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k-s-morgan · 4 years

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Will’s vs. Hannibal’s Ways of Expressing Love

The fact that Hannibal loves Will and is in love with him is openly stated in the show several times. Will’s feelings, on the other hand, are more ambiguous, which is why some viewers often doubt whether Hannibal’s love is reciprocated. I think that exploring the ways these two men experience and react to love can explain the varying degrees of their openness about it.

I’ll put TLDR right here: Hannibal is more open about himself and his feelings, including love, hence he doesn’t have many challenges with admitting it. Will is closed off, stiff, and emotionally repressed, so he expresses his feelings in a much more subtle way.

Let’s start with Hannibal. Details about his past are scarce, but we know that he admits to loving two people throughout his life, his sister and Will.

E3 of S3.

*Bedelia: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict … I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. A force of mind and circumstance.*

*Hannibal: Love.*

Undoubtedly, Hannibal’s love for Mischa was traumatic and unhealthy. He loved her so much that he ate a part of her body after she was killed, devastated by this loss. But it was still love that made him feel all the related emotions, so Hannibal has some experience with it. From what we know of him, he has a very broad mind. He despises limitations and overcomes them, and he is not ashamed of who he is. He isn’t embarrassed to cry in the opera or to be the first to stand up and applaud; he delights in stereotypically ‘feminine’ hobbies like cooking and clothes selection; he draws fan-art and openly expresses his admiration when it’s due. For this reason, Hannibal doesn’t have many problems with expressing love either.

Upon meeting Will, he is immediately drawn to him. He sees him as his potential partner and decides he wants to try and build a family with him as early as E2 of S1. That’s when he starts planting the idea of Abigail being their shared daughter in Will’s mind. He does the same to Abigail, urging her to see him and Will as her parents, even giving her shrooms to evoke the desired associations (unsuccessfully since Will doesn’t come to dinner). So, Hannibal acknowledged his pull/infatuation with Will from the very start, and he acted on it right away.

It’s not 100% love at this point, but Hannibal still easily follows his emotions. He doesn’t stop to consider how strange it is to want a family with a man he just met; he doesn’t agonize over the idea of how his life has more risks now that he allows another human being to know him. When these feelings progress at the end of S1/start of S2, Hannibal is finally taken aback. While he never planned to leave Will in prison and it was a part of his plan, he still didn’t expect to miss him so much — he admits it to Bedelia, looking forlorn, in E1 of S2. He repeatedly pines for Will by sitting in front of his chair at the time of his supposed appointment, glancing at the clock despite knowing Will is not going to come. This is a shift to an actual love, but Hannibal still doesn’t fight it. On the contrary, he embraces it, and he spends the entire S2 doing repeatedly romantic gestures for Will. Namely:

1) Protects Abigail to reunite Will with her later.

2) Shares a part of himself he doesn’t seem to have ever shared with anyone else. He talks to Will about Mischa, reveals his views on murder and God, acknowledges he cared about Abigail, and shows vulnerability. He shares his teacup ritual with him, which is something precious and deeply personal.

3) He digs up fake Freddie’s corpse and decorates it as a way of courting Will (as directly said by Alana).

4) He draws a fan-art of himself and Will as Achilles and Patroclus.

5) He is ready to abandon his well-established life in Baltimore and reputation to run away with Will. In Hannibal’s view, no one truly suspects him and there is no evidence against him, but Will is in danger. So he’s willing to discard everything he’s been building for 20 years for him.

Finally, he calls Will a loved one more or less directly in E13 of S2 (in fact, he implies that they both love each other).

*Hannibal: Do you know what an imago is, Will? … An imago is an image of a loved one buried in the unconscious, carried with us all our lives.*

*Will: An ideal.*

*Hannibal: The concept of an ideal... I have a concept of you, just as you have a concept of me.*

Will hurts him with his betrayal, and Hannibal still finds himself unable to kill him. He is openly crying in the finale, admitting how Will hurt him, breaks his (and his own) heart by killing Abigail, and flees to Europe to start a new life. But things don’t go as he hoped they would. Bedelia is not a worthy substitute, and Hannibal is increasingly slipping into a self-destructive state because of his love for Will. He kills Anthony, who was an improved copy of Will, and turns him into a Valentine heart for him. Again, this is a very explicit and open emotional action. Hannibal doesn’t hide his feelings. He’s an emotional wreck with Bedelia in E3, and as they are talking about Will, he admits he’s in love with him.

*Hannibal: You cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love.*

Bedelia points out his self-destructiveness.

*Bedelia: You're going to get caught. It's already been set into motion … I know exactly how I will be navigating my way out of whatever it is I’ve gotten myself into. Do you?*

After Hannibal keeps spiraling and kills Sogliato, she adds: *You're drawing them to you, aren't you? All of them.*

Hannibal gets so self-destructive over Will that he lets Jack beat himself almost to death, not even attempting to fight him. The first words he says to Will after they reunite in E6 are:

*Hannibal: If I saw you every day forever, Will, I would remember this time.*

He’s a romantic. The courtship, the Valentine heart, the romance — Hannibal did have some struggles, but overall, he accepts these feelings and isn’t afraid to act on them.

When Will pulls a knife in E6, Hannibal classifies it as another betrayal. This is where he decides to kill and eat him in the hope to put an end to this misery (which is what he and Bedelia discussed back in E3). However, even blinded by another heartbreak, Hannibal tries to save Will at the same time. He knows the police are coming and he puts off the moment of sawing for as long as he can, first fussing over Will and his wound, then waiting for Jack, then doing everything slowly as hell.

Everything changes in E7, when Hannibal faces the real risk of losing Will and comes to terms with the fact that a hope of life with him is better than life without him. So Hannibal carries Will home bridal-style, takes care of him, waits for him to wake up and writes formulas to reverse time. He directly tells Will that Will won, and that he, Hannibal, is at Will’s mercy.

*Hannibal: Your memory palace is building. It's full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I've discovered you there. Victorious.*

He gives himself up, sacrificing the freedom he’s been fighting for back in E2 finale, in the hope that one day, Will is going to come back to him. After this, Hannibal is all about Will, with all his heart. Throughout the second half of S3, he says things like, *“I gave you a child. You are family, Will. Was it good to see me?”*, etc. He agrees to risk his life by agreeing to Will’s plan, knowing he’s planning something but not knowing what and if he’d die in the process. In E13, Hannibal says:

*Hannibal: "No greater love hath man than to lay down his life for a friend"* and shields Will from the bullet. Later, he allows Will to push them both down, and he stays with him afterward.

Conclusion: Hannibal is very accepting of himself, so he doesn’t undergo severe challenges on the path to acknowledging what he feels for Will. He knows what love feels like because he felt it for Mischa before, so he embraces loving Will pretty quickly, even though he doesn’t know how to best approach it at times. That’s why we get direct and explicit confirmation of his feelings several times.

Now, on to Will.

Unlike with Hannibal, there is no evidence that Will has ever experienced love before (at least love for people). We know he had a father and was lonely as a child.

E4 of S1.

*Will: We were poor. I followed my father from the boat yards in Biloxi and Greenville to lake boats on Erie.*

*Hannibal: Always the new boy at school? Always the stranger?*

*Will: Always.*

His choice of words indicates that his relationship with his father wasn’t all that good (for instance, *I followed my father* instead of *My father and I had to…*). So, it doesn’t look like Will ever had meaningful connections. More than that, he says:

*Will: There’s something so foreign about family. Like an ill-fitting suit. Never connected to the concept.*

We can suggest that he doesn’t know what love is or how it feels like. From E1, we know he isolates himself because he hates himself for who he is: he understands he’s different, that there is darkness in him, but he desperately tries to subdue it and deny this fact. He’s rude, twitchy, and unhappy, but like Hannibal, he understands the extent of his loneliness only upon meeting him. That’s when he tries forming relationships with others.

Will’s relationships with Alana and Abigail are a good indication of his problems with love. He wants to be with Alana because he needs to feel normal. In 99% of cases, he remembers about her only when she comes to seek him out first. He kisses her for the first time at the moment of particular vulnerability, fearing that he’s finally losing his mind (in E8). When Hannibal calls him out on it, Will doesn’t deny it and semi-nods. He actually had to agree with it verbally according to the script.

*Will: I feel unstable.*

*Hannibal: That’s why you kissed her. A clutch for balance.*

*Will: Because I’m losing mine.*

So, it’s not that Will feels romantic love for Alana — he uses her because he desperately needs to feel like everyone else. Alana is a pretty, smart, normal woman who fits this goal perfectly. He doesn’t allow himself to be genuine with her unlike he does with Hannibal, to whom he opens up.

Will confesses to Hannibal that he loved killing Hobbs in E2, which got him down and made him panic. Hannibal supports him, and Will keeps coming back to him. He talks about everything important with Hannibal, opening parts of himself that he guards from everyone else. Will asks Hannibal to look after his dogs as early as E4 — he doesn’t have other friends, and he’s already focused on Hannibal. He buys into an idea of having a family with him and Abigail, which is amazing for Will, who has just said he could never relate to the concept of family.

When Will buys a gift for Abigail in the same E4 and freaks out, Hannibal asks him:

*Hannibal: Feeling paternal, Will?*

Will’s reaction is instant and defensive:

*Will: Aren’t you?*

Hannibal easily says “yes”, which disarms Will. This is a great contrast between them: Hannibal isn’t afraid to talk and acknowledge his feelings while Will is embarrassed of them and shies away from them. In fact, this is a repeat of their conversation in E2.

*Hannibal: You saved Abigail Hobbs' life. You also orphaned her. It comes with certain emotional obligations.*

*Will: You were there. You saved her life, too. Do you feel obligated?*

Again, Will deflects. He’s wary of emotions, especially of admitting them out loud.

Will shows a hint of romantic interest in Hannibal in E7. He brings him a bottle of wine out of blue, but unfortunately, he stumbles upon the party Hannibal is preparing. Hannibal invites him to stay, but Will says he won’t be good company. He’s shy and awkward, smiling nervously and dropping his gaze in embarrassment. Then we have this lovely line:

*Will: I’ve got a date with the Chesapeake Ripper.*

So, in S1, Will makes considerable emotional progress. He realizes he wants a family after all, and while he makes several half-hearted attempts to court Alana, he’s mostly focused on Hannibal and Abigail. He opens himself up to Hannibal, receives official guardianship over Abigail with him, arguably flirts with Hannibal (like in the wine scene above), and covers up murder to protect their family. But then Hannibal betrays him. Will doesn’t know his reasons yet, but this betrayal plunged him into darkness, bitterness, and new stage of emotional repression. It’s worth mentioning another point of Abigail here: in the end, Will doesn’t know her. He spoke to her only several times, and even fewer times were genuine. He loves the idea of her, and this idea was introduced by Hannibal, not by Abigail’s presence. It’s Hannibal who forced Will to confront his need to love and be loved.

In S2, Will is incredibly conflicted. He acknowledges to Hannibal that he hurt him, tries to kill him via Matthew, but when he recognizes that Hannibal wants him as a friend (as spoken in E7), his attitude changes. Will doesn’t plan to forgive him, he’s still angry at Hannibal for killing Abigail (which is his biggest conflict, as evident from his talks with Hannibal himself and Freddie), but now, he can’t bring himself to harm or betray Hannibal.

He gets his first chance in E7, after being released from prison. He threatens Hannibal with a gun and has a perfect chance to make him pay, but he doesn’t. Instead, he conspires with Jack and decides to cultivate co-dependency, creating an environment where only he “and the fish exist” (E8). What does Will do to start? He makes himself physically attractive, grooming and dressing prettily. It’s a seduction on all levels, and Will plans to use emotions to hurt Hannibal back. At the same time, Will admits to being confused over what he feels for Hannibal.

E8 of S2.

*Will: I envy you your hate. Makes it much easier when you know how to feel.*

E9 of S2 (talking about trying to kill Hannibal with Margot).

*Margot: Did he have it coming?*

*Will: What do you think?*

*Margot: I can't say that I know.*

*Will: Neither can I.*

He spends the rest of the season lying to both Hannibal and Jack, unsure whose side to choose, too lost in his own feelings to make sense of them. At the same time, he has a dream where Hannibal calls him beloved in E9. It shows that Will contemplates the idea of love in relation to Hannibal. In E10, Will tries to fantasize about Alana as he’s having sex with Margot. However, he sees the image of Wendigo near the fireplace, Wendigo who he’s used to associating with Hannibal. Two interesting things (copied from my other meta): first, Will actually sees Hannibal’s room and consequently, he sees himself in it (or he sees their rooms united). Second, he sees the Wendigo near Hannibal’s fireplace. Fireplace has many meanings, including passion, sexuality, home, family, and resurrection. It emphasizes the sexual and romantic subtext of this uniquely shot scene, where people destined to be together have sex with the wrong partners. Will’s vision begins to contract, focusing on Wendigo: he is having an orgasm at this very moment, imagining the Wendigo’s face very close, approaching him. Still through the misty eyes, he tries to focus on Alana again, but his gaze moves up to Wendigo above her, as if he can’t help himself. He and Hannibal reach orgasm first, with Alana and Margot following them. So, Will dragged Hannibal into his sex fantasy. It’s both symbolic and physical: he tried to imagine Alana just like he tried to have a relationship with her before, in S1, out of his desire to be normal. But his attention is inevitably drawn to Hannibal, who’s his “real deal”.

Based on this scene, it’s underlined once again how Will struggles with emotions. Even in the safety of his own mind, in his own fantasy, he tries to think of Alana but still ends up with Hannibal. Will is always fighting himself and who he is. He refuses to accept his darkness just as he refuses to admit he loves Hannibal. It’s the essence of who he is, denial is his second name.

Among the important moments, there are Will’s words to Hannibal:

*Will: You are right. We are just alike. You are as alone as I am. And we are both alone without each other.*

So, Will accepts the bond with Hannibal, and at this stage, he even has the courage to voice some of his emotional thoughts. His progress is slow, but it’s there.

In E11, Will has a nightmare. He sees a burning corpse of ‘Freddie’ in a wheelchair, a symbol of his betrayal of Hannibal, and he hears his own increasing screaming. It’s easy to interpret, knowing the context: Will feels guilty for lying to Hannibal.

When Margot loses her child, Will feels renewed anger at Hannibal. He fantasizes about killing him and gets to realize his fantasy with Mason’s help in E12. But at the last moment, Will changes his mind and chooses Hannibal. He does the same thing in E13 by calling him. When he sees him, he doesn’t even try to point a gun at him: he asks why he didn’t leave as he was supposed to, and he even leans forward to accept the knife, accept the punishment for betrayal.

So, Will chooses Hannibal over Abigail, for whom he wanted justice; over his and Margot’s child, for whom he wanted revenge; over Jack and Alana, who were his only semblance of friends; over his own confusion and desire to be normal. For someone as emotionally stunted as Will, it’s huge. It proves that he loves Hannibal and is willing to compromise all other relationships he has formed as well his own beliefs for him (while Will is dark, he tries to fight it because he doesn’t think people like them are normal). Is it romantic? Will’s dream with the word “beloved” and his sex fantasy, as well as his acceptance of the idea that he and Hannibal were Abigail’s fathers (which makes them partners) imply that yes, romantic feeling is a part of it.

Hannibal’s romantic feelings became explicit in S3, and so did Will’s. But since Hannibal is more open and self-accepting, his were discussed out loud while Will’s were mostly portrayed silently, implied, and alluded to.

Will builds a boat to sail and find Hannibal, which is pretty romantic by itself. He spends his time in Hannibal’s house, in the kitchen where their bloody break-up happened, imagining Abigail near him. When Alana comes to find him, he asks her to leave. He’s cold and indifferent toward her — she’s not what he wants, and he’s not interested in even friendship with her. All he wants is to mourn his lost family with Hannibal and Abigail. Again, Hannibal is Will’s priority.

Will imagines his perfect world as the one where he and Hannibal killed Jack together. This scene is intercut with his Mizumono memories, namely, with Hannibal's face that emerges every time he moves yet another part of the engine. This is a vivid demonstration of Will trying to repair what is now broken. When Jack asks him why he called him, Will is indifferent and genuine:

*Will: I wasn't decided when I called him. I just called him. I deliberated while the phone rang. I decided when I heard his voice … I told him to leave. I wanted him to run … Because he was my friend. And because I wanted to run away with him.*

That’s a big admission for Will. This is the first time he openly acknowledges Hannibal as his friend in front of another person. Chilton calls Will and Hannibal’s interactions a “flirtation” in this episode, which once again points us in the romantic direction.

The entire E2 of S3 is dedicated to Will’s love for Hannibal, where he argues about it with himself in the form of imaginary Abigail. This is another proof of Will’s problem with emotions in general and emotions for Hannibal in particular. He can’t just think to himself as normal people do — no, he can’t admit how much he loves Hannibal this. Instead, he imagines Abigail and talks to himself through her to make it easier. He berates himself for lying.

*Will/Abigail: We were all supposed to leave together. He made a place for us. Why did you lie to him? He gave you a chance to take it all back, and you just kept lying.*

Will is reverent about Hannibal; he keeps talking about him over and over again.

*Will: This isn't Hannibal, it's just where he begins. Beyond this, far and complex, light and dark, is the vast structure of his mind. A thousand rooms, miles of corridors. Everything he remembers, wonderfully and fearfully reconstructed.*

Will goes as far as lies at the place where Hannibal’s Valentine heart for him was, reconstructing this image and trying to feel close to him. The heart comes to life the moment Will touches it, which is romantic. Will says:

*Will: A valentine written on a broken man … I do feel closer to Hannibal here. God only knows where I would be without him … He left us his broken heart … He misses us.*

He looks on the verge of tears, so Hannibal’s gift touched him. Will is overcome by emotions. At this very moment, his more frightened side suggests that Hannibal is also playing with him.

*Will: Hannibal follows several trains of thought at once without distraction from any, and one of the trains is always for his own amusement.*

We know it’s not the case, especially here, but Will has trust issues and a low self-esteem. He’s worried that Hannibal’s feelings for him aren’t as strong as he thinks they are, which is why he’s not sure how to react himself. He asks himself, *“You still want to go with him?”* and replies, *“Yes.” He wonders about what life they’d have if they left.

*Will: What if no one died? What if we all left together? Like we were supposed to. After he served the lamb. Where would we have gone? … In some other world.*

Pazzi comes and tells Will that he hopes they’ll catch Hannibal together.

*Will: What makes you think I want to catch him?*

Later, Pazzi says:

*Pazzi: He let you know him. He sent you his heart.*

E2 ends with Will scaring Pazzi and telling him, *“You don’t know whose side I’m on.* Then he tells Hannibal he forgives him, which is also a huge step in his direction.

This entire episode proves that yes, Will loves Hannibal. Considering how he isn’t awkward from receiving a Valentine or hearing that Hannibal gave him his heart, Will shares the romantic aspect of Hannibal’s feelings for him. He regrets not running away with him and their daughter, he places himself on the floor where the heart was to feel closer to him — this is such a rich romantic subtext that it’s practically text. Especially for Will, who remains so conflicted and emotionally restrained all the time.

Will’s attitude changes after seeing Chiyoh. He becomes more bitter. Considering how dark he is in these scenes and how he constantly compares himself and Chiyoh, he likely sees her as someone Hannibal was supposed to love but easily abandoned. It makes Will draw the parallels between them, and he starts to doubt that Hannibal loves him, that his “broken heart” has any authentic meaning. That’s where he starts thinking about killing Hannibal again. He still says:

*Will: I’ve never known myself as well as I know myself when I’m with him.*

This line also speaks volumes. Hannibal gave Will a precious gift of understanding himself; he showed that he could accept him, and Will is drawn to it. Will admits the depth of their connection to yet another person. Then he makes a firefly from Chiyoh’s prisoner, a tribute that is clearly done with Hannibal in his mind, considering the style and the central topic.

Chiyoh sees right through Will’s emotional constipation. She implies that he should “kiss” Hannibal rather than keep being “violent”:

*Chiyoh: I told you, there are means of influence other than violence.*

She kisses Will then, thus showing him what others means exist. He doesn’t get it, though, since he responds to her kiss despite not feeling anything for her, and she pushes him off the train, likely admitting he’s a hopeless case.

Meeting Jack, Will tells him that a part of him will always want to leave with Hannibal. This is yet another declaration from him. Will isn’t scared of the consequences — he speaks of his feelings openly now. It’s a great development of his character.

But the feeling of doubt about Hannibal likely resurfaces further after Will sees that Hannibal replaced him and Abigail with Bedelia in E6 (hence his hatred for her since that moment). He mocks her alibi and then leaves to reunite with Hannibal. The following moment was deleted, but it still discloses some of Will’s romantic feelings:

*Will: I looked up at the night sky there. Orion above the horizon and, near it, Jupiter. I wondered if you could see it, too. I wondered if our stars were the same.*

From the words that did get into the episode:

*Will: You and I have begun to blur ... We're conjoined. Curious if either of us can survive separation.*

Will doesn’t just admit the bond between them, he elevates it the level of soulmates, implying they are one and the same. It’s also a declaration of love in his language. But love doesn’t stop Will from being vindictive, hurt, and angry, so after meetings with Chiyoh and Bedelia that affected his perception, he pulls out a knife as he and Hannibal are walking together.

There is a brain-sawing disaster after this and E7, where Will looks done and tired from the madness and his constant attempts to figure Hannibal out. He does bite Cordell before looking at Hannibal, seeking his approval; he uses “we” pronouns when speaking about Hannibal with Alana. One example:

*Will: You helped Mason Verger find us.*

So, he still sees himself and Hannibal as a team, but he’s still tired and bitter, so after everything is over, he hurts Hannibal by saying he doesn’t share his appetite and by attacking him emotionally.

*Will: I miss my dogs. I'm not going to miss you. I'm not going to find you. I'm not going to look for you. I don't want to know where you are or what you do. I don't want to think about you anymore.*

This is all personal and emotional. It sounds like a break-up, which is exactly how Bryan Fuller and others referred to it. When Hannibal leaves and Jacks arrives, Will puts on his glasses, an indication that he’s hiding again.

Fast-forward 3 years. Will is married now, but from the very start, we see that this marriage isn’t all people usually expect it to be. The first scene shows the family apart. Molly and Walter have gone fishing, which is something Will loves. He had dreams about teaching Abigail how to fish, but he doesn’t go to do that with his family, preferring to stay alone instead. It’s the first hint that his heart isn’t in this relationship, that he’s too hung up on the past to move forward and make new happy memories.

Jack came to drag him to Dragon’s case, and Will makes it look like he’s reluctant. At the same time, he doesn’t send Jack away, even though we know from the past that he has no qualms being frank when he wants to. More than that, he asks him not to show pics to Molly, but when they have dinner, Will deliberately leaves the house with Walter, leaving Jack and Molly together. At night, when Molly’s asleep, he crawls out of bed and goes to read Hannibal’s letter. He doesn’t tell the truth to Molly about himself and his dark urges, about everything he has done – Molly clearly has no idea who he truly is, considering how she jokes about his ‘criminal mind’ in later episodes and how Will immediately closes himself off from her. He never initiates physical touches with her; he doesn’t return her “I love you”, which is an even bigger indication of his lack of commitment. Will is emotionally stiff with Molly for the most part, and the only times he laughs with her or shows any emotion is when they are talking about superficial stuff in the former case and when he’s furious after Francis’ attack in the latter one. Other than that, there is no closeness or honesty.

Another point of Will’s inability to express or even give his love to someone is in his scene with Walter in E11. This child, his step-son, has just been attacked by a serial killer with his mother. His mother was hurt and they barely escaped. Will doesn’t hug him or offer him paternal emotional comfort; he’s very awkward. All he says is, “You're both safe here,” which is something an officer might say but not a father. Will was much more emotional in his fantasies about Abigail.

This is what Will says about Walter’s reaction to Jack:

*Will: He read about me in a Freddie Lounds article. I had to justify myself to an eleven year old.*

He’s resentful and not emotional. He doesn’t say, “I had to justify myself to my son!” – he distances himself from him. Will is cold. He has expressed his feelings for Hannibal at this point in rather poetic ways, but he can’t be bothered to do this for his wife and his son.

He treats Hannibal in a very reserved fashion too, in comparison to how he acted 3 years ago. However: first, there is the fact that he came to visit him in the first place. Will didn’t need his help, we saw very clearly how he managed to easily reconstruct the crime scene the night before. It proved that his mindset is in a good shape, so he didn’t need Hannibal’s assistance. But it’s Hannibal he requested to see right away.

Will distances himself from him by calling him “Doctor Lecter” and insisting that he’s more comfortable the less personal they are. His eyes glisten, though, and he can’t look away from Hannibal. The impersonal approach doesn’t last very long, too, and soon, they are talking like they always did. Hannibal accuses Will of marrying for false reasons.

*Hannibal: How did you choose yours? Readymade wife and child to serve your needs. A stepson or daughter. A stepson absolves you of any biological blame. You know better than to breed. Can't pass on those terrible traits you fear the most.*

Will doesn’t bother to deny it, though any man would have been offended, particularly if he truly loved his family. In Will’s case, from the experience and all the precedents, silence = agreement.

In E10, Will seeks Bedelia out. He acts catty and jealous, targeting her personal connection with Hannibal.

*Will: You didn't lose yourself, Bedelia, you just crawled so far up his ass you couldn't be bothered.* - personal, targeted against Bedelia's attachment to Hannibal.

*Will: You hitched your star to a man commonly known as a monster. You're the Bride of Frankenstein.* - personal, attack with romantic connotation. Bedelia catches up on it and mocks him:

*Bedelia: We've both been his bride. Have you been to see him?*

*Will: Yes.*

*Bedelia: Haven't learned anything, have you? Or did you just miss him that much?*

*Will: Have you been to see him?* - personal again. Will wants to know if Bedelia is keeping contact with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: I've seen enough of him. I was with him behind the veil. You were always on the other side.*

*Will: Something we should talk about.* - again, personal. It's all personal, which is why Bryan and Hugh called them Hannibal's jealous bitchy exes. Will is palpably jealous and he shows his resentment to Bedelia openly.

Later, we have some more romantic references.

*Bedelia: My relationship with Hannibal is not as passionate as yours. You are here visiting old flame. Is your wife aware of how intimately you and Hannibal know each other? … Your experience of Hannibal’s attention is so profoundly harmful yet so irresistible, it undermines your ability to think rationally.*

So, there is romantic text, parallels between Hannibal and Will’s wife, and Will doesn’t deny any of this again. He keeps coming to Bedelia because she’s the only person he can talk about Hannibal to without being watched.

After Hannibal sends Francis after Molly and Walter, Will spends about a minute being angry with him. Then he accuses Hannibal of staging a competition between him and Francis. It is startling: Will spent months, years mourning the loss of Abigail who he didn’t even really know personally, yet he forgets the gravity of what happened to his wife and won very quickly. He leaves Molly and Walter and tells Bedelia that they are finished. One traumatic event, and Will left. It coincides with something very important that happened here: after this, Will finally figures out Hannibal is truly in love with him. So he goes to Bedelia to discuss it with her.

*Will: Is Hannibal in love with me?*

*Bedelia: Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes. But do you ache for him?*

Will is predictably silent. Obviously, if the answer was no, he would have said no. But he struggles because like we established, he has issues with expressing emotions. He only managed to start referring to Hannibal as his friend openly in this season, opening up about some of his feelings, but he’s not ready to go this far. It would be absolutely out of character for Will to say, “Yes, you know, I’m in love with him! Thanks for helping me see it.” Every confession Will makes is preceded by struggles and heartbreak. But he’s going to reply to Bedelia’s question, only not explicitly-verbally.

Will sets up Chilton and then comes to allegedly say good-bye to Hannibal. He lies several times in their conversation (about Chilton and Molly with Walter), so all his words are automatically suspicious. Regardless, he destroys Hannibal emotionally and walks away. Personally, I believe he was already planning to break him out, so he was playing it up for cameras and also taking a chance to hurt Hannibal for everything again. But whatever his plan was, what happens next is that Will conspires with Francis against Jack, Alana, and the FBI. They agree to break Hannibal out together. Will lies to Jack and then gets to ask Hannibal for help. He’s being flirty and manipulative in this scene.

*Will: I need you, Hannibal … You're our best shot, Hannibal. Please.*

He’s smirking, he leans close to Hannibal, he sends him a flirty look from under his eyelashes. Will is thoroughly enjoying himself, and he does it best when he has some excuse to hide behind.

Later, he lies to Jack and Alana again, leaks info to Francis (who nearly killed his wife and son), and gets many officers killed by proxy. He tells Bedelia the truth that he doesn’t “intend Hannibal to be caught a second time.” He also implies that he’s going to let him go free, which is why Bedelia should pack her bags.

*Bedelia: Can't live with him. Can't live without him. Is that what this is?*

This time, Will agrees, although in his way.

*Will: I guess this is my Becoming.*

For Will, Becoming was always connected to his feelings for Hannibal because accepting himself and his darkness meant being free to escape with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: You found religion. Nothing more dangerous than that.*

In E3, it was stated that love is a God (you can find more here https://www.reddit.com/r/HannibalTV/comments/7w54dg/lovegodreligion_s3_parallels/), so it’s possible to say that religion = love in this context. It certainly makes sense. Will is accepting himself and his emotions, and the trigger was establishing for sure that Hannibal is in love with him.

Will and Hannibal drive to the cliff house. When Hannibal asks Will if he intends to save himself by killing them both (Hannibal and Francis), Will replies:

*Will: I don't know if I can save myself. And maybe that's just fine.*

This is the first time he confesses that he might be incapable of killing Hannibal. Predictably, when Francis comes, Will can’t handle seeing Hannibal killed, so he reaches for his gun.

Will and Hannibal work as a unit and protect each other. Hannibal is shot, nearly strangled, thrown onto the ground, and he is still weakly holding on Francis' leg to prevent him from going after Will, even though it leaves him in an open and vulnerable position — Francis does kick him in the face with his other leg. There is fierce determination on Will's face as he stands up despite the pain and runs to save Hannibal. They act in synch, consummating their relationship.

Then, Will admires how blood looks on his hand and repeats Hannibal’s words:

*Will: It really does look black in the moonlight.*

He remembers the words Hannibal said to him weeks ago in one of their endless interactions. A bit earlier, he perfectly recalled the words Hannibal told him *years* ago, back in the middle of S2.

*Will: I understand that “blood and breath are only elements undergoing change to fuel your Radiance." Hannibal said those words. To me.*

So, Will remembers everything Hannibal told him. He stores these memories. It’s a small but still important proof how important Hannibal is for him.

At the cliff, Will finally accepts the truth.

*Hannibal: See. This is all I ever wanted for you, Will. For both of us.*

We know what Hannibal wanted: a Murder Husband. What does Will say to this?

*Will: It’s beautiful.*

This is a loud “yes” to Bedelia’s question about his feelings. Will acknowledges, accepts, and admires them. He doesn’t feel awkward, as he would if he knew Hannibal is in love with him but didn’t feel the same. No, he reaches forward to embrace him, and such physical contact from Will is mind-blowing because he almost never does it. He clings to Hannibal, puts his head on his shoulder, touches him as if he wants to melt with him. Then he gives the fate a chance to stop both of them or to set them free. They fall into the ocean under the Love Crime song, another romantic element.

Water symbolizes reborn, and post-credits scene indicates that Will and Hannibal have paid a visit to Bedelia and are in the process of eating her while she’s hiding the fork to stab one of them as he approaches. The deleted epilogue to the series shows that they are in perfect harmony now.

**Conclusion**: Will has passed through a long, painful journey. He went from hiding from emotions and deflecting to not denying and carefully acknowledging them. We don’t hear words “love” or “in love” from him in relation to Hannibal because Will is not that kind of person. He doesn’t use these words freely, and for him, every small emotional step is a struggle. He tried to deceive himself and other numerous times; he tied to deny the truth and manipulate his own mind, but with each season, his feelings for Hannibal became more and more explicit. Will reaching out for physical contact, Will saying “It’s beautiful” are his way of saying, “I ached for you. I love you.”

This is a story of mutual love and obsession, about soulmates, about unique type of connection that few people share. It’s not about Hannibal falling in love and Will not feeling the same. Their feelings are equally strong, but they express them differently, particularly as Will’s are tied to the acceptance of his own darkness.

#will graham #hannibal lecter #hannigram #nbc hannibal #murder husbands

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slytherinbarnes · 2 years

Note

now that dove released the full song, i give you a lunetavia hc.

after octavia saw bellamy kissing echo in front of la lune and somewhere between that and banishing echo publicly back in the bunker, she and la lune had a moment.

i like to imagine before clarke and madi came in the room above the arena to patch her up. la lune was still teary and staring into nothing, and octavia felt her heart constrict. they were sitting pretty close to each other, so octavia placed her uninjured palm on top of la lune’s very hesitantly. la lune squeezed back. the gesture was enough for her face to scrunch up in pain and the tears to fall again, so her head fell onto octavia’s shoulder, nuzzling into her neck. octavia’s eyes widened, and in spite the pain from the worms, her mind was flooded with long-buried feelings that were beginning to resurface.

images flashed before her eyes, one of them in a similar position outside the dropship, octavia being comforted instead. and one of them reuniting after the fateful pull of the lever that birthed wanheda and wanlida, their foreheads pulled together. octavia wants to tear her arm apart, tell her to bottle up the hurt. but by telling her so, she would also be telling herself. she had stayed alive down here, and she had made it through the dark year, all that because she gave herself fully to making sure wonkru survives. she had buried all and any feelings of affection and hurt and betrayal deep inside, under lock and key. and now, here was la lune, small sobs falling from her tired lips and her body pressed close against octavia’s, and she felt paralyzed. because she wanted to hurt her brother for treating her the way he did, and she wants to hurt echo — simply because she survived, frankly, and for being the object of resentment for the woman currently breathing into her neck.

she’d never treat her like bellamy has if she were hers, she thinks bitterly. but the train has left the station for many years now, and any aftections she still has for la lune shall be crushed. the dark year killed octavia, and in her ashes blodreina had risen. if she allows her... endearments to touch the surface again, she knows, oh, she knows wonkru will never come first again. it will, always, be la lune.

she straightens up then, la lune’s tired head pulling back in surprise. she feels her heartbroken gaze in the side of her head, and she can’t afford to stare into those willful, lovely eyes, painted in the color of the trees and the grass, reminding her of her innocence back when they landed in terra incognita. the same eyes that are now red around the edges, painted by heartbreak.

she tells la lune to go get some air, then, not meeting her gaze. she tries to sound as indifferent as possible, but she suspects fondness had seeped into her tone. she tsks as la lune leaves the room. octavia groans, her uninjured arm coming to hit her thigh in frustration. she curses la lune for being her. because the years had hardened octavia, shaped her into another woman that the one who came down from the ark. but la lune had stayed the same as octavia remembered, and a small part of her resents her for it, for not losing herself as she had.

deep down, even as her mind is made up for echo’s punishment, she knows her affections will never be returned. not in the way she wishes. la lune’s heart will always lie with her brother, and she curses whatever omnipotent force that watches over them for making them blood, and for loving him enough to never get between their love. loving her enough.

she can hear footsteps coming over, and judging by a younger girl’s excited voice, she guesses clarke has finally decided to grace her with her presence. she straightens up, solidifies her expression, pushes all her reeling thoughts deep beneath the surface.

but, she still thinks bitterly, she would be a better lover than him.

she’d never do the things he did.

@3leni ????!!!! oh my god?????!!!! I love this so fucking much!!!!!!

#talented eleni making me scream!!!!#sb answers #sub rosa headcanons #sub rosa drabbles

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witcher-and-his-bard-archive · 4 years

Text

For six months the Lady Elena has been the sole recipient of Jaskier's affections. It started as a distraction - they met at a party he attended with both Geralt and Yennefer - something to keep his mind off the fact that Geralt's heart, rough and closed-off as it is, was claimed by someone else. But Elena was bright and funny and she lavished praise on Jaskier and he was easily drawn in.

They've been sort of on-and-off since Jaskier and Geralt left Vattweir, but whenever they separate, Jaskier finds himself back beyond the mountains. And when they don't, Jaskier sings of her regularly, earning little praise and much grumbling from Geralt, but he doesn't care. For the first time since they met, Jaskier's attention isn't focused solely on Geralt and he thinks maybe if ever was to settle down and stay somewhere, it might be with Elena.

He sings of love and romance and tells Geralt he'll never love like this again - getting only grunts and hmms in response. But he is happy and more than that, he's happy that for once something has pulled him out of the slump he didn't realize he was in. His songs are cheery once more, not impeded by his unrequited feelings for Geralt. Not that those feelings aren’t still there every time Geralt smiles at him over the fire or presses a little closer on cold nights, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore.

But like most happiness in Jaskier's life, it doesn't last long.

He's been invited to sing at a banquet in Vattweir and since Geralt is with him at the time, he considers it a bonus that he finally gets to introduce them. Not that Geralt cares very much, but Jaskier does.

But things don't go quite as planned; as soon as Jaskier walks into the hall, he spots Elena and she's not alone. She's sat delicately in the lap of some nobleman Jaskier doesn't recognize and at first, he doesn't think much of it. When she leans in for a kiss, he reconsiders.

Jaskier’s heart sinks. They never specified that they wouldn't see other people, but he hasn't and he had hoped she hadn't either. Ah,well, he decides, simply a bump in the road - at least Geralt isn't with him to see the shock on his face. He can't imagine how he would react after hours of Jaskier going on about her being the one.

So he keeps this small detail to himself. Everything else is going as planned and he's sure to come out of this night with a heavy purse if nothing else. But Elena doesn't even acknowledge his presence - a difficult feat considering he's the main source of entertainment for the evening - and it doesn't take him long to figure out why. After his first set, there's an intermission and he seeks out Geralt, slipping in next to him at the table.

There's a toast. A speech. An engagement announcement - and engagement announcement for the Lady Elena and some noble or other that Jaskier’s never heard of. Well, he thinks, that would explain things.

He spends the remainder of the night wondering if he just over thought their relationship. Obviously, if she's now engaged to someone else and acting like he doesn't exist. Geralt asks after her, but Jaskier lies, tells him she didn't show up and he'll just have to wait to meet her later. Jaskier is used to heartbreak and for now, at least, he’d rather suffer this one alone.

Without their impending introduction, Geralt insists they leave early and for once, Jaskier agrees.

He never tells Geralt. Partially because he's embarrassed, but mostly because he knows Geralt will say something stupid like you'll find someone new in a couple of days. But Elena was special. He falls in love often and without intending to, but there are people he's found who strike a different sort of chord with him - Elena was one of them. Geralt is another. And maybe he won't find someone new because it's been over a decade that he's been searching for something to fill the Geralt-shaped hole in his heart and now he's lost that, too.

Now he's back to the beginning; in love with his best friend and unable to share that love because Geralt is an unfeeling mutant.

But he tries to keep up the charade for a little while. He still talks about Elana on occasion and when the longing becomes too much, he pulls himself from Geralt's side under the guise of visiting her. Mostly, he turns to the closest tavern and drinks unless someone will pay him to sing. It's not hard pretending still to be in love, the difficult part is hoping Geralt doesn't realize it's all a sham and all the lovely things Jaskier is saying are actually just about him.

But both the stories and the pretend visits start to dwindle over time and his relationship with Geralt slowly returns to what it had been prior to meeting her.

Only Geralt notices because of course he does and Jaskier is forced to lie every time he asks about her. And he asks more about her and Jaskier suspects he's trying to trip him up. But he feels better when Geralt sleeps closer at night or when he lets Jaskier sing them both to sleep on nights that are otherwise too quiet.

It takes five months for him to find out the truth and his response isn't anything Jaskier would have expected. They're outside of Oxenfurt, as far away from Elena and her new husband as Jaskier could hope to be. And yet, they're here, sitting at the edge of the river where Jaskier was hoping to enjoy the rest of his afternoon alone. Geralt is off killing some plant thing that's been killing people along the road and Jaskier had planned to sit and drink wine by the river, but he can't very well do that now.

So he returns to camp and sits and plays for Roach instead, singing songs of heartbreak and betrayal. She presses her nose to his head, ruffling his hair with heavy breaths and Jaskier smiles up at her.

"At least I've got you," he says and just as he does there's a loud crack from behind. He turns to see Geralt with what looks - maybe - like the head of some giant mutated flower over his shoulder. Or maybe a snake, he's not quite sure.

Geralt drops it on the ground and crosses over to sit on the log across from Jaskier, carefully removing his armour.

"What happened to songwriting by the river?"

"Ah, well, the river was already... occupied."

"That's never stopped you before."

"Yes but-" well, it's been five months, maybe he should just be frank with him "-you see Elena was down by the river with her new... husband." Geralt's head lifts at that, his face worryingly neutral as he meets Jaskier's eyes.

"Husband?"

"Er, well... yes. It seems she was finished with me only she never bothered to tell me that." Jaskier has been avoiding looking at Geralt, afraid to see the betrayal in his eyes for lying to him for so long, but when it does it's not betrayal he sees burning there. It's anger.

"I'm sorry," he starts, "I meant to tell you, but I just-"

"Why would she do that?" Oh.

"I suspect she didn't care all that much."

Geralt's eyes narrow and Jaskier isn't quite sure what to make of that. He can feel the anger coming off of him, but it isn't directed at him and he's not quite sure what to do with that. People don't get angry on his behalf, they get angry at him.

Jaskier tries to calm him down, but Geralt is fuming and Jaskier's never seen him this angry before and for the first time in their friendship, he's almost a little afraid of him. But Geralt would never hurt him and the anger is probably more to do with lingering elixirs from the hunt, so when Geralt gets up and stomps around the camp, Jakier lets him. And then, when his pacing and irritability starts to wear thin, Jaskier sits him down and promises that it isn't all that bad, not really, and he rubs his shoulders and runs patient fingers through his hair. And Geralt relaxes.

But he's different after that. Not in big ways, but he makes a point of keeping himself between Jaskier and anything that could hurt him. He sleeps closer when they camp in the open air, practically right on top of him - not that Jaskier is complaining - and he's defensive in a way Jaskier hasn't seen him before.

Jaskier is used to hecklers - no one can please everyone - but Geralt has taken to shutting them down with a single look, glowering at them from his seat until they're silent. Some leave, some are braver and just return to their drink, but none speak up again. Jaskier revels in this newfound attention and struggles not to find ways in which to provoke it.

It all comes to a head one night when they've stopped to eat and Jaskier is singing. He's distracted and doesn't notice at first when the couple walks in, but they sit down right next to him and it becomes hard not to notice. Elena is as beautiful as always, but her husband - Jaskier assumes that who he is, but he barely recalls the man from the banquet that night - has a sneer plastered on his face. Perhaps he knows who Jaskier is, though Elena doesn't show any sign of it.

Fine, he thinks, let her be like that. The next song he plays is his most romantic ballad, one very thinly disguised as having been written about a princess when in reality, it was written about Geralt.

As soon as he finishes, he picks his lute case up and crosses to sit back with Geralt. He knows they have to leave now, which is a shame since he never even finished his drink earlier, but he doesn't want to start something in the middle of the tavern. They were hoping to find a room for the night and Jaskier doesn't want to spend another night in a row on rocky, uneven ground.

"Shall we go?" he asks and Geralt casts a look between him and his unfinished drink. He doesn't respond before a loud, overly enthusiastic laugh fills the air. Geralt looks up with a scowl. Jaskier sighs.

He doesn’t know how he recognizes Elena, but there's an instant change in his demeanour. He goes rigid, staring directly at the corner of the room where she and her husband are seated and Jaskier can feel the rage radiating off of him.

"Geralt," he whispers, "let's just go, it's not that big a deal anyway-"

"She hurt you," he seethes and through the well of emotions swelling in his chest, Jaskier decides not to point out that Geralt has also hurt him in the past. It distracts him long enough that he doesn't realize Geralt is standing until he's nearly pushed out of the way.

He knows Geralt wouldn’t hurt them, especially for something so trivial, but he's so desperately trying to keep the peace. And if he's honest, he'd rather just forget about the whole Elena thing altogether. He thinks quickly, pressing himself up against Geralt's chest and it works, for a moment at least. Geralt looks down at him and something in his expression makes Jaskier's heart beat a little quicker and this is very much not the time for that.

But then Geralt moves to brush past and Jaskier's mind goes blank. He's been in danger - actual life threatening danger - before and Geralt has never been this defensive, protective, of him. So Jaskier acts without thinking. Working off the very slimmest chance that his suspicions could be correct, he pulls Geralt back to him and kisses him.

He stuns even himself and for a split second he's afraid Geralt might be upset with him, but Geralt drops back into his seat with a thud, pulling Jaskier into his lap. He takes Jaskier's face in his hands and kisses him fiercely.

Geralt kisses like a man who's been denied for years and all Jaskier can do is let himself be led. Geralt brings him close so their chests are pressed together and Jaskier can hear the way his heart thuds in his chest. It's highly unusual and if he wasn't being kissed stupid right now, he might be worried about it.

As reality settles around him, Jaskier slides his hands up Geralt's arms reverently, easing the rage and adrenaline out of him. And Geralt visibly relaxes under him, sinking back against the wall and relaxing his hold on Jaskier. Geralt loops his arms around Jaskier's lower back, but even calm and quiet, he doesn't let go. He just kisses him softer, more deliberately and Jaskier happily takes everything he's offering. Geralt is never this soft when he's insincere and this is maybe the worst time to talk about it, but he understands that this anger and rage were about more than just defending a friend.

When Geralt's tongue slides against his own, Jaskier lets out a little whine, shifting further into Geralt's lap. For that, he gets drawn closer and Geralt's hands slide up his back. Vaguely, Jaskier is aware that people are watching and regularly, he might worry about what people thought of him, but right now he couldn't care less. Right now Geralt is kissing him and he's solid and real and he feels so good around him.

Geralt pulls him right up against him and his cock, thick and hard in his trousers, presses up under Jaskier's, pulling a soft moan from his lips. As if pulled from a reverie, Geralt breaks the kiss, panting heavily as he looks into Jaskier's eyes. He doesn't say anything, but Jaskier hears the unspoken words and he nods, giving his consent freely.

A rush of adrenaline flows through him as Geralt hoists him up to his feet and presses a hand to his chest, guiding him backward. Jaskier is blind, trusting Geralt not to let him run into anything and he knows they're creating somewhat of a spectacle, but he loves it. Part of him wishes Elena would see him and regret the way things went between them, but right now with Geralt's cock pressing into his hip, Jaskier couldn't' be happier about the way things turned out.

Geralt directs him toward the door and Jaskier regrets not having paid for a room when they had the chance. He stumbles out the door and Geralt carries him down the stairs to keep him from tripping. After that, Jaskier finds himself pressed up against every vertical surface between the inn and wherever Geralt is taking him.

The sky is darkening but it's still light enough that anyone walking past could see them, but Geralt finds a small patch of trees right on the edge of town and apparently it's just what he's looking for.

Geralt sets his things down, but keeps Jaskier in his arms, sitting himself down in turn. As soon as Jaskier can touch the ground again, it becomes a race to get each other out of their clothes, grabbing and pulling until Geralt finally stops him, kisses him and tugs his shirt up over his head while he's distracted. Jaskier huffs at him, but he manages to get a hand fisted in his shirt and kisses back, temporarily distracted from his mission of undressing him.

Geralt moves under him, around him and Jaskier just hums and goes along with it, unbuttoning as many of Geralt's buttons as he can reach before shoving the shirt up over his head. He doesn't even mind when Geralt gets him out of his trousers and the Witcher is still mostly dressed. He doesn't mind because Geralt holds him close and kisses him like he doesn't think he'll get another chance. Jaskier continually proves that he will.

He kisses him hard, touches his face, rocks his hips against him even when the ties of Geralt's trousers are too rough against his swollen cock. He wants to prove to Geralt that this is more than just an attempt to distract him. And when Geralt pauses, just briefly to pull back and look at him, Jaskier thinks he knows.

Geralt reaches down, pushing Jaskier back and quickly unlacing the ties of his trousers. He shoves them down just low enough to expose his cock and hauls Jaskier back up over him, shifting under him so his cock rests against Jaskier's ass. He's quick and efficient, if not impatient and Jaskier shuts his eyes for a moment as Geralt's touch overwhelms him. He rolls his hips again, pushing back against Geralt's cock and grinding against him.

Geralt leans to one side, keeping a hand on Jaskier's hip to hold him steady as he turns. Jaskier leans back over him and Geralt kisses him as he rummages through his belongings. When he finds what he's looking for - a small half-empty bottle of oil - he pushes Jaskier back upright. His grip on Jaskier doesn't loosen, but he moves his arm up pushing his fingers into the hair at the back of his neck. His free hand moves, popping the cork on the oil and Jaskier groans in anticipation, rutting shamelessly against Geralt's stomach.

When Geralt's slick fingers press against him, Jaskier drops his chin against his chest, breathing Geralt's name into his night. When he slips into him, Jaskier's eyes flutter shut and he braces himself on Geralt's chest, looking down at him. Geralt shifts under him, readjusting himself and when he presses his cock against him, he meets Jaskier's eyes.

Everything slows to a stop as Geralt sinks into him and for a second Jaskier thinks it's going to end. Geralt was caught up in the moment and sometimes sex is just sex, but then Geralt smiles at him, slides a hand into his hair and pulls him into a firm kiss. Jaskier's eyes drop shut and he winds his arms around Gealt's neck and presses himself back onto his cock as Geralt wraps him in his arms again, pulling him close.

Jaskier's used to the finer things in life; silk sheets, warm beds, but out here in the forest in Geralt's lap he's never felt so loved. He doesn't want to say anything to spoil the moment, but the words are there, bubbling up in his chest and no amount of convincing or persuasion is going to stop him from feeling them. He presses his face into Geralt's neck, breathing the words into his skin instead.

When Jaskier comes, he stifles his moans into Geralt's skin as he rolls his hips against Geralt's slick stomach. Geralt follows a moment later, catching Jaskier's lips in a rough kiss as he continues thrusting into him.

When he stills, Jaskier rolls off of him, exhausted and still reeling. His chest heaves as he remembers how to breathe properly and next to him, Geralt is also panting, eyes shut and lips just barely parted. Jaskier feels like he should say something, but he doesn't know what. That was incredible? Thanks for the fuck? Are we gonna do this again?

"I'm sorry," Geralt breathes and Jaskier turns to look at him. That didn't even make it to the list of possibilities.

"What?" he asks, wondering if he's actually been fucked stupid or if there's something he's missing.

"I was angry, I got wrapped up in it."

"What were you angry about?"

"Elena-" Oh "- that she could hurt you like that and just... go on with her life. She had you and she just... found someone new."

"Oh," he says out loud.

"Why? Do you-"

Jaskier feels the word regret, unspoken and lingering between them and he shakes his head, turning to face Geralt. "No. I'll admit it was unexpected, but don't be sorry. And don't be angry on my behalf."

"Why shouldn't I?" Geralt growls, leaning up over him. Jaskier smiles, reaching up to brush his fingers along Geralt's cheekbones.

"I don't need them. I don't care anymore." He pauses, pulling Geralt's face low enough to kiss him again. "Although, if you're going to get all protective like this every time, I might-"

"Don't even think about it." Jaskier grins, looping his arms around Geralt's neck and pressing his fingers into his hair.

"Okay."

They fall into a comfortable silence, just the sounds of their breath mingling in the evening air, then Geralt’s voice, just above a whisper. “Are you alright?”

“I’m not a child,” Jaskier huffs, amused. “I’ve has sex in the woods before, although I do generally prefer-”

“I mean about Elena.”

“I think that’s the kind of thing you’re supposed to ask before you fuck me,” Jaskier quips.

“Hmm.”

“I’m fine. It’s been months, I’ve had time to think about things.”

“And?”

“And I think if things had worked out between us, I would have missed you too much to stay with her.”

“I thought you loved her more than anyone.”

“Well,” Jaskier smiles, turning to brush his fingers through Geralt’s hair, “maybe not more than everyone.”

#idk how to tag this #geraskier #geralt x jaskier #jaskier x geralt #the witcher #first time #first kiss #posting bc i had a shitty day #and i want to feel productive #i'll put it on ao3 when it has a title #rex writes

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genevievemd · 4 years

Note

1 and 2 for Ethan and Genevieve from 50 Ways To Say “I Love You” prompts

1. “Be Safe”, 2. “Make sure to come back to me, okay?”

A/N: This starts out super angsty, which I think we all expected when you sent me these prompts lol Don’t worry tho, there’s a happy-ish ending.

Also this got away from me and ended up a bit long. Sorry not sorry.

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Genevieve McClure)

No warnings, but there is a swear word or two. Gen swears when she’s mad and Ethan has made her MAD - we don’t keep secrets from our partners in this house.

50 Ways to Say “I Love You” Prompt List // Previous Prompts

He’s been avoiding her all week, coming up with a million excuses to leave the room every time they’re alone, not saying a word to her unless it's about a patient. It’s making her anxious. A heavy wave of uncertainty hanging over her. The last time Ethan acted this way, was a year ago, when she first joined the team. When they were nothing.

Genevieve knows something is wrong, can feel it deep in her bones. They were so far past this point. Past the longing glances and unfiltered heart ache, settled into a quiet commitment of public kisses and unbridled joy. But something has brought them back here and it’s wormed its way into her mind to the point where she can’t focus.

They’ve been in a team meeting for the last hour, sitting on opposite sides of the table. A rare occurrence these days, Ethan almost always sits in the chair next to her. Far enough to stay professional but close enough to reach for her hand if he wanted to.

But not this week. This week he’s sat across from her, never once looking her in the eye. Genevieve’s tried everything in the last hour to get him to look at her, to the point where she hasn’t heard a word of what Mendoza has said. She can’t focus on anything but the steady ache in her chest that grows with every new inch of distance between her and Ethan.

“So we’ll test for the usual suspects and go from there. Team dismissed.” Ethan’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts. His deep baritone echoing in her ears like a scream in a cave, ricocheting off her heart and fracturing everything in its wake.

Genevieve sees them all stand and she rises from her chair as well, glancing at Ethan as she gathers her things. He still won’t look at her, not even for a second.

“You should talk to him.” Baz’s voice is quiet, standing next to her with a sympathetic look on his face. He looks back at the door, watching Mendoza leave before continuing. “It’s not like you two to be so far apart like this. I hate to see you so upset.”

She looks quickly between Ethan and Baz, letting out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. “Is it that obvious?”

“To me, yes. I don’t think Mendoza’s picked up on your relationship yet or if he has he’s made no indication that he knows. But I can see how upset you are. Talk to Ethan, if only to give yourself some piece of mind.”

“Thanks, Baz.”

He gives her another comforting smile and gentle pat on the shoulder before he gathers his things and leaves. Genevieve takes a deep breath before looking over again at Ethan, sitting at his desk with his entire focus on the laptop in front of him.

“Let me know when you get the lab results back, McClure.” His voice is stoic, cold. The way it used to be, when he was so adamant that they couldn’t be together, sending another wave of fear through her.

“Of course.” Genevieve stares at him for another moment, swallowing back the overwhelming urge to cry when he refuses to look up from the screen. She closes her eyes and walks to the door, her heart feeling like it’s about to beat out of her chest.

Her mind is racing with a million different reasons why Ethan’s suddenly become so distant, the loudest of all being that he wants to end things. That he’s finally gotten bored with her and she’s no longer something he wants.

Genevieve knows, deep down, that the thought only comes from the dark corners of her mind. The after shocks of her father’s betrayal, the ever present thought that just like him, Ethan will one day get bored and cheat or leave her all together. Its an unprovoked and baseless thought, regardless of Ethan’s distance for the past week, he has never once showed any sign of repeating her father’s mistakes. But no matter how hard she tries, she can never truly quiet the voice in her head.

She grips the door handle, knuckles turning white as the thoughts make her feel like she’s on the spin cycle of a washing machine.

“Are you going to break up with me?” The words fly out of her mouth before she registers what she’s said.

“What?”

“Are you going to end this?” Genevieve finally turns from the door, eyes watering as she faces him. He’s standing up from the desk, his face contorted in confusion.

“Why would I - where is this coming from?”

“I don’t know, Ethan. Maybe from the fact that you’ve barely spoken to me all week.” She can feel the heartbreak slowly turn to rage, her eyes turning darker with every word she speaks. “You can’t look at me and any time I try to get close to you, you move away. You haven’t kissed me, touched me in any way, in a week. What am I supposed to think?”

“Genevieve,” Her name comes out in a terrified whisper, his eyes filled with guilt. “Come sit down for a minute, we should talk.”

“Oh my god, you are…” Her hand reaches for the door handle, steading herself against the cold glass. “I’m such an idiot.” She moves to open the door when she sees Ethan’s hand slam against it, blocking her only exit.

“You’re not - Gen, I’m not… just come sit down. Please.”

“No.” She shakes her head, a lump forming in her throat as her vision blurs. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I don’t want to do this standing in front of the door.”

“Well that’s too bad. Either you tell me what’s going on with you or you let me leave.”

“Genevieve, please.”

“Move your hand.”

“I’m leaving.” It comes out in a rush, his eyes roaming across her face. “I have to go back to the Amazon. They’re setting up a clinic and need me to help oversee its opening.”

“For how long?”

“Six weeks. Eight at the most.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She can feel her hands starting to shake, the anger rising to the surface. They weren’t supposed to have secrets, they were supposed to be the opposite of her parents. Truthful and caring.

“I… I didn’t know how or what to say.”

“So once again you were just going to pull away and leave without saying a word?” Genevieve moves away from the door walking to the other side of the office. “That’s… I can’t fucking believe you right now.”

“I would’ve told you.”

“Really? When?” She turns to look at him, the guilt on his face making her heart break. “Before or after you pushed me far enough away that you inevitably broke up with me. Or were you hoping that I would save you the trouble and leave you instead?”

“That’s not fair.”

“No, what’s not fair is you doing this to me, again. Except this time, we’ve been dating for six months which makes it even worse.” He moves towards her but she steps back, looking up at the white tiled ceiling. Genevieve closes her eyes and takes a breath. “When are you leaving?”

“Two weeks.”

“Wow. So it’s clearly been planned for a while if you already have everything in order.” She shakes her head in disbelief, her eyes burning with fury and unshed tears. “Well, glad to know I mean so little to you that I wasn’t the first person to know.”

“Don’t do that.” He moves towards her again, his voice raised to match her own. “Don’t diminish what we are like that.”

“I’m not diminishing anything, Ethan, you are!” She wipes a stray tear from her face, forcing herself to swallow back the rest. She won’t cry over him, not anymore. “You kept this from me and weren’t going to tell me until the last minute. And then spent one of the last weeks we have together pushing me away.”

“Because I don’t how to leave you, alright! I thought that if I distanced myself enough the thought of leaving you for two months would hurt less.”

She scoffs, wanting to laugh at his inconsideration for her own feelings. “How is this relationship ever going to work if you constantly shut me out when things get tough. We’re supposed to be partners, Ethan. This feels like the exact opposite of that.”

“I know that but every time I thought about telling you, it felt like I couldn’t breath. I’d look at you and it was like…”

“So instead you decided to keep me in the dark until the very last minute?”

“I’m sorry, Gen.”

“You’re sorry a lot, Ethan.”

“I know. I’m trying, I really am.” He reaches for her again, but she doesn’t pull back this time. Instead she leans into his touch, letting her eyes fall closed as he hold her head in his hands. “I should’ve told you the minute I found out, I know that. It was an asshole move to keep it from you.”

“It was.” She looks up at him, tears falling down her cheeks. She sighs loudly, quickly throwing her arms around his neck. Pulling him as close as she can. His arms wrap tightly around her, his hands flat against her spine. “Promise me that you’ll be safe.”

“I promise.” His hand comes up to cup the back of her head, fingers tangling themselves in her hair.

They hold each other for what feels like hours, her feet barely touching the ground as he holds her even closer - trying to keep as little space between them as they can.

“Make sure to come back to me, okay?” She feels her feet touch the ground as he loosens his hold on her. “Don’t go falling in love with some tall amazonian woman who’s like ten times pretty than me.”

Ethan pulls back, a soft smile on his face as he runs this thumb along her cheekbone. “First off, in what world would that ever be a possibility? And second, you are still and will always be the most beautiful woman I have ever met.”

“You say that now, but I’ve seen Wonder Woman and -”

He cuts her off, pressing his lips hard against her own. She feels the tears coming back, prickling behind her eyes as she kisses him back with even more force.

Ethan rests his forehead against hers, his breath ragged and his eyes filled with warmth. “I’m coming back to you, Gen, and I promise to never leave you like this again.”

“You can’t promise me that, be realistic for a second.” Genevieve steps out of his embrace, wincing silently at the hurt her move causes him. “There's always a chance of you being needed to fly off somewhere and save the world. It’s part of being the best at what you do. So don’t promise me something you know you can’t keep.”

He opens his mouth to argue but closes it quickly, giving her a soft nod instead.

“But I do need you to promise that you will stop shutting me out.” She waits for him to meet her eyes, needing him to truly hear and understand her. “Because the next time you do, Ethan, I won’t forgive you and you will lose me.”

“I can do that. I don’t want to lose you, Gen, that’s the last thing I want.”

She walks back to him, leaning up on the tips of her toes until their faces are touching. His hands find her waist, fingers digging into her skin. “Then you go and do your job. Call me every chance you get and when you come back to me there won’t be anymore secrets between us. Ever again.”

“Never again.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a/n: I didn’t plan on this being...well this. But here we are. Still riding the angst train. Clearly I can’t get off lol. I promise the next 50 ILY prompt will be fluffy. Love you guys so much-Sara

(also I’m going to make a secondary “masterlist” with all the completed prompts once i have them done, I have like 8 more to finish.)

tag list:

@queencarb, @overwhelminglyaquarius, @me-and-my-choices, @schnitzelbutterfingers, @crazy-loca-blog, @a-crepusculo, @drakewalkerfantasy, @ohchoices, @adrex04, @udishaman, @drariellevalentine, @custaroonie, @archxxronrookie, @terrm9, @maurine07, @openheartthot, @gryffindordaughterofathena, @aworldoffandoms, @caseyvalentineramsey, @dulceghernandez, @elwetritsche75, @emotionalswift2, @thegreentwin, @starrystarrytrouble, @utterlyinevitable, @angela8754, @fireycookie, @sizzlingcashherohumanoid, @jooous, @3riche, @open-heart-ramseyyy

#ethan ramsey x mc #open heart #open heart fanfiction #ethan ramsey #ethan x gen #50 ILYs #Anonymous

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starlocked01 · 4 years

Text

So Happy Together

AO3 @tsshipmonth2020

Masterpost- Previous- Next

Summary: Logan can feel when his soulmate's day goes from amazing to the worst possible day of his life. Ironically, this helps the stoic man comfort an abandoned groom who reaches out in despair.

CW Unsympathetic Virgil and Roman

Day 5 Logicality- You and your Soulmate feel each other’s strongest emotions

Logan was having an adequate day. Nothing had gone horribly wrong or fallen short of his expectations. So the intense happiness he felt all morning must be coming from his soulmate. It was worrisome when the happiness flipped to sudden crushing sadness. He wondered briefly what could have happened to cause such distress for this person but quickly put the thought behind him as he walked through town.

Ahead on the sidewalk, he saw two men in dark suits comforting another man in a white suit who was sitting on the curb and bawling his eyes out. Logan looked to the building and realized it was a cathedral. This couldn't be good.

Logan tried to keep his head down and walk past but the man in white called out to him.

"Did you see a guy in a purple tux run that way?" the man looked up at Logan with watery eyes, magnified by wire-rimmed glasses.

"No, I'm sorry. Perhaps he went that way?" Logan pointed off the direction he was walking.

The man in white burst into a fresh round of tears. Logan felt the ache of profound sadness in his chest and almost felt he could empathize with this man, even without knowing the situation.

"Oh, if I ever find Virgil, well let's just say there isn't a flight of stairs tall enough for him to fall from," one of the men in a dark tux scoffed.

"Yeah, right. Does it have to be stairs? Like that could kill him.." the other said hesitantly.

"Roman, he left me at the altar!"

"Yes, I understand that, Patton. But I mean, I'm not surprised he got cold feet. He was nervous during the whole wedding planning process," Roman kept speaking.

"Roman, if you don't shut your mouth…" the unnamed one said.

Logan felt trapped in the situation, both because of the loud argument and the strong feeling of empathy he had for the abandoned groom, Patton. He made a decision and sat down next to Patton on the curb.

"Was he your soulmate?" Logan tried to ask as delicately as he personally could manage.

"I- I don't know. It's so hard to tell, you know? But I love him and he ran away… everyone is in there and now I'm nothing but a joke and their gossip for the next month!" Patton's lip quivered as he wiped tears from his eyes. The two groomsmen kept bickering and Logan felt overwhelmed with no way to comfort the man.

He decided to be honest about why he stopped in the first place, "Patton, right? My soulmate is also feeling incredibly sad at this moment. So, I get it. At least in part. I'm sorry he did that to you; you don't deserve heartbreak," Logan took a deep breath. He was not comfortable talking about these emotions.

"Th-thank you, sir. I appreciate you trying to help. What's your-" Patton was interrupted by another man in a different shade of dark suit busting out of the front doors of the church.

"What the fuck is going on out here? Everyone's dying of heatstroke waiting for our blushing grooms- where's Virgie?"

"Remus, Virgil ran. Weren't you supposed to be keeping an eye on him?" the groomsman who wanted to push the runaway fiance down a flight of stairs gave the newcomer a steely-eyed glare.

Remus looked wide-eyed and utterly surprised, pointing to himself, "me? Janus, I thought that Roman was watching him!"

The three groomsmen kept fighting. Patton looked like he was about to lose it again.

"Ah, maybe he'll come back, realizing his mistake?" Logan tried to console the stranger that he felt too connected to. The sadness in his chest softened with a thrill of hope and Patton looked up from the street to him.

"Do you really think he might?"

"Ah, Patton, what if… Virgil found his soulmate? And decided he'd rather be with…. him?" Roman asked entirely too suspiciously.

Janus and Logan both looked hard at Roman. Logan suspected that Janus could smell the same figurative rat he could.

"Look, Patton, I am very sorry for you. This might have been a better outcome than it feels like right now. I hope you feel better soon," Logan stood to leave when Patton grabbed his hand.

"Wait!" Patton sniffed, "what's your name? You really didn't have to stop and try to comfort me, that was really kind of you," Patton gave a weak smile.

Logan felt his cheeks flush, "ah, Logan. Logan Crawford." He pulled his hand free and sped walk down the street, feeling confused and grateful? He could hear Janus and Roman arguing more, accusations flying about the best man running off with the groom as soon as the wedding was called off. Patton, whoever he was, had almost certainly avoided a sham of a marriage when this Virgil character left.

Logan’s thoughts didn't return to the ruined wedding for several weeks until his daily trip to the local cafe was sweetly interrupted.

"Logan? Is that you?" Logan looked up at the voice which was familiar but his memory could not place it. As their eyes met, he recognized the sobbing groom, Patton.

"Oh, Patton. Hello," Logan stated simply.

"Logan! Oh, I can't thank you enough! You were right, it was a good thing Virgil ran away," Patton sniffed and Logan felt an ache of regret and betrayal all too apropos for the situation. "He uh, he had been cheating on me… it kinda tore the whole friend group apart…" Patton looked like he was about to cry and Logan wondered how he'd accidentally made himself an emotional backboard for this stranger. "But the important thing is that we didn't end up married and unhappy!" Logan could see right through the miserable fake smile.

"Ah, I'm sorry that sounds awful," Logan tapped his pen on the cafe table.

"Oh gosh, sorry! I wear my heart on my sleeve. You probably didn't want to hear any of that," Patton flushed with embarrassment. Logan was getting worried for his soulmate who also was feeling embarrassed mixed with nervousness. "Um, can I join you for coffee?"

Logan nodded. Why not? He wasn't needed at the lab for at least two more hours. Patton walked off to order while Logan did a short meditative exercise. His soulmate often had strong emotions whereas he did not, so sometimes it was difficult to tell when he was feeling something subtle underneath his soulmate’s ocean of feelings. He wasn't embarrassed, he didn’t have any particular reason to feel nervous. Logan was very relaxed so most of these conflicting feelings must be coming from his soulmate. Poor man must be having a rough time lately.

"You know Logan, you remind me a lot of the things I loved about Virgil, before.. well you know," Patton spoke as he sat down, coffee in hand.

"How so?" Logan asked, curious about the comparison.

"Well, my soulmate doesn't have a lot of strong emotions. I've felt intense anger and satisfaction on occasion, but most of the time he must be pretty content. Virgil was very laid back and chill, so I kinda assumed he was my soulmate.. until he had a panic attack and I felt nothing… gosh! What I mean is that you have a very calm presence. It's comforting," Patton grinned sheepishly.

"Well, I have never been very emotionally vulnerable. I know I've endeavored to maintain a rational outlook on life. Emotions are complicated and blowing them out of proportion just hurts both me and my soulmate," Logan replied, surprised how much he was willing to open up to this slowly growing acquaintance.

Over the next few weeks, Patton "found" Logan at the coffee shop several times and they spent time talking. Pretty quickly they moved away from talking about heartbreak and soulmates, preferring to find common interests or even just introduce each other to their own favorite topics. Patton was fascinated with Logan's research and Logan couldn't help but admire Patton's enthusiasm for library sciences.

Logan grew to look forward to these meetings, and when they did talk about emotions he felt his own metaphorical heart filling with genuine care for the kindhearted man.

Patton couldn't keep up the pretense much longer and soon asked for Logan’s number so they could arrange meetings rather than him manufacturing accidental ones. His heart had felt warm and happy during the coffee shop meetups, and Logan’s presence always lifted his spirits in a way his ex never had. The first time they set up a dinner meet up, Patton felt an uncharacteristic panic while getting ready. That was new. It must- could his soulmate actually be feeling panicked?? Patton thought extra hard about the date dinner, wanting to give his soulmate a boost of happy to help with the panic. It seemed to work as the panic dwindled down to nervousness that Patton couldn't really tell who it was coming from.

Logan was a wreck. He didn't know what you were supposed to wear for dinner with a friend acquaintance. And he really wanted to make a good impression on Patton of whom he was growing rather fond. And he was out of Crofters, otherwise he would absolutely be slamming half the jar to calm his nerves. He felt a sudden wave of happiness and anticipation. Did his soulmate do that on purpose for him? It was very effective at drowning out the panic he was feeling.

Both men felt a sharp joy seeing each other at the restaurant. The entire evening was so pleasant and both left the dinner date with fuzzy feelings of admiration and happiness.

Patton suspected Logan might be his soulmate. Logan had a strong knack for knowing when he was trying to hide sorrows and fears, even when he didn't want his new boyfriend to know anything was wrong.

More importantly, Patton could feel stronger emotions coming from his soulmate more often and even if he wasn't Logan, Patton was very happy that his soulmate was opening up.

Patton found himself screaming during their first fight and when he realized what he was doing he stopped cold. The intense anger was so foreign to him, he felt awful. Logan didn't deserve this level of vitriol, no matter how upset they each were.

Logan’s anger melted into regret and shame as Patton apologized for going so overboard. Logan pushed this argument farther than it needed to go. He should be the one apologizing for his anger. It was all too much. Until Patton shared his theory and Logan had to agree it seemed like the only rational explanation for both of their outbursts.

They made a better effort to communicate each of their own emotions and found the strongest ones were always mirrored between the two of them. But by the time they realized they had to be soulmates they really didn't need the confirmation anymore. They would have been happy together and in love with each other anyway.

#tsshipmonth2020 #Soulmate September 2020 #logicality #sanders sides #soulmate au #prinxiety #unsympathetic virgil #unsympathetic roman #angst #hurt comfort

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waywardrose13 · 4 years

Text

Falling Stars

Masterlist

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Warnings: Angst, cheating, heartbreak, mentions of divorce and past break-ups

This fic is loosely based on Dolly Parton’s “Jolene.” Lyrics are in italics and in bold.

A/N- This fic is un-betad, as per usual. So all mistakes are mine and there is not nearly enough editing to satisfy me but here we are.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

I'm begging of you please don't take my man

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

Please don't take him just because you can

Your hands were gently cupping your kneecaps. You sat cross legged on your bed you shared with Dean. You stared down at the picture, tears welling in your eyes.

“I thought you should know.”

You sniffled softly. It felt as if your heart had broken into a million little pieces. You had originally tried to catch them all, piece by piece as they fell, hoping you could put them all back together again.

But you eventually gave up as the heart began to crack and break more quickly as everything set in.

“Don’t ask me why I care about you, but I do. I know you don’t trust me, but trust this.”

A shaky sob sighed from your parted lips. The betrayal you felt was greater than anything you’ve ever felt. It felt worse than the time you were nearly clawed to death by a werewolf. It felt worse than the time that vampire sunk its teeth into your neck to rip a chunk of flesh from you. Because this pain was straight to your core. It tore itself through your heart, all the while ripping each string along the way. It was an internal pain that burned so brightly, it set you aflame from the inside out.

Your beauty is beyond compare

With flaming locks of auburn hair

With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Your smile is like a breath of spring

Your voice is soft like summer rain

And I cannot compete with you

Jolene

You had to admit, she was gorgeous. Her body was tall and lean, with slender, yet round hips, and full breasts. Her face was simply glowing. Green eyes shined behind dark lashes, waves of liquid fire hanging to her waist. Perfectly manicured hands, full rows of pristine teeth, skin like the purest milk.

You hated her.

She was ethereally beautiful. You understood why Dean would want her. You were nothing special, not with fuller hips than you wanted, hip dips, and a squishy belly. Scars littered your body from years of hunting and battling your own demons years before. You used to be ashamed of them. That is, until Dean came along.

“They tell a story,” Dean had said. His cheek rested against your bare stomach. He relaxed as your hand gently ran through his hair.

“Of how I was weak?” You whispered.

Dean shifted, kissing the skin of your belly, lips brushing every so softly against your scars.

“Of how you were strong.”

He looked up at you then, hand cupping your cheek, face inching closer to yours.

“You’ve fought battles and won. These scars show me how strong and brave you are. They tell me you’re here and alive with me.”

Maybe Dean got tired of seeing them. Maybe he missed the feel of soft, unmarred skin beneath his hands.

He talks about you in his sleep

And there's nothing I can do to keep

From crying when he calls your name

Jolene

Crowley’s information simply proved what you’ve thought for months now.

Dean had become more distant, pulling away from you. Your relationship had begun to feel strained, like it was hanging on by a thread, ready to fall apart in any second.

Once upon a time, your name would fall from Dean’s lips as he slept. Sometimes he’d murmur sweet nothings within his dreams of you, whispering how he loved you, how he couldn’t live without you. Now, it was the same, except for the name.

“Jolene,” he would whisper, the phrases in which he used to say about you following after the alien name. You didn’t know a Jolene, hoping he made a mistake. Maybe it was an actress he had a crush on. Or maybe he was remembering an old crush. Whatever it was, you simply hoped it wasn’t what you feared.

But it kept happening. Your name never again slipped from his lips during his sleep. It was always “Jolene.” You never asked him about it. You figured that if you did ask about it, it would make the whole thing real. That your fear would be proved correct, and then you wouldn’t know what to do.

And I can easily understand

How you could easily take my man

But you don't know what he means to me

Jolene

Not only were there pictures of her and Dean together, wrapped in a lover’s embrace, cuddling on a couch inside a foreign home. But there were text exchanges. Somehow, Crowley had obtained all of this information, and you didn’t want to know how. Just why.

Jolene had told Dean to leave you. She wanted to be with him. She thought it was sexy for awhile, sneaking around behind your back. She liked to mock you.

Dean would respond with worse insults about you.

But now, she had her fun, she wanted to settle down with him.

Ha.

Been there, tried that.

He didn’t know what to say to that. She wanted him to say ok, drop you and be with him. He simply changed the subject.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

I'm begging of you please don't take my man

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

Please don't take him just because you can

You carefully gathered each of the photos, arranging them in a neat pile before reaching over to your nightstand drawer, placing the stack of photos inside and closing it.

Dean had left hours ago, not telling you where he was going, simply muttering something about needing a different atmosphere for awhile. Of course, you had your doubts as to where he was going. You wondered if he was going to visit “Jolene.” You wondered if the places he disappeared to were with her.

Dean came back after only moments of being gone with a small package addressed to you. There was no return address, and Dean warned you not to open it, but you ignored him. For some reason, your gut told you that you needed to see what was inside. So you wished Dean a good night and went back to your room.

And here you were.

You could have your choice of men

But I could never love again

He's the only one for me

Jolene

Crowley had included a letter inside the box, amongst the photographs and printouts of text messages.

Chipmunk,

I hope you’re well, darling. I know this may be hard to believe, especially coming from me, but I hope you do. Don’t ask me why I care about you, but I do. I know you don’t trust me, but trust this. Squirrel is seeing someone else. Before you toss this letter in the rubbish and ignore my existence once more, hear me out. I’ve also included some photographs in the box. I’ve had a few of my men keep an eye on your beau. I suspected something was off in our last meeting and I needed to figure it out for myself. I know this must be hard for you, and know that I am deeply sorry you had to find out this way. But I figured it was important, and I know it would be difficult to speak to you without your guard dog breathing down our necks.

The texts were a bit more difficult to obtain. Nothing I couldn’t handle though, darling. Don’t ask how I got them. Don’t even ask why. I have a soft spot for you, Y/N. I thought you should know. You deserve to know.

Crowley.

You read over the letter a few more times. You believed him. Dean had been acting suspicious for some time now, and the photos looked so real. You knew it was real.

You just didn’t want to lose him.

How were you supposed to confront him? Were you even going to? Would you stay with him? He obviously wasn’t in love with you anymore, or else he wouldn’t have branched out.

I had to have this talk with you

My happiness depends on you

And whatever you decide to do

Jolene

You sighed deeply. Turning off the lights, you settled down under the sheets, curling into a fetal position. Your heart was broken. Dean Winchester had been the first and only man you had loved. He was your first everything. He was the only man you ever let into your bed, your heart, your head. The love the two of you had shared was epic. It consumed you so greatly, twirling you up into the air and into the infinite sky, allowing you and Dean to dance amongst the stars together. It hit you so fast and so hard, and you fell before you could comprehend it.

An agonized cry sounded in your ears. It didn’t take long to realize the sound came from your own mouth.

The pain in your chest resonated throughout your body. It seared your heart and burned your soul. It crippled your limbs and set your mind aflame. This was why you pushed everyone away in the first place. This is why you didn’t let people get close to you.

This is why you never wanted to fall in love.

You had witnessed enough heartbreak in your family and friends. Everyone around you since you were little. Love was never something you strived to have. Sure, you were lonely. And yes, sometimes you envied your sisters or your friends for the love they would have. You were happy for them, beyond happy. You were ecstatic when one of your sisters told you she was getting married, or when your older brother announced his girlfriend’s pregnancy, or when your mother finally found a man that was so good and loving to her. You were happy for them all.

However, before that happiness, you also knew they experienced profound heartbreak.

You watched your parents’ divorce happen before your eyes. You watched your sister break down after her first love left her. You watched as your brother had to lift himself up again after his girlfriend of five years broke up with him. And yes, they were all happy now. But you never wanted to experience that loss, that pain. Especially when in your line of work, that loss would most likely be death.

It wasn’t long after you had settled into bed that Dean came into the room. You froze at the sound of his footsteps. He let out a deep breath, changing quickly, and then slipping into bed behind you. He got comfortable and then slipped an arm around your waist, pulling you tightly into his chest.

“I love you,” he whispered, kissing the shell of your ear.

You knew you needed to confront him. You knew you should’ve been angry.

I’ll do it tomorrow, you thought to yourself. You closed your eyes, snuggling deeper into his arms. You allowed yourself the peace of falling asleep in the arms of the man you loved so dearly. Let me have this one last time.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

I'm begging of you please don't take my man

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

Please don't take him even though you can

Jolene, Jolene

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Jensen/Dean beans:

@dean-winchesters-bacon

@polina-93

@deans-baby-momma

@akshi8278

@sasquatch5

@adoptdontshoppets

@thisismysecrethappyplace

@fangirl-forevers-world

@rawritsmolly

@frozenhuntress67

@reginaphalange2403

@x-waywardaf-x

@jessieray98

@thewinchesterchronicles

@cookiechipdough

@tryn25

@yesfictionalboysarebetter

@angelessquirrel

@ackleholic-hunter

@weepingwillowphoenix

@analisespn

@dolans-lover

@captaincvans

@mrspeacem1nusone

@all-will-be-well-love

Forever Lovlies:

@jennalyncarrigan1230

@mogaruke

@kittyk26

@waywardsepticeye

@luciferslucille

@cookiecakeslive

@wheres-my-cheese

@supernatural-strangerthings-1980

@sunnysaysbookreviews

@nyxveracity

@raining-murder

@just-a-supernatural-sister

@hi-my-name-is-riley

@thehufflepuffblog

@donnaintx

@pisces-cutie

@waywardnerd67

@alexwinchester23

@jotink78

@sandlee44

@blackcherrywhiskey

@ain-t-bovvered

@witch-of-letters

@supernatural-crazed-girl

@gh0stgurl

@choosemyname

@1800-fandoms

@spnskinnyballs

@kcrews74

@adoptdontshoppets

@x-waywardaf-x

@jarpadandjensenaremyheroes

@natura1phenomenon

@deanandsamsbitch

@heyitscam99

@thewinchesterchronicles

@thegirlsadventuresinwonderland

@shortbty14

@frozenhuntress67

@arses21434

@geeksareunique

@squirrelgirl67

@flamencodiva

#dean winchester #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #dean x y/n #fanfiction #supernatural #waywardrose13 #cheating #angst #fic

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nomimits7 · 4 years

Text

Cold Phoenix |11|

Title: Cold Phoenix

Pairing: FBI BTS x Gang/mafia member (named) reader

Genre: Mission au, FBI au, Gang au

Warnings: Angst, manipulation, riddles (sorry), betrayal

Summary: Being born as the Taboo child between the good and the bad of this world, Zebah grew up believing she was just another one of the stolen. But just like the moon that needs the sun to shine, seven FBI agents enter her life with the promise of freedom. Before long Zebah realizes she is just another pawn in the game of Mafia vs. FBI. Will Zebah ever learn to trust the seven men that betrayed her to get what they wanted? Will she ever believe the truth behind her own birth? Or will Zebah fall alongside her family that lied to her from the start?

A/N: This story is told in the third person. Try to guess who the narrator is! Also this is my first time writing in this style. Please do tell me what you think. Should I keep to it or not?? The bold words are flashbacks of past scenes. The normal words are what the narrator tells

Part 10

A/N: Man this was a bitch to try and post

But before I tell you about that, it might be a good idea to get to the part where they used her. Mmm, if I should guess it was about another week after she disappeared for a day, you could see the change. That was probably the scariest part of this whole game. She never spoke of where she was, but everyone could see that something happened that evening.

Zebah woke up in a dimly lit room. Strapped to a wooden chair in a lifeless room. Well, lifeless if you don’t count the figure looming in one of the dark corners of the room. Her binds were tight yet escapable if you knew what to do.

“Good your awake. Now We’ll let you run off to your little pathetic family once you give us what we want, that is if you cooperate with us. Otherwise, you might as well get comfortable.” Sunny said as he watched Zebah struggle in her binds. No one could escape those knots, he made them himself.

“Not before you tell me about S.U.N” Zebah spat as she glared at the red-haired man before her. Sunny simply chuckled as he made his way to the door, amused at the fact that Zebah thought she was in any position to make demands. Does she not realize what they could do to her? But they’ll give the little princess what she wants, for now anyways.

“Okay, but this is something all seven of us must discuss. She’s a hero in everyone’s eyes and we would kill to know who took her from us” Sunny said as the rest of them entered. None of them looked entirely thrilled at the idea of speaking about one of their own. As much as they hated exposing their weaknesses to the enemy, they knew they needed to for the sake of completing this mission.

“Right, where to start. Agent S.U.N. was one of the most respected agents the FBI ever recruited. She was smart, tactical, cunning, yet she had this gentleness to her. Everyone used her as their mentor. Including us, even if she died when we were mere toddlers” Moon began as he stared at something behind Zebah. Oh what they would give to be in the presence of someone as selfless as S.U.N.

“She was beautiful. She was the one that managed to capture one of the members of your so-called family. I believe it was the eldest son of the big boss of that time. I even hear he put up quite the fight. You see, agents S.U.N. knew exactly how to use her beauty to lure even the strongest of mafia members. That poor fool fell into her trap like a mouse drawn to cheese” Jay said looking at the ground with a slight smile.

“You wouldn’t believe it, but S.U.N even got that boy to betray his own family. She used him to gain info into the mafia. But S.U.N had two big flaws to her. She was human and she believed to easily” Destruct said, sadness evident in his voice.

“She trusted him and he trusted her, but in the end, they betrayed each other. Unfortunately, not before they both fell in love with one another. You can imagine the type of heartbreak they had to endure once they realized that the other chose their own side instead of the opposite. It came as no surprise actually. They did work very closely together and most agents thought it was simply one of her own tactics” A.D. added

“But it wasn’t. And believe me, when I say that people could see the exact moment she found out her lover betrayed her, in the same manner, she betrayed him. She was heartbroken to the extend that she even pulled out of the mission. Most agents even said that she lost some of her shine” W.H. said

“But that shine came back a couple of months later. She found out that she was pregnant and was carrying his child. The chief of the FBI made her sign an agreement that she would not inform the father of the pregnancy. But let’s be real for a second. Pregnancy can only be hidden for so long” T.A said, sadness lacing his voice.

“When the father found out he was furious. But his mother was far worse. That woman hated the fact that her own son would fall for someone like S.U.N, someone from the other side of the law. Agent S.U.N had a target not only on her back but on her stomach as well. Her unborn daughter’s life was in danger and it was her own blood that was out to kill her” Sunny said.

“But then she disappeared in her last week of pregnancy. Many agents thought she wanted privacy for the birth of her child. A few days later her body was found, mutilated with the evidence of birth still fresh. Her baby was never found. Many suspect Phoenix for the murder, but no evidence was ever found against them” Moon concluded.

Zebah sat silently as her brain worked overtime trying to piece together the puzzle. Why does agent S.U.N’s death feel important to her? The boys took the silence as a sign that she was simply trying to process the info. None of them realized that Zebah’s arms were constantly moving.

“How many years ago did this happen?” Zebah asked looking up at them with teary eyes.

“Twenty-one years ago. Why does that matter?” Destruct asked.

Before any of them could move a muscle, Zebah was out of her seat and out the door once again. This time she didn’t make the mistake to run in the obvious direction. Just as the seven emerged outside the door she last ran through Zebah disappeared into the dark.

They did not manage to catch her like before. They also didn’t know why she left with tears streaming down her face. But they were more than determined to find out.

I don’t think Zebah could put the pieces together. She was a mess, yes, but that was simply because most of the time she would help care for the toddlers Phoenix stole. She even confided in me, she said something along the lines of that she couldn’t understand how a woman that’s a mother, can kill another mother. She was disgusted with the boss lady, and she had every right to hate her. Even if I knew the answer she looked for, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her what really happened on that day.

I believe Zebah contacted the boys the very next day, telling them that she could gather evidence to prove that Phoenix was responsible for S. U. N’s death. And just like that, the seven started their manipulation. They made sure to soften her up. They promised her a mafia free life. But what they failed to mention was the fact that ‘that’ life would most probably be behind bars.

Part 12

#nomimits7 #bts #bts x reader #ot7 x reader #bts mafia #mafia au #bts fbi #fbi au #namjoon #seokjin #yoongi #hoseok #jimin #taehyung #jungkook #zebah #zzz

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dreamlover31 · 3 years

Text

Love Will Find a Way: Chapter 28

He sat at his desk, case files stacked on one side while he scribbled away on the yellow notepad, another stress induced and albeit high profile case fell into his lap. A trust fund kid was a suspect in the drugging and raping of a young woman at his Manhattan loft, the victim had spotty memory, the physical evidence could be interrupted as both consensual, rough sex or rape and the guy had the best legal defense that money can buy.

There had been difficult cases before this, but Rafael was up against long odds…I’m in way over my head here, there’s no way this guy is going to spend one day in jail. Tension began to build up in his shoulders, the pounding in his head became almost unbearable, a small groan hummed through his lips as he pinched the bridge of his nose; right at that moment, a tapping at his office door gave him a small reprieve.

He tilted his head to see that it was his assistant Carmen at the door.

“Carmen, I said no interruptions”

“I know and I’m sorry Mr. Barba, but Ms. Duvall would like to speak with you”

From the moment, her name was said, his muscles tensed once again and his blood pressure began to rise, it had been almost a week since he caught the woman he loved locking lips with another man, during their time apart; Rafael had been staying at a local motel.

His mind wracked with anger and confusion, how could he have fallen into the same trap twice, after what happened with Yelena; Rafael felt that he would never find someone as wonderful and radiant like her until he met Alexa. Everything seemed perfect, right up until he found out she was pregnant and then out of nowhere, it all came crashing down, a blank expression formed on his face as he spoke bluntly:

“Tell her I have more pressing matters to attend to”

“I’m sorry, but she’s waiting outside and is very insistent”

Rafael sighed, “Fine, send her in”

Carmen nodded as she stepped back from the doorway and motioned for Alexa to enter, Rafael didn’t so much as bat an eye in her direction as she stood in front of his desk; he continued to scribble on the pad and flip through the current case file before him. Alexa was stunned at his act of disrespect, but remained vigilant, after a few minutes of tension filled silence; Rafael asked:

“Is there something I can help you with?”

“I was in the neighborhood, I thought that you could use a little pick me up other than coffee, so I stopped by a local Chinese place and ordered some things…” Alexa lifted her arm to show Rafael the large takeout bag but his eyes did not leave the file.

“I went to the doctor’s today”

With that, he ceased his actions and for the first time since she came in, he looked directly at her.

“Is there something wrong with the baby?”

“No…I went for an ultrasound and…” her voice trailed off as she placed the take-out bag on the small, wooden circular desk to the right and then reached into her purse, she pulled out a small folded up slip of paper. Her fingers worked quickly to straighten it out, Alexa then extended her arm out with it in hand. Slowly, Rafael bent over his desk and took the flattened-out paper from her hand.

“The doctor said that she’s doing really well…I think she kind of looks like you…she’s a happy, healthy baby”

He glanced at the ultrasound picture, the news that his daughter was in good health granted him with a sense of joy, and yet a cloud of suspicion erupted in his head as to her ulterior motive for being here, was this a ploy to get him to come back or was this a genuine act of co-parenting? Whatever the reason was, he thought to himself that he would not be suckered into it; he was not about to set himself up for another bout of heartbreak, then in a cold and emotionless tone, Rafael replied:

“Is that it?”

Alexa recoiled at the sound of his words…why is he acting like this? Doesn’t he care about me anymore? Before she could retort, Carmen came back in the room.

“I’m sorry to interrupt but Lieutenant Benson is on her way up to debrief you about the case”

“Tell her I’ll be with her in a minute”

“Yes, sir”

When they were left alone again, Rafael closed the file and jotted down a few more notes, all the while, his eyes didn’t steer towards Alexa’s. It became clear to her that coming to his office was a waste of time, with a defeated look, she walked to the door but stopped midway and faced Rafael.

“I’ll let you know when my next appointment is…that is if you want to come”

“I’ll see what I can do”

“Ok…take care of yourself and enjoy the food”

With her head down, Alexa exited his office, Carmen gave her a small wave but had gone unnoticed. She padded down the hallway until she stood in front of the elevators, her finger pressed the down button, then within a few minutes the doors opened. A soft smile grazed her face as she took in the appearance of Olivia, as soon as she stepped off the elevator; Olivia returned her smile with an added look of surprise.

“Alexa?”

“Olivia”

“What are you doing here?”

“I just stopped by to give Rafael an update on the baby”

“Oh…what did he say?”

Alexa lied, “That he appreciated it and to let him know when the next appointment is”

Olivia knew better than to take her words at face value, her body language spoke louder than that, her shoulders were slumped and her eyes looked as if they were about to tear up at any minute. Her lips parted as if she was about to say something until Alexa interrupted.

“Listen, I have to get going but I’ll call you later ok”

“Ok”

Olivia waited until the elevator doors closed then followed the path down the hall towards Rafael’s office, she bid Carmen a quick hello then quietly asked if she could give them some privacy, Carmen agreed and then grabbed her purse right before she slipped out the door. As she made her entrance, Rafael’s arms were propped up on top of the desk while his chin rested on his folded-up fingers, his eyes trailed her movements up to the point where they faced each other.

“Look Liv, I know how badly you want to get this guy…but this case is falling apart like a house of cards”

“I just ran into Alexa”

“Oh…”

“Is that all you have to say?”

Rafael sighed heavily, “Liv, with all due respect, this doesn’t concern you”

“The hell it doesn’t. Alexa is one of my closest and dearest friends, she’s like a sister to me…do you know how much it kills me to see her so miserable?”

“Jesus Christ, things didn’t work out between you and Tucker, so now your meddling into other people’s relationships?”

Olivia’s eyes widened as she bit back the anger that threatened to spill out, at the same time, she took a deep breath and mentally counted backwards; once her body and mind returned to a relaxed state, she declared:

“I’m just going to pretend that I didn’t hear any of that…look I understand that you’re hurting, but so is she. There’s not a day that goes by that she doesn’t think about you…just last night she kept calling out your name in her sleep, begging you to come back…she still loves you for god’s sake”

Rafael’s face fell, his mind began to replay the interaction between them earlier, even though they never made eye contact; he noted how full of hope her voice sounded when she handed him the sonogram picture and how quickly it turned into disappointment after he dismissed her with his callous behavior, it was then he realized that despite his anger and feelings of betrayal, he missed watching Alexa sleep peacefully during the early morning hours before he left for work; his fingertips caressing her soft, pale cheek and his lips planting small kisses on her growing belly.

They sat in silence for what seemed like five minutes, then Olivia placed her hands on top of his desk where their eyes met.

“Please, for Nadia’s sake…just talk to her”

He just sat there in a trancelike state, finally Olivia let out a frustrated sigh and proceeded towards the door, just as she was about to cross the threshold, she turned around and said:

“Let me know if anything develops on your end”

The second she left, Rafael looked over at his phone lying beside him, his finger clicked on his contacts app then scrolled down until he came upon Alexa’s name. With his phone in hand, he began typing away on the keypad.

We need to talk. There’s a diner around the corner, meet me in about 20 minutes.

Ok.

Alright, I’ll see you soon.

Yeah, me too.

Tagging: @madpanda75 @laceybellerain @southern-magnolia @tropes-and-tales @karens-imagined-world @thatesqcrush @teamsladsandgents @beccabarba @skittle479 @madamsnape921

#rafael barba #love will find a way #raul esparza

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cosmicjoke · 4 years

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Ash, Yut-Lung, and the Fundamental Difference between them:

Okay, so I rewrote this, better able to get into words what I originally intended to say.

Something that gets talked about a lot are the similarities between Ash and Yut-Lung, and the theory that if Eiji hadn’t come into Ash’s life, Ash himself might have become as monstrous as Yut-Lung. What makes them similar gets discussed plenty. They both had brutal, abusive upbringings, they were both trained and utilized by their abusers to be efficient killers, etc… But I want to focus on what makes Ash fundamentally different from Yut-Lung, and use that difference to argue for why I don’t think Ash ever would have become like him, with or without Eiji’s influence.

That fundamental difference is this. Ash chose, and was able to choose, love, while Yut-Lung chose, and was only ever able to choose, hate.

That may not sound like a lot, but it is an objective truth about these two characters that, when boiled down to their most essential selves, means everything.

Ash always had a heart open enough to receive and give love, despite the cruelty and miserable brutality of his life. Because of that openness of heart, when he was offered kindness, when he was offered friendship, he was able to accept it, and trust in it. That’s remarkable, when one considers Ash had been given, in his young life, every reason NOT to trust in anything or anyone. When he’d been given every reason to be wary, and suspicious of everyone, and to suspect ulterior motives behind every, friendly gesture. And Ash does often approach people at first with that wariness and suspicion. He approaches everyone at first with caution. He would be a fool not to, given his life experiences. But even still, with all of that fear and uncertainty, ingrained in him by years of enduring the most severe and traumatic kind of abuses, he is ABLE to TRUST. That is simply extraordinary.

It’s often Shorter who is given as the first, real example of a person who Ash was able to befriend and trust, but rather, I think, it’s actually Blanca. Blanca’s later betrayal aside for the moment, let’s really look at this relationship, and what it tells us about Ash.

Blanca came into Ash’s life when he was 14. Ash, at that point, had been trapped within the clutches of Dino for at least three years, possibly four, depending on whether Marvin had found Ash at ten or eleven. Ash was repeatedly raped and abused by Marvin and Froggy before being sold by Marvin to Dino to work as a child prostitute in Dino’s underground sex trafficking ring posing as a seafood restaurant, drugged and passed around between high powered clients, treated in every way as a disposable commodity, before being chosen by Dino to act as the man’s personal sex slave, raped God only knows how many times, before Dino decided to turn Ash into his own, personal weapon as well, utilizing Ash’s brilliance and natural abilities for his own, personal gain. While all of this was happening, Ash continued to be preyed upon and targeted by Marvin, who continued to rape Ash whenever the fancy took him. Ash’s experiences previous to that were in Cape Cod, where Ash was repeatedly and brutally raped by his baseball coach, blamed for it by the police, and, after his father’s abject failure to protect him from said abuse, was forced to kill his abuser to save his own life.

Well, just think about all of that for a moment please. Really THINK about it.

It’s the most horrific fate imaginable for any child. Truly. It’s beyond words. Beyond any logical explanation. Beyond any kind of reason. It’s a hellish nightmare, almost unspeakable in its grotesqueness.

So, enter Blanca.

When Ash first meets Blanca, he doesn’t trust him. No one can blame him for this. At this point in his life, what reason would Ash have to trust anyone? Ever? In truth, it’s a wonder that Ash is even still functioning in any kind of meaningful way. It’s a wonder he hasn’t gone completely insane, or simply committed suicide. With the kind of hell his life has become, like he later tells Eiji, it would have been a mercy simply to die. It would have been better, than to live the life he was living. One can assume, then, that only Ash’s veracity of spirit and powerful mind kept him from perishing. From giving in yet to total despair. Ash always was and always would be a fighter. But after suffering the kinds of sickening abuses he did, after experiencing the true depths of evil for which mankind is capable, enduring the worst kinds of atrocities one could commit against a child, Ash’s ability to trust in any person ever again should have been destroyed. It should have been.

But it wasn’t. Beyond all reason, beyond all expectation, beyond all probability, it wasn’t.

Ash comes to trust in Blanca. A trust which runs deep enough that Ash is able to reveal his true self around him. A trust deep enough that he can look up to Blanca with the honest admiration that any boy with a normal life would his father, or older brother. A trust which runs deep enough that Ash is able to look at Blanca with a genuine hopefulness.

Blanca finds Ash after he’s been raped by Marvin, and Ash, thinking Blanca is there to do more of the same, succumbs to a full blown panic attack. He stops breathing, his eyes go blank with terror as he can only fall paralyzed with horror and resignation, waiting for the inevitable.

But Blanca doesn’t rape Ash. He doesn’t assault him. He instead holds him, and coaxes him to breathe, and lets Ash cling to his chest while he cries. He comforts Ash, and Ash LETS him.

Later, while still in the hotel where Ash has so recently been brutalized, Ash opens up to Blanca, and tells him about the abuses he’s suffered at the hands of Marvin and Dino, and again he cries, expressing his pain and rage. And then, maybe most remarkable of all, Ash shows Blanca who he really is. He laughs freely and with the abandon of a little boy at how hopelessly square Blanca is. He completely lets down his guard and simply trusts this giant, dangerous man whom he’s known only a scant, few days. He lets Blanca see his pain, and his loneliness, and his despair. And he lets Blanca see how much of a child he still, truly is.

Later still, when Blanca rescues Ash from Marvin, and Ash looks up at Blanca with so much open admiration, we see again the depth of Ash’s trust. He believes completely in Blanca at this point. He believes completely that Blanca won’t hurt him. He believes completely that Blanca cares.

After asking in a tone of pure reverence how it is Blanca was able to break Marvin’s wrist so easily, and after Blanca explains that he’ll show him, Ash looks up at him with the most naked and vulnerable hope, and it’s one of the most heartbreaking panels of Ash there is, for how completely you can see his trust in this man. Exemplified too by how readily Ash goes with Blanca afterwards, following on his heels, sticking to him like a shadow, showing him the kind of trust a child would a parent.

All it took was Blanca showing Ash compassion once, for Ash’s wariness and suspicion to fall away, and for Blanca to help him once, for Ash to trust in him fully.

After years of the most horrific and terrible abuse imaginable, after years of being lied to, betrayed, failed, and used by every single adult in his life, Ash, with unreasonable quickness, trusts in Blanca, and believes in him. Believes in his honesty. Believes in his kindness.

This trust is later extended to Shorter, and Skipper, and Eiji, etc... The moment they showed to Ash genuine kindness, he took them at their word, and trusted in them without qualm. With everything precious to him.

Ultimately, it was Ash’s openness of heart and willingness to believe in people, despite all that had happened to him, that allowed him to find so many loving, caring people in his life. His own ability to trust, and his own capacity to love, which made it possible for him to make so many genuine, kindhearted friends who were so loyal to him, and who loved him just as much. It started with Ash’s ability to love, trust and believe in others. It started with Ash’s willingness to open his heart up to them.

And herein lies the fundamental difference between Ash and Yut-Lung.

Yut-Lung’s heart was never so open as to trust in anyone the way Ash was able to trust in those mentioned above. After the abuse Yut-Lung suffered, his heart shuttered closed and refused to open for anyone, and thus he became consumed by his own hate and lust for revenge. He wasn’t able to accept or believe in the shows of kindness offered him, the way Ash was. And in his inability to accept or believe in kindness, Yut-Lung lashed out in petty jealousy for the way Ash’s open heart drew friendship. loyalty, and love from others, trying in that petty jealousy to take those things away from Ash, enraged that his own, closed heart was unable to inspire the same.

Ash was ABLE to believe in love, in spite of the torments he’d suffered through. In spite of the pain, loneliness and trauma of his life, Ash was ABLE to love and be loved in return. Despite it all, defying all odds and expectations, Ash was able to believe in other people. Yut-Lung, suffering much the same, was only ever able to believe in hate.

#Banana Fish #Ash Lynx #Yut-Lung #Meta #Commentary #Akimi Yoshida #Manga #Anime

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queerchoicesblog · 4 years

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A Life So Changed (SC Titanic, Zetta x Adele Series, Ch. 15)

So, folks, here’s the new chapter of the series. Thank you so much for your support, hope you enjoy it!

Little disclaimer-favor: especially since the tags don’t seem to be working anymore, if you do enjoy it, please consider supporting the author & sharing this. A little gesture that means a lot!

Also, this chapter contains reference to THIS FIC I wrote about James and Zetta inevitable confrontation not showed in the original book.

Word Count: 2000+

Zetta x Adele Tag: @storyscaped @storyscapefanficarchive @marmolady @animus-and-anima @hayley-carter19 @escako @everlastingchoices @indescribablechoices @ahrielstuff @bornonawdnsday @nazario-sayeed @h-doodles @adele-serda @marlcasters @brightpinkpeppercorn @michelleconnoly @charliejane-blog @ghost-of-yuri @choicesgremlin @lanzhansguqin @orange-elephants @wonder-falcon

Zetta x Adele Series Tag: @eternal-langdon @nydeiri

➡️ Ch. 1, Ch. 2/1, Ch. 2/2, Ch. 3, Ch. 4, Ch. 5, Ch. 6, Ch. 7, Ch. 8/1, Ch. 8/2, Ch. 9, Ch. 10/1, Ch. 10/2, Ch. 11/1, Ch. 11/2, Ch. 12, Ch. 13, Ch. 14

____________________________________

What follows that night is a feverish dream. The following months flow in a haze as days blend into each other. New York, my apartment...all is familiar yet ever distant. As if I'm back home and somewhere far away simultaneously. I'm here and I'm not here.

Moving on is tougher than I could have possibly imagined. Sabine and Richard take care of me with tender compassion, doubling their usual efforts: it's heartwarming, truly. It leaves me wondering what I have ever done right in my life to deserve such adoration and, most importantly, affection because it's genuine concerned affection what I see in their eyes when our eyes meet. Sabine immediately added a newfound touch of sweetness to her proverbial efficiency and joins me at the breakfast table more often these days: sometimes it happens that I am not in the mood for talking and we sit together in complete silence. At first it made me nervous but my little Napoleon doesn't seem to mind: she would offer me a smile and gesture to the coffee pot or the plate filled with slices of my favourite bread and my nervousness melts away replaced by a sense of comfort. Richard visits me more than usual and invites me to join him for a walk at Central Park: "you always say how much you love that place, let's go together...it will do you good" he suggests, smiling sheepishly and offering me his arm. Just like Sabine, he doesn't mind that at times I fall quiet and melancholy takes over me. He would gently stroke my hand resting on his arm and keep walking at my side. One day, as I took a seat on a bench, he picked a flower, a gorgeous little daisy, and pinned it to my hat. He smiled at me and gave my hand an encouraging squeeze before taking a seat beside me. He's surprisingly sweet, sweeter than I deserve, and more mature than I thought when we first met. Richard never once mentioned nor complained about James. He would have every reason and right to question me about him after the secret letters my nephew sent him, asking for money. He never did: the day after our arrival, he even asked his friend John to make sure Mr. Eisler and his valet were safe in their New York apartment. Richard is probably waiting for the moment I'm ready to have that conversation. How could I never be ready for it? Yet, I must, I must confront my nephew: what he did is too hurtful and serious not to come with harsh consequences. Before I send a note to James, I share with Richard my decision: as much as I have little desire to see him now, he's still family and I have at least a moral obligation to him, the old oath I made to Theresa, so I will grant him a generous monthly income. I will set a few conditions, which include no more letters or inappropriate requested to Richard and no more interferences with the marriage under the treat of a legal action from my lawyers. I explain my fiancée the hideous scheme my nephew planned, omitting some details, and I assure him that I was in the dark about the letters: I knew nothing about them and I'm deeply ashamed and sorry he went this far. Richard listens to me carefully and gives me a painful smile as he take my hand into his. "I knew, Zetta. I always knew and I didn't suspect you when I received them, not even for a split second" he sighs. "I trust you, my darling". He just worried about me and he is still concerned because as much as it pains him to say that, my nephew seems dangerous and he has no sympathy for him. I assure him we won't see him anytime soon: after what he did, the things between James and I will never be the same. I don't even know if I will ever be able to forgive him. I repeat the same words to Jaime a few days later and having such a conversation with him is one of the toughest thing in my whole life. I'm angry and disappointed as I speak, wounded in the deep yet tortured by the familiar affection refusing to die inside me. When he close the door behind him, full knowing I don't know when we will see each other again, my heart breaks and I fall sobbing on my knees. My little prince is gone. There is a big fuss in town about the Titanic hearings: American and British authorities are investigating the disaster and the White Star Line company is covered with shame. The hearings are held in New York at Waldorf-Astoria Hotel so I try to keep updated. I spoke to a committing magistrate too: he asked questions about that night to see if I could provide valuable information for the official investigation. It turned out I had none or at least very little to offer him, aside from reporting the questionable decision of lowering half-empty lifeboats and the stubborn refusal to go against it of many officers, like the one I yelled at on the deck. I sign my deposition, which adds up to many others he gathered since the inquiry started. I don't need to testimony at court, he said, he has tons of other witnesses reporting the same issue and he will just add my deposition to the documents to be sent to the judge. "You can go, thank you for your time, Miss Serda" he smiles, vigorously shaking my hand. He praises my heroism but I don't know what he's talking about. Apparently, other witnesses claimed that they owe me their life or saw me protesting on the deck. I'm no hero, I think as my mind runs to the young steward who stayed behind, down in the belly of the sinking ship to keep the light on and give us all a chance to survive. I think his name was Charlie. A few weeks after the beginning of the hearings, about the end of May, I receive a letter from Lucille. She hadn't hear from me since our arrival and she's worried about me, she writes. She had sent me letters but I answered none. She profusely apologises for not waiting for me as she promised but "they had no choice, the chaos was mounting": she hopes this won't be the end of our friendship. Hoping so, she renews her invitation: Richard and I will be her most welcome guests if we fancy joining her and Cosmo for dinner at their apartment whenever it suits us. I don't know how to feel about this. Under different circumstances, it would have filled with joy, maybe relief after all we've been through, now...now things are more complicated than that. Unlike me, Lucille and Cosmo were asked to appear at court during the hearings to verify certain details. They had been all over the press ever since the news spread and I wonder if I'm being a bad friend "abandoning" her in a time like this. The press predictably feasted and is still feasting over the disaster: tragic stories, eye catching headlines, shocking revelations, heartwarming and heartbreaking pictures from the pier: ça vien sans dire, the touching embrace between me and Richard - "reunited lovers" as the caption said - made it to the front page. As weeks went by, my brief appearance was replaced by the new scandal involving nothing less than the Duff-Gordons, not only my personal friends but also a couple of incredibly famous socialites. When I first read it, my heart sank while Richard declared himself disgusted by what journalists write these days. Rumor has it that Lucille, sitting with her husband and secretary on Lifeboat No. 1, commented to her Laura something like, "There is your beautiful nightdress gone" in the aftermath of the sinking. When the Titanic disappeared to the bottom of the sea and poor souls were freezing to death in the ocean, begging us on the lifeboats to come back and save them. I still hear their screams in my nightmares. There's more though: reportedly Cosmo had bribed the lifeboat's crew not to return to save swimmers out of fear the vessel would capsize; he handed checks to them on board of the Carpathia. But Lifeboat No. 1 was designed to carry 40 passengers. Only 12 people were on board when it was lowered unlike the one I was on, filled beyond its capacity. How could an half-empty boat capsize? They could have saved so many lives that night! The thought made my stomach turn to the point that I feel almost nothing when I see the pictures of them during the inquiry: Cosmo looking grim and tensed in his seat and Lucile dressed in black, a mourning dress with a veiled hats, entering the court. I know better than to trust rumours blindly...but I know them. I've known her for ages and, as much as it hurts to say, I can't completely rule out the possibility that for once the press was right. Maybe I'm wrong but I can't vouch for them this time. And doubt is an uncomfortable thing... The final report by the inquiry is more generous than me and clear their names, even if - I'm sure - the general public will be less forgiving. Anyway, Richard is quite fond of the couple, we will surely go visit them... I do not pretend to be fine after what happened on my birthday's night -the sinking, James' betrayal, but I can conceal. I know how to conceal, if need be, in public, in front of people who cannot understand. I'm an actress, a great actress after all. But I feel numb, a ghost of my usual self. During the day I try to keep myself busy. My renaissance requires hard work and commitment as well as a good plan. Sabine and Richard are excellent helpers: I need new projects to work on to make my comeback and an efficient daily schedule to prevent me from drowning in my sorrow. I may conceal it but I dread the time when I have nowhere to run and my mind races back to that memory that fills me with excruciating sadness and guilt. My sweet revolutionary. At night I drink sherry and write letters to Adele. They're passionate, melancholic, tearful. I throw them away in the morning: my words flow on the paper but they ring hollow in the daylight. I don't know what I am supposed to write her. What should I tell her? What could possibly excuse my silence as times go by? I wish I could speak freely what's inside my mind but it's unbelievably difficult. More than she deserves, probably. For some time I tried to convince myself that our little romance on the Titanic was mere attraction, a secret affair favoured by the circumstances: two women growing close, Adele's protectiveness, my heart susceptible to women's beauty and charm just like hers. We found each other and it happened. That's all. But her memory lingers, it never fades away. Never. She always finds a way back to me. At night or during the day, by accident. She's everywhere even if this isn't a place she belongs to. She's in the announcement of a referendum for women's suffrage in Michigan: I read the news and think how excited she must be about it. Maybe she knows it already but I feel a silly urgency to send her the page of the newspaper: your dream may come true after all, see, my love? She's in a gorgeous dress I see hanging on a mannequin in a boutique and I know would fit her perfectly. I have to refrain myself not to buy it and send it to her with a sweet note because I don't care if she needs it, I just want her to have it. She needs beautiful things in her life too. She's in a witty joke I hear in a fancy cafe: I laugh and turn towards Sabine to say "Oh Adele would love this humour" but words die in my throat. When I turn, my cheer has turned into a grimace. Adele isn't here. I don't even know her address here. The thought pains me. I could ask Sabine to find it, I could visit her...but I find myself wondering if it would be the better judgement. I'd give up half my fortune or even more to know about her, even just a quick update. Is she fine? Is she still hurting? Did she and her sister settle down safely? Does she have nightmares at night? She looked so defeated and forlorn on the Carpathia, it pains me to remember seeing the light in her eyes flicker. But maybe this way it will be easier for her to move on. To forget me, if that's what we must get to, no matter how much it hurts. Sometimes I drink myself to a stupor to break the spiral of such thoughts and I'm quite ashamed of myself when Sabine finds me like that in the morning. I mutter nonsense excuses I don't owe her - but I feel like do, she's not a maid, she's my friend - as I hold onto her since I can barely stand on my feet at times and I burst into tears whenever she says: "You have nothing to apologise for, Madam" I do, though. I should - no I must apologise to Adele and Hileni too for disappearing and abandoning them on that pier. I must tell Adele how things really are, how I miss her, it's unbearable... So it's no surprise then that when Richard announces me his idea to postpone the grifter story project I've been working on in favour of a new one, "an homage to the Titanic tragedy", my mind comes find her once again. The project is a wise mix of ambitious opportunism - the sinking is still the talk of the town and people will love it - and genuine concerns. He says I'll not only play the main heroine but also pick the subject, he will just help assessing the script but he wants me to be the one calling the shots on the story to tell. I believe he feels it might be somehow therapeutic for me, aside from the alluring detail of having the star Zetta Serda co-writing an announced success. I consider it for a while, but in the end I write down the Carrem sisters story. I'm fully aware that the picture will hardly be able to bring back to life what it truly happened, the grandeur and the terror. I'm experienced enough to know that the audience can take only that much of the tragedy: they wanna cry and say that they felt as if they were there but they would scream and leave the room if I showed them the truth. A giant ship collapsing in front of you, officers shooting to maintain orders, stewards stubbornly denying desperate passengers their only chance to jump on a lifeboat and to survive, the screams of those who floated in the chilly waters and the dreading silence that followed their unmerciful death. They will never take that much. On the contrary, they will likely enjoy the story of two sisters separated and reunited, prevailing over the impending tragedy threatening to kill them both. It's an heartwarming story with an happy ending and the right amount of pathos and hope. It's also the story of my love that I'm writing down on paper and hand to the posterity. When I present it to Richard, he loves it. He himself couldn't have found a better story, he says, barely containing his excitement. I explain quietly that it's a true story, I just changed the names in respect of the real protagonists of this story. I can only hope Adele won't hate me for this when she sees it. Hate me even more than she's probably doing right now, I frown. I can only hope she will understand.

#titanic storyscape #zetta serda #adele carrem #zetta x adele #zetta x adele series

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megatraven · 4 years

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Betrayal in Olympus by one they trusted most AU? :o

ok ur gonna hate me but theres so many instances in astoria where it ALMOST happens th way i described exactly

there is. quite a bit of terrible betrayal from a trusted person in this series LMAO. i think the closest instance to what i said has to be hades’ season 3 where he breaks their engagement off to protect mc and she literally says she’ll never forgive him, except hades doesn’t die or almost die, she does,,

but YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!

i like the way u think my friend

ok ok ok ok ok

au where the gods realize that mc’s mother had hera’s potential after she dies. so they take mc to olympus to raise, knowing she’s the vessel of hera now. there’s no fight from her father, and only josh seems to care, but he can’t do anything in the face of 11 ancient gods.

they let her visit with him, from time to time, on olympus, but aside from that, her only real friend is alex.

alex has always been a constant in her life. from her earliest memories, they were there. she trusts them above anyone else, and that feeling only grows the more time she spends around them.

she’s had a crush on them for so long, but she falls for them when she’s around 20. she keeps a tight lid on that, and has a hard time looking aphrodite in the eyes once she realizes it.

come 25, alex is still her best friend, and they’re pretty much the only person she cares to hang around. over the past ten years they’ve made countless promises to each other, helped each other grow and learn and grieve and find happiness again

she’s undeniably in love with alex.

and she’s surprised when she finds out that they love her, too. in that same special sort of way, where their lips meet and their souls touch and dance and become something more than either of them

now the thing is this

mc know why she’s there on olympus- zeus told her as much when she first moved up there.

but there’s a part of her that never really believed the gods could be so cruel as to kill her, to replace her with someone else. not after they already took her mother.

and, more than that..... alex has promised her, time and time again, that they would keep her safe. that they would protect her, from anyone, anything.

maybe, at first, she didn’t really believe that, either. but they promised it so often, with such conviction, backing it up with their actions time and time again, that she couldn’t help believing in them fully

so she’s 25

and she’s in love with alex

and she trusts them more than anyone and anything

and the gods tell her that it’s time for them to awaken hera

and, she thinks, it’ll be okay- alex will protect her

but they don’t

they step back, ashamed, head bowed as they pull their hand from hers

they watch her with eyes that are filled with sorrow and guilt and heartbreak, but she can hardly care when they’ve just broken her own

they say they’re sorry, and she can only shout that she’ll never forgive them for breaking their promises

she refuses to see them, won’t speak to even aphrodite, and requests to change residences. hades lets her stay with him until the ritual day comes, and though it draws near, she can’t even bring herself to be afraid- all she can think about is alex and how they hurt her

the gods, she’s never had any close connection to, really. so for them to come through on what hey said, to awaken hera and leave her for dead... it doesn’t surprise her, really.

but alex. alex betrayed her. abandoned her.

it hurts the most of everything.

when time runs out for her, she’s escorted to the throne room, where all eleven top-tier gods have gathered for the ritual to awaken hera

mc meets the gaze of each god in there, willing them to be faced with the fact that they’re about to kill her, to remember how she looked at them when all is said and done.

her gaze lingers on aphrodite a little longer, and her heart aches, but she moves on, passing over alex, and onto the next god

zeus gives some long-winded speech, which she drowns out in favor of watching the agents and minor gods milling about in the background.

when the ritual is just about to begin, she notices from the corner of her eyes that alex has disappeared. her heart sinks further, for all of a moment before a silver stag and doe burst into the throne room, and the room falls into chaos

several gods jump up and summon their auras, too- but not to stop alex’s. they stand with them- with her.

she’s so surprised, and looking around wildly for alex, that she doesnt see zeus approach until he’s already grabbed her arm

she shouts and tries to pull away, but she was never going to be a match for the god’s strength. she never even trained with her aura, the gods only let her keep the ring because she would become Hera, and they wanted the proof that there was connection enough between the two of them that Hera could be awakened at all

stag and doe ram into him though, emboldened by the hearts of aphrodite’s aura, pushing him back and making him stagger, enough so that his grip on mc loosened and she can get herself free

alex swoops in in front of her, a shield to the sword that’s been hanging over her head for the past decade

the fight is terrible. gods rip into one another, feuds thought long forgotten rising back to the surface as some fight for their goddess, and others fight for the right for humans to live their own lives, or even just to honor the one they’d considered a friend.

it’s brutal

and through it all, alex stays right by her side

there’s no time to exchange words, not while they fend off the king of gods himself

something has to bend

something has to break

unfortunately, it’s alex who does, when zeus’ lightning spears right through their stag and doe both, shattering the auras, and hitting them right in the chest

they fly back into mc, and she’s barely able to stop them both from crashing to the ground

she holds onto them as they sink down, all their energy, their strength drained

she’s openly crying, and doesn’t much register how the sounds of fighting have quieted around her, or how zeus hasn’t immediately taken her away, or the golden light that shines on them both. (her aura, she’ll realize later.)

there’s only her, and alex, and that sweet smile she missed so much that’s always soothed her, heart and soul

they reach a hand up and brush a thumb over her cheek, wiping away a trail of her tears

“im sorry” theyll say. “i never wanted to hurt you.”

“then why?” she asks, although at this point, she doesn’t care about the answer. they came back to her, after all. nothing matters more than that. it’s in their actions that she sees their truth.

“it had to be this way. so i could be in the throne room when the time came, without being suspect.” they wheeze out a breath, coughing. “so i could stop them from hurting you.”

“you shouldn’t have done that.” her breath hitches, and she’s almost sobbing. “you stupid, stubborn demigod. i didn’t need to be saved, i just needed you to be with me.”

“i know that. but there wasn’t any point for me, if you weren’t alive, too.”

“and what about me?” she whispers, holding them closer to her, as much as she can without hurting them more. “what point is there for me if you die now? you’re... everything”

“you’ve still got josh,” they say. their hand comes to rest over one of hers. “my mother has his address.”

her heart beats louder at that, but its not enough to distract her from the now.

“alex, please. don’t leave me.”

“i’m sorry.”

she knows they would stay if they could. they promised her that they would never leave. but this time she doesn’t see it as a broken promise.

“i am, too. i’m so, so sorry... i love you”

its the first time she’s said the words to them. it’s the last time, too,

they smile with whats left of their strength.

“i love you, too.”

and then their eyes flutter close

(for a happier ending than this----- ignore the ‘its the last time, too’ part, and think of mc’s aura- hera’s power- finally awakening in her, but not the goddess herself. her aura is capable of healing others, and she pours it into alex, to the point that they’re no logner in danger of dying, and mc becomes the first and only demigod of hera)

#death tw #alex cyprin #alex x mc #alex #afk mc #astoria #lovestruck #afk mom #hera #josh #zeus #my fic

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jazy3 · 4 years

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Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X19

I loved this episode! I was really excited for it based on the promo information I saw and I was not disappointed! This episode is a partial standalone that focuses on a small handful of characters while also showing us what the other characters are doing and providing more background and insight on a select few. Standalone episodes are not my favourite, but I really liked this one. Let me set the scene. Richard, Maggie, Teddy, and Cormac are in Los Angeles for the LA Surgical Innovation Conference. Richard is excited because he’s there to present his PATH Pen to the world. Maggie is there to support him and loves these things so she’s pumped. Teddy is excited to have some kid free time to herself and Cormac does not want to be there at all.

We see Richard arrive at the Conference and meet up with Maggie. He calls her Meredith by mistake which is the first sign of trouble. He blames it on the long flight and tells her he’s rewritten his speech at least 20 times. Maggie tells him that she’s happy to be there and support him and that Meredith says she’s sorry she couldn’t be there as planned because her sitter got the flu last minute. I liked that they addressed why Meredith couldn’t be there. That really bothered me about the dinner party episode. The premise was that both Maggie and Jackson thought the dinner was for Catherine and Richard’s anniversary when in reality it was to tell them they were getting a divorce yet the fact that Meredith wasn’t invited or present was never addressed. Which to Maggie should have been the first clue that something was up, but it wasn’t addressed at all which made no sense because Meredith is the main character.

This episode went from zero to sixty real fast! Following this exchange we see Catherine appear at Richard’s hotel room and they make up. He spends most of the episode in his hotel room with Catherine writing and rewriting his speech and have a jolly good time doing it. I knew right away from how quickly they made up that something was wrong, but I couldn’t tell what it was. The reveal about Richard was the most shocking to me by far. My best friend, who I watch with, picked up on it way faster than I did. Next we see Teddy and Maggie meet up at something called Heart Valve Happy Hour. They’re talking about why they like these kinds of things when Maggie notices a guy named Winston from across the room. It turns out Winston was one of her residents at Tufts University when she lived in Boston. He’s very handsome and it turns out he had a crush on her but never did anything about it because she was his boss and he was resident.

He planned to ask her out when he became an Attending, but then Maggie moved to Seattle right before that happened so he never got the chance. It turns out the attraction is mutual and major sexy times ensue! Get it girl! After all of the BS that Jackson put Maggie through these last couple of seasons I am here for it! Get yours girl! Maggie deserves a hot hookup with a hot guy who’s into her and doesn’t try to change her and boy does she get it. They sleep together and then spend the remainder of the Conference having one long date where they talk by the pool and bond over having both lost their mothers in the last 2 - 3 years as they share their favourite movies and ideas of a perfect day. It’s super adorable and totally cute.

Everything is going great until Winston suggests that one of them move to either Seattle or Boston to be with the other. That was sudden! Maggie thinks so too. She tells Winston she likes him, but she needs time to weigh and measure and think. Winston says that’s fine and to take all the time she needs, but he doesn’t think he’ll feel any differently in the future. He’s into her and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. My first thought when Winston said that was, “Well they definitely haven’t talked about the sister house! ‘Cause there’s no way Maggie is leaving her sisters, nieces, or nephew for a former resident of hers she reconnected with at a Conference. Maggie’s not leaving her crew for that. Uh ah.”

I like that Winston within one episode is already 100 times better for Maggie than Jackson ever was. Jackson was always trying to change her and make her into something she’s not. Maggie deserves someone who loves her for who she is and doesn’t want or expect her to change. Winston is one of those characters that I think could go either way. Either this is a one time thing and this will be the last we see of him or he’ll pop up again later on as a recurring character after he moves to Seattle. Honestly, Winston really grew on me this episode and I’d love to see him again. Maggie deserves to have some fun with a hot guy that’s into her and likes her for who she is!

And Maggie’s not the only one who bumps into someone from her past. While sitting at the hotel bar Teddy bumps into Claire who it turns out is an old friend and former roommate of hers who also knew Teddy’s best friend Allison. And plot twist it’s surprise bisexuality that you never saw coming! Yes it turns out after six non-consecutive seasons of being on this show and never once showing the slightest bit of interest in women Teddy Altman is bisexual. I was shocked. This show never ceases to amaze me. We find out that Allison, Teddy, and Claire were roommates back in New York and that Claire and Teddy worked together. Claire and Allison were a couple, but we find out through a flashback that at the time of Allison’s death she and Teddy were having an affair behind Claire’s back. Claire tells Teddy that she suspected something was going on at the time but didn’t know for sure until she requested Allison's phone records. It turns out Teddy was the last person she tried to call as the Twin Towers collapsed around her. Not her parents, not Claire, but Teddy. This news leaves Teddy gutted and utterly devastated.

Here’s something interesting that I caught on re-watch. In the flashback to 2001 after Claire leaves for work Allison says she’s disappointed to hear Teddy has to work tomorrow because she wanted to invite her to breakfast at Windows on the World. I didn’t recognize the name so I looked it up. Windows on the World was a fancy restaurant that was part of the North Tower of the original World Trade Center complex. It’s a small detail but I thought it was a nice touch. I also thought there was something heartbreaking about Allison inviting Teddy to have breakfast with her at a restaurant that was part of the complex she worked at that would eventually become the site of her death.

Towards the end of the episode Teddy sees Claire sitting by herself in a quiet corner of one of the halls and decides to try and make amends. They both apologize and Teddy tells her about meeting Owen and how he saved her from a grief so big that it almost killed her and that for years she felt guilty for loving him half as much as she loved Allison and because he was with someone else and because she wasn't capable of letting someone love her fully. She realizes now that Allison loved both of them: Teddy and Claire. At the time, Teddy didn't believe it because she thought you couldn’t love more than one person at a time, but she does now. She tells Claire how very sorry she is for the betrayal. Claire says she could never stay mad at anybody for loving Allison and they hug it out.

Kudos to Claire for being such a good sport and being so amazing! I don't know if I would take what Teddy had to say that well. While the fact that there was more to Allison’s story and Teddy’s relationship to her was always implied I never saw this coming. I think if maybe they had dropped some hints now and again it might have been less shocking. They’ve dropped hints and made comments over the years about Amelia being bisexual, but never Teddy so I thought that was odd. I got the impression that they might have been trying to imply that what happened with Allison was so traumatic that Teddy stop dating women after that point, but it felt like they could have explained or explored that a little better.

Also they never established if Allison was the first woman Teddy dated. If that’s the case it’s possible that Teddy fell in love with Allison only and apart from that has only ever dated men which does happen. I hope we get some clarification on this in future episodes and they explore this more. There’s something else I want to point out about this storyline which is the stereotype of bisexuality and being unfaithful. As a straight person I didn’t pick up on this at all, but my best friend whose queer did. We watched the show together and afterwards she pointed out that more than one of the queer characters on Grey’s Anatomy seem to fall under the stereotype or misconception that bisexual people are more prone to cheating which in reality simply isn’t true.

She pointed out that we’ve seen other examples of this with Arizona and Callie. Arizona was a lesbian who cheated on her partner and was blatantly bi-phobic and had a real problem with Callie being bisexual. Callie was a bisexual woman who got cheated on by all of her partners gay and straight. As Grey’s is known for being progressive about a lot of stuff, including LGBTQ representation, I don’t think this is intentional, but I do think they could be more sensitive to it. Especially because there are still so many myths and misconceptions about the LGBTQ+ community out there and not everyone has someone in their life who is a part of that community.

I was surprised that Maggie and Teddy were so happy to see each at this Conference and were hugging it out like old friends. Last time we saw them together Maggie made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with Teddy’s drama and could she please stop confiding in her? Maggie and Teddy aren’t the only ones who receive a blast from the past this week! My new favourite character Dr. Cormac Hayes does as well. Cormac hasn’t been to a medical conference in a while and being there brings back memories for him of when he met his late wife Abigail. Lucky for us the audience gets to experience these moments as flashbacks which are by turns both hilarious and heartbreaking.

Hayes arrives at the Conference with his two teenage sons in tow. He flashes back to when he was younger and first saw his wife across a crowded room. He was a young doctor attending the same medical conference at the same hotel and she was handing out pens in the hotel lobby. Later on we see Teddy and Cormac having a drink at that Heart Valve Happy Hour event which apparently has free booze. Teddy comments that he doesn’t seem happy to be there. Cormac says he’s not and doesn’t really want to be, but Bailey asked him to come and represent Peds and he’s the new guy and it felt more like an instruction than a request so he came.

He tells her he brought his boys with him so that they could see their aunt who lives in LA. A sales rep comes over to talk to them. Cormac dislikes him instantly and we soon see why. We then see a flashback of Abigail approaching Cormac at a hotel bar. She’s handing out pens. He asks if she knows how they work and if she’s aware that the company she’s working for makes erectile dysfunction medication. It’s a great comedic moment and you get to see why they fell for each other. Abigail tells him she didn’t know that and that it’s no wonder none of the guys there will take the pens. She admits that she knows nothing about the company and she’s only there because her friend told her they would pay them $500 each to go hand out some pens at a Conference. She says that while that might not mean much to a big fancy doctor like him to a starving artist like her that’s rent money which is why she took the job.

She tells Cormac about her work and says that she’s a mixed-media artist. She tries explaining it to him but it’s clear that he doesn’t get it which she comments on. He says that all of the words make sense just not in that order. She says she has to get back to handing out pens. Cormac doesn’t want her to go so he takes all of them saying he uses a lot of pens. He offers to buy her a drink which she accepts. Years later we see Cormac, Abigail, and their boys in a hospital room. She’s sick with cancer and is anxious because she’s about to have a hysterectomy. Cormac sits next to her and does his best to calm her down. He reminds her that it’s a routine procedure and that the surgeon he found for her is great. Abigail is afraid that she’ll die. Cormac laughs because it seems impossible. To try and cheer up he makes a joke about how if she dies he and the boys will move on. He says it’ll be a tough couple of days, but then everything will be fine because as a surgeon and a sexy widowed father of two women will be lining up to go out with him and bringing him casseroles. He won’t have to work for it at all. They both laugh.

Time moves forward. We see that Abigail’s condition has worsened and things aren’t looking good. They’re on their second clinical trial and she’s now wearing a head wrap because she’s lost all of her hair to chemotherapy. The boys do their best to try and cheer her up. She asks them to go find her a ginger ale. They leave and it soon becomes clear why she wanted to speak to Cormac alone. She knows she’s dying and there’s a good chance that this trial won’t work which means he’ll be on his own soon. Cormac doesn’t want to believe that and tells her to stop talking like that because he can’t bear the thought of losing her.

He cries and tries to get her to stop, but she persists so he listens. She gives this gut wrenching speech about how he has to make sure the boys know it's okay to cry and feel everything and fall apart and be a mess. She doesn’t want them to bottle it all up and have their grief eat away at them. That it’s okay for him to fall apart too and that he needs to let the boys see that. She makes him promise to let the boys see her sister. She says she’s crazy, but she’s not a bad person and she loves them. This line cracked me up! She tells him that if he has trouble with the boys he should call his mother because Cormac is proof that the woman knows what she’s doing. Cormac cries at this and does his best to hold it together. She tells him it’s okay if Austin quits piano. She told him he’ll get better if he keeps practicing, but she’s pretty sure it’s hopeless. She also tells him to keep an eye on Liam's temper because he gets that from her and they’ve both seen the trouble that can cause. And one last thing, Cormac has her permission to fall in love again. She says he deserves to be happy. He says he doesn’t want that at all.

Abigail says she knows that which is why he needs to hear her say it. She doesn’t want him to feel guilty or beat himself up about it. She repeats his own words back to him from before she had her hysterectomy and reminds him that since women will be lining up he won't have to work for it. In the scene that follows we find out that Abigail has died and we see Cormac and the boys in the process of cleaning out her hospital room. Austin sits down on the bed crying. He doesn’t want to leave. Cormac goes and sits with him and says they can stay as long as he likes. Liam says the whole thing is stupid and you can tell he’s trying to be strong and hold it in. But in honouring Abigail’s wishes Cormac motions for Liam to come and sit beside him. He does and begins crying in Cormac’s arms. He comforts them and holds them while they grieve the loss of their mother and fall apart.

As soon as Cormac said that line about being a sexy widower I knew they were going to bring it back. It was too good not to. It also gives me hope for Meredith and Cormac’s budding romance. To me it’s the only thing that makes sense. Cristina sent Cormac as a gift to Meredith, multiple people in Mer’s life have commented on the sparks between them and how great they’d be together, and she’s the only one we’ve seen Cormac spend quality time with or show a romantic interest in. To me there was no point in including that line if they’re not meant to end up together. We saw across multiple seasons how Derek felt about Meredith and he was adamant that if something ever happened to him that she should move on and find love again.

He brought it up multiple times while he was alive and it’s a big part of why he encouraged her to connect with her sisters and his and why he pushed her to open up to the possibility of having kids. And once those kids were there he wanted them and Meredith to be surrounded by as much love as possible. He was adamant that if something ever happened to him he didn’t want Meredith to be alone and she’s not. These flashbacks with Cormac and Abigail and the boys provide us with similar information. We get to see how they fell in love and how he supported when she was sick. We get to see the love they had for each other and how much they love their sons.

We also get to see that both Abigail and Derek wanted similar things for the loves of their lives and their children in the event of their passing. They wanted them to find love and be happy because they deserve it. There are so many parallels here between Meredith and Cormac’s stories it’s mindboggling. To me this is the perfect set up for Cormac to finally pluck up the courage and ask Meredith out. He’s obviously wanted to for a while now, but I think he’s been reluctant up till now because he’s been grieving and wasn’t sure if he was ready or if she was. Then with the whole DeLuca situation he’s likely been wondering if it’s the right time or if it’s too soon. I think going to the Conference and reflecting on the time he spent with his wife will make him realize that it’s time to move on. Because at this point he’s done everything else that Abigail asked of him before she died. He let his boys know it’s okay to cry and fall apart and feel everything. He let them see him be weak and miss her and be a mess. He’s taken the boys to see their Aunt like he promised.

Although we don’t get confirmation on this he presumably keeps in touch with his mother. No word yet on whether Austin quit piano but it’s safe to assume that he did. He’s doing his best to keep an eye on Liam’s temper and make sure that he looks after Austin. But the one thing Cormac hasn’t done is let himself fall in love again until now. As Abigail said Cormac deserves to be happy and he shouldn’t feel guilty or beat himself up for moving on. I think spending time reflecting on that will help him see that it’s time to move on and move forward and that Meredith is a wonderful person who has the potential to be an amazing partner if he’s willing to take the risk and go for it.

When they first introduced Cormac as a character I had hoped that we’d get to see Meredith ask him out as we’ve never really seen that before. She’s usually the one who gets asked and we’ve never really seen her take an interest in someone of her own volition. All of her past romantic partners have all been people who either pursued her relentlessly even when she told them repeatedly to stop (which still bugs me) or people her friends pushed her into dating that she wasn’t really into. While I’d love to see her ask Cormac out on a date I think with everything that’s been going on with DeLuca she’d be reluctant to. DeLuca has had several very public meltdowns at this point. Most of which Cormac was present for. On top of that her best friend, Cormac’s co-chief, just up and left and the man whose been like a father to her since she was three is gravely ill.

Cormac knows all of that because he was either there at the time or heard about it after the fact. Meredith asking Cormac out with everything that’s going on could be seen by some as insensitive or too soon or inappropriate and I think Meredith is sensitive to that. People have been talking crap about her since Addison showed up in Season 1. She knows that which is why I think Cormac is going to have to be the one to ask her out. I have a feeling he’s been waiting for the right time, but as we all know with Meredith’s life there’s never a right time. Her life is always chaotic and there’s always something going wrong. I hope that with what he’s witnessed recently and the memories the Conference brought back Cormac can see that now and decides to go for it.

Back in the present, we find out why Cormac hates the sales rep so much. Cormac knows all about the firm's devices because their most popular model is used for minimally invasive hysterectomies. It turns out the device has little spinning claws that chop up fibroids, but the problem is that what looks like fibroids can in fact be cancer in which case the device spreads countless cancer cells to metastasize everywhere. Was anyone else horrified listening to Cormac describe that thing? It sounds terrifying and according to Cormac it’s just as deadly and awful as it sounds.

Yes it turns out the device this clueless sales rep is peddling is the device that killed Cormac’s wife Abigail. While explaining this Cormac takes the ice out the drink the rep gave him in order to illustrate his point. At that point I knew something was wrong and I think the rep should have too. Cormac was clearly agitated and the rep failed to pick up on that big time. That man should have read the room, apologized, and left. Instead he kept prattling on to Cormac and put his foot directly in his mouth by telling him that less than 1% of benign fibroids turn into uterine sarcomas.

Cormac says his wife Abigail was one of those 1%. That device took the mother of his boys and the firm is paying to suppress the proof that it kills people. He passes on the drink. The sales rep finally gets the memo and hightails it out of there. Cormac apologizes to Teddy for his outburst and leaves. And that’s what I like about Cormac. He gets loud and takes a stand when it matters, but he’s also quick to apologize for this behaviour. Not because he’s out of line but because he knows that behaving like that can be upsetting to other people and he knows that’s no fun to be around.

The big reveal about Richard comes towards the end of the episode shortly before Richard goes on stage to give his presentation. We see Richard in his hotel room, but as he looks back at Catherine she disappears. It turns out that she was never there to begin with. Richard’s been hallucinating all day and judging by his comment at the beginning his memory’s going as well. Which means it’s not just his hand and the problem is worse than we thought. Right at the end of the episode is when all of these worlds collide. We see Maggie wish Richard luck before his talk. Before heading into the lecture room herself she talks to Winston who talks about moving to Seattle or Boston to be together. Maggie, Cormac, and Teddy sit in the audience together and wait for the talk to begin. Back in Seattle we see Catherine pacing as Jackson sets up the live feed so they can see Richard’s presentation. It begins and Catherine says he looks handsome. Bailey joins them.

We see Meredith at her house sitting down on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. Zola gets the livestream going and Meredith asks how she knows how to do that. To which she replies, “Mom, Everyone knows how to do this.” Haha she cracks me up! Richard takes the stage and his talk begins and that’s when everything goes awry. He says he’s not going to talk about his PATH Pen anymore because this morning, with his brilliant wife's help, he has found a way to cure cancer. It quickly becomes clear that something is wrong as Richard starts talking about curing cancer and flipping through slides with hand drawn pictures of hearts and lungs and an atomic explosion. Maggie turns to Cormac and tells him that something is wrong and to help her get a gurney and get him off the stage.

Back in Seattle, Catherine tells Jackson she thinks he’s drunk. Zola is confused too and asks her Mom what Uncle Richard is talking about. Meredith says she doesn’t know and realizing that something is wrong asks her to get her phone for her. Back at the Conference Maggie tries desperately to get Richard to leave the stage with her. He says he’s fine and tries to continue. And that’s when things go from bad to worse because he looks at Maggie, his own daughter, and asks who she is. Cormac tries to help guide him off the stage and in response Richard becomes uncharacteristically aggressive and pushes him telling him to get his hands off him. Maggie and Cormac forcibly remove him from the stage against his protests. Maggie tells them to cut the feed which they do and yells for someone to call 911.

As the episode ends, we see Maggie walking with the paramedics who are wheeling Richard out of the hotel on a gurney. Richard is confused and asks what's going on. As they leave they walk past Winston on their way out. This scene absolutely gutted me! It was so hard to watch! Also where does Catherine get off saying he’s drunk? That man has been sober for years. He’s not cheating on her and all of their problems are in her head goddamnit. My heart broke for Maggie as she realized something was terribly wrong. My heart broke again for Meredith as she sat at home and realized the same thing but was unable to help from so far away.

Until next time!

#grey's anatomy #Meredith Grey #cormac hayes #maggie pierce #teddy altman #richard webber #zola grey shepherd #catherine fox #jackson avery #16X19 #love of my life #lgbtq representation

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