#now is really the worst time for a medical scare and i just. im so tired. my heart is still fucked up and cardiology ghosted me.

[vanillabat99]

I think I might have another ulcer, since I'm experiencing the exact same thing as last time, however I refuse to spend my birthday in the hospital. I've been trying to ignore it for like a month now and I haven't been feeling worse, so hopefully waiting another week doesn't kill me!

I'm a little freaked out about it since if it is an ulcer, then I might have something a bit more serious going on. Last time we thought it was due to my painkillers, which I haven't taken since, so I have no idea what might be causing it this time. On top of all that, I'm likely going to have a lapse in insurance coverage and I have no idea how that would impact a sudden hospital trip. At the very least, my digestive system is fucked up 😔

[kazutora-kurokawa]

So im very Afraid of needles and I have a doctor appointment to get a shot and I just need comfort sooooooo

Souya, taiju, draken x reader who's Afraid of needles and they go with her to a doctor appointment and comfort her during every and just hold her as she cries by the shot 🥺

TokRev x Scared!Reader

♡ SFW, fluff, fem reader, comfort, mentions of needles, Taiju stressing reader out ♡

Characters: Souya, Taiju, Draken

note: Thank you for the request anon 🩷 and good luck at your doctor's appointment!

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

Souya

💠 Understands your fear, sharp things are pretty scary, especially when they're going in your body

💠 Offers as much support as he possibly can

💠 Ends up being more stressed out than you even though he's not even the one getting a shot

"Souya can you please stop pacing back and forth? You're making me more nervous than I already am!"

"I'm sorry baby, I'm just so nervous for you. I don't wanna see you hurt!"

💠 Gets scared when the doctor comes in the room and grabs the syringe from the medical cabinet

💠 Holds your hand while you get the shot and you squeeze his hand so hard it almost breaks

💠 Wipes your tears and kisses you all over your face

"It's over now baby, you're fine, okay?"

Taiju

🦈 Doesn't understand your fear of needles, but goes to the appointment with you anyway

🦈 Tries to calm you down while you're waiting for the doctor but ends up making you more paranoid

"Calm down, you'll be fine! The worst that could happen is that the needle breaks off in your arm, and that's highly unlikely."

"You're making things worse Tai, please shut up."

"Sorry, my bad. Are you really that scared of needles?"

"Yes! Terrified actually."

"Aww it's okay princess, I'll keep you safe."

🦈 Holds you the entire time, rubbing your back and reassuring you that you'll be fine

🦈 When he sees you start crying he almost threatens to beat up the doctor for hurting you

🦈 Wipes your tears away and praises you endlessly

"See it wasn't that bad was it? You did such a good job princess."

Draken

🐉 Knows that you had an appointment and cleared his schedule just for you

🐉 Wants to be by your side the entire time to comfort you

🐉 Tries to calm you down by distracting you with stories

"He lit the car on fire?!"

"I swear he did! Then the dumbass almost set himself on fire!"

"How did he almost set himself on fire?"

"He's an illiterate dumbass, what do you expect?"

🐉 You don't even realize the doctor walked in the room until they stick the needle in your arm

🐉 Draken rubs your back and kisses you on your head the whole time

"You're doing so good babydoll. It's almost over, okay?"

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Tagging @arlerts-angel and @i-literally-cant-with-this

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas <3

cw/tws for medical stuff, complex family relationships, discussion of death

so, for context, im a regulus black kinnie (itll make sense, give me a sec aha). ive got a difficult relationship with most of my family, but most especially my mother and older sister. my sister is a lot like our family's sirius (except if he still had walburga's narcissism, cruelty and manipulation), and she really doesnt get along with either of our parents. my mother is... a difficult woman, in that she likes to victimise herself in every situation, shes homophobic/transphobic/all the phobics, shes also very narcissistic, and likes to make uncomfortable comments without bothering to be nice about it. all in all, i try not to be around her much. im also supposed to be moving out soon, and planned to minimise contact as much as possible once i do.

to the point: my mother was diagnosed with cancer yesterday. my father (hes kind of a neutral party in the family dynamics, btw) was the one talking to me about it, since she's in hospital at the moment. he said they caught it early enough where a bit of chemo over the next few months should get rid of it and she'll be okay, but 'cancer' is a scary as fuck word. he also then told me that this isnt her first time with it — she had a different type of cancer around 20 years ago.

honestly, i feel like my brain is battling itself about how i should feel. on the one hand, ive been looking forward to not having to be around her now for years, and i hold very little love for her at this point. why should i care? she'll be fine at the end of it anyway. but shes still my mum, yknow? and i feel awful having these thoughts about how badly ive always thought of her and how much ive wanted for so long to get away from her and how it almost feels like this is some sort of sick fucking joke from the universe about how i should be careful what i wish for or something.

this whole situation keeps making me think about regulus in best friends brother(? i think thats the right fic) or p much any modern au where walburga dies so tbh ill probably end up writing a fic about it to cope, but still i just... i guess i needed to tell someone? my father asked me to keep it to myself for now so that it wasnt spread around where we live (its a small area; everyone knows everyone).

and the bit with my sister - as i said, she doesnt get along with our parents. i dont talk to her much anymore either because she seemed to inherit a lot of our mothers worst traits, but im afraid that if we do talk about this then she'll have some awful thing to say about it. she makes some really dark 'jokes' sometimes about suicide and death and such, and im nervous that she'll say something about how she hopes it kills her (again, my sister fucking sick, and has zero empathy), because shes made similar jokes about other stuff in the past. i also dont think she'd understand that im still afraid for our mother even after everything shes done, and i hate the way my sister turns on me and rips the piss out of me when she doesnt like what i do.

it all kind of circles back to how im supposed to feel, i guess. part of me wants to not care and brush it off, whatever, but theres still part of me dying for my mothers love and approval and is terrified of losing her, even with the low possibility.

sorry this got so long, and for how heavy it is. i hope youre doing well cas, and thank you for all you do for us <3

Hi hon!

My god, you ARE a reg kinnie.

Here's the thing- there is not a RIGHT way to feel about those things. You have a complex relationship with your mom, so of course you'll have complex feelings about the situation. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling any certain way, because there's no right or wring way to process this. You're allowed to feel scared and neutral and confused and ambivalent. That's okay!

Your feelings aren't a betrayal to anyone, and you have a right to them. You also have a right to any action you choose to take. Remember to do what feels right for YOU, because YOU are important.

I'm here if you ever need to talk <3

Naming you reg kin anon.

[5eraphim]

The vampire Demo Engie, Heavy, and Medic with a vampire hunter s/o was so good! You wrote it so well and like I imagined 🥰🥰🥰 could I politely ask u to finish with vampire Sniper, Spy, and Scout? Thank you so much ur work literally rots my brain 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Im so glad you enjoyed- it was so fun to write🌻🥺 for the sake of consistency, i decided to keep the reader gender neutral, also i apologize that Scout and Sniper's sections are kinda short, Sniper's always been weirdly hard for me to write tbh, but i really hope he feels "in character" enough, and I could only come up with a few ideas for vampire Scout- but that aside, thank you for the request!

LINK TO PART 1 🦇🗡️⚰️

Characters: Scout 🐇, Sniper 🦘, and Spy 🐍

Rating: M (MINORS DNI, THIS ISN'T FOR YOU)

Content Warnings: yandere, smut, exophilia, mind break, toxic relationship, hypnosis, primal kink, kidnapping/captivity, possessive behavior, stalking, bad ending, graphic depiction of gore (all of them really- but Spy's is probably the worst RIP)

Word Count: 4.4k

MASTER LIST

TIP JAR

(Song Inspo- Hunter's Moon, Ghost)

Scout, the Lost Boy

If there were any of the vampire mercenaries who would outright try to antagonize vampire hunters for the thrill of it, Scout would be the prime suspect. As a vampire, Scout would likely live much like the Lost Boys. Sleep all day, party all night; as far as he cares, the immortality granted to him is nothing but endless time to party and enjoy his eternal youth. So what if some hunters wanted to join the party? It's not like Scout was afraid they could really put an end to his fun. 

Trying to poach Scout would be a more laborious challenge than you initially thought. On the outside, he might not look like he could put up much of a fight compared to the older vampires, the other mercs. While this may be true, Scout is far from helpless, and even if he's content to spend eternity partying and having a good time, he can be merciless like any creature of the night. 

Scout has a territory he's claimed, a little spot his family once lived he holds onto. It's not much to outsiders, but it's sentimental to him, and Scout fights hard to maintain it. Though that doesn't mean he wants to stay in the same place forever and sees this more as a "home base" rather than a permanent estate. He likes to keep active and is also frequently on the move, endlessly looking for his next high, the next part, or his next meal; because of this, Scout's hard to predict, and trying to track him down and get a hit on him won't be easy.

While he's the youngest of the vampires, he's pretty social and likely heard about you butchering other vampires he knew before you decided to start hunting him. He might even begin to stay on the lookout for you to see if he can spot you before you catch him first. There's a decent chance he's never actually killed a vampire hunter, and he can't help but hope you'll be his first. Strangely the idea of being the one to end your life gives him just as much grief as exhilaration.

Vampires and hunters come and go quickly, given the bloody and violent nature of their lives, but even without really meeting you, Scout can't help but feel attached, and he can't stop wondering why he's so scared to think about you leaving without a trace like so many other hunters before. When you eventually decide to start pursuing him, Scout's more than excited to finally meet you in person, much to your confusion. A little nervous, but in a good way, like the feeling of reaching the top of a roller coaster before the rapid descent. 

His excitement to meet you goes without saying, but maybe he also feels flattered to think you consider him dangerous enough to try and hunt down. Feeling like he's finally one of the "big bad" vampires now that hunters are going after him. Before the encounter, he'd been extra savage in the night, leaving bloody carcasses within the perimeter of his dwelling, hoping they would help lead you closer to him.

You knew he was arrogant and a show off from what you'd heard from other hunters. So when he came bounding over to you, effortlessly dodging your projectiles and bullets, telling you how excited he was to finally meet you after all this time, you were speechless. You saw him as nothing but a little easy target practice, a lightweight; you had no idea he'd become obsessed with you like this. Before now, you never thought of yourself as a professional-tier hunter, and the idea other vampires could pass your information along amongst themselves made you want to take out Scout all the more.

But as mentioned before, he's not so easy to take out, and the more time you spend fighting, you can't help but wonder if it's all worth it after all. The relationship after this would be a bizarre hunter-and-prey role reversal; the hunter, you, now forced to try and hide and escape from the vampire. However, with Scout's now supernaturally boosted speed and enhanced senses, you're further out of your depths than expected. The depth of the situation only really sinks in when you try to abort your hunt and flee his territory. Scout learned your hunting schedule quickly, immediately noticing when you didn't show up to your usual spot near his turf to hunt.

It wouldn't take long for Scout to begin to assume the worst here, thinking he was no longer good enough for you, thinking you'd run off to replace him with some other vampire. He couldn't bear the thought of it.

Once he managed to find you, Scout made himself known. You knew better than to let him get any closer. Scout's attacks were most effective when he could get right up in your face, so you cleared the area as fast as possible, thinking you narrowly managed to escape. Only to discover your home's shattered windows and a raw human heart on your doorstep, topped with a messily scrawled note letting you know exactly who your "surprise" visitor was. As well as warning you against going after any other vampires.  

From then on, you were forced to constantly watch your back when stepping out of the house, afraid he could be hiding around the corner at any time, waiting to rush you by surprise. He might not be able to get in without being invited, but Scout would force you to live in endless paranoia. He was drawing closer only moments away from striking you again. And you both knew you couldn't hide forever.

Sniper, the Apex Predator

If Scout was a tricky vampire to hunt down because of his unpredictable nature and evasiveness, Sniper was even harder to hunt, though for entirely different reasons. Unlike the loudmouthed speedster, Sniper was an altogether different breed. He managed to elude hunters and stay on the prowl for his next kill by hunting from the shadows. Able to disappear without a trace on command, invisible to any other human or vampire. Sniper only went out in the dead of night and remained out of sight until the second he was ready to pounce, attacking with a predator's decisiveness ending the life of another in a matter of seconds.

To call him territorial would be an understatement. Sniper's land was his alone, and he didn't allow any to trespass. His dwelling held such a reputation for death most thought the ground itself was simply cursed; the idea of an individual, supernatural or not, was inconceivable.

Sniper genuinely was one of those once-in-a-lifetime apex predators. Able to extinguish the life of another with one bite, an attack so silent and sudden none of his prey lived to tell the tale. He was nothing less than the stuff of legends. A kind of beast with a legendary legacy of bloodshed, a traceless reputation, and a propensity for leaving behind no living witnesses. The idea of such a mythic vampire continuing to walk the face of the Earth on this day was too much for most to believe. No one knew how old Sniper was as a vampire, but no one knew much of anything about him, and he liked it that way. You must have been looking for a lot of trouble the day you decided to try and hunt him down.

Sniper might have been just an urban legend to some, but even if he wasn't precisely "believed in" by modern humans, people knew to stay away from his hunting grounds because of the superstition, the supposed "bad luck" striking all who stepped foot there. He was so used to having the hunting ground all to himself that the idea of another hunter out that night stalking him from behind never even crossed his mind. He couldn't remember the last time anyone managed to go undetected by him; if you were to handle such a feat, he'd never seen anything like that before. Sniper might have sensed something was a bit off that night but wouldn't investigate the area. His intuition didn't warn him of a human, and he reasoned if something did manage to get close, he would know by now. So when he caught you out of the corner of his eye, he froze for just a second. But just long enough for you to flee, disappearing from his land in the blink of an eye without a trace.

The following night, he'd be on high alert, wondering if you would return. He felt restless, Sniper was addicted to the isolation in a way, but you changed that, and he no longer felt at rest. Like you altered his home in a way he couldn't quite understand. Sniper couldn't tell if he never wanted you to step foot on his land again or if he needed you back right away to fix what you disrupted. He would wonder why you didn't return because you had your own land to protect and were a recluse like himself. Odd behavior for a human, but you evidently weren't quite a "regular human" yourself.

Surprisingly, Sniper would be more unnerved, almost curious rather than angry or hostile with you. Despite the brevity of the encounter, you still managed to get closer than any other living thing, and you seemed to awaken his need for companionship, his desire which lay dormant for so long and memories of life with family-other living intelligent creatures he thought he'd forgotten. 

He could tell you were something like himself, something he'd felt for no prey before. A hunter, a slaughterer, yet He couldn't understand why you didn't rush him for the kill that night? The idea that you somehow were taken by him and spared him because of some illogical attraction made him blush for a moment before he forced himself to be realistic. You must've heard stories of how he could end the life of another in seconds, and he couldn't ignore the irritating disappointment as he realized you were likely only interested in saving yourself.

An eternity of looking over his shoulder, protecting his homeland, awaiting the moment other hunters would foolishly come along and try to sink their claws or teeth into him was all he knew for so long. Could he be blamed for hoping it didn't have to be like this forever? The only positive memories Sniper managed to hold on to despite how long ago it had been of the family he once knew a lifetime ago; it couldn't be a coincidence you awakened these memories. He needed you back, and he needed it before some other predator, someone below his caliber, came along and took you from him. 

Unlike all the other vampires, he wouldn't be captivated by your humanity or the life within you; Sniper sees you as something different entirely. Something so like himself, you weren't suited to being human; if he could turn you into a vampire, he could give you the life you deserved, life as his companion. He would protect you forever if only you would let him.

While you weren't technically a monster like he was, you were still a murderer, an animal, and it was fate that brought the two of you together. His destiny is to turn you into a creature of the night, and yours to remain by his side until the end of time. He didn't usually step foot on his land, but he did so with a clear mission in mind the night he set out to track you down.

A sniper would stalk you, observing from afar, remaining invisible, undetectable while watching, doing everything in his power to keep his emotions from revealing himself. Sniper attached this image of a better future to you, becoming fixated, thinking you were meant to be his mate. What was the point of being the king of the land without someone to rule over and protect? Vampires didn't go through the circle of life like humans as they didn't age, Sniper would believe his time as a lone wolf was ending, and you were meant to become his mate, metamorphosing his lonely life into something better than before.

Spy, the Mastermind

It wasn't often a hunter would make the mistake of trying to hunt down and kill a vampire as powerful as Spy. While he might not have a reputation for lethality like Sniper, Spy was endowed with different abilities upon becoming a creature of the night, yet certainly not abilities any less powerful. Spy's gifts were almost all psychologically fueled as a vampire, and while his physical skills weren't too humble either, he hardly needed to use physical brawn when killing. Spy could make you see things, take control of your mind, and force himself inside your consciousness until you were nothing but a backseat passenger in your own body. Depending on the target, he could get a peak into their memories and use them to show the victim their greatest fear; nothing made a meal more appetizing to Spy than adrenaline and fear in the blood before he feasted. 

Sometimes, victims weren't even fortunate enough to hold onto any self-awareness when he manipulated their minds. When he's really feeling spiteful, he will pick on the unlucky souls of those who happen to cross his path, getting inside of their minds and compelling them to carry out his will, manipulating their bodies like a puppet on strings. No one knows what happens to the victim's mind after Spy takes complete control, but the morbid carcasses on the sidewalks discovered the following day covered in gore keep most from wanting to know more.

If he wanted to, Spy could kill off his prey in seconds, keep his hands clean and remain undetectable. And when it came to no menial everyday feeding, this would sometimes be his method of execution; he might be on the thinner side, but given his immense power, he required a great deal of blood to sustain himself and couldn't go long without human's blood before weakness began to set in. But he was too proud and merciless a killer to deny himself a bloody spectacle every now and then.

Spy resented humans and any vampire he deemed weaker than himself, as in virtually all of them. He saw them as the kind of beings which clung to the coattails of stronger predators to stay alive, nothing but leeches and parasites before lions such as himself. He was relentlessly diligent and efficient when killing off hunters and wanted their deaths to be a mortifying ordeal.

Spy would leave his victims not only horrifically gored and splattered to stain the streets for days to come, but he would cruelly torment his prey by leaving their corpses in such a fashion the cause of death often appeared to be suicide or accident. As though they and their blood weren't even edible to him, good to mix with the dirt in the streets and nothing more. Only the most skilled hunters could parse through the carnage and viscera to identify his handiwork, a task far too grim for most. But not for you, though you had a greater motive to study and track Spy than most.

You were exactly the type of prey Spy found to be the least appetizing. You weren't a highborn socialite; you didn't have any kind of generational wealth or inheritance, possessing little more than the clothes on your back. Even to other humans, your type wasn't paid much attention, and neither were their corpses left in the streets in pools of their own blood, flies, and maggots already riddling the bodies. But even though you lacked money or culture, you made up for it with loyalty and grit, and you weren't about to sit by and let this monster get away with taking the lives of those you loved. 

Even if Spy didn't know who you were or that it was your friend's blood he painted the streets with, you were patient, and your vendetta gave you all the focus you needed to study him like a hawk. To remain vigilant until you're ready to go in for the kill and fight to avenge all the lives of the "scum of the streets" taken by the vile monster.

Knowing his attacks were psychologically centered, you honed your defenses the best you could, making your mind impenetrable. Snatching up every protective item you could use to get any possible advantage in the fight. By now, you were motivated by your hatred for Spy, he was a petty coward, fighting from a distance, lurking in the night, finding it more rewarding to watch his victims hurt themselves than shed their blood with his own hands, but you didn't dare underestimate him.

When you confronted him for the first time, he was taken back to discover he couldn't actually manage to get inside your head as he often could. You trained with humans you knew to be psychically adept, and though you were technically powerless, your training was about to pay off, giving you a shield from his prime mode of offense. Because of this strategy, the fight was painfully prolonged, you were better defended than any other, but your attack was far from as potent. As a result, neither your nor Spy's offensive attacks did much good against the other and were forced to exchange blows, waiting to see whose stamina would give out first.

Likely the looming threat of the rising sun would cause Spy to force himself to retreat, using the last of his strength to escape and recoup his stamina until he was ready to take you on again. While your vendetta gave you the power to fight, Spy fought back primarily because of his bruised ego. Who were you to come and challenge him like this? Some low-born nobody is trying to make a mockery of him! Someone needed to put you in your place, and Spy knew he needed to be the one to do it. If you thought you were so tough to put up a fight against a real vampire, he would need to make your fear overtake your hatred. While Spy couldn't get inside your head as he could with most prey, he could still easily detect your loathing, and for a patient such as yourself, he couldn't help but find it quite enticing. Perhaps he could work up an appetite for a street rat like you after all.

The next time the two of you met, you couldn't ignore how he clung to the shadows far tighter than before. Spy sulked just out of sight and maneuvered silently rather than facing your head, you forced yourself to ignore the sound of his voice inside your head, but now that you couldn't hear it, you felt far less prepared. Moments when you could listen to his voice, it sounded nothing like before; his gruff, confident voice softened into an almost gentle purr, sounding almost lullaby-like rather than hypnotically attractive.  

He would croon to you, "I can fight you like this forever; you know your defeat is guaranteed; why don't you be a good little human and sit still while I slit your throat? I can give you such a painless, swift death. Doesn't that sound good?"

Hearing him uncharacteristically faking compassion felt like a calculated attack you couldn't decipher. Nevertheless, you reminded yourself not to listen but to keep your face up, hand close to the level of your eye, ready to strike. Though at moments like this, when you could feel all your muscles almost painfully strained, prepared to attack, the silence felt all the worse. The silence was harder to deal with, but you knew it was a thousand times better than letting him get inside your head.

But Spy was ready to up the ante. Earlier, he remained out of sight, silent and like a ghost, but he grew bolder, making fleeting contact with you while your back was turned. Not enough to actually hurt you, but enough to send your paranoia through the roof. 

His fingers brushed up against the back of your knee; you whipped around but saw nothing there, only to feel your heart sink and skin crawl as you felt his hands draw higher, no matter how you tried to wriggle free and turn to see behind you, he was faster. 

A palm to the side of your thigh, his knuckle skimming the curve of your waist, you could even swear you felt breath against the back of your neck, altogether invasively close yet still out of sight. The juxtaposition made you whimper in fear. Your despair was rising considerably as you caught your reflection through the glass of a window only to see no one behind and a fear you hardly recognized etched across your own face. 

You felt so small, alone, and terrified, like nothing more than a child wandering out at night, afraid the boogeyman was about to get you. But his attacks were relentless; while you were stable enough to keep him from controlling your mind, he tortured you, showing you all the dead bodies of your friends slaughtered before now, their final screams echoing through the silent streets. The sound of his wicked laughter around seemingly every corner as you ran in circles. No matter how hard you mentally screamed, none of it was real; the fear took control all the same. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you passed a corpse, identical to yourself, under a street light, Spy standing motionless over the carnage. You couldn't help but freeze up, unable to look away from the sight before you, retching at the view. Your body was twisted grotesquely, blood leaking from deep gashes, hunks of skin separated from the rest of you, some detached entirely, yet some clung to your mangled corpse stubbornly. Your clothes were mostly torn off, hanging off your body in ribbons, dampened by your blood, and unable to conceal the entrails which peaked through the holes in your flesh and clothes. All the while, Spy merely stared back at you, smiling, bearing his fearsomely sharp teeth, his hands, and the bottom of his face coated in your blood which caught the light of the streetlamp. 

He extended a land in your direction, as cordially as a dancer inviting his partner to a pas de deux, bowing slightly as he beckoned you closer, arm still outstretched, but the sight of him drawing closer, no matter how subtly, was precisely what you needed to force your legs to work again and tear yourself away from the view before you.

Before, you were so blinded by hatred having every confidence it was enough to carry you through the fight, but as you tore through the dark alleyways, you felt utterly helpless. You didn't even consider falling victim to your own fear, but after a few more agonizing hours of this cat-and-mouse game, you could fight no longer and were about to flee. Exactly as Spy planned.  

There was nothing in your mind but fear, and it was all too easy for Spy to corner you, pinning you to a wall, your wrists in his, forced with crushing strength to remain fixed in place to the wall behind. Spy regarded the sight before him with malicious pride, the once fearsome, resilient vampire hunter shaking as you wept, "Don't hurt me, I don't want to die! Please don't kill me!" Tears rolled down your cheeks through your squeezed-shut eyes, your breath choppy, broken up by coughs and messy sobs. Yet, despite everything, Spy felt his heart throb slightly as he looked at you, so helpless and powerless, your fear more delectable than anything he'd encountered before tonight.

Spy released your wrists, and you instantly hugged yourself tightly, not daring to try and run, and for just a moment, he allowed you to catch your breath, enjoying your cute whimpers and struggling to regulate your frantic breathing. Then, he took your face in his palms, forcing you to look into the depths of his eyes, thumbs wiping away a few tears as he worked his hypnotic charm against your mind. 

"You're all right now, don't cry. No one will hurt you, not while I'm here. You're safe, so long as you obey me, understand? You've been out all alone all night. Are you ready to come home, pet?"

At some point, your eyes drifted from his eyes to his lips as he spoke, your anxieties lifting as you could think of nothing but the sound of his voice, nodding in agreement as you listened intently to everything he said. Allowing your mind to go blank, unable to think of anything but the man before you. All you needed to do was obey. Obedience would keep you safe, or rather he would keep you safe. Nothing in the world mattered other than following Spy home.

Spy knew he couldn't let you go after you managed to get away once before, and even if he did kill you upon the second encounter, it was still too risky. For all he knew, you were out telling all your little low-born friends how you managed to escape, how to keep his mind games at bay, and strategizing to fight as a pack the next time around, and he couldn't risk others gathering the courage to rise up against him like that. Still, he knew death was no fitting end for someone like you; he had something more intimate in mind for your demise.

From that night on, you were kept in his estate, a possession forbidden from leaving the castle grounds. You wore a collar around your neck, and your mind kept in a totally broken state. Forced to demean yourself and live out the rest of your eternity as an immortal servant to the undead demon you once hated more than anything in life. You were kept like his own little lap dog to amuse himself as well as his guests. Spy felt so proud of you; now there was finally something to show all of the lowly human hunters who tried to fight off vampires how to find a way to be useful after all. All while you smiled and fed from the palm of his hand.

[nishloves]

my rant

tw: talks about weight increase, low self-esteem, moderate anxiety, procrastinating tendencies. this is also extremely long.

i just really need to talk/vent about it.

the worst part about being a "casual" gamer is, you never know when you might get addicted with it. i play genshin and CoD, while cod doesn't interest me as much anymore and i only ever played genshin for like twice a month but recently- genshin has been taking over lol, i played 3 hours of genshin alone yesterday and mind you- i've already finished all the archon (main) quests and i'm still playing it!!! (this is called procrastination)

and this is not just limited to computer games no, i once was obsessed with aerobics gymnastics and was practising it all around my house (before corona struck and i physically became unable to do many tricks cue *decreasing flexibility/strength/stamina and everything after i got sick. after aerobics, my hyper-fixation was basketball and i would play it for around 2-3 hours everyday, my body slowly started getting better and my love for sports and gym was ignited again but then i entered into the senior year of my school and i had to inevitably focus more on my studies because i still can't see myself being an athlete/sportsperson even though i really love sports.

now, i was a science major in my high-school (my core were - phy, chem and bio) and i had always been a hardworker but i started getting burnt out, the more i strayed away from staying active and being fit, the more of couch potato i became. i somehow started studying nicely again, but got corona in sept.2022 and was on bedrest for two weeks, my schedule was a mess again. during that time, it were only my high-school extracurriculars (anchoring, debating, basketball, student council) which were keeping me happy along with a few friends (who in future became insecure of everything i was doing and shut me off by calling me "fake", that shit hurt.) and because i had missed 2 weeks of school and was already behind the syllabus by myself because of improper time management, so i developed anxiety- i only realised this after i had a mental breakdown in school for 2 minutes which i wasn't able to control instantly. (my anxiety is moderate and i don't need any medicines for it- i just need to keep my schedule productive and avoid procrastination.) i realised that i was quite behind and that i needed to do something so i did, i shut myself off and studied for 3 months without any outside exposure or anything- but that made me gain weight, from a 54kg 5'7 girl, i went on to a 68kg and because i got sick just immediately after, my weight increased to 70kgs. now, don't get me wrong- i love my body, i still like the way i look but, i don't feel healthy and i don't think you can understand how nerve-wrecking it is for a person who could run 5km without a worry pant after 500m. it was really... and i mean really heart-braking, more than my weight gain, it was my inability to do anything which made me more and more insecure about myself.

my anxiety, my newly acquired low self-esteem were adding fuel to my already procrastinating tendencies.

now. that is the main issues- i am a procrastinator, and for some reason i'm unable to fully get out of it and i get even more anxious when my days are going unproductive which they are!

i didn't score bad in my high-school finals, my scores of normal college entrance exams were good enough to fetch me into a top 3 college of our nation for b.sc but- i didn't want that. even though all my other exams went well, i seriously fucked up my medical entrance examination. i thought to take a drop year but im seriosuly scared because i don't think i did anything fruitful this year and i just feel like i wasted an year of my life and my main exams are in 4 months and im really really getting stressed out because the selection rate is only the top 1-2% among 2 million applicants, talk about competition lmao.

see, i am aware that i can do it, i don't know if it is arrogance or optimism but i know that if i really do give it all- my blood, sweat and tears and everything- i know that i'll do better, i will be able to score enough to get a medical college- but the thing is, i feel like i am scared to start and i don't want to be.

i want to- i need to work hard to better than my present-self, i need to work out to get my stamina, strength and flexibility back. and even if i fail- i atleast worked hard, i just don't want to regret anything which i am doing, i need to get out of this slump and i need to convince myself to get up and atleast try everyday. because i seriously seriously think that regret is probably the worst emotion you could feel and i don't want to spend my life regretting my decisions.

i just- had to get it off my chest lol. thankyou for reading this all.

i promise you, i'll be a great doctor one day and will clear this exam with every courage i am able to muster.

i guess... that is all? have a nice day and take care of yourself!

[blood-injections]

i really want to know what Dr benzedrine's reaction is to seeing funsandkid love fighting (assuming that they do that because I haven't read all of ur funsandkid posts yet)

Yeah funsandkid totally fights but its more for fun and just adrenaline versus the usual funkobra fighting for pent up whatever for sanity etc. The three of them are their own little fight club idk if I'll ever get to writing anything about it but they'd try keeping it secret from Benz because. Doctor and sorta leader of the suitehearts they all think he'd be pissed bc they're unnecessarily hurting eacother or whatever even though they never go too far its just scrapes and bruises at the end of the day and an occasional black eye or split lip or something. Very rarely do they get seriously hurt aside from ghoul accidentally breaking kobras nose once. I also think benz wouldn't like kobra that much like hed be thick as theives with jet star i bet bc they have a medic/tired mom kind of bond. Anyway i think kobra gets sandman into racing and benz doesnt like kobra for that bc it means. I mean hes like its a hobby cool sandman needs more hobbies. He just doesn't like it bc its kobra and bc sandmans away from base more often its just best freind jealousy yknow hed used to fighting alongside sandman and them being super close but now kobra and ghoul are getting all the attention. But eventually like kobra and ghoul are around all the time and eventually hes just indifferent hes used to their bullshit he dosnt hate kobra hes just annoyed by him at worst. When he learns they like to fight eachother he isnt pissed like they think like he gives them a lecture but ultimately his reaction is just like. A heavy sigh and a "fine" yknow. Like i said hes used to their shit and hes not happy that theyre beating eachother up but he can see they clearly have like a system about it and make sure bot to go too far and take care of eachothers wounds if theres any so hes like as long as you dont waste our medical supplies i dont give a shit just dont concuss eachother.

BUT. If its the Dr Frankenstein Dr Benzedrine and frankenghoul thing im building, he would have a muchh different reaction because if ghouls his creation hed have a love hate relationship with it like any like parent and their kid hed hate that ghoul maybe didn't turn out exactly how he wanted like not being like him or hed hate that ghoul hates him because ghoul Would hate him, he'd have a sense of loyalty to benz and feel like he owes him it but also hed hate benz for like. Dude you literally made me alive but you wont let me like go be a person or do half these things fuck you. Because yeah benz is super protective of him. In this case ghoul would have a ton of pent up anger and sandman would be sympathetic with his needs to like fucking live and would sneak him out to have fun behind benz back and then theyd meet kobra and in this case if benz found them sneaking off to party or whatever, let alone fighting eachother for fun, hed freak the fuck out cause hes so protective of ghoul and hed yell abt them putting it in danger and risking ghouls health and shit becaue like. He made ghoul and hes scared ghoul could be unmade basically. Hes scared bc hes a crazy mad scienist and grafted different peoples body parts together or whatever and hes scared of ghoul literally falling apart at the seams but like ghouls tougher than benz thinks he is and maybe he'll see that eventually, but at the moment hed be pissed at them all and hed like try to keep ghoul and sandman separated and hed ban them from seeing kobra, which yknow it just makes them all hate him more rip and totally leads to ghoul fucking running away and joining the fab four and sandman probably fucking off to stick with his boyfriends and it totally makes the crews have a rivalry and shit until they all talk it out and forgive eachother, to their extents

[gibbearish]

re: your post about vaginismus. idk if that's specifically what i have but i definitely have some sort of pelvic floor disorder going on and i was wondering if it's not just an option to never ever partake in any sort of vaginal penetration ever? everyone always acts like you HAVE to treat it by, you know, putting things in your vagina. but i am just not okay with that even remotely even a little bit ever at all. i would genuinely consider any kind of penetration to be sexual assault and would never ever consent to it, not even for medical purposes.

i tried pelvic floor therapy that involved "external" work like breathing & muscle exercises but it really felt like it wasn't helping and was so unjustifiably expensive that i honestly feel like i got scammed :/

i've even spoken to two separate sex therapists about it and all they did was tell me my feelings were valid but never actually offered any helpful insights or advice, leading me to believe they've never encountered anyone like me before, like i'm maybe the most uniquely messed up person in the world to the point that not even sex therapists—whose whole job (i perhaps falsely believed) is helping people with sexual issues—know what to do with me.

so what is someone like me supposed to do?

so before i say anything else, i do just want to offer a disclaimer that i am not a medical professional and everything i say should be taken with a grain of salt, everything im gonna be saying here is speculation based solely on the things youve said and my own personal experiences. i also want to add my generic "if youre in the united states, do everything through planned parenthood" advisory here, they have excellent service and idk how they vet their references but it's kept me from having bad experiences through them so far, so it seems to be working and i highly recommend going through them for anything sexual health related if you have the ability.

now, with that out of the way, on to some more specific advice. so firstly, no, you do not have to treat it. your body is yours and you choose what happens to it. however, that doesn't automatically make every choice a healthy one. you could choose to never brush your teeth or go to the dentist, and anyone who tried to pin you down and forcefully clean your teeth would in fact be assaulting you, but that wouldn't change the fact that we brush our teeth for a reason yknow? it's your body and your choice, and you are allowed to make unhealthy choices if you want, but you should be able to ackowledge them as what they are. and i understand penetration can be scary and hard, believe me, but there are genuine health reasons for doing so. pap smears are how they check for cervical cancer (i just got one done today!), and even outside of that there are things that can cause major problems if left unchecked. for instance vaginal atrophy can make the walls of the vaginal canal dry out and stick together, and if that happens for an extended time with nothing to separate them, those walls can then fuse to and grow into each other. in severe cases, the vaginal canal can fully seal shut, the worst case i read about was a woman in an old folks home who had atrophy from menopause and no sexual activity, so she only found out when the growing skin sealed her /urethra/ shut.

i'm not telling you these things to scare you, but just to hopefully give you some perspective on why medical professionals are so insistent about it. the purpose of invasive tests like pap smears is to prevent having to do much more invasive work down the line to fix things, like cancer treatments or surgically reopening your pee hole. and that's not to say if you don't try to treat yours, those will 100% happen, my point is that if youre not able to work through this fear, you simply won't be able to take those preventative measures. like i said, its your body and you choose what happens to it, but like. there is a legitimate reason for people wanting treatment for vaginismus beyond just sex, i know some people do come at it from an angle of "rrgh sex is what makes us human you must be able to have sex ragagagahg" which is obviously fucked up, but a lot of it does actually come from a place of genuine concern for your health. also, this is just a sidenote, but the breathing and muscle exercises /do/ help, however if youre unwilling to consent to penetration then they don't really have a way to check if it's working and give you pointers on which exercises would actually help you the most. obv you know your situation better than i do so use your best judgement as to whether other factors point to it being a scam, but as someone who's been through that therapy i can confirm that those steps are a normal part of the therapy for it and aren't useless. it's just that therapists can only really help as much as you let them.

and with that, i want to move on to something else, and i know i said this before but i want to reiterate that everything im about to say is entirely speculation. that being said, im getting the feeling that maybe youre not being entirely truthful with yourself about this. you say that you don't want penetration and would never consent, but youve visited multiple doctors about it and are now reaching out to me for answers too. im not sure if the reply i got on that post to a similar tune around the same time was also you or not, but if it was then you reached out through multiple channels as well. and to me, that says that maybe you /do/ actually want to try treating it, but are being held back by fear. whether that fear is due to the previous bad experiences youve had or something else in your past, i couldnt tell you, but given all of that and esp the "maybe i'm a uniquely messed up person" part, i get the feeling that youre not as ok with having it as youre saying you are, and as id wager you mightve told those sex therapists? like. that to me doesnt sound like the statement of someone who is content with the way their body is functioning. to me, it sounds like you are unhappy with having this disorder but your previous attempts to resolve it have stalled out or gotten you nowhere, so youve convinced yourself you're fine with it rather than risk another failure.

because here's the thing. im very careful when talking about this disorder publically not to say that it makes one broken or that sex is a necessary part of being human. and ive been paying closer attention to how misunderstandings like these happen lately, and ive noticed that you can usually learn a lot from people based on what they get defensive about; "if the shoe fits" is a saying for a reason, after all. so when people read my post simply offering resources to those struggling with treatment and come away from it hearing "you are broken and should fix this," it tells me that that interpretation was likely already in their mind before they started reading, that that was the lense they were already viewing my words through. so when they hit a part that seemingly confirmed it, they got defensive. and again, this is all 100% speculation, i know nothing about you beyond this ask and can't know if this is accurate or not. all I'm saying is like. really take some time to sit with your feelings about this disorder and assess if you genuinely are fine with having it. idk if this was included in the version you saw, but in one of the additions to that post i mentioned that like. for a long time i felt the same about my disorder, i'm transmasc so there was something validating about only being able to do sex like a gay man, of not physically having the vaginal option, but. after a while i realized that was just a bandaid for me, an excuse to be ok with it rather than an explanation. whether i wanted to do it "the girl way" or not, i didn't like not getting the choice.

and that's a theme ive actually seen repeated in the tags of that post a bit, ive gotten comments from quite a few ppl saying "i'm ace so this shouldnt matter to me. And Yet...👀" because. like. its your body!!! you want to feel like you have full control over it!!!! choosing not to have sex or not to allow penetration can feel fundamentally different than basically having it dangled in front of your face your whole life but just out of reach. like, there are a bunch of people out there getting treatment because of this post specifically so that they can be ace but Harder. so like. idk, i think what im trying to say it that like. you dont have to try to make yourself be ok with penetration for any reason if you dont want to. but to me it sounds like having the choice could being you peace. reading your ask back, i notice that you didn't actually say youre ok with having this, just that youre vehemently /not/ ok with penetration, and idk. to me that sounds less like peace with where youre at and more like fear. and i think dealing with that fear might get you much further in accepting this part of yourself if just trying to be ok with it on its own isnt getting you anywhere.

now, all of that aside, if that speculation is wrong and it is just outside pressure giving you conflict, that gets a bit more difficult and idk how helpful my advice here can be. my first thought would be to try reaching out to a regular therapist rather than specifically a sex therapist, that way if your aversion to it turns out to be like trauma related or smth, they could help you deal with it, whether by helping you unwind that aversion or by figuring out why external opinions are influencing your self-image so much. other than that, maybe just. try really driving home that its not the penetration aversion thats giving you problems, but your feelings /about/ the aversion? im not sure how you brought this up to them but therapists can sometimes do this thing where they latch on to one specific idea and ignore what youre actually telling them, so i can imagine them getting easily sidetracked into thinking the conflict was about the penetration itself so when you said you were ok with not doing it, they were like "oh! cool well problem solved then, they just needed validation that theyre allowed to not want sex!:))!!!!!" which. sucks massively that that can happen, but therapists are human too and are not immune to having their own internal biases. either way, unfortunately without knowing more about your specific situation+therapist experiences, i don't think i can offer much specific help? it could have just been issues with those specific therapists, or it could have been like with the breathing+muscle exercises where there was something more going on behind the scenes that you werent aware of, or it could be that your issues with this are entirely unrelated to sex which is why sex therapists werent able to help. i would encourage trying more therapists, but i also very very much understand the mental exhaustion involved with that whole process (currently procrastinating setting up my own therapy appointments because my last three have sucked, so seriously, i /very/ much get it kwbfksbfkd) so i get it if that advice rings hollow. i will say though, ive heard from a friend who's currently in therapy that good therapists will indeed ask follow up questions and actually dig up the part thats bugging you, whether you entirely want to give it up or not, but i don't know if that translates for sex therapists. i should hope so but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who knows. either way though, them not being able to help does not mean youre uniquely fucked up, it just means that they werent the therapists for you.

the only other idea i really have is to just like. maybe familiarize yourself with signs of cervical cancer? i know very little about it myself so i dont even know if there are other external signs, but id assume yes and that people dont just Randomly Drop Dead One Day. so i would research like. what pains to keep an eye out for, changes in urinary habits, things like that, bc if it were me i think that would probably help me feel better abt the whole situation would be knowing i had a backup for the medical aspect.

this got really long and idk if there's a tldr that could do it justice but i think if i had to condense all of this down i would say that no, you are not broken for having this disorder and you do not have to fix it if you don't want to, but i kinda get the feeling that you maybe do want to? however that is entirely a guess that could easily be wrong, so if it is, then i would reach out to a non-sex therapist, because either way it does sound like these feelings are effecting you negatively quite a bit. you deserve to genuinely feel happy with your body, not to feel like the most uniquely messed up person in the world, and a good therapist can help you get there regardless of where those feelings are coming from.

but yeah, i hope this is helpful in some way and that the speculation was ok, it just. really sounds to me like your feelings on this might be more complex than you're letting yourself feel. and i hope that in the event i am wrong, i offered enough possible alternatives to still be helpful 💕 best of luck

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[schizosupport]

Hi! I never send asks I'm sorry if this is weird or awkward? I'm just sitting in a mental health ward right now and trying to figure out whats going on.

So I've had mental health problems for a decade now but the past week is the first time my paranoia and things have ever gotten this bad, it felt like there were creatures? shadow people? in my apartment and i was only safe if i stayed totally still and silent cause then they couldnt hurt me, i kept seeing them out of the corner of my eyes, and it just wasnt safe to touch the floor or look in mirrors in the same way your brain wont let you touch a hot stove and no one seems to understand when i explain that its just not safe i cant do it and i cant explain. Is there a word for that? i dont understand any of this.

But it just kept getting worse and worse until my friend called the police on me and they took me to the hospital. ive calmed down now and realize it wasnt real but it FELT real and I feel like im going insane and don't know what to do, theyre saying its micropsychosis because of my bpd and because its supposedly bpd they dont know if they can help with meds but i dont feel like i can function like this, i know it gets bad again when im alone and i live alone and no one here seems to understand anything about psychosis at all, they keep giving me pamphlets on anxiety and breathing exercises (helpful but not what I need-what do i do when im seeing things? when something feels unsafe do i force myself to do it anyways as exposure therapy? or treat it like its real and try and calm down that way?) And basically i was wondering if you have any advice? or even reliable places to read more to learn about psychosis or micropsychosis or whatever this is? i just know its terrifying and im scared and dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it. Sorry this got so long!

Hi there!

It sounds like you had a really scary episode of paranoia, I'm sorry that happened to you! It's definitely recognizable to me as an experience, and I completely understand why you are scared of being that irrationally afraid again. It's very scary to lose control of your own mind in that way.

It always sucks when the MH professionals around you don't seem to quite understand your difficulty. While they may be right that this sounds like it could be an episode of "micro psychosis" that could be associated with bpd (or other disorders), that doesn't mean that it isn't a type of psychosis and that you can't benefit from resources geared more at that.

I would say about medication that the professionals may be reluctant around antipsychotic medication, because those are very side effect heavy medications, but if you continue to have experiences like this, it's not to say that it couldn't be worth it for you. Everyone responds very differently.

As for how to "deal with it" it's honestly very hard, especially in the beginning, and it's not something I can easily summarize in my current state and everyone is very different. But I think that trying to find things that make you feel more safe in the moment is important, even if it's "silly". Like for me, if I'm having a bad time when I'm going to sleep, I'll sleep with my lights on to avoid the worst of the paranoia. And I know some people have a teddy they consider protective, stuff like that. It might seem like "leaning into the crazy", but I don't personally think that it's harmful to use the "crazy" logic of these episodes to find a bit of comfort as well.

I hope that you can start to feel more safe.. and if this continues or gets worse I hope you can find some help from the professionals in your life.. otherwise I recommend looking for communities of others with similar experiences.

I hope this answer finds you well,

Glitch

[ddeadly-succubus]

Just answering the uid thing

A few of my family members and people ive known have grown up have had that happen, its very common. that happened to my nan and thats how my uncle was born, My aunts and my mums just fell straight out and they gave up on them entirely.

Most women ive known have switched to the arm implant but 2 of them had them ripping out of their skin and doctors wouldnt listen, and another ended up not being able to use their arm until it was removed because it was that painful

Im not trying to scare you, its just extremely common unless the people i know are unlucky or they all go to the same shit doctors

(which is a possibility, the medical services in my region (north of the uk) (especially in the past few years) has become one of the most underfunded and poor quality (+ dickhead doctors) in my entire country according to official report and personal experience

(80% of our resources have been cut since 2011)

the nhs is known to be the worst system in europe as it is, and in second to the usa for worst healthcare so take what i say with a pinch of salt because we're in war times right now)

You can find plenty of stories and information on reddit if you need help, it sounds bad but they can actually be a good resource for information if you need it or need to advocate for yourself.

Really? Everything I’ve read told me it would be difficult if not impossible for an iud to move during penetrative sex

[hughiecampbelle]

You’re doing ships!!!! That’s so cool!!!! Im a 20 year old bisexual woman, but I’d prefer to be shipped with a man? I’m studying biology right now and am hoping to go to veterinary school. I grew up on a dairy farm and love working in agriculture/livestock. I love history-specifically fashion and medical history-fantasy and horror. I’m usually very reserved and quiet, bordering on shy, but I’ve been told from the outside it comes across as aloof and bitchy. I also have a little bit of a problem with sounded super condescending 😬. Usually when I think something funny it comes out really mean, another reason I prefer to just not say anything. All of your writing is so good! You’re feeding the people truly and honestly!!!

Hi my love! I ship you with: Roman Roy!!!

He loves your attitude. Despite not meaning to, sometimes you can come off aloof and bitchy and that's exactly what he wants. He wants someone who's not interested in him at all. Of course you are, but you're so shy, it's hard to get it across. He loves to pine, to flirt, to make you blush. That's the kind of reaction he wants. Once you get more comfortable is when your relationship truly starts. He also loves that you have sense of humor. All of his jokes come off mean. He wants someone who will bite back at him, who will give him the same attitude that he gives. He never wants you to not make a joke because you're scared of coming across a certain way.

You love how compassionate he is. Of course Roman doesn't show that side having learned that that side of him shouldn't be shown, that he should be ruthless like his father wants. But you notice it. He's always asking how his siblings are, checking on them, especially Kendall. He cares so much deep down and worries about everyone and is constantly thinking about them. Rarely does he show this side, but when he does, it makes your heart melt. Deep down he's a very soft person who just wants everyone to be happy and safe.

Your relationship is complicated. Roman isn't a "normal" boyfriend. He needs lot of space. He questions why you're even with him, why you're interested in him, why don't you just leave him often. Every time you have to explain how much he means to you, how much you love him, all the good in him that he can't see. It's your voice against his fathers and his fathers is very loud, very prominent. He has to go slow with intimacy, even something as simple as hand holding. He flinches when you touch him without warning. It takes a lot of patience and care and talking through to be with him, but it's so worth it in the end.

Your first date is not really a date. He invites you to one of his fathers parties. You're not sure if it really is a date or as friends, but you go anyways. He brings you a drink and you talk and laugh and make fun of everyone. You spend the entire time together just the two of you at a table. By the end you have to ask him if this was a date, was it not. . . ? He's not sure either, not wanting to pressure you into a date if you don't want it to be. You decide then and there that it was a date and you wanted to on another one with him. He's shocked to say the least.

Relationship Headcanon: You and Roman watch a lot of horror movies. He's very vocal during them all, booing and throwing popcorn and yelling when there's a jump-scare. He's full of commentary, too, which you love. "Oh no I'm scared and alone and there's a killer after me. Better go to the basement where there are no exits and no weapons. Doy. Stupid fucking idiot". He always picks the worst ones and it's so much fun.

Thank you so much my love!!! Hope you like it! 💜💜💜

[yostresswritinggirl]

haha well i just wasn't interested in wanderer so i just bet my life on itto's banner to get her in the first pull

and whoops, thankfully i didn't spoil much abt it but im tired and stressed from exams so let me put it out by talking abt angst making them suffer again

so you know tighnari got struck by lightning by the balladeer in the 3.2 quest right? well assuming the reconciliation happened pre 3.2 then reader would perhaps join tighnari to help out beforehand, not knowing that fatui would come and show up

maybe it's because they noticed that lightning was about to struck so reader being the self sacrificial selfless person they are, quickly pushed him out of the way

unfortunately, their reaction wasn't fast enough or perhaps it's because they're a literal death magnet they were the victim of being struck by lightning instead

hoo boy, cyno would not be happy one bit when he finds out. the next time he sees that harbinger which fortunately won't happen it's on sight for real

although the injury they sustained wasn't the worst they've gotten before, but it was still pretty serious especially if they don't have a strong constitution so recovery wouldn't be fast

what would cyno feel? ashamed and blaming himself for not being there probably

some fluff to make it up, cyno would of course visit reader while they're recovering, just him staying by their side makes it so much better for them so they can for sure expect good sleeps coming

-cyno lovebot anon

Oh yeah that's fair, but even then, you'd rather have Itto over Wanderer? I mean no hate on the man (I actually have him) but Scara's exploring utility is a really good bonus - and nah it's fine, I actually already got spoiled of the cutscene already haha

I'm tired myself too so I'm not sure I'll be able to absorb all this angst properly but have you thought - near-death heart thing?? Imagine the dilemma he had when it happened? Because he can't leave his place to ensure the plan and he's so goddamn scared, antsy and anxious about what's it about?? All he knows is that it's in the direction of Pardis Dhyai

So when he found out that Tighnari and Traveler was there, he was thankfully relieved, however his anger is ten times worse. He was about to run off before Alhaitham held him back, telling him they have to focus on the plan (which would be when Nilou shows up, this is the scene where they recruit her btw) but the moment they ended the meeting, he's sprinting off to Pardis Dhyai

I can imagine Tighnari scolding them when the others leave, cradling them in his arms while on top of Karkata. But he's a bit teary-eyed because he's scared and worried for his friend too no matter how much of a pain in the ass they were, checking their breathing and holding them close since they're temporarily paralyzed, and also probably cuz they're also crying from the pain (he's super guilty so it's easy for him to feel like crying when he saw them cry)

When Cyno came over, it would be a joint crying session then cuz the emotions are tenfold, amplified. Tighnari would ask Cyno to bring them to Ghandarva Ville to get proper medical care since he still has to watch over Haypasia, so he would be staying over the whole night to tend to their needs before going to Sumeru City to carry on with the plan. "I'll make sure this stops once and for all, for you."

Now there's overprotective and soft Tighnari, doting Cyno - oh imagine how angry Tighnari would be when he found out the Sages are staying over at Avidya Forest. He's mean with his words, no filter, if he could use his ult at them he would have - sometimes he punches a tree before and after checking in on them so he can take his anger out, I just want Tighnari to go ape shit for once, and he would have done so to the Fatuus too of they hadn't died from the lightning already

Imagine how saltier he would be when he finds out the Sages barely got punished haha wow heart!Cyno's and Kintsugi!Scaramouche's lovers match hahahhaaha

[candyflossfairy]

i told myself when i made this account that i would be kinder to myself with what i post. it's my blog and i should be able to use it how i please even if not everyone wants to see it.

so, tw for depression, panic attacks, ptsd, dissociation under the cut. dont read it if you dont want to see it.

i have not been doing well, mentally. my ptsd has reared its ugly head once more and i honestly have no clue why. I've been having nightmares and dreams and I've been dissociating. i literally had a full on break down in front of my students on Saturday and had to be taken out of the room to be alone to which i had a full on panic attack afterwards. for the rest of work i was super out of it and couldn't make a single decision and i have never been more embarassed.

my husband says this is the worst he's ever seen me, and he's worried. i feel worse for making him worried and cry about it.

i just dont know what to do with myself. im taking my medication as prescribed and im even taking my anxiety medication now that's meant to just be as-needed. well, its been as-needed every fucking day lately.

now i have to go to work and deal with a bunch of kids without my coworker because her other job is tonight and im so scared im going to have another breakdown. i dont know what to do.

i jokingly asked her to cancel rehearsal, but we really need this time. she told me to just tell her if something happens and she needs to come.

but im like. not okay. and i dont know what to do.

[sleepyezzy]

huge ass vent that's kinda cringe lmao

today (yesterday, at the time of posting this) was a lot, sure. but you can't cry. crying is a privilege that you lost with age. you can't cry. you're not bleeding. no one died. you're supposed to be happier now, anyway. wasn't that what the medication was for? i still need it. stealing it from my dad isn't enough anymore. he's going to find out and you'll lose everything again. i can't fucking do this again. i could barely even do it the first time.

lunch was shit. the food was fine, i think. it was his stupid fucking movie he wanted me to watch. last time i indulge in any of his interests, that's for sure! how the fuck do you even manage to cover my ears so i can't take out the goddamn headphone? funny when you realize this is the same mf who hid in his sweater when i said something slightly sarcastically. pick a side, dude.

i like diet coke but only because it mimics the physical effects of a setraline overdose (at least for me. realistically i know it shouldn't do that but i don't mind. it's made things easier in regards to not having the meds anymore.)

i live in fear every day. i hear so many people say so many things and i might have heard the worst of it today. sure, it wasn't aimed at me, but it definitely made me think about and remember things that i didn't want to think about it remember. i barely remember any of the details so i don't even know why it even still hurts so much. and the one time i tried to tell someone, they didn't believe me BECAUSE i didn't want/know how to tell them. some people said i was mocking real people. i know what happened, i think, but every time another person says i'm lying to myself, i get scared. it happened years ago. what if i'm just recalling it wrong? what if i'm exaggerating it?

i genuinely can't fathom how anyone can stand being around me sometimes. every time i talk they either say im too loud or im too quiet. everything i like is childish. im rude and i all i talk about is myself and things i like. i act all self centered and confident and say things to boost my own ego that comes crashing down again with even the smallest jab anyway. the negative comments are so much more powerful than the positive because why would you take time out of your day to say that if you didn't truly believe it? with the positive things, people just like being happy. it could just be that. but people hate being upset at things, so taking time out of their day to express that hatred must mean that they really mean it.

i texted one of my friends for the first time in a month or so and she said she forgot about me. another friend deactivated their account, and i'm scared that they did something stupid and that it was my fault. and that's the problem. i'm selfish. i think everything must be about me.

this isn't even talking about the goddamn death threats i got on that one account. it was harmless fun and shouldn't have been problematic in any way. and i had to delete it because people saying they'd rape/sa or kill me was way too fucking much. and, of course, when i post something telling people to please not do that because i am a real person, i get an entire essay on why i should kill myself.

i honestly don't know why i even bother trying anymore.

[16pysche]

I can’t even lie to myself and say I don’t recall the last time I felt this type of bad. But I can. And they were the worst times of my life.

The first one I didn’t have anyone to go to for help and suffered in silence for years and years

The second time I wasn’t really performing the same actions that kept me “semi stable” enough to function in the eyes of others (I wasn’t self harming or B/P or fully starving myself) and I kept reaching out for help for no one to actually (who had power in my life) could help me.

In-between these events, a couple years had gone by. A lot happened. I was being sexually assaulted so much, more than I let myself fully comprehend. By people who didn’t care abt me at all, they just didn’t respect women. And some who claimed to be utterly in love with me. What a mind fuck.

I was in a severely abusive relationship that was so hard to end and so confusing. The more time goes by I realize why I loved him and why I had to numb that over in order to be safe and get away. I had been stupidly walking in a path away from all my real friends but that also kept me safe from him. I was seeing my grandparents who were basically my parents get so sick over and over again and developed so much intense anxiety around that. It worried me day and night and there was so little I could really do. I was so scared and alone in that. But before going off too much I was also very medically neglected, I was over medicated and was also just not able to receive help. I overdosed. Went to the mental hospital for a week and same thing abuse there

But the feelings and event that took place prior to that I feel like are happening again now

It’s the feeling of slipping and losing your place. Freaking out.

I can’t eat much, I’m afraid of food again I think. Also stress, my stomach doesn’t want it. I wanted to lose weight anyways but I just wish that this time around I was able to be healthy.

I am having ?? Delusions? I’m not really sure.

I’m also irrationally afraid or uncomfortable around/towards things that usually bring me immense amounts of comfort and joy.

I’m not talking about my real feelings and have not to anyone for a long time now.

Im not really doing anything for myself to actually be okay. Maybe resting, but that’s also just an escape. And it’s hard to wind down. I’m actually more so than ever really like am feeling slightly scared of my mind and self.

I’m trying so hard to be stable but I’m also around my mother who makes me severely unstable. I try to help her and help me so much I do. But I can’t keep lookin after her. Ifs killing me. I want to be free and I am so determined to be and do so. I’m gonna push harder than ever before. I won’t let this keep me. After this situation is set aside im really going keep things in motion. I’m going to do my best and my best is good enough. I will make it through. The steps are laid out in front of me. I’m sure I’ll it bumps on the way but the only way to survive is to break through and I have no choice but to do so.

Yet I’m still scared of me, I have to hold on to my future I guess to be okay. I don’t really know, but this is what I have.

[hxnbi]

HAYATO SUO knew something was wrong when he received that phone call. He reached for his cell phone and held it up to his ear, but no sound came from the other end.

“Hello? Hello? Y/n??”

“.....”

"Y/n I can't hear you, can you say that agai—"

His heart dipped, and he was left with nothing but the sounds of being drowned in his own panic.

Suo’s lips remained tightly shut when you said your first and only words to him that entire call before the line went dead and the call froze from the other end.

The voice that came from your end. Did he really hear that correctly...?

The sound of your voice—so lovely and melodious—disguised the hidden horror of what was truly going on behind the curtain.

“The ambulance— here!!”

"They're bleeding too much..."

“Start CPR ASAP!!”

Beads of cold sweat ran down Suo’s back.

‘No… that can’t be for you, right?’

The only words he could comprehend at that moment were the sirens of what he assumed to be an ambulance, and the dozens of bystanders, medical staff, and a man, screaming, yelling, and throwing a tantrum, being taken away from the other end of the phone.

Not even Suo's shaky hands could reach yours. The distance between you both was immeasurable.

That was the last and only time he picked up the phone from your number that day. And from the only time he did, when Suo clicked your ID and, in horror, saw the dozens of unanswered calls and several increasingly cryptic texts from hours ago, his heart sank.

He didn’t read or care about a damn one.

[Y/n]

Just left my house, I'll be there in 10!

Suo! When are you coming? I’m at the cafe!

Kotoha is wondering where you are too. Get here soon! Your food is getting cold

Hayato, it's been an hour, are you okay…?

I’m coming to Furin, I’ll be there in 30 minutes so don't move!

Hayato, are you nearby?

I feel like there's someone behind me but I don't wanna look back

I found a space to take cover for a bit, so im okay for now

I see his hair peering from outside the cafe

Can you come soon? I'm getting a little worried

The cafe is closing so I'm heading back home. I'm a bit scared but I've got it aha

Hayato, please answer me

I'm

[ unread ]

That final message from you was sent two hours ago.

…He forgot about you. 

Him. Hayato Suo, had let you down. 

And because of that, you were at the hospital.

Suo had mere seconds to steel himself, holding in the tears that would inevitably taint his perfect face if he considered the worst-case scenarios, but they came along anyway, swirling around like parasites in his mind. And why wouldn't they? For all he knew, you might not make it through the night.

And that... that clenched at his heart.

Your unconscious self, with wires, tubes, and bandages dangling from your beaten-up body. The steady beep of the heart monitor crossed the silence, and an IV drip was attached to your arm, slowly delivering the necessary fluids and medications. Your face—pale and peaceful—contrasted with the harsh reality of your condition and his own reality. 

“How… How could this have happened?”

It was a bitter feeling. Because he knew. He knew what had happened, but because of his own involvement, he refused to admit it.

You, the only one he would ever love in his life, lying on a hospital bed, with visible injuries from head to toe.

No words could ever describe the hurt he felt when he saw your fragile form. You were suffering, and he couldn’t even do anything about it.

He inwardly scoffed, a fleeting expression of frustration crossing his face. Did he even have a right to worry about you…? When he was the reason you were here in the first place?

He couldn’t protect you, all because of him.

Hayato Suo, he had let you down. Time and time again, for it wasn’t the first. He put Furin, he put himself, and worst of all, he put everything else over you. 

He should've known when you said you were heading out alone that day with a sorry expression. You never did end up reaching Bofurin’s building, and he had failed to ensure your safety as a result of his own stupidity. 

He could barely stand to know the cause of your injuries, because, in his mind, every one of them was his fault.

Each wound, each bruise, was a direct consequence of his failures to protect you—and his carelessness and his failure to shield you from the visible marks he left behind. The burden of his failure to be there for you when you needed him most was an ever-present reminder of the crushing shame he felt.

People have always called him a smart cookie. Someone who could easily solve any problem with that sharp mind of his. But what use was that when he couldn’t even see through the facade you were wearing that day…? 

His hand found the way to where his heart was positioned. He scratched at his chest and pounded at his ribcage. He wanted to find his heart. Scratch his heart out so he could also feel the pain that he unknowingly inflicted on you.

But you knew he wasn't honest with you, and for that, he only had himself to blame. Suo always appeared calm, happy, and seemingly pleasant... Because if he showed you the turmoil and anxiety he had hidden within him, what would happen to you?

But in his pursuit to protect you, all he did was hurt you beyond repair.

Suo was a person who kept everything to himself, and from that, he unintentionally distanced himself from everyone who called him a “friend.” And that included you as well. The times when he would listen to your ramblings and stories about your daily life, all while keeping his own behind closed doors.

Whether, in that equation, you held a higher standard didn’t matter anymore, because it wasn’t him that was in the hospital, fighting for their lives, but you. 

“I’m sorry…” you told him through the phone.

Those couldn’t be your final words to him… No, they can’t be. He refused to accept it. Not through the cold, mechanical sounds of a device, from your own mouth and voice. 

But perhaps he may never hear it again.

And he only had himself to blame.

©hxnbi. comments, reblogs, and likes are always appreciated ♡

banner creds go to @faintrustle

when i was getting down to writing a request the other day, i was, for some reason, super angst inspired and drafted up an entirely new prompt just for the hell of it. also wanted to ty out a new format for this one, so lmk what you think :)