#not to mention the fucking shit i've been going through since my treatment ended

[cordeliawhohung]

sometimes i worry so much about how i need to write more and then i look at my 2024 writings document and realize i've written 120k words so far since the beginning of 2024. and that's only counting the works i've kept track of. there's def a lot of ps!gaz and mafia!141 i haven't put in that document. and that's not counting the at least 5k words of wips i haven't posted or counted yet.

i've been writing so much yet hardly realized how far i've come, and yet i still allow these "part 2?" "when are you coming out with the next part?" "will there be a next part" asks to get to my head as if i haven't written a whole novels worth of shit for people to read lmao. sometimes i forget just how much work i'm actually doing, and i need to be easier on myself when i'm still trying to make myself write after a busy ass 10 hour shift at the clinic.

ANYWAY i love you guys and i will hopefully have a surprise price x reader one shot out tomorrow as well as some pornstar!gaz stuff this weekend <3

[rin-and-jade]

hey I'm from the same system as 🌺, and I wanna add some stuff because unlike her I'm not blind to the abuse.

we are homeschooled so when the verbal abuse happened there wasn't anywhere else to escape to, I remember I used to literally hide behind things when I was younger.

I didn't learn to read until I was 10, and I'm dyslexic and autistic and dyspraxic and dyscalculic. so I absolutely suffered in academics for basically my whole life, my mother used to sit down with me and watch me stare at the work in front of my face and then yell at me because I didn't do it. or I messed up, or any slew of things fuck.

I was undiagnosed for autism for literally most of my life, I only got diagnosed when I was 13-14. so for a long long part of my childhood I was berated, yelled at, given the silent treatment, not comforted when I needed it and other stuff.

this is definitely because of her upbringing, and generational trauma. she's better now, but the damage has been done. and if I ever tried to bring this shit up now she'd just call me a liar, she loves to call me a liar.

after I learned how to read, I basically had to learn how to spell and write myself. I preferred it that way, because every time she try's to teach me stuff it always ended with me crying and her yelling.

oh I didn't even mention all the "talks" she has given me, basically telling me to "shape up, you're not doing anything with your life." when I have no freedoms? the digiverse is my only freedom, has been since I was a kid. I try to talk to her about my interests and she waves me away, though its gotten better. I still am not sure about her claims.

I literally can't go out by myself, I'm 17. I'm literally going to be 18 in a couple months and I've to this day never been on a trip somewhere on my own, I know I'm a bit oblivious at times. but I've always wanted that in my life.

maybe I'll get it now when I go to Tafe in person, and meet people. god I fucking hope.

I went through a lot of medical trauma from being hospitalised as a 6 month old because hot tea spilled on me, to asthma hospitalisations and more.

all under the age of 10 mind you, I've always been the "problem" child. mostly because of all my medical issues, and developmental issues. my addiction to YouTube, and screens in general. is it an addiction when it's literally the only thing that stops me from bursting into tears?

I didn't have friends for most of my life, and the ones I did. I only saw them at most once a week, most of the time it was once or twice a month until they grew tired of me.

I've had nice things, but all I really wanted was someone to listen to me. I used to literally wish everyday for most of my life, its only stopped now because I have AN ACTUAL FRIEND. and I'd kill everyone and then myself for him literally. (I'm referencing a meme)

but I was lonely most of my life, I love my siblings but its just not the same. I couldn't share my thoughts and feelings because they'd just tell mother.

once I had a friend group on this game, Cat game (that's literally what they are called.) and I was happy. a bit stressed because of drama, but it was nice to have someone who listened and cared.

I'm tempted to go back, but I just can't risk it. my family thought they were groomers, those people were more likely to be groomed then be groomers. I'm not dumb, I still feel bad for my abrupt departure.

but at least they know I loved them dearly, if like I mentioned any of my moots. or the fact I talk so outwardly on the internet they'd ban me actually ban me forever. and I can't let go of my one healthy coping mechanism.

I don't think I could ever tell them shit about my mental state, especially after the shit show that was lena trying to get us actual help. I still want to go to therapy and a psychiatrist, but I'm worried I'm just going to be abused verbally and emotionally more.

and right now, it's way less.

if they knew I considered myself trans, or supported nonbinary people or just most of the different gender identities. they'd tell me I'm wrong and they would have seen it, or that nonbinary people are doing it for attention.

why the fuck would I do any of this shit for that? I want your unconditional love, and support for my struggles. not that fake bullshit!

I have problems and I just want to help them, and nothing I do is good enough. I'm this disappointment half the time.

there was this one time. (maybe more) when my little brother was having a meltdown, and screaming. my mother's blood was boiling honestly, and she was yelling at him to "SHUT UP" "STOP CRYING FOR FUCKS SAKE" and such. she threatened to pull over and leave him on the road, a common threat of her's. and when his screams and cries got louder, she pulled over into this parks parking. and told him either he was to "SHUT UP, OR GET OUT." he didn't and he got out of the car, or was taken. either way he was outside of the car, I was crying and telling my mother to "STOP" and let him back in, I was 7-8 when this happened. and he must have been 3-4, and my little brother was crying and crying. and my mother had enough of the insubordination, and started to drive away. I started screaming then to go back for my brother, *I'm not sure which one it was, but it was one of them. and she kept driving, and driving.

I think she circled the block twice before letting my brother back in, but that was traumatic.

this sorta thing was why when I had my first suidal thought it was to open the car door and fall out, because I couldn't TAKE the verbal abuse that happened in the car.

I had depression I think, I had depression for most of my childhood.

but now, I feel happier. not because of anything that's happened in the real life, but the comfort I got from here. the internet.

there's many many more times I could talk about but I'm tired, I'll tell you more later.

but she's not good, I don't know if she's ever realised. but I just cannot be mad.

from me

Pop

That sure was a long story, read it word by word, i definitely relate to the bad treatment and threats i also got from my own mother. Kind of glad you’re still here and had got better, i witnessed a kid being pulled outside the car and even punched.. not lovely.

Anyway, i care to listen in what you have to say next time, i consider myself a great listener if anyone needs to vent too and whatnot,, and come back next time bro.

- j

[rrelationshipadvice]

I've decided on leaving my partner for various reasons, a few being:

1) lack of showing interest in anything I like but pinging me & expecting me to pay attention to theirs. Literally watching me talk about things I like and proceeding to interrupt me/talk about something else while ignoring messages I sent hours earlier about something I like. zero engagement at all, no questions, no real encouragement past the same two compliments that have long since sounded completely hollow to me.

I understand that not everyone is expected to show the same enthusiasm for something that I do, but it feels like they dont care when I compare it against how I've encouraged other friends' projects/how I've listened to other friends talk about things they like & how other friends have encouraged & listened to me, especially when it comes to things they or I will never play or want to engage in as a media.

2) them holding onto very small conflicts we resolved months ago and casually mentioning how they still feel bad about it long after its solved which makes it difficult for me to bring up anything now

3) being financially irresponsible to the point that the one time I asked them for something- which was no more than $30 iirc- they didn't have the money for it. I had spent on them repeatedly in the past (they spent that money on gacha games because they didn't want to wait a few days longer to pull on something. It was time limited but not ending anytime soon, they very easily couldve waited, met their one obligation, and still been able to get the same shit out of that game. It did not go to something more important)

There's a bit more, but having sorted my thoughts and emotions, those are the big ones that came up in my mind again and again

If I were someone else these conflicts might be able to be solved, but I avoided bringing these up which is, of course, on me. Unfortunately my emotional state/opinion regarding them is now past the point of no return because every word they say irritates me and its been like this for a while. So that'll just have to be a lesson for future me to remember.

The really important part that I'm asking for advice on is how to go about it. It's a tricky situation since we're both borderline (just to clear up any confusion before it starts, im not the person who also had bpd that came through here earlier), and our primary communication is through discord since its a long distance relationship and they've been through a lot this year already (they lost three other friends in the last few months. I am now understanding why.) Both telling them straight up and blocking them without a word have their own drawbacks right now, being:

- The first friend to leave this year told my partner why & left and proceeded to get harassed on every platform alongside their friends & loved ones because my partner would not fucking stop trying to contact them. There were four people (all friends) including me telling my partner that this was not acceptable behavior and to stop but they were adamant on doing so and refused to listen to anyone. Afaik they were close to this person before they left so theres a good chance I could receive the same treatment too.

I probably shouldve taken this behavior as my sign to gtfo back then honestly, because I've been on the other end of shit like that before and it left me fucked up for a very long time. Something to add to my notes as a future 100% no questions asked dealbreaker i guess. I know its difficult with bpd considering I also have it, but the one thing I could never bear to do to someone no matter how much I hate them in the moment is evade blocks multiple times on multiple platforms trying to get them to talk to me.

I don't want my friends to have to deal with this (I havent actually told any of them that I'm planning/having thoughts of breaking up with my partner. I dont know how to go about that conversation either.) and I know that my partner knows at least two of their users and unfortunately discord has made it incredibly easy to find people through just usernames.

I've considered warning the ones im worried about getting targeted ahead of time so they can configure their settings/block my partner to avoid having to deal with any of it further down the line, but I dont know if my partner knows of their social medias too or would go so far as to make a tumblr just to harass them.

- That said, I know that ghosting/blocking without a word could go equally as badly- the most recent friend to leave did that but I don't have details on what occurred after because I was not mentally well enough to help at the time and dealing with my own unrelated breakdown. I'm probably wrong, but it makes this option seem much more appealing. I'll probably warn my friends and give them the user to block ahead of time either way, honestly.

They've said before that if someone leaves them (platonically or romantically) they want a reason but having seen what happened when the first person gave them one and left I'm not sure any reason or conversation that doesnt end with "ill give you another chance"/"ill stay" would be good enough for them. I honestly dont trust them not to try picking apart any reasons I give them rather than just accepting it

I just don't know where to go from here, any guidance at all would be much appreciated!!!

.

[godstrain]

♤ Has your muse developed to be different from their canon selves through roleplay?

✘ Any unpopular opinions about your muse?

munday meme

as mentioned in my other reply, yeah of course he has! i also don't think i've ever been "canon" in my life on any blog ever. you've been following me since my fate fandom days, i still remember the "isn't it messed up a goblet is a tiny cup instead of a baby goblin" "you worry me sometimes, shinji" meme u made for me... and thus you know my long track record of looking at canon and grabbing a blowtorch.

wesker's characterization in canon is ... well, campy (endearing, terrifying, sometimes cringe) hes my pathetic meow meow and his RE1 dialogue lives rent free in my head STOP DONT OPEN THAT DOOR! ... chris??? stop it!!!! unforgettable horrible campy dialogue is what makes RE iconic, and wesker has been a staple of the franchise and we all know it. but he also went from a guy dual wielding jobs to the calculating mastermind to unhinged social darwinism and it felt sorta sloppy in the end, how capcom handled his final arc?

so i made it better lmao. because that's what i specialize in. i've learned to hone my craft and humble brag, i'm pretty good at what i do- and what i do is expand on characters by delving into possibilities in psychology, because also that's my JOB irl (psych nursing, maybe i should go into research). wesker's behavior, from a clinical standpoint, is fascinating to write out- his untreated mania and psychosis, the delusions of granduer, and the inevitable crash from the manic state? still line up with a great deal of what capcom gives.

it could be that deep, is what i'm saying, and even if it isn't, i'm making it that deep

idk uhhh is it unpopular to say that wesker's rather inexperienced in relationships? i know there are plenty of arguments for wesker being the suave "can get anyone in bed just by looking at them" sort of guy, but in my heart i know he's rather terrified of intimacy ... no doubt i'm sure he catches on very quick and would be able to blow any partner's mind, but! it just doesn't feel like his priority?

also i think that there isn't enough exploration done into who wesker could've been if umbrella hadn't like uhhhh legitimately groomed him??? as he is, he's awful. a garbage fire of a person. but i'd like to think that he may not have been the worst if he had just been able to grow up in a not fucked up environment, y'know?

also is it just me or does anyone else think about how things like. subliminal messages ... maybe even weird ass shit like improper use of treatments like ketamine therapy ... were involved on top of ... everything else that happened to the wesker children to make them believe that rhetoric... like did wesker never think "oh huh this was sorta fucked up wasn't it" when he was exposed to people (eg. members of S.T.A.R.S.) who didn't have like fucked up upbringings???? people in the army who were just like. decent people??? there's gotta be something even deeper that made it harder for him to escape that shit? i think about this a lot.

[pb-dot]

Peebs vs. Mental Health

For a series of unfortunate reasons, my primary source of mental health treatment this spring and summer has been my GP, and her help has largely been limited to renewing my medical leave document for social services because that's the extent of her formal expertise on the topic. To her credit, she does keep trying to give me advice. The problem is that the advice is... I'm not going to say bad because I think that's an unfair assessment, but I will say it is limited in scope and usefulness from a strict mental health perspective, frustrating perhaps also.

She has, like most other people I've talked with on the topic, suggested the ol' standby of sunlight and mild physical activity. It doesn't exactly hurt I will admit, but it would also be incorrect to say it has helped much. She is also very enthused about me losing weight and getting a job as sources for feeling better about myself. I have my issues with both of these, but I will concede the method she has championed for weight loss has been working like Gangbusters, although it has taken my fondness for cooking away for the time being. As for the job thing? Well, it's hardly her fault that getting a job in this goddamn city is like pulling teeth but it would be nice if she took it into consideration.

Now, my main beef with this doctor as a mental health resource is that she does seem to not understand that when I seem almost not depressed for the 15-ish minutes I see her every month, that is me suppressing my shit. This is something I do a lot, and I'm super open about it because it has complicated the process of getting help from a number of sources. It's actually incredibly frustrating to me how easy it is for me to pretend I'm not depressed when dealing with anyone who isn't my dearest and most trusted of friends, even when I know the person I am talking to needs to understand that I am not well.

This all came to a head when I mentioned that I'm going to be evaluated for other problems that could complicate my depression treatment this month. My doctor then took it upon herself to tell me that I didn't seem depressed to her, which I am going to do her the service of assuming was inelegantly worded on her end or that she has a slightly overstated impression of how impaired a depression person will be, and not that she actually disagrees with the laundry list of therapists and psychiatrists and depression inventory tests I've taken in the time since I started looking for help with this corrosive thought-smog that I have dealt with for large parts of my life. The question isn't if I'm depressed, but rather what else I have in addition to depression.

This all ties into a frustration I've felt for a while with a lot of mental health help I've received through the years. I feel like I'm being pigeonholed into what I like to call "disappointing young man syndrome," where my mental health problems are more or less treated as a consequence of the absence of a "successful" life. Yeah, I'm single. Employment has been a challenge. Yes, I struggle with loneliness and feel disenchanted with society.

All of these are true, but they aren't the source of my depression. They're symptoms. I isolate myself and struggle with dating because I don't feel good enough for my friends or dates, I struggle to stay more than two or so years in a job because by that point I'm burned out, and I'm not doing so hot on society these days because society fucking stinks at accommodating people with mental health problems.

Of course, a lot of medicine is treating the symptoms and betting that the process doesn't cause any lasting damage before the root problem is dealt with. That said, it feels like it is perhaps a bit misguided to zero in on the symptoms in this particular way. Why? Well simply because a lot of these things are problems that exist in part outside of me. It doesn't actually matter one bit what attitude I take into applying for jobs, for example, if most, if not all the jobs I can find to apply to have 200+ applicants, so focusing on this to the exclusion of trying to help me handle the fact that the ol' job hunt isn't going so well seems like a damn stupid idea to me.

To add to my frustration, my doctor also told me I needed to feel a little better about myself. I have known this to be true since junior high, and I have been trying pretty much ever since so thanks for the insight, doc. On a purely rational level, I know it to be true that I'm not as hopeless as my brain tells me that I am, but it is difficult to get it to stick in the emotional sense. This is the kind of shit I could stand to get some help on, but so far I haven't really gotten any.

It's just so disheartening to go through this process every time I reach another therapist or other person who's supposed to help me. I'm not asking for my life to be sunshine and roses, I'm not asking to live my life swimming in a sea of chemical bliss or even ataraxia, here. I'm asking, no, begging for some help to manage this shit, and the best anyone can tell me is that I'd probably feel better if I had a job, or any of the other little things I now hope happens to me just so the point that I've been depressed+whatever else through employment and unemployment alike might finally fucking stick.

It's not all a lost cause mind. Per my earlier post on the topic, I am going to see some specialists later in August. I sincerely hope, but don't know if I can believe that this'll be the one to crack the case, or even put the first hairline fracture in the wall. I will however admit that I am worried. If I am left after the appointments with another result that adds up to "Brain strong like bull, multiple symptoms of [DISEASE] but not enough for a diagnosis" I am going to eat the upholstery of the place, and that'll doubtless be an unpleasant experience for all involved parties.

[firelxdykatara]

Let me start by saying I've never watched Legend of Korra. like, the most I've watched was any bending scenes/fights and all the Zuko and Toph clips (admittedly, I didn't watch any of the Katara clips because..well..honestly I didn't want to see her be so meek). But I've always felt kinda...bad for liking Mako since the few posts I did read made it seem like both Korra and Asami were better off without him and I didn't want to accidentally fall into the category of sympathising with a man who didn't treat women right. Even when I watched what few clips he was in -Mako seemed a little serious but not anything bad- I thought it was just because I didn't see enough of him to see why he was so bad for Korra and Asami.

And then I read your post on Mako and how he had to do anything and everything to take care of Bolin and my heart kinda broke. I don't know if this is right, but it kinda feels like Mako is being treated a bit like Katara's being treated. Like, they both fit the sibling-turned-parental-figure roles and some of the fandom seems like they can't accept that both are still teenagers who...well, still act like teenagers. seriously, I'm gonna be mad if I ever see another 'take' about how Katara is bad for acting more teenager than mother 😤. And the parallels between the non-con kisses that their respective Avatars gave them, with both Mako and Katara shouldering the blame (though in Katara's case it's more of a "she's supposed to like it! She's the Avatar's girl uwu") . It just rubs me the wrong way how neither of them get any slack for acting less than amazing when they both spent years carrying their trauma and shielding their siblings from that same hurt.

Sorry if this is bothering you or if it doesn't make sense; I'm just kinda fed up of seeing people side with the Avatar no matter what the situation was, especially when Korra and Aang were actually in the wrong *coughnon-conkisscough*

You're not bothering me at all, don't worry!

Honestly all of this makes a ton of sense, someone who's never seen the show and only has fandom's word to go on could be excused for thinking Mako's a fuckboy who was intentionally leading the girls on rather than a kid who'd been raising his baby brother alone on the streets since he was eight years old and maybe not the best at navigating personal relationships and didn't know how to deal with the fact that he had feelings for two incredible girls at the same time. That shit's hard to deal with even when you have parents and had a happy and comfortable life and are just in high school trying to get through the day, but you throw that in the mix with 'became a parent at eight years old' and 'struggled to get enough to feed his brother, nevermind himself, while they lived on the streets' and then everything that happened during the series, and it's like, cut this kid some slack maybe????

Also the comparisons with the way the fandom treats Katara are also spot on. Obviously in Katara's case there's also an added element of racialized misogyny, because she's a dark-skinned girl and the only dark-skinned girl in the main cast, so that gets added to the fact that she was also the gaang's 'mom friend' and you get fans unironically calling her a 'bitch' for -checks notes- getting reasonably upset after being pushed to her limit and losing her cool--but in Mako's case, he actually fills the same niche in the krew that Katara did in the gaang, and he gets a lot of the same treatment, which I think winds up coming at him from the opposite side of the fence so to speak. Because he's a boy, he automatically gets the blame for anything that goes wrong with the love triangle--up to and including the avatar violating his boundaries and kissing him without his consent--because Korra and especially Asami are precious girls and could do no wrong.

And the thing is that it gets kinda complicated because Korra did also get a lot of racialized misogyny flung at her by the racist&misogynistic dudebros of the fanbase who hated that a brown girl was now the avatar, but that wound up overshadowing the very real and reasonable criticisms that can be made of her character and her behavior. Especially in Book 2, where she gets angry enough at Mako for -checks notes- doing his job and not wanting to jump to conclusions that she TRASHES HIS OFFICE!!!!! IN A FIT OF RAGE!!!!!! (which of course Mako gets blamed for and a lot of fans will frame that as Korra getting 'reasonably upset' which lol no)--and the fact that this occurs in the same season as Bolin getting trapped in an explicitly toxic and abusive relationship with a Water Tribe girl (who happens to be Korra's cousin) that is played for laughs the entire fucking time makes me think that Bryke just have very troubling ideas about how it's ok for women to treat their significant others, particularly if they happen to be men.

(Although let it not be said that they didn't write toxic relationships from the other side, Varrick spends the entire series mistreating Zhu Li and then at the end he decides he's in love with her and they get married [in a very Western ceremony, incidentally], and nothing is ever mentioned of the awful way he treated her for the entire show.)

So yeah like, it really, really bothers me that Katara and Mako share similar niches in their respective teams and both of them get a whole lot of untoward hatred for -checks notes- being teenagers and having feelings and sometimes expressing them. They both deserve so much better from their respective fanbases, and I think the biggest reason Katara has a bigger and more devoted defense squad is because atla is still pretty widely regarded as the best installment of the franchise and a lot of people just don't care to even watch lok. The bulk of the lok fanbase is anti Mako and it's hard to maintain any resilience as a fandom in the face of that lmao.

But I'm always happy to talk about how much I love him and if I can only turn the tide one anon at a time then that's ok.

[meetmeatthecoda]

Since the other anon brought Luther Braxton: Conclusion up, I've decided to throw my two cents of bitter rant in:

First of all, I'd like to say that I genuinely love Liz, most part of the time. I think that she always has had great potential to be a very interesting, versatile, many-sided character. But the inconsistency of writing honestly ruins her and I will never not be bitter about it. Not to mention the fact that the way writers force her to think and behave sometimes makes me go 😳🤢🤬😤

Just like in Luther Braxton: Conclusion. Truth to be told, I think that's the first episode that made me very angry (to put it mildly) with Liz because of how she lashed out at Red – mind you, for literally no reason over than her own nonsensical conclusions I have no idea how she's managed to draw from the information she was given – instead of... I don't know... thanking him for finding her and saving her life (because we all understand that if Red didn't find her, Braxton would kill her once he got the information out of her) for the umpteenth time? or – I know that was too much to hope for from how the writers had been behaving before that episode but still – showing just a little bit of concern and asking him about how he was feeling because between being captured and flown over to the Factory, being half-blown in the boilers explosion, being the object of Liz's attempts at first aid (which were... not good, despite her undeniably good intentions), being in the epicenter of the missile strike and then, not allowing himself to rest, running around the whole DC area, desperate to find her before it's too late, Red had been through a lot in those 24 hours... but apparently I, a viewer, was more concerned about his well-being than Liz was (and that's after the CPR scene, where she was obviously concerned, to put it mildly, and the memories about him saving her from that fire, because that's one of the only ways those memories could be interpreted and certainly the most logical and consistent way at that).

Because instead of going with either (or both, which would be especially nice) of the most logical and human options mentioned above, Liz chose to hurt Red, which in turn hurt me (and, I believe, many of the fans), because he certainly does not deserve such treatment... especially, from Liz.

Because as bad as Red might be and as many things as he can be blamed for, one thing has always and will always be true: he cares for Liz, and cares deeply (too deeply for his own good, if you ask me), and while he does withholds certain things from her and his attempts to protect her may be misguided sometimes, he wants only what’s the best for her, he tries to make sure she gets all the best things in the world and Liz has no right to be so salty and bitchy with him.

Sorry for the rant... But I've just got a lot of feels. Also, I have been hurting for Red since, approximately, 2014, and this feeling, after dulling a bit in the past few years because I sort of fallen out of watching the show with quite such obsession I have been watching earlier seasons, intensified greatly during the last season and especially after that absolute disaster of the finale (I never thought I'd have to see two of my favorite characters, who are one of my OTPs for life, die, and so painfully and tragically at that... because we all know that Liz's death crushed Red – canonical Red, at least – and there is no chance that he'll ever recover from i because Lizzy is his heart and life, the ray of light in the dark cave of his life, his Polaris that guides him home – that is his home – the source of his power, his everything, and without her he simply cannot exist and function – that much was made painfully clear in Cape May... Sorry once again, but I'm just... 😭😭😭😭😭😭😡😡😡😡😡😡😭😭😭😭😭😭😤😤😤😤😤😤😭😭😭😭😭😭)

Yesssss, anon, bitter ranting about TBL, my favorite!! *burning-elmo.gif* 😎😎😎 Firstly, I totally agree about loving Liz as she should have been & the wasted potential will never not make me sad 😭😭 Secondly, I so agree about the Luther Braxton eps... the fact that Liz never actually thanked Red for legit burning the world down to get to her not to mention punching the ever-living shit out of that one scumbag, let alone - you're so right - um, asking how he was doing?!?! After he literally was blown up twice in the span of like an hour, guided her through her traumatic, unlocked, level 10 backstory, AND pretty obviously saved her fucking life as a child??? .....Unrealistic, I guess 😒 Thirdly, I so agree that Red has never deserved such awful treatment & betrayal from Liz when he has only ever had the best intentions of protecting & loving her... That's one of the many, many tragedies of TBL 🥲 Anyway, no worries, anon, my inbox is 1000% a safe place to rant & hurt for Red... bc you're absolutely right: there's no canon way Red can come back from the horrible, nonsensical choice they made in killing off Liz, it's a true shame that things ended that way, & I - for one - have no interest in watching a season of Cape May with no light at the end of the tunnel 😓 If it's any consolation, anon, I feel you completely on all of this, thank you for sending this ask, & much love to you!! ❤️

[b-rainlet]

Just want to say I love your blog. Your TUA content is lovely and I can't say what a breath of fresh air it is to find another Luther champion. The fandoms treatment of him, istg, some of the most ludacris nonsense I've ever had to read. Especially love how you point out he's ALWAYS been so sweet and selfless when it comes to Allison and her personal happiness. Anyway I saw you say you seem confident alluther will actually happen. I sure hope so, but why do you figure? The antis are so loud.

Awwwww, thank you anon, you’re so sweet! Yeah, this blog is on 24/7 loving Luther lockdown! I feel like the antis are easing up a little bit after S2 aired because most of Luther’s scenes were used as comedic relief and the faves he was clashing with (Diego and Vanya) seem to have a better relationship with him now, so it’s not as bad anymore, but I have to admit I never ever go into the main tag so I can’t be 100% sure. 

Maybe you should try looking through the ‘Luther Protection Squad’ tag to find some more like-minded people? I swear there are more of us out there!

But to come to the Alluther question: 

I know that the antis are loud and I’ve noticed that most of them have counted S2 as a win for them, talking about how Allison ‘moved on’ and how Alluther won’t happen but I disagree (and I will now launch into a rambly post about why lmao).

WARNING: CONTAINS S2 SALT. PROCEED WITH CAUTION

All of this is based on the assumption though that they will be somewhat consistent in their writing regarding Alluther and S2 taught me that that isn’t very likely, so maybe I’m completely wrong and Alluther will never ever be mentioned in S3, but based on what happened so far, I could see them as an endgame couple. 

I mean in S1 they were a pretty big plot point so I don’t think I have to say anything about that but even though the Alluther scenes have been toned down in S2 they were there. 

Let’s see what antis would say about why Alluther won’t happen: 

Allison is married

And? Allison has been married before and still mentioned comparing every man she ever loved/dated to Luther. Allison has been married and she has had a kid with another guy and still Alluther was going strong. 

Not to mention that the end of this season has made it very clear we won’t see Raymond again.

Raymond (and Sissy) are temporary love interests for this particular season and both of them cannot leave their timeline without majorly fucking things up - at least according to Five, but the whole timetravel rules can change at the drop of a hat - but more importantly, both of them had a talk with their respective lovers about wanting to stay in their timeline. 

So unless Allison will return to the 60s (which doesn’t seem likely tbh), Raymond is gone for good. 

 Raymond was her true love tho! Like Klave!

I don’t think antis actually word it like this but I’ve noticed how all of them hopped onto the Almond train immediately and keep gushing about how good and cute they are and that’s great! You can ship what you wanna ship! But I think a lot of the love for this ship has to do with how it prevents Alluther from happening. If Allison is deeply in love with this wholesome man, she can’t ever like her brother. 

But tbh….I didn’t buy Almond. For two people who are happily married they crumble and burn awfully fast. 

And tbh, I was thinking about making a post about this so I’m gonna add this rant here but I just wanna preface this with the fact that I don’t hate them and I don’t hate people who ship them, I’m just….using this opportunity to poke some hole into their relationship. 

I think it would’ve been more believable if Raymond and Allison would be in the early stages of dating while all of S2 goes down. Think about it.

They are married? After one year? I mean, as far as I know, Allison has been in the 60s for about two years - since Luther was the first one who arrived and he spent 3 years there??? But I am not fact-checking this, so correct me if I’m wrong - so she had time to get used to being there, adjust to having no voice, meet Raymond, fall in love with him and get married to him. 

And considering she could already talk again it must’ve have been a while before she started talking to/dating Raymond? I don’t think a wound like that wouldn’t take a while to heal but with this show’s consistency, maybe it did. 

I was actually hoping Allison would stay mute for a while longer but alas

So, they got married pretty fast imo, and you could argue that it’s the 60s but 

Allison isn’t from the 60s

Allison just got out of a bad marriage. There’s like, a year?? maybe?? between her first marriage and her second one and tbh, I don’t think Allison would get married again so fast, tying herself to someone again almost immediately, especially if you consider what getting married in the 60s means for a woman and her personal freedom (it’s hinted at with Sissy but not with Allison and even though Raymond was probably a good husband who let her have her freedom and her say in things - as we can see with their movement - it’s still the 60s. Women couldn’t earn their own money. They couldn’t even spend any money without having to ask their husband. They were basically property of their husband and I can’t believe Allison would immediately jump back into being married, no matter how nice and good the guy is). 

“That just means it’s true love! That’s why their marriage may seem rushed!”

Yeah true love. I also keep secrets from my true love.

I mean, I understand that Allison couldn’t start talking about time travel or Raymond would’ve started thinking she’s crazy or something - and maybe would’ve sent her to a mental institution as is his right as a husband, so good idea getting married! - but she didn’t mention stuff like “I had a child.” or “I lost my family.” either and those are vague enough to not raise questions.

I mean, she could’ve lied! She could’ve said Claire is dead, which considering the apocalypse was what they were escaping is true!

She could’ve talked about how she had a family, but they kinda lost each other - maybe talking about how they all moved away and she doesn’t know where they are now, even though she misses them terribly. 

I mean, I simply can’t believe that she had to grief for her own child all on her own and she didn’t even tell her husband (and she couldn’t even properly be sad about it since Raymond and her lived together, so she probably didn’t have many moments where she could think about the future and the things she lost without the possibility of being walked in on). 

And how much it would’ve meant if there would’ve been a scene of her crying over Claire when she thinks she’s alone, but alas.

Then there’s also the whole added drama to their relationship. Which was btw, so unnecessary.

@showwriters: Why do you establish a relationship you obviously want to be viewed as full of love and instead of letting it be the steady rock the character can lean on during all the already ongoing chaos, you add drama to it and let it fall apart as a side plot which immensely suffers from not being shown/explored enough. 

I mean, we already have relationship drama with Vanya/Sissy and that relationship feels more natural because their obstacles are outside forces and not...one of them distrusting the other. 

You know, I get why Raymond is suspicious, I totally do! I just don’t think it makes the relationship believable. 

Once again, if they would’ve been in the early stages of dating and suddenly Allison’s weird brothers appear and she seems to be in cahoots with the cops, I would also think ‘???’ and it would’ve made perfect sense for Raymond to be confused and distrustful and not want to talk to Allison. 

But they’re married. They’re married and they vowed to love each other in sickness and in health and yet Raymond immediately jumps to ‘Allison is a spy’.

The woman you love enough to marry. That’s your first thought. Okay. 

(And if you wanna compare that to Vissy...Vanya suddenly drives off in the night to meet her family and disappears for a while and she apparently did something to Harlan and now he’s behaving weirdly and has powers….and she’s talking about taking Sissy and him to the future…..and yet….Sissy trusted Vanya). 

And tbh, I was done with their whole relationship the moment Allison spent the whole night calling every single hospital, trying to find out whether her husband was in one of them - was even alive - in tears and close to breaking down because the last time she saw him they were both involved in a riot and the possibility of him being in jail or hurt is very high only to find out…..

…..he had a meeting with their group without telling her because he doesn’t trust her. 

And what? He couldn’t have called her to at least tell her he’s okay and he’s gonna stay somewhere else overnight because shady shit did just go down that they need to discuss but he wants to be alone for now? That’s the bare minimum and yet he doesn’t do that. He doesn’t even call to make sure she is okay since running away doesn’t mean she couldn’t have accidentally been dragged into a brawl and hurt. 

Once again: They are married. 

So tbh, all I got from this relationship is the feeling that Allison simply didn’t wanna be alone in this new timeline and that isn’t an explicit point against Alluther. 

Okay, but….Allison moved on! So she still won’t get with Luther!

Did she? Did she really? I don’t think so. I mean, one of the first things we get from Allison aside from ‘She’s married’ is ‘She looks at the moon so often, her husband notices and gets her a book related to that’. 

That’s one of the most blatant ways they could’ve said: ‘She misses Luther.’

And Luther only. Not the whole family, Luther. If they wanted to somehow make this platonic or familial, they wouldn’t have taken the character she is canonly interested in romantically (which she is and has been since S1, no matter what antis say). 

I mean, if they only wanted to show ‘She misses her family’ they could’ve added a scene where she listens to the kid next door playing the violin or sees a boy in schoolboy shorts or maybe mistakes someone for Diego or whatever, endless possibilities. But they didn’t. 

They made it very clear she misses Luther and I don’t think she had a scene that shows her missing any of her other siblings in such a way (which is btw paralleled by the scene where Luther mistakes someone for Allison, which is also the only scene where he’s shown thinking about one of his siblings to the point he thinks he sees them - as far as I remember). 

But that’s probably only a coincidence, right?

Then there’s them meeting for the first time. I mean, they hug and the rest of the world disappears.

They took the time to shoot/cut this scene in a way that, when Allison and Luther hug after years of not seeing each other, everyone else isn’t in the shot anymore and it’s just them. Because they tried to make this as platonic as possible. 

(In comparison, Allison and Diego don’t even hug. And Klaus and Allison do hug and it’s a happy moment but there is no romantic music and it’s more focused on them being happy to see each other and not framed as a romantic scene. I mean, I have no clue regarding things like ‘motifs’ and ‘scenery’ but just watch those two hug scenes back to back and you know what I mean). 

Then the scene proceeds and they talk and sit down and Luther mentions her marriage and Allison tries to apologize. 

Just think about that. She doesn’t outright apologize but she does try to explain why she got married by saying how hard it was and is only stopped by Luther telling her he’s glad she wasn’t alone. 

How….how can you read that as a platonic convo between brother and sister? Just replace Luther with Klaus. Why would she feel the need to explain herself and seems guilty about being married? Is it because it implies she gave up on finding her family? If so, that would be her reaction with every sibling but she is explicitly like this with Luther. She tells Klaus she’s married too, and in that scene it’s definitely a ‘siblings catching up’ moment and it’s a happy moment and she doesn’t seem apologetic about being married. 

She is with Luther. 

Because they both know that there’s something between them and has been for a long time, to the point that Allison is visibly jealous when Luther has other relationships (his one-night-stand in S1) and this is the second time Allison has turned towards another man instead of waiting for Luther. And that’s why she tries to apologize. That’s why she tries to explain that she couldn’t know whether they - whether Luther - would ever show up, so she tried her best to move on - but she didn’t really, hence the moon scene. 

(This is also the scene where Luther could’ve been angry with her - and she probably would’ve thought he’s in the right - since during the days leading up to the apocalypse it seemed like they were slowly working towards being together - even if the kiss never happened, there’s still the phone booth scene which is basically Luther confessing his feelings - and now she once again leaves him standing alone, waiting for her to possibly return to him. 

But he isn’t, he just tells her he’s glad that she wasn’t alone. Because he is the actual embodiment of a gentleman and this world doesn’t deserve him). 

And this is just what I remember from watching the season once and then not really engaging with it, I can’t understand how antis can see those scenes and come to entirely different conclusions. But I guess, you really only see what you wanna see, huh?

But, but…...Incest is disguting! Even their siblings think so!

They don’t. They really don’t. There’s a gifset on tumblr somewhere compiling the scenes in S1 that show how chill the sibs are with Alluther, but let’s disregard those and just focus on S2 since they changed up a lot from the prior season and antis seem to think S2 was them finally saying ‘No Alluther’. 

I guess there’s the hair salon scene where Vanya, Klaus and Allison talk about relationships and Klaus lightly teases Allison for liking Luther. 

Now, he mentions Allison crushing on their brother in the same sentence where he talks about Vanya and her ‘Farmfrau’ and unless I missed it, he doesn’t change his voice. He doesn’t suddenly sound completely disgusted, or like he wants to vomit or whatever people think, so either, he thinks Vissy is as ‘disgusting’ as Alluther, or, he thinks both are simply relationships his sibs are interested in pursuing and he teases them about them like a sibling may do. 

And then you have Allison’s reaction. 

She doesn’t go: ‘Oh yeah, that was gross, what was I thinking’, she doesn’t make a face or disgusted noises or what, no, she tries to defend herself and her feelings. 

Which tells us: 

Despite popular belief to disregard Allison’s say in the Alluther relationship, she wants the relationship and she is obvious enough about it their siblings know (and Klaus makes it a point to say ‘Allison is into Luther’ and not ‘Luther likes Allison and Allison tolerates it). 

Alluther is brought up while they talk about current relationships, implying Allison still feels this way (especially because the way she reacts doesn’t make it seem like it’s a long over relationship with no longer relevant feelings. But again, I watched the season once and I don’t remember everything that was said. I think this is telling enough though). 

So..tell me again how everyone thinks Alluther is disgusting?

By now anon is thinking: ‘What is the point of all this rambling?’ 

And yeah, I am sorry for going way too into detail but I just wanted to make it clear that if the writers were intend on killing Alluther off in S2 - like antis believe - then everything I just mentioned wouldn’t have happened.

(And that’s without even mentioning the cpr scene). 

Alluther did get reduced but it didn’t vanish even though they decided to completely erase other things (like Claire and Eudora who are barely or not at all mentioned or things like Kliego being very close). 

This would’ve been the best opportunity! They re-meet in the 60s and Allison is happily married and takes the time to tell Luther he should move on. Or both are single and Luther tries to ask where they’re standing and whether she would like to try with him and she goes ‘This would be a mistake’ and that’s it.

(I am making Allison the one who ends things because it would be ooc for Luther to just end the possible relationship after waiting for Allison for years and there needs to be some consistency even in the mess that was S2). 

But! This didn’t happen!

Alluther is more or less back where it was in S1. Allison isn’t in a relationship anymore and won’t get back with the guy and Luther loves her no matter what. And the cheek kiss seems to leave them both on a hopeful note of finally getting together. 

So unless they use S3 to once again redo the show, it feels like Alluther is set up to be endgame. Like, I am getting ‘star-crossed lovers’ vibes where you’re just waiting for them to finally get together - because they just belong - but things keep getting in the way.  

You could compare it Diego/Lila in that regard, I think it’s pretty obvious those two are gonna end up together too. 

I have another ask about how they could get together, where I will definitely ramble more, but this shall be it for now. I hope it was halfway consistent. (And doesn’t have too many typos, I’m too lazy to check).

Also the formatting is shit but idc, I spent like two hours on this

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 7/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Sorry in advance, but this chapter is kinda short. But we do get more conflict, more drama. 3 more chapters! Who's pumped? No one.

TW FOR THIS CHAPTER: Brief blood mentions.

2020

Remember how I said I was on a journey towards happiness? In the beautiful world of Brianna Caldwell, life said, "Nah."

The next day, it was apparent that things were only getting worse.

"Ed Sheeran is still on board," Joey stated matter-of-factly. He crossed his arms, the safety visor making a rustling sound as he did so.

He was joined by Nina, Alex, and Michael. A few of the lab team were at their desks, trying to ignore the current confrontation, including Jujubee.

She looked as if she wasn't paying attention to the ordeal, but I knew Jujubee like the back of my hand, and she was listening. I couldn't help but want her to speak up and help me out here. But she hadn't spoken to me since the day before.

"Yeah, he is." I put my hands on my hips, standing at the front of the lab, while Joey and his friends sat there and looked up at me.

"Why, though?" Joey continued to question.

"God, we already had this discussion," I spoke quietly, looking to the side for some sort of distraction.

"Yeah, but you said you'd figure something out." Nina input.

"Yeah, you did." Alex joined in. I glanced at Jujubee in the hopes she'd join the conversation. Her eyes remained on the chemical she was working with.

"Why did you choose him in the first place? Why not…" Michael paused, deciding to join the argument, "Bill Nye...or someone who actually has an interest in Space and Science."

"Yeah, for real. Like, you do realise that in years to come, when kids read about 'Neil Armstrong - the first man on the moon, they're gonna flip the page and see 'Ed Sheeran, confirmed the first man to enter another dimension.'" Alex added.

"Like, how do you even explain Ed Sheeran as a choice?" Nina held a hand out in questioning.

I finally found a crack and slipped back into the conversation, "Because your project manager is a disaster when she's drunk and makes stupid choices without even thinking."

"We know, Brie. You were drunk." Joey rolled his eyes like he was tired of hearing the same story.

"Maybe you should stop drinking." Alex squinted his eyes.

"Yeah, we don't wanna go there, but maybe this is a problem," Michael added to the point.

My eyes were becoming wider with every word they were saying. This was absolutely ridiculous. Again, I was hoping Jujubee would argue back, but she remained silent.

Nina, however, was the one to interject, "Jesus, guys. You're taking it a bit too far." She stood up and gathered her lab coat, "Look, we all do dumb shit when we're drunk. She's not a mess, OK?"

Joey laughed. I held back from calling him out for the time that I caught him hiding in the closet playing Candy Crush for an hour.

"Well, even so, she should take this into consideration," Alex suggested.

"And do what?" I unfolded my arms and held them out by my side, "call him and say 'JK, Ed. It was just a joke, Ed.'"

"Girl, you're the one who got us into this mess. You figure it out." Alex raised his voice. How very fair of him. I was the one who had to deal with this problem, yet they were the only ones who seemed to care.

"Mess is a bit of a harsh term." Nina pointed out.

"Exactly, there is no mess here. Juju and I have already figured this out," my gaze shifted towards her again, hoping the mention of her name would cause a reaction. Nothing, "So I'd appreciate it if I could stop getting all this flack. I don't need flack from you," I pointed at Joey, "I don't need flack from you," next, at Alex, "or you," then Michael, and I moved my finger in Nina's direction, "or...Jesus Christ, you're having a nose bleed."

Nina's hand flew straight up to her nose, pulling away and examining the red liquid. "Oh, my Lord!"

She tried wiping it. But more blood poured out like a faucet that had been slowly turned on.

"Can you just...get out of here and get that cleaned up?" It sounded bitchy. But I was panicking. I never did well with blood. Therefore I looked away and hid my face.

"Thanks for helping, boss." Joey practically snarled, handing Nina a bunch of tissues. Like hungry wolves following the scent of the blood, the 3 men followed her out of the room, Joey still scorning at me as he left.

It was just me and the other scientists left in the room.

I turned and moved to one of the counters, picking up screws and bolts as if I was actually interested in them. But I couldn't ignore the presence of my best friend.

Hearing shuffling, I turned. She was standing up and gathering her things.

"Juju." I approached her.

She only quickened the packing up process.

Reaching her bench, she was already turned in the direction of the door, "Juju, are you just gonna ignore me all day?"

Finally, she looked at me, adjusting her bag strap, "There's nothing to say."

"Oh really? Well, you can decide to drop me as a friend, but you're still working for me, so we need to communicate."

"OK," Jujubee shrugged, "Well, what do you need to discuss with me that's work-related?"

She got me there. Licking my lips, I breathed out with a quick sigh. "OK, look, last night, we didn't end on a good note. I'm not saying I was wrong, and neither were you. Can you just please set that aside and talk to me?"

She squinted her eyes. "So, I'm supposed to just let the problem keep building?"

"Juju!" I briefly raised my voice, a few of the other scientists glanced in our direction. Jujubee looked uneasy now. So I lowered my tone again. "OK. I'm just gonna say it. I fucked up. I fucking...wrote her a creepy message, and I don't know what to do, and I have no one to talk to about it."

She let out a sarcastic laugh, "You're still looking to use me as your therapist. You learned nothing from what I said, Brianna."

I was silent, incapable of speaking anything else.

She looked away to the ground, "This is taking up my lunchtime."

And with that, she moved to the door, the sound of her heels like a clock ticking down.

"Juju, what can I do?" I held my hands out by my sides. "How am I going to make you satisfied?"

With a hand opening the door, she was frozen for a moment. I thought she would have walked on and ignored me. But she looked over her shoulder and said, "When you realise she's not the one who cares about you."

She left the room, pulling the door closed. The noise caused me to flinch.

I turned around her words in my head.

Two of the scientists were whispering, one glancing at me. I felt my chest become tight. "Hey. This isn't a social gathering. Get back to work."

Despite their astonishment, they moved away from each other anyway.

I instantly felt like a bitch. Technically yeah, it was my job to keep everyone working. But I rarely raised my voice.

I left the room, seeking peace and quiet.

Sitting in my chair, I held my hands in my head, staring at the redwood desk. Moments like these should have felt like a luxury, just sitting there, relaxing. But my mind was racing with too many thoughts.

I had no idea what I could do to make amends with Jujubee. But I could try and sort this Ed Sheeran problem.

Loading up my emails, I opened the thread with Ed Sheeran (which was actually only 3 messages and most likely with his manager).

I hit reply and started typing.

'Listen, Ed. There's been an issue…'

No.

'Dear Mr Ed Sheeran, we regret to inform you…'

'Hello, Ed. It's Brianna from…'

'Ed, big fan of the work, but…'

I squeezed my eyes shut, already feeling exhausted, like each press of the backspace button represented a loss of a brain cell.

For all the achievements I had earned throughout the years, for all the accomplishments, why the fuck was this so damn hard?

The telephone rang, causing me to jolt. A sigh left my lips as I tried to breathe. Pressing the speaker, I said, "Jackie, what's up?"

Jackie, my receptionist, spoke, "Hey, honey. Your Mom's on line 2."

My hand clenched around my pen, already feeling that familiar sense of dread.

"OK, thank you," I spoke quieter.

I hesitated for a moment before finally clicking line 2.

"Hi, Mom," I uttered.

"Hi, baby." She said quietly. "How are you?"

"Fine." I lied. "Nothing really new here. How about you?"

"All good…" she sighed, then paused briefly, "Actually no. Things aren't good. I...lost my job. The usual, they found someone better. And I've been trying so hard to find a job."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, and on top of that," she sighs again, "Brie, honey, there is no easy way to say this; Piggie's sick."

My breath caught in my throat, but I tried to remain calm. "What's wrong with him?"

"They said it's Lyme disease, Brianna. I...I don't know what's going to happen." Her voice cracked.

"Look, don't worry. I'm gonna send you money right now. It should cover the bills. He'll be - -"

"No, I didn't call you to ask for money." She said quickly, "I was just wondering...I know you're busy and everything…"

Fuck. My eyes squeezed together, hand tightening around the phone.

"But...I would love to see you. It's been nearly a year now." Her tone softened.

And immediately, I wanted to say no. Considering the circumstances, a visit would fuck with my head. Seeing Piggie, my emotional support through teenagehood would crush me.

"You there, baby?" She asked.

"Yeah," I whispered.

"I just...I don't want to be alone. What if the medical treatment fails? I'm gonna have no one, Brianna. I don't want that." She pauses again, and my chest tightens, tears filling my eyes. "Brie, baby, please come."

I can hear the pain in her voice. But I can't help but feel that sense of fear, the anxiety.

"Don't leave me alone to deal with this, please. I'm at my lowest. And I don't know if I could do it all by - -"

I hit 'end call'.

I put the phone back and rested my head in my hands.

I knew this was my fault - our strained relationship. I could only see that now, how emotionally unstable I was. That sounds like a joke, right? I just didn't expect it to be this bad.

Nothing was getting better.

-_-_-_-_-_-

2004

I threw my bag in the back seat before climbing in the front. My hair was soaked from the rain. I literally just ran from the school to Mom's car, not even outside for that long, yet so much rain.

I said nothing, only rubbed my hands together to keep warm.

"So, the schools flooded?" Mom asked.

"Yeah."

"The whole school?" She looked past me and to the building, an eyebrow raised. "It doesn't look that bad."

"It's just the shop classes and cafeteria, to be honest." I put my hands between my thighs to make the warming up process happen quicker.

"That's a bit unnecessary to send you all home."

"Yeah, well, I'm not complaining."

Mom fired up the engine, and we were set for home. There was a moment of silence that fell among us. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But when she turned the radio down, I knew we were in for a discussion.

"That's not the only thing the school called me about today." She started.

"Oh?" I looked out the window. I don't know why but I assumed they had finally exposed me for smoking around the back of the building. But it was doubtful as I had stopped during the Summer.

"They're concerned about you, Brie." And so was she, now that I could hear it in her tone. "Your grades have only gotten better the slightest amount."

"Well, I can't just go from a C to an A in a matter of days." I still looked out the window. "And besides, I'm staying behind every other day for extra studying."

"Are you sure you're not just flaking and hanging out with Jujubee instead?" There it was, the accusatory tone.

I looked at her now. "No? And if it makes you feel better, you can call her Mom and ask. How's that sound?" I scoffed, "God, I don't need this. Not like I'm dealing with enough at school anyway."

"Well," she was silent for a moment as if daring herself to speak again, "Not that I'd know, I mean, you don't really open up to me about school."

"Yeah, because there's nothing you can do about it." Was I wrong? What could she do? Barge into the school with a gramophone and yell, 'Stop picking on my daughter!'

"About what?"

I rolled my eyes, "Doesn't matter. I don't wanna talk about it."

I could practically feel the way she held back from rolling her eyes.

"Well, the only other thing I can think of is that you're too focused on all this space stuff." She sounded more irked now. "You need to focus on your future, not all this make-believe crazy conspiracy theory shit."

"Oh, that crazy conspiracy theory shit that my Grandpa enjoyed?" My tone was slowly raising.

"I didn't mean it like that. I'm saying your Grandpa didn't make a living sitting around and fantasising about all of this stuff. He knew the difference between having a career and having a dream."

"Well, God, not like my interest hasn't got a thing to do with my future prospects, Mom. No. Who would have thought." The sarcasm was thick in my voice.

"Whatever it is you're striving towards, it sounds more like a dream to me. You need a more stable plan." Mom flicked the indicator quite aggressively.

"Oh my God," I laughed, "That's hilarious. You have no idea what I'm striving towards. You can't even tell me what it is."

"Does it matter??"

"Just shows how much you give a shit about me, right, Mom?"

We pulled up to a red light to Mom's delight because she pulled the handbrake.

"How dare you." She seethed, "How dare you speak to me like that. I have done nothing but give a shit about you all these years. I have been there for you, every nervous breakdown, every time you wanted to cry but wouldn't, every time you needed your Mother the most. I was the best Mother I could be because I know that deep down you were hurting." Her voice cracks. "I know that you struggled for so long, what with your parents and all, but I've done all I can to give you what they couldn't. I held you. I loved you. But now, what I'm getting back is this...attitude. All I did, Brie, was express my concern, and you immediately went on the defence." She paused again before lowering her tone, "And I know you want to hold on to this space stuff, so you don't lose someone else. And I know you're in pain. But is this actually what Grandpa would have wanted??"

We held each other's gaze for another moment before the light finally turned red. She started driving again.

But I wasn't done. "Really? All of that and for what, Mom? God, you have no idea what Grandpa wanted for me. If only you knew what he asked of me when he was lying in his deathbed."

"And what was that?" She raised a brow.

"It doesn't matter." I crossed my arms and was back to looking out the window.

"Of course." She stated.

"Just...stop, please. My grades will be better. Now, we're done having this conversation."

I could feel her seething, the heat of her anger radiating through the cramped vehicle. But she said no more.

Not even for the rest of the night.

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey, dear! I've missed seeing you on my dash, how are you doing? What would you say your summer has been like? Sending lots of love and good vibes!

Ahhh this is so kind! I hope you have been well too. I am working on September’s forecast but I have been a bit slow since I am tired with some stuff going on. I am working on a sacred geometry virtual gallery for the plant alchemist mentor so I have been dizzy with motion sickness throwing this gallery together before the full moon haha. 

Last week I just got back from the most insane adventure that I may probably get around to writing another endlessly long post about haha. (editing this post, it turns out that THIS has become the endlessly long post about it haha so I am having a read more added). CW: sex details. It may be TMI but I added a warning before lol 

  Anyway I was having this mutual attraction with this italian guy I met through work who ALSO has a venus in Scorpio like me. We were going to go on a date but the world succumbed to The Plague. He returned to Puglia to be with his family as he quit the company and his apartment so he can just chill and live for free while he figures stuff out, but he was flirting with me through text all throughout lockdown and begging me to visit him when it was safer to travel so I was like: Oh yeah?!?!?! And I booked a 5 day long first date/vacation to Puglia to be with him lmaoo. Venus in Scorpio is intense as hell but we just be like that. My close aries witch friend moved to Southern Italy with her BF too for the time being so I was like ok if stuff goes south she can come save me but this guy like took me FARRR AWAY on the southern coast like 3 hours from her omg. He booked beautiful places like old medieval stone villas (omg one place had a wooden four poster bed, a stone fireplace with a cauldron and a huge color-changing hot tub jacuzzi next to the bed lmaoooo) and we ate endless seafood and went to the beach everyday. Only set back is we were NOT SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE at ALL and it’s really sad cause yeah I got his star chart and over analyzed it before going over there but sometimes I doubt myself like ohh not everyone is their starchart to a T, like you should give people a chance. But he was  e x a c t l y  like his star chart.

First he has A LOT of trines like a lot of fire energy which is great. He’s super passionate, but the trines means he is too chill and positive which is nice but it means he has little motivation to do anything. (Think when there are great trine transits happening, it’s FANTASTIC for doing magic and manifesting things but those days the energy is so chill and harmonious you don’t even want to do anything and they can easily pass you by.) Meanwhile my chart?? It’s fucking SQUARES ALL DAY BABEY like Squares, Oppositions and more Squares. I have something called the grand cross on my fucking chart lmao. So that means I overthink, I can get stressed easily, my life soundtrack is just this long anxiety ridden drum and base background music as I fucking parkour through endless obstacles of racism, sexism, gender identity, fleeing the states cause it’s becoming a totalitarian government, learning a bunch of european languages and skills in case I gotta flee england next, thinking about the future, thinking about my actions in the present, thinking about how I can learn from the wounds of my past, lmao everything is thought about at least 1000 times. I also have a lot of Saturn energy my chart is Saturn dominant so there is a lot of planning, structure and organizing to me. Meanwhile since he is hosting he never has a plan and is always ‘go with the flow’ so sometimes it makes me nervous cause the first place he booked was some GHETTO sex motel that looked like sex traffic was happening in there and I was in the middle of no where with him and I was nervous like praying to the Spirits of Nature and Venus to help me work this out haha. But it was ok. 

His life is so easy cause he’s like a handsome italian man with a mom that wants him to live at home with her until he finds a wife to mommy him. He never has to do any house work or really any work at all cause his parents will support him cause that’s normal in Italy. Honestly if I got with him I would never get that same treatment I would also be hauling ass in the background to cater to him and our kids until the day I die. He also doesn’t really understand what it’s like to be of a group of people ostracized by society. He is a hot cishet white man and has a whole community of good friends and a mom to support him with whatever he does.

He’s also like really traditional and was raised Christian. I told him I was a witch and he was like ohhhhhhhmyGOddddddd and thought it was fucking weird haha and I was like: YOU NEVER NOTICED ME AND ROXANNE (my aries witch friend who moved to Italy who literally wears massive metal pentagrams everyday) ARE WITCHES?! And he was like: I do not know about this haha. 

Lastly about his starchart which worried me when I first reviewed it is that our natal mars are at a square. I mean I have had sex with someone’s Mars in Aries before and it was great but his sex?? Was TERRIBLEEEE!!!!!!!!! TERRIBLEEEEEEEE OHHHH MY GOD. I am going to add a CW for some sex details in case you want to scroll but like: 

--

My Mars is in Cancer so I do like it to be sensual and cuddly with some oral action but he was like so terrible and disgusting and I feel like he probably only slept with girls in his country who may have been traditional like him and never said anything to him cause I am like I dunno how you got away with this for so long having terrible sex like this. Like so grabby and aggressive it fucking hurts like he would have left bruises and I hate that shit like sex is supposed to feel good!! I don’t mind if you grab my ass cause it’s just sacks of fat lol but my boobs have shit in them like glands you can’t be grabbing that!! And sorry this may be TMI but like I’d communicate with him all the spots I’d like him to go to cause they are the most sensitive ones and he’d just ATTACK THEM like some type of police dog sniffing hidden cocaine I am like BITCH CALM DOWN I literally would have to stop him so many times so he wouldn’t hurt me. And he once said: Oh but I like that (being aggressive in bed) and that annoyed me so much I was like: Oh so if you like aggression do you want me to grab and twist your balls in the same way? And he was like: no. lol 

And then his kissing was tErrible. He wouldn’t even start out sensual he would literally just shove his whole tongue in my mouth and it’d be slimy and terrible and tastes like the ash from the weed he’s always smoking and once during sex I bent down to make out with him and he literally just stuck his tongue out in preparation I paused like: NO!!! Like omg he got me so heated I am so heated just typing this lmao. I am also really sensitive with like sensory things and have misophonia so sometimes if certain stimulations are stimulating me the wrong way I get more put off than the usual person and sex is so intimate like every time he grabbed a sensitive part of me I wanted to slap him the fuck back haha. The funniest part though is when I’d give up on him trying to pleasure me (everything was terrible, the fingering was like someone who is in a rush to get the elevator and is jamming the button impatiently; the actual fucking was like.. off beat?? And he could NEVER LAST; he gave me head once but that was interesting I felt like he was trying to karate chop my clit with his tongue lmao I was like please stop omg) I was like fine ok just lie down and I will give you head and we can get this over with.. And when I gave him head for the first time he did not moan or anything he would just say: Mamma Mia!!; and FUCKING HELL it would kill the mood but also I couldn’t concentrate cause I’d be fucking laughing just choking on him laughing like I could NOT. 

-- End sex detail mention lol 

Anyway I am always wary of sex with Mars in Aries people but this experience is going to make me avoid them and have trust issues haha. Anyway I got a lovely free vacation in a beautiful region with incredible food. His friends were nice though my Italian is really terrible and nonexistent (omg also speaking about communication, he forgot most of his english so it was a challenge speaking to him haha). We were both wild as hell to do this even though we didn’t really know each other but whatever that’s the Scorpio in Venus. And in a perfect Scorpio fashion we may never see each other ever again because he may not return to London, I mean we pretty much fell out of infatuation with each other cause of the terrible sex chemistry and the only reason I have to return to that region of Italy is to see my witch friend there but there is a chance she is going to move to London again and she lives in a different city from him lol. 

So yeah I have been quiet over here but this is my current life. If you want to look at the gallery I am working on it’s in it’s rough draft form but you can find it here! 

https://www.artsteps.com/view/5f4946b290389d2f7d705e86

[minhoslut]

♡ summary: Reader is traded to a band of pirates in return for the safety of her village because of her plant magic. They are not like she expected, much more like her than she could even imagine in fact. This is a journey through their relationships and the high seas they sail on.

♡ pairing: superm x fem!reader, superm x eachother

♡ chapter: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | ? |

♡ series warnings: blood mention, injury mention, swearing, anxiety, death mention, depression, weapons, mxm

♡ series genre: romance, smut, angst

♡ series rating: Mature

♡ word count: 1761

♡ posted on: AO3

♡ chapter three: so close

The rest of the day was just watching Mark talk to people until the sun had begun to set, then he brought you back down to the mess hall. He pushed you to sit down at the edge of the table and then sat as far away as he could. You rolled your eyes, not like you wanted to sit with him anyway, you didn’t even want to be on this stupid fucking ship. Ten came and sat beside you handing you a plate with a chicken leg on it and some potatoes. The other five boys joined the table soon after, the Captain taking his seat at the head, you, Ten, and Lucas on one side and Taemin, Baekhyun, Taeyong, and Mark on his other. You ate your food quietly as the men joked and talked with each other, ignoring their words in favor of imagining your sweet garden, how the peas would be ripe by now, sweet and crisp.

Glancing around the table you made sure no one was watching you before growing a single pod to eat. It wouldn’t be exactly like your gardens, but it was a small comfort you could provide yourself with. The fresh pea gave a satisfying snap when you bit into it, exactly how you had wanted it. Unfortunately, the crunch also drew seven pairs of eyes to your face. “Fascinating…” Baekhyun said, “Can you do other things?” Taemin asked, eyes shining. “What a useless thing.” Taeyong scoffed, turning away. “Sorry, it’s not what you had hoped for.” You shot back at him. Jongin held a hand up and everyone looked at him, “So Y/N, you’ve decided to show the others?” Jongin raised a brow at you.

“I wanted a comfort from home, is that so terrible?” You said, locking eyes with the Captain, earning a deep chuckle in response. “Never.” He replied with a smile, catching you off guard. You looked away quickly, it should be illegal to have that pretty of a smile. “It isn’t useless Taeyong, you of all people should know that.” The Captain said, giving Taeyong a pointed look, making the purple-haired man look away flushed. You were confused as to why Jongin was defending you, it was weird and made butterflies flutter unwantedly in your stomach. “Can you grow bigger things? Like a whole tree?” Taemin asked, bringing your attention to his excited face. “Well, yeah. It uses more energy though, so it's better for me to grow it in the Earth…” It was weird to talk about your magic, you hated it most of the time. Plus, Taemin was actually curious, in a positive way, which had never been the case.

“Could you grow me a strawberry?” Baekhyun asked his eyes in full-blown puppy mode. You thought about it for a moment and ended up giving in, growing the blue-haired man a plump red strawberry. You held it out for him to take, glaring when he received it with his mouth instead of his hands as you’d intended him to do. When he'd finished he grabbed your hands across the table, "That's the best strawberry I've ever had!" You tried to pull out of his grip, but he held you firmly. All these guys are much stronger than they look... "Thanks, I guess." You said reluctantly. By now dinner was basically finished, the Captain stood and dismissed everyone, exiting the room with Taeyong and Mark on his tail.

Ten and Lucas walked off together, heading who knows where leaving you with Taemin and Baekhyun who both stood. You realized that you had actually been given no orders as to where you had to go, and none of the boys had been told to watch you either. But then again, what would you even do on your own? What would the other crew members do if you weren't accompanied by one of the seven? You shuddered at the thought, even though you were fairly certain Captain Jongin had ordered you to be left alone. "Y/N come back to the cabin with us~" Taemin said coming over and linking arms with you. Baekhyun followed suit and latched on to your opposite arm, leaving you with no choice but to allow them to escort you back to the bunks.

Baekhyun sat on Taeyongs bed while Taemin flopped onto Lucas’, leaving you to tentatively sit on Taemin's bed unless you wanted to fall in an attempt to get up on your bed by yourself. “So, can you do anything else fun?” Taemin asked, looking at you expectantly, Baekhyun's face reflected the same look. “Uh, well I can help a plant that's already growing, grow faster. I can talk to them if they have things to share I hear it.” The men hmmed in fascination. “How much energy does it take for each thing?” Baekhyun asked, you thought about it for a moment, you never really tested it out.

“Well, it is basically nothing for me to grow a single piece of fruit or a vegetable, flowers even less. If I were to grow a fully mature tree, I’d feel as though I must rest for the rest of the day.” You explained, looking at your hands, the magic that ran through your body was nothing but a curse. “Can you grow something for me?” Taemin questioned, tilting his head curiously. “What would you want?” You surveyed him as he considered your own question. “A white rose, if you could.” You smiled at the request, roses were lovely flowers, you had many bushes of them in your garden. You’d thought he would have picked a food item, but apparently he was going to continue to surprise you.

“Alright, let’s do that then.” You opened your palm, growing the rich green stem, then letting the soft white petals unfurl one by one. When it was bloomed, you handed it to Taemin, who held it gently, a smile spreading across his face. “It’s beautiful, Y/N, thank you.” His words struck you, no one had thanked you before, much less for you using your powers. “You’re welcome, it’s no trouble though really.” It felt strange to be thanked, you felt unsettlingly happy from his kind words. “How often do you go on land, to get things?” You tried changing the subject. “Well usually we only stop at certain ports, but if we were really running low we’d just stop somewhere and take it.” Baekhyun said tapping his chin thoughtfully, “That doesn’t happen often though, Mark stays on top of everything.” Taemin added.

“That I know. I was forced to follow him around all day while he checked the stock.” You said with an eye roll, making the two men chuckle. “He’s headstrong that boy, fiercely loyal too. An excellent boatswain.” Taemin said a fond smile on his lips. “What are your labels then? If he’s boatswain, and Lucas is cook.” You asked them. “I’m quartermaster, I make sure everyone does as they are told and put punishments in place if necessary.” Baekhyun answered with a playful smile. “And I am the lookout, watching to make sure no enemies are near and helping to ensure we are headed on the right track.” Taemin supplied, sounding proud of his placement.

“A lookout sounds interesting, I wish I’d been with you instead of Taeyong and Mark. Those two are rotten.” You spit, reminded of Taeyongs treatment that morning. “They aren’t all bad, they just feel like they must show the captain a certain image.” Baekhyun says softly, the look on your face making you regret saying anything against the two, despite everything. "I wish you'd been with me too, it would have been fun~" Taemin said sending a smile directly to you. "Or you could've hung out with me while I ordered people around!" Baekhyun said, puffing out his chest. You giggled, "Sounds like less fun than look out sorry." You teased him, surprised by yourself at the friendly act.

It seemed like this was an effect that these two especially were constantly having on you. Making you feel safe and happy on a ship you had no business being. "Well I hope I don't have to deal with those two again tomorrow, they are frustrating, to say the least." You sighed, trying to use slightly kinder words in honour of Baekhyun. “The Captain is speaking with them now actually, giving them a bit more information on your… situation.” Taemin said, piquing your interest. "What about my situation?" At your question, Baekhyun shot Taemin a look and they both shut their lips tightly. "How about you show us some other magic?" Baekhyun suggested, switching the subject quickly with a somewhat forced smile. You glared at him, why were they always tiptoeing around the reason for you being here. It was frustrating to no end, and you were getting sick of it.

“I hate these powers, I hate having magic.” You could feel the emotion bubbling up as you spoke. “Y/N, the magic is a special thing. It’s a gift.” Baekhyun said, in a way that made it seem like he knows a whole lot about magic. “What do you know about living with magic? About my life? It's a fucking curse! I hate it! I hate magic!” You were yelling now, hands clenched tightly. “Y/N, that’s, that’s not-” You cut Taemin off, “Don’t fucking act like you know me, like you care about me. Yeah, my life was shit before, but at least I wasn’t on this dumbass boat with a bunch of fucking pirates who treat me either like shit or act like they didn’t kidnap me from my home.”

You were fuming, hot angry tears began to pool in your eyes. “I’m sorry Y/N, for it all. We just, Captain doesn’t want us saying anything, but it isn’t fair to you.” Baekhyun said, looking you directly in the eye. You stared right back at him, “I’m going to speak with him, okay?” With those words he left the room, leaving you alone with Taemin. Taemin came over to where you sat on his bed, sitting down beside you and enveloping you in a tight hug, You froze. No one had hugged you since you had been cursed. Taemin held you close to him, despite you not giving any reciprocation. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry you hate magic, I’m sorry you hate us, I’m sorry.” He was barely whispering, his voice thick with emotion.

The tears finally began to stream down your cheeks, you were tired of this, of everything. Why did you have to be cursed.

[a-leo-mbebe]

Trigger warning:

Please do not read if mention of cancer, death, depression and anxiety are sensitive topics.

Hi, hello!!

Not that anyone noticed (but if you did, thanks, you're the MVP), I've been M.I.A for the past 2/3 months (maybe more...).

But here's why. Since the second week of January and to be very particular, since the 9th of January, my life went tits up.

Let's dive in, shall we?

Once again, if mentions of depression, anxiety, grief and death could trigger you, you still have time to exit.

Now that the warnings are out the way, here's what's up.

By the end of December, I decided that it was time for me to live my life again. What I mean by that is, for the past few years, it felt like I was just cruising through life, not really living it. My mother was extremely sick and I had to take care of her. Honestly, I'm glad I did, but that shit was time consuming and it burnt through my energy and will to live like nobody else's business.

Anyway, I decided to go to therapy to deal with whatever bullshit and better myself. 2020 was going to be MY year. Besides therapy, I started to be financially responsible. And I feel like every time someone starts to do something good for themselves, life is just like "haha, bitch you though".

So, January 2020 rolls in. I'm hyped as FUCK! I'm listening to Ciara "Level up", determined to live my best life. The first week was fine. Dare I say, it was fabulous.

I reconnected with an old flame and things were looking up in the romance department. I was learning what boundaries were and trying to implement that in my life. Work was okay. I mean, like I said, I was a 1000% sure 2020 was my year.

By the second week of January, shit hit the fan! Just thinking about it, I'm anxious laughing and I wanna yeet myself out the window, but let's power through it anyways.

Monday 6th, I got a call while I was at work (I think it was my father but not sure). My mother was going to be moved to ICU because one of her lungs collapsed. Quick background story. My mother has battle cancer for 26 years, but last year, it invaded her lungs and brain. She got treatment and we were a little hopeful. But like I said, Life has a bitter sense of humor.

So, I got a call. By the time I got home, the ambulance was there and my mother was being taken away.

When I got to the clinic, a lot of people were already there. After a lot of scans and whatever, I talked to the doctor and guess what he said. Well, if you guessed "there is nothing much we can do", you guessed right. So, yes, the doctor basically told me my mother was dying and they were keeping here just to help her alleviate the pain.

I don't really remember the times I visited her, except for two visits.

Once, she gathered me and my two older brothers to make sure we weren't fighting anymore. (I had some issues with my middle brother).

The second time, she begged me to take her home, but I couldn't do much, so I'll let you guess how I felt after that.

So three days later, she came back home. I didn't recognize my mother anymore. She was so thin and weak. She couldn't even speak or eat. This lasted almost 10 days... And then, she passed.

Once again, I was at work when my aunt called me crying, telling me my mother wasn't feeling alright. Right away I knew what was going on. One of my coworkers drove me home.

By the time I got there, she was already dead. No matter how prepared you think you are for these moments, it's never enough, trust me. It was as if someone slapped me.

When I came into the room, my mother was gone. Her hands were cold and she wasn't breathing anymore. The light of my life was no longer.

She was buried the next day.

Since then, I'm trying to find a new meaning to my life, but it felt (still feels sometimes) very empty.

I won't say it was a dark time, but it was. Depression hit me like a ton of bricks and let's not talk about anxiety. I avoided my phone because I was scared of it. Everytime it rang, I felt like I was about to throw up.

Allegedly, depression can mess up your immune system. I think it's true. I haven't been truly sick in the past 5 years, but the week following my mother's passing, I got a lung infection (v funny) and 3 weeks later, I had a really bad case of the flu. So bad, my father was about to force me to get tested just in case Auntie Rona decided to pay me a visit.

In the meantime, I managed to start a relationship (if we can call what I was in a relationship... lol). At first, it was good, so good, but then, it quickly hit the wall. The relationship just slowly faded. A lot of other things happened, but I'm going to keep that to myself for now....

If you made it all the way to the end. Thanks. And that's about it. I'm doing a lot better. Sometimes, I still feel like going to sleep and never waking up, but hey, one day at a time, amirite?!

[nnq]

modern!au k(lance)

they're all in their 20's except for Shiro who's 30 and coran who's 50

first of all. miss me with that 'pining roommate' shit. I love miscommunication and making characters that r sexy bffs with one another

Lance meets Nyma through a Craigslist ad he put up saying he needed a roommate. the moment they met was a tragedy for everyone but them because they're that powerful and beautiful

lance with tousled hair, wearing a half-unbuttoned silk shirt and designer jeans, Michael kors sunglasses pushed up atop his head, arm wrapped around nyma: hi guys this is my roommate, nyma!

nyma, with her blonde 3-ft long box braids down her back, perfectly manicured red nails, bodycon dress and loubitons, hand on lances waist: hey

allura, shaking and on the verge of tears: STOP MAKING US LOOK POOR AND UGLY

Lance is in school for marine biology and Nyma works as a hairdresser and the both of them are small beauty gurus on YouTube that collab with one another

lance: hey guys we're going to be trying out the new anastasia pallete we got today :)!

nyma: and by got we mean shoplifted from sephora

lance: NYMA YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT

they're also insta baddies and both gender non-conforming baddies. Nyma is a nonbinary lesbian icon and lance is a nonbinary bicon.... those are like the fucking BEST senses of style

anyone with eyes can see that nyma is into and ONLY into girls but of course... heteronormativity.

rolo: I still don't get why you're dating lance. he's super annoying.

nyma: he doesn't bitch nearly as much as you even when he's got my cock in his ass

they do this thing where when people assume they're a couple they pretend they're some kind of kink couple and freak everyone out

which is why when hunk and pidge meet nyma they're like :eyes: but when nyma flirts with pidge lance doesn't even bat an eye and then lance starts pining about Keith's greasy mullet and his bags under his eyes and nymas got this look on her face that perfectly resembles a man who's lost all sense of normalcy and righteousness in his life and now sits in a bar every night listening to this dumb romance novel type shit and then pidge and hunk are like. oh. no they're just gay.

speaking of keith. he's one of those gays. one of the quirky emo gays that never sleeps and listens to 'coffee and cigarettes' on repeat and has like 3 strings of lights in his room and not only is an art major but ALSO a photographer. and yet somehow he still has the will to wake up at 5 am every morning and go to the gym like some kind of HEATHEN.

Lance knew Keith in high school for 3 years until he got expelled for fighting at the end of his junior year. He was also universally crushed on and was the bad boy jock of the school with a heart of gold so naturally Lance pretended to despise him so he could pine for him in peace

that all goes down the drain when Lance recognizes Keith in one of his classes and goes through the five stages of grief because a) he's hot and b) Lance is openly bi now so he doesn't have an escuse to not tolerate him

(He wasn't gonna do anything about it until he was put in a group with Keith a few weeks into class and he off handedly mentioned he went to Keiths high school, and Keith claimed he didn't remember him, and Lance was just a tad bit upset but was gonna leave it at that except after like 5 days of working together Keith slams his fists into the table and is like 'HOLY FUCK LANCE MCCLAIN?' And Lance is like. w. What.)

turns out Keith does remember lance. very vividly, actually. because he was the guy that everyone kind of had a crush on because he was so nice and charming to everyone he met, and Keith was SO gone for him. he just didn't recognize him tbh, which makes sense, bcuz in high school lance wore blue contacts and had straight hair and now he just wears glasses occasionally and leaves his hair wavy. Keith is gay and stupid don't blame him

keith, bursting into Shiro and Adams apartment at 2 pm: SHIRO HOLY FUCK

adam, bags under his eyes, underneath the covers of him and shiros bed: good fucking god not again

I'm tired of talking about ppl other than Lance and nyma though so I'm gonna talk about them for a bit because im love

as I said Lance has wavy hair and his actual eye color is brown but as he was growing up he was hella insecure about it that's why he wore blue contacts.... nyma caught him once trying to put them on again and put an end to All That Real Quick

nyma has brown eyes too and they're super dark, almost black, and that shits breathtaking bro. she usually has her real hair dyed blonde all the time and permed but she also likes to wear wigs and get braids too because she knows she looks damn good in them. everyone is jealous.

lance has tons of super light freckles. Enough said. nyma has a birthmark on her hip that's kind of shaped like a horse if you look at it from the right way

lance: you were a horse girl as a kid weren't u

nyma: how fucking dare. how fucking dare you say that. I really do have to laugh.......

nyma: obviously I was a warrior cats stan

lance's sense of fashion ranges from 'i went to California for a week once and now I can't stop wearing sweatpants and slides' to 'It's surprising I haven't gotten robbed at this point'. Lance is a scholarship baby so all the money he saved up through countless jobs and the one he already has at a coffee shop almost exclusively goes to clothes and kombucha

Nymas sense of style is definitely more on the eccentric side but since she looks good in EVERYTHING she gets away with it. think dollskill but with more neon colors and designer. she's the kind of person that never wears the same shade of lipstick for a whole month and has a box full of makeup palletes that are almost untouched and everyone who has seen it is both jealous and in wonder FENTYWAYS...

Keith goes over to lance's apartment for a project of sorts and immediately assumes that Lance and Nyma are a thing (they're very platonically affectionate, Nyma will kiss lance's cheek and they cuddle sometimes) which is disappointing but it's not a surprise considering Lance is so Lance and everyone else acts like they are dating so that must be the case, right?

lmao you thought.

nyma: holy shit. holy Fuck. God, allura is so hot. I would probably die if she brushed past me. I would die happily knowing I've been blessed by the touch of an angel.

lance: yeah haha she's really pretty.

keith, struggling to not choke on his coffee hearing All This at 9:31 A.M. in starbucks:

Keith asks if he can take photos of the two of them for his photography insta and they both jump on it so they can flex being sexy and afterwards Lance thanks him with a kiss on the cheek and Keith is sent REELING into gay mayhem.

lance: do you think that was like..... too much.

nyma: i think men are dumb that's what.

I mean u can't really blame Keith because Lance and Nyma are constantly joke-flirting with one another on social media and are in almost every one of the others photos in some way, or at least tagged, so by the time Keith actually works up the nerve to ask about that, it's been WEEKS since Lance kissed him and he's been miserably failing to ignore it

keith: so.... how's nyma doing?

lance: she's good! She's spent all day dying one of her wigs so she went for a coffee run lol. probably will hang with allura and shay later too

keith: and.... that doesn't make you jealous?

lance: LOL no.... they could never compete with me (talking about being Nyma's best friend)

keith: oh.... well, it's good that you trust each other a lot in your relationship.... you seem like a really good boyfriend

lance: wat the fuck did you just say.

as soon as lance explains that nyma is not his gf and they're just bffs Keith is like ohthankgod.jpg and almost accidentally asks lance on a date before he stops himself and is like.... dumb gay bitch calm DOOOWWWNN

after that it becomes very obvious that nyma and lance r just friends at least for Keith mostly through dumb shit they say to one another

lance, sitting with hunk, pidge, and Keith at the library: hey guys wanna see something cool.

pidge: go for it

lance, clearing his throat: she think she bad but I'm better, these bitches tryna play catch up-

nyma, coming out of nowhere: SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN I'M TALKING LIL BITCH, PUT YO HEAD DOWN WHEN YOU TALK TO A PIMP-

Nyma and Lance have self-care nights every Friday, sometimes Allura or Shay will come, and very RARELY Keith if only to spend time with Lance. also? Allura and Shay are dating, die mad about it.

They do waxing, exfoliation, mud masks, moisturizing treatments, hair masks, painting nails.... need I go on. it's basically whatever they want to do that week and when Keith reluctantly agrees to participate one day Lance goes mental

lance: OK so here's what I'm thinking. it's obvious you haven't really had a self care day for a while, which is like, fine, you do you, but holy shit are your split ends bad. I was thinking maybe I could trim them and then we could do a hair mask? Oh! A face mask would be good as well, even though you've practically got perfect skin. I'd offer to wax but for first timers the pain is a bitch to handle on the face. I'm not sure if you'd be an acrylic kind of guy but I have some black nail polish that I could put on- wow, your hands are really big compared to mine, and they're so soft, haha, isn't that crazy? so what do you think?

keith, still reeling from the fact that lance is going to touch his hair, face, and hands in the next several hours: uh......yeah..... sounds great.

nyma, sitting on lance's bed in nothing but a bra and sweatpants, smoking a blunt and readjusting her sheet mask: *long exhale* christ

Shay got Lance into the whole healthy organic food thing and in turn he got Nyma into it so they're both the bitches who drink nothing but Fiji water and almond milk and will offer you a plate of sliced cucumbers and tomatoes as a snack. we Stan a vegan couple.

keith: these are actually really good.

nyma: we usually put them on our eyes, but go off I guess.

keith:

nyma: nah I'm just fucking with you, we have different cucumbers for that

by the end of the night Keith feels like he's been cleaned by a car wash and he's dizzy from all of lance's thoughtless affection and when lance says he can stay the night because it's already late, Keith mindlessly blurts out 'only if it's with you' and nymas like.... um. Wig.

keith, laying stiff as a board on one side of lance's bed: uh

lance: oh my God you gay bitch get over here and spoon me. also kiss me on the fucking lips bro.

Nyma owns a cat named Beezer that she stole from her old roommate (rolo) but calls her beebo because quote 'beezer is so fucking lame bro i hate men'. Lance owns a Russian blue mix called, you guessed it, Blue, that he found stuck in his apartments basement only a few days after moving in. Nyma and Lance are WEAK

lance: ohhhhh look at my pretty baby sitting on the table all cute and relaxed!!! look at that baby!!! fantastic stuff!

nyma, putting her head on beebos belly: You Are So Soft And So Chubby I Would Die For You

pidge would also die for the both of them

OK I'm tired and uninspired so I'll stop here but I MAY ADD MORE LATER

[cliquestitsandicks]

Tracking Kat

Episode 1: Kat is mourning the end of her relationship with Adena. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup in Paris. She's still looking at old pictures of them and posted one. She still hasn't sent Adena's equipment to her, even though Adena has been texting her asking for it. By the end of the episode, she's admitted to (in order) Alex, Patrick, and Jane & Sutton that she is not okay. She is still sad about the end of her relationship. Alex tells her "you're so hard on yourself. You got your heart broken. There's no expiration date on heartbreak. You move on when you're ready to move on and when you *are* ready, you will find someone amazing. Someone who will never leave." Then Patrick is an entitled, invasive dick. She told her girls she wasn't ready for it to be real yet and that's why she hadn't told them... but she broke down in front of them. She'd finally accepted it was over. End of the episode, she makes an instagram post exposing her vulnerability to the world and packs up Adena's things for good.

Episode 2: Kat injects Jane for fertility treatment. She is very familiar with Jane's reproductive system at this point - best friends. She learns the Wild Susan, a club Adena took her to that became a safe space she frequents and which happens to be 1 of only TWO lesbian bars in the city, is closing. She learns the only reason it's happening is because developers want to gentrify the neighborhood. We learn Kat has a lawyer (not sure how that may come up later) that she met through the #BeReal campaign. Anyway, Kat throws a queer prom as a fundraiser to help save the Wild Susan. It ultimately fails because $42,000 in one night from poor people is a bit much. But it was a valiant effort and, as Kat learns, the gentrifiers were well aware of its impossibility. This episode is leading up to her political career. "I've been so into my feelings lately, it feels really good to challenge my energy into something that really matters". I am so proud of Kat. In Season 1, I would have worried she was avoiding her feelings, but the writers made a big deal of showing she's done the exact opposite of that in the prior episode.

Episode 3: Kat has been researching councilman Reynolds and he's a total piece of shit - helping gentrifiers, cutting funding to parks, and voting against paid maternity leave. She's fired up. Our girl is P A S S I O N A T E & informed! We meet the councilwoman for whom she plans to volunteer and her campaign manager, Tia. Tia's a tiny, bubbly boss with natural hair and a bright smile and we see Kat brighten up. We later learn she and Kat have more in common, both being NYU grads (actually overlapping while there) and both brilliant. Tia, however, is not from a wealthy and connected background. In their initial meeting, Kat tells Tia "I'm just looking for something to channel my rage and depression". Kat enlists her besties to help get the councilwoman to unseat problematic Reynolds. Sutton clearly sees something between Kat and Tia because she does a friend's background check (checking the social media) and tells Kat she looks very single to which Kat responds "it really doesn't matter because I'm still getting over Adena" and Jane seems skeptical of Kat's protestations with her silent smirk. We learn Kat has really soft lips. Kat is the voice of reason for Alex, being the first one to acknowledge the hypersexual "dangerous" Black man depiction that will likely be projected onto him if he admits he is the man in his friend's story. Then we see her naturally command the crowd at the rally. Again, I am so proud of Kat. She isn't holding back when she knows she should speak up. She's taking control of her narrative. She's fighting for what's right in a constructive manner. And now Tia, who has way more experience with this than Kat, is recommending she run for office.

Episode 4: We start the episode with Kat describing what would be her district and job description to her best friends. She's looking excited about the potential to do something that matters and really help people. In her conversation with the Toby (?. don't know, don't care), we get to see more of Tia being supportive of Kat and Kat being confronted with whether she's motivated to actually run or just wants someone to beat Reynolds. We learn Kat had an abortion in 2013 when she was 20 AS IS HER GOTDAMN RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S HER BODY, but it's something she's felt some sort of shame/concern over seeing as nobody close to her knew about it. Then, and this is so great, after telling her friends she has the conversation with Tia. Tia shares that she's had one as well and completely understands not wanting it to be public knowledge, but in sharing her experience educates Kat on yet another way vulnerable people are having their rights stripped, this time through manipulation and "crisis centers" that shouldn't exist. Tia remains supportive and doesn't pressure Kat at all with her decision. "I am by your side if they come for you, but you gotta do what's right for you". When we get that great speech from Jacqueline we see Kat being moved my the statement that you'll never know what you're capable of if you don't take a leap faith to face challenges that frighten you, then you'll never know what you're capable of. [i'd like to pause right now to say Jacqueline is fucking wonderful and i love her like my white auntie. also Sutton needed to hear that again just as much as Kat and i really appreciate this entire moment.] When Kat leaves Jacqueline's celebration, she passes by one of those "crisis centers" Tia told her about and decides to use her voice to help others. "I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, empowered, forward-thinking, open-minded woman. But, up until now, I haven't been able to talk about my abortion. If me putting myself out there helps even one woman to feel less alone, less ashamed, and less guilty then it's worth it." And just like us, dear Tia is blown away. She actually exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding and biiiiiiiitch (!!!! excitedly). and then they're dancing! This is the episode, upon rewatch, when i recognize how often Tia touches Kat unnecessarily.

Episode 5: Kat's entire recap includes Tia, ending with Sutton saying "she seems to be very single". Her very first scene, Tia is complimenting her walking out of some campaigning event we later learn was a Town Hall. Can we just talk about Kat's blazer for a second? First of all, i want it. Second, how did they find something so perfectly her? It's colorful but still semi-professional, fun, but still about her business. Heart-eye inducing. ok. So the next time we see Kat, she and Tia (whose last name they finally mention as Clayton) are reviewing campaign platform and doing debate prep at Kat's apartment. Tia's complimenting Kat almost continuously at this point. Clearly she's impressed, borderline gushing. and Kat tries to brush it off. Tia's not letting her. And there's this moment when Tia forces herself to break eye contact with her (around 5:40 of the episode). The show tells us Kat still hasn't dated since Adena, but Sutton brings up the "stupid smile" she gets whenever Tia's mentioned. She's making better decisions than Patrick and her being compared to Patrick is lowkey happening a lot. I'm starting to wonder if they're setting up Kat taking over digital if she doesn't win the campaign. Ok, the song choice as they pan to Kat and Tia... "I never normally check my phone 10 times in a minute. I'm not the girl to be kept on hold 10 miles from the finish." Again, Tia is very touchy with Kat, never anything inappropriate of course, but the hand is always on the back or the arm. and their interaction is just.. lovely. I squeal. it's so cute. they're so comfortable. Kat invites Tia to the dinner BEFORE (i got the timing on that mixed up before) Tia says she's "a boring straight girl" [the test determined that was a LIE... nah, my good sis Tia is dealing with some internalized homophobia which is no joking matter, but we don't learn that until the next episode]. Apparently, Kat can cook now? So she just liked Adena's food better i guess? idk... anyway. I get why some of the things Tia said can be taken as flirting, but i still believe that you accept what someone says is their sexuality until they say otherwise. yes, that's even when they're saying things like "when i see what i want, i go for it" and "Annndd she can cook. it's hot" and looking at you like that. Kat telling Jane to apologize because he's her boss and she got suuuper disrespectful and would absolutely deserve getting fired makes me proud. She's the mature friend now. She's the one with a level head on her shoulders. Kat finally makes her feelings known to Tia, but this is after Tia has already stated she's straight. Tia reiterates that this is a professional relationship and apologizes for Kat getting the wrong idea. I'm reminded of when Alex Danvers told Maggie Sawyer she was into her and she was rejected... but in that example i was floored and heartbroken for Alex because ugh, i just didn't see that coming. With this, however, it felt like Tia was clear in her words even if it shocked the hell out of me what the words were. So i didn't feel heartbroken for Kat. I thought... tbh... she brought it on herself for refusing to respect Tia's "no", however soft it was. But the writers did let us know it wasn't over with the music selection... Kat looking at "You and Tia make a great team :)" as "I'll go to war for you" plays.

Episode 6: All the emails have been released and Kat has no worries at all about that because she's a professional. And we get to see her be a boss addressing the entire group. Patrick isn't there this episode (YAY for our sanity!) and i think Kat being a boss so often when Patrick isn't around is intentional. When we see Tia, she says last night is forgotten but she thinks it's a bad idea to remain Kat's campaign manager... which is clearly a hard rejection. One can argue that it's too harsh for someone merely admitting they were into you. But it's just as easy to argue that it's appropriate after telling someone, very clearly, that you are not into them romantically and them ignoring that and saying that you were flirting with them on this date they never called a date before you were already there?? so i'm not mad at it. At the end of the episode, we find out that Tia was rejecting herself, not Kat. Turns out, Ms. Tia Clayton has known she's attracted to women since she was in high school, but she "didn't want to want it". Tia is so TINY AND ANXIOUS ABOUT HER SEXUALITY AND MANY OF US HAVE BEEN THERE. But... and i say this in jest... for someone who is really trying not to be out in the open with her gay, she sure was comfortable kissing Kat all outdoors for anyone to see. My good sis is smitten. I'm excited for the story. Again with the music during their scenes though... "I cannot fallll in love with youuuuu. I cannot feeeeel this way so soon, so soon." Also, my girlfriend and I have watched the gifset of the kiss over the phone and swooned (we live in different states for now). This episode, we also got the flashbacks (i missed Lauren so much). Kat's got red streaks in her hair, is a friend to strangers, has regrettable sex with men who taste like pickles, and is cute as a button. She also called Jacqueline "Mama Jackie" and that's it; that's her name now.

[notthatborderline]

Thoughts on my recent diagnosis and self stigma amongst PDs

At the moment, I'm busy navigating the minefield of stigma around BPD as my diagnosis.

If you look at my therapeutic history, you will see that at the age of 14, I entered CAMHS (Child/Adolescent Mental Health Services for those who do not live in the UK). There followed a period of CBT in my first year of university, which I did not respond well to.

After a failed attempt in my 20s to seek counsel for my sexual assault (the one that I knew about and was sober at, the other I cannot disclose as it is technically a legal matter), I wound up abroad in a three year psychotherapy shortly before my course ended. It was there that I recieved my provisional diagnosis in 2020 whilst waiting for my ED treatment, shortly before the pandemic.

Being honest about the places that my own mental illness/health has taken me to is helpful, in that it enables me to recognise that yes, I've been a right softarse in my life, and that needs to change. It also makes me realise that people from my past weren't the people who I thought they were. In recognising people's need to be the centre of attention (my own included), I can also leap less to the defensive because I know that it can be a negative trait of mine.

Social media is hella good for detecting this need for validation. As part of my studies I have examined the dopamine reward effect from Macit and Güngör (2018) in terms of Facebook likes and comments in relation to internet addiction. While it can to some degree be argued that internet addiction is not real per se, our need for validation through social media is seemingly vital in order to build our online identity.

My known addictions as previously mentioned, were sex and spending. I didn't use drugs as much, but I did smoke the odd joint at times. My alcohol dependency during the time of my promiscuity helped me to numb the pain of my first sexual assault - but what I didn't know that it also led me into some very dangerous situations, and I am now sober. As for the spending, yes, it is good to treat yourself now and then. When you're on state benefits though and awaiting a decision on your UC (Universal Credit) claim, and self funding your degree, you learn the other extreme of frugality - a survival mechanism adopted from your childhood.

I'm not going to say that psychotherapy "saved" me. Nope. What "saved" me was my resilience. My absolute stubbornness to confront myself. Yes, I may be a shit at times, so yeah, hold me accountable for my fuck ups. But unless you are able to do so without looking at your own, then yeet yourself kindly out of my life. I am very much a reflctive individual, with an introverted, feeling and judging personality (thank you Carl Jung), and I do not take kindly to people who have a superiority complex, or who are overly extroverted. But that isn't to say that I won't encounter these individuals - because I didn't choose my disorder. It chose me, and I have to deal with those who come my way.

I get that some of us have a victim complex as a result of our trauma. We wouldn't be who we are without that. But what I'm seeing amongst one person whose experience with BPD has informed them to be some sort of expert about the condition is a pigeonholing of all sufferers into one group. And that is frightening to me. It makes me feel this person is using their personality disorder as their weapon to be mean to others, to somehow absolve themselves of any accountability in the process.

Since my diagnosis - my advice to people is to educate themselves. I accept my behaviours can be destructive - but has it stopped me from growing as a person and settling down into a stable relationship? Nope. Because in your head, the image of someone with BPD is of a dangerously manipulative individual who tells lies for sympathy. While that may be the image that you have, it is an equally dangerous one to perpetuate.

This person has really boiled my piss, as they seemingly have no idea of how BPD actually is apart from a few anecdotes, and their empirical evidence may be right in parts, but it sets a preachy tone which demonises BPD and the people who suffer with it. So I'm going to bed before they accuse me of libel, which they did a few years back 🤦

[polyputthekettleon]

Having feels about medication, and how the fuck am I feeling, anyway?

I had a good chat with a girlfriend of mine last night (but not one of my *girlfriends*, oh goodness, #queerpolyamproblems). She happened to message me about exactly the same thing I was planning to journal about, so I ended up basically just journaling to her.

She asked me how my medications are going -- it's officially been three weeks since I started the guanfacine, 2 weeks since I started the methylphenidate. I told her, my meds are "physically fine," and how this week I did indeed step up my methylphenidate dose (with my provider's consent) from 18mg daily to 36mg daily. I meant to journal about that here, but c'est la vie. Perhaps it is a good thing that that has been a lower priority to me this week; maybe this is the saner, less anxious approach?

To that point, I *think* (big emphasis on the "think", there) that the higher dose is working better for me. I've been more capable of accomplishing tasks I've been avoiding this week, and I've felt more motivation and capacity in general. That said, this could also be due to the thing that prompted me to have fucking feels about my medication regimen in the first place, so... (more on that in a lower paragraph!)

As far as if things are actually better... I don't know. I've read a bunch of different articles trying to parse out what shift in my experience I'm trying to achieve. D describes the experience of her medication taking effect as her brain coming out of a fog, and that's something I've seen described by other people too. But I don't (and haven't) experienced anything I would call a "fog" at all related to the methylphenidate outside of literally two incidences where I felt rather disconnected from my body about an hour after I took it, and then that faded away again within the next hour.

When she asked me if I was still dealing with daily "crying attacks" (her words), I said that the guanfacine seems to be doing a good job on that front. And it really is -- that, or I've somehow gotten over what I was dealing with before. I honestly can't tell. It sounds like there have been some studies showing it's effective at treating anxiety in children and teens, so I guess we'll assume it's working for me too (::shrugs::).

Let me be clear: I am rather fucking displeased about the guanfacine being effective at calming the anxiety cycle that I was in. I was working to reply to people who had commented on my post about grief on the partners of trans folks Reddit board (another one of the "maybe I have more spoons now?" activities I've engaged in this past week), and while was doing that, I just had this flash of recognition of how utterly fucked up I was basically all of December and January, even with the occasional moments of not so fucked up... I was a sobbing mess. I was a crazy mess. And now, I'm not. In fact, I'm feeling more "normal" than I have in a long time, and when I recognized that, I had a glimmer of feeling proud of myself for the fact that I'm doing better, and then I tried to for transparency in one of my replies and mentioned that I was grateful that my anxiety medication was helping me not be trapped in the anxiety spirals that I had been in... and sometime after that my fragile sense of pride and pretend 'okayness' about the situation crumbled. Because I've been doing better since I started taking the guanfacine.

Yes, I felt mildly sedated for the first couple days, and felt like I was accessing too small a range of emotions for the first 3 or 4 days, and wanted to take a nap every single afternoon for the first week, until I started taking the methylphenidate (which could just be a coincidence), BUT I wasn't bursting into tears on a daily basis. I wasn't spiraling up. For the record, I'm still feeling weirdly held back from my full range of emotional experience: there have been multiple occasions the last couple of days where I've been wanting to cry but haven't reached a level of emotional intensity to be able to do so, and I don't know how I feel about that (generally I'm grumpy about it) -- and I am not getting as instantly fired up in response to either D or J saying stupid shit (which is probably a good thing, honestly).

I'm not thrilled about my no longer being so fucked up being so very suggestively tied to me starting psychiatric treatment.

My friend summed it up well: "That’s a hard moment to pass through where you realize how bad things were."

Yeah. If this is that moment, then yeah. This is a hard moment.

She said that she's glad I'm feeling better, that there was "a legit lot going on for you." I felt just as bitter reading her saying it as I did when I hear D say how she's glad to see me doing better, that she's happy to see me more at peace.

I don't feel happy about it. I feel fucking pissed off.

Again, girlfriend hit the nail on the head: "Yeah, I know it feels all really fraught. And you want the meds to work, but the meds working means you worry something is wrong with your brain and you’re broken, which makes you judge yourself really harshly."

Yeah ... I don't want the meds to work, I want my brain to fucking work.

I've been trying to figure out since my initial realization- is this a new thing in my life, then? Is this going to be my always thing? Am I always going to be taking fucking brain meds? Because I don't normally cry every day and break down on doorsteps -- or at least, I didn't. But I did in December and January.

I'm trying to figure out how much anxiety has been in my life prior to this most recent mess. I was trying to sort things out with J's help last night -- is this new? Has my brain changed since when I was younger? Or is it my social environment that's changed and this is how it's affecting me to live in so much flux? Did the fairly frequent freakouts of the last three years (thanks polyamory) finally just break my brain and give me permanent anxiety??

J shared that he remembers early in our relationship, people in his life who would, after getting to know me a bit, say things like that I seem to be my own harshest critic, and that he views that externalized critic that people can see as a manifestation of my anxiety.

So basically, that he can see it having been around for a long time

But then in the stuff about ADHD, it talks about how anxiety is one of those things that can can result from undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.

The question I'm ultimately trying to answer is if in the future I stop taking guanfacine, will I just go back to spiraling up? I have no fucking idea, *but* this has led to me starting to learn a bunch more about anxiety disorders as well as starting to chew through studies like this one (linked below) that talk about the treatment combo I'm following.

I feel frustrated and like I'm grasping, and I don't know what's going to allow me to feel a sense of peace and acceptance around this. Ugh.