#on john doe and his thoughts

[greensbeanspotatoestomatoes]

On John Doe and Stress

It’s something small that Arthur does. A habit that most people wouldn’t notice. Something inconspicuous but powerful.

Arthur plays piano when he’s nervous. 

Obviously not the actual instrument, that would be unmanageable given the situations they find themselves in. But Arthur goes through the motions of pressing the keys onto his thigh or arm when he feels uneasy. 

It’s small, and calming, and something John can distinctly feel in the vagueness between where he stops and Arthur begins. 

Slender fingers gently tap against their upper arm during the wait for a taxi. The pattern doesn’t follow any rhythm John can discern. In fact he only recognises it is a pattern after the third repeat. It’s something that belongs solely in Arthur’s mind, a small hold out from a time when his life was mostly normal. 

…John wonders if it is her song that brings him comfort. He remembers the tinkling tune that came from the music box, despite all that preceded and came after it. 

He knows Arthur believes it was her lullabye that brought him back. John doesn’t know if he wants to correct that thought. It’s nice, to hold onto the idea that he owes her more than just keeping her father alive. That he can string another hook in the weave that is John Doe and attach it to another reason to be. Latch on to a part of the same thing that drive’s Arthur so much.

If he thinks back to all the times Arthur has played the piano in his presence, its always had the same effect. Even the first time, when it was nothing but a ploy by John to get him to calm down. It worked. It settled Arthur’s mind and nerves. It always has.

So when John feels the tapping at the back of his hand in the back of the taxi, it's nothing particularly new. 

Except the closeness.

Mostly, when he can feel Arthur's tapping, it's just the impressions near their elbow. Where John can't quite control anything, but still has some sensation. 

It's never been this… blatant before. 

Arthur drums out the first couple of imaginary notes with his right hand, the part he’d been playing previously. But when his piece gets to the lower notes, his left hand does not complete the melody.

“Ah! John I’m sorry! I didn’t mean—”  

Arthur tries to pull his hand back away, perhaps feeling embarrassment of some kind. John, however, feels an unexpected pang shoot through him. He suddenly, maybe desperately, does not want this contact to break. There's something special to this moment. It’s a chance for John to be of help to Arthur. There’s something to the song too, a need for Arthur to finish playing it.  Before Arthur can move his hand too far, John snags it back. 

“It’s alright Arthur,” he says, totally calm and cool,  “I… I don’t mind.”

Arthur slowly starts tapping the piece again, the motions slightly more deliberate.

The sensation is a bit odd. The soft points of pressure are unlike anything John has experienced before. It’s not unwelcome.

Eventually he can feel Arthur begin to relax, the movements of his hands less tight, less purposeful. 

Tentatively, when the piece seems finished, John reaches out to thread their fingers.

There’s a small twitch at the corner of his vision, a minor tightening of cheek muscles. It’s nice to know when Arthur is smiling. It’s nicer still, to be the cause of that smile.

John notes the point Arthur’s thoughts have drifted back to their task ahead, as Arthur absent mindedly brushes his fingers along the back of John’s hand. 

He can see why Arthur does this when he’s stressed. The effect is soothing.

John understands stress, maybe the most of all the emotions Arthur has shown him, because Arthur is always fucking stressing him out.

A horrible pressing, crushing weight settles in his core. The terror floods into him like an ice-cold fire, burning all his thoughts to ash. It squeezes at his sense of self, choking all his thoughts into a closed off bottle neck, only allowing the horror of the situation through. Where he can do nothing but sit helpless, just a fucking pair of eyes and a hand as Arthur struggles, fighting, drowning, bleeding.

Dying. 

Christ he hopes he never feels that again.

He failed Arthur. Failed her too.

They feel stress about different things, in different ways. So if this is something that John can do to help Arthur, he will. And maybe one day, he’ll be able to return the favour.

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More Thoughts

[phthalosblues]

Tits out in hell

[cabinette]

i was listening to malevolent and all my tabs glitched out so I had to sit through episode 32 with chappell roan singing ITS JUST ANOTHERRR DAYYYY AND ITS NOT OVERRR TIL ITS OVERRRR in the background. its their song now. in my heart.

[potato-lord-but-not]

always and forever have them on the brainnnn

also this ship really is the definition of ‘we lost the plot’ what even is malevolent anymore

[unnamedcorvid]

Was reminded of when I first started Malevolent and couldn’t get the guys out of my head so I looked up pictures of wet cats to find the most John and Arthur ones and came up with this

they both look so stupid. i love them

[1nterspace-2]

More Malevolent Tweets cause they bring me joy

Arthur Lester:

John Doe:

Detective Noel/Charlie Dowd:

Kayne:

[queenelizabeth1st]

I'm trying to figure out how to write John's POV more accurately. These are my notes on him.

He was a soldier for fifteen years. It's probably where he rested his entire identity, losing that position, and the respect of his peers must have done irrevocable damage to his self-image.

He pretty much lost his entire support system in one fell swoop. After Lemar died (who was his other half), everything else came tumbling down with him.

He doesn't do it for praise. I've seen a lot of people HC that he's vain and all that, but it's the opposite--he doesn't scroll for the praise, he scrolls for the mean comments. He took the shield to help people, not for the accolades.

He's a southern boy through and through- when he wants to, he can pull out that old southern charm and suddenly he's the nicest guy ever. he doesn't do it often tho, the army kinda beat most of it out of him.

He is insanely smart--this guy was like the most decorated active member of the army.

He's seen some shit, so I don't think there is any way he DOESN'T have some sort of ptsd.

I feel like he watches football for comfort. like he won't even be actively watching, but just put it on in the background and it's like calming.

He used to be a leader--THE guy everyone went to when they needed help. now, he's not, and it's very disconcerting to him. but also a lot of the pressure is off his shoulders.

idk that's all I can come up with for now.

[thebatsandthebugs]

idk there's just something in the idea of the difference between dick and bruce's loss. dick's is...transient? I'm not sure if that's the correct word but it's like. the blood on the sawdust of the temporary circus floor, seeping into the ever-changing field, washed away and not a trace is left. Being stranded, away from all you've ever known. Bruce's is more like, grounded. There is a spot in crime alley where the blood was scrubbed till there is a visible spot that is noticeably smoother than all the other bricks. Dick's loss is constantly moving, while Bruce is stuck. Bruce will never move on, in his parents home, all their mementos kept, that brick always there. Dick will move again and again. His home is community, and newly orphaned, without that, he's a ship unmoored. he has nothing of theirs to tie him down like bruce does- after all, the circus will keep moving, and the next stops temporary floor will not be stained with blood. But how could he ever leave when his parents bones anchor him to Gotham?

[gothicrepetitions]

I’ve often seen with children who live in households where they feel helpless and without any autonomy in their households, they tend to verbally lash out for a sense of control, especially in situations where the adult exerts their authority or power over them (such as demanding they do something or making decisions for them without regard to their own wants). Very true for Sam Winchester (from what we know in pre-series and what we see in at certain points of S1) but imo this often gets misunderstood and misconstrued both by fandom and by other characters

[rhonissancee]

𝐁𝐈𝐆𝐌𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐇 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐊𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍 [by the Smiths]

TW: it's not too intense (my art style won't allow it) but just in case!! Blood and injury.

Notes !

Bigmouth strikes again >> ugh I love this song with all of me, y'all should definitely give it a listen!! Ik I said I wouldn't give away major things (so I'll give easter eggs instead !! It's noticeable if you observe the drawing anyways heuehue. If you want to find it yourself then don't read the bullet points >:), if you noticed it at first glance HEAL YEAH)

Firstly the relevance of the lyrics. Idk it just matched them really HAHSHHAH. But if you noticed 'smash every tooth in your head' and compare the Bear trap in the beginning to the end, you'll notice that it's 'teeth' isn't as sharp and the cracks on it (also if it wasn't obvious the snare represents Hickory! The cracks can also be shown on his glasses at the last panel)

Secondly, why apples? I thought it was fitting because deers like them ! (also because— remember how sometimes cooked animals are served with an apple in their mouths? Yes. Erm) + Also because of the quote 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away' (just unfortunately for Atticus it doesn't work TT)

Thirdly, you'll notice that as the panels progress, Atticus loses their 'eye sparkle' thing and Hickory gains his own. I won't elaborate on it teehee.

I CANT POINT OUT THE REST BECAUSE THAT'LL GIVE ME AWAY HAHAHAH BUT THERE ARE MORE, Y'ALL ARE WELCOMED TO FIND THEM and send me an ask regarding them *I'll be waiting*+ you can try to piece the semblance of lore crumbs HDJSHDJS. I swear it'll all be (sort of) clarified when the masterlist drops (which might be never atp because I have no motivation whatsoever)

[greensbeanspotatoestomatoes]

On John Doe and Mirrors

He watches Arthur move, when he can.

When Arthur wants a shave, John guides him in halves, only needing to adjust Arthur slightly, the rest a sort of muscle memory for him.

That means John can spare his eyes to Arthur in the reflection, without being obvious.

The way he moves, is fascinating.

The quick and sure motions of his right hand. Nimble, thin pianist’s fingers pulling at the threads of the universe and enacting his will on the world, bringing the razor blade close to the skin, but deft enough not to cut it.

He watches Arthur’s left hand. His hand.

The fingers are the same. Delicate and sharp, but lacking all the finesse and confidence’s Arthur’s have. They lay stiff and useless on the rim of the sink. The dark wood finger contrasts brightly against the white porcelain. He lifts his eyes to Arthur’s face again, leaving his hand below. He doesn’t trust himself not to hurt Arthur again in some way.

Arthur brings the razor to his cheek again. His right this time.

He starts below his eye socket and gently traces the blade down, revealing more and more of the scar that spans across his cheek. The beard does little to truly hide it, but now, without it, the pale pink tissue is stark against Arthur’s even paler skin.

He continues lower, carefully manoeuvring the blade below his jaw towards his neck.

John’s fingers tighten on the sink as he thinks about the first time Arthur brought a knife to his throat in his company. John couldn’t see it then, only the red spray that followed. Now, John can see the blade delicately brush over the scar.

No stakes, no fear, just another shave.

He watches Arthur’s brows furrow in concentration as he guides the blade down from his cheek bone again.

Every time they face a mirror, John wonders how they’ve ever gotten away with the lies they tell. Because Arthur has got to be a shit liar, his face is just so expressive. Every move he makes or thought he expresses during this little ritual is mirrored in the twitches of his eyebrows or the quirks of his mouth. It’s like watching… well like watching a pianist play. You see the keys pressed, and hear the sound made. Cause and effect. Arthur and his fucking expressive face.

“… and then Parker grabbed him by his collar, yanking him back,” Arthur says talking around the last movements of the razor, “and— John are you listening?”

John zones back in, as Arthur finishes shaving and begins washing the foam away. His face is bare, save for the moustache they’re trying to grow. John… likes Arthur’s face. The sharp angles, and dark hair. The quirk of one of his brows as he faces the mirror, as if questioning John.

“Yes Arthur,” John says, exasperated, “Parker and his misadventures with the barkeep. You were saying…”

A corner of Arthur’s mouth tilts up as he continues his story. But John is staring at his reflection again, at his hands and face, and at the centre of it all, the two eyes staring back, vaguely tinged yellow.

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More Thoughts

[phthalosblues]

Oh? Did anyone ask for a malevolent traditional art dump? No? Oh. Well anyways,,

[s0fter-sin]

god the way ghost’s voice drops when he tells soap, “you’ll need to improvise to survive”

before that, everything he says is steady but when he acknowledges that soap’ll have to do something outside his skill set, something he intimately knows to be difficult, his voice wavers. he does the same when he says, “welcome to guerrilla warfare”; it’s sombre and serious in a way he doesn’t act for the rest of the mission. if you read into it enough, he almost sounds apologetic; like he knows exactly what soap’s about to go through and wishes he didn’t have to

he keeps soap going; poking at him and making jokes, giving him tips and asking about his progress. he never lets him stop and take a second to think bc he knows the moment he does is the moment it'll all hit him; the betrayal, the pain, the fear, the deaths, all of it will drown him and if that happens, soap won't make it

he needs him to be a soldier through and through and he knows this is one of the worst kinds of battlefields you could end up on

and the only times he slips is when he acknowledges that fact

it happens again when he says, "tryin' to get you here alive and in one piece". his jovial dark humour facade drops for just a moment when he has to face the potential reality of losing soap. then he tries to pick it back up again with, "one of us has to survive to tell the tale"; completely discounting himself as a survivor to try and rally soap and make him think it’s all down to him

and soap does the same thing

when he's calling out for ghost on the radio, he's tentative, testing the frequency, then when he doesn’t get a response, he grows desperate; "ghost, this is 7-1, do you copy?"

then when ghost answers, he smooths out his voice; he hides the pain, the fear, and no matter what response you give to ghost asking if he’s injured, soap brushes it off (“i’m good”, “what’s the difference?”, “i’m not a medic”). soap decides it’s in ghost’s best interest to hide the extent of his injuries

he doesn’t know where ghost is, if he’s secure, if he has any weapons; he doesn’t even know if he’s in las almas until he says, “there’s a church, i’m headed to it”. for all he knows, he could’ve run in the complete opposite direction. if ghost knows he’s hurt, then his attention would be split between his own survival and soap’s

and soap, who lets himself be poked and prodded towards the church, needs to hide his own doubts. maybe he needs ghost to believe he'll make it so he himself can believe it ("what are my odds?" "don't make me bet against you", "think i'll live that long?" "probably not")

he all but begs ghost to tell him he'll get through it and if he knows just how bad off he is, maybe he'll change his mind. maybe he'll think he won't make it to the church

maybe he'll leave him alone for good

"you injured?"

"i’m good"

"let's find out how good you are"

[critter-wizard]

ep 43 had me tearing up in a fucking shopping centre ‼️‼️

b+w alt version that I truly couldn't decide if I liked it more . Also I included a lot of thoughts in the tags but they're somewhat incoherent<3

[batwynn]

Yes, it's a sad scene. But what do you think Stiles got a #1 Award for?

[qkmlh]

Do you think the only two things Dean would consider his, wholeheartedly with his entire being, would be Sam and Baby??