#old trauma

[fr3ak1nth3sh33ts]

Lmao- Vix just texted me suggesting I get a priest involved to ‘bless the house’. Hell no, I’ve got some bad experience with priests (that’s where majority of my scars came from). Anyways~ I’ve got a friend coming over later, ima see if she can help me out….maybe she’ll be able to give me answers too….

[house-of-slayterr]

TW: Self Harm

Don't read if you're triggered by details involving self-harm behaviour. I promise I'm doing fine right now, sometimes it just feels good to say stuff out loud, or through writing.

So as you guys know, at least where I am, 2 hours from now it will officially be my birthday. Most people get really excited about this, but birthdays have always been kind of stressful for me. They were more an excuse for my mom to get drunk and invite her friends over than they were fun for me. I never really got to choose what to do for my birthday.

Last year, my birthday was really rough. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun on the day, and my bestie took me out shopping. But the night before was awful. I had a panic attack so bad that I "Jokered" My face. Or "Jeff the Killered" It, however, you want to describe it. But I cut a smile into my skin because every time I looked in the mirror I couldn't bring myself to be happy. That was a really low point for me.

I was really surprised how easily I was able to hide the cuts from my parents, the mask mandate for sure helped. But the day after, when I was in a clear head space again, I obviously regretted it. And with my medical knowledge, I was able to help my scars heal pretty well. They are almost not even noticeable among the acne scars on my face, and they're easy to edit out in pictures.

But I know they're there, I always know they're there. I have to see them every time I look in the mirror. I can feel them when I touch my face. And I hate them, they make me feel so weak. Especially since I can't even really say why I did it. I have no way to explain how I was feeling that night, or why my brain thought that was a rational conclusion. And that's kinda how I feel about most of my scars.

I don't feel like I ever had a "good enough" reason to hurt myself. Even though there is obviously never a good reason. But they make me feel like a "Poser" sometimes, because honestly, sometimes I just do it when I'm bored or understimulated. I'm working really hard on getting better, and I do talk to my therapist about it. So things are going well. But scars are permanent reminders that I fucked up.

This is one of the reasons I hate the summer. Because of my health conditions, I can't handle the heat. Which means I can't hide from anyone. My scars are on full display, and I hate when strangers ask about them. But my body is on display in another way in the summer. My dysphoria gets so bad because everyone can see my full hips and thick things. I can't hide my small waist in layers of clothing, and Right now it's not safe for me to bind. So everyone can tell I'm a "Woman" in the summer and I hate it.

I don't think my body is very nice to look at. But I'm working on that. And all the compliments you guys give me on here, mean everything to me. You guys are always so sweet and caring, and you make me feel worthy of being here. I fight very hard every day because I want to be here for all of you, with all of you. I want to share in your sad moments, to help take the load off. I want to rejoice in your happy moments and celebrate all of you! You guy makes me very happy, which is why I feel this year will be different.

So here's looking at 21, it's staring me in the face. And no matter how scary or intimidating it is, I know I have all of you to cheer me along the way. It's weird to be seen legally as an adult when you're still just a scared little kid in your head. So tomorrow I'm gonna get up, put on some makeup and a cute outfit. I don't care what gender other people see me as, just for one day. And then I'm gonna go pick up my cake with my dad. Hang out with my bestie and watch a cool new horror movie. And see my brother at the end of the day. I still have physical therapy tomorrow, so I'm gonna work my ass off, so I can keep getting better.

Thank you all for being here with me this year. It's made a world of difference and I cannot thank you enough. There aren't enough words in any language to describe how much I love and adore and admire each and every one of you. You're all special, and you all deserve to be here just as much as I do. We'll get through this together, I promise!

[tmntsince2003]

My friend and I got talking and...

[riot-control]

I hated being made feel like it was a contest to just be with you 

[cereshazelnut]

old me meet new me part 1

[takofoodtruck]

About 2 weeks ago or so, my father passed away. Because of this, I began a more than a week long marathon of packing and heading home from Japan and then driving 2000+ miles to Missouri. Oh, I also had covid, which was actually the easy part. (I didn't travel until recovered and not contagious)

Coming back to Missouri has been.. challenging.

This has been a trip of revisiting old trauma, unlocking memories that I had forgotten, learning things about family that I'd probably rather not know, and finding out that at least a couple of family members are much more supportive than I thought.

In a way, it's good that this happened before I'm further in my transition. I can easily guy-mode as I only have small buds and a slight change in curve/muscle.

I learned that one of my brothers is much less supportive of me being trans than I thought. He used some very mean spirited slurs towards me that do not bear repeating. I worry that the bridge has burned, despite me reaching out. I worry for his relationship with his fiancée, as I don't think she agrees with his position.

Returning for the funeral and seeing some aunts and uncles, but not many of my father's old friends really hit home how he was likely faltering in his ability to control the narrative around himself except with those that were long distance.

I had to hold up his lies one last time, despite telling myself in therapy that I would never do that again. It was hard to determine what version of my father people knew. The churchy preacher? The hardline red hat type? Only his younger sister knew the real him, maybe hia brother that didnt come, but sent flowers..

Though, I couldn't keep it up forever, so a few more now know the abusive, lying, mean person he usually was. That everything was transactional. Love, care, everything was a voucher that he would later cash in or use for further gaslighting or abuse.

I also learned that one of the last bad situations he'd been in was likely not a lie, his side of the story was likely the truth, and no one believed him. If I feel bad about anything for my father, it's this specific thing.

On the other hand, I have been playing "find the hidden loaded guns that his grandkids could have found" for a week now. I'm up to 3. I think that's all of them.

He also had 2 cats that were not planned for. His dogs were at other homes to be taken care of when he passed, but no one was caring for the cats.. I made sure they were calmed and fed/watered and eventually got them to the humane society to keep them healthy.

Cleaning up this dirty, awful house after growing up being abused mentally and physically for something as simple as leaving out a couple water cups in the sink as a child has been a major flip for my brain.

There's nearly nothing worth passing on or keeping here. All the furniture was ruined by his dogs, he only ever got cheap junk or whatever the red-hat crowd media told him was "good". There's "survival" gear, but half of it doesn't work or is such bad quality it's just landfill waste at this point.

It's really odd finding some of my own things from middle school and high school still here. Despite this being my first time at this house. Erasers, sketch books with my pages cut out and filled with his or his late wife's notes. Nothing worth keeping, but lots of junk. Boxes and boxes of junk.

The house itself is massively settling. I have no clue how he got a mortgage for this place. We're talking with a lawyer that he was working with to handle that. We'll probably have to sell it at a loss or, hopefully, turn it over to the bank.

We hadn't talked in a few years except for him doubling down on being a prepper/irresponsible with firearms/threatening minorities if they "came for him".

I've had several one-sided conversations with him in this house since he passed. Mostly about all the hidden loaded guns he had around the house and how he had no clue how to take care of a gravity drain septic system.

A few times I have wondered "why did I even come back for this" but I'm glad I'm here to help my brother. Our other brother went home. I don't blame him, I just wish him well and hope he betters himself.

I look forward to going home and putting all of this behind me. Closing this chapter of abuse and putting it away so I can finally heal from it and move on.

[neymiiie]

I just want to see him again.

[peakvincent]

new game is to type one through ten in your tags and see what comes up. i think my favorite of mine is ‘my uncle told us he spent seven and a half hours in a sensory deprivation tank once’ but ‘gideon the ninth motherfucker’ is a close second

[warpedlegacy]

Chapter 8 of While Time Remains is up, and it marks the first part of three of a mini-arc. I’m so excited for this one!

The rhythmic swing of the axe shakes Cullen’s bones with each impact. Each swing carries a solid      thunk    , but barely cuts into the tree trunk that has been the bane of his efforts all morning.

At last, the screaming sting in his muscles forces him to rest, gulping in air and leaning his back against the Maker-cursed testament to nature’s obstinacy. His shirt is soaked through with sweat, despite the crisp chill, and more drips down his temples and between his shoulders. The calluses in his hands are beginning to crack from the unfamiliar grip.

But it’s good to have simplicity back in his life again. He cannot remember the last time he felt this at ease with himself. No endless stacks of pages to read through, no constant demands for his time and attention, no circular arguments over maps and the placement of tiny markers that denote world-changing decisions.

All he has to do today is cut down one blasted tree, and he can’t even bring himself to be annoyed at his lack of progress.  

[luciewitch13]

Sidney Sweeney in immaculate

[meagancandraw]

You ever think about how neither of them got to say goodbye?

[zemi-noelle-art]

Webcore Angel 💿

[old-desert]

Ah yes, hooman Loop

^ early concept

[mfdragon]

The Advice

Jasmine enters the fray! And she’s spotted herself the perfect psychological test subject >:3

Good luck Jazz! He’s gonna be a lot to handle ✨

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[disastergoose]

my mental health hinges on this unfortunately

[ifyoucandaniel]

watching robin son of batman and-