How fucked am I if I'm actually happy to feel horrible? It feels so refreshing after having every emotion numbed down. I love this feeling of "today felt nice, something unthinkably bad will happen soon", and this overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I love being able to name them!!!
I'm used to this feeling of impending doom to the point where I just sort of accept it, but today it felt different. So powerful. Made my heart go faster. Made me feel so helpless. Made me feel alive!
And I did not even need meds to feel it!
Am I healing? Am I finally healing?
It's such a relief, to feel this way again.
I'm glad. I'm happy. I feel something I can name. I feel so many things I can name. Today was so... Productive! Even though I have not created anything, other than pleasant memories!
I thought it would be a disaster. I thought I've lost myself even further today. But no.
I'm coming back.
Wait for me, my younger self.
I will pull you back up.
We will stand here, soon, arm by arm, side by side.
We will be one again.
Today, I have found you.
But one day, together, we will reach the me.
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i am noticing lately that things are … missing? from my heart. not just the jenny thing — i cannot find my deep profound care re: what other people think of me, or my intense desire to cultivate the relationships i have with others, when in the past both things have mattered so much to me. there is a general vague sense that i may just have to wait out the storm clouds, but in letting them exist i am learning that i am maybe very sad about, like, a lot of things.
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I really think Pokemon should go back to 2D. Not even necessarily like HD 2D or whatever like Octopath Traveler (although that'd be cool I guess), but just what they had going in Gen 4/5, but polished up to modern tech standards.
So much charm was lost in the shift to 3D (not without benefit, of course, but still), and it brought a whole host of space issues, all in the name of making Pokemon look less appealing and having awkward movements. Like, compare these images of Hippowdon:
Leftmost is Gen 5, middle is modern, and rightmost is the (leaked) sprite from S/V.
Gen 5's is awesome! Grainy, obviously, by design, but otherwise it's super cool. You see a fierce looking hippo, posed threateningly, spewing sand to demonstrate its signature mechanic. Perfect.
Modern Hippowdon makes me sad. It's still kind of grainy (beyond what the resolution change of this image did to it), and it just looks like me on a Monday morning. You'd have no idea that this thing shoots sand, and you'd only get to see it look cool for a fraction of a second when it attacks, sometimes.
Then there's S/V Hippowdon. It's just a menu sprite icon, but look how clean it looks compared to modern Hippowdon! Imagine the Gen 5 Hippowdon pose, with the SV Hippowdon style. That'd be ideal for me I think.
3D has its benefits for sure, obviously, but I think 3D should be saved for spinoffs where a smaller scale can be enforced, and thus more care can be put into what is in the game. Comparing the 3D animations of Pokemon Colosseum/XD and what we have now proves this; in the Orre games, the Pokemon really feel alive, because they move in a way natural to what you'd expect, whereas in the modern era, everyone stands there idly and twitches once in a while to attack or get hit.
Move animations suffer as well. Let's compare the animation of Earthquake, a move that's supposed to be a terrifying massive quake of the earth. Here's how it's depicted in Gen 4:
Pretty cool, right? The magnitude of the quake is shown by literally everything shaking violently, with some dramatic flashes and rock effects. Not bad. But this could really benefit from 3D, let's take a look at how a powerful explosion of the earth is shown with the cutting edge graphics of Gen 8:
It is what would be considered a god awful green screen effect if seen in a movie.
Sure, but how much better could a 3D Earthquake animation be? Well, let's turn to the love of my life, Pokemon XD, to see how it's done:
Look, maybe you disagree with my assessment of these images, and that's fine. But I strongly encourage you to go back and play, say, Emerald, or Platinum, or what have you, if you haven't recently. You'll be able to palpably feel the difference between it and the newer games, and the visuals are just the surface of this. They're just what tends to come to mind whenever I think about it.
Idk I just miss when Pokemon games were delivered as strong single player games with multiplayer capabilities meant to last a decent while and then be put down, and returned to in a few years when you're feeling wistful, as opposed to increasingly lightweight multiplayer focused games with increasingly less single player endgame content so that they can push subscriptions of the god awful online pass
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hi li I hope you're doing okay (obv not and I mean that in the NICEST way possible) I'm sorry you're going through so much shit with men and your mom and jobs :/ my abusive ex called me the same girls name twice when I was in my....relationship/situationship with him so! That was cool and he definitely fucked me up in more ways than one. As for the other stuff, I've been unemployed for a month now (for the second time this year!!!!) so I feel like my degree is useless and I'm doing something wrong cause all my friends are either in grad school or have stable jobs lmao 🙃 and then. my mom told me to smile more in public the other day so that men would talk to me but!! She still doesn't know that I'm a lesbian!!!!!! Lmao. Maybe this is weirdly personal and out of nowhere but I definitely still read your text posts and think about you so I guess I just want you to know that you aren't alone in having an especially Bad Time rn. But yeah. I love seeing your posts on my dash and I do read your tags and I hope things can start to work out better for you soon, you definitely deserve better. I hope this ask isn't too weird but I just wanted to send you some love 💕
dndkdmdmdmd 😞💗 it wasn't weird at all and i appreciate you and your kind words so much you have no idea!!!! sjsjksksks i feel like we're living the same life atp this is literally mirroring my life almost exactly 😭 i get you my dude... and i'm sorry you're going through some shitty stuff rn 🫂🤍 i really hope things do change and get better :(
honestly it's kinda crazy when everything sucks and nothing makes me feel better like damn 🫡 gonna just keep taking Ls and for whatttt like what's the pointttt 🤷♀️ it's just insane to me...
in any case 🫂🖤 this is me sending u a hug bud... i hope you're doing ok... perhaps we won't feel miserable forever but at least in any case i am rooting for you!!!
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