you’d ever play, heart left of the pitch (not that there was much left of it anyway). You were content with setting your teammates up, leading the league in assists. You were a decent tackler, winning more than two thirds of your face-offs on the regular. You knew your worth on the team, and your agent reminded you of it often enough too, mentioning the potential offers you could have from other clubs regardless of how many times you’d told him you didn’t plan to leave.

“Our on pitch chemistry hasn’t changed. My on pitch chemistry hasn’t changed. We’re still a unit on the field Jonas and you know it. You know I have the utmost respect for you and this club, don’t let me think any differently.”

“A handful of clubs have reached out. Their offers are tempting to say the least.”

As much as it hurt you to say the next few words, you knew that taking any other stance would leave you stuck, broken for the umpteenth time. “I trust you to make the best decision for the club. At the end of the day, I wish nothing but the best for Arsenal.” 

The ‘with or without me’ goes unsaid but from the few years that you’ve worked with him, you knew for a fact that he had heard the unspoken words. As Jonas lets you know that while a decision had to be made, there wasn’t an immediate rush, you know for a fact that you’ll likely not be calling London home again. And when you both agree to reconnect a week from now, you’ve already accepted your fate. 

It’s an unusually silent drive home for you. The brief break you had earlier from your mind is long gone as you make a mental note to get in touch with your agent first thing tomorrow morning.

~

The post goes up after your last match of the season. While Arsenal had qualified for the Champions League once again, the team had gotten knocked out in the semis for the tournament, ending their season a few days early. It’s between the break of club football and world cup prep that your departure is announced, with no real destination said. If you hadn’t known that London wasn’t home for you anymore, the lack of a response besides an occasional story about the post from a few of your teammates solidified it. 

It's when Bayern upload their new signing post with you holding up your new jersey that the final nail in the coffin is hammered in. The way your move suddenly becomes real. The comments being said online. Speculation on why Arsenal decided to let you go despite your importance to their success. Why Bayern was who you chose. Why there was no lengthy farewell. The people were digging for any crumbs, any notions on why you may have left, but it was only you and your teammates that really knew, and you all chose to keep mum. 

It’s with the acceptance that you’re leaving do you feel absolutely unwanted and lost. And while you’d felt lost in your life before, it had never been like this. Feeling lost was when you were younger and couldn’t find your mother while at the toy store and when you had gotten your first failing mark in school. Feeling lost was when you were asked to leave your childhood home after coming out, no idea where to go. It was when you still got night terrors from the fights that your parents used to have even when you thought you had healed. But being lost had never felt like this. It had never reminded you that you had lost the only good in your life. That the only family you had ever loved didn’t want you anymore. That you hurt all those around you, people you promised to protect and love. That you had a gaping hole in your chest from a gun that you had fired. 

So as the weeks pass and the world cup comes and goes and you notice yourself slipping just a little more each day, you let it play out. You don’t know what your breaking point is but at this point you just don’t care enough to not find out, especially since you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself.

When you leave your bed early in the mornings, long before you need to be up just because sleep wasn’t coming to you and retire to bed later than you should just to avoid having to lay in a bed alone, you blame yourself. When you come home to an empty apartment in a new city, the loneliness amplified by the darkness you choose to adorn your apartment with, you have no one to turn to but yourself. And when you interact with your new teammates solely for work in fear of hurting them too, you remind yourself that you’re broken, only able to spread your misery rather than feel joy.

It never was supposed to be like this. Existing wasn’t supposed to be like this. But now it’s all you know and all you have. So when you wish you yourself could leave your body and soul behind, it wasn't hard to understand why she left you.

At the end of the day, when everything's done and gone, you at your core were a mess you didn't know how to control, a wreck of a soul, barely alive.

[s1l4s-l1k3s-t0m4t03s]

mike makes me feel so amazing not in a s3x><ual way, in a mental way. he isnt a "i know exactly what to say in every scenario!!! ill tell you i love you every 5 minutes!!" guy. he has aut¡sm and sometimes wont verbally tell me he luvs me. hes more of a "heres a box of mango jelly because 5 years ago you told me you like them. also here an empty pikachu can." thats his ily. and it means more to me than a plain ily i wont lie. also all his small things. hes always holding my hand, doesnt matter what. or holding me in some way. or i hold him sometimes. he lets me braid his hair alot and he doesnt let anybody else touch his hair. thats him saying ily. he will give up his ear defenders in public eating spaces for me even tho i dont ask, bc of my misophonia. thats him saying ily. if im regressed, he always asks if hes allowed to pick me up/any physical contact. thats him saying ily. hes very touchy, im not. he always asks. thats him saying ily. if im on his lap, hes always got his face burrowed in my shouldrr or back. hes not sad, he just wanrs to be close. thats him saying ily. he washes my binders when i forget. he has screenshots of how to do it properly. he did research on what i struggle with so he could help. he doesnt f0rce. he doesnt raise his voice. thats him saying ily. i got him tickets to a weird moth emporioum and he was so happy he went nonverbal. he was just stimming and grinning and pointing and when we went home he put his necklace on me for a bit. thats him saying ily. im very small and honestly tw¡nky next to him. he still introduces me as his bf. im ftm, hes never told anyone (its obvious tho) bc he knows its not his place. thats him saying ily

i could go on forever

[vaguely-yandere]

CHAMI tell me if you ever get tired of reading my long ass rambles AND ALSO don’t feel obligated to respond to it w somethjnf super long urself i know ur busy and it’s time consuming </3 IM JUST LETTING MY THOUGHTS OUT

anyways. WHAT ABOUT A ROYAL YAN AU??? or. you know what i cant decide who should be who so i’ll give you a couple scenarios bc im indecisive and i actually cant think properly ever so:

1. a yan whos next in line for the crown, oldest of all their siblings, someone who is meant to take over soon!! they’re getting hundreds of letters from noble men all over the country, trying to sell of their sons/daughters to their majesty!! royal yan ofc, doesn’t give one shit, instead, they’re in love with this one butler/maid/worker who occasionally bring them their meals, dress them, etc. etc. yes, you!! you’ve always felt like your majesty always payed extra special attention to you, always requesting you to accompany them through town, or maybe on a walk through the garden; even helping them during their bathing time (eek!!) but ofc, the queen/king would NEVER allow their candidate for the throne to marry a commoner, they have too much pride for that. cue royal yan possibly killing them off if they don’t let them do so?? they were getting old anyways!! this yans biggest problem is figuring out how to show their absolute devotion to you, despite them being expected to run an entire nation!! they might just have to ditch the crown and run away with an unsuspecting you <33 ANYWAYS THATS FORBIDDEN ROMANCE VER. 1

2. this time YOURE the royal, and yan is the servant!! maybe you’re not next in line for the throne, but you’re still a high ranking noble, who’s expected to marry someone of your stature. perhaps servant yan is your personal maid/butler; someone who wakes you up in the mornings (not without staring at you for a bit <33 youre just so cute when you sleep!!) and delivers your tea (they loooooooove watching you enjoy the small cakes and tea the kitchen prepared!! they made sure they had all your favorites plated <333) and someone who helps you bathe!! you insist you’re fine on your own, but they’re always there to make sure you don’t “drown in the tub”, which is funny since they never seem to be able to make eye contact with you as you wash up!! they’re always bright red, looking away nervously. honestly, why even bother asking to stay?? (it’s so that they can make sure no one else helps you out when you’re looking all sweet and vulnerable like that!!) a butler/maid yan who shreds any letters asking for your hand in marriage, only relaying the “necessary” messages to you. someone who will do their best to keep you their master forever, keep it you and them, your most loyal servant, FOREVER. it doesn’t matter if you feel like no one wants you, if no one’s asked you to marry them, if you’ve become a social outcast in the noble scene!! servant yan will always be there for you… and they’ll get rid of anyone who dares try to disrupt the dynamic you two have together!! AKA FORBIDDEN RKMANCE #2!!!

3. a noble yan whos sibling is the crown prince/princess, and who’s fiance (you) is someone they want. it’s just so unfair. first their sibling gets the throne, AND they get this sweet perfect fiance to be engaged to!! they don’t even love you that much, not as much as noble yan could!! it could be that their older sibling and you are deeply in love, it could be that you two aren’t!! it doesn’t matter. noble yan will view it wrong no matter what, you should be with THEM instead. they try to do anything to call off your engagement with their sibling so that they can swoop in and take you for themselves. of course they’d never want to ruin your reputation, but if spreading rumors is what they’d have to resort to in order to make you theirs, they might just have to do it. luckily, marriage standards for royal children other than the one next in line for the throne arent AS strict, so they could easily marry you even after your engagement was called off with their sibling. if anything, you should be grateful a noble, a member of the royal family no less, still wants you after all those mysterious, nasty rumors were spread about you!! hehe FORBIFDEN ROMANCE #3!!

4. and lastly. (i know it’s been a lot STAY W ME HERE!!) a NON forbidden romance between a noble yan and a noble you!! they just do their best to court you, sending over flower bouquets, writing love letters, gifting you jewels and land in your name. you’re unsure of how to react to such a passionate suitor, but you can’t help but like the attention!! i could see this route being the most healthy (if you could call noble yans obsession healthy) out of the 4, since you and noble yan stand on equal ground in terms of social status!! maybe this route will minimize conflict <33

probably not though, since noble yan is still, well, a yan.

- sunny!!

YANDERE SERVANT YANDERE SERVANT YANDERE SERVANT!!!! they dress you, they feed you, they tuck you in at night, they bathe you, they read to you, they are basically a second skin! raised together since birth, they love you and would do anything for you! getting you whatever you want, making whatever you want, killing potential suitors, all the normal things! ehehe just imagine how hard it would be for a yandere to be the one to always wash your back and hair for you and help you get dressed every day!!!

aaaa i love all of these ideas and i could NEVER grow tired of your long asks!!!! <3333333

[kandikidnep]

Hi im thinking too hard about homestuck again :3

When i was in highschool i had a friend (who im still in contact with!! Im 23 now lol) who was an avid Bro Strider defender. They were under the impression that he was supposed to be in his mid twenties during the time of the comic (still unsure of how they came to that conclusion, but hey we were kids) and that his actions are justifiable due to him not knowing how to raise a child bc he was a teenager when dave came in to his life. All of the arguments about that aside, im thinking about that now.

This is all in the format if i were writing an au, and takes place long before any of the events of the comic. Guardians placed near eachother bc fuck you they moved to their separate places after this

A just barely 16 year old bro finding a baby that looks a little too much like him for comfort on a meteor. Ignoring the meteor, what the hell is a baby doing on the sidewalk outside school? No parents to be seen, or really anyone else for that matter (did seriously no one notice a fucking meteor crashing down in front of a high school? Really?) this baby needs a guardian. But, fuck, hes 16. He cant raise a kid.So who does he turn to, his parents? Not with their current child raising track record. Maybe Mr Egbert, or Ms. Lalonde, two young teachers at his high school. But then what if they turn the little guy in to the cops? Bro only knew the harsh treatment he’d recieved from cops whenever he got in trouble. No… couldn’t put a baby with them. Besides, ms Lalonde has been smelling like alcohol recently. Theres the old whackjob down the road, but. He has a lot of guns, and goes on “hunting” trips a lot. No place for a baby. So, not really knowing of any other adults, bro is back to his parents. He thought of all the answers to all of the questions he could possibly think they would ask. “Where did it come from? Are you the father? Did you steal a fucking baby?” He responded to these potential questions While he was walking home, baby carried under his arm like a football. But when he got inside, his parents took one look at the child who, again, looked way too similar to Bro, and kicked the two of them out. They didnt let him get a single word in, almost like they were relieved for the excuse to be rid of him.

So yeah, he kinda hates this baby now. He was just trying to help the tiny dude, but all he got in return was homelessness. So, now what? Run away? Build a life together? Teach this child how to become an anime sword master, just like his dad? Wait, dad? Ew. No. He’ll probably tell the kid they’re brothers instead. But hey, if he ran away with this child he’d never have to deal with school again. That shit sucked. He wasn’t old enough to work in his area, but no one needed to know his age if he ran a website. He knew how to work around computers, and had taken a lot of video editing classes as extracurriculars. Hell, he even knew a bit about puppetry from one of them. Maybe he’d try to make videos… about puppets? I mean hey, sesame street is popular. He knew he wanted to do something less…. Childish though. He’d have to think about it.

Anyways, back to the baby literally in his hands. Kid needs a name. Something easy. Something cool. Bro said the first name to come to his mind, ‘Dave’. The baby gave him a solemn nod when he said the name, and bro knew it was destiny. Wait, was it a solemn nod or was it just a little baby movement that babies do for really no reason at all? Whatever. Destiny is cooler.

[cartoonemotion]

after a million years plus an addition million years post the show ending i am finally just now scribbling out my takes and stuff on fethry's immediate family a la how they would fit into dt17 canon

the breakdown in my mind is that all 3 of eider and lulubelle's children are Strange and Ambiguously Disordered (fethry taking the most after his mother) and also to some degree have inherited eider's legendary strength (abner being basically on par with his father and fethry as the baby and the runt of the three being much more close to just having normal person strength, though still a bit surprising for how noodly he is)

more specific points abt the family under the cut bc i dont want the post to be too long @_@

abner

definitely autistic (as 3 and also lulu are) but its like in that. i dont have healthy coping mechanisms to deal with how alienated from ppl i feel so im just gonna fish and carve wood and if anyone enters my space i will burn it down with both of us still inside it. way

that being said abner’s still plenty capable of being a compassionate guy deep down. he cares a lot about his family and takes whatever responsibility u entrust him with extremely seriously

comes off as emotionally stunted bc he doesnt really show affection in the “normal” way, including and especially physical affection and also. saying shit  out loud. he has his own love language its called * noncommittal groan of acceptance as you enter his house *

in my brain i know he should have a job but all i can think about is him fucking off in the woods so he doesnt have to talk with people. maybe one of those people who sit in towers all day to make sure forests dont burn down. i dunno

mary

loves acting and wants to be a professional stage/screen actor so bad but is unfortunately terrible at acting. probably been in like a few commercials or something

very very dramatic, im talking full comedy sketch of a julliard actor levels of melodrama and stage fainting, whether onstage or not. this makes it hard to tell if her reactions to things are genuine or not unless u are her brothers or parents who have been dealing with this forever

since the acting career is not really taking off Yet she has maybe ripped off 1 or 2 or 20 or so people maybe more just to keep the lights on. ironically when shes conning people she can actually act convincingly (my leverage fans out there. you know)

some of you will probably ask about dugan and while i do absolutely love dugan personally in my mind marys not ready nor interested in motherhood. so. maybe some day i will reveal my own dt17 dugan origin concept idk

eider

something of a local folk hero due to both his truly legendary strength and his equally strong inclination to lend his neighbors a hand, or really anyone else who may need a little help for that matter

as exceptionally goofy and loving as you could want any dad to be, though he can also be a bit stern when he needs to be, and a little prideful

in my mind i think it would be very cool if he had moved his family into granny elvira’s farm to give her a hand bc while shes a tough old woman everyone still needs a hand from time to time but i dont know if this contradicts any serious duck lore so forgive me

lulubelle

full loon baby ! none of this “looks like every other member of clan mcduck” shit !!! yes this includes the blood red eyes #epicloonwin

many make the mistake to count her as an absent minded spooky insane woman but this could not be further from the truth. she is very sharp-witted, observant, and is only spooky simply because its pretty near impossible to creep or gross her out, and even harder to full-on scare. and also because she makes long uninterrupted eye contact all the time

fethry definitely inherited a lot from her, but one of the main things they share is the tendency to cycle through all kinds of seemingly unrelated hobbies and interests; but much like fethry’s chief passion seems to be marine biology, lulu greatly enjoys botany and all it’s practical applications, as well as music

[chloefrl]

hi chlo baby, just wanted to let you know that you matter and a lot of people care for you (me the most i’m afraid so) and if you think about deactivating because you feel like tumblr has been draining you, then do so. i know how it feels and the urge to deactivate but you can tell me anything that has been bothering you and maybe somehow i can help and listen. also, i know it’s your decision but ever since i got back i was hoping to interact with you guys more (especially you ☹️) but i respect your decision if you leave this draining place aaaahhh just lmk where i can stay in contact with you please? 🫂🤍 !!!!

tumblr has been a huge distraction to me nowadays and i’m afraid i’ll be less online but just let me know how you’re doing. will try my best to be with u 🫶🏻

holy fuck anii😧😧🤍 jesus christ i love u so so so so so much<3

again, ill see how i handle things mentally and i recently created a blog just so i could vent about my feelings i dont really wanna bother anyone with my problems or make someone think im needy and im using them as a therapist (which is like my biggest fear) so, i dont think you should worry bc i dont want anyone (especially u ☹️🤍) to deal with my problems

but anyways, ofcourse if the day actually comes when i officially just deactivate ill obviously put up all my socials that I'd be very active on (except my private ones with my rl friends etc.) and ill let u know<3

theres a 50/50 chance for me, ill definitely try my best to fix up my fucked up schedule just so i could stay on tumblr 🙁 ive also thought that maybe i should quit writing since sometimes my fics flop 💀

[no-ctrl]

I often wonder why you chose to end our story the way you did… since I was not told and just ghosted from one day to the next I can’t help but blame myself. Now it is much easier to cope with these feelings but a little over a year ago I was shattered by your actions, or lack there of. On nights like tonight I want that comfort of telling you everything. I miss the domesticity of our relationship. I miss having a person to tell the mundane details of my life. I miss when you would comfort me when I was on my period (currently on my period so I feel this extra hard these days). I miss having someone I can confidently say I love and they love me back. I miss feeling wanted and needed. While I don’t know your reason as to you leaving me, nights like this I want to blame myself but I know it’s my insecurity filling in the blanks. It’s quite frustrating bc my heart feels something while my brain says something else. I want to break no contact ALL the time but I wasn't the one to walk away. i want to share my wins with you along with the losses. i miss when you were a safe space for me. now you are a stranger and it actually kills me. i want to tell you how i started school again and have has straight As so far but i also want to share how i just got laid off. i want to hug you. i want to cuddle you. Unfortunately you’re not even the Israel I want anymore bc the Israel that I loved wouldn’t have intentionally hurt in the way you did when you walked away from me last year. the guy i miss respected me as a woman and as a person. im tired of suffering, i want to be liberated from these feelings. I am tired of missing you. I’m tired of feeling this pain. While pride can be negative, my pride has protected me from breaking no contact. Something that has broke me deeply is how even me labeling out separation as no contact is me trying to not completely let go of this situation while you probably don’t call it anything and it’s just us being done to you. I get FRUSTRATED. I just wanted you Israel. Days like today I wish the world would just open up and swallow me whole. I don’t want to be separated. I don’t want to be without you. I miss your silly boyish tendencies. I miss your sweet and tenderness that was reserved for me. I miss you loving me in the way you uniquely loved me. I feel defective. I don’t want to start over with someone else. I want Israel. I am frustrated bc I’m just so damaged. I have abandonment issues from both my father and ex-boyfriend. I have mommy and daddy issues. I can’t imagine anyone loving me. Not even Israel could love me as I am. He left me while I was at one of my lowest points and genuinely that has damaged me more. I feel so unlovable. Why do I have to be the person crying at 1 in the morning over a year old heartbreak? I just want to be enough. Why am I not even enough for myself? I just want to talk to him. I wish I could hear his side of the story but it doesn’t even matter what he says bc nothing he says will make me feel better or make the situation any better. I’m frustrated bc I’m in just a state of hurt. Not just Israel but everyone. I hate everything. I hate how I feel, I feel like a loser and I feel like I have no purpose. I have no connection. I feel so insignificant and I wish I could just disappear bc even if I did it would not make a difference in the world. I feel like there is no place in the world for Jaymee. I want to disappear. I just want to be loved. I want to be chosen. I want to be someone. I’m no one. I wish I could just disappear. I literally just lost 2 job within 4 months. I just feel like a loser in all aspects. I cannot continue living a life like this. I want to be free.

[taeyungie]

em, well.. he called me today. the irony of it all is apparently when i was talking w/ that 1 guy after my ex years ago, i only told him cus he asked me out & i apparently said he didnt need to know that stuff and i dont remember ever saying that but he said he was hurt/caught off guard & therefore never shared any of his personal relations with me. i think i blacked those yrs out. i went thru a very bad & messy breakup and wanted a distraction, i don't remember him ever asking me out then but he said he remembered very well. i feel so fucking stupid. this basically all happened bc of me. and u were right, he said he /always/ had those feelings even after my ex but i felt they weren't there... so i never attempted anything until i built up our relationship again which is how it is now. but, the real kicker is.. i told him that i didnt want to be put in a position where if he was serious about me, that he'd talk to other ppl, but he said im basically asking for commitment and he cant give that to me unless i show that i'm willing to let him come see me or vice versa (which i just need more time for), until then, he's not going to tell me if he's messing with anyone but he said if things do get serious with someone, then he'll let me know to not lead me on. thats not what i wanted to hear. basically he's open to whatever happens with whoever, even if he cares deeply about me, but he cant promise to not talk to other ppl and i know its selfish, i just wanted him to wait for me, esp after all this time with trying and failing with wrong timings. the way he said "IF i get into a relationship, i'll tell u" gets me cause i'll only know if he makes it official, he said thats how its gonna be. and i honestly feel like i'll end up pushing him away cus the reality of that being possible hurts too much. he said he'll just have to accept it then. but even after talking i still feel as lost. i feel sad, ashamed i said those things i truly don't remember. but now i'm confused with my feelings. i know this is going to change everything. i can already feel myself wanting to pull away emotionally & put the guard i barely let down back up 😣

i am sorry sunshine :( but i'm really happy that you guys had the talk, you need to stay in contact with him no matter what, the silence can be the worst thing to do right now, so please try your best not to become closed off. the fact that you're both so hurt by this situation is so visible, my heart is breaking. although i really do understand both of you, and he is clear about what he expects and it's in your hands to decide what to do with it 🥺 you know... you have to understand that he is just trying to be happy too, just like we all do. it doesn't mean he only cares about himself, he was there for you through the bad times and he did wait for you, honey, but the thing happened years ago and he might be just tired of waiting, he just wants to find happiness and love too... i'm pretty sure he's probably just as hurt and confused by this situation as you are, but he cares about you and he wants to be with you, but maybe he cannot handle long-distance relationship, maybe he is tired of waiting, maybe there are other reasons he doesn't want to share because it's hurting him too much at this point, yeah? he probably started closing up on you because of that as well, that's why he stated his feelings in such harsh way. he probably doesn't mean to hurt you at all, he is just trying to protect himself.

so please, don't get me wrong, i may not be giving you the best advice or making you feel better which i'm really sorry for :( but i want to stay objective because the situation is tough, and help you understand how to deal with it, to look at your situation in a different light. I'm trying to guess what can be the issue and what you guys are going through, nothing I say is 100% right because I don't know the exact details and I will never know how exactly each of you is feeling. but what i know for sure is that one can stay strong for long enough, sweetheart :(

i understand that you might have blocked out the memories because of traumatic past and that is completely valid and I'm really sorry for what you went through, you deserve the best of love and care :( it's something he should be understanding about especially that he asked you out when you were still in pain, you probably weren't ready for something serious and i will allow myself to guess the guy you talked with was not considered as something you were serious about, right? you probably hoped for it, looked for it, but deep inside you probably might've been looking for a distraction, something to make you feel better, right? and since he was your best friend it was a different situation, although he probably chose to ask in a bad moment, he shouldn't blame you entirely for that and now act like it's all your fault, but i also understand why he was caught off guard and hurt by that, he was angry and jealous, he wanted to be with you and realizing you didn't choose him was probably very painful, although now he might feel like you realized you have feelings for him because you have no other options, and he wants you a strong and secure feeling from you to feel safe in it, but please don't get upset with my words, let me tell you something first, love.

Let me tell you a story, I myself also went through a similar thing and i also had to deny my best friend a long time ago, because of other reasons but one of the main ones was long distance, i never loved him but i cared for him that's another difference because your friend actually HAS feelings for you, but i know how my friend has felt when i kept explaining him why we can't be together, it made me feel terrible. yet, his feelings for me didn't lessen apparently, and to this day, sometimes, he still implies that his crush on me never went away. but in the meantime he was in many other relationships, serious ones and purely physical ones, while also not telling me much, i probably don't know about a lot but it's his life and not my business - my point is that, he also tried to be happy even while still actively hoping i would give him a chance, because he cares for me more than he does for the people he dated (but again in my story it didn't affect me because i never loved him that way). now picture yourself in our situation, he actually does love you but you guys can't be together right now because of some reasons, and he probably isn't feeling confident about your feelings for him because of the past events, which is why he asks you for "100% yes" or "100% no" right now. unless you give him an answer he waited for for a long time, he has the right to try and look for happiness elsewhere and not involve you in it, he might not be comfortable with sharing that he is having flings with others with someone he actually loves, simply because he doesn't want to hurt you, but it's just natural that he is looking for distractions, he is not looking for someone to replace you but he's also clearly not sure of your feelings for him, do you know what i mean now? he doesn't want the past to repeat, when he already waited for a long time, maybe tried to move on even. i know you don't want him to treat you like a 2nd choice and what i just said might look exactly like he's doing it but i personally don't see it that way, that REALLY is not the case, in my opinion it's the opposite and you are clearly his 1st choice, from what i deducted he also just told you that, but since you were/are out of reach he is trying to find other ways, even if it hurts him that they're not you.

don't close your heart up on him, honey. i know you're anxious and in pain, just try to understand his position, alright? you're both hurting a lot but you care for each other deeply and misunderstanding is not something that should be an obstacle, so please, the only way out of it is to talk to each other and be honest. maybe you could consider making some sacrifices to defeat things that stay in your way of saying "yes" , if relationship with him is something you truly want?

[yuzukult]

after midnight 03 (m) || jjk & reader

title: after midnight 03 - midday pairing: jeon jungkook x reader genre: angst, smut, fluff, fwb!au, fuckboy!jk, doctor!reader word count: 6.7k warnings: unprotected explicit smut a/n: help,,, this took longer than expected, and i'm not sure if i went the right route?? took a lot of guts to not deactivate bc of this stupid ass writer's block jk not really to not delete this chapter and rewrite from scratch without guilt, like all my fics :D hope you guys enjoy it!! (also im too fed up to proofread it so,,, sorry)

You’re not a psychiatrist, it’s not your specified profession. You don’t diagnose mental health—the moment your patients start showing signs, you’re to contact a specialist to handle the situation because technically, you’re not well equipped enough to deal with what happens after the moment of a scene.

But Jungkook has definitely gone insane and somehow it’s your responsibility to take care of it.

Scoffing in disbelief, you can’t help but glance at the clock yet again. It’s after midnight, a time you’re familiar with seeing Jungkook at, and the fact that it’s still this hour and he’s here is just evidence of a relationship that keeps making the same mistakes. “Why do you keep pursuing me? It feels repetitive. I say what I want, then you completely disregard it. Does it ever matter to you as to what I want?”

“Well, do you want me?”

“It’s not about you,” you snap, brows furrowing in frustration. It’s beginning to feel like anything you say to him goes into one ear and out the other. “It’s about what I want in my future, and what you can’t give me in return.”

“But you don’t even want that! You just think you want it because your sister is on her way to have it.” Tips of his ears reddening, the heat that lingers around his neck only gets hotter the more he speaks. “Why did you suddenly want to go this route? You wanted to be a career woman.”

“I can be both a career woman and a wife while bearing children, Jungkook.”

He clenches his jaw. “You never voiced this before.”

But something about your eyes—softening like a stick of butter that’s been left on the counter at room temperature, or the way that one tasty raspberry pastry you brought to his house on your nightly endeavors, the sweetness melting the second it touched his tongue. “To be completely honest with you, Jungkook, I never thought I would have the opportunity to.”

The look on your face haunts his dreams that night, the glint in your eyes is displayed for all his heart aching purposes. He never thought in his life that he’d come to this—begging his own fuck buddy to stay. To fucking stay with him, and not to even take a minute to steal a glimpse at someone else. If it was another girl, he’d be quick to say he could move onto the next in a heartbeat but something about you specifically has him drawn like a magnet.

Hand resting underneath his head while on his pillow, his eyes are glued to the ceiling of his bedroom. There’s emptiness that inhabits his bedsheets, it seems to be missing you and your curled up frame beside him while snoring away from a long day at work. It’s all fun and games, but you’ve always been the exception; the “sore thumb” in that simile everyone uses, the one in his life that somehow defeats all of these rules that he’s set for himself. When you tell him, “we don’t have to be exclusive, but I won’t sleep with anyone else,” never sits well with him, and when your terms became, “you still need to get properly tested if you’re seeing other girls,” he decides that wasting his time with other girls weren’t worth it and he’d just… stay loyal to you.

But what prompts him to do that—he’s not actually sure.

You’ve done what a lot of other girls haven’t done: slept over the entire night, somehow managed to earn a top drawer in his dresser, there’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom, and your favorite mug sits comfortably in his cabinets, designated only for you to use.

There’s even a time where Jungkook’s friend, Jimin, drops by and compliments that stupid mug of yours and asks if he could use it. Jungkook couldn’t say no fast enough.

These are things he would’ve been put off by if it were someone else. He’d tell them to leave, to stop trying to push a space into his heart when he doesn’t want anyone residing there. So… why is he reluctant for you to leave, when you’re the one doing it willingly?

Was it his ego? No, he doesn’t think it could be. Jungkook knows what a hurt ego feels like, but this is entirely something else.

Maybe he likes you? Well, of course he does. You’re cool. He’s never met a girl like you before—not to make you seem like you’re “not like other girls” but he means it in the way that you know what you want, and you don’t spend a lot of time trying to sugarcoat it either. You’re unapologetic for expressing how you feel, but you’re also very easy to make compromises with.

But, that’s a lot of people right? Jimin is like that. Yoongi is too. He likes having friends like that.

Albeit, he doesn’t want to be… just your friend?

Particularly more, hence why he’s so okay with how things are now, but he’s left puzzled because he doesn’t like relationships. He doesn’t like the burdens and obligations that come with it, but for some reason, when he thinks of you… those things suddenly don’t feel… that way?

Jungkook shakes his head. It’s easier to forget that. But he can’t control himself—whenever you say that you don’t want this anymore, something inside of him comes out, some possessive green eyed monster that overtakes his senses.

Maybe he does like you.

Maybe… Jungkook has to come to terms with the fact that this feeling he has for you is… actually okay.

Or not. It should definitely not be okay.

To your surprise. Jungkook approaches Dr. Hyunjin on a regular, boring Wednesday (probably with the intention to grind your gears), and part of you is glad that he doesn’t spot you behind the nurses’ station.

“Hey, uh… I’m looking for a specific doctor here,” Jungkook says, but it’s not a question and also not really a statement either. But when your name escapes from his lips moments after, Dr. Hyunjin’s face brightens in recognition, and something stirs in Jungkook’s stomach. This doesn’t feel good.

“Oh, she’s just over there. I’m Dr. Hyunjin. Is there a reason for your visit? Who are you to her?”

“Other than gettin’ my stitches out, you could say she’s my girl.”

Cringing at the possessiveness his sentence holds, you crawl out from behind the counter with an apologetic look toward Dr. Hyunjin. “Sorry, doc, uh, this is my patient, Jungkook. Don’t mind him.” Turning back to the boy, you scowl. “Come back later, I’m busy.”

Jungkook shakes his head smugly. “Nah. I came to see you, so... Imma see you.”

“Well, since she’s busy, I could always undo your stitches, Jungkook,” Hyunjin has such a pearly white smile that matches his eyes, bright and sparkly like he’s some perfect model in a magazine. He doesn’t even need photoshop, that’s how handsome he is. The more Jungkook notices the prince-like qualities of Hyunjin, the tighter Jungkook clenches his jaw. “If that is, you don’t mind?”

Jungkook doesn’t like Dr. Hyunjin, and he doesn’t want his stitches to be taken out by some nurse or him. He wants just you, and you only.

“I’m good,” he snaps, gesturing to you. “I could just stay here ‘til she’s free.”

You sigh heavily. “Jungkook, this is the ER. It’s busy my entire shift, plus more. I don’t have time for your shenanigans, I have other patients to tend to.” The glare you strike at Jungkook doesn’t faze him one bit, in fact, it entices him to strengthen his stance.

“I can wait for you, baby.”

This changes something in Hyunjin, promptly straightening his posture from resting against the wall. “You know what, I’ll take care of your next patient. You can help Jungkook here, he seems to be more comfortable with you.”

Before you could say anything else, Hyunjin already had his focus narrowed onto the patient charts that you were aiming for next, earning a defeated expression upon your face. “I—Alright, then. Thanks, again, Dr. Hyunjin.”

He turns to sneak a glance at you with the warmest smile on his face. “For you, call me Hyunjin.”

Laid back on the bed, Jungkook takes off his shirt swiftly, throwing it onto the chair in the corner of the room without care. His eyes suddenly aren’t glued to you like they normally are, attention diverted out the door and onto Dr. Hyunjin. “What’s up with that guy?”

Pulling the latex gloves onto your hands, your brows furrowed at his abrupt question. “What guy?”

“Dr. Hyunjin,” he says in a mocking tone, his nose twitching along with his words. Jungkook doesn’t know much about that guy, other than he’s got this lovestruck gaze when he looks at you, like you’re the prettiest girl in the world. In Jungkook’s mind, only he is allowed to look at you like that, even though he has made claims he doesn’t like you in that way. “What kind of doctor lets his patient call him by his first name?” He scoffs. “Totally unprofessional.”

“He likes getting personal with his patients,” you reply casually, rolling a stool by the bedside. “It helps get them to trust him since they’re going to be under his care. It can be difficult trying to get patients to trust their doctors.”

“I trust you. But you don’t have me calling you some weird name—”

“Does that really count though? We knew each other prior to that,” quirking a brow, you drag your metal tray table closer as you take a seat. “Why are you even asking about him? Did he say something that got under your skin?”

“Yeah,” he exhales, watching the way Hyunjin speaks tenderly towards the patients, and the hospital employees that pass by. Jungkook’s head then shoots in your direction. He’s been so distracted by the doctor that he doesn’t even realize that you’ve reached for the tweezers, ready to unravel the stitches in his abdomen. “You know, he asked me who I am to you..”

You freeze, barely even grabbing a piece of the thread. You heard fragments of the conversation, but was there more? “... What did you say when he asked?”

“Of course I told him we were seeing each other,” he sneers, in disbelief that you would even ask that. “Are you interested in that guy?”

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. There’s a lot of reasons why you don’t talk about your personal life at the hospital—the main reason being that word travels fast between the thin pieces of drywall of this place; it’s the only source of entertainment since what broadcasts on those small yet thick CRT televisions that require antennas to get signal. Shows on there are practically on repeat; the same several episodes of a few shows are on a loop and action news channels. But who wants to hear segments on horrible things occurring in the world all the time?

Deciding it’s best to cool down, you resume grabbing each knot in his well-healed wound gently. “Jungkook, I don’t like people knowing what’s going on in my life here. Plus, we’re not even really together. Does it matter if I’m interested in Dr. Hyunjin? Now I have to clear the air between us.”

Jungkook snarls at the name. “Hell yeah it matters. I also want to know why you keep rejecting me whenever I ask you to be my girlfriend?”

“Because you don’t want a relationship, Guk. You say it like a religious chant except you don’t believe in God unless you’re talking about yourself— ‘I don’t do labels.’ Remember that? Because I do. It’s exhausting having to repeat myself and continuously having this same conversation again.”

Of course he remembers that. Not only because you always bring it up at every chance you could get, but because when he contemplates the relationship between the two of you, the answer is always right there in his face. You’re gorgeous, there’s no doubt about it, and you’re smart, curious, and considerate so effortlessly. To put it shortly, you’re sort of the whole package.

You’re the girl that parents are impressed with when brought home. A doctor, for one, highly intelligent while able to hold conversations about things like politics, higher education, social issues and so on, but at the same time, you don’t have a problem with talking about the simpler things in life, like television shows or even stupid memes that everyone comes across on Instagram.

And the thing is, Jungkook doesn’t like girls that make his parents proud.

But strangely enough, he likes you.

“I want the label this time,” he admits candidly, hand finding purchase on your wrist to halt your movements. There’s some truth in his words, but mostly uncertainty. He’s never done this before. “I want to be your boyfriend—the whole shebang or whatever.”

There’s something about those swirls of dark chocolate that he calls eyes, dreamy long lashes that brush against the heights of his cheeks in slow motion while your heart does the opposite and palpitates endlessly. He’s soft, dulcet gaze locked onto yours, charms practically bait to swoon you over. But this is Jungkook, all games, no seriousness. Even this moment of daze won’t get you caught in this tangle of lies. Fuck boys stay fuck boys.

Composed, you unravel the boy’s grip off you. “Cute, Jungkook. You actually should consider auditioning for roles or something, I almost believed you for a second.”

Those girls at clubs wearing skin tight dresses or skirts that were so short he could see their panties without them bending over entirely, the ones that circled around him, gawking and giggling endlessly at his stories about the scars on his body while “coincidentally” showcasing his toned body to them, and the nurses that practically pounce on each other just to sew stitches of his stab wound together were all just… women. They’re the women he’d in the past consider as one-night stands, ones he’d flirt with while alcohol infiltrated his system, and ones he’d hoped to never see outside of the bedroom or at a nightclub. They don’t hurt his feelings, despite him hurting theirs.

But the way you disregard his comments so easily, the way you crinkle your forehead while in concentration, or how you make cooking seem as simple as brushing your teeth in the morning, and the way you walk as if unaffected by anything, unaffected by him in particular, boils Jungkook’s blood. Or the way you annoyingly have a rebuttal for whatever it is he decides to spit out that day because more often than not, Jungkook likes to make douchey comments. But when your words are sharp, his feelings get a bit hurt.

There’s things about you that he hates yet loves at the same time, and truthfully, ever since you said you wanted something serious, the thought of your hand in his is starting to sound tempting.

“What do I have to do to convince you that I actually do wanna date you?”

Pulling out the last knot of thread, you let out a laugh before jokingly answering, “Date someone seriously.”

Challenge accepted.

Well, sort of.

Jungkook doesn’t see himself with any other woman, no matter how hard he tries. He’s not a hopeless romantic, quite the opposite, because before you, he never even could imagine someone under his arm. He doesn’t think like those guys who only see one woman in their lives—but rather an abundance of them, all in queue to be his. Albeit lately, it’s just been you that’s running through his mind lately. But what’s strange is that these past couple weeks, he also… kind of wants to try harder for you, in order to impress you and show you his worth.

But it’s weird. Because yes, he’s coming to terms that this might be what he wants—whatever this is with you—but he doesn’t like the looks of it. It makes him seem weak, fragile, and domestic, the last thing he wants to be seen as.

“Alright, then let me date you seriously.”

You glance up at the boy. “That wouldn’t be proving anything to me, would it? You’d just be doing what you want to do. You don’t want what I want.”

“You keep saying that, but you’re not giving me a chance here,” he says, exasperated. “Like… lemme get a shot at this or something, try whatever that shit you’re drinking that’s got you so loopy in the head. Bring me as a plus one home, to meet your parents and whatnot. See what kind of relationship your sister has, what kind of dynamic your family has, and maybe I’ll be roped in too.”

“Jungkook,” you sigh, shoulders slouching. “That’s a lot to take in. I’m not asking you to do any of this, you realize that, right? There’s no obligation, there’s no request. I know that you’re not into it, so I’m not gonna probe. So why do you keep probing?”

“I… I’ll be honest. I don’t know. But let me try or something.”

You don’t say anything for a couple seconds, letting the silence bleed through the room while you’re sinking into your thoughts. If you don’t let him at least try, he might never really know or understand what it is that you want. He may even feel more motivated; he’ll believe that he knows you best (he just knows your body best, to be quite frank, not your emotions), and continuously probe you and practically second guessing everything.

But the thing is, it’s not your job to show or elaborate what you want. He’s just a fling, nothing else.

Just a fling that makes your heart skip a beat, flush with jealousy when he’s with another girl, and intriguingly think of him during parts of the day when something reminds you of him.

Did you.. Like him?

Quickly, you shake your head from letting your thoughts drift off and cross your arms on your chest. Maybe it’d be easier if it was just Jungkook, instead of having to go online to find dates, ask friends for a “connection,” and even resort to embarrassingly asking your mom to set you up. If not Jungkook, then it has to be those options. “Saturday morning. Pack an overnight bag, and be ready around 7am. Be prepared—this isn’t some regular hookup where you accidentally meet their parents in the morning. This is my parents, and you’re doing this because you want to try, right? Well, here’s your shot. Start trying.”

“God, so you got daddy issues or something cause you fuck so good.”

Fuck, if you don’t wanna choke him so badly. And not in that kinky shit way either.

Nothing is more stressful than bringing your boyfriend to meet your parents.

And it slightly makes it worse that he’s not even officially your boyfriend.

Your anxiety levels are off the charts; hands perspiring, heart racing, and stomach churning are symptoms for it. Just the thought of your mother’s reaction when she sees Jungkook nearly has you shivering in fear, more afraid than when you were twelve and standing in an auditorium full of people for a spelling bee competition, and ending up spelling “daily” wrong because you misheard it for “dairy.” Or during med school, when you’re presenting to a classroom full of renowned doctors who would definitely talk shit and ruin the path of your inexistent career before it even started.

“What’s up with you?” Jungkook asks, shifting in his seat on the passenger side of your car. It’s a little weird seeing him in that spot, especially since… the two of you rarely ever go anywhere together except to each other’s apartments. “Why do you look so… jittery?”

“I’ve never brought home a boyfriend before,” you admit awkwardly, adjusting your seat belt strap for the thirtieth time. Traffic hasn’t moved in a couple minutes, and your impatience is gnawing at your insides. “My parents are a bit… strange. My sister too. They’re traditional in their ways but they’re also not?”

“And you’re… telling this now,” he says it jokingly, but the tone goes over your head because you’re falling into quicksand full of consternation.

“Do you want me to turn back?”

“What? No, it was a joke.”

“It didn’t sound like a joke—”

“Baby,” Jungkook calls you out sternly, watching as your forehead crinkles in confusion. The use of the term of endearment is different this time around, not utilized sexually or flirtatiously, but comfortingly. And peculiarly enough, it’s working. “Want me to drive? You seem tense.”

Releasing a deep breath, you finally relax your shoulders and let your body melt into the driver’s seat of the car. “I’m a bit nervous.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Jungkook pauses for a moment, tapping his fingers against the pane of the window for what seems like ages, but he finally speaks, shattering the glass of silence. “Listen, maybe I pressured you into this. You never forced me to be more with you, but I’m practically pushing you out of your comfort zone here. If I’m overstepping boundaries, just say something, and I’ll be more than happy to grab a cab home.”

Well… that’s… surprising.

Jungkook doesn’t normally converse with that tone—you’re actually not sure if he’s ever spoken to anyone in that manner. He’s not often respectful; words that spew out of his pretty boy lips are often sharp jabs, sexual compliments, or plainly attempts at pick-up lines that only work on girls that swoon over his looks. But… he’s been oddly divergent lately, and whether or not it’s a good thing, you’re not entirely sure.

“I’m, uh, okay, Jungkook. If I wasn’t good with this, I wouldn’t have picked you up this morning.”

He clears his throat, as if he knows what he previously said was out of character. “Uh, right, yeah. Of course. You’re not the type to let people walk over you.”

You roll your lips, hiding that soft smile that begs to be released. He’s… sort of… sweet? This is abnormal. Has he been hiding this side of himself the whole time? “I’m a little worried for you, though. You’ve never met my parents before, nor my sister, and they could be a bit… uh… a lot.”

“A bit a lot?” He mocks, a quiet chuckle escaping from his chest after.

“Yeah. Something like that. You see me, and when you meet them, it might be a little shocking that we’re related.”

“It can’t be that bad, can it?”

Oh, boy. Jungkook wasn’t even sure what he was expecting, but truthfully, it might’ve not been… this?

Standing in the front lawn of a single home, he’s learning that this place is your childhood home. The exterior of the house is painted in both pastel pink and baby powder blue, plethora of colorful flowers decorating the perimeter, and even the cars in the driveway were a shade of neon yellow and orange. Was this a Dr. Seuss book? It’s got that white picket fence that you’re always talking about, surrounding the lawn of a house that looks like the ones you’d see in old Disney Channel movies located in the suburbs, and honestly—he’s taken aback because this does not look like where you grew up.

“Is that—oh my gosh, it’s my big sister!”

When you said that it might be surprising that the two of you are siblings, you really meant it. There was no sugar coating it because she’s completely the opposite; hot pink hair, tight black and white checkered leggings, and a purple shirt to match, it’s quite clear that your sister is… flamboyant, as you remained rather… neutral.

“Hey, Suji…” in comparison, you’re less enthusiastic than she is, especially when Suji wraps her arms tightly around your frame. Physical touch hasn’t always been your strongest suit (unless it’s during sex, but that’s another story for another time). “It’s been a while.”

“Oh my god, it has! Mom would be so excited to know you actually came! You know, she thought that you weren’t going to come, especially since you’re not engaged or married or even have a—oh, who… is this?”

Jungkook waves awkwardly, a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. “Uh, hey. Jeon Jungkook, your sister’s boyfriend.”

She gasps like she’s run out of air, her smile tugging wider on her face as she releases her hold on you and onto Jungkook instead. “Incredible! I never knew you had a boyfriend! Mom thought that you would still be stuck on that “independent woman” mindset and never settle down! Look at that! You proved her wrong!”

With a pained expression, your shoulders slouch. “I mean, it’s not… I—”

“Don’t worry, she can still settle while being an independent woman,” Jungkook adds, for a brief second, his eyes lock onto yours and there’s this slight glimmer in them. “But uh, it’s nice to meet you… Su—”

“Suji! I’m Suji. The baby of the family. Oh! You’ll get to meet the rest of the gang, and my fiance! You guys are so going to get along.” And with that, she bolts to the house faster than any Olympic runner, and Jungkook lets out a breath that he doesn’t realize he’s been holding the entire time.

“Wow, that…”

“Was a lot? Yeah, I know,” puffing up your cheeks, you’re reaching to retie your hair once again. “Do you think you’ll be okay? I mean… you’re always welcomed to back out. I’m not asking you specifically to be more with me, I’m just… looking for someone to be more with.”

“You keep saying that but you haven’t even given me a shot yet.” Irritated, he reaches for your bag on the floor and slings it onto his back. “Now, let’s go and not leave your parents waiting any longer. I’m sure they’ll be just as thrilled as your sister.”

Lips pursed, legs closed tightly together, and hands resting on your knees, you’re bouncing on the balls of your feet while seated, awkwardly watching your parents observe Jungkook.

This sight is amusing, you have to admit, because Jeon Jungkook doesn’t look like the type to meet anyone’s parents. He’s the epitome of who you don’t bring home, the typical “fuck boy” that won’t treat your daughter well, the guy that your parents don’t trust, and here he is, sitting across your parents with the goal of trying to somewhat impress them.

It’s hard to withhold the snort that comes out your nose.

“Something wrong, dear?” Your mother asks, batting her lashes. “I hope you forgive me for being a bit appalled that you brought someone home.”

“Just a boyfriend, mom. Not like we’re getting engaged soon,” you can sense your sister’s eyes flickering up at the mere sound of the word, obsessed with her upcoming wedding. “We’re just dating.”

“It’s not an act, is it? Because I heard about those kids who bring home their friends for the weekend in hopes to persuade their parents that they’re seeing each other, but they’re not, in fact they’re close friends and—”

“Mom, we’re dating. Is that hard to believe?”

“Yes, can you blame me though? You’re all about that ‘independent woman’ shenanigans, what am I supposed to expect?” She clicks her tongue before getting up, moving the plate of cookies over to Jungkook. “Nonetheless, you’re a sweet boy, Jungkook. I won’t force you to stay in a room with her, I can always set up the guest bedroom—“

“Uh, that’s not necessary,” he retorts stiffly, slightly fearing what she’d say next. He’s learning that your parents don’t have the typical dynamic that he’d expect; a quiet father without many opinions (although this might be a more common trait than he thought) and a mother who didn’t believe that her boyfriend was actually her boyfriend. Well, sort of. But the two of you weren’t in a fake relationship. “We've, uh, shared a bedroom several times at my apartment, if that’s convincing enough. We’re not pretending, if that’s what you’re getting it.”

Your mother grits her teeth. “Fine, if it makes the two of you feel better. But I’m not happy if I find out that you’re lying.” Brushing off her crumby hands on her pants, she pushes the dining table chair in. Meanwhile, you discreetly grab a piece of the cookie but your mom shoots a glare. “Means that I don’t have to tell Hyunae to sleep on the couch.”

Nearly choking on the cookie in your mouth, the remnants slip out your mouth. “What? Hor-I mean, cousin Hyunae is staying?”

“Ah, did I forget to tell you? Her parents are housing some of the family members, so I thought I’d be so kind and take her in here. You and Jungkook should be fine, yes?”

Uh, you’re not fine. At least, that’s what Jungkook speculates when you’re tossing your suitcase onto the bed, flipping the clasps open and shuffling through your things aggressively.

“Uh, what’s wrong?”

“Horny Hyunae is here.”

Jungkook coughs at the sudden explicit nickname, plopping himself in the armchair placed in the corner. You’re not usually this rash, but it seems like another side of you is coming out when your family is around. “H-Horny Hyunae?”

You puff your cheeks. “Yeah. That bitch is such a hoe, she steals any man in her sight that might be even remotely attractive. She stole the last three dates I brought to family weddings.”

“She stole a man from you? But babe, you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever met. I mean, look at your body, that sultry glare you’re always giving me, and not to mention that you’re a fucking doctor. Fuck. I’m horny too. Take off your pants—“

You scowl. “Jungkook—“ A knock on the door interrupts your jab at Jungkook.

“Did you lock the door?”

“No, I thought you did?”

It swings open and your biggest enemy stands in the threshold, in that skimpy dress she calls a nightgown (it’s too skintight to be one) with her hair looped up in a bun. Candidly speaking, Jungkook thinks Horny Hyunae is hot.

But being wholeheartedly honest, he’d rather watch you in those scrubs at the hospital, clipboard in hand with a stray piece of hair blocking your face. Now that is what Jungkook calls supertastic, amazingly hot.

“Cuzzo! You should’ve greeted me earlier!” Hyunae says, but her response is like through a clenched jaw, almost irritated immediately in her presence. “Would’ve been better if the child of the house greeted her guests.”

“Nah, I’m good.”

She sucks in her cheeks, but the instant her eyes land on Jungkook, a lightbulb appears above her head. “Oh, uh, and who is this?”

Jungkook promptly gets up from his seat, and his swiftness has your blood boiling. He’s been acting so different since the two of you got here, being especially nice, and you’re not even sure you like this side of him. It feels like a detachment of Jungkook, like you’re asking him to be something he’s not.

Extending his hand with a signature bright grin, he gives her a firm shake. “Jeon Jungkook. Your “cuzzo’s” boyfriend.”

Horny Hyunae scoffs, brows raised with a look of disbelief. “Boyfriend. What about that ‘independent woman’ journey you were always talking about? Made your mom all pissy and upset because you told her you weren’t looking to settle down any time soon. Is Jungkook here just to pretend that you have a relationship so she’d get off your back?”

“Why does everyone think that?” The same question popped into Jungkook’s head. “Do you think I’m incapable of finding someone who likes me?”

“Oh please. If you really cared about your relationship with this hottie, you wouldn’t be trying to start a cat fight with me here, right in front of him. Are you not worried about what he thinks about you?”

She doesn’t deserve to know the nature of yours and Jungkook’s relationship—the constant pining that’s been happening recently, the fact that he’s the one that willingly chose to come here with you, and that the moment you mentioned you wanted something more with anyone that doesn’t have to be him, Jungkook wanted to take things to the next level.

Hyunae thinks you don’t have worth. (But enough to try competing with you, it seems).

“I’m… okay with this. Kinda like how fierce she’s getting, if anything, it’s kinda hot.” Your nose scrunches up at the wording of his response, but Jungkook is Jungkook, so his intentions are good but his execution is terrible. “Plus, we’re all human. She’s allowed to change her mind. If she decides that she wants to settle now, something different from the route she wanted before, it should be fine.”

That is not what Jungkook said to you the past few conversations you had about breaking off your relationship. He’d been adamant about advocating for the life without marriage and kids, without the whole single home with that stupid white picket fence you keep talking about. Why is it suddenly that he’s making it sound like he’s been supportive of your goals the entire time?

“Mmm, I guess,” she states calmly, but only because it’s toward Jungkook. “Well, then I’ll leave the two of you friends to get ready for dinner.” With that, she leaves with a slam of the door and you’re nearly pulling out your hair at the thought of seeing her again.

“She’s fucking insane.”

“Why does everyone think that we’re in a fake relationship?” He asks, tilting his head. “Like, you’re fucking smokin’ hot. Hell, I’ll even make a baby with you if you want.”

The two of you freeze.

“I mean—”

“I’m gonna forget you said that.”

Was… fucking Horny Hyunae making a move on your boyfriend right now? Or sorta boyfriend. Whatever the fuck Jungkook was to you.

Clicking your tongue tempestuously, you shoved your hands into the pockets of your leather jacket. This bitch has gotten bolder, you think, because despite the many guys she’s attempted to snag from your other cousins and family members, the fact that she’s stepping on your toes again means she’s testing you on purpose. The glint in her eyes when she glances over at you, that slight smirk that pulls on her lips and that obnoxious hair flip off the shoulder while batting her lashes are only proof of it.

She likes the competition. And you’re the only one in the family that’s a worthy enough candidate.

Nonetheless, this is a personal test. Would Jungkook break whatever this is that you have going on just to get a quick smash from Hyunae, or did he genuinely mean it when he said he wanted to go for this?

But at the same time, you don’t want to think so lowly of him. He’s been acting… disparate, in comparison to his usual blunt and disgusting comments, even though they do slip from time to time, often targeting your figure and how good you are in bed, he’s opted for kinder and gentler words, and even… comforting you when you need someone? Who was he and what did he do to the Jungkook you met in the city?

“So, Jungkook, what do you do in your free time?” She asks, twirling a piece of her hair, doe eyes while standing in the middle of the living room with your somewhat-boyfriend.

“Uh, my friend is an artist, so sometimes I attend his events. I like his work so, I sometimes incorporate it into mine—” Hyunae doesn’t even let Jungkook finish before she’s grabbing his arm, pushing his sleeves up to admire the tattoos that decorate his arm.

“And what about these?”

Jungkook quirks a brow. “What about them?”

“Tell me about them. What are these tattoos, Gukkie?” Gross, did you almost vomit in your mouth?

“Uh,” he slid her hand off his arm, rubbing his nape awkwardly. “Jungkook is fine, I’m not really cool with that nickname. They’re just tattoos I like, nothing more, nothing less,” he replies, lying through his gritted teeth. “Thought a sleeve would look cool on me.”

“But my cuzzo calls you Gukkie,” she pouts, shoulders dropping. She made that off the top of her head—you’ve never called him Guk or Gukkie since you’ve gotten here.

“She actually calls me Guk, but only when she’s feeling nice.”

Hyunae rolls her eyes, dramatically throwing herself off. “See what I mean? She’s such a bitch. She leaves home for college, decides to be a doctor so she’s gone for years, argues with her mother about not getting married and how she’s supposed to just take care of herself and brings you here! Just to get us all off her back. I’m sorry, Gukkie, that she’s put you through all that, but we see right through those lies and me and you could be a thing.”

“Ho-” He almost says ‘horny’ because you say it so frequently, “Hyunae, I appreciate what you’re getting at here, but I think I’m set. I came here for her, in case you forgot, and the whole point of this trip was for her to give me a shot, to show her that she doesn’t need to settle with the other dudes when she’s got me.”

That was… kind of nice to hear.

Actually, it’s more than nice.

In fact, it’s so goddamn night that you reward him. You even let him be vocal this time; with your parents bedroom across the house and sharing a wall with Hyunae, what’s better than fucking hard enough that your bed creaks, the frame slamming against the wall, and the delicious whimpers escaping from Jungkook that are all for you.

“How was the blowjob earlier, baby?” You’re teasing, grabbing his chin in between your fingers so he’d lock his eyes with yours. Your wet, bare pussy is rubbing against his dick that sits predominantly against his stomach, tip red and angry, begging to be in you again. “Did you enjoy it?”

“I did, that was, until you decided it’d be better to let go before I could finish,” he shoots you a look, and you don’t hesitate to replicate it. “Hurry up, I’m fucking horny. I’ve been wanting it since I got myself all worked up earlier, talking about how hot you are, and how you’re a doctor—” his dick twitches at the thought again, “—fuck, you’d look so good with your scrubs pulled down below you ass, bent over in that new office of yours and—oh, fuck, baby, we gotta do it sometime.”

You’re not gonna lie. The thought has been planted in your head before.

Pressing your forehead against his, lips brushing over his own, your hand reaches down below to align yourself at his tip, slowly sinking down and grinding your hips against his.

“Oh, fuck, finally,” he says in relief, like he’s the luckiest guy in the world to be stuff deep inside of you. He likes being in control, without a doubt, and when he was with other girls, he always found himself having to be the dominant one. He had to top, have these girls faces dug into the sheets, ass up with his hands groping them, but something about you has him entranced by the way you look with the streetlights from outside peer into the window, shining on your sweaty, shiny naked smooth skin, and face full of pleasure all because of him.

“Can I go harder?” Do you even have to ask? He nods wearily; the feelings that seem to linger all around him is suffocating, like he’s full of something more blissful than sex. And when you get on your knees, hands flat against his chest before fervently moving your hips, it’s like the breath is being sucked from his lungs. Jungkook lets out the softest groan, but it’s not good enough for you, it seems, because you dip your head close to the side of his, whispering a gentle command. “Louder, baby.”

The bed squeaks and thuds against the wall behind it with each movement; Jungkook’s hand has a grip on your hips, desperately wanting to go faster but he loves seeing you here, on top of him, and in basic words—putting him in his place.

It’s almost like you read his mind, or that he’s gotten lucky that you’re a exhausted after a long day despite being excited enough to start off sex, but there’s that signal you give him, a kiss on the nose, and he’s already flipping you over on the bed.

“Let’s show Horny Hyunae that we’re definitely not in a fake relationship.”

← previous chapter || next chapter →​​

[silkgonerough]

Astrology Observation/rants? #1

❤️I’ve noticed that people who have venus unaspected in their chart are incredibly attractive idk why???

👸Moon trine/conjunct venus is such a nice placement to have in regards to people in general but especially to the opposite sex. I feel like ppl tend to treat you more gently and kindly bc of it’s feminine energy. It gives a prince/princess charm to the natives mannerisms bc they’re so kind and warm! Men with this placement are kind of babied and seen in higher regards by women (especially older women!!) and the women are kind of protected and nurtured through men. This also goes both ways where women with this placement probably have amazing relationships with other women and the guys are that one friend who has a lowkey bromance with all of his friends lol,, It’s rlly hard to see these ppl in a malefic or fearful light.

🙎‍♀️Moon in Scorpio females have eyes that can pierce through your soul

💆Men with Aquarius venus and Capricorn Mars are top tier

👄Women with Scorpio venus are usually very pretty and sexy and known for their sex appeal if famous

💅Capricorn + gemini venus or rising women are really pretty and make great models

👯‍♀️Lilith in eighth house is considered a sex symbol placement (Brigitte Bardot, Elvis Presley, Angelina Jolie, Sophia Loren)

🤔I would say gemini and virgo risings are the hardest signs to identify because of their mercurial rulership and mutability unlike Pisces and Sagittarius where there are clear distinctions in facial features and physique because of the Jupiter/Neptune affect (long legs, round faces, prominent forehead and eyes) gemini and virgo can easily be dominated by other planets in contact with the ascendant or first house but both signs give someone a very youthful doll like glow

🧠People tend to shit on hard Saturn contacts but I find that with time they usually evolve beautifully and the aspect can become a huge benefic but only with hard work. Saturn is the only planet that rewards for perseverance and patience but it’s always worth it

🥰Leo and Virgo’s are actually really similar in what they expect from themselves and others. They both just want to be appreciated and considered important to those around them.

👩‍🦳No matter what signs are involved sun conjunct venus always has a very feminine and pleasent face usually with a prominent forehead,, they’re also rlly well captured in photographs!

🤳Mars square Neptune probably had a period where they may have read a lot of dirty fanficton or fantasized about weird concepts sexually

🌝Leo moons are WAY more of attention seekers then leo suns im sorry but it’s like their emotional well-being depends on the amount of attention they get whereas Leo suns don’t necessarily ask for it bc they just attract it naturally with their aura (this isn’t every leo moon ofc just the ones I’ve observed)

🤦‍♂️I think Virgo suns are more critical of those around them and how that affects who they are whereas Virgo moons tend to be more critical of themselves and how their actions affect their surroundings

🦵I’ve noticed Mars in the 1st house females are usually rlly toned and skinny with long legs

💃Mars in Virgo is known as being prudish or like a not sexy placement of Mars and I rlly beg to differ, I swear every person that the general public’s been obsessed with when it comes to being hot has this (Dylan O brien, Austin Butler, Idris Alba, Blake Lively, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Felton, Ariana grande, Johnny depp, Britney Spears?!! there’s so many more u guys need to get on this)

🥴Aries moons are all about talking the talk but I swear half the time are not walking the walk and when they do they’ve talked shit to about 6 ppl already and waited for like a week before telling u how they feel

🤡Pisces moons (myself being one) can be so fucking stupid when it comes to liking someone I swear. We tend to make excuses for them and cling to whatever image we’ve set up in our head on who they are. Once evolved though it’s way easier for us to see ppl for who they are off the bat without going through the emotional distress!

😒I can confirm that we attract whatever signs in our eighth house mines in Aries and I swear to god not a year has gone by where an Aries man hasn’t infiltrated my life

👗people who have venus in the second house are the definition of quality over quantity!! always dressed so well with the cutest jewelry. They’re style carries libra energy :)

🥺Aries sun men are some of the most sensitive ppl I’ve ever met!! I didn’t realize it at first but they’re rlly soft and uwu. I don’t know how to explain it but think of Eren from AOT or Natsu from Fairy Tail! They’re kind of like a cheeky kid you want to protect at all costs

🤝I think a lot of square aspects can work in your favor if there’s a specific trine or conjunct aspect that’s energy can balance it out once activated if that makes sense ? Like for example I have venus square neptune and I used to put myself in alot of unnecessary painful situation bc I had a problem with deluding myself when it came to liking someone. Yet I was always aware that the person was not right for me or the situation was toxic bc of my sun conjunct pluto. The Sun/Pluto aspect has kind of forced me to be more aware of the venus/neptune affect and I’ve grown a lot stronger through those painful plutonic experiences in love and I can see through other people’s intentions for what they are with ease. I think that sun/pluto helped cancel out my delusion by making me go through a lot of intense experiences to finally understand what I was doing and see things for what they were.

🧛🏽‍♀️Going off of that I don’t care what anyone else says I LOVE MY PLUTO ASPECTS and trust me their pretty shitty (sun conjunct pluto, moon square pluto, pluto square asc). I’ve been put into some rlly crazy situations for only being 18 but I can go into the world with a lot more awareness of who I am and the people around me. I like the intensity they bring and the forcefulness of change in my habits and life. Pluto has made me a rlly strong person in terms of persevering through life and it’s challenges. I thank pluto for that.

👩🏽‍🤝‍👨🏼👨🏾‍🤝‍👨🏻👩🏿‍🤝‍👩🏼I think one of my favorite placements I have that is also super favorable in others is Jupiter in the 11th house! This may seem kind of random but the amount of opportunities and cool experiences I’ve been given through my friends and social circles is something I’m soo thankful for🙏 Friendship and just being a friendly person in general is something I’ve always found luck and happiness in and it’s so rewarding to have so many ppl like and support u for who u are! Making friends with ppl online and making friends from friends is super easy with this placement as well💞

[t0shii]

% comforting them when they're upset

.! oikawa, tsukishima, matsukawa (sep) x gn!r

.! angst + fluff/ breakdowns, crying, etc. lightly proofread bc im lazy so sorry for any mistakes.

.! im so sorry if this is absolute word vomit or horse shit 😭 i tried my best though 😌 uhhh sorry for not posting yesterday i got my daith pierced and i was in a lot of pain after that so i didnt feel like writing anywho enjoy this 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 p.s. i was originally gonna write for mad dog but i was struggling so i went with mattsun instead sorry. also idk why matsuns ended up being so short i didnt do him justice i apologize 😩

oikawa

— always gets discouraged when his knee bothers him. today was one of those days. his coach had made him sit out of practice because he had been limping a bit. he came home distraught and you noticed right away.

"what's the matter toru?" you asked opening your arms for a hug, which he accepted, wrapping his arms around your middle quite tightly. "my knee is bothering me again 'n coach made me sit out. it's just not fair." he mumbled into your shoulder. you could feel his tears soak through your shirt. you nodded and responded, "baby, he just doesn't want you to hurt yourself. i know it's not fair but-", "but i wanna play volleyball, i wanna get better and practice." he said, aggravated that you weren't exactly on his side, still he held you tighter.

"toru, baby, look at me." he does as told, and you bring your hands up to wipe his tear stained cheeks,"toru, you can't strain your knee anymore than you already do, you know this. i know you only want to play volleyball, baby i know, but you have to be patient." he nods in agreement and you do the same, then guiding his head back to your shoulder, "i know it's frustrating toru, but you can't force it, y'know? he wouldn't make you sit out if it wasn't for your best interest. you know that, deep down."

the two of you had been cuddling on the couch, his back against your chest when you heard him sniffling again, "toru, what's wrong?" you ask softly, sitting up slightly. "i'm so useless, my own knee can't even work right. the team deserves someone better and so d-do you" he hiccuped, hiding is face in his hands. you felt guilty for not comforting him more earlier. "toru, that's not true at all." you stated, forcing his hands into yours, "take it back right now." he looked at you confused. "toru oikawa i said take it back right this instant." you said a little sterner than before.

"no." he managed to get out through sobs, and you knew the stern method wasn't going to work this time around. "toru, please. you're not useless at all, not to anyone, not to the team, and especially not to me. you're the best teammate, friend and boyfriend anyone could ever ask for and your knee just needs a break sometimes, you just need a break sometimes and thats okay. needing a break doesn't make you useless or weak, toru." you say softly, guiding him to a sitting position, hugging him closely and tracing small, comforting shapes on his back.

"you're so so strong toru, and you're an amazing person, an amazing boyfriend, you're such an amazing volleyball player and i'm so proud of how far you've come since highschool." you say, kissing the crown of his head. "you mean it?" he asks leaning back to look at you, "i always do, toru. i love you more than anything, and i'm so so fucking proud of you, but you have to know, it's okay to need a break sometimes and it doesn't change who you are as a person and it definitely doesn't make you weak or useless. he nods in response, burrying his head into the crook of your neck. you both stay like that, you whispering words of affirmations, him listening fondly until he feels better a little while later.

tsukishima

— he usually didn't let the stress of professional volleyball get to him like this, but he couldn't help it he would be lying if he said he wasn't overwhelmed, from interviews, to extra practice to prepare for the overseas games he had coming up, he was exhausted, to add onto it all he had been neglecting you and he felt horrible for it.

you knew practice was going to be running late since your boyfriend had told you in advance, so you weren't initially worried as to why kei had been coming home late at night. this night in particular was the fourth night in a row kei been home late and you starting to grow concerned. you hadn't seen him hardly at all that week, which was unusual because he always made time for you no matter what. worried, you decided to stay awake and wait for him to get home.

when the time finally comes, your heart dropped at his appearance, he looked absolutely horrible, as if he hadn't slept right in weeks. "why are you up?" he mumbled, taking his shoes off rather sloppily, uncharacteristic of him. you made your way closer to yoir exhausted boyfriend, "kei, i'm worried about you. i know you don't like me meddling with your career, and please don't misunderstand my concern for that. i'm just worried you aren't getting enough rest and i've barely seen you at all this week." you said, crossing your arms over your chest.

you knew something was wrong when you saw the tear swell in his eyes, but he just stood there awkwardly, you walked closer toward him, "kei, what's wrong?" you ask, extending your arms toward him, which he basically fell into, he started sobbing immediately, shocking you initially. "i'm s-sorry for neglecting you this week, i didn't mean to i-i just-", "kei, i'm not worried about that, i'm worried that you aren't taking care of yourself properly." you mumble, patting his back comfortingly. to which he shakes his head no."work has been too much recently, i can't sleep and i barely have time to even think. its just practice, interviews, practice, interviews i-i can't handle it all anymore, y/n." he sobbed into your shoulder, you were speechless at his vulnerability.

"kei,-", "but i can't stop now because that'll make me a failure and i don't want to let you down and the team too, i just want to make everyone proud but i think i'm falling behind." he cried, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. "kei, you could never let me down. actually, i think i've been letting you down recently, i don't tell you this enough but, i'm so so proud of you kei, so proud you don't even understand, i'm sorry for not expressing that enough to you. i understand that you feel as if you're falling behind but overworking and stressing yourself out isn't going to help you improve, kei, and i know you also know that."

"you're working yourself sick, kei and i can't stand here and continue to let that happen so you're taking a day off whether you like it or not. tomorrow will be a me and you day, how does that sound? i'll call your coach in the morning." honestly, you wouldn't have let him say no anyways, and he knew that so he just nodded his head. "look at me kei, you have to tell me when you're feeling overwhelmed. it's not good to keep things in like this, it's just like you tell me." he nods his head, but avoids eye contact, "and i'm not disappointed or upset at you, you know. but i can't read your mind, so please just tell me when things start to feel like they're crashing down on you 'kay? i'll help you just like you help me." you smile, he looks at you and nods, hugs you closer and whispers an "i love you" into your ear, which you return.

matsuwaka

— you knew his work was stressful and emotionally and mentally exhausting, so there were always worries in the back of your mind that he would become too overwhelmed, well today your worries became reality.

"welcome home issei." you called from the kitchen as your boyfriend walked through the door, though he offered you no response, which made you frown. "issei?-" you gasped when you felt a pair of strong arms sneak their way around your waist, "jesus, issei, you scared me!" you giggle placing your hands atop of his own, but you realized he was not laughing with you. "issei, baby?" concern laced in your tone as you maneuvered your way around to face him, "what's wrong baby?" you ask, taking his face in your hands to wipe at escaping tears.

"work was rough today." was all he said as he melted at the feeling of your thumbs running back and forth on his cheeks. "oh issei, i'm sorry." you mumbled, kissing the tip of his nose lightly, "is there anything i can do to help?" he didn't know why but something inside of him snapped when you asked him that, and sobs escaped his lips, he could only hide his face in the space between your neck and shoulder because for some reason he felt... ashamed to be crying in front of you like this. "please just hold me." he cried, so you did just that, shushimg him when his sobs got violent, rubbing your hand up and down his back soothingly.

the both of you stood there for a good 15 minutes before you spoke up after he had calmed down a bit, "is there anything you need to get off your chest? you don't have to tell me now or even at all but i want you to know that whatever is bothering you, you can tell me, anything at all. i know your job is mentally exhausting and honestly i dont even know how you do it but i dont want you thinking you have to carry the burden of it alone, okay? i'm so proud of you, so so so proud of you issei, i just wanted you to know that."

you felt him nod in the crook of your neck, a soft, "thank you." sounding shortly after, "of course." you responded, kissing his shoulder a few time.he wasn't sure when he would feel completely ready to get things off his chest but he felt loved knowing that you would always be there to comfort him, and for that he was forever grateful.

[babymilkawa]

hi !! i was curious if it’d be okay to request mha bf hcs who have a gf that are like... kinda overweight but tall as well & they’re just body/appearance insecure too ? i really need some comfort 😭 umm for characters bakugo, todoroki, deku, and. . . tamaki ? or just the mha boys (not specifically like a character / who?) in general (sorry i hope it made sense ajbdajdnan) thank you so much & i really like your work!

of course!! I hope this helps ^^

overweight s/o headcanons with:

todoroki shoto, midoriya izuku, tamaki amajiki, bakugou katsuki

gn!reader :)

todoroki shoto

he won’t understand why you’re insecure 

“but I think you look great”

you’ll be hesitant on going out on a date with him and he’s ok with cancelling for you but he also wants to understand so that he can help you

he’ll stare daggers at anyone who makes fun of you, if they happen to be his partner during training..good luck!!

he looves to be the little spoon and thinks that cuddling will help you be less insecure

it gives him the opportunity to trace the outline of your body, to love every part that makes you doubt yourself

he’ll leave kisses everywhere, to assure you that he loves you no matter what

if you’re taller than him, he’ll think it’s cute when you compare your shoe sizes and how much different his is compared to yours

will ask to wear your clothes a lot because they’re comfy

if you’re afraid that you won’t fit in his, he’ll just trash his whole wardrobe and buy new clothes for himself that’ll fit you better

when you take non-intimate showers together, he’ll carefully lather each part with soap and handle it with love

I also think that one of his pet names for you will be “beautiful”

like he’ll be spooning you and whispering into your ear, “good night, beautiful”

midoriya izuku

he’ll feel sad when you’re sad

when you tell him abt ur insecurities, his mind will run laps on how to make you feel better

when people make fun of you or call you out, he’ll usher you out of the area and tell you not to listen to them

he likes to just stare at whatever ur doing sometimes

like the two of you will be quietly doing your own tasks and he’ll just pause and look at you

you could be sharpening your pencil or packing your bags, he’s just entranced

Ooo he really likes kissing you when you’re hovering on top of him, he likes it when your hair tickles his face (if u have long hair) and just looking up at u

U can really see the love and admiration he has through his eyes

he won’t be able to sleep without you when you’re gone

so that means that he’ll be extra clingy when you’re back

just curling himself into you, loving the way you smell and how safe he feels in your arms

prolly little spoon like 95% of the time

But if u want him to be big spoon, he’ll be happy to

it means that he knows ur safe with him, no one can ever hurt u mentally or physically

tamaki amajiki

he will try SO hard to cheer you up

but he knows that he’s just going to stumble over his words

which might end up making u feel worse

and he ofc doesn’t want that

so instead, he’ll give you back hugs

just resting his head on your shoulder, quietly

he doesn’t know what to do either when ur made fun of

he’s panicking bc he can feel you drooping next to him, he had to think fast

so he just brought you to his dorm and gave you his blanket or his hoodie

ordered your favorite food, rented your comfort film

he really didn’t know what to say so he just thought, “what do they like?”

and a whole list just wham pops up ins head

he also gets sad when you are

because in his eyes you’re just this person who’s so gorgeous and hardworking

you shouldn’t be insecure abt anything

he’ll also express his love for ur body or any of ur insecurities through cuddles

again, this man doesn’t know what to say and so he hopes that showing u will let u know that he cares

bakugou katsuki

“Haa? What for?”

If you’re standing in front of the mirror and you tell him how you feel abt yourself, he’ll walk over and place his hands on your shoulders

makes u look him in the eye

“Listen here y/n”

but that came out a little demanding so he sighed and took ur face in his hands

“u’re...great ok? I..*sighs* im proud to be your bf. Because ur amazing..and beautiful..dumbass” 😒

Now he can’t keep eye contact with u

but wait he’s not done

“And if you ever doubt that.. or the fact that I love you...I’ll-I’ll-“

“You’ll what?” You say, obviously teasing him

he grumbles and decides to cut it with a kiss

Like almost all the other boys, bakugou will express his gratitude and love through actions

If anyone dares to make fun of you, it’s 💥💥🪦🪦x-x

gets rly frustrated at himself for not being able to comfort u properly

He’ll go out of his way now to tell you how you look and all

but ofc not without a tomato red face 🤪

a/n: don’t forget ur beautiful anon!! j so y’all know..I use this 🤪ironically

bnha masterlist

[ootahime]

what is utahime’s role in the future? — a prediction (manga spoilers)

part 1 (unedited)

I WAS ABOUT TO POST IT BUT I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT AND I WAS SO HURT FR!!!!! I HAD REWRITE THIS ENTIRE THING </33

part 2 is here!

in this post, i will be analyzing the information we’ve been given about utahime so far to form a prediction about her future role in the jujutsu kaisen series. if you’re as interested in utahime’s character as i am, please feel free to keep reading :3 (i’ll also be talking about her relationship with gojo a bit too)

soukatsu_ on twt!

kaikaikitan on twt!

utahime iori is a semi-grade 1 sorcerer working as a student supervisor/teacher at kyoto jujutsu high school. she loves drinking beer and going to karaoke. she’s also close friends with shoko and she’s not particularly fond of gojo most of the time. what else do we know about her?

hates sweets (funny she’s the complete opposite of gojo)

she’s great at singing and it’s a huge part of her technique

squabbling with gojo became a reflex :3

everyone absolutely adores utahime

loves watching soccer and baseball

a terrible drunk (worse than naobito zenin)

gojo is her main source of stress

let’s dive into her personality and abilities!

chapter 65

before i get into it, i think it’d be best if i were to explain the timeline because a lot of people seem to be confused about this one particular thing. utahime is born on february 18th, 1987. contrary to popular belief, she is not 3 years older than gojo. it is november 2018 in the story because gojo was sealed on halloween. if gojo was born on december 7th, 1989, that would mean that right now, he is only 28 years old. he has yet to turn 29.

the year is 2007. gojo satoru is a second year at tokyo jujutsu high school. the japanese school year begins in april which suggests that gojo is only 17 at the time (even if it’s not april, it doesn’t look like winter yet so it’s unlikely that he’s already 18). utahime is 20 because it is past february. she is a 2nd grade sorcerer at the age of 20. that’s not bad at all!

chapter 65 introduces young utahime and mei on a mission together within a cursed site. in real time, they’ve been gone for two days which is a cause of concern for gojo, shoko, and geto because the two haven’t contacted anyone since the beginning of their mission.  the two begin to suspect something is wrong because the hallway markers they’ve set in place disappeared, and no matter how far they travel within the halls, the end is nowhere in sight.  mei theorizes that the cursed spirit is overlapping the space as they travel forward.  utahime agrees with this speculation and proposes a plan to escape the cursed spirit’s grasp by moving erratically.  notice how she says that if one of them should escape, they can try to attack from the outside or call for help.  if utahime was not capable of inflicting damage on anything then she would have told mei to escape and attack if she can while she waited to be rescued.  however, she didn’t.  she included herself in the sentence which leads me to believe that she is capable of going on the offense if needed.  

keep in mind that at this point in time, mei is a grade 1 sorcerer.  she is knowledgeable about all things involving jujutsu because she is experienced and skillful.  we can see this aspect of her character illustrated when she theorizes that the cursed spirit is messing with the space they’re in.  she chooses to go with utahime’s plan because she agrees that it’s the best action moving forward.  this verifies that utahime is an intelligent girl that’s able to get along with pretty much anyone.  

her intellect is demonstrated once again in chapter 79.  she was able to deduce the possibility of there being more than one traitor and the fact that one is probably a higher up.  she also narrowed down the mechamaru as the mole of kyoto not because he was acting suspicious but by process of elimination.  she thought thoroughly of his technique and how easy it would be for him to manipulate devices small enough to be undetectable.  

sure you can argue that she should already know all her students’ abilities and whatnot but you have to admit that it’s hard trying to sniff out the traitor when no one is acting suspicious.  in addition to that, how did she know that there was a traitor in the top brass?  i would have never guessed that tbh LOL (maybe bc im an idiot).

okay, now that we have established that she’s intelligent, let’s answer a more important question.  is utahime weak?

chapter 33

if gojo calls utahime weak, does that mean there is some truth to it?  well it is true that she is weaker than him because he’s the strongest and all.  in my opinion, he’s just teasing her.  he probably found that calling her weak is what really riles her up.  maybe i’ll talk about why he loves teasing her so much in a later post.  but anyway, gojo calls everybody and their mom weak.  he even said jogo was weak and we know how powerful that guy is.  gojo’s words alone do not indicate much about utahime’s power.  in fact, i don’t even think he has seen her use her technique yet.  he’s probably only ever heard of how it works.  this is what i think their conversation about her technique was like:

gojo: hm?  ur cursed technique is singing?  can u show me?

utahime: what!  no way!  

gojo: why not?

*one of the classmates tells him that she can only use her CT once in a while because it consumes a lot of energy*

gojo: hahaha!  u have to conserve cursed energy to use ur CT?  why are u so weak, utahime?

utahime: i!  am!  your!  senpai!  respect!  me!

what i’m trying to say is that gojo loves poking fun of people.  we should not believe him when he calls someone weak because compared to him, everyone is weak.  

this is a little off topic but let’s examine him telling her, “and you don’t have the nerves, utahime.”  i think he’s trying to say that there’s no way she’ll ever do something like that because she’s not the type to put her students in danger.  remember the soft expression and relieved smile on her lips when she said that she was glad the students were safe after the kyoto incident?  gojo was directly in front of her so not only did he hear her say that, but he could have seen the look on her face too.  even if he told her that she didn’t have the guts to betray the school to get on her nerves, he knew that utahime simply cared too much about the students so he ruled her out as a suspect right away.  this is why he ultimately decided to confide in her and ask her to help him.  

i’m a person who loves over-analyzing things.  i really enjoy the dynamic between gojo and utahime.  they’ve known each other for more than 11 years and although they always bicker, there is an unspoken feeling of trust between the two.  gojo can do anything and everything by himself because he is truly the strongest person alive, but he still knows when to rely on others.  him deciding to entrust utahime with such a job implies that he believes in utahime’s abilities.

chapter 52

she’s not using any cursed energy here--not to our knowledge at least.  this is just pure skill.  she was able to swiftly evade the swing from haruta.  he was surprised himself considering the fact that he was right behind her.  how do we know her CT isn’t speed?  after haruta swung at her, we can see that some of her hair got cut off.  if she was using her CT then speed should be her specialty.  she should have been able to completely avoid the attack altogether but she didn’t.  of course this isn’t a wow moment because jujutsu sorcerers should know how to dodge attacks, however, i’m just trying to get the point across that she’s not a defenseless person without her technique or others.  let’s not forget that semi-grade 1 isn’t a weak rank either.  you can’t simply be recommended to be a grade 1 sorcerer if you only can support others.  

chapter 48

i want to bring up this panel. it suggests that utahime and takuma are sorcerers who have not experienced black flash and therefore, do not understand the essence of cursed energy as well as those who have like gojo and nanami.  i find it strange how takuma and utahime were used to represent sorcerers who haven’t experienced it yet.  is the purpose to demonstrate that there is a clear difference in skill between adult sorcerers like utahime and takuma compared to gojo and nanami?  i could be nitpicking but the order of todo’s statement doesn’t line up with the sorcerers being shown.  let me explain in depth.  todo starts off by saying, “for those who have experienced black flash as compared to those who have not...” wouldn’t it make more sense to show gojo and nanami on the right side to represent sorcerers who have experienced black flash?  that was mentioned first, after all.  gojo and nanami should appear when todo says “for those who have experience black flash” while utahime and takuma should be shown right after to personify the second part, “as compared to those who have not.”  i’m just making it more complicated than it actually is LOLOL i’m sure it really just means they haven’t experienced black flash yet, which is completely fine.  i also find it fascinating how they used utahime to contrast gojo.  with nanami and takuma it makes sense.  nanami is someone takuma looks up to, he wants to gain nanami’s approval before he deems himself worthy of a promotion. what about utahime and gojo?  what’s the purpose of comparing those two together when it’s obvious that gojo knows more about the essence of cursed energy more than anyone else?  i might be delusional whoops

----

let me know what you guys think?  this is only a part 1 so i haven’t gotten around to answering the question.  i’m pretty much done with the second part, i just need to revise it a little.  i think after i post part 2, i’ll try to interpret all the gojo and utahime moments in the manga >.<

[beomglocks]

what soobin is like as a boyfriend

warnings & other: none i just love him but let’s be honest who doesn’t, this gets cheesy in some parts bc he just gives off stereotypical kdrama bf vibes but guys he’s the one

w/c: round to 1k

ok first off 

sorry if i rant soobin is my baby so ofc i think he’s the perfect boyfriend

he’s so

ugh

ok when you meet him he’s a shy boy

like really won’t wanna look you in the eye

ok like super fucking awkward

like painfully and you’re like “hahah ok that’s cute”

that only applies if you look intimidating tho

if you’re one of those people who’s blessed with not having resting bitch face he’ll be flirty

well you know..

he has his own methods of being flirty

he’s charming in his own way

probably does what yeonjun does but more subtle

stares

will stare at you

and when you make eye contact he smiles and rubs his lip with his finger DJSJSKDK PLZ

alternatively: looks away, purses his lips with a smile, ears get red, looks back up to you already looking at him then he waves

youre left like

“omg he’s so fucking cute”

ok but actually like he will reel you in without you even knowing

next thing you know you’re laughing at his lame ass jokes

god forbid you think he’s funny

“you think I’m funny? well we should date” :)

wait im pretty sure he said he doesnt go after someone unless he knows they like him back

tbh he’d probably wait until you make the first move

or wait until you show interest or else he’ll just hide his feelings

you have to bring him out of his shell

once you do...oh boy

100% never leaving you alone

always telling you how much he loves you

he’s the sweetest

teeth rotting sweet

i feel like he would slowly open up to you during the relationship

he’s not like automatically into it if that makes sense

shy to initiate things at first

such as kissing and touching

asks you if it’s ok first

we love consent

free samples kind of guy

dont take him to an ice cream shop or shops in general

he will devour the free samples

next thing you know you’re leaving with goat cheese and the newest ice cream flavour

he gives hopeless romantic vibes

would want to bake with you in the kitchen

and i know this sounds cliche but

flour fight

he’s cute with it at first

just rubs some flour on your nose then next thing you know

“we turned our dog white”

he’s a simple man

however

he probably spoils you

but not like expensive item type of spoiling he isn’t extravagant

god forbid the price range of any of the items he buys you exceeds his actual paycheck

cute gifts that you’ll actually use and cherish

i dont see many fights happening with him tbh

maybe if you question his leadership choices then i can see a fight happening

for example if you think he couldve handled a situation better in a certain way and you point that out to him he’ll get all defensive

“im the leader of my group dont tell me what you think is best for my group”

then you’re just like “well shit fuck you too i was just tryna help”

i can see him distancing himself after a fight if you’re also feeling a bit aggitated

doesn’t talk to you until it’s literally 2am and neither of you are sleeping bc yall always cuddle and you’re not cuddling him

:(

he’s always the first one to say sorry

my god he makes fun of you so much

not on a beomgyu level though

more of a “if you say something silly i will make you feel so dumb for the rest of the day” kind of clowning

wow jealousy

i feel like he’s not super jealous unless he feels threatened

everything was fine until the fire nation attacked

once he sees you getting a little too buddy buddy with someone else he’s like nah i gotta shut this shit down

he’s humble but once he’s jealous he’s all braggy to make himself seem above who ever was trying to get at you

“yeah i think we ALL-”

boy do you have to comfort this big baby

he’s sensitive :(

hold him and rub his head on his off days

tell him he’s the best boy and it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks screw them

he laughs like 

“shouldnt i be comforting you?” 

soooooooooo sappy

cliche asf boyfriend

buys you flowers

if he could he would be doing the whole radio outside your window thing (side note: yeonjun would too be he’s whipped asf)

college bf (we saw it coming)

see also: college bf who helps you in what he can and tells you to screw math bc you don’t need it anyways

shows up at your school or job after his practice

everyone loves him

everyone

you gotta be on guard 24/7

i wouldnt say you’d be insecure per se but soobin definietly lacks awareness when it comes to being flirted with

he recognizes others advances but laughs awkwardly, forgetting to tell the person he already has a partner

~cue mild argument~

at the end of it all he’s like��“dont worry i only like you jeez”

if he’s working on a song he asks for your input

or rather how would you interpret a certain emotion that he isn’t able to convey

just to joke around, if he has to write a song about heartbreak but neither of you have been through that he’ll be like

“well there’s a first for everything :)”

soobin 100% takes the time to learn about your culture

he’s invested what can i say

introducing you to the other members isn’t THAT bad

but they definitely clown soobin

txt: “how come your partner is cooler than our own leader”

“maybe they should lead us instead” (joke)

soobin’s like fuck yall i can be cool :(

always send you cute selfies

with messages along the lines of

“i miss you :((((”

“bring ice cream on your way back!”

“be safe tho xxx”

he gives embarassing dad vibes

you can’t introduce him to your friends !

since he has you around he isn’t too shy and once he engages in conversation you better pack your bags

he’s trying to be funny (keyword: trying) but really it’s just your friends laughing to not make the hot idol bf not feel bad

you help him with his script for music bank

speaking of music bank

yes, yes, you are clowning him like the rest of txt and he comes home like

“not you too :(((((((”

hueningkai

my goodness hueningkai

yall tussle over soobin’s attention

sometimes it feels like youre sharing soobin with kai

you love them both but youre like “kai sweetie it’s cold and i wanna be the one to cuddle my bf so please”

speaking of cuddles 

best cuddles

ones where he’s wearing a really comfortable sweater that’s actually nice material and your face gets buried in his chest 

his limbs will be tangled in yours no doubt

but wow he’s so warm you almost never wanna let go

they don’t call him “home” for nothing

tall boy

makes fun of you if you’re shorter than him

yes he does tease you by placing items on higher-than-you-can-reach shelves

kick his shins he’ll give in

you: ”hows the weather up there”

him: “nice actually but you wouldnt know now would you :)”

tell him your problems, tell him anything

he will listen

and i mean let-you-ramble-for-hours kind of listen

but at the end of it his input is always valuable and he isn’t judgemental

he’s a good listener and gives good advice!!!

he’s not the leader for no reason put some damn trust in him!