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someidiotwithalaptop · 2 years

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Alright: What the FUCK happened to Summer???

Because something sure did, and every new thing we hear about her gets more disturbing, and it haunts me.

So, I'll start with stuff that's fairly certain and like, small leaps of logic before I go full tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist. We have very little actual info about Summer, nearly all of it from different characters talking about her.

From Yang we get the basic facts from her family's perspective: Summer was a Huntress who went out on a mission and never came back. We also get the characterization of, "Super-Mom: Baker of cookies and slayer of giant monsters."

From Qrow, we learn that 1. She was a brat, which like, honestly STRQ was probably just "oops! all brats" 2. He thinks she would have pressed on if she knew the truth, which, uh, she almost definitely did. "We don't have to kill you to stop you," is not the sort of thing you say to Salem if you don't know she's immortal, that's all I'm saying. 3. Whatever her final mission was, she didn't tell him or Tai or Ozpin. I'm inclined to believe Ozpin when he says he genuinely doesn't know what happened to Summer, since his biggest secret is already out—plus he's been genuinely repentent about the mess his lying caused in Volume 6 and is taking steps to do better in the future. It would feel really weird thematically if he knew and was keeping yet another giant bomb of a secret. So Summer went on her final mission alone, or at the very least, she didn't tell any of Ozpin's inner circle where she was going.

We'll get to speculating about why not later, but I think this point is probably going to be important in Ruby's character arc—whatever Summer's ultimate fate, she got there because she tried to save the world alone, and we've seen Ruby do something similar. Like she's not running off after Salem by herself, but she's definitely trying to shoulder the burden of leading and inspiring everyone to keep going all on her own, without asking for help as that responsibility has been slowly yet systematically destroying her mental health. I mean ffs she's been literally carrying her team on her shoulders for two episodes now.

HOWEVER: Oz, Tai, and Qrow don't know anything about what happened to Summer, but it's possible that Raven might. When Ruby tries to reach out to her and convince her to work together, because they'll have a better chance than if they try to do it alone, Raven says, "You sound just like your mother," in truly the most bitter, disdainful-ass tone I have ever heard. And then she opens a portal for Cinder to throw a fireball at her. Whether this is about a more generalized friction that maybe contributed to Raven leaving, or a specific moment when Summer tried to get her on board with whatever she was doing on that final mission, is kind of uncertain. Or it could be both!

(And it might also be she married my ex bitterness but, admitting my biases here, I hate that fucking trope with a fiery passion and I think it's more interesting if her anger at Summer is actually about Summer.)

Regardless, if Summer did ask her for help, then based on how Raven reacted to Ruby I don't think she got it lmao

And then. Oh, and then. We get Salem!

"Your mother said those words to me. She was wrong too."

"Her again?"

So like. Salem definitely met her. Had a whole-ass conversation with her, even.

And that fucking smile??? Salem did some shit to Summer. It's just a question of what, exactly?

Right. Okay. So after they kill the Hound and realize WHOOPS that was a person and he looks an awful lot like Ruby! and everyone reunites, Ruby says this:

"When I saw its eyes, I knew. Salem used to kill people with Silver Eyes, like Maria. But she’s always wanted me alive. Why would that change unless, when she met Mom, she learned she could do something new?"

Timeline-wise, this seems accurate! But I'd like to also insert TR into the equation. It's a little hard to tell given the uhh, body horror of it all, but he definitely looks younger than Qrow (which is maybe not saying a lot given that Raven looks at least ten years younger than Qrow and she's his twin lmao) and, more to the point, like he's probably younger than Summer.

Like, yeah, hard to tell, but I don't think this man is past forty. And even if he is, it doesn't seem like Salem's had him for very long, seeing as she never sent him after Ruby or the relics in previous volumes. So he's probably an example of what Salem's been doing to SEWs after Summer.

Also, Salem calls him an experiment, and says that so far she's pleased with the results. Meaning Summer isn't exactly a Hound, though I wouldn't say that puts grimmification off the table. Just that it's not in the exact same way he is. And it's worth pointing out that the way TR has been grimmified, it's left him completely without agency and unable to disobey Salem. Even after Ruby blasts the Grimm off his head, he's still left repeating "Take The Girl" over and over without any sign of whoever he used to be coming back to the surface. It's possible that is what Salem is referring to when she calls him a successful experiment.

So the way Salem has dealt with people with silver eyes has gone:

Maria (kill her) > Summer (?!?!) > TR (an... experiment) > Ruby (bring her to me alive)

Adding TR into the mix, it seems unlikely that the "something new" Salem learned she could do from Summer Rose would actually have been, y'know, a Hound. Plus from a narrative perspective, I don't think we're going to have Ruby literally saying exactly what happened to Summer into the camera only for her to turn up, Hound-ified just as expected, a couple volumes later. So, some possibilities:

Ruby is actually exactly correct about what happened to Summer, but she's not going to show up later so there's no reason not to just tell us. Personally I doubt it's this, given the way the mystery has been unfolding over eight volumes and counting. It'd be kind of weird to just tell us instead of showing us, or indeed having the Hound literally be Summer. Also, if Summer is a Hound too then why is TR an experiment?

Summer was Grimmified but didn't survive the process, so she gave Salem the idea but she's not actually a Hound. This also seems a bit odd to me given that would mean she's basically just dead like we assumed, but with extra steps. Like it's upsetting but it doesn't represent the kind of dramatic upheaval to the sisters' worldviews that it feels like this is building towards. It doesn't explain how fucking smug Salem is about the whole thing.

Summer was Grimmified, but didn't actually lose any agency. This would explain why Salem is still experimenting, and why she's so pleased with TR—he's even more singleminded in carrying out her goals than Tyrian is. It also fits with the way the Grimmification worked on Salem. Even after she jumped into the goop, she was still very much herself—it's possible it influenced her, but she was definitely capable of showing love and affection to both Ozma and her daughters. She just, uhh,,, was also willing to try and murder them. But it's unclear to me how much of that was Evil Goo and how much was just that there's no way a human being spends any significant length of time as the Last Woman Alive without some unpleasant side effects. We're social creatures and we do not generally do well when completely deprived of company.

Summer wasn't Grimmified at all, the whole Hound thing is a red herring.

In either 3 or 4, regardless of how much body horror happened, Ruby is wrong about what happened to Summer. And in order to not undercut that moment of utter despair at what probably happened to Summer... I feel like what actually did happen has to be. like. worse.

AND IT'S A TAD DIFFICULT TO GET WORSE THAN THE HOUND.

So. Time to put our tinfoil hats on: what if we add an element of horrible betrayal?

Yes this is a Summer-joined-Salem conspiracy post.

But hear me out okay! Circling back a bit, why wouldn't Summer tell any of the inner circle where she was going? If she talked to anyone, it was Raven, who had already noped the fuck out by the time Summer went on her final mission. Now, if it was just Tai and Qrow I'd say she might've kept it from them for the same reason everyone always keeps that secret—she didn't want them to lose hope. But... Ozpin already knows. There'd be no reason not to tell him what she was doing, unless she knew he'd try to stop her.

Now: my goal here is to make all this make sense, without altering the first foundational piece of characterization we get for Summer. Namely, "Super-Mom: Baker of cookies and slayer of giant monsters." I'm not saying Summer learned the truth and went, welp, if you can't beat 'em join 'em. Because both Summer and Raven tend to act as foils to Ruby and Yang, and "gave up immediately" doesn't feel like an interesting foil to Ruby's perserverence. But, if you find out that there's an existential threat to the entire world, and she can't be killed...

Isn't it worth trying to negotiate?

Especially if, say, you were absolutely desperate to end this war in your lifetime. Because Summer knows that if it's really impossible, if Salem can't be stopped, then Ruby will get dragged in whether she likes it or not. All because of a trait that Summer passed down to her.

Salem's been killing people with silver eyes, probably for millenia. It's easily possible that Summer had her own visit from someone like Tock, or noticed the same thing Maria's father did, that there's a suspicious lack of people with silver eyes considering how useful they are against the Grimm. As long as Salem is a threat, Ruby is going to be in that same danger. Forever.

So she has to do something, right? If there's even the tiniest chance she can end this now, before Ruby will ever have to suffer for it, before she gets pulled into an impossible war and Yang comes charging in after her, because of course she's going to try to help her sister... isn't that a chance worth taking?

This is why I think Raven knows some shit, by the by—when she's telling Yang about Salem, she actually kind of indirectly drops the same bomb that went off in Volume 6, it's just that she didn't do it in the same explicit terms that Jinn did. "She can't be stopped, she can't be reasoned with, and she will not rest until Humanity crumbles at her feet."

"Can't be stopped" is Raven's translation of can't be killed, since "We don't have to kill you to stop you" seems to be a flavor of terrifying exclusive to Ruby and apparently Summer. But "can't be reasoned with" implies that somebody tried. And like, let's be honest. Do we really think Raven was the one who decided to give diplomacy a go?

Not to mention this line, which I'm like 90% sure is referring to Summer:

"Or... you can go back to Qrow and join Ozpin's impossible war against Salem, and meet the same fate as so many others."

It really seems like Raven knows something she's not telling us. Like, if that is a reference to Summer's fate, does that mean Raven knows what it is, or is she just speculating like everyone else? Does she have a portal to Summer, and is that giving her information the others don't have? All that, combined with the fact that she's also way more bitter about Summer than everyone else, seems signficant.

Anyways. Let's say Summer decides to have a chat with Salem.

She can't tell Ozpin. He'd try to stop her, because he'd see it as a suicide mission. Qrow or Tai both might tell him, or agree with him and get in her way, so she keeps it from them too. Maybe she goes off completely by herself—or maybe she goes to Raven, because she's the only one who might be able to help who Summer knows won't breathe a word of it to Ozpin. Either way, Raven doesn't help her. She's not getting anywhere near Salem.

And then... well. Salem got here by manipulating people, by swaying them to her cause. Summer asks her what she actually wants out of all this. Isn't there some way they could resolve this without this endless war, all this endless death?

Important to note, I don't think we've heard Salem's motivation in her own words. At least, not since the Lost Fable, when she wanted to rule with Ozpin as the new gods of Remnant. I think it's safe to say at least a few things have changed since then. Closest I can think of is what she says to Cinder in Volume 8, "In pursuit of a new world, no cost is too great." Which is ominous, but also quite vague, and says nothing about what she plans to do with the relics.

Instead, we get a whole lot of people guessing. Ozpin thinks she wants to die. Tyrian thinks she wants to destroy the world. Hazel and Mercury think she wants to remake it, with no Huntsman Academies, with them as the new top dogs.

There's a pattern here—Salem never actually says what she wants, and other people have a habit of projecting their own motives onto her actions. Ozpin wants to die, Hazel wants to destroy the Huntsmen Academies, Mercury wants to be the one with the power so he's not getting hurt, and Tyrian's just in it for the chaos.

And it's not like Salem hasn't done stuff like that on purpose. By the time she started growing her army against the gods and telling people they would all steal immortality like she did, she'd already tried to kill herself. She didn't want immortality. She just let people think she did, because it was more convenient for her.

So if this agent of Ozpin's comes to her, absolutely desperate for a way to end the fight before it can come for her daughters, well... why not just tell her about the gods? About how Ozpin plans to one day reunite the relics, and submit Remnant to their judgment? About what might happen if he does?

(TBH I don't think Oz will ever do that, not because I think he's decided not to or anything like that, but because I doubt he'll ever see a humanity united enough for it to be worth trying. We're an argumentative bunch.)

But like. To Summer, all of a sudden there's this other, even bigger existential threat. And Salem isn't like Ozpin. She does have a plan! She wants to destroy the relics, so that the gods can never be resummoned, because of course she hates them and so she would never want them to come back!

(Again, not saying this is actually true, my best guess is that she's trying to bring them back so she can fight them again slkdfjlskdj)

And then, if they succeed, not only will the gods not be a threat anymore, Salem won't be a threat either. She'll have gotten what she wants!

"This can all... be... over..."

Summer has to finish this. There has to be a way for her to do this by herself, to save everyone, to put a stop to it all in time to protect her children! (Raven can't be right, it can't just be hopeless!)

From there, all Salem really needs to do is be a bit careful how much she tells her other followers about what she plans to do—which it seems like she has—and eventually find a way to either hide what relics she has or convince Summer that she's trying really hard to destroy them, definitely, pinky promise!

(And, as an aside: if true, it's very possible that the reason Salem's so insistent on keeping Ruby alive isn't that she wants to turn her into another Hound, but rather that was one of Summer's conditions.)

All this, of course, may or may not come with a sprinkle of Grimmification. Because why not add some body horror to the good old-fashioned betrayal horror! Though, if I'm right and not going completely off the wall here, I suspect it's probably more in the vein of Cinder than TR. Namely, like, consensual.

Regardless, it definitely feels like Summer has been idealized to a point that's just sort of... begging for trouble. She's the perfect Huntress. The best of us. The one who would have pressed on. And like, historically putting people on pedestals like that has not gone well in this show (see: Pyrrha). Not to mention the way trying to be the perfect Huntress that Summer was has been affecting Ruby over the years.

Also, definitely totally unrelated to all of the above: I think paragons that turn to evil despite or indeed because of all their wonderful paragon qualities FUCK SEVERELY and I would like to see it.

#rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby volume 9 #tbh only very briefly but I wanna be safe #summer rose #ruby rose #salem rwby #tinfoil hat time #cw suicide mention #(Salem's canonical failed attempts)#long post

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actress4him · 1 year

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June of Doom 2023

Previous | Next | Masterlist

Taglist: @painful-pooch , @robinbugbanned

Day 11 - “We’re out of time.” | Firearm | Backseat | Self-defense

Day 12 - “It’s no use.” | Explosion | Fainting | Trembling

Also qualifies for @whumpawoman ’s Whump Girl Summer Day 7 - Sisterhood

Contains: lady whump with male whumper, captivity, gun violence, mild blood, death mention

“He left a chain out.”

Isa raises her head from where she’s curled on her side, blinking wearily at Lainey. “What?”

“Look!” She picks the chain up off the counter with a loud scrape and rattle, dangling it in the air for Isa to see. “He forgot to put it away before he locked the cabinet!”

Frowning, Isa lies back down, clearly not grasping the enormity of the situation. “Okay.”

“No, Isa look, it’s…” She crosses the room quickly, ignoring all the aches and pains that always accompany every movement, and crouches down next to the other girl. “This is finally something different. He’s never made a mistake like this before. There could be something we could do with this!” She examines the chain carefully, mind churning.

Isa wrinkles her nose. “Like what? We’re not going to chain ourselves up, he does that plenty.”

Lainey rolls her eyes. “No, like…this is heavy.” She hefts the metal in her hand, an idea beginning to form. “Especially the manacle part. What if…what if I could swing it at his head and knock him out?”

Now she’s got Isa’s attention. She picks her head up again, an incredulous look on her face. “What? No, Lainey, that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life.”

“Is not.” She huffs in frustration, swinging the chain like a pendulum. Isa doesn’t believe they can escape, she gets that. But why can’t she see this possibility when it’s literally right in front of her face? “Look, this thing is a weapon. He’s left us with something we can actually use to gain the upper hand here. I’m telling you, this could very easily knock somebody out if used the right way.”

“If.” Isa rolls over onto her back, grimacing as some part of her body apparently protests, and rubs her face with her hands. “You’re not as strong as you used to be, you’ve said it yourself. And if you missed, or you didn’t hit him hard enough the first time…do I need to explain to you how bad it would be?”

“Do I need to explain to you how bad it is, staying here for the rest of our lives and doing nothing to try and fix it?” Isa’s right, failing at this would be…catastrophic. But that’s why she doesn’t plan on failing. And if somehow she does…she’d rather get punished for trying to escape than sit on her butt and not try.

“I’m going to do this. You’re not going to talk me out of it. And I could really use your help, so I’d like it if you quit arguing and just accepted that this is happening.”

Isa shakes her head slowly. “How am I possibly gonna help your madcap plan?”

Grinning, Lainey jumps to her feet. “By using your magic! You can tell me when he’s coming so I can get ready. I’ll hide over here…” She strolls toward the alcove, where she’ll be out of sight of the stairs if she stands against the wall. “Oh, and maybe you can sit right here, at the corner, so he has to walk over here! Then you can give me some kind of verbal signal, we’ll have to decide what that should be, and I step out and swing it right at his head!” She demonstrates the action, rather poorly and awkwardly, unfortunately. The way the alcove is set up, she’d have to use her left hand to swing a direct path toward the man. Frowning in concentration, she moves back and forth a few times, trying to decide if there’s a way to use her right hand and get the same momentum.

“So not only are you going to get yourself punished for trying to hurt him and escape, you’re going to get me punished, too, for participating and using my magic.”

“No, I’m going to get us both out of here. Can you please have some faith for once?”

“No! Because this is a ridiculous plan that’s never going to work! And I’ve told you before, you’re not bringing me along on any wild escape. If you happen to somehow be able to knock him out and run, go for it. I will cheer you on and wish you the best. But I’m staying here, so that you have a better chance of actually making it.”

Lainey turns to face her squarely, fists clenching. “And I’ve told you before, I’m not leaving without you! So if you’re going to refuse to even try to run, I might as well give up this plan now. Put the chain back where I found it and pretend I never saw it.” The thought makes her want to scream and cry, but not as badly as the thought of making it to safety with Isa still trapped here. She doesn’t care what she says about finding help and coming back, she can’t trust that she’d still be alive and in one piece by the time she returned.

Slowly, painstakingly, Isa pushes herself up off the floor, propping herself up with her hands. “You’re seriously going to give up? Because I can’t come?”

“Because you won’t come,” Lainey corrects. “I know you think you can’t. But I swear we can figure out a way. I’ll carry you if I have to, just…please, Isa. Please let me help you.”

“You can’t carry me,” she deadpans. “You’re not much better off than I am.”

“I’m not in great shape, but I can do what it takes. And you can too!” She points straight at Isa, her frustration and desperation growing every moment. “Why won’t you just try and save yourself?”

“Because I’m scared!” The cry hangs in the silence that follows it. It’s not like neither of them knew that it was true, but having her say it out loud is different. More heart-wrenching.

Isa curls in on herself, hugging her legs. “I’m scared, Lainey. I’m scared of what he’ll do, I’m scared of you not making it out, I’m scared of me not making it out, I’m scared of one or both of us dying.”

Lainey stares down at the floor for a moment before replying. “I know.” Then her own admission - “I am, too. I’m scared of all those things. But either of us choosing to stay here scares me more than anything else.”

She’s quiet for another minute, rubbing her fingertips along the cool metal of the chain. “I’m going to practice. Will you…keep an ear out for him?”

Isa nods slowly, eyes on her feet. “Yeah.”

For the next while, Lainey practices stepping out from behind the corner and swinging the chain at an imaginary head over and over again, until her arm muscles are burning with that good, familiar soreness she used to thrive on at softball meets. She tries to think of different scenarios, of him passing the corner and seeing her before she can step out or him not coming far enough at all, tries to pinpoint how tall he is compared to her and how high she’ll have to aim.

Isa stays silent the whole time, but eventually she struggles to her feet and crosses the room to sit where Lainey had indicated earlier. She takes that to mean she’s planning to help, at least, which gives her a renewed sense of determination. Now she just needs to do her part, and convince Isa to run with her.

“Are you sure this is going to work?”

Lainey stops what she’s doing at Isa’s quiet words, looking down at her. “I’m positive.” Or at least she’s refusing to acknowledge the parts of her mind that aren’t so sure. “I’m going to at least stun him, which will give me plenty of opportunity to hit him again and knock him out. And as soon as that happens, we run for the stairs. You can even start heading that way before me, to give yourself a head start.”

Isa sighs. “Lainey…” Before she can say anything further, she stiffens, eyes cutting toward the stairs. “We’re out of time,” she whispers frantically.

Her heart suddenly pounding, Lainey dives behind the wall, pressing her back against the concrete blocks. Sure enough, the locks begin to creak seconds later.

“If I do this and you just sit there and refuse to come, I promise you that I will stay and take the punishment for it,” she whispers in a rush. Maybe it’s blackmail, just a bit, but she doesn’t care. She’ll do whatever it takes.

His footsteps sound on the wooden steps. The hand holding the chain is sweating, but she doesn’t dare adjust it, trying to hold everything completely still so it doesn’t make the faintest clink.

He pauses at the bottom of the stairs. “Where’s the other one?”

Too late, she realizes that they never came up with a cue to use. She’s just going to have to rely on Isa and whatever she can hear.

“In the corner, resting.”

Immediately her heart lurches at her hiding place being revealed, but she takes a deep breath and calms it back down. It’s fine, this is good. He needs to come over, he needs to know where she is. There’s not really another place she could be, anyway.

“Thinks she’s too good to bother getting up for me now?” Footsteps again. He’s coming her way.

“She might still be asleep,” Isa mumbles, but that doesn’t make sense as a cue, right? She’s on edge, weight on her toes, waiting, trying not to give into the urge to jump out too early and ruin everything.

Then it comes, short and straightforward - “Lainey!”

Just like she’d practiced, she pivots her body around and brings her arm forward with all her strength. The look of shock on his face just before the manacle makes contact is golden. Unfortunately, he’s a bit taller than she’d anticipated, and it smashes into his jaw instead of his skull.

Still incredibly satisfying. But not enough to knock him out.

He stumbles sideways, a string of curses spilling from his lips. “Go!” Lainey shouts, and to her immense relief she sees Isa scramble to her feet out of the corner of her eye.

She can’t focus on her right now, though. Switching the chain to her right hand, she steps forward again. She hadn’t practiced with her right arm. But it’s her dominant side, she’s more confident in it, and her left hand is so sweaty she’s afraid that the chain will slip right out of it. Besides, it’s much easier to hit a target that she can actually now see. Seconds after the first hit, the manacle slams into him again, this time squarely on the back of his head.

He falls forward, just barely catching himself against the wall where Isa had just been sitting. It’s clear that he’s disoriented, but just to be sure, Lainey swings the chain at him one last time.

It’s too bad that she can’t stay to watch him hit the floor, but she still hears him fall and internally cheers as she books it for the stairs.

Isa has only made it three-fourths of the way up, clutching the stair rail, when Lainey passes her. “Keep coming! I’m gonna look for keys!” If they can take his car, their chances of escape will be so much higher. Especially for Isa.

Throwing open that cursed door is a momentous occasion that she can’t stop and enjoy. Instead she plunges into the house - more like a cabin, from the looks of it - searching for the way out and for where car keys might be kept. It’s disturbingly…normal. A bachelor pad, obviously, with little in the way of decor or extraneous furniture, but otherwise just a normal cabin where a normal person would live. No one would ever guess walking in that there were two women being tortured in the basement.

The good news is that it’s small, so it doesn’t take long to find what seems to be the only door leading outside. And hanging on a hook beside the door is a car key.

“Got it!” she shouts, snatching it up. This is actually going the way she planned. This is actually working. They’re going to get out of here, she can feel it.

She hears the basement door shut and jogs back that way. Isa is leaning heavily against it, meticulously sliding and turning all the locks into place. Part of Lainey wants to urge her to come on, to leave it be, but the triumph of being able to lock him in the basement for once wins out.

As soon as the last lock is done, though, she grabs Isa’s arm and throws it over her shoulders. “Come on, let’s go! I’ve got the car key!”

Isa is silent as she half-drags her back through the house and out the front door, but Lainey can hear her harsh breathing and occasional bitten-back noises of pain in her ear. She’s torn between feeling bad for causing her pain, knowing it’s for her own good, wanting to slow down for her, and wanting to push her faster than what already feels like a snail’s pace. Her own body is holding up fine for now, the adrenaline doing its work as she’d predicted, but it’ll all catch up with her in a little while. Which is just another reason that they need to get going fast.

The car is parked out front - an older model grey sedan, nothing special. A wave of memories of being locked inside the trunk washes over her, but she forges ahead regardless, escorting Isa to the passenger side before running around and yanking the driver’s door open. The interior smells like must and stale food. As Isa falls into the passenger seat, panting, Lainey jams the key into the ignition and turns it.

The engine sputters, but fails to turn over. “No, no, come on, don’t do this to me, we were doing so well…” She tries again with the same result. “Come on!” A third time, pumping the gas pedal, and it finally roars to life, the radio immediately blasting out country music. “Yes!”

Isa swats at the radio dial while Lainey shoves the gear shift into reverse, throwing her arm behind the other seat so she can turn and see out the back as she swings the car around. Gravel flies out from underneath the skidding tires. “We are getting…the heck…out of…”

“Lainey!”

The strangled gasp from Isa has her spinning around to look out the front at the cabin. The door is opening. He’s stumbling outside, a stream of bright red blood trickling down the side of his face.

“Shoot! Crap, crap, shoot, dang it!” Her hand fumbles at the gear shift, finally managing to throw it into drive before slamming her foot down on the gas pedal. The driveway leads off into the woods, disappearing down a hill only yards from the house. Freedom is so close.

“It’s okay, it’s fine. He can’t get us, we’ve got the car and he’s got -”

A loud crack splits the air, making both of them jump and duck instinctively. “A gun,” Isa chokes out, hand gripping the door with white knuckles. “He’s got a gun!”

“Shoot!” She winces at her poor choice of words, glancing in the rearview mirror as the car careens down the narrow road. They can still get away. They have to. She just has to drive, and drive fast, and get them out of harm’s way.

Another shot rings out, and the car jolts, swinging out of control sideways. Isa cries out, she’s not sure if it’s from pain or pure fear. She doesn’t have time to check. She’s trying desperately to keep the car straight and moving despite the way one of the back wheels is now dragging, but then the back windshield shatters. Both girls jump again, screaming, and Lainey loses the tenuous control she had. The car nosedives off the side of the road into a bed of leaves and brush. Lainey’s hands scrabble at the steering wheel, her foot pumping the gas, but all she gets in return is spinning tires.

“Lainey he’s coming, he’s coming!”

The terror she feels is reflected in Isa’s voice. She jams her foot into the pedal one more time, flinging mud everywhere, then throws open her door. “It’s no use, get out! We’ve gotta go, get out, run!” There’s no way they can outrun bullets. Can they? Maybe if they head straight into the forest, dodge behind the trees…

She nearly falls out the door in her haste. Isa is stumbling out her side, and Lainey spends precious seconds debating whether she should go to help her or just start running. He’s coming up on them way too quickly, striding across the gravel like he’s confident that he can catch them without having to run.

Isa is starting toward her now. “Go, go!” She waves her hand frantically at Lainey, who does start running but stays sideways, looking back at Isa and the man.

“Come on!” She should go back. Isa’s not going to be fast enough, she’s trying her best but he’s gaining on her. Making a split second decision, Lainey changes her course, darting back toward Isa to see if she can drag her along.

She can’t let her get caught. She promised she’d help her, that they’d get her out of there no matter what kind of shape she was in. If she gets caught now, after going against her instincts and putting her trust in Lainey…she’d probably never forgive her. Besides the fact that he might kill her.

She’s running, but somehow it feels like she’s making no progress. The man’s eyes are trained on Isa. The look on her face is desperate and pained and terrified, but the terror takes over completely when his hand reaches out and snatches her backwards by her shirt. Her scream imbeds itself in Lainey’s chest.

Her feet skid to a halt of their own volition. “Isa!”

“Go!” His arm slings across her chest, pulling her back into him, but she leans into it with all her might, sobbing. “Lainey run!”

No, no she can’t, she can’t! He has Isa, she can’t just run off and leave her! That’s the one thing she swore she wouldn’t do!

Another gunshot makes her jolt, hands automatically covering her ears. Isa’s scream this time is strangled. She crumples in his arms and he lets her fall, and Lainey’s thoughts freeze.

He shot her. She doesn’t even know where, couldn’t see where the gun was pointing, but now she’s on the ground, what if she’s dead? Did he kill her? Right there, right in front of her?

The gun swings upward, points straight at her. Lainey takes one step backwards, then two. Run! her instincts are shouting, but Isa is right there…

Isa gasps a shuddering breath and turns her face up toward Lainey. “Go! Get help!”

Her heart feels like it’s tearing from her chest, but she turns and flees into the forest just as a bullet whizzes past her shoulder.

#juneofdoom #day 11 #day 12 #whumpgirlsummer #day 7 #lady whump #lady whumpee #mild blood #captivity #death mention tw #gun violence #failed escape attempt #lainey and isa #two whumpees #urban fantasy #magical whumpee #whump writing #whump series

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amberjazmyn · 29 days

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"i'm still here though, aren't i?"💔🫶

pairing : esteban ocon x fem!ocon reader, platonic f1 grid x fem!ocon reader, mick schumacher x fem!ocon reader

summary : esteban's teenage sister, lottie (collette), had attempted suicide and for the first time since it happened, the brother and sister got into a heated argument in the paddock because lottie refused to talk about it to her brother. this was the argument in which lottie realised just how wrong she was and why it hurt her older brother so much.

warnings : angst, older brother x esteban, fatherless x esteban, fatherless x lottie, failed suicide attempt, teenage sister, crying, yelling

a/n : this will be an awfully heavy one-shot so, like always, please read with caution or don't read at all. flashbacks to the event of lottie's attempt will be in italics, as will all the other flashbacks and the present time will be in normal font and everything will be in lowercase like all my sad ones have been recently. i love you all and please, stay safe

a/n : like i have already mentioned in the tags, from my knowledge, esteban's dad is still very much alive and he does not have a sister called lottie since esteban is actually an only child. i also had the thought of writing this for mick schumi but then realised it didn't sit right with me so i decided i'd do it for estie but i did make it that lottie is dating mick!

in hindsight, esteban should have known that there was something wrong with his teenage sister, lottie but, he just thought that he was becoming too much of a helicopter brother and turning into their deceased father. i mean, lottie is esteban's youngest sister and one of his two other remaining family members that were alive so, esteban didn't want to constantly get in his sister's way. he wanted her to have some freedom, especially now that she was eighteen, having just turned that age the day before her attempt. however, he should have realised that maybe, he shouldn't have been so far away from his beloved baby sister to the point where she felt like as a last resort to get her older brother's attention that she had to attempt suicide, let alone even think about it for esteban to realise that she still needs her older brother.

lottie's attempt

it was everything she could have ever wanted. the bathtub was nearly spilling over with water from the bath and the adjacent shower that was sure to run cold in minutes if not seconds. the razor blades, a mix of hers and her brothers, some knives big and small and something resembling an ice pick all rested on a side table that had been brought in, with a large envelope with letters that had been handwritten for every single person in lottie's life from her mum, deceased dad, her brother esteban and her f1 grid best friends all resting in clear view on the side table. she was all still dressed in what she had worn for her birthday dinner the night before, a sweet little white dress that had cut-outs on the side. carefully she stepped into the overflowing bathtub and she began to cut her wrists with one of the few razor blades that she had stolen from her brother's bathroom. lottie had been cutting at her wrists for the past few minutes before she realised she wasn't getting anywhere and she wasn't bleeding as much as she hoped she would. so, that was when she had to bring in the big guns, figuratively.

eighteen-year-old lottie ocon had somehow managed to find an ice pick in her family home and snuck it away into her room when no one was looking. she had grabbed the ice pick, about to stab through one of the major arteries that would have killed her if stabbed in the right place, when the noise of her brother and f1 grid best friends coming home scared her due to the loud front door closing. this then scared lottie, more than she'd ever admit to anyone which caused her to fumble with the ice pick, trying to grab it when it nicked her in the shoulder, causing her to scream and fall back into the bath. the scream obviously made everyone downstairs jump slightly in fear but none more so than esteban. without another second to think, alongside charles, they ran up the stairs and into the bathroom whilst pierre and lando took care of everything downstairs. the two eldest boys ran into esteban's bathroom and what they then saw wasn't something that would easily be erased from their memories.

"collette louisa rose ocon!" esteban's loud but worried voice called out, reverberating throughout the house as his sister, who had since fainted from the loss of blood and open wounds, lay unresponsive in the bathtub of her older brother's bathroom

"allez lottie! qu'est-ce que tu t'es fait?!" esteban calls out in french, his accent at its fullest as the two men walk upstairs and straight away, the two of them walk into esteban's bedroom as the majority of the time, he would come home after a long shooting day and either lottie would be asleep cuddled up to his girlfriend, her sister in law, or watching netflix come on lottie! what have you done to yourself?!

however, this time, the tv nor anything else was on to suggest that the scream had come from a tv show or even a youtube video. this obviously sparked the worst fear and unsettling feeling in esteban especially because he knew that flava was with her parents and extended family. the unsettling feeling also capturing charles as the feeling only made them rush into that room that much quicker. once it was realised that none of the downstairs tvs were on so something had to have happened to lottie. it had to be something bad because that scream now could have only come from her.

without even thinking about the fact that his sister could be right in front of the bathroom door about to come out to say it was all a big misunderstanding or that nothing was really wrong, esteban took his chance and kicked in his bathroom door. this then revealed something that was both from his nightmares and only ever seen in the tv and movies that he watched. esteban's entire body almost inwardly collapsed as he tried to think as rationally as he could to get help for his little sister. charles immediately without a second to think, blink or breathe, yanked his phone from his pocked and dialled 112, requesting the closest ambulance whilst esteban attempted to grab his sister's collapsed, wet, bloodied unconscious body out of the bath. which, as you can imagine, ended up being more of a challenge than both men thought. especially when they considered the fact that lottie was fully dressed and the mixture of being completely soaked making her that much heavier to pick up.

"…estie, les ambulanciers ont été appelés, l'ambulance la plus proche est à trois minutes. est-ce que…as-tu besoin d'un coup de main?" charles calls out, calm and collected as he places his phone to the ground aimlessly to see that esteban was more than struggling to get his younger sister out of the bathtub in his bathroom estie, the paramedics have been called, their closest ambulance is three minutes away. do...do you need a hand?

"s'il te plaît, charles? je suis tellement confuse, qu'est-ce qu'elle a fait, putain?" esteban mumbled to himself as he tried to figure out what his sister could have even done to herself to draw this amount of blood please charles? i'm so confused, what...what did she fucking do?

after assisting esteban with removing lottie from the bathtub and to the frenchman's bed, charles had caught onto the things that were resting next to the bathtub and the bathroom sink. he almost choked on his own voice which caught esteban's attention as he looked up from stroking lottie's hair as he sat next to her on his bed.

"tu vas bien charles? tu as trouvé quelque chose?" esteban spoke up as he tried to attend to his little sister and dry her before the paramedics arrived you alright charles? did you find something?

"estie, il y a un mélange de tes lames de rasoir, ses lames de rasoir, un assortiment de couteaux et… et un pic à glace… elle a trouvé un pic à glace, se poignardant car elle n'était pas satisfaite que ses lames de rasoir et ses couteaux ne soient pas faisant tout ce qu'elle voulait, alors elle a essayé de se poignarder directement…" charles trailed off, really making esteban feel sick estie, there's a mix of your razor blades, her razor blades, an assortment of knives and...and an ice pick...she found an ice pick, stabbing herself since she felt unsatisfied that her razor blades and knives weren't doing as much as she wanted them to so she tried to directly stab herself

"...how...how did she even know what an ice pick is, let alone find one, charles?" esteban stammered out, not even able to be mad or blame anyone as charles just shook his head, not knowing either how...how did she even know what an ice pick is, let alone find one, charles?

"je..je ne sais pas estie, je…je n'aurais jamais imaginé qu'un membre de ta famille en possède un, alors où l'a-t-elle trouvé?" charles was just as flabbergasted that his best friend's younger sister could have found an ice pick just like how esteban was shocked that his sister could find it i...i don't know estie, i...i would have never imagined anyone in your family owning one so where did she find it?

"elle était clairement très intelligente et particulière à ce sujet," charles mumbled as esteban nodded his head as the two of them then focused back over to lottie who was still unconscious and unresponsive when esteban realised something she was clearly very smart and particular about it though

it confused him because it was very obvious that, where her stab wound from the ice pick was, was not where she was clearly intending for it to be. then it clicked in esteban's head, realising what his little sister had tried to do and it made him dizzy, feel sick and choke on his tears. his eyes then followed his sister to the bathroom sink where charles had previously found the ice pick, knives and razor blades and then found an envelope. this moment was when it seemed like it all finally connected and made sense to esteban and it was a connection that seemed to be all too obvious as well. lottie's accident was anything but an accident.

esteban finally realised that she had done this all on purpose because she was trying to commit suicide but, ultimately failed. this all made sense when he thought about the stab wound in lottie's shoulder, she wouldn't have ever stabbed herself in the shoulder if she wanted to kill herself, no one would, she was obviously trying to get her neck or an artery where she would have died instantly. it seemed as if the moment that he and the grid had walked into the house that the door slamming due to the loud winds outside scared lottie, hence the failed stab wound on her part. however, esteban had never been so grateful for the fact he had caught his sister on time, he couldn't lose another family member for the second time in the span of a couple of years, not again. he was also glad when the loud intrusive noises of the ambulance sirens were heard, it meant that his sister had the possibility of being saved. charles also had a moment to breathe as well as what he had seen was also traumatising for him, sure, he wasn't actually lottie's biological brother or family, and neither were the other f1 drivers but, those boys are the closest things to esteban.

present time

despite being discharged from the hospital for about two months now, lottie was still stuck on the fact that she didn't owe anyone an explanation of what happened so, she refused to talk about what happened and why she did what she did. this was something that the extended f1 grid family understood because it was a boundary for her and, they didn't push it. however, esteban, her brother, did because that's his little sister, of course, he was going to push it because he wanted an answer from his sister. something, anything, just one little thing that could satisfy him enough that he could breathe and go to sleep easier at night without worrying about something else horrible happening to his sister. and go into a race weekend without having to worry about whether or not his sister is okay. however, lottie wasn't ready to provide an answer for her brother just yet and, usually, esteban would 100% understand that but, this time, he couldn't let it go. the last time that happened, he nearly lost his baby sister, his only sibling, and was almost a suicide statistic. that was something he did not want, not at all, not again, especially since their dad was part of the heart attack death statistic. he wasn't wanting to take that chance again only to possibly lose his sister again.

"...lottie, fille ange, pouvons-nous discuter s'il te plaît?" esteban suddenly asks his sister as she had come into the paddock to watch the race easier, having a chat with her sister-in-law flava and kika, pierre's girlfriend lottie, angel girl, can we have a chat please?

"bien sûr que nous pouvons estie, quoi de neuf?" lottie smiled, saying a quick goodbye to flava and kika before sitting down on the bench next to her brother sure we can estie, what's up?

"je sais que ça fait deux mois que c'est arrivé, l'accident. je comprends que tu refuses de m'en parler et que tu dis toujours que tu ne dois d'explication à personne. ce n'est pas moi qui vous fais délibérément en parler en détail, mais pouvez-vous juste me donner quelque chose… n'importe quoi comme raison pour laquelle vous pensiez que votre vie était si insignifiante que vous avez fait le choix que vous avez fait?" esteban spoke calmly, he wasn't raising his voice, he wasn't making a scene, he was just simply and kindly asking his sister a question that had been eating at his insides for an entire two months i know that it's been two months since it happened, the accident. i understand that you refuse to talk to me about it and that you always say you don't owe anyone an explanation. this is not me purposefully making you talk about it in full detail but, can you just give me something...anything as a reason why you though your life was so insignificant that you made the choice that you did?

lottie, however, didn't hear and process that question the same way. she saw that as her brother invading and attacking her personal space. and, she hated it on the outside even though her insides were just waiting to hear it because she just wanted to be heard but at the same time, she didn't because of how stubborn she is.

"estie, s'il te plaît, arrête! je ne suis pas prêt à en parler, alors pouvons-nous, s'il vous plaît, ne pas avoir cette conversation, surtout ici?" lottie begged as she gulped, obviously embarrassed over the fact that she was in the paddock of a grand prix and it was being talked about - not because of what she did estie, please, stop! i'm not ready to talk about it so, can we please not have this conversation, especially here?

"lottie, je t'ai donné ton espace et ton temps même si cela me donne mal au ventre chaque jour! peux-tu s'il te plaît juste me donner quelque chose? fais-moi comprendre ta version de l'histoire. est-ce que tu comprends au moins ce que tu as fait?" esteban slightly raises his voice which makes lottie panic slightly because, in all truthfulness, the girl had no real understanding or concept of the consequences her suicide attempt had lottie, i've given you your space and time even though it has made me sick to my stomach every single day! can you please just give me something? make me understanding your sie of the story. do you even understand what you did?

"je comprends ce que j'ai fait et cela m'énerve chaque jour où j'ai échoué. pourquoi penses-tu que j'ai essayé en premier lieu?" now lottie was raising her voice and it was becoming quite clear that at this point, she was not meaning what she was saying - she didn't even realise the words she was even saying, she literally just wanted to one-up her brother i do understand what i did and it annoys me every single day that i failed. why do you think i attempted it in the first place?

"lottie, fille ange, tu ne veux pas dire ça!" esteban was getting more and more agitated, lottie could tell and whilst it broke her heart, it made her want to fight him even more so, she did lottie, angel girl, you don't mean that!

"je le pense vraiment, esteban ! si seulement vous n'étiez pas tous les quatre rentrés à la maison au bon moment et qu'il n'y avait pas autant de vent, le pic à glace ne m'aurait pas entaillé l'épaule. cela m'aurait frappé directement dans l'artère carotide et je serais mort en quelques minutes, voire quelques secondes!" lottie's voice was loud, it was aggressive, it was mean and there was no ounce of regret or remorse for what she said and it hurt everyone that heard it i really do mean it, esteban! if only it wasn't for the fact that all of you boys came home at the exact right time and it wasn't so windy, the ice pick wouldn't have nicked my shoulder. it would've got me straight in the carotid artery and i would have been dead within minutes if not seconds!

lottie was smart, of course, she was! her mum was a stay at home mum but was nevertheless a smart cookie and her dad, when he was still alive was a mechanic before they sold it so they could support esteban's motorsport passion. and of course, esteban was also a very intelligent man. however, sometimes, lottie overshoot herself and make choices that came from only hearing one person's point of view. which is what was happening right now which caused her to be confused and hard-headed. it was very obvious that what lottie was saying right now was nothing remotely close to what she'd usually say, even if it sounded and looked as if she meant it without any regret. right now she'd usually be trying to backtrack or explain herself which would sometimes cause her to breakdown. lottie knew that no matter what, she'd always be given the comfort she needed and the forgiveness even after her suicide attempt and the way she was acting right now.

"collette louisa rose ccon, réalises-tu les dommages du choix que tu as fait il y a deux mois? comprenez-vous la douleur que cela m'a fait subir?" nicky's voice was going up an octave due to his emotions slowly taking over as he stood up collette louisa rose ocon, do you realise the damage from that choice you made two months ago? do you understand the pain it put me through?

"peut-être que oui, et peut-être pas, mais je suis toujours là, n'est-ce pas?" lottie screeched as she also stood up to match her brother whilst esteban stood back in shock as he shook his head maybe i do and maybe i don't but i'm still here though, aren't i?

"oui, tu es là! je suis putain de content que tu sois encore en vie, mais si tu comprends et écoute vraiment ce que je vais dire ensuite, alors tu comprendras vraiment le chagrin, la douleur, l'horreur et l'anxiété dans lesquels tu m'as mis, ainsi que chaque conducteur ce paddock à travers!" esteban paused as lottie locked her jaw as she braced herself for what her brother was going to say next yes, you are here! i'm fucking glad you're still alive but if you just understand and really listen to what i'm going to say next, then you'll truly understand the grief, pain, horror and anxiety you put me and every single driver in this paddock through!

"collette, non seulement tu as volé un pic à glace à je ne sais même pas où ni qui et tu as attrapé tous les couteaux que tu pouvais trouver, mais tu as aussi brisé tous les rasoirs de ma salle de bain et tu as emmené ce putain de pic à glace dans ce qui était à l'origine ta carotide artère et de vous poignarder dans ma baignoire après avoir réalisé que le simple fait de vous couper n'allait pas vous tuer ni vous satisfaire suffisamment. tu n'as aucune idée à quel point Charles et moi avons été horrifiés quand nous avons entendu ce cri et t'avons vu allongé là, inconscient, dans ma baignoire remplie d'eau ensanglantée…" collette, you not only stole an ice pick from i don't even know where or who and grabbed any knife you could find, but you also broke apart every single razor in my bathroom and took that fucking ice pick to what was originally your carotid artery and stab yourself in my bathtub after you realised that just cutting yourself wasn't going to kill yourself or satisfy you enough. you have no idea how horrified charles and i were when we heard that scream and saw you laying there just unconscious in my bathtub that was filled with bloodied water

"...esteban--"

"--non! collette, tu ne parles pas parce que tu ne sembles pas comprendre la gravité des conséquences de tes actes d'il y a deux mois!" no! collette, you don't get to speak because you don't seem to grasp the seriousness of the consequences of your actions from two months ago!

"vous n'avez aucune idée à quel point pierre et lando ont eu peur lorsqu'ils ont également entendu ce cri venant d'en bas alors qu'ils regardaient charles et moi nous précipiter dans les escaliers pour t'aider, pour être sûrs que tu restes en vie! vous n'avez aucune idée du nombre de larmes que j'ai pleuré dans cet hôpital, du nombre d'heures que j'ai passées éveillées à espérer et à prier tous les dieux auxquels je pouvais penser, en espérant juste que vous vous réveilliez!" you have no clue how scared pierre and lando were when they also heard that scream from downstairs as they watched charles and i rush up those stairs to help you, to make sure you stayed alive! you don't have any clue how many tears i cried at that hospital, how many hours i spent laying awake hoping and praying to any and every god i could think of, just hoping that you would wake up!

"combien de cauchemars ai-je fait dans lesquels je me précipitais dans cette pièce et ne parvenais pas à te sauver? combien d'heures ai-je passé assis dans cette horrible chaise inconfortable, mon corps tout entier étant engourdi parce que je n'avais pas bougé un seul membre de ce siège? la dernière fois que je me suis senti aussi impuissant, c'est quand j'ai dû sauter et sprinter hors de ma putain de voiture de formule 1 après avoir découvert que quelque chose n'allait pas avec papa, puis on m'a dit qu'il s'était effondré au travail et qu'il était mort plus tard, collette." how many nightmates i had about me running into that room and not being able to save you? how many hours i spent sitting in that god-awful comfortable chair, my entire body going numb because i didn't move one single limb off of that seat? the last time i felt this helpless was when i had to jump and sprint out of my fucking formula one car after finding out something was wrong with dad then being told he collapsed at work and then later died, collette

"i am trying, i am trying so fucking hard to take care of you on my own without mum to make sure you are happy. i am so desperately sorry that whatever it was that i did had made you feel this way and that was what you had to do to get my attention. if it was my fault, i will take full responsibility for it but, please, just give me one little piece of anything that will tell me why you thought writing those suicide letters and trying to kill yourself was the right thing to do. just so i can go to sleep and my races without the crippling fear that you'll try to do it again when i'm asleep or in the car and not able to help you causing me to only be left with one less family member. please, i beg you, collette, just talk to me..." esteban's anger trailed away as did his agitated french as he spoke in english as he saw the way his sister's face changed as tears welled in her eyes

this was the first time since it happened that lottie was finally able to comprehend the consequences of her suicide attempt had actually done to everyone. this comprehension of her consequences scared the living crap out of her and now she understood what everyone else was going through. finally, it had sunk into her head that she did try to kill herself with an ice pick that even she couldn't remember where she found it and that she was originally aiming for her carotid artery after the scars on her arm weren't as effective as she thought they would be before resorting to the ice pick. she couldn't even say anything before she let her head tipped to the floor as she started to cry. esteban stepping two steps forward as he held her as her cries got louder, not able to find it within herself to stop crying.

"...i...i am so sorry esteban," she whimpered out in english as her soft, tearful apology broke esteban's heart into millions of tiny pieces as he hugged his sister tightly, grateful that the race wasn't actually going to continue due to the prolonged red flag

"oh, lottie, angel, ssh. it's okay," esteban spoke softly as he hugged his little sister as tightly as he ever had before whilst everyone else just watched on hoping that the both of them would stop their fighting

"no esteban, it wasn't okay and it'll never be okay. i...i had no reason to even think like that," lottie sobbed out as she hadn't clutched onto her brother's shirt this tight in years

"you're human, lottie, that's all you need to be told to know that what you were feeling was incredibly valid. in fact, i am so incredibly sorry that i didn't see the signs earlier. i love you so much collette louisa rose ocon, i really do. you are my entire world, you are one of the very last things that dad helped bless me with and if i was to be on this earth without you, i...i really don't know how i'd still be able to breathe every day. you along with mum and my f1 family are my one reason, the only thing in have and need to know that i am allowed to smile and continue on with my life. and that is because lottie, you are my little sister! i love you so incredibly much and whilst you scare me half the time *tearful giggles* i wouldn't want to change anything about you because i can't. all i can do is siply guide you through life like mum and dad and just hope that what i'm doing is right. you are such an intelligent girl that i truly do worry about you but my god, you have no clue how thankful i am that your eyes opened on that day two months ago! i am so beyond thankful that you woke up..." esteban trailed off as lottie managed to calm herself down but remained silent in her brother's embrace, ignoring that most likely this had been filmed by the f1 media and was being aired live as they moved back to sit down

two months ago

it seemed as though esteban would be waiting an eternity before his little sister would open her eyes and wake up from the coma she had been placed in after her suicide attempt. right at this moment, however, esteban didn't care how long it took as he wouldn't be moving a single muscle until his sister's gorgeous blue eyes opened, which the entire family had inherited, and looked back into his own blue eyes. he didn't care that he was losing sleep, that he was constantly dehydrated from refusing food and drink and all the tears he was crying. he didn't care that his entire body was slowly becoming numb due to staying in the same position day in and day out. the older brother was even refusing to work because he didn't want to miss the moment his sister opened her eyes. he was adamant that his little sister was going to pull through and recover from her attempt and live another day. esteban just wanted some belief that his little sister wasn't going to die on him, he had already been through that with their father.

he really didn't want to go through it a second time for another year because that year with the loss of not just their dad but so many good friends which were so traumatic that he almost gave up his own life before lottie, still unbeknownst to her, literally saved his life. he never wanted his sweet, precious little sister, his innocent and loving little collete louisa rose to be subjected to such pain, the same one that he had from their dad's death that it never registered in his mind that she was also hurting from their dad's death which he ignored. obviously unintentionally as he'd never intentionally ignore his sister, ever. but this time, he was just so caught up in his own way of taking care of business whilst trying to stay afloat that he, completely forgot that lottie was going through the same exact thing but maybe just that much more because of how young she was when their dad died at seventeen.

"lottie, angel, i...i am so sorry!" esteban's exhausted, desperate voice apologised, his head resting on his sister's bed as he begged for the little (eighteen-year-old) girl to just open her eyes

"i'm so sorry that i was so ignorant of your feelings and how much you were missing dad! i...i just got so caught up in everything that i-"

"-estie?" a soft, delicate but barely audible voice grabbed esteban's attention

straight away, his head snapped up and the second his faded blue eyes met with his sister's faded blue eyes, he almost choked on his words

"lottie?" his weak voice whispered as lottie struggled to push herself up against the bed's frame, esteban fully straightened himself out as he was still trying to comprehend what happened

lottie's vision blurred, as did esteban's, as she tried to figure out in her head where she was when, it did finally click in her head where she was, ignoring what she had done. all she allowed herself to know was that she was in the hospital in monaco.

"lottie!" esteban's voice cracked as lottie moved closer to her brother and he also moved closer as esteban hugged his sister, a hug that had been long overdue

"i...i am so sorry!" lottie whispered into the hug as all esteban cared about right now was that his sister was awake, knowing that for a while, lottie would be very stubborn, ignorant and pretend it didn't exist so, for her, that's what he did as well

"no, no, it's okay! don't apologise angel! you're awake, that's all that matters to me!" esteban cooed as a nurse must have realised that lottie had woken up as within a couple of minutes, lottie was having her vitals checked and was taken off of all the extra tubes she was attached to as it was very obvious she was now awake after they had taken her out of the coma the night before

however, she was having to stay in the hospital for a while in the suicide watch ward just to make sure she was safe enough on her own which, she and esteban understood perfectly. it just meant that by the time she was discharged that she'd have a lot of explaining to do, not just to herself but, also to her f1 grid family.

lottie's twenty-first birthday

today was the third anniversary of lottie's failed suicide attempt as well as the day after her twenty-first birthday which was a big deal for her and her family. meaning that in another two months' time, it was going to be the "anniversary" of the argument that the brother and sister had about the said suicide attempt. since that day, the two of them, esteban and lottie, had been going to therapy and not once was it regretted. it worked so well that not once did the brother or sister hold back on their feelings and, it truthfully brought the two of them unexplainably closer together.

however, there was one singular thing that stood out to esteban the most about his sister's attempt those three years ago. it was something she had said at one of the therapy sessions she had invited charles, esteban's teammate and one of her f1 brothers, who had also found her that day three years ago. despite how soul-destroyingly simple it was, it made so much sense and everything clicked in the two men's heads. the mantra that every single person had told her after losing their dad, that it was going to get better and that everything was going to be okay, had been lost so far down into lottie's mind. to the point that she forgot that she had been given permission to not be okay and feel like nothing was going to get better that it had confused her and meddled with her mind. for so long that it felt like nothing was working for her anymore that the only option that she thought was going to help her was to try and kill herself.

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estebanocon collette louisa rose ocon, my sweet angel. twenty-one years ago yesterday i was given the biggest blessing in the entire world, i was given you, my little sister. whilst you have gone through so much in the last three years, i couldn't have been any prouder of how you've gotten up off the floor and continued on. you inspire me every single day and i know you inspire every single person in our family, both blood-related and extended f1 family. i know i always say this but, you are truly the reason why me and mum are able to wake up every morning and smile. i know we've had it rough, especially with dad's death a few years ago, the losses of other friends and your suicide attempt three years ago today as well as your birthday yesterday. i am so proud of the way you've handled all of these hardships whilst also being so positive at the same time. since the attempt three years ago, you've never once allowed yourself to give up because you want to prove to that scared little eighteen-year-old lottie that you are strong and that you can do everything and anything you put your mind to because you are lottie louisa rose ocon and we never give up, ever! i know mum is proud of you, as am i but, never forget how proud dad is of you. we are so grateful that we were blessed with you as my sister and daughter. i know you had an amazing birthday yesterday but have fun in greece with the girls and your boyfriend and i hope all of your wishes come true. i love you forever and a day lottie, i love you every single day 🤍🤍

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colletteocon aw, estie, you are my favourite person in the entire world! i love you so much and thank you for being such an amazing older brother! i never take you for granted, love you most estie 🤍🤍

estebanocon colletteocon🤍🤍 i'm glad to be your favourite person in the world

charlesleclerc happy twenty-first lottie lots! have an amazing weekend and drink responsibly 🤍🤍

pierregasly happy birthday lottie! what a sweet birthday message this is esteban!

francisca.cgomes this is so precious. happy birthday my sweet lottie louisa 🤍🤍

flava.barla happy twenty-first sister-in-law! be safe in greece 🤍🤍

username this was such a sweet post for your sister, esteban!

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colletteocon you turn twenty-one, travel to greece and live your mamma mia fantasy with your besties and boyfriend! 📸 mickschumacher

happy twenty-first for yesterday collette louisa rose ocon. it makes me so happy to see you turn twenty-one. three years ago, you weren't even thinking this far ahead or even making nineteenth but, you did. now you're twenty-one and whilst you have been able to drink since you were eighteen, you can now drink in america! you used to be so shy, anxious, depressed, insecure and suicidal and you didn't like having any attention to yourself. now, at twenty-one, you've grown up to be so sassy, gorgeous, confident, loving, courageous, happy and a hilarious young woman who has a smoking hot lad for a boyfriend, even better that he's also an f1 driver, mick, one amazing brother esteban and another entire group of people who you call your family who has seen you grown up as you live your best life and i couldn't be prouder of you.

it's also been a couple of years since dad died, since others we love have died and three years since you thought the entire world would be better without you so you tried to stab yourself in the neck. you ended up fumbling with the ice pick and nicked your shoulder because your older brother and f1 brothers had all come home at the same time, and the mixture of the strong winds and the closing of the door scared you. you were admitted to the hospital for two months but after turning nineteen, twenty and now twenty-one, you are so beyond grateful that you survived the attempt. you don't regret the attempt because both you and esteban promised that after that day, you'd live without regrets, you just wished that you felt confident in talking to esteban or someone else about your emotions and the things that you had happening inside of your brain that could have prevented the suicide attempt. you can't even begin to imagine the thought process that would have been going through esteban and charles' heads but as well as the rest of your best friends heads the second they heard your scream reverberate through the house. just thinking about it makes you nauseous and upsets you, so you don't like to think about it often, but when you do, you always find yourself apologising. no longer to your brother and family but, to yourself for ever feeling that sad that you thought killing yourself was the best option when it's very clear now that, that choice was the worst choice you could have ever tried to make.

happy twenty-first collette louisa rose ocon. you deserve all the happiness in the world, even if it took a mile run, a deep underwater swim and a struggle to get here, i'm glad you made it safely. i love you forever and a day you gorgeous angel 🤍🤍

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estebanocon i am so proud of you lottie. this post made me cry just so you know. but i love you so much and i hope you, mick and the girls have an amazing time in greece 🤍🤍

colletteocon estebanocon i love you too esteban and i'm also proud of myself! and we are having the best time in greece thank you 🤍🤍

mickschumacher i love you, babe! i am so glad you're still here, you make my world so much brighter every single day 🤍🤍

colletteocon mickschumacher thank you, my love! and you make my world so much brighter every day 🤍🤍

sebastianvettel ain't no way you're twenty-one! happy birthday lottie, i'm glad you're still here with us chickadee 🤍🤍

colletteocon sebastianvettel ain't no way you still love me? thank you uncle seb, i'm glad too 🤍🤍

maxverstappen1 who said you could post this? don't be making me so emotional now!

colletteocon maxverstappen1 i did? and i'm sorry okay!!!

charlesleclerc uhhh who said you could turn twenty-one? because last time i checked, i thought i banned you from turning another year older?! seriously though, i'm always going to be glad knowing that you're still here 🤍🤍

colletteocon charlesleclerc the circle of life? and thank you charlie, i am as well 🤍🤍

pierregasly happy twenty-first lottie! have fun and be safe in greece!

colletteocon pierregasly thank you pierre! and i don't think its actually legal for me to have fun without you and the rest of the grid but i'll try ;)

flava.barla happy twenty-first babe! be safe and don't be too sexy in greece, i know what you and schumi are like together ;)

colletteocon flava.barla flava! how would you know what me and my boyfriend do?! do you stalk us you creepy little snake?! 😂

it's okay to struggle but, it is not okay to stop the fight. one wise man once told me to always keep fighting and you should do the same because it's pretty cool.

fin

that's a wrap! i have not rewritten this one in a while and i do apologise for putting poor estie bestie through the wringer of my angsty rollarcoaster. next time i write for estie it won't be this sad!

#formula one #esteban ocon #angst #mentions of minor character death #if any of these topics trigger you please do not read because it is not my fault if these triggers and warnings are ignored #esteban's dad is very much still alive fyi #mentions of suicide attempt #failed suicide attempt #yelling #crying

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