#i am having a rough time. sorry for all the negative blogging the past few months.

[vanillabat99]

I think I might have another ulcer, since I'm experiencing the exact same thing as last time, however I refuse to spend my birthday in the hospital. I've been trying to ignore it for like a month now and I haven't been feeling worse, so hopefully waiting another week doesn't kill me!

I'm a little freaked out about it since if it is an ulcer, then I might have something a bit more serious going on. Last time we thought it was due to my painkillers, which I haven't taken since, so I have no idea what might be causing it this time. On top of all that, I'm likely going to have a lapse in insurance coverage and I have no idea how that would impact a sudden hospital trip. At the very least, my digestive system is fucked up 😔

[conjured-osteon]

Hiatus

{-Kicks rocks an mumble grumbles- I SWEAR this account was fully intended to have more activity but I'll be going on a Hiatus till further notice. If curious, I've added more under the cut but to keep it short'n'simple; Rough start to the year that only continued hasn't helped my creativity an instead stressed me out. (Triggers in the Tags, just in case.)}

{Starting this explanation on a softer note, I find myself having a hard time focusing on my lovely characters an this blog. Not to say I'm intending to get rid of it! But when you get nervous trying to reach out to others or don't get responded to it can be a bit disheartening an I never know what to do as a plan B. (Plus I know we all have lives outside of this. I'm just an unfortunately nervous person an sometimes the Logical Thinking gets bopped by the What If's) But I also have Bouncing Interests so at times my drive will go from full throttle to Zero without any warning because something else has gripped me like a vice.

I have been desperately wanting to work on the blog but as mentioned above, lack of interaction kills the motivation an leaves it kinda stressful cause I dunno what I can do to do better, especially when not wanting to be a pester or bother anyone. Otherwise I HAVE met some wonderful people who are a delight to chat/plot with and I am so, so, so sorry I've been inactive the past month :'D I take responsibility for that radio silence of mine.

And onto rougher notes... New Years Eve I had to say goodbye to my childhood dog. She lived a good, long life an it's still upsetting not seeing her around after nearly 15 years. Holidays already grate me so the addition only made it worse and then some other details surrounding it just, made it especially bitter for me. I've suffered depressing/anxiety fueling dreams involving her almost every night since. Following as a few days ago; one of my cats passed away. Another example of old age but losing a pet never comes any easier over the years.

Around December is when my mental state really started taking a nosedive, one I thought was going to be a temporary thing seeing as I was working odd hours for events from my usual shifts, not resting or eating properly Truth be told I'm bad at that in general bUT, grieving over the approaching vet visit on top of other stressors that came during the Holiday season. A part of the mindset I was thinking it would pass was due to the fact I don't register things that have happened/are happening immediately, an so I just guessed I was having one of my delayed responses from other things and handling present stress... Cept, it continued on in waves for several weeks in comparison to a day or two. Aaaand earlier today while I was working, I got so stuck in my own head, so tightly wound up by meaningless thoughts, arguments with not purpose and physically over stimulated into self directed aggression by getting MF'in' hiccups that I ended up reaching out to a Cr!s!s Hotline when I found I couldn't even make myself contact friends/family. My strongest Rational and Logical Thought was I needed to talk to someone before my predicament made itself truly hazardous. Immediately after, I called my partner so he'd be aware. I'm doing better at the current moment, quite chilled out actually an I fully intend to bring this all up with my Therapist this week.

I hate worrying others and I falter to express what's going on due to the always hovering thought of I'm just looking for attention, or I'll be ruining another person's day because I'm being a child. Something I've struggled with for a long time that I'm hoping-- Trying, very hard to work through.

Soooo yeah- I guess this is me saying I need to step back for my mental health. I'm still so bummed out by having to do this but I really, really want this to be a fun space I can look forward too at the end of my day without my own nagging negativities getting in the way of it.

DMs will continue to be open but I'll be much more MIA from here than I was prior, this time with reason behind it.}

[lokisprettygirl]

Hello, Misty!

How are things going? I apologise for not commenting to the recent updates; my mental health has reached a new low. My toxic parents made things worse at home, and my so-called bestfriend ghosted me for no apparent reason after I've done everything in my power for her. So I'm concentrating all of my energy on staying alive. I feel I am past the point of saving though.

Today is World Kindness Day, and you are one of the few people who have ever been kind to me. I just wanted you to know that I admire you, that you had an impact on my life, and that you're one of the sweetest and most kind individuals I've known. When nothing else in my life was consistent, it was only your fics. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had such nice people around me as you… I only ever feel loved or seen when I imagine myself in your fics. I'm grateful to have found you on Tumblr. You're a wonderful person, and I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you all the success and love in the world. Thank you for being so nice to me. You have no idea how much it means to me. 💕

Love you!

Baby my dear baby first of all I want to say sorry that you're going through such a rough situation at home and on top of it your friend is doing the opposite of what they should be doing right now but trust me when I say this and I'm saying this from experience..there's a saying - when the going gets tough the tough gets going, when you're thrown into a situation like this sometimes you're all alone and sometimes it's you who need to hold your own hand and carry yourself up because nobody else would do it for you.

I never want to hear from you that you're giving up because you can't, there will come a time in your life where you'll rise above all this and you'll be the stronger more determined version of yourself and that's when you will turn around you will see and appreciate how far you have come. Family can be extremely toxic and I get that it's not easy to cut them off, they are family but when you're in trouble and the person you called your best friend isn't there for you, you know what you have to do there, sometimes to get out of negativity you have to cut the source of it, some families are always toxic and they are always in our lives, the best we can do is maintain strict boundaries, as an Indian girl I know how hard it gets to be able to choose even simple basic things in life and like I said if you want to talk to me I'm all ears for you, sometimes sharing helps more than you think it would.

You have always been nothing but kind to me too and I'm always wanting to hear from you, I'm glad my fics brought you comfort but don't forget that I'm a human behind this blog, so never ever and I mean it, never ever hesitate to message me when you're feeling overwhelmed by such thoughts, maybe I can share my experiences and ease you, even if temporarily it matters and it helps. I love you my dear, never forget that you're cherished by someone even when sometimes it's really hard to believe in it ❤️❤️💚💚

[raspberry-pudding]

6/3/2024

It's been a very long time since I've posted. I just haven't thought about this account much over the past two-ish months.

I'm in a rough position. I mean, I don't know, I feel like it's rough but I know everything is gonna work out completely fine. Work has made me start smoking 4 joints a day, including smoking throughout my shift now. But I don't have to worry about that anymore because yesterday was my last day there. I've already been able to cut it back down to 2 joints a day, plus some of a bowl at bedtime.

More weed waffling below the cut, as always.

Honestly, I've been so distracted with work that I haven't noticed the negative impacts weed has had on me lately. Which, I don't like because it makes doing it feel more okay to me. If feel likes I'm smoking just to be okay with being alive and I'm sick of feeling that way. Not every day is like this, but the hard ones are.

Sorry if this post sounds a little groggy or weird in language, I've been up awhile and am drinking coffee, but my brain just still isn't here yet. I like writing things out in the morning, though, because it takes me away from accidentally getting stuck on my phone -- which has also been a terrible issue lately. Generally, I can keep myself away from my phone pretty easy because I don't like the notifications or being talked to. But I have been struggling a lot with not going on TikTok and Instagram, and the tendency to go on these apps increases when I'm stoned for sure. I can just zone out on the apps and not even realize what's happening until hours later -- I hate that shit.

I quit my job. Because I started doing a work from home job instead and it was going really great for a month. Until I was told that the company would no longer prioritize relocating me to new projects in the future. So, I could get more work in the future but it sounds unlikely. I quit my job so I could do this one more instead -- it used my degree, it paid well, I thought I was doing really well at it because all my feedback was good. But now, I don't have a job, and while my fiancé and I can live on his check fine, I really liked making money and having my own money to pay for student loans.

My fiancé tells me to look at it all as a blessing in disguise. I'll just say what my job was, why does it matter? I feel so paranoid about someone on here knowing who I am but this blog has literally been nothing but me speaking into the void. I worked at a Starbucks for the past 6 months and at first it was fantastic. I joined a new location and was able to get one on one training before the place opened, so I really got the recipes down and everything. But I stayed about 3 or 4 months longer than I really should have. I loved making drinks, I loved being with my coworkers, but what I didn't love was management and the fact that me and two other girls were always stuck doing everything in that place. I love my coworkers -- but damn, a lot of them did not do a single thing. I didn't even work as much as everyone else and the few days I did work I was carrying the whole weight of the place on my back. Sometimes I got stuck as the only person there and would jump between register, making drinks, making food, and doing prep all at the same time -- I'm so happy we didn't have a drive thru at this location. But I would literally do everything back there, and I think my breaking point was that my manager still acted like what I was doing wasn't enough for her. Not to mention, I'm not a person who has their phone out when they work and I got yelled at for handing someone my phone to watch one video I was talking about while I made the one and only drink order we had. Meanwhile, my coworkers are blatantly on TikTok behind the counter and they don't get anything said to them.

Fuck, this post about recovering from weed just turned into a waffle about my work. But this place is what's made my consumption so awful lately. I forgot the point too -- that maybe this is all a blessing in disguise for me. I was looking for any reason at all to quit. I was busting my ass every day I went in and the manager was starting to treat me like shit more and more -- like I can't do anything right and that I'm a new problem for her to conspire getting rid of. Which, she did with others, conspiring ways to make them quit or get fired and it kept working; and when her attitude with me started changing in this way I knew I was next anyway. I don't even understand why she keeps doing it; someone does something very little that she doesn't like and instead of talking to them, her and the assistant manager just conspire to get rid of them. Until we're short staffed as fuck -- we've been running on 6 employees per day at work when we should have double that because she keeps trying to get rid of people. But then she doesn't wanna hire anyone new because she doesn't want to train them. Well, me and my best friend quit on the same day so now they're so short staffed they have to hire people, because not enough people are there to give days off.

My fiancé has been tired of me coming home for lunch and just breaking down crying and screaming every day. And he's right about how a shitty, minimum wage ass job shouldn't leave me that way. Maybe the purpose of the other job was just to prove that I can find something better and a reason to get away from Starbucks. I really don't know the purpose of any of it right now.

I guess I'm just glad to be away from that place. I'm sad about it because I genuinely liked the work and my coworkers, but I didn't like getting stuck with every part of the job by myself only to get yelled at that I'm still not doing good enough. I guess it's easy to see why I started smoking at work and went up to 4 joints a day.

I really do think now that I'm away from that place, being able to get a handle of how much weed I'm smoking will improve. Like I said, I've already brought it back down to 2 joints a day. I also haven't been enjoying the way weed makes me feel lately, it's more like a headache than anything else. And of course, I think it's a big source of my laziness and procrastination that I used to not have at all before smoking.

I've tried this journey so many times, but I feel really good about this go around. I think I can really do good this time. I've waffled so long today. Thanks for listening.

Iris🪻

[fellthemarvelous]

Hello lovely mutual! I’m normally more of a lurker and not normally one to reach out to strangers, but I saw you’re recent post about having a bad anxiety day and decided to push back against my own anxiety a little. I, too, having being having a rough go of it lately. The racing, pounding heart, the spiraling negative thoughts, feeling like I don’t know or can’t trust my own mind. I see you, I get it.

And I wanted to reach out to tell you that your blog has brought me comfort these past couple weeks. Every time you post I’m like “omg yessss!!!” I came for the good omens, stayed for the politics, and definitely knew I was in the right place when I saw you share my love of Spike!

Anyway, to close out this wine drunk ramble, thanks for being brave enough to talk about your struggles. I wouldn’t wish those kinds of feelings on my worst enemy, but it does help a little to know that none of us are alone in this. I hope you get a reprieve soon. I’m rooting for you and I’m glad you exist!

I'm sorry you're having a rough go with anxiety lately as well! I am one of those people who always makes my situation worse because I avoid dealing with my problems by putting them off and leaving them for Future Me to deal with, which contributes to the self-loathing because of how angry I become with myself for losing the ability to function properly, but it's also how I learned how to cope with life as a small child. It's scary when you struggle to trust your own mind. I doubt myself all the time because of it. It's sad to realize just how many people struggle with these same problems but we all feel alone even though we aren't.

I'm really glad my blog brings you comfort and I hope it continues to do so!

Finding another Spike fan is such a joy!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!

He is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!!!! He brings me so much joy because he's so fucking fascinating and he had the mother of all redemption arcs. I could go on about him for HOURS!!!!!!!

James Marsters took that role, knowing they were going to kill Spike off a few episodes later, and said FUCK THIS by making the fans love him so much that they ended up having to add him on full-time in season four and then moving him over to Angel after Buffy ended.

Look at this soulless monster sobbing over the dead body of his mortal enemy that he fell in love with!! 😭

He watched Passions with Buffy's mom and babysat Buffy's sister. He mourned Joyce when she died and he let a god beat the ever-loving shit out of him just to protect Dawn and all of this was long before he even went and fought to have his soul returned to him.

I love the way that even after he was turned into a vampire, William never really left. Whatever demon took over his body inherited William's mommy issues and he still wrote poetry and took care of Drusilla after she was injured because he loved her so much.

I love the way that Spike went to Joyce after Drusilla dumped him because he needed someone to talk to and she gave him hot chocolate with the little marshmallows that he loved.

Buffy: My mom! Spike: OUR mom! Buffy: 😤

Angel was cursed with a soul but Spike fought for his because he was horrified by the monster he was.

Spike is a fucking icon and I will love him for the rest of my life.

My boy proved himself to Buffy and he became her biggest defender when all her friends turned against her. I LOVE HIM.

He sacrificed his life so Buffy could keep living hers. 😭

[djarrex]

Hi everyone, just wanted to address what happened last night along with some other things from before that all tie in together.

There’s multiple parts to the following post - please make sure you read all of it if you’re gonna take the time to even start.

It was midnight and y'all were still jumping in on anon and telling me how I'm awful for not commenting, owning up, or taking responsibility - I should have been in bed. I have a life and job outside this app; and with the several of you in my inbox and it being too late at night to address each, I’m gonna do it now. I can’t not say something about all of this. I just can’t keep quiet and ignore the problem - it’s not fair to you all. Deleting one post already has you guys even more riled up and all I wanted to do was offer something better than a “half-hearted apology” (it was very late at night when I wrote that very short apology, and wanted a redo tbh). 

I really didn't want to make a long post like this. I reached out to a select few on here because I care about them (there's more of you, but like I said, it was at the time after midnight and I was fucking exhausted). but I was being demanded for accountability. So here I am.

Allow me to be real with you all, if that's ok. If it's not, well, idk. First I wanna address all you anons, who, instead of speaking to me one on one about all this, want to criticize me and shame me and my writing when truthfully it feels like you haven't even read more than a handful of my work. I didn’t realize that I write the clones all the same way? That I always make them super aggressive and uncaring and dom? “you write every single clone as so dominant instead as unique individual men with their own personalities” Interesting. See, that right there tells me you haven't read nearly enough of my stuff for me to believe that's true. That's one accusation I absolutely will not back you on because I know it’s inaccurate - saying how I group the clones into some overly-aggressive, and uncaring category - that I always write all of them as mean in bed because they're men of color. And hey, if I do write rough smut - which yeah, it's out there and I write it, as do a lot of you - there are warnings at the beginning, aftercare, dialogue, reader sharing their feelings, and most importantly... consent between the two. That’s what warnings are for, so that you know what you’re going to be reading. That’s why I, as we all do, appreciate warnings listed at the tops of fics; honestly, write them sub or dom or switch or however you want but don’t come at me like that. I’m sorry if I'm coming across as rude because I'm usually not, I’m one of the nicest people you’ll meet, but I will not stand idly by while you chastise my writing (writing that is pretty much the same type of stuff a lot of you write & rb with the same characters) that you haven’t read enough of to back such claims.

Next: Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart,

I get it. Really, I do. I fully understand the problem of whitewashing in SW along with almost everywhere else, and I do not agree with it. It's a huge problem, and it needs to be rectified. Now just because I don't speak publicly about it and opt out of publicly shaming TBB, doesn't mean that I agree with what’s going on. Not everyone is comfortable with sharing their opinions on a subject, no matter what that subject is or which side they're on. You live and you learn when it comes to that. 

It has never been my intention to fetishize POC in my writing, which btw, the same people who are saying that it is my intention are the ones claiming I portray all of the clones as the same, aggressive men, lacking their individuality. It’s a claim that is simply not true, and I know I have followers on here to back me up on that. I know what I've written; how about you check it out and tell me that you don't see the words "soft" or "fluff" or "cuddling" or “gentle” or “tender” within my work linked in my ML. Clone character being a good partner and father? Tender love making? Holding each others faces in their hands? “We/you survived” sex? Taking care of their partner? Saying “I love you” to one another? Confirming the safe word and going slow at first? Oh my - riveting and harsh stuff - totally unacceptable.  

Now: My admittedly problematic writings of Rex + Zygerria,

I went into writing that rp fic totally unaware and unknowing of the true implications. For that, I sincerely apologize. When I posted the NSFW alphabet, that’s when I was called out on that rp fic - not when I first posted it. Which the timeline doesn’t matter, I know that, but it concerns me a little bit that no one spoke up about it sooner - letting me dig myself deeper into a hole that I didn’t realize I was inside of in the first place. I've apologized once, and I know that doesn't negate what happened; I acknowledged my mistake back then, but I suppose that wasn’t good enough. I had asked you, anon, to message me to give me guidance, to teach me on what to do about the fic - you stayed hidden. Well, respectfully, what the fuck? I know we're all adults but don't lecture me and avoid me when I’d literally reached out for guidance on how to properly rectify the issue. I fixed my wording in some of my fics (the things I’ve caught upon rereading them) because I recognized and more importantly learned about and from my mistakes along with the unintentional negative implications of how I wrote those characters. Some of y'all wanna tell me that I "haven't learned"? Who are you, my personal blog police? My professor? My life coach? Are you even my friend? If I'm wrong and haven't learned, then fucking educate me. I worked hard on that rp fic, just like I do with a majority of what I write, but it doesn’t matter because I will delete it knowing that it’s harmful to others and I apologize for inadvertently romanticizing slavery with what I wrote - it was unintentional, and I’m truly sorry to those who have been hurt by it. I know it’s wrong, and there’s no proper excuse for it. Can’t go back in time, but consider it gone now.

Since that first wakeup call, I’ve been working hard to ensure I avoid using certain words and ideas when describing the clones in my fics. If there’s still something you see that isn’t correct or is inappropriate, please tell me! Don’t hold it in but then jump on the “attack M” bandwagon. Private message me, or come peacefully off or on anon, there will be no hard feelings. I don’t mind being corrected when I make a mistake - that’s just part of life, we all make mistakes and we live and learn from them. Making mistakes doesn’t = scumbag human. When you hold your breath and choose not to take the time to guide me, and if I appear to still be making the same mistakes, well, idk. I’m telling you right now that I do not mind if you message me with the good intention of pushing me in the right direction. When you come at me with hostility on anon, well, no thank you. To the anons that came without rage: thank you! I read what you wrote, and I have a better understanding as to how my writing had hurt the lovely followers of mine, and tried to address as much as possible in this post. See, angry mob anons? It costs zero credits to be kind and offer up your thoughts and advice with a good heart. I’m not going to hate you or block you if you try to correct me. I don’t block unless you’re a snoopin’ minor. Just don’t hold a knife to my throat.

Now: Why did I delete the tags and then my response to that anon ask? 

Simply put: I felt awful. Deleting it doesn’t immediately mean I’m hiding from it and ignoring the issue. I wanted to come up with a better apology, explanation, whatever you wanna call it, because my followers deserve that. The ones who enjoy my work, the ones who interact, the ones who I call my friends, the ones who know that I’m a good person. Didn’t want to leave the tags/post floating around all night, giving more people time to sharpen their pitchforks and join the mob while I attempted to sleep. Trust me, I know saying that I had no ill intentions when tagging that post doesn’t make it better nor does it make it go away. I’m just trying to show you my point of view, that I knew immediately how I should not have tagged it that way, so that’s why I deleted them. I corrected my mistake. But y’all are too fucking quick I swear.

One more thing:

I know some of you who had called me out with the passive-aggressive inbox messages are still following me, and for what? You don’t like what I post, which is why one would follow another in the first place, so why bother sticking around? Do you feel like you need to police my blog? You want to be there the literal minute I make a mistake? I’m gonna turn off anon for a bit, so if you wanna discuss, message me. Just know that if you’re going to come at me with knives out, I probably won’t reply to you. 

To conclude:

I’m sorry. Truly sorry for the entire Rex + Zygerria outfit + slaver ordeal with both the fic from a while ago and then the tags from last night. We can’t go back in time; the only option is to correct past mistakes that are able to be corrected, and then move on with new knowledge that’ll aid in me working even harder to ensure my writing isn’t inappropriate or offensive, and doesn’t hurt my followers nor the characters I write for. I’m still going to write self-indulgent filth and fluff, post-order 66 Rex, and other misc shit. I enjoy writing fanfic, as I know a lot of you enjoy reading what I write and love to talk to me about it. I hope that this didn’t come off as me being a bitch, because I’m really not. I enjoy interacting with the handful of people on here that I’d call my friends, and I love reading your reactions and tags to my fics when you’re excited and/or horny (LOL). It’s just after lunch time where I’m at, so I hope you have a great rest of the day/night/morning whatever for wherever you are.  

<3 

M

[jalapeno-princess]

Angel of Mine

College Boyfriend Mark X Reader

Genre: FLUFFIEST OF FLUFF, Doting boyfriend Mark that we all deserve

Word Count: 4.5K

Summary: You and your boyfriend Mark are cuddled up in your bed watching a movie when you are reminded that you have an essay due in a couple of hours that you haven’t even started on. Before you can completely break down, your boyfriend comes to your rescue and offers to write your paper for you. It’s in the moments of watching him so focused, typing away at your laptop do you realize how lucky you are to have Mark as a boyfriend.

A/N: Hey guys! So it’s the beginning of midterms here in Hawaii and i’ve already cried seven times I am not kidding you I have two semesters left of college and this is the hardest it’s ever been. I wrote this imagine for shits and giggles; i’ve never had a boyfriend before (HAHAHAHA CRIES IN FILIPINO AND KOREAN) so I wouldn’t know if there are guys out there who are actually like this (If you are, God bless you) (and if your boyfriend is like this, MARRY HIM) I actually watched a tiktok post on instagram right after I finished this where this girl said she was doing her boyfriend’s homework because he was stressed or whatever and if that isn’t couple goals than I don’t know what is (btw I do not condone having someone else do your homework) (especially if you force them to do it because you don’t want to it’s your responsibility and your education, but if they offer...it’s a different story) (LOL) anyways, enough of me blabbering, please enjoy reading while I cry in a corner.

“Remind me how I got myself in this situation again?” Your boyfriend gave you a knowing look and you couldn’t stop yourself from letting out a faint giggle at the sight of his furrowed brows.

“Because you love me.” He playfully rolled his eyes and continued typing away at your computer.

“Yeah, sometimes a little too much. But if I remember correctly, you promised to suck me off once I’m finished writing this damn thing, so don’t think I’m going to forget our agreement babe.”

To say you were a procrastinator would be the understatement of the year. Just a few hours ago, you and Mark were comfortably cuddled up together in bed while you both watched the live action version of Mulan. When your boyfriend excused himself to go use the bathroom, you decided to scroll through your Instagram while waiting.

After looking at a couple of posts from some of your friends and family, you were curious as to what everyone was doing and you found yourself going through some of their stories. Finals were less than two weeks away, so you were used to seeing your friends post pictures of them working their many assignments or studying for exams.

What you weren’t expecting to see was one of your classmate’s working on an essay for your English class that was apparently due in less than four hours. Only then did it hit you; you had yet to write the paper and it was worth 20% of your grade. For weeks, you told yourself you were going to start on it and when it was first assigned over two months ago, you thought you had all the time in the world.

Two months went by quicker than you could even fathom and you were frustrated with yourself for not writing it down on your calendar or completing it earlier. You practically ran over to your laptop and began looking up the rubric to see how your professor wanted you to write your essay and you could feel your heart sink to your stomach as soon as you read the requirements.

Mark was confused when he saw you no longer lying in the bed; the two of you decided to have a lazy day indoors and you’ve only left the bed twice to use the bathroom and to get something to snack on. This past week has been extremely rough on your mind and your body; so when you told Mark you had no intention on doing anything other than laying in bed and watching movies, he knew to trust your words.

“Baby, what are you doing?”

Your flustered expression only made him even more curious as to what could have happened in the few minutes he was in the bathroom for. You bit your bottom lip in frustration; knowing how Mark could be whenever it came to your education, you were afraid he was going to be upset once he found out you had only a few hours to write your essay. Since you were too much in shock to respond to him, he took matters in to his own hands and looked at your computer screen.

“Wait—I remember you mentioning this essay a couple of weeks ago—eight pages?! Six educational sources—and it’s due by 11:59 P.M. tonight—y/n what the hell?!”

This wasn’t the first time you waited till right before your assignment was due to start working on it. Matter a fact, most of your important assignments; research papers, group projects, essays and online tests were completed on the day they were due. Sometimes it was on purpose; you felt as if some of your best work were the ones you’d work on right before you were supposed to turn it in. You knew it had a lot to do with the fact that you felt pressured to do better knowing you had a time limit; but most of the time you were just lazy and didn’t want to do any work at all.

You and Mark knew about each and every single thing there is to know about one another. He knew of each and every beauty mark on your body and where it was located, he memorized all your aunt’s, uncle’s and cousin’s names, he knew the exact shade of blue that you claimed was your favorite color and he knew how you liked your tea in the morning.

The only thing he had no control over, was the way you handled your education. Mark thought the entire world of you; he believed you were the most hardworking, courageous, determined, generous and golden-hearted person he had the amazing pleasure of knowing. And he wasn’t being biased because you were his girlfriend, but you were the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen before. In his eyes, you were flawless; you could do no wrong—well; the only problem Mark really had whenever it came to you was the fact that you didn’t know how to prioritize your responsibilities.

After what happened to you right around the time you were introduced to one another, Mark would’ve thought that your mindset and outlook on how you managed everything going on in your life would change. He knew you were capable of great things; when you put your mind to it, you could finish any task that you were given and you were great with multitasking. Mark saw how much time, persistence and effort you would put in to your job or whenever you’d lend a hand to anyone who needed assistance; he admired your work ethic and how passionate you could get when it came to the people and things that you loved.

It was just harder for you to put time in to your essays, journals, blogs or reading the books your professors would assign. School was never something you ever really cared for; it wasn’t like you were really learning anything anyway. For years, you tried your best in being good at all subjects. You’d stay up studying for hours on end only to not retain any information that you learned and it wasn’t entirely your fault. The educational system was just fucked. In this generation, it isn’t even about learning anything; the main focus is turning in assignments on time.

The professors could give less of a shit whether or not you understand any of the material being taught. During your relationship, Mark tried his best to motivate you and even bribed you with food and kisses. He even offered to make flashcards for you if that meant you’d have an easier time studying, but nothing ever worked.

As much as he wanted you to be successful with your education, especially because he genuinely loved attending school, he knew not to force anything on you and making matters worse. This time was different though; this class was one you were already having a hard time with and this essay in particular would determine whether or not you pass or fail by the end of the semester. Your boyfriend tried his best to hide his disappointment, but it was only natural for him to be upset. Attending college was not cheap at all.

He was completely aware of the thousands of dollars you had to fund on your own because your parents weren’t able to help you financially as much as they wish they could. Since he was extremely supportive of you and each and every single one of your endeavors, he even helped pay for quite a bit of your tuition which you haven’t completely forgave him for, but you both showed him and told him on a daily basis how grateful you were that he did such a thing; and that he never fails to take care of you in ways you didn’t think you deserved.

A part of him wanted to continue his poor attempt at scolding you, but as soon as he saw tears building up at the brim of your eyelids, all his anger and frustration dissipated. If there was anything Mark hated, it was seeing you cry. The reason behind your tears didn’t matter; it just broke his heart knowing you were sad and right now, he pushed the idea of your procrastination to the back of his mind. He motioned for you to stand up and kissed both your cheeks to get rid of any trace of tears. Then, he pulled you in to his embrace and placed his chin on the top of your head before he comfortingly ran his hands up and down your back.

“I’m so sorry Mark—I’m sure you’re upset with me and you have every right to be—I’m so stupid—“ if this were under different circumstances, the cheeky pinch on your butt would’ve earned your boyfriend a punch to the shoulder, but you knew this was his way to stop you from degrading yourself. Before you could ever say anything negative about yourself, Mark would try and divert your attention away from bad mouthing yourself.

Although you and Mark were together for three years now and you knew he was the man you planned on spending the rest of your life with, there was an annoying voice in your head that would remind you almost every single day that you didn’t deserve him. He’s sacrificed so much for you and you knew it was because he loved you; but you never understood why. You weren’t anything special; sure, you loved him with every fiber of your being and you knew he was well aware of that. Yet, you knew he deserved so much more but there was no way you’d ever be able to let him go. Not when he was the one who saved your life all those years ago. The only person who meant anything to you.

As much as you loved your family and your friends, nobody could ever compare or mean as much to you. Nobody could ever be as important as Mark was. He was the only person you were sure you would die from heartbreak if you were to lose him. It was selfish of you to continue dragging him down with you and your toxic ways, but you needed Mark; you’d be nothing without him. He was your own personal guardian angel sent to change your life entirely for the better. He was the only good thing going for you and with the way he treated you as if you were the most fragile and rarest jewel in the world, you knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

“You’re not stupid baby—a little irresponsible and careless, but not at all stupid. Hmph, I’ll tell you what, seeing as how I’m better when it comes to writing essays, let me handle it this time.”

“No, there’s no way in hell I’m going to let you do this assignment for me Mark, I’d rather take the F—“ the soft kiss he placed on the corner of your lips made it aware that Mark meant business. Whenever he’d say something, he meant it. However, you refused to allow him to work on something you kept pushing back for months. Your essay was your full responsibility and it wouldn’t be fair for your boyfriend to have to write something he didn’t benefit from in such a small amount of time. God, he really did love you.

“The more time you spend trying to talk me out of helping you when I already made my mind up, the less time I’ll have to work on this paper. I don’t want you stressing over this; you’re already so worn-out as it is. This’ll be a piece of cake babe—you just sit on the bed and look pretty while I get started.”

Mark had to be a figment of your imagination. There was no way someone as thoughtful, kind-hearted, selfless and caring as him could exist. Most people would groan at the idea of having to do more work and if it were anyone else, you were sure you would’ve gotten a completely different reaction. You were quick to pull him in to a tight hug and left multiple chaste kisses all across of his face.

“I love you—more than I can ever fathom in to words Mark Tuan. You don’t understand how much this means to me—I’ll do anything you ask of me. Ugh, I will never get over how amazing you are and I could never thank you enough for all that you do for me.” He cupped your cheek and placed a wet kiss on your jaw.

“Anything huh? Maybe you could do some loads of my laundry, but that’s pretty much it—oh. I um—maybe you could—ah never mind.” You looked at him in curiosity and giggled when you saw the apples of his cheeks grow pink with embarrassment. Whatever he was probably referring to had to be something he was shy about. Your boyfriend was the definition of an introvert and he had a hard time asking people questions or even favors; this sometimes also included you. If you wanted to know what was on his mind, you’d have to pry it out of him.

“What is it babe?” He gave you the most adorable shrug and nibbled on his bottom lip as he began to look everywhere around the room but at you.

“Don’t feel as if you have to do this for me, I really don’t expect anything from you, but I wouldn’t mind a blow job if you’re up for it later.” One thing you loved the most about Mark, was how gentle and awkward he would get whenever it came to initiating sex or insinuating that he wanted a sexual favor from you. It was cute, yet it also turned you on for some reason. Maybe it was because he’d act totally innocent and submissive since he never wanted you to feel uncomfortable and he preferred to take things at your pace; but once the two of you actually made love, his attitude would take a 360 degree turn.

Sex with Mark was your favorite past time; he could get very naughty and rough in bed, but he could also take things slow and sensually. It really depended on the mood, but your boyfriend was an extremely generous and passionate lover. He knew what you liked, what positions you enjoyed the most, how to lick, bite and suck on all your sensitive body parts in order to elicit any kind of needy reaction out of you. It really boggled your mind that someone like Mark—someone so perfect without a flaw at all actually existed and what was harder to believe was that you were the lucky girl who was extremely blessed to call him yours.

That was something you would never take for granted; nor did you think you would ever get used to having him in your life. You seductively made your way on to his lap and began leaving sloppy kisses against his nape. This beautiful man sitting in front of you was willing to do your homework in order to prevent you from having a mental breakdown. He was willing to sacrifice his time to work on an assignment that wasn’t his responsibility to take care of just so that you didn’t have to suffer. Honestly, what world war did you fight and win in your past life to be the one that receives Mark’s love every single day? Whatever it is that you did to be able to call Mark your boyfriend, you would do it again and again if it meant having him in each and every single lifetime.

“Fuck—babe—as good as that feels, I only have three hours—y/n—you know, I’m actually thinking about taking you on your offer—just settle for the F and I’ll get settled in between your pretty thighs—“ you couldn’t help but stifle back a giggle once you heard the soft whine fall from his lips after you got up from off his lap, but he was right. He was already doing your homework for you, the least you could do was sit on the side and prevent yourself from bothering him.

“Oh yeah—you’re definitely taking me down your throat as soon as I turn in this paper. Now do as I said and sit down on the bed. Your presence alone is such a distraction and fuck—I’ve been hard since this morning when you walked out in my shirt. Damnit y/n—I really want to have my way with you right now. Please use this experience for future reference. I can’t believe I’m being cockblocked by a research paper of all things.”

You watched as Mark quickly skimmed through the rubric; you knew your boyfriend wanted to make sure he understood the material before typing out a bunch of nonsense. The last thing he needed was to spend all this time and effort looking for resources, citing them and looking for both spelling and grammatical errors only to earn you a bad grade. If Mark wasn’t there and you just so happened to find out about the essay, you wouldn’t have even attempted to write anything.

Your mindset in college was that if it seemed impossible, you would just give up on it entirely. Mark’s mindset however, was more realistic and you wished you had the motivation and enthusiasm that seemed to live in his bloodstream. Watching him so focused as he typed away like nothing was such an inspiring sight. English was one of your boyfriend’s favorite subjects; he loved reading all kinds of books—from murder mystery to comics and romance novels, Mark always preferred reading over watching a movie or television shows.

But, if there was anything he enjoyed more than reading, it was writing. Normally, the day his professor would assign him an essay, proposal, research paper or journal entry was the same day he would complete it and turn it it. There had to be something wrong with him. What person in their right mind genuinely enjoyed writing thousands of words, making sure there weren’t any errors and that the paper in its entirety actually made sense? You knew not to bother him, but you couldn’t help staring at him in all his handsome glory. His brows were furrowed and he began biting his lip in concentration; you didn’t think it was possible for someone to look like a model straight from an ad or a magazine while typing out an English paper.

“Can I get you something to eat or drink babe?” He quickly shook his head in disagreement without even looking up—he was too focused in whatever it was he could be typing.

“I think I need a couple of kisses though, you know—to help me reenergize.” You playfully rolled your eyes at his cheeky request before getting up and placing a few soft kisses against his mouth.

“So how’s it coming out?” He scrunched his nose before giving you a slight shrug.

“If I’m being honest, this probably isn’t my best work, but I’m sure it’s fine. I’m almost done by the way—so I’ll have you look it over to make sure it’s to your liking and then you can turn it in. Maybe you should start preparing your gratuity and tie your hair up. Might as well take your pants off while you’re at it—ow! I’d be careful if I were you baby. I might just replace your name with mine and confuse the shit out of your professor—yeah, that’s what I thought. Now, be a good girl and return back to bed.”

As much as you wanted to continue messing around with him; only because you were enjoying how demanding he would get when he was under stress, you knew better than to distract him. You decided to find something else to occupy yourself with as Mark returned to typing profusely at your laptop. It was extremely fascinating how he didn’t even take a second to think about what to write. The words seemed to just flow out of his brain like it was the easiest thing in the world and you were growing envious of his ability to come out with such quality and detailed work in such a small amount of time.

Around twenty minutes later, Mark let out a sigh of relief and brought his hands behind his back—a sign that he was finally finished. He motioned for you to walk over to your desk and had you sit on his lap. Out of habit, he snaked his arms around your waist and placed his chin on your shoulder; wanting to be as close to you as possible.

“Ten pages, twelve sources and it’s only 9:15. Tell me what you think baby.”

Right as you finished reading just the first paragraph alone, you were at a loss for words. Even if you were to start writing this paper when you first received the assignment from your professor, you were sure nothing you could write would be at least half as amazing as this paper was. It wasn’t repetitive—nor did he use nonsense words or anything you were sure you probably would have added in. He put all his sources in alphabetical order and inserted page numbers at the bottom of each page.

You could see why Mark’s previous English professor had asked him on multiple occasions to be her TA. The word brilliant wasn’t even enough to describe the kind of student Mark was. For someone who never really cared about reading English papers; whether it was an assignment for class, or when you had to give constructive criticism on one of your fellow classmate’s work, you would always skim through their essays—but you found yourself reading each and every single word Mark had typed out. His essay had you hooked; it was one of those writings that you were sure anyone would actually enjoy having to read. How was he able to finish all of that so quickly? By the end of it, you were in tears and you didn’t even realize you were crying until you felt Mark giggle in to your neck.

“Why are you crying Bub? I don’t think what I’ve written is at all that depressing. I literally wrote about biodegradation and how to save the earth—“

You didn’t give him any chance to continue his explanation as you roughly smashed your lips against his. Mark did so many things for you on a daily basis. He didn’t have to say he loved you for you to know that he did—his actions spoke for him. Knowing how most guys could be, you were sure no boyfriend would waste his time completing an assignment, especially one so time consuming needed all your knowledge and effort—for his girlfriend.

College was rough on everyone; so to take on something you thought was extremely difficult in order to prevent you from stressing out more than you already were—it made tears fall from the brim of your eyelids. You continued your ministrations, licking his lips and bringing both the bottom and the top in between your teeth before sucking on his tongue. Feeling him hum in to your mouth sent warmth to your core. In your relationship, you were the more extroverted and talkative one. You could go on and on about any subject you were passionate about.

However, just like Mark; you were more about actions than words—mainly because you felt like there weren’t enough words in the English dictionary to actually form sentences that would describe just how much you loved Mark wholeheartedly and exactly what he meant to you. When you felt his excitement press up against your ass, you knew what was right about to happen; but you wanted him to know verbally how grateful you were for him before showing him physically.

“Fuck—how did you—what kind of drug are you on Mark? That was one of the best essays I’ve ever read. There’s no way my professor is going to believe I wrote that. This is honors worthy—you’re—I can’t even find a word good enough to describe you. Otherworldly? Wonderful? Perfect? I love you so much Mark. Fuck, do I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don’t know what I did to have you in my life, but I would do it again and again to have you forever. I know you hate when I say this, but it’s the truth baby—I really don’t deserve you. Thank you, not just for typing this essay—fuck I still can’t even process this entire situation you need to sign up for scholarships or some shit you are so fucking intelligent and such a hardworking student. But—thank you for loving me. You really are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am forever grateful for whoever it was that decided to bless me with you as my soulmate. I love you Mark Tuan.” His wide grin and the way he looked at you so adoringly made your heart melt.

“I’d do anything for you—you know that baby. It’s just—seeing you so distressed—so frustrated and unhappy with school, watching you overwork yourself to the bone—it fucking sucks. Especially when I see you beating yourself up over grades you have no control over. I know you try your best in every single thing that you do and I know that it’s easy to forget some important things and fall behind, but I will always be there to catch you—and to assure you that everything is going to be okay. You’re my person y/n—it’s my life duty to take care of you. However—don’t get used to this baby, as much as I love you—trust me—I love you with every breath I take and with every beat of my heart—but shit, that was rough. Oh—and I never want to hear you say you don’t deserve me ever again. You take care of me just as much as I take care of you. It’s a team effort babe. Now, with that being said, you caused a big problem in my pants over half an hour ago and I think it’s time that you solved it.”

[askcharaandfriends]

lets say for some reason the afac tumblr blog show up what reaction ould thay have?

Like everyone from the AFAC blog?? All at once? Well we have a crossover planned but I think *everyone* going over at once would break something. So here's some hypothetical meet up responses based on what I think the characters would do. F[person] is from AFAC. C[person] is from ACAF. F for Frisk. C for Chara. This hypothetical interaction takes place post memelord. This is also assuming Frisk is a little more mellow now and not about to cause trouble immediately but still not fully "reformed" but people are hypothetically chill with them.

F. Frisk: Hello new world! It's good to be here! I wonder what other me is like this time!? I hope they're nice! I bet they're nice!

C. Frisk (appearing in front of them): What are you and why do you look like me but alive and so... sunshiny...

F. Frisk: ooo you're a ghost?? So you died? I'm so sorry! But how does it feel? Is it weird being a ghost? Are you doing ok? Did you ever think about becoming a Skeleton monster? My friend Chara was a ghost and then they became a Skeleton monster! Maybe you can do that!!

C Frisk: (sarcastically) ooo you're human?? So you're alive? I'm so sorry! But how does it feel? Is it weird being made of flesh? Are you doing ok? Did you ever think about dying? Did you consider eating a pie of buttercups?This is you. This is how you sound. Do you think before you speak?

F. Frisk: Oh.... so it's that kind of world, huh? One where I'm in Chara's place and Chara is in my place? Kinda... swapped or something?

C.Frisk: What are you talking about?

F. Frisk: I don't think I can tell you because spoilers, but just know everything will be ok! It'll all work out! Oh! And if Chara makes you a strawberry ghost cake, you should eat it because they worked really hard on it!

C. Frisk: thanks???

***

F. Chara: You're alive? Ok... [thinking] (I wonder if it's like that one time or something else... awe man, I hope I wasn't rude just now. I would find that very rude and make a sarcastic comment. I hope they are not as like me as they look... for multiple reasons)

C. Chara: Um well, greetings. Welcome to this world? [Looks at the Frisks, then looks back at F. Chara] So, your Frisk is alive but you are a Skeleton and you were surprised that I was alive. I'm just guessing here, but I think maybe you're like switched with Frisk or something?

F. Chara [relieved]: or something eh heh...

C. Chara: judging by the fact that you're a Skeleton and not trying to um... hurt people I'm guessing you've gone through some character arcs and now you're cool? Please be cool. My Frisk just did this um... possession thing?? But there were like memes or something and a rainbow dance??? And it was cool but also weird. You're not going to do that here, right? (Though I guess you can't because you're not a ghost anymore... )

F. Chara [cringing from their past]: no. I promise to be good.

C. Chara: oh! Ok cool! We're cool then! Would you... like to see my chocolate stash? It's all magic chocolate, so you shouldn't have a problem with it.

F. Chara [finally relaxing into themselves]: is that even a question? =)

C. Chara: =)

***

F. Papyrus: Greetings! I am the Great Papyrus! You also Look like Papyrus! Is that true? Are you another Papyrus?

C. Papyrus: i am. though maybe not as great. you look good Papyrus. you seem happy.

F. Papyrus: I am! Lots of good things have happened to me in my world! I made lots of friends! I have a boyfriend! I am captain of the royal guard!

C. Papyrus: is that so? sounds nice! you've really got it figured out, huh? i'm happy for you. [He is sincere, but a little sadness creeps in]

F. Papyrus: Thank you Papyrus! But um... are you doing ok? I know I, the Great Papyrus can go with very little sleep sometimes, but you seem like you have gone a very long time with very little sleep. I am sure, as Papyrus, you can handle it. But even Papyrus's need rest sometimes.

C. Papyrus: you know me too well, Papyrus. i do have trouble sleeping at night sometimes. but i try to make up for it by napping.

F. Papyrus: Egad! A Papyrus, Napping! It's worse than I feared! You, Papyrus, and I, Papyrus are going off to have a "self care day"! Literally because we are caring for our "selves"! Nyeh heh heh!

C. Papyrus: good one, Papyrus. ok. you know what, yes. i will take you up on that "self" care day.

F. Papyrus: That's the spirit, Papyrus! You are looking better already! Nyeh heh heh! [F. Papyrus scoops C. Papyrus up and runs off]

***

C. Sans: There they go... Looks like fun! Do you wanna do that too?

F. Sans: nah. let's just... hang out for a sec. so, you're me, huh? i heard there was a lot of us out there- many much Sansi. how do you feel about that? knowing that there are so many other versions of "you?" not knowing which one is the "real" you. realizing you might not be the best version of "you." that you could even be one of the worst-

C. Sans: Hold on there, pal. Your spiraling in negativity. This is also "me" you're talking about, you know? You're going to hurt my feelings.

F. Sans: oh! um... sorry. i didn't mean it like that. it's just weird to think about i guess.

C. Sans: It's ok, Buddy. I'm thinking maybe you have your reasons for thinking like that. Some bad things that happened in the past, like what happened to my brother. He gets like this sometimes. I will tell you what I tell him: Sometimes bad thoughts come because of what happened and that's ok- normal even. Having bad thoughts doesn't make you a bad person. Just don't dwell on those thoughts too long. When you realize you are having bad thoughts you should take a step back and examine them. Then shoo them away with thoughts about things you like: your brother, for example.

F Sans: that's... really good advice. thanks, me.

C Sans: No problemo, amigo. We're both pretty Sansational after all!

F Sans: eeyyyy! [Finger guns]

C Sans: Eeyyy! [Finger guns]

***

F Gaster: I have seen many Gasters from my time in the void (and one in person). They varied vastly in form and personality. You however, look a lot like me except...

C Gaster: i am a ghost in a cloak? yes... i see your Hermann is like this as well. so you experimented on your own wife?

F Gaster: Did you have to say it like that? I was desperate!

C Gaster (in a more informal accent): relax, mate. i was only jokin'. i would do the same thin' in your place. ( i mean i am you after all, ain't i?) i already forgave my wife for what she did to me, so i'm not about to give ya a 'ard time. it must've been rough, imagining livin' without her. you did what made sense, even if it didn't make sense. does that make sense?

F Gaster: um...

C Gaster: brilliant! how about i make you some orange tea? i know i like that.

F Gaster: I did, but I had a rather unfortunate accident involving said tea, and I haven't liked it very much since.

C Gaster: let me guess, piranhas?

F Gaster: How did you know??

C Gaster [nods sagely]: my Hermann had the same exact problem not too long ago, except our piranhas are fond of lemons. hate oranges though. maybe you should try orange tea again, if you are going to be staying a while- just in case.

F Gaster [thinking of the lemonade he had earlier]: Yes ok, let's try it then.

C Gaster: Great! you can give me your insight on my latest scifi idea! i'm thinking it will be a buddy comedy about this one guy and his doppelganger from another universe and their hilarious hijinks and misadventures!

F Gaster [nervously]: Greeeaaat...

***

F Hermann: Ok, Ok, So you're like me, but like a science nerd like mí amore, sí?

C Hermann: Cierto. I guess you are an author/ comedian like my husband? However... he writes scifi. If I was an author, my preferred genre to write would be...

F Hermann: ;3

C Herman: Mira a tú cara! It is that, isn't it?!

F Herman: ;3

C Herman: nice. Podemos leer eso? -3- you did bring some of your books, didn't you?

F Hermann: I thought you would never ask. I have a few of my favorites in my phone's box .

C Hermann: vamos a mí cuarto. Just so we can talk about it without...

F Hermann: of course. Let's go.

***

[I hope my spanish was good. That's all I will do for now. It was a lot of writing, but it was fun]

[avis-writeshq]

Can you write a song fic? Do you do those? With Oikawa based on the song Ours by Taylor Swift? Love your blog btw!

Oikawa Tooru x Reader: Ours

Requested: Yep, by anon!

Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x Fem!Reader

Summary: Elevator buttons and morning air, sometimes people suck. But when there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (cough, Oikawa), you can’t help but keep moving.

Warnings: Fluff, small angst if you look carefully, trash writing

Other: I loooooovveeee this song! It’s basically a baby ‘Lover’ aw! Thanks for the request anon!

Word count: 1,647                                                                                            

 Things you probably wanna know, for all you ‘x reader’ illiterates:

Y/N: Your Name

(H/C): Hair Colour / Color

(E/C): Eye Colour / Color

(N/N): Nickname

***

 You shuffled awkwardly into the tiny gap in the elevator, clutching your brief case tightly. You silently cursed the chatty café worker who tried to get you to buy 3 banana breads when you only wanted 1. You glanced around though your peripheral vision; you knew all these people. The janitor in the corner and the annoying office lady who always has a little lipstick on her teeth… even the frustrating office prankster who worked in the stall right next to you. And yet… you didn’t know their names. You would’ve thought that after 2 years of working in the same company you would get used to your colleagues, right?

 Wrong.

 You closed your eyes tightly, waiting to reach the 42nd floor. You needed to get through the day. Well, unless one of your co-workers decided to test your patience.

 Patience… how could a random annoying person test your patience? Honestly, you probably dealt with the worst. A fond smile drifted onto your face at the thought. At least he genuinely apologised when he annoyed you.

 The soft ding of the elevator brought you out of your reverie. You tried to take a step forward, only to be pushed over by the rest of the people who were once occupying the elevator.

 “H-hey!” You yelped, dropping your case to the floor despite the iron-grip you had on it. “Friggin hell…”

 Apparently respect is an uncommon thing around here. You let out a soft sigh, “Tooru… when you get back, you owe me chocolate and a Disney marathon.”

 With that, you walked over to your little stall and dropped the case to the floor. Turning your computer on, you couldn’t help but stare at the desktop image. It was a selfie of you and Oikawa. He was doing a peace sign at the camera while pressing a kiss to your cheek. You shook your head. Come on, focus.

 Oikawa is in America; being in the National Volleyball tournament was his dream. And this was your dream job. Yeah… what a lie.

 Your lunch break took way longer to come than expected. You fished out your store-bought salad and headed to the staff room. There were a few other staff members inside – a lot of the others preferred to go out for lunch instead of staying in the drab office.

 “Hey, isn’t that L/N Y/N?”

 Your name caught your attention and you listened into the conversation.

 “Why is she working here while her boyfriend is all the way in America? Isn’t she scared of him finding someone better?”

 Well, they weren’t being subtle about their rudeness. But the truth is, you were scared, even if it was just a little bit. You didn’t want to be, you trusted him, but there was a small nagging doubt in the back of your head. You knew what Tooru would say if he heard what you were thinking.

 “You know you’re better than them,” he told you once when you finally drew out the confidence to tell you how you felt. “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind. I’m yours. Forever and always.”

 The day seemed to go on and on, but then the clock hit 5 o’clock and you bolted out of the office building. Finally! You got out of that cramped little stall. You let out a long sigh as you boarded the train, scrolling through your social media.

 “So… you’re Oikawa’s little toy, huh?”

 You froze at the icy tone of the woman next to you. She was, for lack of better words, completely and utterly gorgeous. Her ruby painted lips and her large hoop earrings, as well as her long platinum hair, gave her a superior vibe and you shuffled awkwardly at her words. Toy?

 “What are you-”

 “Oh? Tooru didn’t mention me?” A sickly sweet smile stretched across her face. “I am Tachibana Reina.” She looked you up and down, her smile quickly replaced with a scowl. “I wonder why Oikawa went for the likes of you.”

 You said nothing, thinking of another comeback. No matter how hard you tried, she had a point. There was nothing that special to you. The only thing you were ‘known for’ was your crazy dance moves – and you swore everyone who witnessed that to secrecy. You shook your head mentally. You can’t think like that. You shouldn’t care about what people have to say about you and Tooru. After all, he was your boyfriend. He was yours, not anyone else’s and he was like a loyal puppy. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you and you probably trusted him more than you trust yourself.

 “Maybe because I’m real,” you answered backhandedly.

 “What did you say?!” Whoop, she’s angry now.

 You shrug casually, getting up just as the train stopped. “Well, it was nice talking to you. See you never.” And with a smile and a wave, you hopped off the train.

 ***

“Hey!”

 The tired man on the other side of the screen smiled at your energetic form. “Hello, my love.”

 You grin, “Are you tired? Sorry, it must be really early there…”

 “I was just about to do my morning run,” Oikawa hummed letting out a yawn. “It’s nice to know that my lovely girlfriend is thinking about me. Well? How was your day?”

 “The usual,” you shrugged. “Was shoved over in the elevator, had a bunch of office ladies gossip about me behind my back, the works. Oh, but I did manage to flip off one of your crazy exes so that was nice.”

 He snorted, but a glimmer of concern was in his eyes. “Did they say anything?”

 “Well, your lovely ex, Tachibana I think her last name was, decided to shoot some insightful words to me,” you rolled your eyes. “I’m fine though, no biggie.”

 Oikawa gazed at you through the screen and a charming smile lit up his features. “You’re perfect, Y/N-chan~. Don’t listen to them, okay?”

 “I haven’t been for the past 5 years, thanks for noticing. Now go do your run dummy.”

 “I’m coming home tonight~ see you later!”

 And after pressing the big red button and putting your phone on charge, you slowly drifted to sleep.

 ***

Life seemed to hate you. Eh, you were used to it by now. The elevator was packed again today, and you did your best to push your way through. And… you got hit in the face with a briefcase, someone spilled coffee on your white shirt, and you almost landed flat on your face when someone ‘accidentally’ tripped you over. You groaned, reminding yourself to take the stairs next time, even if you have to walk up 42 floors and die halfway.

 And the whole day went the same. You had to deal with the same old shenanigans. People talking behind your back, the random paper aeroplanes that missed your head by an inch, that 1 staff member who liked to steal people’s food even though it was clearly labelled… man, you better get that dumb promotion or you were so out of there.

 5 o’clock seemed to never come as you stared blankly at your computer screen. ‘Woah, Tooru is in another magazine. Good job, babe, if you don’t treat me to chocolate, yaint seeing a camera ever again.’ You thought to yourself, spooning another spoon of yogurt into your mouth.

 “So… when is Oikawa coming back?” A haughty voice questioned from behind you in fake sympathy.

 Your eyebrow twitched in annoyance. “Why would you like to know?”

 “It must be hard… long-distance relationships are the worst.” She smirked at you.

 “It’s not as bad as people make it out to be. I trust him.” A soft smile graced your features and the woman scoffed, flicking her hair over her shoulder and leaving you to your peace.

 ***

So, according to Miyagi Airlines, Tooru’s flight would arrive at 5:30, which allowed you more than enough time to scoot your butt to the airport. You let out a sigh, scrolling through the pictures on your phone as you sat in the train. Reminiscing the times during High School seemed to be the best thing you could have done and you felt all the negative emotions that you built through the day seemed to evaporate. All the memories of the old volleyball team at Aoba Josai, meeting Tooru for the first time in your first year… yeah, those were the best times. You smiled wistfully at your phone. Damn, you couldn’t wait to bury him alive in hugs and kisses.

 As soon as the train came to a stop, you ran out through the doors and scoured the airport for the America-to-Japan flight. Aha, bridge 8.

 And that’s where you saw him. Glasses on his gorgeous tired face, his chocolate brown locks messy and tousled like always… you swore you fell in love all over again. And then, he saw you. His once tired expression was replaced with a bright smile that shone like a thousand stars. As he dropped his backpack to a random chair, you threw your briefcase to the side before wrapping your arms around him.

 He buried his head into your shoulder, peppering light kisses against your neck as he did so.

 “I missed you.” He murmured, tangling his long fingers into your hair as he pressed his lips to yours.

 You smiled into the kiss, whispering against his lips, “I missed you, too.”

 And the smiles and laughs that overtook your features were bright and loud, despite the small tears that pricked in your eyes that he gently wiped away.

 “You owe me a Disney marathon,” you said, as he picked his suitcase up from the baggage claim.

 “Yeah, I had a feeling,” he grinned, entwining his fingers with yours.

 You smiled, squeezing his hand lightly. You could get used to this.

 [The stakes are high. The water’s rough. But this love is ours.]

Copyright Disclaimer:

All characters except for the reader and my OC’s (listedbelow) are the work of Haruichi Furudate(古館春一).This is not part of the canon work by any means. I do not claim ownership overthe characters or the Haikyuu storyline and plot. Without Furudate Sensei’swork, myself as well as many other writers are unable to create these stories.

 My OC’s:

Fukuhara Aneko(福原あねこ)

Hasegawa Sakura (長谷川さくら)

Emiko Etsudo (えつどうえみこ)

Tachibana Reina (橘れいな)

[gra-sonas]

Hi! Can I just say that the thing I'm most thankful for today is you and your blog. It's literally the onlu tumblr I check every single day without fail & especially in times of turmoil your positivity just brings this peace. I'll be the 1st to admit that I'm not a fan of CAM, to say that I've disliked her since TVD is putting it mildly, but I just came from another blog and saw all these posts listing her faults. I know she's not perfect and I don't even like her but those posts weighed me down

2 so I just went back to your blog to reread all your positive response and I just wanted to say thank you. I didn't even expect to feel bad bec of criticism of CAM bec they were very valid points. But hammering it out after all these time is just heavy om the heart. I feel like what we need to do now is to move forward and heal and put her behind us. So I'm looking forward to any positive feeling or thoughts you'll be willing to share with us. You are a force of good and I'm sending you love

Goodness, I’ve received so much love yesterday, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed that this continues. 😳Your message made me smile tho, and I thank you for your kind words, nonnie! It makes me happy to know that my blog brings you some comfort. ❤️❤️❤️

Ngl, we’ve had a bit of a rough year. First the S1 finale debacle, then a very long hiatus that left the fandom fractured, followed by a rather underwhelming season 2 - it’s no surprise that there’s currently a lot of bitterness being voiced, especially since CAM contributed in different, and sometimes quite significant ways to what’s upset people. Believe me, I too am still bitter about quite a few things.

But I don’t want to let that bitterness consume me, I don’t want to dwell on it, especially now, when there’s a clean cut and a somewhat promising future on the horizon. 

For my own peace of mind, I want to focus on positivity, the possibilities, and all the things I LOVE about the show and its characters. Because there’s still so much I love about RNM (the reason why I’m still here, even tho I didn’t watch S2). S3 won’t be on our screens for another year, and I’d rather try and enjoy the time as much as I can (I don’t want another hellatus...).

I got a lot of asks the night when news broke that she’d leave the show (more than 50 👀), and quite a few of them pointed out negative things about her, listed rumors about her behavior (some dating back to times prior to RNM), mentioned rude comments she’s made, stuff like that. And I’m okay with people sending me these kinds of asks (I get it, sometimes it just feels good to blow off steam). 

I didn’t publish them tho, bc like you, the negativity tends to weigh me down, and I don’t want to amplify it.

Tbh, I’m just really tired of being weighed down by negativity. The show did that to me for the longest time (especially the last couple of months), and CAM definitely did play her part in that. But she’s gone now, and I’m more than ready to move on. 

There’s nothing we can change about the past 2 seasons, none of the mistakes or writing choices that were made can be undone. Canon is what it is (minus that scene, I refuse to acknowledge its existence), and I more than understand that not everyone’s ready to move on yet, that some of that bitterness has to get out first, be discussed and maybe rehashed a couple more times - all in order to eventually let it go. 

I want to focus on the good things from now on tho. I want to fangirl, read fic,  write fic (haha, as if my muse would let me 😒DEAR MUSE, I HAVE A BIG BANG TO WRITE, PLS DON’T MAKE IT SO HARD FOR ME), make gifs, perhaps rewatch some S1 scenes. I want to swoon over Tyler, laugh at Vlamis, slowly get excited about S3 around the time they return to Santa Fe - just nurture the little seed of hope that things will be better next season.

I really do feel a lot more hopeful now. I’m not as anxious anymore, I don’t dread thinking about the future of the show like I used to. I’m well aware that even with a new show runner things can go sideways. Chris Hollier isn’t some savior who’s gonna magically fix all past mistakes and will never make any of his own.

He just seems a little less unpredictable, a little less “vindictive”, and a lot less thriving on misery, all things I appreciate. He’s also not constantly on social media to either “spy” on what fans are talking about, or barging in to “correct” us when we supposedly focus on the “wrong” things.

We may have lost the hot wire connection to the show runner, but imo that can be an advantage. I’m sure regardless of him not monitoring fan activity on Twitter and Tumblr 24/7, Chris is well aware of how important Malex are to fans, and he knows how important they are to Tyler and Vlamis. I believe he also knows about all the grievances fans have regarding making PoC the villains, mistreating Maria, sidelining characters, and so on.

He doesn’t have to be on social media to be aware of these things (many of the RNM writers are on social media, it would be a miracle if they didn’t talk about stuff like that in the writers room), and I hope he’s gonna fix some of the more glaring issues, and hopefully he’ll refrain from fucking up Malex (I believe they are in good hands with him tho).

Anyway, this got long and super rambly. Sorry, must’ve been something in the water this morning xD 

Here’s to a mostly enjoyable hiatus, what I can do to make it a little more silly and fun, I’ll do. ✨💚👽

[marshmallowgoop]

Brand New Animal...

So, the last few episodes of BNA: Brand New Animal dropped on Netflix Japan last week. I was initially really hyped for this anime—I devoted several hours of my life to translating and summarizing the Winter 2020 Otomedia interview concerning it—so I intended to write a lot more about the series, especially upon a wider release.

But having now seen every episode, this is another Kiznaiver and Darling in the Franxx for me. There’s a lot of potential, and I was incredibly invested at the start, but the narrative quickly goes directions and makes decisions that don’t sit well with me at all.

For those interested in BNA, my (mostly?) spoiler-free opinion is that it’s visually beautiful (especially in regards to its colors), but the story feels scattered, and there’s so little time devoted to positive interactions among the leads that their friendships fall flat. Further, speaking as a very character-oriented person, I finished this anime annoyed at the entire main cast. Their growth comes across as dissatisfying and undeserved.

Of course, it is more than worth noting that my understanding of Brand New Animal is indeed limited at this point; I don’t have much of a grasp on Japanese, there are no official English translations yet, and I watched with Japanese subtitles. (At least until episode 12. While there are thankfully subtitles available now, there weren’t when I watched, which is a huge disappointment in terms of accessibility.)

I recognize that my feelings may very well change if I have a better sense of everything that’s being said. But given what I do know, I—at least at the moment—have no desire to rewatch this series. I’m always open to requests to talk about BNA, but I don’t think I’ll be blogging much about it otherwise.

All that said, I do want to share some spoiler thoughts under the cut. As my sister noted, I am “very upset about this furry anime.”

First things first: I cannot stand Nazuna. I’m sorry. I think it’d probably be too much to say that she soured the whole show for me, but she definitely comes close.

Now, I got a (minor) degree in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies, so, yes, I can’t help but wonder if my strong negative feelings are related to sexism. Would I feel so strongly if there were a man in Nazuna’s place? There’s been a lot of investigating myself these last few days, let me tell you.

Still, I can’t say I know the answers. But I do have some Thoughts that are maybe best illustrated with another anime I’ve started watching lately: My Hero Academia.

Do note that I’m only on Season 2, but there are also characters I strongly dislike so far in My Hero—characters who are arguably much worse than Nazuna, as far as their actions and behavior go. Bakugo is an angry, abusive bully, while Mineta sexually harasses women. I hate both of them, but—especially regarding Bakugo—it’s a different kind of hate than what I feel for Nazuna.

Why? Well, I won’t deny the possibility that sexism plays a role, but there’s also a profound difference in how these characters are treated by their stories. Bakugo initially gets away with his bad attitude, but upon coming to high school, he’s a pariah. He’s called out for being a jerk, time and time again. Mineta, similarly, is not adored for his actions. These aren’t nice dudes, and the narrative makes this point clear. Regarding Bakugo, I hate him, but it’s not exactly a bad kind of hate. Because I hate him, I’m rooting even harder for Deku to prove him wrong.

But what about Nazuna? She pretends to be another culture’s god, but much of BNA seems dedicated to treating her as a poor victim who was manipulated into manipulating others and needs to be rescued. While Nazuna’s situation is indeed a frightening one that I don’t at all intend to make light of, episode 6 makes abundantly clear that this girl adores masquerading as a goddess and fails to see any moral problem in tricking thousands of people into believing that she’s their savior.

And that, to me, is absolutely horrendous. Nazuna is not in kindergarten. She is not a small child still in the preoperational stage of development. She is an older teenager. I find it disconcerting to paint her as someone in a rough place who was simply desperate for love when she pointedly relishes her false godhood because it makes her feel like an idol. That is so unbelievably gross and disrespectful.

Of course, Nazuna truly doesn’t see what she’s doing as wrong, and I recognize that she is young. In the end, as I hope the Bakugo example highlights, my issues are really less about Nazuna herself and more about how she’s written and depicted. Just as there’s nothing inherently despicable about portraying a smug, selfish teenage boy in a cartoon, there’s nothing inherently despicable about portraying a smug, selfish teenage girl in another cartoon. But while Deku and Bakugo were also past friends just as Michiru and Nazuna, Deku never defends Bakugo’s awful behavior as Michiru does for Nazuna.

And that bothers me. Michiru—our protagonist and so the person viewers are pushed to empathize most with—never really seems to grasp just how disgusting Nazuna’s actions are. More importantly, neither does Nazuna herself. She’s instantly forgiven, and her dream comes true seemingly without any apology or understanding of wrong whatsoever.

Brand New Animal is filled to the brim with social commentary, but one message that stood out to me actually has nothing to do with the human/animal-human conflict. It’s instead that this cute girl never has to face the consequences of her actions because she’s cute.

I know, I know. This is some pretty over-the-top negativity. But I was so excited for this series. Especially considering the ending conflict around being “mixed” and “purebred,” I felt like BNA was an opportunity for writer Kazuki Nakashima to more thoroughly explore concepts he wanted to examine in Kill la Kill but didn’t because a talking outfit just ain’t gonna garner the same amount of sympathy as cute animal-humans. With my recent(ish) Wolf Children posting in mind, I also love that Brand New Animal ultimately pushes for diversity instead of away from it as I feel that film does, even if there are some... unfortunate implications along the way (that I don’t know if I’m personally capable of analyzing).

But 12 episodes simply couldn’t do this show justice. I’m supposed to care for a girl who calls being an animal-human a “disease” and never seems to really reconcile with how messed up that is? I’m supposed to care for a man who dismembers others in the name of “honor” and never seems to really reconcile with how messed up that is? I’m supposed to hope that two friends/lovers get back together when one is rude and dismissive towards the other for the majority of the show, and the other idolizes her and overlooks her truly terrible misdeeds?

Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe I missed something (or a lot of things). But there is so much here that gets resolved too quickly or never receives the full exploration it deserves. As I said in the start, characters fall flat, their friendships fall flatter, and any good themes or messages that I do recognize in the series hardly impact me because the rushed development of the players soured my positive feelings for them.

I would have loved to see Michiru acknowledge that she’s in love with someone who does bad things. I would have loved a heart-to-heart where she admits this to Shirou, where he then admits that in his long life, there have been times when he’s been in the same boat. I would have loved to see Nazuna truly question her actions, where her declaration that she’s Nazuna instead of a cult leader actually means something because she’s recognized that she’s been wrong and is ready to be loved for herself, not someone she’s not. I would have loved to see a moment where Michiru expresses to Shirou that he shouldn’t control his violent tendencies for her approval but because it’s simply the right thing to do. The list goes on and on.

At the end of the day, I can admit my own garbage tastes. Bakugo is apparently the most popular My Hero character, and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else express such a harsh opinion regarding Nazuna’s portrayal in BNA. Episode 5 of the show (with the baseball) seems to be its most adored entry, but I thought little of it. My favorite things in anime—and what I’m specifically looking forward to in Studio Trigger anime—are maybe anomalies.

But, gosh. I really wanted to love this.

[let-it-raines]

Catch Me If You Can (13/?)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch. 

But then he came back and won the World Series.

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now. 

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

A/n: I obviously can’t make it through an entire MC story without changing the aesthetic I made at the beginning. Oh well. Happy Monday! Here are new words! As always, the MVP trophy goes to @resident-of-storybrooke for reading through all of these words ⚾️ 

AO3: Beginning | Current

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-/-

Killian Jones keeps hazelnut coffee creamer in the refrigerator of his apartment for her.

She made one comment about it, about how that’s how she likes her coffee, and the next time that she showed up to his apartment, it was there, waiting for her. He didn’t tell her, didn’t make a big deal about it or point it out to her. It was simply there waiting to be used sitting in the fridge in a spot that she knows he carefully cleaned out just for her.

It’s the smallest thing, nothing really, but it’s so damn considerate that it made her heart swell.

He does that to her.

She’s not used to people doing small things like that for her, but Killian is always doing little things like that.

And it’s not what she should be thinking as she watches him throw out his forty-second pitch of the game against Blue Jays, but it is.

Honestly, though, she’s either going to think about the fact that he really listens to her when she talks, or she’s going to think about the clench of his heavily stubbled jaw, the way that his hair falls messily over his forehead, the way his sea-blue eyes turn dark as night, and the muscles in his biceps as his fingers moved swiftly against her center as he made her come undone on top of the leather of his couch with Black Sails playing in the background.

Killian’s voice had gotten gravely as he spoke to her, dirty whispers and encouragements, and every bit of her body felt electrified. She was so ready, so damn desperate to have the rough pads of his fingers moving against her, to have his delicate touch teasing her breasts, and to have his lips attached to her neck as he thrust into her in easy motions that her mind has been conjuring up for a few weeks now.

She wants to fuck her boyfriend and feel the heat of him covering every inch of her.

And they can’t seem to find the time.

Granted, it’s only been six days since they pretty much dry humped – and a little bit more – on his couch, but it’s felt like so much longer. Killian got called away to practice, and that seems to be all that he’s done since. They had the series against the Sox, which Al seemed to really be stressing about more than usual, and despite the fact that they won the series and are currently number one in the league, the entire team seems to be on edge.

And, honestly, she can tell that it’s having a negative impact on the team considering how badly they are losing this game right now.

“I’m pretty sure Jones has a hickey on his collarbone,” Ruby speaks into her earpiece, and Emma is so damn glad that she’s not on camera right now for the way that she knows blush is painting her cheeks.

Jeff rolls his eyes from where he’s sitting next to her, the camera turned off and resting by his feet, but he’s very obviously still got his own earpiece in.

“I don’t think so, Rubes.”

“No, no, I think it is. It might be an old one. Do you think he has a new girlfriend? Or maybe just an overly enthusiastic one-night-stand?”

New girlfriend, yes.

But Ruby doesn’t know that. And she can’t. Not quite yet. And not over a system where several people can listen to their conversation, Walsh included. David decided that he’d fly several people to Toronto for this series as some kind of practice run and learning experience for what games are like on the road, and she absolutely cannot wait until they get to go home so that she’s not around all of these people this often.

Ruby, Jeff, and David – absolutely fine. Walsh – not fine at all.

He’s still got such a stick up his ass, and she prefers not to see his face. He’s the one who broke her heart, who betrayed their relationship, but sometimes he acts like she’s the one who ended them and cheated on him.

Definitely not.

Asshole.

“That’s really not our business,” she sighs, sinking a little further into her seat as her eyes scan over the field. It’s surprisingly cool outside today, and she’s really regretting wearing a dress instead of her jeans when her favorite pair is sitting inside of her hotel room.

“It’s kind of our business.”

“You’re just nosy,” Emma laughs, wishing she could change the subject. “Technically, our job is to only cover how these guys play, but it does help to know about their personal lives. If Killian has a new girlfriend, I’m sure it’ll be discovered soon enough. He’s never exactly been private in the past.”

Okay, harsh, Emma, she thinks to herself. She knows that she’s trying to cover a lie, but damn.

“Maybe he’s changed his ways.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Is this what you guys always talk about when you’re supposed to be working?” David asks, his voice coming in loud and clear over her earpiece.

“Yes,” Jeff mutters next to her, and she reaches over to slap his shoulder as Killian throws another ball. “They are the height of professionalism.”

“Jeff, if you’re finally going to speak, maybe don’t rat us out.”

“Maybe I don’t speak because you two never give me a chance.”

“Damn,” Emma mutters, winking at Jeff, “who knew you were going to be like that? And David, these games are very long, and I work for so little of them. Of course we talk. I hate my road trips where I’m by myself sometimes. That’s usually when I go bug the players in the dugout.”

“That makes it sound like I need to see if I can find more things for you to do. Maybe we can get you to commentate on a game.”

“Hell yes,” she says a little too loudly, the people around her looking at her like she just committed murder or something. “Can you really do that?”

“I can talk to a few people. I can’t guarantee anything, but maybe we can test you out on a few smaller games later in the season.”

“You’re the actual best.”

“Well, I figured I was already the best since we’re family, and you love me.”

“That’s beside the point.”

“It’s most definitely not,” David sighs, and she just knows that he has a smile plastered onto his face. “Speaking of family, Mom is coming into town on the twenty-first. I know that’s a busy week for you and that we’re sending you to London right after that, but I think we’re going to do a big dinner at the house.”

“I can make time. I didn’t know she was coming into town.”

“It was a last-minute thing since we couldn’t decide on the date that worked for all of us. I’m sure she’ll call you about it soon, but I know that she expressed concerns that she would be charged an arm and a leg for calling you right now since we’re technically out of the country.”

“She most definitely won’t,” Emma laughs all the while Arthur catches a ball in the outfield and the fourth inning ends, all of the players running back to their dugouts. “But yeah, that’s fine. Just let me know, and I’ll be there. I’m sure she’s still upset that I haven’t come to visit as often as you have, which doesn’t even make any sense considering you’re her child and I am not.”

David clicks his tongue, and she grumbles to herself knowing where she messed up in that conversation. “She’s not your mom like she is mine, Emma, but you’re our family. You know that.”

She does. She really does. Just…childhood hang-ups that are likely never going to go away. Maybe one day. She loves Ruth, loves David, and it’s only when she thinks about it too much that she doesn’t refer to David as a brother. Fully accepting love has been hard for her for a lot of her life, but she’s working on it.

“I know. Sorry.”

“You know,” Ruby sighs, “for someone who got onto us for talking while working, you sure seem to be doing a lot of that.”

“I’m the boss,” David huffs.

“You just keep thinking that, buddy boy.”

-/-

The Yankees lose that day, but they’re 38-22 for the season so far, and things seem to be looking up if they keep progressing the way they are.

But Emma knows that it’s a long season, and they’ve barely begun.

-/-

Killian: Do you have dinner plans tonight?

Emma: I’m literally eating with David and Ruby right now. Why?

Killian: I figured we could sneak out and find a restaurant together. I could take you on a proper date.

Emma: Is this proper date your version of being a gentleman?

Killian: Now, darling, you know I am one.

Killian: Eat with David and Ruby. I’ll figure out a way for us to go on a date that doesn’t involve my apartment at some point, yeah?

Emma: That sounds really nice. Though I do love your apartment. Especially that couch.

-/-

One of their producers ended up not coming on the trip with them, so Emma managed to snag her own hotel room instead of sharing one with Ruby. It’s not that she would have minded sharing when that’s one of her absolute favorite things, but she likes that she can sit on her bed and watch what she wants to watch on television without anyone bothering her about it.

Sometimes a girl needs her peace and quiet, and when she’s spent all day around massive groups of people, that’s kind of what she needs right now.

And something to drink.

She’s really damn thirsty, and bathroom sink water isn’t really cutting it for her right now.

Sighing, she gets up from the bed and grabs her wallet and her hotel room key, slipping her feet into sandals as she leaves the room and goes in search of a vending machine. They’re usually so readily available, but for some reason, nicer hotels don’t have them. Like rich people don’t want a bag of chips in the middle of the night.

What’s the point of being rich if you can’t eat junk food whenever you want it?

Emma checks the entirety of her floor, as well as the five floors below her, before resigning herself to only checking the main floor of the hotel to find herself something to drink. If all else fails, she’ll just ask someone at the front desk or walk down the street to whatever convenience store she can find even if that’s not that safe. She’d rather be mugged than pay the price of the drinks in her mini fridge.

Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration.

As she’s walking down the back hallways away from the lobby and the breakfast area, she passes the pool, not thinking anything of it until she sees a splash from her view in the tiny glass window pane over the door that looks into the indoor room.

Killian.

That’s Killian swimming laps in there.

For a moment, she debates whether or not she should go inside, whether that’s invading his privacy, but then she’s pushing the door open and closing it behind her, purposefully moving away from the door so that no one from outside can see her. This is very much them interacting while out in the open even if she doubts several people are going to be walking by the pool past ten at night.

And if they do, she and Killian are simply two people who decided to go for a late-night swim.

She just happens to swim in shorts and a camisole, and her body is completely dry because she hasn’t stepped foot inside of the water.

It’ll make a lot of sense to whoever walks in on them.

(She hopes that doesn’t happen.)

“Yo, Phelps,” she yells when Killian comes up for air at the side of the pool that she’s standing on.”

He blinks up at her, his mouth gaping like a fish, which seems appropriate, before he’s shaking his head and his hair out, the water droplets falling all over the concrete floor, and propping himself up on the edge of the water.

Heat pools between her thighs at the sight of water falling over Killian’s tanned skin, the dark hair on his chest curling in different ways than usual, and his muscles more defined even under the awful florescent lighting in this room. The want that she’s been feeling for weeks now keeps piling up, the untamable desire to be connected to Killian in more ways than just emotionally ramping up, and she already knows that when they have sex, it’s going to be different than it has been before.

That freaking terrifies her.

But she’s also more than ready.

It’s been a whirlwind six weeks, and she’s still trying to catch her breath.

Judging by the way Killian’s chest is heaving, she imagines he is too. More literally than figuratively.

“Swan,” he says on a sigh, reaching up to push his hair back off of his forehead, and that definitely doesn’t do anything to her at all, “what are you doing in here?”

“I was on a quest for something other than fifteen-dollar diet coke to drink, and I happened to pass by the pool. What are you doing in here?”

“Exercise.”

“Didn’t you get enough of that today?”

“Eh.” He reaches up to scratch behind his ear, a water droplet tracing the veins in his forearm. She really likes the veins in his forearms. That’s such a particular thing to like, but it’s a good thing to like. “This is relaxing to me, and it’s low impact. Archie recommended it for me for my shoulder.”

“Well, that’s good. You want to keep taking care of that shoulder. It’s the money maker. You played well today even if you guys lost.”

“Both an insult and a compliment all at once. Amazing.” He crooks his finger toward her, his brows waggling across his forehead while his smile stretches from one side of his lips to the other. “C’mere, love.”

“No,” Emma laughs, crossing her arms over her chest, the chill of the room tightening her nipples. “You’re wet, and I am not getting closer to you.”

Killian actually pouts, his bottom lip protruding, and she can’t help but chuckle at how ridiculous he is.

The most ridiculous.

“Oh, come on, Swan. This is a heated pool. It feels glorious.” He leans back into the water, spreading his arms out into the water as he floats on his back. “Why don’t you join me?”

“I’m not wearing a bathing suit.”

“You got underwear on under those clothes?”

“That is none of your business, twenty-nine.”

He whines in protest, standing up on his feet so that his chest is exposed to her again. “I’m also fine with no underwear being on underneath those clothes. Come on, Swan. What else do you have to do tonight than spend some time with me in an indoor and empty heated pool?”

He’s right. It sounds entirely appealing to join him, so without saying anything, she grabs the bottom of her camisole and pulls it over her shoulders, wishing she was wearing a different bra than the one she has on right now. It’s more lingerie than actual support system for her boobs, and she’s only wearing it because it didn’t show lines under her dress today. But if the heat of Killian’s gaze is any indication, the way that he’s hungrily staring at her, she can say that he probably doesn’t mind.

Deciding to toy with him a little bit, she turns around and slowly takes her shorts off, knowing that he likes her ass, before bending completely over to pull her hair up into a bun so that it doesn’t get wet. She can’t believe that she’s about to do this, but like Killian said, what else does she have to do tonight?

Slowly, she steps down into the pool, the warm water hitting her ankles, then her knees, then her stomach as she gets a little closer to where Killian is waiting, a far too triumphant smile on his face.

“Shut up.”

“I haven’t said a thing.” He swims a little closer to her, the ripples of water moving with his touch, before he’s in her space and cupping her cheeks so that their lips come together in a slow kiss that’s all soft lips and small tilts and something she’s never truly experienced before. “You’re simply reading into my actions.”

Emma scoffs, rolling her eyes a bit, but wanting more of his kiss and the feel of him pressed up against her, so she uses the momentum of the water to wrap her legs around his waist, her core pressing just at his hip, and hold onto him by holding onto the back of his neck. She can feel every inch of him lined up with every inch of her, and like it so often is with the two of them, nothing else exists outside of the darkened blue of his eyes and the way that his fingers are kneading at her ass, exploring parts of her that he hasn’t really gotten to explore despite how intimate they’ve been before.

This is not Killian’s couch.

Every move they make causes water to move, a loud echo in the enclosed space, and she tightens her ankles around his back while her fingers toy with the hair that’s getting a little long at the back of his neck.

“Do you always wear bras like that, love?”

Her gaze flickers down to where Killian’s is, the swell of her breasts as obvious as the tightness of her nipples from how her bra has shifted.

“Nope. They’re usually very beige and boring but comfortable since that’s the whole purpose of them. For me at least. So, you’re getting lucky tonight.”

“Am I?” he asks, his right brow raising high on his forehead, and she realizes exactly what she just said.

Is this the most sexual tension to ever happen inside of a hotel pool? Probably not. But that’s how she feels right now.

“Maybe. If you play your cards right.”

“Damn. I’ve always been bad at card games.”

“Remind me to invite you to poker.”

Killian chuckles, a sound that’s dark but also light and joyous, before one of his hands is releasing the firm grip on her ass to come up and brush away loose strands that have fallen in her face, an intimate touch that has a shiver running down her spine.

Yeah, that’s why a shiver is running down her spine.

“You’ll take away all of my money.”

“Little do you know, that’s been my plan the entire time.”

“I asked you out first, so I’m not sure it really could have been your plan.”

“Yeah, but when I asked you out, we actually did something about it.”

“Touché.” Then his head dips and his mouth is running against her jaw, soft pecks that get more insistent when he moves back toward her ear, his teeth nibbling at her lobe, scruff burning into her skin, that makes her sigh into him. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I’m so damn glad you stumbled into the pool tonight.”

She tilts her head back, wanting to give him more access to her skin, and he takes full advantage of it, nibbling and teasing and soothing as he works his way down her chest, biting down onto the swell of her breasts. It’s so much and not enough, so she tries to climb his body, to move herself further up, and he boosts her with his hands on her ass so that he can nose at her bra until her nipples are exposed and he’s sucking one into her mouth.

Holy fuck.

Killian hums around her, the sucking insistent, and she starts to wonder if she said that out loud, but she doesn’t really care when all of her focus is on the intense way that Killian is riling her up with his tongue and his teeth and his – ah.

She’s not above getting creative on places to have sex, but a public pool is not high on her list…and that’s definitely where it’s been leading.

“K-Killian,” she gaps, practically panting. “Killian, stop.”

He releases her with a wet plop, and when his head is leveled with hers, she can see the redness of his cheeks, the pink on his lips, and all of the dirty thoughts that she’s sure are curled at the tip of his tongue.

“What? Why?”

“We’re in a pool. That’s not exactly private, and with the way things are going, I think I’d rather like some privacy.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely.”

“My room?”

“Fuck yes.”

It has never taken her so long to dry her body enough to put her clothes back on, and after what feels like an hour but is probably a minute, she pulls her top back over her shoulders and yanks her shorts up all the while Killian places his chain around his neck and wraps the towel around his waist without putting a shirt on. He doesn’t have a shirt. Of course not.

Anticipations buzzes through her, her feet never able to stay still, so as she silently follows Killian down the hotel hallways and up the elevator, she’s practically bouncing off of the carpets. She can tell that he feels the same way with the tense set of his jaw and the way that his hand squeezes onto hers, and the moment his hotel room door closes behind him, she lets out a sigh of relief that’s captured by Killian’s lips as he pulls her closer by the straps of her camisole and hungrily devours hers, quickly swiping his tongue into hers with no preamble.

Then again, they’ve had weeks of it.

He’s heavy and insistent against her, and even though she feels a chill from the dampness of her clothes, all she can feel is warmth. His hands move from her shoulders to her waist, tugging her closer so that they’re completely pressed together, and there’s no hesitation in the way that he moves against her.

None at all.

For years, all she knew of Killian Jones was that he was attractive, known for his dating life, and that he was a damn good pitcher. All she saw was the confidence and cockiness, the way that he swaggered on and off the field and threw people off with a flirtatious answer or a sly smile. She didn’t know him, no matter how well she thought that she did, but that’s not how it is now.

She knows that Killian is confident and cocky, that he can flirt successfully almost every time, and that he is sure of his movements with how he’s tangling his tongue with hers and making her melt into him. But she also knows that he’s got a lot of darkness hidden behind the blue of his eyes, that a lot of his confidence is fake and is only there to hide where he’s insecure.

The great Killian Jones can be insecure.

And unsure.

There are so many facets of him that she knows, so many that she hasn’t yet discovered, but she can’t wait to learn.

Nothing about him right now is unsure, though. Not the way that he pushes her back toward the bed, his steps precise and the movements of his hands directed to cover every inch of her skin at once. His chain is pressing into her skin, the cold metal a contrast to the warmth of his skin and his chest hair against her, and when his fingers slide up her neck and into her hair so that he can tilt her head to the side to deepen their kiss, she groans into his mouth.

This is absolutely everything, and she wants to be kissed like this – passionate, possessive, lovingly – every day for the rest of her life.

When her knees hit the end of the mattress, she pulls away from Killian so that she can tug her shirt off, the clothes falling to the floor. Immediately, she reaches for her bra, but then Killian’s grabbing onto her hands and moving them away so that he can undo the clasp, helping her remove the wet lace.

“Beautiful,” he mumbles with a slight shake of his head, his eyes focused on her breasts before flicking up to her eyes so that she can see the slight smile. “So beautiful.”

Even though she talks for a living, she’s never been great with words, so she doesn’t say anything, simply tugging him closer by the waistband of his swim shorts, and then he’s pushing her back onto the bed, her back hitting the mattress with a small oomph that has her laughing the slightest bit.

First times (and so many times after that) are always so heated and yet awkward, elbows in places that they don’t need to be and sounds made that shouldn’t be made, and while she’s usually nervous, she doesn’t feel that way right now.

“Something funny there, love?”

“Nothing at all.” She beckons him closer with a curl of her finger like he did to her earlier, and he obliges, bracing his palms on either side of her shoulders so that he’s staring down at her, hot breath hitting her already overheated skin. “I just like you is all.”

“Funny thing,” he smiles, dipping his hide to bite against her collarbone, “I rather like you too.”

She pulls herself up to try to start working at his shorts, but he wraps his fingers around her wrist all the while tugging her shorts down. She has to lift her hips to help him out, kick out at her ankles so that they fall to the floor, and she’s just about to try to work at his shorts again when his fingers are moving against the slick flesh that’s wet and aching and absolutely desperate to feel his touch again.

A whine escapes from her lips, one that even she knows sounds needy, and she can feel Killian’s chuckle against her breast as he breathes her in and keeps on driving her mad with the expert touch of his fingers. He’s very obviously a good listener both with coffee creamer preferences and sex preferences because he’s doing just what she asked him to last time.

No one should be able to bring her this much pleasure this quickly, should be able to make her feel like she’s already coming apart at the slightest touch.

Emma Swan wants Killian Jones, and she’s finally going to have him.

Her hips roll up into his, an attempt at chasing pleasure and bringing her more friction even with the way Killian is circling her clit, but when she gets the friction she’s chasing, Killian pulls back with a hiss and a clench of his jaw.

Some of the high comes down then, but only for a moment before he’s pulling his shorts down his thighs, exposing thick, muscled thighs covered in hair and his length bobbing against his stomach. She gulps, the thought of him sliding into her overwhelming her and exciting her all at once, but then he’s leaning back over her, nearly aligning their bodies so that he’s pressing against her thigh, smooth and thick and so goddamn hard that her body jolts at the touch.

“You’re a siren, do you know that?” He whispers the words as he ruts against her, his lips tracing her clavicle before he’s taking a nipple between his lips and lavishing there. He watches her as he does it, blue eyes under those unfairly long lashes, and she can barely control her breathing. Her heart may very well explode. “Everything about you. Your eyes, your hair, your pretty pink lips.”

His right hand trails up the mattress until he’s grabbing onto her hand and threading their fingers together, holding them above her head all the while he shifts his hips so that his cock brushes against her aching flesh, desire continuing to build.

She’s going to burst.

“The way your ass looks in your jeans,” he continues, moving away from her breasts and up her body until his lips are hovering just over hers his nose squishing into her cheek. “The way you smile and the laugh that follows after it. Or the way that you eat so many horrible things but get so happy while you’re doing it. The way you’re so passionate about your job, about your friends, about everything you do. A damn siren calling me to you.”

She gasps, words still failing her, so with her free hand, she reaches up and traces her fingers along the line of his scruff, smiling up at him as she blinks. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re really good with words?”

“Once or twice.”

“You are. Just, like, the best.”

His smile can be tasted in his kiss, and it’s this slow, tender thing, so unrushed like the rest of tonight, and she revels in it even as their hips keep rolling together.

“Do you have a condom this time?” she asks on a whisper.

“Bought a whole damn box on my way home from practice that day.”

She giggles into the comforter and then whines when Killian moves off of her, his bare ass in her view as he gets up and ruffles through his suitcase, pulling out a foil and carefully ripping it open. He moves to put it on, but this time it’s her turn to stop him. His breath hitches, his chest visibly moving, and the curses that he murmurs when her fingers travel over his length and the velvety feel of him are downright dirty. She tries to keep eye contact with him, but she can’t help but watch as between her thighs slicken.

“Lay down on your back.”

There’s a raise of a brow, but he listens, settling down onto the mattress and spreading his legs as she moves to hover above him, kissing along the muscles of his stomach and his inner thighs all the while her nails follow the path. He’s trembling, just barely though, and she smiles into his skin before balancing above him on her knees while his fingers find purchase on her hips, squeezing into her skin as she slowly moves above him so that he brushes against her flesh.

This is everything she imagined, and she did imagine this, but nothing compares to the real thing.

“Emma – ” His fingers move, his eyes wide, and she nods her head to his silent question before sinking down onto him and taking in every inch that she can.

Perfect.

Warm.

Full.

It’s a slight stretch, a new adjustment, and she reaches forward to press her hands against his chest, curling her fingers into the hair there as she sighs.

“Holy fuck.”

“That’s kind of what I was thinking too,” Killian chuckles, the smile on his face bright compared to how hooded his eyelids are.

And then she’s moving.

It’s a slow pace, one that’s full of learning and experimenting and simply trying to find a rhythm that’s right for the both of them. Electricity is rising on her skin, her flesh covered in bumps as the coil in her stomach continues to tighten, and with the way that Killian is thrusting up into her all the while she’s circling her hips over him, she doesn’t know how much longer she’s going to last.

“I need,” Killian mutters, adjusting his position under her while he tugs her down to bring their lips together, her breasts pressing into his chest as sweat trickles down her back.

“Faster?” she questions.

“Fuck yes.”

Then it’s a quick, dirty fuck, skin slapping against skin and moans being exchanged between them, and when Killian’s hand snakes down between them and starts rubbing against her flesh, she nearly loses it, having to bite into his shoulder as he wraps his arms around her waist and turns them. He slips from her as they reposition themselves, but then he’s sliding back into her in a rhythm that’s so intense that she has completely lost her breath.

She comes with a keening whimper into his jaw, her orgasm more sparks of electricity across her skin, and Killian encourages her to feel it, to let herself fall, all the while he thrusts into her, grunting and cursing and then finding his own releases as he presses into her and the cool metal around his chest does the same, their bodies connected in every damn way possible.

Killian coming is a beautiful sight.

His eyelids are hooded, his jaw clenched, and the intensity is like none other.

As far as first times with someone go, she thinks she likes this one the best.

He falls onto her, pressing into her with his weight, and she reaches up to comb her fingers through his hair, damp from the pool and from sweat, and she’s never been so fond of the smell of chlorine.

“I stand by my comments of you being a siren,” he mumbles against her skin before rolling off of her and off of the bed, quickly disposing of the condom before he crawls back In and pulls the blanket over the two of them. She needs to get up to use the restroom, but she has time for that later. “There is no way I’m ever going to be able to give you up now.”

Why did she ever bother catching her breath when it’s going to be taken away with words like that?

Emma rolls over to Killian, looping her leg over his calves and resting her head on his chest so that she can feel metal under her cheek and the quick beating of a heart to prove that this is real and not some kind of dream. Rough fingers trace across her back, spelling out words she can’t figure out, and then there’s a press of lips to her hairline that has her eyes fluttering closed in happiness.

[velveetacrackncheese]

Hey, Rad... Alex... Alexlememe? I know that's the name you used to go by and I know you've kinda disconnected yourself from Viv's fanbase after ZP ended, and I remember your memes and such but I kinda just wanted to get your take on the Hazbin drama since you reblogged the headcanon blog's post on the subject. More or less regarding the issue of her being uncharitable to fans and non-fans alike, plus that one callout post on twitter?

So this is weird. I wasn’t expecting to get asks on the subject since like you said, I’ve generally been disconnected from the fanbase aside from the few reblogs here and there retaining to Hazbin and its more recent developments. But yeah I guess I could give my take on this since I mean.. old fans still follow me. Idk why, but they do!So, really. In regards to that callout post (which is now deleted) I really, really don’t care that much. For one thing, Initially I did because I really hated to see someone be slandered so viciously with inaccurate and uncharitable attacks, but I kinda just stopped because even when I linked the addresses from both Viv, and the Ken dude regarding all the drama mentioned, it was either ignored and resulting in me being called a “pedo sympathizer” or “It wasn’t even an apologyyyyy weh” and like, whatever. I stopped giving a shit.

Terms of the traced animation thing... Lol, ok. I mean homages do exist, and her animation thingy was based on a meme so whatevs.

Anyways,I knew from the very start that the whole “tracing” and “stealing designs” stuff was nonsense since there was an entire like, tumblr drama arc on the issue, and albeit Viv’s post is gone, there’s evidence of legal contracts regarding Jiji and that whole nonsense that was years ago. In regards to her drawing pictures of Blaire White and Shoe… Eh. I mean, yeah, fuck em, but she’s made it clear that she doesn’t support those views anymore, and she wasn’t even really aware of the other things they’d done at that point, and I see no real reason not to believe her because what does lying about that gain her? Yeah her comment on the “blackface” thing if you wanna call it that was dumb as shit, but considering 2016 was a rough year for her in terms of trying to find where she fell in the political sphere, I can relate because I was in the same boat. A lot of sjw cringe comps, shaming feminists, and purposely misgendering transpeople… Not a good time for me either! Course I’ve changed. I went from being a reactionary alt-centrist to an anarchist so. Whether that’s an improvement is up to you.

As for the whole pedo/zoo shit, I really don’t see it. I mean like, look, obviously porn art portraying people fucking feral animals is disgusting right. Not saying it isn’t problematic or anything, but to be fair, she did draw this shit like 8 years ago. I’ve seen worse from even more well-established artists and I don’t see people trying to cancel them? Also, the art was suggestive for one thing and not necessarily 100% porn. I mean it’s still creepy and gross, and I’d understand scolding them if they continued to do so but a lot worse, but I haven’t seen anything like that from Viv past those 2 drawings. As for the pedo shit… The relationship between a 17 year old and a 19 year old is… hardly creepy and reminiscent of pedo shit. So yeah no fuck that. Now with the drawing of Mirage and Kestrel and the tag that said something jokingly like “Mirage and her pedo tendencies” or whatever… Yeah idk, I can’t defend that lmfao. Again, Viv said she disapproves of those drawings and doesn’t care to think about them, but that one piece of artwork definitely had some baggage to it that made me feel uncomfortable after reading the tags.Only issue I took in terms of her addressing that, is that she was very adamant about it being an inside joke… Which if that’s true, you must’ve had some fucked up friends like damn.

I would also like to state that cub art is legitimately disgusting and I am of the belief that it can cause harm depending on the context since I assume the consumption of cub art can reinforce the urge for pedophiles to act on their desires instead of finding healthy coping mechanisms for it through therapy. There have been stories from younger users on the internet that older people have tried to groom them and have the notion of pedos preying on them be normalized by sending them art depicting kids in sexual acts with adults. Of course in isolation cub art isn’t as harmful as the actual act of raping a child, and I would argue that people have their priorities kind of messed up since the illustration being acknowledged should be part of combating pedophiles preying on children. However, people, typically twitter wokescolds tend to focus on the art solely and I don’t know why. There’s a lot of MAPS trying to find their way into LGBT spaces and it’s fucking gross.

Now with Hazbin itself… It’s meh. Initially I watched it with rose-tinted glasses and loved it. After watching it for like… the 3rd, 4th, 5th time? It’s alright. I don’t hate it, but it’s far from perfect. Now ofc I know it’s a pilot but a very lengthy pilot I’ll say. My biggest gripe with the pilot is that the editing is really fucking weird. Like the editing where Angel tells Alastor “I can suck yah dick!” and the scene that followed was really off. It seemed like too many cuts were made in that instance and seemed very cluttered. It also feels that way during Charlie singing “Inside Every Demon is a Rainbow” and how many little animated bits were like almost wiped off the screen by how fast it came by, and ntm there was just so much happening all at once on screen as well. I had to pause at points just to process everything that was happening. The palette is also very, very, verrrry red. There’s so much red going on and like… I get it, it’s in hell. But lemme rest my eyes on something else besides red, please. The palette they use needs to be better diversified, and the same goes for the characters too. Every character seems to have red on them. Whenever Baxter shows up later he’s gonna look really out of place. Some of the jokes were ok, and others seemed non-clever. I didn’t think Angel’s joke about sucking Al’s dick was funny. I did like the joke with Pentious and Angel though. “SON??” Some of it could’ve been written better too.

Regarding the drama with the show itself… Personally I don’t get it. Like, I don’t feel as if Angel is homophobic as a character since his queerness isn’t at the face of the jokes he makes? He just happens to be sex worker which… sex workers are fine? Support sex workers y’all, seriously. There’s also nothing intrinsically wrong with being sexually active either? As long as it’s within reason and you’re being trustworthy.The issue lies in the fact that people viewed the things I just mentioned as negative, and associate it with gay people as said negatively portrayed thing to push the sentiment of “Gay man do sex a lot therefore the gays bad” or that sort of thing. Also there’s a bit where it shows there’s more emotional depth to him and I’m hoping they’ll expand on that later. Honestly though, the criticisms in regards to that have been pretty uncharitable. Same with the criticisms for Vaggie. Apparently Vaggie is racist because… she’s loud and angry? Again, this is a case where people assume those traits are negative, and because it’s assumed to be negative, the negatively portrayed thing pushes the sentiment of “Being a loud fiery woman made, and latina women are that, therefore latina women bad” or some shit.  There are stereotypes that are bad no matter what the context is like sambo-esque caricatures of black people. Then there are tropes that are applied to certain demographics that have the capability to be written well into characters without it being offensive or disrespectful. Vaggie is literally angry because she’s protective of her gf. Like. C’mon.

So, I think that settles what I think about that? It honestly seems like superficial shit to me tbh, and I’m saying this as an sjw-y beta cuck anarchist.

The only REAL gripe I have, is with what the mod from @zpheadcanons posted. Because I know this is probably true as much as it hurts me to say it. Faust def has a history of being pretty petty and bully-like to people she deems undesirable, and Viv harbors it by not criticizing it, and if anyone else within their friend group does it then you’re scolded vehemently and treated like garbage. Her attitude also stretches to harboring an audience full of white knights that I personally don’t approve of.

There’s also this

Faust has hurt distant people I personally know and… yeah. Maybe I’m biased but I can’t vibe with that. Sorry. If you don’t make an effort to criticize abusive behavior within your own friend circles then that makes you just as bad, because then you’re just a bystander to things you could have prevented.

This isn’t to say Viv herself hasn’t dealt with bad faith actors, or people who had the intention to hurt her, or very uncharitable criticism. Particularly from the badwebcomics forums which is honestly 4chan like in how they operate. It’s vicious as hell, and a lot of their criticisms boil down to insults and personal attacks, which serve to be nonconstructive. That’s not to say Viv has been kind to even the more charitable criticism though. I know because when I happened to send an ask to the zoophobia criticism blog (where did it go???) regarding something relatively minor and superficial, she blocked me from her blog. I’m still blocked lmfao. I’m not blocked on twitter though! (not yet anyways). Faust has me blocked there though, and I have no idea why. She’s had me blocked for years even though I haven’t spoken out against her till recently. So, there’s that.

As for her apology itself, I feel like it was fine. I think it could’ve been worded better? The take I disagree with in terms of that is like… If I made a mistake in the past, and I make it clear that I don’t care for what I did, I don’t feel as if me explaining why I felt compelled to do certain things negate me from still not caring for my past actions? That’s just me providing context. That’s a really weird take, but I guess that could be viewed as an excuse idk. Personally I think people are holding the bar super high to a state of irrationality.

*sigh* So yeah there’s that. I miss the old days where honestly I could be ignorant about this, but at the same time I look at my old obsessive posts and I kinda just… cringe. I was such an irrational stan I almost hate myself for it. Fuck XD

Edit: I’d also like to point out that I’m not saying Viv or Faust are totally awful or totally good people, and I know they’re capable of being better. It’s a matter of whether or not they wanna be better.

[altantrengsin-apologist]

On the Filipino “panliligaw” culture

Disclaimer: I’ve been pressed about something for the past few months but as I’ve taken a vow to stop using my blog as an outlet for my negativity, I said I wouldn’t post about it. But I came across these tweets recently and what pissed me off aren’t the posts per se but the fact that two of the smartest and most vocally feminist girls I know from college liked the retweet. So I’m sorry but I’m gonna go off. 

In the Philippines, panliligaw (translation: courtship) is a prerequisite to every relationship. Ask any Filipina girl how she got together with her Filipino boyfriend and I promise that, more likely than not, she’s gonna tell you that her boyfriend “pursued” her. Panliligaw is not the western equivalent of dating. Dating involves mutual interest; panliligaw, in some cases—I repeat, in some cases—does not. 

I do not have an issue with the notion of courting or “pursuing” someone as long as consent is involved. Some relationships start off in the dating stage and some start with “courtship.” Here’s my huge-ass concern, though:

I think our culture has enabled, if not actively created, a toxic tradition of harassing women into entering relationships. This might be a thing in the west too, but I promise you, the harass-until-she-says-yes culture is even bigger in the Philippines. Our men have been taught that if they just keep at it no matter how clearly uncomfortable the girl is, they’ll get what they want. They’ve been conditioned to think that no does not mean no; no means try harder. I wish I was exaggerating but I swear to jesus christ, I have heard actual conversations between men that went exactly like that.  

Our godamn pakipot culture plays huge role in this too. Let me tell you about the pakipot culture, alright? So there’s this notion that girls should play hard to get. If a guy expresses interest in you and you immediately show mutual interest, literally someone is bound to tell you: “magpakipot ka naman” (translation: you have to play hard to get). I am also not exaggerating. I have heard this line way more times than I can count. 

So, factor in this pakipot culture where women are expected to play hard to get regardless of whether or not they like the guy, and the panliligaw culture where men think that if they try hard and long enough, the girl will eventually says yes, and we get: a hellhole where women cannot express their feelings if they do not wanna be tagged as malandi (literal translation: a flirt; rough translation: a slut) and are treated like prizes to be won by the most persevering of men. It’s great out here, really. 

I don’t wanna put blame on men, entirely. Admittedly, us, women and our mothers, had a role in this, too. We abided by the pakipot culture rules; sadly, some still do and the rest are forced to pay the price. Women said no when they meant yes, and now our no’s mean nothing. It’s literally 2019, I hope we could establish a new culture where we mean what we say and teach men that we are not objects to be chased after. 

And to twitter user Tita Maroon, I genuinely just don’t get what your point is. Your friend’s story is literally the status quo. Men end up with the girls they want after pursuing them for months and years on end—regardless of whether the girl has an ounce of interest in them or not, ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. It’s stories like those that encourage men to continue harassing girls under the guise of panliligaw. It’s stories like those as well lines like: “don’t ask a girl if you can court her, just do it” (I’ve seen about 20 variations of this everywhere, I just am too lazy to find one right now) that mute women’s voices. It’s like saying: you don’t like this boy, but he likes you and what you feel doesn’t matter because in the end, he will get what he wants. 

This has become way too long, and I feel like I didn’t articulate as well as I should have, but I’m glad my two cents are out there. 

In summary, I respect men’s rights—rights to leave girls the fuck alone when asked (minus his and society’s guilt-tripping). Men are not entitled to women’s attention or love or time. That’s all, thank you for coming to my ted talk. My assistant will be handing out juice boxes on the way out.

[unorthodoxsavvy]

An Unorthodox Update

Hello, friends, Romans, country-core-people... mutuals...

I’d like to take a minute to address this blog and the direction it’s been going in.

First let’s look at our roots.

I started this blog in November of 2016, about a month after I started dating my boyfriend (CretaceousHero, go give him a follow guys) and it was originally an MCR blog titled Welcome-To-The-Savvy-Parade (yeah it hurts to read for me too but there were good intentions). Around that time somewhere maybe like 2015 I had started watching Dan and Phil and my posts gravitated towards them and Bands™️. After a while I think I slowly changed over to mostly Dan and Phil under UnorthodoxSavvy, which has become my main branding everywhere, starting on here (Twitch, Twitter when I had one, Discord, other messaging systems, Pokémon go, AC: PC) and I use the name “Savvy” which I also went by IRL for a while and still kind of do I just don’t talk to as many people anymore. From there I was often lumped in with Dan and Phil blogs even though I never had an official Dan and Phil branding. Throw in some superheroes and tv shows, etc. I was even a front-runner for Phandom Meetups when those were a thing. Commenting on YOUR photos brought me happiness.

At some point I decided to split my content into two blogs, this one and my side blog. Both have a certain theme that are almost polar opposites when you compare them, but they are both me. I’m currently thinking of changing that url by the way as the joke has kind of died out. My content over there has also changed recently.

Dan and Phil have been posting less and less, which is OKAY. Personally I think that Dan can go do whatever the hell he wants and doesn’t owe us anything BUT I know that I’m in a minority of thinking that way. Even other YouTubers have suggested that not keeping up with your audience and telling them if you are still a YouTuber or what-not is kind of unfair, so, no offense, but hearing it from another YouTuber’s perspective makes me more inclined to see that you guys maybe aren’t as unfounded as I would have originally thought.

Either way, it’s clear that there is less DnP content out there which means less content for all DnP blogs, which I feel like puts me even more away from being labeled a “Dan and Phil” blog. I’ve never wanted to limit myself to just them though.

Over the past year or so I’ve grown into focusing more on posting nature, plants, “aesthetic” images, more positivity, more positive LGBT+ stuff. I’ve tried to step back from the discourse but that hasn’t always been successful. I’ve tried my best to put negative things on my other blogs but honestly sometimes I need to post on here about how lonely I am where people can see it. I’ve taken YOUR suggestions and I’ve tried to post more informational and positivity posts about things I am not in support of others: Trans and other gender identities, autistic post, psychotic and other mental illnesses that aren’t as well recognized/more stigmatized, etc.

The feeling I wish to convey on this blog I guess is a sense of peace and purity with information and a non-nonsense tollerance of hatred with some positivity and jokes here and there. Does that make sense?

I guess what I’m trying to say through all of this is I don’t really know where this blog is headed right now. Some content you can expect to see if I keep up with the blog is Queer Eye, LGBTQ+ things, plants, animals, photography, art, information, etc. If anyone has any other suggestions please feel free to throw them out. Tell me what you do/don’t like.

I say if I keep up with this blog because right now Tumblr Mobile’s new notification system has pushed me towards turning off all of my notifications on my phone for this app. That means if I get an ask, if I get a message, I am not seeing it right away because even if I had them turned on it would be swept in with all of the likes, reblogs, and comments and buried. By nature I’m not being as active on this blog.

I would hate to throw away everything I’ve worked for on here and though it’s hard for me to believe I think some of you might actually miss me if I just threw it all away. I had a good 3 days last week of constant hate in my inbox and notifications so that was fun too. Whatever man.

If you’re interested in any of my other interests like The Umbrella Academy, Stranger Things, Dark Egos, Vulture Culture, BFU, Cryptids, Superheroes, the general post about me complaining about people, feel free to follow what is currently @shes-demons-jim but will probably change soon.

Some of you may also know that Emory and I have finally opened a few online shops which I run the PR for. I follow many of the same blogs on there and drop by YOUR inboxes from time to time spreading the positivity I used to on here, but kind of slacked off on. From there I was to comment on your photos and lift you up. Though we are a store, we are us, Savvy ans Emory, dating for almost 4 years, have had your backs since day 1 and hope you have ours too. If you don’t know our shop’s proceeds are going to raise money for his top surgery, as he’s getting older now and it’s more of an option and because dysphoria sucks. Which I’m sure a lot of you relate to (and I feel for you I can’t even imagine). Also the blog for that is @unorthodox-hero-shop feel free to go check it out there will be more designs up today.

If I’ve missed any asks or messages over the past week or so, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t feel like being as active as much because Tumblr gets worse and worse. People on here suck and I would hate to leave you all to the wolves ;) (I’ve been seeing some rough posts lately yikes).

Also who else do I have to bitch to about people??? So there! You can keep me around so I can bitch to you guys!! Look her real personality came through ya’ll.

Anyway I hope you’re having a great day as usual I don’t expect anyone to read this, it’s more for me then anything else I guess, have a nice day, see you over on my other blogs as well 👋🏻

[therussianmajor]

Reflections on 2018

It is already 2019. Holy Shit.

As we welcome in 2019, it is important that we reflect on the past year. 2018, for me personally, was a very long year. It was full of new friends, love, laughter, and a whole lot of happiness. However, it was also full of worse depression than I’ve ever experienced, of-the-walls anxiety, and a lot of scary experiences. Reflecting on your mistakes can be painful, but I truly believe it to be the only way to successfully get through the new year. Luckily, you also get to reflect on the good memories.

2018, for me, started off pretty well. I had an incredibly challenging yet interesting first semester. It was by far my most difficult semester to date and I still managed to keep my 4.0 (for non-Americans: this just means straight As). It was a deeply stressful semester, and it certainly affected my anxiety levels negatively, but I not only survived through it, I thrived. In addition to making all As, I was incredibly involved. I continued to chair multiple student organizations, be involved in my campus’ Equality center, be involved in Student Congress, and moderate honors reading groups and political discussion groups. All while working part-time and studying full time. Not dying that semester was definitely a confidence boost.

This leads us into the summer of 2018. I was incredibly excited about going to France with a group of student leaders on my campus; however, it was ultimately an experience I look back on with sadness and self-doubt. While there were several people in the group who I platonically fell in love with (and will forever be thankful for their friendship), the experience as a whole was rather terrible for my mental health. I cried more than I ever have the first week of that trip. I had to share a room in Paris with a total asshole that many people in the group loved. The way he treated me was such that I hadn’t experienced before (I think I’m generally a likeable guy and haven’t experienced much hate in my life). The was a LOT of walking on this trip, and for someone with extreme scoliosis (which means chronic back and nerve pain), this can be very difficult, especially in mountainous regions of central France. Had it not been for one of the girls in the group who often walked behind with me whenever my back decided to have nerve spasms, I don’t know that I would have survived the trip. The leader of the group, a university employee who I had all the respect in the world for and whom I wanted nothing more than to please, seemed almost upset that my back caused me to not always keep up with the group. This killed my self-esteem. Not because she was rude about it -- she was always kind to me. But she did make me feel lesser-than. When someone you look up to and respect makes you feel that way, it is a feeling I cannot accurately articulate. Just know that it sucks. A lot. However, this trip also allowed me to make several life-long friends who, before, were merely acquaintances and for that I will be forever grateful.

Luckily, after France, I moved to Madrid, Spain for a month. This was the best time of my life. I loved Madrid. I went alone, with nothing but a small suitcase, and I left having not only improved my Spanish, but having made a fairly large but very close group of truly wonderful friends from all over the world. Words cannot express how thankful I am for my time in Madrid. It will likely always be my favorite city in this world. Madrid was a city that made me want to be a better version of myself. Sure, there was some scary moments (2 guys attempting to mug me while walking alone in a dark, secluded alley at 4am being one of them), but I look back on these fondly. After my experience in Madrid, one thing on my bucket list is showing my future husband around the city. I truly cannot wait.

After Madrid, I went back to the States and had a few weeks off before moving to Russia. It was great to be with family and friends and relax. Plus, at that time, I was really looking forward to Russia, so all was well.

Then I actually arrived in Russia. From the start, it was rough. The worst part, by far, was the bureaucracy. There are so many stressful processes for foreign students to go through, especially when you privately rent property here. Several negative experiences related to this have resulted in a LOT of anxiety relating to anything to do with the Russian government. However, if you follow my blog, you know (in more detail than you probably should lmao) all the troubles I’ve had while living here. So for some positive things: THE MARIINSKY THEATER. By far my favorite part of living here in Saint Petersburg. Words cannot describe the talent exhibited in their operas and ballets. I absolutely love going. I also reallllllly love my main Russian professor here and am currently hoping and praying that I get her next semester, as well.

So sorry for the stream-of-consiousness rant-like post, you guys. Writing it out is more for me than anything, so thank you for letting this take up space on your timeline <3