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heyitsmerose · 3 years

Text

Letting Go

Pairing: Broken!Reader x Stranger!Yunho

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt Comfort

Word Count: 12.1k

Summary: You've never felt more down. Despite having a loving family and studying at a good school you still aren't happy. You may have many objective luxuries, but you don't have anyone to talk to. The stress from all around you is getting to you and you finally break. You can't take this anymore. Deciding to finally take matters into your own hands and end this for good, you go to your favourite bridge one last time to say your goodbyes to the world. Until someone stops you that is...

Warnings/Disclaimer: In no way do I mean to romanticise mental illness. Through this oneshot, I want to show depression and other mental heath issues for what they are. I will not sugar coat anything and will show them for how exhausting and painful they are. Again, I am not writing this to romanticise mental illness, rather provide comfort and create a safe space to talk about mental health. Remember, it's never too late to get help, and I'm always here for you. It can be as small as personally messaging me how you're feeling today, I'm here to listen :) This oneshot will obviously be talking about suicide, depression, obsession and mental health in general. If these topics trigger you, this oneshot may not be for you.

Suicide

Depression

Swearing

Mentions of Sexual Abuse

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Youtube Playlist

1:05 ───|────── 2:53

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*I've spent a few weeks on this, I'm sorry if there are spelling errors, I've read the entire thing maybe 5-6 times.

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Facing the window in front of you, you sighed. You felt numb. It was raining and was around 6 pm. It was cloudy outside and the rain made the sky a few shades darker than normal. One of your windows was opened and you could smell the rain. The earth smell that made you feel all giddy inside. Excitement used to bubble inside you whenever you recognized the familiar scent of the wet earth, it indicated that it was going to rain. You loved the rain. It felt so comforting and the sound of the raindrops calmed you. At least that's how it used to feel. Now, you feel numb. Unaware of your surroundings and unfazed by a natural phenomenon that once caused you joy.

You sighed looking outside. It was frustrating. The rain that once comforted you was now frustrating. The constant pitter-patter noises bothered you and you were unable to get anything done. You slammed the window shut with all the force you could muster and plopped yourself back on your chair, redirecting your attention to what was on the desk. Ahh right, you had homework to finish. The bright screen of your laptop burned your eyes and caused them to feel sore but you couldn't care less.

You had 2 essays due tomorrow and although that didn't sound like a lot it was just the tip of the iceberg. Not only did you have 2 essays to start (and finish on the same day), you also had an oral presentation you had to give tomorrow for your music class. You didn't have your presentation ready and you were presenting to over 50 other people.

You had everything you could have possibly wanted. Your parents were not too rich but you were quite well off with a duplex in a multi-story apartment. Your dad had a stable career and was the country manager of a company giving him a good amount of power. Your mother was a social butterfly and had many connections. They sent you to a private school and let you study what you wanted. Although you didn't have any close friends in school, you had a few people you sat with.

See? You had everything you could have possibly wanted but you were still miserable. You knew this wasn't normal. For the past few months, you felt numb. There wasn't a better word to describe it. You felt apathetic and unfazed by everything. You were slowly starting to lose interest in the things you once found thrilling and fun and felt disconnected from reality. Your own parents felt like strangers and you felt like you couldn't talk to them. In actuality, your parents were loving and provided you with everything you could have possibly wanted. They took really good care of you and regularly showed affection. They were also quite understanding and were easy-going and fun. The fact that your parents are so caring makes you feel all the more guilty about telling them. You can't tell anyone.

You huffed, running your hands through your hair roughly. You gripped the roots of your hair and began to feel it again. The feeling of darkness creeping into your mind.

"what's the point of this?"

"I want this to stop"

"When will it get better?"

"Does it ever get better?"

In all honesty, you felt hopeless. You had to begin and finish 2 whole essays and prepare your presentation. Listening to music, eating anything, or even taking a break were useless, they would just distract you. You chewed the end of your pencil enough to make the end of it dent. Your teeth hurt but you continued doing so. At least the physical pain would distract you from this crazy workload. Or so you thought... You began to type on your laptop. You were writing your mid-term paper and were given the freedom to pick whatever topic you wanted as long as you felt like it expressed your emotions.

You typed the first thing that came to mind.

"I want to escape. I keep wanting for this to stop, I keep expecting everything to get better. It never does. It's an endless cycle of work and just more work. I feel like a robot and in all honesty, the lack of emotion is the only thing I'm feeling"

Your face had a stoic expression as your fingers fluttered across the keyboard. The gentle noise of keys clicking was the only thing heard for another hour or so. You didn't take any breaks and just wanted to get it done. At this point, you didn't care if it was good or even decent, you just wanted to get it done. That was very unlike you though. You were no topper, but you considered yourself quite hardworking and diligent. You were slowly falling behind though, but you couldn't care less. You just wanted to get it over with.

In the essay you wrote, you didn't get too personal, you simply wrote about your feelings and personified them. You spoke about your feelings as if they were an obstacle in your way. Despite being quite specific, you made it seem as though you were not talking about yourself. You fixed up the grammar and printed out your paper, stapling it, ready to submit it tomorrow. You looked outside and by now it was way darker. It was around 8:30 and it was time for dinner.

You went downstairs to get your plate of dinner and greeted your mom.

"Y/n, you're finally here, I almost forgot you were even living in this house" She chuckled and your dad joined in. You didn't laugh though.

"Hey, cheer up, your mom was just kidding, is everything alright?" Your dad chimed in.

In all honesty, you knew your mom didn't mean it, she was just kidding, but mocking you for the amount of workload you had didn't seem right. The question by your dad, however, completely caught you off guard. In your heart, you knew you weren't. You noticed how you started drifting off and spacing out while someone was talking to you. You noticed how you stopped feeling joy and noticed how you never had time for anything but school. Your face was glued to the ground and you nodded. You didn't want to lie, but you couldn't help it. You'd feel guilty for possibly making them feel like it was their fault.

Your parents both just sighed and your mom held your hand. She brought you to sit at the dining table and looked at you with nothing but love in her eyes.

"Y/n... We know something is bothering you. You know you can tell us anything right?" Your mom asked as she cupped your cheek. You looked back up at her and saw both of your parents looking at you worriedly.

You could feel the back of your eyelids stinging. Your throat got dry and you felt a burning in your nose. This was it. This was your chance to finally tell them how you felt. You wanted to tell them everything. From how you felt incompetent, to the constant stress and pressure. You wanted to finally break down your walls and tell them that you lacked the feelings you felt before. But you couldn't. The lump in your throat grew and you felt the corners of your eyes getting wetter. You couldn't get any words out. You badly wanted to just let it all out, but the words were stuck in your throat.

You also couldn't just break down all of a sudden or they would get really worried. You couldn't let them watch you break down. You would never forgive yourself if they ever thought the way you were feeling was because of them.

You simply sucked in a deep breath of air and looked away before they noticed anything was wrong.

"I just have a lot of work. I have more to do though, so if you could excuse me." You said, your voice wavering as you walked away from them.

"What about your dinner?" Your mom asked pointing at the counter. You just sighed and picked up a plate of food. Your hands trembled and your lip quivered from the overwhelming situation and you rushed to your room as fast as you could. As soon as you left, your mom just sighed and looked at your dad and her face showed immense concern. He brought her into his warm embrace reassured her. You would come to them when the time was right. You would eventually tell them what was bothering you. right? Although you didn't want them to feel guilty, they already did.

The second you reached your room upstairs you locked the door behind you. You tossed the food into the dustbin near your desk and put the plate aside. You felt guilty. Every day your mom would make you a full course meal only for you to throw it away without even having a bite. You couldn't help it though. You had a lot of work to do and eating was not your first priority. Besides, you already had lunch. This was not a rare occurrence. You would usually skip breakfast and dinner, directly eating lunch. Your stomach growled but you couldn't care less.

You rushed into the bathroom in your room and closed the door behind you. Your back slid down the door and your hands flew to your face. You almost blew your cover. It was quite an overwhelming situation. Your hands covered your mouth as the first sob wracked through your body. You were lucky that you were in the bathroom, in your room, on the second floor, it was practically impossible for anyone to hear you.

Your hands moved up to your hair as you gripped it tightly in between your fingers. Slowly, more cries came out. The bathroom echoed with your sobs and heavy breathing. You tried muffling your cries to no avail. You sobbed loudly while you shoved your palm against your mouth trying to stop yourself from crying but nothing worked. You tried digging your fingernails into your palm to distract yourself from all the emotional pain with physical pain but it still didn't work.

You tried breathing steadily only to break out into sobs a few seconds later. You let out gut-wrenching sobs that had been bottled up for too long now. Your throat was raw and your nose was red.

"Make it stop" You whispered to yourself. Were you being dramatic? Were you overreacting? You didn't know and you didn't care. Your sobs slowly died down but your hands were still clamped over your mouth trying to get them to stop completely.

After a few minutes, you went to wash your face. You noticed your eyes were red and your hair was not in a bun anymore but was now all over the place. You sighed and washed your face with cold water trying to remove any traces of that sudden breakdown. Besides, you just wasted around 20 minutes of your time, crying when you could have been working and finishing off your other essay.

You didn't care to change your clothes and sat back on your desk. You sighed and looked out the window again. The rain had died down and there was now just a cool breeze. A layer of mist had collected after the rain coating the trees and plants outside. Despite living in the city, your window faced a big green space. In the mornings there were usually only around 3 people at max, making it quite empty. At night it was even more serene and lonely.

You drew shapes on your windows while trying to think of a topic to write your essay about. Your second essay was supposed to be an analysis report about any experiment of your choice.

You chose to write about the expectancy-value theory.

The Expectancy Value Theory suggests that motivation for a given behavior or action is determined by two factors: (i) expectancy, ie, how probable it is that a wanted (instrumental) outcome is achieved through the behavior or action; (ii) value, ie, how much the individual values the desired outcome.

You scoffed as you read it. Lies. All you've been taught to do is the work you've been given in school. You didn't want to do it. You didn't find it interesting and you couldn't care less about failing if it was up to you. The only reason you were working was because school wanted you to. If you had the option, you would gladly stop. So no, the expectancy-value theory, in your mind was not correct, since for some people, ie. you, motivation didn't come from yourself, rather it came in the form of forced requirements from others. Others have high expectations and expect good quality work from you, but if you were given the choice, you would take care of yourself instead of focussing so much on your studies. The expectancy theory, in your mind, as false as the only thing influencing you to work was other people forcing you.

You decided that was the perfect thesis for your essay and began to write. Although the point of the essay was to discuss the findings of the experiment, you went in a different direction. You wrote your entire essay about disproving that stupid experiment. You didn't discuss the data results but instead countered them with your own data. After another hour or so of aggressive typing and writing shit about Martin Fishbein, you decided you were finally done and decided to finish off your essay. You were happy with the way it turned out, although it was certainly not what was asked of you.

You wrapped up your essay by simply restating your points and you printed that too. By this point, it was already 11 pm and although you weren't sleepy, you just wanted to get this over with and rest. Your final task for tomorrow was your music presentation. All you had to do was pick your favorite classical piece and write a bit about it.

Music was one of the only hobbies you liked. You took pride in composing and making music, however, your school had ruined it for you. The only things they made you do were to analyze pieces of music and discuss the elements of music and their implication. You never got to actually compose or make your own music so you started to dread it as a subject too.

You picked up the first piece that came to mind. Dvorak's 'Humoresque'. Wow, how original, you thought. You began to listen to the piece and understand it better. As a kid, this used to be your favorite piece. Now? It just feels bland. It doesn't feel the way it used to. You began scribbling a few quick points about the song before beginning your presentation.

After taking notes, you finally began working on your presentation. In total, it took around 4 hours to finish and it was exactly 4 am. You sighed and uploaded your presentation to a pen drive before packing up your bag for school.

You had to be up for school by 7 anyway, so you'd get 2-3 hours of sleep at max. You hopped into bed as soon as you were done, not caring about putting anything back or even changing your clothes.

Unfortunately, unlike you hoped, you weren't able to fall asleep as soon as your head crashed onto the pillow. Instead, your mind preoccupied with other things was way too clouded with stressful thoughts to let you relax enough to fall asleep.

You tossed and turned in bed as your stomach growled. You huffed and tried blocking out the feeling. You didn't regret skipping dinner, it was necessary to finish off your work. You sighed and closed your eyes, trying to sleep. You lied for at least 10 minutes simply doing nothing. You tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, but nothing worked. Your mind was simply too preoccupied to let you rest. you closed your eyes trying to calm yourself, only for your thoughts to go back to yesterday evening. You remembered the short conversation with your parents and how they seemed genuinely concerned. Did they know what was happening to you? They were your parents, after all, they probably figured something was wrong.

Thinking about your relationship with them, you felt guilty. You realized how your conversations were never longer than 5-10 minutes and you were always the one to cut them short. You didn't spend as much time with them as you used to, instead of dedicating all your time to studying.

All of a sudden, you remembered how they used to take care of you when you were a child. You remembered the first time they taught you how to ride a bike, your first day of school, and your middle school graduation. You can't remember the last time you all were together as a family and enjoyed yourselves. You were usually too busy and you regretted it.

Unconsciously, you sniffled, your eyes getting watery again. You huffed, roughly wiping and rubbing your eyes, embarrassed that all it took for you to get emotional was a few memories. You sighed shakily, trying to get your thoughts away from that, or else you knew you'd have another breakdown. Still not being able to fall asleep for another 45 minutes, you gave up.

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You got up and checked your phone, only to see that the time was 6:30 am. How perfect. You didn't bother combing your hair and tied a messy bun, too tired and too unbothered to even attempt to look decent. You hopped into the bathroom, brushing your teeth and grabbing a towel. You looked back into the mirror as you did yesterday during your mini breakdown. You had dark circles under your eyes, your eyes were red and your nose was tinted pink. You couldn't care less though.

You hopped into the shower and turned the temperature to max coldness, trying to wake yourself up to make yourself look less tired and well... less dead. You shivered at the temperature but bared it for the sake of looking slightly presentable and more awake.

You grabbed your soap and began to lather some on your hands. A few seconds later though, you felt a mild stinging sensation on both of your palms. You quickly washed away the soap as it was starting to burn and inspected your hands. Your palms. They were bruised and cut slightly. You stared at your palms and the crescent-shaped cuts on both of your palms. There were exactly 4 crescent-shaped cuts on each palm with a bunch of bruising around it. You realized it was from digging your fingernails into your palms yesterday. You did so in an attempt to stop crying but it didn't work. Oh well, now you have this to worry about as well, could your life get any worse? You made sure to carefully lather on the soap being wary of the cuts on your palms.

After you took a bath and got ready, you made sure to double-check that you had packed both your essays and the presentation pen drive. After confirming, you grabbed your backpack and hurried downstairs. Although you felt guilty for randomly rushing out during dinner, you didn't want to confront your parents. The nerves from your upcoming presentation were creeping up onto you and you were beyond terrified. You didn't feel hungry and didn't want any confrontation.

You quickly hurried down the stairs and avoided your parents' eyes. At this point, it had become regular for you to leave the house without a word. Your mom wouldn't bother too much since she knew you'd usually buy yourself something to eat at school itself. Or so she thought. It was a lie you told her a long time ago. Despite this, due to your unfinished conversation yesterday you feared they would come after you or confront you so you avoided them at all costs and rushed outside. Lucky for you, your parents didn't mind too much and carried on with what they were doing.

Outside, you noticed how the mist from yesterday had settled and was now fogging up the roads slightly. The mist collected on the grass on the side of the sidewalks in the form of dewdrops and you could smell the same earthy smell. You checked your phone once to get a glimpse of the time and realized you were quite early. Despite this, you still couldn't calm your nerves.

You gripped both straps of your backpack, not lifting your head. You stared at the ground kicking small pebbles along your way. The entire walk to school was quite uneventful and not too interesting. You mainly stayed on the same side of the sidewalk and luckily nothing came in your way. It was a 5-7 minute walk to school since you lived quite close to school and didn't see the point in wasting gas.

Once you reached your school, you tried ignoring everyone in your way, just trying to submit your essays. You were quite nervous and just wanted to remove some burden from your shoulders so submitting your essays early in the morning would be the best option. You rushed into the school building immediately setting your target on your science class that was a few floors up.

Fortunately, the hallways and stairways were mostly empty with just a few teachers and staff and maybe 5-7 students. That was one of the perks of being this early, you could get things done freely without being rushed by the students. You decided to stop at the principles office first, and then drop off your science essay.

You had to drop off your mid-term essay outside the principles office where a few teachers were collecting them. You made your way to the outside of your principal's office to drop off your paper. While walking there, the pace of your heart quickened, although you were simply dropping off your essay, something about being this close to the principles office didn't sit right with you. As you got closer you could feel the tingly feeling in your stomach, caused by the nerves. You carefully walked right in front of the drop-off desk and greeted the teacher. You were asked to fill in your name and the date dropped off, so you were handed a pen.

You were mindful not to let the pen put pressure against the cuts in your palm, but couldn't help but wince softly as the pen brushed against them as you picked it up. The teacher simply looked at you and you forced a smile. As soon as you dropped off your essay, you rushed away from there as soon as possible to a less scary area.

You made your way to your science class and dropped off your essay about expectancy value and took your seat in class. You were quite proud of the essay you wrote since you felt like you portrayed your opinion quite well. You also had science first period anyways, so you took your usual seat near the window in the front of the class and started to unpack.

You waited for at least 10 to 15 minutes before your science teacher came into class. He wasn't surprised that you were early since you usually came quite early. When you noticed he entered class, you immediately averted eye contact and looked somewhere else. In all honesty, your science teacher scared you.

All the other girls gushed over how he was just 5 or 6 years older than you and was handsome. You didn't see what they saw in him as you knew he had ulterior motives. You noticed the blatant sexism in class and how he always paid more attention to the girls, explaining it to them in detail while just brushing off the guys. You noticed how whenever everyone left class, he would stare at the exposed legs of the female students caused by the knee-length skirt that was a part of the school uniform. You noticed how he would favor the girls in general, letting them have their way, even letting them use their phones in class from time to time.

Although he hadn't made any advances, he was still really sleazy in general, and the very thought of him creeped you out. You didn't have too many personal encounters with him, just a few weird looks here and there, so you tried to avoid him as much as you could. When he noticed that you were not paying attention to him he sighed and collected his things. Usually, he would simply leave you alone, knowing school would start soon, but since the both of you were quite early he tried making conversation.

"Hey Y/n, Good morning!" He said all of a sudden. You whipped your head up, surprised that he was talking to you since he had never done so before.

"Hi" You hesitantly replied making sure to not seem too nervous, but also look a little busy so he would leave you alone.

"How's everything going? Are you feeling okay?" Although you knew he asked you that question simply wanting to ask you how you were feeling, you couldn't help but think to last night when you had a similar conversation with your parents.

"U-um, I'm fine, yeah, I'm good" You stuttered, diverting your attention elsewhere indicating you were done with the conversation.

He simply sighed and sat back down on top of his desk. He noticed that you had submitted your science essay/report and decided to read a bit of it before class started hopefully to give you someone on one feedback.

He picked up the paper and the rustling of the pages alerted you. You looked back at him only to notice that he was reading your essay. You felt nauseous and giddy all of a sudden. He wasn't supposed to be reading your essay now, especially in front of you. Your mouth got dry and you tried to calm yourself. You looked away so he wouldn't notice your stare as he continued reading for the next 2 or 3 minutes.

You looked back at him from time to time and noticed how his eyebrows were scrunched. You saw his somewhat disappointed expression and your stomach dropped. Was your essay not okay? Was he going to fail you? Your breaths got shallower and you looked around trying to calm yourself. All of a sudden, your science teacher spoke.

"Y/n, this was not what was asked of you" He stated matter-of-factly. You felt frustrated and embarrassed and your heart was in your throat. You tried clearing your throat to be able to speak. You looked back up at him, finally making eye contact, and gulped.

"I don't- I don't understand, I did what was-" You finally got out, only to be interrupted by him again.

"No, you didn't. It seems like you're disproving the experiment instead of proving it true. Meet me after class, we can discuss how to fix it." He stated, looking at you with a distressed smile. You forced back a smile and quickly looked away.

Eventually, students began to fill up the class and around 10 minutes after that dreadful conversation, the class had finally started. Unfortunately for you, you kept spacing out and couldn't pay attention to what was being taught due to your mind lingering on your stupid science essay. You began to think it was your fault. Maybe you hadn't studied hard enough? Maybe you just weren't smart enough? You put your head down and proceeded to bear the next 85 minutes or so, absentmindedly.

Luckily for you, your teacher hadn't called on you even once. He simply kept teaching and asking other students questions. You noticed how he tried to make jokes from time to time while all the girls giggled, and although your head was down, you knew he most likely had a smug smile on his face. You scoffed and kept getting lost in your thoughts. After what felt like an eternity, you finally through the class.

Now, it was time to finally confront your science teacher after class and you were not looking forward to it. You acted as if you were packing your bag so the other students wouldn't suspect anything. The last thing you wanted was for them to think you were spending time outside class with your science doing god knows what.

After everyone left, you sat back at your desk and waited for him to call on you, or notice you hoping, to get this over with as soon as possible. He grabbed your paper again and went through it again. You sighed and looked down. He slowly shifted his gaze towards you and ushered for you to grab a chair and sit next to his desk.

You huffed and picked up your chair dragging it to his desk. You plopped it down and took a seat on it. He sighed and brought his chair next to yours sitting on it as well. He began to explain that the experiment that he expected was a 'scientific' one with tangible results instead of a "social experiment" to quote directly. You huffed getting annoyed, how could he say that psychological studies weren't as valid? They were equally important. You sighed and looked away getting frustrated.

He wanted to explain it better, and went to get his pen that was next to you. Instead of asking you to give it to him, like a normal person, he rested his hand on your knee, reaching over to get it. On the outside, you kept your cool but inside you were freaking out. You glared daggers at his hand which was on your knee and didn't lift your gaze, as if staring at his hand was going to make him take it off.

Even after he reached over and got his pen, his hand was still on your thigh. He began to talk about some random experiment but you weren't paying attention. Why wasn't he taking his hand off you? You tried adjusting and moving your leg, crossing them over, to get him to let go, but his grip was firm.

"Hey, Y/n are you listening?" He clarified all of a sudden. You slowly pulled your gaze away from your knee and looked him dead in the eye. You glared at him, indicating you didn't want this. Despite this, he just didn't know when to stop, did he?

"Hey, calm down, what's wrong?" He asked sincerely. If only his actions reflected the same care, you knew he knew what he was doing. In an attempt to calm you down, his hand moved further up, grasping your thigh. You gasped and looked up at him with your mouth agape.

"Let go." You said sternly, you knew he was your teacher but he had to know his limits.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that, it's alright," He said, the grip on your thigh becoming tighter. No, this was most definitely not okay. Due to the thin fabric of your school uniform skirt, you could feel his hand completely. You scrunched your eyebrows in disgust as you tried scooting backward. He got up though, towering over your shorter figure. You tried pulling away only for him to grip tighter.

"I didn't do anything" He stated firmly, grasping your wrist. He held your wrist tightly, not letting go. You cowered under him, still trying to pull yourself away.

"You don't want this?" He asked shamelessly. You shook your head rapidly, tears stinging in your eyes. He scoffed, roughly releasing your arm. You sighed, instantly getting as far away from him as possible, grabbing your backpack. You quickly shoved your remaining stationery in the first zip you found and threw your backpack over your shoulder, rushing out.

As you were about to leave though you heard him speak up again.

"Do not speak of this to anyone. I'm afraid I will have to fail you for this paper" He said trying to make you feel guilty. You couldn't care less though, without looking back, you nodded your head and left the class.

You cleared your throat as it had closed up. You realized you were crying in the middle of the hallway, so you quickly rushed to the toilet. Luckily, no one saw you, but you still wanted to get away, to freshen yourself up. You splashed water on your face trying to forget what happened in class a few minutes ago.

After that terrifying incident with your science teacher, the rest of the day was quite uneventful. You eventually got through your other subjects including music, and your presentation was a disaster. You weren't able to pay attention to what you were saying since your mind was still in different places. You stuttered your words and kept repeating the same thing.

Your peers realized you were distracted and your teacher knew you were bothered since your presentations were usually quite clear and informative. Thus, this time, they decided to let you off the hook. You were thankful that no one commented on that crappy presentation and simply went back to your seat.

Since you had music for the last period itself you were able to call it a day right after. You decided to skip your after-school commitment since you simply had too much on your mind.

After that shitty day, you decided to try to get your mind off of it by taking a walk in the green space near your apartment. You knew that it would mostly be empty right now as it was a weekday and because it was almost 4 pm, meaning it would most likely rain again.

You were still 5 minutes away from home, so you decided to walk home to the green space nearby. The entire walk there was quite silent. You took this time to try to process and understand the emotions you were feeling. It was getting fairly chilly due to the cold breeze, wind, and mist blowing. You folded both of your arms, rubbing them up and down, trying to get rid of the coldness.

The walk was quite short and you reached there in no time. Since the green area was right in front of your apartment, you could see your window from it. As soon as you reached, you saw your car leaving the apartment. Peeking around the corner, you realized it was your car. Your dad must have just left to go see your grandparents. You tried to hide a little, just in case. If your mom saw you here she would be disappointed that you lied to your dad about meeting your teacher after school.

You found a bench that faced away from your window just in case, so no one from your apartment could see your face. By the time, you found a good spot and settled and sat down, it was around 4:30 pm. You didn't really have a reason for coming to the park. You simply wanted to get your mind off of school, the workload, the stress, and what happened in the morning, so now that you were here, you didn't know what to do. Fortunately, tomorrow was slightly lighter. You didn't have any assessments due tomorrow, but you wanted to check in with your peers to ask them what you missed in the after-school session today and revise that before tomorrow.

Other than that though, you didn't know what to do. Due to this, you ended up spacing out. You simply sat on the bench rubbing your knees from the freezing wind from time to time just staring into the abyss. Quite honestly, it didn't feel forced, awkward or uncomfortable, it felt... calming. You felt a lot of comfort in the fact that you could just take time to process everything. Your way of doing that? Sitting out in the cold breeze, staring at nothing, mind blank. It didn't feel like a waste of time and you definitely didn't regret spending your time gazing at the nature.

Ever since you were young, you had a habit of counting the birds in trees or on the ground. Today was no different. Now that you were out in the nature, it made it easier to count them. You didn't do it for any particular reason, it was just a way of coping and de-stressing. You sat for a good 2 hours just observing everything around you and not doing anything. This included counting birds, staring into nothingness, daydreaming, and spacing out. You were suddenly interrupted by a honking car nearby.

You checked the time and realized it was 6 already. You freaked out and instantly got up, picking your bag. You didn't even realize it had started to drizzle and your sweater/school uniform started collecting water in the form of small droplets. You grabbed your bag, slinging it over your back, walking home, which was just a minute away, right opposite the park. You looked around making sure nobody saw you. Although you quite liked sitting out and simply doing nothing, you could understand how other people might have thought you were absolutely crazy for sitting out and doing nothing for 2 and a half hours.

You sighed looking around. You didn't want to go home just yet and didn't have anywhere else to go. The rain started getting a little heavier and you just gave up, looking up at the sky. Your clothes instantly clung to your figure and you shivered at the coldness.

You decided to take a walk around the nearby neighborhood since you didn't have anywhere else to go. This was actually quite rare. You usually never had the time to come outside and think about your life or reflect on anything as you were always cooped up in your bedroom doing work.

You huffed, rubbing your hands together. By now, your hair and clothes were drenched and your face was covered in water drops. You decided to visit the Mapo bridge to view the Han river from above. Ever since childhood, it was one of your favorite places as you were able to see the Han river below you, the Yeongdeungpo district to your left, and the Mapo district to your right. It had always been a calming sight.

It would take around 10-15 minutes to get there by car from your house but since you didn't really have access to a car right now, you had to walk. You knew it would take at least 45 minutes to get there but you still didn't care.

Unlike the two hours you spent at the park doing literally nothing, this felt different. You thought about the events happening in your life over the past few days, weeks, and months deciding to reflect on them during your journey.

You thought about your parents. How they always welcomed you with open arms while you often gave them the cold shoulder. You felt guilty that was for sure.

You thought about your friends. You had no close friends and the ones you had were slowly starting to drift away. You hadn't sat with them or even talked to them in over 2 weeks.

You thought about your studies. How you always stayed up late doing homework and taking notes while it never paid out. Instead, your crappy work just got you in more trouble.

You thought about the incident with your teacher today. How he touched you inappropriately and gripped your thigh. You shivered, pulling your skirt down slightly.

Unconsciously, tears had started to fall from your eyes. Luckily it was raining so nobody noticed anything too out of place. Despite this, you definitely got some weird stares. At first, the tears were silent. Your face was stoic while tears poured out of your eyes. Eventually though, recalling the painful memories and feelings was too much and your eyebrows furrowed. Your bottom lip trembled as you tried to contain your cries. It started off as light whimpers and occasional gasps.

You rubbed at your eyes and felt yourself losing control. Your cries got louder and you had to clasp a hand over your mouth. At this point, you didn't really care about anything else in the world and were overwhelmed by pain.

You threw your backpack onto some random chair god knows where, and continued walking. No without your backpack you felt freer, and both your hands flew to your face, as you walked in the cold rain.

Meanwhile, you had reached Mapo bridge and began to walk across the pedestrian section. Since it was raining, almost no one was on the bridge and you could finally let your emotions out freely. Your gasps got louder and you let out a strangled sob. Your hands flew to your face trying to cover it up, only for it to be followed by more cries.

As you walked to the middle of the bridge, stumbling across your steps not paying attention to what you were doing. You read the signs on the bridge.

"많이 힘들었구나" (It must be very hard)

"잘 지내지" (How are you)

"파란 하늘을 봐 봐" (Look at the blue sky)

They were mocking you. It was hard, you were not okay and nothing could make this pain better. Your eyes unconsciously closed your eyes and you let out a string of sobs. You choked on your tears, covering your face with your hands sobbing into them.

You rubbed at your eyes but nothing would stop this pain. You looked up at the Han river and thought for a moment. You looked down over the railing of the bridge and noticed the drop.

This was your chance. This was your chance to let go of all your pain and finally be free.

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Yunho was out with his friends. It was a rainy day and he had just gotten back from practice. On rainy days such as this one, he would often simply go on a drive with Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung. They were the three that enjoyed the rain and loved going on long drives. Their building was in Mapo but they decided to take a drive over to Yeongdeungpo since they had the rest of the day off.

The Mapo bridge was actually quite empty today. There weren't any cars or any people on the bridge. Since this was quite a rare occurrence, they decided to savor the moment and drive slowly enjoying their playlist while listening to the rain.

Wooyoung was driving while Seonghwa and Yunho were in the back, eating snacks and Hongjoong was picking a playlist. After popping a gummy bear in his mouth, Yunho decided to look outside and observe the Han river. All of a sudden though, around a hundred meters in front of their car near the left railing, a moving figure caught his eye. He was surprised that anyone would be out in the rain at this time. As they got slightly closer he realized they didn't have an umbrella either. As the car got even closer he realized that the figure was a girl. Your hair was drenched and so were your clothes. He stared at you weirdly wondering what on earth you were doing. You simply slid down the railing sitting on the floor, sobbing your eyes out and Yunho's eyes widened. He realized you were crying as your entire body was shaking with sobs and your hands were over your face.

He suddenly felt the urge to help and spoke up.

'Woo, slow the car for one second" He whispered softly and Wooyoung simply looked back and Yunho shrugging. He obliged and slowed down the speed of the car. Yunho continued to observe you. He didn't want to get out of the car since it was raining and he didn't have an umbrella but continued to watch you.

He watched the way your hands came up from your face and you gripped the roots of your hair. He watched how you tried to cover up your cries by cupping your hand over your mouth from time to time only for your to cry harder as your eyes squinted shut.

While they were driving past slowly, everyone was minding their own business while Yunho was still staring at you. Hongjoong had realized how Yunho was giggly before and then became silent all of a sudden and decided to check up on him. Hongjoong looked up at Yunho from the rear mirror, only to find his gaze locked on something outside. Hongjoong followed his gaze and found you as well. He saw that you were crying and stayed silent not knowing what to do.

Yunho was still looking at you and didn't notice how his leader was now also intrigued. He noticed how you roughly rubbed at your eyes getting up. He thought that you were done crying and that this was just a mini breakdown. Besides, everyone had bad days and maybe your way of letting it out was crying in the rain. Hongjoong averted his eyes as he saw you get up, giving you some privacy while Yunho kept his gaze locked on you.

He noticed how you were now facing the railing and looking out at the river. All of a sudden though, he saw you take off your shoes and a sudden wave of urgency washed over him.

"Stop the car!" He yelled at Wooyoung, while everyone in the car visibly flinched at his sudden voice, looking at him with concern. Wooyoung abruptly stopped the car, causing everyone to jerk slightly. The door immediately flew open and Yunho ran out of the car not caring whether his clothes got wet. Seonghwa had gasped and scooted to Yunho's side, peeking through, looking at what was going on.

Meanwhile, Yunho's intuition was correct. He knew something was wrong and the second you took off your shoes, he knew what you were trying to do. After you took off your shoes, you firmly grasped the railing of the bridge, hoisting yourself up, to sit on it. You looked around you, making sure no one was watching, although you didn't care at this point. Your mind was made up.

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You slowly scooted to the end of the railing, your hand tightly gripping the railing. You looked down, all that was below you was a 60-foot drop and lots of water. You sighed out shakily and looked back one last time. Your hands slowly let go and you breathed in a deep breath of air. You looked up at the sky and let out a wave of sobs before pushing yourself off the railing.

You expected to immediately feel the cold breeze hitting you as you fell over the bridge but you didn't. Instead, you felt a strong force pulling you backward.

The back of your head roughly collided with the concrete ground of the bridge and you let out a yelp. You looked around you processing your surroundings. You expected to be in the water by now, taking your final breaths. Instead, you were still back on the bridge and you fell back instead of forward.

You looked around suddenly, gripping the back of your head wanting to know who or what the fuck stopped you from doing so. Although you were mad you couldn't help but cry.

You sat up on the ground, knees close to your chest as you covered your hands and sobbed. You let out such painful cries, guttural noises, filled with pain. You cried, each cry letting out more sorrow than the last.

Little did you know, someone was scanning all your actions on the side, not knowing how to process the situation that just happened. He just witnessed someone who almost committed suicide.

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The second, he realized you took off your shoes, he knew that you were going to jump. It was a common occurrence, especially on this bridge. His intuition was proven correct when he saw you hoist yourself onto the railing. You were going to jump.

His body was moving on its own at that point and kicked the door open, rushing out as fast as possible. He didn't care about his clothes or his very expensive shoes, keeping only one goal in mind. As you scooted closer to the edge of the railing his heart stopped. He sprinted to the railing as fast as he could, almost slipping along the way. He roughly wrapped his big arms around your waist and he yanked you backward. He fell back onto the bridge and let go of your waist, catching his won fall, while you simply fell backward with force.

As you broke down in front of him, he felt a stinging in his heart. By now, Hongjoong and Seonghwa had also stepped out of the car with an umbrella, a little more cautious as they stood near the car itself, giving you a little space.

Yunho decided to slowly make a move to check up on you. He called out softly, but you didn't hear him.

"Excuse me?" He asked carefully, bottom lip caught in between his teeth from nervousness. You couldn't hear him over the rain and your sobs and frankly didn't care about anything else but the overwhelming pain in your heart.

He looked around nervously, before lifting a hand. He hesitantly brought it closer to you, doubting whether to touch you. He was wondering if you'd be comfortable, but he really wanted to help. He resorted to gently tapping your shoulder with his hands to alert you of his presence.

The second you felt his touch you immediately flinched, not noticing another person's presence. You looked up at him, before clasping your hand over your mouth. Although you knew that it was futile at this point, you still tried your best to cover up your sobs. You let out a string of sobs before squeezing your eyes shut and muttering apologies nonstop.

You kept stopping yourself with your cries but continued to whisper apologies. Yunho's eyes widened as he rapidly shook his head. Why on earth were you apologizing to him? As you looked up at him he noticed how strands of your wet hair clung to your face, your swollen and red eyes as well as your pink-tinted nose. He knew you must have been crying for a long time as your eyes reflected nothing but pain as they were completely bloodshot.

"Hey, hey, hey, I've got you" He whispered as he started patting your back. You nodded as you scooted closer. At this point, you didn't care how you were acting, simply trying to process what was happening. You pulled yourself together trying to get words out.

"May, I lean on you?" You softly whispered, voice breaking in the middle. Yunho hesitantly agreed, opening his arms up for you. You broke down again. You knew that you had been crying a lot that day, and maybe you were overreacting a bit, but in the heat of the moment, you simply couldn't stop.

You leaned into his warm chest taking in his musky scent that was slowly being washed away by the rain as he slowly crept a hand up to your back, rubbing it up and down.

"I'm here, I've got you, You're alright" He whispered into your hair. He knew you weren't in the right mind, but let you have your way just for now. You scrunched his now wet hoodie in your smaller fists as you tried to regain your composure.

You pulled away from a little embarrassed and looked away, knowing very well that he had already seen you, so there was no point. Yunho scooted further a little embarrassed too.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly and you shook your head, looking back up at him. You were surprised to see that his nose was slightly pink and his eyelashes were glistening in tears too. You felt guilty and apologized, a little embarrassed.

"I'm sorry for upsetting you," You said all of a sudden, and he shook his head rapidly.

"No, please don't apologize. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be in to want to take your own life." He whispered the last part, still not wanting to agitate you. You nodded and backed away. Yunho suddenly then realized the situation he was in, it was raining and the coldness was starting to get to him, he couldn't even imagine how much pain you must have been in to completely feel numb to it.

"It's raining and it's cold outside, do you want to sit inside our car, we have a heater" He interjected all of a sudden. You got nervous all of a sudden not knowing how to respond.

"I- I- can't-, I'm not sure" You stuttered your words and he noticed your discomfort, trying to divert the topic.

"Do you have anywhere else to go?" He asked looking at you sincerely and you shook your head. You couldn't go home like this. You averted your gaze while he tried to come up with a solution that you were comfortable with. All of a sudden though, you spoke up.

"Where are you going?" You asked and he tried to come up with a comforting answer real quick, one that would convince you to go with them.

"We are just heading to Yeongdeungpo, would you be interested in tagging along?" He asked sincerely. Your grandparents lived there, and you knew they would welcome you without asking questions, so you could go stay at theirs if you wanted to, so you nodded your head.

"Are you sure?" He confirmed with you and you nodded.

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It was safe to say the car ride there was anything but comfortable. You were in a car full of strangers wherein 2 of you were soaking wet.

"What on earth were you thinking?" One of them asked you all of a sudden, and you noticed the male who was with you earlier glared daggers back at them.

"I- um, I didn't- I'm not-" You kept fumbling over your words.

"She's not obligated to answer that." The man from earlier said sternly. You mumbled a thank you and continued to look outside. A few more minutes of silence passed as he tried to break the awkward silence.

"I never got your name by the way," He said all of a sudden, and without looking back you answered.

"Y/n," You said, cutting the conversation short. You weren't in the mood to talk. The other male nodded and introduced himself and the others.

"Well, I'm Yunho, this is Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung" He pointed at them but you didn't look at them, simply nodding, facing the other direction. Through the side mirror of the car, you noticed the boy in the front, the one that had slightly longer hair in the back, and was significantly shorter, glaring at Yunho. You assumed they were not comfortable introducing their identities just yet and you were okay with that.

Most of the car ride was quiet. You let out occasional sighs and whimpers due to the cold but there were no other comments or conversations.

Halfway through the ride though, the boy from earlier, the one who asked you what you were doing on the bridge, Seonghwa, spoke up again.

"Are you okay though?" He trailed off at the end. The other three boys looked at him with wide eyes, presumably glaring, telling him off, when you suddenly cut those thoughts off.

"I don't know" You answered sincerely. In all honestly, nobody had expected you to speak up, so when you did, they were all ears. You sighed before continuing.

"Everything is just so hard on me" You sighed out, as your voice broke at the end of the sentence. You decided that was enough or else you knew you wouldn't be able to stop if you said more. Although your answer was somewhat ambiguous, they didn't want to pressure you.

They all just nodded trying not to make it seem like a big issue. You noticed how Yunho sighed silently next to you before scooting closer to you. This didn't go unnoticed by you. His knees made contact with your fingers which were on either side of you, on the seat, and you looked back up at him questioningly.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? I'm all ears, you don't have to worry about feeling vulnerable. In all honesty, it's best to let your feelings out. You seem like the type to bottle everything up, but you clearly have a lot on your mind, you can tell me if you're comfortable." He whispered sincerely, only of you to hear. You were still looking into his eyes, and unconsciously tears started welling up in your eyes again at the sincerity and care in his voice. You had never told anyone about your problems and this was your chance. A tear slipped down your cheek and you roughly wiped at it, scoffing softly.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me today" You let out a soft breathy laugh, but the both of you knew it was not funny. He looked at you sternly, faux anger on his face as he felt frustrated that you were treating yourself this way, frustrated that you were reducing yourself to an emotionless robot.

"Don't say that. Emotions are what make you human, you don't need to feel embarrassed." He said and you nodded, slowly scooting closer to him. He didn't mind. Although the proximity was making him a little nervous, he was trying his best to comfort you.

He decided to test the waters by putting his arm around you. He slowly and slyly snaked his arm behind your back, since you were leaning forwards and slowly made contact with the small of your back. When he noticed that you were comfortable with it, he tried putting a little pressure to pull you closer and you went with the flow. You leaned into him, with your head on his shoulder, as one of his arms was around you. You both needed the warmth anyways as you were freezing. It was silent for a bit before you decided to speak up.

"My science teacher molested me." You said breathily. His eyes widened as he tried pulling away from you. With this new bit of information, he realized that the close proximity of you two could be making you nervous. He wasn't able to pull away though since your back was flush against the back of the seat, and you didn't seem too uncomfortable so he decided to keep it there. He rubbed your back up and down urging you to continue.

"I don't- I'm not sure what I did wrong. I disproved the experiment instead of verifying it and he got mad." You paused and took in a shaky breath of air. At this point, your voice sounded pathetically weak and vulnerable but you knew only Yunho could hear you since you were whispering to him, so you had nothing to worry about. He just let out a hum into your hair as you continued.

"He called me to stay after class the discuss the paper and I stayed. I fucking stayed. I stayed despite knowing his sleazy ass would try to pull something on me. After all the students left he called me over to his desk..." You stopped yourself off as you felt your voice wavering. At this point, Yunho could feel his stomach doing flips just thinking about the situation you were in. The fact that it seemed like you were blaming yourself made him feel even worse. Nonetheless, you continued.

"He grabbed my knee and then my thigh and when I told him to let go, he didn't. He even had the audacity to ask me whether I wanted to go further. When I said no, he- he said I would fail. This is all my fault, what the fuck is wrong with me." You let out breathily into Yunho's wet hoodie. His heart broke when he heard you blaming yourself, you couldn't be further from the truth.

"Hey, please don't blame yourself. You have no reason to blame yourself, Y/n. You put your heart into that essay and he didn't like it because his narrow-minded brain couldn't accept new ideas. Furthermore, I'm sure he only used it as an excuse to hurt you. I'm sure your essay was great, and please don't blame yourself for him touching you. What he did was wrong and is all his fault." He paused finally, a little breathless from rambling. You nodded thinking he was done, only for him to continue speaking.

"I'm going to give you my number... Feel free to call me after today, I want to help you. I want to help you speak your side and arrest your science teacher for he did to you" You mumbled a soft okay as you leaned deeper into his embrace.

"I shouldn't feel like this" You suddenly said. Yunho had assumed the conversation was over when you told him about your science teacher but regardless he was ready to listen, no matter what it was.

"Why?" He asked sincerely, ready to scold you again for putting yourself down for having emotions.

"I have loving parents. I study at a good school. I usually get decent grades. I have 2-3 friends who I talk to sometimes. My family can afford the resources I need to feel content. Then why the fuck do I feel like this?" You asked more to yourself than Yunho and he knew this, but he had an answer.

"So?" He countered, waiting for a reaction from you but you had none.

"Even the most privileged people are not happy hun. Satisfaction and content come from within. You may have everything you need but still not feel satisfied with yourself. Is there anything about yourself that is bothering you?" He asked and you furrowed your eyebrows. What he was saying made a lot of sense...

"You- I-, I guess... I feel stressed all the time, and I'm not happy with the work I produce since I'm stressed and overwhelmed, but how did you know-"

"How do I know?" He interrupted you while you looked at him with wide eyes.

"Because I've felt the exact same way a few years ago." Now it was your turn to be shocked.

"I'm training to be an idol and I spent countless nights practicing my dancing and singing, but I never felt happy with my skills. I always thought I could get better, and that led to a sort of addiction. I stayed up late at our studio practicing and my sleep schedule was fucked up." You chuckled breathily at his word choice and how he let a curse word slip in. He noticed and smiled back down at you.

"When I finally understood and accepted the problem I got better. My mental health took a turn for the better and I was more proud of my accomplishments. Besides, I consider myself a decent singer now" He laughed at the end as you joined him.

"I'm proud of you for reaching your goal and bettering yourself," You said honestly as you patted his chest.

"I just hope I can fix myself one day too." You said honestly.

"I'm sure you will be able to. It takes time and perseverance, so please never give up. You're a beautiful, talented, and valuable person, never doubt yourself." He said and you nodded in his embrace.

That's where the conversation ended for now. The silence was not awkward at all. Instead, it was quite comforting as you had a lot to think about and process. Yunho's words definitely shifted the way you looked at life.

Yunho got a little more confident and trailed his arm upwards of your back and into your wet hair. He ran his hands through your wet hair as you scooted closer to him. He gently rubbed his hands across your scalp relaxing you. Despite him being a stranger, from the way he listened to you, saved your life, and comforted you, you knew he was someone you could trust.

Meanwhile, the boy in the front, Hongjoong looked through the rear mirror, looking at the position you and Yunho were in. He and Yunho suddenly made eye contact through the mirror, and Yunho got nervous, his eyes widening as he realized his leader had seen the position he was in, but that went away as he realized Hongjoong was smiling back at him with a soft smile across his face.

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Unknowingly, you had fallen asleep in Yunho's arms. When Hongjoong realized you fell asleep he patted Seonghwa's shoulder pointing to the two of you. You had fallen asleep on Yunho's shoulder, resting your head against it, while his head was on top of yours, also asleep. Seonghwa almost squealed when he saw the position you were in. They exchanged a few knowing looks before you finally arrived at your stop.

Yunho woke up before you and you were awoken by a messy-haired, still sleepy but smiley Yunho, ushering you to go outside. You got up, rubbing at your eyes as you looked around. You realized you were still in the car with all of the boys looking at you. You got embarrassed and quickly fixed yourself before shooting a confused look at Yunho. Suddenly, the man driving, Wooyoung, spoke up.

"I dare you and Yunho to go to 7/11 to get us snackssss" He playfully said and you smiled.

"Don't forget to get yourself a new pair of clothes too, you're soaking wet and probably cold. Although, I don't think that was much of a problem considering you were practically on top of eachoth- OOF" Seonghwa was cut off but Yunho roughly shoving his side. For the first time in the past week, you let out a genuine laugh and all the boys turned to look at you, as you bent over in laughter. Their eyes widened and Yunho swore it was the most melodious sound he had ever heard.

Feeling empowered and having a new perspective on life, you decided to go with the flow. Besides, you were given a second chance at life, you weren't going to waste it, moping around. You decided to make a change, and that change started today.

"Well big boy, are you coming with me or not?"

116 notes · View notes

ajaxwrites · 3 years

Text

Genshin Impact Fanfic Rec List

(because this is my most current obsession~~)

The Narwhal of Dihua Marsh by GreyLiliy

Childe hears of a strong Adeptus living at the Wangshu Inn. Despite warnings from Zhongli that fighting Xiao would be a deathly mistake, Childe seeks out the Adeptus living in the Dihua Marsh eager for a proper fight.

However, Childe severely underestimates his opponent, and the consequences of his actions may keep him from returning home to Snezhnaya.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: This fic is interesting primarily because it's not necessarily what you would call an easy story to read. The content can surprisingly get quite heavy as the relationship between Childe and Zhongli isn't healthy and it becomes increasingly obvious as the story progresses. You swing between wanting to separate the two and also desperately wishing that they'll work out because there is something there. The story snowballs from what seems like an innocuous, if stupid and rash, decision on Childe's part to a complicated mess that you can’t help but be enthralled in. I went in expecting your typical romance and ended up in something that was more complex than I expected but also beautifully thought provoking.

Entirely Out of Spite by Bgtea

"Welcome to a new user experience! You have triggered this interface with the keywords, ‘Stupid game! Stupid devs! I want my f*****g money back!’ You are now bound to the character Tartaglia, the Eleventh Harbinger of the Fatui, codename: Childe! We hope you have an enjoyable user experience and we welcome you once again to Genshin Impact 2.0!”

Those are some of the first words Ajax, starving college student extraordinaire, has the misfortune of hearing upon waking up in a brave new world from what he's fairly sure is a very, very fatal accident involving water and a shit ton of electricity.

Okay, so he's not dead. That's good. But what's this about him being stuck playing the character Tartaglia? Tartaglia, as in the shitty, one-dimensional, cartoonish villain who met his untimely, gruesome death in the first act of the original game?

Fuck that noise. Like hell Ajax is going to share that fate.

And so begins one man's journey to unfuck himself.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Whenever this updates, I squeal. If you’re a fan of The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System or just transmigration/reincarnation plots in general, you’re going to love it. Bgtea does a beautiful job in balancing humor with the trauma that comes with the whole reincarnation plotline. The whole of it is beautiful written and watching Childe/Ajax interact with the other characters (and the perspective of those characters) is a delight!

the sister by glassdrachma

The tragic and unexpected death of Zhongli-xiansheng of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor occurred to the sorrow of many and the deep skepticism of a few.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: glassdrachma has a gift for humor and romance. In short, Zhongli fakes his death for plot reasons and comes back as Jianlao, the bereaved twin sister. Shenanigans ensue, featuring overprotective Liyue-ians (?), chaotic gremlin Venti, and Kexing. Very light hearted, good for the soul.

The White Cicada Society by clementinesgulag

After his little brother is bundled back to Snezhnaya, Childe makes good on his promise to the traveller and takes the first boat out of Liyue Harbor. Any sense of homecoming lasts about as long as an uncooked steak in front of Xiangling, however, when his boat sinks, grounding him back in the mainland.

It's just as well, because the next morning, a body is found in the Northland Bank. A visit from a fellow Harbinger reveals a far more insidious plot than anything Childe could concoct with a god of the vortex and twenty minutes without supervision. The murders aren’t limited to the one Bank. They’ve been trailing down the Liyue border, getting closer and closer to the city. The Tsaritsa has a new mission for him: to figure out who, or what is targeting Fatui forces.

Against his best wishes, Childe is forced to see Zhongli again at the morgue. It becomes clear that he’s going to need a guide, and Childe resolves to quash his pride, and their differences to request his help to navigate Liyue and solve the case.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: A diamond in the rough that I slept on and then stumbled back to by accident. I had it marked for later on AO3 and forgot about it for like a good week to my utter self-disgust. It. Is. So. Damn. Good! The mystery is intriguing but I live for the realistic portrayal of the aftermath of the whole gnosis plotline. The betrayal, the bitterness, but ah, the sexual tension. The harbinger interactions in this fic make it gold though.

Lungs full of Roses by SecretlyACatLady

Childe had always assumed that he would die young. He had accepted that a long time ago, ever since he accepted the mantle of a Fatui Harbinger. However, he always thought that he would die in a glorious fight, his body broken but spirit relishing the strong opponent that had bested him. He was okay with that type of death.

Unfortunately, it seemed like Fate had decided to add one last insult to injury, because, here Childe was, dying because he had fallen in love with the ex-Geo Archon. The same Archon who seemed to have discarded him like an old toy ever since the Osial Incident. --- In which divine beings are cruel and a cursed Childe starts preparing for his inevitable death because no Archon could ever love a mortal.

…Right?

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: The fic that started it all for me, the one that sucked me into the fandom. This fic is heartbreaking. We always do love a hanahaki plotline but something about the way it frames the disease and the shame that comes with it...I highly recommend giving it a read. The angst is real I tell you.

The Bride of The Golden Dragon by Erika_Bee

“You’re to be sent on a special mission, Tartaglia.”

The young man’s eyes gleamed in interest. “How special?” He asked as he wiped the blood off his daggers.

His superior grinned. “Special enough to put your name in Snezhnaya’s history books.”

—

In which the Archon War ravaged the land of Liyue and to ensure the people’s survival, the God of Geo established the Harvester Contract: One bride per village, every year, in exchange for protection and a good harvest.

Or: Childe is sent on an undercover mission to kill the Geo Archon, but things don’t go as planned.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Don’t let the title scare you off--this isn’t one of those fics where they feminize one of the male characters and reduce their personality to a mindless submissive bobblehead to the point that I want to throw my laptop out of the window. Not that there’s anything wrong if you like that kind of thing, just not my cup of tea. This fic though---READ IT! There’s just something refreshing about the writing and the plot, the way that Childe’s character reads off the page. I live for the interactions between the characters and how the author has mapped the relationships. Warning that recent chapters have swerved decided into NSFW territory though.

the brothers grim by izabellwit

Left in an unfamiliar land with a mission he never wanted, a young Kaeya lies, survives, and somehow finds a family in the process.

Or: How Kaeya came to Dawn Winery, and why he left it. Includes lore, sibling bickering, found family struggles, and a more in-depth look at the years between Kaeya’s arrival and Crepus’s death.

Ships: N/A

Notes: Ahh, little Kaeya. Cheeky ass little shit that’s too angsty and adorable for his own good. I don’t have words for this fic. It makes my heart warm but also makes me want to weep because god, this fic covers exactly how traumatic Kaeya’s situation is and why child soldiers/spies just shouldn’t be. And the dynamic he has with Diluc and Crepus--do me a favor and read it. Screams found family.

the wind through the mountain tops by glassdrachma

Boredom brings Barbatos of Mondstadt to bother a certain ex-Archon of the Earth.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: A light-hearted, humorous and fluffy as hell piece. Short word is that Venti comes to Liyue for some fun, causes chaos, accidentally plays matchmaker, and steals some vegetables. A get-together fic for Childe and Zhongli that includes a surprisingly self-aware (if blunt and snarky) Zhongli and jealous Childe that gets increasingly flustered.

melt (speak or forever hold your peace) by anatakana

Falling into bed with Diluc was an unbelievably bad idea given their tumultuous shared history, but Kaeya’s impulsive urge to amuse himself knew no bounds.

It’s all fun and games until emotions got involved.

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

Notes: THIS IS NSFW. With plot though? This is THE FIC that got me shipping the two (though the game did a good job on its own). The angst is real here and we love the sheer gal of both of these two stupid men.

Cascading (In a good way) by Hubbleablubble

Kaeya is a fascinating annoyance.

(Or: A series of events in which Albedo gets to know Kaeya, and they slowly go from strangers to acquaintances to something more.)

Ships: Albedo/Kaeya

Notes: Sweet fic. Not my typical ship pairing. Loved the Khaenri’ah mentions. Kaeya is Trans FTM here though it’s only briefly mentioned. There is also an incomplete sequel (as of May 2021) featuring an Overprotective Big Brother Diluc on a warpath giving shovel talks to everyone except apparently Albedo that’s also worth reading.

The Language of Flowers by Jules (Penwyn)

Kaeya Alberich has made a habit of lying—after all, the only truths he’s ever spoken cost him everything—but there are only so many lies a man can tell before the truth comes spilling out.

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

Notes: Hanahaki! Except not! Basically, Kaeya pukes up flowers that say the truth whenever he lies. Cue, angst! Lovely and quick read--love Kaeya’s voice here.

i know i'm where i'm meant to go by paperclips (pastel_paperclips)

"Childe," Zhongli says suddenly. "I am enjoying myself greatly."

Childe’s face breaks into a grin. "Then-"

Zhongli gasps, grabbing his wrist and tugging him over to an unsuspecting peddler with a cart full of rocks. "Is that an intrusive igneous pegmatite formed in the Inazuma regions?"

Childe’s grin smooths into a small, adoring smile. He has all the time in the world to figure the other man out.

OR: Finding the Geo Archon is on Childe's to-do list but hanging out with Zhongli is significantly more fun.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Childe, you idiot. Humorous and funny, very light hearted. Makes you wonder if Childe has an IQ. He’s too busy pining/lovesick to realize that he told his target that he’s going to kill him for his gnosis. Zhongli and Liyue remain confused on how Childe still DOES NOT get it but half-ass hiding his Archon status anyway.

the bird without wings by Anonymous

"Kaeya!" someone yells. Small arms wrap around his waist tightly, red hair spilling out of the ponytail, and Kaeya's heart almost stops.

He's talked his way out of all types of situations. From placating international disputes to buttering up his informants, he's always had a quick response to everything.

But for once, Kaeya is speechless. He stares down at the boy with puffy cheeks, slightly crooked teeth and sparkling bright eyes.

Eight year old Diluc beams back.

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

Notes: Diluc gets de-aged and Kaeya gets angsty. The interactions between the two are heartwarming and will induce tears. Childe makes a brief appearence that *chef’s kiss*

call me "lover boy" by Anonymous

Zhongli turns back, eyes bright with amusement, a stray lilypad still stuck in his hair, and Childe thinks, wow. I want to kiss him stupid.

Childe's not into the whole "swooning maiden patiently waiting for his beloved to swoop down and smooch the daylights out of him" thing. Nah, that's not his style. He's Tartaglia, eleventh of the Fatui harbingers, and he's going to kiss Zhongli right now.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: FUNNY AS HELL. Childe is straight up just trying to plant one on Zhongli but fate and people just keep interfering. It’s a weird trope aversion where the character is actively trying to confess rather than avoiding it but life gets in the way.

springtime in snezh-nya-ya by miaomaomei

Tartaglia’s body moves before he can even think about it. He arches his back and flattens his ears against his head, baring his teeth in a hiss. Considering he barely even reaches Scaramouche's knees — Scaramouche, of all people! The guy is practically the size of a fourteen-year-old — he doubts that he is cutting as imposing a figure as he hopes.

It isn't a surprise, though. No one could become a Fatui Harbinger if they were scared of a little cat.

Tartaglia is turned into a cat and he goes to Zhongli for help. It goes about as well as expected.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: TOO ADORABLE FOR WORDS. This is just pure fluff I swear. Love how Childe is written and the interactions between the two are just ahhhh. A balm on the soul.

Melt by tanktrilby

“My name is Diluc,” he says. A scowl naturally furrows his brow, and Kaeya looks like he wants to laugh.

He’s looking at him through his lashes again, blue eyes teasing and warm. “Diluc,” he says. “A knight in overalls isn’t quite where I thought my preferences would lie, but here we are.”

(or: Kaeya loses his memories and makes some assumptions. Diluc can't honestly tell him that he's wrong.)

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

Notes: As the summary says, Kaeya loses his memories. Diluc plays babysitter for plot reasons. Meanwhile, Kaeya freaks out and has an essential crisis because his instincts freak him out which = angst. Simultaneously, sort of love confessions?

you are cordially invited by ktenologious

When the Traveler receives a mysterious invitation from a Snezhnayan businessman, they seek out help from the only Snezhnayan they are on good terms with. They decide it is a wonderful idea to go to this business party in the middle of the ocean because, well, what could be better entertainment than watching a Fatui Harbinger at work? It is too bad Childe couldn't come with them...

Meanwhile, the Tsaritsa needs someone to track down the source of a brand new drug at a party on a cruise; it just so happens that she has two Harbingers who specialize in causing chaos and sinking ships. Scaramouche is a sadist and loves this, and Tartaglia... Well, Tartaglia just wants to know why is he the one in the dress again.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe, sort of Diluc/Kaeya & Scaramouche/Childe

Notes: Features a crossdressing Childe and Kaeya for plot reasons. Funny as hell. Love Fatui dynamics/interactions. Highly recommend. Go read it. I’m serious. It’s so beautiful, I can’t. Also Zhongli is so love-sick and jealous, it’s hilarious.

The Road to Snezhnaya by paranoid_fridge

Everything's done and over. Now, Zhongli only needs to adjust to living like an ordinary mortal. Or that is what he thinks until a familiar face shows up in Liyue. Teucer comes looking for his brother who failed to return to Snezhnaya on the Fatui ships. And as Childe's declared "friend", Zhongli must help Teucer find him.

Or: Teucer drags Zhongli on a cross-country goose chase looking for Childe. Zhongli just happens to find a bit more along the way.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: I have no words for this fic outside of the fact that it is clear that Teucer has the only functioning brain and should be Best Man because he obviously did all the work here. Features an oblivious Childe and overprotective Zhongli, plus bystander Kaeya that is getting allll of the gossip. And also the most destructive group of children ever.

basket of knives by oronine

“I just want to be loved,” Childe says to himself, to whoever is listening. “Is that too much to ask?”

They are on the roof once more, this time Childe’s foot touches the edge of the building as he daydreams of something that cannot be. The sky is blank and cloudy and perhaps Lumine fears it’ll all end when he takes a step.

“Not at all,” she says. It’s still the truth.

Contrary to popular belief, Childe hates his family but loves them all the same.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: TW for suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, self-harm, depression, etc. Not a light read by any definition. Set in a modern AU, not in the genshin impact universe. Features a Childe that is Not Okay, good friend but also probably traumatized friend Lumine (and her brother Aether), and Zhongli. Family dynamic is messed up as hell and explores mental health quite well in my opinion. I’m not sure how healthy necessarily Childe’s relationships are but I think that’s a given considering the context and how derailed his mental health is in this fic. Definitely angst as heavy, made me tear up quite a bit. Read, but pay attention to the content/trigger warnings as it does get quite explicit.

Bane of All Evil by tzitzimeme

When Chongyun unintentionally offends Liyue's second most powerful adepti, he vows to mend the thorny relationship between Adeptus Xiao and human exorcists-- even though no one has succeeded in currying Xiao's favor for over a thousand years.

His best friend Xingqiu offers to come alone, mainly because he's worried about what kind of trouble Chongyun will run into. Along the way, they receive help from others: Xiangling packs them meals for their journeys, while Zhongli gives them advice on what demons to track.

Childe is just there because he thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

Ships: Chongyun/Xinqiu

Notes: JFKLFJS I LOVE THIS. I love Chongyun’s characterization and the interaction between all the characters. The dynamic between Chongyun, Xingqiu, and Xiangling are to die for. Also, this line: “Stuck-up Persnickety Bastard.” Random note but Xiao throws Chongyun off a balcony yet is also 100% a softie.

Talks about Nothing by tzitzimeme

In which Zhongli unlocks the Memory of Dust, only to find out:

1. Guizhong is 100% alive (just disembodied) within it, 2. Guizhong has been watching over him this whole time, and 3. Guizhong is very excited by the prospect of Zhongli getting a cute Snezhnayan boyfriend.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe, Venti/Xiao

Notes: The pure judgment that Guizhong unleashes on Zhongli (as well as her sass in general) is pure comedic gold. The dynamic between Xiao and Venti are also adorable. Meanwhile, Childe misunderstands and also just wants to know what the fuck is going on.

xi wangmu by tzitzimeme

Xiangling scales entire mountains to satisfy the palettes of her two pickiest customers.

(Or, two men who are emotionally stunted by their own immortality inadvertantly turn an overly enthusiastic chef into their messenger pigeon.)

Ships: Zhongli/Xiao (?)

Notes: Not sure if it reads romantic exactly, can definitely be read as platonic. The fic boils down to Xiangling trying to expose Xiao to variety because just eating plain almond tofu is a no no. Zhongli gives advice/uses Xiangling as a messenger pigeon. Backstory is explored!

Falling (Fallen) by asinglecrow

It’s only when Childe finds himself in front of Zhongli, a spear protruding from his stomach, that he thinks oh I might have fucked up.

Or: The worst (best) day of Childe's life.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Funny and lighthearted! Gets sort of NSFW with passing mention of mpreg but otherwise, it’s just pure humor/fluff. Get-together fic featuring deadpan dragon Zhongli and Childe that is just done with everything.

the louvre by morisuke

Here in Liyue, the air is filled with the ocean, and the sun shines through the mountains like it’s flowing through a crack in the sky. Here in Liyue, there is a man with no wallet at a vending machine that is going to waste the rest of his day showing a stranger around their school campus for a pocket sized can of iced coffee.

It’s interesting here in Liyue, Childe thinks.

Where Childe flirts with a stranger at a campus vending machine.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Set in a modern/college AU. This is a relatively quiet, soft kind of story. Childe comes to Liyue because reasons and falls in love quietly. It’s more of a snippet of life type of fic that’s sweet and peaceful. Love the change that comes over Childe as he finds a home.

#genshin impact #genshin impact fanfic rec #fanfic rec #rec list #zhongli/childe #childe/zhongli #tartali #diluc/kaeya #luckae #fanfiction #i have very obvious ships i know #not all my recs but a couple of my favorites

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hickeys-dickey · 3 years

Note

Pls share your thoughts about the gays in THAT scene… I would love to read them!

Ahh you are too kind, I am but a little swiss cheese brain but I'll try my best to sum up my thoughts, I have too many! I wanted a chance to grab some screenshots too! I'm going to put a read more because this is a long one buckle up lads.

So obviously the whole punishment for Hickey is designed to humiliate him (I would imagine this is one of the reasons his punishment isn't explained to him, because if Hickey truly was a naval petty officer he would know, and I think it's another way for Crozier to essentially say "I see you" and not in a good way). The fact we're not shown the other whippings shows the importance lies in the scene with Hickey.

I've seen a bit of discussion about his charge of "dirtiness", which isn't listed initially when we see him being questioned by the Captains, and whether or not it alludes to homosexuality but on a quick cursory search it does seem to have been used as a euphemism where an outright accusation of sodomy would mean a death sentence. The way Crozier throws it out there, no doubt to heap the humiliation onto Hickey and add crimes to the list to cover the fact he added lashes on to the punishment essentially for a bruised ego (but that's another matter), suggests a whole lot of venom to the accusation. Hickey's pointed look at Irving and Irving's quick shift of his gaze down suggests they both know exactly why Crozier has listed this among Hickey's list of crimes, and Hickey looks furious for it.

But I think this is also ultimately where the panic begins to set in. Again, there are far greater minds than me who have made excellent posts about queer coded characters in the terror, and I think it's no surprise that most of them are the faces that are focused on in this scence. It is clear long before this moment that Crozier's leadership is lacking, and people have already begun to voice concerns fairly loudly. Tozer for one is livid in the wake of Heather being injured, and the marines have clearly started distancing themselves from both the officers and the men. I feel like this scene, for a lot of characters is a point of major shift in either allegiences or character.

Tozer and the Captains are the first faces that are panned to in this scene and I think the expressions speak for themselves.

Tozer is visibly upset/concerned after the first lash. I do think guilt probably has a part to play, in that is was him whole told Hickey where Silna was, and presumably approved enough of the plan to not rat him out to anyone. Again, very probably part of Tozer's anger at Heather being injured due to what he sees is Crozier's poor management. Fitzjames is stoney faced, but is also the only one looking. As a man who many have noted pushes himself to pick emotional scabs, I think it would make sense for someone who is also notably queer coded and stuggles with trauma to make himself look directly at someone being whipped for a crime he himself might commit. Crozier isn't even looking, whether out of suddenly doubting his harshness or simply triggering something in his own memory it's not clear. I think the end of this shot also speaks for itself.

(Fig 1. Three Concerned (very likely not straight) men contemplate)

The lads at the back behind Mr. Johnson are all looking Directly At the whipping as it is taking place. Interestingly none of the men at the front near the table are looking. This is the stewards, officers, and marines. Whether out of respect or also Concern at their own skins (I think every one of these characters has been addressed as being queer coded at some point, minus the marines who are all, except Tozer, fairly nameless characters).

I'm not a gifmaker which is unfortunate for this section, though this is what is gifed in the beautiful gifset by sashneeka I reblogged (x). Tommy is also visibly upset, whether because he knows Tozer was involved in the plot to kidnap Silna and is concerned for him and any of the rest of the crew who had assisted in someway or voiced support. Billy interestingly does look briefly, and sets his jaw after in a way that suggests he's trying to fight the guilt of being the one to tell Irving about the whole affair with Hickey to paint himself in a better light. It could just as easily be Billy there on that table being lashed, but he somehow rationalises it in his head (probably because Hickey is a little bastard) that he was right in what he did. He does look down fairly guiltily after this, so maybe he hasn't quite settled on an opinion. Jopson also looks incredibly concerned/unsettled, and interestingly looks at Hickey right up until the whip hits where he flinches, and not for the only time in this scene. From what we know about Jopson's past, though not at this point, it may well be he is remembering similar punishment/mistreatment and like Fitzjames looks enough to pick the scab open and flinch from his own trauma.

The closeup of Hickey shows the full extent of his rage and humiliation building, and as I think Adam himself said, they whipped something out of Hickey that day and let him reach this potential that lay inside him (to become an even bigger bastard). He's fully severed all ties and feelings of loyalty after this and it becomes full on train to manipulation station from this point. I have a lot of Thoughts about Hickey also (which I am sure you are all aware of) but I think there was some semblance of Hickey attempting to start afresh on this journey, or at the very least keep his head down and go unnoticed. The trouble is, he notices Crozier as a flawed man, and one not from the upper classes like himself, and his ego can't help but think we're not so different, that could be me with the right connections. Well surprise lads, its murder time now and he's gonna make this old man pay for not recognising initiative but punishing it. I do wonder if Crozier wasn't booze sick and rattled from losing even more men under his command, would he not have come down so harshly for someone clearly defying the Articles to do what he thinks is right and save the men (a la Crozier and his fuck you I'm directly contradicting an order and leading this rescue party myself).

Tozer gets another wee closeup here and again looks like he has resolved something in his head too. Most likely that he thinks Crozier an unfit leader, and admiring Hickey for having the balls to do what he did (Hickey also never reveals anyone else who came with him, and when he talks about Hartnell and Mason's part in taking Silna it highlights their skill and bravery and (he thinks) commends them to the Captain. It's probably the only time we see him building up and applauding others). He looks dead ahead here and seems to have a very steely gaze, like yep fuck it looks like I'm going it alone now. It is interesting that Tozer goes from this to notably disliking Hickey (both at the start and when they are packing up - "you've just given me an excuse to give a big shove". This might be anger at Hickey having caused all the issues with Silna after the fact when Heather gets killed at Carnivale), but still follows him in the end. Hickey has the ability to kill, manipulate, steal, basically do whatever needed for their group to get ahead, which means Tozer can be part of the group and not have to dirty his own hands. I think Tozer probably has a complicated relationship with Hickey, but he does fall for the charm hook, line, and sinker, and the fact he seems concerned for him here suggests how easily he is sympathetic to those he sees as being wronged.

Gibby getting Hickey's blood on his hand (ayy) seems to visibly make him blanch, and I do find it interesting that the shot then pans to Tommy as though they are looking at each other when they are stood side by side. The similarities between them maybe? (I've seen and reblogged a lot of discourse about Tommy loving Tozer, maybe another nod to no one being so different to the man on the table?) Irving doesn't get much of a close up in the rest of this scene but bless him he looks equal parts terrified and guilty (another man who has been noted as having a list of many things to distract from the Gay Thoughts like why do you need to distract from Gay Thoughts Irving?). He also has the Far Off Look of trauma about him, probably because he too could just as easily be on that table.

I have many many thoughts about the way Hickey turns to look (and fucking smile???) at Crozier next, which is when Crozier is looking directly at him and Fitzjames looks at him. Like if I were Crozier I think my fucking blood would chill, look at this man. Being humiliated and lashed still hasn't broken him, if anything he has just become fully unhinged and looks at Crozier as though to say "did you really think this would work?". I would also say, this man has fairly quite for someone who is at this stage something like 22 lashes in? Like what the actual fuck Hickey?? I fully belive Hickey to be a psycopath, and most of what he does in the beginning of the series is an attempt to stay hidden until they get to Hawaii and he can ditch the crew, but I think it is fairly safe to say he isn't hiding it any more.

And he knows this is going to make the men doubt Crozier - I can't do a proper search because I am using my work laptop atm, but I seem to remember reading that a punishment greater than 12 lashes required a court martial (probably why Little steps in to say so when Crozier orders his punishment as well as them technically being lost at sea), which would be another strike against him as a Captain. Not only that, but Crozier does seem to grant him some mercy in letting him only be lashed I think 23 or so times? Probably because the tension is fucking palpable in this whole scene and Crozier can either choose to claw back some sense of control on the matter, or deal with the consequences of many people admiring Hickey for what he has done for the crew and start a mutiny. I think this is the first time Fitzjames sees the damage Crozier is doing to himself with his choices as Captain, and is probably just as concerned at the look Hickey is giving him. He knows this has unleashed something in this tiny rat bastard too, and that he will become the physical manifestation of Crozier's self-destructive tendancies. Crozier perpetually comes to everything just a fraction too late to change anything - he never saves any of the men, only comforts them as they die, and a lot of this has to do with his own ego and bad decision making, and I think this is the first example here of the fact his actions are having an effect on others to the point it will be his downfall.

Anyway, to round it off, I think this scene really epitomises the notion that Hickey is a mirror to the rest of the men, and they see their flaws in him. Those who have questioned Crozier's captaincy look concernced knowing they too could be being lashed. They too would have tried to get Silna to stop the Tuunbaq hunting them. Those who are queer or queer coded know they too could be being lashed for it. Crozier himself sees his unwillingness to follow the Articles in him, sees his own insubordination, and feels what Sir John meant when he said his position afforded him deference. Hickey may as well be a metaphor for all the men being lashed, theres not one among them who haven't voiced wanting to do what he has done. Let them without sin and all that. This is make or break for who holds loyalty to the Captain, and the turning point for who is going where. I think everyone except Jopson, Irving and Fitzjames ends up in the mutineers camp, and Irving ends up killed and mutilated by Hickey and Fitzjames is scavanged by them. Theres not one of them that isn't haunted by what happened in this scene, and Hickey would end up being the death of every single one of them. The only one who remains loyal after this is Jopson, who thinks his care and duty to the Captain can outweigh his other sins. Fitzjames and Crozier have a stronger relationship once he recovers from his withdrawal, yes, but Fitzjames also keeps him in check now (I'm thinking of Edward Little being threatened with flogging again because of course I am), and it is another step too late for Crozier's self-destruction. I've seen a Hickey/Fitzjames Christ analogy on here before too, so I hope you'll forgive me in comparing them, but Hickey in this scene really does get punished for everyone else's crimes in this scene, and becomes a sort of Christ-like figure, reborn as a complete version of the worst of himself from the pain of being lashed. They whipped something out of him!! Anyway, that about sums it up!

#long post #thank you for asking I could talk about the nuances of the terror for days #hickey thoughts

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loverabbitss · 3 years

Text

Bury Me In Bliss (Prt 1)

Y/N P.O.V.

I grew more and more upset with hearing my husband rant about how the resort we were staying at didn't have shrimp cocktails. Mind you we were on our honeymoon so all I wanted to do was relax and enjoy ourselves. But all that I have experienced has been him doing work as if he isn't on vacation and him complaining. It had me wondering if I had made the wrong decision, but I loved him dearly.

"I'm going to the pool to relax babe." I announce to him as I gather my things into my bag.

"mmhm yeah baby enjoy" he responds without even looking up from his laptop.

I glance at him after I've finished making my bag. He didn't even flinch to try to come with me; I roll my eyes. Work seems more important to him then our relationship, whatever, I just needed to get away from this atmosphere.

Walking out of the hotel suite we shared I feel the breeze of the nearby ocean hit me as I decide to take the stairs today. It gave me time to really experience life and indulge myself in it. Once I make it downstairs passing by the front desk the clerk greets me telling me to have a nice day. I smile thanking her as I set out to the pool.

As I start walking I find that I can't find my way to the pool even though I was following signs. I make a turn going into a secluded walk way covered by walls of wild flowers on each side. I stop pulling out a pamphlet I packed in my bag before I left our room. From where my location was it seems I wasn't far from the resort's pool. Without realizing it I was unconsciously walking and reading. However, soon I bumped into something or someone.

"Omg I'm so sorry" I quickly try to apologize glancing up.

"Are you lost babygirl?" She says.

Oh I was lost alright. I was lost for words, sentences, even a simple smile to be polite couldn't be conjured up. She looked like someone out of a movie, someone you wouldn't normally see in real life. Her jet black shiny hair flown down her back as beautiful tattoos dawned her arms. She wore a white bottom skirt and a black bikini top that her big breasts toppled over in. I had to snap myself out of my thoughts before I looked more weird just mesmerizing her.

"N-no I'm good thank you" I respond looking to the ground to avoid those strong brown eyes that seems to swallow me whole.

I look back to see if anyone is behind me because this walk way was pretty small and seemed to be an area that people would come through or at least for my bikini bottom's I hope so. Turning back around I prepare to scurry off to my destination, but when I look she is no where to be found. It was as if she was never there, more of a figment of my imagination. I chuckle softly to myself before continuing on my way.

Once I make it to the pool I smile at seeing families playing having fun doing, couples enjoying one another, and then there's me. I was all alone on a honeymoon that was supposed to be spent with my workaholic husband. Laying down one of the lounge chairs I find the prefect shaded areas. After prepping my areas I lean back with my glasses on reading. Lover's Delight, was the perfect book, two lovers from totally different background find love between a rock and a hard place. Oh and it surely helped that the intimate scenes were very detailed.

I got lost in the book and didn't realize it was time for the pool to close. How didn't I hear the sound of splashing and laughter diminish. Looking around there was only about two crew members cleaning one of which had yell out to me about them closing soon. I get up packing up sighing, it had turned dark outside so the resort had tikis lite around almost every area.

The sound of the waves from the ocean front that wasn't too far was so soothing. I was in paradise and yet my mind still wondered to that beautiful women whose accent sent chills down my spine. I shouldn't have such a reaction towards her, when I've never met or seen her a day in my life. My daydream was broken by a shuffling sound that raised the hairs on my skin and gave me goosebumps. I was by myself, stupid Y/N.

I started to speed walk as the sound got louder. Once I turned a corner there stood two big buff dudes that looked like security guards and a shorter dude in the middle. He was covered in a nice designer silk shirt with black slacks on with a tooth pick leaning out mouth. He reeked of coach cologne, which I only knew because that's what I bought my husband for his present, My husband! My mind switched thinking what he must've been thinking where I was especially by this time.

"Your going to need to come with us ma'am" his rasp thick voice cut my ears.

I clear my throat fear seeping into my bones.

"No, I have to get back to my husband. So if you will excuse me" I say as I try to walk around them, but then am blocked.

"I wouldn't refuse if I were you. See we've talked to your husband already he doesn't mind one bit for you to come speak to my niece." He responds walking closer to me.

"Your niece? Why would I want to speak to her?" I ask backing away slowly.

"Well it's not so much you wanna speak to her as she really wants to speak to you. Which I can see why" He responds reaching his hand out to me.

I look down at it, it seemed to be my only ticket out of this seeing as my prick of a husband allowed for this to happen. A divorce was so going to be in the works for sure. It all happened so fast, accepting his offer they whisked me away someplace unknown. But oh boy was it beautiful, light shined bright on the outside making the golden beige walls show. Gorgeous bright flowers spread across the land, which could have been easily an acre or two. We pull up to the brick covered curved drive way, one of the buff guards helped me out.

"Welcome home" The persistent uncle laid his hand out to the house.

I raise my eyebrow shaking my head.

"I have a home already and this isn't it" I slightly bark at him.

The smug look on his face spoke volumes about how he didn't like my remark. I could tell my defiance against wanting to come was eating at him by the shift in his demeanor. Instead of responding he just walks away and the buff securities give me a light push to follow.

Soon a man with more guards comes rushing towards him. Geez are they all buff here. This man looked totally different from the uncle. His skin wasn't covered in tattoos and compared to the uncle's olive complexion he was much paler almost as if the sun completely forgot about him. Clear glasses sat upon his button nose and he looked flushed or anxious to speak to the uncle.

"Sir D'Angelo, your niece has been waiting your arrival. She's been getting very upset since you left." He says as he walks along side the uncle or Sir D'Angelo I should say.

He sighs heavily.

"I apologize, I had trouble getting whomever this is to her to come along." He scoffs.

"Nothing, I'm nothing to her." I call out rolling my eyes.

It was bad enough I had to be here despite my stupid husband agreeing to this whole ordeal, but then I had to here this guy's mouth? Yeah no.

The two men started to drift off into a conversation about what seemed to be family matters. From what I picked up by listening is that this niece of his was the next in charge since her father has passed and apparently she is quite the talk of a lot of people. Apparently not though because I've never heard of her.

We arrive at the front door and the securities make quick work of opening the doors for the three of us. If the outside wasn't impressive then the inside stole the show. Antiques, expensive cloths, and delicate furniture surrounded the parts of the house that I saw.

"Ahh my guest has arrived" I hear a thick familiar accent, it can't be.

There's no way it was her, she was just a figment of my imagination. The way she disappear earlier was too fast for even me. I turn towards the direction of her voice and there she was, she was real. Clad in a black and gold silk button up that had two buttons loose to showcase her chest with white pants that made the shirt the main event she stood tall. She easily hovered over me and as she walked up a smirk covered her face.

"Hey there babygirl" she spoke again.

There goes that word again, that word that sent chills down my spine. Her coming closer to me took me out of my gawking stare with her. She smelt of a Acqua di Gioia.

"Hello" I respond shyly focusing my eyes on something else anything really that wasn't her.

"Thank you for bringing her uncle. I begin to worry you had gotten lost old man" she smiles joking.

He lets out a big chuckle, and for the first time since I met him he smiled.

"You picked a tough one Gaia, good luck my love. I'll see you in the morning." He waves his good bye going to the other side of the house with a cigar now burning in his mouth.

"Picked? Picked me for what?" I asked now snapping my eyes to her.

"You need not worry about that, come let me show you to where you will be staying" she responds grabbing my waist walking me towards a dim lit hallway.

Wine colored drapes covered the walls as family pictures were posted on them. I was so taken back by this whole place that the fact that all these people were strangers and I was staying in a house with them hadn't crossed my mind yet. Being in her embrace as she walked me to what I assumed was going to be my room chilled me. Her grip on my waist enticed something in me, something that made me wet.

"Here's were you will be staying" she said as she opened a big brown door.

Inside was a bed covered in black cotton sheets, tile that had designs all on them, a big window that led to a balcony with a view of the ocean, and dressers & night stands. It was beautiful, but it seemed like someone already stayed in the room even as it was made up.

"I'm not sleeping anywhere until I'm told why I'm here" I persisted turning around towards her.

Her smile turned into a frown and right there I wanted to kiss her, no you don't your married remember? Oh yeah

"I don't want you to have to worry your pretty self about that. I'll tell you everything in the morning I promise." She walks over to me bringing me into her by my waist.

"Whatever, fine" it was the only short thing I could think of to avoid stuttering my life away.

"You can wash up in there. There's already clothes set aside in there for you." She resumes.

Yeah not creepy at all.

I place my things down in a nearby chair, then goes into the bathroom. The all white bathroom was a completely different look than what I had seen of the house so far. The shower completely covered the wall and the doors were glass meaning anyone could see through them, the tub was in another corner and was big enough for at least four people. The counter had two sinks and a full wall length mirror.

"This whole house is big" I say to myself.

I start the bathtub because there was no way in hell I was taking the chance of someone walking in on me while I was in the shower. I was confident in my body but not that confident. Once the tub was filled I stripped getting in the warm water enveloped me hugging every particle of my body.

As relaxing as the bath was I had to leave it. I got out drying off, draining the tub, and changing into the pajamas that were set for me. They were light blue panties with a button up top and shorts. Once I finished I walked out to find Gaia in the bed reading dressed in a similar pajama set like mine, but it was black and the bottoms were long. I noticed a slight bump towards the top but ignored it thinking it was an bubble from the pajamas being too big.

"Uh are you in here to tell me goodnight?" I asked slowly walking over to the bed.

"No, this is our bed, our room, our bathroom" she responds patting the spot next to her.

"Our? I'm married. The only ours I know is with my husband" I say standing by the ottoman at the end of the bed.

"Yes yes, the workaholic husband who is too busy all the time to attend to your needs. Tell me Y/N when was the last time that you busted?" A coy look crossed her face and her hazel eyes buried into my brown ones.

I could feel the tension in the room build and the wave in my stomach starting to flow. I twisted my head side ways slightly in a questioning matter.

"First off, how do you know my name? Secondly, why does it matter when's the last time I busted? It's none of your business" I responded.

Her lips curl into a smirk and she raises her eyebrows.

"Oh I know everything about you my darling. But what I don't know is how you seem satisfied with someone who barely pays you any mind. Someone who flew you cross countries just to stare at him laptop all day and he on work conferences." She says coming closer across the bed to me.

I unconsciously move backwards.

"He is a busy man, he is the boss he has to know everything. I get my needs the way I have to." My breathe hitches when she comes chest to chest with me with my back against the wall.

Her soft hand comes up to my chin lifting my head up towards her. Yeah she easily towered over me.

"How's that?" She husked out.

I was speechless. Her eyes were scanning every bit of my face searching for a response and when my mouth was agape she chuckled slightly.

"See babygirl I can treat you so much better I can learn how your body reacts to my touch" she leans into my ear and her breathe makes goosebumps cover my skin.

Her hands roam my body making me twitch some. She shouldn't have this effect on me especially because I'm married to my husband no matter how inconsiderate and stupid he can be sometimes. Breaking me out of my thought was the feeling of her hand caressing my thigh.

"No no, this is wrong. I'm married I love him dearly and I shouldn't be doing this." I push her back slightly, which didn't work because she was stronger than me.

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself of that?" She looks down at me moving back some.

"I don't have to convince myself of something I know. Now if you excuse me I have to get back to my hotel." I refused to stay and get tempted by this oh so beautiful woman who at the moment I was ready to risk it all for.

Before I could reach to grab my bag she grabbed my arm spinning me back around into her. Her arms entrapped me in her embrace against her. Even after showering she smelled amazing like a rose garden.

"Your not going anywhere especially this dark and this far from your resort. Just stay and I'll show you what I have to offer." She said with a slight dominance sticking to her voice.

"Fine, but I'm leaving first thing in the morning" I respond wiggling out of her grip and over to I guess my side of the bed.

"Yeah we will se about that" she says going to her side.

We both get in, me scooted all the way to the edge of my side and her closer to the middle. She huffs seeing me turned away from her but besides to leave it be as it was so late.

*next morning*

The morning soon comes and when I wake up. I hear gurgles and moans, there's no way she is having sex in this room while I'm in it. I turn to see the bed empty and at the end of it the sight is shocking yet such a turn on. She was getting sucked off by some maid she must've had.

Her small grunts could be heard, but me shuffling in the bed made her look up towards me and put on a show. She started face fucking the girl who was enjoying being used as a example I guess.

"This could be you. I'd be much more gentle though and I have a feeling you'd enjoy this." She says picking up her pace fucking the girl's throat deeper.

I look at her raising my eyebrows to not give away the fact that she was right. I'd love for it to be me.

"You think using her as an example is going to turn me on or make me change my mind? I'm still going back to the resort, so you might as well save it." I reply getting out of the bed heading to the bathroom.

I freshen up brushing my teeth, which was really awkward considering she was face fucking some girl not to far from me and eventually came. I finished up washing my face, taking a towel I pat dried my face off. As I opened my eyes through the mirror she was looking at me with pure hunger in her eyes as she pulls up her pajama pants.

So that's what that bump was. A rod big enough to end someone up in the hospital, bigger than my husband I could tell you that. I blushed lightly covering it up with a clearance of my throat before walking out the bathroom going to grab my bag. She watches me this time and doesn't try to stop me. It was a bit disheartening because it was the opposite of what I wanted her to do.

I walk out trying to figure out where to go and stubble upon the dining area. A big wooden table was packed with breakfast; fruits, pancakes, biscuits, French toast, bacon, sausage, preservatives & jellies, coffee, juice, and tea. My mouth water and my stomach growled.

"I planned for us to eat something before we started our day. Though I expected it to begin much differently." Her addicting voice carried through the dining area.

I twitched a bit at the wetness building in my bottoms.

"No thank you. I just wanna get back to my hotel." I respond not sparing her glance.

"I would if I could darling" Gaia says.

"What do you mean? Just have the same security take me back, simple." I scrunch my face turning towards her.

"If you sit I'll explain, please Y/N. I'll feel much better when you eat." She nearly pleads.

I reluctantly sigh walking over and making a small quick plate with a cup of coffee.

"Now elaborate please." I say before popping a pineapple in my mouth.

She makes herself a hearty plate then of all the chairs at the table she sits next to me. Ironic. She leans back in the chair looking at me as if she was memorizing the way I looked.

"My family company has worked with your husband's company for years now. About a few months ago we flew in to have a meeting to introduce myself as the new head. I just so happen to see a lovely woman all hugged up on him before we all sat in the meeting room. Besides that we commenced the meeting and discovered how much work between the partnership needed to be done. So—" she stops mid story her eyes glued to my lips.

I look up at her waiting for her to finish her story.

"You've got something" Using a napkin she wipes my lip gently removing some dripping liquid from the fruits.

She clears her throat.

"Anyways, we started working on the partnership and the more we worked the more I found out about his beyond beautiful wife. I just knew I had to have you and when I found discrepancies in our partnership on his in I agreed to tarnish them if he made an agreement with me." She further explains.

"To spend time with me?" I question furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

"Of course and he hesitantly agreed saying he was grateful I didn't leave the partnership." She finished then dug into her food.

I however had lost my appetite and leant back in the chair. I couldn't believe that my husband agreed to have me damn near kidnapped just to spend time with someone who I have never met in my life. My mind was swimming, I couldn't process half of the information she had just given me.

"Umm excuse me for a second" I pushed myself away from the table, this time she didn't try to stop me.

I walked back to the same room I just came from walking over to the big window opening it a bit to get some fresh air. How was I supposed to take this? How was I supposed to approach my husband after this? I needed to talk with him.

I briskly walk back to the dining area. The table had been cleared off and she still sat drinking a cup of coffee. I went over to my bag searching for my phone. Once I find it, I see that I only have 5% battery, great. No missed calls from him, not even any messages. He already knew. I felt tears fill up in my eyes as I sit down defeated, what was the point of me trying to leave?

She sunk to her knees in front of me placing her hands on my thighs.

"Hey beautiful, your to pretty to be crying" she cooed wiping my tears.

I was to distorted to try to fight back or move away. There was no point anymore.

"How long?" I ask sniffling.

"How long for what?" She tilts her head like a confused puppy.

"A week give or take. Maybe forever if you let me in and let me be what he could never be" Her eyes shine bright in the sunlight that shone through the dining area window.

"You expect me let you in after a week? Especially after you just revealing all that to me." I scoff looking off in the view.

She shakes her head.

"No, I would want you to but I know it will be difficult to" Her thick Italian accent rasps through.

"Come on I want to show you something." She stands up holding out her hand.

I hesitantly take it. She walks me to an area of the house I had not seen. It was a very dull lit area, it had a very intricate library, a wooden desk and a nice rolling chair.

"It's not much but it's where I come when I can't think. When I need to get away from all this family business bullshit." She states as she runs her hands across her desk.

"You didn't choose it did you?" I ask inquisitively.

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schrijverr · 3 years

Text

What Your Heart Says

When they’re hunting a spirit that targets kids after they’ve fought with their moms, Sam realizes why he could have been a target and all Dean has done for him.

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: suicide mention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam and Dean were working a case. Three children had dropped dead, all bruised necks, all inexpiable.So, the Winchesters had rolled into town and started asking around.

They had made their way to a party in the neighborhood under the pretense that they were new in town. The parents were split, with the dads talking around the barbecue and the moms sitting and talking around the picnic table. Dean said: “Dude, the only thing that’ll make this okay if I get to talk to the hot moms.”

“You are terrible, but sure,” Sam rolled his eyes, “Remember, we have a kid, but he’s with his grandparents.”

“Yeah, yeah, and his name is Bobby,” Dean said, “I know.”

Then he was off to the table, politely introducing himself: “Hi, I’m Dean. My partner, Sam, and I are new here and we thought we’d introduce ourselves.”

The women introduced themselves as well and looked over at Sam, who was introducing himself to the men and asking around there. Linda asked: “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about the game with the boys?”

“Nah, Sam has always been more into that stuff than me,” Dean shrugged. “But don’t mind me, what were you all talking about it?”

“Oh, you know,” Karen said, “the kids.”

Dean nodded: “Ahh, of course, do you all have kids?”

The five women nodded and Dean decided that this was a great ice-breaker to them, so he brought up their fictional child: “How sweet. Me and Sammy over there have a little guy as well, although he’s not so little anymore. They’re growing up more and more everyday, am I right?”

The women seemed temporarily shocked by that revelation, but Linda picked up the conversation again: “Totally, so what’s his name and how old is he?”

“Bobby, he’s ten already.” Dean said.

“How cute,” Sharon fawned. “My Jane is five now, but it sometimes feels like my little girl is maturing more and more.”

Dean had come over to flirt a bit with the women, but now he let himself be comforted by stories about little Sammy, remade for suburban ears. He had shared Sams first school play and his cute Halloween outfits, when an opportunity arose to bring up the attacks. Linda said: “Maybe Ronald and Bobby would like to play sometime. He could come over tomorrow if you want to.”

Easily Dean lied: “That seems like a lovely idea, but with the recent deaths… We’ve been pretty scared of bringing Bobby here, so he’s been staying with his grandparents in Sioux Falls.”

A quiet fell over the table, but soon Dean had weaseled out of the women that all three of the kids had been fighting with their moms the night it had happened and that all the moms swore they had heard a strange laugh-like noise the day after.

Once he had the information he made a bit more small talk. He was in the middle of telling them about the Science Fair Sam had won in fifth grade when Sam came to get him. They said their goodbyes and left.

“What did you talk about with ‘the boys’?” Dean grinned.

Sam pushed him away and said: “Shut up! We talked about football, I don’t even know anything about football. What did you talk about, Deanna?”

“Hey, don’t use my amazing jokes against me,” Dean huffed, he got an eyeroll back, but he went on to answer: “But if you must know, we talked about the kids and complained about our men.”

“You complained about me?” Sam said indignantly.

Dean grinned and said: “Yeah, seems like a lot of men struggle with snoring and bed hogging.”

“Dude.”

Dean just laughed at Sam.

“Tell me you at least got some information out of them, because the dads knew nothing. One hadn’t even heard about the deaths.”

“Well, the moms were a bit more informed and talkative. Seems like all the vics had a fight with their moms the night of their deaths and all of them had heard laughing the day after, like someone was laughing at their pain.”

“Good job, now let’s get out of here and do some research.”

“You don’t have to sound so excited.”

Deans comment was ignored.

“So get this,” Sam started out his speech while walking over with his laptop, “apparently a girl killed herself a few years ago, by hanging herself.”

“The bruises.”

“Precisely, she did after she had a fight with her mom. She had been struggling for a while with mental health issues and this was the last straw. According to the police she had done it to get back at her mom, to make her feel guilty about what she had said, she even recorded herself laughing and left that for her mom to find the next day.”

“Sounds like she’s our ghost,” Dean agreed.

“Sounds like it, but there’s a problem.”

“When isn’t there a problem?” Dean complained. “Why can’t there just a be a clean easy salt ‘n burn?”

“Because that isn’t how our life is, man,” Sam said. “Anyway, it doesn’t state where she is buried and there are three big cemeteries in this town, so we’ll have to search every one if we want to find her bones.”

“Ugh, why does a town need three cemeteries? It’s not even that big,” Dean complained again.

“They have a catholic one, a protestant one and a public one,” Sam answered. “Lots of towns have that, so stop complaining.”

“I’m not complaining,” Dean replied indignantly.

“Yes you are. You always do,” Sam sighed

“No, I don’t,” Dean pouted.

“Yes, you- You know what, I’m not playing your childish games,” Sam was starting to get frustrated.

“Oh, yeah of course, now I’m childish. I’m sick of it, why can’t you just let me have my fun. I’m never harming anyone, so why do you care?” Dean said with an angry tone.

“Because your fun consist of annoying me to death or drinking yourself to death. One is nerve grating and the other makes me worry,” Sam bitched

“Oh, god, I’m not talking about that now. Leave me and my drinking alone. It’s nothing,” Dean huffed.

“it’s not not-” Sam began, but Dean cut him off: “We have three cemeteries to search better get started now. Lets go.”

Then he stalked out of the door, a silently fuming Sam following behind him.

“She has to be here, otherwise we’re fucked,” it was the first time the silence had been broken since they’dleft the motel.

Sam nodded tightly and went back to looking at the headstones. They were at the public cemetery and they had already searched the other two entirely with no luck.

Dean was about to call out to Sam that he had found it, when she appeared in front of the younger Winchester. He screamed as she put her hands around his neck and leaned in to whisper something. She didn’t get to say anything, however, because Dean shot her with a round of salt.

They quickly made a salt circle around the grave and caught their breath. Dean said: “You dig, I’ll keep her busy.”

“No, man, I know you’ve hurt your knee on the last hunt. You shouldn’t be running. I’ll take her on, you dig,” Sam said.

“No, Sam, don’t-” Dean didn’t finish, because Sam was already out the salt circle yelling for the spirit to come get him. Dean started digging after a moment of hesitation as he sighed to himself: “Stupid frigging kid.”

Sam had manged to run from the spirit for most of the night, but right now he was pinned down by her. He knew Dean was almost done, but he hoped his brother would hurry, because he was slowly suffocating.

The spirit cackled and whispered in his ear: “I’ll make him regret it. He will regret every word he said.”

Sam chocked out: “Why are you…targeting me? I don’t, ugh, I don’t have a…mom.”

The spirit looked confused for a second, then she whispered: “That’s not what your heart says.”

Then she went up in flames, screaming all the way.

Dean immediately yelled: “Are you okay?”

Dazed Sam sat up and rubbed his neck as he yelled back: “I’m fine, I think.”

“You think?” Deans voice sounded concerned as he hurried over to Sam to check him over.

Sam felt his hands run over his head and hissed a bit when they hit the bump on the back of his head. Dean forced him to look down and inspected the small head wound closer, when he was satisfied with what he found he let go of Sams head and said: “It doesn’t look that bad, but if you feel dizzy or disoriented you have to tell me.”

“No, no, I feel fine,” Sam reassured him. “It’s just what the spirit said that is bothering me.”

“She talked to you?” Dean said with a frown, then he asked: “What did she say?”

Sam hesitated before saying: “She said she’d made him regret it, every word he said.”

“Who the fuck is he?” Dean groused.

Sam thought about it and suddenly it clicked into place. The spirit wasn’t attacking just mothers, but also people who were seen as mothers, he remembered the girl had been adopted. He had argued with Dean just that day, Dean who had cared for him his entire life, who had talked to other mothers about his kid. Dean who had been there at school plays, who had been there when Sam was sick, who made him lunch and taught him how to tie his shoes. Dean who had tucked him in at night and told him not to worry about the monsters under the bed. His brother, who had taken on the roll of mother.

Tears filled Sams eyes with the realization and he felt the need to hug Dean, so he pulled his brother into a tight hug. Dean seemed shocked for a moment, his hands in the air for a second before he slowly wrapped them around Sams tall frame. Confused yet softly and with a gentle tone, he asked: “Whoa, hey, what brought this on?”

“You,” Sam managed to push out between the silent sobs.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, buddy, don’t cry, it’s okay,” Dean hushed, carding his hands through Sams hair on autopilot.

After a while Sam had managed to calm down. Dean wiped away the tears staining his cheeks and asked: “Wanna tell what made you cry like that?”

“You always cared for me, raised me and I never, I never even thanked you,” Sam hiccuped. “You gave up so much for me and I ran away. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Then he started crying again.

Dean didn’t react, he was sitting there, wide eyes with his boy crying in his arms and he was just playing Sams words over and over in his head. Sam was sorry. Sorry for not thanking him. The absurdity of the thought snapped Dean out of his daze.

He gently grabbed Sams chin and made him lock eyes with him. Then he said in the most caring voice Sam had heard in years: “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, alright? You haven’t done anything wrong. Raising you was never something I didn’t want to do. And although I hated – hate – it, I get why you had to get away, just for a while. It’s okay, no need to apologize.”

Then he let go of Sammys chin and pulled him into a tighter hug as the younger boy murmured: “Doesn’t make it alright,” into his shirt.

After a few more seconds of hugging Sam pulled away and Dean let him. When they were sitting opposite to each other in the empty graveyard in the middle of the night, tears still wet on their faces, they shared a look and burst out laughing. Dean chuckled: “This is ridiculous.”

Sam nodded and let himself be pulled up by Dean. Dean cracked his back and said: “If you’re still feeling guilty you can close the grave as a thanks.”

Sam rolled his eyes, but started to shovel the dirt back into the still smoking hole.

When the last dirt was thrown on the grave Dean broke the comfortable silence: “I’m guessing it was the ghost who pushed you to your conclusion.” Sam nodded and unsure Dean asked: “What did she say?”

Sam thought about it for a second, then he said: “First she told me she’d make him, meaning you, regret everything you’ve said, which made me confused. So I asked her why she was attacking me, because I didn’t have a mom. Then she gave me with such a perplexed look and said ‘That’s not what your heart says’ and then she died, again.”

Dean chocked up a bit and looked away. He swallowed heavily and tried to casually say: “And that made you connect me to being a parental figure, how?”

“I went over her MO, she was adopted so it didn’t have to be a mother by blood and we did fight today. SoI just thought why it would be you and then I thought about our youth and it just suddenly all clicked somehow,” Sam confessed, then he smirked and added: “And it was mom, not parental figure.”

Dean shot him a glare and said: “I’m not some chick, dude.”

“If that’s wanna tell yourself, sure.” Sam said, still smirking.

“Bitch!”

And just like that his brother was back.

Sam smiled.

“Jerk.”

A/N:

I found this on my computer and had forgotten about it completely. I do hope, I could cheer someone up with this :D

#RR writing #tw: suicide mention #suicide mention #supernatural #spn #dean and sam #dean winchester #sam winchester #mom dean winchester #spn season 1 #supernatural season 1

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slutforben · 4 years

Text

au! ben’s your dad now lol

Okay so when I used to have a wattpad account I wrote some parent scenario things, here’s one that I wrote for BEN. Will I be continuing this? no lmao anyways enjoy

word count: 1708

KEY:

(Y/N) = Your Name

Him/Her = Your pronouns

Line of ~~~ = Time Skip

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I gazed at the teenage girl through the screen, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

A teen mother? She only looked to be 15 or 16, but she held a child in her arms that looked like a mini copy of her. I only made a quick connection.

The mother, a blonde with hazel eyes and light freckles and wet cheeks, looked like any other girl. The child in her arms cried loudly as crashes came from downstairs. Loud footsteps and banging of cupboard doors were heard, and the mother was sobbing quietly.

From where I watched, safely within her small computer screen, I watched her bundle up her young child and hide them inside her closet. She locked the doors quickly, then went to her dresser. Her room was in pristine condition, and the dresser had a small pocket knife on it.

I could hear footsteps barging up the stairs now. Though, they weren't just one pair. There had to be at least two or three people charging like bulls. The girl sobbed and her child cried through the closet door. Terror echoed through their cries, and to be honest, I'd be terrified if my home was barged into as well.

The clock below me ticked, and wires buzzed. It being 4 am, I didn't expect my victim to be awake, or even to be home alone and in the process of being robbed like a homeless man.

But that's exactly what was happening in front of my eyes.

I shivered as three large men broke down the bedroom door. The mother was huddled in the corner, tears of fear dripping down her cheeks and a small pocket knife held in her hand. Her young child cried and screamed, but the mother was unable to do anything.

I started to back away as the men advanced on her. Ski masks covered their faces, and they held large rifles. Those could do massage damage to a human, and even a ghost like myself.

But as the men advanced and the underage mother cried, I backed away from the screen, and back into the portal leading to the Mansion.

Her screams quieted down as I pulled myself away from the computer screen. I fell back in my small frenzy and landed back inside the living room of the Mansion. I looked around quickly, my blond hair flipping around and ruffling itself up. Looking around, I realized the living room was empty and smelled like something had burnt itself to a crisp.

I sat, the upper half of my body hanging out of the television, with actual fear plaguing me.

Why the hell was I afraid? It was just a simple robbery.

I thought about the girl and her child. It pained me, actually, to think about them. What would happen to them? I debated on going back for a little while, until giving up and pulling myself out of the small television, then dragged myself up to my room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't believe that I'm back in this house.

I kept telling myself that as I walked around the now trashed house. Some things from before were gone or broken, or thrown around. The living room was thrashed and missing some furniture. The house was quiet, which gave me the chills along with an eerie feeling. The television was left on in static, and what was left was thrown across the room. As I continued to explore the house, I noticed that I could no longer hear the child's cries from earlier.

As I finally reached the staircase, I stopped.

What would I find up there?

Sure, I was a murderous virus that slowly ate away at my victims, and who had no sense of fear other than water, but this actually scared me a bit.

I took a deep breath and slowly crept up the stairs. They creaked under my lightweight, but they were relatively quiet. As I slowly climbed them, my breath started to quicken.

" What the fuck, " I whispered to myself. Why was my breath quickening? And why was I fucking whispering? I have no reason to.

I shrugged and continued to climb the stairs, reaching the second floor.

The second story of the house was just as disastrous as the first. Broken furniture littered the floor, vases were smashed, ripped paintings hung from the walls by a single tack, and the doors were all thrown open. Looking closer, I realized that small bullet shells were thrown across the floor.

" Oh my God, " I sucked in a breath at the sight of them.

I immediately looked back up and ran to a random room, looking for the mother and her young child. I tucked inside random rooms until eventually finding her closed bedroom door.

I wiggled the knob, but it didn't budge. I tried again, but the door seemed to be locked.

Had the girl somehow locked herself safely into her room?

That's what I hoped had happened.

I wiggled the knob again until backing up. I backed up against the wall opposite of the door, then ran at full speed and threw myself into the door. It worked in the Mansion, hopefully, it would work here.

The door stayed locked. I fell backward onto my ass, with a now sore shoulder.

" Fuck! " I yelled loudly as my shoulder ached. I looked up at the door, still in the same condition as before.

" Alright, door. Let's try this again, " I hissed and stood up with the help of a cabinet near me. I stood up again and faced the door again with grim determination. Hell, I haven't felt this way since first entering Majora.

With a yell, I ran at the door again, throwing all my weight against it loudly.

The door crashed down loudly as I somehow managed to knock it down. The door broke and crashed to the floor, closely followed by myself. I fell with a loud thud and layed for a second on the now broken door, clutching the shoulder I landed on.

"Ahh, shit, " I said, sucking in a breath. I sat up slowly and looked around. I was back in the room I was in before, only this time it was thrashed, being in the same condition as the house. Furniture was knocked over and items were thrown, and the room was strangely quiet. Looking around again, I realized that the teenage girl was no longer in the room and that her window was smashed.

I sighed sadly at that sight, but I didn't let myself dwell on it. I wanted to see if her child was still here, and hopefully not abducted.

I stood up, remembering that in a hurry she hid her kid in the closet. That was the first place I wanted to check.

I made my way over to the closet door. It was cracked open and had small items in front of it, and sent shivers up my spine for an unknown reason. I got on my knees and cleared the debris in front of the door, then opened it slowly.

The young boy/girl sat all alone in the closet. They were somehow asleep, and was bundled up in a small green blanket. His/Her cheeks were red and stained from crying, and they clutched at the blanket they were wrapped in as if they were having a nightmare.

I gazed at the small child as they slept and picked him/her up carefully. They snored softly and seemed so innocent in my arms that had killed hundreds of people.

I couldn't just leave him/her here. He/Her would starve, or the robbers would come back, or a fellow Pastas might find this house and end their miserable life. A bunch of different scenarios played in my head of what could happen if I left this child here, in this house.

I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I've was holding and looked at the puny child.

" Ya know kid, you don't deserve this at such a young age, " I whispered to them. " I really want to help you, but I can't unless I took you back. " I spoke quietly to the sleeping child. " Slender will kill you, then me. " I said with a frown. " I mean, maybe I could, but even if Slender allowed it, Jeff would get his hands on you and... do things... " I shuddered at that thought.

" But I can't just leave you here. Heh, Slender has been wanting me to get more responsible, but maybe this is a little too much... " I trailed off at that thought.

But, as I gazed down at the small child asleep in my arms, an idea formed in my head.

Maybe I could take the child.

Maybe they'd survive, and become a psychopathic killer like me and the rest of us.

Maybe I could be a parent to this child.

I looked back down at the child and let out another breath. I stood up and turned back to the girl's room and walked back to her queen-sized bed. The television that stood here before was now gone, along with her laptop and cellphone. My options were either walk or get a lift.

I frowned at the thought of walking back to the Mansion and pulled out my phone. I searched for Toby's contact and called him. I put it on speaker as the phone rang loudly. I was surprised it didn't wake up the kid, who I put in my lap and slowly rocked back and forth.

After a few more seconds, Toby answered my call.

" Hey BEN! What's-what's up? " He asked. In the background, I could hear the scream of a girl, so I guessed that he was busy.

" Is this a bad time, Rogers? I can call someone else. " I told him.

He chuckled. " I'm kinda-kinda bus-busy right now, but it-it's fine that you cal-called. What's up-up? "

" Well, Toby, it's kind of a long story... "

#hhhhh fifth grade writing #or something like that #i cant remember when i wrote this #ben drowned #creepypasta #creepypasta scenarios #parent scenario #daddy drowned

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bunnyywritings · 4 years

Text

foolish yearning

ushijima wakatoshi x reader (feat. tendo...obviously)

𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕠𝕦𝕤 - 𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥 - 𝕟𝕖𝕩𝕥

[a/n: here’s part 1 of my new series...I feel like this is really long but uhh yeah here you go :) enjoy!! -yours truly, bunnyy -`ღ´-]

“Come on Wakatoshi~! Come with us!” Tendo was basically whining like a child, tugging at his jacket sleeve.

“Dorm curfew was 4-hours ago. (Y/n) shouldn’t even be in our dorm either.”

“Wow, ouch Toshi. I feel the love.” You playfully pouted, hand over your chest in mock offense.

“Live a little Wakatoshi-kun~ Make some memories that aren’t on the volleyball court.” He smiled teasingly at him.

“Please Toshiii~ It’s not like you were planning to go to sleep anytime soon, were you?” You smirked, knowing that he was just as much as a night owl as you and Tendo.

He looked at you, pensive eyes meeting your own. You decided to turn on the charm and pouted, batting your lashes at him. “Alright, fine. I’ll go.” You let out a small victory shout before as Wakatoshi got up to change into some more comfortable clothing.

Tendou smirked, he knew he could count on you to convince that big lug to agree to your guys’ ridiculous antics. His smirk turned into more of a sad smile once he caught where your eyesight was. You were looking at his friend longingly. He was rather surprised when you approached him the summer right before your guys’ third year started.

It was 3am when you called him, both of you deciding to take a drive. Tendo had finally gotten a car and he wanted to put it to good use. He picked you up, watching with wicked amusement as he witnessed you ungracefully climb out of your room window.

“So are we finally talk about what I think we’re gonna talk about?” He side eyed you, eyebrows wiggling suggestively.

“W-What? Well that d-depends on what you think we’re talking about?” You bit your lip nervously as he pulled his car up to the drive through window.

“Well I may have an idea.” He held his hand out, you placing your card in his waiting palm. “I’m not called the Guess Monster for nothing, (y/n)-chan~” He handed the very tired looking employee the card before getting it back and handing it to you.

Your heart started beating faster, admitting to yourself that he probably was very well aware of what you were feeling. Once the bags and drinks were in the care, he sped into the empty parking lot of the shopping center.

“So what do you think we’re gonna talk about?” You asked, popping a couple of fries in your mouth.

“Your feelings for our dear Wakatoshi-kun~”

“...”

“Ugh! Of course you know!” You groaned, slumping back against the seat.

“Well you’re not very good at hiding it.” He shrugged, taking a sip of his coke.

“Wha- It was obvious?!” You had a furious blush burning at your cheeks.

“Mhmm, lucky for you that Wakatoshi isn’t very good at picking that stuff up.” He reached into the bag and grabbed a burger, unwrapping it and handing the greasy thing to you.

“I guess you’re right...” He unwrapped his own burger and took a bite, watching you worriedly as you stared out the window, taking a small bite of your food.

Back in his home, Ushijima had gotten up to get some water. On his way to the kitchen, he sneezed twice, his brows furrowing the slightest bit before getting his drink of water and going back to bed, hoping he wasn’t getting sick.

“There’s something else, right? Something that’s bothering you...” You had always appreciated that Tendo could read the room and be totally serious when situations like this occurred. There was an oddly calm silence in the car as he waited patiently for you to process your thoughts.

“I- well...” you sighed. “He doesn’t feel the same.”

“You confessed and I MISSED IT!?”

“What? Tendo no! I d-did not confess, I just have a feeling.” You glared at him.

“(Y/n). Last time you had a feeling, you fell face first into-”

“GAh! Tendo no! We promised to not talk about that anymore!”

“Right, sorry. But seriously? That’s all you’re going off of?”

“Yes? I mean, I think he just sees me as one of you guys. It doesn’t really help that I can never tell what his type is. He never breaks his neck trying to get a good look at someone or never says much when someone flirts with him.” You shrugged sadly.

He hated seeing you so upset but he really didn’t have an answer for you. He had tried, so many times, to try and see if the ace had feelings for you but he never got a solid answer out of Ushijima. Just a frown and a tilt of the head and a, ‘of course I like (y/n), she’s a very good friend of ours.’

Back to the present, he hated that he still didn’t have any good answers for you. Just another shrug or noncommittal statement passing his lips. You got up and brushed off your sweats.

“Hey Ten, can I borrow a sweater or something? I don’t feel like going back to my dorm.”

“You can borrow one of mine, they’re in that top drawer.” Tendo was stunned as he tried to make sense of what just happened.

Wakatoshi had not even let him open his mouth, he quickly realised why as he saw his friends eyes soften as you dug through his drawer and pulled on a hoodie. It was definitely way too big for you, but that made it all the better.

“Thanks Toshi!” There was a strange ache in his chest as you sat next to Tendo, his arm instantly pulling you into his side.

He had figured out his feelings for you sometime before school year started but had refrained from saying anything because he thought you and Tendo had a thing going on. You two were always close. You had slept over in their dorm room often, you cuddled up beside his red haired friend while watching anime or something on your laptop.

Don’t get him wrong, you were very affectionate with him too but he never really reciprocated. Sure, he’d throw an arm around you when you hugged him but that was really it. You had never been able to gauge whether he was uncomfortable with physical touch, his lack luster hugs made it seem that he didn’t but he secretly longed to have you cuddled into his side, or to have you sleep on his shoulder on the club bus but he’d never betray his friend...even when he didn’t really know if the two of you were together or not.

“Toshi?” Your voice had broken him out of his trance. “You ready to go?”

His quiet nod was all you needed to race to the door and fling it open, both boys following behind you. Stopping when you abruptly turned around, mischievous glint in your eyes.

“You think Goshiki is awake? I think he’d actually pass out if we invited him to hang out with us.” You quietly snickered.

“Ugh no! As much as I think it’d be funny, I can’t deal with that kid right now. We didn’t even invite Semi to hang out, so just us three.” Tendo rolled his eyes and turned you around, gently pushing you to the exit.

“Why would Goshiki pass out?” Ushijima thought aloud.

“Are you kidding me? He practically worships the ground we walk on. Especially you, Wakatoshi.” It was quiet on the way to the car, the three of you sneakily made your way to the parking lot.

“So what were we thinking? Ramen, pizza, burgers? All three?”

“Bold of you to assume that I wouldn’t actually get all three.” Tendo side eyed you.

“I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised since that bottomless pit of yours never seems to be satisfied.” You playfully smacked his tummy with your hand. Ushijima watched the interaction with slight disdain, his chest tightening painfully.

Tendo picked you up and threw you over his shoulder, beginning to tickle your sides.

“TEN! TEN STOP! WE’LL GET CAUGHT!” The delighted giggles that left you made his cheeks pink.

“Say sorry (y/n)-chan~”

“Ahh I’m sorry!” His fingers glided against your sides even more relentlessly. “PLEASE! I’M SORRY!” When you were back on the ground, you gripped Tendo’s shoulders as you tried to catch your breath. The both of you had grins on your faces. He watched the soft way his friend looked into your eyes.

For what it’s worth, the two of you made a cute couple.

Once you guys had driven back to the school, it was 3am. You had decided to stay the night in their dorm, with their permission of course. But it was different this time.

Ushijima had decided to take a quick shower, he had expected to find you and Tendo asleep in each other’s arms so he was surprised when he re-entered the room and saw you curled up in his bed already asleep and Tendo was trying to stick something in your nose, his phone recording the whole time.

“What are you doing?” He asked as he dried his hair.

“Jeez Wakatoshi, you scared me.” Tendo flinched, standing up and turning off his phone. “I got bored and I needed to pee so...” and with that he walked passed and to the bathroom.

“Now how am I supposed to-?” Ushijima wondered aloud as he draped his damp towel over the desk chair. He slowly approached and sat onto the edge of the bed while slowly starting to slide onto it so he could sleep. He froze when you moved and turned towards him, eyes still closed. You threw your arm over his stomach and nuzzled into his side.

“Hmm you’re so warm Toshi~” You cooed sleepily.

His heart skipped a beat as he felt your body flush against his. Wanting you to be comfortable, he wrapped an arm around you and let your hair out of its loose ponytail, letting the hair tie expand over his wrist as he massaged your scalp and enjoyed the way you were practically purring. He remembered how much you liked it when you had your hair played with. He had seen Tendo do it countless times but had never done it himself. He found himself quickly falling asleep, a barely visible but content smile on his lips.

Tendo peeked around the corner with a smirk, taking his phone out and snapping a few pictures. He was definitely gonna tease you in the morning.

#not a love triangle #ushijima x reader #tendo x reader #haikyuu x reader #shiratorizawa x reader

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roobierubyroobieruby · 4 years

Text

Clean

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 2,655

Warnings: angst, awkwardness, resolution?

Summary: It’s been 3 years since you last laid eyes on Steve, last had contact with him. Now you had to be in the same room for Wanda’s birthday and you had no idea how it would feel to see him again after how it had all ended.

A/N: So this is a continuation of “I Remember It”, however either could be read on their own or sequentially. I was originally going to leave IRI as a solo but the person who inspired that fic had to make a reappearance and I came face to face with them for the first time since IRI’s events. I also had a request to write some form of conclusion so I felt it was time. As Taylor Swift was the lyrical inspiration behind IRI, it’s only fitting she is the lyrical inspiration for this one (“Clean” by Taylor Swift). Here is the resolution, I hope it’s everything you need anon, because it was for me <3

The drought was the very worst (ahh, ahh)

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

It was months, and months of back and forth (ahh, ahh)

You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore

“Dinner at the tower?” You hoped the nerves weren’t showing through your voice. Wanda’s birthday was coming up and she wanted to have an actual celebration since everyone would be here at the same time for once. She excitedly nodded, clasping your hands.

“Please come, I want to have everyone I love there!” She had honed her gift over the years, now keeping the minds of those around her locked out unless she was told she could listen in. You had no need to worry she’d hear the fearful thoughts that he will be there.

He will be there, which means Sharon will be there, and they will be there together. He will be there, in the same room as you, for the first time in the 3 years it had been since he disappeared from your life. It had been 3 long years of repairing the damage he’d caused, learning to trust and love yourself again, and trust others once more. No easy feat given the life you had before this one. You had been making strides, doing so much, and now this was the test to see if you could withstand his presence and not let it topple your progress. He was a storm in your life, but now you’re a hurricane.

“Of course I’ll be there! As if I would let you celebrate without me!” Pulling her into a tight hug, you buried thoughts of him in the dark box in the corner of your mind with his name on it.

Hung my head, as I lost the war

And the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Sitting on your bed, laptop and papers scattered across the blankets, your mind kept coming back to the dinner. You had 3 weeks to prepare yourself in the hopes that your 3 years of learning to accept what happened and move on would be enough to be unshakeable in his presence.

You couldn’t help but wonder what would happen. Will he ignore you, a ghost in the room? Will he try to talk to you as if nothing ever happened? Will it be noticeably awkward as the two of you move around the room, hardly coming within 10 feet of each other, somehow even at the small dinner table?

You had never officially met Sharon either, only heard of her. You had to wonder if she knew anything of your time with the team. If she knew about you.

You had too many questions, too many variables to consider, and none brought you peace. No path felt like it was the right one to take. It all led back to the storm.

The rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And by morning

Gone was any trace of you

I think I am finally clean

The dreams had been coming gradually. At first, his face only made a fleeting appearance, or you thought you’d heard his voice call out to you in his dreams.

As the days sped by, taken up by missions and work, they came more frequently and intense. That sweet smile of his, or comforting words telling you how important you were to him, that you were capable of anything. Telling you he loved you, how he had nightmares of you leaving him, never wanting to be the first to let go.

Then you’d wake up. You could still feel the slight sting in your chest when you thought of everything that happened, and you wondered if you’d ever feel ok again. You longed to feel nothing, for indifference, but you couldn’t wish it never happened. You didn’t know where that left you on the spectrum of moving past it all.

Staring at your calendar on your wall, you could feel the ball of tension in you ready to snap. Tonight was the night. You had come home late from a mission, using the morning to rest and debrief, so you’d hardly had time to yourself. You supposed it was a good thing, it meant you couldn’t work yourself up even more over the ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ of the night.

You couldn’t put it off any longer. You had delivered your present to Wanda in person, the dread of catching a glimpse of him almost breaking through your calm demeanor. Wherever he was, he stayed there, giving you a quick and clean exit from Wanda’s room. Now back at home, you categorically started doing your makeup to give your mind something to focus on.

You didn’t want to admit it, but you wanted him to regret what he did. You hoped he’d see you and wish he’d stayed, at the very least kept you in his life.

You opted to leave your hair down and natural, feeling less exposed. You were already on edge, the knot in your stomach getting tighter as the minutes ticked by. Hastily pulling on a black bodysuit with long, high-waisted, tan flare pants, you slipped your black heels on and scraped your things into your handbag. Time had officially run out, you had to go.

There was nothing left to do (ahh, ahh)

When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room

So I punched a hole in the roof (ahh, ahh)

Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you

Nat had gone ahead, helping Vision to set up the dining area and cook. She was aware of how this evening was weighing on you, preparing to intervene at your request or steal you away if you needed a minute. Tonight was about Wanda, and you didn’t want to ruin that with something as trivial as a friendship-relationship-nothing situation from three years ago.

Shaking your head, you put in your headphones to drown out your thoughts as you navigated the streets and subways. You insisted on getting there yourself, wanting the time to prepare and settle your mind. The ritual of walking and trains calmed you, as the music washed over you and reminded you of everything that had happened since he’d left your life.

You let the songs bring forth the memories dancing at the bars with Nat, having netflix nights curled up on the couch with Shuri whenever she was in town. These were the memories that were important now. Any of him were just dust, trying to cover you and stifle your rediscovered vibrancy.

Music blaring, you thought about everyone else in attendance tonight. Tony would be there, always ready to liven up a party. Of course Bruce would be there too, giving you some much needed quiet comfort for when things get a bit too much. No one would look twice if the two of you slipped out somewhere quieter - assuming he would have just needed some space. Whilst you and Bucky were friends, you also knew his loyalty to Steve, so you knew he’d be as wonderful as ever, but you had to be wary that he would more than likely be by Steve majority of the time.

Tonight was about Wanda, he was inconsequential to this moment in time.

The water filled my lungs

I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Your heels clicked along the tower floor, elevator doors already open and waiting to take you up to the avengers’ old living quarters.

You evened your breathing, steeling over your face to hide the feeling you were suffocating. The floor numbers climbed higher and higher, the silence of the elevator making the ringing in your ears that much louder. Holding your phone in your hand for an easy escape, your stomach lurched as the elevator came to a halt.

Countless times you had ridden this elevator, and none felt as precarious as this time. Keeping your face passive as the doors slid open, you took a quick cursory glance to find no one waiting for your arrival.

You let loose a sigh of relief. That meant they were all in the main area, so you had plenty of escape options if you needed it. You could hear the food preparation still ongoing, murmurs of conversations broken up by loud peals of laughter. You had the briefest feeling of coming home before you remembered the reason you left home to begin with.

The rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And by morning

Gone was any trace of you

I think I am finally clean

I think I am finally clean (ahhhhh, ahh)

Said I think I am finally clean (ahhhhh)

Bruce was the first face you saw when you came around the corner into the main living area. You eagerly waved, heading straight for him when you saw someone move out from the kitchen to stand by his side.

You halted, ever so slightly, your energy focused on keeping your emotions under control to remain the picture of calm and unaffected. The moment you had been dreading had arrived sooner than you had anticipated, and now it was trying to meet your eyes.

You knew this first moment would set the tone for the night, and for the rest of this narrative. You would not bend or fold to him. He had been the one to dictate your friendship, both when it started and when it ended, plus everything in between. You would not be the one to make any moves here. He destroyed everything, it is up to him to admit to the damage and make a choice.

You breezed right past Steve, wrapping your arms around Bruce in a hug before settling in on his other side to have light conversation. You kept watch for a sighting of Wanda, eager to put some distance between you and Steve. You hadn’t expected him to be so close so quickly, you needed space, but you didn’t want to be the first to move either. It felt like you were admitting defeat if you moved because of his presence. You had already done it once.

As you and Bruce spoke, you could see Steve attempting to interject. Turning inwards ever so slightly to try and include himself in the conversation, but your staunch ignorance of his presence kept him at bay. After what felt like eternity, you saw Wanda’s beaming face across the room with Vision in the kitchen.

Excusing yourself from Bruce’s side, you strolled back past Steve and right into Wanda’s open arms, wrapping her tightly in your embrace.

“Happy birthday darling girl! I’m sorry I’m a little late, the subway was, well, the subway.” You shrugged, pulling back to give her a grin.

She waved you off, “it’s fine! I’m just glad you came so now everyone is here! Nat and Vision are almost done in the kitchen, they said I am not allowed to help so I’m mingling instead.”

Shaking your head, you laughed at the mental image of Nat scolding Wanda, cooking utensil in hand and all.

“I side with them on this one. It’s your birthday so you’re meant to be enjoying it! Go mingle, I’ll see if they need any help.” You gave her another quick hug before departing to the kitchen, knowing Nat will give you a job for entering her work space.

“Mash the potatoes.” You hadn’t said a word before she barked her order at you, a smirk playing on her lips. You mock saluted her before washing your hands and beginning on the potatoes.

Being in this moment felt like home. It felt like you were whole again. Clean slate.

Ten months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it

Ten months older, I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

Sitting between Bruce and Nat, hearing the various conversations and bursts of laughter, you felt at peace. Every now and then you felt his eyes on you, could feel him wanting you to see him and go about as if nothing ever happened. One part of you wanted to do just that, to hear your name pass through his lips again and smiling at you like you mattered to him, as if the last 3 years never happened and you were still the same old friends.

You couldn’t allow yourself to go back though, you had worked hard to be where you are and work through the damage he caused. You owed it to yourself not to let him have what he wants just because he wants it. He had his chance and then has had 3 years to fix things, and he chose not to. He made his choice, which wasn’t you, so now he has to live with the consequences because you are choosing yourself.

You were not going to risk yourself for the sake of his conscience.

The drought was the very worst (ahh, ahh)

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

Sharon was an attractive woman, and quite intelligent based on the little pieces of information you had heard about her. By all accounts, she was a very lovely and genuine person, and you could see why she and Steve fit together like they do. It almost seemed picturesque, a love he always wanted.

A small part of you buried deep wondered what might have been had he not made the decisions he had - would the two of you have grown closer until you were inseparable? Would he have been honest about his feelings instead of the weird little games of love and affection but only behind closed doors? Would you have ended up together?

All the possibilities died the day he left without a word. The part of you that had grown to love him, all of him, died with them. You couldn’t help but wonder if part of him had died also.

The rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And by morning

Gone was any trace of you

I think I am finally clean (x2)

The dinner party began to wind down with people starting to make their way home before the clock ticked over midnight. You hugged people, saying your goodbyes and promises to catch up soon, your heart feeling full from seeing these people who felt like family.

Again, you could feel him just off from your periphery, staring over at you and wondering if you would make the first move and say goodbye. It took almost everything out of you to ignore him, to keep such tight control over the hole in your chest that was aching for you to see him and hope he would acknowledge what he did and apologise.

You also knew that it was an apology you would never get, because he had moved on with his life as sure as you had begun to move on with yours. You were now two pieces of separate puzzles, fitting into different masterpieces of your own designs.

There was no place for him in your life. You were clean of him.

Finally clean

Think I'm finally clean (ahh, ahh)

Think I'm finally clean

The journey home was weightless. You recalled the heavy ache in your chest the closer time moved to the party, and now it was gone. You contemplated if you might have felt better had you been able to look him in the eye and felt nothing, however you reminded yourself to be proud of the steps you had taken.

You may not be indifferent about him, but you did not want his approval anymore, or his validation - you were content with who you had become. You were clean.

#steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers reader insert #reader insert #marvel #avengers #captain america #marvel reader insert #avengers reader insert #captain america reader insert #angst train #taylor swift song fic

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thatreallyminecraftsmygender · 4 years

Text

So.... Found out Zed and tango did some horror streams and im going to watch them... but I am extremely bad at horror! So my plan is, I'm going to open up a read more on my laptop and edit this post to essentially live blog my journey depending on to what degree I need to get out my horror related ramblings!!.

THIS IMEDIATELY DISOLVED INTO A FUNNY QUOTES LIST SO I’VE REORGANISED SOME STUFF

I'll be just editing one post so it shouldn't spam the dash but y'all are welcome to do whatever with this post... Prepare for some patent zaph ramblings!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-jLL6mkwO4&feature=youtu.be

Quotes:

-‘it’s like stressmonster loud?? say no more’ ‘love ya stress’

Z: ‘maybe we should everytime it saves? T: quitely ‘ ..may you should just play the whole time’ Z: ‘so that you can go sit in the corner and cry?’ T; ... yeah

Z: *squeaking the door” we need some WD40 T: in my butt

T: theres not even psychopaths chasing us Z: just psychopaths controlling us

T: zoinks’

*screaming static noises* *zedaph slowly closes the door”

Z:* looking at some flesh next to a can” ugh! eww its coca cola

Z: you wanna switch? T: *shouting* NO!

T: how do i... wheres my machine gun Z: *giggling* wheres our flame thrower of death

Z: stay in the vents... this is our home now. we can make a lovely house up here

T: IF ANYHTING CHASES ME I AM JUST, GOING TO DIE

T: i can’t run from anything I’m just gonna pee myself

Z; hide behind something.. hide behind a book T: I CAN’T MY HAND IS STUCK TO THE WALL! GET OFF THE WALL!

Z: you keep getting stuck to walls! T: no, no I’m just terrified of moving foward

Z:Why did you eat all the battery's :( ! Z: we just churned through every battery in the known universe

Z:my hearts just gonna.. give up

T: BOO! Z: AHH!! you-you freak of nautre!! T: evil laughter Z: well.. if we’re playing that game T; .... oh noh

Things tango has been scared of:

- The night - the idea of a jumpscare - The donation sounds he set up - the concept of night vision - the sound of their own footsteps - the computer - the idea of their being a shadow behind them - the sound of his own breathing - doors - zed jumping in game - His own hand

Ramblings:

- Good news! the donation is a jump scare! i am maybe 3 minutes in and tango has already wildly flinched - Okay i vibe with the fact tango is scared at the fact it is night time before even really entering the house - the mysterious ‘they’ that’s referred to is actually just me, I’m in the game - again i vibe with the fact tango is scaring himself with the idea that there might be a jump-scare - ahahha zed deliberately pointing out things to make tango scared (evil zed time) probs best thats zeds playing... i think tango would have broken the computer by now and we are like..14 mins in I am astounded that i have jumped less than tango... i straight up used to have a panic disorder, i have never seen someone more terrified at the concept of night vision - gentle ribbing is actually my love language - okay the musics amped up this is the part that always gets me - welp! zed slammed a door! we’re all fucked! - tango, is handed the remote ‘I need to go back outside” - I think zeds coping strategy is humour - hahaha zed descriibing scary things to make tango more scared - I am concerned for tango’s health at this point -theres been like 5 mins of tango play and so far he has sat in the vent - HOLY SHIT I THINK TANGO JUST FLEW AT THAT JUMPSCARE AHAHAHHA

- hjdfhhj tango punching zed for lauhhing at him jumping so goddam much

- this character needs to look after their fingernails more... - the amount of regret they have for having made the donations a jumpscare - okay they’re just sitting in a room in the dark... hmm bad - it has been like 15 minutes with tango incontrol and they have so far: Sat in a vent... moved to another room... sat in the other room - there is No Way they are surviving this -d-did tango just say ooga booga in fear?? - the fact zed was just able to take a breath and re-center himself is astounding -just heard tango say battery in a british accent it was extremely good and very disconcerting! - aww zeds tryna coach tango through this ‘ just keep going round man just keep goin round’ - I’m about an hour and a half in and i think tango has transcended fear

HSHJDDFSKJSFDN THUS IS PROBABYL THE FUNNIEST SCREEN SHOT I’VE EVER TAKEN

- this game has better ambulatory wheelchair user representation that most tv shows - HDHFKJDSHFS THE MACHAMP

#i do no believe anyone is interested in this #but i made this blog for me purposes #and thats on that!#horror time #there thats a tag you can check if you for some reason wanna keep up #this is just becoming a quotes page #which was inevitable because these fuckers are extremely funny

36 notes · View notes

thewnchstrs · 5 years

Text

Broken Halos Prologue

Pairing: JensenXDanneel, JaredXGen

Disclaimers: none!

Word Count: 2.4K

A/N: okay so I’m trying something new for my next series! For the prologue, I just decided to do a series of social media posts through the reader’s point of view. Let me know what you think!!

Also: the reader is about 16 in this series and has been working on the show for about twelve years playing Liz Winchester, Sam and Dean’s sister :)

S E R I E S M A S T E R L I S T

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February 3, 2019

“Now click ‘share’,” Jared said, pointing to the upper right corner of my phone screen as I watched the picture of the Impala I’d taken load onto the Instagram feed. “Your first Instagram post!”

“Better late than never I guess,” I said, smiling down at the screen when Jensen’s comment travel quickly to the top. Jared and I squinted it at before looking up quickly to Jensen who was in his director chair, motioning for us to get into the car to start the next scene.

“He’s no fun,” Jared joked, the two of us sliding into the Impala as he explained the ins and outs of an Instagram story.

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March 1, 2019

“Happy birthday to you!” the cast and crew finished after Jensen finally broke and let us sing for him on his birthday, the group erupting into cheers and claps.

“Alright, alright,” Jensen said as he waved us off, the tips of his ears slightly pink. “Thanks you guys.”

After singing our off-key tune everyone began to disperse in order to get the filming day started. I snuck up next to Jensen as we began to walk toward the trailers, giving him a sideways hug.

“Happy birthday,” I said as he squeezed my shoulder. “Any big birthday plans?”

“Work,” he laughed.

“Aw, c’mon! You don’t have anything planned?”

“Y/N, my four birthday parties last year were enough to last me the rest of my life.”

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March 24, 2019

“Rocco, lets go!” My dad said as we continued to run down our usual path at the back of the house. I turned to look back over my shoulder where Rocco was rolling over onto his back, his paws in the air and looking up at my dad.

I laughed, jogging back as I rubbed Rocco’s belly after taking a picture of him, “He knows he’s cute, that’s why he does this.”

After his picture had been taken, Rocco quickly rolled back up onto his four legs, watching us as if he were finally ready to go. Dad laughed, patting Rocco on his head, “He is pretty cute.”

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April 13, 2019

I couldn’t count the amount of times I’d been to Chicago, but it felt like every time I landed in that big city it seemed like it couldn’t get any better. I gazed out the plane window down at the city lights that shown brightly against the dark sky.

“It’s pretty, huh?” Mom said as she leaned over the armrest between us to look out the window. I nodded, not wanting to look away for even a second.

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April 19, 2019

I fell on top of the hotel bed, huffing as I splayed my arms and legs across it, my ankles feeling like they were on fire. I tore the heels off, throwing them onto the floor.

“We’re never doing that again,” I laughed to my friend Sydney who flopped against the bed next to me.

She nodded in agreement, “But it was so fun.”

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April 25, 2019

I set the popcorn down on the coffee table, sitting in between my parents as we switched the channel, getting ready to watch the season finale.

“What do you think’s gonna happen?” My mom asked my dad.

Dad shrugged, grabbing a handful of popcorn, “I don’t know, I just hope they’re all in one piece by the end of it.”

I glanced to the two of them, “You know I could just tell you-”

“No!” They nearly shouted in unison. I laughed shaking my head as they shushed me. “It’s starting!”

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May 3, 2019

I breathed deeply, the crisp air around us unlike anything I’d ever felt before. Sydney and Daniel trailed close behind as we hiked the trails.

“Isn’t this the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?” I asked as we looked around.

“It’s amazing,” Sydney agreed as we peered up at the mountains surrounding us.

Daniel gripped his backpack strap tighter in his hands, “Yeah...alright, that’s enough heights for me for the day. What do you say we head back down?”

“Just five more minutes,” I said as I stared off, Sydney and I dropping our backpacks to the ground.

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May 22, 2019

I crossed off another day on my calendar, flipping it to the next page to see the large circle around June 22. I smiled, the thought of another convention making my heart swell. The last few weeks were hard, like some days are and it was reassuring to know I had something good to look forward to in the future.

I ran my hand over the Always Keep Fighting sticker I’d stuck to my bedroom mirror, reminding myself that even in these hard days, no matter how bad they seemed, there would always be something just on the horizon worth sticking around for.

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June 22, 2019

“Why are you wearing that in June?” Jensen asked as he looked at my outfit during the gold panel. “We’re in Texas!”

The comment made the crowd erupt into laughter. I looked down to my all-black outfit before looking up to him, “Hurts being this good looking.”

The three of us laughed, Jared snapping his fingers in a Z-formation, “You tell him, girl.”

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June 29, 2019

“There she is!” Mom said as I parked the car, opening the back door and letting Rocco and Oscar out of the backseat, watching them run toward the picnic benches outside of the brewery.

I sat down next to mom and dad, watching the dogs run off to play with each other. I reached for mom’s glass of beer as she pulled it away, giving me a warning look. I turned to dad, who let me take a quick sip of his, earning him an even more stern glare.

“Hey, Y/N!” Danneel said as she came from inside, wiping her wet hands on her overalls. “Oscar was okay for you?”

I nodded, “Always. You guys busy?”

“Ahh,” she looked back toward the brewery and back to us. “Yeah, we’re pretty short staffed.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Mom asked as she stood. “We’ll help out.”

Dad nodded in agreement, “Point us where you need us.”

“No, you guys enjoy your drinks-”

“Danneel,” mom said as she laid a hand on her arm. “We’re here to help, whatever we can do.”

Danneel smiled, holding mom’s hand as she explained what she needed. “You okay watching the dogs out here for a while?”

I picked up the tennis ball, throwing it across the park, “You kidding me? This is the best part of helping out here!”

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July 9, 2019

“How do they do it?” I asked as I watched Tom and Shep easily ride the horses around the small fenced-in area. I subconsciously rubbed the back of my thighs that were sore from only riding for nearly ten minutes.

Gen laughed, adjusting Odette on her hip, “They’ve been on a horse or two.”

“Great job, you two!” I shouted to them, seeing their small smiles flash over to Gen and I. I turned to Odette, tickling her belly making her laugh. “Not much longer and you’ll be out there, too!”

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July 19, 2019

I knocked twice on Jared’s trailer before pulling it open, shielding the present behind my back. Jared looked up from the counter he was sitting at in front of his laptop, smiling at me. “What’s behind your back, Y/N?”

I scooted inside, keeping it hidden. Jared watched me closely as I held it out, handing him the poorly wrapped gift. I eyed the Christmas gift wrapping that used to say ‘Happy Birthday Jesus!’ before I took a sharpie to it and crossed out Jesus for Jared.

Jared laughed, “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I wanted to,” I said, sitting down at the bar stool on the other side of the counter. He slowly unwrapped the gift, holding it away from him slightly. I rolled my eyes. “Nothing’s going to bite you. Promise.”

Jared pulled out the framed picture of him, Jensen and I from nearly eleven years ago. I watched how his eyes dragged across all of the short messages from the cast and crew I had them all sign.

Jared looked up to me, tears in his eyes, “Y/N, I- thank you, I love it.”

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July 21, 2019

“This is a really unique feeling, we’ve been up here a few times and have been really lucky,” Jared said as we sat at our Comic Con panel for the last time. I marveled at the audience, taking my final look at them before we had to leave. “And I know last night J, Y/N and I were up talking for about two or three hours just about the show and how lucky we are. And I think, for me, I am so grateful that the friendships I’ve made, those will never go away, and what we’ve done here, that will never go away either.”

The crowd erupted into applause as Misha leaned toward his microphone, “You know, backstage we all promised we weren’t gonna cry and we all knew we were lying to each other.” Misha said, making all of us laugh. “Just...just, we love you guys, love you guys,” Misha said, looking down the panel. “Thank you.”

At this point, I couldn’t hide the tears that freely fell down my face. I ran the palms of my hands over my cheeks as I watched Jensen begin to speak, “Thanks for showing up, you guys because without you, we wouldn’t be here. It’s an amazing thing to see, this many faces who appreciate what we do...” Jensen trailed off, obviously choking up. “Just, thank you.”

I sighed, knowing it was my turn to speak. I smiled, “You guys have been such an amazing group of people who’ve quickly become our friends and...and we’re so lucky to have done this for so many years. Thanks for riding this crazy ride with us all the way.” I said, wiping away more tears, Jared patting my back. “We love you, we’ll miss you.”

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July 31, 2019

“Crap, crap, crap,” I said quickly, trying to delete the picture that was already being drowned in comments about my character’s fate. I quickly deleted the post, my heart pounding. I banged the palm of my hand against my forehead, shaking my head at myself.

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August 10, 2019

“Please stay up, please stay up...” I begged as I slowly backed away from the tents I’d spent nearly an hour on. I held my hands up, making sure not to make any sudden movements, holding my breath, waiting for them to collapse. When they stayed in place, I smiled triumphantly, turning around to where the kids were not five minutes ago. “You guys?”

I listened quietly, following the sound of quiet giggling all the way to the bathroom. I pushed the door open, my heart melting at the sight of them playing together on the rug.

“There you guys are,” I said. “I finally got those tents up-”

“We like it in here, Y/N,” JJ said. I raised my eyebrows, looking to the twins who nodded in agreement. I laughed, nodding once.

“Alright, bathroom it is.”

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August 20, 2019

The crew around us burst into fits of laughter once Jared had jumped around the corner and smashed the pie into Misha’s face, Jared’s arms thrown up in the air in triumph. Misha shook his head, the pie falling to the floor.

“I thought you’d be nice to me today!” Misha shouted at him through laughter as he wiped the pie from his face, flinging it at Jared.

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September 29, 2019

“So, my question is for Y/N,” a fan asked from the side of the stage. “What went through your head after you posted that picture on Instagram basically spoiling that Liz was alive.”

Jensen and Jared along with the audience burst into laughter. I banged my head against my microphone dramatically, but laughing with them nonetheless, “I thought I was fired!”

“Liz would’ve really been killed then,” Jensen said, laughing. “Seriously, what was the mental process you went through when you realized what you did?”

I sat back in my chair, reminiscing on my own stupidity, “Well first, I was confused why everyone was so excited I was filming, and then I went into a kind of shock where I couldn’t move for a minute, and then it was like my body was moving so fast I couldn’t remember how to work Instagram.”

Jared and Jensen laughed harder, shaking their heads before turning to the audience, “You never know! Maybe she died and she’s back as something else!” Jared said, quickly trying to take the fire off me.

I shrugged, “You never know...thanks for making me relive that.”

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November 3, 2019

I waved as the fans moved down the line, signing autographs while also trying to make small talk with each of them. I hated that it had to move so quickly, wishing I could sit down with them and talk to them individually.

The next girl in line stepped forward, smiling brightly as she handing something to me, a large book covered in a collage of pictures of Jared, Jensen, Misha and I, “This is for you, I made it.”

I smiled as I flipped through it, catching glimpses of past photo ops with fans, old pictures from set that had to have been taken nearly ten years ago. I found myself trying to fight back tears at the gift. “This is amazing, thank you.”

“I wanted you to have something for when after the show ended so you’ll always have a piece of us,” she said sweetly. I took her hands in mine before hugging her over the table, wondering how I’d gotten so lucky.

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FOREVER TAG LIST

#supernatural #supernatural oneshot #spn #spn oneshot #jensen ackles #jared padalecki #misha collins #social media posts #actor!reader #series #broken halos #instagram #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel

87 notes · View notes

sheeple · 5 years

Text

The intern | 3: ‘First’ blind dates

GIFS NOT MINE. THIS IS ALL FICTION. Genre(s): intern!au / fluff / mild angst Group(s): NCT / Red Velvet Pairing(s): Moon Taeil x fem!reader Summary: The new Elysion Publishings intern is the youngest they ever had. It’s not a problem until she grabs the attention of the IT guy. Warning(s): Age-gap of five years [Masterlist] [Mini masterlist]

“Ahhh”, I groan, smelling my hands in disgust, “my hands still reek like onions. I washed them more than twenty times the past three days.”

As punishment for running away and hiding from Wendy, I had to peel forty unions to help her make some dish she had to make for a family gathering. The worst part is that I couldn’t even eat it.

Wendy scoffs. “That’s for smart-mouthing me. Don’t forget hiding from me! How did you even get from the roof back to your desk without me noticing.”

I shrug with a slight smile. “A question for you, knowledge for me.”

Wendy scoffs again and hits me on the head. I yelp and almost fall of my chair.

“Stop it! I already said that I’m sorry over a thousand times, what more do I have to do to earn your forgiveness?”

She spins around and leans closer to me with a sly smirk. “Go out with my cousin.”

My eyes grow wide and I choke on air. “I.. what?! Your cousin?”

Wendy nods while grabbing her phone. “Yeah. His name’s Mark, a good kid. He only games and hangs around his friends. It’s driving my aunt crazy.”

She shoves her phone under my nose with an Instagram account displayed on it.

“‘mork_thedork’? That’s cute. He’s cute too, though.”

“I know right!”, beams Wendy as I send his Insta to my dm. “Shall I text him to tell he has a date?”

I hum while giving Wendy’s phone back. “Yeah okay. Tell him that he can choose where to go.”

She nods as she turns back towards her desk. Her knee bumps against it and a pen fall off the edge, landing right under my desk. I groan and slide off my chair, reaching my pen.

“Fan of hiding under desks, I see”, jokes a voice and I yelp, letting out a loud ‘oof’ as I hit my head on the desk.

I get away under the table while rubbing my head and see the IT guy standing there with an amused grin on his face.

“Jezus Christ, you scared me to death”, I pout as I get back on my chair.

He laughs, leaning casually on my desk. “Well, you seem fine.”

I roll my eyes. “Har har. What even are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be knees deep in some digital problem?”

“Well, I should, but I was called down to fix the copy machine. And to grab a cup coffee but it seems like that machine is also broken.”

Taeyong lets out a relieved ‘finally!’, and throws his hands up in the air, earning a high five from Johnny

I hum as I ignore the dweebs on front of me, resting my head on my hands and going through my finder to open an InDesign document. “Isn’t fixing copy machines the job of the janitor?”

He nods. “Yup”, he says, popping the p, “but he’s home with a broken foot. Someone dropped an old copy machine from the 90′s on him.”

I giggle. “How suitable.”

As the IT guy wants to say something, his telephone rings and he picks up. He nods and hums, giving multiple yesses before he hangs up.

“I have to go. Promise me we will grab a cup of coffee soon.” He holds up his pinky.

I laugh and link our pinkies. “Promise. Now go.” I shoo him away and wave before he steps into the elevator.

“He was totally flirting with you”, says Wendy while jabbing in my side.

“Was not”, I roll my eyes as I turn back to my laptop screen and push her hand away.

“He was”, say Taeyong and Johnny together in union as they peek over the wall dividers. “From the way the smiled, leaned closer, and not forget the linking of pinkies.” Johnny flutters his lashes dramatically while clasping his hands together.

I snort and push his face away. “Whatever, dweeps.”

“Does he even know that you're a literal child?”, asks Wendy.

I clap my hands together and breath deeply in and out, convincing myself that it is not okay to hit old people. Can’t have a case of elder abuse on my criminal record.

“No”, I say calmly. “I don’t even know his name, how would he know my age?”

“Moon Taeil”, says Taeyong as he picks up a card from the floor, “born June fourteenth in ‘94.”

“He old”, I joke, what earns me a hit on the head from three different sides.

With a pout, I rub my head while grabbing the keycard out of Taeyong’s hands. “I’ll return it during my break.”

“Which is now”, says Johnny after he checks his watch.

“Go to your loverboy.” Taeyong waves me off as I grab my lunch.

“You know, from all the people, I had the most trust in you, Taeyong.” I shake my head in faux disappointment.

And as I walk away, I hear: “call me Oppa, goddamnit!” I imagine him dramatically shaking his fist in the air as he stares at me with drama in his eyes.

I press the button on the twenty-fifth floor and smile at the other people inside the elevator as I get off.

I knock on the door with a slight smile before I walk into the IT room and lean against the desk.

“Well, when I said ‘soon’, I didn’t imagine it being this soon.” The IT guy, now known as Taeil, shows me a charming smile.

It makes my heart flutter, but I quickly dismiss it. I’m not here to find a significant other. I’m here to learn and that’s the only thing I will do.

“Neither did I. But you dropped this on the ground and I thought that you wanted this back.” I lay the keycard on the desk and slide it to him.

“Did I lose it then?”, he questions and I raise my eyebrows.

“Yes. It’s not like Taeyong sneakily grabbed it from your back pocket or so.”

Taeil shakes his head as he puts his keycard back into his pocket. “Thanks, though. You saved me from a lot of unnecessary expenses.”

I cock my head to the side. “How so?”

He folds his arms in front of his chest while leaning onto the desk. “Well, the company doesn’t like it when we lose stuff that is essentially theirs. Such a little keycard can cost up to one-hundred-thousand Won.”

My eyes bulge out. That’s like 75 euros for such a small thing!

“Better not lose mine then”, I chuckle as I grab my lunch. “Well, I will be off to lunch. Bye-bye!” I wave Taeil goodbye and turn around.

“Wait!”, he calls and I stop dead in my tracks. He walks up to me with his hands in his pockets and with a smile, he asks: “have you already eaten up on the roof?”

I shake sadly my head. “Wendy says it’s too cold, even though it’s mid-September. And the guys won’t join because they're just boring.”

Taeil shakes his head smiling. “Shall we go to the roof, together?”

My eyes grow wide. “W... we? Like you and me?”

He licks his lips. “I mean, only if you want to! I’m not forcing anything. If you rather go to your friends, I completely understand.” Taeil turns away with slumped shoulders and I quickly grab his wrist.

“Dude, chill okay? I would really like for us two to eat our lunch on the roof. Lemme text my friend and then we can go.”

“Okay, let’s go”, I say with a bright smile as I send Taeyong a quick text and we walk to the elevator.

After a short ride with the elevator, we arrive at the rooftop and I look in awe around me.

The rooftop is divided in two floors; the first one with bushes and benches where you can lounge around. There’s also a rooftop bar where you can order lunch or just sit around. Above the bar is another garden where you also can sit and eat.

“Wanna sit inside or outside”, questions Taeil and I look around.

Inside is pretty full and the temperature is pleasant since it’s halfway through September.

“Let’s sit outside if that’s okay with you?” I turn towards him and he nods.

We grab a plate of food and settle outside in one of the tables surrounded by bushes and trees.

“So”, I smile, “tell me something about yourself.”

Taeil looks weirdly at me and I cock my head. Did I say something wrong?

“Ahh well... I like to sing? I have a really annoying neighbour.”

“Oh, drama! Tell me about them.” I stuff my face with whatever kind of food is on my plate and munch on it as I look expectantly at him.

Taeil chuckles. “You love your gossips, don’t you? But my neighbour is this old man with twenty cats. He always complains when I have my friends over that the hallway gets dirty and disturbs his cats.”

I scrunch my nose. “That’s nonsense.”

“Right? But I can’t do anything since he’s the uncle of the landlord.” Taeil rolls his eyes as he takes a sip from his coffee. “Just a bunch of favouritism.”

After we chat some more I get a text from Wendy that there’s a team meeting in fifteen minutes. So Taeil and I finish up and get into the elevator to go down.

“See you around?”, I turn around to Taeil and he nods with a smile.

“Definitely.”

I walk out the elevator and give one small wave before I turn around, not seeing his lingering look on me before the doors close.

It’s Saturday, the day of my ‘date’ with Mark. And I am panicking. We’ve agreed to meet at three in a cafe not far from my apartment. But it’s already two-fifty-five and I just left the comfort of my home.

I just couldn’t decide what to wear. First impressions are the most important, so wearing something cute is a must. The weather is also working against me. It’s too cold for just a t-shirt but too warm for a sweater. So I just decided to go with a cute blouse, denim jeans and jacket, and just a small bag to put my keys and phone in.

As I rush into the cafe, my eyes scan around the place. I see a hand shoot up and wave at me as a smile grows on my face.

I walk towards the table where Mark sits and take a seat in front of him.

We’ve texted before so I have a general idea what he looks like because he sent me a snap of his face. But still, a snap is only a couple seconds and he’s cute as fuck.

What is it with Korean people and being fine as fuck?

“He-hi!”, he stutters nervously as he shows me a small smile. “I’m Mark Lee. But you already knew that since you saw my Instagram and Snapchat. You probably also heard it from Wendy and... I’m babbling...” Mark awkwardly scratches the back of his neck, looking away embarrassed.

“It’s okay”, I smile adoringly. “Being nervous is okay. To be honest, I’m quite nervous too.” I lean a bit forward as I whisper the last part.

Mark snorts. “Yeah, as if. Just... look at you.” He points at me and I look down, searching if there is something wrong.

“You’re so beautiful and probably perfect. You should have done this plenty of times.”

My cheeks heat up and I feel the blood rush to my ears. “I have... I─ erhm... Oh my God, I am speechless. Thank you... for the compliment” I bite my lip and run a hand through my hair, ruffling it slightly.

“But I have actually never done this, to be honest. I am always so focused on school that going on dates or even dating never really seemed a thing for me.”

Mark shakes his head. “You should, tho. I bet you have guys falling at your feet back home.”

Now it’s my turn to snort. “As if”, I chuckle while roll my eyes. “I don’t really fit the standard girlfriend-mould most guys my age have.”

He scoffs. “Stupid.”

I smile and turn away, trying to control my blushing cheeks.

“Hi! What can I get you both?”, chimes a girl, taking a notepad out of her apron with a big smile.

“Erm... An iced Americano for me.” Mark folds his hands together.

“An iced Americano noted. And for you?”

I lick my lips, glancing over the menu. “Just a frapé caramel.”

The girl nods while noting our orders and turns around.

“So, your a frapé kind of girl”, laughs Mark while leaning back in his chair.

I shrug and laugh. “Oh well, you know, just being a basic white girl.”

Mark laughs loudly at my statement as if it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

Our drinks come shortly after since there are only a few people in the cafe and I sip it.

“Are you also one of those anti-reusable straw supporters?” Mark grins while sipping his Americano.

“As if. Back home the whole save-the-turtles-thing”, while saying, I spread my hands and shake them, doing way too enthusiastic jazz hands, “is not really big.”

Mark raises his eyebrows while letting out a gasp. “You brutes! Your home country sounds like a weird place, no offence”, he jokes.

“None taken.”

“But, how are you nineteen and already in your graduation year of college?”

I lick my lips and inhale deeply. “Are you ready for a long and complex explanation of the school system?”, I ask while looking him deeply in the eye, leaning towards him.

Mark does the same and nods.

“Okay, so. Children start primary school when their four. They continue it for eight years and then they go to high school. But here’s the catch; we get divided into different levels depending on how smart you are.”

Mark nods slowly, processing the information he just received. “So, you’re like twelve years old when you enter high school.”

I nod while taking a big gulp of my frapé. “Indeed. The lowest level ─ let’s call it pre-vocational for now ─ is four years. You’re sixteen when you graduate. The next level is called ─ and I kid you not ─ higher pre-vocational. That is five years and you will be seventeen while graduating.”

“Every level higher is a year more?”, he asks unsure and I nod.

“Yup. There is another level that is six years but that’s for the really smart people. They’re eighteen when done.”

Mark exclaims in wonder while nodding slowly. “Let me guess, you did the highest?”

I laugh loudly. “As if. I did pre-vocational and then got to do a study graphic design at vocational level. But there’s a catch.”

“There’s always a catch. What did you do? Murder someone?”

“I wish”, I laugh, “but no. I was actually three and a half when I started primary school so I actually need to be a year lower. The kindergarten group at my school what chock full so they said children born between September 27th until October 27th can go to first grade.”

Mark’s mouth falls open as he looks at me shocked. “So you shouldn’t even be here?”

I exclaim and give him a shove against his shoulder. “I so do!”

“You so totally murdered someone. This is too wild to be true. You can’t be smarter than me.”

I roll my eyes. “Now, tell about yourself! We’ve only talked about me and it gets boring.”

“Thank God you finally noticed”, he jokes and I kick him under the table, making him choke on his coffee.

“Well... I just graduated high school and just started college. I major in music.”

“Oooh, that sounds like so much fun! What instruments can you play? Can you also sing?”

My bombardment of questions makes him blush and he looks away. “I mean, I think I am pretty solid at singing. If you want to hear, you can check my Soundcloud, I post there some of my own works. My friends also join me sometimes.”

I hum. “I saw the link on your Insta. I’ve yet to check it out. I promise though.”

“Yo-you do?”

I nod and hold up my pinky. “Once you pinky promise, you can’t back out.”

We link your pinkies and I swear, I never saw a happier smile on anyone’s face than Mark’s at that moment.

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